#but i am watching every single one of these lives no matter the consequences it has on my already broken sleep schedule :D

[xxxantanddeccerxxx]

i love love love LOVE these lives. i hope they do them for every im a celeb from now on

[hand-picked-star]

It's not a khushi bashing post.Just because I am highlighting a mistake of her,it doesn't mean that I don't love that character. Flaws would have made her more beautiful, I wished her flaws were highlighted and she would get time to work on them instead of being perfect.

I just want to highlight a certain angle of the impact of khushi's decision of not telling the raizadas about Shyam had on Anjali and Arnav.When khushi knew the truth, Anjali was not pregnant.It is really sick if you think about it, the psycho shyam was sleeping with Anjali while being obsessed with khushi and telling her that he didn't consider Anjali as his wife.The psycho might had slept with Anjali within 15-20 days before she discovered she was expecting.sick,very sick.

If khushi told them earlier then that situation could have been avoided for Anjali. Another thing the show failed to show but leave if for interpretation that how much humiliation and insult a child had to endure for their parents infidelity in society. They must had suffered that by being the offsprings of cheating father.Arnav felt the society only had accepted him when he became rich.That's why he adored the guptas so much because they accepted him despite facing his rage many times,they accepted him despite his flaws. Same goes for khushi. She accepted and loved Arnav as he was, whole-heartly.It's also the reason why Anjali worshipped Shyam.

Anyway, So, it was completely a valid reason for Anjali to think of same consequences for her child. No matter how much they loved that child but the vultures of the society would devour that child for having cheating gene in it's bloodline.The society would not spare the child whose father had no respect neither in the household not in the society just like their father.

Also growing up as a orphan or fatherless is also a pain of different genre.Our life, society and day-to-day life are constructed in a manner that we needed our father in every aspect of our life.I said it not to diminish the struggle of single mothers.Those who have grown up with your father in the picture, just imagine can you picturize a life without him?Then think the pain of an orphan, and then think of the pain of a child who is orphan inspite of it's father being alive and leveled as a person whose father was a despicable person. No mother would have wanted that for her child.That time on that hospital room two siblings relived their worst nightmare once again.Anjali was that child once upon a time who thought that life was worst than death.Arnav was that child who had already lived the life that the child would had lived. A pain that no one would understand except them.

And all of this happened, because khushi didn't tell them the truth in time, believed that a psycho, manipulator like shyam would change.The way he got engaged to khushi should have been a warning enough.Then after the reveal khushi was told firmly that she should not interact with Anjali for valid reasons. But still she didn't listen. I know her intent was good, in her heart she only wanted best for Anjali, but didn't she ignored the fact that the best for Anjali for that moment was not to interact with khushi? Khushi talked with Anjali to try to reduce her guilt, whatever you say, their interaction was not absolutely selfless from khushi's side.And this mistake of hers had almost cost Arnav his last surviving kin.Furthermore, Their relationship might not even had survived if Anjali was successful in hurting herself.

So upon first watch, watching khushi-anjali conversation and what happened afterwards, Anjali's reaction seemed exaggerated. But now in rewatch, her reaction doesn't seem excessive, does it?

My scattered thoughts (12/?)

[cassieon]

My favorite chapter: The Four Elements, from The Magick of Physics: Uncovering the Fantastical Phenomena in Everyday Life by Felix Flicker.

The way Felix Flicker begins each chapter with a storybook like passage draws me deeper into every discussion. I have always appreciated whimsical creativity, but it doesn’t often merge with the sciences, at least not in this way. This book contains meaningful discussions and explanations of condensed matter physics, from fundamental topics like the states of matter and phase transitions to spin ice and quantum field theory.

Felix presents physics not just as a magical science, but as magic itself. He refers to physics as a “modern name for magic”, to theories as “spells”, to physicists as “wizards”; Throughout the book, he manages to explain each topic in depth to stimulate the scientific mind, while also leaning into the fantastical.

This magical interpretation serves to both enchant and prepare the reader for the chapters to come, with each building on the last. This is truly one of my favorite books, for many many reasons.

Below is the very beginning of chapter two, a captivating prologue to emergence.

One day, Lady Long-Ears and Mister Calabash were beating olives from a tree. A swarm of mayflies surrounded them. Mister Calabash said: “Have you ever considered that these mayflies spend their entire lives with us, Long-Ears? We arrive at our work at dawn. By our morning tea break they are born, by our afternoon lunch break they are middle-aged, and by the time we walk home down the mountain they are dead. The lucky ones mated, but many more pass their brief and meaningless lives unnoticed, proving at most an occasional annoyance to us at our work.”

Long-Ears replied: “Their lives are no more meaningless than yours or mine. Consider this olive tree, for example. It sprouted in the time of our long-forgotten ancestors. By the time it had matured, many generations of our families had lived and died. When its time is up, you and I will have passed into obscurity.”

To this the olive tree added: “Further to your point, you two will have proven little but an occasional annoyance to me, too.

“The first people to find me left me alone. Their children’s children ate my fruit “and found them disgusting. Their grandchildren learned to salt those fruit. Since then I’ve been picked at incessantly. It was only another hundred years or so before you started growing my offspring, down there. Another generation and you were watering them properly, although not as properly as this mountain waters me.”

The mountain joined in: “I should think not.”

“Your observations, olive tree, are insufficient. To me you are all insignificant. Tree, I have watched animals evolve over countless generations to eat your fruit, just as I watched your species evolve to use the animals.

“In my youth I came from the sea and watched continents collide. As I matured I watched species come and go. To me, your entire species are mere fleeting specks. I live on the timescale of our entire planet, and understand that of the universe itself.”

The universe felt compelled to join the discussion at this point.

“Mountain, you speak of understanding my timescale, but you do not grasp that I have no such thing. I stretch long into your future and long into your past, but I also inhabit every event in between. You see the species on you come and go, but “the generations are of so little consequence to you that you cannot discern them.

“Tree, I enjoy your set of events immensely. You too are proud in your way. You see the generations of the likes of Long-Ears and Calabash, but they themselves provide you with only a fleeting glimpse of their existence.

“Mister Calabash, you claim the mayflies’ entire lives are insignificant compared to a single uneventful day of your own. Perhaps you would consider the following.

“You are all correct and all incorrect, as am I. My true nature cannot be conveyed, but I will give a crude approximation. I join each of you on your timescales, but I also contain every other event that has been and which ever will be. In your understanding, these things are happening together.

“I contain the annihilation of particles so short-lived they cannot truly be said to have existed at all, and others which exist forever without ever meeting another thing. I contain the mayflies living out their days and the planets living out theirs, and all these things are both absolutely significant and completely pointless.”

With that, Mister Calabash took back his comments about mayflies and went home and had a good hard think about what he was going to eat that evening.

[fireofjudgement]

Where the heart is

Requested here

Fandom: High&Low

Pairing: Smokey x gn!reader

Summary: For years now you've been hiding a secret from Smokey and the members of S.W.O.R.D. , one that should not have been kept this long. And now, that many innocent lives have been lost, you start to regret your choices. But there's no going back.

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: gn!reader, angst, no happy ending, swearing, mentions of sexual assault, anger, betrayal, death and fire

A/N: Thank you to the person who requested this, I really liked writing it, sorry if it's too short or not what you expected. I think I'm finally ready to go back to a more regular posting schedule, maybe 👀

--

"Never come near my house again, understood?"

You were too tired to argue with him, to remind him that it's your house too, that it's your family. Or, it used to be at least. You looked up, hoping that maybe one of the men awkwardly standing behind Smokey, forced to watch the sad scene unfolding in front of them, would help you somehow, say or do something that would change his mind, but to no avail. Afterall, you betrayed them too.

Unwillingly, and for the most part unknowingly, but it didn't matter anymore. They wouldn't listen to you, wouldn't let you explain anything, and you couldn't even blame them. You had your chance to reveal the truth, years in fact, but you decided to live a life full of lies, actively putting yourself and the people you considered friends and family, at risk. And now you were dealing with the consequences of your actions. 

"Smokey, where am I supposed to go? I've only got you..I've only ever had you.."

You finally gathered the courage to look him in the eyes but you couldn't find any sympathy or understanding in them, only disappointment. You almost wished for him to yell and scream and curse at you, maybe even slap you or push you to the ground. You knew you deserved it. You could handle his anger, you could handle physical violence. But this? This was unbearable. 

"Bullshit. Just go back where you came from. I'm sure everyone at Kuryu will welcome you with open arms, afterall you gave them so much precious information. They couldn't do all this without you. You should be proud of yourself, y/n."

His words hurt, each one like a sharp knife directed straight towards your heart. It was becoming hard to fight back tears but you didn't want to cry, you didn't want them to think you were trying to make them pity you. No, you knew they hated you and you knew they had a reason to do so. Afterall this whole mess was your fault. All the deaths, the downfall of Nameless City, the conflicts in S.W.O.R.D..no matter how hard you tried to deny it, you caused all of it.

