#but at the same time i have all this like. internalized guilt and shame. bc society hates us lol

[angelsdean]

thinking abt this ask some more and well, it also all boils down to dean is not john because dean is not john.

dean is his own person with different life experiences and trauma and morals and agency. yes dean learned and internalized some things from john, and learned to filter most of his emotions into anger bc anger was a safer emotion to express under john's roof than fear or sadness.

but dean literally IS NOT john. he's dean. and crucially he is a victim of john, who was Thee angry man in the house. john is the first person he learned pain and shame and anger and self-hatred from. and dean has not been able to properly unpack or cope with those early experiences or any of the other traumatic events that follow. for nearly 40 years. PLUS 40 years of hell trauma. and still !! still !! dean tries to do better. he apologizes and he expresses his regret for past actions and even his worst actions are rooted in love and a need to protect. he most often acts out of fear, worry, and/or grief. as cas said, the good and the bad, everything he has done has been for love. he fears jack and is angry at jack during widowers arc because he loved cas so much and does not yet know jack is good and can be trusted. his reaction is understandable. we as the audience see and receive more information than the characters. dean has every right to be fearful and wary.

but anyways. back to dean and john. widower's arc IS meant to draw that parallel between them. we're supposed to see dean echoing john. we're supposed to feel john's ghost acting through dean. but we are also meant to see where they diverge. dean does not become obsessed with revenge. he does not go on a quest to get cas back (despite how much he wants him back) and abandon everyone else. he even starts to come around to jack, even before cas gets back.

then, there's john and his own complicated trauma. and i do feel some empathy and sadness for him. but his trauma is notably different from dean's, and that's why dean garners more of my empathy, compassion, and forgiveness.

john felt abandoned after his father's disappearance and then internalizes those abandonment issues and those unresolved feelings fester into anger. then john enlists illegally in the military chasing his father's ghost. in the military he experiences more trauma. but he did choose to go into the military. it's different from dean being forced to be a soldier and weapon for his father from a young age. john was 17 ? when he enlisted and did so of his own free will (as much free will as you can have being one of chuck's blorbos but still, you get what i'm saying), while dean never had a choice, and by the time he had the choice to leave he'd already been guilt tripped into staying by john and also had very few connections outside of the winchester family unit. IF dean were to leave john (after sam left) he'd be largely alone because john never let them forge connections and relationships. john purposely kept them isolated from others, which is a tactic of abuse. finally, john loses mary which exacerbates his preexisting issues, anger, and trauma. losing mary was not the catalyst that turned john "bad" it was just an accelerator added to the fire that had been slow-burning for years.

so yes, both john and dean have abandonment issues regarding their fathers, except john's are based on a perceived abandonment that he lets become a deep anger and propel his actions re: joining the military. whereas dean is literally abandoned and neglected repeatedly and often throughout his childhood which leads to a lot of unresolved fear and anxiety regarding losing people and people leaving him. cas dying during widower's arc and losing mary at the same time too (and crowley!) definitely triggers those deep seated fears and anxieties. dean also just as trauma surrounding death bc of mary. dean, like john, also has trauma surrounding being a soldier and having to kill people. however, john chose that path (and then later chose hunting) while dean had that life thrust upon him. (the first time he's handed a gun he is six years old and his father believes he somehow has a "killer instinct"). finally, dean, like john, loses cas who is yes mary-coded during widower's arc and he is left with a child. however, unlike john, this child is also an extremely powerful being whom dean knows nothing about except the fact that he is the biological son of lucifer. he also believes jack manipulated cas and got him killed. people will parallel jack to sam in this instance but john likely had no idea sam was infected with demon blood until much later after years of research and following azazel's trail. so early on, john's neglect and mistreatment of sam and dean cannot be blamed on john being afraid of sam or something like that. john IS afraid of the world though. he's paranoid as all heck and that fuels a lot of his actions. but dean is not wrong in this case for being wary of jack. he has every right to be afraid, it's just that his fear, coupled with grief, ends up being expressed as anger. the same may be true for john in those early years, but eventually, john lets his anger and need for vengeance consume him and he prioritizes the hunt over his children. as he says in 1x22, "killing this demon comes first. before everything." dean wants cas and mary and crowley back, but he doesn't put it before everything. he doesn't turn away from sam or jack to pursue that quest.

dean is not john because dean is dean. he doesn't see the world as black and white as john did. he still has fears and trauma that when triggered have him reverting to old, ingrained habits, but most often, he wants to do good and help people. he cares about his family and wants them to be safe and alive. sometimes he will go to extremes to make sure that happens. but his actions are always rooted in love and care. cas saw him as a being of love. as more than what john tried to make him. more than a blunt instrument. more than a weapon for heaven and hell. more than chuck's favorite toy. dean is dean. and that's why cas loves him. and that's why *i* love him.

[mutable-manifestation]

"So he pasted on a stoic expression and gave a simple "No.""

Here's where we differentiated because I shifted to Damian's POV and kinda forced the matter. So we could Get Damian's perspective on Danny's cover." After that was the stuff I couldn't figure out because of this spot right here! Danny's answer had to be "no" the misunderstanding doesn't sink as well if it doesn't.

The memory of tests, the pre-established no-codewords *chef's kiss* because it is always going to be safer for Danny to make contact in some other way. With invisibility and intangiblity even more so.

Closing the box cutter like that, perfect. Danny knows better than to attempt to rival Damian, especially when he's under the assumption that Damian is still acting heir. Oof I can't think of any reason getting called back wouldn't spell trouble.

I love the slight implication with the evil billionaires list and tuckers unspoken question, to me it reads like Lex has also tried to clone Phantom. Which I don't think was intended but, it tracks! He totally would!

Tim's questions, Danny looking to Damian for orders. Yes. Just yes, perfection, right there in front of my face but the question didn't even occur to me. Wonderful.

Everything that follows, YOUR TAGS they look like my notes we were on the same wavelength I swear!

Do you have plans to keep going with this? Can we collab if you do?

See I couldn't bring myself to use the Damian POV because in my mind his internal dialogue would just be. Static.

Like, yes, he's a highly trained assassin. And idk too much about batman timeline but I've seen stuff about how he's had character growth and gotten better about things over time. If he came to them at 10 and he's 16 now, that's 6 years for his personal growth. Learning to care about people again.

But outside of missions the batfam are all hot garbage and personal interaction, and I imagine Damian's had enough growth by this point to get to the "people matter to me as more than murder tools/mission tolls" idea, but without any of the understanding of how to deal without a given context.

And with Danny, the context has always been "avoid/ignore."

Danny isn't a classmate. He isn't one of his adopted brothers that he has learned how to squabble/get along with over time. And, most of all, whatever Danny might believe, he is not a League member. Which leaves Damian with no framework for how to deal with him.

Damian had/has a hard enough time getting over his League training, how does he help Danny get over his? Especially when 10 years of it would have been training he did to himself.

How does he interact with someone he was raised to hold at arms-length^2?

So I figured doing his POV would be too difficult because I couldn't think of much beyond static, panicked rambling, and several mock-conversations on how to break it to Danny that the League is gone without him going off on a suicide mission against the coup-people.

Which is kind of a shame, because you could fit a lot of angst in ala grief for Danny's seemingly emotionless state and guilt for forgetting him (which, not Damian's fault the League just sucks, but people don't stop blaming themselves for things just because they know they don't need to. Emotions be cray).

"Oof I can't think of any reason getting called back wouldn't spell trouble"

idk why but this made me think of an AU version where Damian intercepted the letter but the League actually was calling Danny back at the time (no coup), so they try to find him in Nanda Parbat only to find the (fake) dead body to the resulting tune of: Batfam Grief Rampage Time (TM). Except the League called him back because they found out what he was leaving out of his reports (about the portal & tech, not about him being a halfa) so when the batfam go to Amity to talk to the Fenton's about their "dead" son Amity is walled off w/an anti-liminal shield & armed to the teeth waiting for assassins (bc u know the whole town is in danger of being conscripted after bathing in portal radiation for so long. Call that "League of Assassins Park" at that point - sans the whole cult aspect. Unless u count the Phantom Phans).

"I love the slight implication with the evil billionaires list and tuckers unspoken question, to me it reads like Lex has also tried to clone Phantom. Which I don't think was intended but, it tracks! He totally would!"

You know that really wasn't the implication I was going for, but I could totally see Lex trying to clone Phantom. Maybe he heard about the whole overshadowing thing and was like "yo loyal clone to control the actual superman is way better than a second superman that could (did) go rogue! And this one can even be a (former) human!!!"

"Tim's questions, Danny looking to Damian for orders. Yes. Just yes, perfection, right there in front of my face but the question didn't even occur to me. Wonderful."

Am basking in the positive feedback like a lizard in the sun thanks ☀️🦎🥰 

"Do you have plans to keep going with this? Can we collab if you do?"

I thought about making a follow-up, but the stuff others tagged on kinda satisfied the brain itch for me.

But! I could totally see this turning into a fully fleshed-out fic, and I think I'd enjoy writing for it, so if you want to make it happen I'd be happy to collab :)

[bisolationist]

Alr so im the confused anon lol.

Idk where to start with this tbh.

The only thing i feel is guilt and shame.

Like i feel guilty because i feel like im not allowed to struggle with my sexualjty. People, even people in LGB spaces, say that women fake being bi for attention, for kweer points, for male gaze etc etc..

So like I feel I'm not allowed to struggle with my sexuality sinec it's seen as something desirable by people like it's smth people want.

And also I'm not even sure If I'm bi and like people say oh everyone's a little bit bi, oh it's normal for girls to Kiss bla bla. And I'm scared to liek mention my doubts out loud bc then other women will take it as an opportunity to be like ha see bi women just call themselves bi for attention but won't eat pussy or whatever.

So like I don't want you to think I'm like trying to make bi people look bad.

I just like idk I'm just so fuxkinf confused. When I was a kid I genuinely thought like here's the thing for me I thought liking men and women was the default I didn't know other people felt differently.

