#but i can crucify him as a favor i guess

[sculptorofcrimson]

If i write Lanius getting his shit absolutely railed, would you please please please stop yapping about Fallout yaoi on my feed?

[shenrickyz]

UNKNOWN

5 times seojun makes sure to look after jisung, and 1 time jisung returns the favor

FEATURING ᝢ kang seojun, park jisung, & nct dream ensemble. WARNINGS ᝢ 5+1 things, mentions of mark's graduation, overworking, and implications of depression. WORD COUNT ᝢ 9k  NOTES ᝢ okay okay so HIII!! first of all, this is for the biggest seoji fan ever aka @junjiie, also my bsf ever jj we all love you ☹️💟 second of all, this doesn't even scratch the surface when it comes to seoji, their dynamic is so intricate that i can't even to explain them bc i'll go crazy and start sobbing uncontrollably from how much i love them 😭😭 third, yes this is a 5+1 thing, going back to my ao3 roots and shit, you will never know the name of my account btw..🙁 just know there were a lot of weak hero things on there, i miss ao3 (i got locked out of my account), anyway, yeah this is a very experimental i wrote through many many all nighters and many iced coffees, but now it's done, seojun might be one of my fav nct ocs sorry zixin & niko 💗 seojun cutest person ever wbk!! okay bye bye dont crucify me pls 🙏

one

jisung is on one of his nightly walks again.

nightly walks around the dorm that is, he isn't about to go outside at one in the morning, one; because renjun would definitely kill him if he ever found, and two; he doesn't need fresh air right now.

jisung finds his own body confusing, he's tired, but can't sleep. the ground is practically stabbing his feet, but he's already walked seven circles around the couch in this short amount of time. he feels out of it, he craves something, not food, he's not hungry, he's not thirsty either, he doesn't know exactly he feels. he's sleepless, yeah, but sleep probably won't do the trick.

thoughts are rampant in jisung's mind, many thoughts. the fucking comeback, the hours of practice he's gonna subject himself to, the hours of recording they'll have to endure, the hours he's spent without even eating, how is he still alive? he might collapse onto the floor in this very moment and sleep just like that.

but instead of that, jisung (or his feet, he guesses) has other plans. he stops his tenth lap around the couch and beelines towards seojun's room, those thoughts still rampant in his mind as he starts his way there.

seojun always pulls all-nighters, he truly only needs 3 hours of sleep to thrive in this world (his words, not jisung's). the other doesn't really get how that's healthy, considering seojun's a dancer, and he's constantly up 24/7, sleep should one of his top priorities, jisung doesn't understand how he never gets tired, but he guesses the constant need to be doing something is a huge factor.

the light in his room is on, jisung can see from the crack under the door, and even if it wasn't on, seojun is always awake. he lightly twists the doorknob, peaking his head through the opened door.

seojun is, of course, doing like three things at once. he's cleaning his glasses, has a book open, and is singing along to a song playing in his mind. when he hears the door open, he glances up, smiling at the sight of his fellow 02 liner. "hi, what's up?"

jisung pauses, holding the door with his shoulder so he can use his right hand to scratch his arm, he shrugs, licking his lips. "can't sleep" he says easily, and seojun just hums, sitting up.

he doesn't say any more, patting the spot beside him on his bed, beckoning for jisung to sit with him. the younger doesn't think twice before closing the door behind him (gently though, because hikari has issues with noise). the moment he sits himself down with seojun, he feels comfortable, cozy.

"why'd you come to my room?"

"you were the only one awake".

a lie, a pretty obvious one too. jisung knows hikari is also awake, he usually gets plagued with sleeplessness when comeback preparations roll around. jisung doesn't really know why he lied, it's not like seojun would reprimand him or anything.

seojun doesn't need to know it was a lie, though.

"mmh" seojun looks back to his glasses, putting the napkin back in the case. "why can't you sleep, ji?" he asks, glancing down at the book he'd previously been reading.

jisung glances down as well, eyes focusing on seojun's bracelet. "i don't know.." he mutters, beginning to fiddle with seojun's blanket, his nose scrunched as he takes in a deep breath. "just thinking, i guess".

"ah" seojun puts on his glasses and shakes his head. jisung always thought seojun looked exceptionally pretty like this— not that seojun isn't usually exceptionally pretty, jisung just thinks he looks so good in this current state. somewhat messy hair, reading glasses on, no makeup, just.. seojun. "so what? you want me to read you a story or something?"

"no i just.." jisung pauses, scouring his mind for the right words to say. seojun's eyes go back and forth, between the younger and pages on the book before him. "i'm just— i'm thinking too much, i need to just sit down and be fine".

jisung doesn't really think the words make sense, but seojun gets it, and jisung can see that he does with the way his eyes soften. "so you just want to sit in silence?" he asks, fingers caressing the cover of the book in his hands. jisung's eyes follow seojun's fingers, humming lightly.

"not really.. can we just talk?"

"about what?"

jisung groans, covering his face with his hands. "i don't know just.. stuff" anything to distract him from his irritating thoughts, he doesn't want to think about the comeback, or the performance, or sm, or anything pertaining to that, he just wants to talk about stupid shit, talking with seojun will relax his mind. "just don't be quiet".

"well lucky for you, park, i'm a professional loud mouth".

oh do i know.

jisung makes himself comfortable, lying his head down on one of seojun's many pillows. the older simply smiles down at him, glancing back at his book and only skimming the page before turning it. "what's keeping you up tonight?"

"comeback thoughts" jisung answers immediately, getting only a small hum from the older. "i don't know, i'm nervous, anxious, worried that i'll slip up and put the whole group in jeopardy?"

his tone is questioning, like he's even confused on why he's having such thoughts, but seojun doesn't reply. the silence isn't a taunting silence, one where jisung can tell seojun is making fun of him in his mind, it's more of a silence of solace, jisung likes how the air in the room feels, his thoughts aren't yelling at him right now, they're silent, they don't bother him. "is that weird?"

"it's weird that you think you'll ever mess up" the park almost rolls his eyes at the kang's words, but he doesn't interrupt him. "you're an amazing member, jisung, you're talented, you never slip up, and you'd never bring down the group".

"you're just saying that to make me feel better.."

"i say it all the time, though" seojun adds, and jisung has to admit, he is right, but he wants to remain stubborn, wants to ignore his reddening cheeks. "and i mean it, ji, don't ever think about yourself like that, you're important, and everyone thinks so".

the words make jisung pause, he doesn't have an immediate answer for them. seojun is just so good at doing that, making him speechless. it's not like what he said was new or revolutionary, seojun says shit like this all the time, it's just something about him, not exactly his words.

seojun makes jisung feel things he can't explain.

jisung's silence doesn't bug the older, who just takes his hand, intertwining their fingers. "you— we'll be fine".

"we always are, aren't we?"

at the words, seojun snickers, unconsciously tightening his hold on jisung's hand. "yeah, we always are".

two

these days, jisung is easily tired.

maybe it's just the back to back promotions, having to learn five new choreographies and master them so he doesn't make a mistake on stage, so he doesn't upset any of the members. they're all having a rough time as well, he can't even begin to imagine how mark and donghyuck feel, knowing they have to do these promotions and also prepare for their upcoming 127 comeback (and apparently with a song they hate too, donghyuck is not a fan of sticker).

jisung just chalks up his exhaustion to the many hours he trudges around the practice room, doing the same dance seventeen times with minimal breaks, no sleep, then waking up and having to repeat the next day.

and jisung thinks it'll all be fine, because he has never actually ever been behind. if he has to force himself to learn a new choreography, he will, he doesn't care if one of his legs falls off, by the time jisung is seventy, he's probably still gonna be dancing himself to death.

so here jisung is, trying his best to keep his eyes open as he stares out the window of the van. it's way too late, schedules took way too long today, jisung just can't wait to get home, to lie down on his bed, and let the sleep take him away.

but for now, he's awake, wide awake. he's not exactly sure why he's keeping himself awake, some dumb reason he can't explain through the fatigue plaguing his own body. it's not like no one else is asleep, chenle dozed off forty five minutes ago, hikari and jeno are both gone, laying their heads on each other. it looks like sleep is about to take jaemin away pretty soon, renjun is silently sleeping in the seat in front of them, whilst mark and haechan are watching stupid videos, tired, but not tired as if they're about to sleep.

and seojun, seojun is wide awake.

seojun is always wide awake, jisung can never get it. seojun is one of the youngest members, and young people need sleep (that's what everyone says, at least), but every time jisung looks at seojun, he's awake. jisung doesn't know the last time he's seen seojun sleep— of course he sleeps, but jisung hasn't seen him doze off in a long time, the older must be an owl or something.

jisung finally stops looking out of the window, glancing over at seojun beside him. he takes his time observing the older. seojun is listening to music, a cnblue song, jisung can hear it faintly from his headphones. he lightly chuckles at the fact, and it seems that seojun hears him, removing one of his headphones. "did you say something?"

jisung suddenly startles, shaking his head through the tiredness attacking his body. "no i just.. nothing i said nothing".

seojun blinks, humming. he turns off his headphones, taking them off. "why aren't you sleeping?"

the question puzzles jisung. "what do you mean?"

"you're tired".

it's not a question, the words that escape seojun's lips are a remark, a statement. he isn't asking jisung if he's tired, if he wants to sleep, he's telling jisung that he's tired.

"that's funny" jisung replies, it's not surprising for seojun to have predicted this, it's obvious that he's tired, there are clear bags under his eyes, he can barely speak above a whisper, and he keeps having to pick himself up when his head starts slipping down, beckoning him to such a desirable slumber. "you just.. know?"

"it's pretty obvious" seojun responds, he doesn't display any kind of exhaustion, something that is absolutely stunning to jisung. seojun should be knocked out cold, he always does so much, but he never seems to ever be tired, he has to be some sort of superhuman, how does he survive without sleep? jisung will never know. "and i know you".

jisung could never disagree with that. sometimes, he thinks seojun might be a mind reader. he always knows when it comes to jisung, he can pick apart the smallest things, notice the smallest differences, and can somehow always know what he's thinking. on certain occasions, it freaks out jisung, just how much seojun knows, but on most occasions, it just confuses jisung.

"yeah, you know me so well.." jisung mutters, his tone is meant to come off as sarcastic, but seojun clearly can't notice because of how low he says it. he looks down at his feet, bumping them together.

"you should sleep".

jisung disagrees, he doesn't know why, he just wants to stay awake, staying awake is what he wants to do. "i'm not.. sleepy".

"you're a terrible liar" seojun chuckles, merely glancing at his phone before focusing all of his attention on the maknae. "you can sleep, you know, i'll wake you up when we get back".

"i don't wanna sleep".

"yes you do".

"no i don't".

"you do".

"i don't".

this childish back and forth comes out of nowhere, and it goes on for much longer than it should. it's nothing serious, playful bantering like this between the two has always been prominent in their relationship, arguing over stupid things has always been a them thing to do.

"will you stop fighting me on this?" seojun asks, his voice softening. "there's nothing wrong with sleeping, why don't you want to?"

"if i sleep, i'll sleep for too long".

seojun raises an eyebrow, clicking his tongue (a habit which makes jisung's stomach flip in ways that are so strange), a small hum leaves his lips and he leans back in his seat. "why's that a bad thing?"

"because i have to wake up early tomorrow to get extra practice in".

seojun laughs again, his laughter is a pretty harmony, one jisung loves witnessing. he doesn't mean to focus on it so much, the curve of seojun's mouth that is, but he does, he can't stop himself.

he feels himself get flicked in the head by the older, and a small yelp escapes his lips. "you dummy, that's really what your worried about?"

"dummy? you could at least not insult me.." jisung frowns, rubbing his forehead as he reels from the flick from seojun.

"seriously jisung, you need sleep".

jisung scoffs. "that's ironic for you to say" his words make seojun snort, he can't disagree with that. he's much too lively at a time like this, after the day they had, seojun still finds time to be awake, even while most of the members let their exhaustion take them away to dreamland. "you never sleep".

"this isn't about me, though" classic seojun, deflecting from anything pertaining to him and focusing on jisung. "it's alright if you sleep, i'll make sure to wake you up for your early practice".

the words come out in a joking way, but jisung knows seojun is serious when he says them, he just knows seojun, he knows how he is. seojun is always going to look after him, no matter how stubborn jisung tries to be, the older will never truly let him. taking care of him is his thing, jisung thinks the other will be looking after him until he dies.

and he wouldn't really mind it anyway.

"i—"

"jisung" seojun grits his teeth, the tone is a warning, the kind of tone mark uses with the group when they're acting like idiots. jisung thinks it's so weird when seojun talks like this, because energetic, childish, outgoing seojun should never be sporting a tone like this. "don't argue with me, you need to sleep, i'll wake you up, you know it".

i do. but jisung doesn't say that, he just lets out a tired chuckle, shaking his head. "you're so assertive.." he mutters, scooting closer and leaning his head down onto seojun's shoulder.

"anything to make sure you get sleep" seojun carts his hand through jisung's hair, an easier way to coax him to sleep, but jisung doesn't think it was on purpose, just seojun being seojun. "i'll wake you up tomorrow, and when we get back".

he doesn't need to reiterate his words for jisung to know, seojun is always going to take care of him, making sure everything is going okay with him. "uh huh, thanks".

though jisung says those words with a tone of mild irritation, he doesn't mean it.

and seojun knows, because he always knows.

three

"hyung have you seen my—oh.."

jisung can't even focus on what he's looking for anymore, because he walks into the kitchen turned bakery and experiences a type of whiplash he doesn't think could ever be replicated. he's met with the immediate aroma of chocolate chips, cookies, cookies are being made. he stops in his tracks, because the sudden chocolate chips which litter his nose aren't the only surprise.

"oh hi jisungie!" jaemin exclaims, quickly taking jisung's attention away from everything else. "what were you looking for?" jisung feels like his mind has gone blank as he tries to figure out everything he needs to articulate right now.

"my uh.. my watch" he responds, but the watch is the furthest thing on his mind. "why are you all, baking?" he finally asks, catching the attention of his fellow members.

"were doing something nice for mark!" renjun exclaims, his words muffled, his mouth is full of something. "celebrating golden hours release!"

ah, that makes sense. jisung finds the gesture cute, how they're gathering together to do something nice for mark, he really is special to them. all of them. "oh, so you're making just cookies?" he asks, not knowing what to do, so he just stands awkwardly.

"no, were making brownies too".

"were trying to make brownies" jaemin corrects, making donghyuck whip his head back to glare at him. "you didn't even get the right cocoa powder for the recipe".

"okay and? the brownies will still be good it's not like mark will even notice!"

and just like that, the pair begin arguing. wow, how fitting for them. jisung is quick to tune out of their argument, instead walking around to the other side of the kitchen counter, making his way to a certain someone.

seojun had been quiet the whole time, which is, frankly, unusual. jisung notices immediately how focused he is on making sure the cookie dough and chocolate chips mix together perfectly, so focused that he doesn't even look up to greet jisung when the younger stands beside him.

"hello? earth to seojun?" jisung calls out, suddenly craving the older males attention. the kang finally looks up, but he doesn't pause his aggressive mixing, his arm continuing to do it's thing. "are you okay?"

"hm? yeah, why wouldn't i be?"

"well.. you're quiet" jisung immediately remarks, opting to tell seojun about his newfound observation instead of making small talk. "that's weird".

seojun snickers, poking jisung's cheek (a gesture which the younger pretends to be annoyed by). "i just need to make sure these cookies are perfect, i want mark hyung to like it.."

he pokes his tongue through his inner cheek, and jisung simply nods. he gets it, seojun's need to impress mark goes way back, all the way back to their trainee days, where an eleven year old seojun would do extra well in practice just to get better praises from mark. "he will, when have you ever disappointed him?"

jisung can't do the complimenting as well as seojun does, but at least they have the same affect, because seojun smiles. a small, cute stretch that highlights his pretty pink lips.

jisung has no idea why he's staring there anyway..

"you know what, you're right, i shouldn't be stressing so much about this, these are just baked treats at the end of the day".

"glad you can see that".

the pair go unnaturally silent, the chatter of their fellow members still prominent in their ears, but nothing else seemed to matter to the 02 liners. jisung doesn't break the silence, intertwining his finger with seojun's. seojun has pretty hands, is that weird of jisung to say? no, he doesn't think it is. the rings that litter his fingers fit him so well, a barrage of gold and silver metal that compliment him perfectly.

seojun, who also doesn't say anything, just takes the act of affection as it is. his lips part, as if he wants to say something, but he immediately closes them, staying silent. jisung doesn't try to force seojun to talk, seojun doesn't try to force jisung to talk, they just stand there with their fingers laced together, comfortable in the silence overtaking them.

then suddenly, the two of them engage in a high end staring content. at this point, everyone else seems to be absolutely useless, the only thing mattering in the moment being them and their little staring competition. jisung loses almost immediately, because he does the stupid thing and lets his eyes wander down towards seojun's lips, totally not purposefully of course!

seojun laughs at the direction his eyes go, and it makes jisung immediately look up, blinking at the older.

but before he can say anything, chenle's familiar pterodactyl screech sounds in their ears.

"SEOJUNIE! COME HELP ME PLEASE!"

the shout is enough to snap seojun and jisung out of their thing, and jisung's cheeks flare up immediately, he forgot everyone else was still here. seojun snaps out of his little daze much more naturally though, even with the red hue that tints his cheeks.

"coming!" seojun quickly looks back to jisung. "uh.. do this for me? please?" jisung could never really refuse, even if seojun was really just asking him to stir cookie dough and chocolate chips for him. "i'll pay you back".

"no no it's fine go help chenle" jisung whispers, not knowing if he could speak without his voice cracking. seojun smiles at him, a pretty smile, then quickly lets go of his bowl (and jisung's hand) to go and help the yelling chinese with whatever issue is plaguing him.

jisung takes over seojun's former job of stirring together cookie dough and chocolate chips whilst the older helps chenle with his issue. he listens to the continuous bickering of renjun and donghyuck, trying his best to ignore jaemin's knowing gaze, he feels it burning holes through the back of his head.

seojun isn't gone for too long, as he comes back giggling and ruffling chenle's hair. "thank you, jisungie" he whispers, quickly taking the bowl of now mixed cookie dough and chocolate chips away from the maknae.

"no problem" jisung politely smiles, not even looking seojun in the eye, but the older seems to find his awkwardness cute, because he pinches the younger's cheeks. "what was that about?"

"what? with chenle?"

no, the other thing. jisung is referring to their little staring contest, that random moment they had, where no one else seemed to matter, like it was just them in the room and nothing else was going on, but jisung doesn't want to ask about that while everyone else is still in the room. "yeah.. uh— with chenle".

seojun narrows his eyes, but just hums, beginning to shape the cookie dough so it can start baking. "chenle just couldn't reach for something, he needed my help".

"ah" jisung hums, chewing on his bottom lip as he averts eye contact with the older, who blinks at his sudden silence. "are all of these enough?" he abruptly asks, changing the subject, much to the dismay of seojun. "mark hyung won't ask for more?"

"if he does ask for more we'll just make more!" hikari shouts from another part of the room, answering jisung's question instead of seojun, who smiles, agreeing with his answer. "it won't be that hard".

jisung hums again, having no idea how to start up another conversation. "anything i can do to help?"

"you don't have to do much" seojun responds, finally turning away from the baking cookies and back to the maknae. "unless you want to be apart of haechan and jaemin hyungs argument about cocoa powder".

jisung snorts, humored by the suggestion. "no i think i'll pass.."

"speaking of jaemin hyung, did you find your watch yet?" seojun asks, and the realization suddenly dawns on jisung, he totally forgot that he was originally looking for his watch this whole entire time. "you haven't even tried to look for it?"

"i did! but then i got sidetracked by the baking and cookies and those two arguing over cocoa powder!"

seojun chuckles at jisung's response, cupping his face as he coos at the other. everything jisung does is cute, but everyone else thinks that as well!

it's just different when it's seojun..

"you're such an idiot, jisungie".

the nickname is stupid, but jisung loves when seojun says it (but he can't say that out loud, because the other members would pout about it all day). he doesn't mean to pick favorites, he just thinks seojun is extra adorable with the way he does things, and no that is not biased.

seojun continues shaking his head, sighing. "your watch is in my room".

jisung blinks, puzzled by the words. "my watch is in your— how did it even get there?"

"you tell me, i didn't even know it was there until like twenty minutes ago, you probably put it there and just don't remember".

"but that doesn't make sense i—"

"COOKIES ARE READY!"

jisung, again, gets cut off by a loud shout, and both 02 liners immediately whip their heads towards the second eldest, who jumps up happily at the sound of the oven dinging, indicating that the cookies were ready. "jeez, why is everyone yelling today?"

seojun snickers at the comment, head still turned away from jisung. "they have to combat the other shouting hyungs somehow" he mutters, patting jisung on the shoulder before going to hikari's side, helping him with the cookies.

once they're placed onto the kitchen counter, an immediate argument starts between renjun and donghyuck, who are talking about uneven chocolate chips or something. jaemin is begging hikari to try a cookie, but the older doesn't give into his demands, and it seems that he's working a double shift, because he's making sure to slap chenle's approaching hand away each time it gets closer to the plate. jeno, on the other hand, is just standing by, helping his bo— hikari by also shooing chenle away from the batch of cookies.

jisung is just staying silent, standing by as his members get up to their own things. seojun, again, comes back to his former spot beside him. the older doesn't say anything, just reaches for jisung's hand and laces their fingers together. "what?"

"what?"

"why the sudden hand holding?"

"we were doing this before.." seojun mutters, and jisung doesn't try to shake his grip off or anything, just allows for seojun to intertwine their fingers. he smiles lightly at the fact, a smile that doesn't go unnoticed by seojun. "you like holding my hand".

"don't get too cocky".

jisung allows for his eyes to cast towards the plate of cookies on the table, and seojun notices right away, because of course seojun notices right away. "what? you want one?"

confusion colors jisung's face, and he shakes his head. "i mean yeah but hii would never let m—"

seojun doesn't wait for him to finish, grabbing a cookie from the plate and handing it over to jisung. "he's occupied with jeno hyung, he won't mind".

"but what about mark hyung?"

seojun snickers, taking jisung's hand and putting the cookie in it. "he won't mind, i'm making an exception for you, everyone will get it" jisung wants to protest, but he can't, because who is he to turn down the lovely seojun's lovely offer?

