#but for now i’ll just shove that thought aside and call it the funky little word in my brain

[oxymoronicdumbass]

sometimes i get these thoughts that i think are universal, and then i think “wait that’s not universal, that’s just a symptom of ocd” and then i shove that thought aside entirely because i don’t feel like dealing with that right now

[jinmukangwrites]

@liccy, sliding into my dms, giving me a list of prompts with the demand I wrote more Dragged Away like some sort of mad lad. Liccy, I love you so much, I hope this is proof of that lmao. I actually sort of forgot about Dragged Away again, but every time I remember it I am reminded of all the deliciously sinister plans I've made for it. This is longer than a drabble, because a continuation for Dragged Away requires it. I'll add a keep reading later. Enjoy liccy ya sly funky artist you. 💕

89) “Why hasn’t anyone looked for me yet?” “Because they don’t care about you like I do.”

-o-o-o-o-

Hyrule doesn't know how long he stays like that. Laying there. Pathetically. Curled up as much as the chan and shackle will allow, wallowing in his fear and misery. Shivering the in cold of the cell.

He hoped not for too long, but his frightened mind doesn't look always allow him to keep perfect track of time. Eventually, he does manage to remember that his brain is connected to a body. With a deep breath that's come from years of practice, he calms his heart down and forced his legs to move.

He's vulnerable laying down like this. He needs to not be so vulnerable.

He breathes. And breathes. Connecting strings in his mind that he hasn't thought he needed anymore. He thought he was done with all this blood sacrificing nonsense. Last time it was horrifying, but he survived it. He lived. Shoved it under the rug like the trauma was nothing more than dust and tried to move on.

And he's back to this again.

He cannot be vulnerable. He has to be calm. It doesn't bother him.

He's not scared at all.

He eventually finds himself sitting on his hind end, knees drawn up slightly. He wishes he could stand up, but the clinking of his short chain reminds him of how easily he was defeated last time he was standing was much as the chain allowed. It will do him nothing to stand up, haunched over like some whethered old laborer. At least, from sitting in this position, he can kick.

Shivers wrack his frame and he glares down at the stone floor below him. Six days. Six days and whatever this blood moon is will come and they will use his blood to bring back Calamity Ganon. A monster... alike to Hyrule's own version of Ganon. Hyrule doesn't want to be the cause of any version of Ganon returning to life. He'd much rather die, in fact.

And it's just... It's shitty that dying is the issue here!

He sits there, ignoring the hardness of the ground on his tailbone, and hopes the others are coming.

And quickly.

-o-o-o-o-

Hours must pass.

He's not sure, especially since the only contact to the outside world he has from his little radius in the middle of the floor is the bars in the prison cell door. But they don't lead outside. All he can see from here is brick, sandstone wall and the flickering of a torch. There's no window here. No sunlight. No way to be sure.

But, regardless, hours must pass before something changes.

It's when he's finally been forced to shift so he's cross legged on the ground in an attempt to relieve some pressure on his tailbone that shadows cross outside the door's window. Quickly, Hyrule untangles his legs and glares at the door as it opens with a heavy sliding of metal.

The figure that walks in is just like the rest. It's impossible to tell them apart, but maybe that's not so bad. It's impossible to tell apart normal monsters. Maybe, if these whackos all look alike, that lingering worry that they're human won't bug him so much. The soldier is carrying a tray with some sort of mush in it, and they set it down on the ground just out of Hyrule's reach before straightening and bouncing slightly on the balls of their feet.

"Well?" The monster with a human voice asks.

And Hyrule realizes that they won't bring the food any closer. Hyrule glares, tempted to argue that he's not hungry because for all he knows it could be poisoned or laced with something... But his stomach growls and he thinks that if they wanted to poison him, they could easily do so without having to drug his food. Besides, he should save his strength.

With as much dignity as he can muster, he scoots over as far as his chain will allow and uses the heel of his foot to catch onto the edge of the tray, watching the (Yuta? Yaiba? Gah whatever) solder wearily. They don't make a move to attack him when he's stretched out vulnerable like this. He quickly curls back anyways, dragging the tray with him and glaring the entire time.

"I don't have all day," the soldier says as Hyrule stares down at the mush wearily. He sighs and dips two fingers into the thick mixture, wincing slightly at the texture, and brings out a scoop. He takes a deep breath and... it's not that bad actually. The texture is just as icky as he thought, but the taste is banana. Kind of pleasant, mushy weirdness aside. Better than what he was expecting.

He quickly eats the rest of the banana mixture, licking his fingers and slowly placing the bowl back into the tray when he's all done. When the soldier tilts his head and taps his foot, Hyrule sighs and kicks the tray out so it's out of his range. The soldier beds down, picks up the tray, gives a mock solute, and then walks out of the cell with all the swagger and confidence of a rich moblin in a cave.

The cell door closes and Hyrule scoffs, curling slightly and licking between his gums and cheek to get the rest of the flavor stuck back by his molars.

Any minute now guys. A rescue soon would be great.

-o-o-o-o-

More hours pass, and Hyrule cannot for the life of him figure out how much passes exactly. He busies himself picking at the shackle, then the chain, then the plate of metal in the ground that the chain is connected to. There's no imperfections. No wiggle room. His wrist feels a little rubbed now, and the corners of the metal itches. His tailbone hates him. Sleep is tugging down his eyelids but the constant anxiety in his chest making it impossible to even flirt with the idea. He looks at the back of his hand where the Triforce should be and he wonders if it's left him without letting him know first. Not that it matters, he's always known he was unworthy. He's done more harm than good it feels in his time. He's killed Ganon but the world fell further apart anyway.

He sighs and picks at the shackle again.

-o-o-o-o-

They bring more banana mush just as hunger is beginning to tug at his stomach again. They don't talk and Hyrule doesn't talk to them. The only difference between this time and the last is that this soldier doesn't force him to lower himself by tugging on the chain like a dog to get the food. They, instead, walk right up and drop it, causing some of the mixture to splash out. Hyrule remains stubbornly silent as he eats what's left in the bowl, and instead of handing the bowl back like the solider must be expecting, he hurls the bowl past them and out the cell door.

The soldier smacks him across the head, not painfully so but in a way that shows their annoyance, before they pick up the tray and practically stalk out with steam rising from their shoulders. The door clicks shut and Hyrule tries not to let himself panic at the grumbling words he hears as they walk out.

"We'll see about him getting any food tomorrow."

-o-o-o-o-

Hyrule's bored and hungry. Enough so that he hardly even noticed that he passed out until he was blinking awake on his side. He slowly and cautiously rises so he's sitting again, wincing as his spine protests and his wrist twinges. His stomach growls and all he can do is sit there and trail his finger in the dust of the stone until something happens.

Nothing does. He's beginning to think the threat was real, and if today is a new day he won't be getting any food during it.

-o-o-o-o-

"Why hasn't anyone looked for me yet," Hyrule whispers to himself, staring at the picture he's spent quite a long time drawing out in the dust. It's all messy lines, but the face does look vaguely like Legend. He misses Legend.

"Because they don't care about you like I do," a familiar voice says. Hyrule's breath catches and he looks up with wide eyes before he can stop himself. Standing outside the window of the cell door is the same old white mask, but the voice... the voice he knows. It's the same one who came to him before and forced him to kneel while he called Hyrule pathetic and week. He'll never forget that voice.

Hyrule forces up something that feels fake but looks like courage and glares at the enemy. The man just snickers and opens the cell door, holding a tray with a bowl. Hyrule's stomach growls against his will and Hyrule's sure by the way the soldiers wiggles his shoulders ever so slightly, he's smirking under that mask.

"Hope you're hungry," he says. Then, with a cruel voice, "because I don't actually have anything."

The tray and bowl clatters to the ground and nothing splatters out. Hyrule curls his hands into fists.

"They'll come," he says, that fake-but-feels-like-courage in his voice.

The soldier scoffs and kicks the bowl to the side. "They would have by now if they cared. That damn hero knows where this place is, and our patrols haven't seen anyone yet. Perhaps they're just caught up?"

Hyrule snarls and goes to stand up, forgetting about the short chain until he's stopped short. "They'll come," he repeats, not allowing the words of the enemy to affect him. "And you care for nothing."

"Oh, but I do care for you, you little mouse," the soldier says, folding his arms. "You're useful to me. But to them? You've just proven yourself that you can't protect yourself long enough to not get captured from cult fanatics. They don't care about you. I'm the only one who will be caring about you until the Blood Moon rises once again and our master returns."

"It's not real. My blood won't being anything back," Hyrule bluffs, hoping it's convincing. "Whoever told you are lying."

"Eh, either way, in four days you'll be dead," the soldier says, shrugging. "So it doesn't really matter, am I right?"

Hyrule doesn't indulge him with an answer.

"My point exactly. Now," he claps his hands together, "look, as much as you think we're cruel, we actually want to make sure you're not half dead already from starvation and thirst when your heroic sacrifice comes around. We gotta make sure you're blood will be nice and healthy when we spill it, so you gotta work with us kid."

Hyrule feels something in his face twitch. Anger curling in his gut right next to the anxiety.

"We can get some steak in here even, if ya want, all you gotta do is apologise."

"For what," Hyrule grinds out.

"For throwing the bowl, silly!"

"Fuck you."

Perhaps the bravest and stupidest thing Hyrule's said in the past two days—Hylia, has it really been 48 hours?

But for all his (fake) bravery, the soldier just shrugs. "Alright, we'll talk tomorrow."

He then turns away and walks out the cell, leaving Hyrule to slowly sit back down and lower his head into his hands. Alone to do nothing but ignore his pulsing tailbone and smarting wrist.

Alone to sit and fight off terrified tears.

[fletchphoenix]

Dog Days Are Over

Hiya!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chapter four!!! okay, I love y’’all, thank you for your support and onwards with the chapter! 

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  It was Friday and, just to rub salt in the wound, the last period was an English exam. Just what Hugo needed when he was looking forward to a weekend of luxury and working on Olivia. His paper sat in front of him, the lines for answers sitting blank as he thought hard about his responses. His eyes grazed across the desk, noticing a small pen drawing in the top right corner, a smile gracing his face. He knew who’d drawn it immediately - Varian.

  He hadn’t seen the other boy since they almost...yeah. He didn’t want to think of that and make his face flush in the middle of an exam about Romeo And Juliet, thanks. Still, the other had been supposedly avoiding him the whole time since the incident and he didn’t understand why. Honestly, the lack of hairstripe’s presence in his life was making him feel kinda lonely and combined with his sudden conclusion that he was head over heels for him..he’d kinda concluded he must’ve done something wrong and put the boy off. A cough and a clock tick prompted him to get back to work, Mrs Crick gazing at him before turning back to her book.

  His index finger of his right hand absentmindedly and subconsciously traced his finger over the marking on the table as his left hand wrote furiously with a soft smile. He’d really fallen hard for the other boy in the short time they’d known each other, that time exclusively spent studying chemistry. He was intoxicating - one bit of the boy left him needing more and more. In all honesty, he was lying when he said he didn’t understand his part of the project just so he could spend time with the other. He’d intended to ask him out on a date or something, but he chickened out last time. On the bed. And then Varian hadn’t spoken to him since. Did Varian even like men? Huh. He hadn’t taken that into account. With his pen, he began to draw a little him on the desk beside the little stick man Varian had drawn of himself.

 He could tell Varian was lying when he said he’d kissed “many, many ladies”, because..who the hell says that? However, it wouldn’t be Hugo’s first time crushing on a straight man (honestly, virtually everyone in this hellhole was straight, so curse the universe for placing him here) and he was too much of a coward to ask. It’s not as if he could just say “Hey Varian! I am deeply in love with you and wanted to know, are you gay or not?”. That would scare him off more than he already had. Maybe he could just..take him out? Take him somewhere nice to just talk for a while and see where it went. Yeah! He could be so smart sometimes, he praised himself with a grin. Finally the bell rang, he handed in his paper and sprinted down the hallway towards the exit of the school. He hoped he wasn’t too late - he was sure Donella would let him borrow the bike for the night. Now all he needed was his date.

-----------------------------------------------------------

  It felt like forever - though at last the weekend had dawned on them. The blessed days seemingly took their sweet, sweet time to arrive, teasing Varian the longer he had to wait. It was agony to have to wait so long for a break. But a weekend meant no school, no stress, no teachers..and best of all..

  No Hugo.

  Varian let out a sigh of relief at that fact. Thank god he didn’t have to see the other after their..awkward farewell a few days prior. He honestly didn’t know what was going through Hugo’s head or what he was trying to do. Was it a joke? Was he just trying to freak Varian out or something? Or did he really...no. He wouldn’t. He couldn’t. In his eyes, they were sworn enemies and all Hugo did was tease him all the time. There was no way Hugo could actually like him, Varian reminded himself as he strolled out of the school and along the sidewalk before hearing a familiar voice yell his name. Brilliant.

  “Hairstripe! Hey, wait up!” Hugo called from behind him, the other slowing his pace to let the blonde catch up. Ugh, of all the people it could’ve been - Nuru, Zander..hell, even Isla. It had to be Hugo Atkinson. Hugo Atkinson who became his rival and was making him extremely confused with his feelings towards him with every single movement he made. “I thought I’d lost you, aha..”

  “What is it, Hugo.” Varian asked, admittedly sounding more annoyed than he’d intended. 

  “Geez, no need to be so rude, hairstripe. I was gonna ask if you wanna go out with me tonight. I’ll pick you up at 6 and take you somewhere nice - my treat for putting up with me for the week. Yeah?” He asked, no sign of ill intent in his face. Varian examined his face. Hugo did seem to be genuine with what he was saying, and it would be nice to spend some time with him..even if he was his rival and Varian was meant to hate him. His head entertained the thought for a moment.

  “Yeah, sure. Don’t be late.” Varian replied before continuing to walk down the street. He didn’t turn around to catch the sight of Hugo silently cheering to himself and doing a funky little dance in the middle of the street at Varian’s response before racing home to get ready for their unofficial ‘date’.

----------------------------------------

  True to his word, Hugo showed up at 6pm sharp, a bouquet of flowers in his arms for Rapunzel consisting of an assortment of purple flowers, which she took gratefully. He looked kinda handsome too, his fringe slicked back though still in its regular ponytail. “Oh Varian! Hey!” he called out, a smile plastered on his face. Varian felt kind of bad..he’d put absolutely no effort into his appearance aside from brushing his hair for a few seconds, but Hugo...he’d gone all out. Varian nodded, walking down the stairs to stand beside the taller boy. “We won’t be too long, ma’am.” Hugo commented, gesturing towards a grey motorbike in the driveway.

  It looked beautiful the closer they got to it, small dents and patterns over the bike more clear as he strolled closer. Hugo tossed a helmet over to Varian, a smirk on his face. “She’s a beauty, isn’t she? Fixed her up myself. And don’t worry, I know how to ride one of these things, but always wear a helmet, sweetheart.” he said smugly, “Though, you might wanna hold on tight.” he added as a second thought, swinging his leg over to sit down and letting Varian’s arms wrap around his waist as he revved the engine and starting to drive.

  Varian laughed, exhilaration and adrenaline taking over and running through his veins as they sped through the city and past houses. Even though Varian had no idea where they were going, he shuffled closer and closed his eyes happily. This was beautiful, the sun setting in the distance as they drove. It reminded him of Cassandra, well, when she lived here before she moved away with her girlfriend Irene. He had to admit they were a cute couple, but he missed Cass dearly. She could’ve at least come to visit sometimes. He let out a contented sigh, his head resting against Hugo’s back as they drove.

  Hugo, on the other hand, smiled as he felt Varian’s head rest against his back. Everything was going great so far - now all it had to do was stay like that. Or preferably get better. Either one would be perfect. Pulling into the beach parking lot, he swung his leg back over the bike and let his hands move to Varian’s hips, steadying him as he followed suit. “Woah there, freckles. Easy.” he muttered before taking Varian’s arm and gently pulling him along. He stood, his feet in the cold, salty water before he shot a mischievous grin towards the boy beside him. “Hey V.” he yelled, splashing the other and running. Varian gasped and chased him, tackling the other in the salty water and laughing as it soaked them to the bone. The pair stood, Hugo heading towards a bag he’d dumped on the shore and taking out two towels, carefully wrapping one around Varian and the other around his own lanky body before taking a seat on the sand and bringing Varian closer for warmth. TOTALLY not to cuddle.

  They sat together, cuddling together for warmth and watching the colors of the sky blend into a beautiful sunset as both of them joked and laughed between them. Varian’s face flushed in embarrassment as Hugo cackled at his secret he just admitted. “Wait wait wait, let me get this straight. You-you created a whole new element. Like, a legally qualified element..and named it after your crush?!” Hugo asked between snorts of laughter, doubled over and smiling widely. Varian’s face twisted into a frown as he looked at the other boy.

  “Oh shut up!” Varian shoved him lightly, Hugo pulling Varian along with him as he fell into the sand and thus the play fighting began. Eventually the pair ended up laughing in the sand, Hugo laying over Varian with nothing but adoration in his eyes as the other boy laughed. Varian’s laughter slowly ceased as he stared at Hugo, his cheeks flushed at the intensity of their staring match before hesitantly, his hand moved to rest on Hugo’s cheek and he placed a kiss onto his lips.

