#but have i ever seen anyone addressing the fact that not treating your ptsd for half your life CANNOT BE HEALTHY

[janiedean]

on jaime lannister’s mental health and what it means to you

tldr: in between this season’s beginning where I’ve seen a fair amount of ‘has jaime lost his balls with his hand’ in the jaime tag (....) and the finale after which I’ve seen a fair amount of ‘oh finally jaime grew some balls it was time’, I would like to list you a few friendly reminders in bullet list form of why jaime lannister has always had some of the strongest metaphorical and not balls in these series and why he’s always had a spine and he didn’t need to grow anyfuckingthing never mind that he didn’t lose anyfuckingthing with the hand.

in order:

jaime grew up spending all of his time with cersei until tyrion was born and it’s not like he stopped after. without going into how it might have started or not, he’s honestly convinced he’s the same person as cersei (he even said it in canon, if I was a woman I’d be cersei). growing together with someone in such a close environment would lend itself to actually be like them if they have a dominating personality (which she has). he thinks he’s her.

except that while cersei abused tyrion from the moment he was born and it’s pretty much strongly implied that she killed that friend of hers she went to talk to maggy to because she dared ask maggy if she’d marry jaime (i.e., she had basically assumed she could have him when cersei thought he was hers or no one’s), he… was… the only person in the family who actually loved tyrion (I don’t mean didn’t abuse him, I mean actually loved him) and was having daydreams of going around westeros being a knight, which is not exactly what cersei has as a life target.

then he got into the kingsguard half because he wanted to be like arthur dayne and half because cersei was like ‘if you do we can be together always’ which basically merged the two things he wanted, at fifteen

then it turned out aerys was what he was and since he was fifteen until he was seventeen he got through so much trauma (witnessing aerys raping his wife and being unable to do nothing, getting all the vows he believed in materially questioned, watching two people get burned alive) that he actually started dissociating to cope with it. dissociation is a fairly common effect of ptsd. this guy developed ptsd before he turned seventeen, and even with that he went, did the smart thing and killed aerys to save everyone, basically doing everything knightly oaths tell you not to do and count that we’re talking about a seventeen year old who dreamed of being arthur dayne hmmmmmmmmmm

then he could have actually become king, which is something cersei would have done at once, and he didn’t, even if if I was a woman I’d be cersei, which suggests me that someone in here managed to develop a distinct and definite personality who’s not cersei’s… without even realizing that he did it, or at least rationally, which should say volumes about the level of fucked up this guy is when talking mental health

then everyone got pissed at him for aerys without even bothering to ask him why which makes him reject everything he loved when it comes to knighthood and turn into the cynical bastard he was at the beginning -

ah, but let’s add that not even that long later tywin aka his father basically forced him to lie about tysha to tyrion with all the baggage we know, so his father forced him to hurt his brother whom jaime actually loves very much, to the point that later when jaime freed him (in book canon at least) he told him also because he was being eaten by guilt and I’m sure that must have been totally healthy for someone who dissociated at seventeen

and should I mention that he fathered three children and cersei never let him be in their lives, which is probably not as bad for a man as it’d be for a woman but wow, that totally doesn’t add up to the trauma

and then we’re surprised that a guy who didn’t treat any of his mental trauma for at least fourteen years if not more and who from that point on only gave a fuck about his family/his relationship with cersei which as seen above is kind of really toxic in the best of cases arrives to the point of shoving a kid out of a window to save his and her hide (ps: I’m not justifying it and even jaime knows it was shitty - the things I do for love, he said with loathing - but if we’re surprised that this is how he reacts… lol)

anyway, after that he ends up prisoner for one year, gets freed, runs into a bunch of bandits and OH WAIT THEY CUT OFF HIS RIGHT HAND WHICH IS INCIDENTALLY NECESSARY IF YOU’RE RIGHT-HANDED AND THE BEST SWORDSMAN IN THE REALM which turns into another fairly horrid trauma because hey, try losing that important a limb, having to ride it out and only having a total stranger who hated your guts until three days before helping you out and giving you a modicum of dignity during that time! because it’s totally fun to not being able to change your clothes and being given horse piss to drink, riding with your hand around your neck and so on, because that’s totally not traumatic at all, and then he goes on out of a) spite, b) brienne giving him her a+ pep talks, c) wanting to see cersei again

now, given all that, he… went back for brienne when he could have just left for KL and jumped into a bear pit for her after coming out of the above situation, having just healed, missing a hand and without even a weapon, which is totally something that someone without balls or a spine would do, wouldn’t they, same as someone without balls would have let people kick him in a healing stump to save brienne from being raped (because, addendum, he advised her to *go away inside* i.e. dissociate and she told him they could forget it)

and that’s just the first, but okay, so that sends him thinking, makes him realize he either has to be more than his sword hand or what’s the point, and the fact that he ran into a true knight TM made him realize that maybe some existed and that he kind of wanted to be like that still -

ah, yeah, and when he gets back to KL - in the book - cersei calls him a useless cripple and throws plates/cutlery at him never mind gets fairly handsy the moment he disagrees with her/doesn’t agree with her anymore, and then she tells him to get riverrun even if he doesn’t want to since he swore cat to never raise arms against the tullys

now, never mind that he managed to actually take riverrun without fighting and so on, but other than the above, since jaime lannister went through even more extensive trauma, in the books he: gave brienne oathkeeper and sent her off to save sansa therefore going against cersei’s wishes, saved tyrion when cersei wanted jaime to actually kill him, saves a serving girl no one gave a fuck about and with a reputation for being a **whore** from being raped for the umpteenth time and takes her in his service (I totally can see cersei doing that or even caring hmmm /sarcasm), tries to be as decent as he can manage, he’s one of the few povs who’s fairly open about hating what he does and about how dumb he thinks the war is being, realizes he doesn’t even want to go back to king’s landing because it’s not what he wanted, obviously gives more than a fuck about his honor and he’s fairly open about it, he incidentally defended brienne’s honor because he’s gallant like that, wanted to vomit when he was told the dude who cut off his hand ended up cannibalized (totally a dude who cares for revenge…) and when cersei asked him for help he burned the letter, which should somehow suggest he realized he’s really not her -

ah, I should probably mention that he’s also trying to relearn to fight with his left all over again instead of just giving up like a lot of people might have done -

ah, among all of this he went around advising tommen that he should go away inside aka dissociating to stand having to stand vigil next to his grandfather’s dead body when cersei’s advice was basically stop being a weakling and handle it (because an eight-year old totally would enjoy that), and cersei of course stopped his fathering there because of course what a travesty, but given that after he left cersei forced tommen to whip a servant we can absolutely see how much they’re the same person or how jaime has not, like, a personality of his own

now, jaime has also done a fair amount of reprehensible things in that time and I’m not wanting to say he’s a saint or something, because he’s not and he knows he’s done reprehensible things - he tells that to himself and everyone all the time.

also, I know that’s book canon and people in this case were discussing show canon, but point in case, while I think that the show made his development a serious disservice and didn’t lead up to him dumping cersei, they did more or less show that he’s not the same person as she is, and now we go to the crux of it. as in, but I’m honestly tired of hearing that he ‘grew balls’ on one side for leaving cersei now in the show same as I was fairly horrified when I went into his tag after the premiere and saw people going like ‘omg he lost his balls with his hand’ which is what cersei told him in the book I mean seriously, because -

this dude comes from a lifetime of emotional manipulation at best and abuse at worst, and anyway when cersei was twelve she considered him her property enough that she threw someone down a well because the poor girl dared ask maggy if she might marry him so I don’t really think it could have been healthy even in the best of cases, which was then topped by years of trauma that gave him ptsd symptoms at an age in which in my country he couldn’t drink, vote or drive a car and which caused him to kill people including his king and destroy most of his dreams and eventually topped by his father forcing him to hurt his brother who is the one relative with whom he has an actual healthy-ish relationship. and that’s not counting the huge-ass amount of trauma that came later with losing a limb that was pretty much his life/the most important for his line of work and so on, and even with all of this this guy managed to grow a fucking personality wholly different from his sister’s out of I don’t know what kind of emotional strength honestly without even realizing he wasn’t like her at all, he found it in himself to turn his life around as much as he could, he realized he didn’t want the same things as everyone else thinks he did and he’s trying to be a more decent person even if no one thinks he can be and everyone has pre-judged him already, and he’s done plenty more than decent things pre and post traumas of whichever kind.

and in the middle of all this I’d like to remind everyone again that he fathered three kids that he was never let near. I mean, if it had been a woman having three children and then being forced to never interact with them would it be chill? nah.

back to the show: so it took him a hell of a long time to leave KL. I also think it wasn’t very well paced. but for fuck’s sake, taking it at face value, this guy spent his entire life being either manipulated or subtly/not so subtly emotionally amused or going through heavy trauma, and people are surprised that it took him a hell of a long time to say fuck it and leave? (especially when cersei was also using the ‘I’m pregnant’ card but never mind, which is totally not an abusive/manipulating tactic at all - I mean, she told him the moment she suspected he was being fed up with her nonsense/craziness post-sept burning and incidentally gave him everything he wanted i.e. their relationship in the open and told him she’d have let him father the kid. aha. when she didn’t let him father the three before. totally not emotional manipulation. hmmm.) fuck’s sake, this guy has guts of steel for having even been himself i.e. someone his sister is not all along, for bad or good.

I’m not even going to go over people assuming that the moment he didn’t want to go along with cersei’s crap in the premiere/he had doubts after then he didn’t have balls anymore - so now realizing that cersei was being bonkers and having an opinion and some development he already had in spades in the book is not having balls? - but this idea that he’s only growing a spine now that he left her or that he never had it before losing the hand is just… it takes a hell of a long time to get over that kind of trauma/abuse/manipulation. he has fifteen years’ worth of untreated ptsd/trauma going on, he’s had maybe three healthy relationships just talking about the show (in the book there might be more but honest it’s not like addam marbrand or ilyn payne are significant in the way tyrion and brienne are, and in the book he’s obviously not in a good place with tyrion right now so..), where on top of that they made him watch his daughter die in front of him for who knows what ill-informed artistic decision, just after she recognized him as her father, which absolutely wouldn’t add to the trauma, wouldn’t it?

and even with all of that he… is around, functioning, doing his thing, taking his decisions, trying to be a better person as uneven as it’s being (which is normal), wanting to be a better person and wanting to follow his old dreams and like, having a personality, again. and he’s always managed to be his own person all along.

if that is not having a spine or having balls or having enormous emotional strength whether he realizes it or not I don’t know what it’s called, but… like, he hasn’t grown any balls or anything, nor lost them. he’s always had them. and even if it’s not plainly obvious because for some reason if it’s guys being abuse victims most of the signs aren’t plain or aren’t seen as such, but it doesn’t make that any less true and it’d be really nice if more people noticed that this guy has mental health issues which did and do affect his behavior and his choices instead of assuming he’s an asshole/exactly like his sister and then got his eyes opened when he lost his hand.

like. one would think that we wouldn’t call getting out of abusive/toxic relationships *growing some balls*, but what do I know. I have a feeling no one would say the equivalent if jaime had been a woman and cersei had been a man (I mean, when any woman does away with their abusers in this show no one says that they finally grew some balls…) but even with that, can we just acknowledge that this guy never actually was some kind of doormat that everyone stepped on and at some point just decided to wake up and grow a personality out of nowhere into his adulthood? thank you very much.

/out

[gimme-mor]

ACOTAR THINK PIECE: ELAIN ARCHERON, UNTOUCHABLE

*DISCLAIMER*

This will be a long post.

Please take the time to read this post in its entirety and truly reflect on the message I am trying to send before commenting. My goal is to use my background in Gender and Women’s Studies to deconstruct the comments I have seen on Tumblr and Twitter and bring awareness to the ACOTAR fandom.

The reason I am tagging “Elriel” in this post is to call attention to the arguments in the Elriel fandom that: weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions about Elain’s character and her relationship with Lucien; victimize Elain’s character in fandom discussions; and coddle Elain’s character, which limits fandom discussions about her narrative development and prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions in the same way that the fandom holds other characters accountable for their actions and inactions. It is for these reasons that I WILL NOT remove the “Elriel” tag from this post because all of the above points contribute to the toxic discourse surrounding Elain’s character.

I urge those who use these arguments to understand their implications, why they are problematic, regardless of intent, and reexamine their contributions to the ACOTAR fandom. I WILL NOT tolerate anyone who tries to twist my words and say I am attacking people and their personal shipping preferences. In fact, I AM CRITIQUING THE ARGUMENTS THEMSELVES NOT THE PEOPLE USING THE ARGUMENTS.

Also, I highly encourage the Elriel fandom to read this post because it addresses how the concept of choice as an argument enables arguments to exploit social justice and feminist languge in order to vilify Elucien shippers, among other problematic things.

Elain Archeron is one of the most polarizing characters in the ACOTAR fandom. Though opinions about Elain vary, arguments in the Elriel fandom cite society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters as the reason behind the hate, and this belief is used to provide an explanation as to why other characters in the series are favored over her. In the series, Elain is portrayed in a wholly positive light and this image carries over into the Elriel fandom, painting her character as a good and kind female who has been unfairly wronged and a victim of circumstances that were out of her control. When arguments in the Elriel fandom oppose other viewpoints in the fandom, they fall into one of three categories:

Category 1: Weaponize Elain’s femalehood to shame real life people for their opinions

Maybe people who hate Elain are just jealous of her in a weird way similar to when someone hates the pretty, nice, and charming girl in school just because she is too perfect

Disliking Elain is misogynistic

What happened to feminism? What happened to women supporting women? What happened to she can say no? All of that disappears the second you force Elain to be with Lucien

Elain antis are misogynistic

All Eluciens are Elain antis

Antis claiming they’re feminists when in reality they hate on Elain and Feyre but love Nesta

Elain antis are such sore losers. Y’all were that bunch of people who could not get over being rejected from hanging out with the cool kids so y’all are projecting your hatred towards pretty people now to get validation

I don’t get how Elain’s love for gardening equals boring for some people. I’m sorry your misogyny finds traditionally feminine activities boring

Why are you attacking a female? What did Elain do? Where are your feminist voices?

The fandom is misogynistic towards Elain

If people loved Elain they would ship Elriel

If you hate Elain it says a lot about your feelings toward women

If you hate Elain because she has no “development” then you must hate Azriel because otherwise you’re misogynistic

Eluciens are turned off by the idea of a woman that has the autonomy to reject a man for the simple reason that it is her choice

Eluciens are all about feminism and “it’s HER choice” until it comes down to females not wanting a male

Eluciens don’t respect Elain’s feelings when they ship her with someone that was part of her trauma and makes her feel uncomfortable

The way some Elucien shippers completely disregard how uncomfortable Elain is around Lucien is so hilariously not funny. Prioritizing being mates over Elain’s feelings is just regressive

It’s hard as a fan of Elain to see someone ship her with a person who makes her physically uncomfortable to be around. Wouldn’t you want both characters to be happy to be around each other

Imagine if SJM saw all the awful things her “stans” had to say about Elain

It’s true that we know comparatively little about her, but is she really boring or do you just not value stereotypically feminine traits?

So y’all are just gonna tell me you prefer Elucien over Elriel? Even though Lucien treats Elain as if she’s something that belongs to him? The only reason he wants to be with her is because she’s his mate, he doesn’t respect her, doesn’t treat her as his equal, even though that’s what mates should be? He doesn’t bother to look past what’s on the outside to see her for who she is. And Elain is obviously repulsed by the idea that she should belong to anyone or have no choice in who she can be with. Azriel is her friend and the only person who sees her quiet strength. He has so much faith in her, in her abilities; he’s the one who kept her company when no one else did, he’s the only one who bothered to see her for more than her brokenness. You’re going to tell me you still prefer Elucien over Elriel?

The more I see Gwynriels that ship Elucien out of their hate for Elain, the less I can understand Elain stans that ship Elucien. Pls Elain has made it very clear that she doesn’t want Lucien, why would you ship her with him? Do you hate her too? Smh

The real question would be, if you care and understand Elain why would you ship her with Lucien (where she canonically shrinks when he is near)?

People crying over Helion and Lucien’s mom not getting to be with each other and her being forced into a relationship she didn’t want, but also ship Elucien? Just say you hate Elain

When Elain’s book is out, Gwyn stans will look like clowns and I will laugh because they set her up by shipping her with Azriel just because they hate Elain. Watch them play the victims now because Elriels are clapping back the hate they’ve sent towards Elain

As romantic as wanting girl who is visibly uncomfortable around a guy who caused her trauma to end up with the said guy. Guess their standards for romance are in hell

Category 2: Victimize Elain’s character

Gwynriels only want Gwyn with Azriel because they despise Elain

Gwyn stans and Gwynriels are Elain antis

No one in the books dislike Elain, so why are there so many people who do?

Elain hasn’t done anything wrong or questionable to warrant the hate she gets

Not having Elain’s POV makes it easy for people to be swayed a certain way about her character if you already don’t relate to her in some way

It’s been years since this series came out and we haven’t gotten a lick of an Elain POV, but people still hate her for what? We don’t know her thoughts, dreams, or aspirations

We haven’t even had Elain’s perspective yet and people are passing these judgments off on her

Elain antis who say she’s boring are just cruel when she has obvious symptoms of PTSD like Feyre and Nesta

Gwyn is one of the most overhyped characters and that’s only because most people hate Elain and they couldn’t wait to find a random girl to ship Azriel with

Nesta was abusive to her sisters but Elain (who has only ever been kind) is painted as the villain

From the text we know that Elain is the epitome of feminine stereotypes (gentle, gardening, baking, non confrontational for the most part). Yet people still call her boring or deny that she has any interesting character traits?

You can’t love Nesta and hate Elain

People hate Elain because of internalized misogyny and lack of taste. All the girl does is tend to her garden and mind her business and they treat her worse than Tamlin

Does Gwyn deserve all this support? Of course yes! She is amazing! But where’s that support when Elain was in the same situation as she? Where’s that support for her right now? Why do they idolize Gwyn for her interactions with Azriel and hate Elain for having any interaction with him?

It’s not even a ship war anymore, they just hate Elain

People hate Elain for no reason

Some of y’all don’t like feminine traits and it shows

We know less about Eris and Helion but people don’t call them boring. Why would rejecting femininity make Elain more interesting?

Elain has had a lot forced upon her

The main reason I believe most people love Gwyn so much is to get Azriel away from Elain. It’s not a secret that Elain has been a widely hated character for years so suddenly we get a new female who has a minimal amount of interactions with Azriel and BOOM. New ship that once again doesn’t make sense (just like Azriel x Emerie after ACOFAS)

Elain hasn’t done something so terrible for her to get this hate. At this point some of you are just being misogynistic and you don’t want to accept it. Don’t call yourselves feminists and then say bs like this, it’s embarrassing. She’s pretty and everyone agreed to hate on her

Just a personal feeling, but I feel like a lot of the Elain hate stems from internalized misogyny. That to be a strong female lead, you need to pick up a sword and fight. That to be strong, you need to adapt traditionally masculine traits

Elain is feminine. She is beautiful. She loves to bake and garden. She is docile, quiet, observant, and a people-pleaser. All traditionally feminine traits. Yet for some reason, she’s like the worst in these people’s eyes?

