#but at the same time… it still doesn’t feel like heterosexual attraction if im ever interested in a woman??

[ikkiokuma]

just finished mgs2 and i have nowhere else to take my thoughts so i’ll just dump them hear for my little internet vacuum:

> the AI/simulation plot twist is really interesting but at the same time doesn’t feel like it was resolved in the best way? outside of the patriots being a typical shady organization controlling literally everything, the explanation the AI colonel gives about human mind control feels at least a tiny bit more unique that your typical 1984 premise and excuse…i only have to wonder the aftermath of raiden and rose’s relationship with such a huge rift torn between them through the course of this game (which feels like it goes largely unaddressed considering raiden basically proposes to her after their reunion?) i think his character has a lot of good potential and their connection could have undergone some kind slow burn rebuild to make it more satisfying (it’s not like i didn’t root for them sometimes! tho im aware they are actually quite toxic tho)

> i’m also thinking of the people on twitter engaging in discourse about whether mgs2 is anti-AI to which i think it’s pretty clear that kojima encourages us to exercise our free will and critical thinking in this digital age…though raiden doesn’t outright say “fuck the patriots”—who are ostensibly using such a program to try and keep the masses ignorant, complacent, and dependent—in this game, his decision to pick his future for himself entirely goes against the AI colonel’s impression that everything in the simulation could decide the kind of person raiden becomes. to me mgs2 (along with being more explicitly about life in the digital age) takes the idea of free will or destiny from the first game up a notch with the question of: hey, what if it your future wasn’t just programmed for you by birth but by a simulation which you regard as the truth? it’s interesting to see this blend of themes (that the persona franchise decided to create two separate games based on, funny enough) work together in a new context

> sitting with the full weight of otacon’s backstory is kind of crushing. i know it’s not the worst thing ever but something about his tragedy feels all the more pointed when you think about how vulnerable he was…how he was basically abused and groomed and still blames himself to this day because he doesn’t know any better at all? it’s just such a heavy burden for someone so young to bear—an illicit affair and the death of your father because of your actions would mess anyone up in the head (im genuinely surprised he’s not worse than he is right now). his loneliness is so interesting because to a certain extent it’s self imposed by his own inaction (waiting to be loved instead of seeking it out for himself—some kind of self-esteem problem, maybe?) and for the first time in years solid snake manages to break down his walls and they form this beautiful mutual connection that i think holds so much more weight than any potential female relationship the games try to force him into (also with the fact that he seems into women that would only be somewhat unhealthy/toxic for him something something childhood trauma something something twisted conception of romance tragic doomed heterosexuality but he could find everything he looked for and more in the man who’s stayed beside him this whole time but i digress) otasune is so beautiful to me and i’ve been thinking more about how it really is only them against the world and burying my head in my hands i think im going to develop heartburn because of these fools and if anyone has good fic recs i would love for them to be sent my way im going to start writing essays about them again ffs. also something something otacon really is at his best self when he’s around snake—confident, in control, and a little sassy when he wants to be—which honestly makes him that more attractive … snake truly brought the best out of this nerd god bless

> pliskin is sooooooo gorgeous in this game i wish snake wore his hair down more i genuinely think i grinned like a maniac every time i saw his beautiful face on my screen 🤤🤤

> gameplay wise the game honestly doesn’t feel as bad as the first one (i was fucking struggling in the original)…fingers crossed the rest of the games will be somewhat similar difficulty to get through

now on to mgs3!! i’m so excited for snake eater yayyyyy

[nothingweirdhere]

by “different” i mean that an amab person is told by society that they ‘should’ be attracted to women, while afab folks are told the opposite. a trans man who’s attracted to women might still feel that there’s something inherently queer about that attraction, despite the fact that they are, of course, a man

the way i see it, like… a lot of trans men wouldn’t be comfortable with the term, and would never use it. but some feel like that’s the best way to describe their experiences and attraction, and like… i don’t see who it hurts to let people use the terms that they feel most comfortable with?

like yknow. obviously a cis man can’t just decide that he’s a lesbian, but for a trans man… there’s a lot of nuance and gray area there, i think. and for someone who has always experienced attraction in a distinctly queer way to suddenly lose that huge piece of their identity? i mean. you’ve lived your whole life as a gay person, and then you figure out you’re trans and you’re just supposed to like… throw out that part of yourself?? i can definitely understand how someone might not feel like that’s something they can do

lesbian trans man transmed flag

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

Ultimately in general, do you think Paul is into men? Or like do you think he tried something with guys?

(I just wanna take 2 seconds to say that ive been taking painkillers recently, and although they’re pretty mild, they still leave me a bit disoriented. So if im talking utter rubbish - that seems out of the ordinary to usual nonsense - that might be why)

In my ever so humble opinion, I don’t think Paul is bisexual/gay, and ill outline my main reasons for believing he is straight:

1. Paul has stated that he is straight, and has never claimed to be bisexual/gay

Paul has been known to lie in interviews, and with him being an 80 year old man, whose been married 3 times with children, and is one of the most iconic, beloved and respected figures of the 20th century, it is understandable why he might want to keep his bisexuality concealed (assuming that he is bi). Its a lot of pressure to put on one person - and if you include the addition of him having a relationship with John, thats even more pressure. If he were to reveal he had a relationship with John, he would be all alone in that declaration, because of course John is not here to stand with him. Plus, he’d be changing the entire narrative to the Beatles breakup; and id assume that if him and John did have a sexual/romantic relationship, there must be parts that were messy, and mean-spirited. We know how dark the breakup was, even without the involvement of sex/romance. Paul tends to resist talking about heavier subjects, so I think an interviewer would have a lot of trouble discussing sexuality with Paul. So of course its possible Paul could be lying, and he has a reason to; but I do think that his word is worth something, and the fact that he has never identified himself as being bi is still something worth accounting for. It doesn’t have to be end of every discussion concerning Pauls sexuality, after all, there were times John appeared to claim he wasn’t bi, but its still just a factor to consider.

2. The lack of rumours concerning Pauls sexuality

When it comes to John, we have the word of several people to account for his sexuality (eg. Yoko, Pete Townsend, David Bowie) - and even John’s own words validate this. Of course, John could’ve been kidding with every comment he made about his bisexuality, and I suppose it is something we’ll never know the real answer to; but I feel we have enough reason here to at least doubt and call into question Johns sexuality. But with Paul, there appears to be few people accounting for him being anything other then straight. Rumours are obviously not the most reliable sources in the world, but they’d at least be suggestive of something. I get the feeling that with John, his bisexuality might have been a sort of “open secret” amongst many (“John Lennon had reputedly spoken to mutual friends of his own experiments [with homosexuality]” - Pete Townsend). And perhaps Paul being bisexual is an “open secret”, but ive personally never heard anyone make that claim, so I just wouldn’t be able to say with any real certainty.

And in fairness, as a few different people have pointed out, it could just be that Paul has a great PR team - I mean, he very rarely seems to have an controversies, so it must be a pretty damn good PR team - but then again, it could also just be that there has never been a substantiated claim to Paul having had sexual/romantic relations with another man. Perhaps we’ll find out more once Paul (I hate to say) dies, but for now, we remain at a loss.

3. The evidence for Paul being bisexual overall just isn’t strong enough for me

There are things that might make me doubt my belief that Paul is heterosexual. I can see the argument for song lyrics supposedly being telling of the truer nature of their relationship (eg. Dear Boy, The Long And Winding Road, Oh Darling!, Coming Up, Call Me Back Again). Even the Lennon/McCartney breakup on a whole shows a profound emotional turmoil between the two, that is somewhat evocative of a breakup between lovers. And then of course, there are the looks and off-hand remarks that maybe tell us something about the two. But at the end of the day, none of these things are concrete enough to convince me that Paul is bisexual, or that him and John had a full-blown relationship; it just feels like speculation to me. And I think we run a danger to some extent in pointing to things like “song lyrics” as certain evidence that Paul is attracted to men (specifically, John), because the way people express and articulate themselves is complicated and messy, and somewhat difficult to comprehend. Especially with lyrics as an art form, they are not always as straight forward as we may perceive them to be. The “evidence” that I would consider the most reliable, are probably things either Paul or John have said in interviews, or anecdotes involving the two (especially from the breakup). But as I said before, its just not concrete enough for me.

As for your second question, id hazard a guess to say he tried something, at least once, with a guy. I couldn’t prove this, but I just feel like most people will experiment at least once with someone of the same sex, and with Paul being an already-progressive guy who has knowingly surrounded himself with and supported gay people for decades, I feel like at some point or another maybe he just tested the waters y’know. Like he’s probably at least kissed a guy, just to find out. But like I said, I cant prove that claim, but its just a guess from me.

If anyone has any “evidence” - I always feel a bit silly for some reason saying “evidence” when discussing someones sexuality - concerning Pauls sexuality that I didn’t discuss here, or disagrees with anything ive said, feel free to challenge me on this! I am intrigued to hear why you guys believe Paul is bi!

[sawyid]

LOST character headcanons

here's a comprehensive list of my pronoun, gender, sexuality, and relationship headcanons for just about all the characters! this post will not have any spoilers.

when i say "with:" and list a BUNCH of people it doesn't necessarily mean that i think they're dating all of those people. by "with" it could mean anywhere from "dating and in love with" to "they banged once" lol. ill elaborate on which is which, tho. keep in mind i think that everyone on the island was definitely VERY sexually active and didn't give a fuck about keeping it a secret. i mean, they were all surviving on a deadly island together— why bother keeping secrets?

alex

she/they trans girl

bisexual

maybe polyamorous?

with: karl 🥺 they love each other so much

amy (goodspeed)

she/they gnc woman

lesbian

polyamorous

with: definitely dated juliet for a while while they had the chance, maybe even started crushing on kate

ana lucia

she/he/they/it gnc woman

lesbian as FUCK

monogamous maybe 🤔⁉️

with: maybe had/has a thing with kate? other than that i don't really know who she's compatible with

ben

he/it nonbinary (masc aligned)

gay aromantic

monogamous

dating john 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

bernard

he/him trans man

the only valid straight mf on the show

monogamous

married to rose

boone

he/she gnc man

SO SO SO VERY GAY

polyamorous

with: charlie, hurley, jin, michael, sawyer, sayid. id like to think he's dating all of them. maybe started off as a fwb thing but developed into more than that (looking at sawyer specifically)

cassidy phillips (sawyer's "long con")

she/her trans woman

lesbian

polyamorous

with: her and kate definitely had/have a thing

claire

she/they cis woman

bisexual

polyamorous

with: charlie, desmond, hurley, kate, sun. she's dating all of them! she's probably been ... intimate with desmond a handful of times too because they're both dating charlie. hurley is gay and not attracted to women, but he's definitely been in bed with claire a ton of times considering they're both in love with charlie.

charlie

he/they/pup pupgender trans masc

bisexual

so unbelievably polyamorous

with: oh good god here we go... claire, desmond, hurley, boone, eko, jin, michael, sawyer, aaaaand sayid! he loves them all so so dearly! i think he and sawyer definitely started out as fwb (like boone and sawyer). i just think charlie is very quick to fall head over heels. i love him so much 🥺

charlotte

she/it/they trans woman

lesbian

monogamous

naomi is her girlfriend

daniel (faraday)

he/they nonbinary trans masc

gay

polyamorous

with: desmond, hurley, jin, michael, miles, sawyer, sayid. he and desmond are CLASSIC soulmates. i mean, they literally invented the concept of the constant. they're so deeply in love that it's different from his other boyfriends. i honestly think he's also very quick to develop feelings! he and charlie totally would've been in love.

