#but i also can’t commit to fully returning here sobs i’m also busy

[prettywordsyouleft]

To Be Continued - Part 6

Summary: As an author, you had created Brian Kang for your current trilogy series to represent the ultimate man that everyone would love, along with Charli Evers - your female protagonist. What you hadn’t expected was for him to find a way out of the story and begin shaping up your world instead

Pairing: Brian Kang x female writer (ft. Park Sungjin)

Genre: writer au / romance / fantasy

Warnings: fictional characters coming to life / a bit of angst here and there / Sungjin as a cop (or does that only affect me?) >_> 

In this chapter, the jealousy flare up is strong lol. 

Word count: 2307

Preview | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | Epilogue

The warning bells you had been hoping to ring sounded around your home a second time, and you stepped down from the tips of your toes that you hadn’t realised you were standing upon and ducked under Brian’s arm, escaping the almost kiss to see who was here.

You guessed it was your mother, knowing her impromptu visits often occurred at night. Or Lily was back from visiting her family and wanted to check in on you as she usually did. However, nothing prepared you for who was standing there.

“Su-Sungjin.”

“My other rival has arrived,” you heard Brian mumble under his breath as he stopped beside you.

The police officer looked at you and then Brian, suddenly growing reserved. He laughed awkwardly. “Sorry, Y/N. I should have called ahead of visiting you. I just was worried about you and wanted to check if you were okay. It seems like you are.”

“She is,” Brian confirmed, and you glanced at him hopelessly before shunting him in the stomach and opening your door further.

“Please, come inside.”

“Oh, I don’t wish to intrude when you have a guest here already,” Sungjin mentioned, though he stepped over the threshold far too easily, eying Brian carefully before smiling down at you. “Did you find out about the stalker?”

“Stalker is a bit of a far-fetched term, don’t you think, Constable?” Brian answered before you could, and you noticed the hint of annoyance in his eyes.

You knew that Brian, when protective of someone, wasn’t afraid to use his hands if necessary. Jumping in front of him with a light laugh, you then smiled up at Sungjin to try and break their staring war.

Thankfully, it worked. “Have you had dinner at all, Sungjin? I was just about to order in something and can add on another serving for you?”

“I’m sure the busy police officer doesn’t have time to stay for dinner.”

“Interesting that we don’t even know each other and you’re answering for me,” Sungjin rebutted, glowering at the man behind you. “I’m guessing Y/N told you about me?”

“It’s a long story,” you mentioned, wondering just how many more times you’d have to use that line when it came to Brian’s existence. “Dinner?”

“Would love to,” Sungjin agreed.

It was awkward as you waited for the delivery to arrive, glancing between the two men glaring at one another and then at the door hoping for salvation. Whilst you were excited to see Sungjin again, you hadn’t really thought this through.

After all, before he turned up on your doorstep, you were fully committed to kissing the man who firmly placed himself at your side. Then again, you had already day-dreamed about kissing Sungjin multiple times before Brian had even stepped out of your computer.

Your heart and mind were a mess, as was this dinner suggestion. You were relieved when the pizza turned up, diving towards the front door with your purse in hand. Paying the driver a tip, you then returned with the meal, placing it down on the table and spreading it out. “Let’s eat!”

“So, let’s hear about this long story,” Sungjin asked midway through your second piece of pizza, in which you choked upon. Both men thrust their drink towards you, and you looked at their offerings before meekly reaching for your own.

“The story,” Brian repeated, and Sungjin glanced at him curiously. “I guess you want to know who I am.”

“He’s my cousin’s friend!” you blurted out, and Brian gaped at you instantly. “Brian is just staying here because his flat is infested with bugs. You don’t do bugs, right, Brian?”

“Cousin’s friend. Bugs. Uh-huh.” Looking over at Sungjin’s surprised expression, Brian sighed heavily. “That’s me. Brian, the cousin’s friend.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that,” Sungjin mentioned, a small relieved smile crossing his lips. “Hopefully it gets fixed soon.”

“Actually, I think it’s going to take a really long time. I might just end up moving in here permanently,” Brian commented with a strained smile, and you clamped your eyes shut with frustration before trying to smile politely at Sungjin.

The police officer smiled warmly back at you and began to eat again.

Thankfully, he didn’t stay too long, happy enough to see you were okay and when you confirmed you hadn’t heard from your strange intruder since Brian had arrived, it placated him enough to head for your front door.

“Dinner was lovely,” he mentioned, and you laughed.

“It was an awkward disaster.”

Sungjin nodded, chuckling softly. “Next time, I’ll take you out somewhere, if you like.”

“Re-really?”

“Only if you’re free too.”

“She’s going to be reallyyyy busy writing the next story in her trilogy, right, Miss Writer?” Brian added into the conversation, and your mood dampened again with his arrival at your side. Slinging an arm over your shoulder for effect – which worked – Brian smiled all too happily. “So busy that I wonder if she’ll even have time to eat. You know, when she’s stuck up in her worlds, she often forgets to even feed herself. Lucky I’m here, right?”

“I’ll call you!” you managed to tell Sungjin with a wave, before shutting the front door and spinning around to face the remaining man. “Wow! I never expected you to be like this!”

“Surely, you did! I mean, you created me!” Brian exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air. “And now I’m your cousin’s friend too?! You’re so good with stories, Miss Writer. Do you know what is real life and what isn’t?”

“You’re impossible when you’re jealous.”

“And you invited your hero in here when you had no need to! What are you going to do? Have a moment with him in the kitchen too? Tell him how he’s the only cop for you?!”

“Your bitterness is unfair!” you warned, stalking over to the table to clean up the takeout containers. Brian joined you, stacking the plates and cups you had used and took them over to the sink. You worked in harmony in clearing up the mess before you realised what you had both done. Stopping to watch as Brian vigorously scrubbed at a cup, you reached over for his hand and ceased his actions altogether.

“I panicked.”

“About what exactly? That the man you’ve been pining over since you met him just recently was on your doorstep or the guy you created in your stories was about to kiss you for the first time?”

So it was about to happen. Gulping back your emotions from his admission of the fact, you nodded. “Of both.”

“What are you going to do about it then, Y/N? You can’t play us both.”

“I wasn’t playing-”

“I guess that hero of yours makes me the villain for turning up, huh?” he muttered before rinsing off the cup and placing it to the side of the sink, turning on his heel for your guest bedroom and shut the door with a bang.

The following morning, you were the first one up. Binks met you in the living room, winding himself around your legs and mewling for his breakfast. Smiling, you picked him up and carried him the rest of the way to the kitchen. Settling him down by his food mat, you then picked up his bowl and filled it with fresh food before placing it back in front of him. You watched as he ate happily, relaxing into the simple nature of your usual routine.

Without Sungjin or Brian, life sure had been just that – simple.

Yet, you knew you wanted to fill the loneliness in your heart also. It had taken you some time to fall asleep last night, staring at the screen of your laptop at the words To Be Continued over and over. Wondering why Brian kept changing it to that instead of The End had plagued your thoughts all night long.

You had been hoping to meet him in the kitchen for breakfast and discuss it with him but you had gotten up before him. Waiting for over twenty minutes, and making as much noise as you could without being too rude, you finally walked down to the room and rapped your knuckles over the door. “Brian, can I come in?”

No answer.

Knocking a little louder this time, you repeated your question to receive, once more, silence in return. Unlatching the door, you stepped inside to find it empty of his presence.

It all hit you then like a tonne of bricks, and you went through your house from room to room in a blind panic, wondering where he had gone. Finding yourself in your office, you opened the lid to your laptop and hurried to turn it on, waiting to sign in to your account before dashing into your files for your latest story. Opening it, you bounced on the spot as your fears got heightened.

What if Brian had gone back into his world without even saying goodbye?!

You had definitely turned off the device last night before bed, but could he have turned it on and headed back into Captivated? Would he even remember you if he had?

After all the thoughts of insanity you had endured with his sudden arrival in your life, you were now equally despairing his departure. You hadn’t even kissed him yet! Let alone shared a day with him doing all the things you wanted to do. How could he just leave you like this –

“Y/N?”

Spinning around to find Brian behind you in exercise clothes and sweating from a morning run, you let go of your laptop and lurched towards him, wrapping your arms firmly around his waist. Whilst he immediately held your distraught body, he chuckled a little also. “I just went for a run. I don’t care what you say about me, even guys like me stink when we sweat.”

“You’re still here!”

“Of course, I am. Where did you think I was?” Brian asked, and when your sniffling turned to sobs, Brian attempted to pull you away from his body but you gripped on tighter. “You thought I had gone back into the story?”

“What else was I meant to think when you weren’t here, and there was no note?! Especially after last night-”

“That’s why I went for a run, to clear my head,” he admitted. “I’m sorry I didn’t leave you a note. I thought you would sleep in like usual.”

“I’m sorry too,” you replied, shaking your head, your tears spreading around the room and landing upon him in the process. “I shouldn’t be like this over you. I mean, I feel like I’ve known you forever yet you’ve only been here a couple of days and you’re right, I should be more clear with Sungjin, but I didn’t know what to do and-”

Your sentence was caught against his mouth, swift as it pressed upon yours, did it leave. Brian, evidently surprised at his attempt to stop your fevered rambling, cleared his throat before staring down at you for your reaction.

It only took you a second to think about it before you stretched up and coveted his mouth with yours. Unlike his quick peck, you moved in with the intention of savouring this one. Slowly, your mouths pressed together, tasting one another. He was slightly salty, due to the way his skin has perspired from his run and yet you didn’t care, pressing into his body further the longer your lips were attached to his. Your mind swirled with desire, and your heart thumped erratically as a result.

You were kissing Brian Kang.

When writing kissing scenes with him and Charli, albeit there had only been three so far, you had struggled. Just how would Brian Kang be as a kisser? No matter how much you had imagined his style or the way he would caress Charli, this moment in time was unlike anything you had penned. This was an entirely new feeling.

There was a hunger driving his lips now, his hands firmly taking purchase of your hips, drawing you in closer, making you his as much as you had made him yours. The taste to him changed, heating up with how his tongue dipped behind your teeth to greet yours, as if this exchange was something you two had done before. Kissing Brian was new, and yet it felt as if you had been doing it all your life. You were certain you could continue to keep kissing him as well, had you no need for air. However, you pulled away then, gasping in deep breaths, your mind and eyes blown from the experience.

Brian appeared just as dishevelled.

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t apologise for kissing me,” Brian murmured, running his thumb over your now swollen lips. He smiled giddily before looking back at you with bright eyes. “Don’t ever apologise for it.”

“You’re sure?”

“That was some kiss,” he told you, cupping your cheek within his hand. Leaning in closer again, you felt your breath heighten, moistening your lips for him to take them hostage again. However, he merely kissed your cheek before letting you go entirely. “I’m going to have to watch myself around you, Miss Writer. Our story’s only just begun, and we’re already kissing one another. You’re more dangerous than I thought you’d be for my heart.”

“Why did I create you to say lines like that?!” you groaned as Brian slipped away from you and headed down the hallway towards your bathroom. Sticking your head around the corner to watch his departure, Brian stopped outside the door and glanced back at you, biting his lip before shaking his head and stepped into the bathroom to shower from his run.

Leaning against the threshold for support, you held your heart again.

It was beating in tune for him now.

_________________

Part 7

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[elsanna-shenanigans]

February Contest Submission #6: A Museum Date with You

words: ca. 3300 setting: mAU lemon: no cw: none

“Psst, Anna. Wake up, my dear sister.”

Anna grunts when she’s been woken up by Elsa. “Elsa, it’s Sunday and the sun hasn’t risen yet,” she grumbled at her sister.

“It’s also Valentine’s Day and you remembered what we’re planning to do today?”

“A date?” she answers sheepishly.

Anna receives a smooch from Elsa which makes her mouth twitch upward. Her drowsiness withers away as it is replaced by love and adoration with her sister. She sits up and stretches her up high until her back pops.

“Okay, I’m awake,” she says while her eyes are still half-lidded.

“Good girl,” Elsa stands beside the bed. “I’ll prepare breakfast and bring it here. Hope you’re ready once I’m back.”

Anna nod vigorously in agreement. Elsa just shakes her head at Anna’s response. Elsa saunters her way out from their bedroom with a wide sway of her hips. Anna’s half-lidded eyes are instantaneously fully open with some drool at her mouth.

Today is going to be a great day.

—

Valentine’s Day has arrived and so does their date to the museum. Elsa drives them there since it’s thirty minutes away from their home. It’s been a while since they went out because they have been busy for the last few months. Glad Elsa used this opportunity to go out. If not, they spend time at home and frack all day.

The idea came when they were having a lovely evening snuggling. Elsa told her sister that she wanted to have a museum date for Valentine’s Day, which rendered Anna speechless. Judging Anna’s reaction, Elsa turned her back and curled into a ball with a mock sobbed.  Anna rolled her eyes at her sister. She comforted her big sister with soothing words. Oh, and also consoled her with some massages.

While Elsa’s driving, Anna notices something peculiar. She smiles all this time, which is fine, but a trip to a museum? What’s so exciting at the museum? As far as she knows, a museum is a place where dead people and animals are showcased to the public. Okay, that’s too dark for what’s supposed to be a happy day. Then again, the origin of Valentine’s Day wasn’t happy, either. Anna shakes the thought away. What matters now is Elsa has something to show her, judging by her mood, and she can’t wait to see it.

Still, Anna can’t help but wonder what could it be. Could it be that a new exhibition opened that she isn’t aware of? Perhaps. Or a famous portrait arrived and opened for display. She isn’t a fan of portraits of someone she doesn’t know. Wouldn’t be cool if it’s a portrait of Elsa, because she’s pretty and she definitely will buy a portrait of her sister?

While she’s in her reverie, she doesn’t realize the car has stopped. It’s only after her sister pats her shoulder that she jumps out of her seat. Elsa chuckles at her reaction, “We’re here.”

Anna looks at the front window. The museum is packed with people. They’re lucky today that Elsa was able to find a parking spot right in front of the entrance despite the crowds. The parking lot is already half-full, even though they’d arrived so early today. Elsa and Anna walk to the entrance while holding each other’s hands, swinging their clasped hands back and forth. She likes to hold Elsa’s hand because of the chilling sensation when their skin touches. She feels safe to have Elsa holding her.

They swiftly enter the museum because Elsa had already purchased the tickets beforehand. Now, she’s scanning their tickets at the turnstiles to enter. After the check-in, they walk along the hall and it has an amazing light show. There’s one light circling the wall among the crowd and it’s seeking Anna’s attention. As she gets closer and almost touches the light, the light moves aside. Anna tries to follow the light, but it’s slowly increasing its speed. Without knowing it, she’s running to follow the light. She pulls her sister along for the chase, racing down the halls after the light.

They dive into the light and it blinds them momentarily as the hall is darker than the outside. As Anna’s eyes adjust to the brightness, she sees a skeleton-like creature in front of her. She struggles to remember what the creature is; it seems so familiar to her… When she recovers, her jaw drops at what she recognizes.

A… A… T-Rex!

The skeleton stands tall in the middle of the museum. Floodlights from an alcove above the skeleton shine down on it, creating a shadow that makes the creature feel more intimidating. She turns towards her sister, who’s smiling softly at her.

“Surprise!” Elsa smiles brightly, “Remember the story you told me about how much you love dinosaurs and would love to see them? Well, this is the closest thing we can ever get.”

“Oh, thank you so much. This is the best date ever!” Anna exclaims.

“You’re welcome. Now, care to tell me more about the creature that we’re looking at?” Elsa asks curiously.

“Glad you asked,” Anna says with a grin, “This is Tyrannosaurus-rex. T-rex for short. It was the largest predator in North America. The most striking feature of Tyrannosaurus is its giant skull,” she raises her hand to the air, “It’s colossal. Tyrannosaurs were built for hunting prey. Their body structure helps them chase their prey down and their huge teeth are their main weapon.” Suddenly, an idea comes to Anna’s mind with a grin. “And their favorite point of attack is the prey’s neck. Like this” She dashes towards Elsa and bites her neck, teeth digging into the soft flesh.

“ANNA!” she screams.

Anna retracts from her bite and licks her lips. She grins when she sees how beet-red Elsa is, then realizes there were people around them, giving odd looks to the sisters.

Shoot. Sisters don’t give love bites. Then again, if she says we’re lovers, it would also cause a scandal. She glances at Elsa and she is still embarrassed. She won’t help her at the moment. Guess it’s up to her now to ease the odd looks of the people around here. Here goes nothing.

“Sorry, everyone! Just wanted to show my friend how the T-Rex attacks their prey.” she smiles sheepishly.

The crowds resume their visit. She sighs in relief as her excuse works.

“Good call, Anna.”

“Thanks. Our usual excuse didn’t seem to fit at that moment. I had come up with something else.” She looks at her sister pensively, “I hope you don’t mind when I call you my friend.”

“Anna,” she put her hand on her shoulder, “I am your friend, girlfriend, best friend, lover, and sister. Of course, I don’t mind.”

“Oh, what if I call you my ex-,”

Elsa places a finger across her sister’s lips. “Let’s not go there. If not, the Ice Queen shall return and we both don’t want that, do we?”

Anna shakes her head vigorously. Elsa lets go of her lips and carefully inspects the mark on her neck with her fingers, “As much as I love when you’re marking me, at least find a room before committing such a scandalous act.”

Anna bites her lips. She adores that Elsa loves her perverted acts. It makes her feel hot inside.

“Hehe, sorry. I saw the opportunity and just couldn’t help it.”

“It’s okay,” she smooches Anna, “I forgive you.” She then whispers, “But do remember when we’re back home.”

Urgh. Elsa. Don’t turn me on right now!

“So, the dinosaurs?” Elsa tries to avert the conversation.

“Oh yeah. Even though it’s a formidable predator, some dinosaurs can force them to back off.”

“Oh? Which dinosaurs can pose a threat to the mighty T-Rex?”

“Here, let me show you.” She drags Elsa to the next exhibition. “This is the Triceratops. The reason why it is called that is that it has two long horns with a short, stout nose that acts as a third horn. It also has a shield-like bone crest which prevents T-Rex from biting them at the neck.” She coughs at the remark, stifling a giggle. Elsa just rolls her eyes.

“As you can see, this dinosaur can do offensive moves with its horns, just like any animal with the same feature. They will point their horns towards the enemy like this.” Anna puts her fingers on her scalp, mimicking a horn. “And they charge!” She intends to poke her arm but Elsa turns at the last second and she ends up squishing her nose onto her sister’s breast. It’s soft as silk and she doesn’t feel any lines underneath it. Oh my…

“Let me guess, they’ll charge at the enemy’s breast,” she says, smirking.

