#but for anyone worried about my health due to my lack of healthy eating i do take a multivitamin everyday

[dragonanon]

Finally cracked and ordered one of those little portable blenders with the intent of making smoothies for myself because I never eat any fruits or veggies, so my dumbass also doesn’t get much fiber if at all because I eat like a picky 5 year old. 🙃

[leggerefiore]

Vampirism

cw: blood drinking, vampires

kinda doing some Halloween based things but seeing as I usually write about monsters lmao

~

You watched as the Vampire Lord worked tirelessly at his desk. One might think they'd have few things to do in the modern era, but you knew that was untrue. Ingo always found methods of busying himself with things. Between running the subway system of Unova and managing vampire business, it seemed he was never without a document requiring his attention. His bat-like wings rested close to his body while he bit his lip.

Suddenly, a thought hit you.

“Ingo… When was the last time you fed?” you asked. He had not drunk from you in days, and you had not seen him go out to find blood for a while either. His features looked tired, but now you questioned whether it was from exhaustion or lack of food. If it was that, you were immensely concerned about his health. You understood his work was important, yet you wanted nothing more than for him to be happy and healthy. This was partly because you were his blood mate; the other half was wanting to avoid Emmet whining and crying about you not watching his brother.

His pen stopped scribbling against the paper as he turned to look at you. The moon's light shined beautifully through his office windows as your words weighed on him. Iridescent seas of mercury blinked before he stood. “Too long…” Ingo realised, “Oh, dearest, I'm sorry for worrying you. I simply got too busy to remember my destinations.” He seemed genuinely embarrassed and distressed despite his unmoving facial expression. The lovely eyes of his swelled with emotion. You tsk'd your tongue. This was no good.

Dark circles clung under his eyes as rubbed at them. His sleeping must have been restless, too. You had felt that he was tossing and turning beside you at night, but you kept it to yourself. Being alive for centuries could leave you with unpleasant dreams, you knew. Still, in the present, he needed to eat something. It was clear as he swayed while he stood. Easily, you presented your wrist to him. “Eat away, Ingo,” you smiled. Your blood helped more benefits for him than anyone else's due to your status. He swallowed.

“I couldn't,” Ingo shook his head and denied you, “It's cruel of me to use you as a personal supply of food.” You mimicked him with your head and pushed your hand closer to him. “Well, I don't mind,” your words were spoken with ease, “Come on, you need to eat. You're visibly unwell.” He bit his lip, but saw there was no way to ignore his hunger. An apology was murmured as he gently brought your wrist to his mouth. Fangs pierced through your skin with a practised precision. You flinched at the slight pain and shuddered at the feeling of your blood being sucked away from you.

Your precious sanguine quickly entered Ingo's system as he drank from you. Heat bloomed in your face when he let out a slight moan from the taste of your blood. His wings spread out and more was consumed from you. Just as you were beginning to worry about him taking too much, he pulled away. He licked the small crimson droplets that formed from the twins holes in your wrist. Quickly, it clotted and became invisible from sight. You sat down in a chair as your head spun. Definitely starved. You wished he wouldn't do this, but were always happy to help him.

“I apologise once more, my love,” he leaned down over you to press a kiss to your temple, “I am ever so thankful for your help… In the future, I will work to prevent this from happening again.”

“I swear, you do this every so often to just get a drink of my blood,” you joked and wrapped your arms around his neck. The coolness of his skin sunk into you, but you didn't mind, having grown used to his lowered temperature long ago.

“I do not,” he quickly retaliated, cheeks blooming with colour, “I get too involved in my work that I forget to feed. It's a bad habit I need to quit.” You nodded and pulled him to you, peppered kisses to his cheek.

“Mmm, I'll forgive you if you carry me to bed while flying,” you offered. He sighed.

“As you wish, dearest.”

[gtzgoblin]

So I'm trying to lose weight.

I've been trying for some time, and I'm aware this is a loaded subject, but I am (and have been for a while) technically obese, unfit and I'm worried about my blood pressure which is not good as a diabetic! I've also not liked looking at myself for a long while, and that sucks. As well as being concerned that the window for having another baby is closing and if I were to want to I'd need to be in much better physical shape.

That all being considered it's important but I have a really, really bad relationship with exercise (due to awful hypos) and with food (because I was told no to a lot when I was first diagnosed).

So I'm working on a triple front to improve my motivation to exercise (the weight loss is helping with that) because I need to get fitter too, to improve my relationship with food (if I stop myself eating something often I will immediately want to binge it) and to stop my hypos.

The metformin has helped a lot with being able to reduce my insulin, and my hypos, so I've been able to cut back on sugar in a healthy way, and I've joined weightwatchers because it's not too restrictive, but I do have more awareness of what I'm eating. I'm trying my best not to stop myself from eating anything, just to do it more sensibly; if I'm starving, I'm having a fruit or veg snack and I'm having less sweet stuff hanging around, that kinda thing.

I don't enjoy exercise (and I'm finding it hard to get the time!) So I'm trying to walk more and use the time when I get home early to do small things. Because I'm having less hypos and less nights with constant alarms I'm a lot less tired, but mostly I'm trying not to beat myself up for only doing it twice a week - because twice a week is better than nothing.

I'm finding here that my biggest enemy hasn't been the diabetes, or the lack of time, or the lack of energy or whatever else but mostly how I perceive things. Because I don't have much time, or much energy, but if I think about it like that it's literally pointless and nothing happens.

So I'm thinking good things: hey, my hypo rate is down massively - that's an achievement you've been trying to gain for 3 years, good job. So, you've only lost 0.2kg this week, still a loss. Yeah you're tired, but you'll feel better tired if you spend 20mins on the cross trainer and that's better than nothing.

The food thing has been harder to come to terms with and harder to break. I think I was diagnosed back just before people had a lot of control and was put on a twice daily regime which didn't really give much scope for variation. As far as I'm aware my parents were never taught to bolus or carb count or anything like that. I've picked it up myself over the years and I'm not sure how I've managed so well (other than I didn't well at all for some time!) but it all digs right into your psyche and I guess I really don't like the idea of not being able to eat what I want, hence why I'm now so big (that and having a baby and being exhausted). So this has been a process, and a struggle, and really quite eye opening as to the psychological damage diabetes can do to someone because as much as I know it can, I've not really thought myself to have any issues from it, and turns out I've opened the lid on Pandora's box and there's shitloads.

But also, on top of all of that, I've literally never hated how I look like I do right now and that sucks. We're so conditioned in everything to look a certain way and that way changes so often it'd be impossible for someone with 5 inches on me and -30kg to keep up never mind myself. It's unrealistic and it's damaging and honestly, to anyone out there struggling with how they look that struggle is real and valid but honestly, don't pay attention to the media. They want you to feel that way for control and for money, and it isn't worth it for something that is largely airbrushed and unachievable to begin with. Do what you're doing for you, and your health, not for anyone else. Because the world is full of enough barbed wire without tearing into yourself too.

This is a work in progress, but you know what? So am I. And I'm trying to accept that all I can do is keep trying, and to do my best, and to try and love who I am at every stage.

It's bloody difficult though.

[sevendeadlymorons]

Hey I’m that one anon from a while back that sent those long ass paragraphs about Lilith and Simeon, remember me? Anyway I know I’m very late to the party, but some of the boys are either getting to much hate or too much love over here (in my opinion) so I made a pros and cons list for all of them, I’m sorry- (I’m warning you now this will be long but I’ll put it in bullet points so it’s a bit easier to read, just read it whenever your mentally ready lol)

Lucifer (I hate this man.)

Pros

He’d help a lot with getting your life together wether that be finding a job, choosing the right college or other shit like that

He’d make sure your working hard and getting everything done, which is both a blessing and a curse tbh

He would be the one to take the most care of you whenever your ill psychically

Cons

He would probably overwork you

Doesnt have much time to spend on you and doesn’t make a effort to find more time unless your getting really sad about it

Probably wouldn’t be the best of help through issues with mental illness (he just doesn’t strike me as that type, feel free to disagree)

His pride would cause some serious problems in relationships :/

Mammon (I love this man.)

Pros

He’s the “if your sad, I’m sad” kind of guy so he does whatever he can to put a smile on your face

Makes his affection towards you known once he’s comfortable enough, mostly through things like hugs and head pats tho

He shows off anything you make, and I mean anything (you gave him a drawing? After showing it to everyone he puts it on the fridge. You wrote something? He reads it to everyone then puts it in his notebook to reread later, I think you get where I’m going with this)

Cons

There would probably be some communication issues due to his tsundere nature and habit of ignoring you when he’s mad

He’d get super mad at you when your trying to help him financially, maybe it’s a ego thing or maybe he’s just tired of hearing it

While his possessiveness is cute at times he’d definitely get way to overbearing if you don’t force him to cool it

Levi (I kin this man.)

Pros

He’d try to set up designated hangout times (like Friday is movie night, Tuesday is for RPGs etc)

Wanna spend time with him but aren’t very into what he’s into? While it will be harder to bond with him because of this I think if you REALLY wanted to hang with him he’d at least try to meet you in the middle (like if you like sports he’ll offer to play wii sports lol)

Insecurities getting you down again? Well never fear, levi is here! He’d find characters with flaws similar to those you see in yourself to prove that they don’t really matter (and since he struggles with insecurity himself he’d know how you feel and be one of the best at helping you through them)

Cons

Even if he makes an effort to meet you in the middle if you have different interests he’d refuse to get into “normie” stuff

He’ll guilt trip you constantly, even if it’s not on purpose (“Oh your hanging out with Asmo today? I get it, of course you’d wanna hang out with somebody cool and perfect like Asmo and not a gross yucky otaku like me”)

You have to initiate almost everything Hugs? You hug first. Handholding? You reach out to him. Confessions? You seriously thought he’d be the one to confess first??

Satan

Pros

Similar to Lucifer he’d be good at helping you get your life together and putting you on the right track

Unlike Lucifer, he’d actively make time for date nights and/or hangouts multiple times a week wether your going out for dinner or reading in front of the fireplace

While he himself might not be best at helping with comfort in the moment, he’d be great to turn to if you needed a long time treatment (you need a therapist? He’s got the best three in your area that you can afford and he found some helpful things you can do in this book)

Cons

As stated previously, he’s not the best with comfort, which can be an issue if you need a friend/partner who can be your biggest source of comfort (I’m not saying he’ll do nothing, it’ll just be kinda awkward ig)

If you vent to him about something he’ll always offer advice and while that can be good, sometimes all you want is someone to listen to you and getting advice can be annoying in the moment

I feel like hanging out with him you’d rarely ever get to talk about pointless things, everything would be serious you know? And while serious and deep conversations are good for bonding, some people (myself included) need to be able to talk about dumb things without having it turn philosophical

Asmo

Pros

He’s the best at boosting your confidence, there’s no competition

He’s more into spontaneous outings (he suddenly got the urge to go shopping, your coming with right?)

You can talk about just about anything with him, no judgment and he’ll never speak a word of it to anyone else if you don’t want him to (although he may brag to his brothers that you told him your secrets)

High emotional IQ

Cons

He has set things of things he’s interested in and his idea of trying the things your into is doing whatever it is for about 5 seconds then deciding it’s not for him

He cares a lot about looks, I don’t mean he’ll hate you or insult you cause he thinks your ugly, I mean he’ll constantly try to do your makeup, hair, and nails and he’ll always say things like “Your hair is a bit messy today, did you brush it? Yes? Well not good enough, let me do it” and “your wearing that out? There’s nothing wrong with it, I just think you’d look a lot cuter in this” and if your anything like me, that’ll get on your nerves a lot

While he’s great with emotional issues, if it’s a problem with anything like school or your job he’ll have no solution to offer, all you’ll get is a “You can do it!” and a good luck kiss

Narcissistic, need I say more?

