#but i am Going to learn how to draw people. i'm manifesting now so that i don't go insane

[thatiwouldbe]

anyway if u guys don't see any art from me at all before the end of the year (aside from like. gleesource event and maybe vb au kurt's bday if i can pull sth together for that) it's bc im trying to learn anatomy again and it is going to send me through all 5 stages of grief i can already feel it

[aryxchse]

I just read your Percy Jackson x daughter of Persephone fic and I really would like to read one for daughter of Hekate.

I mean you still have me questioning my Cabin but for the sake of all those years that I was daughter of Hekate, I would love to read Percy Jackson x daughter of Hekate from you.

casted a spell on me / percy jackson x daughter of hecate! reader.

a / n : my wife y'all 👆🏻

warnings : cursing

- percy wanted to gift hazel a special crystal for her birthday

- but he never really understood the girl, nor the crystal things

- so which cabin everyone visits when stuff like this happens?

- the hecate cabin.

- you were the only one left in cabin when percy barged in

- while you were cleansing (?) your room

- "hello?"

- "i am so sorry- should i leave? am i intrupting something?"

- you shrugged him off with a laugh, saying that it's not important enough for him to leave

- and he happily stayed

- "you.. know hazel right?"

- "duh, she's my ride or die."

- and everything began like this

- there was 2 weeks until hazel's birthday and percy decided to use that time wisely

- and he was kinda glad that he started working early

- because, he get to spend time with you

- man he's already whipped, look at you doing magical stuff and casting a spell on the boy

- the last part was percy's own delusion but yeah, you could turn him into a pig and he would be thankful

- "you could gift her tarot cards as a bonus, she's interested in those."

- "...show me."

- this boy knows NOTHING

- and when you read his cards he was gasping like a little girl

- hes so amazed by you omg

- you could make up something for the uno cards and he would scream 'this girl fucking rocks!!'

- did i said hes whipped? do i have to??

- anyways back on hazel's birthday gift mission

- since you ran out from hazel's favorite crystals, somehow, you both got the chance to shop outside in the mortal world!!!!

- it was a perfect first date in percy's head

- he's asking you personal questions like which crystal is best for your aura or smth

- sneaky bastard

- you guys shopped together until night and lost your dessert for the week

- but who cares? it was the best date

- people saw percy leave with a different crystal each time after visiting your cabin

- you got this boy wear crystals for lucky charm

- he joked that he only needed you for luck but anyways-

- the mission was complete eventually

- but percy didn't left your side even after hazel's birthday

- you guys are ment to be together now okay?? it says that on your birth chart

- your zodiacs are matching too

- shut up you made him a manifest queen

- he lets you draw symbols on his arms for some reasons you came up with

- hes scared you're really making him obsessed with you, because of the amount of times you're in his head, is embarresing

- and he needed to make you his

- like immediatly

- or else he'll go crazy from his love

- maybe you did cast a spell-

- "i think i learned how to read your cards."

- when he said that in one of his regular visits, you couldn't help but get curious

- did he actually learned that fast?

- so you gave him your cards and picked a few, he started looking at them like he knew something

- it said that something will happen good this week

- but instead, percy said

- "you're in love with a raven haired boy aren't you?"

- you tried so hard not to laugh

- and it was true, so you let him play his game

- "oh my gods! how did you know?"

- he literally smirked

- "i'm a natural pretty."

- he started to look more, and told you to pick two more cards

- you could already see what it meant, but you were curious what he will say

- "hmm, this guy has gorgeous sea green eyes, man you have taste!"

- a snort left your lips but you quickly gathered yourself

- "can you see any initials??"

- "oh totally! the lovers card is upside down so it means p and j."

- you were turning red from holding your laugh at this point, and he started to get a feeling that you figured what he was doing

- no shit sherlock

- "how weird, doesn't that ring any bells to you too? or is it just me?"

- "maybe it's that hot dude called percy jackson?"

- "OHHHH yes!! i knew i remembered that initials from somewhere!!"

- you both burst into laughters

- "my dear student, i see you payed attention to my classes!"

- he laughed at your tease until he finally managed to answer

- "being in love with you helped."

- smooth, jackson. smooth.

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

Hey there! Hekate has pointed me toward your blog and I just wanted to say hi 💞

I do have a question though, have you ever had deities help you with motivation and executive functioning skills? I've got ADHD and the "laziness"(🤢) or what I call "going slug mode" (staying in bed all day, no motivation to shower, etc) really commands my life.

My periods of deity work tend to coincide with my periods of productivity and energy, but I often fall off when, well, everything else falls off. So I guess I'm also looking for advice or at least to connect with someone who's had similar experiences.

(I've also connected with Aphrodite and Loki! Other gods I've worked with in the past are Mother Hathor and Brigid)

First off, I may or may not have had so many feelings upon seeing "Hekate has pointed me towards your blog" because the idea that my blog can be useful enough that a deity would go "go look at what that dude has to say" just brings me so much joy.

Second off, OH THIS IS ABSOLUTELY SOMETHING I SHOULD SCREAM ABOUT THANK YOU. I can't believe I haven't already made a post about this!!

I, too, am an ADHD motherfucker and I have always had so many issues with keeping up with my craft. I will absolutely be calling it "slug mode" from now on, that's the best fucking way to put it. I've had deities help me with executive function at times, but if I'm honest I've forgotten lately that I can ask them for help with that. More often than not it looks more like nudging me towards a task than giving me the energy- but that doesn't mean you can't ask! It just means I forgot I could, lol.

This is gonna be a chonker post, so I'm breaking this post up into two parts; 1, why accepting "falling off" was the best thing I could have done for myself and 2, how to still connect with your craft (and deities) through those times anyway.

So for one, you're not broken or a failure, and your deities fuckin' love you.

Call me philosophical, but hear me out; I've always worked in cycles. Cycles of insane productivity, cycles of tiredness, cycles of hyperfixation on one thing, then another, then another. I'm just someone who works that way, and I've always viewed it as a problem to be fixed. I've always viewed MYSELF as a problem to be fixed, which really started with the school system but that's an unrelated rant. So, apologies for getting a bit intense especially since this may not apply to you personally, but just in case:

You're not a problem. You don't need to fix yourself. The world works in cycles. Seasons, reincarnation if you subscribe to that belief, the water cycle, and a billion other things I've forgotten- working with cycles is just a natural way of going about life that I think shouldn't be forgotten. I have intense periods of growth in my craft, and I have periods where I don't do much and instead play my favorite video game for eight hours straight- and that's okay! One of the best things I did for myself and my craft was give myself permission to do that. I, and you, are not failures as witches for "falling off" and our deities love us anyway. Not in spite of it, either, because of it. They know how to work with the cyclic nature of things; people are no different.

So honestly, there's a chance that none of this will make sense to you- but there's a chance that you, and maybe others seeing this post, might find that giving yourself permission to go through cycles might be the best thing you could do.

Okay, now that I've yelled about that, here's ways that I keep myself connected to my craft and my deities during my less witchy periods.

I give myself permission to use witchcraft for "dumb shit." I have at least one post on this, but witchcraft can BE childish, playful, "dumb-" it doesn't need to be serious all the time. So I'm learning to let go of what I think it should look like and recognize that sometimes the way to stay connected is to lay in bed and draw a sigil on my phone as a mini-spell to manifest a nice little treat or a thing I want in a video game.

This isn't deity work, but it had been huge for me: SIGILS. Sigils my beloved. I don't often have the time, energy, or supplies to do what most people think of when they talk about spells. So instead, if I'm feeling like I could do a spell for something but that's just too much, sigils can be done on my phone or computer while just chilling. Also, if you're like me and a writer, I just write spells too. Literally the same way I write statements for sigils, but a bunch of 'em.

Personally I just talk to my deities. I would like to do this more, actually. You don't need to have a big reason for calling them in, just ask them to sit with you and talk about your day or infodump about a special interest. They're not going to deem it unimportant; you're important to them.

Turn anything into a devotional activity if you want. Any self-care. Not just the typical stuff; I mean food, meds, literally any sort of "maintenance" to keep your body and mind running! If you can't do those, play music you associate with them, or watch a show/play a game and invite them to just sit with you. Whatever you're already doing, you can just ask them to do it with you. If that's literally just laying in bed doing nothing but feeling crappy, I can assure you I've asked them to sit with me during those days too and they've been more than happy.

Literally most of my offerings are just random food. As we speak, I have a little tiny thing with a few sips of soda because I give Loki some when I drink some. If you don't have the time or energy to put it on the altar, literally just drink it with the intention that you're drinking it "for" them. When I did a reading and Kali visited for it, she asked for a graham cracker of all things. It doesn't have to be associated with them. Virtual offerings too! If you can, I've seen people just scroll through pinterest/google images and pick images to offer to their deities.

