#but also at the same time. there are things im deeply dissatisfied with + cause me a lot of pain to think abt

[phagodyke]

my supervisor AND my manager both aren't in today so I'm just practicing shit... im boored

[mbti-notes]

Im ISTP dude and I like this INFJ girl. Shes my friend but I like her more than that. I told her already and asked her out. She didn't reject me but thing is her answer is vague as hell. First she asked why I like her and I told her honestly that shes pretty and smart but she didnt react more than a nod. Then when I ask if she wanna be my girlfriend she said 'okay but can it be a trial period first'. I assumed its a yes so we started going out but its very weird. (1)

[con’t: It gets even more difficult to understand her and shes start asking me questions about my perspective on love and start warning me about her loving differently than other people and I might not like it and stuff like that. She also seems to be assessing me somehow? I dont know. Like shes trying to judge something about me. I dont think shes playing me or anything cause we always do things fair. She insists we split the bills on everything when we go out and she never demand anything so thats cool. We also spend time together like before. Its just very weird cause she seems more guarded around me and more jumpy and colder than usual even though shes still nice to me and all. Is this normal for INFJs? Maybe she doesnt actually like me? But then why did she agree? I mean we have same interests and we seem to have fun together so I dont understand whats wrong. Should I continue this or just go back to being friends? I like her a lot but I dont wanna waste time on relationship that goes nowhere.]

Note that you can’t improve the quality of a relationship until both people are equally committed to the task. Relationships flourish through skillful communication:

1) Self-Awareness: Be fully aware of your needs, wants, and criteria for relationships. Take full responsibility for your end, so that you do everything in your power to promote relationship success, and then the rest is up to her. It’s important that you are able to communicate clearly and honestly about what’s happening with you, including what you think is going wrong for you and why. If you can’t even make your needs and problems known to your partner, then you’ll never really know each other well enough to get any needs met.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re putting the whole situation onto her shoulders, as though you have no say in the matter. Whether you stay or leave is your decision to make, based on your evaluation of the relationship and whether it’s what you really want. If a relationship makes you unhappy/dissatisfied, why stay? You’re the one feeling the problem, which means that it’s up to you to instigate a process of resolution. 

People usually stick it out through the down times in a relationship because they have a hopeful vision of what the relationship could become. You have a hopeful vision because you’re talking about how the current situation isn’t meeting your expectations. But what are your expectations? You say that you have fun together, why isn’t that enough? What’s missing for you exactly? Without enough awareness of yourself and being able to verbalize the problem that you’re experiencing, it’s hard to find a solution.

2) Intimacy: A relationship grows deeper over time through honest, attentive, and respectful communication. Talk about what you like, dislike, desire, hope for, etc, with each other, often. Gradually, you both become a better partner as you learn how to adjust your behavior to better suit the other’s needs. The process of becoming more intimately acquainted requires time and energy to learn new things and apply the ideas successfully. You have to be patient and put in the effort to have difficult conversations whenever necessary to grow your knowledge and understanding of each other.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re making assumptions rather than communicating. You’re merely guessing that she’s trying to do this or that, and you end up whipping yourself into paranoia. “Assuming”, aka trying to be a mindreader, is very destructive to relationships because it causes misunderstanding. Relationships require trust, so take people at their word, and when you can’t, talk about why you can’t and solve the problem through communication. Don’t stew in negative feelings and allow them to turn into ugly conspiracy theories.

By saying that she wants a trial period, she’s basically telling you that she’s interested but not ready for a full commitment. If you’re not happy with her position, then you have a choice to make: Either respect that her pace is slower than yours and be patient, or decide that you want something faster/different and leave for greener pastures. She’s already been honest and upfront with you, the ball is now in your court about whether you accept the terms she’s proposed. If you accept, then FULLY accept.

By asking plenty of questions about your perspective, she is making an effort to get to know you better, specifically, to understand why you want to be in the relationship and whether you two are ultimately compatible. You hardly know each other at the start of a relationship, so she is indeed trying to size you up, such that she can make a well-informed decision once the trial period ends. If you don’t like people getting to know you in depth, then you’re never going to get far in any relationship. She obviously is the kind of person that needs to prepare and study situations carefully before diving in. If you don’t like that, then you are free to choose someone who doesn’t require as much preparation and observation time (this is a common J vs P difference).

3) Collaboration: Whenever either party feels unhappy or dissatisfied with something in the relationship, it is their responsibility to bring it up with the partner. When your partner brings a problem to you, it is your responsibility to listen carefully to what it is they need from you. Only then can you resolve problems maturely, together. If it is determined that your partner is capable of better meeting your needs, then make a reasonable request of them to do so. Talk openly about what should be changed in the relationship to make it more fulfilling for both parties, and implement a plan to make those changes. Keep tabs on progress made over time.

You have not succeeded in this step because you’re not being upfront about your negative experience of the relationship and what more you need from it. This means that you’re not giving her the opportunity to collaborate with you. If you don’t talk about how you feel, she’ll never know, and the change that you want won’t happen.

By talking about the way that she “loves differently”, she’s communicating something about her needs and expectations. She’s giving you an opportunity to know her better, such that you can collaborate with her to fulfill her needs. If she’s inexperienced, she may not yet know every little thing that she’s looking for in a relationship. But the most important thing is that she’s trying to communicate about it, which means it’s up to you to listen and respond appropriately. If you have no interest in getting to know her and what kind of partner she’s looking for, then there’s no reciprocity in the relationship. Are you only in it for yourself?

By asking you why you like her, she may be signalling some self-esteem issues (”I don’t know if I can do this”) and/or self-worth issues (”Maybe I don’t deserve this attention/love”). Healthy Fs are sensitive people, which means that they feel things very deeply. The deeper they feel, the more deeply they will be hurt, if things don’t work out. Therefore, it is likely that she is hesitant to dive in because she’s trying to stay in control and protect herself from getting hurt (this is typical of FJs). Forcing someone to leave their comfort zone before they are ready to is a recipe for drama and conflict. The most you can do is encourage her to open up, by providing an emotionally supportive, cooperative, and non-judgmental atmosphere to express how she really feels. Without a positive social atmosphere, FJs won’t open up. She’s moving at a pace that’s comfortable for her, which includes pulling back whenever she feels uncomfortable. Be sure to clarify whether it’s her own issue or whether you’re doing something to make her uncomfortable - don’t just assume. If you don’t like her “guarded” approach, then you are free to choose someone who is more open and carefree (you are navigating a common J vs P difference).

If you like someone a lot, it means that you’re willing to put in effort for them? You have every right to decide how much effort you’re willing to put in. The relationship is still in its early stages and you won’t lose much by ending it now. However, don’t forget that there’s a lot you can do to be better at relationships, mainly by addressing any behavior that hurts rather than helps relationships to progress.