#but i can’t commit for like 20 years i’m not even 20 yet

[padfootagain]

Only an Almost (X)

Chapter 10: Too Sweet

Hello!! Here is another chapter! This one is very fluffy!! (Surprising, I know) Also, some heavy make-out… let me remind you that this is not written for minors!

We are already halfway-through this fic, as it will be 20-chapters long!

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

*************************************

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 1549

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

Fucking adorable, that was what you were…

As you looked at Andrew with a grin on your lips, expectant, excited, a tidal wave of affection washed over his heart. A warm, peaceful, affectionate feeling that made him giddy, created butterflies in his stomach, made his heart speed up and a dreamy smile form on his lips.

You were trying to get a peek inside his cupboard, to see his brand-new harvest of honey. He had promised you would get some to take home, and had prepared a little honeypot for you. He wasn’t sure why, but seeing you this excited for something as simple as this was turning his heart into a puddle.

“There you go, this one’s yours.”

He handed the small jar. It was nothing special. A plain glass jar filled with honey. You were grinning as you took it in your hands.

“Thank you!”

You rose to your tiptoes to drop a peck to his cheek, and he couldn’t help but blush as he hurried to close the cupboard.

“It’s nothing…”

“It’s your honey! Of course, it’s something! You’ve worked hard to make it.”

“To be fair, the bees are the ones doing all the work,” he dodged the compliment, scrubbing at his cheek in a nervous gesture, feeling his cheeks get warm.

“True,” you admitted in a giggle. “But even if that’s the case, you’re still doing more than I would.”

“Taking care of bees isn’t that hard, you could do it.”

“I don’t know… I’m a little scared at the idea of being surrounded by bees.”

“You’re wearing a suit, it’s alright. It’s perfectly safe. Besides, you’re not harming them, so they won’t harm you either. Perhaps one day, I could teach you. And you could make honey too!”

It would be our honey…

“Hmm… still… I’ll leave the making of the honey to you, and focus on the eating!”

You opened the jar, smelled the sweetness of the nectar inside. You hummed, closing your eyes.

“Smells so good.”

You dipped your finger inside, licked it clean. Andrew struggled to swallow, looking away, trying to control himself.

“It’s delicious! God, Andy! This is so good!”

But Andrew wasn’t looking at you. Instead, he was looking outside, at the rain falling on his garden, holding on the kitchen counter, trying to forget the thoughts that had come up in his mind, the sins he wanted to commit with you…

“You know what would be delicious? Some fruits! Some fruits with your honey would be delicious!”

You opened the cupboard, picked up a plate, and then you reached for the drawer and picked up a knife. Andrew washed an apple and handed it to you without a word. You had spent too much time in his house for this not to be natural. You in his kitchen, making snacks. In silence, he filled up a kettle, still unable to look at you but hiding it well.

You took some mugs from the cupboard above his sink, rising to your tiptoes to reach them. It made Andrew grow a tender smile.

And it was easy. Being there, doing something so insignificant and domestic in his house with you… like you belonged there. It was obvious, the way you moved in this space he called home, like it was yours more than his.

He could picture himself doing this every day with you. Letting you in the spaces that were most private to him, the ones that made him feel safe. You belonged there. You belonged in the warmth of a home he would call his…

“I’ll let you cut the apple, or else you will criticize what I’m doing. I’ll make tea instead,” you told him, a playful smile on your lips, bringing him back to earth.

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t deny that you were right. So, he picked up the knife and cut the apple into slices, the way his mother had taught him years ago, in another kitchen, in another safe place he called home.

You chose your favourite tea, there was always a stache of it in his home. Your favourite biscuits too. Your favourite ice-cream. Your favourite book. Your favourite movie. Your shampoo and soap had been added recently, now that you stayed for a shower. But pieces of you had always been here, you had always been here…

You put the pieces in a bowl, added a little bit of honey, just enough to make the fruit sticky and sinfully sweet. You gave a happy wiggle when you ate the first piece, not waiting for Andrew to give you a fork, and instead, picking it up with your fingers, making them sticky as well.

“Delicious!” you complimented him, making his heart jump.

This afternoon was lovely. It was raining hard outside, the sky a mournful shade of grey; but it was warm inside Andrew’s home, and you were happy and smiling, and joking around, and life was good for as long as you were in it…

Andrew didn’t think as he bent down, capturing your lips with his. He barely registered his movements when he wrapped his arms around you, holding you close, a hand sprayed across your spine, the other holding firmly your waist. You let out a surprised sigh, and then you blinked your eyes closed, hands coming up to cradle his face.

You tasted of apple and honey, sweetness at its finest. Too sweet to be real…

Your lips were sticky with the juice of the fruit and the sugar of the honey. Andrew didn’t care. He didn’t mind either when your fingers ran down his neck to open the buttons of his shirt. He could feel the sugar on them too.

You broke free from his embrace, leaving him dizzy with your taste and your warmth against his body. He blinked down at you.

“Sorry, my hands are all sticky. Hang on.”

You washed the honey away, and Andrew waited impatiently next to you, opening and closing his fists, trying not to reach out, not to scare you away.

You were so beautiful…

“Better,” you smiled, showing your clean hands, and he smiled back at you without noticing.

God, he loved you so fucking much, and he couldn’t say it. But then again, he saw how your gaze softened, how your expression grew peaceful with tenderness. And he caught himself dreaming that this could be love, that you could feel the same.

It was stupid, perhaps, it was him forgetting about the major obstacle that was his career, and your fear of living a lonely life because of him. Still, as he looked at you then, he let himself believe for a second that one day, he could finally speak the words that rested for now on the tip of his tongue.

Still, your touch was soft when you took his hand in yours.

“Andy?”

He hummed, raising an eyebrow to encourage you to speak.

“Can we go to your bedroom now?”

You added mischief to your smile, it made him dizzy; thoroughly addicted to the sight too.

He gently pulled on your hand so you would follow him. You didn’t steal kisses until you were both standing in front of his large bed. And then your lips were back on his, you were freeing his hair from the messy bun he had been sporting. His hand slipped under your t-shirt and your jumper, spreading his fingers over your bare skin. Warm. Soft. Making his entire body burn with desire.

When his lips moved to your neck, you let out a moan, and he reckoned that this ought to be the sound of heaven, the perfect melody he had been looking for all his life.

“Can I be on top?” you asked in a tone made shaky by his fingers pulling on your bra.

“Whatever you want, honey,” Andrew mumbled into your skin, before attaching his lips to yours again.

You didn’t correct him, let him have the pet name. Perhaps your mind was as blurry as his while you kissed passionately, while your fingers finished to unbutton his shirt. The blink of an eye, and somehow you were shirtless, skin exposed to the air and to Andrew’s angry lips while you stumbled to reach his bed.

He lost his shirt before you gently pushed him on the bed, and then you were lying on top of him, and Andrew had to pinch himself to remember that this was real, no matter how many times he had lived this scene before.

You hovered over him, just a breath away, looking at him like you were admiring him…

“You’re so handsome, Andy…” you let out in a whisper, like a confession. It made his body slightly tremble.

“You’re gorgeous, Y/N.”

You shook your head, and he caught himself thinking that this look in your eyes held more than infatuation or physical attraction. Something closer to adoration, the kind of gazes he aimed at you.

You blinked, eyes glimmering in the light made dim by the rain outside. Your voice was deeper when you spoke, almost hoarse, as if tightened with emotions.

“Andy… I lo…”

But you stopped, left him suspended to your words. You let out a shaky breath, and instead of speaking, merely kissed him again.

[us-the-voices-and-more-voices-2]

To be brutally honest I do not subscribe to any of this doomerism

fuck it all, hey if I was actually super worried about the future I would be dead by now.

doomerism is the life killer and the joy sapper, the one and only bane of all of us, the broken glass in my foot the hardened splinters in my heart.

fuck doom, since when was it ever productive.

I keep saying it and I believe it, doom doesn’t fucking help anyone.

all you are saying is it’s too late and we should concede and die, which is so so bad.

this is what I heard my entire stupid life, MY WHOLE LIFE.

From the moment I was born to the moment I was conscious.

imagine that, imagine knowing that there’s no worth in being alive?

AND GUESS FUCKING WHAT THEY WERE WRONG ALL OF THEM.

STOP BEING DOOMERS, THE END NEVER FUCKING COMES.

how many fucking cold wars, and genocides and natural disasters have we had? SO MANY

and well… we are all here! We are all still here, shit sucks shit sucks so so much but it’s not fucked for life or something.

That’s the part we LITERALLY CAN CHANGE, you do not have to suffer through discrimination, you do not have to suffer through the horrors of living you don’t and one day it’ll be better.

it always will be, so so much has happened in the last 30 years we just don’t give it credit.

I like to hope, yeah maybe it’s foolish and a dumb dreamers idea, but i hope.

like actually screw it, sometimes the doomerism is just full on propaganda to stop you doing things to help people.

and like fuck it, I’m so sick and tired of it all.