But at the same time I find myself like leaning more towards a relationship with men. Let me just preface this by saying that I spent the first 18 Years of my life in a country where being gay is illegal (no im not saying gay is bi im just saying being attracted to the same sex is illegal) so jts just really fucking hard for me to see myself having a relationship w a woman that is not friendship

And like I just feel like a creepy monster whenever I find aw woman attractive. Idk I just feel guilty.

There's so many other things I wanna say but I'm scared other people on here will use my doubts as ammo against bi people.

I just honestly genuinely wish I was a normal girl with 0 doubts and no conflicting feelings about my sexuality. I don't wanna be like this. I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel I feel so much shame but then I feel like im overreacting at the same time

So, I get a lot of anons dealing with guilt or shame. It's something I see expressed constantly about bisexuality. And I get it, I do. But on a personal level, I don't know what to say, because I never experienced this personally. I never experienced guilt much less shame for being same-sex attracted, and although it was hard when discovered I was bi and not gay, even then those emotions weren't in play. That doesn't mean I didn't experience people trying to shame me, but that's different. That's external. It never took root inside of me.

I'm not saying this as a brag or anything. I'm just trying to acknowledge it's not part of MY experience, so I can only give advice that's from an external point of view.

I guess this does get to my thoughts though. Just because you feel shame doesn't mean you're right to. Just because people shame you doesn't mean they're right to.

People saying that women are bi for attention, for for the male gaze, or because they're greedy, etc. aren't justified and in fact they are examples of how people have prejudice against bisexuals. I know it's hard but there's no reason to internalize the hatred of others.

In terms of you feeling like you can't struggle with your sexuality, well, of course you are. That's a personal journey everyone of all orientations is entitled to if that's what's happening to them. You are struggling - what sense does it make to tell you you can't? Even heterosexuals are entitled to struggle with aspects of their sexuality they can't get around.

Furthermore, there's no reality in which bisexuality is actually desired. Bisexuality in women is fetishized, and bisexuality in general is used as a ploy/cover by homophobes - TRAs and conversion therapists. But if you actually look at the actions of those groups and how they treat bisexuals you can see bisexuality is not actually respected or treated well, much less actually desired. It's only a rhetorical device they are willing to use against homosexual people in their goal of forcing heterosexuality upon everyone. Even outside of that, bisexuality is not desired anywhere. Where are bisexuals wanted and encouraged? Most homosexual people want other homosexuals only; most heterosexuals actively hate bisexuals (and again, fetishization does not count as desire). And that can be a hard pill to swallow on its own, and I think that's WHY guilt and shame are so prevalent among bisexual people. Because whatever messages are out there, we don't understand we're not wanted - I don't think it's a coincidence you feel like you want to be "normal".

People that say "everyone is a little bit bi" are homophobes and also wrong. Most people are not a little bit bi and do not experience any bit of same-sex attraction. Homosexuals do not experience other-sex attraction. People say this with their own agendas but its not true.

"And like I just feel like a creepy monster whenever I find aw woman attractive. Idk I just feel guilty." this is a very common feeling for both bisexual people and homosexual people. We are made to feel predatory and wrong in our same-sex attraction, but of course that itself is incalculated by homophobia, and if you grew up in a very homophobic country then it's not at all surprising this might be rooted pretty firmly within you.

I unfortunately can't say magic words that will make everything better. Shame and cultural indoctrination are like being tangled in barbed wire, and you have to do the job of pulling it off yourself, bit by bit. The important bits are learning that A) it's there and B) it doesn't have to be and you don't deserve it.

[ahgasegotarmy116]

um thats kinda fvcked up if you think about it (im talking about oc acting like she’s this innocent person who had no choice when a)she had and b) could’ve told her husband to have another solution or idk that they should escape lol i can’t think of another reason rn but still i hope you get what i mean) i feel like she‘s 45% right (bc cmon she’s being pushed in a corner with all of this) but the other 55% she’s wrong because he is right that’s his children he has all the right to see them and be there for them doesn’t matter why he is the father she is kinda the same as him bc how do you lie to your children and deprive them of their real father knowing they‘ll hate you later on for that and your doing that bc of what? guilt? shame? insecurities? that means she’s selfish and doesn’t think about the children first cause children should be priority not the other way around. so yeah i don’t like how she raises her voice or disrespects him thinking she’s doing an amazing job or she’s this intimidating person likeeeeeeeee girrrrrrl weren’t you the one who slept with him orrrrrr did his d!ck accidently slip right in idk she should let us know ….🤭😭💀

thank you regardless for the story you’re really talented and the story is really cool and idk makes me curious about the new chapters (if it has one) 😼💛

I definitely get what you're saying and I did write a drabble talking about some of the things you had mentioned a little bit more as well as a few comments talking about their short lived IVF journey so you can check that out here if you haven't read it already :)

The whole situation is fvcked that's for sure and she ultimately was the one who had the choice to do this or not at the end of the day but ever since Jungkook had first brought it up he had stated that he would keep it a secret and make it seem as though the children were his son's and not his to make their problems "go away".

She does feel a lot of guilt in this situation internally but with Jungkook's pushy nature and the fact that he is choosing to blackmail her as often as he can has really driven her to take all of the pent up stress, frustration and guilt that she has aimed towards herself already and has turned it into outwardly putting all the blame on him.

He in a sense does have some sort of right to see his children but oc was under the impression that their deal would work differently from the way he had propositioned her so there was a lot of miscommunication on both parties since she gave in right away.

It's not like he doesn't see his children because he does, she just doesn't feel comfortable when he comes around without another adult around to act as some sort of buffer.

He had indirectly agreed to the role of their grandfather so he is still given the chance to be in their life and she acknowledges that he is entitled to that so she doesn't deprive them of seeing their father he just doesn't play that father role for them.

He purposefully sends his son on business trips so he can be granted that alone time to see his children in a less restrained environment but again who would want the person who is blackmailing you to come around without supervision to keep him as well as yourself in check.

His marriage with his son's mom has deteriorated into one that is simply there to keep up appearances so Jungkook used to have a mistress but once he had been with oc he gave up on her. So he actively seeks oc out to fulfill those needs.

He's been blackmailing her and holding this over her head since their daughter was two so this has been going on for years. With this yandere concept although it seems like she has fight left in her when it comes to him she gives in way too easily because of the mind games he plays with her when they're alone.

Jungkook disrespects her on a daily basis so I don't think that she should have to take that disrespect without defending herself so although her responses may not be well thought out and ultimately leads back to putting the blame on him his blame and the use of blackmail outweighs her mistakes.

Like you said she has been pushed into a corner and is scared that the house of cards (hehe) that they have built on lies and betrayal will come crashing down if she doesn't do what Jungkook says.

She doesn't want to lose her husband or her children so although this whole situation is fucked she loves them with her whole heart so that's an emotional vulnerability that Jungkook play's like a fiddle.

She knows she's not the mother of the year but she's trying her best given the situation she's gotten herself into. She knows that she's done wrong and continues to do wrong and hurt her family without their knowledge but she's not sure what else she can do.

Given the circumstances she wants to raise them and have them think that her husband is their father and it's fucked but for her children's sake and the want to raise them in a stable, "healthy" household she sees that sticking to the original plan of making them believe that he is their father is for the best.

Their children are still young so it's a concept that they wouldn't understand even if you told it to them so although they might hate her for it (because they will find out when they're a lot older) at least they weren't raised by Jungkook.

I have a drabble coming out later addressing some of these questions so keep an eye out for that I just haven't finished it yet 😅

Thank you so much for taking an interest in it enough to send this! Ahhh thank you for saying I'm talented 😭 I've still got a long way to go but I'm happy that people are taking time out of their day to read it 😭

There are a lot of unanswered questions so who knows, I might have to make a second series 😉

[c0rpseductor]

i realize im preaching to the choir here but it is extremely bold of the autogynephilia guy to insist that the VAST MAJORITY of adult trans women are, like, outright lying about their own experiences based on his having sorted them into arbitrary, unscientific categories AS A STRANGER. extremely fucking deranged

also obviously speaking on a more personal level the proposed "autohomoerotic" type of trans guy is so fucking infuriating to me. it's like, obviously that's going to be the explanation for gay trans men this idiot comes up with because of the view that being gay is "feminine male" behavior, so how do you victor victoria around that if your understanding of how gender and sexuality interact is from the stone age? Well Clearly It's A Total Separate Other Thing.

it's obviously a talking point every gay trans man on earth has heard at least once, like "you're trans because you're interested in pretending to be a gay man" rather than like. the actual situation. you know. i'm very tired i feel like garbage bc it's a bad migraine brain day but like it just frustrates me bc like...i mean clearly it's cruel and uncharitable and transphobic.

my own experience is that i grew up experiencing a lot of "typical" markers of dysphoria and preferring to be seen as a boy or at least "not a girl" and wanting to hang out with other boys and puberty sucking etc etc you have certainly heard the narrative people trot out and i did fit a number of those points. but it was difficult for me to pin down how i felt and who i actually felt i was without also wrangling the fact that i was struggling with a lot of internalized homophobia. growing up even before consciously understanding myself as male i felt a lot of guilt about being interested in guys and felt it was "wrong." for a good number of years i attempted to transform "i guess girls are pretty" into "i'm DEFINITELY attracted to women, a very socially acceptable thing for a man!" while also trying to deny being trans, which resulted in this really absurd attempt to convince myself i was An Lesbian despite having genuinely no fucking interest in women whatsoever beyond liking their clothes. ("slay bitch!" is not actually attraction to women, but try telling 19 year old lestat that, he will not agree.) and, of course, i absorbed a lot of surface level feminist talking points about how Bad And Yucky men are that made me feel that it would be, like...misogynist to not be a woman.

so i did have to reconcile all those things at once, but ESPECIALLY the fact that i was attracted to men to finally, like, be ready to just call myself a trans man. it was finally realizing that despite my shame about it growing up and the feeling that it was "bad" or "wrong" or "not feminist" (????) (my internalized homophobia was weird sometimes) i did like men, but only if they'd also treat me like a man, because i didn't really want to be having relationships with men as a woman. i was like "huh...this kind of sounds like i don't want to have relationships with ANYONE as a woman." and then i kind of realized after a short stint of identifying as bi that i was also like. just not interested in women at all. i had been making that shit up for notes.

so like, i think in that regard it's like...it's hard to separate my understanding of myself as a man who likes men from my understanding of myself as a man more generally, which is why it's especially frustrating to me to hear that twisted into "it's because you have a fetish for gay men" when i had to like. fight myself tooth and nail for Literally 22 years to accept that i am a man AND that i am attracted to men. i was so uncomfortable with who i was and tried so hard to be cis (or at least Not a man) and straight (or at least Not into men) at the same time that i tried to force myself to be a lesbian. despite having no interest in women. to me that was better than being the person i actually was, which was somebody i felt a lot of shame and discomfort about. accepting that i was binary trans and gay was not like "being gay seems cool can i play" so much as having to tell myself "maybe liking men and being male does not make you some kind of disgusting aberrant monster, dude." but god forbid anybody have any compassion about that when it's way easier to get mad at a straw fujo

[gunmetal-ring]

living for your hellcheer commentary! if you ever feel like it i'd love to hear your headcanons for the relationships between chrissy and her mom and eddie and wayne pre-s4

Aw ty 💕 as i continue to clog up the hellcheer tags you will learn that i will take any and all opportunity to ramble my thoughts lol. So thanks for the platform! Buckle in!

