#but beyond that theres also the things like the lights. which have the possibility to either be very pleasant

[caffeinatedopossum]

This is random but friendly reminder to not be mean to people who don't like Christmas or want to avoid everything to do with it- it's really not something you need to take personally. I guarantee 90% of the time it's someone with ptsd and Christmas can be extremely triggering

[thesiltverses]

I don’t know who types up the ask answers on this blog but to whoever’s reading this: how do you all feel about being alive and sentient? What keeps you going, what purpose propels you through this chaotic void? What do you think (or hope) waits for you after your inevitable end? What do you think constitutes a life well lived?

I'm going to answer this in the most wayward and stupidly overlong manner possible, because the previous ask had me thinking about puppets, and I was already mid-way through writing up a book recommendation that's semi-relevant to your questions.

Everyone (but especially people who've enjoyed The Silt Verses and all the folks on Tumblr who loved Piranesi by Susanna Clarke) ought to seek out Riddley Walker by Russell Hoban.

Riddley Walker is a wild and woolly story set in post-apocalyptic Kent, where human society has (d)evolved into a Bronze Age collective of hunter-gatherer settlements. Dogs, apparently blaming us for our crimes against the world, have become our predators, hunting us through the trees. Labourers kill themselves unearthing ancient machinery that they cannot possibly understand.

A travelling crowd of thugs led by a Pry Mincer collect taxes and attempt to impose themselves upon those around them with a puppet-show - the closest possible approximation of a TV show - that tells a mangled story of the world's destruction, featuring a Prometheus-esque hero called Eusa who is tempted by the Clevver One into creating the atomic bomb.

Riddley himself, a twelve-year-old folk hero in-the-making surrounded by strange portents, ends up sowing the seeds of rebellion and change by becoming a conduit for the anti-tutelary anarchic madness (one apparently buried in our collective unconscious) of Punch 'n' Judy.

It's a book in love with twisted reinterpretation, the subjectivity of interpretation, buried or forbidden truths coming back to light (the opening quote is a curious allegory about reinvention and cyclical change from the extra-canonical Gospel of Thomas, which is a good joke and mission statement on a couple levels at once) and human beings somehow stumbling into forms of wisdom or insight through clumsy and nonsensical attempts to make sense of a world that is simply beyond them.

It rocks.

The book starts like this:

On my naming day when I come 12 I gone front spear and kilt a wyld boar he parbly the las wyld pig on the Bundel Downs any how there hadnt ben none for a long time befor him nor I aint looking to see none agen. He dint make the groun shake nor nothing like that when he come on to my spear he wernt all that big plus he lookit poorly. He done the reqwyrt he ternt and stood and clattert his teef and made his rush and there we wer then. Him on 1 end of the spear kicking his life out and me on the other end watching him dy. I said, 'Your tern now my tern later.'

Riddley's devolved language - a trick which has been nicked/homaged by many other works, most notably Cloud Atlas and Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome - is a masterwork choice which may seem offputting or overwhelming at first, but which has its own brutal poetry and cadence to it, and ultimately which makes us slow down as readers and unpick the wit, puns, double-meanings and playful themes buried in line after line.

(Even those first five sentences get us thinking about cyclical change, ritual and myth in opposition to the dissatisfactions of reality, and 'tern' to paradoxically indicate a rebellious change in direction but also an obedient acceptance of inevitable death.)

In one of my favourite passages in literature and a statement of thought that means a lot to me, Riddley has been smoking post-coital weed with Lorna, a 'tel-woman', who unexpectedly declares her belief in a kind of irrational, monstrous Logos that lives in us, wears us like clothes, and drives us onwards for its own purpose:

'You know Riddley theres some thing in us it dont have no name.' I said, 'What thing is that?' She said, 'Its some kynd of thing it aint us but yet its in us. Its lookin out thru our eye hoals...it aint you nor it dont even know your name. Its in us lorn and loan and shelterin how it can.' 'Tremmering it is and feart. It puts us on like we put on our cloes. Some times we dont fit. Some times it cant fynd the arm hoals and it tears us a part. I dont think I took all that much noatis of it when I ben yung. Now Im old I noatise it mor. It dont realy like to put me on no mor. Every morning I can feal how its tiret of me and readying to throw me a way. Iwl tel you some thing Riddley and keap this in memberment. What ever it is we dont come naturel to it.' I said, 'Lorna I dont know what you mean.' She said, 'We aint a naturel part of it. We dint begin when it begun we dint begin where it begun. It ben here befor us nor I dont know what we are to it. May be weare jus only sickness and a feaver to it or boyls on the arse of it I dont know. Now lissen what Im going to tel you Riddley. It thinks us but it dont think like us. It dont think the way we think. Plus like I said befor its afeart.' I said, 'Whats it afeart of?' She said, 'Its afeart of being beartht.'

While Hoban is, I think, deeply humanistic to his bones and even something of a wayward optimist, the notion of human beings as helpless and ignorant vessels, individual carriers - puppets, if you like - for an unknowable and awful inhuman power-in-potentia and life-drive that lacks a true shape or intent beyond its own continued survival (even when that means destroying us or visiting us with agonising atrophy in the process) conjures up the pessimism of Thomas Ligotti, another big influence on our work and a dude who was really into his marionettes-as-metaphor.

Let's go to him now for his opinion on the thing that lives beneath our skin. Thomas?

Through the prophylactic of self-deception, we keep hidden what we do not want to let into our heads, as if we will betray to ourselves a secret too terrible to know… …(that the universe is) a play with no plot and no players that were anything more than portions of a master drive of purposeless self-mutilation. Everything tears away at everything else forever. Nothing knows of its embroilment in a festival of massacres… Nothing can know what is going on.

Curiously, both Ligotti and Riddley Walker have appeared in the music of dark folk band Current 93, whose track In The Heart Of The Wood And What I Found There directly homages the novel and ends with the repeated words,

"All shall be well," she said But not for me

These words, in turn, hearken back to Kafka's* famous reported conversation with Max Brod:

'We are,' he said, 'nihilistic thoughts, suicidal thoughts that rise in God's head.' This reminded me of the worldview of the gnostic: God as an evil demiurge, the world as his original sin. 'Oh no', he said, 'our world is only a bad, fretful whim of God, a bad day.' 'So was there - outside of this world that we know - hope?' He smiled: 'Oh, hope - there is plenty. Infinite hope, just not for us."

So, we walk on.

We carry this thing that's riding on our backs, endlessly bonded to it, feeling its weight more and more with every passing day, unable to turn to look at it. Buried truths come briefly to life, and are hidden from us again. Perhaps they weren't truths at all. We couldn't stand to look the truth directly in the eyes in any case.

If there is hope, it's for the thing that looks out from our eyeholes, which thinks us but cannot think like us. We'll never get to where we're going, and the thing will never be born. There's no hope for it. Perhaps we don't want it to win anyway. It's nothing, and the key to everything.

The Jesus from the Gospel of Thomas says:

'When you see your own likeness, you rejoice. But when you see the visions that formed you and existed before you, which do not perish and which do not become visible - how much then will you be able to bear?'

Kafka, writing to his father, begins by expressing the inexpressibility of his own divine terror:

You asked me why I am afraid of you. I did not know how to answer - partly because of my fear, partly because an explanation would require more than I could make coherent in speech…even in writing, the magnitude of the causes exceeds my memory and my understanding.

Kafka concludes that while he cannot ever truly explain himself, and that the accusations in his letter are neat subjectivities that fail to account for the messiness of reality, perhaps 'something that in my opinion so closely resembles the truth…might comfort us both a little and make it easier for us to live and die.'**

It doesn't bring comfort to Kafka, whose diarised remarks both before and after the 1919 letter make it clear that he views his relationship with the things (people) that birthed him as an endless entrapment that prevents him from attaining any kind of self-actualisation or even comfort, since he cannot escape their influence or remember a time before them:

I was defeated by Father as a small boy and have been prevented since by pride from leaving the battleground, despite enduring defeat over and over again.

It's as if I wasn't fully born yet...as if I was dissolubly bound to these repulsive things (my parents).*** The bond is still attached to my feet, preventing them from walking, from escaping the original formless mush. That's how it is sometimes.

