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gale-gentlepenguin · 2 years ago

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Gale Reviews: ML Season 5 episode 14 Derision

Spoilers Below

-WHY ARE THEY SO CUTE!?

-Umm Marinette? You okay?

-Have some cereal with your milk.

-Yea something is up with Marinette.

-Marinette's bike is cool.

-Okay adrinette hand holding is cute. But something seems wrong here

-Okay so she reacted seeing an image of Kim... okay weird.

-Okay ... Marinette is having a panic attack. That feels a bit too real

-Bugs! Locker full of bugs. But what does it have to do with...

-Marinette freaked out hard. and Kim says thats her normal reaction to pranks... Kim? What the fuck?! What did you do?

-Of COURSE the akuma shows up now

-"Panic" Oh damn thats a good name for an akuma. But I know Marinette would never get akumatized (especially at this point) But I really want some art interpretations of that form

-So Marinette is having a flashback while Monarch be trying to work on akumatization... How does that work?

-Okay so Marinette had a crush on Kim in 8th grade... Wow someone somewhere owes Lunian some money.

-Marinette with her hair down! Not a drill. Flashbacks matter

-Marinette of 8th grade doesnt want to go to school... Oh wow it feels like origins. Does Sabine KNOW how bad it is? Why not just let her change schools?

-Chloé bullied Marinette, but that was already known...

-JEEZ! Bugs in the locker. Seriously!? Where did chloe make sabrina get those

-And Damacles is a f***ing asshole

-Oh Jeez, Mendeleiev still a harsh b****

-Oh come on! Someone give Marinette a break

-Wait... Kim just thought these were NORMAL Reactions to pranks. He thought these were Okay?!

-Okay wow, yea Mendeleiev and Damocles are garbage. Sure hope no one thought they were better teachers than Ms.Bustier. That would sure suck.

-Chloé is really no different then how she has been all season or season 1

-Juleka looks ready to throw hands. So I really cant hate any of the other students in the class, they seem scared of Chloé, and honestly seeing what I saw. I dont blame them.

-Mylene out right said "Chloé's mom leaving is no excuse. My mom left and I aint a bitch." Go off Queen

-At least Juleka, Rose and Mylene talked to Marinette and were kind

-Kim actually offered his swim trunks to her. Well that is kind of sweet in a himbo way.

-Chloé really just decided to hate on Marinette.

-Damn Socqueline! You defend Marinette. Maybe thats why Marinette wears her hair like that.

-So Socqueline is a year older confirmed. And it does explain the deeper lore about her knowing her mom.

-Tonto. Hehehehehehe

-For a change? So the implication is that Marinette has crushes before. Makes sense. Marinette at this point seems like the type to develop crushes on anyone nice to her.

-Kim doesnt really get when Pranks are pranks and Pranks are... well TOO far. OMG he is the "Its just a prank Bro" type

-Sabrina was watching.... oh this can only end poorly

-Oh... oh no. No no no no no no no.

-Kim you are really an idiot. And not in the endearing himbo way.

-Marinette didnt have a plan back then... Oh! This is gonna result in a trauma where she needs to... Oh wow this is gonna be traumatic af.

-Socqueline is like a big sister to her. Poor thing already can see this going poorly

-This looks like an adorable time. The marikim looks adorable, yet all I can think about is how Chloe will ruin it.

-Oh no, Kim. Please dont do this.

-IT HAD BUGS IN IT! KIM! KIM!!! IN WHAT WORLD DID YOU THINK THIS WAS AN OKAY PRANK?! THAT WAS 8 TYPES OF FUCKED UP. I DONT CARE HOW CONVINCING CHLOÉ IS. YOU ABSOLUTE GARBAGE MEATHEAD!!

-Welp... Chloé has done some f***ed up things. But Wow. This really is her at her worst. Like damn. That is just... And here I thought Lila was bad.

-So Astruc, you really needed to drive the point home on why you hate chloé. You REALLY drove it home. But really

-Socqueline Out here for the save! At the very least saving Marinette from ABSOLUTE eternal shame. Put some respect on this character that only appeared this season.

-Kim REALLY doesnt get how f***ed that was. Its a sad day when a Himbo is more dumb than kind. That just make him an idiot.

-Marinette needs a hug.

-So this explains everything about Why Marinette knows absolutely everything about adrien early on. Well except for the fact he is chat noir. But yea. It was actually TRAUMA!

-"And that he is not friends with Chloé." Yea Adrien, buddy. You might want to completely burn that bridge now. Side note, this completely contextualizes Origins and why Marinette assumed the worst about Adrien off the bat. Damn. This was deep. A little exposition heavy... but deep

-And Chloé gets Socqueline because she broke her phone. Well Damocles. You are officially s*** in my eyes. Even Darker owl seems less slay to me. YOU RUINED DARKOWL FOR ME YOU BASTARD

-She got suspended for two weeks. That sucks

-Wow, so was that flashback instant? Or was Monarch just patiently watching that flashback ENGROSSED by it?

-She broke free by working through the source of her trauma in a matter of seconds... Okay.

-Oh damn! Ondine and Adrien look ready to throw hands at Kim. And Justifiably so.

-Kim... You done goofed. You really are an idiot and My opinion of you is trash.

-Adrien going full arthur anger meme. PUNCH HIM ADRIEN. PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE

-Dude doesnt even swim with his goggles.

-Monarch really said "If I gotta settle, I can at least spin it to make it sound better than it is."

-Dark Humor, Hehe instead of Dark cupid. Clever. Cause his sense of humor is dark. Also CHAT NOIR HAS A REASON TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE.

-Its twisted that he gets his old power

-Also... was he wearing that in the pool? That thing is waterproof? Neat.

-I like the updated costume. But I hate kim right now

-Adrien is ready to throw hands.

-Chat noir wants to beat Kim's ass today. SLAY KITTY SLAY

-YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Chat noir giving Dark Humor the Two Piece No Biscuit.

-He gonna cataclysm him! oh sh*t. Chat noir really felt regret about accidentally cataclysming Monarch, but now ready to erase kim. Yea I completely understand. Valid.

-Ladybug understably needed to stop him... But that caused him to get hit with the goofy arrow. Damn

-Ladybug had to detransform and retransform quick. Tikki really sped ate her cookie today.

-She got jokes

-And Ladybug's plan faked him out and now he got a toilet on his head

-Ladybug may also be using this as a chance to work stuff out.

-The ladynoir is cute. But Chat noir was still 100% justified in his beating of dark humor... Except the cataclysm. But I get why he was ready to use it.

-Well at least Kim is owning up to his s***. He is still an idiot. But He is a himbo. But yea, still a dick move early on Kim. Path to redemption Kim. (still forgave him too quickly.) But Ondine will beat his ass if he doesnt stick to it.

-This Adrinette is adorable and sweet and understanding.

-Trauma is still there. Guess she isnt completely over it, which is understandable. It will take some time (or like 3 episodes)

-Adrien went to chloé. Oh damn. You go boy

-Yea, this chloé is season 4-5 chloé alright. Nothing surprising here. She is just vile

-Sabrina looked annoyed at that speech. (Sabrina will remember that)

-Adrien is officially done. He ended it there officially. Friendship over.

_____________________________________________________________

So I have a LOT of thoughts on this.

For one, Every adult in miraculous is an idiot. Sabine, its good you has Socqueline there to help... but that doesnt really mean s***. This is where you work with the school to have her change classes, or even schools. 3 years of that treatment is enough.

Also, Damocles. You gutless coward. Even if it did cost you your job. The fact you let yourself get controlled to let your STUDENTS suffer is gross.

And Kim... Kim you are an idiot. The fact that you didnt even think that a prank like that was too far?! Adrien was more than justified in a cataclysm. But you did apologize and promised to THINK about the consequences. Plus you are a kid. I can forgive. But THIN ICE MY GUY

Chloé, yea season 2 and Season 3 chloé might as well be a completely different character than this chloé. Zoe appeared after harnessing any decency Chloé has left. But yea, I dont care for this chloé. Not gonna defend this chloé.

So this does explain a LOT about Marinette's more cautious personality. But it also doesnt make sense in a way that Marinette didnt really think things through before. Because if thats the case... then the thing that made her a good ladybug was because of a crippling trauma?! I feel like this maybe should have fleshed out younger marinette more.

Socqueline really was like an older sister to Marinette, but sadly it feels like her inclusion without mention before makes this feel like this traumatic event wasnt planned from the get go as the reason Marinette is how she is. Also after what happened to Socqueline. How could Tom and Sabine allow Marinette to go to that school again?! Seriously. Especially after KNOWING Chloé would be in Marinette's class in origins.

