#but also incredibly mentally ill & non-recovered

[sicklytenshi]

my mother ordered me some dark girly kei clothes this morning and I eventually ended up infodumping about jirai kei (since most fashion sellers list it as “jirai fashion”)

when I got around to telling her what the jirai stands for, she told me that she thinks it's accurate for me, only that I'm more likely to implode than explode👍

[morriganjules]

I'm gonna take a break from my Arthur lust and Hex squeeing for a serious post.

Warning for mentions of mental breakdown and sui ideation/urges.

So my friends and gf are already sick of me getting obsessed with 1999, the characters and romance system. I can't help it. I'm AuDHD and I have hyperfixations, bite me. I'm also a sucker for a good story and characters you can get close to.

But this renewed love of Warframe has a much deeper importance that I'd not really thought about till tonight. This is gonna be a bit storytime, but bear with me, I promise there's a point.

In April 2021 I was living alone in a very remote village in the Yorkshire Dales. Think more sheep than people. I was here for work - and I was lone working in a shop. My friends and partner were over an hour away through many country roads. And of course, there was covid. So around Jan 2021 we went into Lockdown #3 and I didn't see anyone, for weeks on end. Didn't interact with anyone. Didn't go to work (it was non essential retail) and had not much money.

During these dark winter months in and out of covid lockdowns, my only socialisation had been playing Warframe constantly with my clan (who are my best friends IRL.) Especially in lockdown 3 when none of us were working.

A few days after lockdown lifted I went back to work, but things weren't right. I felt very unsafe in my own head. One morning I went to work and I had the most incredible urges to drive into oncoming lorries. Something in my brain was telling, commanding me, to off myself. It was SO STRONG. I still don't know how I fought it, I'm glad I did but holy shit it was the scariest thing I have ever been through and I had to FIGHT SO HARD.

I finished work - somehow - and tried to drive to my partner's. I couldn't make it. I parked in an industrial estate in a town on the way, feeling like I couldn't keep myself from crashing and killing myself and others. I rang a friend and begged him to help me stay alive.

He raced there with his dad. They plucked me out of my car, he drove me to their home and his dad drove my car there too. I was absolutely out of it at this point. Not responding to human interaction, just in a strange semi-conscious state of existence - my brain was absolutely fried.

Anyway I was on sui watch for a week, and my amazing friend and his parents kept me living there for a few months so I didn't have to be alone in bumfuck nowhere. I eventually recovered and still struggle a lot with my mental health to this day, but thankfully nothing so bad, and I'm surviving.

How is this related to Warframe you ask? Get to the bloody point Jules!

Well, my clan got back into Warframe (after Destiny 2 went to shit) and so I started playing with them.

And I started feeling incredibly anxious, distressed, unsafe in my head.

My bloody brain had linked all those nights alone in the dark in a tiny cottage with tiny windows, spent playing Warframe, and having a breakdown, to the game itself. Playing Warframe was triggering me. That fucking SUCKED.

But I'm a stubborn old goat, I left it a little bit and then tried to play again, and pushed me way through all the story quests I'd missed. The feelings lessened. And 1999 made me excited. There were NO negative associates or bad feelings left around Warframe.

And that makes me really happy. This game has not been permanently ruined by my stupid mental illness, and the mental illness can do one. I'm excited about an awesome game and as much of a grip as my mental illness has on me, it hasn't fucking taken this from me.

I win this one, brain.

If you read this far, thank you. I'm lucky to have wonderful friends and loved ones around me, and I'm safe now. Please don't be afraid to reach out if you struggle too. <3

[web-novel-polls]

Favorite Disabled Web Novel Character Tournament

Last Checked: December 30th, 2024 - Please check the original post for updates

Submissions End: TBD

Rules

One character per submission

Submit as many times as you want

Must be from a web novel or an adaptation 

In-world disabilities that don't exist IRL (ex: a character unable to use magic in a world where everyone else/most people can) will be accepted as long as you think it qualifies as a disability

Mental & non-physical disabilities will also be accepted, including mental illnesses & neurodiversity

The WN doesn't explicitly have to mention they're disabled/their disability, but I don't want to include pure headcanons since this tournament is more about highlighting canon disability representation. Feel free to talk about any headcanons in the ask box though! I enjoy hearing y'all's thoughts :)

Tag: #disabled WN characters tournament

Submissions

Cui Buqu from Peerless

Submission: Chronic fatigue, vulnerability to illness, heart in the wrong spot. Basically generically chronically ill 

(The following is all from the Less Popular Danmei Character Tournament bc it’s really good propaganda lol)

Submission: He’s mean, he’s disabled and unapologetic about it, he’s a genius and all his braincells escape him when faced with his rival, he’s a secret agent and has no martial arts, he’s deeply in love and will never say so unless pushed, he will liken his rival to his sun and then tell him he’s the most annoying person he’s ever met. He’s a bastard little fox <3 

Additional Propaganda #1

Additional Propaganda #2

Fu Shen from Golden Terrace/Golden Stage

Submission 1: Fu Shen's leg is broken in battle. He has to use a brace and a wheelchair while he recovers.

Submission 2: 

Crippled legs/wheelchair bound for most of the novel  propaganda: The prologue of the novel is him basically suffering an assassination attempt which crippled his legs horribly when a bunch of rocks fall on him. Despite being wheelchair bound for most of the novel (he later gets these like leg exoskeleton support things but he can't wear them for more than a few hours or something and still has to use the wheelchair), he's still depicted as being just as badass and respected. His men still hold him in high regard, and he still goes around investigating shit and even once using a crossbow to take someone down. He also uses people underestimating him now that he's crippled to his advantage. His love interest is also incredibly sweet and remodels his whole estate to be wheelchair accessible right before he moves in after they're married. 

Carrd/Image Link

Gu Mang from Remnants of Filth / Yuwu

Submission: He's missing some of his souls, which renders him intellectually disabled and amnesiac.

Wiki Link

Gu Yun from Sha Po Lang 

Submission: He's half-deaf and half-blind, but still a badass.

Wiki Link

Hua Cheng from Heaven Official’s Blessing 

Submission: Blind in one eye and uses his magical butterflies as a disability aid to help him see!

Jing Weiyi from The Imperial Uncle

Submission: Jing Weiyi's leg was broken when he fell off a horse when he was young. Afterwards, he walked with a limp for many years. 

Ji Yushi from Mist [Unlimited]

Submission: Hyperthymesia... Basically, he can remember almost everything, and while that helps some in the scenarios of the novel, it also has a huge detrimental effect on him, and he needs pills to calm his mind and such. I'm not sure if it really counts as a disability, especially since there are less than a hundred people with this in real life, but I think it should count for this tournament since it's neurodivergence and such. 

Kim Kiryeo from The Hunter of the Other World Who Is Being Misunderstood

Submission: Kiryeo has a badly healed leg injury which makes it difficult for him to walk and impossible to run, lungs damaged by smoking that heavily limit his physical ability, lung cancer that causes him to cough up blood occasionally and a severe depression to the point of memory loss. He couldn't receive treatment for his leg and cancer due to the lack of money and in the end gave up on it and started to smoke to cope.

Mae Yakbing from Best Teacher Baek

Submission: She has a rare chronic illiness that causes her to get sick often, grow weak over time and die young.

Mu Tianchi (Jing Wang) from The Disabled Tyrant's Beloved Pet Fish

Submission: Jing Wang is mute.

Shen Qiao from Thousand Autumns

Disability: Blind

Shen Qingqiu from The Scum Villain’s Self-Saving System

Submission: Chronic illness. SQQ is poisoned by a fictional poison literally named “without a cure.” In universe his condition is treated much like a chronic illness that requires constant monitoring and maintenance (medication, check-ups and regular qi infusions) in order to keep in check. Even when he adheres to his treatment regime, it still has unpredictable flare-ups that could put him in serious danger if they happen at the wrong time. The flare-ups (which happen randomly and vary in length unless he receives medical aid) completely block his ability to use qi thus making in-universe actions that are normal/habitual for most his peers (such as flying) much more risky for him. 

Shi Qingxuan from Heaven Official’s Blessing (TGCF)

Submission: Ends up with a broken arm and leg that is not healed

Song Qingshi from Mistakenly Saving the Villain

Submission: 

ALS before he transmigrated (hopefully this counts, it's big part of his character as a doctor and he thinks about it a lot, and he even gets panicky in his new body when his limbs go numb!!) It's also not explicitly said but he's very autistic coded and canonically has a hard time understanding metaphors, communicating with other people/understanding others emotions, and when he's reading about medicine or doing experiments he hyperfixates and doesn't do anything else for the entire day. When he's with others he gets so anxious he ends up putting on a stern face, so people think he's scary when he's internally panicking 

Wiki Link

Wei Wuxian from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation

Submission: Wei Wuxian has trauma responses to several things, in particular dogs and the sparky sparky spirit whip. There's no way he doesn't have PTSD with everything he went through.