This might not be something you struggle with, but this is definitely something I would need someone to tell me so: ASK. PLEASE. ASK FOR THINGS. They're not going to riot if you ask for things!! Let them help!! Ask for things, unapologetically if you can muster it!!! I am using excessive exclamation marks for a reason, I swear. My deities are in a constant state of telling me to just ask for things.

Be gentle with yourself. Genuinely, I think one of the best ways to honor your deities doesn't even require them to be there at all; just try not to hate on yourself for being the way you are, because they wouldn't want you to.

Overall, my only advice is just... throw away what you "should" be doing and find out what you LIKE doing. What works for you? It's a hard question to answer, but it gets a lot easier when you start looking away from what "should" work. Your deities are working with you, they wouldn't be working with you if they didn't accept every single part of you. That includes slug mode.

As always, my DM's and asks are open if you have any more questions/just want to connect because being a neurodivergent witch sometimes just feels isolating at times! If you actually read this whole post thank you, I hope some of it helped!!

[brendanjharkin]

Tag meme- get to know you game: answer the questions and tag the people you want to get to know better

It has been insanely long since I've done one of these things, cheers for the tag @poorpoorpitifulme.

- last song you listened to

Gates of Heaven - The Mary Wallopers The start of this song can be deceptive, it's a light and cheerful tune as the lyrics centre around the dogmatic influence of Catholicism upon Ireland and the church positioning itself above the people. The latter half of the song gives its way to the rage that should be felt about the above and leads out on an incredible rendition of the Dawning of the Day (the musical air against which Raglan Road is famously set).

- currently reading

The Collected Poems of John Donne I barely take the time to read regularly these days but have been working my way back through this collection (since you can do so in small sessions). If you can get used to the language of a boyo born in the 1500s it's quite a thing to be able to sit and enjoy his work and feel that connection of understanding whilst you're 500 years in the future.

- currently watching Shogun: Greatly enjoying Protestant vs Catholic antics in the Sengoku period in Japan although the lead actor was quite clearly told "we were going to cast Tom Hardy but couldn't get him so act like Tom Hardy would've acted in this role". Dungeon Meshi: Extremely fun anime antics that usually end up giving me some kind of food craving for the rest of the week. Masters of the Air: This was supposed to be "Band of Brothers but with WW2 pilots" and instead it's "jesus that Unreal Engine screen has gotta be like 2ft away from yer man's head this looks like shit" Compartment No.6: Saw this a few years back in the QFT and it's been stuck in my head ever since. I'm not going to explain what it's about because frankly it's better going in blind. It is very good.

- currently obsessed with

I set a new years resolution to take up an "art school" course type thing to learn how to draw. Currently doing daily sessions of practicing fundamentals as part of a 2 year course, I am very shit at it but slowly and surely there are improvements and some things make more sense. Spending time on it is its own reward and with the current onslaught of generative AI and a general sense of human decline right now, I feel like immersing myself more in art is helping get back in touch with appreciating manifestations of goodness whilst we are subjected to daily news of a genocide nobody is permitted to interrupt, a Cold War revival and unstoppable environmental collapse. On that cheerful note: @sceneabomination @smallgamedev @northirish @bluevioletcat @gingerslicer Get ye to work or further chain-mail posts will get you in your sleep tonight

[goron-king-darunia]

DotNW Draw-a-thon Recap

Links to individual posts and the associated art at the end. But first, some thoughts.

Want to start by saying this was an excellent and very fun event and even though the English fandom is very small, it was fun to participate. I will be adding on more monsters into the sketchbook to fill it up, but probably not at the rate I've been drawing this month. I would like to someday make the complete monsterbook, including the descriptions from the game, organized in groups based on evolution, but that's a big and very casual project for the future. No promises. It's just a shame that such a resource doesn't already exist. There are videos on youtube that let you look at the monsters in a players completed monster book, but none of them go for the little descriptions and all of the videos are ancient potato-quality rips or just straight up filmed from a monitor rather than screen-capped. It's just not the same as big fancy drawings. But also I will never not be salty that you cannot rotate the monsters in the monster book. I wanna see what these guys look like! SOMEBODY PUT EFFORT INTO DESIGNING THEM, LET ME SEE THEM! AUGH!

Skills I learned from this draw a thon:

People are hard to draw. But the Loomis method for heads simplifies a lot of facial anatomy with easy proportions to remember and landmark guidelines that are more than just "draw sphere, draw a cross on that sphere, put your eyes on that cross and manifest a jaw from the ether, slap hair on that and place ears somewhere. You're on your own for the mouth and hairline. Did you do it?" The Loomis method, at least the videos I found, very gently explained where all the lines go and what they're for. Rocky start but I think I'm getting a handle on it? Not an expert, clearly, but I'm getting better.

People are hard. Hands are harder. And yet if I have a reference of exactly what gesture I want to draw, I can do it? Which is very strange. Hand construction still eludes me, so I will be practicing that, along with feet because those are also hard, but I'm actually somehow way better now at just... taking a pic of my hand on the selfie cam on my phone and just... "Okay, yeah, that's what the fingers look like. Makes sense. Let me just slap down the contours for a rough idea of the const-- Oh, nevermind. I just made the hand perfectly the first time..." So yeah, any of the good hands you see are either me looking at my own hand and drawing it directly, me looking at a reference and drawing it directly, or, especially on the monsters, me being incredibly lucky every single time. All the bad hands? Construction or agonizing over trying to utilize indirect reference.

Monsters are easy except when they aren't. Aside from a few small proportion issues that can be easily remedied during the digital inking and coloring phase, I think basically every monster is either exactly what I wanted or pretty damn close. You can see with the Polwigles from 2011 that I was not having a good time trying to construct them. Like, they're spheres, but not really? But they're not hemispheres, and definitely not a hemisphere stacked on a sphere, even though that's the closest approximation. I struggled forever trying to get the body shapes right. And then literally after like, 2 or 3 attempts not shown here on various other projects over the years, I am suddenly the expert with Polwigles? Basically every single doodle I am happy with when it comes to the wigles. They are very inconsistent design-wise between the game and the manga, and since their mouths in the game open almost all the way around during damage animations... I am opting to lean on the design sensibilities of Onshuu no Richter. Still, basically every Polwigle is constructed without reference. So I guess, somehow, after 13 years, I understand the shapes? I dunno how it happened but it did?

I think most of my troubles with the monsters boil down to one of 2 problems: Not being good at construction, that is, constructing unique poses from indirect references to make an educated guess about how a thing would look like from a different angle if we were to rotate or tweak its fundamental shapes in 3 dimensional space. And then not being able to FUCKING SEE THE MONSTERS. JUST LET ME LOOK AT THEM. There are lots of Polwigles from different angles in the manga, so if I NEEDED to use a direct reference, I could. But for the rest of these guys you basically only get the standard 3/4 facing to the left pose from the monster book and if you can even get a clear frame to look at, there's very little dynamism in the pose. The Lailah for example. I wanted to having it point a blade toward the viewer. But the blade is a complicated shape. I am poor with construction so the best I could do is imagine it as a rectangle and sort of carve the contours out of it to the best of my ability to try to get that foreshortened. Because I have no way to study the shape from other angles besides the ones shown directly in the monster book.

The rest of my problems are me standing in my own way. I did try to practice a lot of new skills. Combining references, taking risks, drawing for fun and not just drawing for a final product. And all of them were helpful to a degree. But I think part of the reason my art doesn't turn out well is because I see failing even 2% of the time as being "too much failure." I see anything less than 100% as "not good enough" so I get discouraged and stop trying. Which makes it impossible to learn and grow and also isn't a healthy way to look at art, because even the pros who do this for a living will have pieces that they tear up or don't post because they just... didn't turn out good. To be at a point in my artistic journey where I can even say I like more than half the pieces I did for this draw a thon? That's above average. That's what success looks like for most people.

I think it's the rejection sensitive dysphoria of ADHD. Because I spent so much of my early life either succeeding at everything right away (usually with help and preparation from adults like my mom) and academic "giftedness" I started seeing "success" or "good end products" as things I could reach with little effort. Especially because any time I DID run up against a roadblock or a challenge, I could usually fix it by powering through. Like, if I just did the thing a little harder, I could do it. Which is why whenever I did run up against real challenges, things that needed muscle memory, for example, like riding a bicycle or those Heelie shoes or those waveboards (My obsession with 2 wheeled modes of transportation era was fraught for real) I would have MELTDOWNS because I couldn't just get on a two wheeler bike and go without even learning or trying. Especially because if I saw peers who could do those things "right away" my assumption was always "They're just better than me, I just suck at this thing." and never "they had help learning that I didn't get" or even "different people have different learning curves for the same skills and comparing yourself is a futile exercise."

My assumption was never "that peer spent 3 hours a day for a week falling on their ass just to learn to ride their bike for 3 minutes and then those three minutes eventually became 3 hours and then indefinitely because they finally got the hang of it." My assumption was always "I suck. So if I can't get it in five minutes like they probably did, then I must not be any good and I should give up." Because 5 minutes of really intense effort used to be the magic ingredient to fix the roadblock for other tasks. So I never had reason to assume it wasn't the solution to EVERYTHING.

