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popculturebuffet · 4 years ago

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Amphibia Reviews: The Shut-In

More Halloween Havoc, whoop woop! The Plantars return just in time for Halloween! It’s Shut-In in Wartwood, their version of halloween, but less of a focus on getting candy and more on getting suplies to protect yourselve and barricade yourself in so the moon dosen’t turn you into a monster. I remain not suprised. To pass the time our heroes tell some true spooky stories and Polly tries to find one they weren’t around for. Phone-Mo: Anne and humanized versions of Polly, Maddie, and Toady watch a cursed video and soon disappear by one. Nothing ominous about that! Dead End: A young Hop Pop serves as Chauffer for a mysterious man played by george takei and death seems to follow them at every stop. Oh myyyyyyyy. Skin Deep: Sprig and Ivy go to fetch a lost ball and end up running into the skin stealing seamstress. Arson naturally insues.. It’s Terror Time again, with full recap and spoilers, under the cut.

Whelp, no dancing around it this airing order is weird. And look airing shit in a weird way has been disney’s past time since the 90′s, Darkwing Duck’s airing order is a waking nightmare, and this very show had all of season 1 air within the span of a month and a week in order to get it on disney plus by launch, star vs had it’s last season burned off in three months, and Ducktales pre-covid flip flopped from airing week to week to just one for some reason and then no others for months. Consitency is not their strong suit is what i’m saying and it’s not new. And yes I get these holiday special episodes are mecurial: their built specifically to slot in wherever without really upsetting continuity: The Casagrandes recently aired their first season 2 episode before even finishing season 1, so this isn’t just a disney thing, while speaking of disney things ducktales had it’s first proper halloweeen episode air the week before a spring break set episode, with a christmas episode set to air next month. What i’m saying is I get these things sometimes don’t air in production order, but it’s less excuable on Disney’s part here when it’d take airing exactly one episode for this not to be a tad jarring. Not enough that it spoils the episode nor does the episode effect the ongoing story or continuity in any way, so it’s not TERRIBLE but it smacks of lazy incompetence on Disney’s part and I wish they’d do better already.

Okay that rant out of the way we can dive right in! It’s the annual Shut-In in Wartwood! Basically their verison of halloween but instead of a fun spooky holiday, it’s the annual tradition of getting various things from the neighbors to help stay indoors during the blue moon, which in wartwood turns whoever views into a monster. Because of course their halloween is a fight for suvival. Also theirs pumpkins everywhere with their versions of jack o lanterns being fear gourds which.. okay. Point is instead of candy the kids trick or treating has turned up rusty nails, a hatchet, a first aid kit and anne, winning the night, a flamethrower! On one hand it’s neat these exist in wartwood via fire breathing slugs. On the other I do worry about Anne accidently burning everyone and everything down so please take that from her.

The Plantars then lock themselves in. To stave off bordeom, Shut-In tradition is to go around the fire and tell each other creepy true stories that happened to them. Polly tries going first but just has the Inn story from last season which they were all there for.. thought hat dosen’t make complete sense as they werent’ awake for all of it and shoudl’ve just let her tell her side of things. But eh it sets up polly’s plot so fair enough. Luckily anne has one. So we get our first tale of terror Terror Tales of the Park/Treehouse of Horror III Styles...

Phone-Mo

Anne’s story is very clearly made up, though no one really calls her on it and it DOES add elemnts from the domino II story from last season so fair enough. Rather than use her real friends, which is fair enough since she just sadly had to say goodbye to Marcy and probably isn’t handeling the guilt well and Sasha you know.. tried to stab her a few months back then tried sacrifcing herself for Anne’s own well being. Point is thnking about them is a loaaded issue right now so instead she dreams up human versions of Sprig, Polly, with a bucket on her foot for a shot which is a nice visual gag, as is how we meet them, along with Maddie and for some weird reason Toady. I mean I do get Ivy is in our third story, so fair enough, but they could’ve used.. anyone else. Wally would’ve made more sense honestly and he’s also an adult but he’s also you know Anne’s friend and not some town asshole she vaugley knows. It’s just weird. That said I do love the human designs for everyone and they clearly put a lot of work in knowing the fans would like them, with little touches like Polly having pink hair, sprig having his normal haircut he does under the hat but not covered up and toady’s phone having a little keychain of his amphibia version. Also while they all have diffrent names including Anne I won’t be using them on the grounds that I don’t wanna.

Anne and the plantars are watching a funny internet video when Toady and Maddie offer to show them one that’s apparently cursed and makes whoever watched it disappear. Sprig talks Anne out of it and keeps her from watching anyway but Polly’s naturally all in. ON the way to class, once sprig is gone, anne ends up watching it and liking it anyway because she has no self control and freely admits it. Naturally given this is a halloween episode, the others start disapearing, with Maddie coming to anne with support after Toady vanishes which again is just.. weird. It’s just weird to hear anyone car about wether toady lives or dies. It keeps throwing me off. Anne reasssures her but sure enough the second anne’s gone Maddie’s phone eats her alive. Still nice to see her again. Regular Maddie should get a hoodie. Also anne apparently eats the corners of her sandwitch so she dosen’t have to share. Clever girl. Back at home where Anne continues to mock whoever it is told her she can’t write stories as she makes a gila monster and a flamingo make out, where are they I must hurt them, when Sprig calls panicked that polly is missing and admits i’ts a good thing they ddin’t watch the video.. yeah about that. Sprig is of course freaked, and soon the video pops on anne’s phone and soon the weird cat thing inside comes to life and then turns deadly.. also it turns out it eats the host then forces them to be int he background of the video, which was hinted at earlier with one guy having been in there for 35 years.. despite having a smartphone. Well this is anne’s story I don’t think she knows those didn’t exist once.

Luckily Anne figures out how to beat it.. in the most hilarious way possible. by disliking it, since liking and commeting linked it to her, she weakens it before finishing it with a rude comment. It’s.. i’ts purespun comedy gold. This frees everyone else and they leave along with sprig.. but eggs are left behind. Dun dun dun. Final Thoughts on Phone Mo:

First off .. I have no idea what FOMO means so the title left me as lost at first at the plantars... oh okay it’s fear of missing out.. should’ve remebered that from brooklyn nine nine and amy’s legendadrily bad case of it. Aw well a decent story, if the weakest of the three. It does have an incredibly funny conclusion, neat human designs, and an intresting setting given while school stories are common, usually we don’t get that here so it’s a nice break from the norm. But compared to the genuinely chilling with a funny and odd climax next two, it’s just okay. Not bad, but not quite as good. Back in the present, Polly once again tries this time with children of the spore, once again being shot down though that being said hop pop’s line of “I was responsible for that one” was given a great delvery by charlie addler. Also Anne missed Wally’s birthday and he’s sad. oh Wally. Though i’m sure she’ll make it up to him.. at least he’s back home. So anyways speaking of HOp Pop, it’s his turn for a story...

Dead End: And it’s a story from Hop Pop’s Youth! Given we’ve never SEEN hop pop beyond his present day and only heard the ocasional scrap, it’s REALLY nice to hear. It dosen’t tell us a ton more granted, but we at least see what he looked like, get to hear charlie adler use a slightly less aged voice for him and get to see him with a luxrious golden mane of johnny bravo hair, which is as hilaroius and glorious as it sounds.

Back in those days Hop Pop was a coachman. He still had the farm, but given how tight things are now it’s not a stretch to assume he could always use some extra coppers to keep his family we never get to know about besides the grandkids fed. He also prides himself on honest work, not taking payment till the rides finished and the customer is satisfied which is INCREIDBLY risky, but I do kinda get it both for Hopidah’s sense of honor and because it seems clear he mostly does it in town by the fact all his stops this ep are within wartwood or close enough, so clearly it’s mostly people he knows personally. This time though the rider is the well dressed, crimson red Mr. Littlepot, played by George Takei. Best known for Star Trek, being out and proud and since coming out after years and years in the closet, using his celebrity to help promote gay rights and other good stuff. He’s also known for saying ohhhh myyy and this clip from futurama.

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I got a lot of respect for the guy, He was even in archie comics once after Kevin Keller was introduced. So it’s nice to see him doing some voice work and he kills it here.. pun intended but more on that in a sec. Littlepot has some simple rule: keep driving no matter what hapepned where he was.. and given both places he ends up have someone dying, once by a horrifying looking snake, it’s clear somethings up. IT also nicely builds the tension as hop pop tries to steady himself, but is clearly cracking as he realizes his client might be murdering people he knows.. and he could be next. As Hopidiah KNOWS each person Littlepot visits and it nicely ratches up the tension. But turns out he’s not a killer.. he’s simplyd eath himself come to collect those already about to die.

It’s a nice twist: The genuine trappings of the guy make you think h’es some form of the devil, the crimson skin, yellow eyes and cultured demanor.. it’s only as he goes you start to realize what the man actually is and even then he easily could still be frog satan. But no he’s just the frog reaper and defends himself to Hop Pop when confronted: He’s just doing his job, just like Hopidiah, getting people where they need to be. Unforutnately for Hop Pop his final stop is the farm.. though thankfully for him he hasnt come for Hopidiah.. just his hair. Yeah it’s a nice comedic twist on an otherwise chiling and well done story that what the devil came to take is his hair.. which he starts wearing hilariously. So Hop Pop lives but sobs, and Anne points out it was pretty fucked up.

Final Thoughts for Dead End: Not much to say. This one was dripping with atmosphere, Takei was utterly awesome and need to do more voice work, and the comedic ending twist was really damn funny. Top notch.

Polly tries again, gets shut down again and is now really understandably frustrated at not having a story. Naturally given the other plantars have gone though, Sprig does. And he dosen’t have at itle at first until one cuts him off ....

Skin Deep:

Ivy’s Back!

Yeah I was genuinely worried the return ep would break up either her and sprig or hop pop and silvia.. and while the second one remains a horrifying sword of damocles over my head, Sprig and Ivy are fine and Ivy gets a nice spotlight episode here. It was a pleasant surprise to get some fresh info since i’tll be months till we find out anything else. So the young couple are playing bugball down at the old courts, when a couple of guys they were up to no good, started making trouble in the neghborhood. Sprig got in one little fight and Hop Pop got scared he said “your moving with your auntie and uncle to bell air”. He begged and pleaded day after day but Hop Pop packed his suit case and sent him on his way. He gave him a kiss and then he gave him a ticket Sprig put his walkman on and thought he might as well kick it. First class yo this ain’t bad, drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass. Is this what the people of bel air live like, yo, this might be alirght! He whistled for a cab and when it came near the liscene plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror, if anything he could say that this cab was rare but he thought man forget it yo holmes to bell air. He pulled up to the cab about 7 or 8 and yelled to the cabbie yo holmes smell ya later. He looked at his kingdom and he was finally there to sit on his throne as the fresh prince of bell air.

So then Will walked into the mansion and wait.. wrong show.. so the young couple are playing bugball when they loose their ball, and it goes off into the creepy part of the woods. Ivy also looses her hat and is self concious about her hair. Looks fine to sprig but she’d rather not. Aww she’s insecure. But the two head off with Sprig getting more and more nervous, as Ivy details a legend about the area of the seamstress, a mysterious recluse who steals your skin! Naturally Sprig is nettled while Ivy says it’s fine and does what anyone would do upon finding out the ball went into a creepy abandoned shack in a world where it’s clear murderers are pretty common: kick down the door! It’s the perfect crime.

Naturally Sprig gets more unernved, finding a set of needles and thread, which gets a great gag as Ivy points out that’s nto that uncommon.. but the giant pile of skin they find sure is!

Oh.. it gets worse me. Sprig finds the ball. and the Seamstress who has a horrifying patchwork of skins on her and wants to add theirs.. the kids are naturally spooked and prepare to flee but she wants their skin and grabs ivy! Thankfully she breaks free and Sprig busts some off.. OH GOD.. and it turns out she’s a glass frog! .. turns out theres a kind of frog that has translucent skin.

But yeah obvoiusly the show takes it a step further, and her skin is entirely see through. Poor girl. Ivy sympathizes shows off her hair.. then puts her hat over the Seamstress’ eyes and tells sprig now, and sprig starts a fire, and the two start to escape when he grabs Ivy’s leg!

Thankfully Ivy breaks free and the two leave her to die. Sprig compliments ivy’s hair, ivy gets him a smooch it’s all adorable and they defintely murdered someone who defintely murdered a lot of people. Horay!

Naturally the rest of the family is freaked out by this with Anne wanting to know if ivy being bitten means sh’es infected and Hop Pop wanting to know if one of her skins was his friend fred he hasn’t seen in a while. Sprig then spooks them by having ivy show up, complete with a burlap frog skin.. maybe. She could’ve been lying. We dunno. Ivy heads home to risk her life for a good gag, depsite the fact her boyfriend’s house is right there and her mom and grandmom clearly had to sign off on this shenanigan given the night. But this life risking prank naturally risks some life as Polly has ran off to look at the moon to get her own story. The rest of hte family runs after her only tfind it did.. ntohing. She’s apparently fine just fine and they assure her the fear they felt thinking she might become some kind of monster was scarier than any story and the rest of them head home with polly following.. after transofrming. Turns out the moon DOES make you into monsters but she’s fine with it. She’s got her legs now! Everyone screams understandably, Anne finally realizes this isn’t quite a holiday the end.

Final Thoughts on Skin Game and the special as a whole: Easily my faviorite, partly for shipping reasons as I do like Ivy and Sprig together, and partly because it really let Ivy have a roll OTHER than sprig’s love intrest. Sure she still smooched his cheek and their clearly still together, but she got to be proactive, badass and hilariously impulsive and trollish. It was a nice change of pace and the story itslef was the best of the bunch to me becuase of that, though Dead End was really close. Overall this was a nice treat, a good anthology with lots of fright and humor and a nice wraparound story arc with polly, as well as some nice call backs to previous episodes. An utterly excellent halloween special i’ll probably be revisiting every year and another slam dunk from disney this year. The airing snaufu really dosen’t hurt it any and in the future this one will likely be after Return to Wartwood on D+ anyway so no harm done. Great all around. If you liked this review follow me for more amphibia whenever it comes back, ducktales reviews every monday, and loud house reviews every saturday or sunday depending. And until next time stay safe, stay spooky and happy halloween!

#amphibia #the shut in #anne boonchuy #hopidiah plantar #sprig plantar #polly plantar #ivy sundew #george takei #mr littlepot #one eyed willy #halloween #halloween reviews #reviews

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jq37 · 5 years ago

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The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 19

The Ties That Bind

The penultimate Fantasy High: Sophomore Year episode is upon us and not a moment too soon. Seems a little counter-intuitive to seek comfort from these objectively wild current events we’re experiencing from a fictional Nightmare Forest but we know what we’re about so let’s jump back in and start with the death of a beloved main character.

Yay.

Rewinding back to two episodes ago, last we saw Kristen, she got stabbed through by a skeletal unicorn and died. We pick back up there and, as she’s dying, she feels a sense of pain, betrayal, and anger--very similar emotions to what Brennan told her the goddess was feeling with her Nat 20 Religion Check. Kristen gets a vision of the goddess being destroyed in cracks of lightning by her own followers--the same vision Fig saw in the dream scrying pool when she scry-ed on Kristen last week--and then she wakes up on the chapel floor.

She’s not...dead exactly. But she’s not super alive either. She’s bleeding, but more oozing blood than the normal mechanical way of bleeding out because her heart isn’t beating. There’s a hole in her chest and, within it, her heart is crushed. Her skin is pale because the blood isn’t pumping through it properly anymore. Her breathing isn’t regular. And a piece of her finger tip (the piece taken by her friends for a possible Revivify) is missing.

She sees evidence of her friends having been in the room--footprints and the smashed wall--and to place this in the timeline, she can’t remember Fabian right now. When she checks her crystal, she sees it’s been 90 minutes since they walked into the forest. She does Cure Wounds on herself to stop the blood from dripping. Then she heads out towards the forest, passing the Oracular Pool Fig used in the last episode as she goes. She stops as she sees it and something in her heart glows with golden light. When she looks into the pool, she sees the sun reflected in the pool (and also Fig’s boot prints leading up to it). That’s weird because it is super not a Sol/Helio aligned Chapel/Area they’re in. She also sees the moon reflected and she feels like she’s being called in. It doesn’t necessarily feel safe but it feels like she might get some answers and also she already died today so how much worse can it get? She dives in and come up and when she does, she’s suddenly in the outer planes. Specifically, she’s in Elysium which is like the Neutral Good heaven. She hears a voice that she mistakes for her dad’s because of the major dad energy she’s getting from it: You can come home.

As she walks, she finds herself--as Kristen weirdly often does for some reason--in the presence of gods. Specifically, Sol (god of the Sun) and Galakaya (goddess of the Moon and his sister as we find out). Helio is also there, like the screw-up son of a CEO, hanging out in his office. Both of them are good gods but not neutral good so Kristen gets the sense that they brought her here to have a neutral place to talk to her.

Kristen is hilariously nonplussed by being personally Uber-d to heaven by arguably the biggest gods in the pantheon and when she is asked to take a walk with Helio so she can get some important information, she’s like, “Nooooo, can literally anyone else do it?” Galakaya agrees to do it instead.

They take a lap and she asks about Tracker. Galakaya says that Tracker isn’t dead but she’s in major danger. Then, she changes the subject. Has Kristen ever wondered where her spells have been coming from when she’s been between gods? Because, as Galakaya says, doubt is nothing. She reveals that even though Kristen rejected him, Helio has been providing Kristen spells this entire time. He sent the philosophers and the grad students to be her spirit guardians. Kristen rejected him but not the light. Galakaya likens it to a child running away from home to the front yard. Kristen isn’t too far gone. She can still come back to the fold. And, if she doesn’t want to be Helio’s champion, she can be hers instead and become a Moon Cleric, which would still be keeping it in the family. But that’s the problem Kristen has with it. Helio to Galakaya? It seems like more of the same--especially the way she’s been acting, like she would fit right in at a brunch table with Arianwyn and Anguin. Except, when Tracker comes up, Kristen notices she gets a little snarly, almost like a tic she’s trying to keep under control.

Kristen asks for her pitch, and it’s basically the same deal she was getting with Helio but with different window dressing. The Moon, sisterhood, and unquestioning obedience. Galakaya can’t see into Sylvere to check on Tracker like Kristen asks but if she had a Champion, say Kristen, she could send her all kitted up with new powers. She says she wants the Nightmare King dead more than anyone seeing as the Nightmare King killed her baby sister (the Mystery Goddess). She calls her baby sister sweet and sometimes confused, seeing as she thought destroying her name would make her more powerful. But Kristen knows that’s not what happened. It was her followers who destroyed her name as she desperately warned them not to. Some chicanery is going on.

She says she will take the job as Galakaya’s champion and when she makes like she’s going to pray to her to seal the deal, she instead reaches out to the mystery goddess again. The golden light in her chest disappears and is replaced with cool shadow. She feels shock from the goddess, that Kristen would still choose to reach out to her after she died at her hand. The goddess says, emotionally, “I’m sorry, I’m just so scar--” But, before she can finish the word, Galakaya grabs Kristen by the shoulder and snaps her out of it, face snarling and wolfed out. After a second, she composes herself and seems almost embarrassed that Kristen saw that, which makes Kristen realize what’s going on with her. Tracker is a cleric of Galakaya, but knowing Tracker, she wouldn’t worship someone so reeking of high elven prim and proper-ness. And she also knows what the number one rule of godhood is: As above, so below. Galakaya has basically been claimed as a high elven goddess. Which means that the vast majority of her followers aren’t like Tracker. They’re snooty high elves. Which means so is she and her wolf part is still there, but it’s buried and distasteful to her now.

Which, coincidentally, is how Kristen feels about this entire godly family. She “respectfully declines” both of their offers. And by “respectfully declines” I mean she socks Helio in the face and makes a run for it. Sol, full of rage, says, “I told you that kid was trash! Now get her!” The philosophers on Sol’s payroll look at each other and instead mob him (why is the literal sun god so easy to 1v1?) and help Kristen escape. As she does, Helio calls out after Kristen something she kind of already sensed upon arriving in Elysium. Most people are a soul in a body. But Kristen, at the moment, is a soul *as* a body. If she dies again, with no god to intercede for her, she’s dead-dead. No afterlife. But that’s not enough to make her stay. She keeps running and makes it to the pool. For the first time, she feels herself fully cut off from her spells.

Back in the cave in Sylvere, Kristen chats with the Philosophers. They tell her they were working for Sol so they couldn’t tell her what the deal was but they were always rooting for her. One of the philosophers quotes her own words back to her: Doubt can’t be a belief but it can be a practice. And as she says this, she turns Kristen’s Shepherd's Crook cool and metallic and turns it into a question mark. She can’t hold doubt in her heart but she can hold it in her hand (stats for the Staff of Doubt below; also what a sick line from Brennan).

She knows that to get to the center of the forest where she needs to be, she has to follow her fear, so she goes in the direction she doesn’t expect to find Tracker.

Shifting gears, we find Gorgug and Fabian at the mouth of the cave (and no longer high on duskmoss) in their floating rock island surrounded by the others. They see that there are other openings and decide to check them to see if they can find any of their friends. They spend a good two hours, tied together and climbing this rock face which is some extremely solid male bonding. When they reach the cave they were aiming for, they find Baxter, riddled with arrows they know to be Sandra-Lynn’s. He’s dying but not dead. I am outraged at Brennan until I learn a fact that I don’t think has come up until now: Artificers get spell slots. Which means that Gorgug has Cure Wounds. He only cures him for 3 points but that’s enough to stabilize him at least so we can all stop sharpening the pitchforks. However, Baxter is clearly dejected and confused. He has no idea why Sandra-Lynn would suddenly turn on him. So maybe the pitchforks are still called for.

They want to leave Baxter in the cave so he can rest up but, on a 1 Animal Handling, Baxter absolutely demands to follow them. It’s faster than climbing at least. They do so.

And we switch again, this time to the Abernants.

Adaine is still trapped in a prison orb and barred from doing most of her spells. She can, however, do the Message cantrip and Aelwyn is still in the room along with Anguin. She Messages Aelwyn and asks, What’s going on? Why is she working with their parents still? Aelwyn replies that she doesn’t like her parents but she does love them. Doesn’t Adaine? “They don’t love me,” Adaine shoots back. Aelwyn parrots back ideology that she’s clearly learned from her parents: Love has to be earned. What value does something that hasn’t been earned have? Adaine, fresh off of therapy and with full knowledge of Aelwyn’s broken psyche, fully calls her out. She is so closed off to love, to everything that abjuration is her school of magic. Aelwyn tries to wave her off but Adaine, very seriously, says, “I don’t love our parents but despite the fact that you have not earned it, I do love you.” Aelwyn fully dissociates (and I’m not far behind).

Adaine notices that Anguin is readying some kind of Sending spell and that he’s wearing a sword that he usually doesn’t have. He tells Aelwyn to ransack her sister’s brain for the info they need from her while he prepares her punishment. Aelwyn, clearly in a slight panic, tries to (not at all) casually persuade Anguin to just leave Adaine in the orb, unharmed, when they are done with her. She tries to do it in a, “This isn’t worth our time,” kind of way but betrays herself when she blurts out, “She’s a baby!” Anguin raises a hand at her and she flinches, apologetically casting Detect Thoughts on Adaine who has already (via Message) said she’d support her no matter what she did.

Enter, Adaine’s Mindscape: A series of interconnected rooms--and her Aelwyn’s rooms--repeated over and over. Adaine has her surface thoughts be all of her memories of Aelwyn *almost* being nice to her and then pulling back at the last second for fear of her parents. Aelwyn doesn’t press deeper than these thoughts and says that if Adaine’s goal was to humiliate her then she’s done so. But that’s not what Adaine wants. She wants to rebuild their relationship. They’re gonna be sisters for the rest of their quasi-immortal lives. These memories suck but they can make new ones.

And then, through a window, Aelwyn sees another memory. The memory of herself in the hot-tub post Calethriel Tower rescue mission. She doesn’t remember this because of the events in the memory itself. Adaine went into her mind and, at her written instructions, reboot her memory and personality. They’re able to Inception themselves into Adaine’s memory of Aelwyn’s mind and they walk through it. Aelwyn is confronted with the knowledge that this is how she is and that Adaine knows this. Siobhan, from her sniper perch, gets the kill order from Brennan to take the shot directly into my chest.

“Would you be my big sister? I would really, really love to have you as a big sister.”

So now it’s both Kristen and me who have crushed hearts this episode.

Aelwyn fully loses concentration on the spell and snaps out of it. When Anguin asks for the information, she, on full glassy-eyed autopilot, says she didn’t find it. Anguin decides to go for the nuclear option, readying a bolt of magic to throw at Adaine. “Prepare to be better, dear, sweet daughter.”

The magic races at her, ready to do something Stepford-ian to her mind I’m sure, but, suddenly, Aelwyn steps forward, still out of it but following her true, deeply buried but natural protective instincts. Protective magic covers Adaine and the spell is Counterspelled.

Adaine quickly dispels her orb but then it’s Anguin’s turn and he goes for Aelwyn. Adaine attempts to return the favor she has just been given and Counterspells but Anguin Counterspells her Counterspell and Lightning Bolts Aelwyn. The second before she’s hit, Aelwyn looks at Adaine and says, “I’m sorry”. She goes down.

Adaine’s turn.

And, if you recall, Adaine just received two boons: A bonus to her Strength score and a little spell called Adaine’s Furious Fists.

And, my dude, if Adaine has ever been furious in her life, it’s now.

5th Level. And it’s a strength saving throw but, just to be certain of her success, Adaine gives her undoubtedly weak father her 4 Portent roll. That’s 10d10 damage.

77 points of damage.

She charges forward at Anguin.

“Guess what bitch? I’m strong now.”

And she full Dragon Ball Z energy punches her dad, dealing more than double his max HP. You know what that means? Ding Dong the bitch is FULLY DEAD.

Deed done, she rushes to Aelwyn’s side and gives her her 11 portent roll for her first death save (super clutch use of a mediocre portent). Then, on an 18 Medicine check, stabilizes her without the need for any more checks. Aelwyn is immediately weepy about how she doesn’t deserve the kindness she’s being shown. Adaine, again, gently says that love isn’t about deserving or not deserving, though she definitely doesn’t deserve the crappy situation she’s in right now. And, maybe when this is over, she can exchange her bed for a bunk bed and Aelwyn can move in? If Aelwyn wasn’t crying before, she super is now, and spilling her guts. She’s the one who sank she ship the previous elven oracle was on, she worked for Kalvaxus and Kalina--things Adaine is willing to attribute to being under the thumb of evil, abusive people but that Aelwyn seems desperate to atone for. She gives Adaine an important piece of information for their mission: In the past, heroes going after the Nightmare King have failed because they failed to undo all five curses. They need to make sure they do that.

Adaine gives Aelwyn the tincture she has on her, freeing her from Kalina’s influence, and then Aelwyn gives her one more piece of information before she slips into unconsciousness. Before Aelwyn had the previous Oracle killed, she was sure that Adaine was going to be the next Oracle and she told Kalvaxus that. Why was she sure? Because the elf that becomes the next Oracle is always the most skilled Diviner alive at the time.

“I love you too,” Adaine replies.

Then she nicks the dope sword (and 30 gp) off her dad’s corpse, leaves Aelwyn there to rest, and goes to find her friends.

And, speaking of, let’s pop over to see how Riz and Fig are doing.

In a word, bad.

They’re still tied up and cornered by the skeletal unicorn who says they’re captured and soon their friends will be too. Nightmare Fig shows up with Baby (who is shortly tied up as well) and reveals herself to actually be this many-armed, snake-woman demon. A whole army of demons show up, ready to start wrecking house as soon as they’re ordered to.

Fig wants to try and use her lighter to set her bonds on fire and Riz wants to use his spy-watch to laser her bonds off. They both fail but Riz notices they’re not being stopped from trying. It’s like the demons want them to escape so they have an excuse to chase and kill them. He also notices a jiggling from his briefcase.

At the same time, Fig gets a Sending from Bill saying he just hawked all of Gorthalx’s stuff, including the six suits of magic armor. But, wait a minute. There were seven suits. On a Nat 1, she thinks Bill is screwing her over.

But then.

All of a sudden.

Riz’s briefcase of holding springs open and out pops a figure in gleaming gold Pride Armor. The armored figure, holding a brilliantly gold halberd, cleaves through some demons and the raises his visor showing that it’s none other than the chosen one himself--GILEAR! You see, the Deadly Sin armor feeds on its respective sin in the user and consumes them, but, as Gilear puts it, he has no pride.

He absolutely wrecks house, killing demon after demon. Riz records it on his tie-camera for posterity. Gorgug and Fabian on Baxter see the commotion and fly down, seeing the tail end of the fight. Gilear kills the last of the demons then gets spit out of the armor like it’s an Iron Man suit, fully dead. Again. He may have had no pride when he put the armor on but watching himself kick ass have him just enough to be fatal.

Fig gets free from her bindings and, on a 27 with Bardic from Fabian, beats the 25 DC she needs to make an illusory diamond (which turns into a real one) of high enough quality to cast Revivify. She does so, after a heartfelt statement about being proud to be like him and a sick lick on her bass.

Gilear comes back up and we learn that he’d been hiding in RIz’s briefcase with the armor since they sent him away because it was the only way he could think of to be useful to them and protect Fig. Fabian and Riz (along with the audience) also unfortunately learn that Gilear is hung like a horse when they fail their saves to look away quickly enough.

Adaine rushes in with her new sword and the information that she killed her dad which everyone congratulates her for. She then ritual casts Identify on the sword. Aelwyn told her earlier that it’s the sword that belongs to whoever the current Oracle is and she also learns it’s called the Sword of Sight, it can be used as an arcane focus, and was made by Fabian’s Grandad (full stats below).

Riz gets the footage from his tie onto his crystal and posts it on Fig’s account which has got to be the wildest social media account on Magic Facebook.

The Bad Kids are mainly reunited, but let’s get back to the final missing member.

Kristen, alone in the woods, starts using her blood to draw a picture of the Mystery goddess. She hears a creepy voice say, “Be careful what you give a face,” and some other ominous stuff. But Kristen ignores it as she lies prostrate in front of her drawing because she understands something extremely important.

As above, so below.

Galakaya is worshiped primarily by stuck up high elves, so she has become that.

If Kristen is now the only follower of the Mystery goddess and she says that she’s real and she’s good then as above, so below. The math checks out.

The bloody image changes to a beautiful woman’s face. The Mystery goddess. She says she only ever wanted to comfort her followers and tell them that the night itself was nothing to fear. Kristen sees flashes of the chained Court of Elders--the representatives of the five races who worshiped the Mystery Goddess and were convinced to destroy her name (ignoring her warnings not to). Among them are the unicorn and the decaying elf Adaine saw in her Scry.

Fear of the NK breaks her out of the vision and she finds herself surrounded by Twilight (that she’s generating) with Tracker in front of her, fully wolfed out with a bloody muzzle. Tracker is going feral, all, “You’re so selfish, everything is always about you.” Something is going wrong with her. Now, good news/bad news:

Good News: Kristen is fully committed to this Mystery Goddess so she gets her spells back and she is now a Twilight Domain Cleric.

Bad News: She goes Invisible (eliciting a, “Why are you running? I knew you would leave me. Why won’t you accept me like I am?” from Tracker) and tries to cast Greater Restoration but all she needs is a 4 and she rolls a 3. Tragic.

She finds that she is insubstantial still and is whisked away from a snarling and lamenting Tracker. As she is traveling, she sees the face of the Nightmare King who asks why she would follow a dead goddess whose path is just going to make her life harder. Kristen feels a pang of doubt and fear that she has just done exactly what her religious upbringing warned her against and put herself and her friends in grave danger for no reason by straying from the path, but then she has another classic Kristen-ism: Everyone is basic and wrong. She’d rather follow a goddess who is like, “Hey y’all, I also don’t have it all figured out but I will for sure do all I can to help you navigate it,” than a god who demands unquestioning faith and loyalty. And with that, she finds herself floating above her friends.

She feels the pull of her missing finger bone in Adaine’s pocket and she feels like it might be impossible for her to fully, properly, come back but on the other hand, she’s died like three times at this point. What does impossible even mean? She gets the sense that she can cast Raise Dead on herself and she does so.

Welcome back to the Bad Kids, St. Kristen Applebees of [REDACTED], halo aglow, newly reattached finger shedding a bit of light.

(“That’s hot for being gay,” Ally says about Kristen’s new glow.)

Everyone hugs everyone and catches up everyone on everything. Kristen heals up Baxter for 20 HP and gets a +2 bump on her Intelligence mod for her ordeals in the forest. They all make a plan to get everyone in one place so Kristen can put some of her new AoE healing spells to use. Fig wants to go on Baxter to get Ayda. Adaine, bringing us full circle, invites Fabian on a rescue mission to get her sister.

And we take a break.

Deep breath y’all.

