#but anyway I didnt want to grind all the way up so I cheated and started the game lv12

[zenjestrr]

Aradin wtf

[judeswhore]

okay check this out i wrote this a month ago but didn't send it to u but okay here it is jude is your good friend but there's always been a sexual tension between you two. One day you went to a club with your boyfriend and jude went with her girlfriend or a random girl. He sees you having an argument with your boyfriend and he then walks out of there and leaves the club and you're just sobbing like a baby, jude sees that went out and told her date that he wants to leave and he texts you that he is leaving and if she wants to come with him she can, u seeing jude's text, reply him back that its okay she can go alone and she doesn't wanna barge him on his date like that but jude texts u that it's raining outside and he sawyour boyfriend leavingthe club and u realize that your boyfriend had already left.

You come out of the washroom and you looked all messed up your dress is wet because of the spilled drink and your eyes are red. You sat in the backseat of the car and jude's date is just giving you side eye cuz she think your ruining that one night where she gets to have sex with one and only jude bellingham and u can feel it as well. Throughout the whole ride u were quiet and embarrassed cuz jude's date is ruined and he must have saw your boyfriend leave without u and so you were silently sobbing and you didnt even realize when you fell asleep and jude sees you asleep drops his date off and says ," sorry i can't tonight but maybe another time, she's asleep and i got to take her home".

Jude sees your swollen eyes and red tinted cheeks and wet dress and he just turned on by the fact that your do little and vulnerable what your boyfriend can't even cherish and how he wants to kiss u snd hold u in his arms. The way you were dancing and grinding on your boyfriend was making him jealous and he gets an idea and he takes u to his house, changes your clothes and puts you in his bed and when your boyfriend calls you, jude picks up the phone and just says that ,"well she's asleep on my bed call her in the morning" and hangs up the phone.

oh i love this🤭jude’s been in love with u forever but ofc he’s never made a move bc he’s respectful of ur relationship even tho he knows ur boyfriend is a dick and doesn’t deserve u at all. like ur boyfriend is mean and treats u like shit, he’s definitely cheating on u but ur so blinded by ur feelings for him that u won’t acknowledge it. but things have been rocky for a while and ur finally coming to terms w the fact u and ur bf r gna break up, you’ve been arguing so much and jude has noticed and he hates that ur constantly upset lately bc of the fighting but he doesn’t wna overstep so he just leaves u to it but makes sure he’s there whenever u need him. being out w all ur friends one night and u and ur boyfriend are fighting, he’d been flirting with a girl right in front of u and you’d called him out and he’d been so dissmissive and it had led to an argument and he’d been really mean before storming away and leaving u crying in the corner.

the whole thing leads to jude taking u home to his house bc you’d fallen asleep in the taxi and he doesn’t really wna leave u alone, his own date furious bc she thinks you’ve ruined her chances (she didn’t really have any to start with) but u feel awful. him waking u up to walk u inside and ur sniffling and still crying but now it’s half bc of how bad u feel for ruining his night so ur apologising over and over but jude’s having none of it, kissing the side of ur head and telling u it’s fine he’d much rather be with u then her anyway. he’s so sweet the whole time, cleans off ur make up and let’s u rant abt ur bf (tells u over and over that u deserve so much better), lends u one of his shirts to sleep in before tucking u into his bed w a glass of water and some pain killers, gives u a forehead kiss and again tells u that u deserve better.

ur phone ringing and blowing up w texts and at first he ignores it, gets himself ready for bed but then it’s none stop so he finally answers and ur bf is furious that he did bc he has his suspicions abt jude’s feelings but he has no right after how he’s treated u. ur bf asking where u are and jude’s just like “she’s asleep. yeah, she’s in my bed. well u shouldn’t have left her crying in a fucking club then! ur gna have to wait until tomorrow but i wouldn’t be so sure she’s gna forgive u this time” before hanging up

[laboflove]

Oikawa & Iwa X FR

•Aged up•

Word Count- 2363

❗Warnings❗{Smut, angst, praising, infatuation, ridiculing, cheating, body shaming}

A/N: Thicc Y/N who's dating Oikawa and although he says he loves her it doesnt seem that way.

He smiles as he sees your eyebrows pushed together, you were always so cute when you were angry, he just wanted to keep making fun of you to see that face. "Tooru" you suddenly say making his smile fade, "Yeah?" He says confused and your phone buzzes, "Nevermind, I have to go, Iwa is here" you say then kiss his cheek before leaving.

A frown forms on his face as he sees you walk off, you were always hanging out with Iwaizumi. It made him mad because you were HIS girlfriend not Iwaizumi's. He huffs then leaves as well, whatever, hed just make you remember how great it is to date him.

You walk in to find him on your bed and he smiles, "Hey" you both say, you climb onto the bed forgetting about today at work and he pulls you onto his chest. "Did you gain weight? Damn" he says with a chuckle making the thoughts come back, "I think, I'll lose it dont worry" you whisper as you move off and onto the side.

He pulls you close, his hands trailing your body making you anxious, you werent skinny like other girls, you had curves and Oikawa would always tease you about it, middle school to now and you always tried to lose weight but youd gain it back. An endless cycle and honestly the last thing you wanted right now was for him to be touching you like this.

Yet you dont stop him, instead closing your eyes and trying to fall asleep but his hands get more touchy, soon enough spreading your legs. "Not tonight Tooru" and his frown appears again, that's the second time this week you've called him that. "Okay" he says then turns around and you both fall asleep, one angry and confused and the other filled with dark thoughts.

"I just dont understand, shes been calling me Tooru this entire week, why?" He says as he passes the ball to Iwa, "Its your name" He says making him huff. He knew it was his name but you've never called him that before, so why now?!

"I dont like it, she never calls me that so why now? Did I do something wrong?" He says and Iwa stops, "You always make fun of her, im surprised she hasn't dumped you yet" and Oikawa's mouth goes dry. His biggest worry, something he never wants to happen, for you two to break up, you meant everything to him, youd always lift him up, give him pointers and take care of him. You couldn't leave him, you're all he had.

"S-she knows I'm just kidding, I don't mean any of it" he says then the ball flies towards him, "Iwa-!", "It always sounds like you mean it, you tell her shes fat, that shes not pretty enough, that she isnt smart, terrible shit but you never say that you're just kidding. Even then you shouldnt say shit like that to someone who already deals with criticism as it is, you especially shouldn't say it to her because shes your goddam girlfriend" he leaves and Oikawa clenches his fists.

"Hey!" And he looks back, "Do you like her?!" He yells out earning a nod making his blood boil, "I've liked her since middle school, even more in high school and the most right now, but she made the stupidest decision on dating you" and he walks off again.

"Youd never leave me right?" He asks as he rests his head on your chest, you dont answer making him look up with dim eyes, "You would?" He asks and you sigh, "If something were to happen yes but just breaking up with you for no reason would not happen" and he nods. "Um, what would be the reason?" He whispers remembering the conversation with Iwa, "If one of us cheats, I'd never do it but well..." you stop and he looks up at you.

"I-im sorry, I'll never hurt you like that ever again, so please dont leave me" you nod then place a kiss on his head.

He looks back at the tv but hes barely focusing on it, only remembering that night. He was drunk, saying terrible stuff and when he woke up he found you in front of him, sitting down, looking super tired and your eyes were so dry and red. He didnt know why till he looked around and found unfamiliar clothes, women's clothes.

You didnt talk to him about it, none of you brought it up and soon you were both back to normal but he knew that all trust created was gone.

His thoughts are broken by the familiar buzz pattern and you pull the phone to your ear, "Hey" you say with a smile, why cant you smile like that when you talk to him? Why doesnt your voice get all cute and soft with him? Why is it only with Iwa?

"Oh I'm with Oikawa" you say as your hand runs through his hair, he smiles and even more as you rest it on his cheek. "I-iwa" your hand twitches slightly and he can feel your aura change, "Dont call me until your done with that crap, God, you're worse than Oikawa" you put your phone down and he looks up at you.

"What's wrong?" He asks but you shake your head, "Its nothing, just Iwa being a bit of an asshole" he nods and you look at the tv.

"He doesnt love you, he says all that shit which he shouldnt be saying, what if he cheats on you again huh? "

You let out a sigh then close your eyes, uh oh, you're pissed.

"Hey" you hear, turning around you see them and shoot a smile, "Hey guys" you say as you slowly come to a stop. "Whatre you doing here?" One asks, "Oh uh well you know working out" you say and they nod. "Any specific reason? You look perfect already" you laugh making them confused, "Yeah right, if I was Oikawa wouldnt judge me 24/7" you say and they tilt their heads.

"Anyways, I'm gonna get back to this" you say with a small smile and they head to the other side, "Whatre you thinking?" Akaashi asks as Bokuto glares in your direction. "I'm thinking that I want to kill Oikawa", "As much as I'd love to help you do that, its illegal" he says and he huffs. "Only if i get caught".

"Whatre you doing?" He asks as his arms wrap around your waist, you step off and you smile, "Yes" you say and he rubs your stomach, it's not as squishy as before. "I finally lost 15 pounds" you whisper with a large smile and although he should be congratulating you it doesnt make sense. "Whyd you lose weight?" He asks and you look back, "For you, you wanted me to lose it remember?" You say and he looks at you in the mirror.

"I'll love you no matter what", "Haha, yeah right Mr. I want a trophy wife who's beautiful and perfect" you say then move away, his heart clenches hearing you say the words he regrets telling you. He didn't want anyone but you.

"Y-you know I love you right?" He says and you look at him, you dont say anything making his heart break. "I do Tooru, it's just hard to believe" and he looks down, "Okay".

"Y/N" he says for the thousandth time this night, "Are you even listening to me?! It's like you dont care about me! You're always off with Iwaizumi doing God knows what! Why cant you just love me! Only me!" The tears keep falling but you dont look back and you dont let a sob escape. For three days it's been like this, him finding anything to ridicule about and making sure you knew how terrible of a girlfriend you were.

You stand then look at the tree your parents gave you, well it was meant for both of you, something to resemble your love for each other, always growing and alive till death.

A sigh escapes your lips and you walks up to it, "Just as I suspec-", "If I cut this down does that mean were done too?" You ask surprising him. "What does that mean?" He asks and you turn to look at him, "I want to break up" and he looks down. You're crying, you're actually crying, hes never seen you cry, you always refused to look at him whenever you did so hes never got to see it and he wishes he never did.

