#but i am getting an absolutely insane emotional experience

[starbuck]

if anyone was wondering, i’m currently reading published RPF about F. Scott Fitzgerald for *checks notes* my job, so that’s how my life is going.

[eosofspades]

i know i literally just made that post but MAN the mental illness has got me tonight

[ko-existing]

Hello Ko! I'm so glad you joined Tumblr, I think out of everyone I know and follow, you are the most trustworthy person to get information from. You truly know what you're talking about and you're very very helpful to us with questions. ❤️ I'm gonna try to make this as short as possible because I don't want to make you read a long, rant-ish question. Basically, I really really need some guidance/advice. Like I need some serioussss help..

For about 6 years, I've been "trying" to manifest, reality shift etc. I was focused on desires and getting. I was focused on doing methods to get things and "trying" things. would look all the time for information and "how to's" because I just wanted to shift realities so badly so I could experience all of the crazy things I would imagine. Nothing ever worked for me, not once in those 6 years. I eventually started to panic and think I was wasting years of my life on stuff that wasn't real (yet I'd still hope and try anyway) however I found non-dualism. Like I said, I was VERY focused on desires and getting, so as much as I told myself that I understand non-dualism, deep down I was still attached to ego and understood nothing. I viewed nondualism as a method. I still wanted desires deep down, even if I tried to say "No I want to be free!". I've now come to accept that if I truly want to be free, I need to genuinely STOP seeking desires and things of the ego. I need to accept that if I'm gonna be stuck on desiring, then ND isn't for me. So with that said, I told myself I'd follow non dualism properly and I wouldn't use it as a manifestation or shifting method.

This is the part where I ask for advice. When you're someone who has been stuck up on wanting to shift realities and get things so badly, for SO long, it's hard to let it all go suddenly. I don't know how to drop these thoughts that I get. I feel delusional and depressed because I hate this "life". I remind myself that it isn't real but then I feel insane and I tell myself I need to accept reality and stop hoping for miracles. I no longer wish to fulfill desires or use methods, I want to be free from feeling like this, I want to genuinely not live as if I'm ego anymore but it feels like my thoughts never stop. In the back of my mind, I always think "but I just wanna shift" "I'm delusional" "I am this body/mind"

Ko, I need any kind of guidance. Is there some materials I should read? I'll honestly read whatever books necessary. I don't know what to do 😅 I want to have the same understanding you do. I go to sleep every night thinking "maybe I can wake up in a new reality" and it completely defeats the purpose of me having no duality. I'm always hoping and trying, even when I don't want to "hope" or "try". I get so confused so easily and I think about going back to manifestation, but it never worked and I got depressed because of it. I want to free myself from these ego emotions, free from thinking I need this or that, free from having duality. I want to TRULY understand nondualism and live that way. Forgive me if this is long! I didn't intend to trauma dump or vent in your ask box, like I said before you're just one of the people I trust most. You're very knowledgeable on nondualism and I appreciate your posts very very much 🤍

First step, understand that Non dualism is ONLY(!!!!!!!!!!) a POINTER to what 'you' are. Being fixiated on 'trying to understand ND' is a trap you shouldn't fall into. I used it as a pointer(!) i do not "practise" any concepts.

I cannot stress enough how it is ONLY A POINTER, NOT THE "SOLUTION" NOR "ABSOLUTE TRUTH". "THAT" which you fundamentally are, IS Absolute.

Who has been "trying" all this time? -> The 'person' you THINK you are.

Who "wants" to understand? -> The 'person' you THINK you are

Use it as a pointer and then drop it.

I'm so serious, NEVER see it as the solution, it is a trap to do so. It will help as a start but go BEYOND that. It is nothing but another concept TO HELP.

A lot of you speak about the "ego" like it is some separate entity causing confusion and suffering but it is not. It is ONLY(!!!!!) who you THINK(!!!!) you are. If you stopped thinking about it, could you tell me who you seemingly are?

There are no books needed to """understand""" the basics of this concept, even if you read it, to drop it and be beyond such illusory concepts, is something that is done with or without books.

What you are can NEVER be defined. "THAT" has no name, no label, no characteristics. Nothingness. Yet it seems(!!!!!!) to contain "everything".. but "everything" = "nothingness".

By repeatedly returning to "Nothingness", it becomes clear that you never actually left that "Nothingness" and that it is everywhere.

Drop every label and concept. Everything you SEEM to know. What are you left with?

-> " "

If 'you' want to, you can listen to "YourHigherSelf" on YouTube or the shorter videos of Swami Sarvapriyananda on YouTube.

But again, seeking continously for the Absolute, is a funny game and an even funnier trap. Have enough discipline to not do that and simply BE.

[raineandsky]

Hello, I was wondering if you could please write something where Villain thinks they are under a love potion slipped by hero’s allies. After every moment they see hero they feel they are in love with them. But when they confront the teammate they find, to their surprise that they gave them a ‘speak your heart’ potion to get them to confess their crimes and never expected them to have feelings for their friend. Coming to the shock and realization that they had indeed fallen for hero but had been ignoring it/suppressing it. Now they are at the point where they can deny it no longer. Thank you for your consideration and for reading this! I hope you have an absolutely lovely day! 💕

this was.... such a cute idea??? i liked writing this one, i hope you enjoy reading!! thank you as always for the request!!

Heroes are liars. The villain knows this well. They’ll lie, cheat and bribe their way into anything that might mean another villain in jail, another victory under their belt.

There are telltale signs of lying, of course. Looking away, shifting about, smiling awkwardly. The villain has learnt all of these, because they know that heroes are liars, but also tend to be bad liars.

This hero, from the villain’s deduction, is either an incredibly good liar or telling the truth. God, the villain wants it to be the former.

“Love potion turns blue,” this hero is saying. “When I poured the heart-speaker in your drink it went orange.”

The hero’s looking right at them, stock still, face blank except for what seems a little like horror. Liar, surely. He’s just a damn good one. “Bullshit. You’re— You’re fucking with my head.”