Xiao Xingchen from Grandmaster of Demonic Cultivation 

Disability: Blind

Xue Xian from Copper Coins / Tong Qian Kan Shi

Submission: 

Peddling my disabled gay dragon again... He's paraplegic for most of the story, and this affects him in his true form and all of the forms he shapeshifts into. He also gets a wheelchair at a certain point and he's so happy about it 🥺  He's also, like, such a vibrant and charming character. Hes soooooo annoying(affection and approval) and so over the top and i support him in everything. Also lets not forget that he has a tiny noodle form and curled around his bf's wrist like a bracelet. this lives rent free in my head what a move

Carrd Link

Zhou Zishu from Faraway Wanderers

Submission: He injects himself with the Nails of Seven Apertures for Three Autumns. These nails result in him becoming sickly. The effects of the nails are a limited life span, halved martial arts strength, periodic pain, a ruined sleep schedule, and withered meridians. 

Wiki Link 

Rejected

Ballister Blackheart from Nimona

Reason: Not from a web novel

Sapphia from High Class Homos

Reason: Not from a web novel (Webtoon)

[hms-tardimpala]

Goldsickness collection: the recs!

Dragonsickness is a theme I love, it resonates with me with very much, and I had a great time reading fics to make this collection. Here are the eight I love the most and that make up this 376-pages-book.

As Befits a King by Ladysisyphus (explicit, 4,7k)

It was all too much to think about, so he thought about Thorin's hands.

This fic strikes a good balance between angst, hope and hot possessive sex. Thorin is teetering on the edge of madness here, despite Bilbo's best efforts.

Chains of Gold by Plooby (explicit, 4k)

He had not been in the king's chambers since their arrival, not since his youth, and the massive gilt doors opened only with groaning reluctance under his hands.

This is actually a sequel to the fic above, the authors worked on a series together. It's just as brilliant, hot and well-written. You can see the old Thorin under the madness.

What was promised by Paranoid_fridge (unrated, 6,9k)

Perhaps Bilbo is being selfish. But even though he knows that Thorin's mind has grown clouded from cursed gold, he is unwilling to give up on the intimacy they share. And when Thorin - with his mind still bespelled - asks for his hand, Bilbo does not decline either. With armies before the gate and a battle to come, things must come to a head.

Interesting concept: Thorin and Bilbo get married while Thorin is dragonsick. It raises the question of consent. The battles scenes are great and Bilbo is a badass.

Lay your troubles down by Avelera (explicit, 24k)

An extended version of "the acorn scene." Bilbo sees his chance to snap Thorin out of his madness, and takes it.

This fic is a great, slow deconstruction of Thorin's illness by Bilbo. The author goes all the way to the bedrock of the character to start healing him, and there are setbacks and false starts (which is what I prefer in fics where Thorin heals).

Covet by Pomgore (explicit, 33,3k)

"How is he?” Bilbo asked softly, trying to keep the worry from his voice. Balin’s face went dark, and he sipped thoughtfully on his tea. “... It’s slow, but his fever has begun to break,” he said. “Still, it’s the worst I’ve seen him. I think it’s the worst he’s ever had.” ~~~ Thorin recovers from both physical and mental afflictions. As with all recovery, the path of healing is non-linear and agonizingly difficult.

This is also a fantastic healing fic (this one post-canon) that treats dragonsickness as a mental illness, with relapses in the recovery. I loved that portrayal, I recognized myself in it. And the fic scratches some specific itches of mine.

Red Lines in Dark Stone by Elenothar (mature, 4,3k)

After BOFA Thorin is wrecked by guilt, convinced that most of the bloodshed is his fault (see: the arkenstone debacle). As king and responsible for Erebor, he decides that he will do anything to stop himself from succumbing to the gold sickness again, even if it means hurting himself. When his family and friends find out, they don't react as he'd expected them to.

Self-harm is another theme that's dear to me. This is an excellent portrayal of self-harm, the author got it perfectly right. It's good to read a post-canon fic where, even when he's past the goldsickness, Thorin still suffers its consequences.

Of Monsters and Men by MsThunderFrost (mature, 1,3k)

Thorin will protect Bilbo from everything. Even if that includes himself.

Look, I love dark and twisted stuff, so this fic was an absolute bitter candy for me, I dig it. Heed the warnings!

Burning with a magnificent madness by EmilianaDarling (mature, 7,3k)

Thorin’s madness had been like a dam bursting; fast and brutal and incomprehensible, like water rushing out and devastating everything in its path. For Bilbo, it’s more like a slow trickle over the course of a lifetime. Out of sight and out of mind - and almost imperceptible until he’s already drowning.

This is an incredibly moving study of madness in Thorin's and Bilbo's lives, caused by the gold and the One ring. Bilbo's life is really tragic and it's heartbreaking to see him sink into addiction to the ring. Prepare tissues.

[spookfished]

media roundup sep 2024

hello! havent done these in a while. im currently "extremely unemployed" lol well see if i go back and do any of the previous months i skipped ㄟ( ▔, ▔ )ㄏ i think its nice to force myself to summarize my thoughts like this

BOOKS: the tyrant baru cormorant by seth dickinson: most recent book in the masquerade series, which is a thriller (?) about the mechanics of empire. dude this book was so great. no notes. there were some incredibly gratifying payoffs in here and some craaazy twists. idk i wish i had something more to say i just thought it was really really good im glad that baru gets to have some good things as well as bad. of course, seth dickinson has amazing prose and the ending was so like, uplifting? and inspiring? i was very surprised lol

when the angels left the old country by sacha lamb: queer jewish immigrant YA, apparently for fans of good omens. an angel and a demon from a small, small town go to america to track down one of the town's mising daughters. despite neither being a gomens fan (although i did read it) nor jewish, i really enjoyed this! it has a dreamy, fairytale, eva ibbotson-like tone to it that made it a pleasure to read, despite the somewhat foreboding topic (let's all have a fun time on ellis island while visibly jewish!) the stories of the humans and the non-humans feel equally important, but i really especially enjoyed the way the angel changed over time as a response to the world it saw. its just a really nice book :3

long live evil by sarah rees brennan: villainess isekai, but western tradpub. a woman dying from cancer at a young age is given the chance to live again--as a two-bit floozy villainess the day before her execution?! how will rae find a way out? and how well, really, does she remember the time of iron? sarah rees brennan is sort of a comfort author to me; in other lands meant a Lot to me as a mentally ill teenager. all the same, i almost dropped this book during the first couple of chapters. in my opinion, this book has a REALLY rough start that evened out into a ride that i enjoyed quite a bit despite many other factors. while some parts of the part are clearly deeply personal (this is the author's first book published after recovering from late stage cancer), it also has a tendency to hammer in its points over and over again and undercuts too many serious moments with quippy dialogue in a way that deflates tension rather than increasing it. also, one b-couple takes clear inspiration from one of her previous works (but this time more #toxic --they kill each other in time of iron) and as a result unfortunately outshines the main couple at times, who also have to share screentime with a huge cast that often feels improperly balanced. but also, i thought the main couple was pretty cute, actually! the ending twist, while not unpredictable (and also very, uh, danmei?) was also very enjoyable and nice to let creep up on you. i feel like i'm being more strict with it than i am with a lot of villainess isekai i read though, haha… i agree with ineedacatchyname's review of it (and a lot of these thoughts just echo theirs. woops!)--a lot of this could be fixed with a bit more editing, but ultimately i spent the second half unable to put it down and i'm still going to read the sequel.

against football by steve almond: fairly short nonfiction. one diehard football fan's searing condemnation of the state of american football today (and what we could do to make it better). this was recommended to me by megafaunatic, and i really enjoyed it :3 i come from a pretty "ugh, sportsball" type of family, and so it was really interesting to see why people love watching football (especially a team as "wretched" as the former oakland raiders) as well as playing it--but also how the continuation of football in its current state is pretty much inexcusable (one bright side is that division i graduation rates have actually gone up quite a bit since this book was published in 2016!) id easily recommend to both football fans and non-fans.

GAMES: pikmin bloom: pikmin bloom is a game about walking around, growing pikmin, and planting virtual flowers. i didnt play this game for a while bc i was like "well, its pokemon go but with pikmin -_-" and like. it is. but niantic has also taken the opportunity to overhaul a lot of its base game mechanics with a focus on actually getting you to GO OUTSIDE and WALK AROUND, which i think is to its benefit! like, yeah it actually did get me to go on some walks when i wouldnt have otherwise. the microtransactions kinda suck but as long as youre willing to kill your darlings (pikmin) its fine i think. < guy with a very high deathcount in pikmin 3 and 4

return of the obra dinn: stylized mystery game about unpacking what happened in a scaaary voyage by seeing the moment surrounding the crewmembers' deaths. dude. this game is so fucking good. it was like everyones goty in 2018 and as soon as i finished it i was like "i wish i could get hit in the head so i could play it again." imo, its a really good game to play as a group (with one person driving) bc so much of the gameplay takes place outside of the game--deducing, speculating, etc and it's really fun to do that as a conversation with someone else! the game does a good job of disincentivizing random guessing--when i played this game with my family, we did guess on a couple but it was almost always a 50-50 "choice A or choice B". and the game can (apparently) be completed without any chance guesswork whatsoever! can be a little gory at times, but its all in this sort of dithery monochrome style so you don't really think about it until you're walking to the bathroom in the halflit moonlight and youre kinda like hey this kinda looks like return of the obra dinn haha. wait. anyways play this game!!

unpacking: cute little game about unpacking/moving in during the various phases of one person's life. probably a masterclass in "environmental storytelling" that invites you into making your own stories for our unseen protagonist while also providing these understated beautiful little moments of understanding. also, it was really theraputic getting everything perfectly placed in order when i currently live in a very messy house ;-_-

umineko chapter 2: ahhh year of umineko 2024 continues. im definitely not finishing the whole game this year (lol) but i might end up finishing the question arcs at least..? anyways ive been lbing this the whole time (#year of the seacat 2024 for blacklist) but man this was pretty harsh compared to the first episode. it even makes battler break down..! i was secretly wondering how it was going to try and turn around my opinion on rosa, but, well, i still really dont like her. has bright points in more beatrice!!! the introduction of the meta, some ???really horny??? parts and the [You are incompetent] scene. also, everyone seems to really hate george for some reason but i feel like i still dont get it.