Anna chuckles, “Well, sort of. The softer the spot, the easier to pierce through.”

“Interesting.”

They stand there for a while, Anna’s face still buried on the chest.

“Umm, Anna. Do you mind?”

“Whoops, sorry,” Anna says in a very un-sorry way. She rubs the wrinkled spot on Elsa’s shirt. “Don’t want to leave it untidy.” She caresses the area until it’s smooth as butter.

Elsa shakes her head. “You can stop now.”

“Yeah, maybe I should.” She lifts her hand from Elsa’s breast. Her ministrations have caused a protrusion underneath the shirt and it’s a sight to behold.

“Are there any other dinosaurs that can rival T-Rex’s supremacy?” Elsa returns to the conversation.

“There are. C’mon, follow me.” She drags her sister to the next exhibition.

“This is Ankylosaurs. This thing is built like a tank. It has armor all over its body. Imagine a tortoise, but with spikes all over the body. Not only that, the tail can be used as an offensive weapon, like a mace. The hard shell at the end of the tail can be whipped at the enemy,” she once again smirks, “Like this…” she swings her hips into  Elsa’s, causing her to lose her balance.

“Yes, I can feel that,” Elsa mutters as she regains her balance, “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” she asks curiously.

Oh, she knows very well what Elsa’s talking about, but Anna just ignores it, “Of course. I love to show my love of dinosaurs with you,” she smiles innocently.

Elsa embraces her little sister, “Of course you are.”

“Mommy, mommy. Those girls are cute together,” says a child in the distance.

They freeze at the moment self-consciously.

“Yes, dear. People will act cutely when they love each other,” mutters the mother.

“Big sis and I love each other. Can we act like that?” the child asks innocently.

The mother proceeds to lecture the child about the difference between romantic and familial love. Meanwhile, the queer sisters listen to the whole conversation, quietly chuckling to each other.

“Poor mother. Little did she know, we love each other in both ways.”

“Agreed. Let’s not forget, not everyone will experience the love that we share.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m lucky to have fallen in love with you.”

Elsa rests her forehead on her sister’s and looks at her in adoration, “I’m also lucky to have fallen in love with you.”

Anna’s eyes turn misty to hear those lovely words from her sister, “Thank you. It means a lot coming for you.”

“You are welcome. C’mon. We have a lot of places to visit.”

It’s Elsa’s turn to drag her sister along, which Anna happily follows.

—

They continue their exploration in the museum, walking through section after section until they arrive in the 19th-century era. It is full of portraits of past monarchies. The hall has many rooms filled with portraits of monarchs from different kingdoms. As they stand before the Norwegian monarchy room, Elsa stops in front of the closed doors, turning to Anna.

“There’s something I want to show you. I want you to look at it and tell what you see.”

Anna is weirded out by the serious tone of her sister. “Elsa, what’s the matter? Why so serious?”

She let out a sigh “I’m sorry. This portrait has been bothering me for quite a while now and I want to show you.”

“It’s okay,” Anna says as she holds her sister’s hand on the door handle, “I’m here for you. We can do this together,” she assures Elsa.

“Together.” She turns the latch of the mahogany door and they walk in to see a portrait of a royal family.

Anna tilts her head a bit. The portrait looks familiar. Anna walks closer to it. It has an illustration of what she assumes are two queens as well as a prince and princess. The two queens look like them and she reads the description. Wait, it can’t be.

She turns around to face her sister, “Elsa? Is that… us?”

“No, Anna. That’s not us. Although the resemblance is eerily familiar,”

“But who are they?”

“They are the rulers of the kingdom of Arendelle. Queen Elsa of Arendelle and the queen’s wife, Queen Anna of Arendelle.”

Anna’s eyes widen when she hears the names. “Wait, the queens had the same and also were lesbians?”

“The first in their kingdom. Not only that, but they were also sisters.”

Anna’s goosebumps rose from the revelation. She gulps, “So, not only they have the same names as we do, but they are sisters and married too? Just like us?”

“Yes, it is. Scary, huh?”

Anna subconsciously hugs her sister’s arm. “What does this mean, Elsa? Are we some kind of reincarnation of them?”

“I can’t say for sure, but one thing that can comfort you is that no matter what time or era, we still are together.”

“That’s good to hear,” Anna exhales slowly. She looks again at the portrait. “It looks like they have children. How is that possible if they are both women?”

“Those are Princess Elsi and Prince Annar. Get this, Queen Anna was given birth to them! Thanks to Queen Elsa.”

Anna gives her a puzzled look. “What? How?”

“There were rumors that Queen Elsa had a magical power to bring life into this world. She was able to bring a snowman to life along with snow monsters and snowgies, little tiny snowmen. They said she used the same power with her wife which led to the birth of two offspring.”

“Really? Can it be true?”

“I can’t tell for sure. However, if we look at their children, they both bear a striking resemblance to their parents. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s hard to refute the rumor when the result is so obvious.”

Anna is shaken by the explanation. “Is this why you wanted to bring me to the museum? To show me there’s someone who was pretty much like us?”

“My plan was more about the dinosaurs, but since we’re here, I wanted to show you this.”

Anna hugs her sister, “Thanks for showing me this. I feel reassured that someone has done it before - had a family despite being two women - and I think it’s possible to follow in their footsteps.”

“You’re welcome, Anna.”

They hug for a while until Anna speaks, “Say. Do you think we could have a baby too?” she asks wistfully.

“Finish your studies first, then we can talk about having a baby,” Elsa chuckles when her sister grumbles while crossing her arms, “Aww, don’t be mad.” Elsa tries to coax her, “You do know your studies are really important, right?”

Anna sighs, “Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s just so boring and I’m too lazy to do all the assignments.”

“Believe me. Those will be a thing of the past once you finish your degree.”

“Do you think they sell a copy of the portrait? I want to buy a portrait of my sister,” she gives Elsa a huge grin.

Elsa rolls her eyes at her sister’s remarks. “I’m sure they do have them in the souvenirs shop.”

—

After the museum trip, the sisters enjoyed a romantic dinner at their favorite pizza shop. They dined while enjoying the golden hour, the sun low on the horizon. They sat side by side, embracing each other while enjoying the view and the ambiance of the restaurant; singing along to soft musical chimes playing one of their favorite songs in the background.

They ordered their favorite, pineapple pizza (because that’s the best kind of pizza there is) and fed each other alternating bites, giggling the entire time.  At one point, Anna ‘accidentally’ smeared some tomato sauce on Elsa’s cheek and proceeded to lick it off her, much to her sister’s chagrin. Anna struggled to rein in her laughter and kept licking Elsa long after the sauce was gone, claiming she couldn’t tell the difference between the sauce and Elsa’s blush.

After dinner, they head home, eager to enjoy the rest of the evening together. Elsa can barely contain her eagerness, smiling, constantly staring at Anna on the drive home while still keeping the car on the road. Anna couldn’t help but grin alongside her big sister. Seeing her happy like this is a sight to behold.

Once they are home, Elsa and Annas go straight to the bedroom to snuggle. The museum date was exhausting after walking all day. But all in all, it was a fun day.

Anna rests her ear on Elsa’s chest. The quiet evening helps her to listen to her sister’s beating heart. She tries to count the beats but every time she does that she loses into the rhythm. It’s mesmerizing. The only song she ever needs.

Anna remembers back what she sees at the museum. Yes, the dinosaur is amazing. How sweet Elsa is to remember her favorite species. But the portrait is what’s stuck in her. She still couldn’t believe there’s someone before them who’s identical to them. The only difference is they don’t have a child yet. Elsa has said they will talk about this once she finishes her study but having a little chat won’t hurt, right?

“Hey, Elsa?”

“Hmm?” she hums.

“Do you think we could name our future child Elsi or Annar?”

Elsa looks at her sister, “Looks like someone eager to have a child.”

“Noo,” Elsa raises her eyebrow, “Maybe. Look, I just want to have a little convo, alright?”

“Sure, Anna,” she smirks. Anna proceeds to slap her breast out of spite.

“So, about the child?”

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking by now. Having a child. Our child. Would it be crazy?”

“Anna, our marriage is already crazy. Everything after this would be even crazier.”

“Hehe, I’m glad.”

“Why do you want to name our future child that?”

“Well, other than following the people who had done it before. I think that names are so cute. It’s like Elsa replacing the ‘A’ with an ‘I’ and Anna with additional ‘R’.”

She smiles, “We could also relate with our late parents. The ‘I’ in Iduna and the ‘R’ in Agnarr.”

Anna claps her hand, “Oh my gosh, what a coincidence. They both resemble our names and our parents’ ones. I’m pretty sure that was their intention.”

“Agree.”

“Do you think our future baby will be a pure-blood one?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you remember the rumor the queen used her magical power to her sister to give birth. I wonder if we could…” Anna’s been interrupted by a kiss.

Elsa places her hand on her cheek after they kiss, “We’ll find a way,”  she says assuredly.

“Okay,” she hugs her sister, “Thank you for considering.”

“You’re welcome. Anything for my sister,” she yawns. “Good night, Anna.”

“Good night kiss?”

She smiles and kisses her sister good night. “I love you, Anna.”

“I love you too, Elsa.”

[alegacyofmikalsons]

The Act of Living Chp.1: Back in the Crescent City

Author’s Note: Hi everyone! I’ve been lurking on my main Tumblr @adrianadmirer in the Originals and Legacies tags for several months now since I got into these shows (I finally got Netflix and was able to watch) and I’ve been working on this story for a while as well. I’ve had a version of this first chapter on Wattpad for months and now it’s finally at a place where I’m happy with it enough to share on here as well. Please feel free to leave comments, I want to know what you think as the story progresses and if there are things I can improve on. This is my first time writing for anything TVD/Originals/Legacies and I'm relatively new to these shows so, any feedback will be much appreciated!

Rating: PG-13

Series summary: Klaus and Elijah were supposed to die, but fate in the form of new friends Serafina Hewitt and her sister Stevie intervened. A year later Stevie is dead and Sera returns to New Orleans to see her friends and investigate her suspicions about what happened. When it's confirmed that a powerful hunter group is responsible, she realizes a much bigger threat is coming, one that threatens all of New Orleans. As they race to stop it, she gets more than she bargained for, finding the truth about who she is and a growing attachment towards a certain Mikalson.  Most importantly, they all get answers to the biggest riddle of all: what the act of living really means.

Visiting New Orleans should be a good thing, the place I'm from and still consider home despite having to leave it at sixteen. It's a lively place with the warmest people where even death is celebrated with a party. But currently, it reminds me of everything I've lost. Walking through the familiar streets, I find myself consumed with guilt and sorrow from the latest person to be taken from me. 

My sister. Not by blood since our parents chose to adopt me five years before Stevie was born. But, that little detail didn't matter. It still feels lonely, a part of me gone forever.

The moment I found out, only several hours ago replays in my mind for the hundredth time.

"You need to come down here," Rebekah Mikalson exclaimed.

Stevie and I met her and the rest of her family a few years ago when I helped my sister move back there and we slowly became closer friends through the handful of trips I've made since including the last one barely a year ago where a vision of mine and my blood kept them together.

The hoarseness in her tone and the faint sniffling grabbed my attention, a cold shiver running down my spine. 

This was no ordinary phone call among long-distance friends. 

"Why? Is something wrong?"

There was a moment of silence as she struggled to compose herself. "It's Stevie. She's...she's..."

The mention of my sister sent my heart thumping hard against my chest. No, I thought. It couldn't be. As painful silence ticked by, I became irritated from impatience as a sinking, awful sensation of dread swirled inside my gut. 

"Rebekah, just say it." 

Even though I had a feeling of what was coming, I had to hear it out loud. 

"She's dead Sera!"

There they were. I had braced for them yet, they still took the air out of my lungs. 

"What?" 

"She was killed last night outside of a bar just outside the Quarter. I just found out myself."

The truth finally hit fully, shattering the numbed shock. 

Gasping, my knees gave out and I sank to the floor, letting a mix between a scream and a wail. My worst fears had come true. I thought that she'd be safe here, away from me and all the dangers and problems I carried just for merely existing. This was New Orleans, home of everything that goes bump in the night or is out of the realm of normal humanity. But, it didn't matter. The people close to me always left, one way or another. 

As the sobs subsided, I shook my head, staring out at the drizzle that constituted a typical Oregon morning. I already had a good idea of who might be responsible. The same people who took the rest of my tiny, adopted family from me. All because I had a stubborn ability to survive what others couldn't. But, I needed details to be sure. To see if they left anything behind. If my suspicions were correct, they definitely would. 

Putting the phone on speaker, I set it down on the floor next to me. "What happened? Do you know?"

"Not really," she replied. "Her body was discovered a few hours ago, just as the sun was coming up. There's some bruising from a struggle of some kind and then a f-fatal cut across her throat. They're saying it was probably a random incident but..."

"You don't think so." 

My heart lept into my throat. The description matched those of other victims I had seen both in person and in newspaper descriptions. 

"No. You know as well as I do she...she would've been able to defend herself it was. No one will believe me though, not even my siblings. They all think I'm being unrealistic, and I can't blame them."

As she continued to rant about how her brothers never took her seriously I leaned my head against the kitchen cabinet and drowned her out. I already knew they didn't. Rebekah was known for thinking with her heart and not her head. But, she was just as smart and calculating as her more well-known siblings. Something they often forgot until it came out abruptly. 

"The only thing that looks weird is this...symbol." The statement brought my attention back, picking it up with my sensitive hearing. "On the side of her neck. Maybe you know what it is?"

My breath caught. A symbol was the exact thing I was searching for. 

"Describe it to me."

"It's some circle with a...lion in the middle. And some language that I can't make out. Greek I think. Why?"

It matched the symbol of the group I had in mind perfectly. It couldn't be a coincidence. Their explicit threats against her--verbal and written, the way she was killed. They had to be responsible. And if they were in New Orleans, I doubted they would be leaving anytime soon. It was too big of a target to pass up--the biggest place they've appeared so far. If the results were anything like they've committed here, hundreds would be dead. Supernatural and regular human alike. 

"Because, it tells me exactly who killed her," I murmured.

After a moment of deliberation, I sprang to life again and rushed over to where my laptop was sitting. Suddenly, New Orleans was the place I wanted, no needed to be. I missed my old home and seeing the dysfunctional family I called friends in person. But, it was more than that. I felt a sense of obligation to protect the city. And I couldn't quite do that from a phone call or video chat. 

"Listen, I'll be on the earliest flight out I can manage," I told her, my fingers dancing on the keys. Finding one that worked, though it was a bit pricey, I became resolved in my decision to leave. Just like last time, everything screamed that this was worth it."

I heard her gasp. "You're coming here? I thought you were busy"

"I am." It was an exhaled response. "But, suddenly I have new priorities. You guys have been wanting me to visit for a while anyway. Make sure no one touches a thing on her body or tries to move it until I've had a look. I don't care what you or your siblings have to do."

"Does that mean you think I'm right?"

"Yeah, Rebekah, I do. I'll be there by late afternoon, hopefully, earlier than that." 

After an hour's drive to Portland, a cross country flight and renting an expensive taxi into the city, I've finally made it with still plenty of the day left.  Pulling out my phone, I look at the address Rebekah sent and sigh.

At least I have one thing to distract me. I briefly close my eyes and memories swirl in from the people on the street, too many for my mind to focus on one for long. Some are happy, others not so much. All contain the private thoughts and feelings I have no business experiencing. But, I can't control it, much like the other abilities I inherited from faceless people. The only thing I know about what I am comes from my blood. Closer to black than red. Able to sustain me yet kill everything else.

Demon. 

I don't know what type or how saturated it is or even what side it’s from. There are too many in the books I've read to narrow it down to one and I’ve never met my birth parents. I only know what powers it gives me and that it comes with a lot of destruction, both internal and external.

I also know that my visions--both of the past and the future--aren't normal for any kind of demon. This and other strange powers I’ve discovered mean the blood of something else flows in my veins as well. But, it's been nearly thirty years and I've yet to figure out what.

Blinking open, I resume my steps and shake my head, putting away everything I've seen. I can't forget it, or any information really but, I have ways to pretend and set them aside.

Soon, the bar I'm looking for, Rousseau's, is in front of me and I pause. I know seeing Stevie's body is going to be hard but, if I don't manage my emotions, it won't be pretty. This usually helps.

After a minute, I step around the brick building, finding Rebekah with her platinum blonde hair crouched over a covered white sheet. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I close the gap between us until she looks up. 

"You're here," she whispers, springing up to engulf me in a hug. "Thank god."

She squeezes me so tight that I struggle to catch my breath, coughing out a short reply. "I've missed you too."

Letting me go, she stands there silently, with a slightly apologetic look before her gaze drifts to the concealed figure next to us. My sister. The crying has stopped for now, but the tears are still fresh. The redness around her eyes and frown point to how she's really feeling which is anything but fine. 

I look around and quickly realize that we're alone. I expected to see at least one of her siblings with her.

"Where are...?" I ask.

"It's just me. Klaus left soon after I got here. He did chase everyone off, just like you asked."

I can't help the snicker that comes up. "I don't need to know the details about how that went."

"Actually, there was no actual blood spilled this time, just the threat of it," she comments.

I don't particularly care or judge him for his impulsive acts of violence since I've succumbed to it countless times. But, it's not the healthiest form of anger management or dealing with emotions so, I'm glad about this small piece of info. 

"So he is taking my advice then," I tell her.

She nods after a minute. "Sometimes. I doubt he could ever stop completely." Then, her smile falters, and she clears her throat. "Anyway, Elijah's been home figuring out arrangements. It looks like we’ll be able to have the funeral tonight. That is unless you want to take her back to Mirebrook. He wanted to make sure you had the final say."

I haven't even thought about that. Most of my family's ancestors are entombed here, including our grandparents. My parents are the only exception, instead of being buried in the little cemetery in Mirebrook. But, I've been planning on moving them down here too eventually. Even from the start, they promised me our move wasn't going to be permanent. New Orleans is where we truly belong. That's why Stevie decided to return when she was old enough. So, while I appreciate having the choice, it only takes a minute standing here to decide.

"No, this is fine. She's a Hewitt...not just in name like me but by blood. She belongs here."

She nods once more as we continue to stand there silently for a moment. We both know what I came here for. Answers. I need to be sure but at the same time, neither of us wants to see her like this. 

Eventually, I gesture to my sister on the ground, mustering up enough emotional strength. "Can I?"

She blankly looks at me before blinking with a start. "Oh...um, of course. Sorry, I'm a bit out of it right now."