Detention

Brennan for Cursing us With Knowledge About Gilear’s Penis

@allsevenmaidens put this very reasonable request in and I have to concur because what’s the alternative? Giving Anguin this spot AGAIN? Like, I don’t even want to give him the satisfaction of being the best of the worst. Adaine gave him the death penalty which is what he deserves and all he’s gonna get.

So, Brennan gets this spot for forcing me to hear the words “Gilear” and “hung like a horse” in the same sentence.

Honor Roll

Gilear for Kicking SERIOUS Ass

Listen, SO many Honor Roll-worthy moments happened this episode. Kristen’s Amazing As Above, So Below moment. Aelwyn finally stepping up to protect Adaine. Adaine absolutely obliterating Anguin in a single punch.

But, at the end of the day, I have to give it to Gilear “Just a Guy” Faeth for cramming himself and a suit of cursed armor into a mostly airless briefcase out of desperate need to do whatever he could to help protect his daughter and her friends who are basically demigods. He truly is the Anti-Anguin and I’m so glad Riz got that on tape for posterity. Way to go man.

Random Thoughts

I already wrote so many words and we have a five hour finale tomorrow so I’m going to try and keep this section brief.

We’re staring down the barrel of the last episode (coming Friday at 8PM EST) and I want to say this now rather than later: thanks for reading these and leaving nice comments in the tags and stuff like that. I’m not always the most confident person and the support really means a lot.

We’re also staring down the barrel of a global crisis right now so, you know, be nice to yourself and escape through fiction when you need to, reach out to people, and eat a vegetable if you can. Read a 5000 word recap of an episode you presumably already watched. Whatever you need to do.

The Staff of Doubt has ten charges and can cast the following spells at the cost of the amount of charges listed: Detect Magic (1), Lesser Restoration (2), Dispel Magic (3), Banishment (4), Greater Restoration (5).

The Sword of Sight gives +1 to attack and damage rolls. It gives a base 12 AC which bumps Adaine’s to 15. It lets her cast Divination cantrips as bonus actions. She gets to take the Dodge action when she casts a Divination spell. And she gets no disadvantage on attacks on Invisible creatures (seems very useful against Kalina possibly).

EDIT: I forgot to say! Gorgug saying very sincerely to Kristen, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” “there” being, “at her most recent death” broke me.

Where in the World is Ragh Backrock? We have at least an approximate idea of where the rest of the hirelings are but nothing on Ragh. I’m concerned. His vision was asking Gorgug if he was his dad. Maybe it has something to do with that?

Very curious about what the mechanics of the final confrontation will be. What Aelwyn said seems like it could be setting up for some shenanigans. Plus, there are still all the hirelings to worry about.

Another question, I feel like we still have almost no idea what’s going on with the NK. Half of me is almost expecting some kind of Te Fiti/Te Ka situation. On another day I might try to speculate and play detective but that’s not where I’m at today so I’m just gonna leave it at that.

I feel like Kristen is always negging deities to their faces. Like, girl. Her Axe/Dove metaphor was *chef’s kiss* though. Anyway, when (hopefully) Tracker is back to normal, I hope Kristen has a take that’s different than, “I met your goddess and she sucked.”

Kristen makes me feel bad for Helio. He’s just a surfer dude who likes corn, OK. He never did anything to her except give her magic!

Didn’t have a good place to mention this earlier but Fig alerted Bill to their situation and location so if there’s a Bill Ex-Machina next ep, it’s not out of nowhere.

(Also, just a small point of order, Gorgug did say he had a bone from Kristen last ep but so did Adaine. Doesn’t really matter but just wanted to explain the mismatch with my last recap).

Making everyone roll a save to not see Gilear’s dick is so funny. As was Zac invoking danger sense to roll with advantage.

“I cast Spare the Dying on Gilear’s Penis.”

“I am no man,” from LOTR but instead it’s Gilear saying, “I have no pride.”

“Drink deeply Gilear.”

Why is Kalina working for the NK? She’s supposed to be the Mystery Goddess’s familiar, right? Just another thing that doesn’t add up. Where’s that puzzle piece we’re missing?

The thought of Baxter being so confused and dejected and fatally injured, not understanding what he did so wrong to have his mistress riddle him with arrows makes me wanna throw down with Brennan IRL. Also, I’m Concerned about Sandra-Lynn.

I need to say this on the record. Ally Beadsley does some bonkers things in D&D that I could not even begin to understand but that As Above So Below Gambit was Galaxy Brained.

You knew this was coming. Abernant Time Bay-Bee (the abridged version because I need to get this out before Friday)!

First off, I am very happy to say that basically exactly what I predicted/hoped for in my last recap for this scene is what happened, with Anguin making Aelwyn cast Detect Thoughts on Adaine. And basically EVERYTHING I had on my Abernant Sisters Reconciliation checklist was checked. The Detect Thoughts. The pointing out that they’re gonna live for a long time and do they want to do it at each other's throats? Aelwyn finally stepping up to the plate and leaning into her Abjurative Instincts in a positive way and shielding Adaine from their father. And then the stuff that I wanted so bad but didn’t know it. The bunk beds moment? The “I love you too” moment. “She’s a baby!” I mean, “Will you be my big sister?” F off Siobhan. That was beautiful.

A little concerned about Adaine having left Aelwyn unconscious so close to where their mom is but I am glad she remembered to cure her of Kalina.

When Brennan said, “In Aelwyn’s last moment,” for a second I thought he meant she was about to be perma-dead and my heart legit stopped.

I was up until about 2 AM last night, popping bottles with @camwritery (my Abernant Sisters confidant) about Brennan and Siobhan giving us everything we wanted and I’m going to get yelled at by her if I don’t mention something I said while we were talking. Last week, during the fireside chat, all of the players talked about what future lives/jobs they’d want for their characters. I posited the same question for Aelwyn and offered my answer--CPS Case Worker. Because, like, think about it. She is an extremely protective person. She wants to atone for what she did and failed to do for Adaine. When she gets all the therapy she needs, she’s going to be equipped with deep, personal knowledge of what abuse looks like/what it can do to a child and an extremely long lifespan. Can’t you see an adult Aelwyn, in the living room of a well appointed house, speaking cordially to some high class A-hole with his terrified kid sitting next to him, trying not to say anything or do anything that will get them punished and Aelwyn does a surface level Detect Thoughts at the same time so she can mentally kneel before the kid and tell them, “I’m on your side. You can be honest with me. I’m here to protect you. I promise. Don’t be scared.” This is all I want for her.

This episode Fig rolled one Nat 1 and Gorgug rolled two but one was cancelled with advantage. No Nat 20s were rolled.

#fantasy high #fantasy high spoilers #dimension 20 #dimension 20 spoilers #fantasy high live #(kind of a rush job bc the next ep is so soon so def hit up my asks if I missed s/t you wanted to hear about)

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puthyflapps · 5 years ago

Note

What did you think of the first ep of the l word?

Phat spoilers coming so if you haven’t watched episode 1 of the L word: generation Q then proceed with caution

Okay so I guess I’ll just go through each character and give my feelings about them. I’ll start with my favorite new comers

Okay so I am so fascinated by Angelica and her story. I know she’s kind of an original character but I’ll still consider her a new comer because now we’re seeing her as a teenager coming into her own and not as a toddler. It’s so wild watching the original show and seeing how hard Bette and Tina had to work to have this child and for Bette to be recognized as her other parent. And now we get to see this moody teenager who yells at her Mama B and gets up to hooligan shit like if only Bette & Tina from 2004 could see this

My second favorite new comer, Sophie, didn’t have very many scenes but from just the short time she was on my screen, I fell in love with her. She’s very funny and she’s got these little quips that have me laughing like a maniac. When her girlfriend finally proposes to her and she lowkey ruins this romantic moment that she’s been waiting on forever I was dying. I can still hear her voice saying, “don’t play with me.” 😂😂

Sophie’s girlfriend, Dani, is my third favorite. She works as a communications director at her fathers business which I guess is some kind of big pharma type company. This episode really focused on her the most when it comes to all the new characters. She’s really having this internal struggle over what she does for a living and I can see that she wants to make her father proud but not if it means hurting other people. Her and Bette have a lot in common – love of pantsuits being one thing — and I’m excited to see how they interact with eachother in future episodes.

Next is Finley. I relate to her chaotic ass the most out of all of the new generation characters (minus the fact she doesn’t shave her armpits. That ain’t it for me sis). I put her here on this faux list thing simply because while I relate to her style, her personality, and genuine recklessness, we didn’t see enough of her for me to really talk about her. I am most excited to see how her storyline develops and much like how Dani is a lot like Bette, Finley is a lot like Shane. When she says she lives in a one bedroom in Korea town with five roommates and Shane says she’s been there before I was like hell yeah you have baby, I remember season one Shane.

Lastly, Micah. He’s my least favorite simply because I don’t think the actor who plays him is very good. He had very cute scenes with the new property manager, Jose, but while the dialogue/situation was very funny, I just don’t think he performed very well. He says the lines but he doesn’t really know how to emote and that may be due to this being like his first acting gig. Hoping his acting will get better as the season progresses.

Okay, now time to talk about the reason we’re all tuning in. The OGs baybee

Bette is running for mayor of Los Angeles and Tina is nowhere to be found. She has two phone calls with her but that’s all y’all tibette fans are getting. Sorry. Y’all know how I have called out Bette for being a whore in the past well, she’s still on her bullshit. Sleeping with married women and then getting called out at a press conference which her daughter finds out about later when she sees her whore mother trending on twitter💀. I’ve missed my messy queen. Throughout the episode it’s hinted at that Bette is running for office for a certain reason and she has this hatred for big pharma because of their contribution to the opioid crisis. This is my cracked out theory: I think Bette is running for office because a loved one fell victim to the opioid crisis and I think it was Kit. She has a history of addiction and we don’t see her in the reboot so those are my thots.

Alice. ALICE!!! God, I fucking love leisha hailey. It’s like no time has passed. She still has this brilliant comedic timing and it’s just so heightened this time around. The first time we see her she’s yelling at her girlfriends kids in a quest to find “the fucking spatula.” I love seeing her clumsily come into her own as a parental figure. I’m definitely looking forward to seeing her interact with the kids even more. She has a talk show just like in the original series and a few of the new characters actually work for her. What a coincidence, I know. Hopefully she won’t out any professional athletes like she did in the original 😂💀.

Now for this bitch. Shane is on our screens for two seconds before she’s fucking some woman and it’s like damn, nothings really changed hoe😌. She does seem to be going through some kind of depression. She’s returned to LA after selling her salon in Paris and NY. Daddy warbucks Shane is hot ngl. Although, she’s back in LA but she doesn’t know what she wants to do and I think she should get back into modeling because I’ve missed seeing her in her tighty whities. Now, here’s where things get interesting and I don’t know about y’all but I’m full on prepared to storm showtime headquarters. The three OGs have lunch and Bette and Alice decide to send a bed to Shane’s new house because she doesn’t have any furniture and they ask her if she’s going to talk to “her” and we don’t know who they’re talking about and my headass thot they meant Jenny’s dead ass like go visit her grave type shit. Anyways, Finley is sent over to put the bed together and while they’re talking to one another Shane’s phones goes off. Finley asks who it is and Shane says, “MY WIFE.” Excuse me? I did not wait my whole life for this show to come back for Shane to be married to someone who is not Carmen de la pica morales. What’s so special about this other bitch? Why can we marry her but not the funny, talented, beautiful, gorgeous, sweet, caring, wonderful Carmen? Hmmmmm???? Showtime explain.

#ask #send me asks and headcanons #the l word #the l word generation q #spoilers 🤪

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writeontimey · 4 years ago

Text

WoT - An ocean freeze pots a mind at ease. // Ep 1

Today we have, Beach Bashing, Plant Problems and Today's Poem.

BEACH BASHING

The episode begins by showing a beach. Out of nowhere, Philip, Chris and Joseph appear running along the boardwalk, each one is carrying their own ice cream cart.

PHILIP Ok, Joseph and Chris! Let's sell ice cream!

JOSEPH (sarcastically) Really, Philip? Well, I guess selling computers with ice cream carts would be pretty weird huh?

Philip and Chris look at Joseph, both annoyed.

PHILIP Hey, ignorant, I'm explaining it to the reader.

JOSEPH Oh, already recording? Oops, well, I don't think that was very "ice" of me right now.

Joseph runs to a drum set, plays "ba dum tss" and quickly returns.

JOSEPH Heh, heh!

CHRIS So, will you be making ice puns the whole episode?

JOSEPH Yep, why? Will you give me the "cold shoulder" if I don't stop?

Joseph runs to a drum set, plays "ba dum tss" and quickly returns.

JOSEPH HA!

Chris hands Joseph a giant ice sculpture of a shoulder.

JOSEPH (struggling to hold the ice) AAAAHHH!

He can't hold it and is crushed by the ice.

CHRIS Yep.

JOSEPH (crushed and bruised) Not "cool", dude.

PHILIP Continuing, whoever comes back here with more money wins! See you here at the same place at 5PM!

JOSEPH (already recovered) AND CHRIS Beauty!

PHILIP LET'S GO!

Philip, Chris and Joseph all run to different directions from the beach. The scene focuses on Philip, who is pushing his cart, he walks until he arrives at a man under a parasol. Philip stands in front of the man.

PHILIP Want an ice cream?

PARASOL MAN Why would I want ice cream?

PHILIP To eat it, DUH!

PARASOL MAN Yeah, makes sense, but no, I don't want any.

PHILIP What if there is a reward for buying one?

PARASOL MAN Hmmm, okay, then I'll buy it, is there a reward?

PHILIP No, crap, you're good at business!

PARASOL MAN Yes, I'm a businessman.

PHILIP You know what, I like you, yes I have a horrible taste. What if I make a discount, will you buy one?

PARASOL MAN Maybe.

PHILIP It's 1 dollar, but if you give me 99 cents and I'll accept it!

PARASOL MAN Of course not! Do you think I'm stupid?

PHILIP If I answer it, you won't want to buy it anymore.

PARASOL MAN Make a real discount already!

PHILIP Real? Isn't that brazilian currency? Hey, I only accept dollars here!

PARASOL MAN If you're not gonna make a discount you can leave.

PHILIP Okay, okay. 50 cents for the ice cream and 50 cents for the pot and you'll get the spoon for free!

PARASOL MAN Deal!

The man gives Philip two 50-cent coins, and Philip gives him a strawberry ice cream, Philip then runs off in search of his next client. After that the scene changes for Joseph, talking to a surfer.

JOSEPH Trust me, these ice creams are magical, they make you smarter if you eat them.

SURFER Really? How much is one?

JOSEPH 10 dollars.

SURFER 10 DOLLARS? What a rip-off.

JOSEPH It's inflation.

The surfer gives 10 dollars to Joseph, and the dollars start to float.

JOSEPH See, inflation!

SURFER Yeah, right.

Joseph grabs the floating money and gives the surfer a mint ice cream. The surfer eats some of the ice cream while he looks at the horizon, when looking, he sees Philip, selling ice cream to someone else. Philip's cart has a sign saying "Ice cream, 1 dollar."

SURFER Hey! That guy over there is selling the same ice cream for 1 dollar! I COULD BUY 10 POTS OF ICE CREAM WITH IT!

JOSEPH See? You're already getting smarter!

SURFER Grr, give me my money back!

JOSEPH No refunds!

SURFER Yes refunds!

The surfer takes Joseph's 10 dollars forcefully, and gives him 1 dollar.

SURFER THIS is the correct price.

The surfer leaves eating his ice cream.

JOSEPH (watching the surfer leave, teasing) No, "this" is a pronoun and a determiner!

Philip then arrives pushing his ice cream cart and stays close to Joseph.

PHILIP Well, well, well, trying to make money by lying to the people, how wrong!

JOSEPH It works in politics.

PHILIP Yeah, but only when the person CAN lie, like me!

JOSEPH I lie better.

Joseph grabs a bed and places it on the floor, he then jumps on it and lies down on the bed.

JOSEPH (lying in bed) "Sea"?

Joseph gets a mini drum set, puts it on the bed and plays a "ba dum tss", he then throws the mini drum kit away.

JOSEPH And also, I sell better than you.

PHILIP Is this part of the lie? 'Cuz I sell better.

JOSEPH SO IT'S A CHALLENGE?

PHILIP Challenge within challenge? Deal!

JOSEPH DEAL!

PHILIP DEAL!

JOSEPH DEAL!!

PHILIP DEAL!!

Out of nowhere, a random kid approaches Joseph's cart.

KID Can you give me a...

JOSEPH (looking at the kid) SHUT UP I'M BUSY! (he starts to look at Philip) DEAL! (he realizes what he did and looks at the kid again)

KID Oh, you're busy? Oops.

PHILIP (waving to the kid) Hey, I'm not busy!

KID (giving money to Philip) Cool! I want an ice cream!

JOSEPH N-n-no! I'm not busy! I'm open! I'M OPEN!

PHILIP (giving the kid a pot of ice cream) Hi Open, I'm Selling More Than You.

The kid then leaves with their ice cream. Philip gives Joseph a teasing smile, and Joseph looks at him angrily.

JOSEPH Fine! Now I'm mad.

PHILIP Really, I thought you were Open.

JOSEPH Let the games begin!

The two run each other in the opposite direction.

After that the scene changes to Chris, who arrives next to a man with an angry expression sitting in a chair under his parasol, a waitress approaches him and gives him a beer.

WAITRESS Here sir.

ANGRY MAN ABOUT TIME! WHY DID IT TAKE SO LONG?

WAITRESS What? I went there and came back in less than a minute.

ANGRY MAN ALL OF THAT FOR A MISERABLE BEER, YOU SHOULD HAVE COMMITMENT, AND YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE EVEN A SECOND TO GET A SIMPLE BEER, I BET YOU STOPPED TO TALK TO SOME STUPID FRIEND OF YOURS! AND YOU STILL HAVE THE AUDACITY TO ANSWER THE CUSTOMER LIKE THAT! WHAT KIND OF IRRESPONSIBLE IDIOT ARE YOU? GO AWAY!

The waitress gives the man one last angry look and leaves, angry and sad. After that, Chris, who was nearby and heard everything, looks at the camera.

CHRIS (to the camera only) This is gonna be a good challenge, but I'll give him a chance.

Chris then gently touches the man on his shoulder.

CHRIS Hello sir, would you like an ice cream to chill out?

ANGRY MAN NO! AND GO FIND A REAL JOB, WE ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY USELESS ICE CREAM SELLERS AROUND!

CHRIS (sarcastically) You're nice aren't ya?

ANGRY MAN ESPECIALLY WITH IDIOTS WHO TRY TO SELL ME THINGS I DON'T WANT! IF I WANTED IT I WOULD ASK FOR IT, MONEY ISN'T A PROBLEM! NOW GO AWAY OR I'LL MAKE YOU GO AWAY!

CHRIS Cool, how?

ANGRY MAN Ah, so you're another one that likes to answer customers rudely, aren't ya? LIKE THIS!

The man grabs Chris in one hand, her entire cart on one shoulder and throws both of them with all his strength into the water. The scene then shows Chris with her cart sinking.

CHRIS Okay, he lost the chance.

The scene changes to the man, laughing while standing up, looking at Chris and her cart in the water.

ANGRY MAN Hahaha, that's what you get when you mess up with me.

He then sits down in his chair again, drinks his beer and turns around to throw the empty bottle on the floor behind his back, as soon as he turns around Chris appears out of nowhere behind him, with her ice cream cart intact and dry.

ANGRY MAN AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!

The man gets scared and jumps so high that he hits his head on the ceiling of the parasol, after hitting his head he falls, sitting on his chair with a bump forming on his head, after that the empty beer bottle that was in his hand falls on his head and breaks, making the bump even bigger.

CHRIS There's a bump on your head.

ANGRY MAN (confused and hurt) dOEs It lOok LiKE A gOOsE?

CHRIS No, why it would look like a goose?

ANGRY MAN (confused and hurt) 'cUz tHEn it woULd bE a GooSE bUmP hAhaHAhaHaHAh

CHRIS (for the camera) He must be Aries.

Chris then pulls out a giant megaphone.

CHRIS (shouting into megaphone) HELLO, HELLO, HELLO!

The angry man gets scared again, hits his head on the parasol's ceiling again and falls on his chair… again. When he hit his head, his huge bump went back into his head and disappeared.

ANGRY MAN OOOOOWWWW!!! WAIT...? YOU...? BUT I...? HOW...? YOU WERE...?

CHRIS (jumping on the man's lap) Want an ice cream, buddy? Only 1 dolar.

ANGRY MAN (throwing Chris out and standing up to look intimidating) NO!!! YOU SCARED ME TWICE!!! LISTEN HERE BRAT, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

CHRIS I like to think that I'm JungCook's wife. In fact, you kinda look like him... well... only uglier.

ANGRY MAN DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO?

CHRIS Doesn't look like Jimin or Yoongi so… don't care

ANGRY MAN I AM DICK JOHNSON! POLITICIAN, RICH, AND VERY FAMOUS FOR RUINING THE LIVES OF IRRITANT PEOPLE LIKE YOU, I ALREADY DESTROYED HUGE BUSINESSES, AND I WILL DESTROY YOUR DUMB LITTLE ICE CREAM BUSINESS IN A BLINK OF EYES!

The scene shows Chris, with a pillow, lying on the beach sand, sleeping and snoring very loudly, she suddenly wakes up..

CHRIS What? Did you say something?

ANGRY MAN Do you have a problem?

CHRIS I don't have "a problem", but I have "a strawberry", "a chocolate" and I even-

ANGRY MAN GET OUT! GET OUT!

CHRIS Get Out? Ok.

Chris whistles and a big rottweiler enters the scene, on the dog's collar has the name "Out".

CHRIS Here!

The dog starts attacking the man, who screams, after attacking him, the dog stops in front of Chris, who pets it and gives it a treat, the dog then leaves.

CHRIS (to the man, who is hurt on the ground) He's a cutie, isn't he?

ANGRY MAN Ouch…

CHRIS No, "Ouch" is the Pitbull, this one's OUT!

The dog, Out, comes back and starts attacking the man again, he then quickly leaves. The angry man then stands ups, bends down to talk to Chris and screams in her face.

ANGRY MAN (screaming in Chris' face) LEAVE!

CHRIS Uuh, plural of leaf?

ANGRY MAN JUST GO AWAY! THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

Chris then pulls out a speech balloon and a Goku from behind her.

CHRIS But are you sayin' or super sayin'?

GOKU KAAAMEEEHAAAMEEEHAAAAA!

Goku uses a Kamehameha on the man, turning him to dust, the ashes that remains of the man falls on his chair.

ANGRY MAN (powder only) The heck?

CHRIS (throwing Goku away and popping the text balloon) You're all burned up, dude.

The man then gets up from his chair and stands trying to make an intimidating pose in front of Chris, who is smiling at him beside her ice cream cart.

CHRIS So, do you want an ice cream?

ANGRY MAN NO! NO! NO! I ALREADY SAID NO! ARE YOU AN IDIOT?

CHRIS Only on days that end with "y".

ANGRY MAN GRRRR... You know what? I'm gonna go to another chair, bye. I HOPE YOU DROWN, DEMON!

The man leaves looking for another chair.

ANGRY MAN HELLO, HELLO? ANYONE USEFUL IN THIS HELLISH BEACH TO HELP ME? I WANT A PARASOL AND A CHAIR RIGHT NOW! AND IT'S BETTER TO BE A COMFORTABLE ONE OR I'LL BREAK IT IN YOUR HEAD!

The scene shows Chris, making a face like she knows that the man won't escape so easily, Chris then looks at the camera.

CHRIS Time for Round 2, folks.

She grabs a ball with the number 2 on it, raises her eyebrows and throws the ball away. The scene then changes to Joseph, who is waiting for a client, finally, a kid approaches.

KID Do you have ice cream?

JOSEPH (sarcastically) No, the sign is a lie.

KID Oh, dang it, I wanted one, okay whatever bye.

The kid starts to run and move away from Joseph.

JOSEPH What? No, I was j... oh whatever, go away!

Out of nowhere a well dressed man approaches Joseph's cart.

MAGIC BEANS TRADER Good day, young man. I would like an ice cream.

JOSEPH Nice, 1 dollar!

MAGIC BEANS TRADER Well, how about something even more precious than money? Three magic beans!

JOSEPH Three magic beans? Do you think I'm stupid?

MAGIC BEANS TRADER Well… um… uuh.

JOSEPH At least give me some cornbread too.

MAGIC BEANS TRADER Deal!

Joseph gives the man a pot of pineapple ice cream, and the man gives him three beans and cornbread, and Joseph eats it right away, the man then goes away.

JOSEPH (looking at the screen) Ha, he thinks he can fool me, (licks his lips) dee-licious.

The scene changes to Chris, flying on the beach with her cart, she then suddenly stops.

CHRIS (paralyzed) Oh no… I just felt! (crying) SOMEONE IN THE TRIO EATING SOMETHING WITHOUT ME! Waaaah.

She starts to fly around with her cart crying, the scene then changes to Philip pushing his cart.

PHILIP ICE CREAM! ICE CREAM! COME GET YOUR ICE CREAM!

A volleyball player approaches him and his cart

VOLLEYBALL PLAYER Hey buddy, homemade?

PHILIP Me? Well, I was made on my home, but I won't get into details 'cuz this show is family friendly.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYER What? No, I'm talking about the ice cream!

PHILIP Well, ice cream is inanimate so I don't think it can have...

VOLLEYBALL PLAYER I AM ASKING IF THE ICE CREAM IS MADE AT HOME!

PHILIP Oh, no, it's made in a pot, there are also some that are made on a stick.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYER FORGET IT!

The volleyball player leaves furious, Philip just makes a confused expression. The scene changes to Joseph talking to another kid.

KID Give me a currant ice cream!

JOSEPH I don't have any currant one, do you want any other flavor?

KID Oh, sure, then gimme a chocolate one and a currant one!

JOSEPH (looks at the screen incredulous) There's no currant, dude.

KID Wow, alright, then gimme a mint one and a currant one.

JOSEPH THERE'S NO CURRANT ONE!

KID For God's sake, you don't have any ice cream do ya?

JOSEPH I DO, I JUST DON'T HAVE CURRANT!

KID ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! JUST GIMME A CURRANT ONE AND LEAVE!

Joseph looks at the screen and runs away, he goes to a currant bush, grabs some currants, and runs to an ice cream fabric, he then stays 3 seconds inside the fabric and runs back to the kid, holding a pot of currant ice cream.

JOSEPH (reaches out to give the kid the ice cream) Here.

KID YAAY!

Joseph throws the ice cream in the ground and smashes it with a giant hammer, the kid looks at it, scared.

JOSEPH SCRAM!

The kid runs away.

JOSEPH (calmer, looking at the camera) Kids nowadays… aren't they beeeautiful?

Joseph looks at the horizon and sees Philip talking to an elderly woman. The scene focuses on Philip and the woman.

ELDERLY WOMAN Son, what does the strawberry one taste like?

PHILIP (sarcastically) Mango.

The woman looks angrily at Philip, but quickly stops and starts laughing.

ELDERLY WOMAN Hahahahahahah, oh, I love some humorous people, alright give me one.

The woman gives 1 dollar to Philip, and he gives her a strawberry ice cream. The scene again focuses on Joseph, who is outraged by what he saw.

JOSEPH (looking at camera) WHAT? WHY WHEN HE'S RUDE IT STILL WORKS?

A young woman with sunglasses comes close to Joseph, when Joseph sees her his jaw drops.

SUNGLASSES WOMAN Hi, do you have mint?

JOSEPH (in love) Yeah! Do you have a boyfriend?

SUNGLASSES WOMAN Yes.

JOSEPH (excited) Want a second one?

SUNGLASSES WOMAN No.

Joseph, gets sad and grabs two pots of mint ice cream.

JOSEPH (holding two pots of ice cream) With or without chips?

SUNGLASSES WOMAN What kind of chips?

JOSEPH You know, The Titanic, SS Edmund Fitzgerald, S. S. Minnow.

SUNGLASSES WOMAN Oh. Uuuuh… ok, bye.

The woman gets weirded out and walks away.

JOSEPH (looking at camera) Well, guess the "ship" Joseph x Sunglasses Woman was a "wreck".

Joseph slaps his own knee.

JOSEPH I'M A COMEDY GENIUS!

Out of nowhere the screen freezes and a news intro plays. The scene then changes to William, sitting on a news scenary.

WILLIAM BREAKING NEWS! William here, thank you. We are interrupting your reading for a simple reminder. CHIP, with an C, and SHIP with an S, are two different things, don't eat ships or boats or anything similar, and don't put ships in your ice cream, it was just a little pun haha, and the pun is not even good. Don't worry, don't worry, your reading can continue now, just a quick reminder. Thanks.

The news ends and the same intro from the beginning plays. The scene changes to Chris, still flying and crying around with her cart.

CHRIS (crying) Waah, waaah, why didn't he wait to share it with me, why, why.

Chris suddenly stops crying when she sees the angry man from before, who finally found a good chair and parasol, next to him, an elderly man, the one who gave him the chair, the old man is holding a beer. The scene changes to Chris again, she quickly gasps.

CHRIS Why was I crying again?

The scene changes to the angry man sitting on his chair and the old man standing close to him.

ELDERLY MAN We have already went through 10 chairs, just decide it already!

ANGRY MAN WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING? I AM A CLIENT, YOU HAVE TO SMILE AND EVEN KISS MY FOOT IF I ASK FOR IT, I AM THE AUTHORITY HERE. THIS ONE IS GOOD, GIMME MY BEER AND SCRAM, BECAUSE YOU ANNOY ME, OLD MAN.

The elderly man gives the beer to the angry man and leaves, the man remains calm for a while, then Chris appears out of nowhere behind him and takes a megaphone.

CHRIS (speaking very fast and loudly on the megaphone, imitating a saleswoman) HELLO, HELLO, HELLO! I'm here to present you an amazing product! THE ICE CREAM! Only 1 dollar!

ANGRY MAN AAAAAAHHHHH!

The angry man jumps very high and almost hits his head again on the ceiling of the parasol, but when he is very close to hitting, Chris puts a pillow on the ceiling that cushions the hit. The man then falls sitting in his chair, still panting from the shock.

CHRIS That's the spirit, you know what they say (screaming in the megaphone) I SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!

ANGRY MAN GRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH !!! YOU AGAIN!!!

CHRIS Ya' missed me, right?

ANGRY MAN NO!!! I HATE YOU!!!

Chris then calmly gets closer to the man.

CHRIS Now have a pot, and don't be mean. Would you like to buy ice cream?

ANGRY MAN (grabbing Chris and throwing her away) I do not want your dumb ice cream! Now go away or I will scream!

The man throws Chris away, but when he turns around she is just there as if nothing had happened.

CHRIS Would you like a chocolate one? There's also mint and bubblegum.

ANGRY MAN I would not like a chocolate one. And neither mint or bubblegum. I do not want your dumb ice cream! Now go away or I will scream!

CHRIS Would you like napolitan? While being run over by a van?

When Chris says this a van appears out of nowhere and runs over the angry man, leaving him on the ground, injured.

ANGRY MAN (ran over and hurt) I would not like napolitan. While being run over by a van. I do not want your dumb ice cream! Now go away or I will scream!

The man gets up, still pretty injured.

CHRIS Do you want some brown bread? With an anvil in your head?

ANGRY MAN AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

An anvil then falls on the angry man's head, crushing him.

ANGRY MAN (crushed, below the anvil) I do not want some brown bread. With an anvil in my head. I do not want your dumb ice cream! Now go away or I will scream!

The man gets up and throws the anvil away.

CHRIS Would you, could you, honeycomb? While you hold a ticking bomb?

The man looks at his hands and sees a bomb, he tries to throw it away but it's glued to his hand, he just looks hopeless at the screen and the bomb explodes on him, making his face all black because it burned it.

ANGRY MAN (with his face all burned up, injured) I would not, could not, honeycomb. While I hold a ticking bomb. I do not want your dumb ice cream! Now go away or I will scream!

The man cleans his face and looks at Chris threateningly.

CHRIS Aw, come on, you're on the beach. Try vanilla, lemon, peach!

ANGRY MAN I don't care that I'm on the beach. I won't try vanilla, lemon or peach. I do not want your dumb ice cream! Now go away or I will scream! Seriously, give up, I will not buy it.

CHRIS Geez, you're though, come on, ya gotta try it.

ANGRY MAN NO, I WON'T, ALRIGHT THIS RHYMING IS ANNOYING, I HATE YOU SO MUCH!

CHRIS (crossing her arms) Well, I don't, (jumping on the man's arms) and I think we should stay in touch.

ANGRY MAN (throwing Chris in the sand) I HATE! I HATE! I HATE! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

CHRIS I understand that you're rude, you know what? Talk to the hand!

Chris makes the "talk to the hand" sign, and a giant hand falls from the sky and smashes the man.

ANGRY MAN (crushed) Ooouch…

CHRIS (excited) The Pitbull?

ANGRY MAN Ugh.

CHRIS Ok, I have a question.

The angry man gets up quickly, throwing the giant hand away.

