#but how am i supposed to do that when even my art cant reach 100 likes

[koko2unite]

[fnaf-sxc]

Any thoughts on, what you'll do with the unfinished M!As that you have on here?

FUCK

TL:DR: I might scrap the Magic Anons that are unfinished, I want to rework old ideas and comics but not make major changes to the AU, Im waiting for Security Breach for an idea I have.

Long ver under the cut:

I’ve re-reading parts of my AU to unlock the plot of them from my memories, its been interesting and some-what cringe worth it, mostly because my english was bleeagghhh, somewhat worst to the level I have now (?) I still dont know the time verbs but jfc sometimes the english text was literally a spanish phrase, that only sound good in spanish. 

There are also some topics in the AUs that I felt I did poorly, because I was younger and way inexperienced in storytelling... still, I still love a lot of things I did for the AU and even when there are some I wish i didnt implemented, I had fun

I am currently reworking the first meeting of Dark and Spring in a mini comic format because HOLY that is an old comic and is show poorly (i dont know if i should go with gijinka, animatronic or the furry ver (?))

As for Magic Anons... mhhhh

I quickly check just now and... well, is complicated, because retake them would mean reconect with the original ideas i had before and like i said, i didnt like how i introduced and potrayed some things, specially in The Spin Set, which was the first AU I did 100% myself, without talking and rambling to a friend to collectivelly make ideas... and I feel im weak when I do ideas on my own jklaghsjkd

The M!A that are left are Phantoms in the Room (pretty light hearted, nowhere to go), Big Bun (lighthearted, nowhere to go), Dominant (im somewhat uncomfy with this, nowhere to go) and Age Storm, which for some reason I begin to add actual plot to The Spin Set to it and because I begin to make it heavier, I begin to ignore the main plot jkhaskdas.

At first M!A were supposed to be a lighthearted escape from the AUs, unpredicteable and overall fun, but after I completed one and read it in one go I re-read it and is very messy chronologically, things happen too slow or too fast, there is nothing planned so is super weird and I didnt like that, so I begin to use M!S and try to think on a plot and make the asks interact and guide it, but I knew what story I wanted to tell and what I had to do. Which is why I also add rules to the ask and overall ignore thoses who were trying to gain control over what I was showing, what I was telling.

If anything this is the main base of the Sonic AU project im currently working, im telling a story, i know whats going to happen and what will happen, and people can send asks and interact, but never interfeer. I am the puppet master, and as much people want to take the lead and make me change the story, they cant.

I guess I complitelly broke the whole magic of the Magic Anons heh, but it was because It made me uncomfy to not be in control of my own story, and make a flip-flop comic had make no sence when I finished it. 

I used to had in mind “how do I make a comic that people like enough to want to do a comic dub about it?” and work towards that idea, make comics that were insteresting, had a structure and look atractive (as much as it can being a plain doodle and not fullcolor).... I even make a few myself to fullfill that desire I had. This is a problem I still had till today, I know it sounds selfish when I write it and people read it, but it was like a “personal goal”, the “reach this level of professionalism in your work”.

I dont think I want to retake the 5(6?) AUs I worked on originally, the whole “Silververse”, at least not with how they are currently. Like I said, there were choices I made that I didnt like when I re-read them, but i still have some nostalgia about it. 

I know The Fright is the only AU that has an end (which is not very good written im so sorry I wish i could write), Nightmare World never got to the endgame since I could never fully work on Nightmare/Golden relationship, their toxicity and their redemption to start like a healthy couple, The Spin Set has 2 endings and the more I remember them, the more I realize I had to do a lot to even get to the endgame stage, I never get to fully work on Purgatory Simulator and UCN is a whole new thing that I want to work on in the future.

There are 2 things I regret that I did a lot in the AUs and is hightly tied to how emotionally inmature I was back in 2015-2016, but I dont want to enter in discussion, All i want to say is that I can make it better, I can make it great.

I want to give closure but I cant in the current state things are, I need to fix but note errase the original aura this had. And with my FNaF hype back bc all it took was see the FNaF AR animatronics move like animatronics (bc this series at some point stop being about animatronics and more about “What did Mr Afton did now?????”), I want to work on things.

Here is the plan I have:

I want to rework a few comics, maybe not all of them, but a few, maybe add a few more to patch parts of the story I felt needed to be fixed.The Fright had ended, I could pulish it. Nightmare World never reach endgame even with all the backstory of the nightmares, I could make it happen. The Spin Set needed more development before I reach the 2 endings, I could make that happen, even better to what I had in mind before. Purgatory Simulator could be a short AU comparated to The Spin Set, but dense and straight to the point, and it would be great.

