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padfootagain · 8 months ago

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Only an Almost (X)

Chapter 10: Too Sweet

Hello!! Here is another chapter! This one is very fluffy!! (Surprising, I know) Also, some heavy make-out�� let me remind you that this is not written for minors!

We are already halfway-through this fic, as it will be 20-chapters long!

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

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Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 1549

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

Fucking adorable, that was what you were…

As you looked at Andrew with a grin on your lips, expectant, excited, a tidal wave of affection washed over his heart. A warm, peaceful, affectionate feeling that made him giddy, created butterflies in his stomach, made his heart speed up and a dreamy smile form on his lips.

You were trying to get a peek inside his cupboard, to see his brand-new harvest of honey. He had promised you would get some to take home, and had prepared a little honeypot for you. He wasn’t sure why, but seeing you this excited for something as simple as this was turning his heart into a puddle.

“There you go, this one’s yours.”

He handed the small jar. It was nothing special. A plain glass jar filled with honey. You were grinning as you took it in your hands.

“Thank you!”

You rose to your tiptoes to drop a peck to his cheek, and he couldn’t help but blush as he hurried to close the cupboard.

“It’s nothing…”

“It’s your honey! Of course, it’s something! You’ve worked hard to make it.”

“To be fair, the bees are the ones doing all the work,” he dodged the compliment, scrubbing at his cheek in a nervous gesture, feeling his cheeks get warm.

“True,” you admitted in a giggle. “But even if that’s the case, you’re still doing more than I would.”

“Taking care of bees isn’t that hard, you could do it.”

“I don’t know… I’m a little scared at the idea of being surrounded by bees.”

“You’re wearing a suit, it’s alright. It’s perfectly safe. Besides, you’re not harming them, so they won’t harm you either. Perhaps one day, I could teach you. And you could make honey too!”

It would be our honey…

“Hmm… still… I’ll leave the making of the honey to you, and focus on the eating!”

You opened the jar, smelled the sweetness of the nectar inside. You hummed, closing your eyes.

“Smells so good.”

You dipped your finger inside, licked it clean. Andrew struggled to swallow, looking away, trying to control himself.

“It’s delicious! God, Andy! This is so good!”

But Andrew wasn’t looking at you. Instead, he was looking outside, at the rain falling on his garden, holding on the kitchen counter, trying to forget the thoughts that had come up in his mind, the sins he wanted to commit with you…

“You know what would be delicious? Some fruits! Some fruits with your honey would be delicious!”

You opened the cupboard, picked up a plate, and then you reached for the drawer and picked up a knife. Andrew washed an apple and handed it to you without a word. You had spent too much time in his house for this not to be natural. You in his kitchen, making snacks. In silence, he filled up a kettle, still unable to look at you but hiding it well.

You took some mugs from the cupboard above his sink, rising to your tiptoes to reach them. It made Andrew grow a tender smile.

And it was easy. Being there, doing something so insignificant and domestic in his house with you… like you belonged there. It was obvious, the way you moved in this space he called home, like it was yours more than his.

He could picture himself doing this every day with you. Letting you in the spaces that were most private to him, the ones that made him feel safe. You belonged there. You belonged in the warmth of a home he would call his…

“I’ll let you cut the apple, or else you will criticize what I’m doing. I’ll make tea instead,” you told him, a playful smile on your lips, bringing him back to earth.

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t deny that you were right. So, he picked up the knife and cut the apple into slices, the way his mother had taught him years ago, in another kitchen, in another safe place he called home.

You chose your favourite tea, there was always a stache of it in his home. Your favourite biscuits too. Your favourite ice-cream. Your favourite book. Your favourite movie. Your shampoo and soap had been added recently, now that you stayed for a shower. But pieces of you had always been here, you had always been here…

You put the pieces in a bowl, added a little bit of honey, just enough to make the fruit sticky and sinfully sweet. You gave a happy wiggle when you ate the first piece, not waiting for Andrew to give you a fork, and instead, picking it up with your fingers, making them sticky as well.

“Delicious!” you complimented him, making his heart jump.

This afternoon was lovely. It was raining hard outside, the sky a mournful shade of grey; but it was warm inside Andrew’s home, and you were happy and smiling, and joking around, and life was good for as long as you were in it…

Andrew didn’t think as he bent down, capturing your lips with his. He barely registered his movements when he wrapped his arms around you, holding you close, a hand sprayed across your spine, the other holding firmly your waist. You let out a surprised sigh, and then you blinked your eyes closed, hands coming up to cradle his face.

You tasted of apple and honey, sweetness at its finest. Too sweet to be real…

Your lips were sticky with the juice of the fruit and the sugar of the honey. Andrew didn’t care. He didn’t mind either when your fingers ran down his neck to open the buttons of his shirt. He could feel the sugar on them too.

You broke free from his embrace, leaving him dizzy with your taste and your warmth against his body. He blinked down at you.

“Sorry, my hands are all sticky. Hang on.”

You washed the honey away, and Andrew waited impatiently next to you, opening and closing his fists, trying not to reach out, not to scare you away.

You were so beautiful…

“Better,” you smiled, showing your clean hands, and he smiled back at you without noticing.

God, he loved you so fucking much, and he couldn’t say it. But then again, he saw how your gaze softened, how your expression grew peaceful with tenderness. And he caught himself dreaming that this could be love, that you could feel the same.

It was stupid, perhaps, it was him forgetting about the major obstacle that was his career, and your fear of living a lonely life because of him. Still, as he looked at you then, he let himself believe for a second that one day, he could finally speak the words that rested for now on the tip of his tongue.

Still, your touch was soft when you took his hand in yours.

“Andy?”

He hummed, raising an eyebrow to encourage you to speak.

“Can we go to your bedroom now?”

You added mischief to your smile, it made him dizzy; thoroughly addicted to the sight too.

He gently pulled on your hand so you would follow him. You didn’t steal kisses until you were both standing in front of his large bed. And then your lips were back on his, you were freeing his hair from the messy bun he had been sporting. His hand slipped under your t-shirt and your jumper, spreading his fingers over your bare skin. Warm. Soft. Making his entire body burn with desire.

When his lips moved to your neck, you let out a moan, and he reckoned that this ought to be the sound of heaven, the perfect melody he had been looking for all his life.

“Can I be on top?” you asked in a tone made shaky by his fingers pulling on your bra.

“Whatever you want, honey,” Andrew mumbled into your skin, before attaching his lips to yours again.

You didn’t correct him, let him have the pet name. Perhaps your mind was as blurry as his while you kissed passionately, while your fingers finished to unbutton his shirt. The blink of an eye, and somehow you were shirtless, skin exposed to the air and to Andrew’s angry lips while you stumbled to reach his bed.

He lost his shirt before you gently pushed him on the bed, and then you were lying on top of him, and Andrew had to pinch himself to remember that this was real, no matter how many times he had lived this scene before.

You hovered over him, just a breath away, looking at him like you were admiring him…

“You’re so handsome, Andy…” you let out in a whisper, like a confession. It made his body slightly tremble.

“You’re gorgeous, Y/N.”

You shook your head, and he caught himself thinking that this look in your eyes held more than infatuation or physical attraction. Something closer to adoration, the kind of gazes he aimed at you.

You blinked, eyes glimmering in the light made dim by the rain outside. Your voice was deeper when you spoke, almost hoarse, as if tightened with emotions.

“Andy… I lo…”

But you stopped, left him suspended to your words. You let out a shaky breath, and instead of speaking, merely kissed him again.

#hozier #the hoziest #andrew hozier byrne #hozier x reader #hozier x you #hozier x y/n #hozier x fem!reader #hozier fanfiction #hozier fanfic #hozier series #fanfiction #writing #fanfic #series

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whimsijoy · 13 days ago

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steve harrington makes you tarmac pancakes for your birthday *ੈ✩‧₊˚

wc: 800 (FLAT!!! i’m so good.)

a/n: i did this instead of doing the dishes. whoopsiessss but all you guys have been so nice on my last steve one (which was so bad u guys can say it lol) that i supposed i shall write anotha one :D

warnings: none. if i miss something feel free to use my ask box! requests are open!

—

“When did I let you back near a stove?” You ask with a soft smile on your face, looking at the tragedy that is your kitchen at the moment. You’re resting your hip against the doorway of the kitchen, watching him work.

“Uhm..” Steve counters, looking at the bowl of pancake mix that is definitely too runny, and by the looks of it, is definitely over-mixed. “New year, new you, and we’re like essentially the same person, so my kitchen ban has expired.” He says as he continues to mix, watching the pale liquid swirl in the glass mixing bowl.

You push off the side jamb and slowly walk over to him. You place your hands on each side of his torso and look over into the bowl. He has the spirit, you think as you look at the oddly smooth batter. You wipe some of the dry pancake mix off of his cheek and press a kiss there instead.

You glance over to the stove when you fully commit to a hug from the behind, and frown when you see the smoke coming off of the dry pan. You slowly move away from Steve’s mixing fixation and try to subtly turn the heat down for him. What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.

You finish your lap around the kitchen by sitting at the counter in front of Steve and giving him a small, adoring smile. He accidentally woke you this morning, despite the fact that he wanted to let you sleep in for your birthday instead.

“It’s okay, really, honey.” You’d said.

“No, ‘cause… You’re always complaining about waking up early! Shh..” He’d replied at a whisper shout level, stroking his hand down your face in a diverting attempt to get you to lay back down.

“Waking up early helps me feel more productive.” You’d mumbled out, still too tired to decide whether that was true or not yet. Either way, he got his way.

After a begrudged extra half hour of rest, you’d revealed yourself from the bedroom, and now you’re here. All you’re doing now is making googly eyes at him as he moves around the kitchen.

“We should get you an apron.” You mumble out mindlessly, watching him go from the stove to the sink, to back to the stove again.

“Only if it says kiss the cook.” He laughs, giving you a show of his teeth, the way that his eyes crinkle at the corners, and the way his nose scrunches up just a little bit.

“I’ll get that arranged.” You assure him with a smile on your lips that he’s quick to peck over the counter.