"don't worry, i'll cover for you if hii or injunie ever finds out" seojun whispers, giving a short glance to the older members in the room before raising his pinkie towards jisung's. jisung uses his free hand to take his pinkie and intertwine it with his. "pinkie swear".

jisung laughs, even if there is a cookie in his mouth. though he can't respond, seojun gets what he means, smiling lightly at him.

four

"are you going for an insomniac world record or something?"

the question makes jisung snap out of his little late night daze, and the moment he catches sight of seojun, a tired smile makes its way to his lips. the older comes up to the couch and ruffles his hair, an equally tired smile on his lips as he then turns away to go get himself some water. "i'm not an insomniac, sleeping is just becoming difficult these days".

"anything in particular keeping you up?"

jisung pauses, taking a yawn. of course there's a lot keeping him up, the groups future, mark's graduation, other upcoming graduations, what all of that means for the group in general, his role as a member of the group, but he doesn't say all of that, just hums as a response to seojun's question. "a lot".

"don't wanna elaborate?"

"not now".

the older 02 liner makes his way around the couch, throwing jisung's legs off to make space for himself. the younger groans, but ultimately allows seojun to do so, as the younger quickly takes his place on the couch. "don't whine you big baby".

jisung frowns, but ultimately lets his legs fall off the couch. he enjoys seojun's company, he doesn't want the older to leave. he likes that he's here. "i'm not whining, just annoyed that you made me move".

"you can always just kick me off the couch" yeah, jisung can, but that doesn't mean he will. he feels much more relaxed with the older there. he would never make seojun leave a room, he enjoys being around him.

"yeah.." jisung mutters. he's bored, overwhelmed with thoughts, and he feels like everything is going wrong. "but i'm lazy" he answers quickly, a good excuse, seojun won't suspect a thing.

the older hums, silent. he observes jisung for a moment, eyes scanning his body, he pauses for a moment, fingers picking at a spot on the couch, and then he stands up, sighing. "get up".

surprise colors jisung's face. "what?"

"up, i'm gonna give you a massage".

jisung blinks, completely puzzled about what the hell seojun must've picked up on. "a massage? why do you want to give me a.."

"your posture's gonna go to shit if i don't" jisung picks up on the uncharacteristic swear, but he can't exactly argue with seojun. so, begrudgingly, the maknae sits up and sighs, he always ends up giving into seojun doesn't he?

"my posture is fine" jisung argues silently, lightly wincing as he feels seojun's thumbs make contact with his back. the older gives the younger a look of bewilderment. "what?"

"why did you even wince?"

"because.. your fingers are cold".

seojun chuckles at the response, starting off much more gently this time. "your shirt is that thin?"

jisung lets out a short breath, looking away from the older. "yes, it's also the middle of the night and everything that touches me feels cold, seojun".

"no need to be such a pessimist".

jisung yawns, closing his eyes as seojun kneads the muscles in his back. he has to admit, he is getting the slightest bit relaxed. "not pessimistic just tired".

seojun hums once again, a small smile coming to his that he doesn't allow jisung to see. "so what's bothering you?"

"hm?"

"what's bothering you? tell me" seojun responds immediately. "is it mark hyung?"

jisung's silence is enough of an answer to him. seojun makes an indescribable sound, then takes a deep breath. "you miss mark?"

"everyone misses mark" jisung finally opens his eyes. "it's not just mark it's.. everything, the group, the company, future promotions, the stupid graduation system, all i want is for us to  be like how we were when we debuted but now mark hyung is gone and hii has all this added stress and.. i don't know what to do, it's all eating me up inside".

jisung then lets another wave of silence hit as he finishes his long spew of words. seojun doesn't respond immediately, taking in the words and thinking of a response, but jisung doesn't doubt seojun, because he always knows what he needs.

"i just want everything to be okay—"

"it will be" seojun cuts in, a weary escaping his lips as he pokes his tongue through his inner cheek. "it's important to remember that you can always come to me with things like this, it's alright to talk about how you feel and i just.. i don't want you to feel like your alone in these thoughts because you're not and.."

jisung hears seojun's voice break, and when he glances back at the older, he's looking somewhere else, fingers still gently kneading jisung's back as he tries his best to think of what to say next. "i don't know, it always feels hard to think clearly these days".

jisung's face falls, seojun doesn't disclose things like this, he'd rather die before ever crying in front of anyone. he bites his bottom lip, but seojun shakes off whatever he was previously thinking, lightly laughing to himself. "sorry i don't know where that came from".

"no no no it's fine it's good to talk about how you feel".

seojun snickers, humored. "well now you sound like me" he turns jisung's head back forward, being only the gentlest with him, of course. the older treats jisung as if he's a fragile piece of glass. "i know i'm usually jokey or whatever but.. i don't know i'm just worried for the future of the group, i don't know what i'm going to do after graduating".

jisung blinks. "what's that supposed to mean?"

seojun goes silent for a few moments, letting out a small sigh. "seorin and i were talking about it once, how following graduation i'd probably leave the group".

just the three words 'leave the group' are enough to make jisung's stomach drop, he feels like he's about to throw up just hearing them. seojun can't leave.. what would that be like? how would jisung fare well if seojun wasn't around?

"what do you mean leave?"

seojun sighs. "jisung—"

"you can't leave! you're not going anywhere, your— your staying" jisung doesn't ask, he states, all seojun can do is pause his little ministrations and try to calm down the youngest.

"jisung—"

"why did that conversation even come up?"

"because we were just talking and.." seojun hides his face behind his hands. "i don't know, i don't have much use after i graduate i'll just be tossed out by sm, it doesn't really matter what i do".

"yes it does" jisung presses, grabbing seojun's hands. "you're not leaving the group, i'm not going to let you".

seojun allows for himself to laugh. "you're not going to let me?"

"no, and chenle won't either, probably, you can't go it'll just—" jisung pauses, gathering his words. "it won't be the same without you".

seojun stays silent for a while, basking in the feeling of jisung's hand in his own and their breathing in the now soundless living room. "okay, i'm sorry i just.." he twirls a strand of hair between his finger. "i don't know, i was just in a bad spot when i brought that up, i'm just not feeling my greatest".

jisung frowns again, now upset that the older is upset. "it's really fine, if you want to talk about it we can.."

"no, we don't have to" seojun quickly dismisses, waving off jisung's words. the maknae narrows his eyes, a look of pity in them that he knows seojun hates more than anything. "just— let's finish with this stupid massage and get you to sleep".

"what about you?"

"what about me?"

right. jisung doesn't know what he should've expected, seojun putting himself first is one of the rarest sights he'll ever behold in his lifetime. he sighs lightly as the older continues with the gentle pressing of fingers into his back, slowly feeling himself get sleepy from the ministrations. "on another note, i'm pretty sure seorin hates me".

seojun giggles. "seorin does not hate you, she literally told me she likes you!"

"then she must've been lying cause i don't remember the last time she looked at me like she wanted me in the room".

seojun narrows his eyes at jisung, finding the statement about his sister hard to believe. "she'll warm up to you eventually".

jisung frowns, sending seojun an 'are you serious?' look. he often feels awkward around seorin, yeah she's nice and everything but she always glares daggers at jisung, he assumes it's all unintentional, but it doesn't stop him from being endlessly intimidated by her.

seojun can't believe the words escaping jisung's lips, because to him, seorin is probably the least intimidating person he knows, but he also knows her better than anyone else. "i hope that eventually is soon because i can't deal with feeling like your own twin sister hates me".

"she doesn't" seojun reassures once again, stopping his message and placing his chin on jisung's shoulders. "can't you trust me on this?"

jisung finally gets to look at seojun closer, though he rarely has to turn his head to get a good look at the older. "i always trust you" he whispers unconsciously, he originally meant to think that, but judging by seojun's reaction, he knows that he indeed did not think it, and he said it out loud.

if there's any sign of a red hue on seojun's face, he quickly shakes it away and clears his throat. "alright um— massage over, it's time to sleep".

seojun quickly moves away from jisung, whose silently confused about his change in behavior. "seojun?"

"hm?"

"can i uh.." jisung pauses, he doesn't stand up right away, feeling seojun poke his cheek and then pull it. "can i stay in your room tonight?"

seojun chuckles immediately, probably his fastest response to jisung this whole night. "of course, you didn't have to ask" jisung knows that, seojun would've even made the offer himself, that's just the way he is.

jisung just knows how seojun is, he's become very in tune with the older.

"okay come on, you need sleep".

and what else can jisung do but follow?

five

"it's cold".

if jisung knew having to promote in the middle of the december meant he'd be provided a sweater only half the time, he would've faked a sickness or something. don't get him wrong, all the songs are so fun to perform, but he was never truly on board with the whole winter special album thing, he likes performing in not so hot but not so cold temperatures. having to promote in the middle of december is not his thing, even with him being a winter baby himself.

he felt as if he wasn't made for the cold.

"you've been saying that for the past five minutes, we get it jisung-ah".

jisung gasps at the comment from jaemin, feigning offense at the words. he doesn't care if he has to repeat it another seven times, he will, it's unbearably cold in this waiting room, and jisung isn't wearing anything that covers his arms. of course he isn't the only one here without a sweater, hikari is currently on his phone, trying his best not to shudder, and jaemin seems to be happy in all of his sweater-less glory, probably because he gets to show off his arms or something.

"well as i will continue to say that! it's freezing in here!" jisung exclaims, a frown on his face as he earns nothing but a laugh from his fellow members. he crosses his arms, looking away from the rest of the group in fake anger. "i'm the maknae, you guys should be caring for me.."

"just ask noona for a sweater".

"i— she's busy i don't want to waste her time!" jisung is quick to yell, but he really just doesn't know how to approach her, he doesn't want to make anything awkward. he also just really hates asking for help, so he lets the goosebumps begin appearing on his skin, trying his best not to shiver in the freezing temperature of the room.

"then stop complaining if you won't ask" jisung snaps his head towards chenle, opening his mouth to make some snippy remark, but he's quickly cut off by the small sound of the door colliding with the wall. "we're back~!"

in walks mark and, of course, seojun, who are wearing joyous smiles on their faces, plastic bags in their hands. jisung hums at the sight of them, whilst donghyuck jumped up excitedly at the sight of the leader and second youngest. "did you get them!?"

mark sighs, pretending to be disappointed that the snacks they went to get are all donghyuck cares about. "yes, we got them, we got enough as well".

"we've been saved! thank you!"

jisung watches the members rush to get the snacks they so desperately begged the others for, he doesn't really want anything, he's not hungry at the moment. so now the members are gorging on their little treats, their hearts happy, thanks to mark and seojun. "you don't want anything?"

"hm? no, i'm fine" jisung responds quickly, but then he feels uncomfortable again, trying his best to keep calm in this terribly freezing room. "it's just so cold!"

mark raises an eyebrow. "you're cold?"

"what do you mean? it's very cold in here.." hikari chimes in, clearly shivering when he mutters those words. the leader, whose wearing a jacket, has no idea what kind of cold these two could even be feeling at the moment. "jisung's been professing that for the past hour".

"not the past hour! it's just.. very cold" jisung reiterates for pretty much the hundredth time that hour, trying his best to warm himself up by rubbing his hands together.

"you guys are cold? i'm hot" seojun comments, unzipping his sweater as he stares at his fellow 02 liner, who gives him a dumbfounded look, it seems that hikari also shares the sentiment jisung has in his head.

"that's cause you're weird! you never get cold!"

"well it's not cold!"

"it's never cold for you!"

jisung exchanges glances between the two nct sei members, humored by their small argument about the weird temperature physics regarding seojun's body. jisung finds seojun confusing, he's constantly energetic but never tired, constantly hot but never cold, what kind of a person is he?

"jeez your shivering.."

jisung flinches the moment seojun's finger graces his goosebump filled arm, his hands are always so cold, he thinks seojun might be a walking ice block, elsa's long lost cousin or something, he's always so cold, a clear contrast to his personality. "yeah i'm shivering! do you not the feel the below zero temperature in this room?"

"nope, your whining so much, you could at least take it like a champ like jaemin hyung".

jisung scoffs, wrapping his own arms around himself in other attempt to try and heat himself up manually. he gives a frown, and his fellow 02 liner does nothing but laugh at his display. "are you enjoying my misery, seojunie?"

"very much".

"of course you are" jisung crosses his arms, turning away from seojun with that same frown remaining on his face. he hears the kang chuckle again behind him, and a small shuffle he can't exactly explain.

it's not until jisung feels someone put something over his shoulder, that he realizes what happened.

seojun took off his sweater, and gave it to jisung.

the maknae immediately feels rebuttal, moving to take the sweater off but only feeling seojun's hand get placed on his shoulder. "don't even think about taking it off".

jisung sighs, shaking his head. "seojun i'm not wearing this.."

"you said you were cold, right? take the sweater" seojun doesn't seem to care, seeing that he looks virtually unaffected by the freezing temperature of the room. jisung's about to disagree again, and seojun can tell before he even opens his mouth.

"jun, i was just being overdramatic i don't actually—"

"jisung, stop being stubborn, your cold, i'll be fine" the older is quick to cut him off, shoving his hands into his pant pockets and humming along to a song playing in his head. it's that one paramore song he's been obsessed with since forever that jisung still doesn't know the name of.

jisung hesitates for a moment, registering the feeling of the sweater on his back. seojun just nudges him, a knowing look in his eye. finally, not wanting to be scolded any more for being stubborn, jisung puts on the sweater, the fabric smoothly slipping through his wrists and immediately making him feel comfortable. "uh.. seojun?"

seojun turns back to the maknae, smiling. "yes?"

jisung fidgets awkwardly, settling with the feeling of the fabric against his skin. "thank you" he says, just a little whisper that's meant to be kept between the two of them, jisung isn't sure why he whispers exactly, but he felt that in the specific moment, he couldn't control the volume of his voice.

seojun smiles at the words, his smile is beautiful, jisung thinks it compliments his features so well. "it's nothing, jisungie, you know i'm always here for you".

seojun doesn't have to say the words for jisung to know, his actions already speak loud enough to him. the maknae continues to fidget with his fingers, but he shares a smile with seojun, a small feeling of elation soaring through him.

jisung knows that, as long as seojun's around, he's always going to look after him.

and he doesn't mind it, really, he loves it, in fact.

+ one

jisung feels like he hasn't seen seojun all day.

he's seen the older maybe once or twice, but he hasn't exactly seen him. he feels like he hasn't heard him speak, or seen him smile, or heard him crack some stupid joke in years, jisung knows even the most energetic of people have their days, but seojun? seojun is mr. 'i don't care how tired i am i'm going to scream in your face all day', but seojun practically feels invisible today.

jisung knows seojun is tired, he knows seojun, he knows the older's constant all nighters would catch up to him eventually, but he feels like a ghost today, like he's just dragging himself around.

jisung is.. very worried.

"where's seojun?"

the first person to look up is hikari, who seems just as confused as jisung. hikari usually always knows where seojun is, but that's because the older seems to have some tracking device on him or something. he blinks for a moment, confusion coloring his face. "i don't know.."

"for once" jaemin snorts, and all the older does is glare at him, flicking him in the forehead. jaemin gives his best pitched up squeal at the collision, pouting as he rubs his forehead, but hikari pays him no mind, waving him off. "ow! you're so mean.."

"stop being stupid then".

jisung just stands there awkwardly, still having no answer to his question, he has to admit, he is starting to get a little bit weird, his leg bouncing up and down as his mind races with..thoughts. if seojun were here, right now that is, he'd talk with jisung about it, he'd run his hand up and down jisung's back comfortingly and do the seojun thing.

the seojun thing is what jisung calls the little mind reading powers seojun has. seojun is basically a master at everything jisung, he can tell what he's thinking, why he's thinking it, what he's about to say, and why he's about to say it. he thinks seojun knows him more than he knows himself sometimes, he's just so good at things pertaining to him.

"you're looking for seojunie?" renjun suddenly inquires, entering the room with his eyes pointed at his phone. at the sight of jisung's nod, the older gives a small frown, but jisung can't figure out why. "he's still practicing, i think".

jisung furrows his eyebrows, it is way too late for anyone to still be at sm. "at this time?" he questions, what the hell is he doing? he only earns a shrug from renjun, who is just as confused as he is.

"he said something about wanting to get extra practice in, it has been a while, though.."

that's all jisung needs to hear, he mutters a tiny "thank you" and goes back to his room to get his jacket, not focused on anything but seojun and his weird late night practicing. when hikari and jaemin interrogate him on where he's going, all he says is that he's going to check up on seojun, make sure he's okay. he pretends to have no idea why jaemin is staring the way he's staring, whatever that taunting look means.

jisung doesn't like leaving the dorm after dark, it's strange to him, but he has to get seojun before the older ends up sleeping at the sm entertainment building.

his jacket isn't zipped up, and the nightly breeze isn't exactly warm, but jisung doesn't care, he's only focused on seojun, seojun who he pretty much hasn't seen all day, seojun who he pretty much hasn't heard all day, seojun who he just wants to make sure is okay, and healthy, and alive and totally not suffering.

when jisung steps into the sm entertainment building, a strange shiver run downs his spine. it's like a ghost town in there, save for a few murmurings he can hear from the some of the rooms littered in the halls.

but he doesn't allow for himself to stray away from his main objective, quickly turning and heading to the practice room. jisung always thought these halls spread way too far, it was only a good few feet, but sometimes, especially at night, it felt like an eternity. he almost feels like he walks forever, and when he makes it to the door of the practice room, he pauses.

it's silent, no music, no footsteps hitting the floor, no heavy breathing, it's just silent. the silence concerns jisung, because seojun is known for making noise, but he doesn't allow for his anxieties to amplify, just places his hand on the doorknob and turns it.

the lights are still on, jisung notices, so seojun couldn't have left. when he finally looks down, he finds seojun. seojun is dozed off, asleep on the floor with his arms caged around himself. jisung lets out a sigh of relief, it could've been worse, he doesn't exactly know how, but it could've.

but seojun's okay, he's just sleeping, taking a much needed nap. jisung hurries over to his fellow 02 liner, peacefully lying on the floor with his head rested on his arms. he taps him lightly, not wanting to startle the older. "seojun".

"hm?" the response is silent, and seojun shifts in just the slightest, but he doesn't open his eyes. jisung frowns, shaking him by the arm. "what? what?" that seems to do the trick, because seojun rubs his eyes, finally sitting up and trying to shake off any tiredness. "oh— oh god hi, what time is it?"

seojun looks shaken, like he just got hit with the worst kind of realization imaginable. jisung usually never sees him like this, but he guesses it has to do with him being tired. so, he gives a small smile, rubbing seojun's shoulder softly. "hi, it's like.. ten, almost eleven".

the words make seojun's eyes widen, he looks terrified, like this time was horrible for him or something. "oh— oh my god i fell asleep i didn't even mean to.."

"hey it's fine" jisung reassures, placing both of his hands on seojun's shoulders. "you were just tired, you needed that sleep anyway".

it doesn't seem the words ease any of seojun's worries, cause the older just looks away, the look in his eyes telling jisung that this is a much more important thing to him than he thought. "did you eat today?" the maknae immediately blurts, making seojun snap his head towards him.

the question is the kind of question seojun always asks, the kind of question he asks every few hours to make sure jisung isn't skipping meals. seojun pauses, thinking about it.. or thinking about what to answer. "..yeah".

jisung narrows his eyes, that's a lie.

"seojun".

"what? i'm not lying!"

"when?"

seojun scoffs, turning around with crossed arms. jisung sighs, he knows he's stubborn himself, but seojun is even more stubborn, he'll never admit his lies even if he was being held at gunpoint. "stop nagging me.."

"i'm not nagging you i'm concerned for your well-being!" jisung whisper-yells, pulling seojun closer to him, as the older was scooting away. "i just need to make sure you're alright, i haven't seen you all day and.. your health is important to me, seojun".

the older blinks, as if registering the words in his mind. jisung suddenly feels his face burn, feeling seojun's eyes look him up and down. seojun snickers, playfully nudging the younger. "aww, thank you" seojun gives his best fake pout, over exaggerating it to tease jisung.

jisung just scoffs, lightly pushing seojun's shoulder. the older just laughs at his response, staying on the floor as jisung gets up, dusting off his pants. "come on".

seojun blinks, as if dumbfounded. "come on where?"

"were going to the convenience store, i'm getting you something" jisung tries his best to pull seojun up off the floor, even with how the older seemed adamant on staying down. he's finally able to lift seojun up, much to the dismay of the kang, who frowns.

"you don't have to get me anything" seojun mumbles, staring down at his own moving feet on the floor. "don't spend your money on me" he says, looking up at jisung with an indescribable look on his face.

jisung just shakes his head. "don't try to argue with me, your hungry, you'd do the same for me.."

the words make seojun go silent, and he removes jisung's grip from his arm, intertwining their fingers. he's.. not used to this, he's the one who does the taking care of, he's not the one whose usually taken care of.

seojun has spent so much of his time in this group just looking after jisung, and the maknae never knew how to thank him besides giving him a few small smiles and muttering awkward "thank you's". seojun never asked for anything in return, obviously, but jisung always felt like he never offered enough to seojun, even with how the older has always been looking after him, since the two of them entered sm entertainment.

then, seojun smiles, squeezing jisung's hand laced with his. "thank you" he replies, turning away from the younger with a flustered feeling he can't exactly explain.

jisung smiles seeing seojun smile. "it's nothing, really, it's the least i can do".

seojun doesn't respond to that, just squeezes his hand again.

[landofourwins]

Hi babee, just love all your takes about Lando and Carlos so I am gonna hold your hand while I tell you this (if you have not seen it already) but *ding dong* Lando hate is on again! (Nobody missed it)

Basically, in an interview Max said he would’ve easily won the Championship in a McLaren or in a Ferrari “even earlier”. Now, neglecting all the technical analysis we could do about it to prove whether he is wrong or right.

Lando basically said while laughing “haha, that’s an interesting take, he should be a comedian.” Period, stop, that’s it. You know, just answering with the same sarcasm of every-fucking-body else in this forsaken sport trying to express their own opinion.

And guess what? YEAH IT HAPPENED AGAIN, HATE ON LITTLE LANDO NORRIS. Because how dare he defend his team? How dare he say his own opinion? How dare he contradict Max?

How dare he BREATHE?

The funniest thing? Charles said a very very similar thing, more like “yeah Max is exaggerating a lot”.