  It was a terrible kiss for their first one, the taste of salt filling their mouths as they held each other close. Sand fell out of their wet, salty hair as they trailed their fingers through each other's hair, lost in the moment. It may’ve been slightly awkward and gross, but it felt right for it to be like that. For their first kiss to be initiated through a play fight on the beach as a hue of orange, red and pink swirled in the sky behind them while the sun set. It just fit right - felt perfect to both of them before Hugo broke the kiss and propped himself above Varian, laughter leaving his lips in gentle breaths before he pushed himself up to stand. 

  “I..that was-wow. Okay. I..need to take you back before Eugene tries to kill me.” he chuckled at the thought, helping pull Varian to his feet before placing a gentle kiss to his lips. Short and sweet, but telling Varian everything he needed to hear. Varian nodded and returned the kiss before heading towards the motorbike quietly, the towel still wrapped around his shoulders as they walked. 

  The ride back felt way too short, Varian hesitating before he ran inside. Silently, he turned around and placed a kiss to Hugo’s lips one final time. “Thanks for the night out. It was perfect.” he whispered with a smile before jogging inside, still wrapped in the towel with the new addition of Hugo’s jacket on his shoulders. As he walked upstairs, he sighed happily and a hand drifted to his lips. Wow. That really happened just now. He really just kissed his ultimate rival. A bubbly feeling built in his stomach as he leaned back against his bedroom door to close it, Ruddiger staying far away from him due to the salt and sand that covered his body. 

  He was in love.

  He was in love with Hugo.

[anony-mouse-writer]

Statement of Saan Hurst regarding a librarian. Statement taken direct from subject, 9th October, 2019.

I always loved the stillness of libraries when I was a kid. There was always a kind of perfect silence that just settled me even when I was anxious or upset. Like a little bubble of perfect calm in the unrelenting storm of life. 

Nowadays, libraries aren’t really that quiet though- there always seems to be something happening. A study group or someone on the phone or a kid running around unchecked. I’m not exactly a letter of the law kind of person, but it’s frustrating to go someplace for peace and then be constantly interrupted. If I wanted to hear someone yelling about how to fix their granny’s computer, I’d just get my work done at the cafe next to my building. 

So when I got a new job at the downtown agency and had to change my route to work, I was hesitant to choose the library I found tucked off the street as my new place to relax. I mean, I guess I could have kept going to the little bookshop I had been, but it was several stops out of my way now, and even if it was a bit loud, I still had a somewhat nostalgic attachment to libraries and the peace I’d found there so often as a child.

It’s a nice place. Small, just shy of being cramped, actually, but the kind of cramped that comes from shoving bookshelves into every available meter of space. There’s three chairs, one in the front by the window and two in the back between shelves. There’s a lot of strange books there, nothing too odd, but certainly not the endless line of repeating covers of whatever the latest hot novel is like other places. Books I hadn’t read before. It was still loud sometimes, but I loved it.

I’d go there after work for an hour or two and just tuck myself away in one of the chairs in the back. I’d have my headphones on to block out sound, but I prefer listening to whales songs or white noise than any real music. It doesn’t distract from the reading that way. Pretty soon, I was a regular and the two librarians who were on staff alternating days- Misha and Clark- were setting aside books they thought I might like for me to check out when I finished with what I was reading. 

Of course, I wouldn’t come here just to tell you about a nice library I found. 

It started sometime around August. Clark came down with Mono and the library hired on a temp to cover for his days. I guess, in retrospect, it seems kind of odd since the place hadn’t even bothered to fix the flick-y light in the bathroom for the last two months, but Misha was just grateful for the help and it just didn’t seem that important a detail. Maybe they’d gotten lucky or maybe Clark had made a recommendation while he was out or something. 

Nobody looked too hard at it when the new temp started, is what I’m saying. 

Misha said their name was Rei. They were pretty nice, a bit distant, but organized. They didn’t set aside any books like the others did and seemed a bit more interested in reading whatever it was that was in the leather-bound books they brought than helping people who came in. 

Sometimes people would come in and peer around the building for a minute before asking me if I’d seen the librarian and when I’d point them out, the person would always start a bit as if they hadn’t notice there was someone behind the desk that was in plain view of the front door. I think I’d have judged them a bit more, except I could kind of see where folk were having troubles.

It’s hard to describe, but it was like trying to look at one of those optical illusions but in reverse. If you glance out of the corner of your eyes, they move, but the minute you try to look at it head on, its back to being a still image. If you weren’t exactly sure where Rei was and what you were looking for, they just didn’t seem to register, but the minute you knew they were there, you felt like a fool for having missed them. It creeped a lot of the newcomers out, but I thought it was a neat trick. Rei didn’t seem to like talking much though, so I never bothered to ask how they did it. 

Around the second week of Rei’s employment there, I noticed that there seemed to be less traffic in the library than usual. I figured it was maybe the AC kicking on, making it just a bit too cold, but nothing that couldn’t be handled with an extra layer. Honestly, I don’t think I would even have noticed except there was a kid who came in every Tuesday and Thursday to mess around in the horror section before her mum came to collect her and horror was right in front of my favorite chair.

Misha seemed a bit worried, but honestly it was a relief. I came to the library to escape and with less people around, it was that much easier to drown out the world with a bit of sound and a book. 

I probably would have been content with that, except in the week after I noticed the growing absence that seemed to settle into the space, more things began to happen. 

Misha started looking tired for one. I was worried maybe Rei wasn’t pulling their weight, but she told me that it was personal, not professional. She just felt tired all the time and hadn’t had the energy to enjoy a night off in a few days. I was worried it might be a bug and told her to take a day off, but when she came back, I swear she looked worse. She said she couldn’t- wouldn’t- stay home unless she absolutely had to. Said her flat was too empty. 

Then there was the temperature. At first, I thought it was the AC being funky, but I realized that it was worse when Rei was on shift. I asked them about maybe turning it down a notch, but they said the library didn’t have a functioning AC. 

That was the first time I’d seen their eyes. They were… cloudy. Not like blind or cataracts cloudy, but literally cloudy. Like when there’s a storm front coming in and the whole sky seems to be moving as it blows in. No irises, no pupil, just endless, gray vapor and nothing.

I yelped and backed away. I’ve seen my share of weird contacts, but this wasn’t artificial. I felt it in my bones that if I looked at their eyes for much longer, I wouldn’t be able to look away. 

I swear they smiled at me when I excused myself and left early. 

Things got… worse after that. 

The chill that seemed to have settled in the library began to follow me around. I’ve never been particularly susceptible to the cold, but suddenly, I couldn’t go out without a full coat, gloves, and scarf. 

Not that I had much reason to go out anymore. Work was getting less and less traffic and there was some kind of bug going around so we were at minimal staff. Cindy, Tomas, and Aayan - my coworkers - all got it, so there hasn’t been any reasons to go down to the pub lately either and it feels… worse when I go alone. I’m not looking to be a sad alcoholic in the corner of the bar at closing.

I tried to go to the library on the days when I knew Misha was there, but she seemed more distant every time I saw her and about a week after I’d looked Rei in the eyes, she told me in a dead voice that she’d broken it off with her partner. Said she just didn’t feel the spark anymore. She didn’t even seem that bothered, and she’d loved Sam more than life. 

I should have tried talking to her more. Tried to figure out what was wrong, but when she looked at me, there was just…. nothing. Like Misha was gone. It was even worse than whatever Rei’s deal was. Looking at her, I could see that she was standing right in front of me, but I’d never felt farther away from another human being than I did in that moment.

I wish I could say I was surprised when Misha vanished three days later, but I wasn’t. I know it sounds crazy, but if you had seen her eyes. I think that whatever distant place Misha had gone to, the rest of her had finally caught up. 

So Rei was now full time until the library could find a replacement which meant that not only were the regulars gone, but there wasn’t anyone new walking in. The library felt like it was closed more often than not with how empty it was. 

I was never a really social person. Making friends is difficult for me and I had just rearranged my life, changed jobs, and spent most of my time at the office, the library, or at home. I’ll socialize with the people in my space just fine and once I make friends, we’ll talk, but it’s hard for me to keep up long distance relationships or engage with new strangers because I’m bored. So with all the coworkers I knew out of the office and without Clark or Misha to talk to, it maybe should have been easy to realize I hadn’t talked to anyone outside of work in 2 weeks, but I’m not surprised I didn’t.

The library was always empty when I went and sometimes I’d look at the darkened lights and empty doorway and I’d think they’d closed for good. Even Rei with their disappearing act was barely there. Not that I wanted to see them. 

It should have been concerning, and I think on some level it was, but on another, it was… nice. The perfect escape from the rest of the world. 

It was just about three months since Rei had come to work when it changed again. I was making my way to the library, trying to avoid the press of people along the sidewalk as usual when suddenly the crowd vanished. I almost tripped as I popped out into the suddenly open air.

When I looked up, there was the library entrance, small and unassuming. But today, instead of the familiar chill, the whole building seemed outright cold. There was only one tiny window, but when I looked, it looked like the window had fogged over, completely white with condensation. 

I thought of moving clouds and knowing smiles and I turned right back around and marched through the empty chill until I found myself back in the crowd and went straight home.

I debated coming here for the whole last week. It’s not like anything that happened was even that spooky or weird. Just some creepy eyes, a missing persons case, and some drifting relationships. But… I called the number Clark gave me for emergencies yesterday and it went to disconnect and I haven’t seen any of the regulars who stopped coming in since Rei came. It’s just- I dunno.

I texted some of my uni friends but the messages never even came up as read. My parents are dead, but I tried to call my godfather. We don’t talk much, but I’ll catch up with him anytime I head near his side of the city. He’s always got his phone on him in case of a medical emergency. Nothing. And when I went into work yesterday, two more of my coworkers were out sick. The two who sit closest to me. 

It’s like everyone I ever knew is gone and I know it’s connected to the library. To Rei. I don’t care who they are or how they did it. I don’t even care why they did it. I just want them to stop. I want my life back. And I want to stop seeing that empty street and foggy clouds in my dreams.

[luminousinthedark]

I know I’m a little late but, Happy Birthday to the APS server!! :D This was actually for another event on there but I couldn’t resist posting this as a gift as well. To add another contribution along with the art, I’ve written a oneshot of a very sleep deprived Marinette and Adrien if you want to check it out! xD

Here is a sneak peak. The rest is below the cut or on Ao3 :3c

https://archiveofourown.org/works/24444775 

“I brushed my hair with my toothbrush this morning.”

Marinette sat smugly in her seat, arms crossed over her chest, thinking she won this round. This felt exactly like the times she joked with Chat Noir on the rooftops. She was sure he would get a kick out of this conversation if he were here.

“Oh yeah? Adrien challenged, leaning on her desk. “Well I washed my body with shampoo instead of using body soap.”

She gaped in astonishment. He grinned in satisfaction, ready to take the victory.

“Tch,” she waved her hand around, clearly not beaten,” child’s play. I almost walked to school still wearing what I wore to bed.”

“That’s nothing to be embarrassed about!” he chided.

She leaned closer, their noses almost touching. “In my birthday suit.”

Adrien’s eyes widened comically while she settled back, taking home the prize of his dignity while he broke composure and blushed heavily.

“I’m sorry,” Nino broke the competitive atmosphere, nearly at a loss for words. “Can someone run by me again, what exactly is going on here?” Bringing a hand up to his mouth in deep contemplation, he studied his two friends. The two promptly ignored him, as they went right back into bantering back and forth, trying to one up the other.

“Nino please,” Alya shushed, her big rimmed glasses barely hiding behind the phone she held in front of her, recording the whole encounter. “Let our embarrassing, sleepless friends do their thing.”

Shaking his head, Nino was about to return to listening to his music when their teacher walked in and began class.

But it didn’t end there.

“I once pounced on someone’s back, thinking they were my friend, when they turned around and was most definitely not someone I knew,” Marinette recounted as she shoved her mouth full of leftover noodles.

Trying not to snort milk through his nose, Adrien spat it out onto the grass underneath them. Wiping his chin, his chuckles ran deep, his lack of sleep really beginning to show.

Nodding her head slowly, Marinette stared off into the distance, reliving the memory. “The look of horror on their face is one I’ll remember, always.”

Pointing his fork at her food, he shot a sly smirk her way, “Sounds to me like they were an impasta.”

She shoved him over into the grass, his cackling gaining volume while he just laid there. His joyous mirth bled over into her annoyed frown, causing her lips to quirk and her own giggles to spill out. “Oh my god, you’re such a funky noodle. Finish your salad so we can head back to class.”

It took a lot of effort and energy on his part, but he was soon sitting upright and finishing off the rest of his healthy lunch.

Taking a moment to pause, Marinette could feel the welcoming hands of sleep gripping the edges of her consciousness, barely there and ready for her to drop her focus at a second’s notice. Pinching herself and slapping her cheeks, she warded away the feeling for now.

“When I first got my phone,” Adrien spoke up, only to be interrupted by a wide yawn, “I hadn’t quite memorized my phone number and gave it to Chloe when she impatiently asked for it.” He chuckled, running a hand through his hair, messing it up. “When she called, some random old guy answered the phone and she shrieked and hung up. Apparently, I switched two of the numbers around.”

Marinette snorted, relishing in her old enemy’s mortification.

Rubbing at his eyes, Adrien yawned once again, settling himself deep into the plush, green grass, facing towards the sun. He reminded her of a cat in that moment; thoughts of Chat Noir completely taking over her lack of logic.

“God, you’re such a cat,” she teased fondly, pushing her empty dish aside and curling up next to him.

Nearly outshining the sun with his bright smile, he turned to look at her through narrow eyelids, a peak of dark green showing through. His blond hair was tousled in every direction. “I have to stay true to my nature, my Lady.”  

“Was that supposed to be another joke?” she yawned, then rubbed at her eyes as well. Nothing and everything was making sense to her now, so she just scooted closer to his side.

“Purrrhaps,” he slurred, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her close to him. She complied easily, feeling sleep ready to claim her.

“You and your...stupid cat puns..silly kitty,” Marinette grumbled, drifting off.

Bellies full, the warm sun shining down on them, with their trusted partner by their side, it caused the two teens to peacefully fall asleep. After not getting enough rest the past week from late night akuma’s and daily life routines, it was enough to make them crash.

“There they are!” Marinette distantly heard through the thick fog of her mind.

There was a rhythmic thumping sound under her ear, coming from her breathing pillow that she snuggled closer to.

Wait.

Her eyes shot open as her body tensed up.

This wasn’t her bed.

Carefully lifting her head, she looked down in panic at just who she was sleeping on top of. But that wasn’t the most alarming thing.

A perfect circle of her drool had formed in the middle of Adrien’s shirt.

Groaning, Marinette dropped her head back onto his chest and wished for the ground to swallow her up.

“Oh my god!” Alya laughed breathlessly, finally reaching them. She then began fumbling for her phone to take a quick photo. “You two are so dang cute.”

Glaring up at her through heavy eyelids, Marinette felt a blazing hot blush encompass her whole face.

“Dudes,” Nino approached and stopped next to Alya. “You guys never came back from lunch and everyone wondered where you were.” He raised an eyebrow, as if he were a parent scolding his children, “so this was more important than class?”

Marinette whined and tried burying her face deeper into Adrien’s shirt, hoping to disappear. This caused him to stir and grip his arms tighter around her.

“Just five more minutes Buginette,” he murmured into her hair sleepily.

It felt as though a lightning bolt had shocked through her system, remembering the conversation they had earlier as they fell asleep.

She was wide awake now.

Marinette squeaked.

"Alright Nino," Alya said with determination, grabbing his shirt and leading him away. "Let's leave these two ‘good friends’ alone,” she emphasized. Nino snickered and shook his head.

It took a moment but then Adrien whispered a curious “wait” as he stilled underneath her.

Gulping, Marinette waited for the inevitable “you’re Ladybug?”

Instead, she got...

“I think she meant very good friends,” he huffed out in a matter-of-fact tone.

She let out a disbelieving snort, groggily sitting up and smacking his chest.

He chuckled, rubbing the area and sitting up as well. “What, did you think I was going to say something else, my Lady?”

Mouth dropping open, Marinette hid her face in her hands and groaned in defeat.

Of course he remembered.    

“Why does my shirt feel all wet?” he asked a second later, assessing the damage. Marinette just wanted to die. “I know people drool over others in a metaphorical way but this is next level.”

Marinette couldn’t help the laugh that burst out of her. “You and your dumb puns,” she chuckled, knocking his shoulder and wanting to wipe that smug smirk off his face. “This is just another embarrassing story to add to my ever growing list,” she sighed.

“It’s not that embarrassing,” he reassured with a smile.

“Yeah sure, getting drool all over the love of your life before you confess isn’t humiliating at all,” Marinette rambled.

Adrien’s head shot up to stare at her.

“...your what?”

[seouledbysisi]

Ambitious Dreams

Chapter Thirteen

Nova nearly fell out of her bed from the banging on her front door. She had been sound asleep. She tended to do that more often now since she was pregnant. This baby was sucking the energy right out of her on a daily basis. She was ready for it to be over. She checked her phone and had five missed calls from Nori. She hurriedly ran to the door cause she figured it had to be her. When she swung the door open she was absolutely correct. Nori was standing in the doorway. “Did you really have to nearly give me a heart attack?!”

Nori pushes her aside and welcomed herself in. “Have you seen any of my messages? Or are you hiding in here because you have seen all of them?”

Nova raised an eyebrow. “What the hell are you on about?”

Nori pulled her phone out and shoved it in Nova’s view. “Somehow someone has leaked that Ash has a baby on the way and they know it’s by you!”

“Who would do that though? Oh my Gosh! He really wanted to release it himself. He’s going to be pissed!” Nova scratched her head and dialed him up. As it rang she prayed that his reaction wouldn’t be terribly bad.