ANGRY MAN Listen here, if you say "Do you want to buy an ice cream?" I will-

CHRIS Finally surrender and buy the ice cream?

ANGRY MAN NO!!! I DON'T WANT ICE CREAM!!!!!!!

CHRIS Why not?

ANGRY MAN BECAUSE NOT!!

CHRIS Why not?

ANGRY MAN BECAUSE NOT AND PERIOD!!!

CHRIS Why not?

ANGRY MAN BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE ICE CREAM AND I DON'T WANT TO SUPPORT YOUR USELESS BUSINESS!!!

CHRIS Why not?

ANGRY MAN B…well, uuuhhh.

CHRIS Tell me, why are you so rude with everyone? Did you go through the same?

ANGRY MAN Uhhhh...

CHRIS You can tell me.

Chris throws the man's chair away and puts in a therapy chair, the man lies down, she then takes a psychologist's chair and a notebook.

ANGRY MAN (lying down while Chris takes notes) Well, you know, in the past I was poor and had a small business too, I was poor but honest, I tried to stay cool. Until one day several richer people started to make fun of me, they said that I was going to die poor, I was insecure and stressed out, and I started working like crazy to try to be richer than them, I became a monster, I destroyed everyone smaller and took all their money for me, now that I’m rich, I don’t wanna go back to poverty anymore, I’m afraid of that, so I never trust anyone and I’m rude to everyone, to avoid bonding and having more betrayals. What do you think about that, doctor?

Chris stops writing in her notebook.

CHRIS That was...

Chris shows what she had written down, in fact the notebook was just a crossword puzzle.

CHRIS (laughing) ...HILARIOUS, hahahahahahahahaha! Oh poor guy, poor little thing, wah wah, cry cry!

The man jumps out of the therapy chair, insanely irritated, looking at Chris.

CHRIS But, anyways, do you want an ice cream?

The man's veins begin to pulse strongly, he becomes red, foaming with rage, from his ears and nostrils smoke comes out, he raises his hand to Chris. Tired, he calms down, lowers his head in defeat and gives Chris a dollar.

ANGRY MAN If I buy one will you leave?

CHRIS In a blink.

ANGRY MAN Ugh, ok, what do you have?

CHRIS Ice cream.

ANGRY MAN WHAT'S THE FLAVOR?

CHRIS Sweet.

ANGRY MAN GRRRRR!!! Ugh, give me a chocolate one.

CHRIS OK.

Chris opens her ice cream cart to get the man's ice cream, but stops halfway.

CHRIS Hey! Wait a second.

Chris grabs an ice cream pot, opens it and only sees fish, she opens another one and sees vegetables.

CHRIS (angry) Oh poo, I hate when I open the ice cream pot and there's frozen food in it.

She looks at the man.

CHRIS Yeah man, no ice cream today, take your dollar back.

The man takes the dollar and looks at Chris, then he starts to smile.

ANGRY MAN Hahaha, frozen food? HAHA HA! So you never had ice cream? HAHA, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

The man takes Chris's cart and jumps aways, driving the cart like crazy on the beach, doing somersaults and throwing frozen food at everyone.

ANGRY MAN (from a distance, jumping, moving further and further away) HAHAHAHA, FREE FOOD GUYS, TODAY WE HAVE FROZEN FISH, WHO WANTS SOME? HAHAHAHA BLUBLUBLU BUY FROZEN VEGETABLES TOO PEOPLE HAHA!

The scene shows Chris, a little weirded out, she looks at the camera confused and says.

CHRIS Actually, this guy must be Pisces.

A clock on a tower in the distance says it's 5PM, Chris sees the clock and decides to go flying to the boardwalk where the challenge started. The scene then changes to Philip, already on the boardwalk, talking to a girl in a hat and sunglasses.

PHILIP You know, I was thinking, if revenge is a dish best served cold, and revenge is sweet, does it mean that it is ice cream?

HAT WOMAN What? (being pushed) AAAAAHHHH !!!!

Joseph arrives irritated, running over and pushing the girl with his cart.

PHILIP Jeez, (pause) sold nothing, right Joe?

JOSEPH Shh.

Out of nowhere Chris arrives flying without her cart and lands next to Joseph and Philip.

PHILIP Chris, we didn't see you all morning.

JOSEPH Where's your cart?

CHRIS I lent it to a guy.

PHILIP Ok, people, how much did you get?

CHRIS AND JOSEPH 0 dollars.

JOSEPH 0 dollars… buuut, a three beans and cornbread lunch.

CHRIS (angry) SO IT WAS YOU! GRRRRR!

Chris starts to beat up Joseph inside a cartoon cloud fight!

JOSEPH (inside the fight cloud) AAAHHHH!

PHILIP I got 4 dollars. I win! And no, we really can't work as ice cream sellers.

The fight cloud suddenly stops, with Chris and Joseph making stupid poses.

JOSEPH Yeah, now "icy" how bad it is.

Joseph runs to a drum set, plays "ba dum tss" and quickly returns.

JOSEPH I'll lose my sanity, but not the pun.

Chris starts to beat up Joseph in the fight cloud again.

PHILIP But hey, this job may not be for us but I know someone who will like it.

Joseph and Chris stop fighting and go one to each side of Philip.

JOSEPH AND CHRIS What? Who?

PHILIP Leonard the Leaf!

Philip extends his arms off the screen, holds something and brings his arms to the screen again, revealing that he is holding Leonard the Leaf. Philip then throws Leonard on top of his cart.

LEONARD Hi.

JOSEPH The people will not understand this reference, his story hasn't started yet!

PHILIP (looking at camera) But it's the next one, so if you want to know who the heck this guy is, READ THE REST!

Philip, Joseph and Chris look at each other with tired and irritated looks, Leonard just sits in Philip's ice cream cart, looking at the trio with a neutral look.

PHILIP Now let's go home, I hated this beach.

JOSEPH AND CHRIS I agree.

The trio runs off the screen, leaving only Leonard on top of the carts, Leonard looks at the camera confused and the screen closes.

-------------------------------------------------- ------- PLANT PROBLEMS

The scene begins with Leonard in the garden of a house talking to a woman, the garden has huge grass.

HOUSE OWNER Okay, so, I want you to fix my garden. Can I really trust you?

LEONARD Of course, I've been a gardener since kindergarden.

HOUSE OWNER It's… kindergarTen.

LEONARD Whatever.

HOUSE OWNER But wait, aren't you a leaf? Isn't a leaf cutting other leaves a little strange?

LEONARD What? Are you saying that all the leaves are the same?

HOUSE OWNER No, it's just… um… nevermind, how long have you been a gardener to have so much experience?

LEONARD Who do you think planted the Garden of Eden?

HOUSE OWNER WAS IT YOU?

LEONARD Exactly.

HOUSE OWNER "Ezacly"? Who is it? A friend of yours?

Leonard looks at the camera a little surprised.

LEONARDO (sarcastically) Yes.

HOUSE OWNER Okay, so seriously, how long have you been a gardener?

LEONARD Since I saw the ad saying you needed one.

HOUSE OWNER Ugh, I feel like I'm making a mistake.

LEONARD Take it easy, the lawn will be beautiful like me.

HOUSE OWNER (concerned) Is… is that a threat?

Leonard looks at the camera with a sarcastic look.

LEONARD I can see how someone like you would think that.

HOUSE OWNER What do you mean by that?

LEONARD Exactly.

Leonard shoves the woman into her house.

HOUSE OWNER Huh? What does your friend has to do with anything?

Leonard then locks the door.

LEONARD Let's see, what can I do.

Leonard looks at the lawn mower, picks it up and starts mowing the lawn.

LEONARD HEY HEY HEY! What's that, narrator? Are you dumb? Do you think I'm going to do something as simple as that? YOU can be a simpleton like that, but I'm Leonard the Leaf, I can do better than that.

You said "that" four times.

LEONARD And is THAT your problem?

Whatever, Leonard starts to think, until he has an idea and a light bulb appears in his head.

LEONARD A light bulb? How cliché, I can do better than that!

The light bulb gets angry at Leonard and breaks itself in his head.

LEONARD Ow! HEY!

And an anvil falls on Leonard and crushes him.

LEONARD (crushed and hurt) NARRATOR!

And a ship also falls o-

LEONARD Ok, ok, I won't be mean anymore!

Alright then. A glowing mushroom appears in Leonard's head and he has an idea.

LEONARD Now that's more creative! And I have an idea, I'll get cleaning products and mix with herbicide, the mixture of the two things will kill the whole grass. Genius.

Leonard starts picking up various products without even looking, and when he goes to get the herbicide, he gets a liquid fertilizer by accident. Leonard then pours them all into a bowl and starts mixing everything with a wooden spoon.

LEONARD I am so smart.

Leonard takes the wooden spoon out of the bowl to put on the floor. The moment he was taking it out of the bowl, a small carnivorous plant bites his foot.

LEONARD OW! HEY!

Leonard kneels and gets closer to the carnivorous plant that bit him.

LEONARD (angry) Listen here! (pointing at the plant) You little wretch, how dare you bite the great Leonard the Leaf? I warn you, if you do it again, you will be the first one to die.

When Leonard finishes saying this, the carnivorous plant bites his index finger hardly.

LEONARD AAAAHHH! (sucking his finger) Okay!

Leonard takes the wooden spoon and dips the tip of it in the bowl, soaking it with the mixture. He then lets the mixture drip onto the carnivorous plant, which begins to melt.

LEONARD That's what you get for messing with LEONARD THE LEAF!

The melting carnivorous plant suddenly grows and becomes gigantic in front of Leonard.

CARNIVOROUS PLANT ROOAAR.

LEONARD (intimidated) Can we talk about that?

The carnivorous plant swallows Leonard, chews him, makes a disgusted face, and spits him out. After that the plant detaches from the ground and runs away. The scene then shows Leonard chewed and bruised on the side of the bowl.

LEONARD (bruised, with a bump on his head) aND tHeN tHEy ThiNk IT's wEiRd thAT i wAnT To kiLL pLaNTs

Leonard then gets up, enraged, looking at the bowl.

LEONARD The heck? Why didn't it work? Did I put something wrong?

Leonard looks at the chemicals and sees the liquid fertilizer can he accidentally put.

LEONARD Oh. So it was this! (shouting) GO AWAY STUPID THING!

Leonard throws the can of liquid fertilizer away, the can falls on top of the lawn mower, activating it. The mower starts to walk across the lawn, shaking and making the can drop liquid fertilizer all over the garden. Everywhere, carnivorous plants start to grow and look at Leonard.

LEONARD How the heck there are so many carnivorous plants here?

Leonard prepares to run away, but the lawn mower passes over him, cutting him all up. After that, all the giant carnivorous plants start attacking Leonard, who screams loudly, after a while, the plants come off the ground and run away, leaving Leonard completely butchered on the ground. Leonard gets up furious and in an impulsive action, without thinking, kicks the bowl with the mixture away.

LEONARD (sad and worried) I feel that this was a mistake.

The bowl falls on an apple tree, and makes it and its apples become giant.

LEONARD Woah!

Leonard comes closer to the giant apple tree, which has the bowl that Leonard kicked at the top.

LEONARD (looking up) That's all I needed! How am I going to get this stupid bowl from this dumb tree.

Leonard kicks the tree in anger.

LEONARD (with his foot hurting) MY FOOT!

Leonard begins to hold one of his feet in pain while he bounces in circles with the other, the bowl at the top of the tree then falls on him.

LEONARD (bruised under the bowl) My FoOt, hEaD, SHoUldERs, EarS, And EveRYthiNG eLsE…

One of the giant apples fell from the tree, crushing the bowl and Leonard.

LEONARD (bruised under the bowl and the giant apple) Ok, I wiLL TRy sOMetHinG siMpLe…

The screen closes and the scene changes to Leonard using the lawn mower to mow the lawn.

LEONARD (sarcastically) Oh really, narrator? You're so smart aren't you.

And then a ship-

LEONARD NONONONO! SORRY, SORRY!

Yeah, continuing. Leonard is mowing the lawn quietly, until an elderly neighbor appears at the garden fence.

NEIGHBOR Are you the new gardener?

LEONARD (mentally) Oh my tree, is everyone in here a Captain Obvious?

Leonard still walking with the lawn mower looks at the neighbor.

LEONARD (sarcastically) No, I'm a thief, but I only steal houses with nice gardens, so I'm fixing this one to steal it later.

The neighbor understands the sarcasm and makes an annoyed face.

NEIGHBOR Well, this garden is so badly cut that it ACTUALLY looks like you're vandalizing it. I mean, I bet you don't even know anything about plants.

Shocked, Leonard takes his hands off the lawn mower still on and goes in front of the neighbor.

LEONARD (angry and shocked) What? Are you looking at me? I AM a plant! AND I AM LEONARD THE LEAF, I understand everything and anything!

NEIGHBOR Okay, so tell me. (pointing to a random direction in the garden that Leonard is in) From what family that plant is?

LEONARD Is from the owner of this house's family, which by the way is called House Owner, weird name, right?

NEIGHBOR Well, my name is Neighbor so I don't judge. ANYWAYS, DO NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT! (pointing in a random direction) What plant is that?

LEONARD Hmm. Well, I only know the scientific name, it's a Mammillaria?

Out of nowhere Philip, Joseph and Chris appear on Leonard's side.

PHILIP HEY!

LEONARD AND NEIGHBOR AAAAH!

PHILIP Leo! This show is supposed to be family friendly!

LEONARD W-what the heck are doing here? You already had a story!

PHILIP We are preventing you from contaminating readers' minds with foul words.

LEONARD These are plants names.

PHILIP Yeah, right, nice excuse.

Leonard looks at the camera annoyed, he then puts Philip, Chris and Joseph in a box and kicks the three away.

LEONARD (looking at the neighbor) So, I got the name of the plant right, are you convinced?

NEIGHBOR Hmm, okay, (pointing to a random direction) but, what's that one?

LEONARD Um… a Bifora testiculata!

Out of nowhere Philip, Joseph and Chris appear on Leonard's side again.

LEONARD AND NEIGHBOR AAAAHH!

LEONARD AGAIN?

PHILIP That's what the narrator said.

True.

CHRIS Leo, are you going to stop or not?

LEONARD (annoyed) THESE ARE PLANT NAMES!

Leonard takes a bucket, shoves the trio into the bucket, turns around and throws it away.

LEONARD (looking angrily to the neighbor) ARE YOU CONVINCED OR NOT? IDIOT!

NEIGHBOR Not yet.

LEONARD For the love of the tree, okay, gimme another question, THE LAST QUESTION.

NEIGHBOR Now say the name of (pointing to random direction), that one!

LEONARD A Pinus rigida.

Out of nowhere Philip, Joseph and Chris appear on Leonard's side again, this time, Joseph is holding a giant hammer.

LEONARD AND NEIGHBOR AAAHH!

LEONARD (furious) WHAT IS IT?

JOSEPH We warned you.

Joseph smashes Leonard with the giant hammer.

LEONARDO (crushed and bruised) $#&@

PHILIP (looking at Chris and Joseph) Sailor mouth, huh?

Joseph and Chris nod yes to Philip, after that, the trio leaves jumping away. Leonard gets up furiously and looks at the old neighbor.

LEONARD ANY OTHER QUESTIONS, SON OF A...

The lawn mower Leonard let go and left on before comes back and runs him over. Out of nowhere, Philip, Chris and Joseph appear on the side of Leonard, who is all cut up on the ground.

PHILIP Son of a what?

LEONARD (cut on the ground) Don't you dare.

NEIGHBOR No more questions, you really do know a lot about plants, huh?

LEONARD (cut on the floor) Of course, I'm the great Leonard the…

The lawn mower runs over Leonard again, making him even more cut up.

LEONARD LeAF.

The screen closes and the scene changes to Leonard on the side of another bowl, with the same chemicals as before.

LEONARD I knew I shouldn't have given up on the first idea just because of a silly mistake, I am a genius, I will never doubt myself again.

Leonard takes a can of herbicide.

LEONARD THIS TIME, I AM SURE THAT I PUT THE FREAKING RIGHT BOTTLE!

Leonard puts the herbicide in the cleaning product mix and mixes everything.

LEONARD (mixing) Yes, perfect, FINALLY.

Leonard starts to throw his mixture everywhere, and where he throws it, the grass dies. While he does this, the owner of the house leaves the house to check how everything is going.

HOUSE OWNER So, Leonard, I came to see how you are… MY GOD WHAT IS THAT?

The lady sees her lawn in a horrible state because of all the things that happened.

HOUSE OWNER (shocked) ARE YOU KILLING THE GRASS? I JUST WANTED YOU TO CUT IT! AND WHAT'S THAT GIANT APPLE DOING THERE? AND WHY SO MANY HOLES IN THE GROUND? AND WHY THERE'S A GIANT HAMMER HERE?

LEONARD Calm down, calm down, I can explain! I'm killing the grass because it's smarter than mowing it now and having to mow it again later, the giant apple is because I made a magic mixture that made things grow in size, the holes were made by giant carnivorous plants that came out of the ground and attacked me, and the giant hammer is from a boy who magically appeared here with his 2 friends and crushed me with it.

The woman looks at Leonard in disbelief.

LEONARD It's true.

The woman kicks Leonard off her lawn, and he flies away until falling into a trash can. He then takes a piece of paper and a pencil and erases "gardener" off a list of possible jobs.

LEONARD Meh, I was too good for gardener anyways.

Leo looks at the camera angrily, the screen closes and the episode ends.

-------------------------------------------------- ------- TODAY'S POEM

And now the curtains open, and it shows in the scene, Philip, Chris and Joseph, who are looking at the screen.

PHILIP It's time for today's poem, and now for your delight!

CHRIS We're gonna read a poem, DUH, kinda obvious, am I right?

Joseph takes a paper, with the poem of the day, and now we all wonder, what will this fool say?

JOSEPH HEY!!!

PHILIP Yo, come on Joe, no delay!

CHRIS Yeah, otherwise, boss won't pay.

Joseph calms down and with a look of concentration, he start to read it, with no hesitation.

JOSEPH Mary had a little lamb So she put it in a pan And ate it with jam I dunno why she would do this, man But if she can do it, you also can

CHRIS And that was today's poem.

PHILIP Now, SCRAM!

#episode #writing #comedy #humor

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gumnut-logic · 6 years ago

Text

Coping Mechanism

Title: Coping Mechanism

Author: Gumnut

9 - 10 Jun 2019

Fandom: Thunderbirds Are Go 2015/ Thunderbirds TOS

Rating: Teen

Summary: “I get you guys are busy and I’m spoilt that you all visit when you can, but honestly, this isn’t about me. This is out of character for Virg.” A pause. “And I miss him, okay?”

Word count: 7342

Spoilers & warnings: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3 EPISODE 13

Timeline: Episode Tag

Author’s note: Thank you to @scribbles97 for all her support. While the natural topic to episode tag this major ep is in the Pen & Ink department or even the Gordon!whump department, I actually write Virgil, so this happened. It has its moments and it just kept going. Again, its about brothers and coping with the situation the ep left us with. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Disclaimer: Mine? You’ve got to be kidding. Money? Don’t have any, don’t bother.

-o-o-o-

Virgil Tracy is not a fish.

That’s not to say he has no love of the sea. Nor does it say he can’t swim. It’s just his preferred medium is air and rocket engines. Besides, he has a little brother who would rather swim than fly any day, so there was no need for Virgil to get his feet wet.

But he had never wanted his ‘bird to swim more than he had in the last couple of days.

Thunderbird Two had been in the water...once. Gordon had taken great joy at poking fun at his older brother as TB4 ran circles around the swamped Two as they all worked to get her space-rigged shell out of the Pacific. It had taken four souped-up pods to lift her module-less carcass off the surface of the ocean. The rest of her had been nabbed by One and Shadow, a fractured convoy of Thunderbird eventually coming to rest on her runway several hundred kilometres to the west. It had taken him a week to get her back up to par, combing through her systems, draining her vents, reassuring himself that his girl was safe to fly. Scott had dragged him off her several times. The one conclusion from that whole fiasco was that he was never doing that again. No matter how exciting he had thought it might be.

Despite it all, he would love to be able to dive beneath the waves now. Yesterday. The day before. Especially the day before.

He was used to being the backup, the hovering older brother, monitoring, keeping watch, but always that niggle in the back of his mind of what could he do if something went seriously wrong? Gordon was the aquanaut and he always worked alone.

It broke the most basic rules of diving. Never dive alone. Gordon did it all the time, his confidence was so strong, and Virgil reconciled it with the fact that he always had a brother hovering over him.

He always had Virgil hovering over him.

Or at the very least, John.

Gordon was watched with loving eyes.

Hadn’t counted when it was most needed though.

Virgil bit his lip and glared at the display tracking his eldest and youngest brothers. Scott and Alan were on retrieval duty, pulling Thunderbird Four...no, her remains from the bottom of the ocean.

Again.

The pods were efficient, but they were no TB4. His eyes followed the dots over the holographic landscape as they moved the rocks that had crushed his brother’s ‘bird.

John was with his brother in the hospital. Eos was monitoring the retrieval, her quiet and unusually respectful tones relaying important data.

Virgil sat hovering above the ocean with only his thoughts for company.

Lots of whatifs and should haves, none of which gave him a satisfactory answer as to what he could have done better.

Chatter over the comms - Scott had freed the remains of her cockpit, Alan part of her cargo bay and they were returning to the surface.

Virgil sat.

He watched as the buckled remains of the compartment that had saved his little brother’s life slowly emerged from the thankfully calm surface of the ocean. The buckled shape, the busted marine acrylic, the...augh, Gordon had been in that? Something inside Virgil curled up, twisted and cried. His ears listened as his two brothers coordinated themselves and loaded the wreck into the module before once again leaving Virgil alone, above the ocean, waiting.

“Virgil?”

“Yes, John?” Blink. “Aren’t you at the hospital?”

“Yes. Eos asked me to check on you.”

Huh? “Okay, why?”

“She said you needed a little company.”

“I’m fine, John.”

“That I highly doubt as none of us are fine.”

He did have a point.

Alan’s pod bounced to the surface sporting another chunk of broken yellow submarine.

And there started the earworm his little brother so often enjoyed planting in his brain. ‘We all live in a yellow submarine’ was the bane of the Tracy existence.

Scott followed. His piece was torn in half, the paint scorched. There was heat down there.

So damn close.

“Virgil?” John again.

“Yeah?”

“Maybe you should take a break?”

“A break from what? I’m not doing anything. Alan and Scott have it all under control.” Another shredded yellow piece of metal emerged. Change of subject. “How is Gordon?”

“Complaining. They ran another series of blood tests and he’s claiming the hospital is run by vampires.”

“More tests? Why?”

A pause. “Nothing to be concerned about.” Another pause, this one longer. “Scott wants to speak with you.” John cut himself off.

“Virgil, you okay?” Big brother was definitely on the line.

“I’m fine.” A frown. “How are you?”

“Getting there. Almost got all of it. Some of it is scattered so we’re double checking.” Another pause. “Hey, could you drop down to the module and make room for the pods. We’ve kinda made a bit of a mess.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” Well, at least it gave him something to do. “Eos, can you secure Thunderbird Two?”

“Certainly, Virgil. Are you feeling better?”

“What?”

“Did John help?”

“Help with what?” He was paused half out of his pilot’s chair, frowning.

“Oh! Oh, never mind.”

Virgil stared at the speaker. He was missing something.

“Virg, you coming down?”

“Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on.”

-o-o-o-

The mess he found in his module was as heart-breaking as he had expected. Scott and Alan dragged up the last few bits and pieces of his brother’s trashed ‘bird. Virgil secured it all for transport, his exo-suit shifting chunks of yellow thunderbird to one side to allow the pods to dock with the module.

At some point his heart stopped hurting and just fell numb. Scott caught him staring at the scarred and buckled four on her yellow dorsal fin. It was stashed on top of one of the piles like a tombstone. An arm snaked across his shoulders and squeezed.

“She’ll fly again.”

Virgil swallowed, the lump in his throat, hard. “Yes, she will.”

And she would. The moment Thunderbird Two came to a stop in her hanger, Virgil was out of his seat and down in the module.

It wasn’t her module. She wasn’t in four, she was in two, and that was wrong.

Shouldering on his exo-suit once again, Virgil began moving her parts to her home.

Eventually she was laid out like a broken lego kit on the floor of her module. Virgil took a deep breath and shed his suit before exiting to his workshop.

“Virg, you coming up for lunch?” Alan’s expression was as far from his usual upbeat self as it could be.

“Be up later.” He waved his little brother off.

Alan shrugged and left.

Virgil pulled up Four’s schematics and began planning.

-o-o-o-

Scott spent a great deal of time in transit over the next week. Caught amongst the hospital, the GDF and International Rescue, not to mention Tracy Industries and the media, he barely had time to eat much less sleep. By the end of the week, John was calling him on it and bundled him off to bed despite his protests.

The moment the media discovered one of the Tracy boys was in the hospital, the networks exploded with stories. Apparently, Gordon had sixteen love children by twelve different women, the Hood was actually an alien, all the Thunderbirds had exploded and the vent field was heralding the end of all life on Earth.

Gordon found all of the above totally hilarious and had to be banned from the internet after launching three new rumours of his own. Scott was most unimpressed with the idea that Gordon was the next six-billion-dollar man and could shoot lasers from his eyeballs.

Grandma had to break that one up.

So, Scott was tired. Ever so tired.

Perhaps that is why he didn’t notice that he hadn’t seen Virgil for all of that week.

There had been a rescue in the middle of that and Virgil had been on comms, but Scott hadn’t actually seen him, as he had answered with TB1 from London. If his brother had sounded a little tired, it wasn’t surprising. Scott felt like he’d parked his ‘bird on his own head.

Alan was almost as scarce. He wasn’t handling Gordon’s absence very well at all. Also not surprising. Scott eventually threw him onto One and parked him at the hotel with Grandma and ordered him to stay there unless he was needed for a mission.

Grandma needed the support and Alan needed to see Gordon.

John was up and down to TB5 several times that week and it was showing. Scott actually heard Eos yelling at his brother at one point.

In short, the whole Tracy family was a mess, and understandably.

Then there was the question of their father.

Scott found himself both desperate for further information and shying away from the whole idea.

It wasn’t that he wasn’t excited by the possibility that his father might still be alive. God, please let him be.

Please.

It was the hope that hurt. He had been burnt so many times by the chance, by the mere glimmer of finding his father that he wasn’t sure he would be strong enough to face disappointment again.

Or watch his brothers face the same.

Brains knew it. Brains had been through it with them that same number of times. The engineer disappeared into his work, determined to find the answers as fast as possible. To follow through on that glimmer that had so much potential for destruction.

So, no, Scott didn’t notice his next younger brother’s absence and it shamed him when he did.

It was Gordon who pulled the blinkers off his eyes.

“Scott?” The sound of his injured brother’s voice shook him out of the mental doze he had fallen into. A glance at the clock told him how much time he didn’t have left to sleep tonight and why his brain had half shut down. The lights were on in the comms room, but the darkness outside through the wide-open windows sucked the illumination into a black hole of sea breeze and distant waves.

“Gordon? Do you have any idea what time it is?” His brother was several hours behind Tracy Island and likely bored again.

“You’re awake, aren’t you?”

“I am now.”

“Good. Have you seen Virg?”

“Huh? It’s 2.30am.”

“Yeah, so? Virg is a night owl, not an early bird like you. This is barely knock off time.”

“What did you want him for?”

“He was going to give me an update on Four after dinner and I haven’t heard from him.”

“An update on Four? Gordon, we haven’t even started on Four. Brains has been working on Calypso and Brayman.”

“No, Virgil asked me yesterday what my preferred calibrations were for her rear thrusters. He said he was ready to tune.”

“Ready to tune? Gordon, the last I saw of your ‘bird, she was broken worse than you.”

“Thank you for that image, great big brother.” A pause. “When was the last time you slept? You look awful.”

Scott sighed. “Yesterday? The GDF are dancing, the media are annoying and Tracy Industries is complaining about a six point drop on the share price.” He nodded in Gordon’s direction. “You should be proud. Six points is decent. Our shareholders obviously love you.”

But Gordon didn’t pick up the joke. In fact, he was frowning. “You need sleep, Scott.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. John has been nagging me constantly.”

“You let Virgil see you like that, he’ll hogtie you to your bed.” The frown deepened. “Why hasn’t he tied you up already?”

And that was the clincher. It forced Scott to think back to when he had last seen Virgil...and came up blank. “I haven’t seen him.”

“What do you mean you haven’t seen him? I told you, he’s working on my ‘bird.”

“And I told you we haven’t started yet. Brains has been too busy.”

“Yet you haven’t seen Virgil today. When did you last see him?”

Scott found his throat dry. So damned tired. “Can’t remember.”

His little brother’s bandaged head glared at him through the hologram. “You are going to do two things right now. First you are going to find Virgil for me. Then you are going to bed. Obviously, Virgil is shirking his ‘kick your ass’ duty. Can’t believe it, I break a couple of bones and you all fall apart.”

“Watch it, Gordon. Not a joking matter.”

“Neither is the fact that my second eldest brother is MIA. Go and find him, or you’ll have to put up with my nagging voice instead of his much more pleasant baritone telling you to damn well go to bed.”

Scott was of the distinct impression that if he did find Virgil, the nagging wouldn’t change tone, it would simply duplicate. Since his brown eyed brothers’ voices could often be mistaken for each other it would just be a louder rumble.

But Gordon was right. Now he realised Virgil was missing, he had to find him.

Shunting the work aside on the desk, Scott pulled up a map of the island and keyed in Virgil’s tracker code.

Module Four.

At 2.35am.

Well, he would go down there, drag his brother back to bed and then find his own. GDF reports be damned.

A sigh and he struggled to his feet. Not enough exercise this week of the fitness kind. Time was non-existent.

Virgil would kill him.

Why hadn’t he?

He hit the elevator and used the few moments it took to descend to the hangers to just lean on the wall and close his eyes. Gordon was going to get better. It would take some time, but he would be hale and healthy eventually. The chaos of the last week would be in the past and slowly everything would return to normal. As normal as it got on this Island in any case.

The elevator hit the bottom of the shaft and the doors slid quietly open. Pushing off from the wall, Scott straightened himself and started the trek across Thunderbird Two’s hangar.

The massive ‘bird sat quietly in her ready to launch position, ever hulking over everything around her. Scott’s footsteps echoed across the empty cavern.

As he neared the module bay, soft piano music wafted over the cool air. Light shone from the open hatch of Module Four. There was no doubt where Virgil was.

Stepping into the shaft of light, Scott’s eyes landed on Thunderbird Four, snug in her module.

And in one piece.

He blinked and took another step forward. Gone was the pile of scorched scrap that once was a beloved Thunderbird. In its place sat a grey ghost of a machine, her shape matched perfectly to the TB4 he knew. Bare metal, undercoated in places, yellow in others, the raw cahelium alloy shining dully in the artificial light

How the hell? “Virgil?” It came out as a croak.

Only the music, apparently on loop, answered.

As he approached closer, Scott resisted the urge to reach out and touch that gleaming metal. Walking around her, he found one of her thruster casings had been removed and left on the floor. A panel gaped open showing her inner workings like an abandoned medical procedure.

“Virgil?”

He completed his circle of the submarine and still no sign of his brother. “Virgil?”

He peered through the pane-less windows. Empty.

“Virgil!”

It wasn’t until his third circle of the craft that he noticed the boot sticking out under one of the rear thrusters.

“Virg?”

Down on his knees and he realised the ‘bird was up on jacks.

And his brother was asleep under her.

Shit.

Virgil was curled up, spanner still in hand, a panel hanging open above him.

Scott resisted the urge to simply pull him out by the feet. The danger...their jacks were amongst the most secure in the business, but still...not safe.

He reached under the submarine and shook the sleeping mechanic. “Virgil, wake up.” No response. A solid shove. “Virgil!”

For a split second, a ‘what if he is not simply sleeping’ scenario danced across Scott’s mind and froze his blood. A disgruntled groan from his prone brother, sprouted so much relief he almost forgot to be angry.

Almost.

“Virgil, what the hell are you doing? Get out from under there.”

“Wha-?”

Newly awoken Virgil equals dopey Virgil.

This time Scott did simply reach in and pull his brother out from under the submarine. Virgil flailed but was too asleep to squawk.

“Are you okay?”

Brown eyes blinked up at him, frowned, and Scott was shocked to see the dark patches under them. His brother looked gaunt and drained.

It took a moment or two, but Virgil’s brain slowly came online. He rolled over and, wavering, pushed himself to his feet. “M’okay.”

“You don’t look it.”

“Just a little tired.”

“A little. What have you been doing down here?”

Brown eyes turned on him with a half-awake glare. “What does it look like?”

“It looks great, Virgil, but you look like shit.”

His brother blatantly stared him up and down. “You’re no ray of sunshine either.” A concerned frown. “When was the last time you slept?”

“Me? What about you?”

“About a minute ago. Sleeping nicely, thank you.”

“Under a jacked-up submarine with a spanner for a bed partner.”

