#but i also know autistic people are less likely to get hired based on an interview

[larnax]

tentative ochette rework with unfucked formatting

so ochette is a little different than throné in that her problem is fundamental and so basically everything but the bones of her story is Bad, for one simple reason: the implementation of the beastlings sucks ass

now that being said i am not going to sit here and explain why the beastlings are handled very poorly bc 1) ive already done that and 2) it's actually a really easy fix. just make beastling a trait you gain becoming a hunter and the rest of toto'haha are just normal fantasy pacific islanders. they did this with tropu'hapu and it was fine so they clearly can make a normal fantasy pacific islander region if they want to, so just. do that. and then because beastlings are just humans who've become hunters, treat them like humans. they speak the language they're already all native speakers of fluently and they are just people do not be weird.

but you may ask, how would becoming a hunter give you cat ears? and the answer is very simple, deus ex subjob menu. in ot1 the subclasses are literally blessings from the gods, so you can just imply that a similar thing is happening here where draefendi blesses you with the power of kemonomimi once you join her hunt. or a wizard did it who care. beastlings 100% exist primarily so the hunter class can make your characters catboys bc thats awesome so its better for everything if we're just honest with that

how does this fix everything?: well 1) as the beastlings are no longer infantilized animalistic caricatures, there is less racism in the game, 2) this makes the hunter subclass no longer technically racefaking, and 3) it means that the 20 year old woman who is the only protagonist from toto'haha no longer has to be treated like a toddler

yes i know this breaks temenos' chapter 5. i dont care. skill issue.

so anyway ochette. unfortunately ochette's entire character is noble savage/toddler so she needs an overhaul

my proposal is to make her more autistic keep her caring a lot/focusing on her interests, which are now: hunting, cooking, and languages.

these were mainly chosen based on her existing mechanics, except for languages which is tied into the fact that i want to change her night path action to be swapped with hikari's so befriend now gains you information. (yes i know this would make bribe identical to hire so you would have to change what mechanic it relies on. idk which one im not a doctor). this is mainly because ot2 already does a lot of interesting things with path actions even outside of character stories and i wanna push the thing where some NPCs can only have certain path actions just a little farther and make it so that not all NPCs can be info-gathered by all characters because some of them only speak other languages. yes ik this would require them to create some conlangs but it doesnt have to be Every character and creating one fairly simple conlang for ochette's story and maybe like 3 more for random NPCs to have 1 line in seems fully possible. they already made a couple different writing systems. actually they could literally just keep the writing systems and just write romaji/english/etc sentences in them if they dont wanna do a real language.

why ochette? Because I Said So. i told you guys i held back on throné ochette not having much of a character means i get to enter silly mode

anyway so Ochette Autism activate. she will now love cooking. she invents new recipes and likes finding ways to cook complicated stuff with only things she can gather in the moment. she has extensive knowledge of every edible plant in toto'haha. her first thought when she sees an elemental spirit with no physical body is "yeah i could make a mean fucking soup of that creatyre". she would hunt regardless as the main hunter for her village but the reason she Loves hunting is that she loves finding her own ingredients. she also really loves languages. no longer is animal language automatically translated, now she just learned how to speak the languages of animals from toto'haha and some others from juvah. she likes talking to people and is academically interested in languages. this partly comes from convenience bc shes had to get used to learning languages to speak with the village and her animal companions but its also partly because she has trouble communicating with people and its one of the ways she tries to account for that. also more on that in the story since its what ill be focusing on. she cares a lot about sustainability and is fundamentally against killing what you won't eat. her main flaws are that 1) despite her love of languages she often has difficulty communicating with people even if she can understand them, 2) she doesn't really care about anything outside her interests, and 3) due to her living her entire life in a small village of people who all knew her she's kind of unfamiliar with the concept of a stranger who doesn't immediately get her and can sometimes be overly familiar or opaque to people who don't understand her

her extensive cooking knowledge will mostly be used for jokes and in travel banter while her language skills will be the driving force of the story

also due to this im rewriting her relationship map lets just go in order. so as she and castti now are both knowledgeable about plants and meat(most of the human body is meat) the two of them keep finding things they have in common, and also because ochette's prepared food grants a bunch of positive effects she and castti end up talking about the benefits of healthy eating and medicinal properties of food a lot. she and throné initially have an awkward relationship because ochette is very satisfied with her life and she. isnt, but as throné goes through her story where she's worried that a killer is all she'll ever be and she's a permanent net negative for the world, ochette provides her with an example of someone who has a sustainable relationship with life and death and gives her hope that she might eventually be able to find an occupation where she can use her skills to benefit herself and other people, and also they are gay. osvald and she are initially very awkward because ochette talks a ton and osvald is completely unreceptive but as their stories progress osvald decides that ochette would probably make a pretty good scholar if being a hunter ever falls through for her and shes like yeah haha maybe in another life. partitio and her are mismatched despite being similar because despite both of them being singlemindedly determined about their interests but coming off as endearing because one of those interests is befriending people means they get along on a lot of fronts, partitio is very focused on progress and increasing in scale whereas ochette simply isn't and couldn't care less about inventions that don't have anything to do with her specialties. agnea finds out in her chapter 2 that ochette actually has a really good singing voice and spends the rest of her story trying to get ochette to contribute a verse to the song of hope but hijinks ensue as ochette only knows how to write lyrics in languages agnea can't understand and in the case of a bird language can't replicate. temenos and she spend basically all their travel banters fighting about theology because ochette could not give less of a fuck about any gods besides draefendi and temenos is like What do you mean "tell aelfric to call me back when he can give me awesome cat powers" and "if my religion was existentially threatened by the existence of other religions i would simply not lmao". she and hikari are just kind of on the same team because she's very against killing without purpose

now onto her story. the basic structure will actually be the same, i'm keeping the night of the scarlet moon and her journey to be finding and bringing back the three guardian beasts, However the how will be different

chapter 1: i'm removing the territorial dispute entirely partly bc as beastlings and humans are now the same theres no village divide and also octopath's tone and writing simply aren't equipped to handle this issue well, so we're cutting it. we are keeping the flashback of ochette choosing between the jackal and owl though, and the first scene being her hunting the king iguana its basically just that the companion is like "can we not wait until we get back to town to cook this thing" and ochette is like "no it tastes better if you cook it immediately" and then theres a little cutscene of her grilling it on the spot. she gets back to town and is sharing the jerky with everyone and then goes to speak with juvah, who tells her she's going to be the village guardian. ochette is reluctant because she enjoys her current life where she's able to only do things she finds interesting, but juvah says she's the only person strong enough to do it, and they talk about how the forest is changing. suddenly cohazeh shows up and says that a woman has wandered into the tomb of the wanderbeasts and can someone go get her, ochette says yeah of course and sets off. when she arrives the woman is acting very strangely and ochette has to provoke her. after being defeated she calms down and can be befriended to gain information about being attacked by a weird creature. after that she joins the party and they return to find juvah fighting the weird creature, with her taking over after he's injured and defeating it. after it's defeated, juvah takes her to the tombs and tells her about the prophecy and that this will be the final test of whether or not she's ready to be the guardian and then falls asleep. ochette reluctantly sets off, unsure if she'll be able to pass this trial.

chapter 2: the structure of 2 is actually mostly fine it's just ochette as a character that's changed. when she shows up she's frustrated by the way conning creek differs from the village and has an awkward confrontation with a food stall owner because she doesn't understand the concept of making food when you might be making more than you need before being stopped by her companion and reminded what she came here for. she goes to the coast and finds alpione who blocks her path and tells her that she'll be encroaching on sacred land if she goes to the island, ochette insists she needs to go and is confused by alpione not trusting her even though ochette knows she's not going to do anything bad, but fails to communicate this effectively. alpione has to be challenged and after her defeat ochette goes to find the island completely empty. at the tail end of the little spiral alpione shows up. she initially refuses to talk but can be befriended, at which point she'll share that cateracta was killed by a strange hunter and left to rot. alpione and the other guardians made use of her remains out of respect. ochette is angered by cateracta's death but is relieved that she at least wasn't left to decay, and alpione finally realizes that ochette holds the same respect for animals that she does, at which point she asks why ochette wanted to meet cateracta. ochette explains her situation more clearly and alpione is like. why did you not say that before. and mentions that there's one piece of cateracta that remains, and that it too shouldn't go to waste, giving her cateracta's egg which hatches into acta. before leaving, ochette is again conflicted and reflects on what happened. she still doesn't really get why alpione took so long to understand her motivations and wonders if she could ever be capable of being the village guardian when she feels like she'll never really understand people even if she can talk to them. she'll especially never understand people like the hunter, and doesn't know what she would do if she ever came across someone like that.

chapter 3: ochette shows up in crackridge to find the earthquakes and goes around asking about tera but everyone refuses to talk to her about it, except for an old woman speaking a language she doesn't understand but who reacts to the name 'tera' by speaking a lot. ochette has to go around befriending people until she finds the woman's son who when befriended will share the location of a [language]-solistian dictionary which ochette can use to understand how to befriend the woman, at which point she gives ochette directions on where to find tera. ochette finds the sleeping tera and tries to wake him up but nothing works until the old woman from before shows up and shouts something in [language], at which point tera wakes up, but attacks ochette. after being captured, he calms down and recognizes that ochette is from toto'haha and figures out what's going on. he says that the old woman is a descendant of the first inhabitants of crackridge and that she's been waking him up to feed him while he tries to recover from a fight with the hunter. ochette asks why he attacked her and he says that the hunter tricked the woman's ancestor into revealing his location and he thought this was another case of that. ochette is like ohhh i see, and tera says he's healed up enough to accompany her back to the island. tera also teaches her how to thank the woman for her help, and he explains what's going on to her and that she won't need to feed him for a while. on the way back, the townspeople get angry at her for all the earthquakes but ochette says that she subdued tera and he won't be back for some time and also will be calmer when he returns. the old woman's son finds her and says he's surprised that anyone actually bothered to understand his mom, saying that although plenty of people have tried to calm down tera all of them gave up when they realized she didn't know any solistian. ochette says it's lucky she's good at learning languages, but the son says that it's probably also that she realized ochette was trying to help. he wishes her luck on her journey. ochette stops to think about things. she's still conflicted, now aware there are lots of kind of miscommunication, but found it satisfying to actually use her skills to talk with someone she otherwise wouldn't have been able to . she still doesn't want to be the guardian if it means she can't just do what she wants, but wonders if she might get to feel this satisfaction over being able to help resolve an issue using her skills if she did take up the job.

chapter 4: ochette arrives in stormhail and after befriending a townsperson is told that glacis lives on the peak of the mountain, but the townsperson warns her that the blizzards have been so intense that trying to climb it will be extremely dangerous. ochette says that she doesn't really have a choice and sets out for the mountain anyway. she's blocked by the sanctum guard and although she tries to explain why she needs to get past the guard refuses to listen to her and she eventually resorts to knocking him out. just before she starts up the path, she's stopped by heig who Again warns her and ochette, now very annoyed, snaps at him that for the last fucking time she just needs to see glacis, heig insists she'll die just like the others, ochette says she's built different and leaves anyway. on the way up the mountain she finds several frozen corpses which she and her companion figure out must have been caused by glacis. heig shows up and is like "see? all these great hunters were felled by glacis' fury. you're fucked". ochette realizes he's trying to help her and befriends him to figure out his perspective, he explains that this is his old crew and they were trying to hunt glacis. ochette asks why, he says for glory. ochette's disgusted that they were just planning to take her head and leave, and says she doesn't have any sympathy for the dead hunters. heig admits they were acting selfishly and says that he only survived because he hesitated, and then fled while glacis was killing the rest of his party, so now he tries to atone by making sure nobody else makes it up the mountain. ochette says she has no intention of killing glacis and that he's actually preventing anything from getting better by just locking her away instead of actually trying to make it up to glacis herself. heig is like.... shes a bird, and ochette explains that all animals are sentient and can be reasoned with if you're willing to learn their language, and that he should apologize to her personally. he leaves, but ochette notices that he's going up the mountain instead of down. she thinks that just leaving the bodies here is wasteful, but eventually decides it should be up to glacis who hunted them what to do. she gets to the peak to find heig unconscious in the snow and a furious glacis who attacks her. after being subdued ochette asks glacis what happened and she says that heig started shouting at her. ochette explains that she told him to apologize for he and his comrades' selfishness. glacis is surprised, but allows ochette to get heig, and when he wakes up glacis says she'll listen to ochette if she translates for him. heig apologizes on behalf of his party for attacking glacis and says that he's spent the years since then trying to atone, but that her blizzards are wrecking stormhail and killing innocent people and it may be time for both of them to move on. glacis is suspicious that he's only apologizing because ochette made him, but reluctantly accepts that he actually never attacked her earlier and was just talking in a way she couldn't understand. she agrees to accompany ochette back to toto'haha, and says that when she returns to stormhail she will protect it instead of attacking it. she also says that if heig learns how to speak to her, she'll allow him to atone for the attack by becoming her helper, which he agrees to. ochette asks what glacis wants to do with the bodies of the fallen hunters, and glacis replies that now that the blizzard is gone they should naturally be consumed by the animals of the mountain. heig is resistant to the idea until ochette explains that it's a sign of respect to allow them to return to nature in death and should be their way to make up for their actions since they're not alive to do it themselves, which he accepts. ochette leaves the two of them and returns to stormhail to think. she's still angry on glacis' behalf at heig and the hunters, but this has shown her that there are cruel or selfish people who can be convinced to change if made to understand the problem and people who appear to be acting cruelly who just don't have the full context. she also realizes that understanding people means considering the perspectives of people she's diametrically opposed to even if she never comes to agree with them. from her experience with juvah she knows that being the guardian comes with the responsibility to protect the entirety of toto'haha, even the parts and people she doesn't particularly care about, and thinks that she would probably have to change as a person to achieve that level of understanding. could she do it? does she want to? does she have the obligation to even if she doesn't want to?

chapter 5: ochette returns to toto'haha with all the guardians. juvah is relieved, saying that the amount of weird beasts in the forest is increasing and that people were starting to get hurt. he asks her if she's ready to take on the mantle of guardian, and ochette admits that she's still not sure. suddenly, night falls and the blood moon is out. that sequence is mostly unchanged, you're fighting tons of Weird Creatures and using the guardians to bust through until she comes upon the companion she didn't choose and gets thrown into the ocean. she's rescued by the might of her current companion who channels the same force of draefendi that gives ochette her beastling power and they drag her out to the beach where she comes across the darkling. the climax is already very good so i'm leaving it unchanged except for ochette befriending the darkling and getting an info window that mentions that the darkling can now rest. the epilogue is juvah asking her the same question as before and ochette realizing that it's worth it to be the guardian and she's willing to grow to fill that role, deciding to continue on her journey until she's gained enough experience to confidently be a good guardian.

ochette's crossed paths is actually mostly good and in fact her translating the dourdour boar is one of the reasons i thought of the language thing for ochette, basically the only change is that ochette and castti have a different dynamic so no milf jokes(29 is too young to be a milf anyway. sorry) and the joke is instead that ochette is like "hmmmmmm. i wonder if i could cook the shadowy being" and castti is like "i feel like that would at least give you food poisoning"

[spicy-squid-thoughts]

TW: mentions of suicide/ suicidal ideation

______________________________

In my head, I have revised this letter a countless number of times. I don’t even know if this is an official note because I haven’t fully committed to the idea of committing, but I wanted to write this anyway. I’m making up a new concept: Suicidal Ideation Note (in comparison to a traditional suicide note). Today is January 16th, 2023. The time is 9:49 P.M. Tomorrow, the Spring Semester begins at school. I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of love, and a lot of grievances. Lately it seems like those grievances are getting heavier and heavier, though since it’s all in my head it’s hard to explain. Logistically, I could probably analyze what’s wrong with me. I’ve been told that I’m great at psycho-analyzing people, not to mention psychology is very fascinating to me. 

First things first, I’m tired. I’m so tired. I know I’ve been struggling with my passive suicidal ideation for a while, but lately there are more days where the urge to die is stronger. There are repetitive thoughts in my head, all telling me that dying would be so much easier than just existing-- because that’s the thing: you can’t simply just exist. 

Maybe this won’t make any sense at all. I hardly do, anyways. Lol. I think existing is so difficult. As a woman, as a queer person, as someone who has both ADHD and Autism simultaneously. The world we live in is not suited for me. Our world is suited best for cisgendered, straight, able-bodied/minded white men. Especially in America. 

Did you know that the ADA, (The Americans with Disabilities Act) was only brought into existence in the 90’s? Why did America wait so long to even think about giving rights to disabled people? And it was only when people with wheelchairs were crawling up the steps of the Capital that the government considered giving them a tiny bit of rights. 

But my disability is invisible, and accommodations will likely not be made for me. Sure, legally businesses can’t discriminate against you based on the premise of disability but they do anyways. They’ll just blame it on something else, or not hire you at all because “you aren’t the right fit” which is secretly code for “your Autism makes you act weird and we don’t want you”. 

I’m tired of having to constantly mask and blend in to act “normal” for neurotypicals who don’t care about me. I just want to be myself. This world wasn’t made for someone like me. The average life expectancy for Autistic individuals is about 34-54, which is less than the general population. It is also true that Autistic people are more likely to have depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. I wonder why? (It should be very obvious why).

I’m getting a bit off topic. 

I’m tired of having to fight for my place to exist. Most boomers want me gone; they think my very existence as a lesbian is offensive to their kids and their grandkids-- they want to oppress my identity and I’m tired of being constantly discriminated against, even indirectly. Even the idea of “you do what you want, but don’t expose my children” is inherently homophobic. Straight media is shoved in childrens’ faces as soon as they are old enough to comprehend fiction. Yet when it’s LGBT, all of a sudden it’s evil or too inappropriate or too confusing, even though the same exact things are being shown through a straight couple in a kid’s movie? 

I’m tired of injustice and I’m tired of hypocrisy. I can’t simply “get over” the injustices of the world, and how there are homeless people and how medicine costs so much money and how corporate greed is the fuel that runs this country. I hate living in a country that everyone hates; being clumped in with the rest of the intolerant, racist people that live here. 