Samuel Beckett returns again and again (aptly) to this pursuit of a state of true humanity and final understanding that is at once fled and unrecoverable, yet to be born, never to be born, never-existed, endlessly to be pursued, pointless to pursue. From the astonishing end sequence of The Unnameable:

alone alone, the others are gone, they have been stilled, their voices stilled, their listening stilled, one by one, at each new-com- ing, another will come, I won’t be the last. I’ll be with the others. I’ll be as gone, in the silence, it won’t be I, it’s not I, I’m not there yet. I’ll go there now. I’ll try and go there now, no use trying, I wait for my turn, my turn to go there, my turn to talk there, my turn to listen there, my turn to wait there for my turn to go, to be as gone, it’s unending, it will be unending, gone where,where do you go from there, you must go somewhere else, wait somewhere else, for your turn to go again

I’m not the first, I won’t be the first, it will best me in the end, it has bested better than me, it will tell me what to do, in order to rise, move, act like a body endowed with despair, that’s how I reason, that’s how I hear myself reasoning, all lies, it’s not me they’re calling, not me they’re talking about, it’s not yet my turn, it’s someone else’s turn, that’s why I can’t stir, that’s why I don’t feel a body on me, I’m not suffering enough yet, it’s not yet my turn, not suffering enough to be able to stir, to have a body, complete with head, to be able to understand, to have eyes to light the way

From Thomas' Jesus:

When you make the two one, and you make the inside as the outside and the outside as the inside and the above as the below, and if male and female become a single unity which lacks 'masculine' and 'feminine' action, when you grow eyes where eyes should be and hands where hands should be and feet where feet should stand and the true image in its proper place, then shall you enter heaven.

Tom's Jesus makes a particularly Gnostic habit of both insisting that the hidden will be revealed and demonstrating the impossibility of attaining a state where the hidden ever can be revealed. Contrary to C.S. Lewis, we will never have faces with which to gaze upon the lost divine and the mysteries that shaped us, and crucially, as Christ puts it, we would not be able to bear the sight of ourselves if we did.

We will never become the thing that's riding on our backs.

Jesus again:

The disciples ask Jesus, 'Tell us how our end shall be.' Jesus says, 'Have you found the beginning yet, you who ask after the end? For at the place where the beginning is, there shall be the end.'

The Unnameable:

I’ll recognise it, in the end I’ll recognise it, the story of the silence that he never left, that I should never have left, that I may never find again, that I may find again, then it will be he, it will be I, it will be the place, the silence, the end, the beginning, the beginning again, how can I say it, that’s all words, they’re all I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be it

The final passage of The Unnameable, which often is hilariously shorn and misinterpreted as an inspirational quote about how if you don't succeed, try again:

all words, there’s nothing else, you must go on, that’s all I know, they’re going to stop, I know that well, I can feel it, they’re going to abandon me, it will be the silence, for a moment, a good few moments, or it will be mine, the lasting one, that didn’t last, that still lasts, it will be I, you must go on, I can't go on, you must go on. I’ll go on, you must say words, as long as there are any, until they find me, until they say me, strange pain, strange sin, you must go on, perhaps it’s done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know. I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on. I’ll go on. †

We bear this thing that's riding on our backs. We'll never get to where we're going, and the thing will never be born. If it was born, it'd be too terrible for us to bear. There's nothing riding on our backs.

It will never speak us into being.

We keep on calling out into the silence, we keep trying to explain or understand the thing that's riding on our backs, searching for a way to birth it before we die. Our words about the thing are crucial, and they're meaningless, and they're all we have, and they're nothing at all. We cannot name it and we cannot express it, but we cannot stop trying, and we will keep turning back to our words about the thing, obsessing over them, tearing them to pieces, putting them back together.

I'm fumbling at something I can't think or say, but fumbling is all we're capable of. There could be beauty and meaning and comfort in the fumbling, but it's also vain, and foolish, and pointless, and we're lying to ourselves about the beauty and the meaning and the comfort, and we're indulging ourselves pointlessly by going on and on about the pointlessness of it. Nothing can know what's going on. We will never get close enough to understand without being destroyed.

Thomas' Jesus again, warning those who seek to reveal what's hidden:

He who is near me is near the fire.

Riddley Walker, reflecting on the Punch puppet's inexplicable desire to cook and eat his own child:

Whyis Punch crookit? Why wil he al ways kill the baby if he can? Parbly I wont ever know its jus on me to think on it.

If you got to the end of this, congratulations: but the above is honestly the most appropriate patchwork of what I believe, what propels me, what I feel.

As for what comes after life, I think it's fairly straightforwardly a nothingness we are tragically incapable of fully knowing or accepting - it's Beckett's unimaginable and unattainable silence, a silence that his characters' voices keep on shattering even as they cry out for it.

-Jon‡

*I can't remember if Kafka makes prominent reference to Czech puppets in his work, which is interesting in its own right given the thematic relevance (the protagonist in The Hunger Artist is perhaps a kind of self-directing puppet show?).

However, Gustav Meyrink - who some unsourced Google quotes suggest was pals with Czech puppeteer Richard Teschner - did write a strange little story, The Man On The Bottle, about an audience watching a 'marionette show' who are too wrapped up in performances and masks to interpret the reality that they're actually watching a human being suffocate to death.

**Thomas Ligotti: "Something had happened. They did not know what it was, but they did know it as that which should not be.

Something would have to be done if they were to live with that which should not be.

This would not (be enough); it would only be the best they could do."

***Beckett's Malone Dies actually kicks off with a related sentiment:" I am in my mother’s room. It’s I who live there now. I don’t know how I got there...In any case I have her room. I sleep in her bed. I piss and shit in her pot. I have taken her place. I must resemble her more and more."

† I don't necessarily align myself in humour with Ligotti on a lot of this stuff but I imagine he would recognise both Beckett's writing and Kafka's frustrations re explaining the causes of his hatred for his father as sublimation: finding artistic and philosophical ways of sketching the inexpressible horror and uncertainty of our existence in order to reckon with it at a remove without destroying ourselves. A higher form of self-deception, but self-deception nevertheless.

‡Muna's more of an anarcho-nihilist, I think.

[itwillbelonelywontit]

Re: if I could make you write anything: I'd be curious to see what you'd do with a scenario where L is a kid and Light a young adult. I'm thinking, an AU where Light is born earlier and attains the DN around the same age as in canon. L is already doing detective work, but it's when he's still a kid, closer to when he started solving crimes. (Say, anywhere between the ages of 11 and 15? Though, maybe age-up Light if L is on the older end of that range). Maybe L's work on the Kira case isn't 'official' (don't know if he's made as much of a name for himself yet, or if Watari would want him to take on that case as a kid). But either way, L is able to narrow it down to Light as a prime suspect, and eventually takes the risk of introducing himself to Light. How would Light handle kid L? I imagine kid L would be fascinated by Light/Kira in an obsessive way, like his adult version. But there might be a more childlike crush element thrown in, and kid L might be a bit more stubborn and less patient than his adult self? I could see Light using that fascination/crush to try and manipulate L (similar to his approach to Takada or Misa), though I think kid-L would be less susceptible to manipulation than kid-Light. Kid-L's personality probably wouldn't be that different from his adult self, but he'd have less experience, a bit more recklessness, and a bit more susceptibility to Light's charms. And maybe raging hormones, depending on the age lol. Also, Light's mental gymnastics to justify whatever immoral ways he tries to manipulate kid-L (or the fact he plans to kill him) could be interesting. Orrrr it could also be fun to see kid-L as still the more in-control one, somehow manipulating Light into depraved situations with him both because he has an obsessive crush and also because he wants to fuck with Light lol. (Maybe gives him fodder to blackmail Light, too?). I'm not quite sure, but I imagine your brain could come up with something good! Sorry for the length haha

Ooooooh absolutely. I love kid L you can just tell hes the most traumatized weird little freak on earth. i REALLY like your idea of light realizing that L has what he thinks is just a little kid crush on him, and trying to use it to manipulate him in the way he does with kiyomi or misa. which is. light do you realize that you are not a ""master manipulator"" you are seducing a child. you are on purpose seducing a child. but of course light and his delusional god complex would be completely oblivious to the glaring wrongness of it (until its pointed out. more on that later). of course L is wise beyond his years, despite the raging hormones, so he fully knows what light is trying to do, and tries to flip it around into his favor. because, like any version of L, he still wants to fuck light. he manages to pinch and tease light's subtle seductions to a point of extremity where light is doing highly inappropriate things to a seemingly innocent L (who is truly anything but). and once L gets light to a certain point, he can inform him how weird it actually is, that theres security footage, and light's entire reputation and life would be ruined if L were to tattle to the task force, rendering light completely helpless to whatever L wants to do to him via blackmail. I think this light should be in his 20s during yotsuba arc just for fun (I <3 age gap). OH WAIT LMAO this is so self indulgent and I just think it's hilarious because light would hate it but imagine if L's dick is somehow bigger than his. he would never recover from the humiliation. also the possibilities of the task force seeing light as the pervert in the relationship when it comes to the handcuffs is very fun, because it would actually bother light. L doesn't care if hes a pervert because well its true and when has he ever cared about societal expectations, but light? it completely goes against his entire golden boy image. he would be absolutely distraught.

on a similar note, I do have a whole shota L au in my head for the 2015 jdrama... I just need the motivation to talk about it. its fire trust

ask game

[i-sveikata]

okay so just finished reading dark heir and let me tell you THEORY TIME:

-okay so my guess is that anharion was actually being magically controlled by the sun king when the lady betrayed sarcean thats why he walked away like it was nothing

-sarcean managed to free him from it and thats why he was able to switch sides in the battle/ follow the desire he feels for sarcean and go against those in the sun kings court and the 'light'

-despite popular belief the collar doesnt actually control him, thats why james didnt feel any compulsion when it was put on again. it was devised by sarcean to ensure anharion has control of his own mind forever and nobody else can ever compel him if he gets magically drained (whilst also being a show of ownership because hes a possessive bastard)

-i also think that how james/anharion was acting once the collar was on wasnt even about being forced to do what will says. it could honestly just be that he understands him so well that he knows the exact right things to say to reassure him? and will was just too afraid at seeing the collar on his throat to look beyond it and consider the possibility of james/anharion actually not being under his control. which could explain that weird moment where he realised james/anharion was mirroring sarceans desires and not actually his own. like those last few moments to me seem like james/anharion trying to talk to sarcean- not will.