I know exactly how she feels. She bends down once more and delicately grabs ahold of the white tarp before meeting my gaze. At my nod, she pulls it back to reveal Stevie's lifeless stare. It's a punch to the gut seeing her skin already a pale gray from decay and a gasp catches in my throat. 

"Stevie..." Reaching down, I touch her ever so slightly, the coldness another shock to the system. 

I bite down on my lip hard as I feel the energy within me stir and a sudden breeze tickles the back is my neck from it. Sometimes it gets agitated when my emotions run high. I hesitate and wait for everything inside to calm. 

Breathe deeply. Quiet. I'll be fine. 

The mantra is one I've memorized from when my mother's soft voice repeated it as a little kid to stop my destructive blowups. After a few minutes, I'm comfortable enough to continue. I have to know if they're responsible.  

I turn to Rebekah. "Where did you...see the symbol?"

Swallowing, she mumbles, "Right side of her neck. By her ear."

Brushing her hair back I quickly find it. A circular symbol in black ink stands out against her fair complexion, the lion's face and handwriting staring up at me. Everything seems to stop as a chill of fear and extreme anguish runs up my spine. 

"No." 

"Sera?" Rebekah asks, noticing my reaction.

I ignore her as angry tears slip down my cheeks. 

Nemean found her. In the one place I didn't want them to touch. And I know them well enough to realize they aren't leaving anytime soon. The city is a perfect location for the attacks that terrorized Mirebrook every couple of years.

"I'm sorry Stevie. This is all my fault."

They went out of their way to hunt her, just like our parents and my friends. Because they chose to raise and love me. Suddenly, the power arouses inside once more and the wind picks up around us. I'm too volatile, if I stick around, no amount of controlled breathing will matter. I grab the tarp from Rebekah and quickly covered my sister once more. 

"Sera, what's wrong?"

Standing, I simply shake my head, unable to get any words out as I fold my arms around my heaving chest. I spin around and hurry out of the alleyway. Stopping a few feet away, I close my eyes and take more deep breaths until I steady myself.

"Sera, what the hell?" Rebekah exclaims and I open my eyes to see her frowning at me.

Seeing her concerned expression, I sigh. "Sorry I just needed to get out of there."

"Does that mean you know what that symbol is?" Her brows furrow in confusion.

"You don't?" My pitch rises a couple octaves. 

Surely they would've heard of such a notorious group of hunters by now. 

But, she shakes her head adamantly. "No, I've never seen it before in my life. I did take a picture of it though. Why?"

"Because,” I reply. “It belongs to her killers. The Nemean brotherhood." 

Her eyebrows lift off her forehead. "So this was on purpose then."

"Yes, by hunters called the Nemean Brotherhood. I don't think they’re done either. In fact, I imagine they've just gotten started."

"You think something else will happen," she murmurs catching on immediately. "What exactly? More hunts?"

I hesitate, folding my arms tightly. Knowing that they could be here, maybe even watching me I can't help feeling a bit paranoid.

"Yes and no," I finally tell her. "They don't just hunt Rebekah. They massacre.” 

This only makes her more confused. “What does that even mean?” 

Sighing, I finally confess what I’ve been suspecting since the phone call this morning. “Everyone in the quarter is in danger. Maybe even the entire city."

....

[crushedbyhyperbole]

Beyond Broken - Chapter One

Summary:  Thor struggles with his failure after losing The Infinity War to Thanos.  He spirals into depression, leaving both The Avengers and his Asgardian kin behind.  He is unable to cope with the scale of his loss so he seeks solitude in a small seaside town in Connecticut, where no one recognised him.  There he meets a woman (Jess) who has also lost everything.  Their connection leads to happiness but something looms on the horizon and threatens everything Thor holds dear.  Just as night is to day, light follows darkness, but as the couple learns in an all-too-bitter twist of fate, darkness comes right back around again to finish the job.

Famdom:  MCU, Thor, Avengers

Words:  30k WIP

Warnings:  Survivor’s guilt, depression, self-loathing, angst, sexual content (explicit and fluffy), mild/hinted homophobia directed to secondary character, violence of the canon-typical variety, bit of stalking, and probably some bad language (as standard).

A/N:  This is the first MCU fic I ever started writing, and I hope to do the characters justice.  It’s an angsty tale with feels but it’s likely to have an unhappy ending, so you have been warned.  There are spoilers for Endgame in here for those who still haven’t seen it, and eventually the story will come to be an alternate plot for Endgame. Once again, it’s going to be dark at the end, but there are other universes than these and this is but one of the fourteen million possible endings spoken of by Dr Strange in Infinity War ;)

For more chapters see my Thor Odinson Mobile Masterlist

The Life of Jessica Walker

It had been ten months to the day when a once happy-go-lucky girl lost her whole world.  Jess Walker remembered that day as if it were only yesterday. Each day since had felt the same; hollow, broken, desperate.  The emptiness was ravenous.  It engulfed and ravaged, sapping all but the bleakest of emotion from her.  Ten months without him.

Will Tanner had been the love of her life.  He’d been with her through the loss of her father and then, soon after, the loss of her mother.  They’d made a life together.  Had a nice house in New London.  Good jobs. Pet iguana.  Holidays around the world.  And an engagement ring with an open-ended shelf-life; they’d been married in every way other than the piece of paper that confirmed their status.  Eight years of love and commitment lost in a finger snap.

She’d awoken that morning to the blaring ringer of the bedside telephone.  Groggily she’d answered to a hysterical David, Will’s younger brother.

“Jess.  It’s David.  I need Will.  Mom’s gone.”

Confused and still shrouded in the slovenliness of sleep, it took her a while to realise that David was saying that their mother had passed away.

“Oh my god!”  She gasped, tears instantly springing to her eyes. Turning quickly on the bed to rouse Will she saw he was not there.  “Hold on, he must be in the bathroom.”  She said to David before calling for Will to come to the phone.

There was no response.

She shuffled out of bed quickly, taking the cordless phone with her out into the hall.  The bathroom door was open and the light was off. None of the lights were on.  Had Will stepped out for a walk or to get some breakfast takeaway.  The clock said 9.15am.  Shit!  They were late for work.

“David, I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say.”  Jess returned to their bedroom.  Will’s suit hung on the wardrobe door where he’d put it the night before, ready for work. “He’s not here.  Let me try his cell and call you back.”

David sobbed as she hung up without waiting on a reply.

Jess had been frantic after ringing Will’s personal and work phones to find them both in his briefcase. She’d scoured the counters and bedside units for a note he may have left.  It was then that she noticed the dust.  It was all over their bed, under the covers, swirling in the air as she moved the blankets.

What in God’s name was going on?  Maybe Will had somehow heard the news of his mother and left in a hurry, but both sets of car keys were still on their hooks.  Her panic increased.

It wasn’t until later, after an hour of stressing and crying, consoling David, speaking to friends and co-workers that she finally understood what had happened.  There’d been some kind of alien attack and half of the population had been disintegrated.  She didn’t know the ins and outs, she never kept up with the news because it was depressing but she turned the TV on now to see all channels reporting the horrors that had happened in the night.

Numb, and with the heavy lump of despair sitting in her chest, she stared but didn’t really see the TV as the news caster described the events.

They were saying the effect was world-wide, fifty percent of all life on earth, at random, all gone, turned to dust.  And her William had been one, his mother too.  Her friends and co-workers also, she’d not gotten responses from some, had they been vanished as well?  And Iggy? She looked over to the large vivarium but that too was empty.

She sobbed again, even their pet was gone, she truly had nothing left of their life save material possessions and memories.  She was alone.

Ten months on she still felt the pain of loss but she knew Will would not have wanted her to spin out in a downward cycle of despair and depression.  In some ways the world had moved on, in others it was impossible to fully accept the catastrophic changes.  Jess continued to work as a Dentist, she was lucky that the practice had not folded like so many other businesses, although she was just going through the motions each day.  It was difficult to plug away day in day out when you knew life could be sucked away in the blink of an eye.

Ever since that first day, she’d been as supportive to David as possible.  He took it very hard, losing mother and brother in the same day.  It gave her peace to know that she could help them; David and William Sr. were the last ties she had to the life she’d thought she had secured.  She’d found a purpose in this new world of broken things.

Jess finished at the practice and gathered her things to meet David.  The sky was overburdened with ominous dark clouds and the air was thick with the tension of an oncoming storm.  She walked the three blocks to the little coffee shop on Neptune where she and David met five days a week.  He was waiting for her outside with a cup of her favourite tiramisu hot chocolate, a genuinely warm smile, a soft kiss on her cheek and a yappy Papillon called Daisy Duke.

“It’s nice to see the weather has changed.”  She raised a sarcastic eyebrow, accepting the warmth of the paper cup in both hands. It had been weeks since she’d seen the sun.  She sipped and sighed.  “How are you?”

Today was Tuesday, the first day in her David support week.  Sundays and Mondays she had to herself, but Tuesdays were usually his worst. They walked towards the park.

“Not good.”  He shook his head, hunching his shoulders against the chill carried off the ocean by a strengthening wind.  “Dad’s pretty demanding, I can’t deal with his disappointment.  It’s like, even now, he can’t accept that his other son died and to treasure the one he has left.  To him, the wrong son died.  It’s crippling me, Jess.  You don’t even see it!  He acts differently when you’re there.”

“It’s hard for you both, you’ve lost so much.”  She gave him a reassuring squeeze on the forearm.  “Is he still going to that support group for survivors of Disintegration Day?”

“Yeah, he is.”  David looked at the ground.

“Well that’s great! That should help him loads.”  Jess beamed, her enthusiasm dropping away when she saw the look on his face.  “Why do I get the feeling that it’s not though?”

They crossed the street to Ocean Beach Park where David let Daisy off her leash.  The sky had darkened further with the downward progression of the obstructed sun and the thickening of the clouds.  He kicked pebbles as they walked the paths of the park.

“I dunno, Jess.” David sighed, defeated.  “He’s great when he’s getting ready to go out. Sunday afternoons are nice.  He’s chipper, you know?  Almost happy.  He goes to group in the early evening and it’s like he’s how he used to be when mom…” He swallowed hard.  “But then he comes home, sees me and it’s like he’s disgusted.  Like maybe he knows.  But I’ve been so careful.  I dunno what to do anymore.”

She drew him into a hug and squeezed him tight.  His arms tightened around her back as he sniffed into the shoulder of her jacket. Jess once thought, if she closed her eyes, it almost felt like holding Will again.  After all, they were the same height and build, slim and lean. She knew then, just as she knew now, that she couldn’t ever go down that road, no matter how much she wanted to keep Will alive it could only be in her heart.

“It’s not you.”  She crooned.  “You’re only trying to be happy, David.  No one can blame you for seeking something bright in times as dark as these.”

“I know.”  He nodded, pulling away.

“You’ll feel better once you’ve blown off some steam and that hot man of yours.”  She wiggled her eyebrows comically, grinning the goofiest smile she could muster.

Her reward was a genuinely abashed laugh that burst from him involuntarily.  It both soothed and pained her heart.  He reminded her so much of Will sometimes it nearly killed her.

“You’re terrible!” The blush suited him.  He stuffed his hands into his pockets and settled into a slow walk at her side.  “So what’s new with you since I saw you on Saturday?”

“Oh nothing much, you know me.  Same shit, different day.”  It was easier for him if she didn’t burden him with her feelings.  She knew he struggled enough with his own issues, and for the time being she was coping.   The mantra I can do this chanted over and over in her head each morning seemed to work enough to get her moving, and once she had momentum it was easier to follow it through the day.

At seven o’clock on the dot his phone rang.

“Got to go.”  He handed her the leash.  Daisy was still sniffing around the shrubberies and grasses nearby.  “I’ll meet you back at Neptune’s at ten?”

“Yep, the usual.”  She offered him a weak smile.

“Thanks so much for continuing to do this, Jess.  I dunno what I’d do without you.”  He grinned and dashed off in the direction of amazing sex and short-lived happiness.

It wasn’t that Jess resented being David’s wingman, so to speak, or that he was essentially living a lie. She didn’t even mind that she’d put everything else in her life on hold to be his anchor, or that five days a week she was out in the cold being a dog-sitter.  It was that he’d made no effort to help himself.  No counselling, no psychiatrist, nothing but her; he’d latched onto her almost immediately and she’d gone with it.  She wasn’t exactly one to talk about self-help, mind you, she’d gone to therapy two, three, and four months after Disintegration Day. She’d got to a point where she couldn’t see past the emotions she had, couldn’t see anything else for herself and she’d accepted that as her reality.  Accepted this as her life now.

Daisy came back with a stick, which she threw for the dog again and again.  She seemed to have boundless energy and be completely care free. Jess wished she could feel the same but the sickness of loss had settled too deep, so deep in fact, that she thought she’d never feel any different.  But that was all on the inside, and she covered it over with a warm smile and a bright disposition.  Smile even when the inside is nothing but ash.

Walking the boardwalk with the wind buffeting her hair into a wild mess, Jess was alone.  It was well after nine, all of the people had left save for a few coming and going from a gym up at the top of the park.  She’d been strolling and playing with Daisy for hours, thankfully the dog loved her so it wasn’t a hardship.

Jess hummed a tune into the wind as she walked, it was the most peaceful she felt on any given day. Just her, the ocean, the briny air, the sting of the wind on her cheeks and in her eyes.  The tears that welled up could have been attributed to the blustering wind but they weren’t.  When they fell hot on her cheeks and chilled instantly she swiped them away with her jacket sleeve.  She’d cried enough.  The next droplet to land wasn’t a tear.  The rain had begun.

Urging herself forward she picked up her pace, heading back to the café before the rain became a deluge. Ahead there was a man sat on one of the benches.  The lamp above illuminated his large form, hunched over, elbows resting on his knees. He wore a grey jersey hoodie with the hood up, grey jogging pants and a pair of running shoes.  The peak of a baseball cap poked from under his hood.

The rain had darkened his clothing over his head, shoulders and the tops of his thighs already, and he showed no sign of moving.  As she passed she felt a jolt of fear.  Muggings were rare in New London, but there were still those who sought a thrill in harming or terrorising defenceless women.  She wasn’t exactly defenceless.  She clasped the can of mace in her pocket tightly until she felt safe. The man hadn’t even looked up at her as she’d passed and several glances behind her told her what she needed to know; through sheets of slanting rain he sat there alone, unmoving.

David was apologetic and late.  The barista in Neptune’s had patiently allowed her to remain in the shop even after ten o’clock closing on account of the rain.  He accepted his, now cold, latte with pleading eyes.  A large hickey low on his neck told her that he’d well and truly enjoyed the unplanned overtime on his secret tryst.

With Daisy stuffed inside his jacket they ran the three blocks back to the practice.  In the underground parking garage David babbled about how amazing Silas was, how in love they were, how he wished they could just run away together.

Jess nodded and ahhh’d in all the right places, listening to the happiness bubbling out of him.  It was nice to see him smiling for more than a brief second.  Something must have really happened tonight to make him this excited, but she didn’t pry, he’d tell her eventually, he always did.

Home alone Jess flopped onto the cream leather couch still in her wet coat, where she fell into a troubled sleep.

The rest of the week things panned out in much the same way.  The storm that had blown in on Tuesday night was gone by Wednesday morning only to return again on Wednesday night, Thursday night and also Friday night. By the time she got home on Friday Jess had taken the hint and packed a long waterproof ponceau and some knee-high boots into the trunk of her car, for next time.

David had been late every day that week, leaving her waiting in the rain when the Neptune’s staff had inevitably had to leave at well after eleven o’clock.  Jess had been less than impressed with him, it had felt disrespectful. She soon felt guilty for being annoyed with him, and her frustration hadn’t lasted long.

Each night, on her walk along the boardwalk she had encountered the ‘lonely man’, as she internally named him.  It was as if he sat awaiting the rain, watching as the sky blackened and the air filled with cascading torrents.

On Friday the park emptied earlier than usual, the regularity of the rain driving people away back to their homes.  Jess had no such luck, having to wait on David and his booty call.

“Don’t be bitter.” She muttered to herself.  “He’s happy.”

She’d paused midway along the wooden decked walkway, watching the last of the light die, shrouding the rolling clouds in night.

A noise behind her made her jump.  The lonely man sat on his usual seat, in his grey hoody and jogging pants.  Maybe her talking to herself had disturbed him, maybe her presence distracted him from his meditations, but he looked at Jess with one piercing blue eye. The other was in shadow under his hood.

Daisy was pulling on her leash to go sniff the man.  He didn’t seem phased at all, or indeed amused by all the huffing and puffing the little dog was doing, straining to get closer.  He was stoic, troubled even, obviously wanting solitude.  She could relate.

“Don’t mind us.”  Jess offered a quick smile and a nod before scooping the dog up in her arms and turning back to the waves crashing on the beach.

Half past nine came and there was no rain.  Thunder grumbled in the distance but the sky did not weep.  Jess could almost feel the electricity in the air.  When this storm came it was going to be massive.

AC/DC Back in Black played from her pocket, shocking her out of her daze enough that she nearly dropped the dog over the railing onto the sand.  Fumbling for her phone she swore bitterly.

“Hello, David is everything alright?”

“It’s ten, where are you?” He sounded stressed.

“Still down by the beach, I lost track of time.”

“Seriously?”

“Oh I’m sorry, am I keeping you waiting this time?  Shoe’s on the other foot is it?  At least it’s not raining.”  She snapped.

“Ok I deserve that. Where are you, I’ll come down?”

“I’m by marker twelve. See you in a few.”  She stuffed the phone back into her pocket and repositioned the dog in the cradle of her arms.

David approached at a jog, breathless when he arrived, planting a hasty kiss on her cheek before accepting Daisy into his own embrace.

“I was worried.”  He said with gravity.

“You don’t get to lecture me on punctuality, David, you kept me waiting for hours in the rain three nights in a row.”  Jess let her annoyance flow into her tone.

“I said I was sorry!” He pushed back.

“Yeah, let’s just go.”

Jess turned to leave. The lonely man met her gaze with an amused half-smile, he acknowledged her with a slow blink and a nod.  She returned the gesture and looped her hand through David’s arm as they left.  Part way up the pathway lightning crackled its way across the sky and thunder boomed gun-shot loud overhead.  There was a pregnant pause, a long sighing sound of rain rushing over water and sand, before the curtain closed around them and they were soaked.

Jess glanced back at the lonely man.  He occupied her spot at the railing, his hood down now and face up turned to the sky. There was beauty in the sadness displayed there, in the way he sought to connect with something bigger than himself, maybe the rain washed away that which he wished to be free of.

They hurried to the car and were silent on the drive to drop David at home. Jess packed waterproofs in her trunk before turning in for the night.  Her bed just didn’t feel right, almost like it had those first weeks without Will.  She tossed and turned fitfully late into the night.  Sleep was just beyond reach.

