getting-rid-of-anniex

[getting-rid-of-anniex]

A very belated catch up

Flippin' eck! What a crazy few years since my last post! The post about Annie can wait a bit longer.

Annie X has been having the time of her life. Nothing apparently cheers her up more than a global pandemic, possibilities of yourself or people very close to you being incredibly ill (or even dying) if Covid was caught (before vacines etc), loss of income, working from home (and being my own IT department). Let alone home learning and not completely losing your shit and killing people you're trapped in a house with 24/7.

We're now, thankfully, out the other side. And, in the end we did come out the other side pretty unscathed. We were VERY LUCKY and I know that there are so many who weren't. Yes, there were incredibly tricky and testing moments for us as a family, but life has on the whole been able to return back to 'normal' or at least an new/altered version.

I may as well be starting this blog from scratch (although that's no hardship as I'm only two posts down anyway). ALLLLL the old hang ups/insecurities and worries and more came flying at me over this time. I dealt with the crises by drinking and eating my way through my worries. So, I am now 3 stones heavier (YIKES!), my asthma is scarily awful (and I now snore like an angry dragon), I've developed Pre-Diabetes and my grey hair has decided this is now the time to flourish. So, being heavier than I have ever been, rasping like an old hag who smokes 50 a day and with patchy greys, I feel like a monster. Annie is stronger than ever, sitting on my shoulder being the mega bitch that she is.

So, the promise I am making to myself now, is that I am going to start TRULY looking after myself. I HAVE TO start looking after myself.

I turned 40 during lock-down and it's been a much needed wake up call that life is passing by and I'm not making the most of it (or myself). I really struggled with turning 40, I felt as if I was losing a part of myself. Even basic tasks like hygiene have taken a back seat recently and that's both really scary and gross! I would sit in yesterdays clothes, fill up on crap, do no exercise, wouldn't even contemplate makeup or trying anything with my hair. Friendships have taken a back seat, I've been cancelling seeing those closest to me and dreading meet ups because all I have in my head is a dark cloud, I can't do happy chat. I'm struggling to remember things (and occasionally even speech becomes a bit mumbled and I struggle to find the words I need), and you can absolutely forget about anything happening romantically. My husband must be the most patient person on the planet. He's supported me even without knowing it.

In short, I had basically fallen in to a deep, dark hole of depression with only Annie for company, and for a while didn't know I was there. I've now woken up to the fact that I'm here, in this hole, but instead of sitting down and making a home for myself there, I am trying to figure a way out. (And trying to find a way to ditch off Annie whilst I'm at it.)

I'm still struggling with my identity currently. I think this is also down to being bigger than I want, that I feel like I've lost myself. I have no self confidence and I don't like who I see in the mirror. However, saying that, I can't continue to talk to myself in the way I have been over the past year. I caught myself calling myself a fat cow (I probably even described myself in even viler terms, but can't remember what those words were), ugly, and stupid. Annie eagerly whispered words of encouragement into my ears. Feeding me hateful lines. Why would you ever talk to yourself in such a way - why listen to Annie (she's a nasty, nasty shadow)? It's a cliche but if you wouldn't say it to your friend why would you say it to yourself?

So it's time to pull up my big girl knickers and start the heavy graft of working my way to a happier, healthier version of myself. I'm not planning on becoming a super slinky sex kitten, but I DO need to lose weight, I DO need to improve my relationships, I DO need to improve my health (with both exercise and food) and I DO need to find a way to take pride in myself, my appearance and general self. And I really need to first off quieten Annie's voice and then find a way to end our relationship.

So here's to new starts and a sprinkling of positivity.

Be kind and take care. R and Annie

[getting-rid-of-anniex]

An (Un)Healthy Check up

This is me, probably about 6 / 7 years old...?...(looks like I’m busy burying a vampire I’ve just staked?)...what I would give to let that little girl know that she really is enough, and to never let the world get her down so much so that she questions herself.