—

After about 20 or so minutes, there’s a stack of 4 sadly flat pancakes placed in front of you with a candle shoved into the middle. You look at the shine of the butter, syrup and give him an even wider smile than before. You pick up the butter knife and attempt to cut through the thin stack, but, all you’re given in response is a slit through the first one and a crease in the next.

You try to adapt instead of laugh. You don’t want to break his heart, because you know he tried with the pancakes. You set down the fork and knife before tearing a piece off with your fingers instead, and popping the morsel into your mouth. You get to chewing and can’t help the sorry smile on your lips.

“Babe..” You laugh out, trying to make sure you don’t inhale the piece while simultaneously shielding the view of your mouth.

Big brown eyes look up to you in a mix of worry and amusement, but mostly worry. “What, what?” He asks quickly, going to take the fork to try and cut off a piece.

You notice him having to put his bicep into it, and you can’t decide between laughing harder or swooning. You decide on both before rushing to swallow the bite. You watch his face form into what yours was and can’t help but laugh a little harder.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” You laugh out. “It’s not… bad.” You attempt to assure him behind your hand as you watch him swallow.

“Well it’s definitely not good, oh my god.” He says as he moves the plate away from you. You get up from the kitchen stool to try and make sure you didn’t break his newfound cooking fixation due to one bad run, but your worry melts when you see him smiling too.

“Let’s go to the Diner you like instead, yeah?” He asks you with a sorry smile. You hug him tightly and stroke his arm, looking up at the edge of his jaw.

“Sure. It’s okay.” You mumble into his bicep. “Breakfast is overrated anyways.” You decide.

#steve harrington x reader #stranger things steve #steve harrington #stranger things #steve harrington x y/n #steve harrington x you #steve x reader established relationship #pancakes #jax’s blurbs

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archivalofsins · 7 days ago

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The timeline today is so fun.

Really loving Mahiru's commitment to this whole I'm not holding a grudge at all routine. Like I'm so forgiving, I'm not mad. Please, come a little closer and trust me.

After all, I'm no liar-

Love is (Un)Dead 6:47 six minutes and forty-seven seconds in. "This means that... You think of me as a liar, doesn't it...? Did I do something that made you think that?

I would never hold a grudge, get jealous, or lie.

Love Is Mine 8:56 eight minutes and fifty-six seconds in. Jealousy... Grudges... Having your partner stolen from you... Those stories aren't all that uncommon now, are they? "You're wrong. It wasn't that. I... Never even wanted to kill anyone in the first place!"

Me big sis Mahiru nooo- never!

Love is (Un)Dead 1:24 one minute and twenty-four seconds in. "I think Kotoko-chan is the one who caused this, so... You know. It's not like it's your fault. Um, so...! I'm not holding a grudge against Kotoko-chan, either. I'm sure she just thought it couldn't be helped..."

"A monstrous dilemm... "DIE"."

Like go off passive aggressive queen. For someone who doesn't do any of those things, they're certainly brought up around and by you a lot. That's none of my business, though.

I am curious as to why you went to cell ten to talk to Kotoko but mentioned needing to thank Shidou still while there?

I mean, that's a bit odd. He lives right next to you. On top of that, he's been your caretaker for over a year now. Have you not seen him today? That's peculiar because he's presented himself as always needing to be by your side or you'd die. Because that's how bad your condition is.

Even discussing still giving you treatment on Yuno's birthday.

24/09/02 (Yuno’s Birthday)

Shidou: Thank you for your assistance with Shiina-kun’s treatment. It’s been a big help having you here. Both for her and for me. It’s good to know that even if something happens to me, you’ll still be around.

Yuno: No way. I can’t do anything on my own. All I’m doing is helping with whatever you’re doing. It’s just like playing pretend as a nurse.

Shidou: No, you’ve got a good sense for things like this. You’re quick to notice things, calm and fearless. If you haven’t decided what you want to be in the future, maybe you should consider becoming a doctor yourself.

Yuno: You think so? ……haha, stop it. I don’t want to be thinking about the future right now. And for someone like me to have other people’s lives in my hands…… that’s no laughing matter.

I know the audience hasn't seen you thank him within the timeline.

Yet, why would this come to mind while you were meeting up with Kotoko of all people? You didn't come here to thank her. You just wished her happy birthday.

So, what's the correlation? Why would seeing Kotoko make you think of thanking Shidou?

"In that case, give me the chance to make amends to extract that fang, now."

Weird it's just quite odd that would come to mind upon going to see her. Like, oh, Happy Birthday- Ah, that reminds me I should probably find a way to help and thank Shidou for all he's done for me.

Q.06 Do you forgive Kotoko?

Shidou: No. I can’t forgive someone for trying to achieve things with violence.

Q.07 Are there any prisoners you get along with?

Mahiru: I talk to Shidou-san a lot now, since he’s looking at my injuries. Also, Yuno-chan.

Even though you've both spoken a lot since the beginning of trial two, he lives right besides you, and he's been taking care of you daily- You haven't thanked him yet, Mahiru? Is that because you want to thank him through a certain gesture. By giving him something he may want in return for everything he's done for you. Could it be that seeing Kotoko reminded you of thanking him because she's somehow involved in how you will.

Let's cut the bullshit are you gonna try to kill Kotoko? Because, uh, this is getting questionable. The are you mad I'm not mad passive aggressiveness, the amicable distance, it's nothing new for her.

Kazui even asks her about it at the very start.

20/06/19

Kazui: By the way…… thanks, Shiina-chan. You keep going around and talking to people to make sure the mood never gets too sour, right?It’s a big help. We’re all in here together, after all. If a fight broke out, the whole group could fall apart.

Mahiru: ……eh? Huh~? Ah, no, I’m just talking to people because I personally want to talk. All the kids are so cute, so I can’t help but want to fuss over them! A fight, huh… But if that ever happened, then you’ll definitely be a big help, right~? Since you’re so big! And buff!

Kazui: Ahh, no. I mean, I’ll do what I can. Based on appearance, as long as nobody has a weapon, I think I can probably get everyone under control…… No, we should just hope that nothing like that ever happens.

Mahiru: You know, I quite like watching martial arts, actually. I don’t really get it, but it looks super cool. Hi-yah! Hi-yah!

In the same way Yuno and Futa question Mikoto for always seeming to force a smile and being chatty. Yet Kazui saying this has rarely ever been taken as an accurate read of Mahiru's personality like the statements about Mikoto have.

Like it's easy to fall into stereotyping and think,

Q.05 Who do you dislike most out of the other prisoners?

Mahiru: Futa-kun is a bully, so definitely out! Also, Mikoto is pretty flippant, he kinda seems like the type who’d cheat~

Futa is a brazen hot-head who doesn't think before acting. He's a natural bully he was too uneducated and reactionary to actually know the harm he was causing. Mikoto is careless and flippant but he was trying so hard. He never wanted to hurt anybody. They never had the intent to do what they did and regret it now.

Mahiru is just a silly airhead who didn't realize the harm she was causing to her partner.

"My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care!"

She was never actively malicious. She didn't want to cause harm to anyone. She wasn't holding a grudge or anything. There's not one hateful jealous bitter bone in her little silly body. She even still extends grace and kindness to Kotoko after all she put her through.

Mahiru Shiina is so kind she's bordering on saintly.

I hope everyone remembers how kindness can be used to manipulate and do harm to others outside of people who have moral ocd and think about that every day. Looking into love bombing outside of abusive religious contexts can be helpful to. Mostly because it allows one to recognize when it's being done on a interpersonal level and not just structural ones.

Knowing a good deal about both is always good.

Love Is Mine 10:32 ten minutes and thirty-two seconds in. "I... discovered how amazing it was to be in love with someone. It's incredible, you know? Each and every day seemed to sparkle and everything became vibrant. It transforms such mundane scenarios into those of soap operas and films!

Signs of Love Bombing Love bombing is often romanticized in TV and movies. The typical story involves an uninterested character who is being pursued by an eager suitor. The pursuer consistently violates the uninterested character’s boundaries until they fall in love and decide to be together. However, this unrealistic depiction of a relationship is actually a story of love bombing and how it can manifest in real life.

"This can’t go on, something’s got to give, I even love saying the words, “I love you”. My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care! Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?"

Love Is Mine 6:58 six minutes and fifty-eight seconds in. "You're fifteen, aren't you? Right in the heat of adolescence! Do you have anyone you like?" I honestly have no interest in those matters. "What? No, no. There's no such thing as that. Being in love is like a landmine. It'll explode someday, you know? The only thing that differs is whether it happens earlier or later in life."

According to Psychology Today, “love bombing is an attempt to influence another person with over-the-top displays of attention and affection.” This kind of behavior is a form of emotional abuse, and although it can be experienced during any stage of a relationship, it is often seen in the early stages of getting to know one another. It may seem like your new partner really likes you, but love bombing can often serve as a warning sign of an unhealthy relationship.

"What do you think? I know it's not the type of question you want to be asked."

Ultimately, you are the only one who knows what makes you feel comfortable and what does not. We know that all relationships exist on a spectrum from healthy to abusive, so it always helps to check in with yourself and decide if you need to speak to your partner about your concerns.