So I built up this mindset for myself that if I just press harder, I can fix it, and if that doesn't fix it, I can never fix it. And that's been a stumbling block for everything in my life, basically. I brute-forced my way to getting good at basically anything that I'm currently good at. And I'm having to unlearn that. Because growth isn't something you can brute force.

And growth is ALSO not something you can get without failure and risk. Because the other unhealthy mindset I built by brute-forcing my way to success was that I became unfamiliar with failure. Failure was a temporary state of self. My failures were always either easily written off as failure on someone else's part (It's not that I didn't do my homework correctly, it's that the teacher couldn't read it! That's her fault not mine! [incorrect buzzer noise from future me. There are some assignments that I still think this about but, like, no actually young me, a lot of those were actually a you problem and not a teacher problem {The ones that were teacher problems make me livid to this day, but that's another post entirely}]) or they were VERY temporary. "You got this problem incorrect." "Let me look at it again. Okay, I immediately see what I did wrong, I can fix it." "That's correct." "Easy. I just needed to work a little harder." While ADHD, being shuttled ahead through the gifted program, and with how the USAmerican education system treats failure not as a growth opportunity but as a moral failing are certainly contributing factors, I can say with certainty that a lot of the bad mindset surrounding this hurdle for me was also just my lack of drive to try things that were difficult. Why waste time on things that are difficult if there's already so much I can already do that's so easy!?

Then add the cherry on top of the culture we have around failure where it's shameful to ever admit you failed before unless you can turn it into this big inspirational story of how you "learned instantly from that one bad experience and never failed again!" Easy cocktail for an absolute clusterfuck of imposter syndrome, perfectionism, and control freak behavior on my part.

I am having to systematically reprogram my brain. Failure is a part of life. Just because you don't see other people sharing their failures, publicly, online, all the time, doesn't mean that it's not happening.

Watching Scott Christian Sava's content on Youtube has been doing a lot to help me rewire my brain. Failing is part of the process. And I need to learn to be comfortable with it.

And I think I'll have to keep relearning the lesson a few more times before I get it. Because every time I start to internalize it, I backslide and relapse and get back in that old brain-space of "that doesn't apply to me. Everything I do should be easy because that's how it's always been, and if it's not easy the first time, it's because I personally suck and not because I'm growing."

But, little by little, I'm getting better and better. I am catching up to what I used to be in 2011. And in some ways I am getting even better than I was. 10 years of art atrophy isn't great. But climbing back to the summits I've seen before and realizing that a 10 year backslide doesn't mean a 10 year climb is refreshing. I'm still not where I want to be. But I'm discovering more things I like about drawing, more things I want to contribute to my own style, more things I want to polish up on, more things I'm excited to learn.

I've started of thinking of hair as ribbons which is helping me construct more interesting hair in my art, for example. That's new. And fun. Hair is starting to be a less scary thing. I'm incorprorating more natural lip shapes but still leaning into the anime-esque simplifications and exaggerations of expression. I'm getting ever so slightly better at the shape of the palm of the hand. Fingers are still insane foreign objects to me, but I am learning.

I've developed much better line control. And learning to fail means learning that sometimes your lines won't be perfect. But I have also noticed that I'm able, more often than not, to make the strokes I want on the first try when I finalize a drawing.

I'm still messy with my sketches, which does need some work, but I'm getting better at picking the correct shapes out without agonizing over the line stage anymore.

I'm at the point where a lot of the art books I bought in my youth that were so far beyond my skills at the time are actually... full of manageable if not nearly useless advice for me now. I am growing. And while a part of me will always be dissatisfied that I'm growing so slowly, I am still happy that I'm growing.

Thanks again to everyone who participated! I loved seeing the art! I hope to get more DotNW fanfic up soon, too!

And finally, here's the links to the original posts with their original thoughts and captions.

Day 1: Brute Lualdi

Day 2: Assorted Gels

Day 3: Blast From the Past: Aqua and Polwigle sketches from 2011 and Polwigle doodles from July 3 2024

Day 4: Marta Lualdi

Day 5: Assorted Plant Monsters

Day 6: Rilena Malory

Days 7-9: More Plant Monsters

Days 10-12: Decus and Even More Plant Monsters

Days 13-15: Alice, Athos, Porthos, Aramis, and STILL MORE PLANT MONSTERS

Days 16-24: Aqua, Tenebrae, the last of the Plant Monsters, and some Beast monsters

Days 25-31: A couple attempts at Richter Abend, More Polwigles (specifically Pontus from Onshuu no Richter), Emil Castagnier, Aster Laker, Ratatosk, and some more beast monsters

[popgoesthesneaselreturns]

Gavin : The Third Equinox

The being that lay in control of the mansion was too strong for Camil to beat alone. Yet, there was still something she could do. Something only she could do, she could learn the stories of those whose lives were toyed with by the monster. The innocent people who were made to act as the vessels of the monster, along with those made to become its victims. She would learn the truth then save them.

Most of the ghosts of the mansion were hard to approach they raged at her, attacked her, forced her away, yet there was one within the garden that did not act in such a way. And that was a Phantrump. It danced around her a pure smile upon its face. It welcomed her into its domain which seemed to be the garden. Unlike the rest of the mansion the garden felt like one of the only places that felt safe.

"My name is Camil, do you have a name?"

"Yes! My name is…wait…what was it again? Um…mother might know, but she's upset right now. I can't make her happy…not until the garden is perfect. I have to make it look good for her or she won't smile. Do you think you can help me? I wouldn't mind that!"

Camil smiled and nodded, this spirit still held some semblance of purity within it despite all that happened. Camil worked in the garden along with the ghost pokemon. Though, work was a stretch the ghost didn't actually do that much other than mime acts is likely had done while it was alive. Camil took this chance to draw in the soil sigils and runes for purification. She prayed then in her prayer the symbols began to glow spreading out across the garden.

The Phantrump looked confused by the act but smiled at the bright light allowing it within himself without any trouble. And with that the story of Gavin the third Equinox became known to Camil.

Music

Gavin laughed the garden was his true home, no where else in the mansion did he feel truly happy. His joy was second to none, he had a mother who loved him with all her heart. He was going become the third Equinox someday! Though, Gavin was still having trouble finding an art he could master. He didn't like staying inside, it was so boring! So, often he would come into the gardens planting flowers and giving them all names. He had been bad with them to begin with, but as he tried more and more his green fingers manifested. He read many books on botony learning how to do the basics with his mother his talent became known. His skills made the garden a shining place of beauty deep within the cold and empty mansion. And within the garden bright memories were shared between mother and child.

"Mother mother! Look at this flower! It is so pretty isn't it? I picked it for you! I grew it, and I named it, and I made a ring out of it!"

"Oh, Gavin…you need not do that for me. I just want you to smile."

"But mother, seeing you smile is what makes me smile!"

"Heh, you are such a silly child. But, that's what I love about you my beloved child. Come, I have some stories to read you."

The years pass, but as those years pass the relation that was once so loving and kind became twisted. Equinox became more distant venturing into the garden less and less causing Gavin to wonder what he had done wrong. He came to the conclusion that the garden was no longer pretty enough for his mother's tastes. So he worked diligently day after day making the gardens great and taking care of it all by himself. His mother would then start staring from the balcony upon the second floor. The gaze was cold, it made Gavin feel strange. He had to try harder, he had to make his mother smile again!

"Gavin…it is so beautiful…you truly are gifted! The sight of all your tireless work from this spot raises my heart to new levels. I am so proud of you! The view of it from here is fantastic! Please, come up and share this wonderful sight with me! My beloved child…"

"Yes! You finally smiled again! I'm so happy! I'm coming mother! Just wait right there! I'm coming to you! I won't be long!"

It was in this moment the the fates of these two were sealed.

Music Change

Gavin upon his day of his thirteenth birthday finally found the mother he sought to find for so long. She turned around smiling at him like she had before she vanished, the two hugged but it was in that moment that the monster took over the mother. Her hands reached down towards Gavin's throat as she began to strangle him. Gavin became shocked by the act and instantly pushed his mother away from him. It hadn't been with much force, yet the monster also pushed at that same time causing the tragic outcome it desired.

"Mother...what are you doing...I...it hurts stop it...ahhh..."

"You need to learn child...your life was one so beautiful...so filled with endless beauty...but you can never attain true balance that way. You need ugly...you need to suffer...to see the darkness of the world...it must consume your light...it must break you...it must devour you...if you think mere flowers are enough...to fill my empty soul...then you are truly foolish..."

"Mother...please...stop...why...why are you...I made it..."

"Oh, don't think I don't love you...I do...it is because I love you...that I must do this...beauty only lasts so long my beloved child. Your time has come...as I knew it always would...I will paint you..ugly..."

"LET...ME...GO!"

