#but i dont like how it turned out. uuuugh

[meldailyarts]

04/29/2024, if i knew today was dect's anniverserary i wouldve drawn mv2 instead unfortunately i dont have the energy to do that so take a quick v2 doodle instead

[bloopitynoot]

Reading SVSSS: Chapter 3

For those who don't know, I am reading SVSSS for the first time and sharing my thoughts!

If you have not read it, there will be spoilers! Consider this a warning.

Also- if you want to follow along, I am aiming to post updates daily. You can find all the posts in the tag bloopitynoot reads SVSSS. You can also check out the intro post for context on my read.

oh, that's good, he's (Shen Qingqiu/Shen Yuan) not dead p135

also not related to my read, but this time I am actually writing at my table (instead of cocooned in a blanket on my couch) so hopefully these note are easier to read (Read: I am trying to have neater handwriting for ✨aesthetic✨). All I need with my notes, book, and tea is a candle and i'd be living my ancient academic fantasy.

If anyone wants to know this chapter is accompanied by a white tea that tastes like loquats. It's my favourite nostalgic tea. My family used to travel south when I was small and my grandparent's house there had a loquat tree. I haven't had loquats in over a decade (canada lol) but this tea tastes jut like them.

Anyways! Back to SVSSS!

Give me patience: the amount of dislike I have anytime Ming Fan is present p135

oh dang, this boy can cook! p138

Re: this boy can cook- Bye LOL "Luo Binghe's excellent cooking skills were his foremost lady-killing technique." p138

boo, I am upset that the Abyss scenario still needs to happen (But I get it, of course it can't be that easy- we do need plot for this book) p139

I can't XD he really is falling into the plot/character of Protagonists Love Interest. First the congee cooking and no the "Poison cure" p142

WAIT. THE CURE FOR THE POSION. wut p143

RE: WAIT: I am crying LOL

But like could he 👀 "Like, he knew that the going at it with the protagonist could have cured the poison, but like he could do that! Could he? Ha ha ha ha..." p145

Not Liu Qingge over here thinking Shen Qingqiu is possessed (not really wrong though) p147

once again we have Ming Fan -> honestly I would not be surprised if he ended up the new villain/scum character role p148 there is nothing likeable about him

this line is killing me "Shen Qingqiu was astoundingly oblivious to the fact that, thanks to the divine wingman abilities of his useless teammate, Ming Fan, Luo BInghe's favor has again risen to a new high" p.150

Oh god, he's in Luo Binghe's dream world. I am so nervous for this. p. 152

Dang. Why so many deductions for failure -1000 is a LOT for him p154

okay but this dream subplot is feeding my theory that Shen Qingqiu is switching character roles from villain to Love Interest p155

Oh no :( not his childhood bullies p160

omg and now his mom's death p161

Shen Qingqiu has been taking a constant beating for 164 pages- how is he not dead p164

LOL Shen Qingqiu really said "i'm not paid enough for this emotional labour" p167

Also Shen Qingqiu "I finished my friendship performance; I can finally leave work now" p169 what a vibe

Even the Dream Demon Lord is over how much Luo Binghe talks about Shen Qingqiu (p172)

uuuugh the foreshadowing RE: if you don't learn the demon path and the seal breaks you are basically fucked p.173

You tell that demon, Luo Binghe! RE: "right now, you are discussing terms with me, and you are free to say anything...but if you harm Shizun, any agreement is void!" p177

LOL "Aura of Badassery" p177

Shen Qingqiu after a very bad no good series of days "pls I dont want to see you omg leave me alone I am v tired" p179 this guy can't catch a break

The dichotomy of Shen Yuan acting in this though. Outward: I definitely can handle this. Inward: I'm so fucking scared, I do not got this. Is so real p180

Shen Qingqiu "I want this kid to remain optimistic and feel positive with his heritage (so he does not turn evil and mass murder me and everyone else)"Luo Binghe "I am going to be the strongest of strong possible so that I can protect Shen Qingqiu" p182

