#but bc ive always needed different coping skills than they want me to use

[wylansworkshop]

The next couple days are gonna be so busy and I am not excited

[lemonietrinket]

Camping ||| NCT 127 & WayV x Reader

Start 

Genre: Fluff, adventure, interactive choose-your-own-story Overall Warning(s): References to alcohol use but nothing severe/dangerous, some foul language Word Count: 1014 Ambience: here

AN: not all options are available yet because this is quite a big thing, but I need to get links available otherwise admin is going to become a nightmare

~~~

The night grew cold as if by the flip of a switch, the temperature drop encompassing the valley and drawing in a mild storm not far behind. As soon as everyone had retreated to their tents after feeling the first flecks of rain, the wind rose, buffering the canvas sheets and biting at a loosened tether. Its high-tone crackle was just loud enough to prick at the ears, even through the noise that continued after.

After a couple of drinks prior, as well as several rowdy choruses of old 80s songs and tussles in the fresh grass, even as the rain picked up the many inhabitants continued to shout and call to one another. Some were cackling tipsily from far behind you, a couple were bickering somewhere off round the front, and before long came the inevitable loud whack from one of the furthest tents, with a cacophony of stifled laughter and whines to follow.

You meanwhile inhaled deeply, shutting out the noise and leaving it distant amongst the wind. It was a skill you had taken a while to learn, but had proven to be invaluable with just how much noise your friends were capable of making. Leaving the ruckus, you became mesmerised by the faint dapples of rain rippling across the dark skin of the tent, specks of shadows that made their staggered way out of the hazy spotlight, to merge with the void out of reach of the moon’s light.

The silvery glow from the celestial sister high above had been all that allowed you to see, dimly shimmering through the canvas and casting silhouettes upon your two friends, who despite the chaos outside, were snoring contently. But as the storm ushered in, bringing the brisk chill that only the damp air of a squall in the dimming summer could bring, the chalk dust face disappeared into the thick of the night, leaving little glow to the valley at all. And that in turn left the only source of light being the occasional random torch arcs roaming like strobe lights from the tent next-door—otherwise, everything was pretty much painted of ink.

You couldn’t make out what your temporary neighbours were squabbling about over the wind, but it sounded like much more of a party than it did where you were.  When you had chosen your tent-mates you had expected to have stayed up all night, because surely, if they weren’t here, they would have been at frat parties dancing the dusk through to a waltz with dawn—but in a strange twist of fate here they were, after several drinks, crowned as the first to fall asleep.

Johnny, as soon as he pulled his blankets over him, was out like a light. He had led the charge earlier in the day, and had shown no signs of stopping, gleefully chasing the others around only to throw them over his shoulder when he inevitably caught them; his long strides had proved to be quite the unfair advantage, not that anyone could stop him from playing even if they wanted to. None of that Johnny could be seen in his sleeping features now. With his strong arms scrunched at his chest while his plush lips squished into an unrequited kiss at his pillow, you hadn’t hesitated to take a photo of his precious face for blackmail later. On the furthest mattress from you was Jaehyun, who had insisted on staying up a little longer. He’d gotten a lot more talkative the more he drank, though it meant it wasn’t long before he gave in too, his cheeks rosy from all of his indulgences despite your previous advice and gleaming eyes languidly blinking. He’d passed out diagonally on top of his sleeping bag, one foot shot out at an angle that couldn’t be comfortable no matter how much you considered it, the other—now you thought of it, you had no clue where. It was as if the night had consumed it.

You meanwhile were perched bolt upright, staring into the dark aimlessly, completely unable to sleep. Perhaps it really was the noise that kept you from rest—you may have been used to their seemingly never-ending energy but the incessant clacking of the tent clip would be enough to drive even the most robust insane. Maybe it was the unfamiliar surroundings and the way the shadows pooled in the corners of the tent, too dark to even let the light of a flame escape. Whatever it was, you found yourself unable to catch a wink of the sleep that the other two had succumbed to. You rationalised that they had stolen all the sleep available. 

The small chuckle that had escaped you quickly died down however, as truly, you couldn’t believe your luck. When you’d planned the trip you’d figured that the sun would rise before you slept, but this was what you’d received instead. How had you ended up with the most boring tent? 

Hearing another bout of raucous laughter from somewhere in the distance, and watching Johnny scrunch his nose in response to the increased volume of Jaehyun’s sudden snore, you decided it was time to take action. 

Laying your options out before yourself, your eyes firstly settled on Johnny. You could wake him up, you supposed, to get some conversation at the very least. Alternatively, since he was such a nice person—and since you now began to consider how that wouldn’t be an option, because waking Johnny up had never proved to be any less than a nightmare—maybe you could try to at least hunker down with him. It would no doubt be comfortable, he kicked out a lot of heat after all. Or, after catching Jaehyun mumble something intelligible from the other side of the tent once again, you could try and help him settle properly, especially since you could already hear the others eventually complaining about it when they finally decided to sleep.

That being said, you could also very much ignore both rational options and instead brave the poor weather outside to explore what the other tents had to offer. 

What do you choose?

Try and get Johnny’s attention

Go check on Jaehyun

Venture out into the wilderness