"Why?", "Why? Why?! Why else Tooru?! Every second I spend with you hurts me! The love in our relationship cant even compare to the amount of pain there is! You give me so much shit and i try to be better, i try to become someone perfect for you but theres always something! I dont love Iwa like I love you! I never have! I only love you but it's like you dont think i do! Even though you're the one that cheated! You're the one that broke the trust! I should've broke up with you before!" You cover your mouth realizing what you just said and you look away.

You were right but why did you say all that stuff to him, he looks at you but quickly looks away. "I'm leaving" you say then rush past him, "W-where are you going?" He asks as he follows you upstairs, you couldn't leave, not like this. He has to say sorry, he has to fix it, he cant lose you!

"I dont know but I cant stay here" you pack stuff up as you avoid his hands, "No" he suddenly says as you reach for the front door. "Bye" you leave in a rush and he looks around, "NO! GET BACK HERE!" and he falls to ground. It actually happened, you left him, you left him and it's his fault, who's going to love him now? Who's going to help him when he gets sick and who's he going to tease?

He leans in as he holds you close, "I love you" he whispers but you stop him, "Its been two months yet you still push me away", "I didnt have sex with Tooru till we were five months in" you say but he doesnt stop, "Oh c'mon, you know you want to so ju-", "Can you stop? I'm really not in the mood for anything like this" you say as you push his hands away from your stomach and thighs.

"Oh I get it" he says as he pins your hands above your head, "You think I'm like Oikawa, that I'll point out your flaws, that I'll think you're ugly, that I dont actually want you" he says into your ear and you look away, he was right and you both knew that. "Well guess what, we all have flaws, I dont think you're ugly and damn do I want you" he kisses you hard but your squirm in his embrace.

"N-no Iwa stop" you let out with a soft moan as he rubs his knee against your clothed heat, "Why? We both want this, you just cant admit it" his tongue trails up your neck as you resist him only making him want you more. "So soft and you always smell so good" he murmurs as you grind against his knee although your mind is saying you dont want this.

"So pretty, especially these moans" desperate whines leave your mouth as he slowly undresses you, "Heh, I think we should take this to the bed" he says as he looks down at your naked body.

Your arms cover yourself as much as they can as he lifts you bridal style, "M-maybe we should wait, i-i should lose a few m-", "Shut the hell up or else I will tie you up" you nod fast and he places you on the bed. "Fuck me" you turn red seeing his eyes take you in, he reaches for his shirt and you move up to help him but he pushes you down making you bounce a bit.

"Stay right there" he undresses as you watch, once hes done he spreads your legs making your body heat up and filling you with so many emotions. "So perfect" he says as he pushes in slowly, you hiss slightly at the feeling you havent felt in such a long time. "Ah- no, Haji-!" He thrusts harder and faster making the frame hit the wall, over and over.

"So warm, so tight and it feels so good" moans leave his mouth making you bite your lip, this felt so different, way too different. "Dont think about him" he says as he thrusts hard sending your eyes wide open, "I-I dont know how he fucked you, or if hes a goddamn sub but dont! Fucking! Think about him!" He growls out with a thrust each time, feeling angry that even now you're still thinking about him. "Sorrysorrysorry!"

Pants leave his mouth as cries leave yours, "God I love you, I love you so much" he mutters as he looks at your pink cheeks and tears falling down your face, he lowers next to your ear as one hand holds your thigh as the other holds your head close to him. "I love the way you just clamp around me" his hips slow down, grinding against you, "I feel like coming every time I thrust into you, that's how good you feel" you tighten around him as the praises keep coming.

Why did this feel so good? Just his words were getting you there and it was so embarrassing that he made you feel this way. "I just cant believe that the woman I've loved since I was 13 is finally mine, that were here together and you're in my arms" he stops to kiss you and you sniffle slightly, "You can come now" a soft cry fills the room as you come and he thrusts a bit more leading to groans and a warm feeling in your core.

"You're mine, only mine".

[slumberinglabyrinth]

a while back i did a review of the prison chapter in por and it was totally overblown and whatever but i kinda wanna do that again for (what remains of) radiant dawn so i guess i will

I'll be doing them in batches since this got long. In this post: 3-5 through 3-9

3-5: it's been two years and i forget why we have to defend this castle

this was a pretty alright map. the reinforcements were annoying but that's because I generally don't actually turtle all that much on defend chapters and as a result I was Right There whenever and wherever they showed up. I tried to grab the energy drop off the boss but the dude ran away from Heather the moment I created an opening and I didn’t want to reset so :^/

I moved provoke off of shinon and onto Brom for this and its... probably way too strong? like it wasn't a 100% draw rate but there were several turns in a row where he was the only person being attacked which is. insane. and also super fun lmao. I think it's a shame that the hostility mechanics in fe aren't as well documented; on some level it ruins the magic, but in cases like this where you're actively influencing it i think it'd be useful to know to what degree you're actually influencing it

disarm + steal is also a really neat/fun idea that would be a great way to counteract how i apparently will never have any money for weapons while playing as the greilgallia party crew 😔 (not to be confused with the greilgallia polycule, which disbanded around twenty years earlier) but I can also never get disarm to proc and half the things that i was able to get unequipped were too heavy for Heather to actually steal 😔

all around a decent map to ease myself back into playing rd with. I certainly could have played better, but defend maps tend to be easier and I appreciated that here

3-6: dawn brigade returns and promptly sinks into a swamp

god this map sucked. it's really hard to pick where to start with it but while i get that lore dictates that they need to only be fighting laguz right here it was probably the wrong gameplay decision with everything else that was going on. I think maybe making tigers have ~4 less str across the board would have been a nice start since I kinda needed to either never get hit by them at all or to kill them first.

several chapters later I’m also realizing maybe i should have like. started to use bexp lol

fighting laguz is also really weird in terms of like... because they have boosted stats while transformed so you can either kill them while they're untransformed (which is fairly easy but since they don't attack, you have to kill them during player phase which means one per turn per unit), deal chip damage (or none at all) to burn down their gauge so you can actually kill them, or try to power through their boosted stats and hope you don’t die in the process.

Because I hadn't used bexp and almost all my units were super weak, I mostly had to rely on the eff against beasts knife that you can buy in the bargain shop this chapter and also volug, who had enough def (even with halfshift) to not die in one round. Honorable mentions go to noland (a fitting name for this map), jill (with canto!), and zihark, who were able to help pick off untransformed laguz, and to micaiah, who could deal magic damage and actually damage transformed laguz.

this was also the first dawn brigade map! i know lots of people people dont like their maps after act 1 and while i was trying to go into this one with an open mind... yeah, they totally got shafted by this map design. it's not really their fault but this map sucked hard. I know that they generally did one of each class variant (fire mage, wind mage, etc.) and not have duplicates but I think that the dawn brigade would have benefited from another mage of some kind if only so you could have someone who could deal with all these goddamned cats

also bk shows up but since he's not a bonus unit i didn't want to feed him kills so i didnt really use him. maybe that was a mistake. also why couldn't he like. warp someone that wasn't the furthest away from the action.

3-7: hey so we heard you liked the previous map

Zihark is there? fuck this i'm reverting to a previous save and unrecruiting him

3-6: i forgot to mention that this map was a swamp map and also had darkness

I know I've mentioned that the similar map in fe6 (desert+fog) was actually kinda alright but this one isnt that at all. Playing through it a second time helped because i knew where enemies were spawning, but it was still more annoying than fun.

Swamps commit the cardinal sin of forcing everyone that can't fly (in this case: everyone but jill) to suffer massive terrain penalties. Deserts at least let mages move a little bit further (which admittedly wouldn't help much here since it's only micaiah and laura), but here everyone friend and foe alike (except Jill) moves slowly and it makes gameplay just grind to a halt which is never, ever fun level design.

Also Fiona just. could not move beyond the starting island. she couldn't even wade a little bit into the swamp like i did with ed and leo to attack at range and get laguz to untransform. they let you deploy everyone but it genuinely felt like i wasn't handed the tools to succeed at this map. always a great goal to have when designing a game

I don't know how to improve this map. unrecruiting zihark (by flying him up to the northeast with jill and having him talk to mordy/lethe) wasn't particularly difficult (battle saves make it easy enough to scout out where they were, and it's not like i'd ever feel bad about 'cheating' on this map) but... would a greater field of view actually help? would making it not a swamp actually help? would giving you more allied units that'll throw themselves in the face of danger with no regard for their own lives actually help?

I don't know.

3-7: but for real this time

Back to ikequest!

this map is... literally the same map as the previous one, but with a different map objective. and larger. and backwards. and not at night.

it's still a swamp.

Luckily, it's a survive map, and the vast majority of the enemy force does not have the time to actually reach you if you hide up in the corner.

Which is exactly what i did.

Here's the list of the optional units (ike and ranulf are mandatory, which sucks because i don't like using twinks cat laguz and ike's plot promotion feels miles away) I deployed and why I deployed them

Haar: to fly out and recruit Jill

Gatrie: to be carried by Haar and specifically to bait the single thunder mage in Haar's way (and help Haar clean out that area so Jill can be safely recruited). I gave him corrosion two maps ago and it actually fully disarmed a guy on this map! 🎊

Brom: stand near where the swamp ends and draw the handful of enemies that actually make it all the way there away from ike and ranulf and ulki and jaffar (who are auto-recruits in this chapter).

This map is. so incredibly easy to both beat and complete the (meaningful) optional objectives on. I missed a conversation between Ike and Micaiah (which requires you to travel all the way across the map that i just finished saying takes forever to traverse and do it in 12 turns), but as long as you unrecruit Zihark on the previous map (he's.... right in the middle of the main force so good luck if you don't) you can probably do this map first try with no deaths even if you haven't trained haargatriebrom At All

I think that kinda underscores a problem that intsys had with rd which was... it feels like they didn't really have a lot of time to fine-tune stuff? like you're going from the hardest (or at least most unpleasant) map to the easiest one this side of the tutorial and it just. doesn't feel good? like there's going to be some inherent difficulty in balancing a difficulty curve when you're shifting from party to party but. this was bad. really bad.

