#but also. we are really rejecting a lot of the wedding concept. it's possible this is going to end up being two speeches and a dance party.

[unopenablebox]

attempt to idly discuss concept of custom wedding vows with 🌸 ground to a halt after the realization that neither of us actually, like, wants to try to figure out what the fuck we'd be promising

can you do custom vows, but instead of vows to do stuff, it's just a list of the superbly good qualities of the other person in order to make it clear why any rational actor would agree that you should obviously plan to keep hanging out with them as long as possible

[greenerteacups]

That reminds me of why I really dislike that the epilogue exists.... other than the fact that it's totally unnecessary and adds nothing of importance to the story, it actually portrays, in my opinion, a strangely stagnant and therefore bitter (imo) ending for these characters I truly loved through my childhood and teens... Like, the fact that they just...stayed the same... married the person they started dating in school (regardless of actual compatibility)...the same friendships and enmities.... I just remember reading that epilogue and immediately rejecting it cause I found it weirdly depressing and it also kinda felt like the author was kinda forcing the characters into a certain destiny beyond what was necessary, which sounds really weird but I do think there's a point where, as a writer, you have to let the story go and leave 'what happens next' to the readers' imaginations.

there's a reason for this, i think. i actually happen to like a lot of the endgame couples — i think that harry and ginny being straight-out-of-school/married-young-in-wartime sweethearts is cute, and makes sense for their characters. i like the idea of them naming the kids after harry's parents, Sirius, and Luna (Obvious Exception Notwithstanding!!!) because it ties in with the themes of family/love transcending death and also happens to be a real-life phenomenon that young couples do to commemorate the wartime dead! i think it's great that neville's a herbology professor — it's an ultimate triumph over Snape to become the exact opposite kind of teacher, one who offers support and understanding to slow-learning children — and although i hate what happened to Lupin and Tonks, the idea of Harry raising Teddy as his own son/nephew/younger brother/Unidentified But Beloved Family Member in the same way Sirius probably would have raised Harry, if he had the chance. it ties in very well with "healing past wrongs" as an underlying motif for the next generation.

and you know what, fuck it, i'm not ashamed to say it: I like the Third Gen kids. they are good character concepts and they have hints of interesting story arcs! I like the idea of harry's oldest son being this ridiculously high-energy, sociable, nosy-ass Fred Weasley type popular kid, because — yeah, that's what both of your parents are! of course you're like that! and I really like the idea of [REDACTED MIDDLE CHILD NAME] being a Slytherin with strong moral values, because that's an arc that frankly should have happened in the original books, and it reads like a graceful acknowledgement of how the author mishandled Slytherin House (even if it's kind of dissonant with their behavior in the Battle of Hogwarts, but whatever). Lily we don't have much to go on, but she reads a bit like a young Ginny if she were less shy. but none of that quality changes the fact that these characters shouldn't exist.

authors coming to the end of their first work have trouble letting go of it, especially when that work is long. (even though it was her seventh book, Deathly Hallows was the first time JKR ever had to actually end a "story" as such). they're scared of leaving something out, and I think these long-range time jumps are a reaction to the desire to hold onto these characters as long as possible — to delay the inevitable goodbye, and claim authorship of as much of their characters' lives as possible. the problem is that you don't want to undo the happy ending they've just earned, so you can't realistically portray the tensions and breakups and conflicts that would happen if the characters were left to develop naturally for nineteen years. which is why the epilogue feels false to me.

and the funny thing is, for fans of the "canon" epilogue ships, ending it after the Battle of Hogwarts wouldn't change anything! it's ironic, because in theory you'd want an author to confirm that your pairing gets a big happy wedding, but when a ship is endgame, it's assumed that they have a "happy ever after" anyways. we don't read Percy Jackson and assume that he and Annabeth have an acrimonious divorce in their 40's. we don't wonder (at least, not as serious analysts of the text) if Arwen and Aragorn need to get couples counseling. maybe they do, and maybe they would, but that's not relevant to the story that's being told, and the way the narrative frames it, the "ending" of their story is itself the end of the line for their pairing. the moment you stop writing, they exist in perpetuity as a loving relationship, and you don't need to tell us they get married! they have been immortalized as lovers! harry and ginny would be THE endgame couple of the series whether or not we knew their children's names. they are each others' destiny.

and the end of the day, the problem with the epilogue boils down to this: either their story ends at the battle of hogwarts, or it didn't. if it didn't, then it looks like you have another book to write. and if it did, then it's time to take your hands off the wheel.

[linagram]

deleted MV scenes!

I'M FINALLY DONE WITH THESE DJSJKDKD

anyway, this is just a collection of scenes and concepts and themes that were originally supposed to appear in some prisoners' t2 mvs, but for one reason or another i've ended up not going with them. perhaps i will add one or two of these into their future mvs, who knows!

- One of the first ideas I had about Akio's MV was adding some chess motifs and there was supposed to be a scene with Akio and Arata playing chess together, Akio losing to him and Arata opening his mouth and revealing that one of the pieces was on his tongue. Yes, it was basically a "smart kid not understanding how he's losing to me and me who's been eating his pieces when he wasn't looking". And now it's possible that Deep Cover will have a chess theme. Canongram stop stealing my ideas!! /j

- Fun fact: that scene was deleted not only because I don't know anything about chess, but also because Arata was supposed to be shown in a very sympathetic way, explaining Akio's obsession with him. His true colors will be shown in Akio's T3 MV though.

- I also had a thought about adding a scene where when Akio's getting hanged, MV focuses on Akio's neck and then the video suddenly cuts to Chise's neck and shows that even though both of them died the same way, Chise has noticeable red marks on his neck, implying that the murder methods were actually a bit different.

- Shun's MV had a huge number of different concepts, for example, I was thinking of his MV having a royal theme, but that concept was abandoned after I finished writing Akio's MV and also I thought of his MV having a casino theme? I will not elaborate. I also really wanted his MV to have a wedding theme, but then Mahiru's album cover was revealed and I got scared that his MV will be too similar to hers, so I changed it. But Mahiru's MV theme turned out to be different, so I can already say that another prisoner will most likely get a MV with a wedding scene in season 3.

- Some examples of deleted scenes from the wedding MV: There were several wedding cakes, but all of them looked different and had different decorations (I forgot what they're called..) and if you looked closer, you could notice that next to the small figure of Shun, the small figures of brides were all different. Shun was also supposed to propose to his "ex" and it looked all cute and romantic in his head, but in reality Hina looked at him with disgust and fear and rejected him.

- In the end, Shun was supposed to be shown sitting and watching TV with Kei, who looked like he was about to cry while Shun held his hand and smiled.

- I had a LOT of concepts for Kei's MV in mind, and before I started writing Naomi's MV, I was thinking of giving him a "devil form" or a scene that takes place in hell instead of Naomi. But I thought that would be too obvious or predictable for someone like him and instead gave it to Naomi.

- There was also a possibility of Kei getting a MV with an art theme, but I thought it would be too similar to Aimi's T1 MV. The MV was also supposed to show Kei painting a portrait of Ruka.

- Kei's "almost final" MV was supposed to start like this: everything is completely black and then we see a coffin the same color as Kei's image color and there's a spider web drawn on it and we see Ruka walking closer to it and opening it. Kei is asleep and then Ruka kisses him and forcefully drags him out of it. It was supposed to mean that not only Kei helps Ruka feel "more alive", it's the same for Ruka helping Kei and it also was supposed to be a reference to Snow White. Why Snow White? It's up to you to figure out :)

- Kei's almost final MV was supposed to reveal a lot about his past, but then I was like "We don't even know a lot about his crime. Why should I reveal his backstory here".

- For example, Kei's younger version was supposed to be shown and he was supposed to follow older Kei around and find his current lifestyle shocking meanwhile older Kei found his younger version embarrassing.

- There was also a scene of Kei getting cannibalized by the women he killed and the lyrics referenced his VD title and him existing only for others' entertainment.

- The first concept I had in mind for Eiko's MV was her going on a date with Takeru, but since he lied to her and pretended to be someone else and she didn't even know what he looked like, he would change his appearance every few seconds and in the end Eiko was supposed to "take off his mask" and reveal that Takeru was a corpse all this time. Shun's MV ended up having a similar scene instead, with him talking to Hina and her boyfriend even though both of them are dead.

- Asahi and Yurika's MV concepts didn't change much, but I just find it interesting how Kei saw what those women did to him as actual cannibalism meanwhile Yurika, despite her theme and her MV's aesthetic, still saw a lot of the scary things as candy, chocolate and all that stuff. Kinda reminds me that she's still very young even if she's legally an adult and how her parents forced her to live alone hoping that she would become more mature..

- There was also a scene with Asahi going full John mode and breaking everything with a bat, showing how he doesn't care about the things Satsuki buys for him.

- Riku had a completely different MV concept at first. Yes, he was still supposed to be a famous musician, but most of the MV was supposed to take place at this really cool house and Riku was supposed to be shown as someone who lives a very comfortable life, someone who's both rich and talented, but overall feels empty on the inside. There was also a scene with his friend's ghost haunting the place where he lives.

- In the end Riku and Yue were supposed to fall together from the roof of an insanely high building and Riku would be shown as the only survivor and everyone would ignore Yue's body. Riku was supposed to look at his body with disgust and turn back to his friends and fans while wearing a suit covered in Yue's blood and the last scene would reveal that Riku is missing a shoe.

- I also wanted Riku's MV to have a vampire theme, as a reference to Riku and Yue's relationship, with both of them drinking each other's blood even though it hurts them and they need human blood and not the blood of another vampire. But then I read what I wrote again and went ".. No, I won't be able to continue saying that Riku and Yue's relationship was platonic after this".

[transitorri]

My First Experience with Polyamory

I feel almost obligated to say before beginning this story, I don’t really identify as Monogomous or as Polyamorous, for a while now I tend to go with however my partners choose to identify, and my philosophy has been “I’ll do what best works for our relationship” I’m not sure how unique I am in this, but I’m adaptable enough that seeing my partner with other people doesn’t effect me the way it did in my younger years, and that I also acknowledge the benefits of being in monogamous relationships. Each type of relationship has their own set or problems, and strife as well as their benefits.

But, that’s not really what I wanted to share right now, I can detail that later if people are curious. Instead, I wanted to share my first exposure to polyamorous lifestyles, specifically the first time I encountered it, and how it opened my mind to the possibilities, and lead me to question a lot of what I’d sort of just accepted.

Back in 2009, I was in a performing arts intensive class series for a summer.. The whole event lasted, I can’t recall, I think 6 weeks. During that time, I met someone, let’s call them Kris, (not their real name) that I developed a pretty significant crush on, and it seemed like they liked me well enough too. Enough in fact that we began to be near each other in class, get lunches together, and eventually started spending time together after class. We began to grow closer. But, there were some things I really didn’t know about Kris, one of which was, they were polyamorous.

I believe at the time they were practicing a form of “solo polyamory” but I can’t say for sure, maybe they weren’t even defining it at the time, but safe to say, they didn’t have a partner they needed to check with and were open to being with multiple people.

Now, it’s also worth noting at the time, I had firmly been raised in a world where the assumption was, if you were dating, that’s alright to be dating multiple people, but when you became intimate with someone, all your other partners you were seeing need to either be friends, or you have to stop seeing them. You stay committed to one person, and you stay faithful to that one person. You don’t “cheat” , you don’t sneak around behind your partner’s back, and you don’t lie to them. I held myself to this standard, and in fact, I still do. I think a lot of people can relate to this kind of upbringing, it’s the “default” state of American dating culture after all. So much in fact that there are lots of shows about catching “cheaters” and stories about going through partner’s phones looking for evidence of “cheating” and the entire ceremony of weddings, exchanges of rings, vows, yadda, yadda. Most Fairy Tales and made for TV movies, at least in the 80’s, 90’s and 00’s, had this as a central concept, and so many sitcoms.

Needless to say, it’s so well ingrained in our culture, that, at the time, it wasn’t even something I questioned. I just absorbed it, and accepted, it was how the world works. You develop a relationship with a single partner, and the two of you grow together, and stay together “To death do you part” otherwise, you keep dating.

So, you can imagine then, my disappointment when Kris and I ended up going out to a club, a date I thought, to a place they enjoyed going while in town. I was happy enough to take them, and while there, they ran into an old friend/flame, ran up, gave them hugs, and got to chatting. This didn’t bother me much at the time, but, as the evening went on, we all sat down, and were talking and chatting, and slowly, Kris was getting closer and closer to their old friend.

In fact, Kris had stopped being close to me at all, all physical contact had stopped. I was becoming a third wheel, and I had enough integrity to accept they were more interested in their friend than they were in me. I was being rejected, or so I thought and felt at least. I figured this was the end for Kris and I, after all, that’s how it was, you can only be intimate with one person at a time.

Then, something very unexpected happened. Kris’ friend grabbed my hand, and placed it on Kris. I was rather stunned by this, to put it mildly. It would never have occurred to me to do this, which is why I suspect the friend did. This was their way to signal to me who very much had a traditionally “normal” upbringing and socializing in American culture in how we are taught to behave ourselves, that this was acceptable with Kris. Much to the enjoyment of Kris, who now got to enjoy being close with both her friend and myself for the rest of the evening.

I began to question why this wasn’t normally acceptable. Why is it that the typical response to seeing someone you’re with or intimate with being with someone else is violence? Where does this notion of betrayal arise from? Can someone be “cheating” if you’re right there in the room while it happens? What about if you’re participating? A flurry of questions and situations came to mind. I won’t answer them here, maybe some time in the future, but that night, I began to restructure how I viewed a lot of what had been foundational to how I engaged in relationships with others.

I realized I had to rebuild what I thought about relationships from a new foundation if I wanted to continue seeing Kris, and that to see Kris meant accepting they would also be seeing other people. Was I comfortable with that? That night, I was very much happy to be with Kris and her friend instead of a third wheel alone, and rejected. But, I would have to get comfortable with this idea, and so, I slowly learned to do just that. Instead of getting jealous, acknowledging that’s a sign I wanted more of their attention and time, instead of feeling rejected, reminding myself they just want to spend some time with someone else for a bit, and I don’t “own” them, they’re gifting me time they do have.

This isn’t a process that happened overnight, but as I felt things, and experienced them, I had to question, why. Why was I feeling that way, did I think the feeling was valid? And what was the feeling trying to tell me about what I really wanted from the relationship?

I think you too will find if you ask yourself what it is you really want in those moments, you’ll find out it isn’t often possession, but time, attention, love, or affection, and rarely does anger tell you you’re actually “mad” instead of simply stressed or frustrated at some behavior.

Accepting this, will lead to much happier relationships. It did for me at least.

[duggardata]

Were Jed + Katey “Betrothed”?

There’s a bit of a rumor going around Fundie Tumblr, saying that Jed Duggar + Katey Nakatsu’s Relationship followed a procedure known as ‘betrothal,’ rather than the Duggar–typical ‘courtship.’  Ultimately, I think the distinction is more–or–less meaningless...  Either way, it’s a parent–supervised, chaste, patriarchal method of ‘dating,’ as much as the Duggars despise that word.  But, honestly, I’m intrigued by the Duggars’, etc., odd relationship practices—and, I’d like to discuss the possibility that Jed + Katey were, indeed, ‘betrothed.”

After the jump...

First of all...

What is Courtship?

As Duggar Snarkers, we’re probably all familiar with the concept of ‘courtship.’  The Duggars (and Bateses, etc.) often discuss it.  Basically, they like to say it’s ‘dating with a purpose.’  You don’t date for the sake of dating; you only date if you’re ready for marriage and believe your partner is your intended spouse.  A Duggar–style courtship also differs from ‘secular dating’ in that there is a lot of parental involvement:  The man pursues the woman only after getting consent from her father, and both partners are expected to seek their parents’ counsel as the relationship progresses to determine if marriage is appropriate.  There’s also a slew of rules, which vary somewhat, but often include—

Strict Limitations on Physical Contact   Sex is always off–limits, as is kissing in most cases.  Certain types of hugs might be banned.  Hand–holding might be banned.  ‘No Touch’ courtships aren’t unheard of.

Constant Supervision / Chaperoning   Usually, the couple isn’t alone together, ever, until marriage.  Chaperones tend to be ‘provided’ by the woman’s family.  Sometimes phone calls and texts are monitored.

Entrenched Gender Roles   Generally, the man is in control.  He asks the woman to court, decides when they get engaged, etc.  His partner begins a sad transformation, wherein she starts looking to the male as her absolute ‘headship’ and leader....  It’s creepy.

Lots of Praying  Everyone involved prays a lot and tries to figure out if the pairing is ‘God’s will,’ or not.

Courtship is a commitment, but it is not unbreakable.  Sometimes courtships fail, and that’s by design...  The whole point is to figure out if you’re meant to marry one another.  You haven’t decided yet.  You’re trying to decide.

What is Betrothal?

So...  How does ‘betrothal’ compare?  First of all, I need to say:  There isn’t a 100% agreed upon definition of ‘betrothal,’ here, since the Duggars have not ever publicly discussed it or publicly engaged in the practice.  With that said, I’ve done some research about ‘betrothal’ in Duggar–y circles, and here’s the gist...

With betrothal, there’s no trial period.  From the start, the couple vows—often literally—to eventually marry their partner.  There’s no backing out.  (If you do, you’re breaking your vow to God.)  Basically...  You go from zero to engaged.  (And, really, it’s more than engaged.  With a typical engagement, there isn’t a solemn vow before God; with betrothal, there is.)  After the betrothal, the new couple spends a period of time getting acquainted and planning the wedding, and then they get married.  As with courtship, the rules of betrothal vary a lot; however, in my research, I did see some trends.  Here are the ways that, IMO, betrothal notably varies from courtship—

Solemn Vow to Marry w/ Little to No Trial Period   See Above.

Ceremony / Ritual Aspect   Often, the betrothal itself occurs at some sort of ceremony.  It’s solemnized.  Often, there’s a literal exchange of vows, similar to a wedding ceremony.  Contracts aren’t unheard of.

More Extreme Parental Involvement   Often, the parents—the father, specifically—is even more involved than is typical in a ‘courtship.’  He often takes on essentially the entire responsibility of vetting the young suitor for his daughter, since there’s no ‘trial period’ where she gets to know him before being betrothed.  Basically, the father picked out his daughter’s husband for her.  That’s the whole point.

“Arranged” Feeling   See Above.  It’s not unheard of for the man and woman to meet for the first time on the date of their betrothal.

(Note—I’m talking about fundie–style betrothal, here.  Betrothal is actually a long–standing practice of various groups.  Notably, it’s part of Judaism, and discussed in the Torah.  We’re not talking about that sort of betrothal or any other sort of betrothal, here.  I’m strictly talking about the bizarre concept of betrothal occasionally practiced on the fringes of the Duggars’ circle.)

More About Fundie Betrothal

What’s clear, at least to me, is that fundie ‘betrothal’ is a way to ‘one–up’ the more typical practice of ‘courtship.’  Apparently, rejecting dating isn’t enough for some families.  They’re not satisfied just to ‘court,’ like everyone else.  So, they take things one step further with ‘betrothal,’ which they claim is better—more biblical, etc.—than mere ‘courtship.’

Digging into this, Duggar Data learned that a few fringe fundies really pushed this ‘betrothal’ concept.  One was Vaughn Ohlman.  Ohlman previously ran a website called ‘Let Them Marry,’ which creepily encouraged young marriage.  Basically, Ohlman’s whole schtick—which he sums up in “True Love Doesn’t Wait,” an article that is basically his manifesto—is that young fundies should marry as soon as possible, since supposedly the Bible says so, and God.  In pushing this strange agenda, Ohlman naturally got to the topic of the proper way to select a spouse...  His answer was ‘betrothal.’  (See Also.)  Eventually, Ohlman traveled the country, teaching about betrothal and how it’s the ‘right’ way to find a mate.  Courtship is ungodly and unbiblical, yada yada yada.  (If you’re wondering...  Yes, he was nuts.  Absolutely nuts.  Thankfully, he ended up shutting down his ministry after receiving a lot of well–earned criticism.)

Vaughan married off his son, Joshua, via a betrothal.  Here’s Joshua + Laura’s Story, which is one of the best–known fundie betrothal stories.  Another well–known, and highly disturbing, betrothal story is that of Matthew + Maranatha Chapman.  (See Also.  See Also.)  Also, here’s a chart comparing betrothal to secular dating and courtship, which I thought was pretty interesting.     

So, What About Jed + Katey?

Why, exactly, do people think Jed + Katey were betrothed?  A few things drive the rumor—

The ‘Biblical Betrothal’ Post   There’s a mysterious, password–protected post on the Nakatsu Family Blog, entitled ‘Biblical Betrothal.’  Kory made the post in June 2018.  Its contents is unknown, since it’s password–protected.

The Vows at The Proposal   On the video documenting Jed’s proposal, which was posted on the Nakatsu Family Blog, Jed and Katey apparently exchanged vows when they got engaged.  These vows somewhat resemble the vows that might be exchanged at a betrothal ceremony.

Kory’s Speech At The Wedding   At the Wedding, Kory made a speech when he ‘gave’ Katey to Jed, in which he sort of implies that he personally selected Jed for her, and Katey had agreed to this.

The Wedding Vows   Overally, Jed + Katey’s Wedding just seemed very, very fundie, if that makes sense.  Their vows hammered on the wife’s submission, yada yada yada.  Gives the impression that this was a very strict relationship, and they’re deeply committed to the disgusting notion of biblical patriarchy—which is the exact sort of idea that betrothal advocates are into.

That said, there’s also...

Evidence Against A Betrothal—

During the wedding, the pastor referred to their ‘courtship, and made no mention of betrothal whatsoever.  (And it’s not like he held back, at all, in talking about those fringe fundie beliefs...  Just read their vows!)

According to Reed Roberts, and also Jed, Jed + Katey were together for about a year, prior to marriage.  So, if those vows at the proposal were a betrothal, it clearly wasn’t a ‘traditional’ betrothal...  Since they’d already been together for awhile, at that point.

Reed Roberts denies that Jed + Katey were “arranged.”  (Though, I think it’s also worth mentioning...  He didn’t actually say how they met.  Which I think is kinda weird.  It seems natural to tell the ‘how they met’ story, in attempting to dispel rumors of an arranged marriage.  But he doesn’t.)

Final Thoughts

Duggar Data doesn’t think that Jed + Katey had a ‘true’ betrothal, thought I do suspect the courtship was probably stricter than most, and that Kory probably played a larger role than is ‘typical.’  I think it’s possible that Kory read about—or perhaps, even attended a seminar—about ‘biblical betrothal,’ which led him to making that post on his blog.  As for his comments at the wedding...  I take them to mean that Kory urged Katey to allow him to guide her in choosing her partner, and she agreed.  Maybe he even set her and Jed up.  But...  I’m not at all convinced that he chose Jed without her input, or that she and Jed actually agreed to a ‘betrothal,’ in the sense of vowing to marry as strangers.