Oh gods, not him asking him to move in with him (to basically have a servant but like Luo Binghe has just had his entire life changed) p185

okay so age check- suddenly he's 15??? I thought this kid was 14 like 3 days ago?? p186

Points to Shen Yuan though for noting that how Luo Binghe was being treated was child abuse. p188

YAY! He's going to train with Meng Mo (also it made me laugh at how pissed Meng Mo is about not having the teacher title) p190

That's all for this chapter!

next one aiming for tomorrow :D

[hanarchy]

top 5 skz songs to sing along to? and top 5 of your favorite dishes? and top 5 songs you’d like han jisungie to cover in full? sorry for sending fifty billion things i just love your insights and would love to hear your thoughts and opinions 💖

aah ana ilysm ok cracking my knuckles, lets go

top 5 skittles song to sing along to:

1. Topline (always and forever, i screamed so loud i nearly passed out)

2. Cheese (click clack, bang)

ur gonna laugh at me for the rest of these but

3. wolfgang (graaow we go wild)

4. gone away (ssshhh dont tell anyone that i like a skz ballad)

5. miroh (its a must, stray kids woo)

favorite dishes

1. bolognese pasta (am i 5? maybe)

2. bibimbap (i love how everyone makes it a little different, i love the variety of flavors, i love how indulgent it is without being super greasy)

3. frankfurter grüne soße (‘green sauce’ its technically a super simple dish, its usually just served with eggs and potatos. but its very specific.

theres herbs in it that are barely used nowadays, very old german cuisine vibes. and if you get the ratio exactly right and the herbs are in season it has such a delicate and specific flavor. a little sweet, a little mustardy, very refreshing. it’s hard to describe. also is excellent with white asparagus and young potatoes (in season at the same time) or surprisingly a really ripe avocado. anyway its hard to find most of the year in most of germany but since i am from frankfurt its a matter of pride)

4. sashimi or maybe a really good ceviche (i love raw fish but ceviche has become such a trend thing that its usually just not great here)

5. can i just say salad? like maybe its bc its getting hot but a really nice salad maybe with some haloumi or avocado or some grilled fish and some really nice bread is sooooo good.

ok top songs i want hanji to cover. now this is why i put this ask off for so long top 5 is SUCH a high bar to clear. ok that being said though i have some directions i would looooove him to explore.

(for convenience, a shortlist without my rambling:

1. kacey musgraves - golden hour/slow burn/ butterflies

2. the internet - get away | just sayin/i tried

3. paramore - misery business

4. arctic monkeys - leave before the lights come on/do me a favour

5. the strokes - is this it)

1. intimate acoustic guitar country songs like kacey musgraves did on golden hour (god i was obsessed with that album) this whole album has such a sunny warmth to it, and such a specific cleverness in the songwriting i think jisungs voice would just be so pretty on it. my top choices would be butterflies or golden hour or slow burn i think

2. jazzy, slow a little funky rnb like the internet used to make (rip to that band i will miss u forever) plus their breakup songs have a pettiness that just gels with jisungs vibes so well. i wouldnt really want a straight cover but like if he put some additional vocals and a little laid back rap verse on get away or just sayin/i tried uuuugh a perfect fuckin idea.

3. obvious one but paramore misery business but i would accept any of their like. earlier actually kinda emo stuff.

4. self indulgent but my favorite arctic monkeys song is leave before the lights come on i would LOVE to see what he does with that OR possibly do me a favour. again, petty but like… suuuuch great storytelling that i think would fit him

5. the strokes is this it idk i just think its a lazy existential dread/petty relationship sort of vibe that would fit him if he was allowed to make music like that lmao kind of similar vibe to those arctic monkeys songs but this is just the music i grew up on so i am biased

(if i could be self indulgent with songs that DONT fit him i would love to see him do patti smith because the night OR like. a fuckin hole song like doll parts OR theres this korean dj/producer(?) called cifika who did a remix for seulgis solo and i would loooooove to see him work with someone like that, her stuff has turned very futuristic and moody/dark lately OR because i cant /not/ mention him make the boy do tougher than the rest by bruce springsteen, it would be the cringiest fuckin thing in history and yet…. if he put his own production on it…. could be a vibe)

[countingcorvids]

uuuugh i dont like how this turned out but oh well

[fucktheroyals]

idk how to explain everyone having a different "opinion" about Anakin and why he went to the dark side and why darth vader does what he does is so fvcking depressing.

