#but at this stage he values the ability to hide them more than his own physical comfort

[broodwoof]

y'know, fenris' hair in da2 is interesting bc it serves to cover up some of the lyrium tattoos. idk if the forehead dots were actually part of his model in that game or if they were added later, but either way - it serves a distinct purpose. he can't hide them all but he does hide those he can

just an interesting bit of food for thought

[imagineanime2022]

Hidden

Osamu Dazai X GN!Reader

Word Count: 1425

Requested: Anon

Request: Can you write dazai x reader who got injured but tries to hide it?

Dazai didn’t often care for other people. In fact they were often disposable pawns in his plans unless they were part of the ADA. You started off as the target of a mission, later becoming a member of the ADA due to your ability to track and follow people. Your ability allows you to mark up to 3 people to track and follow unnoticed, however you have to have seen the person before and marked them while they were in your sight.

Dazai didn’t think much of you at first, that is until you were ordered to track and follow him to make sure that he didn’t get into anything that he couldn’t handle. This led to you finding out about his previous profession.

You don’t know what tips Dazai off but he found out that you knew and you were minding your own business on your way home when he ambushed you “There you are.” He said as he fell into step next to you. “I’ve been in the same building as you all day Dazai.” You reminded him, rolling your eyes as you continued on your way home. “Mmm, never alone though.” He smirked as he watched you frown as if trying to figure something out. “Is there something that I can help you with?” You asked, turning off the main road towards your small apartment building. “Help me with?” Dazai repeated the question to himself before moving forward in a burst of speed pressing you to the wall behind you. “Actually there is something that you can help me with.” “What’s that?” You asked, he would have been confused by your ability to brush off his actions, if he wasn’t sure that you had been sent by someone worse than him. “Who sent you to watch me?” He asked. “The boss.” You answered. “He wanted me to make sure that you didn’t get into anything that you couldn’t handle, I assume he was worried about your past coming back to haunt you.” “You expect me to believe that?” He asked. “I don’t, honestly I’m surprised that it took you so long to accuse me of being an enemy.” Dazai had the physical edge, he was bigger and stronger than you were, he had more experience than you did in fighting and in extension killing people so your only option was to answer all of his questions. “You don’t seem worried about it.” He informed you and you shrugged. “I’m not worried, honestly I’ve never put much stock in living.” You answered “not in the sense that I don’t value my life but more in the sense that I know how fragile it is and how infinitely stupid it is of me to think that I can stop it from breaking.” Dazai stopped, almost like something had opened up to him, something you had opened up to him, he stepped back away face cast down as his shoulders began to shake. Then a real and rich laugh pulled from his lips, he waved at you before turning and walking away leaving you confused.

The next morning he greeted you like an old friend and was with you any time that he could be, leaning over you, ruffling your hair, whispering in your ear or initiating some form of contact. It became so normal in the following years that none of the other members questioned it or knew how to explain it to the new additions even when it settled into a relationship.

While Dazai was forever looking for a way to exit stage left in the play of life, he was very aware of your ability to find danger without really looking. He never liked when you were on missions alone (which meant he didn’t like you going on missions) but never said anything because that would be hypocritical and he had no time to argue with you.

The true trouble rose with the addition of Atsushi who brought with him the Mafia interference, you were given the task of following Atsushi and reporting back when someone made a move for the bounty. Unfortunately the first time that it happened, they sent Akutagawa and he did not waste time, you realised that you needed to buy more time for them to get there, so despite the fact that you had no fighting skill you jumped into the fray after Atsushi, Niaomi and Junichiro were both knocked out. “You are?” Akutagawa asked as he looked over to where you landed. “Me… I’m just a friend.” You answered. “Mm.” He hummed as he knocked you away from Junichiro, your head and back knocking against the wall of the alley. “Damn.” You groaned, pushing yourself up from the floor. “I would say it’s impressive the beating that you can take but it seems that’s all you're good for.” Now he was looking down at you. “I’m good for a distraction.” You muttered pushing up onto your hands and knees as he frowned. “What?” He asked. “That’s enough Akutagawa.” Dazai spoke, everything seemed to freeze for a second before Akutagawa turned to the man that had spoken. “You're just as useless as the day I left you.” “Shut up!” Akutagawa lashed out at Dazai who immediately nullified his ability. “Are you okay?” He asked. “Yeah.” You answered pushing to your feet, it only took a few more taunting words from Dazai to get Akutagawa to leave, you helped him get the others back to the office, slinking off to tend to yourself.

You leant against the sink rolling your shoulders and trying to become familiar with the pain that coursed through your shoulders when you moved them, finally deciding that you were ready to face the rest of the day you walked out of the bathroom, coming face to face with Dazai. “Were you waiting for the-” “Are you okay?” He asked. “Yeah I already told you I’m fine.” You answered. “You're sure?” He asked. “Yes.” You answered. “Mmm.” He hummed, you walked past him and back towards the office, he watched you carefully and while he couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary he was sure that there was something.

It was later on that day that you had to admit to the injury, Ranpo had come back to the office and he, like many of the other members, liked to hang off of you like a child and have you catch anything that he can’t. Today was no different “(Y/N)!” Ranpo yelled as he dove at you, luckily you were sitting so the impact of the jump didn’t affect you too much, just started off a dull ache in your shoulder. “Hey Ranpo, how was the case you were assigned to?” You asked. “Easy… They keep saying that they don’t need me but I don’t know what they would do without me.” Ranpo muttered thoughtfully as he unwrapped one of his many sweets. “What about you? What did you do?” “Got in a fight.” You answered. “But you can’t fight.” A look of disapproval took over his face as you shrugged, flinching but that went unnoticed by everyone except for Dazai who had been watching you closely. “Mmm, someone had to distract the threat and save the day.” You joked, he giggled with you and easily moved on. Dazai came over the moment that Ranpo changed his attention to someone else, he grabbed your hand and pulled you with him. “Where are we going?” Dazai didn’t answer, instead he pulled you back to the restroom of the office, guiding you in and locking the door. “Show me.” He ordered. “Show you?” You repeated letting confusion slip into your tone. “He hurt your shoulder didn’t he?” He asked. “It’s nothing, just a bruise.” You answered. “Did Yasano tell you that?” He asked. “I can see a bruise, Dazai.” You grumbled and he gestured for you to turn, you did as you were told and Dazai helped you gently move your arm out of the sleeve and lifted your shirt to show him your shoulder. His fingers gently run over it watching your reaction before nodding to himself. “We’re still going to Yasano.” He informed you. “For what?” You asked, turning to look at him and shoving your arm through the sleeve and regretting the action immediately. “For something for the pain.” He answered, pressing a kiss to your temple “at least do that.” “Fine… Fine.” You agreed leaning into him, he gave you a second before unlocking the door and leading you to the doctor.

Request Here!!

[princessjojo-x]

LeoVenus ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

💝 he wears his heart on his sleeve & always approaches love with bravery. he’s never shy to make the first move & he’s very open abt who he has a crush on. he doesn’t even try to hide his feelings bc he knows he’s bad at it.

💝 initially, he’ll act more like a house cat rather than a lion. he’ll analyse & observe his love interest with a straight face & detached vibe. he’ll leave her guessing & pinning after his affections, which can make her feel unwelcome & unwanted by him. however, once she’s won him over & he realises her worth, he’ll pounce & hunt her down. at this stage he’ll become more open, talkative & friendly with her.

💝 he may cause arguments within rxship out of boredom bc he’s drawn to drama & fireworks. also, his bruised egos may lead to passive-aggressive behaviour & prolonged sulks.

💝 he loves himself first & won’t let you forget that. driven by the desire to be admired & adored, he can come across as snobby & is likely to prioritise his own needs over his partners, leading to an imbalance in the rxship.

💝 he hangs on to dying rxships bc he’s extremely loyal & forgives easily. he desperately needs to be loved & feel love for someone.

💝 when he experiences breakups, he maintains a strong & confident exterior, even if he’s hurting internally. he’ll struggle with his wounded pride & ego. consequently, he might seek validation & attention from others to boost his self-esteem during this vulnerable time.

💝 it’s unlikely he’ll hide his partner bc he prefers to love out loud. he wants a partner he is proud of & is proud of him in return.

💝 he is the best gift giver amongst all the venus signs & he is especially generous with his partner.

💝 sexually, he is open to adventures & experiments as long as it doesn’t lead to a sense of humiliation.

💝 he has an inherent ability to radiate positive motivation, make others feel special & validate people’s point of view. the only time he doesn't fill someone with extraordinary support is when he realises that person is a potential competitor.

💝 you rarely see him have ugly days bc he’s so well kept.

💝 he enjoys being around people & feels lonely easily.

Turn On’s:

💝 leo placements are known to have a lot of confidence, yet leo venuses tend to question their place in their partners lives a lot & need constant reassurance to feel sure of their partner’s love for them. he wants constant attention, obsession & expression of emotions from his partner. he even likes his partner to beg for his attention. he feels loved when being spoiled, praised & applauded so tell him you’re proud of them. he has a fundamental need for positive & supportive feedback. if it's negative or not supportive enough, he can inwardly feel unworthy. compliment him but only genuinely & at the right timing.

💝 he loves grand gestures & larger displays of love.

💝 he prefers to be the leader or in charge since he hates taking orders. but he needs a woman who is strong & assertive, not weak & caving in.

💝 he dates for a good time, not to be overly serious. he enjoys flirting & playing around. playing is very important to this placement so whenever you are together, wherever you are, whatever boring thing you are doing they will make it fun. promise him fun, adventure & laughter. he needs a partner who is the life of the party (outgoing, warm, happy, optimistic. honest caring).

💝 he enjoys chasing (playing cat & mouse) so ensure to be hard to get.

💝 he wants a partner who’s like a celebrity, catching everyone’s eye, but only having eyes for him.

(popular, sociable, respected, widely attracted, impressive, sought after, bold, confident, radiant, charismatic, proud). she is sure of herself, has strong values & high respect for those she’s closest to. she makes noise wherever she goes & rarely lets other people override her opinion.

💝 his ideal lover will have a fire sign sun, moon or asc.

💝 he wants a partner who is always overdressed in attention grabbing clothing bc he wants everyone staring at her! he likes anything shiny, bold, extra, unique, extraordinary, creative & fun; titties out, booty out, excessive makeup, XL acrylics, hoop earrings, leopard print, designer accessories, tacky clothing, flower crowns, highlighters, gold eye shadow, crop tops, etc. dress brightly in colours ruled by the sun (yellow, bronze & gold).

💝 all fire venus’s want a passionate partner who encourages them to be confident & expressive, they want someone to be proud of them.

Turn Off’s:

💝 someone who is negative, selfish, patronising, unoriginal & domineering.

💝 never judge him for being generous or kind to you/others.

💝 don’t ever question or humiliate him in public.

💝 if you do something to try make him feel insecure in himself. (same for all fire venus)

💝 ghost him (this will HURT)

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

lilia and uncle iroh

“Leaves from the vine, falling so slow… Like fragile, tiny shells drifting in the foam. Little soldier boy comes marching home… Brave soldier boy comes marching home.”

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how similar Lilia and Iroh’s character development is 🤔 At a surface level, they’re both the wise mentor types that guide their somewhat misguided or naive pupils—but the parallels run even deeper than that!! I wanted to go over those in this post; maybe it would help us appreciate how far Lilia has come on his own merits ever since his war general days.

***Spoilers for book 7 of TWST and Avatar the Last Airbender (only the animated series, not other ATLA materials)!!***

To begin, let's set the stage for the character we'll be comparing Lilia to: Iroh. The show Avatar the Last Airbender takes place in a heavily Asian inspired world where some have the ability to bend an element: earth, water, fire, or air. At present, the Fire Nation has been waging a 100 years long war on the other nations in an imperialistic bid for power. Iroh, while presented as a kind and peaceful old man in modern day, was once a leading general for the Fire Nation. He was an active warmonger and, as the eldest son of the Fire Lord, set to inherit the throne, and the legacy of bloodshed and violence that came with it. Notably, even during his days as a general, Iroh still came off as mild-mannered and had a sense of humor (joking about how magnificent Ba Sing Se is, but saying that his niece and nephew may not get to see it because he might just burn it to the ground first). Iroh is also characterized as being more kind and forgiving than his younger brother Ozai, as he lied about slaying the last dragons to allow them to go into hiding and prevent people from hunting them into extinction. His personality still persists during all of this time. The event that would shake Iroh's life and serve as the impetus for turning his back on the war efforts was at the siege of Ba Sing Se, a city known for its impenetrable walls. There, Iroh managed to breech the Outer Wall and fully intended to finally conquer the city thought to be unconquerable--until he tragically lost his one and only son, Lu Ten, on the front lines. This destroyed Iroh's fighting spirit, causing him to abandon the siege and branding him a failure and a coward in the eyes of his family members.