Beel

Pros

He’s the best person to vent to, no judgment and tons of hugs and comfort food

He’s a mom friend, no explanation needed

Very supportive and always concerned for your health

Your in trouble? Call beel, he’ll help you and make sure your home safe before questioning you and will only lecture you out of love (unlike a certain older brother that will lecture you because “Your tarnishing Diavlo’s reputation by acting out like this. Your an exchange student, you must abide by the rules and behave yourself.”)

Cons

Food is his answer to everything (Sad?Food. Injured? Food. School’s stressful? Food plus a little help studying) and while food can be good for comfort, sometimes you need him to provide more than a snack

He’s the opposite of Satan in the sense that he’ll almost never offer advice when you rant to him, he just assumes getting it all out is help enough and won’t offer much more then a hug and food

Not getting along with one of his brothers? “They can be a handful, but they’re great people once you learn to handle the chaos” yeah he rarely thinks what his brothers did is a big deal so he gives you advice on how to apologize and get past it and he’ll give you food

Belphie (he really does attract the mentally ill people huh-)

Cons

I feel like he’d be good for certain people with social anxiety and people who have issues with always being scared about being a bad person (“you think your a bad person and are becoming more and more toxic by the day? Well your a better person than Lucifer that’s for sure, wether or not your toxic were going to cuddle now get in bed” or “your worried everyone is constantly staring and judging you for everything you do? Well I don’t really care about what your wearing or the way you walk so I doubt they do either, can we go home now?” ((Side note, I experience both of these issues and his uncaring personality would calm me, which is why I think this one of his pros))

He just wouldn’t care about whatever type of life style you lead and as someone who’s constantly scared of being judged for their lifestyle this would be amazing (“you sleep all the time? Same let’s nap together” “You don’t eat very healthy? Whatever, it’s fine, can we sleep now?” ((although it is a double edged sword))

He gets a burst of energy and just does the most random things (you see that tree? He’s already climbed half way up it. That petting zoo? He’s already feeding the lambs. That store? He’s already spent 30 grim)

Cons

Just like his twin he thinks every problem has one solution, but instead of food he thinks the solution is sleep (your sick? Sleep is the best medicine. A lot of homework? If you sleep you don’t have to think about it.)

At some point he just doesn’t care enough, if you come to him with a serious issue he’ll half listen to you rant then pull you down to sleep

He teases you a lot, which is fine teasing is fun, but he takes it too far. Maybe he touched on something your insecure about or he was too merciless, whatever it was, he won’t apologize for it, he just thinks your being sensitive. If he brought up some bad memories he’ll consider it, but his way of apologizing is cuddling

He doesn’t wanna do something? You guys aren’t gonna do it. You don’t wanna do something? Too bad, he wants to so your gonna.

I’m sorry this is so long- I tried to shorten it I swear- but anyway if you disagree I’m with anything, I wanna hear what you think

And even tho Beel doesn’t get much screen time and more serious moments, I think his character is way more then hunger

Random but I wanna add that other then Levi I kin Tamaki from mha and Ranpo from bsd

Dude do you just like torturing poor college students? This is so much to read, I’m about to cry 😭

I agree with the Lucifer part actually! Tho I do kinda thing he’s be good emotion support in some ways, for me, anyway. I feel like he may lack empathy that is needed in a stable relationship. Yes, he may be able to tell you with shit and honestly, he’d book my doctors appointments when I’m too anxious too so yknow. But yeah

Also agree with mammon. He’s a jackass when he wants to be, and I know he may not mean it, but his words are still hurtful in a lot of ways and he just can’t convey those emotions that’re needed in a loving relationship. But he’s so sweet and will show you off so it’s all good~

As much as I love Levi, I agree. He manipulates and guilt trips you throughout the entire game. It can’t be healthy in relationships but that don’t stop me from loving that sweet otaku boy 😔🖤

I agree with Satan too. I don’t have much to say but he’s avatar of wrath for a reason, for a start, and he honestly looks like he’d prefer talking about books than that funny thing that happened in class that made you laugh earlier

Agreed with Asmo too. Sometimes he may just get overbearing and the narcissism and the constant need to make you look better and improve you may get irritating

I agree with Beel. I don’t think he can comprehend that food isn’t an answer to everything and as a person who doesn’t cope with food and relatively hates it, he won’t be any help to me emotionally. He’s so sweet but he just won’t give you that proper support

I love Belphie so so much but I absolutely agree. He’s one of the most unbothered brothers who won’t care what you look like, yes, but that also means compliments may come rarely and like his twin, “sleep is the answer to everything” I can admit I like to sleep but I have a manic side that comes with insomnia and if he’s dragging me down and not letting me move and I just cannot sleep, I’m gonna get irritated and pissed off.

This got a bit long on my end too. I just really liked how you worded this and it was fun to see pros and cons of the ‘perfect’ brothers

I think Beel is more than food too, but I just don’t particularly like him either way cuz I’m not really a foodie so I can’t relate with him lmao

[fairycosmos]

the way ppl try to cover up their hate for fat ppl w concern abt their health when im thin as a rail and unhealthy as fuck due to addiction and nobody is worried about my health cos im thin lmao i know fat ppl who eat healthily and dont deal w half the health issues i deal with and they get hated on everyday like,, nobody cares about health everyone just hates fat bodies period

oh dude 100% it's always about hating and policing fat ppl it's sooo insidious. can we talk ab this cos i think about it a lot. ive never seen ppl play dumb as well as ppl who've internalized fatphobia do?? you got it down to a T. you get the dudes who do coke every other day, the women who chain smoke or vape constantly - and it's these very same ppl commenting unsolicited advice or insults toward random fat ppl online because theyre "unhealthy." or "promoting obesity" just by existing apparently. never mind that someones health status is a. none of our business or b. not a condition on which to remove or apply respect. like nobody has to be the pinnacle of health to be treated like a fucking person what. plus as you said, you can not tell how someones doing just by looking at them. and then they have the gall to play the victim when you call them on their very transparent bullshit with the whole "i think everyone should be body positive but being over weight isn't healthy 🥺" spiel and it's like, we all know what youre really saying and why youre saying it, man. ive mentioned this before but they never wanna talk about how capitalism contributes to the obesity epidemic, how fast food is made cheap and convenient and how having the time and resources to live 'healthily' is a privilege, or how lack of free and effective healthcare and diet culture exacerbates eating disorders, or how the common culture encourages a negative relationship with food in all of us esp women from a young age. nah instead they wanna have a free pass to be a cunt to bigger people and they want to feel morally absolved for it. omg sorry this got so long but i feel like its shaped my life for as long as i can remember and im so sick of anyone who isn't the beauty standard being vilified :/

* i am really really sorry to hear that you're not doing so well right now and that ppl aren't taking you seriously about it. obviously as a stranger online im not saying i can solve anything for you, just wanted to let you know that im proud of you and that you deserve to be listened to, you deserve the support you need. i think you having the self awareness to know that youre struggling and that you have a problem is a really good sign. addiction is a fucking beast like no other and every day that you get through it is something to give yourself major props for. sending so much love x

[shiversdownyerspine]

5. Deprived

Gettin a little hot in here. :B

18+

The kittens arrive in the quiet of the night, stars dotting the deep dark blanket of sky. Sleep had failed to find you, and so you had shuffled your pajama-clad way to your kitchen with a chunky knit blanket wrapped around your chilly shoulders. The thick charcoal colored material dangles to the backs of your knees as you wait impatiently for your kettle to boil water for a big cup of chamomile tea.

As the water softly bubbles to your earnest desires of being lured to sleep, you find yourself distracted by a soft knock on your front door. You perk up, knowing by experience that this would be your nameless, faceless animal transporter. And just like with every other task animal, when you open the door you find nobody in sight, just a randomly sized pet kennel resting on your doorstep. You kneel and scoop up the crate to bring it inside.

Excitement momentarily stealing away your drowsiness, you quickly switch off the heat of your stove and carry your cargo to your room. Tea can wait a moment, the water will still be plenty hot by the time you're done. Closing the door behind you, you take a quick peek to find two fuzzballs huddled together at the back of the crate. The kittens are awake but clearly tired, and judging from their quivering bodies, probably a little bit stressed. Not wanting to cause more discomfort, you quietly unlock the kennel door to slowly reach in and gather them up for a quick health check.

Eyes, ears, and noses look clear and healthy, tiny claws and whiskers and tails are where they should be, no bumps or scratches to be seen. You briefly tut at the lack of towel or blanket in their kennel, worried about the absence of warmth and comfort. You've tried requesting some basic amenities for when your task animals are being prepared for delivery, but your needs have yet to be met. You're fairly certain by now that they never will be.

Both kittens are male and look to be around seven weeks old, still a bit too young to be neutered. As a matter of fact, they are still too young to be away from their mother, but some things just can't be helped. Judging by the pale bodies and dark brown coloration of their ears, face, tails, and paws, they are chocolate points. Satisfied, you pop the babies back inside and grab up the fluffy towel waiting on your dresser, carefully pushing it in and around the kittens before moving them to your bathroom.

Nestling their kennel in the corner of their 'room', you drape another blanket over them to offer privacy and leave the crate door open a crack for if they choose to explore. Softly closing the door to your bathroom, you head out of your bedroom and step once more to your kitchen to finally fix your mug of tea. Hot drink in hand, your gaze settles on the stove clock which reads 4:57 AM. With a sigh, you sip your tea and tug your blanket further up your shoulder, lamenting the lack of sleep you will be suffering from come morning. You suppose in the end you'll just have to rely on good ol' fashioned coffee to offer you any sort of alertness today. Resigned, you wander off to your bedroom, but are interrupted before you can make it there.

Midstep, you nearly drop your mug when the door to your guest room opens and there in the doorway stands a groggy, long john wearing Otto. Long hair ruffled and eyes half-lidded, he peers down at you questioningly. You freeze, your eyes sweeping up and down over his defined muscles before a blush rises to your cheeks and you drop your gaze to your feet, murmuring an apology for waking him and quickly explaining away the disrupted sleep because of the kittens arrival. You apologize once more and quickly scurry to your room as a befuddled Otto looks on, wondering why you had been up long before the kittens arrived.

Three cups of coffee in, the morning comes and goes relatively uneventfully. You do have to insist to an avidly interested Oscar that he wait just a little while longer to meet the kittens as they are still waking up and quite uncertain about their new home. You promise after their breakfast he can visit, lightly patting the grumbling man's back in reply as his brothers drink their coffee. With kitten food in hand, you hope this will help coax the babies out of their kennel. You amusedly eye Butternut and Pumpkin who are crowded around the door to your room, smelling intently.

You nudge them away with a hum of, "In due time you goofs."

To your delight the kittens perk up noticeably after feeding, and after some consideration you poke your head out your room to softly call for anyone interested to come see. As long as they keep the other cats out, that is. Oscar is naturally the first one up out of his chair while Axel and Otto hesitate before joining their younger sibling. They were simply bored, but they did have some interest in the mystery surrounding you and thereby extending to your room as well.

You tell the brothers to mind their feet before noticing Otto subtly eyeing your odd assortment of bits and bobs you have collected in a small jewelry box that had long since lost its shine and its lid. As Oscar and Axel carefully slip into the bathroom, they linger to watch you curiously from the doorway as you step to Otto to reach in your treasure box.

"I'm a bit of a collector, if something has a good texture and makes an impression, I tend to keep it."

An old bullet casing brushes your searching fingertips; you hold up the item for Otto to take, which he does, warm fingers brushing against your own slender digits. He rolls the hollow shell between thumb and forefinger as he inspects it closely. Perusing your other little knickknacks, you muse aloud how you never really plan to do anything with the trinkets, just allow yourself to indulge in an odd whim every once in a while.

Hearing the squeaky inquisitive sounds from the kennel in your bathroom, you and your little entourage find your attentions being redirected. With a gentle bump of your knuckles against Otto's wrist, you motion to follow you. Behind you the man's eyes drag up and down your figure in a surreptitious slide, settling minutely on the full curve of your rear before forcing himself to focus instead on the little jewelry box as he returns the tiny article to its rightful place.