Also, one last thing...  Regardless of what Jed + Katey called their relationship, I’m of the opinion that, honestly, it’s basically the same nonsense the Duggars have always practiced.  Betrothal or courtship...  It’s really not that different, in my view.  It’s all based on the same bullshit—namely. twisted gender roles and so–called ‘biblical patriarchy.’  Whether they were ‘arranged,’ or ‘betrothed,’ or whatever, we know the fathers always play a major role.  We know the women always defer to their ‘headship.’  Perhaps Katey + Jed (and Kory) were slightly more overt about it, but that’s it...  Call it Kool–Aid or call it Tang, it’s the same sugary nonsense.

[smmahamazing]

There's been a pep in my step today because......

It's MirSan day!!!!!

I'm so excited to finally share with you guys a fic that I've been working on since last October. It's gone through some big changes, but I'm proud of it. And EVEN BETTER is that I've teamed up with @eliza-faust-diary, who has created an amazing piece of art to go with it! I'm itching for y'all to see it! So I'll get off my soapbox LOL. Make sure you guys check out the MirSan Collection on AO3 and everything posted from @dayofmirsan​! 

Thanks to the mods for setting this up!

Summary: Miroku Kibe has been irrevocably in love with Sango Tanaka for years. His fear of rejection has always kept him from attempting to get to know her, but when he finds her all by herself at an engagement party, will Miroku take the chance he's given and talk to her?

Read on AO3 and FFN

"So anyways, we didn't find our way back home until the next morning, and we still never found her shoes again!"

Miroku attempted a heartfelt chuckle. Apparently, the last bit of her story was supposed to be some big finale, or a play on words, or an inside joke that he wasn't part of? To be honest, he hadn't been paying all that much attention. He had been trying to find a way out of the conversation for quite a while, but the girl in question ('Is her name Yuki? No….Yuca…..or is that the vegetable?') seemed to talk a mile a minute. And there had been no shortage of stories to tell, much to his disappointment.

"Well…" Miroku stuttered, trying to spit out a sentence that didn't involve trying to figure out her name. "I think I see….I'm just gonna….head over there."

It was probably the flimsiest getway he had ever used on a girl, but his brain felt like mush after sitting through too many of her idiotic stories, and Miroku desperately needed to isolate himself. There was only so much socializing he could do in one night and he didn't want to use up all the energy he could spare for some random girl he cared nothing for.

Miroku walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a fresh beer from the fridge. After taking a generous first sip, he lightly leaned back on the countertop and looked out into the living room. The kitchen was designed with an open room concept, with only a small bar separating it from the living room. From his spot, Miroku could oversee the rest of the party guests mingling throughout the apartment.

He recognized a couple of faces that he might have seen around campus over the years, but for the most part found himself amongst a crowd of people of which he didn't have an inkling of who they were. It didn't bother him much though, not when he could hear Kagome's boisterous laugh from across the living room. He let a small smirk don his face as he once again raised his drink to his lips for another sip.

Today was Inuyasha and Kagome's engagement party.

Miroku normally didn't go to shindigs like this, but over the past couple of years, Kagome had grown to be a very good friend of Miroku's, and he wanted to support her in any way he knew how. That, and Inuyasha practically begged him to come.

Engagement parties were not Inuyasha's thing. Parties in general would tend to put him in a foul mood, and Inuyasha did whatever he could to worm his way out of attending one. But all Kagome needed to do was give Inuyasha those big, soulful, puppy dog eyes of hers, and the next thing you know, he was front and center for the biggest event of the year - until the wedding that is.

Inuyasha didn't have many friends, at least not friends that he could proudly call his own. Most of the partygoers were mutual friends of both Inuyasha and Kagome, but Miroku knew that they only came to be on friendly terms with the surly hanyou because of his bubbly, outgoing fianceé.

Miroku's friendship with Inuyasha also fell under that category. He met Kagome during his  internship at her family's shrine a few years ago - even though they all went to high school together - where they became fast friends due to Kagome's friendly personality, which of course led him to also becoming friends with her boyfriend-now-fiance - but Miroku could say with confidence that his friendship with Inuyasha had grown to something bigger than just being acquainted through Kagome.

Which was still a wild concept for Miroku to grasp. Miroku wouldn't say he was introverted, but he mostly liked to keep to himself. He was an only child to a set of parents who died when he was young, putting him under the guardianship of an old family friend - Mushin. Mushin did his best to raise Miroku, but he didn't really have a great idea about what it was like to raise a child, and Miroku learned early on it was better to grow up than just acting like the child he was.

In the end, Miroku had a hard time relating to most kids his age. He didn't watch the same type of television shows, play games, or collect action figures like the boys he grew up around. Others found him...intimidating, which led to a lonely childhood. But as the years went by, Miroku found that he began to care less and less about the whispered gossip that followed him as he grew up.

Miroku knew Inuyasha also had a rough childhood; perhaps that was the reason they gravitated to each other so easily. Not that they talked about it all that much. That was the great thing about their friendship, it didn't require a lot of talking.

His friendship with Kagome gave him enough of that. That girl really knew how to talk.

Miroku was shaken from his thoughts as Inuyasha sidled up to him, jabbing his fist into his shoulder lightly before leaning up against the countertop beside Miroku, his own drink in hand. "So, have you grown the balls to go talk to her yet, or are you gonna hide in my kitchen all night?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, my friend," Miroku answered, keeping his eye contact on anything but the hanyou beside him.

Because it was a lie. Miroku knew exactly who Inuyasha was talking about.

Sango Tanaka.

Miroku had been in love with her for years. Practically all his life if he was dramatic about it.

Miroku first met Sango when they were in high school. She was a "rough and tough" type of girl, known to play a variety of sports, depending on the season, and trained in a number of martial arts. Her family came from a long line of tajiya, and that was a title she wore proudly. Sango was loud, and opinionated, and didn't take anyone's shit. She never failed to go after what she wanted, and she gave it her all every time.

She was everything Miroku wasn't, and funnily enough, she was everything Miroku ever could have wanted.

He still remembered the first time he had ever laid eyes on Sango. It was the first day of high school, and Miroku had just walked into his history classroom. There had still been ten minutes before the bell was scheduled to ring, signaling everyone to start making their way to their first class of the day. Miroku always liked getting to his classes as early as possible so he could get the best seat.

When he was in middle school, he would always be the first one to enter the classroom, but not this day. Sitting in the front row was a girl, enraptured in a small paperback book. Long, velvet brown hair that went halfway down her back. She wore a faded pink long sleeved shirt that accentuated the natural muscle of her arms, and when she turned around to stare him down with those hazel eyes, Miroku was sure he stopped breathing. 

She was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Miroku didn’t know how long he had been standing there staring at her. It wasn't until she gave him a simple greeting that Miroku snapped himself back to reality. He responded with a small greeting of his own, choosing the seat right behind her. At that moment, Miroku knew she'd be the only girl for him.

They spent the rest of the time together in companionable silence. Soon enough, the bell rang and slowly students started trickling into the classroom. She didn't seem to have any friends in this class, which was all the better for Miroku. It felt like he could have a part of her without having to share with anyone else.

She didn't speak to him again after that first day. Several times, Miroku had attempted to work up the courage to talk to her - about anything - but he chickened out every time, and his fear of her reaction to him only grew worse as the years went by. The more he looked on at her life from the background, the more intimidated he was of her. Yet, it only made his fondness for her grow.

She was spunky. By the time they ended their first year, it was known throughout the school that Sango was not a girl to be trifled with. The biggest factor in that perception of her was the fight that year between Sango and another girl - Aki was her name? The girl in question was a real piece of work; generally thought of as "popular", but really, that was just a code word for the term "bitch". Miroku hadn't been there to personally see it, but the rumor was that Aki had been bullying another girl - a transfer from a religious school in the next city over - and ended up in a fist fight with Sango. Aki threw the first punch, but Sango made sure she'd throw the last, while simultaneously making sure everybody understood that bullies at Hiro High wouldn't be tolerated. 

She was given a week's suspension for her part in the fight, but she ended up making a life-long friend in the girl she had defended, Kagome Higurashi. They were inseparable ever since.

Sango's sense of loyalty was both something that Miroku had a hard time grasping, yet something he desperately wanted from her. Despite his sometimes asocial mannerisms, Miroku hadn't been a loner in high school; he had his own small group of friends he would sit with at lunch, or work with on group projects. The term 'friends', though, seemed a little much to define the relationships he held with those people. 'Acquaintance' was a better term. They might all shoot the shit together every now and then, but he never let his guard down around any of them.

The Miroku Kibe that they knew was a fake, hidden by a well tailored mask. His friends were nice enough people, and it wasn't lost to Miroku that they trusted him enough with some of their deeper thoughts. But no matter how much he wanted to let them into his own heart, he always managed to pull back at the last second, placing another wall between himself and the world.

Miroku fantasized about letting Sango be the person to break all his walls. He was certain if anyone could do it, she could.

But there had never been a chance for them, Miroku's own cowardice made sure of that. Instead, he sat on the sidelines, watching Sango and Kagome grow into close friends. Eventually their group of two turned into three when Kagome introduced Sango to Inuyasha. He was the "new kid" their second year of high school, and Kagome had been tasked with showing him around and making sure he felt "welcomed".

Of course 'welcomed' meant showing the new kid where the lunchroom was and where the best junk food machines were, not getting caught making out in the janitors closet, but to each his own, you know?

And yet, here he was, almost eight years since their sophomore year, attending Kagome and Inuyasha's engagement party. Honestly, it had been of no surprise to Miroku to hear about their engagement. Inuyasha and Kagome were your textbook definition of "high school sweethearts". If Miroku believed in the whole "soulmate thing",  he’d describe them as just that. They were polar opposites, like fire and ice. Inuyasha, the grumpy hanyou, and Kagome, the sweet girl next door.

Sometimes, Miroku could just gag from the cuteness of it all.

The couple that had been conversing with Kagome in the living room finally moved away, giving both Miroku and Inuyasha a clear view of the sliding glass doors that led out to the patio. Standing by herself, gazing out at the city below, was Sango. She was wearing a striped magenta shirt, the same color she wore on the day they met, with a pair of forest green pants. Even without all glittery jewelry or immaculate dresses, Sango was still the most beautiful woman at the party.

It was the perfect opportunity for Miroku to finally talk to her. All he had to do was walk up to her and start a conversation; nothing flashy or flirty, just small talk. He'd been doing it all night with random girls who felt the need to invade his personal space, so this should be easy.

The golf ball lodged in Miroku's throat said otherwise, as Miroku nearly choked on the beer he was drinking at the mere thought of trying to talk to her.

"Dude, you're being pathetic," Inuyasha said. Miroku finally turned his way to glare at him, but Inuyasha merely scoffed at him. "Don't give me that look, you haven't heard a single word I've said, too busy in la la land thinking about Sango."

"And how long did it take for you to propose to Kagome?" Miroku tried to circumvent the conversation away from himself, but Inuyasha was far too stubborn to let Miroku off the hook.

"Nuh uh, don't even try and compare us, it's not the same thing and you know it."

"Inuyasha - "

"Look, we both know that Sango is going to end up being Kagome's maid of honor, and if I'm being honest, you're the only person I would trust to be my best man."

Miroku was taken aback by Inuyasha's statement. Being a best man….It was a role he didn't think he'd ever really get to play. He never let anyone in deep enough for their first thought of the person who would play a pivotal role in something as important as a wedding to be Miroku. Inuyasha refused to look at him now, obviously embarrassed at such a display of emotion.

"I...would be honored to be your best man, Inuyasha," Miroku said slowly, almost in a hushed whisper. This felt like such an intimate moment for them, and Miroku did not wish to share it with anyone who could easily eavesdrop on their conversation.

"Keh, whatever." Miroku wanted to chuckle at his abrupt change in demeanor. Perhaps this is why they could work so well as friends; while others might be put off by Inuyasha's rough temperament, Miroku was always able to let his constant mood swings slide right off his shoulders.

"Anyways, with that being said, you and Sango will have to see a lot of each other to help out with this damn wedding, and I need you with your best foot forward," Inuyasha stepped around him to grab two unopened beers from the fridge. He took the half empty drink currently in Miroku's hand and replaced them with the unopened beers.

"Don't fuck this up," was the last thing Inuyasha told him as he turned away from him to walk back towards Kagome, leaving Miroku to stand by himself in the kitchen holding two cold beer cans. The cans began to sweat from the change in temperature, causing Miroku to grip them tighter so that they wouldn't slide right out of his hands.

Miroku could feel his body start to perspire. He could only hope that the purple t-shirt he donned for tonight would be dark enough to hide the sweat stains that he was sure would start to show up under his arms. Miroku swallowed the lump in his throat, and after a deep inhale and exhale, started making his way across the apartment.

'Hello, my name is Miroku? And you are?' No, that's too forthcoming, he could be more suave then that. 'Ahh Sango. It's such a beautiful night out, would you care for a beverage?' Ugh, somehow that almost sounded worse than the first one. 'I love you, please bear my children!'

Miroku stopped just before the sliding glass doors and mentally slapped himself. He needed to keep his wits about him! Miroku was a handsome, cool guy; talking to a beautiful woman like Sango should be as normal as breathing. He could strike up a simple conversation with her, right?

For Inuyasha. And Kagome.

And for himself.

Miroku could feel and see the slight trembling of his hand as he used the two pointer fingers of his right hand to slide the door open. It was a cool night, and Miroku was greeted with a crisp breeze. He greedily inhaled the clean breeze that carried wafts of patchouli to his nose. Gods, she was his favourite scent.

Sango didn't seem to hear him enter the balcony, or at least if she did she had yet to make a move to see who was disturbing her peace.

'Oh god, what if she wants to be alone and I'm just here to annoy her?' 

Miroku shoved his negative thoughts aside, determined to give her a good impression of himself. He stretched his neck from one side to the other, cracking it a little to release some tension as he took that one last step towards her, his back straightened but not locked up, his head held high in an attempt to look calm and aloof.

And then he fell.

He fell. 

A weirdly high pitched yelp erupted from his throat as his feet twitched and scuffed across the cement floor of the balcony, pushing his body too far forward for his feet to catch. What sort of loser trips over his own feet? All he had to do was take one small step and he would have been golden. Instead, he was slowly tripping over his own two fucking feet, still keeping hold of the two beer cans, as if their presence was actually important in the grand scheme of things. The only thing that could have been worse would be to face plant right on her bountiful breasts.

Which he fucking did.

Miroku was sure he had never been so embarrassed in his entire life. It wasn't as if Miroku hadn't dreamt of this moment - nuzzling his nose in the warmth of her soft skin, peppering her bare chest with tiny butterfly kisses. But this wasn't a dream, it was reality, and Miroku's reality included him basically motorboating a woman who he didn't know personally and didn't know him on a very public apartment balcony.

'Just fucking kill me now…'

Miroku tried to lift himself up as quickly as he could. He really did, but for some reason he just couldn't let go of those damn beer cans. He clutched them as if they were his lifelines, putting more and more of his full weight on the woman under him. Luckily, due to all her training, Sango could probably lift two of Miroku, and was able to help steady him.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?!" She exclaimed, unfazed by where his head had been and more concerned about his own wellbeing. She had taken his face in both hands, trying to assess if he had taken any injuries.

"Uhhh…" Say something you fool! Miroku's head felt fuzzy with her face so close to his. He tried to tell her he was okay, perhaps impart a most fervent apology on landed directly on her chest, but he couldn't seem to form a coherent sentence no matter how hard he thought about it. He had never been so close to her to take in the gold flecks that made her cinnamon eyes sparkle, and he was quickly becoming lost in them. 

Instead, he belted out a cracked, "Beer?", still holding on to those damn cans.

Miroku hoped the ground would open up a portal to hell and drag him into it at this point. There was no way she'd want anything to do with him after this fiasco of a first encounter. Well, technically their second encounter. Either way, Miroku was fucked.

He thought that anyways, until he heard her chuckle, her lips turned up in a soft smile. She acted like he said something funny, not in a 'I'm laughing at you' way, but a 'wow you're funny' kind of way.

It was like music to his ears.

"A beer sounds good right now, thank you," she said, taking one of the beer cans out of his hands once he was steady on his feet. Miroku couldn't believe it, he was doing it! He was actually having a conversation with her! She wasn't rejecting him and accepted his offering of having a drink together! Even though he made a total fool of himself, nearly launching himself and the drinks off the balcony…..launching the drinks….The drinks….

THE DRINKS.

"Wait, Sango don't - "

It was too late. Miroku had been too far in his own thoughts to think about the fact that he had shaken up the carbonated alcoholic beverages quite a bit during his tumble, and Sango had already flipped the tab into the aluminum can. The next few seconds felt like forever, played in slow motion. The can let out a faint hiss before a small geyser of beer exploded upward, the can continuing to overflow with foam. Sango let out a small shriek, covering her face as best she could as she became drenched in beer.

Miroku stood there, still as a statue, as he watched streams of beer slowly trickle down her face. Their movements had a soft quality to it, as if they were caressing the soft lines of her cheek, gliding down the line of her nose and outlining her plump lips.

It was downright cruel how turned on he could get in a situation that was probably embarrassing for Sango. He should be doing something, like running inside to grab her a towel or asking her if she was okay. Instead, he was staring - no, leering - at her like some kind of pervert.

The thought was enough to break Miroku from his thoughts. He had a reputation for being a lecher amongst the ladies, but that was a persona he didn't want associated with Sango. After all, she wasn't just any woman; she was someone he could see spending his life with. Which he actively did.

He lurched forward slightly, still unsure of exactly what he should be doing for her, but unwilling to just stand there. There was a small table with a couple of chairs pushed to the right side of the balcony. Miroku threw the arm that held his own beer in that direction, intending on setting it down to cover all his attention on her. Unfortunately, he wasn't paying enough attention to the can to make sure it was set on the table properly. 

The can slipped from his hands, slowly making its descent, past the edge of the table, and straight for the ground. 

Miroku barely heard the plonk of the can hitting the ground, nor the hissing that came right before the can exploded, twirling along the ground at their feet, covering them both with the sticky liquid.

In a feat that would have made the soccer team at their high school proud, Miroku used the side of his foot to kick the can straight through a gap in the bars of the balcony. The can continued to spew beer through the air as it made its descent onto an unsuspecting car parked on the opposite side of the street, the sickening crunch of the can cracking the windshield echoing off the walls of the buildings on either side of the road.

He didn't know what would have been worse, letting the can continue to douse them with beer or vandalize an automobile. Either way, he only hoped some God would have pity on him and allow the Earth to swallow him whole. 

Of course, he could never be so lucky.

"Oh my...I am so sorry, let me get you a towel!" He said, spinning in place and practically barrelling through the sliding glass door.

It seemed like no one else in the apartment had any clue what transpired outside, too busy with the jovial nature of celebrating the engagement of two young people in love. It gave Miroku a small bit of relief, knowing that Sango was free from the embarrassment that came with the snickers and stares of being laughed at. 

It wasn't enough to steady his shaking hands as he began rummaging through Kagome's kitchen cupboards, trying to find something big and deep enough to fill with water. Three cupboards in, Miroku found a large mixing bowl and began filling it with water, searching through more drawers to find the kitchen towels, practically grabbing the whole stack once he found them. Once he had everything, he carefully made his way through the crowd of people. By now, he started to receive a few weird looks from anyone who bothered to look towards him as he passed by, but no one tried to stop him or ask about what he was doing.

He ignored it all in favor of the woman standing outside. She was fiddling with the ends of her blouse that now clung to her form from the stickiness of the beer. He awkwardly pinched his knuckle before reaching for the door in an attempt to keep his eyes looking anywhere but her body. This was absolutely not the time for his philandering ways to make this woman hate him more than she probably does already. He could see the small movements of her shoulders as she shivered when a quick breeze hit her, and any lecherous thoughts he might have had drifted away as guilt began to constrict his chest.

This was obviously a sign that they were never meant to be. How could a sophisticated and beautiful woman like Sango be interested in a schmuck like Miroku? The man couldn't even do something as simple as handing her a can of beer, how was he supposed to take care of her?

Not that she'd want him to take care of her, or needed anyone to do so. She was strong, and smart, and so fucking talented; she could do anything she set her mind to. Miroku could only hope to be even half the person she was, and a woman like Sango didn't mingle with people as lame as Miroku.

He carefully made his way through the back door, immediately set the bowl of water and towels onto the small table sitting off to the side and pulled the chair out for Sango to sit in.

"I-I brought a bowl of warm water and some towels to wipe the beer off with. Here, you can sit here. If you want to anyways, or you can stand if that makes you feel more comfortable or…." Miroku turned his body away from hers, grimacing as his tongue continued to word vomit in front of her. He couldn't believe he was still finding new ways to completely embarrass himself in front of her.

But instead of a stern glare or a heated comment about him, he was greeted with a small but warm chuckle.

"Thank you," she smiled at him, taking the offered seat and one of the dry towels, submerging it into the water and wringing it out.

He couldn't stop from staring at her, watching the way the muscles in her hands grew taut as she squeezed the towel, or the way a few errant droplets of water would cascade down her arms as she rubbed the towel into her skin.

She was truly gorgeous. The setting sun made her positively glow, her freshly cleaned skin gleaming when the light hit it just right. She sighed contentedly as she continued to wash away the sticky substance, paying extra attention to her face and chest. Miroku pulled up the other chair and fumbled with one of the dry towels, keeping himself too busy to notice the way she ran the damp towel over her collarbones. The towel wasn't squeezed out as much this time around, and it was almost painful for Miroku to watch as several small rivulets of water ran down her shirt, molding around the tops of her breasts.

The sound of the water splashing as she dunked the towel back in acted like a slap to the face, reminding him he needed to keep his eyes to himself. Instead, he submerged his own dry towel halfway so that he could wipe off his own beer soaked skin.

"You seem familiar,"

Miroku paused. Despite the fact they were both sitting together, he hasn't expected her to want to talk with him. It was a question disguised as a statement, one that he wasn't quite sure how to answer. Not in a way that wouldn't make him seem like a stalker, anyways.

"I believe we went to the same high school,"

"You went to Hiro High, too? What a small world," she chuckled as she continued to stare at him. Her eyes widened slightly as a thought seemed to pass by the forefront on her mind. "Wait...didn't we have a class together?"

'Several,' was the first response to come to mind, but he didn't want to make it seem like he was keeping any sort of tabs on her over the years.

"Yes, I believe so. That's where I recognized Kagome when we first met,"

Miroku could feel himself beginning to sweat under her vigilant gaze. 

"History,"

A confused look sprawled across his face. "Come again?"

"That's where I recognize you from. Freshman year. You were the kid that got to class almost as early as me,"

Miroku was stunned. They had shared a small handful of classes together over their high school years, but the one that stuck out the most for her was first period history during their freshman year? That was nearly ten years ago!

"Uhh….y-yes. With Mr. Myoga,"

"Sometimes, I don't know how we made it through that class," she laughed, remembering the long mornings of boring anecdotes and not enough energy to spare between the class.

