#but husband is eternal and I will wait for his comeback like a wife for her man

[ari-dark-raiden-simp]

The only method for NRS to catch me and my money

[ri-translates]

Translation: Itaru Chigasaki [Schoolhouse at Dusk] - Heart-Throbbing! Kasugamine Academy Part 3

Izumi’s heart-throbbing story comes to a close as Itaru pitches an idea to Sakyo.

NOTE: Part of this backstage story does take place in the play of the “I Come with the Night” event. While it isn’t a spoiler for the event itself, please be aware that it does feature the characters and vaguely follows the story of the play.

Part 1 || Part 2

Izumi: Haa, haa…. Umm, I turn right here, then ring the doorbell up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right twice… [1] Hm, the command….?

When I messaged the LIME ID written on the card, I got a reply back from Tadano-kun saying, “Teacher, help me….!”

He sent a message with an address and a map simultaneously, so I quickly headed in the direction of that location.

Izumi: (I don’t know if something happened, but it seems like an emergency.... I have to hurry!)

I thought I should’ve messaged Futami-sensei, who’s responsible for Tadano-kun’s class, but it’s in the late evening, and in the first place, I don’t even know Futami-sensei’s contact info.

Not being able to get in touch with him his vexing, and in a panic I rushed to the location without a second thought.

Izumi: (If I remember correctly, Shinbashi-kun is a part of Futami-sensei’s class, right? I’ll try asking him if he has Futami-sensei’s contact information later. I have to get in touch with him.) Haa...Haa...I-Is this the place? (It seems like it matches what’s on the map, no doubt about it. Even so, is it really this building? It seems kind of hard to enter….) (I’m a little scared, but….because Tadano-kun wanted me to rescue him, I must go.)

…..Okay.

Shigeto: Oi.

Izumi: Kyaa!?

Shigeto: ……

Izumi: Oww…. W-What is it? (Who is this person? He suddenly grabbed my arm, and on top of that, it’s like he’s glaring at me…)

Shigeto: *sighs*…. Even though I went through all that trouble saving you in the afternoon, to think after all that it’d end up like this….

Izumi: Eh…..? (Saved me in the afternoon? But that was…No way, that’s not possible.) No, I believe this is the first time we’ve met….?

Shigeto: *sighs*…. Well, that reaction is a given.

Izumi: Eh…..? W-Wait a second…!?

(Isn't his face suddenly inching closer!? He’s got a solid grip on my arm, I can’t move my body!)

Shigeto: I won’t wait.

Izumi: (“I won’t wait,” he says! He’s within breathing distance...!) [2]

Shigeto: You still don’t know even after looking at my face this closely? I am….

Shinbashi: Izumi-chan!?

Izumi: Sh-Shinbashi-kun!?

Shinbashi: Let go of her!

Shigeto: ……

Izumi: Why are you here, Shinbashi-kun…..?

Shinbashi: I happened to see Tadano- at the station, and I thought it was strange at this hour so I quickly chased after him, but I lost sight of him midway through. When I took a good look around, I went searching in this area because this isn’t a place high schoolers come to at all.

And then, I saw you get involved with this guy, Izumi-chan.

Shigeto: ….I’m not involved in particular.

Izumi: Oh yeah, I also got a message from Tadano-kun on LIME….

Kondo: !! Eh, why are you…..

Tadano: ……

Izumi: Tadano-kun and Kondo-sensei!? Eh, why are the two of you together?

Tadano: Izumi-sensei, help me!

Kondo: Hold it, oi! Tadano!

Izumi: Ehhhーーー!!

(What does he mean by, “help him?” What kind of relationship does Tadano-kun have with Kondo-sensei….?) 

Based on the situation where she doesn’t know what’s going on, the first thing Izumi says is….

Options: A: Just who exactly are you, Shigeto?

B: Shinbashi-kun, what should we do in this situation?

C: Kondo-sensei, what kind of relationship do you have with Tadano-kun?

D: I’ll save you right away, Tadano-kun!

Itaru: ...So with that kind of feel, what do you think about trying to make and sell a romance game paralleling the play this time?

Manager: It’s a great ideaーー

Sakyo: Rejected.

Tsuzuru: This totally feels total déjà vu.

Itaru: Ehh, but I think we should sell something a little different once in a while though~

Tsuzuru: I’ve never heard of a theatre company that sells homemade romance games for profit! Speaking of which, mind telling me what kind of content occurs in each route after the branching point?

Itaru: In Kondo’s route, the heroine’s talent for sports suddenly blooms, and they aim for the three-legged race in the Olympics! In the true end, they get the gold medal.

Tsuzuru: Well, Kondo’s character setting is a married man.

Itaru: In Tadano’s route, the heroine is invited to an illegal gambling house where she awakens her talent for gambling, making a killing as a female gambler! Cha-ching!

Tsuzuru: Isn’t this completely deviating from the romance?

Itaru: …...I guess, to each their own. Of course, there’s not just happy endings but bad endings as well. We’ll need a walkthrough for that.

Masumi: And if you pick my route, the director and I will be husband and wife in the ETERNAL HAPPY END…..

Tsuzuru: I can’t even make a comeback for that!

Sakyo: *sighs*.....

Chikage: What if you make it yourself, Chigasaki? Why not demonstrate your true ability as a gamer, huh.

Izumi: An Olympic athlete and a gambler….

Sakuya: Romance games are amazing!

Manager: Why does curry bread pop up every now and then?

Izumi: But that’s what I’m really excited about.

Chikage: You thought even the director would agree to it if you messily tossed in mentions of curry, huh. 

Sakyo: *sighs*.....He’s not necessarily wrong about that, though.

Tsuzuru: What a schemer…..

Itaru: I wonder who you’re talking about?

Citron: A frightening romance game! [3]

Manager: But it’d be fascinating if we actually make it happen! Please let me handle the BGM!

Itaru: Right? I thought it’d be a good experience for Tsuzuru to try writing a full-scale scenario for a game.  Game scenarios have various peculiarities with choices and branching points.

Tsuzuru: No, thanks. Spare me.

Itaru: But you said you’d write a game scenario for me someday where I’m the protagonist with my own harem. You’re just gonna have to get used to writing this kind of stuff while you can. [4]

Tsuzuru: Of course it’s related to that!

Itaru: ….Can’t you?

Tsuzuru: Even if you make that face, “no” is no!

Itaru: Ehh.

Sakuya: Itaru-san’s passion for games is really amazing, isn’t it!

Citron: Itaru's held strong, too. [5]

Tsuzuru: I think he means, “headstrong.” [5]

Masumi: …..I also want a romance game with you. I’ll make it myself and have Tsuzuru write a happy ending for me and the director.

Izumi: Ehh!? Hold up, Masumi-kun!

Citron: Ooh! In that case, I’ll have Tsuzuru write a lovey-dovey princess game about me and the director….

Sakyo: All of you, every single one of you, utterly rejected!

TL notes and comments:

[1] ↑↑↓↓→←→←

[2] Izumi says 息がかかりそうな距離なんですけどっ....！and I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure how to translate this but I think this is what it means. 息がかかる can mean “having someone’s backing/having someone’s personal support” but I think it can also mean “breathing.” Throw in 距離 or distance, and the fact that Shigeto is in the MC’s face, I’m gonna assume he’s so close to her, he’s basically within breathing distance.

[3]  Citron says おそろしい, meaning frightening or terrifying, which might be wordplay on 面白い, since Isuke’s mentions that the game would be 面白い, interesting or fascinating, if they make it.

[4] This whole sentence is a disaster. 綴はいつか俺が主人公のハーレムゲームシナリオ書くんだからさ、こういうノリの執筆にも今のうちに慣れておかないと. BUT BASICALLY that’s the gist of it. Itaru is reminding Tsuzuru that he promised he’d write make Itaru a protag with harem so writing Heart-Throbbing! Kasugamine the romance game is a good opportunity to get accustomed to writing romance games like this professionally. He should do it while he still can.

[5] Gotta love Citron and his Japanese (i feel). He says  渋滞 (traffic jam) which I decided to translate as “held up” then mangled it further to “held strong” because it sounds similar to “headstrong,” which is what Tsuzuru says (しぶとい).

Huge shoutout to my amazing friend Medu @hanevma​ for providing me with the story!! 💕💕💕 Itaru day is still on going so I’m hoping I can get one or two more translations up before it ends in the west. Stan a man who plays all kinds of games, even otome games LOL

As always, thanks for reading! If you spot any mistakes or translations errors please don’t hesitate to let me know! I am not a professional translator or localization pro so take this translation with a grain of salt.

Part 1 || Part 2

[picturetoburnnn]

From Kisses to Hospital Visits | l.h. x reader

word count - approx. 2k

warning - the f-word is used like twice?? some severe angst here with some fluff interludes

a/n - I wrote this in one sitting because the idea came to me and i have nothing better to do on a wednesday night lol. hope y’all like it! if you ask nice enough there may be a part 2

taglist - @songforhema @asht0ns-world @lukesflaredpants @sunflowerxcal @star-gazing-calum @cxddlyash @emomack @merryblueberry02 @kinglyhood @caswinchester2000 @babe-babylon @irwinkitten @1delicate-fangirl dm me to be added!!! 

Y/N wiped her eyes with one hand as the other clutched her lover’s limp fingers.

“You gotta wake up, baby,” she whimpered, covering her mouth to try to muffle her cries. The metal of her engagement ring was bitingly cold against her skin, but she paid no attention. “You have to wake up for me, Luke.”

The beautiful blue eyes remained shut. He looked dead, even though the vital monitors showed his body worked just fine. Every part of him was functioning perfectly, except his conscious mind.

Luke lifted Y/N in the air, hands on her hips as she squealed.

“Luke! Put me down!” She laughed as he spun her in the air.

Luke’s eyes twinkled, his grin brighter than the Christmas lights that hung all over their home. 

Softly, he placed her feet back on the ground. His forehead pressed against hers as his grin softened to a sincere smile. Y/N’s arms curved around his neck, fingers tangling in his ever-messy curls.

“I love you,” he whispered. “I say it a lot, but it never feels like enough. I’ll never be able to tell you just how much I love you.”

She gently placed a hand on his cheek. “I know.”

Luke’s eyes met Y/N’s. His hand found her free one, intertwining their fingers between them. They were swaying now, dancing to a song only they could hear - their heartbeats made the bassline, their thoughts the lyrics. “A thousand love songs couldn’t do you justice.”

She felt her eyes water slightly as she told him “I love you more.”

He let out a breath of amusement. He said, as he did every time she said those words, “Impossible.”

“How is he?”

The new voice shook Y/N out of her thoughts, looking up from her place by his hospital bedside to see Luke’s bandmates in the doorway. Ashton’s hands were stuffed in his pockets, despair clear in his face. Calum and Michael didn’t look much better off. But how could they? Their best friend was in a coma, after all. 

Y/N quickly wiped her eyes again before sniffling. “No changes. Doctor said all we can do now is wait.” She averted her eyes back to Luke, scared she would miss the moment he opened his eyes. 

Ashton nodded, stepping into the room. He crossed the room with one despairing look at the boy that had been his brother for so many years. “And what about you? How are you holding up?”

“I’m okay,” she mumbled, another tear falling. She didn’t bother wiping it away. She just kept staring at the motionless body of the love of her life.

“No you’re not.” He crooked a finger under her chin, forcing her to look at him. In the past four years, Y/N had become like a little sister to Ashton. He wanted her to be safe from pain like this her whole life. He never thought she’d have to experience this.“When did you last eat?”