~~~

AN:  this is just a miniseries i thought i would start off with on a whim, bc ive always wanted to try something like this, and also i feel like my blog is dead bc of my creative fluctuations lately 

(tw: mental health, madd) i wont bore people with the details of my mental health disorder, but its being a pain in quarantine for a variety of reasons, and it means my creative output is severely out of whack

basically, the proper long things (such as pirate ateez series, Love endings and such) that i promised are coming! but please bear with me, my brain isnt in the right state to write them yet and i want them to be worthwhile, so this is what im trialling until it is  

there is also no Dream bc it would make just too many options for me to cope with so im really sorry :(  if people like this sort of thing then i will do another which does include them in a different scenario 

sorry, thank you, and i hope you enjoy playing along :)

Masterlist

(edited: July 15 2020)

[aardvaark]

i know everyone gets mad at judy for always checking things like whats happening in the police precinct with the crimes or talking to detectives about those cases and all. i can totally see why jen and all are having a problem with that (steve is technically another example but he can - and lowkey did - die in a hole). it does look dodgy and weird and the situation is stressful for her (”her” being jen - from now on im just gonna refer to jen bc ew steve, so yeah sorry).

i mean i dont like that jen was still being rude or speaking to her like a child except worse and more angrily. she was condescending. but i do understand, at least, the fear resulting in anger at judy.

but ive been thinking about it, and i think the reason judy has a hard time sticking out of these issues is probably because she has previously had to solve every single issue shes experienced alone, when she was young. and she had to be constantly aware - has someone noticed my mother isnt going to school events? has someone noticed that im cooking and cleaning for myself? has someone noticed im tired and stressed? because if a teacher finds out, theyre going to do something, and i dont want to upset my mother because im sure somewhere deep down she really does care and love me sometimes. i dont want to upset anyone at all. 

you’d fear massive changes in your life - everything needs to stay the same, even if its not stable, theres a kind of makeshift stability in constant instability. in always having to manage a crisis. theres steps, theres a mental checklist, theres things to do. she probably thought change would still be worse than this; a total upheaval in the short-term. no guarantee of stability in the future. as things were, she had the guarantee of instability, but it was still a guarantee. 

she’d have to just reason that she could cope with anything. its what i always hear about kids in neglectful or abusive situations, its a pattern i think a lot of us have experienced: “you’re so mature for your age!” / “you’re special (or smart)” / “you’re so grown up!” / “you’re so responsible!” / “you’re sorry kind and sympathetic to your peers!”. this isnt meant to hurt, it doesnt necessarily hurt, its often from other adults who have no idea whats happening. but the behavior theyre seeing is more along the lines of: quiet, constantly alert, anxious, sad, upset, fearful. 