“I’m not doing anything!” the hero cries. “I’ve been following you around with a recorder because I was hoping you’d admit to your crimes! I wasn’t expecting any of this.”

The villain turns away from them—a mistake most villains know not to make, not that the villain particularly cares right now—and heaves a deep sigh. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Does it?

The villain is no stranger to love potions and their effects. How they noticeably warp their victim’s perception of reality, of who they can trust. The villain, subject to one such potion for one of the supervillain’s strange experiments, noticed that everything felt different, that their feelings on certain people had inexplicably changed. The effects also wore off after a day.

The villain’s been feeling like this for a week. Loose, almost detached, like honesty is the best policy even though their colleagues would scream for them to stop talking.

They’ve seen their hero more than once this past week. Carefully stamped-down, begrudging respect has blown up into desperate infatuation. Their hero says some well-practised lines about taking them down, the villain stutters out some of their own about never being caught, and then they fight, the physicality of it entirely overwhelming sometimes.

That’s more than a simple love potion has ever done to the villain.

Their hero is— how long has the villain been calling them that? That hero isn’t the villain’s anything except their nemesis. They need to get out of their own head before the heart-speaker drowns them in their own emotions.

“How… how long does it last?” the villain asks faintly.

“Well,” the hero says, “at least a week.”

“Oh my god. You don’t even know.” The villain scoffs in offence. “Jesus, I— I can’t see [Hero] again like this.”

“You’re freaking out, [Villain],” the hero butts in carefully. “You’re recognising your own feelings for the first time. It’s a lot. I get it.”

The hero doesn’t get it. The villain feels like the world’s about to end. “What the hell am I meant to do?”

“You could tell them.”

“Are you insane? No!” The villain wrings their hands, pacing thoughtlessly. “No, this isn’t right. The heart-speaker will wear off and everything will go back to normal. It’s fine.”

“I mean…” The hero glances down at the little audio recorder in their hand. It looks ancient, as most hardware does that comes from the agency. “I still have a ton of free space on this thing.”

“I’m not saying it out loud and I’m certainly not letting you record it.”

The hero shrugs, the lightest smirk weaving its way onto their stupid face. “I didn’t think you would. I do have some heart-speaker left. Enough for… someone else.”

On any normal day, the villain wouldn’t care too much about knowing what their hero thinks of them. But this day isn’t normal, and with this goddamn potion working its magic on them, the villain is painfully, embarrassingly desperate to know every little detail of their hero’s thoughts.

The villain squints at the hero to make it clear they’re not agreeing to this immediately, although their body language probably suggests otherwise. “Okay, well, it’s not your worst idea.”

The hero nods sagely. “I think I know which idea of mine you think is the worst. I’ll make sure this one isn’t to your detriment, though—it’ll be fun working with you, partner.”

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why, saving it for someone else?”

The villain wants to snap back at them for the tease as the hero laughs, but they can’t deny what the heart-speaker is forcing them to admit.

Yes.

[aziraphales-library]

Hi there!!! I was wondering if you happened to have any fics where Crowley calls Aziraphale ‘sweetheart’? Any other pet names are amazing (including angel of course) but I’m just very in love with the idea of Crowley calling Aziraphale sweetheart

Thank you so much for all you hard work!! This blog is a lifesaver <3

Hello! We have a #pet names tag you might enjoy, but here are some fics in which Crowley calls Aziraphale sweetheart...

Four times Crowley called Aziraphale "sweetheart" without noticing (and One time he did) by TheLadyZephyr (NR)

"Sweetheart" (1290) - A person who is very dear to another; one who is loved. From sweet (adj.) + heart (n.) Over the years, Crowley has called Aziraphale "sweetheart" on at least four different occasions. He just hasn't actually noticed himself saying it.

In love, I am, with everything you do by 2ambiace (G)

Following the phone call with Crowley during lockdown, Aziraphale contemplates the letter he wrote and whether he should've taken Crowley up on his offer to 'slither over' and watch him eat cake. Aziraphale finds the courage in his love for Crowley to invite the demon over and cake and love confessions and kisses are shared.

Let Our Epilogue Be Soft And Sweet by Tenoko1 (T)

Crowley hit his palm against the steering wheel. “Of course I’d get upset, angel! Those bastards have tried to kill you twice, Aziraphale! Twice! I spend every damn day worried they might try again! Now-- Now-- your conveniently found and rescued angel is on the loose,” the road forked, and they veered off to a smaller country road, flying past a sign Aziraphale didn’t need to see to recognize, though Crowley gestured wildly to it, “in a god-forsaken national park? Well outside of London where no one can hear you scream? This mystery angel that just so happens to be leaking grace and emoting a distress signal so loud you can still sense it?” Crowley dragged a hand down his face. “Angel, sweetheart. Wake up and smell the trap.”

Waking Up Married by Caedmon (E)

"So you’re telling me that my options are either to convince this man I just met and drunkenly married to stay married to me for six months or lose two thirds of a billion pounds?” “That’s exactly what I’m telling you,” Fergus said. “Fucking shit,” Crowley spat. He hung up the phone and stared at it for a moment before rubbing his eyes with his fists. Now his job would be twice as hard. He needed to talk Aziraphale into staying married for six months. Should he try begging or bribing? This was a huge ask, and Aziraphale would be well within his rights to tell Crowley to fuck off. But Crowley was prepared to offer him pretty much anything, up to half of the trust, if that’s what it took. He didn’t care. But that was only part of his concern. Even if he got insanely lucky and Aziraphale agreed to stay legally married to him for the next six months, how the hell was he going to talk Aziraphale into dating him during that time? And was it foolish to even try? One thing at a time, he decided. First, he needed to convince Aziraphale to stay legally married to him. Then he could set about wooing his husband. He hoped.

flightless by viperinz (T)

Crowley finds Aziraphale injured and without his wings long after he stops the Second Coming all on his own. He just didn't expect their reunion to be so morose, and so final.

