#but god essek might be my favorite character

[edelgarfield]

god damn it all this Aeor and Calamity lore has me liking Ludinus a lot more than I ever wanted to. I find him so fascinating and compelling as a villain, in the way that he reflects a lot of my favorite characters' flaws particularly from CR2, but CR3 in Bell's Hells at times self-defeating pursuit of power in order to win.

I'm thinking abt a couple quotes from Essek, bc he & Ludinus obviously have so much in common. By Essek's own admission, it was his inability to trust people that made his pursuit of knowledge at the cost of others so appealing, that made him lose sight of the hurt he was causing

In particular the second quote: feeling personally responsible for doing something because of your inability to trust anyone else. I think that encompasses Ludinus's ideology & motivation so well.

The idea of longevity/immortality being a barrier to intimacy is something that gets talked about with respect to elves a lot, and I think Ludinus encompasses that to its logical extreme. Ludinus is one of the last survivors who actually lived on Exandria during the Calamity. Most elves actually fucked off to the Feywild and didn't return until long after the fighting was over. Given Ludinus was a child when Aeor fell, I would assume that means his parents chose to stay on Exandria & he was born afterwards. (Which if that's the case, adds another layer to his resistance against the gods bc he was doomed to live through the war on the surface of Exandria bc of a choice his parents made before he was born.)

All the elves born at the tail end of the Calamity are dead by now, Ludinus lived at least 160ish years of it, and most of the elves born around that time would have been in the Feywild and wouldn't have the experience of seeing what happened to the world. Everyone else who survived the Calamity would have died hundreds of years ago, not to mention that only a third of the population even survived it in the first place. The thing that's saved the PCs (& Essek) time and time again is their bonds with others, having other people to support them & remind them that all the power in the world means nothing if you lose yourself in its pursuit, that there are good things in this world worth living for.

Anyone that might have had the chance to sway Ludinus from his path is long dead, either from the Calamity or old age. Liliana seems to be the only person he feels close to, but they're both bonded through their shared cause. Even other elves, the people with the longest memories, don't understand what living through the Calamity was like. They weren't there.

I know it was mostly a joke when Laudna suggested Ludinus go to therapy, but at the same time where would he go? One of the things that helps PTSD is a sense of community, feeling like there are other people who share your experience, but there isn't anyone that shares Ludinus's experience (Not to mention anything resembling a therapist on Exandria would most likely draw power from a deity, which Ludinus is understandably opposed to).

That sense of isolation is something that comes up again & again among CR PCs. CR2 is the most obvious, but it's something plenty of the CR3 characters have been through as well. Ludinus would have been alone in his trauma for hundreds of years. That's completely incomprehensible to us. He would have watched the world move on and forget something that's so deeply affected him. Any attempt to confide in someone about his anger & pain would often be met with "this is punishment for our hubris" "the gods love us" "don't question their will." The very, very few allies he had would die out over the years until one day he's the last and he would be the last for centuries more. I feel like that sense of isolation, feeling removed from the world, bottling up centuries' worth of emotion would make anyone numb. he withdraws further and further into himself bc he doesn't belong. he works for centuries at removing the gods, becoming more and more desperate as he grows older, without anyone else to provide perspective as his plans grow more and more ruthless. (i also have a theory that this loneliness is part of what makes him sympathetic to predathos but that's a separate post)

Given his age & being the last survivor of the Calamity, I think it's nearly impossible for him to connect with other people. The only thing that gives him any sense of connection or community is his crusade against the gods; he only feels connected to others through their shared pain & anger, which never allow him to move past it. He can't trust anyone bc no one else understands what the gods are capable of like he does, nobody else understands what's at stake. He's the only person remaining who does, which means he's the only one who can do what he believes needs to be done.

There's a sense of duty. He needs to eliminate the gods because he doesn't trust the future inhabitants of Exandria to be able to protect their world. He owes it to all those who've been trampled on by the gods to do what they no longer can. I think he genuinely cares about mortals & he wants to defend them from a threat that he believes only he can see, but I think he cares far more about the thousands of dead he carries on his back than anyone alive. He can't simply live a happy life bc everything that once made his life worth living is gone. He can't let go of that pain & anger and move forward. His trauma is what gives him purpose and meaning; healing from it would be a betrayal to all the people that have suffered beneath the gods.

I don't think he's wrong about the gods, but I think he's seeking freedom from the gods' control, not realizing that he's letting himself be controlled by the dead. I think it's been a very long time since he spared a thought towards actually living. Bell's Hells keeps accusing him of wanting to take the place of the gods, or wanting to be seen as a messiah, but I truly don't think that's it. I don't think he cares about what comes after, if he's even thought about it at all. I don't even think he wants to be a martyr. His goal has never been for him to live in a free world, it's to ensure that there will be a world after he's gone, forever. he thinks if he dies without securing that future, he'll have failed Exandria & all the souls that have ever lived on it.

He's been completely ruthless in his pursuit of power because to him, he is fighting for Exandria's survival. That's exactly the trap BH has fallen into in the past, pursuing power even when it hurts themselves & their friends, losing sight of the actual people they claim to be protecting. Ludinus surrounds himself with terrible people; Otohan and Trent to name two, bc he wants the power they hold without getting his hands dirty himself. but in doing so he immediately removes any possibility of emotional intimacy. the people he works with don't trust him & he doesn't trust them. the one exception is Liliana & unfortunately I think she just met him far too late.

so much of CR is about the importance of feeling connected to other people, how those connections remind us of what's truly important, and keep us grounded, how when we begin to lose sight of ourselves, it's those we're close to that remind us. I think of Caleb & Essek, they both had goals they wanted to pursue, but in finding a place to belong realized those goals wouldn't actually make them happy. Ludinus doesn't want to be happy, he wants to have a purpose, and I know I'm a bleeding heart, but I think there is something incredibly tragic in someone who can't even imagine what it would be like to live a happy life.

I think of Fjord & Percy & Imogen & Laudna & Dorian, people who nearly lost themselves in pursuit of power, but chose to turn away because living for their friends was more important that dying for the world. Ludinus is the pendulum swinging in the other direction. It's incredibly tragic bc imo his intentions are genuinely good; he's arrogant and selfish and ruthless but i think he truly does want to protect Exandria.

I think there was a point in the past where someone could have reached him & he could have chosen a different path. i don't even think he would have necessarily had to give up his goal of removing the gods. if he had other people working alongside him instead of under him, who knows what he could've come up with? if he had people to pass the torch onto once he was gone, maybe he would feel like there was time to come up with a solution besides Predathos.

But he doesn't and he can't trust anyone bc no one else believes in his cause as fervently as he does. he can't trust anyone else to make the sacrifices he's willing to make so he never tries. He denies himself the aid & perspective & closeness that comes with trusting someone and becomes further and further entrenched in his mission to remove the gods at any cost. He's the only one alive left to remember the trauma of the Calamity: he has to carry all of it because no one else can.

[burningdarkfire]

A (or if you have favorite parts from ur fics you want to talk abt, that works too), E, K, N, U? :]

hiii thanks for the ask! 🥰

(send me a fanfic writer ask!)

A: Of the fanfic you’ve written, which is your favorite and why?

nearly impossible to pick an absolute favourite, but i haven't given into the desert a shoutout in a while! it's a damn interesting fic that did double duty, exploring both what i found interesting about critrole characters and in the AMCE world. i value the work i put into it as the first drafts went nowhere but i didn't give up. and of course i'm incredibly glad for all the people who read it and reached out and all the friends i've made because of it!

E: What character do you identify with most? Is there a certain fic of yours that captures these qualities particularly well?

all of my dnd characters can be described as "guy (gender neutral) who really, really believes in something but it turns out that the path to evil is lined with steadfast faith -> guy (gender neutral) who then realizes he has to make his own meaning in life" anyway can you believe i really liked caleb widogast?

funnily enough i don't have a fic that's particularly about that because the entire canon was about that and certainly LOB did not waver. if you want to see some of my qualities blatantly self-inserted into a character you can read any of my fics that feature astrid beck 😂

K: Do you have a guilty pleasures in fic (reading or writing)?

i mean, let's be honest. a/b/o is probably the last bastion to any idea of a "guilty pleasure" and since i've warmed to that in the past few years, i've also shed any illusion of "guilty pleasures". i have shameless pleasures now!

but also i write a lot of jokes only because i find them funny. i truly have no idea if other people enjoy the humour in my fics but i find myself hilarious so i keep doing it

N: Any fic ideas brewing that you’d care to share?

god, too many these days! i'm really itching to write more in canonverse now that i've spent so long writing mostly AUs. i have a doc that just has a bunch of fic ideas and this is the latest entry: "there's definitely something about caleb seeing astrid casting either modify memory or feeblemind for the first time—might be good as an outsider POV, maybe beau?"

U: Is there a pairing you would like to write, but haven’t tried yet?

i actually think about it constantly that capi wrote the first astrid/essek/caleb fic and how it's still the only astrid/essek/caleb fic because like. who am i. that should be me

[autumnslance]

This is a very silly ask (and feel free to ignore it completely), but do you think any of your OCs would be friends with characters from other franchises? (Fun fact, this was inspired by a piece of fanart that made me believe that Thancred and Leon Kennedy of Resident Evil fame would absolutely be friends. Or at least drinking buddies.)

Hrm, I don't often think in terms of crossovers and mashups anymore--which is funny, as one of my earliest online RP experiences was a multiverse setting where OCs from any and all settings--franchise, gaming, original, etc--could co-exist. Normal mortals teaming up with demigods from novel series and mega-damage users from RIFTS and an array of fantasy and sci-fi and horror characters in between.

I sometimes think about how my OCs in various settings would interact together; how my WoW OCs would get along, or not, with the FF14 crew, or the FF14 OCs with my D&D characters. I tend to lean into certain archetypes (bards and paladins/clerics/priests are favorites), so there'd be some overlap and things in common, and also some frustrations at similarities that grate and clash.

So I don't think too much about how they'd interact with canon figures from other settings, but any OCs I'd have in that realm instead.

Well, the adventuring parties of Actual Play shows like Critical Role (and its animated series spinoffs) is pretty easy; Vox Machina, the Mighty Nein, and Bells Hells are all as chaotic and as helpful as adventurers tend to be, for good or bad. So there'd be eye rolling and irritation, but also understanding and diving in alongside, forming friendships with the weirdos cuz well, adventurers are Like That. They're RP characters too though so might be cheating, or at least easier to figure out for me.

Vax has that sort of noble rogue energy that'd make Aeryn fond of him, while Vex would initially drive her up a wall until they reached an understanding. Scanlan's annoy the heck out of her until they got to sit down and talk for real and she saw under the vulgar exterior. Percy'd be tolerated as Insufferable Noble Trying Too Hard. She'd be patient with Grog and enjoy his overlarge childish glee at everything. And who doesn't love Pike? Literal angel with a chaotic bent herself, she adds a bit of calm when not engaging in sibling shenanigans with Grog. I think Aeryn'd relate most to Keyleth, funnily, and they'd get along decently. Tary, too, would get a lot of sympathy concerning expectations, and also nerding around with his crafts, and may make dealing with Percy a tad easier.