When Iroh's father passed away under mysterious circumstances, it was his younger brother Ozai who was named as the successor. Iroh had lost the will to fight for his birthright, as he was still grieving for his son. Instead, a disillusioned Iroh left his role in the military and politics to embark on a worldly journey, visiting multiple other nations and learning from their unique cultures. At first, he was filled with great shame at his "failure" to become the Fire Lord--but with time, Iroh realized that avoiding his ascension to the throne was actually a stroke of good fortune. He turned away from the aggression and imperialism of his home country and began seeing the value in peace and balance in all things. Later on, Iroh would serve as a vital mentor and father figure to his nephew and Ozai's son, Zuko, who was banished from home and sent to capture the one person who could stop their victory in the war: the Avatar. Having been disgraced and practically renounced by his own father, Zuko had very few people left to turn to. It was his Uncle Iroh who accepted him with open arms and tried to support him through these difficult times. On their hunt, Zuko is very clearly still in a dark place, constantly insisting that he "needs to capture the Avatar" and that he needs to "regain his honor". Meanwhile, Iroh does what he can to calm his nephew and pass on wise words, extoling the virtues of peace and recognizing the importance of other nations. He urges Zuko to seek inner peace and to determine his own destiny, rather than act out a destiny that someone else has decided for him. We later learn that Iroh sees Zuko as his own son ever since he lost Lu Ten to the war, and we see this compassion and care similarly reflected in how he treats everyone around him. Rarely does Iroh ever express anger or hatred, not even when faced with men intent on harming him. One notable example of this is when a robber demands all of his money, and all Iroh does is disarm him and correct his weak stance. They then sit down, have tea, and talk about the robber's future prospects. This segment infamously comes from Iroh's segment in the episode Tales of Ba Sing Se, in which he's living in the city he once laid siege to as a refugee of war. In it, Iroh goes about his day giving helpful advice to the various people he comes across. This all culminates in the penultimate moment where he scales a hill outside the city and prepares a memorial in honor of Lu Ten. "Happy birthday, my son. If only I could have helped you too." These lines completely recontexualize everything Iroh has been doing up until this point in the series. Literally everything he does and says comes, in part, from the guilt he feels for the part he played in the war and the countless people scarred by it, including himself and his own family. He saw it happen to Lu Ten, and he fears it happening to Zuko and the numerous others touched by the horrors of war. After all, war and hatred do not discriminate. Everyone is affected by it, and Iroh is now wise enough to understand that and to wish for no one to go down the same dark path he once was. ... But hey, this is mostly meant to be a Twisted Wonderland post, so let's finally get to how any of this is relevant to Lilia.

Like Iroh, Lilia was a general to his country's military during a war. In Lilia's case, they were on the losing side, as fae were greatly outnumbered by humans and repulsed by the iron human soldiers wore in combat. The fae weren't the aggressors, but rather people who were trying to defend their territory and resources from invading humans who were tearing apart nature. From what we've observed of him in his book 7 dreamscape, the Lilia of the past is different from what we know now. He maintains his teasing humor and love of surprises, but comes off as gruff and closed off, acting suspicious of others and rejects the idea of wanting or having children. Most shockingly of all though, Lilia states that he has no interest in going to Night Raven College or really engaging with other races. This is a huge departure from modern day Lilia, who encourages his dorm members (most notably Malleus and Sebek) to go out of their comfort zones and to make efforts to understand their peers. He is also known for instilling in Silver a desire to unite people of all races (something which Silver explains to the pixies in Fairy Gala: If). Lilia even uses his wish during the Star Sending to wish for a peaceful world where everyone can live in harmony. He made LARGE strides in his worldview in the hundreds of years between then and now. It's important to note that Lilia often travels and talks about how much the world has changed. This, I assume, would lend to his knowledge and acceptance of many different races and cultures, similar to how Iroh's travels imparted knowledge and appreciation in him. Given how abrasive Lilia was during the war era (plus his refusal to consider other races), I'd surmise his travels started after the war ended.

All that's missing now is the impetus for Lilia's change in behavior: the Lu Ten to Iroh, so to speak. For Lilia, I think it's actually a compounding of many factors: firstly, his best friend (and Malleus's father) Levan, the messenger sent to an enemy fortress goes missing. Secondly, we can infer that his princess Meleanor (and Malleus's mother) must have been killed by humans (as Malleus says in modern day that his only living relative is his mother, and we are currently on a book 7 cliffhanger knowing that humans have ambushed the castle where she is staying)... leaving Lilia to pick up the pieces of a war-ravaged country and with an egg that has yet to hatch. I think it’s safe to say though that Lilia probably felt immense guilt at Malleus, still unborn, having to be raised without parents, by someone who doesn’t understand parental love himself—and perhaps Lilia took up that mantle to atone for being unable to protect them. It was also, after all, Meleanor’s wish that Lilia protect her son and ensure he hatch in her stead if something horrible befell her. Maybe, in another way, you could say that Lilia eventually wants to avoid war so that no one has to suffer such cruel, unnecessary loss as Malleus, Silver, or he did ever again.

Then we also learn that Lilia started raising Silver because he wishes to understand humans—a sentiment that Levan expressed to his friend. It was also Levan that kept the NRC invitation letter safe for Lilia, an implication to reconsider. And so Lilia willingly raises child of a sworn enemy, the Dawn Knight. We see how Silver in particular softens Lilia and changes his worldview and, most notably, Silver so innocently wished his father good health with an acorn amulet. That amulet would become Lilia’s most prized possession, and he kept it all these years later despite the acorns losing their freshness. It’s in raising Silver that Lilia recognizes and learns to appreciate the fragility that is human life and hardens his resolve to defend what he once deemed relatively unimportant.

In Lilia's case, his impetus comes from the guilt of not being there at the crucial moment to protect his sovereign--and later down the line, from the disillusionment of knowing that he had a part in escalating the conflict that would ultimately harm humans and fae alike. This may be whey he so readily adopts a policy of peace and acceptance of other races when we see in at NRC. Not only that, but it was the first person he lost, Levan, that encouraged Lilia to open his heart to other races. His enlightening travels, his experiences with raising children who are innocent and rely on him for survival, and the guilt setting in all feed into Lilia's change of heart, his desire to not see history repeat itself, and his vision of world peace. That's why he's so keen to instill these same values into those he mentors: because he knows that, someday, he won't be here anymore to spread them. While he's still around, he wants Malleus, Sebek, and Silver to carry on his legacy, to make his dream a reality.

Truthfully, Lilia could have easily gotten mad. He could have closed himself off. He could have become hateful and sought revenge. He could have blamed humans for what they took from him. It speaks immensely to his strength as an individual that he didn't, and that he instead learned from his mistakes to ensure they don't happen again. Lilia still very much has pride in his home country and its royal family. However, the difference now is that he has opened himself up to other sources, seeing that there is something wonderful in every corner and facet of the world.

Both Iroh and Lilia are wise, loving mentor characters who have developed in their own ways far before the main show/story events begin to pan out. One might even argue their development is "already finished" long before the other characters even start on theirs, which puts them in a good position to lead others. Age grants them the edge of knowledge and being able to impart that onto the younger generation, not only to avoid imminent disaster, but to create a better world for all.

[bcbyteeth]

ABOUT ROMAN | Must you keep my baby teeth in the bedside table with your jewelry.

CHARACTER BASICS

NAME: Romanyuk Konstenko aka Roman Kon

AGE: Twenty-Nine

GENDER & PRONOUNS: Cis man, He/Him

FACE CLAIM: Dylan O'Brien

EYE COLOR: Brown

HAIR COLOR: Dark Brown

HEIGHT: 5′11″

DATE OF BIRTH: September 7th

ZODIAC SIGN: Virgo

LEVEL OF EDUCATION: High School Diploma

RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION: N/A

OCCUPATION: Ballet Dancer for the Los Angeles Ballet Company

HOMETOWN: Kyiv, Ukraine

NEIGHBORHOOD: West Point Homes

CHARACTER HISTORY [TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHILD ABUSE/NEGLECT]

The Konstenko name is gilded in grace overseas, holding a titular title as one of the most prestigious families devoted to professional ballet. Anichka Konstenko, following her own mother’s footsteps, paved the path for the engraving of their name in the industry as one of the youngest dancers to be part of three separate international companies and taking a lead at just sixteen years old. Her platform was built on the strength of her delicacy but also her insistence that she was far from fragile. However, her career that was promising to go farther than the usual retirement of most dancers was brought to an abrupt hault. Anichka became pregnant and was not only unable to dance, but never able to renew her contract again with the age in which she wanted to jump back in.

However, Anichka refused to believe her career was over and meshed into her new life as a mother to Romanyuk. She believed her son carried her talents and lovingly cultivated them for success following everything she had done right in her career, and avoiding everything she had done wrong. It was more than luck that her son carried the same passion she did but instead of feeding into a shared love, it drew out an obsession. Roman’s proficiency didn’t just encourage her and reinstate her sense of value, but challenged her own perception of her career. Her love grew into a hate where whether Roman moved along impressively or fell behind compared to previous performances. Dance was truly his guardian not only as what raised him, but protected him as it allowed him to create some distance between him and his abuser by attending dance academies in Ukraine, Russia, and France where he followed his mother’s reputation of signing with various companies to learn new techniques.

Despite the cushion of his mother’s reputation, Roman had different standards to follow as a man in ballet and her namesake only allowed so much for him to climb. He learned, just as his mother had before him, that he could use his body and sex to get not only what he needed but what he wanted even if he wasn’t deserving of it.

At fifteen, he took a the opportunity to get out from his mother’s thumb. There was an opening in the Los Angeles Ballet Company, miles away from his home. It was a risk to try and apply at his age, but he was accepted upon his background. He devoted his time to as many challenging productions as he could even if the shows were tied smaller theaters and operas, or carried an experimental title. Roman learned to measure his worth on how far he could push his body.

His name didn’t carry much power in America, and he had to find a way to support himself upon limited funding. It was once again through his body that he learned to get what he needed, and he used his charm to get what he simply wanted as well.

PRESENT DAY

Roman’s career, however, is coming to its end and soon enough he feels he’ll have to return home. He suffered an injury to his hip that was deemed the butchering of his ability to dance, but he pushed through. The only trouble is that the most he pushes it, he risks more than just not being able to go up on stage. Roman, however, is determined to go out with a bang if this is what costs him ever dancing professionally again so he continues to push himself hard.

HEADCANONS [TRIGGER WARNING FOR ALCOHOLISM, VIOLENCE]

Roman has a slight accent no matter how hard he tries to hide it, specifically around ‘a’ vowels. When he’s drunk, it’s very thick and he tends to lose most English pronunciation.

He can speak English and Ukrainian fluently, understands Russian and French, but he cannot read French well at all and tends to mispronounce a lot. This is because he attended school in the three countries where he had to learn enough to understand instruction.

As a means of coping with essentially running away from his life in Europe and the possibility that his dance career is over, Roman has dabbled in drinking socially. As of late, once he starts drinking he can’t stop. He takes advantage of the fact that he’s celebrating to the extent that the dance company knows to keep him around for recognition at the beginning of events, and then quickly have him escorted home.

His biggest vice at the moment? Dance can only do so much, and even though he’s determined to keep doing it, Roman knows he has to find somewhere else to ensure he doesn’t implode. He likes to test his luck with anyone willing to go for a brawl, finding some semblance of comfort in disclosed locations to fight it out.

CURRENT CONNECTIONS

TBD

WANTED CONNECTIONS

The good ol’ classic hook up, whether it be something consistent or a one night stand that he gave into

People he’s come across in the city because of work or something else, such as patrons to the dance company or people with tickets to see shows

Friends growing up since he’s been in town since he was fifteen!

[cryo-lily]

I don’t think I’ve formally posted about these two before, but eh- better late than never.

So about the chaos that is Isadola’s Parents...

First we have:

Tilera Colet Shir, Isadola’s Mother.

Former Sith Lord; descendant of Kallig and descended from the very few Miraluka that sold out the Miralukan colony of Katarr to Darth Nihilus.

A powerhouse in the force and martial ability there was rarely a challenge or task she was given that she could not overcome. Trained in using two lightsabers, but her signature in battle was her ability to wield red force lightning.

In her younger days, She once battled a Padawan named Satele Shan that nearly resulted in both being killed. But ended up challenging Tilera’s view on the force and her growing doubt about the Empire and her place in it.

Eventually a few years later after her doubts about the Empire grew and her connection to the force began to heavily sway between light & dark. She decided to flee the Empire after killing her master for attempting to slaughter a city to burn a group of Jedi out of hiding.

With the help of a newly minted rouge Cipher Agent she became entangled with she managed to disappear from the Empire’s radar and into neutral space. Refusing to join the Republic for some of the same reasons she left the Empire.

Though her life only became harder as the years went on before her eventual death not long after.

Now as for that Rouge Cipher Agent...

Donovan Teiner, Isadola’s Father.

His background was wiped from the records when he fell into the service Imperial intelligence. Also a Miraluka he’s able to mostly pass as human at first glance and the skill to slip by any scanners that might say otherwise.

Equally powerful in the force but hid his most of his abilities to instead mostly use blasters and sniper rifles, he is a nearly unparalleled sharpshooter. But when pushed into a corner his foes rarely live long enough to retaliate when he’s pushed to use he’s force abilities; He has a special talent for creating Death fields. But his real assets being his intelligence & guile, he was a born spy.

Donovan had a talent for the spy work and information gathering that Imperial intelligence required. But with higher ambitions than the ranks he was given. After being fed up with feeling stifled by his employers, Donovan eventually defected and was struck from Intelligence’s records when he began to siphon information for his own uses and killed several other Cipher Agents.

After discovering a falling Sith Lord he began to manipulate to help aid his escape from the Empire by promising her an escape of her own if she aided him. This eventually leading to him staging a massacre of both Republic & Imperial forces and making both sides point the finger at the other.

After finally being free of the Empire’s chains Donovan went on to cultivate his own network as a nameless information broker, playing both the Republic and Empire as he saw fit for power or money or just plain chaos.

He is not a good man, and if you have heard of him someone in his employ is not doing their jobs and won’t be around much longer when he eventually finds out. He values control, and won’t let anything stand in the way of his ambitions, not even a former lover.

I plan to write more about them as I get more of my wips done for this entire legacy. But given how pivotal of a role each of them played in shaping Issie into the woman she is currently, whether they liked it or not, I couldn’t help but share a little about them.

Tilera & Donovan’s story isn’t a happy one, and their “family” isn’t one that would be planning to spend Life day together, let alone anything. Tilera’s previous entanglement with Donovan would eventually lead to her death down the line; when she failed to try and protect Isadola from him when Donovan eventually learned of Issie’s existence.

Issie slipped from Donovan’s grasp due to Tilera’s sacrifice, and Isadola was safe from her father, for a couple of decades at least...

[ijwrsmff]

Can I request the fluff alphabet for Kokichi? All of it, if you can. Thank you :)

Here you go! Hope you like it! I have such a love hate relationship with this boy XD

A-Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?)

He likes to play games! Video games, card games, board games, he doesn’t really care. He especially likes ones that he’s better than you at. He does like to win, afterall.

B-Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?)