But for Charles people were like, “oh God Charles you’re so right my love always defending the team (the same team they were yelling at two days ago for not “”””favouring””””” him??? Wtf???) they could never make me hate you” *dick sucking noises* *tongues slurping on asses*

And that also brings me to another question. Do you or do you not think that the majority of lecfosis/lestappies (basically the same thing) are also Lando haters? Do you or do you not think it’s a patholocial condition?

Great talk, waiting for your answers, love your answers.

hi honey!!

ty!! you're one of the first to say that lmao 💕💕

I SAW I SAW!! max babes you wouldn't survive a DAY with the mclaren pit wall, god knows i barely do. in the wake of thanksgiving i would like to declare i am NOT thankful for the mclaren pitwall (i think it's thanksgiving idk)

i've talked about it multiple times with others, the mclaren (illegal mclaren come back to me my love) was good. for a few races.

the ferrari was good, for a few races.

the merc was good, for a few races.

the red bull was good, for a few races.

people like to think of the mclaren of this season as the red bull of last season, it's not. there hasn't in my opinion been a definite dominant car for more than a few races.

so no max babes, you wouldn't have won in the mclaren!! at least, not in the way he thinks he would ...

yes how dare lando breathe? crucify him! he dared to speak a word!

the fucking what is the word ugh english is failing me. YES!! the double standards in this sport is insane. the god "il depression" can go and say whatever the fuckity fuck he wants, no matter how offensive and be praised. the so called "white savior" dutchman can ALSO say whatever he wants, and be praised.

but oh no, let's crucify lando for saying something NOT EVEN THAT BAD. let's crucify Lando for something he didn't say! which we took out of context! and refuse to be corrected on! just crucify Lando for existing!!

but no, let's praise il depression for saying the exact same fucking thing if not worse, but crucify lando!! sounds fun!! right? *ahem ahem sarcasm*

ALSO !! lecfosi talking about how sharl has never had favouritism!! never!! bro? is you blind? that man is the second coming of whatever god they want to compare him to according to ferrari.

"oh carlos is a nepo baby" for what? working to get his spot? for working hard? sharl's whole 😤i'm not mister nice guy anymore😤 and shit, depressing really (i think i lost my point somewhere in this essay)

sharls, babes, when have you ever been screwed over by team orders? carlos already pulled over once. the races he did bad: his choices, he chose the strategies (which is admirable to try and fuck around when you need points). charles has i don't want to say blatantly favored but oh god. favorite child, he's the password child. someone hack ferrari and try "charles16" for the password!

lost my point again omfg sorry

yes!! i do think most lecfosi are lando haters! and lestappies as well!!

on the lecfosi: they are like, an insecure tween, in a way. (SOME OF THEM , MY SHARL MUTUALS ILY WITH MY WHOLE HEART) the second ANY driver does better than sharl, they're the wicked witch of the fucking west. i can admit when someone has outperformed lando and whatnot, but they REFUSE to believe that il depression isn't jesus reborn.

they like to bring other drivers down to hail sharl le-loser (ty for that one kavi mwah 💋). i personally haven't done that for lando, so idk the thought process. but point here: sharl bad = IMPOSSIBLE

on the lestappies: i fear them, with my whole being, toes to my fuck ass bangs. when lestappies try to compare themselves to carlando an angel loses it's wings and andrea st*lla probs loses another braincell. carlando ≠ lestappen, carlando is real fruendship, lestappen... they barely interact. they interact like as many times as i've been to church.

like the idea of lestappen could be cool. childhood rivals to adult rivals and whatnot. but like. max is ... levels .. better than il depression. so, doesn't really work imo.

BACK TO THE POINT OMFG. yes lestappies and lecfosi are mostly lando haters. bc they can't stand the idea that these fuck ass wannabe religious symbols aren't the shit. (you wanna know what the shit is ... makkinen ... look it up ... i love them)

went off the golden brick road again omfg 🧘‍♀️🧘‍♀️ yes lestappies and lecfosi are mainly lando antis for no valid reason expect their limited brain capacity (SOME OF THEMMMMMM)

i do think it's a pathological condition, called having an ego and being delusional.

anon ily sorry for the essay pls come back again i love your message smmmmm 💞💞💞💞💗💗💗💕💕💕

[kahluamystery97]

Satellite Chapter Two

TW: Disordered eating

Chapter Two (2018)

Martin Graves was a feared, old school Hollywood producer. While he hadn’t taken on a project in at least a decade he was still revered. His monthly garishly lavish cocktail parties were still well attended. The old guard and the new guard alike are there to network, find a job or maybe even some funding for a dream project.  Harry Styles was not part of the old guard, he didn’t need a job currently and he certainly wasn’t looking to get a project funded. So he wasn’t really sure how he got suckered into being here. He knew it involved his best friend Jeff Azoff doing a favor for his father, Irving. Jeff’s own fiancee Glenne had refused. Glenne had said, “Fuck off I’m not going for a night of being groped by a bunch of geezers.” Harry did not blame her one bit. Harry had already been groped by two saucy senior citizens tonight. 

The Graves house was untouched by time. It was opulent but in a very 1980’s way. Way too many heavy tapestries and window dressings. Lots of gold and brass. 

“Son, you really missed the good days. These broads today and the whole Me Too. You can’t do a damn thing or you get sued.” Lanny Smythe lamented. 

“No shit. Go up to any of these young actresses and pay them a compliment. Chrissakes. They will take out a full page ad in the Times crucifying you.” David Crumbe, a retired studio executive spat. 

Harry was 100% certain he did not want to have this conversation with these men. His eyes desperately searched around the room for a way out. Bingo. The gaudy mirrored, marble bar held the most beautiful sight. 

Maggie Dunne was behind the bar laughing hysterically with the bartender. They were mirroring each other with their arms up over their heads and shimmying their hips. The bartender looked down to his phone and then looked at Maggie. He excused himself and walked out the open doors to the patio. 

Harry knew this was his chance. 

"Will you excuse me?" Harry asked, shaking his empty glass at his companions as he motioned to the bar.

Maggie was pouring herself a whiskey.  She wiped down the work top in front of her and looked up when Harry put his glass down.

Maggie was most definitely drunk. She lost one contact lens and then abandoned the other so things were a little extra fuzzy around the edges but there was little doubt that the man in front of her was good looking. Curly brown hair, warm green eyes and pink pouty lips stood right out at her. His muscular shoulders and tall frame were just a bonus after that face. Where the hell did this hot young guy come from in a sea of creepy old men?

She straightened her back and smiled. "What can I get you?"

 "What's good? Do you perhaps have a specialty cocktail?" His plump pink lips turned up into a smile. 

"Of course. I'm a professional" Maggie lifted a clean glass from the back. She placed a large sphere of ice in the glass and poured a whiskey. The handsome stranger turned the wattage up on that smile and raised an eyebrow. "Wait for it. This bit makes it fancy."

Harry gestured for her to go on. He watched as she carefully placed a lime slice on the rim.

"Bloody brilliant," Harry cheered, giving her a small round of applause before picking up the drink.

Maggie clinked glasses with him before taking a sip. Harry knew who she was. I mean I guess if you had seen a movie in the last ten years you knew who Maggie Dunne was. The blonde hair, the long, lean, athletic body. The blinding bright white smile. She was stunning. They had definitely been in the same rooms, same awards shows, same after parties but they did not run in the same circles. Maggie was always seated by the other first name recognizable stars like Meryl, Julia, Reese, George, Leo and Brad. 

She had always seemed so untouchable but right now behind the bar she was so at ease. Clearly buzzed and happy. Harry couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. 

The bartender made his return by crashing in through the doors he had originally left out of. "I'm so sorry I abandoned you with the bar." He said slightly out of breath.

She smiled warmly at him and touched his forearm. “Don't worry about it. Everything ok now?"

"I think so. I hope so." He sighed. He shooed her from behind the bar and took notice of Harry. "Can I help you?"

"Your colleague helped me out." Harry said.

The bartender looked at Maggie with thanks and then back to Harry. "I hope you don't mind me saying 'Night Changes' is my forever karaoke song. Always a hit. Always reels them in."

Harry let a laugh out. "Glad I could help mate."

Maggie tried to clear the fog in her mind and place this man. A singer? A musician? A songwriter? Oh God had they met before? Fuck. This could get embarrassing. She had to get out of here. 

"I'll be back for a refill Keith. Need some fresh air." She gave a small wave and started out the doors towards a courtyard. The maybe stranger, maybe singer, maybe musician was on her heels. She shot her eyebrow up at him to ask why he was following her. 

"I realize I never got the recipe for this cocktail," He flirted, flashing a serious set of dimples her way. Harry followed her over to a spot by a small fountain and garden bench. 

The dimples and whiskey made her forget everything. Not that she knew anything before. Maggie sat back on the bench and slipped off the low heeled mules she was wearing and tucked her feet underneath herself. 

"Maggie." She offered her hand. 

"Harry." He delicately squeezed her hand. 

Maggie couldn't help but notice all the rings. "That is some serious hardware,"she nodded at his hands.

"Too much?" He cocked a brow and turned up the wattage on his smile. 

"Not at all. Better than some watch that costs as much as the house I grew up in. Men in Hollywood are really obsessed with their watches. I can’t help but think it somehow relates to their dicks." Now Harry’s eyebrows shot straight up and then he let out a belly laugh. “I mean what do I know? It isn’t a sound theory. I haven’t done any research on this.”

"Well I will keep that in mind.  Any other Hollywood cliches I should side step?"

"Influencers. Crypto currency. Blonde actresses." Maggie shrugged.

"Well I guess I'm thankful you are a blonde bartender then."

"Actually I'm retired. Keith was having boyfriend issues so I took one for the team."

"Unfortunate because you pour a damn fine drink." He raised his glass to her.

Maggie turned herself toward Harry. She was about to ask him more about himself or maybe she was just going to make a pass at him. She didn't get to do either because suddenly her phone went off. 

"Jesus." She yelped and pulled it out of the pocket of her green jumpsuit. Maggie stretched her arm out. It was her sister. She pulled the phone back away from her face and then closer. It was useless.  She looked over at Harry. "I should get the lasik. I'm a chickenshit though."

He laughed. "Can I help?"

"Mind reading this for me?"  She handed her phone to him with an embarrassed groan.

"Where the fu - um, Liza would like you to meet her out front." Harry said with his eyebrows raised as he took in the actual colorful language he edited out of the text.

Maggie laughed harder than she meant to.  "That is absolutely not what that says."

Harry took a deep breath and read aloud,  "Where the fuck did you disappear to? I wanted you to schmooze some of these old cunts. Now I’m tired and I want to go home. Out front in three minutes. DO NOT MAKE ME FIND YOU. That last bit was all in caps." He whistled. "So who is Liza?"

"Liza is my big sister. Her bark is way worse than her bite.." Harry handed Maggie the phone back. Maggie got up a little too quickly and stumbled forward. Harry caught her arm. "That last whiskey was probably a terrible idea." 

"In my experience it usually is. Why don't you let me walk you out. I mean I wouldn't want your sister to have to come looking for you."

"Very chivalrous of you. Thank you." They walked through the party and Maggie kept it moving. Just waving goodbyes, telling anyone who tried to stop them Liza was waiting. Harry was intrigued by this Liza who could seemingly inspire a twinge of fear in these Hollywood types.

Out the double front doors of the large Hollywood home stood a tall dark haired woman. Full figured, attractive. Same blue eyes as Maggie. As soon as she saw Harry she looked him up and down. Clearly unimpressed with him she did not even attempt to address him.

"Finally. I won't ask where you've been." Liza shot her sister a look. The chauffeured SUV pulled in front of them.

Maggie just shrugged. "Playing bartender and making friends."

"Well, say good night to your friend,the bartender. " Liza snapped and hopped into the back of the car.

Maggie looked at Harry and said with a smile and shrug of her shoulders, "She’s a charmer. Thanks for walking me out."

"Good night Maggie. Nice meeting you. Thanks for the drink."

She got into the car slowly so she could watch him wave her off. If she remembered any of this she was certain she was going to regret not taking him home. 

"For fucks sake Mags. The bartender?" Liza said not looking up from her phone.

"Since when are we too good to fuck a bartender?”

Liza let out a loud sigh and then a laugh. "OK I'm being a bitch. Rough day. That party was a shitty idea. Trying to sell that movie to that room full of fossils was a dumb idea. Literally a veritable who’s who of #MeToo in there."

Maggie took her sister's hand. "You work too hard."

"Says you. And seriously sorry about the bartender. You deserved some fun too. Want to go back and abduct him?" Liza asked, wiggling her eyebrows high on her forehead. 

Maggie laughed, "Nah. I'm too drunk for any of that. Also, he isn't a bartender. I think he is a singer or in a band. Something musical.  I didn't have time for all the small talk because of my raging bitch sister." Maggie gave Liza a nudge with her elbow.

"Yeah yeah. You'll get over it. Lots of pretty boys in the world. Why don't we pick one not in a band. Didn't you already do that once?"

 "Once. Twice. Who's counting?" Maggie certainly wasn't.

THE NEXT MORNING

A buzzing in the distance woke Maggie up. "Fuck." She groaned while fumbling around for her phone. She pressed the dismiss for the alarm. As soon as the alarm stopped a facetime call was buzzing in. Her hand hit the accept button quicker than she meant to. "Liza, whatever it is, has to wait another hour. I just need one hour to die and then I'll call you on my run."

Maggie found her glasses on the nightstand. She pushed the large black Prada frames up. Before she could even make out the face on the screen she heard the voice.

"So I'm not Liza." Harry said nervously in his deep British accented voice. 

Maggie ran a hand through her hair. She looked down to make sure she was clothed. Her tank top was pretty sheer but ok she was covered. 

"Uh hello. How did you get this number?"

"Well I'm a terrible person and I took it upon myself to take it when you gave me your phone last night." Harry pulled at his bottom lip nervously.

"Here you seemed so nice. I had no idea you were a creep." Maggie clicked her tongue. Maybe this was a creep move but she was drawn to that pink lip he was tugging on. Were his eyes this green last night? He might have been attractive last night while she was half blind.  Now though in the morning light with her glasses on he was distractingly good looking.

Harry panicked. Oh God did she think he was a creep? This was sort of a creep move. What possessed him to do this? Had a year with Colette taken him so far away from dating that he completely lost all game?

"Yeah I'm sorry." He stammered. "I thought you might not remember me from last night and..."

Maggie cut him off. "You read me my text messages and walked me out. I wasn't quite that drunk. Anyway I'm insanely hungover and wearing my grandpa glasses. So now all that next morning mystery is gone." Maggie teased, raising an eyebrow.

Relief. This was an asshole move but so far seemed to be paying off. Was she alluding to waking up together?  So maybe he didn't completely fuck this up?

"I was hoping maybe I could see you. Maybe I could make you a drink this time.”

"Oof a little early to talk booze. I need much water and Gatorade.  Maybe a ladylike barf after my canyon run. A shower. You get the gist."

"I could meet you for a run. " He suggested.  ‘Slow down Styles you just got demoted from creep,’ he reminded himself.

"No offense.  I run alone. I don't like to draw a lot of attention. The bartender knew you last night. So I assume someone would be happy to photograph us together."

"You didn't - know me I mean." Harry softly chuckled.

  Now it was Maggie’s turn to feel like the asshole. "I'm sorry. I'm terrible. I assume it’s music because he mentioned karaoke."

"It is. I'm Harry Styles, a singer and you are Maggie Dunne, an actor, writer and producer. A hyphenate. Impressive. " Lame Harry, fucking lame. He needed to get off this call before he could be any more of a fucking tool.

"Well it is nice to officially meet you, Harry Styles, the singer. So after I puke and shower I could be up to hang later."  Why do I keep saying puke? Shut up Maggie! Her brain screamed at her.

"I mean who could turn down a post puke hang?" He ruffled his unruly curls back and smiled. 

Maggie was briefly distracted wondering what a fist full of those curls would feel like. Would his sparse facial hair be soft or scratchy on her thighs? She snapped out of it and asked, "How about my place? We could get some take out. Not to sound too forward but it's that whole low profile thing."

Harry felt relieved actually. " Low profile is good. I'm big on low profile and discretion."

"Sweet talker." Maggie softly chuckled.

Harry laughed with her. "Oh yeah. Maybe my lawyer can call your lawyer to negotiate an NDA?."

"Ooh you filthy boy." She rolled her eyes.

Fame is a fucked up thing. No normal girl would be thrilled the hot guy they met would want to keep them under wraps. Maggie felt relief wash over her that Harry didn't seem like a fame whore thus far. No offer to take her to Craig’s and end up with a bounty on them from Backgrid. 

"So 7? I'll text you my address a little later. Like once the room stops spinning." 

"See you at 7. Lots of water and eat something greasy." He laughed.

Maggie groaned and then waved before she hung up. She laid her head back on the pillows. Harry Styles. Cute. Clearly a little awkward. Who video chats someone they just met? He was lucky he looks like sex on a stick or she would have ended that much sooner.

Maggie adjusted her glasses and opened a Google search.  She typed his name. Images first. Well good morning libido. I had nearly forgotten about you. A warm flush hit her lower body and crept up. God he was pretty. The hair. The eyes. The lips. The crazy amount of ink on those toned arms.

He was in that boy band, One Direction. She had definitely heard of them but couldn't be sure she knew any of the music.

An article mentioned he sang that song, 'Sign of the Times.' The first time she heard that song was in rush hour traffic and she burst into tears. She wasn't even 100% sure of what it was about but it gutted her. She had to reapply her mascara. I can't believe Harry is that guy. Ok no more Google. I should leave a little mystery, she thought.

Harry spent a lot of his morning doing an internet search on Maggie when he was supposed to be working. He scrolled through an embarrassing amount of photos. She was undeniably gorgeous. The sparkling blue eyes. 

She was more than a pretty face though. He read a Variety profile. She graduated from UCLA while acting full time. Her sister's Liza and Alex along with their husband's made the move to LA after Maggie’s first few films.  Movies became a family business with Liza and Alex learning a lot in a short amount of time. The three of them opened a small production company on the WB lot. In two years they needed a much larger office. They predominantly employed women. Name an interesting film, documentary or show you have seen in the last few years and chances are Three Sisters Productions had a hand in it. 

An image search of Maggie showed her in her wet suit on the beach after surfing. Lots of photos of her taken via long lens in her bathing suits. Playing volleyball. Hiking. Running. Paddleboard. Yoga. The paparazzi definitely had an obsession with catching her on the beach.

The one thing he couldn't find much of was anything on Maggie's love life. Harry wished he had been as fortunate or as smart as she had been. She had been spotted around town with guys but nothing serious. The only time she was spotted more than twice with a guy was either a co-star or about a decade ago when she had dated a pretty famous indie rocker.

While Harry was definitely interested in Maggie she unfortunately didn't have much more of a chance than being a lovely distraction. A rebound. Harry was still getting over the French underwear model, Colette who had maybe easily been his first real love and just as easily his first real heartbreak. 

Harry felt like the search was becoming a bit much.  Maybe he should leave a little mystery for later.

Just keep running Maggie. She pushed her body hard in the blazing Los Angeles sun. She could only hear her blood rushing in her ears. She looked down at her apple watch. Her time sucked. It felt like she was running in mud. Her legs worked harder. The vomit she was joking about earlier was suddenly at the back of her throat. She had been waiting for it. Maggie pulled to the right and made her way behind some vegetation. The hot grossness that had been sitting in her gut was released in a forceful torrent.

"Maggie are you ok?" A voice she didn't recognize called into her. "You are Maggie Dunne, right?"

She internally groaned because it was either a fan or paparazzi.  Either one would be very intrusive at this moment. She opened the hydroflask she had slung around her. She rinsed her mouth and then poured some water into her hand and rinsed her face.

"It is. I'm okay." She walked back out onto the trail. Maggie plastered her public smile on her face for the two middle aged women waiting for her.

"Sorry we noticed you and didn't want to bother you. Then we got worried. We're moms." The dark haired ponytailed one shrugged.

Ok so they were sweet and harmless. "Thank you, that was kind of you. One too many drinks last night combined with sun and running. I should know better." She knew better but she needed the release. It wasn't a problem if it just happened, right? She wasn’t shoving her fingers down her throat. 

The red haired lady in the visor nodded. "It happens. If you’ll be ok we’ll leave you be."

The dark haired one smiled. "Unless maybe you wouldn't mind taking a photo with us."

Maggie was sweating and stunk of whiskey vomit but she smiled the public smile even bigger, nodded her head and said,  "Let's do it." They snapped a selfie and said their goodbyes but not before the redhead tried to set Maggie up with her son. 

She continued her run but back in the direction of the car. She pulled her damp tank top off, threw it in the trunk and then pulled a fresh tank over her sports bra. Took her sneakers and socks off and slipped into some slides. Once into the car she blasted the AC, washed down two more advil with some water and clicked her stereo on. She had downloaded Harry's solo album and she was now ready to listen.  She pulled into traffic and headed to her favorite cold pressed juice spot.

Sorry for the short Chapters. Just posting as a rewrite which may bite me in the backside. Back when I wrote this story originally I had just unearthed my old journals where I detailed my ED. So that was sort of the inspiration for some of Maggie's struggles.

Next up -- Maggie and Harry 'Netflix and chill'? (My 22 year old niece would cringe so hard if she knew I just typed that.

[lokiwhitewolf]

Red Hot Winter Chapter 2

Chapter 2: "I won’t crucify the things you do."

After spending more time with Davina, in which Elena learned that the witch feels suffocated by being forced by Marcel to stay in the attic, even though she loves him because he saved her from a much worse fate, the brunette vampire leaves, promising to come back soon.

"Katherine! Can I ask a favor?" Davina said this before Elena could leave.

"Of course! Anything!" 

"I know you don’t like to go to these types of events, but would you go with me to the Dauphine Street music festival in a few days?"

"Yes, I would love to! But do you think that Marcel would let you?"

"He will. After everything I do for him, he has to let me go out for a night."

"Oh, he better let you!"

Elena left the attic and walked into the streets. She intended to go back to the Originals' mansion but was stopped in her tracks by two vampires.

"Miss Pierce, Marcel would like to see you."

"By all means, lead the way, boys." She said it smiling. Elena was escorted to Marcel's compound, which, according to Rebekah's stories, was where the Mikaelsons lived before he took over. Even though the Originals didn’t live there anymore, Elena recognized their family crest on the walls, well hidden by plants.

She was escorted to what could only have been Klaus’s office at other times; there were even some of his paintings on the walls. What she didn’t expect to find was the hybrid himself beside Marcel, but she guessed he could help corroborate her story.