[urlocalbunny]

i want to say Happy Birthday i know i'm late for that sorry but i oversleep (´。＿。｀) .... and i want to ask you : ' How the Guys would reakt if Eloise trys to bite them too. Or trys to bite her Vampire too and claim it a showing Dominats ? ' very stupid question okey pls dont judge me (╯▽╰ ) . It's just ... i cant get it out of my head ...

Aaron:

He's going to LOVE it.

He's going to give her an approval noise and give her more access to his neck as she practically surrenders at her touch.

His eyes close and he sucks air between his teeth, gritting them pleasurably as she licks at the red marks she left. His breathing turns a little more erratic too when he tries to payback, this time, to draw her sweet, warm blood out and taste it.

Raphael:

He's also going to whine, but this time with no prospects of giving her any payback.

He's going to unconsciously wiggle his hips faintly, giving her more access and gasping when she holds his hips in place with a groan.

His eyes flutter shut, relishing in the sting that comes from the bites (that now replicate as he accepts them)

Beliath:

He's going to chuckle at first, but then the sting shuts him up.

He whines and tries to shoo her away, but when she backs off, he pouts.

Her biting resumes and he tries to keep his mouth shut, but he really likes how rough she's being and he lets her keep going.

Vladimir:

Bites her back just like Aaron and Ivan bit each other. He likes the sting but she won't get her way easily like that.

He's actually amused by her behavior but he definitely gets flustered when she says his blood tastes nice.

Kisses her after and then gets all mushy inside bc uuuugh she's driving him wild.

Ethan:

Dares her to try and bite him. If she succeeds, he'll let her bite him without struggling.

He gets bit. Lol. But he loves the feeling of her straddling him and sucking his blood away a little. She looks so mean.

Cuddling afterwards is a must bc he just likes how feisty and determined she is and he had fun.

Ivan:

Bites his wrist and stretches his arm out for her cutely, his big eyes shining with this innocent glimmer.

When Eloise starts drinking, he whimpers and she's going to have to pull him close by the waist. He gets a little dizzy.

His face gets red because not even Aaron is as dominant and he's here for it. Ends up kinda high on her and asks for it from time to time.

[sailorhyunjinz]

✒[!!Okay so this hard thought is Absurd yet I find it super hot since its different...] King!Dom ahaha get it?? Alright, now there's this other scenario in my head during the Sports event they did on ep. 6, during the vault event. So ;)) yknow how the boys have to jump higher and higher, making sure they dont hit the tower thing and land nicely on the cushion?? Putting an 18+ twist on it, the girls have to take part of the vault thingy in order to determine whether its a pass or not. How?? Lets say you were laying on the cushion however you want, may it be on your back or chest as long as you present your princess parts facing the tower where SKZ would jump over. Now instead of just landing on the cushion, they have to have to stick their diks inside you when they land. It'll be happening so hard and so fast, sometimes due to their momentums you both might've been pushed forward a bit making you squeak in surprise, and due to this theyre reaching the deepest places within you— borderline painful but they dont actually hurt you at all,, or there's more pleasure than pain. But dont worry cause you've been prepped with a crazy amount of lube and someone from your team might've been fingering you in your team's venue before your team's turn... If ever it did stung just a bit, they would leave soft kisses and thrust in you to gently soothe the pain. Now whenever its a success, whoever is on top you always gives you praises like, "You did so well, babygirl. You took me so well~💕" and place kisses all over your body. They should have been preparing for the next player to do their turn, however, sum of the boys might've been too immersed in you and couldnt help but to stay inside you for a few moments... The referee might've interrupted ya'll since the boys want to lowkey devour you, make you sore all over and the teams still need their female members for the next events... I have a Feeling that Minho was bitter about that and might've surprised you with a harsh thrust before actually leaving for the next player—

Alright, now when all of this is happening, dont forget that other teams were highkey cheering from the sidelines...