I think also maybe a lot of people can’t relate to her femininity? That her being so beautiful and quiet doesn’t allow for the people who dislike her not to self-insert? Most of the hate stems from people not wanting Elain to be with Azriel. It’s mean, but maybe the people who hate Elain literally just can’t self-insert if they have a story and that’s why they’re vehemently against it?

Poor Elain. The Cauldron dealt her a bad deal. Upon emerging as Fae, she is immediately declared by Lucien as his mate, never mind that she was already engaged to a prick. Her love life is not good

It blows my mind how they really think that they can compare all the shit that Elain gets with some dumb jokes about Gwyn on Twitter (and yes, the “hate” towards her started mostly because Elriels are clapping back, it was bound to happen)

I would think of it as anti-feminist with Elain and Lucien because she has consistently stated that she does not want him so if she was forced to embrace the bond that would be taking away her right to have a choice but with Az she feels comfortable around so if they were mates then Elain would be happy and feel safe which again should be the priority for women to feel safe in their relationships with anything and to not be forced into any type of situation aka the mating bond in this

Category 3: Coddle Elain’s character

Elain has value the way she is, in all her domestic girly glory. Not every character has to be badass

We don’t speak of Elain’s flaws frequently because everyone else already speaks badly of her, mainly in an unfair way

There is definitely something deeper going on with Elain but by no means will she ever be evil or any less feminine. That goes against everything we already know about her

It’s ok to critique Elain because she needs growth but y’all keep forgetting the shit her and her sisters went through

The last “bad” thing Elain did in ACOTAR was not help Feyre when they were impoverished and I’m tired of people acting like she’s a terrible character when it was their father’s responsibility. It happened 4 books ago and Feyre has forgiven both Nesta and Elain

Elain’s character and the evil Elain theory are a great example of the trend where people only consider female characters interesting if they reject femininity

We don’t know enough to hate Elain

Many people want Elain to turn evil (which in my opinion seems to come from a place of internalized misogyny)

However we don’t tend to talk about her faults, at least not publicly, as that has been, and still is, done to death, and I--personally, at least--find it much more fun to theorise about potentially interesting aspects of the overall plot, than dwell on negatives

And ultimately, I would be shocked if Elain has a more karmically-charged story than Nesta, considering that Elain’s “wrongs” are so much less severe and bad than Nesta’s, and Elain has already apologized for them (or paid the price in other ways, like through what Graysen did)

I guess I also think Elain has suffered and been punished enough. I hope her story is about finding hope in terrible situations, and learning to love her new life, and choosing her own path after everything that has been done to her. I don’t think she needs to be punished anymore or face any additional trauma

Also, why is she being judged on her decisions as a human at all? Fae are monsters to humans! They enslaved them for thousands of years, and the Wall was erected to keep them out

Like I’m sorry, but think Elain would want to leave her ONLY FAMILY AND FRIENDS for the Spring Court where she has no one because--oh look, lots of flowers!--is the craziest thing I have ever heard

Her sisters are in the Night Court. Her nephew is in the Night Court. Her closest friends (Nuala and Cerridwen) are in the Night Court. Her love interest is in the Night Court. Her extended family is in the Night Court. Her home is in the Night Court

SJM isn’t going to keep two sisters together and split up the third. Especially not keep Feyre and Nesta together and separate Elain. They were either all going to end up in separate places, or together. Not 2 here and 1 there

Compared to the other female characters in the series, Elain is the only character whose femalehood is at the center of conversations; this is because arguments in the Elriel fandom fixate on it when discussing her character. While Elain, Feyre, Nesta, and Mor are all representations of white womanhood and white beauty, Elain epitomizes the most fragile version of white womanhood. It’s easy to blame society’s perception of traditional female characters in comparison to non-traditional female characters when it comes to the discourse surrounding Elain’s character because it: falls in line with the fixation on Elain’s femalehood to silence opposing viewpoints; is a simplistic explanation that fails to tackle the underlying issues with Elain as a character, the same issues that are downplayed in-universe; absolves Elain of her wrongdoings; prevents the ACOTAR fandom from holding Elain accountable for her actions and inactions within the series; and diminishes the impact Elain’s actions and inactions have on those around her. It’s not that Elain is hated in the fandom because she’s a traditional female character; it’s the fact that arguments in the Elriel fandom deflect a critical analysis of Elain’s character because she’s a traditional female character who embodies the ideal white woman in need of protection. White fans and white-aligned fans of color, especially white women, have a tendency to vehemently defend, gatekeep, and coddle white female characters in fandom; this makes it difficult for other fans to engage in critical discussions about these white female characters because they’re viewed as flawless and all around perfect characters despite evidence to the contrary. Since Elain is viewed positively by the other characters in the series, it has rendered her character untouchable to any perceived slight or criticism in fandom discussions because those negative opinions challenge what has been said about her character thus far. And as a result, her character has been placed on a pedestal and implicitly hailed as the epitome of white womanhood; and when she’s criticized, it’s seen as a direct attack against white womanhood. Arguments in the Elriel fandom: exploit feminist language and perpetuate white feminist tactics under the guise of defending Elain’s character; center Elain in conversations about female oppression in the ACOTAR world and uphold white feminist ideologies in their critique of ACOTAR’s patriarchal society; and use the fragile white woman narrative to victimize Elain in Lucien’s presence, playing into racial biases that are associated with white supremacy’s defense of white womanhood.

Feminism is a social movement that seeks to promote equality and equity to all genders, and feminists work toward eradicating gender disparities on a macro-level, in addition to challenging gender biases on a micro-level. As feminism became more mainstream, a flat and oversimplified version of feminism emerged: mainstream feminism. The mainstream feminist movement is meant to represent all women, but rarely does it center conversations around issues that concern most women. The problem with mainstream feminism is that it’s just a popularized version of white feminism. White feminism has relied extensively on an individualized understanding of women’s oppression, exclusively from the lens of privileged white women. White feminism only focuses on the oppression experienced by white, able-bodied, affluent, educated, cishet women; and it views gender as the key mode of privileged white women’s oppression, isolated from the privileges granted by their other social identities. White women can be and are oppressed under the patriarchy but only because they are women; their identity as women does not exempt them from the privileges granted by their whiteness. The term white feminist does not mean any feminist who is white, but refers to feminists who prioritize the concerns of privileged white women as though they are representative of all women. However, the term is not exclusive to white people. Because white feminism is so pervasive, people of other racial and ethnic backgrounds often buy into white feminism, believing that if they work hard enough, they may be able to reap its rewards.

Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism only recognizes the identity of being a woman, assumes that all women share common experiences of gender oppression, fails to address other social identities in relation to overlapping systems of oppression, and disregards privilege in relation to various social identities. Just like white feminism, mainstream feminism is palatable because it doesn’t seek to challenge the systems in place, instead its goal is to succeed within them. Essentially, mainstream feminism and white feminism are extensions of performative feminism. Performative feminism is a type of performative activism that’s used to describe feminist views that are surface level and solely for the benefit of one type of person. It’s a pretense which often has nothing to do with genuine activism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom normalize and promote performative feminism because the topic of feminism is only referenced when discussing Elain. This indicates that these arguments are engaging in disingenuous discourse to push a personal agenda within the ACOTAR fandom, and it becomes more apparent when they use white feminist tactics to shut down opposing viewpoints:

White feminists weaponize and exploit feminist language to silence the opinions of other women, especially when they’re called out for their problematic behaviors

White feminists use the phrase “Women supporting women” to defend other white feminists who exhibit problematic behaviors instead of holding them accountable 

White feminists weaponize phrases like “Women supporting women” and “You just hate women” to attack other women who disagree with them on any given topic

White feminists use phrases like “All women face challenges” and “Stop pitting women against each other” to sidestep conversations about privilege

White feminists divert conversations away from privilege and towards the Trauma Olympics to equate their struggles to the oppression of marginalized people 

White feminists skirt around the realities of other forms of oppression and discrimination, downplaying the experiences of marginalized people

White feminists diminish or ignore the ways in which gender oppression affects other marginalized people

White feminists paint those they harmed as aggressive, mean, or divisive when confronted with the ways they have harmed a marginalized group

White feminists deflect criticism by focusing on the anger or emotions being expressed rather than the issue that is being discussed, invalidating the concerns of marginalized people

White feminists speak over marginalized voices in an attempt to sound “woke”

White feminists get defensive and insist there’s no way they could be a part of the problem because of what they’ve done to help marginalized groups already 

White feminists say they don’t see color in an attempt to obscure racial issues that need to be addressed

White feminists center and victimize themselves in conversations about racism, which derails necessary conversations from taking place

White feminists who are white weaponize the intersectionality of their race and gender to avoid accountability

Feminism is not meant to be approached from an individualistic perspective nor is it only about addressing the experiences of privileged white women, it involves addressing the intersections of race, class, gender, sexuality, (dis)ability, and other social identities as well; and it involves addressing how these social identities relate to privilege. Moreover, feminism is not about women upholding complete loyalty to other women because of a shared gender identity, and to claim that it does implies that women should be held to different emotional standards than men. If men are able to dislike and criticize other individual men, real or fictional, without their characters being compromised, why aren’t women granted that same privilege?

It’s clear that SJM set up the ACOTAR world to mirror a patriarchal society, and that the imbalance of power between males and females stems from sexism. Arguments in the Elriel fandom analyze the ACOTAR world through a feminist lens to show how ACOTAR’s patriarchal society, to which the mating bond is innately tied, contributes to female oppression and limits their agency. When choice and free will are emphasized as part of Elain’s arc, they imply that Elain, through the mating bond, experiences female oppression under ACOTAR’s patriarchal society because of her identity as a female with that identity being the focal point of her oppression in the world. Elain is one of the most privileged characters in the ACOTAR world: she’s High Fae; she’s the sister of the High Lord and High Lady of the Night Court, which gives her access to wealth and political influence because of that connection; she’s able-bodied; she was magically blessed by the Cauldron; and she lives in Velaris, a place that grants females autonomy and power because of the beliefs of Rhysand and Feyre. Arguments in the Elriel fandom trivialize female oppression in the ACOTAR world because they disregard the fact that Elain’s privileges prevent her from experiencing female oppression in the same way that other marginalized females in the world do. The mating bond being one such example because those around Elain are not forcing the bond on her, instead they’re allowing Elain to reach a decision about the bond for herself; a privilege that other marginalized females in the world probably wouldn’t have. Just because Elain has endured hardships in her life and is a female in a patriarchal society, they do not erase the privileges she holds within the ACOTAR world. The failure to include Elain’s privileges in discussions about Elain being a female in a patriarchal society feeds into white feminist ideologies because white feminism operates from a very narrow perspective; it doesn’t take other intersecting identities into account when it examines gender oppression, leaving no room for discussions about privilege (or lack thereof) in relation to those intersecting identities. When discussing oppression in hierarchical societies, it’s imperative that privilege is also included in the conversation because privilege and oppression are not mutually exclusive; they equally affect the ways in which people navigate those societies through their social identities.

Rather than attributing Elain’s uncomfortability to her new life as a Fae female or the mating bond itself and her trauma to the Cauldron, the King of Hybern, or Ianthe, they’re placed on Lucien to cast his character in a negative light. Moreover, fandom discussions portray Lucien as a possessive character to further emphasize Elain’s discomfort despite the inaccuracy of this characterization in canon. Arguments in the Elriel fandom play into racial biases when it comes to Lucien (a male character of color) because they mischaracterize his character in order to victimize Elain (a white female character), placing her character in the role of the white damsel in distress. In Western society, the concept of womanhood has been conceptualized from a Eurocentric perspective with femininity and feminine attributes favoring white women. It’s the idea that a certain type of femininity is only inherent to white women as they are seen as the embodiment of an ideal womanhood. White womanhood has been a symbol of innocence and purity, and white women have been viewed as fragile beings in need of protection. The reason white womanhood functions within white supremacy is because it’s the same idea that has motivated white men to kill and beat black and brown men. The so-called protection of white women has been used as a justification for the horrific violence committed by white men because black and brown men were stereotyped as aggressive and seen as a threat to the virtue of white women. The white damsel in distress trope considered white women as worthy of protection because of their perceived innocence and purity; women of color were not granted that same treatment because they did not fit into the ideal image of womanhood. Over the years, this trope became a means for white women to exercise limited power in a patriarchal society with white women weaponizing their status as the damsel much to the detriment of black and brown men. It’s through the white damsel in distress trope that white supremacy sustains its dominance in Western society. The misrepresentation of characters of color in fandom, the dismissal of their importance to the overall story, and using them as tools in arguments centered around white characters are the foundation of fandom racism; they’re examples of how racism moves silently in fandom spaces. Instead of examining their behavior and taking constructive criticism from fans of color, white fans will often double down on their bigotry and center their uncomfortability in the conversation when confronted with their complicity in fandom racism. White fans expect fans of color to swallow fandom racism in its many forms in order to not ruin the experience of fandom, dismissing the fact that racism is prevalent in nearly every aspect of society. This mentality ensures that no one is held accountable for the harm they caused and alienates fans of color in fandom spaces.

To reiterate what I mentioned in my first think piece: terms like “oppression”, “the right to choose”, “feminist”, “feminism”, “anti-feminist”, “anti-feminism”, “internalized misogyny”, “misogyny”, “misogynist”, “sexist”, “sexism”, “racist”, “racism”, “classist”, “classism”, “discrimination”, and “patriarchy” are all used in specific ways to draw attention to the plight of marginalized people and challenge those who deny the existence of systems of oppression. Yet these words and their meanings can be twisted to attack, exclude, and invalidate people with differing opinions on any given topic. When social justice and feminist terms are thrown around antagonistically and carelessly to push a personal agenda, it becomes clear that these terms are being used to engage in disingenuous discourse and pursue personal validation rather than being used out of any deep-seated conviction to dismantle systemic oppression. Being an ally, activist, or feminist is not an identity, it’s a practice. It requires: ongoing self-reflection; holding ourselves accountable; listening to marginalized people; educating ourselves; dismantling implicit biases; challenging those around us who are exhibiting problematic behaviors; and action behind our words.

It’s important to be aware of the language that is used within the fandom when defending or critiquing characters and ships. It’s also important to question how an argument is framed and why it’s framed the way that it is to critically examine the intent behind that argument: is it used as a tool to push a personal agenda that reinforces problematic behaviors, or is it used as an opportunity to share, learn, enlighten, and educate?

-----------

Tagging: @spell-cleavers @bookofmirth @m0bulidae @ilya-boltagon

[prof-peach]

Hello professor, I have a pretty heavy question I’m afraid, but I’m running out of people to ask, so I’ll try my best to keep it PG13.

It’s my Mienshao, Daisy. Up until recently, she and I were members of a police task force tasked with rooting out illegal Pokemon smuggling rings and underground high stakes tournaments. We’ve been partners for a long time, me and Daisy, we grew up together, and I dare say we made a great team. But then things went wrong.

For the sake of security I can’t go into too much detail, but we were participating in a raid when we got ambushed. Someone must have tipped the smugglers off, because they were waiting for us when we got there. During the firefight, there was an explosion, a gas tank got set on fire by a charizard, I believe, and Daisy and I happened to be close. She got out with a few minor burns and scrapes, I... Did not.

I’ll spare you the gory details, but I have been confined to a wheel chair ever since, and I am due to be fitted for a prosthetic leg next week.

I won’t lie, the transition has been hard for everybody, me, my friends, my family. My other Pokémon have been hovering around me like over protective nannies for weeks. But I think out of all of us, Daisy has been taking it the hardest. Half of the day she spends locked to my side like a bodyguard, threatening to punch anyone that gets too close into oblivion. And the other half, well...

She’s started putting herself through some kind of hellish self training routine. Doing katas until she all but collapses from exhaustion, running laps for hours, fighting every Pokemon she can convince to fight, wild or trained. Daisy’s always been tough, and she’s always loved training, but this... This isn’t training, it’s a death march. I’m getting extremely worried, and that’s not even everything!

She’s stopped eating her favorite foods, deliberately choosing ones I know she hates, she won’t let me pet her anymore, she just steps out of reach, trying not to look at me. But most worryingly, she’s started cutting off her whiskers. She’s always been so proud of her whiskers, she groomed them every day, always got grumpy when I teased her for having a big ol’ mustache. Now anytime they get longer than an inch, she slices them off with her claws and throws them in fireplace, like some kind ceromony.

I’m almost certain Daisy feels guilty for coming out mostly unscathed, when I didn’t. She’s always been a bit protective, even before we joined the police, and she’s saved my life multiple times out in the field, but now she feels like she’s failed me, I think. I’ve tried to convince her that it wasn’t her fault, but that only seems to redouble her efforts. I’m terrified she’s going to burn herself out if she keeps going like this, and I don’t know what to do.

I know this is a pretty heavy question, but I I’m not sure who else to ask. Is there anything I can do to convince her that she doesn’t need to hurt herself like this? Or, something? Just anything to help! Losing my leg was jarring, but losing Daisy would be unbearable!... I just... I just want my best friend to be okay.

I am sorry for what you’ve been through, I cannot begin to understand what it’s like to be in your shoes, but like all recovery, physical or mental, this will take a fair bit of time to get past, you both may never fully return to how things were, but it can get better and you can both return to a full life together with work and dedication.

I’ve certainly seen Pokemon go to extreme lengths after dangerous incidents to protect their loved ones or themselves, in this case it would be wise to assume your pokemons suffering with a hefty bill of PTSD, and needs some actual therapy to handle the feelings and thoughts they’re having. We have facilities to accommodate that if you’re local to Johto, but most Pokemon centres will be able to put you in contact with reliable and certified practices to begin unravelling the issues that now plague Daisy.

That she considers herself to have come away reasonably unscathed is not true, yes your life has physically changed, but she needs to step back and take a look at her life too. Everything’s different now, and more specifically how she’s treating herself and handling her feelings. If that’s not trauma and injury, I don’t know what else it could be. You both came away with damage that day, physical or not. The first step is to help her see that, and to begin to understand that despite this all, you can both continue to move forward together if you can overcome the injury together, it is an event you shared, and you two can aid each others recovery with time and care.

There’s some seriously gifted therapists out there, those who study for years and can help far more than me, they’ll take time to break down the events, and start to really get into the feelings that your partner is going through. The cycle for Daisy right now comes around to self-punishment, and seems to be stuck on a loop. She needs time and space to process her feelings of guilt, grief, fear and loss, facing them instead of burying herself in her rigorous training. While it is difficult to discuss, you two have a strong bond that means you could talk with her. Try to remind her who’s truly responsible, she may be blaming herself, which is pretty common in these situations, but at the root of it, you were doing your routine job, and the bad guys, the Pokemon smugglers and goons are to blame. THEY caused the issue, not her, and while it may not sink in right away it’s worth saying, and sticking to. You said you told her that it wasn’t her fault, which is the gut reaction, perhaps giving her a logical target instead of herself will work better for now. Reiterating the true issue, and taking the heat off of her may help with other tasks such as self care, later down the recovery road.