The second Equinox Nancy fell to her death seemingly from Gavin's push falling into the garden that had been the source of everything that gave Gavin his joy. Yet, now in this one moment everything Gavin ever knew became tainted and broken within mere moments. His mother's blood spilled across the flowers he had laboured to give life. Her broken body akin to a doll thrown down the stairs. Gavin screamed out in anguish at the sight. No, that had been an accident! He hadn't meant to do it! It wasn't his fault! It wasn't! He had been looking for her! He had wanted to show her the garden!

"Mother! NO! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why did you do that?! I never meant to hurt you! I wanted to show you...I worked so hard...it was all for you...mother...why did this happen?! WHY? WHYYYYYYY?!!"

Tears fell from his eyes, his gaze never breaking away from his mother's body. She seemed to be staring back at him, accusing him with her empty mask of killing her. That was when the monster made its next move. The mask rose up from the mother's body before then shooting up to impact the face of Gavin. The world then went dark.

Camil hugged the ghost, the story of the third Equinox was now known to her. The tragic story of a boy who had wanted to make the mansion's garden the greatest in the world simply to make his mother smile. That pure wish had been destroyed by the monster. To turn such a place of devotion into a place of blood was beyond creul. The blue feathered Sneasel prayed to her gods to shine their light upon this poor soul. To grant him the peace he so deserved to have.

"No, it wasn't your fault! You never meant to hurt anyone! You deserved to be happy! This never should have happened to you! It never should have happened to either of you! Don't worry, I will save her, I will save you...you have my word as a moon priestess."

Camil began to sing, her kind presance washing over what was left of Gavin his childlike soul reached out longing for that mother's touch that had been taken from him so long ago. His soul was amoung the most innocent found within the mansion. Unlike the others his pain was rather simple to unpack and mend. But, that didn't mean his story wasn't any less tragic. He was someone who had longed to spread beauty to the world through botony if he had lived another life he could have gained that dream. Yet, he had been stolen and raised here. It made sense why he had been so easy to appeal to.

Gavin had been the first experiment by the monster in this cycle of pain and suffering. He was taken control of when he was still young likely because the monster's power wasn't as assured back then. Likely the mother had managed to push back the monster many a time. Yet, in that one moment she had been made to attack the one she loved most. In a spot where she was most vulnerable to a push. For how else could a child kill their mother? It had to be an accident.

An accident made to happen due to the monster's machinations.

The rage Camil felt towards the monster grew ever more. Yet, this was only one of the many victims of this place. If she desired to put an end to its curse she needed to save the other souls from their torment.

[zaharya]

Hi!

I've read your post on the science of ADHD and was wondering if you could help me? (Feel free to say no!)

I'm trying to find articles on that symptom where you're unable to do anything even when you want to. Tumblr seems to refer to it as Executive Dysfunction, but since that term is very broad I have been unable to find anything specifically on the above symptom. Do you have any tips? Do you have any idea whether it has a more defined "name"?

Again, don't feel any pressure to answer!

Kind regards,

Hello!

Well, I can try to help 😅

Ah, yes. I'm afraid that executive dysfunction is in fact the official scientific / medical term for this, and there isn't a more defined name for this – at least not an official medical or scientific one. But I see how that might be a bit frustrating when looking for resources to deal with a specific issue or situation.

Just to clarify, what kinds of "articles" are you looking for? Scientific articles, or popular media articles / lay literature?

What you could try to look for are specific presentations of ex. dys., specific ways in which it manifests; there are a number of lay terms that describe more specific aspects of it. For example some people talk about "decision paralysis", or "ADHD waiting mode" – obviously neither of those are official terms, but it may help you find more resources on them, especially in popular/non-scientific media.

If you're going for scientific literature itself (which I personally do recommend), consider looking for executive function instead. Executive function is a fundamental cognitive ability and plays a role in many many things, and thus has a lot of research to back it up. Try searching it in connection to ADHD, and that should lead you to some beginning at least.

Now, you say that you couldn't find anything for "that specific symptom" – a lot of the time, it is a matter of recognising how the same concept leads to different outcomes. So even if you don't find articles that describe your exact situation, the concept discussed in the article might still be helpful to understand your specific symptoms. Furthermore, while it is true that this "inability to do the thing" is often based in executive dysfunction, there are also motivational aspects that have to be considered in ADHD. By motivational aspects I do not mean that you do not want to do the thing, or that you are not trying enough to do the thing. Rather, the motivational circuits in ADHD brains are different from those in neurotypical brains, which can thus lead to some difficulties.

I am guessing part of what you are looking for are ways to deal with this kind of issue. In my experience, understanding it helps to work around most symptoms to a certain degree already, so I do thing that learning about the mechanisms of it is beneficial in any case. Still, there are hacks that help with ADHD paralysis – I'll list a few and how they might help. [All of these are based on urgency, novelty, or personal importance, which are generally the factors that determine how well ADHD vibes with a task or activity.]

The three second rule; sounds stupid, but try it out! If you're trying to start doing something that requires you to move (e.g. take a shower, make food, do the dishes – whatever) and you find yourself stuck on the couch/at your desk/in bed/on the floor, take a deep breath, count down from three, and when you reach 0 you have to move. It can be any movement, but since you're not giving your brain a lot of time to think, the easiest movement is usually to get up – which gets you started at the very least. Try to ride that momentum.

Pomodoros; time your tasks for mini-deadline pressure. Pick a thing to do, e.g. you want to draw because you like drawing, then set a timer to around 20-30 minutes (at least that's the norm, but hey you can also do 16 and a-half minutes!). Start the timer, and while it runs you focus only on the previously specified task. When it's done, take a break of 5-10 minutes (again, you do you), then the next timer starts. I use this a lot for studying and writing, because it creates little focus windows that are easier to handle.

Increase or decrease stimulation; music, fidgets, anything that vibes for you. Maybe the hurdle is that you're simply over- or understimulated – play around with your activity-environment to see if it makes a difference!

Body doubling; personal favourite, simply hang out with your friends! The presence of another being/person often helps to stay on task, and it can be energising (at least to extraverts like me)

External incentives or accountability; aka threats and bribes 😏 my favourite variant of this is a concept I introduced on several of my Discord servers – Drabbles for Dopamine, where people literally bribe each other with little drabbles so they do the thing. But this works with anything! Tell your friend that you want to be out of bed in 30 minutes and ask them to check in on you; the pressure of having someone else know often already is enough. If the "threat" of them checking is not enough, add a "bribe" to it, for example a picture of their pet – whatever is at hand and motivates you.

There is more of course, but those are the few that come to mind off the top of my head. Feel free to message me if you have questions about any of them.

Besides that, here are a few links that might be of interest:

Popular / non-scientific sources (sorted by how useful I think they'll be for you)

What is executive function and why do we need it? – How to ADHD (video)

ADHD and Motivation – How to ADHD (video)

Motivation | How to ADHD (YT playlist)

Executive Dysfunction & ADHD - when you can't 'do the thing' (article)

What is executive function? (ADDitude mag article)

Scientific articles / research (no particular order!)

Validity of the executive function theory of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: a meta-analytic review

Executive functions and adaptive functioning in young adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder

Are There Executive Dysfunction Subtypes Within ADHD?

Disturbance of the emotion and motivation in the adhd: a dopaminergic dysfunction

Executive dysfunction in attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: cognitive and neuroimaging findings

[zwoelffarben]

A question actually addressed to me (i think based on context: @iwillgotoheavenforyou correct me if I'm wrong), so I guess I now have to take the time to answer it because "It's the autism," is entirely too pithy an accurate response to be useful.

How do you know so much

The first caveat to say is that I don't actually know all that much: I'm fond of saying, "I pretend to know things," and that's not really true because I do know things, but I generally give off the vibe that I know more stuff to a more indepth mastery than I actually do. This is cause of three four things.

I'm a knowledge generalist: I don't know a lot about most subjects but I pick up a little bit about everything.

I'm autistic and for me that manifests in being very good at connecting dots to draw beautifyl patterns, even given a small number of data points.

I'm autistic and I'm very particular about how I phrase things, with nuance and depth, such to avoid being misunderstood.

I was taught how to do basic research, and I try to make a habit of doing it before speaking when unsure about something.

I typically only know enough about something to be dangerous; often I need to look things up to remember exact details but I also try to make a habit checking my position on the dunning-kruger graph before speaking by looking shit up: You will however semi-regularly find me called out for having misjudged where exactly on that curve I am enrealis; and one whoopsie-daisy of a conversation with some actual expert later I'll admit that to being wrong on the internet out-loud for the world to read. It's never a pleasant experience but I assure you, I'm always so very brave about it. That's how I maintain the illusion of knowing so much™.

Now as for how I actually go about knowing things, well the things I know a lot about were either special interests of mine or things I specifically learned about in school and college. I went to the liberal arts school ███████ where I learned a shit tonne of information and then my autistic brain started connecting dots and forming opinions about things I have no business having opinions about. I have never filed my taxes (on account of not making enough to be legally required to file taxes) and yet, I have opinions about W2 forms which I won't be sharing here because they're not relevant.