The spanner in Virgil’s hand was suddenly shoved into his tool chest. “Guess I got tired. Haven’t been sleeping well.”

Scott just glared. “Go to bed.”

“You first.”

“Oh, for the love of...I don’t have time for this. Just move, Virgil. Up to your room. A good twelve hours at least or I’m siccing Grandma on you.”

Virgil glared at him for a whole second before turning abruptly and shoving the open thruster panel closed. He grabbed a rag that looked dirtier than his hands and wiped them thoroughly before making a beeline towards the elevator on the far side of the hangar.

Scott’s lips thinned a moment before he hit the light switch and followed.

-o-o-o-

Scott considered the matter solved and after a decent night’s sleep of his own, he returned to wrestling the GDF and Tracy Industries.

Three days later, this time ten in the morning, Gordon commed him, again asking for Virgil. It was at this point that Gordon revealed that he hadn’t actually seen the engineer since that first visit at the hospital. He had only spoken to him over comms about Thunderbird Four.

“He hasn’t visited you at all?”

“You getting hard of hearing, old man?”

“This is Virgil we are talking about?”

“Senile apparently, too. I get you guys are busy and I’m spoilt that you all visit when you can, but honestly, this isn’t about me. This is out of character for Virg.” A pause, russet brown eyes refusing to meet his blue. “And I miss him, okay?”

The admission to vulnerability landed somewhere in Scott’s left ventricle and caused a stutter.

“I’ll find him. You rest.”

“I am resting. All I do is rest. It is so boring.”

“Anything we can do?”

“Find Virgil!”

“Okay, okay.” A mock salute. “Calm down. I’ll find him.”

“How you flippin’ lose him, I have no idea. Don’t you notice when he goes missing?”

That chopped off a chunk of his heart. “I’ll do my best.” He killed the connection and kicked the desk he was apparently chained to.

He grit his teeth, cursing the Hood to the cellular level.

Another flick of a finger and he pulled up Virgil’ tracker again.

Module Four.

Scott sighed and headed down to the hangers.

His brother was awake this time, fortunately since he was on top of the submarine working on who knew what. A welding mask was flipped up, caught in his hair, and he had earphones in his ears.

“Virgil!”

The engineer had his back to him and didn’t answer.

“Virgil!”

Still nothing.

Scott strode around the vehicle attempting to get into his brother’s line of sight. The man’s red flannel shirt fluttered about him, open at the front and Scott realised the material was torn on one side. “Virgil!”

His brother kept working, eyes trained on whatever he was doing. A hand reached up and flipped his visor down. Violet sparks flew as he activated a welding torch and Scott was forced to throw up a hand and look away. “Goddamnit, Virgil!”

The light flickered against the walls of the module, Scott, forced to stare at his own shadow, waiting for his brother to finish doing what he was doing.

“Ah, shit!”

The welding light shut off to be replaced by an amber glow. Scott dared to look up at his brother only to widen his eyes in shock when he found the man on fire.

Virgil stood on top of TB4, mask up, swearing and beating at his flannel shirt, the material happily burning a black streak up his side.

Scott didn’t think, just hurried over to the nearest suitable fire extinguisher, grabbed it, and, clambering up the ladder, shot his brother with it.

It would have been funny if it was.

It wasn’t.

His brother gasped, flailing in the stream of harmless, but undoubtedly cold, chemicals. A white haze coated Virgil by the time Scott was satisfied the flames were out. The man stood staring at him a mixture of shock and anger on his face.

Well, at least he finally had Virgil’s attention.

The engineer ripped out his headphones. “What did you do that for?”

“You were on fire, Virgil.”

“It was under control.”

“Could have fooled me.” A sigh and Scott put the extinguisher down. A step and he was beside his brother gently pulling off the soaked and damaged shirt and examining him for burns.

“I can undress myself, you know.” It was said quietly and without anger.

Scott balled up the shirt and chucked it over the edge. It hit the module floor with a splat. Reaching up, he slid the welding mask out of Virgil’s hair and placed it beside the discarded welding torch.

“What are you doing?”

“Something I should have done three days ago.” He gestured towards the ladder. “After you.”

Virgil shook his head. “I have to finish this connector.”

Scott grabbed his arm, a touch alarmed at the focus in his brother’s eyes. “No, you’re coming with me.”

“Scott-“

“Now.”

His brother’s shoulders tensed a moment and Scott thought he was going to have to push harder, but a sudden wilt and Virgil let out a disconsolate groan. He shed his gloves, the fireproof pair landing beside the discarded helmet. Without a further word, the engineer turned and climbed down the ladder.

Lips thin, Scott followed.

He followed, then directed his brother’s grey shirted shoulders out of the hanger and up to the kitchen where he sat the man down and made him a hot chocolate.

Not a single word was said.

Turning back from the fridge, Scott found Virgil staring into nothing, five fingers tapping on the table. In the bright light of the morning sun, he finally got a good look at him.

The shadows under his brother’s eyes were almost caverns. He was pale, even gaunt. His hair uncharacteristically stuck up in all directions, most likely stiff from grease more than hair product. Virgil had a habit of running his fingers through his hair when thinking, no matter what was on those fingers at the time.

The lack of red flannel bleached the man out, his dark hair a smudge against the grey.

He placed the hot chocolate in front of Virgil, but to Scott’s surprise, it was ignored.

Those fingers continued to tap.

“Gordon is looking for you.” It took a moment, but those brown eyes turned to him. Scott sat down across from his brother and nursed his own warm cup. “He wants to see you.”

A slow blink, and the fingers stopped tapping and were dragged through hair. “Yeah, I need to give him an update.”

“Update?”

“On Thunderbird Four.”

Scott frowned. “Why?”

“So he knows how she’s doing.”

“What about how you’re doing?”

“What about it? I’m fine. She’s coming together good. Shouldn’t be long before we can finish her shell and get that yellow happening.”

Scott stared at his brother.

“When did you last sleep, Virgil?”

A shrug, but no answer and a complete lack of eye contact.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Doing what? Brains is busy and Gordon needs his girl. Not a hard equation, Scott.”

“Gordon needs you.”

That did it. Brown eyes snapped to his. “What?”

“You haven’t been to see him.”

“I’ve spoken with him.”

“About TB4.”

“Yeah.”

A sigh. “He misses you, Virg. Why don’t you hitch a ride with me this afternoon and we can go visit him together?”

His brother held his stare. “I’m quite capable of flying myself out.”

An arched eyebrow. “I could easily take that as you not wanting my company, but I’m not buying it and there is no way you are flying anywhere. Hell, at this point I wouldn’t give you a license to walk, much less fly.”

Virgil rolled his eyes, downed the previously ignored hot chocolate in one gulp, and stood up. “I’m fine. I need to get back to work.”

“No.” Scott put down his own mug and stood up to face his brother. “You are going to have a nap and then we are flying out to the hospital so you can see Gordon.”

Those brown eyes flared, but Scott shifted his stance, his intentions clear.

Again, his brother’s shoulders wilted, his gaze dropping. “Fine.”

Scott stepped back from the table and walked around until he was standing beside Virgil. The man’s hands were clenched and white knuckled. Scott wrapped an arm around his little brother’s considerable shoulders. “C’mon, Virg, give yourself a break. Gordon misses you.”

The fists unclenched, muscles going limp.

“Go up to your room, have a nap. I’ll call you when I’m ready to go.”

A flicker of brown shot at him, but his brother turned away and headed up the stairs, leaving Scott alone in the kitchen.

A tap at the holographic interface and the eldest brother was able to watch that tracker enter the elevator, climb up to the residential section and plant itself in Virgil’s room.

The house suddenly felt empty. Because it pretty much was.

Another tap, this time at his comms. “Johnny, you got a minute?”

-o-o-o-

Gordon had never been so bored in his life. Four walls, a window, a holoprojector with access to the entire world, his brothers at his fingertips, he had every comfort he could have in his situation.

But he was bored.

It had partly to do with the drugs in his system. Sure, there were less than there were before, but he had put his body through the wringer and it didn’t fail to remind him of it as often as possible.

He could hardly move, the bed beneath him shifting pressure points like some creepy jello monster. He had one arm to play with. Well, hell, it could be worse. There was always worse. But yeah, bored.

Penelope was a blessed ray of sunshine. Her smile lit up the room every time she entered it. He clung to her visits, though shy in expressing his appreciation. Grandma was a continual reassurance, her soft touch always welcome. None of her cooking had appeared as yet, thankfully, but her words, her touch, her Grandma-ness meant all it possibly could and he cherished it.

Alan was a firecracker set off in the room. Or at least he attempted to be. Even Gordon could see his little brother wasn’t handling this very well. He couldn’t blame him. If their positions had been reversed, Gordon had no idea how he could stand to see Alan lying in this bed like a broken doll. So yeah, it sucked big time.

Scott, of course, was the stoic, reassuring, worried-as-shit big brother. The man was burning candles at both ends. Gordon had yelled at him on his last visit. Hell, a brother wasn’t supposed to worry the invalid. The invalid had more ways than one of kicking said brother’s ass if he didn’t stop wearing himself thin.

John, looking almost as tired, had backed him up.

Gordon had then proceeded to chew out John, telling him to get his ass either to Tracy Island or TB5 and stop hopping between the two. Gravity sickness wasn’t to be trifled with. Even Gordon knew that.

So yeah, big brother bawl out session. Actually, felt good to let a little of that steam out in a worthwhile cause. A call to Eos, who to his surprise actually answered and was willing to conspire with him, and he was able to track both brothers.

Even more surprise when they actually did what he asked, both of them holing up on Tracy Island for the night.

That left Virgil.

Gordon was worried and just a touch hurt that his big brother hadn’t come to visit. Sure, he was little more than a comline away and answered almost every time Gordon hailed him, but he hadn’t visited.

And all he spoke about was Thunderbird Four.

Detailed summaries of progress, reassurance that his ‘bird would be ready when he got home, holographic images of the work that had been done.

Gordon appreciated it. God, he did. But as time wore on, his brother’s absence began to gnaw at him and appreciation turned to worry. What was going on? He had expected his usually sensitive brother to be the one marshalling the other three. Virgil was the one who sent Scott to bed when he over did it. Virgil was the one who cornered John over comlines and interrogated him on his sleep pattern. Virgil, in the absence of Gordon, would chase up Alan and check to make sure he was okay.

Virgil should be looking after Grandma.

That was what Virgil did.

Instead the man was rebuilding Gordon’s ‘bird and he hadn’t seen him.

Why?

What bee was under his big brother’s bonnet?

So, it was with some surprise that, waking from one of his many impromptu naps, he discovered that particular brother curled up in the chair beside his bed snoring.

It was the snoring that had woken Gordon up.

He stared for a full minute.

Virgil was facing him, his face slack against the back of the chair, eyes steeped in shadow. A snort of interrupted breathing and he frowned, shifting in the far too small chair. He looked so uncomfortable, Gordon had no idea how the man could possibly be asleep.

He reached out to touch his brother, but a hand came from behind him and gently drew his hand back. A stiff turn of his head revealed Scott, an equally deep frown creasing his brow. He mouthed the words ‘leave him’.

Gordon blinked and withdrew his hand. Scott sat back down, looking as tired as Gordon felt.

The aquanaut turned back to his sleeping brother, echoing Scott’s frown. Virgil was dressed in only his grey undershirt, his hair soft and falling into his eyes, but the most defining factor on his health was his paleness. Virgil was an active man and had a tan to prove it, but not so much now.

Whispered. “What’s wrong with him?”

Eyes, darting at his eldest brother, caught the worried shrug.

They couldn’t have been sitting next to Gordon very long, yet Virgil had fallen asleep.

“How are you feeling?” Scott’s voice was barely a whisper.

“Me? I’m fine. What the hell is wrong with him?” A gesture in his sleeping brother’s direction.

Scott’s gaze landed on Virgil and his expression grew sad. “Tired. Hasn’t stopped.”

“Why?”

Another shrug. “Coping mechanism?”

“But...Virgil?”

“Who knows, Gordon. I can’t say any of us are handling this very well.”

A swallow. “I noticed. Sorry.”

Scott’s shoulders slumped as he sighed and rubbed his face with a hand. “Not your fault, Gords.”

Gordon echoed his sigh. “What you going to do? Ban him from his workshop?”

“Thinking about it.” A slight smile. “Maybe lock him up with you.”

A half-hearted glare. “You trying to kill us both?”

The smile became a full-fledged grin. “I thought you said you missed him. That’s why I dragged his dopey ass all the way over here.”

The glare intensified. “Liar. This is big brother fully deployed and you know it.”

Scott’s lips twisted, the grin becoming more of a smirk, eyes dancing. “Call it my prerogative.” His brother stood up, stretching. “I’ll leave the two of you to it.” A nod in Virgil’s direction. “Let him sleep, he needs it. I’ll be back later.” A brush of finger tips across the back of Gordon’s injured hand and his brother strode to the door. A glance at Virgil, a smile at Gordon and he was gone.

Virgil snorted in his sleep again.

Gordon was left to watch the engineer drool on his own sleeve.

-o-o-o-

Waking up was a fifty-fifty situation. Fifty percent of the time it sucked and this rise and shine definitely fell onto that side of the scale.

He was cramped. All of him was cramped. What the hell? A groan and he attempted to unfold his body.

“Oooh, Virg, don’t break yourself.”

Gordon.

What?

He pushed his eyes open and was immediately blinded by sunlight on white walls. Ugh. There was a reason why he had blackout curtains in his room on the Island. A blink and a scrunched-up face and, augh, pain shot up his neck and bounced around his brain. What the hell was he doing sleeping in a chair?

“That’s right. Hold that position.” Something electronic beeped. “Woo, that’s a good one. Definitely saving that for the archives.”

What?

His brain was its usual slow self upon waking. It took several solid attempts to recall where he was and how he had gotten there.

Scott.

His shirt on fire.

Hot chocolate.

His room.

A shower.

Sleep.

Tracy Two.

The hospital.

Gordon asleep.

Waiting.

And now.

The conclusion was obvious. He had fallen asleep, too.

In the chair.

Ow.

“You gonna hold that face much longer, bro? I’m expecting a wind change at any moment.”

“Shut up, Gordon.” Now that came out raspier than an un-greased chainsaw.

“Ho, and hello to you, too, dear brother.”

He forced his eyes open, blinking at the light in the room. Gordon had a grin on his face brighter than the sun. His tablet was also in his hand.

Virgil eyed him. “What are you doing?”

“Enjoying some entertainment. Why?”

“What entertainment?”

“Did you know that that scar between your eyebrows has a following?”

“A what?”

Gordon’s grin was ready to split his face in half. “Oh, you were asleep just long enough for me to set up a social media account for Thunderscar Two the Triumphant. He already has over five thousand followers and has only been live for, oh, fifteen minutes.”

“What?”

Moving hurt like hell and Virgil groaned, but Gordon obliged by turning his tablet around to show a series of photos titled The Many Moods of Thunderscar Two. The photos consisted of various shots of Virgil’s eyebrows. There was even a short video of those eyebrows bouncing up and down...it was the most recent and the number of likes was still going up.

“Ooh, we just hit six thousand. Wow, I never knew you were that popular, Virg.” A laugh. “Hah, Vegetina wants to kiss your scar all better.” Gordon cackled. Maniacally. Like a villain from a B-grade movie.

“Gordon, what the hell?”

“Do that again.”

“What?”

That same electronic beep. “Niiice. They’ll love this one.” Gordon busied himself with his tablet. “Two does Dopey. Sleep is the enemy.” His brother was prodding his tablet. “Posted. Aaaah, they definitely love you, Virg.”

Virgil resisted the urge to rip the tablet from his brother’s hands. Exasperation or anger or not, the playing field was not level. He bit his lip instead. “You are not in a position to escape, Gordon. Are you sure you want to challenge me?”

“Challenge you? I should kick your ass.” And all the humour disappeared.

“What?” He appeared to be saying that a lot.

The tablet was dropped to the bed covers. “What have you been playing at, Virgil? I haven’t seen hide or hair of you since I’ve been here.”

Oh.

“Sorry. Busy.”

“Doesn’t cut it, Virg.” Gordon picked up the tablet again. Another electronic beep and his brother stabbed at the glass. “Scott’s the busiest of us all. Yet he’s been here nearly every day.”

The thought of the flight time his brother must be clocking up hurt somewhere deep in his gut.

“Sorry.”

“Virg, I don’t want you to say you’re sorry. I want to know what is wrong. This isn’t you.” He stabbed at the tablet again. “This, however, is bonafide Thunderscar. Look at that frown.” The tablet came up and yet another photo was gaining likes by the moment. Followers were clocking eight thousand and rising.

He ignored it. Couldn’t really do anything else. “Gordon, I don’t know. I am sorry.” He was still tired. “Just wanted to fix your ‘bird.”

“At the exclusion of everything else?”

Virgil shrugged. He hardly understood it himself. “Just wanted to help you.”

Gordon reached out with his good hand and grabbed at his fingers. Surprised, Virgil let him have them.

“You know you’ve thrown us all for a loop. You’re the steadfast one, Virg. The one everyone else leans on. You disappear and Scott falls on his face...and if you’ve seen his face lately it appears he’s been dragging it around on the ground. Now, John. Do you realise I had to yell at him the other day? That has always been your job, bro, but you haven’t been playing.” A bit lip and Virgil was confronted by a pair of unusually earnest russet brown eyes. “I’m going to be fine, Virg. I’ll be home soon, out of the reach of the local vampires, and I’ll need you to be you. Virgil the Rock, my big bro. Four can wait. I’m not going to need her for a while.”

And there it was, the heart of the matter. Something must have shown on his face, because Gordon yanked him closer to the bed. Virgil didn’t miss the wince that bounced across his brother’s face at the movement. Shit.

“Careful, Gords.” His hand landed on top of his brother’s, sandwiching it between his two.

“There you are.” It was quiet, whispered, and Gordon was still staring up at him. “That’s my big bro. The big softie who will be playing me the piano when I get home whether I like it or not.”

“You like it.” Virgil frowned at him.

Gordon smiled. “Yes, I do.”

-o-o-o-

His brother demanded he stay to keep him company and Virgil found himself holed up with a maniac with a camera and an obsession with his eyebrows. But they talked. Shared. Gordon fell asleep eventually and Virgil was left alone with the tablet, watching the followers count pass the one million mark. Twenty-five photos of his eyebrows, that scar in every single one.

He should be annoyed. He should be yelling. But instead he sat there listening to his brother’s soft breathing and stared at pictures of his own forehead.

Something had lifted.

His heart felt lighter.

He didn’t know what or why, but the how was sleeping beside him wrapped in bandages.

Gordon was a goofball. A loveable goofball. Seeing him hurt...

Virgil closed his eyes.

The door opened quietly and Scott peered into the room.

Placing the tablet on the bedside table, Virgil quietly walked over to his brother, nudging him gently back out and following him through. He closed the door silently behind him.

“Virg? You okay?”

Virgil didn’t answer him, not really sure what to say. Instead he grabbed his brother in a hug and buried his face on his shoulder.

Scott grunted as Virgil hit him with a little more enthusiasm than he had planned, but immediately wrapped his arms around him. “Hey.”

Virgil just held him tighter.

“He’s going to be okay.”

“I know.” Muffled.

“We’re going to be okay.”

“I know.”

Scott apparently ran out of words because for the next minute or so, neither of them said anything. Virgil just clung to his brother.

The foot traffic around them was ignored.

Eventually Virgil pulled away. He found he couldn’t look Scott in the eye. It wasn’t embarrassment, but it was.

“Virg?” Blue eyes seeking. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” He didn’t know where to put his hands.

Pressure on his shoulder, he looked up and was caught by that blue. “You hungry?”

And suddenly he was. A single nod. “What about Gordon?”

“Grandma and Alan will be here in a moment. Kayo and Penny will be by later. He’ll have company. We can come back later.” The hand on his shoulder slipped around to a one-armed hug. “C’mon, let’s get some nutrition into that stubborn ass of yours before Grandma gets hold of you. One look and you’re locked up with home remedies for a week.”

He couldn’t help, but smile a little, and, with a prod, fell into step with his big brother.

-o-o-o-

“You know, if I had known they would be this popular, I would have started this site years ago. We could be millionaires.”

Virgil didn’t even bother to look up at his little brother. Head first in Four’s thruster assembly, he stuck out a hand. “We’re billionaires, Gords. Hand me that wrench, please.”

“This one?”

“I can’t see what you’re holding up.”

A chunk of metal landed in his hand. It felt about right. Folding his arm proved it to be right. Jamming it around the stubborn bolt, he gave it a shove.

“I know we are, Virg. Can’t really miss it. But this would be for something special.”

“You’re talking about a series of photos of my eyebrows.”

“They are very popular eyebrows. That scar has been nominated for president.”

“Considering most politicians, my scar would probably be just as effective.” An electronic beep. “If you start putting pictures of my butt online, the Gordon Tracy Hall of Embarrassment will go live immediately.”

“Hah, what have you got on me that could possibly outrank anything I have on you.”

Virgil didn’t say a thing. He simply straightened, yanked his phone out of his back pocket, searched a moment and, with a smirk, held it up for Gordon to see.

It was most satisfactory to see his brother’s eyes widen in shock. “You wouldn’t.”

“One picture of my butt and the world discovers this.”

“Okay, okay, I get the message.” An electronic beep. “And Thunderscar is triumphant!”

Virgil rolled his eyes. “All monetary gain goes to charity.”

“Already set up. You are rehabilitating the Supreme Barrier Reef as we speak.”

He stared at his tablet absorbed brother. Perched in his hoverchair, the man was still pale, still wrapped in plaster and bandages. Virgil would have to see him back to his room shortly as his stamina just wasn’t there yet, but he had to admit, to have him home and safe and...here...

“Good to have you here, Gords.”

Gordon looked up at him and grinned. “Great to be here in the presence of Thunderscar the Magnificent.”

Another eyeroll. “I thought he was ‘The Triumphant’.”

“Only when I let him.”

“Oh, really.”

“Yes, really.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re always welcome.”

“Well, hand me that screwdriver so I can finish this off and send her for coating tomorrow.”

Gordon grabbed the tool and handed it to him. “Painting?”

“Yep, which pink would you prefer?”

“Virgil.”

“Yes?”

A pause. “Love you, bro.”

Virgil blinked and turned back to find his brother eyeing him.

A small smile. “Love you, too.” A shrug. “But she’s still gonna be pink.”

The sound of Gordon’s laughter meant more to him than he could express.

-o-o-o-

FIN.

#tagspoilers #tag spoilers #thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #virgil tracy #gordon tracy #scott tracy #episode tag

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yesbiffwritesthings · 6 years ago

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“don’t get your hopes up too high”: An Exhaustively Curated 2018 Playlist

So, since time immemorial I have been putting together year-end playlists and for a long time they were pretty sloppy affairs overall. Last year, I decided to make up some kind of formula for putting these playlists together. Basically what it comes down to is, from every new album I listen to, released in the given year, I pick one song. No repeating artists because that gets to be too much (although featured acts aren’t subject to this rule). When deciding what releases are going to get my attention, aside from my own personal tastes (skews toward alt. rock and punk a lot of the time) and releases from longtime favorites (this year we saw releases from Metric, and Animal Collective, as well as a long-awaited A Perfect Circle album, and even a Spotify single from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs), I try to get give more of my time to queer artists (and this year there were TONS of queer acts releasing great music--Adult Mom, Laura Jane Grace & the Devouring Mothers, Janelle Monae, Snail Mail, SOPHIE, etc. etc. etc. hallelujah). I also try to make an effort broaden my musical worldview by making time for artists that operate within genres I don’t always naturally gravitate towards. This was a great year to get back into hip-hop (Rico Nasty, Cardi B, Tierra Whack, Black Panther OST) after not really vibing with some of the directions it has taken in the past ten or so years. I have also tried to include a track by every band I saw in 2018, providing they actually released something in 2018 and it is available on Spotify (strong apologies to Partner, Bully, Shellshagg, Kimya Dawson, Rozwell Kid, Los Campesinos, the incomparable Liz Phair, and the legendary Fleetwood Mac--y’all didn’t release anything this year). I give myself until the end of January of the following year to finalize my expansive, year-end playlist, and here we are. This years playlist is over 15 hours long--almost long enough to put on while you’re doing all that laundry you've been putting off. I hope you enjoy.

Full list of songs:

The 1975 - “Love it if We Made it”, from A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships

Ab-Soul - “Bloody Waters” [ft. Anderson .Paak], from _Black Panther _OST Adult Mom - “Drive Me Home”, from Soft Spots Amanda Palmer - “Mr. Weinstein Will See You Now” [ft. Jasmine Power], from “Mr. Weinstein Will See You Now” single Amen Dunes - “Miki Dora”, from Freedom American Pleasure Club - “New Years Eve”, from A Whole Fucking Lifetime of This Animal Collective - “Jake & Me”, from Tangerine Reef Anna Burch - “Quit the Curse”, from Quit the Curse Anna Calvi - “Don’t Beat the Girl Out of My Boy”, from Hunter Antarctigo Vespucci - “Not Yours”, from Love in the Time of E-Mail Arctic Monkeys - “Four Out of Five”, from Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino Ariana Grande - “No Tears Left to Cry”, from Sweetener Ava Luna - “Centerline”, from Moon 2

The Bascinets - “Jangle Bee”, from 378 Vol. 1 EP Bat Fangs - “Bad Astrology”, from Bad Astrology Beach House - “Last Ride”, from 7 Bear Hands - “Back Seat Driver”, from “Back Seat Driver” single Bettye LaVette - “What Was it You Wanted” [ft. Trombone Shorty], [Bob Dylan cover], from Things Have Changed Big Freedia - “Karaoke” [ft. Lizzo], from 3rd Ward Bounce Billie Eilish - “When the Party’s Over”, from “When the Party’s Over” single Black Belt Eagle Scout - “Soft Stud”, from Mother of My Children Bleachers - “Alfie’s Song (Not So Typical Love Song)”, from Love, Simon OST Blood Orange - “Charcoal Baby”, from Negro Swan Bob Dylan - “He’s Funny That Way” [Gene Austin cover], from Universal Love: Wedding Songs Reimagined Booji Boys - “Locked (Barely Open)”, from Unknown Pleathers EP Boygenius - “Bite the Hand”, from Boygenius EP Brandi Carlile - “Every Time I Hear That Song”, from By the Way, I Forgive You The Breeders - “Walking With a Killer”, from All Nerve Bristletongue - “Thistle Among Roses”, from Femme Florale EP Brockhampton - “Thug Life”, from Iridescence

Camp Cope - “The Opener”, from How to Socialise & Make Friends Cardi B - “Ring” [ft. Kehlani], from Invasion of Privacy Caroline Rose - “Bikini”, from Loner Caroline Says - “Cool Jerk”, from No Fool Like an Old Fool The Carters - “Apeshit”, from Everything is Love Cat Power - “Wanderer”, from Wanderer Celine Dion - “Ashes”, from Deadpool 2 OST Chai - “Fried”, from Pink Chance the Rapper - “My Own Thing” [ft. Big Purp], from “My Own Thing” single Childish Gambino - “This is America”, from “This is America” single Christine & the Queens - “Girlfriend” [ft. Dâm-Funk], from Chris Chvrches - “Get Out”, from Love is Dead Closer - “This Year”, from All This Will Be Cloud Nothings - “So Right, So Clean”, from Last Building Burning Company of Thieves - “Window”, from Better Together EP Comrade Question - “Never Change”, from Four Seasons Con Connections - “Low, Low, Low”, from Foreign Affairs Control Top - “Type A”, from “Type A” single Courtney Barnett - “Charity”, from Tell Me How You Really Feel Cupcakke - “Total”, from Ephorize

Damn the Witch Siren - “I Don’t Want to Say I’m Sorry”, from Red Magic Daphne & Celeste - “You & I Alone”, from Daphne & Celeste Save the World Dashboard Confessional - “We Fight”, from Crooked Shadows David Byrne - “Everybody’s Coming to My House”, from American Utopia Death Cab For Cutie - “Gold Rush”, from Thank You For Today The Decemberists - “I’ll Be Your Girl”, from I’ll Be Your Girl” A Delicate Motor - “Do For Self”, from Fellover My Own didi - “Haru”, from Like Memory Foam Dilly Dally - “Bad Biology”, from Heaven Dirty Projectors - “I Found it in U”, from Lamp Lit Prose Django Django - “Beam Me Up, from Marble Skies Downtown Boys - “Fotos y Recuerdos” [Selena cover], from “Fotos y Recuerdos” single Drake - “In My Feelings”, from Scorpion Dream Wife - “Spend the Night”, from Dream Wife DRAM - “WWYD?”, from That’s a Girl’s Name EP Drinks - “Pink Or Die”, from Hippo Lite

El Perro Del Mar - “We Are History”, from We Are History EP EMA - “Dark Shadows”, from Outtakes From Exile EP Empath - “The Eye”, from Liberating Guilt & Fear EP Empress Of - “Love For Me”, from Us Ezra Furman - "Suck the Blood From My Wound", from Transangelic Exodus

Father John Misty - "Disappointing Diamonds Are the Rarest of Them All", from God's Favorite Customer Fatoumata Diawara - "Nterini", from Fenfo (Something to Say) Fields & Planes - "Alice", from Press First Aid Kit - "It's a Shame", from Ruins Fischerspooner - "Discreet", from Sir Flasher - "Business Unusual", from Constant Image Florence & the Machine - "Hunger", from High As Hope Frank Ocean - "Moon River" [Audrey Hepburn cover], from "Moon River" single Franz Ferdinand - "The Academy Award", from Always Ascending The Frights - "Over It", from Hypochondriac Fucked Up - "Tell Me What You See", from Dose Your Dreams

Gabby's World - "Winter, Withdraw", from Beast On Beast Gerard Way - "Baby You're a Haunted House", from "Baby You're a Haunted House" single Gia Margaret - "Smoke", from There's Always Glimmer Girlpool - "Picturesong", from "Picturesong" single The Go! Team - "The Answer's No--Now What's the Question?", from Semicircle Goodbye Honolulu - "Lorry Can't Love", from More Honey Goat Girl - "The Man With No Heart Or Brain", from Goat Girl Greta Van Fleet - "When the Curtain Falls", from Anthem of the Peaceful Army Gymshorts - "Ding Dong Ditch", from Knock Knock

H.E.R. - "Lord is Coming", from I Used to Know Her: Part Two EP harunemuri **- "sekaiwotorikaeshiteokure", from harutosyura Hatchie - "Sure", from Sugar & Spice EP Hinds - "To the Morning Light", from I Don't Run The HIRS Collective - "Not For You" [Moor Mother remix], from Friends, Lovers, Favorites Hop Along - "Not Abel", from Bark Your Head Off, Dog Hovvdy - "Late", from Cranberry Hozier - "Nina Cried Power" [ft. Mavis Staples], from Nina Cried Power EP

Iceage - "Take it All", from Beyondless Idles - "Smaritans", from Joy As an Act of Rebellion Illuminati Hotties - "The Rules", from Kiss Yr Frenemies Interpol - "If You Really Love Nothing", from Marauder The Interrupters - "Gave You Everything", from Fight the Good Fight Iron & Wine - "Milkweed", from Weed Garden EP

Jack White - "Over & Over & Over", from Boarding House Reach Janelle Monae - "Pynk" [ft. Grimes], from Dirty Computer Japanese Breakfast - "Dreams" [The Cranberries cover], from Spotify Singles Jay Rock - "Redemption" [ft. SZA], from Redemption Jeff Rosenstock - "Let Them Win", from POST- Jenn Champion - "O.M.G. (I'm All Over It)", from Single Rider Jenny Hval - "Spells", from The Long Sleep EP Jorja Smith - "I Am", from Black Panther OST Joyce Manor - "Fighting Kangaroo", from Million Dollars to Kill Me Juice WRLD - "Lucid Dreams", from Goodbye & Good Riddance Julia Holter - "Turn the Light On", from Aviary Juliana Hatfield - "A Little More Love" [Olivia Newton-John cover], from Juliana Hatfield Sings Olivia Newton-John Jupiter & Okwess - "Ekombe", from Kin Sonic

Kacey Musgraves - "Space Cowboy", from Golden Hour Karen O - "YO! MY SAINT" [ft. Michael Kiwanuka], from "YO! MY SAINT" single Kendrick Lamar - "All the Stars" [ft SZA], from Black Panther OST Kero Kero Bonito - "Time Today", from Time 'n' Place Kesha - "I Need a Woman to Love" [Janis Joplin cover], from Universal Love: Wedding Songs Reimagined Khalid - "Love Lies" [ft. Normani], from Love, Simon OST King Princess - "Pussy is God", from "Pussy is God" single Kimbra - "Right Direction", from Primal Heart Kississippi **- "Adrift", from Sunset Blush Krimewatch - "The Big Picture", from Krimewatch Kurt Vile - "Check Baby", from Bottle it In

