#but dang it i want the other people on tumblr to feel happy!

[my-ruthless-zoyalai]

today i got dressed while wearing my headphones and listening to stay stay stay on loop while jumping around my room stimming. i wore a dress for the first time in probably over a year. i looked in the mirror and felt really really good about myself.

baby steps, okay guys?

love yourself.

[kinda-indecisive]

I just don't understand why people who already hated the original story of Hades and Persephone even bothered reading a retelling of it in the first place...

Of course there is an age gap...

Of course the main characters are bougie, rich, and disconnected from the problems of piddly little mortals...

Of course Hades is a dry, grumpy, depressed, jerk before meeting Persephone...

Of course Persephone has anger issues and of course Hades is going to let her do as she damn well pleases in the realm he made her the queen of...

All of the gods in the original myths were flawed and, ironically, extremely human. To insist the characters in the retelling be anything otherwise is bizarre.

And yeah, some of the other Deities got screwed over in this one. But was there not supposed to be any antagonists?? And for me, in a society that tends to turn Zeus into the Christian idea of God (but with a lightning bolt!) and Hades into the Christian idea of the Devil, I was happy to see different Deities in a different light.

Lore Olympus was originally intended to be a Super Soapy Soap Opera, and that was perfectly okay. The Gods are perfect fodder for that kind of story. And I still think Rachel was goaded into turning it into a think piece. And then when the think piece wasn't as deep as people wanted, they turned into an angry hoard on tumblr, reddit, etc., completely swarming the story's tags with negativity (there is a difference between genuine criticism and simply being nitpicky).

I genuinely beg y'all to create your own retelling. Or write a fanfic that fixes everything you don't like! One, because it's not as easy as you think to write and draw a story on a deadline all while keeping everyone happy. And two because, hey, I'm excited for any content about the Greek Gods! If you think you can do better, give it a shot! And if it's good, I'll happily admit it. I might even become your number-one fan lol

I dunno. I'm just extremely sad that I couldn't even fully enjoy the ending of a series that really meant a lot to me because I knew before it even came that people were going to tear it to pieces...

And I don't want to block the "lore olympus criticism" tags because I'm not anti-criticism and some people have genuine points; there is a list of things I wish were included in the story and there are things that I didn't particularly love.

But dang... some of y'all are vicious. It kinda feels like y'all enjoy making fans of the series feel like idiots...

A bunch of Anton Ego's from Ratatouille lol

[caffeine-clouds]

What Your Favourite Sonic Ship Says About You! (Part 1)

(Sonamy, Sonadow, Sonally) FULL DISCLAIMER: Shipping is a hot topic of debate, but this post is lighthearted fun! I'm a multi-shipper, I love most of these ships - and I can see why some people like the dynamics that I might not. This is not a bashing post, this is fun time. So, without further ado- Sonamy

You appreciate the simpler things in life. You decided to ship the protagonist with the main girl character just like 90% of all media writers, it's just what you're comfortable with. In terms of fanfiction tropes, do you happen to enjoy childhood sweethearts, meet-cutes, soulmates - that type of thing? I just had a feeling... Either way, you're just here for the cute vibes and the pining - and who can blame you? You probably really liked the fact that when you first came across the ship that it was the girl of the pair being the one so forward with her romantic feelings. But as time has gone on - you're either one of those people that really miss that side of Amy, or you're one of those that are so dang grateful they've toned her down. Either way, it's safe to say that this is one of the most vanilla of Sonic ships - and that's not an insult, vanilla is a good ice cream flavour. But no one is really going to fight you on your opinion other than the 5% of remaining toxic Sonally shippers, and those people that are somehow still living in the Sonic Heroes era. Sonadow

You saw that Sonic and Shadow's rivalry has been going on for far longer than 7 years, so it must be gay - and honestly, I can't fault your logic. You're a sucker for two disasters who can't express their feelings, and you have just determined that fighting is simply their love language. Even with Shadow's limited screen time in Prime, you suck every single dang crumb you're given like a vacuum. And by the way, you definitely have an Ao3 account - don't try and hide it. We already know you're a sucker for enemies/rivals to lovers... and I'd also wager you enjoy just-one-bed. Also you like that thing where characters constantly call each other by a nickname, and only end up calling them by their actual name during a confession scene or when one of the characters is seriously injured. I dunno, just had a hunch you'd like that sort of thing. You are debating between two sides of yourself - part of you wants Shadow's old characterization back where he was a more in-depth character and showed Sonic more respect, but part of you also loves how so damn obsessive Shadow is in modern games over Sonic and how much he wants to fight him - because that at least implies that Sonic is on Shadow's mind literally most of the time. But when all is said and done, this is vanilla when it comes to gay ships in the Sonic community. It's too damn easy, it's why it's the most popular Sonic ship on Tumblr. This ship was made for the LGBTQ+ community. Sonally

Opposites attract is your go-to, and it's been tried and tested - the formula works, I see it. You strike me as the person who really cares about canon material, and you tend to steer away from a lot of fanon. I also have a strong feeling you're a Sonic fan that's on the older side, back when SatAM and Archie were at their peak and considerably more popular. It's a ship with all the things you need to be happy - the characters have a deep, long-lasting bond, it's a sweet ship, and the two have constrasting personalities - so it doesn't get stale for you. You're probably into similar tropes as the Sonamy shippers - but you enjoy more drama and spice to your fanfics, and you won't shy away from angst - Archie loved its angst, I know you enjoyed that shit. You're either content with all the Sonally content you've gotten over the years, and will occassionally look at fanarts. Or you're one of those people who will not let the Archie comics go, you are still in denial - you are begging for Sally's return into the series and you're hoping now that Ian Flynn is writing for the games, that your dreams might just become a reality.

[bokettochild]

i completely understand the whole argument about wanting a community and a place to feel where you belong but a big problem that many people had with the discord server was that is was advertised in the main "linked universe" tag. because of that, every queer person who was looking at that tag would have seen a post calling them predatory. again, i understand wanting to have your own space, but if you really don't like a group of people and you come into their main space and tell them that you don't like them, they are allowed to have a bad reaction.

Well dang! Why didn't people lead with that?

Yeah, it's one thing to have your own space, it's another to make a shared space feel unsafe, no matter who's doing it.

I feel like suggesting they not use the fandom tags has already been done though, huh?

Maybe (hey, Christian folks, this one IS for you) it would be best to have our own space? Like... a place were we can be free, but not harm. A Discord server might work better than having a small community within a larger one here on tumblr.

While I respect the freedom all people have to speech, I do understand that no one wants to be in their fandom space and find content that paints them as a monster. As someone who sees Christians displayed as such in a lot of modern media, I do in fact speak from experience (yes I have a specific show in mind here).

While being targeted and pushed out of the fandom is not fair or right, making the fandom space feel toxic isn't either, no matter who is doing it.

Feel free to keep being you! Please, yes, be a Christian! But don't be out here treating others like scum, because that hurts everyone: the people you're talking about, the people like me who aren't involved but have to handle the lashback and hate for something we didn't do, and of course those who said/did it to begin with. It does nobody any good to stand in the center of town and say unkind things, which is basically what I'm hearing has been happening. Maybe, if you want to share your thoughts, share them with people who want to hear, not in public places where they will hurt and damage?

I know how it feels to be the one getting trash talked; I got targeted back in 2020 for saying I wouldn't write gay ships, and I had.... a really tough time handling the lashback. Like, I had to quit my job, the stress was so bad! Don't do that to people!

To EVERYONE: If you want a space, by all means, go make one and be happy! But don't turn a space for enjoying art and stories into a political war zone, because nobody wants that, and those of us here for the story may end up leaving it to avoid the chaos, thus harming the artist and not just the viewers.

Be respectful guys.

[kedsandtubesocks]

hi erika! 

to say the vibes have been off lately would be an understatement, wouldn’t it? because there has been a lot of negativity, too much for a place that is supposed to be about finding an outlet for your creativity and people to share your interests.

i know it has been difficult, draining to be around here and face all the discourse cankering the fandom. 

because of all this negativity, i believe it is important to try and balance it out with some kindness. so here i am, doing a little check-up on you <3

so first, how are you, really?

everything you feel regarding what is happening is valid and you deserve to feel happy and safe around here. so please, make sure you take the time you need from posting, from sharing fics, even just from being on the platform. i want you to know it’s okay and i support whatever you decide, for whatever reason.

i also want you to know that you have your place here, as much as the rest of us. you’re loved and wanted and i can assure you the fandom is a far better place with you in it.

i hope you’re taking care of yourself outside of tumblr as well. please remember to stay hydrated and to eat something 🫶🏼

now i would like you to sit back and enjoy the perfect, quiet night in with javi <3

do not hesitate to reach out if you need to talk, i’m here for you! sending you all my love and so many hugs 🫂

anna 💗

Oh Anna this was incredible and felt like the warmest hug ever thank you so much for taking the time to write this lovely message out and send it my way

I know it’s been hard for all of us and my heart aches knowing how badly it’s impacted so many dear friends and other creators and tbh I’ve been considered taking a step back from writing too /:

But then I think about where I was a year ago posting my first Pedro fic and still feeling so out of the fandom

And now, to be here connected with so many beautiful people, just being here getting to talk to you - was the reminder I needed to know I belong here. That we all belong here even on the dark days we feel so lost and everything feels so sticky and awful

Exactly like what you said ����

My heart still goes out to everyone who’s deciding to take a step away and I support them a million percent because I truly do get it and completely understand

Everyone’s mental health and safety comes first always 🤍

Maybe it’s all the dang sailor moon I watched as a kid that argued how love always wins but I have to believe true pure connection between us is what will help fill the dark spaces and slowly let us heal in the ways we need too and this message just felt like the most beautiful confirmation of that 🩷

So my dear Anna thank you, for this and for so much more… YOU make this fandom so special and I’m so eternally grateful for you and appreciate you beyond words 💗

Please take care and I hope you get some rest too and I hope something extra special and magical happens to you, I’m sending you all my love 💌✨

And also omg the Javi P mood board oh wow 🥺 it’s so cozy and warm and makes me miss our favorite DEA agent so much 😭💕

[star-going-supernova]

Fanwork creators self rec! When you get this, reply with your five favorite fics/art/podfics/etc. that you've made, then pass on to others. Let’s spread the self-love 🌼

(No pressure if you don't want to though!)