YOU CAN BRING SO MUCH GOODNESS TO THIS WORLD

you just haven’t figured it out yet, like it’s annoying and stressful and hard and makes you wanna die but you can change a lot of things for the better.

it’s not like you can’t, big things are hard but small things can happen.

expose the mental hospital you went to as abusive, do a investigation on medical conditions in nursing homes, help people who are victims of medical malpractice and neglect, expose the police for corruption.

guys these aren’t intangible things or anything it’s like a group of 20 and some good video editors, you yourself can do investigative journalism and help people.

it’s not like you can’t.

like idk, I think a lot of people have this “we must die in a revolution” “the only way forward is through violence” like when most social issues can literally be solved with investigative journalism.

become a YouTuber, and report on this shit.

I’m not even joking anymore if you’ve been through that shit your allow to talk about it, if the police incarcerated you for a crime you didn’t commit if you went through severe abuses at mental hospitals, all these things.

Your allowed to talk about these things, NDA’s don’t cover illegal actions if you saw an illegal action or something you can (please talk with a lawyer before you do this laws are different everywhere) talk about it.

like journalism was supposed to be about things like this, now it’s in the hands of the people to actually do something about it.

and you are all not useless, never was. So?

why be doomers? There is so many ways to try and make changes so..

why not have ago?

[dancedance-resolution]

opinions welcome, though this is mostly for me to talk out my feelings since my friend is overseas and can’t call. warning, ns fw

so i’m seeing this person A. we haven’t fucked yet (but will be able to starting monday when their kid brother they live w goes back to school) but the sexting has been incredible, it honestly feels like they were lab made to match all of my desires kink-wise. this is my first time seeing someone who matches my sexual wants so perfectly like that.

today they told me they have realized that they are only interested in me + sex w me if this is something romantic/committed. our interactions and their feelings during/after sexting have sort of confirmed they are demi. some text excerpts:

ddr: so does that mean you want to have this turn into something romantic/committed? slash need that to fully be able to engage with it?

A: definitely the last bit

then a bit later:

A: and if you do want to step back, i think now would be the time because i’m not to the point where i’m so attached that it would really hurt

so now i’m wondering. 1. am i capable of engaging in a romantic relationship with them? and 2. do i want to?

i want to address question 2 first.

pros:

match sexually

autistic

medium:

we don’t have a ton in common but also i never have a ton in common w ppl i date? or even my friends, my closest friends we usually only have 1 thing in common that forms the base of our relationship….the things we have in common is autism, dyke, very similar living/career/school situations. we don’t have any fixations/interests in common, but i don’t with quite a few of my friends tbh bc they’re always changing for all of us.

they’re attractive. in medium not pro bc i didn’t have the same “oh i need to fuck them immediately” level of attraction like i did w jill, but yeah

cons:

still undecided if i enjoy spending time w them in person. they are less than a year younger than me, but this is my first time in a relationship where i feel like the other person is noticeably younger than me. usually im the “young” one in the relationship since i live w my parents, work only part time but am not in school full time, and have the energy of a younger person generally. and i don’t know how i feel about that.

if i keep things going w them, i risk hurting them like i hurt sam, and i don’t want to do that esp since i know what they need and id be choosing to keep things going w them even though im not sure i can be what they need

okay now question 1. am i capable.

honestly i haven’t had a romantic relationship since jill. everything felt so perfect w her, the sex was incredible, i loved her personality, she was kind, i loved her family, i felt like i fit in her life perfectly, and i saw a future w her. am i mentally holding back bc im waiting to achieve jill levels of perfection before allowing myself to enter another romantic situation? and if so, does that mean im still caught up on her over a year later or does it mean im holding an unrealistic standard in my brain that i wont feel love unless it looks + progresses exactly the same as it did w her?

wait new question 3. do i want a romantic relationship at all? like not even specific to them

my immediate reaction is yes, but not yet. in some distant future i want to settle down and have a wife, but i feel so young to be doing that yet. why waste my 20s on something committed when i can instead spend that time exploring and learning what i want? like with A, i’ve learned that i enjoy certain kink elements beyond just internal fantasy. what else is there out there for me to learn that i would miss if i dated for commitment rn?

here’s what i know:

i like sex

i want to have it

i want to have different experiences with it, discover new things

i know what i like, but i also feel like there is so much more for me to learn and so much more possibility -> and i don’t know if i can limit all of that learning and exploration to just one other person

hmm question 4. what about polyamory?

if A is cool w me not being sexually monogamous while in a romantic relationship w them, would that make dating them more feasible?

well am i capable of non monogamy. i only have so much time in my current life situation, and meeting new ppl, esp new poly ppl, takes time and effort. i see myself never actually pursuing others, getting bored w A like i did with sam, and then breaking up w them and leaving them hurt.

maybe i should talk to my coworker taylor about this. she said i was ruthless (but in a complimentary way she said) when i told her i broke up w sam bc i was bored.

hmm sub question. will i get bored with A.

i certainly do not see myself w them romantically long term, as in wife material. this goes back to being unsure if i enjoy spending time w them in person, but i don’t see us as compatible enough to be fucking wife material. i don’t want to enter a relationship with a pre set expiration date on it right, but wait fuck actually

what if we entered this with an expiration date. like what if i proposed to them that we trial run a romantic relationship with an expiration date of ,say, midterms or the election. at the end i will say whether i have discovered myself capable of a romantic rs w them. however this also runs the risk of hurting them since that’s more time for them to bond w me, and also a lot of time for them to be mentally unsure if im meeting their level of romantic commitment yk?

okay but here’s the bottom line. i am only even considering a romantic rs w them bc i am interested in sex w them. so in a sense i would be disrespecting the boundary they set and just using them for sex. like is that an accurate picture of what’s going on here?

lol the obv answer is just end things w them. choosing to continue would be selfish, though one could argue if i commit to fully fully TRYING to be romantically committed to them during the trial run (and ofc am transparent w them about it) then it is not selfish bc im not using them for sex while disregarding their desire, i’m using them for sex while also trying my best to meet the boundary they set that they need it to be romantic?

hmm okay so these are my thoughts for now. opinions welcome, esp if you think i’m being an asshole here PLEASE tell me if i am bc i fear i am. i have not been on the other side of this type of situation before.

i will probably reblog w some more thoughts later.

[youremyheaven]

Do you think it’s possible for a solar man to be loyal? My ex turned boyfriend and I are going long distance and it’s not that I don’t trust him but like…gulp. He’s a Krittika sun and his atmakaraka is in Mrigashira he’s also a revati rising😶. He said he’s committed but we can’t see each other for three years😭 he was a senior when I met him as a freshman(in college) and now I’m entering sophomore year and he’s graduated. Apparently when I graduate, moving in together and marriage is what he wants. I’m just scared tho😞 like he’s super blunt and honest sometimes to a fault so if he did anything he’d tell me?? Idk 😭

i think anybody regardless of their naks can be a good, honourable person who is loyal, faithful etc. what naks show us and what their purpose is, is to reveal the innate tendencies of a person. anybody can attain self-mastery and rise above their nature though. (yk the whole enlightenment business hehe)

that saiiiiidd,

i dont think a combination of krittika + mrigashira + revati sounds like husband material stuff to me. thats my honest opinion.

idk what your placements are and how ya'lls synastry looks like but you clearly already have your doubts, which is why you're telling me about it 👀

this isn't only tied to astrology but as a psychic-intuitive person, im getting bad vibes from this man. 🫢🫢

you can make any decision you'd like to and its up to you. im not trying to fearmonger or falsely accuse a man i dont know of anything.

BUT

as a grown woman, i'll tell you that seniors who hit on freshmen and get into relationships with them are more often than not, predators. he was in that uni for a good 4-5 years and yet he was single in his final year and the only suitable woman was a girl right out of highschool???

if you're in your 20s you would know how hard we find it to connect to someone in their teens. a 21-22yr old is entering the work force/studying further etc and is an actual adult with real responsibilities whose life looks vastly different from an 18yr old fresh out of highschool. this is not a relationship of "equals". there is a power dynamic here (and with that krittika + mrigashira + revati 💀💀💀the power is most definitely in his hands)

i say this as someone who has male friends who have done the same thing and dated freshmen. they've all talked about how "innocent" the girls are and how "naive and cute" they are 🤢🤢🤢🤮 i would never let my daughters around these men. so that should tell you something.

idk how many relationships you've had but trust me, the guy you meet in your first year of university is not The One

another thing that reallyyyy bothers me is how, he expects you to wait for him for 3 years. it SCREAMS revati + krittika/solar influence. he's had a whole college experience and is now graduated and onto other things but he wants you to remain committed to him until you graduate college even though he knows there's no way you can see each other for THREE YEARS???

my june talking stage (Venusian man) was Revati Sun & Venus and him & i used to run in the same circles in school etc and reconnected after nearly a decade. after days of flirting, proposing marriage, him wanting me to have his babies etc he "accidentally" revealed that he's planning on migrating abroad in the next several months 💀💀💀 and i asked him why tf would u then plan ur entire life with me and he said "bc it would be nice to have a plan ready when we meet again in the future" 💀💀💀bro was basically trying to make me hopeful for a life with him, give him my time and energy and stay waiting for the day that may or may not come lmao

its different when a guy who is already your boyfriend promises these things (marriage, moving in etc) but you're 19 baby, you have your whole life ahead of you. do you really believe that this man is the love of your life? do you think you can put up with him every day until the day you die?