"Well, someone as….aged, as Mr. Myoga had many stories to tell about the vibrant history of Japan," Miroku's lips curved up slightly. One of the benefits of being a flea youkai was living through each monumental event that made up the history of Japan. Although his method of teaching it was...lacking.

"He made the topic so boring! He preferred listening to the sound of his own voice more than actually teaching us about the subject. Honestly, it should be illegal to hold such a boring class that early in the morning."

"Fewer words could be truer," Miroku grinned, delighting in the easy smile that steadily grew on her face. She was so beautiful when she smiled. The edges of her lips almost seemed to touch the wrinkles around her eyes as she smiled, small dimples becoming noticeable on her cheeks as she talked.

It was obvious that Sango lived a very happy and joyous life.

"So, what's the story with you and Kagome? How'd you meet?"

Miroku never expected for Sango to take control of the conversation like she did. He expected that he would be the one to ask her a litany of dumb, intrusive questions about their friends engagement, the weather, or how her day had gone. And she would smile politely at him as he rambled, giving him simple, flat answers in an attempt to humor him.

Instead, she barrelled through, asking him a variety of simple 'get to know you' questions - What did you major in? Where do you work? What's your favorite color? Pepsi or Coke? - with the perfect opportunity for Miroku to turn the question back on her as soon as he answered. Perhaps she could sense how nervous he was around her. It was definitely easier than Miroku doing it all on his own, that's for sure.

It wasn't long before the both of them were laughing and joking around with each other. Part of him couldn't believe how easy it was to talk to Sango, although it wasn't a huge surprise. Miroku found practically every aspect of her life interesting and would gladly sit and converse with her for hours - eternity if she'd let him.

There was one thing he had to know; was she dating someone? It would be a devastating blow if she was, but after getting to know her for just a little bit, Miroku knew he needed her in his life. Even if he couldn't have her the way he truly wanted her.

Now all he needed to do was come up with a way to ask her that wasn't creepy or weird. Or intrusive.

'Just act….natural…'

"So, how have you and your date enjoyed the party so far?"

Nice. Smooth and natural.

"Oh, I didn't come here with anyone," she responded hesitantly.

"My apologies! I didn't mean to assume,"

"It's okay, I understand," Sango smiled, although it didn't shine through her eyes like before. She turned her attention to something off in the distance, wringing her hands together in her lap. Miroku suddenly felt a little selfish bringing the subject up at all.

"I hope I didn't upset you somehow. I swear on my father's grave that was never my intention,"

"What? Oh, no!" Sango turned back to him with wide eyes. "I didn't think that at all! It's just…" She looked away again, staring intently at her hands folded in her lap. "It's just...sort of a touchy subject for me right now. I've not had the best luck in the dating circuit,"

"Forgive me Sango, I have a hard time believing a woman as beautiful as you has a hard time getting anything she wants,"

Miroku's statement caused a pink blush to cover her cheeks.

"Yeah, well, that's just the problem, isn't it?" Sango mumbled. Miroku kept silent, watching the indecision flash across Sango's face, either caused by her deliberating her next words or whether or not she wanted to say something at all.

She looked up at him next, face still a little pink from embarrassment, yet she looked up at him with an air of determination. Her eyes were hard and resolute, but Miroku could see the tenderness behind it all.

"Most of the guys I've dated think I'm too assertive."

Miroku was unsurprised by this, but a part of him still had a hard time believing such a thing could be said about Sango. Her assertiveness was something to be cherished, not looked down upon.

"Sounds like most guys are just too insecure to handle you,"

Sango let out a small breath of laughter. "I'm sure they would all balk at the insinuation that they have crippling male egos. Much easier to dump me and go about their lives,"

"Well, that's just their loss, isn't it?"

Sango couldn't help but lock eyes with the mysterious man sitting next to her. She had heard that phrase before from a variety of people. It was always someone else's loss when she was kicked to the curb, and it always made her so angry whenever she heard it. It certainly never seemed like it was a loss to them; if anything, they acted better off. People usually said that to her in a veiled attempt to comfort her, knowing it was because of her own temperament that they left.  

Sango always had quite the mouth on her, and unless she could learn to tame it, no man would give her any time of day.

Yet, she didn't get the same vibes from Miroku. He seemed truly genuine when he said it was their loss. As if it was better for her to be her rude, straight to the point, brash self instead of the meek, silent woman in the background most men wanted her to be.

Sango was truly intrigued by this man.

She wasn't lying when she said she remembered him from their shared history class. Although, he had been more of a background character in the story of her life. She could recall them sharing a few classes over the years, and she had heard through the grapevine that he was sort of a ladies man, but they effectively went different ways after high school, and Sango pushed back any thoughts of him to the back of her mind.

Then one day, he was suddenly thrust back into her life via her best friend since forever, Kagome.

It was nice to know that Kagome had a friend she could talk to about her work. Sango was the dutiful best friend, always giving Kagome the time and attention she deserved as she talked about her day, but oftentimes Kagome would get caught up in the history of an artefact or a traditional dance, which was likely to go right over Sango's head. Miroku became a sort of conduit for Kagome's ramblings, saving Sango from having to pretend to be as knowledgeable about the subject as Kagome, or ask a million questions.

It was a friendship that blossomed over the years, as they do when Kagome is involved. Kagome's stories started to involve more of Miroku and less of work, eventually even adding Inuyasha to the mix. Yet, despite all the talk, Sango had yet to meet the famed 'Miroku'.

Kagome always said good things about him. He was quiet with an old soul. He had far more wisdom than most people his age and he never backed down at lending out a helping hand. A real gentleman.

Inuyasha's only helpful comments on the subject were that he was a 'lecherous monk'.

Which led to some confusing ideas about the man.

She still wasn't sure what to think about him. She could tell he was nervous; it was cute, the way he stuttered and rambled. And despite the rumors of him being a ladies man, he never seemed to ogle her or make her feel uncomfortable - despite literally landing his face in her chest. Their conversations so far had been easy and fun, something she really hadn't felt with another person in quite a long time.

Miroku was in heaven. He didn't think he could ever tire of talking to her, or listening to her talk about anything. She was funny, able to pull a joke out of the most basic of topics. And opinionated. Miroku was always up for a good debate, and he was sure Sango could give him a run for his money.

He didn't know how much time had passed as they stared at one another, probably only minutes yet it felt like hours. There was a heat developing between the two - not a smouldering heat, like the sun, that enveloped your whole body, but a soft warmth, like a candle, that started in the tips of the fingers, working its way slowly up the arms to take root in the chest. She just...looked him up and down with those wide cinnamon eyes, not in a lewd way, but with a sense that he was something new, something she had never seen before.

Once again, Miroku was stunned by her beauty. She truly was a goddess among mortals. Was it considered excessive the amount of times he obsessed over her looks? Possibly, but Miroku didn't care. Sango was a woman deserving of unbridled attention.

This was it. This was his in. He was gonna be confident and suave and somehow convince her to go on a date with him. He was going to use everything he learned from all the women he's been with and use it for good. For Sango.

"Sango, I - "

"Hey you two!" The raucous sounds of the party inside became louder as someone Miroku didn't recognize leaned their head outside. "It's time to toast the newly engaged couple!" And without another look back, they disappeared back inside, leaving the door wide open for them to follow.

Miroku could have screamed.

Why couldn't anything go right when it came to Sango? Their whole ambiance was ruined now. She was distracted by the party inside, and now there was even more of a chance someone will try and come outside.

"Well, I guess we should be getting back inside," Sango sighed, slowly pushing her chair back to stand up.

"Sango, wait!" Miroku leapt to his feet. He just needed one more minute with her! He didn't want this opportunity to go to waste. "I-I'd really like to see you again. Can..I..can I get your number? You know, we can...make plans or...something."

Well, it wasn't his best bit of courting, but it was better than being a coward and not talking to her, he supposed. And if she said no? At least he would have a definite answer.

She looked at him for another moment before giving him a soft smile. "I'd like that," she said, holding her hand out for his phone. 

Miroku scrambled for the device sitting in his front pocket, unlocking it and bringing up a 'New Contact' screen before holding it out to her with shaky hands. She tapped away, keeping the screen close to her face. She kept the phone to her face for a good amount of time, longer than she needed to if she was just putting her contact information. She pulled out her own phone from her pocket and waited for it to vibrate with a notification before closing out his own phone and handing it back to him.

"I'll see you around, Miroku?" Sango asked, so innocently yet Miroku we sure there was a layer of seduction there.

In a last ditch attempt to be anything but the loser he felt he had been all night, Miroku responded with confidence. "I look forward to it, my dear Sango,"

Sango departed after that, not before giving him a once over with her eyes and sporting what Miroku would describe as a 'devilish' grin.

That one look would carry Miroku into the next year, he was sure of it.

Miroku became deaf and blind when it came to the party inside, opening his phone back up and going straight to his messaging app. There would be time later for him to memorize her number - you know, just in case he accidentally lost it before they could set up a date - but he was curious to see what she texted to herself.

He expected to see 'Sango Tanaka' as the subject line, but was surprised to see a different name under the most recent message:

Slayer🍑😘

[Sent @ 6:15 PM] Next Friday, 7PM, Tanaka Dojo 📿

There was….much for Miroku to unpack here. The first of which was the nickname she gave herself. It was well known that the peach emoji was frequently used to represent one's derriere. Was her choice to use that particular emoji a coincidence, or was she privy to the fact that Miroku was indeed an ass man?

Especially when it came to Sango's gloriously toned and plump backside.

Miroku could have written an entire dissertation on why Sango chose that nickname if he had the time. Instead, he gravitated towards the message she sent herself. Normally people sent little one word messages, just enough to bridge the gap between cellular devices. Instead, it looked like Sango set up the details for their first date.

Their first date.

Just thinking those three little words left him feeling giddy, his heart pumping so heavily in his chest, Miroku could practically see the organ trying to rip itself from its fleshy prison. 

Miroku finally looked up from his phone and gazed inside at the party. Just like earlier, the crowd of guests inside parted in just the right way so that he had a perfect view of Sango. She was leaning backwards against the kitchen counter, cradling a slender glass of something bubbly - probably champagne. She was standing by herself, a gentle smile on her face as she watched everyone gather around the Kagome and a slightly nervous looking Inuyasha.

It was like looking at a freshly finished puzzle. Every piece meticulously placed in just the right way, resulting in a release of endorphins just by looking at the fruits of one's hard work.

Sango was his puzzle.

There were still a few pieces to put together here and there, but the hard part was over with. Now was the time for Miroku to take those few random puzzle pieces and finish his work of art.

A life with Sango.

Perhaps he was a tad crazy for having such strong emotions for this woman, but who was he to argue with the pounding of his heart whenever he saw her picture or the butterflies in his stomach whenever she spoke. If his feelings for her were wrong, then he didn't want to be right. He would show them all that Miroku Kibe and Sango Tanaka were meant to be together.

Miroku closed his phone and shoved it into his pocket, resolute in the path he was about to take. Despite the loud, raucous energy of the crowd inside, Miroku could feel several pairs of eyes on him as he made his way inside. Not too long ago, Miroku might have been put off by the interfering actions of his friends, but now he could only feel thankful for them. Thankful that they would let him share even a smidgen of their spotlight, even just between the three of them.

The sounds of the crowd, the eyes of his curious friends, he ignored them all in favor of the woman standing by herself in the kitchen as he walked towards the bar to grab his own glass of already poured champagne. Sango looked up in his direction as he approached and offered him a warm smile. Miroku simply smiled back, leaning back against the kitchen counter beside her. 

Sango deserved to have someone to stand by her - whether it be at the store or waiting for the bus, through bad times and good times, even at your best friends engagement party. And Miroku was going to be the one to do just that.

Because she was just the girl he had been looking for.

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #242: “EASY COME... EASY GO!”

April, 1984

“Okay Avengers, the party’s over!”

Being a buzzkill, party-hating Cover Vision!

Hmm. Something about this cover makes it feel like from an older era. The returned Mighty Avengers logo or maybe the inking? Or perhaps the Silver Age DC superdickery energy to it? I can’t put my finger on it but this feels like a cover you’d see in the 70s instead of the 80s.

Last time on Avengers: Well, they went to San Francisco for a two-parter where they fought Morgan Le Fey to save Jessica Drew’s soul. As ya do.

Vision has also been a tube boy after he walked into a null field. Starfox hooked him up to the Titan supercomputer and that didn’t fix him, it did overclock his robot brain and let him broadcast giant holograms of his own head. That’s almost as good.

This time:

Some guy: “HOLY GEEZ!”

An interesting note, this guy has only ever seen Quinjets in pictures and never thought he’d see one in person. Tells you how often the Avengers hang around Ottumwa, Iowa.

We start with the Avengers in mid-return from California.

In one of the Quinjets, She-Hulk is telling Starfox that she wished they could have spent more time before returning to New York so she could have shown him LA.

Starfox: “Ah, well... I’m sure another opportunity will present itself, She-Hulk! Besides, the scenery around her has plenty to offer!”

Wanda looks like she’s trying to astral project away from Starfox putting his hand on her shoulder but she’s really just distracted thinking about Vision.

The Avengers on the Jessica Drew mission radioed back to the Mansion that they were bringing Hank Pym home but Wanda suggested that Hank could examine Vision and maybe fix him. But Vision rejected the idea and Wanda is at a loss for why he’s determined to overcome his robo-paralysis on his own.

I’m also a little confused why they didn’t call on Hank Pym sooner to examine tube Vision but then again that would have been super awkward for Wasp and Reed Richards, that hack, said Vision should have recovered quickly.

Speaking of super awkward, Hank and Wasp are alone together in the other Quinjet.

Hank is also baffled that Vision turned down his help. He repaired him once before! Remember? He got super tiny and had a fantastic voyage inside him? In Avengers #93?

Jan comments that she hasn’t heard Hank sound so confident in years and he confirms that devoting his time fully to SCIENCE and taking superheroing off the table as an option has done wonders for his emotional outlook.

He also reiterates that he never felt cut out for the superhero life. Aw, enjoy it while it lasts, bud.

And he thanks her for calling him Hank instead of “Dr. Pym” like she did at the hospital.

Wasp: “Oh... That. Well, when you flew out at my request to help save Jessica Drew’s life... after all we’d been through... the divorce and all... I’m afraid I slipped into my stuffy Avengers chairwoman voice. I thought it might make things easier, but it didn’t... For either of us. I’m sorry, Hank.”

Hank Pym: “That’s okay, Jan. I understand. Your ‘stuffy chairwoman voice,’ huh? Heh-heh. How often do you have to use that?”

Wasp: “Wellll... Most of the time the others will go along with ol’ ‘dingaling Jan’ -- but sometimes, I have to get tough. That never fails to grab their attention!”

Hank Pym: “No doubt! Once, I was the only Avenger who knew how tough you really were! I’m glad the others are learning.”

Wasp: “I guess that none of us are ever too old to learn, Hank.”

Feels like Hank is rewriting some things in his memories since Jan often had to diminish herself to make him feel better but then again it didn’t always work so maybe the idea is that he knew all along how strong she was?

Either way, nice to see these two interacting so amiably.

Also, I like that she’s able to be an effective leader while still being ‘dingaling Jan’ since it doesn’t change how smart and capable she is. And the contrast if she has to get serious only helps.

I think overall I like that her leadership style is so uniquely her and that when her character was retrofitted to operate outside of being ‘Hank Pym’s partner’ she still remained recognizably her.

We have a whopping several women on the Avengers at this time (glorious) and Wasp, She-Hulk, Scarlet Witch, and Captain Marvel all feel like different characters.

Since Vision declined Hank Pym’s help, Wasp drops him off back home in Central Indiana.

Once these two were husband and wife, friends and lovers. But they were very different people and, without meaning to, they hurt each other very much. Today, they have perhaps put a small bit of that hurt behind them. Today, they have again become friends.

Daaaaw. Friends.

Wasp returns to Avengers Mansion to discover there’s a full-on party going on. There’s even streamers and a Captain America who seems incredibly enthusiastic about streamers.

(In another fun bit, Monica knew about the party already because she flew ahead to the mansion before joining Wasp in the Quinjet after she dropped off Hank. And she was bursting to not tell Wasp what was going on as they landed.)

Wasp is even more surprised when she learns that the party is celebrating Hawkeye’s marriage.

Wasp: “Barton? You mean Hawkeye? Married?!?”

Hawkeye: “‘Fraid so, Jan! I’d like you to meet my bride... Mockingbird.”

Mockingbird: “How do you do?”

Wasp: “Oh... fine. You’ll have to excuse me. This is... quite a surprise.”

A reaction that Mockingbird says she’s getting used to because she’s seeing it from all of Hawkeye’s friends!

Hah!

Hawkeye asks Cap on the sly whether he made the right move, getting married, but Cap is very supportive, saying its the most responsible thing he’s ever done.

Hawkeye: “What?! Cap, you cut me to the quick! Haven’t I always acted in a mature, responsible manner?”

She-Hulk: “Look who’s talking... the man whose proudest achievement is the invention of the water-balloon arrow!”

Provided She-Hulk isn’t just making stuff up, there’s some serious off-screen shenanigans that we didn’t get to see, possibly involving Hawkeye shooting water balloons at She-Hulk all day.

But... CLINT. YOU INVENTED AN ANTI-GRAVITY ARROW!

Why am I the only one who remembers that?

Thor shows up at the party next, back from his own solo adventures, and offers his own congratulations to Hawkeye.

Mockingbird is undergoing some culture shock here, as she’s astounded that Hawkeye calls Thor “Goldilocks.” And when Thor turns his Thor charm on her, and blesses their wedding, she’s rendered briefly speechless.

Its fun that we get this side of her. I think she was similarly blown away when they met Cap on the subway.

But even though she was a SHIELD agent and then a freelance superhero, she doesn’t seem to have a lot of exposure to your Avengers types so Hawkeye pulling her into those social circles is a lot of fun.

She’s going to get used to it though. I know that she Avenges herself in the future.

Also, look at Thor’s flagon of mead. Holy shit. Its as big as his whole torso.

Jarvis is really dedicated!

Over in a quiet corner of the party, Wanda tries to convince Vision to let Hank Pym take a look at him but Vision dismisses the idea.

Vison: “Please, Wanda, let’s not spoil this happy occasion! Surprise parties are all too rare, and few of them are party to as many surprises as this one!”

And instead of explaining what he means, he turns his hologram off.

Well, okay.

AH HA HE WAS REPAIRED AND JUST DIDN’T MENTION

For reasons of surprise.

What a whimsical turn for the Vision.

Aw, that panel of them kissing and everyone cheering is sweet. That’s how I like to remember them. Not, err, later developments.

(I also like Mockingbird being confused whether or not he’s still a hologram because of his intangibility)

Everyone congratulates Vision for being bipedal again.

Vision: “It’s good to be moving, Jan. But my recovery shouldn’t come as that big of a surprise. As I told you a few days ago, it was just a matter of time before I isolated the cause of my body’s motor dysfunctions -- and initiated the proper repair systems.”

But he tosses some sweet cred to Starfox, for hooking up to an alien supercomputer. It’s like matchmaking but with networks.

The surprise of his surprise recovery pales compared to his next surprise, as he announces (without consulting Wanda at all, geez) that its imperative that she and him stay with the Avengers full-time.

All I’m saying is communication is important, Vizh.

And maybe you should have brought this up with Wasp too? She is the chairwoman and as Cap points out, the team is already pretty packed, especially with Hawkeye and Thor back.

Vision: “Yes, the ‘chairman’s privilege’ limit! But you’re not the leader now, Cap... the Wasp is! And she’ll just have to change that limit -- or the membership roster -- to include Wanda and myself! We will be needed in the upcoming emergency!”

Kinda dropping a lot of surprises on this surprise party, Vision! I don’t know if you really get the concept wholly? You’re not supposed to save up all the surprises for this one day.

Also, Vision’s speech bubbles have changed. They’re still rounded rectangles but they’re not yellow anymore and the font is a bit italicized. Hm. Wonder if that means anything.

Anyway, Vision announces that while he was a tube boy, he detected two major fluctuations of Earth’s electromagnetic fields by some “unknown energy of near-infinite power.”

He’s secretly been working with Reed Richards on this and neither of them have been able to track down what this nonsense is. But until this malevolent mystery is uncovered, he and Wanda as two of the more powerful reservists must obviously be active Avengers.

But how does he know its malevolent if he hasn’t been able to uncover what it is? Deductive reasoning and intuitive presentiment!

Pffffft.

I think this might be my favorite recent punchline from this book.

But Vision has more than just bad vibes to be given a frighten by this upcoming ominousness!

Vision: “The energy I detected goes beyond the limits of any known to man! The power flux showed on our screens for a mere fraction of a second, and then disappeared without a single trace. That concerns me... And it should concern all of us! If we cannot discover the source of this energy, there could be catastrophic consequences!”

And to show how seriously he’s taking this, he makes this horrifying face.

He looks like he’s trying to eat Wasp.

I do not care for this. Either the specific panel or the overall idea of someone eating Wasp.

Anyway, Vision and Scarlet Witch goes off to check the super advanced equipment he installed in the monitor room without asking anyone. He’s doing that a lot lately.

Wasp is both annoyed that he went over her head and impressed with his initiative in doing so.

But she has other matters to attend and asks Thor and Cap(tain America) head down for a private meeting with her.

And now the party is kind of over!

Yeah, you ruined it, Vision! You put too many surprises on the surprise party! You could have saved some for later!

Vision and Scarlet Witch went off to the monitor room. Wasp, Cap(tain America), and Thor went off to have an executive meeting. And Hawkeye and Mockingbird slipped away from their own party not long after that!

Leaving Captain Marvel, She-Hulk, Starfox, and Jarvis to stand around awkwardly wondering where the party went. They didn’t even cut the cake yet!

Dammit Vision!

Hawkeye snuck out to the garden behind Avengers Mansion that’s been there all along. And Mockingbird followed to see what’s bugging him.

Hawkeye: “I’ve always loved this spot. Great tree, isn’t it? Ya know, it’s not easy to get an apple tree to grow this big in the city!”

But Mockingbird sees through that and asks what’s really his beef.

Hawkeye: “Aw, it’s just that I can see another membership shuffle in the works!”

Mockingbird: “So?”

Hawkeye: “So, I’m the one most likely to get bounced!”

I like the range of Hawkeye emotions here.

Hawkeye says that since he has a life (marriage) outside the Avengers now, he doesn’t mind so much being cut from the team. But if they’re going to be facing the latest and greatest menace of all times, he wants to face it with them!

Mockingbird: “That was pretty profound... for a guy who’s supposed to be a butt-head!”

Hawkeye: “Well, thank you, Mrs. Butt-head!”

Aww.

This is a fun bit too.

Mockingbird asks if Hawkeye wants to go inside and get some cake but he shoots an apple from the tree and offers Mockingbird one.

Pretty slick, Clint.

Over at the monitor room, Vision is really into monitoring whatever is upcoming. Super into it. So Wanda has to ask a question.

Scarlet Witch: “Darling... Are you sure you’re all right?”