"Katherine Pierce, as I live and breathe!" Marcel said, smiling and standing up to be in front of her.

"Marcel Gerard, so we meet again." Said Elena, looking at him for the first time. It was easy to see why Rebekah fell in love with him, but it was also easy to see the threat underneath the warmth of his smile.

"I didn’t expect you back in my city so soon after the fun we had last time," He said, touching her face. Well, of course Katherine slept with him, thought Elena. Klaus scoffed at Marcel’s use of "my city."

"I wish I was here to have more fun with you," Said Elena, smiling and leaning into his touch. "But Klaus had other plans for me."

"Well, you see," Klaus started talking, "Ever since Elena Gilbert died, Katerina had decided to stay in Mystic Falls, and since I decided to come back to New Orleans, I thought why not compel Katherine and have her do whatever I wanted her to do?" She did run from me for half a millennium, and it’s only fair."

"You call this fair?" Marcel said, visibly enraged. Marcel did like Katherine.

"Marcel, this is between me and Katerina. And besides, right now all she has to do is look after Hayley." Said Klaus.

"You’re in my city, Klaus; remember that," Said Marcel in a threatening tone, turning to Klaus.

"Marcel," Said Elena, trying to get Marcel to calm down. Somehow she knew that Klaus could and would kill Marcel if he kept pressuring "It’s okay. He won’t do anything to me. Elijah won’t let him. And I just went to see Davina! She wants to go to the Dauphine Street music festival with me."

"I don’t know Kath; it’s too dangerous…"Marcel said, but Elena silenced him with two fingers.

"She’ll be safe with me, Marcel; you know you can trust me." She then kissed her fingers and hugged him.

Okay," Marcel caved in, "But my guys will be watching at all times, and also my friend will come too."

"Which friend?"

"Camille. She’s a bartender." Marcel said, smiling after they separated.

"I’ve been gone for a while, and you already have another friend?" Elena pretended to be jealous.

Now, c'mon, Kath, she’s nothing like you." He kissed her cheek and said, "One day I’ll get you out of Klaus's grasp, I promise."

"Thank you," Elena said, then she kissed him near his mouth.

"I’m impressed," Said Klaus, when both of them got into his car to go back to the Originals' house.

"What? You didn’t think I would be able to pull it off?"

"No. I think you and Katherine are not so different after all."

"Katherine and I are nothing alike."

"That’s where you’re wrong. You both survived me, and apparently, you both fell for Elijah." He said it, smiling.

"What? No, I…" Elena was at a loss for words.

"You think I didn’t know where Marcel was keeping my brother? Of course I did; I helped build that church, Elena."

"I just wanted to know where he was so I could tell Rebekah," Elena said.

"Katerina would be proud of you, Elena."

As soon as they got to the house, Elena found Rebekah and Hayley in the wolf's room, along with someone else that she didn’t recognize.

"Katherine," Said Hayley, standing up. She grabbed Elena by her neck and lifted her against the wall. "You almost had me killed!"

"Well, that didn’t work, did it? Klaus saved you," Elena said, remembering how Klaus, Hayley, and Rebekah filled her in on everything Katherine had done before this point. Elena balanced herself and got Hayley off her carefully. "And besides, Klaus compelled me to your little maid thanks to the five hundred years I spent running from him."

"Katherine Pierce," Said the unknown woman.

"And you are?" Elena said.

"I’m Sabine," The woman said, raising her hand, which Elena was going to grab until Rebekah interrupted her.

"Katherine, come with me."

The brunette and blonde vampires left the room and went into Rebekah's room.

"She’s a witch," said the blonde after closing the door. "If you touch her hand, she’s going to know you’re not Katherine."

"A little heads up would’ve been nice," Said Elena.

"I’m sorry, I had to take care of Hayley. She was attacked too last night."

"Is everyone in this family going to get attacked? Is this what’s going to happen to me?"

"Not if you play your cards right. Now tell me, did you find him?"

"I did! I found Elijah! He’s in the attic, in the church, with Marcel’s witch. Her name is Davina. She can’t control her powers yet, but Marcel asked her to kill him anyway, but Elijah doesn’t believe she will. He asked me, "

"Wait, he talked to you?"

"Yes, I touched his hand, and he told me what to do. He asked you to bring him your mother's grimoire. Do you know where it is?"

"Yes, I do! Did he tell you anything else?"

"He asked me to take care of Hayley because he doesn’t trust Klaus, and..."

"And…?"

"And that the vampires of New Orleans think he and Katherine are having a relationship, so he and I will have to pretend once he is out of his coffin."

"Oh, I guess knowing it's you and not Katherine makes it better for me."

"What do you mean?"

"Elijah certainly has a type. I think he fell for you, Elena; coming back to Katherine was a relapse. And he was the one that brought you back, not the torture session from the Salvatore boys."

"I don’t know how to feel about this."

"I think this time you need a man, Elena, not a boy. And from the looks of it, you’re not going to have much time to think. Elijah is going to get himself out of that coffin, and he is going all in for the kill, even if in public he has to call you Katherine or Katerina."

Rebekah knew which spell her brother was talking about. It was a spell to unlink two people. He wanted to break the spell Sophie’s sister had cast. The vampire removed the page from the grimoire and gave it to Elena, who put it in her pocket. Both of them returned to Hayley’s room, but she was no longer there. They found her with Sabine in the kitchen. Hayley was lying on the counter, and the witch was in some sort of trance.

"I thought witches couldn’t do spells," Said Elena.

"It’s not a spell. She’s just figuring out the sex of the baby," Said Hayley.

"Yeah, I’m pretty sure you could go to a hospital and get the same answer." The brunette vampire said this, thinking something was wrong. And she was right. Right before Sabine said the sex of the baby, she made a horrified expression.

"It's a girl," Sabine said, smiling. "You're having a girl."

Hayley and Rebekah were static, but Elena was suspicious. Sure, Elijah would love to know he was having a niece run around the house soon, but still, something was off.

Sabine took off shortly after, and while Rebekah filled Hayley in on the news about Elijah, Elena followed Sabine.

She ended up in the city's cemetery. Following the witch closely behind, she watched the woman get into an old crypt.

"The wolf is having a girl, but the baby is going to be powerful. More powerful than any other creature that’s ever existed, it's one of its kind," Said Sabine.

"What did you expect? She’s the daughter of an aberration; of course, it's a threat, not only to us but to the balance of nature itself." Said an older witch. "I don’t like what I’m going to do, but it needs to be done."

That older witch grabbed an ancient box with an old syringe inside. Two other warlocks brought Sophie into the crypt.

Please, Agnes, don’t do this!" Begged Sophie

"Your sister shouldn’t have done this in the first place!" Said the witch named Agnes, putting whatever was inside the syringe inside Sophie.

Sophie passed out immediately, and the other witches and warlocks left the crypt. As soon as everyone was out, Elena got in and grabbed Sophie, taking her to the Originals' house.

Elena left Sophie inside her room in the Originals' house. She didn’t know what was inside that syringe, but she knew it couldn’t be good since Sophie was linked to Hayley.

The brunette vampire came back to the attic; this time it was empty. Davina was most likely in the shower since Elena could hear water running.

Elena simply removed the dagger from Elijah’s chest, just like she had done in the past, and left the spell inside his suit jacket. They needed him more than ever now.

Sophie woke up two days later in the living room. Elena had told Rebekah what had happened because Klaus was nowhere to be found.

"You have two seconds to tell me exactly what was in that syringe before I kill you," said Elena, in a very Katherine manner.

"It’s an old potion. It’s meant to abort a baby. I’m not pregnant, but Hayley is," Said Sophie.

"Unlink yourself from her right now!" Demanded Rebekah, with her hand around Sophie’s neck and her fangs starting to show up in her mouth.

"I can’t! Marcel will know, and I’ll die!" Sophie said. 

"Sister, if you kill her, our niece will die too. So if you please, remove your hands from her neck," Said a very polite voice.

Rebekah dropped Sophie on the couch. That voice could only belong to one person.

"Elijah!" She said, happily, she was going to hug him.

Elijah hugged her back and kissed her cheek. Rebekah separated herself from him and smiled at Elena.

"Katerina," Said Elijah, smiling. He walked up to her, and one of his hands went to her waist while the other went to her face. "I missed you," He said sincerely, almost whispering. Then he kissed her so tenderly and so sweetly, like he was worshiping her. Elena kissed him back, her hands going to his hair, as if Katherine would do it, but mostly for herself. She always wanted to know what his hair felt like.

He ended the kiss with a peck on her lips. "Come with me, help me pick another outfit"

"Yes," said Elena, breathless.

They both went up the stairs, Elijah never letting go of her hand, while Rebekah and Sophie went to take care of Hayley, who was starting to develop a fever.

Elena walked into Elijah’s room. It was very spacious, with a king-size bed and two large windows with white curtains. He had modern things, like a smart TV and a stereo, but the room also had space for a desk with some papers on it, along with shelves with books and a walk-in closet packed with suits but, surprisingly for Elena, regular clothes as well.

"I’ll make space for you here."

"What?" Asked Elena.

"I know you’re here of your own free will, but I don’t trust my brother Elena. I’ll feel better if you’re in my room with me. And besides, we have to put on a little show, don’t we?" He said this, smiling at her, picking up his suit and changing in front of her, removing his shirt first.

"Elijah!" She said, turning around somehow mortified. The original vampire chuckled.

"We’re playing a couple, Elena; we might as well behave like one." He said "It’s okay if you want to look at me while I’m changing." He said this, whispering in her ear and kissing her neck, making Elena tremble. He smiled and stepped away from her to put on his suit.

Elena turned around.

"How do I look?" Asked Elijah.

"Dashing as always," Elena replied, smiling.

Hayley’s fever was getting worse as the day went by. The concoction Sophie made had helped a bit, but Hayley depended on Davina's ability to unlinked both of them. Elijah had faith in the young witch, saying that if she completed that spell, she could choose the next spell they would work on. It was already night, and they didn’t know what else to do to get her fever down.

"Take her to the pool!" Elena said. "The water is freezing; it will make her body temperature go down!"

Elijah grabbed Hayley, and both of them got inside the pool. Hayley was having convulsions and holding onto her belly. Elena got into the water, not caring if her impersonation would blow or not. She held Hayley’s body along with Elijah's.

"Davina is going to make it; I know she is," Elijah said, almost sounding scared.

"Elijah, it’s going to be okay." Said Elena, looking deep into his eyes.

All of a sudden, Hayley’s body stopped moving. Sophie grabbed a knife to check if they were unlinked by making a small cut on her palm. Elena grabbed Hayley’s palm. It wasn’t bleeding. They were unlinked.

"It worked," said Elena.

Elijah breathed out in relief and was about to take Hayley inside when Sophie asked him something.

"Please don’t let Klaus kill Agnes. She’s one of our ancestors; she didn’t know what she was doing."

"Agnes won’t die at my brothers' hands; you have my word," Said Elijah.

Elena was following him, only to be stopped by Sophie.

"The Katherine I knew would’ve never gotten into that pool."

"If Hayley dies, I die, remember? I’m Katherine Pierce; I’m a survivor." Elena said, "If you pull another stunt like this against us, I don’t think you’ll survive to tell the tale. Elijah has a rather bad habit of ripping out people’s hearts.

After making sure Hayley was safe inside her room with Rebekah watching over her, both Elena and Elijah got changed. Elijah had gotten a phone call from Klaus to meet him in the church.

"I’ll go with you. I don’t trust Klaus around you," Said Elena. They both got into Elijah’s car and got to the church shortly after.

"Elijah! Katherine! Welcome to the party! You see, while you two were making sure that Hayley was safe, I was hunting down the witches that had threatened my family. And I found them here!" Said Klaus, going around the church killing the witches one by one but leaving Agnes for last. "This one here is the one that poisoned my heir. What am I going to do with you?"

"Niklaus, you asked for my forgiveness, remember? You shall have it if you don’t kill Agnes. I promised Sophie she wouldn’t die at your hands. If you want my forgiveness, this is how you shall have it."

Klaus let go of Agnes’s neck. Elena knew what was following and looked down.

Elijah went to Agnes, who was crying.

"I promised Sophie you wouldn’t die at my brother's hands; I didn’t say anything about mine." Elijah put his hand inside her chest and said, "No one messes with my family and lives," and then he removed her heart.

The first time Elijah had done this in front of her, it had certainly terrified her. It proved to her that he was a very powerful man, not to be messed with.

Elena doesn’t condone violence in the slightest, but she had seen what those witches had done. They would’ve killed Hayley’s baby. That should’ve been a decision that Hayley should've made, and she decided to keep the baby. She knew the Mikaelsons would do anything for each other, but now she has seen it, and she was in the middle of it. Right where she should be.

"You two love birds Go ahead; I need to do something before I get home. I need to tell someone justice was done."

Elijah got a handkerchief from his pocket to wipe his hand, grabbing Elena by his other hand.

"I’m sorry you had to see that," He said.

"Well, it’s not the first time I’ve seen you rip someone’s heart out," She said.

"Elena," He said, putting both of his hands on the car, trapping her between the car and his body. "Thank you for removing the dagger from my chest."

"Well, I did dagger you once, if I recall correctly."

"You were trying to stay alive and didn’t know if you could trust me. I don’t blame you."

"I still feel bad for it, though."

"You don’t have to. It’s not your fault. You helped me with Hayley tonight. And looked out for her when I wasn’t there. Thank you."

"I was just keeping my word."

"This...relationship that we have to fake. I don’t want to fake it with you, Elena. I want you. All of you"

Elena’s heart was beating so loudly that she knew Elijah could hear it.

"Elijah…"

"I know you might be afraid of history repeating itself because of what happened between me and Katerina, but I assure you my lovely Elena, she is in the past. I want you."

And with that, he kissed her. He kissed her like she'd never been kissed before. It was not like she was with Stefan and Damon. It was so much better, like she was in heaven, as if Elijah was perfectly made for her, or as if she was made for him. The best part about being a vampire is that you don’t need to breathe. So Elijah grabbed one of her legs, wrapping it around his waist, while his other went inside her t-shirt. And to think that one of his hands, which had ripped out a heart just half an hour earlier, was now on her back. Her hands went to his hair, pulling it hard from his roots, which he seemed to like. It was the softest thing she had ever touched.

Hey, love birds, this is a church, not a motel!" Said Father Kieran, he said, interrupting them. Elena hid her face in Elijah's neck, holding back a burst of laughter.

"I’m sorry, Father, for I have sinned." Said Elijah.

Elijah and Elena got into the car, and holding each other's hands, they got back to the house.

[trustfallwithgod]

Day 6: Everybody doubts, even the greats, but it’s all good

The place is given this name: “Massah and Meribah,” or “trial and contention.” These two words come from the same roots as the verbs used to describe the people’s “testing” and “quarrelling” against the Lord.

Imagine you’re Moses. You’ve seen God (kinda), you’ve heard God (He tells you to take off your shoes), He has let you perform miraculous feats with your staff. You have witnessed the plagues, you have witnessed the sea parting, you have seen manna in the desert. But after all that, God tells you to speak to the rock and the water will flow… instead you strike the rock. TWICE.

Imagine you’re St Peter. Given the grace to be the first recognize Jesus as the Messiah. Only other human who have actually walked on water (for a few moments but I dare anyone to top that :P), then you deny Jesus twice. Facepalm moment am I right? Not really.

That fragility allows God a crucial moment to come and work with our brokenness. With two of the Bible’s greatest heroes, these gentlemen may have faltered but in that moment, God still claimed Moses’ body on the day of his death (even though he could not enter the promised land), Peter still became the rock on which the church was built. As the first pope, Peter was asher 'al-habayith, second in hierarchy to Jesus in the kingdom. Peter would go on to be crucified.

Kintsugi (Japanese: 金継ぎ, romanized: "golden joinery"), also known as kintsukuroi (金繕い, "golden repair"), is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with urushi lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.

Making the imperfect perfect

To often, we allow the inconvenient present to overshadow the glorious past. How many times has God saved your butt? How many times have coincidences rolled the odds in your favor? How many accidents avoided? How many times has “luck smiled”? In those circumstances, you might not have thought of God but His fingerprints are all over the “crime scene”.

complaining is an intellectual mistake, emphasizing the present, at the expense of another, the past by overplaying the significance of “how I feel right now”. This is where we often trip. It wouldn’t be fair (or just) to second guess our biblical heroes but they teach us a valuable lesson: the hope-filled trajectory of the story, encompassing past, present and future, rather than myopically zeroing-in on the present, demonstrates a larger truth: that God loves us.

And just like the property market, across a long period of time, the graphical trend tends to depict upward projection of “prosperity”. That is not to say that life is ultimately easy and bountiful but rather that His grace is sufficient.

The Lord “tests” his servants or the whole people in order to show and strengthen their faith. But we are not supposed to test him back. In fact, Jesus quotes Deuteronomy 6:16 when he is being tempted by the devil: “You shall not put the Lord your God to the test, as you tested him at Massah”

Testing implies doubt about the Lord’s goodness, generosity, and sincerity when we are the unreliable ones. How many of us fear that when the time comes to answer a question of faith, our prayer can be like that of Jesus “Not my will but Yours be done”?

When it comes to our bible heroes, we all share one thing in common: we thought as men do, rather than as how God thinks. And that’s not a bad thing, because our relationship with the divine is deepened whenever we allow Him to come into our lives.

[modernmagdalene]

Saint and Crystal Associations Part 2

Once again, I’m posting this as a potential resource for other Christian witches or Christian mystics (whatever you call yourself). These are my own personal associations, not official associations of any Christian denominations, so if they don’t feel right for you feel free to use different crystals with different saints. Thanks and enjoy.

Saint Francis of Assisi --> Amber

Francis is best associated with Amber. While not technically a crystal it still is used in a lot of crystal magic. Francis is a very complex saint who helps with a lot of different things: voluntary poverty, helping the poor, antiwar, and oneness with nature. Amber is very old and connected deeply to the earth. It helps with grounding, clarity, patience, wisdom, dissolves negativity, eliminates fear, and balances emotions. All things Francis needed to leave his life of privilege behind and follow God. I think it represents much of who Francis is and can help support the same virtues that Francis represents. 

Saint Brigid --> Opal

St. Brigid would be associated with Opal. Brigid is a saint that is very connected to the goddess Brigid. Their stories are extremely intertwined that you can’t really talk about without the other. Both are connected to fire, love, and hope and that’s all things Opal is connected with as well. I also personally tend to associate Opal with the divine feminine and Brigid connection to a goddess makes that work as well.

Saint Julian of Norwich --> Moonstone

Julian of Norwich I said in a comment that I associated with Lapis Lazuli but then relaized I was already using that crystal with St. Perpetua and Felicity. So I did some more research and decided that Moonstone would work really well for Saint Julian of Norwich. Moonstone is obviously associated with Lunar magick and the moon is also regularly associated with femimine energy. Which works wonders with St. Julian who often depicted God as femimine. One of the things that made her contraversal. St. Julian of Norwich had visions and was a prolific writer. Moonstone helps those seeking wisdom and strengthens psychic abilities. St. Julian of Norwich is also a known cat lover so have moonstone carved into the shape of a cat is even better. 

Saint Mary MacKillop --> Obsidian

(Trigger Warning Mentions of sexual abuse in this.)

Mary MacKillop is the first saint of Australia and one of my favorites! Mary MacKillop reported a priest who was abusing children and not longer after a friend of this priest used his connections to get her excommunicated. Her excommunication was eventually lifted. I have always admired her strength and resilience. That’s why I chose obsidian for her. Obsidian shines a light on the negativity and clears it away, helping us to choose the path leading towards light and love. It is also a protective stone as it used to be used for weapons. If you need to fight the devil obsidian is up there with tourmaline as an excellent crystal to clean house.     

Saint Raphael the Archangel --> Ametrine

St. Raphael the Archangel is another favorite of mine. If you use a Protestant Bible you might not have read about him. Raphael is featured in the Book of Tobit which is only in Catholic and Orthodox Bibles. The Book of Tobit is an epic love story between Tobias and Sarah that also features thievery, exile, and fights with demons. Where Michael and Gabriel tend to appear to humans briefly then leave. Raphael, disguised as a human, travels with Tobias throughout the whole book. Raphael is most associated with healing and I connect him to the crystal ametrine. Ametrine is associated with healing, harmony, strength, balancing physical and spiritual life, and aids in contacting spirit guides. This works with Raphael’s connections to healing. Furthermore, Raphael’s role guiding Tobit and being a spiritual being working on earth makes ametrine perfect in helping to connect with him. Use this stone and ask him to help find balance in your practice and assist you with finding spiritual guides.

Saint Rita --> Smoky Quartz

St. Rita is the patron saint of impossible tasks. She is someone I rely on when I really need to overcome an obstacle or problem in my life. She is also prayed to when someone has a deadly illness or serious problem helping with things that seem impossible to deal with is just her jam. Because of this I associate her most with smoky quartz. This crystal is super powerful and is a great grounding and balancing stone. It absorbs negative energy like a sponge (because of this it should be cleansed often-ish use your best judgement). It’s so useful and can even cleanse other crystals. It keeps all the negativity away from you which is something that one really needs when dealing with impossible situations.

Saint Mary Magdalene --> Celestite

Mary Magdalene is one of my favorite witchy women in the Bible. She wasn’t scared away like the other disciples when Christ was crucified, she was the first to preach about the resurrection, and was active in preaching and teaching others about Christ. One of my favorite stories about her comes from the Orthodox tradition where she was preaching to Emperor Tiberius Caesar about Christ and turned an egg red to prove to the emperor that Christ’s story and power was true. I associate Mary Magdalene most with Celestite. Celestite raises spiritual vibrations, promotes spiritual growth, and aides in communication with the spiritual realm. This crystal also boosts self-worth and self-expression, all things Mary Magdalene had in abundance. Mary Magdalene also seems to be the most connected to the spiritual world out of all the apostles (with the exception of maybe John) so this crystal is perfect for her.

Saint Joan of Arc --> Bloodstone 

St. Joan is a warrior and protector. I also consider her a trans and/or genderfluid saint who will naturally protect trans and genderfluid peoples. Because of this I associate her most with bloodstone. Bloodstone promotes justice and strength, it is also good for healing and renewal, but bloodstone is probably best known for boosting spells and banishing spirits. Or as I prefer to use it, boosting protection spells and banishing TERFs.