It all started years ago, when you were still a child. You didn't remember much, blurry images of tired men in suits and angry women smelling of cheap perfume, instructing you on how to act, what to say, how to gain strangers' trust. The people of Nameless City were evil, S.W.O.R.D. members nothing but thieves, outright criminals. You were the good ones, the only ones able to save the people in the area, bring back its glory. That's what they told you. 

Back then you didn't think much about it, it was nothing but a game, an interesting way for a kid to pass the time in an otherwise boring, monotonous world the adults created for you. You enjoyed the attention they gave you, even more so their praise every time you performed especially well. It quickly became a routine - get a task, fulfill it to the best of your abilities, get a reward, repeat. Every single day, until you were ready.

You dreamed of this moment for years. You weren't exactly sure what you were supposed to be ready for, but it must have been good. Everyone around you has been talking about it for as long as you could remember, making whatever was yet to come seem like the ultimate reward. So, when you found yourself alone, miles away from the place you called home, cold, dirty and hungry, your beautiful clothes replaced by torn up, way too big ones, you were confused, to say the least. The only instructions they gave you before dropping you off was to gain the trust of people in Nameless City, act like one of them. Become one of them. Nobody was meant to know who you really were or where you came from.

It was difficult at first, this new life so different, so much more challenging than your previous one. The people around you were different too, less..civilized than you were used to. It was easy to believe they were, in fact, evil. Less than you. Needless to say, the training you received didn't really prepare you for this new lifestyle. But you weren't a quitter, oh no. Despite your young age, you were determined to succeed, no matter what obstacles life was about to throw at you. And so, understandably anxious, you began a new life. You didn't just play a character, no, you became a completely new person, a version of yourself you didn't know existed. 

Every waking hour you spent observing your new friends and family, studying their behavior, their strengths and weaknesses, their habits, goals and dreams. Your studies started with Rude Boys but they didn't end there. Using everything you learned at Kuryu, your own knowledge and your charm, you managed to get close to Smokey, the gangs leader, which then gave you an opportunity to meet the leaders of all five S.W.O.R.D gangs, as well as some other, less powerful, ones. It was surprising how quickly they accepted you as one of theirs, as part of the family. Everything you learned, every single detail, you wrote down and all those notes you sent to Kuryu. You didn't know what they were going to do with all this information but..you'd never imagine that in the end this innocent play pretend would cause so much evil, so much death and destruction. And not from S.W.O.R.D's side.

"Please Smokey..please let me explain. I'm begging you to hear me out.. "

He stayed silent at first, avoiding all eye contact, until suddenly he started walking in your direction without saying a word still, stopping close enough for your faces to almost touch. You could feel the anger he was trying so hard to contain. 

"Go ahead!" He finally spat in your face, loud enough for everyone else to hear, his voice shaky. "Explain why you spent years trying to gain our trust, learn everything about Nameless City and S.W.O.R.D. Explain why you pretended to care about us, why you called us your friends, your family. And please explain why you just stood and watched as our homes were burned, our women assaulted or taken hostage, our people..no, your people, dying and losing their loved ones in the fire. While you're at it, why don't you also explain when exactly you were planning to tell us, had one of the Doubt members we captured not exposed your plan? Or maybe you wouldn't tell us at all, instead simply disappearing after the job was done?"

Silence. What were you even supposed to say? Was there anything you could say to change his mind? Convince him and everyone else that somewhere along the way everything changed? That the older you got, the more you realised how fucked up all of this was? That the Kuryu members have never been your family, never treated you like family but simply a means to an end, that they've never cared about you like you cared about them, and that Smokey and all of the other guys were the only people you needed? Your real family? No. You knew this was the end. There was nothing you could say or do now. Maybe, if you told them the truth before the attacks, maybe if you'd warn them and prevent all the innocent lives from being taken..

But you didn't. He was right. You stood there and watched and still you said nothing, hoping for them to recover somehow and your new life to continue without them ever finding out, without having to deal with the consequences of your filthy lies, not expecting anyone on Kuryu's side to snitch or even know who you were. You were disgusted by your own behavior but there was nothing you could do about it anymore. Dropping to your knees in front of Smokey, in front of everyone you loved so much and hurt so deeply, you accepted your fate. You accepted losing the short-lived happiness you found in Nameless City. You accepted the fact that your actions killed hundreds of innocent people. And finally, you accepted the fact that you’ll never be able to fix what you’ve broken.

[hermanunworthy]

ahh you’re so nice!! humble offering of More <3

imagine growing up in a family of haunted houses. purple in the windows, sparrows in the eaves, wood from trees long dead and battered by the anger of generations of ghosts. they say if you grow up with an angry man in your home there will always be one there. every single one is haunted by his own angry man haunted by his own angry man haunted by a scream and a god shuffling into a space that could never have contained it. this is what it is to grow up in a family of haunted houses. this is what it is, to be the first oak daughter.

the anger is so quiet. it lives in you too. it is weaponized, stoked and trained to aim at the heart of an apocalypse. you reach out and wrest their hands off of you, take all that power you inherited from their prophecies and say I do not want to die here, not for this, not for you. you are more powerful than every one of their ghosts and they know it. you watch your brother grow up nearly without you.

apathy is not something they teach you in this family. you’re meant to care until it chokes you. blood stains your skin, both your mother’s and your father’s (does it matter which one is your real dad? some days it feels like even if you knew for certain, you could never have one complete person without the other. they are stitched together into something resembling a heart, or a bloodied fist).

you try to want. you try to feel. mostly it is enough that you can choose, now that you’ve made it clear they can’t stop you. the boys are nice and you could do better if you wanted to. you’re not sure you care that much at all. rejection doesn’t sting and failure rarely comes. you wonder sometimes what you are losing, in how easily everything comes to you. it’s an easy definition to give yourself, to be the one who really does just want normal, boring things. you wouldn’t know if they were boring.

they showed you the doodler and you cried. they made you kill and bite and scream. sometimes it feels like they drained it all out of you. other times you are shaking, trying to hold onto anchors before you float away, trying not to feel a kinship with something you know feels the same.

you need this rest. let the pizza job and the internship and the bright future at college carry you quietly into your twenties. maybe at twenty-three, you can try again, to be a sister. to be a person. they didn’t want a person, they wanted a prophecy and a hero and a martyr in that order, no room for Hero. Hero will eat cheap ramen in a dorm room and watch the best animes- she has the best taste in everything, just comes with the territory- and be a classmate, an intern, a young adult. Hero will stay alive. Hero will push the consequences back into the graveyard of haunted houses and disinherit the blood soaking through their floorboards.

HOLY SHITTTTT i am eating this up anon u are so good at writing im honored to be given these gifts. oh my gooood dude plz reveal urself so i can kiss u on the mouth /j

[svereds-wise-words]

Cruel Story of Youth / Naked Youth

Man, when we started watching this movie I came into it expecting the seriousness and intensity that we saw in Life of Oharu, but this film was something else. In this film the two young people, who are most likely supposed to be a larger representation of youths during that time, are wildly following passion and pleasure as the only truths of their existence. Nothing else is important to them, whether it be rules and regulations, legal matters, other family ties / relationship ties etc. We can see this clearly dictated in their actions when the main female character (Makoto) ignores the wishes of her family and lives with her boyfriend. We see it when Makoto lies to the police officers for a shorter sentence and then immediately wants to continue committing the crimes that got her put there in the first place. We see it in the guy when he ignores the older woman he is sleeping with for our main female character. When the main guy (Kiyoshi) drives the motorcycle, ignoring the effects that it may have for the person who he borrowed it from.

By driving this bike into the ocean he completely ruins it, and as a result they end up killing him for it. It creates this kind of dialogue indicating that despite their care free attitudes, that life has consequences and ignoring them will only end in harsher consequences. This happens with Makoto too when she gets a ride with another old man, willing ignorant of her own safety (I think she might have been trying the scheme again, but I can't remember exactly). This ends up with the same result that she was aiming for with every single shakedown they had attempted before; however, this time she wasn't ready for it, and when she tried to escape it killed her. This reinforces the idea that "choices have consequences" and that blindly adopting this generally western idea of 'following one's passion and damning the consequences' doesn't turn out well.

One thing that might have drawn audiences to this movie is its usage of color, but more realistically how B-rated it seems. There are many scenes that are comical in how bad or odd they feel. There is a scene where Kiyoshi puts an apple on the neck of Makoto (who just finished aborting her child), and then has an entire scene to himself just eating this apple. I'm still a bit lost to the message behind the scene, but the director chooses to film Kiyoshi eating nearly the entirety of the apple start to finish. Personally, I feel like whatever the message he was trying to send, he could have done that with an 8 second scene of him eating the apple rather than the near minute we get in the final production. The scene's with both of their deaths feel a bit B-rated as well. I am aware that this film was made in 1960; however, the way in which Makoto died just felt so unrealistic. She jumps out of a car and somehow catches her foot in the door and scrapes her face across the ground, but if you were really jumping out of a car is it even possible to get your foot stuck in the door like that?