Her guilt will feel terrible, but it kind of works as a protector, keeping her distanced from the worse, more overwhelming feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. In fact the guilt that masks this all will slowly make things worse over time. That underlying intense emotion below the guilt is what you both need to work through, but more than anything, she needs to face it, in her own time, come to terms with it, and eventually (hopefully) come to an understanding that life is an endless cycle of events, things will happen, but you have to pick yourself up and turn the lemons into lemonade. She could have lost you that day, that you came away with your life is a miracle, and now you two get more time together because of that. Luck isn’t something that runs out, it’s not like there’s only so much of it to go around, it is like wining the lottery. Sometimes 20 people win, other times no one does. It’s hard to accept, but there’s no greater order to stuff that happens, but when we can come to this conclusion, it’s oddly freeing. I’ve seen a fair few Pokemon in a symilar state who can move on when they realise there’s an odd randomness to the world and everything that goes on.

This is a job for someone with far greater skills than I, but you must help her by also looking after yourself, laugh when you can, show her that your life is still very full, and that you have loved ones, and joy to share with others. You mentioned that you’re due a prosthetic, and though the transition will be long and no doubt a little difficult at first, getting yourself back on two feet (kind of) will show her, and your other Pokemon that you’re willing to move forward. I think there’s a lot to be said about talking during this all. She wants to fight, to be strong, if this is how she’s going to cope, fine. If she’s out training, sit with her, spend whatever time you can by her side, as she’s taking this the hardest. You don’t have to say a thing, just try to do your best, without putting yourself in too much discomfort or pain. Reminding her who would be devastated if it had been her who got hurt, if she was not around, may help ground her back in reality a bit. You both got granted a gift that day, you came away alive, if she works so hard she burns out, that gift was wasted. She can use her kindness, and strength to help you, she can pass her knowledge and skill forward, but it’s hard to help others, and do your best if you’re exhausted beyond reason. Kind of like trying to give people bread from a basket but the damn basket is empty yknow? You got to take time to refill so you can help those around you again, so you have some bread to give. I know, probably sounds a little dumb but it’s always been the way I remember it.

Another very useful thing I’ve found with trauma survivors would be meeting others who have been in the same position. There’s plenty of support groups for both people and Pokemon who have been through events that left them in a difficult situation, emotionally and physically. Even here at the lab we have many species who have been left without limbs, with life changing damage, and a lot of them also have the emotional trauma too. She would probably do well to spend time with them, you can send her to a resort to retreat and recoup erase, mix with others who were just as angry as she is now, or you can take time to go with her to groups to interact with others. It’s one thing to have humans help, but it’s a whole other level of connection when Pokemon can help their own. They bond quicker, trust faster, and generally are more open to listening when it’s coming from a place of mutual experience. If she had time to talk to pokemon who actually lost their trainers, or parts of themselves, she may find some peace, even if only temporarily.

Don’t mention the whiskers, and where possible don’t offer her foods she actively likes, but also not ones she actively dislikes. Just for now. Start the ball rolling with just plain simple things that are neither good or bad. Indifferent is better than bad right now, the punishment she’s inflicting on herself will need addressing further, so contact a therapist, they use Rotom or porygon to translate from poke-speech to human language, and the repair can begin with a registered professional. My advice is not sound proof, I certainly feel like I have missed something important, it’s a big response, but it’s a start in the right direction, and should you come up to any further issues, message back and update us with what’s going on. With work you two will be on track to recover. Remember, patience is the biggest thing here, you two have history, and a therapist will no doubt take the sessions as a pair, and work with you to help Daisy feel less guilty over time. I hope you both find peace, and that both of you repair in due time. Good luck with the new leg, a step towards recovery for sure.

[catrasredemption-moved]

Sorry for the offense my ask caused however I dont necessarily understand why you don't want to write Catra as she cannonically was for 90% of the series? It's like do you really like Catra as a character or do you just want a cute cat girl design that you can treat like an oc and give her any personality you want?

*sigh* Okay, you want to do this? Let’s go.

For reference, this is the ask in question.

I dont necessarily understand why you don't want to write Catra as she cannonically was for 90% of the series?

You’re right. That is how Catra was for a lot of the series. I’ve never shied away from that fact or tried to defend it. Catra was an unhealthy, toxic, terrible person. But to simply leave it at that is a surface reading which doesn’t take several things into account:

Environment: Catra grew up in a place where literally everyone hated her. Shadow Weaver and Hordak both threatened to kill her on multiple occasions, and Hordak tried twice to do so. As early as the third episode of season one, Lonnie makes it clear that the only thing that ever protected Catra in the Horde was Adora, meaning it was basically open season on her once Adora left. If she hadn’t been given the Force Captain badge to hide behind, things probably would have been a lot worse.

Opportunities: Catra was given almost no chances to really change aside from Adora insisting that she up and abandon the only life she knows (as terrible as that life is at least it’s the devil she knows). And every time she shows weakness, life comes back to kick her. Shadow Weaver gives a minute bit of kindness? Catra gives her what she wants, and Shadow Weaver uses it to escape and abandon Catra to whatever punishment Hordak will give her. Catra opens up to Scorpia? Hordak’s demon imp reports it back to Hordak. Catra is happy in the Crimson Waste? She finds out that Shadow Weaver abandoned her to go to Adora. Catra slowly hardens herself over the course of season 1-4 because she simply can’t afford not to do so. Being even slightly soft has, over and over, proven to be her downfall.

Mental Health: Catra pretty obviously has problems that aren’t addressed because the Horde doesn’t gaf about mental illness. *C-PTSD - She was consistently abused and threatened by the person who was supposed to be her parental figure. That messes you up *Depression - I mean... yeah. That one is just kind of obvious *Borderline Personality Disorder - This is a very strong headcanon of mine (and a lot of the fandoms). BPD is a bitch of a mental illness. What are some of the symptoms? I’m glad you asked: An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection || A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel || Rapid changes in self-identity and self-image that include shifting goals and values, and seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all (source). Any of that sound disturbingly familiar?

Catra’s Own Desires: As Double Trouble so eloquently put it “You try so hard to play the 'Big Bad Villain’ but your heart has never been it has it?” (Double Trouble, Destiny Part 2, 4x13). All Catra’s ever really wanted was acknowledgment that she’s worth something, to feel cared about, and Adora. That’s it. This post sums things up pretty well, imo - when asked what she wants, her focus is pulled to Adora. All of her dreams included Adora. It’s said right in the first episode: “We’re gonna see the world and conquer it.” (Catra, The Sword Part 1, 1x01). She tries to carry through with that plan on her own when Adora leaves, and we see how well that goes for her.

Catra Makes A Concentrated Effort To Change: Catra at the end of season four/beginning of season five is not the same Catra we’ve seen throughout the rest of the series. She’s down. She’s defeated. She’s seeking comfort in Glimmer’s company. And when push comes to shove, she does something she’s never done before - puts someone else’s life above her own survival. Her own life is officially forfeit. She knows what’ll happen to her when Glimmer is gone, and she doesn’t care. And she’s convinced no one else cares either. “There’s no one left in the entire universe who cares about me.” (Catra, Corridors, 5x03). She’s ready to die, but she wants to make amends with one person before she goes - Adora. She needs to apologize to Adora before she dies so maybe Adora will have a better memory of her than just the angry, bitter villain she became. And when she actually survives, she tries really hard to fall back on that angry persona, because she’s afraid of getting hurt again. But Adora almost immediately takes that down. “What do you care?! I know you all hate me!” “I never hated you!” *pause* “Then you’re even dumber than I thought.” (Catra, Adora, Taking Control, 5x06). Catra isn’t trying to be cruel or insult Adora there. Okay, maybe she's being a little insulting, but most of the hate is directed at herself. She doesn’t understand why Adora doesn’t hate her. Why Adora even bothered to go back for her. In her mind, there’s no way Adora can still care about her after everything that’s happened. She can’t let herself believe it, because she knows she’s just going to get hurt in the end (see earlier point about BPD). And when she realizes she’s actually going to live, and maybe she has another chance to set things right? She changes. She makes a very concentrated effort to be a better a person. *“I’m sorry. I got angry. It’s something I’m working on.” (Catra, Shot In The Dark, 5x08) *“I’m trying to be a better friend, that has to count for something.” (Catra, Return to the Fright Zone, 5x10) *“No. I’m not leaving. Whatever happens, I’m staying!” (Catra, The Heart Part 2, 5x13) We see Catra acknowledging and trying to work on her anger issues, making an effort to be a better friend, and refusing, for the first time, to run away when things start getting hard, even if it means watching Adora die. She also: *Makes amends with Perfuma after their earlier fight in Return to the Fright Zone, and doesn’t argue with Perfuma when she implies Catra has feelings for Adora (which is a huge thing for her to do with someone she barely knows) *Stands up to Shadow Weaver, her abuser, and then works with her to find and help Adora *Once again puts her own life in danger for the greater good (staying behind to fight the infected security bug, which she knows will kill her (notice how she doesn’t look Adora in the eye when she says she’ll catch up)), in favor of letting Shadow Weaver help Adora to the Heart.

Has Catra fully changed by the end of the series? Of course not, she had to fight an alien invasion, it’s really hard to go through full character development while fighting a war. But she lays the groundwork for herself as early as 4x13, when she steps in to save Glimmer from being killed by Horde Prime. She saves Glimmer in 5x03 with zero expectations that anyone will come back and save her. She saw what Horde Prime did to Hordak and knows that’s probably her future, but she puts the greater good above her own desire to live (which is probably pretty low at that point anyway). And when Adora does come back? She’s angry. Not because of Adora’s hero complex (although that’s pretty frustrating as well), but because she doesn’t see herself as someone worth saving. “We both know I don’t matter” (Catra, Save the Cat, 5x05). She so deeply believes she’s worthless that even Adora coming back for her can’t have been out of any sense of love - it was just Adora wanting to play the hero again. She spends the rest of season five trying to be someone worth that sacrifice. Trying to be someone worth Adora’s love.

It's like do you really like Catra as a character or do you just want a cute cat girl design that you can treat like an oc and give her any personality you want?

Catra as a character is absolutely fascinating to me, mostly for the reasons I listed above - she’s not purely good or evil, she’s hugely impacted by the environment she grew up and the abuse she suffered, and she’s not the typical abuse victim we’re used to seeing in media - the one whose abuse made her kinder. Being abused made Catra bitter and angry. Catra worked to make herself kinder, to make herself a better person. That’s a conscious choice she makes and continues to make.

And the things you asked for? They’re also conscious choices:

she finds it too easy to physically lash out at Adora when stressed and expects her to take it bc "Adora is she-ra and it doesnt really hurt her anyway"

That’s abuse. That’s physical abuse no matter which way you slice it. That’s Catra making a choice to attack Adora using stress as an excuse because “Adora can take it.” Even at her worse, Catra never physically hurt someone outside of the battle - notable exceptions being Adora in 1x02 and Entrapta in 3x04, when she hits both of them with stun batons. And look at her face after each of those moments:

That’s not exactly the face of a brutal abuser. That’s someone who is just in way over her head and has no idea what she’s doing.

(It’s up to you if you want to include her slashing at Emily after her nightmare. Personally, I don’t, because it was a fear reaction and... Emily’s a robot.)

She gets angry, absolutely. She loses her temper and breaks things and threatens (usually by hitting the wall next to someone), but outside of battles, most of her attacks are verbal. Which leads me to my next point:

she keeps trying to manipulate people casually

Catra is absolutely amazing at reading people and making snap decisions on what to say that she thinks would get through to them or hurt them. Notable examples:

-Scorpia - “ And that's exactly why you have to go! How dare they pretend they're better just because you're different! How dare they abandon people just because they don't fit into their perfect little lives!” (Catra, 1x08, Princess Prom) Entrapta - “They left you. They left you, and they’re not coming back. Isn’t that just like Adora? She left me behind, too. Like I was nothing. Adora got her precious Bow and Glimmer back. All these princesses care about is people who are just like them. But you’re not like them, are you?” (Catra, 1x10, The Beacon) Hordak, after he says he needs Entrapta - “ Who do you think let the princesses in?” (Catra, 3x04, Moment of Truth)

Hell, even Horde Prime, in a way - she tells him that he needs her and Glimmer alive to activate the Heart of Etheria. Whether or not he’s actually convinced or if he’s just playing along to get what he wants is questionable, but she still had to think on her feet and used something she had known existed for like ten minutes (the Heart of Etheria).

And again, those are all choices she makes. Her manipulation skills are undeniable, but using them for fun would be falling back on old habits, something, again, she’s trying very hard not to do.

or she strikes a saleanis civilian when confronted

Again, Catra (aside from the two stun baton incidents) does not hit first outside of battle. Not to mention Salineas is probably one of worst regrets (along with the portal). She might tell someone to fuck off, especially if they bother her while she’s working, but hitting a civilian? That’s not even Old Catra. Old Catra would have just stopped and given them a death glare until they got scared and ran away.

It's like do you really like Catra as a character or do you just want a cute cat girl design that you can treat like an oc and give her any personality you want?

Season five Catra is meant to be a Catra who’s trying to heal and be a better person. Season four shows Catra slowly breaking down, all of the things that have made her personality up to this point - her anger, her resentment, the things she thinks she wants - being ripped away and leaving her empty. And when she survives Horde Prime, she can’t return to that persona. She tries in 5x06, and breaks halfway through because she just can’t do it anymore.

Adora confronts her twice, she tries to fall back into her old way of coping with things, and she’s exhausted by the end of it. She can’t maintain that kind of anger anymore. Four seasons and three-ish years later, she’s just... not capable of it.

But none of that means she’s “magically healed.” She still has a temper. She still lashes out and runs away when things get hard. She tries, and she backslides, because that’s what recovery is. Backsliding all the way to pre-Breakdown Catra, though? She can’t do that. Consciously, she knows no one will put up with it. Emotionally, she just can’t. And most importantly, she doesn’t want to. She wants to be a better person, she wants to be someone who deserves love and friendship.

And that is the Catra I enjoy writing. She’s not cutesy or ==^uWu^== - she’s broken. She’s trying to heal. She has sharp edges and trauma and she’s not always going to handle things well. But she’s also trying to learn better coping methods. She’s finally doing what she actually wants (recovering from the past and being a better person), and she deserves better than a fandom that wants her to go to back to being the toxic person she was pre-breakdown.

So I’m sorry if you don’t like my interpretation of Catra, Anon, but to be frank, I’m not too crazy about yours, either, so... I guess we’re done here.

[amillioninprizes]

An entirely too long post on how to fix Veronica Mars

So, anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time knows: 1) What a massive Veronica Mars fan I was and 2) how distraught I’ve been over the most recent season that debuted on Hulu in July. I’ve been pretty angry about it since it dropped, but the first month after I was pretty occupied with real life stuff. Now that I’m more settled, I’ve found myself getting sadder and angrier over time with just how terrible S4 was and what an obvious fuck you to longtime fans it was. It feels dumb to be so upset over a tv show, but this show got me through a lot over the past 8 years, and I feel like it’s been taken away from me.

 It’s anyone’s guess as to whether there will be a new season. Ideally it would end here with maybe an alternate ending filmed to avoid alienating fans further. On the one hand, the botched release, overwhelmingly negative response, and silence from the creators after initial interviews don’t look good for renewal chances. On the other hand, Hulu doesn’t have a lot of streaming hits, it probably did relatively decent numbers, and there are rumors floating around that its pickup chances look good. On a personal level, I hate the idea that this is where the legacy of Veronica Mars ends, while at the same time being extremely wary of what the creators have planned. I think a big part of the disappointment with S4 was that the movie and books set up what could have been some really interesting storylines and situations, all of which RT and co. squandered for cheap drama and to apparently turn the show into an entirely new vehicle; additionally I had hope that S4 would be a chance to rectify some problems the show has long had, but again, S4 exacerbated them. At this point I don’t expect anyone higher up in the creative process or at Hulu to give a fuck about the fans or making the show better as long as they hit streaming targets, but here are some suggestions:

Fire Rob Thomas

 While he created the show, it’s become clear that not only has he lost touch with the audience and the original spirit of the character, he doesn’t seem too keen on putting much effort into writing the show (as I will discuss below). Then you have his clear misogyny: his views that women in relationships can’t be interesting, that what makes Veronica interesting as a character is her trauma and how much she can endure, and the fact that basically every female character in the history of the show has a history of sexual victimization. He thought that making the Mexican cartel hitmen “philosophical” was subverting expectations (which says a lot of what his expectations of Latinx characters are). Then this is the way he essentially exploited his long term fan base to earn a new season of the show, only to turn around and tell us that we don’t matter. From a business perspective alone keeping him doesn’t make sense; selling a streaming platform on your loyal fanbase and then proceeding to purposefully piss ~80% of them off would be pretty questionable to me as someone in charge. The sheer cruelty with which he treated not only the fans who have supported him for 15 years (I fucking used to liveblog iZombie y’all. iZombie!), as well as how he callously dismissed long time cast members in favor of celebrity guest stars should not be rewarded. He’s admitted in interviews that he would be ok with younger writers doing a reboot many years in the future; why not just let him have a producer credit and then hand the show over to someone who’s invested in making it good?

Put a woman in charge and diversify the writing staff

A big problem with a) Veronica’s characterization in S4 b) RT’s ideas about what makes female characters interesting c) the show’s long history of problematic treatment of sexual assault is that it comes from a man’s conception of the female experience. The Veronica showcased in S4 and that RT wants to write in the future is very much a male fantasy: hates marriage and children, traumatized, DTF, and is too cool for other women. RT stated in interviews that he wanted to show Veronica at a “crossroads” this season in a way he claimed had been shown for men but not women; many female viewers found this depiction to ring false (few women are spending their time fretting about how committing to marriage after five years in an established relationship will bar us from strange sex going forward). In addition to having RT at the helm, most of the show’s writing staff for the majority of its run has been white dudes, which doesn’t bode well for telling the story of a female PI in a diverse community in today’s political climate. Putting a woman in charge would hopefully help rectify these issues to make the character feel more true to life and put a damper on the misogynistic storytelling. The show has a natural candidate in RT’s second-in-command Diane Ruggiero-Wright (despite her problematic history, never forget #KeisterEggGate), who has admitted to not being able to watch the last episode. Jennifer Graham, who wrote both of the books, would also be a worthy addition to the writing staff; while the books had a mixed reception, most fans agree that she got Veronica’s character right. And with the show’s problematic historical treatment of minority characters, adding more POC writers going forward is also necessary.

Bring back Logan (alive)

You don’t have to be a LoVe shipper to recognize just how integral Logan has been since the inception of the show, not just as Veronica’s partner but as a character is his own right. Logan’s journey in many ways parallels Veronica’s, and shows a contrast in how different characters respond to similar trauma. The most critical plot line in the show’s history, the mystery of who killed Lilly Kane, simply doesn’t work without Logan’s importance to Veronica. RT and his defenders like to claim that Logan was holding her back from true growth, which is frankly bizarre as he is the only character to consistently challenge her, like when he tells her that she obviously isn’t happy this season. Additionally, Logan’s scenes this season were the lone highlight of what was otherwise a painful slog of a season. Of the people who have said they would watch a potential S5, a good portion are only interested because they believe that the ambiguity of the last 10 minutes of the season means he’s not really dead (despite what RT has said in interviews). Then there’s what Logan’s death does to Veronica’s character, effectively cutting off what would have been an interesting character arc and stagnating her forever. No matter how much they try to shove Leo the pedo creep and other milquetoast RT self-insert love interests on us, no one else can possible measure up to Logan’s level in terms of being able to match Veronica as a character, intellectually or as a result of shared history.