Vision: “What sort of question is that?”

Scarlet Witch: “You’ve been acting so peculiar lately!”

Vision: “Wanda, how do you expect me to act? I’ve just recovered from spending what seemed like an eternity in a life support tube, able to move about only as a holographic image! Before that, my body was possessed by the dying sorcerer, Necrodamus. And that was almost immediately after I’d gone through the agony of losing an arm. Thankfully, the Inhuman scientists of Attilan were able to restore my limb. But you must admit we’ve both been through a score of trails these past few months! And now, I’ve detected something which could be the biggest menace we’ve ever faced! All things considered, is it really so surprising that I’m acting this way?”

Huuuuuh. I mean, he has a point. That’s a lot of shit in a very short time frame to endure.

This could very reasonably be a reaction to it all.

That’s a very unnerving smile though.

Over at the not-secret but private just Wasp, Thor, and Cap(tain America) meeting, Wasp, Thor, and Cap(tain America) are meeting.

Well, really, its more that Thor is recapping the tale of Beta Ray Bill for the other two. But we, the readers, just get an editor’s caption telling us to read Walter Simonson’s Thor (and I don’t need to be told twice) and Thor summing up to the salient point that Donald Blake is gone forever and is definitely never going to come back multiple times.

What Cap takes from this is ‘hey i hope that means you’re back on the team then!’ which Thor affirms.

Thor: “Aye, Captain America! Some of my finest hours have been as an Avenger. It would be the greatest honor to continue my service in your company... if you will have me!

But Wasp isn’t going to dump Thor from the roster!

Problem being, what the heck is she going to do with the roster? She doesn’t want to dump anyone off it, she doesn’t want to tell Vision to eff off, but she doesn’t want to lead an unwieldy team either. Six is a good number of Avengers!

I love Wasp’s note paper where she’s scrawled various roster ideas, clearly getting more and more frustrated with the exercise.

Cap suggests that maybe a temporary expansion would be the best move, if there even is a menace!

He’s somewhat doubtful of Vision’s story but wouldn’t you know it, as soon as he says that, the priority alarm goes off because Vision has detected the Ominous Energy Readings again.... IN CENTRAL PARK!

And lest anyone doubt Vision this time, an enormous and blinding flash lights up the Manhattan skies.

Cap: “I... believe you, Vision.”

Hah.

The Avengers head for Central Park with devices that Vision has created that will help them trace the energy but he could have saved the time.

There’s a big obvious structure that wasn’t there before. Odds are pretty good that that’s the anomaly.

Hmmm... Y’know, that structure looks familiar. As if I’ve seen it somewhere... But wheeeeeeeeeerre. I guess its a secret to everyone.

The sudden appearance of a large structure right after a massive flash isn’t even the weirdest thing going on. As Reluctant Science Guy Starfox waves around the detecting device, he realizes that the Ominous energy isn’t coming from the giant structure. It seems to be coming from everywhere. But it dips as you get closer to the structure.

Starfox posits that the energy is being focused on the ring from another location.

Curiouser and curioserer.

The Avengers poke around some more. Hawkeye calls attention to an arch built into the wall of the structure. It’s just real interesting. It’s super, incredibly interesting. Plus, the air is nice in the arch.

And it’s an arch. It looks like it’d be a doorway or tunnel to the middle of the structure but it doesn’t go anywhere.

Huh.

How fascinating.

She-Hulk, Cap(tain America), Captain Marvel, Wasp, and Thor join Hawkeye in the arch and agree that it’s a pretty interesting arch.

Perhaps this arch was made for them.

As soon as they join Hawkeye in it, there’s another blinding flash of light and those Avengers vanish in a curl of smoke.

Wow.

I can’t believe Hawkeye, She-Hulk, Captains America and Marvel, Wasp and Thor are dead.

Huh. And Wasp was just complaining about having too many Avengers!

Everyone is appropriately shocked by this, especially Vision because there were no energy emissions coming from the thing so it should have been inert.

Scarlet Witch and Starfox wonder whether the missing Avengers have been teleported somewhere, into some other story... or destroyed.

But before they can investigate the structure for clues, or see if it’ll strike again?, the whole thing vanishes as quickly as it appeared.

The plus side is that it makes Starfox lean toward ‘teleported’ which still doesn’t answer where the Avengers have been taken or who would do it.

If it’s the Collector again, I swear!

Here we go... Follow @essential-avengers​ because I thought I had more time! Oh geez, I don’t know how I’m going to handle this... Also, like and reblog because I like to think I do good work.

[starksinthenorth]

I really hate the way the asoiaf fandom talks about colonialism and imperialism and invasion

the suggestions are typically imposed on House Targaryen and also on Daenerys. 

Firstly, house targaryen were not imperialists, at least in aenar’s age. We know literally nothing about Dragonstone, only that the Valyrians settled it 200 BC. The term “settled” implies that no one else was there, and considering how detailed GRRM has been with other clashing ethnic groups (First Men vs. Children, First Men vs. Andals, Andals vs. Rhoynar), I feel like we can safely say that “settled” suggests the island was empty, especially considering its stone and smoke doesn’t give it a lot of valuable resources.

This is probably colonialism. The Valyrians literally set up a colony and a town and a tower. But it is not imperialism, since little-to-no extension onto Westeros was done.

Aegon the Counqeror was not an imperialist. Imperialism is based on expanding the power of your particular country through military force and diplomacy. However, he didn’t have a country to expand. They were lords of dragonstone, not kings. He made a country though, through conquest.

The closest the Targ family comes to imperialism is probably the conquest of the sisters and the invasion of Dorne. But, I honestly don’t think any of this should be considered imperialism because it’s much closer to the tribal/kingdom warfare of Africa, the mongol conquests, the wars in asia, and the european wars of “who owns italy” and “who owns germany” than the era imperialism emerged as a term, which is typically used to specifically refer to the 1600s-now conquest of underdeveloped/weaker nations by conglomerate/stronger powers (mainly Europe and the US, but lbr china is imperializing africa at this point). The power imbalance there is drastically different but besides the whole “we have dragons” thing, there really wasn’t that much more strength for aegon + co.

Finally, while they mostly only marry internally for the first couple centuries, the second century saw intermarrying so that Dany is only 1/8 valyrian and Jon/Aegon VI/Rhaenys were all 1/16. Dany/Rhaegar/Viserys are 3/8 dornish (mix rhoynar/andal through the dynes and martells) and 1/2 first men/andal mix (blackwoods). So while they may have been outsiders at first, they intermarried to the point that they’re pretty much as Westerosi as your gonna get as an immigrant.

Fastforward to Daenerys. 

She’s not a colonialist. At all. she isn’t establishing new settlements and wiping people out through specific warfare. And, if you look at colonialism, its often paired by a specific attempt to genocide a group or destroy its culture. the US/british/etc. actively trend to kill the native population, the spanish enslaved them, the US even into the 1900s and potentially into the now took children away from their parents to “normalize” them as good christian kids. they destroyed languages and religions and entire cultural practices. 

but dany isn’t doing that. she’s tried to blend in with the meereense as much as possible, wearing a tokar, living in their pyramid, meeting with the green grace and following at least some of their customs. she never tries to stop the green grace from doing their religion, she gets married using most of their customs. the things dany rejects are  those that are oppressive - slavery, slaves in the fighting pits, the chance for hizdar’s family to look under her skirts before the wedding (although she may have been sort of okay with this if she wasn't scared they’d discover her supposed infertility). and, once pushed about the importance of some things, she allows them back (mostly the fighting pits). notably, the move to do one of the things that could be a sign of real-life colonialism is the cutting of people’s shaved hair among the former masters. but that’s not something dany did - it was led by one of her council

But, Dany *is* a conqueror.

this is simple. she is a person, with armies, who conquered a city. even then, there’s only 2 westerosi ruling the city, with the rest of her council being former slaves and Meereenese. but, if the show is correct, she’ll leave that city to rule itself post-her, pretty much serving as a parallel to the Ally coalition that held germany while it figured its shit out and helped stabilize it. So it’s not imperialistic, either. 

Finally, people like to rebut the “Targaryens are imperialism!” argument with “so are the starks!” They aren’t necessarily wrong, but the kingdom expansion of france that took over Provence and Avengnon and the rest was never and is not considered colonialism or imperialism. it’s just war. See my above descriptions to see why war/conquest are different than colonialism and imperialism. And if you go so far back to say “the first men conquest of the children is imperialism!” please sit down. it’s essentially the same concept as us (homo erectus) popping out of africa/the middle east to take over the neanderthals. 

[charmmycolour]

Answer questions about Dakavendish pls UwU

YES! I love any excuse to talk about my dorks!

1. Who kissed the other first?

Cavendish.

I know, I know, but hear me out! Let me put a short and a long answer because the long one is long.

Short answer: Cavendish kisses Dakota for the first time without realizing, because he’s simply too excited and not thinking properly. And we know how touchy he gets when he’s excited.

Long answer (you can skip): It’s a personal headcanon that in the future Cavendish alone will get a better job at PIG, and at Dakota insistence he will accept. There’s a ton more to that hc, but basically at some point Cav would be in danger and, in his usual fashion, Dakota would rush to save him. But because they are trying to blackmail PIG and Cav is now important, they kidnap Dakota.

Cavendish tries to convince PIG to send a team to save Dakota, but Bob is all “he’s just the janitor, we can’t waste resorces on a rescue mission for him. Don’t worry about it!” and Cav is FURIOUS, but can’t really do anything about it and he’s too scared to go on a rescue mission on his own. This is too dangerous and he’s clumsy and insecure.

So Cavendish is mopping alone, not knowing what to do. At some point, Milo, Melissa and Zack find him and unaware of the situation just ask where is Dakota. And Cav is like, I can’t tell them the true! They would want to help and get worried, and I can’t involve three innocent children on this. So he lies and tells them everything is fine and Dakota is doing his own thing somewhere else.

But since the topic is there, Milo mentions Dakota is a cool guy and the rest agree. Cavendish, still on his "everything is fine" act tries to act like usual pointing Dakota's flaws "you won't say that if you had to work with him, he's messy, irresponsible, impulsive, always hungry, has no sense of fashion..."

But then he starts to trail off "and he gets excited with the smallest of things, can you imagine? I guess that's quite admirable on it's own way, but... I mean, I don't hate him, Dakota can be pretty helpful sometimes. He knows how to act under pressure, can talk his way out of situations, made our job a lot less boring, and to be honest, he's quite funny, even with that odd sense of humor; and he's the most loyal person I have ever know, he's kind and  witty and selfless and..."

He ends listing all kind of virtues and the kids look at each other and Melissa goes: "Wow, someone likes-likes Dakota, uh?". And Cavendish is just "What? No! I don't... I would never... Dakota is not..." then he suddenly is hit by the realization and just stares in the void, eyes wide. And Melissa of course would tell Zack "I told ya" and he would give her five dolars, because they absolutely have a bet going about this.

The kids will leave saying "Tell Dakota we said hi!" and after a few more moments of existential crisis, Cav would change to absolute determined and will go "I will" and decide to save Dakota on his own. And he goes and is BADASS CAVENDISH rescue mission.

And THEN, when he finally gets to Dakota, and sees him, and screams his name and hugs him, he kisses Dakota out of pure joy, and then smiles at him and says “Milo and his friends said hi”.

END OF LONG ANSWER

2. What was their first fight about?

We know it was about using the training car to get burritos hehe

3. Who sleeps in the couch more often?

Once they had a proper bed? Absolutely Dakota. Cavendish gets super huffy and Dakota would rather use the couch that listen to his complains (also Dakota probably don’t have problems sleeping everywhere, not because of the place at least.)

4. Who drinks coffee and who drinks tea?

Easy one! Cavendish drinks tea, Dakota drinks coffee.

Although I will say Cav secretly puts a lot more sugar on his tea that the average person would find acceptable, and despite his sweet tooth in other deparments, Dakota likes his coffe very bitter to keep him awake.

5. Who goes grocery shopping more often?

Dakota. Cavendish had been so sheltered all his life that he’s blissfully unaware on how much money food cost, or what is truly needed in a house. If you let him go shooping, he ends getting too much, and half of it totally unnecessary.

On the other hand, years and years of poverty had made Dakota an expert of how to buy cheap. However he also buys a lot of unhealthy food, but fortunately Cav is improving that part.

6. Who brings breakfast in bed?

Dakota does so often, the thing is that his concept of “breakfast on bed” consist mostly of a cup of tea and whatever sparse pastry was around at the moment.

Cavendish only does so on rare ocassion, but when it happens, he gets flowers, the most fancy breakfast he’s able to prepare and a a sweet note, if not some small detail. He takes the gesture very seriously.

7. Who sleeps first?

Cavendish. He enjoys routine, wakes up at 6:30am every day and it’s in bed at 9:30pm. By 10 he’s sleeping.

8. Who watches the other sleeping?

Dakota has bad sleeping habits, but it’s mostly due to night terrors and nightmares. He often watches Cavendish sleep, just happy he’s there, and he’s alive.

He also enjoys watching him mumble on his dreams, except when it’s about Hildegard or any of the other previour crushes of Cavendish, which Dakota hates. Not as much because the jealousy but at the fact Cav always gets rejected and hurt on these dreams.

9. Who met the parents in law first?

Assuming they ever get to see their families again, Dakota would be the one meeting Cavendish parents for sure. In fact, I’m not even sure Dakota wants to ever introduce Cavendish to his abusive mother and probably absent father, if father at all.

10. Who does the laundry?

Sunday is laundry day (Dakota doesn’t wear much on Sundays!), and the shorter man is the one that takes care of it. Putting clothes on a washing machine it’s easy, so he jumped at claiming the task inmediatly.

Plus he can pretend there’s no clean clothes he can wear for the day...

11. Who washes the dishes?

Cavendish, altough Dakota had to teach him because he hadn’t washed a dish before in his life prior to his job at BoTT.

12. Who clean up the house?

Cavendish. Again, he needed some help, but now he knows how to keep the space clean and tidy, he WILL keep the space clean and tidy. Dakota really don’t care much for order, but Cav can’t live without it.

13. Who washes the car?

You can bet Dakota not only washes the car, but absolutely does a lewd spectacle of it. There’s always more water and soap over him that over the vehicle.

14. Who brings take outs?

Both of them take turns, as take out is one of their favorite things. Sometimes Dakota just appear with them without warning, though.

15. Who calls the other to ask if they want something from the street?

Dakota is always too loud “Hey Cav, Cav, what do you want?? I take a large or an extra large?? What’s better? Cav, Cav, CAV!”

Cavendish often wants to sink on the ground out of embarrassment.

16. Who’s more likely to make plans?

Count on Dakota making plans on the spot and making most of the day. Cavendish has problems with changes, but still obliges because, well, it’s Dakota.

17. Who dreams about a big wedding?

Cavendish always had imagined his wedding as the most big, fancy, white party in the world.

Dakota was unexpected on that plan, of course. Wearing white around him can’t end well, Cavendish knows it. But somehow... he doesn’t care as much about the wedding anymore.

Dakota didn’t even want to get married, but now the idea looks a lot more appealing, if only to have the change to carry Cav around on his arms.

18. Who breaks the cups?

Cavendish, actually, all the time. Too clumsy for this world.

19. Who holds the umbrella?

When raining starts, Dakota usually silently puts the umbrella over Cavendish, which more often than not doesn’t even realize it’s raining and what Dakota is doing for several minutes. Dakota ends wet a lot, but he don’t care. When Cav finally realizes, though, he makes sure to put both of them under it and hold the umbrella, since he’s a lot taller. Dakota is thankful because his arm was starting to hurt.

20. Who takes the other to the dance floor?

Cavendish is a good dancer, but he absolutely never dances on his own volition. Dakota drags him to dance every time, and every time, Cavendish ends enjoying it.

21. Who does the big romantic gestures?

I think sacrificing yourself hundreds of times to save the other’s life counts as a big romantic gesture, so Dakota.

Cav tries his best, but is misfortune doesn’t help. Not that Dakota cares.

22. Who’s more likely to serenade?

Dakota. Not only has he the better singing voice, but he can make songs in the spot. Plus he likes to fluster Cavendish serenading him in public.

23. Who forgets the wet towel in bed?

You can bet Dakota does and you can bet Cavendish nags him for it.

24. Who don’t pick up things when they fell?

Dakota. What’s another thing in the floor?

25. Who keeps losing the keys?

Cavendish is CONSTANTLY missing everything. He don’t even understand why, his order is impeccable! Meanwhile Dakota, that thrives on his own messes, can locate any item in seconds.

26. Who sings the rap part?

The idea of Cavendish trying to rap anything is making me laugh too hard, so Dakota.

27. Who pretends to be sad just so the other will cheer they up?

Dakota is always cheering Cavendish up, although Cav is genuinely sad. It’s possible that he gets more pouty than necesary just to get Dakota’s attention, though.

28. Who wakes up ready for a maraton?

Cavendish does exercise every morning. Dakota hated it, until he discovered Cav wears a really ridiculous and tight 80 workout aerobic outfit for it. Since then, he wakes up early too only to watch Cavendish doing exercise in front of the TV.

29. Who buys them tickets for shows?

Cavendish. He insist they need to do more cultural things. Half of the time they end leaving at the middle and going to some childish activity instead, though.

30. Who choose the movie?

Oh, they are always bickering about who is choosing the movie and who has better taste. True is, both have terrible taste.

31. Who says ‘I love you’ more often?

After the first time (that took more than ten years!), Dakota finally feels free to say I love you, and will absolutely use it. Dakota reminds Cav he loves him several times a day for the tiniest of things.

Cavendish is more reserved, if only because he still gets flustered with the idea. He likes his words to hold a sense of uniqueness, and so he limits his love words to the most intimate or romantic moments.

32. Who keeps waving at people after they got engaged?

Half the city knows all the details about Dakota’s ring, because he can’t stop himself from bragging about Cavendish to everyone.

33. Who uses the most ridiculous nicknames for the other?

Cavendish is not a fan of pet names and only uses Dakota, and sometimes Vinnie or at most dear. Dakota don’t extend the courtesy to him.

Dakota calls Cavendish every pet name under the sun. Babe, handsome, amore, casanova, cutie, cupcake, muffin, sugar plum, sweetie, tesoro mio... even mister hot stuff or sexy pants.

Cavendish hates it.

He tried to make ridiculous names for Dakota, but Dakota loves every one of them. So now Cav calls him teddy bear.

34. Who’s responsible for date nights?

Date nights, as an event, is mostly Cav’s job. He organizes wonderful dates, but gets frustrated quickly if anything goes wrong, so Dakota spontaneous nature it’s a blessing.

35. Who wakes up one day and decides to stay in bed?

That’s Dakota 90% of mornings.

And 85% of the time, Cav doesn’t let him.

Sometimes, though... a few extra cuddles can’t hurt anyone.

[mr-entj]

Career 102: Getting a job you have no experience in

Combined with the following asks:

Hey Mr ENTJ. Do you have advice on how to move from academia into industry for someone who has only research experience? Only a CV and not a resume? Thank you!

How do you spin skills from one industry to be applicable to another? I'm a theater and English major (yes, I know) and it's been difficult finding work lately, because I am stuck living in a state where there are little jobs for that. I've worked on films, weddings, as a curator guide at a museum, and have my AA. I've had good interview after good interview, and have been outright told at three different places that I was a perfect fit. And then they went with someone else. Any advice?

Hi Mr. ENTJ I love your blog, is a great source of information for me so thanks for that! I have a question if you don’t mind. What kind of advice would you give to a graduate student who has not worked on their field during college and now is looking for a job? I’m a Business major but I’m currently working as a language teacher at a private institute (it started as a part-time job) My salary’s really good, however I’d like to start working in business but I have no experience on that :( thnks!

Hi there! I've read some of your advice to other askers and find what you say very perceptive and realistic. I'd like to ask your opinion. I have Bachelors and Masters degrees in the life sciences. I worked in academia for 2 years but my field lacked funding so I left. I have no commercial experience.I have problems getting a job because of this and most companies' resistance to hiring nonpractical grads. I want to go into consulting which is more flexible with degrees. What would you advise?

Hi mr entj! This may be a bit of a stupid question but what should I do if I can't find the job in a field(actually sub-field of a field) that I'm aiming for? I'm looking to be a concept artist but I can't seem to find any such jobs that don't require atleast a year of experience and since I'm a fresher I don't have that. In my country, there is also not a tradition of getting small student jobs so I don't have that experience either. Help me with some tips please.

Related answers:

Resume and Cover Letter Guide

Job Hunting 101

Top 3 job hunting mistakes college students make

Tips on transitioning from school to the workplace

Job interview tips

To break into a field that you have no experience in, translate the experiences in your current career into the “language” of your target career. The ultimate goal is this: make it as easy as possible for the hiring manager (and recruiter) to understand your background. People are lazy, they aren’t going to waste their time performing mental gymnastics to figure out how your obscure experience applies to their available job-- if they can’t figure it out-- your resume goes into the rejection pile. Make it easy for them.

To do that, see below.

Step 1: Collect multiple job descriptions of similar roles 

The goal is to source as many overlapping skills as possible for the same role so that you can update your resume to reflect them. To illustrate this, let’s say you’re currently a school teacher but your goal is to become a Communications Manager for a tech company. What kind of skills are tech companies looking for in Communications Managers? A simple search on LinkedIn for “communications manager” yields 42,000 results:

You don’t need to read all 42,000 job descriptions, but pick 4-5 that interest you from top companies (i.e. Lyft, Twitter, Facebook, Google) of similar nature. Top companies are leaders of the pack; their job descriptions are reliably the ones that other lower tier companies will copy.

Step 2: Identify key themes

All job descriptions that aren’t scams will have sections called “roles/responsibilities” and “minimum qualifications” with detailed bullet points describing what they’re looking for in the ideal candidate. As an example, I’ll use the Lyft “Internal Communications Manager” job description above and a “Communications Manager” job from Twitter to identify the key themes.

Lyft - Internal Communications Manager

Responsibilities

Work closely with and influence key company leadership to develop and disseminate their important messages to team members, including aligning the team on our strategy, goals, and priorities (Key theme: Communication)

Own strategy and results for keeping all relevant team members informed on important org news and updates in a timely and engaging manner.  (Key theme: Stakeholder management)

Provide strategic, direct hands-on support to key senior leaders  (Key theme: Project management)

Proactively identify new opportunities and develop new programs to continually up level our internal communications program  (Key theme: Analysis)

Successfully collaborate with cross-functional partners to execute on a comprehensive plan for seamless communications.  (Key theme: Collaboration)

Maintain the Lyft voice across all communications, written and verbal, and across company leadership (Key theme: Branding)

Keep Lyft fun!  (Key theme: Culture fit)

Twitter - Communications Manager

Roles And Responsibilities

Coordinate with various Twitter teams on product launches, announcements, issues and other news  (Key theme: Project management)

Craft communications materials with a high degree of consistency, conviction, and strong tone of voice (e.g. messaging docs, communications plans, blog posts, statements, Tweets)  (Key theme: Communication)

Drive proactive, creative storytelling around our products and the people who build them across a range of media, both traditional and non-traditional (press, podcasts, speaking engagements, video, etc.)  (Key theme: Communication)

Help the team establish and maintain relationships with reporters nationally and globally.  (Key theme: Stakeholder management)

Manage a high-volume of incoming queries from media covering product matters, and be able to consult and drive towards decision-making on press response during high-pressure scenarios  (Key theme: Project management)

Serve as a company spokesperson in the U.S. and in other markets.  (Key theme: Branding)

Draft, manage through reviews, and upload blog posts and Tweets for announcements and updates  (Key theme: Communication)

Track press coverage for key announcements; identify and correct inaccuracies in stories  (Key theme: Analysis)

Support team to drive proactive stories in global, local and industry-focused publications  (Key theme: Project management)

You’ll notice that the same key themes will emerge for similar roles. Extract these key themes and copy and paste them into your resume. Move to step 3. 