[mandowh0re]

The Universe Takes, and It Gives

CH 1

Summary: The war with Thanos is over, but some sacrifices still need to be made. Will Steve and Tony ever get their happy ending?

Warnings: language? Look you should know by now that all of my fics have that. Angst, unhealthy coping habits, mentions of suicide, eventual fluff.

A/N: In this fic, Thanos happens earlier, Civil War didn’t happen, and Peter is a baby. I also made up the name of the orphanage because I didn’t want to do research. The irondad part of this will be in the next chapter okay thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Word Count: 1554

Happy reading!

In order to destroy the soul stone, someone had to sacrifice themselves.

Steve and Tony stood on the edge of the cliff on Vormir, with Red Skull and Strange waiting behind them.

“A sacrifice for a sacrifice.” Skull had told them.

They had been standing there in stunned silence for the past two minutes. Finally, Steve spoke up.

“It should be me.”

Tony’s head snapped up, his eyes meeting Steve’s.

“What?? No. It needs to be me-“

“The world needs Tony Stark,” Steve interrupted, “It needs its best defender. It doesn’t need Captain America anymore.”

“But I do, Rogers! You can’t just… You can’t just leave! I can’t lose you!”

His voice broke at the end, and by this time tears were streaming down his cheeks and he was choking back sobs.

“Tony,”

“What about everything we wanted? What about the future we talked about! I- I had a ring, dammit! I had a ring for you when this was all over with and I… I can’t do this! Please, you can’t do this,” Tony was full on sobbing now, no longer caring who saw him.

Steve was doing his best not to cry. He didn’t want Tony to see him cry, to see that he was scared. Or that he too, had a ring.

Steve opened one of the many zippers on his pant legs and pulled out a small black, silk bag with a red string that kept it tied shut.

He gently placed a hand on Tony’s cheek, the smaller man leaning into the touch, and kissed his forehead, then his lips. He placed the small contraption Tony had created to hold each infinity stone into his lover’s hands, along with the tony bag.

“Keep the world turning. Because it doesn’t stop without me.”

Tony’s eyes flew open, “Steve, no, please-!“

Tony reached out with his empty hand, but it was too late. Steve had let himself fall back off of the cliff. He watched with horror as the love of his life fell to his final death.

A world war, a fight with a psychopath with a tesseract, a plane crash, seventy years in ice, a fight against aliens, a fight against a HYDRA super soldier and the rest of the murderous group, only to die by his own sacrifice.

The next thing Tony knew, he was sitting in the water, a ways away from where he had previously been a just few seconds ago. In his hand was the purple infinity stone, shattered and no longer glowing.

Taking a few moments to gather what had just happened, he tossed the pieces into the water and opened the bag that was now soaked.

Tipping it upside down, a beautiful silver band tumbled out onto his calloused hand.

Tony’s breath caught in his throat.

Carefully turning the ring, he caught sight of inscription on the inside.

You have been in every way, all I could ever want. I love you.

Strange ended up having to come get him, opening the portal and the cloak carrying most of Tony’s weight as they walked back to Earth.

As soon as the pair came into sight, it was immediately obvious that Steve wasn’t coming back. Nobody spoke a word.

Bucky did, however, fall to his knees. Natasha and Sam went to help him.

Strange handed Tony off to Rhodey, who took him back to the compound to try and sleep, and told the others to meet up there later.

Of course, Tony didn’t sleep. He didn’t eat. He didn’t tinker. He stayed in bed and cried, sometimes showering, and only because Rhodey threatened to use sedatives and give him a sponge bath.

After two weeks of unhealthy habits, starving himself, little to no sleep, and hardly getting any sunlight, Tony’s body shut down.

He was sitting at the table in the dining area, attempting to stomach the noodle soup Rhodey made for him when his vision began to blur and his hearing began to ring. When he tried to say something, he fell to the floor.

The first time he came to he couldn’t open his eyes, and his hearing was muffled, like he was underwater.

“-blood sugar is way too low… gurney up here…”

“-carry him…”

“-heart attack?”

Then he was out again.

The second time he came to he was laying on something softer. But he still couldn’t manage to open his eyes, or even move, to attempt to figure out his situation.

And to make matters worse, this time his hearing wasn’t even clear enough to make out any words around him.

Just an annoying rapid beep.

And what seemed like shouting.

Then he was out again.

The third time he came to, he woke up on the shore of the most beautiful beach he had ever seen. The sand was pink and the water was crystal clear. The sun was high and glittering off the water. There were shells scattered about. But not the tiny, broken, malformed shells you usually find. No, these were fully shaped, brightly colored shells, along with sea glass and sea dollars.

He looked around, finding he was the only one there.

“Hello?” He called out.

“Hello.” Answered an angelic voice.

He turned back around towards the water to see a woman walking out of the water onto shore. She was glowing, literally. Her dress was tan and seemed to flow with gold. Her hair was loose down her back, and a tiara sat on her head perfectly. Water droplets glinted off her dark skin.

For the first time in a long time, Tony was rendered absolutely speechless.

The woman smiled at him, stopping a few feet away.

“I have been so excited for this day. To finally meet the great Anthony Edward Stark. The mortal who defied all odds.”

Tony cleared his throat, his brain finally kicking into gear.

“I- I’m sorry. Who are you?”

“I do not have a name. Nor am I a being. I simply am.”

“That… Actually is the furthest thing from an answer.”

The woman chuckled.

“I am everything. I am the universe. But for the sake of making things easier, you may call me Celeste.”

Tony raised an eyebrow, “You’re the universe… Like you control all things and are all things?”

Celeste shrugged, “In a sense. I am here to help you-”

Tony scoffed, taking a step back, “Help me? Help me?? I’ve been suffering my whole life; I lost my parents, was blown up, tortured, ripped open, backstabbed, poisoned, beaten, lost the love of my life, and now you want to help me??” By now Tony was pacing, his heart pounding in his ears.

Celeste sighed, “Please believe that none of that was my doing. There is good and bad in the universe. As you already know. I am in control over the good. My brother is in control over the bad. Since you were born, we both knew you were destined for greatness, but we both wanted your greatness to amount to something different. When you became a hero, he became angry.

But when you destroyed the infinity stones and defeat a monster who was out to destroy half of of our being, he gave in. I can finally give you what you want most.” She spoke with confidence and power. She outstretched her hand and a white light moved from her palm to Tony, manifesting itself into Steve’s Captain America helmet.

“Steve,” Tony whispered.

But it seemed too good to be true.

“There is just one thing I ask in return,”

“Anything,” Tony looked back up at her.

“There is a boy. He is just over a year old. He lost everyone in this war. He needs someone. You and Steven will adopt him. Raise him as your own. This boy is special, and will grow up to change the world.”

Tony deflated, “Are you kidding me? I can’t just, become a parent! I’m not built to be one! Have you seen me lately? My boyfriend commits suicide to save the rest of us and I’m nearly killing myself.”

The woman only nods, “In time, it will come to you. Just like fighting, it is all in your instincts. You are a smart man, Anthony. You have many people by your side. And you would have Steven as well.”

Tony pulls at his hair and squeezes his eyes shut.

Get Steve back, and adopt a baby?

Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. They’d finally have the little family they’d always joked about.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll do it. Just, please, give me back-“

***

“Steve!” Tony sat straight up clutching at nothing.

“Woah, Tony, calm down.” Bruce gently pushed Tony back against the medical bed.

“But S-Steve he sh-should have-“

“Yeah, he’s in the next room. Cho’s checking him right now.” Tony relaxed and Bruce made himself busy with checking his vitals, asking him basic questions, and checking his reflexes. Finally, he brought up the elephant in the room, “He just… Appeared out of nowhere. I thought you said he was dead?”

Tony stared at the wall, then at the TV which was displaying the news on mute.

At that moment, the name Queens Heart of Children Orphanage came across the screen, making Tony’s heart squeeze in a way he didn’t quite expect.

“Yeah,” he replied, “He was.”

***

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Strikethrough means I couldn’t tag you.

[glitterrhowell]

Chapter 16

Title: Seized

Co-author: fadingcrystalvoid

Pairing:  Daniel Howell & AmazingPhil (Phan

Word count: 2.1k

Warning/Genre: Rape/extreme violence/ depression/PTSD/Degradation/torture/ Non-consensual pretty much everything/Little!Dan/Daddy!Phil/Kidnapping

Summary: What starts out as a day in the Park for Little Dan and Daddy Phil turns into something terrifying when Dan is suddenly kidnapped. Will Phil be able to find and save him before it’s too late? Heavy trigger warning

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A huge thank you to my beta Alyssa (phan-of-the_pen) for putting up with my sloppy messy writing and helping me turn it into something readable!

The first thing Dan noticed as he woke up was that there was pain everywhere. Groaning, he unsuccessfully tried to open his eyes. Bringing his hand up to his eye he wiped at them, blinking them open. The room slowly came into focus, the light bright and bouncing off the white walls. It took him several moments to realize he was in the hospital.

Once he had fully come to his senses, he tensed up and started trying to get out of bed. Where was Phil? He had to find Phil, even if his weak body kept protesting. As he was attempting to get out of bed his door opened. A brunette women stuck her head in, “Oh dear your up!” she said brightly. Her smile faded when she saw he was trying to get out of bed. “Hey, you can’t do that! Stop!” She rushed over, sitting him back in the bed.

“Where’s Phil?” he asked trying to stay calm, his voice raspy.

“Phil dear? I don’t know who you're talking about.”

“My boyfriend! Where is he? Is he alright?”

She gave him a look.

“Why don’t you stay here, dear, and I will go get the doctor.”

Nodding, already exhausted, he leaned back into the bed.

It was several more minutes before an older looking man stepped into the room.

“Hi, Dan. I can’t say I’m happy to see you again.“ he held out his hand for Dan to shake.

“What do you mean again? What is going on? Where is my boyfriend, Phil?”

“Calm down, I will answer all your questions,” he said to try and calm a panicking Dan.

“You were here for several days a few weeks ago, don’t you remember?”

Dan shook his head.

“Well, you were—I could even show you the medical records on it—and you had some pretty severe injuries, so severe in fact that you had to have surgery on your leg, here. Luckily, you didn’t damage it anymore this time 'round and we were able to transfer your foot into a boot.” he motioned to the boot on Dan's foot. “As for your boyfriend, he was brought in and placed in another room, but now that you're awake would you like to be transferred to the same room?”

Dan violently nodded his head.

“Since his injuries turned out to be less severe than yours we will bring him up here."

“Thank you,” he whispered meekly, relief washing over him. Phil would be here and everything would be okay.  

Several minutes later a nurse opened the door, wheeling Phil in a bed in front of her. Dan's heart stuttered in his chest.

“Phil, oh my god, are you alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m just glad to see you're awake and doing well.” He smiled at Dan.

The nurse rolled the bed into place next to Dan's. “I’ll be back in a little bit to check on you two, ok?” she smiled sweetly.

They both nodded their head, not wanting to take their eyes off each other.

~~~~~~~

The two were currently cuddled together in Dan’s bed, just enjoying the comfort of the other's touch and being with each other.

“I can’t believe it’s finally over,” Phil whispered as he kissed his head.

Dan just snuggled closer, burying his head in the crook of his neck and placing a chaste kiss on the skin he found there.

Still being extremely mentally and physically exhausted, eventually both of them fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Dan yawned as he woke up, smiling as he still felt Phil's very warm body next to him.

“Phil?” he whispered.

Phil didn’t respond.

“Phil?” he said slightly louder, thinking how Phil must still be sleeping. But Phil didn't yawn and blink awake like he normally would.

He frowned, “Phil!” he said shaking his shoulders.

Still no answer. Dan started freaking out as the worst possible scenario easily jumped to the front of his mind.

“Help! Somebody help us!”

He was full on sobbing by the time the nurses came running into the room. They took one look at Phil and set to work putting him back in his bed and rolling him out of the room.

“Wait, where are you taking him?” he cried, tears and snot running down his face. He had only just gotten Phil back, how could they take him away?  

He attempted to get out of bed to follow, but one of the nurses pushed him back. She tried consoling him, but he was too far gone with worry to respond. Before he even knew it the nurse slipped a needle into his arm and he fell back into a dreamless sleep.

The next day was a whirlwind for Dan. He still hadn’t seen Phil since they rushed him away, but they did tell him that the infection in Phil’s hand and taken a turn for the worse, so they had him on a heavy dose of antibiotics. He had begged several times to be taken to see him, but they kept telling him that Phil’s immune system wasn’t stable and any virus or bacteria could potentially threaten his life, so they weren't letting anyone visit him.

On the second day in the hospital alone without Phil, they told him that he was being forcefully committed to the psychiatric unit of the hospital. He had tried protesting, but they were very insistent that since Phil was unable to take care of him right now he wouldn't be able to go home by himself.

“Ok Dan, here you go, you will be rooming with Eric here.” The nurse motioned to the skinny looking brunette sitting on one of the beds in the room.

The boy meekly waved at him.

“Eric here will show you around and get you situated, isn’t that right Eric?”

The boy shook his head.

Ok well, I will leave you boys to get acquainted. Dinner is in an hour!” she smiled brightly as she left the room.

Dan set his bag down on the empty bed. He rubbed his neck and looked around his new “home”.

“So you're Dan, huh?” Eric grinned at him. He appeared visibly more energetic now that they were alone.

���Yup that’s me, I guess.”

“Well, I’m Eric Whittaker and guess you will be sharing this hell hole with me for a while huh?”

“Umm yeah, I guess so.”

“Well come on then I’ll show you around this prison.” he chuckled.

During the tour, Eric showed him the rec room where if they got enough points they were allowed to work out. He also showed him the cafeteria area and the “common room”, as the patients  called the space that they could hang out and relax in when they were not in therapy.

Before dinner, they passed around meds which on top of his antidepressants, the doctors had him on some pain medicine for his leg and the dozens of healing wounds that were scattered all over his body.

To say the food looked awful would be an understatement. He cringed at the slop on his tray that they said was lasagna. He wished he was home right now eating pizza and cuddling with Phil on the couch.

He glanced around, looking for a place to sit when his eyes fell on Eric. Dan walked over and set his tray down.

“Is it alright if I sit here?”

Eric didn’t even look up from his tray.

“Yeah sure, whatever.”

Dan noted that he wasn’t the same energetic and talkative person he had met earlier. Dan hadn’t had anything since breakfast, so he dug right into his gross looking dinner.

Dan was so consumed with eating his food he almost didn’t notice Eric not eating his. But he did, and he also noticed when Eric shoved most of his food into his napkin. He quickly hid the napkin in his pocket and got up to dispose of his tray.

“What are you doing?” Dan hissed at him. Dan wasn’t stupid—he knew how places like this worked.

He flinched at Dan’s question.

“None of your fucking business. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to leave.” he hissed back at him.

Startled, Dan didn’t say anything as Eric swiftly walked off, showing his tray to the nurse to prove he had “eaten” his meal and made his way off towards the rooms.

Dan sat alone, eating his meal, but suddenly he wasn’t hungry anymore. He sighed and threw his fork down and emptied his tray. He didn't have to show the nurse his since he wasn’t in for an eating disorder.

He made his way to the common room, not wanting to go back to his room and have to deal with Eric yet. The common room was empty aside from a nurse and a small petite blonde who was sitting in the corner, reading a book. He walked to the other side of the room, making sure to avoid eye contact with the girl. He sat down, picking up his own book in the process.

He really couldn’t concentrate. All he could think about was Phil and if he was ok. The doctors had told him before they made him come down here that Phil was doing better, but was not yet awake.

He adjusted himself on the couch, wincing slightly at the pain that shot threw his abdomen. He turned his attention back to the book, hoping to get his mind off things.

It wasn’t long before he felt the couch dip next to him.

“That’s a good one.”

He jumped at the unexpected voice.

“What?”

“That book, it’s a good one.” The blonde he had noticed earlier motioned to the book in his hands.

“Uhh yeah, it’s ok I guess,” he said, turning his back slightly and returning to the book in hopes she would leave him alone. He didn't really want to engage in any conversations right now. He was overwhelmed as is.

“Why aren't you at dinner?” she asked quizzically.

Sighing he closed the book; apparently, he wasn’t getting out of talking to this girl.

“I wasn’t hungry.”

“Oh you better be careful of that, they are pretty strict around here with eating all your meals.”

“I’m not in here for that,” he said, maybe a bit too harshly.

But the girl didn’t flinch. “Oh ok then. I’m Kate by the way.” She smiled at him.

He had to give this girl credit—she didn’t give up even when he was giving her all the signs he wanted to be left alone.

“I’m Dan.” he sighed.

“Well, hi Dan, it’s nice to meet you!” she said excitedly.

The talked for a little while longer and the more they talked the more Dan found that he liked her. He found out that they had similar tastes in music and video games.

The room started filling with people who had finished their dinner, so Dan bid Kate goodbye before heading back to his room. He didn’t feel like being with Eric right now, but he wanted even less to be in a room full of bloody people.

He hobbled (the boot making it difficult to walk normally) into his room, hoping maybe Eric wasn't there, but he was immediately disappointed when he saw him sitting on his bed. Admitting defeat, he walked in and sat down on his own bed. The room was silent for a few minutes before Eric cleared his throat.

“Listen, man, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to be short with you, it’s just this place you know. Has my nerves on edge.” he rambled, clearly not sure what to say but apologetic nonetheless.  

“Listen it’s fine, you’re right it, wasn’t any of my business.”

Eric looked clearly relieved. “Oh great. So, friends again?” He smiled hopefully at him.

“Sure, friends.” Dan replied. He laid down on his bed and turned away from Eric, hoping for sleep to take him.

~~~~~~~~~

When Phil opened his eyes, he noticed he was alone. He frowned. He could have sworn he had fallen asleep in Dan’s bed last night. He looked around and found the call button to get the attention of the nurse. When he reached for it with his hand, that was when he noticed it was wrapped up, and a sudden pain shot all the way up his arm when he tried to move it. Using his non-injured hand, he pressed the button and called the nurse.

It didn’t take long before one popped her head into his room. “Is there something I can get you, hun?”

“Umm, yeah can you tell me where my boyfriend is?” Phil asked, his voice sounding raspy to his own ears.

“Oh, you don’t know? He was transferred to the physic ward two days ago.”

Wait what, he was just with Dan last night.

The doctor had to come in and explain that the infection in his hand had gotten worse, and he had been out of it for the last two days. He was upset that they had committed Dan to the psychiatric ward. He had known Dan for almost ten years, and if he knew one thing about him, it was that he wouldn’t be happy being in a psychiatric ward. So is first priority was to get well enough to get to see Dan and get them both out of here and back home where they belonged.

