#but god if i don't want to solve all my problems by killing myself right now

[sunwukxng]

You ever wake up after having a devastating demoralizing dream about your desirability and distinct lack of it, realize that you are objectively morally a disgusting and bad person who deserves nothing but unspeakably bad things to happen to them, as well as remember you've been out of your antidepressant for days now because your insurance company denied covering it, just like you're out of food and drinks and energy and willpower and a desire to live, while also knowing that you have a work deadline in three days with 200+ pages to go and a complete lack of ability to focus on it despite you very fucking best effort for several fucking days, and that's not even to mention you're still physically sick as a dog on death's door and coughing/sneezing/dripping your lungs out through your nose and your bone-deep lethargy and fatigue is worse than usual because of your currently compromised immune system?

Literally just woke up and not only feeling disgusting and undesirable, but like I've got no options and nowhere to turn to and that I'd be better off dead and with a deep, intense desire to do the deed and kill myself to end my suffering and gain some permanent peace at long last.

I'm (most likely) not gonna kill myself, since if my brain wants to kill me it has to shut my organs down one by one like a real disease, but damn if I don't want to make an exception and just do it myself to get it over with.

Eventually, perhaps, I will manage to stop laying here and get out of bed and probably brush my teeth and hopefully take a shower in silence as opposed to my usual routine of playing my songs and butchering songs in the shower to pump me up.

I do not like myself, my life, my circumstances, my health, or anything right now. I do not want to be alive. I do not want to be here. I do not want to be.

But, despite lacking a clear coherent reason and unable to come up with even a single one or manage to justify why...I will continue to be.

Today, even moreso than most days, is going to suck. Please take it easy on me. I don't have the strength nor desire to be resilient today.

Not today.

[gemmahale]

So I've temporarily paused my queue. It's just me, shouting into the void again. (The queue will maybe come back - there's some 800 some odd posts in there.) Just as an FYI.

I've been stuck in my head since...my work trip last weekend? Which, tbf, 12 hours of windshield time and a day of interacting with people is a fair bit.

(I'm cutting this because y'all don't need my yapping, but I need it off my chest. Go get some water or a beverage of choice instead.)

TW: mental health discussion. I am safe, I am not going to do anything brash.

But Monday I came back to an email from my boss - apparently two clients had stopped in to speak with him because I hadn't answered their calls (all are within the last two-ish weeks, maybe more?).

A huge part of my job is that timely client call-back. And one place that I consistently struggle in. We've had this discussion going on for 6+ mo now on how critical this call-back part is. The whole thing of what we do is timely, scientifically backed information.

I'm shit at calling back. I hate doing it. I hate troubleshooting people's plant problems. It just seems so...inconsequential. People are stressing about a dead spot in their yard (that's probably over watered and over fertilized and a sterile environment) and it's just...get some perspective, y'know?

I don't know. I love this job. I love the impact I could have. Get me talking about how people deserve healthy ecosystems and food access and such and I'm going a mile a minute.

But I'm paralyzed when it comes to solving these stupid "inconsequential" problems.

I have a newsletter I've been talking about sending out since FEBURARY. It's now AUGUST. It's unsent. I just hit a wall every time I sit down to set it up.

Same thing with the volunteer program I manage. The workshops I'm working on. All of it. Wall against wall against wall and I'm scrolling tumblr for the 43rd time that day.

And I don't know what to do. I'm scared. That's what it is. I'm Scared I'll give bad information and something will get killed and it'll be my fault.

(yes that's capital S scared.)

I don't know what I'm going to say tomorrow in our meeting. I know I'm on thin ice. I'm going into my 3rd year of this. I shouldn't be struggling like this. My RSD is so fuckin' bad that it's locking me up and shutting me down.

Part of me wants to be fired. Just "this isn't a good fit" and out the door. Proof that I'm not cut out for this job. Because all I have succeeded in doing is failing my colleagues, my peers and the clientele that I interact with.

I'm self-sabotaging myself and I don't know how to not to.

I love the opportunities this job has. But I'm terrified of failure to the point of breakdown. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that, right?

It's imposter syndrome, self-sabotage, other terms I've forgotten. having a name for it doesn't help any - just reinforces that I'm doing it to myself. And that's what hurts the most.

I haven't told anyone I'm struggling. It's hard to reach out. Kallen's been dealing with nightmares and job bullshit and high pain days (and his listening is problem solving/therapist-ing, which isn't what I want or need). My friends are all bogged down with their lives - unemployment, moving, divorces, childcare, and I'm not going to burden them with this gunk.

The irony to this is that I just told a friend to lean on me - because that's what friends do when they're in tight spots. Lean on each other, support each other.

But really it just means: Justify that I'm worth being here/being friends with me by making me useful to you.

God I wish I didn't have all this brain goop. I wish I could just scoop it out and poke at it under a microscope and dissect what happened to make me like this.

Gemma find a therapist. <- Whole different conversation. There's a dearth of mental health providers out here. I quit looking in 2021 when I called 5 places and they all said they were not taking on more clients and the one I tried we didn't vibe with each other. Fuck being a (mostly closeted) queer woman in small-town America.

[doug-meat]

parts of the npmd soundtrack that scratch my brain perfectly (act one)

this soundtrack is so good. this is a long post so its all under the cut Part two coming soon. also i alternate between chara names and actor names idk why i do that. i hope this is even slightly comprehensible

HIGH SCHOOL IS KILLING ME

the little grace note in the piano bit in the last line of the piano melody before richie starts singing in (i hope this makes Sense)

jon's voice for real . just through this whole show

"a thread" and "i'm scared" happening at the same time

the violins(??) coming in when ruth starts singing

richie and ruth's harmonies during "the weight has got me sweating" bit

the "and i can survive it for only so long" harmonies

steph's "shit"

the way steph says "couldn't fuckin' study"

FOR THE CLASS OF TWENTY TWENTY WURN

agh Agh AGH!

the whispered "i'm so fuckin' dead"s underneath steph and pete's dialogue

steph and pete's repeated "my melody"s

the howling

the second delayed vocal line underneath the last bit of the last chorus

LITERAL MONSTER

the "HUH" at the start

the guitar riff motif

the little guitar squeal right before pete starts singing

the way pete says locker

richie's little riff on "seduce her"

the chorus harmonies

everyone knows how he BANGS!

the "and we pray and we pray harmonies"

you better you better!

kims voice in the he roars part <3

the harmonies in this song in general

will branners voice in this song SO GOOD

the "HUH HUH"s behind max's i roar bit

max's "don't need no one to tell me" verse UGH so good

NO ONE'S GONNA STOP ME!

max's harmonies on kind, size and rise

I WILL CLAIM WHAT IS MINE!

COOL AS I THINK I AM

the piano motif Can you tell i love motifs

i bet this song'll suck!

oo woah oo woah oh Oh

when the violins come in especially their little BA DA DUMS after "princess leia told me"

what if i were King of the hill!

the drums kicking in after the one oowoahoowoahoh oh

ensemble coming in

the little growl on the second "i'm as cool as she thinks i am"

THEN AGAIN I'M DERANGED

she's the brawn i'm the brains!

the electric guitar kicking in

IF I CAN FINALLY BE COOL I WILL KNOW THAT I'M NOT A LOSER

I'M THE RULER!!!!!!

DIRTY GIRL

the synth and drums

the way max says behave and be-betray me

baaaabe I'mma love ya all night lOOOooooong

THE LIKE MORE SYNTH KICKING IN HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST CHORUS UGH SO GOOD

the way grace says classroom

you want me cant be skipping skewl!

grace's "be-behayveee" UGH <3

THE GROWL ON "on your knees pray along"

the chorus harmonies <3

I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU!

the bridge harmonies

AA AAAGH!!

i'm a i'm a i'm a good girl!

WHO ON OCCASION GETS DIRTY!!!!

I WONT CAAARE ABOUT YOU!

BULLY THE BULLY

the snaps coming in

we'll make him shit his pants!

the riff on that line ^^

the jager-man??????

what's our budget?

the growl on "he's just a nerd in disguise"

stephie gonna lure him in with her charm

yeah?

JAGER GONNA JAGER OUT!

chorus harmonies!

standing for the nerdy the prudy!

WE'RE GONNA CUT OFF HIS NIPS!

AAAAHAaaAaaahh

the guitar bits in the back

we're gonna keep the beans cool! that whole sequence

BEAN SCHOOL? EXCELLENT!

THESE CHORUS HARMONIES ESP STEPHS

pete's and our problem's solved

richie's and the school can evolve

AND THE SCHOOL CAAAAN EVOLVE!!!

ugh jon and joey sound so good on the "we're gonna get the jock pleading"

the last guitar note

BURY THE BULLY

oh god she's snapping again...

this is a lot!!!

the whole hack all his limbs off bit

YOU WANT ME TO FILM THIS?

tape him up after dousing with bleach!

the chorus harmonies. every bit of these choruses i cant even isolate its everything

steph's little "bury bully line up stories NEVER HAUNT ME!"

i just cut off his nips

GRACE TELLING RUTH TO GIVE HER MAX'S NIPS

GO GO NIGHTHAWKS

the way ruth says shiny

IT'S LIKE THE START OF A NEW YEAR!

jon's higher range <3

jon's harmony on "and now i don't eat all by myself"

the trumpets behind the chorus

all the squawks

the HUH after who knew footballs a team game

corey's voice sounds so good on the "or hit u with a saturated towel"

the no more bully ball harmonies

the HUH! after no more bully ball

We're all givin the butt slaps YEAH HEAH!

the way jason sings cause we care <3

AND NOW I CAN PEE ALL BY MYSELF!!!!

the overlapping vocals coming together for "in hatchetfield high school"

N! I! G! H! T! AWK AWK! KSSSS!

