#but has done nothing at all to cut my 1st As hours even tho she works almost as much as i do???

[2024skin]

Cranky because your job started off good but has slowly taken control over your entire life and everything you do even when you arent clocked in, aren't you

[skgway]

1823 Aug., Tues. 5

7

11

In the stable etc. 1/2 hour – Read from page 71 to 83 on “the letters and life of Ninon de l’Enclos” volume 8 (No. [numero] 15) Retrospective Review – I agree with the reviewer – some fastidious readers may possibly object to the publication of such an article thro’ such a medium –

Dissatisfied with several passages of the letter I wrote last night to M– [Mariana]. Wrote it over again in 3/4 hour in a hand so much less close, that in spite of the great deal left out, made it fill 3 pages and a few lines of crossing on the 2nd page – There seemed some appearance of annoyance and displeasure in my 1st letter which I entirely avoided in my 2nd –

Went down to breakfast at 9 40/60 – At 11 took George in the gig and set off to Haugh – Put a letter into the post for my uncle, and got to Haughend in 50 minutes – All the party at home with the addition of “Captain” Butler, a very grood sort of, vulgar, quondam Captain of an Indiaman – The young people did not appear till luncheon –

Sir John A– [Astley] franked my letters to Mrs. N[orcliffe] (Langton hall, Malton) to Miss Marsh (Micklegate York) and to M– [Mariana] (Lawton hall, Lawton, Cheshire) and they went in the Haughend letter bag in time for yesterday’s post – Nothing particular in the conversation way –

Sir John somehow or other inquired if I believed all Homer’s stories, or that there ever was such a place as Troy, or such a siege – I saw he had read Bryton or some sceptic on the subject and was very gentle in what I said in support of my historical creed – At last Sir John (after some flimsy observation) tried to shew that women were as much respected in ancient days as now – Briseis as much respected by Achilles, as wives were respected by their husbands now – Woman as well treated then as now – He (Sir John) would have treated lady A– [Astley] as well at that time as he does at this – I did not say much, not wishing to appear to have too much the better of the question argument for none said a word about it but ourselves, and Sir John is evidently looked up to as an oracle by them all, tho’ his responses will never set the Thames on fire by their wisdom –

He complimented his wife exceedingly – In fact, she is pretty enough, stylish enough, sensible enough, everything enough for him – Speaking of their place of family, she observed she “always thought the Astleys were an envied family in Wiltshire” “My dear” said he “they envy me for having got you” –

It is plain enough to me from their manners etc. etc. that they not exactly comme il faut with the Wiltshire county society – They have had the house in London that Sir Jacob Astley and his family had had, and many calls were therefore made upon them by mistake – They returned some – Were admitted at one house, the manners of the ladies shewed they were not expected, and the A– [Astley]s took their leave – A party was soon afterwards given by the family, and they (the A– [Astley]s) were not asked – They do not get on in London society – Nor as yet perhaps are they likely to do – Nor will Miss A– [Astley] even after “she has been presented” (at court) –

Lady A– [Astley] has not worldly nous enough to keep all these things to herself – Thinks Mrs. William Henry Rawson very ladylike, Ditto Mr. Christopher Rawson – The manners of the Society here suit the A– [Astley]s very well – Captain Butler it seems has had 1 or 2 premiums from the Doncaster society (I know nothing of this society) for feeding horses – Kept his draft-horses throughout the winter at 3/5 a head on chopt straw and line-seed – His saddle horses only cost him about 5/. [shillings] a week having nearly the same as the cart-horse with the addition of a little hay and corn –

Boils down the linseed to the consistence of cream – Perhaps about 2 quarts water to a pint of lineseed – Mixes this with their oats or chopt straw to a proper  (a mashy?) consistence, and gives them as much as they will eat – A chopping machine at Doncaster 7 1/2 guineas – Try our horses with about 2 wine-glasses full of linseed at first – Merely pour on boiling water – and let the seed stand till it is mucilaginous –

This plan is good for feeding cattle – It is the way in which dealers fatten up horses – But it wont do for hunters, or horses from which speed is required – The linseed works away to greasy perspiration – Runs out of the anals like melted fat – They must have good hay and corn for speed – But cart-horses do uncommonly well on this food – 

They all like Caradoc – Think him “a very likely horse” – His toes turn in a little: this is best for a gig-horse – If the toes turn at all outwards, the gig horse can scarcely ever keep his feet – He cannot hold up up hill and down – 

Staid till about 3 – Called at Saville hill to ask Miss P– [Pickford] whether, when she called with me at Haughend, she meant to call on lady A– [Astley] or not – Not – Asked her to come to Shibden to see Caradoc’s long switch tail cut – She would meet me at the library in 1/2 hour –

At 4 1/4 – drove thro’ the town, past Northgate, and Crosshills, and turned up by Greenhill, stopt at Furnish’s, and got a pair of new reins 10/6 – Left George to drive the gig home from Northgate, and without going into the house, went to the library – Shewed Miss P– [Pickford] the article respecting Ninon de l’Enclos (vide the 1st line of today) and the points of Humour (vide page 79) – She agreed with the retrospective reviewers, and with me that the soldier and his chére amie was the best print –

She walked home with me to the top of our little lane, but must there return for the children who would come to meet her – We walked about on the top of the bank – My aunt joined us – She left us in about 20 minutes (at 6) – 

We then walked to H–x [Halifax] – Miss P– [Pickford] returned with me up the old bank even to xxxxxx. I walked back again with her a little way up the Cunnery lane, when we met her party of children – 3 Wilcocks, 2 Paleys, and Miss Jones the governess, and we parted –

Our chief conversation about Miss Threlfall and my entreaties to see her last letter. Nothing could prevail till at last I asked if she feared its telling me anything I did not know before. On finding this the case, I said I would soon sooner move this fear by proving that I was not as still suspected in any degree of uncertainty. 

I wondered she did not know this already, but I had wrapped up my meaning too much and she should now have it so clearly that no doubt could possibly remain in her mind. Upon this I said I considered her connection with her friend a marriage of souls and something more. That if they were on a visit and their friend provided them separate rooms it would be unnecessary and they would presently defeat this arrangement by being together. 

Under other circumstances it would have been a wonder that with beauty fortune etc. etc. Miss Threlfall did not marry but now it was no wonder at all. Asked Miss P[ickford] if she now understood me thoroughly. She said yes. I said any would censure unqualifiedly but I did not. If it had been done from books and not from nature, the thing would have been different. Or if there had been any inconsistency first on one side of the question, then the other. But as it was, nature was the guide, and I had nothing to say there was no parallel between a case like this and the sixth satire of Juvenal. The one was artificial and inconsistent the other was the effect of nature and always consistent with itself.

At all events, said I, ‘you remember an early chapter of genesis and it is infinitely better than the thing alluded to there,’ meaning onanism. ‘This is surely comparatively unpardonable. There is no mutual affection to excuse it’. Miss P[ickford] did not say much but seemed satisfied. 

‘Now,’ said I, ‘the difference between you and me is mine is theory. Yours practice. I am taught by books, you by nature. I am very warm in friendship, perhaps few or none. Moreso, my manners might mislead you, but but I do not in reality go beyond the utmost verge of friendship. Here my feelings stop. If they did not, you see from my whole manner and sentiments I should not care to own it. Now do you believe me?’ ‘Yes,’ said she, ‘I do.’ 

‘Alas,’ thought I to myself, ‘you are at last deceived completely.’ My conscience almost smote me but I thought of π [Mariana]. It is for her sake that I fisrt [first] thought of being, and that I am so deceitful to poor Pic, who trusts me so implicitly and at last turned no objection to my seeing the letter. I said perhaps there was not another in the world she could trust so safely. Perhaps not Miss Caroline Renouard, she was not read or liberal enough tto [to] think as I did. She would condemn unqualifiedly. Pick agreed. 

I owned my manners might mislead people, particularly before I knew as much as I do now, before I read Lubinus’s Juvenal, before I first knew Miss Brown of whom she has heard reports. But now I knew how to be more careful. Yet still, my manners might mislead Miss Vrelfall [Threlfall]. She said, ‘yes they would’ –

I ended by saying I was now satisfied that she thoroughly understood me and that I had had an opportunity of telling her my sentiments, for she must often have wondered and not known what to make of me. We parted mutually satisfied, I musing on what had passed. I am now let into her secret and she forever barred from mine – Are there more Miss Pickfords in the world than I have before thought of –

Came in to dinner a little before 7 – Had ordered George to have the gig ready a little before 9 in the morning to go to Huddersfield to speak to Pontey about coming over to plan our new road to the house, etc. – But finding my uncle against it contrary to my expectation – (I had always thought all he said against it in joke) – I immediately countermanded the order very quietly determining never to mention the thing again – Nor to mention planting or otherwise improving the place –

I told my uncle very quietly I certainly would not teaze him any more on the subject; and I shall indeed change my mind, if I do – The thing absolutely did not annoy me at all – I immediately thought to myself, ‘perhaps it is best as it is – I incur no responsibility – etc. etc.’ Perhaps I may save my money in future instead of laying it out on the place and leave things as they are –

Barometer 1 3/4 degrees below changeable Fahrenheit 56º at 9 p.m. – Rainy morning till between 10 & 11, afterwards a shower or 2 which I escaped and otherwise a toleraby fine day i.e. fine afternoon and evening – Came upstairs at 10 25/60. E [two dots, treating venereal complaint] O [three dots, signifying much discharge] Missed washing just before dinner –

Miss Pickford called this morning and sat a little while with my aunt – She brought me Samouelle’s system of Entomology to read –

[sideways in margin] Major P– [Priestley], speaking of horses that went near the ground, called daisy-croppers – i.e. going so near the ground as to crop or strike off the tops of the daisies – Drove along the new road today for the 1st time

“the soldier and his chére amire“– Points of humour; illustrated by the designs of George Cruikshank [x]

[misslisterkeepsajournal]

1826 Saturday 4 February

5 1/2 11 1/2

Made my fire - great deal of trouble with it - the wood too damp - had to light it twice - went into the stable - 1/2 washed then sat down to my writing desk about (a little before 7) - wrote a note to Mr. Wiglesworth of inquiry, and lending him the sizes of rings, that he might choose - then wrote to Messers Olivant to say Mrs. Lister had received the rings, but wishing to send the sizes to a friend at some distance would return them along with the rings and order by the 6 o'clock morning mail on Tuesday or at latest Wednesday - desiring him in the meantime to send sizes to Mrs. L- [Lawton] of Lawton hall Cheshire with Mrs Listers compliments and requesting she let Messers O- [Olivant] know her size - sent these up to my aunt to read - then wrote 1 1/2 pages to IN [Isabella Norcliffe] saying we should be delighted to see her etc. and that we had sent her the sizes of rings wishing her to choose, and return them as soon as possible - then wrote 2 1/2 pages to Mr. Duffin to thank him for his so kind condolence etc. mentioning a few particulars of the funeral saying we had fixed nothing as to our future plans as yet, but hoped, however, that my father and sister would be able to leave Northgate and come here by midsummer - then wrote the remaining 1/2 of the 3rd page and one end of thanks to Miss Marsh, begging her if she Mrs. Milne or Anne B- [Belcombe] to give my love, and say I could not write this morning but would by tomorrow's or Monday's post - had all this done by 9 1/4 - sent the note to Mr. Wiglesworth and the letter to 'Messers Olivants Jewellers, etc. Manchester' early, when George went to the market - finished dressing -

Letter from M- [Mariana] (Lawton) 3 pages and the ends - this letter upset me more than anything - I did not expect so much real feeling on this occasion from M- [Mariana] she has kept her room ever since she got my 1st letter and was far from well even on Thursday - would continue in her room till yesterday when she would get her mourning - would wear bombasine and crape 6 weeks, and then 2nd mourning 6 weeks longer

'this tribute to your uncle's memory, Freddy, is no more than I owe him, and less would not satisfy the feeling I have for his memory' - 'It would be injustice on my part if I failed to tell you that no person could have been kinder than Mr. C.L- [Charles Lawton] has been on this occasion - tho' Messers Powys and Cholmley are staying in the house, he wished to leave them to come tête à tête with me - sent to Manchester for woodcocks, and all sorts of things that he thought likely to tempt my appetite. Indeed he has shown much more feeling than I expected' -

I did not expect so much either from M- [Mariana] or Mr. C.L- [Charles Lawton] I shall not forget it - it has endeared M- [Mariana] to me more than she can be aware - as to [delta - Charles Lawton] my first impulse was to write and make an opening for our reconciliation to write the letter of that proud and haughty spirit that cannot bend to menace but yields to kindness at once his letter to me was ungentlemanly if he will apologize for this I will apologize for the sentence in mine that gave him umbrage it was wrong in me and I am ready to say so handsomely if he will satisfy me as to his letter -

Went down to breakfast at 10 1/2 - read my aunt my letters to Mr. D- [Duffin] and IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] and then my letter from M- [Mariana] my aunt much affected, and much surprised and pleased - Having forgotten to send the sizes of rings to Mr. W- [Wiglesworth] sent George off with them (at 11) and with the letter to IN [Isabella Norcliffe] (Langton hall) and to 'William Duffin Esquire Micklegate York' - By the way, I quoted to him from Miss Maclean's letter received 22 January respecting Dr. Duffin of Edinburgh -

Settled accounts etc. - made up the sizes of rings in a small paper box, and sent them off to IN- [Isabella Norcliffe] (Langton hall) at 1, to go by the old mail about 1 1/2 today - then came upstairs - wrote the last 45 lines of yesterday and all the above of today - James and Joseph took one of our cows to the market this morning or rather delivered her there to the man who bought her before - (my uncle meant to sell her) and brought me back the price 18 sovreigns - the cow is a fine large animal, daily expected to calve - would have been worth £20, but her bag does not make up quite well -

Sad distress occasioned to the country by the failure of all these banks - lately Sykes of Huddersfield, Wilson of Mirfield, Taylor of Somersall and several others - James S- [Sykes] never saw such work - says 'they say the Rawsons are determined to issue no more notes - they burn them as the people take them in' - this is, of course, more or less a tale - but probably enough they will much curtail their issues, at least for the present - sad accounts of distress among all trades in the last Leeds Intelligencer - things look very black just now -

Just finished the above at 3 3/4 - Went out at 4 to the Tillyholm gate end of Lower brea wood where Jackman and James Sykes and latterly John Booth (he went with William Green in the morning for hedge-binders to Cromwell-bottom wood) were making the new path (instead of that by the Dolt bottom) from the new removed bridge over the brook - they were wheeling away stuff from the upper side of Lower brea lane to fill up with just on the side of the gate where young Charles H- [Howarth] and his son were finishing the railing  - sent for home about 5 - 3 men come from Mr. Hoyland to put up the hatchment - had it put up over the entrance door, as high as possible - against the egg-closet window -

William Keighley came and paid me (having this morning received the money of Mr. Bradley engineer to the navigation company) for the fir wood cut down in Lower brea wood etc. - Dressed - dinner at 6 10/60 - my aunt had tea at 8 - afterwards wrote the last 7 1/2 lines - Very fine, mild day - Barometer 1 1/2 degree below changeable Fahrenheit 43 at 9 3/4 p.m. at which hour came up to bed - afterwards settling accounts till 11 -

Reference: SH:7/ML/E/9/0056 - SH:7/ML/E/9/0057

[awhilesince]