“I said I’m fine, Ash,” she protested, removing her face from his touch. “I need to be here.” Her gaze fell back to Luke. All the cords and wires on his body broke her heart. How broken inside really was he? When would her Luke come back? With smiles and gentle kisses and everything this Luke was missing. 

“Y/N,” Calum said quietly from across the room. He and Michael had taken post standing on the opposite side of the hospital bed, near the blonde’s head. “You need to eat. You need to sleep. He wouldn’t want you to do this.”

“You don’t know what he wants,” she blurted before she could stop herself. “He’s in a fucking coma, he can’t tell any of us what he wants.” Ashton’s hand was suddenly on her shoulder. 

“Y/N…” 

She exhaled as easily as she could. “I’m sorry. That was rude of me, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, y’know,” Michael spoke for the first time since they’d arrived. All eyes turned to him. “It’s okay to be worried, it’s okay to snap. But you have to take care of yourself. Luke would kick our asses if he woke up to find out you were in a hospital bed too. If you won’t, would you please let us help?”

At first, she said nothing. When all of the boys simultaneously gave her a pleading look, she sighed. Without a word, she nodded. 

“C’mere,” Ashton mumbled, gently tugging at her shoulders until she stood from the uncomfortable swivel chair she’d been in for the last twenty-something hours. He led her to the couch, sitting down and tugging her down too. He gently pulled her to lay down, head in his lap. “Get some sleep, angel,” he mumbled. She vaguely heard him ask someone to go get food, attention focused primarily on her fiance’s form.

“It’s so hot,” Y/N whined as they walked down the street. 

“Not as hot as me,” Luke sassed teasingly, clearly amused with himself. 

“Luke, I love you, but I think this one-hundred degree heat has got you beat.” Y/N fanned herself. 

The vacation to Florida had sounded good in theory, but the couple quickly realized it was an awful idea to come in the middle of the summer. 

“Oh come on,” Luke half whined, half laughed.

“I tell you what.” Y/N’s eyes shifted up to her then-boyfriend as he spoke. “Once we get back to the hotel, we go hop in the pool to cool off.”

She almost moaned at the idea. “Oh my god please yes.”

When they returned later that evening, true to his word, Luke threw the bikini at Y/N as he changed into his swim trunks. The couple raced like toddlers to the outdoor pool. Haphazardly throwing their stuff onto the nearest chair, both Luke and Y/N cannon balled into the water. 

“I won,” Luke boasted smugly once they broke the surface again.

“Nu-uh! I totally beat you in!” Y/N laughed as she splashed the singer. 

“No you didn’t,” Luke scoffed.

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Yeah!”

“You’re a sore loser.”

“Since when did you talk to yourself?”

Luke didn’t have a snappy comeback, so he maturely stuck his tongue out. Y/N rolled her eyes as he waded closer to her. 

“Admit defeat.” He pulled her to straddle his thighs as he leaned against the pool wall in the five-and-a-half-foot deep water. 

“Never.”

“Then you leave me no choice,” he said dramatically. 

Before Y/N could even lift a confused eyebrow, Luke dunked her underwater. 

She resurfaced, spluttering. “What was that?!” 

Luke had lost himself to laughter, practically clutching his sides as he cackled. 

“Meanie!” Y/N splashed water at him, pretending to be mad as she turned her back on him. 

“No, baby,” he mumbled, voice still tinged with laughter. “I’m sorry.”

“No you’re not,” she challenged. 

“I love you.” His arms wrapped around her middle. She felt his front against her back as he pressed a kiss to her shoulder. 

Y/N spun to face him. “Prove it, Mister Meanie Pants.”

His lips met hers immediately, fiercely. It was innocent but seductive all at once, passionate but light. 

After what felt like an eternity in the best way, he pulled away. “Did I prove it?”

“I don’t know,” she smirked. “I think I might still need to be convinced.”

Luke rolled his eyes, but leaned back in with a wide smile. 

Y/N didn’t remember falling asleep on Ashton’s lap, but when she woke, there was a bag of french fries sitting in front of her, still warm. Ashton’s hand was gently smoothing her hair, his other scrolling through his phone. She shifted in the smallest way, and Ashton immediately knew she was up. 

“Hey,” he whispered, careful not to wake the other boys who had fallen asleep almost as soon as they got back. “How’re you feeling?”

“Better,” she mumbled whilst stretching sleepily. “How long did I sleep?”

“Just a couple hours.” At her widening eyes, he added, “There’s no news on Luke.”

Y/N nodded. 

Ashton and Y/N spoke softly about small things, about what they would do after Luke woke up. 

When there was a flash of movement in her peripheral vision, Y/N stopped talking mid-sentence, head whipping to the side.

“Y/N?” Ash questioned, concerned.

“Shh!” She held up one finger at Ashton, signalling him to be quiet.

Y/N swore her heart stopped the moment he moved again.

Then, like a spell had been lifted, Luke’s eyes fluttered open. 

“Y/N, you know I love you.” Luke started one evening as they sat cuddled together on the couch, watching whatever comedy special happened to catch their attention that night. 

Y/N looked up at him from where she was resting on his chest, clearly confused. “...Yeah?”

“I love you and only want the best for you--”

“Luke, what’s going on?” He could see the panic starting to build up in her mind and he had half a mind to forget what he was about to say and kiss away the anxiety instead. 

“I… I don’t think I can call you my girlfriend anymore.” 

Y/N bolted upright, now straddling him. “What?”

“I think that you and I… we aren’t fit to just date anymore. I’m sorry, angel.”

Y/N’s eyes were watering. “But I love you,” she stammered.

“I love you too.”

“But I can’t be your girlfriend anymore? What the fuck Luke?” At this point, she actually was crying, and Luke wanted to forget everything he had planned. He wanted to scoop her up into his arms and kiss her face until the pain disappeared. 

“I can’t call you my girlfriend,” he said as he reached into his pocket, “because I really, really want to call you my wife.”

Confusion was written across her face until he brought out a little velvet box. 

“I can’t live being your boyfriend. I want to be your husband, your rock through the long and hard times. I want to be your home, like you’re mine. I want to be able to love you every day for the rest of my life. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up with you in my arms until the day I die. I want to marry you.”

Tears fell from her face, though now for an entirely different reason. Both hands covered her mouth as she looked back and forth from Luke, to the ring, and back again. She nodded slowly at first, until she couldn’t help repeat the motion incredibly fast. 

“Is that a yes?” Luke laughed. 

“Yes!” She blurt out. “Oh my god, yes. I love you so much, yes yes yes a million yesses.”

The curly blond grinned as he brought his lips back to hers in a sweet kiss. 

“You’re an ass,” she mumbled with a smile brighter than the stars, lips against his.

“Why’s that?” He beamed.

“Making me think you’re breaking up with me instead of spending the rest of your life with me.”

He laughed, placing his forehead on her shoulder as he fiddled with getting the ring out of the box. 

Luke slid the ring onto her finger, pressing another kiss to her lips. “Gotta keep you on your toes.”

“I love you,” she breathed. 

“I love you more.”

“Impossible.”

He grinned.

Y/N nearly ran the whole three steps over to the bedside. “Luke? Oh my god, you’re okay.”

Tears sprang to her eyes as she enveloped him in a hug. Hesitantly, he returned the gesture.

Y/N pulled away, a wide smile on her lips. It faded fast with the blond’s three words. 

“Who are you?”

[xiaohaos]

Come Back Home - The8/Minghao

Word Count: 2,222

Genre: Angst/Fluff (when will I stop writing in this genre lol)

Summary: Minghao gets into an accident and is in a coma shortly after his wife tells him that she is pregnant

A/N: one of the first fics I’m posting that ISNT the first draft. I’m trying not to be so impulsive with my posts now to provide better quality content! So I hope you enjoy, I worked really hard on it!

It should be peaceful watching him sleep but the tension in the air is suffocating. You’d been seeing the same scene, over and over again for the past few months. Was it 3 or 4? You had lost track already. Spending as much time as you possibly could with your husband.

It could be worse.

At least that’s what everyone’s trying to convince you. And honestly you thought it couldn’t get worse when he was all mummified in bandages, but as they slowly unravelled and stitches got removed, the reality sank in deeper. Minghao was comatose.

There was a longing in your heart for his hand around your waist whenever you travelled together. His warm, plush lips on yours every morning as you woke up, legs tangled with the sheets and with each other’s. The heat of his body warmth against yours during a movie marathon that you barely paid attention to. All replaced by the cold and loneliness.

He was unresponsive to your every plea and beg, sob, wail, and anguished cry. The heartbreaking chokes that would fall out of your mouth when the days dragged on longer and seemed lonelier. It was almost like he was gone from you, and the worse part is, it felt like it was all your fault.

If you hadn’t begged him to follow you to your first doctor’s appointment, he wouldn’t have been speeding to make it on time and he wouldn’t … be here, serenely lying on the crisp hospital sheets, hair fanned out on the pillow, his roots needing a touch up, arms laying limp on his sides, with no sign of movement whatsoever, other than the gentle rise and fall of his chest.

It was almost as clear as day, the moment you received the call. Your blood running cold, legs trembling as they struggled to hold your weight up. Staggering to the emergency room and the agonisingly prolonged wait outside the OR. Only to find out that he was saved, but not awake.

Why? Why him? Why now when I need him the most?

You would ponder on nights where you were the only visitor and the silence was overwhelming. Slipping your hand in his limp one and praying to some higher power that maybe, just maybe you would feel a slight twitch. But keeping his consistency each time, nothing ever happened.

It became increasingly difficult everyday, carrying the heavy burden of being on your own most of the time. As well as, having to nourish yourself for the second life you were carrying. Some days when there was no one to turn to, you even talked to the child being protected by the walls of your womb. Probably a sign that you had been driven into losing your sanity bit by bit, but at least you had a constant companion.

“We found out the little one’s sex today, Hao.”

Another tiresome day of facing reality had passed. With all the had gone on, news of your child’s growth should leave you euphoric - a milestone had been achieved. But with a lack of his presence did it really matter?

Whilst intertwining his fingers with yours as much as you could, feeling the groves and callouses of his palm that he had gotten whilst dancing, of course they were nearly as rough as they were when he was active. You stroked the long hairs of his light brown fringe off his forehead - where they were messily strewn over his eyelids -and sighed. He’d wanted to grow it out, along with what you would affectionately call the “cow-lick” at the back of his neck, to set off a trend he could be proud of. You had warned him that it could possibly get in the way of his vision but he insisted.

It would irritate his eyes when he woke up.

“It seemed wrong to do it without you, but I just wanted to have something exciting to tell you today” So that maybe you’ll wake up. The last bit remained unsaid but in the tone of your words, the tinge of hope was ever so prevalent.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t go by myself. Gyu came with me… for moral support.”

Throughout the past couple of months, Mingyu alongside Soonyoung had been strong pillars in your life. What with handling the paper work for both Minghao, yourself and the baby, being able to handle your finances and pay bills on time. The essential things that one could forget with their brain scattered because of all the situations that occurred at once. He’d offered to tag along after he found out what appointment it was today and you eternally grateful for his presence because you were sure to have broken down without him there.

Here goes nothing.

You took in a deep breath before opening your mouth again.

“Haohao, She’s a girl. She’s what you’ve always wanted. I know we’ve always said that it doesn’t matter as long as we have a healthy baby but I know deep down inside you’d have a soft spot for a first born girl.”

Your eyes began to sting and become out of focus as you felt the cooling tears slide down your rosy, burning cheeks as you recalled the discussion you had with Minghao when you first told him you were pregnant.