Of the Nein, Caduceus is a spot of calm, aroace energy. Not as right as he thinks he is about many things, but he means well and tries, and that counts for a lot. Aeryn'd have tea with him any day. She'd also be drawn to Beau's bravado and brashness and they'd get into trouble together. Same with Fjord and Caleb, really; there's a level of familiarity in how they approach things with 'let's poke it and see what happens' but also the care they have for others in general. Same with Yasha. Jester's a bright light ball of energy and oh gods her and C'oretta in the same space would be exhausting. Nott/Veth is a bit more complicated; probably depends on when in the campaign, is it before or after Veth's reunited with her family, as she undergoes a shift emotionally once she has her original self back as well as her husband and son. Molly would aggravate and charm Aeryn by turns; Kingsley she'd be sympathetic to and understand too well that living in another's shadow aspect. Essek is fine; he's a wizard to talk shop with, learn from, mess around with spellwork. Luc is a brat also in the shadow of his accomplished mom and adventuring family, and needs mentoring and guidance and a lot of patience oh gosh.

A lot of the Hells would honestly be irritating, especially Imogen's propensity to just use telepathy intrusively; girl needs a lesson in why you don't want to poke around uninvited or casually to get your answers, and a WoL's head is wilder than most. FCG needs mentoring and guidance like whoa. Fearne's also an agent of energetic chaos; fun in doses. Laudna's not so scary, very sweet and fun and sad and likely needs help she doesn't know how to ask for. Ashton's grating in his arrogance and rebelliousness for rebellion's sake (though that may shift given recent things...). Chetney's surface attitude would be annoying, but soon enough he'd be a safe and calming point, given his perceptions. Orym's also just calming and reasonable; maybe a little too much sometimes, and needs to be reminded to cut loose now and then, it's good for you (and your friends).

Dark rolls with it all; she's very easy to get along with. Iyna wouldn't be able to stand most of them. C'oretta would get along well with most everyone but lord her and Jester and/or Fearne in the same place...Terrifying!

That's one off the top of my head, after a long holiday weekend thinking about it off and on, anyway!

[eldritchmochi]

b m u y ! letter ask game

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind.

i fully blame seize and gem for getting me on the shadowidomauk train, regardless of the teif personality. seize especially has me in a chokehold re: their lucien and essek combo in one of their fics, which i have not read nor do i even know if its been posted but they keep sending me snippets like MOCHI YOU WILL LOVE THIS IT HAS ALL* YOUR KINKS and by dog they're right (*it is not actually "all" this is impossible as i have Too Many Kinks but)

also gem's essek-owns-a-boujie-coffee-shop au that has shadowidomauk as end game is cute as shit im sorry gem that i haven't had the spoons to edit more (its so good aaa)

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

i answered M with "ashton" over here in this post the other day but another character i would want to be friends withhhhhhhh hmmm lets say asterion. no i have not played the game but from the lore i have absorbed via cherry he is very much the kind of gay i would have fun having catty gossip with while also being the sort of rock for him to lean on and like..... not therapy him i hate being peoples therapist but the immovable object he can bounce trauma off and figure out How 2 People again. i think he would appreciate my bluntness and the way i set clear, explicit boundaries but am otherwise unflappable, and i would certainly appreciate his humour, and we can bond!! over the whole being ace as a result of trauma!! :D

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

answered U over here with ashton, kylo, and bucky over here but lets do it again!!

lets kick it off by going Old School with the Original Husbando ^TM: vash the stampede. you have no idea how jazzed i am about the new trigun anime (no i have not watched it i merely enjoy the smut on twitter) because vash is like, my og blorbo. did i have blorbos before? yes, kind of, but my Wants in a man* (*fictional character) had not yet developed so they were but proto-blorbos. vash tho... he has it all: tall pretty boy happy go lucky twink who is secretly Full Of Trauma but shoves it down super hard by being just so upbeat and goofy, and just really wants..... love and peace lmao. a lot of my blorbos historically have similar vibes in the "puts on an act to cover deep severe trauma" way lmao

next up: more anime i guess, but modern: i honestly super fucking love all might???? like SO MUCH he is such an interesting character and i desperately want to read fic of him grappling with his severe health issues alongside his image as a hero AND his mentoring of midoriya (preferably with that guud guud smut, but i have no clue who i'd ship him with, i only got two seasons in lmao). unfortunately, everything i like about him isnt even in cannon its just stuff that i, a cripple, can extrapolate from the worldbuilding and lil snippets we get of him but MAN i am o b s e s s e d

third!!! more comics: loki, specifically the agents of asgard loki. i am 100000% planning to cosplay that loki (i have the hair after all) and i am very excited because he is just so very Gender. it was the first time i saw a genderfluid character in mainstream media and his "i AM gender queer, i IDENTIFY as a bitch" like is something i quote constantly to describe my gender. also hes just such a dick who is obviously trying to do better and unlearn bad habits and god, i dont remember specifically what its about but he has a big fight with his earthside contact roommate buddy helper person over something and then comes crawling back and does this big speech where he talks about how he knows hes a fuck up but he's trying and he values her friendship so much even if he's been shit about showing it and it is chefs kiss

Y - What are your secondhand fandoms (i.e., fandoms you aren’t in personally but are tangentially familiar with because your friends/people on your dash are in them)?

dragon age. just... i know so much vague dragon age lore from listening to cherry talk about it because it is their BIG love for video games (pending bg3..... not sure if itll overtake da but theyre very sad they cannot play it again til monday lmao). i absolutely instigated a convo with someone on okc asking if xyz thing was a da reference and i was rIGHT it secured me a date lmao

similarly, mass effect, batfam stuff, haunted mansion, nbc hannibal (dont ask me why its a fandom in law still i cannot explain), s8 infinity (???? i only know matcha blossom), the final fantasy mmo, taz......

you can ask me more of these letter questions!! i have much time to spare!! maybe!!!

[essektheylyss]

#16, #18, and #20 for the ask meme! :)

16. What is your most underrated fic?

Okay, I've written some niche fic, so I tried not to pick one that was just, "No one read the short, gen one-shot offshoot of an already niche longfic! Who could've predicted this!" because, let's be real, I knew when I posted them that was gonna happen. (Even though I think some of them are really lovely.)

HOWEVER I do push let the earth humble you withal as often as possible even though I also knew it was gonna be niche content (it's, yanno, about grief) because I think the writing is pretty and cathartic and quite fun in a ghost story kind of way.

18. What is a line/scene you’re really proud of? Give us the DVD commentary for that scene.

DVD commentary for this question: I reblogged this list VERY scared someone might ask this, because I have written so much and I have forgotten most of it. My entire writing process is probably best described as a sort of exorcism, and the demons just keep coming, babey.

ALAS, I picked the very last scene of chapter 10 of what luminous worlds await, which is the culmination of two chapters worth of really messy memory amidst a quite literal mental conflict with Deirta, who ends up broken down in a dreamscape having realized how much her family has hurt over everything she's tried to do for the Dynasty. And Essek... I wouldn't say forgives her for it, but gives her the space to move forward from it. It's a lot about having to take certain steps as a child that you feel the parent should take, and no longer expecting things of them that they're never going to offer. And sometimes you get a little bit of those things, in the moment you stop expecting them.

I love that scene so much, and I was fucking terrified to post it.

Mostly I was worried that people were going to be pissed that it was settled that easily, and that she's given that grace, and... you know. Deirta is a very polarizing figure despite having one mention on screen, lol. And a lot of that fic was actually my own processing of growing up in my mother's very large, insular, Catholic family, so it was already pretty close to home.

But god it was so cathartic to write. And it worked really well and people seemed to really like it! I think in part because the second person POV does so much work in that chapter and for Deirta in particular—there's a three-part unraveling of a memory from her perspective in that chapter that made it all come together.

Also, hilariously, I have genuinely had a much better relationship with my mom since writing that fic specifically, so, you know, miracles can happen! Not hating your mom, nor absolving her, but a secret third thing (recognizing that she's a real live person with flaws who is as much a product of her own varied history as you are of yours)

There are many lines from that scene that I love a lot, but I picked one: "This is not a strength built of centuries of stoicism; this is the strength of being ripped open and finding oneself more whole than expected. You are familiar."

20. What’s your favorite minor character you’ve written?

I went through like every member of the Thelyss family before I was like, it's Abrianna. Duh. She's a delight. I write her like a composite of all of my (numerous) great aunts plus my very eclectic AP World teacher, who I discovered recently was once investigated as a communist, which was utterly unsurprising. (That woman was ending the Pledge of Allegiance with "liberty and justice for some" at a Catholic school in 2010, so, you know. Ahead of her time. This is not relevant to this question but I do love her for it. )

At least like.... twelve of the reasons I am the way I am has to do with that teacher, probably. Also unsurprising that I keep throwing Abrianna at Essek as some kind of mentor/thorn in his side.

[ask me behind the scenes writing questions, if you'd like!]

[catjacket-scribbles]

"My interests leave me trusting no one." // "Our paths crossing has shaken me to the core."

whatever else happens i’m proud of him

[grayintogreen]

Since I hit 200 fics posted to AO3, I thought I'd do the ABC's of fic meme, because I'm only four letters off from having the full set and I'm not entirely sure WHEN I might fill those letters. If I do, I'll just do another one with DIFFERENT FICS.

Fun facts: I have 15 fics that start with "and" and 9 that start with "this."

Given CR is my main fandom and makes up the bulk of my fics, I tried to make them all CR unless I couldn't (note: I could) and stuck to one-shots only (if I could- note: i could). If at all applicable, I chose the ones that I love that don't have as much attention because why not circulate them a bit?

I'm not apologizing for how many are Tombtakers-related. Those are my children and also have the least attention because... I'm fixated on minor characters.

OKAY LET'S DO THIS.

A: all the things we gave up for the things we could gain. (Creecien) I have been told that this fic actively punches you in the face and steals your lunch money.

B: born for the scythe and the thorn. (Jayne Merriweather) Most of my B fics broke the threshold of "a decent amount of attention." This one was written for Critmas last year and I can't even remember if I actually let it hit the main tag. It's just a little Jayne backstory fic.

C: cut my teeth on the bread of pure temptation. (Essek & Lucien) This is one of my only Essek POV fics. Just a random meeting between Essek and the Tombtakers in the style of the Last Temptation of Christ, because I'm a pretentious asshole.

D: don't be chosen- make the choice to choose. (Kingsley & Orly) Another fic I wrote for last year's Critmas. A little conversation between Orly and King.

E: every dream i dream is founded in what came before. (Lucien) I know I link this one a lot and I didn't want to do it again, but it's one of my favorite Lucien character studies.

F: for the laughter in her eyes, i'd be a madman to refuse. (Lucien & Jester) This one actually broke my kudos threshold but shhh. I love it.

G: give me black cat bones as the clock strikes thirteen. (Tombtakers) A Tombtakers caper-fic that I love dearly.

H: he'll never know how much you've done. (Creecien) This one is set in the same timeline as this church takes no conversions but it doesn't require you to have read it. It's just some weird Creecien h/c with the usual Lucien bastard shit.

I: it's all swords and spades so cut me slowly. (Kash & Zahra) a rare CR1 fic from me. I just love writing Kash POV.

J: just tell me i'm allowed to stay right where you are. (Creecien) LOOK THIS WAS THE ONLY J FIC. I'm not picking the Creecien fics on purpose. (mostly)

K: the king lies bleeding. This one is, admittedly, the ninth part of an overarching fic series so it means nothing to most people unless you just wanna read Lucien getting dom-bombed by Cree for being reckless while Caleb is just like "that's hot." It's my only K fic okay.

L: life is not a game that has a clear and present winner. (Beau & Molly) A little Beau and Molly friendship fic with Molly character development.

M: may your princes understand you (may your wolves get out alive). (Jester & Artagan) This one also beat my kudos threshold but it was the lowest of the CR M's. And I still love this fic- the villain of it was the OC that Ira replaced in OUADYA.