NIGHT! HAWKS! NIGHT! HAWKS! NIGHT! HAWKS! FLY!

FUCK YOU CLIVESDALE GO GET FUCKED YOURE FUCKIN LOSERS AND WE'LL KILL YOU (KILL YOUR ASS)

fuuuuck you cliiivesdale gooo get fuuucked

the watch us fly harmonies

NIGHT! HAWKS! FLY! AWK AWK!

NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE (my fave song in the soundtrack be warned)

the "watch these nerds run for their lives" guitar riff before max sings

will branners voice augh

the little synthy ba duh duh duhs in the back

the BAMS! after every line in verses

the way max says "hallway safe" and "break you"

ugh the guitar kicking in and the double BUM BUM for the second verse

YA BITCH!

WOAH UH OAHHH

SHOULDA JOINED THE SMOKE CLUB YA NERDY PRUDE

the whole chorus

the watch those nerds run for their lives melody Ugh loved it in axe man loved it here

YOU PUSHED ME OFF THE EEEDGE

the way he says crusade

and youre too weak to be enSLAAAAVED

the drums AUAUDUAAUAU

CLEANSING OF YOUR KIND!!!!

the way he says anti socialites

the entire repeat after me bit. its actually incredible i cant just isolate one part of it its so good

the ensemble kicking in

IIIIM NOT A LOOOSERRRR

But you have lost. Everything.

THE HATCHET TOWN MOTIF

UGH I LOVE THIS SONG. THE NMT MOTIF

[possiblyunhinged]

So, if I’ve not made it clear enough on the website – I’m a mess. I felt desperately sad seeing the news about Liam Payne this morning. It’s not because I grew up with One Direction and had an image of the man. I was too uptight and pretentious to allow myself to listen to them when they came around. Instead, the amount of content I’ve seen from people celebrating his death because of how he treated others slammed a trigger in my head that has been screaming at me ever since. All I can think about is a child I don't know who has to live in a world where many people are celebrating his Dad's death.

It’s a collective mental illness to oversimplify everything and use it to project our dissatisfaction with our own experiences in life. I’m as guilty of it as apparently the whole of Twitter. I’m a wounded person who would do anything to feel, well, less wounded. Unfortunately, that can manifest as being a hateful little roach. I desperately want to live in a world where women aren’t subject to abuse from men in such high numbers, and oftentimes, I am so reactive to the topic that the idea of humanizing abusers seems repulsive to me because it’s often used to justify the suffering of victims and keep them quiet.

Many times, I don't want to humanize abusers because it feels like the very reason justice is seldom acquired for victims. However, without doing so, we don't solve any problems.

I lost my dad when I was 19—a man I should’ve hated but never did. A man whose death was nothing more than a flippant gotcha moment to many, whilst it was the most painful moment of my life.

At 28, 9 years after my dad passed away, I feel desperately sad for a child who is going to grow up in a world where, hours after his dad passed away, the world is arguing whether it’s a ‘good’ thing he is dead, whether that is what his dad deserved. On top of that, a world where it took hours for videos and photographs of his dad to end on the internet.

My Dad, who I mourn to this day, was an abuser. I witnessed him be abusive to my Mum up until I was ten years old. I hated myself when he left because I missed him. How could I miss a person who hurt my Mum to the point I had to leave notes under her pillow because I was scared that she would kill herself? What kind of person did that make me? It’s supposed to be a good thing that he left, the sign of the end of a life of having to hold your breath – but it wasn’t.

Out of acknowledgment that I’m projecting my nonsense onto somebody else’s suffering, had my dad been a public figure who had been ‘called out’ online by somebody, his death would’ve also been celebrated.

My cousin responded to finding out my dad had died of cancer as ‘good, serves him right’. My Dad inflicted suffering on my Mum, Brother, and me that fundamentally affects how we engage with the world now. I don’t trust men. I don’t think I ever will. I shudder when they put their arm around me, and I have been in a state of hypervigilance most of my life because of what he has done.

Yet my dad is still the most significant loss of my life.

I love my dad to this day, and I miss him so much it makes my tummy ache – go figure. He put the fear of God into me throughout my life, but he was also a man who would hold my hand on the way to school. The sound of him belly-laughing to Phoenix Nights in the living room would lull me to sleep most nights. He’s the man who would put me on his shoulders, and I’d see the world from the dazzling heights of six-foot-five. He’s the man who’d brush my hair every day, pathetically so out of fear of causing me pain (ironic, I know). He was a man who would eat whatever monasteries I’d bake him and pretend he’d like it as my Mum would laugh her arse off behind me. He’s the man I’d look across the table to at family gatherings and feel less alone, less like an alien – because he was often the only place I felt a sense of belonging—a place I never found elsewhere.

My dad was also the man who'd cry when he thought I wouldn't notice when we were watching TV, and all I could do was rest my head on his tummy in the hope that he knew that I loved him.

He was a bad person who spun his own childhood trauma into somebody else’s. And I wish I had lived in a world that helped people like my dad before they became the villains in somebody else’s stories, so he could’ve just been the dad I loved so much without an Asterix in sight.

By many on the internet’s standard, people like my dad dying is something to be celebrated. This is a lazy approach to such complex problems. If the dream is to live in a world where hurt people don’t end up hurting others, then it’s not going to solve itself in this one—one so void of compassion.

I feel very me me me posting this, but honestly, I wish some people would remove their heads from their arse on the internet. We are seldom more civilized than the crowds of people who'd gathered in the past to watch public executions; we relish in others' suffering if we can frame it as being just. And then, when it's too late, people backtrack on their cruelty and reflect briefly before moving on to the next.

It's tiring to see this process being framed as virtuous. There is nothing virtuous about it.

[hundredsspoons]

Elden Ring dlc spoilers under the cut

I was anticipating that Miquella would be a morally grey character since he was described as having god-like charm that people couldn't resist, but I was expecting something a bit more subtle?

I mean, as it stands, the logical conclusion of what the dlc shows us is that Miquella either directly or indirectly led to the scarlet rotting of caelid, depending on what Radahn and Malenia knew about his plan, right?? He abandoned his followers, outright enchanted people into serving him, etc. Even if he's trying to create a gentler world and it's the old 'the end justifies the means' bit, this is far too extreme.

It's a shame because he could have been an excellent foil for Ranni and her ending. A lot of people, myself included, have questioned if her ending is the "best" ending for the people of the Lands Between. She seems to be trying to completely remove the influence of the gods, allowing people to freely live their lives on their own terms. Great, but there are so many violent factions and monsters, even excluding the gods and demigods, that it's hard to imagine the average person living in anything other than absolute terror all the time. Wouldn't it be better if there was a strong, but kind leader to guide them? Enter Miquella, who is trying to do just that. And we see what such a world would be like. If Ranni's world is free, but dangerous, Miquella's world would be safe, but devoid of freewill. He has to literally charm, manipulate, or kill and reanimate 🙄 everyone into following him. Because when people are free to do what they want, there will inevitably be conflict over beliefs, resources, and incompatible goals. Of course, both of these are extreme philosophies. The best answer would probably be somewhere in between, but you know. Video games.

Aside from that, I think it was interesting that his plan was to use the body of Mohg and the soul of Radahn to create the perfect Elden Lord consort. It's not completely dissimilar to Ranni killing her body and killing Godwyn's soul. I wonder if her original plan was to take Godwyn's body for herself, but something went wrong. After all, she was trying to get rid of her Empyrean flesh, and he wasn't an Empyrean. Miquella, on the other hand, needs to remain an Empyrean, so he would have no reason to use his own soul or body. Who knows.

I've always been very interested in what the endings mean for the future of the Lands Between. It's a shame I don't think the dlc answered my most pressing questions: Is the moon a sentient being that would take the place of the Greater Will? And, When Goldmask says gods are the problem that needs to be solved, is he including the Greater Will?

Also, I realized while thinking about the endings again, that Brother Corhyn has to read Goldmask's fingers like a Finger Reader of the Two Fingers! I totally missed that. I think that's a neat detail for a Golden Order fundamentalist. Just call him Ten Fingers. Five times as cool as the Two Fingers lol

[blackbirds-song]

Campwort *holds up microphone* gimmie ur thoughts plz

god where do i START

They are so unwell about each other. It's just so obvious how ridiculously obsessed with each other they are. They are divorced. They are terrible for each other (affectionate) (derogatory). Their fates are irrevocably intertwined and they are sooo weird about it.

OK!! So first of all Campion holds Woundwort as the main fixture of his life and the one he lives for. Everything he does, everything he is, is for Woundwort and Efrafa. That kind of all-consuming devotion is so fucked up in such a compelling way. And even once he's on the side of the Watership gang, he still saves Woundwort TWICE despite it being very, very obvious that his death would completely end the war and solve like 90% of Watership Down's and Efrafa's problems. Like...Campion knowing rationally that Woundwort is evil and needs to be stopped but still being unable to leave him or let him be hurt…even culminating in SACRIFICING his LIFE for him??? WHILE ACTIVELY BETRAYING HIM AS WELL??? What the fuck man. Betraying Woundwort LITERALLY kills him (albeit temporarily) because he simply can't stand to abandon him entirely.

And Campion has like...no identity or self-worth beyond who he can fight and die for. As I see it, he defines and values himself solely by what he can do for others and as such can't live without wholly devoting himself to someone. In Season 3 he's out of this dynamic for a few months and he spends the entire time depressed and suicidal.