My actual areas of expertise are quite limited in scope to 400 creative writing, 250s math, (english) literature, 200s chemistry, biology, physics, psychology, economics, art theory, painting, computers and coding, 100s of many miscellanious disciplines, blorbo from shows, shows, minecraft, and my lived experiences as an left-handed autistic queer white dude whose shoelaces deep into tumblr. This is a normal amount of things to know stuff about.

I know just about as much as anyone else who is my age and has had my level of education, but my autism might make me marginally better at connecting threads across multiple disciplines to apply knowledges in synasthetic ways, but mostly I'm practiced in the art of appearing to know what I'm talking about (not because I want to seem smart but because as a baby autistic being labelled 'smart' made surviving K-12 easier for me.)

How do you have time to write in such details

I'm fortunate enough that my living situation is stable such that I don't need to hold down a job nor make a living and can spend most of my time shitposting, seriousposting, and playing minedcraft.

I do type faster than most people because I'm a left-handed person both because I type a lot and because I'm using a DAVORK-L instead of QWERTY. I actually can type fast enough to cause minor-major sprains in my right wrist. I don't tend to do that, but it's happened and will continue to happen in the future.

But mostly, I just start a post and type until it's finished. I enter a fugue state and exit it hours later +1 reblog. (This matches my general approach to creative pursuits like writing and painting.)

How do you remember all of this

Most of the time I don't. There are two relevant modes of memory (there are a bunch of others) recall and recognition: I'm good at exactly one of those things; and well, my brain is not a well-ordered library of facts that I can look things up in.

It is a mireous bayou that swallows knowledge to rest beneath its murky waters; and if I'm looking for a specific factoid I need to navigate through the generally unmarked trees until I find a vaguely familar spot or happen upon the information randomly.

The thing you don't see is all the memory aids I have when posting about topics I'm less sure about. I have a folder on my computer called knowledge I put inforgraphics in. I have a folder in my browser book marks (sorely in need of organization) called use where I keep my citable links to stuff. When I need to know a specific fact and I can't find it in the bayou of my mind, I open 2-6 tabs on wikipedia to search for it, some of which I link in the post, and some of which I don't because I'm lazy or I actually did.

I don't remember all of it all of the time: I've recently started systematizing the tools and strategies I developed over the years to help me find my way back to specific information so that theyr better at helping me navigate the murky waters of my mindswamp, but most of the time anything I techincally know is completely forgotten about until it's needed again and dredged from the muck.

[smoothpowerforthestreets]

Hi! I need an advice. I successfully manifested new friends and connections after long time of being lonely and specific people not noticing me. It’s great but I feel like I am still that lonely pathetic spiteful person that I was before. They treat me right, yet I don’t match the energy, and always feel like this won’t last long, that they’ll abandon me or just pity me.

Any ideas on how to start living accordingly to my new happy reality? Why do I not fully believe it happened?

Hello! Thank you for asking I really appreciate the trust.

From what I've read it seems that you are struggling a little bit with self concept and feeling gratitude. I don't mean that you are not grateful, I mean feeling that gratitude internalizing that emotion.

I could be wrong, but I percieve that you thought the self concept you had about yourself would change with those new people in your life. Now you are kind of surprised that didn't change and you must be a little frustated.

I'm going to give you some recommendations to change that self concept in order to calm those thoughts you've told me and internalizing gratitude.

First of all, what you have is what you deserve. There is a phrase that I repeat to myself when I'm scared of losing my special person: If I exist, he exists. Try to apply that to your situation, if you exist they exist.

Be grateful for who you are right now, you are no longer that person in the past because you are the better version, that's why you have what you wanted.

Think about your past self as another person outside of you who is dying because is not recieving attention, your past self is scared of change because that means there won't be space for them in your present. That's why your thoughts are making it hard to enjoy at 100% your present, because it's fighting hard to remain alive.

But are you that person? Not anymore.

I suggest to write a letter to that past self thanking them for the lessons but explain to them that you have to let them go. Tell them that there is no need to be scared of recieving good things, there is no need to fight anymore, that they can lay down and finally rest in peace because you achieved what you wanted.

Your worth comes within you, I don't know what happened in the past but practice forgiveness. Especially for yourself, forgive yourself. This is the first time you are living this life and you are learning from every mistake you make, everyday that passes by is another day of evolving to be a better person. And that doesn't mean that you weren't before, as I said, you are constantly learning. Making mistakes doesn't mean that you don't deserve good things. YOU. DESERVE. WHATEVER. YOU. WANT.

Practice gratitude whenever you are having a good laugh with them or just having a good time. Take some seconds to feel the good vibration you have at that moment and in that moment you'll feel the gratitude.

Do meditations about gratitude. It doesn't have to be long or laying down. Just do whatever you usually do to enter in a peaceful state of mind (could be listening to music, drawing, cleaning, whatever makes you feel calm). Take some minutes to look at what you have, repeat to yourself: wow I've achieved that, what I wanted I got it because I am that powerful. There's no need to be scared of losing it.

Be aware that those thoughts are temporary, it's pretty normal to feel a little bit scared of losing what you attracted. But it doesn't mean that you are going to lose them, when you are having those thoughts don't try to stop them. Just let them flow and once you have calmed down count to 5 and repeat to yourself as many times as necessary that those thoughts aren't your reality. I use this method that is a Harry Potter reference, I call it the Riddikulus spell. I know it sounds childish but it works for me lol. The Riddikulus consists on seeing those thoughts as some kind of goblins that are trying to get you furious. So if a small green goblin is bothering you what are you going to do? Slap it of course, you are x10 bigger and stronger lol. And if you think about it is kinda funny.

I know is a strange method, but I hope you have understood what I meant. 😅😅😅

I hope it has been helpful to you and if you need anything else don't hesitate to contact me. Suggestions are welcomed.

Best and kind regards!

[turquoisepearl]

Hello girl! How can we manifest new friendships group? I’m struggling to pick affirmations and I give up so quickly all the time. It’s so hard to affirm for something you don’t have..I’m so lonely it’s super hard to try to pretend to have them and when I do visualise I don’t see anyones faces too. I know the universe works in mysterious ways but I don’t have a social life to meet them is it still possible 😅

Hope you are doing well 🤍

Hi babe!!!

Of course it's possible 😌 everything is possible, only you set the boundaries!

I'm going to be honest: I used to be extremely lonely as well. I had friends but they weren't good friends by any means and after a lot of soul-searching I realised I had been identifying with a story that I was disposable and lonely. I still struggle with that story sometimes but now I have a lot of friends and people who genuinely appreciate my company :)

I'll take you through a short recap of stuff I did over the years to improve my self concept! Both techniques and non-LOA stuff! I'm starting with the general non-lawofassumption stuff 🤍

Learn to enjoy your own company! Think about it: If everyone is you pushed out, then how can people enjoy your company if not even you can? Do things you enjoy to do, get to know yourself, take yourself out on cute little dates (like going shopping or hiking). Even for your daily life: play music when you clean, have fun cooking, read books at night and find ways to enjoy waking up! Enjoy being yourself. It seems counterintuitive but this is such a gamechanger.

This is connected to the first point but building your confidence will not only draw other confident people in but will also make everyone else see you the way you see yourself. Start with your self concept: change the way you speak to yourself (rather than "oh I'm so fat" you simply say "I want to lose weight". Make it neutral), be kind and gentle with yourself and your emotions, get comfortable exploring your emotion (online CBT exercises and books helped me with this but you can journal for example). Don't seek external validation, the only validation you need is your own. Realise that YOU and ONLY YOU can decide who you are. I was abused my entire life and didn't get the chance to develop a self identity so I know how hard it can be but I truly mean it when I say that ONLY YOU has that power. No one else can come up to you and tell you who to be or identify as unless you give them that power (and I still struggle with this).

I got over my shyness and became more outgoing after I did all the above and this one thing: just put myself out there! How many times do you judge people when you go outside? And once you stop judging yourself, so do others. I literally had a guy (kind of my current sp 🙈) tell me he had never met anyone that had anything bad to say about me: because I don't do the same to myself. I pushed myself to meet new people and that made me realise that people are never as harsh as your inner critic is.

I would say the things I mentioned above are the most important things to do to really embody the state of someone who is confident, has lots of friends and is extremely magnetic to people!

Now for the law of assumption techniques:

This is a little bit embarassing LOL but when I do my makeup in the morning, I sometimes "hear" people talking about me in my head. Like I do auditory visualisations of people saying "oh my god, she's one of the most beautiful people I've ever seen" or "she looks like an angel". This takes the awkwardness out of affirming for me since I too don't always feel it when I say "I am beautiful" or "I have friends". In your case you can just switch it up to something like hearing a person say "she's so genuine, I love spending time with her!". Overhearing it in your mind as if it's a memory makes it feel more real and helps you embody that state.