Determination. If you’re determined, no matter what it may be for, he respects it. He loves nothing more than to see you work at what you’re passionate about. He may not HELP you to learn it, but he does enjoy sitting and watching you put in the work.

C-Comfort (how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack/etc.?)

He’s...not very good at comforting you. He tries, he really does, but often he’ll make jokes to make you laugh...but sometimes you’re really not in the mood to laugh so it comes across as insensitive.

D-Dreams (how do they picture their future with their s/o?)

He’s already planned your future in 50 different scenarios. He’ll make you look at each and every one of them until you pick one you like. Then? He’ll do anything in his power to make it happen.

E-Equal (are they the dominant one in their relationship or are they more passive?)

He likes to be in charge, but occasionally he’d like you to make the choices. Little stuff, he’ll always be in charge. Stuff like what you’re going to eat he will always choose, but bigger decisions like what kind of car you’ll buy...he’d rather you make the choice. Though he will make his stance clear no matter who will be making the decision.

F-Fight (would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?)

He would never get physical with you, but he would yell. A lot. Especially if he feels like he’s being ignored. He really...really can’t stand the feeling of being ignored. He’s always ready to fight, but tries to calm himself down before it escalates to that. It doesn’t work every time...but sometimes it does when he’s in a particularly good mood.

G-Gratitude (How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?)

He often takes things for granted. Especially in the beginning of the relationship. But once you become more intimate with each other he spends every day thinking about how lucky he is to have you.

H-Honesty (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?)

Soooooo many secrets. About what he does, how he’s feeling, sometimes even if he’s unhappy with something you did. He’ll keep it all a secret and avoid your questions by asking another question to throw you off.

I-Inspiration (Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?)

You really change each other. He makes you feel grateful for what you have, and you make him feel grateful for...well everything. If he didn’t have you, he wouldn’t have near the drive to accomplish things relating to his ultimate.

J-Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?)

God...he gets so jealous. He doesn’t show it, but even you talking to other people can sometimes send a ping of jealousy right to his heart. He’ll laugh about it and join in on whatever conversation you’re having, sending a warning glare to whoever you were talking to. Now if someone was flirting with you...he’d go eerily quiet. He’d pull you away from that person and send a glare their way...but only in his eyes. His signature grin will be on his face the whole time, which is somehow scarier.

K-Kiss (are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?)

He’d initiate your first kiss rather quick. He likes to show how he’s feeling with actions rather than words, so kisses will be frequent. As for how good he is...well he’s had SOME practice. He’s a very enthusiastic kisser if anything and that makes up for any lack of skill.

L-Love confession (how would they confess to their s/o?)

“Y/n~” He would lean in close, making a blush form on your cheeks, “Guess what?”

“What?”

“You have a not so secret admirer~”

You would pause, not knowing if this was another one of his games.

You finally caved and asked “who?”

That’s when he leans up and kisses your cheek.

“Me! That’s who! You must be so happy to know your obvious feelings for me are returned!”

M-Marriage (do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?)

At first he is 100% against marriage. But...after getting closer to you his views have changed. Now...he actually has hope for the future as long as you’re in it. He would make a grand display of his proposal, going to the fanciest restaurant. He would tap his wine glass, just to get everyone’s attention. When things quiet down he’ll stand in front of you, looking more hesitant than you’ve ever seen him as.

“Marry me!” He would proclaim before putting on the ring before you had the chance to respond.

“Oh, it’s okay you don’t have to say it. I know you’ll say yes.”

N-Nicknames (what do they call their s/o?)

He plays around with nicknames frequently, trying out each and every one he can think of and taking note of the ones that worked the best on you. His personal favorite is darling. He likes that it shows how dear you are to him.

O-On cloud nine (what are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious to others? How do they express their feelings?)

He buys you a lot...a LOT of things. You mentioned something the day before? Oh look it’s on your doorstep. He catches you looking at something in one of the store windows? He’s dragging you in to buy it. This makes it rather obvious when he’s in love because you will always be wearing SOMETHING he bought you. Be it a new shirt or jewelry, whatever makes you happy.

P-PDA (are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?)

He’s very upfront. He’ll let anyone and everyone know that you’re his. He’s yours too but...he would never admit to it. He would kiss you if you were on stage in front of a thousand people. He doesn’t care what others think, he just likes to show you’re together.

Q-Quirk (some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship?)

He’s a good leader, so if anything began to bother you he would take control with no hesitation. This has helped in many ways, ranging from wanting to leave an event to indecision about a major matter.

R-Romance (how romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliche or rather creative?)

He CAN be romantic. But he has to be in a good mood. Usually...you put him in that good mood. Other days he’s not up to it at all. He won’t even want to cuddle on the bad days, even if he knows it would really help.

S-Support (are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?)

He may not help, but he’ll keep you company while you work/study. Though...often times he’s more of a distraction than not. “Y/N! Play with me!”

“Not now i’m working/studying.”

“Aw, you’re no fun! Fine! I’ll go keep myself entertained then.”

T-Thrill (do they need to try out new things to spice up their relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?)

He loooooves to try new things. New restaurants, a new game that was just released, any date ideas you bring up, he’ll try anything once.

U-Understanding (how good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?)

He isn’t very empathetic, and he doesn’t know EVERYTHING about you. But every once in a while he’ll surprise you by bringing up something you had talked about months ago. When you tell him something about yourself...he’ll remember it forever.

V-Value (how important is the relationship to them? What’s it worth in comparison to other things in their life?)

His crew comes first, no questions asked. He’ll pester you to join as well, he sees it as combining his two favorite things.

W-Wild Card (a random fluff headcanon)

He cuddles you in his sleep. Even on days he won’t want to cuddle, once he’s asleep he’s entirely wrapped around you.

X-Xoxo (are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?)

He likes to show his affection through touch, and it’s near constant. Hand holding, arm around your waist or shoulders, even just sitting as close to you as possible so your sides touch. He kisses you many...many times a day. It’s one of his favorite ways to show he cares.

Y-Yearning (how will they cope when they’re missing their partner?)

He’s an absolute wreck without you. When you’re gone he’ll text you a million times about random stuff. Sometimes it’s weird facts he learned, others are over-exaggerated stories of things he’s done with his crew.

Z-Zeal (are they willing to go to great lengths for their relationship? If so, what kind of?)

He would fight someone for you. He would risk his own life...just for a chance to get back at anyone who hurt you. Now...he wouldn’t leave his crew even if you desperately wanted him to, but he’d make you second in command if you ever wanted to join.

[girl4music]

BUFFY REWATCH - S04E22 - Restless

Tara: “I think it’s strange. I mean, I think I should worry that we haven’t found her name.”

Willow: “Who, Miss Kitty?”

*shot of their kitten, playing with a ball of red yarn in slow-motion*

Tara: “You’d think she’d let us know her name by now.”

Willow: “She will.

*looking down at Tara*

She’s not all grown yet.”

Tara: “You’re not worried?”

Willow: “I never worry here. I’m safe here.”

Tara: “You don’t know everything about me.”

Willow: “Have you told me your real name?”

Tara: “Oh, you know that.

*Willow smiles, reaches for something. Shot of a paintbrush dipping into ink jars*

They will find out, you know. About you.”

Willow: “Don’t have time to think about that. You know I have all this homework to finish.”

*the camera pulls back so we can see Tara is lying face-down on her bed, naked, and Willow is painting on her back*

Tara: “Are you gonna finish in time for class?”

Willow: “I can be late.”

Tara: “But you’ve never taken drama before.

*shot of Willow dipping the paintbrush again, moving it across to Tara’s back, which is covered with Greek symbols*

Might miss something important.”

Willow: “I don’t wanna leave here.”

*Tara twists back to look at her*

Tara: “Why not?”

*Willow stands up, looking down at Tara. She turns away toward a dark red curtain. Walks over to it*

Willow: “It’s so bright.

*pulls back the curtain to reveal a brightly sunlit desert. The light falls on Tara, who looks over. Looking back at Tara, still holding the curtain open*

And there’s something out there.”

*shot of the desert, straggly plants, rocks. We briefly see something (someone?) moving, then it’s gone. Shot of the kitten stalking forward toward the camera, in slow-motion*

I have been so anxious to get to this episode and write my meta. For all the time I’ve brought up Willow’s insecurities, this is the one and only episode that lays them all bare for everybody to see, if - and this is important -, you are clever enough to decipher the code of visual symbolism and possess the ability of interpretation. Pretty much all of the episode ‘Restless’ requires you to interpret what you see. You’re not told straight-forwardly what the dreams, each of the core 4 Scooby members have, are about and that’s precisely what I love about it and why it is probably my most favourite episode of the whole show.

Now, obviously, I’m only going to be talking about Willow’s dream in the episode because if I were to do an analysis of every character’s dream, I’d be here all day and this recap would be incredibly long. I would suggest watching YouTuber Passion Of The Nerd’s analysis for it to get the whole picture. Much of what I will write here will draw from that as I agree with quite a lot of it and think it makes a lot of sense in understanding each character. Every character has fears, worries and insecurities, and that’s what these dreams are specifically about, but Willow’s go much deeper than can be witnessed in all of the show due to her “hiding” them under a “thinly-veiled” persona of who she wants to be. For the most part, you only get to see who she wants you to see. It is not until this episode that all of Willow’s real thoughts and feelings take center-stage - quite literally. There’s a reason why both her dreams in ‘Nightmares’ and ‘Restless’ have her performing on stage. The former, being more about stage fright and about wanting to go unnoticed. The latter, about acting like something she’s not and “putting on a show” of confidence and security to the other characters, who she fears knows about “the real her”, and the audience watching her. Now, “the real her” is as ambiguous as this entire dream sequence is - meaning: it depends on your point of view who Willow is. And this is why I clash with @confusedguytoo about Willow often regarding my views and opinions on Willow. They see something different to me. However, I’ll let them better explain that if they so wish to. I’ll only explain what I see - in Willow - and in this episode.

I relate Willow’s insecurities to her accumulation of power and need for control. For me, much of what I interpret in ‘Restless’ ties in and very much foreshadows Willow’s magic addiction and ‘Dark Willow’ storyline in Season 6 because, to me, Dark Willow is less about the Magicks and more about power and rage, (Anya interjects here: “and vengeance, don’t forget vengeance”). So I will go through the meaning of Willow’s dream in ‘Restless’ from the way I interpret it and in my own words:

Starting off, we have Willow sat on Tara’s bed with Tara (well, actually Tara is laying down on it and Willow is sat on it.) Tara is turned away from Willow as Willow paints some writing on her bare back (see Passion Of The Nerd’s analysis to know what is being written because it’s very significant to the scene.) This part of Willow’s dream has more to do with Tara than Willow, but it’s important to remember that it’s all from Willow’s perspective. Willow worries that there’s something about Tara that Tara isn’t telling her. Something she’s not “facing her” with and letting her know bothers her. But other than that - she has no worries. She feels safest with Tara and, as I’ve previously mentioned in another recap, is much more invested in the relationship they share than Tara is at this point in it. And the scales don’t actually equal in that because Willow becomes uncomfortably and unhealthily invested in that she starts to abuse Tara in such a way where she wants to make sure Tara pays the most attention to her. And magic has always been the best way for Willow to have “her will be done” well before Tara entered the picture of her life. And so, she knows it’s her bread and butter to getting her way.

Moving on, we now see Willow walking the halls of Sunnydale high school and Xander and Oz are in the dream. No Tara. Meaning this part of the dream is something passed in her life but still very present in her mind. Although this is of the past, the dialogue between all 3 characters is about Willow’s then-future. There is mention of Tara and of the drama class they will take in college. I interpret this to mean that Willow can’t entirely let go of what was to focus on what is or what will be. Hence why Oz is in the scene and why he says “Oh, I’ve been here forever” when Willow asks him if he’s ever took the drama course - at which point we see Willow trying to take something out of her locker but can’t seem to get it open. I interpret this to mean she’s locked out and cannot access that part of her life anymore despite still thinking about it, and specifically Oz, in it. You see, Oz may have followed Willow to college, but he never stayed. Their relationship was only one that existed in high school and Willow has regretfully moved on from Oz and entered a new relationship that exists in college and will last beyond that. She cannot access her high school life anymore. She cannot access Oz anymore. Thus, their love affair was tied to their high school life and Willow no longer goes there.

At this point we see Willow walk out of the frame, leaving Xander and Oz behind, to stand backstage of a production in their drama class - of which Willow has never even rehearsed for and hasn’t even had her first drama class yet. And the characters of Harmony, Riley and Buffy are dressed up in costume ready to perform the play and tell Willow that she’s late but she’s “already” dressed in “costume” and “already” in “character”. Giles then enters the scene as the stage director and his dialogue in rallying his actors to get ready to perform reveals that this play is all about Willow. In fact - she’s the main character in it (go figure) and everybody in the audience, including the cast, is there to watch her perform.

“Acting is not about behaving, it’s about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive, so hide.” - Giles.

Next Willow goes behind the stage curtains (which are red to represent a vagina, apparently, according to Whedon in the commentary track for ‘Restless’) and finds Tara among them with her who tells her that things aren’t going very well. Willow says that drama class is not being done in the “proper” way, she doesn’t know what to do, and the play’s starting soon. Tara then tells her that the play’s already started and that’s not the point anyway. Willow doesn’t understand. As the play happens without Willow, Tara disappears, and what was following Willow attacks her.

Buffy saves her and we go back to Sunnydale high school. This time we’re in a classroom. It isn’t clear which class but it’s presumably English as Willow reads out a book report on ‘The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe’. Before she does that though, Buffy tells Willow that the play is long over and asks her why she’s still in “costume”. Willow responds that it’s not a costume, she’s just in her outfit of the day. Buffy tells her that everybody already knows about her and to take her “costume” off, to which Willow panics and refuses. Buffy rips her “costume” off of her to reveal her wearing the clothes she was wearing on the very first episode of the show. Now, Willow stands in front of a full classroom of her peers (both from high school, college, and the Scooby Gang) mocking her for her appearance and her reaction to being totally exposed to what she believes everybody perceives of her as the truth of who she really is. Still a shy loser. The dream sequence ends with what was following Willow and attacked her throughout; the first Slayer sucking out her soul and leaving the real Willow paralyzed in her sleeping state. Unable to escape from her personal Hell.