From a Watsonian perspective, I think that Campion's infatuation with Blackberry is pretty much a disaster rebound situation (even if in Doylist terms I think it was just bad writing) where he needed to latch onto someone to devote himself to as he was grieving whatever it was he had with Woundwort. I think Campion's mindset in that situation pretty much boils down to "I need someone to dedicate my life to or I'll kill myself" and Blackberry was conveniently into him.

Ok maybe that was a tangent mostly about campion. ANYWAY.

Woundwort! He trusts and relies on Campion so much, and I think Campion is the one exception to Woundwort's fear of being seen as weak or sentimental (which I'm sure he justifies by telling himself that Campion is simply his hyper-competent ultra-loyal Captain of Owsla and that's why he values him. Nothing else surely).

also "you're a rabbit after my own heart" well what's THAT supposed to mean GENERAL. Fascinating how in 1x13 he went to check on Campion when he was injured and told him that his failure didn't matter (compare to, say, how he often threatens and abuses Vervain for his failures)

He's just so blind to the possibility that Campion even could betray him! He spends so long refusing to hear a WORD against him even though Vervain was right about his betrayal the entire time! He actually apologizes to Campion after the whole arrest/torture thing in Season 2, and apologizing isn't even something he does! It's pretty much canon that Campion is the only one Woundwort has any genuine respect for.

And then in Season 3 Woundwort's having literal screaming nightmares about Campion’s betrayal and death. Like, we have our toughest evillest guy in the whole series acting this way. He fully, canonically goes completely off-the-rails bonkers as a direct result of Campion’s betrayal/apparent death. What the fuck!! In the wake of Campion's sacrifice he completely forgives his betrayal which is insane to me. He's so concerned with what Campion thinks of him he has a mental break and starts reevaluating his entire worldview (even if, ultimately, it doesn't come to anything)? Crazy

and in season 3 they're sort of fated to kill each other but they don't but they do but they don't? or am i reading into that

Anyway idk how much of season 3 you've seen so I don't want to spoil anything. but WHATTT

Also I don't think anything ever happened between them. I think it was all weird intense repressed pining. but idk i am open to anything

Ok i have no idea if you wanted this much when you sent that ask but. here it is

[blood-red-hummingbee]

I NEED TO YAP ABOUT THIS OR I'LL GO CRAZY /POS (LONG) (NOT TWST)

OKAY, SO. I play DnD, and I've been playing this one campaign for a few months now. I didn't make my character for the campaign, and I used homebrew lore, so I was like, 'Will this work?'. My character is a chaotic evil, red dragonborn - though more human looking, but with wings, a tail, and big ol' dragon legs - royalty, run away from home for the hell of it, and! She can turn into a big ass actual dragon. DM's like 'Funny enough, I homebrewed my own dragonborn race that looks more human - wings, tails, and the like - and one of the storyline i have planned involves chaotic evil, red dragon royalty :) - oh, and the op paladin dragon lady can turn into a big ass actual dragon'

THIS IS UNDERSTANDABLY AMAZING, AND MY DRAGONBORN GETS WRITTEN IN WELL. BUT

There's a reason Chaotic Evil PCs aren't normally allowed. I've been struggling with having my murderous, no feelings, carefree dragon get along with the party. I decided to go the Vegeta route and shift her more towards chaotic neutral with fond-ish feelings towards the party. In theory, it's a great idea, but I wasn't really engaging in the RP or story, so I wasn't retaining much of it, and basically just stressing myself out and not enjoying the game. So, since another player switched out his character I asked if I could do the same. Her mom had just found her the session before, so I say 'It's the peak of her character arc! I don't want to dread sessions, and this would be a good place to see her off; willingly going back to save her friends lives when before she was killing to get away.'

She's still a part of the storyline and will definitely be revisited after we solve the main problem, beat the BBEG.

Now, the BBEG is a Necromancer that is very high up in the government. In session one, she killed one of our players, and Death itself brought him back and became our party's patron. I made a joke that another character I'd made - a Necromancer - would be fitting there, and we moved on, with me making references to my Necromancer here and there.

So, my DM's like, 'You wanna play your Necromancer now, right?' and I say 'Yeah' and he says 'Great, cus I have a few ideas'

Now. We made these changes in 24 hours. One day from me approaching him about phasing out my other character.

My Necromancer's og backstory was that she was a magical prodigy, interested in the subject before she was out of diapers, and a natural talent. When her dog dies, she starts researching Necromancy, and her personal goal for whatever campaign I would up playing her for, would be to bring back her dog.

DM says 'What if the BBEG takes ur character in when she starts researching Death magic, because she recognizes her innate talent and plans to make urs her successor (despite being immortal).'

I say 'Hell yeah, and because my character is actually moral, as she sees why Necromancy gets the rep it does (illegal, in my DM's world), she gives up on bringing her dog back, and abandons the BBEG.'

And because she recognized that there's a natural balance to the world and magic is there to uphold it, Death approaches her and is all 'Hey, you wanna be my oracle? I'll give you ur dog back' and she obvi says yes. That happens a few years before campaign present, so when Death chooses the other player as his champion (bringing him back and all that), he goes to my character and says 'Hey, you need to help them bring this bitch down' but like, not in that many words, cus he's a God it's more like '*points at undead player* Mine. You help.'

And the BBEG has a patron God too, Life. Ironic, right? Anyway, Life is Death's rival and is using the BBEG and her government to win the little 'game' the Gods are playing.

THIS ALL SOUNDS PLANNED FROM BEFORE DAY ONE, BUT IT WAS NOT, IT ALL JUST SLOTTED TOGETHER.

We came up with this in one day. Now, besides getting punched when my character first meets my party, that's the end of the suspicion which is actually annoying, cus I HAVE IMPRORTANT LORE. ASK ME ABOUT IT. I AM FURTHERING THE STORY. LIKE, LIKE, THE PARTY THINK THE PRESIDENT IS THE IMMORTAL ONE AND WANNA KILL HIM, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY THE NECROMANCERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

But I'm assuming the other players assume DM was surprised by my character change, which he was, but everything fell into place perfectly, SO THEY PROBABLY ASSUME THAT DM HAS NO ANSWERS TO THEIR QUESTIONS, OR THAT MY CHARACTER KNOWS THESE THINGS CUS I JUST SUCK AT UPHOLDING CHARACTER SEPERATION. Which is kinda offensive honestly- XD

ANYWAY, I WANNA BE A MYSTERIOUS ORACLEEEEEEEE

I CAN'T CHASE THEM DOWN TO INFO DUMP, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUNDDDDDDDDDD

BUT WE NEED TO FURTHER THE STORY, MOVE IT ALONG AND ME AND DM ARE EXCITED THAT THE LORE IS LORING

I AM GOING INSANEEEEEEEE AND JUST NEEDED TO GET THIS OUTTTTTTTTTTT

Curse the other players for being so polite and trying not to stress me and the DM out by chasing lore they think doesn't exist :')

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

SPOILERS FOR CHAPTER 70 PN BELOW Lets fucking go cap! ok it’s the weekend, I have my own writing block and I finally finished my fucking assignments and handed them in, I’m practically free forever!! (exams loom in the distance, i willfully ignore their shadow)

I’ve started by reading from chapter 67 just to bring myself back into the mindset (and because they are hype as all hell chapters), this is faster than starting my like 7th re-read.

I even made myself a cuppa to really settle in, the vibes are immaculate, I played Bizet Carmen while reading this time

The dichotomy of Juleka:

I don't want to hurt anyone!

Extreme violence is efficient. 

The fact that we didn’t get ladybug trying to kiss rena when she was shot by dark cupid is tragic

This time i listened to shoot to thrill by ACDC, and Burn it down by awolnation for the badass parts

Anyway finally onto Fei, that only took me two hours (i briefly wrote shit so yknow, a good time!)

Fei’s tragic backstory be upsetting frfr, Like damn brother you watched your dad die in front of you? Do you need a blanket and a hug?

The tone change from “My life ended when my dad died.” to “summer was awesome!!” made me snort horrible it’s not funny- but it kind of is-

Oh my god Juleka got a break for weeks AND WE DIDN’T GET TO SEE IT??? Tragedy. (i’m kidding, so happy that she got a break <33)

Rose thirsting over Panthera in a crop top is too funny- you just know if it was anyone else Juleka would be pouting like “damn what do they have that I don’t?” 

Oop her hands still kinda fucked, curiouser and curiouser. I wonder if she has tried to practice her secondary power. Which rq, it was SUCH bullshit that LB gets two and the cat miraculous gets one in canon, so happy you retconned it

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD OK CAP I AM SO HYPE HYPE SHE GOT A MODELING INTERNSHIP?????? Like sure cause nepotism but i’ve been wanting to see Juleka try out modeling in a real environment for ages cause like thats something she is interested in yknow and i just- 

Augh, hype as hell. And an excellent reason for her to be going to Shanghai, I applaud your problem solving to fit Juleka into the show's narrative! I applaud it always, but this one was more difficult than usual methinks

I have pizza now it is 8pm

Anyways; NOO GABEY BABY DON’T BE EVIL VIBES TO JULEKA SHE’S JUST A LITTLE THING

Oh my poor awkward Juleka… Gabriel wasn’t helping but this is so funny, dude you vowed to kill this girl like a month ago open your eyes

I NEED juleka’s modeling arc to be a thing. Idk how into detail you went but i’m hoping for some i’m rabid i’ve been waiting for this for like 3 years

Oh airports SUCK i feel her anxiety so much, poor thing… i forced my friend to share her location with me one time so we could stalk each other, we never turned it off its kinda funny

… why is Anarka banned from airports?? Being “a living weapon” is so vague.