“Hello?” He answered gruffly.

Nova knew then that he was pissed. “So you seen it?”

“Hell yeah! Who the fuck released that info? No one knows but all of us! Like this doesn’t make any fucking sense and now I gotta figure out how to do some damage control. Can I call you back?”

Nova sighed. “Are we all still meeting for lunch? Or you’re not in the mood to be around us?”

Ash took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I’m pushing my frustrations on you. Yeah just meet me at the restaurant.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later. Don’t let this stress you out. They were going to find out one way or another.” Nova tried to make things better.

“Yeah I know. I’ll see you in a little bit.” He hung up quickly.

She could tell that he was shutting her out a little bit.

Nori gave her a small smile. “He didn’t take it well?”

Nova shook her head. “No and he’s probably gonna have a funky attitude at lunch and I’m really not trying to deal with all of that.”

“He’s just disappointed that he couldn’t tell his fans himself. He’ll be okay.”

Nori and Nova pulled up to the restaurant. They decided to meet at a Korean Barbecue restaurant.

When they got to the table Elle, Hash, Changmo, Ash, Marz and Hyoeun were all there already.

Nova knew Ash was pissed so she slid in the seat next to Elle instead.

Ash raised an eyebrow. “Don’t treat me like the unloved stepchild, get your ass over here!” He pointed to the empty seat next to him.

Nova chuckled but obliged nonetheless. “What are we gonna do? I’m already getting message on Instagram about the baby.”

Ash shrugged. “We confirm. The Quiett says that’s the only thing we can do.”

“Who would do something like this though?” Elle asked.

Suddenly a familiar face walked by their table.

Nova tended up a bit. It was becoming way too much Deja Vu happening. She knew that lady. Why had she been running into her so much lately.

“Jinyoung? Is that you?!” The lady stopped and spoke to Ash.

Ash looked up and immediately regretted that they had chose this place to dine at. “Seems that way. How have things been?”

“You don’t seem happy to see me.” She poked her bottom lip out. “That hurts but I’ll look over it. So I guess congratulations are in order?”

Ash gave her a quick smile. “For?”

“Don’t act stupid. I can see her belly plus it’s all over social media. Someone let your secret out the bag.” The lady spoke.

Nova hit Ash’s leg.

“I’m sorry, this is my girlfriend Nova. And just because you read it, doesn’t make it true. It’s not true until it comes from me!” Ash was irritated.

The woman smiled eerily. “Well glad I dodged a bullet. See ya!” She walked off.

Nova was pissed. “That’s the woman I see legitimately everywhere. You know her?!”

“She’s his ex.” Changmo blurted out.

Nova got choked up on her water. “The one who broke your heart?”

Ash gulped. “You could say that.”

“Now I know she’s been stalking me.” Nova revealed.

Elle nodded. “We even saw her at one of my appointments but like how could she know every move you make?”

“I don’t know but it’s too much of a coincidence!” Nova groaned. “She probably released that I was pregnant!”

“How would she even know?” Ash intervened.

“Because she’s been stalking her, duh!” Nori was frustrated.

Ash chuckled. “She’s a bitch but she’s not crazy like that.”

“Tread lightly before you try and take up for her. I know she’s been following me to places. Is that not weird to you?” Nova rolled her eyes.

Ash pulled her into his chest. “I know, I know I know! I’m not taking up for her. It’s just how would she know that we’re involved?”

“Maybe I’m not the only one she’s been keeping up with.” Nova said under her breath. “I don’t feel safe.”

Ash squeezed her closer. “No one is going to hurt you. As long as I’m around you’ll be fine!”

“And I’m ready to throw hands for you at any moment! You can’t fight right now but I can!” Nori threw her two cents in.

Nova chuckled. “I’m glad I have y’all!”

Elle smiled. “I’ll be right back.” She got up to go to the restroom.

Nori locked eyes with Nova and cleared her throat.

“Oh yeah, Hash I have a bone to pick with you!” Nova started.

“Actually we both do. What’s up with you and Elle?” Nori finished.

His eyes widened. “Huh?”

“Don’t huh us! What is up with you and Elle?” Nova blatantly spoke.

“DO YOU LIKE HER?” Nori spoke as if he couldn’t comprehend.

Hash began to cough. “We’ve been hanging out.”

“But do you like her?” Nori asked again.

Hash chuckled. “Where is this coming from?”

“Answer the question! Don’t play with her. If you like her then say that. She’s really soft hearted and she’s starting to get the idea that you’re friend zoning her.” Nova rolled her eyes.

“How are you rushing me when it took you how many months to give Ash a chance?” Hash asked.

Ash eyed him. “Bro, can we not relive that?!”

“I’m just saying!” Hash replied with a laugh.

“That was totally different circumstances though. Elle and you have no issues.” Nova states with a tone laced with a whole lot of attitude.

Hash shrugged. “Maybe I’m shy.”

“Well get un-shy before she moves on to the next!” Nori told him and slapped his arm.

“I got this under control, okay?” He told them and continued to eat.

Nori rolled her eyes. “Sure ya do.”

After lunch they all went their separate ways.

Ash & Nova

He grabbed her hand as they walked around a store similar to Walmart. “Guess what I did!”

Nova looked over at him. “Is it going to piss me off?”

“Probably but I don’t care.”

She dropped his hand and slapped his shoulder. “Well that was rude.”

He snatched her hand back. “I ordered a crib. It’s white. I figured that would work for a boy or a girl. Even though it’s going to be a boy for sure.”

She rolled her eyes. “Whatever. That’s really sweet of you though.”

“I just figured we should start somewhere so why not a place for baby Island to sleep.” He smiled as he grabbed a few groceries for he and the boys house. “So after you have it are you going to your house?”

“Probably.” She stated plainly. She hadn’t really thought about it but she needed to make some arrangement because she didn’t have too much longer.

“Oh okay. Would you want me to stay with you for a couple of weeks?” He became a bit shy. “You know to help you with the baby?”

“If you want. I know you’ll still have a full schedule of activities.”

“I’ll never be too busy to be a father. Okay?”

She nodded.

Elle and Hash

They were walking near the Han River. Suddenly Hash stopped walking. “Why would you think I’m friend zoning you?”

Elle paused and shut her eyes. “What? I didn’t-“

“Yes you did. Why do you think that? I’m not mad just wondering.”

She sighed. “Because I look at how Ash treats Nova and it just doesn’t compare. Even Hyoeun who doesn’t show much emotion at all makes it obvious that he’s very into Nori.” She shrugged.

Hash breathed in deeply. “I’m not used to having a girlfriend. I normally just hang out with females and you know-“

“I don’t need you to paint a picture.”

“I just wanted to explain why I’m like this. I feel like I’d be awkward in a relationship. It’s not that I don’t want one with you it’s just I don’t know how to transition from whatever this is to that.”

Elle shrugged. “With effort. I’m making it okay for you to kiss me, touch me. Spend the night if you want. I’m giving you the green light.”

“But there’s more to a relationship than just that-“

“Yes! There is, just be emotional support for me. Show me that you care. I don’t expect you to be perfect, I just want effort.” She smiled.

He smiled back. “I’m down for trying.” He pulled her into a hug.

They were about the same height so she could look right into his face. “That’s all I need.”

He leaned in and pecked her lips. “Was that okay?”

She nodded. “More of that!”

He kissed her again.

Nori and Hyoeun

They pulled up to his house. He deadened the engine but didn’t get out.

She looked over at him and could tell that something was off. He didn’t smile much anyway but he was different with her. “What is it?” She asked.

He sighed. “I’ve been avoiding this conversation until I had made my mind up...”

She closed her eyes. “You’re breaking up with me?”

He grabbed her hands and squeezed it. “God no! After what I say next though you probably will break up with me.”

Her heart rose into her throat. “The suspense is killing me! Spit it out!”

“I’m enlisting in a few months-“

[tiergan-vashir]

What about a cis woman who has androgynous features and hates it and herself for it? I'd give anything for a more feminine face and not look so flat chested. Is this dysphoria too? Do you have any resources for this sort of problem? It seems silly, but when I see trans women having things like facial feminization surgery or going on hormones and getting breasts that are nice, I wonder if a cis woman who experiences the same pain over her androgynous features is in the same boat..

Aww, anon. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling this way. I wouldn’t say this is gender dysphoria as gender dysphoria is involves a persistent sense of unease and conflict between a person’s physical or assigned gender and the gender with which he/she/they identify.  You are a cis woman who identifies as a woman, but wishes she looked more feminine, which is very different.

I would assess how strong your feelings are and if it’s extremely severe, to the point that your distress causes you to be highly preoccupied with it and it is impacting your school, work, home, etc or and you find yourself hiding away, I would consult a therapist. You may have body dysmorphic disorder.If it’s not quite THAT extreme, the I would say that what you’re feeling and struggling with is still totally valid and far, far more common amongst folks than you might think.  Whether you realise it or not, as a woman you are bombarded all the time with powerful systemic, societal pressures to look, dress, and behave in a certain manner every day - and all of that can really destroy how people feel about themselves.

Shoving the rest of this under a cut for length.

Let me just tell you right now - my breasts are fuckin’ tiny.  I know I literally just asked for advice on binders a few days ago, but I’m an A cup at best. Probably smaller.  The slight, itty-bitty ‘cup’ shape on my flimsy bralettes probably give these non-existent knockers more shape than they really have.  Even though I’m buying binders and what not, on a lazy day, I could honestly just slap some pasties on these nip-nops and call it good. They’re that small.

This is amazing and awesome now that I’m busily trying to minimize their existence as much as possible.  I consider myself genderqueer/genderfluid so some days I’ll be crushed over the fact that I can’t be this tall, jacked, majestic Tiergan-shaped dude, while other days I’ll be fine and dandy with looking like a woman, while MOST days I just want to be the purest manifestation of Gender Confusion Inducement™ in other people.  Me wanting binders over my itty-bitty nublet tiddies is just me wanting to go that extra mile to be flat as a fuckin’ wall.

But when I thought I was a cis woman? I felt crushingly ashamed by them.  

Back then, I didn’t really like myself or how I looked. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror. I HATED looking at myself in pictures. I rarely took selfies, because I thought I was not very attractive.  I thought I was bland and ugly looking.  Society had told me again and again that attractive women looked a certain way, were shaped a certain way, dressed a certain way, etc, and that clearly my unhappiness was based upon the fact that I did not conform to that mold.I thought to be happy and to feel better about myself, I had to double down on the womanliness and become more conventionally attractive. So I’d buy things like massive push-up bras that never felt good, comfortable, and I hated in a desperate attempt to conform. I’d buy these really specific types of shirts and clothes that I didn’t like at all, but thought was what was ‘pretty’ for women. I’d fumble through learning make-up, not because I was interested in the colors, the expression, the creativity, and accentuating my features the way I wanted, but because that’s just what adult women were supposed to do.  I’d buy certain shoes I didn’t really even like, but knew pretty women were supposed to like and wear.

I was trying so damn hard to fit the mold and in the end, it only made me feel worse.  I felt like I was wearing this awkward, uncomfortable shell. People would tell me I was pretty, but I didn’t feel happier. I just felt more miserable, because all this extra emotional and physical labour I was putting into myself just to fit this arbitrary bullshit notion of what an ideal pretty lady was supposed to be like was EXHAUSTING and I didn’t even really like how I looked. I didn’t want to do it all every. single. day of my life.

Realising I was nonbinary was absolutely liberating for me, because I thought  “Well… if I’m not a cis woman and none of the old ‘rules’ matter anymore, …what does handsomeness or beauty actually mean to me?” 

And for the first time in my entire adult life, I defined for myself what beauty and handsomeness truly meant for me.  It was wonderful and liberating.  The first thing I realised was that I didn’t really give a fuck about how big my boobs are. Society did. And BOY HOWDY it was GREAT not giving a flying fuck about that anymore.  I still keep a few bras around for costuming/cosplay purposes, but you could not catch me fucking dead in one otherwise.

I used to hate make-up and find it to be this long, cumbersome chore that I would lose interest in doing every day, but once I got to sit and experiment on how I personally actually wanted it to look on my face - I fucking loved it. I like experimenting with colors and want to play with more. It appeals to the artist in me to play on a canvas even if that canvas is my face.

Fashion as a whole became a wild new experience. I stopped thinking about what I felt pressured to buy because it would make me look a certain way and what I really, really wanted.  I made a pinterest board of fashion goals and pinned every single thing I could find that I liked - regardless of whether it was a man, woman, or theater major dressed up in costume wearing it so I could identify what I actually wanted.  I dyed my hair pink, but got it cut in a more masculine manner and I fucking love the way I look now.

You might be thinking “Yeah, ok, Tiergan, that’s great and all, but I’m not nonbinary.”

But the funny thing I realised was that even though embracing that I am nonbinary led me to this understanding that I could take back my own power and define for myself what attractiveness truly means for me - this was a thing I could have done at any point in my life if I hadn’t been so buried in all those signals from society on what beauty was supposed to be.

I’m not going to sit here and tell you “just accept ur natural self! Don’t change a thing! Body positivity!!!!!” Because: 1) I know when you’re in a place of feeling super down on yourself, that shit doesn’t help at all and just feels extremely inauthentic. 2) I changed A LOT about myself until I was happy with my appearance. I just didn’t change it in the ways that I previously thought I was ‘supposed’ to.

So instead what I’ll say is that if you’re willing and able, I would set aside an hour or two each week to clear your mind, dig deep, and try to visualize a universe in which nothing anyone else thinks about your appearance matters anymore, because YOU are God.  You have a blank slate.  

There is no pressure to look a certain way to be considered beautiful, because you’re God. You decide what is beautiful..  No one in this universe gives a fuck if you have big tiddies, little tiddes, medium tiddies or any kind of tiddy, because right now the universe is a blank slate and all tiddies are created equal in a blank slate.  No one in this universe cares whether or not you have the perfect heart-shaped feminine face or not, because you’ve not told anyone yet what is considered attractive.  You are the decider of beautiful things.

Now imagine that you, as God of this World, descend down to hang with the mortals.  You can’t really change your body without going back to your old weirdo universe back on Earth, but what you can change is your clothes, your hair, your make-up, etc.  Knowing that this universe is yours and you get to decide what beautiful is for yourself, what would you change?  

Remember, you’re God in this universe you’ve made - so you don’t have to impress fucking anybody.  Anyone who says shit to you gets smited or yeet into the sun.  As a god, you get to wear what makes you feel powerful, majestic, and appropriately godlike - what does that clothing look like?  Can you imagine it?  If it’s hard, maybe pull up pinterest and surf around for your god-clothes.  Would you get stylish sneakers or thigh high boots?  Would you get a lady’s power-suit or a lolita dress?  Would you get some neat unique godly jewelry? (If yes, I recommend Etsy. That site is gonna destroy my fuckin’ destory my wallet.)

What’s your make-up like?  Is it tough to imagine?  Pull up another pinterest. Use it to find your god-makeup.  And hey - are you putting this make-up on because it makes you feel GOOD and POWERFUL like the goddess you are, or to impress the mortals? Because again - you’re god. You don’t have to impress jack shit. This make up is for YOU and what makes you feel GOOD and POWERFUL and GODLIKE.

Do you still care about having bigger boobs? (Did you know a fuckload of actual supermodels and Hollywood actresses have small tiddies? So even in THIS universe, you don’t need big boobs to be beautiful!)  Do you still feel unhappy that your face is kind of androgynous according to the dumbasses back in the vastly inferior universe you originally came from?  Or do things in your universe where you’re god feel pretty great?  I hope so, because gods don’t really have time to worry about the funky assumptions of mere mortals. You’re too busy being fabulous and doing godlike shit.

Hope this sort of helps!

[the--blackdahlia]

You’re All That I Need Chapter 8 (Tommy x Nikki)

Title: You’re All That I Need Chapter 7

Summary: It’s the early 80’s and Nikki Sixx is in need of a band. There’s one condition: no other alphas. That should be fine, since he found three betas to fill up the lineup to become Motley Crue. Or, at least he thinks they’re all betas. A collab between myself and @callme-kaz2y5-baby​!

Series Warnings: M/M smut (18+ only please), alpha/beta/omega dynamics, mpreg, language, slight drug use, protective Nikki, extremely funky timeline (might add more as we go)

The rest of the tour went by pretty uneventful, aside from a couple alphas checking Tommy out. But one look from Nikki had them turning their heads and admiring the closest wall art. Tommy hadn’t slipped into a heat yet, and both the bassist and drummer were a little worried the prolonged use of suppressants caused more harm than good.

“I don’t know what to do Mick,” Tommy sighed, laying his head on the back of the couch he was sitting on. “Nikki hasn’t had a rut to trigger my heat, and I haven’t had a heat to trigger his rut.”

“Have you done…”

“Yes,”

“And the…”

“Yes,”

“Even the…”

“Mick, we’ve done everything!” Tommy groaned. “Maybe it was a fluke thing…” He looked down at his hands. “Maybe I’m broken or something?”

“Look kid, we’ve got one show left. Maybe your body is just holding off until it knows you’ll be in a safer location?” Mick suggested. “We finish up in LA and you and Nikki can be safe in one of your places within an hour of the show ending.”

“I hope so,” Tommy looked across to where Nikki and Vince were talking about some notes. “I don’t want to lose him.”

"Let's get a move on, Mick, Tommy," Nikki shouted from the hall.