[lapzidorus]

Nothing for Nothing

Wha!? Where did everything go? Just a moment before, that car rammed straight into ours, and now it's just me, floating here in darkness stretching as far as I can see – not that I can even see my hands right in front of me because there is no light. I am still wearing my long-sleeved jacket and jeans, though, which was originally to avoid attracting too much attention. Am I dead? Is this what it’s like after you die? Am I just stuck here in eternal suspension, or is my fate still yet to come?

   Something taps the edge of my shoe, and I pull my leg back out of reflex, barely holding back a gasp. I peer down and see nothing still. I reach my foot back out and feel a hard, flat surface – a wall? Or perhaps a floor to settle on! When I reach my hand over for a feel of the texture, the rest of me suddenly plops onto it. Yup, it’s a floor – a cold, though smooth one.

    Relying solely on my touch, I position my hands and legs with care, taking my time with getting up. Once I'm on my feet, I tread forward slowly, reaching my hands out to feel anything in front of me. This goes on for a few minutes before my scrawny arms can’t take any more of the strain and I need to set them down. If only I had exercised more. I sink my hands into my pockets and continue walking, stopping every now and then to feel around the floor in front of me. Where am I anyway, and why is everything so dark?

    Several more uneventful minutes pass by before I decide to sit and rest my tired legs, seeing no more sense in continuing. My mind has gone numb from lack of stimulation, so I might just go to sleep right here. I slip my hood on and lay my head down, doing my best to get comfortable.

    Soon after, though, an assortment of crackling and crunching sounds starts up all around me. Oh, now something's happening! Well, what is it?

    These noises grow slowly louder over a minute or so, bringing my ears moderate discomfort, until they abruptly end. A few seconds after that, a large, round cluster of hexagonal holes, towering at about four times my height, brightens up before me in a crystal-y green color, making me step back in surprise – and turn away in horror. Ugh, I finally see something, and it happens to trigger my mild Trypophobia! At least now I know I haven’t gone blind. What even_ _is it, anyway?

    Once I can bring myself to stare fixedly at the unpleasant sight, my first observation is the source of its light: six closed-up hexagons twice their size of the others surround the edges of a deep hole. Also visible are six dark, bladed wing-like appendages protruding around its sides, and a thick tail of a similar shade that the creature appears to be standing with.

    I then hear the entity speak. “Hhellloooo!” Its swaying, high-pitched voice and its jovial tone fall into an uncanny valley between welcoming and threatening, which is accentuated by the disorienting echoes that bounce randomly around us.

    My mind is falling into shambles! Where am I? What am I looking at? Why are things playing out like this? Was I being watched the whole time? Oh, how stupid I probably looked! What’s going to happen next?!

    Hold on! This could all just be a lucid dream; but my dreams tend to be much faster-paced than this, though. Oh wait, I was just greeted by this thing; I should probably say something too!

    I manage to cough out what seems like the most appropriate question to start things out. “Wha-…who are you?”

    "Ahem." The entity’s voice becomes more controlled, and the echoes settle within it. “Why, I am an overseer of sin, who keeps track of the unforgiven sins of every individual I am assigned to.”

    “S-so-” I tremble at my next words. “-am I…i-in hell?”

    “Nooo, not quite,” the overseer corrects as if trying to comfort me, their wings drooping down a little. “You might consider this your own personal ‘purgatory.' Every sinner has one, constructed and designed specifically for them whenever their life is put at risk."

    My eyes scroll across the surrounding expanse, the only light still being the overseer’s eerie luminescence. I guess this _does _match my propensity for anxiety; just gazing into it threatens to fill me with paranoia of something jumping out at me.

    The overseer continues, "Due to the exclusivity resulting from this system, we can generally only meet up with one person at a time; thus, there must be a bunch of us since many people can die at once, as you may already understand.” Way to rub it in, huh?

    I turn back to the overseer. “So, w-what now?” I ask, feeling slightly more at ease knowing I am not (yet) in hell.

    The overseer proceeds to slither around me as they begin, “Here, you are to reflect back on all of your unforgiven sins and confess them to me personally; this is specifically for your sake as I already know precisely what you're guilty of.”

    A large larva emerges halfway out of one of the overseer’s holes, causing a squeal of fright to just barely leak out of my lips. The overseer then comes to explain, “For each valid sin you properly admit to, no matter how small, one of these little sweeties will pop out to greet you from the hole corresponding to that sin. It seems, however, that this one can already sense your fearfulness, darling.”

    Yeah, I am quite the nervous wreck. “Yeah, heh heh, I do make that aspect of me clear, don’t I?”

    The overseer lets out a creepy, yet also innocent-sounding little chuckle. “Now, if your self-assessment turns out to be fully accurate, you get to decide your own punishment! How does that sound, hmm? We figured if a sinner understands where they went wrong, they might know how they ought to suffer as well, so it’s the least we can offer down here, hm-hm!” They finish their circle around me, their seemingly endless tail keeping me fenced inside, and return to their original height and position.

    So I can choose what happens to me? Does that mean anything so long as it’s bad? What are the rules on all of this?

    “Now, as a fair warning,” the overseer notes, their tone turning a tinge more serious, “we are in full power to bestow our originally planned punishment if we deem yours unfit.” They lean forward in a rather intimidating fashion. “Do you understand?”

    I nod my head in short, meek bobs. “Yes, I understand everything.”

    “Alright then!” they announce with returning cheer, wings thrusted upward. “Let’s get started.”

    I think it over for a bit before I know just what to say. “Okay, well…I’ve done nothing.”

    The overseer’s wings flap oh-so-slightly. “What’s that, dearie?”

    “I did nothing in my life to get here. What I mean by that is, I-I should’ve done stuff but didn’t. I had grown to fear the feelings and consequences of failure, defeat, and disappointment at an early age, so I never took up any tasks that weren't in my direct way like, say, obligatory school assignments, nor did I seize any social outlets. I also couldn't stand up for myself in the oddly few times I was picked on; I_ did_ learn to blend in very well, though."

    The larva wriggles slightly up and down, presumably in excitement. “Very good so far,” the overseer interjects. “Now please, continue.”

    As I allow my repressed feelings of guilt to resurface and guide my words, my delivery smoothens and boldens, and I begin to gently pace left and right. “Furthermore, I held back from speaking my own mind except whenever I was forced to. Even if I shared my own thoughts, though, I wouldn’t have much to say ‘cause I refrained from developing any opinions or beliefs beyond the bare necessities, if that makes any sense. On that note, I was afraid to be skeptical of things, but I was also reluctant to hold faith in them; I wouldn’t commit myself to any side or any_thing._ I became complacent, unsocial, unproductive and, quite frankly, sort of lazy.”

    A second larva slinks out from a different hole while the first one thrashes about more violently. “Yes, yes, darling! Spot on!”

    “My mom eventually caught on to my inactivity, however, and had me join a co-worker’s son and his friends on a trip to someplace I forget. Of course, I couldn't conjure up the strength to resist the order. They were a diverse group, though, I must admit; I probably could’ve made at least one new friend if I tried.

    “Anyway, after our light at an intersection went green, the driver forgot to look both ways, and all the passengers were too busy with themselves or each other to see another driver speeding through from our left. Admittedly, though, I kind of only caught them from my peripherals myself despite my well-developed observational skills. Now, I knew I had to alert everyone in the car, but my lips clammed up; I guess a part of me winced at the supposedly unflattering image of a quiet person like myself suddenly shouting out to "Look out!", so how about we just add pride to this list, too, while we’re at it?”

    At this point my guilt and shame become so overwhelming that I can't look at the overseer anymore, and instead I gaze downward with my fingers gripping my hair and face. “Augh, that would’ve been my turning point; I could’ve saved all those people and started making progress with myself, but I went and blew it, all because I was so cowardly and selfish and pathetic that I couldn’t get myself to actually talk to people or accomplish anything my entire life!”

    I wipe my dampened eyes and cheeks on my sleeves and look back up at the overseer. What a mess I probably look like right now. “And now, here I am,” I sob, swinging an arm open to gesture, “pouring out my soul after it’s already too late for any more such chances. If only I became like this when it still would’ve mattered; I might've actually grown to love myself more.”

    Once I've calmed down, I can see that a peculiar arthropod now rests in the central hole. Could that represent-?

    “Well done, dear,” the overseer congratulates. “You’ve recapped all of your sins with perfect honesty, including the one running behind all sin: pride. Now, your newly found confidence can still serve one purpose.” They lean down in anticipation. “It’s time to choose your punishment.”

    “Nothing's going to happen to me,” I answer in a weak breath of defeat, “not good or bad. What should I reap if I hadn’t sowed anything in the first place? It’s best that you just leave me here to wither out in total isolation.”

    “Hmmm,” the overseer mutters in a jarringly ominous tone. “Perhaps you’re not quite as fun as I’d hoped.” They begin to back out, their tail pulling back out from around me and their light beginning to faintly flicker out. Well, here comes total darkness again.

    Once the overseer vanishes from my sight entirely, those weird crunches and crackles from earlier return, this time they gradually muffling out over time until they are gone once more. A loud, but gentle ting then goes off high above my head as if for closure.

    So...did I choose the right punishment? I figured they would’ve wanted a punishment that corresponded with the deed. It could be that mere isolation isn't severe or intense enough. If that’s the case then, what awaits me now, and how long do I have to wait?

    My next thought makes my heart jump: perhaps the punishment has already started! They might've unleashed a demonic beast of some sort to ravage me for all eternity. Or maybe I'm doomed to forever experience unprompted jump scares with no way to brace myself for them! Oh, the stress is killing me already! I think I’ll just lie back down again; maybe the torment won’t be so terrible then.

    I slip my hood back on and lay my whole body on the floor before shutting my eyes. If only I had the chance to make things right.

    If only I were able to escape this crazy nightmare.

    A bright light suddenly hits my eyelids. I prop myself up with my left arm and protect my eyes with my right hand, letting my hood slide off the back of my head. I note how the light is white. This isn’t a trap, is it; some scare to strike home how there's no hope of getting out? Well, whatever, then; there's really nothing left for me to lose.

    I move my hand aside to see what looks like a huge gash in the supposed ceiling. This opening – and the light emanating from it – seems oddly devoid of the desolation that had enwrapped me since I got here, which I sort of sense burning away. When I stand and take a step forward, I feel my feet lift off the floor, taking me by surprise. I look down to see my blurry reflection on the floor, and half a smile cracks through one cheek. Could I really be receiving grace after death?

    As I am drawn closer to the light, a soft blanket of silk envelops my body, and I close my eyes and lift my head in preparation; it looks like I am being granted salvation! No longer will I waste away my days leaving zero impact wherever I go. I can now become a lively individual who expresses thoughts and emotions in earnest, generates healthy social connections, and learns to feel legitimate love in all of it's forms!

    My new life begins here! 

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

[anyorderofus]

I’ve just stepped on a snail

Hello everybody, 

This week’s blogs are as odd and outlandish as ever but maybe you’ll read something you like.

And if so, why don’t you pop back here next week and read: The lazy persons...

Maybe it’ll be good -  we certainly hope so!

Alexandra & Nico|Nico & Alexandra

ALEXANDRA 

I have decided not to take this blog title too literally, because that could be heart breaking.

I’m going to take it down a more metaphorical route and use it as an analogy to moan about the perils of renting in London, where I live. Well, just about survive.

I consider myself to have been born and bred in London although this is debatable. I’m from one of those places that was renamed a London Borough in – I believe – the mid-sixties. When it happened, all the posh people who lived there opposed it because they wanted to keep their Surrey postcodes, just for their millennial children to face the struggle of understanding their own identities nearly six decades later*

That’s right, old people were causing a fuss for the younger generation long before Brexit. 

Now I live in a fully validated London postcode but fear I might not for much longer. This is where the stepping on a snail thing comes in:

Rent prices are like a big, booted size 11 and the splintering and shattering of the fragile snail’s shell, as the boot comes crashing down on it, is the hopes and dreams of its inner slug. The slug, being me.

I don’t write this in an attempt to solve the issue; it’s all very keyboard warrior. I don’t know what to say, what to do or how to do it but it does make me very sad that I can’t afford to live in the city I love most without feeling financially safe. To feel unsafe is not nice and yet mine is by no means the sobbiest of sob stories. I don’t have kids or a parent to care for, I am freelance – out of choice – and I don’t buy junk food just because it’s cheaper. But people do have kids and parents, they have full-time, tough jobs and perhaps do have to sacrifice an avocado and quinoa stuffed quail’s egg omelette for a microwave burger and chips on occasion, just to afford a roof over their family’s heads and a disapproving look from Agatha’s Mum at the school gates.

People aren’t snails (obvs); we try to make our living situations as home-like as possible with the lingering fear of it never being forever hanging over us. We can’t just up and move as easily as a snail because of family life, commitments and moving costs, nor should we be expected to if we not only choose to live somewhere but if that somewhere is where we are from, where we belong.

Please don’t crush us (snail reference).

So, if you’re a landlord, lady or owner, please spare a thought for everyone you’re renting to in London, especially those who need you to most. Who knows? If you lower your rent to a sensible rate, maybe you’ll win a ‘Renter of the Year’ award and others will follow suit.   

*I may have exaggerated. I rarely think anything of it.

NICO

I’ve just stepped on a snail. I didn’t mean to, it was an accident, I took a step backwards and there he was. Could have been a she, I didn’t get time to ask.

There are known to be 80,000 species of snail on the planet so I potentially have a subconscious fear they’ll keep growing in number until they’re able to take over the planet and start giving things snaily names like in a bad film i.e. Shell Gas, GastroiPods etc. Obviously they’re only really threatening if you’re a lettuce, but I like to think they’ve got better things to do than worry about being eaten all day. Probably writing manifestos for the Green Party or discussing the paradox of voting for vegetarians when they are in fact, endangering themselves, as kebab meat must have saved the lives of many a head over the years.

Either way, back to the life I accidently took. We’ll never know how much or little that wrong step affected the local snail community. Studies have proven that snails do indeed have a homing device, which suggests they have HOMES! A scientist once marked a snail with tipex to see if it was the same one returning to his garden after being thrown out (literally, he wasn’t escorted by tiny doormen). Turns out it did, it knew where it was going. I can only hope the one I inadvertently removed from this mortal coil was on their way to work, not home.

I guess over time I’ll get over it, forget about my little misstep and get on with my life, but there’s the tragedy of it isn’t it. We all leave our mark on nature and just carry on regardless never giving a thought to how it effects the bigger picture of big shared blue planet. Mind you, I might have done the snail community a favour. He could have been a real villain of a snail. Could have rocked up in his big shell next to another one and told them how much hard work it is carrying around such a luxurious home. He could have snuck into other snail’s shells while they’re busy and helped himself to whatever he wanted. He could have rented out his shell for ridiculous London prices, waited till his tenants were financially unstable and jacked the prices up. Or he could have just been a nice little snail. Thanks to my clumsiness, we’ll never know.

I’ve just stepped on a snail, and I will use it as the tinder on which my new passion for small shelled brethren shall burn. I’ll also live in hope for some easier blog titles to come out of the jar. It was like we were TRYING to make them more difficult and abstract…

[bestautochicago]

First Drive: 2018 BMW M5

LISBON, PORTUGAL — The story of the BMW M5 is a fascinating and iconic tale. It was born in 1984, when the fabulous M88 3.5-liter straight-six from the mid-engine M1 supercar was dropped into the shark-nosed, razor-sharp E28 5 Series.

Its replacement, the E34, stayed true to the first car’s formula, with more power and a chassis honed to a deliciously sharp edge. Significant changes were applied to the third M5, the E39, specifically the addition of a 5.0-liter V-8. At first, the purists cried. Then they drove it and those tears of sadness turned to sobs of joy. For the next generation BMW unleashed the wildest M5 of them all, the E60, with its howling 5.0-liter V-10 that revved to a heavenly 8,250 rpm. It had its flaws, but damn it was special.

It seemed the M crew from Munich could do no wrong with what had become BMW’s definitive super sedan.

But that was then. The car we’ve come to Portugal to drive on the face of it has abandoned every principle on which the M5 legend was founded. The all-new F90 series 2018 BMW M5 features a twin-turbocharged engine. It is fitted with a fully automatic gearbox. And–the horror–it’s now all-wheel drive.

The missing link in this story, the outgoing F10 M5, was heavy, slightly ponderous, and only really came alive at unspeakable speeds. The F10 ushered in BMW’s 4.4-liter twin-turbocharged V-8 and a greater focus on luxury. It simply didn’t feel special enough to be an M5. Fantastically capable, yes, but rather cold.

How to superheat the M5 formula once again? I can think of a million ways, but the adoption of all-wheel drive, switching from a dual-clutch transmission to a ZF 8-speed automatic, and focusing even more on luxury for $103,595 large doesn’t make the list. In fact, it suggests that BMW either doesn’t know how to recapture the old M5 magic or simply doesn’t care to do so.

At least that’s the narrative I was expecting to report. However, it pays to be open-minded, for this M5 has rediscovered the magic: It’s more aggressive, the ride is busy and uncompromising, it has simply sensational performance, and the all-wheel drive system is wonderfully fluid and playful. And if you really must exit every corner with a full turn of opposite lock? Just stick it in rear-wheel drive mode and enjoy the sort of over-the-limit balance that has always been an M5 hallmark.

Before we explore the car further, let’s go back to the makeup of this mighty machine. It features a revised version of the 4.4-liter twin-turbo V-8 that now produces 600 horsepower and 553 lb-ft of torque, which is mated to the aforementioned 8-speed automatic gearbox. Thanks in part to the new M xDrive all-wheel drive system, it reaches 60 mph in 3.2 seconds can run from 0-124 mph in 11.1 seconds. With the optional M Driver’s Package, it’s also capable of a top speed of 189 mph.

M xDrive essentially allows the M5 to drive the rear wheels only for much of the time, the central clutch pack only sending power forward when the rear starts to lose grip or under sudden acceleration, when extra stability is needed. The rear axle also features the familiar M Differential, although the four-wheel steering system seen on the M550i xDrive was omitted from the M5 to save weight. That seems a strange decision as it works so well on everything from a Porsche 911 GT3 to an M760Li and would surely afford the M5 even greater agility.