Saint Francis de Sales --> Kyanite

St. Francis de Sales is one of my favorite saints purely because he is the patron saint of writers and I am someone who greatly enjoys writing. Kyanite is the crystal I use with this saint. It promotes creativity and also dispels negativity aka those negative thoughts that tell you that you can’t write. It’s also supposed to sharpen your focus which can be especially helpful with writing or any creative work, especially if you are easily distracted like me.

Saint Anthony of Padua --> Amazonite

St. Anthony was one of my grandmother’s favorite saints and probably the saint I use the most in day to day life. He is the patron saint of lost items. He was a devout priest and taught students from a book of psalms. He once tried to preach to people who refused to listen to him. He instead decided to preach to the fish who all started to gather near the shore to listen to him. When people saw this they decided they should listen too. So you know when in doubt preach to fish I guess. Anyway, I associate St. Anthony with amazonite. Amazonite helps sharpen the mind, aids communication and promotes good luck all of which are great attributes for learning and teaching, finding lost items (that’s the good luck bit), and aiding communication could help you talk to people or fish, your call. 

Saint Valentine --> Rose Quartz 

St. Valentine did a lot but he is most associated today with marrying couples in the Christian church during the height of Roman persecution. So naturally I associate him with rose quartz, a crystal that promotes love and fertility, dispels loneliness, opens the heart to compassion, and even strengthens faith. The perfect stone for this romantic saint. 

Saint Scholastica --> Citrine 

St. Scholastica was the twin sister of St. Benedict, and was the founder of the women’s benedictine order. As someone who went to a benedictine college I have a fondness for her. If you are a storm witch in particular I think this might be the saint for you. At one point Benedict and his monks visit Scholastica and her nuns. Scholastica didn’t think she would live long enough to see her brother again after this meeting so begged him to stay the night, but Benedict didn’t want to spend the night outside his monastery and told her he couldn’t. So Scholastica prayed and a massive thunderstorm suddenly came making it unsafe for Benedict and his monks to travel. And here is my favorite bit:

“Realizing what had happened, Benedict reproached her: "What have you done, my sister?” Scholastica answered simply, "I asked a favor of you, and you refused to listen to me. So I asked my God, and He, more generous than you, granted my request.” Once again Scholastica’s pleas won the favor she was seeking.” 

With Scholastica I associate the crystal citrine. Citrine is all about manifesting change, protection, creativity, and success all things she needed to live the life she did.

Saint Dymphna --> Blue Lace Agate

St. Dymphna is one of my favorite saints and she is one I utilize often. She is most associated with mental and emotional illnesses. If you are a spoonie witch this is the saint for you. Because of this I associate her most with Blue Lace Agate, which helps people express themselves (helpful when going to therapy or a doctor) and also helps with dealing with any sorts of fears or anxiety. (Reminder: That utilizing this saint and crystal is meant as a prayerful way to ask for help dealing with mental and emotional illness. It is not a replacement for therapy or meds.)

St. Sara-la-Kali --> Jasper

St. Sara-la-Kali is the patroness of the Romani people. She is said to have helped the Three Marys of the Bible arrive safely in Gaul after she had a vision of them arriving. She used her dress as a raft and helped the women get to shore despite the tumultuous waves. She was also extremely generous and often collected alms for the poor. I associate her most with jasper. A crystal native to Romania it aids in peace and wisdom and also is particularly helpful during times of transition by providing stability and protection. It also supports perseverance and acceptance, something we definitely need Sara's help with right now.

[beigehearts]

Yandere Illumi soulmate au

You are given the assignment to assassinate the Illumi Zoldyck. It doesn't go exactly as planned

TW: blood, gore, murder, mentions of drugs, violence

Life as an assassin isn’t easy- especially when you’ve climbed up the chain of power. You were paid to kill one person that no other person in their right mind would. One of the Zoldycks, arguably the strongest one. If you were smart you would have declined this offer, but money can blind you. You wouldn’t have to work for the rest of your life if you successfully killed your target. You would be set for life, and set for death.

You already know that following your target directly would get you killed instantly, so you have other people doing it. People who owe you ‘favors’, two of your spies have already been killed, but they knew better than to mention your name. You definitely have a reputation.

And in a world where people are obsessed with their soulmates? You’ve killed quite a few ‘soulmates’ and people who have harmed their lovers. After people started evolving this weird soulmate quirk, it’s become an obsession. Whether this means tracking that soulmate down or killing them. You would be surprised how many people want their soulmates dead. And for you? You couldn’t care less.

Apparently your target, Illumi, has his own target tonight. He will be going to this persons headquarters and kill them after torturing information out of them. So you’ll be showing up to the same place to assassinate him.

It’s dark out, especially while you’re at an old factory in the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere. By now Illumi should have already infiltrated the building, so you walk right up to the front doors.

Two guards stand there with rifles in their hands, they eye you and begin to laugh. The bigger guard cocks his gun but keeps it aimed upwards.

“I think you’re lost snowflake. The strip club is a mile down the road.”

You look down at your outfit, your midriff is showing and you’re wearing heels. As all good assassins should. You look back up and smile to the guards, “I guess I am lost, this looks like the small dick manufacturing company.”

The guard on the right furrows his brows, “You better get going before we decide to keep you to ourselves.”

You chuckle and crack your knuckles, “I’ve always wanted two guys at once.”

One of the guard goes to speak but you kick him in the stomach and his rifle goes off in the air. You duck when the other guard goes to throw a punch, you grab his rifle and butt it into his stomach. He leans over and you smash his head with the end of the rifle, he’s out.

The remaining guard stands up and groans, holding his stomach. His face goes red with anger and he points his rifle at you. You jump at him and he fires, but you push the gun upwards, shooting another round into the sky. You grab the back of his head and bring it down onto your knee with a satisfying crack of his nose. He collapses onto the ground next to his partner and you huff. That was anti climatic.

You step over the guard’s body and enter the old factory. There are huge containers all over, 30 ft talk cylinders that must be containing some type of new drug. You continue walking through the factory and admire the place. For some dumpy drug manufacturers, they do a good job. You look down at your wrist when you feel a tingle and see something written on it. Did your soulmate write something down on themselves? You squint at it to make out the words… ‘purple squirt’. Purple squirt? What the fuck?

Whatever, now isn’t the time. You locate the main office after passing some laborers, they pay you no mind. It’s at the top corner of the building and you have to climb a ladder to get to it. You open the door nonchalantly and see a man crucified. No really, his hands are nailed to the wall and so are his feet. There’s blood everywhere and all of his limbs are mamed beyond belief. You can barely recognize his fingers as fingers.

Standing in front of him is a tall man with long hair. A very tall man. You look up to his face, he has big, empty eyes and an unreadable facial expression.

“So you are the one that has been following me.” He says calmly.

Before you can respond, the man against the wall screams, “HELP ME! PLEASE! SAVE ME! HE’S A MONSTER!!”

You ignore his pleas and so does Illumi. He continues screaming until Illumi walks over to him and grabs his jaw. You’re a cruel person, but your could barely watch what comes next.

With his bare hands he grabs his bottom jaw and rips it straight from his skull. He screams and his tongue hangs low. Blood pours from his head, covering him and the floor, leaving a puddle. Illumi drops the bottom part of his entire face in the puddle of blood. The man only has seconds to live at this point, so you ignore him. He let's out pathetic moans and whimpers that irk you in a way you've never been irked before.

You watch the man in front of you intently and narrow your eyes, "Before I kill you, why were you here?"

Emotionlessly Illumi walks towards you. "I'm not going to give you unnecessary information."

He stands right in front of you, and you have to crane your neck to see his face.

It all happens in just a few seconds, he draws his hand from his pocket and you, your own. He has the pin point of a needle pressed lightly against your forehead. Your blade digs into the skin of his neck, drawing a drop of blood. You were going to enjoy killing this man, this cruel cruel man.

You grit your teeth and press the dagger further into his skin, "He's right, you are a monster. A fucking mons-"

You reaction time compared to his is pathetic, he grabs your wrist and squeezes it tightly and brings it up to his face. He looks at the words inscribed on your wrist, suddenly seeming very intrigued. His one hand that still has a needle against your skin falls to his side and he drops your arm.

You jump back a few steps and watch him closely.

"Come with me." He commands.

You raise an eyebrow at him and scoff, "Excuse me? I'm not going anywhere with you."

He lifts his hand and points at his wrist, "It says 'purple squirt' on your wrist. It's the name of the drug being manufactured here that I wrote down."

"Okay and? What does that have to do with anything?!" You spit.

He cocks his head and looks genuinely confused. "You are my soulmate. You will be coming with me. I thought that was obvious."

You drop your defensive stance and feel your mind go blank. All you can utter is, "What?"

He approaches you and grabs your wrist once again, but this time he's not going to let go. "It it futile to resist. You will be coming home with me."

You pull against his grip but it hurts you more than it does him. "Like fuck I will!"

He squeezes your wrist even tighter and you hear a crack accompanied with a sharp pain up your arm. You try your best to look unfazed but the pain is undeniable.

He leans down some so he can see you eye to eye, "You are my soulmate. You are my property. We are going home."

[moonstone27ls]

Chucky -Doll on Doll

Spoiler warning....

warning....

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....one more warning....

last warning you don’t like spoilers/or my opinion probably don’t read8B....

Thats it....

Soooo thoughts I have several. First off glad Andy is alive and again hope him and Kyle survive this because I do love the young cast. But give credit to the originals! Like Laurie Strode Kyle and Andy have been through A LOT, especially ANDY. He’s literally being tortured. Sooo hope Devon and Lexy can save him.

Okay were to start... guess I’ll go into the kids section or story first. Devon’s story feels a bit forced. Not the part were he’s traumatized no thats fine. The part were he’s mad then he brings up their relationship status. A part of me is “Dude I get it, don’t trust Chucky but considering you have killer dolls and a clearly homophobic priest bullying you, the love drama can wait”.

But before someone jumps and goes, “Devon...”. No dude I totally see why he’s frustrated. Jake isn’t hearing Devon out, or trying to compromise. Devon’s been traumatized and asked to believe they’ve deprogramed one Chucky?... I mean even if he’s broken. I’m with Devon they only had ONE day. That takes longer I suspect to break a person. So I see the skepticism. 

And then we have the priest. Whether its cause its horror, teenager stupidity, Devon literally is taking the brunt of Jake’s actions now. Even if Jake doesn’t see it. Though I admit although its clear the priest is bully him... I don’t see why  he’s trying to what I assume convert just Devon. I mean he DID see Jake kiss him back why isn’t he trying to “deprogram” him... is it cause Devon’s black? Is this priest mildly racist too?

I dunno, and no I’m not referring to JUST the doll stuff the priest found. Ever since the kiss, the priest has been acting like its Devon who’s his “bad influence”... which I would almost believe IF he had seen any real signs of it. Like I dunno example “Jake breaking windows and Devon’s like “DO IT, DO IT”.... butttt I haven’t seen that. Jake just goes to him to talk just like Lexy. But whatever priest is an asshole. 

But anyway sorry people I got sidetracked. Point is that doll was a good example, for Jake and them being “so aware” that Chucky killer doll is a subject they have to be “hush-hush” about. Jake literally leaves Devon with a crucified  rambo Chucky. Does Jake go “Lets clean this before the father sees it “... no he leaves him to “clean up” his mess. (or Good Chucky’s... I dunno either way its a mess). And the priest immediately blames Devon. For all this “teamwork” stuff the kids get separated awful fast. I mean sorry Jake/Lexy was dumb of ya’ll to not one time go “Oh we should make sure Devon’s okay” even if its a “lover spat” in Jake’s head.

I think the problem is the kids are either being “kids”/or horror stupid. Cause instead of talking to each other... shit everyone’s scattered to the four winds with plans. Now I get why Nadine is... neutral with Good Chucky and not really “Oh lets make a plan guys”. She’s more of the flighty friend who walked into this. Nadine has not been directly affected by Chucky so... she’s not really suppose to be fearful and stuff. Though I won’t lie I think its SOOO cute how she calls him her “sweet baby boy”. Its cute!

But I will let the whole “kids stop being stupid and just talk” go IF Lexy/Devon are able to save Andy. Cause then yes splitting up worked on their favor. 

Lexy’s bit has been okay, I won’t lie her character isn’t my fav. But I am glad how they wrote her and Nadine’s scenes felt good or real? if that makes sense.

Andd.... kudos to whoever thought something was fishy about that psychiatrist.... because they were right. She’s been in on it the whole time... real question. Who is she? And what role is she playing? Is she some idiot who got conned.... or some nutcase like that nun. Alsoooo wonder if that Belle is gonna be used, still feels like foreshadowing...

I think thats it for the kids... mentioned Andy/Kyle. Sooo onto Tiffany/Jennifer Tilly.

Still think that math’s off with the twins but onto the other subject.... so Tiff has kept the real Jennifer Tilly alive...but if thats strange. No I mean not the part using her, no that made sense to me. It explains how she paid for everything... my question is in Seed... Tiff used that same doll to murder a nanny.... sooo where was Tilly then? Was she asleep or did Don Mancini just reboot that/or ignore it? (i’m not judging just curious)

Also... if she’s really been “alive”... then doesn’t that mean Tilly’s twins should also still be alive in the Glenn/Glenda doll? Or do they not count cause they were born through vodoo or it doesn’t work with babies? Sorry to ask those dumb questions but  Mancini put it out there for me to question, lol. 

Still think Tiffany’s either psychotics or losing it, besides killing poor Meg Tilly (a little disappointed wanted to see more of her but oh well), she’s still calling Nica her girlfriend.... and I’m soooo cringing everytime. I’m like “Tiff she hates you”. Why not just go back to Gina? And I know people will hate but with her unraveling if not Gina she’s still clearly Chucky’s better half. She’s very much an unapologetic murderess. And I’m okay with that, as a villian she’s awesome.

As a “victim” people say with her I just keep shaking my head cause her actions don’t scream victim. I mean come on “Pft” to the excuse that she wanted to be Jennifer Tilly to be better for her kids. Pleaseeee Tiff was an idiot who wanted to be a star, her twin were NOT on her mind. So the sweet/truth reveal was hard for me to take seriously.

Do find it funny that she’s still going “killing’s an addiction” to Glenn. Soo with that dumb excuse in mind guess she has still killed maybe even in front of the twins.

Though I can’t help but wonder what’s Mancini ‘s ultimate plan for all this reveal....will the twins really wanna go back to their body? Whats to become of the real Jennifer Tilly, I mean I guess yes Tiff could have taken her to keep her cash flow? I dunno. I don’t feel she’s keeping her to “switch back”.

Heck I dunno what Glenn has in mind personally. I don’t think they’ll really let Nica or the real Jennifer be prisoners of their mother. Especially after seeing their mother murder “Aunt Meg”, the relative that was very welcoming/and embracing to them. I dunno I saw how Glenn looked at their deceased “aunt”... thats not something you can shrug off for your own mother.

I mean its like I said Glenn is usually the good one. They did help Nica escape, just don’t see them willing let Jennifer become Tiffany’s victim. Still also wonders whats further road for our survivors,... the guide said Nica will go on with her plan.

But I’m like can Nica even do anything? No its not cause she’s been disabled. Its because one half of her mind is under Chucky’s control and the group’s got Glenda. Who I wanna say is a good alley.... is still Glenn’s ying to their yang.... I just dunno if Glenda is here to be “good” or be an “antihero” or is just planning to be an underling to Chucky.

I just know ... I don’t want Nica to be a victim to Chucky/or Tiffany anymore. 

[the-lightning-strikes-again]

Yeah I never understood why people say Allura is racist she's perfectly fine with Keith AND Krolia who is in fact FULL Galra

Hi, anon! Thanks for your note. Yeah, that’s a good point! Honestly, I think some people pick up on the show’s implicit narrative biases, which are largely unsympathetic to genocide survivors while sweeping under the rug the visceral level of brutality that a significant number of Galra enacted point-blank against so many civilizations. The narrative and visual “lens,” if you will, even in s3 flashbacks, focuses more on the instigators and their motives than it does the victims and their traumatic experiences. And the narrative lens throughout the show continuously demands that genocide victims unquestionably forgive and accept oppressors into their lives without said oppressors/groups vocalizing empathy. But we see Allura going above and beyond with accepting Galra!

Regarding specifically season 2′s initial plot twist with Keith—I suppose it helps to look at Allura’s sudden suspicion from the lens of season 3. Galrans and Alteans had a great relationship between them—the official VLD book “Allura’s Story” even calls Zarkon Alfor’s “best friend.” So in this past, you have a strong Galtean alliance, you have Alfor saving the entire Galra people after Zarkon destabilized their planet and endangered the entire solar system with a widening rift, thus forcing Alfor to blow Daibazaal up to save every other civilization too. You have Alfor hosting the Galran people/Zonerva’s allies while giving Zarkon and Honerva an honorable state funeral. But the instant Zarkon wakes up and demands his people massacre the entire solar system (not just Altea—in s3, the Galra extinguished their entire galaxy planet by planet until only Altea was left)….the Galra people at large accept that order? Without question? Despite all the deep friendship and bonds that came before? Literally, a single order from an undead emperor of their own kind overturned this solid interracial alliance and launched an unstoppable, galaxy-level bloodbath?

But of course, we don’t get this history until another season later, so Allura’s initial reactions to even Keith for example, feel left-field to some who hadn’t already emotionally connected to the trauma of genocide/omnicide. Specifically, Allura’s trauma was triggered with Keith because she’s 100% experienced having mass allies and treasured friends suddenly betray you in the name of pure loyalty to someone of their own race. But we don’t get that additional history until later.

So while clearly the racism accusation is not justified and Keith and Allura reconcile anyway in season 2, I think the seeds of “Allura is racist” were planted at large during this time, while waiting for season 3.

And notice as well that in the show, it’s Allura who comes to Keith and apologizes. There is zero narrative attempt to understand the “why” behind Allura’s reaction during this plot twist, and no other character (including Keith) makes an attempt to reach out to her either. They all turn into a bunch of passive aggressives. So narratively, the show champions an imbalance—you feel sympathy for Keith and are asked to join the paladins in demonizing Allura (or seeing her as the “other” for suddenly having suspicions, per her experiences). And the show champions the paladins for such riveting high school diplomacy while Allura takes full responsibility on herself to open up the conversation, make herself vulnerable by explaining her own trauma, and then begging for Keith’s forgiveness and even hugging him. She does all of this, by the way, upon seeing that—unlike the s3 Galra in the past—Keith’s revelation didn’t mean he felt an automatic loyalty-tie to the Galra, and that he was just as true and good as he always had been. And kudos to Keith, he confirms his nature again by accepting her apology and the both of them moving on together, with Allura even ultimately accepting Keith’s authority over her as Black Paladin.

So for all the trauma Allura has from actively experiencing the Galra wipe out her entire galaxy and planet, we see Keith and Allura reconcile—and we see her move onto accepting the Blade of Marmora and Krolia. She admonishes Lotor for not protecting his own Galran subjects from attack. And despite the romance and alliance with Lotor going south over his activities with an Altean colony, she still pursues alliances with other Galrans and even tries to emotionally connect with them. She’s the one who first offers an alliance with Zarkon himself into s8, ultimately resurrecting Daibazaal as equal to her own resurrected Altea. And she does all of this while fighting against an Altean who is the ultimate big bad of the series. So even if someone wanted to totally ignore Allura’s past as an omnicide victim and just wanted to crucify her point-blank for her season 2 actions, we see her acting in incredibly dynamic ways to preserve and obtain peace for the Galran people.

I think, in looking at Allura’s development arc from season 1 to season 8, it becomes clear to me that people holding onto the “Allura is racist” card are doing so for one or several of the following reasons:

They haven’t watched the show entirely to see her interactions with a wide myriad of other Galrans, so they’re cherry-picking based on a few uncontextualized scenes.  

They view Allura as an antagonist to their favored character, so they hate her anyway and are looking for any reason possible to hate her.

They view her as romantic competition for their favored ship (that old fandom internalized misogynism where gosh darn if a female character dare exist to unsettle their own personal romantic headcanons or self-ship needs, which means we gotta find a way to get rid of her and her fans).

And thanks to purity police corruption of fandom, militant antis using the “racism” card recognize that they can inappropriately hijack a social buzz word to manipulate fandom interests and obtain supremacy over other fans by de-legitimizing their voice. Because no one wants to stan a racist, right???

Either way, “Allura is racist” is definitely an inaccurate use of the word, yeah. If people want to hate on Allura, which is their right to do if they so desperately want, they just really need to find other reasons to do it.

Thank you for your note, anon! Sorry, I guess I rambled after I got to thinking about “why,” haha.

[aboveallarescuer]

How Dany assesses the counsel she receives and makes her own choices - Dealing with the conflicts inside Meereen

This will be a series of posts meant to show that Dany is open to receiving advice and criticism, but that she doesn’t act solely based on what other people tell her to do. On the opposite, GRRM makes great effort to write a Dany who most often merges different viewpoints and/or finds her own solutions to the problems she’s facing. I won’t include every single decision she ever made (e.g. her decisions at court are often made without counsel and her execution of the ritual to hatch the dragon eggs was already exhaustively and deftly analyzed by other people), but there will be plenty of instances in this series that will prove my point nonetheless. The metas will always have four items: in which chapters the events mentioned take place; what advice she receives and from whom; what were her actions; the verdict (whether she followed other people’s advice, ignored/rejected them or did both at the same time).

Chapter (s): 

ADWD Daenerys I, II, IV, V, VI, IX

The advice Dany receives:

Barristan warns Dany that the Unsullied aren't well-suited to ask people about what happened to Stalwart Shield nor inquire about the Sons's activities (ADWD Dany I). In the reopening of Daznak's Pit, Barristan recommends that Dany uses the Unsullied to protect her rather than the Brazen Beasts due to his distrust in them, his uncertainty about their skills and his fear that the Sons are still around (ADWD Dany IX).

The Shavepate recommends the killing of a man from each family for Stalwart Shield's death and the killing of two if another death occurs (ADWD Dany I). He also suggests torturing the daughters of the wineseller while he watches (ADWD Dany II). Later, he urges Dany to kill the child hostages to prevent the murders from continuing (ADWD Dany IV). At last, he proposes torturing Hizdahr (because he believes he's involved with the Harpy's Sons) and seizing people from the ruling families so that Dany can get her ships back (ADWD Dany V).

Reznak is against any sort of punishment to the nobles for the Sons's murders (ADWD Dany I, II).

Daario is in favor of Dany gathering all the masters in the Temple of the Graces under the false pretense of marrying Hizdahr and killing them all (ADWD Dany IV).