I’m tired of people telling me that this is the best way to live, that capitalism and corporate greed are necessary and that America is the best country. It’s not. Just because there are places that are worse than us DOES NOT MEAN there can’t be greener pastures. Sure, no place is perfect. But there are better options out there and no one believes me. 

I’ve been spiraling and spiraling more frequently these days. Maybe some of it has to do with trauma, but a big part of it has to do with the energy around me. I hate the constant fighting and the constant hypocrisy of everyone around me. 

And yet, logistically I still have goals and dreams and aspirations. I know I have people who love and care about me and people who make me laugh. I know I am not alone, but I still feel like no one would understand the darkness underneath my smile. That line was really cringe. 

Lately, I’ve been losing interest in all of my hobbies. I hadn’t noticed this until it was far too late. I had misinterpreted the meaning of “depression makes you lose interest in things”; I am still INTERESTED in writing and reading and video games and the like, but when was the last time I sat down and wrote something for fun? Played a video game? Watched a new anime? Read more than one chapter in a book? I desperately miss the times I would stay up all night reading an enticing book or fanfiction, or losing sleep over writing a silly ‘x reader’ fanfiction or even working on my novel concept. I miss the days I would pull an all nighter over Harvest Moon or Terraria or Stardew Valley or even Pokemon. 

It seems like all I do now is school, work, and Tiktok. It’s all that can hold my attention at the moment. When I try to write, I psych myself out and I can’t write more than a paragraph or a few sentences. When I try to play video games, I can’t play for more than thirty minutes at most (if I’m lucky). I don’t know what happened. 

I still have goals somehow. I want to travel to Europe and I want to see Japan and South Korea again. I want to publish a novel and I want to watch all of these shows and I want to work at a publishing house. But... living is so exhausting that I don’t know if I’ll ever see those things through. I’m surprised that I made it all the way to 2023. I almost kicked the bucket back in 2017 or 2018 (I can’t quite remember), but I guess I’m still here. 

The main reason I’m still here is because (like I said earlier) I know people care about me. My girlfriend and my friends and my family would be devastated. My sisters and my brother are all so young, they might even gain some form of trauma if I were to go through with it. (Is that too self-absorbed to say? I don’t see my siblings that often anyways, maybe they would hardly notice my absence after a while). I know eventually I would fade into a fond memory, a pink carnation woven into their amygdalas. 

Maybe a lot of people my age are unhappy. There’s a lot going on right now, and a lot of fighting. Houses and groceries are more expensive than ever and wages are the same as always. I don’t want to work 3 jobs to make ends meet. It’s already hard enough working one job. Retail really is dehumanizing. So is the food service industry. 

Lately it feels like so many people are expressing their woes with the modern age and yet nobody seems to be listening. Any time I try to express my problems with how things are I am always shut down. Unless it’s someone my age. I’m tired of being so isolated from all the other adults in my life (not my friends, I mean more like family). As if Autism isn’t already isolating enough, my ideas and my beliefs are isolating me on top of that. I’m the odd one out I think. 

I know my cats understand me perfectly. I love them so much, actually. I love all cats even if Persians are ugly.

I don’t know how healthy it is to fantasize over someone saving me from myself. Maybe it’s a bit unhealthy, but I seek it out in the vessel of my current hyperfixations. I don’t know why it’s so comforting to read those headcanon posts on Tumblr where my self insert Obey Me MC is suicidal and the brothers comfort them through their darkest hours, or where MC self harms and the brothers find out about it and get them help. 

Maybe I’m just too scared to get help. I already know I’m afraid of change; maybe this is part of that fear. I don’t know how to overcome it or make it go away. Maybe I’m too comfortable in this depression, for if I overcome it, what will be left? Maybe I don’t want to know the answer to that question. 

There are things I like that make me happy. I like Tally Hall and Vocaloid: these two music groups are spicy. I love the animes Sgt Frog, Soul Eater, Made in Abyss, Angel Beats, and Girls Last Tour. Right now I’m rewatching Bungou Stray Dogs with my girlfriend and I love it. My favorite books are The Magical Language of Others and The Lost Apothecary. I love the graphic novel Heartstopper and I love the manga Servamp. I love traveling, though I don’t get to do it often. 

I love my girlfriend and my friends and my family, even if I feel isolated from my family a lot of the time. 

I love the snow and I love the water and I love shells at the beach and I love the little clams that peck your fingers when you scoop up a big pile of wet sand. I love nature and I love cats and I love sea creatures and I love creating and I love laughing and I love stupid stuff like memes and Tiktok and I love Asian food. 

I have so much to love, but I feel like everything else is far too draining. I can stay here, alive, and love these things, but at what cost? I want to rest beneath the Earth for centuries like the ancient gods and goddesses used to do. I just want a break from all the chaos. 

I don’t think I’ll ever actually have the courage to do anything rash. I think that I’m far too much of a coward for that. So I’ll stay here and suffer and be alive. 

[catwingsthespatula]

I have a job interview today! For a job I actually really want! Wish me luck! 🤞🤞🤞

[treybriggsthewriter]

This makes me nervous, but I’m going to post it. I’m going to try my best to achieve my goals. I’ve put in a ton of work already, so I’m looking for additional help. 

From the campaign:

My name is Trey Briggs, and I'm a black woman who writes paranormal horror, speculative fiction, and other types of fiction. You can find my stories at MaybeTrey , Astrid the Devil , and on Instagram , Medium , and Wattpad .

My stories are aimed at black people who want to read dark stories that focus on original black characters that are complex and interesting. I genuinely believe Black audiences deserve a variety of genres to delve into, and I want to introduce them to paranormal horror, dark romance, and fantasy that they haven't gotten enough of in the past. I also believe that this can be done across multiple mediums, and I spend my money with black creative professionals to make these experiences extend beyond my words. For the last two years, I've run my stories on sites and Instagram to great reception. I like to craft complex experiences that offer looks at character backgrounds, side and backstories, full websites for each title, and more. I also provide encyclopedias, maps, audio journals, and other ways to get into each world. During these last few years, I've run into a lot of walls, jumped a lot of hurdles, and tried my best. I've worked with amazing black artists, voice actors, and actresses, musicians, designers, and more. I trust my ability to run a project, especially when it comes to planning and finding talent. My overall goal is to run a team of black creatives that crafts novels, graphic novels, audio experiences, and animated series for a dedicated audience.

Why I Need Help Long story short: I have the skill, I have the marketing/website building/business experience, and I have the drive. There's a lot I can do on my own, but there's also a lot that gets left behind because I don't have the money I need to proceed at a steady pace. I need help with funding so I can focus, hire the right people, and craft these stories the way they deserve to be crafted. I have thus far spent over $60,000 of my own money on my projects over the past two years - the writing and site-building are easy for me; the rest has to be hired out. I have art, site costs for hosting, domains, templates, specific plugins, and maintenance, audio (and vocal artists to pay), musical, and editing costs. I'm by no means rich or even particularly financially stable. I have taken on tons of extra clients for my digital marketing business, transcribed hundreds of hours of audio for dirt cheap, and taken out personal loans. I even worked a second full-time job along with my full-time business last year to afford to produce the content I love. It's starting to take a toll on my mental health. I plan on continuing to fund these projects out of pocket (and finding ways to do so), but having financial help, however big or small, would allow me to move a lot faster and with less stress. It would let me flesh out ideas and concepts that I have had to scrap because I can only physically handle so much extra work. I run a full-time marketing business from home, homeschool my autistic 10-year-old, and generally have a busy life. Some of the strain is taking a toll on me, and I don't want to give up. Having some financial backing could allow me to drop a client or two after a few months and focus on the work I love to do.

How You Can Help I mainly need a start—a sort of base. I want to emphasize that I plan to continue to provide the main bulk of funding for my projects. I know my goals are ambitious, and I know each step will take time and money. I welcome any help to make the process smoother and to get around the initial hurdles. I'd like to have ebooks and novels offered on my site by the end of the year (along with the free serials and stories). Funding means that I can broaden the projects, include more free aspects to my sites, and secure direct financing through sales of ebooks and audiobooks sooner. It also means that I can offer MORE stories, whether they are online only or fully fleshed out novels and sites. I am swamped with trying to work enough to cover all my bills and creative projects, so I lose a lot of time I could spend plotting and writing. If I have better funding, I can get my stories out quicker (and with fewer mistakes).

The Initial Stories Let's talk about my stories! If you're familiar with my work already, you can skip to the next section. My main story site is Maybe Trey . Currently, I have two big titles and a bunch of smaller ones that I am seeking help with funding: Astrid the Devil

Astrid the Devil is the complicated story of a girl who inherits not only her family's features and DNA, but their fears, struggles, and fights. It's the story of a condition called Devil Syndrome, the women who suffer it, and the monsters that devour them. It's the story of the fight to save the people you love at the expense of innocent lives. At its core, Astrid the Devil is the story of a woman who inherits the chaos of three generations before her. It's a look at what is truly passed down to our children, and how they're left to fight our battles in the aftermath of our failures. It's the tale of an indescribable monster and the women who struggle to defeat it. It's a journey into how their every decision could save or destroy an entire world. Astrid the Devil is the story of Astrid Snow, but her story can't be told without the story of the women before her.

Vicious: On MaybeTrey  and The Vicious site (in progress)

Somewhere, a war is brewing.  That's the only thing that's for sure to Junnie Gorton, a young horned girl suffering from a debilitating disease called Horn Rot. She typically dealt with her low survival rate and abnormally large horns by escaping the world with her best friend, Lewish. Now she's forced to figure out which side is which, save her entire species, and find out the truth behind the sudden uprising in her home. Horn Rot, a highly contagious and violent disease spreading through horned people, is causing mass amounts of madness and death. Normal horns grow in ways that will pierce, suffocate, and maim their owners, and the only one who can stop it is Junnie's mother, Lyria. As Lyria falls deeper and deeper into an anti-social revolt, the country reels. While Junnie broods, her entire species must prepare for mass extinction. Her brother plots with a group of people with less than good intentions and Lewish is quieter than usual. In a civilization brought up on extreme violence and competition, Junnie and Lewish try their best not to get swallowed by their culture, their lives, or their horns.

Bunni and Bosque :

Bunni lives. Bosque dies. We all know how this story starts. Bunni is obsessed with destruction and death. She comes from the healthiest Horned family in her country. She's from the oldest, purest bloodline in the world. And she's bored with it. Bunni spends most of her time trying to escape her duties as a pureblood. She wants things dirty, messy, foul, inconsistent. Having parents that are willing to kill to keep their bloodline pure is annoying. Knowing that she'll live a long, full life, produce more perfect children, and die unscathed is agonizing. Bunni wants something to mourn. We all know how this story ends. Bosque is destined to die an agonizing death, alone on his family's land. He's watched everyone he loved and grew up with perish. Sometimes it was because of their disease. Sometimes it was because of the malice and hatred of others. While he's absolutely withdrawn and satisfied with his life, Bosque has never had a chance to live it. He spends his days basking in the sun, bathing in wood baths, and contemplating the end. Bosque isn't interested in joining the rest of the world. He'd rather die out, alone, where his family belonged. Bosque wants to go peacefully. But neither expected to meet each other one day in a supermarket. Neither expected to fall in love, lust, and every vicious and dirty thing between. Neither expected to be so right for each other, all while being wrong for everyone else. You know the end of this story. Bunni lives, Bosque dies. But maybe something will change.

My smaller titles, Bunni and Bosque /Aite and Jude, can be found at Maybe Trey .

The Business Plan

The initial phase of my business plan is to get the sites populated with ebooks and audiobooks for sale. I also have prints that can be sold. Right now, I am in the audience-building phase while I save up for editing the full novels. 

In terms of an actual business with which to publish the stories, I already have a registered publication company in Illinois: Wolfless Studios LLC. I took this step earlier this year with plans to self-publish Astrid and Vicious. So that is paid for and done.

I have also gotten initial editing done on the first six chapters of Astrid, though it will need to be edited from the beginning again once everything is said and done. I've spent over $1000 on that so far, and it would go a lot faster if I didn't need to save up to edit each chapter.

Astrid the Devil is fully plotted, outlined, and only needs the last three chapters. Bunni and Bosque and Vicious are newer, but plotted and already deep into character development (all being shared across social and Wattpad for audience growth). Aite and Jude and other shorts are plotted, and three other unshared stories are plotted and at the editing phase.

Other costs and ways I would use the funding (I would still put in my own money and do as much on my own as possible):

Initial $30K

$6000 - $7000 Line and Copy edits for Astrid (currently at 250000+ words/expecting over 300000 at $0.02 rate)

$6000 - $7000 Line and Copy Edits for Vicious

$3000 - $4000 Line and Copy Edits for Bunni and Bosque

ISBN Purchases (Separate ISBN for each format for each book) - https://www.myidentifiers.com/identify-protect-your-book/barcode

Covers for Astrid/Vicious/B&B Print Versions

Site Hosting Costs and Maintenance for 2 Years

Site completion for all stories

Initial store and app development

40K - Marketing and Graphic Novels

Social, Print, and Web ads

Email Marketing Campaigns 

Booths at Decatur Book Festival (depending on COVID)

Social ads and promos

50 to 60 pages

First two chapters offered as free promo with email sign-ups

Audio journals for each character

Situational audio journals

Encyclopedia for Astrid (finishing up)/Vicious

65K - Hires and Next Phases

Ability to hire a Full-Time Editor 

Audio Series for each (professionally done)

Vicious Graphic Novel

Additional Title Added

Short animations for both Vicious and Astrid (with plans to fund more with book sales)

Fleshed out Story Sections (Novellas for each character of each series)

Short comic series with Astrid and Vicious side characters

Possible to plan out monthly subscription service with new stories and 'story package' deliveries

75K -

Astrid the Devil Graphic Novel

Vicious Graphic Novel

Astrid the Devil Animated Short

Ability to hire part-time Web Developer

Additional bigger title

Anything Over - I ascend into pure light. And also, I can add titles, cover more mediums, and eventually expand my publishing to other black creatives.

From there, I should be able to handle the funding via sales of books, comics, audio, and more. Again, I will always offer mostly free content across the sites.

I believe in proof of concept, and I have diehard fans on my social platforms. With no outside funding, I've been able to a lot on my own. I'd love to expand my business into one that does the same for other black authors, artists, voice actors, and animators somewhere down the line. 

Thank you so much for your consideration. I appreciate all my readers, present and future, and I appreciate any help!

See incentives and more on the actual campaign: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-trey-publish-black-paranormal-horror-stories

Thank you so much!

[zikadraws]

If the ghosts bosses got to be reincarnated, what do you think they’d look like in the modern age(I’m talking, like the twisted sisters, Clem(best rat boi), Fishhook, etc)?

Oh boy tough call !✨Sooo let's seeeee...

(*Low quality colouring, drawing and long post ahead (sorry), Click4Quality*)

So let's start with Chambrea and Steward. They gladly took back their human form (Yeah I see Chambrea as Latino/Arabic styled, and Steward as Australian), but less gladly the fact of having to work to not get hungry. They restarted to work in services, although their experience (as for a good part of the ghosts) got them militant, and they are fighting for the service workers to get treated/respected better and better paid (between others). Chambrea (Chãlissia) is the leading type, Steward (Stuart) follows and admires her, and struggles to push their relationship to another level. They already live together.

Then there's Chef Jacques Soulfflé. He of course oriented himself towards cooking, but understandably enough for those who witnessed his cooking, got fired several times, and refused to understand why ; so much that he actually attempted ''Hell's Kitchen'' to prove everyone wrong- and nearly caused Gordon Ramsay, who -figures- spectacularly blazed his @ss, to rage quit the emission. They actually had a private talk afterwards and Gordon decided to save cooking's honour and to give him private lessons. Never did he see a guy so bad at cooking but who genuinely absolutely loved cooking against all. Deserves an effort. Thanks to that Soulfflé got better and found a regular cook post. Yeah I got carried a bit far on this IK. X) Anyway so next-

Morty finally managed to open the cinema class he was planning to open before his death, and he's having the time of his life with this. He takes cheap and everyone in -elementals to elderly- and he is in a 'poor-populated' city part, so he has a lot of volunteers ; as an activity as for an actual class. He loves to communicate his passion with others, is a wonderful teacher open to everyone and loves creating shorts and movies with his students. Some of them actually succeeded as actors or staff or even directors, and often credit him. Although a bit wore out, he is really happy. Plus a good portion of the former boss ghosts like to help him with and star in his productions.

Krüller thought of becoming policeman, but chickened out and went on as a mall guard. He is great with children. He even babysits sometimes. And often stars in Morty's movies, as 'the police chief'. He's satisfied by this repetitive but calm life.

Johnny Deepend invested into an old gym and became sport coach. Between taxes and incomes, it isn't always easy but his easygoing, supportive and friendly natural attitude gets him a nice bunch of people following him and going to his gym. But on the side, he is also very engaged to ban competitions based on showing off the body, knowing way too well how destructive it is for the people, and actually even run conferences about that. He is determined.

Serpci has became a famous social media influencer and practically lives out of it (plus some beauty and fashion sideworks. She customize clothes.). Her Egyptian style, her beauty and aura and her pets snakes got her REALLY popular on any network- and leaves her targeted by many creeps of course, but her merciless way of dealing with them chicken them out (and actually is a way of outcome for her. Blackmail is powerful, but shhh.) She's militant for feminism, and against racism, cultural appropriation and above all, grave robbers (especially targeting archeologists). Remains of her pharaoh shenanigans, y'know.

Dr. Potter searched around and was taken under the wing of an association that fights to save true seeds (seeds that naturally grows back after harvesting and not having to be replaced each time like big corporations like to sell [as] 'necessary'.) He is trusted to keep and grow in number these true seeds, and in return he is taken care of, feed, and has his own house, garden and glasshouse. He is very happy.

The Triplets had to actually go to school for the first time in their lives, and if they managed to get to be adopted together (by one of the bosses, idk for this one), they had a very cynical bad surprise. They still perform during events, to show-off or at parties.

THAT is my human interpretation of Fishook. He lacks an arm and look as what white police arbitrarily view as the embodiment of ''''potential criminal''''; and now that he's human again, he's fucking pissed. As in -he freaking means business. By that I mean, he is entirely, body and soul, engaged to the whole 'Save Marine Life' cause. He raids awareness and direct missions, participates to everything and acts everywhere. Yeah, he works for the WWF. (He is also getting a bit of trouble about his cranky comportment.)