[liliallowed]

As I am a chaotic force to challenge the will of the dust(*cough* father) loving side of things-

How about we actually take a look at the demon. They're teaching us SOMETHING. Sans taught us NOTHING. Oh, nothing against Sans of course, still enjoy the guy. However this demon is doing us a favor.

Did we deserve to be dragged into this? Technically, no. All of us have our faults in this situation. However we make the most of it!

Let's do this: Training can be over for the day or have a break, what else is there to do rather than relax. Haven't we got that one show to finish? Let's invite the demon to watch it with us. Bit of a thank you. But don't be too buddy buddy as a bit of a screw you.

Doing this could lead to us asking why.

Why are they doing this, why us, why does this any of this matter? We were mostly fine before all this. Not like it's been regrettable, unless you count the almost getting killed part. But what's the point of any of this? Giving us the reset, having our own hurtful ANF self destructive situation. What does anyone gain from it apart from senseless action that will only drive us further to crazy town?

fake answer? they're bored

real answer? they feel lonely.

"a break??" they glance at your tired body and sore posture, then back at your face. "right. forgot people actually get tired in this world..."

they hand you a water bottle that manifested out of thin air. seemingly from a pocket dimension called "inventory".

"don't you?" you ask as you suspiciously eye the water bottle, examining it for traces of poison or unsavory chemicals. it looks like an ordinary unopened bottle.

"every once a 6 FULL resets maybe. sure." they chuckle. "that's... estimated to be 15 years of your time and a single day's work for me. if you live 2.5 years each reset."

"w-wait HOW OLD ARE YOU!?"

"meh. time moves differently for me so asking that question is silly. I'm... in my early 20s if relative age is what you mean... literal age? I'd have to calculate... hmm 2X times 365 times 15... more than 109575 years of your time approximately! not to mention I've seen the birth and death of your universe like... 9X times by now... "

"you're joking. what are you, Cthulhu?"

"kinda yeah actually! summed it up pretty well!"

you blink and look at them with doubt. you knew they were dangerous but a world ending calamity and a cosmic horror beyond this dimension seemed a bit much.

"so you don't eat, sleep or rest you just... exist?"

"yep. well, I regenerate limbs and my health when I eat so eating is still benifitial to me. aaand I can't taste, or smell or feel physical pain or pleasure. I can hear and see just fine though."

you instinctively put you hand on theirs, to test it, giving it a light pich.

they did not react. didn't even flinch. their hand didn't seem to be an unfeeling object. it was warm and natural Ike any normal hand but... the lack of response to any tickling attempts you made on it confirmed it.

"how do you... feel things then?"

"it's usually just trial and error. timing, and putting different amounts of strength to something that you can't feel."

"it it like... sensory deprivation?"

"I wouldn't know. it's like asking a blind person what color is... well... after they lost their eyesight hehe. I know the feeling of taste and smell. butttt well, not here."

"oh... is that why you act so extreme?"

"kinda? but also there's always so little consequence to anything I do. so it kinda takes the fun out of it... while also making it more fun... you know? like playing chess. pawns die all the time but you can just bring them back when you reset the board! so... did it even matter that the pawns died?"

"you... see others as... toys? chess pieces?"

"mm... only the ones that forget are pawns. dusty bones is... more of a chess rival rather than a pawn himself. an equal. like you! you're also a newbie to this game that he's trying to get rid of but I won't let him."

you cringe at the thought of the concept of slaughtering people as a game yet decide to listen anyway.

"it's been just me and him for so long. the same dance the same song... and neither of us knew any better. I was scared of change and him forgetting me... or worse, forgiving me. he was scared to forget and let me go because of his vengeance."

"you WANT him to hate you!? WHY!?"

"having a faithful enemy is better company than forgetful friends. it's why I don't sugar things for you hun. I'm a bad person. feel free to rub it in, you'll only feed my ego. I wanted to spice things up a bit in this bland rivalry of ours."

"I'm... am I just a tool to you?"

"no, in fact, y/n you're one of the few people I actually give a damn about. you and riding hood of course."

"I don't know why but I find that even worse -_-"

"hehehe. glad to be a motivator for you either way goody two shoes. try not to cave into the dark side. me and bone head have waaaay too much of boring old edgy drama going on. you're a breath of fresh air."

"you... I... you're a horrible person."

"yes, and? you're point? heard that plenty times darling it starts to lose it's weight after you've committed several war crimes just for the thrill of it"

"is THAT why you gave me the reset and... are trying to train me to defend myself? a stupid GAME!?"

"mmm. yeah. that's about it. it's just cuz I'm bored. besides, dust likes you and he doesn't let just ANYONE in or let his gaurd down easily. something must've been special for him to pick you?"

"but it's NOT! IM LITERALLY JUST THE MOST AVERAGE PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE"

"an average person wouldn't have explored the kidnappers basement to save more victims. or let their curiosity get the best of them. and they wouldn't have the capacity to bother being bone head's partner or remain loyal even after knowing he will kill you despite your relationship" they pause. "or that could just be Stockholm syndrome..."

they pat you on the back. "meh, we're all a bit crazy."

you wonder if that's actually the case. they do seem to have a point... DO YOU HAVE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!?

"oh that means a lot coming from YOU."

"hehehe. you'll have to set the bar to negative hun."

[myskyperevenge]

it's been a few days since i went up here. ive been informed that its kind of telling the extent to which im touched like deeply in my heart over the boring ugly ass places i spend my time but like lets be real here most people are basically on some hot mindless bullshit vis a vis beauty like youve got people talking about like. fucking. what. literally the most boring shit ever like just incapable of forming a single relationship with anything theyve ever seen unless they've been given the wordless "okay" for it from the world at large like people wear fucking makeup and shit. thats whats really gay i think.

theres a circle of nothing around the facility just boxing you in same way the heat does you know, which makes sense because no one wants to live around this place for the same reasons no one wants to live by an airport or a cemetery or anywhere drugs are produced in significant numbers, all of which they also do out here btw. lol. anyway it's a chain; youre contained first by the heat then by the machinery and then by miles of space, empty space not even horse trails or makeshift shooting ranges or nothing like that. you dont come out here you know theres no lights.

anyway personally i think there's a lot to be said for walking on something huge and hollow. i'm pretty significantly underweight and shorter than the average adult male even though thats what i am and i wasnt expecting the metal underneath me to cave but it did. nothing gave way of course but there's something interesting about the feeling of the "ground" literally caving in under your feet. im vaguely conscious that i should be afraid of this, but that's just another sensation.

the lights are off color here but your presence makes every one of them feel like a halo shining down. i dont make a habit of thinking about or expressing my feelings but sometimes i do feel them and i think you're a dumb bitch for asking any more of me than that

churning and gurgling under the dented metal beneath my feet is laid over by the dull roar of the fans. the wind blows and from what cant be less than five stories above the ground i look down and watch him move. it's always fascinated me the way clothing can frame a body; he looks different than he did before. i'd smile but i don't feel like it. thats okay though

used to spend a lot of time thinking about places like this and the consequences of spending lots of time in them. i want to get my fingers into places like this even if it pinches and burns. now's a really good time for us to split a cigarette you know. sit down a minute. 20$ says you wont see more than 7 or 8 cars on the road going through here the whole time we're up watching. it's got to mean something to someone but im honestly just cool hanging out with you. no big deal yk i just dont get out that often anymore so i get sentimental real easy like its so gay.

so yeah slickdirk. this is a little rambly and shit im not apologizing here just like giving a warning im typing this up inthe library after an early early morning /late late night shift cuz the electric in my unit is off and its hot as ass in there so fuck that basically. anyway

before i say anything more of course ive got to specify that i'm totally riffing off of tumblr user @youabandonedthem for my slick characterization here. but honestly it doesn't feel like characterization it's more like dear beloved sweet yat has the only meaningful understanding of slick anyone has ever had in the world like i mean come on look at that fucking blog youre kidding me and also stupid as fuck if you think thats even an interpretation of the character its just straight up factual. jackass. anyway im all over it hope its ok to namedrop you here dont be a stranger and all that.

similarly shoutout to dear beloved sweet @ottiliere for her dirk characterization which is similarly the only dirk that could possibly matter to me like most of everyone else who posts about him seems to have just not read homestuck some of the people writing meta about him even just have no grasp on ANY of the characters if were being real here but thats way off topic anyway otti owns i dont usually give a shit about aus but if its good its good and if you deny it youre nothing basically.