Sugar And Spice by ladydragona, SylWritesStuff (E)

Queer technology giant Anthony J. Crowley is just about ready to throw in the towel after relationship after relationship has failed, but there's a new barista at the company coffee shop and he's cute and sweet and Crowley's never been able to resist blond hair and blue eyes. The tabloids will have a field day, they always do, but his assistant is getting married and a temp is needed. A temp who really isn't very good at making complicated coffees, has past experience in reception, and absolutely no idea that the latest complicated coffee order came from the owner himself. Aziraphale only knows that he's handsome, patient, and was the first person who told him he was doing well. How could he refuse the temp position? Or, he soon discovers, more.

- Mod D

[whythehailnot]

Fat girlie dating ramble and a question for other fat babes

Having a bit of an insecurity spiral today (as one does while being in the dating ring), and on a few separate occasions of venting about dating and feeling insecure as a fat person dating, I feel like I get the same sort of "huh? Is that really a thing? Did this person explicitly tell you that?" when I mention some concerns/insecurities that crop up.

The biggest being that I want the person I'm dating to find me hot (the lowest bar to trip over, as my friend puts it). And of course the people we date should see us as hot! Hello! It's truly step one! 👏💖

But I was talking about how I worry that people (mostly men) who reach out to me just see me as being someone to either A) must be a good cook (and potential gf/wife material), because I'm fat (and their profile indicates they're looking for gf/wife to cook for them lmao man-children 🙄) B) just here to validate their emotions and lift them up (this unfortunately can just be applied to anyone, you don't have to be fat, but if you're also femme I feel like this very common) and C) that because I'm fat, I must be "easy" and desperate for a relationship.

It's the C that trips up the people I've brought this up to - and it's making me feel insane and like I'm crazy that this is a concern. The people I've also brought this up to are also both thin and attractive as well. (And I want to stress these people are wonderful and I love them, but I think because it's not an experience they've dealt with/been super adjacent too, it's just not something they can really understand).

It's one of those where no one has explicitly said any of these to me in my personal experience, but it's such a pervasive thought in my mind (fueled by past experiences that my depression brain can't fully articulate, but also ABSOLUTELY from sooooooo much media growing up).

But it's making me wonder if this is ACTUALLY something that other fat babes have felt in their life as well? Am I just being sort of crazy/ultra sensitive? Am I gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss-ing myself?? HELP LMAO

*I'll delete this later probably but I truly just feel like I'm crazy @ w @;;

[jackdaniel69nice]

the fact that tokoyami could be considered one of the more important members of 1-A and we still got JACK SHIT about his backstory is so wild to me

like you have this whole idea of him cherishing the relationships he has so deeply to the point of an emotional breakdown whenever someone he cares about gets hurt and you DONT TELL US WHY???

like this boy is so incredibly hard on himself despite improving faster than the majority of his peers and WE DONT KNOW WHY???

my delusional ass was WAITING. for THREE YEARS. and we got nothing. the disappointment i felt was just immeasurable.

My god you are so right. It IS really disappointing. I honestly had no expectations for tokoyami backstory because I had always thought of him as a background character when I got into mha in 2017-2019. The story was still new then but when I returned last year there was so much more tokoyami had become. He plays an absolutely vital role but is treated as a supporting character. We knew him long before hawks but he was obviously pushed aside in favor of the winged hero. There is so much subtle writing about tokoyami especially him potentially having hurt or even killed people in the past. Dark Shadow is such an interesting quirk and character but they are never truly addressed for their insane power.

I would like to think tokoyami would have gotten his own character arc eventually if the ending hadn’t been so rushed for whatever reason. It would have probably been a very large undertaking and I can see how it wouldn’t have been able to fit into the tight schedule. He’s not even mentioned in the epilogue, only seen, despite clearly being one of the strongest characters and would at least be top 10.

I’m so sorry anon that your dreams were crushed. I hope my silly headcanons and stories bring you some closure, I do try to stay as close to canon as possible. Although I am aware my personal experiences and feelings certainly influence my ideas without me realizing. Perhaps you could drop in my dms at some point so we can share thoughts :)

[winterrrnight]

wish I had you

PAIRING: rafe cameron x fem!reader

SUMMARY: rafe made a huge mistake and lost the love of his life.

WARNINGS: angst, angst, angst! Absolutely no fluff, it's all angst, swearing, drugs, drug overdose!, heartbreaks, very small mentions of s*lf h*rm

EDITH SPEAKS: I'm back!!!! My exams were, something, but now I'm finally back and writing again 🥹 oh I'm so happy! I'll be getting onto my requests too, but for now, requests are back open! So get in any and all ideas you may have :)

This is so so so sad, and yes, Rafe is pretty much the one doing all the wrong here. No, it doesn't have a happy ending, it's pure angst. It's the reason I'm breathing right now, and also the reason I'm breaking inside. I hope this makes you feel a roller coaster of emotions :')

The fic is inspired by one of my favourite artist, Ruel makes insane music and please check his stuff out if you want to 🫶🏻 and also listen to this track while reading this so the level of sadness and heartbreak just 📈📈📈📈

Please please please like and reblog if you liked this!!! Feedback is always appreciated 💝

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I watch her on the sidewalk, her hand intertwined with his as he sways their arms, both of them laughing. I feel the same pain in my heart which I experience each time I see them together.

Each time I see her so happy with someone who isn't me.

He's the one who gets to take her to little dates, click her pictures, surprise her with flower bouquets, when it is supposed to be me. I am the one who should be taking her to little dates, clicking her pictures, and surprising her with flower bouquets.

He kisses her cheek after pulling her closer to him from her waist the same way I used to do. She giggles just the same way she used to do with me. Her eyes sparkle and the most beautiful smile pulls her lips, and my heart used to flutter each time her irises gazed into mine.

But I don't get to experience that anymore. I don't get to see her smiling at me. Instead, each time we come across each other in public, she pretends she doesn't know who I am. Like I don't exist in her world anymore. And her boyfriend makes sure to pull her even closer to him and give me a glare if I even glance at her.

