#but also im adhd and never got on the right dose of adhd meds

[skadream]

"YOURE NOT REALLY AUTISTIC YOU JUST DIAGNOSED YOURSELF ON TIKTOK"

um get your facts straight i self diagnosed on tumblr 🙄

[filamints]

gordon: 1, 10, 14. tommy: 20, 48. benrey: 36

this is so so so fucking LONG IM SORRY i just got excited to talk so now i wont shut up. it will be readmore'd to save ur dash

gordon:

1) What does their bedroom look like? Like a shithole, mostly. All his life, its always been too cluttered with junk in a haphazard stack of piles. If he lives in one place too long, eventually every inch of wall space gets coatings of posters and papers and sticky notes. Its overwhelming visual stimulus.

Take his tendency for all those behaviors, and mix them with post-canon agoraphobia and depression, and the stacks of magazines and games get stacks of garbage on top. Door dashed takeout containers pile up, endless empty bottles of beer and bottom shelf vodka, bags get stacked in towers by the door for when he get brave enough to leave his apartment to sprint to the dumpsters (not nearly often enough).

The apartment he's currently is was only supposed to be short term, off site housing set up by Black Mesa before the new compound dorm/apartments were finished and he could move there. He at least started with a pretty clean apartment fresh from that move, so most of the current mess is honestly just nesting in depression trash now that his next move has been obliterated off the face of the earth. The only thing different about his bedroom vs the rest of the house is that's the room with the bed in it, a box spring and mattress directly on the floor, the frame leaning against a wall behind unpacked boxes, never assembled. Pull yourself together, man. (This will happen eventually at least)

vv More below because all of my answers are this long. vv

10) Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such? CHRIST hes got brain problems. He has had ADHD all of his life of course. Hes also has anxiety & depression, look at him. Hes aware of those at least. The one hes not aware of, at least preResCas, is bipolar disorder. ADHD was an easy diagnosis as a kid, visible from the outside. The anxiety & depression troughs are what made him seek out meds in college. But it can be hard to see the bipolar cycles from the inside, especially with the neat and easy depression diagnosis right there obscuring half of it. He just thinks every time he hits his unstoppable stride that hes 100% over his shit and hes gonna get better and hes fucking unkillable untouchable unstoppable.

And then he falls off a fucking cliff and he can look back and beat himself to shit that he should have known better, this happens every time and this time the hell is just gonna last forever as punishment. Repeat for a good decade of his life.

Post canon, add that agoraphobia mentioned before here, as well as a good dose of PTSD. Between being tracked by the military, every time hes seen the fucking sky for the duration of canon he will shortly have bullets or missiles raining down on him, and general paranoia that he is still a wanted man, 'going outside' is just too much. (He even states in canon that he has ptsd from the grenades and even soda cans look too similar and freak him out lol) I feel like he would also be very anxious about the dark after Black Mesa. He had been sleeping in random rooms still brightly lit, and the dark was always bad news with the most heavily damaged sections of the compound + he got his hand literally cut off in the dark. He has to go pussy mode and sleep with lights on or nightlights at least and he will beat himself up about being a child for it endlessly. Speaking of that incident again, grabbing or restraining his right arm will also send him into a meltdown. This is a fun fact that he will learn about only in the most embarrassing bedroom meltdown over toy handcuffs.

14) Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.) And on the non-mental end, theres the hand. Although reattached to his body, its still not perfect. Most days its not too bad, a bit slower and less sensitive. But sometimes it acts up, pins and needles, weird aches, grip strength weakness, a kind of lag in input that leaves him dropping things or breaking them. Particularly at night, it tends to hurt. Touching the skin around and on the reattachment scar really skeeves him out for a long while, the location of physical touch doesn't quite map with where his brain thinks it should be, like his nerve map is slightly to the left of where it all should be.

tommy:

20) Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them? Not an illness persay but it did take quite a while for him to get the autism diagnosis. A lot of the symptoms that stand out at weird in boychilds get glossed over in girlchild, not speaking is just 'being shy', the tiptoe walk is just 'high heels walking', etc. Especially as a girlchild in the foster care system. It wasn't until like, late middle school that was figured out when the social aspects and meltdowns made paying attention to the symptoms inevitable, looking back it was Very Obvious.

48) How do they express love? Certainly not verbally, lol. If we are going by the typical love language categories, its more on the 'quality time' side. He's the type to like parallel play type activities. There's also gifts, but its food gifts 90% of the time. Very good at memorizing people's preferred orders at any given restaurant or coffee place and will pick you up your favorite treat. :)

benrey:

36) What makes them feel guilty? Not gonna lie, he's very hard to make feel guilty on account that he doesn't view most of what he does as either wrong or at least not his fault. I think it takes up until the boss battle for him to even get he did something wrong and feel bad about it. Because it was unintended, there really wasn't any guilt for him. I think to make him feel guilt, whatever he does would have to have a very visible and understandable detriment to someone he cares about, and if you want him to feel guilty without telling him why he SHOULD be, his involvement better be obvious.

It seems funny, but i think he would have a lot more genuine guilt over something simple and cause/effect like knocking over and breaking a glass or eating someone else's food in the communal fridge as opposed to something more abstract, like someone getting hurt as a consequence of something else that he did but genuinely thought was harmless.