What a wonderful ask to wake up to! A tall order, tho, so I had to think about this for a bit, and it was harder than I thought it'd be. I've got a lot of favorites! Here are my top five favorite works of my own, not in any particular order:

The Art of Being Alive — Bendy and the Ink Machine

What would you expect if your former best friend wanted to see you again after seven years of silence?  Not this, Henry thought viciously as he swung his axe back and forth, like a murderous metronome. Never this. Or; an AU where Joey invites Henry back after less than a decade, because he discovers that only Henry’s drawings work in the Ink Machine. It's all downhill from there.

Of course this story is on my list. TAoBA was my first big project, fic or otherwise, and it will always hold a special place in my heart. I learned so much by writing this story, and while I'd do some things differently now, after years more practice and experience, TAoBA still makes me so incredibly proud. I met a lot of friends and amazing people through this fic, genuinely had so much fun with it, and I credit it and BatIM as a whole for where I am today as a fic writer.

• • •

Side Effects of Friendship — Little Nightmares

Six deciding to save Mono in the Signal Tower was only the beginning.  (this is a good-end, no-loop AU of my own making, as part of my quest to give these kids a happy ending)

Is it cheating to put a whole series as just one entry? I say no, lol. This AU and series is one of my favorites for a number of reasons. It's a very cohesive story, which I'm super proud of, and the journey I put the kids through mentally, emotionally, and physically was just so dang fun to write. I was super excited as I worked up to and hinted at the surprise twist at the end, and I really enjoyed taking this nightmarish world and expanding it in my own way. The themes of healing really seemed to resonate with a lot of people, and that also makes me super proud of this set of stories.

• • • 

Flood and Firestorm — Bendy and the Ink Machine

But it must have paused near his corridor because there was no way to ignore it. And the words registered. “…the Ink Demon’s refusal to terminate. Keepers have administered quarter hourly sessions of physical tortures—” Henry’s eyes snapped up. The kindling caught. (Henry overhears a Keeper making an audio log about how they're torturing the Ink Demon and goes ballistic.)

I've got a lot of BatIM fics that I'm super proud of, but this one makes the list because I am just so pleased and proud of a lot of the language in this fic. This was one of the first ones I wrote upon my return to the BatIM fandom, and I love it a whole lot. Henry gets to go a little bit feral, too, and that was a genuine blast to write. I've returned to reread this one a whole bunch of times.

• • •

93% Stardust — Godzilla

Indignation on his behalf, lingering irritation at Monarch, determination to help—she held on to those feelings. They’d gotten her this far, and if she forget why she was about to throw herself headfirst into the head of a giant mech with Ghidorah of all monsters at the helm, then she might as well give up now.  She slid the helmet on, squeezing her eyes shut as she did, and it was like being struck by lightning.  It was like becoming lightning. (I can't be the only one who wanted Maddie to get in the pilot seat, c'mon)

This one makes the list solely because of how much I love the final product. The abstract section was so much fun to write, and I still love the idea of Maddie getting into Mechagodzilla's head. The self-indulgence for this one was off the charts, which makes this one of my favorites!

• • •

Poetic Justice — Five Nights at Freddy's

tumblr prompt: In one world, Glitchtrap is nothing but Afton and code, forcing Vanessa into the role of Vanny in order to create Afton a new body. In another, Glitchtrap is Spring Bonnie’s original personality (before Afton), and he and Vanessa are looking for the last remains of Afton in order to destroy it for good… and just watched Gregory casually find it after months of searching. (Or, Vanessa's going to have a headache by the end of tonight.)

This one might be a surprise to some people, but I absolutely love this one-shot. The concept, the characters, the potential... it all just ticks a few very specific boxes in my brain, lol. I've gone back to reread this one many times, and I usually end up imagining different first meetings between Gregory and Michael afterward.

• • •

Honorable Mentions:

Taking the Plunge — Godzilla

This one didn't make the cut only because I had other favorites. If the list was a Top 6 or 7 favorites, this one would have been on it too.

Heavy as a Hurricane — Godzilla

I still hope to finish this one eventually, but it's an honorable mention because every time I reread it, I go "dang, hope the author updates someday, this is really good" before remembering that... ah. Yes. The author is me.

Body and Soul — Bendy and the Ink Machine

It was my first story back in the BatIM fandom after years away. Love, love, love the concept still.

the line between freedom and surrender — Bendy and the Ink Machine

This one nearly made the list because it really hits the spot for me. I'm really proud of the dialogue in this one.

see what i've become (i will no longer feed the machine) (strings 'verse) — Five Nights at Freddy's

I'm very proud of the healing in this series, in the first and last stories especially.

[aeori-o]

Happy New Year! 1/3 (Tumblr why)

My oldest posts that I did for New Year’s just started with that very simple title and I’m feeling nostalgic. But I also like the ‘Farewell’ of 2021 so I guess we’ll see what I stick with as time goes on. (Also dang, would you look at that, fucking COVID is still around.)

Part 2 || Part 3

It’s funny, the more time goes on the more I actually want (as in: I remember and am then driven) to get stuff done ahead of time. All through school (which was forever ago) I really struggled with doing any task that wasn’t immediate. Homework didn’t exist until the night before (and the only reason I didn’t forget entirely was because I talked to people who would ask if I was done and I’d go Oh Shit), any basic task anyone asked me to do I would forget existed because it couldn’t be done immediately (and I also chaffed under tasks being sprung on me out of nowhere that had to be done immediately). Now I get the urge to do things ahead of time, with the same focus and drive that usually only showed up when something was ‘due’. The former is still a problem for a lot of things but somehow my brain has decided that sometimes we can and will remember to do a task ahead of time and get it done.

Which is to say I am currently writing this from December 26, 2023 and whenever I get tired of writing it today I’ll pick up tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after, until I post it. I just decided: Fuck it, instead of binge-writing this right at the end of the year we’re basically at the end of the year and I just want to chill the fuck out. I just had a mad dash to write something for my sister I don’t want to mad-dash write again. I think I wrote last year’s write-up a few days before but this time I want to be so deliberately chill. I just want to gently coast up to the new year. Which is good because I did a stupid amount of things this year and this has been the longest year-wrap-up I’ve ever done. Is anyone actually going to read this to the end? Maybe but these are mostly for me. I always like scrolling back through these and this year is a doozy. Who gave me the gumption to do so much stuff. And despite all that I just said It is January 1st and I am mad-dashing writing the second half of this and editing it.

Without further ado let’s get into it.

I dropped my goal to 25 books because I was in the last week of the year at 26 out of 30 books read like “yeah I can read 4 books in a week” and then I was like “yeah but… fuck it let’s not.” Why barrel towards the end of the year, panic reading books to reach some arbitrary number I set for myself. That’s not really how I want to read and experience books so… I won’t. I read 26 books this year and 17 graphic novels for a total of 43. Which is only 4 lower than my total from last year so despite reading a lot less that’s not bad at all.

I kept it the same as the previous year: Read for 30m a day, catch up days allowed. At this point what I usually wind up doing is reading a lot on one day and counting it toward multiple days. Same amount of time reading, but doing it in chunks. If I read for 6 hours on one day I highlight 12 days (30 minutes a day) on the calendar. That might sound confusing but my main focus is having spent the time reading and doing a task every single day just does not work with my brain.

I do it this way because the time-spent is the same but filling out a calendar like this is way more satisfying than just highlighting one day that I spent a lot of time reading on. Anyway as you can see my summer was largely spent not reading. A huge chunk of my summer my brain was taken up by wrapping my sister’s car (more on that later), from May to August I basically read almost nothing. It’s hard to remember to highlight in the calendar for other tasks I do (especially when it’s a task where I don’t know exactly how much of my time it will be taking up) but I do think it would be fun to be able to have a highlight calendar (or time track in some other way) to be able to see what I was doing when something didn’t happen on another calendar. I don’t have a super feasible way to set that up, though (as fun as it would be) so I don’t think I’ll be doing that.

Anyway, as always, I love the goodreads yearly recap:

Once again my average rating is “high” not because every book I read this year ruled but because I now use stars as a “would recommend”, “would probably recommend”, “my feelings are so Nothing I neither recommend nor not recommend”, “mostly don’t recommend”, and “do not read this” instead of the recommended level of how much I liked it. This means not a lot of books wind up below 3 stars anymore. I am also increasingly perplexed when I look at reviews for a book, see someone said nothing but good things about a book… and rated it three stars. It’s like dang, what does three stars mean to you.

I was shocked to see how few people had shelved The Game of 100 Candles though. I don’t know if people are scared away from it because that series is technically part of a table top role-playing game universe but the books absolutely stand up as their own thing. I’ll talk about it more in a bit, and then probably again when the final book comes out. But here’s the wall of books I read this year:

When I was thinking about what I read this year I could only really think of the books I had read recently and was like “man I don’t think I really read anything super good this year” but I did have some fun, cozy reads in there. So as has become custom I’m going to talk about some. Just so I don’t keep going forever I’m going to do a ‘top five’ kind of thing and then some honorable mentions.