He picked you up spun you around, giggling in elation. The expression on his face was unmistakable for nothing but happiness. He looked at the long white stick twice and double checked it another three times. Gazing into your eyes and cupping your cheeks in his hands, he exhaled.

“We’re actually having a baby!”

True smiles emerged on his face on that day, as he blubbered about his parenting plan, the best place for the baby to sleep and most importantly what he always wanted to do with his future child. Most of it involving styling them up to be the trendiest kid on the block.

“I have the ultrasound here with me, she’s growing so well, maybe if you could open your eyes you could see?” Your eyes flitted to your wallet on the bedside table where the scan was neatly fitted into one of its pockets. You’d mentioned it because you knew that he never got the chance to see it before. The temptations that you had been laying out for him to wake up, have gotten less and less subtle over the period of time he had been hospitalised. By now, it was almost like you were straight up asking him to get up.

Pent up frustration grew in the depths of your heart as once again, you got “ignored”. He laid still, the heart rate monitor still at a constant beat, and no sound was emitted from his mouth. Your vision became more blurry as salty droplets fell freely in torrents from your tear ducts, dampening the sheets below you.

“Minghao, please.” The request was choked out, it was getting harder to breathe and even harder to elicit a sound. You don’t know what came over you but you began frantically shaking his shoulder, almost like the panic had finally settled in that maybe you were all on your own.

“I need you here with me, please!” They became screeches of desperation. All you could think was how he had been missing his daughter’s first special moments before she was born, and how empty you felt inside. How it was unfair to be left all on your lonesome. You were in hysterics, yelling out incomprehensible nonsense until you felt a hand on shoulder. And stopped.

Mingyu who had waited outside for you to have some privacy with Minghao, barged into the room when he heard shrieks. Seeing you trying to forcibly trying to shake Minghao awake, he darted to your side and tried to calm you down. You swallowed a large gulp, panting heavily as Mingyu helped you up from your seat, letting go of Minghao’s hand in the process.

“Come on, y/n. Let’s get you home.”

You didn’t visit Minghao the next day, and it was the first day you hadn’t seen him since he had been admitted. You took time for yourself, walking around your apartment, to think through every possible outcome, even the chance that you could be raising your daughter alone.

And though it may have ended off in a near nervous breakdown and a 5 hour Skype call with Soonyoung and Mingyu. It managed to put things into perspective and line up everything in as neat a row as possible. Allowing you to amble into the hospital room with a clear mind the next day.

Sitting down in the chair beside his bed like you always do - it had become a routine of yours, you took his hand and held it between both of yours tightly, massaging the back of his palm and his fingers.

“Hao, I’m sorry for my outburst. I miss you.” You started off, saying the things you had consolidated yesterday.

“I guess it’s been hard for me, without my lover and my best friend, to make decisions on my own. I wish you were here

because I mean, we promised to get through this together and -“

You halted, feeling a strong jolt in your abdomen. You’d never felt that before? Heart racing, you tried fathoming what was happening, with a billion jumbled up thoughts rushing through your head, it was nearly impossible to comprehend. Until it happened again. Another jolt, this time lower down. Somehow a circuit closed and the processing light bulb lit up with a ting.

She’s … kicking?

Quickly, you placed Minghao’s palm on the curve of your bump where she was being active and prayed that she would kick again. The doctor always mentioned that stimulation of the main senses could help and what better way to encourage it by using your daughter’s movements.

And she did.

Right where Minghao’s hand was.

“Did you feel that Haohao?” You asked excitedly, elated that he finally was present to experience something. Although always hopeful, you weren’t anticipating a response this time, knowing that he will take his time to comeback to you. Like he always does when you have a major disagreement. He will be back, in his own time. Something you had thought of yesterday and something that will stick by you through this adversity.

Closing your eyes and focusing as she kicked again, you almost missed the the subtle contraction of his fingers as he began to curl it around your belly. Your eyes shot open in disbelief when you detected it, and you tilted your head downwards, watching the slight movement in his hands.

You looked back up to the head of the hospital and noticed the repeated fluttering of his eyelashes as he struggled to open his eyes.

“Minghao?”

You felt the tears gathering in your eyes as with one hand you hastily pressed the button to alert one of the nurses. He murmured something incoherently but it really didn’t matter what he said.

He was finally awake.

You sauntered in the hospital room with a slight waddle - you refused to accept that that was the way you had to walk now, but Minghao found it rather endearing . This time you weren’t met with the same scene that used replay in your head. Instead, he was sitting upright in his bed, with his glasses perched on his nose, scrolling through his phone leisurely. Once he noticed you, he placed his phone on his lap and flashed you a smile.

You made your way to the same seat you always sat in and lowered yourself onto it. Minghao leaned over to peck you on the lips, caressing your cheek gently to pull himself closer to you.

“Good morning y/n” He whispered after he released and then rested his hand on your noticeably larger belly, rubbing it fondly. He had taken a liking to placing his hand there, the feeling of attachment to his daughter was instant from the moment he woke up.

“And how are you doing this morning sweet pea?”

“She was moving all night, I could barely get a wink of sleep.” You whined seeking some sympathy. You put your hand over his and circled his knuckles with the tips of your fingers.

“Already keeping your mum up at night, I see?” He giggled as she punched his hand in response. Love emanated from his gaze as he looked down at the bump, he adored feeling her move. Especially when it was basically a reply to whatever he had just said.

“Well she’s not the only one who’s going to be woken up at night if you continue this way.” He stated hesitantly after the silence had settled.

What?

“The doctors decided to discharge me tomorrow.” He mumbled softly, observing as your jaw dropped and eyes widened in surprise. “I’m coming home. Y/n. We can start setting up the nursery and I can do all the things I promised to do - are you crying?”

You linked your arms around his back and pulled him closer, burying your face into his shoulder and staining his hospital gown with your tears.

“I’m just so happy.” You sobbed as he rubbed your back soothingly, holding you tighter.

“I am too.”

[15001700tt]

THE WAR: COMEBACK HOME

In the beginning there were 12. They are the ones to hold the balance of the world. If one dies, they get replaced. There always has to be twelve. There came a time where the twelve were threatened, and so they had to flee. They vowed to come back. They fled to earth and stayed undercover. They became known as EXO.

They used their origin as a concept, they came from Exo Planet and they were fleeing from something. This was to see who was interested in the unnatural concept. This would be handy later on. They stayed hidden very well, they had been able to not get caught by their enemies. It was hard but it was done. After their second ‘comeback’ the heir of the throne had called for a meeting.

Kai being the messenger, he had to bring all the other members to the meeting. They still haven’t grasped the idea of a cell phone.

The first person he found was D.O. He was by his car in the street.

“Hey, were having a meeting, Kris wants to talk” Kai informed, looking around the area. He wanted to make sure that no one just saw him apparate. D.O. Nodded calmly. Kai moved on to the next person he needed to get to.

It turns out Suho was with Baekhyun, they were in their home. They were standing in the hall talking, discussing something, he didn't bother asking what. He told them the information he needed and left.

The next one he hated going to. Sehun liked to hang out in the desert, he didn't understand why completely. He gets that Sehun likes the breeze there but what about the sand getting in his eyes. He really hated this place. He informed him as quickly as possible and teleported.

Chanyeol was in an empty parking lot, walking around and playing with his fire, Kai smirked.

“Kris wants to have a meeting in our dorm.”

“Why?”

“He didn't say” he shrugged. He went to his next destination, Tao was in his practice room, he had stopped time and started practicing his martial arts. Kai told him that they had a meeting in a few minutes. He promised to be there in a few minutes.

Lay and Xiumin were in the dining room, they nodded as Kai in acknowledgement, they got the message.

Chen was at the beach and was watching the waves, ‘boring’ Kai thought.

“We have a meeting” he said to him, he nodded and started to walk towards his car. Kai had one more stop. Luhan was in his ‘special’ place. It's only special because he practices his telekinesis in there.

“We got a meeting. Kris wants to talk” Kai said it for the last time. He really needed a new job other than the messenger.

He finally went back to the dorm to see that everyone is already there, waiting. The Royal´s wives were also present. ‘How did they get here when I didn't tell them?’ Kai thought. Kris cleared his throat.

“Its not safe for me here anymore.” he didn't even ease them into the topic. The girls attending had their mouth drop in shock, especially Ji Hee. ‘is he serious right now?’ she thought.

“What the hell are you talking about?’ she asked him.

“I am the heir to the throne, if they find me they find everyone.”

“I thought we were safe here.” Mi Na questioned.

“We are as long as the Gemstones are far away from us” D.O. informed. They didn't know that. Only D.O. and Jongdae knew this information, they didn't tell anyone because they thought it was unimportant, they havent figured out that they are on earth yet so until then they didn't need to focus on that.

“Why did you tell us that valuable information?” Jae Eun snapped at the men.

“it wasnt important. At the time” Jongdae protested.

“If they can feel the Gemstone they’ll be able to get to me and then you.” he tried again.

“So? We can take them” Ji Hee countered his statement.

“Look i am not doing this because i want to. I have a duty! As a future king and your husband to protect you!” he argued.

It seems as if he was scared, no one could blame him. He had so much stress from what happened at the decrowning. It wasnt really any of the others choice anymore, it was more like he was informing them.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Suho asked.

“Youre letting him do it?” Sehun and Ji Hee yelled at the same time.

“Its his choice, besides hes not totally wrong, his duty as your husband is to make sure you´re safe and in order to protect you, he has to be inactive.” Suho pointed out.

“What do you mean inactive?” Baekhyun asked.

“I have to put him to sleep” Luhan answered. “It will will be like eternal sleep but the Gemstone can wake him up when its time.” he explained more. The more they talked about the more Ji Hee felt defeated, she knew that they had to do it for her sake, and for his. She eventually agreed. And she had to say her final goodbyes.

“Dont do anything stupid while i am gone” he tried to lighten the mood but she didn't let him. She hugged him really tight and planted a long kiss on his lips.

¨I swear to god, Yi Fan if something happens to you, i am going to haunt your ass” she threatened. He laughed and hugged her really tightly. He mumbled a few sweet words in her shoulder before telling her that he loves her. And then just like that he was gone. She didn't go with him but Luhan and Tao were going to help the process.

A year later

When they fled to earth, he still could feel the planet in his head. Its emotion and feelings. How the Victorians had misused its sources. How it wasnt letting them in the core. Or how it had stopped functioning like a healthy planet. He could hear its thoughts and what the people had done to it. Sometimes it gets too much and he would get bedridden because of it. He gets affected by it if its too strong.

The planet changed, the Castle wont let anyone in if they arent Exonian. The core cant be opened unless youre as powerful as D.O. is with his element which is rare and only D.O. can do it.

And so he had to come to the decision of going back and keeping it company. He could heal the Planet without the Victorians knowing. And in the same time keep them out of the very important things to protect. At first he introduced the idea to D.O.

Since he was the only one to be able to get him if anything happened, they agreed that he would. They had to tell the others and the three girls. He hated having to do that to them again. But the planet needed him. Mi Na wasnt keen on the idea. But eventually she agreed after exhausting hours of talking, she finally let him go.

“Luhan, i know you think that this is what you need to do please know you dont have to…” Mi Na tried one last time.

“Honey, my planet needs me, my people are suffering and i need to help them. Dont worry i am pretty sure there are no pretty ladies in the core chambers.” he tried to joke around with her. She lightly smacked him.