But that takes time, a lot of time, specially when Im just entering the world of being a freelancer, not having a stable job to sustent myself, and a lot of different projects Im working on and I dont want to leave behind. But i could do it, if you believe in me and have patience that I always come back, I could do it.

I also want to have fun, and not tie myself to anything.

On the other hand... I had an idea for another AU that includes UCN, FNAF VR, FNAF AR and the upcoming FNAF SB. It wouldnt be part of “Silververse” because the end of thoses is FNAF SL and FNAF 6, not a continuation as there would be too many timelines, but a frash start on another verse... this time in hands of another Nightmare Puppet, not Nightmarionne.

I have ideas, i’ve working on designs of thoses games for fun and to check if it could work, but I cannot do much till the new game is out. Its an idea I would like to do, and if I fail well, at least I will make comics about it.

So yeah- sorry for the long explanation/rant, Mr Hippo is my spirit animal (?). I guess this was a weight i begin to carry since 2016, the “work on too many things and only about one series” expecting to have something in return, so when my Sonic Forces art begin to have that recognition I lean more on that side.

But you know what? I graduated as an Illustrator, and along all thoses years I connected to the idea that I draw to make myself happy, and make people happy is such a bonus that makes me more happy.

I love FNaF, I dont have to tie and restrict myself for something I love, love is free and I can perfectly draw and be into something for months and then move to a different place, as long as it makes me happy.

And as long you sitll have fun with my content, things will be okay

[bazzledazzled]

I’m not going to lie to you I am 100% pulling these headcanons from the spam of messages i sent @waywardpadaleski​ but I saw Voltron Hogwarts AUs floating around and I decided to make headcanons because I love this idea ive also doodled stuff and may post some or write something just not rn

OKAY SO

pretty much the houses just go with their lions— but lance is special snowflake im sorry i know i sound like one of those uber annoying lance stans that shove da boi down everyones throats i cant help it i love him but bare with me this makes sense

Okay so Keith is in Gryffindor because ofc he would

Pidge is Slytherin

Hunk is Hufflepuff

Allura is totally a Ravenclaw

What about Lance, you ask? Well u know how JK Rowling said that there’s things called “Hat Stalls” where people took longer than 5 min to get sorted???

Ye well Lance is one of THOSE

It would work with canon if you think about it because he kinda is stuck between the red lion and the blue lion and like-- I know keef is the same way with the black lion but shush

SO ANYWAYS

the sorting hats dilemma is that he’s smart and has the means to excel in Ravenclaw, but at the same time he’s outrageously brave like a Gryffindor

(MY BOI IS SMART FITE ME)

So the hat doesn’t know what to put him in

Then the sorting hat comes to the conclusion that while he could do great in Ravenclaw, he wouldn’t reach his full potential unless he was a Gryffindor (*COUGH* LIKE CANON)

Sooooo-- Pidge is like a year or two behind Hunk, Lance, and Keith because y’know, shes younger and stuff and she kinda gets into the group because of her older brother

THATS RIGHT MATTS HERE

So Matt is a Ravenclaw and him and Shiro are besties ofc

(Shiros Gryffindor sorry I forgot to mention it)

Matt was also a Hat Stall because when i was thinking about his house i couldn’t decide between Ravenclaw, Slytherin, or Gryffindor

But he’s Ravenclaw cuz it fits in with an Adashi thing im gonna bring up later

ANYWAYS

Shiro is also Keith’s older brother, they’re not biological siblings, its just Keefs dad was friends with shiros parents and when he passed away the Shiroganes adopted him 

Shiro is ANNOYED because Keith and Lance are always fighting with each other in the commons and he just wants to read his book in peace

Now here comes the Adashi

Okay okay so Adam is Ravenclaw

I know we barely know anything about Adam (*glares at s7*) BUT based on stuff and how the fanon Adam is, I’m saying he’s Ravenclaw

So anyways

Let’s get to Quidditch because that’s part of the Adashi part of this AU

Keef is a Gryffindor Seeker because like-- he go vroom

I lowkey am making Lance a Keeper not only cuz he would be good at it but also cuz of those cheesy shirts that say things like “He’s a Keeper” and “She’s a Catch” 

Shiro is a Chaser

Pidge and Hunk I think would be Beaters???? Idk

OH! James Griffin is also a Slytherin Seeker byeeee

Adam is the Ravenclaw Keeper

Headcanon is if theres one thing Lance and Adam have in common, its that they can make people flustered very easily 

So ya know what Adam does, much to Shiro’s annoyance???