SHOWS:

the decameron: drama about fucking and dying in black plague-era italy, and a villa meant to be a getaway from it all. in high school i wanted to read the decameron because it was mentioned in theatre of coolty--just so you know, this is nothing like it. its just really fun! and full of light intrigue and twists and reveals and tragedy. a lot of the plague-based humor hit in some pretty uncomfortable places, which the showrunners were definitely going for. neifile and panfilo hands down had my favorite relationship.

witch from mercury: revolutionary girl gundam?? this is how everyone pitched it to me, which honestly put me off a little bit. wfm is clearly aware and respectful of its predecessors but also takes the first episode to go "nah were going to do something a little different though." like, its kind of like instead of tackling rape culture it decided to tackle the military industrial complex instead ? ? i guess?? it seems like a good entry point into gundam for many (including me!) i enjoyed the first season very fun and currently watching the second. looking forward to seeing how sick and twisted things can get

in terms of music ive been listening to a lot of zerobaseone.. every time were in the car together neil is like lets listen to yurayura and im like yessss. yurayuraa oh ive also been listening to counter//weight while driving but im not going to include it bc its been slow going lol. all my thoughts about it so far is like "this is the thing neil really likes"

anyways if you got to the end or skimmed or whatever, thanks for reading! hope u have a good one.

[skys-archive]

I know not everyone can or will agree with this but this is important. "My body my choice" is so much more than abortion rights. Disabled people can make choices. Neurodivergent people (of ALL kinds) can make choices. Queer people can make choices. Addicts can make choices.

Everyone seems to agree with transitioning but nothing else. Not every trans person wants to medically transition and that is okay. Some cis people want to medically transition and that is okay. Some non queer people want to medically transition and that is okay. People have the right to their own bodies and can make their own choices to how they want them.

Neurodivergent people don't have to take medication. A more palatable one to introduce? There are so many people with ADHD that don't take medication even though medical professionals reccomend it and that is not stigmatized. Medication can make you feel bad and sometimes it isn't worth it. That does not mean no one should take medication it means people who don't want to don't have to. If you have and ADHD friend who doesn't take medication and you decide that their symptoms are not someone you want to associate with then make that choice and don't associate with them. Now apply that to any other neurodivergency. It is your job to decide who you're close to and who you lean on for emotional support and who you care for. If you decide it's not worth it for you or you don't want to be with them that is your choice. If neurodivergent people don't want to take medication because they feel like it strips them of who they are they don't have to. And if you argue that this makes them dangerous, that without antipsychotics a schizophrenic person will hurt someone, that someone with a personality disorder untreated will commit crimes, you are only pushing the stereotype that mentally ill people are inherently violent and haven't we been pushing against this stereotype for decades? People have a right to their own bodies and can make their own choices to how they want them.

And guess what? You can apply this to addicts to. Addiction can corrupt lives and hurt people but it is your job to associate with people you want to. If you don't like them, don't be friends. If you don't like someone's personality or how they treat you or what their actions are do what you would do with anyone else you know and don't be friends with them. Don't associate with them. There is no shame in deciding that someone else's life choices are not something that you want to be a part of. I'm sure we all hope that addicts can recover but it is their body and their choice and it is not your responsibility to stay when you don't want to or change their actions. Addiction can destroy you and we understand this and we understand the torment of someone who is stuck in addiction but you can't force anyone to do anything, and trying to force it into them will only make their situation infinitely worse. I know I'm not properly explaining this but I really hope someone can understand what I'm trying to say. People have a right to their own bodies and can make their own choices on how they want them.

Disabled people can refuse treatment. Yes, this can mean they need more assistance than they would need if they went through treatment but there are so many reasons why someone may not want to. Treatment can be incredibly intensive and difficult, and it doesn't always work either. It's emotionally and physically taxing and not everyone can go through it. Treatment is painful and frustrating and often times can cause more distress than help and even worsen a disability. They might need assistance and be a "burden" to their family and care takers but again, you have the choice for who you take care of and who you are there for. Everyone deserves someone but it is not your obligation. Disabled people can refuse treatment. People have a right to their own bodies and can make their own choices to how they want them to be.

Also, its worth noting. I've given multiple reasons to "justify" why someone might use "my body my choice" as something other than abortion. But also, its a choice. You don't need a reason. A reason can be as simple as you do or don't want to. You don't have to have a "justifiable" reason to do something that affects yourself. And if it affects someone else, it is their decision whether it is worth it to them or not.

People have a right to their own bodies and can make their own choices to how they want them to be.

some of yall need to understand that "my body, my choice" also applies to:

addicts in active addiction with no intention of quitting

phys disabled people who deny medical treatment

neurodivergent people who deny psychiatric treatment (yes, including schizophrenic people and people with personality disorders)

trans people who want or don't want to medically transition (yes, including trans masc lesbians with top surgery and trans women without bottom surgery, yall are so weird to them wtf)

and if you can't understand that, then you don't get to use the phrase

[computrkisser]

Some people with harmful paraphilia will never act on them, and some people without paraphilia will abuse children

paraphilia are not a crime, they’re mental disorders. They’re literally thoughts and feelings, often which the person DOESNT want to have

whereas people who commit crimes are punished for their actions

and “kill all pedos/zoos” does not help destigmatizing paraphilia in general, many will be hesitant to seek help for their problems. Isolation has proven to be THE factor that actually makes mental health conditions WORSE (not just paraphilia but also addiction, depression, etc)

So what this actually means: you don’t care about anyone but yourself, you jumped to a topic no one was talking about, and also came to someone else’s post, looking to argue

you’re a vile pos who has not even a shred of empathy

HEEEELPPPPP the fact you have the audacity to say this shit and not even know anything about my opinions or anything I even said. And this shows because little of what you said I disagree with I can't argue back because I agree with most of it. HOWEVER. The most i disagree with is the fact that isolation may not help the issue but people with paraphillas should absolutely not be given a community on the internet because there are so many bad people that don't seek help and will drag others down with them and validate their illnesses, they should be given a community within therapy where they can heal with others and professionals around them.

And idk where ur ass got "kill all z00s/p3d0s" came from cause that's absurd. I believe people should seek PROFESSIONAL help and support to be able to recover from the issues.

I never went to "start arguments" I was looking for wholesome objectum stuff when I came across that VILE page that was normalizing and validating paraphiles. They where trying to group objectum with z00s and p3d0s, they are activly and proudly a z00, claims to be non-contact and not looking for help, even so it's still incredibly harmful to their mental well-being, they openly support p3d0s calling them "maps" which is just a fancy word for a p3d0, they are activly reposting and using "map flags" and other paraphilla flags, again onto my point of normalizing it, harmful paraphillas do NOT need flags. and last but not least, they reposted a post about some "happy pride month to all the paras" n the post LITERALLY SAID "never stop being weird" that is validating and fueling people. That is NOT wanting them to seek help.

The only thing I was doing was calling out a harmful creator that could help create issues in recovering paras, and who is making everyone uncomfortable with posting about stuff that should be kept in therapy. That person needs serious help and it shows.

[artbyblastweave]

Gideon the Ninth Liveread, Chapter 13

Gonna try and catch up on these.

Gideon is using increasingly possessive language used for Harrow- HER necromancer.

“I am just saying, you’d be dead.” More and more I understand the gestalt image of Harrow as the Kitten Who Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day. She’s a heap of bones and wet cloth held together with spite.

Big fan of the repeated use of "In a Bone”- “hiding in a bone”, “stuck in a bone”, “dying in a bone-” to describe the bone cocoon. This syntax smacks of Homestuck.

Okay. So Harrow was “just recuperating.” Here we see a reproduction of what Harrow did with her parents; sealing herself off from the world to try and recover, which is of course fruitless because you do it in a situation where you're starved for resources and there's nobody who even knows or cares something is wrong. Harrow rejects all solutions she doesn't execute singlehandedly; Gideon, meanwhile, snaps at opportunities as they emerge, even when offered by someone she hates; her brand of stubbornness only superficially resembles that of Harrow's because she was never given any real offer of assistance.