Plus, the fact that we haven’t had a Weevil/Logan interaction since S3 is a goddamn travesty and should be rectified immediately.

Bring back Veronica

As sad as I am about Logan’s death, for me the most upsetting aspect of S4 was the assassination of Veronica’s character. For many viewers (including myself), the character we saw Kristen Bell portray in S4 wasn’t Veronica Mars but a different character with the same name. Between her abusive behavior towards Logan, her general indifference to her father’s medical condition, her dismissal of Wallace, and her racism towards Latinx characters (using a kid’s lawyer to threaten deportation: not a good look!), she was lacking the marshmallow-y center that always balanced out the pricklier aspects of her character and made her compelling. This change in characterization was especially jarring given that she was not this way when we last saw her in the books, where she mused about having children and sent her half-brother Hunter to summer camp (side note, but does he even exist anymore?). Many of us who had grown up with Veronica were hoping to see her grow with us as a character; instead we got an extreme regression lower than we’ve ever seen her. It would be one thing if they were trying to depict a PTSD storyline, which would make sense given her background, but since her change in behavior is never addressed by the narrative, it just makes her look like a cruel asshole and makes it impossible to root for her. This is exacerbated by the fact that RT has made it clear he has no interest in portraying her inner life, as shown by his wanting to avoid showing her grief over Logan’s death because it would be a real downer compared to the entertaining but ultimately hollow banter and quips he wants to focus on. Veronica this season was also just plain dumb: you mean to tell me that the girl who nearly got killed by Aaron Echolls in her back seat wouldn’t think to check her backseat every time she gets in a car?  (And let’s not even start with RT’s bizarre assertion in an interview that she apparently votes Republican). Not helping matters was Kristen Bell’s performance, which felt very flat for me this season compared to S1-3 and the movie; I don’t know if this was due to personal limitations or a reflection of the bad writing. Writers of future installments and KB herself would be wise to revisit S1, the movie, and the books to figure out what makes sense for Veronica’s character, leading me to my next point:

Get reacquainted with canon, develop a show bible, and hire a continuity director

This show has long had a problem with dropped plots, timelines, and continuity issues. Shelly Pomroy’s party has two happened either in the summer, or the fall. Then we have the movie paradox: Veronica graduated high school in 2006, which means her 10 year reunion should have taken place in 2016. The movie was released in 2014 and the books seem to keep to 2014 dates. Then S4 states that Keith’s movie accident took place in 2013, and mysteriously ages Veronica up to 35 when she should be 32 in 2019. Logan mentions an Aunt Naomi in S4--why didn’t she take care of him after Aaron was arrested (and what happened to Trina)? How the hell is Leo working as an FBI agent when he presided over the disappearance of the Lilly/Aaron tapes? Veronica is shown to be tentatively forgiving of Weevil taking the settlement from the sheriff’s department in Mr. Kiss and Tell, but is then shown to be extremely angry towards him for it in S4. This is just a small selection of the inconsistencies within the show. Plus there is the problem of repeated plot lines: Veronica rejects Leo in favor of Logan in S1, then rejects Leo in favor of Logan in Mr. Kiss and Tell, only for her to...reject Leo in favor of Logan in S4 (and RT says he wants to leave the high school plots behind). This sloppiness doesn’t bode well for a series that is supposed to be about mysteries, which require tight plotting. It would behove TPTB going forward to once and for all determine a timeline of Veronica’s life, keep a detailed record of past plot and character points, and have at least one person on staff who thinks to remember this stuff (RT notoriously has only a “solid, not spectacular” memory of the show, no matter what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says).

Make an effort (and do your fucking research) 

Moving on from continuity issues to more general problems with the laziness of RT’s writing. He has basically admitted that he doesn’t care much about facts or characterization when writing plots--he shoehorns details to fit the plot rather than have it evolve organically from the characters and prior canon. I know that when writing it’s often impossible to make every story detail 100% accurate, but the extent of RT’s sloppiness is alarming. This excellent Reddit thread details a lot of the problems with S4 in particular, but this has been a problem since S2. Did anyone ever understand exactly why the Fitzpatricks were invested in framing Logan for Felix’s death? In the movie, it makes no sense that if Cobb and co. wanted Carrie silenced, they would add the complication of framing Logan for her murder--given her history, it would have been a lot easier just to make it look like she had accidentally overdosed. Given his previous patterns of villain writing fans were able to guess the identity of the S4 bomber based on casting alone. The mysteries in both Mr. Kiss and Tell and S4 are both ripped from the headlines, which indicates that RT wants to turn VM into the next Law and Order. Meanwhile, he complained about how hard including Logan in the story in S4 was, while Logan arguably had the best lines and most interesting scenes this season--apparently when you put an effort into things, they work out! This laziness extends past storyline issues and into factual problems that detract from the quality of the plot. Longtime fandom pals are probably tired about hearing me go on and on about how there’s no way Aaron’s lawyers could have gotten Veronica’s medical records due to HIPAA laws. Logan’s career change from naval aviator to intelligence is highly unlikely (and unnecessary, given that they changed it only to fridge him at the end of the season). Meanwhile, I know fanfic writers who have spent hours on the phone with strangers in order to research what type of firearm would cause a specific type of bullet injury. It’s very puzzling to me that RT wants to take the show in the direction of being mystery-only when apart from that one time he is piss poor at writing mysteries and puts no effort into them. I shouldn’t have to tell television writers to, you know, do their job but this is what we’ve come to in 2019.

Know your audience

A majorly annoying thing about the promo for this season is how in every single interview Rob Thomas did he was always talking about how he wanted VM to be like other shows and movies: Fargo, True Detective, Game of Thrones, Chinatown (which is apparently the only noir movie he’s ever seen). The thing is, if I wanted to watch those shows, I would; I watched Veronica Mars specifically because I enjoyed its unique qualities, and I would say most fans agree. The general perception within the fandom is that with this season Rob Thomas seems to have been aiming to dump the old, majority female, CW fanbase in order to achieve what he perceives as a cooler prestigious male fanbase; the issue is, new people aren’t going to take up a show in its fourth season if they didn’t watch or didn’t like earlier seasons. Also, trying to write a prestigious show doesn’t make your show prestigious. Considering that based on anecdotal evidence most of the people who like S4 seem to be male, he may have succeeded in the first part of his aim. However, this majority female fanbase he was so willing to cast aside are the ones who have run fansites and rewatches during fallow times (i.e. between S3 and the movie and then between the books and S4), so drumming up interest among fans (and therefore streaming views) in the future may be a challenge. Plus, women are a better advertising demographic since they are more likely to be in charge of household purchasing decisions, so maintaining us as a fanbase makes business sense as well. He may have tricked enough people into watching S4 that S5 is given a go, but I wouldn’t be surprised if streams are weak beyond that. If the show is to succeed as a commercial endeavor, better to go with appealing to a known quantity than trying to make a generic show that very few people have expressed interest in watching.

Bring back the mystery of the week

This is a more minor thing I felt was missing from S4. I think after the criticism of S3 not having a season-long arc RT overcorrected in focusing on one mystery. However, the mystery of the week had the following benefits: 1) giving chances for the characters to interact and telling us more about them 2) helping to modulate the pace of the season-long arc. With better writing a season-long standalone mystery could maybe work, but in the case of S4 specifically the mystery was kind of dull and repetitive and could have stood to include a couple of diversions in the form of a smaller case here and there.

Re-evaluate the creators’ interpretation of the word “adult”

Much of the promo and reviews for this season noted the more “adult” content to be expected this season now that Veronica’s grown. Many fans hoped that meant seeing Veronica act like, you know, an adult with adult problems rather than a teenager less mature than the actual teenager she was. Unfortunately, the show’s interpretation of the word seems to be more in keeping with a television rating sense of the word--meaning sex, drugs, and gratuitous violence (But apparently not the word “fuck.”). Look, it was expected that as the show moved to a streaming service and given the overall dramatic scope that there would be an upgrade in some of this sort of content (and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t looking forward to steamier LoVe moments, which were sorely overpromised), but the way it was included this season felt like RT and co. included this stuff just because they could and not to serve the storyline. For me, personally, the biggest example of this was Veronica’s drug use, which I know didn’t necessarily bother everyone. Given her history as the daughter of an alcoholic as well as someone who had been the victim of two roofie attacks, not to mention the fact that her character never seemed to be into partying, I found it very out of character (and book writer Jennifer Graham agrees). It felt like RT included this just bc they thought it would be funny to see Veronica on drugs without considering whether it made sense for her character. Also, were the beheadings strictly necessary? Plus there’s RT’s little temper tantrum over not being able to use curse words this season--they weren’t present in the original show, no one was going to miss them now, and the “cuss” thing was just annoying and reminiscent of The Good Place. 

Dealing with a parent who maybe has dementia--that’s an adult storyline. Too bad RT ended it with a dumb excuse about “mixing meds” (another factual error! Pharmacy software would have caught it!) rather than actually exploring what it would mean for Veronica to see her father in decline and take over the family business (and give Rico Colantoni the exit he appears to want). This is the kind of adult content I would hope to see in future seasons.

Adult is not a synonym for “unrelentingly bleak” either. The original show, while dark, always had an element of hope that was completely removed from S4 (no matter what KB might claim). And would it have killed the writers to show Veronica wearing disguises and going undercover like she used to? There was nothing fun about this season (and no, I don’t count the multiple partying scenes as fun, more like sad).

Kill your darlings

It’s cliche, but it’s true. Another issue the show has long had is the writers keeping around characters or inserting jokes and references for their own personal amusement rather than for the story. The most notable example of this is the continued presence of Dick, a highly problematic character considering he pushed Beaver into the room with Veronica the night of Shelly Pomroy’s party, among a whole host of other racist, sexist, and generally obnoxious actions over the years. But because Ryan Hansen is so widely beloved among the cast and crew, so he stays. Then there’s the matter of the infamous Keister egg in 3x08, which the writers and KB have all expressed love for, despite the fact that said Keister egg is an example of sexual assault--which, even if the victim is a douchey fraternity president, is never funny. 

Also the constant Big Lebowski references are tiring. Watch a new movie.

Improve Neptune’s gender ratio

Veronica Mars, despite having a female lead, has always been a male-dominated show; other than Veronica herself, the only consistent female character over the original show was Mac (and she didn’t even come back this season). This is unacceptable in 2019, for any show. The books introduced promising female characters in the form of Marcia Langdon and Petra Landros, but Marcia’s character was was watered down for S4 and Petra was nowhere to be found. Additionally, Veronica and Mac have always been written as “cool girls” who looked down on other women for their femininity, which isn’t a great message. Almost every other female character, even the innocuous Parker, is portrayed as somehow bad or incompetent. I would love nothing more than a season centered on the women of Neptune and their interactions with each other. While we’re at it, stop giving every woman on this show a background of sexual victimization.

Treat VM as an ensemble show, not a Kristen Bell vanity project 

A major complaint from Burnt Marshmallows and S4 defenders alike was how little time was given over to the original core cast this season. While Veronica may be the protagonist, a large part of how the show became so beloved was her relationships with the other characters. Yet RT has decided that going forward VM will be a KB solo project, with her traveling town to town quipping and sleeping with strangers. This seems strange, given Kristen’s recent interviews talking about how difficult it is to shoot VM and how she never wants to be first on a call sheet ever again, not to mention how she asked for less screen time all the way back in S2, which resulted in the Weevil-Logan storyline, which was way more interesting than Veronica’s storylines during the first half of that season. (The traveling detective thing also seems weird considering that KB is pretty insistent on shooting in LA to be near her family.) Additionally, if this is truly the last season of VM with all the original characters, then no one got a proper sendoff. 

I’m not sure how willing much of the cast will be to return for future iterations, given how uncomfortable many of them seemed during promo as well RT and KB’s treatment of them (insensitive at best, deliberately mean at worst) this season (shout out to Tina Majorino for recognizing what a shit show this was going to be), but bringing back all the original characters into the fold and giving them significant storylines would go a long way to mending fences with fans, improving the show from a character arc perspective, and would also give KB the break she apparently wants. 

Recourt the fanbase

What has VM always been renowned for above all else? It’s incredibly loyal fandom which not only got it renewed twice during its original run but also put up their own money to get the movie made--I know many people who donated when they really couldn’t afford to. RT basically owes the last 6 years of his career to VM fans--the success of the Kickstarter arguably got him the iZombie show running gig, and the fourth season likely wouldn’t have even happened if not for it. Thus, the blatant cruelty and disregard with which RT and KB have treated fans during the promotion of S4 has been incredibly insulting and hurtful; I still can’t fathom what in the world possessed RT to think that throwing away this 15-year relationship was a good idea. It’s not a good sign when the 2 fansites most active during the post-movie period (VMHQ and VM Confessions) cease operations in the wake of S4, and when at least 3 out of 8 board members of the oldest running fan group, Neptune Rising (who were dormant during the post-movie period but played a critical role during earlier fan campaigns and in the S4 promo) resign. A fandom this loyal that was betrayed will not stand idly by if the S5 RT wants to make goes ahead; given the number of tweets the official Hulu VM account has had to delete in the wake of S4 due to the overwhelmingly negative response as well as the controversy over editing out Logan from S4 promos, I imagine that S5 will be a PR nightmare. Even if future seasons are amazing the trust can probably never be fully repaired, but it would be helpful for RT (or fingers crossed, a new show runner) and KB (as star and EP) to go overboard in reaching out to fans and at least admitting they made a misstep with the entirety of S4. Back in the day, the old Mars Investigation fansite was invited to set to conduct interviews; maybe do that again. Also someone should get KB some sort of VM fandom-fluent media trainer because I don’t think she has conducted a single interview during her entire stint on the show that didn’t anger fans (it might help if she actually bothered to watch the show).

Map out an endgame

Look, this can’t go on forever. As long as RT keeps leaving every installment open ended with the hopes of maybe getting renewed again five years down the line, the story is going to keep running into the issues the movie and S4 faced with having to shoehorn the characters into nonsensical plot lines to reconcile those endings and deal with actor availability issues. Either plot another 2-3 seasons to wrap the show up with a satisfying conclusion, or map out a greater timeline of Veronica’s life with spots where a mini series or movie here and there could fit in.

[vdoesbookrecs]

Book Review #6 - There’ll Be Peace When You Are Done

Blurb:  Come on, Simon Snow.

Your hero’s journey might be over - 

but your life has just begun.

SIMON SNOW IS BACK, AND HE’S COMING TO AMERICA!

The story is supposed to be over.

Simon Snow did everything he was supposed to do. He beat the villain. He won the war. He even fell in love. Now comes the good part, right? Now comes the happily ever after....

So why can’t Simon Snow get off the couch?

What he needs, according to his best friend, is a change of scenery. He just needs to see himself in a new light.

That’s how Simon and Penny and Baz end up in a vintage convertile, tearing across the American West. They find trouble, of course. (Dragons, vampires, skunk-headed things with shotguns.) And they get lost. They get so lost, they start to wonder whether they ever knew where they were headed in the first place.

With Wayward Son, Rainbow Rowell has written a book for everyone who ever wondered what happened to the Chosen One after he saved the day. And a book for everyone who was ever more curious about the second kiss than the first. It’s another helping of sour cherry scones with an absolutely decadent amount of butter. 

Synopsis: Following the events of Carry On, Simon, Baz and Penny are more or less free to do whatever they want. Penny and Baz throw themselves into Uni work - and worry about Simon, who seems to be falling deeper and deeper into depression. When Agatha, who moved to California to get away from all magic, starts acting strange over text, making Penny worry, the three of them jump at the chance to get a change of scenery. Armed with a spell that makes Simon’s wings disappear and some stolen plane tickets, the three of them fly to Chicago, Illinois to pick up Penny’s boyfriend Micah on the way. 

Only Micah doesn’t seem to see himself as Penny’s boyfriend anymore. 

In fact, he sees himself as someone else’s boyfriend altogether. Penny is crushed and would much rather return home, but the boys think they might as well finish their road trip, and after all, Agatha still needs their help. But without someone to explain the completely different set of rules the American magical community lives by, the group gets into all sorts of trouble. Good thing they have the mysterious Normal Shep offering to be their guide. If only they could figure out what Shep wants from them - and why he knows so much about magic. Meanwhile, Agatha gets kidnapped by a group of suspiciously well-kept entrepeneurs who call themselves the NextNow and have a feud with the King of Las Vegas. 

What was supposed to be a relaxing vacation is quickly turning into a dangerous and violent getaway drive across half America - but at least Baz’ and Simon’s relationship is still going strong...right?!

My thoughts: I have so much going on in my life right now that I honestly forgot about Wayward Son being released. And then I saw the memes on Tumblr and thought to myself: No way in HELL am I reading this now, I don’t need any extra stress in my life (I recently moved, I’m pretty homesick, my anxiety is going haywire, the usual). Only then I was doing some exploring in the city and stumbled across a bookshop. And they had this. And it was exactly ten Euros. And I had ten Euros. 

I read it in one sitting, and then I reread it again yesterday, because it’s just that damn good. 

The writing style is On Point, the story is gripping, we get so much more information on magic and how it works, the ‘European persons shocked by American culture’ is played so well, and Baz challenges Simon to a duel with the Master Sword from The Legend of Zelda in Shakespearean English when they visit a renaissance fair. Need I say more?

That being said, I would like to address some things the fandom has been freaking out about though. 

I’ve seen a lot of posts saying the book reads like a fanfiction, or the classic ‘lmao that was wild, anyone know when the REAL Wayward Son is coming out’, and....I don’t get it. In my opinion, Wayward Son read a lot more ‘bookish’ than Carry On, which I totally would’ve bought as fanfic (High School AU, Boarding School AU, Magic AU, Vampire!Baz, Chosen One!Simon Evil!Mage, BAMF!Penny. Do these tags sound familiar? If you’ve ever read any Harry Potter AU or crossover fic for any other fandom ever, they should.) Carry On, like a fanfiction, jumps right into the interesting stuff and kind of assumes you know the characters already. Wayward Son does not, though I will grant you it’s a sequel and doesn’t have to introduce its characters like the first volume of a series does. 

The real reason why lots of people who’ve read Carry On don’t want Wayward Son to be canon is a different one, though, and it’s the portrayal of Simon and Baz’ relationship as crumbling and, potentially, failing. And listen, I would’ve totally got that if it really was the way y’all made it sound before I read it myself, but it isn’t. 

Wayward Son is not the story of a relationship falling apart; It’s the story of two people who formed a relationship in very specific circumstances preserving that relationship after these circumstances completely disintegrate. When Baz and Simon got together, Baz clearly had the role of the adversary, and had had it for years. Simon was used to being the all-powerful Chosen One, who knew almost nothing beyond school and foster homes and fighting the evil of the day. Now, none of that is true, and they’ve all witnessed it come apart in front of their very eyes. They’ve witnessed their headmaster and father figure, respectively, kill a person. They know they are responsible for his death, even if their actions were justified. They witnessed one of their friends become traumatized to the point where she gave up magic. Penny couldn’t even bring herself to go back to Watford for her final exams, and y’all expect them and more importantly their relationships, especially Simon and Baz’ relationship, which was literally founded on trauma, to magically be O.K. because they moved to London and can make out without risking the contempt of everyone around them now? 