at 19, love and romance will feel very do or die and intense af,, you think this is your only shot at true love but that's not true. there is SOOO much wonderful stuff waiting for you in your future and you shouldn't throw it all to the side for a Solar/Martian/Mercurial man 🤢🤢🤢

life changes so dramatically after u graduate college, u have no idea!!! u will become an entirely different human being. you're still a kid right now and you should be focusing on yourself, having fun and doing well in college. men come and go but this degree can change your life!!!

as someone who has been in long distance relationships, lemme tell u that it takes A LOT of time and energy. and at 19, i think that time and energy will be better spent elsewhere. i also generally dont think long distance relationships work except in veryyyy rare cases.

your man loves the idea of you saving yourself for him, waiting for him, needing him, belonging to him. he loves to gives you ideas, fill you up with images of a future together because he relishes having that power over you. this is literally what Solar men are like. sprinkle some Mercurial manipulation on top of it. Martian men can be reallyyy violent and abusive (if imbalanced). he's already harsh with his words as you say, do you really want to stick around and find out what else might happen???

again, not trying to fear monger but i dont get good vibes from this guy

plenty of girls i knew in my first year of college started dating seniors and entered into the most destructive and life changing relationships.

none of them are still together. and this is coming from an indian pov where people still used to date to marry.

all im saying is, this looks bad from many different angles and i dont want you to ruin your college experience caught up with some guy who isn't even there. your friends will be out there making memories of a lifetime, acing their classes and you'll be arguing with him on face time and crying yourself to sleep

ik that sounds dramatic but im trying to be realistic here

cut this man out babe , you can do so much better<3333

[galactic-pirates]

The more I think about the CSI: Vegas cancellation the more gutted I am.

I’m close with mum. She visits my house two evenings a week, I cook us dinner and we watch TV. Mum doesn’t do anything remotely sci-fi or fantasy. Sometimes I will put the Librarians on because it’s my comfort show and as she loves me she tolerates it. However, usually I try and put on something that she likes and that I can tolerate.

So I go back to crime shows. That’s what we started out watching together over 20 years ago but I find my tolerance for them has waned over the years. For instance Mum likes Blue Bloods but eventually I had to say nope, sorry, I just can’t watch it anymore however pretty I thought Erin was sometimes.

CSI Vegas - I am not immune to the nostalgia. I always liked the science angle rather than just pure copganda. It’s something I’ll actually watch on my own and not just with mum. Plus you know Catherine, always my favourite character (if Sofia had been in OG CSI longer there would have been competition. Ah Sofia I will never forget you).

When I googled about CSI Vegas I saw NCIS Hawai’i has also been canned. Beautiful setting, I love Tennant, so competent. Two lesbian main characters in a happy committed relationship. Yet this one gets cancelled while the juggernaut OG goes for the 22nd season /sigh.

Now we can do rewatching and I do prioritise what I prefer for that obviously (I’m not an idiot), but ugh! I have rewatched CSI quite a bit so new CSI was great and now no more :(

I really am sad.

[evansbby]

I was there too with my older brothers and cousins, it warmed my heart seeing so many people in support of Palestine. I also saw a lot of Jews there and I think people forget that there’s a difference between a zionist and a Jew. As a Palestinian muslim woman myself I spoke to a few of them and they explained that they do not support the actions of Israel and that it’s against their religion. When I was younger I was always mad at the ‘jews’ for taking over my country and that I got called a terrorist and they didn’t when they clearly killed many innocent lives. I also tried to talk to Israeli people but when I told them everything Israel did to Palestine and how it was wrong they would call me antisemitic and get mad. I was like 16/17 when I finally realized that I should leave the faith of Palestine in Allahs hands and not get kind of mad when people tell me they’re jewish, because I always thought that automatically meant that they were zionists😭 I always felt this survivors guilt, I was born in Palestine but my parents moved us to London when I was 2, but I still have some family there and it’s awful for them. Like why do I get to live in a safe environment when they can’t? I’m 20 years old now and my cousin had it way harder growing up than I did, thankfully she also made it out, but I just feel bad when she talks about her childhood knowing that I didn’t have to worry if there would be Israeli soldiers outside on my streets. I’ve seen pictures of our neighborhood before it got destroyed and it was so beautiful, my grandma would tell me stories about how she and my grandpa would walk to the markets and now it’s all gone. Alhamdulillah they’re safe now.

I’m honestly so happy to see many people support Palestine, thank you to all who protested and constantly donate to help the people in Gaza🇵🇸🩷

Also so real for that Rishi Sunak comment because who told him to open his mouth😭😭😭 Every time I see him I get so mad omg💀

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me 🥺🙏🏼🇵🇸

Sooo many people from different religions are conditioned to hate other religions. I know so many people who were raised to hate Muslims, who were raised to hate Jewish people etc etc. It’s just up to us, as we grow up, to combat these views and stereotypes, speak to more people, understand situations and see that there is good and bad in every religion.

I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, with Palestine being your homeland and yet you moved away so you are safe from the war and yet your people are suffering so much 🥺🥺🥺 It’s heartbreaking and I can’t even imagine, the fact you have family there as well, going through such atrocities.

I just watched a video on tiktok of a man from Palestine who said that a dog in Europe lives a better life than a Palestinian human being in Palestine. Because at his camp, they are waiting for water. A dog on Europe has access to water and the Palestinians do not because Israel cut access bc of course “they have the right to defend themselves!1!1” How a nuclear state cutting water and electricity access from innocent people is helping Israel defend itself, I won’t understand lmfao.

Honestly, this is at the end of the day not a war based on religion at all. No one cares what religion the Zionist alt right government of Israel are… we only care about the 28282992 war crimes they are committing as we speak.

But it’s still great to see Jewish people supporting the Palestinian cause—and the fact there is so many of them! ALSO a lot of Israeli people supporting Palestine shows that there is hope.

I hate Rishi Sunak. This man went to Israel and said “I hope you win” and “the uk stands with Israel” meanwhile there are protests pro Palestine protests here every other day.

[many-gay-magpies]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @babyseraphim! Thank you lovely, yk i love this kind of thing <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

17!

2. What’s your total AO3 wordcount?

94,685

3. What fandoms do you write for?

These days it’s pretty much all Dead Boy Detectives, but before this I was writing a lot of Teen Wolf stuff. I’ve also written some BBC Merlin fics, some for the Sandman (although those were both BBC Merlin crossovers), and one The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance fic!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Circular Entrapment - BBC Merlin/Sandman crossover

A Dream of Avalon - also BBCM/Sandman crossover

The Curious Tongue - DBD

Where Primroses Bloom - DBD

To a Grave Dug for Fear - DBD

5. Do you respond to comments?

As often as I can, yes! I absolutely love responding to comments and do my best to respond to every one I get, but I think some of my older fics (mostly the Sandman/Merlin crossover ones that got pretty good traction) might have comments I’ve forgotten about.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I think it would have to be that short little Teen Wolf Scisaac goodbye fic I wrote, Nothing Wrong With a Little Space (But not Right now). That one ends (and is overall) decently angsty, but I’m allergic to solid angst so it’s still somewhat open/hopeful.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Where Primroses Bloom lmao; that is, like, THE sappiest shit I’ve ever written, the ending included. Like I said I’m allergic to solid angst so most of my fics have happy endings, but that one is definitely the most tooth-rotting level of fluff I’ve yet committed.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not as of yet; like Nimm I’m guessing I haven’t been writing for long enough/haven’t written ENOUGH yet to get a big enough audience to attract hate. I am okay with this

9. Do you write smut?

Once upon a time I would have said a solid no but I have been dabbling lately! Idk how much I’m gonna do, and I don’t think I’ll ever consider myself a smut WRITER, but it has been quite fun :>

10. Do you write crossovers?

Yes! Not any recently, but my first (and only) two fics for the Sandman were both crossover with BBC Merlin, and I have, like, an insane amount of crossovers with Merlin and other fandoms just rotting in Scrivener lmao. Doctor Who crossovers, a Tales of Arcadia crossover, more Sandman crossovers, Good Omens crossovers, Dead Boy Detectives crossovers (though those are barely written), the concept for a Teen Wolf crossover… I love to but that twink wizard in situations

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Also nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Triple nope—although I might be, maybe, at some point, soon-ish, if my and the other writer’s motivation for the fic ever returns from the war TT (mostly mine unfortunately). It’s definitely something I think could be fun!!

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Right now Payneland has consumed me mind body and soul, and they seem the type to stick for years to come, even if my overall DBD interest eventually fades. Merlin and Arthur are my eternal beloveds, however, and I will never NOT be a Merthur lover at heart. Even when my BBC Merlin interest is at a low (like it is right now), Merthur remains in my heart.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

SO MANY MERLIN WIPS DEAR GOD. As I mentioned before I haven’t had my Merlin interest surge in a while, so there are, like, five different half-written crossovers where I just yeet that wizard at other fandoms, and a lot of them are REALLY REALLY GOOD, but like. I can’t fully commit to them without reawakened interest in the fandoms involved, so. For now they shall be left to rot in my fanfiction doc. Also that one fucking 24k Merlin fic I fully wrote, like to completion, and want to rewrite now that my writing is better and I have the ideas more fleshed out, but haven’t yet due to lack of interest/motivation.