Side note, Adrien was 100% perfect this episode. Loved him. Ondine too. I do wish Civilian adrien did get ONE punch on Kim tho. Just one.

Chat noir laying a beating though was great.

Right, so even though I enjoyed the episode to an extent... I cant say it leaves the show in a better place. If anything, I think it leaves things much worse off.

6/10

3 points for the adrinette moments

2 points for Chat noir laying a beating on Kim

1 point because Kim apologized.

Overall I dont like the direction of things this implies

#ml derision #ml derision spoilers #miraculous ladybug #ml spoilers #gale reviews #I am a bit pissed

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taivansupremacy · 2 years ago

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You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

Summary: Taissa doesn't care about having the perfect love story and going on dates. She's afraid something is broken within her. (A Taissa character study pre-crash and pre-taivan)

A/N: so... i pumped this out real quickly lol i chose taylor lyrics again to link it to my Van character study. Read Van's character study here!

Taissa never understood what the big deal about dates and crushes were. As a child, her parents read her stories of happily ever afters and of princes saving princesses, but unlike her classmates, she wasn’t sure she even wanted a prince. The idea of being saved didn’t ever sound appealing to her, even as a child, so when her friends all wanted to play princesses, she volunteered herself as a prince so she wouldn’t have to be the damsel in distress. It felt so good to be the saver instead of the saved, until some of her other classmates caught on and told her exactly why she shouldn’t be playing the prince.

Even in middle and high school, Taissa was never bothered when she didn’t get asked to dances or to go on dates on the weekends. In fact, she was more bothered when she did get asked. She went on a date with a boy in 8th grade, just because all of her friends were giving her shit for being the last one to have their first kiss. She felt queasy just thinking about it, like her insides were all twisted up, but she went anyway. When he kissed her in the back of the movie theater, she didn’t hesitate to run for the bathroom and lock herself in a stall.

She wasn’t sure if she felt like sobbing or throwing up and she was absolutely positive that none of her friends felt this way after having their first kiss. She decided to table that thought for later and call her mom to come get her. She made up a story about feeling sick (it was only a half lie, really) and laid in her bed, staring at the ceiling for the whole night.

After that, she’d decided that romantic love just must not be for her. She’d lie to her friends about thinking some completely unattainable guy in their grade is cute. She turned down guys that asked her on dates and to dances, making up some excuse about being busy that night or having some kind of soccer thing to attend to. It helped her get by without too many questions, but she often wondered if she was broken.

She’d started noticing girls in her grade in the way that she thought most of her friends noticed boys when she was in 9th grade. She’d decided they were much better to look at, but only allowed herself short glances. She wasn’t quite ready to deal with what it meant yet, so she pushed those thoughts down when they arose and continued to believe that she was broken, though all her friends told her that her time would come, she just couldn’t bring herself to believe it.

When she moved to Wiskayok HIgh, her problems only seemed to worsen. Being the new girl meant attention, attention from teachers trying to catch her up to speed, girls trying to figure out if she’d be a friend or a threat, and boys trying to scope out the “fresh meat” in the dating pool. So Tai decided to own it. She decided to show these people she now called peers that she was smart, driven, and bold. She spoke up to answer every question that was put out there by her teachers and chose the front seat in every class. She got some sideways looks about it all, but she didn’t care or at least she tried not to look like she cared.

On her first day of soccer practice, Tai was introduced to the team as they all stood in front of her in a cluster. She’d recognized most of them from some of her classes and could tell who was friends with who just by looking at them. She vaguely remembered seeing one particular redhead, in her English class, maybe? She couldn’t help but notice the way her auburn hair shone in the sunlight and how her freckles dotted her cheeks and arms like stars in the sky. She looked away almost as soon as her eyes settled on her. The two became fast friends when the redhead made some kind of quip about one of the girls on their team being uptight and peppy, Jackie, Taissa thinks was her name.

They continued to get closer and closer as the season and school year went on. They often went straight from school or practice to get food or sat in Taissa’s bedroom to watch movies and listen to music. They’d show up and leave parties together, pair up for group projects, and lend each other annotated books with their thoughts and feelings scribbled on the pages.

The only problem was what Taissa was beginning to suspect is a crush. Of course, she’d admired girls in her grade before, but they’d never been girls that had meant anything to her. Most times, she barely uttered a word to the girls that caught her eye. She’d admired them for a second in passing before looking away and most times, she’d never see them again.

With Van, it was different. She’d gotten to study her inside and out. She knew Van’s favorite movies and why they were her favorite, she knew why she gets physically sick when she looks at peas, and how making mixtapes is her love language. She also knew how her hair looked splayed across her purple pillowcase at sleepovers. She knew how her pale red eyelashes brushed her freckles as she slept and how it felt to lay her head on Van’s chest and shoulder, a warm, freckled arm wrapped around her back. She knew Van intimately, almost as well as she knew herself.

Van made her feel what she only assumed her classmates felt with the boys they spoke of. She felt a warmth in her chest upon feeling Van’s warm hand in her own, she gets butterflies in her stomach when Van smiles that smile that she pretends is reserved for her, and she loses her breath when Van’s shirt rides up and a patch of pale, freckled skin is revealed. She tried not to think about these things when they occurred. She loved the feelings that Van elicited from her, though she wasn’t quite ready to confront them.

She continued to make up some dumb excuses when boys from school asked her out, but she found herself wishing it were Van asking her instead. She thought that would solve her problems, but she knew the real problem was within her. She wished she was as confident and bold when it came to her feelings for Van as people thought she was with everything else.

Taissa Turner thought she wasn’t interested in love, that it was overrated and ultimately not in the cards for her. She knows now that love just looks a bit different for her than it does for everyone else. She may not be ready to deal with that now, but she knows she will be one day and she hopes that Van Palmer will be the one to show her what she was missing out on.

#yellowjackets showtime #yellowjackets fanfic #yellowjackets #taissa turner #van palmer #taissa loves van #van loves taissa but she doesn't know it yet #wlw fanfic #wlw #showtime #teen taissa #teen van #set in the 90s timeline pre crash #give tai a hug #no dialogue #character study

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smootbrainchicken · 10 months ago

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Without me

Part 1

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I can see it even now, the road under him, cars rushing around trying to get home, the streetlight on his face, his hair falling in halos around his head, the bliss of the moment.

Don’t do it please. Just stay put. Please. Don’t trust it.

I can beg all that I want but the ending always stays the same.

Oh why did you have to be without me?

September 2, 2024

Monday morning, the first day of junior year, I genuinely never thought I would get here after the crap I went through last year. During the last week of school last year I made a choice to leave my friend group, it was a big deal at the time because believe it or not I was part of the “popular” girls so when I left my, now best friend Daniela Jenkins or Danni, went with me. Obviously the whole school was up in our space trying to figure out what the hell happened for the cool kids to lose two members, and honestly it’s not that deep, those people are shallow, only care about how they look in others eyes, pretty, sexy, sassy, funny, girly, helpless, you get the point.

Danni and I were not informed of some major switches in our group because apparently we weren’t fitting “the ideal look” of the group, so we left. I remember exactly what I said to the “leader” of the group Allison.

“Look, I'm not interested in being one of your puppets that you drag along until you need me. If you don’t like me and don’t want to be my friend that’s fine but don’t make up stupid excuses like “i don’t fit the look” honestly nobody actually likes you they’re just scared of you, and how you will make their life hell if they stopped following you around.”

It might have been a little harsh, but she needed to hear it and the rest of the group needed to know it was okay to not fall in line behind her meaninglessly. She was also dating the boy I had the fattest crush on, so I might have been a little unnecessarily mean, but that doesn’t really matter anymore because they broke up over summer and I took my chance. That makes me seem shallow. I didn't just swoop in while he was hurting and ask him out because he was finally free of that brat of a girlfriend he had, I'm not that girl. Instead i waited 3 weeks then asked if he wanted to go to a small get together, a party, with me. Theo and I have been neighbors for our whole lives, so it’s not that strange that I would talk to him outside of school hallways. He said yes to me and one thing led to another and we were hanging out all the time, at least twice a week over the summer.

Me being me I knew that i couldn’t just go up and date him, not after the stunt i pulled with Allison at school. They aren’t dating anymore but he has been accepted into the male side of that friend group so he is still… salty, I guess about her. By the end of August I thought I had made great progress with him and was finally ready to ask him out on a date, when he totally friend-zoned me. He told me that I was his best friend and he is glad we started talking again after drifting apart in 8th, 9th, and 10th grade. Great, I’ve been best friended, exactly not what I wanted, but we will make it work. For the sake of my little middle school self and her crush on Theo I can't screw this up.