Of course, the M5 offers a wide range of adjustment for pretty much every aspect of its dynamic personality. There are Comfort, Sport, and Sport Plus settings for the dampers, steering and throttle mapping, plus three modes for the gearbox, and you can run with full DSC in the more relaxed MDM mode or with stability control dialed out completely. On top of that, the M xDrive has three modes: 4WD, 4WD Sport, or RWD. You can only select the latter two modes when you disengage DSC, but confusingly, 4WD Sport defaults to MDM mode for the stability control, whereas selecting RWD forces you to run completely without electronic intervention. You have been warned.

If this all sounds horribly complex…well, it is. But helpfully the M5 has two preset buttons on the steering wheel labeled M1 and M2. The idea is to let you experiment with the car’s various modes and settings until you’re happy to commit to two pre-programmed and very personal setups. For the launch event held near Lisbon, M1 kept the car in standard 4WD with steering, engine mapping, and dampers in Comfort—and the gearbox in its most serene mode. M2 ramped things up to 4WD Sport with MDM mode for the stability systems, Sport for steering and dampers, Sport Plus for engine mapping, and tickled the gearbox tickled up to level two of three.

The first surprise? Even in docile M1, the M5 feels eager—aggressive, even. The engine doesn’t have the pumped-up theater of the E63 S, but it matches it for response and revs, with even more energy at the top end. The ride is taut and controlled, too. Over short, sharp bumps the M5 fidgets and thumps. Up the speed and things smooth out, but only a little. On Portugal’s pretty decent highway system the M5 feels never less than firm. Turn on to smaller, more interesting roads and the uncompromising feel of the chassis translates into real agility, excellent body control, and a feeling that this all-wheel drive system favors the rear wheels at all times.

I haven’t mentioned the gearbox yet because it took a while for me to remember it wasn’t a dual-clutch unit. Yes, it’s more mannered than the old M DCT ’box at low speeds, but it’s also more decisive and punchier when you’re exercising the twin-turbo mill.

In M2 mode, the M5 hits hard and clean, and every shift is tight and synchronized perfectly with my requests on the steering wheel-mounted paddles. It doesn’t have that super clean and almost magical feeling of the best dual-clutch ‘boxes, but it’s pretty close and beats rivals like the AMG or the Cadillac CTS-V hands down. I can’t think of an automatic that feels this responsive save the 10-speed unit in the Lexus LC 500.

So it takes just a few miles to be deeply impressed with the M5. In fact impressed is the wrong word. The old car was impressive. The new M5 is fun and exciting—and pretty uncompromising, too. In full luxury mode it, feels like a proper sports sedan; dial everything up to Sport Plus and it’s almost rabid. On these narrow, craggy roads the M5 actually works best with the dampers in Comfort, while Sport Plus feels like a racetrack only setting, which is handy as I’m following brown signs marked ‘Autodromo.’ Estoril is awaiting our arrival.

The old F1 circuit is delightfully shabby with huge, sun-bleached grandstands that reek of faded glory, but Estoril remains a serious test for any car, let alone a circa-4,250-pound monster like the 2018 M5. The M Division worked hard to keep weight down with items like a carbon-fiber roof and despite the adoption of all-wheel drive, the F90 is actually lighter than its predecessor. However, it never fulfils the old cliché of “shrinking around you” on the road. It’s a big car and it feels the part. This much mass plus AWD should mean understeer and plenty of it on the track, right?

Nope. The M5 wants to turn, though you have to be careful not to be too greedy on turn-in. Once the front tires bite and you’re on the throttle, the big sedan errs towards oversteer rather than howling push. The 4WD Sport mode really is effective and while the M5 doesn’t feel as deliberately rear-biased as the E63 S, its behavior is more fluid and natural. On the limit you tend to find some understeer on turn-in, followed by a lovely four-wheel drifting phase mid corner and a little flourish of oversteer on the way out. MDM mode allows you to experience this pretty well, but turn off all the stability systems and the easy-going nature of the M5 even when the tires are slipping and sliding is addictive.

The track also allows you to enjoy the M5’s engine at its full potential. With bigger turbochargers than the previous M5, greater boost pressure (24.5 psi vs. 21.8), and a higher-pressure and more precise fuel injection system, the 4.4-liter V-8 simply chews up straights. The noise feels a little artificial and is clearly augmented by the speakers—and if you love the gargling-with-ball-bearings and spewing V-8 fire and brimstone of an AMG, the M5 sounds a little tame—yet the work it does cannot be criticized. Its character comes not from the soundtrack but from a cocktail of precision and organ-crushing power.

It’s enough to test the optional carbon ceramic brakes to the absolute limit around Estoril. The pedal goes long after a few laps and the M5 starts to shimmy and dance as the braking performance is tested, but they’re going through an extreme and unrealistic regimen: Five fast laps with a half-hearted cool down lap, sit in the pits for three or four minutes soaking up all the heat as drivers swap, then repeat until the fuel tank is dry or the tires are worn out. On the road, there were no issues, but such is the performance on offer here. Given the weight being hauled around, I suspect the carbon ceramics would be well worth the outlay.

By the end of the day the F90 M5 has confounded my expectations. Rather than moving away from the old M5 formula, it has used new technologies to return closer to it. This is a super sedan that can be used every day yet always feels special and doesn’t compromise outright performance for a veneer of luxury.

It’s also an M5 to the core. Breaking all the rules, I tried one lap in RWD mode. The tires needed changing by the time I returned to the pit lane. Welcome back. We’ve missed you.

2018 BMW M5 Specifications

ON SALE Now PRICE $103,595 (base) ENGINE 4.4L twin-turbo DOHC 32-valve V-8/600 hp @ 5,700-6,600 rpm, 553 lb-ft @ 1,800-5,700 rpm TRANSMISSION 8-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD sedan EPA MILEAGE 16/23 mpg (city/hwy) L x W x H 195.5 x 74.9 x 58.0 in WHEELBASE 117.4 in WEIGHT 4,255 lb 0-60 MPH 3.1 sec TOP SPEED 155 mph (189 mph w/M Driver’s Package)

Source: http://chicagoautohaus.com/first-drive-2018-bmw-m5/

from Chicago Today https://chicagocarspot.wordpress.com/2017/12/15/first-drive-2018-bmw-m5/

[jesusvasser]

First Drive: 2018 BMW M5

LISBON, PORTUGAL — The story of the BMW M5 is a fascinating and iconic tale. It was born in 1984, when the fabulous M88 3.5-liter straight-six from the mid-engine M1 supercar was dropped into the shark-nosed, razor-sharp E28 5 Series.

Its replacement, the E34, stayed true to the first car’s formula, with more power and a chassis honed to a deliciously sharp edge. Significant changes were applied to the third M5, the E39, specifically the addition of a 5.0-liter V-8. At first, the purists cried. Then they drove it and those tears of sadness turned to sobs of joy. For the next generation BMW unleashed the wildest M5 of them all, the E60, with its howling 5.0-liter V-10 that revved to a heavenly 8,250 rpm. It had its flaws, but damn it was special.

It seemed the M crew from Munich could do no wrong with what had become BMW’s definitive super sedan.

But that was then. The car we’ve come to Portugal to drive on the face of it has abandoned every principle on which the M5 legend was founded. The all-new F90 series 2018 BMW M5 features a twin-turbocharged engine. It is fitted with a fully automatic gearbox. And–the horror–it’s now all-wheel drive.

The missing link in this story, the outgoing F10 M5, was heavy, slightly ponderous, and only really came alive at unspeakable speeds. The F10 ushered in BMW’s 4.4-liter twin-turbocharged V-8 and a greater focus on luxury. It simply didn’t feel special enough to be an M5. Fantastically capable, yes, but rather cold.

How to superheat the M5 formula once again? I can think of a million ways, but the adoption of all-wheel drive, switching from a dual-clutch transmission to a ZF 8-speed automatic, and focusing even more on luxury for $103,595 large doesn’t make the list. In fact, it suggests that BMW either doesn’t know how to recapture the old M5 magic or simply doesn’t care to do so.

At least that’s the narrative I was expecting to report. However, it pays to be open-minded, for this M5 has rediscovered the magic: It’s more aggressive, the ride is busy and uncompromising, it has simply sensational performance, and the all-wheel drive system is wonderfully fluid and playful. And if you really must exit every corner with a full turn of opposite lock? Just stick it in rear-wheel drive mode and enjoy the sort of over-the-limit balance that has always been an M5 hallmark.

Before we explore the car further, let’s go back to the makeup of this mighty machine. It features a revised version of the 4.4-liter twin-turbo V-8 that now produces 600 horsepower and 553 lb-ft of torque, which is mated to the aforementioned 8-speed automatic gearbox. Thanks in part to the new M xDrive all-wheel drive system, it reaches 60 mph in 3.2 seconds can run from 0-124 mph in 11.1 seconds. With the optional M Driver’s Package, it’s also capable of a top speed of 189 mph.

M xDrive essentially allows the M5 to drive the rear wheels only for much of the time, the central clutch pack only sending power forward when the rear starts to lose grip or under sudden acceleration, when extra stability is needed. The rear axle also features the familiar M Differential, although the four-wheel steering system seen on the M550i xDrive was omitted from the M5 to save weight. That seems a strange decision as it works so well on everything from a Porsche 911 GT3 to an M760Li and would surely afford the M5 even greater agility.

Of course, the M5 offers a wide range of adjustment for pretty much every aspect of its dynamic personality. There are Comfort, Sport, and Sport Plus settings for the dampers, steering and throttle mapping, plus three modes for the gearbox, and you can run with full DSC in the more relaxed MDM mode or with stability control dialed out completely. On top of that, the M xDrive has three modes: 4WD, 4WD Sport, or RWD. You can only select the latter two modes when you disengage DSC, but confusingly, 4WD Sport defaults to MDM mode for the stability control, whereas selecting RWD forces you to run completely without electronic intervention. You have been warned.

If this all sounds horribly complex…well, it is. But helpfully the M5 has two preset buttons on the steering wheel labeled M1 and M2. The idea is to let you experiment with the car’s various modes and settings until you’re happy to commit to two pre-programmed and very personal setups. For the launch event held near Lisbon, M1 kept the car in standard 4WD with steering, engine mapping, and dampers in Comfort—and the gearbox in its most serene mode. M2 ramped things up to 4WD Sport with MDM mode for the stability systems, Sport for steering and dampers, Sport Plus for engine mapping, and tickled the gearbox tickled up to level two of three.

The first surprise? Even in docile M1, the M5 feels eager—aggressive, even. The engine doesn’t have the pumped-up theater of the E63 S, but it matches it for response and revs, with even more energy at the top end. The ride is taut and controlled, too. Over short, sharp bumps the M5 fidgets and thumps. Up the speed and things smooth out, but only a little. On Portugal’s pretty decent highway system the M5 feels never less than firm. Turn on to smaller, more interesting roads and the uncompromising feel of the chassis translates into real agility, excellent body control, and a feeling that this all-wheel drive system favors the rear wheels at all times.

I haven’t mentioned the gearbox yet because it took a while for me to remember it wasn’t a dual-clutch unit. Yes, it’s more mannered than the old M DCT ’box at low speeds, but it’s also more decisive and punchier when you’re exercising the twin-turbo mill.

In M2 mode, the M5 hits hard and clean, and every shift is tight and synchronized perfectly with my requests on the steering wheel-mounted paddles. It doesn’t have that super clean and almost magical feeling of the best dual-clutch ‘boxes, but it’s pretty close and beats rivals like the AMG or the Cadillac CTS-V hands down. I can’t think of an automatic that feels this responsive save the 10-speed unit in the Lexus LC 500.

So it takes just a few miles to be deeply impressed with the M5. In fact impressed is the wrong word. The old car was impressive. The new M5 is fun and exciting—and pretty uncompromising, too. In full luxury mode it, feels like a proper sports sedan; dial everything up to Sport Plus and it’s almost rabid. On these narrow, craggy roads the M5 actually works best with the dampers in Comfort, while Sport Plus feels like a racetrack only setting, which is handy as I’m following brown signs marked ‘Autodromo.’ Estoril is awaiting our arrival.

The old F1 circuit is delightfully shabby with huge, sun-bleached grandstands that reek of faded glory, but Estoril remains a serious test for any car, let alone a circa-4,250-pound monster like the 2018 M5. The M Division worked hard to keep weight down with items like a carbon-fiber roof and despite the adoption of all-wheel drive, the F90 is actually lighter than its predecessor. However, it never fulfils the old cliché of “shrinking around you” on the road. It’s a big car and it feels the part. This much mass plus AWD should mean understeer and plenty of it on the track, right?

Nope. The M5 wants to turn, though you have to be careful not to be too greedy on turn-in. Once the front tires bite and you’re on the throttle, the big sedan errs towards oversteer rather than howling push. The 4WD Sport mode really is effective and while the M5 doesn’t feel as deliberately rear-biased as the E63 S, its behavior is more fluid and natural. On the limit you tend to find some understeer on turn-in, followed by a lovely four-wheel drifting phase mid corner and a little flourish of oversteer on the way out. MDM mode allows you to experience this pretty well, but turn off all the stability systems and the easy-going nature of the M5 even when the tires are slipping and sliding is addictive.

The track also allows you to enjoy the M5’s engine at its full potential. With bigger turbochargers than the previous M5, greater boost pressure (24.5 psi vs. 21.8), and a higher-pressure and more precise fuel injection system, the 4.4-liter V-8 simply chews up straights. The noise feels a little artificial and is clearly augmented by the speakers—and if you love the gargling-with-ball-bearings and spewing V-8 fire and brimstone of an AMG, the M5 sounds a little tame—yet the work it does cannot be criticized. Its character comes not from the soundtrack but from a cocktail of precision and organ-crushing power.

It’s enough to test the optional carbon ceramic brakes to the absolute limit around Estoril. The pedal goes long after a few laps and the M5 starts to shimmy and dance as the braking performance is tested, but they’re going through an extreme and unrealistic regimen: Five fast laps with a half-hearted cool down lap, sit in the pits for three or four minutes soaking up all the heat as drivers swap, then repeat until the fuel tank is dry or the tires are worn out. On the road, there were no issues, but such is the performance on offer here. Given the weight being hauled around, I suspect the carbon ceramics would be well worth the outlay.

By the end of the day the F90 M5 has confounded my expectations. Rather than moving away from the old M5 formula, it has used new technologies to return closer to it. This is a super sedan that can be used every day yet always feels special and doesn’t compromise outright performance for a veneer of luxury.

It’s also an M5 to the core. Breaking all the rules, I tried one lap in RWD mode. The tires needed changing by the time I returned to the pit lane. Welcome back. We’ve missed you.

2018 BMW M5 Specifications

ON SALE Now PRICE $103,595 (base) ENGINE 4.4L twin-turbo DOHC 32-valve V-8/600 hp @ 5,700-6,600 rpm, 553 lb-ft @ 1,800-5,700 rpm TRANSMISSION 8-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD sedan EPA MILEAGE 16/23 mpg (city/hwy) L x W x H 195.5 x 74.9 x 58.0 in WHEELBASE 117.4 in WEIGHT 4,255 lb 0-60 MPH 3.1 sec TOP SPEED 155 mph (189 mph w/M Driver’s Package)

IFTTT

[jonathanbelloblog]

First Drive: 2018 BMW M5

LISBON, PORTUGAL — The story of the BMW M5 is a fascinating and iconic tale. It was born in 1984, when the fabulous M88 3.5-liter straight-six from the mid-engine M1 supercar was dropped into the shark-nosed, razor-sharp E28 5 Series.

Its replacement, the E34, stayed true to the first car’s formula, with more power and a chassis honed to a deliciously sharp edge. Significant changes were applied to the third M5, the E39, specifically the addition of a 5.0-liter V-8. At first, the purists cried. Then they drove it and those tears of sadness turned to sobs of joy. For the next generation BMW unleashed the wildest M5 of them all, the E60, with its howling 5.0-liter V-10 that revved to a heavenly 8,250 rpm. It had its flaws, but damn it was special.

It seemed the M crew from Munich could do no wrong with what had become BMW’s definitive super sedan.

But that was then. The car we’ve come to Portugal to drive on the face of it has abandoned every principle on which the M5 legend was founded. The all-new F90 series 2018 BMW M5 features a twin-turbocharged engine. It is fitted with a fully automatic gearbox. And–the horror–it’s now all-wheel drive.

The missing link in this story, the outgoing F10 M5, was heavy, slightly ponderous, and only really came alive at unspeakable speeds. The F10 ushered in BMW’s 4.4-liter twin-turbocharged V-8 and a greater focus on luxury. It simply didn’t feel special enough to be an M5. Fantastically capable, yes, but rather cold.

How to superheat the M5 formula once again? I can think of a million ways, but the adoption of all-wheel drive, switching from a dual-clutch transmission to a ZF 8-speed automatic, and focusing even more on luxury for $103,595 large doesn’t make the list. In fact, it suggests that BMW either doesn’t know how to recapture the old M5 magic or simply doesn’t care to do so.

At least that’s the narrative I was expecting to report. However, it pays to be open-minded, for this M5 has rediscovered the magic: It’s more aggressive, the ride is busy and uncompromising, it has simply sensational performance, and the all-wheel drive system is wonderfully fluid and playful. And if you really must exit every corner with a full turn of opposite lock? Just stick it in rear-wheel drive mode and enjoy the sort of over-the-limit balance that has always been an M5 hallmark.

Before we explore the car further, let’s go back to the makeup of this mighty machine. It features a revised version of the 4.4-liter twin-turbo V-8 that now produces 600 horsepower and 553 lb-ft of torque, which is mated to the aforementioned 8-speed automatic gearbox. Thanks in part to the new M xDrive all-wheel drive system, it reaches 60 mph in 3.2 seconds can run from 0-124 mph in 11.1 seconds. With the optional M Driver’s Package, it’s also capable of a top speed of 189 mph.

M xDrive essentially allows the M5 to drive the rear wheels only for much of the time, the central clutch pack only sending power forward when the rear starts to lose grip or under sudden acceleration, when extra stability is needed. The rear axle also features the familiar M Differential, although the four-wheel steering system seen on the M550i xDrive was omitted from the M5 to save weight. That seems a strange decision as it works so well on everything from a Porsche 911 GT3 to an M760Li and would surely afford the M5 even greater agility.

Of course, the M5 offers a wide range of adjustment for pretty much every aspect of its dynamic personality. There are Comfort, Sport, and Sport Plus settings for the dampers, steering and throttle mapping, plus three modes for the gearbox, and you can run with full DSC in the more relaxed MDM mode or with stability control dialed out completely. On top of that, the M xDrive has three modes: 4WD, 4WD Sport, or RWD. You can only select the latter two modes when you disengage DSC, but confusingly, 4WD Sport defaults to MDM mode for the stability control, whereas selecting RWD forces you to run completely without electronic intervention. You have been warned.

