#but also anyone who has ever had a conversation with me Ever. irl or online. can attest methinks

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[pawbeanies]

actually a pawbeanies morning confession. i have no clue how to like. flirt(????). have a conversation with people(????)??? or like even tell when someone is trying To Flirt with me ?!?? like i am just like. oh all these ppl are just being nice to me :) but also. if u put me in like. a conversation i am just like whuh huh ... wuh ... pupy can only play the "!!!!!" cute card so many times i feel like i am not a good Conversationalist once my like. Preprogrammed Dialogue Options run out

[luxiomahariel]

Hey hey! Wanted to share an experience n get it off my chest if that’s okay, you don’t gotta post it if you don’t want to. This experience is what led me to discover transandrophobia and devour as much as I could of it and I’m also reading so much intersectional feminism as a result!

Ages back, a group of former “friends” that were all adult lesbians of varying transfem and nonbinary genders, unironically Exploded at me due to a conversation that I’ve since showed a vast amount of people who have all confirmed that I was being respectful and agreeable throughout. The gist of the convo was that I “wasn’t listening to transfems” because I, as someone who grew up as a brown arab woman, simply MENTIONED that Imane Khelif was being attacked through racism as well as transmisogyny. For context, I agreed multiple times that she was being attacked through both, but the group was immediately vehemently accusing me of denying transmisogny as a “tme”.

They kicked me from the server, and the owner dmed me a link to @/transmisogny-explained so I could “better myself”, which is a blog that has plenty of good posts, but is so deeply transandrophobic that it makes it difficult to even look through. During the aftermath of this whole thing, my partners had dmed some folks from the server to clarify what had happened for them to react so intensely, and I’ll quote some of the things I noticed from them/their responses:

- every single one of them was white.

- ONLY used he/him for me during this despite rarely/never doing so otherwise. I use any pronouns.

- described me reblogging transmasc positivity posts on my personal blog afterwards as “going on a reblogging rampage” and describing my emoji-filled, friendly, worried messages as “aggressive” and “lashing out after being criticized by a trans woman Once”.

- one said that they’ve been wanting to cut me off since they found out I support trans men lesbians. Because I call myself a multigender dyke and am a man as well as a woman.

- same person also spread that I was calling trans women slurs because I had once reblogged a post where someone mentioned “b/aeddels”

- shortly after they all blocked me on all platforms, my partners showed me their reblogs were absolutely full of the most transandrophobic slop I’ve ever seen, mixed in with good posts about supporting transfems. They also masked off about other queer infighting, such as being on the wrong, cruel side of ace discourse and also needlessly hating on mspec lesbians, anyone using Achillean or the “toothpaste flag” or anything that “appropriated lesbian culture”, and stuff like that.

- turned on my partners as well (tho with less vitriol thank god) for being associated with me. Which they didn’t deserve to be cut off for :(

Basically I’m more than glad to be cut off from them cuz I had no clue of the sheer hatred they were holding for queer people that were different from them, but also I can’t ever help but keep in mind that one of the quickest ways I’ve ever gotten to be called a man, or had he/him used on me, was alongside being called “tme” and being painted as an aggressor.

Everyone involved is safely out irl, and knows fully that I am deeply closeted for safety irl. They spoke plenty of my “tme privilege” while knowing I was at home closeted against my will for my safety and suffering from it on the daily. They labeled me as a rampaging, lashing out tme man, despite rarely using anything but she/they for me beforehand. They cut me off from a huge portion of online community, knowing full well how unsafe my position was and how much I needed the support. I’ll never forget that they saw a closeted brown trans man mention racism alongside transmisogny and immediately jumped him and slandered his name with accusations and aggressive behavior.

jesus christ thats awful

bigotry always seems to come in bunches huh? transandrophobia, aphobia, homophobia, and exorsexism/enbyphobia.... yeesh.

im glad you got away from that server and hopefully my blog can be a safe space for you 🫂

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

🍣🍤🦪(for ID)