So what does it all mean? Well, it really all depends on the way you interpret her dream. Some things about Willow and what she thinks and feels are clear, some are not. But how I’ve interpreted her dream in ‘Restless’ is that Willow, despite appearing a much more confident, secure and assertive person, doesn’t have any belief in herself when it comes to her value and requirement of her from her peers, friends and lovers… Or everyone that’s not her. Her need for validation in who she is and what she can do from everyone. Her worthiness in her work. Her ability and capacity to love. Her appearance to whoever perceives her. Especially the ones she loves. And her insecurities run so deep in this that even she doesn’t recognize them. She’s not aware to how much she’s acting like someone she’s not in order to please, in order to have attention, in order to feel of use to people. Now, it is not that she is still the loser. She’s definetly evolved into a much more worldly and well-rounded person since her high school days. Stronger, smarter, wiser, and more confident. It’s just she doesn’t believe in it and she absolutely fears no one else does either. In her mind she’s still the lonely nerd and she’s doing the most to make sure people don’t see that. Even though she has the belief that they do and always will. So her need for power and control all stems from these deep unconscious insecurities. Magic just happens to be the most effective tool for her to accumulate this. And she only becomes addicted to it in Season 6 because she relies on it to make her special. Even though she’s special as she is - with or without magic - to which Tara does her damnedest to make her aware of and believe. And she’s about the only person in the show that achieves it - until, of course, her death… Which, of course, triggers Dark Willow.

Willow's need for power and control as Dark Willow is channelled through rage and pain and so no amount of it is enough. Willow isn’t enough without Tara. None of these fears, worries and insecurities are the truth of Willow. But getting her to believe in and trust in that is next to impossible. Tara is only capable of it because she’s the one thing in the show that Willow truly loves. Is truly committed to. Is truly invested in. And she feels like she means and is nothing without her, without her love, without her attention, without her validation, without her light. She abuses her the most because she’s the one person in all of the show that she covets the most. That she doesn’t want to be without, that she feels the safest and is the happiest with. That she won’t let leave her life. Yes, it’s unhealthy. But true love can be when there’s so much inner turmoil. When there’s such a storm inside threatening to be unleashed with every bad day. Every screw up. Every "spaz" feeling. That's what it stems from. A loser mentality.

That is Willow’s entire predicament throughout the whole show and why her character representation, development and evolution is the greatest, the most profound, the most detailed, the most poignant. This is a character that you absolutely fall in love with very early on. To see them go from that gentle-natured, quirky, inspiring and endearing person to one of the most abusive, frustrating, corruptive and destructive people is hard. Fortunately, they’re given the endgame they deserve and become the hero. They learn to balance both sides to who they are - the dark and the light - and they become exactly who they want to be. Someone of great power and control. Someone that is valued and loved. Someone that matters. Whether she believes it or not is up to you. 😉

[captainkurosolaire]

Prompt #1 ~ Aftermath

Previous - ♫Something Better♫ - Mentions: (@lordshiroelune)

Bitter cold took presence as often they attend to go from a harrowing Summer, or within this situation; a treacherous battle. Rarely often the roguish in clad-black took dawn in a mournful suit. A makeshift headstone laid at his sole's wake. He was attending a funeral burial, to his worst prominent enemy. An opponent in which they catapulted a historical rivalry it felt they were Destined Forever to contest... However, you can never truly engage a character of a person often with the whole life they live, but often it's what they do at their final notes, that's what really spells out was colorfully represented. An ashamed head was tilted, this was unholy sight. His rival, slaughtered and massacred his first crew, dissected and single-handedly malfunctioned his second with their wit alone. The Noble of once, shattered dreams, crushed his livelihood. At worst, brought instilled doubt, to someone who was so once staggering confident in his abilities, as if untouchable in brash young. Those losses racked up, the death toll's grip of reality, was clenched around the Seeker like a noose. He loosened his buttoned shirt to expose his collar to expose a gnarly rapier scar and wound. Ashamed so hid it and confiscated it was better to ignore things, such effortlessness, easy. The token failure's could unrelentingly haunt by sight alone. Although caressing it purposefully trying to recall that wound's terrible story. Forth came his nerves finally conveying a solo-speech to his departed advisor. "Shiro... Shiro... Why'd ye have t' die?" He quaked and trembled, his worst hatred and self-loathing came from his compassion always ridiculed for, it was a distinct thing he rejected, because he was foretold it would be his demise, or it couldn't measure up to giant's he began mustering against. "I am surrounded in a realm, where everyone is better put together, or they just haven't gotten there yet, they're all beyond me... You were the only one, I felt, I could be equal or had. We were both atrocious, stupid, naive men, arrogant, prideful was our downfall. We did heinous thing's simplistically, to survive, or in fret, it was required. We came from diversity. Yet somehow, we were alike." It made no-sense to his intuit, he was spilling from guts. Dropping on his knees and quivering a scabbard rapier, infamously used to pierce through him. It cultivated this entire Tale. Where would he stand, if Shiro wasn't there as his obstacle, challenge? He surmised, buried underneath instead. You see failures, losses are necessities in ensuring that feeling doesn't reoccur, one with tenacity and a rebel-soul, thrives under this conditional warfare, although, at-first, vices were the only thing he tried to drown guilt, overtime... He began stepping more bravely. Molding from cruelty becoming larger than ever prelude to his rags.

"But... You defeated me royally for the last time. I cannot compete with you. Ye won. I thought you were the most vile, yer shade of dishonor, the fact you perceived yourself so above, but yet you were losing mental-games, dealing with even worse Father's, under all that ice, stooping to all time lows, just... to protect. You had something I never imagined a Noble to have, integrity. Th' evil man, who I wanted to mindlessly kill on vengeance soil, but was held back by a common star we shared, I spared. A man who I fought in a War of Depths with, who safeguarded my Crew to ensure the victory was met, in which, I thought, was doing only for their selfish-hide... You always did it for others, pushing away, preventing many to get through, you were authentic. I get it, that was your weakness, yer secret card, if showed that vulnerability you would've perished a lot sooner. I... am glad, I was wrong." Sighing allowing himself to spill it all out, gives clarity. The pain he felt was for the unexpected. This felt like watching a part of himself die. It hurt maybe even above putting rest of his own Founding Captain. Prying out a matched lighter and reaching in his tuxedo's folds he gathered out a dusty tome containing the memoirs of horrific secrets, the Noble was cautious to reveal, he hadn't even pried to read which often a pirate's behave would, but there wasn't any need after the battle they endured and shared, all was exposed. He gave aflame to the booklet and allowed it to be destroyed, within a final request before the departed fell. "I will b' who fosters yer cares now. Yer Estate will be under me with my remaining plunders. I hate this sappy-shite, I don't want ta' think ye perished on me but I saw what happened. Th' stages of denial never really fade. Mayhaps my estranged daughter is having an impact on me, she's shown me unmatched hope, even gives it to me as much I didn't want that either. As if adamantly showing I can do...become, better. Can't believe a bastard like me, could, but I feel it... emerging like a Sun trying t' rise within." Standing up and sweeping himself up and trying to recompose and whack his cheek to sting out the watery-urge his eye was trying to admit. "...I'll see you soon. My devil friend. Death only happens when we're forgotten, I assure ye, no one will not hear of this story ov' you, my matey bard is traveling sharing words that convey. Ye aspired, saved my entire current Crew, where you were th' worst, now you're seen as the hero basked in dark-light who hoisted them, to overcome the pasts. Especially me. I have a lot t' prove even more now. T' myself, I cannot let ye go in vain either, I'll confront my fears." He trailed strapping the rapier to him a treasure beyond all the relic's acquired of before, the grave held emptied no body to prove of demise, but symbolism was valued, it meant everything to embrace a moment's of life. It's how spirit's found rest with a double-edge slay. Walking with a new chapter to uncharted perils. Resolve, reawakened.

[strawbabysimp]

Adult Trio as Yanderes HCs

Chrollo

He's so lonely traveling around for jobs, it's an unstable life and he doesn't have any real motivation for doing what he does. But you? You were so interesting. He made obtaining you a sort of game, except this was a far more exhilarating game than he'd ever played before. It was a new sort of mission that required a different way of going about things and that sparked something in him. Something he had been missing and craving this entire time unknowingly.

You quickly became friends with the new charming man in town, he asked you out a few times and it was all going well. He brought you flowers and candies, showering you in expensive gifts that you didn't have to even do anything special to receive. You said he didn't have to do these things but he made it clear he was glad to do it.

It's a very gradual progression as he gets more and more possessive. He'll want you to wear everything he's given you, especially when you go out in public. The way he turns your head to meet his gaze even when you two aren't talking, as if your attention had to be directed at him for fear that your outside surroundings would somehow taint you.

When you bring up cutting your hair differently or trying a new look he's quick to panic, telling you in a breathy voice that that was a horrible idea and you were perfect just as you are. He wants to keep you the same as you've always been since he first met you, only allowing you to change to his wishes, never your own.

"You belong to me just as you are. Nothing will change that. I won't allow it to." His gaze is gentle but his words held an unspoken threat that both of you were very aware of. You were his rock. The only constant in his life and after gaining such a thing he would destroy anything that could possibly take that away.

You come along with him for all his jobs, no point fighting someone when there was no chance of getting away. You had to admit the life was somewhat entrancing; traveling around with a man quick to give you anything you so desired, only having eyes for you, a precious gift. He's never cruel, always so tentative, the darkness only fills his aura when directed at others for you could never do wrong in his eyes. The world was what was corrupt and ever-changing. He was a clear example of that.

Hisoka

Hisoka is the king of manipulation and while some part of you respected his skill, when it's directed at you it's an entirely different story. When it happens it just seems like jokes, small things he says that plant these cruel ideas in your mind, and they just keep building up. When you bring up his comments he laughs you off, saying if you are overthinking things perhaps there is a good reason for it. That was the start of it all.

Your idea of your friends was tainted, the way they smiled at you became a reminder of the horrible things Hisoka said a smile could hide. Your own family made you doubt your worth, thinking you'd never reach their standards. When you walked with Hisoka those harsh thoughts remained in your head but the presence of the magician made you happy, the way he had said you were perfect for him and that he didn't have expectations for you. He simply wanted you and everything you were willing to give. Only he didn't tell you he would have you give everything you had to offer and make it seem as if it was all your own choice.

You went on about your insecurities, voicing the fact that the world could be such a confusing and unfair place. It made him angry. The card would slip from his fingertips, blood rushing to the surface of your skin as the sharpened edge brought about a twinge of pain. Your eyes widen but a guilt fills your stomach. Hisoka had said you were perfect so why did he hurt you? He remains quiet as he walks towards you but his calm demeanor does nothing to calm your nerves. He explains in the sweetest voice a blood-thirsty man could provide - which was the equivalent of honey in vocal form for this gifted performer - that he was not mad at you but your words. To stop putting yourself down and instead direct your hate at the world. Your mind quickly twists things, Hisoka seeming to have had a sweet reaction. He wasn't mad at you. He loved you. He just wanted you to be happy and the fact you weren't stirred something in him. He cared and the world didn't.

He shows you off to the crowds like you're some divine thing. Something to be proud of. You're happy and he gives you a tender smile whenever he finds you in the stands of the arena. He'll dedicate the following bloodshed to you and call out in your direction his words of dedication. It was violent yet loving, a perfect description of the man who you cared for.

The death didn't stop at the stage, however. You'd find him coming home with clothes stained red from a person he never tells you the name of, going on about how he loves you so much sometimes he just can't help but express it. How he makes the last words those people mutter be your name as blood spills from their lips. You grimace. This isn't what you wanted. But what can you do? He loves you.

He lets you go out on your own, knowing you'll always come back. If you don't? That's not even a possibility at this point. Everything you are is his. You placed the very value of your existence in this beautiful man and he eats it up greedily. Without you, he'd starve. You didn't want to be cruel after he helped you accept the world as it is and yourself. The killing never stops but you do learn to accept it. Eventually, a smile finds its way onto your face as he drags a bloody finger across your cheek, leaving a red streak he kisses gently before dragging you to the shower to wash up with him. If the world is already cruel then isn't he just a byproduct? An adapter? Simply someone who has learned to love in a place where even love can't remain untarnished?

Illumi

You're getting kidnapped right off the bat. This man takes you the second he finds any sort of special interest in you as a person. He has this urge to protect you, the same as his own blood, that's not something he can just ignore. He won't be like his father. He won't allow you to rebel against his wishes or run off with another. He'll keep you to himself until you yearn for nothing more. Your cries fall on deaf ears as he looks on at you emotionlessly. This is for the best.

You'll be walking one day, there won't be many people around or none at all, and then he'll just appear. You hadn't met him before, he had wanted to study you to see if the two of you were compatible before he actually moved forward with his plans. One moment he's standing before you and the next you're out cold, a needle placed perfectly in your neck causing you to fall limp in his hold. He cradles you gently against him as he quickly makes his way to a secure home for the two of you. He wouldn't allow his family to have a taste of you. He didn't need their help. They always failed it seemed and he wouldn't have you suffer the same fate.

You wake up in a home straight out of your wildest dreams. You think you're still asleep as you first take in your surroundings. It's simply perfect. Your dream room. Your feet find the floor and as you put yourself upright a voice calls out to you asking if this setup pleases you or if you'd like something different. You're stunned and the ground beneath your feet suddenly feels all too real. The long-haired man comes to face you, his speed inhuman as he soon stands before you. You're scared and you're confused but the night before comes back to you and the explanation is clear. This man had taken you and it doesn't seem as if it had been the first time he laid eyes on you.

As time goes by he stays at your side, quietly observing you as you go about your day in the confines of the home. You'll walk to one room only to turn around and find him relaxed in a different spot only a few feet away. You were never out of his sight. You began to become curious about his intentions, why he was acting so nice - albeit a bit creepy - after taking you away like this. "My parents attempted to make the perfect family through what most would deem as cruelty. It didn't work out in their favor. I thought I had turned out quite nicely but they did not think the same. The closest thing to perfection for them is my brother but even he is not right yet. They treated him far... kinder than me you could say. Perhaps if I treat you even better you will be good for me."