“I swear-” she was cut off by him, “i know you’ll find me alive” Luhan reassured. They bid their last goodbyes when he was teleported back Kai to the planet.

Two years later

The twelve is now ten and they werent ready to lose another member. But Tao was having anxiety attack and panic attacks that could only be stopped by Jae Eun. but even then everyone was miserable.

Tao woke up most times, seating and nightmares plaguing his mind at late hours of teh night. Questions plagued hi mind, ‘what happens to me? He´s the last one left. What happens to Jae Eun? what‘s next?’ but the thought of his wife left alone and unprotected made him shiver. He knows that the Protectors could take perfect care of them but they had to be more cautious then that. That night Tao spent the night thinking until he got a solution.

The next day he told everyone his plan. Jae Eun broke down, the guys could barely keep it in. They lost the last Royal.

“I am the last heir standing. If they get to me there wont be a heir to throne, if something happened to Kris and Luhan” he paused. “Its better if we give them no openings and stay under”

“Jongin you have to take the girls to the castle, they’ll be safe there.” Tao informed Kai as he had a grim expression on his face.

“Ok…” Jongin’s defeated face was all the girls saw. Before they were whipped away in a cloud of gray. When they landed infront of the castle doors. The girls looked physically drained. No doubt mentally too. They had just lost their husbands to the people that occupied their land.

“We wont take long before we come back, i swear.” Kai promised the girls as he led them inside. He hugged them before teleporting.

“I sure hope so or else i might go on a killing spree on these bitches” Ji Hee growled under her breath.

Next

[apollodae]

Rumor

Name: “Rumor”

Pairing: Wolf!Kim Jongdae / Chen ( EXO ) x Vampire!Reader

Content: Eighteen ( 18 ) and above

Genre: Comedy ( Club / Gang Au )

Chapter: Introduction | Chapter one

Summary: How you met Kim Jongdae is one hell of a story.

Inspiration: Based off of a conversation I was having with my friend Sin.

Word Count: 1,275

Kim Jongdae.

That name was enough to send shudders up any non-human’s spine.

Kim Jongdae was a teasing, manipulative, womanizer. He was known through the under-realm – or hell – as someone you should never cross over. Him and his other brothers.

His whole family, the rulers.

You see, Jongdae, didn’t come from a ‘normal under-realm’ – or as normal as you could get – household. His father had a child from a previous marriage: Kim Minseok, the eldest.

Also known as a half-wolf and half-demon. Minseok was known as a lying, deceiving, heartless, person. He could care less about his needs, and more about the needs of his greed. He had slept with the entire councils’ daughters’, not for pleasure, or to be a rebel.

He did it to anger the council for annoying his father.

Kim Junmyeon was the second born, coming from a different marriage. Junmyeon was half-wolf, and half-ghoul. Junmyeon, or more commonly known as Suho, was someone no one dared to cross. If you were smart, you’d run away as soon as he entered the room.

He was cold, careless, and manipulative. He had the looks and charisma of a gentleman, but he was anything but that. Suho wasn’t like his older, half-brother, no, he was quite the ruckus causer. According to a rumor in the underworld, Junmyeon tortured a member of the council’s wife when her husband disobeyed Junmyeon’s father.

The next day, the wife of the council member showed up bruised, bloody, and scarred for eternity. 

Kim Jongin was the youngest born, but he was born out of an affair. He is half-vampire and half-wolf. The affair happened while Jongdae’s mother – the Kim family’s third wife – was still with Jongdae’s father. Jongdae’s mother, Aisha Choi, was Korean-Arab, she was full wolf, and the true soulmate of the Kim Head.

No one saw the affair coming, and no one saw knew the child that would cause the family to break even more.

Kim Jongin, who is more known as Kai, has been kept hidden his whole life.

Due to the fear that his father, the Head of the Kim family, had, the council would find out and use it as a reason to tarnish the power the family held.

Kai is known as the outcast in the family, by his father, own mother, and older brothers. But, that didn’t explain as to how you, a normal vampire, knew all this secretive, hidden stuff.

Well, how you came to know all this information, was due to a slight drunk one-night encounter with the notorious ‘Kim Jongdae.’ Drunkenly walking through the halls of the club, your mind could care less about what was happening around you. You just wanted to sleep. WHy did you even come? Oh yea, otherwise you’d have to deal with your bat-shit, crazy, over-protective older brothers.

Seeing a room, you walked in – praying within your head there was in one in there – and what you saw made you slightly sober up.

There was a gigantic bed!

I can sleep now, I’m literally in love with a bed, you thought to yourself, smiling in glee. Jumping on the bed, you groaned when you felt a body underneath the sheets, and a knee hitting you on your stomach.

Rolling over, you clutched your stomach in pain. Your eyes grew red, and you clutched the area of your stomach. “Yah!? What the hell are you doing here? You just kneed me in the stomach!” You yelled, quite loudly, at the figure underneath the sheets.

“Excuse you?! You hit Jongdae Jr. I think you should be sorry!” The person yelled back. Standing up, you stared at him, “You have a kid? Why would you bring a kid to a party? Are you stupid?” You yelled, did I sit on a kid? Great job, (Y/n), you thought to yourself.

The man – you had figured it out because of the tone of his voice – started laughing, “You’re so different!” He exclaimed, causing you to tilt your head, confused. “What do you mean?” You questioned, starting to get a frustrated. You just wanted to sleep on the comfy, fluffy, bed. 

But nope, here you were arguing with a stranger who may or may not a child with him.

“‘Jongdae Jr.’ do you really not know what that means? Here’s a hint, my name is Jongdae.”

Scrunching your eyes, you almost choked on your saliva. “Please tell me it’s not what I think it is.” You muttered.

“Oh baby, it’s everything you think is.” He said, causing you to grab the sheets and pull it off of his figure. Getting a pillow, you began to hit him with it, as hard as you could – which wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to hopefully hurt him –.

Jongdae started laughing and you continued to hit him, “Stop laughing! You’re such a weird pervert.” You exclaimed to him, continuing to hit him with the pillow. 

He grabbed your wrist, he pried the pillow away from your hands. “Okay, please stop. You’re going to ruin my favorite pillow.” Moving away from him, you sat down on the edge of the bed.

“Is this even your room?” You questioned him. 

“Yup. I’m one of the owners of this house,” Jongdae started off, “who invited you? The must have really bad taste.” Staring at him, you shook your head.

“Who gave birth to you? They must have really bad taste.” Inwardly, you cringed at your weak comeback, “anyways, I was invited by Kim Minseok.”

Looking behind you, you noticed how Jongdae’s face had gotten close to your while you were speaking. Pushing him back, you stared at him, “Haven’t you ever heard of the words, ‘space bubble’?” You questioned him. He was, honestly, one of the weirdest perverts you had ever met.

“You’re (Y/n)?” He questioned you, and you could feel the annoyance coming up. He had completely disregarded everything else you had said. You had hardly known him for an hour, and he was already becoming a nauseous.

Getting up, you shrugged, “Oh baby, it’s everything you think it is.” You said, mimicking his words, earlier. Jongdae let out a small chuckle.

“What are you doing here! You’re like a Vampire princess or some weird shit, how did you even meet my brother?” He exclaimed to you, causing you to laugh.

“Vampire princess? Huh, you’re a pervert and a weirdo. What a delightful combo.” You said, disregarding what he was questioning, just as he had done earlier. 

“And if you know so much about me, why do I hardly know anything about you?” You questioned him, raising a brow as you spoke. 

And then you saw him hesitate.

He was strange.

“Aha, well, if I tell you this, then you have to promise not to tell a single soul.” He said, and you nodded your head. 

And he began to explain everything from the beginning.

“Wait, so you’re the son o–” and that’s when you realized Jongdae had fallen asleep. 

He was definitely strange.

A/N: When I started writing this, I actually had a block on how I would do this, so this chapter is mainly about how you and Jongdae met. ( Also thank you to @eradikeats-writes for helping me with my block :’)) ) Though, the next few chapters will be anything but comedic [ just a warning ].

[akissatmidnight]

Morning! We hope you loved our review of the Scottish subscription box, WeeBox, and are now ready to get into some straight Outlander talk! But use caution: This contains Outlander season 3/Voyager Spoilers! Read no further if you haven’t read the the third Outlander series book!

Now that you’ve been warned, are you ready to talk about Voyager and what might come in season three of Outlander on Starz and what Sarah and Kelsey are looking forward to, plus where you can see some of the stars, besides what we mentioned in another post, which you can read here.

A final reminder, if you hate spoilers, don’t read any further!

Anyways, here’s Kelsey with some of her book-themed dreams, hopes, thoughts, and feelings before Sarah brings in her movie skills to tell you all about the new actors and actresses that are gracing the Outlander stage with their presence!

♥Jamie’s return to Lallybroch♥

It’s going to be sad, seeing Jamie wounded and hiding in Dun Bonnet’s Cave for so many years with only a few books to keep him company. As you probably read on our Legends of Outlander post, there was a real-live man named James Fraser who hid in a care and was nicknamed Dun Bonnet by the cap he wore. Nice connection, Diana!I love seeing history come to life and see how things connect. Something I’m not too thrilled about seeing it when little Fergus get’s caught up in the traitor madness and looses his crafty little hand. I assume more than one tear shall be shed for our tiny adopted Fraser.

♥Friends Foreverrrrr♥

The peculiar relationship between Jamie and Lord John Grey is something that I’m curious to see brought to life on the screen. I’m not saying it’s romantic, you know Jamie only has eternal eyes for Claire, but his friendship with Lord John Grey is going to be one of the cornerstones for the series moving forward. Without Lord John Grey, Jamie’s time in prison, and his later reunion with his biological son, might never be possible. Although, it looks like they’re setting it up to be more romantic in the show than it was in the books, something I’m not really into, as I think their complicated friendship in the series was compelling and deep. I almost feel like making it sound like a torrid love affair, like in some other blog posts and news stories, cheapens their dynamic relationship. If only the show series could do a chapter an episode!

♥Roger and Brianna help Claire Prepare♥

Okay, so A lot of people have a lot of thoughts about how Brianna was cast for the show, and honesty even I was expecting someone redder and taller, but the acting may surprise us in the coming season! But one thing I had a little bit of an issue with is how the show portrayed Brianna and Claire as not being close, like…at all. In the books I felt that there was much more warmth involved in their relationship that wasn’t represented on the show. However, Starz only has an hour an episode to work with, so I’m trying to ignore it, knowing that it’ll be impossible to ignore their true, loving, feelings as the show goes on. So I’m looking forward for Roger and Brianna to grow close as they help Claire prepare for her return to Jamie. I hope it’s just as touching as it was in the book! BTW, just so you know, we also have a lovely Claire dress guide here, so your clothes can be on point, and Sarah’s done a Claire hair tutorial, which is so easy, even I could do it.

♥Meeting Geneva♥

This is going to be tough for all those who love Claire and Jamie. I’m going to be honest, I think Geneva is a grade A asshole. Blackmailing Jamie into sex was a low blow and the man’s life has been tough enough. I know I’ll have a rage stroke when she throws out the “bang me or I’ll scream rape” card. At least Jamie can see some joy in the terrible union by his son William grow for a few years. But seeing as how happy he was knowing Claire was pregnant when she left, It’ll be tough seeing him watch his child from afar. There’s a lot of controversy surrounding this particular part of the series, with the word “rape” being used to describe both sides of the coupling. It’ll be interesting to see how the show addresses it. To cleanse the soul, let’s take a look back in time to when Jamie and Claire were #RelationshipGoals…

♥Baby Jamie♥

Jamie and his interactions with his secret son is going to be bittersweet. Their doings takes up a good chunk of book, and for good reason. We all read, and saw, how into being a father Jamie was when Claire was pregnant with Faith and how important it was for Claire to go back to Frank for the safety of their unborn child. It’s going to be bittersweet to see how young Willie sees a father figure in Jamie and Jamie longs to be close to a child he never thought he’d have, after Claire’s leaving. Their bond in the books might be hard to portray on screen, but Starz has done an awesome job, so far. We know Jamie’s big heart is one of the things we all admire about him, and in care you need to be reminded of the other reasons, take a look at our other list here!