[imo, theres a harmful misconception that quiet/stressed/rarely happy = growing up, becoming more mature. i do think its kind of awful that you’re not meant to have that child-like fascination and excitement with the world when you get older, but its true that just does often go away a little with time, completely naturally. but it can also be harmful to make that A Thing, because childhood depression and anxiety or experiencing potentially traumatic or otherwise stressful and upsetting situations can also lead to showing similar signs - just faster, earlier. and these can be misread as just being very mature for your age. but thats a separate issue i have with the world, lol.]

anyway, so shes found the only option is to hide the problems and present as totally fine. make excuses. lie. keep secrets. these behaviours have stuck with her, too. and so would the feeling that there is constant danger. she must know what the exact extent of the danger is at all times because she must monitor everything. she needs to be on the lookout for threats, because there are always threats. she has to check, be responsible, no one is going to help her, theres an order to the disorder, theres a way to manage the chaos and only she knows how because this is just another crisis. her average state, a day-in-the-life of judy hale.

shes always had to do that, in the context of her growing up. but although its the same feeling of stress, its a different context now, and that behaviour is a lot more suspicious in this situation. especially now, because shes an adult. and now shes not alone in the stressful environment, other people (eg jen w/the murder) want and need a say in how problems are being sorted out. and jen is kinda right, you know, you cant go around checking in with the police, it looks pretty odd. judys form of crisis management isnt applicable here, but judy doesnt really think about that, shes thinking about how best to keep herself safe. and thats how she thinks she is going to be safe, because thats what has worked. in fact, she was doing it because she wants jen to be safe, too. 

shes doing the best she can with what she has, but her childhood was terrible and she never had the opportunity to form normal, more effective, adult-life socially applicable crisis management skills. all she did get was what she had to do as a child, to protect herself in a horribly twisted way, because she was a child who did not get to grow up in the way everyone else did. she missed out on a lot of things that you gain when youre not under extreme pressure just to survive and hide major problems while also having to live with those major problems. she didnt get to learn how to find more subtle ways of getting information, or when it was better to just not interact at all. 

what she learnt let her live back then, it prevented her world from unravelling. how can she be expected to let go of those makeshift survival skills? how can she be expected to go against the instincts that have clearly saved her before? how can she be expected to confront her slowly growing understanding that her life should never have been like that, that she was robbed of her childhood, that she has had a horrible thing happen to her, that countless horrible things have happened to her, how can she be expected to accept that she deserved better than she has ever gotten? how can she be expected to allow herself all these feelings and fears she has been pushing down her entire life?

admitting/realising that she doesnt know what to do, that she isnt safe and cant control the situation by herself, means admitting far too much: it means admitting that she was never meant to be capable of coping by herself, that she actually couldnt cope with literally everything life threw her way no matter what - shes not okay, she didnt have some supernatural ability to somehow deal with everything, and she wasnt supposed to. that her mother knowingly put her in an unsafe situation, and she was not meant to just learn how to cope.

i dont think jen does or really truly can currently realise that, but i hope she starts to see that if she learns more about judy’s mom and all... she definitely didnt get that judy was stressed and actually doing what she thought was great, and also that what she has been doing isnt out of naivety or something, but kind of the opposite - more like she knows too much, has been too exposed, and now shes just applying those things here but it doesnt work here.

[autisticstarseed]

👐 Hand washing guide when you have sensory issues 👐

tbh. we shouldve been talking abt this a long time ago for many disabled ppls sake but ive put this post off for like a million years out of pure solidified fear of ableist harassment/kneejerk ignorance and also generalized cringe idiots but now that we got so much covid-19 fear and autistic ppl actually tend to have weaker immune systems than most people lets jump the shark;;;

i have autism and i physically struggle with washing my hands as often as i want to, having wet hands, drying them, the temperature difference, bad soap smells/textures, etc. are all genuinely painful. the good news is that ive dealt with water aversion shit since birth (its a common sensory issue), so ive had time to figure out alternatives and coping skills that still help reduce risk of disease and spreading it in ways that i can personally manage. (ie. not lazy or selfish or gross. genuinely putting more effort into this every day task than most other people would even think about. just disability lads) so heres the guide i have to offer if you’re in a similar boat, with some keypoints about hand hygiene and tips addressing the most common sensory struggles ive noticed with it;;;