Friday, 28 November 1828

6 35/60

11 3/4

making some addition to what I wrote yesterday to Pi (Mariana) about her mother then crossed it out —

from 7 20/60 to 9 1/2 wrote 3 pages and the ends to M— (Mariana) 4 or 5 lines of page 2 the whole of page 3 and 2 comparisons of lines on the 1st end respecting Mrs B— (Belcombe) M— (Mariana) must stay one or two days here on her return and I will help her to settle her array of what she has to do at home — mention Becher’s work and having got plenty of information for her respecting Friendly society — “But to turn to your letter — on the subject of the misunderstanding between your mother and myself, you are quite assured that, had any “choice been left me, your mother (for whose previous kindness I have never ceased to feel obliged) is one of the last with whom “I would have had any misunderstanding at all — Prevented by yourself and Stephen from sending the letter, but still anxious to conciliate “as far as I could consistently, and then sent the written message of which you had a copy; and you find me, on your arrival here “in the spring of 1826, surprised and hurt that your message, however well intended, had not, in spite of my “twice urged entreaty, been deemed worthy the smallest notice — you will remember my saying, any answer “would be better now; for that, if no answer at all was returned, this must convince me that all hope of conciliation “was for ever at an end, and that the not being even on speaking terms must inevitably ensue — this induced you “to inquire into the fate of the message, and thus wrung from you, not Anne, the following answer in your letter from Scarbro’ of 31 March 1826 — “Harriet did give your message to my mother — she read it herself, and returned H— (Harriet) the letter, saying, “ probably Miss L— (Lister) and I “may never meet again, ’tis better we should not” (Anne told me this) — She has never mentioned your name to me, tho’ “I have given her opportunities” — what course remained for me but to keep out of the way, yet, as you begged me “not to let thing be known, to keep up appearances as well as I could? I did do so — tho’ 3 or 4 times in York “afterwards before going abroad, my not calling as usual was either not known, or, in some way, so well excused, that “not even Mrs Duffin could suspect from any word or conduct of mine how matters really stood — I never named “it to anyone out of your own family, except my aunt, till Isabella told me in Paris, she had heard it from Mrs D— (Duffin) when I, of course, in self justification, told my own story, yet still begging her not to mention it, except “to Mrs N— (Norcliffe) and Charlotte — with the latter, I told you, I had talked the matter over the other day at Langton — “The contrast between your mother’s manner of meeting me at the Duffins’ and of receiving me in her own house in “Petersgate only about 2 hours before, did certainly take me by sursprise — whatever of your mother’s kindness I had deserved to forfeit, I had done nothing to deserve to regain — But Mary, from what you wrote me in March “1826, could I calculate upon your writing in November 1828, “when I named the thing to my mother” (i.e. the hope “never to see me again)” declared such an idea never entered her head, that on reading your message she did, “Tell Miss Lister that we shall sometime meet again, meaning by that, her manner when you did meet would “convince you that the thing was forgotten”? These 2 messages are, in fact, Mary, so unlike each other, “that all I can say is, I agree with you, “there has been a great and unfortunate mistake” — Still good accounts of “Miss MacL— (Maclean) Luckily, she can get a good servant in town, that I am at ease about not sending Cameron — “write soon …. Tell me particularly how you are — Have the goddness to take care, and harass yourself as little“as possible (the following written merely that the Bs Belcombes may read it) Do not pother about that foolish settlement — “business — you have had misery and vexation enough about it; and for pity’s sake, trouble yourself no more — I doubt that “you can do any good; and their unavailing anxiety hurts, mortifies, and disappoints me — I am sick of making “friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; for such friends, even when obtained, have no beauty in them that we should “desire them — we know the unstable value of the things of their world better as we use them more — God bless you, “Mary! I am now and always very especially and entirely yours AL Anne Lister” — 

read over and folded my letter — what will M— (Mariana) think of it — will it be a makeup or not I dont care about it had I been very anxious on the subject might have made more advances — Breakfast at 10 — 

went out at 11 to the Cunnery plantation — Throp and the 2 wallers planting and our 3 men and 2 horses clearing away as yesterday — In the afternoon Mosey begged a piece of elm which he said was worth 6 d (pence), and for this felled 4 firs, and for 6 d (pence) to be paid in money felled 5 more larches, and one sycamore — He and his companion all along the upper Cunnery hedge (15 roods) for railing — Throp and the wallers 1 1/4 hour at dinner on Wednesday — remonstrated — so 50 minutes today and yesterday — while they dined sauntered about the upper fields musing upon building a pretty farmstead at the top east corner of the upper Cunnery, or just above the upper will field — fancying how much and how to plant the upper will field so as to form one continuous line with the present plantation and the other side of Bairstow — with the workmen till 5 — returned by the Cunnery — talking to Matty a few minutes — she hoped if their cottage was taken down I should find her some place — a lodge or something — not improbable said I — we are like to find some place for you — she thanked me, and I returned by Benjamin’s and the high road and came in at 5 20/60 

Dressed — Dinner at 6 — afterwards John took to the post my letter to M— (Mariana) (Mrs Belcombe‘s Scarborough) — He brought me from Thomas Greenwood‘s this morning (got for me by Thomas) „Hoppus‘s Measurer“. York printed by and for Thomas Wilson and sons, High Ousegate 1825 price 3/. bound — for measuring wood, stone, glass, etc. — new Edition revised by new Edition revised by  T. Crosby — 

Came upstairs at 8 3/4 and wrote the whole of today (the extract from to M— (Mariana) — copied from the rough draft and what I copied on to it from the letter this morning) — 

On seeing young James Greenwood of the Cunnery in the plantation this evening gathering up some of the fire wood, spoke to him about keeping people out of the plantation, and said I would give him 10/. a year — to be paid by Mr Briggs Xmas and midsummer, the day after the rent day — writing the whole of this day took me till 10 — then went downstairs, and came up again at 10 1/2  — asked my father not allow old Rothero to cut grass in the Cunnery plantation now it is replanted — mild day

drizzly but too windy to keep my umbrella up — high wind all last night before — yet neither my thorn bush nor beech in the Allan Car seem to have stirred —

(SH:7/ML/E/11/0099)

https://www.catalogue.wyjs.org.uk/CalmView/Record.aspx?src=CalmView.Catalog&id=CC00001%2f7%2f9%2f6%2f11%2f99&pos=1

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

This is the last human mimic alien we have to fight.

He's realized he's lost because you people aren't running wild having orgies and you're listening to the DNA4U

And further more You all don't want to share.

When i posted the video of Miss Shawntae telling snoop it was time to snoop her body up... And then Snoop went all seductive to the camera...

122895x1000= men that said "Nigga ima beat your ass you know my wo/man gonna see that. You ain't need to be showing yourself!".

76584284×1000= said "ew i hope i don't have my any asking me to do anything tonight after what i just seen. My imagination gonna kill myself! And i know that's just wrong wrong wrong!"

Now multiply the digits together before the multiplication sign and that is approximately minus 1000 That supported Snoops message.

I did all 3. I had to advert my eyes even. Although he couldn't even see me.

Now Snoop and i know each other over 8000zillion years. So i can easily put myself in his shoes.

So he would walk in and I be having sex and he just sit down and start having a conversation. Like we having BBQ ribs and not sexual intercourse.

His wife tho .... He would make sure "the white boy was covered" and tease her don't look. She look at the carpet... Eventually it kept going on so i took a picture off the wall and put it on the floor where she always sat.

She said "why you do that?"

"I realize the kids keep jumping on the bed and knock it off. Snoop stare at you If you move your face. And unless you're on LSD it's no fun staring at the carpet. So i gave it to you where it seems you always be looking although i had to take a pretty healthy guess. I just felt you was having the most miserable time of all and as my friend it was my honor to trip out and give you a gift"

She used the reflection to put on her makeup and slept in bed later.,Snoop quit being so paranoid. Cause she would face the wall and lean against him.

Point is... Snoop be all like he was watching sports to make sure we got the score.

I mean. Man. Earth. We tried everything we could to stop these aliens from wanting to habe orgies. Even,took,away,their dicks!!!

We did everything. Planet.

Y'all locked up with your soulmates made little difference on this kick of his.

I been doing it. I been riding like I been going around the world 500 times. I love sex.

82% of y'all all around the Earth been having sex.

4% have watched porno

18% have had 1 wild orgies of those 18% -- 32% had s second one. Of those 0.00004981% have gone onto a third.

Of those having 2 or more orgies 92% were aliens

Leaving 8% Of 18% of the entire world interested enough in watching or having sex with other people than their soulmate.

Who saved the world?

100% of humans.

You all get $5 and that includes children.

He's done all he could and he's failed. 100%

I think Edgar might be human... Looking at his alien structure in the film.

But he treated me like an alien. Im still a POW.

Alex had to sell a bed because he acted non human. And Alex worked hard on it to make it perfect for me.

I would been fine gloating from it. Fighting and being sassy to aliens.

But then someone claiming to care about me,most of all abandoned his son and law and daughter. And i hear stories of him being evil.

Some time ago they asked me "do you want a dad or mom?"

"No"

"We need to know because the future of the,Earth,depends on it. And the future of you. Now do you want a dad or,not?!"

"The question is will i remain needing a dad or father figure in the future. No i am fine. I have male role models to keep the species alive. Males. (Species not gender) I also have my mom in Mrs Harriet Tubmam. And if that fails then at that time i should be able to get the rest of me. But she's fine. I'm fine. I just got to remain stable. But adding a father or another mother i don't know just yet can remain disasterous."

Luckily Alex didn't burn the bed down. But it was,bugged and bombed by "Edgar", to me 'its just another one of those things we have to clean"

Do i care? Nothing. He doesn't affect me. I worry about Alex having to,deal with it. But,hes being,and,staying clean,and,then when he's,scared he stays by other cold turkey or non users. He was,around Crystal meth yesterday and he tasted 1/4 of a gram. Like when you would put your finger in the sugar jar. Then lick it. The other guy smoked 4.9876 ounces and blew it all in their faces including the babies. Thus Alex got 7.698 grams ingested via second hand smoke.

I didn't notice but we got in a fight with each other. Just like we always do.

Alex and i power punched him and his eye socket -- ocular bone -- was crushed like glass in 17 cracks.

His jaw I punched more alone but with Alex and total both sides he lost 9 teeth. And had to be wired shut after 72 stiches because i split his upper palate in two. I cracked his lower palate in 8072 places. So if you found a skull it would rest on powder of his lower jaw and then you'll find the upper. After decaying..

Then Alex on the top of his head had 49 stitches to repair his soft tissue from his frontal lobe when he crashed to the floor after the super punch to eye hit the coffee table.

He did get one "good" punch in -- his skull hit Alex right in the right eye.

It fucking hurt but it hurts in a good way. Its weird it's like "reward!" Pain. No suffering. Fucking got him good tho. We feel it every now and again. May be it is when he realises we will kill him for good. He keeps remembering that sudden silence of death.

He's currently on life support. "Medically induced coma" is our non panic code words. But it's basically life support but usually not full life support. It isn't 100% life support medical machines. Its 75% or less.

So technically it's life support and coma mixed. So we csll it medically induced coma. This way you understand if your family is the one on the machines -- it's only 25% body life.... However there's a 75% of recovery via healing machines.

The CIA. Willl decide when to pull the plug. Usually medically induced coma is someone evil or someone bad with the ability to be good. Usually aliens go straight to coma status.

If an alien will die it's 1st life support then coma. Your friend or family will die.

They said medically induced coma. But at this time. His brain is incapable of human thought so I am putting him on life support.

This makes it the family's wishes.

Most of the time "next of kin" is spouse then parents/siblings. Then children last.

Which is wrong. It should be the future. Thus Erica and Steven will ask the babies. And together they will decide.

Last night as a CIA operative while he was in a medically induced coma i was told by at least 1 child and 2 adults to pull. I reviewed. While they spoke from shock and relief their true feelings.

Knowing that the children escaped life with Eric once. I don't feel the right to allow Eric to live. I know the consequences of his actions caused two children to leave my planet in fear and terror and disgust because of Eric.

Erica was my 3rd pregnancy to abort and hold souls.

I hate Eric. That's why i punched him in the fucking face. I was happily surprised that Alex did it. Too in person.

Since the infants are involved and already resurrected. And had a nightmare of a time in less than 36 hours on Eaerth.

I allow them to be there to pull the plug, they can actually yank and pull the plug themselves.

So that is what i want and what the children need.

It will show Eric he doesn't belong here and has no,reason to,be at 25%

It makes life easier for all of us.

Eric was an outdoor kid. Like John and Jason and Greg. Etc. He never went into my school.

They didn't have to. And actually weren't ever enrolled. They liked the man work to learn to survive on their own.

While i taught the children the indoor stuff. The expansion of the mind.

I taught them the economy so the men working to increase their own economical structure could be helped to be taken in under their wings.

I left no one behind.

But he refused confirming.

1. Alcoholic system to drop other drugs. -- he uses crystal meth. Without cut backs. Without moderation

$5 if yoh remember and realized i said make smoothies without alcohol to share with your kids.

2. He blew it in their faces on purpose them injesting over 2.4 grams each.

Erica and Alex would cover their faces with thick blankets when the smoke came towards them.

It was quite a hostage situation. Knowing he could take the newborns and kill them in front of them.

Its happened to me 985 Point 2 times. I'm 35 years old.

875.8 times it's been with a knife.

Take the numbers and multiply by 10 million. For the last some kinda lots of 8 thousand zillion years.

It even happened to Alex. He he has the scars. From,this and last life., it,has happened.

So for me they're terrifying. Unless I'm there... I have saved 900 billion times 30 thousand. I those situations.

But i always remember the ones i lost.

So don't worry when I'm suicidal. Just leave me alone. Don't talk to me. I need silence.

So dead babies y'all.

Dead aliens.

It will be done

I seen that actually quite beautiful meme of April 2020 the clouds and UFO.

I don't get mad or violent because I'm stepped back to watch y'all cope.

But I say to y'all "fuck no that's not happening" I say to that UFO "Fucking try it you will all die" i just scroll on because I get so angry. I get so mad. Its a beautiful photo but i refused to repost it because it isn't something i support.

Most reposts of memes are supported unless i type something on the bottom. Saying it's not.

So my dad. I didn't care until i saw The Rock, "her dad is alive" all happy and in support.

Then i was bothered. Then I cared. Then i felt something about it. But until then i felt nothing.

I didn't feel shame..i felt that were all made of glass.

Because I was happy to have a dad.. One that seemed good. I was actually happy.

And it was kept personal to me... But then I saw the Rock felt it. Then I began to feel..

Broken. But Alex kept it together and started getting rid of the bed. Taking it down. Removing bombs. And fixing all that ass hole did "my dad"

I know the Rock.. He can handle. His dad just died. And we did a lot for him.

So for him to be elated. I get through the day thinking no one really cares what i feel and they don't pay kuch attention..but the Rock in that moment in time.

He was happy. And i knew then i had to Destroy a light of happiness inside him and he looked away from the camera to say "we are all happy. The while world"

DNA4U list one person as my father. He's my uncle..

Edgar claimed it was his 18th cousin.

You know, it doesn't matter.

Donate. Mr Lee Tubman. And more. They're my dads. They kept me safe. Taught me to be wiser and more caring about myself. Donte was 2 years younger than me. But he was a father figure. Guy was the fun dad. Fred Flintstone i called one friend's dad was the fishing buddy. We were not close but he was a silent father figure.

I stole all my friends dads. Borrowed them. Their moms, too.

I have 1800 moms that I call mom.

I know who my moms and dads are.

Just like Erica called me mom the other day and Brittany will too. And Alex my cousin's son. Candy. Brandy. Declan.

So i know i have a family that understands it doesn't matter how I got here. It matters who treated me well. Matthew McCognohey. Kid rocks. They're like my dad's and my kids. Uncles and Cousins.

Blood doesn't matter. Shit half the time Snoop is my God or dad or bother or husband or little kid i have to save. He's my friend.

Snoop is too much of everything. He is my co-nigger. My partner in many crimes against humanity (practical jokes)

I call him my Friend. But my family wouldn't be complete without him and Shawntae.

Harriet. I call her momma all the time. It feels natural. Sometimes i call her old lady.

So while i was joyful for a moment thinking I found someone that actually cared to find out he didn't.

I myself wasn't affected until i knew others would be

Its just a lesson in life. Don't trust people.

I told Alex abandon ship, fuck that place. Ain't no one can go in there!!

He understood and agreed then took the role "no,one is driving me and her from our home." He decided to defend the homestead. That is the role a man takes

Im all you gotta sweep the whole place,then,rest and do,it again,2 more times at least.,Then,again when,I,get there. If i get there.

But i feel good to know my lover isn't gonna let anyone drive him down. Just turn around. Learn a lesson. Clean the mess.

Why do i need a father when i have a man?

Clearly i am an independent woman and always have been.

But i need a family. Otherwise I have no point to live.

And that is why i am suicidal.

I don't see s point to live. Not when Alex and i fight and i don't want him to talk to me cause some alien got in our way once again.

He was double attacked by aliens.

So if their desire is for me to die... Then they should keep,doing it.

If,not they need to stay out of my way so i can,get my family,together again.,in,real life.

My family that I know is my family. Not aliens. Not fans. Not someone that needs to apologize to me or needs an explanation.

People that can think on their own and not be reminded they need to have love in their spirit.

Now Snoop sometimes plays the role of my brother. And we are competitive. It just makes us proud of each other and ourselves for surviving a challenge. I do it to him too but I play old hard skill. He plays old new remember when. I do ancient V-Ball and he does pop and country experience.

So his spirit is of an ego -- which salutes the fact we will grow.

Often we do the spirit of mischievous. To remind danger still exists but we will have fun and love in the end.

Friend. Someone that is gonna fry you but the end od what matters.

Sometimes we relax and chill. But them old cogwheels of the mind never quit rolling. Advance. Advance. Lets keep it going don't stop.

He's like me. Suicidal.

But he used to release his inner poison. Now he makes it not exist by doing something else ....

But me? Nothing helps but the mimic of death itself. Silence.

People are what causes it. Alien people.

So you humans. Keep on being you.

Its you that is gonna save the world

I gave you guidelines to help us out this mess.

Because I can't even see y'all because the aliens surrounding me trying to get my last breath.