(Yeah, ship time. Why ? Because I can.)

Amadeus Wolfgeist and Clem turned into a couple representation of Tortured Artists ™. (I'll explain for Clem at some point in the future so it'd make sense, pinky swear.)

Amadeus Wolfgeist got his hair back (and I wasn't too sure of what colour to give it but heck it I'm satisfied), but was really pissed to learn that it's hard to make a carrier out of classical music nowadays. He yet decided to keep on it, determined as frick that he was to bring back the golden age, and became an independent compositor, freeing the stress generated from this work by private contract concerts. Despite his talent, he's struggling due to his dissuading stubbornness and is upset to not being able to afford his preferred nobile lifestyle. Clem has spawned up with an hyperactive syndrome, plus of his autistic condition, and is making the most money by having several jobs at the time. As a handyman/plumber, but also as a painter and visual artist, as he finally noticed how much interest and talent he had for that. He draws eyefooling artworks as a living, to situate. He kept his pet opossum and his emotional support duckies. Strangely enough, he hardly sleeps on his own impulse anymore.

They live together (for 'financial reasons' dixit Wolfgeist, y'knooow...) and complete and equilibrate each other. Clem is the one who -ironically- makes the most money, and deals with Amadeus's stress and irritation levels. Amadeus is Clem's impulse control, health, fashion, self-care and sleep schedule advisor.

Sometimes Clem seconds Amadeus on his banjo.

AND THEN, TO FINISH (because I literally, between other things, have no space left) we have Macfrights who tried to get hired at 'Puy du Fou' but got humiliated and turned off, and Phantasmagloria who tried to get hired as a DJ but nuts for several reasons. They both swallowed back their pride and ended up working at fast-foods. They both try as often as possible to play in Morty's movies. Macfrights likes to play the villain.

---

OKAY ! And that was about it for my headcanons about this ask. Very long post, I know but hey ! Dare I believe that it was worth it...?

Alright, thank you for your ask. That was a big one and I hope you are, too, satisfied and wish you a nice day :) .

Aaand thank you to everyone else for your attention 🎵 ! 🤗 Have a nice day~♥️

[unproduciblesmackdown]

returning the favor: do you have any hcs re: winston, past or present, that you haven't expounded upon before or at length or just feel like talking about again. whatever you like

Thank You.......yeah idk really what hc's i've like "officially" described here that often lol, but then also there's that whole complication where i don't really ever come up with ideas & when asked anything i'm probably going [???] like, classics like "what do you like out of [broad parameter]" & it's like damn....i dunno. what ideas do i have about winsotn who i've thought about every day for > 2 yrs??? that's tough.....& Then the further chaos of like, when i do have hc's or w/e it's less discrete, concrete invented ideas & more towards the end of the spectrum that's like "well i kinda interpret this part of canon vaguely this way" &/or "i have This vague notion that i haven't solidified into a pretend fact or that i'm not at all committed to or take that seriously" where it's like, not only is this not really nailed down but it's basically free floating / i might have other ideas that would contradict each other lol. seems like a more concise list of Stats that are fully/exclusively my ideas is more exciting, but instead i can offer vague "i dunno / what ifs" based on vibes that i verbosely describe lmao, plus i'll forget a bunch of ideas i may have had i'm sure but you know. what else have i ever offered; never really trying to sell this material to otherwise uninterested parties or only make posts that guaranteed more than one person might enjoy, why would i be starting now; and ig if i write a bunch of stuff here & go "oh & i forgot like a half dozen obvious things" i can add on to it if it's a big deal.....plus it's always tricky with billions in particular being vague abt its own characters lmao, we only see [outside of work] personal stuff if it's going to become directly tied to [definitely at work] professional plotlines, or Maybe glimpse some character contextualizing things for the more central characters....side characters have more blanks to fill but also that means. just more that's blank lol & kinda a mystery of Up To Interpretation.....i figured one way to have any structure for this at all is to have a part looking at each winston involving episode's info. well anyways, after this meandering intro that kind of illustrates how i'm sure the rest of things will go here lol, i'm just gonna throw a bunch of stuff down in general. thanks again for the prompt to do so, b/c why not

really the one concrete discrete idea i have which isn't in the canon text is, of course: he is autistic

does he Know? idk. either way, think he's pretty aware of how he operates (& how he Can't operate), but if he doesn't know that's probably more for the "also: he's self loathing, which was basically textually implied" stuff lol. just mentioned it but i do always enjoy the tayston idea that taylor's talking abt in the past having it floated by a therapist/s or whomever that they could be autistic, them considering it but it not applying; winston going "hmm" & doing his own considering & researching & then maybe exclusively sharing the news w/taylor....but of course, maybe he's figured it out himself at some point before. i do think he'd figure it out himself though rather than anyone else directly suggesting it (maybe out here being diagnosed with "just the guy who sucks who we don't like / won't act right or normal" sort of usual experience) & i think, if he knows, he's not about to want ppl at work to know, b/c not as though anyone (but taylor & other quants) particularly seems to be impressed by his quanting proficiency, but he sure gets some validation/affirmation through that route (more re: that of course) and knows that ppl going "oh he's autistic so of course he's better at Doing Math / computer stuff as a like, mechanical efficiency sort of thing" or whatever. and the fact that taylor can interact with him / gives him some leeway to generally do his thing means he's kind of already got space to operate how he operates, see the start of this section....and idk. transitioning into the next section ig

just an Interpretation Of Canon thing here but, re: how these characters generally operate & what their reason is for being around doing stuff in the first place, i guess it's that winston does genuinely like to do & is interested in the math/coding stuff involved here, was also genuinely interested in working for taylor specifically (whatever The Hype specifically was), then you have taylor having the "despite your demeanor, your skills are superior" stance & appreciating what he can do & letting him do it by hiring him for real & all, & here we are, Q is for Quantitative, baby......he must find it rewarding enough to be getting to do this quanting stuff and also, the potential for validation when anyone recognizes he's good at it & by extension finds something about him good & wants him around to any degree

okay just that Episode By Episode stuff for a section here

3x03:

kinda extra room for interpretation b/c this was written as a one off character and reintroducing him in 3x09, written to be recurring, feels like it kinda offers a Soft Reboot for what we got here, where i guess how i take things is that we can suppose in both 3x03 & 3x09 winston's putting on a deliberate Performance to some degree based on what he thinks the potential employer wants to see, but it's also not completely fake / inaccurate either time, & like, maybe the 3x03 vibe wasn't a type of performance he'd only just ever put on for this axe cap interview, & even if it was deliberately bold maybe he was sort of thinking he Could bank on his value as a quant meaning he holds most of the cards (or can get away with acting like it)

building on that & as a More General point of interpretation again: think it's easy to suppose winston could've had an existence w/many elements of frustrations & disappointments & Rejection, but where like, he did figure out these areas of interest & proficiency that seemed to be a more positive force in his life, & leaned into them / focused on them further for it, & i could see him focusing on milestones / graduating from one thing to the next & conceptualizing like, well, if i just get to This point by working on This thing then i'll have it together & be able to move through existence more successfully, like, there's winston going into undergrad & kind of disappointed he's not having that good a time socially / feels like he's missing out / being left out still, but he can be like, well that's fine (: i'm totally fine abt it b/c i'm focusing on the Education & Experience here & when i'm entering the job market as an amazing quant anyone would want to hire then ppl will be seeing me in a positive light & things will fall into place / go great for me / i'll feel like i fit in & am doing things right within some structure. & i think maybe he Did have all those other job offers / opportunities & he was at least partly feeling a bit "objectively" confident, & also maybe just hoping he Could be that confident & that, you know, if he goes ahead & acts like that's the case, it could be confirmed / become true....anyways then obviously disillusionment time

since his outfits are introduced here: more "just how i'm interpreting canon" stuff in that i do just suppose he is mostly focusing on comfort & it'd kinda get in the way of things if he couldn't. flipflops might've been a statement piece but also i figure at least in part about the comfort / lack of much opportunity for restriction or ill fit or chafing texture or anything, same goes re: pants & shirts. interesting he likes to wear the patterned layers but doesn't really wear like, stripes or plaid ever. plus it could well be that Just A Tee is too informal unless you're the formalest of all by virtue of position, i.e. the ceo, but also we sure often enough see him wearing hoodies &/or multiple layers, like, maybe that's just for warmth or weight or what have you, always considering "what if it's about being self conchy as well (different way of saying self conscious)"

3x09:

so yeah with winston not having taken another job (at least maybe only like, temporary ones as these self contained gigs / just something to pay the bills) figure it's been a Depressive Period for him here lol & deliberately going on a journey of like self reflection / examination & going "haha yeah hated what i saw" is like, i don't think the self loathing is anything new, the confidence in 3x03 kind of an optimistic bandaid lol like well here's the new me as i understand / hypothesize / hope he could be, totally confident in being backed up by how valuable he is as a quant, then taylor kind of ripped that off and wound's open again but that wound was also not brand new or something he was unaware of / that didn't affect him before now

re: math meetup, i can see that being him presenting more evidence of his talent as a quant but also specifically going "see, i do this collaborative thing" to present this more conciliatory and cooperative approach to taylor, & am also taking it as evidence that he really does Enjoy math / coding stuff beyond it simply being a means to a professional end. i also like to think he has been / continues going to math meetup regularly, at least once a month, maybe every other week, and that it's this semi social event, like the relevant irl group you found back in the day that like, meets up for pizza before and drinks afterwards. i also like to think that, like, while he might come off as A Bit Much during said math meetup / just speak up frequently enough and often enough with some insistence lol, people Are there to meet up about the math and his contributions Are valued despite if his delivery/approach isn't always endearing or whatever. and even if he's not really popular / warmly embraced in the more [socializing event] bookends of the meetup, he's perfectly tolerated, and there's even a person or two or three (also regular attendees) who do vibe with him enough to like, invite / even want him to sit with them / talk with them outside that Math Setting. math meetup pals, maybe he doesn't meet up with these people outside these events but maybe they have each other's contacts and sometimes text. not these intimate personal relationships, but still something real and positive and refreshing. it'd be nice if math meetup could kinda be like what he hoped for from quanting, this way his math lets him "qualify" to access this group / activity, his aptitude "making up for" perceived lack of interpersonal / social charm & charisma & what have you, & having some reliably friendly people around even if of course that's not on its own going to mean he's totally socially fulfilled / not often lonely or anything. hc: he's often lonely & not totally socially fulfilled

he does, of course, want to work for taylor specifically, as long as they want him to, and this is sort of his second chance to find validation through working as a quant lol. think that yeah sure winston likes validation in general, who doesn't but also of course he's maybe a bit Above Average sensitive to / keen on it, but he'll also care about Affirmation if it's coming from people whose opinion he particularly values. think that it's easy to suppose he's also especially sensitive to taylor's assessments here thanks to the fact they really hit a (raw) nerve with him like, sure is the potential to get caught up in feedback loop city & say, have a few months mired in self loathing & an especial lack of certainty & confidence, if someone's kinda gone "i hate your self hatred" lol, but he also Did have this especial interest in / high opinion of taylor before that 3x03 interview, & so that's what continues to be part of it here

but then also interpreting that second 3x09 scene as like, he Does independently Know His Value as a quant and yknow not only has his pride but also can't and isn't going to first and foremost focus on trying to socially perform being peak Accommodating and Appealing here lol. but he still cares about what taylor thinks, wants to work for/with them, and i think it was Mutually Appreciated in the last scene that there was Mutual Effort to cooperate w/the other, giving him a Cue instead of just being mad & obfuscating it unless & until giving up on him completely or w/e is Constructive. interpreting winston as someone who sure can be a bit petty on purpose, especially in the face of some wounded pride (where he seems to take pride in his quant abilities & maybe not much of anything else: see the self loathing otherwise), but isn't really one to be deliberately antagonistic, especially not towards, yknow, the person he specifically wants to appeal to, but he also knows he can come off as grating whether inadvertently or not, so he might be testing the waters a little as well

3x11

he's using headphones even though no one else is in the room, that's a preference / he may also just like to block out other sound in general, as there's no audio of [winston's music faintly playing as / before he takes off his headphones] or indication he paused anything. does he like metal, what with the yngwie malmsteen reference? maybe, but that might just be a Billions Reference thing that isn't meant to indicate much / anything abt the specific character. i don't have any hcs about it anyways besides "okay" if so

first time we see his watch, it's not the calculator watch until s5 but i am a fan of said calc watch....gotta suppose it could represent him being here for the math of it all, what with how fancy/expensive watches are kinda the whole like status / power play thing, and a calculator watch is, afaik, not expensive, these casio calculator watch listings i'm seeing are all priced like, $15 to $25 range. so.

2nd scene is the first time we see sleeves pushed up, a frequent choice, maybe if he's focusing sleeves against forearms / Wrists & Hands can be bothersome. also not the first time he puts his hands in his pockets but i think that's a deliberate choice for winston's sort of Default Pose, equate it to the choice to have jared hang / hold on to his backpack straps.

guess he can also be a bit petty / rude / grating on purpose if ppl are getting in the way of his mathing / coding or otherwise thwarting it, at least probably taylor can relate / sympathize what with them wanting to Get It Right / being bothered if people get it wrong but could've avoided this

noticing all the caffeine and the fact he maybe didn't leave the basement / was powering through that project All At Once....just noting that down as a potential Approach, wanting to not interrupt focus &/or bear down & keep a fairly intense pace until it's finished / stay in the zone or what have you

definitely doing some deliberately cocky Testing / pushing back / amicable power struggle with taylor there, confirming he does have leverage due to that quanting ability after all, Despite His Demeanor / not being "sweet"

by this point definitely consciously kinda wants taylor to rail him.

4x03

i have no concrete hc's of instances inspiring winston to think he's "always seeing the future" but god i wish he did. he's right a lot though, maybe he just notices as much lol

talking mostly to taylor here, then concluding with "i only thought it but didn't say it; doesn't count....damnit." like he wants Their validation thanks, even if recognizing his Win here still wouldn't help them either way....also first time we see him w/coworkers for real, he's really freely Interacting.....time to go ahead and say he'd like to be work friends / at least have friendly interactions at work, might be a bit desperate for such positive social interactions, especially in this environment where he thinks the "objectively" good thing about him is most relevant, but it's cringe & fail (&/or vulnerable to Attack) to outright Want something, like validation / affirmation / a positive response or a simple "yeah you're right" "positive" response

first Space Shirt, followed by ones that are like, also &/Or Sci Fi Shirts. does he like space? i guess so

he's autistic

4x08

here & in 4x11, we don't know how he's gotten this info about taylor re: the arc w/their dad or with axe cap, but he's apparently mused on it on his own like this & isn't just quoting what someone else told him about how taylor must feel about xyz & how that might apply to the situations at hand, even though (unless he cassandra'd it) he wouldn't've had that much cause to suppose it'd definitely be relevant to have ideas about how taylor feels / is navigating a situation & why, maybe he just likes to be prepared like that / stay in the loop but yknow, maybe he's just also interested in them as a person beyond what's most immediately relevant to him doing quant stuff for them

he's already done the sort of kicking himself / wincing / apologizing or agreeing he fucked up an exchange thing before but, the genuine disappointment / momentary discouragement in it always lol....self loathing guy

love how he has these little like, clarifying explanations of things. "total control of the instrument," "always seeing the future," "because i win".....he's out here wanting to communicate to connect & to be understood, not so much as a potential for a power play / status climb and thus a conflict.....can see ppl who are used to / Do see interactions in that light to interpret winston yelling about having won as a like, rubbing it in people's faces show of superiority thing, but pretty sure he's just excited and wants a high five

4x11

having talked about the fact none of the desks in the tmc hq main floor seem to be winston's (& knowing that Could just be wroland not being reliably available to be in the bg of shots lol, analyzing s4 shots for some Consistently Empty desk) but it is fun to also consider that maybe tmc Could've had a secret extension in that that quant haunt in the basement was kept. a little more furnishing and it could be pretty chill, even though the lack of windows might not always be ideal. where's he sit!

also the whole "guy who'd be the first one smothered" moment like, guess i could've mentioned it in 3x03 more but yeah my Headcanon here is that winston maybe has a master's degree, not a phd though (him saying "50 phds" in 3x11 i think was meant to differentiate from him on both points, aka he's 1 guy, without a phd) & this is his first "real" job in any field. b/c i'm guessing like, people are here to get Paid, but as mentioned w/the watch (& just how winston acts in general, he doesn't really seem like he's raring to show off / really take advantage of having money or anything) it doesn't seem like he's, like, the "exceptionally focusing on personally making as much as possible" guy, and lauren's remark seems to emphasize / place the context on winston just not having like, savings from prior salaried years at a job or anything, more of a practical matter, maybe he's out here hoping for some more financial security, also they are all living in nyc, so. on that note, maybe he has an okay apartment but like, not without problems / not absolutely ideal, but it's okay. this would just be Convenient as an hc also lol

don't think the monologue was completely memorized, but it wasn't completely off the cuff either, he'd maybe been brainstorming scripts in his head / had some particular parts solidified word for word, but also hardly think he was guaranteed planning to deliver an admonishlogue at all, seems like it was some important factors that he was just kind of already irritated, nobody was listening / people Were social pressuring him to drop it or not interested in entertaining like "yeah i think you should talk to taylor about it" at all, think it was clear that talking to others was only going to lead to them telling him to drop it / trying to not have anyone say anything to taylor, and then that taylor just jumped in, which i hardly think he was hoping for

always Something that we can expressly see winston moving to sit down in that soon to be empty meeting room as everyone else is clearly filing out lol, like, can see how he might not be able to go "well, back to work" immediately and need some irritation / feeling like shit / guess who just got yeeellllllllllled aaaaaat to burn off, might need some time to absorb "well i guess i just deferred so no bonus as was probably expected," but can also suppose that maybe when winston gets majorly Shut Down he has shutdowns. saying all of four words in the wake of things, otherwise the fact he has this approach of tensing up, not talking at all, kind of just holding onto eye contact as his last way of "properly" participating in the exchange w/o bailing entirely, while also outwardly withering, like clearly these kinds of moments are pretty significantly affecting....feels like he could find it difficult to talk much, or at all, in the wake of some / need some time to recuperate a bit & have some distance & quiet & not just jump back into work like he's having a fine and normal time. sometimes pondering like, not only those notions like taylor insisting winston not be Interrupted when he hasn't technically started talking yet (giving him the buffering / latency time) but also like, fun kinda imagining them sitting across from each other having a texting conversation....or times winston would rather have an exchange via email......or make use of the sticky notes......or just have taylor talking to him and picking up on his nonverbal responses

winston's very Not present in tmc meetups / get togethers this season & again we know that this could be because his actor wasn't very available but it's still the case In Canon that there's only so many tmcers and they're all seeing each other outside work / market hours for varyingly formal or informal purposes & he's never included. & simultaneously hold the hc's that he could be choosing not to go or he could just never be invited in the first place l o l.....in either of these situations the reason for declining to go or being excluded could be up to "b/c other ppl don't like having him around" and idk, best case scenario is he doesn't want to go for some other reason, but he acts pretty okay with the All Hands meetups we do see / when in meetings with the other named employees he's pretty raring to interact with them, so :/