Also a side observation but it does actually say who units can talk to in battle prep which is pretty useful thing to have! you need to shift the stat spreadsheet allllll the way over, but it's there!

i promptly forgot about it by the time 3-10 came around and was like "hey i should just. have ike run up to elincia, see if they'll talk, and then reset" though lol

3-8: Less-than-Lethal Lava Land

A fairly standard lava cave map. My only real comment here is that it was kinda nice how they made the spots where you'd take damage fairly obvious while still making them appear as natural parts of the terrain. I think it was the durandal map in 7 but its "if you're on these at the end of the turn you'll take damage" tiles looked super out of place while the armads map on the other hand wasn't super self-evident and i'm glad they improved

3-9: still cant use lucia >:(

Another party shift (this time to Elincia), and there was some good use of ledges in this chapter!

Most of your units couldn't use them but it created alternate paths for the ones that could (Calill and Devdan). Previous maps tended to use them more as holes in your defenses than needed to be plugged, but it created ways to progress (and ways for reinforcements to catch up) that are usually reserved for flying units, except now you're interacting with the map instead of ignoring it completely.

I think I've yet to meet someone who genuinely likes ledges as a map element, though I think this map really drives home that the sole (inherent) problem with them is the accuracy modifications (which, as this map also demonstrates when the stairs near the end become a chokepoint, are actually present with all elevation changes). While the +2 damage dealt while on the high ground is reasonable, +50 and especially -50 to hitrate are insane and completely unnecessary modifiers. They should be half that if you even choose to retain both.

Anyway.

the absolute lack of a (player-controlled) healer in Elincia's party was also........ interesting. Annoying, but interesting. Why must allied clerics choose death?1

[naptoons]

Triggered-Joel Pimentel

warnings: Sexual Content, Cheating,Mild Language, Alcohol reference.

Theme: Angst

A/N: this is a part two of story of us , this is requested by @cncogirl18 ! i hope it’s great and it meets your request!. Read the first part here!

joel and i have been getting more and more distant for the past 2 years. sometimes i blame it all on tour, sometimes i blame it all on maybe he’s cheating. maybe hes fallen out of love with me. but to be honest i blame it all on me. i pushed him away because im not ready for the limelight. im not ready for the flashing cameras and gosspi pages. most dont even know what i look like, they just thought i was a fanpage commenting under his posts all the time. some he didnt respond to so it didnt look so obvious.it’s been on my mind all day, even my friends noticed it, urging me to go home and talk to him about it. but i cant. maybe  cant because im afraid of the answer.

 leaning back in my chair picking at the peeling skin on my thumbs. debating going to joel’s apartment or heading to the party richard invited me to for his daughter. i might as well go home first, maybe get a nap. getting up from the chair, i grab my keys to his aprtment, heading for the door.

arriving at his apartment i walk in the house,hearing the noise of heavy breathing and muffled moans. the grunts that only i would know. but apprantly im not the only one whom knows it. biting the bullet of crying, i walk towards the living room dropping the keys in the bowl. after today i dont think i wanna come back. walking past the room to the bathroom i hear the voice of someone farmilar.

��i told you, you never loved her, you’d come back to me papi” emlila swoons him in, joel sighs with his feet shuffling against the carpet “why cant you admit it?!” she yells at him “she is nobody anyways why do you care so much?” feeling anger in my broken heart i swing the door open, gritting my teeth against my jawline, the atomsphere turning colder than stone.

“yeah joel, im fucking nobody” i choke through my clogged airways

“baby-” cutting him off i smack his hand away from my frame, i grab my back packing all of things “bre listen it didnt mean anything!” his voice breaking and pleading to get my attention, joel grabs my arm but i push him back making him hit the edge of the dresser groaning in immersed pain. but i feel no remorse.

“if it meant nothing why the fuck did you do it?!” i yell through the tears, i tried to be strong. to not cry in front of him. he didnt deserve my tears, he didnt deserve anything from me at this moment. “get the fuck away from me joel, i never want to see your fucking face ever again” grabbing my packed bag i place it on my shoulders before stepping out the room, i look back at emailia to see her smiling.

“you think you have everything right now, but if he did this to me, what makes you think he wont do it to you?” i pour my venom on her, her smile slowly falling flat and changing into anger “misery loves company, i hope you guys are miserable together karma is a bitch” with my words i feel my shoulders become lighter, running downstairs i hear joel yelling my name behind me, getting to the front door i slam it behind me getting in my car.

“what a fucking fool i am” i breathe out “thinking we could ever be something, neither of us was ready” i grab my phone calling lunay as i back out of his driveway, the tears begin to roll down my cheeks clouding my vision all i can see if dots of red and white lights.

“hola mami” lunay’s voice hones in on my ears. insatly my voice cracks trying to keep it together, i just break down and cry gripping the steering wheel as my knuckles drain the blood from them. “hey bre are you okay? where are you?”

wiping my face i inhale heavily “joel cheated on me” i let out “can i come over?” i ask, before hearing the answer all that fills my ears is the skid of tires on the road, and the reverb of a collision. The vision I once had colored like a void.

Pitch dark.

Opening my eyes to the angelic light, I groan as it burns my cornea, covering them with my fingers I sigh heavily. “Welp I guess that’s a sign to use night mode” I let out, slowly regaining my eyesight looking over at a puzzled wreck of a cousin. Smiling slightly I reach for his hand “hey, what’s got you so tangled up Charlotte?”

“You’ve been unconscious for three weeks, that’s what, and get a better joke that was corny” Christopher smiled slightly at the end, but I could tell that smile was fake. “And I’m wondering should I kill someone” his voice taking the form of malice.

“If you were to do that you couldn’t see your precious cousin” I smile followed by his scoff “wouldn’t say precious” he insults me. Lunay walls into the room sighing of relief “wow, did y’all really think I was going to die?” I laugh “y’all had no hope for me huh? What a sha...” getting my sentence cut off by his hug around my neck, I smile softly my fingers rubbing his back. “Hey you” I let out. He must’ve been so worried.

Lunay has been taking care of me for a whole month. I had to go to recovery, I lost a little bit of feeling in my legs so I started walking little by little, they also recalled my brain is a little fuzzy prior three minutes before the crash. Sadly it didn’t make me forget I got Joel cheating on me. With the girl who tried to break us up even before a label. I guess she got what she wanted. I haven’t seen or heard from Joel since that day. Part of me wants to reach out. But another part says “fuck him he pushed you away” tapping on the bow empty cereal bowl I hear the chunks of shoes hitting the floor.

“Aye mami, you okay?” Lunay rubs my shoulders, moaning at the tension in my body I nod my head slightly “are you sure? I’m here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on”

“Hm no I’m tired of crying, I’m moving on now”

“Aye nena! That’s right, you can do better” he encourages me. Lunay was throwing a party at his house tonight for a celebration on winning an award. I joined in even though Lunay told me I didn’t have to I just couldn’t be soaking in my sadness. It’s not going to fix anything so what’s the point of moping? Grabbing the drink on the counter I gulp it in one shot feeling it burn down my throat rapidly. Every cnco member was here but Joel. Made me wonder is he trying to avoid me? Why should he? He cheated on me he shouldn’t have any shame he knew what he got himself into. He shouldn’t have any shame it’s what he wanted anyways.

Drinking down another shot Richard furrows his eyes at me smiling I wave at him “what’s up Richard? You scared to drink?” I ask him

“Scared of you drinking, I don’t think you’re in the right headspace to be drinking nena” his lips fall in a flat line leaning against the counter, grabbing the bottle of liquor I grab my red solo cup this time.

“I think I’m just fine, I can’t sit around here and fucking waste my time in being sad, it’s been a whole month Richard, im fine” I crack open the cranberry juice to fuse with the liquor. “So stop worrying about me okay?”

“I’m worried about the both of y’all, hoping neither of you collapse first” Richard mumbles while walking away, I wanna ask him what that was about but I’m stopped by Lunay. With the biggest smile on his face.

“Hey? You good having fun?”

“Never better! Let’s dance” grabbing his hand with my left I sip with my right, everyone was bumping and grinding on their designated partner. Everyone here was having a great time. No one had a mask on themselves. Drinking, smoking falling in love in his backyard. Five cups down and the world was spinning. Taking off shoes and dancing on tables. I was dancing it away.

The pain away. Fuck it still hurt.

But there’s always three sides to a story.

His. Mine. And the side neither of us talked about.

Giggling on the couch I lay my head on christopers shoulder “hey cousin how are you?” I slur followed by a hiccup “I haven’t seen you since the hospital what are you up to these days?” My face felt hot and was probably showing hues of red. Maybe even pink.

“Babysitting two broken people is what” Christopher groans, he was rarely serious so this caught me off guard. Being to drunk to even ask I hug him.

“Aye, there’s no use in worrying, you gotta have a hurricane before the rainbow, I’ll be okay I promise”

“I hope so, we don’t want any more collateral damage” he hums in my ear.

The party was over and I watched as the few people that stayed over, Lunay was cleaning up trash until he saw me laying in the couch. “Mami, go to bed, or would you like me to drive you home?”

“Id rather not be alone” I mumble, almost throaty, suppressing the cries I want to let out. I can’t I’m done crying. I’ve been doing it for a whole month.

“Hey” he bends down to my level, running the pads of his thumb on my cheek “you’re never alone I promise” his eyes twinkled in love, I’m feeling the same way I did towards Joel. How can this be true? Have I moved on that quick?

Richard went back to Joel’s apartment, just as he was about to knock on the door, emailia opens it, her face showing signs of panic. “Wheres joel?” She asks

“And you think I would tell you? Plus that’s why I’m here to see was he here” Richard smugly answers

“So wait, hes not with you?” emailia asks

“Nope” Richard grabs his phone dialing his number, but to his demise it goes straight to the voicemail. Richard mumbling a soft curse word under his breath. “His phone is off”

“Oh my god fuck” she paces while chewing on her thumb, Richard looks at her with no sympathy but he just knew his mind had to ask.

“So what lie did you tell him hm?” emailia turns around on her heels looking back at him dumbfounded

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me I didn’t stutter, Joel is completely and utterly in love with bre, what did you say?!” Richard snaps are her, feeling Christopher pull him back slightly, “rich calm down”

“I didn’t tell him anything! He told me he felt bre was fading from him, and the more he tried the more she pulled, all I said was maybe she found someone else”

“Then took his sadness as your advantage to comfort him” Richard spits, walking away slowly

“You know damn well I love him!”

“If you did he wouldn’t be in this situation” Richard mumbles before getting in the car. “So? How are we going to find Joel?”