And I completely deserve that. Everything we had went down the gutter because of the way I am.

↶ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊˎ-

I slowly open the door to try and make as less noise as I can. I creep up the stairs, each move of mine calculated, but when I peek inside the room, i notice she's awake, sitting on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands.

I notice her body is moving as she is crying, the sobs escaping her silently. I feel my heart break at the sight. What have I done?

"Babe, hey..." I say softly, as I push open the door. She looks up at me, her eyes wide and red. Whenever I used to open the door after coming home from a long day, she would look at me with love in her eyes, but right now, there is nothing close to love in those eyes.

"Don't, just don't-" she whispers, her voice shaky and strained. Her cheeks are stained with her tears, and as she steps away from me, her footsteps are just as shaky as her voice.

"Just hear me out this one time, I was-"

"NO!" She yells, cutting me off. Her yell takes me by surprise, causing me to flinch slightly. "I don't have time for your excuses Rafe, I'm done with you, I'm done with this all. There's nothing you can say or do which can help defend you. Go back to your drugs, and Barry, I don't care," She moves towards her closet and gets a bag, and starts to put all her belongings in her bag.

I want to go ahead and stop her, get on my knees and beg her to not leave me, but my feet remain glued to the ground. I look at my feet, and hear the sounds of her frantically throwing stuff in her bag and trying to stuff it all in.

Suddenly, it is all silent. I look up to see her back towards me, and her arms at her sides. The bag she is stuffing is kept by her side on the ground, its contents spilling out.

"You know what today is?" She whispers.

I look at her back with my eyes wide, trying to comprehend what she is saying. What is it today? I rack my brain for answers but it turns up with nothing.

"It's our five year anniversary," she whispers, "and you promised to take me to Paris, where you and me will get on top of the Eiffel Tower to kiss just as it strikes midnight for today."

I want to jump off a 20 storey building.

This is too much.

I never knew how capable I was of fucking perfectly curated relationships up.

"But you forgot. Just the way you forgot about me. You've forgotten me completely, Rafe. All you care is about stupid shit, about your drugs, and your gold, and whatever the fuck it is. But I know you stopped caring about me a long, long time ago." She turns around now, her eyes looking everywhere but at me. "I waited, waited for as long as I could. I thought you'll come back to me. I thought you'll realise you're in the wrong and you'd want to correct it. But that moment never happened. I was just giving myself false hope." Her voice cracks towards the end and more tears stream down her face. She moves her hand to wipe them, and I have this sudden urge to hold her face in my hands and wipe her tears.

But I've lost all privileges to hold her, fuck, I shouldn't even look at her anymore.

"I'm ending this all here, I cannot hold onto this short thread of a relationship which you cut off so long ago. I need to let go, solely for me and my health." She sniffs and bends down to stuff everything in her bag messily and zip it up. She picks it up and hangs it on her shoulder.

My vision starts to get blurry as tears form in my eyes, as I watch her walk out of this room. These walls saw us share our most intimate moments together, and now they're seeing it all fall apart.

"Bye, Rafe."

Her last words echo in my ears as she leaves this house.

I've lost her forever.

↶ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊˎ-

As I watch her walk away with her new boyfriend, I have this urge to rip everything apart and bang my head against a wall until it bleeds.

Since she walked out that door, I have been a mess. I don't know who I am anymore. I was so in love with her, I wanted to marry her. I loved showing everyone that I got the best girl one can ever get. She loved me beyond the human capabilities, and made sure I was doing okay at all times.

My addiction to drugs worsened as I find myself each night either in my home with my cocaine or at some party with as many alcohol cups I can down. And it all continued getting bad when I blacked out from the drug consumption at a party and woke up in a hospital bed.

I lost my entire business, I lost my entire soul. I lost who I am, and at this point, I don't know how I'll continue to live life.

Because I want her.

I want her to hold me and run her hands through my hair, and remind me all is okay.

I want her to kiss my forehead and whisper sweet little nothings in my ear.

I want her to rub her hands on my back and tell me she'll always be there for me.

But I don't deserve anything good in life. And I certainly don't deserve an angel like her.

I will always love her.

close my eyes but what's the use, cause my mind still dreams of you.

↶ೃ✧˚. ❃ ↷ ˊˎ-

TAGLIST: @runningfrom2am @saccharinesammie @maybankslover @totalswag @madelynie @chenslucy @ietss @elle-mp3 @viawritesstuff @wallsdreams @tahliac11 @sadfury

[maryfailstowrite]

Rose's quote in the crossword of the literature insane girl MV will never not fail to amaze me. I absolutely love it and here's why:

"Ego cogito ergo (turbatus) sum."

First with the basics: "Cogito, ergo sum", the original (not really, because the real original was in french, but whatever) quote by René Descartes, translates into "I think, therefore I am". I don't think the meaning needs much explaining, because it's just... that. It's one of the first principles of Descartes's philosophy, and it states that one's existence is certain because to think, beforehand you need to exist. You can't doubt your own existence because to doubt, you need to exist. It's as simple as that.

But this interpretation of the phrase has little to do with Rose's character. There's a word (or maybe two, but I'll get to that later) that the MV adds, and that changes the whole meaning of the phrase.

“Ego cogito ergo (turbatus) sum.”

Rose’s quote translates into “I think, therefore I am (troubled).” This is not her doubting her existence or whatever, this is about her memory. “Thinking” here isn’t meant as in literally just thinking, but as in Rose’s thought processing and reasoning. Her photographic memory makes her have an overload of information to process at all times, and after processing it, she’s unable to discard it no matter what. She’s troubled, troubled because no matter what, she can’t forget. Every murder, every drop of blood, every gasp, every word is engraved in her mind, and no matter how hard she tries, she’s doomed to remember it all for the rest of her life.

A lot of people see having a photographic memory as a blessing. Almost like a superpower. They think of detectives solving murder cases because they remembered the exact position of one of the curtains at the victim’s house, or in Rose’s case, they imagine her making perfect replicas of a painting just after seeing it once. And, sure, maybe she can do that. She is the Ultimate Art Forger, after all. But I still think her photographic memory is much more a curse than it is a blessing for her.