Lala Lala - "I Get Cut", from The Lamb Laura Jane Grace & the Devouring Mothers - "Reality Bites", from Bought to Rot Laura Stevenson - "Maker of Things", from "The Mystic & the Master" single Lauren Ruth Ward - "Well, Hell", from Well, Hell Leikeli47 - "Top Down", from Acrylic Leon Bridges - "Bet Ain't Worth the Hand", from Good Thing Loma - "Relay Runner", from Loma Long Neck - "Elizabeth", from Will This Do? Lord Huron - "Wait By the River", from Vide Noir Low - "Rome (Always in the Dark)", from Double Negative Lowpines - "Parasite", from In Silver Halides Lucius - "Woman", from Nudes Lucy Dacus - "Timefighter", from Historian Lykke Li - “Jaguars in the Air”, from So Sad, So Sexy

The Men - "Come to Me", from Drift Meshell Ndegeocello - "Smooth Operator" [Sade cover], from Ventriloquism Metric - "Dressed to Suppress", from Art of Doubt MGMT - "One Thing Left to Try", from Little Dark Age Middle Kids - "Edge of Town", from Lost Friends Mister Moon - "Plastic", from Codes EP Mitski - "Nobody", from Be the Cowboy Mountain Man - "AGT", from Magic Ship Mourn - "Candle Man", from Sorpresa Familia Muncie Girls - "Jeremy", from Fixed Ideals Mungbean - "Wednesday", from "Wednesday/Aimed at You" single

Natalie Prass - "The Fire", from The Future & The Past Neko Case - "Gumball Blue", from Hell-On Night Flowers - "Head On", from Wild Notion Noble Vices - "Wheelhouses", from "Wheelhouses" single Noname - “With You", from Room 25 Nothing - "Us/We/Are", from Dance On the Blacktop Now, Now - "Window", from Saved

Ohmme - "Icon", from Parts The Ophelias - "Lover's Creep", from Almost Ought - "Disgraced in America", from Room Inside the World Ovlov - "Stick", from TRU

Palm - "Swimmer", from Rock Island Parquet Courts - "Normalisation", from Wide Awake! Peach Kelli Pop - "Parasomnia", from Gentle Leader Peggy Gou - "It Makes You Forget (Itgehane)" [edit], from "It Makes You Forget (Itgehane)" single A Perfect Circle - "So Long & Thanks For All the Fish", from Eat the Elephant Petal - "Stardust", from Magic Gone Phoebe Bridgers - "Friday I'm in Love" [The Cure cover], from Spotify Singles Pinky Pinky - "Robber", from Hot Tears Poppy - "Play Destroy" [ft. Grimes], from Am I a Girl? Preoccupations - "Espionage", from New Material Princess Chelsea - "I Love My Boyfriend", from The Loneliest Girl Protomartyr - "Wheel of Fortune" [ft. Kelley Deal], from Consolation EP

Q-Tip and Demi Lovato - "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" [Elton John cover], from Revamp

Radattack - "Rock & Roll Party Queen", from "Rock & Roll Party Queen" single Rainbow Kitten Surprise - "Hide", from How to: Friend, Love, Freefall Remember Sports - "Making it Right", from Slow Buzz Rico Nasty - "Oreo", from Nasty Robert Delong - "Favorite Color is Blue" [ft. K-Flay], from See You in the Future EP Robyn - "Missing U", from Honey Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - "Exclusive Grave", from Hope Downs Ron Gallo - "Really Nice Guys", from Really Nice Guys EP Rosalia - "Di Mi Nombre", from El Mal Querer Saintseneca - ” Good Hand", from Pillar of Na Say Lou Lou - "All Love to Me", from Immortelle Screaming Females - "Deeply", from All at Once Shame - "Concrete", from Songs of Praise Shannon & the Clams - "The Boy", from Onion Shannon Shaw - "Golden Frames", from Shannon in Nashville Shilpa Ray - "Shoot This Dying Horse", from Nihilism The Sidekicks - "Twin's Twist", from Happiness Hours SiR - "Summer in November", from November Skating Polly - "Free Will at Ease", from The Make it All Show Sleep - "Marijuanaut's Theme", from The Sciences Slothrust - "For Robin", from The Pact Smashing Pumpkins - "Silver Sometimes (Ghosts)", from Shiny & Oh So Bright, Vol. 1: No Past, No Future, No Sun Snail Mail - "Pristine", from Lush Snarls - "Lonely", from Snarls EP SOB X RBE - "Paramedic!", from Black Panther OST Soccer Mommy - "Cool", from Clean SOPHIE - "Immaterial", from Oil of Every Pearl's Un-Insides Souther - "Enough", from Blume EP Spiritualized - "On the Sunshine", from And Nothing Hurt SSION - "1980-99" [ft. Patty Schemel and Sky Ferreira], from O St. Vincent - "Los Ageless" [piano version], from Mass Education Stef Chura - "Degrees", from "Degrees/Sour Honey" single Sunflower Bean - "Burn It", from Twentytwo in Blue Superchunk - "Erasure" [ft. Stephin Merritt and Waxahatchee], from What a Time to Be Alive Superorganism - "Night Time", from Superorganism Swearin' - "Big Change", from Fall Into the Sun

Tanya Tagaq - "Run to the Hills" [ft. Damian Abraham] [Iron Maiden cover], from "Run to the Hills" single Tanlines - "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", from Presents EP Teenage Wrist - "Dweeb", from Chrome Neon Jesus They Might Be Giants - "Let's Get This Over With", from I Like Fun Third Eye Blind - "In the Fade" [Queens of the Stone Age cover], from Thanks For Everything EP Thumpers - "Tenor", from Life All In EP Tierra Whack - "Fuck Off", from Whack World Titus Andronicus - "Above the Bodega (Local Business)", from A Productive Cough Tom Misch - "Isn't She Lovely" [Stevie Wonder cover], from Geography Tomberlin - "You Are Here", from At Weddings Toto - "Hash Pipe" [Weezer cover], from "Hash Pipe" single Tracyanne & Danny - "It Can't Be Love Unless it Hurts", from Tracyanne & Danny TT - "Take One", from LoveLaws tune-yards - "Colonizer", from i can feel you creep into my private life Turtlenecked - "Knocked Down By Another Ghost", from High Scores of the Heart TV Girl - "King of Echo Park", from Death of a Party Girl Twin Shadow - "Saturdays" [ft. Haim], from Caer

U.S. Girls - "Rage of Plastics", from In a Poem Unlimited Ultra Beauty - "Pegasuss", from Ultra Beauty EP Unknown Mortal Orchestra - "Hunnybee", from Sex & Food

Vacation - "Action Road", from Mouth Sounds #2699 The Vaccines - "Surfing in the Sky", from Combat Sports Valerie June - "Mad About the Girl", from Universal Love: Wedding Songs Reimagined

Waxahatchee - "Takes So Much", from Great Thunder EP Weaves - "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)", from "Neighborhood #3 (Power Out)" single The Weeknd - "Wasted Times", from My Dear Melancholy EP Weezer - "Africa" [Toto cover], from "Africa" single Westerman - "Albatross", from Ark EP Wished Bone - "Ohio", from Cellar Belly The Wombats - "Dip You in Honey", from Beautiful People Will Ruin Your Life Wussy - "Cake", from What Heaven is Like Wye Oak - "I Know It's Real", from The Louder I Call the Faster it Runs

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - "Thirteen" [Big Star cover], from Spotify Singles Young Fathers - "Fee Fi", from Cocoa Sugar Young Guv - "Ain't Fallin' in Luv Again", from 2 Sad 2 Funk Yowler - "WTFK", from Black Dog in My Path Yungblud - "I Love You, Will You Marry Me", from 21st Century Liability

https://open.spotify.com/user/barfwalker/playlist/7mCLnG6CZG1yB4q8uhzcys?si=Ip-Lka-0TOWCWRLMXGZ26w

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asflowersfade · 7 years ago

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Ficlet: Rather Banged Up

A what-if set in MacGyver’s ep 103. Mac and broken ribs. That’s all. Jack’s POV.

After they hand Ralph over to the Exfil, they head back to the airport, to where their jet’s waiting, just a bunch of bored, filthy rich Americans on their way home from their exotic vacation. Nothing to see here.

But Jack sees. He sees the way Mac’s holding himself, the way he gingerly climbs the steps, the way he even more carefully lowers himself down onto the couch, fisting his hands into the leather so hard his knuckles turn white, breath quick and shallow.

“Alright, hoss, spill,” Jack says as Riley curls up in her seat with her laptop and the door of the plane slides shut and seals with a soft hiss. He remains standing over Mac with his hands on his hips and an accusing frown on his face.

Mac lifts his head and the innocent look he gives Jack would be far more convincing if his face weren’t slick with sweat. “What?” he croaks out.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jack insists. “My grandpa had more spring in his step a week before his trip to the Great Unknown. You look like you might shatter if I poked you.” Then he lifts his eyebrows. “Shall I poke you and see?”

“No!” Mac blurts out, then hisses, squeezing his eyes shut.

That finally grabs Riley’s attention, too. “Mac?” she asks, looking up from her laptop to frown at him uncertainly.

Mac takes a slow breath and then, with a sigh, he succumbs. “I might have, uh, a broken rib or two,” he admits reluctantly.

“Where?” Jack asks, and when Mac touches the lower right side of his ribcage, Jack drops into a crouch in front of him and gestures. “Show me.”

Together, they carefully manage to pull Mac’s shirt up - and seeing the damage, Riley hisses sharply. The right side of Mac’s ribcage is already turning purple, the bruise spreading from one particular spot, and when Jack runs his fingers over it, as gently as he can manage and still do the job and check, Mac flinches and whines, unable to stifle the sound of pain.

“Sorry, sorry,” Jack murmurs softly. “Yeah, it’s broken alright. At least one rib.” Sighing again, he rubs his forehead. “And you’re an idiot. Why didn’t you tell me before? Exfil could’ve taken you home together with Ralph. This needs looking at and our jet’s a fast bird, sure, but it’ll still take hours for us to get back to LA.”

“Like Thornton said, D77 has its people within the government here,” Mac points out, dropping his shirt, still holding himself gingerly. “After the ruckus we caused, if you showed up here, at the airport, one member short, that wouldn’t be suspicious at all, right?” Sarcasm’s literally dripping from his voice.

Jack smacks him on the knee lightly. “Don’t be a smartass. When did it actually happen?” he asks then because he honestly can’t remember, looking back.

“At the warehouse,” Mac replies truthfully. “While I was getting Ralph out. I got jumped.”

“And you didn’t call for help why?” Jack snaps, his voice climbing with annoyance.

Mac glares at him. “I did. But you were kind of busy, remember? Giant guy? Wouldn’t stay down?” he reminds Jack pointedly.

Oh, right. That.

“Besides,” Mac continues. “I handled it.”

“Sure,” Jack mutters.

Well, nothing to do about that now, he guesses. They were lucky to get in and out alive and with Ralph to revive him, too, he knows, and if Mac’s broken ribs are the only injury they suffered among the three of them, then it was a good day’s work. Still, it’s Jack’s job to make sure Mac doesn’t get hurt, that’s the whole point of being his bodyguard.

“Okay,” Jack says, and getting up, he turns to Riley. “Riley, could you bring me an ice pack and painkillers from the first aid kit? You know where it is.”

She nods, then she sets her laptop aside and scrambles to her feet to get it.

Then Jack pulls out a couple of pillows from the overhead compartment and fluffs them up before dropping them on the couch. “Up you go,” he tells Mac, crouching back down to rid Mac of his shoes, before helping him turn sideways on the couch. He lifts Mac’s legs up onto the couch, then he takes him by the shoulders and helps him lie down slowly. It’s a testimony to how much the ribs must be hurting Mac that he allows this treatment without a single complaint.

“Alright?” Jack asks when Mac settles down.

Mac just nods, eyes squeezed shut.

Then Riley’s back with the painkillers, an ice pack and a bottle of water. Jack accepts them with a nod and helps Mac swallow a couple of the large white pills. “If you need more, do tell me, please?” he says in an exasperated tone of voice. Because he’s known the kid for years and he knows that Mac could be bleeding out and still insist on being just fine.

With a pale smile, Mac nods.

“Okay, this will sting,” Jack warns before he lifts Mac shirt and gently presses the ice pack to the bruised area. He winces when Mac groans and instinctively tries to twist away before catching himself and holding still. “Give it a moment.”

It’s not a moment, actually, it takes quite a while before Mac relaxes a little as the pain medication and the ice pack take effect. “Thanks,” he mumbles, eyes closed and already nodding off.

No wonder, Jack thinks, knowing from his own experience just how potent these pills are. He hopes they knock Mac out for the duration of the flight.

When the captain lets them know that they’re about to take off, Jack covers Mac with a blanket and then he drops down into the seat opposite Riley, who’s back on her laptop, typing away. She lifts her head and glances in Mac’s direction, then back at Jack.

“Will he be okay?” she asks, a little worried.

Fastening his seatbelt, Jack nods. “Yeah. Unfortunately, this is not the first time one of us returns home from a mission banged up.” He looks at Mac and smiles fondly. “It’ll hurt like hell for a while but he’ll be just fine.”

And then the plane starts rolling down the runway and as it shakes and rattles, speeding up, Jack’s glad that Mac’s already fast asleep, not feeling a thing.

Damn fool!

#macgyver #angus macgyver #jack dalton #riley davis #thehemingwaygoldfish #my fics #my macgyver fics

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staircasttext · 3 years ago

Text

Ep 12 Transcript: Jet Ski Romeo

Episode 12

[intro music]

PAZ: Um, we have to do this intro. It's been a second, um. Hi, everyone, welcome back to Stairway to StarClan. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: And I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we're back from our hiatus. Yay. I hope everyone's been on the edge of their seat for this drama. Yeah, I don't know. We took a little break, but we are back. And I started a new job, so sorry if my energy levels are low.

LIZ: We're all stronger than before.

PAZ: Are we?

JULIAN: We are.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: Oh yeah.

LIZ: I think we've all been-- we've been juiced. Some of us are recovering from things.

JULIAN: I got a rib out.

LIZ: And have mended stronger. Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, that is very powerful of you.

JULIAN: StarClan took my rib.

PAZ: Oh no. Is this like, Warrior Cats Adam and Eve? Fireheart has become Catholic again.

LIZ: From this rib we'll make a cat.

PAZ: Damn. That's the true ending.

LIZ: I think if they take a bone, they should give you one back.

JULIAN: I-- [sighs] I asked if I could keep it, but they don't take it out all at once. They only take it in little chunks, so they would not give me it.

LIZ: Boo.

PAZ: If you could have a new bone, where would it be?

JULIAN: Very easy. I would give myself horns.

PAZ: Oh fuck yeah.

LIZ: Oh yeah.

JULIAN: What about y'all?

LIZ: Hmm.

PAZ: Um, I want some backup knees.

JULIAN: By backup knees, do you mean like for when your knees fail, or like, you want the knees that go backwards like on...

PAZ: No, no, I have like a failsafe.

LIZ: So does it like come out? Or do you just want it like in a box so you can put it in like a battery?

PAZ: You know, whichever works. I guess--

JULIAN: Just like an Nendroid figure. You just snap it in.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly. How about you, Liz?

LIZ: Um, you know, I want an extra rib.

JULIAN: There you go.

PAZ: For what?

LIZ: Because if I've got to take one out, then I'll just have like an even set after that.

JULIAN: Oh, there you go.

PAZ: Like kidneys.

JULIAN: Would it be a extra rib down near your stomach or near your neck?

LIZ: You know, let's mix it up. Let's put it near the neck. Yeah, I don't know. That could be a fun little shelf or something.

JULIAN: Three Collarbones Liz.

PAZ: Gee, Liz, how come you get three collarbones.

LIZ: You know why.

PAZ: Yeah, cause of your extra rib. Okay, that discussion is completely unrelated to Warrior Cats. But now you know.

LIZ: Wait till chapter 19. Fireheart gets another rib.

PAZ: It's because he's vaccinated.

LIZ: Kittypets do not get rabies, will not get certain illnesses, and they--

JULIAN: It's equivalent exchange for his balls.

LIZ: Yeah, they're like well, you can have fun with this.

PAZ: Okay, well, I can do these chapter summaries now, I guess. In case anyone forgot, like us, we read chapters 15 through 18.

[engine rumbles]

That was a loud car. Okay. So just as a reminder, I think chapter 14 ended with Fireheart trying to go find Silverstream to be like, stop. So chapter 15 opens with Fireheart looking for Silverstream in RiverClan territory. Silverstream finds him first before the other RiverClan warriors and tries to warn him off, assuring him she wouldn't reveal him. Fireheart is skeptic, even when Silverstream says she can keep him safe because she is a clan leader's daughter. When Fireheart says her and Graystripe's relationship only makes situation worse for the tension between their clans, she says she can't stop seeing him because she loves him.

Fireheart isn't very impressed by that, though he does feel some sympathy when she confesses that Twolegs are encroaching on their territory and RiverClan is going hungry. He realizes that Graystripe must also know this and feels guilty because he himself also feels torn between two places: ThunderClan and his kittypet sister Princess. Fireheart still says that Silverstream and Graystripe have to stop seeing each other for the sake of their clans. He leaves without saying anything else.

When he returns to camp, it's revealed that much of ThunderClan has been getting sicker and that Yellowfang is too busy helping everyone to go hunting. He brings her some food and encourages some kits to take their medicine. And then Yellowfang tells him that Bluestar has a bad case of whitecough. Both she and Fireheart are worried, and he wonders if she already knows that Bluestar only has two lives left.

In chapter 16, Fireheart stays around camp to keep watch on Bluestar while Tigerclaw is away. Yellowfang reveals that Bluestar has greencough and asks Fireheart to find her some catnip from the Twolegplace. Dustpaw returns, saying that Tigerclaw wants to see Bluestar, but Fireheart refuses on her behalf. Dustpaw says that Tigerclaw wants to show her some evidence of ShadowClan warriors hunting in their territory. Fireheart goes to get the catnip, and Cinderpaw volunteers to go see Tigerclaw, but he says it's too dangerous for her.

Fireheart gets the catnip, feeling conflicted for a moment as it's close to where he grew up as a kittypet. When he returns, he noticed that Cinderpaw has left anyway and that Graystripe is also missing. As he runs to look for her, he hears the same cry he heard in his dream. He sees Tigerclaw in the distance where he wanted to meet Bluestar and tries to call out to him. Then Fireheart hears a monster on the Thunderpath and finally sees Cinderpaw's body lying besides it.

Chapter 17, Cinderpaw is still alive but badly injured, and Tigerclaw carries her back to camp. Fireheart is wracked with guilt as they both realize he couldn't train her well enough to make her stay home. Yellowfang sees to Cinderpaw and tells Fireheart that Bluestar wants to see him. Bluestar reveals she has lost another life, which Fireheart already suspected.

Fireheart has a small standoff with Tigerclaw, who asks how Bluestar is doing. He shrugs him off, not wanting to reveal anything, and goes to see Cinderpaw and Yellowfang. Fireheart asks how Cinderpaw is, and Yellowfang tells him she'll never be a warrior now, even if she lives. Firepaw is even more despondent and asks Yellowfang-- Fireheart. Firepaw. Fireheart is even more despondent, and Yellowfang tells him to get some rest. When he asks if Yellowfang already knew about Bluestar's life, she says yes, and that the clan will not be able to tell.

Graystripe is back in the den and angrily accuses Fireheart of trying to warn Silverstream away from him. He tells Fireheart to mind his own business, and Fireheart doesn't reply. He is angry himself because Graystripe wasn't around to help with Cinderpaw, and goes to sleep.

And then in chapter 18, it starts out snowing, and Fireheart falls in a whole lot of snow. Liz wrote these summaries, so this is their inclusion. "Loser." Graystripe has found out about Bluestar losing another life. And Fireheart says he already knew because he was with her. When Graystripe asks why he didn't tell him, Fireheart replies angrily about Graystripe's own mood last night. Graystripe is uncomfortable and says he's sorry about Cinderpaw.

Speckletail reveals that the nursery has greencough. Fireheart is worried about the kits and feels frustrated at all the danger and loss the clan is experiencing. He goes to get more catnip for Yellowfang from around his old home and feels lots of nostalgia and sadness. Then he goes to see Princess, who's had her kittens. Fireheart tells her everything about what has happened lately, including the news about Cinderpaw and his suspicions about Tigerclaw wanting to hurt Bluestar. After more talking, she tells him to take care of himself and that she doesn't want to lose him. Fireheart promises she won't.

When Fireheart returns, Tigerclaw asks him where Graystripe has been going and he doesn't tell him. Tigerclaw says that Graystripe is to be confined to the fallen oak because of his sickness. Fireheart goes to see Cinderpaw, who is still unconscious. He apologizes to her mother, Frostfur, on the way out. But Frostfur says she doesn't blame him. Fireheart has another fraught conversation with Graystripe about Silverstream, is angry that he doesn't even ask about Cinderpaw, and then thinks about his sister and how much he wants to see her too. And that's the end of our readings.

JULIAN: Lot happening in these chapters.

LIZ: For sure.

PAZ: Yeah, it's a lot of like, interpersonal drama. And then also everyone's dying, I guess.

JULIAN: Yeah, everyone's dying. Fireheart is going through it.

PAZ: Graystripe continues to be the worst friend in the world.

LIZ: What happened to him?

PAZ: He became heterosexual.

LIZ: Ugh, that's even worse than greencough.

PAZ: Yeah, okay. Did Graystripe like indirectly murder Bluestar? Cause he's the one who got sick first.

JULIAN: Fuckin Greencough Graystripe, out here. Vector of disease.

PAZ: God, Greencough Graystripe.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Yeah, Graystripe has committed like, involuntary manslaughter twice now.

JULIAN: He's also endangered all the kits.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: I think he also got over his first one pretty fast just given all things.

PAZ: Oh, like his first manslaughter? Yeah.

LIZ: Yeah, and we're on his second one.

PAZ: He drowned his sadness in his secret romance. It's fine.

JULIAN: God. And then he wants to talk about it after his friend has just seen his apprentice get horribly injured. And it's like no one cares about your teen romance.

PAZ: Right? Graystripe is like in a different book with different stakes here.

LIZ: Graystripe is in like, a YA novel.

PAZ: This is a YA novel.

LIZ: Yeah but like--

JULIAN: Graystripe is in West Side Story and then everyone else is in Game of Thrones.

PAZ: Yes. Should have seen this coming when he was like, actually, I don't care about Tigerclaw being a murderer. Don't involve me, like at the beginning of this book.

JULIAN: Ugh. Graystripe. I don't know why, like as a kid, I was like, No. Graystripe is right. This is romantic. Like it's not. Fuck off.

PAZ: Yeah. I have to agree with the Graystripe haters right now. He's really-- he's not redeeming himself in my eyes.

JULIAN: Even when he like, tries to make nice, I just have a little note that says "too late, you asshole."

PAZ: He barely even tries. He like-- he doesn't like change what he's doing.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: And I don't think he goes to see Cinderpaw either or anything like that. Um, nor is he helping around the camp while everyone's dying.

JULIAN: Yeah, and you would expect him to because like, he helped train Cinderpaw. They were training the apprentices together.

PAZ: Yeah. And his poor actual apprentice Brackenpaw just seems to have just no mentor anymore. Like he was out training with like, Whitestorm or something. Everyone's just like, yeah, Graystripe's not gonna do it.

JULIAN: They're so short on warriors that fucking Cinderpaw ran off to the Thunderpath, because Graystripe was off canoodling.

PAZ: Yeah, right. If there had been like another adult around to watch her, maybe that wouldn't have happened.

LIZ: [sighs]

PAZ: It's all Graystripe's fault. Domino effect.

JULIAN: Everything comes back to him.

LIZ: This is not a Graystripe respect zone.

PAZ: No. Sorry if there's any Graystripe fans out there.

LIZ: Yeah, I thought like when he showed up again, it would be like another escalation of like, incredible conflict happening. Like maybe he went to see Silverstream and like other stuff is also going on in RiverClan. But I think it was just a regular degular meeting for him, like a date. And he just got back and like everything's going to shit.

JULIAN: Yeah. Imagine you come back from like dinner and a movie, and like, your leader has died. A kid got hit by a car.

PAZ: The newborns are like, gravely ill.

JULIAN: Do you think he realizes it's his fault?

PAZ: No.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Like do you think he accepts any culpability? I mean, I know--

PAZ: Absolutely not.

JULIAN: Ugh, ugh.

LIZ: Mr. Centrist? No. I don't think so.

JULIAN: Also, it's so like-- Silverstream just seems incredibly-- I know they're all supposed to be like fairly young. But Silverstream, as the daughter of a leader, seems incredibly naive about how politics work.

PAZ: Right? I guess they're perfect for each other because they both have no consideration for what their actions may cause.

JULIAN: She's like, Oh, no, I can keep the patrols away. It's like, No, you can't.

LIZ: How? How would you do this? It'd be like, (weakly) don't. Oh no.

PAZ: Also like, cats have so many children like. Unless like Crookedstar only ever had one child. I'm like why are you so important?

JULIAN: I mean, how many of them survived to adulthood though?

PAZ: I guess so.

LIZ: I don't know. Maybe she's like Silverstream number five, after he lost the four previous ones.

JULIAN: I do feel bad about the food scarcity in RiverClan. I have a solution for them, which is to go be kittypets, where there's unlimited food.

PAZ: Right? Okay. That's another thing about this set of chapters is Fireheart having those second thoughts, like, damn, being a kittypet might be better? To which I say yes.

LIZ: Damn, I miss my family being near me and also not microaggressing me at every possible like, point. And wow, they have unlimited catnip, just like right here.

PAZ: Don't have to be out in the snow.

LIZ: They have Temptations.

PAZ: No one's dying.

LIZ: They've got health care that isn't just one person.

JULIAN: They have health care that isn't berries.

PAZ: And ass ticks.

JULIAN: Also I have another note that's "Warriors Cats is actually about ecological collapse." But, uh.

LIZ: God.

PAZ: Right? They're--

JULIAN: Given the impact of like a feral cat colony on local wildlife populations.

PAZ: Yeah, I think um... I don't think these cats have a leg to stand on here. But yeah, there's that like, background plot of like, human development causing scarcity going on. Thanks, Warriors.

JULIAN: There is a sweet moment when Fireheart is like encouraging that kit to take his medicine. I thought that was cute.

PAZ: Yeah, that was cute. He had some sweet moments with like, Yellowfang in the den, too, in general. I think like Yellowfang was, like, feeling despondent if I'm remembering, and he like comforted her. It was nice.

JULIAN: Yeah, it seems like they really have like-- it feels like they really have each other's backs in a way that I think is really nice.

PAZ: Yeah. Unlike Graystripe.

JULIAN: He can learn something.

LIZ: I think it's also good that like-- oh, sorry. Go ahead.

JULIAN: No, no, no, go ahead.

LIZ: I mean, it's also nice that she's like the other person he can actually talk about all this secret stuff with because he doesn't really have anyone else. Cause his best friend has just fucked off.

PAZ: He should tell her about Tigerclaw. I bet she'd be like, yeah, I don't like his vibes.

LIZ: She's like yeah, I already knew.

JULIAN: I feel like she would be like a really-- like as sort of an outsider to the clan and also like someone who has seen shady shit go down before, I feel like she would be a really good person to like talk about this stuff with.

PAZ: Yeah, right. I can't remember if they ever had like a brief convo about that in book one, but I can't remember.

JULIAN: I think they might have, but it was when like Tigerclaw was very clearly gunning for her. I don't know if they've had a convo about like his shadiness generally.

PAZ: Yeah, I'm not sure. But considering Tigerclaw plotted another murder this set of chapters, maybe Fireheart should get on that.

JULIAN: Yeah, God. It's like, I'm glad that Fireheart is like coming back around to like, Oh yeah, no Tigerclaw is-- because in the earlier chapters, he was kind of doubting himself about whether Tigerclaw was the most evil person, or most evil cat. But like, now he's done it again.

PAZ: Yeah, this is the second time he's tried to murder someone by just having them get hit by a car, because he tried to do it with Ravenpaw when they were going to Moonstone or whatever.

JULIAN: Oh god, I forgot about that.

PAZ: I know.

LIZ: Don't fucking get between Tigerclaw and a crosswalk. Jesus.

PAZ: Tigerclaw cannot be the clan traffic guard.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: It would be a disaster.

JULIAN: It's also like, well, everyone believes him. If Tigerclaw says it-- I wonder like, do you think Dustpaw knew?

PAZ: I don't think so.

JULIAN: That the whole prey stuff was fake? He's just such a dick that I don't like him.

PAZ: Yeah, he does suck. He's the guy who sucks.

LIZ: He is the guy-- I think he's probably getting encouraged by Tigerclaw. Just like getting better treatment, and they're probably bitching about Fireheart on the off side.

PAZ: God, Sandpaw wasn't in these chapters at all, now that I'm thinking about it.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: What is she doing?

JULIAN: I will say for Dustpaw, he's a racist dick. But he does have a point about why doesn't he go while Fireheart goes, like go back to Tigerclaw instead of Fireheart going to get catnip, running back to the camp, and then running... like that doesn't...

LIZ: Yeah. And like his main contention is that-- I mean with Fireheart-- is that one of them is like a warrior while the other one's still an apprentice. And getting catnip is definitely an apprentice job, right?

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I guess it would be.

JULIAN: I forget. In the book, is it clear that Fireheart... like, do other people know that Fireheart is getting the catnip from the Twolegplace? Is that why other people might not be-- might not want to go?

PAZ: I mean Yellowfang says that's where it is, right?

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: I don't think that's like secret knowledge.

JULIAN: Okay.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: I was unclear on that. The other note I have, which is completely like counter to the tone of these scenes, but like Fireheart has just been carrying catnip in his mouth, right before all this shit goes down. He's going to be high as hell.

PAZ: Maybe he needs that. Some stressful stuff happening. It's very funny that the solution to horrible deathly illness is get high, I guess. Hey, Bluestar.

LIZ: Get Bluestar one of those like little hyper realistic fish toys with the catnip inside.

PAZ: See, if you're a kittypet, you could have that and more.

LIZ: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

JULIAN: There you go. As much catnip as you could desire.

PAZ: Yeah. I really like the scene with Princess, speaking of kittypets. Where--

JULIAN: Yeah, it's really sweet.

PAZ: Yeah, it's really sweet. And she's also just like, yeah, Tigerclaw sounds shady as fuck. Glad to see she has some brains.

JULIAN: Yeah, there also is like a really nice moment where she's like, yeah, like, you know, sometimes I think about being a warrior. I think it'd be cool. But then I go back inside.

PAZ: I like the contrast of like, Fireheart asking how her kits were, and she's like, yeah, they're all great and healthy. Meanwhile, like all the children back in ThunderClan are dying.

JULIAN: Yeah, God.

LIZ: Wow, I wonder if there's a solution to that.

PAZ: This book-- really this set of chapters is not convincing me that the warrior way of life is the way to go.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: I guess it's not shying away from the realism of living in the woods.

JULIAN: Eugh.

LIZ: I think it's also-- it must be very interesting to be Princess, because you're just having like a normal cat life. And then your brother just went to live in the woods, and he comes back now and then just to tell you all this wild shit, so it must be like, she's just like nodding, like, wow, that's crazy.

PAZ: Yeah, Princess found out about cat heaven. She's like, excuse me?

LIZ: You get how many lives? What? But only if you're the president.

JULIAN: God, from Princess's point of view, she must think her brother joined a cult.

PAZ: Right?

LIZ: She's like, I would hate to lose you to the cult.

JULIAN: Like literally, they like isolate him from his friends and family.

PAZ: Oh my god. Yeah.

JULIAN: Like only one member is like, allowed to like make all the decisions. Everyone is like, frantically competing for a few resources so they don't notice the consolidation of power.

PAZ: Oh my God. You're right.

LIZ: He also keeps getting like microaggressed for being an outsider. Let's not forget that.

JULIAN: Mm-hmm.

PAZ: Uh-huh, yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah. All of the like, in group/out group stuff.

PAZ: He joined a TikTok cult.

JULIAN: Oh, God. Fireheart went to Guatemala to find himself.

PAZ: Exactly.

JULIAN: And, uh.

[pages rustle]

I mean, the Cinderpaw stuff is just miserable.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Like, I think we'll probably talk more about it in the next episode.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Because like, the way that that storyline plays out sucks.

PAZ: Yeah, for sure. I wasn't sure if we'd talk about it this week or next week, but I think next week will probably be like-- there's probably more to build off of there. Yeah, but needless to say, Cinderpaw gets gravely injured, and you can see the beginnings of this plotline about how like, oh, she'll never recover. She'll never be a warrior. And it's not great.

JULIAN: Well, it's also just like, did y'all try to set her leg? Like.

PAZ: I don't know if they know about that.

JULIAN: I mean, they're, like--

LIZ: I'm-- they can come back to life. I think, from a writing point of view, you know.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Come on. This is... ugh.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Is it cause of the thumbs?

JULIAN: Just like immediately, they're like, oh, well, it's over for her.

PAZ: Yeah, they haven't even seen her recover.

JULIAN: She hasn't even woken up yet.