Healthy A healthy relationship means that both you and your partner are: Communicative. You talk openly about problems and listen to one another. You respect each other’s opinions. Respectful. You value each other’s opinions, feelings, and needs, and give each other the freedom to be yourself and be loved for who you are. Trusting. You believe what your partner has to say and don’t feel the need to “prove” each other’s trustworthiness. Honest. You’re honest with each other but can still keep some things private. Equal. You make decisions together and hold each other to the same standards. You and your partner have equal say with regard to major decisions within the relationship. All partners have access to the resources they need. Setting boundaries. You enjoy spending time apart, alone, or with others. You respect each other’s need for time and space apart. You communicate with each other about what you are and aren’t comfortable with. Practicing consent. You talk openly about sexual and reproductive choices together. All partners always willingly consent to sexual activity and can safely discuss what you are and aren’t comfortable with. Parenting supportively. All partners are able to parent in a way that they feel comfortable with. You communicate together about the needs of the child(ren), as well as the needs of the parents. Unhealthy You may be in an unhealthy relationship if your partner is: Non-communicative. When problems arise, you fight or you don’t discuss them at all. Disrespectful. You or your partner behave inconsiderately toward the other. Not trusting. You or your partner refuse to believe the other or feel entitled to invade their privacy. Dishonest. You or your partner lie, omit, or obscure facts. Taking control. You or your partner takes steps to suggest that one’s desires and choices are more important than another’s. Isolating. Your partner restricts your contact with other people, either in person or online. Pressured into sexual activity. One partner uses pressure or guilt against another to coerce them into sexual acts or reproductive choices. Ignoring boundaries. It’s assumed or implied that only one partner is responsible for making informed decisions. Unequal economically. Finances aren’t discussed. Financial decisions are made unilaterally or it’s assumed that only one partner is in charge of finances. Abusive A relationship is abusive when your partner: Communicates harmfully. Your partner communicates or in a way that is hurtful, threatening, insulting, or demeaning. Mistreats the other. Your partner doesn’t respect your thoughts, feelings, decisions, opinions, or physical safety. Makes untrue accusations. Your partner accuses you of cheating or breaking the boundaries of your relationship. Your partner may escalate by creating situations where you need to “prove” your trustworthiness, like handing over your social media passwords. Controls the other. There’s no equality in your relationship. One partner makes decisions without the other’s input, or makes all of the decisions in certain parts of the relationship, like finances. Isolates the other. Your partner controls where you travel, who you talk to, or how you spend your time. This often includes physical or emotional isolation from your family and friends. Forces sexual activity or controls reproductive choices. Your partner forces or pressures you to engage in sexual activity you don’t want to. Your partner controls your reproductive choices by sabotaging birth control, or by pressuring you to have or not have children. Controls finances. Your partner controls the money and access to resources, including preventing you from earning an income or accessing their own income. Having an open, respectful dialogue about finances is not an option. Manipulates children. Your partner uses your children to gain power and control over you, including telling them lies or baseless criticisms about you.

"Ring ring, I’m calling you in the middle of the night Forcing you to wake up, and I say “Good Morning!”." - "Giving you love to the point of pulling you down. It’s just because I still get worried, please forgive me. Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual."

Love Bombing Sign #4: Communication Overload When you first establish your relationship, you may speak to your partner more frequently, because you are learning about each other and your desires for your relationship. Good communication is required to have a solid and healthy relationship, but you should not be feeling overwhelmed by the amount of communication you are receiving. This could be an excellent time to talk about how you feel and find a way to communicate with each other that works for both of you.

Sign #1: "Soulmate" Status Finding a partner that feels like a perfect fit is gratifying. But it can take time to really get to know your partner. When love bombing occurs, often labels such as “soulmate”, “their person,” or “their other half” are applied early in the relationship. While it may feel validating to be considered as an important figure in their lives, it could be a cause for concern if you have not known them very long, or if you feel uncomfortable. Even being told “I love you” within a couple of weeks of starting a relationship can be a red flag. If you feel unsettled about how fast you’re moving, it may be time to speak with your partner.

"I even love saying the words, “I love you”."

Sign #2: Exaggerated Compliments Compliments are a great way to show that you’re interested in each other. It is not unusual to exchange compliments in a relationship, especially as you are getting to know one another. However, if the comments your partner is making seem over-the-top, it could be another sign of love bombing, especially if they make you feel uneasy. Here are some examples: “My prayers have been answered now that I have you in my life.” “I feel like you were created just for me.” “I can’t imagine finding anyone more perfect than you.” “My life would be nothing without you.” These types of comments can feel overwhelming, and if you are still getting to know them, it may come across as grandiose. A gut check with yourself may be helpful to decide if you are comfortable with these types of statements. If they do not feel right to you, try to address these feelings with your partner. If possible, discuss creating boundaries that work for both of you.

"Wanting to know everything about you, but wanting to die because it can’t come true."

"I suck at pretending to smile- But see! I feel great because of you!"

"The things that I only want to say to you, and the things that I want from you is love."

Is Love Enough? But the truth is, love isn’t always enough of a reason to stay in a relationship. Don’t get us wrong: loving someone, or caring deeply for them, is a wonderful thing, but it’s a feeling that can also make a relationship complicated. We hear from many people who tell us about unhealthy behaviors or feeling unhappy in a relationship but say that they still love their partners. It’s very possible to have feelings of love for someone even if they are mistreating you. It’s important to recognize that love is just one part of a whole. There are a few other crucial ingredients to having a solid, healthy relationship.

"We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt. Let’s have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad."

"Saying I love you but doing what I did, I know I have no right, crossed and covered in sin. My love, it scored an own goal, destroyed my love and me with its weight. Tell me, oh tell me why, can’t I just do it right."

Love is (Un)Dead 5:03 five minutes and three seconds in.

What I saw was... just you having fun. I'm sure you were in love. Your feelings of bliss were conveyed to me as well. Right? It was really fun..! Did it make you want to fall in love?

I was happy, I had fun, I wanted, all I did-

Love is (Un)Dead 4:31 four minutes and thirty-one seconds in.

Was love someone.

Meanwhile each time this guys feelings are alluded to.

What do you think? I know it's not the type of question you want to be asked.

Ring ring, I’m calling you in the middle of the night. Forcing you to wake up, and I say “Good Morning!”. But I fall asleep before you, I really feel bad you know? We can both feel lonely sometimes, but wonder if you’ll get angry soon.

This adorable, earnest, sincere ♥ Is bleeding, wailing, this is the end- What you trampled is my, “This is how to be in love with you”

I don’t need anyone else, as long as I have you I could do anything as long as you smiled, I actually believed that. The happiness we tightly bound up and suffocated, is no longer here.

If I could see you again, I wonder, what would I say to you and how?

Non-communicative. When problems arise, you fight or you don’t discuss them at all.

"We fought sometimes, I was happy to get hurt. Let’s have matching pain, this sickness is pretty bad."

"Even when I test you, even the times we do the breakup ritual."

Communicates harmfully. Your partner communicates or in a way that is hurtful, threatening, insulting, or demeaning.

Do you really think you know what love is?

My emotions are out of control, that’s inconvenient? I don’t care! Tell me, oh tell me why, won’t you just accept me?"

On to the birthday girl. This is the third time this trial Kotoko has been shown her actions had no impact on the prisoners or their behaviors. From Mikoto walking up to her as though nothing happened on her last birthday,

22/12/15 (Kotoko’s Birthday)

Mikoto: Ah, Koto-chan. It’s been a while. Both of us have kinda split off from the group, but how’ve things been? A lot’s happened, but for now let’s try to get along. I mean, it’s your birthday today, right? I got the feeling nobody else was going to do anything, so I came to celebrate.

Kotoko: ……how carefree. It doesn’t matter, a villain like you won’t be forgiven next time either. And when that time comes, it’ll be the end for you. I’ll make sure of it myself.

Mikoto: Ahh?? Just try and do it, you nutjob. I’ll crush anyone who hurts me…… You’re gonna be totally beaten at your own game……!

Kotoko: Hm. The border between the two is getting a lot vaguer. Your entire existence is a crime. And I will see you’re punished for it. That is what Milgram, and Es, and I have chosen.

To Haruka approaching her despite the big deal Shidou and Kazui were making about negotiating a ceasefire with her.

23/12/15 (Kotoko’s Birthday)

Haruka: ……please, don’t tell anyone. And also, please, don’t get involved. All I can do, is ask, you……

Kotoko: ––Fufu, fufufufufu. That’s a crazy thing to be thinking. Honestly, it’s weird. But I don’t hate it. If only all the wrongdoers were like you.

Haruka: No…… that’s wrong…… That’s not, why I’m doing, this…… This, isn’t for me…… I have to protect…… so, Kotoko-san…… please……

Kotoko: Eh? Ah, yeah, yeah. Well, I promise I won’t get in your way. Honestly, if I could, I’d love to do it myself, but I’ll step back this time. As for what happens next…… I wonder. It depends on Es.

To Mu going up to her on her own birthday just to tell her off,

24/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Mu: You know, I think this is all your fault really. Everyone’s on edge because you lashed out. And because of that, nobody’s paying attention to me any more. It’s kinda boring. I don’t get it.

Kotoko: ……you went out of you way to say that to my face? Aren’t you scared of me? The next target of my fangs might be you.

Mu: Why? Kotoko-san, aren’t you punishing the bad guys? I didn’t do anything wrong. And anyway, fufu, you’re talking like you’re fine too. Aren’t you gonna be not forgiven too this time? What will you do then? Start biting yourself? Fufu, that’s hilarious. I want to watch.

Kotoko: ……you’re good at provoking people. I’ll pray that you won’t be forgiven this time. When that time comes, I’ll be sure to crush you.

All the way to the person she did the most harm to coming up to her without issue. Despite in Love is (Un)Dead Mahiru jumping at Es just touching her,

Mahiru! "...!! Stop it!" ...! " ...! A... Ah- I-I I'm sorry... ... If you touch me so suddenly, it makes me remember... How it hurt... And I get scared."

If you touch me suddenly guard that reminds me of getting hurt but going up to Kotoko the one who hurt me well that's totally fine. It's been long enough for me to get over the trauma of being jumped unprompted by her. In fact I'm not even upset or angry about that at all. I think she had her reasons.

I'm not holding a grudge because,

Q.06 Do you forgive Kotoko?

Mahiru: At the very least, I don’t blame her for it. She acted for the sake of an ideal she can’t concede on.

So of course she has no issue going up to Kotoko to wish her a happy birthday. All by herself. She's not afraid of what Kotoko could do even while she's having trouble moving about and receiving treatment for the injuries Kotoko gave her just last intermission. Because her and Kotoko are the same in that regard they both have something they can't concede on she understands her and just wants to wish her a happy birthday.

Meanwhile Kotoko expected Mahiru to complain about her behavior in the same way Mu had on her birthday this year.

She expected to be admonished. Not only because Mu did it but because she's guilty now. That's all she's been hearing. So, why would Mahiru be any different. Why wouldn't she be coming their to kick while she was already down?

Instead Mahiru came to wish her a happy birthday.