♥The Highlight of the Year♥

I know for a damn fact that I’m not the only person who ugly cried when Claire went through the stones and later learned that Jamie was alive all along. While I understand that she needed to go for her own safety, it’s like she’s still twenty years too late to their reunion. I’m already preparing myself for the Kim Kardashian-like sobs when she finally sees him in the print shop. I’m also dying to see how well Jamie aged. I’m guessing it’s like a fine, beautifully kilted, wine… although he’ll be unkilted for a lot of the season, and not always in the fun way. The fact that we’ll probably have to wait a few episodes for this glorious meeting adds a certain level of delicious suspense. At least it’ll be a smoother journey for Claire, as Roger and Bree help her get the cash and clothes necessary for a successful jaunt through time. Some people are salty that Claire left Brianna in the present to go into the past, saying she’s a bad mom, but Claire did right by her kid and her promise to Jamie, so she deserves to have some Highlander goodness up in her petticoats.

♥The Scorned Second Wife♥

Dis Bitch is right. Ya’ll probably know that I feel Laoghaire is a dirty home wrecking hussy and no one deserves to get lumpy and gross in their old age more than her…well, except for Black Jack Randall… not that he lives long enough for that. Well, anyways, her coming out of the woodwork again to claim Jamie as her rightful husband is something I’m looking forward to. Like, I get how she saw Jamie as the one that got away but, damn girl, have some self respect! I wouldn’t tie myself for a man who was constantly wishing I was someone else, no matter how hot he was. BTW I’m all sour grapes on how Jenny lashes out at Claire and rats to Loaghaire, even thought Claire told her the potato-planting key to Lallybroch’s survival. I hope Loaghaire’s gun-toting dramatics are just as wild on the screen as they are on the page.

♥High Seas Misadventure♥

Poor Jamie can’t catch a break. He, along with Claire and Marsali, go to rescue Ian and he’s stuck vomiting with seasickness while Claire is basically kidnapped by the Porpoise, because the ocean has never been kind to Jamie. Like, universe, give the man a break! All he wants is to live the quiet life and plant some crops and make sweet love to his new found wife, not be held captive and taken towards prison. At least he’s conveniently shipwrecked near Claire. Small victories. I’m curious to see how this will play out since, in the book, their oceanic struggles is a large chunk of action. Thankfully, Starz has brought Mr. Willoughby onto the scene, so poor Jamie will have some relief on the ship. Also, it’s said that the Outlander Starz crew will be using some of the same set used to film their pirate series Black Sails, which I highly recommend to people into high seas adventures, sex, romance, murder, mystery, history, and backstabbing.

♥The Return of Geillis♥

Gonna be real, I’m pumped for the return of Geillis. I know she’s a murderer, adulteress, and all around baddie, but I’m really excited to see her return in all her crazy glory. You have to admire her vicious tenacity and the way she unraveled thousands of years of legends and myths to learn about time travel. Sure, she could have gone around without human sacrifices, but I admire a bitch with flair. I mean, if she had really been killed before having her son, a certain green-eyed man wouldn’t be able to grace us with his presence (lookin’ at you, Roger, you silver-tongued songster)! It’ll be neat to see the witch we love to hate back on the screen.

♥The British Scorch of the Highlands♥

After the failed Jacobite uprising, England took measures to ensure the Scottish would never rise again. They passed the Heritable Jurisdictions Act of 1746 that outlawed the Scottish chief system, hoping that by removing those men from their places of power, the people would be more accepting of full English rule. The Act of Proscription of 1746 was also put into effect, which outlawed all highland dress (see ya later, kilts) in the Dress Act. This took away a large part of the clan identity, which is exactly what the British wanted. If you were caught wearing a kilt after 1746 you could be fined, imprisoned, or even sent to the British colonies for “indentured servitude”, which was just a fancy term for “slavery”. It explains why the kilts of the previous seasons will be lost for a while and not make any sort of comeback for some time. As a history-lover, I’m curious to see how these real life restrictions will come about on the show. Now…let’s have a moment of silence for the glorious kilt.

BTW, if you’re interested in learning more about the Clans, and how they fared after the Jacobite rebellion, take a look at our Outlander page here and read up on Outlandish Clan History parts 1-5!

Sarah’s Thoughts

Now, I am here to help keep Kelsey honest lol. No, I read the books up to what’s been shown on TV to keep the spoilers at bay, so I have not read Voyager yet. My fingers are itching and I can’t wait to start, though. So I get excited about other things…like actors.

As much as I try to avoid spoilers, it is nearly impossible. As a result, I know about Jamie’s other daughter, the “Other Fraser” (Ten points if you get this reference). But what really excited me is the casting! Lauren Lyle and Nell Hudson look so alike its scary!

Perfect casting right? It almost makes you not want to hate Laoghaire…almost.

Okay, we’ll talk about one more kid. Young Ian. I also know who this is, Jenny and Ian’s son but that’s all I know. However, I am a HUGE Jenny fan so I am excited to see the craziness her spawn will likely cause. Plus, he looks like a little Jamie (sorry Ian). It’s alright for a kid to look like his uncle though. In fact, I think it is going to seriously help his future! So, let’s say ‘hello’ to John Bell!

Alright, let’s get into the big one…John Grey. Now, I know he and Jamie are supposed to be friends, but again, that’s all I know. I have heard the rumors that their bromance may be turned into a romance. All I have to say is, where is Jamie going to find the time to do that? Doesn’t he have enough going on with all the needy women in his life? I think it’s all hype to keep people interested and talking about the show while we’re waiting not so patiently for it to start. However, I will say I am terribly upset with the casting of David Berry! Uh! Did we really need another sexy man on the show? Okay, totally joking. He is a nice piece of eye candy and I definitely can’t wait to see his strutting across my BIG screen TV.

I love a man in a suit!

Now let’s here it for Fergus! Everyone’s favorite trouble maker is all grown up and lookin finnnneeeee. I’m happy to see he’s still around and even more excited to see where his character goes from here. The hand thing… yeah, that’s going to be interesting. I almost wish they could pull a Hunger Games and pretend like that bit never happened. But, I don’t think it’s going to take our man too long to get his good hand into plenty of trouble. Let’s hear it for César Domboy!

How about Joe Abernathy? I know he’s a doctor with Claire and he knows about time travel, so that is going to be a whole lot of fun. Mostly because I looked at Wil Johnson’s photos, and he takes a good picture! He has one of those stares that just bores into your soul and leaves you questioning everything in your life!

So, what are you looking forward to in season 3?  Are you a fan of the new cast members? Let us know in the comments! BTW, if you’re a fan of Scotland, check out the WeeBox here! It’s a subscription box filled with all sorts of fun Scottish items worthy of ever Sassenach♥ And don’t forget to check out our Outlander page to fill up the bitter droughtlander!

Read about Kelsey’s Scottish historical romances series and her contemporary romance novel here! And learn more about Sarah’s contemporary college romance series here!

Season 3-Ready for a Voyage? Morning! We hope you loved our review of the Scottish subscription box, WeeBox, and are now ready to get into some straight…

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - M. Night Parablamyan

You’ll be pleased to hear that Comic Sans has gone on indefinite leave. Also, the formatting has now become single line spacing, until I find I don’t like it or something. Let me know if you like it/love it/don’t give a monkey’s butt.

As ever, Emma can be found on Twitter as @Waruce, usually during PPVs.

Transmission date: Monday 12/Tuesday 13 June 2017.

all up in this bitch, cos it's SATURDAY AFTERNOON RAW! raise your hands if you can't remember thing one that's been happening on raw shit, can't type with my hands raised rescind that last advance warning: if i make more mistakes than usual in this writeup, extend me some leniency on account of i can barely see straight, because it's fucking summer so my eyes are full of TREE SPERM and MUCILAGE and THE DEATH OF ALL THINGS seriously, it's a party but oversharing aside, let's watch some wrestlemans and wrestlewomans, although the raw wrestlewomans' division needs to figure out what the fuck it's doing

we open with a recap of joe talking shit to an absent devil who i think is going to be turning up this week? i say that like i care and also him choking the life out of a small portly jewish man and being the most well-spoken kind of psychopath snapping into the present, we're apparently in the cajundome and immediately hit brock's music hey, they know what the fans want now i just need to figure out why they want that so yes, the championship is here, attached to the walking embodiment of technically-legal masking agents but thankfully, only paul has a mic apparently this is the day of joe's fuckupening i paraphrase, but i wish i wasn't "Like a shark luring the chum into his domain..." paul, i think we need to take you to seaworld or some shit apparently joe was somehow abusing brock's ring, despite the whole bit where he hasn't been here in a couple of months paul is hastily retracting everything complimentary he said about joe last week and now throwing shade about the fact that joe's not part of the anoa'i dynasty? that's certainly an esoteric burn the angle is that the coquina clutch would probably fuck brock up, but joe won't be able to get it on him because he ain't shit related note: can we have a moratorium on white dudes calling poc a 'mutt' or similar? leaves something of a bad taste joe arrives, him and brock immediately unload on each other kurt sends in security, brock kills them all, so paul calls in the whole roster to pull them apart and they kind of suck at it leave security to the pros, guys all the faces are clinging onto joe like he's the messiah and end thing, apparently tonight's main event is kkb/hardyz for the title round #34982, but this time it's two out of three falls cut for ads, and we come back on a recap video of the exact thing we just watched i know i say my memory's bad, but seriously booker's still here, because shut up with your reasons

but now, here's elias and his guitar and his array of scarves weirdly, this crowd seems pretty split on him he's written a song about the brave inhabitants of the cajundome asks the crowd to be quiet while he plays, cole immediately starts talking so yeah, this is a song about how louisiana and dean ambrose aren't collectively shit so here he comes elias, please never try and rhyme 'breath' with 'darkNESS' again recap video of the deep strangeness of miz's championship celebration aka, The Day Mike Fucked A Clock With A Chair (and offended his wife) i did like the ending of it, though it's nice to have the cameramen acknowledged as something that exists in-universe elias samson is present, so naturally corey is immediately salty as fuck he hates dean, too, but seriously "The man has the vocal stylings of a pigeon that's been stepped on!" (fun fact: i would probably listen the hell out of an elias samson album) (just do acoustic covers, whatever, i just like his voice) so far, this match consists mostly of dean trying to trashweasel his way out of trouble and elias shutting him down duelling chants seem a bit harsh: "You can't wrestle!" "YOU CAN'T SING!" dean gets his usual comeback sequence comprising a strange mix of real wrestling skill and just running in the vague direction of your opponent and hoping they fall harder than you do elias stands far too close on a suicide dive, basically just grabs dean and walks backwards like oh no i am defeated dean gets the upper hand of a super slow turnbuckle spot, miz runs in to bother him elias still can't even pick up a distraction pin maryse is backing miz up, so at least they're still okay dean goes for miz, he does the wife-shaped shield thing it doesn't work at all, miz gets beaten on a lot dean gets back in the ring, elias does a nasty knee drop on his back as he comes in, swinging neckbreaker for the pin "By hook or by crook, a W is still a W!" are you in a fucking ionesco play, corey