Step 3: Translate your experience and achievements to map to these key themes

From the Lyft and Twitter Communications Manager job descriptions above, we have the following 7 key themes:

Communication: Writing, editing, speaking, etc.

Stakeholder management: How to be organized and manage large groups of people of different levels and backgrounds

Project management: How to be organized and adaptable to support senior leaders with whatever they need done

Analysis: How to be a critical thinker who can spot better ways to do things (AKA performance/process improvement)

Collaboration: How to achieve success with people from different backgrounds

Branding: How to write in the company’s voice or a voice not your own

Culture fit: You need to jive with the company’s organizational culture

As a school teacher, you may not have the exact experience required but you’ve definitely done work that maps to these key themes. Use the verbiage from the job descriptions to write new bullet points for your resume:

(Key theme: Communication): Crafted and distributed weekly internal communications to 500+ students on academic updates, key event announcements, and other news in collaboration with administrative staff

(Key theme: Communication): Managed a high volume of inquiries from parents and administrative staff on the academic performance of 30+ students, provided updates and resolved concerns resulting in strong performance ratings

(Key themes: Stakeholder management + project management): Collaborated closely with senior leadership and a team of parents, educators, and volunteers to fund, launch, and manage the school’s $400,000 music program resulting in new extracurricular opportunities for 40+ students

(Key theme: Analysis): Led strategic initiative to improve academic curriculum and identified new teaching methodologies for 20 ESL (English Second Language) students resulting in an 15% increase in annual graduation rates

It won’t be a perfect fit, you will still get a lot of rejections, but your profile and background are much easier to understand to someone hiring for a communication manager role than it was before. Use your new resume as a script for the job interview to explain your experience as it relates to the role they’re hiring for.

Key Takeaways

Brand yourself for the role you want, not the role you have. Your resume and LinkedIn should contain a description of the role you’re aiming for and what skills/experience you bring to the table. If you’re currently a school teacher who wants to become a Communications Manager, then brand yourself as a “Communications leader with expertise in education, project management, and collaboration with people of various backgrounds.” This also makes it easier for recruiters to find you online because if they’re hiring for a Communications Manager, they will not be searching for a school teacher, they’ll be searching for key words related to that specific role.

Apply everywhere. You’re going to get rejected, a lot, it’s part of the process and you’re an underdog so don’t take it personally. Job hunting is a numbers game, always cast a wide net.

Progress is better than perfection. If your goal is to become a Communications Manager for the United States White House but you’re currently a school teacher, then the odds are you won’t immediately get hired by the White House. The goal here is to first break into the industry and work your way up. Accept the role that you want in a company that may not be your first choice because progress is better than perfection. Once you accumulate achievements in this role, other more reputable companies will be willing to take a chance on you.

Networking is everything. This is why human connections are the most powerful-- resumes can score interviews, but relationships build careers because hiring is about trust. If people don’t know you and your experience doesn’t inspire a ton of confidence or trust, they won’t extend an offer and commit to a legally binding employment agreement. To build that trust, use university career offices, professional networking events, internet job sites, forums, and other venues to engage and meet people. Socialization leads to trust which leads to opportunities.

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

Royal Growing Pains - Chapter Sixteen

Warnings: Homophobia, transphobia, misgendering, sympathetic Deceit

Royal Growing Pains Tag

“So, in terms of vows, I assume your mother didn’t want to go the traditional route, if you have nothing planned,” the Queen said.

“Yeah,” Roman sighed. “This is the one thing she apparently doesn’t want to be traditional, and I hate it. Does she really think I know Damien enough for personalized vows?”

“I have no doubt she wants other people to believe that, regardless of whether or not it’s true,” the Queen said. “Do you want a few minor facts about Damien that might help everything feel a bit more personal?”

“That might help,” Roman agreed. “I mean, I know he’s a klutz, and I know he can sing and dance surprisingly well for a klutz, and I know he likes philosophy, but...honestly that’s about it.”

“You also are aware of his orientation,” the Queen pointed out. “He told me he told you.”

“Ah, yeah, I know that too,” Roman said, cheeks tinged pink.

The Queen nodded. “Is there anything in particular you’d like to know? Do you have anything in mind for vows?”

“Not really,” Roman admitted. “I have no clue what I would say. Even if he’s cute and funny and I like him, is that enough for vows?”

“Honestly? If you know how to spin it right, that might be just enough,” the Queen said with a little smile. “Just speak from the heart and you should be fine. I told Damien to do the same. He turned red and whined that it would be embarrassing.”

“He’s not wrong,” Roman said, turning redder. “Admitting that I have a crush on him in front of easily a hundred people?”

“That’s what weddings are all about, really,” the Queen said. “Telling the person you love that you love them.”

“I still don’t even know if what I like him as is anything more than a crush,” Roman protested.

“Well, you just have to sell people onto the idea that you love him more than that for half a day. After that the two of you can be whoever you want to be, and however close you want to be. It sounds more difficult than it actually is. If you act the way you act around him now when you’re at the wedding, no one will doubt that the two of you are in love,” the Queen said.

“Ugh, is it that obvious I like him?” Roman asked.

The Queen laughed. “I’m afraid so, dear.”

Roman sighed. “Okay, okay, not the point. How do I make myself sound grateful for him being an escape without flat-out saying he’s my escape?”

“You let me forget about my responsibilities for a moment, you make me feel like we’re the only two people in the world, you give me hope for a brighter future?” the Queen offered.

Roman nodded, “Ooh, that’s good. Do you mind if I write that down?”

“Go ahead,” the Queen said.

Roman typed those options dutifully onto his phone, along with the bullet points that Damien was funny, cute, and that Roman liked him. He stared at his phone in consternation. “I don’t know what else I can do for vows,” he complained, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m a disaster. I have no clue what I’m going to say.”

“You’ll figure something out, Roman, I believe in you,” the Queen said.

Roman’s mother walked back in and Roman continued staring at his phone, chewing his lower lip lightly. “What’s going on here?” Roman’s mother asked.

“Planning for vows,” the Queen said. “Apparently, it’s a difficult practice on such short notice.”

“Well, I have no doubt that you had months to plan yours,” Roman said to the Queen. “I have four days and the pressure is officially on.”

The Queen laughed lightly and said, “If you need any more help, dear, all you have to do is ask.”

Roman sighed. “I’m just really tired. I want this all over and done with.”

“Ah, now that I completely understand,” the Queen said with a little smile. “This will be over before you know it, though.”

“Enjoy the moment, Veronica. You’ll miss this time before you know it,” his mother told him.

Doubtful, Roman thought. “Aside from vows and music, is there anything else I should do?” he asked.

“I can’t immediately think of anything that you can do on your own,” the Queen said. “Diana? Anything you can think of?”

“No, nothing comes to mind,” his mother sighed. “However, I do imagine that we should talk about the night of the wedding itself, and what we plan for that.”

“I, for one, do not anticipate us having sex,” Roman said, raising his hand. “For whatever that is worth.”

The Queen’s lips quirked upwards. “That’s quite all right, dear. My husband and I were figuring that you and Damien might be heading away to your honeymoon that night, anyway. I don’t know how well you can sleep on a plane, but rest assured, if you’re not comfortable with anything Damien won’t pressure you into it.”

Roman nodded. He had figured Damien wouldn’t pressure him either way, but it was nice to hear confirmation. However... “Travelling all night sounds somewhat unpleasant, as I can’t sleep well on planes. Would it be possible to instead plan for it to be early morning?”

“Of course! First thing in the morning, the day after the wedding, you and Damien can head off on your honeymoon,” the Queen said. “You two will have a lot of fun, wherever you decide to go.”

Roman offered her a smile. “It should be nice to just get to relax for a week or so after all of this.”

The Queen nodded. “Any idea where you’d want to go?” she asked.

“The Carribean is always nice,” Roman said with a shrug. “But I’ve also always wanted to explore Rome.”

“Both of those do sound nice,” the Queen agreed. “Talk it over with Damien this afternoon. It could be that the two of you have always wanted to visit the same place and you can make plans.”

Roman nodded. He checked the time and realized with shock that it was about noon. “Wow, time flies,” he said. “Almost time for lunch already.”

The Queen looked to the clock in the room and agreed, “So it is. Anything you’d like for lunch?”

“Everything Patton makes is delicious, I’m not picky,” Roman said with a shrug.

The Queen nodded. “Diana? Any requests?”

“Not particularly,” his mother said. “Perhaps he could make a few things that he was anticipating might be requested for the wedding? Get an idea of what the reception’s food could be?”

The Queen hummed. “Good idea,” she said. “I’ll go speak to him, I’ll be back in a minute.”

But before Roman could protest her leaving, she was gone, leaving him and his mother alone. He narrowly avoided visibly cringing and returned to his phone, flipping through his apps, praying for something to keep him occupied.

“Veronica,” his mother hissed softly. “You have some explaining to do!”

“If you’re referring to the Queen’s questions this morning, I was merely being honest in my answers,” he said smoothly. “You’re the one who told me to always be honest, Mother. I don’t know why you’re so upset about it in this one particular instance.” He understood it was because he was trans, but he didn’t understand why this was the hill his mother was willing to die on.

“You are not a transgender, Veronica, how many times do I have to tell you this?” his mother hissed.

Roman rolled his eyes and closed them, praying for more patience. It didn’t appear that he was going to get any soon. “Okay, first of all? You’ve been using the word ‘transgender’ wrong. It is not a noun. It’s an adjective. I am not ‘a’ transgender, I am transgender. And I really wish you would at least use it correctly in your ignorance. I know it’s wishful thinking, but honestly, I’m so sick and tired of all of this. I just want you to accept me. You don’t even have to love me anymore. Just accept who I am. But no, that’s never going to happen, because of course it won’t. You’re too blinded by your prejudice to see that this is how I can be my happiest, most authentic self.”

His mother snarled at him and Roman didn’t even feel like crying, he was so numbed to her rejection. “Look, you can love me. Or don’t. But don’t pretend to love me when you actually love the concept that you’ve built around me and expect me to live up to. That’s just not fair,” Roman said.

“I love you for who you are, Veronica. I know this is just a phase, and I want you to realize that too!” his mother snapped.

“Why would I willingly go through a phase that would leave me ostracized, locked away in my room, unable to talk to my friends, and distanced from my own family? No, really, Mother, why would I do that?! I didn’t choose to be like this, but I’m trying to make myself happy! That’s all I’ve ever been trying to do! And yet you refuse to see that! You refuse to entertain the idea that you might be wrong! That I know more about myself than you do! Why are you so insistent that I wind up hating the person I once was? I was perfectly okay with the concept of being mistaken when I thought I was a woman until you started shoving your own agenda on me! Now I feel like I have to have known I was trans from the beginning, because that way, maybe you would have accepted me!” Roman shook his head. “You’re making me hate my past more than I ever could have without your help. Don’t be surprised if I never talk about my childhood whenever you come to visit, to make sure I’m listening to your asinine rules! I just wish...” he trailed off. “I just wish that maybe you had a shred of empathy.”

His mother growled and Roman shook his head. “No. I’m not playing this game. I’m not listening to your side of the argument, when you’re so clearly wrong and refuse to see my side. If you don’t respect me, I won’t respect you. That’s how this works. Enjoy lunch. I anticipate I won’t be talking to you for the duration of it.”

And with that, he went back to his phone. His mother was fuming, but she said nothing. And Roman knew that what he had said wasn’t wise, but he had reached the end of his rope. Besides, his mother couldn’t confine him to his guest room here, at least, and she wouldn’t want to send him back home for “acting up” only a little bit, because that would raise too many questions. So he was safe. For now.

The Queen walked back in the room and looked between them. “For what it’s worth, I am glad that neither of you set anything on fire while I was gone,” she said with a completely straight face.

Roman burst out laughing hard enough that tears were springing to his eyes.

“I’m sorry...I’m sorry!” he gasped. “That just—I mean—I think...” he trailed off into more laughter. “That struck me as funny.”

The Queen offered Roman a tiny smirk. “Patton will be bringing in samples of food he can make for the wedding shortly. He’s very relieved that we’re trying to make a decision today.”

“I’ll bet,” Roman said. “Damien and I had told him we hadn’t come to a decision and he said it was fine, but I’m sure he was a little stressed that we might be making a decision the morning of and he’d be left scrambling.”

“Probably,” the Queen agreed. “Patton does worry over perfection, even if it can’t be achieved. He would certainly be stressed if you only gave him a few hours and no chance to test the food beforehand.”

Roman nodded. “He seemed like that kind of person.”

The Queen sat down and his mother turned to her. “Rose, you never did tell me what you said to your son last night.”

“Oh,” the Queen said. “It wasn’t anything particularly noteworthy. You need to treat guests better, you need to respect others in general, sometimes no matter what you believe you need to admit that you’re wrong, that sort of thing.”

“I heard he refused to leave his room this morning, is that true?” Roman asked.

“Yes, he did refuse to leave his room, but I wouldn’t worry about it. He does that when he needs time to lick his wounds,” the Queen said, but Roman could hear the worry in her voice.

Roman’s stomach flipped. “I hope he doesn’t take too long, I would like to speak to him sometime today.”

“Logan dragged him out of his room for his studies earlier, I know because I could hear Damien’s frustrated griping as I headed here. And he works better once he has a task in front of him, he should be fine by this afternoon.”

“And I can talk to him after lunch?” Roman asked.

“You may fetch him when it’s time to plan more of the wedding and practice dancing again, yes,” the Queen said. “I can tell you’re worried about him, hopefully seeing in person that he’s all right will soothe you?”

“Yeah, hopefully,” Roman said.

Patton walked in the room, humming, and saying, “Good afternoon! I hope you three ladies are having a good day so far?”

“As good as it can be, I suppose,” Roman said noncommittally.

“Well, hopefully some of my food can cheer you up!” he said. “I have three small portions of options on each plate, one is fettuccine alfredo, one is head-breaded chicken, and the third is tilapia.”

“Thank you, Patton,” the Queen said with a smile. “I take it they’re all made the way that Damien likes them to be?”

“Since he’s not here to help decide I figured I should make three of his favorites, so he’s okay with whatever you decide,” Patton said. “Do you mind if I stay to find out what you like the most?”

“That’s fine,” Roman said.

The Queen hummed. “Which dish would you like to try first, Veronica?”

Roman shrugged, ignoring the sting of his deadname. It wasn’t like the Queen had a choice if they wanted Roman out of his parents’ house. “I’m not super picky,” he said. “I suppose we could try the tilapia?”

The three of them all took a bite of the tilapia. Roman didn’t feel super strong about it one way or the other, and he told the others as much. “I don’t hate it, but it doesn’t just seem like the kind of food I’d have at my wedding,” he said simply.

“That’s fine!” Patton chirped. “And if none of these work out, I can always find something else!”

After that, they tried the fettuccine alfredo. Roman liked this one, and he mentally decided that unless the chicken blew him away, he would choose the fettuccine.

But he tried the chicken and it well and indeed did blow him away. The breading was just the right amount of crumbly, the meat was tender. His eyes lit up and after he swallowed said, “This. This is the one.”

“Excellent choice!” Patton said. “I’ll come around later when you and Damien are both available to ask about the cake, but until then I’ll get everything ready for the chicken. What would be a vegetarian option you’d prefer?”

“Uh...I don’t know,” Roman admitted. “I’ll leave your best judgement on that, if that’s all right.”

“Perfectly fine!” Patton assured. “Enjoy the rest of your meal, I’ll be heading back to the kitchen!”

Roman turned back to the food on his plate and finished the rest of the chicken, while his mother and the Queen took their time trying the rest of the three dishes as well. When Roman had finished both the chicken and the pasta, he wiped his mouth clean with a napkin and said, “I am done with lunch, is it all right if I seek out Damien now? I can bring him to wherever we are supposed to meet next.”

The Queen sighed, but a tiny smile was playing at her lips. “Yes, dear, I imagine Damien is finished with lunch and will be outside sparring. It will be on the left hand side of the castle, do you know where the exit is from there?”

“No, but I can find it,” Roman said, standing up. “What is next on the agenda?”

“Dance practice,” the Queen informed him. “After which the tailor will give you his first fitting. And of course, we need to solidify the music choices.”

Roman nodded. “I can find Damien and we’ll head to the ballroom. Whenever you need us next feel free to come and get us.”

But before Roman could completely leave the room, his mother sent him one last warning. “Veronica, be convincing.”

Roman ignored her and kept walking down the halls in the direction he hoped would be the fastest route to Damien. He went through hall after hall, nodding to the people he passed, not missing their murmurs and the gossip about what his mother had done this morning. He felt at his cheek. Luckily, nothing seemed to be bruised, although he wasn’t sure if there was still a pink mark on his cheek or not.

He made a victorious noise when he found a doorway that led outside, sunshine spilling through as he cracked the door open. His heart leapt into his throat at the thought of seeing Damien and him being depressed or visibly upset. But he pushed those thoughts out of his mind and forced himself to keep moving forward.

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[hibibun]

A Series of Wagers (2/3)

Series: The Magnus Archives Pairing: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas Summary: "An interesting gamble for one who consorts with The One Alone… up to something are we?”

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He throws back, face contorting into a facsimile smile that rings hollow despite the amusement that has to be there ghosting his lips.

Peter was right though. He did want to know. He always did. And if it weren’t for the mirage now obscuring that information from him, it wouldn’t be necessary at all. Frankly, it was interesting enough on its own that he was finding himself getting the attention now when this was hardly the first time they had met. It’s been a good night overall though, and he isn’t complaining about the game. There’s something surprisingly lively in the pale sea weathered man across the table he hasn’t seen from any of his family in a long time.

"And if I win?" Elias asks, even though he is already picking his cards from the deck.

Notes/Warnings: Canon Compliant, Time Skips, Mind Games, Canon-Typical Behavior, Blindfolds, Mentioned Past Barnabas Bennett/Jonah Magnus, Bondage, Unhealthy Relationship AO3 CH1 - CH2 - CH3

Chapter 2: 2002 - 2011

DECEMBER 2002

While normally Elias has no issues in, and even to a degree, enjoys planning events it came as a relief to not be in charge of it this year. The end of the year is always a busy time between responsibilities to the Institute, its employees, planning the usual office party, and making sure every loose end was knotted off—nothing left lingering on his check list.

So it’s a bit of a reward when all is said and done. And despite their disposition, the Lukas family threw a good party. The venue contained plenty of spots to hide away, and after giving the necessary greetings to donors also attending, he’s able to find a nice view point from one of the tables at the top of the staircase, and comfortably watch the night unfold.

With the amount of catching up between those attending, it’s easy to glean a succinct summary of how everyone else spent the year. The things they admit, the things they think they should keep as a card up their sleeves. The tentative boundaries they draw around each other and where those alliances overlap or remain prickly as ever. Elias sits and watches them all, sipping at a flute of champagne.

It’s no surprise when Peter finds him, as usual not caring to properly announce his presence.

“Being a nosy voyeur again?”

“I believe I am allowed to enjoy a party in my preferred method. I don’t see you out there mingling either, dear,” Elias retorts, turning his gaze away from the crowds flittering down below to watch his partner steal a swig of his drink.

“That’s Nate’s job. Company head and all that—I’d rather be out on the water again, but…” He does a shrugging motion both in reference to statement’s obviousness, as well as a vague indication he was supposed to be here doing… something. Given his family was hosting, putting in an appearance that he promptly turned away from most likely.

Elias is already accustomed to this and only makes a mild noise of understanding without vocalizing that the concept didn’t seem so bad at the moment. He was feeling rather weary and in desperate need of a vacation himself, though with the length that the captain preferred to be out on the water, he doesn’t think that would be enjoyable. A weekend sounded nice though.

“I take that it was another year spent well isolated then? Certainly sounded like you had little to report.” There’s a thread of humor unsaid in how quite a few of his calls went unanswered, which spoke for itself well enough.  

“Oh, nothing too strenuous, no. Did some spring cleaning of the crew; spent a couple months in València,” Peter looks wistful as he recalls it. As if by imagining it, he’ll be back in that Spanish seaside losing himself in crowds and drawing others to become just as lost. Not that Elias was peeking, much.

“Ah yes, I received your ‘care package’. Can’t say I’m too fond of potentially disease causing artifacts, but the Cuva Vella was nice to see.”

“I don’t have the same skill sets as your lot, so there’s no knowing if it’s really from the hospital they claimed, but it looked like a nice vase either way.”

“Well it’s in Artifacts now so…” Elias responds hiding how distrusting he feels in regards to the man’s true intentions, knowing for a fact it did have something attached to it. He, of course, is going to continue to feign disinterest—something he’s seemed to pick up as a reflexive instinct to match Peter.  

“And here I was going to get you flowers,” The captain laments, though the sincerity of it is muddled behind a grin which appears to contradict his words. Elias doesn’t care to look to clarify for himself, and only answers him with an eye roll.

They stay the remainder of the party, out of sight and catching up themselves. Elias shares what gossip he feels like discussing, despite knowing Peter likely only cared to the extent of using the information to avoid as many extra conversations or meetings of his own. At some point, he must get sick of hearing about it though, and abruptly raises his head from the perch of his palm and suggests they leave.

It’s the free time Elias has to spare, he tells himself, beckoning him to follow Peter out into the night, leaving his own car to be picked up in the morning. The venue is closer to Kent and he knows they aren’t too far from the Moorland House, but isn’t surprised when it’s that same building Peter sometimes calls a home they arrive at instead.

They exchange coats and a chill settling in the room, an imitation of the past times they’ve been here—along with it, there’s an underlying hunger, once more waiting to spring free. He hadn’t been looking or expecting a longing to be there, and yet, after so many, many months apart, why wouldn’t it be?

They follow similar, yet different steps this time. Elias is more familiar with this place now despite only having been in it a handful of times before physically. He is a detail-oriented man. The model ships and carved wooden birds are still tucked away in corners meant to be dismissed. No new paintings aside from the empty coastlines he’s already seen—no doubt a gift from Simon if he detects something else alongside the strokes of that vast ocean captured in the frame.