Because that's how insignificant Kotoko's behavior was to everyone else there. They have bigger concerns than her throwing fits and now that they know she will they can prepare for that. Mahiru isn't mad, she didn't change drastically, she didn't come here to go I see what I did in the past was wrong and understand why you reacted that way I'm sorry.

Just like Haruka, Mu, and Mikoto she's going on like normal.

It must be so grating for Kotoko to see just how insignificant her "justice" is to everyone else in this prison. Literally no one cares. She did all that to instill fear in the hopes of making them see how their actions were wrong to punish them for being evil and unjust. Yet here we are.

No one in the prison has changed drastically, they didn't learn anything from her abuse, and none of them seem to be afraid of or even remotely concerned with her anymore. It really seems like she's starting to realize the only thing she accomplished through her attacks is displaying how much of an idiot she is.

Just like Yuno said,

Q.09 What do you think about Kotoko’s attacks?

Yuno: Is she an idiot? Nothing’s going to change in the world if you just act out violently where everyone can see.

The people she beat up are now innocent. They've been acquitted given a slap on the wrist like all the bad guys she attacked in Harrow. While all the blame is back on her. Just like with the court case. It was easy to say it was self-defense at first but people kept looking into it statements got recanted and she began falling out of favor.

Possibly even getting kicked out of her university. Because people always want to see a bad person falling but they never want to feel like they caused it.

This may possibly be her worst case scenario. I mean all she wanted was to be drowning in the fact that she was right while everyone else here was wrong. Now as far as she knows they may all be innocent and the only person being told they're wrong here is her.

Play stupid games win stupid prizes I suppose but the least they could do is still be afraid of her, fear her authority as Es' helper, the idea that she did it once and could very well do it again. Nope. They simply don't care they're over it. They've moved on. Even the person she injured to the extent that she almost died isn't even afraid of her.

In fact it seems more like she feels bad for her. The only person to treat her as though she had any authority over trial two was Haruka and that was just so she wouldn't intervene with his plans. Everyone else has pretty much gone oh that's cute you think you have some power here.

They've treated her no different from them because to them she is no different in fact to some of them she's less than. Someone they'd never be friends with. Someone who just hasn't realized they're being taken advantage of yet. Someone pathetic who's only recourse will be beating themselves up once they're in the position they beat others for being in.

Then here's Mahiru offering yet another olive branch.

Just like Mikoto at the beginning of trial two who said I figured no one else would wish you happy birthday so I came to say it. That must be tough. No wonder the only way she could respond was by saying she was crazy. She must be crazy it's definitely not a clear example of her methods not working. Mahiru is just insane anyone else would fall in line or avoid her after being beat like that.

So, Mahiru must be uniquely terrible, stupid, or the punishment wasn't harsh enough. In the long run Kotoko may end up believing the punishments weren't harsh enough, that she shouldn't have held back due to trusting Es or not wanting to do too much too soon. Because that's how it is. People can't force each other to change no matter if they try to kindly or harshly.

The only time people change is when they are willing to. But it really does kind of seem like Mahiru is going to try to kill Kotoko as a way of paying Shidou back. Especially if he's been complaining about her to Mahiru as much as he has been to the audience.

Like it would not surprise me.

#milgram #shiina mahiru #shidou kirisaki #yuzuriha kotoko

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sequinsmile-x · 24 days ago

Text

Stained Glass Windows - Chapter Eighty

Life was complicated, but they wouldn't have it any other way.

-x-

Hi besties <3

Today is the two year anniversary of the first chapter of SGW being posted!! Which is crazy, and wild and everything in between - and I can't believe that you are all still enjoying and reading this fic!

Thank you for your continued love for this version of them as we start the final 1/5 of this fic <3

As always, let me know what you think <3

-x-

Words: 2.3k

A full list of warnings for the fic can be found on the Series Master List.

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Emily groans as she tries to get comfortable in a hard plastic chair, one hand on her bump as she tries to resettle. She catches the eye of the woman sitting opposite her in the waiting room and they exchange a knowing look as she does the same thing. She couldn’t believe she was 20 weeks along, that she was halfway through her pregnancy. Time felt like it was slipping through her fingers like sand, catching only briefly on her skin before she lost it forever.

It made her ache when she looked at Lily sometimes, something she was sure was made worse by her pregnancy hormones. It felt like just yesterday that she was a tiny little thing in Aaron’s arms as he handed her to Emily to hold for the first time, his smile soft and voice shaking as he told her they had a little girl. Aaron always had to remind Emily that Lily was still only 18 months old, his smile just as soft as the first time she held their baby girl as he assured her that even though she could walk and talk now, she was still very much her baby. She knew it would go just as quickly with this baby too. That in a year's time she’d be looking at his or her sweet face and wondering where the time had gone, her focus on features she couldn’t quite picture yet that she’d commit to memory the second she could.

There were times when she struggled to believe that this really was her life, that it wasn’t just some dream. That she’d fallen in love with Aaron and they’d made it work, that their love for each other had created the family they now had - broken pieces of her life and his merging together to make something beautiful. She couldn’t imagine her life without him, Jack, Lily and the baby rolling in her belly, and she never wanted to picture a world without them. If this was a dream, it was certainly one she never wanted to wake up from.

Her phone vibrates in her pocket and she smiles as she pulls it out, Aaron’s name and contact photo - a picture of him with Lily on one hip and Jack on the other - flashing up at her.

“Hi,” she says as she answers, the bustling sound of the precinct he was in giving away the fact he was calling her from work, “Is everything okay?”

“Everything’s fine,” he assures her, his voice low as he tries to give them some privacy, “I wanted to make sure that you made it to your appointment.”

She nods even though he can’t see her, and rests her hand on her bump, “Pickle and I are here in the most uncomfortable chair in the world,” she says, smiling when he chuckles, her dislike of the chairs at her doctor’s office well-known, “Doctor Gibson is at a delivery though so her fellow is doing the scan.”

“I’m so sorry I can’t be there sweetheart,” he says, and she can hear the guilt in his voice, can picture the way his shoulders would be tight as he curled in on himself in what he would consider his failure as a husband and father. It was a hangover from his marriage with Haley. He’d come into their relationship having learnt from his mistakes with Haley, but he was hard on himself sometimes and saw anything like this as the very thing that could start them down a rocky path he’d stumbled down before.

“You have work,” she says, smiling softly, “I don’t think the innocent people of Philadelphia would appreciate you not doing your job just so you can go to your wife’s 20 week scan,” she says, her attempt at humour falling flat when he hums, “It’s the only appointment you’ve ever missed Aaron. I’ll call and tell you all about it later when Pickle has passed everything with flying colours.”

“Emily Hotchner?”

She looks up and smiles at the nurse who’d called for her and stands up, her phone tucked between her ear and shoulder as she gathers her things, “They’ve just called me through, honey. I’ll speak to you later, okay?”

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too. We all do.”

She hangs up and follows the nurse through to the examination room, and is greeted by a doctor who looks younger than Spencer, enthusiasm shining in her eyes as she stands up to shake Emily’s hand.

“Hi Mrs Hotchner, I’m Doctor Jackson, Doctor Gibson’s fellow. She said to pass on her apologies that she couldn’t be here today.”

“That’s okay,” she says, placing her purse down on the seat Aaron would usually sit in, “And please, call me Emily. You’re going to spend the best part of an hour examining me and the baby,” she smiles as she gets onto the bed. She feels a spark of anxiety as she lays down and she instinctively reaches for Aaron’s hand before she remembers that he isn’t here. She clenches her hands into fists as she blows out a slow breath, her smile shaking a little as she looks back over at Doctor Jackson, “We may as well be on first name terms.”

“In that case, I think you should call me Louise,” she says, “Are we waiting on anyone, or-”

“My husband is away for work,” Emily replies, tugging her shirt up over her bump and tucking it under her bra, “So I’ve promised him a lot of pictures.”

Louise smiles and nods, reaching for the gel to squeeze some onto Emily’s belly, “We can definitely arrange that.”

Her anxiety starts to ease with each passing minute, her eyes fixed on her baby on the screen as Louise tells her that everything looks good. She smiles as she feels the baby shift and watches the movement on the screen, tiny fists and little legs kicking about as Louise finishes the scan.

“Everything looks really good,” Louise says as she hands Emily a paper towel to wipe the gel from her belly, “She’s measuring exactly how she should be, and I have no concerns.”

Emily smiles, huffing out a breath of relief, “Thank you, thats…” She drifts off, her eyebrows furrowing as she pulls her shirt back over her belly, “Did you say she?”

Louise’s eyes go wide, a reaction Emily would have caught regardless of her experience as a profiler, and she slaps her hand over her mouth, “Oh, Mrs Hotchner. It was in your file that you didn’t want to know. I’m so sorry, I-”

“It’s a girl?” Emily asks, her hand on her bump, her thumb tracing back and forth over where she can feel the baby, her daughter, moving, “I’m having another girl.”

“Yes, you’re having a girl,” Louise says, “I’m so sorry.”

“No thats…” she shakes her head, blowing out a slow breath as she wipes a tear from her cheek. She’d wanted it to be a surprise, but now she knew she couldn’t imagine not knowing, the image in her mind of her baby, her little girl, already clearer than it had been just a few minutes ago, “That’s amazing,” she chokes on a laugh, “I’m having another girl.”

___

She keeps the news to herself when she calls Aaron to tell him about the scan, her smile wide and her teeth digging into the inside of her cheek as she tells him that their baby looks perfect. She wants to see his face when she tells him they are having another girl, to share that experience with him in person.

It’s a long couple of days. She finds herself almost slipping up a couple of times, catching herself before she accidentally reveals they are having a daughter over the phone, so she’s even happier than usual when he texts to say he’ll be home in a few hours. She’s pacing back and forth with Lily in her arms, the toddler half-asleep, her eyes drifting closed as she fights sleep, when Emily hears the car pull up onto their driveway, and she kisses the side of Lily’s head.

“Daddy’s home, sweet girl,” she says, and she heads for the front door and smiles when he walks in, “Hi.”