I am in my little black sports car my mom bought for me last christmas for all of 30 seconds before I remember that I forgot to grab my lunch off of the counter. Everyday for the past 11 years my mom has reminded me to grab my lunch before school while she watches the cartoon reruns on the TV, not anymore because half way through summer my parents decided to be selfish and cheat on eachother. And I do mean each other, they accidentally booked the same hotel for the same night with their side pieces, they ran into each other there and when I got home the next day I was told they are getting divorced. After it was finalized rather than go to court about it they just said i would live in the house with whomever stays there, that ended up being my dad, it’s not like I’m mad about it i love my dad but mom and i had a rhythm and now she just buys me stuff like that’s parenting.

I ran into the house and got my lunch bag then ran back out to my car. Danni got into a wreck last month so her car is totaled and i've been picking her up a lot ever since, so naturally i have to pick her up from school today too. I'm about to pull out of the driveway when I see Theo waving and jogging towards me. I roll down the window to say hi but he gets over to me faster and opens up the passenger door.

“I'm so sorry to ask but would you mind taking me to school today? Mom’s car won’t start so she took mine and dad already left for work-” he’s talking super fast as if he’s scared i'll say no to him. Except he doesn’t know that I can't say no to him, not when he bats his pretty gray eyes at me, and has his pink lips parted ever so slightly cause he ran over here.

“No, of course I'll take you. Just hop in, we have to pick up Danni so i’ve got to go now though” oh no, i agreed to quickly. Maybe he won’t notice it or maybe he will just not read into it too far.

He face relaxes as soon as the words left my mouth, “You are a lifesaver seriously I owe you Lyd,”

“I'll hold you to that” I laughed at him, “but for real i need to go so in or out?”

“In. I'm in, don’t want you to be late. Lydia May Vandyke, ms. perfect, never missed a class or been late in her whole school career.” he teases.

I scoff as I pull out of the driveway and drive towards Danni’s house, “Oh you know that’s not true, I got chicken pox in 5th grade and missed a whole week of school. We went on a field trip to the aquarium and I cried because I had to miss it so you brought me back a stuffed shark to make me feel better.”

“Oh yeah that’s right and everyone at school kept asking if you were my girlfriend and if you were dying.” he laughs softly at the memory.

The rest of the ride to Danni's is mainly in silence, but not the suffocating kind; it was a soft comfortable silence, like old friends just enjoying each other's presence after being across the ocean from each other. When she gets into the car she looks at me and raises her eyebrows, a clear sign of confusion and questioning. I shake my head towards her hoping she will drop it for now so I can explain the situation to her without the main subject in the room with us. Danni is the type of person to be quiet around people she’s not super close with, so the ride to school consists of me talking to them individually rather than a group conversation until the topic of Allison is brought up.

Theo is finally at the point where we can talk about Allison and he talks about all the shit she put him through rather than how much he misses her and how he wishes she had given more signs before ending it with him, but when Danni brings up the fact that we have nowhere to sit because we are not friends with her anymore and he gets visibly tense. Danni sees it and gets an idea.

“So…? Are you going to sit with the B.I.O.T.C.H. today?” she asks in an accusatory tone.

Theo spins around in his seat to look at her as soon as the words have left her mouth, “Who is the biotch?”

Danni laughs and says, “Oh that’s Allison.”

“B.I.O.T.C.H. is an acronym, Beast of burden, Inbred, Oxygen thief, Twitter feminist, Coffee slurper, Hypocrite." I explained, inserting myself into their conversation.

“Well jeez you guys, that's a little harsh. And though it doesn’t matter, yes I was planning on sitting with my friends today,” I can’t quite tell if he’s offended over the way we talk about her or if he’s just not putting up with our bullshit.

“Don’t get snappy, I was just asking” Danni raises her hands in mock surrender.

He hangs his head is small defeat, “I know, it’s just been a long day”

I turn into the school parking lot, “It’s not even 8 o'clock hun”

He mimics me in a silly voice, “I’m aware of the time Lydia”

“Ok, ok” I laughed softly, “Keep your eyes peeled people, we need to get a good parking spot.

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This is part one of hopefully many, please let me know what you think it would be greatly appreciated. Bye lovelies <3

#original character #original #writers on tumblr #writing #high school #original post #any and all #feedback

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singdreamchild · 1 year ago

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An Alliance Forged || Cassius & Elora

Location: A Latte to Love

Timing: October 8th, midday

Parties: Cassius (@singdreamchild) & Elora (@contemporarybardess)

Summary: Elora sits across from Cassius at a crowded Latte to Love. They discuss their own histories with the town. But more importantly, they discuss the idea of venturing to a sentient haunted house together.

Content Warnings: None

The fall semester was just starting to hit full swing and UMWR students seemed to be swarming all of the local shops and restaurants near campus. Normally, Elora didn’t mind a crowd. But as she came into her favorite coffee shop, A Latte to Love, she saw it was absolutely packed with students sitting at tables with their laptops out. This was normally a place for her to relax and maybe get a bit of work done, but now it seemed that there wasn’t even a spot for her to sit down.

As she awkwardly maneuvered through the crowd, she kept an eye out for any tables that may have had a vacancy. She made her way to the counter and paid for her drink, considering taking her coffee on the go and trying to work from home today. But her ratty apartment hadn’t felt much like home, and the local noise and excitement that seemed to be in unending supply in Worm’s Row would make focusing nearly impossible. She figured she’d rather take her chances with the college kids.

As she stepped away from the counter, she saw a booth that was only occupied on one side. The man at the table had his laptop open and seemed as though he didn’t want to be bothered. He was pale, with blonde hair. He certainly didn’t look like anybody she was used to seeing in the south, so she debated taking the risk of interrupting the man. However, she decided that coming to this town was about new beginnings and making friends with other people who were “special” like her.

“Excuse me”, Elora said, sliding into the other side of the booth. “I don’t usually invade people’s space like this but…” she trailed off, gesturing at the crowded coffee shop around them. “I’m just going to try and see if I can get some work done, I’ll try not to bug you too much, if that’s alright”.

It was crowded, and Cassius had never been one for crowds. Still, he had gotten there before the rush picked up and packed the place, and he was in the middle of grading answers to the reading questions for the chapter he had assigned to his students. He had put his earbuds in to drown out the sounds, letting the song he was listening to keep him sane from the amount of people that were talking around him. He was having a hard time controlling his hunger lately, and he had to fake himself breathing instead of actually doing so, mostly because he didn’t trust himself.

In recent weeks, he had found himself going through the motions of his life instead of truly living. Grade homework, go to work, sleep. He didn’t need the sleep of course, but he found that he’d rather not deal with the real world for as long as possible, and he couldn’t get himself to focus on a book and certainly couldn’t get himself to write. That day, however, he was finding himself at Latte to Love, he had switched it up on himself to at least appear as something other than what he truly was.

Cassius found himself frowning at the lyrics of the song that was playing in his ears,

Someone switched off our innocence, (our) excitement, our joy of life

Where has it gone? When'd it begun?

Who do we have to blame for what is lost?

He quickly paused the song, finding it was hitting a bit too close to home in that current moment. In that moment, he saw a figure walk up to him. He blinked, looking up to see the woman before him. He pulled an earbud out of his ear to hear her better. “Oh, yeah go for it.” He spoke, pulling his grading pile closer to himself as to not take up the entire table. “Seems like a lot of people had the same idea today.” He remarked, referring to the plethora of college students that were getting their work done.

“If you feel the urge to bug me, I do not mind.” He then said, only half paying attention as his focus drifted back to his laptop, which he was using to enter the grade of the assignment to each student as he finished. Mostly good grades, seeing as how he was currently working on the AP assignments as opposed to the freshman.

The man welcoming her to sit down was a relief to Elora, the last thing she wanted to be was a nuisance to anybody.

“School’s back in session. I guess that means the whole student body is going to start hanging around here a lot more often. Which I suppose means I have to either get used to the crowd or find a different place to get some work done.” She looked over at the man and flashed a quick smile.

She had to admit, despite all of the crazy things that happen in this town, the people here all seemed to be good. For the most part, at least. Mack, Monty, and Ariadne all seemed to be good hearted people, but each with a story and secrets that went much deeper than the surface. This man, in spite of looking like an extra who wandered off of the Twilight set, also seemed to have a good nature about him.