1. hand sanitizer

i love hand sanitizer, i can get it in almost any scent i want and it dries down very very fast. the problem is; hand washing and hand sanitizer do different things. it only kills certain types of germs. which is all fine and dandy, but because of this, using only hand sanitizer wont actually keep you from catching or spreading many illnesses. so what its good for is times you cant wash your hands (out in public, sensory overload, no spoons, etc), thats fine, but it should not replace all hand washing if at all possible. it is supposedly effective to covid-19, but so little is currently known that it should not be considered your go to for this, and the only unanimous statement straight from the CDC is that hand washing works best at preventing its spread.

temperature - if you have trouble with it being too cold, conveniently keeping it in your pocket or closely against your body in some way warms it up and makes it much more comfortable. 

scent - they come in almost any scent you can imagine, but if you have trouble with strong scents, there are ‘scentless hand sanitizers’. they usually have a faint chemical smell, so if there are any testers available, you should check to make sure it can work for you before you buy it.

texture - if gel doesnt cut it, they also make foamy hand sanitizers and liquid sprays, but theyre harder to find and might be a little more pricey.

and remember; always buy hand sanitizer that says it contains AT LEAST 60% alcohol, the higher alcohol content the better, but try to keep track of how high it is and how much you apply it so you dont dry your skin out. and right now price gouging is pretty bad, so dont be surprised if you cant find any for a while, and dont buy any small bottle that costs over a couple dollars, its a rip off.

2. hand washing 

so what does hand washing do thats better than sanitizer??? soap and water lift up the dirt and oils that are carrying the germs and actually wash them off, and not only that, it also gets rid of all the things sanitizer cant, such as dust/dirt, spores, chemicals, and the previously mentioned viruses that are harder to kill. ik to an outside perspective it might not seem that hard, but obviously when you have autism and these tasks are split down into bigger ordeals and sensory nightmares, it can feel impossible. 

soap - there are so many different kinds of soap! scentless soaps exist, and they very rarely have any lingering chemical smell! theres also soap for sensitive skin, and baby soap also works well for that issue. bar soaps can come in all different shapes and sizes, with many different ingredients and additives to choose from (independent soap makers are an amazing source for customized soap btw), and liquid soaps can be pure gel, frothy, mousse-y or even have tiny exfoliating or moisturizing beads in them if thats a sensory experience you enjoy. this is my number one rec for people struggling with hand washing bc of sensory issues;;; mix up the soap. finding one that gives you an okay or even a GOOD sensory experience can completely turn around an otherwise meltdown inducing task

temperature - this is the one thats always been hardest for me. cold water straight up hurts me, and our plumbing is Terrible, so the trick i have for slow pipes is to run the hot water on high as Soon as i get into the bathroom. leave it going and by the time you’re done there should be at least lukewarm water. if this still takes too long for you, try out the various sinks in your house, usually one is able to get hot water faster than the rest (for me its the kitchen sink) and that can become a designated station for you if need be.

texture - some ppl just hate water. if thats the case, it rly doesnt change much abt the process if you use less water, ie work the soap into a lather, and then only use as much as you need to rinse it off. you dont have to keep your hands under the whole time, the soap clings to the dirt, the water takes it off all together, as long as you scrub well and rinse till you see no suds, you’re good 

If it really comes down to it, a washcloth with water+soap, a disinfecting wipe, or even literally just a rinse with plain ol water is better than nothing, but the stream of water and act of rubbing the soap in is the most effective combo against disease. soap/disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizers are your second best option. if theres a time in your life where an issue is so disabling for you that you truly cant keep any of this up, rly the most important thing is to limit your direct physical contact with your face and commonly used objects as MUCH as possible until you can figure smth out. (you kno those old ladies that grab a wipe and open the doorknob with it between their hand and the knob? become that old lady) and if push comes to shove, if a safe and accepting therapy setting is something accessible to you, hygiene struggles are actually something many mental health professionals understand Very well and can help you cope with personally and directly, without shame.