I think chrissys mom isnt the cartoonishly evil villain that we see/that we often read abt in fic. I dont think shes ever screamed "FAT PIG!" at chrissy or anything like that. I think the hallucinations were purposefully exaggerated to show that they werent real.

I think that the Real Torture (when vecna was actually killing chrissy) was the accurate representation - sugar-sweet voice for what seems like an innocuous message from non abusive mothers would be "i know you like this outfit and it doesnt fit so im adjusting it so it does fit so you dont have to throw it out bc i love you!".

Except we know that bc chrissy is bulimic and has past trauma, that her mom likely killed her w a thousand cuts - making hurtful remarks abt her weight, her figure, the way her clothes fit, the food shes eating, how she mom was so thin and beautiful at chrissys age and how she wishes chrissy could experience being thin and beautiful, shaming her for her diet, the sizes she has to buy for her clothes, etc. So they were clearly intended to be controlling and abusive but all coated as sugary sweet innocuous concerned-abt-your-health etc whatever. Which is why in the Real Torture when her mom turns around, her mom's face is monstrous - she looks and sounds like a loving mother, but actually theres a monster inside her. Chrissy doesnt necessarily hate her - most victims of abuse dont outright hate their abusers, theres usually an extremely complicated relationship of hate and love and resentment and guilt and hope etc etc which makes it all even harder to naviagte - but she internalizes her moms words and hates herself. Also why her dads eyes and mouth are stitched shut - he refuses to see and listen to the real message that her mom is sending and he refuses to do anything abt it.

I do think that had chrissy lived she would have gone to college/moved out and eventually overcome it all but unfortunately we wont ever see it 😕

--

As for wayne and eddie:

Obviously wayne loved eddie and i agree w the actors remarks in his interview. I think bc hes Wayne Munson and Eddie mentions that the Munson name has already been tarnished by his dad it means that wayne is his dads brother. So i think eddie was probably around 12 or 13 when he permanently moved in w wayne, bc he was living w his dad long enough for him to learn to hotwire cars instead of fishing and playing ball. My guess is his dad was in and out of jail for most of his life and wayne probably took care of him while his dad was in jail.

As for his mom, i know a lot of ppl probably think she ODd but im split on that. On one hand i dont think hed sell the rly hard shit if she ODd - and we know he doesnt just sell weed, ketamine is pretty intense, so my guess is he also sells acid, shrooms, maybecoke, etc. If she did OD i dont think hed sell heroin/whatever she ODd on. Plus i dont think hes ever been to jail bc he said he didnt want to end up like his dad, and heroin/crank/crack/etc is absolutely hard, life ruining shit, and also guaranteed jail time. So i can see how maybe she ODd. But I also can easily see how maybe she just up and left one day without a word. Eddie clearly has a hard time connecting (except w Chrissy lol) and opening up, and i can see how fear of abandonment might play into that - which also might be a contributing factor in his guilt bc in a way he abandoned chrissy in his trailer (he did the same thing that his mom did to him, etc).

Either way, she wasnt in the picture when wayne took him in, and i also think maybe it was 13ish bc obviously he connected w chrissy at the talent show and 8th grade is usually 13-14 so if a cute girl was nice to him during a traumatic time in his life i can see how that lasted w him. So yes wayne took him in even tho he couldnt rly afford to - pretty sure his trailer is only 1 bedroom and wayne sleeps on a camp bed in the living room, and so he couldnt afford to move to a 2 bedroom trailer. I definitely think he knew eddie sold and that eddie probably contributed to expenses w some of that money. Waynes gruff so i doubt he was all hugs and kisses but i think eddie definitely knew wayne loved him. I also think that while eddie definitely loved him - and wayne KNEW eddie loved him - eddie also maybe had complicated feelings towards him given the circumstances under which eddie moved in w him. i wouldnt be surprised if he resented him a little bit bc he associates wayne w his dad going to jail and his mom bouncing, vs seeing him as a savior, and wayne not being able to rly afford to take care of him, etc. Not logical and i think he knows its not logical but to a kid going thru trauma the feelings arent always logical (see chrissy/her mom) and get complicated

Eddie was also kind of self centered when it came to wayne. He didnt bother to clean up after himself, he left wayne to find chrissys horrifically tortured body by himself, didnt ever ask The Party to pass on a message of apology/thanks/anything to wayne, etc. He also probably didnt offer to give wayne the bedroom as he got older even tho the camp bed probably killed waynes back by now and eddie was at school while wayne slept and apparently crashed at ricks often enough to warrant a mention, and I wouldnt be surprised if he slept in his van after a night out, etc. Im not totally sure on that, bc i can also see him trying to offer up his room and wayne being like "no its fine" but idk im split.

I think had eddie lived he would have moved out at some point but still helped wayne out no matter what by getting a legit on the books job

[muted-eternity]

Trying to process myself and my identity in 2024 is... such a bonkers process. And bonkers is such a funny word to describe a really serious set of emotions I've been embroiled in for so long, but it's 11pm and it's suitable enough.

But listen, okay, it's so complicated.

It feels, sometimes, like I don't quite know who or what I am or where I'm going or why or when I'll get there. The transient state of young adulthood, perhaps, or maybe a consequence of the modern, internet-connected reality that force feeds you so much information that it feels like everything is Going all the time and Won't (Might?) Stop. It makes me wish I could ball up my concept of self, take it out of my head, then unravel and pick it apart bit by bit, take notes, and attempt to understand. Maybe then I could put it all into words that make sense.

continue below the cut

--- --- ---

The rest of a very long post about self-reflection, gender, and the fuck growing up

I'm me, right? I've always been me. But the version of "me" that others perceive is not always the real one. I don't mean that in and (explicitly) edgy way, really, but let me explain:

I was me when I was a kid, yeah? I liked horses and dirt (sometimes) and fireflies and climbing trees and playing with dogs and sticks. I loved swimming. Wanted to be a mermaid for most of my childhood. Or a werewolf (that's a whole other thing).

I hated pink for most of my elementary, middle, and high school years. Don't remember what catalyzed that hatred, but I remember telling people it was because it was a girly color, and I was a tomboy. I didn't like pink. I wasn't like the girly girls, I was weird and messy and purple was superior anyway.

And I remember entering puberty years, and becoming a teenager. I remember a family friend and my mom buying me my first bras and me being like "ew, why do I need these again?" I didn't get it. I read the books my mom got me on bodily changes from American Girl, and tried to make it make sense.

I don't remember feeling distinctly that I was something else. I don't remember thinking I was supposed to be a boy.

I do remember spending a large chunk of my childhood caught between boyhood and girlhood, internally and externally. Most of my friends before second grade were boys (well, it was probably split even but my three closest friends in memory were 2 boys and a girl and I played with the boys at recess.) I remember, after we moved the first time, not understanding why the boys at my new school didn't want to include me in their games, or why the girls all gave me weird looks.

I remember not fitting in (at all, into either category, or otherwise). I remember feeling weird and ostracized and alone.

But I also remember embracing that. If I was going to be the weird kid, then great! Weird is cool, I can do weird. That means everything I do is weird! This won't have any repercussions on my psyche at all.

(I loved it until I didn't, until (although I didn't call it this then) I had internalized the idea of being weird and alone to the point that I didn't recognize I was lonely - or at least denied it very strongly. I spent so much time alone, within my own imagination, that I didn't care or remember that I still needed people. No one pointed that out for me either.)

My teen years, as a result of the previously-mentioned everything, were... well, they were a wreck. I didn't blame it on my bodily development at the time but it was probably a factor. As was the instillation of religious guilt, self-loathing, and shame. But I was a wreck ages 13-18, is the long and short of it.

I didn't feel right. I didn't feel at home, or accepted, or "right" in any sense of the word or in any one place. My views then were very far right for a teen (courtesy of my parents), and I took pride in being the odd one out in society bc of that, in much of the same way I embraced being a weird, alone kid.

I isolated myself. I taught myself (or was taught by my environment) that it was good the World was against me, that I was doing the right thing by opposing the World and clinging to Christ and "American exceptionalism" and listening to Rush Limbaugh. I angled myself against the queer community, started wars in comment sections, determined to never fall for the wiles and tricks of the Worldly American left.

(And this, I say gently, was before I was even fifteen. So much changed when I was 14, and 15, and 16.)

To reiterate: I was a wreck.

I was also everything my parents ever wanted. I got good grades, I did well in homeschool and when I re-entered society in 8th grade. I hated the American left, I hated (though we didn't use that word) the gays and the transes and all the other nonsense.

But then I re-entered society and had to face that I had been living in a very isolated, very narrow-minded bubble. 8th grade was pretty rough all around, as a result.

And you know what? I'm glad it was rough. It needed to be, for me to start to think for myself and learn that being ostracized for horrible beliefs was not a virtuous act. Rejection by the whole of society was (and is) a bad thing.