Finally Gideon starts flexing her leverage. This is good to see. Yell at your wet rat

Harrow is equally suspicious as I am of Dulcinea; she picked an interesting place to die! This, in turn, highlights something interesting about Gideon’s point of view; Gideon is cutting, but not consistently insightful. She’s very good at coming up with downright poetically mean and snarky things to say about the people and things around her; she can intuit the broad shape of the social dynamics, as shown in the chapter 12 intro- but she isn’t thinking critically about a lot of it. She’s routinely spending time with Dulcinea, and she hasn’t moved mentally beyond “she’s dying” to “why is she dying:” She hasn’t considered in the slightest the fundamental weirdness of sending a terminally ill person to complete a giant scavenger hunt. Gideon noticed and was put off by Canaan House’s dumpishness, but she didn’t parse it as a power play; instead, we overheard Naberius say that. Gideon noticed how incongruously constructed Canaan House is, but didn’t read much into it; Palamedes is the one whose bullshit detector actually went off.

The awful orange tone of human leather. Jesus fuck.

Alright, so they aren’t supposed to go through locked doors without permission. I didn’t remember the specifics of the wording on that one.

Harrow got ahead of the other houses because she has the force multiplier of skeletons; Palamedes has psychometry. The eighth house has... raw zealotry? There’s gotta be some necromantic element giving them a leg up. Here we get insight from Harrow about the other houses, insight absent from the narrative up till now because Harrow is, again, the protagonist of a very different story from that of Gideon's, with a very different set of known unknowns. All that buildup surrounding the sixth pair, and Harrow just kind of casually knows Palamedes by reputation. Also here we get a sense of who Harrow considers the functional competition- the Sixth, the Eighth, and possibly the Third. This makes sense; the Fourths are teenagers, the Second don’t actually seem interested in this, the Fifth were painted as pretty non-competitive in the dueling sequence, and the Seventh is.... actually, now that I think about it, Dulcinea is pretty heavily implied to be doing what Harrow is doing but with her Cavalier as her proxy instead of a skeleton army. Hmm. Harrow might not know this, having been AWOL the last week or so. And Gideon herself is not making that connection at the moment.

Harrow’s description of how she methodically swept the entire House for locked doors and then threw 163 skeletons into the bone grinder is yet another example of her being the protagonist completely different kind of book than Gideon. Harrow is the kind of prodigious protagonist who has incredibly in-depth understanding of the magic-system and to a lesser extent the setting politics; a strong insider of the sort whose "arc" often consists not of getting good, but of turning their incredible force of personality against the correct adversary, and whose minute-to-minute page-filling challenges consist of outsmarting hard-magic-system puzzles through cleverness and brute force. That whole "163 skeletons" thing, in a different kind of book, would be a triumphant sequence for Harrow where she tries everything she can think of until something finally works; but this is a story about how trying to do everything yourself fundamentally destroys you.

Brief aside- we get another mention of blood “skeletonizing,” which appears to involve rapidly drying it/ draining it of energy in the process; presumably this might allow for the rapid creation of occult diagrams, or that might be a mundane use compared to the mystical function of a quick powerup.

And Gideon puts the nail in the coffin; she found the door, she’s the only one of the two capable of standing upright, she’s successfully framed Harrow as being the weak link in their power projection to the other houses. Gideon is good at this kind of freight-train Laying Out Of Points when she’s given the opportunity; she hasn’t had cause or opportunity thus far in the book, but like any good swordswoman, when she sees an opening, she presses her advantage.

The sum of all necromantic transgression. That’s a fundamentally interesting concept to hear come out the mouth of a girl reading a book bound in human leather. Given what we've already seen of business-as-usual necromancy, what does the head of first house consider "transgression?"

Ten Thousand Million unfed ghosts. What do you feed ghosts? And why are there a billion ghosts? Someone was busy.

So Teacher is capable of specificity, if you hit upon the right questions. Florid specificity. Does he write his own lines? Is this his description of the situation down there, or did someone give him a script?

“Ghosts and you might die” is my middle name. Not far off- I haven’t really touched upon the bizarre circumstances of Gideon’s coming into the Ninth, but she was��named by a manic ghost. (Does she, herself, know that? Did anyone tell her the profoundly bizarre circumstances by which she came to Drearbaugh, or is this something only the narrator knows?) 

[pinkelotjeart]

I can’t get behind this take at all? First of all it feels like you’re comparing two completely different characters.

Futaba is a kid dealing with agoraphobia and incredible guilt from her mothers death. Her character arc is about over coming those fears. I and many find this a relatable arc as she’s also very autistic coded, I could write a whole essay on how she perfectly encapsulates the autistic experience.

I honestly don’t apreciate the “she’s a bitch ass cry baby who hides in her room”. she’s a 15 year old girl, with actually real world mental illnesses . Her mental struggles aren’t gone immediately, she has a panic attack in a store after not interacting with the outside world in a while because that’s a realistic thing to happen to someone who’s recovering from agoraphobia or social anxiety.

Comparing futaba to Vincent and saying because Vincent exist futaba has no reason to is so weird to me? They are very different even when they share commonalities in being slightly cowardly, but their fears are different.

Vincent is a man who has a consistently struggles with communicating within his relationships by being non confrontational. He has a inferiority complex that makes him scared to speak his own mind. this anxiety gives him a freeze response in situations he deems stressfull.

His story mainly focuses on relationships of the romantic kind. It’s about what it means to be in a relationship, how much of that is tied in traditional values, the compromises that come with being ‘tied down’, and wether that’s even necessary.

That’s thematically COMPLETELY different from a 15 year old processing her trauma and slowly learning how to deal with her mental illness.

Both are great characters with anxiety, but have complete different themes and presentations of that anxiety.

The smt if poll was great! I have a follow up bonus poll idea, but I fear it’s a bit stupider

I don’t think the entire game would be an honorary persona game, we would all agree on that, so I’ll ask…

I mean there are so many reasons either one could be chosen that I’m not 100% sure how this one will go

[weed-cat]

how abortion bans will/do disproportionately impact indigenous people, by a Menominee person with a uterus.

Abortion bans are oppressive and dehumanizing and dangerous to anyone who can become pregnant. And the people who are the most highly impacted by these laws are certain minorities. This post is focused on how reproductive rights violations impact Indigenous First Nations communities in particular, please do not derail this post or make post additions unless you are Indigenous American. 

(note: many of my sources use gendered language that excludes non-women who can become pregnant. i am aware of this and am unhappy about it, but i will still be using reliable data and quotes from these sources.)

Based off of United States statistics, Native American people are the most likely to be sexually assaulted out of any racial demographic in the US by a large margin. 

- On average, American Indians ages 12 and older experience 5,900 sexual assaults per year. - American Indians are twice as likely to experience a rape/sexual assault compared to all races. - 41% of sexual assaults against American Indians are committed by a stranger; 34% by an acquaintance; and 25% by an intimate or family member.

(source [x])

A nationally representative survey indicates that while almost 18% of white women and 7% of Asian/Pacific Islander women will be raped in their lifetimes, almost 19% of black women, 24% of mixed race women, and 34% of American Indian and Alaska Native women will be raped during their lifetimes.

(source [x])

Sexual assault and rape are indescribably traumatic experiences in and of themselves, even without the layer of potential for unwanted pregnancy. But pregnancy after being raped does occur. Almost 3 million people in the U.S. have experienced rape-related pregnancy. (source [x])

94% of rape victims experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) following their assault. (source [x]) People who suffer from PTSD are caused extreme psychological distress by things and experiences and people that remind them of the traumatic event(s) that they suffered through. Finding out that you are carrying your rapist’s fetus can and does majorly inhibit and set back the ability to heal and recover from PTSD. 

And even without this factor, many people who experience rape-related pregnancy are children, disabled in ways that would make it dangerous or even fatal to carry out a pregnancy/childbirth, unable to access the resources required during pregnancy/childbirth, or otherwise unfit or unwilling to go through a full pregnancy and childbirth. 

Native Americans have the highest teen pregnancy rates in the U.S.

According to a 2018/2019 study, Indigenous populations in the U.S. have the highest percentage of teen births out of any racial demographic.

(source: [x])

Teen pregnancy and birth is often incredibly damaging to the victim’s psyche. Teen birthing parents are twice as likely to experience post-partum depression than birthing parents of an appropriate age, have higher rates of other depressive disorders, have higher rates of suicidal ideation, and have higher rates of PTSD. (source [x])

Not only are there often grievous mental health consequences to teen pregnancy, more than 50% of teen birthing parents will receive a high school diploma, and only 2% will receive a degree before the age of 30. (source [x])

Teen birth rates will only go up if abortion is outlawed. This will disproportionately impact Indigenous communities, who already suffer from low graduation rates and high mental illness rates. 

Native Americans have higher pregnancy and abortion rates in general.

-Urban AI/AN [American Indian/Alaska Native] were more likely to have had three or more pregnancies and births than NH-whites [Non-Hispanic Whites]. High fertility rates were also seen among young urban AI/AN women age 15-24 years. - Urban AI/AN reports of 2 or more abortions was twice that of NH-whites (10% vs. 5%).

(source [x])

This one is fairly self-explanatory. If a certain demographic is receiving more reproductive care, they will be more impacted by legislation making it difficult/impossible to access that reproductive care. 

Native Americans have the highest poverty rate out of any racial demographic in the U.S.

(source [x])

Carrying out a pregnancy, going through childbirth, and raising a child are all things that are made much more difficult by economic disprivilege, especially in the US, where healthcare is very expensive, especially without insurance. 