[godlovesmemore]

a d d e r a l l & I got high driving again.

did not get pulled over by police. took more then last time but was more careful/safe — besides popping them while driving. was it cool? no but theres the rush when it feels illegal. i spaced them all out and thought about each one. the first one was genuinely because i was due for one and i forgot to take it before i started driving. that one was legal.

on the second one i knew it was more than necessary. i questioned my motives — is this my addiction talking ? its me and yes both are true. i also felt in my heart god said its ok to go ahead so i didn’t question the gut instinct. by this I mean it was a calling to do it and not a want of my own, my want comes after from curiosity, the pull where will this pill (direction) lead this time, good or bad? if i know its gods call i should take it, trust, break the law. if you’re not sure ask permission. be sure god says its ok, not yourself. then it’ll work out

By the time i took the 3x i was lost at some deadend — and thought wouldn’t this be a perfect place to pop a final one — my gut reaction (addiction) says take another — I wonder is it ok god? whatever the fuck you wanna do; god says — he’ll get high too. Update hours later. its 10pm and i just took another even though god said no. free will? actually it’s the opposite = addiction

edit

i just got home from seeing family, took a 2 hour long car ride in the country. trying to find god, reasons to live. reconnect by drowning out my feelings with bass music. i needed to decompress, so did some recreational drugs, slightly testing to see the effects going over the prescribed dose. its difficult to tell how it affects you unless your actually doing something (driving) so 3x in one hour and id say im feeling like i took a small dose of xanax — adhd meds really do calm me but its the mania = my addiction. if you’ve never done manic before you’ll just never know the high. i couldn’t sleep the past 2 days now and i haven’t eaten but i hope i can get real sleep tonight. new rule never exceed 6 pills in a day and try to stay below 4 — im only ordered 2x a day

5x today total i need to order more pills tomorrow

—feeling a come down from the last tab at 10 pm. this mania is truly tired out i hope she’ll still be with me tomorrow. mania must have just started today, honestly right when driving home. i guess something about leaving my familys house triggered it. id been feeling mad depressed lately. last night i felt so worthless deep down in my core. it was right there like i could hold onto it. yet ive managed to have my pills under control pretty much since being pulled over. yea nobody wants me manic—but its the only time i ever want to be alive. if you cant love me manic you dont get to know about my medication usage either. remember next time always hide mania from everybody — never trust anyone close to you but god

Im in bed right now, almost 1 a m — with bipolar i fear feeling better (moments like these) ill fear this moment because feeling better is probably gone tomorrow. so we stay awake, dont eat or sleep because maybe ill get another day with myself — the best part of me — a lovable me. i will remain sober from drugs. jesus help me i cannot go on with this life soberminded.

medicine is safe — its clean, im prescribed it. so what if i found the magic pill to become manic when it suits me: life fucking hacked.

[justsomefluff]

Hi I have ADHD and sometimes I forget to take my meds which makes me quite hyper, can you do a reaction with ateez where you forgot to take your medicine and is really hyper?

Guess who’s back-back-back again-gain-gain...After a long time because im lazy lmaoooo. Here it is, thank you for being patient my dearest. and please do take your meds its important <3 Keep yourself happy and healthy always anon

ALSO, i do not have ADHD so this is just based off of what I have been told about it or how friends who DO have it have explained things to me. If i offend or misrepresent ANYTHING please let me know. I tried to write this pretty neutrally without a lot of detail on the actual disorder.

Hongjoong:

Kind of oblivious at first

Like “oh they’re a lil fidgety today”

But as the day goes on he’s like

“something is amiss”

You’re moving all over the place, being a lil chatterbox

And he’s gettin a lil suspicious

“Heyyyyyyy,” pretty much clotheslines you as you speed through different rooms because you won’t (read: cant) STOP

“Did yooooouuuuu… take your meds?” 

Smiley face. Wink. “No.”

Immediate understands

But begs you to take your medication because you sometimes get embarrassed of your hyperactivity later

Like you feel like you were annoying him or something 

and he assures you that you weren’t bothering him, but anxiety be like that so, ya know

Just doesn’t want you to overtire yourself or feel bad late

Seonghwa:

Overprotective

Always asks you if you took your meds in the morning

Likes a routine and wants to make sure youre always happy and healthy

But if he oversleeps and gets thrown off

And therefore does not remind you to take your medicine…

Freaks out a lil

Mini heart attack

Mostly feels bad because he feels responsible

How could he forget to take care of you this way?

Then you have to expend all your extra energy assuring him that even you forget sometimes 

But then he starts setting reminders in both of your phones

Will even text you when he’s away for work uwu

Best of intentions…low-key a nag… but Mama Hwa

Yunho: 

Will lowkey bask in your hyperactivity

Like AYYYYYYYY

Like he knows its important for you to take your medication but…

Every once in a while he finds it kind of fun

Will take you to dance practice with him even if its his day off

Thinks it will be the only time you will commit to learning an entire choreo with him lmaooooo

Also kind of lets himself go a little bit

Like lets spend the day being crackheads and just expend all of our energy

And then cuddle at the end of the night when, inevitably, we are too exhausted to move

Loves that he gets to see that side of you and gets to share in good memories like those

But still reminds you to take your medicine the day after

Yeosang:

(he’s so cute im over here sobbing)