And in 8th and 9th grade, I met trans and queer people for the first time. Even in rural-ass T-county. I listened to them, even if I didn't want to, and I didn't pick fights. I got online and started trying to understand them more.

And it resonated.

It resonated, and I denied it. I felt something when I watched those shitty 2010s student films on being trans, and it wasn't disgust. It was sympathy.

I was still a little shit until I was 15 or 16. I didn't start to question the beliefs I'd been spoon-fed for quite some time (though I'm eternally glad I did). What I did, though, was create new characters. One was this weird, morally gray mind-controller called Raze which, if you know anything about my pet project Broken Dimensions, might ring some bells. Raze was the precursor to several characters: Nathan Shasear, Ev, Phantasma... At the time, Raze was also Like Me. A tomboy - a woman masquerading as a man, in fact. They weren't who they outwardly professed to be, and led a hidden life. They were also deeply in love with their rival-slash-best friend, Fin Heran (yes, this is the same Fin Heran, more or less).

Raze was my first (well, second on a technicality) queer character. Fin Heran was my first non-heterosexual character (he was and still is caught in between being bi- and pansexual). I denied, for literal years, that neither of those things were true. But it was a start, and it was an outlet.

Eventually, I got to 16 or 17 and accepted the reality that not only were my family's views kind of crazy and not really alright, but also that they targeted me. I didn't put a label on it yet, no - I couldn't possibly be gay, or trans, or (shudders) nonbinary - but I did accept that I didn't fit my parents' perfect idea of "me" either.

Then I hit 18 and went away to finish the degree I started at 16 and everything went off the rails.

Let's pause here. A critical thing to add to everything I've just written is that, from ages 13 or 14 to fucking 19 years old I was deeply, painfully suicidal. That's the side-effect of being raised/raising yourself to believe that nothing you ever do will ever compare to God's plans, or the death of his son. Nothing will ever save you enough for you to not have to pray for forgiveness every night (which you should do; you should grovel, and be thankful he doesn't smite you for the egregious sin of being a teenager with sexual thoughts).

The only goal I had in those years was surviving long enough to serve the kingdom somehow. I knew I didn't want to have kids. I thought maybe I could be a Bible teacher (never a missionary. You didn't want to be a missionary). I never planned on using art to help the church. In fact, I never really planned to live past 21. I prayed, almost nightly, to die in my sleep or in an accident, that way I wouldn't disappoint my parents or fail or have to keep up this awful cycle of begging for forgiveness.

(God, that's horrible, isn't it? I'm allowed to say that's horrible, right? I shouldn't have been suicidal at 13, least of all because I believed I was a sinner who didn't deserve to be alive. What a horrible thing to teach a child, even indirectly.)

So, to recap:

I characterized myself as a "weird kid" for most of my childhood to cope with being ostracized by my peers for not fitting it. I lost my friend group twice (not mentioned previously, we moved once and then a second time. Once to Virginia (age 8), once back home (age 12), and I lost touch with all my friends from both eras). I didn't fit in with either the boys or the girls after my first school.

Then, I characterized myself as being alone and ostracized because I wasn't "of the world" and believed in better things. A victim complex, maybe. Later on, this developed into a deep-set belief that I was perpetually inadequate, despite the fact that I had never really sinned at all. I believed I was never good enough, and at the same time I was learning about trans and gay and queer people fighting off the innate sympathy I had for them with a cruddy stick.

Then I went to college and it all came crashing down.

Right, you with me? Yes? No? Whatever, let's keep going down this rabbit hole.

Everything went off the rails when I got to college because, for the first time, I wasn't surrounded by people or ideologies telling me how or what to think. My roommate and I were both on the asexual spectrum, which led to us talking about our experiences and our heavily closeted experiences queer people. For the first time, I was able to talk freely about my (by now quite large) cast of queer characters in what was becoming Broken Dimensions. I could talk about myself. I could voice my struggles to reconcile my strict Christian beliefs with my very non Christian lifestyle.

That didn't go well.

By 18 I was much more emotionally intelligent than I was at 13. (I'd like to say that's true from 18 to now, at 21, too.) My views on the world had changed and been challenged. I was learning acceptance - of myself and of others - and was on my way to being a better person, and to accepting that I was not, really at all, a bad person. That I had good intentions, and that I was inherently good, not inherently bad.

But I was still a wreck. You can't hold on to such stark cognitive dissonance for so long (in this case: trying to maintain that queerness in fiction, at least, wasn't wrong but neither was my LGBTQ+ hating religious group) and not be a complete wreck.

I tried therapy right before I went to college. It sucked. I cried a lot. Steve, bless his heart, let me. He prompted me to think about what I was saying, the layers of myself I was hiding in and behind, and what I really thought and why. He didn't get to see the process he started carry out, because I stopped seeing him when I left in the fall.

I tried virtual talk therapy while I was at college, after my roommate moved out of our shitty dorm and I was too alone with my thoughts. (I didn't like being alone anymore. I knew I was actually lonely, and that it sucked.) Virtual therapy was, all in all, not a complete waste. Only most of one. I cried more. I had two therapists tell me I probably had ADHD, and that I definitely had depression and anxiety. I stopped virtual therapy when I returned home in the spring, when my dad suggested I try a Christian therapist instead. (I had a panic attack when he suggested that.)

After that, I did most of my reflection and character de- and reconstruction on my own. I started to construct a new sense of self, which promptly blew up last summer when my mom found out just how different the real me is from the perfect little girl she raised.

And now we're here.

What the fuck are we at? Not a superior point of realization, certainly. I still don't know what the fuck is going on inside my head.

(That's a lie. I do. I know so much about what goes on inside my head. There are too many thoughts - that's the (now very likely) ADHD. Story stuff is going wild at all times. There's a lot of queer sex stuff circulating up there, despite me still definitively being on the asexual spectrum. There's still a fair bit of guilt and anxiety, but considerably less depression. I don't hate myself or other people anymore, nor do I think it's morally right to do so. I know a lot of the important stuff about my identity as a person that could fill its own giant text post. But my point still stands.)

See, I know my past. I know everything I just typed out, I know how awful I was a as kid, a teenager. I know so much of it was from how I was raised - and that I did good by unlearning and continuing to unlearn that shit. I grew up, which relates to the common theme of the current younger generations becoming more emotionally mature and outwardly cognizant than their parents. I know all that now.

But where do I go with this?

I spent most of my teenage years not planning for the future. In the last 4 or 5 years, I've been very actively trying to compensate for that because I realized 1) I don't want to die anymore and 2) I don't want to live in the Church of Christ/Christian nationalism bubble (and haven't since 2021). That hasn't been fun.

What also hasn't been fun is my desperate attempts to make up for my lack of self-exploration as a teen. Everyone else learned who they wanted to be in high school, at least to an extent. They made friends who sympathized or empathized with them. They changed their hair, their clothes, their names, their labels. I started doing all that at 18 and 19.

Am I a boy? No. I wanted to be, in some aspects, as a kid. I wanted the freedom that came with being born male. But I don't want to be male, at least not the way trans men do. I feel a connection with both masculinity and femininity, the former moreso than the latter. I want top surgery and HRT, but what does that mean for my gender identity? What does that mean for how I'm supposed to tell society I perceive myself?

How do I perceive myself?

This is spiraled into quite a long piece of text that basically explored my entire childhood. Why am I going to share this on the internet? Another unanswerable question. To submit myself to the mortifying idea of being known, partially. And to see if anyone else resonates. Maybe it's also some sort of self-issued punishment, airing out the dirty laundry of how I thought as a teenager. I dunno.

Also most of this was written after 11pm on a Sunday night, so. Take that for what you will.

Signing off, or something.

-- Ripley, they/them

LINK: companion post where I word vomit about gender.

[ventsforme]

3/23/23: I can’t breathe, I feel anxious… I keep trying to shove the thoughts in that “jar” but it’s not working. I don’t know why but what we talked about in therapy won’t get out of my head.. I feel like I could’ve saved her multiple times. I was a kid though, I was terrified but would I even save her if I did say something? Or would the same thing happen to me? You are my father and I love you but what you did was wrong. If someone did that to me or Alex, you would’ve killed someone, or at least I’d hope so. I am angry that the man who was suppose to protect me from everything turned out to be the person who did dangerous things to my own mother. I am angry, I always blamed myself, my mom didn’t deserve any of that. It’s not consent if someone is asleep or passed out. It’s wrong. How would you feel if someone did that to you? Of course men nowadays would say “shit I wouldn’t mind” or something disgusting, but think about it… how would you feel if a man did that to you? Penetrated you while you were not awake? Again, you are my dad and I hope you realize what you did was wrong. We will never talk about this and I hope therapy clears my mind of this traumatizing memory, not only this memory but the other memories as well. I was a kid, a literal child. I didn’t know my rights and wrongs, I thought we were just playing house then you did that. I didn’t know what to do, I froze… I blame myself to this day, when I realized, that this was YOUR doing. You were my cousin, I was suppose to trust you never do anything like that to me. I feel guilt, shame, and so much more. I am not as sexual bc of you, I get all weird when sexual things get brought up here and there, I blame you for how I turned out. I don’t ever want to see you nor will I choose to, I understand we are family but family doesn’t do that to each other… it’s fucked up. Lastly, fuck you JS. You were a family friend and you are fucked up in the head. As a child, you wouldn’t think that anything bad would happen to you yet it does. I remember being terrified as fuck, internally screaming, hoping someone would save me. What you tried to get my brother and I to do to each other was FUCKED UP. I am so glad my mom knocked on the door on time, otherwise, idk what would’ve happened and I don’t even want to think about what would. I don’t blame my brother, I’m sure he was terrified as well. Trying to get people to do that is sick, sick as fuck. I always hoped something bad happened to you and what do you know, something did. Do I enjoy the fact that karma got you? Yes. Do I feel bad what happened to you? Yes but now I don’t. I have no sympathy for you, you can burn in hell for all I care. You don’t deserve anything good in your life. All of you have made me feel horrible about myself and I hope this therapy helps free myself of this gut wrenching feeling.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[bondsmagii]