With curiosity sated and more information shared about the tiny fuzzy additions to your home, you usher your guests out of your room as the kittens settle in for a much needed nap. You're tempted to follow their lead and crash on your bed, but you have a couple more things to do. One task being to introduce the towel you had rubbed the two kittens down with to your cats as a pseudo meeting. The Swedes watch in the living room from the sofa as Pumpkin takes a whiff, fluffs up, and slinks away while Butternut just plops herself down next to the towel like it's the most interesting thing she's ever smelled.

The other task? Well, technically you owe Axel and his brothers a tidbit of information after you refused to answer a question about your feathers during his 'interrogation'. And as you admit to the Swedes that you owe them some extra information, Oscar jumps right in.

"What is...favorite animal..no..task animal?"...It's technically against the rules, but it's a good question so you'll allow it.

Excited, you gush, "My pekin duck! Now, I love all my animals, but being my very first task, she's special. Most likely she was going to be prepared for food but the target never made it to dinner. She was wild-caught so it wasn't difficult to rehabilitate and release her. Good thing the woods have a lake. Well, more of a glorified pond really, but she loves it."

Axel side-eyes you slyly, "Duck makes good meal, shame."

You gasp, "No!..Well okay, probably, but I could never eat Ducky!"

Simultaneously, Axel's brows lifted high, Otto choked, and Oscar gasped, "Ducky?! Her name?"

You hesitate, ears red, before exclaiming proudly, "Yes, Ducky. Ducky the Pekin duck...come on this shouldn't surprise you, I named my cats after squash! Don't you dare laugh!"

Otto was roughly huffing into his fist as you floundered. Oscar had shifted closer to you with a wide grin, bumping his knee against yours. 

Axel smirked, teasingly sounding out the two syllables, "Duck-y..."

The glare you send his way is intended to be irritated, but is quickly ruined by your twitching lips fighting back a smile.

"I-It's a childhood thing! I couldn't bring myself to call her anything else!" You rub your cheeks, as if that would somehow lift the vivid color from your face.

"The lake by our orphanage had a variety of birds, and every single one in that water was Ducky. I was too young to really care about the differences. Also it drove our poor caretaker crazy, which ah...kind of enforced the habit."

Your mirth falters as you process your little slip up...that's what your lack of sleep gets you, you suppose. Okay, no use fretting. Push on.

"So when I saw my first animal, her name was already decided really." You smooth the material of the towel in your hands, relaxing your posture. 

"Chickens." You blink, looking quizzically to Axel. He nods towards Oscar.

Otto shifts his weight from one leg to the other, hands tugging his suspenders as he adds, "Chicken thief."

Your gaze settles on the youngest Swede with a playful gasp, "Oscar, really?"

The man meets your feigned incredulity with his ever-wicked smirk and declares with devilish pride, "Salt and Peppar."

It clicks, "...You named them after seasoning. Because you were going to eat them?"

Axel drags his eyes from Oscar to you, "Eventually."

You can't help but giggle, the three men twitching at the sound, "So, when you were younger you stole chickens? Wait wait, I'm going to guess...it wasn't just Oscar..and he roped you two into it?"

Oscar barks a laugh as the other two sigh and nod. You grin, "Goodness, chicken thieves in my home. Did you all get caught?"

Smug, Oscar shook his head as Otto responded, "Nej. Too fast. We...kept for eggs, ate later...old age."

You bump your elbow gently against Oscar's arm, immediately drawing his attention to you, "I've never had chickens before, but my old Ducky does have a bit of an attitude. How were Salt and Peppar?"

Axel snorts, leaning forward, "Angry. Not bad killing mice. Also good flavor."

Otto folds his arms across his chest, nodding in agreement. You chuckle, "Okay if any of you see Ducky, you can't eat her. It's just not allowed."

Still staring, Oscar licks his lips, "..Can we eat you?"

Axel and Otto tense, eyes boring holes into the scoundrel. You scoff, completely missing the lewd innuendo, "Oh ha ha clever; I have feathers, like poultry. Very funny."

You stand with a smile, realizing you should really grab some kind of food mat for the messy eaters resting in your bathroom before lunch time rolls around. You retreat to the kitchen to search while the brothers linger in the living room, staring Oscar down. Butternut in his arms, the youngest removes himself from the floor just to lazily stretch out on the sofa, innocent as can be as he ignores his brothers obvious ire. Pumpkin slips out from under the coffee table to hop up and settle on his stomach in classic cat-loaf position.

Axel begrudgingly turns his attention to you, recalling your cheeky attitude and fiery stubbornness concerning his prior questions in the kitchen a good while ago...yes, he won't deny how heat had pooled in his loins at your antics, bubbling even more when he glimpsed charming pink shyly sweep between your lips. But obviously it wasn't enough to tempt him; no, he didn't imagine himself seated at that very same chair, boots planted firmly on the kitchen floor as his hands squeeze your rear, bouncing you naked in his lap, fucking the defiance out of you as you moan and beg and promise you'll be good- he sucks in a breath, nostrils flaring. Taking a moment to reign in his hormones, he stalks off to the garden for fresh air, scowling all the while. Oscar.

Otto grimaces at Oscar's impertinence and clenches his hands, hesitating as remorse unsettles his stomach as he remembers the feel of you, your back against his front, his hands holding your body helpless and trembling with distress...and wonders instead about making you shake with something else; smoothing his hands over soft fabric to push under your sweater and up quivering belly to gently palm your breasts, pushing fabric away to bare them to his touch, fingers brushing your nipples, lightly pinching and plucking as your head lolls back, your hips rolling to push your ass against him- he exhales, trousers feeling just a tad uncomfortable. With a rough swallow, he lumbers off down the hallway to their room to...regain his composure. Fucking Oscar.

Oscar knows damn well what he's done. He's noticed the way his brothers' eyes linger on you, their growing infatuation not nearly as hidden as they thought. At least not from each other. Now they won't be able to get some rather debauched ideas out of their heads; just like he can't get rid of the thought of your pretty startled eyes blinking up at him, but instead of up, you're peering down, doe-eyed as he moves down your body and between spread legs, preparing to demonstrate the actual meaning of his joke as his hungry mouth hovers teasingly over your panties, just close enough that he can smell you as the heat of his breath warms the dampening fabric.

Oscar strains his neck to sneak a glance at you in the kitchen, adoration softening his expression as he hears your joyful exclamation when you track down the food mat for the kittens. It's possible you were just doing your hostly duties, but they all notice how you blossom as you accept their presence and he and his brothers gradually accept yours. He has no doubt his brothers are subconsciously beginning to consider you theirs; he saw with his own incredulous eyes as big, brutish Otto held you still, firm but careful, not a single feather crushed under fist...or how Axel, steely, stern Axel, was opening up to you about their own lives, tiny piece that it was. He had almost been stunned into silence with that one.

The thought of you in their beds had been just that; a tempting thought, conjured by night and temporarily sated come morning. But seeing his brothers' walls cracking, little by little? How curious. He can't resist giving his stubborn brothers a little push, jostling their imaginations, maybe some taunting thrown in to strain those cracks?...oh, this will be fucking fun.

[fandomplethora]

so, i have seen something going around the mystic messenger fandom...and i would like to just share my thoughts on it. 

i would like to quickly add that this is just my opinion on it and my perspective. i also am not sure if this has been confirmed or not - but, either way, my personal thoughts mostly stay the same. 

in my eyes, it is no small thing what’s going around...whether this is a fictional story or not.

tw: heavy mentions of suicide and mental health. major spoilers ahead. 

i have had several discussions based on this going around. i have also seen it on instagram, heard it is going around on twitter and have seen it on tiktok.

i think, to go so far as to put something like that on another character is a bit much...even in a fictional game. it could, potentially, mess up a lot of people’s mindsets playing. i do not think it is a fair perspective on players or what this game is even about. it could also be possibly triggering to players. yoosung is depressed. he lost someone really close to him, that gave him motivation/inspiration. and his grades started slipping, he lost his drive and he just distracted himself with lolol without taking care of himself. and if we really look at it...no character takes care of themselves here. zen doesn’t eat properly...a diet of salad and beer, long hours. he sometimes smokes. jaehee works long hours without getting proper rest or meals - relies strictly on caffeine to keep going. jumin says he takes of himself but it is canon that people have seen him take multiple espresso shots to get going in the day at once. not to mention how he turns to drinking in different points of any route and his sleep schedule is crazy. saeyoung hardly sleeps either; just eats junk food, or mostly chips and soda, and struggles to take care of himself. jihyun is also not taking care of himself, including not receiving needed medical care, as he tries to solve everything going on in the background. saeran isn’t able to take care of himself either when you get to his route due to his situation, including further poisoning his body with the elixir. vanderwood is even in a similar position as saeyoung but, perhaps, dealing in different ways we have not seen much of yet.

so much of this can be attributed to, again, the stress every member is under due to their jobs, student life and situation. so much is attributed to their trauma, mental state, mental health... and so much we find out about in every route. it is also based around their relationships, families and secrets we uncover.

and, coming back to yoosung...i will say that, heartbreakingly, suicidal ideation may happen. and connecting it to the other members once more; there is a moment in jaehee’s route where jumin purposefully, while under the influence, endangers his own life. saeyoung is also severely depressed and “jokes” about his will to live at different points...and in jihyun’s after ending, when he believes his brother has passed, he no longer wants to live and has to be stopped by jumin and vanderwood. jihyun himself is so self-sacrificial...he is willing to risk his own life in order to protect others and to even prove his “love” to rika. and saeran does attempt suicide at the end of jihyun’s route after giving a farewell call to mc...and then has to be saved by jihyun who thanks god for him being alive. and, even before that, expresses (similarly to saeyoung) his lack of care for his own life. and mina (rika) is also shown to idealize self-harm and, perhaps, even suicide as well. 

...and then looping back to yoosung, i do think he is a character who needs help (much like everyone else in the game) and he does need to be acknowledged about this and for his struggles. his mental health, stress as a student, lack of motivation due to all of these facts and reeling from the “death” (another apparent suicide) of a family member close to him. again, i believe there may even be moments from yoosung about his own suicidal thoughts (i’m not denying this fact)...things said in passing based in moments of high emotion and severe depression. 

suicide, mental health/illness, including (in some contexts) suicidal ideation are all, heartbreakingly, major themes and subjects in mystic messenger. 

but, also, i have to add...that to say that someone would have committed suicide without another certain character...is detrimental to some of the positive themes shown in this story. themes of recovery, forgiveness and self-love. of showing actually getting better, healthier coping mechanisms and forming strong bonds with healthy relationships. 

perhaps, this theory (or fact, if it has been confirmed, i have not seen such confirmation yet though)...is saying, more in the sense, that without intervention for yoosung (and any member) these unhealthy coping mechanisms and pain they were going through would not have been properly acknowledged. it is a major part of the whole storyline to acknowledge their feelings and help them through that...to highlight the importance of that. (and not doing so, or encouraging further toxic behaviors, is what leads to the bad endings...this is not hating on completing bad endings or saying you shouldn’t do so - but that is what those can represent. and why only the good endings are considered canon.) 

but i fear that if anyone were to take the stance of “_____ would have killed themselves if _____ was not there” is almost along the lines of “i would no longer want to live if you were not here” or “i would k*ll myself if you were gone”...both of these mindsets are not okay, severely toxic and painful. and, in terms of forming healthy and strong bonds like these characters should (and eventually do)...it ruins the theme of that. the lesson in that.  

my point is; it is all about perspective and showing the deeper context of such a statement. and to please, please be careful when sharing such a statement or reading it.   every character in this story is not in a good place at all when you/mc/hana enter the picture. and, sure, it can be said that mc gives them that boost of energy (brings the spring breeze again, so to speak)...but, really, they just encourage them to do it themselves and talk to each other. while i love the hc where we can have a more active part in helping everyone - to say mc (or hana) does nothing as it is now is not true. 

they holds their hands, they are kind and they listen. they encourage them to take care of themselves and is just there through it. and when helping someone going through something - that’s what it’s really about. (there is no english translation for the webtoon yet so this part is just based on me skimming the chapters as they are released.) but hana seems to also be kind, encouraging and gives them that kick again. everyone in the rfa truly does care about each other and, sure, they needed someone to remind them again. but i genuinely think to take that dark of a possible “what if” is not fair to the story at all or the characters.

things like this never take just one person or are on one person’s back. it’s everyone involved - it’s a support system. that is just what the rfa needed to see more clearly. (even before mc came in and helped...it’s still said that, while the rfa were worried and didn’t know where to go from where they were...they still did use the chatroom as an outlet to talk to each other. so, they were getting there. could things have gotten more complicated if mc hadn’t come? yes...again, they changed the course tremendously. but for things to go that far is just...not true to me.) 