but now let's have more of goldust doing his thing his thing, of course, beign sitting in a chair at a terrible frame rate and quoting films dude, if you just turned that chair a bit, you wouldn't have to crane your neck like that can't be good for you but yeah, vague threats in the vague direction of r-truth

but now we're backstage, and an angry kurt has words for the miz those words basically being FUCKIN' QUIT IT he has enough trouble with big samoan guys named joe miz insults kurt, alludes to his indeterminate personal problems, you could chew the tension demands dean be suspended or fired, kurt retorts with a) shut the fuck up, and b) no maryse is apparently still angry at her husband kurt walks off, miz splutters, end thing cruiserweight time now, after this video to remind yiu just how good cedric alexander is, since he's been away for a while and here's noam dar arguing with his phone backstage cedric comes in to remind noam how done he is with him and his girlfriend's collective shit she is, of course, on the other end of the phone she's injured, but she wants her scottish sleazeball to beat cedric right the fuck up tonight cedric's like fuck, fine, whatever, i'll fight you tonight, but then can you please go bother literally anyone else

so yeah, now it's time for that match noam is still on his phone on speaker as he starts his entrance they're having a barely-audible argument and the phone's casting to the tron for some reason also, noam has a new jumper, and it's nowhere near as good alicia wants to be on the line through the match, noam does not want this the ref's like dude sort your shit out we've got a match to have finally puts it down in the corner, bell rings, lumbar check, end alicia is piiiiiiiiissed that's still an absolutely vicious finisher noam is trying to salvage this telepresence argument while also going oh holy fuck my spine hype no. 58 for the main event

but up next, bray wyatt...does a thing, i guess? he's certainly present and i'm ok with that but now a video package of roman, because god knows we haven't seen so much of him see, this package makes him look good, cos it's just the big spots and not all the slow-ass bullshit between them next week, roman has an announcement about summerslWYATT CUT bray fills the screen, tells us cheerfully that the world is ending does the i'm here thing, and now he is after a randy-based wyatt cut, for some reason did someone click the wrong file? corey calls bray 'bizarre', somewhere goldust is like wait a fucking minute bray's going to kill everyone who sins, sits in apathy while people sin, or blaspheme against him apparently seth lives in a house where his architect's blueprints cover the windows and block out the sun this may just be a parable, but it's a fucking great image oh, apparently bray shattered it because it was a glass house? did you mention this before, bray? bit of a shitty twist other wise m. night parablamyan and now seth will be picking splinters of glass out of his soul for eternity that's a fucking greek god level of ironic fate so yeah, anyone who takes the dark lord's name in vain will get fucked on speaking of, here comes seth to get fucked on/pick glass out of his soul i'd be good for either he's like wait a minute dude you cost me my match because i called you names that seems disproportionate but by the way, you suck seth claims he's here to pipe bomb some truth at us, calls bray a coward don't insult him, he has a backwards tractor bray takes the opportunity to give a sermon on pride, tells seth he, too, ain't shit like lol kingslayer ain't that cute *teleports backstage* bray claims he'll win because gods live forever think we need to read you some egyptian/norse myth there

but now, charly has the hardyz in the led interview backstage corridor whatever thing the hardyz would like you all to remember that they're awesome and that jeff has an unhealthy predilection for jumping off things but now, enjoy this montage of what cena's been up to and remember that he'll be back in an episode i am unlikely to blog

but now we have kalisto vs titus, through the medium of his younger, happier dude and akira tozawa is standing in the front row, because titus wants him on brand apollo beats on kalisto, titus stands by the barricade shouting at tozawa like DUDE LOOK AT MY BOY ISN'T HE GREAT tozawa is like please stop shouting at me kalisto goes for an excessively flippy handspring springboard stunner, apollo counters to a spinout powerbomb for the win titus drags tozawa into the ring for an uncomfortable selfie with them he's just like dude stop hugging me

but now, HARD CUT TO CLOSEUP OF RHYNO PUTTING CHEEZ WIZ ON CRACKERS we all needed that miz has come with a proposal for heath to become part of his entourage rhyno is like dude i'm standing right here miz promises to make all heath's dreams come true, heath's like well i've always wanted to be ic champ hmmmmm miz offers him a shot if he joins the dark side rhyno's like you know what fuck you dude i'm gonna go find kurt to give us a match against you maybe rustle up a friend we're out *aggressively eats crackers* so yeah

spot about that theme park competition thing, but now here's alexa our resident wrestlewoman with her shit together oh hey, a recap of last week's match so it did happen after all no, alexa, don't kick off by mentioning your match at extreme rules we're all trying to forget on saturday, we've got the first women's mitb match, but fuck that noise, tonight's about me but here's nia to take issue with the fact that alexa offered her a title shot, then whined about it and cheated out of it alexa's like i know right we should have had a great match but those two fucked everything up so here come those two mickie's redesigned her gear to play up the Native elements again chest dreamcatcher and everything mickie and dana try to remind everyone how much of a bitch alexa's been to nia in fornt of everyone alexa's like lol no i think your eyesight's going ah, cheap ageist jokes but now,...hit emma's music not that i'm gonna complain fucking love that music *beep boop beep boop* emma announces her dramatic return, demands a shot for the title alexa's just like um do you even go here and now here's sasha fuck it, everyone in the division in the segment that's how we do wrestling, right? so wait, are alexa and nia the only heels on the show? seems unbalanced sasha mocks alexa for literally everything she does, punches her in the face, cue brawl and hard cut to an advert for the episode of smackdown i'l be watching later back from ads, and we've got the 6-woman tag match we all saw coming so yeah, emma's still a heel, just one with a problem with the even heelier champ so yeah, emma's back, with weird shoulder things and boobface and everything although following a gear redesign, the boobface has gone from :) to :o it's great that she's back because she's great, but it does mean i have been once again demoted to the second coolest person to bear the name formulaic tag, sasha hot tags in to beat on emma, alexa decides to just walk off instead of letting emma tag out, bank statement for the tap this is not how you make friends

confirmed, later we have slater/rhyno vs miz/[NAME]

but next, corey talks to bayley about her utter lack of extreme after this advert for gold bond and MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY cole massively hypes it, then is like wait what the fuck am i saying that's the wrong brand smoothly done and now, have a package about how great finn is, and that is THE ONLY ORDER THOSE WORDS GO IN complete with lots of shots doing the arms and telling us how good he is

but yes, now we have corey/bayley just by his existence, corey must remind her how extreme she's not for the love of god, woman, get a tatt bayley's like hey i've never been in that situation before i'm a normal person i don't want to hurt people corey's like um have you ever wondered why you're in this business bayley does this whole motivational self-improvement thing which doesn't really work on its own cena does that, but with the understood subtext that if you get in the way of him being his best self, he will fuck your shit right up and bayley says her next thing is to get the belt back manageable steps slightly awkward hug, end interview so that was a thing

but now, here come A ONE MAN BAAAAAAAAAND (and his friend) rhyno should rebrand as a one man road crew miz and maryse arrive, wearing the mania jackets again, because all the best people read this blog (hey, mike) apparently he approached elias during the advert break, who said yeah fuck off dude so here comes his partner with music that sounds like the laughing fucking gnome of something and on a tricycle it's the bear although this bear is much taller and walks like dean ambrose corey christens him Big John Cubb crowd chant for a tag, miz is like i'm not a moron do you think i don't know who this is corey is just spamming us with spurious life facts about the bear because of his refusal to tag in a large mammal, rhyno is just fucking miz up all over the place cole makes a reference to the jbl and cole show, to reward dedicated weirdos bear tags himself in heath tries to take his mask off, bear punches him in the face good to know bears follow lucha tradition does a bearhug (naturally), heath nearly taps miz tags, then starts beating the piss out of the bear at ringside rips off the mask, revealing some dude, once again and rhyno spears miz into the netherworld throws him back into the ring, bear follows, heath tries to convince him to turn on his master, bear hits heath with dirty deeds, excessively long realisation beat, he unmasks and is in fact dean did...did we just get twin magicked by a bear? IT WAS ME ALL ALONG, MIZANIN! ahem dean goes for miz, he jumps and knocks maryse off the apron she hobbles off with a dark look dean stands there with a magnificent ooooooops look until miz turns around, when he hits him with dirty deeds and puts a still-unconscious heath on top of him for the pin slater and rhyno leave, dean puts the bear head on miz and walks off this just became strange this feels like it should be on one of those serial killer warning sign lists miz eventually rips it off, glares, end segment

hopefully we should have the main event next, if they want to give it the time it deserves oh, looks like we actually are huh was not expecting them to do the whole sensible booking thing recap video of the most beautifully-executed surprise return at mania and also this entire feud i'd forgotten how good their heel turn was, as well oh wait, never mind, neville's here phew if wwe started booking things in a sensible, organic way that gave things room to breathe, i wouldn't know what to do rich swann enters, does his usual dancing, gets punched in the back because neville's taken a bunch of levels in twat oh wait was that the neville level i get it beats swann all over the place, rings of saturn until he stops twitching demands his belt and a mic neville crouches by swann, recites a list of pretenders he's fucked on, kicks him out of his ring starts a monologue like it's good to be the king but will all you usurpers just fuck away off namechecks tozawa, hopefully kickstarting a feud that i am down for like you would not believe apparently titus tweeted that selfie and suggested tozawa might win the title the king is less than amused but now, charly interviews the kkb cesaro has a copy of the hardyz' autobiography so they can laugh and throw it away they keep getting more things on their jackets including they live OBEY patches, which is cool

and next, enzo/cass vs anderson/gallows seriously, you should really logically need more time for a two out of three match than a normal one this show has like half an hour left and we still have to see enzo do a thing or not, who knows with this angle douchebag joisey music hits, nobody is here cut backstage, cass is on the floor under some girders the revival walk past in the background, no reason cass says he went down with one blow to the head, emphasises how HARD they hit enzo doesn't want him to fight, but he insists but in the ring, gallows and anderson are here to trade secondary school burns and muttley laughs about enzo and cass hit twat music again, long beat, and here they are accompanied by a bunch of refs like seriously dude this is a terrible idea if only we had some power to stop this match happening alas, we are only lowly wrestling officials, all we can do is point and harangue corey calls enzo a trash fire masquerading as a human being, which i'm like 80% sure is a john oliver line? sort your material, dude cass beats on anderson through weaponised staggering, finally ags out enzo's 3am-behind-a-hollister style works for a bit, until anderson just kicks him in the head a bunch and tags gallows in cass is lying on the floor outside and magic killer for the pin turns out going into this match with a recent head injury was a terrible idea who knew they set him up for another magic killer, but here comes a big shooooooow to help at which point the heels run away and enzo and show awkwardly hug which is what cass comes around to see fuck daggers, he's glaring broadswords show leaves, cass comes up to his partner like the fuck dude, cut to ads

main event next, fucking finally

ok, no, we have to watch an r-truth reaction video first these have a solid frame rate at least, but that's come at the cost of things like 'colour film', and 'not having r-truth' truth quotes network, forgets to cite it, promises to get goldust got get got got get, end and now in the corridors, enzo comes up to show like dude, the clues all kind of point to you, so i have to ask show's like what the fuck you twat i...oh wait, it's your partner, what a twat calls cass sawft, walks off, end