— 🍑 ooooff,, basically putting a spicy twist to any normal scenario... My minds going like, "mkay, a Sports event... Now how do i turn this into a smut??"

MY FUCKING GOD THIS MADE ME SCREAM

this would be physically impossible ahshahsa you would have to have a coochie the size of a fucking vault for this to work ahshaha but ok let’s just play with the thought. 

yes, very hot indeed. many times you tumbled over with the member on top of you, dick dangerously close to your private parts and keep in mind,,,, this is being broadcasted with all the other teams behind the camera along with staff member which,,, all the boys only find more hot. Minho succeeded and he was so damn proud over himself, watching the other boys boo at him because they didnt succeed and so without him even knowing he pistoned his hips against yours causing you to jerk forward from the momentum and falling with your head down, ass up. I took every ounce of patient and self control for minho to not jump down there and fuck you into oblivion, you looked too hot with your tiny slutty little skirt that rode up and was merely an accessory for the broadcast but uuuugh you had all 8 pairs of eyes on your princess parts which made you blush for some odd reason. 

The referee blowed a whistle meaning that it was time for another member to try but jumped down and slapped your ass before helping you up on the cushion thingy again, smirking out of pride the entire day. Let’s just say that there were countless gifs of you after that episode, you were afterall the fans favorite girl~ 

[iamknicole]

Privacy

Bloodline Family Series AU

A/N: Haleigh's a teenager🙂

Wherever the family went, Haleigh posted pictures or sent pictures to her best friend if he wasn't with them. Honestly, Roman hadn't seen any of the pictures ahe posted unless she showed them to him.

Enjoying his off days in his man cave was his usual. Peace, quiet and relaxation until his phone rang.

"No, I dont wanna go, Jey." He answered.

Jey sucked his teeth, "I wasn't calling for that."

"Okay, no Milo and demon spawn cannot come over here. You and satan don't need anymore kids."

"Aye. He ain't a demon spawn," Jey chuckled.

"Uhuh but you didn't say she wasn't satan," he laughed, "Now what do you want? I wanna relax."

Jey snorted.

"You won't be able to relax after you find out what I found out."

Roman sighed hard and ran a hand over his face. "What did the three musketeers do now? Know what, doesn't matter I'll figure out what it is after I get my hands on him."

"No! No! No! It ain't them," Jey interrupted.

"Then its Kandice. She better not have another damn animal."

"Wrong again, cuz."

"Princess?" He asked in disbelief. "What did she do?"

"I sent you the screenshots."

Jey hung up quickly, he didn't want to be on the phone when Roman saw them. Roman went to his new messages, when he opened them and low groan came out. Not wasting any time, Roman went to his daughter's room walking in without knocking. Haleigh jumped then laughed when she saw her dad.

"What's up, Daddy? I'm on the phone."

"Get off the phone, Hae."

Rolling her eyes, she told Morgan she would call her back then gave her father her undivided attention.

"Yes, Daddy?"

"What are these? And why are they on your Instagram?"

Frowning, Haleigh snatched his phone and looked at it. "How did you even see these? My page is private."

"They don't need to be on your page anyway, Haleigh," he stressed taking the phone back, "You're sixteen! And where did you even get these outfits? Cause I damn sure know ya mama didn't buy em."

"Auntie Apryl was doing a photoshoot for her store and she let me take pictures. They're cute!"

"They are not cute! They're revealing and they're coming down now! Gimmie your phone!"

"What," Haleigh whined, "I'll take them down myself!"

Roman held his hand out and she slapped the phone roughly into his hand with a huff. She folded her armed across her chest during back on her bed.

"How did you even see it anyway?"

"Your Uncle Jey told me as he should have."

"Ugh! Yall are invading my privacy! Mommy and Auntie Apryl post pictures too!"