“There are my girls,” he says, dropping his go-bag to the floor and stepping towards them, smiling at the sight of Lily perched on top of Emily’s bump, matching sleepy looks in their eyes. He kisses Emily and then Lily’s head, “Hi.”

“Dada!” Lily exclaims tiredly, yawning as she reaches out for him. Emily passes her over, her fingers skimming over her husband’s as he holds their daughter against his chest.

“We were just about to do bedtime,” Emily says, her hand over his on Lily’s back, “Since you’re here, do you want to do it? I’ll make us some hot chocolate.”

“I’ll be back down in a few minutes,” Aaron says, and he kisses Emily’s cheek before stepping past her, his lips against Lily’s forehead as she continues to pretend she isn’t tired, “Let’s get you to bed Lily-Pad.”

Emily watches them go and smiles when she feels the baby kick. She laughs as she presses her hand against her bump and walks to the kitchen, “It’s time to tell Daddy all about you, sweet girl.”

She’s just finishing dropping marshmallows into the hot chocolates when Aaron wraps his arms around her, his lips against her neck and his hands on her bump, “Despite acting like she wasn’t tired she fell asleep the moment I started reading to her.”

Emily hums and places her hand over his, linking their fingers together over the baby shifting under her skin, “She missed her Daddy,” she turns in his arms and kisses him, “I did too.”

“I missed you,” he kisses her before he picks up the hot chocolates and they walk into the living room. He smiles when he realises the lights on the Christmas tree are already on, and he turns to his wife, “Were you and Lily in here looking at the lights?”

She presses her lips together and nods as she sits down on the couch, “We were. She loves them.”

“Just like her mom,” Aaron says as he settles next to her, one arm looping around her shoulders whilst he places his other hand on her bump, “And next Christmas we’ll have another baby for you to pass your love of the holidays on to.”

She hums and rests her head on his shoulder, love simmering under her skin in a way that was prone to making her cry these days, “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither,” he says, kissing her temple, “I’m glad your appointment went well and everything looks good,” he says, rubbing his thumb back and forth over her sweater, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

She pulls back to look at him and cups his cheek, dragging him in for a kiss so she doesn’t just blurt out that they are having a little girl quite yet, “It’s okay, honey,” she says, stamping a kiss against his lips again, “I know you would have been there if work hadn’t got in the way.”

“The doctor said everything looked good?” He asks and she nods, running her thumb back and forth over his jaw.

“Everything looks perfect,” she says and she blows out a breath, her heart hammering so hard in her chest she’s surprised he can’t hear it, “She also told me something else…accidentally,” she says, biting her lower lip as she sucks in a breath, “She told me what we’re having.”

His eyes go wide, “She did?”

She nods, her eyes already shining with tears she knew she was seconds away from shedding, “Yeah, she was really apologetic…but I couldn’t bring myself to care,” she strokes his cheek again, feels the wonder and happiness in his dimple as she presses her thumb into it, “Do you want to know?”

“Of course, I want to know,” he says, not even having to think about it, the speed at which he answers drawing a laugh out of both of them.

“Good,” she replies, chuckling, the sound wet as it catches in her throat, “Because I would have struggled to keep it a secret from you for another 20 weeks,” she presses her lips together and blows out a shaky breath, and she wonders if this was how he felt when he told her that they’d had a girl when he handed her Lily for the first time, “We’re having a girl.”

He gasps, the sound catching on his ribs as his eyes go wide, “We’re having a girl?”

She nods, sniffing as tears spill down onto her cheeks, “Yeah. We’re having another little girl.”

He drags her into a hug, his arms tight around her as he kisses her wherever he can reach. His lips catch her temple, then her forehead, then her nose. Drawing a laugh out of her with his relentless love for her.

“I love you so much, sweetheart,” he says, his words muffled against her lips, and she captures his chin as she laughs, kissing him softly before she pulls back.

“I love you too,” she replies, kissing him again, “So much.”

He rests his forehead against hers, “Do you want to tell anyone else?”

She’d thought about it ever since she’d found out and she shakes her head, “We so rarely have anything just for the two of us. It would be nice to have this be something just is just for us until she gets here.”

He nods and kisses her again before he wraps his arms around her, holding her close and burying his nose in her hair, “Whatever you want, sweetheart,” he kisses her forehead, “Whatever you want.”

#hotchniss fanfic #aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner x emily prentiss #emily prentiss #emily prentiss fanfiction #aaron x emily #hotchniss fan fic #hotchniss fanfiction #hotchniss #aaron hotchner fanfiction

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us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2 · 3 months ago

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To be brutally honest I do not subscribe to any of this doomerism

fuck it all, hey if I was actually super worried about the future I would be dead by now.

doomerism is the life killer and the joy sapper, the one and only bane of all of us, the broken glass in my foot the hardened splinters in my heart.

fuck doom, since when was it ever productive.

I keep saying it and I believe it, doom doesn’t fucking help anyone.

all you are saying is it’s too late and we should concede and die, which is so so bad.

this is what I heard my entire stupid life, MY WHOLE LIFE.

From the moment I was born to the moment I was conscious.

imagine that, imagine knowing that there’s no worth in being alive?

AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT THEY WERE WRONG ALL OF THEM.

STOP BEING DOOMERS, THE END NEVER FUCKING COMES.

how many fucking cold wars, and genocides and natural disasters have we had? SO MANY

and well… we are all here! We are all still here, shit sucks shit sucks so so much but it’s not fucked for life or something.

That’s the part we LITERALLY CAN CHANGE, you do not have to suffer through discrimination, you do not have to suffer through the horrors of living you don’t and one day it’ll be better.

it always will be, so so much has happened in the last 30 years we just don’t give it credit.

I like to hope, yeah maybe it’s foolish and a dumb dreamers idea, but i hope.

like actually screw it, sometimes the doomerism is just full on propaganda to stop you doing things to help people.

and like fuck it, I’m so sick and tired of it all.

YOU CAN BRING SO MUCH GOODNESS TO THIS WORLD

you just haven’t figured it out yet, like it’s annoying and stressful and hard and makes you wanna die but you can change a lot of things for the better.

it’s not like you can’t, big things are hard but small things can happen.

expose the mental hospital you went to as abusive, do a investigation on medical conditions in nursing homes, help people who are victims of medical malpractice and neglect, expose the police for corruption.

guys these aren’t intangible things or anything it’s like a group of 20 and some good video editors, you yourself can do investigative journalism and help people.

it’s not like you can’t.

like idk, I think a lot of people have this “we must die in a revolution” “the only way forward is through violence” like when most social issues can literally be solved with investigative journalism.

become a YouTuber, and report on this shit.

I’m not even joking anymore if you’ve been through that shit your allow to talk about it, if the police incarcerated you for a crime you didn’t commit if you went through severe abuses at mental hospitals, all these things.

Your allowed to talk about these things, NDA’s don’t cover illegal actions if you saw an illegal action or something you can (please talk with a lawyer before you do this laws are different everywhere) talk about it.

like journalism was supposed to be about things like this, now it’s in the hands of the people to actually do something about it.

and you are all not useless, never was. So?

why be doomers? There is so many ways to try and make changes so..

why not have ago?

#-pop #activism stuff #anarchism stuff #anticapitalism stuff #Hopepunk #reminders #GO FUCKING MAKE A GROUP AND DO INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM #ITS LITERALLY FINE BECOME THE PRESS #YOUTUBER TIME

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dancedance-resolution · 4 months ago

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opinions welcome, though this is mostly for me to talk out my feelings since my friend is overseas and can’t call. warning, ns fw

so i’m seeing this person A. we haven’t fucked yet (but will be able to starting monday when their kid brother they live w goes back to school) but the sexting has been incredible, it honestly feels like they were lab made to match all of my desires kink-wise. this is my first time seeing someone who matches my sexual wants so perfectly like that.

today they told me they have realized that they are only interested in me + sex w me if this is something romantic/committed. our interactions and their feelings during/after sexting have sort of confirmed they are demi. some text excerpts:

ddr: so does that mean you want to have this turn into something romantic/committed? slash need that to fully be able to engage with it?

A: definitely the last bit

then a bit later:

A: and if you do want to step back, i think now would be the time because i’m not to the point where i’m so attached that it would really hurt

so now i’m wondering. 1. am i capable of engaging in a romantic relationship with them? and 2. do i want to?

i want to address question 2 first.

pros:

match sexually

autistic

medium:

we don’t have a ton in common but also i never have a ton in common w ppl i date? or even my friends, my closest friends we usually only have 1 thing in common that forms the base of our relationship….the things we have in common is autism, dyke, very similar living/career/school situations. we don’t have any fixations/interests in common, but i don’t with quite a few of my friends tbh bc they’re always changing for all of us.

they’re attractive. in medium not pro bc i didn’t have the same “oh i need to fuck them immediately” level of attraction like i did w jill, but yeah

cons:

still undecided if i enjoy spending time w them in person. they are less than a year younger than me, but this is my first time in a relationship where i feel like the other person is noticeably younger than me. usually im the “young” one in the relationship since i live w my parents, work only part time but am not in school full time, and have the energy of a younger person generally. and i don’t know how i feel about that.

if i keep things going w them, i risk hurting them like i hurt sam, and i don’t want to do that esp since i know what they need and id be choosing to keep things going w them even though im not sure i can be what they need

okay now question 1. am i capable.

honestly i haven’t had a romantic relationship since jill. everything felt so perfect w her, the sex was incredible, i loved her personality, she was kind, i loved her family, i felt like i fit in her life perfectly, and i saw a future w her. am i mentally holding back bc im waiting to achieve jill levels of perfection before allowing myself to enter another romantic situation? and if so, does that mean im still caught up on her over a year later or does it mean im holding an unrealistic standard in my brain that i wont feel love unless it looks + progresses exactly the same as it did w her?

wait new question 3. do i want a romantic relationship at all? like not even specific to them

my immediate reaction is yes, but not yet. in some distant future i want to settle down and have a wife, but i feel so young to be doing that yet. why waste my 20s on something committed when i can instead spend that time exploring and learning what i want? like with A, i’ve learned that i enjoy certain kink elements beyond just internal fantasy. what else is there out there for me to learn that i would miss if i dated for commitment rn?