Do you genuinely belive that people deserve to be happy no matter what's happening in the world? I just, like, never heard that before. I mean, everyone it's always trying to convince you that you should care about the world more than you care about yourself and It just gets internalized like I genuinely gave up a career as small business owner to focus on enviromental sciences bc I felt so much guilt over not doing something for climate change and everyone like supported that choice

This whole conversation with the anon remembers me of my own little paranoia when I read the poem "you must love the mutilated world" because all I could think about was how easier it was to me (white, middle class, american) to love the world than everyone else. It's crazy how guilt does leak into everyday things. I never even thought about that like it's something bad it was always framed as something you should be doing like you don't have permission to be happy while the whole world suffers (and its something you see all the time in social media too! Like, it's crazy!) Anyway very interesting topic don't know how to digest it tho probably will continue to feel immeasurable waves of useless giref

I do believe that, yes. I don't believe that we should live in denial of the problems in the world, but I see no point in living in misery. it gets nothing done, it isn't productive, and unless we are actively, consciously, and blatantly contributing to the world's problems, a lot of it is stuff we're not to blame for. should we still help? yes. but should we act like we're on the same level as the billionaires and warmongers who are actively causing and profiting from the pain of others? don't be ridiculous.

also, while we're on the subject: Try to Praise the Mutilated World is my all-time favourite poem. I don't lecture people on their own interpretations of art, but I thought I might provide some extra context. the poem's author is a man named Adam Zagajewski, and he was born in 1945 in Lwów, Poland (now Lviv, Ukraine). you might recognise the date as the end of the Second World War, but you might not recognise the town. this town was one of the most hotly contested and affected parts of Europe in the lead-up to, and the aftermath of, the war. so affected were the citizens that the men who helped create the terms "genocide" and "crime against humanity" in a legal sense for the first time were from here (they did this for the purpose of the Nuremberg trials). Zagajewski would have undoubtedly grown up with the horror of war shadowing his every move and haunting the memories of his family. he would have seen the widespread damage and grief, and homes abandoned or left empty in the wake of the countless Jews from the town who were exiled and murdered. he himself also suffered hardships under the communist rule the country was under during his lifetime, including familial exile and censorship. he protested against the government rule and was punished for it, even having to leave his country for long periods of time.

this is a man who a lot of people with your attitude would deem as a person who has "really" suffered, and is a "real" victim. and he says that regardless of what is going on, you must praise this world. you must love it. you must see the beauty in everything, even the "abandoned homesteads of exiles". you must create good times, so you can hold onto them in the tough times and the bad times. the poem is saying that you must see the beauty in the world before you can begin to heal it, because a person mired in guilt and misery is no good for the work of healing. look at the things he tells you to remember and to enjoy when you have them. he mentions "June's long days", "wild strawberries", "drops of rosé wine". the poem tells you to face the reality of the world and hold fast against it; love the world regardless and do what you can. how such a beautiful poem could be used by you to feel such guilt is such a shame. this is a poem written for everyone struggling with the reality of the world, and indeed it became widespread famous after it circulated following 9/11. in a world full of new horror, a horror many people had never experienced before, it was this poem that resonated -- that no matter the horror out there, we must love this world and seize happiness where we can.

this is a prime example of art being for everyone. if you want to use this poem as another way to uselessly beat yourself up, I can't stop you. but I hope you rethink. you seem unhappy living like this, and you seem to understand it's an impossible way to live. you can choose something better. you can try to praise the mutilated world, to go back to the running theme. you can allow yourself small joys and let yourself see the beauty here. you can learn to do what you can and rest knowing that's enough.

[epicene-humanoid]

some trans Jeff thoughts:

he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)

he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret

"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition

he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look

he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him

i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.

abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.

abed's predictions:

britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that

shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry

troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more

annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots

peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)

the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it

sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?

YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god

i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)

spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3

i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times. 

like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through). 

either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.

 and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.

OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.

THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode. 

AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.

and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.

another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao

and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3

also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that. 

okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous. 

in conclusion:

they’re trans, your honor <3

[shingia]

Heya. I know this is very angsty of a request, but I saw the fic of characters reacting to their s/o who [tw] relapsed into self harm and was wondering if you would do some for asahi, ushijima, and oikawa?

[𝐓𝐖] 𝐒/𝐎 𝐑𝐄𝐋𝐀𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐌 𝐩𝐭.𝟐

hi ! ofc you can honey <3 i hope these will bring you as much comfort as you need, and plz don’t hesitate to dm me if you need to talk to someone, or to reach out for help in any way. here’s a hug for you bcs you deserve it, love you 💗 

also im sorry but i really couldn’t imagine asahi ever arguing with his s/o so i didn’t include this in his fic (he really is too precious)

warnings : mentions of self harm, one mention of blood, some self-depreciating thoughts. please do not read if any of these might trigger something, stay safe everyone <3

➾ 𝐚𝐬𝐚𝐡𝐢

asahi trusted you blindly. and everyday, he had to make an effort to persuade himself that you trusted him in return. you did of course, how could you not trust the one that had helped you through so much ?

but this wasn’t about trust ; it was about shame. because the last thing you wanted was to find in his eyes the anguish and fear as they were a few months ago. you couldn’t do that to him, yet you kept doing that to yourself.

however, you had the misfortune - which was more of a blessing really - to have a very observant boyfriend who cared about you. and he cared enough to gather the courage to finally ask you about what he had hoped you’d come to him for. sat next to you on the couch, he took the plunge. 

« do you… do you remember when you promised to always come to me if you needed help ? ». there, he had said it. and from the way that his arm tightened encouragingly around your waist, you understood what he meant by this innocent question. he kept speaking : « you know i trust you, right ? i really do. but something tells me that maybe you forgot about this promise recently ».

each of his words was carefully chosen, more than usual. because even if he didn’t show you, he was terrified of messing up. the fact that you were reluctant to answer was enough for him to understand that he had guessed right. but what confirmed it was the single tear that slowly streamed down your cheek.

« oh angel, no, come here. come, you’re ok now… » he spoke in a tone that was more comforting that anything you had ever heard. his arms were wide open for you to snuggle in, and when they wrapped around you, his words replayed once again in your head. i’m ok now, i’m ok now… you repeated internally. and you were, asahi was a man of his words after all.

« i’m sorry for being weak » you finally said after a few seconds of silence, voice half-muffled by his embrace. his warm fingers traced the outline of your face, encouraging you to look up to him. not because he needed to see your face, he already knew it by heart, but because you needed to see his. « weak ? y-you’re the furthest thing from weak. how can i even put it..? you are one of the strongest person i know, and i wouldn’t be half the man i am today if it weren’t for you. 

you wanted to thank him, but exhaustion took hold of your body before any word could leave your tight throat. and when you woke up - two hours later according to the clock - asahi was still there, holding you tight against his heart like a promise to never let go of you anymore.

➾ 𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐣𝐢𝐦𝐚

ushijima hated to waste time and energy on ‘petty fights’, as he liked to call them. but it was really frustrating to always feel like he avoided confrontation ; arguments were necessary in a relationship, and he didn’t seem to understand that.

whenever you got into fights, you were always the only one to get angry, which never failed to make you feel guilty afterwards. and eventually, this feeling of guilt started to become permanent, taking so much place in your brain that you had to sacrifice a part of the self-confidence you had built up the past months. but you didn’t know how much longer you could conceal it.

tonight was the first time you were sleeping together since your most recent fight, the one that had damaged you so badly. and you couldn’t lie, feeling his warmth next to you after about three days spent ignoring him almost felt like a reward. but a reward for what ? you were certainly not proud of what you had done, and you were terrified at the thought that he’d ever notice it. but unfortunately, your efforts to pretend like everything was ok were put to an end in the middle of the night, at about 3 am. something silly, really : ushijima had just turned around in his sleep, and his shoulder accidentally weighed on your wrist, making you hiss in pain. he immediately opened his eyes at the sound, his hand immediately finding its way to your side - he was always a light sleeper with you.

« are you ok ? » he asked, propping himself on an elbow, barely distinguishing your silhouette in the dark. « yeah, just my wrist. come on, let’s go back to sl- ». oh… that wasn’t supposed to be said out loud. it was hard to gauge his reaction since you could not properly see his face, but since he sat on the bed as soon as you interrupted yourself, you understood that it had not fallen on deaf ears. « are you comfortable with me turning on the lights ? » he asked, obvious concern in his voice. saying yes was tempting, because you knew this was a serious matter, but you couldn’t bring yourself to let him see you like this, vulnerable and ashamed.

ushijima accepted it of course, he knew he was not the best with words, so the least he could do was to make sure you were comfortable with whatever he decided to do. « is it ok if i hold you ? » he asked once again, his tone a bit more hesitant. the muscles in your jaw tensed at his words, it was more than ok, or at least you wanted to give it a try, but the worry you had caused him was bringing you back to the familiar feeling of guilt.

however, when he carefully made you rest on top of him like he had always done, something inside you felt healed to know that whatever you were going through did not impact every aspect of your life. his embrace felt the same, so did his heaving chest that rocked your body to sleep every night. surprisingly enough, you did not shed a tear. because the comfort finally felt stronger than the pain, you refused to let anything trouble this moment.

« are you ready to talk about it ? » he questioned, his voice rumbling like a soothing storm in his chest « or do you prefer to wait until tomorrow ? ».

ushijima might have avoided many discussions with you, but this one ? he simply refused to. and if he was more than ready to help you overcome your pain, he also knew not to pressure you into talking. words would come, eventually. but actions were always first.

