#but hey. usually i feel great 2-3 days off hormones

[chaoswillcalmusdown]

woke up weird after ending birth control trial #12, had to call in sick, and thusly won't be going to the gym today after all.... 🥺

[pshcomforts]

➳ only | psh. — requested

idol!sunghoon x fem!reader

“be my only one”

synopsis: you get your period on an unexpected day, and find your boyfriend, park sunghoon, a little more annoying than usual when he comes home early from practice.

warnings/content: written in third pov. slightly angsty but more fluffy fluff! sunghoon’s down bad <3 and reader has a lot of mood swings. reader’s a little mean. not proofread (i’m sorry if it’s bad).

comments, likes, and reposts are appreciated :)

word count: 1.9k

a/n: message request. — this was a little rushed so i’m sorry if it’s not that good </3

༘˚⋆𐙚｡masterlist⋆.✧˚

current song playing: only by leehi

↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

1:40 ─────────|────────── -2:19

“are you kidding me?” y/n annoyingly huffed at the sight in front of her.

her stomach furiously grumbled as she sighed and reached for a pad in the cabinet drawer.

“i actually started.., great!” she sarcastically beamed with an eye roll to herself, ignoring the small amount of pads left.

a quick change of undergarments was made in the bathroom, making her feel ever so slightly better about starting her period.

the girl left the bathroom and almost instantly, was hit with a mound of cramps. her hands quickly clenched onto her abdomen, face scrunching in pain while trying to find some sort of pain killer.

swiftly, she downed the pills as if her life depended on it, all while getting a text notification in the process. her head peeked over and found her boyfriend’s messages.

hoonie 🫂:

Hey gorgeous, you there?

Text me back, I’m bored at practice ㅋㅋㅋ

a slight eye roll was taken from y/n, and she was sure she could blame her period for it, but she was annoyed for no reason.

she did feel bad for feeling this way because sunghoon didn’t even do anything wrong but, the girl just started, could you blame her?

she softly grumbled out a sigh, responding to not make him worry.

after sending a message, she shut her phone off, pouting in defeat of the discomfort that took over her body.

“maybe a nap will help..,”

her body laid down on the couch and within seconds, she was out like a light.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

the day was ending soon, and with his busy schedule, sunghoon was still far from coming home (or so she thought).

y/n had awoken from her nap hours ago but in all, it didn’t help.

if anything, it just made her more grouchy than before; and sunghoon would have to deal with that soon.

or much sooner.

the doorknob quickly rustled as if someone was fighting it, confusing the girl on the opposing side before it creaked open to her boyfriend.

“hoonie?? why are you here?” her brows raised to depict her puzzled look, causing a light chuckle to deplete out of him.

“i just missed you, baby.” his low voice murmured out, lips curling into a hot grin.

maybe it was her hormones, but the way he played out that smile had her replay it in her head multiple times.

“didn’t you miss me?” sunghoon croaked out.

and just like that, her love for the boy disappeared.

not entirely, but her hormones pushed her to be more annoyed than gushy.

y/n shook her head, turning away instead of hugging her boyfriend who was longing for it after all day.

hoon gave a faint grin, mind almost catching onto her reasoning.

“come on, y/n, don’t leave me like that.” his hands snaked around her waist, emitting butterflies while she only shook her head.

“not right now, hoon,” she firmly mewled out.

‘so grumpy today,’ he mindlessly said in his own head.

“what’s wrong, baby?” his voice was low, sending shivers down her spine as she simply huffed out a sigh.

“i started my period, hoon. my cramps are hurting me.”

y/n didn’t hear a peep out of the boy until a soft chuckle slipped in through her ears.

“you know..,” sunghoon caught up to her, letting his hands wrap around her waist to pull her in. “i actually left practice early because my stomach was hurting. i think i might be a little sick..”

his grip attempted to tighten around her but she pushed his hands away with a small whine.

“that’s not funny hoon, i’m really in pain here.”

the girl crossed her arms with slightly furrowed brows, indicating that she wasn’t liking any of this teasing mess that she usually liked.

“gorgeous, i swear.. i’m not…,”

she watched her boyfriend clench onto his stomach with a scrunched face.

“hoonie, you better not be messing with me.” she murmured in a displeased look.

sunghoon gave a faint grin at her words. “i’m not, but maybe a little kiss will make me feel better?”

his lips puckered and he slightly leaned in, expecting an easy and simple kiss — only to hear a quiet scoff slip by his girl’s lips.

you know the feeling when you get grossed out by everything and anything when you’re on your period? yeah, y/n got that.

she quickly turnt her head, dodging the kiss.

“y/n.. come on,” sunghoon whined, pouty lips going on display again. “i need a kiss to feel better.”

she groaned out a sigh whilst looking at her handsome boyfriend. he was gorgeous, but the upset feeling still fueled her mood swings.

“don’t make fun of my cramps,” she murmured, walking away to the room with tears filling her eyes.

her emotions were out of the place because she started her period, could you blame her for tearing up?

sunghoon huffed out a sigh as he watched his girlfriend leave the scene before feeling his tummy gurgle again.

he whimpered in slight pain, holding his stomach as he slumped down on the couch.

“i really wanted that kiss,” the male cutely pouted to himself, resting in the living room to give y/n space.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

a few hours after their little spat, the girl escaped from their bedroom and into the bathroom to do a pad change — only to encounter the worst.

no more pads.

a groan escaped from her lips as her head dropped low in defeat.

sunghoon watched her leave the bathroom and walk up to him with her lips formed into a thin line, displaying her awkward smile.

“hoonie?”

“yeah, pretty girl?”

“ineedpads,” she quickly muffled out, causing a chortle to erupt out of him.

“slower, y/n, i barely understood that.” he flashed a wide grin at her, almost making her fold at his attractive feature.

“i.. need pads.”

“are you still mad at me?” hoon lightly teased, fangs shining in his charming smile.

“no… i just need pads..,” her head dropped low in shame as she tried to not let her mood swings get the best of her. “please, sunghoon.”

the boy attempted to bite back his smile at the little plead she let out, but how could he deny his girlfriend?

she was his weakness.

“come on, let’s go.”

he stood up, grasping her hands and leaving the apartment to head to the convenience store.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

arriving upon the store, y/n hurriedly ran to the hygiene section while hoon chuckled in his hidden mask and hovered hoodie, searching for various snacks.

her eyes scanned through each brand, looking for the right one before finding it.

“here it is!” she quietly beamed to herself, walking around to finally search for her boyfriend.

she soon reached the medicine aisle where sunghoon stood, a few heated pads and tasty treats loved by his girl were in his hands while looking for ibuprofen.

her heart melted at the sight. every small thing she found slightly annoying of him because of her period was gone in an instant.

she couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend.

y/n opened her mouth to call his name but figured she probably shouldn’t with his famous background of being an idol, so she walked over to him instead.

but when she found the bottle of ibuprofen in his hands already, she found herself worried and confused.

‘is he really sick?’ her concerned eyes scanned his hidden face that was still focused on the sight in front of him.

“hey,” she softly poked his forearm. “are you really sick?”

sunghoon turned to his girlfriend who was deemed bothered at his state of health.

“i’m okay, gorgeous, my stomach just kind of hurts.”

he tried to laugh it off but y/n only furrowed her brows. “why didn’t you tell me that your stomach was actually upset?”

the boy huffed out another laugh before giving a soft ruffle at her hair. “it’s okay, you were upset so i didn’t want to bother you even more.”

not letting her respond, his hands grasped onto hers to lead her towards the cashier as she quietly fumed to herself, feeling guilty.

sunghoon thanked the employee before exiting out of the store with his favorite person, finally walking home.

.　 . • ☆ . ° .• °:. *₊ ° . ☆

throughout the entire walk, y/n stayed quiet to herself, replaying how she completely dismissed his pain because of hers.

when they got to their apartment, sunghoon quietly sighed.

“okay, baby, what’s wrong?” he softly asked with the bag still in his hands.

“i’m sorry..,” she quietly peeped, turning around with her head down in shame — gaining a laugh to come from him.

“why are you sorry, y/n? you didn’t do anything.”

he approached the sad girl, lifting her head up with his hands pushing her cheeks to look at him. he found her with tears already streaming down and he couldn’t help but feel a gush of love over his heart.

“i’m sorry i didn’t take your stomach ache seriously, i don’t know why i did that..,”

sunghoon’s inner lips curled at her words. “y/n, it’s okay, you started your period, i understand.”

“shut up sunghoon! it’s not okay! and now i’m crying and i don’t know why i’m crying!” she fumed, letting her tears drop more. “and now you’re in more pain because of me!”

her hands fisted, softly hitting his shoulders out of instinct as he laughed to himself, heart warming at her little guilt.

“y/n,” he called, but she ignored him, not meeting his gaze.

a sigh left his throat as he continued, “gorgeous, can you please look at me?”

hesitantly, the girl raised her head and immediately felt his lips peck hers.

“i’m okay, okay? yes, my stomach hurts but i got medicine for a reason. i’ll be okay,” he pressed another kiss onto her nose temple, hearing her breath hitch as he grinned once more.

y/n softly pouted, pushing him away out of instinct. “i’m still sorry... so.., i’m gonna make you some rice porridge so you can feel better.”

she walked away to the kitchen, wiping her last tears before feeling his hands snake around her waist like earlier.

“you’d make me feel better, you know that?” sunghoon whispered into her ears as his height towered over hers.

“rice porridge would, actually, so sit down and wait until it’s done.”

“but i want cuddles,” he pouted, thumbs rubbing around her stomach area.

“you are sick because you get clingy when you do.”

his head dug further into her shoulders, taking in her scent he loved so much while chuckling.

“you know me so well.”

“i do, now will you please go wait on the couch? i want you to rest.”

she turned to face him, only to find the boy with his usual pouty lips.

“i want you to rest too, you know?”

he beamed an ear-to-ear grin before she playfully rolled her eyes.

“i know, hoonie, but you’re the sick one.”

“but-“

“wait on the couch until the rice porridge is done, and then we can cuddle all you want okay?” she intruded, letting him sigh in defeat.

sunghoon returned himself on the sofa, allowing his girlfriend to take care of him like she wanted.

after a few more fusses, the night eventually ended with the two concluding that hoon had gotten food poisoning.

so after connecting the dots of how, they ended up falling asleep on the furniture in each others arms — both snuggly fit as they were already feeling better in the presence of each other.

✩ ‘my only one’ ✩

★・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・★

[cam-strong]

Hey Cam! Any advice for working out when you're in Shark Week? Every time it comes around all I wanna do is curl up in bed with a hot water bottle and cake 😅😭. I'm generally able to keep up healthy eating habits (with allowances, I'm not gonna force myself to stay 100% on track when I feel like that 😅), but I completely lose any motivation to exercise, and the cramps don't help with that motivation. At the same time, I don't wanna take off a full 5-6 days off in a row every month. Any tips?

Oooo great question anon.

1st line of defense against taking a whole week off, is to have a plan and start the habit of being consistent during the non-misery weeks first. This way, you have a bit of rhythm behind you to keep you going even when you really don’t want to do it. “It’s in the plan, so I must” attitude.

If you’re already doing that, I’d say plan to lessen your expectations that week. Say, if you normally workout 4 or 5 days a week, on doom week you only commit to 2-3 days. Maybe it’s not a hard lifting session- maybe it’s literally a walk outside. You’d be surprised how that can boost your mood. Simplify what you’re asking of yourself. That way, you still get in movement that week, but it’s not so big a session that you just don’t have the energy to do it.

Personally, I get annoyed at everyone when I’m in shark week. So it helps me to take that anger and frustration out in my run or my lifting session. As for eating, I typically allow myself a bit more calories than usual, and indulge when I have a craving. This keeps me from a huge binge because if I try to over restrict myself, the emotions just take over eventually and I eat all the things because hormonal me doesn’t care about tomorrow me who will be full of regret and sadness. Lol

However, everyone is different and unique. Honestly, if your body is telling you it’s not about that life during your time of the month, maybe it’s best to just relax and recover. You don’t have to be working out every week if you don’t want to. Your workout routine should serve you. You should find enjoyment in it. If you don’t, it won’t be a sustainable routine. Find what works for you, and go for it. Hope this helps friend!

[btsslowburnfic]

BTS Reacts-Argument with their S/O- Hyung Line

BTS Angst: Argument with their S/O- Hyung line

TW: infertility

Maknae Line found here 

Jin: You sit there crying in the bathroom for the 18th time in 18 months. Every time you get your period is a reminder that you're not pregnant. A year and a half of feeling like your body had failed you and that you had failed your husband and his parents. Of course they don't feel that way, but you do. You rub your eyes and stand up. You don't even have the energy to get up and try to do anything today so you throw on some period panties and crawl back into bed.

The first few months after you and Jin started trying for a baby you shrugged it off as your body adjusting to the new hormone levels after you stopped taking the pill. But then more months went by. And more. At the year mark you made an appointment to see your doctor. She made some recommendations but told you if you two continued to have trouble you would need to see a fertility specialist. So here you were, 6 months later crying in bed and watching Netflix. The silence of your apartment amplified by the lack of baby cries and giggles. You had mentioned the specialist to Jin after you came home from the doctor. He shrugged it off. "We just get to practice more, if it happens, it happens." he kissed your forehead and then the two of you proceeded to make love, the discussion put away for another time.

You hear the door to your apartment open and close. You had forgotten Jin was coming home today from the dorm; days were running together for you lately.

"[Y/N]?" you hear him call out. "are you here?"

You close your laptop and sit it on your nightstand and pretend to be asleep. You hear his footsteps echo through the living room and office and finally, you hear the doorknob turn.

He walks over quietly and sits next to you on the edge of the bed. He gently runs his hand across your back, “Jagiya, wake up. It’s afternoon.”

You acknowledge you're awake but don’t roll over.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” he asks, his voice laced with worry.

You feel fresh tears in your eyes as you roll over to face him. “No. I’m not sick.” you whisper.

You see his face fall as he sees the sadness in your eyes. “Then what’s wrong?” he strokes your face.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” you respond quietly.

“You know you can talk to me about anything.” he runs his long fingers through your hair.

“I got my period again. Jin, I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to have a baby.” you start sobbing.

“Oh Jagiya,” he moves into bed next to you and helps you sit up so you can rest against him. “I know this is a hard day for you each month.”

“Each day is hard for me now Jin,” you sob. “Each day in this quiet apartment without a baby. Each time another one of your friend’’s wives gets pregnant even though we’ve been trying longer. I just want us to have a baby.”

“I know [y/n], me too," he says as he holds you.

You cry for several minutes like that and then reach across Jin for a Kleenex. “Jin, I think it’s time to make an appointment to see the specialist.” you say. You feel him stiffen immediately.

“We don’t need that, ” he replies icily.

“Jin, there is clearly something that needs to happen differently. We’ve been trying the same thing for 18 months. There is literally a doctor that helps people have babies.” you turn and face him, your sadness turning into anger.

“We don’t need help. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with me.” he sternly replies.

“It’s not about something being wrong Jin, it’s about doing what it takes for us to have a baby.” you can’t believe you are having this conversation. You shouldn’t have to convince your husband to go to the doctor with you.

Jin rarely gets actually angry but you can tell he is. He has turned away from you, his legs hanging off the bed.

“Well maybe if you weren’t so sad all the time you could get pregnant.” his words cut you to the core.

You snap your head to stare at him. “I swear to God Jin if you don’t unsay what you just said to me I am leaving this apartment. I have tried for 18 months to have a baby even when I used to be happy. Pretending like everything is great won’t suddenly make our eggs and sperm better.”

“If you want to see a doctor to fix what’s wrong with you, you can go ahead and make an appointment. I’m not going .” he says.

You feel your entire body fill with rage.“Fuck you Jin.” You get off the bed and go to the closet, grabbing your carry-on suitcase and you start throwing things into your bag. You walk back into the bedroom, taking underwear and socks out of your dresser.

Jin’s eyes grow wide in shock, suddenly shaken out of his angry stupor. “What are you doing?”

You walk over to the bed and look into his eyes, snatching your laptop and charging cables. “What does it look like? If my husband isn’t willing to help the two of us have a child, to make the small sacrifice of going to a doctor’s appointment with me, then what the fuck am I even doing here?” you ask rhetorically.

“No. You aren’t leaving. You stay here. I’ll go stay at the dorms if you’re angry with me.”

“No,” you counter as you start walking out to the living room. “I’m not staying in this shell of an apartment where we planned on having a family. It’s torture.” You grab your purse and put your shoes on.

Jin looks at you, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. Please, I’m so sorry.”

“Good.” you respond and walk out the door.

Part two found HERE

-------------------

Suga/Yoongi: You keep checking your phone. You had basically lit a fuse earlier and now you were just waiting for the bomb to go off. Still no messages from Yoongi. You sigh nervously and pick at your nails. Suddenly you hear the door open to the apartment. Maybe Yoongi hadn't been to his studio yet and the two of you could talk. "Hey Yoongi! I wasn't expecting you today," you get up to go see him and the second he walks around the corner you can tell that he knows. "Did you change the password to MY fucking studio?" You had practiced this conversation in your head several times since this morning when you went to see Yoongi at Big Hit. He hadn't been home in weeks. They were gone for the tour for 6 months, he saw you for an awkward week and then had gone back to the studio full time. The two of you weren't even roommates at this point, let alone boyfriend and girlfriend. He barely returned your calls or texts. You had resorted to texting Jin to ask if he was OK and he confirmed that his friend was eating and relatively well, but he was locked in his recording studio most of the time. So this morning, while he was at a meeting, you went and changed his passcode. Can't work if you can’t get into your studio. You purse your lips and prepare for the argument. “I did.” He stares at you with hatred in his eyes, his small frame shaking with rage. “Well at least you’re not dumb enough to lie about it. You are the only person, and I mean the only person who I have ever trusted enough to tell my code to and you fucking went behind my back and did that. What the fuck is wrong with you?” “I haven’t seen you in weeks. Weeks. After not seeing you for months. You hardly answer my calls or texts. You never come home. What am I supposed to do?” you plead. “I miss you so much. I love you but I don’t feel like you even exist anymore. It’s like I’m in love with a memory or a ghost.” “Yeah well, I can never fucking trust you again so I guess none of that matters now. If I wanted to see you, don’t you think I’d see you?” he throws back at you. “Wow. Really? Really? Are you serious? So you’re not here because you don’t want to see me?” “Do I look like I’m fucking joking?” he responds. You stand there for a minute, taking in Yoongi standing there. His thin legs, pale skin, and oversized clothes. Once upon a time this was the man you dreamt about spending the rest of your life with, and here you were today wondering how things had gotten so bad. You ask the question even though you don’t want to. “Do you still love me?” “Aish, don’t ask me stupid questions.” he replies looking off to the side. “Answer me Yoongi. Do you still love me?” You wait for what feels like an eternity. No response. “Ok. Cool. Great, Well, you know what? Here is your fucking password,” you grab a pen and write it down: your anniversary. “Don’t worry, the next time you come home in 2 or 6 or 10 fucking months I won’t be here.” You grab your backpack, you’ll come back for the rest of your things later, and you shove the paper into Yoongi’s chest without saying another word. You slam the door closed to your apartment leaving Yoongi alone clutching the piece of paper.

Part 2 found HERE

--------------

RM/Namjoon: 3 years. You had been secretly dating Namjoon for almost three years. And today was the day you were over it. Last night you had brought the topic up one more time. “Namjoon, when can our relationship be public? Our third anniversary is coming up. We’ve met each other’s parents and siblings. What more will it take before you’ll feel comfortable?” Namjoon looked down thoughtfully. “I just want to protect you. Between any crazy fans, the paparazzi, and social media I think it’s best if people don’t know about our relationship.” It was the same line every time. For years. Usually at this point you would drop it, but last night you weren’t about to. “Ok so when will we tell the world? 5 years? 10 years? If we had a kid together, would they also be a secret? Would they not be allowed to see you in public or walk down the street with you?” “Of course not, that’s ridiculous.” “How is it different? If we are in a committed relationship then how is it different?” you challenge him. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “It just is.” “It just is? Wow Genius IQ over here has declared it so it must be true. I am sick of feeling like we’re doing something wrong. I feel like I’m a mistress or something when I’m actually your girlfriend who has been living with you for the past 2 years.” “I don’t want to argue with you.” he says as he gets up and tries to leave the room. “I’m not done talking to you about this.” you put your hands on your hips. “Well I am done talking about this. I’m not ready and I think it’s for the best.” “Why do you get to decide?” you ask, increasingly irritated that he won’t even discuss this with you any further. He lets out a heavy sigh, “Look, I love you. I’m committed to you. We have a good life together. Why isn’t that enough?” he says. And it kind of makes sense, but you don’t like being a secret. It makes you feel awful. “Please. I knew who you were when we started dating, I can handle it. Please,” you ask, surprising even yourself at how small and sad your voice sounds. Namjoon just looks at you and goes into the bedroom leaving you alone. ------------ In your sad and angry stupor last night you drank a bottle of wine and then leaked your own photos of you and Namjoon together to a tabloid. Oops. The next afternoon you see an incoming phone call from Namjoon, take a steadying breath, and answer it. “Hey cutie, what’s up?” “Oh I think you know.” he responds angrily. “What? What’s wrong?” you feign ignorance. “I don’t know. Put my name into google and see.” he responds quickly. You do and see several of the pictures you had sent to the tabloid and lots of headlines about his dating life. “BTS RM has found lasting love. Exclusive interview to follow, ‘we’re just so happy!’ girlfriend gushes“ you roll your eyes. You had submitted the photos anonymously, there was no interview promised. “Huh” you say. “Huh? Do you think I’m stupid?” “I mean maybe sometimes but usually you’re--” He cuts you off, “Don’t do that right now. I’m not joking. I am not ok with this. I told you I did not want this to happen and you did it anyways.” You double down on your crazy, “And I told you that I wasn’t ok with us being a secret anymore. So why is what you say final, and what I want tough shit? Huh? You got your way for three years. Let me have my way for the next three. I don’t care if they rip my shitty clothes and thick thighs to shreds.” You hear silence on the line and then slow deep breath. “I am only entertaining this because I love you and because I don’t want them to have to run a break up story, but we are going to talk about this when I get home. I’m still super pissed at you.” “Roger that Mr. Kim,” you respond. “I love you too.”