Fast forward 31 years and I’m now on a quest to try and get back to being as much like that carefree child. The most stressful thing I had to think about then, was whether I would get some sweets at the weekend and if Barbie and Ken would like the salon I’d made for them out of toilet rolls and a load of old boxes.

The unfortunate thing about ‘LIFE’ is that - ‘LIFE HAPPENS’(!) and the person you become is built up of many moments and experiences. In my case, my moments and experiences ended up helping to construct someone lacking confidence and overflowing with anxiety. I started dieting from about the age of 15 (and since then the weight only went up!) Friendships became toxic and I ended up having to build myself a new peer group. I developed a pattern of using food and drink to both celebrate and commiserate. I overindulged on happy days, sad days, sunny days, rainy days; to plaster over a stressful situation, and gee myself up when I needed some dutch courage. My health took a battering, developing asthma, bad knees (at one point the doctor did say I had arthritis...later on rescinding this?!?), IBS and depression. I’ve gone through stages of going totally bonkers with exercise, from running every day, to not at all and just lying on the sofa eating crisps. I tried so many times to follow weight loss programs - if only I’d saved that money instead. After repeatedly falling off the wagon I’d restart another program with so much excitement, only for the hard work to start and the realisation that this wouldn’t be a walk in the park, to hit. I’d throw in the towel and unhappily stuff my face (self sabotage anyone?) My stomach was in a constant mess resulting in time off work (and increased time in the loo!). I tried gluten free, but again after a month or two of symptoms easing and feeling good I’d then decide it wasn’t as bad as originally thought and devour everything in sight, only to go shooting right back to the beginning. As well as feeling like crap because my stomach was in agony, I’d also be mentally berating myself for not being able to stick to anything AGAIN. Why didn’t I have the ability to stick to anything? Especially when all the things I was doing, I was doing in the hope of helping myself?

Appointment no.1

After realising finally just how much I was hurting myself, and how much I was struggling, and after crying on the shoulders of some very amazing friends and family (I really hope you guys know who you are) I decided to see the doctor. To help with my IBS, anxiety and stress (which was a bowlful of Catch-22 IBS related loveliness!!!) I was prescribed anti depressants. Whilst these helped initially, they didn’t touch my inner demons. Self destructive patterns were repeated and the only thing I learnt, was how better to hide things from others.

This must stop!

Back in 2018 my body finally had had enough. After feeling like utter shite for months on end, monitoring over the course of a few weeks how my heart would start racing (just sitting at my desk) and having increasing episodes of hot flushes, I knew I needed to get in contact with the doctor. This time I really wanted to do something...and I was scared. The ball got moving though earlier  than I’d planned.

Sitting at work my heart suddenly started to race. (There were no harsh words/emails, up-coming meetings/reviews, and I hadn’t eaten a heavy or spicy meal, there wasn’t anything in fact that could explain why this was happening). It felt as though I was having a panic attack (although never having had one, I couldn’t say for sure?). Luckily I was able to get an appointment with the doctor (another one) later that same day. I feel forever grateful to have been given an appointment with this particular doctor. For the first time ever I felt listened to, rather than just hurried along with the explanation for everything being the bog (pun intended) standard ‘gluten intolerance’. This went so much deeper. I was booked in for blood tests (and stool samples - yuck!)  to check for any intolerances (also checking for Crohn’s and Celiac disease)/vitamin deficiencies, given leaflets on the FODMAP diet (although I do feel like this isn’t the full answer for my stomach issues, it definitely helped to fully monitor what foods were triggering my IBS symptoms). We also had a bloody good talk. I didn’t feel like I was just another foot through the door and that the clock was being watched; I really could have hugged my Doc. I left feeling so positive (for most probably the first time in years). Even if we couldn’t rule everything out straight away (there would be a lot of trial and error in the up-coming months), it felt as though someone was on my side and wanted to help. Someone had finally just sat and listened (I’m not including friends and family in that comment - believe me, they definitely have done more than their share of hand holding and listening. This just meant so much, having someone from the health profession listen rather than assume.)