but now we have a recap video of brock and joe from the start of the show why the fuck do we even need to see this just get to the main event already less than 20 minutes left this is not enough time for a properly-paced best of three match with build and everything oh, and now we get to see joe talking to mike mcmikemike backstage apparently this whole debacle has been exactly according to joe's plan this plan has never been clearly stated which is probably also exactly as planned we are all dancing on a large samoan's palm

but now, here come the hardyz fucking finally oh, and an advert break and that package for how great roman is again siiiiiiiiiiigh thing i didn't quite catch before this cut: is matt hardy wearing a fucking button-fronted short-sleeved shirt? that makes no sense for anyone whose gimmick doesn't include the words 'Caribbean', 'dipshit', or 'Caribbean dipshit' cut back, and now he's wearing no shirt ah well guess some things can just never be known and here are the kkb they've kept the jackets, but gone without shirts to maximise the orbital terawatt laser effect of their entrance bell rings, just over twelve minutes left in the show fucking hell, wwe trust your talent the teams clearly know time is against them - sheamus tries to open with a brogue, then immediately takes poetry in motion and a twist of fate for a nearfall and then sheamus basically just punches jeff in the face for the first fall? this match had so much potential sigh and now, let's cut away for an ad break and naom, gallows and anderson advertising pizza hut buy pizza from us, so twats can take it off you and back to the match recap of the first fall - jeff went for a twist of fate, sheamus countered, threw him into the corner, and did a slightly underwhelming kick to the face for the pin and now we have sheamus just kicking the shit out of jeff jeff mule kicks sheamus into a blind tag, matt hot tags in and starts mashing cesaro's head into all the turnbuckles does a delete, on the grounds that anthem probably don't give a shit, right? kicks sheamus off the apron, twist of fate on cesaro for the win i hope this narration is giving some sense of how perfunctory and artificially quick this is that's two falls in just under five minutes in a fucking championship match sheamus kicks jeff off the apron, kicks matt in the face, knees matt in the face, still can't get a pin turns out all my problems cannot, in fact, be solved by kicking jeff breaks up a pin, sheamus throws himout of the ring, cesaro goes for a neutraliser on matt, matt counters, cesaro counters that back into a sharpshooter, rope break nice sequence then matt goes for a small package, which kind of just seems like a dick move double hot tags, jeff does his usual spots, twist of fate to sheamus, cesaro breaks it just in time sheamus drops jeff on the ropes, cesaro uppercuts him, still no pin jeff bullfights sheamus into the ring post, hits a lovely swanton, cesaro pulls sheamus out of the ring just before 2 cue brawling at ringside aaaaaand double countout with which the cajundome is just so fucking satisfying brawl continues, because fuck you and your matches and your belts and we fade on the hardyz shouting from the ring while the kkb pose with their questionably-retained belts

so yeah that's it that's the show the fuck, guys? i mean obviously it was meant to be unsatisfying, and they're going to be doing it again, presumably at GBoF, but still you could still have done it without that shitty tease match but who knows maybe it'll be narratively significant

anyway, let's clean out that bad taste with some SATURDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN! oh wait it's the setup show for a ppv roll on the shitty tease matches! setting up for mitb, so everything is ladders and tonight we have 6-man tag of the men's mitb contestants and randy and jinder 'face to face'

but now, the new day being played to the ring by their very own marching band, because we're in new orleans, so why the fuck not they could probably take shinsuke's violinist, but i'd watch it kofi opens by thanking the band even before doing their own introduction, which is good form the usos interrupt their gyrating to angrily enter and be thug at them and they can't even finish that before the fashion police turn up fandango claims to have compelling evidence hat their day one is not so h after all "If anything, your day one is...G." tell em tyler tyler gets to finish his sentence before the colóns enter to talk shit about breezango's policing skills (psst, guys) (they're not real detectives) so yeah, we're getting an 8-man tag match here although it's not immediately clear how the fashion police are allying themselves with three men wearing about 17 strings of beads between them the levelling for the announce mics is just fucked to hell tonight does smackdown even *have* a tech team, or is that how they run such a streamlined, modernised show? i do love that this push has given tyler and dango the opportunity to remind us how good they are at wrestling jbl, please stop making bead string jokes *brief shudder* xavier and tyler do a weird-ass combo move consisting of tyler doing a rana-style headscissors on xavier, then stopping at the top so xavier can throw him at primo followed by xavier joing the burgeoning dropkick to the back club the faces take everyone else out of the ring, stop for a brief trombone break and now we get to watch more american adverts i am officially tired of this shit i would much rather be watching this match than adverts about how cigarettes will fuck your mouth or this enormously fucked mountain dew advert and i can't even watch the tiny version in the corner i am very easily distracted oh thank fuck, we're back tyler's in trouble thanks to those dastardly usos jbl reminds us again how the usos are the greatest tag team in the world, and somewhere jason jordan is crying i mean, that's statistically likely at any given point, but still yeah, tyler's just getting the piss knocked out of him including a simultaneously dull yet impressive vertical suplex from epico comes back by throwing a bent-over epico at primo, then clotheslining primo so he ddts him nice, if making no sense whatsoever kofi tags in, kicks everyone, hits jimmy with a boom drop and trouble in paradise for the near-fall and tags in xavier for upupdowndown for the pin and taunt the usos as they retreat in failure

but later tonight, we have charlotte/nattie

but now, aj talks to shinsuke backstage and sami walks in like hey guys what do you want to do in this match asks for ideas, then talks over aj with his usual overthinky ring general thing does a they don't want none, goes for a high five, aj just stares, asks if shinsuke likes the plan, he just stares, sami answers himself and walks off to get warmed up long beat Shinsuke: "...I like him." AJ: "Of course you do." some lovely chemistry between those two which shoudl really surprise nobody

but now, dasha interviews mojo in some random corridor hey mojo, how did it feel to fail and not achieve your dreams last week? mojo is still wearing his watermelon hat magnanimous in defeat he's kind of happy he lost, because he responds to adversity with HYPE and we haven't seen the last of him and as he says this ZACK FUCKING RYDER appears the crowd are as stoked about this as i am he is officially back, and the hype bros are back together get the fuck in so yeah, this tag division's kind of huge

but now, here's naomi who we are reliably informed is amayayayayzing although the same cannot really be said of this new flourescent halter top she's got and she's fighting everybody's favourite leather-clad lunarian (shut up, i'll stop making that joke when and only when it stops being really fucking funny to me) bell hasn't even rung when the trash jazz begins just look at that woefully impractical dress and that super fucking awkward walk down the ramp we couldn't have brought her up through nxt and moved billie and peyton up to perform exactly the same purpose because... jbl explains the incomprehensible ascent of lana with leicester city, neglecting the fact that leicester had in fact played premiership football before that season anyway, tamina and naomi are just beating the hell out of each other tamina like i'll see your bouncy moves and leg lariats and counter by PUNCHING YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF YOUR BODY try punching her leg off of her leg i hear that works against people with legs i don't think i will ever not love that somersault facelock escape naomi does although it does kind of pose the question why she doesn't just commit to it and do a shiranui and split moonsault for the pin good match lana blindisdes the champion incredibly slowly, does a weird-ass glam slam type thing, then gets the belt off an official just by asking for it didn't know you could just do that and all jbl can say is how the belt matches her dress siiiiigh

but now, here are the singhs to introduce their boss he comes in wearing the sharpest fucking blue suit you will ever see next up in entrance music i like way more than i feel i should... the ring is sporting a fucking lovely carpet jinder briefly calls out randy, then goes straight in to calling him a coward and insulting his father maybe ramp the smacktalk up there? and now we're up to the 'promise to dismantle your enemy's legacy backward through history' step this curve feels like it's going to end up in actual bloodshed very soon starts his promo to his people/shouting at the crowd in punjabi, gets partway through, randy's music hits sends the singhs down the ramp to head him off, only for randy to run in out of the crowd and rko jinder on that lovely carpet and then he just fucks back off throught the crowd who love him for being a dickbag but somehow also a babyface dickface? yeah, let's go with that even if it wasn't in his hometown, they could not be setting this up for a 'shock' randy loss any more cue several seconds too long of randy posing and glowering in the stands

and now we have kevin coming into the locker room to brief baron and dolph who don't give the slightest shit what he has to say he's just like guys, i don't actually like either of you, but it's mutually beneficial to work together to take out the babyfaces rather than being dicks for the sake of it and shooting ourselves in the foot which...actually makes sense? dammit, kevin, stop bringing logic and game theory into my wrestling leaves to let them process this, cut to ads

up next, charlotte/nattie

but first, renee interviews randy backstage and he's just like have you even been listening talk less hit more i'm win the thing and leaves well, at least he's sticking to his epiphanies

but yes, now we have the women's match natties back to her old gear, and i'm not thrilled jbl just used the phrases "most likely" and "statistical certainty" right the fuck next to each other in a sentence dude, words mean things and you need to stop just saying whatever but yes, charlotte is here too, with new gear patterned off the terrible moulding on your grandparents' bathroom fittings shot of becky watching the match backstage pull up a fucking chair for once, someone

more wrestling in a minute, but first, YOU WATCH THIS ADVERT BREAK MOTHERFUCKER including an advert romanticising the fact that people need stimulant shots to participate in capitalist society see, this is what happens when you make me watch adverts whioe i'm freestyling i just end up veering into political/economic philosophy, and it's hard to come back from that oh thank god, we're back

we come back on natalya surfboard stretching charlotte like fuck you, i'm a real wrestler charlotte moonsaults nattie for a nearfall as we pan out to carmellsworth watching the match on a tv bigger than either of them again with fuck you i can wrestle, nattie powerbombs charlotte out of the corner for a nearfall (don't tell anyone, but this is actually a good match) naturally, as i say that, it turns into a series of cheap rollup attemtps, then natural selection for the pin but it made charlotte look desperate, which it's always nice to see side note: they've recoloured the GBoF logo so BALLS is the least eye-catching part

time for fashion files noir bitches dango opens with a gritty monologue about his terrible parents cut to him admirin his pecs in a mirror and cut to tyler, lying in the trashed fashion police office dango gets a description of their attackers "One arm....No, two arms!" dango sketches something, tyler confirms that it was them who attacked him dango hustles tyler off to get help, and we slow zoom on the pair of stick figures as the segment ends

but now, let's have an inspiration porn segment about a kid not dying of liver disease let's not get into my ranting about disability politics

moving on, dasha grabs lana backstage for an opinion lana's like i don't actually give a shit what any of you think byeeeeeeee

but now it's main event time opening with kevin's massive distorted face it's like neville and tjp selling their names for power, this is clearly a 'you can be champion if we can reveal how you look like hodor when viewed from below' situation and now here's baron, accomnpanied by a vt of him being a twat last week (but which instance? we may never know) dolph's entrance is mostly overridden by an advert for talking smack, which i won't be watching because jbl's on it sami and aj enter with less fanfare, but they still don't want none to leave time for the best music in the company but how will he enter tomorrow night the suspense whoever the tommaso ciampa-looking dude in the corner is, he is freaking the fuck out about being within reach of shinsuke cut for ads, during which the match apparently started and as we come back, i realise that i didn't fully appreciate the awfullness of those godawful cyan tights dolph iswearing only emphasised by putting him in the ring with shinsuke shinsuke counters dolph's elbow drop through his signature technique of 'being elsewhere', hot tags aj in, and he opens by basically hitting dolph with the bitter end and then an ushigoroshi, except we don't say that any more ooh, nice counter goes for a styles clash, dolph counters to a tornado ddt everyone else gets involved, cut for ads, and we come back on dolph/sami natursally, kevin immediately comes in as i type that sami counters kevin's senton with his knees, basically turning it into a self-inflicted lumbar check as often happens, this heel team seems much more concerned with shouting at everyone within range than having the match sami gets the shit beaten out of him by kevin, counters to a blue thunder bomb, can't quite flop fast enough to make the tag takes some more punishment, pulls out a big lariat and then bullfights all three heels out of the ring in succession sloooooowly flops to his corner, and just as he gets there dolph and kevin pull aj and shinsuke off the apron lovely bit of timing so sami just goes fuck it and helluva kicks baron for the pin maybe lead with that general fighting ensues and now kevin has a ladder he and dolph hit sami and aj with it "Unforgiving impact of that ladder on your flesh." byron's freestyling for his upcoming black metal album meanwhile, baron gets the ladder and fucks on everyone with it sets it up under the briefcase, climbs sloooooowly enough for shinsuke to push it over and somewhere, randy orton began to bleed kinshasa to baron, and shinsuke dramatically climbs the ladder himself and retrieves the most important business supplies in the world and we fade on him posing

so yeah, setup show, but that was pretty good and it looks like mitb should be good better than extreme rules, at any rate and certainly less of a misnomer unless it suddenly becomes clear that shane's accounts were frozen long ago and there was never actually any money but in any case i'll try and get this up tonight (Saturday), and then it's mitb tomorrow hmu on twitter @waruce if you want to see me struggle not to fall asleep and also to reconcile my excitement for MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEY with the failings of late-stage capitalism (shit, it happened again)

anyway, that ends this week's show, but up next, it looks like it's gonna get a bit finnegans wake