------------

JHope/Hoseok: You unlock the door to your apartment. You've been working 12 hours a day six days a week while your husband, Hoseok, was on tour. You walk in and see his shoes in the foyer and a smile instantly spreads across your face. "Hoseok!?! Are you here!?" you toss your work bag down and run into the living room where you see him sitting with a sour expression on his face. You walk over and sit next to him on the couch and give him a squeeze. "I wasn't expecting you until next month! Is everything OK? I'm so happy you're home." He turns and looks at you. "Clearly you weren't expecting me since the house is a fucking mess. There's coffee cups in every room and dishes in the sink. It's disgusting." You unwrap your arms from him. It's true. There were dishes in the sink and cups everywhere. You were a messier person than him and tried hard to conform when he was home. You were going to clean on your day off. You worked 8-8 every day; there wasn't a lot of extra time. You swallowed your pride and decided to apologize. "I'm sorry baby, I know I'm messy. I was going to get it all cleaned up before you got home. I know it grosses you out. Why are you home early?" you take his hand in yours. "I came home to surprise you. We have three days in between our performances so I thought I'd come see you. I wish I hadn't now though." Honestly it would have hurt less if he slapped you in the face. You feel tears threatening to fall but you try and stay calm to salvage this time that he's come home. " Well. I'm happy to see you. Why don't you nap and I'll pick up." you say and stand up, beginning to gather the coffee mugs and cups. He sits there with an angry expression on his face. "I can't believe you just sit here and trash the apartment I bought for you. Do you just sit here all day and make more garbage?" Tears sting your eyes and you turn to face him. "What the fuck dude? The apartment is a mess because I've been working 72 hours a week for the past 4 months so my quotas will be complete and I can take off work to spend time with you when you're home. And just because you make more money than me doesn't mean I don't contribute. I have a job. I pay bills. I work. I'm sorry that the apartment isn't up to your standards sir," you angrily take the mugs to the sink and wash the dishes while fuming. He's sitting in the same spot you left him, holding his head in his hands. "Well there you go. I'll be sure to mop and polish tomorrow morning before I go to work. Now if you'll excuse me." you head back over to the door. "Where are you going?" he asks, his head snapping up. "You said that you regretted coming home to see me, so don't." you pick up your work bag and walk out.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 GOOD Things About Season Two

Oh, season two... how you hurt me so. 

Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about this game-- S2 of TWDG is my least favorite of all five games. I could probably give you a top TEN things that I hate about season two, but... while I don’t love it, I do believe that there is good to be found in it. That’s what I want to discuss today. 

I did have some help brainstorming ideas for this list, so big thanks to @pi-creates, @kaylee-wolf, @taurusicorn2400, and @daisystarss for bouncing ideas around with me! :D

5. The Lee dream sequence.

This scene is super well done. The only reason that it’s so low on the list is because I tend to forget about it due to all the bullshit surrounding it. It usually isn’t until Arvo shoots Clementine that I remember Lee’s gonna show up and make me cry. Then he leaves all too quickly, and it’s back to the Kenny/Jane bullshit train. 

But pushing aside the shitshow, I love this scene. Of course, emotions are all over the place seeing Lee again given the state he was in at the end of s1. Plus there’s something about seeing baby Clementine again after being an older version of her that gets me. 

Their talk is interesting, too, calling back to your choices about Lilly and Carley/Doug, plus discussing Duck being bit. The part that’s always stood out to me, and I’m sure everyone else, is when Clementine asks Lee why people do the things they do.

And Lee’s response is one that doesn’t just apply to s2, it applies to several characters over the course of the series: “Clem, people don't always make sense... 'Cause bad things happen to everyone. And it's hard to keep bein' yourself after they do.”

As the conversation goes on, he also says, “Well, it's not like math, Clem. Sometimes there just isn't a right answer... but part of growing up is doing what's best for the people you care about...even if sometimes...that means hurting someone else.”

“I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“...It’s not that easy.” 

Ugh, it’s so good. It ends with Lee asking what he can say to make Clementine feel better, and it really just hurts because y’know it’s not real, y’know that Clementine’s dreaming all of this and Lee’s going to go away.

Overall a powerful scene that gets me every time. 

4. Clementine walking through the snowstorm

Okay look.... I adore this scene. Everything about it. 

Like okay, we have the stupid bullshit that is Kenny and Jane being literal children in the truck, then we nearly crash. Kenny leaves to look for gas, Jane gets Clementine to drive which dumb idea Jane and she crashes. 

That part sucks, but then the actual greatness begins. Jane runs off with AJ, and Clementine’s left alone with nothing but her gun as she begins her walk through the terrible blizzard. 

It has such a sense of loneliness to it-- hearing Clementine shiver and walk around calling out for help before going silent, the song ‘It’s Out There’ that plays while the wind whips and whistles, and then seeing all the frozen walkers standing around like statues really gives you a sense that something terrible is going to happen. It’s this weird calm before the storm kind of thing that also happens to take place during a harsh snow fall? if that makes sense? 

It’s a beautiful scene but it’s also sad, y’know? Sad because once again, Clementine is all alone. She’s been through so much bullshit, and this bullshit train isn’t even at it’s final stop. She’s alone, she’s still injured from when Arvo shot her, she’s gonna freeze to death if she doesn’t keep moving, she has no idea where the fuck Kenny, Jane, and AJ are, and just... it’s a lot. 

But damn it, it’s so good. 

3. AJ is born

AJ being born is one of the best things to happen in S2, and not just because AJ is a super interesting character himself in S2 or even what his being born does for the story. 

If AJ wasn’t born here, then we wouldn’t have had him in TFS where he finally got to become this compelling character and player in the overall story. Don’t get me wrong, his birth does bring an cool aspect to S2 when you willfully ignore how the hell he’s managed to stay alive and healthy the entire time.

Not only that, but we get to see the start of Clementine’s relationship with him. It doesn’t matter what choices you pick, Clementine shows time and time again that she cares about AJ. She nearly breaks down when she believes he died in the snow before the Kenny and Jane fight, then cries again when she discovers he’s alive. 

I enjoy the big sister aspect they went with for Clementine [it definitely beats ANF’s mom nonsense] and I like the growth it shows with her relationship to Rebecca as well... even though that could’ve been written a lot smoother. Rebecca just kind of does a 180 and they blame it on pregnant hormones which.... eh, okay sure. 

For all it’s flaws, this season gave us the start of AJ and I can’t hate it for that, y’know? 

2. Carver is a pretty great antagonist

I like Carver. I think he’s a great antagonist and I really wish they hadn’t killed him off as early as they did.

I find him to be a fascinating character study, y’know? 

From the very beginning, even before we get to physically meet him, we’re told that Carver is a threat. The cabin group are running from someone, and we can easily put the pieces together that Rebecca might be pregnant with his baby rather than Alvin’s.

Then we actually get to meet him when he comes to the cabin and it’s well executed. From Sarah having a panic attack at seeing a glimpse of him through the window, to his friendly and charismatic nature, to the way he talks to Clementine and just... it’s unsettling.

He’s clever, and he knows that Clementine’s covering for the cabin group, but he’s trying to trick her into giving him info. I also hate how smug he gets when he finds the photo of Sarah, but then he just looks at her, and asks, “You have no idea who these people are, do you?” or whatever and just... something about that, y’know? 

Then his “You have a nice day,” as he leaves and you know he’s coming right back with more people, so the group has gotta go. 

Then of course comes his later scenes where he shows up with his people to the lodge, murders Walter while saying he didn’t want to do it but Kenny left him no choice, and he can possibly murder Alvin if Kenny keeps shooting which is a huge holy shit moment because of how Rebecca reacts. 

Ugh, y’know just the way Carver talks to Rebecca and is so matter-of-fact about the baby being his and how he justifies his actions. Like, we can’t forget Reggie and how Carver threw him off the roof only to turn around like “I liked Reggie, he was chill, but he was weak.”

I dunno man, it’s super well done!

I truly believe Carver could’ve gone down as the best antagonist in the series if the writers hadn’t killed him off so damn early to make more room for Kenny to become the new antagonist of the season. Ugh.

I don’t even have an issue with how he died, either. Having Kenny kill him the way he did makes sense and it’s brutal, it was just premature.

Anyway, Carver’s pretty great. One of the best parts of S2. 

1. Clementine 

I mean, are we really surprised? Clementine is what makes this game playable. She’s the best written, most consistent character [which I know is a bit iffy because we do make choices for her but ya get me] and her growth over the season is the most compelling compared to the other characters. 

Hell, of the four Clementine’s we get across the series, this Clementine is my second favorite! She’s fantastic! 

I also love how self-aware she is that her group is just a bunch of morons and she’s gotta do everything around here, but then the same group underestimates her time and time again even though she’s proven herself to be the most competent. 

And on top of that, she goes through so much bullshit. Right from the start, Christa’s still cold to her after what happened to Omid and the baby, then she gets separated from Christa and nearly drowns in a river, then she comes across a dog that attacks and nearly killing her, forcing her to fight back which kills the dog, and then when she finds some decent people, she passes out and this group thinks it’s a walker bite because their “doctor” is incompetent. They lock her up in a shed because ??? so she has to break in and steal supplies to sew up her own arm, which she does and you feel the pain of it the whole way through, BUT THEN she gets attacked by a walker and has to fight it off before the dumb dumb crew come in to help her. 

And that’s just the first part of episode one. 

It’s like the writers were like “Hey, let’s torture Clem so that we can get easy sympathy points from the audience” and then dialed it back a bit because if you look at some of the initial concepts for this season... oof.

But really, S2 in a nutshell is basically “Clementine does anything and gets punished for it.” 

However, it’s not all bad and a lot of it does make her story all the more interesting as it progresses. She goes from a young girl who needs a group to survive, to a survivor herself who is capable of taking care of herself and those she loves. 

This part pertains to my personal ending for this game-- So, by the time we reach the shit show that is the Kenny and Jane fight, I want Clementine to get as far away from both of them as fucking possible. For me, the best endings Clementine can have is to either go alone, or to go to Wellington. 

Wellington’s my personal favorite because I like the idea of Clementine being in a community with strong walls and people to help with AJ. I mean, we gotta throw out the logic when it comes to AJ surviving because in every single endings, he should be dead. 

Honestly, that’s the only thing that keeps me from shooting Kenny. Hell, in my opinion, walking off into the woods with him instead of staying at Wellington is the worst ending in the entire game-- I’d rather go with ding dong dingus Jane than stick around with Kenny, but for me, neither of those are a good conclusion to Clementine’s story and character in S2

Anyway, endings aside, Clementine is the only part of the story that doesn’t make me side eye the writers the way I do for everything else... well, I side eye them sometimes but S2 as a whole is such a mess that it takes a lot to not straight up glare at them and the amount of fuck ups they had here. 

Clementine is hands down the best part of S2.

--- Honorable Mentions

-Big brother Luke in the first couple episodes -This game does have a bunch of different endings that you can get, which is pretty neat until you realize that they mean practically nothing come ANF and they’re totally unbalanced sooo... nice try? -Uncle Pete is pretty cool -The setting of the ski resort is super nice and cozy until murder happens. -In fact, the snowy nature is visually pretty and the skyboxes are some of the best in the series. 

---

So what do you think? Do you agree with this list? What are some of your favorite parts of Season 2? Are you looking at this and asking where the Kenny entry is? Well, I’m sure if you scroll up just a wee bit, you’ll find your answer. 

Have any suggestions for future T5F’s? Feel free to send ‘em in! :D

Next week’s T5F Top 5 Character Deaths That Made Me Side-Eye the Writers 

[downwiththeficness]

A Need So Great Chapter 11

Summary: Eva Moore is assigned to work the last year of her contract with the DEA in Colombia. She just wants to get to the end of her tenure, but she keeps getting drawn further into a string of murders in the city. It isn’t long before she’s forced to face the ghosts of her past.

Word Count: ~7,100

Warnings: Smut

A/N: For the purposes of this story, Carrillo isn’t married--or, if you like, divorced. A/B/O dynamics are prevalent, and they come with their own warning. The overall rating for this story is Explicit, although not every chapter will contain adult themes.

Taglist: @dirtynerdy98 @1zashreena1 @heresathreebee @deliciouslyclassytrash @maybege @kid-from-new-zealand @clydesducktape @revolution-starter @autumnleaves1991-blog @jedi-mando @buckysalefty

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 8.5, 9, 10, 10.5, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21

Someone was banging on her door. Eva groaned and rolled out of the bed, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and trudging through her apartment to answer it. Standing on the other side was a livid Connie, a storm in her expression.

“Where the hell have you been?”

Eva stumbled back, pushed by Connie into the living room. She winced against the sunlight, thankful that Connie closed the door behind her.

“Steve says you haven’t been at work all week and you’re not answering your phone.”

That was true.  Eva had turned off the ringer on the phone when the incessant noise kept pulling her out of much needed rest during the periods when her heat wasn’t demanding she see to it.

“I’m sorry. I’ve been… indisposed.”

That was how her mother had put it, whenever she’d have to send Eva to a neighbor for a few days as her mother’s heat began. Indisposed. Like a fucking maiden in a story. A pretty word to gloss over the animal ferocity that was a heat. The truth of it was that heats were intense, frantic, primal things that served to bind together partners. The sex was a bi-product of an onslaught of bonding hormones that were assuaged by physical touch. There was nothing gentle in its nature.

Connie looked at her like she was insane, “That’s your explanation.  Jesus, Eva, I thought something had—.”

She cut off, inhaling. Eva had been working to clear out the air in the apartment as discreetly as possible, but she knew the scent remained. Connie had gone very still, and very red.

“I—I’m sorr—,” she cleared her throat, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

Eva shook her head, “I didn’t tell anyone.”

Connie’s brows drew together, “You didn’t tell anyone? Not even…” She left the sentence hanging, turning her hand over, her meaning quite clear.

“No,” Eva confirmed, “He had a mission he was doing, and I didn’t want to pull him away. Besides, its early to...do that...together.”

They’d been seeing each other maybe twelve weeks or so. And, if Eva’s hunch was correct, their innate compatibility would have resulted in a deeper intimacy than would normally happen at this stage in a relationship—at least, that’s how she understood adult relationships.  Her perception had, no doubt, been skewed a little.

Scoffing, Connie folded her arms over her chest, “You should have told him. Steve said he got back this morning. Maybe give him a call or something, let him know what happened.”

Eva rolled her eyes, “What good is it going to do now? Its over. I won’t have another for a couple of months, maybe more.”

She didn’t even fucking know her own cycle, her hormones too screwed up from her experimentation with off-use suppressants. Eva could have another heat in a month, six months, or not for a year. She only hoped that she was a little more prepared for it the next time around. The knowledge that he was back rattled around in her head. Her body buzzed at the thought that she would get to see him very soon.

Connie’s expression turned soft, “You shouldn’t have to go through it alone, Eva.”

As an alpha, herself, Connie was well aware of what Eva had just gone through.  Though Steve was a beta, he’d respond immediately to the hormonal fluctuations, ride it out with her. If she were unmarried, she may or may not be able to find a willing partner. As a woman, it could be dangerous to take on an unfamiliar partner during a heat.  If she were a man entering rut, she could potentially go to any one of the many sex workers in the area and this would be generally acceptable, if unfortunate.  A woman had no such option.

“I did okay,” Eva said, lying through her teeth.  She absolutely had not done well, and she felt like shit.

Connie eyed her, “No, you didn’t. You look like you’ve been hit by a train.”

Eva laughed, couldn’t help it, “I’m good.  I’ll be better in a few days.”

Mouth thin, Connie dropped her arms, “Listen, I think you need to talk with Horacio about this. But, do whatever you want.” She headed for the door, turning a bit, “You need anything?”

Eva shook her head, “I’m good.”

Connie sighed, pointed a finger at her, and said, “Hydrate. Lots of water.” Then, “I’m glad you’re alright.”

And then she was heading back out into the sunlight. Eva stared at the door for a little while, feeling weak.  She sat on the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest, and eyed the phone.  A phone call.  She could make a phone call, hear his voice, feel the comfort of knowing he was safe. Then, she could go back to laying around in bed until he could stop by.

Chewing on her thumbnail, she stood and stepped over to the phone, picking it up from the cradle and dialing.  It rang. It rang, and rang, and rang.  She hung up. Glancing at the clock, she figured she’d give it an hour or so before she called again.

To distract herself, she showered. The water was gorgeously hot, sweeping away the tiredness that had settled into her muscles. She dried off and wrapped a towel around herself so that she could look for something to wear. Her brain helpfully supplied that Horacio might want to see her, so she should make a little bit of an effort.  She pulled on a sundress, reaching behind her to pull up the zipper. She’d been careful with her underwear selection, choosing a soft lace hipster brief and a bra with semi sheer cups. Though they were both in a similar champagne tone, they weren’t a matching set. Eva didn’t actually own any matching sets. She didn’t have the energy to wonder what that said about her.

Barefoot, she padded back to the living room, running her fingers through her hair. She opened the fridge and looked at the contents, her stomach turning.  She wouldn’t be able to eat anything more than bland foods for a while, her body still flushing out the hormones. Closing the fridge, she returned to the living and sat on the couch, sulking.

It was late afternoon, the sun starting to head down towards the horizon. He’d gotten back that morning, but she hadn’t heard from him. Eva chided herself. He was a busy man, in charge of an entire unit of police. He was probably tying up the loose ends of his mission. Doing paperwork. Normal job duties. Still, she couldn’t help that little bit of anxiety that bubbled up beneath her logical explanations.

“Its the hormones, Eva,” she said to herself. “Its just the hormones.”

She lasted the hour and allowed herself another phone call. No answer. Eva huffed, thinking. She was going to drive herself crazy if she kept doing this. Grabbing her purse, she dug through it for her keys. What she found was the lighter he’d given her in the bar.  She’d dropped it into her purse for safe keeping all those weeks ago and it had fallen down into the depths of the bag.

Eva turned it over in her hands. It was a plain silver, heavily weighted, no inscription or decoration. She flipped open the top and spun the flint, the flame igniting easily. Closing the lighter, Eva slipped it into the pocket of her dress, patting it.

Keys in hand, she drove down to the restaurant that he’d taken her to when they’d had lunch. In stilted Spanish, she ordered a few of their recommended items, smiling wide when they handed her a bag stuffed full.  

When she was back in her car, Eva sat at the wheel and wondered if what she was doing was appropriate. The boundaries of their relationship weren’t clearly defined. But, he’d always seemed happy to see her when she dropped by, always seemed to welcome her presence.  This was no different.  Eva nodded to no one in particular.  She would drop in, deliver the food, let him know that she was glad he was back, and leave.  Short. Sweet. Simple.

Decision made, Eva headed for the station. The walk up to his office was quiet, most of the officers having left for the evening. Her sandals whispered over the tile floor as she navigated around the bullpen of desks towards his office door.  When she leaned in, he wasn’t there. Eva smothered the disappointment.

Sighing, she swung the bag from her arm to the opposite hand, moving to set it on his desk. Nimble fingers plucked a pen from where it lay atop a pile of folders.

“Sticky note...sticky note,” she murmured, looking for something to write on.

The scuff of a shoe behind her startled Eva from her search, she spun around, brows lifted in surprised.

“Hey,” she breathed.

Horacio stood in the doorway, hair wet and brushed back from his face, a bundle of clothes in his hands. His gaze was focused, intense, sweeping over her in such a way that she could tell he was noting every detail. She stilled, the smile on her mouth dropping a little as she waited, breath held.