Humans aren’t made to remember. We are made to forget a very big part of our lives, in fact. Do you remember exactly every meal you’ve ever had? Every shower you’ve taken? Every outfit you’ve worn? No, of course not. You don’t. Just like you don’t remember every single time someone has given you a strange look, or every time you’ve done something embarrassing.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Forgetting is a coping mechanism. Not only does it prevent our brains from overloading with useless information, it also helps us heal from bad experiences. If we remembered every single detail from all of our bad past experiences we would go insane, we would never heal from those memories and emotions. We could replay the memory over and over and over again to analyze what could’ve been different, what we could’ve done in another way, and what we could’ve ultimately done to avoid the situation. But as humans, we forget. It takes time, but the details start to fade one by one, and by the end, the bad experience is just a foggy distant memory, a mix of lingering feelings and a blurry outline of what happened, an outline that can’t hurt us anymore…

Except for Rose. Rose remembers everything. This is why the world is so overwhelming for her (let alone the killing game). She dozes off half of the day because if she wasn’t sleeping, she’d have to remember everything that happened at that time. I think it’s easier to picture it if you put it like this: Imagine if you were forced to memorize every single thing that happened around you for a day. Not just what you do, but what everyone in your view and hearing range does. It sounds exhausting, right? Well, welcome to Rose’s mind.

Rose is troubled because she can’t forget. Or rather, she remembers, therefore she’s troubled (see the parallelism I did there with the quote we’re analyzing???? see it????). She’s condemned to remember every detail of everything that has ever happened to her, to replay moments like movies and analyze them until she finds out what could’ve been better, what could’ve been worse, what she could’ve done different. The problem is, the past is the past, and no matter how much you replay it, it never comes back. It’s just an illusion, a nightmare that appears in front of you, and yet you can never reach. You can just watch as it unfolds, unable to change it, unable to do anything, unable to look away. She can never look away.

As an ending to this post, I’d like to take a closer look at another detail. The original phrase is “Cogito, ergo sum”, as it’s already been stated before, but the version used in the MV is “Ego cogito ergo (turbatus) sum.” “Ego” simply means “I”, so it doesn’t add much meaning (in fact, the original French is “Je pense, donc je suis”, so the pronoun was already there from the beginning), but I still think adding it emphasizes the meaning they want to give to the phrase. It refers to Rose’s personal experience, so instead of making it a general quote anyone can say “I think, therefore I am (troubled)”, they emphasize the personal meaning of it by adding the “I”, which can be perfectly omitted in Latin without losing the phrase’s meaning. It’s something more like “I think, therefore I am (troubled)”, and I think it’s a great detail to see how different Rose’s experience of existing is compared to everyone else’s, or at least, how different she considers it to be.

In conclusion, I’m a nerd that loves looking too much into things. Thanks for coming to my TED talk 🫶🏻.

[wassup-its-e]

Can you tell us more about wynncraft? I've only barely heard/seen something about it but I am intrigued (bribe has worked). It's like an mmo, right? How difficult is this for someone to get into if they have absolutely no experience with that?

HAI YES, WYNNCRAFT IS A MINECRAFT MMORPG AND ITS HONESTLY ITS NOT THAT HARD TO GET INTO ONCE YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO its gonna have a new update soon so this is me being autistic about it because ive been playing for YEARS

its basically your typical mmo with insane questslines magic system class system etc but the thing that is so impressive about this is that

ITS IN MINECRAFT

the cutscenes are phenomenal and theyre all made using insane command blocks

the building and the environment the atmosphere everything is created by an incredible team of builders

THE CHARACTERS AND NPC WILL GIVE YOU EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS.

the lore is deep and interesting, its like watching a show from the beginning all silly fun and BOOM YOU'RE GONNA CRY AND BE IN DESPAIR AT THE MIDDLE WHERE EVERYTHING CHANGED.

my only recommend if you wanna start is to JUST PLAY IT IS SO MUCH FUN

and also do the secret discoveries {its basically where all the lore are}

[kazehita]

hi! i noticed your recent post recommending the fic natural satellite and i think i've noticed other isat fics around your blog too. because of that, i was wondering if you had a list of recommended isat fics! i will admit i am not someone who just peruses around on ao3 but i love reading about these characters so if you have any recs, i would greatly appreciate them! thanks and i hope you have a lovely day :3

I love ALL isat fic - each and every one is so special and wonderful - but if I listed the whole archive that wouldn't really help huh... So! Im going to list just some off the top of my head., this is in no way definitive. Isat spoilers ahead - get all the way through the game and the secret before proceeding.

Big recommendation list below:

Additionally, mind the tags for each fic - I wont be specifying the content warnings here.

(don't just read the complete ones!!! Incomplete fic is just as delightful I promise :3)

Complete: Bloom - Level99Eevee Most people know it, it sits at the top of the tag! It's my every wish fulfilled for post-cannon moments.

Memories of defeat - dirtbagtrashcat Stuff in and immediately after the loops, fantastic extrapolations!!!! Very much Loop <33 I find this very grounded and realistic!!!!

Emotion Sickness - dirtbagtrashcat Post cannon fun/trauma with siffrin and the gang.

Memories of Touch - dirtbagtrashcat look i just really like their work sjkdjkfjkasdf its all good go through their profile. This is Isa thoughts.

And if I were not myself, would this be easier? - rabbit_soup Post-game! I love how they flesh out the world.

The Understudy - kittyorange Suuuuch a loop fic I love it to bits. Post cannon loop and the gang stuff.

Star-Speckled Skin - Lora_Blackmane Funn angsty moment, title is very descriptive. Lives in my head rent free.

Clinging to dying embers - Coffeewolf67 Odile's perspective of sif using the dagger. appropriate content warnings apply :)

between the end and a new start - glowingjellyfishtreelights SICKFICCC I had a very funny experience with this one where due to memory mishaps I got to read it for the first time twice! Absolute banger.