N: never trust the tenor of the skies. ANOTHER FIC FROM EARTHQUAKE WEATHER. IT WAS THE ONLY N. Whatever man. The combination redemption arc/corruption arc is great. You just probably don't want to come in on the middle. (also yes I know i got the god wrong from Caleb's backstory, but it's an AU)

O: once you see the midway, you've already lost. (Jester and Artagan) I think we're seeing a theme in what I write. This one is a cute little thing I wrote for Critmas. I love writing Artagan interacting with other fey.

P: prayed at your altar with a pilgrim's devotion. (Creecien) Yeah, look, shut up. This one is just MEAN. And a horror story.

Q: No fic.

R: remember me as something bigger than i was. (Yasha & Kingsley) Another Critmas story. I love writing stories about the Nein accepting Kingsley's decision to treat Molly like a brother and adopting him as THEIR baby brother too.

S: said the fool to his majesty dethroned. (Molly & Lucien) I was trying not to do super recent fics, but most of the S-fics were either multichapters or fics that had plenty of attention and this one was my favorite Mollymauk Week fic.

T: trapped in the walls of my skin. (Lucien) WHO WANTS TO READ A HORROR STORY ABOUT COMING BACK TO YOUR BODY USED AND VIOLATED. SURE YA DO.

U: No fic.

V: a victim that doesn't play fair. (Beau) This one was the only fic that started with v. Warnings for gladiator slavery, etc. It has a happy ending.

W: when the ice melts, will we still be skating circles?: (Creecien) This was my first Creecien fic, guys!! It's just as terrible as you'd expect of these assholes!

X: No fic.

Y: you will be the king no longer when we reach the glade. (Jester and Lucien) Every great Lucien redemption story starts with a panic attack. Also I love the reoccurring lines in this one. And also star Molly.

Z: No fic.

[thatonesadending]

Hear me out ... Taliesin could totally get Mollymauk back.

This is probably Veth and Cads last adventure with the Mighty Nien. They both have homes and families that they miss, but are sacrificing being with to basically save the world and their friends. But if they succeed in this adventure in Aoer, Sam and Taliesin would probably make the character choice to retire their characters.

Sooooo .... How utterly wonderful would it be if Matt is seeing this coming, and is giving the M9 a way to defeat the TombTakers, get Molly back, and let Taliesin play his beautiful colorful circus man again. I loved watching him play that character, and we simply didn't get to see enough. And Sam, I don't even know what kind of chaotic character he would make, but it would be great.

Maybe it's wishful thinking, but gods would I love to see Caleb be the one to pull Molly back out and kill Lucien's consciousness. I don't think Lucien even realizes Molly is there, so wrapped up in himself. But Caleb has obviously seen it, and is trying to provoke it, figure out if it's just memories or really Molly. And with their connection ... Honestly might be the only way to stop Lucien. The man is way too powerful for the M9 and completely without morals. But Molly isn't, and I think could take over Lucien by sheer force of will.

Molly would come back trumatized from litterally being buried alive in his own body while that evil son of a bitch pilots it. In my head it would make sense that Molly, Caleb, and Beau would lose connection to the eyes without the Nonogon, and Molly would be.more powerful but not understand his magic and would not have all the crazy over powered stuff Lucian has. That would make it easier to level Molly back at a level 14-15 so Talisin could fairly play him again.

Also, think of all the angst Caleb would go through looking at his once dead favorite Circus Man, the man who helped him understand his past doesn't have to define him and he is worthy of love and forgiveness from his friends ... And then look at the other purple hot boi in the room that he was just starting to trust again. Tell me that he wouldnt be conflicted. And Essek not be jealous that Caleb's attention would be split.

While I am being ridiculous, tell me it wouldn't be absolutely hilarious if Sam made another character that was a super hot woman, and try to seduce Fjord away from Jester, that's the only motivation that this new character would have to follow the M9. Sam and Travis's rivalry would be very interesting :-)

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E127 (March 2, 2021)

Tonight’s guests are, of course, Ashley Johnson and Marisha Ray!

Marisha, on her thought process behind the date: “It was a fascinating study on designing something with another player in trying to navigating how to do that in a way that makes sense and wouldn’t be too metagamey or overly scripted or anything like that. I had a bunch of ideas thought out, then I just typed it out and sent it over to him, and then he interpreted it as such.” Liam had ideas, but Marisha wanted him to keep the details a surprise. The theme of “let’s start over” was the leading motif for the design. Three acts: pre-game cocktails at the Nestled Nook, picnic in a field of Xhorhasian wildflowers, and then close it with after-dinner drinks and hot tub at the Steam’s Respite. And the very last thing was “and all the cats were dogs”. Brian: “What was his response to that?” Marisha: “He texted me and was like, ‘Are you serious or is this dog thing a joke?’”

Ashley is asked what it was like to know it was coming but not know the specifics. “For both of us, I don’t think we thought it was going to be right then. I think because it’s been so long in the relationship between Beau and Yasha and it felt like such a natural progression for the two of them, and they’re both awkward together. I think there was something to just being thrown into it.” She spent time thinking about what things Yasha would talk to Beau about on a date. “We got to maybe one of them. It was just so fun! Exploring romance in D&D can be super weird, especially when you’re streaming. But it felt like that’s where our characters were going. There was that excitement of trying something that is out of my comfort zone, and I think so much of Marisha was part of that, as being the initiator as Beau, where I was like, okay, this is where it’s going it. Let’s do it, let’s see what happens!” She mentions how “fun and freeing” it is to trust your improv partner in something like this.

Marisha: “I just wanted Beau to be a fuckboi!” But she highlights that it’s hard to deny the deeper connections that come up in D&D scenarios. “They’ve been with each other through so much that it’s difficult to deny when those bonds start to happen.” She texted Liam in a panic before the game. “What do I wear? And he said, ‘In the game or in real life?’ Both!”

Marisha was expecting a Sam curveball at some point. “My/Beau’s reaction of ‘I love you!’ was pretty accurate. She does care! She’s not just  a troll trying to ruin our shit.”

Marisha on Yasha liking dogs: “I clocked that shit when you bought a dog figurine.” She keeps notes about all the members of the party when they reveal things like that.

Ashley has started taking more detailed notes, partly to play catch-up for events she may have missed earlier. “Turns out, notes are very helpful and can help you in your RPing!”

Favorite parts? Marisha: “The fade-to-black moment at the very end, and I think it’s because Ashley’s eyes--maybe this is going to get weird--we had this moment where we were in the hot tub at the end, and I looked over and was like, ‘hey’, and you looked over and were like, ‘hey’, and I was just dead. I will never forget the look on Ashley’s face. There was just a pure moment.” Ashley: “That’s so funny, because I was going to talk about this one moment with Marisha. It’s just clicking into the scene and clicking into the moment.” Marisha talks about how the moments associated with the game have real, tangible emotional connections. Brian highlights that the emotional side of things is what you remember the most after the campaign is done.

Character thoughts on Kima? Marisha: “I was like, step on me! Please! Both of you! We’d be friends.” Ashley: “It’s also that nostalgia that feels so good at the table. These characters we know and love are still living and breathing and happy together and just kicking ass. For Yasha it was an amazing example of a relationship that works in this world, and something beautiful that these people who are different but are connecting. It was a lot of-- it was cool. I think Yasha’s a very big fan of Kima and Allura. When she gave over the sword, Travis texted me and was like, it’s the Holy Avenger. Looking it up and talking about it, it was like, holy mackerel, this sword is insane. But there’s going to have to be some conversations had to attune with the sword. But I like that Matt presented that challenge, that this isn’t necessarily in your class, but let’s do some RP and see what happens.”

Where’s Yasha at with the Stormlord right now? “I’m curious to explore that more, but knowing that the Stormlord was the first person to bring her back to her own will, of pulling her out of whatever was happening with Oban and the Laughing Hand for however long. It’s also weird to see the relationship that the clerics have, and I think Yasha’s still figuring out how to be her own person, but also... not serving somebody, but still trying to figure out that relationship with her god. But again, he saved her from a very, very dark place, and I think that’s something she values and holds on to.”

Cosplay of the Week: An amazing Essek! (Blushingvioletcosplay on Instagram)

How is Beau handling the Eyes? “All the theories! It’s hard for it to not feel like a ticking time bomb. I always have to try and separate my theories from Beau’s theories. That’s acting and shit. I, Marisha, am very interested if I can somehow utilize this to our advantage. Beau, also interested but simultaneously terrified that it might be a bad idea and I might just get further initiated. When it comes to Matt, you know there’s always something more lurking underneath all of this. As players it’s kind of our job to navigate that.”

How about Yasha? “I think it’s one of the things that didn’t really come up in the date, which is funny, because it’s something I was thinking about. Me as a player, that’s something I’m extremely stressed about. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We kind of got into it, but I think the fact that Lucien was listening, and the Eyes, I think it made me as a player as Yasha very nervous about interacting with Beau, because I don’t know what they’re picking up on. There’s so much we don’t know, and Lucien is so confusing, and the Eyes, and with Matt... we don’t know! It’s a point of extreme concern for Yasha, especially someone that she has feelings for and cares about, it’s an extra level of I don’t know what this means and I can’t lose this person, but I need to protect at all costs.”

What was it like for Beau to discover that Dairon and the Soul not only listened but took action? “That moment was so deeply powerful. Honestly, I was just as taken aback as Beau was. I never in both mine or Beau’s thought process did I think Matt would take action in that way, or that would ever be handled. And I think that’s what makes it so emotional. You condition yourself to think these things just happen, so much so that they permeate your D&D game. So rarely do abusers get held accountable for their actions. What was powerful about it was that he was, and other people cared. That alone was so emotionally impactful, and I was completely thrown by it. I feel like I had to walk away from that situation kind of unpacking those things. What does that say, what does that mean? Same thing for Beau, where the cycle of abuse has happened repeatedly to her with no repercussions to anyone who’s causing it. It’s why she’s always had a weird tenuous relationship with the Soul. It throws you into these layers of reconciliation and thought. I didn’t think this was going to be addressed. What does that say about society? So many different layers to peel back. It all speaks to so many real-life experiences that happen every damn day to so many people. There’s not many examples in media of abusers getting handled, and especially not in a way that’s not some sort of device to motivate somebody.” She highlights how rare it is that the abuser was handled without pulling the victim into the mess. I’m definitely not doing what she’s saying justice with my speed-typing.

How is Yasha feeling about solidifying her identity as a protector? “Putting together this character and starting to play as her, there was a part of me that wanted-- when I work on characters, you go through the list of questions you have as an actor, what’s your motivation and all that stuff. But I very much wanted to see if I could have a character that doesn’t necessarily know what their purpose is, because I feel like a lot of people feel that way. I think when we see movies or TV shows, there’s always a character who says, I know what my purpose is. I wanted to explore what it meant to not know what that is. I left that open with Yasha, and I didn’t want to set that for her, because I thought that was an interesting thing. I still like that idea, but in the conversation with Beau and knowing the date was coming up, there were a lot of internal conversations I was having of how is Yasha feeling in this moment. At the end of the day, I feel that’s a very solid purpose for Yasha in this moment, of all I can really provide is protection - and of course she can provide more than that. But now I’m just, yeah, I think protection for her is the best way she knows how to describe her purpose.” Brian: “And once we arrive there, the goal is to find a greater purpose, to be of service.” Ashley has tied in Yasha’s protectiveness with her grappling with loss.