Bitch please.

As someone who went through a really hard time on a very much smaller scale, I actually think Wayward Son is unbelievably optimistic about Simon and Baz’ relationship. I mean, for fucks sake, it literally ends with a prologue. A prologue is what comes before a story, not after. 

In my opinion, Simon dealing with internalized homophobia, depression and a fucked up self image and that clashing with both his and Baz’ PTSD and Baz’ trauma and internal conflict about being a vampire is very well portrayed and written, and I, for one, am very glad to see the aftermath of being the protagonist of a ‘chosen one’ story being treated realistically. I mean, could you imagine if Rainbow Rowell had pulled a J.K. Rowling? Would you really be happy with the white picket fence and 2.5 children type of ending that a big part of the fandom seems to be screaming for? 

Do I recommend this book? Yes tf I recommend this book. I recommend it so hard if I recommended it any harder it would fly through your computer screen and smack you in the face. 

Don’t read this book if...

...you want a story or an ending where Simon and Baz are completely fine and happy.

...you’re squeamish about blood, violence, kidnapping, unconsensual medical testing, multiple near-deaths for several main characters, unsafe medical procedures, body horror. 

...your least favourite characters in Carry On were Penny and Agatha and you hoped that Wayward Son would focus less on them than Carry On did. 

[parasite-core]

@aggressivewolfstarshipper Thank you so much for the OC questions :) I hope you don’t mind I answer them here, it got a bit long to answer in chat.

When does each OC go to bed?

Aiden: Is a morning person by necessity. He goes to bed early and gets up early. He had a lot of work to do daily, starting early and lasting for much of the day. He would fish early in the morning at dawn, help with mending tools and making new ones, and lend a hand with farming or hunting when needed.

Lyra: Is a deep sleeper who would be a night owl and late riser if she could get away with it, but is generally woken up early to help with chores around the house, sewing and mending, and taking care of the animals.

Ceron: Huge night owl. He loves nothing more than the quiet hours in the dead of night when nothing is expected of the few people still awake, and he can peacefully read his books or work on his research uninterrupted.

Dawn: Neither a night owl nor an early bird by virtue of living underground with no sense of day or night. Her people simply sleep when they’re tired. The fact that different people have different natural sleep cycles works in their favor, since some people will always be awake when others are asleep, so there’s always someone with eyes open for a possible Diaske attack.

Where do they live?

I’m going off where they grew up, because a few of them end up unable to return home early in the story so some of this changes early on.

Aiden and Lyra: The Valentia siblings grew up in a small coastal village called Grymora. It’s a self sufficient little village that doesn’t have much contact with the larger cities to the north due to the danger Diaske raiding parties present to travelers moving between towns. Much of their livelihood is made from fishing and farming.

The village is kept safe from the Diaske raids because once a decade they draw lots and sacrifice a dozen people between the ages 16-60 by throwing them into the Abyss for the Diaske to take. These sacrifices keep the Diaske appeased. It’s considered the highest act of cowardice to run away from your duty if you’re chosen, and it’s also the most noble act to volunteer to be chosen. Those who volunteer exempt the rest of their family from the lot for that decade’s drawing, and this is often chosen by people nearing 60 who don’t want to put their younger family members in the line of danger.

They’re led by a council of elders, who are all people who have lived past the age to be eligible for sacrifice. ‘Strangely’ it seems some families make it to this age more often than others, which has created an unofficial ruling class within the village.

Ceron: Ceron grew up in the largest human city on the continent Tymprase. It’s been able to reach a higher level of prosperity than the smaller villages because it’s under the direct protection of the Twilisk, who keep the Diaske raiders at bay. Unlike the smaller towns, people in Tymprase can travel to trade with other human settlements, as followers of the Order of Twilight can get members of the Twilisk to escort them safely outside the city walls. The city is dedicated to learning, science, and the growth of humanity.

In exchange for their protection, the people of Tymprase follow the edicts of the Twilisk. While the majority of people in town are just regular people going about their business and casually following the Twilisk as much or little as they feel is socially acceptable, there’s a very large portion of people fully dedicated to the teachings of the Twilisk, and anyone with any sway in the city is a follower. The Order of Twilight is the most powerful group in town, the Shineblood at the head of the city’s temple is the closest thing to a ruler they have. The goal of members of the temple is to master themselves enough to be seen as worthy to ascend by the Twilisk, to be taken to the Isle of Twilight to become Shineblooded themselves, and return as something more than human. Only a select few have ever been chosen, and even fewer have ever returned, but the promise of self actualization and power beyond human comprehension keeps people reaching for this goal.

Dawn: Dawn is from The Abyss. Specifically a small settlement called Jra’Starr, settled by Shadowblooded rebels who call themselves Elves, in reference to an ancient story of a race of immortals said to have been sent by the Twilisk at the dawn of time to drive the Diaske to the Abyss. This settlement is made up of former humans who became trapped in the Abyss for one reason or another, and who eventually succumbed to becoming Shadowblooded out of their hatred and desire for revenge against the Diaske in the Abyss who tortured and hunted them at every turn. They took the name of those who bested the Diaske once before, and swore to become the avengers of humanity within the Abyss. The majority of them have no desire to return to the surface anymore, in part because they fear their new forms will be hideous to former loved ones, and in part because their desire to destroy the Diaske has become so integral to their being that the idea of leaving the fight to return home isn’t even an option in their minds.

Jra’Starr has little in the way of commerce or sustenance, as a rogue settlement in the heart of the Abyss. The elves primarily scavenge and hunt for food, although there are some edible fungi and roots that they’ve cultivated within their village to help ease the need for dangerous scavenging missions. All members of the elven people old enough to learn a weapon are trained as warriors and hunters by necessity, as they’re a small settlement in the heart of enemy territory, always one attack away from being wiped out.

Which ones have mental disorders they refuse to address?

This is a tough one, in part because these characters haven’t fully settled so answers to something like this might change, in part because I’m not neurotypical so I don’t think I’ve ever written a single wholly neurotypical character in my life (although I don’t always have the knowledge to say what a character would have in reality if they were to be diagnosed with something), and in part because of the setting. They’re not in a setting where mental disorders are treated well, especially in the human society, so even if they knew and had the right language for it, it would be difficult to seek legitimate help. A lot of this is because of humanity following the Twilisk, who believe emotions are a weakness and a poison, so many mental disorders are waved off by followers of the Path of Twilight as the person’s weakness and inability to better control their mental state, rather than being taken seriously as something they have no control over.

For instance Lyra and Aiden’s mother has severe depression, but is considered anywhere from lazy to cursed rather than being given the sympathy and help she needs, and as a result Lyra ends up in some difficult situations without her mother’s help, because her mother isn’t in a fit mental state to be the mother Lyra needs. This also causes Lyra and Aiden to mask any similar symptoms they might have, in fear of being treated the same, which wears on a person over time.

Ceron has a lot going on in his head and wouldn’t go looking for help for any of it. He was raised in the Order of Twilight temple, so he was submerged from a young age in the teachings that emotions are dirty evil things that humanity needs to purge to ascend to greater heights. He isn’t good at controlling and masking his emotions at all, he wears his heart on his sleeve whether he wants to or not, which causes him a lot of self loathing and guilt, because he’s trying his hardest to live up to the Twilisk’s edicts but still falling short. He feels like anywhere from a failure to a monster depending on the day, which makes him try even harder to hide his feelings, which in turn inevitably leads to his emotions exploding when it’s too much and him circling back around to feeling terrible about ‘losing control’.

Aiden and Ceron both have some level of anxiety. Ceron’s is more generalized anxiety, while Aiden’s is more about how others view him. Aiden has a great deal of self doubt he masks by trying to act tougher and braver than everyone else, because it tears him apart to even think someone might think he’s a coward like his father. Lyra and Aiden both have some level of abandonment issues from their father leaving. Aiden shows it more, becoming a bit clingy with people he gets close to and stressing when they leave, whereas Lyra bottles it up and gets distant when she starts getting scared she’s going to be abandoned. Essentially beat them to the punch of cutting ties, make it on her own terms in her perception.

Dawn is probably the most well adjusted of the main cast, but she was still taught as a child how to be a warrior and that fighting the Diaske is the most noble cause she should always strive for, so there’s definitely still some issues there. Probably some PTSD from fighting and killing from a young age, and a bit of a dangerous hero complex, if nothing else.

[wackygoofball]

Not sure if you take requests or suggestions, so apols if I'm overstepping here, but how about a J/B Homeland-inspired moodboard?

Hi anon, thanks for the suggestion. And no, you are not overstepping boundaries by suggesting something to me. The only thing is that I can never make solid promises to fulfill whatever prompt someone may send my way, though I always try my best, that much is for sure.

As to your suggestion, here is what I came up with. I hope it is to your liking:

Moodboard: Jaime x Brienne - Homeland AU

Brienne of Tarth observes with growing agitation as the news about Commander Lannister’s return home flicker across her TV screen. While most others are simply happy to see the war veteran return after eight long years in a prison in Asshai everyone believed was his final destination, The WIA officer is not sure whether this is indeed a moment to cheer for. After all, she heard from an informant not too long ago that the terrorist group Red God, which follows the faith of R’hllor all the way down to burning people alive, managed to turn someone and make him one of their own.

Which begs one major question: What if Commander Lannister is the one they managed tomake into a double agent?

And what damage can he do, considering that JaimeLannister is one of the most capable generals the Westeros Army has ever seen?

Her concerns remain mostly ignored by authorities, a circumstance not new to Brienne ever since Renly’s assassination. They think she is mad for believing that Stannis Baratheon had his hands in this, even more so when he was confirmed dead in Asshai and Brienne still insisted on following up on the leads she had gathered on him.

Death does not release you from a vow, after all, and Brienne is determined to find out the truth, even if that means being ostracized by the rest of the department, even if that means staying alone. They mocked her even before she was labelled as “the crazy one,” feeling ever the more confirmed when she was “diagnosed” with PTSD. Brienne doesn’t have the time for that kind of nonsense. She has a case to solve, two now, in fact, because Jaime Lannister may be part of the missing link between Asshai and Westeros, between the attack on Renly, Stannis’ death, and the ominous woman Melisandre A.

In a group therapy session Brienne is required to attend as part of her regiment, she is surprised to run into Jaime Lannister, who is apparently the newest member of the group. Though, as he says, he doesn’t want words to get out about the matter because he is already being chased around enough by news anchors and paparazzi wanting to know all the things he would likely rather keep to himself.

“It’s making me dizzy to be bathed in all of that attention. It actually makes me miss my prison cell sometimes.”

Brienne finds herself caught up between wanting to press for information and actually having conversation with the man all over the news. Because Jaime seems much different from the image she had of him even before he disappeared – he doesn’t seem like the ominous Kingslayer, the man who shot his own commander Aerys Targaryen in the back during an operation, just like he doesn’t appear like the great threat she saw in him when she saw Jaime get off the plane, looking perfectly out of place as the entire nation watched on.

But Brienne won’t be fooled. If what her sources say is true, then that is a wolf in sheep’s skin, or rather, a lion in sheep’s skin.

The young woman remains surprised that the man seems to have little hesitation to open up to her after some casual conversation during and after the group therapy sessions, a circumstance Brienne is both glad for, for the sake of the investigation, and irritated by, because it raises more and more doubts in her. And Brienne cannot afford having doubts, not on this.

Can this man be the mole her sources mentioned, set on carrying out the will of Red God, of Melisandre A and her followers, when Jaime simply appears to be a broken man who can’t seem to adapt to the life he returned to, as it carried on without him there?

“I visited my own grave a few weeks back. It’s quite an experience,” he tells her one time, the way he always does, with a smile he doesn’t ever seem to mean.

“I can’t say it’s much of an experience to go see other people’s graves.”

“The quirks of being a believed-to-be-dead-though-actually-not prisoner of war.”

While Brienne tries her best to maintain emotional distance from the man, she seemingly can’t help but remain closely tied to Jaime even outside the job. Against all odds, there appears to be a special connection between them, one that goes deeper than sharing in similar experiences or finding their psychologists not worth their time.

“You may be the first person to treat me like a human being instead of a ghost from the past,” Jaime tells her one night when both agree to have a coffee in a nearby diner. “I am either the war hero or the long lost son… or if you asked my sister, I waited too damn long to come back because I could help it and just chose out of spite to be imprisoned… but never quite… me. Whoever that is. But with you… I at least feel like a person, you know?”

“Or maybe it’s just the group therapy showing effect at last?” she suggests uncertainly.

“I don’t think so. Last time you weren’t there and it did nothing for me. There’s something about you, Brienne of Tarth.”

“And do you find that good or bad?” she asks.

“I don’t know. I just know that there is something. And what about you?”

“Me?”

“Well, I bet you have better to do than listening to me moping about how shitty my life is, even though I should consider it all a gift and all that crap, being the ungrateful bastard I happen to be,” he huffs.

“It’s tough to be the one surviving while others… have not. Gift or not… it’s tough to accept it.”

“You mean Renly.”

“Yes, I mean Renly.”

He smiles. “You know you didn’t answer my question, right?”

“We all got something to hide, don’t we?” she sighs.

“What? Me? Having something to hide? Please. What could I possibly hide?”

“Just about everything?”

“But only just almost.”

It isn’t until long that Brienne crosses the dangerous line between personal and professional, leaving her wondering whether the security she finds in that man’s embrace is real or just part of a game he tries to play against her. At the same time, Jaime seemingly starts to have doubts of his own, questioning Brienne’s background and motivation more and more frequently, wanting to get more information on what she actually does for a job, something they normally don’t speak of, seemingly sensing that their private bliss hidden away in a house by a lake is not entirely what it seems to be.

“Maybe I am not the only one who has something to hide.”

An upcoming summit where Jaime is supposed to give a speech to address the war in Asshai throws Brienne into an even greater emotional turmoil, a condition impossibly worsened when she receives conflicting information on the mole supposed to get revenge on behalf of Red God. Some sources suggest that Jaime is behind this, other sources hint at another person who has not revealed himself just yet who may be in one camp with Melisandre A.

The fact that Jaime and Brienne have a huge fight when he confronts her about her investigation after going through her personal belongings does nothing to help the matter. Both feel betrayed and like they are betraying one another, and that even though they wanted to dare to trust one another against all odds.

When Jaime does not show up to the summit as a guest and news reach the WIA that Melisandre A. managed to get into King’s Landing without anyone’s notice, Brienne already fears for the worst - namely that she will be proven right.

And for the first time ever, Brienne hopes, prays that she is wrong.

That it’s not him.

That it’s not true.

That what is true is what passed between them over bad coffee and sitting on a dock, watching the sun rise over the lake and share everything of themselves in the fraction of a moment of a kiss. 

A race against time begins as Brienne keeps searching for the mole, all the while hoping  that it isn’t the man she learned to trust, learned to love. After all, the mole is the man she will have to take down to protect the people.

Because Brienne will do it if she has to, because that is her job.

Though does she have to?

And who will be held at gunpoint when the trigger is pulled?

Additional Image Sources: Homeland (2011 – present).

[drowningcomicart]

time to wrestle with the pigs i guess, because this has got to end right the fuck now

content warnings for this post include pedophilia mentions, abuse mentions, suicide/suicide baiting, and csa mentions, and to everyone not involved hi, this has been my life for almost a year, it’s a lot of bullshit so tread with caution i guess. (and no i’m not putting it under a read more because this is important.)

with that out of the way, i want to make it very explicitly clear that i’m not writing this post as an apology, nor am i going to ‘justify’ myself because there’s nothing to fucking justify. but i’m addressing it because we’ve officially hit november, and that means that for nine fucking months, i have heard every disingenuous opinion on this mess there is to hear, whether i wanted it or not. and i am tired, and i am done, but y’all wanna keep beating this horse, so here i am.

for those who are unaware, in february of this year someone in the fantroll circle--or at least the one i’m part of--was being unjustly harassed by some dumbass teenagers with a chip on their shoulders and nothing better to do. and because no one else was saying or doing anything, i made a post calling out the stupidity of bothering someone over an art style and if they were blown, they should just block and move on. i never mentioned the harasser’s usernames, not even in the tags. but i guess the ringleader’s guilty conscience took over, because they came crytyping at me in a dm to take the post down and how it wasn’t faaaaiiirrr. and when i gave no sympathy, saying i had not mentioned them by name and if they felt guilty, maybe they shouldn’t be a vicious asshole to people, magically they weren’t sad and anxious about how people would treat them (ha) anymore; they got mad. mad enough that they started a smear campaign against me under the guise of Protecting The Community and horribly twisting one of my characters into something he’s not so they could call me a pedophile.

he is a csa survivor. he has bad coping mechanisms for that trauma, and yes, it is dark. it is uhealthy and sad and tragic and awful. but it is still part of his story, and i am not going to shy away from telling it. and since that entire blog always had nsfw tagged, and unless tumblr was fucking around should not have been accessible to anyone under 18 in the first place, the abusive little shits who made it their personal goal to drive me out of the community, off of tumblr, and apparently hopefully into killing myself, should not have been able to see that content at all. unless they chose to, and again as mentioned above, it was definitely a choice. a choice born of spite and violence, because it was ONLY to have “dirt” on me when i called them on their shit behavior. because, i cannot stress this enough, it was never ever about pedophilia. it was about a power struggle. a made up stupid power struggle they felt the need to ‘win’ at any and all costs, including making a wildly serious accusation with no substance, altering screenshots to serve their purpose, and taking everything out of context to suit their narrative. and this is how it is for literally every single anti-based argument out there.

now we all know how i feel about the purity crusade happening on this dumpsterfire of a website, but in case you don’t THERE IS NO CASE WHATSOEVER IN WHICH DARKFIC IS THE SAME THING AS REAL LIFE CRIMES. if you disagree with that, please block me. please. literally right now. block me. block me and go away and i only pray you learn to separate fiction from reality and don’t turn into what these demons are. because i don’t care how much you disagree with someone, i don’t care how much you don’t like them, i do not care about any of it. your presence in those spaces is your choice. because despite what antis will have you believe, people writing and drawing this stuff always--and i will say always knowing you’re smart enough to not give me The One Exception as your airtight strawman to render every other argument invalid--tag it, keep it in adult-only spaces, and are responsible enough to know what ‘i understand and wish to continue’ buttons mean.

and so, knowing that fiction does not equal reality, and that the spaces these fictions are written in are inherently designed to make it so only people who say yes i wanna see it can access it, or hell even knowing basic fucking human decency, there is NO reason to suicide bait someone. ever. period. do not tell people to die you actual fucking monsters. people HAVE killed themselves. and if you’re okay with that, if you are really seriously willing to say someone deserved to die over fiction, block me. i don’t want to see anything from you until you find your humanity again. and yet here i am, again 9 months after the fact, and people are STILL messaging me about it. even my would be supporters, the ones who claim they’re only concerned for my reputation or whatever, are being disingenuous and victim blaming. all i have heard is “you should prove your innocence cos you’re making people uncomfortable otherwise”. it belies their stance on these things; that they secretly agree it’s ok to harass content creators so long as they can pretend to themselves it’s justified in some small way. that if someone doesn’t want to give their abusers--and internet harassment IS abuse do not @ me on this one--a platform, it’s the same as admitting they’re correct, no matter how absurd the lie. Yet they do nothing to show support for people being harassed because they’re too concerned with living in their comfortable bubble to make even the smallest effort to oust abusive jackasses from their own community, and then go on to bellyache that the fandom “isn’t what it used to be” and wonder “where everyone went”.

with any luck, they’re like me and they “went” to doctors and got medicated for the depression and anxiety this sort of shit exacerbates, and blocked all involved for their own sanity and because they don’t owe anyone shit. but more likely, from what i’ve seen? they’re dead. and if that makes you sick, if that makes you uncomfortable, it fucking should. people are fucking dead because of fictional characters, from a source that in and of itself deals with very upsetting and adult themes using child protagonists. regardless if they’re survivors of abuse themselves, or just like to explore anxieties and fears in the very VERY safe environment of fiction, where there are no real life consequences, it doesn’t matter. there’s no such thing as people who are “allowed” to write these subjects and people who are not. no one needs to put their life and vulnerabilities on the table for complete strangers to judge and deem worthy or unworthy of basic decency. to say otherwise is despicably transparent in their motives to exploit already vulnerable people for their personal entertainment or self gratification, and yet people fall for it every goddamned time.

i’m not going to make an argument that i’m not a pedophile because i shouldn’t have to. y’all should be able to use your fucking brains well enough to know that someone drawing fictional scenarios is not the same as a real adult abusing real children with very real world consequences. if it is personally upsetting to you, or makes you feel uncomfortable, or even triggers ptsd please for the love of god leave the blog.  why would you put yourself through that? why would you, if you are so against it, actively seek it out and harass people who make it? i would never call people outright liars about what does and does not trigger them. but it seems to me the only people who would behave in this way are either not as bothered as they have convinced themselves and everyone else they are, or they have some seriously bad coping mechanisms for their own trauma that are in no way the fault of the authors and artists at the receiving end of their vitriol. but as someone who was horribly abused, emotionally and psychologically, for the majority of my life, i know an abusive power trip when i see one.

if y’all have been supporting these people without thinking about it, i don’t want your apologies and shame, and likely no one else you’ve let get trampled with no help does either. but you have to do better. WE have to do better. even something as small as blocking people you know to be abusive jerks in the community can make a world of difference because they can’t have power if you don’t let them have a platform.

and as for the people in the community who started this mess, cos i know you still look up my posts in the tags--i’m not afraid of you. i’m not fucking going anywhere. i am here to enjoy my characters, enjoy my writing, enjoy making art and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. you are not going to silence me because you got mad that i called you out for being an abusive asshole. and anyone who listens to your bullshit deserves better than to be manipulated and frightened of you. fucking grow up and get some help, because lying about wanting to protect people by causing active harm to others is more morally bankrupt than any darkfic could ever be.