desmond

he/him gnc man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: claire, charlie, daniel, eko, hurley, jin, michael, miles, penny, richard, sawyer, sayid. i'd say charlie, daniel, and penny are the absolute loves of his life. i feel like everyone else he's definitely slept with on a few occasions at the very least. he and sayid are definitely boyfriends. hurley too <3

dogen

he/they gnc man

gay

monogamous

with: lennon

edward mars (the us marshal)

he/him cis man

straight, but maybe did a little experimenting in college ;)

monogamous

eko

he/they gnc man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: claire, charlie, desmond, hurley, jin, kate, michael, sawyer, sayid. of the people here, he's dating charlie, jin, michael, and sawyer. everyone else he had been intimate with/intimate at the same time as his boyfriends because of mutual partners lol.

ethan rom

he/him cis man

straight aromantic

monogamous

frank (lapidus)

he/him cis man

gay

non monogamous

with: richard :) and he's probably done it with dan, miles, michael, sawyer, and sayid a few times

horace (goodspeed)

he/they trans gener maybe 🤔

gay

polyamorous

with: pierre. sawyer and him for sure dated lol. and i'd imagine hurley, jin, and miles were never too busy to help out ;)

hurley

he/they/xe gnc amab dude

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, claire, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, jin, michael, miles, sawyer, sayid. now with hurley i do think he was dating or at least crushing on everyone here. he has a lot of intimate experiences with these guys when they get together to have fun with charlie. maybe not eko so much? but idk i still think they'd be cute together. but his soulmates are charlie and miles. hurley is gay and not attracted to women, but he's definitely been in bed with claire a ton of times considering they're both in love with charlie.

jacob

he/him cis man

straight aromantic asexual

jack

i REALLY want to just say cishet, but i don't think that's entiiireellyy true... just cus i hate him doesn't mean i can ignore the truth

he/him cis man

bisexual but the type of mf to call himself "heteroflexible" or "heteroromantic bisexual" lmaoo 💀

monogamous

dating nobody ❤️ live alone and die alone ❤️

jae-young lee (sun's friend/ex boyfriend)

he/him cis man

gay

monogamous

with: that "girl" he went to meet in america was actually a guy and theyre gay lovers 😼

jin

he/him cis man

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, horace, hurley, michael, miles, sawyer, sayid. he's just dating everyone here end of story. he and michael are soulmates tho 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

juliet

she/they/fae nonbinary (neutral) + gnc

lesbian

polyamorous

with: claire, kate, sun. they're all dating each other :>

karl

he/xe trans boy

bisexual

monogamous methinks 🤔 or maybe would be considered "non monogamous" because i think he'd be totally cool with alex also dating someone else alongside him

with: alex

kate

she/they woman

VERY bisexual

VERY polyamorous

with: claire, juliet, sun, sawyer. dating all of em! fuck jack all my homies hate jack.

lennon

he/him cis man

gay

monogamous

with: dogen

libby

she/they gnc woman

lesbian

monogamous idk

she was very obviously written into the show as the "romantic interest that hurley didn't have" but everything she does is some shit charlie would do. she's like charlie's cis-sona.

locke

he/him trans man

bi with a preference for men

monogamous

dating ben 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

man in black

they/he nonbinary masc

pansexual (aromantic)

monogamous

michael

he/him cis man

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, hurley, jin, miles, sawyer, sayid. dating everyone!

mikhail

he/him cis man

gay

monogamous

miles

he/they trans man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: claire, daniel, desmond, horace, hurley, jin, kate, michael, richard, sawyer, sayid. i think of him as charlie 2 in that he is also a whore (/pos). he fucks to survive. BUT he is also in love with all these people. other than horace maybe, that was just a fwb thing. and i don't think he and kate dated but they've definitely fucked considering they're both dating sawyer, same thing with claire

naomi (dorrit)

she/her trans woman

lesbian

monogamous

with: charlotte

nikki

she/they cis woman

straight

monogamous

with: paulo!

nour abbed "nadia" jazeem

she/her cis woman

lesbian

monogamous

paulo

he/him cis man

bisexual

monogamoius

with: nikki

penny

she/her cis woman

bisexual

non monogamous

with: just desmond! but she loves her husband's boyfriends endlessly and has definitely been involved in the bedroom with them sometimes too

pierre

he/him cis man

bisexual

polyamorous

with: horace and lara (chang, miles's mom)

richard

he/they gnc man

gay

non monogamous?

with: he's dating frank and miles, but has also been intimate with desmond, hurley, jin, sawyer, and sayid because of mutual boyfriends.

rose

she/her cis woman

bisexual

monogamous

married to bernard

rousseau

she/her trans woman

lesbian

monogamous

sawyer

he/him cis man

he is also VERY bisexual

also violently polyamorous

with: boone, claire, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, frank, hurley, jin, kate, michael, miles, richard, sayid. i think the only people here he isn't dating are claire, frank, and richard.

sayid

he/him, maybe he/they, gnc man

gay

polyamorous

with: boone, charlie, daniel, desmond, eko, hurley, jin, michael, miles, richard, sawyer. dating all of them! he's also been intimate with a kate pretty often for reasons that stay between sawyer, kate, and himself <3

sun

she/they trans woman

lesbian

polyamorous

with: claire, juliet, kate. dating all.

tom brennan (kate's childhood boyfriend)

he/him trans man

gay

monogamous

walt

he/they trans masc

he's a kid so im not going to headcanon a solid sexuality as that would be weird lol. some kind of mlm tho

extra: i care about him so much he doesn't get enough attention in the fanbase :( my bb had so much potential and the writers just decided to ignore him :/

shannon

she/her female

heterosexual

monogamous

with: nobody. ever. die. die a painful painful death millions of times over again

THE END !

that shit took forever to type out holy FUCK.

[stormyoceansmain]

I know you’re gonna be in your Madney feels for the next 2 episodes BUT now that you’re through the Christmas episode: the thing I was referring to that makes me think Eddie is attracted to women is his post-sex scene with Shannon. Their relationship is a disaster and a half, but the fact that they jumped back into sex instead of jumping back into playing house makes it feel like Eddie IS genuinely attracted to her? Idk if I’m making sense because l’m still waiting for the caffeine to kick in, but yeah I feel like Eddie is attracted to Shannon and therefore I can’t call him 100% gay (he’s also obviously into dudes too though)

HI!!!!!! yeah, im really sorry, i definitely was on a 48 hours madney meltdown because these past 2 episodes wrecked me in ways i didn't even know were possible..... anyway!! don't worry, you make perfect sense, even without the caffeine!!

i definitely see what you mean, that post sex scene they had in the christmas episode was really sweet and playful, at least before christopher got home, and i do think eddie loves shannon dearly, but at the same time i still think it's so easy to read him and certain behaviors he has as compulsory heterosexuality, also because of how they decided to bring back shannon into his life

like.. in 2x07 you have carla saying to him that it wasn't a coincidence if he chose a job that's like 30 minutes away from where shannon lived and that, when it comes to christopher, a boy needs his mother, which was kinda weird to me because 1) eddie obviously has family in town, his abuela and tia who can help him out with christopher, so the fact that they are trying to make us believe he moved there just for the one in a million chance to run into shannon is pretty ridiculous to me (it didn't even looked like he was ever going to reach out to her, if it weren't for the school), 2) im a firm believer that what children need are, in fact, people who love them unconditionally, which not always necessarily mean a father and a mother

im not saying shannon is a bad mother or that she shouldn't be back in christopher's life, i actually feel for her a lot and i wish she were headed to a happier ending, but all of this kinda feels like a reinforcement of what society thinks a family should be and a man should want

so it's true that they jumped back into sex, and it may be read as eddie being indeed attracted to women as well, but once again it's like.. weirdly enough it feels like a safe choice for eddie, because that's something he was already used to and it's also an easy way out so he doesn't have to talk to shannon and maybe admit things about himself.. and in the end it was christopher's wish to see her again and eddie seeing that marine guy's being reunited with his kid and wife that pushed him into fully bringing shannon back into their lives, but it still makes me wonder how much it was for christopher's sake, and for what is expected of him, rather than what eddie actually wants

.. oh god this is so long i am SO SORRY and i do think reading eddie as bisexual is perfectly valid, the point is that this boy ain't straight and that's what matters!!!!!!!

[bookofmormonmemes]

I don't think comp het would be strong enough to lead Corianton to seek out a female harlot when he could have easily Not Done That and spared himself and his family and his church the embarrassment. What else could he possibly have hoped to gain from that decision besides satisfying the lusts of his eyes? I mean, Alma clearly thought that Corianton's horniness was the main problem and there's no evidence to the contrary. Why out of Alma's sons would you think Corianton is gay?

honestly? projection. like not to get personal but comp het was strong enough scare the hell out of my parents with how quickly and intensely physical my relationship with my boyfriend got in my freshman year of college. I’m an afab person and I am not attracted to boys, but for a while I thought maybe it was just because I wasn’t trying hard enough--wasn’t opening up enough, wasn’t letting myself enjoy his affection. At this time, I was still operating under the viewpoint that marrying a man was the only way for me to ever be happy, in this life or the next. If I could endure my discomfort long enough to eventually accept and actually enjoy our physical relationship, that meant that i Could have a happy heterosexual marriage in the future 

and i tried to speedrun it! i went way outside my comfort zone, definitely way outside the For the Strength of Youth guidelines--because the alternative was, if I couldn’t force myself to feel something for him, then i would Never have that happiness. If I Could eventually become attracted to him, then I had a future. I could repent of this unchastity and try again. if i Couldn’t, that was it--I was fully a lesbian and my only choices were either celibacy or apostasy.

(i don’t feel that way anymore. this boy and I broke up after like 4 months. im v happy with the girlfriend I have now and I think our relationship and the affection between us has progressed much more naturally and comfortably and im very grateful for that.)

I think it’s entirely possible Corianton could have had those same (or similar) feelings. Alma specifies that Corianton is in his youth, so I think he might have been just starting to realize he’s different, and didn’t know what to do when confronted with the possibility that he might not like women. So he goes after a harlot, someone who’s already stolen away the hearts of many, someone with enough celebrity for Alma to call her out by name. It’s like when you ask a closeted lesbian her celebrity crush and she just says Chris (Chris Evans? Chris Pine? Just whoever’s most popular, whoever everybody else has a crush on!). Because if he can really feel that lust for Isabel, then afterwards he can repent and find a Good Mormon Nephite Girl to actually fall in love with. If he can’t manage any attraction to Siron’s Top Sexiest Bachelorette, he’s done for. It’s a last-ditch effort to fit the mold.

And it doesn’t work. He comes home, having embarrassed his family and his church, and he sits down for a lecture and he is Not Having A Good Time. Which...I think may be the reason Alma perceives that Corianton’s so worried about mortality and the afterlife. After falling so far and failing so bad, Corianton may have very well been suicidal at this point. If he doesn’t have any hope of Hetero Happiness in this life, maybe his only shot is in the next.