Roman chuckled deleting pictures from his daughter's social media. "They are grown and they do not post pictures like this. Do you know what kind of predators are out there? They'll come take you and I can't get you back."

Again, she rolled her eyes and turned away from her father.

"But Koda can post pictures of himself shirtless? This is dumb! Yall are just invading my privacy cause you can! And tell Uncle Jey AND Uncle Jimmy I'm blocking them!"

Roman shook his head, "You're 16 privacy is not extended to this type of content, Haleigh. And in order for you to block them, you need a phone or a computer two things you dont have anymore."

Haleigh's mouth dropped open.

"That's not fair! You're taking my phone?"

"I sure am. No phone or computer for two weeks."

Haleigh groaned loudly and pouted, "I hate it here! I get no privacy and you take my things! How am I supposed to do my homework?"

"You can use my computer, Princess," Roman answered with a smug smile.

Haleigh stared at her father for a second then got off her bed and stormed into her bathroom slamming the door.

"Slam it again and I'll take the doors too," he yelled behind her.

"Uuuugh!"

Shaking his head, Roman left her bedroom and went to his. Kandice was sitting on their bed with the phone to her ear laughing. He sat his daughter's phone on the dresser.

"Who you talkin to?"

Kandice laughed then looked up at him, "Apryl. Sounds like you and your princess fell out."

"Yeah cause satan let her play dress up in some inappropriate shit. Tell her stop letting her dress and take grown pictures."

Kandice held the phone out to Roman, he took it and put it to his ear rolling his eyes.

"You heard what I said, satan. Stop dressing her!"

"I'll tone it down but I'm not gonna stop dressing my niece! And call me satan again!"

"Satan! Satan! Satan!"

[fabelyn]

Stranger things writes friendships and families really well... but damn they kinda dropped the ball on romance, more so in season two

First is the fact that the writing kept hitting us in the head about how Bob was totally not compatible with Joyce and...he completly was? Just because Joyce has been through a lot of dramatic experiences doesn’t mean she likes the action. She wants peace and normaility and happinness for her children. Bob gave her all of that. He respected her space and tried helpiung with the kids and was there for her and they had fun together. The show told me they werent compatible but then showed me a completly. But of course he had to die so Joyce can in the future has something with Hooper. Look, adults can be friends without hooking up damn it.

And then there was the teen romance. Uuuugh. Again the show keeps hammering over and over that Jon and Nancy are meant to be. Except the show spent more time forcing this viewpoint on us by way of people telling it, then actually showing us why they are so good. Nancy has ideas, Jonathan follows them. They help each other out. That could be friendship. please show me having fun or something in a way that seems happier than with Steve. And dont ruin Nancy’s character for the sake of love triangle drama. If she liked Jonathan she shouldnt have agreed to date Steve. And then she shouldnt have cheated

I have nothing to say on the romance plot with the kids; be it because it was legit fine or simply because when compared to the other two it turned out better

[tumblunni]

uuuugh i was so pissed about the lame pokemon announcement that i stayed up an extra 2 hours  anyway getting pissed at rpgmaker glitches but at least now i feel semi accomplished that I finally figured out the stupid glitch I’d been struggling on forever! its really hard to figure out how the system’s logic works, especially when sometimes stuff changes processing order between versions/updates/different situations/god knows what...

ANYWAY! I persisted and now I’ve finally fixed the bullshit that stopped me in my tracks when i was trying to make a character creator! Yep, its the cause of ‘the clown glitch’ XD Apparantly the problem is just that if you have two event pages on something, you need two event pages on everything that affects it. Like... what was happening is (for example) I have an event that says: ‘Page 1: show this character’ ‘Page 2: show this character if character value equals 2′, etc Now you’d think it would be obvious that that means if character value is changed back to 1 afterwards, it’d go back to page 1? But it just WASNT DOING THAT! It could add values perfectly fine, but for some reason would not turn them backwards. So slowly everything on the page would change to the highest possible value, which just happened to be a creepy clown by a stroke of weird luck And I spent FOREVER editing this event, and just totally gave up cos nothing was ever changing! And it was apparantly impossible to make the same logic work on one event page?? Even though it felt like I was just writing out the same process that the page change does?? ‘if [value] = 1, show image 1, else if [value] = 2, show image 2...’ All of that stuff together in a space saving paragraph = nope, just not happening. even though literally ALL THAT AN EVENT PAGE DOES is say ‘if [value] =1, go to this page AND THEN show image 1′ And then i was spending forever editing this, and apprantly the source of the problem wasnt even here, all along it was in the ‘change [value]’ event??? Cos it was suffering the same thing of being unable to loop back normally unless you use separate pages. It would just always go through each option normally once and ONLY ONCE, sticking at the very last option as soon as you hit it. I still can’t even explain this, let alone explain how to fix the damn thing! its like...