It’s pleasant, the way Peter stares at him. Equally ravenous for what they no doubt came here for and for attention he doesn’t want to admit, all wrapped up with a lovely sheen of genuine discomfort at how deeply Elias is seeking out the person hiding behind this farce of a home. This room is nothing like the cabin he has never actually set foot into on the Tundra, and it is a place he doubts he will ever be allowed to visit.

No, this place is nothing to Peter. Merely, a place to sleep when he’s forced to anchor. A reluctant tie to society and its dregs, which Elias has happily helped wrap around his legs.

Something in his expression must have changed for Peter reaches out to him, a cold embrace at his back and an even colder kiss at his nape. He doesn’t turn to face him right away, enjoying the strange pleasantry. If he gets his way tonight, giving Peter this now is only fair.

“For a moment, I thought you were taking us back to the Moorland. Though, we are still a little ways off from an actual holiday aren’t we? You will take me there sometime, won’t you?” Elias asks, placing a hand over the one holding his side. They both know he isn’t talking about the house itself. Peter may not know it, but he remembers visiting Mordechai there—truly, it had more to do with that basement and what Peter felt about it than anything else.

“That eager to see? I keep telling you, if you accept my proposal—” He breathes, by his ear, amused until Elias twists around and cuts him off.

“And when exactly would we fit in this ‘wedding’? You’re hardly moored for long and I have an Institute to run. You always struck me as the type to remain engaged for as long as you could, so I would think this arrangement is far better than the alternative.”

Peter’s eyes darken, and it strikes Elias for the first time how deep those still waters really run.

“You… actually like the thought of it. You’d like to call me your husband,” He moves his hands up to cup the man’s cheeks, before delicately moving them down along Peter’s beard to play along his neck. His fingers trace down his pulse enjoying the rapid thoughts accompanying it.

“A connection of your own definition, but one none the less… Are you that worried I’ll leave you behind? Bit hypocritical don’t you think?” The smile he directs isn’t necessarily meant to be cold, but it is piercing in a way he knows is uncomfortable.

“Not really. I’m aware it wasn’t as common in your day, but anyone can get a divorce rather easily now. Marriage isn’t the contract you’re imagining it to be.”

“No, maybe not, but that’s all the more reason for me to wonder what it is you imagine it to be. You can ignore it all you want later, but right now you will look at me and tell me,” Elias starts, stilling his hand to hold at the back of Peter’s neck, keeping him in place to meet his eyes. He doesn’t have an Archivist’s compulsion, but he has intimidation and the invasive, burning reminder gripping tight into the pale man beside him that he cannot run right now.

“Peter Lukas, do you really want to marry me?”

For a man capable of having almost anything he could desire, arranging his life to be as self-indulgent as possible, it’s uncommon those desires ever actualize in the form of wanting another person. Someone so used to the world around him rejecting his existence that he’s learned to soak in it, and pretend he loves it, wearing it as a second skin. And maybe, to a degree he does actually love it. The utter and unabashed way you can love yourself when there isn’t a need to think about another soul in the world.

And that is why at the root of it someone like Elias is both perfect and terrible for him. Because he’s so afraid of being seen, it’s only natural the Eye would show interest. And Elias wishes to know him so intimately exactly because he hides. All the while, he can know with certainty that such a fascination is surface level, having very little to do with the fact it is Peter specifically he is showing interest towards.

It is why Peter spells all the justifications in the world for their relationship. It is why he can indulge in the easy nature of being seen, but not being cared for, until sometimes, it feels like he is wanted—like he wants and wants and will be denied. Abandoned once he’s been found because he knows Elias doesn’t hold on to anything for long.  Besides bones that is.

“Yes,” is all Peter will admit to, impossibly small, but it reaches Elias and warms him in a way that he knows is more than just affection. He rewards the admission, stroking his cheek before learning up to kiss him properly. It doesn’t even occur to him immediately the words were never actually spoken, but plucked from the captain’s head.

There will be many nights where this doesn’t mean anything, but for tonight, there is a vulnerability Elias doesn’t know when or if he’ll have the pleasure of seeing again. In truth, there isn’t really a way they could right now, and he had never imagined himself a married man. Defining what they have would be too much for both of them, but making it a comfortable illusion confined to a ring that he doesn’t have to think about if he doesn’t want to is a preferable solution.

The kiss is chaste, and this time, it is him breaking away and walking to the bedroom, removing his clothes with a practiced patience, expecting Peter to follow suit. Peter flips from fidgety to irritated, finally catching onto what was just discussed, and Elias soaks in the emotions radiating off him hidden in the rustle of clothing. Without a word, he retrieves some coils of rope and lubricant from the bedside drawer, and simply waits and watches.

Peter’s second guessing why he brought him here and Elias is patient—the captain will come to his own conclusions in the end. Either way, Elias knows he will play into the game set up tonight and he only smiles when Peter finally lies on the bed. After a beat, he resigns and raises his arms to the headboard.

Methodically, Elias twines the rope around those presented wrists, and prompts Peter to test the tightness.

“Comfortable?” He asks, looking down. It’s just the ropes he is referring to here, and the flicker of a scowl he receives is indicative that at least Peter has accepted how things will go.

“They’re fine,” He answers him, muted and tense. It pleases him to see him restricted like that, such an easygoing man who usually was so fond of startling others looking instead so impossibly small for someone of his stature.

“Excellent,” Elias murmurs, tone light and notably excited. He stays on top of him, and resumes the languid kisses he’d intended to give before their conversation began. While Peter had been annoyed minutes prior, he can feel the interest in his prick as it hardens, bumping into his backside. He bites the pale man’s lower lip, feeling all at once a rush of cold air exhaled with a moan.

Elias begins to trail those kisses south. Unlike his partner, he prefers to not only take his time, but leave a lasting imprint. There isn’t any doubt who he’s with when it comes to Peter, no, but the man is so obsessed with giving just enough to make a person want more. A lingering note of dissatisfaction, enough to draw in that hungry voracious need for contact he feeds on.

For Beholding though, it is about the experience. About learning and cataloguing all those little things, people don’t even know about themselves necessarily until they’re in the act. Especially the things they don’t know—don’t want to show.

It’s unavoidable like this for Elias not to look. Once the captain is drawn in, feeling really comfortable, he opens that eye and takes a gander at just what marriage means for a Lukas like him.

When he looks, he sees shadows of people. More like impressions or ghosts really, and yet, all come together to welcome a new member. The Moorland House from the outside is about the same as he remembers it. A foggy almost forgotten place that only served as a temple and a tomb.

He sees dances where there is no feeling, stilted haunting music, and tables so far apart from one another that you’d think the room was empty even with the party clearly going on around them. Even the couple in question, once their vows and first dance finished are far apart from each other. As if they were strangers on separate sides of a dance hall—which perhaps, they were.

And that was the problem though wasn’t it? Elias isn’t meant for the Lonely—isn’t willing to truly join that family. Peter knows this. He knew it from the beginning and knew what he was getting into when approaching Elias with even the semi-serious notion of a date, but he’s comfortable with it. With maintaining the distance they already have, only with the facsimile promise of belonging that he could and would never truly have.

Truly what a heartbreaking notion that is so very pitiful and suiting of the situation. Something finally that Elias understands.

As he comes away from that, it’s written across Peter’s face with trails of unwanted salty tears, and etched into his heart. All Elias is doing is plucking away at scabs, poking at a raw gaping sore he never had any intention of soothing.

“Oh Peter,” Elias says softly, no real sense of comfort in his voice. He’s enjoying how far he can stretch this, and it’s with a reluctant, rare mercy he withdraws from the other place he wanted to see in that house. If he tries to look anymore, well, there won’t be anything left—and that wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

DECEMBER 2005

They never do marry. Even when a legal approximation could be considered, there are too many things, and good reasons, that stop it from ever happening. Still, in the end, Elias goes far enough to accept an engagement ring and they make believe it is real, knowing it isn’t just him who often removes it. Honestly, he’s more surprised Peter didn’t take this as a proper sign to simply end the game, not that he’s seen him for longer than necessary the past couple years. Whether that’s his attempt to instill that loneliness he’s so craving or… something else, Elias is too busy to care.  

How do you love a man who has no ability to perceive it? Who, in fact, reflexively rejects every attempt at genuine affection?

Elias even hesitates to necessarily ascribe that much feeling to whatever it is their relationship has become. It has enough characteristics for the applicable term of lovers, but there is a history Jonah holds with that word, which has always had an underlying cruelty he can never seem to shake. The both of them do really.

He’s had lovers in the past. Strings of men who’d sing his praises until they saw the depths of him and either were in too deep to get away, or ran as far as they could. Peter was neither of these types of men. They were similar in such a way that it was both a relief and irritating. Men of their nature can attribute as many pretty words and intentions as they want to the way they treat each other, and he knows for as much as Peter can feel for him, what they share is mutual. Perhaps, it’d be better to say they tolerate each other.

Even if there are times that Elias wants to bridge that narrowing gap and see what else is lurking under the surface, he knows such a reality would never exist. And further that he cannot describe the feeling which draws him into wanting that as anything but the endless need to unravel that which does not want to be seen. An itch caused by mere fascination that could and would only end in painful tragedy. If he were a kinder man, maybe he could see himself comforting what he found behind that empty smile, but he knows himself too well. If he had his way, he would utterly destroy Peter and maybe regret it, but he knows he would still do so.

That is why he does not entirely begrudge the man his fleeing and disguises. The way he will run hot and cold and pretend so frequently that he could drift away at any moment, leaving Elias a forgotten memory. It’s his own way of dealing with it, and it’s fitting payback to only scratch at wounds Elias himself pretends don’t exist.

They don’t love each other so much as the idea of what it would be like to be with each other. A thing that in practice never quite turns out the way it’s played out in the imagination. A momentary lapse where it’s easy to pretend that affection is real, a relationship forged on understanding unperceivable to anyone else around them.

Someday, it’s going to destroy one of them—and Elias does not plan on it being him.  

MARCH 2006

“Yes, Peter? I do believe this is the first time that you’ve actually been early to an appointment,” Elias addresses the now sudden form of his partner in the chair across his desk. He doesn’t look up from the stacks of department expenses he’s trying to catalogue and update to a budget’s spreadsheet, also laid out on the desk.

“I’m here to cash in a favor.”

“Right, my unfortunate guess regarding Mr. Rayner last year,” he starts, waiting on the captain to prod the conversation along.  

“I’m not asking for much, just to give a little back you could say for a project of mine. Requires some specific construction, placing and people in mind, which that eye of yours would be just great for,” Peter explains, laughing at his own joke.

“Your project, yet my work, I see. I wasn’t aware you were looking for a secretary,” He muses, reading over the budget expenses from the research department as he listens. He had hoped to have this aspect of his day squared away before dealing with whatever it was his ‘husband’ wanted to talk about.

“Real estate agents and contractors are so annoying. You love talking to people though, so you’ll probably have a blast. And it’s not like I won’t be there—I have it all planned out, I just need to find the right people to do it. So all I’m asking is for you to do a little research, which is something this place does, is it not?”

“And will I be privy to this project, or will that be a secret for me to figure out?”

“Haven’t got a name for it yet, so no. It’ll be fun—certainly more so than the little experiment Fairchild’s gotten my family sucked into,” He sounds bored, maybe even a bit bitter at that.

“Oh? Right, I heard about that. Do wish I could see how well that will work, but with Mr. Rayner involved, it’s doubtful. Although, if they make it out, maybe I’ll see about them giving a statement.”

Peter shoots him a withering look over his priorities, but Elias ignores it. Luckily, the whole thing has nothing to do with him.

“It just seems like a waste overall.”

“Sometimes it’s about the quality, not the quantity.”

“Say that when you can fund your own Institute,” Peter quips back. There’s no arguing with that necessarily, but it is funny enough that Elias gives him a bemused smile not deeming it with a response.

“Well, I’ll let you know how thoroughly afraid whoever gets stuck up there is and we’ll decide on it later. Now, is there any sort of time table for this other juncture of yours?”

Peter hums, deciding finally to give Elias just a few more pieces to work with.

“Soon as possible, I’ll send over what I have in mind. I’m sure you’ve already heard the rumors, but a supposed extinction might be coming, so the sooner the better. While I’m at it, I’m also including that you won’t interfere when things kick off, but that’s to be assumed, of course.”

For all the rituals attempted over the years that Elias has witnessed, none of them—including his own first attempt—completely worked, so he really doesn’t have any intention of trying to ruin things. However, he also has been paying a little attention to what his current Archivist has been up to and knows that there’s always the chance she will do something. In that regard, perhaps it would be kind of him to give Peter a warning, but he doesn’t control and can’t consistently predict the things Gertrude Robinson deems necessary to handle. She appears to have her hands quite full with stopping other rituals, so for all he knows it will slip under the radar.

“Well, if it comes, it comes. You know I’d much rather watch and see what happens than make any effort to stop either you or any new power emerging. I’m simply curious as to whether it’ll be enough to do anything.”

“Right. Of course, you would say that.” Peter says, and it should bother him that he can’t quite tell what he means by it. Though, from the stare Elias is receiving that feeling is mutual. He has his own pieces being moved along right now and the coming of another power matters very little in regards to what he’s attempting to do. He, unfortunately, also just hasn’t found the right person for it, yet.

SEPTEMBER 2007

Time and technology has diluted it, but there is nothing quite like starlight on an open deck far, far away from any overpopulated, glaringly bright city. Such a sight almost makes Peter understand what it is that Simon sees, but it isn’t the Vast, which is capturing him right now.

It has been a rather bad year for Peter Lukas.

While he hadn’t done much more than provide resources and keep an ear out, the Daedalus experiment had eaten up a chunk of time and money that he couldn’t even feel arrogant about. His bet with Elias on that may have been won, but the man had seemed oh so indifferent to his other little project being ruined. They’ve spoken before about Gertrude and the type of woman she is—still the thought of having all his work tossed away over a newspaper article is infuriating and humiliating.

The waves of the Atlantic can never disappoint him, and for Peter that is a relief beyond measure right now.

There was no need to ask Elias if he knew. If Gertrude was set on it, she would have done it just based on the rumors being passed around, and of the indistinct and few impressions he’d garnered, even he likely couldn’t have done anything. No, what Peter really didn’t want to see was the absence of interest—a blank gaze, perhaps with a hint of that smile he always held, which further spelled dubiousness. He isn’t even sure why it feels vaguely like a betrayal on Elias’s part when technically he hadn’t done anything. When did that start to bother him though? It should be a comfort, a reminder.

Peter watches the waves idly lap at the side of the Tundra and wonders what changed. Moonlight faintly glints off the ring on his finger, and he imagines throwing it into the ocean.

Alone, he can gaze at the stars and the moon and feel at peace knowing there is no one else to share this sight with. No one else he would want to share this sight with. He sailed over eight thousand kilometers away from the one person who he might have considered wanting to share it with, and he’s not entirely sure just when it will be that he returns.

JULY 2011

Vardø, Norway

Peter stares at the phone buzzing on the hotel’s nightstand, wondering once again what possessed him into getting one, let alone keeping it on his person. Convenience in this era often requires time specific urgency, he supposes, but it still didn’t have to be something he liked, let alone abided. As such, when he sees the caller ID as none other than Elias Bouchard, he has half a mind to ignore it. It wouldn’t be the first time, and whatever it was he wanted to talk about could easily be contained to a voice mail.

So he lets it ring. He turns another page in his book, but instead of the notification of a waiting voicemail, the phone lights up once more. Elias is still calling and that is new.

With a sigh, he picks up. Unsurprisingly, the man doesn’t start with any pleasantries. He must know that since Peter has actually decided to answer, he doesn’t have long.

“You’ll still be in Vardø for a few more days correct? I need a favor.”

“Maybe. Depends on exactly what you’re asking for?” Peter complains, shuffling the phone to better squeeze between his ear and shoulder. If he can tune his sometimes husband out well enough, maybe he can still focus on his book. He’d long stopped bothering to chide the other man for keeping an eye on where he is, so he wasn’t planning to even ask how he knew.

“I need you to pick up Ms. Robinson and one of her assistants in Dikson. They need a lift to Zemlya Sannikova, and I figured you would be in the area and have a working vessel.”

He barks a laugh because while he understands, the request is ridiculous.

“Oh you are something else, Elias. Exactly why should I do this favor for you, let alone her? You’ve already racked up quite a debt with me already.”

“Because dearest, you might also want to ensure that the Distortion doesn’t get its way. Of course, if you’d like to exist in that kind of world, who am I to stop you? I’m sure knowing her, there’s another plan up her sleeve, but I figured why pay the extra expenses for a ship when I have you.”

He frowns reflexively at that wording. It isn’t necessarily that he doesn’t like the notion—the implicit possession they both hold of each other and the ease with which that label doesn’t have to mean anything. Peter himself was a firm believer of absence making the heart grow fonder and steadfastly pushes that to its brink, finding the delightful way Elias tries to pretend like he didn’t miss him at all when they next meet. He also ignores the fact that sometimes it was actually true.  

“Hm, so you won’t be paying for the fuel needed to get there and back? What payment should I expect then?” Peter’s voice dips at that, finally finding some ground in this conversation that feels comfortable.

There’s a shift of clothing barely audible on the other side of the phone. A pause and he can almost see the calculating and playful smile on Elias’s face.

“Hurry back and you’ll find out.”

The phone call ends before he can answer, and it’s a strange, vaguely defeated sensation caving into his chest at the prospect of returning. Of seeing whether Elias felt anything by his absence and if that will sustain him or preparing for Elias to try and take something else from him.

Doing what he does best, Peter simply shuts the phone off entirely and returns to his novel.

Dikson, Russia – Arctic Sea

A few days later, he finds himself docking at the port town Dikson. Gertrude is waiting with someone who must be the assistant Elias mentioned, flitting and looming around her as if he can keep the blustering winds from reaching her. What really gets Peter about the sight is that he is the one who looks like he could be flattened at any moment, wild blonde hair lashing about almost as bad as his fretting. He doesn’t make an effort to greet either of them though, and merely goes as far as indicating the Tundra is here and ready. He leaves the settling of their new cargo to his crew and returns to his cabin.

Gertrude surely knew where they were heading as that had been another aspect to the fun chat he’d had with Elias, which hadn’t come up. Zemlya Sannikova doesn’t actually exist.

It isn’t until they’re further out to sea, still at least another day away from nearing their supposed destination, does he take to checking in. Night has fallen and everyone is either where they’re supposed to be or trying to fade into the background as best they can. Neither of these things concern Peter as he walks the deck of his ship. The ends of his navy scarf are trying to whip away from him and absentmindedly, he considers replacing it soon. Another gift from Elias that he didn’t actually dislike, but it was getting old.

The cold of the Arctic is familiar, albeit bordering the edge of just too much. Certainly, too much for anyone else on board, which makes it regretful he can’t stay there himself. He doesn’t remain above deck as long as he might if they were anywhere else, and instead hides himself back below.

Despite all the maps stored in Peter’s cabin, sure enough when they reach the spot Gertrude directed them to, there is an impossible island in front of them. He idly watches the pair bundle up twice as much, her assistant fails in trying to take the backpack’s weight for Gertrude and Gertrude… she simply looks at him with those eyes again. They’re worse than Elias’s stare, he decides.

“We won’t be long,” she assures, voice hard. And soon enough, he can’t see either of them anymore.

The perverse urge to abandon her here hits him, but he had already agreed to the favor and heads back to his cabin to wait out however long her business will last. One or two of his crew express interest in looking for themselves and he has to send them off to do something else, wondering if he misread them that badly. No one aboard should care about what’s happening on that island that cannot and yet does exist.

He waits in his cabin and scratches down on one of the maps about where they must be. It isn’t really with any intention of returning—he has no interest in the Spiral.

Eventually, Peter directs his gaze to the necklace he’d received almost a decade ago, hanging on his cabin's wall and left uncovered for their little trip. He assumes Elias would want to watch—be there in his own way. Yet, as he always knows, the captain remains alone. He is intimately aware of how Elias's eyes feel when weighing upon him, and as such hates that he is relieved and disappointed when it is missing.

London, United Kingdom

Elias is distracted. He had every intention of watching while going through the motions of interviewing new employees, but he is floored by the young man taking the seat across his desk. It is not so much that he finds himself incapable of multitasking like he usually would, but oddly that he doesn’t want to.

A gift dropped right in his office is very hard to ignore. And he is a gentleman first and foremost, knowing that the Mother takes priority over his passing fancy and wayward Archivist. Someone already marked by the Web and yet still just as painfully curious despite the event. He observes it all and hopes this one works out. That he has finally found his Archivist.

“I think you’ll fit in quite well here at the Institute, Jon.”

By the time he looks back to the Tundra, it’s over. Gertrude has returned to the ship leaving another assistant to an unfortunate end, and Peter is engrossed in a book, looking utterly indifferent even with the eyes he must feel directed on him now.

Reluctant as the captain was initially, the favor is done. And after Gertrude is dropped off back in England, their meeting is brief. He doesn’t join him this time or take Elias up on what he’d had in mind, however vulgar he had implied it over the phone. Truly, Peter doesn’t really want to be there at all. There’s a hollow smile in the way he says perhaps next time, and leaves again. The lingering chill eats away at him more than he expects, but at the same time, it feels different.

He wonders if his husband will ask why he wasn’t watching earlier, or if he even noticed. He wonders with all that heavy, cold nothingness expanding ever so slowly between them, if Peter has taken his ring off.

He wonders why he doesn’t check. END NOTE: entirely want to give inspiration credit to the imagery of the wedding scene and the moorland house in particular to a Very lovely fic a glass essay which made me realize how much i actually like peter? if you are reading this and have not read it i Highly recommend it, the characterization and atmosphere are absolutely incredible.

[fedonciadale]

In the new ep 5 photos the poor Northern soldiers still look injured and tired. What is wrong with Jon this season?! Has he lost all his senses? Does he no longer care about his own people? I don't know if he has a strategy with the the queen of Dracarys but if he does it's not working and he's screwing over his people. Also I the leaks are true and D reigns fire and blood, and unsullied kill innocents and the Dothraki rape, how can Jon come back from fighting on the same side as that army?

Dear nonny,

I have quite a lot of rants about Jon in my in box…. and I just add them and give my opinion at the end.

Last time Jon left WF to he told Ghost to look after Sansa for him. What changed this time? That he would just give Ghost away without thinking of Sansa’s safety. I honestly think either the writers decided they are not going to go ahead with Jonsa or Jon’s relationship with Sansa really did change, I feel like from they way he has previously spoken to Sansa, that to some degree he does believe D@nys words about Sansa being manipulative and that she can’t be trusted. Ha Sansa deserves better. 