i dont think anyone has given love to tmc the way yat does and i don't think anyone has really put their heart into making weird niche homestuck art the way ottiliere does (at least not in this era like ive been OVER this before if youve ever talked to me we are living in a post-post-homestuck society). which makes sense because the vast majority of modern fans (of anything) are altogether much more boring breed. no plumage or patterns or anything fun. but thats another thing. and also overly pessimistic of me but whatever i feel like if someone reads that and feels like theyre being called boring its because they know somewhere that theyre boring and missing out and maybe thats their wakeup call to start getting silly with it. or maybe no one cares i dont know i dont give a shit.

anyway the intitial interest in slickdirk was generated pretty specifically in the context of the two of them being psych warded together. typically this prospect alone would be like harlequin novel parody fanfiction type shit such that i wouldnt have any interest in it, but this was different from the get go on the basis that their interactions were never initially about romance.

dirk is self aware to the point of walking backwards. he's self obsessed, self conscious, hyperfixated-in the true sense-on how he presents himself. like all people like this, he's also constantly telling on himself. i'm speaking in terms of canon and otti's dirk here btw, this is true of both fundamentally. in terms of otti's vision specifically, though…it's dialed up, right.

people who think about themselves like this are inherently isolated from other people because, regardless of how they feel about themselves, they're very convinced they're better than everyone else. being in an institution full of other sick people can spur this line of thinking regardless of how untrue it is; once you've decided you're above the rest of the BRAINBROKE FREAKS around you, it's hard to even start to empathize with any of them! if you look back at some of otti's older posts you can kind of feel the extent to which dirk doesn't want jackshit to do with nothing going on in the hospital like just obviously has no interest in participating or anything like that in any capacity.

slick on the other hand like. really i can't write any of this without referencing yat's house essay about the midnight crew watching house and specifically spades slick watching house and how he would feel about it. forget everything i just said and go read that and then come back. okay so he obviously thinks about himself and his body and very specifically his disability in such a way that he is basically completely unaware of it in spite of living with it day to day. if you know what kind of guy im talking about here you know but also im going on good faith here assuming you read the youabandonedthem papers so even if you dont KNOW you should at least have kind of an idea what im referring to here.

the big draw between these two is that they're both in completely different subtypes of denial about themselves to vastly different effects. of course they'd be drawn to each other in this scenario…they're literally the ONLY NORMAL people in the whole building uhh have you seen the other guys in here. lol like what even.

and the thing is that even following up the initial theorized meeting in the ward, like, there's all this potential for what could come after…don't get it twisted this isn't some edgy folie a deux that im suggesting that would be so boring.

they're more than "bad for each other" even if they're not quite "good for each other" either. it isn't about an endgame or even necessarily "shipping" as a lot of people think of it. it's more like…the ways their differences and similarities line up feel aligned, even though it wasn't intentional, the same way some moments just feel "right". it isn't about how long the moment lasts or what its impact is, just that there was a moment where there wouldn't have been one if even a few tiny things had shifted. life is comprised of shit like that right. so when something like slickdirk comes along you can either balk at the absurdity of it or ride the wave.

orjust like passively observe thats an option too of course. no big deal it could literally never ever be a big deal im literally just out here trying to have fun trying to make myself laugh yk.

[stormyoceans]

Have a nice day, Monica! 🌸 Merry Christmas! Regardless of age or status, this time will always seem fabulous. On these lines I will be your personal Kevin McAllister, mentally protecting not only your home, but also your health, sophisticatedly dealing with insomnia that is trying to steal your sleep. I set a wide variety of traps, set snares and keep cans of paint ready if the insomniac wants to cross the threshold of your house. Thank you for the little joys of reading all your posts written with love, for the emotions that I experienced while reading them. This is definitely better for mental health than a browser window with world news. Peace and happiness to you and your home! Take care of yourself!🌸

And by tradition, a question for you: the top 5 of your favorite Christmas cartoons and films?

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO MY DEAR 🌸 ANON!!!!!!!!! 💜

the idea of you taking a page out of kevin's book and setting up all kind of traps to keep insomnia away from me is both so hilarious and incredibly sweet that i don't quite know what to say except thank you. thank you for always being so lovely, for sending me the kindest messages and for caring about my health. if i was able to give you back even just a little of the happiness that you gave me, then im really glad!!!!!!

as for your question, im actually not very big on christmas movies, but here are some that are very dear to me and that i end up watching every year:

home alone and home alone 2. THEE CHRISTMAS MOVIES OF ALL TIME. A HOLIDAY STAPLE. maybe im cheating by putting both of them together, but when i was a kid (and here im gonna show how truly old am i) we had them on video tape and we would always watch them on christmas day one right after the other. if i had to choose tho, i think i'd pick home alone 2. i know it's not as good as the first one, but for some reason it's always been very comforting to me (and i always dearly loved pigeon lady).

tokyo godfathers. i stumbled upon this movie completely by accident in my late teens when i was very into animanga and it immediately became one of my favorites. it's about 3 homeless people (a former drag queen, a runaway teen, and a grumpy alcoholic) who find a baby in a dumpster and try to reunite it with its family. it’s got humor, it’s got heart, it's about chosen and blood family, and most of all it's both very human and very magical.

klaus. it's the most recent movie in this list and consequently the one that has less sentimental value, but in such a short time it has become very important to me. it's hilarious, heartwarming and one of the most comforting movies i've ever seen. to quote klaus, "one true, selfless act always sparks another." that's the true spirit of the holidays to me and how i strive to live my life.

trading places. so fun fact.. here in italy our national television has been airing this movie on christmas eve every single year without fail since - i kid you not - 1997. i was 6 years old at the time. i am now 32. i spent 26 years of my life watching trading places on christmas eve. what i was doing yesterday evening? watching trading places. and just like me, so was every single italian out there. it doesn't even matter if we like it or not, that's not the point, it's just become tradition like setting up the christmas tree and it's the only certainty we have left in this country: on christmas eve we watch trading places (hashtag just italian things).

the santa clause. this is another movie that used to air a lot around the holidays when i was a kid. i've never particularly cared about it, but my mom ADORED this movie and she always put it on while cooking for christmas. once i got older enough to help her in the kitchen, it still kept us company in the background as we worked, so i inevitably ended up growing fond of it and it's one of those movies that to this day i make sure to find the time to watch with my mom every year.

[neuxue]

A few days ago I finished my buddy read of the Riddle-master Trilogy, and I’m left unsure what to say. I finally got around to reading it, after your numerous recommendations in your wot liveblog and I guess I want to thank you(?). It felt like discovering a new favourite and I have the deepest gratitude towards your for making me know her words. Do you have any recommendations which book to follow up with?

Anon, you have made my day. Maybe my week. Possibly my month. I love being rewarded for pushing this trilogy on everyone at every opportunity because I think the people I know who have read it remain in the single digits and yet lines from it have haunted my waking hours since I read it well over a decade ago, so. I am delighted that you not only read it but loved it - you're very welcome for the rec, and also please talk to me about Riddlemaster any time.

As far as recommendations! My next favourite of McKillip's works is Alphabet of Thorn, which is a beautiful story about a girl, a library, an ancient powerful sorceror/king loyalty situation, and the concept of translation given vague sentience and less vague power. If you enjoyed her writing in Riddlemaster, give this one a try! I also have a particular soft spot for The Book of Atrix Wolfe for the way it plays with identity, agency, desperation and its consequences, and the particular grief of living with yourself. Or you could try any of her other works; you'll find she revisits certain themes that are found in Riddlemaster, and her prose is always lovely.

Outside of McKillip... I sort of struggle to recommend something as an 'if you liked Riddlemaster, try this next' because while I can think of stories that are similar to specific aspects of it, I don't think I've ever come across something that hits in precisely the same way.

Two that you've probably seen me talk about recently: if you liked music-as-power, watching a character become immensely powerful at the cost of something that was once an intrinsic part of their identity, and a love story that focuses on seeing and being seen for who you are, you could try 《魔道祖师》 / Mo Dao Zu Shi, usually referred to MDZS or The Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation in its English translation (or its TV series adaptation 《陈情令》 / The Untamed). It's not the same vibe, but there are elements. Or, by the same author, 《天官赐福》 / TGCF / Heaven Official's Blessing, which has arguably fewer parallels but a slightly more similar vibe. Maybe. Still quite different but... hey, I liked both, and I feel like dissimilar as they are they sometimes hit some of the same things I want out of a reading experience.