With no way to escape, having witnessed this man's own abilities the first day of your "stay," you adapted to the situation. Becoming docile yet not overly submissive. You were still you and it seemed he was content with your occasional minor defiance and own personal wants or needs. It seemed he only wanted your presence and something about that was far easier to accept. He doesn't force you to do anything but rather encourages your interests and even becomes curious about them himself. While he wasn't much one to talk in the beginning he became more comfortable in your presence. You both had to adjust to the other despite him being the one in control of the situation.

Being with him is a reassuring thing, the little gleam in his eyes as you show him something new or express your gratitude over something he does/brings you has your heart beating loudly in your chest. You had begun to care for him. You missed the world and the new adventures and life you used to live but there was no fighting to be done. You knew what the result would be. In the back of your mind you knew this was wrong and an inhumane thing to do to another person but he seemed so tender with you. You watched him grow into himself and what's wrong with making the best out of a bad situation?

[luna-rainbow]

What would change in Civil War if Wanda chose to take her stand and leave the Avengers Compound as soon as Vision revealed that she was being interned because "Mr. Stark would like to avoid the possibility of another public incident"? Would she travel straight to Germany to chew Tony's head off and call him out for dehumanizing her or would she go into hiding at Clint's farm or something like that?

Oh dear, I'm not sure if I'm forgetting parts of CACW? Didn't Vision say this right before Clint helped break Wanda out? Or was there some time between the two events? For some reason I thought after Wanda heard this, she broke out with Clint and went immediately to Germany?

You know what would be really fascinating is if Wanda went with Steve to meet Bucky at Romania. For the purpose of this, let's say Vision somehow realised Tony wasn't right, and he let Wanda sneak out to join up with Steve. Wanda has the ability to do mass coercion (something she used to help evacuate the Sokovians). She can probably help Steve and Bucky slip out without the SWAT team noticing.

Wanda doesn't strike me as someone who initiates deep existential conversations, but a talk between T'Challa and Wanda would have been fascinating. For one thing, it's hard to say what exactly Wakanda's position is on Lagos apart from the surface condemnation. It felt like the explosion was used as a leverage to push through the Accords (presumably to reduce American intervention in Africa), so I think T'Challa's feelings towards Wanda is probably more on the side of pity than disgust. On a more emotional side, Wanda would understand exactly where T'Challa's anger is coming from, and she's best positioned to tell him that misplaced vengeance doesn't justify wrongdoing. That said, I think T'Challa's feelings are very raw and he probably won't take it into consideration at that time.

I'm really fascinated as to whether Wanda can break Bucky out of the code words mind control. If Wanda was there at the compound, even if she doesn't snap Bucky out of it, she can probably knock him out much more easily than the other Avengers. That means the rest of the Avengers would have time to go after Zemo and potentially prevented the rest of the movie from happening LOL.

In terms of the conflict between Wanda and Tony, I feel like it's hard for Wanda to really assert herself in front of Tony for a few reasons. She was still at a stage where she was timid around most of the Avengers, and I think this comes partially from her having hurt most of them in the past, as well as in part from her unreliable control over her incredible powers. The other thing that doesn't get mentioned is her immigrant background; everything is foreign to her, including the language, the culture, the social norms, even the food and drink she is used to. I'm sure she's very grateful to what they've provided, but because she's comparatively younger and her personality is quite shy, she probably feels uncomfortable speaking up. This is particularly true in front of Tony, who's very boisterous (I feel like Tony unsettles a lot of introverts). If Tony can call her weapon of mass destruction behind her back, that means he's never really considered her value as a human, and someone as sensitive as Wanda is very likely to have sensed that already. I don't think she wants to get into an argument with him because he has the advantage of being comfortable in his own language (English) as well as being naturally loud-mouthed and well-spoken. I also think Wanda is by nature quite confrontation-avoidant until she's pushed into a corner, and then (because of the nature of her magic) tends to retaliate very forcefully.

[tabloidtoc]

Us, May 3

You can buy a brand new copy of this issue without the mailing label for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Pregnant Meghan Markle: My Baby, My Way

Page 2: Red Carpet -- rufflemania -- Hollywood style stars are tier-ing it up in this flattering design with feminine flair -- Tracee Ellis Ross, Kaitlyn Dever, Margot Robbie, Logan Browning, Nicola Coughlan

Page 3: Lizzo, Maude Apatow, Lucy Boynton, Jessica Alba, Lily Collins

Page 4: Who Wore It Best? Anya Taylor-Joy vs. Isla Fisher vs. Regina King in Stuart Weitzman Nudist sandal

Page 6: Loose Talk -- Shonda Rhimes on the intense backlash she received over Rege-Jean Page's exit from Bridgerton, Kelly Ripa on her most embarrassing interview, Luke Bryan on his mother LeClaire's Instagram fame, Blake Shelton on The Voice's new coach Ariana Grande, Reese Witherspoon joking about wearing bottoms that aren't sweatpants

Page 8: Contents

Page 10: A Final Farewell to Prince Philip, his four children Prince Charles and Princess Anne and Prince Andrew and Prince Edward were among the loved ones who participated in the emotional ceremony, feuding brothers Prince Harry and Prince William (and his wife Duchess Kate) put their differences aside after the intimate service, due to Covid-19 protocols the grieving Queen Elizabeth stayed socially distant from the other 29 people who attended the funeral for her husband of 73 years

Page 11: ACM Awards 2021 -- Maren Morris teamed up with her husband Ryan Hurd and won Female Artist of the Year, Thomas Rhett won Male Artist of the Year, Carrie Underwood took the stage

Page 12: Hot Pics -- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley wore an orange coat during a visit to NYC, John Stamos plays a coach on the TV show Big Shot, Zach Braff goofed around on the set of Cheaper by the Dozen in L.A.

Page 13: Eva Longoria on her trampoline while aboard a yacht in Miami, Howie Mandel arrived to the set of America's Got Talent dressed as a bug in Pasadena

Page 14: Jon Hamm and his rescue dog Splash strolled around the neighborhood in L.A., Heidi Klum in all white in Pasadena, Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry take a stroll in L.A.

Page 15: Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes held hands after dinner at Il Segreto in L.A., Patrick Dempsey shot a scene for his show Devils in Rome

Page 16: Rachel Brosnahan in a blue dress and carrying a clear umbrella on the set of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel in NYC, Lin-Manuel Miranda at the opening of a vaccination center for Broadway workers in Times Square, Trisha Yearwood feeds one of her rescue pups

Page 18: Gen Z Has Spoken -- these celebs are making the young kids proud -- Baggy Jeans -- Hailey Bieber, Tracee Ellis Ross, Bella Hadid

Page 19: Middle Parts -- Busy Philipps, Lizzo, Jennifer Lopez, Kourtney Kardashian, baguette bags -- Dua Lipa, Elsa Hosk, Irina Shayk, Kendall Jenner

Page 20: Seeing Double -- stars bear a striking resemblance to their famous counterparts -- Elizabeth Banks and Chelsea Handler, Emmanuelle Chriqui and Nina Dobrev, Betty Gilpin and Jodie Comer

Page 21: Rob Lowe and Ian Somerhalder, Jaime Pressly and Margot Robbie, Isla Fisher and Amy Adams, Rupert Grint and Ed Sheeran, Kyle Richards and Kacey Musgraves

Page 22: Clueless Crew -- stars are totally buggin' over Cher Horowitz's style in yellow plaid -- Robin Roberts on Good Morning America, Katie Holmes was rollin' with her homie beau Emilio Vitolo Jr. in NYC, Vanessa Hudgens, Dianna Agron

Page 23: Gabrielle Union

Page 24: Stars They're Not Like Us -- Jay Leno took one of his vintage automobiles out for a spin in L.A., Chrissy Teigen and John Legend took a selfie with a fan while grocery shopping in Beverly Hills, Kylie Jenner has custom vending machines

Page 25: Carrie Underwood in her massive walk-in closet, Denzel Washington signs autographs for fans in NYC, Megan Thee Stallion on a private plane, Drake and his bodyguard in Beverly Hills

Page 26: Stars They're Just Like Us -- Sarah Jessica Parker catches a yellow cab after working at her shoe store in NYC, Brad Paisley picked up five pizzas to go in Montecito

Page 27: Kelly Osbourne handed out goods at a drive-thru food distribution event at the Islamic Center of Southern California, HGTV's Egypt Sherrod transformed her closet into a meditation space in Atlanta, in between filming Law & Order: SVU's Mariska Hargitay and Ice-T take a selfie

Page 28: Hollywood Dads -- Scott Porter on parenting his two kids McCoy and Clover

Page 29: Jonathan Tucker on life with twins Hayes and India, parenthood is a lot tougher than Jovi Dufren imagined, Maksim Chmerkovskiy can't wait to show son Shai his work

Page 30: Love Lives -- Rihanna and A$AP Rocky are showing no signs of slowing down -- the pair enjoyed a night out in L.A. hotspot Delilah where they were holding hands and laughing and they're not hiding the fact that they're dating but they just don't want people in their business -- they're a good match and are each other's best friend

Page 31: Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber may look like the picture-perfect couple, but Justin admits that their first year of marriage wasn't what he expected, saying it was really tough and there was just a lack of trust and he blamed the strain on his own personal struggles and said before he didn't have someone to love or someone to pour into but now, more than two years after exchanging vows with Hailey, he has that

* Kacey Musgraves' romance with Dr. Gerald Onuoha is giving her butterflies -- the pair are so happy they found each other and while Kacey, who split from her husband Ruston Kelly last summer, is trying not to get too ahead of herself, her connection to the Nashville-based doc is off the charts and it's got the potential to go a very long way

* Today's Savannah Guthrie is thankful to have husband Michael Feldman in her life, especially given the demands of her early morning work schedule

Page 32: Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker are getting serious -- all the details on their whirlwind romance

Page 33: Adapting to parenthood has been a breeze for Emma Stone and she's soaking in all the precious moments of being a mom for the first time -- she and husband Dave McCary welcomed their baby daughter in March and Emma is super protective and a very hands-on mom and Dave is also hands-on and helps with their daughter -- thanks to the little one, Emma's marriage with the comedian has also gotten stronger and having a baby has brought them closer in a way they never expected -- Emma is looking forward to getting back to work; she's taken this time off to embrace motherhood and her number one priority is to raise a healthy baby so that's what she's focused on right now

* Britney Spears is setting the record straight -- despite her ongoing conservatorship battle with her dad, Jamie Spears, she is doing totally fine, assuring fans that she's extremely happy and she has a beautiful home, beautiful children and she's taking a break right now because she's enjoying herself -- although the legal drama with her father is heating up, Britney is staying strong and she has this wonderful ability to see the positive even when the odds are against her

* Keeping Up With Us -- production for the Downton Abbey sequel is underway, Mossimo Giannulli is a free man, Chrissy Teigen returned to Twitter 23 days after announcing that she was leaving the platform, Vanessa Bryant remembered her late husband Kobe Bryant on what would have been their 20th wedding anniversary, Helen McCrory lost her battle with cancer at age 52 according to her husband Damian Lewis

Page 34: A Day in My Life -- Whitney Port

Page 35: Colton Underwood is ready to live his truth -- during an interview on Good Morning America, the former Bachelor came out as gay, saying he's run from himself for a long time and he came to terms with his sexuality earlier this year and he's the happiest and healthiest he's ever been -- now that he feels like he can finally breathe, Colton is excited for his next chapter, which fans will get to see on an upcoming reality show with Olympian Gus Kenworthy -- a huge weight has been lifted off of Colton's shoulders and he is looking forward to being his authentic self

Page 36: Moms Tell All -- Happy Mother's Day! From milestones and manners to rules and nanny-bans, celebs and insiders talk about raising kids in Hollywood

Page 37: Bindi Irwin says life at home with her daughter Grace Warrior has been positively blissful and her family with dad Chandler Powell is so full of love, adding that the newborn has already met some of the wildlife at the Australia Zoo where Bindi and Chandler live and work and of course she's seen some crocs and really lit up when she saw them -- while the Aussie conservationist is sad Grace won't get to meet her late dad Steve Irwin, Bindi's brother Robert Irwin and mom Terri Irwin have been by her side constantly and Robert is obsessed with Grace and has been helping out so much and her mom has been the biggest guiding light and she's already taught Bindi so much about being a mother, both in how she raised her and by showing her things day by day and Terri is quite the baby whisperer and she's so great a calming Grace down when she's crying -- first-time father Chandler is also a natural with Grace and he's been the most supportive and involved dad and together, he and Bindi make such a great team -- for now, Bindi, who stars with Chandler in Crikey! It's a Baby!, is hoping Grace will follow in her animal-activist footsteps, saying having three generations of strong women working as conservationists is a dream come true

* Jennifer Garner said teaching your kids is a lifelong job, and certainly values are something you have to show them -- Jennifer, who shares kids Violet, Seraphina and Samuel with ex Ben Affleck, is staying true to her word and has led by example when it comes to things like kindness and patience and she won't let anyone in the house to judge or speak ill of people, and she enforces the same wholesome, traditional values that she was raised with and the kids have been taught to be loving, hardworking and fair -- Jennifer has always taken a kids-come-first approach to parenting, and it shows as they bake together, enjoy movie nights, read books and have very active lives and it's a very healthy, happy household filled with laughter and love

Page 38: Gwen Stefani has her hands full with her sons Kingston, Zuma and Apollo with ex-husband Gavin Rossdale, but she wouldn't want it any other way -- Gwen's a tomboy, so having three boys wasn't daunting for her at all, plus she has fiance Blake Shelton by her side to pitch in with parenting duties and Gwen and the boys have a blast at Blake's ranch in Oklahoma where they enjoy riding their ATVs, and they play baseball and football -- it's not all fun and games, though because Gwen is big on boundaries and manners and she doesn't want to raise Hollywood brats and it's important to her that her sons be gentlemen