“Good to know, but I’ll keep the bugging to a minimum.” She then extended her hand out to the man. “Elora Spiros, I’m still kinda new here. You are?”

Cassius sighed at the mention of school, nodding his head. Serves him right for deciding to settle down in a town that had a college on its grounds. He had only done it to himself, in the end. “Don’t I know it,” he muttered with a shake of his head. “I’m a high school teacher.” He explained with a shrug of his shoulder. “I usually hang out at Masque of the Red Eye,” he then spoke. “College kids find it a strange place to study, but I decided to switch it up today.” He looked around, realizing how foolish of an idea it had been. Stick to what you know, Hawthorne, he thought to himself.

He looked down to the hand, having half a mind to just stare at her in response, but sucked it up and shook her hand. “Cassius Hawthorne,” He responded before dropping her hand. “I’ve lived here for ten years. So if you have any questions about the town, I’m sure I could answer.” He gave a polite smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He wasn’t quite sure why he was volunteering himself to show the girl around, but the words had already left his mouth.

Inwardly, he cursed to himself. So much of who he was fought against what he needed to be. Naturally friendly, that was him. But it put him in danger. The more people he knew, the more people that could find out what he was. And he couldn’t have that.

The Masque of the Red Eye…she had heard of that place before. Lloid had mentioned that it was where “all the brooding goth types like to hang out at”. He also mentioned it’s a hotbed for blood suckers. Now that she knew that there were undead in this town, she couldn’t help but wonder if there were vampires here too as well as zombies. She eyed her new acquaintance a bit suspiciously, but decided he couldn’t be a vampire since it was daylight and he wasn’t currently a giant ball of fire.

“Masque of the Red Eye definitely sounds…quieter. It’s not my usual vibe but maybe I should check it out.”

“I appreciate the offer, I’ll let you know if I have any questions. Oh well, here’s one.” She leaned in a bit closer to him. “Is there something in the water here? I mean other than a ton of microplastics. I feel like half the people I meet are batshit crazy and the other half seem completely unfazed by it all.”

She looked over at the college students, who all seemed to be fresh faced teens. Probably an incoming freshman class. She wondered if they knew about the rumors surrounding this town or the fact that they’re all true. She thought about how many students at the university dropped out or transferred schools early on. She tried not to think about how many have gone mysteriously missing.

The vampire shrugged his shoulder again, giving a half-smile. “No, it’s not a lot of people’s vibe. But they have a good open-mic night for poetry that I like to attend on occasion,” he explained as he rubbed the back of his neck. Cassius tucked the recently graded paper to the bottom of his pile before picking the papers up and neatening his pile before setting them back down.

Her question caught him off-guard. It was certainly a right of passage when moving to Wicked’s Rest, to realize that where one moved turned out to be full of supernatural beings. Whether the individual that moved there knew that it was supernatural in nature, well, that remained to be known. “Ah, yes.” Cassius took a sip of his coffee, trying to put off answering it as much as possible. He stared down at the cup for a long moment, trying to figure out what to say. “There’s a lot of curious individuals that live in this town, curioser still are the creatures that call Wicked’s Rest their habitat as well.” He decided to be vague, it was easier than being labeled a crazy person for admitting there was magic at play.

He didn’t know much about the creatures that existed, but Cassius had seen enough to know that nothing really surprised him anymore. He shrugged both his shoulders, giving a sheepish smile. “Afraid I don’t know anything other than that. Just watch yourself at night and stick to marked paths when walking the nature trails and you should be just fine.”

The concept of an open mic night intrigued Elora. While she had never written much poetry, and certainly didn’t consider herself to be good, she was at least interested in listening to other people.

She noticed him tuck some papers underneath a pile and saw red ink towards the top of each sheet. While she hadn’t been through schooling, she had watched enough movies and television to know what red marks on a paper meant.

“Teaching high school must be hard. You come here to grade papers, I assume? I hope they’re good, I’ve heard stories of some pretty awful work students turn in sometimes.”

“What sort of creatures are we talking about? I’m interested in knowing what types of animals or…others live here. I’ve heard plenty of stories of the otherworldly.”

She took his word of caution with interest , although couldn’t help but note it had come just a bit too late.

“I’ll have to keep that warning in mind. Unfortunately some of the shadier people in this town already got to me once, I’ll try to make sure it doesn’t happen again, though, thank you! I’m sure if you’ve been here 10 years you must have been roughed up yourself a few times, right?”

Cassius nodded his head in response to her assumption. “I’m either writing or grading papers when I go to a coffee shop. Separating my living and working spaces helps keep my mind in one place.” He explained, pointing to his head for emphasis. “This paper is for my AP students. I don’t really have the freshman students write papers. They get PowerPoint instead.” He waved a hand in dismissal. “Worst paper I’ve ever received was a plagiarized essay. Or the ones that get put into a word changer and make them sound all weird.”

He then frowned, not knowing how to describe creatures that shouldn’t exist to someone. “Honestly? I don’t rightly know.” He decided to say. “Sometimes I feel like my eyes have played tricks on me. Others, well… let’s just say I’ve gotten up close and personal with them.” He gave a terse smile. “Like birds with human-looking teeth.” He widened his eyes and raised his brows at the mention of the toothed birds. “Honestly, I feel crazy when I talk about it.” He added on, not knowing if she’d be willing to believe him or not. Still, he found that he didn’t really care if she did.

The vampire frowned as the woman said she had been attacked. Unfortunately, it wasn’t uncommon. “That’s why I make sure I keep something on me while living in a town like this.” He spoke, patting his pant pocket that held his knife. It wasn’t much, but it worked in a pinch. Luckily, he had only needed to use it once. Otherwise, he kept to himself to stay out of harm’s reach. “Only once, and it was recent,” Cassius explained with a shrug of his shoulder. “I tend to try and keep to myself. Especially in a town like this.”

Elora nodded in response to what the man in front of her was saying. “I’m sure the AP students’ papers are a lot nicer to read. I never understood the need to cheat at something. I mean, if you skate by and ‘achieve’ something without earning it, does it even really mean anything?” A formal education was never something Elora had available to her as a child, as she had lived a fairly isolated life. While she could read and write now, it was only at about a 4th grade level. Still, she had come that far completely on her own. Hearing this man speak of writing and poring through many pages of essays in a single afternoon certainly made her feel much smaller in comparison, but she never let her expression reflect that.

“A bird with human teeth?” She answered incredulously, also wondering if a siren could be considered a form of bird with human teeth. If that were the case, maybe she could find some form of kinship after all? She knew many sirens and other creatures living in their own communities had heard of the siren girl who sold her entire colony down the river for a boy. But she still held out hope that any sirens that were here would be understanding and willing to give her a chance at redemption.

“Honestly, that’s not crazy at all. Seems more tame than some other stories I’ve heard here. Did you hear about the apples with faces on them? Or the houses that have a mind of their own? I mean those all seem pretty ‘out there’ to me. But at the same time, I’d love to see something like that firsthand. Wouldn’t you? I mean a haunted house is one thing, but one that can think? You go to sit on the couch and it’s just pulled away right from under you? I think it’d be kind of a charming experience.” She had to admit she had an unusual definition of “charming”.

“Believe me,” she said, her voice growing a bit quieter, causing her to lean in a bit more. “I’ve kept protection on me ever since.” She casually palmed the knife she had looted off of the ranger who attacked her over its holster. She had never considered herself to be a graverobber, but it wasn’t as if the man had any need for it anymore.

“I hope it didn’t do any serious damage to you, and I’m glad you’re okay.” She resisted the urge to attempt making a fist with her left hand, something she often tried to do whenever she thought of her injury. It served as a physical reminder that her injury was real and she had not, in fact, hallucinated it all in some bad dream. “Does it get lonely? Keeping to yourself all the time? I mean, I’m all for safety, but I also need people. Some kind of human interaction, you know what I mean?”

Cassius took a drink from his long-forgotten coffee cup, then nodded his head. “The AP students actually try with their papers,” he explained. “As opposed to the freshman students who think they can get away with a paper written by an AI.” He rolled his eyes, thinking back to the countless papers he had gotten that were too well-written to be written by thirteen and fourteen-year-olds.

“Apples with faces? Now you’re talking.” Cassius couldn’t help but roll his eyes at such a creature. Nothing surprised him anymore, not after all the weird shit he’d seen over the years. “Oh, sentient houses.” He nodded his head, pursing his lips. “Sure, why not?” He narrowed his gaze at her as she spoke of wanting actually to experience such a thing. “You and I have very different ideas of a good time.” He remarked, raising a brow at the woman. “How about you experience the living house and report back to me with your findings?” He suggested with his brows raised. Thank you very much. He wasn’t stepping near anything of the sort.