So in the end of chapter 41, Alma talks about resurrection and restoration in a way that I think is pretty key to this interpretation. Every queer member of the Church has heard that they’ll be “fixed” (i.e. made straight/cis) in the Resurrection, but Alma refutes that in this section so hard and so explicitly. In verse 12-13: “Is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state and put it in an unnatural state, or to place it in a state opposite to its nature? O, my son, this is not the case; but the meaning of the word restoration is to bring back again evil for evil...good for that which is good.” Whether good or bad, Corianton isn’t gonna be changed in the Resurrection; he’s not gonna be a different person, he’s not gonna be rid of what he perceives as being wrong with him. That might be a comfort. It might not. But it’s the truth.

In the next chapter Alma goes on to specify that this life is the time to fix what we’ve done wrong. And specifically, that we can fix what we’ve done wrong. And also that that’s not necessarily a get-out-of-jail-free card! Corianton should NOT have abandoned his mission to go after Isabel, regardless of his reasons. And he’s not gonna change his nature in the next life. So right now, he needs to repent. He needs to accept his nature. He does have hope, and he has that hope of happiness in goodness, in treating others with truth and mercy and service. 

 Alma closes chapter 41 not with a call to be more virtuous or pure, but to be merciful and just with his brethren and to do good--focusing not on how righteous we are in our own selves, but how we treat one another. Finally, he closes chapter 42 (and his talk to corianton in general) similarly: “Go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness, that thou mayest bring souls unto repentance, that the great plan of mercy my have claim upon them.” Basically: you screwed up, kiddo, but I love you and I believe in you and you’ve got good work to do. Don’t worry. Be kind. Keep determined. Find joy in community. You have hope.

also when all is said and done corianton goes on the cool sailing pilgrimage with hagoth & co. which is Very Gay if i may say 

So. Do I think Corianton was gay, and do I think I have good reason for that? Yes. Do I think he was out to his dad, or that Alma would have been supportive, or that Nephite society would have the same homophobia and heteronormativity as the Church today? I don’t know. I’m more of an artist than a scholar--I interpret based on how I feel. I liken the scriptures to myself. This is the evidence I see, this is the story I feel is behind it, this is the eisegesis I’m choosing to take from it. Because it speaks to me, and I relate to it!

I hope this has been a thoughtful adequate answer, but to really tl;dr it basically he’s gay cus im gay and i said so, and that’s really all there needs to be to it! Thank you for sending me this ask and thereby allowing me the space to really study and wax long-winded about this jsdfghjdjfg. gay sailor rights and i hope u have a lovely sunday

[nat-20s]

ooh can i have some reluctantly soft hcs about jon pre s1-s2? (maybe even some about pride??)

okay so we gettin REAL soft tonight babes!

-so for pride Sasha and Tim have officially formed the Taking Martin To His First Pride Team and all three of them spend like a week going back and forth on whether or not to invite Jon bc a: he’s a bit surly and b: he might?? be the Token Cishet? (he’s neither, but they don’t know that.) and while a token cishet can be supportive of his friends at pride they also don’t know if they?? qualify as his friends??

-There’s a conversation that basically goes like

Tim: im sure even as a straight guy he’d like to at least be invited. Wait. Is Jon straight? Do we know?

Sasha: I dunno. I get a Vibe from him that says otherwise

Tim: really??? but he’s not receptive to my charms???

Sasha: believe it or not Tim not being attracted to you specifically is not a conclusive indication of heterosexuality.

Tim: sources???

Martin: guys he’s..probably straight. even ignoring just, god, statistical probability, i kind of?? want to?? hold his hand???

Sasha: and that means???

Martin: i pretty much only ever get crushes on deeply unavailable men. Hence why Tim does not make me swoon.

Tim: now that just sounds like a challenge. ALSO I’m pretty sure Jon counts as deeply unavailable regardless of whether or not he’s straight. Not exactly the most open person around. 

Sasha: i say we invite him anyway! if he’s shitty about it I’ll make sure his email doesn’t work right for a month! 

Tim: Sasha you terrify me. I love you.

Sasha: 😘

So Tim casually knocks on Jon’s door and is like “hey boss we’re going to pride this weekend would you like to come with?” and Jon goes through a whole Face Journey because while, at this point, he Knows he’s trans, is pretty?? sure?? he’s bi, and is aware of being ace but not of like the word or that other people are Like That, pride is still..a lot. Especially when he’s not out to any of them. Reluctantly he ends up agreeing to come along and actually DOES and it’s good? it’s weird for him but it’s nice. It’s really nice and it feels safe and joyful in a way that he’s not used to. He’s doesn’t pick up any merch but the fact that it exists, that there’s people like him out here and living life? it’s lovely to watch. Doubly so to see his coworkers all having a blast. It’s not like any of the other three are particularly dour at work, but here? the three of them THRIVE.

non pride related

-Before he is just so stressed all the time constantly Jon used to sing to himself quite a lot! You can pry “Jon is a good singer” from my cold dead hands. before he becomes Boss Man he’s willing to keep singing even when a coworker walks in and sasha in particular is like woah! that sounds really nice! After shit goes down he kind of stop singing, which sucks because it’s something he really enjoys but it just. Doesn’t come out anymore. Until Scotland at least. Martin is extremely taken with it. 

-There’s a point where Jon walks in on Tim desperately trying not to fuck up the Other Eye when it comes to putting on eyeliner and after about 7 minutes of struggling because it’s just one of those days Jon is like “jesus christ”, grabs Tim’s face, and applies a FLAWLESS, symmetrical cat eye in like .2 seconds. Tim is DELIGHTEDLY like “Jon what the fuck??? :DDD” and Jon is like “i went to college” even though it explains NOTHING and Martin, who’s been watching this exchange the entire time, is a Touch Starved Gay Icon with the World’s Dumbest Crush who thinks nothing but “jon. Hands. Face.” before saying “I Would Also Like Eyeliner” and Jon is like GROANS you would wouldnt you and then does it anyway. Jon doesn’t realize he cataloged the feeling of martin’s face under his hands until like. two years and one soppy dream later

-Jon establishes himself as a clothing thief in season 1 while martin is staying in the archive. one day he accidentally takes Martin’s hoodie and DOESN’T even notice even though it’s a: blatantly not the cardigan of the same color he thought he was grabbing and b: oversized on him. Martin sees him and is like “is that?? my hoodie??” and that’s when jon finally looks at what he’s wearing and just replies, “Yes.” Martin asks, “Can I..have it back” and since Jon is Pissy and Sleep Deprived and generally not in his right senses and also his animal hindbrain is like hhhg hoodie smell good he flatly responds, “No.” And Martin finds it a very confusing mix of deeply annoying and deeply endearing. 

-other items jon has stolen:

one of roises big ol hair clips

a scarf of sasha’s

a pair of Tim’s pajama pants?? how did he even get those???

Like half of Georgies wardrobe at some point or another

-Before he became archivist, he had a favorite little reading nook in the institute. It was private and sunny and quiet and HIS and he spent many a lunch there without anyone knowing, back when he got to read for fun 

-for all the shit that he tries to give Martin about letting a dog into the institute, over the course of his career there he has temporarily snuck in three different stray cats and also a very sad looking hedgehog because he’s a bleeding heart with the rest of em

-he’s not the best baker but when he DOES manage to make something really well, he would almost always bring it into work to share, with a note listing ingredients and a “feel free to eat” note, but absolutely making sure no one knows it was him that dropped it off. Sasha recognizes his hand writing every time but they have a silent agreement that he always sneaks her the best of the batch and she doesn’t say anything

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

anon whom u asked to elaborate

(I'm a girl 17)I've had guy crushes bit i never wanted to be physically close to them or wanted to be in a relationship with them, not that that situation would've ever arised

but I've been questioning my sexuality for over a year and half now and i THINK i like this girl but i feel like it's not real and i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her but idk if I'm REALLY attracted to her like 'butterflies in stomach' thing didn't happen but i was excited(maybe coz i know she's straight but idk)

and even in future I'd like to be with a girl(physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them) but idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve and with boys i don't think it's physical atleast, idk about emotional cause I've had crushes and all

and i read your last reply and u said if in theory i think i am attracted to them thing but then every bi curious person is bi and so on?

and i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future but it seems fake( this can also be because of the fact that i know zero lgbt+ people in real life and probably never will because of the situation in my society)

and ik you'll probably say it's internalized biphobia nd like yes maybe but it's been such a fucking long time it's frustating and i still haven't reached a conclusion and i just can't overcome it and I'm exhausted

Thanks for elaborating. And sorry if that’s not the magic epiphany you want to hear but yeah, a lot of that sounds like internalised biphobia/lesbophobia to me.

I would urge you to reread your own message again and maybe imagine it was someone else, maybe a good friend of yours, saying those things to you. What would you think or say to them if they said something like:

“i want to be in a relationship with her and want to be close to her”

“in future I'd like to be with a girl (physically and emotionally also im pretty sure that im sexually attracted to them)”

“i think i have the potential to be attracted to women in future”

Do any of these statements sound to you like something a heterosexual woman would say? To me they don’t. You are literally saying in various different ways that you are attracted to woman and desire them romantically and sexually. Straight women do not desire romantic and/or sexual relationships with other women. Straight women do not have the potential to be attracted to women - by definition they don’t bc they are heterosexual = exclusively attracted to men. Everything you say confirms that you are attracted to women = that you are NOT straight.

And all the doubts that you are having are internalised crap that’s holding you back. And yes, sure, living in a queerphobic environment where other LGBTQIA+ people are erased (I’m sure they exist around you but have to be closeted), puts you in a very tough position to explore and accept your sexuality. If you cannot connect to the queer community offline then at least try it online, try to talk to people here.

I also want to get into something you said regarding girls which was “idk if I'd ever be attracted to them in a way they deserve”. What do you mean “a way they deserve”? You don’t owe anyone attraction one way or another. Either you are attracted to someone or not. And there are probably as many different ways to be attracted to someone as there are different people. To some you may not be attracted at all, to others a little bit. To some the attraction might be purely sexual or purely romantic or something else entirely or a mix between all of it. And maybe after some time you realise there’s a pattern, for example that whenever you find yourself attracted to men it’s only or mostly sexual without any desire to pursue a romance there; but when you find yourself attracted to women there is more romance involved. Or maybe there’s a different pattern or none at all. But attraction just ~happens~ and it’s nothing that you are obliged to feel a certain way.

If you want to identify as bi then you can, even if those “attraction patterns” aren’t the same for every gender. It’s fine to be bi while having different desires for different genders. And for some bi people, romantic and sexual orientation don’t align perfectly, so you could also see if the split attraction model suits you (for example: bisexual/homoromantic). But to go back to that statement of yours: nobody “deserves” to be attracted to at all. You got that wrong here, my friend. You don’t owe it to anybody that you are attracted to them one way or another. If you have feelings for someone and you are afraid that they aren’t “strong enough” or aren’t of “the right kind” that’s for you to decide and I would always recommend to play with open cards and be honest to the person about feelings and fears and all that. And then they can decide for themselves what they want to make of this information. But nobody ever “deserves” to be the object of your desire in a certain way. Scratch that! It’s a very unrealistic and unhealthy way to look at attraction.