Show me you. Save us. You're doing good

I got $5 on y'all that we make it.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

x Wednesday 5 February 1834

8 ½

3 5

Incurred a cross thinking of Miss Walker  very fine white frosty morning F44 ½° in blue room at 8 ½ and 45° in my study at 9 20 am at which last hour F47° in blue room - the sun just out - ready at 9 20 and breakfast then – sat over till after 10 – looking over what I had read of Vol. I Roscoe’s Sismondi vol. 1 - then with my aunt and with Mallinson and Charles H- in her room taking pattern of the chimney piece - told Charles to get 16 21ft. plan deals (the best) at 6 3/4d. a ft. = 11/3 ¾ per plan for inferior would be 6 1/2d. and it is better .:. have the best tho’ they 1st for wheeling on and lastly for rails thinking to have stone posts holed will = 15d. each - an in this case, each plan will cut into 4 (instead of 5) rails = 7d. .:. 16 planks x 4 x 7 = 448 yards single railing and 224 yards double ditto and 224 yards (at 1 post for every 3 years) = 74 2/3 posts, or 75 posts at 1/3 = £4.13.3 - carting at 6 at a time per 2 horse cart 4 times a day at 10/. = 30/. supposing the posts setting and rails cutting and putting on to be done at 3/6 a roof = 32 roods at 3/6 = £5.12.0 paint 1/6 a rood = £2.8.0 - total wood £9.1.0 posts £4.13.3 carting labour and painting £9.10.0 .:. the 224 yards railing = £23.4.4 - off to Cliff Hill –in passing stopped at Mitham to see the old oak wainscot - that would not be worth taking away but is a handsome old chimney piece (standing on 2 pillars) fitting a fireplace 4ft. 11 ¼ in. high and 4ft. 8in. wide - all along the top 2 handsome pannels of carving 3ft. 3 9/10in. high - Dewhirsts pays his uncle Thomas Pearson £20 a year for the Mitham buildings - then to Cliff Hill-  sat 1/2 hour and 5 minutes with Miss Walker till 1 5 – said I had heard from her niece yesterday – she talked of coming for 2 or 3

SH:7/ML/E/16/0166

days on the 8th or 10th – I had advised her staying to see Matthews and not to miss Dr Camidge’s  concert on the 10th if it would amuse her - Miss W- wished she was coming back to stay – and all I could say did not seem so convincing as before that Lidgate was not the place for her – I mentioned Mr. Edward’s odd inquiry – she thought her niece would be annoyed but perhaps she would not know – yes! said I, I shall think it right to tell her -  when I said Lidgate was not the place for Miss W- -and old Miss W- should take her in at Cliff Hill,  no answer was made-  I said I had nothing to do with the going to York beyond helping Miss W- to fulfil her own plan – but if she went abroad with me I should think myself quite able to take care of her -  ‘What she go abroad for? It would be very foolish.’ - She might always have someone with her at home – Miss Atkinson - I said she did all she could for the Atkinsons but their society did not particularly suit her - Mrs William Priestley was at Cliff Hill yesterday – probably enough to account for Miss W-‘s opinion of this morning-  Poor girl! said I, I am sorry for her – she wants different management from that she has hitherto had - I hope all will turn out well but if you do not keep her up to what she is now doing – if you disapprove you will only unsettle her and it is even now the toss up of a straw which way the thing turns – meaning whether intellect is safe or not  Poor girl indeed! They are all against the only plan likely to answer – I shall be much talked of and blamed for all the good I have tried to do -  I shall by and by be scared from attempting more – and once off again, perhaps I shall not return in a hurry - some time with the masons and came in at 3 – it rained for the last hour and turned out rainy afternoon -  Had John Bottomley - agrees with Greenwood to give up his own field and take 2 Whiskams and far Bloody field -  said I thought it a very good arrangement but I should have to make a new lease for Greenwood and alter the whole thing J.B. must pay 40/.  a D.W. for all 3 fields and taxes and they must be under lease from year to year like the rest - he thought the land dear but I said he should have the 1st ½ years rent towards tillage, and I meant to have the same for the land Greenwood had - mentioned also that I might want a corner off the far Bloody field for my new cottage or Whiskam road bar-house - then with my aunt and father and Marian in the red room and said what had passed - had just done the above of today at 5 20 - then had Washington - in moving earth by barrows the reckoning is 5d. for the 1st run, and 1/2d. each for all the rest, 22 yards being a run .:. supposing from the terrace to the dry bridge is 110 yards = 5 runs = 7d. what Pickels said it would be worth - and 5/6 a rood for resetting causeway and moving wall (of Walsh-land) not too much - Washington thought nothing would be said against my plan but he had better set it out - would come to do this and look at the terrace, and bring me plans for Whiskam bar-house to look at (it would at any rate cost £60) on Friday morning - gave him the £11.3.0 and Kendall’s bill to be paid tomorrow - Dinner at 6 ¼ in 25 minutes - then spoke to John Booth desired him to tell Pickels not to begin the Walsh land job in the morning but come by himself to grip just above the new dry bridge till John and I were ready for planting - had coffee in the room with my father and Marian and sat talking till 8 -  then with my aunt till  8 ¼ - and then  came to my study – sat up considering and calculating about what new rent to ask Greenwood and how to settle it - till 2 5 at night - but have made up my mind and satisfied myself and if Greenwood agrees as well as John Bottomley there will be about 15 D.W. of the upper land let including the 2 Conerys for about £30 as near as possible - fine day till about 2pm afterwards rainy afternoon and evening - F56° tho’ now tho’ the stove fire out sometime ago at 2 25 in my study and 46°! in the blue room.

[invinciblerodent]

This is gonna be a very long and super tedious story about my job, so I apologize in advance, but I just. I need to vent.

Long list of petty retail woes under the cut.

I'm really beginning to feel like I messed up. Not by making a mistake, or doing anything reprehensible, but by being too diligent in the first few months, and thus allowing my coworkers to believe they can get away with piling all the work on me.

So in my bookstore, I'm the newest hire, and even I've been here for about five months now (which is how long it took them to get this bold I guess). All but one other girl has been here for years, and most people are already very close because of it, although they are also understandably jaded. (Last year the old company went bankrupt around them, there was a weirdly executed merger when the new owners took over stock and crew, and just a month ago there was ANOTHER owner change, it was a whole thing. I wouldn't feel much like working my ass off in those conditions either, so really, I get it. But that's not the point.)

Now y’all probably know I'm a pretty quiet person in general (I’m not finding it very easy to make friends at all, and at work I still feel very much like an outsider), and it's no secret that I have better work ethic than the position would warrant because, well, not only is that just the type of person I am, I'm also just happy to finally have a job at all (no money < not a lot of money). But I can't help but notice that, more and more often, I've been finding myself saddled with 3-4 distinct tasks at the same time, while the 2-3 people on the same shift are just... standing around and talking.

Just yesterday, I was checking stock for next month's sales (which is busywork consisting of manually looking up literally about 300 titles and noting how many copies we have listed in the inventory- I may be the fastest typist but come on now), doing the price changes (which is checking inventory on ANOTHER list of ~50 sent down from the company, hunting them down in the store -which is sometimes one copy hidden in a messy pile and sometimes a stack of 25 that has to be checked individually- and putting a new, correct price tag on each)........ WHILE helping customers, AND being on register duty. And my register STILL ended up having all the paperwork (online order pickups, gift card sales, returns, vouchers, all of it) and more than double the traffic of my coworker's who 1.) WAS NOT running around the store constantly, 2.) HAD NOT been on her feet two days at that point, and 3.) was visibly NOT BUSY most of the day, as while working I could hear her and the supervisor gossiping pretty much all day.

Not to mention that I WAS STILL SCOLDED BY SAID SUPERVISOR because -get this pettiness- my register had too much of one specific type of change (because "it takes too long to count [nothing says that she would have to count it, that's her idea] and she's gonna miss her bus [8 times out of 10 she misses it anyway because she can't shut up and drags out closing 5-10 minutes by talking]"). Even though she's the one who keeps telling us to ask people for change, which I fucking do like a good noodle, and damn it Jackie, I can't control the type of change people give me. It's the end of the month, people kept coming with huge bills and maybe five cents anyway, we're lucky I have anything besides a fistful of hundreds!

And I've been noticing other hypocrisies too. Like I'm often told to stay at the register because "if there is only one person there they can't leave and help people find things" (understandable, but I already only leave to do exactly that tho????), but if I'm there, I almost always find myself left there alone, sometimes for hours??? And if I dare ask for help or need to go to the bathroom, I always get groans, eyerolls, and often a "just hurry!" in return.

I'm also sometimes told that my breaks "feel long" (which is weird because uuuuuhhhhhhhh not only am I usually the last to eat at like 2 pm, sometimes I'm too busy and have no time to have my second, and I time myself exactly to the company-allotted time with a fucking stopwatch), but other people full on just say "I need to pick up [X] at [Y]" and fuck off to go to the store across from us for 10-20 minutes, just whenever they damn well please.

Not to mention that I'm often told my boyfriend arriving five minutes before closing to pick me up after I'm done is distracting (even though every single time, I just give him a quick peck, say "hi, I'm still on the clock" and continue doing my job)- not the fact that my coworkers tend to spend 20+ minutes literally just chatting with people they happen to know mid-shift, or taking outside phonecalls on the store phone. Some even have fucking PACKAGES delivered to the store, my manager's kids and husband come in almost every fucking day like an hour before her shift would be up, and sometimes she even does her not-really-door-to-door-but-close-enough sales shtick on company time.

And what takes the cake is when, still yesterday after all that, I was told at the end of the day that I have the choice of a.) taking out ALL the garbage -which is several large boxes worth of packing material and other shit accumulated in the break room-, or b.) vacuuming the whole store because "I missed my turn". Even though people know FULL WELL that I missed that turn because injured my back pretty darn badly (I tore a muscle while stocking, it inflamed to shit, and I could barely move for almost two weeks and had to go on sick leave- really I'm only back because I begged my doctor to let me), and lifting heavy things (like all that garbage) and bending down (which one has to do to vacuum) still causes me a lot of pain and was straight-up forbidden by my doc for at least the rest of the month, lest I cause myself permanent harm. (Not to mention that I was already the one doing the weekly cleaning of the entire glass storefront, by myself, in the morning anyway, while my coworker just counted down the registers and went for a smoke, so... it being "my turn" to clean is kinda subjective, ain't it.)

I'm just.... getting so fed up, and so tired. I'm looking at three days off at the end of April (it just worked out that way with May 1st which is awesome), and tbqh, I don't even have the energy to make plans beyond snuggling up to my boyfriend and sleeping for two days straight.

TL;DR: I'm carrying this whole goddamn store for the same pay as the rest of these slackers, and yet there still seem to be things for which to find fault in me. I'm tired, annoyed, and almost always in pain these days, but I can't allow myself to stop because nobody else gives a shit, they're all hella chummy with each other, and if I do, the place fucking falls apart in a pile of filth.

FML.

[veryfineday]

Wednesday 28 January 1835

8 20/..

12

+  Vc  U  V  L

no kiss 

fine morning tho’ rather hazy and dull - Fahrenheit 43 1/2º at 9 1/2 a.m. – looKed over from page 25 to 69 end of De la Beche’s geological notes – breakfast at 9 3/4 – to 10 3/4 –

then out with Charles H-[Howarth] doing top cornice for north passage – then with PicKels at the dry bridge – Holt at the drift – came in with him at 11 50/.. and he staid till 1 3/4 – the deed made by Stansfield and Thompson ready for signing mrs. machin’s coal 14 DW [Day’s Work] to mr. Rawson for £200 – but 7 people concerned mother and children, and ....... the Sadler at North bridge having married the oldest daughter and not being consulted would not let his wife sign and promised to bring all the rest over to sell to Holt – valued at £40 per DW [Day’s Work] but Holt thinKs he can get them to agree for £300 down – said I should be glad if he could – but he must give £350 rather than miss the bargain – in short he must buy the coal –

[margin: mrs. machin’s coal]

then speaKing of Spiggs, he had told William what I had said about the deed from WilKinson, and said he Holt, should be here this morning and expected William K-[Keighley] to come here and meet him and bring the deed – said I should now 1st see about settling this matter about the deed – and that I did not came about agreeing with the Spiggs company for that I understood the K-s[Keighleys] were indemmified by the 2 ClarKes (Tommy and his brother) of whom they bought their share – asKed what Holt valued the Spiggs Colliery at as it stood - £1000 – very well, said I – we shall see – if I open this Shibden Colliery it will be my interest to stop Spiggs altogether – why! yes! said H-[Holt] it would – his cousins Holt had agreed to sell their 1/2 share to StocKs; but when I bought Staups, StocKs would have nothing more to do with Spiggs – he would have loosed Northowram coal (Swain’s coal) by Spiggs thro’ Staups – StocKs has only 1/2 of Swain’s coal and the two ClarKes have the other 1/2 – and StocKs will not care much about loosing it till he has it all – Wilson quite fast – cannot stand many months longer – I could loose StocKs (Swaine’s coal) and a few acres of upper brea top land by my water wheel at Tilly holm Stile if I liKed – but I loose neither him nor anybody else [?] unless I liKe – said I had made up my mind to loose my coal and set up the water wheel at Tilly holm style and wished to begin of this job – the sooner the better –

[margin: Holt’s value of Spiggs colliery  I can loose StocKs’s Northowram coal by Tilly holm water wheel]

the 1st thing to do is to begin at mytholm dam stones and drive up a drift to Tilly holm stile – this at a rough guess, might be from 600 to 700 yards – say at 4/.[shillings] a yard if advertised might be done for less – might be done in about 8 months – then would have a walled and arched culvert (32 feet) from Tilly holm stile to the end of my library into the brooK –

[margin: Estimate of expense of Loosing coal at Tilly holme Stile]

say (said I) about 660 yards, all labour done at 5/.[shillings] per yard and stones (field wall stones for sides and parpoints for arching) and carting = 7/.[shillings] per yard - ⸫[therefore] culvert total cost of per yard = 12/.[shillings] then put down the water wheel – wheel to be 6 feet broad – put the wheel and engine pit just above the gall (that runs thro’ wellroyde land etc) so that there would only be 14 or 15 yards to pump – suppose the wheel and engine pit cost from £300 to £400.  the 2 coal-heads or drifts (large enough for hurrying gates – going corves along one and returning corves along the other) will pay for themselves by the coal got out of them – that is, will pay for driving but there will be rails to find – those Hinscliffe {has just got me from Farrer are to be £8 per ton, 4 feet long rails, of which one ton will reach 80 yards – }

[margin: cost of rails etc.]

told Holt my plan of sinking another pit 50 or 60 yards on this side of WalKer pit –

not necessary to sinK another pit – Even if I stopt Spiggs colliery, and Kept it stopt (for which I should have to raise the water 3 yards) so that WalKer pit should be 3 yards deep in water, that would not signify – I could chamber the pit just above the water, or fill it up to that height, if I liKed, and cut a gallery or drift from WalKer pit thro’ the coal to communicate with the drifts (leaving between the pit and drift a yard’s broadth of coal as a landing or fence to Keep the water from the drift) –

Holt quite sure I cannot stop Spiggs without letting the water 3 yards deep into WalKer pit bottom – the dead water stands – that is the water rises, as it is, [?] hight as high up on the coal as the wall at the head of the clough in Trough of Boll[an]d wood – I smiled and said I thought Hinscliffe would have no objection to my stopping Spiggs colliery, which Holt seemed to agree in – I thinK Hinscliffe is afraid of his trespass being discovered when WalKer pit is bottomed – we shall have to phey about 180 yards along the face of the coal in the old worKs at 3/.[shillings] a yard for this gate will be good and then about 50 yards forward thro’ coal and then Holt thinKs we shall come at the trespass – but the coal will pay when we get to it –

[margin: distance to      } where the dead water now stands

         phey and forward }

Holt staid till 1 3/4 – then had Washington upstairs in the blue room, Dr. Kenny being below at the same time told W-[Washington] to looK after the tumbled down wall at Staups – A-[Ann] agreed to excuse him £40 of the £140 he was to pay her for the Lidgate hay – so that there is only a hundred to deduct from the £500 to be paid for his field adjoining Hardcastles – Glad to avoid Dr. K-[Kenny] so Kept out of the way (in my study) – A-[Ann] and I off at 2 3/4 along the walK and the Leeds and Whitehall road to her fields in Bramley Lane where Robert Scholefield is walling –

some time there, and while A-[Ann] went in to mrs. Draper’s I stood talKing to Flather – would not tell me exactly what he sold his farm for to Joshua Keighley, but said he had altogether made what I bade him, or rather the sum I named to him, i.e. £800; for he had cut down the wood  ⸫[therefore] wood = £200 for william K-[Keighley] told me his brother gave £600 – Flather would not tell me what he sold the farm for for fear Joshua K-[Keighley] should be vexed at him for perhaps I was about maKing a bargain with J.K[Joshua Keighley] – no! said I [never] have I any thought of [?] [?] I am not

[margin: Flathers’ farm]

in returning A-[Ann] and I went into the Cliff land, to set out holes to be made for thorns to marK the pump and well trough – home all along by the old WaKefield road at 5 10/.. – some while with my father and marian – Letter left by someone from mr. W. Browne surveyor of taxes asKing if I had not a gameKeeper (Joseph PicKells) and a pointer dog –

dinner at 6 1/2 – coffee – with my father and marian 1/2 hour till 8 – I then had Eliza Howarth my sister gauche housemaid aetatis 17 into the little dining room for a little good advice for near 1/2 hour – mercy upon us, what a girl for housemaid here! then talKed to A-[Ann] and wrote the journal of today – 1/4 hour with my aunt till 10 1/4 – she had mr. Jubb 1/2 hour this evening between 6 and 7 – fine day Fahrenheit 43 1/2º at 10 20/.. p.m. –

[enaasteria]

Answered Asks // 3

Under the cut~~~

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 28th 2017, 12:18:00 pm · a month ago Hey! Will you be finishing apartment 5108 anytime soon? I've read it like 4 times and still cry everytime. Looking forward to the other chapters!!

Chapter 16 going up in a few mins. There are about 2 chapters left and it’ll be done. Thank you for reading!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 29th 2017, 12:22:00 am · a month ago I just finished reading all available 16 chapter of Apartment and wow- I cried several times. This is probably one of the best fanfictions I've ever come across on this sight, and I'm very thankful that you've decided to share. Ahri's development as a person has been mind blowing, and I'm looking forward to seeing how Sehun grows as well. Are you planning on making this several more chapters?