(side note: the only thing that makes me sad is how someone could be potentially left out when you’re on another route. it’s why i wish for a final route where you can help everyone. and/or what i’m wishing for the webtoon to be.) 

but each route gets to show the possibility of hope and recovery for every single character in this game - and how that strength and care and love was in them all along.  again, i have no idea about anything like that being confirmed or not. mental health is a HUGE theme in mystic messenger as a whole - but i take the perspective of what i said more when thinking about it either way. (along with some other things that I’ve posted about on tumblr before.) anyways, in your life, reach out for help if you need it. there is hope..support each other and you can find strength within yourself again. & in my opinion, when playing the game (or now reading the webtoon), that’s something it teaches and shows as well.

edit: this is not a “this is right and this is wrong” post. things are never black and white - mental health and recovery is never linear. i just want to add that in case anything here came across as preachy or like i was trying to sound...well, lecturing even. i am not a professional by any means and am just someone who also struggles with their own mental health. so, i hope nothing in this post came across as offensive, hurtful or insensitive.

[obeymematches]

Hello! May I request for a matchup?

I am a bisexual, Demigirl ENFP-T personality type.

I'd say I'm somewhat independent but would love to have someone by my side to happily live with, I find trust as something that is very important and due to past reasons it can be difficult to earn my full trust. I try to always be a reasonable and mature person, but I can get irritated at a few things (like LGBTQ+ discrimination, racism or plain asshole stupidity) that can tick off a temper, but usually I'm a person of patience, though if I do get really angry then I'm gonna also end up having a mental breakdown later -. I'm fine with waiting and am usually very forgiving. Religiously I'm an atheist, technically ex-christian due to family reasons. I come from Estonia, so I'm bilingual with English and Estonian but am also learning Russian and German. (Thinking of learning Japanese one day too)

I'm a rather fidgety person, fingers always have to be doing something, I can also have rather terrible memory sometimes with things and can forget.

I have low self confidence and self worth, usually struggle to be optimistic and can be rather emotional, also often an absolute empath when it comes to fictional characters for example.

I can be a workaholic and can be terrible at taking care of myself, I easily lose track of time and can forget to eat at times, also have a fuzzy appetite so sometimes I might not want to eat anything at all. I care alot about other people's well being though, for me appearance doesn't matter, I care for the personality and think everyone is beautiful in their own way. I am a short chubby brunette with a boy haircut and brown eyes, my hair is often thick and poofy and sometimes hell to take care of, due to some health reasons I have an itchy scalp and have to often scratch my head. My fashion depends on just if the clothes are comfortable to wear in the moment, that's it. I wear glasses due to a bit of a negative in my sight.

I sometimes struggle to have a balanced sleep schedule and am often stressed.

I hold a strong love for animals and the nature around us. I especially love cats and reptiles and own a cat and a leopard gecko who I would die for.

Fiction is an important part of my life, the moment I get interested in in some show or franchise you can expect me to become an absolute nerd for it, (good example is Pokemon.) I am the type to analyze characters and really care about everything. Books, shows, movies, theatre, anything goes. I really also love music, 60% of the time you can find me listening to music somewhere, maybe even singing, I multitask alot too. My music taste depends on what connections I make to fictional media, especially that of my own, aka stories and characters I've created. My mind is always going like a 1000km/h with all types of thoughts, my own fictional universe only keeps expanding which I wish to share with the world. My dream is to become a writer one day, which I'm very passionate about, and another thing I really want to do one day is travel the world. I also do some art and animation, but intend to keep it as a hobby on the side.

I'm an ambivert, shy and hesitant around new people especially those of higher authority and importance, but incredibly outgoing with the people I'm familiar and comfortable with, never getting tired from them. Affection starved, expect lots of hugs, not that much into PDA tho. For me first impression matter, on my part, I am quick to think that people hate me or are annoyed with me.

Even with my fuzzy appetite I do like food, especially of strong flavour, I tend to seem to like asian or Italian food alot. I'd say I'm decent and cooking but not very good at baking.

Minimalistic, not very demanding when it comes to anything, it's basically like "Better than nothing." would be the type to live in a rather small house one day. Somewhat organized in my own way, sometimes I can act a little OCD though when something is out of place in a manner that it's just - no.

I can be rather talkative, when getting in a conversation with me expect to talk for hours about all types of things, wherever the conversation goes. Even better when it's over a cup of tea or a long walk somewhere outside.

I usually try to be as polite and kind as possible, though I sometimes struggle, I always try to have hope for the world, despite my incredibly pessimistic mindset.

For a partner, I look for someone I can geniuenly be happy and comfortable with, someone I can be open with and not worry about being lied to. I would be incredibly loyal to them and I'd hope them to be as well, of course, I don't get jealous or worked up if they're hanging out with friends. I want them to also be happy, someone I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with. Someone who'd be okay with traveling and seeing the world with, someone I can just have a moment to relax with, sometimes just talk and listen to eachother. Like stated before the appearance for me doesn't matter, it's the personality- what's inside that does. I shall note, the harmless teasing can get to me. Someone who's a geniuenly good person despite whatever flaws they might have.

I hope this is long enough ^^

Hi my dear patient anon! 

guess what time it is!✨

i put a read more because it’s one long post! 

OK so as I read through your request I had Levi, Belphie, Beel and Satan on my mind. Though Belphie is out of the picture fast since you have low self-esteem and if anyone then he probably would take advantage of that. Satan too I think. (I know in general he is viewed as an overall good boy but i feel like he might scare someone with low confidence levels when he is at his worst. also he can be manipulative too if there is a situation)

wait- damn- Simeon also exists (also Mammon? though with him and you it’d be a very rough start)

so after some elimination and comparison between dynamics including Simeon, Levi and Beel I decided to match you with Levi but I highly encourage befriending the other two!  ✨ Simeon because of the similar interests + excellent cooking and Beel because he is a mom-friend + you’d always have something to eat too if he is your friend! 

phew it wasn’t an easy decision but here it is! 

Okay so let’s see Levi

Okay first things first I think we need to change your level of confidence my friend. Which means starting off this relationship as friendship - honestly he is on the same page as you regarding this for similar reasons so you two can relate to the other. But once you gain a healthy amount of sense of self-worth + confidence I think this friendship could develop into a very loving and healthy relationship! 

Just because he is a demon I don’t think he would use you, lie to you, manipulate you or anything similar to that. I mean you have similar interests and in canon Levi shows just the bare minimum of interest to someone whose lifestyle + likes aren’t similar to his. Also you’re his only friend besides Henry so why would he treat you bad I mean come on!!! he’s not stupid!! 

Since your relationship is based on being friends trust will come in time, do not worry! Levi is also picky when it comes to ppl so again as you are in the same boat you understand the other deeply. 

I mean Levi can be serious when the situation calls for it but in general you being with him would give you a nice balance with your maturity. He’s not childish but he has different approaches! Meaning he could learn from you but you could also learn from him! 

Tbh i highly doubt he would ever tick you off either or purpose or not. He is mostly annoyed by stupid ppl (like Mammon) and normies but since you are also into anime you’re safe!  

You having an interest in languages is something he will find fun! if i recall in the devildom there’s only one language? (they speak human for you though) so finding out about human world lore like that through you is going to be fun! also pls learn Japanese with him! (pretty sure he already knows so he could help you practice)

Okay so he can also spiral down due to lack of self-worth + self-love but as his friend you’re not supposed to let that happen!! 

well he also tends to forget about himself but on a side note he is very caring about you and your health so he is faster at taking care of you than himself. That’s why you have to look after the other especially at first when both of your self-worth levels are so low. 

pls tell him he is beautiful he will be flustered for the rest of the day but it’s worth it trust me

he absolutely finds glasses cute af he just has to look at you and !!!  

He’s not big into fashion either, though he would love to cosplay with you so hopefully you are ok with wearing cosplay sometimes!

Also your workaholic tendencies might get to him sometimes? like i’m not saying he is lazy but for sure he could do better. Thanks to your influence he will do better! 

the two of you gushing over fictional characters is just so cute;; think about that!! 

ok he is your #1 supporter of becoming a writer!! pls let him be your beta reader aaaaa

well both of you are passionate so the emount of encouragement happening in this relationship is to die for

him being a shut-in means he’s not very big on traveling, but if he could go with you he’s quick to change his mind! 

he also has trouble balancing a healthy sleep schedule but that just means you two can spend more time together so it’s a win-win situation

pls leave your cat with Satan when you visit Levi’s room because of Henry :( your gecko is more than welcome though!!! 

okay he is also affection starved af but he would never initiate to save his life so here you being an ambivert is helpful!! also it leaves you space to tease him which is always fun! 

regarding food you have a nice balance going on, he is more of a baker and you are the opposite! though cooking/baking with the other is always fun!! when he notices your lack of eating he will make sure to order/bake delicious food from the human world for you! 

well he isn’t the messiest so hopefully your OCd wouldn’t kick in when you spend time in his room. I like to HC that he is actually very clean. If anything is out of place in his room it is because it was meant to be there. Or he was in a hurry. 

about long walks outside you’d probably have to nag him a bit but soon he will realize that it’s actually not so bad.

bby is one of the most loyal demons out there so no worries you’re safe!! however he can be jealous easily so it’s nice that you are also loyal! just make sure to clear boundaries before establishing a relationship! 

he’s not one to tease you but he is very into you teasing him, so that’s that

overall i don’t think this relationship would have huge conflicts - sure, you have to nag him about going out but he is not going to protest once he learns that it’s actually. fun. to go out sometimes. i’m more concerned about the two of you’s self-worth and confidence levels, but again it’s about what you do for growth and it’s not something that can’t be changed if you want to change it. besides these i think it’s a very healthy relationship and you both can be yourselves!  

[cryinginagetawaycarr]

My reality

While I have had time to think, I was moved to write about how life really is behind those who were struggling before the coronavirus. Please take 5 minutes to read this.

For the longest time I avoided seeking any sort of help, I thought I was strong enough to provide for myself and my family in a country that was hit by the largest economic collapse in its history, a result of economic mismanagement by an illegitimate tyrant who brutalizes his people. I was wrong.

I am left with nothing, and it's so embarrassing to confess my reality. I was scared to be judged for my lifestyle, I hid my face so anybody would come close to me and see how broken I was inside. In the mids of all, I found myself living a silent hell, there are no enough words that could voice my despair. If anybody asked me right now to describe how living in Venezuela is like, I couldn't find the right words to use to exemplify the complexity of living under authoritarianism and a country plagued by criminality and corruption, where dark nights turned to weeks due to the lack of electrical power, where you vividly watch your dreams disappear into the thick air, where you spend your sleepless nights crying and reliving the agonizing face of your loved ones before they put their bodies to rest forever because of the country's collapsed hospital system, where you can't remember the last time you had at least three full meals to satisfy your empty stomach

So I started to live in a reality that was not mine, a reality that I created to feed my hungry spirit, a reality that was fueled by stress, fears, illness, and pain. I created a reality where I wasn't scared to go to a park, a reality where I was able to enjoy normal things in life like eating ice cream, where I pursued a dream, where I had a job, where I had enough food in my house that I didn't have to worry, where I had a healthy body, where I didn't cry every night for intensive body pains, where I had a normal life.