here’s what i know:

i like sex

i want to have it

i want to have different experiences with it, discover new things

i know what i like, but i also feel like there is so much more for me to learn and so much more possibility -> and i don’t know if i can limit all of that learning and exploration to just one other person

hmm question 4. what about polyamory?

if A is cool w me not being sexually monogamous while in a romantic relationship w them, would that make dating them more feasible?

well am i capable of non monogamy. i only have so much time in my current life situation, and meeting new ppl, esp new poly ppl, takes time and effort. i see myself never actually pursuing others, getting bored w A like i did with sam, and then breaking up w them and leaving them hurt.

maybe i should talk to my coworker taylor about this. she said i was ruthless (but in a complimentary way she said) when i told her i broke up w sam bc i was bored.

hmm sub question. will i get bored with A.

i certainly do not see myself w them romantically long term, as in wife material. this goes back to being unsure if i enjoy spending time w them in person, but i don’t see us as compatible enough to be fucking wife material. i don’t want to enter a relationship with a pre set expiration date on it right, but wait fuck actually

what if we entered this with an expiration date. like what if i proposed to them that we trial run a romantic relationship with an expiration date of ,say, midterms or the election. at the end i will say whether i have discovered myself capable of a romantic rs w them. however this also runs the risk of hurting them since that’s more time for them to bond w me, and also a lot of time for them to be mentally unsure if im meeting their level of romantic commitment yk?

okay but here’s the bottom line. i am only even considering a romantic rs w them bc i am interested in sex w them. so in a sense i would be disrespecting the boundary they set and just using them for sex. like is that an accurate picture of what’s going on here?

lol the obv answer is just end things w them. choosing to continue would be selfish, though one could argue if i commit to fully fully TRYING to be romantically committed to them during the trial run (and ofc am transparent w them about it) then it is not selfish bc im not using them for sex while disregarding their desire, i’m using them for sex while also trying my best to meet the boundary they set that they need it to be romantic?

hmm okay so these are my thoughts for now. opinions welcome, esp if you think i’m being an asshole here PLEASE tell me if i am bc i fear i am. i have not been on the other side of this type of situation before.

i will probably reblog w some more thoughts later.

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youremyheaven · 6 months ago

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Do you think it’s possible for a solar man to be loyal? My ex turned boyfriend and I are going long distance and it’s not that I don’t trust him but like…gulp. He’s a Krittika sun and his atmakaraka is in Mrigashira he’s also a revati rising😶. He said he’s committed but we can’t see each other for three years😭 he was a senior when I met him as a freshman(in college) and now I’m entering sophomore year and he’s graduated. Apparently when I graduate, moving in together and marriage is what he wants. I’m just scared tho😞 like he’s super blunt and honest sometimes to a fault so if he did anything he’d tell me?? Idk 😭

i think anybody regardless of their naks can be a good, honourable person who is loyal, faithful etc. what naks show us and what their purpose is, is to reveal the innate tendencies of a person. anybody can attain self-mastery and rise above their nature though. (yk the whole enlightenment business hehe)

that saiiiiidd,

i dont think a combination of krittika + mrigashira + revati sounds like husband material stuff to me. thats my honest opinion.

idk what your placements are and how ya'lls synastry looks like but you clearly already have your doubts, which is why you're telling me about it 👀

this isn't only tied to astrology but as a psychic-intuitive person, im getting bad vibes from this man. 🫢🫢

you can make any decision you'd like to and its up to you. im not trying to fearmonger or falsely accuse a man i dont know of anything.

BUT

as a grown woman, i'll tell you that seniors who hit on freshmen and get into relationships with them are more often than not, predators. he was in that uni for a good 4-5 years and yet he was single in his final year and the only suitable woman was a girl right out of highschool???

if you're in your 20s you would know how hard we find it to connect to someone in their teens. a 21-22yr old is entering the work force/studying further etc and is an actual adult with real responsibilities whose life looks vastly different from an 18yr old fresh out of highschool. this is not a relationship of "equals". there is a power dynamic here (and with that krittika + mrigashira + revati 💀💀💀the power is most definitely in his hands)

i say this as someone who has male friends who have done the same thing and dated freshmen. they've all talked about how "innocent" the girls are and how "naive and cute" they are 🤢🤢🤢🤮 i would never let my daughters around these men. so that should tell you something.

idk how many relationships you've had but trust me, the guy you meet in your first year of university is not The One

another thing that reallyyyy bothers me is how, he expects you to wait for him for 3 years. it SCREAMS revati + krittika/solar influence. he's had a whole college experience and is now graduated and onto other things but he wants you to remain committed to him until you graduate college even though he knows there's no way you can see each other for THREE YEARS???

my june talking stage (Venusian man) was Revati Sun & Venus and him & i used to run in the same circles in school etc and reconnected after nearly a decade. after days of flirting, proposing marriage, him wanting me to have his babies etc he "accidentally" revealed that he's planning on migrating abroad in the next several months 💀💀💀 and i asked him why tf would u then plan ur entire life with me and he said "bc it would be nice to have a plan ready when we meet again in the future" 💀💀💀bro was basically trying to make me hopeful for a life with him, give him my time and energy and stay waiting for the day that may or may not come lmao

its different when a guy who is already your boyfriend promises these things (marriage, moving in etc) but you're 19 baby, you have your whole life ahead of you. do you really believe that this man is the love of your life? do you think you can put up with him every day until the day you die?

at 19, love and romance will feel very do or die and intense af,, you think this is your only shot at true love but that's not true. there is SOOO much wonderful stuff waiting for you in your future and you shouldn't throw it all to the side for a Solar/Martian/Mercurial man 🤢🤢🤢

life changes so dramatically after u graduate college, u have no idea!!! u will become an entirely different human being. you're still a kid right now and you should be focusing on yourself, having fun and doing well in college. men come and go but this degree can change your life!!!

as someone who has been in long distance relationships, lemme tell u that it takes A LOT of time and energy. and at 19, i think that time and energy will be better spent elsewhere. i also generally dont think long distance relationships work except in veryyyy rare cases.

your man loves the idea of you saving yourself for him, waiting for him, needing him, belonging to him. he loves to gives you ideas, fill you up with images of a future together because he relishes having that power over you. this is literally what Solar men are like. sprinkle some Mercurial manipulation on top of it. Martian men can be reallyyy violent and abusive (if imbalanced). he's already harsh with his words as you say, do you really want to stick around and find out what else might happen???

again, not trying to fear monger but i dont get good vibes from this guy

plenty of girls i knew in my first year of college started dating seniors and entered into the most destructive and life changing relationships.

none of them are still together. and this is coming from an indian pov where people still used to date to marry.

all im saying is, this looks bad from many different angles and i dont want you to ruin your college experience caught up with some guy who isn't even there. your friends will be out there making memories of a lifetime, acing their classes and you'll be arguing with him on face time and crying yourself to sleep

ik that sounds dramatic but im trying to be realistic here

cut this man out babe , you can do so much better<3333

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evansbby · 1 year ago

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I was there too with my older brothers and cousins, it warmed my heart seeing so many people in support of Palestine. I also saw a lot of Jews there and I think people forget that there’s a difference between a zionist and a Jew. As a Palestinian muslim woman myself I spoke to a few of them and they explained that they do not support the actions of Israel and that it’s against their religion. When I was younger I was always mad at the ‘jews’ for taking over my country and that I got called a terrorist and they didn’t when they clearly killed many innocent lives. I also tried to talk to Israeli people but when I told them everything Israel did to Palestine and how it was wrong they would call me antisemitic and get mad. I was like 16/17 when I finally realized that I should leave the faith of Palestine in Allahs hands and not get kind of mad when people tell me they’re jewish, because I always thought that automatically meant that they were zionists😭 I always felt this survivors guilt, I was born in Palestine but my parents moved us to London when I was 2, but I still have some family there and it’s awful for them. Like why do I get to live in a safe environment when they can’t? I’m 20 years old now and my cousin had it way harder growing up than I did, thankfully she also made it out, but I just feel bad when she talks about her childhood knowing that I didn’t have to worry if there would be Israeli soldiers outside on my streets. I’ve seen pictures of our neighborhood before it got destroyed and it was so beautiful, my grandma would tell me stories about how she and my grandpa would walk to the markets and now it’s all gone. Alhamdulillah they’re safe now.

I’m honestly so happy to see many people support Palestine, thank you to all who protested and constantly donate to help the people in Gaza🇵🇸🩷

Also so real for that Rishi Sunak comment because who told him to open his mouth😭😭😭 Every time I see him I get so mad omg💀

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me 🥺🙏🏼🇵🇸

Sooo many people from different religions are conditioned to hate other religions. I know so many people who were raised to hate Muslims, who were raised to hate Jewish people etc etc. It’s just up to us, as we grow up, to combat these views and stereotypes, speak to more people, understand situations and see that there is good and bad in every religion.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, with Palestine being your homeland and yet you moved away so you are safe from the war and yet your people are suffering so much 🥺🥺🥺 It’s heartbreaking and I can’t even imagine, the fact you have family there as well, going through such atrocities.

I just watched a video on tiktok of a man from Palestine who said that a dog in Europe lives a better life than a Palestinian human being in Palestine. Because at his camp, they are waiting for water. A dog on Europe has access to water and the Palestinians do not because Israel cut access bc of course “they have the right to defend themselves!1!1” How a nuclear state cutting water and electricity access from innocent people is helping Israel defend itself, I won’t understand lmfao.

Honestly, this is at the end of the day not a war based on religion at all. No one cares what religion the Zionist alt right government of Israel are… we only care about the 28282992 war crimes they are committing as we speak.

But it’s still great to see Jewish people supporting the Palestinian cause—and the fact there is so many of them! ALSO a lot of Israeli people supporting Palestine shows that there is hope.

I hate Rishi Sunak. This man went to Israel and said “I hope you win” and “the uk stands with Israel” meanwhile there are protests pro Palestine protests here every other day.

#anon

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many-gay-magpies · 2 months ago

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20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @babyseraphim! Thank you lovely, yk i love this kind of thing <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

17!