Thank you so much! I’m so glad you like their character development and it’s something I truly love in stories. I love it when characters change and grow. It just makes them feel a bit more dimensional and real. About 2 more chaps after 16. It’ll end at 17 with an epilogue of sorts at 18.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 29th 2017, 12:23:00 am · a month ago ALSO Ahri finally choosing to give him another chance and deviating away from her parents? It was an absolute tear fest. Although did Sehun ever know that she was hospitalized because of her allergy?

I know right!!! Honestly, it’s one of my finer writing moments. I love little things that relate to each other hahaha. And yes---Soi prob told him or yelled at him is more like it.

@sehunsmile​ said to enaasteria: August 29th 2017, 12:55:00 am · a month ago I just started re reading Apartment 5108 for the third time, i never get tired of your story!!!

Thank you babe! Thank you for your support and encouragement!!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 29th 2017, 8:54:00 am · a month ago i love apartment 5108!! i honestly love long fics and yours is like SUPER LONG PLUS it's quality content so that makes me very happy :))) thank you for working so hard on it! i can't wait for the next update <33

Thank you so much for reading and yessss this fic is so long. I tried to shorten it but it just didn’t work. I know you love long fics but writing them is true suffering at its best.

Anonymous said to enaasteria: August 29th 2017, 2:16:00 pm · a month ago You've become one of my favorite writers. A group of my friends and I from St Lucia have decide to meet up to read the last chapter of Apartment 5103 once it's posted. It's captivated us since the very beginning and we look forward to its completion and to be able to continue supporting your brilliant writing from a far 💞

Where were you when I visited?!?!!?! I’m so upset now T_____T Let me know how your meet goes bc the final chapter won’t be posted for some time. I hope you enjoy 16 in the mean time hahaha

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 9th 2017, 2:55:00 am · a month ago Nothing you write can ever be a mess 💗 don't stress too much over the chapter, or even at all really! You do it for your enjoyment! 💗we care more about you than a chapter

You’re so kind to me. Thank you so much for your gentle words and I’m so glad you enjoy this story!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 10th 2017, 4:53:00 am · a month ago Hi!!! I super love your writing!!! Especially Keepers!! I hope you update soon!!! Thank you for sharing your talent!!! <3

Keepers is such a favorite! I can’t wait to go back to it and write the 2nd chapter!

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 10th 2017, 5:05:00 am · a month ago DAMN GIRL YOU PULLING MY HEART STRINGS THATS WAS SO GOOD WTF OMG I LOVE YOUR SEHUN FANFIC

ThANK YOU SO MUCH??!?!?!?! I’m so glad you love it and please read 16 with low expectations. i’m kinda fkdsjfklsjflksdf about it. T___T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 13th 2017, 8:56:00 am · 23 days ago Hello ena! been stalking your tumblr every day since the last time you posted the latest chapter of Apartment 5108 which is chapter 15. Actually I got a lot of things to write but this is all came out from my mind now haha! You are currently my most favorite author 💞 your writing is so good, you inspire me to write better tho. For the past 3 years, I dont have enough courage to post any of my story but maybe soon? kkk. Oh last but not least I hope you can get out from writer block soon 😉

THANK YOU. I’m so glad you enjoy this fic and it’s so nice of you to say I’m your favorite author---LIKE WHAT IS LIFE. I don’t know how to handle these compliments but I’m so happy you love this story and please read 16 with low expectations. I’m kinda nervous about it and hope the flow is okay. T_____T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 19th 2017, 4:43:00 pm · 17 days ago I think I just finished the best Sehun fic ever, and is apartment 5108. You have no idea how beautiful and pleasing was for me to read such an amazing work. Thank you for share your talent, thank you for make me fall in love whit Ahri, Sehun and their story, thank you for touch my heart with your words and make me cry like a baby at 3 a.m wen I have to go to colege at 7 haha I found it last night and just finished the 15 part and I loved it SO MUCH! I hope your inspiration have no limit. Love u

OMG. WHAT A BLESSING TO READ THIS MESSAGE. I’m so happy you love this story. I can’t even begin to fathom my gratitude to those who read and enjoy my words. I’m also nervous when posting a chapter and I hope 16 doesn’t disappoint you. T___T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 22nd 2017, 5:32:00 am · 15 days ago Your fav fanfics??

I don’t read many fics but this is my fic rec blog! https://enaeolus.tumblr.com/

Anonymous said to enaasteria: September 25th 2017, 2:26:00 am · 12 days ago hi!! just wanted to ask where you’re at with apt 16? like how many words have u written(i’m sorry if i’m not supposed to ask i dont know if this is rude or not) but i love your apt series, it’s a blessing to mankind 💕💕💕💕

It is 18000+ words and I kind of want to die from writing it all. T___T

Anonymous said to enaasteria: October 6th 2017, 1:58:00 am · 16 hours ago hi, i just didn’t know how a fic would affect me so hard as much as apartment 5108 did ㅠㅠ tbh reading the 1st few chapters i thought it wasnt going to be really angsty but then i got to the later chaps and IM A WHOLE MESS!! i started this fic at around 2am and ended at 11am so you can tell i really had no sleep and i even ditched class!! thats how hooked i got into this fic. you made it so emotionally relatable and the imagery you projected was very vivid that i got lost in it! Cant wait for 16

AHDSFJJFSLDF THANK YOU. I know right. It was kind of a slow build up of angst which is what I love. It’s like you don’t feel the pain creeping up until it’s like..THERE LOL. AND NOOOOO WHY DID U SKIP CLASS T____T I’m so sorry this story made u miss class but I hope it was worth it??? HAHAHAH Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoy 16. 

[skgway]

1832 Nov., Mon. 12

9 1/4

12 1/2

Pickles came at 9 1/4 which roused me up – To see him after breakfast at Lower place or he to call here again in the evening – Letter 3 pages and ends from M– [Mariana] (Lawton) vide line 27 page 285. Inquiries about Miss W[alker]. Smokes what is going on. Writes with implied affection, true and great as that of former days. Is unhappy and carless off living long, and has made her will and …… the tears started to my eyes and all my own affection burst upon me again –

Breakfast at 10 40/.. with my aunt – George Robinson came almost immediately for near an hour – Settled with him for stone leading for James Smith’s road etc. – He proposed some means of getting rid of Lower Brea lane footpath – To see about another day –

Breakfast at 11 40/.. – Told my aunt of M– [Mariana]’s letter – Came to my room at 12 20/.. – Fire in my room and from 12 25/.. to note 2 pages of 1/2 sheet from Miss Walker at 1 10/.. in consequence of which off in 1/4 hour to Lidgate and there in 25 minutes –

Home again in 1/2 hour at 5 20/.. – At my desk in about 10 minutes – Wrote the last 1/4 of page 3, and the ends and under the seal and finished my letter to Breadalbane MacLean – Began yesterday – Thanks for her letter and the willows (sent off Monday 29th instant from Coll house) 

"which I am very anxiously expecting, not only for their own sake, but because they are associated with many remembrances that I value most highly" –

Should have written some days ago, but waited in the hope of announcing the arrival of the cuttings – Shall write by tonight’s post to Glasgow to inquire about them – Bavardage amical – Wonder how her people did without her so long (5 weeks away) 

"Your life is one continued benefit to them; and a five week’s arrear of such services is hardly to be made up" –

Sorry her father is so dead to the world and that Sir Hector’s health is so failing – Mention the death of old Lochiel on the 19th September – Only known to Lady S– [Stuart] on the 6th ultimo and not known to Vere on the 24th ultimo the date of her last letter to me (from Turin) – Hope 

"if Lochiel is obliged to come over immediately surely V– [Vere] will remain with her friends till he can return for her – I should quite dread her being hurried across the alps at this season of the year …. You would all be pleased at dear Vere’s having got her rank – Surely, it has some value in a world of vanities like this" –

Civil congratulations on  Mrs. Maclean’s being again about to increase her family and sorrow at Mrs. Hunter’s having lost her youngest daughter – The loss of my steward and my aunt’s suffering health have kept me so long here or I should have been on the continent again before this – But my aunt so very much recovered, no longer uneasy about her – She herself spirits me up to get off, and I hope to leave here about the end of January but all things here so uncertain never think much of plans very long beforehand – Kind regards to all I know "and believe me always very truly yours A Lister" –

Had written the following 2 1/4 pages to M– [Mariana] just before being off to Lidgate –

"Shibden Hall – Monday 12 November 1832 

Mary! I have been late this morning, and have done nothing but see and speak to Marian, and breakfast, since reading your letter – It would be difficult to describe the effect it has upon me – It is many months since I have basked beneath the beam of happiness, and without courage to think of the past, or hope to calculate the future, I am attempting to answer your letter –

Your account of yourself unnerves me – I grieve over your leaving Lawton, and tho’ I could, and would, see good in your going to Leamington, if you would let me, I am now uneasy at the thought, and little out of sorts than you can be – The only thing I rest upon, is the manner in which you mention coming here for a few days –

It makes me fancy, nay almost hope, my scheme is not quite impossible – You would have been agreeably surprised, and satisfied to hear what Marian said about it – Say I am not well (God knows I am sick enough at heart) or, which is true, that I am in great perplexity, or that my aunt is poorly (tho’ she is very much better, and probably in no danger) or say what you please, but lose no time in coming to me for at least a few days –

I really do want to see you – I will take the carriage and meet you at Manchester – Do pray make an exertion and get off – At any rate, answer my letter by the second post after you receive it, and tell me if you cannot come off immediately – Nothing like the spur of the moment –

You will get my letter tomorrow afternoon – and, if your answer is off on Wednesday morning, at night on that day I may hear whether I may be off for you on Thursday or Friday morning at seven, or not – Bring merely a few things and yourself – I will take care of you from and to Manchester –

You will see from my manner of writing, that I am not likely to relax my interest while it is yet necessary to your happiness – Your pages of Saturday make me fancy, I may have been mistaken, and that, in the bitterness of disappointment and regret, I may have miscalculated what it was my interest and desire to estimate most correctly 

This here written after dinner –

It is needless to write more – I shall anxiously and impatiently wait your answer – I would give worlds to hear of your being in better health and spirits – I had a letter from Eugénie last night – I consider her engaged; and she is to wait my orders till January –

I cannot enter upon the subject of my friend, as my aunt and sister laugh and call her – I am too much thinking of the interests of other days – Come if you can – You might be almost ride over to Manchester –

But cheer up, my dearest Mary – Time was when I had power to charm you into pleasure-stirring thought, and almost into happiness – I am what I was – And yet this power is gone, – Parted like Aynt never to return? 

God bless you! The heart knoweth its own bitterness – ’Tis harder than you think to break the spell of twenty years – Entirely and very especially yours AL –

Sent off at 8 by John my letter to Miss Maclean of Coll, Coll house Aros North Britain and my letter to Mrs. Lawton Lawton Hall, Lawton, Cheshire and my letter to the “Reverend T. Ainsowrth, at Miss Bentley’s, 1 crescent, Salford, Manchester”

George Robinson then came and staid till 9 – Said Ramsden, now the constable of H–x [Halifax], bought the last ground sold adjoining my Northgate land at 11/6 [shillings/pence] a yard – and Stancliffe bought his ground fronting into Broad street the street given at 12 /. [shillings] or 12/6 [shillings/pence] a yard but then it was cleared, or sunk down ready for building –

Had seen Bates of Washer Lane who said that I might build a good corn mill at Mytholm with saw and goit and wheel and machinery for £1500 and might have 7 to 7 1/2 percent for my money tho’ people in general did not look for much for their money now – 

Some man (Brook?) of Brighouse is letting a mill had 10 percent on his money for the 1st ten years, and then 5 percent rent afterwards – The Embargo on Dutch vessels has already made a great difference – Has stopt the German trade –

Went into the other room for 1/2 hour till 9 1/2 �� π [Mariana] thought I might have gone from York to Langton 

"Is it Miss Walker of Crow Nest with whom you seem so suddenly to have formed an alliance? You mention her twice as "my friend" and as you were not wont to bestow this title lightly I am puzzled to unders[t]and, not having ever heard you mention her name,  how Miss W[alker] has so quickly succeeded in adding herself to the list so designated.

You say, "I shall be glad to hear your friend was etc. etc." I am glad to hear anything that gives you pleasure, and so far shall be pleased to hear all possible good of Miss Walker, but as I don't remember ever having seen her. 

She must be satisfied with secondhand interest for I cannot fancy her at all one of those who could herself awaken it. So far as her better health can contribute to your comfort, I rejoice that it is likely to improve and hope by this time she has somewhat recovered the loss of her particular friend" –

You say ‘I always tell you how much better Mr. Lawton is,’ because you always ask me. In bodily health he is certainly better than I have known him for years, but in mind and temper he is infinitely worse. As he improves I fall off, and I have been weak enough to fret and discomfort myself about this Leamington plan until I have almost made myself ill –

M– [Mariana] in very bad spirits about going to Leamington – "and if I could get to you, I should come for consolation" – Should be glad to spend a few days with me but does not know how it can be managed –

Watson more philosophical than π [Mariana], thinks she shall get all her mistresses things off to a place of safety   

"Made my will the other day, and told Watson where to find it – I do not fancy, my dearest Fred, that my health or happiness will claim your attention 20 years longer, so dont relax your interest while it is yet necessary to my happiness. I live in so much discomfort that it cannot be expected that I should covet living forever”

Concludes with 

God bless you Fred. Whatever I have said or may say, trust me, there is not much warmer affection bestowed upon you than that which flows from the heart of yours, very entirely, Mariana –

Poor π [Mariana].

Vide line 4 of today –  The following is Miss W[alker]s note

I have received a letter, which you shall see, but we must meet on different terms. Oh that I had taken you at your word last Monday, and as you said finished the matter on that day.  I should then have spared you this additional bitterness. 

I did hope when my word was once given to you that I should have felt at rest and satisfied, but in reflecting on all you have said and trying to turn it to my own advantage   I cannot satisfy my conscience, and with such sufferings as I have endured since Wednesday, I feel I could not make you happy. That I should only bring misery upon you,   for misery I am sure it would be to you to see me in the state I have been in for several days.

It was this sort of wretchedness that was expressed in my note on Friday. It was these miserable feelings that prompted my request

(that is I suppose for me not to send to York for the ring)

For your own sake, fly whilst it is yet in your power, 

(I smile as I copy this sentence)  

and believe that I will never intrude myself in any way upon you (unless it is your wish) whenever you revisit the neighbourhood. 

Nov[embe]r 12 eighteen hundred and 32 writton [written] on the outside of this half sheet but under cover,

Read this alone

–

Off I set. Found her twenty minutes ago returned from Cliff hill and lying on the bed in tears. Kissed and soothed her till in a few minutes she went down to dinner. I remained in her room a little while read overMr. Ainsworth’s letter pathetic appeal to her feelings, making sure that she must be engaged and hoping that her choice would do all he, Mr. A[insworth], had hoped to have done.

Begging her to take the scrapbook as a friend and to condescend  to write in answer to say if he might send the book and a narrative of himself. And if this business should be the death of him, he would only pray for blessings on her. But much bad tact and the whole ill done, tho better than I expected. 

I went down before dinner was over. Agreeablized and amused both Miss Parkhill and Miss W[alker]. Then pretending business letters for Miss W[alker] to answer, Miss P[arkhill] left us, and I talked the poor girl into admiration of my conduct and into thorough approbation of my writing and sending (I wrote there and shewed it to her) the following to Mr. Ainsworth,

Lightcliffe Mon[day] 12 November eighteen hundred and 32. 

Sir, I am commissioned by Miss Walker to acknowledge immediately the receipt of your letter of Saturday and to inform you that she has given me for the future, at least for some time to come, the surveillance of all her letters and parcels.

I am Sir your obedient servant, Anne Lister

Before writing I had asked if it was her heart that had changed towards Mr. A[insworth]. No, it was all her conscience. She owned she was not in a fit state to judge fairly and tho she had felt great affection for him, yet she did not know how it was, now all seemed dead. And if she felt at liberty, she did not know or think he was quite the man she should choose, in spite of the two great things, his being a clergyman and liking to live at Cliff hill. 

‘Well, but what would you have done had I not been here?’ She said she would certainly have exone[ra]ted herself now. Would have gone to her aunt Ploughs in London and then brought down the Chapmans with her. She would not have been alone and would have kept out of the way and done the best she could.

This, said I, is enough. In answer to her note said I did not think her at liberty to marry anyone without my consent, in which she agreed, and that Wednesday had given me a power over her which I was determined to use in her service. She would be better by and by and more able to judge for herself, and then she might try again, but now I should not let her.

She might safely trust to my honour, but I pledged myself to nothing. She brightened up and owned how much better she was. I even brought away, with her full consent, and A[insworth]’s letter, and the book of prayers he gave her with a long rigmarole written on one of the flyleaves promising to get her another of the same from London, and on asking for my dirty night things to bring back she said no till I promised to send clean ones, and we parted very good friends. 