“Well, let’s get out there before he uses his alpha voice,” Tommy changed the subject. Even though, he honestly loved the alpha voice. It was time for the show to start, the last one before they headed back to LA, and home.

The guys brought it all to this show, no one looked road weary it was like the energy at the first concert of the tour, everyone was amped up. After the show the whole band spilled off the stage interacting with the crew and groupies. Tommy got separated from Nikki in the fray, and uncomfortably found himself alone.

Well not alone, alone, a sickening smell caught Tommy's attention, and he realized he most definitely wasn't alone and that was not his alpha.

"Well, well, I thought it had to be a lie that Motley Crue was traveling around with an unmarked omega.... but here you are, ripe for the taking." the alpha taunted gruffly while attempting to loom over Tommy. He licked his lips as he eyes roamed up and down Tommy’s body.

“Yeah sorry, I’m taken,” Tommy turned to head towards the dressing room areas, where he knew the big security guards would keep this alpha away from him. When he had shown his true self to everyone, Nikki made sure that Doc knew no alpha was going near Tommy without permission.

The alpha sniffed "You smell like the others but your not mated.... and I dont think your beta friends are going to save you." The alpha caged him in, Tommy was trying not to gag from the foul odor emanating from the alpha.

From down the hallway Tommy heard Nikki shout his name, he jerked his head to answer but was cut off when the alphas beefy arm cut off his air. "Your going to be my omega, as talented as you are I won't pup you right away, I'll let you bring in some money first."

“N-N…” Tommy was losing consciousness and he wasn’t sure if he was trying to say no, or call for Nikki. As black dots started to dance across his eyes, he felt teeth scrape across his skin and a tear fell down his cheek.

Tommy wasn't sure when he was able to breathe again it happened all of a sudden, he thought he was blacking out and then he could breathe, and there was a lot of shouting going on.

"The fuck do you think your doing to him, you fucker?" Nikki growled ready to rip the alphas throat out with his teeth for touching Tommy.

"You guys are the one parading an unmated omega around... you had to figure someone would come to take him. Now little beta walk away before I hurt you," the alpha snarled. Tommy slid down the wall, watching it all.

Nikki was confused for a second, then remembered the bracelet. It had the mixed scents of all four of them, and the alpha was too distracted by Tommy to pick up on the distinct alpha smell....and that was going to cost him. Nikki did something he rarely did, and let his alpha out completely, knowing soul deep it wouldn't hurt Tommy. Nikki's eyes flashed red, "you want to run that plan by me again cocksucker?"

The alpha turned muscles tense ready for a fight, but when he saw Nikki's red eyes and enlarged fangs he turned tail and ran. Nikki tried to calm himself down now that there was no threat and he heard Tommy talking to him, but all his alpha said was take, claim, mate.

"We....w...we need to go Tommy...I can't..." Nikki ground out, eyes burning fiery red behind his black bangs.

“Nikki? What’s wrong?” Tommy reached out and touched him, but his smelled had changed and it was starting to trigger something in Tommy.

"Nikki, Tommy there you idiots are," Mick stopped in his tracks, "Oh, fuck. Hey, we need to go, you guys need to come on and I'll get you somewhere safe." Mick watched Nikki prepare to hunker down and protect Tommy, "Tommy, Nikki's in rut, like he's gone, you need to get him to come with us before your heat hits or we are fucked and not in the fun way." Mick coaxed.

“Okay, I’ll try,” Tommy whimpered a bit. His throat hurt and honestly, he didn’t want to move. He wanted to be right by his alpha in this hallway. “Fuck my heats coming Mick. How do I get him to get away from here? Just walk out and he’ll follow?”

"Fucking idiots," Mick muttered under his breath, "Tell him your not leaving but he needs to come with you quickly, it will make you happy for him to follow you,” he directed moving down the hallway.

“Okay,” Tommy looked at Nikki. “Nikki, baby, I need to go lay down. It would make me very happy if you would come with me.” He took a step and Nikki grabbed onto him, not wanting his alpha to leave him. “Nikki, please. We need to go. I don’t feel good.”

Nikki could tell by the tone of voice the omega was using that something was wrong, he was able to tame down his alpha some. Tommy could see the natural green waring with the red, "Let's go quickly," Nikki grunted.

Mick thanked whomever was watching when they got Nikki and Tommy on the bus. He all but shoved them into the back and slammed the door shut.

"What the hell Mick?" Vince asked. “What’s going on? Why are we in such a rush?”

"Something triggered Nikkis rut, and he dropped fast, and was pulling Tommy into fucking heat in the middle of the God damn hallway.....that's what. I'm too old for this bullshit where's my vodka...." Mick ranted. Vince handed him a bottle to help calm him down.

"So I'm guessing we don't want to open that door for anything..." Vince confirmed.

"What do you think? Aw shit...radio Doc we need to hole them up in a hotel. I'm not riding all night on this bus while they fuck like bunnies." Mick complained. Vince nodded and went to the CB that connected to the bus Doc was on.

“Oh god, I’m so glad that we’re betas,” Vince groaned, closing his eyes. He missed the small look that passed over Mick’s face.

“You fuck like an omega in heat. I don’t want to hear it,” Mick looked around, finding two pairs of headphones for the stereo system built into the bus. He tossed one to Vince. “Get the music ready. We’re going to need this.”

****

Tommy had pulled Nikki into bed and stripped them down to their underwear. Tommy could tell he wasn't ready, but knew Nikki needed the contact. Well, actually, Tommy wanted the contact too, but not as much as he would if his fucking heat would just hit already.

“Nikki…” Tommy whispered, brushing his hair back. His eyes were a kaleidoscope of red and green. His alpha wanted to claim Tommy, make him his, but he knew it wouldn’t do any good right now. Tommy’s omega was scared, and it felt the bus wasn’t safe, despite his alpha right there. He wanted to be in a room so he could have his alpha to himself, away from rough alphas or even other betas.

The bus ride seemed surprisingly short. Tommy was curled up beside Nikki, the alpha on guard for anything that might endanger the omega. There was a knock at the door, drawing their attention.

"Can you guys get it together enough to get to a room?" Mick shouted through the door. Tommy felt Nikki shift beside him and his arms tighten around him.

"Yea, Mick but we need to go straight there you got everything?" Nikki shouted back his voice deeper than normal.

"I got you covered Sixx. I have your room key, Vince has the duffles, let's go." Mick confirmed.

Nikki wrapped Tommy in a sheet, but went without covering himself. It wouldn't be the first time Mick saw him in his boxers. He opened the door, and stepped through, Tommy followed him and once they were off the bus, Nikki wrapped his arm protectively around Tommy. Mick walked in front and Vince behind, into the hotel and onto the elevator. Nikki felt surprisingly comfortable around the betas considering the circumstances. A few minutes later saw, Mick was letting them into their room, built for mates in heat and/or rut and would keep the worst of the scent inside.

"I'll check on you guys tomorrow, there should be water in the fridge and protein bars near the coffee pot. I'll bring real food tomorrow. Take care of him Nikki," Mick ordered.

Nikki felt surprised that Micks order didn't piss him off, "I always take care of him. Talk to you tomorrow." was Nikki's only response before shutting and locking the door.

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[shaniahnoel]

Everything Has Changed: Chapter Four

Word Count: 2060

Warnings: None.

Master List

Author’s Note: this is a suuuper slow build romance. I wanted to experiment with really building an OC and truly developing the romance. Feedback on how I’m doing with that would be AMAZING. And, if you need a few more cute moments to get you through the build up, let me know, I might edit a scene or two ;)

“Are you done with the truck, Riles? I’m sorry I forgot that I needed to replace the tires on that van before we close so I need the bay.”

“Yeah, we’re done here,” Sweet Pea answered for her, his voice a little gruffer, “Thanks for letting me use the shop, Mr. Evans. Thank you, too,” he added, glancing at Riley. He got in the truck and left without another word. Her dad hesitated for a minute.

“Need to talk about it?”

“I’ll wait for mom.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” he smiled, and she swatted him with the oil cloth. “This won’t take too long. Can you finish up inventory?”

She nodded and slipped into the main shop. Slipping her headphones in she called Iris to talk as she marked down the stock. Fortunately, Jake had just left so the conversation was private. Iris squealed repeatedly as Riley debriefed her what happened and made a noise of sympathy as she concluded. She waited patiently for her to finish before beginning her interrogation.

“Did you want to kiss him?”

“Kind-of…”

“How do you ‘kind-of’ want to kiss someone? Wait, is this your dumb dating thing?”

“It’s not dumb to want some sort of commitment before you start kissing people,” Riley said pointedly.

“Okaaaay, if you say so. Anyways, your weird morals aside, you definitely wanted to kiss him?”

“Yes,” she groaned, “But I think I ruined any chance of that.”

“Well… maybe,” Iris said, seriously, “Or… you may have gotten him more interested with your little tease.”

“I wasn’t trying to tease him! I was trying to breath with him all over my personal bubble.”

“You know that, and I know that, but…”

“How does one flirtatiously say, ‘I don’t want to kiss you unless we’re dating, which I’m not sure I want to do because I only know that you’re hot and nothing else’?”

There was a solid minute of laughter before Iris choked out a response, “Riley, I love you, but you have to know that was singlehandedly the most awkward thing you’ve ever said in your fifteen years of life… and that’s including when you tried to explain to Mr. Bird that you had your period and needed to leave class.”

“Will you ever let that die?”

“Never,” she promised, laughing again. The bell rang, signaling an entering customer. Riley said her goodbyes and went to offer him assistance. The rest of the night at the shop went by the same as usual and at seven her father came into the main room.

“Ready to go, kiddo?”

“Actually… is it alright if I hang out in town for a little bit?”

“Meeting up with Iris and the twins?”

“Maybe, I’m not sure yet.”

“Alright,” he answered, eyeing her speculatively. “Let me know if I need to come pick you up.”

“Yessir.”

 The evening air was cool as she set off down the sidewalk. It’d been a while since she’d strolled through town like this, but she liked the solitude. Briefly she contemplated going past the White Wyrm, but that felt too bold. Instead she settled for heading towards the quarry, strategically roaming around the twins’ house to avoid stopping. Kieran and Jake were outside with a few friends. As she watched, a girl wrapped herself in Kieran’s arms and he kissed her neck. Surprise flickered in her eyes as relief flooded through her—maybe she’d keep his attention from Sweet Pea.

There was a spring in her step as she continued forward. As she passed the trailer park she was stopped by a few of the older ladies who would come into the shop, and after chatting for a few minutes she continued on her way. A muffled crying pulled her attention to the alley she was passing, and her concern for someone hurt outweighed her sense of self-preservation.

“Hello,” she called out, slowly proceeding down the alley. There was a choked sob, and then a slender figure straightened up. “Toni?”

“What are you doing here,” Toni snapped, wiping her eyes.

“Checking in on an old friend,” Riley answered coolly before remembering the last time she’d seen Toni cry. “Is it your parents,” she asked then, warming her tone.

“You remember?”

Riley nodded, stepping closer to her former friend and tentatively placed a hand on her shoulder. Toni melted on contact, the sobs coming stronger. It was like they were kids again with Toni curled into her side while Riley smoothed her hair. After a few minutes, the tears stopped, and the girls separated slightly.

“Thanks, Riles,” she said quietly, wiping her eyes fiercely. “How bad do I look?”

“You’re a bombshell, as usual. With a little mascara on your cheeks,” she added, making her laugh.

“C’mon,” Toni muttered, linking arms with her. They walked a few blocks back until they reached the trailer park. The old ladies had gone back inside. It’d been a while since she’d been to Toni’s, but her uncle’s place looked the same, complete with Grandpa Tom sitting in his favorite chair. He smiled, looking surprised to see her, but readily held out his arms. They talked a few minutes before Toni reappeared in the doorway, gesturing her to follow.

Her room was transformed. Gone were the frilly blankets and pink walls, replaced by soft cotton and deep purple. The closet hung open, revealing the black tops and lacey numbers which filled it. Funky shoes littered the floor, along with her jean jacket and discarded tights. A cork board above the desk was a time capsule of the girl before the Serpent and Riley was surprised to find her face among the polaroids, tongues over their teeth and celebrating the removal of braces. The photo was tucked behind that of Toni’s parents and Riley turned to her.

“Eight years is a long time.”

“I know, I should just be over it, right?” Toni snarled.

“No, it’s a long time to miss somebody, especially your parents,” Riley replied quietly. She moved to sit next to her on the bed. “Do you talk to anyone about it?”

“No,” Toni said, reluctantly, “If I could hide it from Gramps I would, but he hears me.”

Riley placed a hand on her knee, turning to look her in the eye. “Toni, I don’t care if we haven’t talked in a century—if you need me on this day, I’m here—no questions, no judgment, alright?”

She nodded slowly in response and leaned her head on her shoulder.

“Now do you think you’ve squeezed out all the tears,” Riley asked, smiling gently. Toni’s answering smile was full of childhood memories.

“I’ve made room for a milkshake, if that’s what you’re asking,” she replied with a faint attempt at a smile, brushing under her eyes again. Riley led the way out of her room, feeling lighter somehow.

“Off to Pop’s?” Thomas Topaz asked as they walked past. They nodded in response and a warm smile crossed his face. Riley thought he seemed pleased.

 Over milkshakes and fries, the girls caught up on life. Seventh grade was the last that they’d truly spoken and much had happened in the three years since. At first Toni was hesitant to talk about the Serpents but relaxed as the conversation went on.

“So, what’s the deal with you and SP?” Toni questioned with a knowing look.

“I swear, you’re as bad as Iris,” Riley growled with an eyeroll. “There isn’t a deal with us. He talks to me now, I guess you probably know more than I do.”

“See, that’s the thing, I’m sort of the expert on SP—calming him down, getting him motivated, the whole shebang, but he’s been weird lately.” Toni sipped her milkshake with a pensive look on her face.

“When you figure it out, let me know,” Riley answered with a laugh.

As Toni sucked the last of her milkshake from her cup, Riley went to the bathroom. She washed her hands with a smile; the friendship with Toni was something she hadn’t realized she was missing until now. As she exited the bathroom her step faltered. Fangs and Sweet Pea had joined Toni in their booth. Steeling her shoulders, she went forwards, mentally chanting that all would be fine. Fangs turned at her approach, eyebrows raised in surprise as Riley slid into the booth beside him. She smiled and grabbed her milkshake, taking a nervous sip of the remains.

“This is your date,” he asked, flabbergasted.

“I never said I had a date, stupid. I said I was with an old friend,” Toni laughed, shaking her head.

“Riley,” Riley said, offering Fangs her hand. A look of understanding crossed his face. He took her hand, lingering a second longer than necessary, a playful glint in his eye. The way his eyes flashed to Sweet Pea told her that the display was for his benefit. Riley sat back comfortably in the booth, watching Toni and Fangs bicker like siblings. Sweet Pea was pensive again, gaze trained on the lot outside.

“Are you guys ordering anything,” she questioned, glancing between the two boys.

“Nah, saw Toni through the window and decided to investigate,” Fangs chuckled.

“We were headed to the Quarry,” Sweet Pea added.

“Let’s go,” Toni said excitedly. “You in?”

“Uh, yeah, sure. I’ll come.”

It wasn’t until they’d exited to the parking lot that Riley found the flaw in her day. Everything had been going wonderfully from the unintentional reconnecting with Toni, to the milkshakes, and finally the guys showing up. The problem was two wheels and the small leather seat between them. Fangs straddled his bike, and Toni debated only a moment before joining him. Sweet Pea grabbed the helmet, the only helmet, from his handlebars and offered it to her.

“Oh, uhm, do we have to ride there?”

“Scared?”

“No,” she said defiantly, “I’m just not allow—” She cut herself off realizing how uncool those words sounded. A smile tugged at Sweet Pea’s mouth while Fangs laughed openly. Toni shoved an elbow into his ribs and turned to Riley.

“I’ll walk over with you,” she offered, but Riley felt the heat in her cheeks.

“Nah, I should probably get back now anyways. Definitely another time though,” she promised.

“Do you always listen to what your parents say,” Sweet Pea taunted, and the embarrassment shifted to anger in a blink.

“Yeah, I try to. They consider me trustworthy, and I’m not going to break that,” she said, angrily.

With that she turned on heel and went to walk away. Toni snarled something at Sweet Pea, but he seemed to ignore her. Instead Riley heard his steps crunching gravel behind her.

‘’Y’know if you’re always this serious, I dunno if we could be friends,” he said drily.

“Who says I want to be friends with you,” Riley seethed, whirling around. She was surprised to find him smiling and annoyed at the emotions it stirred within her—spiking her anger and her heart rate.

“Funny,” he said quietly. “I said the same thing the other day, but here we are.”

“And where exactly is that?”

“Well, that building there is Pop’s and over there is—ouch, rude,” he complained as she swatted his arm.

“Are we friends?”

“Depends. Are you allowed to be friends with a Serpent?”

“I decide who my friends are.”

“And you want to be my friend?” Sweet Pea stepped closer, close enough that she could smell his cologne. There was a strange look in his eye and Riley couldn’t help but think she was missing the deeper question.

“I don’t know,” she answered, truthfully. Sweet Pea’s eyes tightened the smallest bit, the corners of his mouth turning down. Before she could continue, he turned and headed back to where Fangs and Toni waited. “Especially not with that attitude,” she added under her breath.

It seemed like Sweet Pea hesitated a second, but then he continued back to his bike. Riley rolled her eyes at the amused expression on Fangs’ face and smiled reassuringly at the concerned Toni. She watched as they drove out of the lot and then walked herself home. There was a feeling of relief that seemed out of place flowing through her. Sweet Pea’s interest had made her anxious. He radiated self-assurance and overconfidence. She couldn’t figure out what had drawn him to her, but part of her hoped it was done.