What's in a name? - Raaj Explores siffrins love of plays. I have to regularly reread this for my brain to function.

Starstruck - Dusk_Illusionist Isa yearns. The fic. It rocks.

Saturn Devouring His Son (Time Choking on Stone Choking on Blood)- BasilPaste Post cannon moment... I like it...

(Why) you can't let them know by Mayasynth sasasap fic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i like it. i hold it. i like it. UGH theres more but I have already listed so many.. my other favorites... im so sorry.,.. i love you guys too... Incomplete:

How To Rest by rabbit_soup Sequel to "And if i were not myself, would this be easier?" Loop is here and I love violence.

TRY IT AGAIN, CHEATER! by discatded "[Loop returns to their own universe after everything. It's hard.]" - from the summary. Love it love it. I will never get enough of this premise.

To Extend our Reach to the Stars Above by Cinnamin_Is_a_Star "Sif if he was team rocket" and is so fun. Very excited to see this one pan out!

until we move on. by Anonymous (also known as lozy) LOOP MY BELOVED..! loop returns to their universe and promptly looses it like the universe intended. Cant get enough of it.

Natural Satellite by dirtbagtrashcat If a single fic makes me the Most insane its natural satellite if I'm honest.... like bro... It just gets right to me...

Sunder by Miranda_tries_their_best Post-cannon Loop fic!! They travel on their own for a bit (but not forever), and I love it dearly.

Face the Light by Kaimiiru Post-game, I hold it close to my heart.... Ah... It's so dear to me.

These next two are sloop so if that's not your thing you have been warned :]

raconte-moi qu’on puisse crier tout bas by bibliomaniac I'm holding this high above my head so everyone can see it the characterization is off the charts.

To Cut You Open With a Knife and Find Your Sacred Heart by Hexea_Art Changeling Loop fic!! What a fun concept. I am excited to see where it goes. yay! AGAIN... THERE ARE SO MANY I LOVE SO MUCH but im forcing myself not to look through the tag else I'd add everything. Honestly, I do recommend just launching right on into the ao3 tag for ISAT even if you aren't super familiar with ao3. Just be sure to filter out anything you don't want to see!

Consider this a good starting point ^^

[holdingup-fallingsky]

I am once again thinking about how fucking fantastic of a song Fate of the Faithful is like the lyricism is fucking insane, there’s so many double entendres for each line and each one still matches the themes of the song (y’know being absolutely pissed off at religion and god) and like you can feel the emotion and rage radiating off this song it’s actually insane. And then to top THAT all off, the actual music of the song feels like a powerful summer lightning storm, y’know the type that make you understand why our ancestors used to think storms were god’s wrath. And then there’s this underlying feeling of bitterness; the type you only really experience when someone you were extremely close and devoted to betrays you and your trust it’s just all so UGHHHHHHHH and like even the TITLE of the song is crazy like yeah, the fate of the fiercely faithful is that you will get burned and that you find out it was not worth it and that it meant nothing. Like do you understand

[enden-agolor]

weirdly specific idea but thoughts on jesskas angst straight after access denied (probably before a journeys end aswell) if jesse chose to save petra first instead of lukas...

I think about this… all the time…..

This is kinda long so uhh

It’s kind of idk… Insane?? That right after defeating PAMA, Jesse and his friends get absolutely no break time in between returning with Harper to the portal hallway, and down to the spleef match. Like I can imagine they were all already so exhausted, and for them to get sent into that with absolutely no warning?? I feel as though that definitely played a part in why Lukas, Petra, and Ivor (depending on who you choose) end up losing and being sent to the Nether mines.

But the reason I mention this is both Lukas and Petra have the opportunity to have two near death experiences in one single day. The amount of anguish either of them must be going through? I can’t imagine. I feel like Petra is more the person to kind of suck it up and deal with it on her own terms, keeping those feelings hidden, but Lukas has more trouble withholding his emotions. I imagine him constantly rubbing at the back of his head where he was chipped, messing with the spot the chip was implanted and feeling the grotesque hole it leaves in his scalp, and all the dried blood along with it. He, Petra, and everyone else in the Crown Mesa have to deal with this.

Okay my bad I’m realizing now I’m kind of rambling. But hear me out.

I like to imagine that when Jesse rescues Lukas and Petra (I always pick to save Ivor just for that scene where Lukas laughs at him in his underwear) and heading into the dorms, each room has like two beds, so each room gets two people. And uhm because I am smart and cool I say Jesse and Lukas get assigned a room together and Ivor and Petra get theirs together (which they both equally complain about but that changes nothing).

After everyone gets to their rooms and night falls, the entire place quiets down as all the contestants eventually fall asleep but Lukas is still very much wide awake, sitting up in his bed, worried about his journal, worried about the future, and replaying every traumatic event that unfolded as the day gradually progressed. That, and the pain in the back of his head is unbearable. Part of him is relieved he’s not competing, but another part of him feels tremendously guilty and disappointed in himself for losing the match.

Jesse, exhausted beyond belief, but kept awake by the visions of his friends dying, that, and the memories of his fight against PAMA, and seeing Lukas in such a moment of peril as he’s rapidly losing his grip on Jesse, while simultaneously trying to fight PAMA. Well, it keeps a guy up, no matter how tired he is. And tossing and turning in his bed, he eventually turns over and sees Lukas still awake, sitting up and rubbing the back of his head. Maybe it’s completely dark in the room, aside from the nearby window that a rift of moonlight casts through, lighting Lukas up just enough so Jesse can see he’s awake.

Jesse sitting up and asking Lukas if he’s okay, and how come he’s not asleep yet, Lukas can only really respond with a shrug and shake of his head. Just says to Jesse that he can’t sleep, and that’s when Jesse sits up fully and kinda shifts on the bed, letting his legs dangle off the side as he sits up fully, giving Lukas his full attention.