AITA for talking about rejecting a confession on a discord server without realising that the person who confessed was also in the same discord server? This happened a few years ago but I still think about it a lot. At the time I (19F) got confessed to by my friend, M (19NB) on new years day through discord. I'd been pretty much best friends with them for a couple of years, we initially met online through fandom and found out we (and a few other online friends) live in the same city and met up every few months to go to cons, eat food, watch movies, etc. Looking back on it in hindsight, I guess a few things we did could have been interpreted as being 'romantic' but I didn't realise it, both as an aroace who has never had any inclination towards romance or intimacy and as at the time as I went to an all-girls high school and my highschool friend group generally is very touchy, as in we hug, link arms as we walk, hold hands when we're chilling, and that behaviour definitely bled into my relationships with my online friend group when we'd meet up irl. I'd also been going on these outings with just M more recently, since we both were in University and our schedules matched up really well. I was working my waitress job on new years day, since it was super busy I ducked into a back room to catch a break and pulled out my phone and I see a message from M confessing to me. It definitely blindsided me and I panicked a bit since this was the first time anyone has ever confessed to me or even made a move towards me that I noticed but I definitely did not reciprocate any feelings in the same way. I tried to let them down as nicely as I could and they asked for some time but said they'd be ok with being just friends, eventually. This is the point where I kind of fucked up, I went into a larger server's vent channel and kind of freaked out in there, pretty much right after the conversation. I never stated any names or revealed any incriminating information, more along the lines of "I just got confessed to and I rejected them but what if it ruins everything because they're my best friend" but I didn't realise that M was also in the same server, they'd never ever spoken in it and since we were in pretty much dozens of servers together, that specific server was cascaded pretty far down the "mutual servers" list. I only realised they were there when they sent me a dm asking me not to talk about it and I asked if they wanted me to delete, which they said yes and I did. We didn't talk again after that and M left all the mutual servers we'd been in. I actually dropped off all contact from that group for a few months, since M was the one to introduce me to that friend group, I felt really ashamed especially because it felt like my friends there were M's friends first. M's mental health was also really bad and they'd mentioned that they'd self-harmed before and tried to take drastic measures before and the guilt kind of ate at me for months until they dmed me again and I did my best to apologise for my actions, which they accepted and we agreed to be amicable if we ever met up coincidentally again. Then they acted like a snake about some other friend drama so like BYE and this was a few years ago so I don't really care but every now and then I still think that if I didn't speak about the confession in that disc server maybe I could've maintained a friendship with them.

AITA for talking about the rejected confession in a discord server without knowing the confessor was in the same discord server?

[dnpbeats]

Do u think one of them has ever wanted to hard launch and the other one was like nah? I feel like they must have had that conversation at some point!

hmm. i mean yeah i'm certain they had the conversation. even in 2009 when they were really open about things, they never actually explicitly said they were together (i mean obvs everyone could guess and i don't think they cared, but like they must have made the decision to have a sliver of plausible deniability left*). and then i'm sure they continued to have many conversations about it, it's not really a one and done type of convo espc with their careers

i'd say, do i think one of them has wanted to hard launch when the other hasn't? no. do i think one of them would have been neutral about hard launching when the other hasn't? honestly... also no. like we all know why dan didn't want to come out (generally and also in terms of his and phil's relationship, "what me and phil had was ours and personal and yet some people were trying to get access to it for their own satisfaction"). we also know that phil is super private (from dan, from phil himself, and just from observation). i think phil didn't (doesn't?) want to hard launch not bc of the gay relationship aspect but because of the "it's my personal life and 4 million people don't need to know about it" aspect. so yeah honestly from what i've seen and what they've said i feel like they've probably been on pretty much the same page about coming out? but ofc at the end of the day i only see what they present to us, so i could be totally way off base

*making this a footnote bc this is off topic but i just remembered phil's story about getting outed to his friends back home bc of the dating website. and then ofc dan's issue of not being out to his family/college friends. so i wonder if they in 2009 were fine with flirting online bc they didnt care if like random ppl on dailybooth and twitter knew they were together, but if anyone who knew them irl saw and like tried to out dan to his parents or some shit (as some ppl are wont to do), he could do some handwaving to explain it away :( like ok now i'm just making shit up but also dan was like. way more overtly flirty than phil was (though phil did his fair share himself) so do u think that phil had to sit 18 year old dan down and tell him how he got outed to irl ppl bc of the internet and how they had to watch what they said online 😭😭😭😭😭

[voiceofsword]

also!! i really loved your crazyB at a fanmeeting thoughts with the little doodles.. how do you think they’d interact with fans online tho. do you think they would have official crazyB social media accounts and if so is it run by cospro mangement or crazyB themselves (they take turns uploading content). i think they’d definitely know about fanworks but do you think any of them would. accidentally like somebody’s fancam from the official crazyB twitter or smth