“Hi,” he said finally. There was an odd note in his tone, a slowness to the one word sentence that usually wasn’t there.

Exhaling, Eva gestured to the bag of food on his desk, “I brought you something to eat. I figured you’d only been eating MREs for the last week and you might like some real food.”

His eyes flicked down to the bag and then back up again. Moving slowly, he set the bundle of clothing on a table near the door and stepped into the room. Back to her, he closed the door, hand lingering on the handle. When he turned back to her, he fixed her with that same focused look and Eva’s spine straightened underneath the weight of it.

Head canted down, he walked towards her. Every muscle in Eva’s body froze as she eyed him. He moved leisurely, a relaxed saunter, but there was darkness in his eyes that she had only very rarely glimpsed. Lips parted, her thoughts muddied in her head. She couldn’t move if she tried.

When he reached her, his arms wrapped around her middle, hauling her up against his chest in a fierce embrace. Reflexively, Eva cradled him to her, arms rising to his shoulders. Pushing his face into her neck, Horacio nosed along her skin until he reached her scent gland. His next inhale was deep, intentional.

Gasping, Eva’s head fell back, her body leaning into him. He held her weight easily, crowding her until they were pressed together from chest to knee.  

“I missed you,” he murmured into her skin.

Eva’s eyes closed tightly, relief flooding out from her heart into her veins. She inhaled, trying to center herself. His scent was rolling over her, alternatively calming and exciting.

“I missed you, too.”

He pulled back a little, one hand tucking her hair behind her ear, looking at her as if he hadn’t seen her in months rather than a little over a week. Eva blushed, unable to hold his gaze. Her skin tingled where they touched, heart palpitating in her chest. She felt like she had the first time she’d scented him, a bundle of vibrating nerves that grabbed and pulled her into his orbit, holding her there.

“How did the mission go? Did you catch him?”

His shoulders deflated, and Eva knew she’d said the wrong thing.

“No, we didn’t. We did get a few key players, but that’s it.”

Eva traced her hands up above the collar of his uniform, thumbs finding their place at the nape of his neck. She kneaded the muscle there, please when his eyelids drooped.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, knowing how disappointed he must be about it.

He dropped his forehead to hers, “Not your fault.”

“I know, but I’m sorry all the same.”

Hands gripping her waist, thumbs rubbing over her belly, he closed his eyes. She continued to press her hands into his neck, fingers spanning out beneath the collar of his shirt to get at that tense shoulder muscles. He let out a soft groan when she hit a particularly tight spot.

“I want to kiss you,” he said softly. “Can I?”

Eva smiled, “Yes.”

Leaning down, he pressed just the tiniest kiss to her mouth, lifting up a fraction of an inch before diving back down to kiss her properly. She opened for him, hands pausing at his shoulders as she lost focus. He kissed her deeply, arms pulling her so tightly to his body that she had to rock up onto her toes to keep balance.

The first taste of him after so long without was a shock to Eva’s system, everything inside her lighting up into bright, incandescent fire. It was then that she knew coming here may have been a mistake. She thought the heat was over—she was sure of it. But, the lingering hormones in her body rushed to her brain, sending sizzling signals to her core. It was not a heat, but the echo of the one she’d just gone through, a ricochet that hit her right in the chest.

Breaking the kiss, he took a step back, pulling her with him, “I want to touch you.”

She followed him closely, until he was sitting on the couch at the far end of his office, pulling her into his lap. He looked at her, waiting for her answer.

“Yes.”

Legs on either side of his hips, Eva carded her fingers through his damp hair, kissing him fervently. True to his wishes, his hands moved over her,  fingers curling over her skin, grabbing handfuls of her thighs and hips. He pushed his hands beneath the fabric of her sundress, rucking up the fabric. The cut of the dress caught on his wrists, restricting his movement, the pads of his fingers stopping short of her breasts. With a frustrated growl, he reached behind her and yanked on the zipper, pulling the dress down.

Without skipping a beat, he cupped her breasts, running his thumbs over her nipples through the sheer fabric. He kissed down her neck, pulling down the cup of her bra, mouth sucking at her skin until he drew her nipple between his teeth, biting down ever so slightly. Eva moaned, a high pitched thing that caught in her throat.

She’d been waiting all week for this, had been fantasizing about having him back with her while she worked to get off. The reality of feeling him hard beneath her, hips rolling upwards, was so much better than she could have imagined.  His scent wafted around her, clean and fresh from the shower.

Releasing her nipple with an obscenely wet sound, Horacio placed an open mouthed kiss against her neck before shoving his nose against her and inhaling lewdly.

“Smell so good,” he ground out, fingers gripping tight.

Eva could only nod. She knew what he meant. After a week without him, she wanted to drown herself in his scent. Tobacco and vetiver. Her mouth salivated just breathing him in. Needing to taste as much as she needed to touch him, she leaned down and licked a hot stripe up his neck until she got to the scent gland behind his ear. It was feverish to the touch, a little swollen, and radiating the smell that had and would continue to haunt her fantasies for the rest of her life. Lips open, she encircled it, sucking hard.

The sound he made was as feral as it was pathetic, his hips snapped up, grinding into her forcefully. She whined, lifting to try to keep hold of him, tongue swirling. Fingers in her hair, he pulled her away, her scalp stinging. She groaned, mouth open.

He shushed her, “Have to be quiet, Eva. There’s still others here.” He kissed her, a sly smile on his mouth, “Do you want me to stop?”

She shook her head wildly, hair falling over her bare shoulders. He looked up at her, eyes bright, skin flushed—looking for all the world like he was awed by her.

“I want to be inside you,” his tone was urgent, tongue coming out to wet his lips.

“Yes,” she answered him, her voice cracking.

Pulling her close, he kissed her, hands sliding up her thighs. She met him eagerly, hands fisting in his shirt.  He nipped at her, hand moving to work at his belt, fingers pulling at the zipper and pushing his pants down just enough to free his erection. Fuck, but she missed looking at it. The toy she’d used as a substitute wasn’t nearly as thick as he was, and her body clenched at how she knew he would stretch her wide, fuck her open in the most delicious way.

Impatient, Eva rose up on her knees, using one hand to pull her panties to the side and the other to line him up and sink onto him. If she hadn’t been fucking herself through a heat over the last week, it might have taken the usual two or three thrusts to drop all the way down. Instead, she slid over him smoothly, her body welcoming him enthusiastically.

He gasped, surprise written all over his face before his jaw clenched and he grabbed her hips to hold her steady. Eva threw her head back, biting her lip to keep the wail that wanted to escape at bay.

“Fuck,” he breathed, looking down at where they were joined. Reaching up, he pulled her to him for a kiss, saying against her mouth, “I thought about you every day. Woke up hard for you. Couldn’t even get myself off because there was no fucking privacy.”

The image of him laying in a tent somewhere, aroused and unable to do anything about it was titillating. Then came the image of him stroking off to the thought of her, his fist flying over his cock. Eva felt like she couldn’t catch her breath, the need to come pushing its way to the forefront of her mind. She shifted her hips, trying to catch a rhythm that she knew would send them both into a frenzy. He met her, the muscles of his arms and chest bulging as he helped her thrust down on him.

“I want—,” Horacio’s lips pressed together, cutting off the sentence.

Eva cupped his jaw, forcing him to look at her, “What do you want?”

Everything inside her wanted to give him whatever it was that he wouldn’t let himself have. The man denied himself so much, controlled everything about his life to the minutest detail. If he needed, she would provide.

“I want,” he started again, pausing. He buried his head against her neck and she could feel him fighting to keep the words down.

Leaning back, she forced him to look at her. There was an openness to his expression that gave her pause, an almost pleading in the tone of the sounds coming from him. She ran her thumb over his cheekbone.

“Tell me what you want,” she whispered, kissing him softly, “Tell me.”

His eyes closed as he said, “I want to come inside you.”

Liquid fire coursed through her, a wild feeling that reverberated around until she shook with it. Eva felt her body respond in a primal reaction, her hips swiveling down on him as if to coax the orgasm from him immediately.

“Yes, alpha,” she moaned, the words out of her mouth before she could catch them.

Eyes flying open, he hauled her to him, holding her immobile. Eva squirmed, incensed that she couldn’t keep grasping at the tendrils of pleasure that she needed. His arms tightened further, until she was sure she would burst from the pressure.

“Say it again,” he demanded through clenched teeth.

“Yes, alpha,” she gasped, pulling at his shirt, trying and failing to gain any leverage, “Please, alpha.”

Snarling, his torso rotated and she fell heavily on the couch cushions. Horacio crawled over her, pushing his hands under her dress to yank off her panties, dropping them to the side. He braced a foot on the floor, dropping his hips and shoving into her again.

Mouth at her ear, he let out a string of filth, telling her how good she felt, how tight and hot she was. His hands held her still as his hips slapped against her, the wet sound of his cock pushing up into her loud in the quiet room. Eva held on as best she could, burying her face into his neck to quell the sounds that she couldn’t keep inside. He reached up and gripped the arm of the couch, using it to gain leverage.

His pace was hard and fast, and exactly what she needed. Eva felt her body bear down on him, tightening as she neared release.

“You gonna come on me,” he asked hoarsely, “Gonna soak my cock with your come, omega?”

The use of her designation caused her eyes to roll back, the sweet, lancing pain of her orgasm rocketing through her as she laid there, unable to do anything but bite down on his shoulder to stop herself from screaming.

“Sweet fucking omega,” he growled, pace picking up until she could feel him pulsing inside.

He held himself against her, hips grinding for several long moments, until his body relaxed. Breathing hard, he let his weight fall atop her briefly, nosing against her neck, licking at the sweat that had pooled there.

With effort, he pulled out, his eyes falling to her folds. There was that focused gaze again, his lips pulling between his teeth. She could feel their combined orgasms leaking out of her slowly and she had to resist the urge to close her legs at the thought of what he was seeing. Lifting onto one palm, Horacio ran two fingers up her slit, gathering the wetness and pushing it back inside.  Still sensitive, Eva drew in a shaky breath, her hand grabbing at the forearm near her head.

He stirred his fingers inside her a few times before pulling them out, bringing them to his mouth and sucking them clean. Eva’s jaw dropped as she watched him, her core pulsing at the sight.

After tucking himself back into his pants and setting his clothing back into place, he carefully helped her to dress. He laid down a kiss on each patch of skin before he covered it again, a softness to his touch that had not been there a few minutes previous. Kneeling, he reached for where he’d dropped her panties, his free hand pushing open her thighs.

His gaze lingered over her, eyes dark. Then, with little warning, he dove down and gave her a long, hot lick. Groaning, he leaned into her, nose pressed against her curls, mouth sucking at her clit. Eva hissed, her body curling over him. He swirled his tongue over her, a helpless little moan catching at the back of his throat. His hands tightened on her thighs, her panties hanging from where they’d caught on his pinky.

Eva gripped his shoulders, giving a pouting little huff when he pulled away suddenly. Panting he squeezed his eyes shut and Eva watched as one hand fell to his lap, palming at the erection that was growing behind his fly. He looked up at her, a kind of desperate surprise in his eyes. Eva grasped the hand on her thigh, soothing.

He rose, her panties still gripped in his hand, and paced away towards his desk. Eva brought her knees together self-consciously, not sure what was happening.

“Did you mean it?”

His back was to her, he ran a hand over his hair, fingers tucking her panties into his pocket. She knew without asking what he was getting at. She’d called him ‘alpha’, had acknowledged him as such. For an omega to make that kind of declaration was serious. Serious, and dangerous. It was a thing that existed in the space between marking and bonding, a deeply intimate gesture. That left the question: Did she mean it? She’d never wanted to invoke it before, the recognition of an alpha had terrified her in the past. Now, the thought was seductive.

Eva took a breath, steeling herself against the urge to protect herself at all costs, “Yes.”

He visibly tensed, still looking at the far wall. Then, he circled his desk and opened the middle drawer, pulling out a key. Stepping determinedly, he returned to her side, sitting next to her on the couch. He put the key in her hand. His tone was firm when he spoke.

“This is the spare key to my house. I’ve got some things I need to wrap up here, but when I come home, I want to find you in my bed—naked.”

Eva stared at him, feeling heat rise in her cheeks. He curled a finger beneath her chin, kissing her lightly. Dropping that hand to her thigh, he traced up the inside of it lightly.

“This is mine tonight, do you understand?” He asked as he circled her opening.

She nodded, resisting the urge to slot her hand on his and push his thick digits inside. He kept circling, breath fanning over her cheeks, his free arm coming up around her waist to hold her to him.

“Can I…?” she started, her words cut off as he threaded two fingers into her folds, rubbing at the hidden legs of her clit on either side.

He hummed in question, eyes trained on where he was playing with her.

She swallowed dryly and tried again, “Can I get my overnight bag from the apartment?”

One side of his mouth lifted, “What would you do if I said no?”

Eva blinked, shifting on the cushion as he applied just a little more pressure, “I wouldn’t go get it.”

Looking up at her from beneath his lashes, clearly pleased, he kissed her temple. The hand between her legs pulled away, grasping her skirt and settling it down over her knees.  It took everything in Eva to keep from begging for him to keep going, her core throbbing.

“Go get your bag,” he said as he stood, helping her to rise with him. Then, he walked her to the door of his office, pausing in the threshold. “I’ll be home soon.”

The walk to her car, the drive to her apartment, and then to his house was a blur, her mind foggy with arousal. Eva was standing at the door to his house before she knew it, the key in the lock. Swallowing, she turned it and stepped inside.

The house, like it always did, smelled like him. Eva took a deep breath, moving through the living room and down the hall to the bedroom where she dropped her bag.  The bed was made, the closet door closed, the blinds drawn. One of his jackets was thrown over an armchair to the right of the bed, the clock on his nightstand read seven pm.

Dropping her overnight bag next to the dresser, Eva sat on the bed, leaning down to pull off her sandals.  Absently, she felt the lighter still sitting heavily in her pocket. Pulling it out, she set it carefully on the nightstand.

She didn’t know how long she had, but she felt the need to make herself as presentable as possible.  The frantic searching for the things she needed to pack in her apartment, the drive over, not to mention the exertion in his office...Eva could smell the sweat on her skin.

Rising, she peeled off the sundress and stepped into the bathroom.  Showering quickly, she toweled off and returned to the bedroom. She should maybe eat something. Still naked, Eva went to the kitchen and looked through the cabinets until she found a box of crackers.  She ate as many as she could stomach, which was, admittedly, not a lot.  Washing it down with a glass of water, Eva stood at the sink and tried to figure out if she needed to do anything else.  He hadn’t given her any other directives. Bed. Naked. That was it.  

Filling the cup again, Eva leaned against the counter and looked at the living room through the archway. A few magazines and the TV remote sat on the table.  She could maybe try to distract herself with a late night show—no, if he found her on the couch...Eva shivered.  She wasn’t quite ready to test his limits, but the thought was intriguing enough that she filed it away to explore later.

Reaching over, she flicked off the lights, heading back to the bedroom.  She’d settled on getting rest. There had been promise in his voice when he’d told her he would be home soon. Eva needed to have the energy to rise to the occasion.

Sleep came easily, ensconced as she was in his sheets, in his scent. Dreamless, she snuggled deeply into the comforter. As solid as her sleep was, Eva could be forgiven for taking a minute to come back to consciousness.

Horacio was sitting beside her on the bed, hand on the dip of her waist. He’d pulled the sheet and comforter off her, the bulk piled at the end of the bed.

“I should have you here more often,” he said.

Eva smiled, “You usually want to go back to my place.”

He hummed, leaning down to pick up a plastic bag from where it sat at his feet. He reached in and tossed a box onto the nightstand. Eva would have giggled if her insides hadn’t twisted in anticipation. He’d gone to the drug store on his way back from the station. If there was any confusion about his intentions with her, they were now clear as fucking day.

Dropping the bag to the side, he worked the buckle of his watch loose, setting it on the nightstand. She watching him notice the lighter, his hand covering it for half a second. Then, he moved to his belt, sliding it through the loops of his uniform and rolling it into a neat spiral.  Next came his button up, thrown onto the armchair. His undershirt, too.  He paused over his pants, debating. Then, his thumb flicked open the fly and he pushed them down. Eva noted that he must have removed his shoes and socks before he sat down.  They were laying neatly by the door.

Leaving his boxer briefs on, he moved to the end of the bed, looking down its length at her. Eva rolled to her back, arms over her stomach as she waited. He looked at her a while, eyes narrow.

“Open your legs.”

She did.

“Wider.”

Leaning down, he grasped her ankle, thumb pressing into her Achilles heel. First one knee, then the other pressed into the mattress as he crawled up and over her, hands trailing alongside. The breadth of his chest pushed her thighs open further. Face against the soft swell of her belly, he breathed in.

The fingers on her hips curled, he looked up at her, displeased, “You showered.”

Eva bit her lip, nodding.

“Why?”

She shrugged, “I wanted to…” she searched for the words, “be presentable.”

A soft chuckle left his lips. Eva felt her cheeks heat in embarrassment. She looked away, trying to think of what to say.

Moving up her body, he grasped her chin, trying to catch her gaze, “No, no, I’m not making fun of you. I just—don’t pout—I just think its cute that you think I’m going to find you anything but irresistible.”

Eva rolled her eyes, “I was a mess.”

His brows quirked and he hummed a little, “A mess that I made.”

She absolutely had no response to that, her mouth open in shock. He clocked it, smiled wide enough that she could see his dimples, and leaned down to kiss her. He slipped his tongue into her mouth, moaning. Eva grasped his sides as he kicked up the intensity, his hands in her hair.

“I need to tell you,” he gasped against her mouth, “While I can still think—fuck—while I’m still sane. You know what this is?”

Eva stared up at him, trying to make sense of his words, her mind already beginning to fog over with arousal. Pulling away, he grabbed her wrist and shoved it between them, laying her palm over his erection.

“Feel that?”

Eva groaned, eyes closing, as she tried to give him a firm pull. His grip tightened, his free hand cupping her cheek to get her attention.

“Feel, Eva.”

At the base of his cock there was a swelling, a little ring of flesh that was only about a quarter the size of what it would be fully engorged. Eva’s hand froze, her eyes flying to his face.

He looked down at her, all serious, “If you don’t want this, you need to tell me.  I’ll get up and I’ll go, but you need to tell me right now.”

As if to illustrate his point, he rose up on his hands and knees, his body trembling above her. Eva looked him over, looked at the scars she’d traced in the lazy intervals between kisses, looked at the arms that had held her, supported her, looked at the dark eyes that were begging her to choose quickly.

With deliberate slowness, Eva tucked her hand into his briefs and palmed him, sliding down to the base and squeezing the barely formed knot. He hissed, back bowing, eyes squeezed tightly shut. When he opened them again, they were as focused as they had been in his office.

Quick, sure movements hand her wrists in his hands, sinking into the mattress on either side of her head. He mouthed along her collarbone, dropping his hips into the cradle of her thighs, knees pushing outwards to spread her wide.

The ascent upwards was fast, frenzied, his hips twisting against her. The friction felt amazing on her already sensitized skin. He rocked against her, tasting her skin. Pinned down as she was, Eva could only hike her legs up high on his waist, using the little bit of leverage to grind against him.

“Inside,” she rasped, trying to arch deeper into every thrust.

Horacio shook his head, breathing hard, “This one is for you. I don’t know that...I won’t be able to make sure you’re, shit, taken care of after I…”

Eva took his meaning.  He was nearly in rut, a frenetic sexual energy coursing through him that would not be stopped once it started.  An alpha male in rut wouldn’t knot fully, but the partial swelling was enough to drive them to fuck until it had emptied—with a partner or without.

Feeling her body respond to that knowledge, Eva threw her head back, her thighs burning. She’d soaked through the front of his briefs, could feel even more slick dripping out of her as she climbed higher towards orgasm. A choked gasp caught in her throat, her body clenching down on nothing, spasming beneath the heavy weight of him.

“So good for me,” he praised, kissing her cheek chastely.

Eva sighed, muscles limp as he lifted off her and reached over to open the box of condoms, pulling apart the foil packet and rolling it on. After kicking off his underwear, he settled back between her thighs, lifting one leg up and over his hip. He pushed inside slowly, grunting as she pulsed around him. As he bottomed out, his eyes rolled back, the little swell of his knot settling against her folds.

There was a pause, a breath that held stagnant between them for only a second or so, and then he was pumping into her at an ever increasing pace. Eva teeth clacked together when he gave a particularly hard thrust, knocking against her cervix, grinding down.

All at once she was reminded of that first conversation they’d had following their first night together—how he’d worried about having hurt her. She had a feeling this was why. Eva had known he was strong, could feel it every time they touched.  She’d seen him fight, knock a guy unconscious. She’d felt him lift her with seemingly no effort.  All of that could not prepare her for the unbridled force with which he was currently fucking up into her.