➾ 𝐨𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐰𝐚

despite his usually confident behavior, oikawa knew he had a tendency to second-guess each and every one of his actions, and to beat himself up quite often.

he could not remember the last time he had felt so utterly disgusted by himself, he was usually more careful with his words. but all it took was one angry outburst from him for you to withdraw into yourself - and he had to fix this as soon as possible.

luckily for him, your relationship was strong enough not to be too affected by this argument - which had not been your first, but definitely the biggest one. however, you had been affected. a lot actually. but you knew better than to talk to him about this, knowing that he would obviously take the blame for your relapse.

but oikawa was attentive, and, clever as he was, it did not take long for him to guess what you were going through when he saw the red-stained tissues in the bathroom trash. it had been two weeks since your fight, and just the thought that he had left you alone with your struggles for so long made him want to throw up.

without wasting any more second, he burst out of the bathroom and made his way to the living room where you were absent-mindedly watching a movie. he would have preferred to have a discussion with you with a clear head, but the sight of the tissues kept spiraling in his head and he was incapable of doing anything else but to pull you in for a hug whose suddenness made you gasp.

oikawa’s hugs were usually soft, with little kisses here and there and a few compliments chuckled in your ear. but today had nothing to do with those. his arms were engulfing your figure in a desperate need to feel you against him, like he was trying to make up for all the time he had left you alone. « i’m so sorry, so sorry baby… can you forgive me ? » he breathed out, his voice cracking with emotion. obviously you knew what he was referring to, how could you not know ? and just like him, the thousand words on your mind only transcribed in your arms wrapping around him, closing the last few millimeters that separated you as you frantically nodded your head yes. 

you did not think he had anything to be forgiven for, and sadly, you also knew that he would continue to blame himself no matter what your answer had been. that was actually your biggest motivation to begin your recovery journey. oikawa needed to know that, from now on, you’d turn to him instead of your old habits. and you wanted nothing more than to make him happy, so, since his happiness seemed to depend on yours, it could be considered a package deal towards a better future, together.

before you leave, here are links to two mental health support apps that i hope will help you deal what you are going through right now. i know it’s not much but i’ll be the happiest girl if this helped someone in the tiniest way. take care of yourselves ❤️

Calm Harm - Play Store | App Store

Wysa - Play Store | App Store

@toworuu @catwithangerissues

[katsidhe]

coffeecustard

replied to your post

“Love your blog!! Your meta is *chefs kiss* So! I made an observation...”

I'm very curious what that makes me, because I was never shocked at Sam's decision, never felt he was disgusting, in fact I found and still find the s4 demon thing to make 100% sense in light of the info he had. I love your meta and I'm hoping one day you'll write what you think makes ppl like me feel this way -- accept Sam's actions and motives 100% no questions, because they make absolute sense to us.

You know, I think there is something interesting here. In some ways I’m in the same boat as you. The first time I watched s4 I was on Sam’s side, but while I never felt that he was disgusting or unjustified, I definitely understood why Sam felt he was doing something transgressive/something that potentially crossed a bright moral line. And that struggle, and the fear of intrinsic evil, was real for Sam (even without Dean/the culture surrounding him driving it home), and frankly added to my respect for him. 

So, textually I think it’s inarguable that the Show itself regards Sam drinking demon blood as morally questionable at the very least. Even setting aside Dean’s moralizing, the literal in-universe author of their books tells Sam it’s not right. Can’t get much more explicit than that.

But Sam’s guilt is a lot muddier compared to whatever Dean struggles with in s9, because it’s not just ~bad bc the show said so~. Sam’s lifelong feelings of innate uncleanliness, interwoven with the degree of suspicion with which Dean tends to treat him as a matter of course (which stems from John’s suspicions, the Family Cult, Dean’s absolutism, etc etc.), combined with the Show’s bias, make the separate factors really, really difficult to parse. All three have narrative effects that influence how the audience is likely to perceive Sam’s decisions. 

Like I touched on in my previous post, one first obvious reaction is to take a stance that most closely resembles Dean’s (and arguably the Show’s): something to the effect of, Sam means well, and some version of him is Good deep down, but he’s misguided; surely he can see that this stuff is Bad News and is all going to end in tears; really, he should go back to Normal. 

But sometimes, like in your case and mine, that isn’t the first reaction. Part of it for me at least is that pragmatism is a really attractive trait in my fictional characters, and I deeply respected that Sam was willing to set aside his own deep self-disgust because he could acknowledge that making use of the blood and his powers got undeniable results. But I also wonder if it might be the naysayer in me who wanted to be on Sam’s side in the first place, that wanted to revolt against what the clear narrative authority was trying to tell me. If it’s an instinctive reaction to be on the side of the party being assigned blame and called out for wrongness, the one being called abnormal and freakish in the face of persecution. 

The blood is a continuous action on Sam’s part, and an addiction with side-effects that are debatably causing harm to him. Sam has to make the active decision over and over to keep using it, and it’s one he visibly struggles with while the necessity wars with his shame, and while we as viewers fear for his safety in the face of both his friends and his enemies. All the while, Sam is painted as overtly deviant, in ways that tie in with his sexuality and with addiction, with his mental health, with him being, somehow, innately tainted. This, I think, can easily be fundamentally sympathetic. 

The Mark, in contrast, was one ill-informed decision, with inarguably harmful fallout for both Sam and Dean. Interestingly enough, Dean’s grappling with the Mark of Cain is basically never addressed as a choice? He finds out about the thing, accepts it without asking about terms and conditions, and is branded all in one episode; following this, his struggle is all about him internally trying to repress, control, or channel the urges the Mark gives or intensifies; never (to my recollection, anyway; feel free to correct me if I’m forgetting something in some s10 episode I’ve never rewatched) is he significantly wracked with regret over taking the Mark in the first place. I think this is typical of Dean. He felt he did what he had to do, so he’s not going to agonize over a decision that was made that he cannot take back. Sam doesn’t react the way Dean did in season 4, either--Gadreel aside, he’s on Dean’s side, quick to reassure Dean (and himself) in s10 that the Mark’s influence isn’t Dean’s fault. 

This definitely contributes to how we the audience view that decision, and since Dean is tormented but not terribly guilty, and Sam is supportive even while a victim, it’s easy to assign pity rather than blame. But for me, as a viewer, it’s a lot less interesting to watch Dean grapple when there’s little acknowledgment of how he made his bed in the first place, and, indeed, when there’s NO ONE in the narrative, not Sam, and not even Dean himself, who is in major conflict with that decision. 

In s4, Sam is resolutely the moral outsider. I think for some people it can have the effect of making his point of view MORE attractive rather than less, because it is transgressive on a level intrinsic to the fabric of the show itself. And that’s plain fun. 

[forgeandgredimagines]

Mischievous Antics 『Kuroo Tetsurou x Reader』

Request: Hey hey!! I really love your work, I was wondering if you could make a kuroo x reader oneshot of kuroo messing with the reader and they start playfully fighting bc of that. I dont know if you get what I mean but thank you in advanced 🖤❤️ (Anon)

A/N: I totally get what you mean :>> I feel like Kuroo would definitely be the type of boyfriend that would always mess with and annoy you. But you still love him regardless of his ridiculous antics, because who wouldn't?

Warnings: Mild swearing

Word count: 1.5k

Masterlist!!

Everyone who's known Kuroo is well aware of the fact that he is, to put it simply, a ginormous troublemaker. Everyone knows that they have to be especially careful around the man, else they'll find themselves in some sort of sticky situation. Which is definitely why you don't have the right to blame Kuroo for taking embarrassing photos of you, that he may or may not use for blackmail, you should be blaming yourself for falling asleep in the middle of the living room wearing the ridiculous looking (though undeniably comfortable) t-rex onesie Tsukishima gifted you for your birthday, with a Korean face masks that was probably way too overpriced to be a reasonable purchase, but you didn't care. 

It was Sunday evening, you were home alone and you wanted to pamper yourself. College was just as, if not more, tiring than they made it seem when you were in high school, hence why you needed a day for yourself every once in a while.

This was precisely the reason why Kuroo decided to surprise you that night with a bags full of your favorite foods and a list of movies you two could binge watch that night. He got in with the spare key he knew you hid under a flower pot by the entrance and instead of being greeted with a big hug from you after being pleasantly surprised with his sudden arrival and presents, he found you passed out cold in the living room, a bowl of half melted ice cream precariously clutched in your arms, only inches away from spilling all over your onesie, which Kuroo found incredibly cute. The anime that you had previously been watching was still playing, you had just missed an epic boss battle between the protagonist and his best friend who was secretly evil but that wasn't important. What was important was how completely ridiculous you looked.

Kuroo tried to stifle his laughter. Emphasis on tried. He couldn't help but let out a few giggles which luckily didn't do much but make you stir groggily, the ice cream miraculously still not spilling everywhere.

He hastily carried the bags of food into the kitchen and rushed back to you with his phone in his hand, the camera app already open. He positioned the camera right above you, he made sure to get the most unflattering angle because he was a good boyfriend.

All would have gone well if he hadn't forgotten to turn the flash off. The bright light flashed over your face waking you from your slumber. Kuroo froze in place, his phone still hovering over you. You groggily looked up at him, rubbing your eyes.

"Tetsu?" You asked, your voice laced with sleepiness. Your hand brushed over your cheeks and felt the face mask, and you suddenly realized what was happening.

You two stood there for a few seconds, frozen. And just like that you two jumped like frightened cats. Kuroo jumped over the coffee table, adrenaline pumping through his veins.

He ran as if his life depended on it, and to be honest, it kind of did.

You let out a screech in shock and leapt after him, the bowl of ice cream now crashing onto the ground, but he was too quick for you.

Before Kuroo could run into the bathroom to lock himself in, he tripped on the carpet but he caught himself before he crashed onto the ground, but this momentary delay gave you time to catch up on him. You made a grab for the phone but Kuroo quickly held it up in the air, far from your reach. His years of volleyball and troublemaking had lead to him developing rather fast reflexes.

He pried you off of him and ran into the kitchen instead, and found himself cornered behind the small kitchen island. You skidded to halt right across from him, the island being the only thing keeping you from strangling the man.

"Had a good nap, hun?" He grinned cheekily at you. He waved out his phone, close enough that you could see your incriminating photo in full HD but far enough that it was only a little bit more than arms length.

You growled at him as you internally asked yourself why you were dating the oaf. You threw your face mask at him.