He flirts with him

Whenever they have games that are Ravenclaw vs. Gryffindor Adam will flirt with Shiro, winking at him, yelling stuff across the field, making Shiro so flustered he can’t throw straight (pun intended)

One time Adam gets Shiro so flustered he drops the ball

Matt, a Beater, high fives him

OH! Also Allura is a Chaser and she’s like the best Chaser in the school FITE ME

Okay thats enough of quidditch 

Okay so as for family lineage and stuff

Shiro, Lance, and Hunk are muggleborns

They just are

Shiro’s parents knew about Magic because of keef and were surprised when they found out Shiro was a wizard

Lance is the only wizard in his family and he gets homesick a lot because he’s the only one who goes to Hogwarts and he misses his siblings and stuff

But he always brings niece and nephew home stuff from Hogsmade that he thinks they’ll like 

Hunk, Lance, and Shiro meet because Hogwarts started a club during the summer for Muggleborns where they can meet and talk about concerns with Hogwarts and magic and stuff with other muggleborns that are older

So Lance and Hunk soon become really close friends and Shiro is kinda their advisor and stuff

Anyways

Keith is a Halfblood, which makes sense because i mean he’s half galra on the show so

His mom was a witch, and idk if im going to have her run away for something or die?? I mean I kinda want her to run away cuz of something so they can be reunited but i have no idea what it would be unless this was during the time of harry potter and it had something to do with Voldemort but i kinda want to stay away from all that so ye

Pidge and Matt are purebloods

But they’re not the stuck up purebloods

They’re literally the Weasleys 

Sam has a fascination with muggle technology that Pidge and Matt share

So like, they have a lot of fancy tech

Pidge and Matt snuck a DS on campus and play Zelda at meals

Allura is probably a Pureblood but shes way less snooty, maybe even compared to her parents

As for teachers

Coran is Herbology teacher or something???

Alfor is Defense against the Dark Arts maybe??? I don’t know either him or Zarkon 

Haggar is obviously the potions teacher

ANYWAYS

Everyone hates Lotor cuz his parents are teachers and he’s a teachers pet

But back to Haggar in potions

So she’s like the slytherin head thing or whatever they were

so yknow she’s biased

and it doesnt help that her son is also slytherin

(also Zarkon is a Gryffindor sorryyyyy)

(This also could play into keith or lance’s story by them being compared to Zarkon or something and it unsettling them)

(This just in-- I think Zarkon should be the voldemort)

(oh shoot im getting sidetracked with imagining zarkon as voldemort and lance as harry potter)

(help)

ANYWAYS

So ofc she sees that Lance and Keith are always at each others throat

and makes them potions partnets

because it makes it easier for them to get in trouble because they keep fighting and then she can take points from gryffindor 

ANYWAYS

The one day they are tasked with making Amortentia, right??

Oh god this is so mcfreaking cliche im sorry

So Keef and Lonce are there, both tired from studying or something so already they’re cranky and half asleep

So they’re making the potion right?

And lance just coughs, a look of disgust on his face

“What?” Keef says. Lance plugs his nose.

“U stink, Keith.” And throughout potions class Lance keeps complaining that Keith smells really bad or something or he used too much cologne idk

Ofc like Pidge is in that class and shes snickering

Lance turns to her like “WHAT IS IT PIDGE” 

She asks him if he knows what the potion is supposed to do

He’s just like “It makes people fall in love with u.”

“Yes but what else?” Both keith and Lance stare at her blankly. She explains that when u smell it you smell what u love most

Both keef and lances eyes widen

For the first time in forever they’re quite the entire period

Keith has a gay panic

Lance has a bi panic

they are disasters

Shiro confronts pidge after that day

“Pidge what did u do to keef and lonce they’re broken”

Pidge is all like, “Excuse me????”

“They’re being nice to each other.” 

Hunk, who is also there, just snorts

“Pls explain this to me,” Shiro says, exasperated

Pidge explains the Amortentia scene

Shiro just laughs because of course they were in love with each other

(it lowkey reminds him of him and Adam)

(okay now i have theories that the reason why they made Adam shiro’s boyfriend is because its meant to mirror OTHER ships in voltron *cough* KLANCE and its foreshadowing or something i mean adam does look like lance and shiro and keith are sorta similar)

(shut up candy back to the AU)

Hunk admits that Lance has had a crush on keeth for like ever but he keeps saying its just a rivalry thing

Actual conversation between the two:

“And what’s up with his hair?? It’s like straight out of the 80′s and he has all the bangs over his eyes like an EMO like why is he trying to hide his eyes?” Lance blushes because he’s thinking about how beautiful Keefs eyes are. “Like why? Why is his hair like that i dont understand?? And what does he do to it why is it so soft???”

“You’ve touched his hair?”