“We can’t, he’s been so secretive lately. Who knows where he is, the only thing I can think of is just wait for band practice or for him to come home” Richard sighs heavily “this is a fucking hurricane”

The bright sun beams on my eyelashes, squirming I feel a arm wrapped around my waist and the feeling of a chin in my shoulder. Slowly lifting the covers I gaze upon our naked bodies entwined together. Sighing and softly cursing to myself I sink my head deeper in the pillow.

Lunay and I hooked up.

Drunk hookup.

Slowly getting up from the bed I grab my clothes putting them on one by one. Until a hear a husky groan “good morning” he mumbles, my luck. Smiling I make it back to the bed sitting in front of him.

“Good morning” I whisper back

“How you feeling?” He asks

Embrassed.regretful.sad.

“Good, I had a good sleep”

“I imagine so” he jokes, getting up from the bed slowly “look bre, I don’t wanna be your rebound, I know this is the worst timing but, I’ve had a crush on you for the longest, and seeing how broken you are hurts me” freezing at his sudden words I looking down at the my tangled up fingers, “I want you to find what you mean to yourself, I want you to fix yourself, even if that means talking to him again”

“Lunay, I can’t even look him in the eyes and not want to cry”

“So? Isn’t better than wondering and drinking alcohol, not to mention losing your mind not knowing what to do” Lunay grabs my hand kissing my knuckles softly “bre, you deserve love okay? Don’t think that there won’t be someone out there for you”

Nodding my head I decided to face him head on. To talk about the problems I’ve never discussed.

Arriving at Joel’s apartment my stomach drops in depths. Never thought I’d come back here. Having ptsd just by looking at the snowflake walls, the way his plants on his patio are slowly decaying. He really isn’t doing to well just like me. Why is this so hard on him? I’m the one that should be triggered.

Knocking on the door I wait for his answer, the door swings open, smelling like a strand of weed. “Richard I told you-” his sentence is cut off by the sight of my eyes glued in his. “What are you doing here?”

“To talk” I answer

“What is there to talk about, I made you look stupid” Joel sighs

“yeah you’re fucking right you made me look like a fool, but I can’t blame you, maybe I pushed you towards that resort, not saying what you did was okay, but maybe the way I treated you inflicted this” I sigh leaning against the wall “can I come in?”

Joel opens the door for me to come in, closing the door behind me I see the mess his living room is in, I see the empty beer bottles and burned out half blunts. The edibles wrappers over the floor. Looking back at joel I see his hand is wrapped in a gauze. What has he been going through? I grab a bag as I start picking up his trash, “no it’s okay I’ll clean it up” Joel suggests but I grab his hand leading him to the couch.

“Let me help you, let someone help you okay? We gotta stop shoving people out” I stammer through my tears. Finish with cleaning up the mess, Joel and I sit on opposite sides of the couch.

“I’ve had two boyfriends in my lifetime, and when it got past two years, shit just started going downhill, one was abusive and one was a pathological liar and a drug addict” I start off, Joel’s eye filling to the brim with water, with just one touch they would pour down his lips. “It’s tiring opening and closing parts of me just to repeat the cycle, and when you cheated on me, I just saw you as the rest, I yelled at you and blamed you, I claimed you ruined everything, I wanted to fight you guys both, knowing she’d probably sue me or charged me with battery”

“In that heat of the moment I was willing to catch a case for it, cause you know me, when I get mad I get big mad, weeks after my accident I was going to call you, maybe even text you but I couldn’t, when I typed on the bubble I Tried my hardest not to disrespect you After what you did, man, what you expected?” My eyes looking at the tearful golden boy, his cheeks and nose were pink, so was his ears, glistening cheeks swelling up at the minute.

“I felt so Triggered, when I hear your name but also I was Triggered, because I am not okay, I was getting drunk partying hooking up with people all because I still missed you, Of our memories All you meant to meAll that history All that's history” my fingers trembling to grab his hand, caressing my thumb over his.

“But ain't no me and you without you in it, so I just wanna say I’m sorry, I pushed you away and made you feel like I didn’t love you, because I now know I do, I really do love you joel” the tears now falling out of his eyes, mirroring mine in the same gesture.

“I’m sorry too, I should’ve never talked to her about our problems, I should’ve came to you, but it isn’t your fault, I was the one who decided to have sex with her in our bed, no matter what I should’ve came and talked to you” Gravelly his voice echos the room, pulling him towards me, I wrap my arms around his head, letting him sob into my hoodie. As I begin to cry along with him.

“We’re both you blame, all we needed was to communicate” my wobbly voice whispers on his ear. “I accept your apology Joel, just promise we won’t run away from each other” feeling his body stop shuttering his head pulls out hovering over me.

“Yeah, I won’t run unless you promise to not run, and let’s better ourselves” Joel sniffs

“I’m not going anywhere, maybe someday we’d could be something more than friends again, you have my heart joel. We just need to fix ourselves before becoming one, but I don’t mind taking it slow with you”

“No labels? Just chilling?”

“Yeah” I smile caressing his face “slow burns”

“Slow burns”

[sgnsejun-blog]

alright alright hey hii, okay it’s been likes 500 years since I’ve rped on tumblr so pls be gentle I’m not entirely with it lMAO but anywayy I have a ABOUT + (soon) PLOT page up for sejun and also some info that’s also the same as his quick facts on the about page so if u’ve happened to have read that then oops under the cut so if ur interested keep reading <3 

okay okay so was born and raised in seoul in a wealthy family (p standard yee)

didn’t have many friends in his earlier years at school + got bullied a bit

used to be a bigger nerd than he is today, like he’s still p smart tbh but he used to be the type of person that passed every exam without having to revise that everyone hated, now he has to work way harder to do just as well and he regrets taking it for granted tbh

used to be v concious about what ppl thought about him but in his last few years of school he stopped caring as much he made like a few popular jock friends in those years + became more confident/comfortable bc of it

his parents forced him (not rly forced but he’ll say he was) into doing a sciency subject lowkey not that he wanted to do anything artsy but he didnt rly want to go to uni or w/e just wanted to get a job but he doesnt rly care so he just went with it

he lowkey wished he would hate it so he could prove them wrong but here he is having the time of his life tbh

honestly loves a good “I told you so moment”, loves proving people wrong (and just being petty tbh even tho he “hates drama”)

he has this huge confliction w/ not really caring enough to get properly involved + thinking that his way is the best way to do things,, like a control freak but he can’t be bothered,, it’s a hard life

like p passive but he also hates people who are lazy

acc big hypocrite tbh, is like whatever when he turns up late to something but when someone does it to him he’s a bit salty

ya boi is like *eye rolls a lot* stop being dumb finds himself judging freshman who do stupid things quite a lot

he’s quite friendly tbh, really likes the company of other people and just having friends tbh

ANNOYING speak to him once he’ll add you on facebook and spam u requests to join the track team fb group

speaking of fb groups/messages he’s lowkey the pyramid scheme police, send him a message about ur mlm you will get a 1500 word essay response

also he’s hella nosy but a lot of time ppl just tell him the gossip anyway bc they trust him (they shouldn’t)

can be a lil manipulative,, has this kind appearance/vibe but thats probs what is the most dangerous,,

But generally, if you’re someone who’s legitimately close to him he won’t play these games and fuck with you, like if you know you know. So yeah, lowkey two-faced (sort of?)  and manipulative but never to his friends, he cant stand it when ppl are fake w/ their friends tbh

also a v good friend he’s p thoughtful when it comes to his friends (which is saying something bc most of the time he is v oblivious and bad at reading other ppls situations)

the king of smash ultimate himself,, he tries to organize tournaments all the time (and for other games too)

when he wants to do work its big time mega stress boys hours long of intensive work but then when he wants to relax its the other extreme of laid in bed for three days was stoned for most of it pretended to be okay at track then got completely hammered at some party probably had a threesome wakes up passed out in a completely different dorm, pretends it never happened and then he’s back on the grind

speaking of parties he like pretends that he’s not crazy about them (not like hates them but like,, “...... oh…… i guess i could go…. i’ll check my plans) but secretly loves them most of the time he goes and is chill there but sometimes he,, is a complete mess tbh

which is fun bc a lot of the time he likes being a “responsible mum friend” to messy ppl so when he’s a mess himself it’s,, the best

also romance wise he got cheated on in freshman year + is now v hesitant when ppl want more than sex, but still wants to be in love v badly and catches feelings quite easily :(

to those who dont know him he comes off as very put together, really cares about his appearance so if u see him crying in the dorms at 3am wearing the tracksuit hes been sleeping in for the past 4 days you’re probs one of the few ppl who could blackmail him

[matronaa]

Jungkook “fuckboy?” drabble

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 1,637

Genre: Fluff/mentions of smut?

Okay look its about 1 in the morning while im writing this and i just got done literally scrolling thru @jungshookz  e n t i r e page and honestly ive been delusionally laughing over her stories for like an hour and a half like the tattooartist!jungkook fic legit killed me i love it  and i’m probably going to force my friend to check her out because legit i love it so much and she seems like such a funny person and if she sees this 1) ily and ur writing and i wanna be friends but idk how to start a conversation because im a awKwARd bEan and 2) im sorry for probably spamming ur notifications with likes okay i couldnt help it so now im inspired for the first time in a while to write but im way to loopy to put together an actual fic so enjoy this ig

Okay i should stop rambling (okay just note that im so sleep deprived that i had to google ‘words for excessive talking’ to remember the word rambling because im an idiot and i cant think and ooo its 1:11 am rn make a wish b*tches)

Okay im sorry ill begin~

A/n all of this is completely unedited and if bad grammar annoys you srry not srry

Lets talk about what fuckboy!jungkook is oki

I feel like in reality there are just a bunch of rumors about him but hes so smol and hes the quiet type so he doesnt have the energy to dismiss them

Like im sorry soft jungkook is way to good in my mind rn okay #cuddles4days im not in the mood for him to strangle me with his amazing biceps

Anyway

you never rlly met him in the 4 years of going to the same highschool as him (since you’re in those smart people classes like humanities) until senior year

You and him had the same AP Lit. class lmao english class is  l i t

Which surprised you bc of the rumors like i thought he was a badboy ?? arent those normally idiots ??