If this all sounds horribly complex…well, it is. But helpfully the M5 has two preset buttons on the steering wheel labeled M1 and M2. The idea is to let you experiment with the car’s various modes and settings until you’re happy to commit to two pre-programmed and very personal setups. For the launch event held near Lisbon, M1 kept the car in standard 4WD with steering, engine mapping, and dampers in Comfort—and the gearbox in its most serene mode. M2 ramped things up to 4WD Sport with MDM mode for the stability systems, Sport for steering and dampers, Sport Plus for engine mapping, and tickled the gearbox tickled up to level two of three.

The first surprise? Even in docile M1, the M5 feels eager—aggressive, even. The engine doesn’t have the pumped-up theater of the E63 S, but it matches it for response and revs, with even more energy at the top end. The ride is taut and controlled, too. Over short, sharp bumps the M5 fidgets and thumps. Up the speed and things smooth out, but only a little. On Portugal’s pretty decent highway system the M5 feels never less than firm. Turn on to smaller, more interesting roads and the uncompromising feel of the chassis translates into real agility, excellent body control, and a feeling that this all-wheel drive system favors the rear wheels at all times.

I haven’t mentioned the gearbox yet because it took a while for me to remember it wasn’t a dual-clutch unit. Yes, it’s more mannered than the old M DCT ’box at low speeds, but it’s also more decisive and punchier when you’re exercising the twin-turbo mill.

In M2 mode, the M5 hits hard and clean, and every shift is tight and synchronized perfectly with my requests on the steering wheel-mounted paddles. It doesn’t have that super clean and almost magical feeling of the best dual-clutch ‘boxes, but it’s pretty close and beats rivals like the AMG or the Cadillac CTS-V hands down. I can’t think of an automatic that feels this responsive save the 10-speed unit in the Lexus LC 500.

So it takes just a few miles to be deeply impressed with the M5. In fact impressed is the wrong word. The old car was impressive. The new M5 is fun and exciting—and pretty uncompromising, too. In full luxury mode it, feels like a proper sports sedan; dial everything up to Sport Plus and it’s almost rabid. On these narrow, craggy roads the M5 actually works best with the dampers in Comfort, while Sport Plus feels like a racetrack only setting, which is handy as I’m following brown signs marked ‘Autodromo.’ Estoril is awaiting our arrival.

The old F1 circuit is delightfully shabby with huge, sun-bleached grandstands that reek of faded glory, but Estoril remains a serious test for any car, let alone a circa-4,250-pound monster like the 2018 M5. The M Division worked hard to keep weight down with items like a carbon-fiber roof and despite the adoption of all-wheel drive, the F90 is actually lighter than its predecessor. However, it never fulfils the old cliché of “shrinking around you” on the road. It’s a big car and it feels the part. This much mass plus AWD should mean understeer and plenty of it on the track, right?

Nope. The M5 wants to turn, though you have to be careful not to be too greedy on turn-in. Once the front tires bite and you’re on the throttle, the big sedan errs towards oversteer rather than howling push. The 4WD Sport mode really is effective and while the M5 doesn’t feel as deliberately rear-biased as the E63 S, its behavior is more fluid and natural. On the limit you tend to find some understeer on turn-in, followed by a lovely four-wheel drifting phase mid corner and a little flourish of oversteer on the way out. MDM mode allows you to experience this pretty well, but turn off all the stability systems and the easy-going nature of the M5 even when the tires are slipping and sliding is addictive.

The track also allows you to enjoy the M5’s engine at its full potential. With bigger turbochargers than the previous M5, greater boost pressure (24.5 psi vs. 21.8), and a higher-pressure and more precise fuel injection system, the 4.4-liter V-8 simply chews up straights. The noise feels a little artificial and is clearly augmented by the speakers—and if you love the gargling-with-ball-bearings and spewing V-8 fire and brimstone of an AMG, the M5 sounds a little tame—yet the work it does cannot be criticized. Its character comes not from the soundtrack but from a cocktail of precision and organ-crushing power.

It’s enough to test the optional carbon ceramic brakes to the absolute limit around Estoril. The pedal goes long after a few laps and the M5 starts to shimmy and dance as the braking performance is tested, but they’re going through an extreme and unrealistic regimen: Five fast laps with a half-hearted cool down lap, sit in the pits for three or four minutes soaking up all the heat as drivers swap, then repeat until the fuel tank is dry or the tires are worn out. On the road, there were no issues, but such is the performance on offer here. Given the weight being hauled around, I suspect the carbon ceramics would be well worth the outlay.

By the end of the day the F90 M5 has confounded my expectations. Rather than moving away from the old M5 formula, it has used new technologies to return closer to it. This is a super sedan that can be used every day yet always feels special and doesn’t compromise outright performance for a veneer of luxury.

It’s also an M5 to the core. Breaking all the rules, I tried one lap in RWD mode. The tires needed changing by the time I returned to the pit lane. Welcome back. We’ve missed you.

2018 BMW M5 Specifications

ON SALE Now PRICE $103,595 (base) ENGINE 4.4L twin-turbo DOHC 32-valve V-8/600 hp @ 5,700-6,600 rpm, 553 lb-ft @ 1,800-5,700 rpm TRANSMISSION 8-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD sedan EPA MILEAGE 16/23 mpg (city/hwy) L x W x H 195.5 x 74.9 x 58.0 in WHEELBASE 117.4 in WEIGHT 4,255 lb 0-60 MPH 3.1 sec TOP SPEED 155 mph (189 mph w/M Driver’s Package)

IFTTT

[eddiejpoplar]

First Drive: 2018 BMW M5

LISBON, PORTUGAL — The story of the BMW M5 is a fascinating and iconic tale. It was born in 1984, when the fabulous M88 3.5-liter straight-six from the mid-engine M1 supercar was dropped into the shark-nosed, razor-sharp E28 5 Series.

Its replacement, the E34, stayed true to the first car’s formula, with more power and a chassis honed to a deliciously sharp edge. Significant changes were applied to the third M5, the E39, specifically the addition of a 5.0-liter V-8. At first, the purists cried. Then they drove it and those tears of sadness turned to sobs of joy. For the next generation BMW unleashed the wildest M5 of them all, the E60, with its howling 5.0-liter V-10 that revved to a heavenly 8,250 rpm. It had its flaws, but damn it was special.

It seemed the M crew from Munich could do no wrong with what had become BMW’s definitive super sedan.

But that was then. The car we’ve come to Portugal to drive on the face of it has abandoned every principle on which the M5 legend was founded. The all-new F90 series 2018 BMW M5 features a twin-turbocharged engine. It is fitted with a fully automatic gearbox. And–the horror–it’s now all-wheel drive.

The missing link in this story, the outgoing F10 M5, was heavy, slightly ponderous, and only really came alive at unspeakable speeds. The F10 ushered in BMW’s 4.4-liter twin-turbocharged V-8 and a greater focus on luxury. It simply didn’t feel special enough to be an M5. Fantastically capable, yes, but rather cold.

How to superheat the M5 formula once again? I can think of a million ways, but the adoption of all-wheel drive, switching from a dual-clutch transmission to a ZF 8-speed automatic, and focusing even more on luxury for $103,595 large doesn’t make the list. In fact, it suggests that BMW either doesn’t know how to recapture the old M5 magic or simply doesn’t care to do so.

At least that’s the narrative I was expecting to report. However, it pays to be open-minded, for this M5 has rediscovered the magic: It’s more aggressive, the ride is busy and uncompromising, it has simply sensational performance, and the all-wheel drive system is wonderfully fluid and playful. And if you really must exit every corner with a full turn of opposite lock? Just stick it in rear-wheel drive mode and enjoy the sort of over-the-limit balance that has always been an M5 hallmark.

Before we explore the car further, let’s go back to the makeup of this mighty machine. It features a revised version of the 4.4-liter twin-turbo V-8 that now produces 600 horsepower and 553 lb-ft of torque, which is mated to the aforementioned 8-speed automatic gearbox. Thanks in part to the new M xDrive all-wheel drive system, it reaches 60 mph in 3.2 seconds can run from 0-124 mph in 11.1 seconds. With the optional M Driver’s Package, it’s also capable of a top speed of 189 mph.

M xDrive essentially allows the M5 to drive the rear wheels only for much of the time, the central clutch pack only sending power forward when the rear starts to lose grip or under sudden acceleration, when extra stability is needed. The rear axle also features the familiar M Differential, although the four-wheel steering system seen on the M550i xDrive was omitted from the M5 to save weight. That seems a strange decision as it works so well on everything from a Porsche 911 GT3 to an M760Li and would surely afford the M5 even greater agility.

Of course, the M5 offers a wide range of adjustment for pretty much every aspect of its dynamic personality. There are Comfort, Sport, and Sport Plus settings for the dampers, steering and throttle mapping, plus three modes for the gearbox, and you can run with full DSC in the more relaxed MDM mode or with stability control dialed out completely. On top of that, the M xDrive has three modes: 4WD, 4WD Sport, or RWD. You can only select the latter two modes when you disengage DSC, but confusingly, 4WD Sport defaults to MDM mode for the stability control, whereas selecting RWD forces you to run completely without electronic intervention. You have been warned.

If this all sounds horribly complex…well, it is. But helpfully the M5 has two preset buttons on the steering wheel labeled M1 and M2. The idea is to let you experiment with the car’s various modes and settings until you’re happy to commit to two pre-programmed and very personal setups. For the launch event held near Lisbon, M1 kept the car in standard 4WD with steering, engine mapping, and dampers in Comfort—and the gearbox in its most serene mode. M2 ramped things up to 4WD Sport with MDM mode for the stability systems, Sport for steering and dampers, Sport Plus for engine mapping, and tickled the gearbox tickled up to level two of three.

The first surprise? Even in docile M1, the M5 feels eager—aggressive, even. The engine doesn’t have the pumped-up theater of the E63 S, but it matches it for response and revs, with even more energy at the top end. The ride is taut and controlled, too. Over short, sharp bumps the M5 fidgets and thumps. Up the speed and things smooth out, but only a little. On Portugal’s pretty decent highway system the M5 feels never less than firm. Turn on to smaller, more interesting roads and the uncompromising feel of the chassis translates into real agility, excellent body control, and a feeling that this all-wheel drive system favors the rear wheels at all times.

I haven’t mentioned the gearbox yet because it took a while for me to remember it wasn’t a dual-clutch unit. Yes, it’s more mannered than the old M DCT ’box at low speeds, but it’s also more decisive and punchier when you’re exercising the twin-turbo mill.

In M2 mode, the M5 hits hard and clean, and every shift is tight and synchronized perfectly with my requests on the steering wheel-mounted paddles. It doesn’t have that super clean and almost magical feeling of the best dual-clutch ‘boxes, but it’s pretty close and beats rivals like the AMG or the Cadillac CTS-V hands down. I can’t think of an automatic that feels this responsive save the 10-speed unit in the Lexus LC 500.

So it takes just a few miles to be deeply impressed with the M5. In fact impressed is the wrong word. The old car was impressive. The new M5 is fun and exciting—and pretty uncompromising, too. In full luxury mode it, feels like a proper sports sedan; dial everything up to Sport Plus and it’s almost rabid. On these narrow, craggy roads the M5 actually works best with the dampers in Comfort, while Sport Plus feels like a racetrack only setting, which is handy as I’m following brown signs marked ‘Autodromo.’ Estoril is awaiting our arrival.

The old F1 circuit is delightfully shabby with huge, sun-bleached grandstands that reek of faded glory, but Estoril remains a serious test for any car, let alone a circa-4,250-pound monster like the 2018 M5. The M Division worked hard to keep weight down with items like a carbon-fiber roof and despite the adoption of all-wheel drive, the F90 is actually lighter than its predecessor. However, it never fulfils the old cliché of “shrinking around you” on the road. It’s a big car and it feels the part. This much mass plus AWD should mean understeer and plenty of it on the track, right?

Nope. The M5 wants to turn, though you have to be careful not to be too greedy on turn-in. Once the front tires bite and you’re on the throttle, the big sedan errs towards oversteer rather than howling push. The 4WD Sport mode really is effective and while the M5 doesn’t feel as deliberately rear-biased as the E63 S, its behavior is more fluid and natural. On the limit you tend to find some understeer on turn-in, followed by a lovely four-wheel drifting phase mid corner and a little flourish of oversteer on the way out. MDM mode allows you to experience this pretty well, but turn off all the stability systems and the easy-going nature of the M5 even when the tires are slipping and sliding is addictive.

The track also allows you to enjoy the M5’s engine at its full potential. With bigger turbochargers than the previous M5, greater boost pressure (24.5 psi vs. 21.8), and a higher-pressure and more precise fuel injection system, the 4.4-liter V-8 simply chews up straights. The noise feels a little artificial and is clearly augmented by the speakers—and if you love the gargling-with-ball-bearings and spewing V-8 fire and brimstone of an AMG, the M5 sounds a little tame—yet the work it does cannot be criticized. Its character comes not from the soundtrack but from a cocktail of precision and organ-crushing power.

It’s enough to test the optional carbon ceramic brakes to the absolute limit around Estoril. The pedal goes long after a few laps and the M5 starts to shimmy and dance as the braking performance is tested, but they’re going through an extreme and unrealistic regimen: Five fast laps with a half-hearted cool down lap, sit in the pits for three or four minutes soaking up all the heat as drivers swap, then repeat until the fuel tank is dry or the tires are worn out. On the road, there were no issues, but such is the performance on offer here. Given the weight being hauled around, I suspect the carbon ceramics would be well worth the outlay.

By the end of the day the F90 M5 has confounded my expectations. Rather than moving away from the old M5 formula, it has used new technologies to return closer to it. This is a super sedan that can be used every day yet always feels special and doesn’t compromise outright performance for a veneer of luxury.

It’s also an M5 to the core. Breaking all the rules, I tried one lap in RWD mode. The tires needed changing by the time I returned to the pit lane. Welcome back. We’ve missed you.

2018 BMW M5 Specifications

ON SALE Now PRICE $103,595 (base) ENGINE 4.4L twin-turbo DOHC 32-valve V-8/600 hp @ 5,700-6,600 rpm, 553 lb-ft @ 1,800-5,700 rpm TRANSMISSION 8-speed automatic LAYOUT 4-door, 5-passenger, front-engine, AWD sedan EPA MILEAGE 16/23 mpg (city/hwy) L x W x H 195.5 x 74.9 x 58.0 in WHEELBASE 117.4 in WEIGHT 4,255 lb 0-60 MPH 3.1 sec TOP SPEED 155 mph (189 mph w/M Driver’s Package)

IFTTT

[nicolas-dark]

DEAD MAN (short story)

Prologue/Introduction: GAME ON.

Life ist full of mysteries one can't even imagine. You don't know of the doors you can open in this world; We even don't know what we're cappable of for ourselfes.

Life's a game, right? Who ever said that, wasn't that stupid. But it's not life itself, that's the game. It's people, who play games. Sometimes they even don't know by themselves.

But you should be carefull, whom you play games with.

Maybe, one day it will be the devil himself, you are dealing with...

Chapter One: Days Of Tears

Well, it all began the day my wife commited suicide.

She couldn't stand the agony of a heart's decision that would've shattered her heart in any case; no matter how her choice would be. I couldn't help her at that time. I was too busy, drowning in my own tears about her agony. I would call it the days of tears. There was no moment I wasn't crying. When I didn't shed the tears, I was sad in the inside. One broken heart and one broken soul.

And two little children, not knowing about anything that was happening to their parents.

She didn't leave any note. Wasn't necessary to write down what I already knew and noone else should ever know about it! The crying didn't stop, the day she died. But her agony finally came to an end. That's what I thought! But the night she had been taken to the morgue I kissed my kids goodnight after sharing an ocean of tears with them, I had a strange dream.

I thought it was a dream…

The kids were sleeping in their bedrooms and I finally found some sleep on the couch after drinking up two bottles of whiskey and a bottle of rum, mixed with coke.

My head found its way to the orange pillow on the couch and I closed my eyes.

Someone tipped on my shoulder. I opened my eyes in expectation to see one of my little ones.

But instead it was a tall man, with short black hair and a compassionate expression on his face.

He looked at me gently and his eyes told me, he knew everything about me and he understood.

I mumbled „Who...who are you?“- I was too drunk to ask how he came in here.

„I can be a friend, if you let me.“, he said in a soft and warm tone.

„I don't need any more friends!“, I responded tired, still lying on the couch.

„Are you sure about that?“, he asked. „I have interesting news for you!“

That brought back my vitality for a moment and I sat on the couch.

„What news? Did I win something?“, I asked in a japing tone.

„You could say so!“, he spoke calm.

„I did not do any sweepstakes-“

„Your wife is not dead yet!“, he interrupted me in the middle of my sentence.

„What? What do you mean? She killed herself last monday!“

„Yes, that is true, but she's not really dead. At this moment she's going to be judged and afterwards she will be put into purgatory, because she commited suicide-“

„She is in purgatory? Man, don't make fun of me right kow!“, I yelled at him.

„I'm not joking! She's not, already! But she will be.

I am telling you that there is a way to get her out of there!“

I remained silent, staring at the man with the short black hair, expecting to wake up from a dream.

Chapter 02 Go To Hell

„Yes, it is true.“, he broke the silence.

„You can go to her and bring her home!“

I stared at him, still not getting all the words together.

„How?“, I asked.

„Go to hell.“, he sensed my reaction and added: „No, really. You have to go there!“

„And how do I get there? Should I kill myself too?“

„No. This way you would get there too, but you'd also be bound to your purgation!“

„So, what's the plan?“, I asked him angry.

„Go to hell.“, he said again and I gave him a distrustring look.

„You can't just go to purgatory, unless you die. But then you won't have a chance to get out!

But the lost souls go straight to hell after that, so there's an opening from this side. That's where you come in: I'll bring you to hell and you wait for hell's side of purgatory to open. Then you get her and I'll send you back.“, he offered me.

„Come with me.“

„What's the fly in the ointment?“, I replied.

„Well, you have to serve me for a while...“

„Won't I be too late, if I serve you first?, I asked concerned.

„No. Time doesn't exist in hell or in heaven. It will be like you've never been away, when you come back...and your wife will be just about getting put into purgatory when you arrive in hell, because right now she's in the judgement phase. Your timeline will just stop in the moment you choose to go with me. If she's not been put into purgatory at that time, she even won't have to go through it, because you are there to get her right in the moment she arrives!“, his words gently sang to my mind and pictures of the old times popped in. Happy times. The two of us sitting on a bench on the balcony at my parent's.

The two of us taking a set of black'n'white pictures in a photocabin.

The first time we met at the night club and at a friend's party; having our first kiss.