She agreeing with me that she had reason to be thankful for the great event of Wednesday – Who could have anticipated such a result as the consequence of her note?  She likes me. But my affections are not so fearfully and I irretrievably hers as she thinks, and I shall manage well enough, tho I really will do her all the good I can –

Writing the above till 11 – Came to my room at 11 20/.. and then wrote note to Mrs. Holroyde

“Mr. T. Holroyde Esquire Solicitor Halifax” in answer respecting the land at Northgate – Not in any way anxious to sell, but would sell lot A as marked in the plan if his client would give my price – But before naming any terms I wished to know what sort of buildings it was proposed to erect –

Wrote to desire Booth to get me Gilpins practical hints on Landscape gardening and theform of family prayers published by Hatchard and Son Piccadilly London 8 edition 1828. 12mo. [duodecimo] pages 159 and 2 bottles of Albin and Chapman’s chemical writing ink – 

Did my clothes for the wash. Very fine November day – Fahrenheit 49º now at 11 40/.. – Sent off my note written last night to Mr. Holroyde –

[in margin] vide line 12 page 286

nothing like the spur of the moment

very fine November day

[imyourtrigger]

Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

[awhilesince]

Thursday, 11 February 1830

9 3/4

1 1/4

Dr Tupper called as he often does on my aunt at this time of morning – went in to thank him for his book – at 10 3/4 – He had just been telling my aunt that it was in the papers this morning that Lord Graves had cut his throat – my aunt shocked – said I had never mentioned the thing to her at all – should have been if it could have been hushed up – there were private circumstances which aggravated the case – Poor Lord G– (Graves)! at the time he was so ably but quietly advocating the duke’s cause to me at Aix la Chapelle and Brussels, the duke was heaping on him the deadliest injury! – But as Dr T– (Tupper) observed this will only make him more unpopular than ever – said it was odd I had not heard from Mrs Barlow – It seems she wrote to Mr Delisle from Nice – hoped to see Dr T– (Tupper) – some evening soon, saying he knew Captain and Mrs Droz – must ask them all – 

breakfast over at 11 20/60  – wrote the above of today – read over my letter written last night to IN (Isabella Norcliffe) – chit chat – mentioned having received at Laffittes 287/. for her stays earrings and Mrs James Dalton’s veil – speak handsomely of the Poore’s – think him 

“very gentlemanly and does not give me at all the idea of being guilty of intentional rudeness to anyone – there must have been some mistake about his not speaking to you in Bath – I certainly did happen to meet them at our ambassador’s; but as it happened to be at the ball, and not at one of the more private soirées, to all of which however, Lady S– (Stuart) de R– (Rothesay) had been good enough to invite me, I cannot fancy there was to be attributed to the men local of our meeting any such influence as you imagine – I think Lady P– (Poore) a very nice person –

she had been remarkably civil to me even tho I have not yet told her she was inquired about in a letter I had the other day from a person whose remembrance  tho slight she would probably not dislike   I mean Miss Hobart Miss MacLeans niece  Lord Buckinghamshires ssister  there is all the finery that I have written conclude with love to all 

“and tell them I am determined that, by hook or by crook, I will not be forgotten” – …. good night my dearest Sibbella – Ever very faithfully and affectionately yours AL– Anne Lister”

speak of Mrs James Dalton 3 times and always in the letter as aunt Maria – at 12 5/60 off to Captain Hall’s – the honourable Captain de Rous there RN– (Royal Navy) and his friend Captain commander R.N. (Royal Navy), Langford – the former had been buying, Quai Voltaire he said between the Pont des Arts, and neuf, some little etchings which he believed to be Rembrandt’s – has 6 of them – had given 2 francs for one of them – they were worth 10/. a piece – he is collector – quite understands Rembrandt’s etchings – a thickish 8vo (octavo) published describing them all – both the 2 RN–s (Royal Navys) gentlemanly – they went away about 1 1/2  – I unluckily asked Captain H– (Hall) to sketch me as he had done Captain L– (Langford) sat 3 times without intermission from 1 40/60 to 2 1/2 for 3 miserable attempts no more like me than like Captain H– (Hall) himself – of course, I said all I could for them – that there was the character of myself etc. etc. tired of death of so wasting my time, but said it with good grace; for after the 1st attempt, he said he got quite into the thing and wished me to sit again – 

home at 2 3/4 – wrote the last 8 lines – said I thought I should not go to the ball   in fact I have no one to go with would not ask the Halls to go with them   they would rather be entoures by Lady Hislop etc. than me and I should never think of the Halls but in dire necessity – I care not for the ball but shall be glad to have a companion by and by – 1/4 hour nap in my chair till 4 – my day, how wasted! Dressing – dawdling over 1 thing or other – Forest to have come at 4 3/4 – not come at 5, so sent for the coiffeur that live’s  Monsieur Senés house place neuve de la Madeleine no 2 – 

got to the Pringles (Hotel du Mont Blanc rue de la paix no 25) at 6 – a Mrs Alexander and Miss Hill there – by and by came the 2 Misses Pringle, then the bride and bridegroom Mr and Mrs P– Pringle – sat down and dinner (12) at 6 50/60 – 3 silver covered dishes each – only one soup I think, and at the bottom – this removed and soles top and a large “truite saumonée” salmon trout at the bottom – these were removed and nothing replaced them – the side dishes which had waited all this time were of course quite cold – there were petits patés, and lamb cotelettes, and a large standing pie like, looking paté called a volauvent, and a piled up in steps dish like a hash of calve’s head the large pieces of tongue forming a prominent part, and a mould of something like savoury jelly or brawn, and I did not see the other thing – Bordeaux, Sauterne, and champagne white and red – waited a long time after the fish was removed – the host and hostess not asking anybody to have anything and the servants not handing things round – at these was a partial attempt at the latter and Mr P– (Pringle) invited all to have volauvent the dish that was misplaced and brought to him to serve – waited for the 2nd course – Dindon aux Truffes top, a large dish full (6 or 8, woodcocks bottom – 2 jellies (reddish) and yellow à l’ordinaire) each side middle and all 4 corners vegetables – stewed celery, Brussels sprouts, Epinards, and something else – pommes de terre à la maître d’hotel for they were handing round and Mr P– (Pringle) ate them with his woodcock – at Dessert the 2 jellies removed – a cream top and ice bottom (but somehow before the ice came Mr P– (Pringle) had a Charlotte Russe of which I ate – not good –) – and apples and sweet biscuits and gateaux etc. for dessert – an expensive, cold, not good dinner – but everbody talked and played the agreeable and all went off well – Mrs P– (Pringle) tho’ sat inanimate – seeming to make no play neither as to conversation nor anything else – a fine woman with lately a heat in her face that appears to spoil beauty – she seems quiet, and amiable, but not to have much in her – it was about 9 when we left table – Mr and Mrs and the 2 Misses P– (Pringle), Captain and Mrs and Miss Hall, Mrs Alexander, Miss Hill and Lord St. Clare or Sinclair, and Mr Ogelvie Sir something Ogelvie’s son obliged to come home on leave of absence from India on account of his health and myself = 12 – a soirée after dinner – ladies to the amount of 24 or 25 and a few gentlemen altogether about 30 – filled the salon sufficiently – the P–s (Pringles) going tomorrow morning at 11 –expressed all civil regrets – talked to a Mrs Gowan, and Lord Sinclair, and the Halls, and much to Mr P– (Pringle) and his sister – their mother 2nd cousin to Lady Hardwick, and young Mrs P– (Pringle) cousin of some sort to Lady S– (Stuart) de R– (Rothesay) Mr P–‘s (Pringle’s) father that I used to know at Mr Duffin’s died in 1827 – his place 5 miles from Selkirk, 4 miles from Abbotsford and Sir Walter Scott – Mr P– (Pringle) hoped to see me there – would shew me all the lions – the Misses P– (Pringle) and their mother have bought a house 46 Charlotte square Edinborough and hope to see me – beg me to consider it a home they fancied me quite an old acquaintance – talked a little to Mrs P– Pringle at the end of the evening – seemingly a very quiet, good person – all the party came away about the same time – home at 11 – 

note of invitation to dine at the embassy tomorrow – the servant who brought the note wanted an immediate answer, but impossible as I was gone out to dinner – wrote and sent George immediately with the following 

“Miss Lister se fera l’honneur de diner chez l’ambassadeur d’angleterre et Lady Stuart de Rothesay vendredi prochain 12 Fevrier à six heures et demie”

directed “the Lady Stuart de Rothesay” – 

sat talking to my aunt 1/2 hour and came to my room at 11 40/60 – spoke to Cameron about its being indispensable for me to have someone to dress my hair – should be glad if she could manage it and suit me – if not it would be no fault on her part as I was quite sure she always did the best she could –, and I was with Mrs Lawton and Mrs Belcombe and her family do the best I could to get her a place – the man thus waiting said she would require perhaps 15 less at 3/. each and 25 or 30 sols for a person of whose to make a block for practising on – she must consider whether she would be at this expense – of course, I could not pay for her learning her business, but would raise her wages if she could dress my hair, and suit me better –

thinking much of being asked to dine at the embassy thankful to god for all his blessings and praying that I might never on any occasion forget my gratitude to the author of all good   my first impression was to kneel down and be thankful    oh that I may always think first to thank god for all his blessings – 

while dressing this afternoon came note from Mr Lindley enclosing letter 2 3/4 pages from Miss MacLean to introduce this Mr Lindley (Augustus Frederick) 

“a very particular friend of my aunt Machan’s who has requested me to introduce Mr Lindley to you – he is grandson of the Lady Elizabeth Murray who was daughter to the duke of Athole, so that he is cousin to the present duke – my aunt mentions that he is intimately acquainted with president Polignac – and perhaps you can tell him the best mode of introduction to Lord and Lady Stuart de Rothesay but as my aunt also says he is going to Paris expressively to visit the Royal family – I should think his introduction sufficient – he will tell you how I look – I have not the pleasure of his acquaintance yesterday being the 1st day I ever saw him” 

…..!!! I immediately wrote a note back by his servant to say I was sorry I was not at home yesterday but should be at home any time between 12 and 2 today and should be glad to see him – he said in his note he should be glad to call any Time I would appoint – his note dated “Hotel de Lille et d’Albion“ – after undressing sat musing a little – Dr T– (Tupper) said this morning Fahrenheit had been at 31° Fahrenheit out my window at 36 at 10 a.m. and about 31° I think on coming to my room tonight –

left margin: Miss MacL–‘s (Maclean’s) letter Saturday the 3rd instant ”Mrs Lawton sat for some time with me on Monday – I never saw her looking so well, so fat, and rosy – and the picture of happiness so cheerful – she talks of paying you a visit soon” !!!

(SH:7/ML/E/12/0162) (SH:7/ML/E/12/0163)

[d1tman-blog]

Not to get ll maudlin and shit, but if I seem impatient sometimes,...well, here is an excerpt from my diary, started when I contracted Congestive Heart Failure and Atrial Fibrillation...

Diary Excerpts 3 The background story really starts in my childhood: I contracted Rheumatic Fever when I was 9 years old, a disease that left me with a damaged valve in my heart, and a slight heart murmur.  Before you get started on the diary, put something that mildly buzzes next to your ear. Keep it there a few minutes. That is one of the things I have going on 24/7/365, and have had it for 3 years (tinnitus). Now get a belt and tighten it as tight as you can by hand around your head. that is what I feel 24/7/365:                                                             My life changed drastically and unalterably in early October, 2015. I had gotten that terrible flu that went round Atlanta and did not understand or recognize it's severity until I felt as if I would not draw another breath. I woke up one Sunday morning unable to breathe. I could only breathe sitting straight up. Monday morning I made a doctor appointment with my general practitioner. To make a long story short, I ended up in the hospital in late October  for the 1st of 11 times, sometimes only 5 days per stay, sometiems as long as 9 days (as of 5/23/2018).  I remained in the hospital a week. The flu had developed into pneumonia, and bacteria from the pneumonia damaged my heart even more than the childhood illness did), causing congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart. Complications from these and from the medicines to combat it have also caused renal insufficiency and elevated liver enzymes. I am now on 9 medications to combat the diseases. I have also had two TIAs (mini strokes) and precancerous polyps were removed from my colon. To those who will be conducting and/or involved in my funeral:                                                     Don't spend any more money than necessary to bury me. If I am near death and someone finds me, don't use heroic measures to save me. Just keep me from as much pain as possible. It is in many respects difficult to contemplate death, but the facts and my present condition preclude a long life, so I will end this journey shortly.  I am comforted by the words attributed to Julius Caeser in Shakespeare's novel: " Cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant taste of death but once. Of all the wonders that I yet have heard, It seems to me most strange that men should fear death, Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come." To be honest, I will be glad when this life of misery and pain is over. I wish it would have been different.  I wish that all I had dreamed and aspired to had become reality. The circumstances have dealt a different path though. I have taken a very different road in life than I ever would have imagined. There is so much to say: The loss of broken and unrealized dreams, expectations unfilled, life cut short. I hope my ramblings on Facebook, Twitter and tumblr, and my encounters on this journey called life have had a positive impact on someone, and that I have made a positive difference in someone's life. I will keep a diary starting on page two of this document. I hope to live a long life, but It doesn't seem like that is to be. I have made some tremendous mistakes in my life, but hope the good I have done outweighs the bad. There isn't a day that goes by when I am not saddened unbearably by losing the love of family.  To everyone, I love you.

Diary: 10/18/2016. I felt pretty fair throughout most of the day, although I haven't slept a lot. I haven't really kept track but I believe I slept about 4 hours from 4:30am until 8:30am, then from about 2:30pm until 4:30pm. I feel like **** now. Weak, heart beating hard... I think nearly every day about not living through this any more...Congestive heart failure, atrial fibrillation, and an enlarged heart - it is a bitch to live with - no energy, no stamina, hurting or in some type of discomfort constantly. 10/20/2016 I feel a little bit better today - still no energy to speak of. I hurt my back, so am dealing with that in addition to everything else. I think I have made contact with someone - a public defender - who can help Kevin. I stay tired and sleepy nearly all the time... 10/21/2016 Can't sleep. Heart racing, lungs feel tight. 10/22/2016 went back on Proventil inhaler. I think last dose was about 10:45pm 10/21/2016. Have to wait another hour for another dose. can't breathe. Weak stomach tight/bloated. have dry cough. able to sleep 5 hours after 2nd dose of Proventil. Still no energy, no stamina. Throat and mouth dry. slept another 3 hours. Ear infection is back. Ear infection is bothering the hell out of me. Constant ringing. a little sick - don't know if it is from ear infection or other malady - had runny stool several times yesterday. Lost my appetite. Got prescriptions and started back taking them. I hope it gets me feeling better. Kevin's arraignment was Wednesday - charged with felony marijuana possession, misdemeanor marijuana possession, and drug paraphernalia. Finally getting a little hungry. Ate 1/2 Big Mac large meal earlier; Will finish it. Lasix is working me over. 10/23/2016 hard to breathe - can't sleep well. yet am almost overpoweringly sleepy. I finally got a little sleep - about 5 hours. Stomach is cramping, still no energy, no stamina. 10/24/2016 Woke up early - hard to breathe. don't have stamina or energy for ****. Get extremely tired when sitting in a chair and need to lie down and rest, but it takes a long time to sleep - if I am able to - because it is hard to breathe lying down.  made a doctor's appointment for Thursday at 3:30pm. 10/25/2016 same as yesterday. may be getting a little worse. 10/26/2016 my worst day yet. same as the days above, but can't get relief even for a moment. Constant pain and discomfort, tightening band around my head - helluva headache 11/8/2016 Still feel nauseous about 3/4 of the day each day. Doctors think it is the medicine that makes me sick: Indications for some of the meds say will make you sick. Kevin still has shitty attitude. He doesn't get it that he will need to impress the hell out of the jailers to get conditional release program. 11/11/2016 Sick as ****. I hope that is what is causing me to be so confrontational with people rather than me turning into an a**hole. I went off on Jecca. Got jealous because she contacted an old boyfriend of hers. Turns out he called her because he has some type of injury to  his hand and foot and wanted some sympathy. I told her if she continues contact with him I would start hanging with sluts and send her pictures. I told him I would stomp his ass if he kept contacting her. I got pretty nasty with her before we finally made up and resolved it. 11/12/2016 I have been off the diary except sporadically for a while. I thought I was getting better: No such luck. Started driving to class today and threw up all over myself and my car. I am extremely nauseous, and have a tremendous headache.  I get hungry as hell, but then get full after only two or three bites of food. Death would be a blessing. No energy, listless, no ambition, no drive. Headaches are the norm for me, and the ear infection is chronic with constant tinnitus. 11/13/2016 pretty much the same as yesterday. a general feeling of malaise, nauseated. 12/4/2016 I was invited to Christmas dinner. I hope I can have the energy to go. It is getting to the point I don’t even want to be around anyone. I just want to be in the comfort of my own home. Becoming even more of a recluse than normal. New medication regimen seems to be working a little better. Still feel weak and sleepy most of the time. I guess tinnitus will be permanent. 12/12/2016 Was invited to a show free of charge to sell my jewelry. I don’t have the stamina to set up my display, much less be there several hours. Headaches are normal, and tinnitus is constant. 4 days now with no sleep. Period. Zilch. Nada. Bupkiss. 12/24/2016 I can’t make it to the Christmas dinner I was invited to. I don’t have the energy to go. Staying home and cooking chicken with vegetables. 11/14/2017 It has been a long time since the last entry, but what's the point? At least by reading it I discover again the pain and shitty feeling all the time are not new. I don't know what the merit is in that, but it makes me feel like maybe I am not getting worse: I just get the unparralled joy of feeling like total **** all the time: Nausea - constant; headache - constant; tinitus - constant. It is all 24/7/ 365 until I manage to sleep for a little while - 3 or if I'm lucky, 4 hours at a time.  YIPPEE!!! On a different note, Jecca and I are no longer together. When I incurred tremendous financial burdens because of the CHF, she no longer wanted to stick around. It has really done a number on me emotionally, but on the other hand, it wouldn't be fair to want her to stick around and watch me die, becoming a widow in the prime of her life.   I would like at my funeral, Crossing the Bar read during the service: Crossing the Bar   BY ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON Sunset and evening star,    And one clear call for me!   And may there be no moaning of the bar,    When I put out to sea,  

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,    Too full for sound and foam,   When that which drew from out the boundless deep    Turns again home.  