Long story short, Jesse will pry for more, then proceed to ask Lukas how he’s feeling after everything. Lukas hesitant, but trusting, spills his emotions about PAMA, about the ache in his head, about his frustrations with Harper and the old builders, and how guilty he feels about spleef. I feel like he’d definitely begin to crack under the pressure of finally saying everything out loud, utterly distraught as he begins to choke up, and that’s when Jesse stands up and crosses the room, settling down on Lukas’ bed and well, tries to match the emotions Lukas is feeling by confessing all of his own worries, and the turmoil he’s facing from the past, and what’s to come in the future.

Most of all though, he tells Lukas how thankful and relieved he is that Lukas is safe. And that’s when Jesse’s voice really begins to shake is when he talks about how he’d thought he’d lost Lukas twice in one day, and how terrifying each moment felt for him. Lukas by this point has gone silent, listening, shocked speechless by the depth and emotion Jesse’s words carry. Like the way he speaks about Lukas sounds as though he were someone meant dearly to Jesse. Like he was surprised to see how much Jesse cared when he begged for Lukas to be okay after he was unchipped and laying supposedly lifeless, and to see that kind of passion, so soon after, now alone… just the two of them.

Idk man Lukas is feeling a bit flattered. And kinda getting that butterfly feeling which he’d usually experience around Jesse every so often, but as of recently the feeling numbed do to the stress of the current situation. But now that feeling kicks back in full swing, and it is a lot.

It’s when Jesse says, “I don’t ever want to lose you.” Is when Lukas finally settles on an idea brewing in his mind.

I’ve always hc Lukas as someone who copes through trauma with touch and affection, or just nice feelings in general, so him nervously responding with “You won’t,” and hesitation when Jesse smiles tiredly back at him, slowly finding the confidence with “uhm… Jesse? If you wouldn’t mind,” and Lukas scoots over a little bit, patting the spot in bed next to him. A once in a life time opportunity.

Jesse is shook, also blushing like an idiot because wow Lukas is ethereal in this lighting, and he looks gorgeous, even with those tear stained cheeks of his. Jesse is kind of dumb though, specifically with this sort of thing so he just replies with an “uhm.. s-sure, Lukas.” And scoots over, settling in beside Lukas but on top of the covers. Lukas smiles at how dense Jesse is, and says something like “under the covers, Jesse.” And Jesse’s like “o-oh okay.” Still blushing, embarrassed like an idiot. Also Jesse is like. Big. He is a big guy so he takes up a significant amount of space in the bed. Also he’s like a space heater, and with the cold, snowy weather outside, and complete lack of an ac (it’s minecraft), Lukas is naturally drawn to that warmth, snuggling up to Jesse who is just kind of laying there, tense and unmoving, heart pounding. And oh god Lukas is wrapping his arms around his torso and settling his head right between his thick bicep and chest.

Then… only then can they fall asleep ☝️ Also this moment empowers Jesse like never before, and he wakes up the next day in a cuddly embrace, feeling every one of his hearts completely rejuvenated.

What an awesome thing that totally happens in canon because Enden says so.

[waitmyturtles]

As I did last week, I have more constructive criticism for Jack & Joker, so, trigger warning again, please fly away if you can't deal with objective criticism of your faves.

What frustrates me about the construction of this show is that it's tripping on its own feet. And I shouldn't use the indefinite article; I should call out director Tee Bundit directly, because we saw him do this in spades in Step By Step. Tee did everything he could to avoid building a real narrative romance between the SBS leads, and the emotional beats that succeeded their late-series intimate breakthrough were not syncopated properly to match the development of a convincing relationship.

The incomplete beats at hand here are not as bad as they were in SBS. What's keeping me going on in Jack & Joker is that, at least, we are getting separate emotional development trajectories for Jack and Joke -- and a nice, hearty head-smack from Ah Mah at the end of the episode, towards Jack and his inclination to shut down and keep his shit internal. Ah Mah is trying to get Jack to know how to act as family, and she did the same with Joke's father earlier in the episode.

Like I said last week, I think this show has some really wonderful family-related thematic gems like the ones I just mentioned for this week's episode. Yin and War are acting these themes out with heart. Jack's in a really tough spot. The robber clowns will get together again next week to try to get him out of his tough spot.

And I know many of us are upset with Joke's dad, as I am, too, he's a real piece of shit, but his scenes with Joke struck me as very real to the experience of an insanely strict Asian dad. I've written about this too many times to count, but the ability of an Asian parent to cut their kids off like that is a concept that majority Western culture hasn't contemplated, except in instances of religion, sexism, bigotry, etc., but anyway -- that kind of cut-off doesn't exist as part of the everyday Western mentality about parenting, whereas in Asian parenting styles, to reject the patriarchal hierarchy could mean permanent separation, as Joke's dad has enacted to Joke. The fact that the motherfucker reconsidered AFTER EATING JOKE'S FOOD struck me as deeply sexist ("the way to a man's" blah blah, UGH), so I'm glad Ah Mah told that bitch off, but I did think those scenes were done well and realistically.

Anyway, where this series is absolutely lagging is in the EDITING. All these rich people games. I think there are many more concise narrative ways that we can be told that the rich play with the lives of the poor, than to give us bloated scene after bloated scene of literal gaming. Forget metaphors! Just give us some well-written, snappy dialogue about how these rich people are total assholes! We'll believe it!

And at the same time, I'm feeling bad for Rose, honestly. She likes Jack! She has no idea her crush on him is caught up in this Boss bullshit. She's gonna be hurt! And they're gonna rob her house now? I mean, I think what Tee is saying (I think?!?!?!) is that what comes to her, she deserves, because she's as scummy as the rest of the other scummy rich people (Ajahn Pichai, was that you?!). But like, this is her dad's shit?! So she gets automatically blamed because she's a nepo baby? I mean, I guess, if you're a reader of New York Magazine, that's reasonable thinking, but like, some of us are moral thinkers here!