His amused face fell to a soft frown, nodding his head slowly as she spoke to the lengths she had to go to to keep herself safe. He recalled the first time he had to use a knife. It left him shaking. “I’m more experienced in things than I look.” He said vaguely in response. “I’ve learned a trick or two to keep myself safe.” He didn’t say that he got very lucky and ended up being saved at the last second by someone else.

His gaze fell to his hands. Did he get lonely? Of course, he did. But after spending the past fifty years being careful not to get too close to anyone, the pang of loneliness had long faded into an avoidable background noise. In recent months, he had found himself growing closer to people. Still, he couldn’t help but think of the dangers of doing so. “The loneliness becomes a companion after a while,” he answered quietly. “I have a small few that I speak with. I try to keep it small.” He forced an awkward smile as if to say that it didn’t bother him. And truthfully, it didn’t. Not anymore, anyway.

As she heard of freshman students throwing away their chance at a quality education, Elora couldn’t help but feel a flash of anger well up. If she had been given the chance, she felt she would have taken advantage as much as she could have. But then again, she couldn’t say with any certainty exactly what she would do. Those who were granted privileges tended to overlook them.

“Well you’re no fun” she chided playfully. “If the house eats me because there’s nobody there to protect me, I’m blaming you!”

She took a moment to assess the man in front of her. He didn’t exactly look like the type who could hold his own in a fight. If she was being honest, it looked as if he’d barely needed to use his hands for anything beyond writing for most of his life. Not exactly the spitting image of a rough and tumble survivalist, but she had come to learn already that nothing is as it seems in this town.

“Well I’m glad you’ve picked up a few tricks, maybe I can learn a few myself. Or maybe I should keep to myself more, like you said to do. At least until I get a feel for whose friendly and who isn’t.”

She hadn’t wanted to live an isolated life. That wasn’t why she came to this town in the first place. She had heard of odd creatures and many layers of mystery, but she wasn’t quite prepared for the level of hostility the town had presented right out of the gate. There really wasn’t much sense in trying to make friends if they were all trying to kill you, was there? Still, she couldn’t give up hope now. She was nearly out of money completely, she couldn’t afford to run off somewhere else. Besides, she had done nothing but run for the past 8 years. She was tired of it.

“I’m glad you keep a select few in your circle at least. It’s better than complete isolation. There are some more friendly people here then? I’ve met a few already that I trust, but I’m always open to meeting more. Need as many allies as you can get in this town, right?”

Giving an amused smile at the woman’s reaction, Cassius ran a hand across his face idly. “If you’re looking for the adventurous type, I’m afraid you’re barking up the wrong tree.” He remarked, that same smile still lingering despite the truth of his words. He would sooner run than interact with something that could get him into trouble. It’s what he was conditioned to do. “I’m sure you can find several people that would be more than happy to go adventuring into a conscious and very haunted house with you.”

Cassius hummed, staring down at his hands. Picking up tricks was a strong way of putting it. More staying out of harm’s way and getting extremely lucky was more like it. Having a strong elder vampire backing your every move seemed to help things. “It’s a double-edged sword,” he began to explain. “On one hand, you have less of a chance of running into trouble, because you’re avoiding it entirely.” He adjusted his sitting position as he spoke, sitting up straighter as he crossed one leg over the other. “On the other, however, it’s a lonely world. And we as people are social creatures by nature, and can only withstand that for so long.”

He looked down to his work that was in front of him, and shook his head. “Don’t be like me, make friends and take risks.” He pointed a finger in her direction with raised brows. “Allies,” he echoed with a hollow expression. He had been recruiting more allies as of late, even ones that he would have rather run away from than actually align himself with. Desperate times, and all that. He thought about extending that circle, and it scared him. The idea of allowing himself to potentially get close to more people than he already had was daunting, but he was certainly getting better at it in recent months, so he had to give himself credit for that. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it after a few seconds. He couldn’t get himself to put himself out there more than he already had.

Just as Elora had suspected, the pale man in front of her was cautious to a fault. Boring. What was the point of survival if you couldn’t enjoy your life? Still, she could appreciate his outlook on life. Keep a small circle and keep your head down; it didn’t seem like bad advice. Just not advice she felt like taking.

Just as she was thinking how a lonely life simply wouldn’t do for her, she heard Cassius imploring her to put herself out there. She couldn’t help but feel caught off guard by his expression when the word “allies” came up. She wasn’t necessarily asking him for an alliance right there on the spot, more generally speaking on needing more friends to help bail her out when she made bad choices.

Yet something gave the man pause, almost as if he did want to form some sort of alliance or friendship with her. She figured their conversation was interesting enough and seemed like a genuinely good person. Plus, he had been a resident of this town for quite some time, he probably knew plenty of its secrets. That, to her, seemed like a very fun guy to keep around! Even if he didn’t want to explore any of those secrets with her.

“I’ll tell you what,” she began, leaning in closer to the man. By now, the noise surrounding them had died down considerably, so they were able to speak at a normal volume again. “If you accept my alliance, I’ll sweeten the pot.” She looked at the man for a considerable amount of time, wondering just what she could sweeten the pot with. She didn’t exactly have anything to offer. “Actually, no I won’t. I…honestly don’t bring much to the table. But I’d still like to be friends!”

Cassius let out a huff of laughter as she admitted that she had nothing to bring to the table. This woman, she was blunt with what she wanted. Cassius? Well, he was still trying to learn to make friends. After centuries of being taught to stay away from people for his own safety, it was hard to break that. Still, it couldn’t… couldn't hurt, right? The corners of his mouth twitched into a frown, though he was careful to school his features before doubt and wariness took over.

“I don’t… usually stick my neck out for complete strangers.” He answered honestly, staring down at his hands. “And I’m still trying to break out of this shell I’ve made.” He paused, interlocking his fingers, then resting his chin down on them. He didn’t know how to let someone down gently. He didn’t get involved in things that would get him into trouble.

But…

He thought back to a conversation he had with Inge, and he sighed, shutting his eyes as he realized he was getting far too wreckless lately. “You want to see a haunted, sentient house?” He asked, bringing back up the previous conversation. “Fine. I’ll… go… with you.” He bit out, fighting his better nature that wanted to stay home with a good book. “Seeing as how you’ll probably go anyway, this way we can see just how much trouble you like to get yourself into.” Cassius forced a smile onto his face, and it showed.

“I’m sure you bring plenty to the table, don’t sell yourself short.” He then spoke, waving a hand at her dismissively. He looked around to see if anyone was listening in, but everyone either had headphones in or was sucked into their own conversations. “I bring supernatural strength to the table,” he spoke to her in a serious tone. “Though that comes with drawbacks.” He pointed to the window, specifically at the overcast sky. “Despite my being out during the day, the sun is not my friend.” He raised a brow, looking at her intently. “Catch my drift?”

To Elora’s surprise, Cassius had… agreed? To go to the haunted house with her? She couldn’t help but wonder why he had the sudden change in attitude. Maybe she’d convinced him take a walk on the wild side for a change. She couldn’t help but flash a big warm smile at him in approval.

“You won’t be disappointed, trust me. I’m not completely useless in defending myself either. I do appreciate you sticking your neck out for me though.”

She couldn’t help but give the man another appraisal when he mentioned super strength. By her assessment, he barely looked strong enough to carry a gallon of milk. Then he spoke further, bringing up certain quirks that sounded all too familiar to her. A vampire out in broad daylight, she didn’t think it was possible. She thought the only vampires who could do that were of the sparkly variety. Then she made note of his dark clothing and lack of exposed skin and put two and two together. She considered herself lucky this one was friendly and not hungry.

“You’re a…” she said in disbelief, before stopping herself. She knew better than to make a scene, and the last thing she wanted to do was blow her new friend’s cover. “It must be hard getting dressed in the morning when you can’t look at yourself. Also must suck cooking with a garlic allergy. I love garlic.” She nodded, and gave a knowing raise of her eyebrow.

“Your secret is safe with me, Mr. Hawthorne. But I’ll hold you to that haunted house visit. After all, I’d love to see that super strength in action. And maybe ask you some more questions about…people like yourself. If you wouldn’t mind? I happen to be special, myself. I have a very slender, almost bird like figure, an enthralling voice, and tend to be VERY persuasive. If you catch my drift.”