4x12

i do like to think it's fun to imagine What If Taylor Had A Phonecall With Winston Before This Monologue; someone once told me that explaining is an admission of failure, i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart.....just them both having a more sympathetic approach with each other and a sort of dialed back reconciliation, tbt 3x09, without an audience / roomful of other people

do think that his wearing a tmc logo tee into axe cap hq was a deliberate Statement Piece, like wearing flipflops into axe cap in his true first time being there lol

first time we see the backpack, & the headphones (in this season), like the point you (nothingunrealistic) made about the backpack possibly kind of exerting pressure / compression in a Sensory Way. let's see it again

as good a time as any to bring up how it's such a consistent pattern that it Must be a choice that winston smiles in this direction :/ and grimaces / winces / frowns this way :\ but a choice of the actor of course, was it ever a conscious thing on winston's end, would not put it beyond the realm of possibility he's ever consciously thought of stuff like "even if words fail me(tm) i Gotta hang on to eye contact".....i'm thinking of times he is smiling hard enough that you just gotta do it more symmetrically, like here in 4x12

5x01

he likes bagels

think that this could've been another case of "people who are used to interactions used for conflict / power plays / stepping on other people to status climb (axe cappers in general, maybe team ben having to be extra prone to be on the lookout for these strategies when they're more often on the receiving end of them) misinterpreting winston socializing as means of connection (wanting to talk about the common work thread / interest with coworkers)"

even if for some reason quants were cold shouldering axe cappers like, a sound strategy even if team ben are worthy exceptions. Winston Can Get Petty When People Blame Quants Talking About Being Quants For Axe Cappers Harassing Tmc & also when in the process of doing so everyone's like "also you're smarter than us but no you're not, any math quants could do fundamental analysts could do better" like, winston getting more deliberately antagonistic when ppl are going after his Math Aptitude / value as a quant when that's his "objective" point of pride & confidence & possibly like haha self loathing can't get me here

5x02

winston's decimal points being more precise here i think indicates that the show is not taking the stance of "yeah the quants are just any old analysts with an attitude of superiority" lol

do think he selected that particular seating placement b/c it's like, hey furthest away from axe cap, most aligned with taylor's desk & angled towards it, perfect.....what a letdown

guess this episode suggests he and mafee have chats sometimes, and winston maybe confides At All Sensitive Info w/the guy? bold

always just smh like well thank god we were given this subplot where winston was a plot device really for dollar bill's arc or whatever............what a gift

5x03

just noticing as always how winston is the one person saying they should go for it vs the other two's skepticism / trepidation, and taylor decides to go for it.....they do value his input / trust his judgment

i am also noticing how often winston, as the math guy who doesn't really fit in w/ the whole axe / caply approach & style, has this role in giving taylor these crucial opportunities to pursue their own direction rather than be mired down in the misery of axe cap determining everything....3x11 & his algorithm letting them break completely away from axe cap, 4x11 & his admonishlogue making some Points & then next episode taylor does decide to abandon the revenge jag & says they were wrong & they're sorry....5x03 & this nlp strategy plotline being the first thing taylor could actively pursue for tmc after 2 eps of being dragged painfully through axe cap nonsense, & the fact this, in the next episode, leads to the Impact Fund idea / mase carb

5x04

see that last point

5x05

guess that until confirmed, The Glances being significant is a Headcanon Interpretation lol. anyways i do like taylor giving him these discreet, nonverbal cues as a very deliberate method of communication titrated betwixt them

oh right and an Age Cue here, before that was nailed down i think i already hc'd winston as either the same age as, or a year older than taylor, and that's still true lol, think that's how it goes with the timelines (taylor's being kinda uncertain, and winston's as well, having prior just kinda gone "well if taylor's 22 when they show up as the typical post undergrad age, and each season spans approx a year, and maybe winston spent just a year or two post undergrad getting a master's b/c nothing nails down how long it would take & he could've kinda been ahead of the curve as it were, he could be, say, 23 thru 25 in s3 when he shows up, to taylor's Maybe 23" as the Idea)

just wants to work for taylor as long as they'll have him, but would also like to be openly valued / affirmed on a pretty basic level lol...

one of those matters that's like, i do think that this is what the material is Trying to convey but it's not concrete / explicit, in that i think winston somewhat Likes rian right off lol like. i mean he's also still annoyed on principle, this is maybe his replacement & that stings that it's even a possibility & of course he has reason to want to feel like "oh well this person Clearly sucks" lol, but then there he is trying to scope out the situation & get immediate intel & it's like, here's this fellow 20something you immediately think is pretty (the mental comparison to an A lister as a dunk, lmao) & you see her being perfectly friendly with your nice coworker you're also friendly enough with, that's one degree of separation, now here he comes talking about how cool & epic & smart & capable she is, again makes sense he's still first & foremost bothered by the situation & has cause to just be more jealous about how well everyone immediately thinks of her (see: winston making bad first impressions that may never be undone, the fact other coworkers were probably never going around openly impressed with / praising him after meeting him for 5 sec, or like, ever) but i suppose this immediate underlying sense of attraction / affinity hits in that First Sighting as well

love that we see the feet up on the desk show of confidence again, very funny & glad it's back.....a tool in his arsenal for when he's Very Bothered But (unsuccessfully) Acting Very Unbothered / when he's trying to pitch for his employment lol

when did he have a first gf? perfect time for an hc.....feels like it'd have been like, idk, older high schoolers at the youngest, that kind of emotional commentary....or in college. sometimes pondering the idea like, what if he had a bf first actually.....or not, & Feeling A Way around other guys sometimes like, hmm guess i think this guy is pretty cool &/or i'm kinda like "god i wish that were me" about, then some more noticeable Tension as he's older even if he can't really discern the reason b/c this person's pretty nice & cool actually, hmm. then one day you're doing hw together with a while for code to compile & Oh Hey Lol

meanwhile think clearly rian defuses the Reason For Rivalry (and also clearly immediately likes him / interacting with him & you know, outright sticks up for him & in this significant way) & then when they connect over Math it's all coming together very outright like Oh Hey Lol 😳

also he Gets Right Back To Work easily enough, & like, i think already there's a deliberate performance of "i'm now totally unbothered," but he's just pretty good at shaking things off apparently. & he kind of has to be, to not bail completely or else tamp down his own personality / avoid interactions, but you know. plus that like, he may get irritated when his pride's wounded but around here people can have a whole crisis & arc about it if their egos are bruised in the slightest, so like. pretty blasé

5x06

this isn't really any hc or Interpretation by any stretch but this is the first time we've seen winston pull that particular attitude in that second scene with rian and it's beautiful.....if something's bothering him he's so often like outright indignant but this is like, i'm Bothered but i'm being so dignant about it, for like 4 sec

also the bright green hoodie / bright, high contrast, geometric blockbuster tee is so Vivid but like, always noting how he wears relatively colorful outfits. fun to go "maybe this one's deliberately extra eye catching b/c of this new crush" lol

5x07

the difficulty in reading that much into things when the lack of sobriety could be making any & everything an outlier, & can't even really read into "apparently down to take stimulants (beyond caffeine) on a dime" b/c well, so is everyone else, so that this situation can unfold, we knew he had a crush on rian (or i guess we didn't, but this is pretty direct about it), we knew he likes validation, taylor Knows him well enough that it's not just like "oh he's acting weird? well that's winston for you" to them, which we also knew but it's fun to confirm further lol

and now for some more free floating / general concepts

family? i have no idea. feel like he either has no siblings or several but yknow, anything's possible. we know what he's like Now, don't think he got that solid self esteem / self confidence as an emergent quality from [everything that happened to him before 3x03] & don't suppose he has this like, rock solid close warm familial relationship of understanding & unconditional love & support w/whoever he grew up with, parents or siblings or whoever he lived with....like, the relationship/s could be Fine but you know, still not all that close

i don't think he was every completely friendless (or if he was, it didn't last Too long) in terms of like, throughout school maybe he had some pals, no amazing close [fingers crossed Like That] ones where someone had like, grown up as his next door bestie and they did everything together & knew everything about each other, nothing all that close, but he had people to sit with at lunch or what have you, even if at times like, the table nobody else really sits at but the people who don't have anywhere else to sit lmao. maybe some slightly closer friendships here & there, but people often kind of got subsumed into other friend groups that he wasn't otherwise a part of / otherwise just kind of gradually distanced again...but also possible he had perfectly amicable occasions of like, maybe only having a class or two with certain people, not striking up intimate friendships but hitting it off well enough.........like, winston's out here Not having been stomped down into suppressing his personality all the time, he's still fairly earnest & forthcoming & eager to connect, just sort of vaguely going for "he maybe have always had this element of discouragement & disappointment re: socializing / connecting / forming relationships / sometimes just being accepted on a basic level, but he also didn't have his spirit totally extinguished either" although there's also the room for stuff like, yknow, him Holding Out Hope like "well nobody likes me now / i'm unhappy but maybe once i'm in college [gets to college & still isn't having a great time] okay well once i Enter The Workforce" lol. you know

but it's also like, hardly think he's Only Just Now experiencing the [winston: ___ everyone: get his ass] type stuff & pushback & punishment & disdain over not really doing anything but people hate his style & vibe, & feel like there's also still room for like, yep wow got burned sometimes / having had some pretty negative experiences......we do have to end up in this place where, you know, 3x03 happens and he doesn't just go "guess finance isn't for me!" & dust himself off & go get some Guarantees from some tech firms, & instead he's Really Glad [Taylor] Called & hasn't taken some other more desired job between 3x03 & that call & is immediately like "good news: i do hate myself" so like, can't see him having just thrived his way to this point....evidently not all dating relationships have been just epic highs & victories, maybe he has those math meetup pals now & maybe idk there's other people he's in sort of in contact with, maybe people from college / grad school or the like, still not that close, figure he's generally been lonely like, overall, despite regularly enough seeking out / striving for connections

oh yeah speaking of, the idea that he has a cat maybe lol, in part simply for company, a little guy that lives in your house / apartment....but also maybe he doesn't

always just some general notions like, also idk maybe he engages in hobbies, talks to people through that just like with math meetup....talked about the Embroidery idea, got that computers/programming connection, was thinking like, idk fuck it amateur photography, develop your own film, maybe he took a class in college or high school or something, same with like, maybe he plays a musical instrument, said "the cello, why not" about that as an early [shrug] idea lol. he does like space, maybe he does Anything with that....rip to any astronomy clubs In Nyc like, guess you're not seeing shit, but. 4x11 au, after deferring his bonus he goes to some cool cinematographic celestial occasion like taylor & the sea glass fish carousel lmao. taylor catches up & they have their [i'm sure you remember, i was on the phone with you, sweetheart] exchange lol.....except also not, b/c you wouldn't really want to have Parallels with m/any moments ft. wendy & taylor :/

recalled like a particularly casual / throwaway idea about like "lol what if he was somewhat thalassophobic" in part b/c once actor william dropped that lore abt himself in an interview, but. could have somewhat some other phobia/s. or not really any! what a world

maybe sometimes he's out here like, single & ready to Fuck like, focusing on just hooking up w/people sometimes rather than really looking to date at the juncture, although it could both be true like, he'd Like to be dating but also doesn't really currently want to do all the Putting Himself Out There & such of seeking it out / trying to consciously navigate it, but sometimes it's more manageable like, just wanting to have sex. looking out for himself when he can & how he can lol

speaking of, some vague sexy hcs

gets pegged

especial fan of Tongue Against Tongue texture, enjoys some Grounding elements to avoid being overwhelmed / narrow things to the more relevant sensory input at hand, like the weight/pressure of a partner leaning / lying against him / holding him tightly, if he's overwhelmed in a good way / kinda got some sensory overflow in a good way he might cry during sex In A Good Way lol, took some time maybe in his Personal Sexual Experience to figure out some general differences in "what he doesn't like at all" or "what's off the table / too unpleasant for him at some times but Not necessarily at all times & might be completely enjoyable sometimes," like, am i willing to perform oral sex, am i willing & Enthusiastically so, is that way too much actually, it can be all of them at varying times....maybe in more everyday general situations he refrains from stims in front of others unless stressed enough, but while having sex with someone especially if at all nervous it's like, there can be this transition between repressing stims & being more unfiltered / uninhibited where they kind of build up & then come through in kicks only to be reined back in, either like, he simply does go for a more reined in approach the whole time or anyone else is willing to ride this out with him / he kind of has the time & space to figure out more of a flow, in which case he might still stim but you know, not as though people aren't used to stims in this situation, i.e. reacting to stimulation with movement & vocalization is at least expected & it could once again be like "well he's a bit weird with it but hey" lol or you know, not that some partners can't be understanding or have had experience w/similar partners. hardly make or break but this can be a vulnerable interaction here / hard to shake the self consciousness & sense of "i Do have to filter myself and act The Right Way" all at once just b/c you'd want to

hey and let him sing karaoke or something lmao, winston is as Dramatic as he is, he would give a performance. work in a way to let everyone who sings sing around lol, could throw in some Affectations so that it's like yeah winston can sing without having to be like "wow winston, when'd you become a trained broadway performer" lmao. imagine. which reminds me of the time will joked about like, oh yeah winston Gets That A Lot re: people recognizing he looks like the guy in deh, aka will roland....the limitations of "this is set in real nyc" including occasional references to recent / popular shows, fuck it maybe will roland does also exist in the billions universe. well anyways it would be fun. the karaoke anyways, and that he'd give a top tier Performance whether or not people are first and foremost enjoying his technical / artistic skill at the art of singing, it'd at least be personality infused and engaging

taking it way back to the ideas about winston's social misadventures in general, i'm sometimes considering for fics i never end up writing if he might have some like, misgivings / anxieties about like, is this person i Like acting like they maybe Like me back as some kind of elaborate joke, & maybe the caution comes from experience like you know, classic over the line "pranks" like asked out As A Joke, kissed As A Dare that he wasn't aware of, think there could be like, would be Friendship / friendly acquaintanceship experiences in there where such "pranks" / "jokes" / "messing with him" (and not in a good way) could happen, or even just you know, more Spontaneously, don't even know this person & he's treated as a joke for other ppl's entertainment, realizing at the time or retrospectively like oh maybe i was more being bullied then having any positive social interaction / getting to feel at least "included" or what have you, like, the idea of getting to hang out with a group as The Funny Guy, but he's had these experiences getting to hang out with a group & realize it's b/c they thought he was funny / Amusing in a laughing At him, not with him way, which is easy also b/c winston isn't really out here trying to be funny that we've seen lol. only realizing he was still being excluded after some time / distance from the situation, or escalating open hostility / just more blatant meanness / over the line shit from some people, maybe some stuff that just immediately feels shitty but he figured was just like, well idk, maybe that's normal & still friendly, maybe it also felt more outright embarrassing / demeaning at the time but it's like haha yeah you got me :'] at the time just to save any face lol.....possible unexpected / spontaneous amicability in his socializing history, but also shittiness, whether it's coming at him all at once or he's kind of holding out hope like, well, i just keep at it / have a Friendly attitude here and surely i'll make friends b/c if people didn't like me At All why are they talking to me / letting me be here at all.....

always kind of pondering Fashion Variation, we haven't seen it but it could be possible, musing on "what would he think Looks Good On Him / how does he feel capable of like, dressing for romantic success or what have you lol" like, was the vivid 5x06 outfit anything, cue the drawing like, a bralette & short shorts is shaking it up and could be a Felt Cute outfit and could also be comfortable enough....not always That much room in men's(tm) fashion before you start having to be aware of [Gender] and dunno that winston out here has had the inspiration / motivation / opportunity to consider / try out / explore but hey. what are we here for

just remembered that post like "uhh i just saw a guy crying in the library & then his phone alarm went off & he stopped crying, opened his laptop & started typing / it's called time management" lmao like winston's not out here having the Most amazing time, he could have such Time Management experiences of like, letting it out some on purpose but then reining it right back in, and/or just like some spontaneous paroxysms of crying for a minute or two more unexpectedly in a "do you ever [experience a tiny inconvenience] & realize the thread by which you're hanging on is quite thin" way or otherwise, you know, oops experienced this frustration & now i'm crying over it, or idk, just feeling a bit more vulnerable for whatever reason & something has unexpectedly plucked some emotional string attached to another string attached to another & the resonance = i'm crying now ig. he can't be Thriving out here & i don't think he's all about having such a stranglehold on emotions that he's like oh tf i Never cry (aside from having sex, in a good way)

although speaking of like, emotional repression, maybe he's out here just "good at" compartmentalizing some experiences lol in that "well anyways, back to work" way & stuff like, sure he knew he was risking it in 4x11 but it also did not seem to affect his dynamic with mafee at all lmao like wow.....

think that him not really having anything on his work desk is a choice / preference but also am not sure that that really applies to anything else lmao. what if he had a little plant. that'd be funny

oh yeah and the idea that winston might literally have like prophetic dreams & they're just kind of a nuisance to him but sometimes they can be plot devices in fics (that don't exist) about him kissing people

well i'm just calling it a night there lol but like, it always feels Lacking writing out hc's like, plenty of ideas but also hardly any, and yet the fact that other individual ideas are so Vague / casual that it wouldn't be like "oh i gotta share this via post or manifesting it some other way" so then it feels like, oh no, if i don't list absolutely Everything on something that's specifically a list of hc's, i can never talk about whatever gets left out......and just that like, i ought to have a bunch of really specific, concrete, unique Factoids about winston here to be of any interest but hey lmao. that hypothetical set of concepts is never gonna happen, & the Ultimate Comprehensive List Of Everything I've Ever Pondered Re: Winston is also going to be difficult lmfao (not as though that's what you've asked in the first place) but you know, we took a swing at things here & covered some ground & the thinking about & talking about winston never ends, & this isn't really a post meant to have broad appeal / if you're not already having fun reading vague musings about the quant then i'm sorry you're reading this after having read all that and gone "wow, i'm disappointed" lmao but hey, weird choices made to bring you to this point......also god knows plenty of hcs are more filed away under specific like [Tayston], [Benston], [Riawin] sort of things (lol, [Mafon]) b/c on the one hand, i find it easier to kind of think in Scenarios and the details particular to the "scenes" therein, but i am also not good at thinking of those scenarios! out here operating on vibes, he's autistic and wants to kiss taylor (also now rian but that's kinda right in canon, not just my head) and that's really the crucial info here

[sobdasha]

i’ve been rereading a lot of my favorite stuff for months now

since I'm lacking in spoons for library trips

And when I was cottoning on to the fact that I have, in fact, been autistic all along, one of the things I realized is that the connecting thread between the kinds of stories and kinds of characters that I like is in fact that they display autistic or autistic-adjacent traits. I had realized this, come up with a lot of examples. I knew this.