This shit is complicated, and for an episode that was ONE HOUR. AND. 21. MINUTES. LONG., we could have a shorter AND clearer episode that could have scrubbed at the grout of these otherwise very interesting moral quandaries. But instead, we got video games from some dusty-ass rich boy who needs a goddamn bath.

I know, I know we haven't gotten the intimacy payoffs for any of the implied couples yet, and maybe this is part of YinWar's intention in having so much control over their script. But I did wonder if I was watching a Series Y/BL, or if I was watching a dramedy instead. I don't really care what genre it's in. But what I would like is for the themes to be crystal-clearly focused so that us, the viewers, can lean into what the cast and showmakers WANT us to care about -- which, thematically, I'm unclear on at this moment.

[auspicioustidings]

Make your own way home

Summary: Short little drabble of what happens a few weeks after that ending cut scene.

CW: Dubcon/non-con by virtue of spirit possession.

If there was ever an example of wrong place, wrong time, you think you were it. The trip alone to the Highlands was supposed to be a journey of self-discovery. It was supposed to calm your mind, let you meditate in nature and find some peace. Not be in your head so much.

And now here you were, in your head. Stuck in your head. 

You hadn’t ever really given much thought to whether you believed in ghosts or not. You thought of them as something from horror films, always creeping in the dark and spooking young couples in their new house. You had never considered that they could be out in the hills during the daylight, waiting for a warm body to commandeer. 

And he had commandeered you without too much of a fight. For a few hours you had wrestled him for control, but his will was overpowering. It didn’t help that whoever had rudely put themselves in the driver's seat was an arse.

Let me out

“Cannae dae that, got places to be.” 

It’s my body!

“Our body hen.”

No, absolutely not, this is not a communist body, this is single ownership

“In that case, it’s my body” he laughed, seemingly finding your screaming in your (his?) head amusing.

It is NOT

“Let me see if I have a pretty wee body tae match my pretty wee voice.”

You could only watch as he took your body to the lakeside and peered into the glassy surface. It was bizarre, watching your own face light up in a grin that looked nothing like yours. He seemed pleased with what he was looking at, and you thought if you were in control you might have blushed. In fact, you knew that to be the case seeing a dusting of colour appear. Interesting, your body at least still reacted to your emotions. 

“Fuck me, look at this,” he all but purred, a hand coming to squeeze at your chest.

Oh, oh it wasn’t just your emotions that your body still reacted to. You felt the touch as if it was someone else’s hand on you and you certainly felt the sick little bolt of pleasure from it. The little bit of excitement of how horribly wrong this was. 

“Dinnae tempt me hen, told ye we have places to be. Once we get there we can play together as long as ye want.”

You could not think of a single thing to say to that and you almost felt a sense of motion sickness when your body started moving again, trekking through the mountains at a pace you would never go at. You tried everything. You pictured a battering ram to try and smash through to get control and he responded by putting thoughts in your shared headspace of the ramming turning lewd. You sang obnoxiously and he only joined in using your voice, delighted with how it sounded. You gave him the silent treatment and got so painfully bored of it that within 30 minutes you were back to just wailing in your head. 

“Ye know, they dinnae usually stay.”

What do you mean?

“When we take a body, the previous tenant disnae usually stick around.”

Am I going to die?

“Naw if ye dinnae want that. Even if ye did, might keep ye around. If ye behave might even let ye have control for a wee bit, would ye like that?”

If being possessed was not terrifying enough, the concept that the thing possessing you one, had plenty of experience and two, had never had anyone survive was making you feel sick. You felt that feeling in your body and he felt it too if his confused little grunt was anything to go by.

“Come on hen, be nice,” he said, not stopping but shoving a hand unceremoniously into your pants to rub gently. “Just relax.”

It was an insane feeling, you touching yourself but it actually being someone else controlling the movements. He wasn’t going fast, the languid pace seemingly aiming to soothe more than anything. It was wild that it sort of worked, that sick feeling fading out to a hazy rolling pleasure that was only just a gentle simmer.

At some point you felt your thoughts drift off to a strange sleep even though your body was still awake and moving. When you felt consciousness leak back in, you could see yourself approaching a house. 

“Look who's finally awake! Good timing princess” he said. You could hear the exhaustion in your voice, you wondered if he had let himself and the body sleep at all. Maybe if the body slept, you could wrestle back control.

You watched as your hand came to knock at the door. Watched it open to reveal a huge man in a skull balaclava. Watched and very much felt when your body launched at him, pushing the mask up to get your lips on his. He reacted as if he knew you, holding your body tight and laughing into your lips.

“Knew you’d make your own way home.”

“Always do LT.”

[wyndigos-blog]

Okay, I could not fit this entire thing in the notes, so I'm going to make a separate post for it @servusapollinis

Basically, vasovagal syncope is a condition where, when somebody is exposed to certain triggers (usually blood, gore, vomit, or needles, although it can be many other things) they experience a massive spike in heart rate and a massive drop in blood flow, usually leading to emotional distress, lightheadedness, headaches, or fainting.

I have severe trypanophobia (fear of needles) and I got vasovagal syncope from my mom, so I flip the fuck out whenever I see/am near needles. But this is insane, It's totally irrational, I absolutely love horror, and gore, and all that stuff, it doesn't bother me at all, probably to a concerning extent! So it's totally weird for me to have this.

But I've been watching the SAW franchise, and I've had absolutely no reaction to all of the blood and gore, I've quite enjoyed watching it. But now I'm on the second movie, and there's a scene where a woman has to crawl through a pit of needles. And up until this point, I'm completely fine, enjoying the movie, laughing with my family, all the good stuff. And all of a sudden I'm super light-headed, I'm crying and I don't know why I'm crying, and then I start laughing because I'm crying, and I can't stop laughing, and then my dad had to get me some water and help me off the floor.

I've had some very extreme reactions to needles, I mean hell, I wasn't even in the double digits when I was literally fighting several doctors just because I had to get blood drawn, but I've never done something like that, and I have a good feeling that the next time I have to see a needle irl, I'm going to pass out for real this time.

So yeah! Actually a pretty funny experience, but probably not the best.