And another one:

(1) I find it off that Gilly got more love from Jon than either Sansa or Arya did in the entire season. WTF is wrong with him. They completely butchered his character for the sake of being Dracula’s doormat and the ‘epic’ twist. It’s not worth it though and I’m not sure if they can patch up the Stark family relationship after this. At this rate, if this is how he treats his family just pls F off to wall Jon pls just go. I just hope they realize their affections are wasted on him and move on. Even            

(2) Robot Bran somehow deserves love and protection the stark sisters give him more than Jon. At least his emotional constipation is not in his control, at least even he seems to understand the concept of family. See I don’t think this end with Jon on his knees asking for forgiveness, and if he’s not on his knees asking for forgiveness than I’m not sure I can get with the stark sisters esp Sansa forgiving him. But hey I’m pretty sure in the end it will be Sansa asking for forgiveness and Jon telling 

(3) Her I I told you we need to trust each other. Lol oh the hypocrisy and bitter irony of it. I’m also pretty sure Sansa will be practical begging Jon to stay at Winterfell and maybe even resort to underhanded political marriage to make him stay with her. I hope they stop at some point and don’t butcher Sansa’s character as well as Jon’s bt I don’t have much faith.        

 So, dear nonnies,

I must admit that I do have much faith either. I still think we will get the Dance of Dragons 2.0. and Jon choosing his Stark family, but I honestly don’t know how they will make it believable for the GA. It won’t be like season 3, where you could watch and then rewatch and appreciate the build-up for the Red Wedding and see exactly where the plan was hatched. People will rewatch and still not understand where Jon choosing his STark family came from - or they will only understand if they watch season 1 to 6, because watching season 8 will not help them.

I do think that Jon is in a very bad place right now and possibly in such a bad place that he does not know a) how to free himself or b) how to ask for help (unless he was asking for help from his cousins last episode after the camera cut off). He has resigned himself to the fact that he’ll have to spend the rest of his life in the South and trying to placate Dany. He thinks he doesn’t belong anywhere. He sends Ghost away to be free (I honestly think it is more that than another snub to Sansa), but at the same time he rejects Rhaegal - which is a small blessing. Honestly his scene with Tormund and Gilly and Sam as one of the few scenes where we get his PoV really had me at the edge of tears, not only because Jon is so visibly depressed, but also because it made me realise how good Stark scenes could have been. And they could have done tiny scenes without giving the plot away: Jon and Sansa talking about food and other issues of ruling Winterfell, Jon telling Sansa that she needs to be careful, Arya and Sansa telling each other how much they loathe Dany (that would give nothing away). All the Starks looking after Bran...

When the camera cut away from Sansa’s and Arya’s reaction to RLJ I screamed at the TV, because I was so frustrated.

And yes, I do think that we won’t get any closure for all the miscommunications. The best we can hope for is some sort of Sansa and Arya on the battlements convo, where we don’t get to learn when exactly they decided to work together. I was happy for my Stark sisters to finally be on the same boat (as they are now, I am sure), but the Winterhell plot still bugs me.

I must admit that something like that would still be better than Jon telling Sansa: “I told you to trust me.” That would be incredibly bad (but I don’t put anything beyond D&D now). They don’t have any female writers on the show now and it really, really shows: the dick jokes, the Sansa/Hound dialogue, Sansa not knowing how to wield a knife....If Jon really does say that, I want Sansa to tell him that it would have helped if he had dropped a hint or two.

Anyway, we saw Sansa’s feeling and I still have a slither of hope that we’ll see Jon’s feeling when he finally decides for the Starks. I just have no hope it will be done well. And I am sorry for the actors as well. Kit really does a good job of conveying how depressed, detached and desperate Jon is, and Sophie shows her feelings with just a look or two and Maisie and Sophie communicate with just a glance, and to let all this talent go wasted is a huge crime.

So, to sum up: I haven’t given up on Jon yet (mostly because of my faith in GRRM and bookJon), but I don’t have any hope of getting a satisfying closure, because even if the next episodes do solve all the problem the build-up was just not there....

Thanks for all the asks!         

[chaos-of-the-abyss]

Manwë and Melkor Headcanons Part 1

Ah, these two have always had a special place in my Tolkien-loving heart. Typically we associate the concept "two halves of a whole" with romantic partners, but I think it's the perfect statement for Manwë and Melkor in this case. I don't ship these two (Manwë x Varda is probably my Silmarillion OTP), but their relationship, in my opinion, is beautifully tragic and I had to get these Manwë & Melkor emotions out. 

So here we go.

Note: I apologize that there is quite a lot of Varda here as well (though this will not be a Melkor x Varda post by any means). Even if Melkor's feelings towards her weren't romantic/sexual, I still think her presence had some part in driving the wedge between these two (though that was the last thing she would have wanted imo).

Double Note (or something): I ended up splitting this into two parts because it turned out way longer than I intended. I just took off with these two XD The headcanons went from a few sentences to full-blown paragraphs. Tbh I think I went a little overboard; you might actually get some Manwë/Melkor vibes from this one. I’m currently not sure when the second part will be out. It probably won’t be as long this one, though.

Headcanons

1. Manwë and Melkor came into existence at the very same moment in time, the first two of the Ainur created by Eru. When they were snapped (blinked? activated? idk) into existence, the first thing they were aware of was each other. Then they both realized the presence of Eru, and loved Him as their father.

2. For a while, Manwë and Melkor only spent time with each other and of course, Eru. It wasn’t like they were avoiding any other interaction; they were simply the only two beings around. 

3. The way I imagine these two, they didn't have older brother-younger brother. They were simply brothers (or twins, if you will). 

4. Manwë was the better singer of the two, but Melkor didn’t mind. He was proud of Manwë's talent. Melkor had more of a passion to learn about and experiment with his own powers, though, while Manwë was content to take it slow. 

5. They both enjoyed hearing each other sing and would sometimes sing together, in duets or separately, comparing notes (figuratively speaking), critiquing, and complimenting each other's ability.

6. Manwë and Melkor were prone to witty banter. They liked their playful verbal sparring and no feelings were hurt. At the end of their mock-arguing, they'd laugh together. Melkor was also keen to mock-insult his brother, but he was also very protective of Manwë. From the beginning Melkor felt that Manwë was always more idealistic than he was; he was a bit jaded from the start and wanted to protect what he perceived as naivety in his brother.

7. They rarely got into serious disagreements. If they did it would more often than not be Melkor's fault (either by insensitivity, stubbornness, or pride). During these times they'd separate and laze about by themselves, but it never lasted very long. They'd always apologize (Manwë first, mostly) and reconcile. 

8. Melkor showed a few signs of being rebellious towards Eru in the beginning - just innocent comments that he didn't think much of. To him, what he said sounded like a good idea. He didn't mean any malice towards Eru - whom he loved as his father - he was just speaking his mind, but that mind would wander into some questionable places. Manwë wasn't alarmed. He would chastise his brother a little if Melkor went too far, but Manwë thought Melkor was just thinking out loud, so to speak. His faith in his brother was too strong for him to even imagine that Melkor would really rebel. They were brothers, right? Two halves of a whole, right? And they both loved their Father. 

9. Both Manwë and Melkor remember these early days as the simplest time of their existence. There was no one but themselves, and both of them think back to these times a lot. Melkor knows those days will never return; the path he chose prevented that from being a possibility. Manwë knows those days will never return, too; he is King of Arda now and responsible for stopping Morgoth. 

10. The first Ainur who the two brothers met that wasn't each other was Varda. The brothers were drifting through the Timeless Halls when they came across Varda, who was experimenting with the creation of the stars (she hadn't created them yet, but she was testing her powers). 

11. Both Manwë and Melkor were fascinated. They'd never met the other gender; before Varda, they only knew each other and Eru. It also intrigued them that in Varda's face, the light of Eru shone, a trait unique to her. Before long, the three of them hit it off. 

12. Manwë and Melkor agreed that Varda has the best singing voice among the Ainur. They were a harmonious trio for the longest time. When Manwë and Melkor argued and had their silent treatment stage with each other, Varda would talk to each of them individually and get their point of view. Then she'd explain to the other what his brother thought of the situation. Thanks to her peacemaking abilities, they would reconcile faster. Despite how close the triad got, Varda left Manwë and Melkor alone at times; especially when she had talked to both of them after they argued. She leaves it up to them to actually reconcile. In her opinion, they should still be the ones to ultimately see the issue eye-to-eye, since they're brothers.

13. Varda and Manwë's dynamics vs. Varda and Melkor's dynamics? Let us see. Varda and Manwë's initial relationship was that of harmonious best friends. They poked fun at each other, explored their powers together, sang together (I have so many songs in my head that I can imagine these two doing a duet with, btw), and they encouraged each other when the other was feeling down. They got on very well. Varda and Melkor were more like siblings who didn't get along but still cared very much. Varda would mildly scold Melkor for his pride or his insensitivity, and Melkor would complain that it wasn't her business. At the end of the day though, they appreciated each other very much. Whenever Varda helped Melkor and Manwë reconcile, Melkor would always be genuinely grateful, and Varda would be happy to help, not just for Manwë's sake, but for Melkor's as well. 

14. Melkor didn't show it and didn't even realize it at first, but he's possessive of his brother. Since the two of them were together since the very beginning, the thought of being the second closest to Manwë rubbed him the wrong way, especially as they started meeting other Ainur. Melkor tried to ignore his misgivings, but he sometimes let them subtly slip. Though not all the time, Manwë would notice and reassure Melkor that whoever he becomes friends with in the future, Melkor is his one and only brother and he can never be second best.

15. Melkor was fairly content with Manwë's assurances - until Manwë and Varda fell in love and were married. Suddenly, when the three of them were together, Melkor would remember that Manwë and Varda are now in a place that he can't be. They're in love, for Eru's sake, and (romantic) love is such a powerful and all-encompassing emotion; how could he possibly hope to maintain his place in Manwë's heart? In Melkor's mind, he had been bumped down to second best. At first, he denied his emotions and even felt guilty for thinking such things, for Manwë and for Varda. They were both so important to him, and he told himself that he ought to be happy for them; that he was happy for them.

15.5. Melkor was still filled with awe and happiness during Manwë and Varda's wedding, however. To this day he considers it one of the most beautiful sights he's ever seen. I’ve adopted @nyarnamaitar ‘s headcanon that weddings among the Ainur are something like two beings of light interweaving their fëas, and this sight put Melkor at awe. After the event, Melkor gave them both a hearty congratulations, ignoring his negative feelings (and becoming furious at himself in private). 

16. When Melkor hid/ignored his insecurity, Manwë didn't notice. In Manwë's mind, romantic and platonic love were completely different things and he could balance his platonic love for his brother with his romantic love for Varda. He saw no need to choose between them; in fact, Manwë never really even considered it a "choice" that could - or should - be made. They were both so dear to him. To Manwë, that was more than enough.

17. Eventually, though, Manwë and Melkor drifted apart. Melkor was the first one to start building the distance; he unwittingly put up a wall between himself and his brother (and Varda), partially because he didn't want to see how much Varda and Manwë loved each other, and how, in his eyes, Manwë forgot all about him when he was with Varda, partially because he felt ridiculous and ashamed of his building resentment and didn't want Manwë and Varda noticing. When Manwë and/or Varda tried to approach him about it he brushed them off. By the time Melkor realized what he was doing, the gap between the brothers had grown, and neither brother had the courage to try to make amends anymore. Manwë was more willing, but with continuous rejections from Melkor his hope for reconciliation decreased. He thought that maybe Melkor just needed space. Then he thought that maybe Melkor was alright by himself, that his brother preferred being alone; that Melkor was purposely cutting him off. Varda tried to intervene, but for once, her diplomatic skills failed to bridge the gap between the two brothers. Melkor didn't want to try - he was still afraid of seeing Manwë "forgetting about him" (I use quotations, of course, because this was all in Melkor's head, (Manwë hadn’t forgotten him in the slightest), and afraid of Manwë seeing his increasing bitterness. Of course, his reticence didn't help Manwë, either.

18. It was at this point that Varda began to truly see the dark potential in Melkor. She would sometimes see him hovering about by himself, seemingly deep in thought. Something about that brooding look made her wary of him. It made her feel guilty, because it wasn't anything he said or did...Varda simply could not ignore the unease that gnawed at her. (If you can't tell, I have never liked the perception that Varda acted like a bitch to Melkor.)

19. Without Manwë, Melkor had nothing much to do. He wasn't particularly close with any of the other Ainur, although he spoke to Mairon, Aulë's apprentice, sometimes, and enjoyed it. Still, Mairon was no Manwë, and Melkor began to turn to his thoughts for company. Consequently, those rebellious notions that Manwë, and later Varda as well, had been keeping at bay, began to spring back full force (this was what Varda noticed and began to become wary of). Still, Melkor had no evil intentions. He was just thinking, reveling in his thinking, and imagining what could be. He still loved Eru, his Father, he still loved Manwë, his brother, and he still cared about Varda, who was like a sister to him, despite any resentment he had towards her.

20. The thought that he might be able to create appealed to Melkor, especially because he was really quite lonely during this time. He thought he could create something - someone - that would never leave him and would always treasure him first above all things. It was during this time that he began to grow resentful towards Manwë as well. Why, he wondered, was his brother leaving him? The way Melkor began to see it, Manwë wasn't trying to reconnect, so perhaps his brother didn't need him after all. Perhaps he was content to let Melkor fade by himself. At first, Melkor was horrified at himself for thinking such things, but he began to believe it as time passed and their estrangement was growing increasingly longer. Eventually, partially to spite Manwë (though it was unconscious and Melkor didn't recognize this desire within himself at the time) and partially from the desire to create, Melkor began searching for the Flame Imperishable.

21. As he searched with no success for the Flame Imperishable, Melkor began to wonder something else: why was it only Eru that could create life and realities? Why not he, Melkor, as well? What was Eru's motivation for keeping the power of creation to himself? Melkor grew suspicious, and his suspicions were only given more opportunity to take root because of his solitary existence. They were also inflamed by his constant failure to find what he was searching for. Despite his anger, his lack of success only heightened his determination to find the Flame, leading him to become extremely withdrawn from the other Ainur.

22. Seeing his brother relentlessly working for something made up Manwë's mind on the issue (with much sadness, I might add); he decided that he was right, Melkor didn't need him anymore and felt better on his own. To avoid showing his sorrow at this prospect, Manwë began to ignore his bond with his brother, thinking that he might accidentally interfere with Melkor's work if he let him know how dejected he was that Melkor "didn't need him anymore". Feeling Manwë deliberately shying away from their connection, Melkor's mind was made up as well: Manwë had left him. This "realization" caused Melkor's restrained resentment towards his brother to burst, which in turn led him to throw himself deeper into being able to create something of his own that would never leave him "as Manwë had". At this point, Melkor was also full of bitterness and jealousy towards Varda as well; in his mind, she had been able to give Manwë something that he couldn't, and that infuriated him. 

23. Melkor was hellbent on claiming the Flame Imperishable and creating something of his own, and during his time relentlessly searching for it, his pride increased as well as he imagined what he could make. It was these thoughts that caused Discord in the Great Music, and Eru rebuked Melkor in front of all of the Ainur. Manwë was watching as well, and while he felt sympathetic towards his brother for getting scolded, he had no idea the cause of Melkor's Discord. He didn't think much of it, either; Melkor was always a little rebellious in his thinking, and Manwë thought his brother was just projecting those thoughts too much into the music. He did feel at the time that Melkor had gone too far and thought Eru was right to scold him, but he certainly never imagined what was really going through Melkor’s head. Manwë also still believed that Melkor wished to be alone; therefore, he barely approached him. The last thing Manwë wanted was to let Melkor know how much he missed their close relationship. After all, he thought Melkor was happier alone, and if his brother was happy, Manwë didn't want to be the one to ruin that. He did attempt to give Melkor a little greeting, but Melkor brushed him off coolly. His belief that Melkor preferred being alone reinforced, Manwë sorrowfully left him alone and rejoined Varda. Unbeknownst to him, Melkor had watched him returning to his wife.

24. Varda, on the other hand, instantly recognized that something within Melkor had changed for the worse. She saw pride, bitterness, and loneliness inside Melkor, which fueled his increasingly rebellious actions and mindset, but she still cared about Melkor, not wanting to believe he could really become so terrible, and was also concerned as to what an effect on Manwë her worries would have. Therefore, she didn't say anything yet, but Varda could never see Melkor the same again. If she was cautious of him before, she was full-on suspicious now. 

25. Melkor, meanwhile, was conflicted. Part of him wished he could still reconcile with Manwë and was furious at himself for deflecting a potential conversation, but seeing his brother returning to Varda's side without even trying to lengthen their interaction angered him all over again. Manwë was not even trying to go back to how they once were, and Eru - he "realized" in that moment that Eru had let Manwë slip away from him and was now rebuking and preventing him from doing what he wanted: create and have someone to be by his side. 

26. It didn't help Melkor's resentment towards Manwë when his brother stopped him from claiming the Field of Arda as his own. Manwë, meanwhile, had no ill intentions whatsoever. He had always spoken his mind to his brother when they were younger, and thought this would be no different. In Manwë's eyes, he was only explaining his point of view and why he believed the other Valar deserved their share as well. In Melkor's eyes, however, Manwë's words were yet another sign that his brother didn't need him anymore, didn't care to rekindle their bond anymore, if he ever had. His bitterness was fed when the Valar who descended to Arda declared Manwë as their lord. It seemed to him that no one was taking his side: not the other Valar, not Eru, his Father, and not even Manwë, his own brother. He was hurt and humiliated.

27. However, Manwë wasn't blind or stupid. He began to suspect the change in Melkor after his brother so eagerly claimed the Field of Arda for himself, with absolutely no consideration for the hard work of the other Valar. His brother had become more insensitive, more inconsiderate, and much more prideful. But more than that, Manwë saw the anger in Melkor's eyes when he  disagreed with him, and it was so potent and full of rancor that it startled Manwë. He began to realize that his brother might have changed far more than he had realized. 

28. Melkor decided that if Manwë was going to hurt him, he would hurt Manwë right back. It was this point that he began to truly go against the other Valar and Eru; anything they created, he would do his best to warp and tear down. It brought him sick satisfaction; if he couldn't create, if he couldn't have something of his own making that never leave him, something that he could call his own, he would try his hardest to prevent the other Valar from obtaining such things as well. 

29. When Melkor went fully into rebellion, Manwë was...stunned. He was with Varda in their court in Taniquetil and hearing about Melkor's first destruction of the Valar's works, Manwë just sank down onto the ground, his legs no longer supporting him. He suspected, Eru help him, he'd suspected and then hated himself for it, but to hear that his brother had truly...he couldn’t believe it was true. The reality would not sink in. He felt only the white emptiness of shock. Then the bleakness of despair sank in. His brother was now an enemy.

30. At first, Manwë was utterly inconsolable. He wouldn't speak to anyone - Varda included. When she walked by his chambers or stopped to check on him she could only either hear silence or the sound of soft sobs. 

31. Manwë blamed himself. During his period of withdrawal from the world, he would think back to the old days with Melkor, when it was only the two of them and they'd been sure, so very sure, that nothing in the cosmos could ever tear them apart. He thought of their singing to each other, their verbal play-fights, their reconciliations after arguments. He thought of the moment that Melkor had started to drift away and cursed himself over and over for not mending their relationship when he had the chance. Why didn't I stop him? he wondered. Why couldn't I see how torn my own brother was? In Manwë’s eyes, he failed Melkor. He was a terrible excuse for a brother. 

32. Melkor's feelings were mixed. On one hand, he felt twisted gratification that he'd hurt Manwë the same way Manwë hurt him. You left me first, brother, and now I've returned the favor. How does that make you feel? At the same time, Melkor cried. He cried because he had betrayed his brother, the only being that he had known every moment and millisecond of his existence. He cried because he knew he'd hurt Manwë, and some part of him felt so terrible for it. He cried because he had abandoned his brother, and who would protect Manwë now, his noble, magnanimous brother? He cried because in revealing his enmity towards the Valar, he had destroyed all chance of returning to their simple, peaceful days. Forever. 

Whew! And that is Part 1 finished. This went from making general headcanon speculations to full-on inserting excerpts from a nonexistent Manwë and Melkor story. 

I admit, this set of headcanons sounds pretty damn borderline Manwë/Melkor. I don’t actually ship them because, as I said, my Silmarillion OTP is Manwë/Varda. Still, I think Manwë and Melkor have such a tragic past between them, that they both loved each other very, very deeply and without reservation. I will definitely say that I made their story seem a little needlessly angsty here, but hey -

- you do you, I do me. 

Thanks for reading my long and shitty take on Manwë and Melkor.

Bold of me to assume that anyone read it at all though

[meremennen]

This is going to be a thematical series.

1: Work In Progress Works

Okay, hear me out. Work in progress works are so underappreciated. 

And even though I’m not sure if all of these works will be continued, some probably not, but I love them for a reason and they deserve a shout out. They are all honestly so great for various reasons (for plot, for characterisation, for the idea itself, for writing style or for editing, etc.) and I don’t regret any minute of reading them. 

The list, sorted by current ratings:

aphelion (modern/ G /space pirates, loosely based on Firefly, multiple POV)

Arrangement of a Lifetime * (modern/ G/ fake/pretend relationship)

Heaven Can’t Wait (canon/ G/ kidfic, fluff and angst)

Hello, Princess  (modern/ G/ college/university, slow burn, Maths nerds, humor)

I Know I Don't Deserve It, But Stay With Me A Minute (modern/ M/ 10 Things I Hate About You AU (loosely)

Let’s Go to the Mall! * (modern/ G/ denial of feelings, high school)

mind if i check you out? * (modern/ G/ bellarke library au, rivalry)

The Rest Was History * (modern/ G/ fake dating)

The Will ‘o the Wisps (modern/ G/ fantasy, faes)

This is where you fall, this is when you get up * (modern/ G/ cowboy!Bellamy)

Baby Mine (modern/ M/ Jane the Virgin AU)

Now and Then * (modern/ M/ best friends to lovers, past and present)

The Art of Disappearing * (modern/ M/ fake marriage)

Up In Flames * (canon/ M/ post season 1 AU)

Win a Date with Bellamy Blake (modern/ M/ slow burn, fake dating)

All Is Love (modern/ E/ kid fic, unplanned pregnancy)

Bite Me (canon/ E/ season 1, affectionate insults)

Friends With Benefits (modern/ E/ college/university, friends to lovers, humor)

The Prisoner and The Cure * (modern/ E for gore/zombies)

Weave Me A Myrtle Crown * (modern/ E / firefighter!bellamy, paramedic!clarke)

Happy reading!

I don’t know everyone’s tumblr, or if they have any, so if anyone is actually reading this and you wanna tag them, please do so.

Ratings are indicative and might change.

* – probably won’t be updated, but we can always hope

***************************************************************************

All Is Love (E) by @bisexualbellamyblake (AO3: lightyears )

135k+

Summary: It all begins because Raven declares that she's on a sex ban for three months. Clarke reminds her of this when her life is turned upside down. Raven reminds Clarke later, when everything finds its place again. / Or, Clarke finds out she's pregnant six weeks after Bellamy leaves. 