I have one affirmation that has worked great for me and its because it's something I truly do feel like is true. I say "I am a joy to be around" and envision people smiling around me, laughing at my jokes and enjoying being around me. The most important is that I really FEEL it. My current sp literally told me "I enjoy your company" and "I'm so grateful for you hanging out with me".

I sometimes struggle with visualising but I have had success with visualising hanging out with certain people (I guess non-romantic SPs). Like grabbing a beer or laughing with them. When visualising this I don't try to feel like what I'm visualising is actually happening irl, that has almost never worked for me. I just try feeling grateful for that person and their company.

When I was into crystals and new age stuff, I would do a morning meditation of me cleansing my energy and visualising an aura of love and joy around me. Like a golden bubble I carried around the whole day. I always had people compliment my energy and personality. This is just another way to get into that state!

I hope it helps! 🫶🏽❤️

[blindedguilt]

|[ Leonard and Caim. Because reasons. ]|

YOU ALREADY KNOW MY ANSWER TO THIS, BRI.

Alright so to note before anything I had a literal essay typed out and ready to go at about,,, 1???? AM???? The night this was sent

but then I forgot mobile Tumblr hates me right now so I hit post and lost it forever 😔

Then I wrote this but fell asleep in the process at about 4AM and woke up the following morning, and after days of working on NOTHING else on Tumblr but this, finished it after a lot of on and off work (I was still resentful and petty about losing my first one), and am praying the gods won't get in the way of my thoughts on this because good LORD

I've tried to include everything my original post did (albeit a lot less messy) but....

So to start, whoever came up with the idea that a ship is "good" based off of how pleasantly compatible and not toxic/problematic the people involved are is a fucking liar

I don't talk a LOT about shipping given the nature of this blog and that the topic doesn't come up very much??? At least on Tumblr lmao

But what some people might not know is that while I'm someone who believes that literally everything and everyone is inherently,,, "pairable" (It feels better to say than shippable), no matter how little they've interacted or how unconventional/potentially problematic may be, I am also VERY picky about shipping to where there's only been a handful I've ever really been invested in (2 OC pairings, 2 pairings involving canon characters) and the rest I usually bump off either for taking up feed space and not really caring or not being slightly moved at because my brain is picking at it too much.

Whether I like a ship or not ultimately comes down to two things:

1. Is the dynamic THERE? or are the two characters just trope fodder

When it comes to the happy couple, power couple, sunshine/grumpy, etc. etc. I DO enjoy these tropes, but more often than not they end up being boring for that being next to everything about the characters themselves. I'm always eager to know stuff like what drew them to each other and continues to draw them to each other, what caused/how their previously established dynamic was able to evolve to where it is now, what fuels their particular dynamic, and ofc their own established characters outside of it. I don't often indulge in romance-type things outside of those campy us romcoms from the 00's but I've seen a few very forgettable couples in media (I won't blame Disney for being targeted more towards children, but you'd expect more out of couples like Cent and Two ESPECIALLY for that's more or less just "They're in love!" And I'm just,,,, yeah. that's been established 😭

2. The actual portrayal of the ship. My autism brain is VERY stringent about this, literally you could have everything what was just discussed and if it doesn't stack up in a way that really makes sense, it will stick in my mind like an itch I can't reach and I likely won't shut up about it for the next month.

I dunno how to explain it, when you have a certain pair/set of characters (Who are made of differentiating backgrounds, circumstances, etc. which may affect them in different ways), and they gradually get to understand/learn more about each other as time passes and in turn grow some semblance of a bond/care as humans do to the point it could be deemed a romantic(?)/intense enough "bond" that could manifest itself in any which way depending on what's been established in those characters backgrounds, how they already and HAVE interacted with each other, their current circumstances, etc. etc.

Sometimes, especially in a darker piece of media like Drakengard, the way they manifest as a "ship" or "pair" isn't always a conventional or even healthy so much as it is a result/consequence of those raised emotions and their bond. When I see something that should stack up to be toxic or potentially even twisted and problematic be written as something undeservingly sweet and "cute" it gets under my skin like nothing else. Like differentiating Nabokov's Lolita, which is an absolutely GUT-WRENCHING book about CSA and the effect it has on the victim later on in life, and lolisho circles, which are.... Yeah. It's also why the all too popular good girl/bad boy trope gets under my skin for how often it's just putting up with a guy's shitty behaviour and then him magically changing at the end to "justify" it and ughhhhhh you know the spiel

ANYWAYS, WITH ALL THAT ESTABLISHED. THEM.

I think what really strikes me most about Leonard and Caim's whole relationship without even considering shipping is just how much there is to compare/contrast, like...

As far as differences go, they're nearly polar opposites in just about fucking everything, resulting in the all too well-known clash in personality we like to write lmao. There's a lot to be said in these two different aspects of their characters, like the spontaneity/suppression, deflection/guilt, revenge/recompense, fighting to live/fighting to die, sadism/masochism, reckless bravery/reckless cowardice, and it's goes into their backgrounds as well, with Caim's upbringing in royalty and Leonard's likely in peasantry/coming from the general lowerclass before even his life as a hermit, and even in design (the blond/brunet contrast is a VERY popular design choice in a lot of fiction, usually with the blond being established as the "good conscience"/more naive/comic relief/etc. of the two and brunet, ironically, usually being an established lead or main character with more of an idea/maturity/so on in contrast.)

And while it's easy enough to just say opposites attract and use that as argument enough, what I think really would pull them together as far as shipping is concerned is much more in what they share in common (what little they fullheartedly understand of each other) in contrast

The biggest points I think are definitely sharing the role of older brother, which Caim (at least, I think, you'll have to tell me) kinda carries more subconsciously and/or at the back of his mind while consciously going "Older brother? Oh yeah... That thing. That's the thing I am" and Leonard eventually carries both consciously and subconsciously down to his very mannerisms (And of course, mainly in my Leonard's case where these smaller scenes are more relevant), often adopts that role of caretaker to just about anyone and anything whether he knows it or not — Seere, Arioch, Caim, etc...)

What REALLY interests me between them is their shared background, though. The thing Caim and Leonard both (possibly?) really know or at least have a hunch about is that both of their family was lost to the Empire. And THIS, whether it's actual knowledge or just a hunch, I think is not just the general basis for the two of their characters, but is largely the stem for the friction between the two.

To explain, it's mostly their role/perceived role in the tragedies of Caim's parents/Leonard's brother's that makes for their character schism — The difference between action, in Leonard's case where he's thinking "If only I hadn't done that" and inaction, in what I'm guessing is Caim's case, where he (may) be thinking "If only I had done something". Whether either would have actually changed anything aside, I think that whole action/inaction perception being what led to their families' deaths in this occasion is largely what leads into the people they are by the time they meet, of course, but also like

It's the reason they're so tense with each other in the sense that, at either's core, they see in the other exactly what led to their losing everything to begin with. And being near that is terrifying for them, whether it's Leonard's apparent indifference towards life or the prospect of wanting to live digging up that sense of "There's a threat and I need to do something about it" or possibly some insecurity about the lengths he takes that "Fight" between the fight or flight response for him, or if it's Caim's apparent insensitivity that brings up a sort of reminder not only of what he did as far as involvement in his brothers deaths, but a terrifying glimpse at the callousness and harm he could cause by just... Not caring for anything but himself.

So naturally, seeing a far much worse version both of what they could be and in a way, what they were stemmed from just about the same circumstances nonetheless is a major contributor to their issue with one another. A giant case of seeing their own insecurity/fears reflected in the actions the other's taking specifically to avoid their own past "fault" and going "How can you be as foolish as I was at what was more or less the only point of similarity in our lives?"

So this is where it gets into actual shipping talks, and MAN

im so sorry it took so long lmao

But explaining it in the case of shipping, on top of the growing fondness for people who are placed in these kinds of survival and/or traumatic situations being a thing that humans tend to do, like... It's what I just explained as that mutual fear/agitation with each other is even somewhat based in a vague fondness (perhaps not as personal) in not wanting to see their tragedy reappear again.

I typically believe that when developing attractions beyond anything platonic, the more you see of people and their humanity beforehand, especially in stressful and/or potentially lightening situations, the quicker you end up getting closer to each other (or at least, from one side you might) ESPECIALLY when you can play a part in helping and aiding another's life yourself for both ends. I kinda mentioned it earlier ofc to but I also think that ESPECIALLY when it comes to fictional ships, the way those feelings grow is (or maybe, should) be like growth of their pre-existing feelings of what's been established already — Growing more intense and/or obsessive with perception of a person of interest, and changing with understanding — that is, assuming they want to change/understand.