I do have a bit of hope though that one day my Merlin interest will return from the war, so in the interest of sharing some WIPs with less hope: the Triptych series for Teen Wolf. I have a fourth part of that in progress, and I think it has like 11k of it or some insane number written, and I want to finish it SO BAD because my girl Allison deserves some time to shine, plus that is the first and only time I have committed to a serial project in a fandom, believing I would follow through, but I. Very much have not. Triptych readers if any of you still follow me I am sorry, the Teen Wolf interest did not last as long as I hoped it would—but at the very least, the way the series is formatted makes it so the ending now is still a nice, solid, if slightly open ending, so if you didn’t know there’d been a fourth part planned you probably wouldn’t assume anything was missing.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like I’m generally good with prose, dialogue, and emotional and atmospheric description! Which is like. Quite a bit actually. But I feel like I’m generally a pretty good writer, and I enjoy all the different processes a lot! I’ve gotten a lot of compliments in comments on my fics about how I get the characters’ voices and vibes down really accurately, which is EVERYTHING to me because that feels like one of the most challenging parts of fic—actually making the characters read LIKE THE CHARACTERS. So, that is a point of pride for sure kjshdkfjhksjh

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Run-on sentences. I am so, SO guilty of abusing the em dash (—) and semicolon (;) to hell and back, my goodness. Half my editing process is going through and shortening sentences, reordering clauses, etc etc. I also feel like I could definitely improve in the actual plot-driven area, at least when it comes to fic—pretty much all my fics are emotion and character-focused oneshots, which isn’t a bad thing and certainly has its place in fandom, but I so enormously admire the fic writers who think up whole plots for the characters and put them into so many situations… granted I did do that with Circular Entrapment, and I’m in the process of doing it with my (finally-named!) post-canon casefic, but I want to do it MORE. Also, committing!! I pretty much only post oneshots because I’m terrible at committing to longer-form stuff!! A big part of it is that I can’t exactly control the whims of my brains and its interests, but god just for ONCE I would like to commit to and actually FOLLOW THROUGH WITH a longer-form project, like a serial or a multichapter.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I mean, I’m not sure what exactly this is asking. I have one unposted ficlet where I use my very intermediate French knowledge to write Isaac Lahey speaking very rudimentary French, so I think it’s fun? I think generally if I ever used another language for dialogue I’d put a translation in the end notes, and like. I don’t see myself doing it that often? It can be fun to read though.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

If we’re talking first fandom I wrote fic for ever, in my life, that would have to be either My Little Pony or How To Train Your Dragon. If we’re talking first fandom I ever wrote fic and POSTED the fic for, that would be Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance.

20. Favorite fics you’ve written?

Aughhhhh. I think at the moment I’m super proud of The Curious Tongue, because it was just so much fun to write and I’m super proud of the results! It was my first foray into posting slightly more nsfw writing, which was a bit nerve-wracking, but I really just adore the character dynamics and emotional vulnerability in it. Exploring the same events from two separate POVs and seeing how DIFFERENT they were was so fun, and the great reception it’s received has been a big plus!

I’m also really proud of To a Grave Dug for Fear, because I really love the ideas, intrapersonal conflict, and emotional/character dynamics explored in it, and I feel like I did a good job for it being my first fic for the DBD fandom! But on a non-DBD note, Circular Entrapment. It’s still just such an entertaining concept and execution to me, and seeing how those two incredibly different characters meshed together was so much FUN.

For this I will zero-pressure tag my usual writer mutual tag, @blusandbirds, and also @edwinspaynes, @wordsinhaled, @shadowquill17, and any other writers who see this and want to participate! As usual, if you are tagged and DON’T want to, just consider it a notification that I’m thinking of you :3

[barzzal]

Be warned this is gonna be long i apologize in advance, but this is all just me giving a massive kudos to you and your work. I’m so happy to see this updated thank you for your hard work and talented writing.

*inhales*

*exhales*

After reading interlude ii for CMC and as usual I loved it to bits but also I AM SUDDENLY CONFLICTED? With BOTH SIDES????? The whole time I was like “Yeah Sidney take the fucking L” but now that we have the full detailed story of how it led up to that moment, suddenly the situation is so much more complicated. HE ACTUALLY WAS READY AT THE LAST MOMENT OH GOD HE WAS GOING TO DO ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING TO MAKE IT UP TO HER AND THE BABY HE WAS READY TO BE A PARTNER AND DAD-

And now my head is in my hands as I think: ‘Oh my god. Reader didn’t give him a chance to be a dad to Lucas for NEARLY SEVEN YEARS (even though she was justifiably pissed at him) AND HE THOUGHT HIS BABY WAS GONE’

And, please hear me out. The pregnancy and the actual birth of the baby are two different parts of the process. It’s different for everyone, but sometimes it takes a few weeks or months for the parents to feel a connection with their baby once they’re born; It’s actually quite common among parents. Same goes for the pregnancy term. It’s fucking scary, raising a child; You’re not just living your life for yourself, you’re living your life for the best interest of your child. And while there’s absolutely no excuse for Sid and his emotional distance/neglect (believe me when I say I still want to sock him in the face for his initial reaction), it does bring perspective at to why he reacted that way. Correct me if I’m wrong, but he was scared that his commitment to his career would end up hurting his kid, not being able to be there for them. Of course, dumbass man sucked at communicating that to Reader properly huh

But he did come back. He did return. He was ready to begin repenting. Lucas wasn’t even born yet and he was ready to do right by him and Reader both.

Suddenly I am now in full panic mode because once Lucas gets older enough to question why did his mom keep him away from his dad if both parents loved and wanted him from the start. And I know reader said in previous chapters that everything she did was for her son and his happiness and safety which is an absolute HELL YES THAT’S WHAT BEING A PARENT IS ABOUT, but did she ever consider the possibility that keeping them both hidden away from Sid would potentially hurt all of them more than it would help? Lucas never got to meet the other side of the family; Troy and Trina never got to be grandparents, Taylor never got to be an aunt. They weren’t able to see Lucas grow up, and I just know they would’ve loved him the moment they were told of his existence.

Am I allowed to feel angry at both Sid and Reader? I am so sorry I… just love this story so much, I’ve never felt so many emotions reading before. Please correct me if I’m wrong in any way.

first of all, ily oh gosh. i never expect a comment this long from anyone but omg thank you!! i appreciate you taking the time to lmk which part/s u like/impacted u most 🥺 not lying when i say i was smiling as i read it entirely it’s truly fulfilling to come across a reader as passionate as u so endless thanks my dear 🫶🏻

second, ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID! i honestly can’t wait for them to be happy why can’t they just sit together and talk things out it’s not that hard 😭 had enough of little lukey having to bear poor adult choices!!

to clarify tho, since i’ve been mia on here and on the updates, the series was supposed to be done in 2022 😫 so our timeline for cmc would be that it’s still 2021 going 2022 (refer to teaser #3).

for everyone to be on the same page, allow me to recapitulate:

april 2015

refer to teaser #1

sidney is 27 yrs. turning 28 yrs. in aug

reader is 26 yrs.

first month of summer, 2015

june: reader finds out she’s pregnant

july: miscarriage scare; sid and reader break up before kris’ wedding

post breakup, 2015-2016

sidney wins the cup, oct 2015 to june 2016

post breakup, 2016

january: luke is born on 6th of january (kind of like his dad’s bday 8.7.87 = 1.6.16)

post breakup, 2016-2017

sidney wins another cup, oct 2016 to april 2017

post breakup, 2019

reader moves back to pittsburgh; hides sid’s son

post break up, 2021 [we’ll go back to this timeline on ch. 6]

sidney is 33 yrs. going 34 yrs. (refer to teaser #2)

reader is 31 going 32

luke is 5 yrs. a few months older than geno’s son, nikita

minimum age requirement for sid’s little penguins hockey is 5 yrs.

luke enters hockey program, meets sidney; sidney meets luke and reader

timeline for ch. 6 until stated otherwise

ANYWAY, i’m so excited we’re now on the second half of the series!!! ✨and the plot thickens✨

[0rgell]

HIM - JongTae - Chapter 1 - I’m Broken, Alone and Afraid: Part One

General Masterlist

Story masterlist - please consult it for the summary of the story, trigger warnings etc.

AO3 link

Chapter 2 (coming soon)

---

Chapter 1 - I’m Broken, Alone and Afraid: Part One

chapter word count: 1.8k words

Taemin starts off his prayer with: “Holy Father, we need to talk.” He squirms, shifting on his knees, uncomfortable with the confessions he’s about to make. “I’ve been keeping a secret, a deep sin inside of me, and I can’t contain it anymore. I’m not the creation you wanted. I have sinned and strayed away from the original path you made for me. Please don’t get angry. Continue having faith in me.”

His eyes peep open to see his little shrine in front of him. He accumulated possessions over the years of travelling around the world and touring with SHINee. Mother Mary’s eyes are staring directly into his. He lets out a shaky breath and reaches towards his rosary beads, clutching them against his chest, hoping that some Divine power will reach him. It doesn’t. He’s still as shaken as before and he’s still got to confess.

The beads shake in his clammy hands as he continues. 

“The Divine Virgin, Mother Mary, I'm holding you close to my heart. I’m devoted to you, the Holy Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Please guide me. Please forgive me.” He feels his eyes tear up unforgivingly and he feels as if he doesn’t have the right to cry; he’s chosen this sin. God shouldn’t see him cry. It looks like he’s asking for pity. Maybe he is. 