*** S l o w burn. And that moment when they reunite, or when Bellamy finds out about Clarke’s little secret tortured me in ways that hurt a lot. But hey, still breathing ;-) ***

aphelion (G) by @kindclaws  (AO3: kindclaws )

45k+

Summary: It's been two years since the spaceship Aphelion mysteriously disappeared, its crew branded by the ARK as traitors to be shot on sight. Jake Griffin was on that ship, and with him, a dangerous secret that could change civilized space forever./ Now, Clarke wants some answers - and revenge, if she can get it. Bellamy wants a bigger ship - specifically, Clarke's. Wells wants to fix the system his father broke. Octavia wants a little fun. Miller wants everyone to stop making poor life choices. Harper wants to kiss the new girl. And Raven? Well, Raven just wants to blow shit up./ The universe won't know what's hit it. (Space pirates AU!)

*** what I love the most about this fic is the multiple POV! It is so rare to have these kinds of stories, and honestly, it gives such a unique feel to it. I am so, sooo grateful for this fic. ***

Arrangement of a Lifetime * (M) @ FFnet: moomolie1709

55k+

Summary: He needed her to pose as his girlfriend, and she needed him to make her unfaithful ex jealous. But what began as a simple transaction between two business partners soon becomes more complicated than either of them could have ever anticipated.

*** without giving too much away, there is a really cute bedsharing scene and another scene with Clarke in a dress that I loved a lot. Sadly, it also ends after a huge cliffhanger, and I really doubt this will ever be finished, but it deserves to be on this list. And like with every other WIP, You NeVER kNOw. Your comment might just be the one that makes the lovely writer to finish it.*** 

Baby Mine (M) @ AO3: stumblesun

80k+

Summary: A routine doctor's appointment, a mix-up and an artificial insemination...what could go wrong?

*** I haven’t watched Jane the Virgin, but you don’t have to. S l o w burn ***

Bite Me (E) by @notnicorette (AO3: notnicorette)

10k+

Summary: 'Bite me' is a common insult, right? People say it all the time. Except...Clarke ends up screaming it at Bellamy... And, for once...he does take one of her orders.

*** good old season 1 feels!!! And you know, who says it didn’t happen, just because we haven’t seen it on screen ***

Friends With Benefits (E) @ DreamofInception on AO3

60k+

Summary: Clarke Griffin and Bellamy Blake hate each other. But they like each other naked.

*** Such an excellent humor!!! And heartbreak. ***

Heaven Can’t Wait (G) by @randomly-random-jen (AO3: justanotherjen ) 

45k+

Summary: With the Apocalypse banging at their door, the Arkadians and what's left of Trikru take refuge in the remains of Alpha Station and hope for the best./ Over 500 souls crammed into a tin can, but there's only one that has Bellamy wrapped around her little fingers.

*** post season 3 canon divergent, it’s so raw and emotional, and I love this Bellamy so, so much!! ***

Hello, Princess (G) @ AO3: moonyredmoon

Summary: Professors and TAs were supposed to teach and help you. They were supposed to appreciate students who took the time to come see them and ask questions. If nothing else, they were supposed to have a clear explanation when it came to questions on grading. Instead, Clarke had even more questions and only one new piece of information… / Bellamy Blake was an asshole.AU with Clarke in college as a pre-med student, and Bellamy her Calculus TA. More characters and tags will be added as they are introduced.

*** SLOWBURN, Maths nerd Bellamy tutoring Maths nerd Clarke is such a unique concept and I love it so much!! ***

Let’s Go to the Mall! * (G) @ AO3: Willaphyx

20k+

Summary: Clarke Griffin was looking forward to a summer of working at her favorite art store in the local mall. That is until she found out who works at the bookstore across the hall: Bellamy Blake, who quickly becomes Clarke's least favorite person. But it would seem like Bellamy doesn't quite feel the same. With the whole summer ahead of them, who knows what could happen?

*** It’s super cute. ***

mind if i check you out? * (G) @ AO3: earthandsky

5k+

Summary: "'Literally, he’s the only clerk to get requests from patrons,' Monty had told Clarke a few days ago, rolling his eyes. 'People come to the desk with all of their stuff and will specifically ask for Bellamy to check them out.' / Raven had grinned. 'I think they’d rather check him out.' / Monty had pulled a face but didn’t disagree. Apparently, Clarke was meeting him today. And he was going to train her. Awesome." / Bellarke Library AU.

*** Just read it. It’s great! ***

Now and Then (G atm, though it’s rated M) by @100yearsofbellarke (AO3: InfiniteBeauty93)

30k+

Summary: Growing up since birth together Bellamy and Clarke have been through the best and worst of times. But when Bellamy gets engaged and Clarke confesses her love to him he rejects her leaving her heartbroken. Now spending a week at her family's vacation house with Bellamy's in preparation to his wedding the past and present collide.

*** well, normally I don’t read anything with e.cho but this story was posted before the dark days, and trust me, it’s good. I’m really loving the alternating timelines!!! ***

I Know I Don't Deserve It, But Stay With Me A Minute (G, possibly turning M) @ AO3: belgardebells

45k+

Summary: Octavia Blake isn't allowed to date until her big brother Bellamy does, so she calls in a favour from her best friend Clarke Griffin. All Clarke has to do is seduce Bellamy, fake date him, and then break things off when Octavia starts going out with her waiter conquest. It's supposed to be quick, easy, and painless. And it is. Until Clarke starts falling for real.

*** this author has multiple WIPs (I recommend them all) and a really unique writing style and humor ***

The Art of Disappearing (M) @ AO3: Jenye

20k+

Summary: The first night they met they witnessed a grisly murder. Now they’re being placed into the Witness Protection Program. Starting life over in Ark, Minnesota was definitely not part of Clarke’s five-year plan. And gaining a wife certainly wasn’t something Bellamy saw himself doing this year.

*** Bellamy and Clarke falls in love in witness protection ***

The Prisoner and The Cure * (E for gore) @ AO3: PaintedGhostOrchid 

30k+

Summary: The US has been transformed into a barren, post-apocalyptic wasteland after a viral outbreak leaves society in shambles. But Clarke Griffin is a girl on a mission to her mother's research facility to deliver the only-known cure- if only she can avoid the free-roaming criminals who are determined to kill her, led by one particularly terrifying (and handsome) escaped prisoner who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. / Loads of Bellarke tension, human survival, the occasional zombie (but not much), jealousy, and romance.

*** Bellamy as a grumpy prisoner trying to save his sick sister. And then, there is Clarke. She is special. They are fighting their way through the zombie apocalypse.  ***

The Rest Was History * (G) @ AO3: Tate

25k+

Summary: Historian Bellamy Blake needs to impress his potential bosses at ARK Enterprises. He's got everything they're looking for, except the girlfriend that his best friend Raven Reyes assures him will win them over. But that's okay, because Raven's found just the girl. Only, there's one problem. Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin really, really hate each other.

*** ummm, quite a few tropes in this. One of the details I really, really loved is the name of the car and fLUsTeREd Bellamy.  ***

The Will ‘o the Wisps (G) @ AO3: DracoTerrae

5k+

Summary: With his kingdom falling to darkness, Jake Griffin barely managed to escape to another world, his young daughter, Clarke in tow. Twenty years later, Clarke wanders a little off the designated trails and stumbles into the very world her father left behind. Now desolate and under the shadow of darkness, Clarke slowly gathers a ragtag group with whom she will fight the powers that brought this world to its knees.

*** it’s very mysterious at the moment, only a few chapters in, but I cannot wait to read more. On hiatus, but I have faith ***

This is where you fall, this is when you get up (G) by @queenofchildren (AO3: queenofchildren )

35k+

Summary: In which Bellamy is a grumpy cowboy, Jake knows a good steak when he eats it, and Clarke makes a decision.

*** COWBOY BELLAMY, WHAT ELSE DO YOU NEED? ***

Up In Flames * (M) @ FFnet: lucawindmover

60k+

Summary: AU Post Season 1 finale. They were meant to be used as a new influx of genes for Mount Weather. But Clarke Griffin and her band of survivors would not be going along willingly.

*** The MM made them do it. Sooooo, I wish I could say this story will continue!! Anyway, I just love this one so much, it has to be on this list. ***

Weave Me A Myrtle Crown (E for abuse and sexy times) @ AO3: AJRedfern

75k+

Summary: Clarke's not a woman easily shaken - she has a reputation of being 'logical, level-headed if a little cold-blooded'. And then she gets assigned as the new Paramedic In Charge to Firehouse 82. Amidst the people she's starting to call her friends, is Bellamy Blake: heroic firefighter, exemplary Lieutenant, complete asshole. Normally, this would have been fine - it's not the first time she's had to work with someone she despised. Except dreams keep plaguing her. Dreams that start the day she first met him. Dreams of a different life, a different time, a different world. Dreams of him, of her, of them. Dreams that start to feel like memories. Yeah, her carefully constructed facade isn't going to survive Firehouse 82.

*** Reincarnation (?) AU. I wish I could say this will be updated, but I have doubts. Regardless, the parallel timeline/flashbacks are giving the story an amazing flavour, and the UST is excellent ***

Win a Date with Bellamy Blake (M) by @bittyab18 (AO3: Bittyab18 )

125k+

Summary: Clarke Griffin's best friend enters her in a contest to win a date with Bellamy Blake, famous actor/Hollywood heartthrob/bad boy. Except, Clarke already knows Bellamy, and she's not a fan of him or his movies. Because her life sucks, she wins, and now she's reintroduced to the guy she loved to hate in high school. 

*** So much UST, so much angst and so much cuddling. A true s l o w burn. ***

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

I hope you will give it a go and show these writers some love.

***************************************************************************

Coming up next (probably): 

Fake dating/Arranged Marriage/Accidental Pregnancy

[ticklishhpickle]

No Hugs

Summary: Dan Howell does not like hugs. Or Phil Lester. And he certainly doesn’t like hugs with Phil Lester. 

Word count: 2.7k

Genre: fluff, this is literally just a ball of fluff with pining Dan who won’t admit he likes Phil

Warnings: none

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dan Howell hated physical contact. Hugs, especially. He hated the feeling of pressing his chest against another human’s chest awkwardly in some weird display of affection. Having arms wrapped around him made him feel like he was being trapped, the arms feeling like a hungry python engulfing his body in a deadly choke. The whole concept and practice of physical contact just seemed so uncomfortable to Dan. Why would anyone willingly put themselves through the awkwardness of human touch when they could just, not?

The few hugs Dan had had the displeasure of enduring throughout his life were all painfully unpleasant. The first was with his dad- he was twelve and it had ended in a lot of awkward back patting. The second was with his Aunty who had unwittingly pressed her rapidly sagging chest against his, making him shiver in terror. The last and possibly worst was with his friend Chris who’d practically forced him into it after Dan had come out to him. Was it a huge, momentous occasion not only for Dan, but for their friendship as well? Sure. Did it warrant a hug? Certainly not.

“Hi Dan! I made cupcakes with my little sister over the weekend- this one’s chocolate flavoured, I heard you liked chocolate? Anyway, here you go.”

And there was the other thing Dan hated: Phil Lester. Phil lester was the sweetest, most positive and most adorable person Dan had ever met. It was disgusting.Phil was always going out of his way to make his day better, leaving cute little notes in Dan’s locker, pencil case- anywhere he could access really. If that wasn’t bad enough, he always made conversation with Dan, asking him how his day was with such genuine interest that Dan couldn’t do anything but answer. It was so manipulative of Phil.

Dan turned around in his chair, accidentally looking straight into his classmate’s baby blue eyes. They were so stupidly bright, twinkly and full of life. Seriously, the boy was just asking to be hated! Dan bashfully took the cupcake out of Phil’s outstretched hand. It was only the polite thing to do, and Dan loved chocolate which helped. He took a small bite. It was delicious. The rich chocolatey taste melted in his mouth and he licked his lips.

“Thanks. It’s good.” He said, making sure not to show any emotion in his tone. He couldn’t let Phil get any ideas.

Phil’s mouth turned up in a lopsided grin, his eyes twinkling even more now if that was possible.

“Thank you! I’m really glad you liked it, I have more in my locker if you want to come get them at lunch? And I can tell you about my newest Pokemon game while we’re there!” Phil was looking at Dan with the softest, most hopeful expression that he’d ever seen.

“Okay.”

Fuck. The answer had tumbled out of Dan’s mouth before he’d even had the chance to think about it. He didn’t want to hang out with stupid, lame Phil Lester at lunch! Seriously, the guy was such a nerd, with his Pokemon obsession and his little hipster glasses and his amazing baking skills. Ugh, and Dan couldn’t retract his agreement because then that giddy look on Phil’s face would be gone, replaced with one of disappointment and rejection. As much as he hated Phil, it would just be cruel to say no now,

“Great! See you then.” Phil beamed before going back to doodling dumb Pokemon in his workbook. Seriously, who even liked Goldeens? They were the lamest Pokemon out!

Lunchtime was not going to be fun.

-

Dan was in the cafeteria, sitting next to  his best friend Chris. Both boys were unashamedly licking the remaining bits of cupcake from the empty wrappers.

Chris moaned in delight.

“These are fucking delicious, Lester’s an amazing baker.” Chris said, throwing his soggy wrapper into the bin.

“I know! He’s so stupidly good at everything. He’s such a try hard, it hurts.” Dan grumbled, taking another cupcake out of the container and shoving it in his mouth.

“Yeah. It’s just too bad that you have the biggest crush known to man on him.” Chris had walked back from the bin now, and was standing at the head of the table with his arms folded.

Dan spat the contents of his mouth ungracefully onto the table in front on him. He coughed a few times, the crumbs stuck in his throat.

“I’m sorry, what?” He asked, voice croaky.

Chris rolled his eyes.

“What are you acting surprised for? You’ve had the biggest crush on Lester since he moved here and we both know it.”

“No I don’t! I hate that guy!” Dan was blushing furiously now, how could his own best friend accuse him of something so gross?

“Alright. And that’s why he’s all you’ve been talking about the past few months, why you’re eating his cupcakes and why you invited him to sit with us at lunchtime.” Chris smirked, clearly quite pleased with his arguments.

Dan shot Chris a look that was supposed to make him flinch, but only served to make the boy even more amused at his friend’s obvious denial.

“Shut up! I only invited him to sit with us because I felt bad after he gave me all those cupcakes, and he said he wanted to tell me about his new Pokemon game.” Dan scoffed. “It was a pity invite.”

“Okay. If you say so.” Chris grabbed a napkin and began cleaning the crumbs Dan had spat out onto the table. Dan breathed a sigh of relief. For once Chris had given up and Dan could be left in peace. Was this real life?

“Do you think a purple tux would suit me? I want to stand out at the Dan and Phil wedding.” Chris mused casually.

Dan screwed his face up, his hands balling into fists. What kind of best friend was Chris? He opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted when a certain black-haired boy returned to the table.

“Hey I’m back!” Phil slid casually next to Dan on the seat, his eyes lighting up when he saw that all of the cupcakes were gone.

“So you guys liked my cupcakes, I see?” Phil nudged Dan in the side playfully, making his insides tingle with what was most definitely hatred.

Dan nodded softly in acknowledgement, a smile spreading across his face that he tried to fight back. Seeing Phil happy didn’t make him happy. Not at all.

“Aw thank you!” Phil smiled back at Dan before opening his arms wide. “I think a congratulatory hug is in order, don’t you think? That was a lot of cupcakes but you tackled them all!”

Dan recoiled, shifting back along the bench away from Phil. A hug? And from Phil Lester of all people? No thanks.

Phil’s face fell immediately, and Dan’s heart clenched. Phil retracted his arms back to his sides awkwardly, looking at Dan like he’d just told him Santa wasn’t real.

“He doesn’t like hugs. Weird, I know right?” Chris explained, shaking his head.

“O-oh, sorry- I didn’t realise...” Phil replied, all red in the face now.

“Um, it’s okay. Not a big deal.” Dan slowly scooted back to his original place on the seat, feeling  guilty all of a sudden. It’s not like he should feel bad, he had nothing to be sorry for. It didn’t matter that Phil looked like a sad little puppy when his hug had been rejected. Dan didn’t care.

He just didn’t like hugs, and Phil Lester would be no exception.

-

It had been a few weeks since the ‘no hug’ incident (as Dan liked to call it) and Phil had become even more annoying somehow.

He was hanging out with Dan and Chris more, sitting with them every single lunchtime- didn’t he have any other friends? He also always felt the need to sit as close to Dan as possible, whether it was in five of the six classes they shared together, or at lunchtime when he would snuggle up to Dan on the long seats, when there was clearly enough room for him not to. Dan couldn’t complain though, he couldn’t hurt Phil’s feelings like that. It would just be too mean and awkward to tell him to stop, so he was stuck with the boy.

The worst part of it all, by far were the looks Phil always gave him. Always gazing at Dan softly with his stupid sparkly blue eyes, when Dan wasn’t looking and even when he was. He’d called Phil out on it a few times, and all the silly boy had done in response was blush and stutter out a lame excuse. Who did he think he was, acting like a little ray of sunshine that made Dan’s meaningless existence actually somewhat bearable?

“Oi, loverboy, you going to Homecoming?” Dan felt his side being nudged by Chris. It was lunchtime and Dan and Chris were sitting in their usual spot, Phil actually absent for once, having told Dan he had some homework to catch up on. It was kind of quiet without him.

“I don’t think so. I’ve got no one to go with and I don’t plan on third-wheeling you and Tess the whole night.” Dan sighed. He actually wanted to go.

“Oh, what? I thought you were going with Lester.” Chris had the teasing smirk on his face that appeared every time Phil was brought into conversation.

“No! We’re not like that.” He defended, crossing his arms.

“Then care to explain the lovey-dovey glances you guys always give each other, or the fact that he basically cuddles up to you every lunchtime or maybe, I don’t know, why you never seem to stop talking about him?”

Dan narrowed his eyes.

“Seriously Chris, you need to stop. I’m getting annoyed now.” Dan loved his friend, but right now he was irritating him to no end. Chris had other ideas, however. He looked Dan right in the eyes, grinning wickedly before chanting,

“Danny has a crush, Danny has a crush, Danny has a crush, DANNY HAS A CRUSH!”

Dan was more frustrated than he’d ever been in his life, why couldn’t Chris just drop this? Didn’t he make it clear that he hated Phil, complaining about him as often as possible? Anger was bubbling up inside of him, hot and red and the next words that came out of his mouth would come to be ones he would regret.

“I DO NOT LIKE PHIL LESTER, I HATE HIM! Seriously, you need to shut up about this already!”

He saw Chris open his mouth to reply, before his eyes widened and he pointed behind Dan.

He turned around.

Oh shit.

The one and only Phil Lester was standing there, bouquet of roses in his hand and a crushed look on his face. Dan had felt bad enough seeing Phil’s hurt expression when he’d rejected his hug all those weeks ago, but now- Phil looked devastated.

The boy’s bright blue eyes were wet, the pain he was feeling evident. Before Dan could do anything to rectify the situation, Phil was running off, the roses dropped to the floor.

Double shit.

Dan’s stomach dropped, the weight of what had just happened hitting him.

He knelt down and picked up the bouquet of roses, feeling a stab in his chest when he saw the note attached.

Homecoming? :D

-

Dan had fucked up. He’d really fucked up now. Oh god, he didn’t hate Phil, not even a little bit. Dan had thought the reason he couldn’t stop thinking about Phil was become he hated him so much, but it really was the opposite. Chris was right, he did like him. A lot. But now he’d hurt Phil, and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

Phil was going to ask him to homecoming! It would have been amazing. Dan could imagine it now; Phil coming to his house to pick him up, looking beautiful in a suit that would match Dan’s. Dan’s mum would be overly excited, of course, taking dozens of pictures of the two together before sending them off into a limousine she would have insisted on renting. And finally, when the last slow song was being played, Phil would pull Dan onto the dancefloor and they’d sway in sync to the music, their foreheads pressed together as they looked into each other’s eyes.

Dan’s chest felt heavy. He couldn’t give up on that dream. Phil was the kindest and most understanding person he knew, he might forgive Dan if he gave a good enough explanation. But how was he going to do it? He needed to do something big, something that Phil wouldn’t be able to say no to…

Dan looked around his bedroom, eyes scanning over various objects before landing on the red bouquet of roses Phil had dropped earlier. Dan smiled. He knew how to fix this.

-

Dan paced nervously around Phil’s front yard, straightening up his suit jacket. This better work. After a few more minutes of stressing out, Dan forced himself to walk to the front door.

He rang the doorbell.

He heard the soft padding of feet for a few seconds before the door opened, revealing a tired-looking Phil. He straightened himself up when he saw it was Dan on the other side of the door, looking apprehensive.

“What are you doing here?” The beautiful blue eyes Dan loved so much were not sparkling, now looking dull and hopeless.

“I came here to apologise, if you’ll let me. I have something prepared.”

Dan stepped aside, allowing Phil to see what was in the front yard. A table with a red checkered cloth was in the middle of his garden. On top was a tray with ten chocolate cupcakes, each with one letter from the word ‘Homecoming’ iced on. Surrounding the baked goods was a circle of carefully sprinkled rose petals, hand picked from Dan’s mother’s garden.

“What’s this, Dan?” Phil’s eyes were filled with a soft wonder akin to that of a child’s. He was outside now, standing in front of the table.

“This is an apology. And an invitation, if you’ll accept it.” Dan cleared his throat nervously. “ “I like you, Phil. I’m sorry I ever said anything else. I was an idiot to deny the fact that I’ve liked you ever since I met you.”

Phil looked utterly shocked now, and dare he say, a little giddy? The brightness had returned to his eyes, giving Dan the confidence to continue.

Dan picked up the bouquet of roses- now a little wilted- that Phil had given him the day before. He handed them to Phil, their hands brushing together causing both boys to turn pink.

Within two seconds a huge smile had overtaken Phil’s face, meaning he’d read Dan’s reply on the note attached- ‘yes :D’.

“Will you go to homecoming with me?” Dan asked, more than anything wanting Phil to say yes.

Phil looked up from the note and into Dan’s eyes, causing him to swoon a little. This was it. Dan braced himself for the answer that would either make or break him.

“Yes! Of course I’ll go with you, dummy. I like you too in case that wasn’t painfully obvious. And I forgive you, I’m just glad you didn’t mean it.”

Phil was opening his arms, leaning forward to encircle Dan with them before he quickly stopped himself. He shuffled on his feet awkwardly.

“Sorry! I forgot you didn’t like hugs! Celebratory handshake instead?” Phil smiled apologetically, his expression soft and innocent.

Dan didn’t know why he felt really disappointed when Phil pulled away. He hated hugs, didn’t he? But Phil’s face looked so cute and small, and he just looked so warm…

“Well… maybe we can hug. Just this once.” Dan found himself saying.

Almost instantly, Phil threw his arms around him, surrounding him in warmth and the smell of cinnamon. Dan squeezed back hesitantly, finding that the hug wasn’t entirely unpleasant. It didn’t feel too awkward, or forced and soon Dan found himself melting into the embrace. He felt safe and secure in Phl’s arms, and his heart was flipping over in his chest excitedly.

Maybe hugs weren’t so bad, at least not with Phil.