A looooong long time ago you mentioned the idea of Caim's growing violence towards Leonard the more he realises he might care (gods forbid), and honestly, that's exactly it — it comes together PERFECTLY for all the points mentioned earlier. There's not much I can say given it's mostly been throwing darts at a board for ideas and seeing what's just "neat" and what looks like the headlights of the train that may or may not be approaching to run us over but the other thing I can really pick at is the "unrequited" aspect which is where things get messy but veeeeeery interesting

I mostly see this on Leonard's part, given he has not only a few ✨pre-existing conditions✨ (to put it mildly) and what he feels for Caim I think may be a platonic/familial fondness at best, or downright terror and resentment at worst. It was briefly mentioned a while ago, once again, the idea that Caim, who generally grazes as he pleases and is ever the conniving little lad, may try and approach him out of convenience (I imagine both as a quick and easy way to dodge anything serious while also, of course, getting that a vague sense of satisfaction/fulfilment from it?) And generally depending on exactly how this is done, Leonard's full-hearted involvement is spotty at best

The chance of him actually returning or even understanding that he's an increasingly obsessed-over object of "affections" (however you may like to call them) is very low compared to him just,,, going along with it as most shit that happens, either citing the whole "fix him" bit himself and taking anything that happens afterwards as "punishment" fodder into his ever-evolving guilt complex. Where it could go from there is generally a mystery, but there's one thing I'll say: I don't think the general thing will be pleasant lmao and im not saying that negatively, mind, just the opposite

SO.

Would it be unrequited? Most likely.

Would it be toxic? Definitely.

Would it look a little like this cursed-ass video I stumbled across on YouTube that hasn't left my mind for three days? We'll have to see.

But most importantly — It's INTERESTING, the dynamics are there and always have been, and it goes without saying I don't have to worry about your portrayal skills in the least. 20/10.

I am begging for a Caionard sweep this summer please you don't understand 😭

[watchingblsnowandforever]

Hello.

Listen, I'm still not over ep 11 yet. AND THEN THEY GIVE ME THIS I- *muffled screaming*

Anyways, welcome to my crack posts. =D

Warning: long post 😊😅 (I somehow took even more screenshots than last time 😭)

I knew something like this would happen hehe

Also-

Don't lie, Peem, he'd already won your heart the moment he said "Na, krab" with those puppy eyes

I love how despite thinking they're enemies up till this point, Tan immediately jumps on the ship the moment he learns it exists.

Fang: cute. <3

Q: cutee. <33

Shy babygirl Peem has my whole heart 🥺🫶🏼

Yeah? Anyone specific you want to draw a portrait of, Peem? Someone from Engineering, maybe? Someone who confessed to you in front of all your combined friends just last night? No? 👀

This smile. This goddamn smile. I get you, Peem, I totally get you.

Q peeking in small into the bag is so accurate 😭

As I'd said in my previous post: "Right in front of my salad?!" and "Something very LGBT just happened to me o.o"

NOSE BOOP

I love nose boops hehe

[Phum: I have to go to class.]

You actually go to class?! *pikachu meme face*

Q's face perfectly expresses my feeling, and I'm definitely saving these as meme pics

Peem's plan to be hit on backfired so fast so hard 😭

Poor boy went into shock 😭

Peem is never hearing the end of this from Q. Never.

I love their friendship though. Besties forever. <3

Toey looks so excited here 😭🫶🏼

He's definitely over the moon that his two beloved hias finally realized they like each other (and of course he manifested this wdyem)

Throwing stones from inside a glass house, huh Q?

You're just as bad as, if not worse than Peem.

*shaking my head fondly* these boys are so whipped for their baes

This ep gave me a lot of meme pic ehehe

Why so surprised, Peem? You were the one telling Phum to flirt on you, why so shy now huh?

Oh, Aunt Pui knows. She's just trying to help her nephew get a nice boyfriend hehe

Also- learning the family business early on? Nice move, Phum.

I'm pretty sure Aunt Pui will accept Phum as family the very instant they start dating.

Actually- she probably already has.

What will you be tying next? The knot?? (I am so so happy I can make that joke and actually mean it now.)

Oh, and I love love love their dynamics. I'm always looking for verse because I don't like active power dynamics, but this show really delivered on it. There's always a push and pull, but throughout, they're equals. Yes, even through that slave era (remember how exactly Peem came to be his slave?). It did start off with a slight imbalance, but it evened out pretty fast (because Phum is incapable of not being the cutest clingy little puppy for more than ten minutes and Peem is weak for it).

PhumPeem/PeemPhum is giving me so much that I'd thought I'd almost never get from BLs (there are a few other examples, I think, but this is probably my topmost).

I don't know if y'all have noticed, but Phum is deliberately soft and is often using polite pronouns for the last two episodes.

It's just... they're so pretty 😭

This scene is just >>>

He-

HE LEARNED LATTE ART JUST TO USE THIS LINE WITH PEEM I'M DYING OH GODS

Phum is 200% committed. Other upcoming BL romantic interests, please take notes.

Jokes aside, what started out as a potential red flag (even two years ago, this relationship would have been very very different) turned into the greenest flag (with a side of childhood trauma).

Did he just-

He almost confessed!!! So close!!

Also- please give me them as boyfriends already, I'm on my hands and knees. But can you imagine what they'll be like when they actually start dating...?

...

I CAN'T WAIT. GIMME NOW. *grabby hands*

This scene made me speechless. Ep 12 was full of beautiful, absolutely stunning scenes, but this was what took my breath - his cute smile that lights up his whole face, his "Pai, krab" and the sheer relief when Peem asks him if he wants to go.

For a moment there, he thought Peem would leave, just like all the people in his life. He knows it wouldn't be permanent, but it's hard to get rid of such an old, deep-rooted fear.

But Peem, unknowingly, immediately waves it away by asking him if he wanted to come with. The only thing is... I don't think it was that unknowing.

I'll end part 1 on this note. Part 2 will be posted soon!

If you've reached this far, thank you so much for reading! 😊

Here, have a doughnut 🍩

And here are my previous We Are posts.

[mizuthe-cat]

you have no idea what you've done.

REAL FAST TW FOR PEOPLE!! S/H, COVID, ISOLATION AND PROBABLY OTHER THINGS WILL BE MENTIONED IN MY STUPID RANT!!

also i wrote this in my notes app before putting it here lmao

okay!! so!! :3 pretend its back in 2020. the covid pandemic has hit just about everywhere. you're stuck in your house for god knows how long. you try and stay productive by drawing, exercising, whatever.thats what this guy Ouriel has been doing. but, with the isolation of the pandemic, this.. what i wanna say second, more dark personality boils up. this bastards name is Room. think of Room as all your negative emotions, thoughts, stresses, motivations (or lack thereof), and motives all put in another personality. whom of which is depicted as a figure standing in your basement.

yeah Ouriel is a bit fucked up (but we love him <3)

so. with this. TANGENT TOWN KINDA I'M GOING OF MEMORY HERE!!

all of that was in the first video episode thing. second video, we're introduced to Dogtooth (my beloved). he has a wolf head and knife teeth (and uses ASL). so he's confronted with Quilled God. idk what Quilled represents,, but it isn't a positive representation. i think that maybe Quilled represents abusive friends or smth? idk.Dogtooth fucking kills that guy!! and then he feels bad :[

okay. shit happens. fuck (bad memory moment). so. Ouriel tries to go out (this is after Dogtooth [DT] killing Quilled) to a party. as Room consumes his thoughts, he realizes that the other people their dont know about his stress and forming depression. and, due to this, he has a mental break down.next video, i assume we see Quilled in the after life. its confronted with the angle. i dont remember much of what happened (what was spoken about) in that interaction, but the angle is important!!

we then meet the manifestion of the question "when is a house a complex?" this character is named Complex (haha get it). in their first appearance, they really point out that, if one hasnt experienced love in such a while, one will become indifferent to it, even if they long for it. that is what Ouriel and Room truly, really need.so, we then learn some deep shit. Ouriel has become so consumed by Room, they aren't productive. i say that specifically because thats what was keeping Ouriel in a good mental spot!! he becomes completely consumed by Room, and (from this point forward for a bit) is now Room singularly.

Room basically spirals. which. isnt good xP

he becomes trapped in the basement, which had been reduced to a room + chair.

okay back to DT and Quilled!! ^_^

DT carries Quilled's body to where the Complex is whar I am assuming radiating negative vibes because Room is so far down this rabbit hole of self loathing and fear. its sad. (he even says, "in my eyes you see fear" but in the captions and video the word "fear" replaced by the word "love")DT is almost killed by Complex. :[ he lives though, dw!!while that's happening, the angle comes to speak with Room and tells him to cry out. cry out and someone will hear and he will live yet again, stress and depression free (of at least reduced)

-> okay I'm gonna pause here cuz i needa eat :3

whoag this is interesting

[wanderinguncertainty]

Trauma

How do you overcome your trauma?

I've been trying to figure out how to overcome my trauma for the longest time but it seems that all my efforts are in vain. I'm still the same. I still don't make progress to overcome these traumas. I'm still manifesting all my traumas by how I respond to every situation. It's so obvious, and what I hate the most is that, I am fully aware of my traumas but why? Why can't I heal myself?