* if 1, do 1 * if 2, do 2 * if 3, do 3 all laws of common human logic would say that ‘if 1′ should override all the others! if you’re on 3 and you change to 1, it should give you 1! but its like it constantly classifies everything as equal to or lesser than?? instead of just equal to?? or it just decides the bottom one is the height of the tree?? or it just stops at the last option and refuses to rerun the event?? God, I don’t know if it would work if i just write every list backwards?? And there’s a ‘loop’ option but its like you can only choose between two extremes, lol. Loop doesn’t just tell it to restart from point 1 the next time it loads the event, it’ll make it keep showing 1,2, AND 3 over and over infinately and softlock you into this one flashing screen forever. Is there even ANY practical use for this loop?? Am I just missing something obvious that will make this stuff actually function rationally??

Anyway for SOME REASON it works if i have like this: 2 separate npcs Npc1 has two pages of the same identical appearance + scripts and stuff, just ‘Page 1: add 1 to value’ ‘page 2: ACTIVATE IF VALUE, remove 1 from value’ That way whenever you talk to them it cycles between adding and removing instead of adding AND removing in this weird instantly-reach-the-highest-value-and-never-move-again nonsense And then the second npc needs to be ‘Page 1: play song 1′ ‘page 2: ACTIVATE IF VALUE, play song 2′ And like.. somehow... Npc1 cant even add or subtract anything properly unless npc2 is also a multi page event, and vice versa Even though the event options can clearly do stuff that sounds like it’d be a way easier shortcut to the same result... GAHHHHHH And like.. seriously... ‘event page’ is basically a second npc anyway! you have to select the image and movement route and stuff all over again and make it the same as it previously was. And for some reason ‘change image’ and ‘change movement route’ are all options within a single page, and they just don’t seem to work?? it seems instead theyre meant to only work on making an npc who changes what ANOTHER npc looks like! But thats really not intuitive, you’d think ‘change sprite’ would change the sprite, not that ‘new page’ does it... and especially not that you still have to ‘new page’ even when you DONT change the sprite, and that the sprite options are still annoyingly mandatory even if they stay the same... and just... AGHHH

so basically i DO NOT UNDERSTAND how I fixed it, but I guess i fixed it? and now im just sitting here maniacally clicking back and forth between songs and crying and its fuckin 3am and i still have such a huge migraine and i was gonna get some sleep to get over it but then a stupid pokemon thing got me excited for nothing and then I re-encountered my arch nemesis glitch and AAAARRGH!! but at least i fixed the bgm problem, and now i can hopefully go back tomorrow and finally finish that character creator thing I gave up on all those months ago!

[ellerevelle]

polyamory

or is it just hookup culture

both exist. i dont think what im involved in is deep enough to be considered a polyamorous relationship, because i dont think this guy likes me enough to consider me a person he’s in a relationship with. I’m in that point where I’m afraid to ask him anything for fear of scaring him away. Which isn’t healthy at all, I realize. 

We went to a BDSM dungeon party friday night. I admitted to him that thats extremely intimidating to me. New places in general, new bars, new friends houses, new places freak me out and make me feel anxiety. So this was definitely, obviously, in that vein as well. But we went in, and my confidence felt normal. I wasnt buzzing with comfort, I didnt feel myself glowing (I miss that feeling) but it wasnt scary. If anything it felt neutral. And I felt okay because he and I were together. Hooking up with him wasnt frightening or anything at all, I felt safe because I felt wanted by him. It was liberating. Then again, there wasnt a ton of competition, he even said the next day that he didnt really think anyone else there was attractive. So I wonder if things wouldve been different had there been sexier women there. 