How wicked she asked for a kiss from a person to be so kind and as I turned to her and just gave her the kiss!

The night she asked me for a place to stay over night and I took her home and we watched movies that night, ending up kissing and... oh, I wanted to get her back so badly!

„Time stands still, while I'm away?“, I asked him briefly, not to loose too much time.

He nodded.

„Okay, let's go!“

Chapter 03 Hell's Days 

First day down there I was torn into pieces, literally.

His demons put chains on my arms and legs and let them get ripped off; again and again.

Everytime I was seperated into pieces I found myself fully restored, ready to be destroyed again.

The pain I felt was horrible, every single time and I lost count of it after 31!

After that point I just stared into the distance, screaming and crying with just one thing in my mind:

my wife … who maybe was in purgatory right now.

Second day, -and I just call it the 2nd day because it was the time the demons changed from tearing me apart to putting stakes into my body, they stuck them into my chest, my head, into my arms and legs; even into the eyes and other parts I even can't remember right now.

I screamed my heart out until my lungs hurt and cried. I screamed, but no tone came out. I was one single meatbag of pain. Again I kept looking into the distance having one thing in mind: my wife.

The day I would call the third, felt like the third year. My hair didn't seem to grow down there, neither did my nails. Like I was told, time didn't exist down there. So I got no proof of how long I really stayed there. The demons wanted to get me bound on a thick stake, that was rammed into the ground. One of them put his long, thin and sharp nail into my back, pushing me towards the stake.

It was a burning ground. They obviously wanted to have BBQ and I was the meat!

Then I recognized that it wasn't a nail the demon had stuck into my back. It was something like a knife, made of a shard of glass. It took me only a few seconds to get this thing out of the demon's hand and another few seconds to cut his throat with it. Those demons really weren't tall, just one or two inches more than me. I killed the other one that had been following us to the burning ground an hid behind a great black rock. I was breathing heavy and loud. Sweat ran off my face and my hands; my whole body was a big sweaty mess. I checked the place behind me. No demons to be seen, but then I felt a hand on my shoulder. As I turned my head and looked into the deep and dark eyes of...him, again! I had not seen him since the second I agreed to go with him. There he was, looking at me. He seemed to be pleased. He smiled and took me by the hand, still saying no word.

As we reached something like a throne made out of old and tiny horned skulls

he started a conversation:

„So, you have broke your chains and rose to a new level!“, he began his speech.

„You are no longer a Punished. From now on you are a Punisher!“, he exclaimed with a triumphant tone. I didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about!

„When do I get to the purgatory portal?“, I asked. I didn't get an answer.

He just handed me a long blade. The handle seemed to be made out of bones. The blade itself was dark and looked like black glass. Then some demons came into the throne room and brought in a sobbing, miserable and human-looking meatbag As I should get to know it was my part to execute this poor creature and to punish him. Again and again.

I did this for several times, with different „creatures“ and for a long time.

I can't remember having a break. I didn't feel good, torturing all these „people“ and at some point I started to look into the distance again. Just having the focus on the one and only thing in my heart:

my wife! I had to get to purgatory portal!

Chapter 04: Point Of No Return

I am not aware of the time I spent down there, but it felt like a thousand years. I was the main executioner in hell. With time I gained much influence and got to know some demons who led me to the purgatory portal. I was excited to finally get there. But it wasn't that easy. The portal existed, but I had to wait until it opened and gave free some poor damned souls. I slipped through the opening and found myself in the middle of...nothing!

There was nothing but blackness. I couldn't see anything in there. It was cold, damn! Freezing cold. Nothing to see, even my own hand seemed to be gone.

I could hear my steps with a large hall. I carefully and slowly put one foot after another towards the darkness, afraid to step over the brink of something like a hill. I expected to fall down a cliff every second. But nothing happened. But then I could hear voices. Silent, like far away. They became louder as I walked on. There were many voices, mourning and screaming in different languages. I didn't understand what they were screaming and shouting. Some were just screaming in pain, not forming any words. The sound of everlasting pain and agony kept on getting louder and louder with every step I took. But still nothing to be seen.

I wondered how I would find my way back as I realized that there was no way to find out how to get out of this. Somehow-I did not know why I did this, I closed my eyes and with that second all the screaming and mourning stopped. I stood before a bright gate overfloating with bright light. Then , in the middle of the gate, under the shimmer of the bright light I saw the silhuette of a woman I once knew very well. She was standing on the other side of the gate, staring into the darkness where I was standing. It was her! I recognized her hair and her voice! She was speaking to someone, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. It seemed as if she was answering to someone's questions. She nodded her head from time to time and spoke hasty. I came closer to the gate and saw her face. She looked right through me and was talking to someone in front of her, but not me. It was like she was standing in front of a mirror and I was on the other side; but she only could see her own reflection, or someone else. But not me right in front of her. Then, suddenly she turned her back to the darkness where I was standing and I could see that someone took her hand and lead her away from the darkness. I made a step towards her, reaching out my hand but I could not get through to the other side. Something was holding me back. The light around the bright gate expired and I would never see her again. I was left standing in the darkness, still not realizing what had happened in this very second. After a while of just standing there in the darkness, silently, I felt a hand on my shoulder.

„She has been given remission.“, a well known voice whispered in my ear. I was back in hell and Luzifer continued: „She confessed her sins and was given salvation. She won't come through purgatory. She's in heaven now.“

Everything in me broke into pieces as he finished this sentence.

Now I finally lost her. She confessed and wasn't sent through purgatory. I spent some time staring into nowhere, looking for the picture of her in my mind but it just slowly faded away into grey and dusty fog until it just disappeared. „What's now? Shall I go to heaven?“ , I asked Luzifer.

„No, you cant't get there from here! This happens to be your point of no return.“

Chapter 05: Back

As he had promised, Luzifer brought me back home, into my life on earth.

But nothing had changed. I still stood in the living room. Looking at the couch and the empty bottles on the table. I wandered through the house. I passed by the kid's rooms and listened to their silent snorring, that could be heard outside the doors of their rooms.

I carefully opened the door to the first room and stood before the bed. I gave my kids goodnight kisses and closed the doors behind me. I tried to realize what just had happened.

Had it all just been a dream? A horrible nightmare?

The kids were there. I was there. But my wife...gone. It was still the day she had been taken to the morgue. Well, the years passed by and life went on. I saw my kids growing up and getting jobs and having their own families. The day before my first grandchild was born I had an heartattack and was brought to hospital. But there wasn't any consequential damage and after I got out of the hospital I played with my grandchild in the garden. Then my other grandchild was born and I raised them telling stories about their grandmother they never had the chance to get to know and I always tried to smile, but the pain of the loss never faded away. There were days I cried endlessly. Nights I lay awake and was thinking where she might be right now. Was she in heaven? This strange experience back there, it had been a dream or-?

Then suddenly I felt a bite in my heart and it all got black again.

Chapter 06: Home

Well, the bite in my heart, it was another heart attack.

As I am realizing now, I am in a hospital again. Another bypass and white uncomfy walls.

I can hear the machines pumping oxigene and I try very hard not to close my eyes.

Why do I try do keep my eyes open? What for?

I have seen my kids growing up and raised them to be good parents, as they are right now. I have thought their lovely children everything I could. And my love...long gone.

My love!

I close my eyes and there is a tiny glimmer. The glimmer transforms into a pair of lips. They are smiling happily, They are laughing!

There comes a nose and a pair of bright blue eyes and it is combined into a face very familiar. The laughing voice is not laughing, it is talking, softly. I can hear the words „See the light!“ It is my wife's voice and face! I open my eyes and-

Yes, I can see the light! It's shimmering and bright and overwhelming!

And there you are! Finally I can see you; can hold you in my arms again!

Finally I am home!

Chapter 07: Epilogue

The games people play; they can have a plot.

This plot is no guarantee that the game will end as expected.

That is what makes life...LIFE and not a game. Life is not a game. It is a gift.

Don't get like -and be aware of, those people who play games and get lost within theirselves;

struck down by their own passion for gaming...

[ziggydageek-blog]

Scorpio

The days turned to weeks as time always did; the weather grew progressively colder. Here and there I’d catch sight of the large black dog that had once occupied the space in front of my fire, only to turn into the man who occupied the side of my bed that one night. I kept busy, in hopes of keeping the loneliness at bay. November had just started when I came home to find a familiar form. On the top step sat the shaggy dog; my heart skipped a beat, only to land somewhere inside my stomach. “You Came back,” I whispered as I tapped my wand against the lock. Hearing the clicked, I pushed the door, the giant dog pawing it fully opened before allowing me to enter. The bag I held in my other arm contained groceries from the non-maj market I had Apparated to just outside of Hogsmeade. With the wave of a wand and an utterance of a spell, I Magicked them to their proper cupboards. “Witchy enough for ya?” I turned to face where the dog had been, only to be greeted by the still skeletal Sirius Black. He leaned forward on the table, Apple in hand, the crunch reverberating off the cabin walls. “You been practicing that all month, have ya?” He grinned at me. The containment of my joy was a feat I couldn’t tell you to this day how I accomplished; it threatened to break thru the surface at any moment. I spoke calmly, calculated, tho I wasn’t so sure that’s how I came across, “so, I meant to ask you last time, why exactly are you lurking around Hogswarts? That Potter boy is murmured about often here, so I’m gonna go out on a limb here-” Sirius cut me off. “You’re smart, I’ll give you that,” he placed the apple core on the table. “Yeah,” he continued, “Harry’s a part of it.. his dad, James.. he was my best mate.” Sirius looked down at the finish on the wooden table and continued his explanation to whatever pattern it was he had focused on. “But he’s not the only reason; the rat I told you about? He’s up there. Funny thing,” though the tone of his voice told me he didn’t find it so funny, “good ol’ Pettigrew has been living in the pocket of Harry’s best mate.” I gulped, “some coincidence, huh?” Jaw clenched, he shook his head. I seized the silence to ask what had burned since we first spoke, “ so this… Pettigrew, you called him? He’s like… an ACTUAL rat? Or just..” “He’s an animagus too. We all are. Were. Well, besides Lupin. But that’s another story,” he finally looked up from the spot he had been fixated on. “It’s my birthday today,” his signature smirk fixed on his lips. Stunned, i stuttered, “Wow! Well uh, ha-ha ppl birthday!” Unfazed, he shrugged it off with, “I happened upon a paper today, noticed the date. It’s no big deal but it means now I really am 34..” The sentence faded off. Letting the silence fill the cottage for a moment; there was a request bubbling up inside of me that I’d wanted to ask since I realized what he was capable of… “Teach me,” Came out; I hadn’t meant for it to be a command, tho that’s how it felt on my ears. I cringed, then added, “please.” Sirius looked at me, as tho he were evaluating me on a level deeper than I could fathom. “What shape does your patronus take?“ He asked. Slightly Stunned by his response, I froze before I amswreed. It had been awhile since I had used the spell, tho given the environment we were in, it was worth brushing up on. "Expecto Patronum!” I yelled. A white light filled the cabin; from the wisps formed a lynx. When he saw this, a full blown smile lit up the sunken features. “Suits you,“ he chuckled. “What’s that supposed to mean?” “Simple,” he smiled, “you never know want animal you’ll turn into but a good indicator… but you.. You’re just cat like. Smart, independent; you also get this look in your eyes when you’re thinking like life is one giant chess game and you’ve gotta stay three moves ahead for fear you’ll perish.” My mouth dropped. “You can tell all that-” I let the sentence finish prematurely. Sirius looked at me so smugly, I had to fightback the urge to smack him. “Cheeky,” he winked, as tho he could read my thoughts. Blushing I prodded, “is that a yes?” “Could be,” again, he leaned back in the chair. “What’s in it for me?” “How about I don’t turn you in?” I pushed the back of his chair so that all four legs returned to the floor. Unabashed, he pulled the fronts of my robes, making it so that I looked him dead in the eye. “If you were to uh…‘turn me in’,” he drawled, “You’d already have done so..” he let go, and I wished he hadn’t; my knees had gone weak. Sirius relished in that fact for a moment, before decidedly declaring, “sure. What the hell, right?” My heart again skipped and I shrieked, “yes!” “Remember,” he warned, “this isn’t gonna happen over night. And since I can’t be seen going to the same spot too often, our meetings will remain sparse.” As tho he read my mind, he stated,“ any suspicious activity could be noticed, even if the perpetrator is an oversized dog.” Apparently I did poorly with my attempt to cover the confusion I felt, for Sirius took one look at me and felt compelled to follow up with, “I got into the castle. Halloween night. So 4 days ago now.. safe to say everybody’s guard is up,” he laughed humorlessly. An emotion took over me, one I could only articulate by shouting, “ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?” Sirius leapt from his spot at the table, his posture like on the defensive. “What, you think you’re the only one here with a past? You think you’re the only one haunted by it?” The anger in his voice was palpable. Stunned, but unwilling to let go of my newfound anger, I argued, “You do realize the differences in our positions, correct?” “OH, YOU MEAN HOW YOU’RE THE DAUGHTER OF THE MOST EVIL MAN KNOWN TO WIZARD KIND AND I’M AN INNOCENT MAN WHO WAS FRAMED 12 YEARS AGO FOR A CRIME I WOULD NEVER COMMIT?!” The words hung in the air; it made it almost hard to breathe. Sirius’s ribcage expanded and deflated beneath the torn robes. It felt as tho somebody had kicked the wind out of my lungs; tears threatened to fall down my face. Finally, I mustered the strength to inform him, “the only reason I give a shit… is because I care.” It was Sirius’s turn to look stunned. “All I meant,” he started, and I could hear how calculated his voice was so as to keep the biting edge out of it, “was that you’re not the only one here who has had something.. shape them. You’ve got to realize, all that I had in that place, all that I clung to, what kept me sane was the- this obsession. And being this close, THIS GODDAMN CLOSE!” His fist met the table. The emotion that had gripped me started to loosen it’s grip. “You were out of line,” I muttered before I turned and went to the room. As a laid on the bed, the tears that I had held back finally burst thru. Between silent sobs, I heard Sirius muttered, “fuck,” beneath his breathe. The legs of the chair scraped the floor and footsteps grew louder the closer he got. I felt the bed barely sag beneath the weight his weight; his hand gripped my shoulder. Even tho it looked frail, the grip he had surprised me. Gently, he ran his hand from my shoulders to the base of my head, then down along my spine. Nobody had ever touched me that way; all I knew was aggression or withheld love… this felt soothing. More than that, it awoke something within me I had never even had stirred. Influenced by this, I turned to face him. His grey eyes stared down at me, brows furrowed, a look of apology painted on every line of his face. “Look,” he started. “I don’t know what I’m doing here. I’ve no fucking idea. This is, indeed, stupid, reckless…. but if I’m honest, I suppose that’s part of the appeal.” Again, the hurt surfaced and I heard myself say, “so is that all I am to you? Some cheap thrill?” He barked, his hand making its way to my cheek, where he held it firm as he said, “There is nothing ‘cheap’ about you; the fact is, plain and simple, you’re the only peace I’ve ever known..” he let the sentence settle in. A lump formed in my throat. Swallowing, a tear took advantage of the bodily distraction and fell to where Sirius’s fingers lay. Unfazed, he wiped them gone. “I know what it’s like… the loneliness.. I’ve spent over a decade alone..” he trailed off. He needn’t say more; I more than understood. “Kiss me,” I breathed. He obliged; the hand on my cheek lifted my face so that our lips met. The simple act ignited a flame in me. I needed him, suddenly and ferociously. Sensing this, Sirius pulled me deeper. His tongue parted my lips, and I did nothing to resist. I allowed it to pull my tongue into his own mouth, where he sucked it, creating another level of lust inside of me. The hand that wasn’t holding onto my face found its way inside of my thighs. Unwilling to resist, I allowed him to part my legs. Motivated by this, his kisses become more passionate. His mouth moved down to my throat, his tongue gently licking in circles. I felt as his thumb met my clit; unable to suppress it, I let out a moan. “IS this what you want?” He whispered into my ear. Expertly, he pressed his thumb on my clit, gently rubbing til I could feel it harden. Feeling it too, he looked down, saying , “I’ll take that as a 'yes’,” and before I knew it, he placed his head between my legs. “Oh my God,” I muttered. I had never been as wet as I was in that moment; Sirius noticed. He placed two fingers inside of me. When he pulled them out, he smiled to himself before placing the two fingers into his mouth where he sucked my wetness off of them. My breathe left my chest and before I could catch it, his face was where his fingers had just been. Placing his fingers on either side, he spread open my lips, exposing my clitoris. He picked once, twice, then fixed his lips around it and started to gently suck. “Sirius,” I gasped, completely enthralled. Ignoring me, he continued to suck on my clit, his two fingers back inside of me. I had never felt so turned on in my life. Sirius took note and raised himself to meet my mouth again. Grabbing at his face, I forced his mouth against mine, tasting myself on his lips. “I want to feel you inside of me,” I spoke against his mouth. An excitement overtook him. Raising himself above me, he pulled his robes over his head. As he did so, I ripped mine off entirely as well. Sirius looked down, and smiled. “It’s been awhile,” he muttered as he lowered his body on to me. He was hard and I felt it press against my inner thigh. I reached down, wrapping my fingers as far around it as I could; he was large, indeed. When I closed my hand, it barely made enclosed the circumference. He emitted a low growl as I worked my hand up and down his throbbing cock. “Fuck,” he muttered, eyes closed. His hand wrapped my hair around his fist, while the other had two fingers inside of me. Unable to take it anymore, I told him, “put it in me already, Sirius… please..” he readily obliged. I removed my hand and Sirius took his fingers put of me; he grabbed his dick and rubbed the tip against my clit. I watched him, not wanting him to stop. Finally, he moved his cock down and gently, placed the tip in. He pulled back, then thrusted it in. A moan escaped my lips just as he let out one of his own. I felt every inch of him work it’s way in me. When he pulled back, it slid easily, a testament to my arousal. Slowly at first, he built up a tempo that rendered me speechless. Suddenly, a sensation took hold of me. I felt the tingling intensify and my scalp started in as well. He continued to thrust and it only took a few more moment before the tension erupted. I loaned loudly. My scalp tingled and I felt my pussy tighten around his cock. Following suit, he finished in me, then collapsed onto the bed next to me. “Oh.. my God..” I whispered out of breathe. “Yeah,” he answered, his bare chest rising and falling. “I- I think… you gave me an orgasm,” I looked at him. He turned to face me, a smile played across his lips. Taking my head in his hand, he kissed my forehead, then wrapped his arm around me to pull me in. “I suppose I did,” he whispered to my shoulder blade. “Happy birthday to me.”