Blood test results

Well the results came in: B12 deficient and lacking folic acid. (I did have to have a further round of blood tests to rule out Pernicious Anemia, but this came back negative.) I also had to provide a ‘sample’, but the only embarrassing part about this was the idiot monkey behind the reception desk deciding that she needed to shout out across the waiting room that my little tube contained pooh (ground please swallow me up!!!)

Diet

B12 and folic acid were tackled with supplement vitamins and a controlled diet (at the time I was going through the FODMAP diet - which was so hard to navigate. So in the mean time I’ve knocked that on the head, but have tried to limit certain foods and just be more mindful about what I am putting into my body - for example I don’t eat apples as they really don’t like my stomach, I have to be careful how much beetroot/coffee/chickpeas, nuts and chocolate I have and I do try to limit bread/pasta. I was put on a list to speak to a dietician....I’m still waiting to see them!)

I have also rejoined WW online (but if being truthful, I’m still struggling with this. It’s still that bit too easy for me to not track all foods). It’s definitely a work in progress. The recipes are fantastic - I just need to be more honest with it if it’s going to work. One positive with this app though is that it has helped learning to track my weight only once a week (I used to have a day ritual of weighing myself).

I’ve cut right back on alcohol (to be another post soon, as this is a whole other story in itself). I’m already feeling the benefits, and some of them in unexpected ways - my skin has never felt/looked clearer (and from someone who is obsessed with studying the wrinkles on her forehead, this has been a fantastic bonus).

Fitness

I’ve downloaded some fitness apps to try and increase the amount of exercise I do (sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day does not help with general fitness!)

ZR5K: I’m currently doing a 5K training app (learning to run whilst escaping from Zombies - I’ve not used this app when it’s dark, I think it would unnerve me too much).

Race at your pace*: I’ve signed up for ‘Race at your pace’ (it was only £10 (medal only option)...and I get a medal at the end - as long as I complete my target of 25 miles run through out January). This has been a real motivator - I love the idea of getting a medal at the end of the month. This has also been mega easy to implement - I just track at the same time as escaping Zombies! *£10 for a medal - more if you want a Race at your pace top. **mile target is set by yourself and you can complete it by either running/walking or swimming for that particular month. MapMyRun: I currently use this as well, to track where I’m going and how long it’s taking me. It’s been a brilliant tool for monitoring average pace, and I’m hoping as the months role by to see this improving. Yoga: I’m also starting to implement some yoga into my daily routine too. I find that as well as it helping to stretch and loosen my muscles after a run (very slow shuffle), it also helps me to unwind and switch off.

Mindfulness

Breathe: I have downloaded a relaxation and meditation app. As with all the apps I’m currently using, I’ve gone for the free option so with this particular one, I don’t get the longer/more specific meditations, but there are still a great range to select from. They have been really helpful unwinding before bed. I just need to get into a better routine of using this daily.

Supportive networks

The hubby, friends and family have all been invaluable to me getting to where I am now. My husband is an amazing man (also a pain in the arse, but hey - I’ll forgive him that) and I absolutely cherish all he does in order to help me on my journey to being a better, happier human being! I cannot stress enough, how you need people around you who (may not have the answers but) will listen - without judgement. I feel so incredibly lucky to have the people around me who I know I can talk to, cry on and ask opinions of. I’ve been incredibly honest with my boss. Luckily he is someone who I know I can talk to and he’s been very understanding. After worrying about time off work due to sickness (stress/IBS/depression issues etc) I opened up completely about everything - food, health (mental and physical)....and I’ve even asked if I can set my health goals as part of my personal development target at work. (Being proactive about helping myself can surely only have a positive impact on my work/life balance. A happier/healthier worker will have a better attitude at work and (I’m hoping) a more productive output???)