The estimated cost of a pregnancy and birth in the United States is $30,000 for a vaginal birth and $50,000 for a c-section. (source [x]) Many impoverished people just simply do not have that kind of money, and are forced to take on pregnancy and childbirth without appropriate healthcare, or go into medical debt. 

Additionally, pregnant people require more food, which they might not be able to afford. Pregnant people often experience side effects that would make it impossible or simply unsafe to work, especially in late stage pregnancy, and people living in poverty cannot afford to lose their jobs or even to miss shifts. 

Native Americans have the highest rates of death due to pregnancy/childbirth complications, second only to Black people. 

Black and AIAN women have pregnancy-related mortality rates that are over three and two times higher, respectively, compared to the rate for White women (40.8 and 29.7 vs. 12.7 per 100,000 live births)

(source [x])

With a pregnancy mortality rate more than double that of white people, if more Indigenous people are forced to endure a pregnancy, more Indigenous people will die at disproportionate rates. 

Racial disparity in pregnancy mortality rates is due in part to inability to access healthcare, as well as systematic racism within healthcare resources themselves.

Native Americans have the highest incarceration rates in the U.S. out of any racial demographic in many states, and the second highest incarceration rates overall. 

Native Americans are incarcerated at a rate 38% higher than the national average, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics.

(source [x])

My final point that I’m going to be discussing is about how American Indigenous people will be treated under abortion bans. 

Native Americans face much higher incarceration rates out of almost any ethnic demographic, and very often face more severe punishments than non-native (particularly white) people who were charged with the same crime. If abortion is criminalized and can be punished with incarceration, Native Americans will be disproportionately impacted. 

Additionally, people who miscarry can be legally punished under anti-abortion laws, because there is simply no way to prove that miscarriages weren’t intentionally induced in many cases. We are living under a justice system that is biased against Indigenous people, and with the way things are right now, the only logical conclusion that one can draw based on evidence is that Native people who are falsely accused of abortion will be more likely to face criminal charges. Because it’s already happening. 

Prosecutors argued methamphetamine use caused Poolaw’s miscarriage between 15 and 17 weeks gestation. But a state medical examiner who testified for the prosecution during the one-day trial in October said there was a complication with the placenta and the fetus had a congenital abnormality. He couldn’t say for certain whether drug use caused the pregnancy loss.

(source [x])

Brittney Poolaw, a 19 year old woman from the Comanche Nation, was sentenced to four years in prison after a miscarriage. The prosecution insisted that she was guilty of self-induced abortion by using meth, as she was an addict, even though medical evidence proved that there were other factors that could very well have caused miscarriage. 

Abortion bans are aggressions against anyone who can become pregnant, but AI/AN communities will be impacted disproportionately. Our voices are incredibly important in matters like these, but are often talked over. Allow us to have a platform. Consider how your activism may exclude us. Thank you. 

[3fling]

Tag 9 People You Want To Get To Know Better!

Thank you thank you @iam-jacks-redacted-information for the tag this was super fun and I loved reading your post!!

First Ship: oh babey you know it’s Kyoru of Fruits Basket. That was the first non-children’s-media I ever watched and I was immediately enraptured by them. Idk they still occupy a huge piece of my mind, I’m always thinkin bout them.

Three Ships: seriously you’re gonna limit me to three okay hard mode

-- Well I simply *must* start with Taakitz they were so deeply instrumental to The Way My Brain Is Now and I stand by the fact that they’re simply one of the best relationships I’ve ever seen. Do they only have a very little bit of screentime? Yes. Am I criminally in love with both Taako and Kravitz? Also yes. It’s a mental illness I love them. Something Something the world’s greatest wizard and the world’s most down bad grim reaper-- you can rip them from my cold dead hands.

-- I’d be remiss if I didn’t say BokuAkaKuroKen I’m so weak for the Tokyo OT4 nobody talk to me nobody look at me I love the dynamics, I love the characters, I love how different they all are and how well they work together, and I love Mookie’s art of them *drooling* LISTEN you’re telling me you’re not weak for a crazy professional volleyball player, a tired but handsome manga editor, a pro gamer, and a 6′5″ salary man??? Yeah okay. Sure you’re not.

-- I wanna say soapghost so badly but I have to give my last to Widojest. To you they’re the ship that never was, they’re canon to me though. He’s fire, she’s ice (LITERALLY), he hates himself she loves herself and everyone, he’s red she’s blue -- they’re the perfect foils idk guys. He wrote her an effing book for gods sake. HE CAN’T CALL HER BLUEBERRY AND EXPECT ME TO BE NORMAL ABOUT THEM. Yeah like I said to me they’re canon I am respectfully ignoring the end of the campaign.

Last Song: I’m fairly certain was “Fluids” by Michael Medrano it is SUCH the bisexual anthem idk what else to say you guys  and I don’t know how to link music so you’ll have to look it up on your own but it’s worth the effort I promise it’s got the club vibes it’s got the catchy lyrics it’s got the bisexual disco cowboy singer what more do you want????? 

Last Movie: Glass Onion

I almost never watch movies anymore who has the time but boy and I watched this together while I was recovering from a hospital stay and it was incredible. I love the plot, the cinematography and color design was to die for, costuming had me absolutely *drooling* I could go on and on. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend.

Currently Reading: Beartown by Fredrik Backman

“Culture” is an odd word to use about hockey; everyone says it, but no one can explain what it means. All organizations like to boast that they’re building a culture, but when it comes down to it everyone really only cares about one sort: the culture of winning... We love winners, even though they’re very rarely particularly likeable people. They’re almost always obsessive and selfish and inconsiderate. That doesn’t matter. We forgive them. We like them while they’re winning.

Yeah I’m reading it for the second time in less than a year it’s fine. Idk guys you can just fit *so much* character dynamic, development, and moral quandaries in these little hockey guys and the little hockey town they live in. I can’t recommend Backman’s work enough, especially Beartown, it’s such an important book. 

Currently Consuming: PB frozen hot chocolate from freakin’ DQ

Currently Craving: Not to reinforce a stereotype but it’s cheese

Tag you’re it!!! @fandomsgirl10 @couldjanot @nighttimenoodle @lluvguts @eiry-real @enigmatic-cyborg @thatradicalrobot and anyone else who’d like to do this!

[woundthatswallows]

I know I'm just digging myself a grave here but can you please explain how exactly I'm being incredibly harmful? Like seriously. I don't have anyone to talk to about my eating disorder. I never have and will never post or reblog content that promotes or glorifies eating disorders. I reblog tips on how to stay SAFE, telling people they deserve to eat and recover. You're just taking away someone's safe space because what? They aren't allowed to exist, mentally ill, without getting help. I can't afford therapy and I'm a minor. I don't have support from my family. Should I just let this consume me?

Anyways, have a nice day. And please think about what you're doing when you report ed blogs that por about harm reduction and promote recovery but aren't ready for it yet themselves.

i get the beginning part but the thing is when you have an explicitly ed related url and the obvious stuff that someone can see when they are not purposefully interacting with you is harmful. adding onto posts w random ed things when it wasn't about it is harmful. you are also making yourself worse by surrounding yourself by people who inadvertently encourage you to be sick. i have had an eating disorder. i still have one. and at one point i too was a minor navigating the internet whilst having one. i know what being in a space with other people who share that mindset does.

and i'm not 'attacking' you specifically. you should engage in recovery spaces but not spaces that encourage you or others. by openly interacting with non ed blogs you are putting other people in danger and THAT is reckless and harmful. you cannot be harm-reductive while having obvious urls, bios, and posting about how you don't eat, etc. it is known that they are competitive disorders that are motivated by reading about what other people do.

i hope you have a nice day as well, and that you one day can have a safe and supported recovery.

[bandtrees]

i get where it comes from, as tumblr as a site (or at least these circles) tend to skew ��younger mentally ill people” who, for the most part, ‘recovery’ is in progress or even just an ideal, but sometimes i feel this site, especially fandom-y spaces, have such an odd idea of what ‘recovery’ is

‘recovery’ is not just ‘realizing you’ve been mistreated’, or just ‘deciding to be better’, or just ‘getting support from friends’, or even just ‘going to therapy’. it’s a long and tedious process full of ups and downs — and yes, those things are very good steps, but they’re not the end all be all. it’s not just a switch you flip or a decision you can make after one conversation, and i hate to be pessimistic, but i feel like the ‘hurt/comfort a helps b Recover™️’ or ‘recovered!character’ content spreads a lot of... incorrect ideals about recovery.

it’s very daunting, and sometimes your progress will feel undone, or like it’s for nothing, and there are times your time will feel wasted as recovery is INCREDIBLY non-linear, because facing these parts of yourself is a goddamn MOUNTAIN CLIMB and a lot of storm before the calm. it’s going to be hard but it’s going to be worth it — it’s much more than just getting a kiss from your partner and suddenly brightening and becoming healthy.

and while the general shift on this site from “we can’t all be neurotypical karen” to “recovery is good and worth it and we should all be happy” is DEFINITELY a good thing, with it also comes... not getting the whole story, and people being misinformed by some of that idealism.

i don’t mean to rain on the parades of anyone making idealistic content of people with their struggles moving past them and being happy, but it’s not as easy as fanfic makes it look, and i don’t want people to feel like they’re stuck in a gutter or unhappy because their recovery journey isn’t like a 2k fluffy hurt/comfort. it’s not as easy as we want to portray it, but that doesn’t make it any less worth it.