Fan art of the week: A second amazing Essek! (by Saturday_sky)

Thoughts on the amulets: set-up or bad luck? Ashley: “I thought they were a set-up!” Marisha: “I think [Astrid’s] an opportunist. But I think it’d be much more convenient if anyone other than her killed Trent. To what end, I don’t know.” Ashley: “Me, personally, how I interpreted her crying in that alleyway, I felt like she was crying because of a betrayal. But I don’t know! I think she definitely cares for Caleb.” Marisha: “I also got betrayal tears. That felt like guilt-crying to me.” Brian: “I don’t like any of this.”

What prompted Beau going full assassin? “If they were to get in and out and I could have jumped over that tower without killing that guy, I would have.” She didn’t have a lot of options as a monk and not a rogue assassin, but needed a quick and quiet way to get him out of the way. “I went through so many ideas in my head. I thought of an idea to dump all of the ball bearings under him, then light fireworks” to try to get him to fall off the edge.

Is Yasha’s hope for Molly still alive? “Yes. I think that because Yasha has been on the other end of doing terrible things under someone else’s influence, she has a lot of forgiveness for people. At this point, of course, it’s hope that he’ll come back or have some type of recognition of his life as Molly. There’s a lot of questions. I don’t think she’ll ever give up on him.” The only moment of hesitation was when Lucien was cool with Gelidon leaving with Beau.

How are they feeling about their odds? Ashley: “I feel really great about the ideas that the group has to get out of tricky situations. This one I’m nervous about.” Marisha: “I agree. We have our little side player thread, minus Matt, and I don’t see how we’re getting out of this without some sort of compromise that’s not necessarily in our favor. I think we’re going to get out of it, but I don’t think we’re going to get out of it completely.”

Ashley didn’t tell Brian about the date after the episode ended, but wound up blurting it out right before he was about to watch the episode for Talks.

[stickandthorn]

essek for character ask?

First impression - Huh look, another one of Matt’s intimidating NPCs. Seems like Matt’s having fun with him, I guess Kryn higher ups are arrogant stuck ups. Huh.

Impression now - I love this character so much. He’s so deeply fascinating, a case study on the effects of a support system and empathy and forgiveness, and seeing his character develop real time was fascinating. I love his magic and his balance of evil to eventual somewhat good, it’s just so cool. He was so deep for an NPC, and I’m so glad so much time got devoted to doing what I think is a near perfect “redemption arc.” I also think Matt balanced him being an NPC vs the partying wanting him around a lot really well. 

Favorite moment - I think my favorite moment would have to be the whole scene on the boat. I have a lot of moments I love, but that reveal was just perfect, and the emotional impact of their discussion with him after was great. It was the tipping point for him into some sort of redemption, and it was acted so beautifully. I also loved having a live audience for it, it just added to the emotional weight.

Idea for a story - This is just a silly one, but I’d love a story of him traveling in Marquet and meeting the new characters, and going “Oh god I recognize this kind of disaster”. What can I say, Zion love me a crossover fic. Another one I’d like, on a more serious note, is a simple introspective character piece about Essek fighting to do good in the world without the Mighty Nein always around him. He isn’t fighting against other people, but the fact that it is not a simple and easy thing to be a “good person”, and someone who had his mentality (cough cough netrual evil) for so long would have a very hard time adjusting to doing good in the world. He isn’t inherently selfless, but he’s trying to learn, and I think it’d be interesting story to write. Maybe a simple one set in Tal’Dorei or Marquet, helping normal people in a relatively low power environment, or something like that.

Unpopular opinion - Ok, this might be a really unpopular one, but I… really dislike a lot of fanon for Essek, especially post canon. At first I enjoyed a lot of it because I felt like we needed some fun brevity in out headcanons, because it was almost entirely lifespan angst about him and Caleb after the finale. But now, I just entirely dislike most of it. Not all of it, there’s plenty of stuff out there that is good, but a good chunk of the stuff about Caleb and Essek (which is most of it) just feels like a complete misunderstanding of the characters and what relationship they would have. It feels like people projecting what they want on the two of them, not actually considering the reality of what their relationship would be. The same can be said for the rare stuff about Essek himself, I feel like a lot of traits and ideas are assigned to him that just aren’t the case, and I often have to go back and rewatch Essek clips to remind myself what I like about him. I could say a lot more on the exact specifics that upset me, but It’s other people’s fanon, and it isn’t hurting anyone, so I’m not gonna hate post about it. It’s just some fun fics and ideas and not my business, but I do think that a good chunk of the stuff out there about them is a total misinterpretation of him and his relationships and future. The one detail I will say, is that there are a good few people who need to read up on what being Demi really is. Because I see a lot of tags for “canon demi character” but very little actual representation of him being so, outside of the main canon.

Favorite relationship - Essek and Caleb. I know that’s the basic one, but seriously, I just adore the level on which they communicate. It feels like in making two people who so entirely got each other, Liam and Matt were able to make such a detailed and complicated relationship in surprisingly little time, it was just so layered and complicated, and in the end bittersweet, and I just deeply adored it. Like, the way they both instantly got the weird metaphor talk they both used is quite honestly insane, it’s great. A second favorite and less obvious one would be him and Veth. Their interactions were rare, but they were always absolute gold, the characters bounced off each other in a really surprising but good way.

Favorite headcanon - Essek actually becomes, if not friends, then good acquaintances with Astrid and Eodwulf. I don’t know if they could ever become real friends, but I like the idea of them getting to know each other at the blooming grove and seeing a lot of themselves in the other. Even if they aren’t close, they understand one another, and very occasionally do favors for each other that only the other could do, or would understand. If Caleb and Essek are similar, in some ways, not all, but some, I’d say Essek and Astrid and Eodwulf are more so.

[salamoonder]

alright so i was talking about this the other day in the groupchat and i cannot get over how good for each other caleb and beau are?? like there’s something...i don’t know there is something absolutely next level about empire siblings. like. okay. (under a cut bc this got so FUCKING long, what the fuck. also i talk about essek for a bit and how i think he will change their relationship.)

i’ve said it a million times but i think beau had the best possible reaction to caleb’s backstory reveal. she didn’t discount it; she didn’t treat it like nothing. she basically went “that’s fucked up, man, but you can and will do better” which i think is exactly what he needed to hear. caleb has this tendency to wallow in guilt and when you wallow in guilt it’s very easy to fall into a trap of inaction or only wanting to focus on things that will make that guilt quiet down (i.e., working on the very dangerous and perhaps impossible task of going back in time to save his parents. it’s kind of like people who are intent on doing relief work in far off countries where “real” poverty exists but who don’t wanna help the homeless people living in their own city.) beau pushes him to take his focus off the guilt quieting plans and put his focus on things that will actually be doing good for the sake of doing good. i think that’s sometimes a very difficult distinction to make and tbh beau has a very good grasp on it.

i also think this plays into part of the reason caleb still hasn’t told jester (or cad?) like okay number one, he’s scared. number two, i literally don’t think he can handle the easy forgiveness he would get from them (especially jester) and i think it would send him into a spiral of “no you don’t get it i did a bad bad thing i’m a terrible person” that might be hard to pull out of. and beau is extremely critical in general. she sees a thing she doesn’t like, you don’t have to wonder about it. “well that’s fucked up” are going to be the first words out of her mouth. caleb doesn’t have to worry about her misunderstanding the heaviness of what he’s done the way i suspect he does with the others. beau is never going to diminish how bad he feels about doing a thing; all she’s going to do is say “okay, and what are you gonna do about it?” which is THE BEST. THING. action is the best thing for depressed people oh my god. anyway.

honestly like. ok my favorite thing about beau is that despite the social awkwardness/prickliness she is genuinely *really good at people*. she understands people. i literally still cannot get over how good she is at handling caleb’s panic attacks. i think a lot of people’s first instinct w handling panic attacks is to smother, or, worse, to get just as worked up as the person panicking trying to calm them down. beau is very detached, calm, and levelheaded. she provides physical comfort/stimulus, water, and someone to talk to, and she waits. ( @thedarklordsnicklefritz pointed out recently that she’d be a very good nurse.)

now, caleb to beau: he so clearly, so obviously values her opinions and what she has to say. for all that he is “the smart one”--for all that the wheels in his head are constantly turning and for all that he has a plan for everything--he sits quietly and listens to her whenever she has something to say. he asks her about herself. he wants to know her plans and her goals. not only does he treat her like an adult with agency and ambition and ideas worth hearing, he treats her as a colleage. as a fellow scholar. and i think that beau was sorely lacking that kind of respect, especially under zeenoth. i think it’s something that she craves. even when they are at each other’s throats, he doesn’t interrupt her arguments. he listens till she’s done, and then he speaks. even if he’s growling at her through clenched teeth. he still gives her that respect.

another thing about caleb is that he mirrors the kind of love that beau shows him right back at her. leaving molly’s grave? the shit in kamordah? hand on her shoulder. here is frumpkin. here is frumpkin again. and again. and again--here is some quiet show of support, some small comfort. nothing to embarrass her or cause undue awkwardness. just, there, always. they are each other’s constants and i will literally never be over this oh my god--

okay another thing is, and this is going to be a bit touchy and i might word wrong so please be patient with me and ask questions if you have them, there is something to be said about the friendship of two people who are fundamentally romantically and sexually incompatible. like there’s a reason why “gay best friend” is a trope and there is some not great stuff surrounding it. but i also think that there is a kind of value in a friendship where you never have to worry about romantic or sexual shit coming up. there’s a certain security there, a kind of...safety. there is a safety in "i have no interest in your sex life." there is a safety in beau being a lesbian. both of them have some real baggage/struggles surrounding relationships, and this is not to say that they will never have a meaningful or secure or safe romantic/sexual relationship again. it’s just that there are unique problems that both of those will bring to them--unique problems that i think may bring them each a unique beauty and growth in working through--but nevertheless, unique problems that neither of them have to worry about with each other. their friendship is safe from that.

alright, now onto essek: i am really worried/intrigued for what he will mean for their friendship when they get back to xhorhas and have to deal with him. i think they both see him very differently, and i can’t see them getting through...*waves hand* “punishment” and whatever that means, without another blowup fight and serious hurt feelings.

i think caleb quite clearly sees himself in essek; i don’t think i need to lay that comparison out for anyone, honestly the whole 97 speech sums it up pretty well. what i would like to say is i think caleb has found hope in essek, for essek, in a way that i don’t quite think he’s managed to do for himself yet. like he’s gotten a lot better, but i think a symptom of getting better is that you see your flaws more clearly, and i think that’s very much happening to him right now. i think he sees himself as the same (or possibly even worse), regardless of how far he’s come. (see “i am ruined” to fjord.) i think essek is a mirror for him in which he sees himself more clearly without even realizing that that’s what he’s doing. he sees a selfish person who has done selfish things and hurt people in the process. and he also sees someone with a conscience and empathy who is extremely capable of doing real good. he sees someone with potential. someone with kindness in his soul. someone who could take his guilt and turn it into action, maybe to soothe some of that guilt the way caleb started, and maybe to eventually leave that behind, and do good for the sake of doing good. he sees someone in pain who is in need of support and a friend like beau to nudge him in the right direction.

and beau sees someone who has done selfish things for selfish reasons and does not show nearly enough remorse for it. she sees someone who has caused death and pain out of carelessness and pride and misplaced judgement. she sees someone who values his own gains over the lives of others and justifies that to make himself feel better, and i think that’s exactly the kind of authority figure that beau hates most. she sees someone who better fucking prove that this remorse is real or so help me god i’ll show you what remorse is.

and i think caleb (unfortunately like so much of this fandom with various characters) has latched onto essek as this mirror of himself, and i think at this point any judgement that beau passes on essek will reflect unfortunately on caleb. and the worst part is, beau isn’t going to see that. she wasn’t there for the razor speech. i think to her it’s obvious what she thinks of caleb: he’s a person who’s done some fucked up shit, sure, but he is someone who cares deeply about getting better and has proven himself to be a kind, unwavering person over and over again. he’s more than alright in her book. whereas essek hasn’t really done anything to win him anywhere near the same kind of rapport with her. clearly, in her mind, they are different. why should they be otherwise?

but caleb is going to hear any criticism and, i think, just apply it straight on to himself. i think he thinks that he and essek are so similar that any cut towards essek is a cut towards him. i think he is going to be deeply hurt, i think it’s going to feel like a betrayal--like a revocation of the trust that beau has in him--and i think beau is going to have no idea.