Killing myself rose and juleka are so cute- and obsessed with each other- every hour is insane

I love Juleka instantly becoming a disaster on baby’s first flight

Juleka instantly being on high alert around gabriel is so real.

“Right,” Mr Agreste’s face didn’t twitch nor soften much in response, just nodded in understanding and turned back to stare forward. “The opening of this store is essential to the future of the Agreste Brand, you two. Opening it much sooner is very good news. There will be other fun times with your friends.”

Hardass, fuck off!!

Poker with literal chips made me laugh- adrien would be terrible at poker

Spiderman far from home? Nah, Panthera Noir far from home. 

“Oh that building looked fun to climb.” please Juleka unhinged parkour arc when?? Like people turn away from her and then look back and she’s up a tree. 

HELP “bye bye bag” is so real-

She’s so scary, but I wanna ask what her hair dye is. Do it. Please. I think you would factory reset Nathalie and she would answer on autopilot

Awkwardly playing chess is so real, also; yippee!! Adrien and Juleka bonding even more after the acting debacle!!

“Knights were cute. Little pony’s. Rose always wanted to move her knights cause they reminded her of unicorns.” please this is literally my strategy in chess, i just move them around and sometimes i win because i confuse people so badly

LB overthinking chess is hilarious. 

Adrien POV???

YOU CAN LEARN MANY THINGS FROM JULEKA SUCH; HOW TO BE A CAT. sorry i just had the mad idea that Adrien might find out this chapter… i would go insane if that turned out to be right

“Knowing info about me is pretty easy when your Wikipedia is super detailed” that’s fucking depressing. Adrien baby that’s a terrible way to get to know someone and not the same experience at all- 

Gaelic is a real language!! And a bitch to learn- I briefly tried with my dad and we both gave up, we’ll just stick with scots english

“Where do you disappear during akumas?” hard hitting question Adrien, ten points!

And is also making me high key suspicious about him finding out, the vibes are there

Nah, nah evil. Gabriel spend time with your son goddamnit 

GET HIS ASS JULEKA YES GIRL I LOVE YOU

The fact that she thinks she isn’t brave sometimes infuriates me, like babe i get your insecure but your brave as hell. 

QUEEN SHIT JUST WENT DOWN THERE

Juleka ripped him to shreds hell fucking yeah.

Wait. why did she give him the king? Hawkmoth called himself a king… cue the x-files music

Who the fuck is this asshole? Fei. Kick his ass, i command thee. 

Oh curious, she has burn scars from the fire, i like this detail. 

I feel like Fei and Juleka will get along, based on the ever present rage against one guy

She is being used augh

“Your father deserves to be avanged.”

“He does.” UMM GIRL YOUR DAD WOULD HATE THAT WEREN’T YOU THERE FOR THE FLASHBACK??

I want Cash to gtbnrvice this asshole is just using her desperation for information- 

I want Juleka to scare him into telling them, as Panthera, i think she would be quite good at that. 

Juleka is a feral beast who needs her outside time (i like how she wants to run on rooftops a lot its cute)

LORE LORE LORE LORE 

Excited. The prodigious?? Tell me more silly cheese guy

Ummm. i need the prodigious to show up, i can’t remember if thats what Fei has or if this is future future foreshadowing, this is exciting

New arc unlocked: freeing the Kwami from their jewelery or the curse. 

Also; yes sadistic plagg in the face of the guardians temple being destroyed, you go girl

Guardian temple? Swallowed whole? Sounds frightening. What a feast.  HA

Model Juleka yippee!

Help- adrien your advice is trash-

Ok existential conversation, yes girl let me spiral-

No sick girl Nathalie let adrien speak i want to know what he thinks of the best girlies-

Plagg wanting to take him under his wing- Juleka saying he wants to replace her with Adrien- ITS ALL COMING TOGETHER. 

Nah if you actually do have a reveal to Adrien i am going to go buckwild- cause either the vibes of the chapter got me but i think I guessed before any of the concrete foreshadowing

Ok sick girl nathalie actually has some sound advice and is being lovely to Juleka 

Yes Juleka use your strength

FEI STEALING CAMERAS??

Get her ass Juleka, or- politely bite her arm juleka?!?

Juleka is just brawling in an alleyway- like damn sister- watch out for bruises you might not be allowed to model-

Oh god what if she took plagg during some of their scrapping- actually, that would be fine. Juleka would just go insane and fight her

Juleka; desperately grasping for something familiar and bantering with Fei

Fei: what the fuck is wrong with her?

Nicest mugger I’ve ever met real and true

Wait

NOO JULEKA THEY WON’T LET YOU MODEL LIKE THIS

YEAH KICK. HER. ASS. 

Plagg stays with Juleka yippeee!!

Help their dynamic is so funny- exactly what i was wanting. 

Juleka would want to learn how to disappear even better than she already does wouldn’t she

Nah not Fei thinking “well that was fucking weird” while juleka is like “Oh that was cool” Juleka is so weirdgirl core i love her

Oh shit she stole marinettes stuff Tiki is there- 

Kick the asshole in the balls Fei, i command thee.

I am so happy Nathalie and Juleka have some sort of alliance, in my as to be written huge tragedy based on Nathalie Gabriel and Emily (which is extensively planned), I think Nathalie is more similar to Juleka as a teenager. 

Adrien and Nathalie interaction- “yes we- we did it” agyuhtvrinjfeok love her. 

Marinette blinked vacantly, standing in the back alley streets of Shanghai with a paling expression on her face and her entire inventory ghosted from her person.

WHERE THE HELL AM I!?

HELP SHE’S SO FUNNY- i love disaster marinette please-

and thats a wrap for Fei! i started this before five and it is now ten pm- i did other things though.

this was awesome cap, I look forward to the next chapters and I shall review them tomorrow!!!!!!

I hope you enjoyed <3

GLAD YOU ENJOYED!!!!!!

[mynameisalanwake]

my thoughts after finishing my Dragon Age series playthrough, pt. 1: Origins

after finishing my initial Veilguard playthrough, and to help me ignore the real world for a time, i decided to play through the entire Dragon Age series as a human warrior character (since i'm most comfortable in a 2-hand warrior build no matter what the combat mechanics are). i have SO many thoughts and no one to tell them to, so i'm saving everything here. my little Thedas canon thus far!

keeping everything below the cut for spoiler purposes :) i'll list my major decisions (the ones listed in the Keep) at the beginning

Dragon Age: Origins major decisions made: - human noble male (Aedan Cousland) - romanced Morrigan - brokered peace between the elves and werewolves - picked Bhelen as king. defeated Branka and the anvil - completed Rite of Annulment, supported Templars - did not defile the Urn of Sacred Ashes - helped Redcliffe & freed Connor, Isolde sacrificed - Alistair is king, Loghain is dead - Old God Baby <3 - all of my companions survived & stuck with me til the end - Awakening: killed the Architect, Keep & Amaranthine safe - Warden's Keep: allowed Avernus ethical research - Witch Hunt: walked right through the Eluvian, no second thoughts

i usually have a lot of trouble going back to XBox 360 games, but this one was SO much fun! i do think a lot of DA fans have nostalgia goggles about the writing in this game, though. the examples of iffy Origins writing i hear most often are "swooping is bad" and the Orzammar crier saying "epic fail," but i think some of the more lore-heavy, expository sections (like your intro to the Circle) get gummed up by the fact you're immediately thrown into the action and have to solve the dungeon puzzles.

(sidebar - i just generally had an issue with the Circle and ended up doing the Rite of Annulment by accident! i'm horrible at navigating and got confused by all the side quests that popped up at the same time, so i never went back, oops. they were also the last faction i dealt with recruiting, so i was a little burnt out by that point.)

the companions in this game were so much fun, and i loved the camp & gifting mechanics. the banter while out & about was great but not always as bitchy/antagonistic as people like to remember, and i ALWAYS had Alistair & Morrigan in my party! my third usually rotated between Leliana and Zevran (no offense to Wynne/Sten/Dog/Shale, some offense to Oghren). Alistair is a great tank, and since i played a 2-hand warrior focused on DPS, i didn't need any of the other warriors in my party ever. HOWEVER - everyone was horny for the Hero of Ferelden! famously stand-offish Morrigan was arguing with Alistair about "spending more time" with me before i even realized she was ready to ~romance~! her romance was so fulfilling, though - 100% recommend for anyone else looking to build their own canon in a full playthrough. while i'm someone who loves to recruit & keep every companion, i appreciate that it was an option here, and obviously i didn't recruit EVERY companion (iykyk)... but i don't feel like i missed anything there. i think i recruited Wynne too late in the game to do her personal quest, but that was the only one i missed. i will never understand how players can harden Alistair - he is truly a sweet cinnamon roll of a man and it is impossible to bring myself to break his heart (and will be my romance for my fem!HoF mage playthrough).

even though i felt it was rushed in DAO, i would argue that romances are one thing BioWare did really well in this series (i'll address VG's problems, don't worry) - again, i don't typically play as a male character, but by gender (and sometimes race!) locking romances, it forces players to ACTUALLY roleplay instead of a self-insert. since i knew what outcome i wanted, i chose to play as a different gender than usual, and i felt even more immersed because of it. the Human Noble origin is 100% the way to go for even MORE immersion into the story, IMO.