I tried my hardest to live up to my expectations, I looked for any opportunity to overcome my challenges, I suffer from chronic asthma that can't be treated because I either eat or die. I never dared to tell someone that I spent months only eating once a day because I was embarrassed, I didn't want anyone to find out that I had absolutely nothing to eat and my body was claiming food. How do you survive earning not more than $ 20 in a month? I can't buy myself anything, I can't enjoy a movie, I don't even own a cellphone or a pair of jeans that fit me, I eat only pasta once a day. It is hard to believe someone lives with so little, one may think it's unrealistic, but that is my life.

But what happens when you can't get those $10 or $20 you had to survive a month due to everything that is going on with the covid19? Even before the pandemic began, Venezuela struggled to provide health care to its citizens; and as the virus spread, this tyrant restricted and imposed a nationwide quarantine and curfew filled with terrorism where no one can leave their houses unless you want to be arrested. And using the coronavirus as an excuse to further entrench themselves into the government. As everyone around the world started expressing how they felt being under lockdown, I couldn't stop thinking about how that has been my life for years, and how I learned to normalize having a poor life locked up inside my house waiting for a miracle. I know we're all affected by the coronavirus, trust me I am aware of the damage, but I'm also afraid that if my life was in shambles before the virus struck, how me and my family are going to recover from this? 

If you made it until this point, I'd really kill to eat a sandwich.

I’m very grateful for the friends I made online, they made life more bearable, and for taylor swift because her music has healed me. 

[patrickstargang]

To Heal (Shadow of Kyoshi fic)

Chapter 1: The Other Side of Peace

Chapter 2: Master and Student

Chapter 3: A Cause for Celebration

Chapter 4: Taking Off The Mask

Chapter 5: Call to Action

Epilogue

*Disclaimer: this entire fic is a massive spoiler for Shadow of Kyoshi so if you haven’t read it I would recommend doing so before reading this

The great rain that had poured over the Fire Nation’s crops seemed to have traveled all the way to Yokoya. Luckily the strength of the storm had died down since then, as it could have brought caution for flooding the town’s harbor. The patter of water droplets against the wooden boards of the Avatar estate was a calming ambiance, a perfect sound to continue sleeping if it hadn’t leaked through the ceiling. One leak, in particular, was right above Rangi, becoming a nuisance as she slowly woke up.

Her eyes squinted, rubbing them to clear her vision. Once she came to her senses, she noticed something was off. A different air to the room. She glanced at the other side of the bed to find Kyoshi wasn’t there. The lack of an impression on the cushion signaled that she had been up for a while. At the same time, while Rangi noticed the change in the room, it wasn’t an unusual occurrence either. Kyoshi had been up earlier than practically everyone since they agreed to reside in the estate. But she also noticed that Kyoshi would stay up later than everyone else, a new concern added on for Rangi to worry about. She sighed deeply, hoping today would have been a change of pace.

Rangi stood up firmly from the bed. She didn’t require her walking cane anymore, as the progress on her health was faster than anyone would have expected considering how serious the injury was. She solemnly dressed in the usual Fire Nation military attire and arranged her hair into a topknot. She made her way through the hallways of the estate, some still battered after their fight with Yun. They were painful reminders of the events that conspired many days ago, but also for a time where they were blissfully unaware of the deception Jianzhu had enacted.

Rangi came to an open space in the estates, a space without a roof that would have been used as a garden one day, but for now, was just a big patch of grass for visitors to enjoy the outside air. This was where she usually found Kyoshi, trying to converse with her past lives or prepping the negotiations for Fire Lord Zoryu to admonish the Saowan clan of their charges. But she didn’t find her here. All that was left was a tea set, with a cup filling with rain that poured out onto the grass, and a half-peeled orange.

Skipping meals again? She thought to herself in disappointment. She stared out through the wall of rain that separated the creaky wooden coverings from the soft dirt of the grassy patch. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed the door to a room that was slightly open with light peering out of the crack. Rangi straightened her eyes and made her way to the room, ignoring the tea set for now.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rangi slid the door open with hesitation, mostly due to how jittery the frames became over numerous months without being replaced. She found Kyoshi, hunched over a table with an ink canister to her left, a lit candle to her right, and a letter containing Lao Ge’s updates on the Fire Nation in her hands. She broke her attention from the letter to see Rangi standing at the doorway.

“Hey,” Rangi wore a slight but sincere smile on her face. Kyoshi returned it back. She made her way to Kyoshi’s side, focusing her attention on the towering woman while she brought her attention back to the letter. “What's new today?”

“Not much, it seems that Zoryu’s keeping his end of the bargain, but we’re still keeping an eye on him just in case he decides to throw out the plan. So far he's been talking with a few of his chancellors to remove some of the Saowan clan from house arrest, but there's still those that were put in prison. Lao Ge will let me know if he gets out of line. And if he does, well…..you know.”

The warmth that Kyoshi radiated when Rangi first walked into the room quickly faded away. She knew that disposing of Zoryu was always going to be a possibility, but the thought of having to kill again to keep some perceived form of “peace” was continuing to strain her mind. This feeling transformed her face to a mask, one that was stoic and devoid of emotion.

Rangi’s concerns came back in full force. She would be lying if she said that she was truly behind this plan. It went against her own code of honor that she has been following since childhood. In fact, it went against her own basic morals. But she knew that the situation was dire, many people's lives might be on the line. She also knew that it wasn’t the easy solution, Kyoshi knows the ripple effect this would have across the Fire Nation. It was a last resort and nothing else. With time, Rangi started to understand why Kyoshi worked in the ways that she did. But it still felt wrong to her.

Rangi turned her head to the side, trying to hide her face. Kyoshi’s lips parted as she was about to say something to her, but decided against it. Then a different thought came into her head.

“Also….your mother will be here later today. Along with Sifu Atut.”

Rangi huffed, reverting back to a familiar expression, that of annoyance. “Great,” she said sarcastically. “I can’t wait.”

“I’m not excited to see your mother either, but it means you’ll get the proper healing for your wound.” Kyoshi then took a curious look at Rangi, examining her more sturdy posture. “But come to think of it, you’ve bounced back a lot more than I thought you would. I said you might catch a fever but I haven’t seen any signs.”

This relaxed Rangi from the previous topic as her annoyance quickly subsided into playfulness. “Maybe my strong will has been keeping me alive.” She gave her a cheeky glance as Kyoshi rolled her eyes at the firebender’s comment.

Then Rangi slipped her hand into Kyoshi’s, softly entwining their fingers. “Or maybe its that I have a great healer.”

Kyoshi tried to hide her slight embarrassment before Rangi gave her a kiss on her temple. For this point in their relationship, a gesture like that might have appeared childish, but it broke the tension with a bit of sweetness. They both laughed, enjoying each other's company as they let their current responsibilities be set aside for just a brief moment.

But it didn’t take long for reality to set back in for Kyoshi. Something else was on her mind, something that wasn’t the future of the Fire Nation. She thought about what might become of the woman she loved. Her recovery has been steady, but there was still the pressing question of permanent internal damage. The thought began to fester deeper into the back of her mind. She began to grapple with the thought that maybe she didn’t really save her. Her mind began to drift to those she tried to save, but couldn’t. She felt like she let her guard down again, allowing fate to take another jab.

Rangi was still smiling, she was caught up in the moment. But her face changed as she remembered why she came to her in the first place. “Well, I’ve actually got something I need to ask you. Have you been skipping meals again?”

Kyoshi stayed silent for a good while, eventually bowing her head down.

“Kyoshi, we’ve been through this! You can’t keep doing that, it's not healthy. Especially for someone under as much stress as you are. You need to eat.”

Kyoshi sighed, but tried to conceal it. She wished stress was all there was, but it was much more than that. Her sigh quickly became a chuckle. “It’s okay. You don’t have to worry so much about me.”

“But I do! You’ve been like this ever since we met back at the palace. I’ve been trying to help you get back on a normal eating schedule, but now I think it's only gotten worse.”

Kyoshi slowly turned to face Rangi. She looked like she was struggling to keep the mask on, pretending that everything is okay. “Its fine. I don’t want you to worry about my health, not when you haven’t gotten proper treatment for your wound.”

Something about the way Kyoshi said those last few words unsettled her. Before she might have said that in a somewhat combative tone, but now she sounded soft and withered. It wasn’t just her voice either, she looked tired. Not the kind of tired that could be cured with a good night’s sleep, something more than that.

“Besides, I don’t mind being hungry.”

Rangi didn’t know much about Kyoshi’s childhood in the streets but hearing this gave her a different perspective on everything. She knew what it was like to live off of rations from her time in the Academy, but she never knew what it was like to not know if you could even find a morsel for the next day. This was a feeling she never had the displeasure of knowing.

And it filled her with anger. The same kind of anger she had back at the lake in Hujiang. Part of it was anger at Kyoshi, for feeling like she might deserve any of this. That she deserved any of the horrible turns that have taken outside of her own control. But another part of it was at the world, for making her believe she deserved this pain. To say she got a real deal on life was a gross understatement. She didn’t deserve to punish herself for what the world had done to her.

But Rangi had to conceal that anger. Expressing her outrage wouldn’t help anybody. It was a feeling she would have to tackle someday soon, but today wasn’t that day. What Kyoshi needed was food. “Well, who's taking care of who now? Like it or not you need something to eat-”

Right as Rangi was getting up, she felt a tug at her wrist. Kyoshi was holding on to her tightly.

“B-Before you do that, could you stay here. Just for a little bit. I’m almost done with the letter, then you can make me eat whatever you want.”

Rangi looked down into her eyes, comforted by the sincerity of her words. She wasn’t putting on a mask right now. Without hesitation, she sat back down next to Kyoshi and laid her head against her shoulder. Kyoshi let out a long, breezy sigh as she returned to the letter.

Kyoshi was once again enveloped in a warmth that she missed for some time. Even after they reunited, they didn’t always get the chance to be alone. It felt like something she dearly needed right now. But moments of peace caused suspicion and worry in Kyoshi. Her life had always taken a turn into tragedy right in the middle of peaceful moments. A sinking feeling crept up on her, a sinking feeling about nothing she could identify. Her mind went to Rangi’s injuries again. She thought about the news she might get from Atut once she heals her. What would it mean for the rest of their lives? She wished she could silence these thoughts. That they could all just fade away.

As she finished the letter, Kyoshi attempted to calm her senses by focusing on Rangi’s breathing and the sound of rain coming from the open doorway.

[thepossibilitiesofus]

9/8/2020 & 9/10/2020

*I realized after my last personal post on my health issues I didn’t include any warning before I started talking about stuff that may be uncomfortable or harmful to someone (triggering), so I am making sure to do that this time, and I will go back and edit the other one to have a warning.

I don’t think anyone is actually reading these posts so I’m not that worried about someone having seen it yet unless through looking at the tags I included. But in the event that someone was harmed by coming across that post without the warning, I am truly sorry.*

Warning: Chronic Illness, Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, Body Image Issues, Eating Disorders, Mental Illness, Cannabis Use, and just generally kinda gross things. If any of these things are potentially triggering to you, please do not read.

Last time I posted about my cyclic vomiting syndrome, I was still in the middle of an episode. I mean, I still am, but getting towards the end of it (I think....God, I hope). Yesterday I didn’t throw up at all and didn’t have to battle nausea for most of the day. Then this morning, I threw up the most violently and forcefully from the very depths of my stomach (all acid baybeee) that I have since last Monday. I’ve been feeling really sick today so I waited til my roommate was gone to smoke cannabis to try and relieve myself of the nausea and hopefully be able to eat something. (9/8/2020)

I got really stoned, but only “mind high” as opposed to “body high.” For those who may not understand or have little to no experience with cannabis, there are two different types of strains of cannabis: sativa and indica. These two strains produce different effects, and are often crossbred to include effects from both strains (and these are called hybrid strains). Sativa strains are more likely to get you “mind high,” whereas indica strains are more likely to get you “body high.” I will leave it at this over-simplistic explanation for now, but please be aware that this is a huge generalization.