[edelgarfield]

under the cut bc i don't want to force anyone to character hate if they don't want it (it's not hate just. a longtime gripe abt o.rym)

orym continuing to bring up his family as like. a trump card any time someone suggests listening to ludinus or even that he's right about the gods. it's so?? honestly i really don't like it as a viewer & it's their game so my opinion doesn't really matter, but if a player at my table consistently refused to consider options that the rest of the party was entertaining i think there would be a point where i'd be like "either your character needs to compromise, or you need to make one that will." bc like. on one hand i understand this being something central to orym as a character. but at the same time d&d is a team game and like. for the sake of everyone else's fun sometimes you just have to entertain the rest of the party even if it's not "what your character would do."

like it's so frustrating bc i feel like so many really interesting storylines & potential avenues have been completely cut off bc of orym, where the other characters & characters from previous campaigns have been willing to make concessions.

and the fact that his hatred for ludinus keeps him from even entertaining his point abt the gods. like ludinus killing his family makes him unforgivable (valid), but when the gods kill thousands of people's families it's "well mortals kill each other too." make it make sense.

it's so frustrating bc imo no other character in CR's run has been this unwilling to compromise for the sake of the party. keyleth, vax, & vex all worked with Raishan, who was responsible for the deaths of keyleth's people AND worked w/ the dragon that killed the twins' mother.

veth worked w/ ludinus & essek despite them being responsible for her husband's imprisonment. caleb worked w/ multiple assembly members.

like i don't hate orym, he has his moments & liam has always been one of my favorite players. but it's like he's completely unable to see past his own personal tragedy to consider what's actually best for exandria as a whole. you could argue that ludinus is doing the same thing and that's the point. orym accuses ludinus of being blinded by revenge/pain, but he's the exact same in that respect.

i'm not saying orym needs to sign up with the ruby vanguard or kill the gods, but the refusal to even consider that the gods might be harming exandria as a whole, or that the world could exist without the gods despite all the evidence to the contrary speaks to a moral/logical rigidity that he & ludinus share. and that could be interesting to explore but imo orym is in the exact same place he started at the beginning of the game in this regard. i've seen no evidence of his opinion on the gods evolving from "ludinus bad." i feel like he's immediately dismissive any time one of the other party members suggests otherwise.

It's like. I feel like he's so convinced of his own moral righteousness that anyone who disagrees with him is misguided. like so much of his identity within the party is tied to being The Sane One & The Stable One & The Moral Compass, both in the eyes of the other party members & himself, that any dissenting opinion is seen as less important/valid bc he immediately pulls the Ludinus Killed My Family card even when the conversation isn't directly about that, which immediately bullies everyone into shutting up.

i hope it changes, and maybe Dorian seeing Ludinus's point will get to him, bc he's the first person that can counter Orym with "the Gods killed my family." But I also think that speaks to The Problem with Orym, which is that like. he seems to think that having The Most Trauma makes your opinion matter more, and he's always comparing his trauma to the rest of the party, both to his benefit & to his detriment. like IF Dorian is able to get Orym to at least acknowledge the validity of his point of view, I think it's extremely unfair to Orym's other friends that he didn't think their opinions mattered until someone's family died.

idk i just find orym very very frustrating as a character. I think he would've worked well in Vox Machina, but not in this party & not this campaign. Imo he's too morally inflexible for a campaign that focuses on some complex themes. Or I think if one of the other party members was coming from the other end of the spectrum, like Deanna, and had similar trauma surrounding the gods, I think that would have worked well to balance out Orym's rigidity. And hopefully we get that with Dorian I just wish we would have had it all along.

(deanna please come back im begging you, it's such a shame that orym never got to talk to you)

[cadaceus]

C2E141

One last time, y’all. This campaign and these characters have meant so much to me, and this seven hour finale was definitely an emotional rollercoaster. (Yes, I shed actual tears at one point, which rarely happens to me with media. But this is a special occasion.) These liveblogs are nearly as long as the episode itself, so grab a snack! With that being said, here are my very last liveblogs for Campaign 2 of Critical Role. As always, major spoilers below, so beware. 

- Veth taking a level in Wizard, god I am really gonna cry ten minutes into this thing...  😭

- We got our first “stay with us” to Essek, I am emo...

- I was fully not expecting to say goodbye to Frumpkin, but now I’m on the verge of tears... farewell dear fey friend (Marisha saying “that wasn’t supposed to be what broke me” me too me too)

- “You’re a good person.” “I could be.” “You are.”

- “I think you’re a good person” I never thought that I’d hear Beau say that about Essek and this genuinely might be what breaks me... she thinks he’s a good person.... redemption is possible.... maybe love is real....

- If I end up crying over wizards, look away

- Jester lifting up Fjord’s arm to snuggle beneath it made me say “awww” out loud  🥺

- VETH GOING FOR A DIP IN THE POND, I AM GENUINELY SO PROUD OF HER

- “Aahhh!! It’s me! Your wife!” I am going to miss Jester’s sending so much

- Okay that accent bit was so funny, I am going to miss all of them so much

- REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK REAL MOLLY IS BACK

- Oh but he doesn’t remember them... and Yasha is trying so hard to help him remember, it’s so so sweet 

- Something about the way he said “Tealeaf’s nice” made me tear up... I was neutral on Mollymauk early campaign because I went into things knowing that he passed away, but this whole conversation with the Mighty Nein is So Much. Also “Kingsley Tealeaf” 

- “Everyone should have a brother” as someone with three of them, I vouch for this  🥺

- a) I love Marion Lavorre (and Jester ofc!) so very much and b) I can’t believe that Jester’s parent trap actually worked??

- “I do not think Exandria is ready for how you’re going to change it” got to me... and it’s also so true. jester has already changed the world just by being kind.

- Good bye Marion... I love and will miss you so much! (And many thanks to Laura and Matt for creating an agoraphic single mother who raised a wonderful child <3)

- Beau and Jester teasing Marion for having a complicated relationship with Babenon reminds me of Caleb saying he has a complicated relationship with Essek...

- LEAVE CALEB ALON E FUOIKJLKGKNL 

- THIS IS ....... SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.

- Caleb’s biggest trauma(s) coming back to haunt him, I am genuinely going to cry I’m not ready for this I’m not okay

- Beau saying to Jester “Thanks, cutie” I love themmmmm

- INITIATIVE AAGJASKHDKJ AAAAAHHHH

- Essek’s Gravity Sinkhole did nothing? uhhhhh Mr Stark...

- EADWULF???? HELLO?????

- Essek using his entire turn to save Caleb last battle 🤝 Caleb using his entire turn to save Essek this battle

- ASTRID???? I TRUSTED YOU??? WE ALL TRUSTED YOU????

- Another Counterspell chain sdfdghjkdl wizards !!!

- “It’s just business” is literally the Neutral Evil line, it always gives me chills when any character says it

- This hurts more after Liam confirming on Twitter that Astrid/Caleb/Eadwulf were all three a romantic item... please stop hurting Caleb, you loved him  😭

- THE FJORD VS EADWULF SWORD FIGHT IS SO CINEMATIC I LOVE IT HERE ACTUALLY

- Essek taking every opportunity to pull Caleb to safety makes me so emotional...  😭

- “You’re not the first student I’ve had to put down” I am burning with my anger for you, old man 

- THE DISPEL WORKED LET’S GO CALEB.....

- Remember when Matt said that Essek doesn’t openly show concern/emotion? And now he’s saying “I’m scared” in front of his closest friends and his worst enemies.... growth my love.....

- BEAU AND VETH LETS GO CHAOS CREW LETS MF GO BABEYYYY!!!

- FJORD COUNTERSPELLING THE DIMENSION DOOR..... and Matt having him describe it.... is this taking the place of a “HDYWTDT” *eyes emoji*

- CALEB GOING DOWN NO, THANK GOD FOR THAT DEATH WARD

- Veth’s illusion of Caleb’s parents flanking Caleb in the flames.... that got me too, Liam

- “Stay down.” yeah, okay, that was sexy

- ASTRID BEING THE ONE TO ACTIVATE THE COLLAR IS LITERALLY POETIC JUSTICE... Trent being beaten by the student who stuck with him longest I love this so much, she deserved that moment honestly

- Break Time, AKA Emma Makes Her Weekly Mug Brownie Interlude

- Sometimes I feel like “death is too good for you” is a copout, but in this case it fits so well, I want this mf’s reputation destroyed and the entire operation exposed and overthrown let’s goooo

- “I loved you both so much”.... Astrid and Eadwulf walking away.... oh, Blumendrei... I know this is not the end of your story. What’s past is prologue, loves

- The Empire Siblings are gonna burn down the whole system because it’s the system that enables individual corruption... I am so fulfilled by this, god i love them

- “I love you too” OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, FJORESTER ARE THE CUTEST FOR REAL

- Jester and Essek’s friendship still means so much to me btw just in case anyone wanted a check-in

- Veth giving the flask to Kingsley!! Good for her, good for her!

- OH Blumenduo are back already! I truly thought that was going to be their last appearance of the Campaign, why is this taking me more by surprise than Trent’s appearance

- “[Caleb] notes how similar Eadwulf and Fjord are” this is Widofjord adjacent... this episode we have gotten Widomauk-adjacent, Widojest-adjacent, and Widofjord-adjacent (and Blumentrio ofc), now come through Shadowgast and we can get a full Bingo on the “Bisexual Maelstrom” card

- Speaking of relationships, I am lowkey into the Fjord/Jester/Kingsley dynamic LOL no one look at me I’m in hiding

- I’M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE TO VETH AND CAD 😭 It makes sense and the fact that they have their families back is beautiful but also consider this: I’m sad and I will miss them 

- The goodbyes to Caduceus..... I am going to cry aren’t I?

- “If he’s anything like his mom, you won’t see him until it’s too late” Okay that made me giggle, I love Veth and I love Luc and I love their little family

- IS ESSEK LEAVING TOO? THAT’S GONNA BE WHAT BREAKS ME ISN’T IT

- If Essek leaves and we never see him again, getting a triple whammy of goodbyes I will be so incredibly sad, I cannot do this  😭

- If anyone is interested, no I am not doing well

- I was lowkey ready to get an Essek’s feelings for Caleb confirmation tonight, I guess it makes sense that we didn’t but I hope that this is not the last time we see Essek... I want to write another emo post about him and about how much he means to me but I will refrain

- CALEB BEING A TEACHER IS THE ENDGAME I WANT FOR HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

- Wow, I really was not ready to see Caduceus and Essek go for some reason... I really wanted this Campaign to end on the image of the Mighty Nein together as all nine of them... I’m feeling so numb right now having to say goodbye  😭

- Oh, we’re in the epilogue now!