[imaginedmelody]

Thanksgiving “Community” Fic Rec Post!

It’s been a hot second since I posted fic recs on this blog! When I went to put this list together, the “Community” fics vastly outnumbered everything else I was planning to include. So I’m dividing this into 2 posts: you’ll get the “Community” ones now, so I can take time to track down some of my faves from other fandoms.

Not to sound saccharine, but Thanksgiving is about gratitude, and the Community fandom is the one I’m most grateful for this year. Both the show and the people I’ve met because of it made 2020 go from a hell year to...well, a slightly more bearable hell year, if we’re honest. And the fandom produces some damn good fics. So here they are, in no particular order, for your quarantine reading pleasure! And be sure to let me know your favorites that I might have missed!

1. “Advanced Companion Reconciliation” by adorations; Troy/Abed, not rated, complete (but part of a series marked in-progress)

This is one of the first fics that really stood out to me when I started getting into Community fic in the late spring/early summer of this year. The fandom is filled with post-series reunion fics where Troy goes to find Abed in LA, and this one is particularly exquisite. The whole story is wonderful, but I’ll go ahead and publicly state that Chapter 4 of this fic is one of the best single pieces of writing I read on AO3 this year. The level of intimacy and understanding and protectiveness between the characters, even in a non-romantic context, is mind-blowing. Their relationship just builds and builds beautifully.

2. “Lessons in Adjustment” and “Remedial Recovery” by biggod ( @nadir-barnes ); Troy/Abed, mature (LiA) / explicit (RR), complete (but part of a series marked in-progress)

A tender, angsty, but absolutely beautiful pair of fics- the first about chronic illness, the second about mental health. It can be a real gamble to take characters from a piece of comedic media and write about them undergoing scary and sad things, but Cherie does it perfectly here. This series will break your heart and make it soar at the same time, because even as Abed struggles to face a painful (and painfully realistic) diagnosis, the love between the characters and their humanity just shines right through. By the end of “Remedial Recovery,” I could feel that moment of learning to wake up to life again just like the characters were. Can’t recommend it highly enough.

3. “Studies in Evolution of Affection” by onemechanicalalligator ( @1mechanicalalligator ); Jeff/Abed, explicit, complete

There are some writers where the main barrier to including them in rec posts like this is that you want to rec everything they’ve written. Maya is absolutely one of those writers. Her fics may not have been the first I read when I joined the fandom, but they were one of the first where I began to make friends, to have conversations and feel like an active participant in the fandom. Like Cherie (above), Maya has also written fics about the characters going through dark situations, especially Abed dealing with mental illness and Jeff recovering from alcoholism (both of which, while dealt with more seriously in her fics than in the show, are canon-compliant aspects of the characters). And there is a special place in my heart for those, but if I had to choose one fic to recommend out of all of her dozens of works, it would be this one. Jeff/Abed is a rarer, more niche pairing, but one with incredible potential, since both Jeff and Abed are damaged in their own ways (and often understand each other better than the others, especially in the later seasons- even when they’re at odds). Each of the chapters is a little glimpse into a different scenario as Jeff and Abed’s relationship develops. Some of them are connected, and some are more stand-alone, but they’re all filled with lovely fluff and hurt/comfort.

4. “Seminar on the Legality of RomCom Tropes” by ama ( @greenandhazy ); Troy/Abed, teen, complete

No joke, this fic may actually have made me cry a little from all the emotions it gave me. It definitely made me gasp and burrow into the pillows smiling and say “awww” out loud. It starts with a pretty solid romantic comedy fake-dating premise: instead of Pierce requiring Troy to sail around the world to earn his $14 million inheritance, the conditions in this fic are that he must get married in one month and remain married for at least a year. After trying and failing to find a partner, Abed agrees to marry him to fulfill the terms of the agreement. And this begins an epic slow-burn for the ages, that rivals any romance movie I’ve watched in recent memory. The way they have to act like a happily married couple while, at the same time, not acknowledging their growing feelings for each other- it’s so beautiful and the longing is exquisite. By the time it ended, the joy I felt was incredible. This is the only single-chapter non-series fic on this list, so if you’re looking to read just one standalone, this is a perfect heartwarming choice.

5. “Basic Heartbreak Repair” by lgbtrobed ( @lgbtrobed ); Troy/Abed, explicit, complete as of TODAY!

While we’re on the topic of slow-burn... This fic is another perfect example of that. It sets up a scenario where the study group reunites in Colorado at Troy’s house, which they are using for Jeff and Britta’s wedding, years after the finale. They’ve kept in touch, but Troy and Abed have only seen each other once since Troy got back from his time at sea- and they’ve never discussed their feelings. The romantic buildup between them is just amazing; they’ve had all this distance, so things feel new, but at the same time it’s palpable how well they know each other. So every little step they take towards one another is absolutely note-perfect.

I can easily think of a dozen amazing fics that I didn’t even have room to include on this list. This fandom is full of some of the most ridiculously talented writers you can imagine. And now that the show is on Netflix streaming and enjoying a revival of popularity, there’s more fandom activity than it’s seen in years. I can’t wait to see what amazing works are waiting for us in 2021!

[mamahersh]

The Road to Hell (is Paved with Good Intentions) Chapter 7

“Season 8 was well underway, and the server’s first conflict is bubbling just under the surface. But BDoubleO can’t worry about that right now because he has an Etho to find so they can work on the Horse Course together. However when Xisuma calls a surprise server meeting on behalf of EvilXisuma, BDubs gets his answers about where Etho’s been in the worst way possible.”

(CW: angst, mild torture)

Chapter rating: T

Nice long conclusion chapter to make up for the short one yesterday! From BDubs view, plus nHo hurt/comfort (emphasis on comfort)!

As in all the previous chapter posts, if you’ve enjoyed the ride I took direct inspiration from this oneshot on AO3! Please give them some love and appreciation.

Chapter 1 / Chapter 2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6

It had taken days before Xisuma figured out what EX had done to the server that had caused the respawns to break in the way that it had, and how to fix it. However, figure it out and fix the problem he did, and with respawn mechanics back to normal, everyone who had died and respawned during the glitch was able to reset their health completely. And properly set their respawn points as well, since part of the glitch seemed to be that people’s respawns were being set as they were dying. But the biggest adjustment in the days after EX had caused havoc was trying to help Etho recover.

While Etho seemed relatively ok once he was able to talk again (his tongue and all his other lingering injuries were fully healed with the fixing of the respawn, though figuring out a way to get him to respawn was both more difficult and less difficult than BDubs had expected); BDubs was hearing from Iskall that all was still not right with the world. Normally, Hermits would let current season basemates/regional allies/faction mates do the heavy lifting of any emotional or mental stress that a particular Hermit experienced on the daily unless the Hermit asked for help from specific Hermits. But in this case, BDubs felt he should invite Etho to an nHo reunion/get-together. Even if Etho didn’t necessarily need the reunion, BDubs knew the rest of the nHo did. 

They had all been in various states of hysterics by the time they had gotten Etho out of the restraints and the death loop he had been locked in. BDubs had been the first person to breach the room, with Iskall and Beef right behind him. Beef had blocked up the water to stop the cycle as Iskall and a recently arrived Cleo began breaking restraints while BDubs clutched Etho’s freed hand (thinking back, he probably shouldn’t have. Etho’s hands had looked hardly better than the rest of his mangled flesh. He also wasn’t sure how they managed to get his wrists detached from the cuffs, as his arms and wrists were still solidly clipping into the restraints). Hypno had fiddled with the camera and looked over the speakers, before he managed to get everything deactivated and convinced the remaining Hermits to gather at Cleo and Joe’s base. By the time the Hermits were assembled at Joe and Cleo’s base, and Etho had been safely transported from the floating box, Doc was a hissing mess, Beef was greener than normal as his stress seemed to activate the alien transition, and BDubs had resorted to constantly checking his clock (a nervous habit he had picked up from 3rd Life, but the less he thought about that hell server the better). Etho had been quickly whisked away by Iskall to their shared base, but was just as quickly relocated to the Spawn Egg; as neither had wings, and Etho wasn’t nearly healthy enough to try and scale his own base in the sky. Plus, being at the Spawn Egg had the added benefit of easy access by the rest of the server so that other Hermits could stop by and check in on Etho’s progress while they all waited for Xisuma to fix the respawn mechanics. BDubs stopped by once while Etho was recovering. It was a little out of his way when trying to visit the Yes Wings Club, but figured he might as well since he hadn’t seen Etho since they had saved him 2 days before. 

Etho looked about what he had expected to be honest. Since they were worried about whether a normal respawn would register his tongue being gone as normal if they healed it properly with potions, the other Hermits had determined to wait on healing him till after he had properly respawned. That left him bedridden till the server was fixed though, which no one was happy with. BDubs was told later that supposedly Etho had understood during the few times he was lucid enough to listen to someone during that time. While he had been there though, Etho had been solidly asleep, Iskall asleep himself by Etho’s bedside. BDubs had taken a moment anyway to sit on Etho’s other side and just quietly talk to him about what he had been up to in the day or two since they had saved him. Iskall had come to briefly to see who had been talking, before settling back into his chair to rest.