I understand that you are exhausted, that this seems like it’s not going anywhere. But then also consider how far you’ve already come. Think of yourself a year or two ago or even further back and see how much you’ve already learned about yourself. The fact you’re able to reflect on your sexuality that much is an achievement and you can be proud of it. Asking for help and advice is also something to be proud of. I do have my usual “getting rid of internalised biphobia” post here but in your case I would like to primarily advise you to be kind and patient to yourself. And start believing yourself! When you find yourself thinking “I have a crush on this girl/I am attracted to her/I want to be in a relationship with a woman” then remind yourself that those are not the words of a straight women. Try to kill those doubts with pure logic. I can guarantee you that no heterosexual woman desires sex or romance with another woman - if she does then she’s gonna realise sooner or later that she’s not really been straight after all. And furthermore: don’t waste too much energy comparing your feelings for women to your feelings for men. It can be interesting and for some people it’s helpful but for others it isn’t. If it doesn’t get your forward to compare that then just don’t and remind yourself that bisexuality doesn not mean you have to be equally attracted to all genders. It can be different and you don’t need to pick it all apart in detail if you don’t feel like that helps you at this point.

Maddie

[hidetothink]

still waiting on that bojack analysis king. especially now that it's over im super interested.

Oh god, Ive written that out like three times and started completely over

To at least give the TLDR version, BoJack HorseFace is a show that doesn’t really shy away from melancholy realities about life and particularly about relationships. It’s also set in an alternate Hollywood, California and discusses the effect that the city’s culture can have on people. Despite both of these facts, BoJack HorseFace makes a seemingly conscious choice to show very little representation of same-sex couples or the realities of same-sex relationships.

Every one of the main characters is shown in relationships, even the asexual character Todd, yet all of these relationships are consistently heterosexual. This isn’t to say BJHF doesn’t have LGB characters or show any same-sex relationships. Various side or even background characters are shown to be lesbians, gay men, or bisexual (including BoJack’s longtime friend Herb), and several of these characters are shown to be LGB because of their same-sex partnerships (past or present).

Yet, how many of these relationships are ever fleshed out beyond that? How many same-sex couples experience the complexity of Diane and Mr. PeanutButter? BoJack and Princess Caroline? Princess Caroline and the mouse whose name escapes me... Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that same-sex couples in BoJack HouseParty don’t experience the signature BoJack HouseBoat constant deluge of life-being-shitty. We see characters in same-sex relationships struggle with negative aspects in their relationships, or at least from afar. This is ultimately nowhere near the extent or complexity of the het-paired main cast.

For me, Todd is what makes it more noticeable.

If the show did not specifically create a story arc highlighting the many complexities of romantic life for an asexual person, I would simply assume the show has fairly common heteronormative writing. The writers were sure to include representation but not quality depth among its same-sex partnered characters compared to the (again always het paired) main cast.

But they didn’t do this.

Before I say more, let me first say that I like Todd as a character (I’m routinely told I’m a lot like Todd, personally I feel like a fusion of Todd and Diane) and I greatly enjoy how they handled his sexuality. I found the representation charming. The events that stemmed from his sexuality were some I’d never seen before and imagine some audience members found them comforting and maybe enlightening. In my own way, I resonated with Todd’s realization that “just because your dating pool is small doesn’t mean you can just gloss over incompatibility between you and your partner”

However, the choice of the writers to place multiple story-beats around how asexuality effects Todd and his relationships (imo the entire show is ABOUT relationships of various forms) while simultaneously doing so little to provide this same depth on topics unique to same-sex attraction and partnerships eventually feels…intentional? At least conscious. And greatly disappointing.

The creators of BoDayHorseJack demonstrated the ability to organically show how different aspects of a person make their relationships harder (or at least different). Knowing they COULD have done this with a same-sex couple, but never did, makes it sting that much worse.

This is only further worsened by the show’s decision to partner Todd, the ONLY main character given a canon sexuality that could include dating a member of the same-sex (even if that relationship is not sexual) with (yet again) exclusively members of the opposite sex.

Not just once.

Todd is routinely placed in romantic partnerships with women, never men. With the surrounding context, this again feels…intentional? At least conscious. And greatly disappointing.

Now, I’m not saying that placing Todd in a same-sex relationship would solve all these issues. If anything, that just opens a whole new Worm Can about whether a same-sex partnership between asexual characters even counts as representation of LGB persons (I argue it does not). However, the choices to:

1). Have an entirely heterosexual main cast…

2). Exclusively delve deeply into relationships with het-paired couples…

3). Do this in a settling which IRL is home, historically and presently, to a VAST number of LGB persons…

4). Do this all while having a show that’s ABOUT relationships…

5). Demonstrate the ability to represent how sexuality affects a person’s experience of relationships…

Feels…intentional. At least conscious. And greatly disappointing.

I love BoJerk HoursMen, and I don’t mean that in the “I love it, but…”

I sincerely love HorseShow. I’ve talked with my friends a lot about how cathartic the show feels (that’s a whole other soapbox). I think the series might be in my top 10 shows of all time.

I mention my appreciation for the show to underline how much I’m not trying to tear down the entire series or its creators. I’m not canceling Bojack HorseMan. But, at the same time, I mention my love for the show because it highlights just how disappointed I was with the creators’ seeming conscious choices in how they did (and did not) show the complexity of same-sex relationships, while setting their series in  a city and state with historic ties to large communities of LGB people

Hopefully, this rambling covers the basics of what I wanted to say. Just that I noticed a sad fact, and feel it’s a little too coincidental to just be a coincidence

[luminescentauthor]

Sora/Tobi Getting Together and Relationship Headcanons

THEY’RE HEEEEEERREEEE! Maybe Tobi will finally leave me alone now and stop taking up my whole brain.

Please read this post or this won’t make sense, it’s HCs about their third year. There’s also a part two that you don’t need to read, since everything you need is in part one. (U can if u want to tho.)

(If you don’t want to, basically all you need to know is: Nao, Sora, Tobi, and Mokichi are on first-name basis since the end of second year; Sora and Tobi have had a running prank war since the end of their first year and everyone on the team hates them because of it; Sora is captain, Mokichi is vice. Oh also Tobi’s aunt is awesome and she stormed into his parents’ house in Hiroshima to yell at them for being terrible parents. Tobi didn’t find out for the longest time.)

This is some 10-ass pages so headcanons below the cut!

This. Is. So much more chaotic than my Sora/Nao HCs. Prepare for disaster gays, very tired and very exasperated queer parent friend Momoharu, very very tired Mokichi, "usually a functional bi but the second you involve emotions he becomes a grade-a disaster bisexual" Tobi, Sora struggling to deal with "OH shit I'm gay," and "bows to absolutely no one and done with everyone and everything 24/7" Nanao Nao. This version of Nao is so much more of a tired badass than Sora/Nao's Nao, who stays more true to her canon self. 

It's also twice as long. Yeet.

Tobi and Sora have had growing feelings since their first year and Mokichi and Nao are fucking suffering with these stupid gays.

They were friends at first, and it really was just pure platonic feelings. It started to turn into something more a little after the first Taiei game, but Sora is shy and a certified disaster and Tobi is way too emotionally constipated for either of them to do anything about it.

Tobi I love you but you're a fucking mess.

Tobi actually got kicked out by his "father" in large part for being bisexual, and therefore wants absolutely nothing to do with growing feelings for tiny cute short teammate, nope nope no thank you-

But basically, Tobi has known he's bi for a while now, and while he's having some acceptance problems, he's not having the "OH GOD I'M GAY" panic

Sora has not known, and he's having a panic in the background because "I'm attracted to guys?!"

Sora starts realizing what's going on some time in second year, and Momoharu takes one look at the panicking Sora and goes "aight the fuck happened to you?"

You will have to pry their friendship from my cold dead hands and I'm not sorry. I love Momoharu and Sora's dynamic. 

Sora eventually confesses to Momoharu (after a lot of prodding) that he thinks he's turning gay, and Momoharu immediately starts laughing. Sora, hurt and feeling very stupid, goes to run, but Momoharu tugs him back down to sit and tells him, "Jesus, Sora, you don't turn gay. You either identify as gay or you don't. Sorry for scaring you, the concept of turning gay is just... oddly funny. Don't worry about it dude, I'm pansexual."

"...Pansexual?" Sora asks nervously.

"Yup, I'm attracted to all people regardless of gender. Men, women, people who don't fit either -- I don't much care. Gender doesn't really factor into whether or not I'm attracted to people."

"You can be attracted to multiple genders?" Sora asks, eyes wide.

Oh boy, Momoharu thinks. Poor kid. "Yeah, folks who are attracted to just men and women are called bisexual. Homosexual is the official word for those who are only attracted to their own gender, but gay or lesbian is usually used. Heterosexual is for those only attracted to the opposite gender. Of course, the lines aren't as clear set as those labels suggest they are. Sexuality is fucky, dude. Don't worry about not having it figured out. I only decided on a label a few months back, myself. Some people just choose not to label it at all."

That makes Sora feel better, and he takes to talking to Momoharu about it quite a bit.

At one point, Sora brings up how the team would react, especially since they share a locker room. Momoharu just gives him a deadpan look and then says in the flattest voice ever, "Wow, imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that you can't share a changing room with a gay man." That gets a laugh out of Sora and makes him feel a lot better.

As it turns out, this was word for word Chiaki's reaction to Momoharu being nervous about coming out to the team back in their first year.

It is also, word for word, Chiaki's response to Sora coming out to him going "I'm sorry I hope this doesn't make things awkward-"

Momoharu laughs hysterically when Chiaki pulls the exact same face he did and says in the exact same deadpan tone, "Wow, imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that you can't share a changing room with a gay man." Sora also stares at Chiaki for about ten seconds in silence, then doubles over laughing. Chiaki is so confused until Momoharu explains. 

However, this does mean that Momoharu has to deal with the brunt of Sora's "TOBI DID A THING HOLY SHIT" rants for the rest of the year, even though he denies that Tobi is the one he was attracted to if ever asked.

Momoharu, rubbing his forehead: Chiaki the baby gays are being stupid what do I do

Chiaki: I'm a straight so unfortunately I don't think I can help here?

Momoharu: Ugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Tobi is freaking out in the background because "oh no gay feelins oh no soft feelins fuck what do I do????"

His aunt: Kid, please calm down, you'll be fine.

Tobi, putting a groove in the floor with his pacing: NO I WON'T WHA' IF 'E FINDS OUT WHAT IF THIS RUINS THA TEAM DYNAMIC WHAT IF 'E 'ATES ME-

Accent go yeet when upset!

She holds him while he panics and lets him curl into her, and then makes his favorite foods and puts on a movie and cuddles with him, and once he's asleep, she calls her brother-in-law with every intent of murder because how dare you make this child feel so unloved?

Anyway, Tobi eventually comes to accept himself and his sexuality in full thanks to her, the team, and Juri. It's primarily just a thing of time and needing to have more conversations where he's open about it and accepted by people he cares about. 