"Kuroo Tetsurou, you are such an asshole!" You bellowed. His grin only grew wider. You dashed towards him from the left of the island but Kuroo ran towards the right, leading you two to be in the same position but on the other sides of the granite surface.

"I swear when I get my hands on you-" You began listing down rather violent ways on how you were going to make the male regret his actions.

Kuroo's face only grew more smug at these threats. "You're so cute when you're feeling homicidal tendencies." He cooed at you. "But I think this is much more cuter."

He grinned down at his phone, ignoring your death glare, when an idea popped into his head. "It would...be a shame if...this happened to be accidentally sent to someone."

You gasped at these words. "You wouldn't."

"Come on, let's be honest, we both know that I would."

He began tapping on his phone, preparing to send the incriminating photo to the groupchat you, Kuroo and your closest friends were in. This list included Kenma, Yaku, Bokuto, Tsukishima, Akaashi and several of your other friends. You'd never hear the end of it.

You clenched your fists in defeat and stared at your feet (which were t-rex feet but that wasn't important).

Kuroo was just about to send the photo when he heard a sniffle. He froze in his place, guilt already beginning to engulf him.

He turned to you, you were biting your lips in frustration, tears prickling the corners of your eyes. He hated when you cried, especially when he was the one that caused them to begin with.

"Hey, hey, no, I was just playing around. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to get upset." He cautiously approached you. "I won't send it to anyone, I promise."

He was now beside you, rubbing your shoulders consolingly, when he noticed the corners of your mouth rising by a fraction.

It was too late, you had grabbed ahold of his phone. You ducked under his arm and ran for the living room, quickly trying to delete the photo from both the gallery and the recently deleted folder, but you couldn't do this quickly as you were running from a feral and thoroughly betrayed man behind you.

He quickly gained on you and tried to grab the phone, you two were now having a tug of war contest with the unfortunate device. Kuroo then tripped on a shoe and fell onto the floor, his face landing on the spilt ice cream. The melted vanilla and chocolate was smeared all over the side of his face and was all over his hair but his focus was still on the phone that he managed to hold on to even during his fall.

"Let--go!" You cried out and you pulled with all your might.

"It's my phone--you hag!"

As Kuroo said this though, his grip on the phone loosened and you found yourself falling back from the sudden loss of force from his end. You exclaimed in delight as you brought the phone up to your face, only to gasp in horror as you took in what was on the screen.

Amidst the chaos that just ensued, one of you had unknowingly managed to send the photo the the group chat.

Bokuto, always the first to see messages, had already sent a dozen or so messages and gifs, his delight evident. Akaashi, who checked the chat because of Bokuto's spamming, was now sharing his own delightfully sarcastic comments. Yaku had just seen the photo and was already typing his reaction as you groaned in defeat.

Kuroo grabbed the phone from your lax hands and roared in laughter upon seeing the chat. He struggled to breath as he fell into more laughter, tears even started to prickle his eyes, when a bright light flashed and a little notification pinged from Kuroo's phone.

He looked down onto the groupchat only to see his own face, manic with glee. He had to admit, he looked ridiculous, with melted, sticky vanilla and chocolate ice cream smeared all over his face, clothes and hair, which was now messier than ever, which is saying something for the male.

He looked over at your smug face. You were still lying on the ground from your fall earlier, but your hands were now clasped on your own phone which was left on the coffee table beside you earlier.

You stuck your tongue out at him.

"I really hate you, you know." He said playfully as he began poking the sides of your stomach. You burst into laughter from his unrelenting tickling and struggled under him. When you calmed down from your fits of giggles, you sighed and smiled fondly at him. "I love you too, jerk."

[dillydedalus]

january reading

why does january always feel like it’s 3 months long. anyway here’s what i read in january, feat. poison experts with ocd, ants in your brain, old bolsheviks getting purged, and mountweazels. 

city of lies, sam hawke (poison wars #1) this is a perfectly nice fantasy novel about jovan, who serves as essentially a secret guard against poisoning for his city state’s heir and is forced to step up when his uncle (also a secret poison guard) and the ruler are both killed by an unknown poison AND also the city is suddenly under a very creepy siege (are these events related? who knows!) this is all very fine & entertaining & there are some fun ideas, but also... the main character has ocd and SAME HAT SAME HAT. also like the idea of having a very important, secret and potentially fatal job that requires you to painstakingly test everything the ruler/heir is consuming WHILE HAVING OCD is like... such a deliciously sadistic concept. amazing. 3/5

my heart hemmed in, marie ndiaye (translated from french by jordan stump) a strange horror-ish tale in which two married teachers, bastions of upper-middle-class respectability and taste, suddenly find themselves utterly despised by everyone around them, escalating until the husband is seriously injured. through several very unexpected twists, it becomes clear that the couple’s own contempt for anyone not fitting into their world and especially nadia’s hostility and shame about her (implied to be northern african) ancestry is the reason for their pariah status. disturbing, surprising, FUCKED UP IF TRUE (looking back, i no longer really know what i mean by that). 4/5

xenogenesis trilogy (dawn/adulthood rites/imago), octavia e. butler octavia butler is incapable of writing anything uninteresting and while i don’t always completely vibe with her stuff, it’s always fascinating & thought-provoking. this series combines some of her favourite topics (genetic manipulation, alien/human reproduction, what is humanity) into a tale of an alien species, the oankali, saving some human survivors from the apocalypse and beginning a gene-trading project with them, integrating them into their reproductive system and creating mixed/’construct’ generations with traits from both species. and like, to me, this was uncomfortably into the biology = destiny thing & didn’t really question the oankali assertion that humans were genetically doomed to hierarchical behaviour & aggression (& also weirdly straight for a book about an alien species with 3 genders that engages in 5-partner-reproduction with humans), so that angle fell flat for me for the most part, altho i suppose i do agree that embracing change, even change that comes at a cost, is better than clinging to an unsustainable (& potentially destructive) purity. where i think the series is most interesting is in its exploration of consent and in how far consent is possible in extremely one-sided power dynamics (curiously, while the oankali condemn and seem to lack the human drive for hierarchy, they find it very easy to abuse their position of power & violate boundaries & never question the morality of this. in this, the first book, focusing on a human survivor first encountering the oankali and learning of their project, is the most interesting, as lilith as a human most explicitly struggles with her position - would her consent be meaningful? can she even consent when there is a kind of biochemical dependence between humans and their alien mates? the other two books, told from the perspectives of lilith’s constructed/mixed children, continue discussing themes of consent, autonomy and power dynamics, but i found them less interesting the further they moved from human perspectives. on the whole: 2.5/5

love & other thought experiments, sophie ward man, we love a pierre menard reference. anyway. this is a novel in stories, each based (loosely) on a thought experiment, about (loosely) a lesbian couple and their son arthur, illness and grief, parenthood, love, consciousness and perception, alternative universes, and having an ant in your brain. it is thoroughly delightful & clever, but goes for warmth and humanity (or ant-ity) over intellectual games (surprising given that it is all about thought experiments - but while they are a nice structuring device i don’t think they add all that much). i haven’t entirely worked out my feelings about the ending and it’s hard to discuss anyway given the twists and turns this takes, but it's a whole lot of fun. 4/5

a general theory of oblivion, josé eduardo agualusa (tr. from portuguese by daniel hahn) interesting little novel(la) set in angola during and after the struggle for independence, in which a portuguese woman, ludo, with extreme agoraphobia walls herself into her apartment to avoid the violence and chaos (but also just... bc she has agoraphobia) with a involving a bunch of much more active characters and how they are connected to her to various degrees. i didn’t like the sideplot quite as much as ludo’s isolation in her walled-in flat with her dog, catching pigeons on the balcony and writing on the walls. 3/5

cassandra at the wedding, dorothy baker phd student cassandra returns home attend (sabotage) her twin sister judith’s wedding to a young doctor whose name she refuses to remember, believing that her sister secretly wants out. cass is a mess, and as a shift to judith’s perspective reveals, definitely wrong about what judith wants and maybe a little delusional, but also a ridiculously compelling narrator, the brilliant but troubled contrast to judith’s safer conventionality. on the whole, cassandra’s narrative voice is the strongest feature of a book i otherwise found a bit slow & a bit heavy on the quirky family. fav line is when cass, post-character-development, plans to “take a quick look at [her] dumb thesis and see if it might lead to something less smooth and more revolting, or at least satisfying more than the requirements of the University”. 3/5

the office of historical corrections, danielle evans a very solid collection of realist short stories (+ the titular novella), mainly dealing with racism, (black) womanhood, relationships between women, and anticolonial/antiracist historiography. while i thought all the stories were well-done and none stood out as weak or an unnecessary inclusion, there also weren’t any that really stood out to me. 3/5

sonnenfinsternis, arthur koestler (english title: darkness at noon) (audio) you know what’s cool about this book? when i added it to my goodreads tbr in 2012, i would have had to read it in translation as the german original was lost during koestler’s escape from the nazis, but since then, the original has been rediscovered and republished. yet another proof that leaving books on your tbr for ages is a good thing actually. anyway. this is a story about the stalinist purges, told thru old bolshevik rubashov, who, after serving the Party loyally for years & doing his fair share of selling people out for the Party, is arrested for ~oppositional activities. in jail and during his interrogations, rubashov reflects on the course the Party has taken and his own part (and guilt) in that, and the way totalitarianism has eaten up and poisoned even the most commendable ideals the Party once held (and still holds?), the course of history and at what point the end no longer justifies the means. it’s brilliant, rubashov is brilliant and despicable, i’m very happy it was rediscovered. 5/5

heads of the colored people, nafissa thompson-spires another really solid short story collection, also focused on the experiences of black people in america (particularly the black upper-middle class), black womanhood and black relationships, altho with a somewhat more satirical tone than danielle evans’s collection. standouts for me were the story in letters between the mothers of the only black girls at a private school, a story about a family of fruitarians, and a story about a girl who fetishises her disabled boyfriend(s). 3.5/5