-because like maybe they were just genuinely lovers in the past?? Esp if the collar doesnt work how everyone assumes that it does.

-but all the rumours etc surrounding anharion and sarcean and anharions sudden switching of sides could only have been understood as by force because ppl always viewed sarcean and his magic as different and evil?? and anharion being so pure and of 'light' that they could only see it as being corrupted by sarcean and anharion not following him willingly

idk i just feel like theres so much of the story that we havent heard from either anharion or sarcean themselves and these books are about how bad perceptions of people can lead them to ruin and fuel a story rather than the reality of their actions. so anyway im so down for the next book in the hopes that we can learn more about their history!!

[desire-mona]

dps boys hcs! this has been requested of me! lets make it modern bc thatll be fun

- todd absolutely DESPISES "booktok" and its addiction to smut. can go on a VERY long rant abt how only reading things with sex scenes is, in fact, a porn addiction.

- knox has tried on many occasions to become an influencer, failing every single time and blaming it on the algorithm or whaver

- neil, type of mother fucker to not be on social media like at all. has one private instagram that he posts on maybe twice a year, and has a tiktok only to watch the videos todd intermittently sends him.

- ^^^ followed immediately by a text saying "i sent you a tiktok go look at it" which always sparks a mini argument about whether or not its easier to just save the video and text it to him. goes nowhere every time.

- meeks has fashion taste that makes him look insufferable, band tee's and the worst jeans you ever did see, exclusively. also modern meeks would have clear glasses frames.

- saw someone say charlie would vape, id like to add to that. has a COLLECTION of elf bars, its vast, its colourful, it's annoying, it's turning his coughs wet.

- pitts was a fast fashion guy for a total of 6 months before finding out all the shit about how unethical the industry is. didnt get rid of any of those clothes bc thats wasteful but he IS fighting for his life whenever anyone looks at his wardrobe.

- cameron is a BIG analog horror fan, local 58, walten files, fnaf tapes, thats his jam. can we popularise cam being a big horror fan in general bc im so attached to that hc. horror cam i love u.

- all the boys have a life360 circle (enforced by cam and pitts due to charlie's horrendous reckless driving) and todd CONSTANTLY needs to be yelled at the charge his phone.

- neil's phone is ANCIENT, had the same one for nearly a decade, and its evident. has a bigass crack right down the middle, the back is shattered and held together with tape, a phone case, and a dream. theres marks from shit burning into the screen, most notably a rectangle in the bottom corner from the billions of facetime calls with todd that ultimately set his phone on fire every time.

- todd is secretly a grade A yapper but ONLY in digital form. his online presence is VAST, but impressively anonymous. has a very active substack, letterboxd, poetry tumblr, and even started his own blog. no, not a tumblr blog, a blog blog.

- charlie's car is decked out in the most idiotic add ons that you can think of. comically large mirror dice, a bumper sticker that says "honk if you want me bad", stupid car door lights that project a photo of jimmy fallon onto the ground when u open them, the whole 9 yards. took neil, pitts, and cameron 20 minutes to talk him out of getting flame decals (as a bit.)

- knox refuses to play any other videogame besides GTA, which he plays concerningly often. if ur having trouble reaching him then odds are hes on GTA. its the only hobby of his that his parents know about. christmas is tough for the overstreets.

- meeks is well aware of his general ☝️🤓 demeanour so he started making jokes about it before anyone else can. any time he says anything remotely smart sounding then he MUST do the voice and put up a finger. it became a force of habit and he did it while talking to a teacher once, he left the room mortified.

- pittsie lives on spotify, he has a playlist for every possible emotion, over 3k liked songs, and 200k+ minutes listened when wrapped season rolls around. additionally he does every spotify stat game available, and forced the boys to download a spotify activity widget thing. (WHAT DO YALL KNOW ABT AIRBUDS ‼️‼️ add me @ monahatesya xoxo)

- cam loves to make jokes about DARE and the "this is ur brain on drugs" ads but he is, in fact, the main demographic of said ads. said this before, saying it now, will most definitely say it again, he is beyond susceptible to peer pressure. marijuana isnt a gateway drug for everyone but it certainly is for him.

bonus! chris and keating! just for you!

- chris is avoiding the lesbian masterdoc purely out of fear. not out of fear of being gay, but out of fear of the sheer amount of subsequent other things she'll likely also have to find out about herself.

- keating spends an inordinate amount of time on youtube, which nobody actually expects. big video essay fan, imagine the shock from the boys when he pulls up youtube for a lesson and he's halfway thru the 4 hour iBinged iCarly video. was previously a james somerton fan but considering... the james somerton part.. hes now a defunctland loyalist.

[potabo]

That one damn hospital scene

There's something (besides the creepy faceless angel) that has always struck me as a Little Odd about the light world hospital scene in Chapter 2. As you may or may not be aware, in Chapter 2, the hospital has a scene where Noelle and her father, Rudy, are playing the in-game stand-in for Deltarune, Dragon Blazers. Now by the time Kristoph and Susleigh get to the room, the two are about to take on the

(now if "Silver Drake" means anything in particular I'm a bit lost as to what but, again, perfectly possible) From here Rudy makes the perfectly reasonable suggestion

because this is, as we learn... elsewhere, the Ice Palace boss

in response to which she says the following:

Which reads as "the only party member who can use spells such as fireshock (the mage) is no longer with the party," at least by the point which you reach this ice boss.

This is where things become a Little Odd.

So we, having completed the Alternate Route, establish that we are fighting the same boss, the ice palace drake:

this time Rudy asks Noelle what the game plan is, but this in and of itself doesn't seem terribly significant beyond being one of those Slight Differences we all love (perhaps a showcase of how her Boldness going up means she interacts with the world differently)

but then here's the kicker:

Now there's two main takeaways from this, firstly Noelle is still a bit Fucked (understandably) from the whole chain of events leading to this scene

but secondly and, more importantly, this implies that the game Dragon Blazers- the in-universe mirror of Deltarune has changed between routes

More specifically, the mage in this version has not left the party.

Now I think there are two main ways you can read this with regards to Deltarune as a whole:

This means that Noelle returning to the dark world is a Side B exclusive thing (uh oh)

We fight Noelle at some point (also uh oh), Noelle being the Ice Palace boss, and this is some clever wordplay around how having done Side B does not help the situation (Iceshock being ineffective and all that)

But also neither of those seem super likely to me at least, so theres some room to work with here

[kiisuuumii]

some thoughts on self-love (and my self)

i personally dont believe that theres anyone who really truly hates themselves. i find it even hard to believe that it's possible to hate oneself in a way that isn't truly just frustration and anger with oneself (or the classist, racist, homophobic, misogynistic system we are ruled by)

do you hate yourself, or are you just angry at yourself for the way you handled a situation, or for the way you didn't fulfill your (or someone else's) expectations, or for the things you didn't do, whether out of fear or lack?

as a result of some words a friend had said to me a few days ago, i've taken to asking myself why it is i don't see myself in the same bright and colorful light that others do, despite being pretty cognizant of the richness of my inner world, my ability to be conscious and appreciative of other beings on earth, my oddities and and my excitedness and my curiosity and my expression.

i have the capability to take a step back and recognize the good, so to speak, in me. but when someone else confronts me about, and seems to also see, these things, suddenly the things i've done, the ways in which i've behaved, and the things i've said that have hurt others—because i was selfish, immature, unable to see beyond myself, even now—come to mind.

i'm not a bad person—no bad person would ever question whether they are one or not—but i feel like a bad person.

there are plenty of people out in the world who tell you, and will tell you, to love yourself more, but there are never enough people who tell you what that looks like.