**I plan to write a post about my experiences with cannabis, in the hopes that it may provide valuable information to those who may hold stereotypes about cannabis and the people who use it, or who may just not have come across information on it before. However, that is not the main point of this post.** 

As a result of not achieving the “body high” that I was hoping to attain in the hopes of relieving my nausea, I went on a very emotional roller-coaster. I had gone into my kitchen with the hopes of finding something that didn’t immediately revolt me to the point of gagging, and failed, which is what triggered some unhealthy thoughts, and therefore some realizations, to occur.

As I walked back to my room, I saw my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing a bralette and leggings, which left a decent portion of my stomach showing. I have always been extremely self-conscious about my stomach, and never would have worn something like this around my house even a few months ago. My life has always been about hiding myself, especially this thing that I have always considered to be a huge flaw about my body. When I walked in my room and saw my reflection in the mirror, I noticed that I had seemingly lost a lot of weight. (I say seemingly because I don’t have a scale so I can’t know for sure. Regardless, I felt like that no matter what the reality was.) And for a split second, I finally felt kind of good about myself.

Now, to give some extra cannabis-related context. I learned in my Theory of Personality and Psychotherapy class the other day that using drugs and alcohol  (which is a drug, but I digress), and sleeplessness are opportunities for the unconscious--what non-psych majors might understand to be their subconscious--to break through to the conscious. When these things/realizations/feelings “bubble up” to the surface of our consciousness, we can for a moment have great personal revelations. (Another side note, this explains the Bob Marley quote “When you smoke the herb, it reveals you to yourself.”) Now, anyone who hasn’t used cannabis or other psychedelics might intellectually understand this, but without having used cannabis themselves, they lack the experiential understanding that users have.

With that context given, I can admit that at that moment of confidence, I realized that I have already started developing an unhealthy relationship with food and body image. I started writing this post a few days ago, and I must say that even removed by time from that situation, I still feel quite similarly, unfortunately. I realized that I liked the feeling of starving to the point of weight-loss, in a very demented and twisted way. I’ve always logically and emotionally known that intentionally starving yourself of food with the intentions of losing weight and “being pretty” is horrid. But when you’re forced into this kind of situation by your chronic illness and not by choice, it can feel like even more of an inescapable prison.

So, instead of judging myself for that feeling, I embraced it as a natural part of myself that isn’t wholly representative of my feelings or beliefs regarding my impaired eating. But first, I felt tremendous turmoil and discomfort. This feeling consumed me to the point of complete despondency.

Fortunately, through other not-so-pleasant experiences happening in my life right now, I have been able to utilize more effective and healthy coping mechanisms. I was able to fight through these feelings and come out on the other side. This is something that I haven’t been able to do in a very long time, due to a very long train of traumatic experiences, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of myself.

After experiencing and working through those intense emotions, I came to realize that my nausea had gone away. Even though I still wasn’t “body high”, and only “mind high,” I came to the conclusion that being able to fight my way through an arduous mental gauntlet of conflicting emotions was able to relieve me of my nausea. 

I’ve always known that my cyclic vomiting syndrome is tied to the state of my mental health. And over the past few years, having been through some really tough things has left a lot of open wounds on me, that need to be proactively taken care of. I’ve been going to therapy, doing really well with my self-care, and slowly but surely making my way through the trauma that my brain has been hiding from me for so long.

It’s a slow and grueling process, and God knows there’s a long way to go. When I first started writing about this, I felt very defeated. Now, I recognize the hard work I’ve been putting in and the progress I’ve made as a result.

I hope that by sharing my experiences, I’ve somehow helped someone else. (9/10/2020)

[dotthings]

Well that flayed my emotions as much as I hoped and in some encouraging ways YES PAIN WITH PURPOSE THANK YOU. There’s a lot here, as is usual with Bobo eps and I’m going to have to take this one at a time especially since I really really need to break down what happened with Dean and Cas in this ep, at length. Yep I am going to go on a bit about Dean and Cas. As you do.

I’ve posted quite a bit of meta about how the rift was a combination of things. It’s years of unaddressed issues. Dean’s abandonment issues vs Cas’s tendency to be taken away, or die, or leave. Years of that. Then on top of it, when Cas couldn’t stand with Dean about Jack, and when he kept some crucial information from Dean that he shouldn’t have due to Jack. Let me restate something I’ve said before: Dean wasn’t wrong to express his hurt and anger. He loves Cas, and Cas is imperfect. No Cas isn’t always the screw up and Dean I already knew regretted that and didn’t believe that (see? I told you) nor does Dean ever want Cas dead. But Cas is imperfect and Cas has hurt Dean, as Dean has hurt Cas. Then there’s Cas’s fears about not being needed/wanted, his doubts about his place in this family, and in Dean’s heart vs. the complicated mess that is involved in being adopted into the Winchester clan as deeply as Cas was. So their insecurities have been their own worst enemies for years, and then the Jack and Mary thing happened. And then ON TOP OF ALL THAT, Chuck and Dean’s wondering what’s real what isn’t. I was pretty sure at least some of that might make it overtly into the prayer. But no none of that.

While I think it is definitely good that Dean expressed himself so openly and did it in a prayer he definitely had reasons to believe Cas would hear and it is really really good Cas HEARD HIM OH MY GOD THANK YOU CAS HEARD ALL THAT. It’s also not such good news that what comes out here is that this is all about Dean’s anger issues and he “can’t stop it.” And I’m not deciding here whether this is authorial eye or Dean’s. It certainly makes sense that Dean would pull guilt onto himself (rather than authorial blaming Dean). But Dean pulling all the guilt into himself, crying and apologizing and there being very little in the ep to address the other side of this--the Cas pov, and how Cas has hurt Dean--is just more cyclical unhealthiness.

Maybe this prayer was cathartic. Maybe this will help Dean going forward, letting go of that anger, that guilt. 

So that dynamic therefore is actually really unhealthy. Lashing out at your best friend, who you love, that severely because you just can’t help it when a crisis happens and the pressure is on, even if said best friend hurt you? It’s not a problem that Dean expressed his hurt and anger, it’s that he went too far. And he couldn’t help it. And it wasn’t Chuck existential crisis or even about Mary, it’s just that when under pressure Dean lashes out at those he loves and can’t stop it. While that is a valid issue...that kind of takes the entire burden and puts it onto Dean. Full stop. It’s all Dean’s fault. Dean, how dare you get angry and hurt when you best friend does stuff that actually...hurts you. This is, IMO, canon putting the kind of pressure on Dean that fandom does. Only express positive feelings, Dean, otherwise shut up. Regardless of intent, that’s kind of what this scene validated.

So on top of years of issues Dean and Cas haven’t dealt with, chronic issues, about each other. On top of reasons here Dean might think the bond was manufactured by Chuck, but all right, that last point doesn’t seem to be presenting itself unless I reach pretty down deep into subtext. Maybe we can say it’s fueling Dean’s anxieties and made everything worse, ramped everything up.

But I think given how this unfolded, Dean and Cas having some time apart isn’t a bad idea. That this turned out to actually be “Dean lashes out when he’s panicked and he can’t stop himself” and hurt Cas so much with it is worrying and I get it’s supposed to be worrying. But I’m not exactly vomiting rainbows. I  WANT THEM TO FIX IT.  I’m incredibly uncomfortable with how the story (whether authorial view or not) places it all on Dean. 

This is, frankly, going to feed the Dean hate and I’m just so tired of it, it’s unfair, it’s a twisted stanning view of the character, it lacks empathy, and I’m sorry that this episode did something that validated people who literally needed Dean LITERALLY ON HIS KEES CRYING AND APOLOGIZING before they might believe Dean isn’t an uncaring asshole. Some of us didn’t need that to know, while it is good that Dean said what was deepest in his heart. Yet there’s still going to be stans who keep bashing him and saying he doesn’t care about Cas. I really wish they would just stop and they never will so I will ignore it best I can.

After what I just witnesses in this ep, I am beyond FLOORED if there would be ANYONE LEFT IN THIS FANDOM WHO COULD THINK THAT. I get thinking they need couples therapy or maybe they need space. I’m thinking it. But to actually keep flogging the idea that Dean doesn’t care about Cas, that was already egregious before this ep, now it’s REALLY really egregious to keep flogging that.

So I’m uneasy, for what this means for Dean and Cas--not that they can’t or won’t fix this. OBVIOUSLY THEY WILL FIX THIS. They want to fix this. The arc isn’t over--and for what it means for Dean.

On the one hand, I’m glad to see things dig so deeply into Dean’s issues. Because it’s not Dean hate to say, yeah he’s got some anger issues and needs to examine that. But on the other hand, Dean crying and apologizing on his knees is NOT THE FIX FOR THE RELATIONSHIP. Because there’s unaddressed stuff from Cas’s side. And I’m sure a lot of people are going to breeze right by that. Because in this fandom you have to choose Dean or Cas, and one or the other is being dragged as being an uncaring assholes. 

The good news, this ep was exactly what I thought and hoped it would be for Dean and Cas otherwise, in terms of getting them past that early season freeze. 

Oh that revisiting of Purgatory was effing beautiful, structurally and emotionally. Cas refused to split up this time. Cas waited at the portal. Cas went through the portal with Dean. There is healing in this ep, they went through a similar situation only with a different outcome. Cas isn’t voluntarily staying in Purgatory to wear a hair shirt this time. This time, Cas didn’t run off and leave Dean just to protect Dean, they only got separated after they were overpowered. Cas waited and waited by that portal and Dean looked and looked. That was no really, that was beautiful (whatever issues I have about the prayer itself).

This was the thaw. This was the beginning of the next phase for Dean and Cas, and no it’s not intended as a fix. The door’s been opened, the ice has broken, the walls have crumbled, so that they can fix it and hopefully to an even better, stronger relationship that all they’ve been before, which is really strong already but damn they have so many issues. While Dean and Cas have mostly been a comforting relationship for me on SPN (health for relative values of healthy) and it is mostly a positive relationship...yeah. Issues. 

JFC I just really hope Cas is going to get to voice how he feels about hurting Dean as he has and it does an incredible disservice to the characters and their story to skip over that, not just because I’m defensive of Dean, but for Cas’s sake, for the sake of his character and pov. I feel like Cas’s pov is incomplete. He’s not getting to express himself the way I really really hope he will and I think he needs to. Hell, can I have Cas on his knees in tears pouring his heart out about Dean, it wouldn’t be a prayer or actual tears probably, since he’s an angel, but give me something.

Howe even did things get to the point where it’s Dean carrying most of the Destiel and expressing most of the feelings and bleeding out emotionally again and again in canon and yet so many people act like CAS is the one doing all the pining, as if Dean is the uncaring asshole, while we have such gaps in Cas expressing his pov on Dean. It’s absolutely WILD. It’s beyond wild. 

The other good news is despite my discomfort with the speech, I am reeling a bit at just how expressive it was. I do think as the one who said the harsh things, Dean would be the one who needed to take the first sledgehammer to the ice wall and he did it. It’s not that I agree all the blame is on him. But yes Dean opened the door and that’s a good thing. Dean falling to his knees, weeping because he’s scared he is losing his best friend again. To PURGATORY AGAIN NO LESS *screaming internally* and with all the times since he’s lost Cas. It wasn’t an angry emotional rant. It was a vulnerable, sad, quiet pleading prayer directly to his best friend. I am a bit shook that the Dean and Cas feelings weren’t nested in with some other bigger plot thing eating at Dean, where Cas is one of a list, or it’s something else breaking Dean and losing Cas is just too much on top of that. No, it’s just a guy falling to his knees because he’s scared he’s losing his best friend who he loves in every sense of the word yet again and it’s just them and their feelings.