As mentioned I was utterly shocked that Marie Brennan’s The Game of 100 Candles was shelved so few times and looking back at the first book, The Night Parade of 100 Demons, it’s only been rated 132 times (which is still 100 times more than the second book). This series isn’t done yet but it’s such a delightful and heartwarming read. It’s basically this quiet samurai from a smaller clan who has a lot of secrets he has to keep a lid on for the best of his clan and himself who has to figure out what’s going on with the demons/yokai in this village on the edge of their territory. Meanwhile another, bigger and more wealthy, clan has sent one of their much more extroverted scholars to the same village to also see what’s going on. They both have things to hide from each other but wind up falling for each other. It’s a really fun fantasy romp with a very sweet gay relationship that grows out of it.

Then the second book has them re-meeting and understanding the consequences of something they did in the first book so it also has some chronic illness (even if it’s magical and not 1:1 with anything in real life) representation. I’ve found both books very good so far and if anyone reading this is inclined to pick up anything I recommend I really hope it’s these. They’re so good.

So I really, really did not like Uprooted by the same author, Naomi Novik. A friend read this though and liked it overall and my sister-in-law happened to give me her copy (she didn’t like it) so I figured I may as well give it a shot and I was so pleasantly surprised. The way the faeries (which aren’t called faeries but whatever) work in this world is so cool, the magic is so cool, I really loved how the author managed to ride that thin line between everything feeling cohesive and like it ‘makes sense’ while relying on not overly explaining anything which means she had to rely on things ‘intuitively’ making sense which can be very hit or miss. It really hit for me and it was always fun getting to a point in the book where it felt like the plot was winding down only for it to get back up again. I was so delighted by this one I wanted to include it here.

Similarly I wanted to include this duology, The Assassin’s Curse Series by Cassandra Rose Clarke. I’m not sure I recommend them. The narrative voice is a little strong (I think it gets better in the second book but I also might have become desensitized to it) and overall the plot and characters aren’t anything to write home about. It did really scratch an itch I didn’t know I had for the most ridiculous ‘refusing to communicate’ relationship dynamic ever. I had a great time but I mostly wanted to mark these here on my New Year’s post because I read these a decade ago around the same time in the year and they’re a fun marker of how far I’ve come and how much the way I track books has come. I only had a rating for these from 2013, and now I have a long document of notes. I don’t know if I actually will reread these in another decade, but if I do it will be fun to compare how I feel then to how I feel now, and I wish I could have done the same to my 2013 self.

Going forward, though, I do want to re-read something I read a decade ago at least once a year. I think it will be fun especially once I start butting up against the books that do have notes written on them. I had a really good time with these and I want to continue circling back to what I’ve read before.

Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson is a great read even if you’re not doing the exercises inside it. It’s a self-help book which I tend to roll my eyes at (maybe that’s unfair of me) but Dr. Johnson uses examples from her own practice and backs up claims and theories with scientific studies. It’s a really solid and insightful read, it took me a long time to get through because with nonfiction I tend to be much more thorough in my notes and I was reading this at the same time as other books but it was a phenomenal read. Even though it’s catered to romantic-relationships I honestly think it applies and shows insights that are applicable to any close relationship (romantic or platonic). I really enjoyed reading it.

I don’t see asexual characters often so Loveless by Alice Oseman really touched me. It’s funny, the first time I encountered ace representation in a book I really didn’t like it. I was, unfairly, annoyed that the author hadn’t captured my experience. And oh boy do I see a lot of that in the reviews of this book online, non-ace people upset that the asexual lead “shames” sexual people (she just doesn’t get it, which is not the same as shaming someone). Asexual people are upset that this isn’t their experience and remember fellow readers there are other ways of being asexual even though this book pretends there’s only one! (The book is told from one POV, of course it only reflects one experience.) There were things I really related to in this one, and other things I didn’t but overall it was a great read and I am very glad that there is so much more representation to be found in books these days.

So my actual honourable mentions are: Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree which was just a very charming, fun romp. I enjoyed my time with it and look forward to reading the second book. The Deep by Rivers Solomon which was insightful, depressing, and hopeful. It’s very short so if you look up the content warnings and think you can handle it I would absolutely recommend it. And Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata which is a very wild book that is maybe making an argument for fair wages for all or maybe ‘just’ a story about a neurodivergent queen, I don’t know.

The final two books in the Market of Monsters series by Rebecca Schaefer are on there because I mentioned the first book in my write-up for last year and while I overall had a really good time with the series (I find there’s always something almost relaxing about a book/series where the protagonists are terrible people) the ending left something to be desired. I’m not crazy about characters just going ‘yeah, we’re evil and we like it that way’ especially when the rest of the series was the character’s doing “evil” things because the other option was having evil done unto them. Oh well.

And Emily Wilde’s Encyclopaedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett is peeking in because as far as I can tell people love this book (it came out this year and has been popular) but it really didn’t work for me. I’m spoiled because Marie Brennan’s Lady Trent series does what this is trying to do but succeeds, I just could not buy into the fiction that this is this woman’s journal from out in the field. I would enjoy myself when I forgot it was supposed to be a journal and then get annoyed every time I was reminded. I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more if it hadn’t bothered with the “this is a journal” conceit (or if it had done that well) but what can you do. It is a fun book, I get why people like it, but it was driving me wild (in a bad way).

And before I move onto graphic novels here’s some fun stuff from storygraph:

Onto graphic novels.

Ducks by Kate Beaton was the standout one here. Really incredible auto-biographical comic. My Wandering Warrior Existence by Kabi Nagata and The Girl that can’t get a Girlfriend by Mieri Hiranishi which were both really interesting auto-biographical comics that both revolved around sexuality and identity. Kabi Nagata’s comics, in general, can be very stressful to read but they’re so good. And the rest were fun! I was recommended the Given series made by Natasuki Kizu by a friend and it was charming, it’s not done and I haven’t checked in a while if more is out in English but, while charming, it hasn’t really captured me. Harley Quinn: The Animated Series: The Eat. Bang! Kill. Tour by Tee Franklin (and art and colour by Max Sarin and Marissa Louise respectively) was a really delightful little romp—and I have not watched Harley Quinn: The Animated Series. The art is just so freaking cute and while I have basically no knowledge or investment in the DC universe it was really nice seeing Ivy and Harley together. Horizon Zero Dawn: The Sunhawk by Anne Toole (and Ann Maulina doing the art) was mostly just amusing, I think it came out before Horizon Forbidden West did but I happened to read it right in the middle of Talanah’s quest in that game so I read the comic and then got to hear Talanah tell me about it in the game when I played it two days later. And finally The Adventure Zone: The Eleventh Hour was fun and, like always, just made me want to go and relisten to the podcast.

I’m making my goal 30 books again, and if some unforeseen project takes up the majority of my brain space I have no problem with dropping it to whatever it winds up being at the end of the year. And my filled in boxes will count for 30 minutes a day again. I’ve been setting the goodreads goal for the graphic novels to 5 just because chances are I’ll probably read at least five but it’s also not a hard goal.

Last year I mentioned wanting to read one book I own in my tbr pile for every library book I took out and looking at the books (not graphic novels) 15 out of the 26 were ones I owned (or were in my book pile being loaned to me by others) so that’s not bad! (The graphic novels I am also less pressed on this front—I have a small stack of them waiting to be read but 12 graphic novels take a lot less time for me to read than 12 novels.) I am pleased to have 15 fewer books in my tbr pile! Granted, two of those were books I had read a long time ago so they were previously on my not-tbr shelves but… well whatever.

I’m probably going to be watching a few more films after writing this as part of the lead up to New Years (I did, I have changed the numbers to reflect that) but, once again, the amount of movies/shows/etc. I’ve watched has again worked out to be in the 40s. I have watched 46 things this year, which is the exact same amount as last year. I am finding it really interesting that it always seems to work out to being in the 40s. I am extra tickled it’s the exact same amount as last year. Film I don’t really feel any desire nor make any effort to meet any sort of quota each year, I just sort’ve watch what I want to watch (or what I get roped into watching) and for the past four years it seems to work out to low-40s every single time. I am so, so curious to see if this is some sort of bizarre fluke or if this will continue into the future.

Just like with books, because a year is such a long length of time, without tracking what I watched this year it’s easy to sit here at the end of the year thinking I didn’t really see much. But then I look at my list of things I watched and go “holy shit I watched so many good things this year.” The power of tracking things, it’s incredible. As for new films/films-I-watched-for-the-first-time…

There’s some films from this year that I contemplated including on the graphic just to have them easy to spot as a reference point in time—like the Barbie movie and The Last of Us—because they were such big hits and while there’s more I really liked this year I didn’t want to make the image preposterously huge (says guy who wrote this before writing later sections in which they made preposterously huge images). And I also didn’t want to cram everything on in the weirdest way possible like I did last year (why did I do that).

Steph actually had me watch Knives Out and Glass Onion on New Year’s Day (which I don’t remember but that’s what I wrote down) and I really enjoyed both! I had been avoiding them because they just didn’t seem like my kind of thing but I was very glad to have been proven wrong.

I feel like I’ve been mostly out of the anime/manga world for a long time so I was surprised to see how much I had watched this year. Most of it I watched with friends and all of it was a good time even when the shows sucked. Chainsaw Man also surprised me, both because it is (so far) a very good show (I will cry if there is some kind of horrible training arc), and because Steph recommended it after not being sure if they would even finish the first season. I am very glad they did because this show is wicked cool. And then Trigun Stampede was so good that I started re-watching the 1998 show, and then all the friends I watched Stampede with wanted to watch the 1998 show so I stopped, and then nobody watched the 1998 show. Trigun Stampede was overall a delight even if I am mildly perplexed at the 1998 show had way more female characters than the new show does (but also Vash isn’t putting on a weird lecherous front and is just Baby so, it works out).