Poor Sora still isn't totally comfortable with being gay? And a month or so into his third year, he comes out to Nao and later Mokichi. They make him feel much better, but the final piece is actually Tobi himself. Tobi finds Sora having a breakdown in the locker rooms and holds him to help him calm down and pushes him to talk about it, and Sora finally tells Tobi he's queer.

And Tobi, having been through this struggle before, just kind of pulls him into a hug and says, "Well, tha' makes two o' us" and Sora goes "wHAT" and Tobi tells him he's bisexual. Tobi does not pry about who made Sora realize he's queer, because it's personal and touchy, and he respects that.

That does, however, extend the mutual bullshit period.

But also: 

Sora: oH MY GOD HE'S GAY HE'S GAY HE'S GAY I'M-

Tobi: 'E's. 'E's Bi. Deep breaths deep breaths deep breaths just don' panic and ask 'im out that's a bad plan-

Tobi that's actually how you deal with romantic feelings like a functional human being but sure, go off. 

Tobi comes out to Nao and Mokichi with Sora's support shortly after that, and their reactions are, respectively: "NICE!" "Cool." and then Nao tackles Tobi in a hug that is the start of a big grouphug. 

There's lots of hugging and crying (the latter is Nao and Sora and a little bit of Mokichi), and Tobi will vehemently deny that he cried at all, but a few tears got out.

(Lbr Tobi's gay pining for Sora was Not Subtle, so they already knew, but they don't tell him that for a while. When they do tell him, he's gotten to the point where he just stares at them blankly for a moment and then groans rather than flipping out. Mokichi chuckles quietly and Nao just outright laughs at him.)

But anyway, both of these Absolute Idiots are still crushing on each other, and everyone is suffering.

Actually, scratch "crushing,” it's moved into full-blown pining now.

Sora eventually also accepts that, alright, he has a big crush on Tobi. Tobi, their ace. Tobi, one of his best friends. Tobi, one of the best wings in all of Japan. Tobi, who is ridiculously attractive. Tobi, who looks like an actual bush when he doesn't tie his hair back somehow, because his hair is insanely (and adorably) frizzy and voluminous. Tobi, who will whoop at the top of his lungs and grin like a maniac because he just pulled off a fantastic drive and double-clutch, even though he's exhausted and soaked in sweat and they're four minutes into overtime. Tobi, who makes the cutest face with the sweetest smile Sora has ever seen when he talks to his sister. (Tobi, who is a boy, and Sora has stopped caring.)

Sora even stops denying that he likes Tobi after a little bit, and Momoharu is just in the background going, "good job, it only took you two entire years to figure that out."

Sora: LEAVE. ME. ALONE.

Momoharu: Okay but have you considered: No. Absolutely not. 

Anyway Tobi mostly complains/gay rants to Nao and sometimes Mokichi, and at this point, even Juri is slightly sick of her brother talking about "our amazin' point guard." Yer not subtle, Anchan????

Except it eventually moves from "wow he's amazin' but NO I do not 'ave a crush on 'im" to "oh my God I am SO gay," and then later it moves to a more resigned gay panic. ("Nnnnnnghhhhh I nearly fuckin' kissed 'im after practice today what do I do-")

Nao is trying to bully both of them into confessing, but neither will take the first step, not because of pride, but because they're scared. (Nao is. So. Done. Even if she sympathizes, it has been two years of this bullcrap please-)

Tobi, especially, is afraid of losing everything again after his nasty stepdad booted him out.

Sora is like "that is one of my closest friends, and given this team's stability record I am Not Poking That Mess With A Long Stick."

Momoharu, who is the one he says this to, is just kinda like, "Yeah I can't really argue with that, as much I want you to confess."

Nao, later, having been subjected to a similar rant, after he said "closest friend" instead of "a dude": HE'S GROWING UP KANAME-KUN I'M TEARING UP-

Mokichi is far too tired of everything to interfere, which is fair.

Juri badgers Tobi for a solid four weeks before he admits what's really going on, and then it kind of all comes spilling out, and she encourages him to confess to Sora, but he's still reluctant.

Nao also bluntly says, "Kenji-kun's family abandoned him, Sora-kun, and it may be because he's the words ‘problem child' given physical form, but it may be because he's queer. If you want to work this out, I think you'll need to take the first step." 

(Tobi told the team about his past late first year/early second year. Crying happened and everyone basically group-tackle-hugged Tobi, and he finally got the hugs he very much needed and definitely deserved.)

And Sora angsts over that for a while until Chiaki very simply says, "Do you want things between the two of you to change?" And Sora realizes that yes, he does, he doesn't want things to stay the same, he wants to hold Tobi's hand and go on dates and call each other at weird hours for the sake of it and hold each other until they fall asleep and kiss him and -- well, you get the idea.

So he works up the courage, and it's one night some months before the national tournament when Sora asks Tobi to stay behind with him for extra practice. Sora is really nervous, and Tobi is like "??? Sure? Are ya okay?"

Sora, voice cracking: yEaH I'M FINE

Anyway, Sora misses like a solid sixty percent of his shots that practice and Tobi is. So confused.

Tobi to Mokichi: Did. Did somethin' happen.

Mokichi just shrugs, which does not make Tobi feel better.

So Tobi stays behind all the others to talk with Sora, and they're both really nervous. Obviously, Sora is about to confess, and Tobi is just so confused, and also some small part of him is going, "oh God did he figure out I like 'im????"

Nao and Mokichi kicked all the first and second years out after just an hour of individual practice, and Sora is grateful but also, "guys please don't make me confront my problems."

Nao: "Sora-kun if we waited for you to deal with this we'd be here 'till sunrise."

Mokichi, tiredly: "No, we'd be here until we turned old and gray."

Sora asks Tobi to sit with him while blushing, and Tobi complies, still very puzzled.

They make small talk for a minute, and then Sora abruptly says, "Kenji-kun... I... I think I have a crush on you".

Tobi gapes at him like a fish, opening and closing his mouth for a solid minute, and eventually, Sora.exe unfreezes and goes, "Sorry, I-" and Tobi just goes, "Fer real? Ya aren't prankin' me again?" in a surprisingly quiet voice.

And Sora is mildly offended but knows that's a fair assumption given their track record of prank wars, and he also almost wants to use the excuse Tobi has handily provided, but he just stands and goes "I'm sorry, I should leave-"

And Tobi leaps to his feet, grabs his hand, and says flat out, "Sora, I've 'ad a crush on ya since first year."

And Sora just kinda… short circuits. "Wait, really?"

Tobi just kinda rubs the back of his neck (shyly? Tobi gets shy?) and goes, "Yeah, I... I kinda only admitted it in tha middle a' second year, though."

And Sora says slowly, "You... you like me. You like me!" He laughs, relieved. "Holy shit, I was so scared you were going to reject me and it was going to ruin everything--"

And Tobi is just going oh my God, he's adorable, I can't deal with him, and takes Sora's chin in one hand and asks quietly, "Sora, can I kiss ya?" Sora's eyes, predictably, go wide, and he nods. (And please take a moment to recall and appreciate the fact that Tobi is canonically an entire foot taller than Sora. Sora is 149 cm (4'10.7) and Tobi is 178 (5'10.1). This is fantastic because I will bet actual money that this height difference has not shrunk; if anything, it has grown.)

They kiss just as the entire team bursts into the gym. Turns out, they were watching the whole thing, and honestly, none of them look that ashamed; they put up with the pair's bullshit for this long, they're invested now, and they deserved to know what happened.

"ALRIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS REVENGE FOR TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF USELESS GAY PINING," Nao yells. "KANAME-KUN, EVERYONE -- GRAB THEM!"

And the team lifts the yelling and protesting couple above their heads as Sora loudly objects and Tobi swears at them. The first years learn some creative new insults. The second and third years, on the other hand, are very accustomed to Tobi by this point, and aren't remotely surprised, but -- oh, haven't heard that one before, actually, says a second year. The others mutter assent. 

We have, Mokichi grouches. We third years have heard them all. 

Sora is small and easily hauled around, and Tobi is also pretty helpless when being held up above the heads of Mokichi and their first-year center. So they can’t really like... do anything about being dragged around.

Nao leads the team forward like an army, and they march to the pool to drop the two of them in, and when they resurface, fully clothed and soaked to the bone, Sora is laughing hysterically. (Assume Sora learned to swim at some point.)

Tobi is groaning, but he's grinning, and he swims over to the side of the pool -- and grabs Nao and Mokichi's ankles and drags them in, both of them yelling.

And Sora thinks, with Nao yelling in irritation but a sparkle in her eyes and a grin she's failing to fight off, with Mokichi laughing quietly as he flings his wet bangs out of his eyes, with Tobi laughing hysterically, his hair slicked back by water, with the four of them wearing all of their clothes and soaked to the bone, their entire team yanking off their shirts to jump into the pool with them and the moon and stars shining overhead, that he's never been happier.

And Tobi turns to him and grins, and Sora can't keep himself from jumping at Tobi -- who catches him, startled -- and kissing him again.  

And, like, hey, Tobi isn't about to complain.

They take about two months to settle into things, and then it's just like... I'm sorry, who thought letting Kurumatani "Embodiment of Chaos" and Natsume "Biggest Problem Child Ever" Kenji date was a good idea?????

It's a bit awkward for a while because they're still feeling things out and figuring out what they're both comfortable with, but then they finally click, and it's... pure fucking chaos.  

Sora will not stop stealing Tobi's clothes and Tobi is not happy about it, mostly because -- Sora, if ya keep stealin' my clothes while I am in the changin' room, then I do not 'ave clothes to wear ya stupid chibi--

Tobi has stormed into the gym shirtless at least twice yelling, "SORA! GIVE BACK MY FUCKIN' SHIRT!"

Listen. Listen we have a total of three scenes of Tobi being shirtless, and two of them were in front of plenty of people. Tobi is many things, but body shy is not one of them. He wouldn't care. 

(Post-Kitasumi loss, post-Shinjo loss, and that one scene of him dribbling in a park or something at night with an audience. The night before they played Taiei.)

Tobi: Are ya ever jus' tryin' to figure out where all yer clothes have gotten ta and then ya turn ‘round and see 'em all on yer dumbass tiny boyfriend?

Sora, clearly utterly unapologetic, wearing Tobi's sweatshirt: Oops. 

Chiaki, probably: SOME OF US ARE SINGLE STOP RUBBING IT IN.

As mentioned before, Sora is canonically 149 cm (~4'10.7), and Tobi is 178 cm (~5'10.1). There's a 29-centimeter difference, almost an entire foot, and frankly, that difference has grown a few centimeters, and you bet Tobi is going to abuse the shit out of this.

He literally holds things Sora wants over Sora's head all the time and Sora hates it. Like yes, Tobi did this before they dated too, but now Tobi is doing it more just to be annoying. It's also the only way Tobi can keep his clothes out of Sora's hands whenever they aren't on Tobi's person. (It's kind of hard to steal a shirt when someone is wearing it.) 

"THIS IS ABUSE!"

"Me holdin' m' own jacket above m' head so that ya can't steal it from me isn't abuse, it’s self-preservation! It’s like -20 degrees out there, Sora, use yer own jacket!"