* Meghan Markle's pregnancy with Archie was no walk in the park, as she revealed during her bombshell TV interview with husband Prince Harry, the couple had concerns over whether or not the royal family would provide security for their son and claimed there were conversations about his skin color -- but this time around, as Meghan and Harry gear up for baby No. 2 at home in L.A., she's doing everything her way, without the royals and Meghan and Harry feel blessed that they're able to raise their daughter in the U.S. and can live by their own rules and make the decisions they feel are best for their children; having independence is the most important thing for Meghan and she's got free rein to be exactly the kind of mom she wants to be -- her parenting style is really like most mothers out there, and she's been craving pasta and doing yoga two times a day as her due date nears and she keeps a lot of art supplies out to foster creativity and healthy snacks around and she's a devoted mom and wants the best for her kids

Page 39: Kate Hudson has a lot on her plate, so the mom of three, who shares son Ryder with former husband Chris Robinson and son Bingham with ex Matt Bellamy and daughter Rani with boyfriend Danny Fujikawa, knows when to put her foot down as things can get a little overwhelming at times for Kate, but when she says no, it absolutely means no, and the kids respect her very much because of that

* Gigi Hadid, who shares daughter Khai with boyfriend Zayn Malik, wants to spend every waking moment with her precious little girl -- Gigi could easily afford to employ a team of nannies but chooses not to and she prefers to do everything herself and besides, she can't bear to be away from Khai for more than a few hours

* Candace Cameron Bure's three grown kids are flying the coop, but she's still super involved in their lives, despite slowly becoming an empty nester -- the mom of Natasha, Lev, and Maksim with former hockey player Valeri Bure says it's been a very transitional time and she's been trying to help them make decisions they feel good about and it's challenging, but they're figuring it out

Page 40: Oh, Baby! Meghan Markle's due date is just around the corner, and here are all the details

* Bump Brigade -- Halsey, Gal Gadot, Shawn Johnson East

Page 42: 10 Years of the Cambridges -- a look back at Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton's solid marriage for their anniversary

Page 44: Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez: What Really Happened -- cheating and lies? The truth behind J.Lo's split from fiance A-Rod

Page 45: Friendliest Exes -- these former couples managed to stay close after going their separate ways -- Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr, Demi Moore and Bruce Willis, Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz

Page 48: Gifts for Mother's Day

Page 54: Entertainment -- Ben Barnes on Shadow and Bone

Page 58: Fashion Police -- the most daring Oscars looks -- Bjork, Whoopi Goldberg, Charlize Theron

Page 59: Rachel Weisz, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lady Gaga

Page 60: 25 Things You Don't Know About Me -- Julia Michaels

[lucytara]

Bumbleby. Blue. “And now that you’re here realized I need you for survival. I know from the awe in your eyes”

On the day of the reaping, Blake never expects her own name.

She’s never taken tesserae; her name’s in there six times because of her age, and that’s it. It’s her second-to-last eligible year, and she’s six among thousands. She has no reason to expect her own name when some girls in her class have their names in thirty, forty, fifty times - she brushes the nagging anxiety away for days leading up, finding comfort in the words of her family, in Adam, who’s on his last year and isn’t quite as lucky.

“Twenty-one times,” he says, but he’s still scowling. “Could be worse. But it’s still a flawed system. The poorer you are, the less value your life has. Here in Twelve? The Capitol doesn’t even think of us as people.”

Blake’s heard this speech a thousand times, but she hasn’t shared the hardest of his experiences and so she doesn’t stop him. “But what do you want to do, Adam?” she asks. “We can’t do anything. We can barely survive.”

She doesn’t miss the brief, scornful look in his eyes before he masks it with fire. She’s survived easier than he has, with her father as the Mayor, but it hasn’t been easy for any of them. “You’re right,” he says, though his tone’s taken on an odd, darkly thoughtful quality. “We can’t. But victors…” he trails off, shredding a loose leaf in his hand, strip by strip. “If I were a victor, I might.”

–

“Blake Belladonna!”

She rewatches the scene from third-person, as if it’s a dream she’s having, only it’s happening a split second after inside of her own skull. The perfectly manicured hand of their escort dipping a hand into the jar and pulling the crisp, white slip of paper with Blake’s name on it caught between her fingers. Her hazy, disoriented walk to the steps, the hem of her dress batting against her ankles. She’s not there. She’s in the Capitol, watching herself called to the death and starting, already, to murmur about her odds.

But Adam. She sees Adam perfectly.

Sees him step forward to volunteer for a boy whose name Blake doesn’t even know. Sees the crowd shifting uncomfortably, uncertain what to make of the move. Sees some of them clutching their hearts, some of them shaking their heads. And she sees Adam, unable to hide the victorious smirk in the corner of his mouth.

–

“I’m so sorry, Blake,” her father says, his hand on her shoulder as her mother embraces her, weeping. “I never wanted this for you. For any of us.”

If so many people don’t want this, Blake thinks numbly, why do we still have it?

–

Their mentor’s a woman named Sienna Kahn, now in her early thirties after having won her Games at fifteen. She’s tough, hard around the edges, as Blake imagines anyone would be who’s watched countless children die under their watch. Blake doesn’t understand, but she understands - Sienna doesn’t want to get attached.

She and Adam barely speak - her silence falls to the fact that she’s on her way to her own murder. But Adam’s?

Well, she’s seen this quiet intensity from him before. And he’s making plans.

–

There’s more to work with than Sienna thinks there is: for one, she and Adam both know their way around a sword, and she’s no stranger hitting a target with a knife. Teenage boredom, she says when Sienna asks, and despite the doubt, she doesn’t push it further.

I wanted to help people, is the real answer. When I saw how Adam had been treated, I wanted to help. And then I saw how many people were like him, I wanted to do more than that.

“Your father’s a good man,” Sienna says instead, arms crossed over her body. She’s holding a far-off look in her eye, and instantly Blake knows she’s being told information specifically because Sienna thinks she won’t be alive to repeat it later. “He fought for people the only way he could, and I’m sure he almost died for it. I thought he wasn’t doing enough, back then. But I get it now.” She fixates her gaze on Blake again, solidly in the present, still on the same train car to a mass grave. “What do you have to fight for, Blake?”

Adam’s listening for her answer, and she says the only thing she’s thought since her name was called the day before. “Honestly? I don’t know why we’re fighting at all.”

A smile works its way to the edge of Sienna’s mouth, but it isn’t happy. It’s full of regret. “Yeah,” she says. “I used to think like that, too.”

–

They watch the other reapings. There’s a pair of volunteers from One who seem like they come as a set, with equally stupid names: Emerald and Mercury. Then she only really remembers the girl from two, who looks fourteen and innocent, but Blake knows better. The red-headed girl from three, who stands tall. A girl from five, missing an eye. A large boy from eight.

But the one reaping that sticks in her mind from the minute she sees it is the reaping from Four.

A girl’s name is called, and there’s a brief bout of hysteria from the crowd while a girl with long, blonde hair tugs her back and volunteers in her place. The younger girl just screams, but the older girl - Yang - just stands on the stage, slowly putting herself back together. It’s like Blake can see it happening - see her locking her heart away. Putting all that love she has for her sister somewhere it can’t be used against her.

“Pathetic,” Adam murmurs, because he hates weakness. He’s proud to see himself volunteer, steady and confident. “To protect you, of course,” he clarifies, and nothing’s ever been further from the truth.

Strangely, all Blake can comprehend is that she’s looking forward to tomorrow - getting to see Yang in person.

–

Their outfits are stunning, as is their debut. They have a compelling story: the mayor’s daughter from Twelve and the boy determined to keep her alive. It’s a television show, Sienna says. It’s about the narrative.

Blake finds that flash of blonde hair in the crowd. She thinks she sees seashells winding their way down a braid, and a net is woven to create some sort of dress. Yang clearly hates it, but she says something to the boy from her district, and he laughs.

Laughter isn’t a simple thing to come by in the Hunger Games. She decides, for no reason at all, that she likes Yang.

–

After the parade of horses, their team is riding on a high; she’s kept herself grounded, though, unwilling to entertain any ideas of survival. She’s walking to the elevator when she swears she catches Yang staring at her, but she blinks and she’s only met with Yang’s profile, her chin dropped and her eyes averted down.

–

Yang is a mystery in the training room. She spends most of her time at the wildlife stations, learning to tie knots, painting patterns, identifying poisonous plants. She never spars, or uses any of the weapons, really, but she lifts weights, punches a bag around a bit. Blake can tell everyone’s set on edge by her presence, not able to tell the extent of her power, skill, ability. It’s uncommon to hide that sort of thing during training, but her muscles tell their own story. There’s more to her than she’s allowing them to see.

That doesn’t stop Blake from watching her, though. From cataloguing where she spends her time and how it allows her to feel. She’s not as guarded as the rest of them - she seems to like making traps, because she gains this look of concentration as she follows along with the instructor, knotting rope around her fingers. She spends a little bit of time with the boy from her district, and almost against his will, he appears slightly enamored with her. In fact, a lot of them do, though they try to hide it. Blake isn’t the only one who watches her.

She’s so absorbed with the state of affairs that she doesn’t notice who isn’t, but she does notice there’s an energy between her and Adam that wasn’t palpable before, and now it seems to be coating the room.

“Thinking about allies, Blake?” he says over dinner, light enough to pass as a joke but sinister enough to be a threat.

“No,” Blake says, because she’s only thinking about the quickest way to die.

She hopes she can at least see Yang, wherever she is when it happens.

–

Her knife sinks directly into the red dot, signaling a bulleye on their human-shaped target. She’s not paying attention to the show she’s putting on; all she’s really doing is daydreaming while she idly throws knives. It helps her think. Gives her clarity.

They’re easy to flick. Most people don’t understand the wrist movement, the finesse - they tie it to strength, rather than purpose. That’s why Blake’s so good at it; she’s about precision, not power. That’d always been Adam.

Someone is watching her. Actually, as she comes back into herself, many people are watching her, but only one she cares about: Yang, back at the trap station, staring unfettered.

Blake abruptly puts her knives down. The worst part of the Hunger Games, she’s starting to understand, aren’t the games themselves. That’s going to awaken survival instincts, desperation for life - primal, unhindered urges. No, no, the worst part of the Games is now, these few days before, when they’re taken care of so exquisitely, when shiny, beautiful things are dangled in front of them and cruelly ripped away.

“Why?” she can’t resist asking, kneeling beside Yang. “Why did you do it?”

Yang’s eyes haven’t left her, but her fingers stall around the rope, as if surprised by the question. She examines Blake with a strange intensity, but an openness Blake still isn’t used to from any other tribute. Everyone’s either closed off or showing off, genuinity nowhere to be found. Except perhaps the redhead from Three. Pyrrha. She’s been spending some time teaching a much smaller, younger boy how to throw a spear. He doesn’t stand a chance, but Pyrrha must know that.

“Don’t you have someone?” Yang says, drops her gaze back to the knot. “Someone you’d die for?”

Her parents. Her friends. Adam. “No,” Blake admits honestly. “Nobody.” There are no cameras yet. No one to hurt with the admission. Adam had called her selfish, once; maybe he’d been right.

But Yang laughs, once and under her breath. “Maybe you’re better off that way,” Yang says, not unkindly. Her smile’s sad and quiet; whatever memories rise, they’re memories for her to cherish one last time. That’s how all memories feel these days. “My sister is my life.”

“She’s lucky to have you,” Blake says, captivated by every word out of Yang’s mouth; how real she sounds. There’s no show; she’s not aiming to impress, or grasping at pity. She’s here because of a choice she made, and she’ll live and die with that. Blake wonders what that’s like: to have a choice. “Not many people would do what you did.”

“Well, what about you, Belladonna?” Yang questions, sitting up a little straighter, expression a sliding door that suddenly gives way to teasing. There’s a tone underneath, though - heavy - like a lingering doubt. “The guy who volunteered for you. To protect you, right?”

She’s close - she’s kept her volume low. She’s not stupid. She’s playing this conversation with an angle, but it isn’t for her own benefit.

Blake turns her head, locks onto Adam’s hand clenched around the grip of his sword, lunging strikes at a dummy. She feels the familiar uncurling of fear in her stomach, a dark and massive shape lingering just below. Ominous and foreboding.

“Yeah,” Blake says, and looks away. “He did.”

Picking up on her discomfort isn’t hard, and it isn’t something she’s actively tried to mask; Yang pauses strangely, gaze flickering between them. She infers, “It’s not a good thing, is it.” And trains her focus on Blake again. “It’s not good that he’s here.”

“I don’t know,” Blake admits. “He - I don’t know. Maybe I’m being paranoid.”

“Maybe you aren’t.”

“He wants me to believe it is,” she says finally. “He told me all he wants is to see me safe.”

“And you think he’s lying?” Yang asks, like a story she’s invested in, though Blake isn’t quite sure why.

“I think,” Blake starts, and at last puts into words what exactly has haunted her since the reaping days earlier, “that Adam wants to win, and he thinks he can use me to do that. Use my loyalty to him.”

The knot effortlessly tightens and unravels between Yang’s fingers. It seems to be an unconscious habit, and one she’s better at than her hours at the station might’ve led them to believe. “Hm,” she says, poking her tongue against the inside of her cheek. “You’re good with those knives, that’s for sure. It makes sense that he’d rather have you as an ally than an enemy - help him take out all the threats, and take you out himself.”

“Perceptive,” Blake says, impressed despite her dawning horror; she’d been so good at pushing it down, at talking herself out of circles, at trusting him despite the signs. In one conversation, Yang’s forced her to undo all that. She echoes Yang’s earlier words to her. Maybe it’s for the best.

“I’m not sure I’d go that far,” Yang says, and subtly jerks her head in his direction. “With how purposefully he’s showing off his swordplay, I’m amazed he even remembers you exist.” She rolls her eyes. “Men.”

And Blake laughs. Like Yang’s district partner at the parade. It’s accidental, and nearly shocking in its sincerity, but she laughs anyway. She doesn’t have a choice. “Men,” she agrees, and Yang laughs too.