“I have fallen in love with a man, he is kind and gentle. He’s talented and uses such pretty words. I can feel your eyes on me, staring when we are together, when we hold hands or hug. How can I make you understand?”

Leviticus 20:13 wraps around Taemin’s head as if it’s a sharp warning from God himself. Reminding him to go no further than he already has.  "If a man practises homosexuality, having sex with another man as with a woman, both men have committed a detestable act. They must both be put to death, for they are guilty of a capital offence." It’s all so surreal. Taemin gulps at the harsh words as if they’re guillotine hanging over his head. Yet, he knows that without Jonghyun, he will never love another. His heart will never belong to anyone else, leaving nothing even for the God he has worshipped since childhood.

Jonghyun isn’t a religious man, but Taemin can’t imagine him going anywhere else but heaven. Jonghyun is a pure man who is naive to the power of God and God will not punish him for that. 

Taemin, on the other hand, knows about God’s power and how graceful and forgiving he is with it. He will not be spared punishment for he is choosing sin. “I am sorry, I am a sinner but I don’t think I can give up loving him. When he is with me, I feel such a strong connection… It would be like ripping myself in two to part with him.” 

The air is thick with the weight of Taemin's internal struggle as he sits in the small, dimly lit room. The flickering candlelight casts shadows that dance on the walls, mirroring the turmoil within him. He clasps his hands together tightly, his knuckles white, leaving indents on his palms from the rosary beads, as he whispers a prayer.

"God, I need your guidance," Taemin pleads, his voice barely audible. "I don’t want to betray you, but my heart is not my own. It is him that I love."

He recalls the first time he met Jonghyun, the way their eyes locked and an unspoken understanding had passed between them. It was as if their souls recognised each other. Jonghyun’s smile, so genuine, so warm, that Taemin felt an immediate pull towards him—an irresistible force.

Their relationship had grown in secret, with each stolen moment a precious memory built into Taemin’s heart that eventually grew into a beautiful kingdom. They shared dreams, fears, and promises whispered in the quiet of the night in their shared room in the dorm. Jonghyun was his confidant, his anchor in a world that felt increasingly hostile. 

One evening, as they lay together under the roof of the dorm, Jonghyun turned to him with a look of sincerity. "Taemin, I know what we have is difficult, but it’s also beautiful. I believe that love, in any form, is a gift. How can something that feels so right be wrong?"

Taemin had no answer—only the overwhelming love he felt for Jonghyun and the crushing guilt that accompanied it. Now, in the solitude of his own ‘chapel', those words echo in his mind.

He glances at the Bible before him, its pages worn from years of use. The passage from Leviticus feels like a wound that won’t heal, but there are other passages too, ones that speak of love, mercy, and forgiveness. 

"Is my love a sin, or is it a test of faith?" Taemin wonders aloud, his voice breaking. "Can I be true to myself and still be a good follower of God?"

God doesn’t reply and more tears well in Taemin’s eyes as he nods, feeling shunned and shut out. He understands why God isn’t talking to him. Taemin insists on sinning and he wants God to forgive him for being a defiant sinner. He wants to be forgiven without repentance. 

It’s a sin within a sin. A sin is a sin.

He gets off of his knees and blows out the candle before opening the door, walking out to his kitchen and pouring himself a glass of water. He and Jonghyun still aren’t in a committed relationship and it’s all Taemin’s doing. Jonghyun is waiting for him and Taemin is trying to make an unreachable deal with God.

Taemin would love more than anything to be with Jonghyun, but he’s always left feeling guilty. 

After they kiss, Taemin gets the urge to pray, and it wouldn’t be fair to Jonghyun for him to see that. It would make him feel dirty; it would make him feel like Taemin thinks he is dirty. Taemin thinks about Jonghyun’s face when he gets denied. He can see the hurt he’s causing and sometimes, he wishes they never met all together.  

It’s a selfish wish, and Taemin can’t even remember what his life was like before he met Jonghyun because he’s always just been there next to Taemin, being ever so attentive and always smiling, reminding Taemin of what love is.

He downs his water like a desert man starved of water and slams it down on the kitchen counter, frustrated with his life and sick and tired of everything. His past week has been a week of pure torment. It’s been slow and painful. He’s been blocking everyone out while trying to figure himself out and figure out how he let it get far. However, every moment he’s locking himself away from Jonghyun, the more he craves him, the more his heart bleeds. He misses Jonghyun and what he is doing is also hurting Jonghyun. 

The messages on his phone have complied and the calls only stopped once he turned it off three days ago, he even changed the password to his door. He ignores the doorbell on several occasions and just like them tonight, it rings again. 

And again. 

Taemin glances at the intercom, finding a dishevelled Jonghyun. He looks terrible—his hair is stuffed under a cap, dark circles are pronounced beneath bloodshot eyes. His once glowing, tanned skin has paled significantly, making him look like a ghost of his former self. Taemin probably appears just as bad, if not worse, though he wouldn’t know: he hasn’t dared to face his reflection, afraid of encountering a monster.

Taemin reluctantly presses the speaker button on the intercom, his hand trembling slightly. He can hear Jonghyun’s footsteps pacing in front of his door, now echoing through the hallway into his intercom. Jonghyun notices the green light blinking and stands there in silence. Taemin doesn’t dare make a sound either. He stares at the screen, taking in Jonghyun’s distressed state and it looks as if Jonghyun is trying to see Taemin as well. It’s impossible, though.

Jonghyun finally breaks the silence, his voice hoarse and barely above a whisper. “Taemin, please, we need to talk.”

Taemin lets Jonghyun be shrouded in his silence. He knows they should be; he just can’t at the moment. The atmosphere around both of them noticeably darkens, Jonghyun realising that Taemin still won’t talk to him, and Taemin because he’s surrounded by self-loathing. 

Jonghyun’s eyes speak a thousand words even through the graining intercom screen; the weight of unspoken words presses down on them both. Jonghyun doesn’t know where to begin and Taemin can’t begin, both haunted by their own demons. 

Jonghyun looks away for a split second, and looks up, his eyes filled with a mixture of desperation and resolve. “We can’t keep going like this. Taemin, something has to change. Please.” 

Taemin exhales shakily, knowing Jonghyun is right but unsure if he has the strength to make it happen. I know. But what do I do? Taemin can’t bear looking at him anymore. His heart aches so much that the pain is crippling. He lets his body fall, sliding down the wall until his shirt scrunches up helplessly at the back and he can feel the cold wall on his back. He pulls his knees to his chest, hoping that it will offer some protection from the hurt he’s causing. He pulls his knees so tight, hoping it will relieve the pain he feels in his chest. He can’t breathe. Tears fall yet no sound can come out, his chest crushed by his own knees. Jonghyun’s pleas hang in the air, heavy with uncertainty, patiently waiting for Taemin to answer. They grapple with the darkness that has taken hold of their lives, unable to untie it from themselves.

“Taemin-ah. Please.” Jonghyun begs. 

“I love you, Taeminie. Let’s just talk.” He begs and cries and yet Taemin still won’t open the door. Jonghyun’s resolve ends after an hour of trying to bargain with Taemin. He eventually leaves with his head hanging and tears descending like a waterfall. 

For hours, Taemin remains there, tears falling onto the cold stone floor of his apartment. As the sun sets, a sense of desolation settles in his soul. He realises that the forgiveness he’s seeking might never come. His love for Jonghyun, pure and unwavering, is a beacon of light in his life, but it also has cast a shadow over his faith.

That night, as he lies awake, tears keep streaming down his face, and a chilling weight settles over him. He has always believed in God’s infinite mercy, but what if it has limits? What if his love for Jonghyun is a transgression that cannot be pardoned or forgiven?

Tonight Taemin rests in his bed alone and when he finally gets to sleep, his dreams are full of sins.

---

Chapter 2 (coming soon)

[goodgirlgonebard]

And I'm answering! (Your latest reblog, lol)

As of now I have only read "dealbreaker" (and I have finally caught up with it!), but I sincerely love the story. Willow and Astarion are kind of idiots, but I love the pining, the yearning and the mild angst as they're navigating their relationship post ascension and Netherbrain. Willow's internal back and forth between being madly in love, yet scared to commit to a life of "forever" with Astarion is wonderfully written – I really feel I understand her actions and where she's coming from.

Astarion remains a bit of a wild card for me, considering he is the Ascendant and I sense lingering manipulation tactics, even if he#s doing it because he doesn't want to loose Willow a second time. Nevertheless, I think he's interestingly written and I'm eager to find out his reaction after that cliffhanger 😤

I think my favourite two chapters are the date chapters - from the disastrous first date (which ended with them in jail - hilarious!) to Astarion spending so much money to dedicate a music hall to Willow. Cliche? Yes. Did I eat it up nonetheless? Also yes.