His skin slapped against her, cock thrusting against her walls, hitting her g spot regularly enough that she felt another orgasm begin to rise. He wrapped both arms around her, holding her to his chest, face in her neck. It cost him in leverage, his knees digging into the mattress for purchase. But, he didn’t seem keen to let her go.

Eva hugged him to her, one hand in his hair, the other tracing down the length of his spine.  She could not quell the whimpers falling from her lips, could not stop her ankles from locking together at the small of his back, urging him on. She definitely could not stop her cunt from fluttering around him.

He groaned into her neck, hips stuttering. Cursing, his body slowed, lungs drawing deep breaths. Eva sighed as he rolled off her, her hands falling on either side of her body. She turned to her side, stretching her legs out, toes pointed.

Horacio returned to her, having dealt with the condom. He touched her shoulder, sliding up behind and slotting his leg between hers.

“You good?” He asked, voice rough.

Eva nodded, laying her hand over the arm around her waist. He continued to trace along her skin for a while, mouth leaving syncopated kisses all over. Soon enough, she felt him begin to harden against her ass and she tilted her hips back in invitation.

“Rest for a moment,” he said, his hand tracing up to her breast, kneading gently. He continued to dot kisses over her neck and shoulder, licking here and there.

He petted her for a long while, occasionally reaching down to slide his fingers over her pussy, rubbing light circles over her clit. All the while, sweat began for form over his arm and along his chest where they were pressed together. It wasn’t long before he was reaching for another condom and rolling Eva to her back, pushing into her.

The sound she made was not feminine or pretty. It exploded from her throat, a needy, guttural thing. As before, his pace was quick and hard. Eva gripped the pillow beneath her head, jaw unhinged as she tried to keep up. Too soon, her tired body was giving up, her legs falling wide as she simply took what he was giving her.

Horacio grasped her behind the neck, pulling her to him for a sloppy kiss.  Eva could barely breathe around the way he kept upping the intensity of how he fucked her, changing the angle, pushing inside and grinding on her, using one hand to arch her back up to him so that he could bite at her breasts. She keened, a frission running through her.

He came with a shout, his body shaking all around her, forehead dropping to her chest. She barely felt him pull out, still reeling from the electric static running rampant over her skin. Hands ran over her, lulling her as she dropped into a strange kind of sleepy place, somewhere between waking and dreaming.

When she came back to awareness, he was rolling his tongue over her pussy, one long finger dipping inside. He massaged her thighs, hanging over his shoulders. Eva moaned lowly, his name sounding as she shifted against the sheets. He sucked at her lips, thumb rubbing at her clit. From between her thighs, he watched her come apart, her head thrown back, legs shaking.

Making a sound of satisfaction, he lifted up, already reaching for another condom. With confident hands, he rolled her to her stomach, laying down atop her, pushing his cock into her in a smooth, firm stroke. The sound he made against her shoulder was obscene, a desperate, needy thing that dropped down into his chest.

He gave her a few slow, controlled thrusts before his body took over. The way he straddled her thighs, pushing them together around him, the weight of his body keeping her immobile—it built around her, feeding into something deeply held, something she didn’t know existed in her.  She liked that she couldn’t move. She liked that he could, in that moment, do whatever the fuck he wanted with her.

Whining against the pillow, Eva felt herself say things she had never let herself say before. Things like: Yes, hold me down and More, alpha, give me more. Fuck me harder, please. Her words seemed to spark even more of a fire in him. He lifted back to sit on his heels, pulling her with him until she was sitting astride his thighs with her back to his chest, speared on his cock.

At this angle, he could grind the promise of his knot against her. One arm crossed over her chest to hold her steady, the other reaching down between her legs, he strained against her. Eva grasped futilely at his hips, his thighs, not exactly sure what she was trying to do but she needed to touch him. She needed more of him, more connection.

Mine, mine, mine, he was saying, and it took too long for Eva to recognize that he’d dropped into Spanish. Words falling out of him like water. He called her his little omega, called her beautiful, called her his.

Pushing her hair over her shoulder, he kissed underneath her jaw, licking up to her scent gland and swirling his tongue over it. Eva gasped, her nails digging into his thigh, urging him on. Grunting, his fervent kiss turned into a deep bite and she could feel the moment he broke the skin.

She screamed in pleasure, the orgasm powerful enough that her whole body shook with it. She must have passed out, because the next thing she knew, he was calling her name, shouting at her.

“’m okay,” she groaned, touching his jaw tenderly.

Eyes wild with worry, he stared at her face.  She smiled at him, giving his cheek a pat before settling down into the softness of the mattress. He made her drink the cup of water she’d brought in with her before laying down beside her and watching her carefully. His eyes drooped as he stroked her thigh. Eva leaned over and kissed him, feeling blissfully worn out.

“Thank you,” she murmured before succumbing to sleep, though those weren’t the words that echoed silently alongside it.

[theeyesinthenight]

College Tips for Neurodivergence and Chronic Illness

Hey Everyone!I just wanted to talk for a minute about the stuff that I do to make college slightly easier to get through, and ask around for if anyone else has any advice.

Physically going to class:

1. Physical Calmness: Make a small physical maintenance travel bag that you carry with you EVERYWHERE. Include things like moisturizer, chapstick, cough drops/sucking candy, nail clippers, hair ties, eye drops, pain relief meds, sunglasses- anything that you frequently need to maintain you and your body’s ability to be calm. Sensory overload frequently becomes a thing on campus, and frequently overstimming on campus can make it really hard to want to go to class every day. I carry 6 ponytails, 2 chapstick, 4 advil, 4 sucking candies, 2 tampons, emergency ear plugs and earphones, gloves, moisturizer and sunglasses every day and I swear they make the difference between wanting to run crying out of my classroom and being able to hold on some days.

2. Make Checklists: Especially if you deal with executive function issues (like me!) you can build checklists for every day, repetitive tasks as well as normal to-dos to help you manage everything at once without forgetting anything. Don’t feel obliged to make the list pretty or perfect, just keep adding and refining the lists as you notice stuff you’ve forgotten or usually do. Write lists for literally everything. There is no shame to writing everything down. That being said, if you end up scheduling your days, always leave yourself an hour or two a day and like 10-15 minutes before crucial junctures so you aren’t stressed about running late and can actually unwind sometimes.

3. Eat: Some people will have meal plans, some will cook at home and bring stuff to school, but it’s absolutely fucking critical to chemical homeostasis (especially if you do what I do and wind up in class from like 10 am to 7 pm) to plan when and what you’ll eat- either by scheduling adequate meal breaks to go buy it, or packing it ahead of time. This is when lists can help: I remember to pack my lunch and snacks every morning or prep food for consumption when I get home only because I leave it on sticky notes on my phone when I go to sleep.  Just drinking coffee nearly made me have an anxiety related melt down my freshman year before I realized that the constant feelings of a racing heart were only partially because of anxiety and were also because of the sheer amount of caffeine in my system. Eating healthy is also important, and will make you feel even better than just eating, but now is not the time to put yourself on a starvation diet just to lose 10 lbs. Eating high protein has helped some of my snacky issues as well as generally gives me more energy, and making my own mealprep at home- even my own muffins and cookies- generally are more healthy for my than what I get in the store. Fruit, cheese, lunch meat (or sliced cooked meat) and pickles or olives in endless combination work great for me as mindless snacky food, as does homemade popcorn (either in a skillet or costco bags) because it’s dirt cheap and you can put anything from seasoning salt to furikake and shredded dried pork on it. If you need help figuring out recipes, feel free to pm me! I’m good at working with nutritional and budgetary restraints. Pancakes are kind of a universal good.

4. Give yourself permission to leave: If you’re triggered, or seconds away from panic, GET UP AND LEAVE. College classes are not the same as high school classes, and most teachers are perfectly fine with you getting up to get water, or go to the bathroom, or cry in the bathroom. Try to make sure you go back to class most of the time, but if you’re really that stressed, also give yourself permission to leave. 

5. Find a backup note system: There will be days that you cannot go to class. Accept this. Therefore, it is critical to find a way to make sure you always get the notes. Some colleges offer note taking assistance, some allow you to audio record lectures (check 1 and 2 party consent states first), and some leave you to your own devices, in which case, make a casual buddy to get notes from. You do not need to be besties with this person, Try to make sure you know how many days you actually have to go, and minimize grade damage when you can’t.

6. GET ENOUGH SLEEP. I cannot emphasize this enough; whether or not you’re taking medication, getting enough sleep is critical to pretty much everything that might be going on in your head- hormone issues, depression, autism, whatever. Your brain is going to be stressed out by the new environment and the additional, new problem solving that it has to do; help it make its best decisions. I literally wake up on less than 7 hours of sleep and consider selling my siblings on the black market. Don’t do it. 

7. Be careful about Caffeine; Some people are more or less sensitive to caffeine, or forms of caffeine, don’t develop a coffee addiction just because it��s in vogue. Matcha seems to have the most stabilizing caffeine affect on my brain of all the caffeine options, though tea still works universally better than coffee.  I also make my own “lattes” and cold brew at the beginning of the week and keep them in my fridge; a 2oz jar of matcha powder may cost like 60$ but it will make me about 90 cups of tea and last me two semesters especially if I mix in other kinds of cheaper teas in my morning; it’s certainly cheaper than starbucks- cups of latte come out to 95c and have about a third of the calories (which means I can drink more of them!) Which ties into;

8. Budgetting. You might be stressed out about money or make tons of tables and charts to try to deal with that stress; there are a lot of ways to cope with it, but my favorite method (and I still use a combination of these) for dealing with food and consumable stuff you need regularly like shampoo and soap or socks are: separate that money from everything else that you need to buy, then at the beginning of a semester 

Go to Costco, a particular kind of “exotic” grocery store, or a farmers market. Buy and then freeze meat, vegetables, and fruit (if you use them in baked goods or in yogurt) or get prefrozen meat- make sure you’re checking the price/lb or K for the cheapest, and bags of either rice, flour, boxes of pasta (cheap carbs) and oil- i recommend having canola, it’s utilitarian for frying with a high flash point. If your budget isn’t tiny, this is a great time to also get dried (or canned but I don’t like the texture) beans, and canned meat or sauce if you actually eat it. The key is to get cheap bulk things that will last for a semester or five, and that are always on hand.

Take the rest of your food budget out in cash. Separate it into bundles for “each week”, put them in your wallet, and return the change to the jar when you’re done. It was always easier for me to visualize how much spending money for food that I had when I physically had the cash; it meant I didn’t overspend and it also meant that I started making better “investment” decisions; I’d buy cinnamon sticks one week, or good olive oil the next, instead of dropping a couple hundred dollars on ingredients I might have never used.

Do a similar bulk buy of products you know you use, and then leave the rest of that money- also in cash!- in a separate jar with a stickynote on top. When you have to use money for stuff from it, just stuff the receipt in the jar with the cash and do your accounting When You Have Brainspace.

I deal with other bigger accounting stuff over cards, but I try to limit one card to rent, insurance, school payments, big regular stuff that I autopay and always pay off, and one card to “emergency” stuff that I’m always working on paying off- think emergency dental work, car broke, etc. That one I do gig labor to cover when I can.

Anyone else, feel free to chime in! It’s super useful to have lists of tips and tricks!

[babywinkz]

The Four Month Sleep Regression

The Four Month Sleep Regression

As a professional sleep consultant, I hear the term “regression” used in regards to just about every imaginable circumstance.

Essentially, if your baby doesn’t sleep well for a couple of nights, parents start dropping the ‘R’ word.

Some people subscribe to the idea that there’s an eight month regression, a 9 month regression, a 1 year regression, as well as teething regressions, growth spurt regressions, and so on.

Others see these as simple hiccups caused by extenuating circumstances.

Is There Such a Thing as Four Month Sleep Regression?

But the four-month regression, everybody agrees on, and for good reason. It’s the real deal, and it’s permanent.

So to understand what’s happening to your baby during this stage, first, you need to know a few things about sleep in general. So here’s the science part, told in plain English.

Many of us just think of sleep as an on-or-off situation.

You’re either asleep or you’re not.

Sleep Cycle in Plain English

But sleep actually has a number of different stages, and they make up the “sleep cycle,” which we go through several times a night.

STAGE 1 – Initial Stage

Stage 1 is that initial stage we’re all familiar with where you can just feel yourself drifting off, but don’t really feel like you’ve fallen asleep.

Anyone who has ever seen their partner nodding off in front of the TV told them to go to bed, and gotten the canned response of, “I wasn’t sleeping!” knows exactly what this looks like.

STAGE 2 – True Sleep

Stage 2, which is considered the first “true sleep” stage. This is where people tend to realize, once woken up, that they actually were sleeping. For anyone taking a “power nap,” this is as deep as you want to go, or else you’re going to wake up groggy.

STAGE 3 – Deep and Regenerative

Stage 3 is deep and regenerative. Also known as “slow wave” sleep, this is where the body starts repairing and rejuvenating the immune system, muscles tissue, energy stores, and sparks growth and development.

STAGE 4 – REM (rapid eye movement

Stage 4 is REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. This is where the brain starts to kick in and consolidates information and memories from the day before. It’s also the stage where we do most of our dreaming.

Once we’ve gone through all of the stages, we either wake up or come close to waking up and then start over again until the alarm goes off.

So what does this have to do with the dreaded regression we were talking about originally?

Well, newborn babies only have 2 stages of sleep; stage 3 and REM, and they spend about half their sleep in each stage.

But at around the third or fourth month, there is a reorganization of sleep, as they embrace the 4-stage method of sleep that they’ll continue to follow for the rest of their lives.

When this change takes place, baby moves from 50% REM sleep to 25% in order to make room for those first two stages.

So although REM sleep is light, it’s not as light as these 2 new stages that they’re getting used to, and with more time spent in lighter sleep, there’s more of a chance that baby’s going to wake up.

Waking Up Is Normal During Sleep

That’s not to say that we want to prevent or avoid baby waking up.

Waking up is absolutely natural, and we continue to wake up three, four, five times a night into adulthood and even more in old age.

As adults, however, we’re able to identify certain comforting truths that baby might not be privy to.

When we wake in the night, we’re able to recognize that,

“Hey, I’m here in my bed, it’s still nighttime, my alarm isn’t going to go off for another three hours, and I’m reasonably certain that there are no monsters lurking under my bed. I can go back to sleep”

And we do. Usually so quickly that, the next morning, we don’t even remember the brief encounter with consciousness.

A four month old baby, of course, lacks these critical thinking skills.

To a four month old baby who fell asleep at her mother’s breast, the reasoning could go much more to the tune of,

“OK, last thing I remember, there was a familiar, beloved face, I was having dinner, and someone was singing me a soothing song about the Teddy Bears’ Picnic. Now I’m alone in this dark room, there’s no food, and there’s probably at least three, possibly four, scary monsters in the immediate vicinity.”

That’s probably an exaggeration, but who knows what goes on in the mind of a four month-old baby?

Understanding Four Month Sleep Regression

Anyways, now that baby’s suddenly realized that Mamma’s not around, and they’re not entirely sure where they’ve gone, the natural response is to do a little freaking out.

That stimulates the fight-or-flight response and, next thing you know, baby’s not going back to sleep without a significant amount of reassurance that everything is OK.

The other major contributor to this 4 month fiasco.

I find, is that up until this point, parents have either been putting their baby to sleep with a pacifier, or by rocking them, or by breastfeeding them, or some similar technique where baby is helped along on the road to falling asleep.

Sleep Associations Don’t Help In the Long Term

Now that baby’s spending more time in light sleep, and therefore has a higher probability of waking up, this suddenly becomes a much bigger issue.

These sleep props or sleep associations can be very sneaky indeed.

Because although they may be helpful in getting your little one to that initial nodding off stage, the lack of them when they wake up means that baby’s not able to get back to sleep again without some outside help.

Cue the fight-or-flight, the crying, and the adrenaline.

When this starts happening every half an hour, parents can find themselves in a nightmarish situation.

So, the good news for anyone experiencing the dreaded Four Month Sleep Regression is that it’s not, in fact, a regression at all.

What is Regression?

A regression is defined as “reversion to an earlier mental or behavioural level,” and that’s actually the opposite of what your baby is experiencing.

This would be much more aptly titled the “Four Month Sleep Progression.”

So, onto the big question.

What can you do to help your little one adjust?

First off, get all of that light out of baby’s room.

I’m not kidding around here. You might think that baby’s room is dark enough, or that baby might not like the dark, and that it’s comforting to have a little bit of light coming through the windows or seeping in from the hallway.

Nope.

1 – Eliminate All Light

Baby’s room should be dark, I mean coal mine on a moonless night kind of dark.

Tape bin bags over the windows if you have to, or cover them with tinfoil. (Just be prepared to explain it to the police when the neighbours accuse you of running a grow-op.)

Newborns and infants are not afraid of the dark.

They are, however, responsive to light. Light tells their brains that it’s time for activity and alertness, and the brain secretes hormones accordingly, so we want to keep that nursery absolutely pitch black during naps and bedtime.

2 – Eliminate All Noise

The other nemesis of daytime sleep, (and nighttime for that matter, although not nearly as often) is noise.

Whether its UPS ringing the doorbell, the dog warning you that the squirrels are back and for sure going to attack the house this time, or something falling on the floor three rooms away.

With baby spending more time in lighter sleep, noises will startle them easily and wake them up, so a white noise machine is a great addition to your nursery.

“Wait, isn’t that a prop,” you’re asking. Well, in a way, it is, but it doesn’t require any winding, resetting, reinserting, or parental presence. It’s just there and it can be on as long as baby’s sleeping, so it’s not a prop we need to avoid.

3 – Create Bedtime Routine

Bedtime routines are also an essential component to getting your baby sleeping well.

Try to keep the routine to about 4 or 5 steps, and don’t end it with a feed. Otherwise, you risk baby nodding off at the breast or the bottle, and that will create the dreaded “association” that we talked about earlier.

So try to keep the feed near the beginning of the routine and plan the songs, stories, and getting into PJs towards the end.

The whole process should be about 20 – 30 minutes long, and the baby should go into their cot while they’re still awake.

If you’re noticing your baby getting fussy before bedtime, you’ve probably waited too long. Four month old babies should only be going about two hours between snoozes, and bedtime should be between 7 and 8 at night.

We Aren’t Perfect – Baby Growth Plays a Role

Now, there are going to be regressions, actual regressions, later on in your little one’s youth. Travelling, illness, cutting teeth, all of these things can cause your little one to have a few bad nights in a row.

But when it comes to the four month “progression,” I’m happy to report that this is a one-time thing. Once you’re through this, your baby will have officially moved into the sleep cycle that they’ll essentially be following for the rest of their life.

Four glorious stages repeated multiple times a night.

Give Your Little One a Gift

And by taking this opportunity to teach them the skills they need to string those sleep cycles together, independently, prop-free, without any need for nursing, rocking, or pacifiers, you’ll have given them a gift that they’ll enjoy for the rest of their young lives.

Of course, some kids are going to take to this process like a fish to water, and some are going to be a little more resistant.

If yours falls into the former category, count yourself as lucky, take delight in your success, and go ahead and gloat about it on Facebook.

For those of you in the latter camp, I’m happy to help in any way I can.

Just visit my website or give me a call and we can work on a more personalized program for your little one.

The most common thing I hear after working with clients is,

“I can’t believe I waited so long to get some help!”

So if you’re considering hiring a consultant, now is absolutely the time.

I offer a free 15 minute evaluation so I can get to know the specifics about your little one’s situation, so book a call now and we can move forward as soon as you’re ready to get your little one sleeping through the night!

Read next >>>

Helping your baby to sleep – NHS

Is This the Right Time To Sleep Train?

Is Sleep Training Safe

Thank you so much for reading, please comment below if you have any questions.

[sambergscott]

a peralta guarantee

“I promise I’ll come home safe, Ames. That’s a Peralta Guarantee.”

(missing scenes from 7x08 - amy worrying about jake)

hUge thanks to johanna for inspiring this fic and helping when i had a lil breakdown halfway through

When he approaches her desk mid-afternoon with a decaf coffee and the white chocolate chip cookies she’s been craving from the bakery across town, she knows he’s either a) broken something, b) wants something or c) has bad news. She narrows her eyes suspiciously, detecting an excited bounce in his step which can only mean it’s b and c; he wants something she’s not going to like.

“Hey, babe,” he tries to play it cool, clearing a butt-sized space on her desk on which to sit. “I come bearing gifts.”

“What do you want, Peralta?” She cuts to the chase.

“Damn it, you know me too well,” he mutters. “OK, so, here’s the thing: Doug Judy’s gettin’ married. He invited me to his Bachelor Party this weekend and I know he’s a criminal, Ames, but I really wanna go. Like, so bad. Would you be cool with that?”