Taglist:  @ella-full-of-secrets @my-ships-have-sunk @54fangirl @everheart12@inspiredbynewt @poolpartyingwithjaws @southsidesserpent @lynniev

[marie-dufresne]

Flies & Honey

🧬 Main Verse Page 🧬 

Flies & Honey: Professor Gast suggests Hojo find more use for his new intern than cleaning flasks. Research doesn’t fund itself, after all.

The first two weeks of Marie’s new posting were nothing short of horrendous. While marketing had worked her to the bone, the professor had her in tears no less than four times each day, though she didn’t let it show.

For the most part.

If he wasn’t ignoring her entirely and leaving her standing awkwardly before his desk, waiting for instruction, he was nitpicking the way she did the things he instructed her to.

I don’t want to see those shoes in my lab again. (It wasn’t even his lab) Do something about your hair. It gets everywhere.

Can’t you read the labels? That goes there.

By the start of the third week, she’d been shuffled into a room full of glass, instructed to clean every single flask, vial, and test tube whether they needed cleaning or not. It wasn’t that she minded the task itself. She was good at cleaning, at organizing (something this store room was in desperate need of), and she did like actually having a task to complete.

The trouble with having a task to complete on her own, was the being alone, and running thoughts that accompanied it.

About an hour before lunchtime, she was crying. She didn’t understand why she was being shoved away at every turn, swept under the rug. When she wasn’t being snapped at, of course. She was a people person. She tried to bring sunshine and cheer wherever she went, even if where she went had too many books and funky things in unknown liquids.

“Oh no no, what do I see? Crying? In my lab?”

With a sniff, Marie’s wrist shot up to her nose and she lifted her eyes to the kind gaze of the head scientist.

“P—professor Gast.”

His eyes were warm as he reached beneath his lab coat and procured a handkerchief, holding it out to her. He’d been watching her ever since she was transferred unexpectedly, over his head. Or at least he allowed it to go over his head. A nobody like Henry had no say in the personnel of the ShinRa laboratories, but it seemed to Gast that maybe someone like her could be good here, someone who still had their eyes on the outside world.

She could be good for Hojo in particular, if the man would at least look her in the eye.

“Don’t let him get to you,” he said, turning and absently sifting through a shelf, pretending to look for something, “he’s too engulfed in his own genius to notice you’re a human being.”

Marie smiled, dabbing at her eyes and catching fat drops of mascara in the cotton cloth. A sensible man. Cotton washed easily.

“I’m sorry for crying. I’ll be all done in a bit and—and then I’ll be okay to finish.”

“Oh take your time, Miss Dufresne. You’re an intern, not a maid. It’s better for your young mind to be stress free to be open to knowledge, don’t you think?”

Though she didn’t spend much time with, well, anyone, she did appreciate the head scientist and his passion for the pursuit of knowledge. Every so often he’d pass by or poke his head into what she was doing, the menial tasks thrust upon her.

‘Learn anything interesting lately?’ he’d ask. Sometimes she had, sometimes she hadn’t, and sometimes she’d seen things she didn’t understand. When she had a question, he answered it.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Hojo didn’t have to like her for this year to be a success. He didn’t even have to be kind to her. He was one person. One scientist amidst a full-ish staff. Full enough where one horrible interaction did not have to sour the good.

Three days later, there was a meeting across several departments at which Gast requested Hojo’s attendance. Did he need to be there? No. Was Gast going to hear a week’s worth of bitching and moaning from his friend for keeping him away from the lab? Yep. Still, it was about time to do a little prodding.

Twenty-six years old and the man had no life to speak of. It was time for a little outside interference. For science, of course.

So, with his arm around his younger colleague, Gast heaved a little sigh on the walk back to the lab.

“What’s wrong with you, Hojo?”

Hojo had ignored the embrace, muttering to himself as he reviewed his notes from the meeting. It hadn’t pertained to him exactly, but there were points that could prove useful. Things he could set aside for later.

“Mm. I’m fine, I haven’t been sick in a few years.”

He was thankful for this. Since securing a job in Gast’s research lab, he had so many more opportunities than he had at the university lab where he taught part-time. A prodigy, he’d completed his formal education at seventeen, having the credentials to teach biology at the college level at eighteen. Taking days off for recovery from an illness was quite a pain.

With a little huff, Gast pulled him closer, knocking their heads together.

“That’s not what I’m talking about, Edmund.”

The use of his first name had the professor looking up from his notes, giving Gast his attention and finally the side-embrace was broken and they simply walked side by side.

“You were given an intern and you’ve got her cleaning flasks in the store room? Seems like a waste of potential to me.”

Hojo let out a little half-hearted grunt. “She has no education. She’s good for simple tasks that keep her out of my hair.”

A little smirk crept up onto the lead scientist’s face then. “Why not just ask me to transfer her to a different department?”

The younger of the two slid his eyes over, unimpressed with the taunt.

“Will you transfer her to a different department?”

“No.”

Yeah. He thought not.

“Seriously though, she’s got more going for her than her ability to sterilize and mop. She’s a sweet girl, Hojo. Beautiful too. Surely that hasn’t escaped your sights.”

Ugh. Is that where this was going?

“I never took you for a matchmaker, Gast,” he mused, finally closing his notebook. He wouldn’t be getting any reviewing done now, “but sorry. I don’t have time for romance right now.”

Gast clucked his tongue a few times, shaking one finger. “Oh no no, that’s not how I meant it. You’re not a people person, Hojo, and research never gets less expensive. You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar and all.”

How irritating. He didn’t have time for these riddles.

“I don’t follow.”

“Funding isn’t unlimited, not even for ShinRa,” Gast explained, “our investors need to believe in our projects. You’re not exactly a people person but she is. That, coupled with her obvious aesthetic assets…well, I think it might be worth your while to bring her up to speed on some things.”

So that’s what he was on about. Manipulating the purse strings of the wealthy with a cute face and a pair of breasts. It was a sound strategy even if it was cliche. Also, if he had her in his pocket, cavorting and socializing as the face of the science department, he could be left alone to continue research, unburdened by the political obligations that came with the position.

She was uneducated and too energetic, but if Gast was refusing a transfer and pushing her in his direction, she couldn’t have been an idiot. Scanning his badge, he let them both back into the labs.

“You make your point clear,” he conceded, “I’ll…see if she is capable.”

She did come from the slums, after all. There was the chance she wasn’t sophisticated enough to work the delicate charms required for this level of fundraising. Then again, maybe she could learn.

The trouble was, he would have to learn how to deal with her.

At lunchtime she was at his desk, noon on the dot, as she was every day, awaiting his order. Without even looking up, he dictated it. He almost continued along, but before she could pick up the phone to call into his favourite takeout place, he lifted his head.

“Intern.”

Marie paused, turning and flipping her braid over her shoulder. Did he disapprove of her hair this way? She’d lost most of her pins and hadn’t had the time to purchase more. Keeping it up hadn’t been an option today.

“Yes, Professor?”

“…”

Gast was wrong. He wasn’t entirely made of vinegar. When his body demanded needs be filled, securing company had never been a problem. Conjuring up charisma when it didn’t matter was simple, a simple switch to flip inside of himself.

“Professor Hojo?”

In this moment, his switch was stuck.

With a little laugh and a shrug, Marie put the phone to her ear, cradling it on her shoulder. “Don’t you hate when you totally forget what you were going to say?”

“Just…put your lunch on my order. You work hard.”

The smile she displayed at such a simple gesture caused his heart to do something it had never done before. It…skipped.

What a strange creature she was. So willing to serve, so easily pleased with simple rewards, like a little puppy dog. A cute little test subject in his social experiment.

Yes. Gast’s suggestion had merit.

[bananxjin]

Crush // Mark Tuan x Reader

|| List ||

Word Count: 5,385 (holy shit I’m so sorry)

Also I couldn’t think of a better title RIP, this story is kind of all over the place, but I hope y’all like it anyway!

Synopsis: Mark has been acting strange ever since the “Closet Incident”.

|| Fluff/Angst/Fluff ||

☆

Going into college, (y/n) never knew what to expect. However, she never suspected that in a million years, her and the honor roll Junior student, Mark Tuan would become as close as they did.

The elevator door opened and she was greeted by Tuan’s lovely, smiling face, the same goofy smile he gave her every morning. She would’ve smiled back hadn’t it been barely half past seven AM.

“How are you always so full of energy this early in the morning?” She muttered, pulling her coat impossibly closer against her body. Mark chuckled and put his arm around her shoulders as they made their way towards the front door and would soon brace the cool January air.

“Perhaps it’s because I know I’ll get to see your grumpy face each morning?” He stated with a questioning tone.

Mark always had a way of making (y/n)’s heart do jumping jacks and her tummy feel warm and tingly.

It intimidated her.

She enjoyed the affectionate relationship they had, but it also made her want to run back to her dorm and hide under her comforters. Then again, Mark would find a way to get in so he could talk to her and prod her about her feelings.

Sure they had a funky little relationship in the beginning. (y/n) had attended the dance team tryouts in the beginning of the semester. There was a small crowd of people in the bleachers, and Mark just happened to be one of those people. Unfortunately in the midst of doing her routine, she had to jump and as she came down, her foot slipped out from under her and she landed square on her bum.

Some people gasped, others giggled. Specifically one of the judges that would determine whether or not she could get on couldn’t hardly hold back her laughter. (y/n) immediately got to her feet and bowed to the judges before she took off out of the gymnasium.

She was absolutely horrified by what happened, but then a small light came to console her, and that light’s name was Mark Tuan.

After that, Mark somehow wiggled his way into her everyday life. He was in two of her classes, they shared the same favorite restaurant, they had several mutual friends so no matter what, they somehow saw each other everyday. Eventually, he just started showing up at the front door of her dormitory and he’d walk her to class every morning. At first it annoyed (y/n). “How can one being have so much energy this early in the morning?” She’d always wondered while remaining in her usual grumpy state. But Mark never overstepped his boundaries. He’d just talk to her about all sorts of different things in the mornings. His life back home, his hobbies, his major, how his was week was going. Anything to keep her attention on him. There were even days he’d show up with coffee for the two of them.

“I thought you might need a little pick-me-up since mornings don’t seem to be your thing.” He said somewhat shyly the first time he’d offered the hot beverage. Despite it only being the beginning of October and the weather still being too warm for equally warm coffee, (y/n) really appreciated the gift. She smiled at him and gave him a small “Thank you.” as she took it from his hands.

She didn’t think much of it. Little did she know, it meant everything to Mark.

So she never actually intended to be close friends with him, it just kind of... Happened. Now she was used to this massive dork just following her around like a lost puppy, rearing his head when she least expected it, and ultimately always always always having her back.

And that was perfectly fine at first.

That was when she falsely believed she could have a platonic relationship with Mark.

Days passed, seasons changed, and Mark always remained at her side no matter what. And things felt relatively normal until her emotions hit her - Slamming into her like an oncoming train.

☆

It was the last day of last semester. (y/n) had been asked to clean up the chemistry labs before she left for her break. Her and Mark were carpooling back to the city together since they’d learned their families only lived about a half hour or so away from one another.

“Any big plans for winter break?” Mark asked, leaning on his elbows against the teachers desk. Mark relished in the moments he got alone with (y/n), and that moment was no exception. Just the two of them in this lab together, he thought. He’d had the biggest crush on (y/n) since the day she fell during dance tryouts. Seeing her every morning and walking her to class was a blessing even on the days she was cranky -- Especially on the days she was cranky.

He’d sit there and tease her and give her a hard time, and she’d pull that cute little pouty face she does.

She’d became the literal light of his life.

“I’m hoping I can sleep for the first three days.” She sighed, dropping a discarded binder on the professors desk. “Finals weeks are the worst; I hate them.” She mumbled, rubbing circles into her temples. Mark gave her a sympathetic smile and gently pat her back.

“It’s okay, (y/n),” Mark said in a wispy soft voice. “The war is over. We can finally go home.”

(Y/n) Couldn’t help but chuckle. “Thank you, Colonel Tuan.” She joked back before standing up straight and tall so she could bow to him. Mark laughed.

For the last few weeks, he’d been thinking about how he’d finally ask (y/n) out, and he’d decided he would do it over winter break. He considered doing it on Christmas Eve assuming she wouldn’t be busy. The forecast called for snow this year. Mark could only imagine how sickeningly romantic it’d be for them to be standing in the snow, drinking hot cocoa together maybe at the park somewhere, and he could confess his feelings under the dead cherry blossom trees.

Not quite as romantic as it could be if it were spring or summer, he thought.

Suddenly, laughter from down the hall could be heard coming closer and closer to them. (y/n) seemed to freeze up on the spot. “Did you hear that?” She asked softly. Mark nodded.

“The weather’s not supposed to get bad until tomorrow night, man. I just need to grab my binder and then we can go.”

“Shit.” (y/n) swore under her breath, frantically looking around the room. Mark gave her a questioning look. “What’s wrong? You act like-”

“Shut up!” (y/n) hissed as she opened the chemistry closet and pushed some lab coats aside.

Before Mark could question her behavior, (y/n) grabbed his hand and without a word, shoved him inside the closet before cramming herself in there with him. The metal door made a clanging sound as she hurried to keep them both hidden. She swore again as the door smacked her in the elbow.

“Do you mind explaining to me what you’re-”

“Shh.” (y/n) said softly as she clamped a hand to his mouth.

Marks eyes widened as the two boys they’d heard talking in the hall came walking into the classroom.

“Hmm...”

“What’s wrong? You got your binder, now let’s go.”

“It’s just that I was kinda hoping someone would be here.”

“Who? (y/n)?”

Silence.

“Dude, she’s probably left already!”

“Well I knew she was cleaning the labs for our professor today, so I thought, ya know...”

Silence again.

“Did you leave your binder in here on purpose? What, so you could just happen to run into her??”

The boys continued to bicker and debate. (y/n) slowly removed her hand from Marks face as she let out a sigh.

Poor Mark, his shoulders started getting uncomfortable so he tried to maneuver a little bit. He couldn’t stand up straight lest he wanted to use the tension rod for a pillow. His solution - Put his hands against the wall behind (y/n) and keep his head ducked.

(y/n)’s back remained against the wall as she found herself trapped by Mark. For the first time since they’d shuffled in there, Mark had looked at her, making eye contact with her, and she thought her heart might’ve stopped. He smiled sheepishly, “I’m really sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” He whispered, “We could always just... Get out of here?”

(y/n) quickly shook her head. “Not until they leave.” Mark smiled and shifted his weight to the other foot. His thigh brushed briefly against hers.

“You don’t want to see your admirer?” He joked. She sighed again, “I don’t. I mean... It’s Shownu.”

“The guy from your history class?”

She nodded. “He’s just been up my ass lately, pushing me to go out on a date with him, but he just... Won’t take no for an answer. It’s annoying.”

Mark wasn’t surprised that other guys liked her, she was so sweet and adorable, easy to talk to, not to mention she was one of the smartest students in her class. Who wouldn’t like her?

It did bother him that Shownu wouldn’t back off - In fact, it pissed him off. She felt the need to hide from him if it meant he couldn’t pester her.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I can help you. I could’ve said something-”

“Because I didn’t want to get you involved. It wouldn’t have been fair to you.”

“You’re my best friend!”

(y/n) pushed her hand against his mouth again, worried they were getting too loud.

“Be. Quiet.” Her lips read. Mark narrowed his eyes, his gaze never leaving her lips. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her right then and there.

“Did you hear something?”

“Just the sound of that blizzard getting closer to us.” The friend sighed.

“I’m sorry, dude. Look, just.... Five more minutes. And if she doesn’t show up, then we can go.” Shownu bargained.

“You’re wasting your time, man. I’m pretty sure she’s dating that Mark guy anyway.”

Their eyes met again and (y/n) quickly yanked her hand away from Marks face as if the very feeling of his skin were burning her.

“Mark Tuan?”

“Yeah. Have you seen the way she looks at him? She might as well be in love with the guy.”

(y/n) couldn’t bare the thought of looking at Mark Now. She knew he had the most smug look on his face in that moment. His shit eating grin just staring her in the face, daring her to look him in the eye.

“I hope not... Mark’s not even that good looking.”

Get fucked, Shownu, Mark thought, his smile never fading.

Mark and (y/n) listened in silence for awhile longer before Shownu’s friend had to practically dragged him out of the classroom, Shownu complaining the entire time.

The door slammed shut. (y/n) sighed and finally gathered up the nerve to look at Mark again.

She instantly regretted it.

“So, you’re in love with me, huh?”

“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes, “He just told that to Shownu so that he could leave.” She concluded, reaching out to open the door, but Mark stopped her.

He pinned her wrist against the wall. Not hard, (y/n) could easily pull away from him if she wanted to. It was his reaction that stopped them both dead in their tracks. Mark surprised himself even. Why did he do that?

(y/n) stared into his eyes searching for something. Anything. Was she... Did she actually have feelings for Mark? She’d always thought he was good looking, but could she ever see them together? As a couple?

Mark quickly released her arm from his grasp and tried to stand up. Unfortunately he forgot about that tension rod so he smacked his head into it, making him swear under his breath. (y/n) blushed. Why did she blush? Why did she even put them in this situation?

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, uh...” Mark stuttered, rubbing his hand over the spot where the tension rod attacked him.