Or, if part of what really did it for you with Riddlemaster was the exquisite agony of it all, and the infinitely fine line between love and betrayal, and the feeling of being held gently even as you were being stabbed in the heart, and you just want more of that no matter the genre or story it's in, you could take my hand and trust me and give something like Machineries of Empire, The Traitor Baru Cormorant (bonus points for lovely prose), possibly one of Robin Hobb's books, or maaaaybe even Doctrine of Labyrinths a try. Fair warning, all of those do feel darker (and Machineries of Empire in particular is weirder, though does have a fairly close Erlenstar parallel if you look for it), but for me they do hit some of those same deep-seated buttons in the id. Also for what it's worth, I know that Yoon Ha Lee (author of Machineries of Empire) has read and claimed to enjoy Riddlemaster; I think Seth Dickinson (author of The Traitor Baru Cormorant) might have as well, but I could be misremembering.

And if anyone else reading this has 'if you liked Riddlemaster, try ___' recs, please toss them anon's (and my!) way.

[doctorkinktraveller]

DOCTOR: Come on, come on, old girl. Nearly there. Nearly at the breach, and then. There, that's it. Yes. Now, I can't pretend this next bit isn't going to hurt. I have to reconfigure your superstructure and I can't do it gently, so brace yourself.

(Engines stutter.)

DOCTOR: What? You pick your moments, old girl, but not now, please! Don't jam on me now.

RASSILON: My friend, the mechanism is not at fault.

DOCTOR: You! It is you. Really you. My Lord, I am truly humbled, but I beg of you, do not intervene.

RASSILON: Oh, Doctor, you should know better than to even suggest it. I have simply frozen us here. Perhaps in your Tardis, perhaps in your mind. Time marches on.

DOCTOR: It might not soon, if what you showed me in the Matrix, the past and the future sacrificed to one single present, it could happen now unless. Well, unless I am allowed to do what I mean to do.

RASSILON: Then this is surely the desperate hour. Tell me, Doctor. Tell me how all this has come to pass.

DOCTOR: My God, I don't have the time.

RASSILON: You do now. You can humour an old dead man, can you not?

DOCTOR: Oh, ah, well, if you're sure, I. Where did it all begin? One night, on Earth I suppose, high above the English Channel, I was aboard a magnificent airship, a vessel they called the R101. There was a boy, a steward, running towards me, running from someone or something, but it wasn't a boy at all. It was a girl. Charlotte. Charlotte Pollard. Friends called her Charley, she said. She told me I was the oddest man she had ever met.

SENTRIS: The breach! The breach! We are going through!

DOCTOR: I honestly believed that Grayle was behind the time disruption, that with his redemption I need worry no longer. I meant every word I said to Charley. I should have known better.

RASSILON: Indeed. And what else do you have to tell me?

DOCTOR: I think the rest of the story can speak for itself, my Lord. Let's just say not long after we left Singapore, Charley and I discovered our troubles were only just beginning. First with the Daleks, and now? Now it's come to this. I have to stop the Neverpeople from reaching Gallifrey, regardless of the consequences to myself.

RASSILON: And you mean those words too?

DOCTOR: Absolutely.

RASSILON: You have considered every alternative?

DOCTOR: I have.

RASSILON: Then I must let you continue.

DOCTOR: Thank you, my Lord. Before you go, might I just ask why you've er, well, dropped in on me like this?

RASSILON: Doctor, I told you. I wanted to know what led you here, to this decision. But if your mind is made up, I cannot intervene. That causes me sorrow.

DOCTOR: Sorrow?

RASSILON: I've watched you these many long years. I've seen you in all of your adventures, seen the many things you have done in the service of your beliefs. Some I can hardly be seen to approve of.

DOCTOR: Oh, well, you know, sometimes things don't work out quite the way you planned them.

RASSILON: Indeed. But for the most part, Doctor, you have made me proud. You have enriched the lives of more people in more worlds that I suspect you will ever know. You have made a difference, and I've come here simply to tell you that, before everything is ended. Before it is too late.

DOCTOR: My Lord, you honour me.

RASSILON: No, Doctor. You have honoured me. Farewell.

(The engines resume.)

DOCTOR: Eh? Is it just me, or did something very odd just? Doesn't matter now. Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

[aebi12]

Sinful Desires - chapter 6 

At some point in her wiling Alyssa falls asleep.

When she wakes up, her eyes burn and the moonlight shines pale through her window. She has lost track of time, it might just be dusk or it might be the darkest point of the night. She does not know and does not feel like leaving her room and finding out. She neither wishes nor dares to face Rhaenyra. To listen to her claims once again.

Alyssa very much doubts that her mother will openly announce the real reason for her anger towards her, she knows that the best thing in her situation is that what happened between her and Aemond remain a secret, but she also knows that Rhaenyra will be unable to entirely pretend that the relationship with her daughter is still the same as before. Alyssa can easily imagine the cold indifference her mother is going to subject her to from now on. And she does not feel ready to deal with it yet. So, she stays in her room.

Once again, she loses track of time. Her mind is as divided as her heart. A part of her relives the shared moments of that night in her room in King's Landing, Aemond's arms encircling her waist, his warm kisses on her skin, the stolen sighs between caresses. The illusion of living in a perfect bubble where only the two of them existed. No problems, no consequences.

Bliss is the word that comes to her mind when she thinks about how much has happened in so little time. The things the two of them have confessed to, what they didn't say but it was more than clear because his touches were enough to show her that whatever existed between them was mutual.

Only now those memories are also tainted by a feeling she did not expect to experience. Guilt. And not the guilt she knows she should feel for losing her virginity to a man she was not betrothed to, but guilt for hurting and disappointing her mother. Her mother, whom she adored and wanted to always please in every single matter. Her mother who had stayed with her watching over her dreams when she used to get sick as a child. Her mother who had felt betrayed by her actions.

Alyssa marvels as tears roll down her cheeks again. One might think that she has no more to spill, but apparently, that is not the case.

The door to her room is thrown open and Lucerys leans in, tray in hand and a hesitant smile on his face.

“I thought you might be hungry,” he says as he closes the door and walks over to his sister's bed.

She offers him a smile and quickly wipes her cheeks, "Thanks Luke." Her voice sounds strangely hoarse so she clears her throat, "How did the training go?"

He shrugs, “Same as every day. It does not matter, are you going to tell me what is going on? Mother excused your absence at dinner saying you were not feeling well but I know there is something else going on.” Alyssa wants to say something, but he cuts her off, “Mother looks sad. And angry. I know you two had a fight, although I do not know exactly why."

Luke looks at her expectantly, concern painted on his face. Alyssa bites her lip and looks down trying to compose her expression before facing her brother. She knows that eventually she is going to have to say something, somehow explain what is going on.

"Mother is going to find me a husband" she ends up saying, which is not a lie at all

Her brother looks at her blankly, "You mean a suitor"

Alyssa shakes her head, "She is going to marry me as soon as possible."

Luke frowns and also shakes his head, “That does not make sense. You are just a girl"

His remark manages to make her smile, albeit a joyless smile, “We are the same age and you are already betrothed. Also, our whole lives we have always done everything together, I guess mother believes this is the right time to decide my future” her voice breaks towards the end

"But it is different. I am going to marry Rhaena, and she is… well, she is Rhaena,” he shrugs.

She understands what Luke is failing to communicate. Her cousin has lived with them for several years now, they have grown up together, there is complicity between them, even affection. The relationship between her brother and her cousin has all the foundations to be a happy union.

The realization that her story is going to be the exact opposite hits her suddenly. Yes, she knew that she would end up marrying someone strange, but she had never really stopped to consider that she would be cut off from her family, that she would have to live somewhere else, apart from Jace and Luke and Joffrey. That it would be years, perhaps, until they could meet once more. Her heart breaks again when she understands all this.

"I know it is my duty, but I do not want to get married yet," she confesses in a whisper.

“It is completely unfair,” Luke retorts harshly, pushing the tray aside so he can take his sister's hands, “I will talk to mother. She cannot just marry you to whoever she pleases. She cannot take you away from me"

Alyssa wraps her arms around her brother's neck and snuggles into his chest. Luke hugs her, comforting her as the sobs start again. He goes on to say that her mother will have to put her plans on hold, that she will surely come to her senses and consent to Alyssa having a long engagement with some young lord. Alyssa knows that won't be the case, but she does not have the heart to contradict her brother.

She knows it is wrong to hide the truth from him. She and Luke have always been honest with each other, but Alyssa does not know how her brother would take learning that she and Aemond had shared the night together. She likes to think that Luke would understand the reasons that led her to do what she did  -although she is not foolish enough to imagine that he would not recriminate her for her choosing of lover- but then she had also thought that her mother would not judge so harshly. So, she prefers not to take the risk. It does not matter anyway. It is not as if her fate and Aemond's will meet again.

"You should eat," he says suddenly.

Alyssa breaks the hug and takes one of the muffins her brother brought, nibbling a few times, but finding no taste at all. She eventually puts the food aside and goes back to lie on her bed.

Luke removes the tray, leaving it on the table and then lying down next to her. Alyssa returns to the comfort of her twin's arms and he strokes her hair.