PAZ: Right? Like not to hammer the point of realism, because that doesn't matter, because this is a book about cat society. But like, three-legged cats do just fine also. It is not the end of the world.

JULIAN: I mean, there's also like, there is a three-legged deputy. Or like a deputy with a busted-- Deadfoot in whichever. Like he has a busted foot.

PAZ: Right? He's a deputy.

JULIAN: Which is pointed out kindly and helpfully in his name.

PAZ: Thanks Warriors.

JULIAN: But like, thanks Warriors. But like, you know, he's a deputy. He's a respected warrior.

PAZ: Right? Guess only WindClan lets--

LIZ: I mean, it's not like there isn't precedent. God.

PAZ: Ugh. And she's so young.

LIZ: Yeah, she's just like, ugh.

JULIAN: Like she's so-- it's not like she has... she just started training. It would not be difficult to like, be like, okay, we're going to train you differently now.

PAZ: Right? Exactly.

LIZ: It's just like, they always talk about how like, oh, she's such a good student or whatever. And then like the instant something like this happens to her, it's like, just, they totally give up. Like, there's no hope for her. No one's really doing anything except for like, being very, like, oh no, that's it. I guess we should just give up now. And it's so, so depressing.

JULIAN: Yeah. It's like, well, it's up to StarClan. Like, come on.

LIZ: Like some sort of framework for when she recovers, because she's alive. I don't know.

JULIAN: No, and it sucks. And it's like y'all have a shortage of warriors. You're just gonna... no? Nothing? Okay.

PAZ: Yeah, it's real bad. And unfortunately, like a continuing theme in Warriors.

LIZ: Yeah, I just... like, there could be a framework for it because they've written into like, their little cat society precedent for taking care of like elders and having like forms of, I guess like public care. That's not really the right word for it. But like, people have resources and are provided for and aren't just like, you know, exposed on a hill for anything.

PAZ: Well, that's not like... that's not what they're planning to do. But it's the like taking away like... there's no more autonomy for her. Like, you're just gonna be disabled, and you can't be a warrior, which is bonkers.

JULIAN: It does feel like though, like that this society that has like... that initially seems to have this like underpinning of like, everyone is valuable. And like, everyone has something to, like, give the clan, it's weird that they write her off immediately and like, don't find a way to make being a warrior work when warriors are so needed. It just doesn't feel consistent. And also, it sucks in a children's book. But.

It also-- there's like a... there's one moment where like... let me see if I can find it. But like Tigerclaw is talking about, like, illness in a way that Fireheart's like, oh, he doesn't... like he seems to think... oh, here it is. Tigerclaw is like, okay, we're going to do a quarantine. And like, everyone who's sick has to stay at the fallen oak. And "Fireheart wondered if he thought of illness as a sign of weakness." And so it's like, they're kind of trying to lampshade it, I guess. But it's like, well, you're... everyone else is also ableist. So it's not just the fascist deputy.

LIZ: It's just like, it's baked into the structure of it now.

PAZ: I mean, we're gonna talk about this more later, but like, reading some critiques, people pointed out a lot of times in Warriors, disability or disabled characters come up as a way to be a plot point for other characters' pain, which is definitely the case here, because I feel like a big part of this is gonna lead to Fireheart feeling bad about not being a good mentor and stuff, more than it is about like Cinderpaw herself.

JULIAN: Yeah, definitely.

LIZ: Oh, god. It's just so disappointing.

PAZ: But we'll see more of what happens with her character soon. So we--

JULIAN: Like I do think-- I don't like her arc, but I think she's a very compelling character.

PAZ: Yeah, I like her a lot as a character.

JULIAN: I like her a lot.

PAZ: But yeah, not a well handled arc at all.

LIZ: God, where do we go from here?

PAZ: I mean, Tigerclaw developed germ theory, I guess is of note.

JULIAN: He did. I can't believe the cats understand germs and are not like oh, it's a miasma.

LIZ: Yeah. Why don't they just think it's bad vibes? That...

PAZ: Right? Fucking quarantine?

JULIAN: I can't wait for Tigerclaw to figure out that Graystripe has been sneaking out and brought the plague.

PAZ: You know what, Graystripe deserves it right now. Get his ass.

LIZ: Graystripe fuckin out eating at IHOP, no mask. Graystripe is Isle of Man gf guy.

JULIAN: God. Fuck!

[Liz cackles]

PAZ: He is.

JULIAN: Graystripe skidding over to RiverClan on a jetski.

PAZ: He's never ridden a jetski in his life, but he's gonna fucking do it. Oh my god. If people don't know what we're talking about, please look up Isle of Man... I don't know, jetski guy.

JULIAN: Jetski guy. Jetski Romeo.

PAZ: Yeah, jetski Romeo is what he was called. Please do yourself a favor.

JULIAN: Oh yeah, I forget that the wider internet is probably not up on the news on the Isle of Man.

PAZ: Well, they should be.

LIZ: Oh, god. They should be. It's very good. It's very compelling. I don't know... [laughs] I lost my summaries. Where are they?

JULIAN: Oh yeah, I was scrolling through Liz's summaries instead of looking at my own.

PAZ: All of my notes for chapter 17 are anti-Graystripe. That's it.

LIZ: I don't know how he's gonna come back from this. He's a real bitch right now. Sorry to swear in the sacred Warriors zone.

JULIAN: Oh, there is one line in chapter 18, where Fireheart is like, "how can the clan tolerate these tragedies?" And like, good question.

PAZ: Yeah. Fireheart I think you're onto something, maybe, about how this sucks.

JULIAN: I think you've found the crux of it. God, AU where instead of everything else that happens, Fireheart realizes that clan life is fundamentally flawed.

PAZ: Like if you're gonna be out in the woods, at least develop like communism or communal society.

JULIAN: They got like halfway there and then they fucked it up so bad.

PAZ: They said, we're gonna have communism, but in our own separate nation states. Thank you.

JULIAN: We're gonna create a socialist commune that is so full of fascism.

PAZ: Isn't that how it goes.

JULIAN: It's just like, if all of the clans pooled their resources, they wouldn't be so vulnerable to shit like the Twolegs fishing all of the things, or like, you know, if they all had multiple sources of food, maybe things would be better.

PAZ: Yeah, they need to special-- not specialize. Need to generalize here.

JULIAN: Or like they can still specialize, but like, you know if RiverClan provides fish for everyone and WindClan provides rabbits? For everyone?

LIZ: Yeah, they have this concept. It's like the little freshkill pile. Just make it a big one.

JULIAN: There you go.

PAZ: No, you're suggesting--

LIZ: I guess make a bigger hole.

PAZ: They need to make a bigger hole.

JULIAN: Because you can't-- the prey doesn't last very long.

LIZ: Make a whole bunch of same size holes, but they're all in one area.

JULIAN: Stale kill.

LIZ: Yeah. Listen, if they have come back from from the dead medical care, they can figure out like how to preserve squirrel meat.

PAZ: Okay, Tigerclaw also made a refrigerator.

JULIAN: That's true, he did.

PAZ: Tigerclaw is like on the cutting edge of science and technology here.

LIZ: And if he wasn't an evil murderer, you know.

JULIAN: Tigerclaw is Elon Musk.

PAZ: Oh, no.

LIZ: Oh, no.

PAZ: No, but Tigerclaw actually presumably comes up with some ideas.

JULIAN: That's true. He does. Elon Musk has never had an idea.

PAZ: No.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: The scene where Fireheart encounters snow for the first time was cute though. But also like--

JULIAN: It was really cute.

PAZ: Also like, damn, you don't have to deal with this if you lived inside.

LIZ: Or you could only just deal with it for like a minute. It's like those videos of house cats being led to like a little patch of the backyard to see snow and they just go back in.

JULIAN: I've always been tempted to do that with Chickpea but she would just run up the stairs and freak herself out.

PAZ: I don't know how my cats would react.

LIZ: Have you guys seen that video where these people made a little cat patio, like it's an enclosed patio thing, and it's just like they dumped like a whole shovel full of snow just on the floor, and they let their cat go crazy in there.

PAZ: No, I don't think--

LIZ: Just roll in it.

JULIAN: Oh, that's so cute.

PAZ: That's the life.

LIZ: Oh my god. Snow inside? For me?

PAZ: Also, I do need to rescind one bad thing I said about Graystripe. He did go see Cinderpaw. I'm looking back now. So thanks, I guess. But then he leaves again, I think, so, not thanks.

LIZ: Cinderpaw is... I'm just very sad. She's just a baby.

PAZ: Yeah. Is there anything else we have to say about the readings before that?

LIZ: Um, no. It just seems bad to be a Warrior cat. I wouldn't do it. If I was a cat, I simply wouldn't be a Warrior cat.

JULIAN: You wouldn't try to reform it from the inside?

LIZ: No, I would be inside the house of a human. And I'd be getting like, just my little Temptations, and health care, and a realistic fish shaped toy full of catnip, I guess.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's the thing. Warrior cats-- Chickpea's favorite toy-- my cat Chickpea's favorite toy is this long length of plastic that came off a box. It's like a ribbon of plastic that she absolutely loves because it skitters really nicely. Warrior cats have never seen plastic.

PAZ: No.

LIZ: So sad.

PAZ: No plastic bags, no cardboard boxes.

LIZ: Not even like crinkly paper balls.

PAZ: No. But if that's it, we didn't really have a long thing planned because it's our first episode back after hiatus. We're all a little scatterbrained. But as a treat, I think we can read off some old forum threads from the archived Warrior Cats forum. I just pulled up a random page from the Wayback Machine.

JULIAN: Oh great news.

PAZ: So I pulled up--

LIZ: God.

PAZ: --the fan polls forum.

JULIAN: Oh, these are so good.

PAZ: They're so good.

JULIAN: Phoenixfire asks on 24th of December, 2009, "How many of you think I'm evil?" Oh, tragically the poll was not saved, so we will never know.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Mudstripe447 said in December of 2009, "Kitstealers, hang out here."

LIZ: I'd like to point out a post one post above that, from Aquasplash, which says, "KRRAC: Kit Rescue Recovery and Adoption Center."

PAZ: Oh. They got little rival groups going on there.

LIZ: Or is it a sting?

JULIAN: Oh, here's a real battle of the clans. Raincloud33: "OutcastClan versus DemonicClan?" DominicClan? It's spelled D-o-m-o-n-i-c Clan. "And PainClan."

LIZ: Well, which one are you from?

PAZ: Oh my God.

JULIAN: Oh.

PAZ: DominicClan.

LIZ: Great post from Spottedtalon7761, and it's just called "Give me your phone and I will do something to it."

PAZ: Is Spottedtalon gonna hack our phones?

LIZ: Maybe they already did.

PAZ: Ah, there's one--

LIZ: Check the Gmail login. Who is it?

PAZ: Spottedtalon7761 also posted, "Super hard warriors quiz." I'm very sad I cannot access that.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: Wildfeather has a lot of things that are, "Please do not click this!!!" Three exclamation marks. "Whatever you do, don't click this!" Unfortunately, it does look like a lot of people have clicked it because there are 19 replies.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: People never listen to warnings. Here's one from Icestar ForestClan. "Is Lionblaze hot or what? She-cats only!" Exclamation mark.

JULIAN: Icestar, come on!

PAZ: Yeah, that's not very inclusive of you, Icestar.

LIZ: Very rude.

JULIAN: No! "Some of these kits are dying! Donate kits! Kit play center, help wanted," by Birchie.

LIZ: There's a post from someone just called Demi. "Do you belive in Santa Claus?"

PAZ: That's a hard question to ask here on warriorcats.com.

JULIAN: Firestorm28, not listening to Internet safety. "How old are you???" Question mark question mark question mark. "Not cat wise."

PAZ: No. Here's-- I went on to the second page. Here's one from Brooksong of RiverClan. "What would you do if you were Ravenpaw? A funny poll."

JULIAN: Is it funny?!

PAZ: I might do what Ravenpaw already did. I'd just fucking leave. Oh my god. Lionpath.

[Julian gasps]

"If you play Pirates of the Caribbean online click here."

JULIAN: Right underneath it, tragic story from Rainheart42. "Kits on the way and my last mate just dumped me. I need a father for the kits." You don't. That's not how this works.

LIZ: My god.

PAZ: Be a single mother.

JULIAN: They're all single mothers. They live in a den together and they all raise the kits together.

PAZ: Wait, yeah, you're right.

JULIAN: That's in the books.

LIZ: Can I--

PAZ: Some of these, I don't know if they're polls or not, I'm just saying.

LIZ: There's three great posts from someone called Maplewind almost like consecutively. One is just "Slap (one)." "The great space," and "A DANGER AMONG US." All capitals.

PAZ: I'm so intrigued.

JULIAN: Yeah, a lot of these do not seem like polls.

PAZ: Nope.

JULIAN: Oh, Mudstar is asking the real questions. "Percy Jackson or Warriors."

PAZ: Oh.

JULIAN: Who's more active in the Nook-- the Barnes and Noble Nook forums?

LIZ: Quick, post a comment there with a poll. We have to find out.

JULIAN: It had 40 replies.

PAZ: Damn, that's a hot topic.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: I'm gonna go to the last page and see if the last page of this was archived. Ah, it wasn't.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: One from Sunstep. "Which of these would be the hottest tom?" There's zero replies.

JULIAN: Oh no.

LIZ: There's a post from Runningstar just called "Do you believe in global warming?"

JULIAN: Oh no.

PAZ: Yeah, read the first book, first series. Here's one from Hot--

JULIAN: Blackstar--

PAZ: Oh, go ahead.

JULIAN: Oh sorry, go ahead.

PAZ: You can go.

JULIAN: Okay, here's one from Blackstar15. "Please help me find out what the prophece means."

PAZ: The "pro-feece"?

LIZ: Did anyone help them?

JULIAN: Four people did.

PAZ: Oh thank God.

LIZ: Oh good.

PAZ: Um, here's a very popular thread from Hollystorm with 181 replies.

JULIAN: Oh my.

PAZ: It is simply titled "Evil mates."

LIZ: God, I'm so sad I can't click this.

JULIAN: I know. These are all so tempting.

LIZ: The one that's just called poll, but it's like p-o-l-e.

PAZ: There's so many good ones. It's so sad that this was shut down.

LIZ: Okay, I have a question for you guys just based on the contents of this forum and your experience. Was kit stealing in RPing like a thing? Like a very big thing?

PAZ: I...

JULIAN: It certainly never happened in our RP.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't think it was that common on Neopets, but I was actually reading something somebody had written about like the history of Warrior Cats forums. And apparently that was like a staple there.

LIZ: Wow.

PAZ: So I guess that's a special of forums.warriorcats.com.

JULIAN: I wonder if it was like-- well, maybe this wouldn't hold up because it wasn't common on Neopets. Like, I think it would have been really weird on our forum because it was mostly people who actually knew each other in real life. And like all of the kits were our friends who had like, we had bullied into joining our particular clan.

PAZ: Don't want to cause bad blood.

JULIAN: Yeah, and there wasn't anyone who was like-- like we had a lot of trouble driving conflict in the story because no one wanted to be mad at each other.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: It could have been happening on Neopets, but I don't-- I never did it. So maybe it's just not in my memory. But you know, that sounds... yeah, that would make sense.

JULIAN: It seems like it would be very popular among like, a certain subset of like very edgy roleplayers.

PAZ: Yeah, exactly.

JULIAN: Listeners, if you RPed via Warriors, or if you did Warriors RP and you stole kits or were yourself a stolen kit, let us know how that played out.

PAZ: Yeah, please. I would love to know how you RP being a stolen kit. Please write in. Oh, I love that one you posted, Liz. How would you pronounce that?

LIZ: Eeevil.

JULIAN: Ayvil.

PAZ: Well, yeah, that's my advice. If you want a laugh, go to Wayback Machine and look at some forum titles. It's a goldmine.

JULIAN: We can tweet out the link.

PAZ: Yeah, of the one we were looking at. Um, but I guess that's gonna be it for us today. Glad to be back.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: I'd like to end with one more.

PAZ: Please.

LIZ: So this is on the first page right near the top. And it's called "Hello, I'm the author Erin Hunter, by Erin Hunter."

JULIAN: Now, do we think this is in fact, the author Erin Hunter?

LIZ: Well, they did spell author a-u-t-h-e-r. But maybe that's just like how British people do it?

JULIAN: I don't think it is!

PAZ: I believe this person. Why wouldn't I?

JULIAN: I've never been so sad that I can't click on...

PAZ: It's heartbreaking.

LIZ: Oh, it's got 432 views.

JULIAN: Only 28 replies, though. That's not nearly as many as Goldenshadow's "Super hard quiz: Who are we?"

PAZ: Okay, well, next week, you can join us again. We'll be reading chapters 19 up to chapter 22. So that's like 19 through 21. 19 through 21. And that's gonna do it for us this week. As always, you can find the show @staircast on Twitter. You can write into our empty email inbox, [email protected]. And yeah. Oh, and we're like on a lot of podcast platforms so you can find us there if you want and leave a review, I guess, if you want.

JULIAN: I haven't looked to see if we have any reviews.

PAZ: I think we do. I think we have a few. Whoever did that, thank you so much. We really appreciate it.

LIZ: Thank you.

PAZ: Thank you for listening. Do you guys have anything else to add?

JULIAN: Uh, no.

LIZ: Have a cool summer.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Yep.

JULIAN: Have a cool summer. Um, enjoy... swimming? I'm sorry. I tried to think of a summer activity and ended up sounding like an alien.

PAZ: Real RiverClan hours this summer. Okay, well, until next time, everyone, may StarClan light your path. Bye.

JULIAN: Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

[outro music]

#ep 12 #fire and ice ep #transcript #jetski romeo

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projectalbum · 7 years ago

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177. “Hail to the Thief,” 178. “In Rainbows,” 179. “King of Limbs,” 180. “A Moon Shaped Pool” by Radiohead

Here we are. At that point where I have to defend my previous assertion that Hail to the Thief (#177) is closer to my heart than the widely-beloved Kid A. And here we go…

There are 14 tracks, far more than any other Radiohead album, and I only dislike one of them. And it’s not “We Suck Young Blood” (it’s “The Gloaming”). Like, “Blood” is a creepy, chain-rattling chiller with deliberately cracked vocals and that cool little jazzy breakdown between the verses. “The Gloaming” is like a ghost taking a nap.

Even stranger, my favorite songs are all in a little clump in the last third. Right after the aforementioned downers, this suite of winners begins with “There, There,” the lead single. Featuring one of the loveliest, slightly gritty guitar lines in the catalogue and a chorus lyric (“Just ‘cause you feel it, doesn’t mean it’s there”) that stings, if not like a knife in the heart, than maybe like a sharpened icicle in the lower abdomen. “I Will” is one second shy of 2 minutes, but there is beauty in the utter simplicity of gently-strummed electric guitar and three-part Yorke harmony. It’s the soundtrack to staring into a dying fire. And it transitions right into “A Punchup At a Wedding,” slinky and pissed-off at once, sitting next to “You and Whose Army?” as the straight-up coolest piano numbers. One of these days, mark my words, I will master it, because it’s just fairly repetitive chords. But the distinct rhythm of the pounding on the keys has always slightly eluded me.

The escalating tension of this killer suite boils over in crunchy, foreboding synth and aggressive drums on “Myxomatosis.” “I— don’t— know— why I— feel so— tongue… tied” is, I believe, the exact cadence of the chorus, and I can identify with those moments when the churning chemical processes make articulate expression impossible.

15 years on, Thief remains hard for people to pin down. Though there are a few “angry” songs, the material is not explicitly about political leaders or Blair or Bush. That title pun was read as a pissy, middle finger salute as on-the-nose as a Banksy, despite any statements made by the band members to downplay that interpretation. Unlike the albums that made their name, this collection of songs lacks an over-arching thematic focus, which may still hurt its legacy. But I will continue to argue passionately for the music’s inherent strength. The follow-up, released four years later, requires no such defense.

In Rainbows (#178) was my introduction to Radiohead. It has and will probably fulfill that same purpose for a lot of others. From 2007-2010, I was in college, majoring in film production and spending a lot of time in a windowless room filled with iMacs. I give you the range of years, because I’m not positive just how fresh the surprise late-’07 digital release of that album was when my friend Seth handed me the thumb drive in that iMac editing lab. College is a time to experiment with new experiences, you see, and I really only followed that credo when it came to dadaist TV comedies and ponderous rock bands. So in that sterile environment, when I should have been working, I put in earbuds instead.

“15 Step” began with clapboard beats played through a glitchy hard drive. Thom lamented another repeat of the vicious cycle. Then Jonny’s guitar came in, soft and inviting as your pillow, bolstered by Colin Greenwood’s nimble bass. A sample of schoolyard cheers, and then we stepped off the sheer drop. The rest of the album was what I saw as I fell and hit the ocean’s surface, a sort of “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” if the man dreamt of the noose tightening anyway. “Nude” is the haughty confirmation of the protagonist’s fear in “There, There”— “Don’t get any big ideas, they’re not gonna happen” is the lilting, falsetto admonishment. It shares DNA with R.E.M.’s “Tongue” from 1994’s Monster, to the point of sibling rivalry. But Michael Stipe’s feminine protagonist on that tune feels like an amusing pose in comparison.

To continue both the R.E.M. connection and the falling man’s dilemma, the split title of “Weird Fishes/Arpeggi” acknowledges the rapid, repeating guitar technique that that band’s Peter Buck made a staple, but here it sounds like water rushing overhead. I’m sinking deeper, but I’ve determined that the way out is through. By the time the clacking boneyard beat and flickering piano of “Videotape” laid the album to rest back in that college computer lab, I felt like I’d been through something. That some synaptic pathways had been rewired by a piece of art in that way that becomes neurologically harder and harder to achieve again as the years go by. The hypnotic draw of this series of songs is impossible to shake even after an ensuing near-decade of revisitation.

By the time The King of Limbs (#179) leaked onto the web in 2011, Radiohead had been taking over my brain one used CD purchase at a time. As I collected the discography, marveling at OK Computer and puzzling at Pablo Honey, the security blanket melodies and instrumentation of In Rainbows wriggled in ever deeper. So the murky production, polyrhythmic grooves, and murmured vocals of Limbs were not immediately arresting. “It’s a grower,” I gently warned people when handing them a burned CD-R. Meaning over multiple listens, not over the course of the album: at 8 tracks and 37 minutes, it’s as fleet as a couple of their EPs.

Opener “Bloom” is like the score to a Biblical epic as listened to through a glass pressed to a hotel room wall, all muted horns and a vocal that sweeps like sun rays. “Morning Mr. Magpie” and “Little by Little” are statements of Limbs’ groove-focused identity, and melody-wise tend to blend into each other with little resistance. Where the guitar on Rainbows was a hand to guide you, here it’s another rhythm component, along with the doubled-up drum kit: as the band took the songs on the road, they enlisted Clive Deamer to join long-time drummer Philip Selway. Four hands were better than two to create the beds these compositions required.

“Feral” jettisons pop song structure completely as a cut-up chord collage dashed against unstoppable train drums. “Lotus Flower” is 2/3rds floor-rattling bass, 2/3rds hand-claps, and 2/3rds crystalline falsetto: as mathematically impossible as Yorke’s dance moves in the video. The album closes out with three pastorally pretty and almost terminally mellow numbers: the deep embedded roots of “Codex,” the treetop birdsong of “Give Up the Ghost,” the late Sunday morning wakeup of “Separator.” The melodies are sweet invitations, but I can understand if they sound, in their final produced form, like rock n’roll Ambien. The live arrangements, like those recorded for the “From The Basement” special, are generally thought to breathe extra life into the tunes. The recent Hans Zimmer/Radiohead reimagining of “Bloom” for “Blue Planet 2” makes that song’s cinematic ambitions more readily apparent, as well. But I’ve got a soft spot for any and all versions, and don’t feel any sting of disappointment that TKOL wasn’t In Rainbows Part 2.

The 4-5 year gaps between records has proven an energizing practice for the band’s members as they explore their own projects. Jonny Greenwood created an impressive body of work as Paul Thomas Anderson’s film composer of choice, Yorke (with producer Nigel Godrich in tow) collaborated with Flea on Atoms For Peace and indulged DJ-focused electronica on the self-released Tomorrow’s Modern Boxes. Where Rainbows had drawn inspiration for its sonic approach from the close-miked intimacy of Yorke’s solo record The Eraser (more on that next time), 2016’s A Moon Shaped Pool (#180) has Greenwood’s stellar orchestral composition work threaded throughout.

Any hazy production cobwebs from TKOL are swept aside by the Bernard Hermann stabbing strings and depth charge bass line of “Burn the Witch,” the true paranoid opus of our surveillance state age. “Red crosses on wooden doors, and if you float, you burn,” Yorke hums and coos, deliberately juxtaposing his trademark vibrating falsetto against the dire warnings. “We Know Where You Live,” stated the cryptic postcards sent to fans, and it was true, because we’ve offered our whereabouts freely to whoever will listen. “Daydreaming” follows its own somnambulant trajectory, with piano that ambles along until periodically the notes catch a long wind, to paraphrase the Feist song, swirling like cel-painted animated leaves. The video closes the gap between Jonny’s prestige film work and his longest-running gig with P.T. Anderson helming a low-key gorgeous M.C. Escher puzzle of Thom moving purposefully through an endless series of doors, spaces, environments.

Before the album dropped, I saw a live clip of Yorke debuting “Desert Island Disk,” just he and his acoustic guitar. The studio version does little to distract from that simple backbone: it’s a sweet, dexterous garden party riff bolstered with gentle drumming and subtle synth washes. “Glass Eyes,” the shortest, most melancholy track, has taken hold like an itch in the mind. Watery electric piano and Yorke’s murmured phone message verses slip through like a dream you struggle to remember the details of, until suddenly the exact angle of a cold gray street corner sparks a complete deja vu, and the heart-rending string section swells.

I’ve taken to playing “The Numbers” at inappropriate volumes, lately. Symphonic rock is nothing new, but it’s rare to hear such a mid-tempo acoustic groove be so suddenly opened up by falling stomach cello courtesy of London Contemporary Orchestra. “We call upon the people / The people have this power / The numbers don’t decide / The system is a lie” is the undeniable political exhortation, and the strings are the wielded tools of revolution: if “Burn The Witch” was a warning against mob rule, “The Numbers” is a rallying cry for positive upheaval.

“True Love Waits,” and there’s no better evidence for that sentiment than the official release of this song from the era of “The Bends.” Live performances and bootlegs through the years featured variations on acoustic guitar or Rhodes piano. Repeated attempts in the studio every few years yielded nothing wholly satisfying. In its final version, closing the album, reverb-laden grand piano and Yorke’s ghostly yearning is joined by glittering ice crystal notes that steadily accumulate. In my head I see the scene from A.I. in which the artificial boy, David, patiently and gratefully beholds the Blue Fairy, as his systems freeze into a thousand years of sleep. Melancholy become manifest.

In the next entry, I’ll jump out of alphabetical order to revisit two of Thom Yorke’s extracurricular activities.

#Radiohead #album art #Thom Yorke #Jonny Greenwood #cdcollection #in rainbows #a moon shaped pool #lotus flower #king of limbs

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lovethefinalseason-blog · 8 years ago

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PLL 7B, Ep 3: Hold Your Piece

What do severed fingers and Japanese investors have in common? No it’s not the opening of a new fast food restaurant - just pieces of AD’s ultimate end game. Before we begin, for those of you who dropped off the PLL bandwagon and are just reading these recaps because you need to know what happened but don’t have the mental energy to catch up (and believe me it takes A LOT of mental energy) here are a few details you should know before we begin.

Remember Sydney Driscoll? Yea, me either and I’ve been watching this show the entire time. Just kidding, how could I forget her giant lips. If you recall, she’s old friends with Jenna Marshall, who the liars know for sure is working for AD. In the summer finale she delivered a message to Caleb and Mona at the Radley about the liars. Also Lucas is rich now and lets Hanna live in his house for free and told Hanna that he’d invest in her fashion empire, even though he owns a tech company that has nothing to do with fashion.

As the episode opens, a baby is crying as Spencer sleeps. She wakes up frustrated and confused at the sound, goes to the living room and finds the game phone lit up with a cartoon baby crying. She turns down the volume then goes back to bed but it immediately starts back up again. She then takes the phone and turns it off but before she can walk away the whole game lights up and the phone turns itself on again.

Spencer does the only logical thing, smashes the phone calls the liars over in the middle of the middle of the night to talk about it. They suggest locking it in Ali’s house since she’s out of town. Emily says that “she had something she had to deal with” and they all nod and decide there is a lot of paperwork involved in being the wife of a psychopath that they killed with a car. Hanna thinks she’s changing her name back to Dilaurentis since “Alison Rollins sounds like a mouth full of muffins.” As they argue whether or not Mary Drake is behind this, the phone suddenly stops crying and a message pops up “Play with me Hanna..A.D.” It’s Hanna’s turn to play.

The next morning Emily and Hanna are drinking coffee at Hanna’s Lucas’ apartment. Emily asks if Caleb saw the phone but Hanna said she hid it in her purse because “guys won’t go through a girl’s purse because they are too afraid to touch a tampon.” Just then Caleb walks in with a stack of newspapers. Mona got Hanna into the style edition of what looks to be Rosewood’s version of the New York Times. Hanna decides that 9am is the perfect time to pop a bottle of champagne to celebrate but before they can take a sip Emily finds a popular blogger “runway rebel” has a headline reading “stolen design on senators daughter?”with a picture of Catherine wearing Hanna’s cursed dress from last week.

Toby is at the Brew when Spencer walks in. He tells her that Yvonne (his fiance) is out of her coma but still has a ways to go. Spencer, the former Adderall addict, starts talking about all the drug therapies and treatments Yvonne can do but Toby stops her, saying he’ll let the doctors handle it. Then Marco aka hot cop walks in and Toby takes his leave. Marco says he left a message for Spencer about a private detective but Spencer says right now “I have to focus on people in my life that aren’t missing.” Marco asks if that includes him with a flirty smile. He says he planned an entire day for Spencer to take her mind off the fact that he hasn’t found the person who shot her.

Aria, Hanna, Emily and Caleb are trying to figure out where blogger got her info. The blogger quotes a “BLIND item” and an “Anonymous source” prompting Hanna to conclude “you can’t spell annonymous without AD”. Caleb, who can break into any security systems but the girls still don’t trust to break into the phone that comes with the game, says that Jenna checked out of the Radley so they decide the next logical step is to find Jenna’s friend Sydney. Caleb does some more of his tech magic to locate Sydney then as he’s handing Hanna some Batman level gadgets (including a listening pen), Aria notices a story on TV about Ezra and Nicole. Nicole is being interviewed about how happy she is to be back with Ezra. When the others notice her watching it she quickly turns it off and says that Ezra will be back after Nicole is better. They will always “find their way back to each other.”

Emily visits Yvonne and Toby at the hospital. As Toby is telling her that Yvonne hasn’t spoken yet, she suddenly wakes up and calls out Toby’s name. He tells Emily to get the nurse and runs in to be with her.

Caleb is grabbing some more GPS trackers when Hanna hears the phone buzz in her purse (where Caleb, tech wizard and owner of 100 GPS trackers will never find it...) The message says “Answer the Door”. There’s a knock on the door but Hanna is too paralyzed to answer. The knocking continues and Caleb comes out to answer. When he opens the door he freezes and Hanna, freaking out, asks who it is. Caleb responds its....you. Then we see that standing at the door is a MANNEQUIN OF HANNA WITH STITCHES ON HER FACE.

Hanna finally tells Caleb about Liars Lament and Caleb is like...but I can hack phones though? He’s also discovered that the doll can talk if you pull the cord in the back. It says “For more information please see the appendix.”

Marco brings Spencer to an after school program for kids with a game room. His buddy reserved the room so they can play ping pong by themselves.

Toby is trying to help Yvonne in the hospital. He asks her to pick up a small ball. She does. Then he tells her to switch hands and squeeze it, she does that too. Then he takes out their engagement rings and says he thinks they should get married, right now in the hospital. She slowly picks up the rings and says “I Do” as she slips it on his finger.

Lucas is back from wherever he was before. He’s investigating the blog drama for Hanna but says he’s not worried about it. He’s organized a group of Japanese investors to look at Hanna’s fashion line. He asks to have a look at one of the designs and is about to uncover the weird Hanna mannequin when she stops him. Thinking she’s just superstitious he laughs it off and tells her to meet him at the Radley at 7PM for the meeting.

Aria and Emily are looking up Sydney on Rosewood’s version of facebook. She checked into a charity event at the Manhattan Children’s Charity 2 days ago, the same event as the senator’s daughter. They now think that Sydney is possibly AD and/or the other shooter.

While on the phone with Caleb, Hanna is still searching for the mysterious appendix. Caleb is carefully inspecting the game with some sort of green laser pointer. Hanna notices something on the mannequin then asks Caleb if he remembers the game Operation. She realizes that “appendix” means the body’s appendix and as she lifts the shirt of the mannequin she sees stitches right where the appendix would be taken out. Hanna puts the doll on some sort of operating table and begins to cut it open.... AND IT BLEEDS.