That’s the first time Blake thinks about living.

–

The first time Yang thinks about dying - dying willingly - is their final day in the training center.

Blake Belladonna, beautiful and clever and entirely obvious to everyone but herself, locates her at the camouflage station, attempting to blend her hand into a sandy coastline. She stares quizzically down at the pattern, eyebrows knitting together, and Yang makes the connection with a laugh. “You’ve never seen the ocean.”

“No.” Blake shakes her head. “What’s it like?”

“Well, I’m no artist,” Yang says, wiggling her fingers, “but kinda like this. Blue, green, boundless - sometimes I think about just diving in the water and swimming as far as I can. Swimming away.” She adds, “Salty.”

And then Blake reaches for a paintbrush, deliberately dragging her fingers along the back of Yang’s hand, leaving streaks of blue paint. She pauses; Yang keeps breathing, but it’s a struggle. She says, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Yang says.

“Don’t die.” She takes the brush, and swirls it into the yellow paint. “Don’t give up.”

“Why do you care what happens to me?” Yang asks, almost unnerved at the sentiment, fighting against the way it makes her want to cry. Her skin feels raw where Blake had touched her, and the marks remain.

“Because,” Blake says softly, “I think you deserve better than this.”

“I think we all do,” Yang counters, flaring up - it’s not just me, she wants to say. You deserve better. You. There are so few beautiful things left. You.

“But the rest of us aren’t here because there’s someone we care enough about to protect.” Blake lets it hang between them. “You’re a good person, Yang. Anyone can tell that much.”

Yang’d never understood the Capitol and its fascination with tattoos as a statement. Now she stares at the blue streaks across the back of her hand, and wonders about wearing it forever.

She’d die, she thinks. She’d die for Blake, too.

–

She spars for the first and last time after that, and one of her blows sends the trainer flying off the practice area and into the concrete, knocking him unconscious.

But she sweats the paint off, and finds without it, it’s a little easier to breathe.

–

Their scores aren’t surprising. Adam pulls a nine. Blake gets a ten - Adam pretends to be happy for her, but she sees that facade cracking instantly.

Yang gets an eleven.

“Her?” Adam spits out, clearly infuriated. He’s already seeing red.

“She’s a genius,” Sienna says at the revelation, shocking Adam into silence. “You’re good with a weapon, Adam, and anyone will give you that. But unarmed? You’re nothing.” She jerks her head towards the blonde girl on-screen. “You can’t disarm her. She’ll kill you with her bare hands.”

“Her?” Adam snarls. “If she gets within my line of sight, she’s–”

“You think she doesn’t know how to dodge a sword?” she asks, and Adam bristles once again with no response. “Do you truly believe a girl whose primary skill is hand-to-hand combat doesn’t know how to evade an attack? You’re a fool if you cast her aside as a threat, Adam. She’s the most dangerous one here.”

Blake stares blankly at her picture, wondering if it’s intelligence, if it’s determination, passion, will. Wonders if Yang’s trained for this, if she’s excited, if she’s terrified. Wonders if it’s all just luck, a mixed bag of rot and gold.

But Blake recalls the tapes of the reapings, across every district, and she remembers none of them as clearly as she remembers Yang’s - not even her own. Yang’s; a reaping that wasn’t supposed to be hers at all.

Ruby! Ruby! No!

Armed guards in white holding her back, or trying to, but being no match for her strength.

I volunteer! She hears Yang’s scream in her mind, even now, days later, sees her pushing her way to the platform. I volunteer as tribute!

Or, Blake thinks, maybe it’s just what she’s always done to survive.

–

Blake’s tactic, they’d decided, is mysterious and alluring: she’s to answer her interview in short, vague answers, and smile as though she’s hiding something. It’s not hard. She’s hiding so much from herself already that it barely even feels like a tactic.

Yang goes for sexy and powerful, and she doesn’t even have to try. People in the audience are literally fanning themselves as she’s interviewed. She looks stunning in her dress, her heels, red-lipped and eyes that seem to match underneath the stage lights.

“I just want my sister to know I love her,” she says at the end, a calculated vulnerability that makes every citizen watching want her even more, moaning about how strong and brave she is, protecting her younger sister like that.

“She makes me sick,” Adam says, face warped with hatred, and suddenly, it isn’t her own safety she’s worried for.

–

It’s a diversion. Confuse Adam, make him scramble for a new plan, make him rethink his strategy. Because Yang had been right, and Blake’s instincts had been, too: he wants to win. And when you want to win, everyone else is a target.

So during her interview, she confesses, “I know I can win. But I’ve met someone here who I’d really like to keep alive, even more than that.”

The interviewer goes insane. “Another tribute?” he says. “You’ve met someone here?”

Blake shrugs, pretending to be coy. “That’s all I’ll say on the matter.”

He groans, begs her for details, and she says next to nothing, but the audience eats it up - she sees the camera focus on her as the show closes, hoping to catch her eyes flickering to another tribute. She stares straight ahead, speaking to no one until they’re backstage.

“Adam, not now,” Sienna says immediately, pointing him to the elevator. “Go upstairs. We’ll meet you there.” He grits his teeth, but does as he’s told. Sienna turns on her. “What the hell was that?”

“I’m not an idiot,” Blake says lowly, “and neither are you. We both know what Adam’s plan is. Or was.”

It’s a statement that forces Sienna into a corner, and she relents after a few seconds of the two of them staring each other down. “You’ll be his first target now, not his last,” she says. “You know that, right?”

“It doesn’t matter the order,” Blake says, brushing by her to the elevator. “I’ve been number one on his list for a long, long time. But I’m not playing the Games on his terms anymore.”

“Well, you’ve given them a hell of a narrative,” Sienna says, following her, reluctantly impressed. “The whole Capitol’s dying to know who your lucky love interest could be, since it’s not him.”

Yang shoves her arm through the elevator door just as it’s about to close. “Mind if I catch a ride?” she asks, stepping inside, her heels held in her hand.

So, maybe Blake should’ve thought through her plan, because at the moment, Yang’s a foot away from her and absolutely the most beautiful girl Blake’s ever seen in her life, and her story for the cameras turns out to be more true than she’d meant it to be.

“Oh, it’s you,” Sienna says, throwing up her hands. Apparently Blake’s staring is noticeable. “Of course it is. Blake, you’re on your own.”

“No, she’s not,” Yang murmurs, and brushes her fingers against Blake’s, hanging between them. “She’s got me.”

–

There’s a vibrancy to her when she disembarks, an urgency to her mouth. Find me, she says, leaning close, grasping Blake’s hand. Find me in the arena. Or I’ll find you. Okay?

“Why?” Blake asks again, unable to comprehend anything Yang does or says, unable to reconcile the motivation behind it.

“Because I want you alive,” she says, and lets go. “I want you to live.”

You’re insane, Blake wants to say. None of us will live except one. And out of all of us, it should be you.

But the next morning, standing on the platform, she finds Yang three spaces down from her, and their eyes meet as if by gravitational pull.

Find me, Yang mouths, and the cannons blast.

[vanikolya]

hi! if you guys still doing it, can i request the whole fluff alphabet for akutagawa? thank you!

A - activities: what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time with them?

he really generally just enjoys any time he spends with his s/o, from just sitting comfortably with them and both doing their own thing, to something planned like going out together. he doesn’t mind either but he does prefer anything where it’s just the two of them there, as it’s more private.

B - beauty: what do they admire in an s/o? what type of person would they fit best with?

would prefer it if his s/o wasn’t in the mafia, it’s too easy to lose them from something so simple as a job gone wrong, even so he’d rather lose them than his s/o lose him. i think he would fit well with someone who isn’t too sensitive, as he can sometimes come off as blunt in the relationship and have trouble expressing how he feels about his s/o. something he would like best in an s/o is for them to understand how he feels, and be able to be patient with him, and know how to calm or comfort him if he needed it.

C - comfort: how would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.? 

if panic/anxiety attacks are something his s/o has often, he reads up on how to help them deal with them. he follows the advice almost to the point, enough to calm you down and that's it. he's much better helping cheer you up after an attack or when you're just upset, often by putting on your favorite film or tv and trying to look after you (making food, grabbing things you need etc.)

D - dreams: how do they picture their future with their s/o? 

he struggles to see a future that includes both the mafia job and his s/o. it goes unsaid that he would definetely rather drop the mafia than his s/o, though. however in the case that his s/o is still with him in the future, or he finds a compromise so that they can still be with him if he remains in the mafia, then he doesn't really see things like marriage and children a necessity; though that doesn't mean that he won't want those things one day, or agree with you if you do.

E - equal: are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

rather passive, especially if his s/o has dated before or has more experience in it. given his life so far, he’s new to relationships and being romantic and is learning about relationships and how they work, etc. from his s/o and occasional advice from chuuya people he trusts within the mafia.

F - fight: would they be easy to forgive their s/o? how are they fighting?

he holds grudges easily, but hardly ever for the wrong reasons. he doesn’t fight about small things often, especially with his s/o, unless he’s already annoyed with something else. even then, he apologizes and admits that was his fault, albeit a little awkwardly, as soon as he’s calmed down. however, one of the things he’s most likely to argue about is if his s/o ever does something, or wants to do something that would put them in danger.

G - gratitude: how grateful are they in general? are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them? 

yes, but has a little trouble showing it in any other way other than just bluntly thanking them for what they do. he’s not exactly the best at expressing his feelings, especially through actions rather than words, but he still means well even if his thanks don’t sound genuine at times. 

H - honesty: do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? or do they share everything? 

yes and no; there’s certainly things he hasn’t told them, especially if they aren’t in the mafia like him, but most of those are things he would tell them if they asked the right questions or talked about the right topic. he doesn’t generally feel the need to keep secrets from his s/o, unless it’s to keep them safe.

I - inspiration: did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems? 

for akutagawa, being with his s/o has really helped him with dealing with people. there’s a clear difference between things like his levels of patience or care for others from before the relationship to during/after it. he still only shows that to a few select people though, such as his s/o themselves. 

J - jealousy: do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it? 

yes, but not to an obsessive point. he’s not the type to get jealous because of his s/o hanging out with close friends rather than him, nor to cut corners and assume there’s something going on between his s/o and any of their friends, but seeing someone else flirting with his s/o or being romantic with them is a different story. most likely gets angry with the other person and telling them to leave you alone because you’re with him, generally not even in a subtle way through calling you pet names and being affectionate, he just wants them gone and will be as blunt as possible about it.

K - kiss: are they a good kisser? what was the first kiss like? 

his kisses are simple; he has no real prior experience with it, and shared his first kiss with his s/o.

L - love confession: how would they confess to their s/o?

by accident. he was trying to stage a way to confess to his s/o, only for them to overhear him nervously talking to himself to practice it and chime in to say that they would love to be with him. needless to say he was taken aback and flustered hearing them say it.

M - marriage: do they want to get married? how do they propose? what would the marriage be like? 

he doesn’t want to get married for as long as he’s in the mafia. even if he loves his s/o enough to want to marry them somewhere along the line, their safety is one of the things that matters most to him and to marry them would be bringing them further into that life than he already had just by being together with them. he isn’t keen on the idea that being married would change anything about their relationship, other than hoping that by then he’d have learned how to express himself more and he could be more affectionate.

N - nicknames: what do they call their s/o? 

likely a nickname or two that references something about them (like calling atsushi “jinko”, but in a more affectionate way) and/or something standard like “baby” and other romantic pet names. since he’s not particularly one for using them, he just defaults to some of the usual ones he’s heard other people use.

O - on cloud nine: what are they like when they are in love? is it obvious for others? how do they express their feelings?

it’s tragically obvious for others, almost everyone he works with who has heard him mention his s/o knows he’s in love. he talks highly of them to anyone he trusts, and goes soft if they’re ever mentioned. especially when he and his s/o interact, it’s so obvious with how he goes soft whenever his s/o holds his hand, gives him a kiss, or a hug, etc. he doesn’t express his feelings well physically, moreso in words and his reactions to physical affection from you compared to from anyone else.

P - pda: are they upfront about their relationship? do they brag with their s/o in front of others? or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

he’s rather shy about it around other people, and shows physical affection a lot less than usual whenever he and his s/o are around other people. however, he’s not going to complain if his s/o does something like hold his hand, he’ll just get a little flustered about it.

Q - quirk: some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

R - romance: how romantic are they? what would they do to make their s/o happy? cliché or rather creative?

something cliche, but he tries his best to make his s/o happy. he tries hard to make the smallest of things he does to surprise them special, and it’s quite endearing.

S - support: are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? do they believe in them?

contrary to how he shows affection, he’s better at helping his s/o practically rather than through verbal encouragement. he helps them practice, or study, or leaves them be and tries to help through giving them less to worry about, by trying to cook or tidy up himself so that his s/o doesn’t have to think about it. even so, when you reach the thing they’ve been learning, or practicing for, he does offer them a quick, bashful “good luck” before they go.

T - thrill: do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? or do they prefer a certain routine?

he’s completely fine with a simple, certain routine to things; he’s so taken by even the small things he does with his s/o, like eating together, cuddling, he still isn’t even completely over his s/o giving him kisses and hugs.

U - understanding: how good do they know their partner? are they empathetic? 

he knows his s/o well, mostly from listening to them attentively each and every time they wanted to just talk, or vent to him about something. he isn’t very empathetic in general and struggles with it, and if his s/o is ever sad he still tries his best to cheer them up even though he can’t fully understand what they’re feeling.

V - value: how important is the relationship to them? what is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

as far as akutagawa is concerned, his relationship with his s/o is the best thing that’s ever happened. he sees it as worth much more than other things in his life, except for things like his sister and members of the mafia he has a close relationship with, but even then he holds his s/o at the same worth as those.

W - wild card: a random fluff headcanon.

X - xoxo: are they very affectionate? do they love to kiss and cuddle? 

at the start no, he’s not particularly one for physical affection, but it ends up growing on him though. only in private, and only from/with his s/o; he’s better with receiving it than he is with giving it.