“I was thinking,” he begins, “that perhaps you could marry some vassal lord of House Velaryon. I know it is not ideal, but any of those castles are close enough for me to visit you on a daily basis. Arrax would have no problem flying those distances. Besides, at some point I will be the Lord of the Tides, that way I would make sure that you are protected and happy”

Alyssa lifts her face to his and smiles at him. She does not dare, however, to get her hopes up before the idyllic image that her brother conjures up, "I think that would be a great idea"

"I'm sure I can convince Mother” Luke smiles with the confidence that being Rhaenyra's favorite generates in him.

Alyssa nods and adds, "I have a question, though, what makes you think I'll want to see you every day once I'm married?"

Lucerys lets out a snort and goes into a tickle fit. He hasn't done that in years, so he catches her off guard, but Alyssa is quick to react. Soon they are both sore from laughter like when they were children.

The thought that soon her life will have no more moments like this invades her once more, but she forces herself not to think about it and she hugs her brother again. "Thank you, Luke," she says softly, "Will you stay with me tonight?"

He doesn't answer but covers them both with the blanket and it isn't long before she falls asleep again.

***

"I do not understand why mother is so upset"

"Apparently our sister did not react well to the news of her engagement"

"I still think it's too soon"

Whispers are the first thing she hears when she wakes up. Alyssa opens her eyes and is taken aback when she hears the voices of her older brothers in her room. It takes her a minute to remember everything that had happened the previous evening.

“Jace? Luke?”

Alyssa sits on her bed and looks at her brothers.

"You are awake," Jace smiles at her, "feeling better?"

She shrugs and stands up. Her eyes feel heavy from all the crying and her skin feels feverish, "I just need a bath."

"Sure, of course, I'll send one of your maids."

Jace leaves her room and Luke walks over to her, "I will talk to Mother before breakfast."

Alyssa does not answer, she just nods and watches him go. A maid enters a few minutes later to prepare her bath and she is tempted to stay there for hours, sheltered in the hot water of her tub, but she knows she cannot do that. She will eventually have to face Rhaenyra.

You are the blood of the dragon, she thinks to herself as she dries her body, not a frightened girl.

Her own actions had led to this moment. It was time to face the consequences and she would do it with her head held high.

***

When Alyssa arrives at the table the entire family is already there.

"Good morning, mother" she greets. If this were any other morning, Alyssa would kiss Rhaenyra on the cheek, but this time she just takes her usual place next to her twin, "Daemon," she greets with a nod in her stepfather's direction.

Her mother takes time to respond to her greeting, her expression clearly denotes the anger she feels towards her daughter, "Alyssa" she simply answers before continuing to eat. Daemon does not bother to say anything, just watches her with a half amused and half calculating look that manages to make her feel uncomfortable.

Everyone is aware of the tension that prevails at that moment, even little Joffrey, who divides his gaze between his mother and sister. Alyssa takes the boy's hand in hers under the table and smiles at him before focusing on her plate.

Breakfast passes in awkward silence until her older brothers finish eating.

"Are you ready? I want to train with the bow and arrow today” says Jace.

“Yes, give me a minute and…”

"There will be no training for you today and no training from now on" Rhaenyra interrupts her in a hard voice.

Luke looks at her surprised, "But Lyssa always trains with us."

“That ends today. A princess does not have to worry about fighting. It won't be useful to her when she gets married, our battlefield is a different one" Rhaenyra points out while she caresses her belly and turns her gaze towards her daughter. "From now on you will resume your classes with your septa and you will start working on the embroidery of your bridal goods."

"Surely it is too soon for my sister to have to worry about that." Jace comes to her defense.

"I am the one who will decide that. Now go, Sir Steffon must already be waiting for you"

Her brothers seem to want to protest, but Daemon clears his throat and fixes his gaze on them.

"Come on, it is a nice day for a walk on the beach," Rhaena interjects, taking Luke by the arm, "Joffrey, come on, it will be good for you to play on the shore."

Baela and Rhaena take their siblings away, and the place falls silent again. Even the servants seem to have left them alone.

"Are you also going to deprive me of the little freedom I enjoyed?"

“I think it would be fair to say that you had too much freedom. I was permissive with you and look where it got us."

"So is this how things will be between us from now on?" Alyssa asks, trying to keep her voice steady, even though inside her, her throat seems to be knotted up.

"Did you expect it to be any other way?" Rhaenyra ask

“I was hoping my mother would be more understanding, yes,” she nods. "Yesterday you said yourself that you were an impulsive girl at my age, our situations are similar so I hoped you would not judge me so severely."

Daemon chuckles before speaking, "Your mother was not so stupid as to sleep with the enemy."

His comment starts the fire inside her. Her look gives off all the antipathy that her stepfather generates in her, “You should not be participating in this conversation. This is between me and my mother."

"Alyssa" Rhaenyra warns

"And you should be thankful that I was the one to get the news of your mistake," Daemon replies, "You'd be ruined if the information got into other people's hands."

“How convenient for me that you were the one to find out what happened!” she replies sardonically, "I suppose I should be glad to have a sinister man who watches over his own family as a stepfather. A man who years later still maintains the friendships he made with the whores of Flea Bottom that he used to visited daily."

A slap bends her face. The blow surprises her and it takes Alyssa a few seconds to register the fact that it was not her stepfather who hurt her but her mother.

Rhaenyra's violet eyes seem to be filled with madness as she gazes at her daughter. She had never laid a finger on any of her children. But a couple of harsh words about Daemon's character were enough to transform her into the jealous and impulsive being that emerges every time her husband's fidelity is questioned.

Alyssa meets her gaze, disappointment and disbelief visible on her face. Her body begins to tremble with rage as the pain experienced in the last few hours, the insults, and the injustice of her imminent future condense inside of her.

"Go back to your room, your mother needs peace and quiet" Daemon intervenes

Alyssa does not move. Her eyes remain locked on Rhaenyra and the woman's anger seems to break under the weight of her gaze because she reaches out to touch her face and takes a conciliatory step towards her.

But Alyssa backs off and won't let her mother touch her. The humiliation she's just been subjected to from Rhaenyra burns hard inside her.

"I uh... we'll talk about this later" the woman ends up saying after hesitating for a few seconds, "Go to your room"