[beccaland]

What are your opinions on the RTD era's companions' relationship with the Doctor? 'Cos personally, they bother me a little sometimes, and I was curious what your opinion was.

Yeah, they bother me a little too. I’m actually going to share some thoughts about the characters themselves, as well as their respective relationships to the Doctor. Partly, I want to do that because not to do so would be an injustice to the characters. So, here goes.

Rose (and Mickey a bit, because you can’t really separate an analysis of their characters and he’s a companion too):

Rose is a charismatic character, and I think just right for relaunching the series. She’s young and displays many of the flaws of young people, yet in other ways is more mature than other adults, including her own mum–indeed Rose is often seen taking on a role of parenting her parent. While Jackie seems content to live off the dole, Rose has a job. It’s not a particularly good job, but she seems to be given a fair bit of trust and responsibility, probably above what her official position warrants, which suggests that she’s earned the admiration and reliance of her boss–and given her home life, that’s not surprising. Rose is clearly used to having to be more responsible than her peers. She’s vibrant, curious, compassionate, and brave.

She also takes advantage of Mickey’s affection for her, perhaps without realizing it (at least at first). She’s pretty judgy generally, and she’s not above using the Doctor as well. This suggests that despite (perhaps in part because of) being brought up by an emotionally immature parent and having to take on a lot of responsibility before she was really old enough to bear it, Rose is quite selfish.

Now, as to her relationship to the Doctor, meeting him does two things for her: it gives her an apparently easy escape from a life she feels trapped in, and it gives her the opportunity to develop a relationship with someone unlike anyone she’s ever known, who seems to see potential in her far beyond what any other person in her life has ever shown (especially Jackie and Mickey), and who is both willing and able to protect her and to care about what she feels and wants. Am I saying the Doctor started out as more of a parent-substitute than a boyfriend? Yes I am. Is that kind of creepy? I think so. But not necessarily more creepy than him being her boyfriend, given the age gap.

OK, so Rose gives Mickey a kiss and obliquely tells him “thanks for nothing” before swanning off with the Doctor. By the time she comes back, a year has passed for everyone she knows but just one day for her. This causes ENORMOUS problems for Jackie and Mickey in particular, and she does seem genuinely sorry (well, sorry to Jackie–she seems mostly annoyed with Mickey’s anger AT BEING SUSPECTED OF MURDERING HER. BECAUSE SHE RAN OFF WITH AN ALIEN). This gets swiftly brushed aside by alien shenanigans, and Rose swans off again–leaving Mickey apparently in some doubt as to their relationship status. The nature of her relationship to the Doctor is also left ambiguous at this point, but she’s clearly not thinking of him as “substitute for parental acknowledgement and affection” anymore. She flirts like crazy with Jack who flirts like crazy with both her and the Doctor and both she and the Doctor seem vaguely jealous of the other’s attention to Jack. Back to Mickey meeting them in Wales, who apparently STILL DOESN’T KNOW that Rose has basically dumped him, and does she make that clear? No, but the Doctor is acting more and more like a jealous boyfriend (and really doesn’t stop treating Mickey like garbage until the poor guy saves them and stays behind in Pete’s World, thus earning his respect, I guess, and also removing the threat), and none of this is Mickey’s fault. He’s astute enough to see, at least, that the Doctor and Rose’s relationship is destructive to others.

After the Doctor regenerates, they’re 100% in couple mode, with Rose referring to the events of S1E2 as their “first date” and the Doctor happily assenting to this characterization (has Rose actually broken up with Mickey yet? Honestly can’t remember, but I don’t think Mickey knew it if she had). The Doctor and Rose have a deeply codependent relationship. We might attribute this to her dysfunctional relationship with Jackie and the Doctor’s recent PTSD. They latch onto each other like needy puppies, and this isn’t a criticism, because there are really people who fit these profiles, and they are not bad people, and it does make for interesting characters and good storytelling, but it’s by no means a healthy depiction of a relationship.

Consider, for instance, that the Doctor tries to send her away (no doubt he felt he was making a noble sacrifice, but he did this against her clear and repeatedly expressed wishes, and with the complicity of Pete). Rose ignores the Doctor’s clearly expressed wishes and comes back, which, fair enough I guess, but it all ends in tragedy anyway. So what does he do? HE BURNS UP AN ENTIRE SUN just so he can say goodbye. I mean, I’m sure he verified it was not an inhabited solar system, but seriously. In that goodbye chat, he specifically tells her that they cannot get across the barrier between universes because “the whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse.”

Does Rose accept the judgment of the person who is unquestionably the foremost person in either universe able to evaluate the risk of such an attempt? No she doesn’t. We learn in series 4 that even before the stars started going out, she was having Torchwood build a DIMENSION CANNON to P U N C H. A. H O L E. IN THE UNIVERSES!!! like presumably as many as it took for her to find the right one. Just so she could get back to him. AFTER HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTED. BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY THEM. This is portrayed as romantic rather than horrific. Seriously. And then he dumps his problematic clone on her and goes back to his own universe. SO ROMANTIC. Sorry, I try not to be rude about Rose’s relationship with the Doctor. I think it’s actually an interesting dynamic that makes sense in context, but it really bugs me that so many people view it unproblematically, and it bugs me even more that people don’t imagine both Rose and the Doctor growing out of it. Like, I can’t lie: I think that’s wacked and super unhealthy, in much the same way (though to a lesser degree) as the Twilight series and its fans are, except Doctor Who is still better-written and far more interesting.

That said, I’d be willing to read a well-written fix-it fic that depicts them growing out of their unhealthy codependent dynamic while staying together romantically. TBH I’d be more interested if it were Rose and Tentoo because then it would be canon-compliant, but I’m not too picky on that point. I AM picky about it not even remotely disrespecting the relationship the Doctor had with any other companion though. And it would have to have a whole “you were so obsessed with me that you were willing to destroy an unspecified number of universes, INCLUDING THE ONE YOUR FAMILY AND BEST FRIEND WERE IN, just to see me again for a brief period of time before this universe also collapsed WITH US IN IT and honey, that’s actually CREEPY AND GROSS even though I thought it was super sweet at the time, but in my defense the universe was already ending at that point anyway and you don’t have that excuse because in your case it was PREMEDITATED” conversation because otherwise I won’t believe they’ve actually grown as people. Also it’d be nice if it were funny more than angsty (but lbr you can’t write what I’m talking about without a fair amount of angst). So, y'know, if anyone has actually written that fic lmk.

Meanwhile, there’s MARTHA.

OK so I’m on record about how awesome Martha is. This is already getting long so I won’t belabor Martha’s total awesomeness as a character, but even though I got a bit tired of dysfunctional family relationships in New Who, it was novel to see them have any ongoing family relationships at all, and Martha’s was particularly rich, partly there were so many of them for her to interact with, thus revealing lots of different facets of her character. And despite her fractious relationship with them, she remained fiercely loyal, which was an interesting source of tension between her and the Doctor, and one that diverted attention away from the dental-drill painfulness of the unrequited love subplot.

It’s super gross that the writers made her hung up on the Doctor all the way through series 3. Not because it’s ridiculous for an intelligent, perceptive, professional young woman to be hung up on an emotionally unavailable man. No, that really happens to actual human beings (and again, possibly related to serious parental issues, so it’s not even without narrative justification). Handled with any sensitivity at all, it could have made for a lovely level of complexity. What really bugs me, and I’ve also written about this before, is how the Doctor treats her like GARBAGE, and this is barely addressed as a problem that he is responsible for. In the end Martha realises her mistake in sticking around for so long, but her attempts to call out his bad behavior in the past fell on deaf ears. Martha is the rebound girl but he acts like he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Which, IDK, maybe he really doesn’t know? Like for all his 900+ years the Doctor has little previous actual relationship experience and also he’s super blindingly hung up on his high school-esque sweetheart Rose. And it’s not just in regards to Martha’s romantic feelings that he treats her poorly. He also dismisses her VERY VALID CONCERNS about her own safety and well-being when traveling in the past for the sake of his own whims. And he brushes off legitimate questions about how stuff works. Anyway. This is well-trodden ground. As is the fact that RTD later inexplicably fobs Martha off on MICKEY, the only other black companion in the series up to that point, despite having already paired Martha off with a cute, sweet doctor who seemed like a MUCH better fit, and there literally being no narrative reason for them to be a couple in that scene.

Donna! Well, as we all know, Donna is among the best-developed companions ever.

She didn’t start out that way though. She started off as a Deeply Problematic (read: disgustingly misogynistic) Stereotype who was never meant to be more than a one-off, but CT and DT got along so well that they brought the character back full-time, and so we got a lot of deconstruction, exploration, and development of that first impression. And I’ll forever be happy we did. But even in The Runaway Bride, she had moments of surprising depth and pathos. Deep down, Donna was always better than she seemed. The fact that she was the last person (other than her mother) to realize that fact is part of what makes her so compelling.

Her relationship to the Doctor is also the least problematic, because they’re both on the same page about being platonic bffs. To be fair, part of the reason he does make sure this is clear from the outset is because he has finally realized how he hurt Martha (NOT THAT HE EVER APOLOGIZED TO MARTHA FOR THAT–for a guy for whom “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” was basically a second catch phrase, Ten actually sucks at apologising to the people close to him). Unlike Martha, the Doctor doesn’t overlook Donna or brush off her concerns. Unlike Rose, he is not codependent with her. Donna calls him on his BS, and he listens. She helps him to face his emotional vulnerability rather than running from/shutting out potentially scary personal relationships (like with River and Jenny). The Doctor helps Donna to see that she really is brilliant and important, and she grows to believe him.

That’s not to say that Donna’s character was handled perfectly. No, indeed. Even after her first story, we’re repeatedly subjected to jokes about her desperate need for and inability to get a man. Even the Doctor, who is otherwise kind to her, takes these jokes for granted and sometimes participates in them. At the end of series 4, we’re shown that the one person in the universe that Mr. Pansexuality Personified, JACK HARKNESS has no interest in flirting with is Donna Noble, the man-hungry middle-aged slightly overweight loud temp from Chiswick. And then, of course, the Doctor denies her agency and takes away her access to the memories of everything she saw, everything she did, everything she discovered about herself while traveling with him. Just so he wouldn’t have to see her die. It was selfish of him. She made her choice and he ignored it to spare HIMSELF pain. But, y'know, at least the Doctor cheated the lottery to make her rich as a wedding present to a very attractive, kind-looking, and clearly adoring man–right before he regenerated. So she did get a happy ending.

[dent-de-leon]

This may be old hat, but I have seen people talk about how Shiro clearly favors Keith to the detriment of other team members. Namely, Lance. I don't feel like this very IC, but I wanted to get other opinions and I enjoy your meta.

This is something in fanon that’s always kind of bothered me honestly. I have a whole meta here about how Shiro protects Lance and cares for him throughout Sendak’s takeover. I honestly don’t understand how people could say Shiro doesn’t care enough about Lance when Shiro was literally willing to get captured and tortured again for his sake. “But that was one time!” some fans will say. As if putting your life on the line and getting a few thousand volts of electricity surging down your spine isn’t a big deal apparently?? Shiro cares for Lance, he does. He could’ve won that fight, but he threw it for Lance’s sake. 

Something that I repeatedly see people cite as a sign Shiro “favors” Keith over Lance is their talk before the BOM. Shiro decides he’s going to take Keith with him, and Lance lashes out. He claims Keith is unable to stay calm, and yet, he’s the one losing his temper. And this is only the latest in a long line of instances in which their supposed “rivalry” is really just a one-sided game where Lance is the instigator and Keith repeatedly has to remain calm and either try to make peace or just tune him out. Throughout season 2, he really snaps back. In contrast, Lance has demonstrated again and again that he is childish and self-centered, that he himself has a quick temper. And yet, he’s quick to direct the blame at Keith. Who handles it quite gracefully, might I add.

So yeah, anyway, Shiro was right. It was a good call to bring Keith instead of Lance. But because Lance is often placed upon a pedestal, somehow not coddling him 24/7 can be misconstrued as abuse. I think another reason people are so quick to say Shiro doesn’t treat Lance the way he deserves is because he doesn’t talk Lance through all his insecurity issues. But you know what? If Lance wants to talk about it, then he has to bring it up. The only two people that have actually addressed that directly are Allura and Keith. And both of them only do so after Lance brings it to their attention. If Lance doesn’t speak up or keeps up an act, how is Shiro supposed to see the signs and help? 

More importantly, people act as though all of Lance’s insecurities are somehow Shiro’s fault. Why is that? Shiro has been imprisoned and tortured for a year. His PTSD and consequential paranoia, depression, and anxiety are far more difficult to deal with than Lance feeling upstaged. And yet, Shiro would never presume that this was somehow everyone else’s burden, or that they owed him more because of it. So why should Lance merit special treatment? Yes, Shiro isn’t as attentive with Lance and Hunk. But that’s because they’re so much more well adjusted. 

I don’t mean this badly, it’s just a fact. They came from good, loving homes. Hunk feels fondly enough about his family to want to return, and seems to have no baggage associated it. Lance meanwhile we know was the youngest sibling and somewhat spoiled. They had it good before. There’s nothing wrong with that. Characters don’t have to have traumatic backstories to be deep or meaningful. But this also means that these two aren’t dealing with the same shit as Keith and Pidge. They don’t have Keith’s abandonment issues or the shared grief he and and Pidge feel over losing their family. These two need more reassurance and guidance and comfort, and Shiro is of course there to provide it. 

Bizarrely enough, it also feels like fans are unable to believe that Shiro has friends. Lance treats Hunk significantly better than Keith from day one, and in fact forces his personal vendetta on Keith for purely selfish reasons. But Keith is expected to graciously accept this because “it’s just from Lance’s insecurities.” Meanwhile, Shiro clearly has nothing against Lance and has never singled him out or treated him poorly out of nowhere. Yet he’s accused of favoritism. This favoritism is really just friendship. He knew Keith before Kerberos, was so close with him he literally brought Keith to the launch instead of his own family. They’ve clearly been side by side for a long time, long enough for Keith to develop an intense desire to be with him when he shuts out everyone else. Long enough for Shiro to not be surprised that it’s Keith of all people who shows up to save him. 

Romantic or not, “Shiro and Keith have the closest relationship.” In Joaquim’s own words, that’s canon (source). So of course their interactions will be different from everyone else’s. That gravity and vulnerability is unique to them alone. And honestly? Removing that link is clearly detrimental to both their coping mechanisms. I think it’s selfish for people to expect Shiro to either push Keith away or pull everyone else in. He’s not ready for something like that, and it shouldn’t be forced on him. Everyone else is allowed to have best friends or romance or whatever’s happening here. Why can’t Shiro? Why is that so wrong? And, to take this in another direction–were Lance to somehow become Black Paladin, does that mean he has to distance himself from Hunk? That he can’t still be interested in Allura? No, I don’t think so. 

And I mean, Shiro does trust Lance, you know? He does still take Lance’s input into account. When Lance says he wants to try to make that impossible shot in Beta Traz, Shiro lets him. Shiro trusts him. And when he makes it? Shiro compliments him! And the reaction is immediate–Lance is clearly thrilled. So yes, Shiro does think Lance is capable of great things. Yes, Shiro lets Lance know when he does a good job and wants to be supportive of him. That much is clear.

I think the other reason why people assume Shiro is somehow biased against Lance because he made Keith Black Paladin instead. And, I’m going to be completely straightforward here–the idea of Black Paladin Lance just makes no sense to me. Neither in the narrative nor thematically and it certainly doesn’t fit with his character development. The thing is, I think people have lost sight of what Black Paladin really means. It’s not a popularity contest. It doesn’t mean you’re the “best” and you shouldn’t just want your fav to have that spot. Lance is far more suited to the role of a Red Paladin, as reflected in his parallels with Alfor, his talk with Allura, and his character arc. To quote my other meta:

It’d be a huge setback and really detract from his character development. When he sits in the Black Lion for “like half a varga” Lance’s main motivation here is seeking his own glory. His character arc is about learning to grow past that and see the bigger picture and realize everyone in Voltron is part of a whole and you’re not better because you’re the leader. 

The way he treated Keith earlier in that episode was also incredibly malicious considering the guy was grieving the loss of the person he loved most. And Lance still has the audacity to spit on Shiro’s last “dying” will and continually provoke Keith until he lashes out or leaves. Learning to see the wrong in that and instead supporting Keith was a huge step for him, and I don’t see why he’d ever still take Black after that. 