Honestly, I see him being the slightest bit overwhelmed by it

Like have you seen him when Wooyoung gets hyper

he’s like Whoa, child

Wants to calm you down ever so slightly

Like “be gentle with me, I am but a child”

But will still laugh at your antics

Of course, he loves every part of you

Everything can just kind of be too much for him sometimes lmao

Will take you places and do activities with you until you are both worn out

Will make you take care of him the rest of the night and tease you

Like “look what I have to put up with. You made me walk so much today”

But its gentle and sweet at the same time

San:

Thinks its funny but is actually concerned on the inside

Kind of worried that you might hurt yourself while youre speeding around

Tries to convince you not to wait until tomorrow to take the next dose

Follows you around just waiting to catch you if you slip

Damn near wraps you in bubble wrap when you stub your toe

Like, San… “I can still function, sir”

“But you stubbed your toe”

“Everyone does that sometimes”

Starts to calm down when he realizes that you really are gonna be okay, you’re just going to experience the day a little bit quicker than normal

Twice the speed of the average human

Speedy, he calls you

Squirrel comparisons on the way

Mingi:

Why do I feel like he wouldn’t even notice lmao

He’d just be like “wow, they have a lot of energy today”

Goes about the day normally

At the end of the day, you tell him about everything that you were able to get done

Whether its work, school, cleaning, errands, binging a TV series, or ALL of the above

And he’s like… “how”

And you’re like, well let me tell you about the lil thing I forgot to do this morning

Clueless lmao… “What did you forget?”

“Mah meds.”

“Ohhhhh…”

Then he tries to understand how you managed to do all of those things without your meds

And you’re like… I probably half-assed them but

At least they’re done!

Wooyoung:

Just makes fun of you the whole time

Like lets be real

He’s hyper on his own

And loves seeing you that way because he can relate to it

Also, you do some stuff that might not be the smartest because you’ve got so much energy to expend

“DONT SLIDE DOWN THE HALL IN SOCKS”

Laughs when you fall

Joins you though because, while mildly dangerous…

Looks fun

Never lets you get self-conscious about anything because he is really good at matching your energy the whole day

Is awesome at just letting you work through the day at the pace you feel is right

Somehow manages to keep up with you the entire time, no matter how hard it can be sometimes

Jongho:

Another one who is a little bit overwhelmed

Kind of shy and introverted and quiet in general

So if you get super-duper talkative and loud he might be kind of thrown off his game

Like how do I handle this

How do I be the best boyfriend during this

Overthin-King

Just internally debating whether he should tell you to take your meds, join in on your activities, or just let you ride out the hyperactivity on your own

Spends the entire day thinking about it’

Ends up letting you just do your thing on your own… not that he decided that was the best option

He was just too busy thinking about it to actually make a decision lmao

[j-bar]

Perhaps I do have ADHD?

The past few days, week really. For the first time in over a decade, I have started to accept the fact that I may in fact actually have ADHD. I had a really bad experience with meds as a kid and so I have always been a bit afraid of medication that can alter your mind. Also growing up I was never really willing to acknowledge the fact I might have ADHD. Although it turns out when I was a kid I was in fact diagnosed by a doctor and that was why I was put on meds for a very short time (its a long story so I wont waist ppls time right now). Now its possible that I was just misdiagnosed, in fact my mother thinks I suffer from some other disorder one im not comfortable with talking about. But since learning this fact its been on my mind and I recently started learning more about ADHD and what it actually dose both to kids and to adults with ADHD. And to put it simply what ive learn so far has been eye opening and incredibly relatable. So much so that I want to try and get re-diagnosed and talk to a doctor about taking medication, despite my small fear of that type of medication, I actually just got medical insurance this month, for the first time in my adult life, so I can actually afford to go to a doctor. There's other important health problems I need to deal with, mostly physical, but im hoping I can try and find a way to “fix” my mind and in turn “fix” my self/life. Idk I just felt the need to type my thoughts out.

[infiniteglitterfall]

Hi! I have atypical autism and I’m having trouble at work. I feel like no work place is working out for me because of my diagnosis. I’m uncomfortable around my colleagues, I’m quiet, I don’t know when to speak or what to say etc. I’m sad, mad and frustrated that this ruins every work place for me and I don’t know what job would fit me. I’ve never told my bosses that I have atypical autism and I don’t want to do it either. I want advice on what I should do