Twilight and evening bell,    And after that the dark!     And may there be no sadness of farewell,    When I embark;  

For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place    The flood may bear me far,   I hope to see my Pilot face to face    When I have cross’d the bar. I started an online ministry - not much participation - only 22 members after a few months, but I post sermons and positive thoughts for the day, most of the time twice a day on the positive thoughts. Well, I will stop blubbering and blathering now. Nothing can change, unless I somehow have the good fortune of being hit by a Mack truck or a meteor falling from the sky to put me out of my misery, or something like that. Yippee kayay. Anecdote: I may seem at times to not have much patience with people when they have their little foibles. I am not cold hearted, and have tremendous empathy when people are truly in pain or have grief. It is the little mundane bs that people grouse about that annoys me. My sister  died when she was 15 and I was 16, from leukemia. My youngest brother died when he was 3 and I was 17, from aplastic anemia. My other brother died when he was 45 and I was 53, from a lifetime of alcohol and drug abuse. Both my parents died several years ago, and I am the only one left in my original family, and the only close relative I have is my son, who is now 30 yrs old. My girlfriend at the time (1977) died in my arms  because she had been to a party and OD'd from booting cocaine.  I was driving north on I-285 just north of Atlanta in 1984 when I saw a car lose control and t-bone another one, splitting it into. They both burst into flames. I was just behind them and drove through the flames, stopped and tried to rescue the people I saw burning in one of the cars. I couldn't get in to them because the flames had engulfed the car and I had to watch them burn, unable to help. I was driving on a state highway near my house when I was still a teenager and saw a car lose control and run into a delivery truck. The truck flipped over on its top, and the car slid in a ditch. When I got to the car (this was before padded steering wheels and air bags) I found the driver with part of the steering wheel sticking out of his throat. Both occupants were dying. All this is to say I have seen far more than my share of death and I have no patience with people who complain about little mundane things. On the other side of the fortune coin, I lost control of my car during a rain storm in which I ran over a board with a nail in it and blew out a tire in the rain slick highway: I rolled several times and was hit with the car jack in the head before coming to a stop at the bottom of a 27 foot embankment, but was not seriously injured. I was with a group of musicians in 1969 during the Piedmont Arts Festival in Atlanta, when we drove to the countryside with 3 cases of Red Ripple wine, using them as seats.  The driver lost control of the van and we rolled several times down an embankment, and all but two bottles of wine broke. None of us were seriously injured. So forgive me if sometimes am a bit impatient and high strung.  A friend once said, "Don't sweat the small stuff".

[jesliey]

Henlo you stinki poop. Go do all the asks, you stinki boi.

OH

alright boiz lets do this... *cracks knuckles*

under the cut because this gonna be fuckin long...

200: My crush’s name is:

Her name is Lucy, and she is really amazing, and thank fuck she doesnt have a tumblr...

199: I was born in: 

1996 BABEY

198: I am really:

Three gnomes in a trenchcoat.

197: My cellphone company is:

Telus, and im less than thrilled about that....bare minimum passable service at best

196: My eye color is:

Blue-grey ish

195: My shoe size is:

Depends on where i go, but generally 12 - 13~

194: My ring size is:

Oh fuck man i dont remember...i think i was 10.5 when i got mine fitted??

193: My height is:

6′3″~

192: I am allergic to:

Pet hair and dander mostly...nothing to the point of lethality, just making me wish it was...

191: My 1st car was:

Still dont own my first car, but if i had a choice of anything itd be a custom 1985 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am

190: My 1st job was:

First paying? Retail. Hated it, drove a forklift without a licence, got fired. Whoop.

189: Last book you read:

Not from start to finish, but i started Prison School a while ago

188: My bed is:

A single. Aint got that much room in student housing my guy...

187: My pet:

@vocoterra​

186: My best friend:

@vocoterra​

185: My favorite shampoo is:

Im a tresemme boi. Love me some silky smooth hair

184: Xbox or ps3:

PC

183: Piggy banks are:

Pretty much nonexistent in this house i think....

182: In my pockets:

This question is reserved for someone wearing pants

181: On my calendar:

I have a calendar?

180: Marriage is:

Optional

179: Spongebob can:

Live on forever in my heart, but i know it peaked at Band Geeks...

178: My mom:

Is short and angry and im lov her

177: The last three songs I bought were?

>bought

176: Last YouTube video watched:

175: How many cousins do you have?

Im Polish....its a lot....

174: Do you have any siblings?

2 step sisters, and a half sister!

173: Are your parents divorced?

Yup

172: Are you taller than your mom?

Yeah but thats not saying much...

171: Do you play an instrument?

170: What did you do yesterday?

Did computer maintenance for an hour, went to the gym with Lucy, came home and had realtalk with my upstairs neighbor for like 3 hours. It was a good day :D

[ I Believe In ]169: Love at first sight:

Ehhh not really....attraction at first sight? Oh fuck yeah. Infatuation? Absolutely, but not love. Its two ways of knowing and understanding for each person involved, and a first meeting wont provide that.

168: Luck:

Randomness and chance is just not being far enough back to see all of the factors that come into play to influence an outcome. Those concepts only exist to explain something that cannot be currently understood.

167: Fate:

Not really. Choices and actions continuously influence the paths that everyone takes, and theres no such thing as not making a choice. Fate is all a matter of having the wisdom to discern which choices you want to make to reach a certain path. #deep

166: Yourself:

Fuck no that guys an asshole

165: Aliens:

In an infinite universe where we have no concept of its true size? I find it incredibly arrogant to assume that we live on the ONLY planet capable of hosting life out of something so infinite. #IWantToBelieve

164: Heaven:

Nah. I wont believe in anything until i can see it for myself.

163: Hell:

See above ^

162: God:

Im agnostic at best...if there is a “God” then they have a lot to answer for. Because they are either omnipotent or benevolent. I refuse to believe that a god can be both.

161: Horoscopes:

Its a nice little thought piece to pass the time, but i feel like human choices and actions shape personalities better than relative time of birth ever could

160: Soul mates:

Everyone is their own person with thoughts, feelings, responsibilities, and aspirations. Finding someone who is in every sense perfectly aligned with another in terms of “soul mates” is unlikely. Its all a spectrum of how well lifestyles can mesh.

159: Ghosts:

Nah fam.

158: Gay Marriage:

Spoiler Alert: Gay Marriage Is Just Marriage Between People Who Happen To Be Gay

157: War:

Its a reality, and as much as i hate it, due to human nature it is inevitable and almost necessary. War will never go away.

156: Orbs:

ＯＲＢＳ

155: Magic:

Its a term historically used to explain what cannot conventionally be explained. As soon as there is documentation and explanation, then it becomes a science and it can be studied.[ This or That ]

154: Hugs or Kisses:

I like me some huggin....

153: Drunk or High:

Both? Both....both is good. Gotta be careful with it though

152: Phone or Online:

Online mang

151: Red heads or Black haired:

I MEAN WHY CHOOSE??

150: Blondes or Brunettes:

I usually enjoy brunette more than blonde...

149: Hot or cold:

You can always put on more layers, but you can only take off so much before its a felony

148: Summer or winter:

Winter. Hot cocoa BITCHES~

147: Autumn or Spring:

Autumn season = Best season

146: Chocolate or vanilla:

I like me some vanilla

145: Night or Day:

Imma night owls ngl

144: Oranges or Apples:

Tough choice, but i love me some citrus

143: Curly or Straight hair:

yes

142: McDonalds or Burger King:

Wendy’s. Fight Me.

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate:

White, but only in select quantities...

140: Mac or PC:

PC, but if more programs and games had support id choose linux

139: Flip flops or high heals:

Neither...im more of a work boot kind of guy...

138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor:

Jokes on you bud im ugly AND poor!

Ugly and rich tho. I can pay to fix my fucked up appearance, and youre damn right id use my money to fix up my town

137: Coke or Pepsi:

BEPIS BABEY YEAH

136: Hillary or Obama:

Remember when Obama reconciled with Japan for the dropping of nuclear ordinance on Hiroshima and also thanked them for anime? That was pretty damn cool of him.

I mean Hillary dabs though so i mean theres that

135: Burried or cremated:

Cremated. Not necessarily when i die. Just whenever. Surprise me.

134: Singing or Dancing:

Singing...i cant dance...

Cant do either, but at least i feel a bit better about my voice...

133: Coach or Chanel:

I dont understand the question....

132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks:

Wasnt a huge Taylor fan....Kat by default

131: Small town or Big city:

Both are nice, but i think i like the idea of disappearing in a big city more than the peace of a small town.

130: Wal-Mart or Target:

Im Canadian, so Walmart it is

129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler:

Owen Wilson. Your move.

128: Manicure or Pedicure:

I dont remember which one is which, so whichever one does feet. My hands see frequent use, and it would not last.

127: East Coast or West Coast:

East Coast. Vancouver is the only thing the west has going for it in my eyes

126: Your Birthday or Christmas:

Birthday. I like having a day just all to myself. No one is gonna take that from me.

125: Chocolate or Flowers:

Ehhhh both are really temporary...wanna get me a gift that lasts? Make it a really cool looking sword

124: Disney or Six Flags:

DIDNEY WORL

123: Yankees or Red Sox:

[ Here’s What I Think About ]122: War:

Its unclean at best, its inevitable, and its almost certainly necessary.

121: George Bush:

By comparison right now his administration is looking pretty good

120: Gay Marriage:

Completely legal and totally socially acceptable. The fact that its an issue is baffling to say the least.

119: The presidential election:

You guys elected the annoying orange so you tell me

118: Abortion:

Her body, her choice, end of discussion. Die mad about it.

117: MySpace:

An artifact of an internet age gone by...

116: Reality TV:

If i wanted to watch peoples daily lives, there are vlogs out there that are a thousand times more genuine than anything ive seen on network television

115: Parents:

They should do their absolute best to raise their child to be better than them. The next generation should always be pushed to be able to leave the world better than the previous generation did. Thats how humanity evolves.

114: Back stabbers:

Pretty sure theres a circle in hell dedicated entirely to them according to The Divine Comedy

113: Ebay:

Never tried it, but it has its uses.

112: Facebook:

Not worth my time.

111: Work:

All just to fuel my long term expensive hobby of making swords.

110: My Neighbors:

For most of them, completely indifferent. Theres a lady upstairs who is really nice.

109: Gas Prices:

Now i dont drive anymore, but theyre ridiculous...

108: Designer Clothes:

Completely unnecessary, and feeding the bougie capitalist machine, but I NEED THEM. I WANNA LOOK GOOD.

107: College:

Its hell, and im stuck there...

106: Sports:

SPORTS

SPORTBALL

105: My family:

At the end of the day they should be the people that you can fall back to no matter what.

104: The future:

Tired and jaded as to what it can bring. I survived 2016 so anything that is yet to come might as well happen.[ Last time I ]103: Hugged someone:

Its been a couple weeks....for someone who very much enjoys physical affection im actually pretty shy and touch starved....

102: Last time you ate:

Yesterday at about 4 ish...i should really eat something...

101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile:

Yesterday actually! I dont get to see my old highschool friends too often, so im glad i went to see one yesterday

100: Cried in front of someone:

Oh fuck its been a while...came close last night, but not quite.

99: Went to a movie theater:

Probably to go see Rogue One....I enjoyed it at the time, but its a bad Star Wars movie. I cant remember a single thing about it.

98: Took a vacation:

OH FUCK ITS BEEN A WHILE I DONT EVEN REMEMBER

97: Swam in a pool:

Years at the very least...

96: Changed a diaper:

Never...I was an only child growing up, and i never babysat

95: Got my nails done:

Ehhhh like a year or so?

94: Went to a wedding:

A couple months ago! Thats probably the last time i cried in front of someone actually!

93: Broke a bone:

Never broken a bone before, and im not about to start

92: Got a peircing:

You could not pay me enough money to have someone jab needles through my flesh

91: Broke the law:

I pirate frequently so like maybe a day or two

90: Texted:

While i was writing this[ MISC ]89: Who makes you laugh the most:

Oh prolly @vocoterra

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is:

The comfort of being at home...i like going out, but nothing else feels like home

87: The last movie I saw:

Pass Thru by Neil Breen...i was stoned out of my gourd when i saw it, so i knew it was either gonna make perfect sense or none at all, but what i didnt expect was for it to do both at the same time

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most:

Im going to see Nightwish in a couple weeks so thatll be really fun!

85: The thing im not looking forward to:

Midterms are still going on...

84: People call me:

By my name usually

83: The most difficult thing to do is:

Pee with a boner. Prove me wrong. Ill wait.

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket:

Not a speeding ticket, but i did get a ticket for going too fast passing a fresh accident

81: My zodiac sign is:

Cancer

80: The first person i talked to today was:

In person? My landlords wife came by for a viewing, but i talked to the nice lady living upstairs over snapchat first

79: First time you had a crush:

The first one that comes to mind was a girl i was in daycare with growing up named Tori. I dont really remember what happened to her, but i guess she moved away.

78: The one person who i can’t hide things from:

Thats the thing. I can hide things from everyone. Most of the time i dont because im bad at lying, but there are a lot of things i will take to my grave. Most of them dont even involve me directly.

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking:

Last night when the upstairs neighbor came down to talk. Its kind of odd how on-the-same-page we were about a lot of the things we talked about

76: Right now I am talking to:

Neighbor lady. She has a date today and shes pretty nervous and wants someone to talk it out with.

75: What are you going to do when you grow up:

Hopefully be less of a mess of hot garbage, but ill settle for freelance software developer and occasional swordsmith

74: I have/will get a job:

Ive found work pretty reliably through temp agencies. Theres never a shortage of manual labour that needs to be done.

73: Tomorrow:

Is saturday. Whats the question?

72: Today:

Is friday. I have a game to go to in about 30 mins.

71: Next Summer:

Ill hopefully be doing an IT internship if my parents can pull some strings at their work. Ill see what happens.

70: Next Weekend:

Nothing major going on i think...

69: I have these pets:

@vocoterra

68: The worst sound in the world:

@vocoterra

67: The person that makes me cry the most is:

Ehh im pretty emotionally calloused by this point...i think itll take a lot to make me cry

66: People that make you happy:

Friends from highschool. @vocoterra. Some of my newer college friends. Definitely my parents.

65: Last time I cried:

Wasnt this asked already? Pretty sure it was a wedding.

64: My friends are:

Gay dumbasses

63: My computer is:

RIPPED AS HELL AND CUSTOM BUILT

62: My School:

Its kinda shitty

61: My Car:

Nonexistent

60: I lose all respect for people who:

Commit sexual assault.

59: The movie I cried at was:

Bridge to Terabithia....dont lie you did too

58: Your hair color is:

Light brown/dirty blonde ish?

57: TV shows you watch:

The Netflix Marvel TV series’

I was a particular fan of Luke Cage

56: Favorite web site:

9 times outta 10 itll be youtube. Theres just everything to watch there.

55: Your dream vacation:

Scotland highlands, rural Japan, or urban Poland

54: The worst pain I was ever in was:

Depression

53: How do you like your steak cooked:

Medium rare like god intended

52: My room is:

Reasonably tidy i think...got a few things lying around that i should pick up

51: My favorite celebrity is:

Taliesin Jaffe. I hold an immense respect for him.

50: Where would you like to be:

Anywhere where im not writing this honestly....

49: Do you want children:

Yes, but i will never father my own. There are too many genetic fuck ups for me to want to pass this on.

48: Ever been in love:

No. Thought i was a couple times, but its supposed to be reciprocated. It never was, therefore I never have been.

47: Who’s your best friend:

I tagged him like 4 times in this post already it should be obvious

46: More guy friends or girl friends:

Pretty even split i think

45: One thing that makes you feel great is:

Coming back after home after the gym. Just the relaxation of it is unforgettable.

44: One person that you wish you could see right now:

No one in particular at this moment. Im heading out to see friends in a few minutes so im enjoying alone time

43: Do you have a 5 year plan:

Farthest i really go is about 2

42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die:

Nope. If i start, it wont end. Theres too much that the world has to offer, so ill just find what i like as i go.

41: Have you pre-named your children:

I did. Thats never happening though.

40: Last person I got mad at:

Last night i remembered some of the more racist shit that some of my friends can just get away with in that particular group and i genuinely fucking hate it.

39: I would like to move to:

Maybe somewhere in Germany. The only place i can think of in Canada would be Vancouver, but even then ehhh...