[junker-town]

Francesco Totti was Roma’s greatest son

His mythical career at AS Roma has finally come to an end.

After 25 years, 785 appearances and 307 goals, Francesco Totti has retired from football. He leaves Roma as its greatest player, but more than that, he has become one of the Eternal City’s best myths: “You are — and will always be — my life,” he told the fans after his final game. “I will no longer entertain you with my feet, but my heart will always be there with you.”

The night that Francesco Totti was born, Umberto Lenzini had a nightmare. The god of sleep, Morpheus came to the man in the form of a young boy covered in gold.

Lenzini, in the land of enchantment, watched this boy walk towards the Stadio Olimpico. The boy clutched a dead eagle with his left hand and sucked on the thumb of his right. A she-wolf walked beside him. When he reached the stadium, the gates opened wide to receive the child but when Lenzini moved to enter, the doors shut in his face and the she-wolf turned around to him in anger. She would not allow him into the stadium.

Lenzini awoke in a panic and mumbling the name, “Totti.”

Two years before that night, Lazio had won its first league title. The glory should have come to them the season before, but on the last day of that campaign, their fate was depended upon Roma beating or drawing against Juventus. Lenzini believed that Roma purposely lost that game. Lenzini knew that this was no ordinary nightmare, it was a warning from the gods.

When Lenzini took over as President in the late 1960s, Lazio were in a financial crisis and struggling in the second division. He led them back into the top division soon after. And not long after that, they swept their rivals, Juventus, Milan and Roma, before being crowned champions in that 1973-1974 season. Roma finished in 8th. Lenzini and his men celebrated the achievement for a week. The Olimpico, as well as the city of Rome, was draped in the colors of white and blue. Food and drink were bountiful and every man, woman and child ate and drank to their heart’s delight. At the end of the feast, Lenzini, standing on a pedestal in the middle of the Centro Storico, surrounded by thousands of citizens, a combination of those loyal to him, his enemies and curious individuals, in the view of heavens, declared that Rome belonged to Le Aquile.

After his panic had settled down, Lenzini summoned a few of his men to him. There in the dark of his bedroom, he tasked them with scouring the city to find the Tottis. They were to bring him the newborn child by any circumstance.

The men set about the hospitals in the city like a plague. They destroyed everything they came in contact with. In their search, Lenzini’s men harassed doctors and nurses, those who did and did not provide them with any valuable information. The longer their search, the more destructive they grew. Finally, they arrived at the San Giovanni Addolorata Hospital. Under the threat of death, a secretary revealed to that Lorenzo and Fiorella Totti were in one of the rooms and they had just given birth to a boy. When the men burst through the doors ready to follow their dreadful orders, they were surprised to find man and wife weeping together over their child. The universe had done its worst, and the baby had passed away shortly after its birth. There was no need to do anything more. The men returned to Lenzini with the news, and he was relieved.

Unknown to them though, Apollo had sent one of his nurses to warn the new parents of the threat before the men had arrived. The nurse pleaded with the Tottis to trust in the wisdom of the god of light and to put the child under his protection. She promised that the boy would return to them one day and he would live to become one of the greatest Romans to ever live. He would bring honor to the city and his family. The Tottis reluctantly obeyed and gave their child to the messenger. The lifeless body that Lenzini’s men had seen and inspected was a trick of Apollo’s.

The nurse fled from the hospital and out the Porta Metronia. She took the baby to the river Tiber. There she knelt down and placed the boy in a sealed box with small openings at the top, so that he could breathe. She prayed for his safety and then she exposed him to the water. Miraculously, the box did not flow with the current, but instead began to move upstream, towards Mount Fumaiolo and Le Vene del Tevere. When the box reached the village of Balze di Verghereto, a she-wolf picked it from the water and carried the baby to the door of a sterile peasant woman. The woman, seeing the crying baby, fell to her knees and thanked the gods for their favor.

On the day that Giuseppe Giannini was to make his debut for Roma in 1982, Fiorella Totti was with her husband when she saw a young boy walking to the Olimpico alone. The boy moved through the crowd as if in a trance, drawn to the stadium by a greater power. She followed him cautiously to the entrance, where he walked past the guards, who seemed to make no notice of him. Then he was engulfed in the match-day crowd. From that day on, she would always see this same boy before every home game, wavering and sucking his thumb.

One day she decided to stop him. She knelt down to his height, put her hands on his shoulder and asked for his name and where he came from.

The child, with his eyes glazed over, said that his name was Francesco, and that he had come from a village close to the city. She asked him who his parents were, and the boy told her the story that had been told to him by his adopted mother. That he had been given to the peasant woman as a gift from the heavens, and she had raised him as if he was her own child. He did not know his real parents but he had been told that he was a child of Rome.

Photo by Grazia Neri/Getty Images

Fiorella knew this was her son, and she embraced him, promising to never let him leave her sight again.

The young Francesco loved nothing more than football, and the club of his heart was Roma, as it had was for his father and grandfather. When he wasn’t watching the club on television or in the stadium to see Giannini, he showed his talents on the streets. He spent his days dribbling down the Via Vetulonia, bamboozling bigger children and amusing his elders. It didn’t take longer before scouts began to whisper about him.

Eventually the word reached Lenzini, who thought that he could quell the threat by signing Francesco to Lazio. When his representatives arrived at the Totti household, they were immediately rebuffed by Fiorella. She had no time for them. They had not even started to make their proposal before she slammed the door on their faces.

Next came Juventus, and still she said no. Then Milan arrived promising enough money to change the fortunes of the future generations of Tottis. Yet, Fiorella stood firm in her position. Her son would only play for Roma.

“It was my mother who drove me to practice. Outside the grounds, she’d wait for me. She’d wait two, three, sometimes four hours while I trained. She’d wait in the rain, in the cold, it didn’t matter. She waited so I could have my dream.”

When Fiorella heard that Lodigiani, Francesco’s youth club, had promised the boy to Lazio against her wishes, she marched into the office of Gildo Giannini — Giuseppe’s father and the youth coach of Roma — and demanded that he take Francesco. Gildo had no choice but to obey.

Before long, Francesco made his way through the various age groups, and on March of 1993, the beautiful blond 16-year old was given his debut against Brescia with five minutes left in the match. A few yards away from him, on the same pitch, stood Giuseppe Giannini, his idol and Rome’s crown prince.

Four years later, Totti inherited Giannini’s number 10. He would wear it for the next 21 years. Totti was made captain of the club a year after being given the shirt. For the next two decades, he conquered Italy and the world. The boy in gold who looked up to the Prince of Rome became one of the city’s greatest rulers.

Totti scored his first goal on the first day of the following season after his debut. Two goals against Cesena in 2012 took him to 211 at the time, the most any player had ever scored for a single club in Italy. On March 18, 2013, he scored against Parma to break Gunnar Nordahl’s 225 goal record for most goals scored in Serie A. He is Roma’s all time leading scorer, and appearance holder, in Serie A and Europe.

In his first senior international tournament, Totti was named the Man of the Match for the Euro 2000 Final, making the team of the tournament in the process. In a penalty shoot-out against Holland, Totti told him teammates that he would chip Edwin van der Sar from the penalty spot. Then he did so.

The year after, he won the league with Roma. At the end of that season, he was awarded the Serie A Footballer and Italian Footballer of the Year — he would win the Italian Footballer of the Year four more times. In 2006, he led Italy to a World Cup triumph. Playing with metal plates in his ankles, he finished the tournament as the assists leader and a member of the All-Star team. The next season, he was both the top scorer and assist leader in Serie A. he also scored his favorite goal: a left-footed volley from a tight angle on the left side of the box against Sampdoria.

Totti is also unsurprisingly, the leading scorer in the Roman Derby. He has punished Lenzini’s men since the beginning. For 25 years, he has been a symbol of Roma’s superiority.

When Roma beat Lazio 3-1 in the 98-99 season, it was Totti who denied the Eagles their comeback after Christian Vieri’s goal. Totti had pounced on a loose ball in the dying minutes to put the game beyond doubt. Then he celebrated by taking off his shirt and revealing a message underneath to the Lazio fans: “Vi ho purgato ancora.” I have purged you again. The defeat cost Lazio the title, as they finished the season just one point below Milan.

Yet, every legend must come to an end. Unfortunately, Totti has a human body and it ages like any other.

Over 26 years, Totti has seen players who were supposed to take his place, come and go. He has played for Gildo Giannini, admired his son, played alongside the Prince, and surpassed him. He has been a left winger, striker, second striker, false 9 and a trequartista. He led Roma to her only title, he’s won the World Cup with Italy and in between, he was kicked out of Euro 2004 for spitting on an opponent. He has fought with almost every manager that he’s played under: Vincenzo Montella, Fabio Capello, Luis Enrique, Claudio Ranieri and especially Luciano Spaletti. Totti has been hero and villain many times over.

He had even threatened to leave Roma on a free transfer before and came very close to moving to Real Madrid 13 years ago.

Yet he never did. Totti has been a Roman for 40 years and has played for Roma for 25 years of that. The Olimpico has been his throne. He has brought glory to the club of his heart and has been her most faithful son. The players, managers and world changed round him, but Totti remained and fought for his club.

“People ask me, why spend your whole life in Rome? Rome is my family, my friends, the people that I love. Rome is the sea, the mountains, the monuments. Rome, of course, is the Romans. Rome is the yellow and red.Rome, to me, is the world. This club, this city, has been my life.”

Last year, Totti complained to Spaletti about his lack of playing time. The manager subsequently dropped him out of the team for Roma’s 5-0 win against Palermo. Former manager Zdenek Zeman and former teammate John Arne Riise came to the captain’s defense afterwards. Zeman didn’t believe that the golden boy was finished. He said that Totti isn’t just any player, that he IS Roma. That Il Re di Roma had given everything to the club.

Riise went a step beyond and said: “With all due respect to the other players, Francesco Totti is like a god.”