Haha yeah as I'm actually rereading the things the evidence is damning that I did not come even close to understanding the full depth of it.

~ Taucris Ithesta is Autistic and Other Adjacent Things re: Leckie's Novels ~

Actually let's start with The Raven Tower because you can't actually argue with me about autistic Siat.

Siat actively avoids eye contact, is """shy""", speaks too softly, has an excellent grasp of humor, likes rocks as a special interest, likes to collect rocks, likes to sort rocks, likes to line up rocks, has one (1) bff to conduct social interactions for her, notices patterns, is good at learning, and is considered disabled by society's standards.

Ughhhhh all that talk about rocks makes me sad all over again that I pitched my rock collection when I moved out (I saved the best fossils, though).

(ETA: I have since bought more rocks because polished gemstones with carvings on them make for great stims, I am very pleased with me)

Okay so now that that's been established, let's talk about Strength and Patience of the Hill.

Because this rock gets me. Originally I figured it was probably, y'know, like with Ancillary Justice Leckie's given me an ace-aro main character and I can identify with that as an ace-aro. But unlike Breq, who very much loves people and wants to take care of them and found family etc, Strength and Patience of the Hill doesn't give much of a shit about people. With some exceptions of people that are it's people, how dare you mess with them, Strength and Patience of the Hill will kick your ass. Although even then I'm not sure Strength and Patience is all that great at taking care of people. Also Strength and Patience of the Hill is very much absorbed in its own selfishness, very much consumed with his own internal world, and I am also a jerk like that so it was very relatable.

(Yes I am using multiple pronouns because one of my many favorite parts of the book signing was watching everyone scramble over pronouns for a rock because "It never came up so I never figured it out" and I'm pretty sure Strength and Patience doesn't even use pronouns because why would you need a gendered pronoun to refer to yourself??? You don't even need a name to refer to yourself, actually I'm pretty sure Strength and Patience doesn't actually consider itself to have a name.)

So it made sense that this rock just really gets me. I know it's bad when the majority of representation for ace-aro characters is stereotypical robots or rocks or aliens (oooh or sentient space rocks wait wAIT now that I've said that I've just realized the Myriad is the definition of a Crystal Gem, pffft) or whatever but honestly I don't care because I just really identify with the robots??? So I really liked it, YMMV.

(It's probably also bad if the trend for autistically-coded characters is just stereotypical robots or rocks or aliens or whatever too but like honestly a big autistic #mood is feeling like you are a robot or an alien or whatever so maybe that's why I'm not offended???)

My point being that Strength and Patience of the Hill displays a lot of autistic traits and is therefore very relatable, in this Ted Talk I will.

Strength and Patience of the Hill processes things slowly. She will come up with the perfect retort and tell you 5 years later with absolutely no context.

It loves daydreaming, staring at things, noticing patterns, and enjoying quiet and solitude. It loves thinking about why things are the way they are. Look I have fantasized about what if I could exist as just a pair of eyeballs and a mind floating around in space, observing things, thinking things, and not having to actually interact with the world, and I'm pretty sure this rock is living that life. (Until y'know it gets told life doesn't work like that.)

Despite his slow processing speed, and taking a while to learn language, Strength and Patience of the Hill is good at learning things, and I feel like it's the kind of sort-of-sideways, context-based accumulation of knowledge that I learn through as well.

Strength and Patience of the Hill has one (1) friend, and through the Myriad it benefits from the fact that the Myriad has an actual social circle, without having to put forth any effort of maintaining friends on its own, which is 100% the way to do it.

Strength and Patience of the Hill tends to attract the other "quirky" kids--that is, my impression is that the people who become his priests tend to be those people who look at the world a little differently, those people on the fringes. Trans people, autistic people, people with other disabilities.

Strength and Patience of the Hill trying to explain the state of affairs in Vastai to Eolo: "Okay so my first memory I can recall is…" No, okay, no, I know, it's just literally how the narrative has to be told, I'm not criticizing, but that doesn't make it any less reminiscent of "autistic person trying to explain a simple thing but starts in with 10 pages of context first to ensure the over-explanation makes sense" (haha that's why I consistently got stuck training endless new hires, I'm literally so bad at it that I'm the best in the department and I hate life).

Difficulty understanding other's feelings/points of view/circumstances (I know it's because he's a rock and a god but that doesn't make it any less relatable), hmmm what else…

Oh right, a typical interaction with Strength and Patience of the Hill:

Person: (gives offering) Strength and Patience: (offering is accepted because the transaction literally occurred, no need to respond) Person: "(asks petition)" Strength and Patience: ... Strength and Patience: wait Strength and Patience: what Strength and Patience: wait was I supposed to do something else Strength and Patience: did you ask something of me? Strength and Patience: I don't understand what you asked????? Strength and Patience: it's been an entire year now it's too awkward Strength and Patience: i'm sure it's. Fine. Strength and Patience: It's fine. (rinse and repeat)

Like I said, this rock gets me.

(Haha I was reading through my notes from the book signing and I found "Strength + Patience doesn't give a shit about balance, Strength + Patience is just selfish, which it manifests as apathy, which is why this rock gets me. All of my best interpersonal traits also spring from not giving a fuck and waiting ppl to go away faster lol" and why is that, oh because ~I'm~ ~autistic~ pfffft)

I started this post a while ago and this was as far as I got and I don't remember if I had more??? Time to talk about Taucris probably!!!

(I'm skipping Ancillary Justice etc for now because I do want to make a post about that but like there's just. So much. In those books. It's masking all the way down. So it can be its own post. One day.)

Because I waited so long I forgot what I was going to write so I'll just grab the book and flip through and comment as I see things.

To start off with: Taucris and adulthood. I've seen other people pick up primarily on the gender aspect of it--that Taucris waited until almost 25 to take her adult name because she she never figured out what her gender was (non- uhhhhhh what's the word for binary when it's three and not two? Non-tri-something Taucris in a society with 3 options but all 3 options are gendered? I'll go with that.) What really resonated for me was that Taucris waited until almost 25 to take her adult name because she never felt like an adult. And I get that ~everyone feels that way~ but I feel like it's Different for Taucris in the same way it's Different for me. Anyway I feel like no matter which aspect you choose, it's probably an autistic vibe.

Also Taucris seems to have a bit of a flat affect? She seems very serious (both in body language and in speech), and kind of intense sometimes when she talks, and Ingray notes how Taucris usually doesn't smile (she smiles with Ingray because Ingray makes her comfortable) and has always been """shy""".

Also Taucris...talks strangely? I am not sure exactly how to explain it. It's not written badly or anything, it's...you know how sometimes you suddenly sit back and look at dialogue and go no one speaks like this and it throws you out of the story because you dropped your suspension of disbelief? Taucris kind of gives me that feeling, and only Taucris. Almost like her speech is a little bit stilted? Awkward? She's very serious and matter of fact and says things like "You've always been so kind to me" with a straight face. But it doesn't feel like a """bad writing""" (quotation marks for subjectivity) thing. But I notice it every time I read her dialogue… I think it's just that Taucris is autistic and awkward and that's how she speaks. Also I think she's adorable.

Police work is Taucris' special interest. So much so that that's the entire reason she became an adult, so she could engage in her special interest better. She's ~weird~ for her single-minded interest and her interest in a job below her ~status~ and she doesn't care, she set her heart on this anyway, volunteering and interning so on.

Oh that was something else I was going to talk about--Taucris mentions feeling like she doesn't have her shit together, not like Ingray (who also doesn't feel she has her shit together. Kind of like "no one really feels like an adult). But Taucris seems quite calm and capable in Planetary Security. I don't know if this is just masking, but...I really hope that she does feel that way in her job. That because it's her special interest, that helps balance out the stress of being alive and simultaneously employed full-time. That because she's been volunteering and interning here so long, she's been familiar with the office and it wasn't a stressful transition. That she acts confident because she feels competent and respected. Taucris may look calm and cool and collected on the outside and be screaming on the inside but I hope she actually feels pretty good on the inside too.

I would also like to say that I like Taucris' nother. Despite what Danach implies, I get the picture from Taucris that e is supportive of Taucris' personality and interests even when e doesn't get it. E indulged her interest in police work, e didn't understand why Taucris wasn't taking an adult name but tried to be patient about it...so I assume that also means that e was understanding of all of Taucris quirks and stims and particularities. E's been a good support system while Taucris' peers have not.

(Except for Ingray, Taucris' one (1) friend.)

I like Taucris' relationship with Deputy Chief Veret too--the way Taucris quietly manages breakfast so e doesn't have to think about it or be put out (this is The Love Language to me, not being inconvenienced, and I feel that this is part of my personality because my personality is autistic, so). I don't know why specifically Taucris does this, but all the reasons I could come up with feel very wholesome. Taucris respects Veret as her boss and as a person. Taucris is empathetic and thoughtful (she doesn't like Danach but she tries to consider and understand where he's coming from; Taucris isn't Hatli but she considers Veret's fasting etc to be valid rather than a choice of superstition). Taucris' situation is different but she knows that it doesn't feel good to be treated as weird, to be sneered at because you don't act the way people expect you to. Taucris, being autistic, maybe has a lot of experience with "perfectly good foods" she won't eat. Taucris strikes me as someone who observes quietly, and considers carefully, and maybe takes a long time to make up her mind but when she moves it's deliberately and not carelessly. Which is, to me, a masking trait.

In the quantum version of this post I was going to write everything so polished and lay out my points so nicely but clearly that didn't happen and I don't know where to end this and I'm sure I didn't even explain things that well so I'll just say, I feel it was very autistic of Taucris in the last chapter to just be like "well IDK what you want from me and rather than expending massive effort trying to suss it out and guessing wrong I'll just be direct: I know you can't talk about what happened so I won't ask you about what happened unless you want me to ask you about what happened in which case you should say so and I will ask but I think maybe you just need to watch a movie with me instead."

[100-yardstare]

3? Always love a good rant 😊

3. rant. just do it

Oh shit, you wanna let me go off? Prepare yourself!!! (Remember kids, Tumblr does not replace therapy!!)

This post will also be a good opportunity for me to update my followers on what the hell has happened to me over the last year. So as Mario would say... HERE WE GOOOO

Okay so most of y’all might already know this story, but it impacted me a lot and I still get angry about it. I graduated from university after a shitload of trials and setbacks due to my adhd among other things, but I managed to push through academia and graduate with a bachelor of science in psychology. With this I had plans to stay in my field, but I also was an absolute idiot and had no idea what I was doing when it came to choosing. I just kinda picked job adds that suited a psychology degree and that’s it. I was desperate to find a job, as all recent graduates are.

Fast forward a few months, I land an interview with an organization I would come to refer as “the hellscape”. It was an ABA clinic. I wish I knew what that was before I took the job, because what you read about from actual autistic adults and their trauma is 100% true, and I am FURIOUS practitioners and insurance companies even promote it. I later found out the CEO wasn’t even a therapist, let alone held a degree in psychology, behavioral studies, or WHATEVER and was actually a fucking tattoo artist who jumped on the ABA bandwagon for money, but that’s another story.

So I was a newbie right out of college with no prior experience working in this field, and they hire me. That should have been an instant red flag. Their “training” was less than a three month thing, and if you didn’t make it three months, or they didn’t like you... YOU GOT FIRED. Guess what happened to me?? I got fired!!

Why? At first I thought it was because I wasn’t a good learner. Years of being in college pumped the idea into my psyche that I was a dumbass because of my ADHD, so I thought I was just an idiot. I came home from this place actually having traumatic based ptsd breakdowns (the BAD kind) because not only was I exposing myself to my phobias (*ahem* vomiting) but I was being told to ABUSE KIDS!! I got fired because I didn’t want to do what they wanted me to do!!! I could go into all the details, but if you want to ask me in a private message you can. To put it simply it was HORRIBLE, and I cry to this day what ABA does to kids. I don’t even want to hear people say shit like “not all ABA” because not only do these places guilt trip you into getting your kid and taking your money, but what they are doing is literally causing kids to grow up with ptsd!!! If you tell me “but kailey, it’s scientifically based” I’d say fuck off and reply “it’s also scientifically been shown that kids who are put in ABA therapy are at HIGH RISK of developing ptsd, and being abuse victims!”

The spring of 2019 was understandingly the WORST experience of my life, and from my wisdom I implore any of you going to college, whose about to graduate, to deeply research not only the company you are applying for, but what they do. The only lesson I got out of working there was that “normal” people hate autistic kids, and in extension adhd kids. They hate people like me. We are things that need to be “fixed” because our stems, hyperfixations, special interests etc. are “weird”. Absolutely no job is worth your mental health, and morals.

After this I went on for the next year and a half looking for another fulltime job. I thought because I got fired I would never be able to make anything of myself. The rest of 2019 sent me into a bad depression, which I’m still struggling with. It wasn’t until December of 2019 that I got an interview with Girl Scouts. I worked as a grunt, 10 dollars an hour, part-time outreach worker for 8 months from there, going to middle and high schools to talk to girls not only about girl scouts, but the importance of sisterhood, acceptance, love, mental health, physical health, and much more. My boss ended up being the kindest woman I’ve ever met professionally, and when the pandemic happened, and the outreach staff got laid off, she sent my name up to HR, and I got promoted as a Volunteer Manager, who oversees over 4 communities in the southern-Houston area, consisting of over well over 800 troop leaders, and community leader volunteers. I make a decent salary, and am getting benefits soon.

I absolutely believe that I went through all that shit so my eyes would be opened, and not only could I be a better ADHD ally to autistic individuals, but use my desire to help people of all backgrounds into opportunities that could potentially change their lives for the good. I have only been working as a manager for GS since early June, but I feel welcomed, supported, and appreciated by my coworkers, boss, and director of Volunteer Experience. On top of it, they care about our health, and I’m working from home. I was given a laptop and everything!

Things do turn around. It might not be how you imagined, but it will turn out how you need.

Send me an unusual(ish) ask <3

[chronicillnessmemes]

Hello! I had some questions on applying for SSDI and what those in my situation experience trying to be accepted and if it’s possible. I’m autistic, unofficially diagnosed and searching out an official diagnosis beforehand. I am very good at masking and socially seem completely apt in an interview setting or to people I don’t see often. I have a history with excessive meltdowns, including having an IEP, and taking minimal classes and half days in high school (resulting in an altered hs diploma). I spent most of my time in a private room in the counselors office, sometimes having to go home because the meltdowns wouldn’t stop. I recently was in my first full-time job for 8 months, which quickly resulted in lots of meltdowns, hindering my work, and got to a point I wasn’t able to show up for work/had to go home because I would have nonstop meltdowns with no calm or break, I was able to communicate and get accommodations and they understood, but nothing worked. It landed me in the hospital twice (for about a week each time). It never got manageable until I quit, after my second hospitalization that concluded it would be nearly impossible to work full time and not have this outcome, as it was what happened in high school, and now with this job, and anything similar. I was able to keep a part time job for over two years in which I worked maybe 15 hours a week at most, but I’ve never been able to participate in anything much more than that without having this problem. Under circumstances that I have an official diagnosis, and agreement from medical professionals that I am unable to work a full time job, what would this process look like, is my history substantial enough, and would it be possible. I’ve tried to search for similar experiences to know what to expect but can’t find anything and I’m very afraid of my future with this. I’m very young (20) and seem completely abled to those not close to me/haven’t seen me deal with sensitivities. I’m not sure if you have all the answers but if there’s a way to share this to people in the community, it would be very appreciated.

Admin J here. I am so out of commission right now.  So I am going to post this and hope our followers can help you out. 

But if you’ve only worked as little as you’ve said, I think you might need to apply for SSI, not SSDI.  SSDI is paid to you based on the amount of taxes you have paid into social security.  If you can find your social security statement, it will tell you how much you would be paid if you became disabled right now.  If that amount is less than $700, then I think you should consider looking into SSI.  (You also might be able to create an account on the social security website and access that information there.)

Either way, you should definitely speak to a disability lawyer.  They don’t charge you anything.  If they do decide to take on your case, they will get paid out of your backpay.  I have used this website before as a research tool.  I AM NOT RECOMMENDING that you hire anyone from this site.  I know absolutely nothing about them.  But their website answers a lot of questions and may be able to help you.

This is the info about how much a lawyer can charge you.  https://www.disabilitysecrets.com/question16.html

Again, I’m not feeling well so maybe I am reading this wrong about which disability you should be applying for.  If followers could jump in and help, that would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

(PS They mentioned that they live in New Hampshire, but I don’t think that makes a huge difference, since it’s a federal program?)