The vampire chuckled despite himself, ducking his head as she lamented about the loss of garlic. “I’ve grown used to it.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Not that I can’t eat garlic, it just… produces unwanted side effects,” he explained with a wave of his hands. He knew the more people he told, the more he put himself at risk, but he found that he was tired of hiding all the time. Maybe Elora wasn’t so bad, seeing as she had taken the news with curiosity and fascination over fear and disgust. Maybe she wouldn’t be a bad ally, after all.

“Hopefully I won’t need to use it,” he grumbled in response, rolling his eyes. “Hopefully we won’t encounter anything too crazy while there.” He spoke, hoping that he was right. Man, this was a bad idea. Still, there was that voice in the back of his mind that demanded he live a little. He nodded his head slowly as she explained that she, herself, wasn’t all that she appeared. He wasn’t sure what exactly she was, but he was sure he would find out when they exchanged questions. “I’m unfamiliar, but I’m sure we can discuss our… conditions further when we’re trapped in a sentient building.” He widened his eyes and raised his brows as he spoke. “What could possibly go wrong?”

#An Alliance Forged #threads #contemporarybardess #t;contemporarybardess

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big-pp-energy-ven · 1 year ago

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This is just a miscellaneous post of my inner rants, I expect no one to engage with this other than myself when I find this post in like 5 years from now

Based on the previous reblog where it was poll on what kind of gay I was in high school, I was a choir kid (derogatory)

I say derogatory because,,, I had mix feelings about it.

I got into choir in 7th grade middle school, and was in choir up until 12th grade of high school (excluding the covid year, I was online). That's almost 5 years of choir.

Those first 3 years were alright, I might even say great. I had pretty good directors, I especially liked my 8th grade director- excusing that one time she yelled at me tho and made me cry... (maybe).

Middle school choir was about what you expect, I feel like it wasn't all that serious. No proper techniques, just... singing to the crowd. The only shit that was a constant issue was drama amongst the clique of 11-13 year olds. My 8th grade director was great cuz she gossiped with us and she fr kinda ate... she was a middle aged latina woman who had a new jersey accent... loved how real she was.

Then I get to high school choir, and of course everything is different. The director, who we called "Mama", was the sweetest woman and she made choir the best for me. She was like my 8th grade director but more sassier and a loud mouth (affectionate)

You might be saying- what was so bad about choir?

All I will say, the one thing that Mama would get on our asses about whenever we weren't meeting her expectations was attitude and egos. I've seen how some my classmates acted... she was right in most cases.

Something to admit, right off the bat, being in choir for those 3 years was the 2nd time I had ever felt lonely. I mean, 10th grade concert choir, is when I made friends with people I'm currently friends with now! It's funny because I remember seeing how my buddies interacted and I thought they were weird... but then I gradually warmed up to them and realized that I was just as weird.. (that's on that neurodivergent behavior).

While I did make friends with those weirdos (affectionate), I recognized that I spent most of my time alone. Quiet and just watching the other choir students talk and stuff. Whenever someone did talk to me, I remained friendly and said hi, but it always felt kind of forced. Like I couldn't exactly hold a long-lasting conversation. I think I spent more time listening/watching than actually talking. I did have to force myself to talk to people and be a part of a group, I didn't wanna be completely alone. Even in 12th grade, I tried my best to put myself out there... but there weren't a lot of people I vibed with except maybe like 5 of them (there were at least 50 people, btw).

I was in the beginner choir for 2 years, I was supposed to go to the bella voce (all women's) choir my 11th grade year, but covid happened...

So it was surprising when I was chucked in chamber (advanced) in 12th grade. You had to audition and do an interview to get in, and you would be added according to the schedule. Mama always found a way to get in you in multiple choirs... but I was surprised when I was put in there, cuz I didn't have to do any of it.

Mama always mentioned how she saw the best in us and knew who was hard working. Me, however, didn't see that.

I think that's when I started to develop imposter syndrome or at least started to notice it. I felt like I didn't belong in chamber. Everyone in there were great singers and were in theater as well. I know I shouldn't have been comparing myself, but it's kinda hard when you're surrounded by so much talent

I remember we were having a discussing and Mama was asking if we saw ourselves as an ensemble (a person who works collectively with their group) or a soloist (someone who's having a performance of their own... /negative). Most answered ensemble. I answered soloist, and when I explained my own reasoning, I said something like "It's not that I'm intentionally singing alone, I don't feel like I'm apart of the ensemble and I'm my own island." Mama took note of that.

I worked to better my vocals, I sang during karaoke days, and I was considered one of the strongest altos in my section, but I still felt like I wasn't trying hard enough. Senior year had become a weird period where choir became my least favorite class unlike before... I didn't hate it, but it became something I didn't look forward to.

The rehearsals felt monotonous, the drama felt constant, the current state of the world was no longer the same, and I had to worry about passing, so choir wasn't my top priority exactly. I still did what I needed to do during those last 40 minutes of the day, but outside of choir, I was focused on other stuff.

My friends were either in different choirs or were doing dual enrollment, so I was alone for the most part in that class period. Yes, I had friends outside of choir, but I only saw them during lunch. I feel like senior year was lonely... that 1 hour lunchtime didn't seem like enough time.

Now, MPA (basically a choir exam) was coming up, and we have these really advanced pieces we're performing. Mama, love her to death, was working us to the bone. She was harsh. She was critical, but I'd say it was mostly tough love... and this was also when the interpersonal drama started to ramp up, and she had gotten involved to some extent. A lot was happening now (..uh time frame, this was early 2022).

There was one day where the tension was... well tense. And Mama was not having it with us. I was stressed out of my mind at this point, I felt like I wasn't working hard enough, and it felt like I was experiencing the weight of the situation.

The rehearsal went on, and she distinctly told us, "You're gonna close your eyes and sing this right. If you open your eyes, then you aren't taking this seriously, and you don't have the right to be in this choir."

That, for some reason, got me. In the middle of the song, I got choked up and was so ridden with anxiety and sadness that I froze up. I was rubbing my pants' legs and shaking, all with my eyes closed. One of the guest teachers had to touch me to calm me down.

Of course, there was discussion afterward... I was put on the spotlight. I don't even remember what I said, but I spoke out how I felt about the performance. I was mess. I still think about that day because it makes me feel exhausted thinking about it. I remember how much I wanted to quit after that. It's been a year since that happened. I don't know why I felt so burdened during that rehearsal. It might've been due to my own fears of failing, I already had the constant thought of not being good enough and not belonging. I still don't know what set me off to this day.

I find it a little messed up to say that I was happy when I left choir and graduated. I remember seeing my choir mates crying and hugging the seniors. Meanwhile, I was just happy to get out of there. I did say goodbye to one of my favorite underclassmen. I felt no attachments to the choir anymore. The only reason why I cried is because it was due to seeing two of my favorite teachers front row (Mama and my English teacher). That got me, god.

Mama was a great teacher in terms of how she taught and lifted us up. Not only that, she was a good counselor... she was very vulnerable with us, and that, in turn, made us vulnerable with her, and she's the most supportive teacher on campus. I hope she still works there.

The only things I did enjoy from choir were the songs. I can remember a few of them. Also, I'll never forget that I listened to Ubi Caritas for 2 hours straight... I learned it, though. I can't listen to it, thought without feeling sad, as it reminds me of that rehearsal day.

My dad always asks if I'm still singing, and I would say not really... I mean, I do sing on occasion, but I still don't think I'm good. I don't see myself joining the singing career. I still have moments, though, where if/when I listen to someone sing, I listen to techniques and silently correct them. I'm glad I'm more focused on visual arts than performance arts... I was in tech theater though, that was fun.

Sorry for anyone that happened to read this entire mini Bible.. I've had this on my mind for a year.

#ven speaks #ven lore #choir kid (derogatory)#text post #story time #i still love choir music #i bump religious choir songs every so often #especially my old choir recordings...#i be throwing it back to Didnt my Lord.