Nah my bby is a smart nugget, he just likes to look hella bf 25/8

First day of school cliche where you show up late to class and have to sit next to him because i  d i e  for those plots okay

But you dont know thats him because you’ve never seen him, so you’re confused on why most of the girls keep glaring at you

But soon enough you catch on and you’re like fml

And then the professor is like “where you are sitting is your assigned seating for the rest of the year” and you’re like f m L

He ends up introducing himself to you because i mean like table buddies

But hes really nervous because hes a cute little bean and you’re hella cute cuz lets be honest ur probably wearing like basic black leggings and a hoodie with your hood over your head to hide the bed hair you didnt feel like brushing that morning

Oh, just me? Okay…

He likes ur name because it rolls off the tongue and he thinks it suits you even tho he doesnt know you

Yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You dont really think hes a fuckboy because he seems so nice and he has the cutest lil bunny smile sEE

That is until after school u end up getting to ur locker late because u left something in one of your classes

And u see him pinning a girl against the lockers down the hall

And ur like well shit nvm

And u quickly get ur shit and go because das  a w k w a r d

But then he sees u run off and hes like awh crap i dun fucked up

A few weeks go by and u notice he barely really comes to class so u usually sit alone

On days he does come his chair seems extra close to yours and he’s basically smothering you

But u dont mind because he smells nice

And on the days he does come you get kinda excited because

1) you get a partner who doesnt expect you to do all of the work

2) this boy cute when he gets all intelligent

Ur  like “yes pls continue speaking about the essay we are writing that i have no idea is on because i kept getting lost in the sound of ur voice”

He notices when u zone out because you start staring at his lips when hes talking and he thinks its the cutest thing

One day u get assigned a week long project and ur close enough friends with jungkook to basically scold and force him to come to class all week

But only if he can force u to come to his house to work on it after school

Which you’re low key nervous of because ur going to a ‘fuckboy’s house’ by yourself

And u dont wanna do the dirty because ur a pure child haha not for long

But you agree anyway

And honestly even after the project is done (which you got an A on) you continue going over to his house because his bed is comfortable and he always has snacks

And his mom loves you

Like legit on days you dont go the next day you do she’s like “wheRE WERE YOU”

When the semester is over the professor lets you pick seats but you both enjoy each other’s company so you stay seated together.

finally ur at his house one day and ur just laying on his bed scrolling thru insta and he’s sitting on his bean bag in the corner on his phone and u look up at him and realise

Shit

You like him

Like a lot

And u mentally face palm because this was not supposed to happen

But it happened and you’re too far down the hole to climb out

Sometimes u end up napping at his house after school because his bed is more comfortable than yours and one friday night u wake up in his arms

And its like the best feeling ever

Its so warm and hes so cuddly hes like latched onto you

You stay under the warm blankets before you question when he even got in bed since he was playing video games before you fell asleep

And then his phone lights up and ofc you check it for him bc ur a nosey bitch

But not before you observed how adorable he was while he was sleeping

Nope not creepy at all

its his friend tae texting him (you didn’t really know his friends since you had different friend groups)

You check it and its smth like “stop staring at y/n while shes sleeping and reply u creep”

And you’re like w a t

So you scroll up and see that while u were sleeping jungkook went on a full rant on how cute u are and how whipped he is

And ur like holy fadoodles dis boy likes me

And so u decided to text tae like “this is y/n, does he actually like me”

Which turns into you both having a convo on how thirsty jungkook is until he wakes up

Hes like wtf r u doing and he snatches the phone and reads through your messages with tae while u like sit up to stare at him

And he’s still half asleep so it takes him to realise whats going on

“Omfg y/n i can explain-”

He starts rambling about how long he had been crushing on u and that he didn’t want to tell you because you seemed uninterested so he kept it a secret and never told anyone

And honestly he was freaking out because the onE tiMe he tells anyone that he likes you, you find out

But while he’s rambling you’re coming up with an excuse to text your mom that you’re spending the night at his house, so you just say he’s not feeling well and his parents are gone for the weekend.

Lmao she doesnt care she’s just like “lmao ik ur lying but have fun dont get pregnant”

Or Maybe thats just my mom idk

You have to shut him up by snatching his phone out of his hands and kissing him

When you pull away you’re just like “you talk too much lmao”

You explain to him that you like him too and u just get under the covers again and snuggle up next to him, and he wraps his arms around you

And you stay like that for a while before hes like “its late you should get home”

And you tell him you’re staying the night whether he likes it or not

And he is so down for that

But then you end up just spending the weekend there because why not his parents love you

And every night is just filled with cuddling, watching netflix, making out, late night snacks, etc.

Saturday night he gets a lil touchy and soon enough ur like straddling him and grinding your hips against his

But then he’s like “Ive never done this before” and you c o m b u s t

Ur like aren’t you like the school fuckboy how have you not done this

And he tells you its all just rumors and hes too lazy to set the record straight

And you basically decide to take things slow that night since it was you’re first time too and honestly it was so cute

It wasn’t really steamy rough sex it was more soft fluffy love making that is filled with giggling and exploring and appreciating each other

That was definitely the night you fell in love with him

Which is big because you thought love was gross

The next day you’re cuddling and he’s like “you know ur my gf now”

And ur like duh

You start going on cute dates after that like going to cafes or amusement parks

He loved taking you to the beach during the summer because u looked gr8 in a bikini

You found out you were going to the same college with was fantastic, so you decided to rent an apartment together nearby the campus instead of living in a dorm.

Which normally you’d be against because moving in together so quickly ?? but you felt different like this relationship was going to last

UNTIL HE CHEATED

Lmao jk gotcha bitch

My baby is too pure and innocent to cheat

Well innocent until you both get into bed and then oh lord it gets steamy

He wants to experiment with like e v e r y t h i n g and honestly you were down

But ofc you set some boundaries.

There were lines he couldn’t cross

I mean sometimes he tried but you shut that down real quick

Overall your relationship was perfect and you couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend

I mean he brought you pizza rolls and dr pepper to ‘study dates’ how could you not love him.

Oml it took me over an hour to write this its like 2:30 am why am i awake anyway imma go to bed now, idk ur name jungshookz but pls write more fanfics i need more to read late at night okay gnite

[vickiiithedon-blog]

What’s been happening with Vibes (that's me)

I’m here writing because I have a lot on my chest. I had a semi-serious relationship recently that did not go well. The man ended up dancing on someone red headed weave big booty girl at a Jamaican party after I was in the hospital sick and posted it on SNAPCHAT!! So learning from my last relationship, I naturally wanted to have a conversation. He was NOT going for it. this man called me childish because the girl was just a friend and that I was over reacting. I would not be making such a huge deal if the girl wasn't grinding on him like COME ON I'm not crazy like that. In all of this I consulted my friend T and she's like download tinder and forget about this man , I cant be putting all my eggs in one basket especially since you know how people can switch up at the flick of a light *PERIOD* so I download tinder and change my picture as I'm swiping left and right, I feel really bad and like I'm cheating  so I text him he's ignoring me again so I just end the night sad as fuck in my feelings . We ended up talking about the situation, and I thought we were good apparently we weren't, he was still upset about it. I really made him feel some type of way. He ignored me over the new year break that I had from work , like either dry texting me or just texting me when he was bored. He broke up with me over TEXT and you know I was really okay with the whole situation. I don't think I’m wrong for downloading an app and keeping my options open, when he made it seem like I wasn't trying to talk about the situation . actually I am wrong in the point that I'm in a relationship and on a dating app yeah that's bad. if only he talked to me in the moment. also he's very closed and small minded and super insecure because he would always point out my flaws and things that he thinks I would be/ should be insecure about and I'm not. I'm not saying he's a bad guy or anything but there's obviously something going on and the fact that he wants to get back together after breaking up with me and saying oh he cant forgive me or trust me.This man had the nerve to tell me he doesn't think I took the situation as serious as he did, WHAT YOU NOT GONNA DO IS ACT LIKE I DIDNT TRY TO MAKE US MOVE ON PERIOD. on some real shit this man isn't stable in the states papers wise if you can catch my drift. I'm thinking that he realized he FUCKED UP and his shit is coming to a close so let me make nice with this girl. after he broke up with me I posted something on snap to the terms of someone link with me, he's like “ask one of your tinder friends” insecurity right there!!!!!! Then decides to text me like “ do you cheat on all your exs” because my stupid ass decided to open up to him and tell him I cheated on saman last year. Then blocks me on social media and then follows me when he wants to get back together. bottom line I tried to fix it with this man he wasn't going, and now that I'm doing my shit he's clocking me Oh and about clocking when this man asked me if I cheated on all my exs I told him to stop clocking me HE GONNA SAY YOU NOT JUJU (an Instagram model I think) or the Kardashians I was laughing so hard LIKE OKAY NIGGA NOW YOU CLOCKING ME anyways that's my piece right now. I'm super happy being just with vibes but I do get lonely, I'm a lover. figuring out who she is FULLY trying to find a rhythm between comfortability within, PEACE within VIBES within. With more to come.

Vibes

time unknown

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 174

Sevyn

"I'm going to New York to party with white boys." Chris says in my face.

I grab his cheeks pinching them. "You are a white boy."

He sticks his tongue out. "I fuck like one."

"There's only one place for your tongue and it's nowhere near my face."

"Here?" He says putting his hands on my nipple.

I let his face go. "I don't know. See."

"No." he says standing up. "I'm going to New York to party with white boys. Right now."

"What about your show in the morning in Houston?"

He shrugs. "I'll leave my white boy party in time."

"I'm going to Miami to roast in the sun."

"Miami? What's in Miami? Not no fucking Spider."

I narrow my eyes at him. "What's this relationship that you created in your head between me and Spider? Who I only worked with one time."

"I might go to Miami." he says.

"No. I am going to Miami in the morning when you are headed to your show."

He seems like he gets pissed. "Don't fucking do shit like that. When I leave. So you want to make sure I don't fucking go?"

"Christopher Maurice." I say turn over on my side. "I don't have time for your ranting."

"Whatever."

I roll my eyes. He so insecure. "It's a family trip, Christopher."

"That I'm not invited to."

"You really aren't but since it's just me and Tim you are more than welcome."

Chris folds his arms. "Your dad birthday thing?"

"Yeap. But do come. After your show. Fly right on out to Miami."

"I'm good." he says lying on the bed.

"Why are we in this ugly room?"

"Gave my bed to Mama Rose. You got a problem with that?"

I look at his face. "I have a fucking problem with your fucking mood swings. I mean damn, weren't you upset?"

"I need someone to tell me what to do about this baby."

"Joyce told you she had it under control. Why do you still need something?"

He blows. "I'm tired of Joyce always handling shit. I'm grown. I can handle shit myself."

I laugh. "Since when? You just said..."

"Aaahhh." he says covering my mouth. "You fake, Amber."