3. hand drying

this is also. my personal hell. and what most people say is the hardest part of the sensory experience. but ya cant just walk around with wet hands right

towels - the obvious choice for most, but to me they actually dont dry enough. i always end up damp and with lint stuck to me. this kills the man. but hand towels do have some variety to them, you can find em with really long fibers or really short/flat, really fuzzy or really stiff, etc. sounds silly but its smth a lot of ppl dont think about that can change a lot. you can also try super absorbent towels (yes like a shamwow), and again baby bath towels are also an option if you want something gentle.

paper towels - yeah a little more wasteful and expensive, but imo much more absorbent. theyre also pretty thin so you can get between your fingers (MY BANE), and under your nails if you use a corner. 10/10

blow drying - ik this is the kind of shit you only see in like movie theaters and malls and they are definitely LOUD AS SHIT, but if you happen to have the money, and struggle more with Textures than Noise, ie a stream of warm air seems worth the sound, you Can actually find a small basic one of these items for your own home. 

4. public restrooms

everybody hates em!!! but you can make em more tolerable;;;

soap - bring your own! little travel soaps you can keep in your bag are a godsend for ppl with sensory issues, sensitive skin/allergies, and if you just prefer not sharing soap.

temperature - most public places i notice actually do get hot water pretty fast (like,,, too fast,,, like,,, it bur ns me) so if there are no faucets and its too hot or too cold, once again you can try different sinks and one might be more comfortable. if there are faucets i recommend grabbing a paper towel to turn it off, so you dont have to touch it again with your clean hands.

sound - WHY R AUTOMTIC FLUSH TOILETS SO FUCKEN LOUDD..... honestly if you have noise cancelling earmuffs or earplugs or w/e pop em in. if you dont have any of that i just literally plug my ears with my fingers when i stand up. if you struggle with the sound of the blow dryers, they almost always have paper towels as well, but its a great idea to carry something like that around in your bag with you just in case. if its really packed and people chattering is getting to you, sometimes the ‘family’ bathrooms are actually smaller and less full. if its bad enough and you feel comfortable asking, an employee might be able to direct you to a single stall bathroom or at least a different one than that.

and though its convenient, try not to use your sleeve to touch things like doorknobs, toilet handles, etc. instead use something disposable like a paper towel or wipe, bc the germs will simply transfer to your sleeve and still risk infecting you. 

5. schedule

the number one suggestion is to wash your hands literally as often as possible during a time like this but like. even for allistic/nt/abled/ ppl thats just not always an attainable schedule so the Best times to wash your hands are;;;

after using the bathroom - the most important time and generally the easiest to get used to. its smth you have to do multiple times a day that already has a schedule, and if you were to forget or go into sensory overload its usually immediately accessible as soon as you can. as i mentioned earlier, if you need help remembering, you can turn the water on when you first get in and leave it going.

the doctors - ANY KIND of health facility should be avoided right now unless really necessary, places where sick people would frequent is the quickest way to get sick but like. ya rly cant help it sometimes right. you cant stop dealing with your own illnesses just bc theres another one floating around. so, this is time to go apeshit on the handwashing. if your health issue involves coughing and sneezing, ask for a face mask. bring a scarf in case they dont have any, its not as great but better than nothing. otherwise, you honestly dont need it, face masks are more for these people bc they keep germs in better than out. whether you’re worried abt getting sick or infecting others, this is a time to use hand sanitizer, avoid physical contact like shaking hands [autistic cheering], and when you first arrive and right before you go to leave are the most important times to remember to wash your hands. 

preparing food - not as commonly spoken about, but also easy to work into a schedule. i personally dont care unless its food for somebody else or if im going to be putting my hands on it a lot, but if thats the case, a lot of the time thats produce you already want to wash in the sink, so you can kill two birds with one stone there. dont just get the germs off your own hands, get em off the fruits and veggies before you eat em. carpool

after grocery shopping - not very common. most ppl just slap some sanitizer/a wipe on there or dont think abt it at all, but if you just got home from walmart thats a great time to wash. you just touched a bunch of items other people touched, including the cart, money/credit cards, and all the products people will pick up and put back, so its prime germ time babey. But again, sanitizer or a wipe will help if its all you can manage after a trip out like that.

before self care - also uncommon. ppl always say ‘dont touch your face’ and ‘apply this product with clean hands’, and what they mean is that one of the fastest ways germs get into your system is through your mouth, nose, eyes and ears. if you’re simply washing your face theres not as much concern, but applying a mask, moisturizer, makeup, etc. should all be done after a gentle rinse of your hands (and face). very hard to get into the schedule of, but if you consider it a Part of your ‘self care’ or use a special fun cleanser, it can stick a little easier.