I waffled on whether or not to included Dungeons & Dragons: Honor among Thieves because it’s not like it was life changing or anything but I had a really good time watching it, and I had a really good time talking about it. It’s just a really fun film that didn’t feel like it was bogged down by trying to be anything else.

The Green Knight I had wanted to see since it came out and finally got around to it this year, twice, because the first time I watched it with someone who will usually fight me on putting on subtitles so I just had no idea what 90% of the words spoken meant the first time I watched it. Despite understanding almost nobody I really enjoyed every other aspect of the film and it was surprisingly watchable. Gorgeous film, great acting, great soundtrack, all over a fantastic time. The second time I watched it was with subtitles on and it still ruled.

It’s been such a long time since I read Nimona. I read it in its entirety when it was still online for free so I don’t know how long ago that was. After watching the film I wondered about going back to re-read it online and found that (I assume since being traditionally published) it’s no longer available. I’m glad for the author but also sad that we live in a capitalist hellscape that can’t let things be free. I have yet to re-read the comic and still plan to but the movie is gorgeous. I am so, so glad that more 3D movies are breaking away from the default style Disney had established when moving to 3D that everyone seemed afraid to stray too far from. I am genuinely so thankful we’re getting 3D movies with style now. Not to go on a tangent but I saw some video (or maybe it was a post?) recently where someone was going on about how the different art styles movies are being made in is now ‘less special’ because everyone is doing it and I don’t understand how someone could think more diverse styles could ever be a bad thing. People don’t do it to be ‘special’ people do it because they see beauty in different ways. Anyway. Nimona made me cry three times. I absolutely recommend it.

And of course, Spider-man: Across the Spider-verse. I went into this not knowing it was a two parter and I think that’s my only real upset with this movie. I was getting so nervous toward the end when I realized the runtime was almost up and there were so many loose ends to tie up, and then I realized it must be a two-parter. I was relieved to be right but also wish I went in knowing so I wouldn’t have to have the HOW ON EARTH ARE THEY GOING TO PULL THIS OFF stress. Otherwise this movie is more gorgeous than the original and I’m really liking where the story is going. I’ve been meaning to re-watch it and haven’t gotten around to it (I could not understand Hobbie on the first viewing) but this movie made me realize that physical media is getting harder to get. All the big stores have basically eradicated their movie/show sections and replaced all of that with one little ‘recent releases’ stand. Older things can still be ordered online but I am very nervous about all our media being in the hands of streaming companies and harder to own.

There were some other things I saw this year like, as mentioned, Barbie and The Last of Us that I also really enjoyed. Steph had me watched Midnight Mass which was sad but good. Vin and I watched the Lockwood & Co adaptation which was surprisingly good (and, of course, cancelled because why market something when you can just decide it failed). I’ve been watching a show called The Afterparty which I’m really enjoying.

I also re-watched a lot of things this year, many with friends.

I found out Vin hadn’t seen Moulin Rouge so I had to fix that. I don’t remember when the last time I watched this movie was but it’s so much fun and it looks like everyone had a good time acting in it. We had actually watched Van Helsing first (which ruled, for some reason in my memory this movie sucked but it was awesome and they do some astonishingly good looking stuff considering its age) and I can’t quite remember how Moulin Rouge came up (I am certain it was RP related, though) but when I realized the Duke in Moulin Rouge was the same actor as Count Dracula in Van Helsing that sealed the deal. I need to watch more of that man’s work, he’s a delight onscreen. I was also just totally shocked that it was Hugh Jackman as Van Helsing. I’m terrible with actors but when one I know is in something like this it’s always surprising to me.

Steph played the original Silent Hill game for all of us (which was also very fun) and we decided to watch the first Silent Hill movie afterwards as well. This was another one I hadn’t watched in years, I probably hadn’t watched it since I was a teen, and by default I seem to assume anything I saw a long time ago probably sucks. Once again I was proven wrong, the film’s not perfect but overall it’s a great watch. The costuming is incredible (especially for the monsters) which I did remember, but also:

Wow she looks awesome. Everyone was hooting and hollering when her helmet came off. (Shame about the jacket, though, and being a cop). And then Steph found us every lesbian amv they could with Cybil and Rose. It ruled.

We watched Darker than Black because, again, Vin had never seen it. I’ve rewatched this show a few times over the years and this is the first time I’ve watched further than Season 1. I didn’t enjoy Season 2 when I originally watched this show and never finished it, and still didn’t like Season 2 this time but the OVA for Season 2 was mysteriously really good. Izanagi’s design was awesome, though, even if nothing else was. The first season was also still really good, really cool, and I always forget about the weird this-must-have-been-inspired-by-Evangelion bit at the end. I will absolutely be watching the first season again at some point in the future, and maybe season 2’s OVA but not the rest. I’m not strong enough.

And I had the pleasure of showing my step-sister Howl’s Moving Castle. She had seen The Boy and the Heron and was interested in watching more Ghibli films and knew I liked them, so I decided to start with the one that everyone I’ve talked to lately says is their favourite Ghibli film (or one of their favourites if they can’t choose). It’s been a while since I last watched Howl and it was great to see it again. Steph and I also watched some more Ghibli films for New Year’s Eve and Princess Mononoke still rules and The Cat Returns remains as charming as ever.

I also rewatched Kill Bill this year which I enjoyed this time around a lot more than I did the last time I watched. Part of me is like: I should also write down my movie/show thoughts. The other part of me is like: Let’s not make homework for ourselves for everything we do. With stuff like this though it’s like man why did it hit so different. I rewatched some other stuff, too, of course but nothing I have much to say about.

I started 32 games this year and finished 32 (and 100%’d 4 of those). Spoilers: A huge chunk of that total number are Humongous Entertainment (HE) games that I played as a child. Let’s get into it.

I don’t know what happened last year with Nintendo’s thing but they are back to giving more info, unfortunately I barely touched my Switch this year.

By which I mean I played it a lot, but only two games. I think I almost exclusively played Splatfests this year after finishing the single player campaign and Pokemon Scarlet I have been picking at so slowly that I am still not done it (DLC just came out but I am still in the middle of the preceding DLC).

I’m assuming I missed the July splatfest, and I also missed the November one though I swear I chose a team so I don’t know what happened there. I guess I just got immediately distracted somehow. You may be wondering where Tears of the Kingdom is because everyone with a Switch played it this year. After hunting down a collector’s copy of Tears of the Kingdom, because I missed the pre-order for it somehow, instead of playing it I, for no real reason, decided I was going to play every single other Zelda instead and end it off with TotK.

So my 3DS and my N64 got more of a workout than my Switch did this year. For my Zelda-replay I mostly want to go in order but I wanted to start with the N64 titles first as those were my childhood Zeldas. Majora’s Mask is my favourite in the franchise, it’s the first Zelda I ever beat, and Ocarina of Time I never beat before starting this project. As a kid my friend’s brother would play on my OoT cartridge (his save file is still on it and I will never get rid of it) and then I’d just go mess around in his file. I was pretty familiar with the young-Link dungeons but almost all of the adult temples were a mystery to me. I got the 3DS version of the game at some point with the intention of finally playing OoT myself… and then still didn’t until this year. So I have now played: Majora’s Mask 3DS, Majora’s Mask N64, Ocarina of Time 3DS, Ocarina of Time: Master Quest 3DS, and before watching Ghibli films Steph and I finished off Ocarina of Time N64.

Images that make you feel nostalgic (I took this when trying to do the archery courses in Majora’s Mask because aiming is very hard when you only have one stick to do it on).

I don’t think I’m going to be playing every version available for the other entries in the Zelda series but as these ones have a special place in my heart and life I thought I’d do them justice that way. I’ve gone from knowing very little about Ocarina of Time to knowing where everything is in the game almost as well as I know Majora. I still think Majora is the stronger game overall and playing it like this it’s really clear to see how Majora, as a direct sequel, was improved on after Ocarina but it definitely has some totally mystifying problems that Ocarina didn’t have. (That said: The 3DS version ruins all the bosses in the game, they’re terrible, the N64 version is much better in how it feels to play. If you are going to play Majora’s Mask I recommend following a walkthrough, I adore this game but it definitely helps that at this point I know it so well that I almost never have to just wait around for things to happen because I can cram other things in if I have to wait for something.)

I don’t know how much time I spent playing the N64 Zeldas, but the 3DS does track that stuff and I played Majora’s Mask 3DS for 29 hours (sometimes a co-worker would play so I’m not sure how much of that time was her messing around) and Ocarina of Time 3D was almost 60 hours (so I’m assuming 30 hours for regular and 30 hours for Master Quest). I’m really looking forward to playing the rest of the Zeldas! My plan right now is to (finally) finish up some other games and play BotW as I play the oldest Zelda games just because it seems like TotK builds off BotW so I’m worried if I do those two in order I’ll wind up burnt out on TotK. I might not, but I also don’t want to risk it. Here’s my graphic for games I wanted to finish this year from last year:

Of the games I said I wanted to finish last year I was right in being so confident about Fahrenheit and Haunting Ground. As games that I was playing for friends it was a lot easier to be on top of them and beat them. Fahrenheit I even 100%’d because I have a weird obsession with 100%ing David Cage games (it was still a terrible game but was very fun to play with friends). Haunting Ground was a delight from start to finish, I know people want a remake but I’m not sure it’s the kind of game that would get made today.