But it is Rhaenyra who holds Daemon's arm and disappears down the corridor, leaving Alyssa alone and feeling, for the first time since she set foot on Dragonstone, that this place is no longer her home.

~~~

Vhagar roars menacingly when Sunfyre accidentally hits her with his tail.

"That old hag is as grumpy as you are today," Aegon says as he strokes the golden scales on his dragon's neck soothingly.

"No one asked you to come after me," Aemond snarls.

"I was just feeling curious," his brother shrugs and continues cuddling Sunfyre. The dragon seems delighted at the attentions of his rider, "Besides, it is you who invaded my favorite place."

That was true. The kingswood were his brother's favorite flight route. Aemond used to take Vhagar to the rocky steps of Blackwater Bay, knowing how much his dragon liked to be near the sea.

“You should stay in the Red Keep. Helaena could have the babe at any time."

His brother makes a face, "There is still a little while, isn't it?"

"The twins arrived early," Aemond points out as he draws his dagger and fiddles with it, "It could happen again."

Aegon shudders at the possibility, "I hope it is just one this time."

Aemond clicks his tongue and turns to his older brother, "One babe or two, it is your duty as a father to accompany your wife at such times."

“Duty, there is again that word you love so much” Aegon waved his hand dismissively, “We both know Helaena would not choose to have me present at that moment. The last time she wanted mother by her side. And you"

There is no bitterness or anger in his brother's voice, Aemond knows that this is not an accusation but simply a fact. He and Helaena have been close since they were children, their bond deepening after he lost his eye. Her compassionate sister was, along with her mother, an anchor he clung to during the months of pain, anger, and shame that followed the Driftmark episode.

“Jaehaerys and Jaehaera require your attention as well. They will not be little children forever, soon they will begin to notice that their father is avoiding them. Do you intend to follow the king’s example regarding to us?”

His words seem to affect him because his face pales and he stops stroking his dragon. A couple of times Aegon seems ready to say something but in the end, he just gives him a half smile and pulls the flask from his belt, “And this is my cue to leave you alone so you can keep moping around for whatever reason” replies before taking a few profuse drinks

"On the way to lose consciousness again?"

"You should do the same. You need it. You have been in an unbearable mood ever since our beloved sister left King's Landing."

Aemond does not answer, just glares at him as Aegon mounts his dragon and flies away. How he has managed to go so long without falling off his saddle considering how drunk he is sometimes, escapes from him. Although Aemond suspects that Sunfyre flies carefully when he feels that his brother is too intoxicated.

Sunfyre becomes a blur in the sky and Aemond approaches Vhagar. His relationship with his dragon is not as close as his brother's. He sometimes wonders if it is because Aegon and Sunfyre began their bond at the same time as their life while Vhagar had had different riders throughout hers.

"Or maybe you are just a grumpy old lady," he comments as he looks into the green eyes of his dragon.

Vhagar snorts and Aemond smiles as he walks once more to the edge of the hill. The kingswood stretches out before him, though it is eerily quiet, perhaps because the animals sense the threatening presence of the dragon.

Aemond appreciates the silence. After all, his intention when flying to that place had been to have the peace of mind that, as his brother had well noted, had eluded him since Alyssa had left the capital.

It had been tremendously difficult having to part with her that morning. Her lovely lady slept peacefully hugging his body, her wild curly hair covering part of her face and torso. Aemond had wanted to wake her and say a few parting words to her, but in the end, he had given up on the idea. He had been content to place a soft kiss on the top of her head and breathe in her fresh scent of vanilla and jasmine.

Part of him had been tempted to throw precautions aside and continue to sleep by her side until late in the morning when they would inevitably be found by some nosy maid or a family member, but thankfully he had restrained. That would have brought unnecessary embarrassment on her and a stain on her honor because, even if he had married her happily at that moment, he knew Alyssa was right when saying that their families would not accept their union.

It hadn't crossed his mind to dishonor her by asking her to run away with him, either. What future could await them crossing the Narrow Sea? Surely, one that did not fit the rank of both of them. Alyssa was a princess, and the mere thought of condemning her to a life on the run with no certainty or safety in strange and wild lands repelled him.

So, he had let her go. Because it was not a complete farewell. It was just a short separation that he intended to remedy once his brother was named king. Aemond knew that his grandfather and members of the council had a plan in motion to make Aegon king once his father died. He also knew of no one less deserving of the title and privilege than his older brother, but it was his birthright. The first male child should hold the crown and could not be relegated by a whim of his father.

Besides, the lords of Westeros would not support his sister’s claim. Rhaenyra was a woman unable to fight her own battles who lived sheltering behind the figure of her father and her manipulations. The throne would be better off in capable hands like the current council, who would surely keep an eye on Aegon. Aemond would make sure it would happen that way. He would fight for his brother's right and for his family. And he would ask for only one thing in return, Alyssa Velaryon.

"My bitch sister can betrothal Alyssa to any lord she likes," he whispered into the void, "But once my brother seizes power, Alyssa will return to me."

***

The Red Keep is unusually quiet that morning.

The few servants who walk the corridors seem scared as they pace with their eyes towards the ground, as if they wanted to go unnoticed. It does not take a genius to know that something serious has happened, so Aemond goes looking for his mother. He is not surprised to find her in Helaena's rooms as it is her custom to visit her grandchildren in the morning.

What does surprise him is the look of dismay and concern on Alicent's beautiful face. It does not take him long to conclude that the reason for his mother's uneasy state has to be something related with his father. She seems to realize what he asks without speaking and confirms the news with her nodding.

Viserys is dead.

A part of him knows that he should be upset by this fact, but all Aemond feels is relief. The living corpse that his father had become in recent years is finally gone and his mother is now free from having to spend her best hours caring for him. Aemond knows that it was her duty as wife to attend Viserys, but that did not stop him from brimming with rage at the thought of how considerate and careful of his father Alicent had constantly been. Attentions that he had never valued or rewarded properly. His mother had always been too good for Viserys Targaryen.

"Is Aegon king or shall I kneel before the old whore?"*

His question causes his mother to wince and flinch.

"We cannot find your brother"

Aemond follows Alicent to her rooms and sits by the fireplace, listening to her. Her mother still hopes to find a diplomatic solution to the matter of succession between Rhaenyra and Aegon, determined to avoid any fight and subsequent bloodshed. Aemond does not contradict her, though he knows that conflict is inevitable. What does strike him as strange is Alicent's renewed determination to want Aegon on the throne.

"I thought you had accepted Rhaenyra as the heir," Aemond comments, remembering his mother's words during dinner

"That was before your father confessed to me his desire to see your brother on the throne," she replies, explaining to her son the last will supposedly transmitted by Viserys.

Aemond believes in her mother. Or maybe he just wants to believe her. It does not matter, because in the end he will do everything possible to fulfill Alicent's wish to see her son on the throne.

Criston Cole enters the room and informs Alicent that they still have not found Aegon and that his grandfather has sent the Cargyll twins to search the city for him. Alicent looks desperate. She and Otto Hightower are playing their own game, both wanting to exert their influence over his rascal brother, trying to take advantage of his mailable nature into acting in ways that suit their agendas.

Even so, he offers to accompany Criston Cole dressed as a simple peasant. The matter repudiates him and not because he feels disgusted to mix with the common folks, he understands that a prince must know his people, but because of the need to resort to such unworthy tricks just to go unnoticed and catch Aegon without attracting the attention of the guards sent by his grandfather.

Aemond guides Cole to Aegon's favorite brothel as a teenager. The memories that invade his mind are not pleasant. The one time he had accepted his brother's offer to accompany him to the Street of Silk had had a great impact on him, yes, but not for the reasons Aegon would have imagined. Aemond had been sickened by the whole business of having to pay a whore to lose his virginity.

He had ended up doing it, though. His manhood had been questioned many times at his then-short thirteen years, first due to his lack of a dragon -there were those who said he was not Targaryen enough to have one- then due to losing his eye in a fight with children younger than him and ultimately for how difficult it was for his young self to find balance with the sword with only one good eye.

And then there was the matter of the scar and patch. The noble ladies were not at all subtle in regarding him with pity and loathing at his scarred face. He had listened to the comments of men and women of the court saying that his once handsome face had been disfigured and that surely no lady would want to marry him no matter how regal he was.

As much as Aemond hated to admit it, it had all taken its toll on him. So, he had agreed to receive the attentions of the prostitute that night. Of course, his hormonal adolescent body hadn't had a problem reacting to the woman's expert caresses, but his mind had been far away from that place as he'd let her control the situation. When it was all over, Aemond had left without looking back. He had never felt any desire to return to that place, and if he did now, it was only out of consideration for his mother.

“How you've grown” the woman says, causing him to look down, ashamed of his memories. He did not desire her then and he does not desire her now. At the end his insight was proving useless because the woman has no idea where his brother was.

Aemond follows Cole through the narrow streets of King's Landing, his frustration growing by the minute. He does not usually share his thoughts that openly, but after almost two hours of fruitless searching he ends up almost confessing to Criston his desire to be king.

Or maybe desire is not the most appropriate feeling. Maybe Aemond just resents his brother because he never takes his responsibilities seriously and yet everything is handed to him on a silver platter, while he constantly has to fight to get what he wants. Whatever it is, the feeling is strong enough to cloud his judgment for a few seconds when, after Aegon's pitiful attempt to escape once he is located, his brother pleads Aemond to let him go so he can live happily across the sea.

Aemond considers fulfilling his brother's whim, but luckily Criston Cole comes to them and reminds him that Alicent is waiting for him.

The mere mention of his mother is enough to make him see reason and come to his senses. Aemond abandons any short-lived hope of reign and escorts his useless brother back to the Red Keep.

***

Aemond thinks he catches the glimpse of tears beginning to form in his brother's eyes as he makes his way past the guards to reach the bottom of the stairs inside the Dragonpit platform.

The crowd is silent as they watch the regal figure of his brother, dressed entirely in black and gold, be anointed king and wear the Conqueror's crown. Helaena tilts her face towards him and Aemond takes her hand in a placating gesture. His sister knows as well as he does that Aegon does not deserve the honor, but it is still their duty to accompany and support their family.