combat is... rough, which i think is just a product of the time. i'm not great at party management, either, but this game is a great way to learn and practice that skill. my elite controller was the real MVP for the whole series and its changing mechanics. inventory management is broken as hell - by the end of the base game, i had made 200+ lesser health poultices because 1. your inventory slots just stack, 2. you can buy endless flasks and elfroot, and 3. it was easier than making sure my support mage had plenty of lyrium potions on top of that (i preferred using Morrigan as AOE damage instead of support anyway). also - "would you like a ladder, so you can get off my back?"

to address the "dark" problem: Thedas seems to have two main marginalized groups, elves and mages. they're both treated like shit and basically imprisoned, and the player character is treated like shit for showing sympathy for either group (even worse if they're a member of the group themself). i'm a Skyrim fan who plays as an orc most times, so i'm a little burnt out on being called slurs in video games and can take it or leave it when it comes to discrimination in fantasy worlds. visuals are brought up a lot, too, but i think it's only been a big deal because of the aforementioned nostalgia goggles. the other DA games do just as well, if not better, with environmental storytelling, you just notice more in DA:O because the maps are so convoluted, you'll spend an hour in the same section of the Deep Roads before finding your way out and it's shoved in your face. i do prefer the old designs of demons & abominations, though! there were also some horrific scenes, like the Alienage orphanage in Denerim and the Broodmother as a whole. i just don't think these singular moments should be used to prop the game up as a paragon (LOL) of dark fantasy.

i definitely appreciated the impact of the choices i made throughout the game coming back at the end - i'm a sucker for a final battle where all of my friends come to help me out! completing the ritual with a romanced Morrigan was also incredibly emotional, especially since she makes it incredibly clear she doesn't want to be involved with you after the Blight is dealt with. even though the HoF wasn't voiced, i could feel the desperation in the dialogue options i selected to beg her to stay or bring me with her. the angst TOTALLY made the payoff in witch hunt worth it. BUT FIRST...

the Awakening DLC was SUCH a slog!!!! it felt like a whole separate game! after doing so many chores to help Ferelden get its shit together, the last thing i wanted to do was go on a bunch of fetch quests to make sure both Amaranthine AND the Keep were built up. i DO love the companions, especially Sigrun and Anders, but this whole DLC was a pain in the ass, even more so since i was trying to push through to Witch Hunt. i chose to defend Amaranthine, and i don't think i played through all of the companion quests (which is WILD in a DLC), so i'm not 100% sure how it SHOULD end. Aedan Cousland was just sick and tired of everyone's bullshit by that point. Warden's Keep barely even felt like anything and i almost forgot i played it. i spent almost 20 hours playing Awakening, which is about a third of the time it took me to finish the base game. i did Return to Ostagar (which i'm really glad i did after playing VG) and Shale's DLC while finishing the base game - Shale was cute but i totally gave up on saving the little girl from the cat demon, i was SO sick of puzzles after 60+ hours.

Witch Hunt on top FOREVER AND EVER - if i could walk through the Eluvian with Morrigan myself, i would. i cried for like an hour. it felt like such a beautiful ending for my HoF, who just busted his ass saving the world and just wanted some peace & quiet with his wife and OGB son. this would have been the only moment i wanted a voiced protagonist, tbh.

all in all, i loved Dragon Age: Origins. i had so much fun (almost) every second, and it was a great first installment to the series. the writing sometimes suffers a bit from the writing that was popular during the time (2009): witty quips and one-liners shoved into both lore-heavy and emotional-heavy dialogue where it doesn't quite fit, and a LOT of telling instead of showing. sometimes, the iffy writing is a result of giving the player a little too many choices, and sometimes, it just feels like the writers thought a joke was too good to cut out, which is how i felt about a LOT of Orzammar. it was the age of cable sitcoms on NBC, so of course that influenced their writing - i could practically feel some moments where my HoF was Jim'ing the camera. i did appreciate that the impact of your choices was often unclear until the ending slideshow - one example in particular is helping the dwarf start a chantry in Orzammar, which seems like a positive change, but he is ultimately killed after the events of the game. definitely not what i was expecting, which i liked!

solid 7.5/10 and i think it aged incredibly well. if you're able to play it and the DLCs, i 100% recommend. i would give anything for EA/BioWare to make a bundle 20th anniversary edition, but i HIGHLY doubt that will ever happen.

next up... Dragon Age 2! i will be writing all of these even if no one reads anything at all :)

[turbobyakuren]

@cerastes oh no worries!! i'm actually OK to answer this because maybe the key is that i'm doing something wrong and knowing how to fix it might make it enjoyable for me again.

More of a "circumstances" cause than what i was expressing in the post, but right now is more a problem of space and time. I live with my parents and I have a problem with the volume of my voice and since i tend to prefer streaming late at night i find it impossible to be comfortable unless i'm guaranteed to be home alone. I could have streamed more when I was in my apartment in Paris, but it is what it is. So, if i ever change my mind, it would be after i solve this problem!

Maintaining a schedule is a difficult, especially since i tend to be more of a "fuck around and decide what to do on instant T". I could be more of a "guerilla streamer" where I don't stick to a schedule (like i did in the past) and stream whatever i want, whenever i want.

I don't really know if I can bring a community and it impacts my self esteem to not really know how to draw people in because (continued in next point)

Overall, I do not consider myself to be an interesting person to watch. I have a bit of an "identity crisis" where I try to perform but also want to be myself and I overall feel very uncomfortable. I know my bit is my Antagonizing Relationship With Chat (which i do love and appreciate because, despite having a bit of paradoxical issues with "joke trashtalking", i am conscious that this is The Bit like pro wrestling. i actually love it haha), but I also feel there's eyes watching my every action and that if i don't do something Funny, people will lose interest. And the paradox is that this fear just manifests in me... not speaking, being confused, having trouble finding my words and thinking "god, i'm making a fool out of myself" and just thinking of excuses i can make to end the stream to stop embarrassing myself. My last streaming experiences last year was just that all the time. I really wish I could fix this.

Maybe the problem is that I haven't found my niche as a streamer, since it takes time and effort + trial and error, and that i need to actually find out what i like.

And there's also the fact that, in the end, video games are a hobby for me and streaming them brings a totally different experience. There's good and bad aspects of this. The Super Castlevania IV streams were my ultimate favourite experience because everyone made it so fun, whereas i ended up disliking streaming a certain game i used to like a lot because i kept getting backseated. I don't know how to express it, maybe "i don't like the pressure of monetizing my hobby" (without the monetizing aspect and more of the "dedicate to the bit" aspect of it). But that's a non-problem in the end because the pros outweighs the cons, so Perish the Thought.

Writing all that down was actually a good idea, because i externalized the struggle i felt about streaming (whenever i feel like i want to stream something i always kill the thought thinking "you're not interesting. don't do that. remember your last streams?"). I actually wrote this vent post after someone asked me enthusiastically if i'd be streaming the new Pizza Tower update, which made me kind of bummed because i would love to do it if there wasn't all this struggle i just listed (+ the time constraint because "you have to stream the hot new game NOW" although i have made it clear in the past that i do not vibe with that school of thought), and in that i feel like i've let down the few people who do appreciate me streaming...

So in the end, it's all that. But writing this made me a bit more hopeful I can enjoy this again...! If i make the effort, I can do this!

[brineffxiv]

We gather in Limsa Lominsa, awaiting the boat that will take us to Sharlayan, where we will reunite with Krile and set about attempting to solve the many problems that face us.

Hoary Boulder and Coultenet stop by to see us off and to make sure we've got everyone's well wishes and assurances that they'll take care of things while we're gone. And so, with mixed feelings of excitement and trepidation, we set off!

Be still my heart! Is that the voice of Emet-Selch!?

It is him, isn't it?? Oh, I have missed you terribly. Are you narrating this expansion? How? You're dead. Oh, I might cry.

Oh no, now I'm definitely going to cry. Why is the sad music playing!?

Goodness, Tataru couldn't spring for a cabin? Even a bunk? We've just got to sleep here on the floor? Maybe I will go for that walk.

Uh...

Oh, my God.

Hydaelyn. I... have some questions. I feel. Somewhat betrayed. More so on behalf of my friends, than myself. For while it is true you have never - that I know of - done wrong by me, I have complaint over how you have treated my fellow warriors of light and your oracles.

A hard choice, to be sure, but I wanted to know more than I wanted to rage.

And now I wish I had chosen the other answer. No, it is not clear to me why now. Why not before, any of the times before? Why not tell us yourself? Why did you not reveal the truth about yourself and the "servants of darkness" ? Why did we have to find out from Emet-Selch what was really going on here? Don't you think that was a little bit important? If you wanted me to trust in you, why have you never been forthcoming with me?

No thanks to you.

And that's another thing. I realize, as a primal, you are bound by the desires of those who brought you forth, from that moment in time. But. What would be so bad about the restoration of the old world? The way we are supposed to be? Why fight so hard to preserve the broken remnants of an accident?

Now, certainly, in the present, we are peoples worthy of living on. But why initially? In the immediate aftermath of the sundering, before we had rebuilt, why not help put the world back together? Was your drive to subdue Zodiark so strong that you could not consider anything that would bring him power?

It seems to me, that as the fight went on, the Ascians became increasingly more in the wrong. But at the start. From where I stand. You were the villain.

Why do you value me so highly. That you would expend the effort to say these words to me when you left Ardbert to languish in perpetual solitary confinement for over a century? When you allowed a succession of Minfilias to fight and die without a word? When your neglect forced the champions of the First to turn to the Ascians for help to save their world? They gave their lives and you wouldn't even speak to them!