.hack//G.U. I’m not too fussed on not finishing, it’s a long game and I was trying to show it to Vin so I’m not surprised it got lost in the shuffle. Pokemon Scarlet I’m also not fussed on having not finished because its DLC just came out—I beat all the base game stuff but haven’t done the DLC yet (well, I’m partway through the first DLC). That one I’ll finish this year, for sure. .hack//G.U. I’m not sure when I’ll return to it.

Horizon Forbidden West and Pokemon Legends Arceus I’m not sure how they kept slipping behind but I really want to beat those, preferably soon. I’m very good at getting busy with things, though, and then I feel too guilty to play games outside of times when I’m not doing it as a social activity with friends. I need to figure that out. Anyway for this upcoming year the ongoing games I have that I want to beat are:

I didn’t realize until I was reviewing this image that I accidentally went red-blue, blue-red, red-blue and I’m kind of laughing at how that turned out. I realize Folklore is more pink-y and Hades is really dark but the back and forth of red and blue games is amusing to me.

Three of these are the ones that slipped through the cracks this year that I already mentioned. Folklore I’m playing for friends right now (I’m having a good time but also what is even going on) so I’m pretty confident I’ll have that beat sooner than later. Hades I’ve been meaning to get back to forever, I mentioned it in my New Year’s post last year but maybe if I make it as a thing I can check-off next year I’ll actually get to it (or maybe not, who knows). And Tears of the Kingdom is here because that (should) be the last Zelda I play in my weird sudden desire for a Zelda marathon so by getting to and beating that one it means I’ve played all the rest.

Before I go over to steam I wanted to start chronicling the seasons of Fortnite I play through. I count each season as a game-played, and even though the experience is mostly social I still sink as many hours into a season of Fortnite as I would any single other game, so I wanted to start posting the season pictures as a memory-thing. Here they are:

And the most recent season is ongoing and won’t be done until sometime in 2024 (so I’ll post it on next year’s). I find it’s a fun social game to play, easy to hop on and off of, and while there’s a story the game is so gameplay focused that it really doesn’t matter if you do not pay attention to whatever anyone is yammering on about. I was shocked to discover there’s a community of people really into the Fortnite story. Good for them, I’m here to drive cars around the map excessively and be the quest-Adderall for my friends.

A friend had me try Destiny 2 earlier this year but I found the game weirdly ‘hostile.’ The gameplay itself is great, it feels really good to play, but the game does nothing to try and draw new players into the story in a way that feels good. We played for a while, I got up to rank 5 or something? Level 5? There was some weird progression thing and we got through all the basic-stuff and it was really trying to drive us into Lightfall-stuff (I think it was Lightfall that just released at the time) but the story was just incomprehensible. People are telling us to go places and do things and that some-guy is doing something and so on and so forth and it just felt weird. It didn’t help that I was having some bizarre computer issues at the time. I don’t know if I want to play more of it, honestly. I still have it on my computer and keep it updated just in case but I’m starting to wonder if I should free up that 100GB (jesus). Right now I really don’t need to, but I think about it.

The other social game I really got into this year was Plate Up!

I was introduced to it by a streamer, TheScareLab on Twitch, and it is so much fun. It’s a great game for me if I have a few minutes and don’t really want to get into something I can fire it up and work away at trying to make a fully automated restaurant (rng hates me) but it’s also very fun to play with others. Mostly it’s just me and my partner who play but sometimes other folks join in. The screencap is from their Halloween event I was delighting in being able to make hamburgers float in midair. There’s another holiday event on right now, actually, but I’ve been too busy with irl holiday stuff to check it out.

I love the steam recaps, both mine and looking at all my friends’ but I’ll just post mine here--OOPS Tumblr only lets you do 30 images per post and I'm unhinged, I'm unstoppable. To be continued in part two! I'll link it once it's up! Tumblr Why.

Next >>

[inber]

hi! i just read devil like me and it was so good 😭😭😭 i’m not even that into the witcher but that fic has me in a chokehold. hope this isn’t too intrusive, but i was just wondering what happened to the ao3 account that devil like me was posted under? 💖

The short answer is that I'm extremely stupid and forgot to delete the footnotes with my tumblr account in them when I orphaned it, lol

The long answer is that I wrote that fic very early into my witcher fandom journey, and it doesn't represent my views on any of the characters anymore. I wrote it for an audience, not for myself (which is totally fine because dang we all want validation sometimes!) I wrote a lot of 'y/n' fic in the earlier days, I think because it was easy/formulaic for me and I enjoyed the happiness it brought other people. But I didn't feel challenged or like I was bringing anything new to the table. I think 'DLM' in particular is representative of those feelings. I didn't want to delete it completely because I know some folks were enjoying it, and I hate the idea of getting rid of someone's comfort fic. So the solution was to put it onto a little raft and push it into the AO3 ocean.

I am very glad you enjoyed it, anon, and I hope this sates your curiosity! Nothing happened to my AO3 account, it's still 'inber'. ❤️

[howthesleeplesswander]

GET TO KNOW THE AUTHOR

Name: Casi

Pronouns: she/her

Preference of communication: Tumblr IMs are great for chatting and plotting! 😊 If we're mutuals you can always feel free to message me!

Name of most active muse(s): Kaeya, Childe, and Xiao are all pretty equal as far as their capacity to drive me bananas at any given time 8'D I love them all but jfc if they aren't all bouncing off the dang walls almost constantly

Experience/how long (months/years?): OH GOSH don't mind me while I give away my age here adfjsd I first started RPing in middle school, so that'd make it...siNCE LIKE 2007?? CHEESY PIZZAS I'VE BEEN RPING FOR LIKE 16 YEARS

Platforms you've used: Waaay back when I started (old man vc: baCK IN MY DAY--) we did it old school: IN NOTEBOOKS WITH PEN AND PAPER if you can believe that lol. Then it moved to Skype, then Tumblr, and now I primarily use Tumblr and Discord!

Best experience: The best experience of my time in the RP community (and of my entire life u//w//u) will forever be meeting my beautiful, wonderful, amazingly talented girlfriend through Tumblr RP ;w;/ 💕💕💖

RP pet peeves/dealbreakers: Definitely force-shipping. I've had some unpleasant experiences in the past with people trying to pressure/guilt me into shipping our muses when my muses were not at all interested in the ship and it was very not fun 8')

Fluff, angst, or smut: 👀👀👀👌All of the above, please and thank you. Although I'll only write smut with people I've very familiar and comfortable with, and not on a public platform like Tumblr.

Plots or memes: I love both, tbh! I love plotting out threads and dynamics and getting real deep into hashing things out with other muns! But at the same time, sometimes the spontaneity of memes can trigger some of the funnest interactions!

Long or short replies: Something anyone who writes with me will learn very quickly: I tend to write lengthy replies. XD;;; I'm happy to trim myself down if my partners prefer to keep things short, and I certainly never expect anyone to match my length! My brain is just very long-winded by default haha.

Best time to write: The later at night the better! Evenings and into the wee hours of the morning are when I'm at my most creative, unfortunately for my thoroughly-trashed sleep schedule. 😂 Most often I'm working on my replies between the hours of like, 9PM - 2AM.

Are you like your muse(s)?: (sweats nervously) oH GEEZ I HOPE NOT 8'DDD listen I love all of my Genshin boys to death but part of loving them is recognizing that they're all absolute menaces 😂 ofc they all have positive and redeeming qualities, but MORE OFTEN THAN NOT they are doing nothing but causing problems on purpose and committing atrocities haha.

Tagged by: @earthssprout Thanks for tagging me! ヽ(*⌒∇⌒*)ﾉ

Tagging: @luckuki / @bitbrumal / @fearbend / @astromancr / @aevisong / @yukikorogashi / @touchofdawn / @melodicbreeze / @constellaris and anyone else who wants to! 😊 🌻

[taegularities]

Tumblr isn't allowing me to reblog the cmi chapter, and I wanted to share my thoughts there but I'll do it here😭

First of all I'm so mesmerized by your writing every single time, you are truly one of a kind. Yes it was super long but this is my fav couple and I'm so rooting for them, sometimes screaming at the screen so they both fricking let each other in and trust each other fully, and that's never easy but I'll scream and shout until they're both truly happy. It was a mixture of hurt, love and fun all in this chapter, the birthday gift was the absolute sweetest and the highlight for me was the painting, jungkook is so sweet and it's makes me believe in him as much as I do in oc. Thank you for this wonderful read<3 (excuse my mistakes)

tysm for considering a reblog at all 😭 tumblr doesn't allow that with big posts, at least not on mobile, it's exhausting :') but thank you for sending this message, you are always so dang sweet to me 😭

your favourite couple? you've no idea how honoured i feel :( whenever i see someone loving them as much as i love them, my heart flutters lmao so seriously, i appreciate all the screaming, hurting, loving and laughing. i think quite a few people liked the painting bit, which is so nice, bc i had it planned for ages, so. glad it was worth all the outlining and changing and thinking. thank you so much, really, you're so so kind :( <333

[papermint-airplane]

I promise I will be a better Simblr soon! 😭 There's been such an adjustment period coming back to Tumblr for the first time in years. I'm like... what do I do with this thing? Stories? Legacies? Random screenshots with no context? All of the above??? Is it ok to interact with other Simblrs? Is me liking every post annoying? Because I genuinely like everything. Teach me the rulesssss. 😭😭

No but seriously, I have a ton of stuff I want to post and I'm going to set up a queue one of these days. I don't know if I can do continuous narratives since my brain is all over the place all the dang time these days but I wanna get more involved here. The Sims community is one I have such deep love for.