this is a great question!  I didn’t know what atypical autism was, but I googled it and it sounds like  they came up with this because they can’t call it asperger’s anymore? “a subthreshold diagnosis, presenting with some symptoms of autism but insufficient to meet criteria for a diagnosis of childhood autism (or autistic disorder). Alternatively, atypical autism can be diagnosed when there is a late onset of symptomatology.” Aka DDNOS, apparently.  From my perspective, it doesn’t sound different from any other autistic experience. FWIW. I think they tend to base their diagnostic labels more on how we seem from the outside than what our experiences really are. just my onion It sounds like you’re struggling with social anxiety, in that special vicious-cycle kind of way where not knowing how to interact with people makes you more anxious, and that makes it harder to interact with them, which makes you more anxious....?  The nice thing about vicious cycles is that you only have to knock out part of the cycle to make the whole thing fall apart. Like: if you didn’t feel anxious about not knowing when to speak or what to say, it would be easier to figure out when to speak or what to say. Which, in turn, would give you less reason to feel anxious about it, et cetera.  Or, if you knew what to say to them and how to hit it off, you would have fewer triggers for your anxiety, which would then make it easier to.... you get the idea.  There are a lot of things that help with social anxiety. I am going to give a shout-out to medication, first of all. There are a lot of life hacks and therapeutic techniques that help a lot. And for yeeeeeaaaars, I didn’t realize that I really had anxiety, and also, thought that I “should” see if I could manage anything myself before “resorting to” meds.  Turns out, medication saves me a TON of spoons, which I was previously using to “manage” depression, anxiety, and ADHD. You would not BELIEVE how much more energy and just general functionality I had when I finally got my meds right. OMFG.  It can be a pain in the ass to find the right medication, especially if it means first having to find a medical practitioner that can help you and then having to explain the situation. Sometimes you find something that helps you right away. Sometimes you have to try different things to find something that works well enough. Sometimes you get the fun of “doesn’t work for me AND has bad side effects for me.” (OTOH, when looking at side effects, always remember that you might not get any of the side effects.)  IMHO, the hardest part of finding the right medication is that a lot of practitioners don’t know how to track whether it’s helping you or not. Or whether it’s helping ENOUGH. Like: I got on anxiety meds that were starting to help, but which were making my ADHD meds not work.  I tried a bunch of other things, and finally got Vyvanse to work for my ADHD. But I managed to FORGET that my anxiety meds weren’t doing anything, for a full year, until things got really bad and I was like “wait a minute... these should be helping????” And I did some research, accidentally found a competent psychiatrist, and found that Cymbalta worked for me... but even then, if I hadn’t found decent tools for assessing if it was enough, I would’ve stopped at like half the dose I actually needed to be on.  This post is gonna be long as it is, so I’m gonna reblog to add different tools you can use to gauge what’s working, and which will help medical professionals understand what you’re experiencing. (Because tbh, they’re often just plain ignorant about this shit.)  You do not necessarily have to go to a psychiatrist to get medication for anxiety, social or otherwise! My partner’s OBGYN prescribed him depression meds. My family doctor was willing to prescribe stuff for depression and anxiety, but only if it was something that didn’t potentially interact with ADHD meds. My chosen brother’s doctor was asking EVERYBODY, after the 2016 election, how they were doing and if they needed depression/anxiety meds. (And they’re in North Carolina!) He had never really thought about it before, and in fact, when he started taking them, his social anxiety got so much better that he was doing shit like going back into the store to tell them they’d given him too much change. He was the one who got me to think about taking them. He had a little kid, and he was like, "I’m doing this for my family.”  Ok, medication aside:  Some kinds of therapy are really good for figuring out how to interact with people. I’ve been learning a lot about different modalities, and I would recommend finding someone who does what’s called “relational therapy” or “relational-cultural therapy.”  Basically, relational therapy is ALL about learning how to interact with people and have better relationships of all kinds. It’s very connected with issues of marginalization: people who are into relational therapy learn about how marginalization, and abuse, affect us and our relationships. Like, how we can internalize a ton of shame, just from being autistic and being devalued by the people around us. Even just from existing in a world that doesn’t value or understand how we communicate, and how we experience things.  And it’s really good for identifying that stuff, healing from the struggles of trying to interact with people, and learning how to relate to people in a way that works for you.  I found an organization that explains it pretty well (”Are you anxious when it comes to social situations like the workplace?... If we are depressed or anxious, inevitably it can be traced back to tension or breakdowns in relationships, or an inability to connect”), has a blog post in the sidebar called “Signs of Aspergers In Adults - Sound Familiar?” and apparently does therapy globally via Skype. I have never used them, I don’t know anything about them, I just googled “relational therapy” “online therapist.” (Shockingly, tho, that blog post not only links to one by an actually autistic person, but is very positive about autistic traits. I’m impressed so far. And I’m sure there are other options out there, too.) Lastly (as far as Things That I Personally Know Work go), I’ve gotten a LOT of recovery around social anxiety, and learned how to build relationships at work, from 12-step programs.  The reason it works for that, as far as I can tell, is:  • It’s a peer-led model, where everyone is equal. (this was huge to me, because I really struggled for a long time with feeling like everyone knew better than I did and had more of a right to talk about anything than I did, and therapy was a tough way to deal with things at that point because I saw the therapist as A Professional who’s In Charge.)  • There’s a lot of emphasis on the fact that the newcomer who just walked into the room has as much of a right to give input in a business meeting, or to volunteer to help out with something that doesn’t require specific experience, or to share what’s going on with them, as anybody else.  • Everybody there has gone through the same stuff as you, and anybody who’s helping you is showing you what worked for them, not what they were taught would work for people. That can be a pretty big difference, especially in terms of being able to relate to them and share personal things with them.  • Working the steps involves a lot of writing about your fears and resentments, and looking at, basically, what has and hasn’t worked for you, and why it hasn’t worked. Really, what you're doing there is seeing where you can reclaim your power. And then you deal with a lot of shame, and get to discover how much you’re like other people, and how much you’re equal to other people, and that you’re a good addition to the world. • You also connect with your intuition, when working the steps, and develop a better sense of what’s intuition and what’s fear/anxiety. That, and sharing in meetings, REALLY helped me get a sense of what to say to people and get comfortable saying things. (A lot of people shorthand what I’m calling “intuition” as “god,” but it’s very much supposed to be a nonreligious idea of “god.” and IME, it’s basically your intuition, whether your belief system says that’s god talking to you, or a psychological thing, or a mystical force, or what.)  Plus, 12-step stuff is free, which I’m very much in favor of lol. And most 12-step orgs have phone meetings and online meetings, so you don’t even have to go in person if that’s a barrier. (and in a phone meeting, they might not even know you’re there!) The tricky part can be figuring out which 12-step groups are good in your area and what might work for you. Because they range from Alcoholics Anonymous to, like... what’s the most obscure one I can think of? ARTS Anonymous, I guess. (it’s for artists who are stuck, it’s not saying art is an addiction)  But if you wanted to try 12-step for this, I would say that Emotions Anonymous is really good for dealing with all sorts of emotional and mental health stuff. (and holy shit, they have an app????) Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families has, iirc, a good book, (as well as all the meetings and whatnot) and most people probably qualify for that. If you have any experience with sexual assault, abuse, harassment, or being cheated on, COSA is good, and you end up working on all your other relationships and emotional stuff along the way. 