“Yeah I was trying to see if I’m taller than him yet” Hunk was just confused but then Lance kept talking about keiths hair and he let it slip when it was like, almost 3am that keiths hair made him look pretty and lance would never be able to make that look good on himself, then immediately said something about the one time keef blew something up in first year because hes an idiot as a coverup

So hunk has known for some time

Even when lance didn’t know

So for the next couple weeks keith and lance act kinda weird around each other

because they don’t know how to handle feelings

they mostly avoid each other, standing on opposite ends of the room and glaring at each other

but of course that doesnt help them at all because for some reason they share a room

(oh my god they were roommates)

The rest of the boys in the room are angry because of all the sexual tension its giving them anxiety and they started sleeping in the commons

I actually have no idea who the other three boys would be because one of them couldnt be shiro because hes older and everyone else is in different houses so

At one point keith just blurts “Whats wrong with you?”

Lance gets all defensive because he takes it in a different way than Keith meant and thought Keith was saying he was flawed or something and he was broken and...

heres the langst

Lance just starts to get upset and is yelling saying nothing is wrong with him and he almost starts to cry because he’s just so confused and doesn’t know whats going on and he feels like hes not good enough for Gryffindor and

He has a lot of emotions

And he says all this, starting to ramble through tears, pouring all of his emotions out

Keef is shook

he doesn’t know what to do Lance never acted like this in front of him before and he’s never seen lance like this, so self conscious and doubting himself 

Keith doesn’t know how lance could even think these things because in his eyes-- lance is perfect

Lance has always been so much better at magic than he was

and He’s so confident and such a good Keeper 

He gingerly touches Lance’s shoulder. 

“Lance I--” Keith doesn’t know what words to say, but apparently he doesn’t need to say any

Lance wraps his arms around him, burying his face in his shoulder, sniffling

Keith is surprised at first because u know keef

He doesn’t know how to react when someone hugs him

He gently hugs lance back, resting his head on Lances and running his fingers through his hair

Lance calms down, his breathing slowing and seeming more relaxed

when he does, keith tries his best to tell him how great he thinks lance is and how hes jealous and all that

Lance pulls away, rubbing his eyes. 

“You mean it?” Keith nods solemnly, not looking at Lance. Lance touches his cheek, causing him to look back up, his brows knit together in confusion

Lance doesn’t know why, but he kisses him

(*klance fangirl in me starts screaming*)

and just??? the moment feels perfect to both of them? This was someone they always thought of as a rival, were always jealous of, and were always thinking about. They never truely understood their feelings for each other, until now

Shiro doesn’t comment when they walk into the dinning hall the next morning holding hands

But Pidge sure does 

Okay im trying to think of more headcanons involving people other than Shiro, Keith, and Lance because i love all the characters and they deserve attention

Hunk makes friends with two other Hufflepuff girls 

he he he yall know who it is

SHAY AND ROMELLE

MY GURLS

Shay and Romelle have been friends since they were first years and Shay yelled at Lotor for making fun of Romelle

they’ve been besties ever since

Hunk meets Shay and Romelle in Herbology because in like maybe 5th year or something Hufflepuff house was taught Herbology with the Slytherins. Every year before that it was either with Ravenclaw or Gryffindor so he would pair with Lance, Keith, Allura, or Shiro

Pidge was a year or two bellow him so they didn’t have classes together in case u were wondering

For the specific thing they needed a group of three and even though Hunk is a pretty nice guy and can make friends with everyone, everyone sorta had their trio

Because ofc he can find a PARTNER that was left out of their group of three, but suddenly they’re paired off in threes and there’s no sad loner who has no friends. 

Shay and Romelle have an opening in their group

Hunk goes to work with them

They’re honestly the cinnamon roll squad and when Hunk introduces them to his friends Lance and Pidge immediately nickname them that 

Hunk quickly falls in love with Shay

Like deeply in love

He’s always complimenting her and laughing at what she says

Romelle keeps trying to tell Shay that he likes her but Shay just goes “he’s just a nice person, Elle”

The Yule ball comes around ofc

and at this point Lance and Keith are dating

This is probably around.... Sixth year I want to say? 

So here’s the line up 

Keith and Lance go to the dance together

Shiro asks Adam in like this grand way and Adam is just like “wait we weren’t going together before??”

Matt doesn’t have a date but he invites Pidge because she threatened him (she wants to take pictures of Klance and Adashi acting cute and coupley to use as blackmail and Matt supports it)

Hunk starts freaking out because he really really really wants to ask Shay but he doesn’t know how

Lance gives him a pep talk, saying that she obviously likes him of course she’ll say yes

Hunk is still nervous

Lance is all like “C’mon asking your crush out isnt that bad if she says no she says no, but if she says yes then you get an awesome date.” 