It also makes no sense thematically. When Keith steps into Black again, he says, “I know this is what you wanted for me, Shiro. But I’m not you. I can’t lead them like you.” And Lance just goes, “This is your moment.” Keith’s concern first and foremost is with what Shiro wanted and what’s best for the team. Lance just wants to steal the spotlight. He has no intrinsic connection to the Black lion through his bond with Shiro the way Keith does. He also doesn’t have those thematic parallels to Zarkon the way Keith does–instead, he’s recognized as being very similar to Alfor. 

People act like Shiro and Keith stole away Lance’s chance at leadership, but Shiro wasn’t even considering anyone else. Lance was never even in the running. 

The thing is, I kind of understand where people are coming from. To my knowledge, a lot of fans find Lance to be the most relatable, and reflect on him–likewise, I often do this with Keith. But anyway, people really feel for Lance and see their own insecurities through him. But that still doesn’t mean everyone should drop everything to immediately focus on him. Shiro is a good leader. Shiro cares about all of his paladins. Shiro by no means has anything against Lance. But that doesn’t mean he should be given the spot as Black Paladin just because he’s Lance, or that Shiro should be micromanaging his and the other paladins’ emotional needs 24/7 when he’s just trying to get by himself. I understand people feeling for Lance and wanting to see him reach his full potential. But that doesn’t mean everyone has to bow down to him. In fact, going by his daydreams and personal arc–this would significantly negate a good amount of his character development. 

[sextonsharpwinhalstead]

Chicago Med On Shaky Ground Review

I’m going to be honest…I was not crazy about this episode. First, where did Natalie and Will learn to break heart-crushing bad news from? Dr. Lee? The empathy was not there for that poor couple from the beginning and isn’t exactly how hospitals handle this kind of sensitive case. I know why they did it this way but it was lazy and lacked humanity. The way the couple gave Natalie that pep-talk speech (because she has NEVER not been consoled when she’s upset) was not real to the way that kind of heartbreak and trauma happen to people.  This story is connected to a larger problem with Med.

I could’ve sworn that the patient April and Ethan treated had some sort of abdominal issue but then it became about her head and of course her home. This story was yet another problem connected to the larger problem with Med’s storytelling.

What am I bitching about you didn’t ask? Before you didn’t ask why I even watch this show?

It’s this;

The problem overall with Med is that each case we see these GROWN UPS act as though they have no life experience or knowledge. Because we don’t get enough background or development for the cases we are left  with ADULTS asking stupid questions about shit we all either learned or know about through lived experiences or have read enough non-fiction or fiction to think about.

Let’s take Natalie:

Why did Natalie have an issue with this case? Does anyone remember the parents of the girl who had cancer that Natalie gave false hope to? She knew there was a thin margin for survival and she gave them that hope and their daughter died. Why did Will even need to ask her “What about the second time this happens?” because this was the SECOND time this had happened. He reminded her what she would have said to him (Remember Jennifer Baker) so why the regression for Natalie (to be honest this whole season)? 

We don’t get an answer because this is the lazy way the writers have decided to set up the clash between Will and Natalie instead of allowing growth and complexities. We never see why or how Will has changed to respect Natalie’s opinion aside from him liking her. They never address  the sexist tone he takes with her when he wants to get his way. He apologizes and claims it’s because he likes her (yikes) but more than anything they won’t explore it. 

They won’t explore or even have Natalie admit that letting go has been a struggle with her from season one! Losing hope has been hard for an ex- rangers’ wife. And this is because we haven’t really seen them delve into Natalie’s’ ordeal as widow and all that comes with it in a thoughtful way. We had many episodes with her crying and missing him sooooo much and having everyone basically tell her to get over it for their own selfish gain or do a “there, there” style pat to the arm.

They showed Natalie as the object of another characters' attraction and steered us viewers into questioning “when she would be ready to date?” as if the all healing penis of Halstead was what she needed. It’s this same buffoonery and lack of depth that made Will kiss her and then say he couldn’t and wouldn’t wait for her. The “special” way they talk, connect, and hang out is never shown because Natalie would’ve divulged that pain to her best friend (see Alex Karev and Meredith Grey for examples) and he would’ve understood her. Manstead would have this beautiful foundation of friendship we are told they have but never really see. So Will could’ve engaged her in this case as friend, then as a boyfriend, and finally a superior if he felt she was falling back into bad habits but nope.

Ethan is another case of nonsense. Did April really have to be the one to remind him about Emily and where his sister came from? How in the world would a huge arc like that shape Ethan but also go completely over his head when it came to this case? You would think given his understanding of Emily’s family situation before the Choi’s adopted her he would know that CPS is an underfunded and deeply flawed system that children die or are abused in constantly. This narrative once again divorces lived experiences from our characters. Not to mention do you remember the teenage girl who stuffed her baby in her back pack after giving birth? The anorexic from the last episode he lost? All of these lessons should have showed Choi that there are lot of people you can’t save with this black and white thinking. Once again no growth; no development, no consistency.

Sarah’s story….dear god why. This story is so ridiculous. So I was glad they explained the prison visit was Sarah’s idea and it was done from a place of attempting Exposure Therapy.

 Exposure Therapy is done by putting a person who suffers from anxiety in their fear so they can face it and hopefully retrain the brain into relieving the stress around whatever activity, event, or thing triggers the person’s anxiety. 

Okay….why in the world couldn’t we have had therapy sessions where Sarah worked her way up to it and viewed a scene where Sarah and her therapist discussed the pros  and cons of visiting a PRISON as way for her to exercise this form of therapy? Training your brain to believe that orange-jump suit wearing violent prisoners are not a danger to you is ridiculous. Sarah should have stuck with the last doctor she was assigned with because she would’’ve been an observer first and then she would have had to read about patients and then construct a plan BEFORE seeing them. Then doctor Charles could have her observe IN the room with a potentially violent or agitated patient for a few weeks until she wasn’t afraid, then finally with her alone, and then treating the patient. Do you see all these steps? This all could have been done throughout the last few episodes instead of the same jump scare they have been giving Sarah. I could go on and on about how I would’ve wrote that story while revealing background on Sarah, deepening the relationship with Dr. Charles and watching her grow as a psychiatrist, take charge of her mental health, and most importantly handle this story that she shouldn’t have had in the first place the respect it deserved but nope. Another rush job that is actually kind of disrespectful to people suffering from anxiety and PTSD.

And THE WORST!

The story that made steam blow from my ears was Ava’s. This show does not know how to let women be successful without taking them down a few pegs. It’s obvious that she is in awe of her mentor and his approval means a great deal to her; but goddamn people. They put the well-knowledge assertive surgeon on the back-burner so we could see that Ava doesn’t really have confidence; it’s all an act. She desperately needs approval, just like Connor, (yay something they can bond over right?). My eyes rolled practically into next Tuesdays’ episode. No one on this show is allowed to have confidence except Connor. Latham’s was blamed on autism and now we are basically to believe that Ava’s, comes from her mentor, and can be easily snatched. The Ava we were introduced to would NEVER let Connor see her cry and she definitely would challenge her mentor; this is what made her his star pupil; because she rebelled and was successful and fearless. That’s what I thought it would be. Instead we got Med’s sexist thinly veiled daddy-issues that plague the One Chicago world of writing.

Maggie is another example of not giving too goddamn shits about past experiences. We know Maggie and Barry are going to date because what would the point of bringing him on be? I’m not into this story either. It makes her appear wishy washy; which to be fair this is what they do to ALL the characters. Some quick after-school-style special gesture or lesson is learned or seen and our characters start seeing the world in a new light because screw critical thought or higher order thinking. (You know what you’d find among doctorates). In this case we are shown the gesture of Barry getting a jacket for April and Ethan’s patient. If they are going to go down this route then why not have her agree to dinner as friends. After all if Barry wants to get back into her good graces he’ll take any chance to be part of her life; because that’s what you do when you are trying to repair trust from an infidelity. Maggie can see the ways he’s changed and even more importantly he can see the changes in Maggie after however many years have passed since they dated. Unless we are to believe having your heart ripped out doesn’t change a person or she has had no growth over the past however many years.

I like that Sharon sided with April and gave a reason why she did, but have we ever seen this extra layer or depth of reason when child services are called? It was like Med was saving this obvious explanation for this particular situation. *eye roll*

I continue to love Abrams but was a little put off by the fact that Ethan had to show a NEUROSURGEON where a problem was in her scan.

We are back to Med nonsense guys. The momentum of the first six episodes is squandered and this is what we are left with. I just hope that it doesn’t last much longer and we get a more solid foundation to stand on because my attention and patience is on shaky ground.

[itsclydebitches]

On Blogs, Age, and Keeping My Sanity

I wasn't planning to follow up on the original thread (which you can read here) because delving into The Discourse isn’t particularly how I want to spend my Monday afternoon, but I've been pinged and messaged enough that I figured I might as well put my thoughts more clearly into a separate post. This admittedly turned into an essay (apologies), so if you want to read it, cool. If you don't this exists simply so that I have something to vaguely gesture towards instead of answering all the people who apparently think I'm a monster.

In short, a lot of people are taking issue with my stance on whether people should have ages on their blogs as well as whether kids should have any responsibility in their own safety online. I'm going to try and address both of those questions (as well as more minor ones) in as organized a fashion as I can, drawing directly from some of the more common accusations I’ve seen the last few days.

“It takes two seconds to put your age on your blog and it keeps kids safe, why wouldn’t you do that?”

Because I don't think it does keep kids safe, for the simple reason that people lie.

Let me first be clear that I have no problem with people including their age if they want to-- I have mine displayed because I'm comfortable with it. What I found problematic is this insistence that everyone has to do it or else they're some kind of predatory monster. Now let's say for the sake of argument that tomorrow everyone on tumblr woke up and agreed to put their general age on their sidebar. Not their specific age, as the OP originally wanted, but just a "I'm an adult/18+/20+/etc." Now for the people out there telling the truth? Yes, this makes things a little easier. But this conversation was specifically about predators and frankly anyone who wishes a minor harm online will just straight up lie. A predatory adult will write that they're 13 or a minor or whatever they think will lure people in. The minor who wants to be treated like an adult will write that they're 18 or older. Or they’ll tell the truth and announce to the world that they're vulnerable. And instead of learning how to identify whether someone is acting in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable--what they post, how they talk to you, etc.--kids will learn that all they need to do is look at the sidebar. They said they're 15 like me so it's fine, right?  

No, sadly it’s not.  

“But most people WILL tell the truth and if including your age helps some people why wouldn't you do it anyway?”

Because it's going to hurt a lot of other people too. For example,

The adult who grew up in the age where giving out any info could lead to you being sued and that's a hard thing to push past, even if it's not as much of a concern anymore. 

The person with PTSD/depression who isn't comfortable releasing any personal information to people they don’t know. 

The person who is afraid that their age + other info will help people identify them in real life and they want to keep their online persona separate.  

The person afraid that their age + other info opens them up to identity theft. 

The adult who writes they're 30+ and starts getting anons asking why the hell an adult is drawing porn, what's wrong with you? 

The adult who's just learning a new skill (writing, GIF-making, whatever) and hates that everyone knows they're so much "worse" than that 13yo over there. 

The adult who chooses to just write 18+ and strikes up a conversation with a 19yo and everything is great... until it comes out that the adult is actually 40 and now the 19yo feels "lied to" and "tricked." 

The adults who aren't comfortable divulging their age, period. 

The person who isn't comfortable giving out any information online, period.

And that's just what I can come up with off the top of my head. I am comfortable displaying my age, so there's only so far I can step into the mindset of someone who's not. Now, is any of this worse than online predators? Of course not, but again, displaying your supposed age isn't going to solve that problem. The people who want to lie will lie and the people who want to be ambiguous will be ambiguous and soon enough people will insist that they’re uncomfortable that someone won’t tell them their exact age, what are you hiding? Age is a tricky, personal thing and I can't in good conscience insist that people push past their concerns just because having it displayed might do some people a bit of good. (Especially when, again, anyone who is concerned can ask someone’s age on anon. The information is available to you, it’s just not overtly displayed - which I think is a good middle ground overall.) 

“You're claiming that it's the child's responsibility to keep from getting taking advantage of/this is just like 'not all men'/this is the exact same thing as victim blaming”

Okay. There's a lot here. Let's start with a story from my own childhood:

When I was about five or so my mom told me that if anyone ever tried to take me on the street I had to kick and scream and make an absolute fuss. Simple enough. But she was smart enough to know that most kidnappers don't do that. Most were going to try and lure me away by pretending to be someone safe and approachable. So she also taught me how to ask questions. How to pay attention to my instincts if they started screaming, 'This person is creeping me out.' She gave me a password to use if anyone claimed to have been sent by her or my dad.

I wasn't kidnapped (yay), and if I had been my mom certainly wouldn't have blamed me for. Yet at the same time she wouldn't have stopped trying to teach me to take care of myself either. Education is not the same thing as blame.

Are kids responsible for themselves online? Yes, for the simple reason that it's literally impossible for adults to protect them 24/7. It sucks but it's true. The internet is like the street: it's not a kid-specific space, it's dangerous, and though all adults have their eyes peeled to help if they need to, you still teach your kids to look both ways before crossing. Online safety is no different than any other kind of safety: you do the best you can and you help the kid do the rest. It's a parent's job to keep their child safe from kidnappers, but in the event that they're not there they teach that child how to try and protect themselves. It's also the parent's job to make sure their kid doesn't get hit by a car when they’re together, but that doesn't mean they stop teaching them how to obey traffic laws for when they’re on their own. Me telling kids to start thinking critically about who they interact with online is not a precursor to blaming them if something does happen; it's another safety measure to try and keep that from happening in the first place. Someone else sneered at my claim that kids should assume they're talking to an adult online until proven otherwise and asked how in the world a kid is supposed to know to do that. They don't. We don't know anything until we're told it, which is why I said that and bolded it in the original post, with the hope that a kid will read it and perhaps remember it the next time they just assume they're talking to another teen. Kids decided that they’re old enough to go online, that they're old enough to have their own blogs... which that means they’re also old enough to start thinking about all the dangers that come with those privileges. Do your best to protect kids and teach them to protect themselves. Those two things aren't mutually exclusive.

As for the 'you saying not all adults are predators is the same thing as saying not all men'... I can understand why those two things seem comparable on the surface. However, 

1. Yes all men, in the sense that all men do benefit from a patriarchal society, similar to how all white people benefit from a country built on racism. It doesn't matter if you as an individual are blatantly mysoginistic or not, you still gain all the advantages of the system. Pedophiles though? People targeting and harming others online? That doesn't benefit anyone but the attacker.

2. The phrase "not all men" is not in and of itself up for debate. Meaning, every woman knows that "not all men" are mysoginistic/rapists/etc. (their benefiting from the system aside). The issue with that phrase isn't whether it's true or not, but the fact that it's used to shut down the conversation. Men use the phrase as a shorthand for, "I don't do that and therefore there's nothing left to discuss" when that's clearly not the case. Me saying that not all adults are predators is pointing out a problem with the proposed solution (just put your age on your blog and if you don’t you’re suspect), not shutting down the conversation. I want the conversation to continue because I don't think this is a particularly useful solution and I want us all to keep trying to come up with better ways of keeping everyone safe and happy online. I obviously want the conversation to continue considering I just wrote nearly 2k about it!

Anyway.

Can a simple "I'm an adult/20+/etc." help a child make an informed decision online? Yes. It can, so if you're comfortable including that on your blog please do so and make some people's lives a little easer. But please don't assume this solves the problem and definitely don't assume that anyone who doesn't want to give out their age is evil or predatory or some monster who hates keeping kids safe. It's not that simple.

No issue as important as this ever is.  

~<3 

[mithrilwren]

I would love to hear 1-10 for your absolute favorite thing you have ever written, give me those DETAILS

Good god, this got wayyyyyyy too long. I hope you actually wanted details because you sure are gonna get them. 

1. Of the fics you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

I thought this would be a more difficult choice, but it really could only be one: Land Mines (ao3). It’s the only thing I’ve ever written for Steins;Gate, and probably the only thing I ever will, but it holds a very special place in my heart. 

I wrote Land Mines at a very strange time in my life. I was jobless for a summer after I finished school, living alone in a strange town, with very little social contact. Though I knew it was only temporary, the feeling of isolation was ever-present in my mind, and this story was the product of that. 

I think the main reason it’s my favourite is that it’s the first thing I ever wrote where I really felt like I was starting to understand my own style? Using (literal) story structure to dictate meaning has always fascinated me, and this fic is essentially a series of structured vignettes, some larger and some smaller, that begin broadly and narrow in on one focused theme.

2. Which scene was your favorite to write in Land Mines?

The vignettes in this fic are essentially time-dated snapshots of the main character (Okabe) and his life over one semester at college - I’ll get to how I landed on that particular framing device in a later question. I suppose I can treat each one of those as individual scenes, though none are longer than 400 words, and the shortest is just three.

My favourite is the one where Okabe is leaving his final exam, which is actually the last piece I wrote. I had already written the ending, and I knew I needed one more piece of connective tissue to draw things together; the last few segments are very short, and they felt too abrupt without one more long-form section preceding them. I wasn’t even exactly sure where I was going with it when I started writing, but I remember a moment of pure joy when I hit “It’s just that he’s so tired.“ because I finally felt like I’d found the emotional beat I needed to justify the ending. So that was a very satisfying (and relieving) experience.

3. Which part of Land Mines was hardest to write?

Overall, the most challenging thing is this fic was figuring out how to handle POV. I started with a purely observational perspective: only what could be seen was allowed on the page. But very quickly I found Okabe’s POV started to creep back in - I just couldn’t write the story effectively without the reader knowing what he was thinking. 

What I finally landed on is a combination of the two. I allowed myself to address Okabe’s inner thoughts, but I tried to keep those descriptions as impersonal as possible. I also threw in some of Mayuri’s inner monologue to drive that point home: this is a clinical observation of events from an unbiased (non-existant) bystander - even if that bystander has insight into the characters’ thoughts and perspectives. 

4. If you could change anything in Land Mines, what would it be?

One snapshot I wouldn’t mind re-writing is the one that deals with Okabe writing something for one of his coding classes. It was a self-indulgent chapter (I’d just finished a degree in CS) and I knew it. Though it accomplished what it needed to for the narrative (bringing attention back to Kurisu and the lost connection with other Lab members) I think there are more effective ways I could have gotten the same information across. This segment fought me at every turn as I was writing, and that’s probably a good indication it needed to be cut, or at least reworked. 

5. Did you make an outline for Land Mines? Did you stick to it?

Hahaha NOPE. But the fic is so structured, it kind of became its own outline? I had a framing device (the date marks) and a timeframe (one school semester, start to end), and I wrote snapshots to fill out that timeframe. I only had a few ideas when I started writing, so there was a lot of “write a bit, now where does this fit?” that went on. As I wrote and re-arranged, the broad arc of the story took shape, and then i could start filling in what was missing.

6. Which scenes did you cut, and which were added in Land Mines?

I don’t remember cutting any scenes, though I’m sure some underwent massive edits that I’ve just forgotten about. I already discussed one scene I added at the end, but I also remember going through near the end and dotting an extra segment or two with the unnamed gossiping classmates. The first was meant to be a one-off, since anyone who’s ever spoken to me about writing knows that I avoid dialogue at all costs, but in the end it was both interesting and efficient to explore the progression of public opinion of Okabe as he withdraws through their perspective.