[donnerpartyofone]

#4

In 2018, with the help of some concerned and informed people in my life, I discovered that I’m probably pretty autistic. The driving factors were not what you might expect (I didn’t, anyway)--chiefly, a kind of persistent clumsiness, disorientation, organizational difficulty, trouble learning certain practical tasks--but it helped explain a lot of things about me that one might otherwise consider “quirks”. I had always taken for granted, for instance, that I have a lot of trouble recognizing faces, including ubiquitously famous actors, or members of my own family. I have also been accused from time to time of taking things “too literally” (to which I usually reply something like, “But this is literally what’s going on in reality, how does literalness make it dismissible?” I really don’t get it). Also, most typically, I have never liked being touched. “You’re just like Dave Letterman!” my dad chortles, an interpretation I don’t mind. I think it might also be pretty autistic of me to be so averse to family. I don’t have the slightest inclination toward maternity, which one could guess from the previous passages, but it’s more than neurosis. I know intellectually that people care about their families; the same way most people burst with pleasure at the sight of a baby, any baby, they also respond automatically to the very idea of blood relatives. As a kid, I was always baffled by the obsession other kids seemed to have with their cousins, or how in love they could be with their grandparents. In my world, you obsess over people to whom you have something to say; people who share your taste in art, your politics, your philosophies, your passions and phobias. I don’t understand relationships that are based on blood alone, on being trapped in the same place and time by virtue of pure circumstances.

Today, as my friends are all having babies one after another, I find myself strangely fascinated by them. Some of these people have struggled all their lives to find a sense of belonging or purpose, and having children has given them a sense of meaning beyond anything they previously hoped for. As someone who continuously struggles to find a sense of purpose, which I base exclusively on my intellectual and artistic pursuits, I’m amazed by the idea that I could potentially put all my existential confusion behind me if I were willing or able to become a mother. I can estimate how profound it must feel to create life, and then to become responsible for turning that life into something good. But, I remain unable to attach meaning to the idea of something being “a part of me” on a purely biological basis. I have insurmountable trouble thinking of my biological predecessors as being “where I come from” on the identity level. I can’t imagine being so sentimental about being an organism in a colony of like-organisms, not the way I am about people who have brought me experience and taught me to think.

So, even if I were without the mother-related trauma heretofore detailed, I still think there is something about who I am as a person, that would have made me recoil from my grandmother. My mother’s mother was the platonic ideal grandmother, a plump, pleasant old lady with a syrupy southern drawl who seemed to have stepped out of a cookie commercial. Excessively generous with money, food and affection, she presented as a person any family would welcome in their household. However, I always detected something oppressive about her. I was raised to be guiltily dutiful toward her, so as a child, I thought my suspicion and repulsion was just a problem with me. It must make me an asshole, that I don’t want her to hug me with her entire body for such a long time that I can’t figure out what’s going on anymore and I’m suffocating from the heat. I must be a dick, that I don’t want someone chasing me around, staring at me, posing me and jostling me like a baby, which I haven’t been for years. Maybe it was my problem, that I didn’t want her to burst into the bathroom and shriek with glee at the sight of me on the toilet trying to take a single solitary piss. Maybe I was just being a jerky teenager when I froze in horror while my grandmother sat next to me at the dinner table, gazing smolderingly into my eyes like a lover and caressing my hair non-verbally when I was perfectly capable of having a respectful adult conversation.

As I grew up a little more, I began to pick up on the fact that she drove both of my parents nuts. All of this motherly pageantry was incredibly manipulative, and really a way of controlling people. The creepy coddling I received as her granddaughter was really something she did to everyone. She was bright, incredibly shrewd really, a person whose hard work and frugality produced a self-made millionaire, though this didn’t reflect in her humble home. She was a dyed in the wool republican who was capable of watching the Daily Show with appropriate delight. Actually, she had a weird sadistic sense of humor; I always thought she got a little too much joy out of seeing little boys get smacked in the nuts by speeding baseballs on America’s Funniest Home Videos. That probably bothered me because of how she unforgettably screamed with laughter at my flinching when she took me to get my ears pierced. Everything indicated that, regardless of her age and conservatism, she wasn’t a vulnerable, senile old biddy, but a keenly intelligent woman very much in touch with the real world. This made it endlessly disturbing to me that she so insisted that everyone around her act like a little baby, adults and children alike, so she could rule us all as the ultimate mommy. Her aversion to grownup conversations and self-reliance was a way of forcing everyone into a Rockwellian time capsule in which everything was predictable and hygienic, in which mother knows best. Literally any admission of imperfection could trigger an outburst that would enslave everyone to the process of cheering her up. I recently heard a story about a Christmas visit during which she and her husband were lavishing attention on my brother as if I wasn’t even there. Concerned that I might be lonely, my father suggested that they include me in this play session. At this recommendation, my grandmother burst into hysterical tears, and my parents had to spend the rest of the night apologizing for accusing her of being neglectful.

Eventually, I learned little by little that she was more than just a prototypically clingy old lady with a keen talent for doling out guilt. It was a little weirder than that, and ultimately, a lot darker. First, there were the things I had heard about my mother’s life as her daughter. I remember a story my mother told about a birthday party that her mother threw for her when she was little, sometime in grade school I think. Her mother said that she had hired a gypsy woman to tell everyone’s fortunes, which was extremely exciting. A little carnival tent was set up in the back yard, and all the kids lined up to hear about their futures. When my mother’s turn came up, she walked in, only to find her mother in there in a turban talking with a corny accent, as if her own child wouldn’t know who she was--let alone any of her friends. My mother told this story to explain how embarrassing her mother was, but what I picked up from this was less a funny story about how parents traditionally humiliate their kids, and more like evidence that my grandmother’s identity is completely rooted in her position as an apex matriarch, well beyond anyone else’s intelligence or control.

The way she infantilized me was not an ordinary byproduct of having a grandchild, but something she did to everyone in her life, historically, up to and including my adult parents. She certainly continued to do it to me as an adult, and she insisted on a childish sort of positivity that I could barely muster. I thought, if she wants us to have a relationship, I should talk about my life, which sometimes includes complaints--or simply categorizing things as just-ok, or business as usual. Of course, she found this extremely irritating for some reason, and would pressure me to change my story with declarations like “YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SO MISERABLE!” One Christmas when I was really in a bind, I called to thank her for the holiday check she had sent me, saying that it gave me much-needed help in making my rent at that time. “Oh...well, I thought you would do something nice with it,” she said in a strange tone that let me know she was sort of angry with me for some reason. I had to sort of bend the truth into a story about some special treat I supposedly got myself in order to get her to cut it out.

A better example of what was really going on with her also had to do with Christmas. You know Christmas: If you’re a little kid, you get up at about four in the morning, you beeline for the tree and try to peak into the openings in the wrapping paper, you wake up your parents either by force or by the shockwaves coming off of your person, you all open presents together in a sleep-deprived daze, and you’re basically all back in bed by 10am. Well, this might happen with my mother, but once my grandmother was awake, a ritual began. First, she would get out her camera, and follow my mother back into the bedroom. There, my mother would get back into bed, and pretend to be asleep. Then my grandmother would take a picture of my mother “waking up.” Then, another picture of her theatrically delighted expression when she “remembers” that it’s Christmas. Then a picture of my mother entering the living room and exploding with joy when she sees the tree for “the first time”. Then pictures of the presents being opened, then etc...this whole completely artificial passion play of my grandmother’s little family having the perfect Christmas.

Much, much later, I would find out what all this debasement was probably really about. It had to do with my great aunt. I knew that this woman, who I have rarely ever met in my life, and her daughter both suffer from brutalizing clinical depression. The daughter actually has an electronic device in her brain that acts like a pacemaker for depressive episodes. I had never even heard of something like that before, but it made perfect sense to me that this person and I would be in the same gene pool. Naturally, though, my grandmother would not have found such a dour defect so sympathetic. My grandmother and her sister seemed to have some kind of amorphous feud going on. My grandmother complained relentlessly that her sister refused to spend enough time with her, and I usually thought about how unfair she was being to a woman who has had cancer multiple times, whose energy is leached away by depression, and whose daughter is also routinely sick and almost uncontrollably suicidal. Apparently there was a history of slights and passive aggressions between the two women, though none of it topped the thing I ultimately learned about their family. At some point in their lives, my long suffering great aunt admitted to her sister that she had been raped by their father. I never knew the man, but he was supposed to have been sort of a son of a bitch, and there were other reasons that this made all the sense in the world to me. I remembered a story about how, after he died, his daughters found years’ worth of private writing that he had produced. It sounded like they were really raunchy violent western stories, which my parents were naturally interested in seeing, until they discovered that my grandmother had burned it all. “It was PORNOGRAPHY!” she declared. It’s a little hard to tell whether she was simply appalled by this rather un-Rockwellian artistic deviance, or if she was especially bothered because she knew him to be real life predator. In any case, it would have been impossible to know, because when her sister confessed that their father had violated her, my grandmother basically gave her the finger. Or rather, she gave that whole upsetting topic the finger, and then insisted that her poor destroyed sister continue to be her faithful companion as if none of it had ever happened. “It’s so painful!” my grandmother cried when her sister refused her most recent invite to brunch, and it took everything in me not to say, “Yeah, well, can you think of any reasons by yourself why she might not be fucking dying to hang out with you all the time?”

So it became clear to me why my grandmother might be so controlling and belittling, why she might try to force everyone into a performance of endless childhood, why she might expel from her life anything that smacks of imperfection. It still remained very difficult for me to just suck it up and be what she wanted me to be, not so much because I’m especially proud of my personality--a personality that in every way would repel her if I were to reveal my private world of crime, horror movies, pornography, fetishism, occultism, anti-capitalist sentiment, and of course, suicidal ideation. I also had trouble being the granddaughter she needed because of this autism of mine; it doesn’t make any sense to me to dissimulate, I’ll never become a smooth enough liar to pretend to be somebody’s innocent little baby, even if it would benefit me to do so. Making things up makes no more sense to me, than it does for someone to say “I love you” without meaning “I’m impressed with your personality, your intelligence, your culture, your morality, your humor, your...” It doesn’t make sense to me for someone to say, “I don’t care who you are, I love you because you’re my baby.” I made my best efforts in her last years, but nothing will stop me from feeling guilty toward her for the rest of my life. The way that she died fucked me up so badly that I’m only beginning to realize it now.

[sol1056]

a bunch more asks waiting their turns so politely

These are all various asks about the likelihood of a remake, a rewritten season, or a spinoff. 

1 could we get an alternate version 2 is a rewrite for S8 a viable option 3 would they change the ending for a spin-off 4 are single-episode edits possible for S8 5 will S7 reactions affect S8 6 how will DW get us to watch S8

Behind the cut.

With the shitstorm that vld became, would dreamworks ever take pity on us and remake some seasons of voltron that turned out like crap, or not even air, just release them as alternate versions on dvd? Im questioning the possibilities, not the probabilities, bc Im really not optimistic about that, I just wanna know if a show can do that and what would it take for the company to snap their fingers and be like "lets do it" (besides having money)

It’s not like frequent reboots don’t have precedent in other franchises; hell, comics do it on the regular. It’s also much cheaper to do a series of graphic novels or full novelizations geared towards an older audience. The problem there is that Dreamworks isn’t a comic book company or a publishing house; that part of the franchise would have to be farmed out to someone else. 

My guess --- if another remake is ever a possible option --- it’d be several years down the road. The first version would be set aside as, say, the Y-7 version for kids and family, and then you’d find a new angle for the next version. 

If DW got the impression there was a massive older crowd (say, 25-45) who would’ve eaten up a more mature, somewhat darker, version? Sure, why not try to grab that audience? I mean, look at the Castlevania series: it’s not pulling any punches on making clear it’s for adults. That would also require a different business model, since what adults like to buy for themselves is very different than what kids want. Skip the cake toppers, for starters. 

do you think given the reaction to VLD S7, is a rewrite for S8 a viable option? I feel the fandom is divided about the general reaction to S7. If JDS and M can just [focus on the fanbase segment] that liked it, why [bother trying to fix it for those] that didn't?

Given what I’ve been seeing in terms of data from the season... I think they aimed to please everyone and ended up pleasing no one. 

Pretty sure I’ve said something to this extent before: when you can’t please everyone, the answer isn’t to split the difference and piss everyone off. The answer is to pick your audience and give them the best damn story you can. The rest will sort itself out.

Let me put it this way: there are enough people who didn’t like S7 for the crummy animation, the OOC dialogue and actions, and the nonsensical storyline overloaded with a host of new characters that stole time from the actual protagonists. And there are also enough people who didn’t like S7 for queerbaiting the audience, killing off three out of four queer characters, and sidelining the one remaining queer character. There may be some overlap between those two sets, but taken together, those two sets are pretty much the dominant majority of the fan base. 

I don’t know if that makes a rewrite a viable option, but it should be making a few execs think twice about letting the EPs/staff carry on in the same direction. I mean, you want a series to end on a high note, not an ‘omg that had such potential but boy did it self-destruct in the last two seasons’ note.  

So if DW wants to do a Voltron spin-off, would they consider changing the ending to VLD to give Shiro the things he earned so this spin-off wouldn't be dead out of the water?

That would depend entirely on whether they’ve gotten the message that Shiro’s current status isn’t good enough for a significant part of the fanbase. If all they’re hearing (or all they choose to hear) is that it’s great to sideline one of their protagonists with no in-story explanation whatsoever, what’s to tell them there’s anything that needs addressing?  

Additionally, if the entirety of the issue is Shiro --- and everyone else is just fine, thanks --- I’m not sure that’d rate as enough to warrant changing so much. More likely any spin-off would start some X length of time between, and we’d get an implied intermediary backstory (or even a mild retcon), and go from there. 

Truth is, whomever gets the spin-off will (I really hope) be a better writer and not have to deal with intrusive newbie EPs. Even then, they’d be kinda limited on what they could do, given the spin-off does need to make sense placed against the first series. Then again, VLD hasn’t respected its own premise or continuity for the past few seasons, anyway. 

So I guess there’s always the option to start with an episode that retells VLD’s ending... Kinda awkward, but not unheard of, to basically retcon a previous series out of existence.  

I have no doubt DW is looking into what went wrong with this season. I know it might be a little to late to fix all of Season 8, but do you think they would have at least maybe the last few episodes changed to give a better ending to the show - or at least more respect to Shiro as a character?

Normally I’d say no. I mean, episode 1 should have characters making choices that in turn impact episode 2, and those choices prompt the events in episode 3... but that’s a logic VLD threw out the window somewhere between S3 and S4, and it’s only gotten worse since then. 

In which case, oh sure, why not? It wouldn’t make any less sense than what they’ve already got planned, if S7 is any indication. 

Could the reaction to season 7 cause any change the execs minds going into season 8? 

One problem: this is a Dreamworks production, but it’s not a DW-owned story. It’s a franchise: there are other players involved. There are the two guys who first butchered GoLion into Voltron, Toei whose story got that embutcherment, Netflix as the distributor, along with Playmates and Lion Forge and other contracted partners. There’s a lot more people at the table than just DW. 

It’s one thing for the EPs to say they messed up, and apologize. It’s quite another for Dreamworks to admit publicly their lousy (or nonexistent) oversight allowed the situation to happen. 

Legal would have apoplexy, for starters. What wins you a franchise is often showing you have the confidence (if not sheer chutzpah) that you can do this job justice like no other. And then you hit S7 and must admit you hired people who made a complete hash of it? 

If there’s anything that will cost the EPs any future roles of a similar position, it’s that they’ve put DW in a very uncomfortable position. Caught between a furious fanbase and overly-interested co-owners, someone --- or several someones --- are treading very lightly right now. They’re not going to forget the EPs are the ones who precipitated the whole mess. 

I think we are in a unique situation where the fact that the EPs were vocal about [changing] VLD ... could be a blessing for us & DW. [But we know it] was changed, & DW's part seems to be more negligence than direct fault like the EPs. So DW can drop it or fix it, and a rewrite would be worth us sticking around, while restoring DW's name.

Again, that depends on whether DW is in a position that they can do so. I assure you they’d throw the EPs under the bus at the first opportunity, because that’s how the corporate world works. So their failure to do so is either because they don’t see the EPs’ actions as untenable (as far as we know), or because doing so would expose DW corporate to greater retaliation from elsewhere. (It could also be part of the agreement that these particular EPs are in place for the duration of the series’ production, too. Sometimes that happens.) 

I still can’t get over the fact that the EPs were so blunt about having already had a script fully written when they asked to revise. From the Studio Mir leaks, we can guess at least some of the animation was already in production at least a year ago, or earlier. That’s a lot to redo. 

Here’s something that only just occurred to me, when I listed the co-partners in this franchise: the Koplar brothers. These are the geniuses who figured they didn’t need to know Japanese to make GoLion into an american production; turns out they were geniuses on some level ‘cause it was a hit, anyway. They went on to produce Voltron: Fleet of Doom (1986), Voltron: the Third Dimension (1998), and Voltron Force (2011). If there is anyone at the table who’d be likely to have nostalgia goggles, it’d be the Koplars. This has been their ongoing story in one way or another for over 30 years. 

Originally, the EPs said they weren’t tied to nostalgia; they weren’t going to redo the story as it was, but the story as they remembered. (I’d argue this actually indicates a stronger set of nostalgia goggles, but eh.) Their determination to get rid of Shiro has always felt like nostalgia goggles to me. Perhaps the Koplars were the greatest supporters of Keith as BP --- since that would respect the pattern they’ve followed, over and over, in all the iterations. 

Considering the Koplar’s somewhat litigious background over Voltron ownership, they may’ve had the ability to overrule. So... if you want to bench Shiro, you pitch your work with the execs who are most likely to agree with you. And if you can do that in the window between the previous VP of TV retiring and a brand-new external hire coming on as VP... welp, you got permission, and the new VP may’ve signed off, not realizing the impact. 

Which would put DW over a barrel, in some ways. If DW could’ve overruled their partners, the EPs never would’ve been able to make that end-run in the first place. 

How do u think DW will try to get us to watch s8? They & the EPs have shattered our trust and the show is so messy its almost unsalvageable. 

Stay to see X point's resolution? Yeah, we stayed many seasons for nothing, next. 

We have more rep? Ex. blonde girl is autistic... So we should be scared for her too??? 