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ugrowgirl · 2 years ago

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cw: body dysmorphia~

one thing i realized while doing a recent wardrobe purge was that, starting in my tweenagehood, i wore clothes that were sized too large because i believed my body was bigger than what it was. i didn't realize until now that my dysmorphic thoughts and behaviours about my body size started so early. it makes me sad to come to this understanding.

as a tween, i falsely believed that i couldn't be the size that i was because i thought that only girls much smaller than me could be that size. i remember i just guessed the clothing size that 'sounded and seemed right' based on my perception of sizes rather than what fitted best. now i can recall a pair of jeans, a blouse, a sweater, etc that were too loose when i bought it.

what made me realize this was when i tried on my 8th grade gown. this dress is a size too big for my adult body so it must have been at least two sizes too big on my smaller 14 year old body. idk how i managed to keep it on then since it's strapless. i wasn't near that large but somehow i believed i was compared to other girls. it's madness.

a few years back i made a post about a similar behaviour i had with bra sizing. as a teenager i delusionally thought i had the smallest ever chest so i bought the smallest bra size the stores carried. although my chest is small, it was never as small as i believed, because i was dysmorphic about it. i spilled out of the cups but i always made excuses for it, even though it was so clear. i didn't start wearing a properly fitting bra until after high school, when i was less mentally ill. btw, everyone check out 'abrathatfits calculator' !

moral of the story: challenge the firmly held beliefs you have about your body, the unkind ones might be total rubbish rooted in poor body image. ideas we have about sizes are ludicrous, just wear what is most comfortable to you. you deserve what fits you best. your body deserves respect at all states. perception vs reality can be a major discrepancy. industries rely on your insecurity but you rely on self compassion🖤

#text #body dysmorphia #body dysmorphia tw #body image #body confidence #body acceptance #clothes sizes #pp

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megareader93-aka-composcreator · 2 years ago

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Back in Middle School, around 8th grade i think, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I took some medicine for a while, but then stopped for 2 reasons.

1. The medication made my mouth dry and was a distraction. At least, that’s all I can remember. It was so longa go.

2. My dad convinced me that I was not actually ADHD. I just had an attitude problem. And for so long I veleived him, partly out of fear. Argueing with him never did any good. And he would jsut say that I was trying to use ADHD as an excuse of some sort.

Now that I am 29 years old and ahve full time, job as a teacher, I have to read about stufflike ADHD for work. And I can’t help bur feel lik I need to get rested again myself. but I am still hesitant to take that step.

I figure out I had ADHD last year, but I didn’t seek an official diagnosis and medication until this year. I’m 30 years old, my school days are long behind me. I slipped through the cracks because I have predominately inattentive type and I was a quiet little girl. Having ADHD does not mean you have to be hyperactive and loud, it means you have a processing problem in your brain that doesn’t allow you to regulate your focus or emotions.

Mental health even now is still taboo to talk about. People are more open now than ever about it however and that gives me hope.

This is a profoundly personal comic and it only reflects my own experience with ADHD. It is on a spectrum with a wide range of personalities. But if my story connects with someone else and helps them, that would mean the world to me.

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bunnychiffon · 13 days ago

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I'm gonna be super honest right now: I'm a furry. I have been since I was 10 years old (2020) and in middle school I was harassed, kicked down the stairs, sprayed water at, barked at, whipped with belts, thrown food at, and followed home. It got so bad that people in my old school went through the trouble of buying collars, leashes, and dog/cat food (even those without pets!) to make my life hell. I left after 7th grade and did 8th grade in a Catholic school (which was a healing experience to say the least. I felt actually so loved in that place.) They say, "act like an animal, get treated like an animal" and call us animal abusers for having a hobby that does no harm to ANYBODY; when they are the ones with the sick mentality of "act the part, be treated like the part" which they use as an excuse to bully us. It would be a shitty excuse even if we did believe we were animals, which we do not; If you hate us because we're "animal abusers", which we by definition art not, then why are you using that as an excuse to harm us? sounds like hypocrisy to me! All of that because of a few bad people out of the millions of members of this fandom. However, on the other hand, we don't make it any easier on ourselves. And by "we", I mean the bad furries. I remember last summer, when I was 13, I was in Tigermoon's/Street Animals Car Club's discord server and got death threats and various memes and stickers sent to me telling me to end my own life. All of that because I shared that I like Genshin Impact. Keep in mind 95% of that server are people older than 16, by the way. Which is weird, coming from the same people who are widely known for.. huh.. huge animal costumes..? Yeah, and then I'm the degenerate for playing a video game? Ok. We, the furries, defend ourselves by saying "let's not let some bad apples ruin the bunch!", and we, too caught up in our own "woe is me" and self-pity, forget that that same mentality goes for everyone. Getting bullied is absolutely not an excuse to be a bitch to anyone --- that goes for both Ben and the furries he met. Ben was sorely and terribly wrong to go about disrespecting the space and the time of others for his content/entertainment, but being violent and sending threats to that person? Absolutely atrocious. Do better, people. Tl;Dr: Some furries suck, all anti-furries suck, what Ben did was terrible, but the furries who threatened him were even worse. Do better, let's all just get along. (P.S for tumblr, not in my original comment: Ben = benoftheweek)

#originally a youtube comment #tbh proud of myself for writing all this #hell is a teenage girl #genshin impact #i need a lobotomy #furry #furry community #furries #furry art #furry fandom #anti furries suck #fuck anti furries #benoftheweek

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charcolor · 7 months ago

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didn't want to make that post about me so i'm posting it separately.

2014, after mike brown was murdered, was when i stopped standing for the pledge. (i was in 8th grade.) my homeroom teacher got mad at me for it, telling me nothing is more important than standing during the pledge.

i kept refusing and they called my parents.

my biodad came in my room while i was at his house, trying to convince me america is great and i should respect it by standing for the pledge. i told him about police brutality and mike brown. he told me mike brown was a criminal and his murderer was just doing his job as a cop, or something to that effect. i told him it wasn't true that he robbed a store (obviously, though, robbing a store wouldn't call for murder. even if i had thought to mention this he wouldn't have listened.), i showed him security footage posted online to prove it. he laughed at me for actually believing that, mocking me for thinking mike brown didn't deserve to die, which triggered a meltdown (i forget if i had started crying already, but i was definitely crying now) and i lightly kicked him in the gut.

i was 13 and small, he was 55 and big, so it didn't hurt him, but he immediately yanked on my leg and started smacking my backside while i was crying. as if he'd been waiting for an excuse, this wasn't physical abuse because i hit him first, all because he was trying to teach me that america is great. he took my kindle fire (which i used to access the internet, i didn't have a smartphone yet) and had me sit in the living room while waiting to go home to my mom's house. while i was waiting he put on some videos on his computer. i forget how many, one was about how great america is or something (might have just been the national anthem) and another "proving" that mike brown was a dangerous criminal who needed to be put to death.

later, during a therapy session (i believe right before i was sent to the psych ward) he told my therapist "i never said he deserved to die, just that he was asking for it." which is a statement that still baffles me.

when i turned 18 and no longer legally had to go to his house i cut all contact. unfortunately, even though i have his number blocked, he can still send texts. i have to see his overaffectionate hollow bullshit every time i happen to open my blocked messages.

i realized recently that being treated like that to this day makes me scared to talk to anyone. being laughed at and mocked by my biodad like that, while i was breaking down, made me scared of experiencing it again if i ever try to speak to adults about serious topics, like police brutality or the genocides in palestine and congo or fascism in general. i try to contribute in other ways, by donating and sharing posts and going to vigils (there are anti-war vigils in providence twice a week.) but actually confronting someone is too mortifying. i'm very ashamed of myself for that, i hope i get stronger someday, i'd be able to help more people.

a lot of times i think about how i outlived people like mike brown, how i was younger than them when they were murdered. he really was just a kid. he's supposed to be 28. it's not fair that he was murdered and everyone (well, everyone with power at least) forgot after a few months.

#sorry. i know this is too personal. i might delete this later.#antiblackness #irl death #child abuse #<- i don't consider myself to actually be a child abuse victim. but this stuff might be triggering for people who are

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tokidraws · 9 months ago

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To The Parents On This Website And Others In General:

I don't know if anyone on here needs to here this, but this is going to be a really long post regardless, because I'm going to try to fit the topics of my family dynamics and my almost suicide attempt and pair them together in some coherent way. So, in this post, I'm going to try and address some of the things that led me to that point, and things that my family (specifically parents) did to make it worse. And I'll admit I'm mostly posting this for my own benefit and peace of mind, but, to any of my family who might see this (you know who you are), don't take offense to this, because this is mine to share.

So, onto the main point of this. When I was 14 one o the school counselors called me into her office on 9/11 (which will never not be funny to me as an American) to talk about a free spoken word poetry assignment in English with some worrying content. We talked about it, had a couple of laughs, and then she asked if there was anything else I wanted to tell her. I'm still not sure why I told her that I was planning on going home and downing a thing of pills, but I did. latter that same day i was admitted into a psych hospital. (although, it got me out of the rest of the school day and my seminary class, so, there's that. (yes, my parents are Mormons, but I'm not here to talk about religion, and while I know it plays a part, its not quiet universal enough of a cause to make me feel like I need to talk about it in this post specifically.))