I have no idea how to feel right now. 

He just messaged me via facebook and didnt ask, he simply said “i'm gonna spend the night with my new friend Ali tonight,”

and continued on, “ does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?”

And I hesitated in a major way. To be honest, my stomach dropped. Same way my stomach dropped when I was over there Friday night before we left for our event and found an open condom at the foot of his bed. I mean, I know we’re not exclusive, I’ve known that from the start. And have been down with it from the start. I had sex with someone else, too. And definitely dont hesitate flirting or carrying on with people when he’s not around. Which is why I’m not sure how I feel right now. Its a double standard, right? That I’m imposing? I want to be the apple of his eye, of everyone’s fucking eye... I want to be the only one, but yet I want to have the freedom to do what I want and not be judged or managed or shamed... 

But I like legit hate this feeling now. I hate that he’s with somebody else, that he’s excited to spend time with some new other girl. I’m trying to be confident, to know that humans are humans and we all have different things to offer and she’s not me and I’m not her, and that there are things about me that are very special and that him sleeping with her doesnt negate anything about how rad I am. 

But like, if he thinks I’m rad and likes me, why not just... ask me to hang out tonight? It makes my insecurities skyrocket. Like, am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough, funny enough? Was I not as cool as I thought I was? Am I being TOO clingy now that he and I are getting more comfortable? Am I setting myself up as the hookup BDSM group party friend? Because although I am excited about exploring that without judgement or slut shaming, my HEART NEEEEDS so much more... I’m scared. Multi level scared, like... He asked “does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?” 

I wanted to type YES YES IT DOES MAKE ME FEEL A PARTICULAR WAY AND I DONT LOVE IT. but like... fuck man, like... does that ruin everything? he wont reconsider hanging out with her if I dont like it. I feel like he’d just still hang with her and reconsider ME. 

I want to be special enough for someone to prioritize. I guess maybe him deciding to ask me IS showing me he respects me? But it kinda feels like a trick question sortof? I mean... he wasnt asking me if it was okay for him to sleep with her. that part of the message was a statement of fact. 

The question was, does it make me FEEL something. that feels like a trick question. Does he want me to feel jealous? I kindof wish he did... Like, if he felt jealous of some other guy I’m sleeping with, I’d feel flattered. And consider trying to be more monogomous to consider his feelings, tbh. 

So what if I’d said, yes that makes me feel jealous? 

And then like... what if thats bad and then my jealousy scares him off or bothers him or makes him worry that theres pressure on him now and all the other things women do to men and men do to women in relationships...!?! I know he’s afraid of expectations, he said so in a voicemail and has never brought it back up... which I find quite telling. Its clear he’s scared. Which is kindof what I considered, warp speed, before I typed my reply to him on facebook fucking messenger. 

Because, you know, conversations of the heart deserve a rich and immersive platform, LIKE FACEBOOK FUCKING MESSENGER -___-

I replied to him with two gifs. 

One was a “eehhhhh I dont knoooooowww about this....” squidgy eyed shrug sortof face. 

Then the next one was a “go for it girl” wink from The New Girl. 

Then I wrote 

“ i think polyamory is great, the experience with you has been my first foray into it and so while i have pangs of hesitation, all in all im confident in myself and fucking love our chemistry and feel a smoothness to it all“

I dont totally feel a smoothness to it all. What I really wanted to say was, “just help me feel special. as long as I feel special to you, like, you show me that I matter to you, I’m down with other women in your life. Just dont make me feel like I’m just a consolation prize or a second thought or like, a back burner sort of person.  Make me feel special, that you know I’m awesome, and I’m okay” 

But I dont know if that would have read well. 