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[queernuck]

so, last night my dad got home with dinner, was being his usual somewhat odd self, was just generally acting like the asshole he tends to be and it was just kind of business as usual. Nothing out of the ordinary, just that he tends to be, well, an asshole. and that wasnt unexpected, he gets like that a lot, and i can deal with it.

yesterday, at some point, I realized that I probably need a refill on my clonazepam script, which I cant verify without asking, who always gets really bitchy about it, who makes sure that she makes it as demeaning and awful of an experience as possible to even talk about these things. she is very good at it, as well, and knows exactly what things to say to be insulting, to be vicious, to make me feel vulnerable and awful and more than anything just makes me feel worthless. and like, this is a routine thing for her, she takes whatever opportunities she can to make me feel this way and is very open about that. i have no idea if she realizes how miserable i am, and if she did then she would likely blame me, would yell at me about not responding to TMS or claim that I ruined its efficacy by doing drugs over the course of treatment (which is...more than a bit ridiculous) or just generally looking at me with contempt

by contrast, my dad at least makes some occasional attempts at reaching out, sometimes seems to have a sense of how much pain i am in, although not really accepting it in full, not really understanding it, not getting it. and last night was just another example of him not getting it, not understanding it. he specifically said that psych meds are apparently to help me get better, are not supposed to be things that you take long-term. which, well, that is something that I might argue in certain circumstances and in fact I want to be off of my SSRI because I feel it has not been helpful, I want to change ADHD meds to one that is a stimulant so that I get actual use out of it instead of it just being...whatever the fuck Strattera IS, as an incredibly expensive drug that has no real usefulness for me, and I want to stay ON Clonazepam because it is at least SOMETIMES helpful, and in fact would like to ADD another benzodiazepine like a high dose of Ativan or a decent prescription of Xanax so that I have something for acute anxiety as well as to treat the underlying and structurally-embedded anxiety I have so much trouble with.

but that is about my own personal needs, as well as an anti-psychiatric perspective that itself flows through being relatively familiar with psychiatry and how it works, how it feels to be in psychiatric care, how psychiatry abuses people. he, on the other hand, just doesnt take the meds hes prescribed because...thats just how he is. like, he doesnt take meds for his thyroid, or B12 despite having an absolutely AWFUL memory, like a fucking ATROCIOUS memory, and has never done anything about likely having ADHD. he just does not give a shit, he just has a perspective on meds that is more than a little bit absurd, and he is proud to impose that on me, too!

and so when I was asking about my clonazepam prescription, how many I had left, kind of anxious because all of a sudden I had fixated on worrying that I maybe didnt have enough, that I maybe would run out, so on, so I asked him to make sure that I had enough for the next few days. I asked this in the evening, after dinner, because I hoped that he would be able to check for me without needing to ask my mom, who would then use it as an opportunity to chastise me or scorn me or whatever. and he was deflecting and asking why I need to know and just generally being obstinate and awful and a fucking asshole, and then he told me to just go downstairs, like as a kind of “go to your room”-esque statement.

and he got mad enough that he was banging his fucking fist on the table, which was terrifying! i was genuinely scared and I wanted to get the fuck out of there so I tried to bolt, pissed and scared and just in an awful fucking mood, and he got mad at me for that too, for storming off when he was the one who was escalating shit.

and then, after all of that, he guilts me into listening to him go on about the mistakes he’s made with me, the ways that he made mistakes more generally, all of that. he said that the biggest mistake he ever made was sending me off to college at Trinity, and like, I don’t know if he meant that in the sense of not making me go to a school that gave me money, or if he thought sending me off to college as a WHOLE is something that he never should have done, or if this or that or the other thing was like, a mistake. I genuinely have no idea. I know that he also said something about it being a mistake to have let me work on a political campaign and that the nastiness of an electoral campaign was awful and that like, I think he was implying that it was what moved me to the left and as a result bad things happened? Im not really sure on that. Im not sure him or my mother realize that like, the beginning of my own major depression, the beginning of the turn that lead to the lows I’ve had since began while I was at school and just kept on getting worse, I have no clue. I do know that they blame me for it, I know they think I just haven’t worked hard enough.