But anyway, I was there for just over a week, blah, blah, blah, life changing experience, blah, blah, blah, we get the drill, I'm not going into detail about my stay at the hospital other than it was really good, according to my friends from what I've told them its one of the best they've heard of, and that is it, as I do not want HIPAA after my ass.

After that first stay there, things where okay-ish, but it really only got worse again, just a bit more murdery this time, and I ended up calling 911 on myself and riding in the back of the police cruiser to the hospital, which was fun, cause i had road in the wee woo van and now the car, or, well, truck. This time I was there for a little under a week, and just barley discharged in time for thanks giving. But, despite me having said that I don't know if I really needed to go to the hospital again (I did, I just called the cops on myself for vividly thinking about patricide, it was like a compulsion, don't worry bout' it.) the second time I was there was honestly more important. The moment I was there and not in my house anymore is what allowed me to really think about everything that had happened in the past several months. (my family had just moved after what was arguably some of the est years of my life, if you did your math right, yes, I am infact saying that 8th grade was really good for me, don't stress it, the point was I had a lot of friends I was leaving half way across the country.)

I'm not a parent, I don't really ever want to be one, or at least I don't want any biological kids of my own, and given that I'm pretty much AroAce (explaining it is hard), I don't think I ever will. But, as someone who still very vividly remembers what this was like, let me talk about it, and what I think my family (parents) could have done differently;

Not enabling my siblings: now, I know one of my sisters has autism, my younger brother adhd or also maybe autism, and my other two older sisters have there own issues with depression, but, this doesn't excuse any of there actions or how they treated me, and I'm still trying to learn that. I am aware that having issues like these are difficult, but that doesn't invalidate what I went through on the reeving end for a lot of my families bullshit.

Listening to me: My family, my parents especially, where really shocked when my school counselor called the to tell them I was in danger of killing myself (that day to end of the week). But the thing is, its shouldn't have been, they just never listened or cared enough to look close enough. I had had many conversations with them about my siblings and them and how I wish that they would do something. (Not really physical abuse anymore, but a lot of emotional abuse, and I flinch at loud noises, when people raise there hands and crap abuse my little brother used to hit and none of us where really aloud to fight back, even though they wished we would punch it out instead of calling each other mean things, but whatever.) But, lo and behold, because I didn't have the answers to how to have are family not be like that, I was brushed off, a typical 'there's nothing we can do' thing, even though they very well could have said to my brother to stop hitting his sisters and for my sister with autism that the fact that she verbally abuses us all isn't okay, especially when after that she threatens suicide so we cant talk about her behavior (also, we were told to like, never engage with her at all cost, we just made it worse, etc.) But anyway, if someone tries to talk to you, no matter how stupid it may seam, and especially if its your kid, let them, cause you don't know whats going on in there head, and if you don't let them tell you, you'll never know. Don't invalidate there feelings, don't but in when there talking, don't make yourself the victim because that moment is about your kid and not you, and if you cant see that, then you shouldn't have had children in the first place, not sorry.

Pay attention to all your kids equally: whether that equally is not at all or a lot, it doesn't matter, because I got barley less attention than my other siblings, and all it did was teach me that to get attention I have to make a scene, and I buried my feelings to the point were now I'm borderline psychopathic, just, don't do it to the best of your ability.

Dont say stupid shit: This includes, but is not limited to - 'So im an awful parent?' saying this when your kid is just tring to tell you soemthing that could be better is stupid, it invalidates them and it's just bad. 'I raised yoy, clothed you, pit a roof over your head' or other variations if this, cause, gorl, your job is to do exactly that. There are othe things, but these where some of the biggest for me.

Going through your kids stuff: don't do it. Call me naive, but honestly, if u don't go through your kids stuff, there going to trust you, then they'll tell you things,, and if they still dont tell you something, leave them be, and let them have there secrets.

#parenting #family #Suicide #mental health #mentalhealth #communication

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mariasabanahabanabana · 1 year ago

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Weenais Raza!!! Your ("fav") depressed bitch Is back from the dead...Literally...

Okay... First of all, I know I don't owe anyone any explanations, but, the support you given my fics - content has been too much, That in my opinion you deserve an explanation of why I have disappeared as a good Latinoamérican father... (Those from Latam will understand me)...

Where to start...? Cause actually there have been several things.. in this months everything has happened to me... I moved, I found out that you don't have to eat salmon to get salmonella (Oh but what a dirty [rancid] joke), What else... I got a job with the excuse that this would give me a reason to get out of bed (spoiler alert, it and continues to work, there's times when the action becomes a livid hell, This I'll explain later), the doctora detected me thyroid... so... I cried... I really cried a lot, I started a legal process against the medical system of my small town for medical negligence....I cried again, my mom almost kicked me out, so... I had a depressive episode (self injury) after 4 "healthy" years... But despite this, there was something "good after all" because i had found and And I swear (I know it will sound stupid and maybe it is) that I didn't know that platonic - romantic - reciprocal love could be so beautifully healthy... But just as I experienced - I went through a stage that I wanted to live at least once in my life, I also learned that communication is much more important than it seems and even more so if this relationship is through to long distance, I also understood that these kinds of relationships are too complicated, It requires extreme patience, COMMUNICATION again, clear love and a maturity that probably not all of us have at the moment. Soooo, again, this relationship isn't for everyone and I include myself in it...Tbh, I don't think I would like to have to go through that again, however, I learned a lot in the Process... Process that like everything in this life naturally ended I'll not inquire further into that since I think I already said what I had to say and by that I mean "COMMUNICATION" and for respect... To surprise (lie, I was surprised) From no one I had another depressive episode (self-injury) again, so I was in and out of the hospital, Experience that causes a rupture in the psyche of your mind Well, on the one hand, you feel that you shouldn't be there, that your reasons that led to a mental decline are banal, but on the other hand, You are also aware of how fragile the human mind is and the importance of GOING (F *ING) [IF YOU CAN]) TO THE PSYCHOLOGIST AND TAKE YOUR MEDICATIONS (Honestly, don't let them, if the doctors - specialists were sent to you it was for a reason...) Look, Im not here to take a position on psychological medication, However... i regret for thinking that I could "be okay "without them...

pobre estúpida (Poor stupid)

from: my

to: my

What else....Oh yes, I moved again to return to where I was living in a beginning, I know it sounds confusing, but let's just say that I'm a city girl who has been moving between the country and the city, and for me good or bad luck, I rather city...

Now that I remember, between my "lover - break-up era" and the constant visits to "la casa de la risa" (hospital), The 💀💀💀 anniversary of a boy - friend - boyfriend was fulfilled... And... Pfft It's been a long time (since 8th grade [high school]) that I haven't felt this miserably alone... (Seriously, I don't wish it on anyone, actually, this is one of the many reasons why the WandaVision series was and will be one of my favorites, just like her character.)

Anyway... The reason why I tell you this is, Razita, is because of the issue of long distance relationships - Mental health - Latin America and the true context that is hidden by jokes made by the Latin Americans themselves..., Cause first, no matter how hard we try to help someone with their mental health, we are not responsible for it, This can vary and yes, I'm speaking to the bullying community in general, Second, no love letter or msg are gonna replace a hug or physical contact, third and last, I count the days... No... I pray and ask whoever listens to me, Any deity that exists or if it exists, that the sentence of Nicolás Maduro is at least half as terrible long as his government term was..

And well, to finish this explanation that seems more like a mediocre attempt to show pity... I moved for who the h*ll know what number of times... So now I find myself living in Cuba and fresh out, healed, sewn up and more doped than I came in...

Is there any lesson or reflection that lrs wants to leave with this? No... I would tell them to take advantage of their life every second but no, That phrase can be the same as shit that "God's timing is perfect" And no, I'm not saying this with the intention of insulting any religion or belief, but I sincerely believe that "God" has better things to do... Or That these same phrases are toxic positivity, something that at least Im fed up with...

Anyway, I'll try to be uploading content, other than songs written based on sertraline or lamotrigine...

I know I don't know you, but with all my heart thank you for continuing to interact with my account and content...I wish you the best on this roller coaster called life... And remember... Never say "co Ger" In Latin America... Or at least not in Mexico...

#mental instability #hi its me #its me <3 #is me #its me again #its me im bitches #mariasabana #Maria wrires #Sabana Writes #tw depressing thoughts #tw depression #tw sui implied #tw self destructive behavior #tw selfhate #tw sui attempt #tw mental health #tw mental illness #tw medication

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