“Says the one who had a crush on his boyfriend since second year and covered it up as a rivalry.” Lance looks offended.

“You need to stop hanging out with Pidge.” 

Lance decides to be Hunks wingman and starts asking Shay things like “You planning on going to the Yule Ball?” and “What do you think of Hunk?” He sees that she is very much interested and repots this to Hunk

He helps Hunk come up with a way to ask her

And its like the sweetest thing Romelle is in on it and she gives some stupid excuse as to why she cant study for herbology with them 

then her and lance hide behind a bookshelf, giggling

Hunk gets super flustered

But he manages to ask her

Shay also gets really flustered

But says yes

oof okay thats three of my big ships canon now for the fourth. 

When Hunk first introduces Allura to Romelle, her first thought is “Her. I want to date Her.” 

Now Lance and Allura have already come out to each other as bi disasters

It actually happened when Lance got with Keith and they were talking about him, doing facials (they take care of their skin with each other fite me) 

And Lance is just like “Yeah so I guess I like guys and girls” and allura is like “YOU CAN DO THAT” and lance is like “yeah????” and hes not sure if shes being biphobic or what and hes scared for like 0.1 second

and then allura just goes “Oh my god lonce i think i like guys and girls too”

And then they just start laughing

I guess I should also mention that they dated at one point too???

I don’t think it would’ve been super long, but probably around 3rd year they dated and thats actually probably how Allura got introduced to the Squad??

Lance first saw her when he finally joined the Gryffindor Quidditch team 

He got picked to be a Keeper the second year

So their first game is against ravenclaw

And he’s pretty good for the most part

And then all of a sudden he sees allura flying towards him and she looks so beautiful and how can she be so beautiful and--

She just scored a goal

and he was staring dumbly at her

So Lance and Allura’s relationship kind of developed like it did in the show with Lance flirting with her and Allura being annoyed to them becoming friends and eventually mutual crush

Allura’s actually the one to ask Lance out

They date for a while and theyre actually a really cute couple

(I may be a hardcore Klancer but I do find Allurlance cute on the occasion)

But after a bit... it kinda fades away?? I don’t know they just start to feel like when they kiss its not... not how they thought it would be??

They slowly start to realize that they kinda just want to be friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend

It just adds stress that they don’t want and they want to be able to tell each other anything without having to worry about stuff

so they break up soon after they start dating

sadly

but they dont?? feel too broken up about it???

The feeling was mutual

Plus they like each other much more as friends than romantic partners

They’re like the ultumate brotp 

Now they give each other facials every thursday

anyways

so allura finds out that she has a crush on Romelle

and who does she go to?

Ofc its lance hes a successful bi with a boyfriend

So he pretty much teaches her how to flirt

like seriously he teaches her how to flirt

And Allura makes it her duty to flirt with Romelle at every possibly oppertunity

Making Romelle freak out because how is she supposed to read this does she want to date Allura or????

They don’t really go any further for a while, its just allura slipping in little things every now and again or blowing kisses at romelle in the stands as she scores a goal

When the Yule ball rolls around, both Allura and Romelle dont have dates (Lotor asked Allura to the dance because they kissed one time in a game of spin the bottle and she responded with judoflipping him)

But they have fun

Everyone has fun actually

Its amazing and fluffy

(i feel like i should write a snapshot of this so i can finally write a fic that isnt centered around klance)

And a slow song comes on

Hunk and Shay awkwardly dance with each other, blushing brightly

Lance and Keith have their heads pressed together, Lance kissing Keith’s nose as they dance and making keith so flustered he stumbles and they both fall to the floor laughing

Adam and Shiro are that couple everyone is jealous of because theyre so perfect?? Like they have matching outfits and they dance gracefully and they kiss at just the right moments??

Pidge and Matt are god knows where probably videotaping the whole thing

And Allura kinda jokingly goes, “Well I guess then we should dance too.” And Romelle surprises her by taking her hand, pulling her onto the dancefloor

and freaking allura is actually really flustered and she’s blushing, having a hard time looking at Romelle

(romelle is having a hard time looking at her to fsajndvjhaio)

They’re both blushing. 

At the end of the song theyre much closer to each other than they started

They look up at each other

And then Romelle squeezes her eyes tight and kisses allura

It barely lasts for a second

Allura is shook

Romelle is in Lesbian Painc

Allura is in Bi Panic

Nobody seems to have noticed

but both girls are dying

And then allura just timidly asks, “Can you-- can you do that again?”

Pidge walks up to them kissing and just goes, “Oh thank god I thought I was going to have to force you two to kiss”

Because pidge oversees everything and knows everyones crushes that theyre too stupid to see

I feel bad for pidge i don’t really know what big moments she should have???