BDubs had left pretty quickly, if he were being honest. Seeing Etho as vulnerable as he was left BDubs feeling a bit ill. After that, it had only been a day or two more of anxiously waiting for Xisuma to fix the server before they had been able to get the other Hermits respawned properly. (There had been several deaths during the time the respawns had been on the fritz, including a couple during the search from fall damage.) But when it came to Etho, they had tried to explain what needed to happen during one of the next times he was awake, but he had been becoming more unresponsive the longer he had been bedbound. So with heavy hearts, it had been decided that Etho needed to respawn as soon as they could decide a way to do so. After much debate between Iskall and Xisuma, it was decided that a quick anvil to the head would suffice.

It was told to BDubs later that Etho had respawned a few paces from the bed he had been sleeping in at Spawn looking incredibly confused and lost. It took close to a half hour to explain what had happened to him before him and Iskall went back to their shared base. And if Iskall was to be believed, it sounded like Etho hadn’t slept since the first night back. Which was almost a week ago. Not that many of the other Hermits were doing better. From the sounds of the grapevine, Mumbo still blamed himself for what had happened to Etho, and despite apologizing and promising Etho a cut of all his profits that season to make up for his decision (which he had been told Etho had forgiven Mumbo for and told Mumbo to keep the profits as he was just respecting Etho’s choice) he insisted on trying to find ways to make it up to an increasingly exasperated Etho. (Which BDubs noted was somewhat out of character, since Etho almost never missed a chance to keep someone in his debt and exploit them for his own projects). Other than Mumbo, Doc had been reported also to not have been sleeping as much, but instead he worked on his most recent engineering marvel. Beef had been throwing himself almost entirely into setting up his own shop outside the Derpcoin market to sell his own brand of non-evil cat food. BDubs knew that Beef was taking the whole: “Derpcoin is actually evil not even a meme” thing incredibly hard, since his whole thing this season had been going over to the dark-side as an alien (which BDubs still didn’t understand how that had started in the first place). BDubs himself was doing just fine thank you very much! Sure, he’d been struggling with sleeping at night himself (every time he closed his eyes he could see Etho strapped to that chair and drowning again), and yeah, he’d been trying to work on the shopping district by the mountain instead of the Horse Course (he had heard from Iskall that Etho had been working on something outside the base, and BDubs had a sneaking suspicion he knew at least one of the projects Etho’d been working on). But he definitely wasn’t nearly as bad as the other members of the old nHo. Definitely. He couldn’t lie to himself, they were all having a bad time. 

So, as BDubs was wont to do, he took things into his own hands and sent invitations to all the nHo members to come by his base for a get together. The date was set, and he visited every member in person leading up to the event to make sure they were coming, no excuses! (He knew it was particularly urgent as when he went to check on Etho, he finally found him sleeping in one of BDubs’ builds next to the horse course, and when he got Etho awake, he cracked exactly 0 height jokes until he tried to get Etho to come by later and it was a height joke every minute. The height jokes were BDubs’ way of figuring out how nicely Etho wanted to play. The less the better.)

But now the day had finally arrived, and BDubs welcomed each one of his friends into his base with open arms and a smile. First to arrive was Beef, seeing as he was closest. Then Doc. Then as BDubs was debating messaging Iskall to find Etho for him, the man himself showed up on BDubs’ doorstep. Everything went off without a hitch in the beginning. They all were able to reconnect and chat about bases and projects they were working on; Doc with his redstone magic he was getting from his friends on another server, Beef and his efforts to create a new kind of cat food, Etho and his many projects ranging from an inventory sorter to the horse course, and BDubs with his latest shop attempts in the Big Eye Crew shopping district. (It was good to see Etho making fun of BDubs’ attempts at making a redstone shop. Etho hadn’t heard of it yet, and it was a delight to see him light up while joking about what BDubs could possibly make with redstone that even someone like Grian couldn’t do themselves.)

It all comes crashing down when Etho asks Beef more about the cat food. Specifically what was wrong with the old cat food. 

Now Beef hadn’t expressly said that he had been working with EX for having a cat food stand at the Evil Emporium; but he had implied that his previous cat food flavor would be going on the back burner. What they all had assumed was that Etho at least generally knew most of the gossip on the server. But what BDubs should have guessed was that Etho had been very absent this season, and unless the current events were directly affecting his plans, he had never been one for being up to date on server events. So BDubs should have guessed that Etho asking about cat food would only end in a bittersweet ending.

“So Beefers, you said something about your cat food getting a new recipe… What happened with the old recipe? Not up to snuff?”

“I will have you know that all my cat food is premium and delicious, and I will not have you slandering it in this way,” replied an overdramatic Beef. 

The nHo chuckled at his antics before Etho came back with, “Well if it wasn’t the quality then what was it? Now you have me intrigued.”

Beef shrugged. “I just wanted a cat food to really call my own is all.”

Etho gave him a look. “Wouldn’t the other cat food be yours too?”

“Well���” Beef looked deeply conflicted. BDubs decided to say it for him. “He was working for the Evil Emporium since he started to change into… I guess it’s an alien?”

Etho stilled at the name, and the rest of the group held their breaths. “Ah,” he replied, suddenly tight as a bowstring.

“Which is why I’m making a new brand of cat food, one which I’ll be selling from a shop near my base for diamonds,” soothed Beef, trying his best to keep Etho away from bad memories.

“I can see why you changed brands then,” replied Etho through a forced calm. He was not subtle in the least however. Bdubs wondered if the hurt in Etho's eyes was from the idea that his closest friend had supported the monster that had hurt him, or the idea that his friend would completely change his plans for the season due to one off script incident? Bdubs had a feeling it was definitely the former.

(BDubs had asked Xisuma after all was said and done if he remembered anything leading up to them being in front of the screen at his base. X had said the last thing he had remembered before that was meeting up with EvilX to discuss business strategies before blacking out after their customary greetings. He explained it had happened before, but he had somehow never thought much of the memory gaps. However, he agreed with the rest of the Hermits that had talked with him about it that it was a problem that would need to be investigated because it sounded like mind control. And a player that could control the server admin was a force too powerful to allow free. Or at the very least, a player that needed to have some very hard limits as to what they could do placed upon them.)

“You know, Etho, have you been ok?” asked Doc hesitantly. BDubs hoped that Doc knew what he was doing, because Bdubs was definitely lost.

Etho looked a bit like a cornered animal at the moment as he looked between the 3 of them like they had betrayed him. “Yeah? Why wouldn't I be?”

Doc gave him a look that BDubs thought was completely justified. “Etho, you went through an incredibly traumatic experience only a week or so ago. It is completely fine if you aren't doing ok.”

Etho sighed. “And what would you even do if I wasn't ok?”

Doc gave a hissy whine and moved from where he had been situated to sit close beside Etho. “Well, we'd figure out what we can do to make it a little closer to being ok.” He looked down at his lap. “I know I've been struggling with sleep recently, so I understand at least if you aren't sleeping either.” Etho looked vaguely stricken.

“You were part of the group that was watching, weren't you?” BDubs watched as Etho began to close off. Doc just nodded miserably. “And the two of you?”

BDubs felt gutted, knowing that Etho either didn't remember him breaking in to save him and holding his hand; or was purposefully ignoring the memory. “I stopped you from drowning more by blocking up the source block...” muttered Beef, looking pretty hurt himself.

“I found your enclosure and got the search party together to come finish breaking you out; and was there next to Beef when he was saving you,” finished Bdubs, a bit more of the hurt shining through because he couldn't hold a poker face even if his life depended on it. But also, Etho needed to see that he wasn't alone, in a lot of ways.

Etho looked appropriately chastised, if also incredibly grateful. “Thank you, all of you.” He leaned lightly into Doc's shoulder; the most affection he would normally show to anyone. “I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you 3, so thank you. Thank you so much.” They all politely ignored the sniffling coming from behind the mask, though Beef situated himself on Etho’s other side, and BDubs decided to try and strategically place himself on the floor in front of Beef so that if Etho wanted to lean a leg against him, he could. BDubs was so tempted to drape himself over Etho’s legs, but he had a sneaking suspicion that Etho probably wouldn’t handle being immobile in a sitting position well for the foreseeable future. However he was vindicated when his hair was playfully ruffled by an Etho hand as the 4 of them devolved into just sitting with each other. 

BDubs should have guessed that Etho wouldn’t stay down long however, as Etho (after inconspicuously wiping the corners of his eyes dry) said, “so, who wants to help me prank the Boatem Crew?” BDubs could feel the devious smile creeping across his face.

“Now you’re speaking my language Canada boy!” Etho wheezed a quiet laugh above him. 

“You sure you want to be slinging that kind of slander at me short stuff?”

“SHORT STUFF?!?!” BDubs got up in a huff. “I’LL SHOW YOU SHORT STUFF, YOU DAMN BEAN POLE!” Beef, Etho, and Doc all burst into chuckles, leaning into the couch as they tried to get themselves under control. “YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY, DO YOU? Ooooooh, you are all playing a dangerous game!”

Etho and Doc proceeded to laugh harder, leaning against each other. “What are you going to do BDubs, bite our ankles?” asked Beef before breaking down laughing again. 