"i know you can believe in yourself, too," he'd said.

maybe it's to believe that beauty exists in you. maybe it's to believe that you're not a bad person.

or maybe it's to believe that duality exists. that the human psyche is so vast, so limitless, from our understanding, that there is no choice but for duality to exist. if we can conjure it in our heads, if we can conceptualize it, then it must exist, in some way, shape, or form, physical or not.

maybe self-love is to finally believe that i'm nothing but human, something i've extended grace and compassion to everyone but myself for being.

[flockofdoves]

help me choose living room furniture!!!

so i was mocking up my living room and it turns out i have less space for couches than i hoped and there are just not that many love seat options that match the sleeper sofa i want this is so fucking sad...

but i still wanna be able to have seats for more than a few people so im trying to figure out which of these is best. i'd love input:

two notes:

other room is the kitchen so its full i just didnt bother putting anything there but the kitchen table

i want a tv stand but am not planning on getting one yet so the dimensions on that could be flexible if needed. same thing with a lamp. and some of these include a short bookcase for boardgames but thats experimental and i may not end up getting one.

ok!! lets start

this first one is very similar to how my old roommate had things set up so i know it works and i like it on an 'ease of walking from upstairs or the front door to kitchen' level

but also i kind of hate it because there are no ceiling lights on the living room side and there are no windows beyond that window behind the blue couch and the sliding glass door in the kitchen so with the tv there it made the whole space feel even darker than it does right now

#1

this one below is maybe best as far as like. compromising between ease of walking around it, walking through it, and not blocking off light?

but while it doesnt matter that much i wish there was more room for side tables while still having it easy to walk through. there arent that many small sidetables available rn i like but maybe could add the teal and red decoupage one to this?

#2

ok actually maybe its possible to have an ok amount of room to navigate and have two side tables if you just remove the bookshelf (could also fit this with the leather top table and the hexagons or brass and glass tables if anyone thinks those look better)

#3

and then heres what full size couches look like when i try to put them with the tv against the wall. a little weird with how couches overlap with other stuff so idk if its worth it and would practically and comfortably amount to more seating

#4

#5

for the one above: second one is a little better for walking past and eventually could try to find one matching sidetable, but could be nice to have two like the first one (the hexagon tables fit about equally if those look better to people)

and then heres similar but with loveseats instead so it fits a bit better

#6

#7

and then for the rest of these: it seems kind of weird to have the tv like this because i'm a little worried about knocking into the tv if i ever walk to the kitchen in the dark but it seems like its easier to fit a lot more stuff this way while still not blocking light from the windows

#8

#9

#10

i already own that circle table and its pretty but also its too tall for a normal side table so i've been trying to sell it but maybe instead of a floor lamp i could just put a normal lamp on it if theres already a big square of space between the couches? or alternatively instead of the one hexagon table jutting out i could just not have the circle table and put the hexagon there instead

or just have the little teal and red table

#11

and then could also just have a love seat in this arrangement too i guess and then thered be even more room to walk by than if the tv was on the wall

#12

#13

idk if this swan one really goes with anything and its so expensive but its so pretty so heres a couple with it..

#14

#15

god idk theres even more combos that could be good that i gave up on trying to figure out bc ive like lost the plot and am driving myself crazy with this

but yeah!! i really would love any input

[thekaijudude]

MAJOR Decker Movie Leaks + MAJOR implications on Ultra Lore

1. Ultraman Dinas is a "clone" of Dyna

So what exactly happened was that when Ravi was still a normal person, her planet got attacked by aliens and Dyna showed up to save her planet

And because she was near dead after the attack, Dyna gave her a piece of his light which allowed her to assume the form of Dinas

And she has seen this as an opportunity to use this power for good and help others ever since

But because she hasn't really been able to controlled the power well, Dinas' color timer is still red in color

2. Decker Dinas Type does not show up in the Movie

So I suppose this was a cancelled concept before they decided on who Dinas would be

-

So this is a very radical concept coming from this franchise, that being an Ultra can give portions of their light to hosts that they themselves have independent and permanent control over

Usually the case is like what we saw with Trigger where the remnants of Tiga's light allowed Tiga to manifest for a brief period of time only in his original form

And rmb that there was an info saying that Decker also has the same origin as Dinas?

Yup, this most likely means that Future Decker also received a permanent portion of Future Dyna's light and most likely has more time to master his control over it to allow him to of course have a blue color timer and assume his Strong and Miracle Types

This is so interesting cause it brings up so many new opportunities and questions about this new revelation

Considering that Kanata eventually evolved Decker to Dynamic Type, this clearly shows that recipients of Dyna's permanent light can master it beyond the basic Flash/Strong/Miracle, and this really puts what Future Decker said in context, like him noting that Dynamic Type is Kanata's "Unique Form", does that means that not all evolutions are the same?

Like will Dinas eventually look like Decker Flash Type after some time? Or each "child" will look different from each other, even as they evolve?

Imo, most likely since the chest patterns and color scheme of Dinas is totally different from Decker. But the fact that Future Decker knows of the concept of "unique forms" highly suggests that either:

a) Future Decker DOES have a Super Form of his own, which also means that all the evolution stages before their Super Form would look the same

b) Future Decker has seen the "Deckers" of other recipients, means that in the future, Dyna has given this power to others as well

Personally, would prefer the latter cause it'll give more possible designs lol

And the fact that Dynamic Type exists clearly hints that Dyna has some form of Super Form still up in his sleeves (Unity Type Theory back in full swing lmao)

Additionally, this would mean that one day, we would see Dinas gaining his/her own Flash/Strong/Miracle or even Super Form eventually?

And does this necessarily make Decker and Dinas the children of Dyna?

This whole thing is literally a huge Nexus reference

This is a very clearly a revolutionary concept cause its literally an alternate option for nearly unlimited legacy based characters of Ultras can simply just create new ultras out of the blue, very interested to see exactly what they can do with this new concept

-

UPDATE: I just realized a pretty shocking fact

Rmb O50 can also literally create Ultras outta nowhere? And that it's sentient as well?

Yeah u can definitely see where I'm going with this

And we do know from Tiga that Ultras can leave their body behind and live as light or sth

What if the Voice of Light is simply another Ultra altogether that's been giving permanent portions of its light to form New Ultras?

Suddenly the dynamics of this system makes so much sense on why theres so much flexibility with O50

Tho the VoL seems to be far more advanced as seen with Orb, it bestowed further evolution forms, weapons and even the Orb Ring that has the ability to merge the powers from Ultras of different universes

But another fact is that somehow they can also create kaiju, like how the VoL created Grigio Bone for Saki, which is similar to how Decker had access to the Capsule Kaiju as well

But the qn remains, how are they able to do this for kaiju???

And what could this mean for perhaps other sources of Ultras? Like we know that the Plasma Spark is artificial, but considering that it does have sentience and it did also gave Zero an upgrade. Also knowing the history of the LoL which if u recall, King alr existed before the Plasma Spark and is considered one of the elders that predated it.

What if the Plasma Spark is artificial in the sense that they've managed to isolate a permanent portion of light from either King himself or another elder?

And could we say the same for the Ultra Mind for U40? Z95? Planet TOY-1?

Hell, even the Absolutians which was something I postulated about the Lord's awakening being the reason the planet is gonna blow. Literally because he's the entire source of the whole Absolutians' planet itself

Holy shit the entirety of Ultra lore has gotten FAR MORE INTERESTING with this new fact

THE PLOT THICKENS

[bugsinthebayou]

IM ASKING HOW R THE PLAYERS DEMIGODS!! also who r the actual Gods ..!!!

YIPPEEEEE THANK YOU !!!

there are two different kinds of god !!!! theres the Gods, usually referred to as the Universe, who exist Beyond the world and can see every world/server that exists. these are Cyan and Lime. theyre based off the two beings we see converse in the end poem!! these two are like. the top dogs, i suppose you could say

theres are also gods who are native to single worlds!! not every world has gods. some have none, some have one, some have a handful, and some have a god for every possible thing there could be a god for. currently this world has 4 that ive created! death, safety/rest, light/companionship, and war

players are simultaneously above and below these native gods in ranking/power. players individual power might not be stronger than a native god's, but the players can travel from world to world which native gods cannot

some worlds have lots of players and minimal "npcs" (people native to these worlds. they cant travel between worlds), and others, like the world this is focused on, have many many npcs and minimal players (theres only been two in its entire history!)

players can come about in two ways. they can either be created by lime and/or cyan, like steve and alex, which is what usually happens, but sometimes npcs are turned into players by lime or cyan because theyve intrigued them

[kaylawilliams-photography-631]

Teju Cole Interview: My Looking Became Sacred

"Photographing things that were not exciting but that were washed with presense and with light."