- When Fjord said “[the sea] is my favorite place to be” I genuinely felt that on a spiritual level... the ocean is home, it truly is and always will be for me as well

- “I CAST MODIFY MEMORY” FJORD LMAOOOOOOO

- Okay, that Widobrave ending is what made me shed tears for the first time this episode... not to be Personal but my biological brother graduates High School tomorrow, and for some reason this conversation just reminded me so much of me and him and now I’m emotional

- NOT THE SYPHILIS BANDITS DSYUHDFJKLSFJ;DS OKAY I NEEDED THAT LAUGH

- “I’d like to hear about your friend” Kingsley aww

- Beau giving Kingsley her first diary to help him realize who they all are is actually so perfectly fitting, I love that!

- “The other eight and I, yes” Caleb counting all nine of them again  😭

- CALEB BEING OFFERED AN ASSEMBLY SEAT WTF AAAHHH

- Oh shit, Astrid took the Assembly seat... I’m not sure how I feel about this, I feel so bad for her for having to stay in the system that abused her for so long and I would have loved to see her burn the whole thing down, but I hope that she at least has a sense of contentment with this title

- “I go where you go, baby” Beauyasha.... my darling loves....

- Beau’s dad??? But also Beau being the one with power over her father is so Good, I’m glad that she got justice on that front as well!

- This talk with Artagan... “I didn’t want you to be a god. I wanted you to be my friend.” and in the process my love you created divinity... maybe divinity is the friends we made along the way

- OH SHIT WE ARE GETTING ALL THE VANDRAN LORE TONIGHT I’M READY LET’S GO LET’S GO

- VANDRAN AND AVANTIKA WERE AN ITEM???

- Wait crack theory: Sabian was a half elf right? Could he be the son of Vandren and Avantika? Or is that too much of a stretch? 

- Vandran going with them!!! Also I feel like that moment between Fjord and Vandran was lowkey a tease to a post-campain Uk’otoa one shot and I am ready for it already 

- THIS BEAUYASHA MOMENT... “i’ve never known anyone as deeply as i know you” & “explore every bit of you in multiple ways ;)” & “your past doesn’t scare me, it only makes you beautiful” .... this is so much they are so much i love them so much

- “I will have you and then some” Beauyasha   😭

- I’m torn between “oh my god there’s still half an hour left?” and “how is there only half an hour left??”

- “You will let this Skyspear live at least?” oh my god so Yasha killed the last Skyspear then? Oof...

- YASHA GIVING ZUALA(’S GRAVE) THE BOOK OF FLOWERS, OH DEAR HEART

- And Beau’s talk to Zuala about being the luckiest woman alive and sacrifice.... 😭  

- PLANTING FLOWERS AT ZUALA’S GRAVE... “NO BETTER GRAVE MARKER” THIS IS MAKING ME SO EMOTIONAL, I KNOW I’VE SAID THIS A LOT THIS EPISODE BUT THIS TRULY IS SO BEAUTIFUL

- So... I may or may not be crying again

- Shadowgast with a steel chair??

- Caleb’s plan for saving his parents... it’s clear he has thought of this so much, oh my darling love  😭

- Caleb burning down his chance to change his past is so symbolic and something he really needed to do, it does make me emotional though

- The other book was him writing to his parents?? Oh bby boy  😭  

- While I would have loved for Caleb to open his own magic school (especially with Essek, or the Mighty Nein, or someone else as well), I am so pleased that he stays with Veth and that their friendship continues for the rest of their life because again: they mean so so much to me, and in a way they remind me of me and my biological brother (which I never realized before this episode) and yeah. They just make me Emo

- Also. Caleb being a professor was my Number One Endgame Hope for him and the fact that it came true is just so surreal in the best way possible. I’m so used to being robbed of happy endings. The fact that the Mighty Nein all got theirs makes me incredibly happy. A story does not have to be sad to be impactful. Happy stories and happy endings, especially during a time period of tumultuous real life circumstances, have just as much value and meaning and they always will. Caleb is teaching the next generation magic, and he is teaching them to be Good, and he is nurturing them, and that just means so much

- MATT CRYING IS GONNA GET TO ME

- “Let’s do it again” Please, let’s.

- Okay, everyone. I made it all seven hours in one piece with surprisingly minimal tears (though who knows, this might all sink in tomorrow.) I already wrote my thoughts earlier today about how much the Mighty Nein mean to me and how much this show and these characters have kept me holding on during quarantine and today... I’m still not ready to let them go, but I know that I can always revisit to say hello and to say thank you for changing me. Until then though... I love you all more than you could ever know. And for the last time of Campaign 2... is it Thursday yet?

Good night 💗

[seafleece]

Hey, random question, but what do you think are the M9's love languages?

oh, anon, you absolutely did not sign up for this and i am so sorry, but here we are. i had to look up the five types and keep them in the google doc to remind myself what they were, but uhh here’s almost 4000 words of character analysis and discussion of debatable quality

jester: 

my initial thought was quality time— an obvious and painful one, as it’s the one her mother wasn’t able to provide. i think the sleeper, though, for jester, is acts of service. 

with beau, this especially shows up in reference to healing— jester having a more healing-focused cleric around is a big relief, especially for someone so close to warlock status that she almost was one, but very notably, she very much wants to heal beau. she specifically apologizes for not doing so in the chantry, and attributes that to beau’s absence rather than anything else; more generally, there’s a huge amount of distress on jester’s part when beau is hurt, and that she wants to be the one to heal beau (notably, with the gorgon, she RAN to beau, was immediately upset both times beau started getting petrified, and even dissuaded caduceus or caleb from using their turn to heal beau so she could instead, making sure to be Right There even while nott was applying the oil). she also seems to really value the instances when beau does things for her, especially since there are specific acts that beau reserves for jester (engaging with religion in any capacity, wearing a dress for jester and more broadly allowing jester to pick her clothes, a concept which beau probably has an explicitly negative association with from her mother).

it’s also muddled jester up the worst when it comes to relationships she understands less— the “kiss” with fjord in the temple that was a vehicle for giving jester air, most specifically, comes to mind— and she’s really come to terms with this by realizing that romantic feelings weren’t really what he was expressing, and that it wasn’t necessarily what she was feeling, either. it’s noticeable in how she describes her relationship with the traveler— she feels like her service to him is doing little things for him, and asks, when she’s unsure, when the traveler failed to act on her behalf when they were kidnapped, if she did something wrong to make him angry, and literally desecrates a temple to make up for it as soon as they’re back in town.

and the thing is, quality time isn’t really what was lacking in her relationship with marion— marion probably did have time to spend with jester for at least a little while every day. the problem is that marion simply couldn’t provide jester with things that she needed: access to the outside world and companionship. she had to learn from near-scratch how to navigate relationships of varying intensities, and it shows with her initial zeroing in on fjord as an iteration of the dashing sailor her momma told her about, as well as her more slow-burn come to trust and really invest in and love beau, because she’s never had a relationship like that with a girl, and maybe didn’t even know it was something she could have, or something she could want.

jester’s her proudest when she’s doing things for other people, even if they maybe wouldn’t love her doing it if they knew— threatening beau’s dad because she hates that he hurt her, hearing that beau was thinking about leaving and marching in to modify memory a hag, writing astrid a letter because caleb seems like he liked her, asking essek if he likes caleb because caleb seems to like essek, painting yasha’s room in the xhorhaus, finding outfits for everyone. she struggles with how to rein in showing it and thinking first about the potential consequences, and is unsure how to navigate what it means when she’s shown it in return, but it’s messy and heartfelt and sincere. with her mom, she really clearly appreciates when her mom does do things for her— providing a home for her friend’s family, allowing the m9 to stay in the chateau, coming to the party with them despite her agoraphobia. i’m sort of banking on a scene where jester talks to her about it, apologizes for leaving, and reaffirms that it means a lot to her that marion is stepping out of her comfort zone for her.

beau: 

words of affirmation. this is NO DOUBT something her parents didn’t give her, maybe ever. this is baked into her relationship with them— she knew that her father wanted a boy, he probably Told her this, and she wasn’t one. it’s something she could literally never be, an aspect she would be forever resented for, that would tinge everything her father ever said to her. her mother also probably didn’t give her much if any affirmation, as she was trying to police and fix beau’s behavior to avoid thoreau’s anger for both of them, and never properly elaborated to beau that her intention was to keep beau from being punished (not that it would have made it okay, for the record). it’s also why her conversation with her parents in 92 immediately threw her off, because for once they actually told her she’d impressed them, that she’d done good, and it’s rough as hell to see that. 

unfortunately, it’s also the thing she’s least likely to get from everyone else unless she’s at her worst, because almost everyone else, including fanon, seems to have profoundly absorbed this idea that beau is rude and abrasive and sarcastic and she’s just. not. she might have been at the start, but she’s always been especially soft with jester, she and caleb are very mutually assured about the sort of affection they show each other, she’s always been either openly flirting with or just sort of tenderly awkward with and trying around yasha, she and caduceus have a fun and pretty peaceful dynamic i always love to see, and we know caduceus, for at least a while, considered beau his favorite. 

then, there’s the characters she’s known for butting heads with the most: fjord, with whom she’s developing a sibling dynamic to rival hers with caleb and really obviously is ride or die for; nott, who used to openly insult beau and just about everyone else, and who is now 1/3 of the chaos crew beau is also in; and molly, whose death was a HUGE turning point for beau in terms of a) taking stock of her morals and how she intended to act on them and b) expressing love for someone so you know they know it, before it’s too late. 

jester seems to see this the most, no surprise there, and dairon also sees a lot of potential in beau not because she’s strong or fast (she’s from a martially focused monastery), but because she’s smart. dairon talks about and to beau very affectionately compared to other mentor/guardian figures she’s had, and i think it means a lot to her coming from both jester and dairon. she certainly returns the favor for both of them.

fjord: 

this one isn’t immediately apparent, so i’m gonna start by talking about the nature of his relationship with caduceus (and see where it gets me). 

okay, i lied, i’m starting with molly.

fjord and molly had a thing. it’s clear in retrospect, and i’ve talked about it, but i think it has to do with where fjord was in his quest to reinvent himself. molly was someone who, for all intents and purposes, had flawlessly become a new person— not necessarily because of a concerted effort to change who lucien was, but a different person nonetheless. fjord wanted desperately to believe that that was attainable for him, and thus saw a lot in investing in molly. molly was a silent affirmation that fjord could really pull this off, could really reinvent himself and be fine.

also, molly was hot. enough said.

caduceus, on the other hand, offered something different. caduceus came along right before fjord’s willingness to help uk’otoa was first tested— fjord rose to the occasion, but the whole time there was someone new along, someone whose faith in his deity seemed assured. assured, that’s something fjord never had.

afterward, he got to see what it meant to believe in a god like that, and he started to want in. caduceus seems like a very honest person— though really, it’s just because m9 doesn’t know the right questions to ask him— and his god is the god of the sea, too, right? fjord really lost a rock in molly the way i don’t think a lot of people realize, and it’s why his swallowing the summer’s dance felt so meaningful. he was keeping a part of molly with him, and i wonder if he misses that part of his falchion. after he lost his inspiration for recreation, he started to put stock into authenticity as the answer, and caduceus as the vehicle. and the wildmother was very accepting, too, took him in like a lost sheep.

where fjord is now, i think he values the covenant (which i realize i actually define later, so if i forget to reorganize these before i post, then oops) in a similar way to caleb. more specifically, though, he decidedly the word owe in talking to beau about the group’s relationship, which, among other things, speaks to acts of service. fjord has work to do to earn his place as a paladin of the wildmother (and a good amount of work to do indeed, if getting trounced by darrow was any indication), and he feels the need to repay caduceus for his help, companionship, and guidance. fjord also gets hurt and KO’d. a lot. i think he takes it on the chin as his role in the group— that’s his job, and he has faith in caduceus and jester to keep him up. they’re not done yet, they haven’t finished serving one another, so beau leaving is of considerable offense (near-mutinous, to be specific).