I personally headcanon Tobi shooting up like a weed, but whether he did or not, he's probably between 180 and 190 now (5'11 and 6'3). Meanwhile, Sora is like maybe 155-60. It is possible that Sora also shoots up, but I feel like he would hit 165 at most. That would have him growing 16 cm, which is 8 inches, so. That's a lot of inches to grow in two and a half years. 

The things Tobi holds above his head are mostly his own clothes and also food items, plus the occasional basketball.

He also sometimes will nab Sora's clothes and hold them up in the air just to get back at him. Sora will be leaping up in the air, trying to reach his clothes, while Tobi stands there with a shit-eating grin holding Sora's shirt over his head. It looks so stupid. Nao and Mokichi both have multiple videos of it. (Nao has like five.) (What? She suffered, alright? Let her have this blackmail, at least.)

Sora: :( My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips, what should I do?

Momoharu: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.

Nao: Tackle him.

Chiaki: Dump him.

Mokichi: Kick him in the shin.

Tobi: NO TO ALL A' THOSE, JUST ASK ME TA LEAN DOWN!

Nao and Mokichi and Momoharu and Chiaki and Madoka and literally all of their friends are still giving them a hard time for being useless gays and taking two and half years to deal with their feelings even five years later. They're never going to live it down.

As adults, juggling careers and their growing relationship is hard.

They both go to universities in Tokyo, thankfully, and don't have to do long distance, and get an apartment together in their third year.

Tobi probably joins the B.League, and maybe Sora does too. (I dunno, I'm not committing to anything with career HCs.)

If they do, they have to keep their relationship secret; it would be a huge deal to be gay athletes in Japan (or... anywhere.) Most of their teammates know, though. Like... Sora regularly shows up to practice in Tobi's sweatshirts.

The sexual tension whenever they play each other is intense, though.

(My pet headcanon for Tobi is actually him going to university in America and joining the NBA. While I want to do that with Sora too, the mangaka apparently turned down two anime deals because they ended with Sora in the NBA. I haven't fact-checked that, though.)

They're around 25 when the world as a whole finds out. It either comes out because one of them is like, "hey babe do ya wanna just come out? We have enough money to retire if this goes south," "Oh sure," or because they mess up so drastically that people figure it out. After all, it would take a lot to break past the "they're such good friends!" mentality of sports reporters. Like seriously. These two are not subtle. They can let heteronormativity do most of the work for them, in all honesty. 

Anyway, it comes out, and the media goes into an uproar, and they retreat to visit Sora's dad in Nagano without telling anyone except their coaches and closest friends where they've holed up and just let the world burn while they enjoy tea and the view of the mountains and avoid social media like the plague. 

Assuming it was planned:

Tobi, the day before coming out, on his official twitter: I'll be doing a no-electronics retreat with my partner for two weeks, so I won't be on social media. Enjoy your week!

Or possibly the way he came out, besides their official announcement on Sora's account, was just "I'll be doing a no-electronics retreat with my boyfriend, @KurumataniOfficial, for the next two weeks. Bye y'all, have a good two weeks! :)" because that has Tobi's chaotic energy.

Edit: Actually? I take that back. SORA would do that. That has SORA'S chaotic energy.

When people get homophobic, all of their friends -- high school, college, adult life -- are immediately down to throw hands. 

The Japanese highschool circle of people who went professional is small and pretty close-knit, and the NBA and B.League sides are quite close to each other as well. Shiraishi and Fuwa, who are both in the NBA, both riot when people attack their old acquaintances from high school. I personally headcanon Fuwa as a raging chaotic bi, because -- hair. Yozan, for that matter, is also pretty pissed off. 

Fuwa probably gets on twitter and goes, "What's this bullshit about them being gay???? Of course they're gay. Have you ever seen them interact for more than two seconds??? Are you blind??? Wait, nope. Sorry. Don't want to insult blind people. ARE YOU ACTUALLY THAT DUMB????"

Momoharu tweets," 'Wow, imagine being so insecure in your masculinity that you can't share a changing room with a gay man' --My twin Chiaki, and Sora and Tobi's HS teammate, upon them coming out in HS" and first Sora's teammates start retweeting it and then Tobi's and then every single one of both their teams’ members retweets it. It's fantastic. 

Then Shiraishi (who, again, is in the NBA) retweets it, and it goes completely viral. Chiaki is so happy but also really pissed that it's Momoharu's account. 

Momoharu ribs him about it for a solid three weeks just to be obnoxious. 

There's actually no one on either of their teams that didn't already know about the relationship. Again, they're not subtle together. If there was any drama, it was presumably resolved by getting rid of the homophobe. 

Anyway, so while shit hits the fan, Sora and Tobi just shelter in place and their friends all react by going to war, which both of them are a bit taken aback by, but like, they aren't complaining about it. They're both touched actually.  

For marriage, honestly, neither one of them proposes in any fancy manner; they probably decided to get married because the topic comes up due to taxes. Sora goes, "Hey, do you think we should get married? The taxes would be cheaper," without really thinking about it, and Tobi goes, "Honestly, if it means everyone will stop badgerin' us about 'tyin' the knot' or whatever, I vote we elope," and that's that. Some two hours later while making dinner, Sora goes, "HOLY SHIT WAIT ARE WE ENGAGED?" and Tobi, who was reading, stares at him for three seconds, processes that, and slowly goes, "...I guess? Yeah, I guess we are. Wow. We did that." 

Sora slams his head on the table and Tobi just very tiredly says, "babe, no, ya need those brain cells." 

Assume gay marriage is by this point legal and accepted.

When asked how they got engaged, everyone is just like, "THAT'S SO ANTICLIMACTIC?????" This is also the media's reaction.

Interviewer: Why did you and Natsume-san decide to get married?

Sora, shrugging: Taxes are easier with your partner when you're married.

But they went to get rings together on their tenth anniversary shortly after deciding to get married, and if that isn't sappy as hell, I don't know what is. 

They probably don't wait long for the wedding and don't bother making it a huge thing; they invite all their friends, hire some folks to keep the media out no matter what, and hire a few people to film it and figure they can share that footage later. ("I am not havin' the media at my weddin' that is a private event for friends and family -" "Love, I am not arguing with you, I don't want them there either???")

Nao will be best woman for one of them at the wedding, and you bet she will give them so much shit for being disasters back in high school in her speech.

Juri, who by that point is like 20 something, because the disaster gays don't get married till they're at least 28 to 30, is either Tobi's best woman or playing some significant role in the wedding. She also roasts her brother and brother-in-law. 

Tobi and Juri are definitely half-siblings, just in terms of time. He looked five or six when his biodad died, and she seems about the same age, meaning there's a ten-year gap. 

Also, it's implied in the manga, so. 

The newly-weds are just sitting there groaning as their friends/family members roast them, but they're both grinning. 

The vows are probably really, really sappy, and Tobi can claim it's Sora's fault as much as he wants, but he's honestly also kind of a sap too and all his friends know it.

Tobi's stepdad is not invited. In fact, Tobi goes out of his way to send an edited version of the invitation to him that basically says, "Wedding! You're not invited!" while Sora and Juri die of laughter in the background. His mother does come, though -- she eventually moved out following the "her younger sister stormed in boiling with righteous fury on behalf of her son" incident. While the couple never got a divorce, they haven't spoken in years. 

The invitees are actually mostly friends, not family. While Sora's dad, grandma, and extended family come, Tobi's only present family are his sister, his aunt, his mother, and his biodad's brother (and the brother's wife and kids.) But they have hundreds of friends there; Nao, Mokichi, Momoharu, Chiaki, Madoka, Yasu, Chukie, Nabe, their kouhai from their second and third years, Satsuki with his wife and two kids, Shiraishi, Fuwa, Yozan, Mineta, Yakku, Nino, Tarou, both of their professional teams and all the team staff, the national team that they played with, Sakamaki, Yuka and Tomohisa’s friends, Madoka's older sister, their college teammates and classmates -- the list literally just doesn't stop. For like. Days. That guest list was the hardest part of the wedding, actually.

The symbol they use on the invitations is a dragon. Momoharu and Nao both cry when they see the nod to the Kuzuryu team. (Chiaki does not cry, he claims. Momoharu calls bullshit, and Momoharu is, for once, completely right.) 

The cake has wing patterns curving up the sides; one kite wing with a healed injury, and a duck wing in front of the silhouette of an eagle wing. ("I'm sappy, Ken, sue me." "Actually, I think that's adorable, so go ahead.") 

The healed injury was Tobi's idea, though. Sora was confused, but Tobi explained that Sora and Kuzuryu brought him back to basketball as a team sport, and healed him from the pain of being pushed away from his family. Sora cries.

The shadow of the eagle wing was also Tobi's idea. He says "I agree that yer a duck because I love ya to pieces but yer still short as shit-" "Oi." "-but I also think ya learned how to fly in yer own right. Swimmin' and duckin' be damned. Ya fly on the court, Sora." 

Sora does not cry again. He does not. ("Sure ya didn't." "SHUT UP KEN-") (He definitely teared up a little, because Tobi is looking at him with a soft smile and the most affectionate look in his eyes, and holy shit, I love him, and I'm going to marry him????

They go to Nagano and Hiroshima to visit their parents' graves after the wedding. Both of them are sappy about it. "I wish you could have met him" speeches, basically, while the other stands out of earshot.

They then proceed to screw off to Hawaii on a honeymoon for two weeks, since it's the offseason. 

Either they combine their names, or Tobi takes Sora's last name.

I feel like Tobi would, just to spite his stepdad. I'm pretty sure Natsume is his stepdad's last name, since Tobi is seen wearing a helmet that is probably his dad's in a flashback, and it has a different name on it. Might've been a company name, though. Idk.

Sora is maybe crying when they change the nameplate on their Tokyo apartment to read "Kurumatani-Natsume Sora and Kurumatani-Natsume Kenji" because "holy shit that's my fucking husband!!!!!"

And Tobi just laughs and wraps his arms around him and drags him down onto the couch to hold him, and Sora thinks that life is good. Very good. 

And if Nao and Mokichi and Momoharu and Chiaki and Madoka and Juri and crew all crash their place five seconds later, well, Sora thinks, that just makes it better. 

wow! if you made it through this entire thing i am grateful to you for reading! and lowkey impressed because this is almost 5000 words. see my Ahiru No Sora Headcanons tag for more! there is also a Sora/Nao relationship headcanons post.

[antibioware]

ah okay thank you! sorry in advance this might be long and/or kinda dumb haha but i currently identify as bisexual but i am not too sure if im okay with liking men romantically irl because so far ive only ever had crushes on fictional men or men who were unattainable to me and so far ive jsut kinda accepted i might have to marry a man so my family doesnt realize im gay and im kind of okay with that but not really and i also very much want to be a lesbian but at the same time im (first part)

(second part) still very attached to being bisexual because its been my identity since i was like 13 and i am agender so idk if that like means i cant be a lesbian also ive been on and off questioning this for like 2 or 3 years now but its just weird bc i still think i MIGHT like men? if that makes sense? sorry this is all a lot and i was too nervous to come off of anon!