6. stim items

STIM ITEMS!! if you have stim items, its a good idea to clean them regularly, but even moreso during an outbreak like this.

rubber/plastic - if it goes in your mouth, hot water (not hot enough to melt!) and dish soap, if it doesnt, look up how to safely make a diluted bleach solution.

silicone - silicone is usually dish washer safe.

fabric - if its light, add bleach to the washing machine, if its colored, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide which are less likely to discolor any dyes. lysol detergent is also super great. small items you’re worried about losing, or items with details/loose parts, you can usually wash inside of a sealed pillow case. 

‘squishies’ - for ‘mochi’ squishies aka the rubbery ones, soap and water + some dusted baby powder or corn starch (optional) to keep it from grabbing lint for a while. for foam squishies, they can rarely be deep cleaned without the risk of growing mold or taking paint off, but a disinfecting wipe every now and then should keep it clean for a while.

slime - cant be disinfected, sorry. also a breeding ground for mold if you arent careful, so its always best to cycle through these quickly.

technology - cant really be completely sterilized, but there are many places to get sprays and cleaning wipes for the devices you use that can at least keep the areas your hands frequently touch a little cleaner.

BUT of course if your item comes with instructions on how to wash it, always follow that instead. this is just a general idea.

and as a final note;;; disabled ppl should not feel guilty or dirty for struggling with this. like. man idc abt ur cringe feels or your ignorant blame or your lack of understanding/sympathy for what goes into these tasks for us. if u dont wanna get our struggles and sensitivities when we’re working twice as hard on functioning tasks which personal ease you take for granted, thats on you. @ disabled people if you struggle with maintaining the same standard of hygiene as nts you arent gross or bad fucking person, you’re disabled and by definition that means your level of functioning will be different, and you deserve sympathy. its just that germs dont discriminate, they wanna cause problems for everybody involved (especially you!!!), so Anything you can manage is Great and if anything from this post can help make it a little easier for people in any way, i feel its absolutely necessary to talk about with respect and dignity. people with autism/adhd/sensory processing disorder/similar neurodivergencies/literally anybody else this could benefit, pls feel free to add on any tips you might have or send me questions. let disabled ppl help disabled ppl do our personal bests

[broodsys]

negative /

while i have a lot of issues (and some trauma tbph) around dbt, i still use a ton of the coping skills and interpretations today.

and lately i have been a different kind of depressed, a despairing rather than an empty kind, and it's really, really hard to do... anything. the whole idea of being a long term participant in the world is appalling. and this is a really hard place to be and im so lost.

but in dbt, there was this idea of 'building a life worth living' and it wasn't just abt Making Things Good, it was abt building even incredibly small positive experiences, things to ease the pain and reframe how you perceived the world, and im trying to do that. im trying to get excited abt my degree path again, or abt gaming, or abt writing, reading, listening to music, singing, drawing, my pets, my relationships, anything. and it's helping but only a little bit, bc despite all of those being things i genuinely like or love, im just exhausted and eternally drained. im sick and disabled and can't break out of the narrative that inexorably connects me to the household and my immediate family and the major difficulties here re accessibility. i feel completely out of my depth this term and ive been on the verge of a breakdown for, idk, 3 weeks now? maybe a month.

all i do is try to distract and preoccopy myself, which isn't healthy bc i need rest and relaxation, not to try and constantly engage myself to avoid being at home, not when im almost always at home and not when i do and feel sm worse (physically) when im NOT at home.

i mean, ive tried to get a job since i was 16. all i wanted to do was get ahead enough to get out of here. but it's so uphill and my support system is p much y'all and that's not okay for me or you guys. im skipping my first class today bc i can't face having another day from 1030-8pm, despite having had thurs-sun off. but when im here time off isn't really time off