The last time we saw something this overt from Dean, tear-filled, raw, laying it all out there, Cas was dead and in The Empty and Cas couldn’t hear it.

Ohhh and remember how I pointed out in S14 Cas hearing in Dean’s trauma memories the scream Dean let out when he lost Cas and I wasn’t sure if Cas knew that was for him or not, just that it was traumatic.

BUT THIS TIME CAS HEARD IT. HE HEARD THE PRAYER. HE KNEW DEAN CRIED. HE HEARD ALL OF DEAN’S ANGUISH ABOUT LOSING HIM. (Hopefully Cas will get an actual clue now, I hope).

[vipclifford]

Minute by Minute

Calum’s days weren’t black or white. They weren’t dark and gloomy, they weren’t filled with stormy clouds of sadness and anger that dampened his week. They weren’t bright and full of light either. He’d describe his days as grey. They greys may vary in intensity and depth, in opacity and shade, yet they were all classed as grey nonetheless. Performing in front of thousands each night was white, which mixed with the dark colour of a homesick phone call to his mother to create a dull and neutral tone. Seeing you did make his days a lot lighter.

He had met you in the summer after he had turned 23. You were in your final year of college, taking advantage of legally being able to drink whenever you wanted. Not like it had stopped you before. He fell hard and fast and Calum struggled to imagine a life without you by his side.

Seven years later, the two of you stood in a hotel room bathroom, positive pregnancy test in your hands. Your swore Calum looked happier than he did on the day of your wedding the year before as he engulfed you tightly in his arms, spinning you in circles. Hours were spent researching online about the journey you were about to embark. A knowing look was shared whenever a new person was introduced, silently giving your opinions on the name. The morning sickness was a pain but Calum thought it was worth it when he heard his baby’s heartbeat for the first time. The pregnancy was kept a secret, apart from immediate family, until you entered the second trimester, neither of you wanting to risk telling too many people in case something went wrong. Calum hoped to God nothing went wrong.

Calum found you in the same position you were in this morning when he left. You were curled up on the bunk, grey curtains drawn, watching something on your phone. The mattress dipped as Calum leaned his elbow on it, kneeling down beside you, rough fingers brushing some hair out of your eyes.

“Hey baby,” he spoke softly with a small smile, only to be ignored. A sigh left his lips at your lack of response. “Crystal said you didn’t feel like coming to the show tonight. Are you alright?” His hands kept running through your hair, softly massaging your scalp.

Over the last few weeks, your smiles started fading away as the light grey of your days darkened. It happened suddenly. Seeing a cute baby on the street no longer excited you. The name suggestions became one sided as you stopped putting in effort to think. You began to spend more and more of your time tucked away in the bunk on the tour bus, telling everyone you didn’t “feel well.” Then you stopped talking to anyone altogether. All of his attempts to cheer you up, ranging from bubble baths to cracking bad jokes, were futile. Calum didn’t know what to do.

“Have you eaten today?” he asked a few seconds later, the question also being met by silence. Nonetheless, your husband already knew the answer. “Baby, you know you have to eat. You’re eating for two now,” he grinned excitedly, remembering that he was going to become a father. You frowned slightly at his words and turned onto your other side, facing the wall. Calum felt his heart ache at your reaction. “I’m going to get you something to eat, yeah?”

He returned from the Tesco’s near the petrol station the bus was parked at around ten minutes later, grateful for its convenience and proximity. Sure, it wasn’t the healthiest of meals, but at least it was something. The bag with the £3.00 meal deal was placed neatly onto the mattress. You paid no attention to it.

“Please eat,” he said after a few minutes, a desperate edge to his voice. “I know you don’t want to, but you need to eat, Baby. Even if it’s just a little bit. If you can���t do it for yourself, at least do it for me.”

The emotion in his voice finally made you glance up at your husband. He looked worried and desperate and helpless, and it was all because of you. Weak hands grabbed the bag to place it on your lap after sitting up, Calum stacking pillows to support your back. A small, satisfied smile made its way onto Calum’s lips upon seeing you take your first bite. Your eyes didn’t meet his concerned ones the entire time you ate.

“You can talk to me about whatever’s going on, Baby. You can talk to me about anything. You know that, right?” He whispered into the darkness of your bunk, hand lacing with yours.

With a squeeze to his hand, you led him to the small room at the back of the bus. Luke and his girl took the hint in Calum’s eyes to be scarce, leaving the room empty. They had also noticed your sudden change. Your hand never left his as you sat down in silence, staring straight ahead. He watched you carefully, pressing a kiss to the back of your hand.

“I can’t do this, Cal,” you murmured, your husband’s eyebrows scrunching in confusion.

“D-do what?”

“I can’t have this baby, Calum. I’m not wired for it,” you rambled, the pent up stress clearly evident in your voice. “I can’t be a mother, Cal.”

“Baby, that’s not something you’re born knowing. It’s what you learn to be over time,” he said with a small encouraging grin, giving your hand a soft squeeze. You shook your head at his words, looking down towards your interlaced fingers. “I don’t know how to be a father either.”

“No, Cal. You don’t get it,” you murmured defeatedly, letting go of his hand.

“Then make me understand, Baby,” he insisted, eyebrows scrunching in pure worry.

He hated the way you had closed off to him, unwilling to share your thoughts and feelings with the man you loved. He hated the way your expressions became blank, making it impossible for your husband to decipher your emotions. He wanted you to confide in him, the same way he was always willing to confide in you.

Calum watched you as you leaned your head back against the headrest and closed your eyes, silently ending the conversation. His eyes widened when he saw a tear cascade down your cheek, arm instantly wrapping around your shoulders to pull you into his chest. One of his hands cradled your head while the other slowly stroked your back, offering silent comfort while you cried against his chest. Your body shook softly as you held back your sobs, your breathing becoming erratic. Calum felt helpless.

Minutes passed by and Calum could do nothing except hold you in his arms. He pressed kisses to the top of your head, each sniffle he heard from you making his heart ache.

“I just want you to be happy,” he murmured, hand rubbing circles on your back. “Seeing you so upset makes me feel upset, you know? And if this baby is making you feel this upset, then we don’t have to have it. You don’t need to put yourself through anything you don’t want to. We can have kids in a few years instead, or none at all. It’s your body and your mental health, and I respect that. And I will blindly support any decision you choose to make because I love you. I love you so much, okay? Don’t forget that.”

Your heart fluttered in your chest upon hearing his speech, overcome with how much love you had for him. You pulled away from his hold to meet his eyes, letting Calum’s hands grasp your cheeks, wiping your tears away.

“I want this baby,” you told him, smiling softly at the relief in his eyes. Your hands moved to your cheeks to grasp his, fingers interlacing with ease. “I want to have a family with you. I’m just so fucking scared and I feel so helpless. Like anything I do can easily lead so something going wrong with the baby. A slight trip onto the floor or accidentally hitting my belly can lead to an instant miscarriage. It’s just so much fucking pressure and I can’t handle it.”

“Nothing is going to go wrong,” Calum said seriously, trying to make his words reach far enough into your soul for you to believe them.

“But it could.”

“But it won’t,” he declared, leaving no more room for discussion. “I’ve been so worried about you lately, we all have, because you’ve been secluding yourself. Now I understand it was due to fear of somehow getting hurt, but it’s not healthy, Baby. And I’m pretty sure you know that too.”

Silence resettled over the small room, grey walls seeming black in the darkness. His truthful statement made tears restart their journey down your cheeks, realising how right he was. Calum’s demeanour changed into a more worried one, pulling you back into his chest while he muttered repeatedly ‘please don’t cry.’

“Let’s play a game,” he murmured when your tears had settled, hand rubbing circles onto your back. “It’s called minute by minute. You up for it?” Your shoulders shrugged, feeling indifferent to his suggestion. “It’s like this: the only thing you have to worry about is the next minute. You in?”

You lifted your head from his chest to look into his hopeful eyes. Carefully nodding your head, you gently pushed his body into a lying position, tucking your own beside him.

“What do we do for this minute?” You asked quietly, voice so soft it was almost impossible to hear.

“This minute we kiss.”

“That’s chill,” you murmured, letting Calum pull you into a loving kiss.

masterlist

tags: @aftermidnightclifford @alongcamethedevil @rainingcal @5sobsessed

[hadit93]

Weight Loss Magic.

About a month ago someone asked me a question along the lines of “Is there something magic could not manifest for you?” My answer was that this year had gone pretty well but my weight loss target never happened. Never came close. In fact, went the other way!

Now I am not one of those people who believe only ‘thin’ people are beautiful and one needs to look good for the benefit of others. I don’t find attraction solely in physical form, I find the mind and the soul of a person far more interesting than the outer shell. If you are happy the way you are, if your health is not threatened, and you are filled with energy and life- you probably do not have to change for anyone. I want to mention this now, because I don’t want people to read this and immediately begin a weightloss journey in order to seek some sort of state of perfection defined by society. 

I didn’t do this to look better is what I’m getting at. I am losing weight because I have put a large amount on in a short time, because my lifestyle was getting out of control, and because my health was suffering. I developed asthma, I was tired, depressed, anxious, and my back was also starting to suffer. So thank you whoever asked me the question, because it gave me the kick up the ass necessary!

As I mentioned in my last post, a lot of magic aimed at weightloss manifests in illness which causes weight loss if you are also not putting in the mundane effort to lose weight. Weight loss will not happen healthily if you do the magic and eat chocolate and takeaways every night. If you are a good magician your magic may always find a way, it may just not be the way you want. I mentioned that weightloss was merely an effect of discipline. If I could cultivate discipline I could take more control in what I eat and how I exercise.

I decided to use sigil magic to this end coupled with a eucharist. The way I did this was I designed a sigil using the statement of intent “IT IS MY WILL TO HAVE MORE DISCIPLINE OVER ACTIONS THAT IMPACT MY HEALTH.” I crossed out all the repeating letters and made a sigil out of the ones which remained. I have kept that sigil in my diary and made a copy of it to use in the ritual- I will reuse the same sigil each time I feel the need to do the ritual.

The ritual itself consisted of charging the sigil- I prefer to use the death posture developed by Spare- please be careful if you try this. I then burned the sigil and called upon my Holy Guardian Angel to watch over the work and guide me to the right course of action. I took some of the ash and added it to a glass of spring water. Some people like to do their eucharist with red wine, I do not! I then placed my hands over the glass and prayed once more asking that the water be blessed, that my intention be absorbed by the entirety of my being. I then drank the water focusing on this intention and feeling the energy invoked spread throughout my being. I finished with the sign of silence to seal all within myself.

Now, I also did the follow up work. I bought a planner so that I could plan my days- I planned when I did rituals, when I had to go to work, when I had to cook and what I was cooking, and other chores etc. I simply sit down after my bath each night and plan the day ahead. It takes me five minutes and it seems to help me structure my life much more easily.

The discipline happened, but what I was shocked about was that the discipline came and it was not hard work. I don’t feel like I am restricting myself, I don’t feel like I am having to work hard to achieve something. If anything the flow of life seems natural. I am making healthy meals, I snack less, I get out more, I go on longer walks with my dog, I walk to places further away. I have more energy and vitality and feel happier. I am also drinking less fizzy drinks and more water. For once I am not worried about what I eat because I am making better decisions naturally. I am not worried about dieting, or meal plans because I know they don’t work in the long run. I’ve had a couple of treats, but in moderation, and I don’t feel guilty because of it. 

The best result of all: I’ve lost a stone and I don’t even feel like it was hard work to do so, I was shocked when I found out!