She then uses tweezers to extract a plastic bag containing a dress with a note that says “wear me.”

Spencer and Marco are still playing ping pong. She tells him she learned to play at “Horseback riding camp.” Marco says that he learned to play on this very table. Spencer wins and tells him she needed that win. Marco responds “I’m the real winner here”. He starts spurting info on the case, and says they still can’t find Rollins. Spencer goes to play more ping pong but Marco notices that Spencer’s shoulder bullet wound is bleeding. He goes to find a first aid kit and she notices the kid art on the wall. It’s a drawing Marco made when he was little. He grew up in this after school type program. Then her phone buzzes with missed calls from Emily.

Emily and Aria are in a car outside the building where Sydney works. Aria says she can use Sidney’s office wifi to hack her phone - seriously no you can’t. This is not a thing. She takes out an FBI level tracking computer and says Caleb taught her how to hack this morning. Yea...ok.

Hanna discovers that the outfit A wants her to wear is a really short and sexy Japanese kimono. Her investors are Japanese so she thinks she will offend them and lose all the money. Caleb asks what happens if you just refuse to play then realizes that AD knows they killed Rollins. Caleb says he’ll try to stop the board before she meets the board (get it?).

Emily walks by Sydney and pretends to just run into her. Sydney is like “oh hell no” who sent you. Emily tells her she’s here about Jenna. Sydney says she’s glad its Emily instead of the cops. She said all she did was deliver a message to Caleb and Mona at the Radley and nothing else. She regrets reconnecting with Jenna and says that was the last favor she ever does for her. Sydney then asks why Emily is still caught up in all of this Then she takes her coffee and walks away. When Emily returns to the car Aria has discovered that Sydney has an appointment at the eye institute later in the day and Emily is pissed that Sydney lied to her. Sydney calls the eye institute (and Aria/Emily can hear all her calls and read her text messages since they are “hacked in” to her phone) to put a deposit for a surgery procedure for Jenna. Sydney says that the “A.D” on the deposit stood for “anonymous donor”. An incoming text from a blocked number to Sydney says “did you do it?” She answers “its done.”

Marco is cleaning up Spencer’s wound when she mentions the picture Marco drew as a kid. Marco admits he was a shy, chubby kid with glasses. He says his mother had problems with pills...sort of like Spencer...but she’s clean now and they talk once a month on the phone. The lady who used to run this children’s program took care of him, acting like a surrogate mom. He says they should ice the shoulder but Spencer doesn’t want to go back because this game room is “so beautiful.” . He tells her she doesn’t have to drive herself crazy choosing between her two moms, just love the people who want the best for you. (including him!!) Then they start making out.

We briefly touch on Toby and Yvonne getting married in the hospital. Unable to move from the bed, they’ve draped a decorated white hospital gown over her shoulders. Toby wears a suit and bow tie as they place rings on each other.

Aria and Emily confront Sydney, basically trying to kidnap her. Like the rest of us, she is confused as to how they know her whole schedule. She tries to escape but Aria does some karate moves on her (taught to her by Holden perhaps?). She says that she doesn’t personally know anyone with the initials AD, its just an account that wants to remain anonymous. She also says she doesn’t know where Jenna is and that Jenna’s games have gotten too dangerous for her taste. Aria throws Sydney’s bag back at her and walks away. They apparently put GPS trackers in her bag. Emily calls Hanna. Hanna is in the kimono dress and says shes about to flush her entire future down the toilet.

Caleb is now using a stethoscope to hear inside the game when Spencer walks in. She’s surprised Caleb knows about the game. He can’t figure it out or open it or do anything but he thinks that the screws are underneath the buildings. Then they realize that it might be weird for them to be in the same room because remember that time they were sleeping together. It suddenly gets awkward so Spencer offers him a beer. He accepts and they smile, they are over each other! Yay. Spencer starts to tell him about this guy she spent the whole day with. And Caleb is like oo is it that cop. He asks if he’s good to her because she deserves that. Spencer starts bleeding again but tells Caleb it’s no big deal and goes to order some food. As she turns around, a steam of gas spurts up from the game and Caleb falls down in convulsions. Spencer calls 911.

At the Radley, Hanna shows up in a trench coat with her rack of dresses. Lucas helps her and Hanna says that this is amazing and shes so grateful. She says he’s the most generous friend and makes him promsie they will always be friends. As they are walking in her phone buzzes, Caleb is in the hospital. Lucas takes her sketchbook and says he’s got this, just go.

Toby and Yvonne are celebrating their hospital wedding eating some vending machine cake. Toby asks her about their honeymoon. In a strained voice, she says she’d rather have city than beach. He suggests Buenos Aries and Patagonia. She says she wants to go to Moscow in the winter to an ice rink that lights up at night. Toby decides that’s where they will spend their first Christmas then they will travel around. He asks her if shes happy and she just barely whispers“happiest”. Then she closes her eyes and the flowers fall out of her hand...

Hanna is with Caleb in the hospital. He’s fine but says that this is worse than the time Hanna sprayed hair spray in his face. He told the hospital that he mixed chemicals himself so they didn’t ask any questions. She says the game doesn’t matter, she just wants him to be OK. Her phone dings, she looks at it then runs out to the waiting room where Spencer, Emily and Aria are waiting for her. She shows them her phone message - “Hey loser - goodbye to your prize - AD”. Hanna lashes out at Spencer because all she had to do on her turn was visit her friend in the hospital. Emily and Aria stop her and say this is all part of AD’s plan and they need to stick together. Spencer says shes going to visit Toby and Yvonne. Emily’s phone dings. Its the GPS tracker on Sydney and she tells Aria she’s going to follow her tonight.

Spencer finds Toby wandering around the hospital hallway distraught and crying. He collapses into her arms. Yvonne is dead.

Aria returns home to her apartment, leaving a message for Ezra that Sabrina, the girl who worked at the coffee shop, quit and she doesn’t know what to do. Oh yea, remember when Ezra bought the coffee shop? Aria says she can’t run this business by herself. As she puts down her keys a dark figure emerges from the background. Aria grabs a knife but when she turns on the lights it’s Nicole, Ezra’s supposed fiance who was in the hospital in NY.

In the final scene Marco, surrounded by some generic cop extras, is slowly opening a package marked “Rosewood Police”. Inside is a cloth bundle that he slowly unwraps to find.....a finger. Archer Dunhill’s perhaps? This is what happens when you don’t play AD’s game...although I think the person sending the finger is who the cops are going to look at so again I don’t understand AD’s “End Game”.

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staircasttext · 4 years ago

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Ep 03 Transcript: Firepaw's Two Moms

Episode 3

[intro music]

PAZ: Hi again everyone, and welcome back to Stairway to Starclan, a Warrior Cats reread pawdcast. I'm Paz.

JULIAN: I'm Julian.

LIZ: I'm Liz.

PAZ: And we are back once more to dive into the forest with some cats and see what's going on. And I think a lot's going on this week. There's some juicy chapters. Anyone, any pre summary thoughts?

LIZ: I like the illustrations that I have now, because I've had to switch the PDF because my library loan expired.

PAZ: Whichever like 12 year old took that loan away from you, how dare they, frankly.

LIZ: I don't know. They've been waiting for like a month. I think they deserve it. Okay, so the beginning of chapter 10 has just like a very round faced wide eyed little kitten looking at a leaf. It's very good.

JULIAN: The lighting on it is incredible.

LIZ: Yeah, we can post that later. That's all I wanted to draw attention to.

PAZ: It's very important. I also have in my physical book.

LIZ: Yeah, I think they're the classic illustrations then.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah, mine are different in the epub.

PAZ: Oh, interesting.

JULIAN: Yeah, they're like more-- they're line-arty. I think it's a newer edition.

LIZ: Are they the kind of like art nouveau looking ones? Because those are actually really good.

JULIAN: Yeah, yeah, they're really pretty, but they're definitely different. Yeah, I am just amazed at how much politics they managed to cram into four chapters.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Here's the juice.

PAZ: It went by really fast but things really... a lot happened. So I guess we'll just get into these summaries then, and then we can discuss all of it.

LIZ: Hell yeah.

PAZ: So this week we read chapters 10 through 14. And chapter 10 opens on the next morning with another like little friendly scene between Firepaw and Yellowfang. And then Firepaw is called to a meeting with Bluestar, and Bluestar tells him that it's time for him to return to his warrior training, rather than be a caretaker for Yellowfang. Firepaw joins Graypaw and Ravenpaw for a hunting assessment, which is overseen by Tigerclaw. Each apprentice get sent to a different place. Ravenpaw is sent to Snakerocks, Graypaw is sent to the stream, and Firepaw is sent to the woods near the Twolegplace. Tigerclaw ominously says that he'll be watching them.

Firepaw heads off to hunt, and as he nears the Twolegplace, he attacks a kittypet intruder. Firepaw quickly recognizes a cat as Smudge, his old friend from when he was a kitten. Smudge is bewildered that Firepaw is still actually living in the forest and not in someone's house. And Firepaw notices that Smudge smells weird and is round and soft, and has been to the Cutter. They have a conversation where Firepaw affirms that he truly wants to live in the clans rather than be a kittypet, and they affectionately part ways.

Chapter 11 picks up with Firepaw returning to Tigerclaw with the prey he caught. Graypaw also returns soon after. Ravenpaw takes a while to return but he comes back carrying a dead adder that he killed. When Firepaw gets back to camp, he and the two other apprentices discuss the upcoming gathering. Bluestar then calls Firepaw over and tells him that Tigerclaw reported that he saw Firepaw sharing tongues with a kittypet in ThunderClan territory. And Firepaw's like, oh no, we grew up together. And Bluestar presents him on if he misses his kittypet life, but Firepaw reasserts that he is certain he wants to be a warrior and is loyal to ThunderClan.

Bluestar then informs him that Firepaw, Graypaw, and Ravenpaw are to come with the other cats to the gathering. Firepaw goes back and shares the news and they have a little play fighting scene. Graypaw mentions offhand that it was really bad luck the Tigerclaw saw Firepaw with Smudge, and Firepaw realizes that maybe Tigerclaw sent him near the Twolegplace on purpose, and he wonders if this was to test his loyalty.

Chapter 12 is a pretty hefty chapter. Um, the ThunderClan cats arrive at Fourtrees gathering, and it points out some of the other important cats that are there, like the Crookedstar and Brokenstar. Tallstar of WindClan is absent, and there's no other WindClan cats at all. The cats split off into groups to talk with cats from other clans doing this brief truce. Firepaw overhears Tigerstar-- Tigerstar, bleah. Tigerclaw talking about the RiverClan battle and notices that he doesn't say anything about killing Oakheart to avenge Redtail. He then goes to join Graypaw and Spottedleaf and some RiverClan apprentices.

Then the topic of ancient great cat clans comes up and Graypaw explains the mythology behind them and says TigerClan, LionClan, and LeopardClan used to roam the forest. Lionheart chimes in and explains that there is a trace of all great cats in every cat today. After telling the story, Lionheart notices that the ShadowClan apprentice in the group looks unusually small for their age.

Then they-- Firepaw and Graypaw head over to Ravenpaw, who is telling the story of the RiverClan battle. In his story, Ravenpaw says that Redtail killed Oakheart, and doesn't mention Tigerclaw. Firepaw decides that Ravenpaw must have misspoken, but then he sees Tigerclaw watching Ravenpaw from afar, looking increasingly angry. But then the story is interrupted by the clan leaders calling a meeting.

WindClan is still absent and Brokenstar addresses the crowd. He says that ShadowClan has a lot of kids born, and that they're not dead, unlike everyone else, so they need more prey to feed their clan. He demands that the other clans let ShadowClan hunt in their territory, and says that ShadowClan pushed WindClan out of their territory to get their prey. The RiverClan leader Crookedstar says he already agreed to let ShadowClan hunt in the river, but Bluestar does not make a decision yet.

Then Brokenstar insinuates that an unnamed ShadowClan outcast is very dangerous, and that until she is killed, everyone should keep an eye on their kits. The ThunderClan cats instantly recognize he means Yellowfang. They all get really angry, and Firepaw runs ahead to tell Yellowfang about the mob before anyone else gets to her.

Chapter 13 opens with Firepaw returning to tell Yellowfang about the suspicion Brokenstar cast on her and urges her to leave before she is attacked. Yellowfang mentions that Brokenstar kept his promise to drive her from every clan territory. Firepaw reassures Yellowfang he knows she wouldn't harm a kit and asks her why Brokenstar said that. But the conversation is interrupted by the angry mob. But Yellowfang refuses to run and claims that she trusts Bluestar to be fair to her.

Bluestar does indeed address the clan and calms down the crowd using facts and logic. She forbids that Yellowfang be harmed. And then she says that ThunderClan will not give into the Shadow Clan demands and will fight them if-- hi, Kip.

JULIAN: A real live warrior.

PAZ: He's here. Hi.

LIZ: Aww.

PAZ: Sorry Kip, I do have to podcast.

LIZ: He's a part of it. He wants to.

PAZ: Um, gosh, where was I? Kip...

LIZ: Our fourth co-host.

PAZ: Okay.

LIZ: He's our cat consultant.

PAZ: You can sit there, I guess, trying to move stuff out of his way. She then plans a trip to Moonstone where she hopes to receive guidance from StarClan. Graypaw gives some exposition about Moonstone and how all clan leaders sleep there for a night to talk with Starclan and gain nine lives. There's a short scene where Firepaw sees Tigerclaw intimidating Ravenpaw, and then Lionheart tells the apprentice trio that they are going to the Moonstone as well. All apprentices must go to the Moonstone before becoming warriors.

I'm trying to keep my cat from sitting on my keyboard.

LIZ: He can stay there.

PAZ: He can't. Chapter 14 covers the journey to Moonstone which is very far away, and past clan territory. The group, including Tigerclaw, make their way through WindClan territory and still see no WindClan cats but do smell ShadowClan cats. They then arrive to the Thunderpath, which they must cross to get to the Moonstone. Tigerclaw tries to push Ravenpaw to go first, but Bluestar crosses first instead. All the cats cross safely, although Firepaw does get almost get hit by a car that swerves off the road. The chapter ends on the cats hunting and waiting for the moon to rise before going to the Moonstone. And that's all the chapters we read this week.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: Yeah, it's a whole lot.

JULIAN: I'm so glad that that Firepaw, Graypaw, and Ravenpaw passed their hunting SAT.

PAZ: Yeah, no thanks to Tigerclaw. As I was saying earlier, I do have the note that he sent Ravenpaw to snake hell. But, you know, Ravenpaw said, I will prevail.

JULIAN: There's like this one moment when they're waiting for Ravenpaw to get back where Firepaw and Graypaw are like, well, what if he got hurt? What if he, you know, needs help? And Tigerclaw goes, "Then it's his own fault. There's no room for fools in ThunderClan." And I'm like, that's a child!

PAZ: I know.

LIZ: He needs to pull himself up by his little cat bootstraps.

PAZ: Yeah, like they're not even the oldest apprentices. These are little babies. Please.

JULIAN: They've been training for like three months, maybe.

PAZ: Yeah. But I do think like the like Firepaw, Graypaw, Ravenpaw like friend trio is very cute.

LIZ: Yes.

PAZ: And I really like their scenes together. Like they had a little like play fighting scene at one point and it was just like, it was so cute.

LIZ: They're just some scamps.

JULIAN: That was really sweet. I also did really like that we got to see like Firepaw and Smudge, you know, talk again even though it was super weird.

PAZ: Yeah, should we just... I think there's a lot we might have to say about that scene.

LIZ: Let's get into it.

JULIAN: We can do some unpacking of that scene.

PAZ: We might as well because it is right at the beginning. So we're back to balls, balls land.

LIZ: Oh no.

PAZ: I really was, you know... wasn't sure if it was gonna come back, but it sure did.

JULIAN: I guess it does make cats smell different, but the fact that he didn't recognize Smudge, to the point that like, he fought him for like several minutes. This wasn't like a, oh I saw you from behind and didn't recognize you because you look super different. This was like, I was going to kill you. Because you got your balls stole and you don't smell right anymore.

LIZ: You get your balls stolen, it's on sight.

PAZ: I know.

LIZ: One explanation could be like, it's been like a couple months and they're pretty young, I guess, and maybe they've like matured a lot, like, because cats grow kind of fast, don't they?

JULIAN: Yeah that does...

PAZ: Yeah, they do.

LIZ: Maybe.

JULIAN: My other note here is that Smudge is now doomed to cat purgatory, to purrgatory.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Poor Smudge.

LIZ: He's so nice though.

PAZ: Yeah, I really did like this scene though cause it was kind of like... I mean, it served to be like a closing on like Firepaw's kittypet life and being like, yes, I am a warrior now. It was cool to see him like interact with a old kittypet friend.

LIZ: Yeah but, okay, so it was nice but also, he doesn't really like question at all like that there's this divide between them now. There is... I mean I guess that's the way it's like going to be, but having the perspective of like a cat who has been both and has friends in both has not like made him question the balls of it. Like, if you do not have balls, we cannot be friends anymore, you are going to cat purgatory, and there is no way around this.

JULIAN: He drank the Kool Aid real bad.

PAZ: He really, really has, like in all aspects. And it really--

JULIAN: And then like, he goes back and they get mad at him for even talking to a kittypet and not, like, I guess, killing his old friend?

PAZ: Yeah! Are warriors supposed to kill kittypets? Like that's fucked up.

LIZ: He wasn't like that, like agog at the accusation, either. He was just like, oh no, I didn't. He's not like, Oh, I would never. That's my old friend.

PAZ: Yeah like okay, if it wasn't his old friend, would it have been like, fight to the death?

LIZ: If it was Henry.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: He would have been fucking dead.

PAZ: No, Henry.

JULIAN: It's on sight for Henry.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: God, the other thing that-- Smudge mentions that Firepaw like looks really skinny. And I'm like, yeah, he's malnourished. He's eating like one mouse a day.

PAZ: Yeah, like the weird thing about that scene was like, it pointed out like the difficulty of like being a wild cat versus a house cat. But like, even though it was like realistic about it, it was still like, no, it's fine to be a warrior because it's cool. I was like okay.

LIZ: Yeah, I mean, you know what? Good for Smudge. He's fine. He's vaccinated.

PAZ: And he's like, all round and happy.

LIZ: He's not gonna get ticks.

PAZ: No, no ass ticks for him.

LIZ: No.

JULIAN: He'll never taste mouse bile.

LIZ: How do they get that? How do they even get that?

JULIAN: I don't want to know.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't need to know that.

LIZ: Okay. But I want to draw attention to like this description of, like, Smudge, because there's like-- aside from the being plump and stuff, there's like other kind of weird, physical differences. Like it describes him having like "round eyes and a narrow face, which looked very different from the lean, broad-headed cats that Firepaw lived with now."

JULIAN: So that actually I think might be a real thing. Apparently cats who don't get neutered, like early, like tomcats tend to have like big cheeks.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Oh, what?

JULIAN: It like changes their face structure somewhat. So Smudge might look different.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: Cause he's got his balls stole.

PAZ: Smudge looks like a little boy and I love that.

JULIAN: [Keith Carberry voice] He's just a little boy.

LIZ: Does he just look like Oliver in your head?

PAZ: Yeah, except like black and white.

JULIAN: I keep envisioning Chloe.

LIZ: That's very good.

PAZ: This book has absolutely poisoned me because I do look at my cat now who is very round and be like, wow, idiot got his balls stole. That's why he's like that.

LIZ: Cover Oliver's ears. He cannot hear this slander.

JULIAN: Yeah, it does, it is like-- I'm glad that he gets closure on his kittypet life. It does feel very much like when you go back, like your first semester after college, and you hang out with your high school friends and you're like, oh, we've all kind of changed.

PAZ: Yeah, it kind is like that.

JULIAN: Except that the change is getting your ball stole and also living in a state of like semi hunger.

LIZ: Firepaw just went to like have a, like a one of those like natural diets in the woods, I guess.

JULIAN: God.

LIZ: And he's like, yeah, I have a mouse a day and I'm great. Oh, what happened to your balls? Oh, that sucks, bro. Gotta go.

PAZ: Is he like a Instagram lifestyle influencer?

JULIAN: Firepaw's a WWOOFer. The people who live on organic farms for free.

PAZ: Oh yeah?

JULIAN: And just move from farm to farm, that's him. He's one with nature.

LIZ: I didn't know that was a thing.

JULIAN: Yeah, it was a really big among a certain subset of folks I went to college with.

PAZ: Well, I mean, anything else about the Smudge scene?

LIZ: I like Smudge.

PAZ: Me too.

LIZ: He's just living his good life.

JULIAN: Yeah, he's a good guy.

LIZ: Good guy, great name.

PAZ: Um, I mean, aside from the Smudge scene in that chapter, I mean it's kind of just like Tigerclaw being a weird shitty, slimy guy. Cause he does send Ravenpaw to snake hell and also obviously sent Firepaw over to the like house area, I don't know, to like frame him or something like that.

JULIAN: Yeah, he's just a big ol slime.

LIZ: He's so obviously like shady. He's so shady.

PAZ: Firepaw notices him like, lurking ominously by conversations like so many times.

LIZ: He's just like there, and he's always like looking mean, and glaring, and angry. And he doesn't really think about it that much. He's just like yep, that's Tigerclaw. That's just how he is.

PAZ: Firepaw did like finally have a single brain cell in regards to Tigerclaw and was like, maybe he sent me there on purpose? Question mark. But then it was no thoughts head empty.

LIZ: It still feels more like he's thinking, oh, maybe he sent me there on purpose because he's a mean teacher.

JULIAN: Right, I think he just thinks that Tigerclaw has like resting bitch face, and that's why he's looking angry all the time, instead of he's cartoonishly evil.

LIZ: He should know the difference because Yellowfang has resting bitch face, probably.

JULIAN: They do mention her face looking squashed.

PAZ: I guess she is a Persian cat.

LIZ: That's so weird.

PAZ: Oh, a note I do have written down is Bluestar/Yellowfang.

LIZ: Right?

JULIAN: That's a good note.

PAZ: Yeah, yeah cause there's a part in chapter 11 where like Bluestar like seems fond of Yellowfang. And I'm like, oh, MILFs together.

JULIAN: MILF city.

LIZ: Do we have to call them MILFs?

PAZ: CILFs.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: No.

JULIAN: I think Liz's problem might be with the ILF part.

PAZ: Yeah, okay, that's fair. I disagree with that too.

LIZ: They're older women. I do agree that we can get into that now if you want. Or we can go through chrono--

PAZ: I mean, like it comes up in chapter 11, and then kind of comes back again when like Yellowfang is like being put on trial, by mob justice.

JULIAN: Yeah, Bluestar is like very very defensive of her. It would be a lot easier for her to just not be. So good for Bluestar.

PAZ: Mm-hmm.

LIZ: You can find romance late in your cat life. Why not?

JULIAN: You can. They deserve it.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: They do. And you know, once Yellowfang doesn't have those ass ticks anymore... you know, it'll be great. They can go on romantic forest walks, and I don't know, like, plot ShadowClan's demise, you know.

LIZ: Oh, you don't want the hurt/comfort fic about Bluestar like tenderly taking care of Yellowfang's ticks?

PAZ: I... well...

JULIAN: I hate this.

LIZ: That's not a no.

PAZ: Maybe not in so much detail as we previously got.

JULIAN: If I didn't know there were ass ticks, and that they involved mouse bile, I'd be like, aw, that's sweet. But I do, and so it's not.

LIZ: Why don't they use paws? They have them. They have been shown to be putting like medicine with their paws on things. I don't...

PAZ: But just kind of like patting. Like I don't think they're... they're not like grasping stuff in their paws.

JULIAN: Well, and Yellowfang said that the reason that they were using the mouse bile was because she didn't want the tick heads embedded in her. Because it wouldn't pull the whole thing out.

PAZ: Yeah, you can't like bite them out.

LIZ: I'm so mad about this rational explanation.

JULIAN: The bile is like an acid so it makes them release their little grasping mouthparts.

LIZ: Icky.

JULIAN: [laughing] I'm sorry for this detailed walkthrough of how ticks work.

PAZ: I mean, good on the cats for like, trying not to get like Lyme disease. I don't know if cats can get Lyme disease, but whatever.

LIZ: We can find out.

JULIAN: I'm googling it right now. Can cats get Lyme disease? Probably not a concern for cat owners. This is from Cornell.

PAZ: Well, that's because my cat's not outside.

JULIAN: "Although the bacteria that causes Lyme disease is capable of infecting cats, the disease has never been seen in a cat outside of a laboratory setting." Are they infecting cats with Lyme in laboratories?

LIZ: Oh my god.

PAZ: Please don't do that.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Please don't. Well, I mean, okay. I mean, I guess it's good that naturally they would not be getting it.

LIZ: Maybe they-- I hope they just have a cat they found with Lyme disease, and they were like, we have to cure this cat. That's a that's a really optimistic view. But I don't wanna think about this. This is terrible.

PAZ: Okay, well, tragedy in scientific ethics aside.

JULIAN: Oh, there is a really cute scene around the time when they started talking about Yellowfang, where the kits are watching Firepaw and the other apprentices come back and like, talking about how cool they are and how they're gonna be just as cool when they grow up, and it's very sweet. The kit content is generally good.

PAZ: It is very cute. They're just little babies. I think like that plus the Smudge scene kind of like ending that arc of like, oh Firepaw joining ThunderClan, like it's like, yeah, he's in it now. He is accepted.

LIZ: Yeah, it's good framing. But like, we can also follow that scene with-- because we were talking about Yellowfang/Bluestar earlier. There's this part where Bluestar's talking to Firepaw, and she says, "she's a wise old she-cat, you know, and I suspect she wasn't always bad tempered. Indeed, I think that I could grow to like her."

JULIAN: Oh, that's where it's at.

PAZ: That's what made me write that down.

LIZ: Bro, bro, it's real. Cat old lady romance is real.

JULIAN: That's some real enemies to lovers content right there.

PAZ: I just think they should have a forbidden past-- no, never mind. Couldn't word that right.

JULIAN: A past forbidden romance? A tryst?

PAZ: Yeah, a tryst.

LIZ: A whirlwind one.

PAZ: Yeah, now their feelings, being rekindled by the circumstances.

JULIAN: It would have been double forbidden because Yellowfang was a medicine cat.

[Paz and Liz gasp]

And from another clan.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

JULIAN: So it's extra sexy.

PAZ: I love this.

LIZ: Does it have to be sexy?

PAZ: No, it's extra tasty, like good content.

LIZ: They're two on the verge of-- well, one of them's retired, I guess. Two old retired, like warrior cats, kind of, basically. I don't know. Do medicine cats count? Anyway. And they're just like after all these years, I see you again.

JULIAN: That's beautiful.

LIZ: Have you changed? Have I changed? And so on and so forth.

PAZ: I love this fiction we've created. It's what they deserve.

JULIAN: This is a rich fiction.

LIZ: Prequel. We need it.

JULIAN: I'm opening AO3 right now.

PAZ: Oh, please tell me if there's any.

JULIAN: I bet there won't be because people are fools.

LIZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: Other tags to include.

LIZ: I imagine there's 100 million tags to filter, just because of the amount of characters.

PAZ: Yeah, we already went over that.

JULIAN: Yeah, yeah. Ugh, I have to do it in the canonical tag. Bluestar (Warriors)/Yellowfang (Warriors).

PAZ: I'm on the edge of my seat.

LIZ: This is so exciting.

JULIAN: Sort and filter. 28 works! Yes.

PAZ: Oh fuck yeah.

LIZ: Oh my goodness, there's fucking riches.

JULIAN: Well, I might have typed the tag in wrong.

PAZ: Oh no.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: I was gonna say for like a book fandom femslash pairing, I was like, that's pretty good.

JULIAN: For a book fandom femslash pairing of like specifically two old.

LIZ: Two old cats from a children's series.

JULIAN: For some reason she's in-- her canonical tag is Bluefur, so I typed it wrong.

LIZ: Oh, maybe there is some stuff for them.

JULIAN: I guess that was her warrior name. Sorry, I'm a slow typer.

PAZ: No, it's fine.

JULIAN: No, there's none.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Oh, this is tragic.

LIZ: Maybe it's not on AO3.

JULIAN: Maybe.

PAZ: It's all on FF.net.

LIZ: I'm gonna boolean search this.

PAZ: Yeah, just Google search that. Maybe it's on some--

JULIAN: Oh I'm sorry, there's a single one. There's one. It was written in February of this year. Oh, fuck yes.

LIZ: Wow.

PAZ: You should link it.

JULIAN: I'll link it in the chat.

PAZ: I was also wondering like, if there's like a lot of Graypaw/Firepaw content out there.

JULIAN: I'm sure there is.

PAZ: Yeah, when I was reading I was wondering that because they keep being very, very cute together.

JULIAN: Yeah, I'm sure there's like AMVs too.

PAZ: Oh good. Oh should we tell Liz that we did, like, without I guess spoiling context but gay cat.

JULIAN: Oh yes. Yeah, we found out that there is a canonical--

PAZ: Well like by word of the author.

JULIAN: Or not canonical, but by word of God sort of a...

LIZ: You know what? That's good enough. They're cats. I don't know how much these eight old British ladies thought about it.

PAZ: Well, it was like, the author said like, it was like canonical in her heart but the publisher said no, essentially. Which sucks.

LIZ: Yeah, it does suck. You know what, they've got clout, they can... I believe in the future of this gay cat.

PAZ: Yeah, but once we get to that character... I have to figure out when that comes up, because I want I want to talk about it badly.

LIZ: Is it a character from this series or like the next one?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Oh great.

JULIAN: Yes.

LIZ: Okay. Also, some results.

JULIAN: Oh good.

LIZ: So if you boolean search Bluestar slash-- I made slash into like three syllables, sorry. Bluestar/Yellowfang or vice versa, and you look in images, there are some.

JULIAN: Oh?

LIZ: There's a few images.

PAZ: Oh?

LIZ: I'm going to-- they're all on Pinterest so I don't know where they're from. So that's unfortunate. So I'll drop them in the chat, cause they're there. This is existing.

PAZ: Aw.

JULIAN: Aw, that's so cute, actually.

PAZ: Oh, they're talking about their son.

JULIAN: That's really sweet. I'll try--

PAZ: Yeah, try and describe it.

JULIAN: Well, and also like when we're done with the pod, I can like try reverse Google searching it and finding the artists so we can tweet it. So it's Bluestar kind of laying on the ground and Yellowfang is sort of cuddled on top of her with one eye open looking very grouchy. And they're both talking about Firepaw, who is drawn is just the, like, smiliest cat in the world.

PAZ: It's adorable.

JULIAN: It's very cute.

LIZ: It is.

PAZ: That's their son boy.

LIZ: Oh there's another one, I, this one's just called "Son and his moms," and I can't get the link to it.

[Julian and Paz gasp]

PAZ: No, please.

LIZ: I hate Pinterest. I'm not locked in. Okay, we've gotta reverse search this later. It's very sweet.

JULIAN: Yes.

PAZ: I am so happy there is any content of this.

JULIAN: Aw.

PAZ: Oh my gosh.

LIZ: Two old lesbian mom cats and son.

PAZ: What's better than this?

JULIAN: They're all cuddled up together, and Firepaw has his arm around Yellowfang, who has her paw over Bluestar, and they're just all cuddling, and it's perfect.

PAZ: Ah, this has healed me.

LIZ: This is also a very nice, big fluffy Yellowfang. Wonderful cat.

JULIAN: Yeah. Big and soft.

LIZ: Ooh, there's a YouTube with the speed paint, and it's... Gotta look at this. Look at this thumbnail.

PAZ: Aw.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: These cats are in love.

JULIAN: They have their foreheads touching.

PAZ: They're doing a forehead touch and they're smiling.

JULIAN: Oh, the music is also deeply romantic.

PAZ: Oh wow.

JULIAN: It's just like some soft acoustic guitar, but they're in love, actually,

PAZ: They are. Wow.

LIZ: These cats are in love. They have a son.

JULIAN: Perfect.

PAZ: This is fantastic. Well, I'm extremely happy there's content out there.

LIZ: This is exactly how it should be.

PAZ: Yes, I hadn't even considered that two lesbian moms and their son dynamic but it's perfect. Thank you Warrior Cats fandom. Your mind.

JULIAN: I hadn't either. All right, we do got to talk about the gathering,

PAZ: Oh well, I was also gonna mention that while we're on the topic of Yellowfang, I think Firepaw and Yellowfang's relationship is very sweet.

LIZ: Oh yeah.

PAZ: And I'm glad that they're like friends now and Firepaw like cares about her.

JULIAN: He's a good boy.

LIZ: He's very dumb but he's just like a nice young man.

PAZ: He is. But that's, yeah, I just wanted to mention that.

JULIAN: Oh, for sure.

PAZ: I was gonna let you, segue, Julian.