Other ‘things’

I’ve also tried to absorb anything and everything that is supportive, positive that will help shore up my personal goals on my journey to self improvement.

I’ve downloaded healthy living podcasts, listened to audio books on being alcohol free and been reading ‘self help’ books - such as ‘The Happiness Equation’.

So this is me - minus the fringe and wondering if I should have curled my hair (see, I’m still a stress head). I’m not 100% healthy or happy but I’m trying my hardest to get there. I’ve got a lot of things to figure out but this time I’m willing to try. I may not be a little six year old happily sitting on the beach, but I’m determined to approach life with that same open and curious mindset...and vampires beware, I’ll still stake and bury you, no questions asked if you try to bite!

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That’s all for now folks.

Along the way Annie X came on the scene. I’ll explain my relationship with her in the next ‘session’.

Thanks, be kind to each other and I’ll see you next time R (and Annie X) x

[getting-rid-of-anniex]

First things first!

Why the blog...and why inflict it on others?

This blog is an accumulation of many things. After feeling pretty crappy for a while now (a feeling that’s been creeping up on me for well over a year - but certain things have only jumped into my consciousness within the last 6 months or so); I realise it’s time I try to figure out what’s going on and more importantly what I can do to help myself.

After having to rely on taking medication to help with anxiety and depression, weight increasing over the past couple of years and the resulting knock on effects; shortness of breath (diagnosed with Asthma), aching knees and a general feeling of meh, lacking B12 and Folic Acid, high blood pressure,  increased alcohol consumption, general poor food choices, lack of drive/ambition/confidence/self love and the impact to relationships, worst IBS* I’ve experienced in years as everything spirals (I’ve never spent so much of my time in the toilet - I should have shares in Andrex...or pretty much any other loo roll going!), and an ever increasing self destruct attitude, I’ve decided to keep an online record of my attempts to improve my life/happiness and general well being! (And press the STOP button before this shit gets worse - or health issues become irreversible.)

Health and wellness has really taken a front row seat in peoples’ consciousness over the past couple of years (myself included). Mindfulness especially is HUGE at the moment. I’m not wanting to jump on any bandwagons here, but it has helped to shine a light on my own well being (both mentally and physically) and I’ve realised that I’m not okay!...and that’s okay!...as long as I try to do something about it.

This isn’t intended to be a ‘POOR ME’ blog - far from it (I’m crossing fingers that the end result is a positive one) - but it is going to be honest, and not all things are going to be pretty (NOTE: there is a high probability of some swearing along the way!) Most of all though, I want this blog to be ‘real’. No sugar coating. I’m not looking for a sympathetic pat on the back, but if by writing something that I’ve either previously been through or am currently experiencing, and it resonates with someone out there (...and can potentially help???) then surely that’s a good thing. Maybe we can help each other?

My intention is to create a safe place to gain some insight into what’s going on in both my body and mind; by ‘putting it out there’ then I’ll also have some sort of accountability. By recording/writing things down I may be able to get a better perspective on what works/doesn’t and it may just end up being that the process of transferring things from my brain, to words on a screen, that the end result is purely cathartic...who knows?

Anyhow...the best course of action is to just start isn’t it? Hopefully a year from now I’ll be a very different person...

Next up: ~An (Un)Healthy Check up~

Be kind to each other and I’ll see you next time R (and Annie-X**) x

*Irritable Bowel Syndrome

**Annie-X will be explained in the next couple of posts or so, I’m just making her wait for now.

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DISCLAIMER: this is purely a personal ‘work in progress’ blog/diary to see what works for ME in my quest to get fitter, healthier and happier. What works for me may not for you and in no way do I medically and/or officially know what the hell I’m doing. I am in no way endorsing or suggesting for anyone to follow my methods, this is purely a way for me to track my own personal progress and journey. Hell, I don’t even know if anyone will read this - but my very own ‘pain-in-the-arse’ Annie-X demanded I write this! _______________________________________________________________________