Everything rooted since my father left us. I developed fear of abandonment, that's the main reason why I always tend to push people away or tend to put boundaries when I'm becoming close to someone. I don't like the feeling of abandoned and to avoid it, I always make the first move to abandon them or draw a line between us. I always push away the people who loves me or wants to love me. I don't like emotional attachments yet I want to be with them. I want them in my life. I want to smile with them, laugh with them, hangout with them and the list goes on and on.

I always say that I am a strong and independent woman but the truth is, I also want to feel vulnerable. I want to depend on my family, my friends, my loved ones.. but it's so hard for me to depend on them. Not because they aren't dependable, but I always feel like I'm a burden when I depend on them. I feel like I'm bothering them big time. Growing up as well, I have no one to rely on. Since my mom is busy working for us to live, I only depend on myself. If I have problems, I'll solve them on my own. I figure everything out on my own. I keep everything to myself. And that's how I became hyper-independent. I want to let go being independent but it's so hard for me to let go. I can't swallow yet the thought of me being a burdensome.

I have trust issues, especially with men. I guess, this trauma came into existence when people I love promised me of something yet broke their promise. Just like what my father did. He promised me of having a complete and happy family yet here we are.. I'm tired of people giving me false hopes. Promising me that they are there for me in times of hardship yet can't find them when I fall into pit of darkness. Promising me that they'll never leave me alone, that I won't be alone yet I always find myself being alone. I mean, I get it. I'm not their obligation but stop. Just stop making me feel like you're there when in fact you're not. This is also the main reason why I prefer being alone, why I prefer to keep everything to myself, why I cannot open up to people. I'm afraid that they might use my weakness, my scars and bruises against me. Somehow, this issue is related to my hyper-independence. I only trust 2 men in my life, my brother and my best friend. For my best friend, it took me a lot of courage to bring my walls down but I'm glad it's worth it. I'm still trying to learn to trust people, but I guess it will take time. Though there are people whom I trust, but yeah, I'm still learning.

I tend to bottle up my feelings. I always feel I am too much for someone and I'm afraid that if I pour out my feelings and thoughts to them, I might not stop. I'm afraid to drown them with these overflowing complex feelings. So instead of telling how I feel, what upsets me, why I'm sad and all complicated emotions, I bottle them up and tell everyone that it's okay, I'm okay and they have nothing to worry. I guess this trait is also related on me being hyper-independent since I'm used to being alone and having no one to listen. But sometimes, I just wanna vent out all my feelings. I'm tired of carrying all these extra baggage. I wanna unpacked them, let them out. I'm doing it somehow by expressing myself to this blog. I wish I could express myself more and I hope I can express myself to people as well.

I really wish and hope I can heal myself. I hope I can overcome these traumas. I still have a lot but I'm gonna stop here for now. I wish I can open myself more to everyone.

I guess my inner child is disappointed and still despondent. I'm sorry, my inner child. Instead of helping you to heal, I keep on scolding and hurting you.

To myself, my inner child and the ones that I love, please be patient with me. I'm trying.

[tuliptic]

🌼Feedback for the exchange reading -

I do think that balance is extremely important in the relationship. And i think you are right about the timing because I am so fucking tired. I had a few tears in my eyes when you mentioned the consent thing because I am always forced into things and it's so harsh to face all of it. But I'm trying. I'm scared of going back to the place where I moved to because I don't feel safe.

I haven't started with the healing process yet because the wound is too fresh and i simply don't know anymore. Oh yes, moving away from parents thing - accurate like i mentioned above. And i have Pluto in the 8H in my western natal chart. And i have Libra in the 7H in Vedic chart. mochi how are you so accurate.

🌼Feedback on SR chart reading -

~its true that i am working more on my internal self. I love earthly colors and I've started to draw more towards them, can't believe you actually mentioned that. And yes i am gonna work my emotions and spirituality side by side. Manifesting my reality and working w home thing also makes sense.

Ooh baking, i never actually got into it much but that looks interesting. That's true, changes in serving people and changing routines. I think this reading is majorly true because i can see it happening, and i trust your predictions. Thank you for both the readings. I am very grateful to you. <3

Thank you for accepting my request for exchange readings. I was glad that you agreed to it cuz you're one of my faves here on this platform. Thank you for leaving a feedback and I noticed how I can improve by writing them down. There's still a lot more for me to learn and thank you for giving me this chance as well.

Also have a hug. Trauma and wounds are difficult to tend to so it's alright to take a break for now. Sending you love

[adviceformefromme]

I’m currently on a weight loss transformation journey and I’m struggling with trying to not see myself as the ugly fat friend. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt invisible. Do you have any tips on how to stop neglecting myself🥺

Steps for weight loss / body confidence level up: 1. Be prepared to put in the work, you have to really commit to yourself, to growing you, to pushing yourself to do one thing to move you forward every single day. Once you get into momentum, you will be on a role. 2. Mirror work, start looking in the mirror and learning to accept and love what you see, going from ‘I'm worthless' to ‘I love me, I'm amazing' might be too much of a big jump so spending time when you get out the shower repeating ‘i am learning to love the body i am in’ chant this to yourself. 3. Instead of focusing on all the weight you want to loose, break it down. Can you loose x amount in one week? Can I not eat x food for one day/ one week? Focus on small achievable goals and over time you'll succeed. Progress is defined by what you do each day. When you do any exercise/ movements, start whispering to yourself words of motivation. As your body moves, and you repeat / chant words of empowerment, they infiltrate your energy and subconscious mind. Words such as ‘i am enough, i am worthy’, as simple as they are, they have the power to heal your life. if you stuck with these two words, and literally repeated them as you move your body for even 5 mins you would start to mentally feel different. 4. Prayer, this is a big one - whoever you believe in God / Universe / Allah, ask for help in shifting these beliefs, pray for release of this negativity. The answers, the help will come, and it will show up in different ways, it might be through a new friend that inspires you, or a book that appears when you go to the story, a film you watch that changes your perspective. more on that.. 5. I recommend watching 'I am pretty’ with Rebel Wilson, she mentally shifts out of thinking she is fat and ugly to thinking she is the hottest thing on earth, and see how the universe responds to her. It's not about how you look it's about how you feel. 6. Remove all toxic / low vibe energy from your life, this could look like friends you don’t feel confident around, family members, social media accounts, literally remove everything that's not empowering you. Create space, distance yourself. Your level up will require time and effort, do you really want to waste precious energy hanging out with women who don’t elevate you? This is also about self respect. Stepping into the empowered woman that you are. Respect your time, your energy. Let go of anything and anyone that doesn’t mirror the life you want to live. 7. Create a vision. Write down the emotions you want to feel as the new you, how do you feel when you look in the mirror? When you walk down the street? When you are with your man? When you are with your friends? Get crystal clear on this vision. Focus on feeling these emotions in the now. Youtube guided visualisation meditations, learn about scripting as a tool to manifest, writing out your dreams. 8. Create time each morning for your level up. This doesn't have to be a task, this should be something special for you. Where you light your favourite candle, pull out your journal, write words of love to yourself, write your dreams, focus on your future vision, do a little mediation, sip your favourite hot drink, slowly. If you can’t do this each morning, maybe try a Sunday, at least once a week. Read books on people who have paved the path for you, women who have overcome weight-loss, body image struggles. Learn from these people and use them to inspire you. 9. Start watching empowering videos on youtube, find a mentor, Someone in real life or on social (this can be someone who's teachings resonate with you and you learn from them). 10. Literally draw a cup, with pen and paper and write all the things that fill you with joy. Focus your energy on these things in the cup. Your cup of love is your guidance. it can be anything, long baths, swimming, watching films on x topic, whatever you love, write it in your cup and start pouring your energy into those things. 11. Get familiar with the broken record that's replaying the same sentences in your mind over and over again ‘i'm worthless, i'm stupid, i'm unwanted, i'm fat, etc etc’ this is just an untrained mind running wild. You need to take back control. You need to see these thoughts for what they are, just thoughts. They are not the truth. Once you’re aware of your stories, the broken record, you’ll know when it starts playing without falling into the trap of the stories. 12. Mediation. I can’t preach enough about how much this will change your life, even 5 mins per day using an app or guided or just in silence. Meditation stills your mind with practise. And with the stillness, space is created. With this space you can start to notice throughout the day when old stories come up, it gives you the choice to choose better thoughts because your mind is no longer on auto pilot. 13. Find healers, reiki healers, inner child healers, therapists, eft (emotional freedom tapping). Attend sound baths, go to meditation centres. Completely drown yourself in self growth and level up. 14. Spend time in nature. Get out of your phone. Nature is going to help you reconnect to your true essence, nature is wild, it’s beautiful, its delicate, rugged, powerful, gentle. Mother nature is our healer on earth. Spending time on long walks, hikes, at the beach, even in the park with the phone in the pocket just looking up at the sky.