And now I’m here. I’m sad. I’m real fucking sad. I’m lonely. I feel worthless. I feel like an awful person. I also want to get right back to doing the exact sort of things that my parents think make me an awful person! like, I really want some fucking heroin or some coke right now. I really have trouble dealing with the world while im sober, i really hate being forced into sobriety through this, through my parents taking my ID, taking my paychecks, making it so that the only places I go are my workplace and home. I hate it, I fucking hate it and I am so tired of it, so fucking TIRED, that I legitimately want to off myself but am at such a low place that I can hardly even think about figuring out how to go about doing that, how to make it so that I at least can have a glimmer of hope, one last moment of “wow, I at least did some cool things” before I go so that I can feel as if I’m leaving meaningfully.

theyre keeping me relatively close to the sobriety they want but they are doing it by making my life fucking miserable, by making it so that I have to struggle, so that I am basically being hung out unsympathetically to dry. next weekend, while she visits my siblings down in DC, my mom is going to be taking part in a walk against addiction held by a foundation that has been embraced by my aunt after her son, my cousin, died of an OD after a relapse. my mom is a former nurse, and is a fucking unsympathetic person when it comes to addiction and substance abuse. she seems to have no understanding of why people resort to using drugs, she has been mocking and patronizing when talking about my own drug use, and always looks at it in the most awful terms possible. but that’s just who she is, that’s just how my dad is, all of this is where I am stuck right now.

i want to be fucking out.

[teddy-feathers]

got a prescription for idk low dose blood pressure meds thats supposed to turn my anxiety into focus and ill be checking in on that in 2 weeks and getting a shrink appointment in the meantime

self test for adhd came back positive- she didnt tell me what that was and then showed me - and idk some other lady is going to tackle my brain problems

"it sounds like your aunt was emotionally abusive" like yeah i know but also im not an unbias source... still calling it a win though cause im petty

im tired because 2 hours of sleep and i WILL be crashing soon but im also agitated to fuck. i WASNT anxious but i was acting like it and then by the time i left i was sticking on things and on the way home i was lost and just repeating things but i got the pills took one and im eating and put my laundry in and im going to sleep soon...

ive never been on meds for something like this but she said kids are put on this and the only real side effect is dizziness so like that seems manageable. she said give it a week to decided if its working

i dont know if i want the pills for the right reasons - idk if i even want the pills i just want to be able to function so i can keep this job everything else is secondary right now.

i want to sleep but also not the pill is supposed to be taken an hour before bed so here i am eating chips and maybe if im good my brain will let me refill my water

[okamigekidoo]

A life update for everyone that I would normally post on deviantart, but I'm not bc I'm on mobile, the app sucks, and I dont feel like struggling with the chrome mobile interface with the new DA layout. So later I will just copy paste this to there!

Anyway, as ppl who follow my twitter know, I've started going back to therapy! I actually go again tmmrw lmao. Its helping a lot, and I'm trying my best!

I'm also still waiting for my full diagnosis sheet, but I do have manic episodes, (somewhat minor) OCD, and a few other things. Im not sure if I mentioned I've been diagnosed with Dysthymia and Depersonalization/Derealization disorder, to my DA followers. Dysthymia diagnosis might change due to my mania and impulsive s*icidal tendencies, though. Not sure on that one yet!

I also dont remember If i mentioned I've started ADHD meds. Which, are helping, depending on if I take them at the right time, for me. Adhd and mania do NOT go well together. At all. But speaking of, today I got my anti psychotics.

I'm somewhat nervous, but if it will help I'm basically willing to do anything at this point. It's a sedative that will hopefully stop my manic episodes from being so bad and calm my impulsiveness down. Like I've been saying, I've been working my crack off to get myself under control.

I've gotten to where I write down random thoughts I get, and hope to share them with my therapist, if I dont chicken out. And, hes trying to teach me how to appropriately read people and calm my paranoia with everyone any everything.

My anti-depressants are taken in 40mg doses twice a day, and my anti anxiety ones are 10mg twice a day (because for some reason all anti anxiety meds make my chest hurt so I'm not able to take a big dose without going into crazy pain, no matter the type of anti anxiety med it is)

I'm having a lot of trouble staying awake. My family is upset because I'm sleeping 15-20 hours, and not getting up. I'm unmoativated, uninterested, and frankly just really dont care to do anything other than blabber on social media (because I guess I dont have to get out of bed for that).

It's really hard to be in this "condition", I guess, but this year has sucked absolute ass. I guess i can give myself that, as comfort. Ive been doing the best i possibly can and honestly i feel like things will never get better. But again, I'm trying.

I'm talking to a girl that I seem to get along with, trying to make a new friend! She seems super nice and we chat back and forth on telegram. (Also did i mention how cool telegram is with its custom backgrounds? It's pretty epic)

Now, I'm not gonna lie. I'm tired as all heck rn. Its 7pm and it is my bedtime, personally. I'm too tired to want to stay awake anymore.

Gonna take my meds then hopefully hit the hay.

