#but by god I will sell the shit outta G-fuel

[darkwingsnark]

I wish G-Fuel made more flavors for their hydration formula. It’s been one of the best ways to get electrolytes in me, as the flavors they do have is the bomb, but it’s saddening I don’t get to experience as many as the energy formulas they sell. I just can’t handle energy drinks without having a bad time/crashing.

[handmedownpocketpussy]

I sailed* with a guy who like... really wanted a dick tattoo. He was from the states and tattoo artists there basically would tell him "sure, I'll do it for a handling fee" that would price him out so he'd go away. smart moves, honestly. This guy had to be talked to by the Chief Engineer about how even if he took showers he had to wash his clothes, no tattoo artist could be paid enough, in my opinion, for that bullshit

ANYWAY we pulled into Taiwan, every artists response was 🙅‍♂️ 🙅 which loosely translates to 'please take ur stank ass dick elsewhere thx bb'

We pulled into port Papua New Guinea and during our port brief when the Chief Mate mentioned whatever mandatory security brief he made eye contact with dick-tattoo-guy and said very clearly "this is a very religious country, I would advise against any tattoo seeking in this port" Dude of COURSE had a few too many gin and tonics (why do sailors love G&Ts!?!?) and wandered over to a tattoo parlour not understanding the difference between Henna and Tattoos??? I just need to explain WE'VE MADE PORT IN INDIA AND SRI LANKA, HOW THE FU-- ok, anyway, so this guy upsets the shit outta this old lady henna both worker on the side of the road and we drag his ass back to the ship, he gets put on 24hr duty so he's not allowed off the boat.

We pull into port Thailand (shit, I think? I was taking on fuel and didn't get off the boat, it could have been Cambodia I'm #ignorant) and this dude goes and GETS HIS TATTOO DONE in clothes so stanky that the ENTIRE CONTROL ROOM stank of him after he left our morning brief for an HOUR after he left I just... okay someone touched you, wtf?

Dude came back having bought one of those artsy canes vendors sell on the road? limping along. Spent the entire day legs spread eagle in his rack complaining to anyone who walked by his stateroom hatch.

A thing to note about merchant sailors is that we wear many hats. Sure, I was an engineer, but when a fire drill happened I became a firefighter. When a security drill happened I was suddenly a security guard. When a lifeboat drill happened I was suddenly a coxswain. Etc. So this guy's billet (list of jobs) included being a nozzleman (on the front end of one of our fire hoses) and the next day when we took departure the Mate was like oh my god we gotta... we gotta fuck with this guy?? right????

So the mate called a fire drill. This fuckin guy limps down to his DC locker, SCREAMING in pain as he pulls on his turnouts (firefighting gear) and limps up the ladderwell to where our "fire" is. Everyone is cracking up, rolling out hoses, doing our thing. and then we're supposed to enter the space, so we go on air, and I put my hand on his back, grab the hose and... he just starts limping. Mate fucking FREAKS OUT "THIS IS A FIRE SPACE YOU HAVE TO CROUCH!" dude's like "I CAN'T FUCKING CROUCH! I'M INJURED HERE!" and mate screams back "WHY'D YOU GET FLAMES TATTOO'D ON YOUR DICK IF IT'S NOT GOING TO HELP YOU FIGHT FIRES?!" and this guy, this guy responds in the most indignant way, "I didn't get FLAMES! I got my SIGNATURE!" AND WE LOST IT

dude got is own fucking signature on his dick!? like... what?! we never saw it, I hope to god he was lying but holy shit what... who... amazing. Don't sail, kids. It gives you brain worms.

*(merchant sailors, not navy or coast guard which makes it funnier because he couldn't just call out for a recovery day after this fiasco, and had to work through the pain)

My dick has flames painted on the side and all the men love it