2. What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

94,685

3. What fandoms do you write for?

These days it’s pretty much all Dead Boy Detectives, but before this I was writing a lot of Teen Wolf stuff. I’ve also written some BBC Merlin fics, some for the Sandman (although those were both BBC Merlin crossovers), and one The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance fic!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Circular Entrapment - BBC Merlin/Sandman crossover

A Dream of Avalon - also BBCM/Sandman crossover

The Curious Tongue - DBD

Where Primroses Bloom - DBD

To a Grave Dug for Fear - DBD

5. Do you respond to comments?

As often as I can, yes! I absolutely love responding to comments and do my best to respond to every one I get, but I think some of my older fics (mostly the Sandman/Merlin crossover ones that got pretty good traction) might have comments I’ve forgotten about.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I think it would have to be that short little Teen Wolf Scisaac goodbye fic I wrote, Nothing Wrong With a Little Space (But not Right now). That one ends (and is overall) decently angsty, but I’m allergic to solid angst so it’s still somewhat open/hopeful.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Where Primroses Bloom lmao; that is, like, THE sappiest shit I’ve ever written, the ending included. Like I said I’m allergic to solid angst so most of my fics have happy endings, but that one is definitely the most tooth-rotting level of fluff I’ve yet committed.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not as of yet; like Nimm I’m guessing I haven’t been writing for long enough/haven’t written ENOUGH yet to get a big enough audience to attract hate. I am okay with this

9. Do you write smut?

Once upon a time I would have said a solid no but I have been dabbling lately! Idk how much I’m gonna do, and I don’t think I’ll ever consider myself a smut WRITER, but it has been quite fun :>

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes! Not any recently, but my first (and only) two fics for the Sandman were both crossover with BBC Merlin, and I have, like, an insane amount of crossovers with Merlin and other fandoms just rotting in Scrivener lmao. Doctor Who crossovers, a Tales of Arcadia crossover, more Sandman crossovers, Good Omens crossovers, Dead Boy Detectives crossovers (though those are barely written), the concept for a Teen Wolf crossover… I love to but that twink wizard in situations

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Triple nope—although I might be, maybe, at some point, soon-ish, if my and the other writer’s motivation for the fic ever returns from the war TT (mostly mine unfortunately). It’s definitely something I think could be fun!!

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Right now Payneland has consumed me mind body and soul, and they seem the type to stick for years to come, even if my overall DBD interest eventually fades. Merlin and Arthur are my eternal beloveds, however, and I will never NOT be a Merthur lover at heart. Even when my BBC Merlin interest is at a low (like it is right now), Merthur remains in my heart.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

SO MANY MERLIN WIPS DEAR GOD. As I mentioned before I haven’t had my Merlin interest surge in a while, so there are, like, five different half-written crossovers where I just yeet that wizard at other fandoms, and a lot of them are REALLY REALLY GOOD, but like. I can’t fully commit to them without reawakened interest in the fandoms involved, so. For now they shall be left to rot in my fanfiction doc. Also that one fucking 24k Merlin fic I fully wrote, like to completion, and want to rewrite now that my writing is better and I have the ideas more fleshed out, but haven’t yet due to lack of interest/motivation.

I do have a bit of hope though that one day my Merlin interest will return from the war, so in the interest of sharing some WIPs with less hope: the Triptych series for Teen Wolf. I have a fourth part of that in progress, and I think it has like 11k of it or some insane number written, and I want to finish it SO BAD because my girl Allison deserves some time to shine, plus that is the first and only time I have committed to a serial project in a fandom, believing I would follow through, but I. Very much have not. Triptych readers if any of you still follow me I am sorry, the Teen Wolf interest did not last as long as I hoped it would—but at the very least, the way the series is formatted makes it so the ending now is still a nice, solid, if slightly open ending, so if you didn’t know there’d been a fourth part planned you probably wouldn’t assume anything was missing.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like I’m generally good with prose, dialogue, and emotional and atmospheric description! Which is like. Quite a bit actually. But I feel like I’m generally a pretty good writer, and I enjoy all the different processes a lot! I’ve gotten a lot of compliments in comments on my fics about how I get the characters’ voices and vibes down really accurately, which is EVERYTHING to me because that feels like one of the most challenging parts of fic—actually making the characters read LIKE THE CHARACTERS. So, that is a point of pride for sure kjshdkfjhksjh

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Run-on sentences. I am so, SO guilty of abusing the em dash (—) and semicolon (;) to hell and back, my goodness. Half my editing process is going through and shortening sentences, reordering clauses, etc etc. I also feel like I could definitely improve in the actual plot-driven area, at least when it comes to fic—pretty much all my fics are emotion and character-focused oneshots, which isn’t a bad thing and certainly has its place in fandom, but I so enormously admire the fic writers who think up whole plots for the characters and put them into so many situations… granted I did do that with Circular Entrapment, and I’m in the process of doing it with my (finally-named!) post-canon casefic, but I want to do it MORE. Also, committing!! I pretty much only post oneshots because I’m terrible at committing to longer-form stuff!! A big part of it is that I can’t exactly control the whims of my brains and its interests, but god just for ONCE I would like to commit to and actually FOLLOW THROUGH WITH a longer-form project, like a serial or a multichapter.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I mean, I’m not sure what exactly this is asking. I have one unposted ficlet where I use my very intermediate French knowledge to write Isaac Lahey speaking very rudimentary French, so I think it’s fun? I think generally if I ever used another language for dialogue I’d put a translation in the end notes, and like. I don’t see myself doing it that often? It can be fun to read though.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

If we’re talking first fandom I wrote fic for ever, in my life, that would have to be either My Little Pony or How To Train Your Dragon. If we’re talking first fandom I ever wrote fic and POSTED the fic for, that would be Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance.

20. Favorite fics you’ve written?

Aughhhhh. I think at the moment I’m super proud of The Curious Tongue, because it was just so much fun to write and I’m super proud of the results! It was my first foray into posting slightly more nsfw writing, which was a bit nerve-wracking, but I really just adore the character dynamics and emotional vulnerability in it. Exploring the same events from two separate POVs and seeing how DIFFERENT they were was so fun, and the great reception it’s received has been a big plus!

I’m also really proud of To a Grave Dug for Fear, because I really love the ideas, intrapersonal conflict, and emotional/character dynamics explored in it, and I feel like I did a good job for it being my first fic for the DBD fandom! But on a non-DBD note, Circular Entrapment. It’s still just such an entertaining concept and execution to me, and seeing how those two incredibly different characters meshed together was so much FUN.

For this I will zero-pressure tag my usual writer mutual tag, @blusandbirds, and also @edwinspaynes, @wordsinhaled, @shadowquill17, and any other writers who see this and want to participate! As usual, if you are tagged and DON’T want to, just consider it a notification that I’m thinking of you :3

#tag games #what this teaches us is that i love yapping #magpie’s writing adventures

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barzzal · 10 months ago

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Be warned this is gonna be long i apologize in advance, but this is all just me giving a massive kudos to you and your work. I’m so happy to see this updated thank you for your hard work and talented writing.

*inhales*

*exhales*

After reading interlude ii for CMC and as usual I loved it to bits but also I AM SUDDENLY CONFLICTED? With BOTH SIDES????? The whole time I was like “Yeah Sidney take the fucking L” but now that we have the full detailed story of how it led up to that moment, suddenly the situation is so much more complicated. HE ACTUALLY WAS READY AT THE LAST MOMENT OH GOD HE WAS GOING TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO HER AND THE BABY HE WAS READY TO BE A PARTNER AND DAD-

And now my head is in my hands as I think: ‘Oh my god. Reader didn’t give him a chance to be a dad to Lucas for NEARLY SEVEN YEARS (even though she was justifiably pissed at him) AND HE THOUGHT HIS BABY WAS GONE’

And, please hear me out. The pregnancy and the actual birth of the baby are two different parts of the process. It’s different for everyone, but sometimes it takes a few weeks or months for the parents to feel a connection with their baby once they’re born; It’s actually quite common among parents. Same goes for the pregnancy term. It’s fucking scary, raising a child; You’re not just living your life for yourself, you’re living your life for the best interest of your child. And while there’s absolutely no excuse for Sid and his emotional distance/neglect (believe me when I say I still want to sock him in the face for his initial reaction), it does bring perspective at to why he reacted that way. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he was scared that his commitment to his career would end up hurting his kid, not being able to be there for them. Of course, dumbass man sucked at communicating that to Reader properly huh

But he did come back. He did return. He was ready to begin repenting. Lucas wasn’t even born yet and he was ready to do right by him and Reader both.

Suddenly I am now in full panic mode because once Lucas gets older enough to question why did his mom keep him away from his dad if both parents loved and wanted him from the start. And I know reader said in previous chapters that everything she did was for her son and his happiness and safety which is an absolute HELL YES THAT’S WHAT BEING A PARENT IS ABOUT, but did she ever consider the possibility that keeping them both hidden away from Sid would potentially hurt all of them more than it would help? Lucas never got to meet the other side of the family; Troy and Trina never got to be grandparents, Taylor never got to be an aunt. They weren’t able to see Lucas grow up, and I just know they would’ve loved him the moment they were told of his existence.