7. Who was your favorite character to write in Land Mines?

I’m not sure if I really wrote individual characters, so I guess… Okabe? lol

8. Which came first, the title or the fic?

Dear lord, definitely the fic. I actually implored a friend for help on the title after it was finished, and even now I’m not too happy with it. It kind of feels… surface level? Like, this fic does deal a lot with PTSD and, more subtly with unexpected triggers, but the underlying theme was ultimately isolation and the disintegration of past relationships, which the title doesn’t really address in any way. 

9. Which idea came to you first in Land Mines?

This is what I hinted at in #2. My original plan for Land Mines was actually a multi-media project, if you can believe it. I was contemplating how Okabe had Seen Some Shit™ during the events of the series, stuff he wouldn’t be able to explain to anyone else - how could he go back to school after summer break so messed up? So my first idea was the image of him accidentally punching a fist through drywall (which made it into the fic!) after a bought of paranoia. What I planned was basically Okabe’s student file from his university, outlining escalating disciplinary problems over the course of a semester. The notes I jotted down for that file (the drywall incident, skipping out of class, a revoked scholarship) were the bones of what eventually became this fic.

10. What are some facts readers may not know about Land Mines?

Hmm, besides the multi-media thing? 

The motorcycle sequence was very much inspired by Brand New’s Limousine: a beautiful and profoundly disturbing song.

[buckygirl-fanfiction]

Sparks Chapter 6

Pairing: Bucky(POV) X Reader(POV)

Word Count: 2.2K

Summary: After Bucky’s night terror episode he is ashamed and avoids y/n. y/n, not liking to be ignored, makes Bucky talk things out with her. Bucky and y/n go for a walk through the park and get bubble tea and climb a tree in the middle of the night and have deep convos. They get closer as friends.

A/N: This is a story about two people building a great friendship and then slowly falling in love. y/n is a strong, independent, and smart scientist. She meets Bucky when she wakes him up from cryo sleep and they become friends. This is going to have all the angst / best friends falling in love / fluff / drama / & eventual smut ;) that I can possibly fit in it. This fic is going to be looong! So far my document is like 66 pages. So editing is hard If you catch any grammatical or formatting errors let me know.

September 18, 2015

y/n’s POV

“Well i’m taking a stand. It’s been three weeks with no sign of Maddox and you’re monitoring both our places. He’s not going to show,” I say to the group sitting around the table.

“Yeah as much as I love Wanda for letting us stay in her apartment. I didn’t sign up for this job to be locked in a tower. Literally.” Cho says next to me.

“That’s not a good Idea. We don’t know whether he will show up again or what Hydra’s plan is,” Steve says but before he continues I cut him off as politely as I can.

“We can’t just stop living our entire lives because of a security threat,” I say. I’ve been stuck in this tower for 3 whole weeks with Cho living out of Wanda’s apartment and as much as I love Wanda and work and everyone here I need my own space.

“You’re more than just a high risk target facing a security threat. You are the security threat,” Tony says.

“What?” Cho says narrowing her eyes at him from across the table.

“We can’t let Hydra get their hands on an individual as high level as the two of you. Because…. For lack of a better metaphor that would be like handing a folder of classified information right to the enemy.”

“We are not folders of classified information that you can keep locked up in your file cabinet,” I say to Tony wide eyed. Is he serious! What does he think is going to happen? That we are going to get taken hostage and spill our guts to hydra? Because clearly he thinks we can’t handle ourselves. Before I really go off on him Nat interrupts me.

“Alright,” Nat says, “they are employees not investments. You’re already monitoring their apartments with live security. We probably spooked him. They don’t need to stay locked up in here.” Finally someone who is sane I think looking at Nat.

“On your head be it,” Tony says, “any updates he asks looking at one of the chief security officers also joining us around the table.” There are never any updates just information we already guessed be confirmed. Nothing new. And I do have to admit that scares me a little. But, I can’t spend my entire life scared so I just push back the fear and decide to walk on.

…

Bucky’s POV

It’s friday night and just as i’m about to call it a day and retire back to my apartment, my phone dings. I pull it out of my back pocket and the screen lights up to a text from y/n. It reads: ‘wanna get some boba?’ I swipe her message to reply and text back: ‘what?’ And she texts back at lightening speed: ‘bubble tea.’ I reply: ‘now?’ To which she answers: ‘Yeah I’m just leaving the lab right now. Meet me downstairs?’ I text back: ‘okay’ and grab my leather jacket making my way down to the elevator. Ever since our sleeping incident 3 weeks ago, i’m ashamed to say, i’ve been avoiding her. She has been living out of Wanda’s apartment and i’ve seen her around plenty of times and she hasn’t been treating me any differently. If anyones has changed here it’s me. Some part of me is ashamed, I guess. Maybe some part of me is scared to confront certain new feelings that have been brewing deep, deep down.

I step out of the elevator to the main floor and walk towards the lobby. I see y/n waiting for me outside the main glass doors and walk towards her. It’s nice out but the evening has a nice chill. It’s 9pm and the sun has set and the city’s nightlife is in full swing, especially considering it’s a friday night. She hears the door open and turns towards me and smiles.

“Hey,” she says. “Can’t believe you’ve lived here for over 3 months and never tried bubble tea.”

“I don’t really go out much,” I say back. I usually stick to work or hang out with Steve.

“The place is like a couple blocks up,” she says starting to walk down the street and I follow.

“So you’re moving back home?” I ask her.

“Yeah, well moved already. I brought my stuff back during my lunch break.” She turns to me, “any objections? Lately everyone seems to be objecting.”

“No, I think you're smart enough to watch out for yourself,” I say and to this she responds with a huge smile.

“Thank you, now if you could convince the testosterone squad of that fact.” She says. We get to the bubble tea place and get our drinks. “Wanna walk through the park?” she asks.

“Yeah, sure” I reply following her outside the store.

y/n’s POV

We walk through the park with our bubble teas in hand. It’s a dark night but the city lights illuminate the streets. We follow the first path we see into the park and walk amongst the twisted trees and down the winding path. The cool breeze chill against my face. It’s still warm for mid September but there’s a slight chill. The trees are still green but soon the leaves will be brown and it’s going to be cold and miserable again. “I like the fall,” I say. “It’s not too cold yet and it’s not blistering hot and the trees turn red.”

“I like the summer,” he replies. “Its freeing.”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” I say. Hey this is a good time as any to bring it up. He’s been avoiding me for the entire three weeks I was at Wanda’s. Every time i’d see him around the tower and strike up a conversation, his replies would be short and dry and he’d make some excuse up to leave. Usually he’d text me and ask me if i’d wanted to go running like we usually do. But he hasn’t done that either. So clearly he’s avoiding me and I wanted to know why. I’m guessing it’s because of our awkward bed situation that happened. But come on I thought he was a mature adult. We shared a bed and slept on completely opposite sides for god sakes. He had a nightmare, obviously he has PTSD, it’s understandable. Does he think I don’t understand? There is completely zero reason for him to be acting childish like this. Of the 3 or so months i’ve known him I had not once gotten the vibe that he was childish. He was quiet yes, but childish enough to ignore me for three whole weeks no. I didn’t think he was the type. But then again men are men, I thought to myself. So i’ve decided to talk to him. We are pretty close friends. We spend a decent amount of time together and go on runs almost every day. So, I have the right to know if I should keep investing time in our friendship; or if i’m just wasting time.

“I’m not avoiding you,” he says, “I’ve just been busy.”

“No Bucky, you’ve been ignoring me. I know the difference. We are all busy you don’t think I understand that. We are both adults with whole lives and full time jobs. So, I get when my friends are just going through a busy spell at work. But, you’ve been blatantly going out of your way to avoid me for three whole weeks. So whats up? I think I deserve to know.” I blurt out at him. “Or I don’t. Fair enough you’re entitled to your personal stuff and if you need space just let me know and i’ll give you your space. I’d understand. Just don’t cut people out of your life because you’re too childish or afraid to confront issues.” I say. I think I got everything out. Said everything I needed to say. I hope I didn’t come off as a crazy person. But I care about my friends, sue me. Also I think I have a right to know why someone is ignoring me. That’s what friends do they address the issue, confront the problem, and then move the fuck on.

Bucky’s POV

“You’re right,” I say taken a little aback by her directness. She called me childish. I can’t help but smile and she raises an eyebrow at me.

“What?” she says looking at the grin on my face.

“You just called me childish,” I say trying to hold back my laughter. I don’t know why that amuses me so much but it does. It’s been a long time since someone has called me childish.

“That’s the only thing you got out of my entire speech.” She rolls her eyes and says, “There’s clearly something bothering you. Do you plan on letting me know what it is? Or do you want space?”

“I don’t know, i’m just not a open person, and when you saw me like that in a very vulnerable and open situation,” I say referring to the nightmare episode i’d had “it made me feel weird.”

“Weird?” she questions.

“You’re right I can’t just go on avoiding you forever. I miss our morning runs. So yeah I have been a little embarrassed to confront the situation.” I reply.

y/n’s POV

“Is that all?” I say looking at him. He was embarrassed so he decided to ignore me for three weeks. Typical men. I think to myself.

“Yes that’s all,” he says still suppressing the urge to laugh.

“Well you have nothing to be embarrassed about. If you want to talk about it i’m here,” I say looking at him with an earnest expression. “So, we’re cool now?” I ask.

“We’re cool,” he replies.

I raise my free hand make a fist, raising it towards him. He looks down at my fist and raises an eyebrow. “Bump the fist Barnes,” I say. He raises his fist to mines and we fist bump and I laugh. I take another sip of my tea through the straw and spot a huge oak tree. “Come on,” I say stepping off the paved path onto the soft grass and running towards the tree.

“Where are you going?” he says slowly following behind me. “Let’s climb it,” I say pointing at the tree. “I’ve never actually climbed a tree. Always wanted to though.”

“You’ve never climbed a tree?” he says to me surprised. I put my bag and tea down by the base of the trunk and with my hands on my hips I look up at the huge tree. It’s got a lot of thick branches perfect for hanging off of. I mentally plot my best climbing strategy. Meanwhile Bucky, the show off that he is, just jumps up and hooks his hands on a branch and pulls himself up and sits his with his legs hanging down.

“Show off,” I say to him and begin to carefully position my leg on the trunk. I pull myself up to the trunk he is sitting on and carefully sit down with my legs on either side. “Tadah!” I say. He stands up carefully balancing himself up on the thick branch and pulling himself up to the next highest branch. “Hey,” I say. My competitiveness kicks in. I try to the do same but I don’t have as much upper body strength as him and fail miserably. But hell if i’m going to ask for help. I can do this myself so I look around the branches and make a game plan. He watches me intently as I slowly try to use the smaller branches to aid me in my climb. Before I can do it myself Bucky’s metal arm reaches down and grabs my forearm. Pulling me up like I weighed nothing. “I could have done that myself you know,” I say looking at him.

“I know,” he says. We can’t be no more than 20 feet off the ground and we are surrounded by green leaves and thick brown branches and bright emerald moss. He is sitting on the branch next to me swinging his legs. My legs are on either side of the thick branch and I look down at the grass below us. “What if we fall he says,” when the branch gently shakes because of our combined weight.

“Then we break a bone,” I say looking through the leaves at the city lights beyond. “I’ve never broken a bone either.”

“Trust me you don’t want to,” he says.

“Huh, the idea of everyone signing my cast always sounded fun.”

Bucky’s POV

We are sitting on a tree talking about the most mundane and innocent things. Like breaking a bone and how far planets are how big stars are. That’s why I like spending time with her so much she always does the ordinarily unordinary. The small things that everyone wants to do but never thinks to actually do. She makes me feel ordinary and that’s important for someone like me. It keeps me grounded. It’s 10 o’clock at night and i’m up a tree with a weirdest person i’ve met since i’d woken up. “You’re so weird,” I say.

“Weird is great,” she replies.

“Weird is great,” I repeat.

[mormonmommyphilosopher-blog]

Crazy Pants

Crazy. Looney. Nuts. Psycho. Wacky. Kooky. Insane. Bonkers. Mad. Batty. Barmy... ADHD. Bipolar. Borderline. Depressive. Anxious. Schizophrenic. Multiple Personality. Obsessive Compulsive. Disorder. Disorder. Disorder...

Fortunately over the last decade or two, mental illness is becoming less taboo. Less discriminated against. What at one point was defined as demonic possession, is now realized as Multiple Personality Disorder or Dissociative Personality Disorder. We still have a long way to go, but is it now, I would hope, safe to say that someone whom is plagued with a severe mental disorder is considered just as ill as someone with rheumatoid arthritis, or plantar fasciitis, or fibromyalgia.

All three of these conditions cause pain. One, two, or all of these may cause sleep problems, fatigue, weakness, and irritation. If you're familiar with mental illness, than you are aware that emotional pain, sleep problems, fatigue, weakness, and irritation, are also very common symptoms of mental health disorders.

About six months ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II/2 Disorder. Unlike Bipolar I Disorder, Bipolar II is less manic, more depressive—Hypomanic instead of Manic and less often. Severe Depression instead of Depression and more often. When first diagnosed, my initial thoughts were, “yeah, that makes sense,” but also, “thank goodness it wasn't something worse.” When I went to see the psychiatrist, I was hoping upon hope that I wasn't going to be diagnosed with a personality disorder like a couple of members of my family, and was dreading that it was going to be, Bipolar Disorder. Which at the time, I didn't realize has varying degrees. 

When I think Bipolar, I still think crazy. I still think of over the top, intense, rash, hysterical, etc.. I hate that I think that. And I know that I am not the only one that thinks that. The psychology of it is fascinating though, isn't it? When we can drop shame and prejudice against mental illness as an actual illness, the reasons for each individual disorder is quite compelling.

 I was also diagnosed with PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Aside from the fact that this disorder can be debilitating at times, I'm amazed at how much of an impact an event, or time period, in my case, my childhood, can have on a person's mind. Especially an adult person with a fully formed brain.

We all have basic vulnerabilities that can make us “act crazy” sometimes. Hunger, anger, loneliness, tiredness.. Think of how “crazy” a normal person can get when they're “hangry.” Now add a disorder. Our vulnerabilities lead to thoughts, which then invoke certain emotions, that lead to more thoughts, and invoke more emotions, until a behavior or an action is expressed. Hunger can lead to anger which can sometimes lead up to lashing out at someone. Is it so unreasonable then when a person with an added vulnerability might lash out, doing something that is not construed as normal behavior? Throwing a chair, punching a wall, yelling at their loved ones, turning inward and going silent?

 I have three major things that I deal with in my own mental illness. Two sides of hypomania and then the depression. When I'm happy hypomanic, I'm hyper, excitable, happy, and I like to tease. I become the life of the party. I am so much fun to be around. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that this was my favorite side of my disorder. Unfortunately, this type of hypomania can easily slip into irritable hypomania; when I've had enough fun, been somewhere too long, or I just started the day being irritable hypomanic. Mind you, these are my own terms of classification—happy and irritable hypomanic.

When I’m irritable hypomanic, the smallest things bother me much more than they would a normal person. The cashier at Walmart was snippy this last week and I acted like a pushover even though I was screaming on the inside. A day or two later, I had to cancel providing a meal for the missionaries that I had previously signed up for, but ended up out of town for, and when I called the man in charge of scheduling the day before the meal to cancel, he put me on a guilt trip, to which I again acted the pushover, but I felt the fire burning inside of me. A couple of days after that, a lady in my ward that I’m doing a kindness for, nitpicked at me about being on time and called me out for “running behind” previously on another kindness I had done for her. Upon reading her text message, my knuckles nearly collided with the passenger side dash in front of me. Irritable hypomania is the most difficult, frustrating, and embarrassing side of my mental disorder that I have to face on a semi-regular basis. I’m not proud of it. But it is a very real part of my life that I and my poor husband have to deal with. Along with that irritability comes horrible anxiety. Actually I'm pretty prone to anxiety in general. But it is especially bad in this case. To the point where, sometimes, all plans for that day have to be cancelled and I have to lock myself away and be isolated for awhile.

The third, and most frequent side of my mental illness is the depressive side.  My depression ranges in severity from simply a continuous somber mood and moving slightly slower than the rest of my peers on a regular, day to day basis, to the really bad days when I am nearly incapable of getting out of bed, nearly incapable of speech, nearly incapable of dry eyes, and entirely incapable of leaving my house. I say “nearly incapable” in most of these instances, because ultimately I am capable of getting out of bed, speech, and dry eyes, and the reasons are two beautiful blue eyes in the sweetest little face of the sweetest little three year old girl you've ever seen. Even my husband is incapable of getting me out of bed in most cases, except for the times when he has literally grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me out of bed. Seriously.. He has done this.

 I know that the topic of mental health is still something difficult for many people to talk openly about. Recently I posted something on social media about my current struggle with my irritable hypomania and how it is the most challenging of the three sides of Bipolar 2 to manage. Shortly after, I received a private message from a friend who had struggled with a bad case of post-partum depression, and it broke my heart to hear that she hadn't shared it with anyone except for her husband because of how worried she was that people would judge her harshly and talk badly about her behind her back.

I have so much faith that in general, people are kinder than that. That human beings, at our core, are more sympathetic and empathetic than we as individuals give each other credit for sometimes. I am really grateful that I have gained the confidence to be able to speak about my own mental illness publicly.

 As much of an advocate as I am of acceptance and love in all of our varying differences, obviously it is also important to be cautious and to keep ourselves and our families safe. I, myself, had to cut ties with a family member within the last month due to his harmful actions derived from his mental illness of narcissistic personality disorder. God wants us to love everyone, but sometimes we have to love some people at a distance.

Mental illness is very real. Unfortunately, it cannot be cured. Not right now, nor anytime in the near future anyway. But, thankfully, it can be treated. If you struggle with mental illness, it is not the end. There is therapy and medication available just as there is for rheumatoid arthritis, plantar fasciitis, and fibromyalgia. Most of us also have loved ones whom are willing to make the effort to understand and to listen to our difficulties. If you do not have faith in God, I encourage you to seek Him through prayer, and He will answer you if you seek Him humbly and diligently. His son not only atoned for our sins, but atoned and felt all of our pain and all of our sorrows. He knows you by name and is forever reaching out to you, waiting for you to reach back to Him.

For those of you whom do not suffer with your own mental health, but are the loved ones of those that do, I encourage you to soften your hearts to them. I know that they can be really frustrating sometimes and you can't wrap your mind around why they're acting the way that they do. It doesn't make any sense. But it does to them. That's just how they are and they don't know any different. Unless it's harmful to themselves or others, it shouldn't be too much of a concern. You might just have to deal with a little “weirdness.” 

If your mentally ill loved one needs a break and needs to be alone for a little while, let them. If you need a break sometimes and you start feeling like you're starting to go a little, dare I say, “crazy,” being around them, make sure that you take a break as well. There's also nothing wrong with non-mentally ill people seeking professional counseling. If anything, seeing a therapist might help you be able to understand and cope with the everyday challenges that you meet with your loved ones who struggle so much. 

It is my hope and prayer that as we journey further into the future, we, as the human race, will be able to better understand mental health issues, and address those that carry them, with more kindness and understanding than we have in the past.

Best regards,

McKell

“There will always be more blessings than burdens--even if some days it doesn’t seem so.” -Jeffrey R. Holland