“I’LL BITE YOUR ANKLES JUST WATCH ME!” and with that, BDubs was all over Beef, trying to get a solid shoulder punch in, but being thwarted at every turn. A stray punch at Doc, and suddenly everyone but Etho was rolling around the floor trying to playfully murder each other. Etho wheezed in laughter at their antics, and expertly avoided getting added into their mischief by eventually hopping up a ladder to the next floor and watching from the opening.

Eventually they managed to settle down, and by the time they had gathered themselves enough, it was night time. BDubs, with a lighter heart than when he had let in all his friends earlier in the day, said goodbye to them with promises that if Etho really was serious about pranking the Boatem Crew, the nHo would be right by his side. They left one by one, first Doc (who complained that he was already behind schedule on his build), then Beef (who playfully recommended Etho come help him run his shop if he wasn’t too busy helping Iskall dye prismarine), and lastly Etho. But before Etho departed, he said, “you know, I already thanked you, but I feel I should do it again.” He met BDubs’ gaze. “Thank you so much for finding me. I don’t know how that would have ended if you hadn’t caught sight of that place”. 

BDubs was humbled by Etho’s gratitude, though he still replied with, “You’re my friend Etho, of course I would give it my all to find you. I’m just happy we were able to do so before it was too late. And if you ever need to get away from it all, it’s pretty nice out here once you get past all the big eyes.”

Etho wheezed a chuckle in response, a hidden smile brightening up the corners of his eyes. “Sure, I’ll keep that in mind. You take care of yourself now, you hear? I don’t want to be hearing of too many shenanigans from you, ok?”

BDubs laughed in response, and nodded. “Can do! And you do the same, ok?” He let the humor drain a bit, a more serious tone shining through. “If things get bad, please let someone know. Doc knows what happened, and he would be able to tell you who else was there that you could talk to if you needed it.”

Etho nodded. “Yeah, yeah. If it gets bad I always have Iskall and you guys.” Etho glanced at a clock in his inventory. “Looks like I should be off. If I start now, I should be able to get back before sunrise.” Etho waved goodbye as he turned to go.

“Stay safe! I’ll see you around then,” called out BDubs as he watched Etho quickly jog to the nearest source of water. Then, once acquired, he flew with the flick of his trident, starting his way back to the nether portal so as to make it back to his base safely.

BDubs went to bed that night content knowing that if Etho ever needed the help, he knew who he could reach out to.

-fin-

[saxxxology]

alpha, (beta), omega, delta dynamics

*this document is a work in progress - all theories here are my own. if you have any questions or want to know more about the a/b/o/d universe I’ve created for the purpose of my own a/b/o/d stories, shoot me an ask :)

If you source any traits from here (including Delta stuff) in your own writing, PLEASE credit and link to this post!

FEMALE - Alpha females are often extremely noticeable - being taller and stronger than other females. Like Omega males, they account for a small percentage of the population, 2%.

General health: Like the males, female Alphas are generally extremely healthy. Most presentations occur slightly later, between the ages of 20-24. Also like their male counterparts, a presentation is characterized by the first rut. Alpha females are extremely prone to rut fever, and more often than not need an Omega with them during the first cycle.

Rut: Ruts are annual and last an average of 2 days, but cycles don’t conform to fit those of their mate. Symptoms of a rut are: high aggression (general), stress/anxiety, fever, a need to mate, and cramping in the lower abdomen.

Reproduction: Female Alphas are fertile, but conception with another Alpha or Beta is unlikely. They bear a type of “knot” in the vaginal canal, which locks around a mate’s shaft during intercourse. A pregnancy lasts around 9 months, as a Beta’s does. If pregnancy is achieved, an Alpha female will often seclude herself alone during the first few months.

MALE - Alpha males account for approximately 30% of all male births. They are often born a little larger and heavier than Beta/Omega/Delta babies, and it’s easy to pre-determine a presentation as they remain bigger and stronger than others as they grow.  

General health: Alphas have extremely advanced immune systems. Most presentations occur between the ages of 18-20. A presentation is characterized by the first rut, where an Alpha male is most vulnerable to illness. Most Alphas can pass through their first rut without an Omega to mate with, but rut fever can happen if the rut lasts longer than a week.

Rut: Ruts are bi-annual and last an average of 3 days, and cycles can shift to fit the cycle of a partner. Symptoms of a rut are: high aggression (towards other Alphas), fever, and an insatiable need to mate.

Reproduction: Alphas are extremely fertile during a rut. They can occasionally experience multiple “spontaneous” orgasms even after knotting, which only increases the likelihood of conception. They remain extremely protective of their mates during pregnancy and after the birth of a pup, often settle down with their mates for the first several weeks to bond.

FEMALE - Female Omegas account for approximately 20% of all female births. They are often a little smaller, ranging from 5’0 to 5’6, but can become quite tall if one or both parents is above average height. Their behavior is similar to that of a Beta’s, but their heat cycles can affect how they react to others.

General health: Omegas have a very good immune system. They can fight off most infections and heal from wounds without complications. 

Heats: Omegas present between the ages of 16-18. They go through two or three heats a year, which can become high-risk or fatal if not alleviated by an Alpha after ten consecutive cycles. Omegas can become sick from heat fever, but the condition is rarely fatal.

Reproduction: During a heat, the Omega’s vagina swells and elongates, allowing for a bigger Alpha to penetrate comfortably. Omegas can reproduce quicker than Betas, and the postpartum recovery time is similar to that of a Delta’s - approximately 1-2 weeks. Single pups are most common, with twins and triplets having a smaller birth percentage. 

MALE - Male Omegas account for just 5% of all male births. Their low count is due to the Omega gene being present only in females unless a case of inbreeding happens between Alphas and Omegas (example: during the Middle Ages and Renaissance, royal family members would marry and reproduce), when a mutation in the gene can cause a male offspring to present and then pass the gene down (this mutation can skip generations). Physically, they appear as a Beta, but their behavior is naturally very submissive to their Alphas, and they are viciously protective over their partners and offspring. 

General health: Unlike a female Omega, males go through illnesses and recover from injuries similar to average Betas. Their mental health can also suffer, due to the social stigma surrounding male Omegas, and rejection from potential mates they have latched onto (with or without reciprocation) often leads to Broken Bond Syndrome.

Heats: They present between the ages of 16-18. They go through only one heat a year, which can quickly become high-risk if not alleviated by a mate. Male Omegas are incredibly prone to heat fever, which can quickly become fatal. 

Reproduction: They are not particularly fertile, given that their gender is predetermined to affect only females. If they mate with an Alpha female and engage in a successful heat/rut copulation, they have a higher chance of producing offspring, but can also pass down any health issues or genetic mutations that exist.

Deltas account for 1 in 5,000 female births. They are born exceptionally small and remain so throughout their life - the tallest Deltas range from 5’3 to 5’6 when fully grown. The birth of a Delta can be confirmed by performing a DNA test to source the appropriate genes. They are naturally shy and timid, making them easy targets for predatory Alphas and even Betas, and remain extremely loyal to their mates and children. 

Due to their rarity and breeding ease, Deltas are marked from birth with a 5-digit number, rather than a given name (format: D-#####). Their families or partners can choose a nickname to call them by, but on all legal forms, they are known for their registered number. The numbers are also used to log how many offspring a Delta produces.

General health: Deltas have advanced immune systems. They can fight off common illnesses (colds, flu, etc.) easily and recover from most invasive surgeries within days. They can live easily into their nineties and longer, if healthy. Cancer is least likely to affect a Delta and most symptoms are caught in the first stage.

Heats: Deltas present early, between the ages of 16-18. Like Omegas, they experience two heats every year, but they are considerably more intense and painful when not alleviated and become high-risk and fatal between the ages of 23-26. Unmated Deltas can die from heat fever if they fail to mate with an Alpha in time.

Reproduction: Deltas can produce pups extremely fast. They heal from childbirth considerably faster than other females (approximately 1-2 weeks), and are even more fertile when in heat, with conception during unprotected heat/rut mating being almost 100%. During heat, their cervixes dilate to allow an Alpha to penetrate and ejaculate directly into their womb to ensure conception. Their gestation is quicker than an Omegas, with pups going from conception to birth within six months. Twins are common, with only 60% of births being single pups. Methods of birth control are available to combat overpopulation, but it isn’t uncommon for an Alpha/Delta pair to produce at least five children.

Heat fever: A non-contagious condition among Omegas and Deltas brought on by a heat that hasn’t been managed properly through mating with an Alpha. Symptoms include: fever, aches and pains, and nausea, with eventual death being brought on via excessive dehydration and cardiac stress. In Omegas, it can be prevented through the use of prescribed suppressants. A Delta’s mortality rate skyrockets within the first 5-7 years of them presenting.

Rut fever: A condition among Alphas similar to heat fever. Like heat fever, symptoms include: fever, aches and pains, and nausea, but it can also lead to hostility and aggression. Unlike heat fever, rut fever can’t be prevented with suppressants and can only be cured through mating. Repetitive exposure to the fever can lead to a loss of fertility and even death due to cardiac stress.

Broken Bond Syndrome & Final Sleep: A fatal occurrence in Alphas, Omegas, and Deltas that is brought on by the death of a mate. The grief of a mate’s death leads to depression and eventual inability to wake up from an unconscious state (mated partners essentially go to sleep and pass away without waking up again).