Am I allowed to feel angry at both Sid and Reader? I am so sorry I… just love this story so much, I’ve never felt so many emotions reading before. Please correct me if I’m wrong in any way.

first of all, ily oh gosh. i never expect a comment this long from anyone but omg thank you!! i appreciate you taking the time to lmk which part/s u like/impacted u most 🥺 not lying when i say i was smiling as i read it entirely it’s truly fulfilling to come across a reader as passionate as u so endless thanks my dear 🫶🏻

second, ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID! i honestly can’t wait for them to be happy why can’t they just sit together and talk things out it’s not that hard 😭 had enough of little lukey having to bear poor adult choices!!

to clarify tho, since i’ve been mia on here and on the updates, the series was supposed to be done in 2022 😫 so our timeline for cmc would be that it’s still 2021 going 2022 (refer to teaser #3).

for everyone to be on the same page, allow me to recapitulate:

april 2015

refer to teaser #1

sidney is 27 yrs. turning 28 yrs. in aug

reader is 26 yrs.

first month of summer, 2015

june: reader finds out she’s pregnant

july: miscarriage scare; sid and reader break up before kris’ wedding

post breakup, 2015-2016

sidney wins the cup, oct 2015 to june 2016

post breakup, 2016

january: luke is born on 6th of january (kind of like his dad’s bday 8.7.87 = 1.6.16)

post breakup, 2016-2017

sidney wins another cup, oct 2016 to april 2017

post breakup, 2019

reader moves back to pittsburgh; hides sid’s son

post break up, 2021 [we’ll go back to this timeline on ch. 6]

sidney is 33 yrs. going 34 yrs. (refer to teaser #2)

reader is 31 going 32

luke is 5 yrs. a few months older than geno’s son, nikita

minimum age requirement for sid’s little penguins hockey is 5 yrs.

luke enters hockey program, meets sidney; sidney meets luke and reader

timeline for ch. 6 until stated otherwise

ANYWAY, i’m so excited we’re now on the second half of the series!!! ✨and the plot thickens✨

#lmk if u guys have suggestions and whatnot!#keep the cmc talk coming 🤍🤍🤍#cmc

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0rgell · 5 months ago

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HIM - JongTae - Chapter 1 - I’m Broken, Alone and Afraid: Part One

General Masterlist

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

AO3 link

Chapter 2 (coming soon)

---

Chapter 1 - I’m Broken, Alone and Afraid: Part One

chapter word count: 1.8k words

Taemin starts off his prayer with: “Holy Father, we need to talk.” He squirms, shifting on his knees, uncomfortable with the confessions he’s about to make. “I’ve been keeping a secret, a deep sin inside of me, and I can’t contain it anymore. I’m not the creation you wanted. I have sinned and strayed away from the original path you made for me. Please don’t get angry. Continue having faith in me.”

His eyes peep open to see his little shrine in front of him. He accumulated possessions over the years of travelling around the world and touring with SHINee. Mother Mary’s eyes are staring directly into his. He lets out a shaky breath and reaches towards his rosary beads, clutching them against his chest, hoping that some Divine power will reach him. It doesn’t. He’s still as shaken as before and he’s still got to confess.

The beads shake in his clammy hands as he continues.

“The Divine Virgin, Mother Mary, I'm holding you close to my heart. I’m devoted to you, the Holy Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Please guide me. Please forgive me.” He feels his eyes tear up unforgivingly and he feels as if he doesn’t have the right to cry; he’s chosen this sin. God shouldn’t see him cry. It looks like he’s asking for pity. Maybe he is.

“I have fallen in love with a man, he is kind and gentle. He’s talented and uses such pretty words. I can feel your eyes on me, staring when we are together, when we hold hands or hug. How can I make you understand?”

Leviticus 20:13 wraps around Taemin’s head as if it’s a sharp warning from God himself. Reminding him to go no further than he already has. "If a man practises homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offence." It’s all so surreal. Taemin gulps at the harsh words as if they’re guillotine hanging over his head. Yet, he knows that without Jonghyun, he will never love another. His heart will never belong to anyone else, leaving nothing even for the God he has worshipped since childhood.

Jonghyun isn’t a religious man, but Taemin can’t imagine him going anywhere else but heaven. Jonghyun is a pure man who is naive to the power of God and God will not punish him for that.

Taemin, on the other hand, knows about God’s power and how graceful and forgiving he is with it. He will not be spared punishment for he is choosing sin. “I am sorry, I am a sinner but I don’t think I can give up loving him. When he is with me, I feel such a strong connection… It would be like ripping myself in two to part with him.”

The air is thick with the weight of Taemin's internal struggle as he sits in the small, dimly lit room. The flickering candlelight casts shadows that dance on the walls, mirroring the turmoil within him. He clasps his hands together tightly, his knuckles white, leaving indents on his palms from the rosary beads, as he whispers a prayer.

"God, I need your guidance," Taemin pleads, his voice barely audible. "I don’t want to betray you, but my heart is not my own. It is him that I love."

He recalls the first time he met Jonghyun, the way their eyes locked and an unspoken understanding had passed between them. It was as if their souls recognised each other. Jonghyun’s smile, so genuine, so warm, that Taemin felt an immediate pull towards him—an irresistible force.

Their relationship had grown in secret, with each stolen moment a precious memory built into Taemin’s heart that eventually grew into a beautiful kingdom. They shared dreams, fears, and promises whispered in the quiet of the night in their shared room in the dorm. Jonghyun was his confidant, his anchor in a world that felt increasingly hostile.

One evening, as they lay together under the roof of the dorm, Jonghyun turned to him with a look of sincerity. "Taemin, I know what we have is difficult, but it’s also beautiful. I believe that love, in any form, is a gift. How can something that feels so right be wrong?"

Taemin had no answer—only the overwhelming love he felt for Jonghyun and the crushing guilt that accompanied it. Now, in the solitude of his own ‘chapel', those words echo in his mind.

He glances at the Bible before him, its pages worn from years of use. The passage from Leviticus feels like a wound that won’t heal, but there are other passages too, ones that speak of love, mercy, and forgiveness.

"Is my love a sin, or is it a test of faith?" Taemin wonders aloud, his voice breaking. "Can I be true to myself and still be a good follower of God?"

God doesn’t reply and more tears well in Taemin’s eyes as he nods, feeling shunned and shut out. He understands why God isn’t talking to him. Taemin insists on sinning and he wants God to forgive him for being a defiant sinner. He wants to be forgiven without repentance.

It’s a sin within a sin. A sin is a sin.

He gets off of his knees and blows out the candle before opening the door, walking out to his kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. He and Jonghyun still aren’t in a committed relationship and it’s all Taemin’s doing. Jonghyun is waiting for him and Taemin is trying to make an unreachable deal with God.

Taemin would love more than anything to be with Jonghyun, but he’s always left feeling guilty.

After they kiss, Taemin gets the urge to pray, and it wouldn’t be fair to Jonghyun for him to see that. It would make him feel dirty; it would make him feel like Taemin thinks he is dirty. Taemin thinks about Jonghyun’s face when he gets denied. He can see the hurt he’s causing and sometimes, he wishes they never met all together.

It’s a selfish wish, and Taemin can’t even remember what his life was like before he met Jonghyun because he’s always just been there next to Taemin, being ever so attentive and always smiling, reminding Taemin of what love is.

He downs his water like a desert man starved of water and slams it down on the kitchen counter, frustrated with his life and sick and tired of everything. His past week has been a week of pure torment. It’s been slow and painful. He’s been blocking everyone out while trying to figure himself out and figure out how he let it get far. However, every moment he’s locking himself away from Jonghyun, the more he craves him, the more his heart bleeds. He misses Jonghyun and what he is doing is also hurting Jonghyun.

The messages on his phone have complied and the calls only stopped once he turned it off three days ago, he even changed the password to his door. He ignores the doorbell on several occasions and just like them tonight, it rings again.

And again.

Taemin glances at the intercom, finding a dishevelled Jonghyun. He looks terrible—his hair is stuffed under a cap, dark circles are pronounced beneath bloodshot eyes. His once glowing, tanned skin has paled significantly, making him look like a ghost of his former self. Taemin probably appears just as bad, if not worse, though he wouldn’t know: he hasn’t dared to face his reflection, afraid of encountering a monster.

Taemin reluctantly presses the speaker button on the intercom, his hand trembling slightly. He can hear Jonghyun’s footsteps pacing in front of his door, now echoing through the hallway into his intercom. Jonghyun notices the green light blinking and stands there in silence. Taemin doesn’t dare make a sound either. He stares at the screen, taking in Jonghyun’s distressed state and it looks as if Jonghyun is trying to see Taemin as well. It’s impossible, though.

Jonghyun finally breaks the silence, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper. “Taemin, please, we need to talk.”

Taemin lets Jonghyun be shrouded in his silence. He knows they should be; he just can’t at the moment. The atmosphere around both of them noticeably darkens, Jonghyun realising that Taemin still won’t talk to him, and Taemin because he’s surrounded by self-loathing.

Jonghyun’s eyes speak a thousand words even through the graining intercom screen; the weight of unspoken words presses down on them both. Jonghyun doesn’t know where to begin and Taemin can’t begin, both haunted by their own demons.

Jonghyun looks away for a split second, and looks up, his eyes filled with a mixture of desperation and resolve. “We can’t keep going like this. Taemin, something has to change. Please.”

Taemin exhales shakily, knowing Jonghyun is right but unsure if he has the strength to make it happen. I know. But what do I do? Taemin can’t bear looking at him anymore. His heart aches so much that the pain is crippling. He lets his body fall, sliding down the wall until his shirt scrunches up helplessly at the back and he can feel the cold wall on his back. He pulls his knees to his chest, hoping that it will offer some protection from the hurt he’s causing. He pulls his knees so tight, hoping it will relieve the pain he feels in his chest. He can’t breathe. Tears fall yet no sound can come out, his chest crushed by his own knees. Jonghyun’s pleas hang in the air, heavy with uncertainty, patiently waiting for Taemin to answer. They grapple with the darkness that has taken hold of their lives, unable to untie it from themselves.

“Taemin-ah. Please.” Jonghyun begs.

“I love you, Taeminie. Let’s just talk.” He begs and cries and yet Taemin still won’t open the door. Jonghyun’s resolve ends after an hour of trying to bargain with Taemin. He eventually leaves with his head hanging and tears descending like a waterfall.

For hours, Taemin remains there, tears falling onto the cold stone floor of his apartment. As the sun sets, a sense of desolation settles in his soul. He realises that the forgiveness he’s seeking might never come. His love for Jonghyun, pure and unwavering, is a beacon of light in his life, but it also has cast a shadow over his faith.

That night, as he lies awake, tears keep streaming down his face, and a chilling weight settles over him. He has always believed in God’s infinite mercy, but what if it has limits? What if his love for Jonghyun is a transgression that cannot be pardoned or forgiven?

Tonight Taemin rests in his bed alone and when he finally gets to sleep, his dreams are full of sins.

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Chapter 2 (coming soon)

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