Dany's actions:

We open up ADWD with Dany in her lion pelt sitting on her ebon bench. She is still asleep and couldn't even properly dress because the matter was too urgent for her to spare any time: one of her soldiers was killed.

“Your Grace,” said Ser Barristan Selmy, the lord commander of her Queensguard, “there is no need for you to see this.”

“He died for me.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

Like I said before, Dany's conception of queenship is one of self-sacrifice and accountability. Another ruler might have taken care of the matter at another time or even left it entirely to one of their advisors, but Dany wants to show gratitude (like she did with Doreah) and to take responsibility and not look away (like she did with the 163 children who were crucified).

The corpse is shown and Dany, because of the knowledge she acquired from her childhood in the Free Cities (she lived in six of the nine), is able to guess the man's origins:

The dead man’s face was smooth and hairless, though his cheeks had been slashed open ear to ear. He had been a tall man, blue-eyed and fair of face. Some child of Lys or Old Volantis, snatched off a ship by corsairs and sold into bondage in red Astapor. (ADWD Daenerys I)

Barristan begins to explain that the Sons were behind the attack, which they took responsibility by drawing a harpy on the bricks. Dany already knows how they operate, so she accurately intuits which material was used to draw it:

“… drawn in blood.” Daenerys knew the way of it by now. The Sons of the Harpy did their butchery by night, and over each kill they left their mark. (ADWD Daenerys I)

She then asks Grey Worm why the soldier was alone, since she had taken measures to prevent any of them from being killed:

“Grey Worm, why was this man alone? Had he no partner?” By her command, when the Unsullied walked the streets of Meereen by night they always walked in pairs. (ADWD Daenerys I)

Grey Worm, seemingly embarassed, admits that he went to "a house of pleasure", which Dany correctly guesses to be a brothel. Dany is empathetic and quite aware of the freedmen's difficult situation, so she makes no moral judgment about the fact that so many were opened lately:

A brothel. Half of her freedmen were from Yunkai, where the Wise Masters had been famed for training bedslaves. The way of the seven sighs. Brothels had sprouted up like mushrooms all over Meereen. It is all they know. They need to survive. Food was more costly every day, whilst the price of flesh grew cheaper. In the poorer districts between the stepped pyramids of Meereen’s slaver nobility, there were brothels catering to every conceivable erotic taste, she knew. (ADWD Daenerys I)

Even so, she doesn't understand why would an eunuch go to a brothel. Grey Worm responds that Stalwart Shield wanted "the women of the brothels to lie with him and hold him", an answer that profoundly affects Dany:

The blood of the dragon does not weep. “Stalwart Shield,” she said, dry-eyed. “That was his name?”

“If it please Your Grace.”

“It is a fine name.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

As I said before, Dany often uses the phrase "the blood of the dragon" to retain her composure and act as a proper monarch, and this moment is no exception: she reminds herself to not cry, makes sure she remains "dry-eyed" and praises his name. Because she's now emotionally affected by what happened, she can't help but wish for vengeance (which is normal, for it is linked with the desire for justice in her case) for his death:

Dany said a silent prayer that somewhere one of the Harpy’s Sons was dying even now, clutching at his belly and writhing in pain. (ADWD Daenerys I)

~

“Find these cowards for me. Find them, so that I might teach the Harpy’s Sons what it means to wake the dragon.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

Dany notes that he was the first of her soldiers that the Sons dared to kill. Barristan warns her that others will die, which is a cause of great distress for a queen who "belongs to her people, not to herself" and who recently made it clear that she wants to bring "peace, prosperity and justice" to the city:

I am still at war, Dany realized, only now I am fighting shadows. She had hoped for a respite from the killing, for some time to build and heal. (ADWD Daenerys I)

Then, she vows that Stalwart Shield will be remembered:

Shrugging off the lion pelt, she knelt beside the corpse and closed the dead man’s eyes, ignoring Jhiqui’s gasp. “Stalwart Shield shall not be forgotten. Have him washed and dressed for battle and bury him with cap and shield and spears.”

“It shall be as Your Grace commands,” said Grey Worm.

“Send men to the Temple of the Graces and ask if any man has come to the Blue Graces with a sword wound. And spread the word that we will pay good gold for the short sword of Stalwart Shield. Inquire of the butchers and the herdsmen, and learn who has been gelding goats of late.” Perhaps some goatherd would confess. “Henceforth, no man of mine walks alone after dark.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

Here, we see that Dany: a) orders for Stalwart Shield to be properly buried and honored, b) offers more gold to anyone who might give information about who was behind his murder and c) forbids all of her soldiers to walk at night so that they might not become casualties as well. Later, d) she names a company of freedmen after him and e) thinks about him when she considers giving away her personal happiness and sexual autonomy because "she owed it to her dead". She is, indeed, making sure that he's not forgotten.

Barristan counsels Dany not to use the Unsullied for the jobs she gave them because "they were made for the battlefield" rather than to "unravel secrets or ask questions". Dany considers both his feedback and her available options and concludes that the Unsullied are still the best choice for now, which displays her critical thinking skills:

“Would knights serve me any better?” Selmy was training knights for her, teaching the sons of slaves to fight with lance and longsword in the Westerosi fashion … but what good would lances do against cowards who killed from the shadows? (ADWD Daenerys I)

~

“Then who, if not Unsullied? Dothraki would be even worse.” Dothraki fought from horseback. Mounted men were of more use in open fields and hills than in the narrow streets and alleys of the city. (ADWD Daenerys I)

~

“When the Stormcrows return from Lhazar, perhaps I can use them in the streets,” she told Ser Barristan, “but until then I have only the Unsullied.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

Later, she meets with two of her advisors, Reznak (who is pro-nobility) and the Shavepate (who is anti-slavery). In keeping with her previous actions to remember Stalwart Shield, Dany demands that they call him by his name.

“We were told about the eunuch.”

“His name was Stalwart Shield.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

Then, we get this bit of exposition from the Shavepate, who reminds Dany of her large number of enemies:

“...Zhak, Hazkar, Ghazeen, Merreq, Loraq, all the old slaving families. Pahl. Pahl, most of all. A house of women now. Bitter old women with a taste for blood. Women do not forget. Women do not forgive.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

Which leads Dany, who is already angry for what happened to Stalwart Shield, to think about when she returns to Westeros and teaches the Usurper's dogs that she does not forgive. I've talked about this before here and here, but, while Dany is not right in reducing them to a single group, she is right that Robert should be held accountable for the deaths of innocent children, about which he did nothing to bring justice. 

There is more to what the Shavepate said, though: his overfocus on women, more particularly on "bitter old women", is another indication from the narrative (albeit not entirely conclusive) that Galazza Galare working against Dany. In fact, she might be the Harpy herself coordinating the Sons's attacks, if this passage from ASOS is any indication:

She had a woman’s face, with gilded hair, ivory eyes, and pointed ivory teeth. Water gushed yellow from her heavy breasts. But in place of arms she had the wings of a bat or a dragon, her legs were the legs of an eagle, and behind she wore a scorpion’s curled and venomous tail.

The harpy of Ghis, Dany thought. (ASOS Daenerys II)

~

Behind them, huge against the sky, could be seen the top of the Great Pyramid, a monstrous thing eight hundred feet tall with a towering bronze harpy at its top.

“The harpy is a craven thing,” Daario Naharis said when he saw it. “She has a woman’s heart and a chicken’s legs. Small wonder her sons hide behind their walls.” (ASOS Daenerys V)

Back to the advisors. They have different suggestions for Dany concerning what to do to prevent more deaths like Stalwart Shield's. The Shavepate favors killing a man from each noble family for Stalwart Shield's death now. If another death occurs, she should kill two from each noble family. Meanwhile, Reznak asks for restraint by saying that the murderers will be found and proven to be "baseborn filth". Dany ends up following Reznak's advice, not because she views the freedmen negatively, of course, but because of this:

“How can I punish them when I do not know who they are?” Dany demanded of him.

Dany doesn't want to punish people indiscriminately, and she will reverberate the same feelings later with three different people here, here and here. These moments show how using violent methods isn't Dany's comfort zone nor the first option that comes up in her mind (the torture of the wineseller and his daughters was certainly not her idea, for instance, even if she remains responsible for it). Instead, she wants to specifically target Stalwart Shield's killer, and she's not afraid of using her gold to do so, even if it brings no profit to her:

“How much gold have we offered for information concerning the Sons of the Harpy?” Dany asked.

“One hundred honors, if it please Your Radiance.”

“One thousand honors would please us more. Make it so.” (ADWD Daenerys I)

While we're at it, it's interesting to consider Dany's feelings on these men. This is how she describes the Shavepate:

Ghiscari hair was dense and wiry; it had long been the fashion for the men of the Slaver Cities to tease it into horns and spikes and wings. By shaving, Skahaz had put old Meereen behind him to accept the new, and his kin had done the same after his example. Others followed, though whether from fear, fashion, or ambition, Dany could not say; shavepates, they were called. Skahaz was the Shavepate … and the vilest of traitors to the Sons of the Harpy and their ilk. (ADWD Daenerys I)

First, Dany's shrewdness comes through in her guesses regarding why Skahaz's kin would shave like him - "fear, fashion or ambition". This is a great variety of reasons from her. And it's noteworthy that, for all the claims that she is too idealistic and naive (and she still is, to an extent, of course), she never considers that people might be following his example because of their devotion to his cause. Here, like in other moments, Dany proves that she has a healthy dose of skepticism about other people's intentions. When it comes to the Shavepate, she thinks he has a "brutal, angry face" and "prays it was an honest one as well".

That being said, I would say that her assessment of him is ambivalent, even more so when you compare it to how she judges Reznak:

The seneschal wore a tokar of maroon silk with a golden fringe. A small, damp man, he smelled as if he had bathed in perfume and spoke a bastard form of High Valyrian, much corrupted and flavored with a thick Ghiscari growl.

~

The seneschal was as bald as Skahaz, though in his case the gods were responsible. “Should any hair be so insolent as to appear, my barber stands with razor ready,” he had assured her when she raised him up. There were times when Dany wondered if that razor might not be better saved for Reznak’s throat. He was a useful man, but she liked him little and trusted him less. The Undying of Qarth had told her she would be thrice betrayed.

I know Dany is made to be suspicious of Reznak because she suspects (reasonably) that he is the "perfumed seneschal", but one could speculate that there is more to it. Reznak is wearing a tokar, described earlier by Dany as as "a master's garment, a sign of wealth and power". It is a major symbol of the social inequality that favors the masters over the freedmen, which Dany is quite conscious and critical of. Because she is an abolitionist figure who wants equality for everyone, it's only natural that she feels uncomfortable using it (and ends up rejecting it, as she does the peace). When it comes to Reznak, I wonder if seeing him willingly use it might make Dany unconsciously predisposed to view him in a harsher light. Accordingly, she also thinks that his High Valyrian is a "bastard form" for being "corrupted" with his "Ghiscari growl".

It must be said, however, that, in trying to associate Dany's discomfort with the Meereenese culture with her hatred of slavery and giving little page time and development to the freedmen (who could've been three-dimensional and diverse like the Free Folk), the one group she is advocating for, GRRM can make Dany look "intolerant" to readers who aren't that interested in her, and this particular instance with Reznak could be interpreted as such. Then there's also the fact that Dany views Reznak negatively partly because he has conventionally feminine traits, something that she has in common with Ned (and his views on Varys) and that I discuss here.

Anyway, to sum up my thoughts on the Shavepate and Reznak, I wanted to show how she views the latter more negatively than the former, even though she follows the latter's advice. That's because Dany doesn't rely on a single viewpoint, but only on her own.

In ADWD Daenerys II, Dany is informed that nine freedmen were killed in one night, which frightens her. Because she cares about giving the freedmen justice, her (righteous) outrage at seeing them suffer is that much deeper. After finding out that the murderers weren't conclusively identified, but that suspects were found, Dany initially asks for them to be interrogated, though she is skeptical of their innocence:

They all plead ignorance and beg for mercy. “Give them to the Shavepate. Skahaz, keep each apart from the others and put them to the question.”

“It will be done, Your Worship. Would you have me question them sweetly, or sharply?”

“Sweetly, to begin. Hear what tales they tell and what names they give you. It may be they had no part in this.” (ADWD Daenerys II)

But then, she finds out that Rylona Rhee was tortured and killed, which brings us to this controversial moment:

Mercy, thought Dany. They will have the dragon’s mercy. “Skahaz, I have changed my mind. Question the man sharply.”

“I could. Or I could question the daughters sharply whilst the father looks on. That will wring some names from him.”

“Do as you think best, but bring me names.” Her fury was a fire in her belly. (ADWD Daenerys II)

I've already written my thoughts on this scene, so I'll just say this: however morally questionable Dany's actions were here (and they were morally questionable), they can't be decontextualized (the Shavepate had seeded the idea, as I said before), they can't be divorced from the reality of this world and they can't be reduced to vengeance when that's linked to justice and when monarchies tend to be (and even encourage the ruler to be) inherently arbitrary.

Then, Dany makes plenty of decisions on her own to guarantee the safety of her Unsullied:

“I will have no more Unsullied slaughtered. Grey Worm, pull your men back to their barracks. Henceforth let them guard my walls and gates and person. From this day, it shall be for Meereenese to keep the peace in Meereen. Skahaz, make me a new watch, made up in equal parts of shavepates and freedmen.”

“As you command. How many men?”

“As many as you require.” (ADWD Daenerys II)

Which then leads Reznak to question how she'll pay them. She decides that the nobles will suffer consequences this time:

“From the pyramids. Call it a blood tax. I will have a hundred pieces of gold from every pyramid for each freedman that the Harpy’s Sons have slain.” (ADWD Daenerys II)

She also makes it clear that she won't let any of the nobles flee from Meereen with resources this time:

Daenerys was sick unto death of Zhak and Merreq; she was sick of all the Meereenese, great and small alike. “Let them go, but see that they take no more than the clothes upon their backs. Make certain that all their gold remains here with us. Their stores of food as well.” (ADWD Daenerys II)

Because Dany left the Yunkish's financial resources intact, they ended up "return[ing] to slaving as soon as she moved on" and "rais[ed] levies, hir[ed] sellswords, and [made] alliances against her". Now it seems that Dany is learning her lesson and not letting the enemy retain power if she is able to neutralize it. One could argue that this is just to pay the soldiers' wages rather than a decision made based on her previous mistake, but again, it is still a sign that she is learning from what happened before, which is commendable.

Reznak tries to persuade Dany to be more lenient by pointing out the nobles' concern for their children. His comment has the opposite effect on Dany. She thinks she is also afraid for her own and then makes another decision on her own:

“We must keep them safe as well. I will have two children from each of them. From the other pyramids as well. A boy and a girl.”

“Hostages,” said Skahaz, happily.

“Pages and cupbearers. If the Great Masters make objection, explain to them that in Westeros it is a great honor for a child to be chosen to serve at court.” (ADWD Daenerys II) 

Dany's handling of the situation here is, once again, very interesting. Like in Stalwart Shield's case, you could say that she only followed the counsel of a single advisor - she chose Reznak's side before and now she chose Skahaz's. However, analyzing these situations that way would greatly oversimplify Dany's decisionmaking. As we see in this case, she makes all the major decisions on her own: she asks for the wineseller and his daughters to be questioned; she asks for the Shavepate to create a new watch; she creates a blood tax to compensate for the deaths of the freedmen and pay the soldiers she'll employ; she makes the decision to take hostages in case the murders continue.

In the next chapter, we get more information on the Shavepate's new watch, the Brazen Beasts. Dany says that the Sons fear them, which may or may not be true since she's putting up a front to be resist Xaro's thinly disguised attempts to undermine her power, confidence, achievements and skills. Even so, it seems to have been a successful decision:

“...They fear my Brazen Beasts.” Skahaz mo Kandaq had given her the new watch she had asked for, made up in equal numbers of freedmen and shavepate Meereenese. They walked the streets both day and night, in dark hoods and brazen masks. The Sons of the Harpy had promised grisly death to any traitor who dared serve the dragon queen, and to their kith and kin as well, so the Shavepate’s men went about as jackals, owls, and other beasts, keeping their true faces hidden. (ADWD Daenerys III)

I'll talk about this more on another post, but, in the context of the military forces that Dany created, it's convenient to mention that she also organized the freedmen to better defend the city without anyone's advice:

“My freedman—” Dany started.

“Bedslaves, barbers, and brickmakers win no battles.”

He was wrong in that, she hoped. The freedmen had been a rabble once, but she had organized the men of fighting age into companies and commanded Grey Worm to make them into soldiers. (ADWD Daenerys III)

Even then, however, the killings still continue in ADWD Daenerys IV, which affects Dany a lot:

“...More freedmen died last night, or so I have been told.”

“Three.” Saying it left a bitter taste in her mouth. “The cowards broke in on some weavers, freedwomen who had done no harm to anyone. All they did was make beautiful things. I have a tapestry they gave me hanging over my bed. The Sons of the Harpy broke their loom and raped them before slitting their throats.” (ADWD Daenerys IV)

(This passage may also be hinting at something else...)

However, she doesn't have it in her to murder innocent people, much less innocent children.

Hazzea was enough. What good is peace if it must be purchased with the blood of little children? “These murders are not their doing,” Dany told the Green Grace, feebly. “I am no butcher queen.” (ADWD Daenerys IV)

Besides Dany's moral principles, her outlook should also be contextualized by her life experiences - as a child whom her enemies tried to kill and as a mother whose child was also targeted, Dany's reluctance is very understandable. However, by taking hostages and not harming them when the Sons still continued to act, Dany implicitly stated that she won't react as ruthlessly as one might expect from the Mother of Dragons, which, unfortunately, puts all of the freedmen in jeopardy.

I've talked about this before, and I'll be brief here because I intend to make another post about Dany's attempts to merge with the Meereenese, but, for the sake of context: I believe that the Green Grace is manipulating Dany in ADWD Daenerys IV. She tactfully mentions the Shavepate as someone who would be okay with killing children while then contrasting him to Hizdahr, the "perfect" husband for Dany to take if she wants to give the city peace (unjust as it is). As for Hizdahr, this exchange is relevant here, for it shows both Dany inquiring him about the Sons and, I would argue, his manipulation:

“Why should the Sons of the Harpy lay down their knives for you? Are you one of them?”

“No.”

“Would you tell me if you were?”

He laughed. “No.”

“The Shavepate has ways of finding the truth.”

“I do not doubt that Skahaz would soon have me confessing. A day with him, and I will be one of the Harpy’s Sons. Two days, and I will be the Harpy. Three, and it will turn out I slew your father too, back in the Sunset Kingdoms when I was yet a boy. Then he will impale me on a stake and you can watch me die … but afterward the killings will go on.” Hizdahr leaned closer. “Or you can marry me and let me try to stop them.”

“Why would you want to help me? For the crown?”

“A crown would suit me well, I will not deny that. It is more than that, however. Is it so strange that I would want to protect my own people, as you protect your freedmen? Meereen cannot endure another war, Your Radiance.”

That was a good answer, and an honest one. (ADWD Daenerys IV)

I don't think Dany was wrong when she described Hizdahr as "cunning" two chapters ago. Not only there is a lot of textual evidence that suggests that he is working with the Sons (here and here), but the arguments he makes here seem fabricated and designed specifically with the intent to appeal to Dany's desire to protect her people ("Meereen cannot endure another war") and avoid more collateral damage ("let me try to stop them"), all the while painting the Shavepate very negatively ("Skahaz would soon have me confessing").

With no good options here, Dany promises to marry Hizdahr on one condition:

“Peace is my desire. You say that you can help me end the nightly slaughter in my streets. I say do it. Put an end to this shadow war, my lord. That is your quest. Give me ninety days and ninety nights without a murder, and I will know that you are worthy of a throne.[”] (ADWD Daenerys IV)

After her decision, this is how Dany thinks that her two counsellors will react:

The Shavepate will not be happy with me, but Reznak mo Reznak will dance for joy. Dany did not know which of those concerned her more. She needed Skahaz and the Brazen Beasts, and she had come to mistrust all of Reznak’s counsel. Beware the perfumed seneschal. Has Reznak made common cause with Hizdahr and the Green Grace and set some trap to snare me? (ADWD Daenerys IV)

Even here, where one might think that Dany is being fooled by the nobles, the writer makes an effort to show that that's not the case. Dany is not entirely trustful of them and considers if the three are setting some trap for her. Like I've emphasized so many times above in this post, the author works hard to showcase how Dany's political goals and views are not the same as those of any of her advisors, nor does she ever rely entirely on any of them.

Since the marriage is Dany's solution to ending the recent terrorist attacks in the city, I also need to point out what Barristan suggests to Dany here:

“[I]t is important to me that you should understand. My people are bleeding. Dying. A queen belongs not to herself, but to the realm. Marriage or carnage, those are my choices. A wedding or a war.”

“Your Grace, may I speak frankly?”

“Always.”

“There is a third choice.”

“Westeros?”

He nodded. (ADWD Daenerys IV)

I've said it before and I'll say it again: if/when Dany decides to leave for Westeros, it won't be an "immoral and awful" decision (as Feldman says here). Fighting for her claim to the Iron Throne will simply be acting like any feudal lord would. In fact, framing Dany's eventual change of attitude as negative is very, very unfair, not only because she was already doing and sacrificing far more than she had to (as the book passage above shows), but also because she was never going to have a perfect and unambiguous victory in Slaver's Bay, no matter how much time she stays or how much effort she puts.

Anyway, back to discussing Dany's decisionmaking. In the same chapter, she explains to Daario (who had just returned from his mission to Lhazar) how the chaos in her city came to be, so he urges her to pretend she will marry Hizdahr only so she can gather all of the Great Masters in the Temple of the Graces and kill them all. These are her reactions:

“We have no proof this is their work. Would you have me slaughter my own subjects?” (ADWD Daenerys IV)

~

“Do you take me for the Butcher King?”

“Better the butcher than the meat. All kings are butchers. Are queens so different?”

“This queen is.” (ADWD Daenerys IV)

As we see once more, Dany is not willing to use indiscriminate violence against the Meereenese, even if she hates them. Daario tells her that a queen who won't be a butcher is a queen who is only a "brood mare" (as Cersei puts it), which Dany doesn't take well. She asks, angry, if she forgot who she is, and he makes the same question to her. Then, she finally orders him to leave.

I have more thoughts on Daario's advice, but I'll get to them later.