There's more queer rep? Yeah, we heard that one already. 

Unless everyone responsible is fired and a new crew runs the next seasons?

I don’t know. I would hope the answer is ‘by giving us a story that makes sense, and creates closure for all the protagonists, and not just by making two of them emotional rewards for two other characters.’ 

At this point, there is only one thing that’s going to make Dreamworks change course: if the fallout from VLD impacts its other projects. If the majority of the VLD fanbase up and announced it would be boycotting She-Ra or Fast & Furious or Trollhunters on the grounds that DW screwed up so badly with VLD that it cannot be trusted... Then you’d see movement. If the PR got so bad from so many upset and angry VLD fans that major news outlets paid attention and started writing articles about the situation, that would also put a black mark beside Dreamworks’ name -- and then you’d see movement. 

With the VLD toys a failure (for whatever mismanaged reasons) and a financial model set entirely on toys, fixing VLD now would be throwing good money after bad. Unless, of course, there’s an impact beyond just this single series. 

Until Dreamworks can see the impact in some concrete sense, they have far more to lose from their partners than they have to gain from their fanbase. It’s just how it is, with corporations in late capitalism. 

You want to make an impact? You tell Dreamworks ahead of time, and then you follow through: pick a week and go silent. Nothing about VLD, here or on twitter or anywhere else. No reblogs on She-Ra updates. Ignore the podcasts. Don’t click on the articles. That stuff’ll be there when the week is over, after all. Show DW what it’s like when a fanbase checks out, by doing it. It’s a short-term boycott, but the reason groups do boycotts is because they work. 

[silver-spider-art]

Borderlands Head Canons

Okay so I have horrible depression writer's block rn and have been replaying all the borderlands games while also daydreaming all the stories I want to tell with these characters. So I’m just going to write out my head canons for shits and giggles cuz I have a lot of thoughts.

Handsome Jack:

Jack is such a wild card. He’s an overgrown toddler and an impatient genius. Also sexy as hell and a problematic fave. I spend so much time playing the game sassing and back talking him (like he can fucking hear me) but I still adore him. And relistening to some of the dialog lines I’ve built up a variety of head canon and AU ideas for him. 

So canon vs fanon is a little squishy in my head but Moxxi claims his face is plastic surgery and I’m taking that to be more than the mask. He’s definitely ADHD and neurodivergent. Plus a good helping of PTSD and paranoia thanks to Grandma and trauma from his ex-wives. Those are all his starting points but he breaks into 3 categories based on Angel. Bad Dad, Okay Dad, and Good Dad.

Bad Dad is canon and tips the point of no return for Jack’s mental instability when Angel brutally (but accidentally) murders his wife/her mom. Afraid of his own daughter and horribly betrayed and without “the one good force” in his life, he starts down the path of ultimate Sheakspearian self-destruction. All relationships end tragically and he’s his own greatest enemy. As far as the wife goes, I’m 100% that she is on a pedestal in his head and while he can think no ill of her, the relationship wasn’t all roses. 

Okay Dad, in AUs this would be where however his wife died or was lost it didn’t result in his fearing Angel (I normally leave this idea for modern!AUs without Siren powers). He is still overprotective and “doing it for your own good” but without the torture or horrific manipulation. Because of this, while Angel might still resent or hate him, he still has something to live for and is capable of somewhat decent relationships. Still, he rather sucks at it and more often than not is self-destructive. (my fave for writing and reading)

Good Dad, this is a strange and mysterious creature that is nearly unheard of. So often this feels so out of place. So much would have to change to create a catalyst in his life for him to turn out healthy. I mostly see this as a redemption arch thing. Where he might be able to turn it around and make amends given the right people around him. 

The other thing I’ve been growing ever found of is trans!jack. He wears a ridiculous number of layers of clothing which is definitely hiding his soft gut, but I’m very fond of the idea that much of his bragging and defensiveness is overcompensation for his fear and trauma both from childhood abuse and gender. There is quite a bit in game dialog on the Jack vs John thing. For the trans!jack I’m actually loving the idea that when he came out and remade his life, he chose John and was hired in at Hyperion with them only knowing him as John. But as he got more comfortable with his new life (and Tassiter made him start hating his new name) he wanted to reclaim his birth name. That he’s always gone by the nickname Jack (born Jacqueline) and was now confident enough in presenting male (and helped by Nisha) that he would even let friends call him Jackie without feeling less masculine. (super self-indulgent reasonings for this)

Other random head canons, Jack is polysexual and pansexual. He prefers women romantically but usually has longer last relationships with men yet rarely thinks of them in the same light. He’s mostly into women powerful enough to crush him and while he is aggressive and into being on top, he’d make a shit dom. He’s impatient and easily losses himself to pleasure. He is, however, a very good sub but it takes a huge amount of trust for him to allow that. (this is also why he is so angry at his attraction to Rhys. Rhys is a soft nerd who can’t even fire a gun, the exact opposite of Jack’s type and he falls for him anyway.) Jack’s vanity knows no bound and he spends way too much time of his look every morning to look perfectly disheveled and like he doesn’t care. Also extremely attached to his favorite things with huge possessiveness (partially caused by aforementioned childhood trauma). Jack actually likes cats but hates being around then cuz old childhood pain. Jack is also complete and utter crap at taking about his feelings or opening up to people.

Timothy Lawrence: 

So for dear Tim, my beloved favorite, I have 2 main categories, canon doppelganger or au brother. 

Doppelganger: needing money he took a job as Jack’s body double and had plastic surgery to look like Jack. Depending on Jack (Bad/Okay/Good) his relationship turns out drastically different. 

Bad ending poor Tim gets branded and has to fell his possessive and deranged boss and spends his life masked on Pandora as a mercenary. Always hiding his face for fear of those who want revenge on the man whose face he wears. 

Okay fate, he and Jack are lovers. They fight a lot and Tim’s most often catchphrase is “damn it, Jack” but in the end, Jack is his asshole. Their relationship is polyamorous and stable. But Tim is often in the shadows and overlooked, partially by choice. 

Good end? This is so rare I have no idea.

Twin/Brother: having grown up together they get Jack’s asshole and abusing Grandmother and Tim’s “laughs at your death” mother. Having one family member and someone he can always fall back on to help him and someone to be a hero for, Jack never goes full Bad ending. Despite all their fighting and issues, they balance each other out. Always falls in the Okay category of Jack’s relationship to Angel. 

But I’ve been working out the redemption arch to lead to a Good Dad ending. Jack actually being self-sacrificing for once and giving up something he wants for his brother's happiness. One idea is that both he and Tim are both pursuing Rhys but after some inciting incidents, Jack comes to realize that his family and friends are happier with Rhys in their lives and Jack knows that he’ll just ruin it like he’d started to do. I can see this beautiful scene of Jack seeing Tim and Rhys talk at a party and seeing Angel come up to join them. His heart aches because he wants that to be himself in Tim’s place but knows it would never happen. That in the end, he’s poison. So he chooses to give up. To let that peaceful scene be reality. That he can accept his claim on Rhys just being as family and not as lover. And that moment of clarity and change of focus helps get him on the path to repairing his relationship with Angel and his brother. Never a smooth ride and he fails a lot, but it does get better.

But back to Tim. 

Tim/Rhys is life. I love these two together like nothing else. Jack/Tim and Jack/Rhys is always unstable and huge potential for unhealthy. But Tim/Rhys is heaven and precious and good.

Tim loves cats and sweaters. He wants to write an epic fantasy story but has no faith in his abilities. He’s anxious and terrified of heights but he will be it anyway even while white with fear. He has a huge cybernetic kink he doesn’t want to admit to. Tim dated Wilhelm until the end and still deeply cares for the huge quiet man. While Tim dislikes blood and guts, he found he was actually really good and fighting. After he started the body double gig he got swoll and has stayed in shape since (his own vanity showing). He’s covered in freckles and tans dark in the sun. His voice can be very awkward and scratchy but confidence and vocal training helps that in the non-canon or modern!au settings. Tim is a much better fighter than Jack and can handle any weapon thrown into his hands (I mean just look at his skill tree in game) but he always holds himself back outside of combat and thinks of himself as weak. Despite his skill, he lacks confidence and in the bad endings always believes Jack is actually stronger than him.

Rhys:

My boy. Rhys is trans and autistic. He works very hard to make sure it doesn’t show. He volunteered to get the eye and experimental echo port in order to help compensate for his mental limitations and further enhance his positive skills. His cybernetic arm was also technically voluntary and for badass points he always claims so, but he wasn’t giving up a “perfectly good arm” but a barely functioning arm that always caused him chronic pain due to a poorly healed childhood injury. He stared in Data Mining and while he refused to act in violence to advance, Rhys has very gray morals and had done plenty of shady things to advance in Hyperion. He never had a problem with killing in the vague sense, just not wanting to get his hands dirty directly. This does change slowly, but he still hates guns. They are just very hard for him. When he must fight, melee is the way he goes. Rhys got his chest tattoos after his top surgery to disguise the scars. like his flashy cybernetics, his main goals are “if I have to stand out I want them looking at me because I’m too pretty to look away from”. He tries to fake it till he makes it with confidence even when he has no idea what’s happening. 

He always looks everything up on the EchoNet and panics when his connection to it is cut off. It’s his safety net/blanket in many ways. The more the situation is out of control and not following his plan, the more his anxieties act up and leave him vulnerable. This is how Jack easily manipulates him when everything is going to hell. He needs more time to think through things then the chaos of Pandora allowed. Once he’s used to the wasteland and it’s people, this is less of an issue. (Hyperion Rhys vs Atlas Rhys)

His special interests are colorful socks, Handsome Jack (he regrets that deeply after meeting the man), and his new interest is A.I.s. Though Rhys is very into his cybernetics and has moded them some, he can’t build them. His skills are haking, programming, and coding. His old goals where to get a job in digital security or programming once he could get out of data mining. Now as Atlas CEO his pet project has been building and refining A.I.

Random: Rhys is bisexual and leans a bit poly. He is sex positive but doesn’t have to have it in a relationship. He will follow along with most all his partner's kinks as it’s most important for him that they are having fun together. Soft fluff and cuddles are what he lives for though. (everything about this is super self-indulgent)

Angel:

Angel is autistic. It puts her in an especially dangerous/vulnerable position with her powers and Bad Dad Jack doesn’t know what to do with her without his wife to help. He loves his baby girl dearly, but he’s lost and doesn’t know how to help her. In the end, he uses her to fuel his own obsessions and the veneer of childhood is stripped from her eyes as resentment sets in. She lost her father long ago and now only wants release. Like Tim, she could have tried to kill him herself, but while she can and does betray him, he’s still her father in the end.

Okay Dad Jack, (mostly modern!aus) struggles with how to raise Angel but genuinely tries his best. His second marriage was entirely to have a mom for her, knowing he was a shit parent. That wasn’t a good marriage and Angel still didn’t get a mom out of it. Angel goes up angry and resentful of her dad and often refuses to call him anything but Jack. She’s angry that he still treats her like a child. She can’t live on her own and needs assistance in common tasks due to her limitations, but can’t stand being treated childishly like his always buying her unicorn themed things and his insistence on not swearing. She struggles to understand that Jack needs these things for himself too and they both just suck at communicating to each other. They circle around each other, in a strange dance, more like roommates than family. Angel works for Jack as his security expert and hacker/spy. She was instrumental in him taking over Hyperion.

Good Dad... like beforementioned, this is hardly a thing. The good times are mostly in her early youth.

Angel is a lesbian and in okay or good settings falls for Gaige. Jack is very not okay with his daughter dating an openly Anarchist Anti-Cooperate Terrorist who has built death machines. They met online and spend nearly every night having hour long conversations. Gaige makes her feel more normal and nonbroken than anything else in her life ever has.

Random:

Tiny Tina is trans. I read this in a fic and it’s just canon now.

Zer0 is a nonbinary cyborg. They have had most of their body replaced and generally don’t want to be human, so they took matters into hand to make that happen. They feel kinship for Rhys because of this and are growing fond of the awkward man and proud of his bravery foolishness for going into battle despite having no skill. Zer0 and Tim fight well side by side but they do NOT get along outside of combat.

Nisha is aromantic and pansexual and only doms. Her whip very much is used in the bedroom. She and Jack are always off again on again.

Maya is aro/ace and a total badass.

Sasha and Rhys date for a while but end it mutually finding they fit better as friends than lovers.

Gaige helps Rhys make his new cybernetics and he has to argue with her to not install more than one weapon in the new arm or lasers in his eye.

Wilhelm was always going to die of Bone Waste and the surgeries and cybernetics were just delaying the inevitable. Jack set him up to die, but it was willingly on Wil’s part because he didn’t want to die in a hospital but in a huge and epic fight that would be the stuff of legends. 

Vaughn is aromantic and sex nonpulsed and he and Rhys are platonic bros for life. Rhys is 100% okay with this and anyone else in his life has to accept his deep love for his bro.

(I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot, but this is long enough for now, oops)

[bibliotheksbewohnerin]

“Don't villianise the cis het white man. he was born that way. and was not born a villian due to this.“

is the the new, hot copy pasta?

[image description: screenshot of a youtube comment by someone named Daniel, it reads: 

“Would it be better if there were just less cis het white men? Sorry. but here's the thing. There is a set of people who often can gather on youtube and other places like it who have a set of allies with sympathetic symbiotic or parasitic goals. These groups fall into two broad categories. One. the idealogically possessed  white loving  anti feminist uber capitalist. two the SJW RADFEM anarchic communist BLM anti trump anti brexit. So when you start to say something like CISHETWHITEMALE... ugh. Then you seem to fall into one of the camps. this creates an edge. Because i just responded to this Emma Geisler. And i DIDN'T echo chamber her exactly. My message sounds like it is critical. So Since Emma falls into category two in assumption due to her use of terminology. My answer by reason of detraction falls into category one. Though i am no white supramacist i am white. though i am no  misogynist i am male. Though i am no expert i am in my thirties diagnosed with asperger syndrome at 14, I am a Cambridge Graduate in Education and English, where i focused on autistic education. And i have ten + years of employment history working with autistic and asperger individuals in social care and education contexts. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE except in fictional media portrayals of attention on Autistic people who are not cis het white. Your statement is false unless it is pertaining to movies and drama shows only. which you do not indicate. So it is false. And it is dangerous in it's falsehood. Feminism has shown recently a side to itself which covertly infliltrates other spheres of influence. Only to co-opt and corrupt that sphere of influence to gain more power. Many reading this may not believe me. But I advise you to research the rise of feminism yourself. Especially with reference to Athiesm+, GamerGate, And the partnership with the religion of Islam. (go ahead and be ignorant if you want, but if you want to be informed. really study that shit. it's ridiculous) Autism is a buzzword feminism wants to own. it is also a buzzword for the online misanthrope of any creed.. (how many of you have heard or read the words "Autistic screeching" recently?) How much do you think the cis het white men are keeping from the non cis het white men autists in the world? How much do they want to be the only people seen as autistic? Autism is an over acute process of thought. characterised by a triad of impairments and sensory differences. usually with reference to hyper or hypo sensitivity to stimuli. It presents in as many ways as there are personality types. And as such is prone to misdiagnosis. As there are other clusters of personality problems which can emulate autism and mental health difficulties which autism can present as. and the opposite is also true for these scenarios. When I began working with autistic people one of the biggest problems was the number of boys and girls who had autism but were diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. This was particularly a problem as invariably when you medicate an autistic person with schizophrenia medication such as was available then. they then develop schizophenic symptoms. And once that happens they just have schizophrenia as well as the autism. and that was caused by misdiagnosis. Now there is a different problem. Many "true" and "documented" diagnoses of autism are going to people with personality disorders like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and it's covert cousin) or Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder And individuals suffering from long term abuse also see their depression and PTSD as Autism. and are told it is so. (on a seperate note, you ever tell someone you are autistic and they immediately switch into "patience for the retard" mode? dafuqizdat? i was communicating fine with you up to now. why does it now seem you are going to pour my drinks in a sippy cup?) Autism is more prevalent in boys. It is not more prevalent in white people. I live in a multicultural city and my client base across my career has been almost a perfect intersection of all races of autistic men and boys. (why not girls? I generally work with the more violent behaviourally, and these are positions where gendered hiring is necessary as a safety consideration, I have worked with asperger and autistic female clients but there are a lot fewer of them and they generally have needs which require their main carer be female) Emma Geisler. Don't villianise the cis het white man. he was born that way. and was not born a villian due to this. Don't be racist or sexist in the pursuit of equality. that is an oxymoron. Don't use your feelings to get in the way of facts. if i may this is showing a lack of practice as an autist. We are supposed to have a bit of an advantage with that kind of anti-emotion thought process. Don't be a pawn to someone else's queen. Don't assume you have to go kill the king. if a cis het white male is getting attention towards Autism and  asperger syndrome. Then more attention could be being used to get acceptance and understanding of autism. If the attention leads to understanding and acceptance that is fantastic. But attention on it's own does nothing. Attention on it's own equals autistic behaviour being interpreted by the ignorant as a criminal offense. The man on the bus in australia who wanted to high five small asian women. Who got filmed and publicly shamed by a white woman for his behaviour (sitting right next to small asian woman. holding his hand up in the air and asking loudly for a high five while smiling at them without regard for personal space) Anyone here see a problem with this behaviour IF HIS AUTISM WAS TAKEN INTO ACCOUNT? Instead he was targeted for beatings and threatened with death by locals for his abusive misogynistic racist behaviour. and people WHO DID KNOW had to rally to his defense and i cannot thank them enough for doing so. He cannot remember faces. it's an autistic possible symptom which permanently affected him. One of the people who is friendliest to him is a small asian woman who gives him a high five whenever he asks for it. One of my clients had the EXACT SAME ROUTINE with me. It's a reassurance and a safety check for that guy. putting the puzzle together gets so much easier when you look at the back of the box.social justice groupthink is the enemy of autism. individualism is how to deal with it. Autism is presented to the world like a kaleidoscope pattern on a wall Autism is like the coloured glass filtering light to create the pattern The autistic person's personality is a lightbulb throwing a kind of light at the coloured glass and onto the wall..... that was some rant. last time i went on a rant like this i got accused of going testerical. Good word eh? All this is from the heart, without malice, and with a lot of concern. I hope it finds you, reader, whoever you are, well and i hope it has helped your understanding in some way.“]

[virtualman17-blog]

Top 10 Reasons Not to Support the Developer of Yandere Simulator (Yandere Dev/EvaXephon/Alex Mahan)

Yandere Simulator: A game with a good idea but with a very corrupt developer. Yandere Dev/Alex has become a epicenter of controversy ever since people discovered all of his dark secrets, causing him to lose supporters left and right and this list is dedicated to alerting people about his twisted personality and why people should NOT Support him.