"I'm real, my nigga. From forehead to toe."

He laughs. "Yeah cause this shit ain't real."

"Get out of my hair and go hang with your white boys. I will be fine at the Happy Home til then morning."

"I'm staying here." He says undressing.

I turn over on my side and start snoring. He puts his warm body on me. We call their house the Happy Home because when we are here there are never problems. It's always a place to relax and wine down the craziest of everything outside the house. The door is always open. It a vacation spot around beautiful people. Plus Cammie and Trey are perfect and inspirational. Black Love.

"Lane was running around the house earlier naked."

"When?" I laugh.

"You were gone. This morning."

I laugh. "He is a mess. He told me that I need to go to my house. Not his house but my own house. His reason was because I turned the TV while he was gone out of our room."

"He calls me a bitch every time he gets in trouble."

"Cammie will pinch his ass whenever he curse no matter who he talking to. She said it's gone too far."

Chris starts kissing my breasts. "I kinda hope the kid is mine but I wish it was different."

"I saw her."

"What?" he says sitting up.

I smirk. "You pissed me off so I didn't tell you. She was with her grandma. Looking just like you. You knew there was a possibility a big one that she was yours. She is yours if you need to hear it."

"When the hell were you mad at me?"

"Bruh, we didn't talk for days. Do you not remember this?"

He sighs. "Doing the tour."

"Okay, thank you."

"You welcome." he sits up smiling. "She looks like me?"

I roll my eyes. "Exactly why I didn't say nothing before."

"Joyce said everything will be known by tomorrow. She won't tell me what it means."

"You should be mad I kept it from you."

He shrugs. "Not at the Happy Home. It's all love here."

I laugh. "You fake."

"I've been trying to make a fucking baby with any and everybody but her. Crazy bitch don't desire the baby."

"Oh yeah let's talk about your exes and all the unprotected sex you had with them. Eww."

"Oh shut up. You nasty."

I put my feet on his chest. "I'm a lady."

He lifts my legs higher. "Ladies don't fuck people like me."

"Actually, good girl, bad boy. Ladies do fuck boys like you. It's a common problem."

"It's the dick." he says putting my ankles on his shoulder.

I laugh. "Yeah, that would be why you can't keep them. That's not enough at the end of the day. Dick is out there."

"Who the hell I was with that was a good girl? Trying to come for me. Shut your fucking crusty lips and focus on opening these lips." he says rubbing his head on my pussy.

"Completely silent, Master?"

He ignores me. I start to laugh but he enters me pushing deep. I smile at him. I play too much so I'm going to try my best not to make a sound. Good dick might make that hard. I shallow the stop the moan. Shit. Chris looks from watching himself perform. He looked confused but he doesn't stop. He pushes all the way inside of me pressing his body against my legs. Oh shit. I take a deep breath. He opens my legs enough for his body to come through. I hold back my smile once he is in my face.

"I know what you like." he says.

"Okay, Chris." I make it short.

He starts to say something but doesn't say shit. He starts grinding into me. I close my eyes. I smile at him then open my eyes. He sits up. I ain't fighting it anymore. He pushes against my legs then starts thrusting faster. I let whatever come out of my mouth that wanted to. I try to move his hands. He was about to fuck it all up with a cramp in my leg. He lifts my hips bringing them to him more. Fuck.

  MiMi

JJ picks up the diaper putting it behind his baby. "Where the diaper?"

I gasp. "Oh no. What did I do with it?"

"Mookie, listen to this." Dee says taking the diaper from JJ.

"Aye!" JJ says.

"Go eat your food."

JJ runs out of the room really fast. Well damn is he that hungry? Dee slides Minnie over to him then grab the wet wipes. I wasn't going to change words about him changing that green bean diaper. I gave her food for the first time. Baby food. JJ has fed her something before.

"You mighty happy. Changing diapers and shit."

"What the hell?" Dee says. "Why is it green?"

"I told you I gave her peas."

He makes a face close to her face. "If I ever have problems with you I'm reminding you of this moment."

"Look at how she is looking at you."

"Take my serious." he says touching her nose with his. She laughs at him. "I found the perfect place for the wedding."

"You wanted me to listen to that?"

He reaches in his pocket taking out his cellphone. "No, I want you to listen to this voicemail. I accept you getting mad but remember that it's not real. You don't even have to remember that. I'll tell you again."

"I don't like it. Don't let me hear it."

"Then you gonna say I was hiding shit." he says playing the message.

It's a girl's voice. "Hey, Bae. Just calling to see how you doing. I sure did miss having you in my arms. Now that you are gone again I seem lost without you. Yes, I understand you finally settling down. I just want to know if you think about us. What we would have had if she hadn't gotten pregnant. Do you still think about me? Anyway, I'm babbling. Hit me up if you want to do us just one last time before you become that family man she pushing you so hard to be. Love always, your Little Tot."

"I didn't even want to hear that shit."

"Who said I wanted to hear it?"

I roll my eyes. "Wont you give her whatever the fuck it is she wants."

He stands Minnie up then smiles at her. "Give her our kids and your identity?"

"What? You can't give away... Shut up."

"Moo, she wants to be you. She wants what we have. I told you how bad she wanted my baby."

I roll my eyes. "That's the fucking thing. Oh my gosh. Why we even talking about the bitch you cheated on me with?"

"We weren't officially back together."

"Oh please."

He lies Minnie down in front of me then stands up straight. "Alright moving on. I haven't talked to this girl since. Damn, Mook, I thought you would ask how she got my new number. You not even mad like I thought."

"I'm moving forward to be a better us. Keep up with the Jones. People tell me how much my relationship is but I don't agree cause we had problems. I'm moving forward. Are you?"

"A job where the cops can't come lock me up at any moment and food on my table. I'm moving forward."

"Minnie?" I say rubbing her stomach. "Are you moving forward?"

Dee chuckles. "I'm even moving forward from my idea that I'm less than a man for not having millions like my friends. I need new friends."

I laugh. "Hang with your old broke friends."

"In Charleston? Mookie how you expect me to do that? Plus they talking shit about me being a monkey on the fence. Halfway between the white man's world and the hood."

"Damn, they not giving you any in between? It's sellout or selling foodstamps?"

He laughs. "They don't know that every where I am is because of you. Fuck a white man. I'm living to make you happy."

"Awh, ain't you sweet."

JJ comes in the room. "When we going to Lane house?"

I smile. "We aren't going today."

"Not ever?"

"Not today. Where did you get that from?" I ask staring at him.

Dee looks at him. "Go play with your toys. Do you not have fun toys?"

"I don't have Lane."

"Lane is not a toy. Did you eat your food?"

He nods his head. "All my hot dog."

"Go play."

"He gets little statments from nowhere. That boy has too many toys."

I few seconds later you could hear him making a lot of noise. Same thing he does with Lane he does here alone. Bad ass thinks that he has to play with only Lane. Surprised he didnt ask to go see Joyce. He loves that line when he is in trouble.

"Minnie." Dee says picking her up. "It's kinda boring here."

"It's home. Make it not boring. What is wrong with y'all?"

He puts Minnie down. "I do have a new Xbox. Let me see if Trey wants to get online."

"You could have stayed at his house for that." I roll my eyes.

"Not to play online."

"If you bored, get your daughter. I'm mad she doesn't sleep all day anymore. I want to sleep all day still."

He takes her. "At this age they are perfect video game buddies. They don't want to do nothing but stare at the TV. I got you Minnie."

"I got to use the bathroom, Mommy." JJ yells holding himself.

"Go pee!"

"It stuck." JJ whines.

I pull myself off the bed quickly against my will. JJ starts crying as I take his pants loose. I pick him up and take him to the bathroom. I don't think kids are truly accident free until 7 or 8. JJ definitely has lots of issues. I stand him up in the tub then sit his potty in the tub. He attempts to pee in the potty but it goes over the tub. He was still upset about the whole thing. I undress him then wash him off. He leaves crying to Dee.

"Boy, hush. Go get some clothes."

"Pajamas?"

"Yeah, go."

I clean the tub then go into the room. Dee is on the phone laughing really hard. Why does he feel the need to video chat with Trey? Trey is hard down telling him a story. Dee laughs extra loud. He fake. I lay down on the bed watching him. He tells Trey about the ex girlfriend.

"Oh you ain't even famous." Trdy laughs. "Imagine shit coming from different angles. Exes, one night stands, the bitch that gave you a pen, the girl that touched your hand without permission, hell the fan you never met... One ex. Great."

"Well, damn. It is just one."

Trey laughs. "But the bitch can do damage. I'm writing my own advise novel. Eliminate them all. One bitch can take away years from a life you love. One bitch can get in your head when you slipping. One wrong move. Bam. Some other nigga playing house with your happy family you worked hard to make."

"You reading this?" Dee laughs.

"I tell myself that every time I walk away from my family into temptation. One bitch out there waiting. Shit thousands. You got one. I'm surprised a few of my exes are still silent. So how this girl got your number? Nope hold up. Put your headphones on. Beckham you in my fucking lounge again?" the phone hangs up.

Dee laughs out loud again. "We need another player. Huh? Oh nah. I sure didn't. No lie. Aye, my number not hard to get. Especially when these iPhones fucking sends shit to old contacts that it wants to get out the fucking cloud. That has happened."

"Oh my goodness!" I yell kicking the bed. "Shut up. Play your game and stop chatting. Why you even start the game in here?"

"I wanted to be close to you."

"Devin don't make me throw something at the back of your head."

"Don't hit my daughter."

I turn over on my side. "Shut up and we won't have problems."

"Yeah, I'm on restriction. It's limited to game talk." he says then laugh. "I'm sorry, Bae. I'm done."

"I put my clothes on." JJ says walking into the room.

Dee laughs. "Homie, you going some place special? You look sharp. Hold on."

"I go to Lane house?"

"Little homie, go play. Good job putting your clothes on."

Dee takes a picture. JJ had on a fitted top and black dress pants. He really did put them on well. I chuckle then close my eyes. I know this nap is not going to happen. No sooner than the thought leaves my mind. JJ starts crying.

"Don't climb on her fucking head!"

"I want to play." JJ cries.

Dee stands him up on the floor. "Don't play with me boy."

"No fair."

"Go play your game."

"Not the baby game."

Dee ignores him. I sigh and turn over to watch them. JJ is going to continue until he gets popped. Dee continues to laugh extra loud. He should have stayed on the phone so I could hear his conversation. Trey may have done it on purpose.