I am so mad. I am so very angry with you. I do not understand, and I am furious that you would expend the effort to speak with me just to tell me we're in danger. No duh. We've got a rogue Ascian determined to reenact the Final Days. A problem we wouldn't have if I hadn't gone and killed off the people who were keeping him in line.

If that's supposed to make sense to me I have to tell you it doesn't. How in the world am I supposed to find out what you promised in another age.

I can tell you care about me. You maybe even love me, as a mother should love a child. And I think there is a part of me that reciprocates. That Rhesh'a loves you too. But we cannot see past the injustice of it all. A mother should not pick favorites among her children.

Ahh and now we arrive at Sharlayan. Endwalker is shaping up to be a doozy; I'm already emotionally exhausted.

I am. Unprepared.

Eeee! New city! And Emet-Selch is introducing it to me! Happy happy day!

What happens if we get refused entry? Do we have to get back on the boat?

Right, got it. No talking about the Scions. My lips are zipped.

Ah, yes, I should get around to playing Eureka at some point...

Haha omg. That was... SO long ago. Even longer for G'raha. He went away and lived an entire life and more in the meantime.

I've always wondered what was behind the placements of Archon marks? Clearly the neck is standard, but Urianger chose to put his on his face for some reason? And the pictures I've seen of Louisoix show him with his on his forehead. Hmm... Things to think about.

Trust Fourchenault to have made things difficult. At least Alisaie and Alphinaud aren't precluded from entering. Thankfully it seems that being disowned didn't revoke their citizenship.

I am an Artisan, thank you very much. I didn't level all my DoH/DoL skills to 90 by Stormblood for nothing now.

AHAHAHA! Poor Estinien. He can't think of a job.

Thankfully, Krile arrives to the rescue. Estinien is officially a mercenary. And we are now free to explore Sharlayan, myself with G'raha and Krile in tow!

And here is where I must stop the post, as I have hit my max image allotment, lol. Welcome to Endwalker.

[ddrqoyote]

A Big Fat 🇺🇸🎆🍔-Centric Identity/Heritage Vent

i'm so fucking sick of hearing "if white culture makes you feel empty, identify as what your family was before they assimilated into the social construct" I CAN'T DO THAT THEY'RE ALL ENGLISH.

i don't know where everyone is pulling these 20th century immigrants from but for me everyone going back at least 5 generations was already in the US and assimilated. i have scottish heritage somewhere based on my name but fuck if i know where. my grandma's been maintaining her ancestry.com account for years. it's not in there, which means i probably can't ever find out.

i don't even feel connected to english people. i barely know anything about pre-US english history and most of what i do know is king arthur, the worst kind of christianity, and poverty. there's an english historian in my family, so that's a bad sign.

and apparently everything decent about this country's culture was made or brought in by other people and everything my people made is tainted somehow. the good things always turn out to be exaggerations or just lies. i know that sounds excessive but i just found out dunk tanks were originally racist. fucking DUNK TANKS. even the littlest things. power and business are nice to have but they don't make much of a culture.

my heritage seems to be "cheat and kill better than anyone else, take credit for all our lucky breaks, tell everyone we were pacifist heroes later and if anyone tells the truth, make them shut up". and if i choose not to embrace that i have no heritage at all.

and again, english, so i can't pull some "nope, not me actually" card and hop over to a culture i like better than "generic white". i know that's insulting but it reminds me of when i was in high school and i was mad at myself for being straight and "part of the problem". it turned out i was queer so it wasn't my problem anymore, but i never actually solved my issues with it, i just found an escape hatch.

also i'm jealous and salty. the rest of yall (another word i thought was ours but isn't), even if you can never get back what you lost, at least you know there WAS something. it's a tragedy but it's not your people's fault. for me... was there ever anything of substance at all?

oh yeah. i'm queer so most of my ancestors would probably hate me anyway, or have values i think are disgusting. joy.

"why not queer english then?" besides the fact a lot of them haven't treated me right? because honestly, when i hear about our history from just 40 years ago i feel like it was a completely different world. i don't feel continuity from stonewall or the aids crisis to my own life. even today, i see some homeless gay teen whose parents kicked them out and i'm furious for them as a human being, but i'm not their people and i know they wouldn't think a middle-class CPA hopeful with supportive parents was theirs either. we've had completely different lives.

and frankly, thinking about our recent past and the injustice of it all makes me want to projectile vomit.

i've tried talking this stuff out with my friends but... my girlfriend has a god complex (/gen /pos) and doesn't understand why i need a heritage, or any culture larger than a friend group. my next-closest political friend is both european and kinda using communism as a replacement for heritage, and everyone else i'm either not close enough to talk about this or they don't care about this stuff.

(also, and this is a genuine question so please reblog and explain if i'm wrong, why is, say, blackness more real than whiteness? they were both manufactured at similar times by english people, a bunch of groups lumped together regardless of heritage, but i consistently hear people say one is real and the other is not.

i know most black people can't find out their original ancestries anymore but identifying as black is clearly more than "the only available option" for people. it feels like the unspoken answer is "ours is good and yours is evil" but of course no one wants to say they think that way out loud.)

the point is. i feel like i've been in a culture of one my whole life. i'm not proud of my heritage and without it i feel a gaping emptiness without roots and a pinch of essentialism to tell me what to be. no, i shouldn't, my girlfriend never stops telling me BUT I DO.

does anyone else have this problem.

[rollforjackass]

WHOOOOOO MISSION IMPOSSIBLE!!! dead reckoning spoilers under the cut

what mission impossible does in terms of fucking with my PTSD, it makes up for with hot women. amen

VERY funny chase sequences, 2 new characters who pulled their weight in gold from the second they stepped onscreen. the airport scene was immaculate, from luther & benji trying to solve shit on their own and roping ethan in in the most cryptic way possible (the bomb scene with benji broke my fucking heart) to the constant sleight of hand that reminded me of the first movie. kittridge and the white widow's semi-familial relationship was very unexpected and sweet

also, AI AS A VILLAIN!!!!!!! bitch i did not have my brain chemistry rewired by person of interest and a warforged dnd character i made just to not enjoy that. benji's voice being used to misdirect ethan fucked me up in so many ways, and its insistence on stories was very fun because as we all know, there are many different stories out in the world, and many different versions of each one. i loved that pom fulfilled the AI's prophecy that she would betray gabriel NOT BECAUSE OF THE REASON IT THOUGHT, but because it betrayed HER over a possible course she hadn't even taken yet

i AM very worried about benji for the second part, they made a point of showing him on EVERY line of that epilogue that referenced death. "the closer someone is to you, the harder to keep them alive" > benji's face (watching ethan, which says as much about benji as it could foreshadow for ethan); "should your agents be captured or killed" > benji's face. it also showed his face on a line similar to "do it alone", which makes me TERRIFIED that he'll take on the entity in the sevastapol sphere by himself and have to make a grand heroic sacrifice in the process, at which point i'll fill my pockets with stones and toss myself bodily into the nearest lake

that said, dead reckoning might be my least favorite of the franchise, and not just because it was overblown and grandiose and a two-parter. it feels like they saw the john wick movies and went 'That's what the people want', when the reason people love mission impossible in the first place is because of its rock solid ensemble cast and the elaborate deceptions that make it a Spy franchise, not just an Action one.

now the big issue. ilsa my love. i don't think ilsa is actually dead - she simply would Not lose to gabriel, she has been fighting to stay alive every second of her life - but i do think her sacrifice was necessary to get grace on their side. so i think that's a plan that we'll see pay out in the second movie.

but if it's Not a plan and they just killed her like that........girl what the fuck is happening on this day

(also the way that benji reacted to her death, and the way he hid it from the team and slapped the tears away to get back to work, thanks i hate it)

like i won't be generous with the franchise and say it's always done its female characters right - in fact i feel like 90% of the praise i see for characters like jane carter and ilsa faust comes from the fact that we as a fandom scooped them up and said 'you deserve better' and created art and fics and meta that fleshed out the parts of them that weren't created to add sex appeal/romance tom cruise. but the franchise has at least done Better for them than dead reckoning did. they didn't even give pom's character a name, dude (EDIT YES THEY DID I’M A FOOL HER NAME IS PARIS)

i think their problem is that they are Very Very good at creating wonderfully complex and obviously flawed female characters, but when they don't know what to do with them anymore, they fall into a box that says Ethan's Love Interest. and by god i will wrest grace from that box so long as i am breathing i can tell you that

that said, i can see why they made the creative choices that come across to me as bad faith. pom being a nameless henchman but ethan Still goes out of his way to save her life hammers home the ways that humans are different from AI, and how unique ethan is as an agent. grace's name being a random throwaway alias that she is then trapped with bc she keeps being chased by the people she used it with is reminiscent of her stealing the key and then being trapped in an epic struggle she never wanted. even ilsa dying is a way for her to take her story into her own hands: after so long of being treated as dispensable by MI-6 and the syndicate, she is the one who decides when and who she dies for, and why she dies. (even though she's not dead)

anyway, complaints aside, always a fun movie. extremely funny car chase. women are hot. pom klementieff is feral and i adore her. i have thoughts for days and that mission impossible fic i've got going is about to take OFF

[misetiverecon]

It's supposed to get better. I've seen it time and time again, and all it does is annoy me .

When am I ALLOWED to get better? When is it enough? When do I stop punishing myself for things that happened almost a year ago? When do I get to be happy without feeling like shit after? When do I get to eat and not worry about weather or not your treating yourself right? When do I get to feel human?