caleb: 

words MEAN SHIT to caleb, you can tell in the way he talks. everyone remembers the times he’s told nott he loves her, he responds best to beau because i think he really loves the way she talks, he shows his feelings in really passionate speeches to nott, to beauregard, and most recently to essek. there’s absolutely a reason why so many goddamn quotes from campaign 2 are attributed to this dude, and it’s because he monologues like a fucking champ. their group is named after his accent. 

as for receiving love, though, i think it’s a little different. we know from talks that he’s placed a lot of value on the things jester has done for him, and moreover to be herself as someone who gives recklessly, but as far as we know he doesn’t intend to do anything with it. with nott, i’m tempted to create a new category that’s something like a covenant? he and nott agreed to travel together and help each other under the worst conditions, and they’ve stuck to this fastidiously. this covenant, this commitment to the group, is something he extends to everyone— he is not willing to walk away from this, and hasn’t been for a long time, he believes in all of them, truly, what they can do— and cherishes the fact that everyone has kept this, except for two very specific moments. beau, when she introduced the threat of her leaving the party, and yasha, when she was taken over by obann. for beau, he actually seemed fairly quiet compared to fjord, and i’m not sure yet on why this is, other that i think he trusted fjord and jester to talk her down. as for yasha, he seems to be really invested in commiserating with yasha as two haunted ones (literally), and sees her as someone who also really values the group but sees her ability to belong as tarnished by what she’s done. 

for the purposes of this, i’m gonna refer to it as that, as a covenant (yes i’m a failed church kid, what of it) and as separate from acts of service, because it’s more akin to the promise of one major, permanent act of service to each other. i wonder if it’s this steadfastness in that idea that partially led caduceus to continue and develop the idea of his role, because caleb and the rest of team cockroach, as i call them, were gonna keep that covenant if it killed them, and caduceus could keep them from getting killed, at the very least, if he entered into it.

but anyway, that covenant now extends to essek, if he decides to take it. and if he does, that will mean something infinite to caleb, i think. 

caduceus: acts of service.

okay. i wanna talk about caduceus and danger.

caduceus doesn’t heal himself. we know this. he heals everyone else, and not himself. 

i’ve been checking critrole stats on this, and if i’m reading correctly, he has taken the most damage (157) in one episode than anyone else. and it’s not a small margin. the closest is yasha (129) and i’m almost certain that’s from the episode where she decided to literally get attacked until she passed out. i was trying to guess which episode this was from, and then it hit me: probably the episode where he fucking died, right? because it really just never came up again.

caduceus has: started to drown at least 3 times in his first month on the job, been killed by nott, been beaten near to death when yasha was charmed, and been very quietly and very badly stabbed in the back by a disappearing assassin. he’s also died at home, as a family tradition.

there’s a million better meta posts about caduceus’s relationship with death, or even about him not healing himself, but I just want to set it as potential precedent for the idea that caduceus, to some degree, sees value in himself as someone who doesn’t mind dying in a fight. for one thing, it’s been a temporary thing almost from day one with m9, as jester immediately invested in diamonds when they got back to town. it’s not his first rodeo, either, and his family has normalized death to an, and i say this more because of how it’s affected him rather than because i dislike the idea of normalizing death, an upsetting degree.

giving healing, that’s his job, but eliminating himself as someone who needs help or healing, well, that’s healing in a way, too, right? if he doesn’t get healed, it’s more for everyone else. worst comes to worst, jester can heal him if need be. or, y’know. not heal him.

caduceus’s relationship with m9 has noticeable transaction rhetoric, and i wonder where that really fits in with his family. obviously, his role in the family was implied as the one who stayed behind, and his parents definitely imparted a need for him to be stable, a role he’s continued to fill for m9 to his quiet detriment but i think he’s also jumped on the opportunity to finally be the older one, the wiser one, of the group. there’s a power caduceus has over the group that’s really understated— they just sort of listen to him, even if what he’s saying doesn’t actually make sense, because he started with nott, beau, and caleb as a wise savior, a protector, and upon finding the others, it’s not like jester, fjord, or yasha were filling that role. molly certainly wasn’t either— it’s funny, how in retrospect caduceus seems inevitable to the group because they really didn’t have anyone like him. the closest thing to a voice of reason they had was fjord and caleb, and early on, caleb was not in great standing because of his and nott’s perceived standoffishness, and fjord threw up ocean water, so like, what’s up with that, right?

at the very least, he definitely believes he owes the mighty nein something, a role to fill, a job to perform. a service to act out, if you will. his job is to heal, and he does less healing if he heals himself. he seems to view him taking a hit as a win, in a way— it’s a hit that someone else doesn’t take.

i have a lot of hope that reconnecting with his family and seeing how he’s grown while they haven’t allows him to revisit his notions of what he needs to be, and i have a lot of hope that moving forward, he’ll be able to invest more in the other motif he’s developed, which is gift-giving: fjord, with the star razor; his sisters, with the hat (which seems small but like. boy’s had it for a while) and the flute; and, most recently, in helping jester pick out everyone’s outfits. it allows him to feel like he’s giving something to the people he cares about without it hurting him.

yasha: 

truly everything. it’s hard to get a read because yasha really just soaks in all the love m9 wants to give her. if i had to guess further, i’d say we should look at her and molly’s relationship, because molly’s the only character we’ve seen her unabashedly love, and the thing that stood out most to me was physical touch. that echoes really depressingly with her “fight” in 89— she got something out of being that close to someone, even if it felt like reparation or atonement, and i think the only person in m9 who’s been really unafraid to touch yasha is jester.

i’ll admit i have a soft spot for yashter, but, like, it’s there, right? the obvious trust, the faith jester has in yasha and the fear and turmoil when that was tested? i remember really clearly jester giving yasha a piggyback ride in zadash in an early ep, and like— when’s the last time someone was strong enough to do that? when’s the last time someone wanted to do that for yasha? everyone’s mistrusted yasha to some degree for the entire run of the campaign, and, like, how much did her hopes to get close to everyone else just evaporate after the king’s cage? does she really even believe she can have it again? she was so close— jester trusted her fully, she and beau were in a comfortable mutual place with flirting, she’d talked to caduceus and jester about zuala, she even felt comfortable picking up nott and throwing her around (which, by the way, i love their dynamic).

she seems to have leaned more into the protective, threatening stance since they got her back, which, if she’s comfortable with it, is just fine— maybe she’s shifting more towards acts of service, but i just hope it isn’t her just accepting the idea that everyone will always be afraid of her, that she won’t be close like that again. because molly wasn’t afraid of her. jester wasn’t, and i don’t think she is, now— but fjord showed a lot of distrust, and i think yasha’s scared of the degree to which she hurt beau and how to even broach that discussion, and she attacked them, how could they ever forgive her or trust she wouldn’t do it again? 

(i wish i had a happier end to this, so i’ll just say that she did seem comfortable last ep, and that she may or may not have interest in getting a tattoo from jester? interesting stuff.)

veth: 

on a person to person level, veth definitely feels she and caleb are acting on the promise they’ve made to help each other— now she’s reached it, things are a bit more nebulous, but it’s obvious she wants to stick around for him. i’ll admit, her words to everyone in 97 were a bit surprising to me— she hasn’t really been good at conveying emotion like that before unless she’s desperate or really upset, and i imagine it was something she started planning in her head to say to everyone as soon as the first ritual didn’t work. that might be, i think, what she felt as relief, just not being able to articulate what she wanted to say to everyone.

as for her family, veth believes she owes her best self to yeza and luc— she kept herself from them not because she couldn’t have gone back, but because she felt like someone else, like someone worse, and the exaggerated tendencies from her previous life only reinforced this— she didn’t believe she deserved to be around them, before now. before caleb, i don’t know if she had any hope for returning to them at all, and he changed that entirely.

i’m also very interested in why veth is able to reconcile her marriage with yeza as veth with her loving caleb as nott, and if she sort of considers herself as two different people. we’ve seen so little of what she feels comfortable expecting from other people— for now, i’d say acts of service seems appropriate? but maybe something closer to just. fulfilling promises.

bonus: for the other two who are considered part of the mighty nein

kiri: 

words of affirmation. i’m a HUGE kenku stan, anyone who’s played d&d with me knows this, and i’m especially fascinated with the relationship with words when you can only speak the words you hear/remember. on the most basic level, if you speak to kiri, you are giving her a gift, you’re giving her the ability to speak, too. and if those words are affirming, then she can say them back! and you’re giving them to her, in a sense, to use as she pleases and repeat them to herself, even, and i just love that image— her, to herself, saying “i love you” in other people’s voices. i’m ride or die for kenkus, and kiri started it.

essek: 

okay, so almost everyone in the m9 could be read as needing words of affirmation, because it’s so clear that they need more love and knowledge of love than they’ve received, and have found it in each other. essek has quite literally found it in m9 for the first time. he absolutely needs all of these, like, ASAP, but i think it’s what everyone says to him that get him the most. caleb’s speech, obviously, but it’s also them casually referring to him as their friend, it’s jester’s messages, even if he’s busy. it’s important to say, though, that i think it’s a specific type of affirmation: things that have nothing to do with his magic ability (and moreover, any of these gifts that have nothing to do with it). essek’s built his entire life on the idea that he is someone incredibly powerful and smart for his age— m9 are probably the first people to make him feel like he was more than that, because they want to know about the rest of him, and in becoming friends with them, he’s confronting the fact that he doesn’t really believe there is a rest of him. they want to know a part of himself that he at best has neglected and has been neglected by others, and at worst that he believes does not exist. when they talk about him as a friend, it adds to who he can be. he’s seeing, for the first time, that he can exist as someone else than his abilities and his ambition.

i initially started off with words of affirmation and he clearly needs that, but i think he really just needs all of these in a very specific way: he needs to feel love that is not based in merit, that pertains to who he actually is in this life rather than what he can become in the next, that values the life he’s living right now, because he’s not getting that from the dynasty. it seems like a low bar, maybe, to people who only have the one life, as far as we know, but his arc this campaign shows that it really, really isn’t.

[highintlowwis]

Fate-Touched C2 character?

I've been considering this recently, and I'd like the community's input on my theories. I think it is a relatively common assumption that at least one member of the Mighty Nein is Fate-Touched, which can help explain how they get into these crazy situations and why their actions impact the world around them so heavily. I’ve been thinking about who might be the Fate-Touched of the Mighty Nein.

For those who don't know, in Matt's world's a Fate-Touched person is one who naturally causes the strings of fate to gravitate towards them, causing large events to happen around them and causing their actions to have a larger effect than they might otherwise. For example, why did Kylre the Nergaliid go crazy and start creating husks at the ONE circus performance the Mighty Nein happened to attend? The bending of the strings of fate could be the explanation. It can also help explain why this "handful of wandering souls" was drawn together in the first place.

Here's a summary of my personal conclusions on which member of TM9 is the most likely to be Fate-Touched, more in-depth analysis below the cut:

Beau: definitely possible, but she would HATE it

Caduceus: very unlikely

Caleb: Seems like he would be, but is definitely not due to C1

Jester: most likely imo

Veth: probably not

Fjord: possibly, but less likely than Jes or Beau

Yasha: maybe it's fate, maybe it's mystery

Beau: There is definitely some evidence that points towards Beau being Fate-Touched. Before she was even born, her father's deal with Isharnai put her in contact with a huge force of twisting fate. She was already destined to have an unhappy childhood, but then the strings of fate may have pulled her into a different direction. Her father could have chosen to send her off and punish her a number of different ways, but she just so happened to be sent off to the Cobalt Soul, an organization that (though she would refuse to admit it until later) gave her a perfect opportunity for her to grow and flourish. Later, through unknown circumstances, she found herself in the company of Fjord and Jester, coincidentally the day before they met the rest of the group. In the more recent days of the Mighty Nein, she has become an extremely influential Face of the group, and has been able to sway the minds and actions of powerful figures in the world. However, I feel like Beau would really hate the idea of being Fate-Touched, which could be a very interesting thing to watch her explore and come to terms with.