“I-it’s okay.”

“It’s just that uhm...” Mark couldn’t seem to find the right words to say. He knew she didn’t like Shownu back, she made that much clear. So what was his excuse for stopping her other than that he wanted to continue to be this close to her?

“You... You should tell me if Shownu bothers you again. Please?” Mark asked, “I promise it won’t be any bother to me.”

(y/n) couldn’t look away from Marks flushed face. Did he himself know was blushing? Was it because he liked her or just because of the predicament that she’d put them in?

(y/n) nodded in response to his plea.

“Yeah, I’l... I’ll tell you next time.”

☆ (y/n) ☆

It felt like we’d been out in the freezing cold for hours, but we eventually made it to the building. We had awhile before our classes started, so we decided to grab a coffee and some breakfast together while we waited.

Mark didn’t say much on the way over here. We really didn’t talk much over Christmas break either. I half expected us to hang out or something, but it never happened.

I glanced up at Mark from across the table. He’d taken his gloves off and grasped the warm coffee cup in his large hands. I leaned in on my elbows and rested my chin on my hands. My eyes trailed from Mark’s fingers, up his biceps and his shoulders to his face. His big, brown eyes seemingly bore into his coffee cup as if he were looking for something.

“You look like you might be more tired than I am.” I joked. Mark looked up at me, seeming surprised that I said something.

“Are you okay, Mark? You’ve been kinda out of it all morning.” I commented. Mark shook his head “Yes”... And then briefly shook it “No”.

“I’m just tired, and... I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” He replied solemnly. I frowned and reached across the table to grab his hands, “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked softly. His hands were limp in my own. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.

“No, it’s nothing serious.” He replied before pulling his hands out of mine. I knitted my brows together and leaned in closer to him, “Are you sure? This isn’t like you, Mark.”

“I’m fine, (y/n).” He said promptly, finally raising his head and looking me in the eye. His lips tugged up into a small smile. “I promise.”

I fell back into my seat, feeling defeated He was lying to me, I could tell.

What if it was that stupid closet catastrophe I got us into last year? I thought to myself.

The whole scene played over in my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it over Christmas break either. Especially on days when I’d text Mark or try to call him and he wouldn’t so much as give me the time of day. The whole thing gave me anxiety. It made me wonder if this is what would ruin our friendship.

Ruin my chance to have something more with him.

The thought alone could easily bring me to tears, but I tried not to think too much about it. Especially since I was sitting right there in front of Mark.

There was an uncomfortable silence between us before he finally looked down at his phone, “You should probably be heading to class soon.” he said as he gathered his discarded breakfast.

I looked up at him, “What do you mean? Aren’t we going to class together?”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna skip today.” He replied with a big smile. I was in complete shock. What’s gotten into him?

“Th-then I could skip with you! We can have a lazy day together!” I suggested, “We haven’t done that in awhile! How about it?”

He shook his head, “Nah, it’s fine. See ya!”

He gave me a single finger gun and made a mad dash out of the cafe before I could get another word in. I sat there completely dumbfounded, staring blankly at the seat he’d been sitting in just a moment ago.

The next couple of days were killer. Mark quit walking me to class, he quit showing up to the classes we shared, he didn’t text me, didn’t call me, he didn’t even show up in mundane places I was used to seeing him in casually.

I went to his dorm to confront him one day and his roommate, Jackson answered and told me that he was in class which I knew was a bold face lie, he didn’t have a class at that time.

Jackson gave me a sad smile and leaned against his door frame. “I’m really sorry, (y/n).”

“He hasn’t spoken to me for almost two weeks, Jackson! I don’t understand what I did!” I whined, letting my head fall into my hands. I was on the brink of tears.

“You didn’t do anything, actually.”

My head snapped up at him, “What do you mean?”

He sighed, “I mean... I really shouldn’t say anything, it’s really not my place-”

“Please, Jackson.” I begged, putting my hands on his shoulders, “I need this, I need to know why Mark’s been avoiding me lately. I...”

Jackson was staring down at me with wide eyes. I sighed and let my arms fall limp at my sides. “I like Mark. I’ve liked Mark for awhile now, but I’m just... So scared to admit it or the idea of anything becoming of it." I rambled in a soft tone, worried about anyone hearing my confession.

Jackson’s hands made a light smack sound as they connected with his cheeks, his lips turned upright into a bubbly smile.

“That’s so sweet!” He exclaimed, his voice gradually getting higher. I lightly smacked him on the arm, “Shush! I don’t want to draw anyone’s attention to us.” I hissed. He smiled, “He said he was heading to that bubble tea cafe on Ninth, I think you should go talk to him about it. There’s nothing to be scared of, you and Mark have always been close.” He told me.

My smile grew so wide I thought it might crack my cheeks. I let out a small squeal and wrapped my arms around Jackson's neck, “Thank you so much!”

Jackson chuckled at my giddy mood. He waved me off as I jogged back down the hall.

Of course he’d be at the bubble tea cafe, he loves that place, I thought to myself. It wasn’t a long walk from campus so I just pulled my coat tighter against me and made my treacherous ten minute adventure down the road.

I kept going over what I should say and how I should say it in my thoughts, but nothing really seemed right.

“So Jackson told me I’d find you here?”

“It doesn’t matter how I knew, all that matters is I have something important to tell you.”

“But why have you been avoiding me? Do you feel the same way? What’s going on?”

I huffed as I made my way up the small hill. Perhaps he’d say something first? Jackson seemed to think that everything would be fine, but then I could’ve just been overlooking the whole situation. Maybe he’s just trying to help a friend in need. He’s just a wholesome friend like that.

I’ll be okay though. I’ll be okay if Mark turns me down? I mean yeah, it’ll hurt, but Mark’s friendship means everything to me. Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to avoid? ruining our friendship?

I could see the cafe up ahead. My legs seemed to feel heavier and heavier the closer I got. I felt the bashfulness creeping up my neck, and I suddenly wondered if this was actually a good idea.

I opened the glass door and timidly walked inside. It was pretty busy for a Thursday afternoon. I looked around the large room about as casually as one could without seeming weird. One of the ladies at the counter even asked me if I needed any help. I respectfully declined and told her I was just looking for someone.

This is a bad idea. This is a really bad idea.

I dismissed my negative thoughts when I finally found Mark sitting at small table towards the back, still looking at one of the little fold up, paper menus. I smiled and took a deep breath. I walked right up to the chair in front of him feeling stiff as a board.

He looked up at me, smiling at first but it was quickly replaced with a look of surprise, “(y/n)!”

“Hey, stranger.” I replied, gripping the chair as if it were my lifeline, “Mind if I sit here?”

“Yeah! Go for it!” He exclaimed, his voice laced with happiness. It’s almost as if nothing were out of the ordinary. Like he hadn’t just avoided me for two weeks.

“How’ve you been?” He asked, crossing his arms on the table and leaning in closer. I gave him a tight lined smile, “About the same as usual.” I replied. He sighed and seemed to drop the facade, “I’m really sorry, (y/n). I’m sorry for disappearing and being a total dick basically.”

I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to get angry and lash out at him, but I couldn’t. “I just want to know why it happened, Mark.” I sighed, “I thought we could talk about anything, and then we just... We stopped talking. Altogether. It really hurt, I mean...” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, “You’re my best friend, and...”

I love you

“Hey, shh,” Mark took my hand from across the table, “It’s okay, everything’s okay." He cooed, “I really... It’s hard for me to talk about it, and I know that’s no excuse, but I was just scared, and-”

“Hey, Markie!”

The girl I recognized as one of the judges from my failed dance audition sat in the chair beside Mark and wrapped her arms around hi neck, “Who’s this?” She asked, looking at me.

I was taken aback as I suddenly pulled my hand back and tucked both of them into my lap. “I feel like I should recognize you from somewhere?” She said, seeming to study my face. I gave her a small smile before looking down at my lap, “I get that a lot.. I think I just have one of those faces.” I said awkwardly, looking back at Mark.

”(y/n)...”

“Anyway, I think I should go. I was just uh, I had to return Mark’s notes to him. I missed my class the other day, so...”

“You don’t have to! We were just on a small date, but you’re welcome to join us! I’m always happy to meet Mark’s friends!”

Date...

What a bitter word to hear when you were just about to tell him everything. “It’s okay, really! I have some other things I had to do today.” I responded, my voice sounding slightly venomous. “Enjoy your date!”

“(y/n)!”

I ignore Mark as I hurry out of the little restaurant, walking as fast as I can on the snowy sidewalks as I make my way back to campus.

A date, huh?

Is that why you’ve been avoiding me this whole time, Mark?

I can’t even cry about it. Mark is his own person, he’s allowed to date who he wants. Besides, how was he supposed to know that I’ve been harboring feelings for him?

The memory of Mark and I being stuck in that closet together crept back into my mind again like the little rat it is. The intimacy of the situation was enough to make me swoon. I was so close to Marks face, I should’ve just kissed him. God knows I wanted to.

And then Mark wouldn’t drop it when that guy said he thought I was in love with Mark, I was hoping he would’ve just caught on and maybe we could’ve started something.

Tears finally brim my eyes as I continue torturing myself with the thought of what could’ve been. I bury my face into my scarf and keep my head low as the tears go streaming down my cheeks.

Of all the people in the world, it had to be my best friend. It had to be!

I accidentally bump into someone as I near my dormitory. They reach out to steady me by my biceps. “Ah, I’m so sorry, I...”

He trails off as he studies my face. I look up at him, ready to apologize for bumping into him, but then I see who it is, and I nearly panic.

“Shownu..”

He smirks at me. “(y/n)! Wow it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you!” He gushed. I smile back halfheartedly, “Hey, Shownu... How’s it going?” I asked, kinda dragging out his name.

Because he’s exactly who I wanted to speak to, I thought with a slight roll of my eyes.

“I’m fine, hey there’s something I wanted to ask you...” He says taking my hand in his gloved one. My eyes widen and my heart speeds up, mind racing as I try to think of any possible way to get out of this.

“Shownu, I-”

“(y/n) I’ve liked you for awhile now, and I wanted to know if you’d go out on a date with me.” He confesses, “I know I’m not Mark, but-”

“You’re right: You’re not me.” Mark chimes in as he slides in next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. I look at him in pure shock, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He keeps his gaze focused on Shownu, wearing that same shit eating grin I’ve grown to love.

“Mark! I thought-”

“I know, but I thought we should spend the day together instead.” He said, kissing my cheek. I swallowed. I couldn’t help the heat that rose to my face no matter how much I may have wanted it to go away.

You’re giving me mixed signals, Mark.

“I'm sure you have a good reason for holding my girlfriend’s hand.” Mark said smugly to Shownu.

Girlfriend?!

Shownu’s once determined face twisted into one of anger and disappointment as he dropped my hand. He seemed to think his words over carefully before he replied to Mark. He looked like he wanted to fight him, but he’d decided against it.

“No, Mark. I didn’t have a good reason.” He replies through gritted teeth and a thin smile. He looks between the both of us for a second before letting out a sigh, “See you later, (y/n).” He says before walking off.

I almost feel bad for him as I give him a sad smile and wave goodbye. Once I know he’s out of ear shot, I shake off Mark’s hold on me and smack him repeatedly in the chest. “What the hell was that for?! How’d you even get here?! Did you follow me all the way back from the cafe?!” I demanded.

Mark giggled and grabbed hold of my wrists, “So what if I did?” He asks, bringing his face close enough that his nose touched mine. I swallowed thickly and pulled my face away from his as well as my arms. “Go back to your date, that’s so rude to just... Leave.” I sigh, turning away from him as I walk into my dormitory.

He followed me in.

“Shouldn’t you be taking your own advice then?” He asks as we both head towards the elevator. I roll my eyes and ignore him. “(y/n), I left because I needed to talk to you.” He told me. I swore I felt steam come out of my ears. My neck cracked as I looked over at him, my eyes full of anger. “You ignored Me, Mark. For two weeks you ignore me.” I reminded him. 

We boarded the elevator, “We could’ve been talking these last two weeks, but you just disappeared. You wouldn’t text me, answer my calls - You missed class to avoid me!” I exclaim as we exit on my floor.

“I know, I owe you an apology and you deserve an explanation-”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

I get all the way to my door before he grabs me by the shoulder and quickly pins me against the wall. I suck in a sharp breath as his other hand blocks me in. I gaze up at him, and I immediately feel the tension melting away. His sad, puppy dog eyes gazing into mine. "I'm sorry, (y/n)." He said softly. His free hand came up to caress my cheek, wiping away a stray tear I didn't even know had fallen.

“I just want to know why.” I asked him. His eyes showed sorrow as he opened his mouth to reply, but I cut him off before he could answer me, “You know, I was perfectly fine before I met you! But then you just... Wiggled your way into my life like some sort of worm! You made an impact on me, became my best friend and all and then you just decide you’re gonna leave?!” I release all of my thoughts as I raise my hand to smack his chest again, but he captures it before I can make contact.

He closes his eyes as he entwines our fingers. “(Y/n) I...”

“You what, Mark?”

He takes a deep breath and peers down at me only for a second before he leans down and gently presses his lips against mine. My body tensed up as I pressed my arms against his chest, ready to push him away, but I couldn't. Everything that I'd felt before didn't seem to matter. All that matter's to me now is that I know how Mark feels. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. The movements of his lips soft and slow as if urging me to fight him; urging me to be the one to take initiative. I cup his cheeks in my hands and deepen the kiss, pressing my body impossibly closer to his and he presses me into the wall. His lips feel so soft against mine and his kisses tastes like white chocolate mocha which I assume is what he was probably drinking earlier.

He parts his lips and drags the tip of his tongue across my bottom lip, prompting me to part my lips for him. My head feels so hazy and my faces feels so hot. I can’t tell if it’s from the kissing or from my feelings - Probably both. It didn’t help when I noticed that his hold on me got just a little more snug as he took my bottom lip between his teeth and nibbled it gently.

Our eyes met once again as my lip slipped from his teeth. His eyes were glossy and pupils large. I imagine my eyes looked similar.

“”I’ve liked you for awhile, (y/n). Jesus, I... I wanted to confess to you over the holidays, and I was so confident about it, but then...” He sighed, taking a deep breath again, “But then when all the stuff happened in the closet, I was worried you really didn't have feelings for me, and I-"

"Mark, I've liked you for the longest time, I... I love you." I confess somewhat shyly. I look away from him as I feel my face turning deep red, but his fingertips immediately guide me back to look at his smiling face again, "I love you too, (y/n)." He whispers, pressing his lips to mine again. "I'm so sorry I left you, I just needed time to think and I wanted to try to get over you," He mumbles in between kisses. His large hand gently caresses my hair, sliding down to cup my cheek, "but I promise I'll never do something so stupid again." He whispers, leaning his forehead against mine.

"I'm so in love with you."

"I'm in love with you too, Mark."

[whatadaze]

Moon lovers xmas prompt modern AU? What if Hae Soo's apartment is next door to So's and they've co-existed just as neighbors passing in the hall, but he's noticed how her cheating ex has moved out (because So notices everything about Soo who are we kidding) and she notices that he's spending xmas alone so she ends up inviting him over for dinner. :)

She was losing it. 

She could feel her fingers becoming slick against the cardboard box, and it didn’t help that it obstructed her view of the hallway. 

Just a few more steps.

Just a few more and-

The sweat on her palms were beginning to win and she felt the box give way against her fingers, but as she closed her eyes to brace herself for the impending crash, Soo was surprised to be met with…silence. 

She cracked an eye open, and gasped when she saw the person standing in front of her. He had his arms wrapped under the box and grabbed it from her before nodding his head. 

“I’m guessing you’re the new neighbor?” he asked, already walking over to the door. 

Soo rushed in front of him, and quickly entered her passcode in before pushing the door open. “Yeah,” she said, kicking the other boxes to the side. “You can just place the box here….Thank you.”

The man shrugged his shoulders and shoved his hands into his pockets. 

“I-I’m Soo, by the way! Hae Soo.” She stuck a hand out towards him, but the man responded with a flick of his brow. His eyes scanned the apartment, lingering at all the boxes scattering around the floor.

“I have to wake up early in the mornings, so if you can be courteous after midnight, that would be much appreciated,” he said, his eyes finally falling on her. “The previous neighbors didn’t seem to believe in silence.” 

Soo retracted her hands and awkwardly crossed them in front of her chest. Although this man—her neighbor—irritated her, she didn’t want this move to start off on a bad note. So instead, she sent him her brightest smile and nodded her head. “Of course! You won’t even know we’re here.” 

He raised a brow at the mention of we, but didn’t question her further when he saw another man enter the apartment, a large plastic box in his hands. Soo’s eyes widened as she rushed to his side.

“Be careful!” she cried out. “That’s my make up! Place it down, gently.” 

“I know I know!” the man gritted, placing the box, gently, down onto the floor. He brushed his hands and let out a sigh. “We only have a few boxes left and then we’ll be done. The heat is killing me-” 

His eyes fell on the mysterious man standing in the middle of the living room and he turned to his girlfriend. 

Soo straightened up and clasped her hands. “Oh, this is our new neighbor! Mister…” 

“So. Wang So,” the man said, making his way to the door. He turned to Soo before stepping out of the apartment. “So we’re in agreement, right?” he asked, eyeing the man beside her. “I’m not picky about a lot of things, but that’s definitely one of them.” 

“Of course! Not a peep.” 

(Five months later)

“How long?” 

“Soo…”

“I said,” her voice gritted out. “How. Long?” 