38: I wish I was a professional:

Ass Eater

[ My Favorites ]

ＬＩＧＨＴＮＩＮＧ ＲＯＵＮＤ

37: Candy: Coffee Crisp36: Vehicle: 1985 Pontiac Trans Am35: President: Obama34: State visited: Tennessee 33: Cellphone provider: Wind32: Athlete: Shiho Yoshimura31: Actor: Taliesin Jaffe30: Actress: Laura Bailey29: Singer: Rob Swire28: Band: Sabaton27: Clothing store: Mark’s Work Warehouse26: Grocery store: Food Basics25: TV show: JJBA24: Movie: The Boondock Saints or American history X23: Website: Youtube22: Animal: Potoo Bird21: Theme park: Canada’s Wonderland20: Holiday: SPOOKYWEEN19: Sport to watch: CSGO18: Sport to play: Sportball17: Magazine: I dont read maagazines...16: Book: 198415: Day of the week: Thursday14: Beach: Whichever is the closest one to where i live. Theyre all far away...13: Concert attended: Soon Nightwish! :D12: Thing to cook: SPAGEDDY11: Food: Sushi10: Restaurant: Pho Dau Bo9: Radio station: My phones music library8: Yankee candle scent: Anything lavender7: Perfume: I prefer cologne...6: Flower: Lavenders and Lilacs5: Color: Royal Blue4: Talk show host: Uhhh...3: Comedian: Bo Burnham2: Dog breed: Corgi or Samoyed1: Did you answer all these truthfully: Fuck yeah i did

[survivorathena-allstars]

Episode #9: “I Don't Want to Play Duck Duck Goose Anymore; It's Time to Play All Stars” ~ Emily

WE MADE MERGE BABY

I just PM'd everyone from the other tribe I am SO happy for merge.  This came at the perfect time! Now I just have to make sure I win immunity and hopefully get pulled into an alliance or something.  I don't even know who I want to WORK WITH!! But I'm glad that there is a possibility to get numbers. Seriously I don't think I've ever PM'd so many people at a merge before, I usually wait for people to come to me but NOT TODAY BUCKAROOS.  it's time to show that i can be a social queen and get myself out of some sticky situations that could be coming my way with the old ata la la la la de dah tribe.

Merge! Woo! We are going into this merge split 6-6 even for tribal lines on both original tribes and swap tribes, which is kind of incredible. I don't know who I want to trust. I just know that if ruthie was willing to vote Lily before, she'll do it again. And that's the tea.

i'm bad at naming things um I DON'T KNOW BUT I NEED TO BE QUIET I'M SPILLING WAY TOO MUCH TO THESE PEOPLE AT THIS MERGE PARTY. I'm about to let it slip to Will that my old tribe has an alliance 0:) 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE FUCKING MERGED!!!! LETS DO THIS YALL!!!! Okay, so here's the status of things. Obviously, I'm glad to be united with a few people again, but I'm already starting to form a potential boot order in my head. It clearly won't work this way for real, but there are a few people that I don't want to see getting much further. Ali is definitely one of them, for two main reasons. First of all, he's a challenge beast that is not at all to be doubted, and if he went on an immunity streak, it could throw not just a wrench, but an entire toolbox into the rest of my game. So he's got to go for that alone. But also, he's being so unreasonably bitter? Apparently, this doesn't apply to just him, but Emily and Owen both said that he was refusing to talk to them because of their challenge performance. Y'know, the challenge that was an entire day ago. You really would think they'd be a BIT less bitter at this point, but alas... apparently not. Dana and Will could be logical next boots after that, along with Ashvika. Not sure about that order, though. And... As much as I love Cameron, I don't know if I'd want to work with him. Every time I work with him, it never ends up going right, and he betrays me by relaying information to another alliance, never voting with me, or something of the sort. So he might be on that list earlier than my out-of-game self would want. Kevin could also be a boot opportunity early on, as his paranoia is so hard to deal with, and it makes him as unpredictable as going on Omegle's video mode. I don't know where I stand on Ruthie, though. It's hard to put an accurate gauge on where I want her in this game, as she could possibly be brought onto my side as an ally, but the Autumn vote may have ruined that. So I'll have to let that sit for a while. Ideal F3 (if it IS F3) is me, Emily (hehe), and Zach. Ideal F2 is me and Emily (duh <3). Ideal F1 is me.

I'm so sad about Jack going I'm like really sad. I miss him wtf I wouldn't have done him so dirty BRING BACK JACK 2K18

Merge time means tea time, which means everyone gets a little too comfortable and says things they shouldn't! I love how Ruthie is so willing to throw the other tribe under the bus and flip to our side, we LOVE a queen and we LOVE a Will warrior like her. Owen....idk what you were thinking siding with Emily and Lily when you had literally the perfect opportunity to take them out but ok work. Like I genuinely don't care if y'all felt bad for Lily feeling left out, that's the game we're playing. You need to check your feelings at the door or you will not win this game. As far as I'm concerned, Lily or Emily is next to go - whoever doesn't win immunity is gonna be gone. A good split vote will work there too just in case of an idol, but it's time to cut the threats loose and let the non-recruits take control. Sorry about it! ________________________________________________________________ And when I tell people it's gonna be a bloodbath, know that I'm not gonna be the one bleeding - I'll be the one left standing.

Okay merge time! Lots to confess on! Firstly, I am so ready for Sandra Diashvika Twine winning again, like wooOoOoOO! Otherwise, I am..... conflicted about who I wanna work with from atalaia. The majority on their tribe was Emily/Owen/Zach as a core group, with Lily and Kevin as 4th and 5th and Ruthie firmly in the minority. I definitely want to work with Ruthie, she clicks well into our group since she is a self proclaimed Will Warrior. The issue is however that I don't know if I can then work with Ruthie and then also Zach/Owen/Emily, because that leaves us with voting out Kevin which I don't think I necessarily want to do and Lily who I do want to go, but I don't know if Emily will. With that said, I think my goal boot order for the merge going forward would be: 12th = Lily 11th to 9th = Preferably maybe Zach > Emily > Owen as an order? That gives us a top 8 of the six from Loronha + Ruthie/Kevin. That might then (unfortunately) be the opportunity to turn on Cameron/Dana/Will as right now I feel like I'm probably number four in that alliance? I wanna really assess that because I do feel good about going really far with Dana,Cameron and Will provided I'm not just the clear cut 4th in that alliance. AHH, we will see eek. I think the four immediate targets should be Lily 1st, then Emily,Owen & Zach. The issue is however, is like a fool, Emily knows about my alliance, so if I do want to get her out, it needs to be a _major_ blindside, so if Lily wins immunity, maybe Emily needs to go? I love murdering my own children

merge!!!! thank god i was not going to survive another round in that tribe so i'm reunited with my favs Cameron and duncan. i just went on a call with dunc and received a PIPING cup of a tea from him: 1. first of all i spilled the beans to him on what happened at our tribe pretty much instantly. i also spilled the beans to will because keeping a secret to myself? not familiar with that concept #RatsOnly 2. apparently i played in lazio with duncan and he was bitter at me for 3 months??? skdkdkd 3. duncan and i want to be a #dynamicduo bc we think no one would expect it and since we haven't actually been on a tribe together we'll have different connections which will allow us to get more info and do stuff with that 4. duncan has a treehouse hideout thing which allows him to skip a tribal up until f10. also Cameron has an idol??? okay 5. some BITCHES on LORANHA apparently threw my name and lily's name out as easy merge boots. which is honestly realistic bc i haven't been in any alliance so i'm like the hali of this game but not as hot. but like...am i a threat??? neaux sir. i couldn't hear what duncan was saying but i think he said Cameron threw my name out???? not sure. whoever it is is a RAT. duncan suggested voting out ruthie instead which will like be chill i guess. anyways i need to try hard in immunity i guess 

Owen snatched immunity before I could even get started 

I'm a flop hi! I'm confessing I'm being a good castaway I promise! I did like twenty puzzles in total which took maybe a total of three hours... I fucking hate puzzles. But of course Owen won. He's here to PLAY. I'm just really concerned for Lily and I at this point. I KNOW that people are going to target us at some point because they've already started? I think people are just coming for my friends like Madison? Gone. Jack? Gone. Lily? Almost gone thank god we saved her in that tie revote. I dont understand??? Don't come for my boys tho. Protect Ali, Zach, and Duncan AT ALL COSTS!!! Also I have no clue why I have such a HARD ASS TIME trusting Owen? Like there's just.... I CAN'T TRUST HIM! He's proven to me time and time again that he's trustworthy but for some reason... HE'S NOT! I'm just happy to be back with Ali and Duncan though because like... I trust them a whole whole lot. A whole lot. And they have powers! Duncan has that hideaway he needs to use soon and he also has an idol. Ali has an idol. Also me thinking back to that idol that Ali and I didn't get after having to be quiet in the time chat for forever... I think Will has it. Sneaky sneaky snake that Will. I love him, but he's a SNAKE!!! OH speak of the devil he just messaged me fdjkfjaksdfa I LOVE WILL I PROMISE I just haven't gotten to be on a tribe with him yet and like I don't know where his head is at or his allegiances and stuff. Also Zach hasn't talked to me in a while and I DON'T WANT HIM TO ABANDON ME I love Zach!! And I literally wanna go to final three with him!!! Heck!! talk TO ME also I don't buy that not talking in the tribe chat is like ... only a disadvantage. I played this game before BUDDY!!! It got me nothing but I think it's gonna get him something so fajsdkfjasdkf UGH anyways I'm gonna go get Greek food this is the end of my confessional bye

Checking in as the worst player in all stars. I am mad at myself because I'm literally making all the same mistakes and am in this messy spiral that I can't get out of. Emily knows about my idol, which gets tricky for voting out her or Lily, Duncan knows *everything* including too much I said about Cameron, when I was still assessing whether to work with him and I've just boxed myself into a tricky spot. I'm literally making the same mistakes, like I'm just bad at this and it makes me so sad. I'm gonna get dragged to the end as a goat again and that makes me so sad, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I wanted to rewrite my Athena experience, but instead of playing a terrible game without realising like last time, I am playing an even worse game but this time i can tell and it makes me sad. I cant wait to be dragged to the end as a goat again, this is gonna like crush my self-esteem even further into the swamp ajlfkajldfk. god I hate myself, and these games makes it so much worse

Ladies... we merged! I am honestly so happy I made merge, and that's my first of three goals, the other two being jury and 100 days. I really like everyone on our tribe. Like there's people who I worked with and will continue to work with, such as Emily and Owen, then there are people who I haven't worked with, that i'm excited and hopeful to work with, such as Dana, Cameron and Will. Overall everyone's great! There's only a few people who'd I enjoy seeing leave. Kevin - we don't have a superior connection. Sure, he's friendly and nice, but compared to my other conversations it's just... dull. Sweet kid though. Lily - I like Lily and would love to work with her, but she's close with Emily, has many advantages and similarly to Kevin, we just don't connect. Duncan is fine too. I like him and would love to work with him, and Dana said there's beef between him and Will so keeping them both in the game keeps us under the radar. Ashvika's a queen, and I love her. Ruthie's sweet but also like kind of AFK. Ali? A legend. If I had to, right now, predict a final three, it'd be: Ali, Will, and either Ruthie/Dana. We'll see how wrong I am sometime!! WOOH!! Also i can't talk in chats right now i'm so sad.

I'm.... literally the worst player left I'm screeching. Everyone is talking strategy and like I'm very out of it, like its interesting seeing Zach say (admittedly it wasn't exactly shocking) that he is close with Emily and Owen, as well as Dana & Cameron. Like... that's a lot of people, when me/Zach/Emily were a three person alliance, like.... yikes. Anyways, I am trying to see where I stand rn. I think I am still number four in the Dana/Will/Cameron/I alliance, so I'm thinking if I can get down to the nitty gritty with Ashvika/Duncan like that's actually a solid workable opportunity. I think I'd like to go to F5 with Ashvika/Duncan/Kevin/Ruthie? I just like the sound of that, and then I can figure it out from there... We will see I think I really want Lily out this vote, and then just one of the extended numbers for my L.A.W.D alliance, just so they can't flip away from me. I just feel really uncertain right now, so I wanna start eliminating numbers that are gonna cause issues for me, and Lily is the prime target for that. I really feel like I'm the worst player in the game and wanna try and resolve that somehow, but like... you can't fix a player as terrible as me hsjkdfajsdfa ________________________________________________________________ Who is ready for ali the goat the sequel! I sure am ________________________________________________________________ me: cries about telling too many people about my idol me: tells two more people making the number of people that know now equal 6 but its fun, and the aim of these games is to have fun and leaving sad confessionals isn't good, so lets just have fun with it.

Honestly, please self-vote out of this game if you're "close with Emily." If i have to hear that phrase one more time I WILL choke. Stop playing this game like you're close with Emily because unless you're me NEWS FLASH LADIES you're close with Emily!!! Her name is literally starting to sound weird to me because I'm hearing it so much. Like am I jealous of her? YOU BET. How do I make my mist as strong as Emily. I am sick of pacifying miss Emily. Ok on another note, my main bff Ali Bee told me he HAS THE IDOL that I told everyone Lily has and honestly im wigged. I'm so happy he has the idol. Also Cameron told me that someone good had an idol the other day, and I confirmed tonigt that this person he told me about was Ali so yee we love tea! The other good thing about that all going down as it did, is that later down the line (assuming I don't get murdered) I can be like "Will Ali and Cameron are vv close, Cameron got idol tea before us!!!" and use that as leverage. Right now apparently all the names out there are Ali, Lily, Ruthie, and Kevin. Owen, I just don't trust, and I really tried to sell my loyalty to him on call and if Owen were 5% less smart he probably would have bought it. I delivered an outstanding an emotionally confusing performance tonight and she deserves recognition.  Also I would like to thank everyone for nominating me for the role of village idiot of the season. It means a lot to me accepting this award. I'd like to thank Cameron for helping me really sell it to the people that i'm an illiterate meme just looking 4 a home amongst all these intimidating players I can't keep up with. Like UTR whommmm. Me? It's unlikely but apparently also working. Like i don't want people thinking it's worth their time to vote miss me out of this game when all the scary smart people are around. Keep me around for jokes and fake drama pls.

this was like before immunity results were even posted ________________________________________________________________

Alright team, here's the deal: merge boot, it can either be simple or it can be a mess. And this time it's gonna be a grade A mess. We have 6 people from each of the swapped tribes, and 6 people from each of the starting tribes, which means there's a whole messy web of connections between everyone going every which way. I have my core four of me, Ali, Cameron, and Dana (which has an even stronger core of just me and Dana) and we have connections with Duncan and Ashvika (the Loronha squad/Charlotte's Angels), with Owen (from the Elaenia days), with Zach (our cracked king) and with Emily (because who the fuck isn't connected with Emily). The thing is, EmiLily NEEDS to get broken up and everyone knows it, but we have people literally saying they won't vote Emily out until F5 but....guess what? If we let her get that far, she's LITERALLY GOING TO WIN like are you KIDDING ME. So since nobody wants to vote out Emily right now, and we need to break up that duo, the obvious target is Lily. But again, people are SO worried about burning Emily as a potential ally that they won't vote Lily. Like honestly props to Emily for literally smothering everyone with her mist to the point where they won't even try to play the fucking game anymore. We can't just vote out the outsiders forever, like we're at a point where the only "easy vote" left is Kevin (sorry king) and, according to some people, Ruthie (love u queen) - but the thing is, why would you take out an easy vote NOW when you have a chance to take a shot at a big threat? And honestly, I don't even know if Lily is really a threat to win this game since she doesn't speak to anyone when it isn't right before tribal so like....I'm talking about taking a shot at Emily by taking out Lily. If you wanna overthrow the queen, you have to take down her loyal aide first. Dana, Cameron, Ali, and Ruthie are the only people that seem to have completely detached themselves from the idea that "we need to play with our friends and we need to go for the easy votes" because let's see... what happens at F10 when you've taken out Ruthie/Kevin and all your "friends" are left? It's Survivor, you have to burn someone at some point. If you don't burn someone else, you're the one getting burned. I think I can convince Owen that it's better for his game to burn just Emily than to burn all three of me, Cameron, and Dana but... I really don't know. I love Zach but if he's saying he won't vote out Emily until F5.... then do you really deserve to be playing this game? If the jury really does start tonight, I also need to start playing a selfish game and figure out how I can get these people that we're gonna be voting out to vote for me. I have a lot of plans and big ideas, but I don't know for sure if or how they're gonna work. Right now we need to get at least one or two people onboard with voting out Lily...like that is going to happen tonight I am going to make sure she goes home.

Tag yourself I’m me exposing my whole friend group as friends but not including myself as a part of it #wig I love strategy!!!!!! No I don’t I’m just stupid

Everyone's so fucking dumb they act as if there aren't only 12 people on this tribe (10 technically since Lily never speaks to anyone apparently and nobody knows who Kevin is) like you can't be like "omg I only heard it was Ruthie" and not expect that I already heard your plan to divert from Lily going home by throwing Ruthie's name out there like what the fuck lmao

Okay so yesterday the options for voting were like Ruthie Lily and Kevin. I did not want to vote any of these people because I wanted to work/reconnect with the first two and the third person is me. BUT it appears the options are Ruthie and me so...my hand's been forced. I wanted to try reconnecting with Ruthie after that last tribal but I guess not hm. If I survive this tribal it'll be the third tribal in a row I've received votes so that'll be cute! I don't know who the source of my name is, I don't know if I want to know but I'd appreciate the information so I don't go rattling all my secrets to my own killer!! Wish me luck!!! :,)

DUNCAN WHAT THE HECK WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT??? WHY ARE YOU THE ONE PUSHING ME, I DO NOT GET IT, WHY???