In ADWD Daenerys V, twenty-six days have passed without a single murder. The Shavepate is clearly irritated; he makes, in my opinion, a very convincing case when he says that Hizdahr's visits to several pyramids indicate that all of these families were aligned with the Sons and that he is conspiring with them. Dany is not so sure:

Skahaz was convinced that somewhere in Meereen the Sons of the Harpy had a highborn overlord, a secret general commanding an army of shadows. Dany did not share his belief. The Brazen Beasts had taken dozens of the Harpy’s Sons, and those who had survived their capture had yielded names when questioned sharply … too many names, it seemed to her. It would have been pleasant to think that all the deaths were the work of a single enemy who might be caught and killed, but Dany suspected that the truth was otherwise. My enemies are legion. “Hizdahr zo Loraq is a persuasive man with many friends. And he is wealthy. Perhaps he has bought this peace for us with gold, or convinced the other highborn that our marriage is in their best interests.” (ADWD Daenerys V)

While it could be argued that Hizdahr's words ("I do not doubt that Skahaz would soon have me confessing") have partly shaped Dany's views on the matter, I don't think her reasoning should be reduced to his influence. It makes perfect sense for the attacks not to be coordinated by a single person and that they are happening concurrently and being financed and ordered by different people at the same time. It also makes perfect sense for Hizdahr not to be directly involved with the killings (though I think he is), but rather that he has plenty of friends and managed to convince them to end the Sons' activities with bribery.

Perhaps more importantly, as @rainhadaenerys questioned in a conversation we had: even if the Green Grace (the one character most often identified as the Harpy) was found as their leader and arrested, would it have stopped the Sons' killings? It seems much more likely that they would have continued (either with the Sons or with another faction), because there are too many nobles interested in bringing her down. As Dany realizes, "[her] enemies are legion". That's a pretty solid conclusion. Maybe she would only be able to stop them if she followed Daario's advice (hence why she thinks about it one chapter later), which she is not willing to do.

Whatever happens, my point is that Dany's guess is logical and may even come to pass, so it's not a sign of stupidity at all that she couldn't imagine that the priestess Galazza Galare is the Harpy.

The Shavepate asks for Dany authorize his torture of Hizdahr, which she forbids:

“No,” she said. “I do not trust these confessions. You’ve brought me too many of them, all of them worthless.”

“Your Radiance—”

“No, I said.” (ADWD Daenerys V)

While I don't think that this is a situation that can be merely described as "Dany learned that torture is wrong" because there are several other factors at play, it's also true that she is the only ruler we've seen onpage ordering them to be stopped. Like I said when she proposed to take the gold and food from the nobles who would leave Meereen, it seems that Dany is learning from her mistakes.

Then, the Shavepate suggests sending the Brazen Beasts to the pyramids of all the ruling families of Meereen and seizing them so that Dany can win back the ships that she lost. Instead of trying to make his advice more appealing to Dany, he continues to press on the need for violence, which she has already made clear she'll avoid and reiterates it again:

“If I send the Brazen Beasts into the pyramids, it will mean open war inside the city. I have to trust in Hizdahr. I have to hope for peace.” Dany held the parchment above a candle and watched the names go up in flame, while Skahaz glowered at her. (ADWD Daenerys V)

It's quite noticeable that the Shavepate is out of his depth when the other person won't agree with his methods.

However, despite Dany's insistence to maintain a more moderate course of action, we see that she is aware that this choice makes her vulnerable:

Afterward, Ser Barristan told her that her brother Rhaegar would have been proud of her. Dany remembered the words Ser Jorah had spoken at Astapor: Rhaegar fought valiantly, Rhaegar fought nobly, Rhaegar fought honorably. And Rhaegar died. (ADWD Daenerys V)

Let's contextualize the advice. When was it received and how did Dany deal with it? Was that good advice from Jorah? I would argue that it was not, since he was trying to normalize the training of the Unsullied and the existence of slavery in general as necessary evils if Dany is to win the game of thrones. However, his advice was useful in another sense: sometimes you can't play by the rules if you intend to succeed. And so, like with Viserys and Drogo, she found a solution that was informed by Jorah's influence while also being her own: by refusing to view the slaves as objects to be traded, Dany considered the deal illegitimate and sparked an abolitionist campaign that would influence an entire continent. In other words, Dany did not play by the rules (like he advised), but not by compromising her moral principles (like he intended), but because of her moral principles.

So, why are we being reminded of that advice now? Before I write my own interpretation, I also want to point out that Daario's advice from ADWD Daenerys IV stays in her mind long enough for her to remember it two chapters later (which very likely means that the author is trying to say something with it):

Get the heads of all the noble houses out of their pyramids on some pretext, Daario had said. The dragon’s words are fire and blood. Dany pushed the thought aside. It was not worthy of her. (ADWD Daenerys VI)

Dany has these thoughts when she is forced to make more compromises for the sake of her marriage. I want to make a separate post centered on her attempts to merge with the Meereenese nobles, so I won't dwell on the particular context of this passage here. What I want is to call attention to the fact that Daario's advice serves a similar purpose to that of Jorah's. Like Jorah, Daario also thinks Dany should compromise her moral values for the sake of her goal (in this case, crush the resistance inside her city). So, what are we to make of these moments? (Keep in mind that this is all speculation)

Someone who defends the peace agreement would call them "temptations", but, as I've argued here, I believe that war is the only righteous option in this particular case. Daenerys's eventual mindset shift, which is seeded in the two passages above, do not indicate that she's turning her back on the freedmen, but rather that she is turning back into the Daenerys of ASOS who made this statement:

“Freedom!” she sang out. “Dracarys! Dracarys!”

“Dracarys!” they shouted back, the sweetest word she’d ever heard. “Dracarys! Dracarys!” And all around them slavers ran and sobbed and begged and died, and the dusty air was filled with spears and fire. (ASOS Daenerys III)

Just as Dany's use of draconic force was once associated with freedom, I believe they will be framed as righteous once again in TWOW. The author's choice to have Dany remember Jorah's advice in ASOS Daenerys II makes me hopeful. Like I said above, Dany was given a suggestion and filtered it to make it her own decision. In ADWD Daenerys IV, Daario also asks her not to conform to accepted moral standards, and she remembers his words later on. Instead of that signaling her "downfall" or "moral degradation" or anything that doesn't make sense with her characterization, I think it's much more likely, considering her characterization and her pattern of actions, that she finds a different way that integrates both dragonfire and her morality. This is not to say that everything will go smoothly - I've expressed my doubts and apprehensions before concerning how far GRRM will take the negative consequences of Dany's crusade (and they will emerge, just like they did later in Astapor, because Dany's storyline never has easy and uncomplicated solutions), but, still, I think what both @rainhadaenerys and @yendany suggest in their posts here and here is much more likely, so I'll sum up some of their points here: a) believing that dragons plant no trees is not the ultimate conclusion of Dany's character development, b) understanding when, why, how and to which extent violence is necessary and justified is key and c) a dragon is not a slave because it ultimately won't abide to an unjust and false peace and, by embracing her identity, Dany will be better able to protect her children.

There isn't much more to say about how Dany handled the conflicts inside the city because the Sons only resume their attacks after Dany is gone and Hizdahr is arrested by Barristan and the Shavepate. She does receive advice from Barristan that is related to what I've been discussing in ADWD Daenerys IX, however. In this chapter, he says that he'd rather have Dany be protected by the Unsullied rather than the Brazen Beasts. Half of them are untried freedmen, he argues, and the other half is left undescribed, but Dany intuitively understands what he means:

And the other half are Meereenese of doubtful loyalty, he left unsaid. Selmy mistrusted all the Meereenese, even shavepates.

Even with the suspicions about their allegiance, Dany still goes through with her decision to use the Brazen Beasts as her guards:

“And untried they shall remain unless we try them.” (ADWD Daenerys IX)

~

“How should Meereen ever come to trust the Brazen Beasts if I do not? There are good brave men beneath those masks. I put my life into their hands.” (ADWD Daenerys IX)

Dany said in the previous chapter that she "was forgetting how to trust", but we see here that that's not really true. During the feast, she was particularly unhappy and miserable about the concessions she was making and how vulnerable to the Yunkish she was becoming, so it was understandable that she would have thoughts charged with frustration. However, now that Dany seems a bit more content and less angry here, once again, her attitude goes back to being one of open-mindedness as it usually is. This makes for compelling and believable (rather than simplistic or contradictory) characterization.

I also like how this decision emphasizes Dany's awareness that a leader should be an example for her subjects (a recurring attitude that goes back to ACOK). Like I've said plenty of times already, she always holds herself accountable - if Queen Daenerys shows that they are trustworthy, eventually, the citizens of Meereen will also feel safe under the protection of this new city watch.

Finally, to appease Barristan, Dany reminds him that she has him and Belwas by her side, which she believes should be enough. Now we've come full circle: if, in ADWD Daenerys I, Dany considered Barristan's feedback and her available options and chose the one she thought was the least worst for a job (the Unsullied), here in ADWD Daenerys IX she is shown doing the same thing (the Brazen Beasts). She's willing to trust in her freedmen both at the beginning and the end.

How Dany assesses the advice she receives

Barristan Selmy

Barristan warns Dany that the Unsullied aren't well-suited to ask people about what happened to Stalwart Shield nor inquire about the Sons's activities (ADWD Dany I).

Dany considers her available options and concludes that the Unsullied are still the best choice for now.

In the reopening of Daznak's Pit, Barristan recommends that Dany uses the Unsullied to protect her rather than the Brazen Beasts due to his distrust in them, his uncertainty about their skills and his fear that the Sons are still around (ADWD Dany IX).

Dany still decides to use the Brazen Beasts as her guards because she thinks she should trust them before everyone else does.

Daario Naharis

Daario is in favor of Dany gathering all the masters in the Temple of the Graces under the false pretense of marrying Hizdahr and killing them all (ADWD Dany IV).

Dany is horrified by Daario's suggestion and, after he challenges her, sends him away.

 Reznak mo Reznak

Reznak is against any sort of punishment to the nobles for the Sons's murders (ADWD Dany I, II).

In the first chapter, Dany follows his advice, but not because she is pro-nobility, but rather because she doesn't want to punish people indiscriminately.

In the second chapter, Dany doesn't follow his advice.

The Shavepate

The Shavepate recommends the killing of a man from each family for Stalwart Shield's death and the killing of two if another death occurs (ADWD Dany I).

Dany decides not to follow his advice because she is avoiding to punish people indiscriminately. 

He also suggests torturing the daughters of the wineseller while he watches (ADWD Dany II).

Dany follows his advice.

Later, he urges Dany to kill the child hostages to prevent the murders from continuing (ADWD Dany IV).

Dany doesn't follow his advice because she doesn't want more innocent children like Hazzea dying.

At last, he proposes torturing Hizdahr (because he believes he's involved with the Harpy's Sons) and seizing people from the ruling families so that Dany can get her ships back (ADWD Dany V).

Dany doesn't follow his advice because his previous tortures didn't bring any trustworthy results.

Verdict

Dany takes responsibility for Stalwart Shield's death by a) waking up at night, b) ordering that he's properly buried and honored, c) offering more gold to anyone who might give clues about the murderers and d) forbiding her soldiers to walk at night. All of these decisions are made on her own.

Dany increases the offer of gold for information concerning the Harpy's Sons from one hundred to one thousand honors. This decision is made on her own.

Dany allows the torture of the wineseller's daughters by the Shavepate after his manipulation.

Dany a) orders Grey Worm to release the Unsullied from their duties at night, b) creates the Brazen Beasts (and a blood tax to pay them), c) forbids the nobles from leaving the city with their gold and stores of food and d) takes two hostages from each pyramid. All of these decisions are made on her own.

Dany organizes the freedmen into three companies (Mother's Men, Stalwart Shields, Free Brothers). This decision is made on her own.

Dany promises to marry Hizdahr if he's able to give her ninety days with no murders in the city. This decision is made on her own.

[gothamblacka]

'it's not theoretical anymore.'

“ you’re right. ” it hurts to admit erik is right, but the graveness of the situation had him sweep his pride under the carpet. “ and people are needlessly dying beca—mm, fuc—hmm!! ” he grit his teeth to stifle the volume on his curse. with how his luck been going for him, he’ll need gain to favor with god. that rules out cussing in his house. the little gift a peacekeeper foot soldier gave his side earlier forced him to take painful pregnant pauses. 

if he lived to be as old as his father, he can see himself relocated in a nice remote area down south, telling his grandkids just how much he hated uranium bullets from the comfort of his rocking chair. he was down bad right now and his injury let him know it.

jace looks up at the crucified figure of black jesus and felt a pit of shame in his heart. so great of a horrible feeling he felt in that pit that it forced him to slam his eyes shut on his savior and focus on the pain of his wound. his expression aggrieved, he expels a exasperated sigh. he had to keep himself together. at least until vol made it to the church with the tools to operate on him. admitting himself in any hospital right now is a death sentence he’s not ready to hand himself.

the pain gave him room to think about the fractures of his beliefs. it’s been so long since god and jace shared a good relationship. he’s unsure just how much forgiveness his son, a man who sacrificed it all, can have in his heart. their connection almost felt abusive if one thought about it in that sense. he guesses that’s what made jesus so great—jesus just didn’t think that way. that’s insecurity being the devil and paralyzing his confidence. making him unsure of everything that he’s doing here in gotham.

jace took a deep breath and opens his eyes back up. this time it seemed like jesus’ corpus statue was staring right back at him. but it wasn’t with the face the sculptor chiseled for this image. the face was his own! did jesus want me bugging out or did the peacekeepers change their forte and resort to fusing hallucinogenic agents with their ammunition? he doubts its either one. maybe jesus is in my subconscious to try to tell me that i’m a grown damn man and that i should be considering what vol said earlier, because he actually made sense.

the agony his side was causing him made it a bitch to remember it in full but vol made it a point to emphasize he’s moving directionless and needed to stop avoiding making the extreme plays. maybe that’s why i called erik here. oh, who am i trying to fool? that’s the reason he’s here. the right number in his contacts this whole time—a chekhov’s gun. 

perhaps that is the reason why he is garbed in a tailored double breasted three-piece black suit. like a brother handing out final call newspapers in harlem, giving people the truth. or a panther chieftain appearing proper and regal at a gathering of world leaders and their delegates, but ready to appear as a chief of war. or really, he could be dressed for his own funeral. that’s why he was here, in the house of god. to try to get right with him as he prepares to do something that can very well kill his consciousness when it was all said and done. this could all be a terrible a mistake. whatever the outcome is, it’ll be his pill to swallow.

jace sighs and holds his head down. “ the people need something more than what i’m able to give right now. i need us to work together. ” his eyes darkened at the thought of what there may be to come as he glances over at his comrade. “ i need your help, brother. ”

@falsedking | continued.

[safetypinkerton]

Hollywood Propaganda by Mark Dice 

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/hollywood-propaganda-mark-dice/1137833508

Christianity Under Attack

In order to destroy America, the conspirators are determined to eradicate faith in God and dismantle organized Christianity. Attacking Jesus and Christianity is a sacrament in Hollywood because the far-Left hates Jesus and everything He stands for. It’s not an overstatement to say that many in key positions of power in the entertainment industry (and politics) are Satanists who will someday openly embrace Lucifer as the rebel angel kicked out of Heaven for defying God.

  “I’m glad the Jews killed Christ,” ranted comedian Sarah Silverman in one of her comedy specials. “Good. I’d fucking do it again!” she declares, as her audience agrees in laughter.158 While accepting an Emmy Award one year Kathy Griffin said, “A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn’t help me a bit…so all I can say is suck it Jesus! This award is my god now!”159

I’m not saying people shouldn’t be able to make fun of Christians, but no mainstream celebrity would dare make such insults or jokes about Muhammad because Muslims (and Jews) are vigorously protected against any criticism or mockery and only wonderful things can be said about them. Even a slightly edgy joke ignites a barrage of attacks with cries of “Islamophobia” or “anti-Semitism” and gears start moving in the well-funded and massive smear machines like the ADL and the SPLC which quickly move to destroy the person’s career before they can utter another word.

Hating Christians is almost as necessary as believing in climate change if you’re going to be a mainstream Hollywood celebrity. There are very few open Christians in Hollywood, most of them are has-beens like Kevin Sorbo and Kirk Cameron who have been basically blacklisted since being open about their faith.

  Kevin Sorbo was banned from Comicon because he’s a conservative and “pals with Sean Hannity.”160 He and other Christian actors are stuck doing low budget films that get little attention. They’re allowed to exist (for now) as long as they never point out the Bible’s teachings on homosexuality. Only watered down and generic Christian messages are allowed to be said.

After Guardians of the Galaxy star Chris Pratt appeared on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and happened to discuss his “spirituality,” many online began attacking him for being a Christian and attending a church. Actress Ellen Page (a lesbian) from the X-Men and Inception tweeted, “If you are a famous actor and you belong to an organization that hates a certain group of people, don’t be surprised if someone simply wonders why it’s not addressed. Being anti LGBTQ is wrong, there aren’t two sides. The damage it causes is severe. Full stop.”161

Singer Ellie Goulding threatened to back out of her scheduled performance at the 2019 Thanksgiving NFL halftime show if the Salvation Army didn’t pledge to donate money to LGBT causes. She got the idea after her Instagram comments were flooded with complaints from her fans because the Salvation Army was sponsoring the game to announce their annual Red Kettle Campaign (bell ringers) fundraiser for the homeless.162 Since the Salvation Army is a Christian charity, Goulding’s fans freaked out, accusing them of being “homophobic” and “transphobic.”

They quickly bowed to the pressure and “disavowed” any anti-LGBT beliefs, which basically means they’re disavowing the Bible because even the New Testament denounces homosexuality in Romans 1:26-27 and 1st Corinthians 6:9-10. Many critics claim that only the Old Testament does, but the Book of Romans makes it clear that just because Jesus came to offer salvation doesn’t mean God’s law regarding homosexuality changed.

The Salvation Army also removed a “position statement” from their website that had made it clear “Scripture forbids sexual intimacy between members of the same sex,” and replaced it with one saying “We embrace people regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity.”163 One of the world’s largest Christian charities whose very name “The Salvation Army” refers to the salvation of Christ, cowardly bowed down to the Leftist activists out of fear they would be branded “homophobic.”

Christians are easy targets since they’re much more passive than Jews and Muslims when attacked, and Hollywood loves to stereotype them as a bunch of superstitious bigots who don’t know how to have fun. In the rare case that there is a movie favorable to Christianity that gets widespread distribution, that too is attacked.

Passion of the Christ was deemed “anti-Semitic” because it depicts the story of Jesus’ arrest, sham trial, and crucifixion.164 It was the most popular film about the events to be made and wasn’t a straight to DVD release like most others. With Mel Gibson behind it, the film became a huge success, which caused a tremendous backlash.

The ADL [Anti-Defamation League] denounced the film, saying it “continues its unambiguous portrayal of Jews as being responsible for the death of Jesus. There is no question in this film about who is responsible. At every single opportunity, Mr. Gibson’s film reinforces the notion that the Jewish authorities and the Jewish mob are the ones ultimately responsible for the Crucifixion.”165 That’s because that’s what happened!

Technically, the Romans did it, but at the behest of the Jewish leadership in Jerusalem at the time. The Bible makes it very clear what led to Jesus being crucified. Pontius Pilate is quoted in Matthew 27:24 saying, “I am innocent of this man’s blood,” and “It is your responsibility!” meaning the Jewish Pharisees. They were the ones who conspired to have Jesus arrested and killed for “blasphemy” and being a “false” messiah. Pontius Pilate even offered to release Jesus, but the crowd demanded he release Barabbas instead, another man who was being detained for insurrection against Rome, and for murder.166

A critic for the New York Daily News called The Passion of the Christ, “the most virulently anti-Semitic movie made since the German propaganda films of the Second World War.”167 Many others angrily denounced the film when it came out in 2004. Some in the media even blamed it for a supposed “upsurge” in anti-Semitic hate crimes.168

When the History Channel miniseries The Bible was released in 2013, the same cries of “anti-Semitism” rang out.169 The New York Times opinion editor Bari Weiss went so far as to say that it’s a “conspiracy theory” that Jews killed Jesus.170

Even though most Christmas movies aren’t overtly Christian and instead focus of the importance of families reuniting and spending time together, that doesn’t mean they’re not going to come under attack. As the war on western culture continues, the Marxists have set their sights on Christmas too.

Online liberal cesspool Salon.com ran a headline reading “Hallmark movies are fascist propaganda,” and complained they promote “heteronormative whiteness” because there aren’t enough LGBT characters or people of color in them.171

“Hallmark movies, with their emphasis on returning home and the pleasures of the small, domestic life, also send a not-at-all subtle signal of disdain for cosmopolitanism and curiosity about the larger world,” Salon said, “which is exactly the sort of attitude that helps breed the kind of defensive White nationalism that we see growing in strength in the Donald Trump era.”172

The article went on to say that because the Hallmark Channel airs so many Christmas movies, it is promoting, “a set of patriarchal and authoritarian values that are more about White evangelicals defining themselves as an ethnic group, and not about a genuine feeling of spirituality…The very fact that they’re presented as harmless fluff makes it all the more insidious, the way they work to enforce very narrow, White, heteronormative, sexist, provincial ideas of what constitutes ‘normal.’”173

The article wasn’t satire. Salon.com has a deep-seated hatred of Christianity, conservatives and families, and is another cog in the Cultural Marxist machine working to destroy the United States.

Comedian Whitney Cummings was reported to the Human Resources department of a major Hollywood studio after she wished the crew of a TV show she was working on “Merry Christmas” when they wrapped up for the year. She made the revelation while speaking with Conan O’Brian the following December. “Last year, I was working on a TV show, [and] got in trouble with Human Resources for saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to an intern,” she began.174

Conan asked her if she was being serious and she said it was a true story, elaborating, “I was leaving, like on the 18th or whatever…and I was like, ‘Bye guys, Merry Christmas.’” When she returned from vacation after New Year’s she was called to HR and scolded. She joked, “I don’t even care how your Christmas was. It was just a formality. It’s what you say when you leave.”175

Conan O’Brien then replied, “In these times we’re in, that could trigger someone or offend them if it’s not their holiday.”176 She didn’t say which network it was, but she’s been involved with some major shows like NBC’s Whitney (where she played the main character), as well as the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls, which she created and was a writer for.