I feel like shes a trouble maker though

Not like cruel pranks or something 

But she likes to play jokes on people

A lot of the times that person is Lance

A lot of the time Keith is in on it

I also feel like eventually Allura and Romelle start to join her??

She recruits them for some big thing

Idk what

Its probably like a surprise for either Klance’s anniversary or Adashi’s 

And they love this way of life

Romelle betrays the cinnamon roll squad and goes to the dark side

Also a little more about pidge

She was almost a Hat Stall

Her two houses were Slytherin and Ravenclaw

But at like 4 min and 43 seconds the hat announced slytherin

her family is actually a mix of slytherins and ravenclaws

her dad and brother are ravenclaws

her mom is slytherin

OH AND BEFORE I LEAVE

Lances rivalry with Keith started because Keith bought the last of the candy he wanted on the train

And during like 7th year when they’re cuddling or something and Keith is like “why did u start this rivalry” and lance says it’s because he took the candy and Keith is SHOOK and goes “I would have shared if u asked”

and yeah i may add but heres most of the headcanons i came up with

[moldypieceoflasagna]

36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe 

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe. 

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth. 

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions  would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

 i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity  @drawinintherain )

[lordelmelloi2]

i learned some things abt myself that are crucial to my recovery last night & are things i am gonna do more research on bc theyre so important

you have to genuinely love yourself for stuff

like you cant just do things and say its self love, you can't just indulge and say its self love. you can't say you love yourself and respect yourself if its not genuine and you're still wanting things from others. like straight up. if your core desires are validation & comfort & sympathy& attention from others, you don't genuinely love yourself or don't love yourself enough.

and here's the thing... i forgot at some point that i loved myself at all. probably because there were some reasonably traumatizing things happening in my life last fall. and the thing is when you stop genuinely loving yourself you stop wanting to help yourself and you start putting this idea in your head that its others fault for not helping you, others fault for ignoring you, others should reach out to you and you should get attention and sympathy and validation for your suffering. and that's just not how it works. it starts with you. it genuinely starts with you loving yourself.

and it has to be genuine. like 100% genuine and you'll KNOW when its genuine because when you're as down in the pits as any typical depressed person, once you find the first thing you love yourself truly and genuinely for, it feels liberating. it feels like you've unlocked something in yourself. you might even cry. I know I certainly did hhdfj

so for me, even though i don't have a full list like the DBT skill S.A.C.R.E.D. says (5 things), there are things i love myself for. i love myself for trying to be a good person. note how i didn't make this a b/w thing- for trying my damned hardest to be a good person, i genuinely love, am proud of, and respect myself. none of you have known me for years, but i did not use to be as open minded or even partial towards trying to be at all. a lot of longtime friends of mine (10+ years) know ive made a lot of progress and ive become really a very understanding person and i will continue to try to do so. and i love myself for that!

the other thing i identified was my skills. i am a very, very fucking skilled person, to the point where i have trouble organizing my resume because of it. i have skills and experience and especially in creative arts - and that is something i respect about myself. i have a lot of creative power. and i absolutely fucking love myself for that.

i have a lot of self insight! ive been complimented on this in the past a lot. it contributed to my ability to self reflect and become a better person over the years. this is a very respectable and admirable trait to have. i have excellent critical thinking skills and i enjoy working and critically thinking on projects i am genuinely involved with. i am proud of myself and love myself for that.

and just to wrap up, but i am actually even skilled in most of the things that, as a child, i dreamed of becoming - i may not be a full renaissance man but i am dangerously close to becoming an artistic jack of all trades. as a child that was my ultimate dream and im realizing that this whole time i never gave that up. im proud of myself for my creativity. i love my creative self, they're so fucking fun, their ideas are fun, they can come up with GREAT concepts that a lot of people are interested in and that's impressive and good.

im sure i could find a 5th one and complete the list, and it's probably dangling in front of my nose, and ideally im supposed to have 10, but these are just 4 things that i found out that i genuinely loved myself for.

and that's the kind of thinking you need to start with to get better. that's how you build self esteem. that's how you start finding REASONS to do actions that genuinely are self love - like organizing your life, getting that new job, moving out, going back to college, going to therapy.

recovery.... isn't about sitting there and saying "i'm suffering" and calling it a day. it's about looking at YOU -- YOU ON THE INSIDE -- and saying softly and caringly that you LOVE yourself. even if you hurt yourself or attempted to end yourself in the past, it's about forgiving yourself and saying "i love myself and i love who i am and i love myself so much that dying is not what i want. i don't want to hurt myself anymore. i don't deserve it! i deserve to be loved by myself! and that's because *I* love myself!"

that's what i learned and that's what i intend on thinking about for a long time until it isn't even a question of whether i do or not. it's that i do love myself - and for me? honestly? i probably love myself a lot more unconditionally than i am aware of because of how many days and nights i decided to CHOOSE to stay alive. how many crises i ended with reaching out for help. how many times i calmed myself down and used coping skills. that was a lot of times and it lead to me being alive to write this and come to this conclusion. so really obviously, i love myself. I love myself! I am deserving of my own intense self love!!!!