I really enjoyed listening to this interview, Cole has a lot to say around the practice of seeing as a photographer in what and how we see. His naming the work My looking became sacred after short term loss of vision the meaning of the above quote becomes apparent. He photographed things that weren't all that exciting but they were seen and they were light.

"The moment that was being held in ones attention"

He explained his process not as one that relied on works to be formed by an image or the reverse but his words accompanied the photographs as more of a voiceover that drew from often drew from ancient texts in the form of prose. He wasn't trying to explain or critique the works as he would in his practice as an art critic, the words are sort of like a poetic thought internal to his process.

"Limitations of vision...when we're looking at the world, which is what photography is, we are looking at the world and registering what has been seen. But when we're looking at the world theres so much that we're missing, there's very often a story behind a story"

I like he articulated how we see as photographers. That when we capture the world around us there is little we can take for granted because everything carries a story and history - every object, building, landscape, person. But I guess this is where our vision can limit and liberate. We can view an image without its context and connect with what resonates with our own story. Even with context, as human beings we impose what connects with us into the image to identify it - where we are unable to do that we feel challenged and intrigued.

"Colour is the sound an object makes in response to light. Objects don’t speak unless spoken to. An object does not have a colour, the way a bell makes a sound. Sound is mollecular motion. Colour too is mollecular motion. Colour is the selective absorption and emission of light on the surface of an object as an untouched drum makes no sound, an object in total darkness has no colour. A photograph full of muted but complicated colour is similar to a full orchestra playing a quiet passage, powerful resources used to create a subtle effect. With my eyes, I begin to hear what I see."

"With my eyes, I begin to hear what I see". His articulation of words was what drew me through the whole interview. He has a great poetic appreciation of the world he sees as a photographer. I have never encountered colour in photography being described this way but it has (in cliché) opened my eyes to how I might respond to colour in photography (and personally also extending to work in tactile elements of my art and design).

I think this also articulates a way of bring alive a static frame.

"The moment you have an acutal human being in the picture, very quickly it settles on a meaning, because you read the expression. If there’s a picture of somebody smiling its very hard to read that as something other than a picture of happiness…So the human presence has a way of activating and foreclosing the possiblities."

I found this point interesting in how much impact human expression has on an photograph. Thinking back to the second lighting session with Cornelius in how he explained in some of my groups images how the expression didn't always fit the lighting. Bringing forward the impact that expression would have beyond every other element in the frame.

"Darkness is not empty, it is information at rest."

[providencestrashcastle]

I recommend TORG Eternity or any of the 2D20 system games. Ive personally played torg for about 4 years now and its by far my favorite system ever and it sucks its not more well known given just how unique it is and how diverse you can have your party without any need for homebrew or such.

I havent played much of the 2d20 system of games but my fiance and his gamer group absolutely swear by it. One of their favs and multiple properties have been covered by it including Alien and Fallout.

Anyway back to TORG.

All you need are a good amount of d20s and d6s. Its got a really cool card mechanic where each player has a hand of cards they can play any time outside of combat and in combat can only play if theyre in their pool, which you add a card from your hand into each time you act. Cards can do anything from +3 to your final skill total on a check, to "I romance this npc and gain possibilities i can spend on us both" (ill get to possibilities in a sec) to "i find a supply cache" to "i martyr myself to guarantee we succeed something." And a bunch of others too.

You roll a d20 for a skill check, then check your final die roll against a chart handily invluded on most sheets telling you what bonus or minus you get to your skill. And 10s and 20s can result in rolling again for an even higher total up to and beyond 60 (if u hit 60 and someone has a Glory card u get extra bonuses too) and there are also possibilities, of which u start with 3 usually represented at the table by pokerchips just for eases sake. You can spend a possibility to roll another dice and add its result to your other dice(and possibility, and the cards that do the same effect Hero and Drama, always add a min of 10)

Ex: i roll my d20 on a find check. I get a 15. 15 add a bonus of 2. I have a find skill of 9. 9+2 is 11 so thats my final skill check total. Say thats not high enough though and i need at least a 15 total to win. I spent a possibilty, roll an 8. Since its a possibility die roll, its automatically a 10. So that makes my roll total a 25 now, which is a skill bonus of 8. Now my find skill check total is a 17 which is a pass!

The other really really nifty thing about TORG is its cosms. The big meta plot of TORG Eternity is that alternate universes are invading ours and they all have their own sort of metaphysical rules known as Laws that effect stuff like special uses of possibility, unique interactions, how magic or psionics work ect. And each cosm is basically its own genere! The cosms are:

Orrorsh: Victorian england and India, the victorians brought their fucked up shit to india and are doing colonialism. There are vampires and ghosts and werewolves and everything sucks dont go to orrorsh it will kick your ass /jk

Nile Empire: Nazi declares himself god pharaoh. Very pulp novel and comic book. Go punch the Nazis its a good time. You have cool steampunk-ish gadets and superpowers and faith magic (known as miracles)

Living Land: Prehistoric dinopeople called Edinos live with dinosaurs and their faith magic. Sometimes you find really out of nowhere weird shit because one of its cosm laws just sometimes keeps remnants of past cosms theyve invaded. Its fun though. Lotta jungles.

Aysle: High fantasy magic and elves and dwarves and dragons and trolls. The forces of Light and Dark are at war, theres also more viking-esq tribes in some places. Has its own underdark like areas.

Tharkold: Cyberdemons invaded russia. Russian leader nuked the cyberdemons. Since the cyberdemons are very VERY might makes right(one of the world laws is literally Law of Dominance) they allowed the russian leader to keep some power and authority as a sort of respect thing. Cyberware and psionics.

Panpacifica: Cyberpunk/Shadowrun. Genemods and electric samurai and implants and all that good stuff. Haven't got to play a campaign there yet but cant wait to.

Cyberpapacy: Suuuuuper suuuper high tech gamified Catholic church ran by the Cyberpope. Every action is tracked and given a piety score. Cyberware and vr/cyberspace common. Heretics and witches burned.

And finally!

Core Earth: default earth with the exception of burgeoning psionics.

And the best part? Your player character can come from any of these cosms and have unique perks and abilities from them! You dont even gotta be human! You can be an elf, a dwarf, an Edinos, a Cyberdemon, and a couple other species get added by the cosm specific source books!

And there is a prewritten adventure for each cosm that range from "go find these 3 artifacts so we can stop a dragon" to "the pharaoh is trying to make a sun death lazer go stop him" to "we tricked the cyberchurchs systems into thinking youre the secret police go investigate some stuff"

But given the variety you can just make your own shit up!

Anyway go play torg. My fav ttrpg ever.

https://ulisses-us.com/games/torgeternity/

Those arent even all our torg books those are just the ones that we didnt need in the torg suitcase for game night. Also look at our stack of boxes for each cosm them bitches massive.

And heres other rpgs most of which my fiance knows more about then me but hey suggestions are suggestions

The ad copy: "An innovative, rules-light tabletop RPG system with a unique, post-apocalyptic science-fantasy setting and mechanics that put player creativity in charge!"

The game: Literally just Dungeons & Dragons with a couple of mildly unusual playable species and seven ability scores instead of six.

[hyperfixated-homo]

im having a BrainMomentTM

sanders sides Main Character au inspired by a post i saw that ill probably reblog in a minute where everyone is a main character from different stories. roman is from a romantic drama, patton is from a slice of life series, remus is from a horror story. virgil is the purple-haired protagonist of a depressing tragedy, janus has been working on his murder mystery tale for all his life and logan’s a lead scientist in his scifi story.

i dont have like a plot or anything just. thinking about the world changing around them them not noticing for a while. genres combining and warping and overlapping until their individual storylines combine into one, multifaceted universe that looks so different from each persons pov but also makes so much sense?

also uh. what i mean by the world changing is that it becomes more fitting for like, a movie in that genre.

wherever roman goes, the world becomes rose colored. flowers bloom at every corner, the nearby area becomes a hub of meet-cutes and love at first sight, and people have a habit of becoming more flirtatious and confident near him.

patton makes the world soft and happy. kitty cafes seem to appear every other corner he turns, and he seems to always be lit by the warm glow of fairy lights. it feels like safety, and sometimes chaos but in a controlled way that makes you feel light and fluffy on the inside

remus on the other hand. he makes the world bleak and bleary and terrifying. it feels like buildings are actively decaying near him, monsters beyond our comprehension hiding in the shadows, of which there are PLENTY.

wherever virgil goes, tragedy strikes. car crashes and unexpected death, loss and corruption behind his every step. the world becomes bleak and gray, and it seems that he is constantly followed by a drizzling raincloud.

oddly enough, janus’ world isnt dark or dreary. its just very monochrome, in a strange way that makes everything seem out of a old film. people find themselves becoming more secretive the more time they spend around him, although somehow he always seems to see past it.

somehow, everything is both overly cluttered and incredibly minimalist when logan enters the area. things become more high speed and high tech and everyone can feel themselves getting smarter around him. the atmosphere seems to get sharper near him, blue-tinted and shiny.

i cant be bothered to actually write anything but like. thinking about combing genres with some ships. for ur consideration (not explicitly romantic):

prinxiety - romantic tragedy (romeo juliet style woo)

lociet - detective story

anciet - murder mystery

intruxiety (is that the name?) - psychological horror

royality - fantasy

rociet - drama

uhhhh the list goes on. theres like, pairings with more than two people too so the possibilities are infinite. ty for listening to my ramble o/

[wind0wg0blin]

Wolf Predator x Reader

Gender Neutral Reader 

You accidentally befriend Wolf. An AvP Requiem Fix it fic if you will.