His mother smiles as she kisses his brother's forehead and then Aegon face each member of the royal family, receiving a courtesy from every one of them. Aegon's expression is one of wonder that begins to turn to delight as he seems to be aware of the power he now wields.

Aegon turns to face the people of King's Landing, who shout and clap his name, seemingly content to have a new king to protect them and guide their pathetic lives.

Everything seems to go easily. Until it is no longer the case.

Rhaenys Targaryen emerges with her dragon from the deepest levels of the pit and instantly despair reigns among the people. The screams are not joy but terror, dust fills the room and people fight to get out as the dragon approaches Aemond and his family.

Alicent automatically places in front of Aegon and he in front of Helaena. Both willing to fight, although they know that there is not much they can do against a dragon.

In the end it does not matter because the queen who never was does not seek to kill his brother. She just wants to show her power and make it clear that she supports the cause of the black slut. Rhaenys Targaryen makes the dragon roar at them, then leaves the pit.

But the damage is done.

Aegon has lost his moment of popularity in front of his people.

Or rather, they took it away. Just as they took his eye from him.

Because that is what the blacks do, take what does not belong to them.

And they were going to pay for it.

______________________________________________________

I'm still a bit feeverish while posting this so hopefully it was ok cos it took me long to be decently happy with how it ended up. Alyssa's bit specially (Aemond is so easy to write for me!) I first intended to be a long long chapter ending in Storm's End events, but then I felt like this was the best moment to stop. Also it feels like nothing really happens in this chapter but I think it is important to state Alyssa's and Aemond's mind during this part of the story.

Do let me know what you think yeah?

[revenantpoet]

The Promise

Maybe we could be happy In another life Another universe Somewhere far from here

But that isn’t fair, is it? Not when we had this life laid before us

Not when, in this lifetime I got to watch how your wrinkles grew as you smiled more and more Not when, in this lifetime I knew the outline of every single one of your fingertips, and how they felt woven against mine Not when, in this lifetime I knew all of your stories, I knew all of your anger, all of your sorrow Not when, in this lifetime You were you And I was me

And in every universe In every life Where we happened to be born If there were any gods kind enough To bless us with that reincarnation (And I am not One to believe in the kindness of gods) Those people They were not quite the same They weren’t us

The sights the smells the sounds The tastes the kisses the tears The wounds the sickness the laughter Were never the same as ours They never made the same memories Or created the same people

So why were we condemned to tragedy? What god-forsaken universe Saw this Looked at our joy and our love And said No They don’t deserve it?

I can’t live with that I won’t live with that I’ve come to believe there’s no force in this life That will make me live with that

No matter the cost No matter the consequence It’s you And it’s me It’s our life And it’s our love

And no one will take that from us

AO3 Collection

[dumbestthingiveeverheard]

Dumbest Thing I've Ever Heard: 8/3/2023

Fifth place: Twitter user @eyeskewer

This is a little older than the stuff I normally cover on this blog, but I feel like this is worth highlighting as it perfectly shows my issue when many who make conspiratorial claims about transgender medical care:

my "informed consent" was my doctor I had just met handing me papers telling me my voice would drop soon, I could freeze my eggs, I might get acne, and whatever else. I probably didn't even hear everything she said, I just told her I wanted the shot. so I got it. I just turned 18

So you were told you wanted something medical done to you, were told about the risks and consequences, and then got it. I really don't see what the big deal is here.

Fourth Place: Marco Rubio

Elon Musk's time as CEO of Twitter has been far from perfect, but easily the best addition he has made is the community notes feature. For just one example, here is a Tweet from Marco Rubio:

Also, those claims about the 2016 Presidential Election were never proven to be fake--just wanted to add that real quick.

Third Place: Scott Lively

The deranged homophobe who wrote an entire book blaming the Nazis on homosexuality wrote a column a couple of days back with the headline "Leftist lawfare and the abuse of power." A decent chunk of it is spent defending Russian President Vladimir Putin, but here are some highlights:

In all my years of watching corporate U.S. news about Russia and Putin, I have never seen a single counter-argument ever being offered in defense of President Putin (coverage of him is even worse than that of Trump). It's been more than a decade since Obama restarted the Cold War to punish the Russians for banning "gay" propaganda to children, when every story began to paint him as a "brutal monster" – to the point that even many conservatives (who have zero reason to trust that same media on anything) seem to agree.

The hatred of Putin on an international scale has nothing to do with the anti-homosexuality laws he has put in place while President of Russia--although, don't get me wrong, that didn't help matters, but several countries with anti-homosexuality laws are still seen in a positive light by the international community (wrongfully so, in my opinion). It was more his imperial ambitions--starting with his invasion of Georgia in 2008--that caused the international community to move away from him.

Second Place: Abby Johnson

I've mostly been ignoring the story about a handful of far-right Christians refusing to support the fringe Presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy because of his Hinduism, however given Abby Johnson was sold to us a few years back as a a reasonable anti-abortion activist--an oxymoron if I've ever heard one. And she has decided to take a stance against a Hindu President, saying:

Do not be a victim of Satan’s confusion right now. This is an important time for us to have clarity of mind as we are going into an election cycle. So please discern. Please use discernment right now because God hates those who are willing to put up idols over him, and he will not be mocked.

All I wish to say is that if you really want a President that's a dedicated Christian--can I recommend you a guy named Joe Biden? Oh who am I kidding, if Ramaswamy does get the nomination it's going to be just like when Billy Graham took Mormonism off his list of cults so he and his followers could vote for Mitt Romney in 2012.

Winner: Ben Shapiro

This man, considered by many to be serious political commentator, does not know the difference between eating and drinking:

[Trump] would face a whopping 641 years in prison. Which I assume means he would not survive prison. Although he is 70% preservatives at this point because he eats so much McDonalds and Diet Coke.

He eats Diet Coke? Ben, do you know how Diet Coke works?

Ben Shapiro you've said the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[vaguely-obsessed]

i wish the simple weight of my existence did not exist. i wish life weren’t as serious as it really is. i wish we had more than one chance to live, more lives to experience all the things i want to. i wonder, what would life be like to do music for a living instead of academia? how i long for my life to be centered around creation. i want to experience life as an academic, life as an artist, life as a freelancer, life as every possibility. how could i ever grapple with the fact that this is my singular shot at figuring out what i want, at making my dreams come true? is it because i desperately wish for life to be trivial? for all of my actions and decisions to have the choice of a redo? to cheapen the cost of life? to devalue myself? 

either way, the weight of my single existence is crushing. it debilitates me to know that this is my only life. that i am wasting it like this. that i’ll never be remembered, because who’s really ever truly remembered? when this species crashes and burns and reaps the consequences and this planet suffers and combusts who will really remember? not even the greats can be remembered if everyone who knew them is wiped from existence. and when this very galaxy collides with another, for no reason at all except for the forces beyond our comprehension, who will remember it? is there a god out there, watching all this unfold with the mild interest but ultimate indifference of a small child sat in front of a screen?

and yet, as hyperaware as i am of how little everything really matters, why do i still care? why do i still pick at my cuticles, prod at my rolls, poke at my eyes? 

[valiant-portabella-pirkko]

listening to my Tideturners playlist was a mistake because I am having SO many feelings about the Sidewinder again.

she's not just any AU of Mai Trin; she's a version who's endured the absolute worst case scenario and lives every day in fear of losing everything all over again. but her story flips the entire narrative of Guild Wars 2 on its head; it's all a matter of perspective, and hers comes from an entirely different angle than we're used to.

what is a monster? as they say, to a bird, a cat is a monster.

the Sidewinder's monster is the Commander.

the first Commander she ever met was a tyrant who set the world on fire just to watch it burn. nothing could stop his rampage until there was nothing left to destroy. he made Scarlet Briar's war look like a playground scuffle; in fact, he did it by killing her and seizing her army to do it with. the Sidewinder doesn't have to wonder what a rogue Commander is capable of at their worst. she KNOWS.

and she also knows that if even a single one knew about her outpost, about her, about her people, and decided they were a threat to get rid of, there's absolutely nothing she could do to stop them. the most she could hope to do is be enough of a speed bump that the rest of the Turnabout can escape and make her sacrifice worthwhile.

she's spent decades building up a new world, a new society, and a new identity-- and in a split second a single person could bring it all crashing down. that absolutely terrifies her. it's all so fragile.

a major part of the Sidewinder's personal arc has to do with overcoming that dread to find common ground. because, truth-be-told, much as she'd insist otherwise? she's not so different from the Commander herself. she's fought long and hard to become someone worthy of the trust and respect that so many refugees from so many, many different worlds have placed on her. it's not enough to have it, she wants to DESERVE it. and even if she'd claim she's not there yet, most would agree she's succeeded. she's the beating heart of the Turnabout; none of it would exist without her. she's given all of them the hope that the heroes of their own worlds couldn't.

Mai Trin never wanted to be a leader or a hero or a politician. but as the Sidewinder, she's become all three out of necessity. she had no other choice. no one else was left alive to do it in her place.

so she puts on her mask, and she steps onto the stage, and she talks big, but deep down she knows that if the worst case scenario came back, there was nothing she could do to protect them, not on her own. the only thing that might stand a chance is another Commander, and is she really prepared to take a risk like that? is she willing to put it all on the line to fight for a future without fear?

and even if they are the right choice, even if they do agree to help in spite of it all... can she put one of the last good people at risk, knowing just what horrors they'd be up against? facing someone who's killed others like them a hundred times over, allowing them no rest even in death as their shambling corpses are conscripted into his undead army? how can she, in good conscience, expect anyone to face something so horrific with stakes as high as THAT? which is worse; that they turn against her, or that they trust her and die, adding another force of nature to their enemies' ranks? the Sidewinder doesn't know the answer to that question, if there is one.

there's so much weight on every choice she must make, and the consequences of every wrong move are unfathomable. she might not be the Commander, but that, at least, is one thing they have in common. the decisions they make will decide who lives and who dies.

all the Sidewinder can hope is that when she finally does make that leap of faith, she'll be ready to handle whatever results lay in store.