I'm so sick and tired of having little to no motivation. I'm tired of falling asleep with cut and bruised thighs, even if it's self inflicted. I'm tired of being and feeling powerless and useless. I'm tired of feeling like an emotional sack of shit. I'm so tired of feeling like I don't matter. I'm so sick and tired of feeling disgusting in my own body and mind.

What I've done and said to you cycle around in my head all day. What you've said and done to me cycle with it. Every single day I relive the moment when I first lost control. Everyday I feel guilt when I remember you saying that you'd feel bad for me if I didn't kill myself. Every fucking day, I'm forced to go back to that room that you almost died in. It doesn't stop. Sometimes the cycle will pause, but always starts again. Sleep is my only escape.

I still cry for you and what you went through. It tears apart my heart to know I could have and should have done so much better. I hyperventilate over the fact that I'll never be able to get back what I lost when you ended our relationship.

I knew we were toxic together. But we thought in the end everything would be fine. You and I overlooked every red flag because of it. Instead of solving our issues, we ignored them. We only talked about how we could have avoided things after a breakdown. We never told each other what was really wrong until after we blew things to pieces.

You say you knew we wouldn't last long, but I trusted you when you made promises. I believed you when you said I'd be yours forever. I trusted you when you said we'd truly be together one way. I was naive and stupid, but I still feel like you led me on. I also feel bad for thinking it, and I'm angry with myself because you felt like you had to protect me from the reality of what was happening.

I know I hurt you, and that what you did back, I deserved. But the time you called the cops on me, the time you lied to my mother... I can't over look those. You trust me with so many things, yet I can't trust you. It's always double standards with you. You'll tell me to be safe, but at the same time be hurting yourself every night. I know it's not your fault. I know you have mental health issues. But still upsets me. You have such low standards for yourself.

It makes me feel like crap that I can't help you. That I can't fix your problems.

I hate how you've moved on, while I'm still stuck here in this never ending loop. I want it stop, but the only way to do that is to end my life. I know you don't care weather I'm alive or not. You've said that to me directly. But if you don't care, why do we still talk? Why do you still want to know how im doing? You say so many things that contradict over things you've said. I know you don't mean to be, but your so goddamn confusing.

All that said, I'm still in love with you. Unlike you, I ment it when I said I'd love you forever. But God, I wish I didn't love you. It hurts to love you.

[nolan-chance-fortnite]

CLASSIC LITERATURE: ASKS

// I'm not gonna pretend someone sent me anon asks. I simply saw it and thought it was interesting so I'm doing it because I can lol. Since I'm my own public I decided to answer the ones I find interesting/relevant/I understand. In character because I want to //

A Christmas Carol: Has your muse ever rejected or pushed away the well-intentioned invitations of another? Why? The road to hell is paved  with good intentions!! Plenty of times, people claim they want to mend things and leave the past behind, and that's cool. But, well, they say it's well-intentioned, but sometimes you simply can feel it is not. Like that time Price invited me to have a drink, talk about working together again... I don't hold any grudges but I am not putting myself at risk. Fuck that guy. 

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn: Has your muse ever felt torn between what their society / culture expects from them and their moral values? What did they decide to do about it?   - All the time! Haha! Y'know, you're always expected to be a good man, a functional part of society. Of course, when I started my criminal life I had a lot of... Conflict, with authority and within myself. Part of me insisted it was wrong because stealing is bad, no matter if it's a penny or a car, or that's what my mom said. After being scolded over and over and over... I ended up choosing what I was good at. 

Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: Has your muse ever experienced something unexplainably bizarre? What was it? Did they ever tell anybody about it? Asides of that damned curse... Yeah... The apple dream. I was with Hayseed and he... Since we're talking about literature, you know the story, right? A Christmas Carol! Kinda like that! Three ghosts... Or lovers,in this case, came to me to freaking roast me! Haha! Still wondering what kind of dream that was... The weirdest part wasn't the dream itself, but... When I woke up, I found an apple in my room? And I had no apples around. I swear it just materialized. Thinking about that scares me to this day...   Actually, everything has been bizarre since I started doing big jobs for the IO. 

Anne of Green Gables: Does your muse have a good imagination? What do they tend to daydream about? I daydream about being rich, like, nasty rich. Like King Midas! Just imagine, having a yacht, a mansion or two, ten dozens of luxury cars and no worries! That's my dream... And I'll make it true someday!  OK, I went a bit off the tracks... Yeah, I'm creative when it comes to solving problems! But I don't tend to daydream often. I’m pretty… grounded

The Brothers Karamazov: Does your muse hold any religious beliefs? Why do they hold these beliefs? Have they ever faced a trial or hardship wherein these beliefs were tested? Ah, no no. That's not... After what I've seen in my travel across several realities... I don't think there's a God or something similar. Just.... Strange forces trying to kill everybody

The Catcher in the Rye: Has your muse ever misjudged someone? Did they ever realize they had done so? What did they do to make amends? You'll never believe me but, Mae? Love that girl. She had to prove me wrong when she came to me claiming to be a skilled hacker. I laughed at her at first, there was no way that purple haired kid could be such a thing. "Go play with your freaking Nintendoes", I told her... I vividly remember the fire in her eyes, she was so mad despite the cute pouting she was making, quite hilarious. Then she left.  Next thing I knew she had all my information, and I mean EVERYTHING. She took control of my phone, my computer, the security system of my place, even the freaking sound system of my TV. And she didn't even know where I lived before that!! Had to hire her on the spot, not just because she had compromised my identity and data, but because she was a very skilled hacker indeed, the best I've known. 

Crime and Punishment: Has your muse ever committed a serious crime? Have they ever done something they regret to this day? What was it? Why did they do it? ME?! SILLY LITTLE ME COMMITTING A CRIME?! I COULD NEVER!! HAHA!!  Back to the other questions... Yeah. I regret working for Jones that second time... Worst mistake of my life, I would not steal that medallion again. If I had the Chance™ to go back and choose again, I'd definitely choose being killed on the spot. Shoot Slone, SHOOT. 

Dracula: What is your muse’s opinion on the morbid and the macabre? Do they feel a fascination / connection to these things, or an aversion? Tell us why. Aversion is the right word, especially when it comes to death and stuff like that. I know you know I love risk, I love danger! You don't think much about it when you're doing your thing, but... Once you have to confront reality is... Not as fun as it seems. I'm used to living on the edge, but I'm not gonna lie, I don't enjoy blood and gross stuff. Makes me feel dizzy, makes me realize that guy splattered under the bricks, or turned into a strainer could be me. Ugh, don't want to think about that.  Monsters? Spooky! No thanks! 

Frankenstein: Has your muse ever allowed their ambition to lead them down the wrong path? What happened? My ambition is my drive, wherever I go, it leads me to the right path.... Except for that one time I thought "Hey, sure thing I can grab one bag more". Because money? It's never enough! Haha!  In my defense, I was a newbie in the business! Police came, everyone had to run, and I did it empty handed. Ambition made me lose what I had secured already.  But, generally speaking... I'm where I am thanks to my ambition. I don't think the one I'm taking is the wrong path, at all. 

The Great Gatsby: Would you say your muse is a greedy or materialistic person? Why or why not? Tell us about a life experience they’ve faced that shaped this attitude. Growing up freaking broke definitely does something to your brain, definitely. Mom said having  each other, food and a roof over our heads was more than enough, but I know we didn't even have that. She worked hard to barely get by, pay the rent of a shitty apartment we called home. I grew tired, I swore I'd never live that way anymore. Nobody was gonna humiliate me for being broke. Ever.  

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: Has your muse ever faced any kind of discrimination or oppression for an aspect of themselves that they cannot change? How has this experience shaped their attitude toward that aspect of themselves? Have they ever perpetuated any kind of discrimination or oppression against others, whether unintentionally or deliberately?  Not precisely discrimination but people has always looked down at me. Nobody has ever thought I'm capable or anything. That's ok, I don't mind. I've shown everyone I'm more than capable of doing whatever I want. 

Jane Eyre: Has your muse ever experienced rejection, abuse, or abandonment at the hands of a loved one? How did they cope with the betrayal? No, all my partners have been angels with me. Some with bigger wings, some with smaller wings. I'm the one who has been a little ungrateful motherfucking bitch.  My parents... I'll talk about that later on. 

The Little Prince: Describe your muse’s childhood. What did their home look like? What were their parents like? How have they changed as a person in the intervening years? I lived in a small apartment with my mom. She clearly had a better life before I was born. Full of fun, rock and whatever she wanted to do. My dad... A nasty hippie that did not much but "spread love" around the world, or, the neighborhood. BOOM! Nolan was born out of a short-lived romance. I guess it was nothing but a good lay because they never really matched together? He was a dreamer, she dreamed with anarchy and rebellion and all that but not anymore after you have to take care of silly little me!.  As far as I remember dad never lived with us, he used to go home to see me, to take me to school when I was little, but I think he never actually helped mom with daily expenses and such. He was never involved.  I feel I've talked about this before but, anyway. I wish he had been more present, but I guess enjoying a peaceful life does not include your partner and your kid. Still, those are things I wasn't fully aware about until I grew older. My dad was more like a... Grown up friend rather than an actual dad. He didn't do what other dads do, like... Dunno, house repairs or, he didn't have a car cause that was "hurting the environment" or some hippie shit like that. He was quite of an... Useless man. My mom would always take care of me as much as she could. I was her Special Sonny Boy™, not like she had other option, I was her only kid! As stated earlier, she worked hard for me, to feed me and afford the tiny apartment we lived in. There was no luxury, we had the bare minimum to live. Still, she tried her best to give me a somewhat decent life... Didn't work tho. I was left alone for long times during the day while she was working. I had to learn how to, at least, reheat my food while she wasn't there since I was little, so I've always been kind of... Self sufficient, in a way. I'd make my own sandwiches, haha! That was the cool part, triple cheese and no lettuce, awesome!  When she had a free day or something she would take me to the park! And she'd buy me a neapolitan ice cream! Tasty! (my favorite flavor to this day!)  School... OK, I was never good at school. Actually, I dropped out of high school! But it doesn't matter, I learned a lot more and more important stuff in the streets.  Money money money, it's always about money, right? Had to work since I was like 14, maybe? Nothing relevant, helping to mow the lawn for some coins, run errands... not until I started working at Durrr Burger! I started cleaning, then I was a cook, then in the cash register... Then went back to being a cook cause God forbid someone takes a cut of the profit! Eh, I'm drifting a bit right?  How have they changed? Honestly? I don't know. I haven't seen them since long ago. My dad… *shrugs* And, once I went full into my new criminal life I realized I didn't want to give mom more trouble, so... I left. Hope she's doing well. 