With my ex, that didnt go well. I didnt articulate it in a manner he understood and I guess I came off sounding like a controlling diva princess. Which I still dont totally understand but, hey, we’re all biased to whats in our own heads. Our own words and opinions always make sense to US because theyre OURS, right? So yea. I didnt type all that. 

I tried to come off as cool. Hesitant, but confident. So I hope that he like... sees that and like, sees me being cool and KNOWS that I’m special. Because I imagine not everyone would reply like that? Fuck me man. FUUUCKK, see!? all this big long post... I’m not cool about this. 

Who is she? Is she hotter, funnier, cooler? better in bed? is it a psychology thing, like shes a NEW person so thats intriguing? Younger? Harder to get? I’ll never know unless we talk about it but I’m concerned talking about it I’ll slip up and say the wrong thing and lose this whole situation, then he’ll DEFINITELY sleep with other people and DEFINITELY put me on the back burner and OMG insecurities suck.

I just want somebody to see me as awesome as I feel, and say nice things and want to be around me the way I want to be around them. I want to share and make music and food with someone I love and tell them theyre great and make out and make love and be proud to hold hands at a party and have no one else because we’ve got all we need and aint nobody gon’ step to our awesomeness because we’re royalty. Like having a best friend. Like a beeeeeest friend. 

I asked him if shes coming to his New Years Day party. I’ve been looking forward to going for a few days now, but now I’m realizing I wont necessarily be the apple of his eye. I’m horrible at competing for attention, especially in a blatant way. Plus I think it puffs up men’s egos too much to like, fawn for attention. I know I just have to be myself and if he sees me and notices and comes over to give ME attention then thats great, and if not I’m still just present and being myself and thats as pure as it has to be...

But I have a knot in my stomach now. Im trying really hard to be cool while still dropping hints of like, Hey I want you to treat me like a lady and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me its all gonna be okay, so to speak. 

I dont want to need to be coddled. But I’m not that indifferent of a person. I want to KNOW how people feel about me. 

I guess it could be cool tho, to like... be sexy and sexual and know he’s into me but okay with me expressing myself with other people. That is actually pretty cool, if thats whats happening. 

But then why am I having such a hard time turning it around and being happy for him and confident for him and psyched for him to be with other people? 

I feel like, ideally, I want to be with someone super hot and sexy and JUST into me, but to have the same intentions of like... kicking ass and taking names TOGETHER. Like, having threesomes or group sex and dominating the room, having everyone love us and fawn over us, but KNOW that we’re a TEAM and that without a single down we kick ass TOGETHER and are only in love with each other. That we can be physical and enjoy other people but at the end of the day we’re the ones in charge, our love is untouchable and although other people are fun and part of the mix, that nothing can reach the pinnacle of awesome that is us. 

THAT would be tight. But I dont think he’s in that frame of mind. Nor am I sure that I’d even want that with someone I’m not in love with. And I’m not in love with him. Not yet any way. There’s so much more to learn first. SOOOOOOO much more to learn first. 

Our “relationship”? does feel more mature though. At least for me. I am (contrary to this journal entry) much more brave about saying things out loud to him. I feel like I can confess and be more truthful about my opinions and what I need. Not entirely, but definitely more than with my ex. 

uuuugh I feel sad and weird. Probably gonna clean my room and pirate some version of Spirited Away offline. 

He just sent me a last little thing, because I said “have a good time tonight, be safe plz (implying please use a condom) and I’ll see ya next year.”

To which he replied “I absolutely will. Sending love hunnybunch.”

So he’s sending love... 

Thats at least a smidge of ease off the knot in my stomach. I just wanna feel special :/ I hope she knows about ME. I want some manner of authority here. Although I dont tell other people I flirt or hook up with that I’m sleeping with him... But should I? Are we stepping into actual relationship territory? 

I feel like if I knew where he placed me in this then I’d have more solid footing. But how the fuck do I ask that without sounding like a total dweeb/ or Nazi / or chaperone / or old lady? 

FUUUCK I feel so dumb! 

How can I feel less dumb?

No one is gonna read this far. 

Goodnight.