While today it may seem impossible that Christmas movies may become a thing of the past, nobody could have ever guessed that reruns of the classic Dukes of Hazzard would get banned after the Confederate flag was deemed a “hate symbol” in 2015, or that Aunt Jemima pancake syrup, Eskimo Pie ice cream bars, and Uncle Ben’s Rice would be deemed “racially insensitive” and pulled from production a few years later.177

Once someone reminds liberals that the word Christmas is derived from Christ’s Mass and that it is actually a commemoration of the birth of Jesus, they may finally go over the edge and deem Christmas just as offensive as Columbus Day or the Fourth of July. And with the Muslim and Sikh populations increasing in the United States, the American standard of Christmas music playing in shopping malls and retail stores all month long every December may one day come to an end because it’s not “inclusive” and leaves non-Christians feeling “ostracized.”

[faejilly]

ashes of roses 2/3

idk how to blurb this. Have some Magnus! Because I love him! (And so does the rest of the Shadow World!)

@shadowhunterbingo square: Summoning (As in people who think they’re important want something out of you, not as in more magic.)

It took longer than Magnus had hoped it would, to finally receive a formal message from the Acting Inquisitor's Office with a summons to the trial.

Magnus understood why it had taken so long, considering the changes they were making. It was a lot, letting the rest of the Shadow World into Alicante, choosing delegates for the Tribunal that would oversee the trial, making sure the attendees knew, at least in general, how the trial would work, what the Silent Brother would be doing, who had leave to speak when, and so on and so forth, so it wouldn't be drawn out for too long. All of that took time, Magnus knew that, but he'd begrudged every damnable second of it, every moment that Alexander had to walk around his Institute knowing that the people who'd tried to destroy him were right there, waiting for him to make a mistake, just a few floors down.

But now it was almost over.

Fucking finally.

Alec came home early that night, and when Magnus looked at him, eyebrows raised in surprise, Alec lifted his own summons. "We've all been relieved of duty until the trial's completed."

"All?" Magnus stepped closer, trying to decide if this was something worth getting angry about. "You mean they attacked you, and now you are being punished?"

Alec shook his head, and leaned in to give Magnus a brief glancing kiss against his cheek. "No, I mean they're making sure we're free to attend the trial without any implications of conflicts of interests or having to answer any emergency calls from our Institute."

"Oh." Magnus begrudgingly admitted to himself that that was actually reasonable. "That makes sense."

"Shocking, I know." Alec answered drily. "They manage it occasionally."

"Very rarely." Magnus poked Alec in the chest to emphasize his point, and also to see Alec roll his eyes. "Early dinner?"

Alec smiled, and for all he looked tired, he also looked less tense than he'd been in the weeks since the attack. "Sounds perfect. Though we should probably make sure we get enough for Jace and Izzy, they're liable to realize they're bored and need a distraction some time in the next five minutes."

Magnus' lips twitched. "You don't think they'll last at least an hour?"

"Well, we got these around lunch-time, I just uh..." Alec trailed off.

"Took longer to get everything situated for whoever is taking over?"

"Actually, no?" Alec shifted on his feet, almost as if he was embarrassed. "They sent Lydia, since she's familiar with the Institute, and she and I spent two hours... catching up?"

Magnus snorted. "You mean you were bitching about every other Nephilim you've either of you ever had to work with who is less brilliant than the two of you?"

Alec smiled, and shrugged. "Maybe."

"Wait." Magnus lifted a hand, a flutter of anticipation in his chest. "Does that mean you have no work at all until the trial starts next week?"

Alec's smile widened into a full-fledged grin. "It does, indeed."

"And you were going to let me just... order extra take-out?" Magnus placed a hand on his chest over his heart, leaned back just a little to emphasize his horror. "Rather than celebrating properly?"

Alec laughed, and Magnus' chest ached at the sound; he didn't think he'd heard him laugh properly in weeks.

"You're right, that was terribly short-sighted of me." Alec echoed Magnus’ earlier gesture, his hand to his heart as he bowed forward. "I beg your forgiveness."

"Well, I guess I can do that. If you get an overnight bag packed in the next fifteen minutes."

Alec lifted his eyebrows.

"I think we'll start with dinner in Paris?" Magnus clapped his hands, and spun around on his heel to head towards the bedroom and pack his own bag. "And then maybe southern Spain or Italy? A nice relaxing beach sounds just about perfect."

Alec hummed his agreement as he followed, and Magnus bounced up onto the balls of his feet. It was going to be great. He was going to have Alec all to himself for a few days, and they'd be calm and collected in front of the Tribunal and those Circle bastards would be crucified.

And then... well. And then they'd be moving to Alicante, and Magnus still had no idea what he was going to do there, but hell, he'd never tried being a house husband. Nothing wrong with spoiling his husband for a few years. They'd figure it out.

But first, dinner somewhere made with too much butter and just enough wine, and then several days of just the two of them, with as little clothing as possible.

And then he got another fire message.

Magnus sighed, and grabbed it out of the air. It was on Spiral Labyrinth letter-head, and he sighed again.

"Nevermind, go order take-out, I apparently get to have a conversation with the Council right now. But!" He spun around, pointing at Alec, who straightened up, his smile still hovering around his mouth. "I still expect you to pack that bag, we are taking some time off, I don't care what it takes."

"Yes, Magnus." Alec nodded, just seriously enough to be a tease. "Thai?"

"Hmm." Magnus frowned. "Chinese?"

"Sounds good." Alec gave him another kiss, a quick brush of his mouth on Magnus', just enough to make Magnus smile. "I'll make sure you know when it gets here."

"Thank you."

Magnus shut the door to his apothecary behind him, and frowned down at the message. They wanted to talk to him, and he really hated the spell he had to use for it, but the Spiral Labyrinth was warded the way it was for very good reasons.

Magnus sighed for about the fifth time in three minutes, and pulled the scrying mirror he needed out of his safe.

"Bane!" Lui Injala answered the mirror on the other end, their truly annoying grin even brighter than usual.

"Lightwood-Bane," Magnus corrected.

"Exactly!" Injala somehow looked even more delighted.

Magnus rolled his eyes. "What."

"Lightwood-Bane," they repeated, as if that made any sense. "That's exactly what we need in Alicante."

Magnus frowned. "Is this about the trial?"

Injala lifted their hands and waved them back and forth in a 'not-quite' gesture. "Inspired by, perhaps?"

"And?"

"Well." Injala huffed out a breath, and their expression turned serious. "It was very difficult to find people for the Tribunal who didn't already have opinions about you, or who didn't owe you favors, potential conflict of interest, blah blah, you know the drill."

"I suppose." Magnus frowned. "I don't know everyone in the Shadow World, Injala."

"Close enough!" Injala's grin was back, and Magnus barely swallowed a groan. "Even when you don't know someone, you helped someone they do know, or occasionally your showed them up at a party or something and they kind of want to dunk you the ocean for a couple hours 'til you stop looking so put together."

Magnus snorted. "Well, that's not very nice."

"Even half the people you've sat judgement against still respect you." Injala leaned forward, until their eyes took up most of the mirror. "That's quite the accomplishment."

"Thank you?"

"You're welcome." Injala sat back. "So I assume your husband told you that the Nephilim are looking to keep Idris open to the rest of the Shadow World after the trial?"

Magnus nodded.

"We need someone there, we think, as a reliable resource for anyone who needs assistance while they're there, even if it's just visiting, and we especially need someone already settled there to help anyone who takes the Nephilim up on their invitation to stay."

"You need an ambassador?" Magnus wondered why he hadn't thought of that, because of course they would. They couldn't very well expect the Nephilim to know how to be welcoming on their own, even if they were finally operating under good intentions this time. "Did you want a recommendation?"

"Don't be dense." Injala rolled their eyes with a groan. "I'm already talking to Magnus Lightwood-Bane, the only warlock in the world who can already get into Alicante whenever he damn well wants to."

Oh.

Magnus blinked.

"You want me?"

"To be the first High Warlock of Alicante, and serve as liaison to the Inquisitor and Consul of the Nephilim, yes."

"You trust me to represent us to my husband?" Magnus tilted his head, considering. "You know I'll put him first."

"But he's made it very clear that he'll also put you first. It's a good balance. If the Nephilim are willing to risk it, so are we." Injala grinned, their teeth bright and sharp looking. "And if you fuck it up, we'll have words."

Magnus snorted. That, at last, was normal when dealing with the Council. "Let me talk it over with Alec, but I think we can do that."

"Glad to hear it, High Warlock."

Magnus waved, as overtly and obnoxiously cheerful as Injala had ever been. "Nice talking to you, Councilor."

The light in the mirror faded, and Magnus hummed, looking at his own reflection.

High Warlock of Alicante.

It had a nice ring to it.

Magnus watched his reflection smile, and stood up to go talk to Alec.

Guess I won't be a house-husband just yet, after all.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

🍪 take a cookie because you deserve it :),, also please tell me about geralt and yennifer and also is the witcher easy to watch without knowing much about the source material ???

I watched three episodes of Witcher with zero context whatsoever, understood everything, enjoyed it hugely, read about 200K of fic, watched three more episodes, read the first book in the series, and finished the show.  As long as you are prepared for the fact that, A, the timelines of the three main characters converge, they are not concurrent, and, B, it’s not Game of Thrones and it’s not trying to be Game of Thrones, you will be ABSOLUTELY fine.

(Do critics just…not use critical thinking skills?  Half of everyone I’ve talked to said that this show was impossible to follow.  It is not impossible to follow.  Yennefer and Geralt are just really old.  Also, everyone and their cousin is like “well it’s not GoT” yeah???? Obviously????  “This isn’t chili” “No, it’s chicken pot pie” “I wanted chili” “Then go have some chili I guess???  This is chicken pot pie.  Still a food, just not that food.”  It’s not Game of Thrones.  If you want Game of Thrones, go watch that instead, or read the books, or maybe watch some Avatar and calm down.  Stop crucifying every fantasy product for not being Game of Thrones II.)

TL;DR: Yeah dude you’ll be totally fine, watch this show.  And then if you don’t mind spoilers for the rest of the (book and game) series, read Astolat’s Witcher fic.

ANYWAY

Geralt and Yennefer.  This got…very long.

Here’s the fairly unique emotion I’m feeling about this relationship: I think it’s absolutely in-character and believable, I’m completely convinced that Geralt and Yennefer would end up together, and I am equally convinced that their relationship has a pretty hard expiration date on it.  I’m not sure I’ve ever actually been interested in a relationship dynamic that I took one look at and went “oh, wow, this is going to break down hard the second your need to help people even when they hate you and her need to get revenge on people who hate her are in conflict.”  That’s very novel for me, because normally I like endgame relationships.  I find breakup drama exhausting.  I have dumped two people ever and both times I was very nice for ten minutes and then very short-tempered for the rest of the conversation.

But I���m really invested in the breakdown here.  And I’m really invested in how completely inevitable the relationship is, despite what I consider to be the equally inevitable calamitous breakup.

The thing is, Geralt has lived his entire life as a witcher, which means that the world is divided into two groups for him: people who are dependent on him as a witcher, and people who hate and fear him as a witcher.  (There are also Other Witchers, but with so few of them left that they fall pretty heavily into the ‘people who depend on him’ category.)  There is a not-inconsiderable amount of overlap in that Venn diagram, but that’s pretty much how it is on this bitch of a Continent.  The people who Geralt is drawn to, in whatever context, tend to be the rare handful who fall outside that binary metric in some way.

Renfri could use help from him, but she’s more than able to handle herself.  In fact, when the chips are down, her final gamble is to just remove him from the field of play, and try to resolve the situation alone.

Triss needs him in a professional capacity, but she brings just as much to the table as he does, both in terms of political knowledge about the striga situation and in terms of dragging his battered ass out of the castle before he can quietly bleed out.  She’s not looking for a rescuer, she’s looking for a tank to complement her glass cannon.

Jaskier needs Geralt to save him (in the show)…but only because he was usually the one to get them into trouble in the first place.  And he sticks around once he’s been saved, once he isn’t depending on Geralt to get him out alive anymore.

Even Ciri, who is absolutely dependent on him in a very literal and legal sense, is distinctly different from the general populace, who need a witcher to pull them out of trouble.  She’s one of probably very few people who’s ever been dependent on Geralt as a person, rather than a hired killer.  Sure, it’s helpful that he can kill anyone who looks crooked at her, but she also needs to eat, and to learn to use a sword, and to be trained in things like magic and languages, and all the things that a kid needs from a parent.  That’s radically different from Geralt’s experience of being depended on as a witcher.

But Yennefer…Yennefer doesn’t need Geralt.  She’s not dependent on Geralt.  She’s not afraid of Geralt in any way, let alone just because he’s a witcher–in fact, she barely seems to notice that he’s a witcher, except in the way that it makes them alike.  Geralt’s taste in partners is obviously “people who are not afraid of him” with very few other requirements, and Yennefer is a powerful mage, someone who would be able to take down a witcher without difficulty.  She’s also well-educated, very clever, and completely fearless about the world in general.  That’s everything Geralt finds compelling, all with the added bonus of an extremely pretty face.  It makes complete narrative sense that Geralt is in love with her.

Incidentally I do not believe that Geralt wished for Yennefer to be in love with him, because it wouldn’t track with the rest of his character and would be a level of vulnerability he works hard to avoid.  I do believe that he might have said something rash like “I wish I wouldn’t lose her” and now they are here.  It’s important to think your wishes through when dealing with an angry wish-granting being.

On Yennefer’s end of things, she has only ever wanted two things: to be respected and to be wanted.  In any capacity that might be available to her.  I think this is really the major driving force of her desire to have children–she’s not overwhelmingly interested in children as a phenomenon, and I think that in another life she wouldn’t want them.  But she said it herself, she wants a child because she always wanted to be important to someone.  It’s not about the kid.  She’s obsessed with the idea that she will always be important to a child.  A child would be completely dependent on her, completely devoted to her, no matter what.

(Side note: this is a bad reason to have kids!  Geralt is right and she would be a bad mother.  She’s also obsessed with having kids because she can’t handle the revelation that she’s not happy with the deal she made, and she’s focused all that discontent into the literal, tangible loss of being able to carry a child.  But “Yennefer actually probably does not want a child and is rampantly projecting all her issues onto the most readily available problem she can find” is a separate post.  Probably the first pregnancy-centric plotline I’ve ever been able to handle without feeling violently dysphoric, though.)

The thing is, when she meets Geralt during the djinn fiasco, he needs her.  He’s dependent on her.  She’s important to him because of what she can do for him, which is how she’s set up her life.  When he comes back to save her, though, he’s not doing it for payment, or for a favor, or for any of the other clean, linear exchanges that Yennefer is used to.  He just…comes back.  For her.  Because she’s a person.

Yennerfer has never been important just as…a person, before.  She’s important as a mage, she’s important as a student, she’s important as a project or a protector.  But from the second Geralt comes back for her, she’s important to him as a person.  The fact that almost any person would be on the level of “important enough to save from a rampaging djinn and their own stupidity” to Geralt is completely superfluous to how hard that hits Yennefer.  Of course she’s in love with him.  Of course she keeps looking for him, keeps pouring on the charm whenever she’s with him–she wants him to keep wanting her.  Because that’s how she knows to make herself important to someone, is to make them want her.

(This is also where it gets interesting with Ciri, because…well, if Yennefer really just wanted kids, she could do worse than the news of the girl who’s Geralt’s daughter in the eyes of the law.  But she’s furious, because her views of family are intensely skewed and limited by her experiences.  Also a separate post that I will probably make after reading some more of the books.)

Regarding the inevitably dramatic breakdown of their relationship (beyond the falling out over the djinn thing, which, see above), I think they’re under the impression that if they do it right, they could stand the test of time.  They’re both extremely long-lived, so the test of time has the potential to be a while, but I frankly don’t think they’d make it outside of a conflict-heavy environment (like, say, a war).  When they have a mutual goal, or at least a mutual enemy, Geralt and Yennefer work together like a right and left hand.  When they do not, they fall apart something fierce, because they’re driven by intrinsically different motives.  Geralt, for all that he tries to be as cynical as possible, has been trained his entire life to protect people, and considers it a worthwhile goal in and of itself.  Yennefer, on the other hand, is as innately self-motivated as Geralt pretends to be, which means that she’s driven heavily by what feels best for her in the moment.  Sometimes that means healing a wounded bard and talking quietly with a witcher about their mutual scars!  Sometimes that means leaving a woman to die for calling her a worthless bitch!  This is a morally neutral statement that I’m making, there’s a generous and an ungenerous way to read Yen’s decisions, but I think we can agree that she’s not exactly following a rulebook here.  Yennefer has her goals and she’s going to achieve them, and fuck you for getting in her way.

Including Geralt.

I think that, virtually without question, Yennefer’s self-oriented hedonistic drive and Geralt’s protection-based code will clash, and their relationship will break down in spectacular fireworks.  Having to self-determine, during peace time, is practically guaranteed to bring those two motivating factors into conflict eventually.  Because during peace time, Geralt will be back to being the hated witcher and Yennefer won’t have a better enemy to focus on than the civilians he risks his life for on the regular.  And Geralt demonstrably does not respond well to that.

[hieromonkcharbel]

CRUCIFYING MY BIG FAT EGO

I came across this little story from an Orthodox monk, Fr. Cosmas, that humorously captures something interesting about the common life, how we judge others and our struggles with pride. It struck me as a good story to meditate upon …

“I love hearing about the experiences others have had in the monastic life. When I visit another monastery or when other monastics visit us, I look forward to what they have to say. It helps me understand our own life here.

One such occasion came quite some time back when a couple of nuns we knew drove from hundreds of miles away to come and see us, bringing along their portable sewing machine. They had offered to fix any of our cassocks that had fallen into disrepair, sew buttons back on, put patches where needed, and stitch up any ripped spots. They knew, of course, that we holy fathers and brothers were perfectly capable of doing this for ourselves, but they also knew—after all, these women weren’t born yesterday—that we were just as capable of ignoring the need to be presentable for as long as we could manage it.

At any rate, right after lunch one day I asked the senior of the two nuns about something that had been on my mind. I was curious to see how her experience compared with mine. “Tell me, Mother Elizabeth,” I said, “I think you’ve been in the monastic life as long as I have and I wonder what your impressions have been. Has anything especially struck you as you continue your life as a nun while new women come in?”

“Yeah—,” she replied, “I can give you something. For sure. You know what chaps my hide? I’ll tell you. See Sister Anna there?”—and she nodded discretely at her sister in Christ across the room—“Look how she’s got that prayer rope of hers hanging off her belt instead of wrapping it around her wrist or keeping it in her pocket. Well, I used to do that back in my novice days and I got rebuked for it big time. In public, no less. Mortifying, I tell you. The abbess gave us a whole big speech about it one time and everybody kept glancing it me with their little grins enjoying it as I got chewed out. I could have just died on the spot. All about how if we wanted to become real nuns, we needed to act like ladies. But her, my beloved sister, God bless her—she gets away with it!”

I laughed. I knew what she meant. I was delighted by the part about how nuns should be ladies because it reminded me of something our abbot had told us—that if we had joined the brotherhood to engage in spiritual warfare, we should behave like officers, not enlisted men. You don’t usually associate the terms “nuns and monks” with “ladies and gentlemen,” but clearly that connection belonged to our tradition.

Her main point, though, was what impressed me most because I saw that she had reacted the way I have reacted to similar situations. Perhaps her comments could provide me with some edifying food for thought. When similar things happened I always asked the same sorts of questions. Why do others get away with things I get corrected for? Why do others get a better break than I do? Why do others receive special favors? Why should I accept correction about something when some else gets away with the very same thing? I guess I have a tendency sometimes to think everything’s unfair, but maybe that’s just the interpretation my ego puts on my experience.

We say that the monastic life requires ascetic struggle. No problem. I signed up for that. I’m a tough guy, a warrior, a commando, a guerrilla in the spiritual battle. I can even picture myself wearing a hair shirt, loading myself with a hundred pounds of iron chains, reduced to bread and water, standing on a rock for a thousand days in prayer—okay, I have to shift my mind into high gear to imagine things like that, but I can ponder those things as possibilities—but you know what I have a really hard time contemplating? You know what seems totally beyond my comprehension and imagination? What seems way beyond my reach—the prospect of crucifying my big fat ego. All the other stuff, the strictly physical self-denial—shucks, what a piece of cake in comparison! But here’s the sixty-four thousand dollar question—can I really learn to see someone else get something good that doesn’t come my way or accept correction when others escape it, and not take it personally?

Let’s face it—this all comes down to my ego telling me that it’s all about me. Yeah, I said I would endure in the ascetic life to my last breath and all that stuff, but how come my brother in Christ over there has an easier time of it than I do, at least according to my self-righteous comparison?

We get plenty of reminders that we shouldn’t look at things that way. For example, all the way through Great Lent our services include St. Ephraim’s prayer with the wonderful line, “Grant me to see my own sins and not to judge my brother.” Shouldn’t that suggest that I stop focusing my attention on the fact that someone else wasn’t rebuked for something when I was? In plain old ordinary English, could it be that I just need to mind my own business?

Let’s return to the old statement that if we joined the brotherhood to engage in spiritual warfare, we should behave like officers, not enlisted men. When I compare my situation to someone else’s and gripe about it, I am acting just like a recruit. Recruits complain about the treatment they receive while officers accept the fact that on the one hand they give orders to those below them, but on the other hand they also have to carry out the orders they receive from above. The Gospel of Luke gives an example of a centurion who applied his military discipline to spiritual matters in a way that impressed even Jesus. I’m thinking of the man who asked Jesus to heal his sick servant. He sent word to Jesus saying, “Lord, do not trouble Yourself, for I am not worthy to have You come under my roof; therefore I did not presume to come to You. But say the word, and let my servant be healed. For I am a man set under authority, with soldiers under me: and I say to one, ‘Go,’ and he goes, and to another, ‘Come,’ and he comes; and to my slave, ‘Do this,’ and he does it” (Luke 7: 6-8). In other words, he recognized that the demons were under Jesus’ authority just as he was under the authority of officers above him and others were under his own authority. When Jesus heard this, He commented, “I tell you, not even in Israel have I found such faith.”

If I want to be an officer and a gentleman—as we monks must strive to be—then I need to see my own sins and not judge my brother. I need to carry out the orders that are given to me and take the correction that is offered to me. And in fact if I insist on comparing myself to my brothers in Christ, I might do better to tell myself that if I have received rebukes that my brothers haven’t, what it really means is that I’ve had an opportunity for advanced officer training.”

(from the blog “Christ is in our midst”