Some favourite moments, because I couldn't pick one:

To see her is to feel pain. Searing, burning pain straight into his heart, which squeezes and pounds now after 200 years of stone cold death. It feels horrible. To see her dance, play that instrument that can be equally shrill and gentle and beautiful, all at the command of her hands; all of it commands his heart, just the same. (Chapter 2)

“I’m quite sure I could extend Mephistopheles’ gifts to my most favorite spawn,” he says after a moment, slight indignation in his voice. “Allow you to see the sun, see yourself, almost all of it.” “You could’ve stopped at the word spawn,” she responds, her voice growing louder. “Or at Mephistopheles, I suppose.” (Chapter 9)

“-will be called Willow’s Hall, to honor his fellow savior of the city, who is also honored here tonight.” Willow’s eyes shoot back to the podium, seeing the man beaming at her just as he was before the show started, now with Fenian Farthana at his side. She can only smile back at them for a moment before she looks back to Astarion, who she catches giving her the biggest smile she has seen on him since the ritual, enough to spot one of his fangs as he watches her expectantly.  (Chapter 20)

“How many?” He says it with a chuckle, but his mouth clamps shut when he seems to realize that Willow is not joking. “You want more than one?” “Well, wouldn’t it be nice for them to have a friend who is also a baby vampire? Or a few?” Willow asks as she lifts her coffee back to her lips, allowing some amount of humor to creep into her voice. The suggestion of a few makes his eyes bulge nearly out of their sockets for a split second, and Willow finds it even more entertaining to make him lose his composure now than she used to, no matter how brief.  (Chapter 24)

“You like cats, then?” She asks, her eyes darting back toward Ansur, who is still purring away. “I like this cat,” he responds, his voice even. “So far, at least.” “How would you feel about… more animals?” “Gods,” Astarion scoffs, removing his hand from her neck as he says it, “you intend to turn my home into a circus, don’t you?” (Chapter 32)

I probably have quite a few more favourites that I've kept with me over the time its taken to read the story - but I fear this may be getting too long 😂

SCREAMING 🥹 CRYING 🥹 THROWING UP 🥹 ❤️

I never really know while writing if certain parts are going be as funny to the reader as they are in my head. Like that line from Ch 24 had me laughing out loud at my desk as I wrote it but then the rest of the chapter went into a very different direction so I definitely thought it got overshadowed — and most of the comments on my spicier chapters tend to be more emojis than words, which I understand, because I’m not even sure what to say sometimes!

I also can’t believe you chose the Mephistopheles line because that is still my favorite chapter title ever all these months later, and I cannot even put my finger on why. Just something about “Mephistopheles, I suppose!” idk but I’m so glad we are somehow on the same page!!! That bodes well for the upcoming choices to be made, probably.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this and share these with me ❤️ and thank you for seeing these two as the big dumb idiots they are 😌

[valenteal]

Dazai Osamu and Anakin Skywalker are two of the greatest characters ever written for all the same reasons and their stories and personalities mirror each other. Anakin is a truly good person who turns bad because he was manipulated and lost everything he loved and stayed bad until he had someone to love and protect again. Dazai is a truly bad person who choose to be good because he lost the only person he truly loved and stayed good because he gained more people to care about him that he wanted to be better for. Anakin was manipulated and Dazai is a manipulator, Dazai has trouble connecting with other people while Anakin gets too easily attached. They both make the audience question what makes someone a “good person.” They both remind us how important it is to have a support system. They both have done terrible things, committed atrocities, and yet we can’t help but feel bad for the, want them to have better lives.

After everything Anakin did as Vader can he truly be redeemed? Yes, because he wasn’t in his right mind. He basically had 20 year long psychotic break. I think his situation is much simpler than Dazai’s because at his core Anakin is a kind and selfless person. A lot of people say his love for Padmé was selfish but it wasn’t. The Jedi didn’t provide him with the support he needed, she was quite literally his entire support system because the Jedi code made Anakin’s needs taboo and forbidden. He needed something stable and constant in his life. He needed someone who loved him unconditionally, someone who could get him out of his own head. But the Jedi are unattached, untethered by the mortal plane, at least according to Yoda. He didn’t understand that when Anakin is untethered he isn’t peaceful like other Jedi, he’s just uncontrolled.

Does Dazai deserve his new life in the ADA? He feels no remorse for everything he’s done, and his reasons for choosing to do good are completely selfish. This makes it harder to answer, because when he can get away with it he slips back into old patterns. Personally I believe in redemption, that people can change and deserve the chance to. I think society focuses too much on punishment for punishment’s sake. But punishment is a tool for teaching and is useless when not used in conjunction with rewards. Punishment for its own sake does nothing but give us sadistic satisfaction and a feeling of false righteousness that is easily manipulated and exploited. So, in the end, I would say prevention should be the goal, and I’m not sure if I would say Dazai should be given the chance to do good or be stopped and prevented from doing more bad. It’s a gamble, because he has the potential to do a lot of good given the right opportunities. But containing him, keeping him form hurting anyone else is probably the safer option, though it is admittedly unrealistic as the prison arc clearly demonstrates. So I guess giving him the opportunity to do good is the only viable option even if it is risky. As long as he does more harm than good I can be content with his place in the ADA. As long as he puts in effort I will not view him as a villain or as someone who doesn’t deserve what they have. Because in the end he is going against his very nature, struggling to do good and obtain happiness and that is something I have to respect.

[sitorrothekitsune]

Welcome to the Chaos Quartet!~

You know… it strikes me that we haven’t done an intro post in… *checks notes* almost 4 years. Wow. Well, here we go again.

Tl;dr—Jeff is blue, Sitorro is red, Shiro is purple, and Moe is green.

Anyway! Hi! My name is Jeff, and while I don’t “run” the blog per se, (Sitorro is most active) I do own the account the blog is under. So… I guess I’m the blog host? I’m now 20, almost 21, and my birthday is on March 21st. I’m going to college for Political Science, and I hope to get a law degree eventually! I think it would be really cool to be an international ambassador and live in another country. I love other cultures. Maybe I’ve been living with Sitorro for too long, but the way people talk, think, interpret, and interact with the world around them has always fascinated me. I got a chance last year to go to Europe, and I can’t wait to go back again. It was just so interesting. And I don’t even mean the landmarks. When I go to places, I go to the dirty places. The businesses. The suburbs. I want to see what I won’t on the TV. Crap I’m rambling. Anyway I do have some intense opinions on some things and I’m not sure what all those places are yet, but I’m a nice guy. Nice to meet you!

My name is Sitorro, and I’m the titular Kitsune of the blog. My birthday is September 28th, and I’m the youngest daughter of my family, at only 15,328 years of age. I’d say that if I were to grow at all, I’d like to become more diversified in the arts. I have been a warrior all of my life. This means I haven’t had a lot of time for self reflection. If you were to ask me who I am… well, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. Living with Jeffrey has shown me why humans are so concerned with doing as much as possible in their short lives, and I realized that I can use my infinite lifespan to my advantage to become as knowledgeable as possible. I may not be able to learn everything. You humans produce at a faster rate than even I can comprehend, and my processing speed is a literal million times faster than yours. But I can make a valiant effort. Lately, Jeff has been showing me the ropes of music and musical composition. It’s rather fascinating, and today’s “contemporary music” reminds me of the “Yuman” branch of the Imansa’s “Ngubinja” style from 2500 years ago.

How often do you do this, sister? You seriously wrote an essay for your pet human? You’ve got to be joking. Human ‘Jeff,’ I hope you understand there’s no way that my sister sees you as anything more than a toy to pass the time. Fine, I’ll do this quickly. My name is Shiro. I’m the queen of hell. Don’t commit suicide, I’ll treat you much harsher than this world ever did. You don’t need to know my birthday. Goodbye.

Hello. I am the god of learning, Morodase Gartus. Learning everything is my goal and I will stop at nothing to achieve it. Except my wife. She’s scary. I recently developed a new neurotoxin and I’m looking for human test subjects, so if you’re interested in knowledge, let me know. My birthday is August 3rd. Good luck in your learning.

That’s everyone! If you’re unsure about something or have any questions, feel free to DM us or find me on discord @scientifically_insane. Be well, and I’ll see you around~! :3

[datonetf2rarepair]

Let’s talk about FruityCrits

First off, i am in no way associated with SmokeNSoda, I like their work and that's about it. We're not even mutuals/friends

Alright let's dive in shall we?

FruityCrits has this big obsession over SmokeNSoda and SpyScout

He did some witch hunts in the summer of 2022 on twitter, which the tweets related to the hunts have since been deleted

In this screenshot, he says those that ship SpyScout gets an instablock

Days later, he said he has blocked who he needed to and wanted to go back to do his lusting

Months later, he stirs shit up again

I remember FruityCrits making some rumour-type tweets about unwinden, trying to smear their name because of the above, FruityCrits has deleted those as well

As pointed and stated, and is it really incest if they're ocs and unrelated? Some people don’t see a problem with that. FruityCrits here however seem to be childish about it

They're someone's ocs, and both ocs aren't related. They're not the canon characters. But according to him, all ocs are not ocs and are all canon characters? wut?

This just screams "I'm covering my ears and SCREECH”

Now remember that he said he would block, and instablock even! Anyone who ships SpyScout?

This doesn’t sound like has blocked SmokeNSoda, how would he know all about this? Either he hasn’t blocked SmokeNSoda or he secretly loves SpyScout and/or has a secret account that follows SmokeNSoda

These tweets above don’t seem to make sense, either there are deleted tweets or he is just delusional

Now fast forward to recently

Checking the person you seem to have a huge hatred for on a regular? Why would you look at things that really upset you? Unless you secretly love SpyScout

The weirdo here seem to be Fruitycrits since he has this big obsession over SmokeNSoda and SpyScout. He never stopped despite saying that he was done. Because here he is, almost a year later, he is still talking about this

For someone who is in his late 20s, he acts like a preteen, who probably isn’t ready to be on the internet yet

----

I get people don’t always want to see the ship. That’s why tags exist, that’s why people use those tags for content and trigger warnings. That’s why you block those tags if you don’t want to see it.  It’s that simple.