Like, not to get too personal but... you know what, it's my blog, whatever, fuck it. The Sims games and the community as a whole has given me so much comfort in dark times. When I got the Sims 1 at 16, I was trapped in a shitty home with abusive Fundie parents, no friends, and newly developing mental illnesses. The Sims gave me something to do to get my mind off things. Gave me some of the control I never had in my life. When Sims 2 came out two years later, I discovered the community through image boards (remember those, fellow Millenials?) and never looked back. At a time when I desperately needed friends, these strangers with their cute little pixel people showed me more love than my parents ever did.

Years later, due to circumstances, I fell out of the community and couldn't even play the game anymore. Things changed, I changed. I got medication, I got into therapy, I started trying to make sense of what happened to me. In 2020, when the pandemic hit, I was so scared and confused like eveyone else. I ended up turning to the one thing that gave me comfort 20 years ago when I was a teenager. I am so glad I did.

Not only do I absolutely love my game, I've made so many wonderful new friends from r/sims3 on Reddit. I'm able to express myself again in a way that I thought was lost forever. I've always been a writer but the years of trauma and mental illness took my words away from me. Playing the Sims again has brought the words flooding back. I get so much joy from writing about my beloved Sims and reading others' stories.

I'll never say anything like "the Sims cured my depression" because that's a total lie. I'm still depressed, I'm still traumatized, I'm still on meds and in therapy and will be possibly forever. But this community gives me an outlet that has turned out to be one of the healthiest, most positive hobbies I think I've ever had. I will always be grateful for that.

So yeah. That's all I have to say. I didn't think this would be so long but I guess I just wanted to express my appreciation for this community. I look forward to getting to know other Simblrs and sharing my little world. I just enjoy being here and posting what makes me happy.

If you read this far, I feel like I owe you an apology lol. I won't apologize, though, because my therapist says I do that too much and I shouldn't be sorry to be myself. So, if you're still here, I'm just going to say thank you for seeing me.

[bblues-ocs]

Glavrahir meets Cýrlinnaril

A while ago I asked @rhasphodyinviridescentgold if I could write Cýrlinnaril and Glavrahir together. I got permission, and I actually had the bare bones of it since the beginning, but today I woke up possessed and wrote this in one sitting. lol enjoy!

Cýrlinnaril hates this place. They're trying to take her away from Erestor and they want her to be happy about it! Everyone expects her to go along with the decision, but jokes on them, she's survived the wilds once, she'll do it again to be with Erestor. The Elves from Greenwood keep wanting to hear her sing and stalk her for it. Like who does that? People who don't respect others wishes, that's who! 

Whatever. She takes solace in her music, so she'll find a place no one can find her. She takes her compositions (man she wishes she had her harp) and wanders, eventually happening on a clearing, where she can no longer hear any noise from the City. She looks up, and yup, no houses above her either (she's not making that mistake agian). 

She gets to work, and finds herself moving herself through her music, losing the negative emotions that came with her and she feels herself relax.

As Cýrlinnaril is humming a familiar song, a voice says,

"Do you know uh…" and snaps their fingers. 

Are you serious?? Cýrlinnaril left to get away from this!! She scowls and moves to pick up her papers when the Elf finishes. 

"It's Kingdom Hearts, I think. The piano part. Sincerely Loved?"

Cýrlinnaril freezes. KINGDOM HEART?!

"D…Do you mean Dearly Beloved?" 

"Yeah!" The stranger points at them. "That's the bitch!" 

That's the bitch??? Does this Elf know what tumblr is???! Oh Eru, Cýrlinnaril can feel herself blue screening and responds. "No…"

"Oh dang. Oh well. Do you know any from the Princess Wolf Girl? Same guy as the pig movie." 

MOVIE?? Princess Wolf Girl, what?? Pig movie, what? what? what?

Cýrlinnaril is frozen. 

"Guess, not. Bummer–" BUMMER! "anyway, sorry to disturb you then, bye." And the Elf who has caused her distress, just LEAVES. 

"Hey Hey Hey, no no no, WHAT!"

They turn around, audaciously confused. "What?"

"What do you mean what, how do you know those songs?" 

"Oh." They turn around fully. "I remember too. Hey, you don't look very good, are you ok?"

"I…I just…I just need a minute."

"Oh ok. Take your time." The Elf simply stands there while Cýrlinnaril stares at the Elf who has so casually flipped her world on its head. They're a fairly short (but taller than Silvers), olive toned, thick muscular Elf, with brown eyes that shine weirdly, and light brown hair that are not tight curls, but enough so that their hair is voluminous and obscures their ears--"Where are your ears." Cýrlinnaril is too out of it to care how rude that is. This Elf caused this, they will deal with her.

Their eyebrows raise, before they laugh and obligingly move their hair to the side to show athat the scar that is on their cheek bone goes along their face to vivisect their ear, which has a downward tip. 

"How do you know those songs?"

"I remember them." She says it so simply. Like it's not a big deal. "As best I can anyway. It's been a bit–"

"You remember them?!"

"Yeah??" She sounds like Cýrlinnaril is the weird one here. 

"No one else knows those songs, no one else remembers their life before now, why do you?"

"I 'unno, I just do???" She sounds defensive.

"Why do you sound so defensive then?" Cýrlinnaril narrows her eyes.

"Because you're asking me weird questions and are being really intense about it!"

"These are not weird questions! If anything, you're the one being weird about it, because we're the only ones who remem–"

"Ranil remembers."

The clearing is silent. 

"WHO?"

"Ranil, the Queen of Lothlorien. Don't they teach this?"

"Oh, I thought it was Galadriel."

She scowls briefly, before sighing. "No, they Co-Rule. Galadriel deals primarily with the Noldor population of Lothlorien and the Kingdoms outside it, so I guess that would be the name you'd run into most…" She trails off. 

"Huh," Cýrlinnaril thinks to herself. "Is that why Haldir said that I was invited to Lothlorien on behalf of Galadriel?" 

"Oh you met Haldir?" She beams. "He's my brother!"

"He makes funny faces."

"He sure does!" The Elf laughs.

"wait." Cýrlinnaril takes a moment. "Don't change the subject! Are there more people who remember? Is it just Elves who remeber?"

The Elf shrugs and makes an 'I don't know' noise. 

"What do you mean you don't know?!"

"It's never been a concern of mine."

"Wh-It's never been a concern? Haven’t you ever been curious? How can this not concern you."

"I have different priorities." She is beginning to look a bit irate. 

"This is a big deal! Why do we remember? How do we remember? Who else remembers? Why don't you care?? We need to find this stuff out, it might be important!"

"Listen," She fully turns her attention to Cýrlinnaril, and wow, was she always this imposing? "The past may shape us into who we are now, but we can't go back to what we remember. I have different priorities and concerns. I lived in Ossiriand, I moved; I have friends, I have family, some died, some didn't. I've fought wars, been in hunts, I trade, I sing, I make. My life is bigger than whatever came before. I don't need a brat who hasn't even seen 25 winters to tell me what I should care about." 

Cýrlinnaril stares and thinks about dumplings, about movies, and songs, and people who she will never see again, and oh–

Tears start to well up and drip from her eyes, and the Elf said that their friends and family died, is Erestor going to die? Arwen? Bastard, Elladan and Elrohir, Silvers, Celebrian? She starts to make soft cries as she thinks about people she already won't see again and people she might not see again.

"Aw, made a kid cry, way to go Glav." Cýrlinnaril can hear the other mumble. Glav moves in front of her and sits down cross legged, then stiffly moves their right leg to be stretched out. "been still for too long, urgh."

Glav moves their attention to Cýrlinnaril, who has moved from soft cries to harsh ones, because she thought Elves lived forever! And she knew that she couldn't see the people from her memories again, but she didn't need need it to be thrown in her face!

"There there," Glav doesn't reach out to touch her, which Cýrlinnaril appriciates. Who'd want a stranger touching them while they cry, especially one who is the cause of it! "Do you want me to go get Erestor?" Cýrlinnaril shakes her head. "Lady Celebrian? Lord Elladan? Lord Elrohir? Galador? Noendîn? Anyone??" Each name is a shake of the head and an increasingly desperate tone. Everyone is already so stressed, because of her, she can't--she gasps in a breath--she can't be the reason for more stress.

Under her breath, Glav murmurs something, and then says, "I'm sorry, I called you a brat."

"That's not why I'm crying!" Cýrlinnaril wails out. 

"No, but it made you speak instead of cry." 

Cýrlinnaril sniffs. "That's a stupid way to do it."

"Hey, but it worked!" 

Glav continues to speak as Cýrlinnaril works through her tears. Glav is weirdly in tune with Cýrlinnaril; while Glav speaks and Cýrlinnaril cries, she provides a steady stream of conversation that doesn't require another person unless Cýrlinnaril wants to inject herself. It's not unlike a babbling brook; Glav has a constant, steady, alto voice, that doesn't fluctuate in tone in her monolouges. When Cýrlinnaril begins to work herself up again, Glav injects herself into Cýrlinnaril's thoughts and won't allow for her to focus on anything else but Glav. When Cýrlinnaril doesn't want to respond anymore but isn't working herself up again, Glav returns to her monolouges. And so the cycle goes.

Cýrlinnaril's eyes are red and tired as she moans out "I hate it here."

"Where?"

"In Greenwood." The 'stupid' is unspoken, but defintely there. 

"Oh yeah. You should come to Lothlorien sometime. Ranil won't mind you once a decision has been made here."

"What do you mean 'she won't mind me'?"

"Well, Galadriel invited you, not Ranil."

"So?"

"So, that's not to say that you can't visit, but it wouldn't be the full visit."

"Why not?"

"Because Ranil didn't invite you."