[indigo-starcatcher]

Don't read if you don't feel up to it; just a long vent about how I've been.

My mind has been overloaded with a million racing thoughts and opinions lately. I think this is what happens when our mindsets rapidly grow or mature, but I don’t really know so I suppose I’ll just... dump my mind here. Keep scrolling if you’re not up to a big, long vent session from yours truly.

I’m in art school, and despite everyone advising me to not focus in on one career path/goal/corporation to work for, I’ve done just that. They’ll remain nameless. And I don’t think people realize how absolutely tough art school is. I honestly can’t think of a more competitive field. Because honestly, it’s all talent. You can go in to other fields, for example the medical field, and the person next to me gunning for the same career can learn the same information. There may be different jobs for that degree, and yes there is competition still that I don’t deny, but you get my point; it’s there for all of us in black and white. With art, there are so many outlets and so many different styles and facets. It’s super easy to get bogged down and if I’m being honest I’m bogged down 100% of the time. It’s not always as prevalent; some days are better than others, like anything else. But when you see the work of others who are farther than you/at the top/where you’re EXPECTED to be in a few years time, it’s extremely intimidating, even if you can see yourself visibly improving. Ill put it this way. Have you ever been in a dream, and you simultaneously see yourself running ahead of you, out of body, while still feeling disconnected from yourself, like you aren’t (AND ARE NEVER GOING TO) go anywhere? That’s how I’ve felt since trying to become an artist. And yes, I understand that I’m still in school and that this place is for learning; I’ve never denied that I am still, and will forever be in, the process of learning but.. what if I never stop feeling this way? What if I can never catch up to myself and become what I’m supposed to? I feel as if when you think of top Illustrators, or even good illustrators, in my year.. I wouldn’t be thought of. I can think of a few off the top of my head that most would agree with being the “best” of our class. Which! Also some would argue “there can’t be the best, because styles differ”. I think that’s false. Technique, consistency, and rules of composition all come into play with any kind of illustration – they can be measured across any style. That is how you know who is the best, regardless. Long story short, I feel like my dream is so, SO far out of reach. It also doesn’t help that teachers reinforce the idea that we won’t get our dream jobs. Which, I get. There’s rejection in life and you can’t always get what you want. But you also can.

In regards to (TW: EATING DISORDERS). I think that people think that because you’re not actively acting upon an eating disorder that you’re magically cured and that its gone and everything is a-okay again. No, that is not how eating disorders and dysmorphia work. I will never, ever be able to rid my brain of this. I say this with absolute confidence, and it’s not for lack of trying. I’ve been thru a lot of different stages with my body; heavy, thin, muscular. No matter where I am, I’m never truly happy. I see the cellulite, the dimples. I check how far my stomach pokes out every morning compared to when I go to sleep at night. When I lay down, I – out of habit – run my hands over my ribcage to see if I can still feel that tiny divot in between my two rib cages. I run my hands over my hipbones to make sure I can still feel them. And while I don’t feel that I should physically look like a skeleton, they’re my measuring points; not so much for gaining real weight, but if I’ve eaten too much in a day, I wont feel my ribs. No good. Eat less tomorrow. Look in the mirror. Check your calves. Your thighs. Your stomach. The little spot that connects your underarms to your pectorals. They’re getting fatty. If I get fit? I feel like I can eat and eat and eat. I gain the weight back. Cant eat as much. Cut down to low calories? Doesn’t work. As a result I ate, and ate too much that day? Hmm, the toilet and my fingers look pretty inviting. But I can’t. But boy do I think about it. It’ll never. Ever. Go away. If its not acted upon in a destructive way, its ingrained in negative little ticks and habits that will always be there. No matter how thin or fit I am. My brain is a parasite and my body is its host.