Also I didn’t beta read this & I wrote it on my phone so like, if theres a bunch of issues you know why lmao

It had almost been a full week since you had been kicked out of your house. You had decided to come clean to your parents about how you truly felt and the things you had been doing and they did not take too kindly to this. Being far from the perfect Christian child they wanted they simply threw you out with only the clothes on your back and the things in your pockets. 

You had been lucky enough to couch surf at some friends houses for the first few nights but now your luck had run out. Now you found yourself trudging through the sewer system in one of the larger tunnels that ran under the city. You had gotten a tip that a group of homeless people often stayed down here during the colder nights and if you wanted any long term chance of living on the streets you would need to get in with them. 

You had little more than the light from your lighter to illuminate your path. The already pitch black darkness only seemed more menacing with each scuffle coming from within it. You knew better than to be put off though. As nothing down here could truly hurt you. Or at least, this is what you thought. 

The tunnel you had been traveling through eventually came to an end. Opening into a rotunda, where multiple tunnels came to an intersection. You were still a few meters away from the true end of the tunnel when you heard strange inhuman sounds. Then came the gunfire and screams. 

You couldn't help the startled jump as you drove down trying to hunker against the side of the tunnel. You could see the large silhouettes of some creatures ahead of you. It was clear that they were fighting. It was also clear that one was losing. 

Massive black snake like monsters swarmed after a more humanoid but still oddly reptilian creature. It was outfitted in some kind of armor that seemed to be doing little good as one of the black serpents sunk its teeth into his leg. You wanted to look away, you wanted to turn and run. Yet something in you compelled you to stay, it made you want to help your fellow underdog. 

Crouching, you rushed forward to the edge of the tunnel following the pathway to stay out of the sewage. A piece of copper piping was laying propped up against the flooring of the sewer. The perfect way for you to make a distraction. 

Your plan was to get the attention of the monsters saving the other and allowing them to escape possibly killing you in the process. But in the end you would rather die knowing you saved another life than to not try at all. 

Taking the pipe in both hands you slammed it into the metal wall beside you. The reverberating Tang was more than enough to garner their interest but not their attention as the largest of the serpents continued its assault on the now struggling humanoid. 

Without thinking you blindly charged forward and brought the pipe down as hard as you could on the serpents back hearing a satisfying crack as it hissed in pain turning now to face you. You acted on instinct as you turned your grip and swung the pipe like a bat striking the monster across the face knocking it away from you. The other smaller monsters that had been lurking in the shadows watching you took this opportunity to lunge. 

Dropping to your knees in the filthy sewage you braced the pipe against the floor and using the creature's own momentum against it. It leaped directly onto you and appropriately directly onto the tapered end of the pipe driving it into its chest. Green blood leaked out from the wound as the pipe hissed and you stumbled back as it ate through it like acid and finally cracked. 

Just as you fumbled to get away from the dying serpent. The other smaller one darted out to attack you from behind. You had no idea this was even happening until you saw a ball of white hot energy fly past you and incinerate the creature. 

You couldn't help your ragged breath as you looked back to the humanoid. The largest of the monsters had vanished during your fight most likely fleeing back to the surface. Leaving you and the reptilian humanoid remaining. They stood before you now and in the moonlight you could make out their visage. 

A large mask covered their face. They were gauntlets and some kind of full body fish netting. Multiple gadgets covered their wrist and belt. They easily towered over you. The emotionless eyes of the mask glaring down at you as you suddenly realized that this had been a very very stupid thing to do. 

Your moment of terrified silence was broken when you heard distant screaming and the cries of that monster. 

All in a moment an object was being thrust into your hands and you were pulled to your feet. As you looked down and processed that a much too large spear had been placed into your hand, the creature strode a few paces away from you before quite literally punching through the ground above you. 

You stared in stunned horror for a moment before you watched the monster clamber out. When you slowly approached you could see that he was standing there looking back towards you expectantly. 

You couldn't help but yelp as you were once again manhandled being hoisted up by your forearm. 

Before you could even question what was happening your accidentally acquired partner was leading you away towards the town. 

-----

You had been following Wolf, what you had nicknamed the lone hunter, all over town chasing down this alien as you have come to understand. Your chase has led you all over town and now finally to the hospital where it seemed to be making its final stand against the two of you. It had always managed to slip away at the last moment in your previous interactions though this time you were certain you would not allow it to escape. 

As you made your way through the hospital you tried your best to ignore the trail of carnage that was left in its wake. Soon enough you found yourself outside on the rooftop of the hospital. You were surrounded by people from the town that had somehow found their way here as well as a swarm of aliens. You couldn't tell which was worse as stray gunfire threatened to off you just as much as the aliens stalking you in the shadows. 

Wolf had the predalien busy for most of the fight as you and the other towns folk focused on picking off the rest of the swarm. Things eventually came to a head as the once formidable swarm of aliens now dwindled in number and the townsfolk were clambering into the helicopter as it prepared for take off. Wolf though was nowhere to be seen. 

The only sign you had of his position was the deep roar that sounded out through the worsening rainfall. Stumbling over the slick roofing you forced yourself to move as fast as you could in the direction you heard the fighting. With the spear gripped tightly in your hand you could see just vaguely through the veil of rain that Wolf was pinned with his back to the wall. 

Panicking you did the only thing you could think of in that split second. Smashing the blunt side of the spear against the exposed air conditioning unit you screamed out towards the predalien in a means to draw its attention towards you. 

In all honesty, you had done this as a desperate attempt to draw it away from Wolf not expecting it to actually work. You felt your heart stutter in your chest as suddenly the predalien was charging at you roaring over the thunder of the storm. You screamed now this time in true terror as you threw the spear at it. 

The spear sailed cleanly over its shoulder clattering somewhere beyond it as the predalien now leaped for you. With nowhere to run you ducked back and forced yourself between the air conditioning unit and the wall of the hospital. You were able to squeeze down just out of the predalien initially swipe as it now tore at the metal of the unit to get to you. 

As you stared up at the hideous beast you honestly hoped this would not be the end of you. Everything had just seemed to be getting interesting for you. 

Closing your eyes you held your breath as you prepared for pain as the top panel of the unit was torn away exposing you to the predalien. Though just as you feared your end was upon you it was the aliens screams that filled the air and not yours. You were yanked back as the aliens blood splattered the ground where you had stood moments before eating holes through the flooring. 

The alien staggered a moment before collapsing into a pool of its own acidic blood. A spear protruding from the carapace of its skull. Wolf was standing behind you, his hand still firmly on your upper arm as he stared down at the body of the alien. 

You felt as if you didn't have time to do so much as catch your breath. Wolf was already moving, ushering you to follow him as he pressed buttons on his wrist thingy. You all but ran after him, his strides normally dwarfing your own but now his hurried step left you behind. 

You stopped and watched him feeling more than a little frustrated as to why now he had a sense of urgency. Wolf all but yanked his mask up off the floor before pointing at you forcefully and motioning hurriedly for you to follow. 

Though obviously you were not moving fast enough for him as he doubled back and threw your soaking wet form over his shoulder. You feel like you didn't protest as much as you really should have as you watched Wolf take what looked to be a step straight off the edge of the building. Though instead of plummeting to your death, his feet found surface on something you just had yet to have seen. 

Your eyes widened in shock as a spaceship materialized around you. Wolf dropped you down in a much too large chair as he sat down in a matching one to your left. The dash in front of you lit up in an array of switches, dials and buttons. Wolf hit something and suddenly the view of your hometown from the front window slipped away and transformed into the night sky. All in the matter of a night your life up until that point disappeared. Leading you to where you were now. Sitting in the pilot's chair of an alien spacecraft with an alien you accidentally befriended soaked to the bone. 

So much for being the perfect Christian child huh?