It’s ok don’t worry! (and it’s ok if you don’t wanna come off anon, I understand sending a message can be stressful as shit) This is gonna get a bit long, so bear with me.

about the agender thing, I’m agender too.  If you think being nonbinary doesn’t make it possible for you to be a lesbian, it isn’t true! nonbinary is a complex experience, and doesn’t just revolve around being “neither a man nor a woman”. Gender is a spectrum, and because of it it makes experiencing your sexuality a whole mess.

In my case, I am a lesbian and it took me a lot of time to accept that I was nonbinary too. I’m “woman aligned” because I’m a lesbian, but I still feel a good deal of detachment from the way a lot of (cis) women experience their being women, and I experience gender dysphoria. I’ve had the occasion to realize, through reading Judith Butler books and talking to other wlw, that it’s a common thing for gnc gay women (including also bisexual women, it’s not an exclusive lesbian experience) to only consider themselves women because of the way they love women.

Now, I have to tell you, wanting to be a lesbian is a pretty big sign that you may be a lesbian. This, + the fact that your only attraction to men is present when it comes to fictional men or unavailable men, are both pretty big indicators! And in this case, the trick I used to come to my realization was asking myself: would I be able to maintain a relationship with a man? Can I see myself dating a man right now, beside just settling down with one in the nebulous future?

For me, the answer was no, and so I started identifying as a lesbian. Even if you experience compulsory heterosexuality, the moment you realize you wouldn’t date a man, wouldn’t pursue one romantically, can’t even picture yourself with one right that moment, you’re a lesbian.

BUT! But, I identified as bisexual for most of my teenage years, too, before realizing I was a lesbian, and I understand being attached to the identity. For a while, I thought that changing my label would make people “doubt” my autenticity as a gay person, or that I was faking it for attention. Then, I realized cishet people have no authority over my identity, and they can go fuck themselves. Changing they way you identify as is growing as a person and learning more abt yourself.

So now the question is, do you feel like you have to identify as a lesbian to validate your love for women? Or do you feel like you have to identify as bisexual because of the possible attraction you have for men? In both cases, it all comes down to you. If you want to be a lesbian, you can be! But you don’t have to force yourself into the label if you think you may still have attraction for men or if it makes you feel unsure of yourself. The only big thing about choosing one or the other is that by identifying as a lesbian, having a relationship with a man is an immediate dealbreaker. that’s it. but aside from that, the bisexual and lesbian experiences are pretty similar.

A thing I can say is that there’s not a “fixed” answer. Constant self questioning is a big part of being LGBT and it never goes away. I wake up sometimes and wonder if I’ve lied to myself this whole time and I’m actually something else entirely. You don’t have to fear questioning yourself.  I’m sending you all my love and my support for the future, and I hope this helps clear your ideas a little (thought I probably just brought more confusion, ahah) <3

[shkspr]

hey do you have any advice on figuring out your sexuality? I don't know what your experience has been but im struggling

anon, i am deeply sorry that it took me so long to answer this. it’s a combination of the fact that you can’t edit a draft of an ask on mobile (wack) and the fact that i’ve been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say (normal, i feel). anyway, this is what i’ve got, and i hope it helps.

first off, due to the nature of the things i’m discussing here, i want to state unequivocally that i am a lesbian who is open to relationships with trans women because i am attracted to women, and trans women are women. if anybody touches this post with their transmisogyny i will cast the evil eye on them. 

for what it’s worth, my experience with my own sexuality has been a long, hard process, and it’s been heavily, undeniably affected by my simultaneous journey with my gender identity, my personal identity, my childhood trauma, and my mental health. pretty much from the ages of 13 to 19 i was in a constant state of questioning everything about myself as a person. the only reason i even considered i might not be straight was bc i had friends who were not straight and i admired them. you can see how that would be confusing to a small teen who is already insecure about being a poser and a fake in every other aspect of life.

once i really examined what i was feeling, and talked it out with some of the aforementioned friends, i could admit that i wasn’t pretending, and that’s when i began identifying as bi. i wove in and out of different terminologies for a few years, burned thru several nb identities and several aspec identities, but the bottom line was that i was attracted to my own gender and other genders, and that was solid for a while.

when i was 18, i began thinking that i might be a lesbian bc, shock of shocks, i had made some very cool lesbian friends whom i admired. and i pretty much pushed that idea out of the way for a bit, telling myself it was not the truth, that i just wanted to feel special and cool, i just wanted to fit in. but then, shock of shocks again, i talked to some of my cool lesbian friends and they were very understanding and accepting and explained to me why all the reasons i thought i “couldn’t” be a lesbian were actually bullshit. 

so then i was a lesbian! and i spent a long time exploring my relationship with sex and found that i wasn’t asexual; some people are, and that’s cool! but my experience wasn’t a lack of sexual attraction or desire, it was a fear of vulnerability and a traumatic history with sexual content. i still had (or have) a complex experience with sex, and a muddy picture of gender, and a deeply flawed concept of interpersonal relationships, but i am a lesbian. and i’ve been comfortable with that for a while now, and i don’t foresee myself changing how i feel about that, but unexpected things can happen. 

and even though i’m comfortable with being a lesbian and calling myself a lesbian, there are always going to be things that give me pause. the thing is, the main way that i’ve changed and grown in this regard, is that those things don’t make me seriously question myself anymore. i’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that comphet, genderfeels, societal bias, etc etc, doesn’t make me less of a lesbian, even though it might feel like it sometimes.

that’s what it’s been like for me. my experiences are not universal, but i do happen to know that some of them are fairly common. but there’s also no right or wrong way to find yourself. there’s no rush, there’s no requirement. it is confusing and difficult more often than not, in a lot of different and scary ways. that being said, if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this post, it’s to always remember that your experiences are your own, and nobody else can decide for you what they mean or what to do with them.

it’s like this: you know when people say “everyone’s a little bit bisexual”? that’s not true, obviously. but i think there’s a truth hidden underneath it, and i think it’s a common experience that erroneously leads some people to that belief. no matter how you identify, there is almost always going to be something - compulsory heterosexuality, personal trauma that makes sex or romance uncomfortable, past relationships, one (1) very attractive man, whatever it is - that makes you think you’re wrong. even if you know you’re right. there’s always going to be something that could at any moment cause you to stop and think: wait, am i lying to myself?

and some people are not as vulnerable to those thoughts! some people go thru their daily lives and very rarely, if ever, consciously question their sexuality or their perception or performance of it. but other people are more susceptible to the thought spirals and the self-doubt and the confusion, and society at large feeds that and feeds upon it. for every lesbian you meet, there’s seven people giving twelve different reasons why they can’t be a “real” lesbian. for every bisexual person you meet, there’s a handful of thinkpieces about bisexuality that contradict their experiences. and so on and so forth. and that’s enough to cause a lot of indecision and anxiety.

but it’s also very freeing to take that thought and follow it to its necessary conclusion: that nobody on earth can tell you what your sexuality is. sure, if you’re a woman who feels genuine attraction to men and wants to pursue sex or relationships with them, you’re not a lesbian. that’s just because words have meanings. but you get to decide what “genuine attraction” is to you, and you get to decide whether you’re comfortable pursuing those relationships. and that’s just one example; the same logic applies broadly.

the bottom line is really that agonizing over labels and definitions just means you miss the forest for the trees. in a practical sense, in real life, who would you want to date, marry, kiss, have sex with, etc.? without thinking about what you should do, what you should want, what you’d be able to do if you had to, what you did last week, internet discourse, a dream you had when you were 12, whatever, none of it is relevant except insofar as it informs your current feelings on the matter. you’re not obligated to choose a label, and if you want one then there’s no deadline to pick one, and once you do you’re not locked into an identity for life.

which is all to say that no, not everybody is a little bit bisexual, but nobody is 100% anything, in this or any other facet of life. and that doesn’t mean that people’s sexualities aren’t valid; they are valid, but they aren’t objective or concrete in the way we would often like them to be. they’re helpful labels for explaining something that is actually unfathomably complicated. so whatever you do, whatever you decide: you don’t need to be sure, you don’t need to be right, you don’t need to be a certain kind of person, you don’t need to be anything in particular. you just need to be comfortable. 

[calypsolemon]

reconciling the past with my demisexuality - crossposted from twitter

original thread here

(image is a screenshot of my twitter which reads: “I was going to make an art for #AceWeek but honestly, I'm way too low on energy. So I'm just gonna talk about it instead: This year I discovered I wasn't just ace, but demisexual. and it's been a little wild feeling emotions I've literally never felt my whole life-”)

“I feel like I suddenly understand a lot of feelings allos have expressed that were absolute nonsense to me before. At the same time, there's still a lot of things I feel like I will still never "get", like being attracted to someone you've never even talked to before lol. 

“But furthermore, it's played a little hell while trying to reconcile this new information with experiences from my past, specifically when I look back at my childhood/teenage fears surrounding future relationships and sex. 

“I have vivid memories of stressing over my future relationships as a teen. I knew I always wanted to have a partner eventually - I stressed at the thought of being lonley - but I assumed I was locked in to being the girlfriend (and eventual wife) of a cis heterosexual man. 

“I also assumed that sex was the great consummator of relationships. I was aware I didn't feel attraction in that way, even as early as 13/14, and I was terrified I would end up in a relationship with someone I really loved, but they wouldn't believe I loved them back, bc of that.

“like some sort of catch 22, the thought of a partner who wouldn't find my lack of sexual attraction abhorrent didn't even cross my mind. My only two options seemed to resign myself to being single, or lie about my discomfort and let partners think I liked sex when I didn't.

“since the latter part absolutely terrified me, I tended towards the former. Which really, wasn't very hard at the time. There weren't exactly a lot of men around me that I wanted to date, and my family didn't exactly want me to be interacting with boys at my age anyways.

“but I still felt the ever-looming pressure that I would have to date *eventually*. That I could only hide behind maturity and focus on school and keeping myself for jesus for so long before people would go from respecting my decision, to judging it.

“I was really lucky to have discovered the term asexual so early, to be honest. It felt like someone reached straight into my anxious thoughts and yanked me out, and told me I didn't have to live with those dreaded expectations anymore. That I could just live for myself.

“It was so reassuring, that for the next six years of my life, one of the only identity labels that stayed consistent throughout my queer self-discovery was, asexual. And there was really no reason to change that. Up until this year.

“I should clarify, discovering my demisexuality hasn't been a bad experience. If anything, it was just sort of an "oh, alright" moment. I kind of just... realized that I felt completely differently towards the person I was with now, than any other person I had ever been with.

“And I'm pretty much ok with that. At this point in my life, I'm secure enough in my identity that a little change hasn't rocked the boat too much. And my partner is literally the most understanding and patient person I've ever met when it comes to these matters, which helps ; ;

“but i occasionally find myself looking back at the teenage version of myself, who was terrified of this sort of outcome. Who wanted more than anything to escape the idea of having to sexually engage with a romantic partner. Am I betraying them?

“I like to think not. there's a lot of factors at play here that I couldn't even imagine back then. Like me being nonbinary, and dating a queer partner. Or my partner being perfectly ok with my asexuality before I even realized I was demi at all.