Eru, this will go in circles if Cýrlinnaril lets it. That's how Glav gets you, she learned in her crying sesh. She responds to the question, not the context. Cýrlinnaril doesn't know if Glav is deliberately obtuse or a genius to keep people engaged and reacting.

"Why didn't Ranil invite me?"

"Because once she knew that there were no messengers sent out to Greenwood about you, she knew that Thranduil wouldn't take it lying down. Ranil doesn't care for politics, especially inter-kingdom politics, so she wants to stay out of it."

Cýrlinnaril moans. Can't she just live in peace with Erestor?

"Hey, no one knew he'd try for an Alliance baby. That was a surprise to everyone. But I guess who knew you had potential blood family?" Glav tries to reassure.

"She's not my family." Cýrlinnaril refuses that Lady. She never even said hi to Cýrlinnaril, what kind of family does that?

"Yeah, I get that." 

Cýrlinnaril scowls at Glav. Throughout the entire monologue (that Cýrlinnaril paid attention to), so many of her stories included siblings, uncles, aunts, and she definitely said "ada" and "nana" at some point. Fake empathy is the worst.  "What would you know about it?"

Glav scowls right back. "I reject the entirety of my fathers side."

"Whatever." She mumbles to herself. She thinks she had another question, what was it--"Oh!" 

"Hm?" Glav looks back at Cýrlinnaril. Cýrlinnaril is again reminded of rivers, where they go with the flow, except when they don't, because Glav has no indication of her previous anger. 

"What is an Alliance baby?"

"It's when two kingdoms get custody of a child."

"...They can do that?!"

"Yup." 

"Why not marriage?" 

"Do you know of the house of Finwe?"

What do they have to do with this? Let's see, there's Fury Road Feanor, Ice King Fingolfin, and the other one. Uh, they were brothers. Finwe is their dad. Miriel is their mom. Or wait no, Findis? No that's a daughter. Indis is their mom. Finwe is their dad. Wait, then who it Miriel? 

Cýrlinnaril scratches her head. She's…Feanor's aunt? No, mom. Polygamy isn't a common thing, so two marriages--"Oh Yeahhhhhhh…"

"Oh yeahhhhhhhh…" Glav joins in the chorus in agreement. 

"Wait, Elves exisited before Finwe right?" Glav's mouth moves to answer, but Cýrlinnaril is quicker to follow up because she is NOT getting stuck in that cycle. "So if Finwe marraiges are why there's no Alliance Marraiges, what about before him?"

"There wasn't a need for them."

"Why not?" 

"There weren't kingdoms. Well, not as we know them today."

"What is the difference?"

"What is this, a history lesson?"

"Fine." Cýrlinnaril folds her arms. She'll go bother Erestor about it when she seems him next. "Alliance babies." 

"Yeah?"

"When did Alliance Babies become a thing?"

"First Age."

"Why did they become a thing."

"Because there were now like, six different factions, in Beleriand–"

"six?"

"Two factions of Noldor, Two Sindar, Lindar, and Falathrim."

"Who?"

"You really need to review the Journey of the Eldar."

Cýrlinnaril groans. "Fine, moving on. There were six factions in Beleriand. How do Alliance Babies fit into this?"

"I feel like I shold tell you Alliance Babies isn't actually the word, but I can't remember it right now, which is funny because I am one." Glav laughs.

"What? No! Stop dropping lore and moving on!" Cýrlinnaril feels like crying again. "You're an alliance baby, or whatever they're called?"

"Yes? What's with that tone? It's not like I needed a prerequisite, other than parents involved in the alliance?"

"Oh my Eru, you're impossible." Cýrlinnaril places her palms together and puts her finger tips to her mouth, taking a deep breath in. "Okay." Glav looks at Cýrlinnaril in concern, which is insane, because she isn't the one casually ruining her perception of reality. She exhales and moves her fingertips away from her mouth with it to point at Glav. 

"Alliance babies. Beleriand. Tell me everything you know about it. Go."

"Oh, um, ok….so uh, there are six factions, but only three kingdoms, Noldor, Sindar, and Lindar. Because you don't know the Great Journey, I guess, you might know them as Nandor."

Cýrlinnaril stops herself from interupting, becasue she totally does know the Great Journey, but she will not let Glav turn this conversation off the road. "Due to…I don't really know, mistrust? that's not the best word, but it works well enough. Due to the mistrust of the Noldor from the Sindar and Lindar, how alliances worked for them wouldn't work for the Noldor. For the Sindar and Lindar, who by the way, reside in Ossiriand, the Coast, Doriath, and North Belerinad, they had just been like, "Hey, we gotchu fam." The Noldor I guess like things official, so they wanted Alliances, capital A. The Sindar and Lindar who, A) hadn't heard from the Noldor for a loooong time and B) when they did, one left his brother behind to cross the Helcaraxe, and both killed their kin in cold blood. No mercy kills there at all."

Concerning statement, but not the time.

"So the Lindar and Sindar have an idea. They can't trust the Noldor and they can't just say "yeah we got you," because the Noldor won't trust that. They can't have marriage alliances, for the aformentioned reasons, so…"

"Alliance Babies."

"Alliance Babies." Glav agrees. "Children are well sought after, and so both kingdoms would work to protect the child. Both kingdoms benefit, and the child grows among both kingdoms well loved, in theory."

"I hate that. I'm not going to be an Alliance Kid!" Cýrlinnaril refuses. She will become ungovernable. Peace will not be an option. "That sounds like it sucks for the kid anyway!"

"That's why I said 'In theory'." Glav agrees. 

"Wow, that sucks for you."

"Thank you."

"Anyway, I refuse to live here, I refuse to be an Alliance Kid, I refuse to leave Imladris, and I refuse to be apart from Erestor!" 

Glav stares intensely into Cýrlinnaril's eyes, searching for something. "It will be a hard road." 

"I don't care."

"It will be full of hardships for you and Erestor."

"Erestor is mine and I'm his." She has to believe it. Erestor will have to pry her away from him with a crowbar. 

Glav stares and Cýrlinnaril doesn't care. Cýrlinnaril will stay with Erestor, come hell or high water. The silence stretches and Cýrlinnaril shrugs it off. If it's uncomfortable for Glav she'll leave. Cýrlinnaril doesn't care that Glav remembers from before, if she's going to stand in her way. She begins to work on her compositions again becasue she found this spot first. She gets back into the flow of music, letting the worries leave her behind. 

"Convince me." breaks the silence. 

"...what?"

"Convince me." Glav repeats, still staring. Cýrlinnaril is unsure if Glav has blinked the whole time. It's been a long time actually.

Cýrlinnaril glowers at Glav. "I don't care what you have to say or what you have to add! It doesn't matter the outcome of the trial or what anyone thinks! What you have to say doesn't matter! It doesn't have any weight. Even if it did, I will stay with Erestor, whereever he goes!"

Glav smiles with her teeth. "What I have to say doesn't matter?" Her laugh sounds like a wolf barking. "I am Glavrahir of Lothlorien, Formally of Ossiriand, Herald of Queen Ranil of the Lindar, last in line for that very throne. 'Your word carries little weight,' she says." Glav--Glavrahir moves to stand up. They never did introductions. Oh eru, her name is actually Glavrahir? She's been calling her Glav in her head. How embarrassing. "My word carries much weight, Cýrlinnaril of Imladris, Erestoriel. My Queen will not mind. You will have our support come the trial."

Glavrahir leaves as quietly as she came.

[fadebolt]

There's been a boatload of talk about negative stuff in my Tumblr circles, so it's time to do some random rambling about the awesome stuff that's been happening recently, cus this is my space, and I came to this website for escapism and happiness, goddamnit!

So, art month's been going pretty dang well so far. Of course, I'm still not an expert, and I'm not getting an enormous amount of notes or anything, but I'm definitely improving and climbing up, slowly but surely (and the fact that I could get even just a few people to care enough click the buttons feels incredible... maybe I should do more ships and power swapped scugs in the future?). Exams will probably start coming up in the second half of the month, and I may have to skip or delay lots of days then, but I still have plenty of time until that happens (yes, I know I didn't do 4 yet, but I assure you - that had nothing to do with the drama that was happening, I was just tired as hell, and so I couldn't draw too much xd).

Some other games I've been following have also got some good news - like for instance, there's this custom campaign series in Warcraft 3 called 'Warcraft 3 Alternate', which are the vanilla campaigns, just races and factions all being swapped around, with a bunch of extra new features, systems, units, heroes, and other additions too. And couple days ago, it's fifth campaign was released, which I really enjoyed watching on YouTube, since this is the point in the story where all the main factions pop up, but they're all swapped around now, so the situation is kind of a mess. Oh, and this partially inspired fire Rivulet too, so there's some neat trivia I guess.

And League of Legends - while is not getting the Arena back, that me and my dad had such a blast with - is getting updated bots, which is very much a big deal for me, cus I used to constantly 1v5 them, as a way to enjoy all the awesome and fun characters from the game, without having to potentially put up with douchebags the matchmaking might throw at me. And if I have time, I'll most definitely want to test of these new ones will be 1v5-able, and if so, which champions could pull it off?

Now, back on track to the Rain game - I've been really loving all the amazing pieces my dear friends and mutuals and acquaintances and other lovely folks have been making for the art month! Their skills and creativity is nothing short of impressive. However, I've been running into a bit of a dilemma, where I'm often thinking about liking or reblogging something, but then my brain goes "Hey, what about all the other stuff that you aren't reblogging or liking, even though they would clearly deserve it? Wouldn't it be unfair if you boosted this, but not those?" and it kind of makes me not want to press the buttons, even if the post might actually deserve them.