JULIAN: Oh, sorry. Um, yeah, no, the gathering is-- first off, it's nice to get to see a gathering because we get to see all the clans interact. I was bummed when the first gathering was like, well, the other apprentices go and, you have to stay behind and have fun. So it's nice to see the clans interact, but also, uhhhh, little fucked up, little fucked up for Brokenstar to be like, well we had more kits so... Like, I'm not against-- I think they should all be sharing their territory. But you can't just, you can't strong arm it.

PAZ: You can't just invade, like, this has to be through good faith, I think, and also like they apparently just fucking destroyed a whole nother clan. So not a good image.

LIZ: I was so sure when, when he brought up the we have more like living kittens or whatever, that he was gonna say like but since we have no resources, can you foster them and that can be like the beginning of-- no, this is just an invasion.

PAZ: Absolutely not.

JULIAN: Yeah, also Crookedstar needs to get better name SEO. Just all of the names are like...

PAZ: Yeah, why do all the, like, both Crookedstar and Brokenstar are like, get better names. Those are like scary sounding. Although Crookedstar isn't evil. He's just a pussy, I guess, literally, haha.

LIZ: Good one.

PAZ: Thanks.

LIZ: Real zinger.

JULIAN: God.

PAZ: But yeah okay, they all talked about-- they mentioned, like how many kits are dying, and I was just like, this is another reason you should all go be kittypets. All your kits are dying.

JULIAN: Well, and it's like... I'm suspicious, and I don't remember if this is actually a plot point or not, but they keep mentioning how young the kits, or the apprentices look. And it's like okay, do they actually have more kits, or are they pushing like young kits to be apprentices so it looks like they have more apprentices.

PAZ: Oh, that's, yeah I don't remember either.

JULIAN: And then they can use like their, quote unquote, "extra kits" as an excuse to strong arm into other people's territory,

PAZ: Yeah I was-- cause I was thinking maybe it was like a bad environmental-- like not bad as in a bad plot, but like environmental pollution or whatever was causing like stunted growth, but that'd be really interested if they are like faking it.

LIZ: Yeah, I thought another reason could be like, they just don't have as many adult cats so they have to like push the younger population forward more, just because of like dying, but, um, that first one is very interesting. So is that second one. I wouldn't be surprised if it was like a mixture of both.

JULIAN: Yeah, it could be a mixture of all three.

PAZ: Yeah, and I am curious how like, cause Yellowfang probably ties into it somehow, as medicine cat at the very least, so I'm curious to see how that all comes together.

JULIAN: Definitely. Yeah, no, Brokenstar's whole spiel sounds very like 1930s appeasement. Like we need more space is like a pretty big...

PAZ: I did write down is ShadowClan just the United States of America.

LIZ: Oh, man. Brokenstar voice, manifest destiny.

PAZ: Exactly. Yeah, I guess RiverClan just didn't want to get like wiped out. So they just went along with it. But Bluestar says, Not today.

JULIAN: Oh no, I really liked that she consulted her-- like she was like, I'm going to consult the clan.

PAZ: Yeah, good leadership. My favorite clan as a child was WindClan. I don't like 100% remember why now, but I was like, oh, I'm sad they're not here.

LIZ: Aw.

PAZ: Come back.

LIZ: It is also-- it is weird, at least to me, that they didn't have any like previous instances of sharing or trade or even like anything like that, I guess, prior to this, except for I guess the gathering. But I don't think there's any like, resource management in the gathering. It's just kind of like gossip and politics.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean that's a great ques--

JULIAN: Yeah--

PAZ: Oh, go ahead.

JULIAN: No, I was gonna say it's weird that there's like no negotiation of this, it's just like Brokenstar gets up and is like, hey, this is how it is.

PAZ: Yeah I mean, I have no clear idea like how long these clans have actually been around. There's probably like lore now at this point because the series has been going on so long about like those exact numbers, but the fact that there's never been sharing before seems absurd.

JULIAN: I mean, apparently, according to Lionheart, the clans have been around since they were all great cats, which I have some questions about biologically.

PAZ: Yeah, one, I don't think that's how the evolutionary tree looks because I'm pretty sure there is some other common cat ancestor far in the past.

LIZ: What would they think of like domestication, as in like the history of it?

PAZ: I don't know. To me at this point, like without knowing like how it's expanded on in later books, to me, it read as just like, oh, like mythical origin story, which is like cute, you know, but I don't know if it gets like real literal in future books. I hope not.

LIZ: This is why it has to be like in England where they don't have any like fucking bobcats or anything around.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: I did do a quick google to see if lions ever lived in Great Britain, but I could not find...

PAZ: I know they were in Europe, but I don't know if they got to the British Isles.

LIZ: I mean, zoos probably, I don't know if that's gonna ever come up. Wouldn't that be fucked up? You're a cat, you see like your ancient ancestor of myth, just like chillin in the zoo. It shakes--

They're doing better than you. Cause they're fed.

Oh, great news.

PAZ: Oh?

LIZ: Oh, what?

JULIAN: There was a lion-like creature called Panthera fossiliferous in the UK, 68 hundred thousand years ago.

LIZ: Wow.

JULIAN: Sorry, 680,000 years.

PAZ: See, that's what I'm saying, if they have some great cat ancestor, it's gonna be like that guy, I don't know. But they're cats, what do they know?

LIZ: Yeah, they're also cats from like contemporary time, so genetically, they come from all over the place from just other cats, Right?

PAZ: Yeah.

Unknown Speaker

Yeah.

LIZ: It's like, apparently, Yellowfang's a Persian cat.

JULIAN: I'm guessing that the Erins Hunter did not do a ton of research into cat genetics.

PAZ: No, probably not. Which is fine, I guess.

LIZ: That's okay.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Oh, do we want to mention that like a listener wrote in to tell us that like UK cat culture is in fact like--

JULIAN: Oh yeah, yes. We had a listener, Harry, tell us that apparently UK cat culture is like so insistent that cats be allowed to roam outdoors that they often won't let you adopt a cat if you can't prove that the cat will have access to like a back garden. So it's basically the opposite of the way it is here in the US, where often they won't let you adopt the cat if you say you will let the cat out. So it's just like very common to let your cats roam.

PAZ: Yeah, I think it really explains a lot about Warriors' like politics around like cats being outside. And like the romanticiz-- romantic-- wow, I can't say that word. The romanticization-dah, dah.

LIZ: You got it, it's okay.

PAZ: The glorification of cats being outside.

LIZ: Like again, I guess they don't have like coyotes there. But they still have like--

JULIAN: Right, they still have cars.

LIZ: They still have cars. They still have like birds whose populations could be adversely affected by this, possibly.

PAZ: And also birds that could-- like hawks that could kill your cat, too.

LIZ: Oh my god, a fucking hawk swoops down, picks up your poor cat, and is just like, in a British voice, thanks for the snack. Bye.

PAZ: Thanks for reminding us they would all have British accents.

LIZ: They're all British cats. Just, they're very-- I don't know what accents they'd have, like regionally. But, I don't know, this could be like a BBC audiodrama.

JULIAN: Yeah, because that is a big variation.

PAZ: That's the medium you think it should be in?

LIZ: Mm-hmm.

JULIAN: I meant to look up the audio book, but I haven't had a chance. But I would guess it's not in a British accent, which is disappointing and not realistic.

PAZ: I would love to know.

LIZ: It's a good enough adaption. Can you imagine if they made a movie, like a big budget movie with cats? I don't know. That one seems kind of difficult. Anyway.

JULIAN: Did y'all ever see the Incredible Journey movie where they have like actual animals?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Yeah yeah yeah.

PAZ: I watched that so much as a kid.

JULIAN: Yes, that's what I'm envisioning for the Into the Wild movie.

PAZ: Wow, we'd need a lot of talented cat actors.

LIZ: Julian, have you seen the Guardians of Gahoole movie?

JULIAN: I have not.

PAZ: It's not bad.

LIZ: It's not good. It's alright.

PAZ: It could be worse.

LIZ: I imagine if they had made a Warriors movie, it would have been something like that, like, pretty realistic cats but they emote like just a little too much, like humanly. They're gonna-- it's not DreamWorks, but they will DreamWorks smile at you.

Nooo.

What were we talking about?

PAZ: We were talking about the gathering. I guess, other stuff that happens there is Tigerclaw being real suspicious again.

LIZ: So suspicious.

PAZ: Yeah, I think you called it a kind of like a murder mystery plot in the first episode, Liz. It's kind of like that, where like the details about like this event are like being muddied, you know.

LIZ: Yeah, like when Ravenpaw is telling his story to the other cats, about Redtail and then like Firepaw notices Tigerclaw glaring, just like murderously staring at Ravenpaw. And he's just like, Oh, Ravenpaw must have just gotten it wrong. I will not think about this anymore.

PAZ: No. Firepaw, please.

JULIAN: Oh buddy.

PAZ: I'm also like, is Bluestar not paying attention either? Hello?

JULIAN: Well, she's got other things on her plate.

PAZ: Yeah, I guess. But Tigerclaw seems to be doing this like every hour, so.

JULIAN: Yeah, that's true. She should notice his just like ambient air of menace.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: Maybe people have just gotten used to it, like, oh that's, oh that Tigerclaw.

PAZ: I hope not.

JULIAN: He's just like that.

LIZ: Yeah, but like Ravenpaw's just in his own little Hamlet thing. He's like...

JULIAN: Oh, I was so sad. He was so like excited to get to tell the story to all the other apprentices at the gathering.

PAZ: I know.

JULIAN: He was like really in his element and I was like, aw, the poor little guy.

PAZ: It was very cute that Graypaw was like, wow, who knew Ravenpaw was such a good storyteller.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: Yeah, the rest of the time he's been like so nervous and freaked out. This is like the first time he's really had like, you know, here's where he's like completely comfortable. I'm very worried that he's just gonna get assassinated.

PAZ: Yeah, that kind of is the vibe. I'm amazed that Tigerclaw-- well, okay, Tigerclaw definitely has tried to [laughs].

JULIAN: He's tried to kill him, like, at least twice on screen.

PAZ: Yeah. And everyone's just like, haha.

JULIAN: Oh, that Tigerclaw.

LIZ: He sent one of our children to snake hell, and it's all right.

PAZ: And he wanted one of our children to run out into the road.

LIZ: Also fine.

PAZ: All very fine.

JULIAN: I mean, it seems like they have a pretty like laissez faire attitude towards kit mortality, so.

PAZ: Yeah, I guess so.

LIZ: They should not because they don't have that many, right? That's the whole problem.

PAZ: Yeah. Anything else at the gathering really?

JULIAN: Not really here.

PAZ: I mean, like I guess it ends with like mob mentality versus Yellowfang. Like, once again, these cats are so xenophobic.

JULIAN: They're awful. I also, if I'm remembering correctly, it seemed like Yellowfang-- or like Tigerclaw kind of riled them up some.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Which is just further evidence that I don't like him.

PAZ: Uh huh, yeah.

LIZ: He's so shady.

PAZ: He's so-- I think I just wrote like, why is he so obviously slimy and shady.

LIZ: I mean, I guess the answer is kids book. But he's so shady.

PAZ: Yeah, but like for a kid's book, it's still-- I mean, it's like fun to like be getting the clues, and kids can be like, aha. I see what's happening.

LIZ: It's very fun. He's very-- he lurks a lot, like you said, and it is fun to read.

PAZ: Yeah, yeah, I'm excited to see when it all like comes to a head, which will probably be soon. Yeah, I mean like, after the gathering is just kind of the stuff with like Yellowfang getting accused, and some more of her like mysterious backstory there. And also, advancing the Bluestar/Yellowfang agenda. Because Yellowfang's like, I trust Bluestar to be fair.

JULIAN: Yeah. And then she is fair.

PAZ: She is. She's like, nobody fucking touch Yellowfang under my watch.

LIZ: Yeah, I have that section highlighted if we want to read it.

PAZ: Sure, go ahead.

JULIAN: Yeah.

LIZ: "Yellowfang looked up at Bluestar and narrowed her eyes respectfully." She's drinking that respect cat juice. "'I will leave now if you wish it, Bluestar.' 'There is no need,' Bluestar replied. 'You have done nothing wrong. You will be safe here.'" It's very dramatic, very romantic.

PAZ: Yes.

JULIAN: Ugh, perfect.

PAZ: What's better than that?

JULIAN: We also get some more Firepaw/Spottedleaf.

PAZ: Oh, yeah.

JULIAN: Just him thinking a lot about how nice she smells.

PAZ: I think like, within this chunk of chapters, how nice she smells comes up at least twice, maybe three times. It's like, okay.

LIZ: Okay now, they are cats, but it's still weird. Because also, I think, like, heterosexual humans write like this, too, about other humans.

PAZ: Well, that was the thing in Harry Potter, I remember, was apparently, the thing that Harry would notice was smell in hair.

Yep.

Great, great stuff, great stuff to notice about someone.

LIZ: I don't know. It's the same wording for for Spottedleaf. She's always like warm and sweet, like she's--

JULIAN: Her warm, sweet breath, specifically.

LIZ: Ugh.

JULIAN: And I'm just like, have you smelled a cat's breath before?

LIZ: She's been eating like voles, cause she's like the cat in the wild. I don't think she's gonna smell like cinnamon or anything. I don't know.

JULIAN: She doesn't get those, what are the chews that you give your pet so that they brush their teeth, the little dental chews?

PAZ: Maybe she has like herbs that she chews, I don't know.

JULIAN: There you go.

LIZ: She's the only one who does. That's why she's so special. It's medicine, that's how she knows.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, that was like kind of it for Spottedleaf stuff so far.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: For now,

JULIAN: The journey to the Moonstone is like the next bit, and it is very-- like it's a long journey. It takes them an entire day to get there.

PAZ: Yeah, if you like, look on the map-- there's no scale markers as we established. But it's like, all the way on the other side of like ThunderClan territory and across WindClan territory, and then like to a mine across the road. I guess cats are tiny so it takes them a long time.

LIZ: Mmm... they're just little guys.

PAZ: They are.

JULIAN: They're just little guys. My epub version of the map is not good quality. Sorry, continue.

LIZ: No, it's just that this group is like, three-fifths just babies.

PAZ: It is.

JULIAN: Yeah, and not only is it long, they have to cross the Thunderpath and Firepaw almost gets hit by a car because a bunch of like chucklefucks drive off the road at him, which is awful.

LIZ: That's so awful.

PAZ: Yeah, I was like, wow, like who does that? I guess there's assholes out there but like what the fuck.

LIZ: He's just a little baby.

JULIAN: He's a baby boy.

PAZ: He is. I can't protect him.

LIZ: No, he doesn't want you to.

JULIAN: That's Bluestar and Yellowfang's son.

PAZ: Their son. I also wrote down Lionheart death flag, because he has this scene-- I don't know if this is true, but he has this scene with Graypaw where he's like, don't forget what I've taught you. And Graypaw's like, I will always remember Lionheart. I'm like, This guy's gonna fucking bite it.

JULIAN: God, yeah. Did-- no, Tigerclaw came with them to the Moonstone.

PAZ: Yeah, he did. Yeah, cause he tries to get Ravenpaw fucking run over.

LIZ: What a terrible cat, terrible.

JULIAN: All cats are queens except for Tigerclaw, who's rancid.

PAZ: Yeah, sorry. We're amending the rules.

JULIAN: Yeah, the Moonstone is also in a cave called Mothermouth, which is a choice of a name.

PAZ: Yeah, I don't know where they got that one. Don't know the reasoning behind that one.

LIZ: I'm really just picturing it as like, you know, a cave, but it also looks like the the emoji that's like the colon and then a capital O.

PAZ: I think it's like, it's supposed to be like an abandoned mine because if you look on the, the human version of the map of the area, it says, let me check. It says Devil's Fingers, disused mine.

JULIAN: Oh damn.

LIZ: Mm, spooky.

PAZ: Very welcoming. But yeah, they're gonna go in that mine. Who knows what will happen?

JULIAN: I'm excited to like see more of the StarClan stuff.

PAZ: Yeah, me too. I'm all for cat magic. Why not?

JULIAN: Again, teen me was wrong. Cat magic is cool as hell.

PAZ: Fuck yeah.

LIZ: I'm excited to see it because so far it's been very, like I guess practical. They have like mythology, but it's just these are just cats living and working

PAZ: Yeah, it's also like interesting that their like religion thing is like, it's just ancestor-focused, like it's not like a one to one Christianity thing.

JULIAN: Yeah, there's no cat God.

PAZ: Like I don't think there's like a cat God or anything, as far as I know.

LIZ: I don't think I could take that.

PAZ: No, I'm pretty sure there isn't.

JULIAN: Firepaw has become Catholic.

PAZ: Oh no.

JULIAN: No.

PAZ: Yeah, I think the StarClan stuff is pretty interesting. And it definitely gets fleshed out.

JULIAN: Yeah, we get a lot more StarClan content in later books. And also maybe in this one? I don't remember.

PAZ: Uh, maybe. I mean like they're going to the Moonstone so there'll probably be like weird vision shit. We'll see. Yeah, I mean, anything-- we kind of like, went through chronologically. Anything else that anybody has to add?

JULIAN: Oh, we did see dogs in our journey to the Moonstone.

PAZ: Oh yeah. They weren't speaking, though.

JULIAN: They were vicious, and they were not speaking. So that's one point against dogs being sentient.

PAZ: Yeah, maybe that gets retconned, who knows.

LIZ: I think that's it for this chapter.

JULIAN: Yeah, I think-- do we want to move on to-- what's next?

PAZ: So we have some questions from our dear friends and listeners about the series that I think maybe we can weigh in on and help answer. So I guess we can take turns reading this. I can start. We got an email from Keesh. And I will read it out. "Thank you for cursing us with the knowledge of the ball-centric cosmology of the Warrior cats. It is cursed. I do have some stories about my Warrior Cats days that I'll share in the future as they're relevant. The ball talk did remind me of my Warrior Cats RP forum having a 'special cave,' where we would describe cats going to together and then describe a fade to black. I'm curious to learn more about the overall horniness of the Warrior Cats world, and would like to discover if the fuck cave from my RP forum is inspired by an inherent horniness of the world of the Warriors or was a horse.com original." So, where do we weigh in on the horniness so far?

JULIAN: I think it's a little column A, little column B.

LIZ: Yeah, mm-hmm.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: The seeds of it are there.

JULIAN: Because like our Warrior Cats RP forum also had a cave where we would describe like a fade to black. And so I don't know if that was like just a thing in the wider cultural landscape of Warrior Cats RP forums, um,

PAZ: Well, on neopets.com, it was not, but that's probably because it was heavily moderated forums for children.

JULIAN: Yeah, I mean, again it was you know, oh they lick each other's ears or something. And fade to black.

PAZ: Who knows what's going on in there.

JULIAN: Because we were all like, 12, and didn't know anything, and should not have been RPing anything more than that.

PAZ: And also they're cats.

JULIAN: And also they're cats. Um.

PAZ: Yeah, I can't like super remember from the future books, but I feel like I mean there is like a lot of romance in the books, but I feel like it focuses more on like the drama of it than the other stuff, because they're cats. But there is like, I think the author is trying to like convey cat attraction gets weird, as we've seen with that sweet breath.

LIZ: Uh-huh.

JULIAN: Yeah. Yeah, so I think it's-- I come down on it's both. It's the series is a little-- is inherently like trying to convey cat attraction in a way that reads very horny.

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: It's just that from like the first few chapters we hear about balls. That's it.

PAZ: Yeah, there is a lot of balls talk, but.

JULIAN: The balls talk itself is not horny, though.

PAZ: No, but it's like related to like this weird focus on like having kids, I guess, I don't know.

LIZ: Yeah, I guess, like, just the presence of like cats can-- you know, the cats can have kids, obviously, and they're going to show the kids being there. It's like unspoken, I guess.

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: I think where I come down is, I don't think the books are trying to be horny, but I think the authors are struggling with how to convey, like nonhuman attraction and hence it comes off, weird.

LIZ: Yeah, I guess, cause they're cats, the only way you can really talk about is like scent and other things that cats do that are like normal. They like--

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Right.

LIZ: They smell like little, little leafs and stuff, too, and that's just part of their life.

JULIAN: Right, like it's normal for cats to smell each other and lick each other. It's just that when humans do that...

PAZ: Yeah, it's kind of like a weird like a side effect of this clash of like trying to be realistic with the cats but also like very anthropomorphizing their like personalities and like thinking. So. Does someone want to read the next one?

JULIAN: Sure. This is from Alix. "Do you guys think Bluestar was intentionally gaming the system by naming Rusty Firepaw? She knew about the prophecy and she's a smart cat. I definitely would have done something like that in her position." This is a very good question.

PAZ: This is a great question that I didn't think of.

JULIAN: I also did not of that.

PAZ: But I love to think of it.

JULIAN: But it's a great concept.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, I do think Bluestar is very smart.

JULIAN: She's extremely savvy.

PAZ: Yeah, so I could see you're doing something like that, which would be extremely funny.

LIZ: She didn't have to name him Firepaw. She could have named him like Orangetail, but she didn't.

JULIAN: Well, it also brings up the question of like, if it had been Smudge playing in the forest, would she even have been like, come join our clan? Or did she specifically need an orange cat?

PAZ: Oh, that's a good question but then I guess--

JULIAN: That makes her sound shadier than I think she is, though.

PAZ: But I mean, I guess like it really is all fate because Firepaw had the right personality to become a warrior. But maybe that was like-- that did push her to like let him in, like, even beyond just his personality. She's like, wait a second.

JULIAN: That was the nudge.

PAZ: This cat's orange.

LIZ: Have you guys heard the thing about like how, for some reason, some science reason that I don't know about, like most orange cats are like boys, and they're also very dumb?

PAZ: Yeah.

LIZ: The very dumb part is not scientific, but

PAZ: I think it's accurately reflected here in this book.

JULIAN: Yep. Yeah, I knew about the boy thing. The dumb thing tracks from what I know of orange cats.

PAZ: Yeah, it's like there's no science behind it, but you know, there's a lot of anecdotal evidence, I think.

JULIAN: It's like how everyone says torties are really mean. Or like cranky.

PAZ: Yeah, which I also think is true.

JULIAN: Which I also think is true.

LIZ: I love them both.

PAZ: All cats are queens.

LIZ: They are.

PAZ: Except Tigerclaw.

LIZ: Who's a bitch.

PAZ: Um, yeah, I guess, I guess what I weigh in on this question is, I think she could be. And if she is, I support her.

JULIAN: Yeah, my answer is I don't know if there's textual evidence for it, but I think it's cool as hell, so it happened.

LIZ: Yep, same here.

JULIAN: Oh sorry, there's a big helicopter.

LIZ: Yeah, I'm pretty much in the same camp for that, it's cool.

Do you want to read the next one, Liz?

Sure. "Do all the random kits in this book actually grow up to become-- sorry, to be characters? I feel like they don't, so that's something to keep an eye on. Example: chapter 11, page 131. 'He recognized the little tabby Yellowfang had hissed at the day before. Sitting next to him was a fluffy gray kit no more than two months old. A tiny black kit and a small tortoiseshell stood beside them.'"

PAZ: So I went and did some research into this before the show to try and answer this question, cause I think it's also a very good question. So I went to the Warriors Cat wiki and found out that every chapter in the books has like its own wiki page.

LIZ: Whoa.

JULIAN: Wow.

PAZ: With a summary, and also like a cast of characters that appear in it. So in chapter nine where this excerpt is from, in the Characters Minor section, it does say "unnamed gray and white kit, unnamed tabby kit, unnamed tabby queen." So, yeah, I think maybe they're just non-characters.

JULIAN: Yeah, I also wouldn't put it past, given my-- like, what I know of the Warriors series where no character can be allowed to die and not have a backstory, I wouldn't be surprised if there's like a ThunderClan warrior in one of the later series who like could conceivably be these kits. But also I am not willing to do the deep dive into the Warriors wiki that that would require.

PAZ: I mean, I trust the Warriors wiki that they would list them like if they knew so I think the fact that they just put like unnamed kit seems like no one was able to really trace it.

JULIAN: If anyone could find it, it would be the good folks at the Warriors wiki.

PAZ: Yes, they're very thorough. There's also an errors mentioned in this chapter, which is "Yellowfang is mistakenly mentioned as pale gray." So they're on top of their shit.

LIZ: [gasps] She's not? What color is she?

PAZ: I think she's like dark gray.

LIZ: I see.

PAZ: It's not the right shade of gray.

LIZ: I was like, I do just like seeing just a description of just a whole bunch of small cats.

PAZ: Yes, it's very good.

LIZ: I'm very easy to please this book is-- just talks about a whole bunch of different cats, and I'm like, mm-hmm, literature.

PAZ: Yeah, and this kind of goes into the next thing that Alix pointed out, which is, "in general, I feel that the size of ThunderClan is super unclear in this book," which I also agree with.

LIZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, I mean, it's saying like, they don't have enough like warriors. But I don't know if like they name every single warrior, or if there are just like unnamed background characters like with the kits. I don't know.

JULIAN: Yeah, there's definitely like-- like there is the allegiances section at the beginning of the book, but like any cat that doesn't have a name isn't included in it. So, it's not like a-- it's just a list of the cats who are characters and not a list of like everybody.

PAZ: Yeah, but I mean, really, how large can a cat clan be? I have seen a like stray cat colony before. Like, there was one by this like apartment complex. They were like stray in the sense that like people would put out food for them, not-- they weren't like hunting. I mean, they were hunting, but they weren't warriors. And it was quite large, so.

JULIAN: they usually don't get above like 30 to 50, right? That's me making shit up, or like vaguely--

PAZ: That sounds right but I mean, that's a lot to me. I don't--

JULIAN: Yeah, no, that's a lot. Like that's not--

PAZ: I would love to be surrounded by 30 to 50 cats.

JULIAN: Feral cats, though?

PAZ: No.

LIZ: Just get the Temptations, then they won't be feral. Then you can change them.

JULIAN: Oh.

LIZ: Tempt them to this side.

JULIAN: Great news. The Warriors wiki page for cat.

LIZ: Yes?

PAZ: Yes?

JULIAN: Does talk about feral cats. "The name for a feral cat colony can also be called a clowder."

LIZ: Whoa. What?

PAZ: What? That sounds cool, but what?

JULIAN: Yep, and they usually live in groups of, like, three to 25, it says.

PAZ: Oh, okay.

JULIAN: Oh my god, this article is really detailed.

PAZ: I mean, this is the base of the whole book.

JULIAN: "Cats are small furry quadrupeds. They possess flexible bodies, quick reflexes, sharp teeth, retractable front claws, and non-retractable hind claws." It's like, this is the Warrior Cats wiki. We all know what a cat is.

LIZ: No, we don't. What is a cat, really? Think about it.

JULIAN: We start talking about the circulatory system, cat blood types.

PAZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Their skeletal and musculature.

PAZ: Just link to Wikipedia.

LIZ: Oh my god. That's amazing. Nothing but respect for this.

JULIAN: This is like, this is reminding me of the Star Wars wiki that has an entry for breasts.

LIZ: Oh no.

PAZ: Oh yes.

LIZ: What? Wait. No?

PAZ: Oh yeah.

LIZ: No.

PAZ: Wait, I gotta go find that.

JULIAN: I'm sorry, Liz.

LIZ: I don't enjoy that. I do--

JULIAN: It's all listed in-- it's all written in past tense.

PAZ: Okay. Oh my g--

LIZ: What?

PAZ: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

JULIAN: I'm crying about the image.

PAZ: The image. Are you there? Are you there, Julian?

JULIAN: I just linked it and so the image is in the chat.

LIZ: No!

PAZ: No, no no no no no, no. The page I am on does not have that image.

JULIAN: Oh, what page-- oh, I'm on the Legends tab and not the Canon tab. Sorry, I gotta click over to the Canon ta-- [shriek-laughs]

LIZ: No! That's worse!

PAZ: So the image--

JULIAN: I'm sorry, okay.

PAZ: The image featured on the page Breasts on wookiepedia.com is Kylo Ren shirtless.

LIZ: [muffled] No.

JULIAN: It's the picture where he's got his pants pulled up so high.

PAZ: Where he looks extremely square.

JULIAN: The caption is "Ben Solo reveals his chests."

PAZ: Whoever did that, thank you.

JULIAN: Good news, "Appearances: since breasts reasonably appear in every piece of Star Wars media, this list only includes specific mentions of them." Sorry. When you click over to the Legends tab, it's a picture of somebody. Some blue lady from Star Wars, who has tentacle hair, and she's got her tiddy out.

PAZ: It says "a sleeping Aayla Secura reveals a breast."

LIZ: That's such a way of phrasing it.

PAZ: Anyway, I love fan wikis. Never change.

LIZ: There is a whole subsection called "Role in Males." I will not read it. I just wanted to point out that that's there. No, I--

Ah, Wookiepedia.

There's another section called "Non-mammals with Breasts."

PAZ: Oh no. I think we need to-- we gotta get away from this.

JULIAN: We gotta, we gotta come back around to Alix's final question.

LIZ: Please.

PAZ: Yeah. Please read it. Go ahead.

JULIAN: "Where are Ravenpaw's parents? I feel like they have to be dead, given his treatment in the book. Frowny face." Um, I did a little bit of quick wiki research just now. And we know that he has parents and we know their names. Their names are Robinwing and Fuzzypelt.

LIZ: What?

PAZ: Oh my god.

LIZ: Oh my god.

JULIAN: Yes, yes, Fuzzypelt was his dad and Robinwing was his mom.

PAZ: That's perfect.

LIZ: The best name for a dad cat, holy shit.

JULIAN: But unfortunately I cannot determine the timeline of both of their deaths. Um, but uh, Robinwing had three litters with Fuzzypelt.

PAZ: Was Ravenpaw in the last one?

JULIAN: And then also a son with another mate.

PAZ: Oh.

JULIAN: But um, I'm not sure what the timeline is on that.

PAZ: Let me go take a quick look.

JULIAN: Yeah, she's also Longtail's mom with Patchpelt.

PAZ: Well, Longtail's definitely older than Ravenpaw.

JULIAN: For sure. Yeah. Are the cats polyamorous?

PAZ: I don't think so.

LIZ: I guess. No? Yes?

PAZ: I don't-- No.

JULIAN: It doesn't seem like they are, but this, uh...

PAZ: Maybe her first guy died before her.

LIZ: Oh yeah, is she widowed?

PAZ: Sadly, I don't think the cats are.

LIZ: They do kind of have a at least like a like village raises the kids situation, right?

JULIAN: Yeah, that's nice.

LIZ: Even if they're monogamous. There seems to be like a, like a group that takes care of all the cat like kids. The kittens. There's a word for that.

JULIAN: Yeah. Okay, so it's unclear when Robinwing dies, but Fuzzypelt enters the elders' den before Bluestar becomes a leader.

PAZ: So I'm inclined to say yes, they're dead based on that.

JULIAN: That would be my guess. Yeah.

PAZ: Yeah, but I don't know if-- maybe they just haven't come up yet, but I don't know if we've seen Graypaw's parents either. But he seems more well-adjusted, so maybe they're there.

LIZ: How often do like the kids see the parents? Cause they seem to--

PAZ: Well, every day presumably. They're all in the same clan.

LIZ: Yeah, that's true. I don't know. I guess we see mostly just like the training and hanging around stuff instead of like home life.

JULIAN: Yeah, I'm very-- this timeline does not make sense to me. Because Ravenpaw cannot be more than a couple months old if he's still an apprentice or like a year old at the most. And like Bluestar has been a leader for a bit.

PAZ: Plot hole. Cinema Sins ding.

JULIAN: Ding! I think the lore bible needed some updates here. This is what happens when you give all your cats elaborate backstories,

PAZ: Really, you could just say unknown, unknown parent.

JULIAN: Yep.

PAZ: But I think I think Ravenpaw has orphan vibes, for sure.

JULIAN: He does, he definitely does. I can't imagine that his parents would be like yeah it's totally find that our kid is like incredibly anxious. All the time.

PAZ: Yeah, yeah. Also if like I heard my kid got sent to fucking snake hell rocks, and like came back with a snake, I'd be like, what the hell.

LIZ: Fuzzypelt rolls up to the Warriors PTA meeting like, what. Where did you take my child? Excuse me?

PAZ: Poor Ravenpaw, he deserves some parents.

JULIAN: I know. How come Firepaw gets two moms, and Ravenpaw doesn't have any?

PAZ: Oh, not fair.

LIZ: Firepaw has protagonist hair, that's why.

PAZ: Well, that was all the questions we got, um. Thank you so much everyone for sending them in. They were very fun to answer and research. Anyone else have any pressing closing thoughts?

JULIAN: Just that if you have any more questions, send them to us at [email protected].

PAZ: Yeah.

JULIAN: And we will try to answer them.

PAZ: Yeah, I'd love to do a question segment every once in a while and really dig into that lore.

LIZ: Yeah.

PAZ: So for next week we're going to be reading chapters 15 through 18. So if you're reading along, that's where we'll be at. Thanks everyone for tuning in and may StarClan light your path.

[outro music]

Bye.

LIZ: Bye.

JULIAN: Bye y'all.

#into the wild ep #transcript #ep 03 #firepaw's two moms

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