I’m not trying to say weight loss is easy, I know it is not. But doing magic to help in the journey, to cultivate the willpower and discipline helps it become easier as a psychological exercise. My weight was put on due to psychological issues- lack of willpower and discipline coupled with anxious overeating. That seems to have dissipated for now and healthy eating is a breeze. If it gets hard again I will simply repeat the ritual- I might even plan to do it every month anyhow during the waning moon.

Just thought I would share, it’s only been a month. I may do another update next year. Once again, thanks anon for making me have a word with myself!

[purplesurveys]

757

What was the best job you've ever had? I’ll let you know in 20, 30 years. Would you rather open a used clothing store or an antique store? Hah, you really asked this to the history nerd. Antique store, for sure. It’d be awesome to meet collectors or just anyone into antiques, really, and get to hear about their interest for whatever item they’re looking for. Do you think you would want to own a gift shop? No, just because I wouldn’t want to own a business to begin with. I’d have no interest in running it. Have you ever wondered if your friend was an alien? That thought literally never crosses my mind for any of my friends. Do you have a troublesome medical condition? I have scoliosis but it’s not very troublesome. It’s not super bad so I just have to always watch out for my posture and make sure I’m sitting up straight.

What's your most annoying neighbor's name? I have neighbors with a very loud, constantly crying baby; some days I find it annoying (especially when I have to work), but honestly I’m a little bit genuinely worried and disturbed because the baby’s cries are so raw and so bad in the morning and evening that I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt and thinking that maybe the baby has some sort of condition that puts them in pain most of the time, so that lessens the annoyance down to zero. Other than them, I can’t think of any other neighbor. Would you have started a business in high school if your parents had let you? I wouldn’t know what to sell or pitch in the first place, so no. What sport would you have joined if your parents had let you? I had no interest in sports. I did want to pursue table tennis, but my old school didn’t have a varsity for it. Do you have any tough life decisions to make soon? Yeah, for sure. Life is gonna get real crazy real soon. At what time of the day do you usually have the most energy? In the last few weeks it used to be midnight and beyond that, but I’ve been cutting back on sleeping very late. My body clock is still adjusting to the change, so these days I can’t really tell when my energy is highest yet. Do you consider yourself gifted and talented? I have several soft skills I can be proud of, but nothing super showy like knowing how to play guitar or being able to draw. Do you love your enemies? I don’t have any. Magenta, aqua, or coral? Coral feels like the most soothing color to me. Do you like the color orchid? That’s a color? I always thought it was just a flower lol. Checked it out and I’m not a big fan; it’s too bright for me. Would you rather be a wedding photographer or a nature photographer? Probably nature. Trees and flowers and animals can have several takes, but you can’t fuck up wedding photos so that’s a bye for me. Have you ever had an ulcer? I haven’t. Do you have a canker sore right now? NO it’s finally gone, thank goodness. I had the worst one last week and it lasted for like four days; it was super super awful and I ate so little then. Are you interested in health and wellness? Not really. There are times I’d consider joining a gym and planning out a diet just to be extra healthy, but those plans have obviously never become a reality. Would you ever be a fitness coach? No, I’m very unqualified. Do you ever question whether something that makes you uncomfortable is a good thing or not? Only sometimes, and only for very particular scenarios. Like sometimes I’ll examine why I’m often uncomfortable around Gabie’s friends and question if it’s a problem with me, or if we really just have very different personalities for my liking. Usually though, I don’t question and just go ahead and think that things that make me uncomfortable aren’t good for me. Do you think for yourself? I try to, but sometimes I’ll add other people to the equation. Do you live life on your own terms, or do you do what everyone tells you to do? A little bit of both. I’m still scared of being completely independent and do appreciate a second opinion. When was the last time you spent time with God in nature? What color is your bike? The family bike is blue and grey. I don’t have my own. Are you due for a hike? Eh, I wouldn’t say I’m due. I’m not desperate for one, but it would be nice to do one of them again sometime in the future. Do you ever wonder why some people think they're better than others? I only wonder this for people who think they’re better but actually aren’t. Do you have too many hangers? No, we have enough. Have you ever created a themed scrapbook? No. All the album scrapbooks we have in the house were made by my mom; she made one for each of us kids. Pilates or yoga? I don’t know, I’ve never given either a try. How often do you eat dessert? I don’t get to these days since I haven’t been out in a while. But back when Gab and I would eat out, I usually wanna grab something sweet after pretty often. Do you own a pair of cute workout pants? No. What's the trendiest item you own? Probably my clothes. I always make sure I’m up-to-date with them. Do you get irritated by people who lack common sense? Not really? Sometimes I’m one of them so I’ll give other people a chance if they’re a bit slow lol. What's the best drink you've ever had at Starbucks? I don’t experiment with my drinks. I just get my usual caramel macchiato and for me it’s already the best. Did you pull an all-nighter last night? Nah, far from it. I slept for 10 hours. When was the last time you wrote an essay? March 20-something. Do you enjoy writing essays? If I enjoy the topic, then yes. It can be a bitch writing about something I could not care less for. Do you enjoy learning? Sure! But again it depends on what’s being taught. I wouldn’t sign up for a calculus class, for one. What is the most dominant color in your closet? Black or white, for sure. Do you own anything periwinkle? Yessss. Gab gave me artificial flowers a few years ago and they were periwinkle. I still have them on my drawer. Do you know anyone who is colorblind? Nope, I don’t think so. What is your favorite fairytale? Not into those. Do you ever wonder why Americans celebrate St. Patrick's Day? No, it doesn’t cross my mind since I’m unfamiliar with it to begin with. Do you have any Irish in you? Not at all. What is your favorite name that starts with a Z? I don’t know many names but I do like Zia. Have you ever felt like you were going to throw up while you were at school? Sure. What color are your running shoes? I have several but they’re all white. Do you wear hoodies? Sometimes. I only wear them on my lazy days in school though. How many pull-over hoodies do you own? Two. Do you own a princess crown? I owned a tiara as a kid from my 7th birthday party, but not these days. I don’t think my mom kept it around when we moved. Do you love anyone? I love a lot of people. What's your birthstone? Diamond.

[plusperfect]

Triggering topic

But one I feel ready to talk about on my blog.

⚠️

-if mentions of eating disorders and related things upset or trigger you please do not read this post-

So I mentioned briefly in a previous post that I struggled with disordered eating. And I wanted to do a proper post about it. Some of my followers know as I have spoken to and tried to help other individuals too. I have struggled with eating disorders since I was 7/8 years old. Yeah, young I know.

I went to a boarding school. For those of you who don’t know this is where the school is your house. You sleep there and see your parents like 3 times a year. I was overweight as a child. 8 and 8st. I’m not proud. (14 years later I would find out this was due to a gluten allergy cause by an autoimmune disorder but this isn’t massively relevant to the story at the moment).

My house parent, the mother figure in your life at boarding school, put me on a highly restricted diet (without telling my parents). For 4 years I was only allowed 1 piece of break a week, my tuck (sweets and snacks my family gave me) was locked away and I was allowed one piece a week, my dinner comprised of half a jacket potato one individual pack of butter and one spoon of tuna fish with a small side plate of salad. No puddings. I was 7-11 years old and watching all the other kids eat whatever they wanted whenever they wanted with no restrictions knowing that I was restricted because I was fat.

I did what any normal kid would do and took advantage of being at home. Usually the day after I flew home my family would go out to a restaurant or the cinema to have a nice family outing- so I would eat, taking advantage of the lack of restrictions, and I would EAT until later that night when I would puke everything back up again. This developed into a subconscious binge eating disorder and purging routine. I wasn’t making myself sick but it was how my body coped and even now I still suffer from it not being able to eat the same meal for more than 1 or 2 meals without being violently sick.

I was VERY active as a child; I was on every sports team, did street/pop dance over my lunch break, extra curricular ballet and horse riding and I worked my socks off at everything because I never wanted to let anyone down. (This should’ve been the first sign that something was wrong other than just me eating too much) during the holidays when I was home I would join the middle aged mothers on my compound when they went for runs and when they did aqua fit in the pool; as well as all the usual running swimming cycling rollerblading and trampolining that kids do. But I was still big. When I moved to big school the teachers where more lax about my food; and eventually when I was 14 no one was controlling my food anymore, but I was putting myself on diets and workout programs to lose weight because I was the fattest person in my school. I was 10st (140lbs). Not really that fat considering I was 5”5-5”7 but I was a late developer so I was still kinda build like a toddler where everything was just kinda barrelly (does that make sense? Like no curves just a stick with a distended tummy) I tried juice fasts and high carb veganism, vegetarian diet (but I’m not allowed to be veggie coz of health issues), just salad and chicken, soup diet, 7lbs in 7days- you name I tried it. And nothing was working. I was not losing weight. At 15 I was literally hoping I would’ve comatosed so I could wake up skinny.

Then I was in my final year of school and I got a boyfriend. I stopped worrying so much about what I looked like (though I wasn’t completely comfortable with him seeing me fully undressed for nearly a year) I put on a bit of weight and ended up at 160ish lbs. Then I moved in with my mum and started university, I was in charge of cooking instead of paying rent so I was making healthy home cooked meals. I very rarely used oil in cooking, it was full of veggies and flavour and was balanced and a good portion. I was eating out with my friends on lunch times or having sandwiches, toast and fruit in the morning or a McDonald’s breakfast while on the bus to uni. More fatty foods than I was used to but not an obscene amount, and I was still quite active. But I ballooned. I went up 3st (51lbs) in less than 3 months.

I went to my gp and requested bloods to be taken as I was worried that I possibly had a hormonal imbalance caused by PCOS as that sort of stuff runs in my family. He took note of the bloods request but basically told me not to worry. I mentioned I had put on weight rapidly and he told me to eat less and work out more. So I did.

I spent the next 3 years yoyoing dieting, paying massive amounts of money on gym memberships, personal training, fitness classes.

And.

Still.

I.

Got.

Bigger.

My body image plummeted. I started fasting and dieting again. Eating healthily to have my body reject it because I was so anxious about eating and gaining. I was looking at thinspo and girls who were about 100-110lbs and wishing I could just be like them. I would watch biggest loser, supersize vs superskinny, my 600lb life all this programs to get tips on how to lose weight. I bought diet pills (they don’t work) I cried and screamed and threw my entire wardrobe into charity bags because nothing fit or looked good. I was working out 13hours a week and eating about 500calories a day. And still gaining weight.

So after a hellish and emotional final year (some of which I’ve spoken about on here) I gave up watching what I ate and exercising. I was up over 221lbs and I found out due to an accidental blood test (taken when I went for a ecg to check I wasn’t having heart attacks) that I had a thyroid condition which was why I had gained so much weight so quickly and why I couldn’t lose it.

But by then the damage was done. My binging and purging had turned into obsessively counting calories and fasting and binging until my body purged itself. However I gave up completely caring for the couple of months while I was in a very bad place mentally, this was actually my first step in recovery. It was the first time in a long time not caring and I needed that as it helped break the cycle.

Over this past year I have been working so hard on having a healthy relationship with food as well as my own health and fitness. I have bad days where I have to force myself to eat to accommodate for the energy I have used. And I have good days where I don’t have to fight the urge to step on the scale 15 times a day. It hard, on days where there is a lot of pressure or I have to relive some of the events from the past years it’s hard to not control that one little aspect. It’s why I sometimes forget to post weekly weigh ins because I’m trying to get out of using the scale a bit more and think about how I feel instead.

Running has helped me a lot over this past year. And I only track my calories occasionally for like a week at a time to make sure I’m not massively under eating. I’m hoping to work with a wonderful personal trainer when I’m back in the UK who specialises in female body conditioning and nutrition; my goals are NOT to lose weight (though I’m still aiming to get into that healthy bmi range) my goals are to get stronger, and develop and enhance my body’s natural shape with muscle, and get better with my food, what I should be eating and how much I should be eating.

I know my journey is very specific and there were a lot of bad events in quick succession that actually affected my view of things but I’m hoping this story can resonate with some people and help them to get help to recover or just look at themselves in a bit of a different light.