If you enjoyed please leave a like and reblog! Thank you so much <3 

[egyptsblackrose]

Dancing with Strangers

Ok here’s part 2 I guess, this is a bit longer than the first one, I was listening to the playlist again and kinda got into the zone. This chapter is where things get a little hotter but theres no sexy time still...I don’t know do you guys want that? Do you want more plot? I don’t know how long I wanna make this story guess I’ll leave it up to you guys so let me know what you think. Also the image included is one I drew digitally from a template found on Pinterest, if you repost or use it please give just mention me :)

Warnings: swearing in this one, very suggestive behaviour and language, nothing to spicy

Like to Part 1 here-https://egyptsblackrose.tumblr.com/post/648370506842701824/dancing-with-strangers-ok-so-theres-a-playlist

Part 2-

You were grinning from ear to ear, a gentle happy buzz fizzing under your skin as you entered the heat of the club your friends insisted was the best in town. Been an exchange student in a very different country like Japan could have been a scary experience for anyone, but you had actually spend some of your young life living in Hiroshima and made life long friends, 2 of which were currently pulling on your hands to lead you to the bar as they laughed loudly. Japanese was your second language, one you adored and had kept practicing through the years, and when the chance came to study at the same uni as your best friends for your final year, you couldn’t buy the plane ticket fast enough!

“Y/N! What are you drinking?!” Miku shouted to you over the music, Sakura already flirting with the barman.

“Same as before, just a vodka and coke please Mi-Mi.” She nodded and turned to Sakura, yelling at her to order the drinks already. You couldn’t help but smile and shake your head at your friends antics. They never seemed to change, no matter how many years passed.

Taking a look around the club, you was somewhat relieved that the crowd on the dance floor wasn’t too crazy. You could hold your liquor pretty well, hence why you weren’t as effected as the others in your group, and you didn’t want to loose people in the crowd.

A sudden shiver took over your body, heat stroking your skin like a touch, trailing over your form. Not so surprising, people were often surprised to see a foreigner in the clubs, so you brushed it off. Taking the drink Miku had bought you for her round, your group cheered and took a drink. As “Such a Whore” finished, you and your friends cheered as “Sexy chick” began, quickly finishing your drinks and heading to the dance floor.

———

Blue and black eyes roamed the foreign beauty with no attempt at hiding their interest. She was stunning; her lush hair shimmering in the flashing lights and flowing with every move she made, dressed in something skin tight and pretty to show off her curves but not too revealing and flashy, make-up made to look natural and only flatter her already pretty features. Her body rolled in controlled rhythms to match the beat, her feet shuffling. God she was a sight for sore eyes.

Her face lit up as she and the group surrounding her recognised the beginning of “Lights down low”. Then the real show began. It was like she rehearsed the dance before, singing along to the sinful words. Gojo licked his bottom lip slowly, his blue eyes glued to the way she threw her head back and grinned cheekily at no one. Kakashi couldn’t stop staring at how her hips snapped and thrust like she was acting out the song from both male and female perspectives, his hand tightening dangerously on the glass bottle now finished in his hand. Images of possibilities filled their minds.

“Damn,” Gojo sighed almost to himself.

Kakashi nodded in agreement anyway. “Please tell me you don’t want her for yourself.”

Gojo grin was devilish. “Now where’s the fun in that?” He chuckled, passing his brother another beer he’d just bought, sipping as the foreign beauty dancing like a damn belly dancer to “Culo”. “Do you wanna try make the first move this time?”

The other white haired male shook his head. “Wouldn’t want to risk loosing this one.” Gojo patted his back good natured lay. He was proud of how far his best friend had come in his confidence and prowess, but he knew he had a way to go yet.

“I know what you mean though pal, what a catch.” His blue eyes narrowed at some men clearly eye-fucking you. “I’m gonna make our play before one of those wolves takes a bite.” Kakashi levelled the group was a fierce glare of his own, nodding in approval. This was their hunting ground after all, others had to wait their turn and take the scraps.

Handing his half empty bottle to his still glaring friend, Gojo gracefully weaved through the crowd, gently easing past the many women trying to dance with him. He was determined, his goal set, eyes locked on you.

Your friends span you, making you laugh, but you paused for a second to grin as “Promiscuous” opened up. What you hadn’t expected was a very hot, very pleasant voice to gently sing the beginning “How you doing young lady,” into your ear.

Surprised, you turned only to pause as the most amazing blue eyes you’d ever seen pierced through your gaze and stared right at your soul. Your cheeks heated as the man grinned, pleased at your staring and continued his singing. Blinking to clear your mind from the surprise and shock that a damn MODEL was hitting on you, you began singing too.

“You expect me to just let you hit it, but will you still respect me if you get it.” Your tone held a warning in there somewhere, wether he picked up on it over the volume was another matter. The white haired beauty before you laughed cheerfully, smoothly taking your hand and spinning you to face away from him, before pulling you back so you were pressed up to him.

“I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent.” He teased, hands squeezing your hips. You didn’t even pause, singing the reply but focused more on moving your body to the beat, and into his. “Promiscuous girl, your teasing me. You know what I want, and I got what you need.” He growled in your ear, causing your spine and insides to shudder in delight. You tilted your head back and laughed, only hitting his chest. God this guys tall.

You dipped to the floor and brought yourself up elegantly against him, now facing the dazzling stranger with a teasing grin of your own. “I’m a big girl I can handle myself, but if I get lonely imma need your help. Pay attention to me, I don’t talk for my health.”

The male’s grin turned hungry, his large hands dragging up the side of your body from your hip, tracing your collarbone, before wrapping his hand around your throat. There was no pressure, he just rested his big hand there, engulfing your neck easily, making you look at him as he bit his lip. “The names Gojo Satoru, and you beautiful, can call me Sensei.”

“My names L/N Y/N, not beautiful, flattery only gets you so far...onii-san.” You smirked back as the song changed to “Where have you been”.

Gojo smiled genuinely, letting out a long hum of amusement. “Then let me start by buying you a drink beautiful, I left my brother all alone at the bar just to try talk to you.”

Laughing, you raised a brow. “Talk? Yeah right. I’m sorry but I’m out with my friends, and I don’t want to leave them, I’m the most sober one after all-”

“Of course she’ll have a drink!” Miku all but screamed excitedly. You turned to her with a frown, opening your mouth to refuse, but she grabbed your arm and whispered loudly in your ear. “He’s Gojo Satoru, and his friend is Kakashi Hatake! They’re like small time celebs around here, they’re both hot as fuck and close. Like REALLY close, they only ever take a girl home who they both want, they know what the fuck they're doing too and they’re policemen! Trust me, go with them and thank me later! I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Miku all but pushed you into Gojo waiting arms, the male chuckling charmingly at the scene. You watched as your group of friends gave you thumbs up and shooed you away, Sakura and Miku blowing you kisses and winks. “What the?”

“So, what can I get you beautiful?” Gojo purred in your ear to distract you, his arm wrapping comfortably around your shoulders and leading you back to Kakashi who had ordered another drink, and was straightening out his shirt and hair out of nervousness. “Don’t worry, just one drink, anything you want and if your not having fun by the end of it, then I’ll escort you back to your friends myself.”

You bit your lip, about to glance back at your friends to check on them, when another handsome white haired male gently smiled at you, with stunning black eyes, an adorable beauty mark on his chin, a dangerous scar over one eye and a perfect jawline. “One drink wont hurt then, I guess.” You replied, almost shyly as you stood between both men, leaning against the bar.

One drink turned into four, and they were not drunk quick ether. You had lost track of time and songs playing as Gojo and Kakashi bantered easily, always keeping you involved and centre of attention. You were beyond grateful that you could hold your liqueur and hadn’t being going crazy like your friends, it made it easy to follow along with the conversation. You were quick to pitch in effortlessly with cheeky and teasing remarks that had the 2 men both in stitches with laughter, and enamoured with you all at once. Most women were happy to sit and giggle, focus on looking pretty and flirt with suggestive touching, not really focus on what they were saying. You were intelligent, modest and sweet with undertones of naughty delight. It excited both men more than anything had in a while.

When a more suggestive song came through the speakers, Gojo sent Kakashi a discrete look, both leading you to the dance floor after your drinks were finished. Once in their favourite spot, their stage was set to begin the best part of the hunt. This part was more than just seduction, this was about using the music, their words, bodies and heat to turn yours on to the max, until you couldn’t take it anymore. And their favourite spot held just enough cover and darkness to keep all sinful acts a secret.

You inhaled sharply as Gojo’s large hands spread over the front of your thighs, pulling firmly so your back and body were pressed into him, while Kakashi’s rough hands gripped your waist, one of his legs pressing between your own. The two moved in synch perfectly like a well oiled machine, Gojo rolling his body into yours as his feet shuffled. The roll forward would drive you into Kakashi, and more importantly your core onto his firm muscular thigh. The male in front of you would gently shuffle and thrust forward as well, the action meaning there was absolutely no space between you and their hot hard bodies. Their hands would guide and encourage your own dancing, focusing on your hips and slow movements that was driving them just as wild.