She conjures up a mental pro and con list. On one hand, Doug Judy is The Pontiac Bandit, known felon, committer of God knows how many crimes, an overall bad dude. On the other, he’s Jake’s friend, singer of the smush songs CD in the glove box of their car that they always forget to take out, giver of the Le Creuset pot she adores. He’s always been nice to her and—.

“Sarge?” Gary interrupts her decision-making process with a quick question about a perp he just brought in, snapping her back to reality. She’s a Police Sergeant, her job is to serve and protect the city they call home and as much as she loves cooking her mom’s beef casserole recipe in Judy’s awesome wedding gift, she has a responsibility to bring him in.

“I’m sorry, babe. I just think it’s a bad idea.”

His face falls, his disappointment coming through loud and clear.

“What were you expecting me to say? Ignore the million arrest warrants out on this guy, many of them submitted by you, so you can drink beer and go to strip clubs?”

“You’re right,” he sighs. “You’re obviously right. Man, being good at your job sucks.”

She nods in agreement. “Remember last month when I had to shut that binder store down for running a secret drug dealing operation out back?”

“How could I forget? You cried for three days straight.”

“They had the best binder collection I’ve ever seen!”

(It was actually what was so fishy about it. In four trips to buy pregnancy binders, she hadn’t seen any of the founding members of the Brooklyn Binder Babes blog — Mary Sue, Catherine, Margaret or Jane — once. And there’s no way a stationery start-up would attract such long queues without their recommendation. It was a pretty easy solve from there).

“The point is, you can’t go to a criminal’s Bachelor Party.” She pats his hand. “You’ll just have to come maternity clothes shopping with me instead. None of my jeans fit me anymore.”

“As much as I would love to, you can take Kylie. I’m going to the party.”

“What?” She double-takes. “Jake, did you not listen to what I literally just said? We’re cops. We cannot be friends with criminals.”

“But we can be friends with informants who have helped us catch numerous, even bigger, more dangerous criminals,” he says with that look on his face, the one he gets when he finds a loophole that he can use to his advantage. She recognises it from home videos Karen has shown her where, instead of tidying his room like she asked him to, seven year old Jake shoves everything under his bed and carries on enacting a police chase with his race cars. “Captain Holt has given him immunity before, so technically I should be able to go party it up with him in Miami!”

“Wait... It’s in Miami? Miami... Florida?”

It’s a stupid question, she knows. Of course he means Miami, Florida. It’s just... they both promised on the flight home that they would never, ever go back there. After everything that happened with Figgis and not knowing if they’d ever see each other again, a statewide travel ban seemed a good way to put it all behind them, focus on all their future moments together, not on all the moments they missed.

“This isn’t like last time,” he reassures her. “It’s only for a weekend and then I’ll be coming straight home for snuggles with you and —,” he lowers his voice to a whisper because they haven’t told anyone she’s pregnant yet, “the baby.”

Her eyes fill with tears and she bites her lip so hard to stop them overflowing in front of all her uniformed officers. It’s pretty clear that he wants to go and she never wants to be one of them wives who control their husbands’ every move. All she wants is for him to be happy. And if going to Doug Judy’s Bachelor Party makes him happy, he should go, no matter how much she hates the entire state of Florida. She agrees, on one condition: “You have to text me hourly updates to let me know that you’re still alive.”

“Don’t I text you constantly anyway?”

“I guess so,” she sniffs.

He lifts her chin so she’s looking him in the eyes. “I promise I’ll come home safe, Ames. That’s a Peralta guarantee.”

“You better,” she warns, tears suddenly flowing down her face at the thought of him not coming home, not being there to watch Property Brothers with her, not raising their baby and proving to everyone what a great dad he will be.

Used to her extra strength pregnancy hormones shifting her emotions from 0 to 100 faster than John McClane can say “Yippie-Ki-Yay, motherfucker”, he pulls her into a tight hug, careful not to crush the precious cargo that is behind said mood swings.

He strokes her hair and whispers that he’ll be home before she knows it and that nothing, not even the worst state in the country, will tear him away from her.

When it’s time for him to leave, she follows him out to the street and, after a brief argument over the fact he packed his bag before he OK’ed the trip with her and another hormone-induced cry when his cab shows up, reluctantly waves goodbye.

True to his word, he texts her before the car is even out of sight. Miss you already 😘.

--

Her phone buzzes periodically throughout the rest of the day.

In a meeting with Holt and Terry: flying on mark cuban’s dope ass private plane!!!!! ✈️

Cooking dinner: florida is HOT (not as hot as u babe, dont worry)

Doing her crossword in bed: g’night ames, g’night baby, love u both SO MUCH

She smiles, tells him she loves him too and braces herself for the barrage of drunk texts and selfies coming her way.

--

Sleeping without him sucks. The bed is cold, her pregnancy pillow is not as good of a cuddle buddy and she tosses and turns all night worrying about him, where he is, what he’s doing, whether he’s safe.

Her eyes finally slip shut around 1 am when her phone buzzes. Again. And again. And again.

She tries to ignore him, bury her head under her pillow and go back to sleep, but the messages keep coming thick and fast. She groans, giving up and unlocking her phone.

There are 47 new messages from him.

Forty-seven.

Her initial annoyance at being woken up quickly disappears as she scrolls through the thread. He’s mostly sent her random, meaningless emojis and keysmashes, interspersed with the odd “I love you”, “you’re my best friend” and “I’m thinking about you” that warm her heart. He mentions something about their proposal, about crying with Doug Judy, which obviously makes her cry too.

(Dumb pregnancy hormones).

By the time she reaches the bottom, he’s sent her 10 more.

She decides for her sake — and the sake of all of her officers who would have to deal with a tired, emotional pregnant lady — to turn off her phone and reply to him in the morning.

She returns her phone to her nightstand, settles back into a comfortable position and closes her eyes.

She lies motionless for what feels like hours, unable to fall asleep. She tries the breathing technique her brother David brags about constantly, counting sheep like little Matthew, even reciting police codes like Teddy used to go to sleep after sex. Nothing works. She’s still awake.

She turns her phone back on to see what Jake’s up to now, only to see his messages ended abruptly with a caterpillar emoji over an hour ago.  

She immediately panics, dialling 911 into her phone.

Her thumb hovers over the green call button.

She’s heard thousands of crazy operator call stories, frequently reminded the general population to only call in a genuine emergency and watched the YouTube compilations for fun. She deletes the number, positive that if she told an operator her husband was missing because she hadn’t heard from him while he’s at a Bachelor Party, she’s positive she would be added to those videos.

In an attempt to stop her spiral, she contemplates the possible scenarios in which his constant texts would cease.

Scenario 1: He’s living in the moment and has put his phone away (something she has been encouraging him to do lately to reduce his screen time)

Scenario 2: He’s very drunk and has completely forgotten about his promise

Scenario 3: He used up all his battery texting her and his phone has died

Scenario 4: He’s fallen asleep (although a quick check of Trudy Judy’s insta reveals the party is very much still in full flow)

Scenario 5: Judy’s criminal buddies have killed him and thrown his body into the ocean

Once the thought pops into her head, no amount of squeezing her eyes shut will make the image go away.

Holt giving an emotional eulogy about wearing ties and being an amazing detective/genius.  

Some rookie taking over his desk.  

The sympathetic looks when she tells all the other moms in baby group that her husband died.  

Usually Jake is there to hold her when her nightmares get bad. She rolls over, expecting to see his kind eyes and soft smile, the untouched side of his bed only serving to make her cry harder.

She can’t lose him. Not yet. Not until they’re old and grey, and maybe not even then. She spent so long denying her feelings for her dorky partner, rueing every missed opportunity to be together, and when they finally, finally took the plunge, she had never been happier. She can’t lose him yet. They have so much more life left to live.

She can’t lose him because he promised her he would come home safe. He guaranteed it.

She clings onto the tiny grain of hope like one might cling onto a raft in the middle of the ocean.

He would never break a Peralta guarantee.

--

Her phone finally buzzes again an hour later.

From: Unknown

Ames, it’s me, Jake. Judy’s buddies found out I’m a cop + destroyed my phone. So sorry I couldn’t text before. Hope you didn’t worry too much, although I know you probably haven’t slept. You can stop worrying now. I’m safe. Love you + see you tomorrow.  

Love you too, she responds, yawning as she places the phone back on the side table.

Relieved that he’s OK, and exhausted from all the worrying, she falls into the easiest sleep she’s ever had.

--

Before she knows it, it’s the next afternoon, Jake’s keys are turning in the lock, he’s dropping his holdall on the floor and rushing to her side to kiss her all over her face.

“I missed you too,” she laughs, kissing him properly.

“Sorry it took so long — Doug and Trudy made me fly commercial —.”

“Don’t worry about it. You’re home now. That’s all that matters.”

“I’m never leaving you two again,” he swears.

“You’ll have to leave us eventually to go to the bathroom and stuff,” she points out, raking her fingers through the unruly curls that she so hopes their baby will inherit. “Just don’t go back there.”

A solemn understanding passes over his face and he nods. “Never again. Not even if our kid wants to go to Disney World. We’ll take them to the California one instead.”

“Smort,” she says, stealing his line and in an instant, that familiar grin is back.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

A dozen memories flood back, of oldies in short shorts and shuffleboard and Doug Judy getting away again. Of noice and smort and saying “I love you” for the very first time. Her eyes fill with tears — dumb pregnancy hormones strike again — as she buries her face in his shoulder.

“Let’s go to bed,” he whispers, pressing a kiss to the top of her head and lifting her bridal style to carry her to their room. He places her carefully onto the mattress and flops down next to her.

She snuggles into him, eyes closing once more. “Did we even get an invite to the wedding?”

“Not even close,” he sighs.

“Damn it. I would’ve loved to see that trainwreck.”

“You and me both, babe. You and me both.”

[michtimadhura]

MAJNU (Lover)

This is not my story. I’ve taken this plot from Ajeeb Dastaans on Netflix and tried to modify it

Heart pounding out of rhythm and hormones taking over her body, Lipakshi sat in her royal bedroom in her extravagant red wedding lehenga. Her nervous emotions were all over the place, exerted due to the wedding yet handling herself with grace, she waited for her husband. The door opened and Deepraj walked in, but his steps stopped all of a sudden. He stood at the entrance in his cream sherwani and sandpaper rough face, hesitant about her reaction yet quite firm about his decision. “ I’ve married you only because my father told me to…I am in love with someone else so I can’t love you and neither can I give you any children. Let us consider this marriage a sacrifice between 2 political parties for money and power.”, he stated this as loudly and bluntly as he could. But Lipakshi wasn’t just going to let go, gathering her most savage poker face, she said, “You men will always remain hypocrites…if you are going to cheat me in the very start of our marriage, well… then get ready to be cheated on”.

Deepraj walked out of the room leaving Lipakshi in a puddle of tears. She spent hours crying her eyes out until she couldn’t take it anymore. She had realized that this marriage was nothing but a deal between her MP father and a mafia boss. Her feelings were played by her father’s politics but she wasn’t among the ones who live a hopeless life lost in sadness when there’s no hope visible. Her decision was finally made, she was going to avenge everything that had happened to her. She did not care about life or death anymore and started seducing Deepraj’s mafia men. She started having affairs with them. Men who were genuinely loyal to Deepraj ignored Lipakshi’s behaviour and those who weren’t, started dating her or asking her for sex. But none of them lasted for more than 3 days because DING DONG, you can mess with demons but you cannot mess with Satan himself. Deepraj always caught them and like a true mafia boss he didn’t even flinch before taking their lives. As time passed, experimenting while killing his own men became his new hobby.

Months passed and so did years, Lipakshi’s grudge against her husband was not a news anymore. Everything was going on as usual until one fine day when “he” came. That one fine day was situated in the summers of May. Lipakshi was sitting on the huge swing in her front yard peeling a Mango while Deepraj sat miles away from her. Resting on his armchair with his feet slightly grazing the grass, he spoke to his driver, “Babloo, isn’t your son coming back today?” Babloo’s chest swelled with pride, “Haa sahabji, he is already here. He flew back from London yesterday. But he’ll soon be leaving for USA to start his new job…he’s gotten a job for 1.5 million dollars over there…” Deepraj cut Babloo off, “Uh…what was his name again?”

“His name’s Rajkumar, but Raj feels more modern na…so he’s switched to Raj nowadays”

“Acha?..a few years in a foreign country has changed him so adversely”

“It’s not the way you’re thinking……”

“Invite him over someday. Even I want to see how big he’s grown now.”, Deepraj cut Babloo off.

Out of nowhere, Lipakshi entered this small meeting, fed her husband a slice of mango and left without even bothering to start a conversation. She really was one hell of a savage.

“Ha Babloo, even I want to see your son”, said Ranjhesh, Deepraj’s right hand who was sitting right next to him to break the awkward silence after Lipakshi left.

“Jaroor sahabji…I’ll invite him over”

Half an hour later an army green coloured jeep entered the front yard. It stopped right near Lipakshi’s swing. A 6 feet figure got out from the jeep, “Raj beta!”, Babloo shouted from the other side of the front yard lawn. Raj adjusted his denim jacket over his shoulder and started walking towards his father only to glance at Lipakshi who caught his eye and winked at him. Raj got flustered for a moment but then regained his posture and resumed walking towards his father. “Namaste bhaiyya”, he said to Deepraj while touching his feet. “Welcome to our village Raj”, Deepraj said with a semi-smile while holding Raj by his arms. “Rajkumar is okay sahabji”, Babloo muttered. “Arey Nahi Babloo …he is a city man now, Rajkumar won’t suit him”.

Raj reached his pocket to take out a little transparent box. “Bhaiyya, I bought this Rolex for you”, he said as he handed that glistening box over to Deepraj, “Thank you bhaiyya, thanks a lot for everything that you’ve done for me and my family, especially when baba was in the hospital”

Ranjhesh found this suspicious “You know that Deepraj was the one who broke your father’s leg, right?”

“Yes, he did. But dad deserved it and Bhaiyya’s done so much more to help us that it outweighs everything. Also, I like to return people’s favours with even more fervour”, Raj said without any sign of hesitation.

“You’ll be waiting for dinner today, right Raj?”, Deepraj asked as if commanding him to stay for dinner.

“Sure, I’ll never refuse this honour”, Raj said.

“Hey Raj! This is Lipakshi, Deepraj’s wife”, Lipakshi said as she gave Raj a weirdly touchy hug. She wasn’t going to miss out on this guy, was she?

The atmosphere shifted 180 degrees to being extremely awkward and suffocating as Lipakshi kept staring at Raj who preferred to face the ground instead of facing Lipakshi.

“Namaste bhabhi”, he said looking down.

“Raj, why won’t you look at me?”, Lipakshi asked using her best baby voice.

“The right to look at you only belongs to Deepraj bhaiyya, bhabhi”, Raj replied trying to avoid eye contact.

Anger and the lust for revenge shot up in Lipakshi’s brown orbs as she locked eyes with her husband. “The only regret is that your bhaiyya doesn’t know the value of this right”, Lipakshi said as she reached Deepraj and gave him a little peck on the cheek which was meant to be more of a taunted slap.

Dinner was served hot and tasty that day. Deepraj, of course, sat at the centre of the dining table. Everything was going smoothly, dinner was midway over when Deepraj started talking, “So … Raj, I have an offer to make to you”, Deepraj sounded rather nervous, “ha bhaiyya, bolo na”, Raj said. “Well, I have a job offer for you, would you like to work right here for me, would you like to handle my business for me?”

“But bhaiyya… I already have gotten a job in the US… and I am leaving soon”

“Then tell them you won’t be joining. That job might be great, but I think you should think about staying here too. My business is quite huge right now and with you here to help me…who knows what we would accomplish.”

“But bhaiyya…”

“We all are a big family, right and what in this world is better than working with and helping your family. The company owns worth more than 500 million dollars of shares in the US market. Acha, I promise you a 4-million-dollar salary here. Now….don’t tell me that didn’t convince you”, Deepraj cut Raj off in a rather dominating manner.

Dollars flashed in Raj’s eyes. He took about 10 minutes to speak up and finally agreed with an “Okay bhaiyya”

Rest of the dinner progressed quietly.

Raj’s father was absolutely disappointed with his decision. “I worked hard to send you to the US just so you could come back here and join this slavery! Are you also going to serve those bastards for the rest of your life? Are you going to serve the same people who broke your baba’s leg? Do you even have any idea about what you’ve done?!”, he shouted at Raj as soon as he heard about Raj’s decision. “Baba, do you even know how much money 4 million is! It’s more than 100% of what the US people are offering me.”, Raj said his last words rather hastily as he left for the terrace. Raj’s bungalow had a clear view of Deepraj’s mansion.

He shared a cigarette with his local friend Badraa as they chatted about the village’s happenings.

“Rolex watch for that bastard and nothing for your yaar, ye kya Insaaf Hai bhai!”, Badraa pouted. “Choop baith, I don’t want to hear another lecture from you. The Rolex is fake, that man doesn’t even deserve a hit from my shoe. Also, what’s up with Deepraj’s wife?”, Raj asked. Even a dog is a king inside his own house, no matter how well he was fed at Deepraj’s mansion, he loathed him with every single nerve inside his body. “It’s been about 2 years and she’s not even pregnant. Now that tells you a lot about their marriage. Nahi toh, you know how fast Deep bhaiyya is”, more and more chuckles followed as they stared at the so-called “Deepraj mansion” under the starlit sky gossiping about the what-nots of the village.

Raj’s knowledge about stock exchange was remarkable and so was his willingness to work hard. He used to stay up late at Deepraj mansion to get his work done. Deepraj’s not-so-disciplined company had joined hands with the disciplined efforts of Raj, hence it did receive multiple rewards. In no time, the company started booming with money as Raj brought about 250 million worth of profit. Raj had now become Deepraj’s most trusted underdog, he was trusted even more than Deepraj’s own right hand Ranjhesh. As of Lipakshi, well, she had fallen head over heels for Raj and Lipakshi being Lipakshi never stopped her efforts. She used to flirt with Raj all the time and Raj being the most loyal underdog always ignored Lipakshi which was the most important factor fuelling the trust between Raj and Deepraj. He used to stare at Lipakshi when Deepraj wasn’t around but never did he ever manage to speak a word with her. He knew how big of a deal it was to flirt back with that lady until the day arrived when he mustered up the courage to do so.

One day, Deepraj was leaving for Lucknow for some work, “Raj, we need to attend some important business in Lucknow tomorrow. The Range Rover is already cleaned and washed, get ready at 7:00 am tomorrow morning. We need to leave as soon as we can” “Deep bhaiyya”, Raj put on his puppy face as he walked towards him, “Bhaiyya…actually I’ve got some important work to do here…so I won’t be able to accompany you. Instead Badraa will join you for the trip. Will that be fine?” “Acha thik Hai… you sure you’re not coming?”, Deepraj sounded a bit desperate for Raj’s company. “Sorry bhaiyya, I really have got a lot to do right now”, Raj rejected him with the softest words that he could gather. The night ended with deep talks over beer for the 2 of them… Deepraj went to sleep quite early. The next day arrived and Deepraj left early in the morning.

It was supposed to be a bright sunny day but the weather was quite windy and moist that day. Windows of Deepraj mansion were banging against each other as strong wind blew by. But it seemed like a fine day for Raj to make his first move on his so-called “Bhabhi”. He entered the mansion at lunchtime. Lipakshi was working out in her bedroom in her sports bra and yoga pants and the weather got steamier when Raj entered the room in his white shirt and black fitted pants. Lipakshi noticed his steps from far away and switched to squats. Raj finally entered the room and all that he could do was to stare at Lipakshi’s sultry figure. Lipakshi ignored him, continuing her squats. There was pin drop silence in the room but it wasn’t awkward, heat was building up in both of their bodies. Raj didn’t even dare to open his mouth, he tried muttering “Lipakshi” but when he couldn’t, he finally gave in. The spontaneity of the moment was too much to hold on to, Lipakshi just couldn’t hold herself back from the six feet, handsome meal standing right in front of her. She finally stopped her workout and turned towards Raj. “ahh, you men …aren’t you the greatest hypocrites of the world?”, she said as she held Raj by his collar. The first move was finally made and Raj was all ready to do his part. Clothes were torn, undergarments were destroyed, kisses were smothered, love bites were engraved on both of their bodies. Lipakshi was her happiest self now, she had finally found somebody with whom she could share a part of herself. But she was so, so afraid of getting caught this time, that she took every precaution possible to hide her beloved from the rotten eyes of her husband.

Lipakshi and Raj’s relationship had started growing beyond their sex. Their relation had grown into something beautiful and memorable. Deepraj spent most of his time outside the mansion which gave these lovebirds even more private time. But the best days were spent every time Deepraj left for Lucknow for 2–3-day trips. Raj used to find various excuses to avoid these trips but Deepraj never suspected him about doing something malicious behind his back. Trust really does take up the best out of a person.