[irregulardiaryposts]

16:35 01/03/2021

so. its now march!!!!! march is an okay month. but it also means its been a year since corona really kicked off and thats proper weird to think about. it feels like absolutely fuck all has actually changed but yet im a very different person yk. i played minecraft for 10 hrs last week. im addicted to it. this time last year i was kinda sick and we thought i had corona but since testing wasnt really available i just had to stay home ages. it was horrible but to think that was a whole YEAR ago is absolutely fucking wild. 

anyway back to minecraft. i absolutely love it. its such a simple game and you can truly play however you want to. like. if u dont want to bother beating the enderdragon or doing any serious grind stuff, you can literally just fuck about doing whatever you wanna do... u wanna build a little cottage in the woods? yes. u wanna pick lowers and decorate and build cute farms? yes. u wanna explore a vast and expansive world filled with literally endless possibilities and find pets and loot and different biomes and blocks? yes. you wanna mess around with ur friends? yes. u wanna do pvp or multiplayer games? yes. u wanna meet new people? yes. u wanna play by yourself and become exceedingly rich? yes. u wanna do all this and comforted by the melodic tunes and beautiful landscapes? yesssssssss. it literally has something for everyone but people get so pissy about how others play its soooo annoying. like so what if someone wants to go into creative and cheat or they wanna play on peaceful or they have keep inventory on? they are playing the game in the way they enjoy the most, the way that makes them happiest, makes them comforted, allows then to enjoy playing it. coz i bet if everyone was made to play the exact same way and there was no way to customise your experience, it would not be nearly as popular as it is. it probs wouldve died out if people werent enjoying it because they got frustrated by it, or too scared to lose their things to progress in the game, or too anxious to play because its scary and they dont know how to beat things. or if people play solely in creative and they enjoy that the most and wanna try survival, they dont deserve to get made fun of coz they want to ease their way into harder things. or if someone just wants to build or just explore or just tame a million dogs, as long as they are happy they are already enjoying the game to the max, they dont deserve people being like “ if u play without X youll enjoy it more coz thats the way we play it” like fuck off it would be like if a hardcore players was like “play in hardcore or ur stupid” ppl would get mad because thats not the way they want to play it and they wouldnt enjoy it as much or at all as the hardcore player does. and dont even get me started on this whole bedrock vs java bs. this its such a waste of time like??? who benefit from this argument? because its silly java players think they are automatically better than every bedrock player because they have java. 

like obviouslyyyyyy java is better and im sure a lot of bedrock players would rather java, but u cant lie and say that a lot of og players didnt start on bedrock and then upgrade to java, because as kids u cant really afford a proper pc but everyone has an xbox or an ipad lol. like they literally forget that they probably started playing on bedrock too. and its so stupid because yes while bedrock is a little shit in comparison to java, ITS STILL THE SAME FUCKING GAME just be glad were not fucking fortnite players jesus its pathetic. yes this is essentially a minecraft post and what fucking about it. i told u im obsessed with it. 

i should talk about something else. perhaps my crippling procrastination? its absolutely abysmal how shit at school i am now. i get two unconditional offers and suddenly i think i dont need to do a single bit of work (its kinda true tho) i only have three classes and in doing 1 and 1/2 of them. im not even bothering studying for prelims/exams whatever the fuck because im hopeless. theres no point because even if i do end up doing the exam and i fail theres absolutely no consequences because i have 0 shame. ill walk out of an exam i failed with my head held high because i know uni will be so much better - ill only have one subject, one i actually enjoy and want to do work for (only somewhat tho, my procrastination problems still carry through, im actually doing this instead of a 15 min thing for class but whatever) ill have a reduced working day, i can focus on just one subject, ill have other things to work on too like a part time (scary) and car (exciting) and ill get to meet new people that also want to learn spanish and are interested in it too, and i want to make more friends and i want to be more independent (moving out??? hopefully but also scary) 

i cant believe im actually at a point in my life where im actually interested in the future and want to live to see it (lol yeah) like i wonder what 13 yo me would think. even 15 yo me. i wonder how 20 yo me will look back on this. hi me if ur reading. do u have a s/o?? or new friends? how many new experiences have u had? are u comfortable in ur life? struggling ? happy? i hope ur happy coz u deserve to be. i deserve to be. i hope u have a good time reading these. i dont know if ill ever forget about this blog or not. what was i talking about tho. procrastination. its horrible, I hope u get that fixed pls tell me u do. also please tell me u get better at typing.  this has accidently turned into a speaking to ur future self thing. ill stop now. 

im a very good procrastinator. and my ability to actually focus on stuff has been getting comical. idk if its the pandemics fault or mine or schools but is a bloody issue and it needs to get better. i guess its coz i just have absolutely 0 energy do do what i need to or it just absolutely does not interest me to do it and i know theres absolutely no consequences to it looool. 

every now and then theres a day where i feel very unproductive and lazy and it feels like how it used to. a sort of growing annoyance at myself and feeling like a slug. idk some days i feel teleported back to like almost 4 years ago and idk what to do about it. i used to have a coping mechanism (?) where if i felt bad about stuff id just shower, wash my hair and put on new pjs and do something i wanted to do. it kinda put me in a clearer headspace and allowed be to get out of a slump for like 20 mins. u could call it self care or whatever but it genuinely was like washing the bad thoughts away and starting anew (is that the word) like i was able to think more rationally and get back into the semi real world but i was also doing it because i never used to have a proper shower routine, i used to go days without showering or getting out of bed for much and it kinda feels good to have this little reboot thing where i just shower to get me away from straying back there. 

idk. am i articulating well enough. ive written a lot i think. is there any more updates? nothing really apart from my growing disinterest in all things school lmao. anyway until next time i suppose (will probs be either never or like june lol)

[greezyscumbag]

Just Friends

Juice x Reader where Juice comforts the reader after she catches Jax cheating on her.

—

You shake your head in disgust as you take in the scene in front of you, your stomach churning with puke. Jax and Tara both look at you, their expressions similar to that of a child who’s been caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“I fucking knew it.” you spit, laughing with absolutely no humour. “You’re fucking welcome to one another. I’m done.”

You turn on your heel, fighting to keep your tears at bat as you keep your head up high, refusing to fall under the weight of betrayal.

“Baby, please-” You pull your arm back out of Jax’s grasp, spinning around and slapping him hard across the face. Your chest heaves up and down as you relish the sting on your palm, the increasing redness in Jax’s cheek making your chest swell with pride.

“I am not your fucking baby. You lost the right to call me that when you stuck your dick in your past.” Your tone is eerily calm, the type of calm that is more worrying than you screaming at the top of your lungs.

Truth is, you had a feeling something was going on, you’d even asked Jax upfront about it. Of course, he’d just brushed you off, making you feel like a paranoid bitch. Guess you weren’t wrong after all.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N).” Jax tries to reach out again, you stepping back out of his reach, instinct taking over. His eyes glisten with tears as he looks at you, not knowing how to fix the pained woman in front of him. “I didnt-”

“Please, do not insult my intelligence by trying to justify your actions.” you warn, your nails digging into your palm as you fight to keep yourself together, refusing to let the man you loved so much watch you crumble. “I’ll send someone round for my stuff. Goodbye, Jax.”

—

You smile, barely, in appreciation as you take the mug from your best friend, the warmth from the tea giving you slight comfort. “Thanks, Juice.”

“Don’t mention it.” he says, taking a seat across from you on the couch, leaning forward to grab the icecream and two spoons from the table. “Got your favourite, figured you’d need it.”

“You know me too well.” you joke lightly, moving in closer and grabbing the spoon being held out to you, a hefty scoop of ice cold mixture on the end. “I actually feel okay though. I think I sort of expected it.”

Juice nods, placing a scoop of the icecream inside his own mouth. “I know he’s my friend and all, but he’s such a fucking asshole sometimes.”

“You can say that again.” You sigh deeply as you let your thoughts go back to the scene you witnessed earlier, your eyes stinging with emotion. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise, you know you don’t have to do that with me.” Juice says opening his arms to you, you sliding into them thankfully, the two of you sinking into the cushions.

“I think I’d be lost without you.” you mumble, inhaling his scent, your eyes closing as his body radiates warmth. Juice holds you comfortingly, his fingertips trailing up and down your arm.

“You wouldn’t. You’re the strongest person I know.” he responds, meaning every word. He can never seem to understand how Jax finds it so easy to hurt you, especially when you deserve so much more. “You’d be fine.”

“Maybe.” you admit, leaning back to sit up straight, a soft smile on your face. “But I doubt I’d last long without my best friend.”

He nods, a nervous expression overcoming him as he watches you, your eyebrows frowning at the change. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” you say, stealing another scoop of the ice cream, your taste buds tingling at the flavour.

“Have you ever thought about us?” he asks, his fingers pulling at a loose thread on his grey sweatpants. You think about it for a moment, your tongue swirling over the spoon as you bask in your thoughts.

“Honestly, yeah.” Juice looks at you in shock, not expecting that response from you. You sink back into the couch, shrugging your shoulders. “I always thought I’d end up with you, but Jax happened instead I guess.”

Juice sighs, his hands running across his face in aggravation. You frown, moving forward to grasp his wrists gently, removing his hands so he’s forced to look at you. “What is it?”

He stares at you, his mouth opening as he tries to explain everything he’s feeling, but no words come out. His gaze flickers to your lips, your eyes widening as Juice leans in towards you, you leaning back subconsciously.

“Sorry, I-” Juice utters, pushing himself up from his seat and making his way to the hallway, heading towards the bedroom. You decide to shake all doubt from your being, quickly getting up and following Juice before he can lock himself away.

You grab his shirt within your grasp, him pausing and huffing before turning to you. You lean up swiftly once he faces you, capturing your lips with his own.

Your eyes flutter shut as you let yourself feel his soft lips, your hands resting on his chest, everything coming to you so naturally. Juice pulls away, a sound of upset leaving you. “What’re you-”

“Shh.” you whisper, your touch slipping under his shirt, him flinching at your cold fingertips as you run your fingers up and down his warm flesh, his eyes clenching shut in pleasure. “Please.”

Your shoulders relax in relief as Juice kisses you, his motions hesitant and wary. You scrape your nails lightly on his toned stomach, his hands moving to rest on your hips before squeezing lightly.