Lord of the Rings: Would your muse prefer to literally live on forever, or achieve immortality through the stories their loved ones share after they have gone? What sort of stories do you think your muse’s loved ones would tell about them? Through stories, absolutely! Who wants to live forever? Haha!  I'd love to be remembered for my feats! I want everyone to know the story of the Slap vault heist, or how everyone thought I was doing something illegal and crazy by raising loot llamas but how that actually helped to save those little fellas from extinction (have you seen a loot llama lately? No? Well, I'm on the right side of the story then!). I'd like to be the one and only, heist mastermind Nolan Chance, throughout eternity! 

Moby Dick: Has your muse ever desired revenge? Has your muse ever taken a quest for vengeance too far? How did it turn out in the end? Moby what?— Revenge... Uh... Y'know, I let those things slide. Why waste my time and energy I'm revenge? Things fall for their own weight, destiny puts everything in their respective place! Like Price, fuck that guy. Look at him! Where is he? He's nothing but a Mr Nobody. And where am I? I'm at the top, I'm the best criminal out there. Did I have to take revenge? Nah. Destiny showed him who was right. 

North and South: Does your muse have somewhere they call “home” that isn’t the house they physically live in? Where is it, and why do they regard it as such? Why do they not view their literal home in the same way as this special location? Yes I have a home... Can't go back to it, I know I'm not welcome there. The hotel is such a beautiful place, I have so many... Great memories there. I wish I could... Go there, be happy.  It's hard finding a place to call home when everything is changing so freaking much! One day you're comfy at your "home" and next time freaking Midas kicks you out cause that little pussy boy can pay more. Then you have a "home", humble but quiet, all you wanted. And the next day you have a freaking pickle factory right behind!  My special location is special because of the memories, not because of how luxurious it was. It's all about the people, the experiences, the.. Feeling, feeling you were part of something in there... Something I haven't been able to found

One Hundred Years of Solitude: Has your muse ever experienced isolation from others, whether physically or emotionally? Why were they subjected to this? Did they inflict the seclusion upon themselves, or did external circumstances force it upon them? How has it affected them? Every day since I was little! Hasn't affected me tho. See, a guy like me has to be especially careful with the people I keep around. Not everyone is trustworthy, I have to stay away from potential problems, troublesome guys... So I'm used to being alone, and it's better this way.  And I'm aware most people think the same about me. I can't be trusted, I don't deserve their energy. Doesn't matter, it's mutual. I prefer to stay by myself, I don't have to worry for "hurting" some stupid crybaby feelings, I don't have to give explanations about anything, I don't have deal with anyone else's problems. It's all Me Time™, baby!  ... Sure thing you sometimes wish you had a friend, someone who cares about you, but, y'know what people say, it's cold at the top of the mountain. Doesn't matter, nobody said success would be easy. 

The Scarlet Letter:  Has your muse struggled to shape their identity apart from harmful societal labels? Did they ever choose to “go with the flow” and conform to these labels, or did they fight back?  I'm a stupid thief, everybody and their mothers know that. People struggle to see me as something more than that. That's ok, more convenient for me. They don't know what I'm capable of. Keeping a low profile is important in this business. 

The Secret Garden: Does your muse enjoy the outdoors? Do they experience a connection or fascination with nature? You bet I do! I love jogging, feeling the fresh air in my face, the smell of grass! I also love the beach, the sea, the sun, beautiful! You know what I say, the world is full of The little things that make this life special! Nature gives us so much without asking anything in return!  Yeah a nice house is amazing but, have you had a moment of peace resting under a tree with no worries? Man, that's life! 

Sense and Sensibility: Does your muse tend to be a more practical or a more fanciful person? Why? Has this trait ever landed them in trouble, or saved them from it? I won't get into much detail, but, being practical has saved my ass plenty of times! 

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: Has your muse ever been forced to conceal or suppress a part of themselves because society would not accept it? Have they ever had the freedom to be their true self? What would they do if they knew they would face no consequences or judgment for their actions? I'm... OK this sounds stupid but I'm always suppressing part of who I am. There's no room for the small guy in this world, you have to stand out, to make yourself respected. I’m a sensitive guy! You can’t be that nowadays! I like… things, I like… people. I don’t need to be judged by that. I love what I love, the rest can stick his opinions in their asses

Treasure Island: Has your muse ever been on an adventure? Where did they go? What lessons did they learn from the experience? What sorts of people did they encounter? Plenty of adventures, yessir!! OK, I'll pick one... Yada yada yada, time skip. Aniyah (an ex) and I went on an adventure... OK not an amazing adventure... OK it was an amazing adventure, for me, at least! We were together when I started my new life, she didn't know I was a thief. After my first big hit, I got a car! Wasn't the best, but it was new and it was MINE!! As soon as I got the keys I went to her place and told her "baby, let's go for a ride!!". She asked me "to where?" and I told her "Wherever you want to go, baby!". We drove off with no destination, the night surprised us on the beach and we decided to stay for a bit longer. After all, we had the car to sleep in if we wanted, or to go back at any time. That night we stared at the starry sky while laying on the sand for a loooong time, talking, kissing, laughing. We did sleep in the car that night, ready to go back home the next day...  But that didn't happen.  We kept going on a very improvised road trip that lasted almost a month, convenient for me cause I had to lay low for some time. We got lost on the road, drove around the island, stopped wherever we wanted, ate whatever we wanted, did whatever we wanted. We were free, truly free.  Despite having the trunk loaded with money, the best part was being with her, knowing she was having a great time, enjoying having her by my side… Also the cheap things we ate during all that time, the landscape, the sunsets, the fresh breeze of the trees... Y'know, the little things... something I always diminished because all I pursued was wealth. Thinking about that makes me wonder if that’s how true happiness feels like.

 (Source)

[welcometomypov]

No excuses, no changing the topic. Answer my question directly:

If not abortion, what other solution do you have in mind to solve these problems:

- Mentally challenged women

- Disabled women unable to even take care of themselves

- Rape victims

- Teenage mothers

- Pregnant children

- Women who cannot safely have children due to their physical health

- Victims of incest

Note: Foster care and donations are not valid or trustworthy solutions. I'm talking about something effective and dependable. You clearly think abortion is wrong, so you obviously have other ideas to replace it.

"All well! Should've been more careful!"

"All well! Shouldn't have had sex!"

"All well! What was she wearing?"

"All well! it was god's plan!"

I don't want you to twist this around. I want an answer. Something women can depend on instead of abortion. If you can give me one valid solution, I'll apologize for bothering you and be on my merry way.

Okay, sensing some aggression and an incoming argument that all of my solutions will not be viable because murder is the only way.

And I did start writing some answers. But I've moved them into my note blog for later use. And here's why:

So, firstly, I will stay this:

I'm not here to convince you of anything. I'm not here to shove my thoughts down your throat. I'm here to put them out there and see what the world makes of them. To share from my POV.

If you came up to me on a college campus and said this, I'd politely tell you that I'm uninterested in this conversation, thank you for your time, and then go find an area known for housing crowds to stay in until I'm satisfied I'm not about to be harassed or endangered.

I'm not an expert. I'm not going to convince anyone of anything. I'm not here to do that. Go to a Pro-life centered blog. They will assist you with these questions. They are more likely to accept demands. I can recommend some good ones if you ask.

Secondly:

You have no right to demand anything from me. I'm under no obligation to answer you. I answer Asks because I make the choice to. I answer asks because I feel eager to share my POV with others.

And right now, I do not feel like sharing. I kinda feel nauseous.

This is not a debate or a conversation. This is an interrogation. And considering my hands are shaking, my Anxiety brain seems to believe I'm in an unsafe situation despite me being safe at home (uggghhh).

I have my essay. But I'm practicing boundaries.

If you would like to return and use kindess, we can chat.

I will not endanger my mental health for you.

I'm going to force myself to eat something in the hopes of quelling the nausea (stupid brain), say my prayers, spend the day with my family, and slowly allow my brain to feel the normal buzz of fear.

Then I will return and answer these other Asks in my box.

You're here for a win. The rush. Not a conversation. One of my answers, basically amounting to "we should fix the government instead of killing babies" will not satisfy you. It will upset you because it does not fit your expectations. And you will hasten to upset me.

If you'd like to resubmit with kindness to see my POV, we can have a real conversation. In the meantime, I have plans.

You will not love me for this. You may despise me for this answer and use this ask to prove that I am rude and stupid to your followers.

But I hope you have a wonderful day anyway.