It was one of those nights when Deepraj was off to Lucknow and the whole mansion belonged to Raj and Lipakshi, their bodies were tired after a long session of love making. Lipakshi was resting in Raj’s arms and she decided to start a very deep conversation with him. “Raj, you know that I love you, right?”, she said but Raj straight away ignored her question “I am tired of living in this mansion, being the wife of a stranger and longing for you all the time. I am soon going to book 2 tickets for us so that we could elope to somewhere peaceful. Where do you want to go?”, another question was ignored but Lipakshi continued,” I’d love to explore Shimla with you. But it’s okay for me if you want to go somewhere else. We can finally find our happily ever after there…Oh my god, I’m so excited, good days are finally on the way! But Raj”, Lipakshi’s tone suddenly grew serious, “Are you willing to leave everything for me….do you really love me?” Raj was quite hesitant but he composed himself enough to say, “sure darling, whatever you say, I’ll be there right beside you.”

A year later…

A year had passed since Raj had joined Deepraj’s company and summer was back to its best. Deepraj was returning from one of his Lucknow trips. It was 12:00 am already and he pulled up his rover in the parking lot. Exhausted due to the journey, he started unlocking the door, and stumbled upon something. He saw a khaki envelope sitting right underneath his feet. He opened up the envelope only to find some photographs he was too tired to look at.

The next day at the mansion was a lazy one. Deepraj relaxed on his armchair as he bathed in the vitamin D filled sun. He opened the envelope of photographs and he couldn’t believe what he saw next. The photographs were of Lipakshi and her new lover. Getting such photographs anonymously was nothing new for him, but this time the photographs enraged the hell out of him. Lipakshi snogging other men was morning tea but the person she was snogging immediately raged him up.

How did this little fuck even dare to look at my wife? he thought to himself.

He immediately called Raj and told him to come over to the mansion at 8:00 pm, “Bhaiyya…actually my parents are leaving today so I need to send them off. Is it okay if I join you at breakfast tomorrow?”, Raj said

“Nahi Raj. You can come after sending your parents off. Any time after 8 is fine with me. Tonight, I need to discuss something very important with you. You’ll come, won’t you?”

“Jaroor bhaiyya, I’ll be there as soon as I can”, Raj ended the phone call only to get another one from Lipakshi.

“My beloved husband is too tired to even move a muscle, he’ll soon fall asleep that’s when I’ll be packing my bags for tomorrow’s train at 6:00 pm. The tickets are already booked. It’s time for our ‘together forever’ now”

“Ah ha…my monster seems too excited today”, Raj teased Lipakshi.

“Raj, I am Hella serious about this, I’ll be waiting for you at 5:30 on the platform. You’ll come na… won’t you?”

“Sure baby, let’s meet at the platform tomorrow, done it is, I love you “

The phone call ended and the remaining day went by quickly.

It was 11 pm when Raj arrived at the mansion. Deepraj was sitting on Lipakshi’s swing with a beer in his left hand while his right hand balanced himself on the swing. His plain white kurta was stained due to his tears and they were rolling down his eyes continuously. Overall, he seemed to be in a pretty horrible state. “Bhaiyya!”, Raj exclaimed as he saw his bhaiyya’s condition “Kya Hua bhaiyya, why are you crying?” “Don’t call me bhaiyya …please”, he said while grabbing Raj’s hand. He leaned in to give Raj a tight hug which made Raj extremely awkward, Deepraj then got even closer trying to kiss Raj on his lips and that’s when Raj reached his limits. “Bhaiyya what is happening…please tell me”

“Tum hi ho yaar Raj” Deepraj said as his tears turned into waterfalls, “You are the only one who loves me for who I am. You might wonder why me and Lipakshi are not able to have kids right?”, Deepraj said out of nowhere.

“Nahi bhaiyya aisa kuch Nahi Hai…”, Raj tried to explain but he was cut off by Deepraj as always.

“Ruko Raj. Let me talk now. Let me tell you about all the hurt I’ve been carrying over my shoulders all this while. I was a very different child since childhood, an introvert and a completely opposite person than what I am now. There was this boy called Saumya whom I loved. We were a couple since high school. He was my best friend and my life partner. He was the only close person I had opened up to until my father saw us together, making out in the back of a car and that was the end of our story. My father then locked me up and forced me to marry Lipakshi for some bullshit political alliance and as of Saumya, till date I have no idea about what happened to his family or him. Life ended the moment my dad separated us from each other. You tell me Raj; how can I satisfy a stranger woman for whom I don’t even feel anything. Hence, I decided not to have any children of my own. Baba died without having any grandchildren but his punishment still lives on. Lipakshi never stopped being a pain in the ass. But in the midst of all that was going on… I found you Raj, I finally found my happiness. I found my peace. Work has been so much fun since the day you joined my company. I loved spending time with you, may it be discussing business strategies while working or just having deep talks over beer late at night. It took me so long to realize how madly I was in love with you”, Deepraj said as he gently placed hand on Raj’s, “I love you Raj, I love you to the moon and back and I want us to be together, I want to make this work”, Deepraj lifted their intertwined hands together. Tears were welling up in Raj’s eyes as if he was desperately waiting for this moment to arrive. Raj pulled Deepraj into a tight embrace.

“Ek aur baat”, Deepraj said without breaking the embrace, “your friend Badraa seems quite interested in Lipakshi. I never even imagined that dumbfuck to be so brave.”, Deepraj said pointing towards the photographs on the table. “He really did dare to make a move on my wife. And according to what Ranjhesh heard, they are both going to leave the town using the 6'oclock train tomorrow. But I am going to end this torture, once and for all. I am going to teach Badraa the biggest lesson of his life tomorrow. But I need your help. Will you help me Raj?”, They finally made eye contact. “Have I ever said no to you Deep? Batao, how can I help you?”, Raj said.

“I need you to kill Lipakshi”, a moment of silence followed as Deepraj completed his sentence.

“Ha….Even I want to eliminate that nasty woman out of our life”

Our life? He really does love me, Deepraj thought.

“I’ll be there at the station and I will be the only one to witness her struggle for the last breaths of her life. I’ll kill her right when she reaches the station to catch her train”, Raj said without showing even an inch of hesitation. Raj and Deepraj had spent loads of nights together in the front yard but this one hit different. Every embrace felt short as time passed. Tomorrow was going to be a big day in both of their lives, so their little get together didn’t last too long.

Lipakshi’s doomsday had arrived. She packed her suitcase and escaped her house using the backside gate. The moment she stepped foot out of that house, she felt like the freest bird in the world, just the way it was before she got married. Lipakshi started her journey towards the station as Deepraj was beating the shit out of her presumed new lover Badraa who begged for mercy even though he had done nothing wrong. For the first time in his life Deepraj felt happy, not because he was punishing someone, but for the fact that he was going to be happy for the rest of his life now. He was going to live a life he had always dreamt about. He received a WhatsApp message from Raj right and he stopped everything that was going on and opened the message only to find a video clip. Like every lover in this world, he was quite curious what that might be about so he opened the message.

“Hey Deepraj, I am recording this as I leave for another country. Surprised, aren’t you? Maa and baba are right beside me. You want to see them? Hey maa baba, say hi to the camera for me please”, Raj’s parents waved to the camera with a wide smile having no idea about what their son was doing. The camera again switched to Raj. “Well let me tell you a little something, I was the one who sent you those photographs. And my god, I was so damn sure you would believe them and believe, you did. Bhaiyya”, Raj chuckled as he used his baby voice, “how could you not know there’s something called photoshop in this world. That guy in the white shirt wasn’t Badraa, it was me. So, leave my friend alone please. Also, ain’t I a pretty good actor? For what I did yesterday, I seriously do deserve an Oscar. Ohh… before I forget, let me remind you that I’ve taken all my profit money. Those 250 million dollars belong to me, not you dickhead so don’t panic when you find your account empty. And don’t you dare try to find me… even though you won’t be able to do that even in 1000 lives. This is the reward you get for breaking my father’s leg for no fucking reason, for hurting my family, for pulling generations and generations of my family into being a slave for you, for disrespecting my father, for trying to ruin my life with your “better job offers”, for not even letting your own wife be happy. You deserve everything that has happened to you. You deserve your sadness bhaiyya, YOU DESERVE IT”

Deepraj went blank after what he saw and Badraa took that moment to escape before anything much horrible could happen to him. Deepraj fell to the ground out of shock. He just wanted to fade out of existence. He wanted to go back to his real happy times. He wanted to go back to Saumya. His feelings were too genuine. He had been played once again. It was as if there was no end to his pain so he decided to kill his emotions.

If not Raj, then let it be me who kills Lipakshi. I just can’t stand the sight of her anymore.

Deepraj loaded his gun as he left for the station. It was 6:30 pm already and the train had left the station. There was pin drop silence everywhere as this was the last train for the day. Deepraj saw a silhouette from far away and assuming it was Lipakshi, he started walking towards her. He knew for a fact that Lipakshi won’t leave by herself. She was sitting on a bench and she stood up when she saw Deepraj. “You must be feeling so happy, right?”, she said as tears gathered in her eyes. Deepraj took no time in pointing the gun at her. “oh… so you’re here to kill me”, she regained her posture, “Maarna Hai to maar daalo mujhe… even I don’t wish to live with a husband like you. Even I am tired of living this loveless life” Deepraj pressed his gun hard into her skull but he just couldn’t find the courage to pull the trigger. She might not have helped him through his heartbreak but she had always been the one to stand right beside in these 2 years. Deepraj collapsed into the ground and so did Lipakshi. Death was all she wanted, but how can a person who is already dead from the inside kill her. Tears flowed and the only thing Lipakshi managed to day was, “I am pregnant” and at that moment Deepraj Raj’s words resonated in his mind “ I like to return people’s favours with even more fervour.” Raj’s favour was too much for Deepraj to handle but what else could he do than face it all, after all, he did deserve his sadness right?

[starvationfreediet]

How to PERMANENTLY Lose 30 pounds in 2 months without starving Yourself:

I’m gonna be honest with you: weight loss takes a lot of effort. No matter what technique you do, there will be some resistance, and that’s totally natural.

There is no magic program or way to go about losing weight. If weight loss were so easy, everyone on Earth would be a supermodel.

Now, the idea of losing weight sounds really appealing, I know. When you lose weight, you feel fulfilled and confident because you have ticked off one of your goals off your list.

When you lose weight, you literally have the mindset to achieve anything, because losing weight takes a lot of mental toughness.

But it doesn’t mean that there are no ways to lose weight that are more effective than others.

What I like about your question is that you used the phrase “keep it off”, and that’s something that people usually forget.

What the average person does when wanting to lose weight

When wanting to lose weight, this is what people usually do:

embark on crash diets

starve themselves

give up their favorite foods

completely change their lifestyle

And although the average person might see some results in doing that, they will not keep the fat OFF, and here is why:

After having melted a few pounds, the average person will go back to their original lifestyle and end up back to eating the foods they gave up during their diet. This means that they will gain back the weight that they lost!

But imagine if you could lose fat permanently? Imagine if you could see progress every single week? And imagine if you could lose weight without starving yourself or giving up your favorite goods?

I’m gonna share 3 tips in this answer to help you lose weight permanently without starving yourself.

And if you stick until the end, I’m gonna reveal my game-changer, or what I used to lose 50 lbs in two months permanently.

Tip number 1:

Don’t Stress, Because It Does Help:

When stressed about your weight or anything, your body produces cortisol, which is a stress hormone that increases sugar cravings. That’s why I said that it wouldn’t help you.

There is no need to stress or worry because it will not help you, that I can assure you.

Meditate for a few minutes a day

Don’t drink too much coffee, and don’t drink it at all after midday

Read for about half an hour a day – this will keep your mind at peace

Maybe watch some Netflix

Take care of your mental health.

Get some good sleep – My next tip

Tip number 2:

Never Underestimate the Power of Sleep

I know what you think: saying to you “get good sleep” is very cliché. But in the weight loss industry, sleep is not mentioned enough.

The Sleep Foundation says that you burn approximately 50 calories per hour of sleep, and that’s a lot. But this doesn’t work if you have a shitty sleep schedule.

Get from 6 to 9 hours of QUALITY sleep. 6 hours of quality sleep is better than 12 hours of mediocre sleep.

Just try to have a good night routine before sleeping:

Don’t use your phone an hour before going to bed

Try sleeping in a cool room (proven to increase your sleep quality)

Sleep in a completely dark room

Don’t eat before going to be if you wanna lose 50 calories per hour

Tip number 3:

Water is Life

Same as my point about sleep, this sounds very obvious. Your parents probably told you “drink more water sweety” or something like that.

But understand that water is very important for weight loss.

Did you know that if you drink a 0.5-liter glass of water you burn about 23 calories? That’s a lot.

So, I would recommend you drinking a gallon per day, and be consistent about it.

Now, my GAME CHANGER:

Hey good for you, you stuck to this part! So, as promised I am going to reveal the program that I did about a year ago that made me lose 50 lbs in 2 months without starving myself!

Most products or services out there will not keep the fat you lost “off” if you know what I mean. And that’s a bummer because the worst feeling is ending up back at square one. I’ve been there before, and you probably have too. So I understand you.

But imagine if you could lose weight fast and effectively without starving yourself?

How amazing would it be if you could enjoy your favorite foods and still see progress? And more importantly: imagine if you could do all those things and not gain back the pounds you lost?

How cool would all that be?

There are programs out there that focus on creating customized meal plans for you based on:

what you love eating, so you’ll love your diet

goal weight, so you’ll meet your goal weight

Daily activity levels, so you don’t need to be exercising daily if you don’t want to

overall lifestyle so that you don’t have to change your daily life

There are no supplements or exercise needed. However, if you have an active lifestyle or follow any light to moderate physical activity, you’ll lose way more weight.

And those services will be effective for you because they only make minor changes to your diet. Plus since you won’t need to change your lifestyle, it will work long-term for you.

Well I have used such a program to lose weight, and I lost over 50lbs in about 2 months, and I would lose a lot of weight daily. Imagine seeing progress every day! No better feeling.

Now you have 2 options if this interests you:

Go to a dietitian and ask them to come up with a custom meal plan for you. This is great, but quite expensive: $100 per session plus $400 for check-ins and updates.

Check out the program that I have linked below, which does exactly the same things but at a fraction of this price, so you’ll save a lot of money and time.

If this interests you, grab yourself a custom keto diet plan right here for a discounted price.

Click the link, watch the introductions video, take the quiz that will serve to customize your meal plan, sign up and receive it as soon as you are done.

No subscription, keep your meal plan for life!

If you do the program seriously, it will be a huge game-changer and you will lose weight way before summer begins.

[jj-lynn21]

THE CLUB starring Bill Skarsgard as William Casik 4

Warnings: fluff, angst, smut, f-bombs

Notes: dream board is my creation, but some pictures are curtesy of @Billofourtime and Tim Richardson for Número Art (2019).

ch 1 ch 2 ch 3 ch5 ch 6 ch 7  ch 8 ch 9 ch 10

Alice wouldn’t take another chance until college. It took months of William just talking to her in a back-corner booth at the local bar while his friends and hers got closer.  He majored in business but minored in psychology. The way she never looked at a man intrigued him. She loved talking to him about school and her life plans of being a teacher for young children. He was a great listener. 

He didn’t even ask her why she didn’t look at him for six months.  When he finally did, she was drunk enough that night to completely open up to him. She basically told him her life story. Her mom’s warning about men. Her first experience with Roger was hard to share without crying. He listened with no judgement. He liked she was a virgin but didn’t say a thing about that fact.

Another night he had been drinking a little more than usually. He was celebrating an internship for the company he really wanted to work for. “I want to run this company someday. And I would love to be married to you when I do, Alice.”

She looked up at him then. His green eyes so sincere even though he was obviously a little tipsy. The bar cut him and his buddies off. “You really think that William?”

“Yeah, Alice.” William looked down a little embarrassed about his confession. “I mean someday. I’m not proposing tonight or anything like that.”

Bradley yells, “Hey, you got her to look at you. Fucking miracle.”

William glares at him before looking back at Alice, “Sorry Alice. He can be a pretty bad guy sometimes.”

Alice looked down at her drink again clicking the stirrer around the ice cubes with her soda gone.

“Dude, invite her to The Club to meet The Sir,” Bradley laughed wickedly.

“What’s The Club?” Alice asked without looking up at him again.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about Alice.”  William put his hand near hers and she inched hers away. “It’s alright Alice I can go as slow as you need. You don’t have to look at me or touch me but will you dance with me to this last slow song for the evening?”

She bit her lip but decided it was ok. So, they got up to move to Ed Sheeran Perfect.  . They didn’t touch at all that night or the next weekend all the friends got together but eventually she leaned against his chest. He didn’t do anything more than sway with her until she eased her arms around him a few months later. He gently held her back. She looked at him as they talked completely comfortable.  He took her on a few dates before kissing her softly. It spooked her a little, so he pulled away quickly. By their college graduation, him from business school and her elementary education, he was so in love with her, he proposed and she accepted.

Their wedding was a beautiful huge affair with family and friends.  On their wedding night as the sunset in the bay window of the beach house he rented in Hawaii she slowly nervously undid her silky white robe a friend had packed for her. She didn’t dare wear the lingerie that was supposed to be under it. Instead she was completely naked for her new husband. He laid under the sheet naked with his hand out for her to come to him. She did.

He made sure to lube his protection they decided was the right thing to use. “Its alright sweet girl. Its only going to feel like this the first time. You will enjoy it later, I promise.”

She took a deep breath, “Its our wedding night. This is just for you love. Its always going to be all for you.”

He didn’t realize how much she really meant that. She could never relax to enjoy sex. She just always wanted him to cum quickly and get off her. It was frustrating to him most of the time, but he thought with patience he could get her out of her head. Get her Mom’s words out of her head long enough for her to cum and feel how good sex could be for her to. He had the patience of a Saint.  

It had only been eleven months since they got married and he did get her to agree three days a week they could have sex if neither of them was tired. But the fact was most Tuesdays and Thursdays one or both of them were tired. Sometimes even Saturdays. And William never pushed her into something she wasn’t at least partly ready for. Because he did love her.

He thought she loved him. But with hormones raging. Not really thinking straight with the cramps she was having, and the thoughts of how disgusting she was to humanity when her curse was in full force, she kicked him out.

She regretted it the moment she came to her senses waking up alone on the couch. She shivered. If he was there, he would have put a blanket over her. Or just carried her to bed tucking her in nice and snug. But she had kicked out the only person who really ever seem to think about her before themselves. She started to cry again as she called his cellphone and left a message.

         “I’m so sorry William. Please come home when your meeting is over. Don’t           stay in New York longer than you really need to. I love you. And I need                 you. And I want to learn to do better if you are willing to teach me slowly.             I want to enjoy things more with you. Fuck, what people might say. You               heard me say it and I mean it. If I don’t hear from you, I’m coming there.

Maybe the F-bomb was still her hormones doing the talking for her. But it felt strangely liberating. Oh shit, Alice thought. I just said fuck on a fucking recording. She giggled like a twelve-year-old just leaning the word. I’d be fucking fired if the school heard me use such language. She giggled louder. It echoed through the house.

She tried to call William again. He didn’t answer because he wasn’t really there completely anymore. She didn’t know anything about his other self. Or the club that he enjoyed letting his alter ego let loose in a few times a year before they were married. He pushed the agony down deep. Now that he let this part of himself free again could he ever subdue him again?

She tidied up the house until she was so exhausted, she fell asleep. She slept twelve hours waking with a new-found vigor and excitement deep down. Alice called William again. He still didn’t answer so she left another message.

      “I hope you have time to play because I’m ready for some fun.”

When Alice hung-up  her cheeks flared red with embarrassment. Her skin flushed. She laughed so hard at the flirty nature of the message. She thought maybe she should call back, so she didn’t sound like some little whore. Then decide the tone was fine for a married couple. She needed to loosen up. She needed to enjoy their marriage more. There was nothing wrong with wanting him.

Like really wanting him. She thought about how his hands would try to run down her body over her ass before she would remove them because it only made her more frustrated. But maybe if she let him. Maybe if she could relax enough to let him, she couldn’t think of a term. But she knew her best friend Molly enjoyed sex. Molly was an escort that sometimes slept with her clients for a little extra cash. She had sex with Roger before graduation and a few times after but somehow, she didn’t care about the reputation it brought her. Just that it brought her pleasure.  

That is how Alice wanted to be for William. She packed her bags as she made a reservation for New York. She called the hotel to make plans to stay there also. She thought it was only sensible to have a separate room from him incase he really didn’t want her there. He hadn’t answered the phone.

But The Sir side of him had gotten her messages. He especially enjoyed listen to the second one when she said she wanted to play and have some fun. He might indulge her for a bit until she begged him to stop. To never come near her again. He smirked as he thought of the fun he could have getting her to cum over and over when she never felt that before. William never gave her what she truly needed, But he would. 