A moan escapes from you as Juice sucks on your lower lip, your core tingling at the feeling. You wrap your arms around him as you move backwards, your back pressing against one of the walls as his tongue slips past your lips, exploring the new found territory.

As the tension rises, Juice’s hands begin to wander, his fingers resting on the waistband of your pajama pants, your head nodding slightly in encouragement. Juice slips his hands into your trousers, your mouth parting as he rubs on top of your underwear teasingly, his touch featherlight.

“Juice.” you whine, pushing your hips off the wall in the hope of more pressure. Juice just smirks against your lips, his fingers rubbing circles on your clit as he moves his lips down your neck, his teeth nibbling lightly as he goes.

He swiftly pushes your panties aside, his digit sinking into you without any warning, your back arching as you suck in a harsh breath. He pumps his finger in and out at a wonderful pace, your hands finding their way to Juice’s biceps, the muscles flexing as he pleasures you.

“That feel good, baby? Hm?” he whispers, his teeth biting playfully at your ear. He picks up his speed as he adds his thumb into the game, swirling the pad deliciously on your clit as you writhe in pleasure. “Is my good girl gonna come for me?”

“Yes, oh god yes.” you pant as you grind against his hand, another digit being added inside of you as he curls his touch, your spot being hit perfectly. Your moan is caught by Juice’s lips as you come, your walls clenching and his fingers as he milks you through orgasm.

Once you’ve come down from your high, you’re picked up, Juice carrying you to his bedroom and placing you carefully on the mattress. He falls down next to you as you try to catch your breath, your body fatigued with euphoria as you run through understand what just happened.

“Was that okay?” Juice asks quietly, your head turning to the side to look at his face, his eyes trained on the ceiling. You laugh quietly, your fingers searching as you slot your hand between his, a content smile on your lips.

“It was perfect.” you admit, feeling the most relaxed you had in ages.

—

A/N - I wish this writers block would go away so I could write constantly, but it’s just so hard rn! Anyway, I hope you liked this!! Feel free to request if you want❤❤

[bloggy-hell]

We need to talk about 13 Reasons Why.

13 Reasons Why (2017): Receiving a 9.1 on imdb and bucketloads of media attention, this new Netflix release has earned a place on everyone's ‘to-watch list’ as it seems like we all want to know what the big deal is about a show that retraces the steps of a suicidal 17 year old.

Quick, Non Spoliery Synopsis by Yours Truly:

A 17 year old girl; Hannah Baker organises the circulation of 13 self-recorded tapes before slitting her arms and killing herself in her family bathtub. These tapes make their way through 10 of her friends, ex’s and enemies, each identifying the particular person and their wrongdoing in order, before reaching her shy crush Clay’s doorstep. Her rules say that he must listen to all of the tapes detailing why she killed herself and pass them on to the person who follows him. WIth each tape revealing intimate secrets about Hannah and Clay’s classmates, we follow him in his struggle to understand who this girl really was when she was alive, how she was treated by those she trusted and most importantly; why Hannah Baker killed herself.

Having just binged the whole 13 episodes over two disgustingly wet and cold days with my sister, i think I have a pretty good idea about what goes down.

I hope you’re ready because I’m about to tell you what I think of this story as a teenager in this modern world. And since there are 13 sides to every story I want to tell mine.

I want to be honest here and start off by saying in an almost critical way, that there were a lot of things about this show that I didn’t like at all. I’m not saying that I was forced to watch all 13 episodes against my will, I just think that sometimes there are only a few things that TV shows need to keep you coming back.

Unanswered questions are one of those things, so so many questions which I personally need to have answered by a show, before it slowly drives me insane and I have to look up a spoiler synopsis..

But who wants to cheat TV shows when you may as well just watch them? Hell, if i can sit through 7 years of the Pretty Little Liars mystery, then I had faith that I could sit through 13 episodes, and I did. My main questions centred around the tapes, specifically; what on earth did Clay do to make him partly ‘responsible’ for Hannah’s death?

So many things to question and discuss but really where to begin?

Let’s put ‘7 things that really grind my gears’(1 for each of the tapes of course) into a list and see how I go before this become a sad, sad rant.

*Disclaimer* I did actually enjoy the show overall so please keep this in mind with what you see below

1: When Clay begins to irk me, the other characters and the entire human species Portrayed by Dylan Minnette, (who believe it or not, has played a character named Clay before, WTF) Clay Jensen is a socially awkward yet well liked student who can hold a place on the school’s honour board yet cannot hold a conversation with a girl. His cringey yet endearing nature promotes him as a lovable protagonist, an innocent light in the darkness of an extremely tough situation. I found myself quite often taking his side in the show and totally rooting for his character.

Despite this, Clay’s loyalty and love for Hannah often poses as quite irritating and almost unrealistic (even if he was a sensitive guy) considering the way she treats him. Throughout the whole debacle, so many accuse Hannah of being dramatic, selfish and attention seeking. Clay however. seems to believe 95% of the time that she was some perfect being who could do no wrong in the world, that the responsibility for killing herself could not have been her own. Of course I am aware of looking at someone through rose coloured glasses when youre keen on them but, to put it bluntly; you’d think that might change when they die.

2: The fact that Clay has like zero close friends yet everyone seems to like him

Everyone who has ever been to high school knows that you need a solid few close friends to bounce back on, who you can trust. There is often a reason therefore that people don’t have any, usually the fact that nobody likes them. This just causes the whole plot idea to make no sense, because everyone at the school seemed to really like Clay. With the exception of Tony who he rarely sees anyway, Clay never had anyone to hang out with before or after school or even at lunchtime, unless of course it was someone he had a ‘school project’ with.

3: The ‘jock crowd’

So most of the jock crowd, who of course run the school, are in the basketball team and are therefore given a leeway that most students aren’t. It makes complete sense for them to stick together, just as they do in every other US teen drama. Their group dynamic however has a small cult vibe to it  that is simply unsettling. These guys do everything together, support each other in fights, follow each other on their dates and supposedly tell each other everything. For some reason this group also includes the dorky class president and resident sadboi with unmatching hair and eyebrows. Now I’m not disputing that this couldnt happen irl because everyone has the right to befriend whoever they want, it just seems to me that these personalities together would clash. We all know they are together at the ‘present time’ because of the tapes, but for previous times, im just not buying it. Perhaps the writers couldn’t be bothered creating separate groups for each of those targeted on the tapes and introducing more characters into the 13 episodes created.

4: Is there no other girls at Liberty High?????

The jock crowd as specified above hold the place as the most sought after students in the High School yet it seems as though the only girls that exist to them are Hannah and Jessica. What happened to the entire cheer squad or the whole student body? Are these 2 new girls so amazing that no other girl could be considered an option? It seems almost like some game of musical chairs, except the chairs are the boys and Jessica and Hannah end up on a different lap every time the music stops.

5: WHo the fuck does Courtney think she is?

If you got through all 13 episodes without dedicating a split second of anger towards Courtney Crimsen then bravo my friend because this character literally drove me up the wall. Props to actress Michele Ang I suppose because this bitch fired me up real bad. Ever heard of the phrase ‘Dead men tell no tales’ well clearly Courtney disagrees, 100% hell bent on convincing everyone that Hannah was lying in the tapes so that she could continue living in denial of her sexual preference. Continually pushing Hannah onto the dirt road to get hit by whatever was coming her way there is zero surprise that she made her way onto the tapes, the selfish bitch that she is. (Speaking of Courtney) Netflix also needs to be a bit more careful about their wardrobe choices in such a recent Riverdale episode and season release of this show perhaps?

6: Zach DID NOTHING WRONG

Poor, sweet Zach. A whole episode and tape side that started with just one heated conversation in the cafeteria- where he juST wanted to go on a date with Hannah??? Of course at this point Hannah was not in a good place, so any small prank becomes a national disaster- but how was he to know before she gave him the letter of explanation. A letter which, considering his home and friend situation, he could not go to anyone for help with, especially if he feared that it would be telling Hannah’s secret. Zach really just reacted how 90% of teenagers would; he froze, he didnt know how to act, so he did nothing.

This is what got me about like half of the characters on the tapes, most of them just acted out of fear and didnt know what else to do, yet Hannah seemed to expect so much more from them. Which brings me to my final bullet point on the list;

7: Hannah fucking Baker

Where do I even start? It’s a really touchy subject to address; her character really annoyed me-I guess she really annoyed herself as well, considering her fate. Hannah at the end of the series is completely lost, she’s got so much on her shoulders and believes that there is no other way to turn. But Hannah at the beginning, I couldnt stand her. She had so much going for her yet she let every single obstacle get her down, none of her friends were good enough, all of the boys offended her, every tiny issue became a national disaster. I can’t help but think that if she hadn’t cared so much perhaps she might have found a way to work through her struggles without turning to the last resort. But i get it, this isnt a show about getting through problems and happy endings, it’s all about worse case scenarios. This is why Hannah does and says what she does, so that the situations can be both relatable and believable- for if Hannah gets torn up about high school rumours, then sexual assault and car accidents would be unbearable without professional help. I understand this now as I look at the plot as a whole, but during, oh hell that girl needed a slap into reality. Just watch it, you’ll understand.

Don’t get me wrong though, there were also a lot of things that I liked about 13 reasons why.

-I loved the cassette tapes; a timeless way of recording and listening to anything, a much appreciated throwback in such a modern show

-I loved Tony who I think we can all agree does not look 17 but I’m not complaining, so sweet and such a good friend/person (and i loved his car of course)

-I loved how sweet and loving Clay was. As an eternally single pringle, my heart leapt for his cute crushing, even if it did become tiring

-I loved the almost vintage feel to the cinematography, the colours and shots almost dulled to the tone

-I loved how the concept of rape was not only addressed, but focused on as well as the idea of consent. Whilst these scenes may have been almost uncomfortable, they were necessary and extremely powerful.

-I loved how the show centered around outsiders, the quiet and socially awkward, the unusual characters and their interaction with the well known highschool stereotypes.

-Most of all, I loved how the show displayed how suicide destroys so many more than the person who died. Friends and family may never recover, forever question what they could have done differently, some also led to further suicides. 

It’s a hard topic but I am so glad that it is being talked about, even if there are disagreements because at least it is now out in the open. I personally believe that suicide is an incredibly selfish act which I understand that many people could disagree with.  I get it, I’ve never stepped into shoes like that and that’s fine, but i know for sure that if anyone in my life chose to end theirs then it would absolutely destroy me- just as the strongly portrayed characters were torn apart. 

Let me know what you think.