“I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter too much what I felt back then, since that person is gone, and I'm existing as I am now, and I'm happy. It's not even like I've entirely dropped the ace label (im effectively ace in every other aspect of my life after all)

“...I guess I really just wanted to share my experience with asexuality growing up before the week was over, and talk a bit about my demisexual experience now, since its new to me, and I think these stories are important to share.” 

an important thread for ace week that I didn’t want to just leave on twitter. I decided against just screenshotting it all because I’d have to caption it anyways, and the formatting would be hell. I hope its useful or interesting for somebody.

[humankoalaa]

representation?

this is strictly about wlw couples. i don’t want to alienate mlm couples but im going to simply because this is what my beef is at the moment.

one of my biggest issues with queer women who cry representation are the ones who don’t support representation when we get it because it’s not the representation that fits their narrative.

so many times we have these wlw couples who are completely ignored for reasons that are sad to admit. it’s so frustrating because there are beautiful stories being told or developing and before we can even get to the meat of a “ship” the shows are cancelled, the characters are killed off, put on the back burner or the same recycled played out story is told even worse than the last.

when that happens those same people crying for representation want to cry trope or they deserved better etc etc. why only then? why show “support” or act like you cared when in reality you contributed to literally shunning a couple but now that it’s another queer couple that is no more now you’re upset?

then we have the ones who ship straight women together whilst there is a wlw couple on the show.

supercorp is the perfect example. sanvers was the typical trope storyline but it was like well this is probably as good as it’s gonna get when it’s a cw show. still people trashed sanvers for everything but cried about supercorp “not happening” or writers are baiting lesbians. no.. they’re not. it isn’t the writers fault that the audience feels supercorp should happen. at the end of the day it was never put out there that kara and lena would happen.

the saddest part about this is queer women were more upset about two straight women who are written as friends not being a couple than the actual wlw couple who literally got treated poorly.

sanvers was representation as terrible as they were written SOME of our stories were still in there somewhat. the actors playing those roles cared more about our community than a lot of queer women did. so is it representation that you really want or only when it’s convenient? because representation definitely is not forcing showrunners to put two straight women together for no reason other than to shut people up.

as a lesbian that isn’t the type of story that i would want as a way for people to understand our struggles. do straight women fall in love with each other? probably. so to each their own if that’s the kind of representation you’re looking for but it’s just sad when there are actual wlw couples on shows and queer women choose to be unsupportive for the pettiest reasons.

onto the color aspect. for years and even now i hate ever using color race or anything outside of facts to form an argument. but it’s so hard to not stoop to that level because it’s so obvious. interracial wlw couples are constantly ignored and i mean i don’t even think it’s intentional or think that queer women realize they do it but then on the other hand it is and they do.

too many times we have women of color who don’t care for wlw couples if the woman of color isn’t with a woman of color and too many times caucasian women who do the same. why is that? i personally just don’t understand it. i have heard people that i am ashamed to have been friends with now actually recently a “friend” of mine said she can’t support thundergrace because anissa isn’t with a black woman.

i literally asked her what that has to do with anything and her answer... representation. i laughed and said this is why it’s okay for showrunners to not give a shit about representation. this is why it’s okay for showrunners to use the community by baiting gays into watching their shows because it’s not about representation. it’s about literally that glimmer of hope that your fave might end up with someone that you feel represents you when it’s so much bigger than you. and she called me a sell out 🤣 why? cause apparently im “shaming black women”. needless to say we are no longer friends because she didn’t want to associate with a sellout.

i understand wanting to see yourself representated through a character or couple etc. but it can be done without people of the same color and background being together. at the end of the day it has been done. couples of all sorts. but the issue here is blatant disregard of a couple for reasons like well whites should be with whitesand blacks should be with blacks or another woman of color.

if you do that it alienates other members of the community who are in an interracial relationship or maybe a lesbian dating a bisexual or bisexual dating a transsexual, pansexual, asexual the list goes on. when people live inside this box where it’s only about the representation that they care about or want to see they’re no better than the people who don’t give a damn about our stories and the representation we’re fighting for.

it isn’t about you. it’s about the members in our community. it’s about all of our stories. whether you can relate or not because you don’t identify as whatever or find whoever attractive okay that’s fine. but don’t cry representation if you’re only crying because it’s not the representation that you want to see.

at the end of the day if we don’t care enough about each other, our stories and our commmunitiy outside of ourselves then we are contributing to a world that doesn’t care if our stories are told or how they’re told. it is entertainment of course but we still deserve to be portrayed in media just like heterosexuals are.

it starts with us. we can’t expect showrunners or writers to get it right when they don’t live this life. we can’t expect them to care when we’re complaining about straight women or being together because “they have chemistry”. that isn’t the point. the point is if we want representation, we need to show that by supporting wlw couples and pushing for these wlw couples stories to develop the characters to develop outside relationships as well. it’s hard cause most shows just don’t care but at least we’re putting it out there in hopes that someone else may see it and understand why this is so important to us as queer women. there’s so much more i want to say but this is long enough already.

idk i just wish it was simple which it is but obviously not for others.

[apostitudes]

morrigan goes through a lot of compulsive heterosexuality over the course of origins and still hasn't really cleared up her muddled feelings towards sexuality and how she views women by the time inquisition comes around.

aka me just spewing shit i feel abt lesbian morrigan in no coherent order. stashed under a cut for fairly liberal sex talk, though not explicit. plus, its so much longer than i thought itd be im so sorry

anyways, comphet morri. like, a lot of her comments allude to her just... not being very fond of men in general. she makes sweeping generalizations of men typical to women who experience comphet—viewing them as pathetic, easily-frightened, and only interested in submissive, alluring women (we all remember the "men only want to believe two things about women" speech) and she admires women with strong resolve (though her definition of such is typically self-interested, which is why wynne and leliana don't get the hero of ferelden treatment).

i don't really think she sees sex as anything other than a chore—she'll fuck a non-romanced hof/alistair/loghain for the sake of the ritual. it’s actually super easy for her to tolerate the idea of having sex with alistair or loghain BECAUSE they don’t like her. no strings attached (minus kieran, but ogbaby is why she’s doing this, right?). 

actually her whole... romance with the hero really cements the whole thing, tbh. for starters, the hero is the ONLY man in the group who is a) nice to her (unlike alistair) and b) not so forward with his intentions so as to set her off (unlike oghren and zevran, who does make passes at her). naturally, this translates into “he’s nice to me, men and women can’t be friends, ergo i am romantically attached to this man”. once a romanced hof has sex with her and starts attempting to call their relationship a genuine romance, she actually grows more distant. morrigan is half right when she says “oh, this is passion, the respect between equals” instead of love. minus the part where her friendship dialogue is infinitely more touching than anything going on in her romance scenes, do not @ me.

for the record, yes i am deliberately ignoring witch hunt because as far as im concerned she would have allowed anyone on friendly terms with her to go through the eluvian, romanced or not. the dlc was pretty much just to make up for the fact that morrigan didn’t leave you a note in awakening. change my mind (but dont ill cry)

her feelings toward het relations has a little bit to do with her upbringing—morrigan makes specific mention of flemeth bringing multiple men into her home, but nothing of women. anything she might have read in books would have been heteronormative, given thedas’ whole Thing (i see you, inquisitor “but we’re two women!” lastname). and she’s not close to leliana or zevran, so she doesn’t ever really get the chance to explore the idea of being attracted to someone of the same gender. as far as she’s aware, the concept doesn’t exist.

misc thoughts i’m putting here: morrigan’s advances on sten are made on sten specifically because sten is very much unavailable to her. she flirts with sten until he “reciprocates” and threatens her, then drops the matter like a hot potato. morrigan absolutely sees leliana with a male warden and thinks that she is so very much out of her league, although comphet brain translates that into “she likes attractive man, therefore you must pick a fight with her”. morrigan vc oh my fucking GOD i had a crush on leliana.

this changes sometime after morrigan gets settled into her study at halamshiral. not necessarily because of celene, rather the fact that she’s more traveled now than she was living in the korcari wilds. she kind of Gets that she likes women, but she’s never had to think about it beyond “yeah i do this sometimes”.

while i label morrigan as a lesbian i don’t think she’s at the point where she can Comfortably label herself as a lesbian, because a) “i had a child and the sex was kind of good, therefore i am not a lesbian” and b) “i have not had a relationship with a woman despite being in my thirties and therefore my attraction is invalid”. she wouldn’t label herself as bisexual either, it’s mostly her swinging wildly between labels out of fear. she doesn’t necessarily WANT to be straight bc there’s no reason for her to, but she doesn’t have a good grasp on her feelings and that irks her so she hasn’t and probably won’t have that conversation with herself.

tldr; she needs a fuckin girlfriend

[secretrhys]

🌟 gaydar 🌟

💗 Do you ever... just get that feeling? That someone on the internet or someone you know personally, is just not straight? 💗

⭐ Like, at first you might not have been sure. Internally debating it, back and forth, until you came to a conclusion. ⭐

💙 They don't have to be a flaming homosexual or anything, literally just that they're not quite fully heterosexual. 💙

⭐ There's a musician(???) on YouTube and even though he has never labelled his sexual orientation and has never mentioned being sexually attracted to men (as far as I know) I just get this feeling that he's not letting everything on. Which is totally fine, it's none of the internet's business, but I'm still curious. Edit: So, after some more digging on this musician, I've found livestreams where he says, "Personally, I'm straight," a few times, which would be fine if it weren't for the fact that later on in another livestream he said he would date a boy. Buddy, make up your mind.⭐

💗 Maybe it's the fact that he's probably the most affectionate person I've ever seen. Him and his group of friends (of about 4 more) are the cuddliest group of boys I've ever seen, while still being over-energized and wild. 💗

⭐ Cheek kisses, genuine compliments, cuddles, hand holding, and sleeping in the same bed were all commonplace in and amongst these boys. And every so often, him and his male friends used to even kiss on the lips. And not just because of some stupid dare. But they still also wrestle, prank and jokingly insult each other, like boys do aged 19 - 25. ⭐

💙 So, anyway, if I'm going by affection shown, then all of them would be gay. Which, I don't think they are. Maybe more than one is not heterosexual. I don't think I'd be surprised, but there's just one of them that sticks out and I can't bring myself to believe that he is straight. 💙

⭐ I think it might be something to do with the way he acts and the way he dresses. Which, while I highly dislike conforming to stereotypes, sometimes stereotypes have roots of truth. Like a repeated joke. ⭐

💗 He doesn't wear the typical stuff that his friends wear. There's just something different about it, I can't quite describe it. He also paints his nails on the regular. (Props to him, because im a girl and i don't bother.) 💗

⭐ He has mentioned having a long term ex-girlfriend, so I don't think he's pure gayness, but the casual touches and casual lip kisses that he initiates and his view of the world to me suggest maybe pansexual. ⭐

💙 He's so caring and moralistic and sweet, too. Nothing to do with his sexuality, but I just thought I should mention it. 💙

⭐ Also, he's hardcore shipped with one of his (male) friends and they've kissed a lot and hug often and both sides of the ship have said that it's real and there is things to suggest that they're not just messing around, but there are other things that indicates it's all just fan service, which is internally stressful for me, because I don't know what to believe. ⭐

💗 I'd love to believe it's real, but until I see a marriage to each other, I need to not get my hopes up and just assume that it's all fan service. :( 💗

(🎶 but it's none of our business anyway, so I won't mention his name~ 🎶)