Y - yearning: how will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

“if i ignore it, the feeling will go away.” spoiler alert, it doesn’t, but he doesn’t know how else to cope with it, other than quietly putting up with it and perhaps telling his s/o that he missed them when he’s able to see them again. however throughout the time he’s missing them, he would think about them more than usual as expected, and perhaps worry about them a little as well.

Z - zeal: are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? if so, what kind of?

every so often, he attempts to make some kind of grand romantic gesture, or at least what he thinks is one anyway. he’s acutely aware of how much he takes rather than gives in the relationship, and doesn’t want his s/o to leave him because of it. things he attempts range from stepping out of his comfort zone to go somewhere or do something that would make them happy, attempting to make a romantic dinner despite not being able to cook that well.

[recordingtheyear]

My Age of Anxiety – Scott Stossel

I started reading this book at a time when my anxiety had been very high for a few months in a row. I thought that maybe by understanding anxiety a bit more, maybe it would help me to manage some of my own. That’s also what motivated Scott Stossel to write the book, though admittedly my anxiety seems like nothing compared to the often debilitating worries he has suffered for decades longer than myself. Also like him, I didn’t find exactly what I’d hoped for. But the book was interesting and reassuring and very smart and I’m very glad I read it. It was an interesting mix of historical views of anxiety and mental illness, personal anecdotes (my favourite!) to keep things fresh, and lots of research about current (for 2013) research and understandings.

-          Pages 24-25: “One concern I’ve had about writing this book [and in doing so, publicly revealing the extent of his mental illness] is that I’ve subsisted professionally on my ability to project calmness and control; my anxiety makes me conscientious (I’m afraid of screwing things up), and my shame can make me seem poised (I need to hide that I’m anxious). A former colleague once described me as ‘human Xanax,’ telling me, as I chuckled inwardly, that I projected such equanimity that my mere presence can be calming to others: simply to walk into a room full of agitated people is to administer my soothing balm; people relax in my wake. If only she knew!”

-          Pages 81-8: I did not expect to laugh while reading this book as hard as I did in this chapter when Scott recounts how his anxious bowels led him to clog and overflow a toilet during a dinner party at the Kennedy compound. Would reread the book just for this bit!

-          Pages 98-100: Scott lists several “successful and exalted people who have been debilitated by their stage fright”. Hearing how famous people were undone and at times defeated by their anxieties (not just that they triumphed over them) is helpful and reassuring.

-          Pages 111-112: “Two influential twentieth-century psychotherapists, Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck, the founders of rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT)_ and cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) respectively, each argued that the treatment of social anxiety boils down to overcoming fear of disapproval. To overcome social anxiety, they say, you need to inure yourself to needless shame… The idea, in part, is to demonstrate to the patient that revealing imperfection, or doing something stupid, need not mean the end of the world or the unraveling of the self.” This was an interesting perspective and resonated with my experiences of social anxiety over the years.

-          Page 112: Impression management! What a cool concept. Has pushing myself out of shyness over the years led to some degree of this? So interesting! “Kathryn Zerbe, a psychiatrist in Portland Oregon, has written that the social phobic’s biggest fear is that other people will perceive his true – and inadequate – self. For the social phobic, any kind of performance – musical, sporting, public speaking- can be terrifying because failure will reveal the weakness and inadequacy within. This In turn means constantly projecting an image that feels false – an image of confidence, competence, even perfection. Dr. W. calls this impression management, and he observes that while it can be a symptom of social anxiety, it’s an even bigger cause. Once you’ve invested in the perpetuation of a public image that feels untrue to your core self, you feel always in danger of being exposed as a fraud… thus the stakes for any given performance become excruciatingly high: success means preserving the perception of value and esteem; failure means exposure of the shameful self one is trying so hard to hide.”

-          Pages 190-192: Scott outlines the Chicken and the Egg (and the other egg) question about whether we are more anxious and depressed now than we used to be, whether categories of illness are too broad, or whether drug companies are to blame. “The publication of each successive edition of the DSM has intended to convey the impression of science advancing. And to be sure, the DSM –III, DSM-IV and DSM-V were more empirically grounded that the first two editions… But they were still political documents as much as scientific ones, representing the claims of one psychiatric school over another – and the professional interests of psychiatrists above everything else… When you probe more deeply into the process that produced the DSM-III, its pretensions to scientific rigor begin to seem rather strained. For starters, some of its new category distinctions appear awfully arbitrary. (Why does panic disorder require the presence of four symptoms, rather than three or five, from the list of thirteen?) … [David] Sheehan, who has been studying and treating anxiety for decades [ and who worked on the DSM-III task force], makes an important point: Once you create a new disease, it starts to take on a life of its own. Research studies accrete around it, and patients get diagnosed with it, and the concept saturates the psychiatric and popular culture. Generalized anxiety disorder. A disease conceived over a boozy dinner and written into the DSM with a fairly arbitrary set of criteria, has now had thousands of studies applied to it, and the GDA has approved multiple drugs for treating it. But what if, as Sheehan contends, there is no such thing as generalized anxiety disorder – at least not as a disease distinct from panic disorder or major depression? If Sheehan is right, a large edifice of diagnosis, prescription, and academic study has been built upon something – generalized anxiety disorder – that is presumed to exist in nature but that in fact does not.”

-          Page 216: Scott’s feelings that mental illness is a moral failing and shows cowardice, even as rationally he disagrees, was very relatable: I reluctantly take both tranquilizers and antidepressants, and I believe that they work – at least a little, at least some of the time. And I acknowledge that, as many psychiatrists and psychopharmacologists have told me, I may have a ‘medical condition’ that causes my symptoms and somehow ‘justifies’ the use of these medications. Yet at the same time, I also believe (and I believe that society believes) that my nervous problems are in some way a character issue or a moral failing. I believe my weak nerves make me a coward and a wimp, with all the negative judhement those words imply, which is why I have tried to hide evidence of them – and which is why I worry that resorting to drugs to mitigate these problem both proves and intensifies my moral weakness. ‘Stop judging yourself!’ Dr. W. says. ‘You’re making your anxiety worse!’”

-          Pages 323 & 325: Scott lists some of the advantages that could come from anxiety – whether its connection to great artists, scientific breakthroughs, or benefits in the modern workplace (which resonate the most, personally). “No, anxiety is not, by itself, going to make you a Nobel Prize –winning poet or a groundbreaking scientist. But if you harness your anxious temperament correctly, it might make you a better worker… “They ‘are generally conscientious and almost obsessively well-prepared.’ Assuming they can avoid succumbing to full-blown anxiety disorders, ‘worriers are likely to be the most thorough workers and the most attentive friends,’ as The Times put it.” A positive note to end on!

[ais-n]

hello!! i just spent the past month or so reading all the icos books, scrolling through your account, and reading the notes you posted about the sequel on patreon. i’m absolutely amazed by this series and these characters, i don’t have words for how good of a time i had delving into this story. i started off loving hsin immediately and although it took me some time to warm up to boyd, he ended up being one of my absolute favorite characters that i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. i really think boyd and hsin and their story, along with the stories of all the other amazing characters associated with them, will stick with me for a long time. anyway sorry for the long message, but i just wanted to express my gratitude for these books—they helped me out a lot mentally after everything post-2020 haha. i did have a sort of question though!! how did boyd deal with the loss of one of his eyes? did he train with hsin to help adapt? how did he deal with the insecurities and frustrations that came with that loss?

Just in case - **ICOS SPOILERS / FADE SPOILERS** :)

Hi! Aww that's awesome! I'm so happy you enjoyed the series :) And that you were able to find all the content on it right away too. It's also really cool how things shifted for you over the course of the series - because that means it did its job with showing character progression :) I mean, not that it matters if people end up liking all the characters or not - but if you start feeling one way and end another, that's awesome because it means there was character development that resonated with you in anyone and that's one of my favorite things when I'M reading a book, so it's one of my favorite things for if anyone ever reads anything I'm involved in writing. So that made me really happy to hear, thank you <3

I'm gonna put my answer behind a cut just in case for spoilers :) Hopefully this thing doesn't disallow you from clicking the Read More link which once in awhile tumblr does.

Spoilers behind cut :D

Regarding his eye, it was obviously in many ways pretty life-changing for him. Even though Boyd and Hsin by that point were much better about communicating, and Boyd would want to lean on Hsin whenever needed, although I haven't written out anything from those time periods (so it may change when/if I actually do, as sometimes the characters do things I'm not expecting) -- I have a feeling Boyd tried to kind of hide as much of the downside as he could from Hsin. Not because he didn't trust Hsin - he did, unequivocally - but rather because Hsin had seemed so regretful and seemed to have guilt/worry when Boyd first woke up and learned he lost his eye. He didn't want Hsin blaming himself for it, and if Hsin saw it upsetting him too much he would have probably worried about how Hsin felt.

It did take him time to figure out some things - his depth perception was fucked, and he couldn't fight quite the way he initially had learned because of that, along with other things. He would have let Hsin see him relearning things when necessary because that's inevitable, but he would have tried to play off anything much deeper if possible. He would have wanted to see if he could handle things on his own first (in typical Boyd style) just so he could spare Hsin extra stress. He felt like Hsin had already lost so much; it didn't feel fair to pile anything further on him.

So Hsin would have helped with some stuff when needed, and obviously I'm sure they talked about things as needed too. It's not like the topic was taboo or Boyd was super sensitive to it. As much as it sucked, it was also just a thing he had to accept. So in some ways, he kind of just rolled with it the way he'd had to learn to roll with so much else in his life.

Where it really was most frustrating and upsetting for him was the way it affected his ability to work. Even though he felt and was fully capable of many things, certain jobs just would not hire someone with one eye, period. Their rules didn't allow it, or they just chose not to, or so on. Because they had to stay on the downlow, he already had limited options in the first place, and that made it worse. Then on top of that, having an eyepatch made him more memorable. Once he eventually got his glass eye, it helped a bit with that, but he'd always had an unusual eye color so without contacts and different hair color and all that, if someone were looking for him they could still potentially track him down. Hsin was also incredibly memorable so it was a worry for him as well. Especially when you put those two together.

I don't think we ever talked about it but in my personal opinion, I would guess that they probably talked about their plans for the different cities/countries they were in, whether one or both of them would stand out more, what sorts of income they could get, what sorts of things they could do, what sort of places they could live incognito, and so on.

I have always had in my mind that there was a period of time especially early on when Boyd was still healing and getting used to things, where he (as usual) tried to push himself a little too far a little too fast but Hsin stopped him because he knew how Boyd is and he knew if he was firm, Boyd would actually listen.

So for a time, Hsin was the main person going out to do things, get money, etc. There were hours Boyd would be alone wherever they were staying, and during that time all those doubts and frustrations and anger and insecurity and fear would come in. For awhile, I think he probably even drank when he was alone. Never to an addictive level or anything; just the actions of a man who felt depressed.

I'm sure some of his demons leapt on that--telling him shit like he wasn't ever going to have more worth than he did when he was used by Cyclone, or the Agency - shit like, maybe you're never going to be anything more than a valentine/whore for money in the future anyway. If people won't see you as anything other than the parts of you, and now the parts of you that are missing more than the parts that are there, maybe it's useless to think there's anything more of value in your life. That sort of negative thought process that you know isn't true but still buries its tendrils deep inside and twists.

The thing is, Boyd never really had much to call his own his whole life that people didn't attribute to others around him - one of the only things he had was his art. And losing an eye didn't make it impossible to do art, but in that beginning stage, it just felt extra awful to have lost something so integral to the one thing he had that was his alone, that hadn't been used and abused and destroyed by other powers in his life - it felt like maybe that just went to show he didn't have value other than what others assigned to him. Which is how the valentine stuff probably came to mind - through a bit of depression and also practicality, because he knew he could make money doing that if they needed it, even though it was the absolute last thing in his life he would ever want to do. But then the guilt would come in about not being able to do enough on his own, not pulling his weight, etc etc, and then the fear associated with all of these topics, and that's how the depression would have slid in and spiraled him down.

I always imagined that Hsin recognized how depressed Boyd was, even though Boyd tried to hide it, and eventually they would have had some sort of conversation about it all.

In my mind, somehow through that and any following conversations or actions or etc, Hsin was able to remind Boyd of all the things he could do still, rather than focusing on the things he couldn't. He would have reminded him that it was bullshit to think he had no value, and as for getting denied different jobs, it didn't matter - they were in this together, they'd figure it out together. He would have been able to remind Boyd to stop taking all the shit on himself and share the burden. And that Hsin didn't give a shit about any of that stuff - Hsin saw Boyd for who he was, and he loved him for that, and nothing would ever change that. Boyd would have probably told Hsin at that point he was afraid of Hsin blaming himself when it never had been his blame to begin with, and he never wanted to hurt Hsin, and etc. I imagine he told him that, but am not sure.

Either way, it would have reignited Boyd's stubborn streak and determination, and he would have been reminded of how much they could do together as a team. And how much they loved each other. And fuck the world, who cared what other people thought? He could do whatever the hell he wanted. He'd figure it out. He always had.

From then, he would have started working on things again - figuring out ways to fight that relied more on touch so his blind spot and depth perception were less of an issue (Hsin would have helped a lot with this), and he would have started painting and drawing again. It went from his offtime from Hsin being something dark and depressing to something largely productive. Obviously everyone still has bad days, but at least he was generally on the up. And they did eventually figure out jobs he could work too, or things he could do, so he wasn't just spending all his time alone when Hsin wasn't around. And so Hsin didn't have to have any pressure on him to do things alone.

I don't remember if I ever answered this question before and if I did, it's possible my answer was a little different. I often think about parts we didn't write down and I feel like I have an idea of how it would go, but until I actually write something down I never know for sure. We never planned for Afterimage, for example - but when we went to write past Evenfall, it became clear that was a thing that was going to happen, and so it did, and then things from that affected other things into Interludes, Fade, 1/27, etc.

So it's possible if ever any of these time periods are written down that maybe my view of what I think would happen ends up being completely incorrect or off. But right now, generally speaking, I imagine it went something like this.

Sorry for the long rambly reply!