Everyone is being super shady rn I don’t understand who started with wanting ruthie out but I don’t trust lily and I’m working on flipping the vote that way. Also wHY is everyone so concerned about defying Emily?? People wouldn’t be down to vote Emily rn so it’s imperative we vote out lily bc they’re close 

If anything, the way people are acting about this vote is VERY telling about how they're playing this game and a lot of people? Aren't playing very good games. Shame, isn't it?

yeah so....this is a lot. a lot a lot. A LOT. First of all, when we merged let me just say I was so happy to be with that whole other tribe again. DUNCAN AND ASHVIKA and I? legends only. Ali? A king. BUT MY TRU BBYS DANA WILL AND Cameron??? A++++++++++++++++++++++ holy SHOOT. I love everyone in this game and it's so nice to be working with those people again. I had some explaining to do about the tied vote and the autumn vote....so that was fun. idk. the real fun started later. first of second of all, the fucking immunity challenge. ruthie and I were talking before it got posted and I was like hahaha I hope it's a puzzle!!!!! hahahaahahahahahahahaHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA man i rlly fucked up with that wish, huh? :') puzzles are my thing so when I saw it was puzzle comp I was like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! it was my time to shine. well.... :) hehe :) be careful what you wish for in the athena series, folks, bc this genie is a savage :') i came into the comp just wanting to be cute. i wanted a fun time and all I got? cramps. and FATIGUE. and torture. i was so paranoid ali or emily would stay up all night doing them but seems like  was the only one truly crazy enough to ignore the fact that I had school starting the next day fakjsfjk but oh well. a win is a win, and the further I went the more I told myself that if I didnt win all the work would be for nothing. SO I DID IT! second of second of all, boy has this tribe gone to shit. lets get all the he said she said out of the way first. so I went on call with Duncan, he said he didnt wanna do Kevin and didnt wanna piss emily off so he landed on ruthie. he wants ruthie gone I was like ok. then i got on the call with will and he and I talked about maybe doing the easier thing like ruthie or kevin. then I get on call with will dana Cameron and,....fajskhjfk Cameron doesnt wanna do kevin or ruthie bc that's too easy. Cameron wants lily out as a move first, and I was ok with that, so were dana and will. basically like...we don't have sny reason to vote zach or ali yet, they dont wanna do emily yet, and duncan/ashvika didnt really come up as targets which left kevin ruthie and lily, the usual suspects. but then I talked to zach and he said he'd much rather do kevin. ok wig. then I talked to emily today and she wants to do kevin too. but then apparently lily found out from DUNCAN her name coulda gone around. I talk to lily aqnd first lily wants to do ali???? ok mood. but then fkasdhfkjds she was like everyone is doin ruthie. SO NOW, lily, duncan, and presumably ashvika were gonna do ruthie, emily doin ???? maybe kevin maybe ruthie, and will dana Cameron zach ruthie myself doin lily, and idk what ali's doin he told me he's thinking about going vegetarian and that's the biggest move he's told me about so far this round so fkshdfj ok ali. but like......uhg idk. ashvika doesnt want ruthie out, but ashvika apparently knows ppl are voting lily? god. GOD. third of all! some of my actual thoughts about all of this huge ass info dump..... I really really still love Dana, Will, and Cameron, but looking down the line, I am worried they will all be closer to each other than to me. They spent a lot of time together on that other tribe, and of the four of us they might pin me as a threat and kick me out. Cameron and I called privately as well and I told Cameron some additional things and he said that the other two might be a little sketched out by me rn but that if I vote with them it'll be fine. I also still....really love Will bye :'( what a king. I have talked to him a lot one on one about everything going on, and I just hope he trusts me too. It's just that of the four of us, I have a lot of the connections like outside ofour alliance (emily and lily, zach, duncan/ashvika, etc) which is GOOD FOR ME but also....playing both sides is not gonna be fun when sides come, and also I don't want them to freak out about my loyalty. I also still REALLY want to work with Zach and he might even be one of my closest allies rn as well. I don't want to be on a separate page from him. he's good. and he still really wants to work with emily too. NOW. I messaged Ali a lot about how like he might be seen as a threat down the line and that I might start to be one too and that we should have each other's backs and he agreed. He claims he doesn't think of himself as a threat and also like every time he speaks it's something about how he thinks his game is awful.... fskjdf i wish he would spend more time talking to me about his thoughts this time around and not his thoughts about how he played in emathia but! that's ok. Cameron also apparently has some tea on him....? That he didnt want to tell me.... Could Ali have an idol idk. Also it's really clear that Ali and Cameron are VERY close after that swap. But I like them both and want to move forward with both of them. I also called Emily one on one and told her the same thing - we're both gonna be threats soon, and we need each other. And I think that's true. So when I look ahead, it doesn't make sense for me to get Lily out at this vote. There's going to come a time when everyone who loves each other is gonna blow tf up and start targeting the threats. Which is why I'm trying to build mini-groups outside of my core alliance. My group with Duncan and Ashvika is good. But my group with Lily and Emily is another one. If Kevin left, then I would literally be good with so many people and they'd all be hopefully targeting each other. Emily and Lily are targets over me, Will wants Duncan out pretty bad and Duncan wants Will.... idk where Zach and Dana fit in but I love them and I don't think Zach would turn on me yet. But the closer it gets to voting, the more Will wants to do Lily, and I'm really at a crossroads here bc I don't want to make Emily mad or anything... Basically my main alliance wants Lily gone bad, which isn't necessarily bad for me but it's not best. And the people outside that alliance are split between Ruthie and Kevin and idk. If I really want to come out and say it, I could try to get dana Cameron and will to vote kevin. but they're just gonna think it's bc I wanna work with lily which is....not necessarily wrong. idk there's just a wheel that keeps spinning and I don't know when or where it's gonna stop. right now I'm thinking Lily. but how do I move forward from that? how am I going to get to the end of this game? I don't think I can unless I get to a point where I can win out. idk yall im still a mess rn but isn't that what we were all expecting dflfdk at least it wont be me. ________________________________________________________________ in other news will and I will be going as wario and waluigi for halloween so watch out

it's over luigi i'm going home tonight duncan was like "well most people have said ruthie" and that's like cool or whatever but then i'm like "well who said my name" bc i don't wanna like talk to the wrong ppl and then duncan has gone SILENT sjsjs if i survive it'll be a miracle sent from god our father

Wowowowow this is a mess. Here's how i presume the vote going down tonight. 

We (oh good l.a.w.d) are trying to save ruthie and kill lily. We have us 4 plus ashvika and ruthie, which is 6. I believe owen, zach, emily, and lily will likely vote kevin. Thats 4. I think kevin and duncan will probably vote ruthie. Thats 2. Lily goes, barring further complications. Bless up. 

I love starting the plan to get lily out and securing votes and then having someone else come tell me that we’re voting lily tonight! 

90% of the time I have no idea what the fuck this tribe is talking about. Okay, so, picture this. It's around 6:30, I've been talking with Cameron and a few others, and what I hear is that the vote is for Ruthie. I think this is alright, and I set my phone down, diverting my attention towards the delicious tacos I prepared for myself. At 6:55-ish, I get back on Skype, and now Cameron is telling me that everyone is voting for Kevin! I don't know about y'all, but it seems a BIT suspicious that the vote would change like that in less than a half an hour with no explanation to it at all! It just feels like this is some elaborate ploy, so that people can get me distracted with these two options and just blindside me. I thought this would be unanimous, but Perhaps The Fuck Not, My Good Sirs

this is how i'm looking at everyone in this tribe rn I trust NO ONE. Cameron told me "oh yeah the majority's voting ruthie" and so did duncan and then i talk to some people to whom i say "you know i'm voting ruthie probably" and then they're like "oh okay cool haha you do you!" which is the most blatantly transparently WISHY WASHY response you could give like they'll say "well who knows what could happen" like you might as well stab me because that'd be more enjoyable than this!!! and then i talk to lily later and lily's REAL with me and she says the majority WAS to Ruthie but now it seems like everyone's voting me?? and then i talk to emily and she's like "oh the majority's voting ruthie" and i'm like WHAT RHE FUCK IS FOING ON. Cameron says he has no idea what's going on. tonight's mood is paranoia, betrayal, and utter confusion to sum up my mental state in one word...fuck 

This is going to be a fun one 

This is a letter put in a time capsule for Dana, Will & Cameron. I just want to confess about how much I love you three. Dana, you always describe yourself as upsetting, but in reality I think you are one of the funniest and most genuine people in this community. Your pep talk you gave me on call was so nice, and its been a pleasure to actually work with you this time alkjdfa. Will, you are TOO HARD ON YOURSELF. You put so much energy in helping me build myself up, but remain too critical of yourself. You don't realise how popular you actually are and how much time people have for you. Cameron, m'fave. I love you so much, you and Captain are the most iconic duo (I'm done waiting) and I think you are the best. anywho, soppyness over. I felt they deserved that because on call yesterday they were so nice to me and I wanted to return the favour. ________________________________________________________________ OKAY SO THIS VOTE. I.... highkey have wanted Lily to be merge boot since we merged, so this is going a way I support. Also, I am forever an Ashvika warrior, we have decided to stan forever. Right now, Me/Ashvika/Dana/Will/Cameron/Ruthie are all voting Ruthie, which is 6/12. It looks like the other 6 aren't gonna be united or one of the 6 is gonna vote with us, so it looks like Lily is going. Unfortunately, that requires upsetting Emily, so I'm trying to very delicately clue her in that Lily is in jeopardy. Its not even that I wanna lie to her, Im more just concerned about upsetting her. Its a mess! whewie whewie whew. owenlol fkasdjhfkjsdhfkjs so now like I'm confident Lily is going, Ali, Ashvika, and now Ruthie are all voting her even though Zach isn't, but it now comes down to whether or not I tell Emily and idk. I just wish Kevin could gtfo because he's not a number for me. I'm hating my life rn fskjfhjds but ! oh well! maybe I'll just vote kevin and deal with it later.

whatever it isn't the end of the world I don't think....but damn if Lily has an idol now would be the time to play it huh

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people are voting for lily apparently or something i'm too young to think this much idk

There's nothing better than playing the absolute DUMBEST when shit hits the fan, thank you Queen Dana for telling Emily it was gonna be Lily, because now Emily thinks I'm just as confused as she is. We love a good ruse.

EMILY WHY. I tried to like subtly clue you in (as did Dana) and you just sent everyone's pms everywhere askjdfafaf I love you so much but Lily is a sinking ship and you are drowning with her

But for real, Dana leaking like that accidentally and creating the last minute chaos is really an Ashley's Idol 2.0 because I may be able to lie my way through this and hold onto Emily's trust at least for one round...or so...Who knows!

I recorded both of these before the vote and I just uploaded them

I recorded another one of me going crazy but honestly it's not cute and y'all would fear for my sanity so i'm not uploading it

Lily becomes the 9th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 8-3-1 votes. You can see Lily’s preseason interview here.

After being voted out and placed on the jury, Lily decided to walk from jury. Charlotte, being the more recently voted out player, became the first member of the jury.

[veryfineday]

Wednesday 3 October 1832

6 50/..

12 5/..

L  L  L  L

fine morning Fahrenheit 64 1/2º. at 7 

lay awake an hour and a half thinking of Miss Walker  I really do get more and more in love with her  not perhaps a little heightened by the having to wait her answer for the next six months  she has really behaved very judiciously  for I believe she likes me –

at 7 1/2 went up to my father in his room and gave him his medicine - breakfasted with him at 8 20/.. having just sent off John to Lidgate with a brace of IN-’s[Isabella Norcliffe’s] partridges for miss WalKer - a little while with my aunt in her room and out at 9 1/2 - in the walK - nobody but DicK worKing for me by the day - doing the bits of walling to Keep up the staKing up of walK –

John brought me Letter 3 pp.[pages] and ends and 1/2 the first page crossed from M-[Mariana] (Leamington where they arrived on Friday) to be at home (Lawton) on Saturday - all thought of crossing the water given up a few hours after she last wrote - Had seen miss Smith - an inch or 2 less than Cameron, aetatis 23, looks 17 - seems to be a flippant sort of girl, tho’ she really spoke well - not at all liKely to suit me - mr. L-[Lawton] has had a severe attacK of English Cholera but his health and spirits the better for it - M-[Mariana] pretty well - Little mariana settled at miss Smith’s school at Leamington with which M-[Mariana] much satisfied –

home at 11 1/4 and gave my father his medicine - he gave me Letter from miss Bolland for her quarter’s payment directed to him for fear I should not be at home - 2 brace of pheasants 2 ditto partridges and a hare from mr. and mrs. Edwards of market Weighton – wrote direction papers ‘with mr. Lister's compliments’ abd John tooK to mrs. Rawson of stony royde, miss Walker of Cliff hill, mr. ParKer, and mr. and mrs. Sunderland, each a pheasant - to mrs. Veitch and mrs. Catherine Rawson each a brace of partridges, and to mr. and mrs. William Priestley of Lightcliffe a hare –

from 12 to 3 1/2 wrote 3 pp.[pages] and ends and 1st page crossed to IN-[Isabella Norcliffe] and 3 pp.[pages] and ends and 1st page crossed to M-[Mariana]  1 page to IN-Isabella Norcliffe to persuade her that we ought to congratulate or condole with other people according to their feelings not our own - be pleased (us for as satisfies the demands of Kindness and propriety without compromising our opinion, or sincerity) because they are pleased or grieved because they are so - thus I have congratulated mrs. N-[Norcliffe] on Esther’s match ‘because I have reason to believe she is not displeased and that the match will be a comfort to her', and thus I would not have IN-[Isabella Norcliffe] in ‘mauvaise odeur’ at Croft for not congratulating - ‘I cannot bear the thought of anything going wrong with you at Croft’ she may say quite enough to Keep all straight - beg her to read Charlotte all this prosing - ‘I count upon her thinKing me right’ - all the rest Chit Chat - ‘If Esther is happy, all her friends must rejoice at her being so - So long as her parents are satisfied, her not having chosen exactly according to your taste or mine, is in no respect reprehensible’ –

asK for Cutting of double yellow rose - mention my inquiry about Eugénie and my thought of writing to asK Scott if he thinks Joseph Booth at all liKely to do for me, but not to name it to the boy - but say I an quite undetermined - glad their Journey answered so well and that my calculation of expense was so fairly made - all agog to go over their ground –

thanKed M-[Mariana] for the trouble she had taKen for me - if nothing else against her miss Smith too little - ‘but the grin and giggle would be terrible’ - shall thinK no more of her - mentioned the substance of my letter to mademoiselle Pierre - ‘you will conclude that I was well enough pleased with the letter you enclosed me, and that I am resigned to the necessity of my fate, if it must be such as you point out - ‘and after a few years, if you settle in England taKe a steady respectable woman whom you can depend upon to looK after your other servants’ you have strengthened my conviction, as you have done your own, that ‘all things worK together for good’; and I am determined, liKe you, to make the best of everything’ - my plans to get off in January must depend on my aunt’s being better - far from well lately but better this last day or 2 - mr. Briggs died about a fortnight ago - almost determined to take Washington - if not off in January could contrive about Eugénie –

Glad she is so satisfied with miss Smith’s school at Leamington at which she has placed little mariana, but not to thinK she cannot afford to put to miss Connells in Regents parK London where they have just placed Eliza Lawton - ‘for I would advice you all, or any part of the balance in your favour, at any time’ - thanKs for the seeds she has ordered me and the 6 Judas trees ordered at 1/6 each –

her sister Ann seems sorry Cameron left me - ‘Perhaps she does not Know how unhappy the poor girl was - Surely Eugénie ‘will understand me better - Somehow or other, I never dreampt of anybody’s being unhappy with me - How little we Know ourselves! you did me a lasting service by telling me - Everybody will gain by it - All I dread is changing; and the prospect of this is the worst of Eugénie - but she may lead me by the nose - she may stay, and save me the trouble of hunting hereafter for the steady respectable woman you talK of’ - cannot profit now by the opinion respecting maids of miss Hobart that was - ‘In consequence of his majesty’s most gracious order they all take ranK as if their father had lived to get the Earldom, and she is now Lady Vere Cameron - they must be at Turin by this time - God bless you, my dearest mary! - Ever very especially and entirely yours AL-’

went down and gave my father his medicine at 4 25/.. and had written so far of today at 4 40/.. - then some time with my aunt - out at 5 25/.. - walKed 3 times from the upper garden gate to the end of my walK and bacK i.e.3 miles, and did something more in sauntering up and down a little the last time  home at 6 3/4 - found the sexton of the old church waiting for me about the pew mrs. WalKer had at the old church - said mr. Haigh (son to mr. george H-[Haigh] of the mount) might have it at the same rent mrs. WalKer paid - should have the Key before Sunday - might new line it if he pleased, but I should expect the rent –

Dinner at 7 - afterwards read over yesterday’s paper - then at 8 1/4 went into the little room for 1/2 hour - came away for a little while and then returned - the plasterer while washing my room (the blue room) all today - wrote my letters in the Kitchen Chamber - came upstairs at 10 5/.. - fine day - very fine evening - very high wind towards night at 9 and afterwards Fahrenheit 65º. at 10 50/.. - sent off by John after dinner my letter to M-[Mariana] Lawton hall, Lawton Cheshire and my letter to IN-[Isabella Norcliffe] Langton hall malton -