On a? More positive note? As far as other humans are concerned, I’ve lost a lot of people that I thought would be around forever (this gets better, I promise). Both in the physical sense, and relationship sense. It used to absolutely tear me apart when someone that I thought was my best friend would leave me. I’d go into a deep depression for months, wondering what I did to drive them away. At this point in my life, having experienced the worst possible death I can imagine (thus far; I know there are/will be much worse to come) I’ve realized that with those around me who are still alive, I cannot be bothered by pettiness or bullshitting around opinions anymore. I don’t have time to sugarcoat my opinions. I know what you’re thinking; I’m not a very tolerant person. This is not in regards to acceptance of others or anything like that, so don’t misread me. I simply mean that I’m learning to stand up for myself. Put my foot down. Tell people how it is in regards to fairness and what’s okay/what isn’t. I didn’t used to do that, and I’m proud of myself. I see what others deserve and if they aren’t getting it, good or bad, I tell them. I see what /I/ deserve, and dammit, I know that I don’t think very highly of myself. But I know that I deserve good things, and I will not let people just treat me like a temporary decoration on their shelves anymore.

For THIS much, I am proud of me. I just hope for the other parts of me to improve. Hopefully a little bit?

[risk-it-biscuit-blog]

Marrakesh, Morocco

       Marrakesh was one of the places I had on my list to visit before I even stepped foot in France. In my senior year of high school I presented the topic of Moroccan Zellige which is consists of all the tile patterns decorating nearly every surface in Marrakesh and other Moroccan cities. I needed to see this art in person! So, a few weeks ago I planned a trip to Marrakesh with my host sister, Li Fang. She is from Taiwan which means that although her passport says “Republic of China”, she does not consider herself Chinese. To enter Morocco she required a visa. Papers and papers of documentation later, we were ready to go! Our plane landed and instead of walking through a tunnel they invited us to descend the staircase right to the ground. I immediately soaked up the warm Moroccan sun I’d been dreaming of.

        I read a ton on Morocco before I arrived so I was well-prepared to bargain for anything and everything. We asked for a taxi and they said it would be 250 dirhams which is equivalent to about 25 euros. I demanded for 50 dh but we eventually settled for 100 dh (10 euros). Our hostel was in the jumble that is the Medina where cars are forbidden. The second we hopped out of the taxi, driven by a man who claimed we walk straight for 100 meters to get to the hostel, another man approached us saying he knew exactly where our hostel was located and would show us the way. Even though I knew in the back of my head that he would demand money the moment we arrived, I had no choice! How was I supposed to navigate to our hostel in a town that I’d never seen before and that even google maps has trouble plotting on a map? We followed the man through twists and turns, definitely not simple as the taxi driver communicated. But that was Morocco. Nearly everyone will say anything to get money out of you. They will say one thing then 20 minutes later claim they never said a word along those lines. They will tell half truths. Can you really blame them? Its their job and its part of the tourism industry that I’ve become quite familiar with these past few months. We finally reached the door of the hostel and when Mohammed, our host opened the door, our navigator stretched out his hand expecting a tip. Since we had only converted enough money at the airport for the taxi ride, we literally had nothing to give him. And he didn’t want euros. So, he gave up on haggling and we were left in peace to check into our hotel and drink the complimentary sugary tea. Later our host told us that its not Moroccan tea if there isn’t lots of sugar inside. We took a tour of the colorful hostel, or “riad” as they call them in Morocco. He showed us the rooftop terrace right as the sun was setting, and that was when I really realized I was in Morocco, and how fortunate I am to discover new places whenever I please. I worked hard the last year while balancing college essays and school work to earn money for these trips, and I plan to use every penny to the fullest. We locked up our valuables and set off for a few hours in Marrakesh. Since we were only a five minute walk from the huge square called D’Jemaa el Fna we headed there first, at least we thought we were heading there. Turns out we went in the complete opposite direction. We took photos here and there, not for pleasure but to remember our way back for later! We leisurely found our way to the big square. There, stands upon stands sell juice for 1 euro but when I asked for mango juice, I swear it was only a quarter mango and the rest orange, of which they most definitely have a surplus :). Fifty people surround one or two locals telling stories, playing music, charming snakes, doing stunts and much, much, more. A little girl ran up to me and shoved a book of henna into my arms but I wouldn’t budge. She eventually relented and we kept walking. I’ve learned that you cant show vendors your fear or confusion because they can really take advantage of you and your money. You have to be confident and not show the surprise in your eyes. Many other Americans may fall for spending 300 dh on a knockoff purse claimed to be hand stitched but not this gal! We settled into a restaurant a bit away from the chaos of the square and had delicious beef skewers, a traditional beef tagine, and another dish which I forget the name (oops). While it was nice and warm during the day, the sun fell the temperature dropped significantly. After staying at the hot hostel in Paris, I decided to bring only shorts and a tee shirt to sleep but boy was I mistaken. Our hostel had a tarp roof to allow ventilation in the burning summer heat but during December its quite cold. So, we returned home and basically went straight to bed under the thick blankets offered to us.