[actuallyrandomperson]

I wanna ramble about how I experience dysphoria as a genderfluid person for a bit, and my identity in general, so I figured Tumblr was a good place to do it.

So, for starters, I should probably clarify how I'm fluid, as all of us are a little different in how we experience gender. I was assigned female at birth, and, to be completely honest, I wish I was amab. This shocks some people, especially as I tend to sit on the female/demigirl/nonbinary side of things, but it's true. Realistically, I know my life would be a lot different if I had been, and I would have experienced a different set of struggles, but in an idealistic world, where nothing would change about me except the way my body looked and what pronouns were used for me, I'd want to be assigned male. I could not care less what genitals I have, especially since I'm ace so it has no real effect on how I'm gonna live my life, this relates back to the two other most obvious issues with being afab: Periods, and boobs.

I hate getting my period. As most people do. I don't even have particularly painful ones, just some semi-bad cramps on the first day or two, but I hate it anyway. 9 times out of 10 I'm non-binary on the first day of my period. Whether that's related to hormone levels or some subconscious part of my brain whispering "hey periods suck being a girl sucks why were u born a girl", I do not know. I just know it happens.

I also hate my boobs whenever I'm not female. Including when I'm demigirl. I don't hate the idea of boobs in general when I'm demigirl, and don’t think I need to be completely flat-chested to feel happy when I’m non-binary (but that could come back to me doubting I’ll get fully flat without surgery), I just hate my boobs. That is because I am incredibly busty, especially for someone who is 5'1/155 cm tall. I'm an Aus 10G/US 32I, I have small shoulders (my straps slip down no matter how tight we pull them), and a large part of what made figuring out my gender identity hell was the constant question of whether me hating my boobs was an ace thing (not wanting to be constantly sexualised) or a gender thing. My best fitting bra actually helped me figure that out, as reportedly it made me look smaller (i.e. technically less likely to be sexualised) but it had the side benefit of making my boobs, well, actually look like boobs, and when I looked at myself in the mirror I wanted to claw my eyes out. So. 90% of the time I hate my boobs because they're so big, and 100% of the time I hate my period.

You might be sitting here, reading this, and going "but Em, are you sure you're genderfluid? Not just demigirl or nonbinary or agender or any of the other non-binary identities?" My answer to that is, well, sorta no. And sorta yes. No, in the fact that I've never been sure about anything in my life. Maybe time will go on, and I'll begin to identify with some other label, or no labels at all. Yes, in the fact that genderfluid feels right right now, and that's all that matters. Humans change. In turn, labels can change too. Hell, as a genderfluid person, my labels technically change on almost a day to day basis! That doesn't make my feelings and my identity at any single moment any less valid. It also doesn't mean that long term, I'll wake up one day and realise that I actually just identify with x gender. It just means that it could happen, and that’s ok, just as it's okay that my identity is changing constantly at the moment. Side note, while we're talking about labels- you also don't need to identify with one! I personally like to use them, as they bring me comfort, but everyone is different, and y'all who choose not to use labels for whatever reasons are entirely valid.

I have 4 main types of day, gender-wise. Days where I feel like a girl, days where I feel kinda like a girl, days where I feel non-binary, and days where my gender is that 'women' shrugging emoji (that I use all the time because long hair babeyyyy also their shirt is purple on iOS and purple rules). Day 4 I mostly lump under demigirl, as with day 2. Day 3 could probably be most accurately described with agender, or a similar identity label, but I find it personally easiest to just refer to myself as non-binary on said days.

In a hard to explain way, I feel as though I experience less dysphoria on days where I am demigirl than on days where I am fully female. This is not entirely accurate, and is almost certainly as a result of me having unintentionally put in place coping mechanisms for said days in terms of how I present myself for years now, and probably isn’t the right terms for me to use, but it's true.

You see, I dress in a fairly gender-neutral way. My presentation has still always come off as feminine, as I love my long hair and enjoy nail polish, but I've always hated shaving, and I avoid wearing dresses and skirts as much as possible in my day-to-day. I don't mind wearing dresses etc when I'm demigirl, I just don't gravitate towards them, and when I'm demigirl I generally present as a not-overly feminine girl whose a little uncomfortable with their body shape and likes to be comfy, and wears heels in an effort to be taller rather than as a fashion statement.

But when I'm fully a girl, I often love being feminine. I usually want to wear dresses/skirts, and jewellery, and lipstick (not any other makeup though, years of dance and stage makeup ruined me- if someone puts it on for me and it's not heavy/powdery I'm not actively adverse, though), and have my hair braided, and generally just to Get Prettied Up. But that’s not 'me' to other people. That’s not the person I've presented myself as for years. I've spent my entire life catering to my demigirl and non-binary days because they're more common, and whenever I do lean into my feminine self on girl days my family and a lot of my friends are kinda surprised. I wore lipstick and nice clothes to two separate movie hangouts with two different friends, and one of them (who I hadn't seen in a while, to be fair) commented on how it was unusual for me while the other looked visibly surprised. It's not a coincidence that the two irl people I'm out to outside of my schools lgbt+ club are my brother and my best friend- both of whom complimented me (in a non-creepy way with my brother slvjfk) when they saw me wear lipstick for simple things last year, without making a big deal out of it. My mum still acts shocked and gets excited about me being feminine when I express an interest into buying clothes from a particular brand (Princess Highway/Dangerfield in general, for my fellow Aussies, as I don’t think they exist in the US) even though I've been getting presents from there for a few years now. She's talked about slowly starting to replace my clothes with 'fashionable stuff' from places like Dangerfield as the years go on now that I've 'expressed an interest in nice clothes' and I feel anxiety start to ball up in my stomach, because I don't want to wear fashionable clothes all the time, because fashionable for me, closeted and big-chested as I am, means feminine. When I present or show interest in presenting in a more feminine way on my female days, my mother and a few people I'm surrounded by unintentionally make me feel guilty about not wishing to present like that all the time, make my dysphoric for my future and past self, and make me doubt myself as a genderfluid person because I wish to present as my birth gender on one day.

So rather than dealing with all that, I don't present in a more feminine way unless I'm going out, and even then, avoid wearing lipstick if my mum is home, or coming with me. If I can, I'll stick a tube into my bag to apply when I get to wherever I'm going, but it's not always possible. I have Safiya Nygaard’s colourpop collection hidden away in my room. I continue to present myself in a way that aligns more closely in my mind to my demigirl days, with the slight change of being able to actually look at myself in the mirror for extended periods of time, being ok with my slightly more tight-fitting tops, and being chill with wearing my best bra. And I feel, as a whole, dysphoric on these days. I am not happy with how my gender presentation is, because it does not reflect how I want to present. Dysphoria is probably not the exact right term to use to describe these feelings, given I'm afab but it is the easiest way for me to put it, as it most closely reflects the unhappiness I feel with my presentation on my non-binary days, it's just my non-binary days come with a whole lot more body-related dysphoria piled on top. A song I like to listen to on female days is Platform Ballerinas, by MIKA, as it helps remind me that I am a girl, and the way I'm presenting as a girl is valid even if it's not exactly how I want to (it doesn't actually fully come back to societal expectations placed on women because I might shave my armpits but my leg hair still stays, and I genuinely want to get prettied up rather than feeling like I should to be seen as a girl, it's just something I want to do and not being able to makes me feel whack, but the song is definitely more focused on the whole 'societal expectations suck y'all are all valid' thing).

Non-binary days suck in the same way I've heard a lot of trans people of all varieties discuss. I hate walking past mirrors, if I have to wear feminine clothing for whatever reason I feel like I'm going to cry, she/her pronouns kinda make me want to die (generally I'm chill with she/they, and on female days they/them is okay, but she/her on nonbinary days makes my dysphoric as hell), and I generally Do Not Have A Great Time dysphoria wise. But hey, one day I’ll have enough money for a binder. Eventually. I always feel weird about entering giveaways given there are people who experience extreme dysphoria around their chest every day, I can deal on my demigirl days and survive on my non-binary ones.

So, that’s been me rambling into the void about gender for almost 2000 words, how are y’all doing? Also, if anyone actually read all of this I’d appreciate like,,, a like. Or something. I kinda want to know if people have actually seen and read this.

[la-fille-en-aiguilles]

The Beautiful & Damned (6/7)

Female Reader x Young!Remus Lupin | Female Reader x Young!Sirius Black

Chapter 6: Selflessness and Camaraderie, That Know No Bounds

A/N: And we are nearing the end, my loves. The thought kind of saddens me, but I am also beyond happy for the warm reception this story got. Thank you very much, it’s you who kept me writing into the night these past weeks! 

Also, I know that maybe Minnie’s a tad too merciful in this part. Let’s just say she loves them boys as much as we do, ‘kay? :) 

As always, please enjoy!

New to the series? - Accio Chapter 1: The Golden Couple - Accio Chapter 2: No, Definitely - Accio Chapter 3: Misread - Accio Chapter 4: Bravado Falls - Accio Chapter 5: Marauders to the Rescue

Not to brag, but you were always considered quite an accomplished speaker. 

Everyone who knew you - even superficially - were quick to realize: that pretty little face of yours came with a tongue so sharp it cut like a Sectumsempra charm. 

Almost never rude (only if the situation really called for it), usually calm & always very clear, you could be very persuasive, be it with the girls that you shared your dorm room with, or with your professors when they made mistakes, correcting your essays. 

You nearly always managed to talk Sirius Let’s-Throw-A-Bloody-Tantrum Black out of whatever adventure he had decided to go on, for Godric’s Sake, - that should have meant something, right?…

Right?… 

Yet despite your gift of the gab, all the hints and nearly blatant dismissal, this blockhead of a Slytherin Penn Parkinson just didn’t seem to get the message. 

“Hey Y/N,” he came all the way to where you were sitting at the Gryffindor Table - and judging from his expression, for that strenuous effort on his part alone, you should have jumped his bones. “Lookin’ good, poppet, as usual”. 

The chatter and the laughter, echoing across the Great Hall, watered down significantly as Parkinson pushed his way onto the seat just across from you, nearly knocking your interlocutor, Xenophilius Lovegood, on the floor. 

“Get the fuck out of my way, you freak!” Parkinson barked, before turning back to you with a self-adoring smirk.  

Narrowing your eyes at the Slytherin, you exhaled slowly, trying to keep your composure with every bit of self-control that was left in you. After the emotional rollercoaster that Remus Lupin had put you through last week, your patience were wearing real thin. The amount of anger and bitterness you were able to take on up to this very moment was truly sensational in its proportions; it would have sufficed a minor failure in one of your classes for your self-composure to burst at the seams. 

Luckily, Penn Parkinson and his gigantic ego happened first. 

You didn’t want anyone to get wrong ideas - some of the most brilliant and sharp-witted wizards whose company you truly enjoyed were proud Slytherins. It’s the odd specimen like Parkinson, Crabbe, Goyle and Malfoy, to name a few, that were responsible for the not-so-likeable reputation of the house. None of the dignities common to human behaviour seemed to cross the skies of those four, clouded thick with judgmental exclamations and selfishness, that in truth, you knew, were the manifestations of the inferiority complex. 

Remus is nothing like that. The thought electrocuted your brain like a bolt of lightening, coming out of nowhere. 

Focus, you scolded yourself, staring at Parkinson, unblinking. 

“I strongly suggest that you apologize, Penn,” your voice came out smooth and levelled, and you mentally patted yourself on the back. “And then feel free to get the hell out of my sight”. 

Woahs and Ohs resonated in the air all around you, as the three of you instantly became the center of everyone’s attention. Staring daggers at Parkinson, from the corner of your eye you saw Lovegood give the people around you an awkward smile, as if apologising for the commotion that he thought he caused. That look on his face, the fact that he thought that he was the one that had to apologise, made you see red. 

“Oh come on, poppet, don’t be such a prude, that’s a major turn-off”, the second the words left Parkinson’s lips, you knew where you were going to spend the rest of your evenings - scratching those nasty cauldrons in Slughorn’s class clean during eternal detention - yet nothing could stop you now. “‘sides, you better learn how to choose friends properly - first that gutless Lupin, now this loony Lovegood…”

Parkinson didn’t know what hit him. The thump with which his body landed on the ground was ear-splitting, the echo of the Petrificus Totalus curse whispering to the walls of the Great Hall until it was interrupted by a reverberating exclamation. 

“Bloody hell, that was hot!…” 

Standing over the table and Parkinson’s stupefied form behind it, you instantly reacted to the Potter’s outburst, turning your head. The pang of pain pierced your heart so deep you almost sat back down. 

Peter, James and Sirius were staring at you with their eyes alight; but the way Remus looked at you, standing in between long tables, several feet away!… The way every woman wanted to be looked at by a man. Admiration, awe and you could swear on it, deep affection coloured his eyes vivid greenish-brown, soft yet burning, it almost hurt to watch. 

Remus had always been a huge mystery to you, that you would kill to spend your life unraveling. He always looked sleepy, soft and innocent, but Merlin knows more than half of the legendary Marauder pranks were based on his ideas. He had always been the shy non-talkative one in the crowd of people, but whenever he told a joke or shot a witty comment at them, the entire room burst out laughing. Too self-conscious, Remus refused to acknowledge just how many girls and boys were secretly pining for him and his melancholic kind of vibe, his smile that held a sort of surprise in it, like a warm day in the middle of December. 

From the moment you first laid your eyes on him you wanted nothing more than to become his friend. When he first shared his chocolate with you during one of your study sessions, Sirius couldn’t hear the end of it till the day Remus allowed you to steal food from his plate. You honestly thought Sirius would kill you for your constant blabber, or rat you out to Moony at the very least, but he never did such a thing. 

Then at the end of last year, Padfoot told you that young Lupin might fancy you. You laughed out loud in his face, thinking he was doing the best friend’s job of trying to comfort you in the time of need. Over the days, he insisted, again and again that Remus carried a torch for you, and that “the signs were obvious”. You begged him not to probe, because Sirius was just about as subtle as a mandrake root pulled out of its pot in a library, and as amused as he’d been, he agreed. 

Then you both went to that Ravenclaw party when he whispered the fateful words in your ear: “I told you so”. From that moment on, you couldn’t think of anything but of that young Gryffindor student that carried his scars like flowers, blooming in the sun. 

When you finally worked up the courage to tell him about your feelings, as expected, it turned out a colossal disaster. Everything that could go wrong, went nuclear, and not wanting to reject you in front of everybody, Remus fled, and nipped in the bud every attempt of yours to talk to him afterwards. 

You were confused, angry and disappointed, not only because Sirius turned out to be wrong all along, but also because Remus thought you’d be too of a wimp to take his rejection like a strong, powerful witch that you were. 

And now he just stood there, thunderstruck, looking at you like you were his religion. What the hell was wrong with him?!… The wave of anger rose in your chest again. 

“This is for “the loony Lovegood”, you, revolting parody of a wizard!” you spit in Parkinson’s face, finding an outlet for your exasperation. “This - Locomotor Mortis! - is for the “gutless Lupin”, you bitch”, you watched with a chuckle as Slytherin’s legs locked together, “And this! - Levicorpus! - is for the “poppet”, imbecile!”

“That’s my girl”, you heard Sirius snicker, before the sound of it drowned in the row of applause, cheering and whooping. 

You’d only got a second to admire your handiwork - Parkinson’s numb body hang head-down high above the ground - before the Marauders nearly jumped you, their grins encircling you. 

Peter chirped compliments like a little bird, Sirius and James, with their heads thrown back, laughed rowdily, with pretty wrinkles in the corners of their eyes…

Everything around you disappeared the moment Remus’ captivating eyes caught yours.

“Merlin’s beard, Y/N, you are… out of this world,” he spoke softly, his face inches away, chocolate on his breath making your mouth water.

It took you a minute to deal with your hormones, as you gazed at him blankly, your face unreadable. With the ability to speak, came the desire to shout, adrenaline still coursing through your veins. 

“Oh, so now you want to talk to me?!” you flared up, anger eating at you like fire at a piece of parchment paper. “Enough people for you here, Moony?”

“Y/N…” Remus face fell, his big beautiful eyes full of repentance. “Please, let me explain…”

“I don’t need your explanations,” your voice was dripping with almost tangible hurt. “I’m not an idiot, you know, I actually have a brain!” Remus made you lose control, and while you could deal with the outbursts of hurt, affection or lust in the past, you’d seemed to have reached your limit. “You could have told me! You could have just told me you didn’t like me in that way, it would have been okay. I respect your feelings, Remus, you shouldn’t have to love me back! We could have….”

The rest of your thoughts died on Moony’s mouth as it captured yours. Your body reacted to him instantly and naturally: you found the bitterness of coffee dozing on his lips, as if they’d never been away. Your entire body seemed to reconnect to every inch of his, your fingertips relishing every long, lean line of his back, the broad expanse of his shoulders… In his arms, you were home.  

“I know we have a lot to discuss,” he murmured against your lips, his silk eyelashes caressing your skin. “I want you to know that I loved you since I met you, and…”

You didn’t let him finish, resuming the kiss - you already knew what he had to say, because you felt the exact same way. At this point, words were superfluous. 

What you didn’t know however, was that Remus had finally realised what made you so special. What made people want to be around you, talk to you, hear your laugh.  It was, indeed, your dazzling beauty. Beauty, that came from within. 

“…Is that…. Is that Mr. Parkinson?!” the crowd of students who hated the Slytherin and his idiotic gang started to quickly thin out the moment they spotted Professor McGonagall making her way to the place of public hanging. She now stood side by side with James and Sirius, their eyes still glued to Penn. 

“Why yes, professor,” Prongs agreed proudly. “In the flesh. Or should I say in the air?…”

Potter and Black exchanged glances, grinning wide. Unfazed by their antics, McGonagall raised both of her hands and slapped them both lightly on the back of their heads.

“I am very disappointed in you, Mr. Potter!” she announced, producing the wand from her robes and slowly bringing Parkinson’s numb body to the ground. Sirius opened his mouth in order to ask why the hell wasn’t she disappointed in him, when she cut him a stern look from the corner of her eye. 

“Don’t even get me started on you, Mr. Black. I suggest you move your possessions to Professor Slughorn’s bureau, with your troublemaking habits you might as well start living there!” Sirius bit his bottom lip hard and turned away. 

“Professor McGonnagal!” upon hearing Minerva’s voice, you untangled yourself from Remus (with great effort!), and hurried to where she stood, Remus hot in your tracks. “They didn’t curse Penn, Ma’am… I tried to get him to apologize… It was…”

“Me, Professor,” with his chest puffed out, Remus stepped in front of you readily, facing Minerva. You couldn’t help but gasp at his boldness, grabbing his arm instinctively in an attempt to pull him back. 

“Rubbish!…” you exclaimed, trying to attract McGonnagal’s attention, and for a brief moment you did. She lowered her stare, studying you scrupulously. Just when you were about to elaborate, James bloody Potter had to intervene: 

“Oh come on, Remus, Y/N’s right. Quit showing off,” you half expected him to stick his tongue out at Lupin, but luckily, he must have had a change of heart under Minerva’s piercing stare. “I was the one who Petrificus Total’ed the Slytherin baboon, Professor. The evidence is there!” he shook frantically the wand he produced from his robes. When James Potter set his mind on something, it was a losing game to try and fight him on whatever it was. “Had you heard the way he talked to Y/N and Xenophilius, you would have done much worse! I had to simply content myself with a difficult numbing spell...” In order to appear more convincing, Prongs took on a serious expression and motioned towards the unmoving body. 

“Now, don’t get too excited, Potter,” Sirius huffed. “It was yours truly who locked the legs together… And that my friend, was a far more sophisticated charm!…”

From the scandalised expression on Minerva’s face, you realized you weren’t going to be the only one to be expelled or to spend the rest of your life in detention, and however paradoxical that might have sounded, the thought made you want to smile. Pursuing your lips in order to suppress a laugh, from that moment on, you decided to lay back, relax and watch the show. 

“That is exactly what happened, professor,” Moony nodded, biting his bottom lip, and taking an air of a man who didn’t regret a thing he did and was ready to pay the price for his actions. “And after Sirius finished with him, I Levicorpse’d him for a good measure… But that shouldn’t come as a surprise of course… Since it was my idea to hang the Ravenclaw prefect from the Astronomy Tower”. 

The confession produced such a spectacular effect that James, Sirius, Peter and you gasped collectively this time, both impressed and shocked at Moony’s audacity in the face of the only professor you ever truly respected and, truth be told, feared. 

“I was the one who…” James wanted to soften the blow (or to add to it, with him you never knew), when McGonagall raised one of her hands, effectively shutting him up. 

“Please spare me the details of your heroisms, Mr. Potter. The same goes for the four of you,” she eyed each and every one of you with a very admonishing look. When her gaze rested on you, she continued: 

“Sixty points will be taken from Gryffindor for the dangerous barbarity one of you has committed!” she paused, waving her wand and thus sending the Parkinson’s body to Madame Pomfrey, you presumed. “Whoever it is, he, or she,” she gave you a pointed look, “should consider themselves extremely lucky, for I could have sent them packing. I will be writing to all of your parents tonight!” you bit your lip so hard it hurt, and instantly felt a warm, calloused hand squeeze your own. 