“A-A month,” he uttered. “But it didn’t mean anything! I was…I was under a lot of stress and she was there and…it was a stupid mistake! You have to believe me.” 

“It was a mistake? That you made over and over again for a month?” she asked. “And you expect me to believe that? I…I can’t be with someone who will constantly make mistakes like this.” 

“Soo, please…”

“You should leave,” she said, her voice growing quiet. “I’ll have your stuff packed by tomorrow morning so just…just go.” 

So heard the door slam shut and he stacked the papers scattered around his desk. He tried to forget what he had just overheard. Not that he did it on purpose, but they were yelling. There walls were connected—it was pretty much unavoidable. 

So the bastard cheated, huh.

He knew her boyfriend seemed a little…off, but never knew he was the type to cheat on his own girlfriend. So knew it was none of his business, but he had to admit, he felt a bit bad for the girl.

Yes, she was too peppy at times, but she didn’t deserve that. 

No one did. 

So let out a tired sigh, and shut his laptop. It had been a long night, and as he glanced at the clock, the time confirmed that he should definitely be headed to bed. 

When So left his apartment the next morning, he noticed the stack of boxes outside of her apartment and a large suitcase. When he returned that night, the belongings were gone.

That was two weeks ago. 

So had found his mind sometimes drifting over to his neighbor. The girl was too peppy and too cheery for her own good. He didn’t know why he cared, but one night when he was taking his trash out to the dumpster, he saw her. She was standing in front of the dumpster, a small box in her hand. 

He had never seen her like this before. 

Her hair was tied up and she was clad in sweats and a t-shirt, much different from her usual attire. Her eyes seemed to be lost in thought and So made an attempt to make his footsteps a bit louder as he approached her, not wanting to startle her.

When that didn’t seem to get her attention, he let out a light cough. 

Soo jumped up and turned around, her body relaxing when she saw who it was. 

“Oh…hello,” she muttered. 

So raised the bag in his hand. “I’m just…taking out the trash.”

She nodded and a small smile appeared for just a moment. 

“Me too,” she whispered, glancing down at the box. 

She didn’t make an attempt to move and So walked around her before throwing his bag into the dumpster. 

“Well are you going to do it today?” he asked, glancing at the box. “Or are you just going to stand there?” 

“I don’t-”

So doesn’t know why he did it, but something about seeing her like this irritated him. He knew she was better than this. She wasn’t some girl who sulks around some cheating bastard, and the box obviously contained some remnants of him. He had to admit, the look on her face when he grabbed the box from her and threw it into the trash was priceless. It was a flicker of her usual self. 

“You’re welcome,” he said. “That’s the second time I’ve helped you with a box.” 

“I can’t believe you…I was going to do it!” 

So rolled his eyes and began to walk back to the building. He heard her footsteps behind him as she quickened her own steps to catch up to him. 

“If I didn’t throw it away for you, you wouldn’t have done it,” he said, stopping in his steps. “And you needed to do it.”

“I’m sorry, but how do you know what I need to do? We barely know each other!” She cried out. “We’re just-”

“Neighbors?” he finished. “I know. But I was sick of hearing you crying at night, so now that the last traces of him are gone, you can move on now. Right?” 

Her eyes widened in surprise but he resumed his steps, ignoring her as she called out to him. 

Soo plugged in the cord and watched her small Christmas tree come to life. 

The colorful lights flickered and she tapped a finger on the small bulbs. Christmas was her favorite holiday of the year, but today was different. 

Lonely.

Soo slowly stood up and scanned the empty living room. She wasn’t planning on putting out the tree, but the box was just taunting her. It had for weeks. She had it stored in the coat closet months ago, and when she saw it collecting dust, she had decided to make use of it. 

Ding dong. Ding dong.

“That was fast,” she mumbled. 

As she dug into her purse for her wallet, she quickly made her way to the door. 

“How much was it again?” she asked, pulling out some bills. “It must be tough working on Christmas and-” 

“Yes, it must be very tough,” the voice replied. “So tough that he seemed to have dropped it off at the wrong apartment.” 

Soo looked up from her wallet and saw her neighbor standing at her doorway, the bag of chicken in one hand. He lifted it up to her face and waved it in the air.

“So I was right,” he said. “This was yours.” 

She nodded her head, dumbfounded by her neighbor. 

“Don’t worry about the money,” he continued. “Think of it as a Christmas gift.” 

He waited for her to take the bag, but seeing that she remained motionless, So carefully grabbed her hand and handed her the plastic bag. 

“Merry Christmas,” he said, sending her a quick wave before shoving his hands into his pocket. He turned and began walking away from her door, and Soo finally found her voice. 

“W-Wait!” 

He stopped in his steps and turned around. He raised a brow in question and his eyes flickered down to her neck as she swallowed a mouthful of air. 

“You should eat with me,” she said, raising the bag. “I ordered way too much, and you paid and…and it’s Christmas! Come eat with me.” 

She motioned for him to come in, and stepped aside from the doorway. 

“Please,” she muttered, her eyes falling to the floor. “No one should be alone on Christmas.” 

So crossed his arms and leaned against her doorframe. Normally, he would’ve rejected her offer and inform her that he actually enjoyed spending the holidays alone. The holidays were one of the few times in the year that he was able to rest his mind and be at peace. 

Was he willing to sacrifice one of those precious days for the girl next door? 

Just then, the girl in question turned around and was already making her way into her kitchen. “Lucky for you, I ordered the set menu that came with two jjajangmyuns. It was cheaper that way. I was wondering how I’d finish it all but now you can have the other one.” 

He watched as she began to set the table and before he knew it, he found himself slowly stepping inside before hesitantly shutting the front door. He scanned the area and noticed that the layout of her apartment was exactly like his but the similarity stopped. Unlike his barren walls, her walls were full of pictures, paintings, and other decor. There were funky throw pillows on her sofa and a large white fuzzy rug spread out on the living room floor.

Yup, they couldn’t be any different.

And normally, So avoided anything that was different from him. It messed up his groove and quite frankly, made him feel a bit uncomfortable. 

But when the girl who had been living next door to him all these months motioned him to sit down, he found himself abiding to her. And despite the fact that she spent most of her time rambling on and on about who knows what rather than actually eating, So found himself listening to her. 

And normally, So never made any attempt to get to know any of his neighbors and they never seemed to bother him either. 

A silent mutual agreement. 

But of course, Soo was different. 

And he didn’t know if it was the whimsical air of Christmas that seemed to change his mind tonight but slowly but surely this girl next door who had been pretty much a stranger to him was beginning to become more than just the girl next door.

[anavoliselenu]

anchor me chapter 2

“Someday we will,” Justin says as he slides his arm around my waist. “I certainly hope so.” Caroline smiles fondly at both of us. “You two would make beautiful babies.” “I can’t argue with that,” Justin adds, as he pulls me closer and presses a kiss to my temple. “Selena’s going to make an incredible mom.” I tense, my demeanor shifting from socially friendly to icily polite. This isn’t a conversation I want to have right now. Not with a stranger. Not with Caroline. Not even with Justin, and I’m frustrated that he so seamlessly slid into the role of eager father. We’ve talked about this over and over, and I’d thought we were on the same page. Someday, yes, I want to hold our child in my arms. But neither of us are ready for kids yet. There are too many barriers, too many challenges. And the fact that he’s now speaking so cavalierly about something so important makes my insides twist up. Especially since I can hardly call him out while we’re standing on a lawn in Dallas and I’m so goddamn vulnerable already. Fuck. I pull out of his embrace, and when I do, Justin catches my eyes. I see the apology on his face, but I’m not in the mood. I’m too off-kilter as it is, and so I just shove my hands in the pockets of my summer skirt. For a moment, I think he’s going to say something else, but then he turns his attention back to Misty and tells her that the car is unlocked. As they speak, I head toward the house with Caroline beside me. With each step, my feet feel heavier and my pulse quicker. It’s silly, I know—it’s not as if I’ll find my mother lying in wait—but I haven’t been back in this house in years, and now that I’m about to walk inside, I’m positively crackling with nerves. I want Justin beside me. I want his hand in mine. And I’m angry and hurt and pissed that just a few little words have dropped a wall between us. Angry at him. And, yes, angry at myself, too. Behind us, I hear Misty speaking to Justin. “I’ll wipe off his hands before he gets in the car. And feel free to look around as much as you want. It’s kind of a maze in there, though. We haven’t unpacked a thing.” Caroline and I pause, and I watch as Misty hurries off after Andy, who’s running as fast as his little legs will allow toward the Rolls Royce. Justin turns but hesitates before walking toward us, his expression unreadable. Then he cocks his head just slightly, and when his brows rise in inquiry, I see everything he’s not saying aloud. I’m sorry. Are we okay? The fist around my heart loosens, and I draw a breath, wait a beat, and then extend my hand. For an instant, relief flickers in his eyes. Then his expression clears, and he joins us, locking his hand with mine. Caroline looks between us, then smiles so brightly that I have to wonder if she’s picked up on the tension. Not that I’m about to ask. Instead, we continue to the house. “How many times did I walk you home when you and Ollie were little?” Caroline asks as we step onto the porch. “Or come over here to drag Ollie back home when you two spent the day in your pool?” “A lot,” I say, letting the memories distract me. The truth is that Ollie rarely came over here. When we were allowed to play together, we both preferred his house. Only in the dead of summer did we stay here to enjoy the pool, and then only after my mother had assured herself that I was covered head-to-toe with sunscreen. God forbid the beauty queen get a sunburn or freckles. “Go on, sweetie,” Caroline says. “I’ll wait for you two out here.” I nod, and when Justin squeezes my hand in silent support, I realize how clammy my palms have become. The door is already ajar, so I use my free hand to push it open. I swallow and then, before I can lose my nerve, I step over the threshold. I hesitate, not sure what I expected. Memory-shaped ghosts drifting down from the ceiling? My mother’s face looking back at me from the hall mirror? Her voice ordering me to go to my room and rest because it’s almost nine o’clock and I need my sleep before that weekend’s pageant? But there is nothing. It’s just walls. Just tile and hardwood, paint and wallpaper. I feel my body relax, and when I meet Justin’s eyes, the corner of his mouth curves up in a smile of understanding. “Where was your room?” he asks as we move through the foyer to the open-style living area. “That way.” I point to the long hallway that leads off to the right. “My mom was in the master bedroom, all the way on the other side of the house. But Ashley and I were both down here.” “Show me.” “I doubt it’s going to look anything like what it did when I was here,” I say, but I’m already heading that way. I’m right, of course. The walls are a plain, flat white where they had once been a pale pink. I’d wanted lime green. Something funky and fun and a little bit obnoxious. A counterpoint to the so-good-they’re-smarmy manners and perfectly proper clothes that had been foisted on me for my entire life. My mother, of course, had vetoed that plan, because little girls who win pageants are the kind of girls who love pink. Girls who follow the rules. Who don’t make a fuss or cause trouble. Girls who don’t have opinions of their own. At least that’s what every word out of my mother’s mouth seemed to imply. I’ve learned better since, and I know several women I respect who’ve done the pageant circuit. But back then, I had my mother in my head. And every time I won a pageant, I had to wonder what that said about me. Was I truly that boring and empty-headed? Was that really all I was good for? I remember going to Ashley, curling up among the pile of pillows on my big sister’s bed and whispering that I hated our mother. That I hated pink. That Mother was mean and I wanted my walls to be my walls and it wasn’t fair and why couldn’t I ever do anything I wanted, and on and on and on. “Do you know what she did?” I ask Justin, after I’ve told him all of that. “She came home from school the next day with a tiny jar of lime green paint she’d swiped from the high school art department.” I blink back the tears that have gathered with the memory. “She told me I needed some green, and so we painted a tiny green square right behind my bedside table, and then we took a pencil eraser and wrote our initials in the paint. It would have been right about here,” I say, leading him to the far side of the room and pointing to a pile of boxes. He bends, moves a couple of the boxes aside, and then crooks his finger for me to join him. I do, then suck in a breath when I see what he’s found. It’s been covered, but I can still clearly see the hint of a green square beneath the flat white. And in the middle—more texture than image—are the initials NF and AF. My knees go weak, and I let myself slump to the ground, Justin’s arms going around me to cushion my fall. “Thank goodness you’re here,” I murmur, my back to his chest.

“I’ll never be anywhere else.” I nod, acknowledging the simple truth that is the shining miracle of my life as I lean back against him, grateful for his warmth and strength. “I don’t want to remember,” I admit. “And yet just being here—it’s all coming back. Good. Bad. It’s crashing over me like waves. All these memories, and I don’t have the strength to stop them coming.” “Then don’t,” he says. “Let go, baby. Let the tide take you. I’ll be your tether. I’ll always pull you back home.” I squeeze my eyes shut, lost in the magic of his words. In the promise that he will always protect me. That he’ll always love me. A shiver cuts through me. Not from a chill. Not from fear. But from the simple realization that I should have known that kind of all-encompassing, unrelenting love from my mother. But I’d had to find it in my sister. In my friends. In Justin. “My mother didn’t have a clue,” I whisper. “Not even an inkling of how to be a mother.” The tears flow freely now as I recall the day I got the phone call that Ashley was dead. My mother’s flat voice that she’d killed herself. And not flat with regret or mourning, but with disapproval. As if Ashley hadn’t lived up to expectations. The irony, of course, was that it was expectations and insecurities that had killed my sister. Her deep-seated certainty that she had no clue how to be a wife. That when her husband left her for another woman, it was proof that she was a failure—just like my mother had always said. She’d killed herself because she’d believed she was nothing. But to me, Ashley had been everything. “We were sitting here when she told me she was going to get married. On the floor beside my bed. And she said she was going to have a good life and be a better mom than ours.” My words tumble out as fast as my tears. I love Ronnie and Jeffery, my niece and nephew, but Ashley’s child should have come first. I wanted so badly to be Aunt Selena. To be the very best aunt ever, just like Ashley had said. “She never got the chance.” Suddenly, the loss of my sister is like a physical pain in my chest. I turn in Justin’s arms, bury my face against his chest, and sob. I’d come to this house wanting to exorcise my demons, but now it seems like the ghosts are everywhere. I gulp in air, then try to force words out past my tear-clogged throat. “Please,” I beg. “Please, can we just get out of here?” “We’re already gone.” He kisses me gently, then takes my elbow to lead me out of the room. But I just stand there beside him for a moment, hating how weak and fragile I feel. I try to gather myself, determined to get out of this house without Caroline or Misty seeing any evidence of pain on my face. And yet I can’t manage. My knees are weak. My skin clammy. I start to take a step to the door, but the world seems to turn inside out, and me along with it. I have only enough time to look up at Justin—to see the worry etched on his face—before the grayness takes over, and I collapse into my husband’s arms. 3 “Selena!” Justin’s voice—tense, afraid—seems to wrap around me. Something tangible that, maybe, I can cling to. That I can use to pull myself back. “Sweetheart? Baby? Come on. That’s it. You can do it.” I feel the warmth of his body surrounding me. Cradling me. His words are soft with encouragement, but the gentleness only hides an undercurrent of fear. I imagine his face in front of me, coming in and out of shadows. Then I realize that it’s not my imagination. Instead, my eyelids are fluttering open, my body trying to return to normal even though my mind is still lost in this odd netherworld where time seems so painfully slow and Justin’s arms so deliciously warm. “That’s it, baby. You’re going to be fine.” I see the worry that tightens the lines around his mouth. That sharpens the amber of one eye and transforms the onyx depths of the other into a hopeless abyss. Then he turns to speak to someone else, his voice low and strained. “Where the hell is the damned ambulance?” “On its way. I think I can hear the siren.” Caroline stands behind him. Her brow is furrowed, and she’s twisting her hands. Farther back, Misty clings to her little boy, her expression pinched, and I wonder if she is concerned about me or about what her new neighbors will think. I hear the approach of sirens, too, and despite the summer heat, my skin prickles from the ice water that suddenly floods my veins, the chill pushing me all the way into consciousness. With a vague sense of wonder, I realize we’re back on the front lawn. But I have no idea how we got here. “What happened?” My voice is raspy, but it’s enough to send relief washing over the three faces around me. Carolyn steps forward, and though she puts her hand on Justin’s shoulder, her eyes are on me. “Selena, sweetie, it’s going to be okay. It’s probably just the heat. Nothing to worry about at all.” I try to push myself more upright. It’s harder than it should be—I’m light-headed and unsteady—and when I see fresh worry on Justin’s face, I stop trying and simply let him hold me. “I fainted?” Of course, I did, but the thought is so startling that I can’t help but state the obvious as a question. “You scared the crap out of me,” he says. “I’m okay now.” I speak firmly, as if saying the words will make them true. Then I try to shift to my knees so that I can push myself all the way up to standing, but Justin holds me down. “No, you don’t.” He holds me firmly in place. “Sit and rest until the ambulance gets here.” I grimace at the thought of being examined here on Misty’s landscaped front lawn. “Honestly, it’s not like I got bit by a rattlesnake or suddenly came down with Ebola. I just got light-headed. It’s no big deal.” “It is to me,” he says, and with those simple words, my argument dies on my tongue. I’m fine—I know that I’m fine—but Justin needs the reassurance, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to fully erase the fear from his eyes. Unfortunately, after being poked and prodded and monitored by two efficient paramedics, we don’t have a definitive explanation for my fainting spell, and worry still lines Justin’s face. The only upside is that they don’t insist that I go to the hospital, but they do want me to see my own doctor soon, as my blood pressure is low enough for concern. Justin thanks them, then starts to type something out on his phone as I watch them pack up and return to the ambulance. They pass Misty, who has moved to the driveway and is talking with three curious neighbors and, probably, cursing the moment Justin and I darkened her doorstep.