pedro páramo, juan rulfo (gernan transl. by dagmar ploetz) mexican classic about a rich and abusive landowner (the titular pedro paramo) and the ghost town he leaves behind - quite literally, as, when his son tries to find his father, the town is full of people, quite ready to talk shit about pedro, but they are all dead. it’s an interesting setting with occasionally vivid writing, but the skips in time and character were kind of confusing and i lost my place a lot. i’d be interested in reading rulfo’s other major work, el llano en llamas. 2.5/5

verse für zeitgenossen, mascha kaléko short collection of the poems kaléko, a jewish german poet, wrote while in exile in the united states in the 30-40s, as well as some poems written after the end of ww2. kaléko’s voice is witty, but at turns also melancholy or satirical. as expected i preferred the pieces that directly addressed the experience of exile (”sozusagen ein mailied” is one of my favourite exillyrik pieces). 3/5

the harpy, megan hunter yeah this was boooooooring. the cover is really cool & the premise sounded intriguing (women gets cheated on, makes deal with husband that she is allowed to hurt him three times in revenge, women is also obsessed with harpies: female revenge & female monsters is my jam) but it’s literally so dull & trying so hard to be deep. 1.5/5

the liar’s dictionary, eley williams this is such a delightful book, from the design (those marbled endpapers? yes) to the preface (all about what a dictionary is/could be), to the chapter headings (A-Z words, mostly relating to lies, dishonesty, etc in some way or another, containing at least one fictitious entry), to the dual plots (intern at new edition of a dictionary in contemporary england checking the incomplete old dictionary for mountweazels vs 1899 london with the guy putting the mountweazels in), to williams’s clear joy about words and playing with them. there were so many lines that made me think about how to translate them, which is always a fun exercise. 3.5/5

catherine the great & the small, olja knežević (tr. from montenegrin by ellen elias-bursać, paula gordon) coming-of-age-ish novel about katarina from montenegro, who grows up in  titograd/podgorica and belgrad in the 70s/80s, eventually moving to london as an adult. to be honest while there are some interesting aspects in how this portrays yugoslavia and conflicts between the different parts of yugoslavia, i mostly found this a pretty sloggy slog of misery without much to emotionally connect to, which is sad bc i was p excited for it :(. 2/5

the decameron project: 29 new stories from the pandemic, anthology a collection of short stories written during covid lockdown (and mostly about covid/lockdown in some way). they got a bunch of cool authors, including margaret atwood, edwidge danticat, rachel kushner ... it’s an interesting project and the stories are mostly pretty good, but there wasn’t one that really stood out to me as amazing. i also kinda wish more of the stories had diverged more from covid/lockdown thematically bc it got a lil repetitive tbh. 2/5

[max-is-tired]

please can you rant about what happens after Augustus presents himself to Thomas, how thomas will react and adjust and all the others too? plz -🖌

Bullet-pointing the shit out of this again here we go-

(Warnings: swearing, a touch of angst, sympathetic deceit, maybe morally-grey Patton but I’m not sure about that one)

(This bitch is like 1.4k+ words long get ready y’all)

(Also if you haven’t read Once Again stop right here and go read it!! Trust me you’ll need the context :’))

Okay so before we begin we gotta go back to just after Roman and Remus unfuse. Imagine their confusion when, you know, they calm down enough to actually process whatever the fuck just happened. It probably goes something like this:

"THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED."

"THE FUCK WAS THAT, WHAT DID YOU DO??"

"I DIDN'T DO SHIT WHAT ABOUT YOU?”

"Wait, was that the original Creativity?? Like, from before we split up?"

"If that's the case then I gotta say, we were hOT AS FUCK-"

"REMUS NO WHY-"

And basically, they figure out they can fuse back into Augustus whenever they want?? And start doing it mostly in the Imagination, away from prying eyes.

So yeah, in the beginning, they don't tell the others, mostly because that would be a very LONG talk and they don't want to go through that thank you very much.

(How does Remus manage to not blow this secret one day in??? We'll never know I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

(Also I’m putting the rest under the cut bc this got long)

Anyway, I won’t talk about how the other sides find out about Augustus here bc I’ve got another (bullet point maybe?) fic in the works for that and it’s a goodie so look out for that one ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

As for Thomas, well, I imagine it would happen by accident? Roman and Remus are still around most of the time, so even after the others find out they don’t see any reason to let Thomas know about the OG Creativity not being as dead as they previously thought.

(Also they’re lowkey scared he’ll prefer Augustus to them and somehow force them to fuse back definitively but that’s a whole other can of worms we won’t be opening today ᕕ(ᐛ)ᕗ)

Anyway maybe they’re fused maybe because they needed Augustus to do Something Important in the Imagination -Augustus, being the OG Creativity and also Roman&Remus combined has way more control over the Imagination than the two brothers ever could, even if he’s working on teaching them new tricks.

So yeah, they’re fused and Augustus is minding his own business when Thomas suddenly tries to summon Roman, but since the prince is currently fused into Augustus the latter gets summoned instead.

Poor Augustus hasn’t been summoned in the real world since e v e r, so he’s got basically one or two seconds during which he goes “oh fuck” before he’s tumbling gracelessly in Roman’s sport, for Thomas’ surprise and the others’ resignation.

“I was busy, you know.”

“We tried to tell him, but he’s almost as stubborn as you sometimes.”

“Love you too Dee.”

(Little backstory: Dee & Augustus had a sort of sibling relationship and were really close before the split, as the dramatic nerds they are. That’s another thing over which Morality and Augustus often found themselves at odds -they’re relationship wasn't… the absolute best, even less during the years leading to the split, and even now there are things they still need to iron out before they can actually start calling each other friends.)

Thomas, a very confused gay, goes “Okay who are you though?? I was trying to summon Roman.”

Augustus, a very tired Side who just wants to enjoy his retirement thank you very much, lets out a sigh and gets up, dusting himself off.

“You might want to sit down, it’s quite the long story.”

Thomas does so, still very confused as he throws the unknown side a cautious glance -Thomas can’t place it, but he can’t help but feel nostalgic every time he looks at the side, as if he were an old friend he hasn’t seen in a long, long while.

Which is strange, since he’s pretty sure he has never met him before.

“So-” Augustus says, straightening his spine and taking in a deep breath- “where to begin?”

During the next hour or so, he tells Thomas the entire story, from his name-

(“My name is Augustus, and I’m your Creativity.”“... Do I have a third Creativity I didn’t know about?”Augustus lets out a nervous chuckle, one hand moving to absentmindedly smooth out his sash. “It’s… a little more complicated than that, I’m afraid.”)

-up to the day Roman and Remus fused again, bringing him back -even if just for a little while.

(He doesn’t talk much about The Split. For him, it’s still somewhat of a bleeding wound, raw and fresh in his mind as the ghost of the pain and terror and internal conflict he had to go through back then still haunts him everywhere he goes.)

(What Augustus doesn’t miss, is the way Patton shifts uncomfortably when he briefly touches the subject, expression shifting between guilt and a touch of shame. A part of him  -the one that still blames Patton for all that happened- quietly revels in it, enjoying maybe a little too much the way the moral side squirms and pointedly avoids Augustus’ gaze as he goes on with the story.)

(It’s petty, and he knows it, but Augustus also knows it’ll take a while before he can fully forgive Patton -both for their shared past and his behavior towards Remus. So he just takes in a deep breath and moves on, closing his eyes and letting himself get lost in the story.)

The others butt in once in a while, adding little details and occasionally their own side of the story, and in the end, Thomas simply nods and gives Augustus a tentative smile.

“That’s… quite the story. Looks like you guys have been quite busy in the last few days.”

The others shrug in various degrees of agreement.

“To be clear-” Augustus pipes up, looking strangely uncertain as he pointedly avoids Thomas’ gaze- “I’m not here to take Roman’s and Remus’ place. I’ve stepped away from my place as your Creativity the moment I split for the first time, and I’ve got no intention of taking it back.”

“Oh!” Thomas blinks, taken aback, “oh yeah, of course! I wouldn’t ask you to -not that I don’t like you! You’re a great guy and everything, but Roman and Remus are, well...” Thomas trails off, searching for the right words to say what he wants to say.

“Irreplaceable.” Patton and Deceit tentatively say at the same time, sharing a glance before looking away.

“Yeah.” Thomas agrees, looking somewhat guilty -like he’s somehow betraying Augustus with his words.

But all the king can feel is utter, swooping relief, tension leaving his body as he visibly relaxes.

“It’s okay,” he says, letting a chuckle escape his mouth when Thomas gives him a surprised look, “Roman and Remus are your Creativity and have been so way longer than me -they helped you in ways I never could have, accomplished feats I probably could have only dreamed of. I may be the sum of them, but to be completely honest?”

Augustus smiles, eyes twinkling in pride as he widens his arms in a grand gesture, “Had I been at their place, I’m not sure you’d have ended up where you are now in life. And I’m so, so proud of them for helping you achieve a kind of happiness I probably could have never given you.”

Silence falls in Thomas’ living room, everyone staring at Augustus with varying looks of wonder on their faces.

Then, Virgil lets out a snort, shoulders shaking in laughter. “Dude, that was cheesy as fuck. What are you, a proud papa?”

Augustus rolls his eyes, shaking his head with a smile on his face. “Oh, shut up you little shit. Show some respect to your elders, would you?”

Virgil’s grin only widens, eyes twinkling with mirth as he gives the king a half-hearted shrug. “Nah.”

“It would not be too far off though. As the original Creativity, Augustus could be considered Roman’s and Remus’father, in some ways .”

“Logan, now I feel old.”

“Be careful, next thing you know you’ll start complaining about the ‘good old days’ and start yelling at random kids to step off your lawn.”

“Dee, I’m not above hiding every single one of your bowler hats -I know you have an entire collection you dramatic little shit, don’t even try to deny that- and exchange them for the most ridiculous kind of hats I can think of.”

“You touch my hats and they will never find your body.”

Thomas doesn’t miss the way Patton shies away from the conversation, uneasiness written all over his features as he steals occasional uncertain looks in Augustus’ direction when he thinks no-one is looking.

That’s, however, a conversation for another day. For now, Thomas lets the familiar bickering wash over him, a small, content smile on his face as he closes his eyes and leans back on the couch.