You felt like you were melting from the inside out, there was a craving for more deep within you, and it was burning hotter the more they teased. Fingers would lightly graze your breasts and a insincere “sorry” would be breathed into your ear through a smirk, lips would brush your neck, hands would squeeze and tighten their grips at random intervals, keeping you tense and senses focused on them and them alone.

Only when you were a dazed, panting mess did Gojo deem you wooed enough, and Kakashi insisted on getting you another drink. At some point, Gojo had picked you up by your hips as Kakashi had pulled up a bar stool for you, easing it under you. The action was so quick and effortless for both men you couldn’t help but blush, especially as Kakashi kept a hand gently resting on the small of your back, drawing soothing circles there. Gojo’s hand was rested on your thigh as well, like it was nothing, and smirked at you now not hanging to look up so much to meet their eyes.

You stuck your tongue out at him in response. “Careful beautiful, I might just take that tongue if you don’t watch out.” He growled hotly into your ear. Holy-

“I think she’d like that Sato.” Kakashi grinned, groaning the words into your ear. You’d noticed how he’d relaxed more and more as the night went on, becoming a little bolder with you when he saw you weren’t pushing him away or favouring Gojo. The touches were turning less and less innocent or ‘accidental’, and the way they looked at you... Gojo had no shame, staring hungrily at each and every curve, licking his lips hungrily as his hands would skim the line between teasing and inappropriate, working slowly to drive you crazy. His blue eyes drank in every hitch in breath, every shudder, his own patience thinning as he watched your perfect teeth graze your wet lips. Kakashi had a different approach, he wanted the eye contact, he want you to look into his eyes and see he wanted you. “She’s panting, poor thing.”

You hadn’t noticed how your chest was rising and falling rapidly, too busy trying to hide the fact of how turned on you were caught between these gorgeous men. “Your right brother, her thighs are clenching too. What images are forming in that naughty mind of yours beautiful? Care to share? We’d be happy to make them reality, wouldn’t we Hatake?”

The most sinful, hungry groan rumbled through your ear in response as Kakashi stood forward and shielded your body from view of everyone else in the club, sneakily easing a hand up your thigh. Up and up and- you gasped, the single finger making you jump and let out a whimper. “God yes, I want her to make more of those sounds Sato.

“I’ve already called a taxi.” Gojo said lowly, pushing his body into your side so you could feel every hard line and ridge of his toned form, and something poke your arse. “You ready to go beautiful?”

All you could do was nod, too afraid of how desperate you’d sound if you tried to speak. Downing the rest of your drinks, you squeaked as Kakashi eased you off the stool and immediately directed you towards the exit, Gojo leading the way to the taxi and opening the door for you, both always touching you as your legs wobbled and mind raced.

Part 3 - https://egyptsblackrose.tumblr.com/post/648557120920354817/a-rose-by-any-other-name

[ibroughtyoumybullets]

You said not to ask so please ignore this if you don't want to explain, but could you elaborate on your March 19th / May 1st theory? thanks!

ahfkafhksfh yeah no problem. its not a theory its just ... brain worms that have taken a specific shape but thats not new this is just the latest form. under a cut because i hate like. getting peoples hopes up over something ive entirely made up

greentext format but make it wordy

> i think frank has been like. suspicious lately. i dont know how to explain it beyond that. he’s done a LOT of press-but-not-press in the last month or so. sure, he’s definitely bored and stuck in his house like the rest of us, and he had a new EP come out, and the EP is technically the reason for the press. but it also ... isnt. like the bulk of it has been AFTER the EP came out, and none of it has been wholly focused on the EP. and to me, at least, it feels like, i dont know, easing the band back into public consciousness thru a press circuit without the band ACTUALLY doing a press circuit because MCR been pretty hard and fast about the ‘we dont need or want ur press’ when it comes to the reunion. 

> continuing off the last one, in the ... jim ward interview he did, i think? one of the more recent ones, at least - he got asked about his writing process and mentioned working with gerard in present tense. very very likely it meant nothing at all, but also like ... i dont trust him LOL part of me thinks it was on purpose. Im just suspicious of him after the broken clock thing. 

> not only did frank mention working with gerard in the present tense, for Months now, but especially during his recent mini press tour, frank has been really vague but consistent in talking about working with people on music remotely. id have to go looking for it and i dont feel like it, but it’s been something along the lines of ‘working with new people And people you know’. suspitcheous. 

> ONTO GERARD. Gerard like never uses social media. but then a couple days ago he pops up to mention franks EP (which is sweet) and makes sure to sign it so its like, obviously not something his social media manager wrote up for him. and in that post he mentions being down in the lab. and LORD KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS besides the fact that he’s working on something. but hey, its gerard, when isnt he. 

> But Gerard’s also doing that charity stream on the 2nd. and we havent seen gerard in MONTHS. since august, maybe? and he’s not just speaking, hes PERFORMING. besides the shrine show, the last time he performed was for the muppet charity thing with ray in 2016, and before that, it was the last hes alien leg in 2015. None of us even expected him to perform when it got announced - it had to be confirmed by the event organizers. and that just ... pings something in my brain, same as franks little press tour. It’s gerard emerging from his cave, Being A Musician, you know? 

> SPEAKING of the last time we saw gerard, he teased us back in the summer by mentioning that he has something he’s been working on thats not comic book related that he cant talk about. maybe its a fucking line of hot sauces or a tripp collaboration. 

> Or maybe its music. 

> this is where we depart from reality a little bit more: 

> this has been trotted out again and again on here as a talking point, and i dither between agreeing with it or not, but: MCR spent two years planning their return. they had a plan, for whatever the fuck was supposed to happen - even if all that was supposed to happen was the tour. 

> and their plan got pissed on, doused in gasoline, set on fire, extinguished, and thrown into the mouth of a lion. But They Had A Plan. And theyve been fucking radio silent except the hipdot collab, and before that, rescheduling shows. I ASSUME their almost-year of silence has been them, in part, reformulating their plan. Changing whatever it was going to be to fit the new timeline, or making a back up plan in case things get worse. 

> But the original plan had them all free - as far as we know - after november of 2020. so they wouldnt have had active MCR stuff happening for the national anthem comic book release, the electric century album + comic release, the you look like death tua comic release. But those things still happened, because they didnt require having to be in the real world where the plague is. 

> so, what the worms hinge on, is that whatever the New Plan Is, Whatever They Are Doing Now, it involves waiting until all their obligations and projects that SHOULDNT have interfered with MCR stuff - but had to the potential to because of covid - ended. 

> and thats now. thats the next couple weeks. you look like death just finished up, mikeys album and comic are out, and national anthem finishes up in like a week in a half. 

> and then theres nothing (that we know of) until the rescheduled shows happen, or *knocks thrice on wood* they have to reschedule again. 

> and this is where we really enter crazy town:

> so i was thinking about all of these things, and the imagery / themeing for the return (what little we got of it) and how a year ago everybody was pulling out the wheel of the year trying to figure out what they would do next, and when. 

> and March 20th (i know i said march 19th originally, i’ll get into that) is Ostara. 

> if youre not vaguely witchy, its basically a festival for the spring equinox. light and dark are in balance, yadda yadda yadda. and i could go into full on insane depth about the black and white aspects of the return, the witchiness of an offering + a summoning but i wont. it boils down to: its the closest festival to when all of MCR’s calendars are clear as far as we know, and its almost a year to date of when they had to reschedule the shows. 

> and March 19th is a Friday. which is new music release day. Ostara / the equinox are technically on saturday, but its at 5am on saturday morning so ... technicalities. 

> so the worms in my brain say new single on march 19th. or Something on march 19th. or 20th. one of those days. 

> and the worms in my brain also say MCR are a bunch of cruel little shits, and theyre gonna make us wait before they give us anything substantial. 

> so we move to May 1st. 

> May 1st is also known as May Day, also known as Beltane. (We’re back to the wheel of the year for this one) Its the halfway point between the spring equinox and the summer solstice. And its a Saturday. which is NOT new music release day - but hey, its close enough. 

> may day is also like, similar to halloween / samhain in that the veil is supposed to be thinner on those days, and i think theres a connection the imagery and over-all plan wise between coming back on halloween, and possibly doing something on mayday. i dont think they just came back on halloween as a birthday present to frank. 

> so second single on may day, or album? or announcement that theres gonna BE an album? maybe they wont give us a single on ostara but just tease us with something. i dont know. but i think theres something here. 

> im aware this was a lot of words and i basically gave you nothing, but i can only give you what the worms give to me. 

> sorry for being the way i am. hope this helped.