“Do you want some juice?” Caroline asks. “I bet Misty has a cooler of juice boxes. Or I can run to the market.” “No, really, it’s fine. But thank you. I think you’re right. I’m not used to the heat anymore.” This time when I start to get up, Justin helps me, his phone now back in his pocket. “I’ll go see my doctor when we get home just to be sure,” I add, certain that Justin just sent a text to his assistant, asking that she schedule that very appointment for the second we return to LA. “Actually, we’re going now,” Justin says. “There’s a walk-in clinic just a few miles from here.” I, however, am done being Invalid Selena. “The hell we are. I’m standing. I’m walking. See?” I circle him to prove my point as Caroline graciously moves toward Misty, obviously wanting to avoid getting caught up in a marital power struggle. “I probably just need food and air conditioning. So let’s go get some lunch and then head back to the hotel so I can work on tomorrow’s presentation.” “After the clinic. No—” he continues, cutting off my protest. “I want to make sure you’re okay.” “Dammit, I am. I was just light-headed. How many times do I have to say it?” “You were out cold for a full minute, baby. You didn’t even stir when I carried you out here.” “But I’m awake now.” I force myself to take a mental step back. To breathe. I don’t like doctors. I never have. My memories of doctors are tied up with my mother’s ploys to get me prescription appetite suppressants because “she’s such a pretty girl, but her hips and thighs have a tendency toward chubby,” or my own attempts to hide my self-inflicted scars, always fearing that some doctor would notice and insist I see a shrink. “How about a compromise?” I suggest. “Hotel now, but if I start to feel dizzy, we’ll go to the clinic.” For a moment, he says nothing, and I imagine the debate raging in his head. His desire to please me versus his concern and his need for answers. Finally, though, he nods. “All right, Ms. Fairchild,” he says, using my maiden name as a term of endearment. “It looks like we have a deal.” I return the smile, feeling smug. Then I take a step toward Caroline and Misty, intending to say goodbye. And that’s when my smugness vanishes. That’s when the nausea consumes me. That’s when I bend forward in a sudden, unexpected spasm and vomit all over Misty’s pristinely manicured lawn. 4 “Considering I’m not sick, I’m certainly being pampered.” We’re back from the clinic Justin dragged me to, and now I’m curled up on our hotel suite’s overstuffed sofa, my feet in his lap. It’s barely past noon, but the curtains are closed, and the lamps are dim, and the ambience is making me sleepy. He chuckles, then squeezes my big toe. “Are you saying I shouldn’t be pampering my wife?” “Actually, that was more of an ‘I told you so’ sort of comment.” I conjure a victorious grin. “The pampering is my reward for being right.” He presses his thumbs against the bottom of my foot in a way that has me arching back and moaning with pleasure. “I’m always happy to reward you,” he assures me. “But your prognosis is still an open question.” “I’m fine,” I insist because I refuse to believe that anything is wrong. “The doctor said what I said—everybody gets lightheaded sometimes.” “And I get worried sometimes.” He stands, shifting my feet onto the cushion as he does. Then he sits again on the edge of the sofa right beside me, his palm on my cheek. Slowly, he leans in, then brushes a gentle kiss over my lips. A soft tremor runs through me, and I curve my hand around the back of his neck, prepared to pull him down for a deeper, more enthusiastic kiss. “You don’t need to worry,” I whisper. “I promise I’ll stop when he calls with the results of the blood work.” I hesitate, my building desire warring with a lingering frustration, and I let my fingers fall away as I exhale sharply. Justin sits up, his brow furrowed. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing,” I say automatically. But my pleasant mood has disintegrated, and I continue, “I don’t like being under a microscope. But you’re determined to keep pushing it.” I shift to sit up, and in the process, give him a small shove. He looks at me with concern, his brow furrowed, and that only sparks my growing foul mood. “I just want to sit up,” I snap. He stands. “By all means, sit however you like.” I know I’m being bitchy, so I open my mouth to apologize, but that’s not what comes out. “You’re annoyed because of how I’m sitting?” My stomach twists unpleasantly. We fight—we’re married, of course, we fight—but usually there’s a reason. This one is all on me. I’m a mess, and I know it. My emotions have been all over the place today, and now something hard and hot is rising inside me, and it seems that I can’t control my temper, much less my words. Justin drags his fingers through his hair, his expression a mix of both compassion and frustration. “Baby, I’m sorry. This town. Your mom. Getting sick. You have every right to feel off.” “I’m not sick—I mean, come on, Justin, are you even listening to me?” Now it’s my turn to stand. I tell myself I should leave, because everything inside me is churning. I’m touchy and emotional, and I know that no matter what he says, it’s going to be the wrong thing, and that’s never how I feelwith Justin. Which means he’s right, of course. This is because of my mom. Because of Dallas. And because I fainted and then vomited all over the lawn of a perfect stranger. Just the memory makes me want to curl up and hide. “You put me on display,” I accuse. “Calling an ambulance just for a fainting spell? The whole neighborhood came out to stare.” “Christ, Selena. You passed out. I was fucking terrified. I wasn’t concerned with being subtle.” “You weren’t subtle at all.” I choke a little, then blink furiously to hold back the tears. “What the hell happened to the Justin Stark who holds his private life close to the vest?” He cocks his head, his eyes narrowing as he studies me. I meet his gaze, but hug myself, readying for the onslaught of accusations. That I’m overly emotional. That I’m tired. That I’m stressed. That I’m a complete emotional wreck because of this town, and maybe I should think about only competing for contracts that send me to cities that aren’t Dallas. Better yet, that aren’t in Texas. He doesn’t say any of that. Instead, he moves closer. He doesn’t touch me, however, and as we stand there, only inches apart, I realize that I am longing for him to do just that. I want him to enfold me in his arms. I want to cling to him until the world turns right again. Until I turn right again. But all he does is watch me. Then he says, “This isn’t about fainting. It’s not about being sick.”

“It’s not? Well, then by all means, tell me what it is that’s upset me since you know me so much better than I know myself.” “It’s about what I said to Caroline. About having kids someday.” I take an involuntary step backward. Because he’s right. I hadn’t realized it until he said it, but he’s absolutely right. We’ve talked about kids a lot recently. We had the conversation before we got married, of course, and again more recently. And we’ve always been in agreement that we want to wait. That he’s too busy being a master of the universe and I’m working long hours to get my own business off the ground. And on top of all of that, neither of us have good role models for how to be a parent. We’d agreed that we needed time. For ourselves. To get our lives in order. To get my business rolling. But lately, I can’t help but wonder if the expression of joy I see on Justin’s face when he plays with our niece and nephew doesn’t also have an element of longing. If he regrets waiting and wants to start a family of our own, just like Sylvia and Jackson have. “Someday,” Justin repeats, apparently following the breadcrumbs of my thoughts. “That’s all I said to Caroline. Not today. Not next week. But someday.” He takes my hands. “That’s true, isn’t it?” I swallow, wishing I could read his mind as well as he always seems to be able to read mine. “Just because it’s true doesn’t mean it’s not private.” Something hard flashes in his eyes, and for an instant, I think that I’ve pissed him off. But then he curses softly and shakes his head, his expression as warm as I’ve ever seen it. “You’re right,” he says, and I realize it’s not me he’s angry with; it’s himself. “Goddammit, you’re absolutely right. Sweetheart, I’m sorry.” “It’s okay.” His apology is like a ladder by which I can climb out of my deep, black hole. “Really.” I draw a breath, realizing I’m no longer itching for a fight. That, somehow, he has smoothed my rough edges. “I just . . . I didn’t expect it. I mean, we don’t know Misty. And even though Ollie’s mom’s like family—” “I get it,” he says, leading me back to the couch. “You’re right. And I love you. And I’m sorry.” He sits again, then pulls me down next to him. I sigh, reveling in the easy way his arm goes around me. The comfortable rhythm of being curled up against him. “I’m sorry, too,” I whisper. “You’re right about my mom and all the rest. It put me in a really crappy mood.” “I’d be surprised if it didn’t. So here’s the question I have for you.” His voice is so serious, I shift in his arms so that I can see his face more clearly. “Comedy or drama, movie or television?” I shake my head, amused. “Don’t you have to review some spreadsheets before your call about that production facility?” Justin wasn’t planning to work this weekend, but the construction manager of one of his foreign plants called right before we left Los Angeles. There’s some sort of crisis that needs to be dealt with first thing Monday, local time. With the time difference, that means Sunday afternoon in Texas. “And aren’t I supposed to be prepping for my meeting tomorrow?” “My call’s not for another two hours,” he says. “And if you do any more prep work, your head’s going to explode.” I open my mouth to protest, but he continues on. “Take a break. Chill with your husband. We’ll have a late lunch, and you can spend all evening going over your notes. Sound like a plan?” “So long as I don’t have to pick what we watch.” I yawn as I snuggle close, certain he’ll choose something amazing because he always does. And, in fact, I enjoy the first hour or so of Audrey Hepburn’s and Cary Grant’s shenanigans in Charade. I can’t speak to the rest of the movie, though, because the next thing I know, I’m prone on the sofa, disoriented as I wake from an unexpected nap. Justin’s voice drifts back from the bedroom area, and the television is off. I reach for my phone to check the time and notice that Justin’s notes are no longer on the coffee table. Which explains why I hear him talking to someone—he must be on his conference call. I sit up and stretch, fighting both frustration and worry. It’s far too early for me to be this tired, and yet I’ve been dragging for over a week now. Even before we left LA, it was often all I could do to focus on my computer screen at work, and coding often felt like slogging through a pudding-filled swamp. I would load up on coffee, but I think I’ve finally OD’d on my favorite pick-me-up, because lately even the thought of downing a cup leaves me vaguely queasy. In other words, I’m off my game, and that’s both frustrating and a little nerve-wracking. I’m hardly ever sick, but what if this time there really is something wrong with me? I’d told Justin I was fine, but that was more because I wanted it to be true, not because I’m certain. A walk-in clinic wouldn’t make me hang around for something like cancer. They’d let me go home, call with the bad news, and tell me to make an immediate appointment with a doctor in LA. I stand, propelled off the couch by the warring forces within me. One side telling me to stop worrying, that everything I told Justin about me being fine is absolutely true. The other side arguing that I’ve felt off for weeks, and that, obviously, something is wrong, and I shouldn’t have been so snippy with Justin since he’s obviously right. I scowl at my phone, not sure if I want it to ring so that I get the bad news, or stay silent so that I can hold onto the fantasy that all is well for just a bit longer. Then again, maybe I should toss the thing off the hotel balcony, because clearly I’m turning into a raging hypochondriac, and that really can’t be good. Since none of the options sound appealing, I’m about to head into the kitchen to scope out the mini-bar. At home, I have an emergency stash of frozen Milky Ways, but I’d be happy for even the thawed kind at the moment. I don’t even get one step before my phone vibrates on the table, signaling an incoming call. I snatch it up, then sag onto the couch when I hear Dr. Cray’s voice asking for me. “This is Selena,” I say. “Am I—I mean, is there something wrong with me? Am I sick?” “Actually, Mrs. Stark, you’re quite healthy.” I draw a deep, grateful breath, then immediately frown. “Are you sure? The dizziness. And I’ve been so tired lately. Nauseous, too.” “Your dizziness was caused by the rapid drop in blood pressure, as I—” “Exactly,” I say. “But why’s my blood pressure off? Please. If something’s wrong, just tell me and get it over with.” “Slow down. All the symptoms you’ve reported are perfectly normal.”

I shake my head. “No. No, they’re not. Believe me, Dr. Cray, I know how I usually feel, and this isn’t right. I’m not someone who falls asleep in front of the television before nine o’clock, much less just after noon. And dizziness? That’s just weird. Trust me, this isn’t normal. I’ve never felt like this before.” “I imagine that’s because you haven’t been pregnant before.” I can hear the smile in his voice. “Congratulations, Mrs. Stark. You’re going to have a baby.” 5 You’re going to have a baby. Dr. Cray’s words fill my head, random sounds that I can’t quite process and that leave me shaky and confused. I reach for the arm of the couch and hold on, trying to steady myself. “A baby?” The word feels thick on my tongue. Heavy and unfamiliar. “But that can’t be right. I can’t be pregnant. I’m on the pill.” I’ve been on birth control since I was fourteen and got slammed with debilitating cramps. “I’m sure you know that not every form of birth control is one hundred percent effective. You’re walking proof of that now, Mrs. Stark, because I assure you that pill or not, you are definitely pregnant.” “How far along am I?” “Nine, maybe ten weeks based on the level of HCG in your blood.” “HG—what?” “A hormone. After an ultrasound, your OB can give you a better idea of how far along you are. Since you gave permission, I spoke with your family doctor, and he’s set you up with an obstetricsappointment next Monday.” I blink and nod, trying to process that information. I’m pretty sure that’s not the way it usually works, and I can only assume that Justin’s clout is behind this elevated level of medical service. “Um. Okay. Who—” “His nurse is going to email you all the information. In the meantime . . .” He continues to talk, but it’s all just noise. Pregnant? How can I be pregnant? I try to think back to my last period, but the truth is, I’ve never paid much attention. I’ve always just dealt with it when it showed up. Now I wish I’d tracked the days religiously. Pregnant. That word rattles around in my head some more. I’m really going to have a baby? How can that be? I can’t be a mother. I mean, I don’t have the slightest clue how to be a mother. “Mrs. Stark?” Dr. Cray’s voice breaks through the chatter in my head. “I understand this is a surprise. Do you have any more questions for me?” “I—” I lick my suddenly dry lips. “No. No, thank you.” We end the call, and I toss my phone on the couch, then just stand there staring at the cushion as I take deep breaths and try to wrap my head around this unwieldy new reality. “Selena.” Justin’s voice is soft, barely audible, but it’s strong, and I cling to that as I lift my head and turn to face him. He’s standing in the doorway between the living area and the hall to the suite’s three bedrooms. There’s no expression on his face at all, and I have no idea how long he’s been there, or how much he heard. “What’s going on? Was that the clinic?” He takes a step toward me, and I see the worry break through the mask of control. “Are you okay?” Am I? I honestly don’t know. But all I say is, “I’m pregnant.” For a moment, he remains completely still, his eyes unreadable. Then a wild joy colors his face as he takes a step toward me. “A baby,” he says, his voice filled with awe and wonder. Another step, then another, until he is right in front of me. I expect him to pull me into a hug. To kiss my face, my mouth. To hold me so tightly in his embrace that there’s no room for fear or doubt. But he does none of that. Instead, he drops to his knees in front of me and presses a kiss to my belly. His shoulders rise and fall as he draws in deep breaths, obviously trying to control himself. For a moment, he simply clings to me. Then he tilts his head back to look at me. “A baby? Really?” His voice is so thick with emotion that it chips away at the numbness that has overwhelmed me. “We’re seriously having a baby?” I manipulate my lips up into a smile. “Looks that way.” I congratulate myself on sounding normal, because the truth is that I don’t feel normal at all. Instead, I’m nervous and stressed and twitchy, and I hate it. Because I should be basking. I should be lost in Justin’s arms, lost in this once-in-a-lifetime moment. Instead, I’m numb. Instead, I’m terrified. “Selena?” “It’s okay.” Hot tears pool in my eyes. “Really, I’m—” That’s as much as I get out before the sob escapes and fat tears trail down my cheeks. I’m not even tethered to the earth right now. I’m just a wash of jumbled emotions, twisting so fast I can’t even process them. Shock. Joy. Fear. Excitement. Surprise. Terror. Happiness. All battering against me, leaving me overwhelmed and numb and not at all certain that this can really be happening. “Sweetheart. Oh, Selena, sweetheart.” Justin is on his feet in an instant, and he pulls me close and strokes my hair. “Hey, hey, talk to me.” I want to—dear God, I want to—but my words are trapped behind a curtain of tears. I gasp, trying to relax as Justin rubs my back, making soothing noises. “I—I’m sorry,” I manage. “It’s just—I don’t know. Hormones, maybe. I’m a mess.” “Sweetheart.” The word is cut short by his kiss. So soft and gentle, I think I might melt. And when he finally pulls back, his expression is so tender it almost brings me to tears all over again. He takes a seat on the couch, then settles me on his lap. I snuggle close, craving his strength and the safety of his arms. I want him to hold me tight. I want him to strip me naked. To touch and to tease. I want him to make love to me. More than anything, I want to bury the quagmire of thoughts and fears dancing in my head under a blanket of passion. “I love you,” he says, and only when he uses the pad of his thumb to wipe away a tear do I realize that I’ve started crying again. “I’m okay,” I say, sniffling. “Damn hormones.” I’m still wearing the skirt I’d put on this morning, and he strokes his fingertips lightly over my bare leg, then brushes his lips over my shoulder. I shiver, craving a much more intimate touch and the oblivion that I know surrendering will bring. Except I don’t really want oblivion. I don’t want to hide. Not from Justin—never from Justin. And yet there is no denying that I’m doing exactly that. I’m closing off. Curling in on myself. It’s not a celebration I want, but escape, and I hate that my traitorous emotions are destroying what should be a moment of romance and joy. I swallow, then push off his lap. “Bathroom,” I say, then rush across the suite to the master bath. I close the door, sit on the edge of the Olympic-size tub, and just breathe. A moment later, Justin comes in. I lift my head, blinking as I look at him through tear-filled eyes. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.