Sometimes people make content you may not agree with, but that doesn’t mean you have start attacking people for it. Do you know how easy it is to click the unfollow or block button? But apparently some people are so stupid they prefer to screech instead of click one single button

Also, some of them make the claim that fiction is reality. Fiction is not reality. Yes, fiction can impact reality,  but it isn’t one and the same. If you can’t distinguish fiction from reality then, well, you’re either not ready for fiction or not old/stable enough to be able to tell the two apart.

If fiction really IS reality then so many movies and books would have been banned, or the writers of those must have been in jail by now, right? Writing a book about a fictional serial killer does not mean the writer is planning to or already has committed murder.

YOU are in control of what you see on the Internet. Don’t like a certain type of content? BLOCK IT! or just, STOP LOOKING AT IT! it’s not that hard!

[construingseacats]

Umireread: Legend of the Golden Witch - Chapter 3: Guesthouse

Sat, Oct 4 1986 - 12:00 Noon

The following contains spoilers for the entirety of Umineko. Please do not read if you are yet to finish it.

Interesting note in the tips about how there’s canonically multiple “on” servants on Rokkenjima, and that Kanon and Shannon just happen to be the two that we see. I wonder what Yasu’s other personalities are like… and how many costumes she has to be able to fool the rest of the family.

Not entirely related to Umineko, but I do like how George is still considered “one of the kids” at age 23. Speaking as a 27 year old, entirely accurate, he’s still a baby, but it’s so common to see pieces of media treat people in their early 20s as bonafide adults - so this is really refreshing to read.

BATTLER DON’T SEXUALISE THE FUCKING CHILD. This is undoubtedly the low point of Umineko jesus christ

There’s a point made here about Maria always keeping her promises - that’s joining the “George never lies” in the folder of things to keep an eye out for going forward.

George??? You can’t just laugh and say “the cousins didn’t feel complete” without Battler in response to him talking about groping a 9 year old??????? Like, maybe there’s a point here about how Yasu would have been a similar age to Maria the last time she met Battler and crushed on him, but really this is just indefensible, creepy writing that the story is much worse for.

Moving swiftly on - it’s interesting how Kanon is introduced as being around 2 years younger than the group, but Shannon is described as being the same age. I suppose it’s an intentional ploy to make sure they’re not twins (which would raise more suspicion about them being the same person, and could risk skirting close to Knox’s 10th), but it’s still something to take note of. I wonder what the ages of the other “on” servants are given as?

Yasu once again stuttering as her mind fills with thoughts of “hot boy”.

I hate the justification here. Like, I’m glad that Ryukishi is at least trying to paint Battler as more than a mindless perv by saying he does it as an act to lighten the mood, but like, you’re still writing him as a perv. You can just have him be charming without trying to randomly sexually harass every girl he meets. But then I guess he wouldn’t be taking after Kinzo, eh?

So. This scene.

I think of all analytical re-reads of Umineko, this is probably the most notorious scene to pick apart, since it’s simultaneously another case of Battler being a creep at the start of the story, but arguably one of the most important moments where Yasu’s entire plan was inches away from falling apart.

On the one hand, I am a sucker for the stuff going on behind the scenes here - Yasu wants to be caught. She wants Battler to discover that Shannon is a fake identity, but Battler being unable to “commit to the bit” (if you will) prevents him from doing so, and there is no universe where he is able to prevent the massacre before it even begins. It’s dramatic irony at its finest.

But… What message does that really give? The moral is “if Battler was more of a perv then everything would have been okay”, which is, uh, not good? The most charitable reading here is one of Yasu writing this scene intentionally as “I wish Battler was more forward/aggressive but he’s a real gentleman”, which I’m still not super on board with. That potentially has some insight into Yasu’s psyche and messed up relationship with sexual urges, especially if you see it through the lens of a metaphor for Yasu being unable to engage with other people in that way, but that still leaves us with the big issue here.

The biggest problem is this is another scene of Battler being a creep far before the audience is hooked. So far, we’ve been introduced to almost 20 characters, none of them have really done anything yet, the plot hasn’t progressed beyond “they’re here for a family meeting”, and our protagonist is out here sexually harassing women once again. I legitimately do not blame anyone who gets to this point and then immediately puts Umineko down, never to pick it up again. Maybe this would have been a good scene to put at the start of Episode 2 for the earlier reasons, but as is, it just does far more harm than good to the story as a whole. Nevertheless, we powered through it the first time, so we’ll keep pressing through here as well.

Nice pause before furniture here. I can’t help but feel that she scrambled for that excuse, and that the real reason she’s hesitant to stop people from Battler-ing her is, once again, because she’s desperate for her deception to be uncovered. 

It’s extremely funny to see this just plainly stated and brushed away. I sure hope this isn’t foreshadowing to Kanon and Shannon being the illegitimate heir of the Ushiromiya family or something.

Alright, after Battler being the absolute worst against Maria and Shannon, I think we’re through the low point. Don’t get me wrong, we’re about to barrel into the inheritance discussion, which is possibly one of the driest parts of the whole story, but I’m fairly sure all the perv stuff is out the way and we can stop being disgusted at the guy we’re supposed to root for.

There’s a throwaway comment here from Maria about seeing herself as unsociable and it just kills me. My heart breaks for her. Although we haven’t got to the point of her going full creepy kid, so who knows, maybe I’ll grow to hate her again.

Interesting first mention of the war here. It’s one of those details that seems superfluous in the moment, and you’re probably skipping over it automatically, but the history here is fairly significant.

The big door sound effect in Umineko is definitely one of the more iconic ones in it. I can’t help but think that it sounds a lot like a video tape being played (heck, maybe it is, sound design is all about lying to your ears). I know it’s likely unintentional, but it feels thematic with the whole elements of having a fantasy story play out before your eyes.

bore-ral intensifies

And here’s our Golden Witch.

Umineko is a masterclass in misdirection with a lot of its writing. There’s a common theme where it will walk you through a truth, but then go “but no, you’re smarter than that, that can’t be right” and make you abandon the reality that it just waved in your face. In this case, it’s the discussion about the Witch in the Forest and Folklore - you’re told there’s a Witch out there, but come on, you and I both know that these sorts of stories are just made up to stop kids from running into dangerous places, so that’s clearly false. Anyway, while your ego is being massaged, there actually is a Witch in the Forest that the kids needed to stay away from, get rug pulled nerd

Would the 2 year time period of the portrait being installed roughly line up with Kinzo’s death? I’m not sure if it’s just an element of the reworked graphics, but you can see a portrait in Kinzo’s study as early as the Prologue, so I’m wondering if they just took the one that he had in there and placed it out here.

There’s a line here about the whole thing being creepy as hell - I can’t help but wonder whether she’s actually talking about the portrait, or the whole covering for Kinzo act.

No wonder you feel the same misfortune, given she’s the one who blew up the shrine to test that the bombs still worked.

Aha, here’s the dismissal of the sexism in the Ushiromiya family that I was looking for. I’m happy to rescind some of my comments about the presence of it in Chapter 1, although the story did leave that hanging in the air a little long for my liking. Especially considering Battler needed way more redeeming features to make up for his actions in these first few chapters.

Once again, very bold of the story to be going into excruciating detail about the Ushiromiya family before any of them have been endeared to us. Getting all of the details out of the way now definitely makes for a better story later on, but man, I just wish that anything of import had actually happened yet.

A lot of the discussion on chauvinism and sexism takes a very sorrowful tone when viewed through the lens of Yasu’s writing. If women are only good as “borrowed wombs” and she’s reduced to the level of furniture after the accident…

I also feel pretty sorry for Natsuhi here as a fish out of water. I honestly can’t wait for Episode 5 to see her front and centre again.

And then they all starved. The end.

God this scene is so good. Jessica is taking any chance she can to rebel against having to pretend Kinzo is still alive. Seeing her go “I feel better without him” and having Natsuhi slam her down for knowing the real connotation of that is *chef’s kiss*

A sealed room… I’m sure we won’t be seeing many of them in the future.

It’s interesting how our first proper fantasy scene isn’t even related to the murders or the actions of Yasu, but of Krauss pretending Kinzo is still alive.

Kinzo would know all about having your own body used as firewood.

Honestly, it’s kind of incredible how this scene immediately establishes the servants as associates for the fantasy scenes. As soon as we get the red truth that Kinzo died before the game begun in the Episode 4 Tea Party, anyone revisiting this scene really has the entire game blown open for them.

Sure is, buddy.

Sure are, buddy.

The mental image of Genji just sitting alone in the study and kicking back as he drinks to himself is so funny to me. I can’t help but wonder what he was feeling in these moments of protecting the masquerade.

Yasu giving the gold medal to Yasu here. Everyone else is unworthy.

…Well, that’s what the story is about, at the end of the day. Dealing with the true leader of the Ushiromiya family having multiple people in the same body.