Does anybody else have this experience, or am I just going crazy here? There's probably some sort of solution here, and I hope I'll eventually figure it out, cus y'know, it's probably also unfair to not like or reblog people's stuff, while still hoping that they would do it to me. It just feels a lil dirty, and I'm really trying to figure out how to make myself stop.

... yeah, I know this was meant to be about only positivivty, but I wanted to mention that little pet peeve of mine. I don't really feel like it would b justified to create a Disord chatroom just for this, y'know.

[witchboyjimin]

Tumblr please behave and send this ask and the following nicely please please thank you 🙏🏻

Great, now that the Tumblr Gods have hopefully been appeased, let me get onto this message by wildly applauding you for writing 6k words!! Super super good given how much of a headache writing has been for you recently 🏆

Also [my most frequently used word in my messages to you I get the impression lmao] excuse me Nav but the answer to my question? The snippet of text you posted? The sheer richness in images of that text? I love love love it, i love it when language conjures up a scenery in your head and dang you did that artfully there 😍 I wonder- do you tinker around on those parts of writing and reshape what you've writing or is it a free-flowing process for you where you don't revise much?

And if you could have dinner with a person or two, who would you pick and what would you cook/order? Unless this is too personal a question of course <<

AND OMG NAV you- your last message about ILHDYS was so kind and your offer of sharing the progress too omg. First and foremost, I'm honoured shhshrhskaldjdj 😭 and i do love ILHDYS a lot. It combines many factors that, in a fic, are spot on for me and that i love to read. I did mention this in an earlier ask I think but i so ardently love reading drama as well as hurt/comfort in a fic and the way you placed that in ILHDYS is simply so satisfying for me to read. Even its conflict based on miscommunication isn't sth that makes my eyes roll into the back of my head here like it often does when it's used as a tool to create negative friction. It creates just the right amount of argument that it works in this setting. And it did become one of my go to comfort fics over time that i keep returning to regularly. I get what you describe, that feeling of looking at one's old fics and seeing ways to possibly recreate parts of it. And i am curious what you'd change if you could (if this is at all sth you'd indulge in talking about of course). But looking at my old fic, for me, also means i can see the progress I've made even though I'm not actively writing these days.

I'm hoping you're doing okay! I'm sending kisses back :)

- cabin anon ✨

im crying YOUR PRAYER WORKED!!! and thank you so much hehe!! im pretty happy i managed to hit 6k, too. especially given how hard it is to a) write and b) find time to write TTT

thank you my darling!! i think that's a line that just came to me and i wrote it out and liked it just as is. sometimes, you do have to go back and tinker with a line because you know it could pack more of a punch/could be more succinct but other times, the line just comes to you and you're happy with it as is. this was def one of those times!! thank you so much for your kind words crying emoji x 1000000

i would love to have dinner with you kekekeke hmm, you'll have to tell me if you have any allergies and then we can order in whatever your fav food is! i'm a medicore cook so i wouldn't put you through the ordeal of my cooking hjdsbsj

i absolutely agree! i think you can definitely see the progress you've made and it's nice to see your writing improve. i think with ilhdys, it could be a tighter fic, like some of the scenes are over-indulgent and run too long but then i think, the readers really love the fluff lololol i think the other thing i'd change is i'd want the stakes to be higher or at the very least, i'd want to jeongguk and jimin to maybe be a little nastier to each other cause i think in real life, people are. but at the same time, i understand that ilhdys is a comfort read and the way it's set up, it's meant to be low stakes. i'm so very glad that you love ilhdys so much and that it can be a comfort read to you. honestly, i feel like you've single-handedly given me back a lot of my confidence with writing. when i doubt myself these days i'm like...it's okay cabin anonie ✨ believes in you. i am so so so so so very grateful to you. thank you so much 💛💛💛💛💛💛 and the offer very much still stands! if you ever want to read the fic, let me know! if you want to stay anon, we can figure out some way to keep it that way.

makes a heart over my head pls take care of yourself! and sending you lots of love chu~

[fantasticcloudcreation]

[silly rant don't bother reading]

Ok so I briefly had a thing with this guy and then turns out he had a gf /they had broken up before we hooked up and then we texted for like a few weeks and then I guess they got back together (there was a brief time he mentioned they were going poly which I was like ok and then never heard anything about it / ran into him at a gig a few months ago and he was like yeah she's not into it I'm like ok not surprised let's just hang out and not be weird haha and he was like yeah totally, then never heard back from him lol.) Anyway! Yesterday caught her snooping on my Instagram lmfao! She accidentally liked a post and then immediately unliked it but I still got the notification haha. Wondering what inspired her to be thinking about me yesterday, how she found my account etc. Anyway then I took that opportunity to snoop on her and like, she seems nice idk people are weird I don't really understand a lot of them but you know some people are into certain things 🤷‍♀️ I like myself and my vibe lol. Anyway the silly thing is that she had a few posts further down like bikini posts /clearly sucking in but still like showing ribcage etc, another one like a ~dramatic photoshoot ~ talking about being insecure with her body etc. Idk I don't understand people. Like I'm out here ranting about feelings on Tumblr which is one kind of weird haha but I'm not gonna be out there posting bikini shots on Instagram talking about feeling insecure like I Am insecure that is why my body rarely makes an appearance on public channels 😂 Also, thinking about how I've gained 20 pounds and can't wait to lose it. Always thinking about it. Never goes away. Like I can eat normally now /can't even restrict like I used to even if I wanted to/ but dang can't wait to lose 20 pounds... Not sure how I'm gonna do it this time around now that I can't do the restriction thing anymore. Looking back I realize it was 60% Adderall / 20% dance classes / 20% college thesis stress haha. Anyway maybe next year will be a new year with new methods - active job, minimal food, etc. Plus 5 years older than when I hit my low weight so that makes it harder. Plus alcohol vs weight etc. Cigarettes might help, idk. Anyway. Silly that that's always on my brain these days. Wish I was skinny like I used to be. Oh well.

Anyway, still thinking about this guy, I feel like we had potential, wondering if I should try to reach out and text him again or wait til he decides to reach out to me... Wondering if he's over the whole thing already. Maybe they're super happy together idk her posts make it seem like she's super into with him but from the very brief things I heard from him idk if it's totally reciprocated 👀 but that was months ago so who knows! Life is weird! He's cute but I have so many other options idk how to keep up with them all! Why am I always interested in the unavailable ones! That's funny actually it's like the less available someone is the more I find myself liking them. Fear of commitment etc. Plus the thrill of the chase etc. Anyway. Long rant about nothing. Still kinda holding out hope for this guy but if it happens it'll happen and if not I'm still just doing my own thing. Hopefully I can lose 10-15 pounds in the meantime 😂😋

[inkskinned]

we would find out later i had burned off my entire cornea - about 65% of my eye. my doctor told me it is the organ with the highest concentration of nerve endings - i was in an amount of pain that can't be spoken.

and i was blind. for the first time in my life, i was totally blind. i kept thinking about reading, about writing. weirdly, just once, about driving. we had no idea if i would ever see again. just like that - my entire life was different.

it is a strange place to reference for a soft memory, to begin here.

my siblings were taking excellent care of me, but there was a moment in the hospital where, just through bad luck and timing - both of them had to step away for a moment. i was crying at that point; not emotionally. for 3 days after this i would still be crying, my tears, like a mermaid's, a frothy pink with blood.

my brother worried about leaving me. he had another, just-as-bad emergency.

"i got her," someone said. "don't worry."

a soft hand held mine, and then she started talking.

her name was jess. she has a wife named clyde. they live a few blocks up the street. clyde fell down, but the x-rays seem to be coming back better than expected. jess says she's got long dark hair and "more wrinkles than an elephant". jess describes every chair in the room and every person. she talks about her two kids and her cats and her favorite memories from college.

a doctor came. i had to switch to a different waiting room. i tried to stand up to follow the voice - i found jess's hand, following me. she didn't let go. she kept talking the whole way: lamp to your left, just a few more steps, okay to your right is the ugliest painting, good, now a little more walking straight, you got it baby

in the new silence of the next room she sat me down and called my brother for me, telling him where we'd gone to. and she stayed there for a bit, just chatting, her voice echoing in the eerie quiet. gently describing the room to me. and then someone was rude. from the sound of the voice, a kid, i think.

"why is she crying?"

"she just lost her vision," jess said. "she can't see."

"oh." said the kid. "that's scary."

the kid tells me he is here because he has peas stuck up his nose. that makes me laugh, his mom (?) groans. she tells me about the kid (he's 6, he likes paw patrol and eating cheese), about herself, about moving from cali.

jess says she's sorry, but she has to leave now, she's gotta go check on her wife.

"don't worry," says the mom. "i got her." and then i felt her hand press into mine.

for hours like that: i am taken care of by strangers. each person just talking with whatever comes to their head - not for any reward or celebrity or real reason, i guess. just because i am scared and alone and in the hospital and blinded and need to be distracted. not everyone even got told the story - they would just pick up in the silence with - oh by the way the television is playing HGTV - do you like that kind of a thing? yeah, me too, but could never quite get into those open-floor plans, i'll tell you -

by the time my brother is able to come back, the room is buzzing. we talk to each other like old friends, laughing, cracking jokes about if you don't like hospital food wait until you get on an airplane and can't believe i'm up past two in the morning what a party animal i'm becoming. i am holding the hands of someone named drew, who likes my crow tattoo and making crochet snails.

there are many dark moments full of pain in this world. this - in the low of absolute-dark, absolute-pain: people find a way to paint in it anyway. the color splash of their voices: this triumphant, radiating kindness of - let's be here together, let me help you, let's keep going.

i never saw their faces. i can't remember many of their names. but i think about them often, and the way we all took a deep breath - and did something gentle amongst the pain.

Tell me a soft memory