[star-anise]

I'm in my last year of undergrad and I feel like everything has gone to shit. The past year and a half have been awful, i have depression, anxiety and im almost positive i have ADHD too. I feel like such a piece of shit because I keep asking for the extensions on projects and exams, and I'm afraid I'm gonna be this way forever. Sorry this is a lot but do you have any advice on how to take the first step in digging myself out of this hole ive created?

Okay, so it seems like you came in via this post. That’s pretty much my philosophy here. I don’t know if you’re gonna “be this way forever” or not--I know I will probably be the way I am (depressed, anxious, with ADHD) forever, but that isn’t necessarily the same as being a trash disaster on academic probation forever.

I’ll be honest, I kind of feel like after a year and a half, you’re kind of an expert on what you can do with two hands and a shovel. You’ve been digging yourself out as fast as you can, and it’s been a real struggle. I think it’s time for you to get actual help, as in, other people. Reaching out to me was a good first step. I can help you decide where to go from here.   

Keep it simple and take it slow. If you don’t know where to find any of this stuff, feel free to private message me your school’s website; I have a minor knack for reading organizational structures.

For the next week, pick ONE OR TWO of the following options. Even if they’re all good ideas, keep your goals manageable. And then, of those one or two, pick one or two SMALL ACTIONS you can do to pursue them, like looking up a number in your student handbook or making an appointment. If you do more, that’s great, but the siren song of our people is, “I’m gonna accomplish so much!” 

Without further ado: Some Options For Help

Your school’s Disability Services/Accessibility Office/Office of Inclusion/whatever they call it

You’re looking for the office that helps Deaf/Blind/mobility-impaired students succeed in school. Mental health falls under the same category. It’s their job to make sure your school is providing you with as much chance at an education as it would provide to someone who’s totally neurotypical. Tell them what you told me.

Stuff they can do:

Tell you what your school’s requirement is for documenting a disability

Give you information on local assessment and treatment options--what psych professionals locally are good? Is there a fund somewhere that will cover your testing? Does the student health centre have a psychiatrist?

Provide you with a letter that tells your instructors that giving extensions, having flexible schedules, or dropping penalties for non-attendance is a legal requirement to accommodate you. This is not necessarily a free pass--a professor may decide that some things are mandatory or non-negotiable--but it is an easy way to bring these problems up early, before they become an issue.

Help find your or fund you a tutor (more on this later)

Help you find other resources and services on your campus

Your school’s Counselling Centre/Wellness Services/Social Work Office/wherever they hide the shrinks

This is the place where they offer free counselling. If there’s walk-in, go to walk-in; if they can book an appointment in a week, go in a week; if there’s a three-month waitlist, get your name on the waitlist.

Funny story--I had graduated undergrad before I realized that students got free counselling on-campus. I’d been in therapy since I was 16, but five years of undergrad? Yeah, no clue. I was looking for therapists on Psychology Today and shelling out hundreds of dollars out of pocket, and there were hot and cold running therapists under my very nose.

In fact, there might be more than just therapists. The school I worked at had regular counsellors, and also a Learning Specialist, whose job included teaching people with executive function disorders like depression and ADHD how to study effectively!  It’s worth asking about.

When you see one of these people, it’s very tempting to think they are An Adult Who Is The Boss Of You. They will look at you, understand you with their expert knowledge, tell you what your deal is, and give you instructions on what to do now!  

In reality, therapists are not Sherlock Holmes, or profilers on TV. We can’t just look at you and go, “I see by the way you button your coat that you’re a middle child and ambiguity makes you uncomfortable.”  We rely a lot on “client report”--on what you say is true. Psychological assessment is a process involving interaction, not a detached observation of stable qualities. If a therapist says something about you that seems inaccurate, it is beneficial and good to say, “No, actually, I think you’re mistaken. To me, it looks more like...”

You’re recruiting an experienced co-traveller to go on a trip with you. They know a lot about rocks and trails and climbing harness, but they don’t know the territory you’ll be travelling together. So first and foremost, you want to find someone you want to go on a trip with: a therapist who is a good fit for you.

If you don’t like your assigned therapist, ask for a new one. We have an ethical responsibility to provide referrals when we can’t provide someone with the treatment they need, and since a good client-therapist relationship predicts therapy outcome like 70% of the time, simply not liking or trusting your therapist is a good enough reason to try somebody new. If you want you can just email them after the session and say, “I don’t think you and I quite clicked. With what you know now of my personality and issues, is there someone else in your office you can refer me to?”

Medication. Different medication.

Not gonna lie, going on antidepressants was like... getting the inside of my brain whitewashed. There was so much space. So much room. I could think and feel without being constantly smothered in negativity! And going on ADHD meds on top of that was like.. the thoughts that had always been slippery, unable to grasp or manipulate, suddenly became solid in my hands. I could grip them, slow them down, tell them to go somewhere else.

Both times, it took five to ten adjustments to get to the right cocktail and dosage. For example, I was on an antidepressant that stopped me from crying and freaking out all the time but killed my creative drive, so we added a drug that gave me more energy so I could write again. Then money got tight, we tried me on a generic, found that didn’t work, and found a way to pay for the first version. Each time, it meant seeing the doctor, trying a dose for two weeks or a month, and then going back to report progress and try adjusting it again.

Again: It’s a process, an interaction. It’s something you get a say in. And if you’re currently on meds--well, let me just say: If you sent me an ask like that, your meds aren’t doing their job. They’re not the right ones for you. So it’s time for an adjustment.