And also because my previous list on this subject got taken down on thetoptens.com by a snob-nosed, dick-sucking, twat, I'm going to remake it with even more evidence again that little shit-licker’s master!

1. Yandere Simulator is a Revenge Act Against High School Girls Who Rejected Him

This is not only the biggest reason as to why Yandere Dev sucks but it also coexists with several other things on this list. Back in Alex's high school days he was constantly trying to get with several high school girls but ultimately got rejected - for obvious reasons. And so when Alex made Yandere Simulator - a game about slaughtering girls as a whole, he can feel like he's getting revenge on them by killing them in brutal, painful and horrendous ways. Disgusting! And because the male Senpai in the game is a self-insert of Alex and he made him so "perfect and flawless" and has a lot of busty, mindless girls swooning over him, Alex gets of recreate what he thinks his life in school "should've been". Alex if you are reading this: leave the internet for good!

2. He is a Pedophile

Is there any limitation as to how low this a-hole can sink?! Anyways there is a TON of evidence that point towards his pedophilia like in his cesspool of a game in where even though it takes place at a high school you get to look up girl's skirts, take pictures and sell them and Alex is planning to make it possible to get female students in his game get kidnapped and sold off to sex slavery! Theres also a pedophile teacher who's name is literally "indecent" in Japanese who is after your crush and on top of that nearly all of the girls in the game have unnaturally large breasts, some of them have boobs bigger than their heads. And when people called Alex out on this he said that all of the students are 18 years old, but really there are other grades in high school - four to be exact - and the age gap in practically all high schools is ages 15-18 on average. He only likes girls with large breasts as he once said "Does she have big breasts? Then why should I care?". He should be more worried about what women can do with their fists and feet if they get anywhere him if he keeps this up. He's also been having disturbing affairs with underaged girls as young as 14 years old and he knows that they're too young for him despite the fact that he says "he didn't know", he asked her for nudes and Alex even tried to defend pedophilia by calling it "a sexual orientation". He also hires a lot of former hentai artists like kjach to draw extremely perverted drawing of his characters and one of them has Iyano (you ready for this) getting raped by a dog. (face palm) And of coarse we can't forget about his "lovely" fan fictions. One of them being called "I Am Your Slave" which is about a submissive, dumb, woman who is a slave and is happy to be so - Alex's type of girl, and the other is "Life of a Sex Slave" which is about a woman who grew up as a sex slave and only knows how to live as one. I swear Alex here is making the Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray books look like masterpieces and I thought that was impossible! There’s just no hope for this guy, he is just gone.

3. He Can't Handle Criticism

As we all probably know, when someone becomes an artist and no matter how well we do we can't exactly please everybody. And what normally separates a good artist from a bad one aside from their work is their ability to accept criticism and Yandere Dev/Alex is NOT one of them. He has attacked several people including my own sister for leaving anything other than praise or most especially: sad but true facts about his poorly made game that frankly deserve all the criticism he gets. If he finds anything on the internet directed towards him that isn't mindless praising he goes down the Donald Scum route and attacks the commenter, and he will ban anyone form his streams about his hilariously bad gameplay skills that don't praise him like a god. He often makes really lame replys like "You dirty SJW!"(real mature and clever) like what he said to my sister one time. But other times he sinks lower than that, a good example is when Yandere Dev banned a mod called the "Size Mod" from his game which allowed you to change Yandere-chan's height and a lot of fans downloaded it but some emailed Yandere Dev instead of the original creator, and Alex called the mod "stupid" and Stickman - a Youtuber who downloaded it told him that was very disrespectful and he told Alex to fu*k off to which then Alex replied by saying "No, you can fu*k off, go stick your dick in a beehive" I don't think he even came up with that insult himself and besides at least Stickman has a real dick! He attacks Kiwifarms.net a lot for telling the truth and there was this artist who used to be a fan of Yandere Simulator who goes by the username of "swoomzie" on PrettyUglyLittleLiar.net who used to draw fan art for Alex's game until she heard about how he loves to steal artwork for his game (Look at "He Constantly Steals From Other Source Materials" for examples) and when she confronted Alex about this and asked him to sign a contract with her to make sure she gets credited for her artwork, he got offended, called her rude and didn't what to work with her anymore. And when people criticized Ayano for being an emotionless plank of wood - same with her Senpai, Alex admitted that he didn't want to give her a personality because he was afraid that he would be criticized for giving her a specific personality. So basically he just admitted that he can't handle criticism and he seriously thinks that giving a character no personality is better than some personality? Why do you think everyone likes Yuno from Future Diary - the most famous Yandere of all time or - who a few people like - male yandere: Damiya from Beast Player Erin? It's because they have a ton of personality, same with virtually every character in Marvel, DC, Persona, Metal Gear Solid, Prince of Persia, Ratchet and Clank, the Tales games and the superhero megaseries that I'm working on myself. And finally another great example is when the original creator of Stop Yandere Dev on Tumblr who was an autistic (no insult) woman called out Alex and pointed out a lot of dark facts about him and Alex found out about this and called her an autistic b**ch. Yeah well f**k you Alex, you ugly, pasty Linguini look-alike! Anyone who uses autism as a slur for "stupid, retarded, freak" or whatever don't deserve to live, because thats talking down to a group of people with a slight mental abnormality. Most autistic people have a sensitivity to loud noises and bright lights and may experience reoccurring daydreaming, but they often have a higher IQ than the average person, are very creative and have a few different ways of learning and I should know because I'm autistic and I'm anything but stupid! I'm one of the highest graded students in the schools I went to and I'm doing a great job at designing my own series mostly because I don't rip off everything I like and I don't throw an Alex Mahan temper tantrum whenever something doesn't go my way or when I receive something thats less than praising. If you can't handle criticism, than you should stay away from doing anything on the internet but try telling that to someone who's whole life is the internet.

4. He is a Misogynist

Speaking on how he goes against what SJWs stand for he does not know how to treat or even cares about women in the slightest. For starters a vast majority of the girls in his game are oversexualized with massive breasts and are about as dumb as the guy looking down on them (Alex Mahan) and he loves to hire former hentai artists like kjech to draw the most disgusting, pedophiliac pictures of his characters and they are disgusting and unnatural to say the least. And he goes even further with his sexism to where he will pretty much call any girl he doesn't like a b**ch. He writes rape fan fictions like "I Am Your Slave" and "Life of a Sex Slave" and they're about downright stupid, submissive girls who Alex, Trump, the GOP and every deplorable degenerate loves! Plus the man in I Am Your Slave is an insert of Yandere Dev. His deplorable fan fictions make Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey look like Hunger Games and Shakespeare and I though that was impossible! Also he once said that he hasn't interacted with a woman in real life aside of his mom in over a year, gee I wonder why. Maybe it's because he does not know how to treat them properly and that he groups them based on breast size and good looks (Just like the evil orange he likes: Donald Scum) rather than personality, interests, intelligence, skills, social skills?! And that he considers flat-chested women to be deformed and not deserving of his worthless attention? He often slut-shames any woman who talks down to him and anyone who's "not good enough for him", after all he did say one time: "Does she have big breasts? Then why should I care?", DEGENERATE! Now I like hot and beautiful women too and I do admit that I like look at hot girls on the internet and would love to marry a beautiful lady one day, but I draw the line in the sand when it comes to his porn or hentai and I stay away from it. Plus I'm a strong supporter of women's rights and if a marry someone I want her to have some pride in herself and have a good personality as a whole like how all girls should be. If I found someone with the most perfect body but is anything like the women Alex writes in disgusting fan fictions than no thank you! And need I remind you that the female human species is just as important as us men, without one or the other there is no us, so why not treat them with dignity and respect just like how men have been getting it for several centuries? But of coarse the abomination know as Yan Dev who probably couldn't care less about women's rights if it meant saving his own skin just wants to see them as male accessories rather than real people. Screw you Alex, you sexist Trump-spawn!

5. He Constantly Steals Form Other Source Materials

Despite the fact that he mostly has volunteers working on his game that he doesn't pay, he still manages to rip off content after content from other game designers, video games, anime/cartoon shows etc. He likes to pleasure himself by watching, searching on the internet or playing something instead of working on his game and as soon as he sees something he likes, he'll take it, claim ownership and not credit or even mention the original artist. And even when we expose of him for it (like I've said on "He's a Liar") he'll say "It's just a place holder" TRANSLATION: "It's mine now suckers!" He just thinks that if he makes some slight adjustments like changing the color in one or two places, that automatically makes it his, if you get inspiration from somewhere, change about 50% of it so that way: 1. it can't be a rip off and 2. you show respect to the original artist/s. Like what I do for my own franchises! Examples of what he stole: - He stole Doug Clayton's grass texture 3 times! - He's stolen a lot of lines from Undertale. - Like I've said before on "His Characters are Horribly Designed" most of the characters are stolen Unity Store assets. - There's a character named "Fureddo Jonzu" (Fred Jones from Scooby Doo) - let me cry for you. - A lot of the hairstyles are stolen MMD assets. - A lot of the environments in the game are stolen like the gymnasium, the classrooms, the town outside the school, Iyano's bedroom and a few others. - The character "Nemesis-chan" was completely copy-pasted form someone else's work. - He stole a lot of assassination mechanics from Hitman. - He's planning to steal a lot of content from Persona 5 - a game from a critically-praised series with some of the best, most creative and most well-written characters of any game series! Honestly I'm highly surprised that no one has sued his sorry ass yet, if someone did though Alex probably won't be able to live with his parents anymore, and I'm okay with that.

6. Some of His Fans are a Basket of Deplorables

Of course I'm not saying that all of Yan Dev's fans are bad, in fact - most of them are innocent people who just find his game fun and that's that and even if they are aware of all the stuff that we say about him or even know that it's true they still show some dignity to us and just want to have some fun times with Yandere Simulator. But a minority of his fans are just disgusting deplorables that just have to say the most vile, bigotry, bullcrap in existence just because we have a negative view of Yan Dev and his games. And a lot of those particular fans are so loyal and submissive they will follow Alex all the way to hell and to which I hope they do because like I said: they're attack dogs ready to pounce at the first negative comment about Yan Dev they see. The best example on this is what one low-life commented on Oni's Tumblr page "Stop Yandere Dev" and that particular abomination said: "Should I get a penis for "Oni" on her birthday? She seems to really want one. Just a reminder- Tans "men" aren't real men. Why don't you go make someone a sandwich or some babies? That's all women are good for, other than tapping material. You should've never talked s**t about Devpai” Me to Yan Dev deplorable #36667-KKK: F**king degenerate! Two can play at that game - Say what you want to think about trans-men but they have real penises something you obviously lack, and you must feel safe in your mother's basement behind your computer as you are so ugly and gross no woman would never make you a sandwich or a demon spawn in your name and you wouldn't be able to say all that deplorable talk to Oni's face, for the fact that you are afraid of women because they are so much stronger than you and Oni herself could effortlessly bash your head in so hard it will come flying out your tight a**hole. And speaking of penises, how does Devpai's nonexistent dick taste? Keep sucking on it until you choke or get one of the many diseases Devpai is carrying as it will rid the world of one less problem we have to concern ourselves about! I really would love to leave that one comment to any Alex fanboy, I would love to.

7. His Game and Characters are Horribly Designed

Aside from the fact that Alex's game is like a hentai without the sex with brainless women that have breasts and butt-cheeks bigger than their empty heads and guys with di*ks so big that they will have to pee in the bath tub, that is if they can fit them through the bathroom door. His characters are by far the most poorly made shells-of-men and women i've ever seen! For starters most of his character's names are just really lame puns that more or less reflect what little personality they have, an example is Osoro which means "awful" in Japanese and heres a few more: - Osana Najimi (Childhood Friend) - She's not even fully implemented in the game yet. - Geiju Teuka (Artist) - Mai Waifu (Means: my female anime crush) - Midori Gurin (Green Green) - Sakyu Basu & Inkyu Basu ((Sound like "Succubus & Inkubus" )Obviously) - Mida Rana (Indecent) The game also takes place at high school but the students all wear sailor uniforms, only middle-schoolers wear them while high-schoolers normally wear neckties with blazers. Plus virtually all of his characters are stolen Unity Store Assets - which he says he's going to replace in the future but he won't, just watch! And on top of that, they all have even less personality then the Twilight characters in which their only character trait has something to do with their pun names. Also Yandere-chan (Iyano Aishi) - the character you play is described as an emotionless, dull, empty killer-in-love that "inherited" her Yandere trait from her mother which is NOT how a Yandere should be! Yanderes are solely motivated by emotion especially love and fear and will kill based off of their emotions if they see any potential rival in their crazy obsession over the man/woman they want to be with if it kills them. Alex loves Japan yet he knows nothing about them and their culture, and he knows about as much on making characters as Donald Trump knows about being a President, in other words: HE KNOWS NOTHING!!!

8. He Hates Social Justice Warriors

Social Justice Warriors or SJWs are good people and I'm one myself, their only goal is to stop all sexism, racism, homophobia, and just all forms of bigotry and prejudice in general so that everyone, no matter how they're born don't get treated as second class, as objects or even as criminals just because they're not white, straight, Christian men. The only people they don't support are actual criminals. And fun fact: people who usually hate SJWs are often racist, sexist, homophobic, hateful, Nazi-loving, KKK, fascist, deplorables like about half of Donald Trump's supporters as well as Trump himself and Alex Mahan (Yandere Dev) - who also supports Trump. Some SJWs may go a bit too far and take their ideals to the extreme to where it's white men above everyone else being reversed, but those "SJWs" are extremists and unfortunately they give the rest of the SJW's a bad name like "extreme liberals". But I know that it goes both ways, there are both extreme liberals and conservatives and they both have terrible ideals on how one or two groups of people "deserve" more respect than the others and normal SJWs are not like that, we are EQUAL RIGHTS not ethnic or gender dominance - because that wouldn't be "equal" now wouldn't it? And when you see all those stupid, unfactual anti-SJW memes and rants on the internet calling SJWs "bullies", "bigots", "racists", "criminals", "stupid", "hateful", "whiny", "cancerous" or whatever, those dumb memes and rants were made by REAL bullies, bigots, racists, and criminals that ARE stupid, hateful, whiny, and cancerous low-lifes! On top of that, Yandere Dev has been seen making friends with people on 4-Chan - one of the worst anti-SJW cesspools on the internet. And the people on 4-Chan talk like Nazis and KKK scum and Yandere Dev likes to pander to them about making Yandere Simulator the most anti-SJW game in existence and he's on a roll with that as it is already filled with, incest, misogyny, pedophilia and indecent exposure. Oh how I dream of the day when I can ban all anti-equal rights garbage from the internet, as well as Alex himself.

9. He's Notoriously Known as "EvaXephon" on Other Sites

When Yandere Dev is not working on his game for two minutes a day, he is doing terrible streams on other sites under "EvaXephon" by streaming video game playthroughs for up to 21 hours straight with horrendous gaming skills. I've seen some of his streams and he has played quite a few games that I've played myself and I'm SO much better than he is, in fact - for every time I've died in a level Alex has died like ten or even twenty times and if you suck at video games don't show it on the internet, unless it's for a comedy of errors. Anyways one such site he's been streaming on is Twitch and he often likes to leave links to his crumby streams and a lot of people hate him for it. On a side note: Yandere Simulator got banned on Twitch and while Alex says "It's those dirty SJWs" I'm sure we all know why it got banned in the first place, am I right?

10. He's a Liar

This may be one of the more "mild" cases of Yandere Dev's guiltiness but he does this often, like on a daily basis "often" and a lot of his fans believe him but you don't have to have a camera in his room to see what he's doing. Because he records himself doing other things! A perfect example is on how he always says that he works "very hard, nonstop" on his game but really he just works on it for 5 minutes a day and then spends the rest of the day streaming his crappy gaming skills for several hours straight, one time he did it for 21 hours in one day. And I know how he feels, after all I need "some time off" every time I finish one math question at school, my school was so brutal! I'm joking of course but other examples of when Alex lies is when we question him on how he doesn't pay any of his volunteers who work on his game for him but he says that he does. Yeah, and Donald Trump cares about Mexican and Muslim lives! (Not!!!) But probably the best example is when we point out how he steals something from other (real) artists or source materials and he either says that he stole nothing and it's his or he says "it's just a placeholder" but in reality he's saying "It's saying there forever whether you like it of not". - This will come back later...

[autisticworldscollide]

There’s so much I want to talk about and I just can’t seem to find a starting point.

Due to my disability I can’t work, so I live in a small house with 5 other people. The mere fact that they exist and make sounds and messes as well as the concern that they might want to socialize with me is a big stress I deal with daily.

I’m also stressed because I have to get together enough money this month to be sure to cover my bills, which add up to about $110. I think I’m about $25 away from meeting that goal but the more pressure there is, the less I feel able to deal with it.

I know I need to be on disability, the stress and anxiety I feel, as well as the actual autistic and adhd-i problems I deal with in any work place make me burn out quickly. But whenever I get rejected I feel like I deserved it and I should be ashamed for trying to con the government (I’m not. Everything I report to them is 100% true) and I feel so lost and helpless.

It’s even worse watching the current presidency and worrying how much I will be affected. They have our lives, the lives of the disabled and poor who rely on government for survival, in their hands and they don’t even see us as people but instead as dollar signs.

What kind of future can I hope for? How can I overcome the obstacles of disability application when they are directly tailored to discourage me based on my disability? I’m probably going to hire a lawyer to help me, but I’m so afraid to trust and hope.

Life looks really bleak for me right now, and it’s hard to keep my mood balanced in these circumstances. Honestly, encouraging messages would be incredibly appreciated.

[maryloubaudinet-blog]

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