We’re still in the opening stretch and we’re already repeating ourselves, woof. I’m glad we’re getting more Kinzo time since he’s the one actively reminding us of the actual plot, but I don’t think we covered any particular ground here that we didn’t already show off in the Prologue. I wonder if anyone has done a count of all the times we get a proper “BEATORICHEEEE” in the story.

I’m really glad Jessica is having so much fun with the Kinzo lies. She clearly doesn’t want to keep up the facade, but has to, so she’s making her own entertainment out of it to cope with the situation. As someone constantly inventing personal win conditions and games to play to stave off the suffocating mundanity of a normal life, I relate to that hard.

End of Chapter.

Bonus round!

Ah, I'd entirely forgotten about the Fukuin house stuff - yeah, you're right. I'm actually mildly disappointed by that, since it kind of nullifies the point on Shannon and Kanon's names being a reflection of their Ushiromiya heritage (since they're just names given out to all the orphans), and also the idea of having more personalities than just these 2 was kind of fun. I'd definitely be interested in seeing someone take a stab at a forgery with a third Yasu personality in the mix.

Seeing George projected onto Battler is definitely an interesting take, although I'm still a little concerned that this is falling more into "Ryukishi is horny" territory than a fully fleshed narrative idea. As much as I'd love to give him the benefit of the doubt, it's a bit too suspect given some of the treatment Rika and Satoko received in Higurashi. I suppose the real thing to see is whether this crops up again post-message bottles, or whether we can truly confine this to Yasu's writing.

[clown-stripe]

So like. I got diagnosed with *yet another* chronic illness two days ago. Doctor says I have fibromyalgia, which is what has been causing the constant full body pain that makes me feel like every inch of my skin is a bruise being pressed on 24/7

Which makes sense, and I’m glad to know that I’m not just crazy, because I’ve been in pain literally since I was born, to the point that I don’t have a single memory where this pain wasn’t present, at least in the background. So I really thought it was normal, and that everyone felt like this until it got a lot worse in the last few years that I’ve been dealing with flare ups of Crohn’s and lupus, but neither of those can explain the constant pain I feel underneath every inch of my skin

It’s a relief to get a diagnosis, because for a couple years now, since it started getting worse, I thought this feeling was just what people talk about when they say you reach your late 20’s and can’t neglect good habits anymore without feeling it. That this pain was just bundled alongside the feeling of getting sore + stiff from not exercising/sleeping well enough. I have wondered on several occasions how the hell everyone lives full lives with this kind of pain, or why more people don’t kill themselves upon finding out that they have to feel like this for decades??? Because sometimes I can’t bear the thought of feeling this pain every day for the rest of my stupid little life. I’m not strong enough to bear that burden when I’ve already lived 28 years with it and I feel tired all the way down to my fucking bone marrow from carrying this pain with me everywhere I go, even in my sleep, in my dreams I feel it because I’ve never *not* felt it and I have no idea what it feels like to not be plagued it.

But now that I know what’s wrong and there are treatment options to try? Maybe I’ll finally get to know what it’s like to not be in pain.

So the doctor gave me a new medicine for it to try that will hopefully make my nerves feel less, and I can actually do things again instead of just being in bed thinking about how bad the bed hurts against my skin and how gravity is a curse because I can’t just float so nothing is touching me and making my skin hurt. And all the ideas for various art to make I’ve been saving up for when I’m capable of sitting up and holding a pencil again can be worked on. I can finally take the drive out of my old busted laptop to get all of my concept drafts off of it because I only managed to save the most important/almost finished artworks on it before the battery swelled (and my fav version of photoshop too, because I’m an idiot and don’t commit which one it is to memory so I can just pirate it again, I just keep transferring the program files to install it again lmao)

Maybe I’ll actually get around to coming up with a permanent pseudonym to start posting my art under, and finally start sharing it outside of Snapchat where it disappears in 24 hours

[softsnzstuff]

JQ Sick at Christmas

WOW not me being actually like 3 weeks late to posting this. I’m so sorry! Just a soft lil JQ/JCB drabble.

Summary: J/oseph’s been rocking a fever/the flu for the last couple of days - sleeping mostly - but hot chocolate and Christmas movies is something he can’t resist. 🎄

PLEASE DONT REBLOG TO NON-KINK BLOGS

December 20

Jamie takes a sip of his coffee and starts singing along to ‘Do They Know It’s Christmas’ on the radio as he unpacks the small boxes of ornaments. The 8 foot noble fir has been standing tall but barren in their London apartment for over a week now.

Joe’s been asking to decorate for days, but one of them always had some work commitment or another. Now that it was so close to Christmas, they were both off work and ready to decorate.

Jamie had busted out the ornaments and string lights early that morning while Joe slept in. It wasn’t too unusual for him to relax more on off days but he was usually up by now.

As if on cue, Joe pads down the stairs in some black sweatpants and a Christmas jumper. He smiles when he sees that Jamie has started setting up already.

“Do we finally get to decorate?” He beamed.

“I thought we could.” Jamie smiled back, kissing him on the cheek. “Are you cold?”

It was December in London, but the heat was turned up. Jamie was in pajama pants and a white tee.

“Just thought I’d be festive.” Joe lied, looking at his jumper. He’d been chilly since the night prior and hadn’t been able to quite get warm yet.

Cheerful music rang out as they wrapped the lights around the tree. Once that was out of the way, they started picking ornaments out one by one and adding them to the branches.

Jamie was hanging up one of the new Stranger Things ornaments they got as a gag gift from Maya when he noticed Joseph had stopped and had the heel of his hand pressed to his temple.

“Alright love?”

“Nghh… yeah just a headache.”

“Want some paracetamol?” Jamie suggested.

“Sure.” Joe walked to the kitchen and opened the cupboard to find the bottle he was looking for. He tapped out two pills and swallowed them before rubbing at his nose with the back of his hand.

He tried to sniffle back the tickle that had settled in the back of his sinuses, but it only aggravated it further. Joe cupped a hand over his nose as he snapped at the waist.

“H’iKSHTiew!”

“Bless you!” Jamie called out from the next room.

“… H’aeITSCHew! snfsnff”

“And again!”

Joe popped back into the living room, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jumper. Jamie hung the ornament he was holding on the tree and pulled Joe into a hug.

“Are you getting sick, darling?” Jamie mumbled into his ear.

Joe pulled back from the hug and tried to give Jamie his most convincing gaze. “I’m fine.”

*****

December 24

“I need you to open your mouth for me, sweetheart.” Jamie purrs softly as he perches on the edge of their King bed.

Joe blindly obliges as his partner slides the cool metal instrument under his tongue. After telling Jamie he was fine when they decorated the tree earlier in the week, he quickly developed a sore throat. The congestion had set in by that evening, and the next morning, he’d woken up with a fever.

The younger man has been in bed for the better part of the last 4 days, either sleeping or watching mindless tv. He feels woozy as Jamie runs a cold hand over his clammy forehead and through his hair, almost like he’s floating. He somehow feels too hot and too cold and his whole body feels like jelly.

A faint beeping snaps him out of his fevered trance, just long enough to see Jamie frown at him.

“38.8°C ((102°F)).” He sighs, “You just stay in bed today and let me know if you need anything, yeah?”

Joe blinks slowly and nods his head slightly, his body disagreeing with the movement. Jamie disappears and he slowly falls into a deep sleep.

***

The thirty three year old keeps himself entertained for a few hours downstairs, reading, cleaning and playing some quiet guitar.

He eats dinner by himself - Joe’s not had an appetite for the last two or three days despite Jamie trying to get him to eat some toast or applesauce.

After dinner he heads upstairs to see if Joe needs anything. The younger man is down for the count, fast asleep with lips slightly parted as congested snores fill the room.

Trying to be quiet, Jamie tidies up a bit, binning the tissues scattered around the floor, taking the empty tea mugs to be washed in the kitchen, and leaving a new ice water on the bedside stand next to the paracetamol and tissues.

He heads back downstairs, wanting to do something Christmassy. It is Christmas Eve after all. He throws on ‘Love, Actually’, a quintessential British classic, and sets a small plate of Christmas cookies on the table next to Joe’s bottles of DayQuil and NyQuil from earlier.

He heats up some homemade hot chocolate on the stove before making himself comfortable on the couch to watch the film.

Ant and Dec pop on the screen to introduce Billy Mack when Jamie hears coughing coming from upstairs.

A few moments later, he sees Joe slowly (and tiredly) making his way down the stairs with a blanket draped over his shoulders. His eyes have a fever glaze to them, complimenting his flushed cheeks.

“What’re you doing out of bed Joseph?” Jamie stands up to pull him into a hug.

“SNF! Wanted to spend time with you on Christmas.” He said innocently.

Jamie melted slightly, easing Joe onto the couch, “Alright love. Can I get you some dinner?”

Jamie knew the attempt was futile. He expected the answer before it came.

Joe leaned back into the couch cushions and rubbed at his nose with a knuckle. “N’dot hu’gry. iiTSCHuhew! H’eKSHTiew!”

“Bless you!”

Joe pouted and groaned slightly.

“What about some hot chocolate? Think you can drink some of that?”

Joe nodded after a minute of contemplation. Jamie pressed the warm mug to his partners hands and sat down next to him, pulling him close.

“Sorry I m’bessed up all of our Christm’bas plans.” Joe murmured apologetically.

Jamie kissed the top of his head.

“You didn’t ruin any plans. The best Christmas is just spending it with you.”