Without even looking to your right, you knew it was Remus. 

“Also, five points will be awarded to Gryffindor,” when all four of you raised your eyes in surprise, you could swear you saw a mischievous glint in Professor’s stare. “For the selflessness and camaraderie, that know no bounds. The four of you will fulfil seven consecutive weeks of evening detentions, which will surely only reinforce the bond you share.” 

And just like that, with the rustle of her robes, McGonnagal walked off, with a barely-there smile on her thin, righteous mouth, that she thought no one would notice. 

But you did, watching her with a bright smile of your own, relishing the warmth’s of Moony’s hand.

Last chapter’s coming soon!

My Beautiful Taglist (please, hit me up should you want to be tagged or untagged): @youkn0wn0thingjonsnow, @yuukiahim, @xapham, @spunkypatterns,  @jackie-houston, @justducky0423, @zakthedrak, @marauder–harder, @davros2004, @firefurr, @heyjess-marie, @kapolisradomthoughts

[marshmallow-phd]

Charming Instruction

Part of The Untamed - EXO Wolf Universe

Genre: Supernatural, Wolf Au

Pairing: Junmyeon x Reader

Summary: You were just an average, everyday college student desperately trying to graduate. Only one more year stood between you and that celebratory walk. However, due to an oversight by your adviser, it seemed that the one class you never wanted to take was required to take that walk. It wasn’t the subject matter that made you uncomfortable. It was the teacher. Your heart sped up every time you saw him and you didn’t want that distraction in your life, attractive or not. With meeting him now an inevitability, you swore that you would keep your hormones in check. But after your first day of class, a series of hi jinks and weird situations lead you to discovering the secret of your professor and why he seemed to bombard your every thought.

Part: 1 I 2 I 3 I 4 I 5 I 6 I 7 I 8 I 9 I 10 I 11 I 12 I 13 I Final

**

This first week of class had been the hardest Junmyeon had ever been through. Even more so than his first semester as a professor at the college. The off days that you weren’t in his class were better than the three days you were in attendance. He didn’t have to calm himself down to be in your presence or worry about losing his train of thought when he spotted you. But that was only two days out of the week. For the Wednesday and Friday that followed, he’d steeled himself up at the beginning of that first class. To his reluctant relief, you sat near the back, far out of his eyesight unless he strained to look for you. It would be easier to avoid your gaze, to not get caught staring at you so far back. Not only did he want to avoid scrutiny and gossip from his students, but he also didn’t want to scare you off.

As under the radar he tried to be with the rest of the pack, he was failing monstrously. For the past week, he’d been avoiding the house, taking the time away from everyone to try and work up a plan. A plan he was still trying to formulate. But everyone had noticed his jumpy and sketchy state. Of course, his constant absence left Kris mostly in charge, but he had a hard time feeling guilty about that. It was about time that Kris got a little taste of the chaos Junmyeon had been dealing with for the past few years on his own.

Coming down the stairs the morning of the second week of class, he overheard Sehun talking to Kris, trying to see if Junmyeon had spilled anything to his fellow leader. But he hadn’t and it hurt Junmyeon to hear the worry in Sehun’s voice.

Kris sighed, “Well, I have no clue. I think you should just give it some time and he’ll-”

Junmyeon stepped into the kitchen, keeping a smile on his face, even if it was fake and forced. “Morning everyone.”

Murmurs of “good mornings” echoed around the room, but no one looked him in the eye. They were trying hard to pretend that everything was normal and that they hadn’t just been talking about him in his absence. It was sweet, if a little useless. Best to not stick around so they could all relax again.

Filling up one of the rarely used thermoses with fresh coffee, he headed for the back door. “I’ll see you guys later.”

Just before he could escape, Sehun called out to him. “Are you going to run with us tonight?”

Junmyeon almost whined. There was so much hope in the youngest member’s voice and he was about to crush it.

“I can’t. I’ve got… other things I’ve got to take care of.” It was a complete lie, but Junmyeon couldn’t chance shifting while his focus was so disorganized. His wolf was strong these days and only his human logic was keeping it at bay. In his other form… there was too great a chance of the wolf taking over completely and he’d shoot off running from the rest of the pack, following his instincts until they led to you. That would be the second least okay thing for him to do.

Today was another day with you in class. Again, you sat all the way in the back. Too far. Too far away from him.

Focus, Junmyeon.

Why did this class have to only be an hour and a half long? As much as it was torture for him, it was also soothing. He knew you were close and he knew you were safe. Not that much could actually happen to you around here. There were no more threats of witches or hybrids as of late. The only difficulties recently were the mates themselves. Really just the inconvenience of them.

Not that you were inconvenient! Not in the slightest!

It was just the situations. Nothing could just be easy in his life, could it?

He nearly laughed at himself, trying to defend his thoughts against an imaginary version of you in head.

The next day, Junmyeon gave up. He still hadn’t been able to come with any solid plan on how to approach you. No one in the pack yet knew about his mate and, well, he figured it was time to tell them anyway.

All the way home, Junmyeon went over how he would approach the subject with his brothers. He could already hear Jongdae and Baekhyun’s laughter ringing in his ears. They were going to have a field day. But Junmyeon was at the end of his rope. He couldn’t just approach you and say, “Hi, I know I’m your teacher, but I’m a werewolf and you’re my mate. Want to go out on a date and get to know each other?”

He banged his head up against the steering wheel. Why was this so hard?

Sighing, he finally got out of the car, bracing himself for the circus to come.

But no one was home.

Concerned, he called Chanyeol, who answered after two rings.

“Hey, hyung!”

“Hey, Chanyeol,” Junmyeon continued to roam the house, scanning for any form of life, “where is everyone?”

“We’re getting pizza!” Chanyeol replied, clearly chowing down on a mouthful of food. “We were going to ask you to come along, but you’d been so busy lately we didn’t think you’d be up for it.”

Junmyeon tried not feel left out. He had been both absent and constantly turning down their offers the past week so he couldn't blame them. Still, pizza sounded really good at the moment.

“Are all of you there?” he asked.

“Everyone but Kris. I sent him a text, but he hasn’t responded.”

“Okay,” Junmyeon sighed, “make sure you all make it home safe.”

“Always do. I think we’ll be heading home here soon.”

“Alright. See ya then.”

With nothing else to do, Junmyeon went upstairs to his room to take a shower. Usually he kept his showers short and conservative, but, being the only one home, he gave himself extra time, letting the water pellet his back and warm his skin. The dotting pattern against his muscles felt good, relieving just the smallest amount of stress.

He felt better after getting out of the shower even if his thoughts were still bouncing around chaotically. Slipping into a simple pair of sweatpants and a tank top, it felt nice to shed the put together appearance of the professor and to just be a guy - a regular guy with no issues, no hidden secrets, and no facade to keep in tact.

Heading back down the stairs, it seemed one person had come home. Junmyeon caught the tail end of Kris’ call for anyone who might be around.

“No one’s home,” he answered, entering the kitchen. In front of Kris he didn’t feel the need to keep up the happy face. “They all went out for pizza a few hours ago. Chanyeol said he texted you.”

Kris pulled out his phone and frowned at the screen. He just shrugged, turning his attention back to Junmyeon after slipping the phone back into his pocket. “What’s going on with you?”

Now faced with the chance to answer, he didn’t know how to let it out. Instead, he just shuffled his bare feet over to the breakfast booth and collapsed down in it, sighing.

His fellow leader sat down across from him. “Junmyeon?”

Looking up, that’s when Junmyeon finally noticed the familiar conflicted look in Kris’ own eye. “You don’t look much better.”

Kris scoffed. “Yeah. I just got the surprise of my life today.”

Junmyeon raised an eyebrow. “Oh, yeah? I bet I can beat it with what happened to me last week.”

That just made Kris smirk as he leaned back in the chair. “Really? Fine. We’ll say it at the same time and see who wins.”

Junmyeon couldn’t believe he was laughing at the moment, but the situation was too hilarious not to. “Alright. Deal.”

Kris held a hand up along with three fingers that went down with the numbers. “Three. Two. One.”

“I found my mate.” “I found my mate.”

Junmyeon felt his jaw drop. That was not what he was expecting from Kris. Far from it. “Well,” he gulped, “this is quite the development.

“Yeah,” Kris half-laughed, half-scoffed, “you got that right.”

Before either of them could elaborate on their confessions, tell-tale stomps echoed off the floor and walls and ten young wolves came clopping into the kitchen.

At first, they were all normal, putting each other in choke holds and dodging punches as they loudly and happily chatted about nothing. Then they all noticed the not-so-cheerful looks on their alphas’ faces and the silence was immediate.

Pushing his way to the front, Minseok looked at them back and forth. “Anything you guys want to share?”

Being quicker than him, Kris waved at Junmyeon. “You first.”

Traitor. Junmyeon dropped his face into his folded arms on the table and groaned.

“Junmyeon?” Sehun called out. “You said that everything was fine.”

And there’s the guilt trip.

Sitting back up, Junmyeon looked to them. “Technically, everything is fine. It's just….”

“Junmyeon found his mate,” Kris finished for him.

Junmyeon shot him a dirty look.

“Shouldn’t you be happier about that?” Chanyeol asked innocently.

“Yes, well,” he cleared his throat. “It’s complicated.”

“Isn’t it always?” Tao snorted.

“Maybe we can help?” Yixing offered.

Exhaling deeply, Junmyeon shook his head. “I’m not sure exactly how you’d be able to help. You see… she’s….” Junmyeon braced himself for the worst. “She’s one of my students.”

At first, there was nothing but stunned silence. And then the howling hit.

It was loud and thunderous, coming from only four of the members, but their volume was enough to make up for the rest of the quiet, open-mouthed pack.

Jongdae and Baekhyun were holding onto each other as they struggled to breathe. Chanyeol was doing his usual full body laugh, at first slapping Kyungsoo on the shoulder before earning a death glare and moving on to Tao, who was giving off his signature high cackle. Even Kris was struggling a bit with holding back his laughter, lips pressed together and avoiding Junmyeon’s gaze.

Feeling a bit like a child, Junmyeon pointed to Kris. “He found his mate, too.”

Once again, silence over took the room.

“Kris?” Luhan gasped. “Are you serious?”

The other alpha shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “Yeah….”

That really shocked the pack. Junmyeon had wanted to find his mate, but Kris had made it very clear that he was perfectly fine on his own. There was a running bet that Kris would be dead last in finding his mate. Looks like some people would be paying up here soon.

Tao frowned. “Who is she?”

“She’s….” Kris stared down at his folded hands on the table, “an old childhood friend.”

“How is that possible?” Baekhyun asked. “Wouldn’t you have known she was your mate back then and never have- ow!”

Kyungsoo had elbowed Baekhyun before he could finish that train of thought. A few other members shot Baekhyun dirty looks out of the corners of their eyes. Better to keep those memories in the past where they belonged.

“You don’t feel the mate pull until after you’ve shifted for the first time,” Junmyeon explained. “Considering Kris moved here before he ever had his first transformation, I’m assuming she was from your hometown?”

Kris nodded, still keeping his gaze down.

“Wow,” Minseok mused, “so Kris has it really easy, huh?”

“Not exactly,” Kris countered. He tapped his index finger on the table. “She’s engaged.”

Junmyeon nearly choked. “W-what?”

“Yup.”

Junmyeon now didn’t seem to be in that bad of a situation anymore. At least you seemed to be on your own. Granted, he wasn’t completely sure about that, but there wasn’t a ring on your finger, at least.

“I’m suddenly thankful for the witches,” Jongdae commented.

“At least Lanie was just stubborn,” Chanyeol added.

“Good luck with that, ge-ge,” Tao saluted. “Better you than me!” He disappeared up the stairs, still laughing to himself. Kris definitely wasn’t going to let that slide.

It didn’t take long for the others to disperse, murmuring clearly among themselves. A majority of the boys headed out the back door to go for a run, not bothering to invite the two of them along. Junmyeon didn’t stop them either. Luhan and Minseok were going with them so they shouldn’t get into too much trouble. Hopefully.

A hiker had spotted the group from afar just a few weeks ago. Nothing to worry about really, but Junmyeon preferred for them to go completely unseen.

“Life’s pretty screwed up, isn’t it?” Kris chuckled.

Junmyeon nodded in agreement. “I just wish it would be nice to us for once.”

**

“You need to stop freaking out,” Gemma chastised for the millionth time. “He’s just your teacher.”

“Her teacher that is smoking hot and makes her heart thump,” Cam snickered.

From your spot on the couch, you threw a pillow at Cam. It was a pathetic throw and she blocked it with her arm easily.

Tomorrow was the first time you’d have to hand in a paper for class and Professor Kim apparently wasn’t very uptodate on the twenty-first century. While every other teacher had students hand in papers through the school’s site electronically, Professor Kim insisted on them being hand delivered on paper... in class.

The paper was written, printed, and carefully placed inside your bag for the next day, but you were still freaking out. You were going to have to walk up to him and somehow hand in the paper without turning red or freaking out in any way. Any visible way, that is.

“I don’t get why you’re making such a big deal out of this,” Gemma added, flopping down sideways on the matching gray loveseat. “Plenty of students have had a crush on Professor Kim. It’s nothing new.”

“I know,” you groaned. “I just- I can’t explain it. I just freak out whenever he’s near.”

“Look, (y/n),” Cam was suddenly serious, giving you a pitiful look, “I get that ever since freshman year you think all guys are scum-”

“That is not true!” you countered. “I know that there are nice guys out there! One relationship with a jerk has not made me think that all men are horrible. I just realized that having a relationship is a big distraction. My grades tanked and I was barely able to save them before the end of the semester. It wasn’t worth it. I refuse to get any more attachments like that. I’ll love you guys forever, but I don’t need anyone else trying to convince me to stay.”

“We love you, too, but you are still blowing this little crush out of proportion,” Gemma laughed. “Just hand the damn paper in and leave it at that.”

You opened your mouth to argue, but stopped. Maybe you really were blowing this up more than it was. Crushes were fine to have. Your heart could use the exercise, the occasional rise in beats per minute. Wasn’t that kind of blood pumping good for you?

Why were you freaking out like this? Why couldn’t you just be normal?

The next morning, you were completely calm going into class. Okay, “completely” was a bit of a stretch, you were much better than you had been last night. Walking into class, you even took the brave step to sit more towards the middle of the lecture hall, more in the line of Professor Kim’s eyesight.

Yes, you could do this.

Professor Kim also noticed your new seat, his eyes flickering towards you every few minutes. It sent your heart into a frenzy, but you simply repeated to yourself that it meant nothing and you just needed to focus on the lecture.

You made it to the end of class, very proud of yourself indeed. Almost right after you were all dismissed, your phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey!” Cam greeted on the other end of the phone. “Have you seen my my packet for biology?”

Your mind now on a single track, you packed up your things and headed out of the hall. “No, I don’t think so.”

“Are you sure?” she whined. “I can’t find it and the last thing I remember was printing it off on our printer last night, but now I can’t find it.”

Outside, you stopped, wedging the phone between your ear and shoulder as you looked through your bag for any sign of Cam’s packet. Then you saw your paper.

“Shit!”

“What is it?” Cam asked.

You whimpered. “I forgot to turn in my paper! I’m sorry, Cam, but I’ll look for your packet a little more in a bit, I have to catch Professor Kim!”

Hanging up, you didn’t give Cam a chance to say goodbye as you ran back to the lecture hall. It was completely empty of students or the professor alike. Groaning, you pulled out your syllabus to get Professor Kim’s office number before taking off in that direction. Hopefully, he’d still accept the paper since now it was technically late.

The door was shut when you arrived, but the light was on, shining through the cracks around the frame. Lifting your hand to knock, you froze when you heard voices inside.

“I hardly need your style of expertise, Baekhyun,” Professor Kim grumbled. The name sounded familiar to you, although you couldn’t place where it’d be from in your consciousness.

“Okay, fine,” the one you assumed was Baekhyun huffed. “Moving on, are you going to run with us tonight?”

“Yes, I’ll be there tonight.”

“Good. It’s about time you started stretching your paws again.”

Paws? What the heck was that supposed to mean?

“My paws are just fine, thank you. But I have missed running with you guys.”

“Of course you have,” Baekhyun scoffed. “Us wolves have to stick together. Isolating yourself isn’t in our nature.”

You swallowed back a gasp. W-wolves? Their nature?

There was no way he was alluding to what you thought he was… right?

People who could turn into wolves didn’t exist. Those were just stories. A section of your class that you would be covering in a few weeks. A fairytale, folklore. There was no such thing as werewolves. And your professor certainly wasn’t one.  

“As a leader of the pack,” Professor Kim chuckled, “I think I understand that a little better than anyone.”

Your heart was about to jump out of your chest. Needing to get out of there and find a rational explanation for what you just heard, you shoved your paper into the mail slot next to the door and took off down the hall.

What the hell was going on at this college?

[ladywithoutababy]

Some Things I Bought to Prepare for IVF (and also, how my day was today)

I’ve been collecting blogs, social media accounts, and podcasts that talk about IVF in a way that is encouraging and not depressing (there aren’t many - big surprise!!) and one of my favorites is this Build a Baby Instagram account that’s run by a friend of a friend. I like it because it’s a totally contained (and pretty concise) start-to-finish success story that documents every single step of the process, in a way that actually prepares you for what to expect and doesn’t gloss over the messy details (or messy feelings).

I also like it because she includes lots of product recommendations! Here’s some things I bought to prepare for what will surely be the longest and most uncomfortable month of my life (or at least the first in a series of many long and uncomfortable months):

An IVF coloring book and some nice colored pencils that you don’t have to resharpen, because I am starting to understand what it will be like to be sober, hormonal, and alternately in either physical or emotional pain throughout this process and I am allowed to COLOR sometimes if I FEEL LIKE IT.

A book about infertility that was actually written by someone who had infertility, and after a quick flip through the pages seems like exactly the kind of pissed off, no-bullshit take I’m looking for. I think I will read this over the holidays. You know, for a nice stress-free break from the raging emotions of a week spent out of town with family. Yeah. That’ll be good.

A cute little piglet to live in my freezer and reduce the pain during and after the many injections I will be giving myself and/or receiving. Apparently one of the IVF injections a) is made from the urine of post-menopausal women, maybe nuns, accounts differ on that, and b) stings and is horribly painful. The piglet might help slightly!

A new heating pad, because my period is suddenly debilitatingly painful when it shows up these days, and god dammit I’ve earned an upgrade from my generic Walgreens heating pad to Wirecutter’s top choice.

So yeah, I feel prepared. I guess it also might be worth mentioning that as part of my accepting-that-IVF-is-coming tour, I had an appointment with my Ob/Gyn this morning. I haven’t seen her since she first recommended I pursue fertility treatment, almost a year ago. She’s the best doctor ever, and when she walked in she asked me how everything is going given where we left things off the last time I came in. I immediately started crying (which is becoming My Brand, so maybe I should just embrace it) and told her how this year has gone. I also told her some weird things that have been happening recently which made me worried that maybe I have endometriosis, including:

those pesky cramps, which used to be minor for me and now require laying down for 2 hours with a heating pad before I can move

my period used to be 5 days long and now is 4 days long

last week I had exactly 3 days of light bleeding, exactly when implantation bleeding would normally occur if you’re pregnant, but then I got my period, so clearly not pregnant

She's pretty sure I don’t have endometriosis (interestingly, she thinks those first two changes are related to some relatively, uh, disruptive life changes I’ve had this year). But more importantly, she’s pretty sure I was pregnant last week. And when I thought about it, I realized that I don’t think this is the first time this has happened. So now our theory is that I actually have probably gotten “a little pregnant”, maybe more than once, in the last 3 years. She said there’s all kinds of things that can go wrong at the implantation step and cause a super early miscarriage, usually related to genetic problems. I googled this, and holy shit here’s an article that claims that 80% of pregnancies are lost in the first trimester??? Which I guess tracks, because she said that 30-50% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage (which certainly sounds right given all the miscarriages I’ve heard about in the past couple of years), and that’s just pregnancies that get far enough along for people to acknowledge. Anyway, that article also includes a bunch of genetic problems, one of which I assume I have.

It’s reassuring in a way because I feel like this validates what I’ve been saying for the past three years, which is that THE PROBLEM ISN’T THAT I’M JUST BAD AT TIMING SEX (and hey, fuck you to everyone who implied that was the problem despite my extremely valiant efforts). But also, it’s not great to have the (unconfirmed, of course, because none of this is ever confirmed!!!) knowledge that there’s probably something wrong. And if there’s something wrong, yeah, IVF might be able to help, but what if it doesn’t?

And that’s how my day was today.