Caduceus: Cad seems like the least likely to be Fate-Touched to me. Firstly, he didn't join the Mighty Nein until later, so that wouldn't explain all their strange encounters early on. In addition, he is an incredibly passive person by nature and generally seems more happy to go with the flow of things and observe the world, tampering with it as little as possible. Though he has an incredible calming effect and is an integral member of the Mighty Nein, most of what he does tends to be on a smaller scale and more personal than world-changing. 

Caleb: If you consider C2 as its own entity, Caleb is a very strong possibility. He was a poor boy from a tiny town with almost nothing going for him, except for a strong aptitude for the arcane. The strings of fate brought him to the Academy, where he was able to study for many years, but they also brought him to the terrible and powerful Trent Ikithon, who seems to be the kind of person who would have a finger on many different strings. Since leaving, he randomly met another wandering soul, Nott, who ended up being a perfect complement to him without either of them realizing it. After joining the Mighty Nein, he has been able to influence powerful mages to support and teach them (Yussa and Essek), create entirely new, world-changing spells, and literally return a religious artifact full of souls to it's rightful home. However, (C1 Spoilers) since Vax was Fate-Touched, it seems unlikely that Matt would choose another one of Liam's characters. It seems a little unfair to the other players and puts a lot of pressure on Liam again. If that weren't true, Caleb would 100% be my pick for the Fate-Touched of the group.

Jester: Jessie is my personal guess for the Fate-Touched. As Caleb said, she has the ability to change people. At a very young age, Artagan, an incredibly powerful and ancient entity from another plane of existence, was drawn to her even though she rarely left her hotel. A young girl, who had no friends other than her mother and Bluude, literally created a cult and facilitated the rise of a demigod. Unknowingly, she impacted the lives of hundreds of people presumably across the entire world, all of whom were brought under the banner of the Traveller. In addition, she is the one who brought the Mighty Nein together. She met up with Fjord in the Menagerie Coast, it is likely (though not confirmed afaik) that she initiated contact with Beau, and she was the one who began speaking to Caleb and Nott in the tavern and invited them to attend the carnival as a group. Since being in the Mighty Nein, she has gained the respect and support of a major crime lord, gotten kidnapped by a group of human traffickers, and conned an ancient hag into freeing her friend. It would be very fun to watch her embrace her role and use her influence as a Fate-Touched to wreak chaos onto everything she touches.

Veth: I don't think it is too likely that Vethis the Fate-Touched. There are a few large events that could be explained by it, such as her family in particular being kidnapped by the goblins, meeting up with Caleb, and her husband being the one chosen to work on the Beacon. However, though some large events have occurred around her, none of her actions have had quite the weight that a Fate-Touched would have. As evidenced in her offer to Isharnai, she thinks on a smaller scale, and for her the world is only as large as the people she loves; outside of that, she has no interest in impacting fate or the lives of others.

Fjord: Fjord has a few points towards being Fate-Touched, but it's not as likely for him as it is for others. First of all, he was one of very few chosen of Uk'atoa. To have an ancient, powerful Titan from another age take an interest in you definitely could be a result of the bending of fate. In addition, randomly finding the Cloven Crystal Eye of Uk'atoa could be more than a coincidence. Another recent, strange "coincidence" is the connection of the name Stone to the sister family of Clay. There has been a lot of speculation on what this could be about, and if there is any meaning to it, and Fjord being the Fate-Touched could definitely give some explanation. Personally, I would love to be wrong and see Fjord given this gift and responsibility, as he is my favorite of the Mighty Nein, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Yasha: Our friendly neighborhood barbarian has a few pieces of evidence to point towards her being Fate-Touched, but many of these could also be explained away by a yet-to-be-revealed aspect of her backstory. There is still a lot we don't know about Yasha and her past, so nothing can be assumed. Firstly, Obann found her and made her a part of the Angels of Irons, a cult which consisted of incredibly powerful figures including ancient, (almost) unkillable champions of evil gods. Then, she was saved and brought under the protection of the Stormlord, gaining his favor. The most compelling piece of evidence comes from Obann's explanation of how he chose the members for his cult: they were all unkillable, so they could perform the deadly ritual to break the chains. Yasha believes this means it may just be easier to ressurect her if she dies, but we have not gotten any more explanation about it. This draws a strong parallel to the temporarily unkillable Fate-Touched of C1, who was kept alive by their god for a very specific purpose.

So yeah that’s how I’ve been spending quarantine, theorizing about esoteric ideas of fate for fictional characters because I miss them. Thoughts? Counter-arguments? Questions, comments, concerns? 

[czechforrain]

CR Quarantine meta thoughts

So I thought I’d give a quick approximation of where I am with Critical Role and where I think C2 will go and where the characters still have to go before the campaign comes to a close. 

In order name-wise

1. Beauregard 

As of right now she seems to be in not the best place. Her major goal along with Caleb’s for the last 40 chapters was to bring an end to the war. Now that there’s an uneasy peace, she’s partially conflicted on what to do next and how the people behind this war should face justice and whether the costs of that could outweigh the risks. She also wants to tell jester about how she feels and her apprehension to this seems to be based on her self worth. This came up again as a result of visiting her father and she seems to think that she could lose everything and go back to being an outsider without a place again. There’s also her old girlfriend who was arrested that the party might run into. Not to avoid mentioning, Yasha and her having some feeling toward each other before E69 and how her returning may complicate her feelings with Jester. A lot of moving pieces. How she deals with her feelings and her family is something I’m definitely interested in. 

2. Caduceus 

Caduceus is currently finding his purpose in helping others find theirs and seems to be committed until some arbitrarily defined point where everyone seems fine off on their own. I do think part of him will realize that he’s not beholden to these people and that he doesn’t owe them anything and they like him for who he is. I think he knows this subconsciously but he’s a very duty driven man and it’ll be interesting to see how this changes when he realizes the M9 have developed over time and might not need him but still continue to want him. There’s also still the grove and whether what he has done is enough to save it. This remains to be seen and might be handled more towards the endgame depending on how powerful the source of the corruption is. 

3. Caleb 

Caleb seems to have progressed a lot on overcoming his desire to change fate. He straight up mentions “ you can’t change the past” in talking about personal compliance in causing harm but I don’t think he’s completely over the ideas of going back in time and erasing his sin from happening. He’s certainly much more comfortable with where he is now and has found himself a family again. His main goal right now still seems to be finding away to bring the Cerebrus Assembly (or more accurately the bad seeds in the assembly) to justice without jeopardizing the unsteady peace they’ve won. This seems to be leading into Mighty Nein Navy Seals Vigilantism but might involve a ton of investigative journalism as well. I have no doubt that his plot hook and that of his former organization will continue to play a big role in the story going forward. The extent he can change the organization and possibly even turn his childhood friends away from the path of trent is another interesting side plot. The same goes for his buddy Essek and how he decides to react to Caleb wanting him to make amends for the mistake he’s made. 

4. Fjord

Fjord is a super interesting character especially when comparing him before and after the Pirate Arc. A lot of people, for clear reasons, separate Fjord’s attitude based on when he lost his accent but to me his change in personality came a bit earlier than that. His role as a character for the Mighty Nein early on was as one of the faces, the badass Texan smooth guy who was able to get what he wanted generally easy and was afraid of flexing his martial might. This kind of escalated a bit, one of the moments which really stuck with me was when he cut off Algar’s hand after he already had him beaten. It’s mentioned by Fjord later on that he found himself using more power / violence as a short cut to get where he wanted and that he feels he started to cheat himself by doing so. Once they ended their pirate adventure, Fjord seemed like he took more of a backseat with his role as a leader in the group and I think part of that was due to him questioning if he really deserved to be a leader. This also tied in with him questioning whether following Ukotoa was the right choice and his realization he couldn’t game the system and earn powers with nothing expected in return. This culminated in him renouncing Satan...I mean Uka’Toa and following the Wildmother as a paladin. Since he has done so he’s starting to act more reasonably and less impulsive when there’s a possibility of conflict. He’s humbled himself and I think he feels it’s more freeing than what he was before he changed as a person. The one thing that has accompanied this though is a string of combat misfortunes (due to dumb luck) which is a neat perpendicular to his personal growth. He feels more free and more himself but he may feel weaker than he did when he was putting on a mask. I don’t think this will lead to him having second thoughts as a Paladin but I think it’s building up to him eventually assuming a larger role asa leader once he truly realizes that he can be both himself AND great. Caduceus has mentioned this before about ‘one day someone will ask for a miracle and you’ll be there to help’ and I cannot wait for the moment where Fjord is able to get a HDYWTDT and be generally badass in his New Voice and prove to himself that he had nothing to worry about. 

5. Jester

Jester is my favorite version of a cheerful but awkward person, earlier on she kind of had me worrying about how much trouble she’d get them into but I over time realized that she has control over what she does and when she’s chaotic randomly vs when she has a purpose behind it. Case in point, the Cupcake Scene which was excellent and super risky but really paid off. Right now she’s dealing once again with how she feels as a disciple of the Traveler and the revelation he’s not a god revealed to her right before Travellercon. Now she’s kind of wondering what to do with several other devotees and what even will happen with him in the future regarding his divinity. I’m very interested in how this event will shape out and if there’s any 3rd party intervention into the story that will occur at this place during the time. It just seems like a narrative point where Matt could reveal something huge. But then again everyone expected fireworks at the meeting at Sea and cooler heads prevailed so maybe everything will work out swimmingly. Anyways I can’t wait to see what her next journey is after Travellercon, it will probably involve her dad and mother and may involve Darktow and is sure to not be predictable. There’s also her romance options but there’s a myriad of ways that could go and everyone else on tumblr has mentioned it so I’ll leave my peace there. 

6. Veth

Veth essentially got exactly what she wanted and there’s no grand reason for her to stick around besides her enjoying the company of these people and possibly something similar like Caduceus’ “To the end of the road” type thing. She loves her family obviously the most of all, which was most pointedly seen when she insulted Caleb and blamed him for what happened to her husband after being super supportive of him for the first 49 episodes. I think she still has a lot of growth to do as a character and there might be an avenue with her prejudices. Someone else on here has mentioned it before but basically, Veth is kind of a suburban wine mom who believes a bunch of stereotypes and has a “us vs them” type of mentality. That’s one possibly route for her to go if she decides to stick around for awhile. It is possible a huge event is around the corner that throws Wildemount into disarray and requires her to stay for awhile but we’re currently in a limbo where her leaving after travelercon would make sense. 

7. Yasha

Yasha is right now in a bit of a floating period. She really wants to make up for her role in Obann’s schemes even though it’s not her fault. She had a heart to heart with Caleb where he basically told her the pain never really goes away but it can be eased by the company by the company you keep. So her redemption can be pretty open-ended. I really want to see her wings again and please let them be white and feathery, I would love it. There’s also the possibility of her wife being alive / them running into her old tribe, with the boss behind it still being alive and there being some sort of conflict like how Grog had his issues with the Herd of Storms. Ashley is a full time member for the first time so hopefully there’s a lot to do with her on the cards and we get to see more juicy fireside interactions with the Nein.