If you can get to or afford a psychiatrist, great! A general practitioner who’s known you for a while will often do. And if you need to, well, I’ve gotten my meds adjusted by a different doctor every time at a walk-in family practice clinic. You do what you can. Information on who and what is available is often why Disability Services is a great resource--who knows, maybe there’s a psychiatrist on campus you can see for free who sees the depression/anxiety/ADHD trifecta all the time!

(General life tip: When they give you an assessment for depression, anxiety, or ADHD, don’t downplay your symptoms. Answer the way you would on a bad day or when you’re struggling. Of course you know how to cope with these challenges, but the unfair part is that you have to cope with them at all)

A tutor or academic coach

This never occurred to me for a long long time, because I was always a “smart kid”, and I always thought tutors were for people who didn’t intellectually grasp the material. Meanwhile: Surprise! I have a developmental disability that significantly impacts my learning! My grad school put me on academic probation and effectively foisted a person of this job description on me, and it was the BEST THING EVER.

If you’ve ever felt like you would work so much better if only you had someone sitting there all the time making you work? Or a sympathetic friend who could help you break it down and be less overwhelming? If the only time you get your work done is when someone else asks you about it? This is the person for you.

Most schools provide these services to students for free, or subsidize disabled students’ tutoring. If all else fails, you can find a tutor on your own and say, “I get this stuff intellectually, but I really need someone who makes me spend time with it, because left to myself I’d get anxious and ignore it all until the night before the deadline.”

If you have good friends who can do this for you, that’s great too--but the biggest objection to the post that brought you here is, “I’m depressed and socially anxious--I don’t HAVE anybody to help!”  So this post is aimed at linking you up to people whose explicit job it is to help you--people you, your insurance, or your tuition dollars directly pay for.

[puttingthesamintosm]

Hi I'm sorry to ask about such a personal thing and please don't feel obligated to answer if I'm going too far here (if I am I'm deeply sorry and call me out on it) but I've been seeing some posts about adhd on your blog and atm I'm 👌 this close to calling my doctor to get a diagnosis but I've been hesitant all my life (if you wanna know the whole story I'll tell you no worries) and I'm wondering how you got your diagnosis? What made your parents go like 'maybe there's something'?

holy shit im just seeing this now i dont know when you send it maybe im horibly late (this is a theme in my life it seems). 

but i was a good kid (nice, listened, good marks, was quite in class, did my homework) all my life until i started to fail when i entered college. then i started to get sleeping problems, i couldnt get good marks, i had to drop out of my first choice of college masters (ish, im from the netherlands and i cant quite translate how it works). when i entered for the second time for another subject i tried my best to do all the work, to get good grades but i had trouble focusing, keeping concetration, i procastinated like hell. i initially went to the GP for what i thought was depression, they send me to a psychologist, who didnt help me at all. she suggested i had a rough childhood and that fucked me up and i later learned (via my GP) that she thought i had identity problems -i know perfectly well who i am and what i wanna do in life (kinda)-. this was after i discontinued sessions with her, cause she and i werent on the same page about some stuff. 

she suggested some time that i maybe had ADHD because i mentioned having trouble focusing on school homework and because during our sessions i got constantly distracted by traffic driving by outside and stuff. after she mentioned it, i asked to do a test to see if it was something we could persue but she was against that. this was the point where we didnt agree, she was convinced ADHD is a treatable disease like depression and she wanted me to talk about it so we could cure it and i thought (and still think) that ADHD is something thats not treatable per se. its ingrained in your DNA, so whatever you do -like Dylexia never goes away- it never goes away and you can only discover tricks and methods against it. 

when i started looking for a new psychologist (with help of school) i found a company/authority that is more popular in my country and more regocnized. they think the same way i do, more result and less talking away (scientific approach vs “hippie” approach). i asked them for a intake for ADHD and they gave me one, during the intake they said they didnt know if i had ADHD, because it wasnt recognizable in my childhood (i think this is because they asked my mum for stuff during my chilhood and either she has ADHD too and all the symptoms weren’t out of place for here or because we had such a strict upbringing (because of my youngest sister (not a bad thing, she needed it)) and strict rules are good for ADHD people). so they gave me a possible ADHD diagnosis, and gave me a test to test this. this is the QB-test, where they test you without medication, then put you on ADHD meds until youve found the right dose and then test you again. if you show enough improvement you get the diagnosis, and thats what happened with me (yesterday lol). i showed very much improvement during my second test, i could focus much better and during the conversations i had with my doctor there i also told her i felt i could concentrate (and keep that concentration) much better than without meds.

so my parents didnt really have any say in it, my dad is for some reason very against the company where i got tested so i didnt even tell him for like half a year. what helps is that when i started seeing a psychologist, was when i already was kinda moved out (i lived with my BF + parents for a year and then 7 months ago i moved out on my “own” with my sister) and i was well over 18 (local age of adulthood) when i started. (i was almost 20yrs old when i started). for this reason i didnt include my parents very much in the proces except where they were needed. also worth to say: my mum still doesnt see the ADHD parts in my childhood, which i get because i got ADD without the active part. i told my dad 2 weeks ago i got diagnosed because he asked what my meds were for and i think he still thinks it’s a fad and it isnt true but whatever.