YES LMFAO once again splitting these into diff ones. i think it'd be run by cospro management usually with a few exceptions. hear me out

rinne's just straight up banned because he treats the crazyb account like his playhouse. that one edit of him tweeting gonna take my wife to pfchangs is literally him. he rts whatever he wants — rting fancams even though hes not supposed to. swearing out the ass in his replies to Anyone. criticizing ES on main. theyre lucky they dont get sued. he replies to fancams of himself like damn my ass looked good as hell here and immediately gets a phone call from ibara like "i want you at the es building right now immediately."

niki's abt what you would expect — like rinne he'd also treat it like his personal account but more innocent. he spams the feed with food pics, but is hardly ever online to begin with so he doesn't really interact with fans or other tweets unless they happen to be at the exact time he gets on his phone. i think he'd be a lot like his va who basically just posts pics of food he's made with business scattered in between skjfhj

himeru is kind of self explanatory he's good at reading people offline but stan twitter is actually insane i dont know how well hed cope with that. he has a hard enough time with rinne and niki being the way they are now imagine going online and seeing people that are just as unhinged if not more. he tries to make conversation with fans as best as he can and like he Understands internet lingo but cannot stand it so like 5 hours in he's like ok goodnight himeru's had enough. he's too old for this

and finally kohaku is probably the one thats allowed on there the most and does the best job because he has years of being on idol forums and social media under his belt. he probably finds it really fun and likes talking to fans this way more than irl bc hes more familiar with it (especially when compared to the other 3). he's not exactly unprofessional but definitely gives vibes of a more casual social media manager bc he does posts memes, selfies with the other bees occasionally, and replies to basically anything!! it actually shocks the rest of them bc hes far more casual online than he usually is

[ruelin024]

What does the neutral mean?

Heyo Anon, this is not specifically targeted at you, okie╰(*°▽°*)╯

I will answer you and others for this post. 👌

[Neutral shipper: Typically refers to someone who does not want to participate in proship versus antiship discourse. Can be considered 'proship' by default to some.]

Quoted off from This Carrd -> SHIPPING GLOSSARY

Now, this is for all the other anonymous in my inbox that keep asking me "what I am", "who I am part of", and "why I call myself Neutral."

I deleted those asks since; I will be answering y'all questions here.

First off, it felt funny/weird being asked "What am I?" Like lmao. I'm just Rue/Ruth, I draw :3 I like Undertale, I'm tryna learn how to socialize better and improve my art, so wassup.✨o(*^▽^*)┛

This post is meant for those who are open-minded and respectful plz and thank you. (^^ゞ)

Long Wordy Personal Post Below

(CW/TW regarding ships, I curse a bit sorry)

None of this is meant to offend nor dismiss anyone’s opinion, experiences, or feelings. Understand, this is just my rambling and thoughts. I'm also not calling out anyone! AND PLZ do not harass anyone from the links.

Some of my quick research:

-> SHIPPING GLOSSARY -> so what does ‘ship-neutral’ actually mean? -> 👑yorse backyorse friends the backyorsigans🐝 — Sad how "proship is the neutral side" is kind of... -> Proship, at it's very core, is a combination of four general principles-- -> Proship is, at the very core, very simple! -> Curating your online and fandom experience includes: -> They have links about "Fiction and Reality" -> Other short discussion on Proship

I am usually not one for drama or negative vibes, but it would be nice if I can stop getting asks pertaining to proshipping and anti-shippers.

And the fact I'm okay and Welcoming to ALL is really because I am Neutral, my personal thought process has always been, "I do not wish to bother nor be bothered."

I am told/warned by very close peers, I am quite desensitized or apathetic to things, but it's due to some personal trauma I will not discuss publicly for my safety. It's one of the reasons I don't care to bother with troublesome things. Dw I'm working on it and healing.

This means "this" will be the first and only big important post I make regarding this topic.

And if I happen to be a bother, plz tell me or do block, and unfollow me okay, for your sake. ╯︿╰

I do not have a dni for many reasons. Though the main bare minimum I shouldn't even ask of anyone is to just be nice, respectful, kind and open-minded. I will not tolerate harassment, insults, or threats around me or for those around me.

Anyway, the Proshipper and Antishipper community arguments are bothersome but is quite an entertaining read.

We all have our own opinions, thoughts, view etc, if you actually don't like something, then just stay far far away from what you find/consider problematic. And you'll see life is so much calmer.

I for one am living as satisfied as I can.

I am a simple person. I just like art and doing/making what I like such as exploring Undertale content, creating fanart for friends, conversing about OCs and AUs, participating in DTIYS, all that fun exciting stuff! I get to know others; I get to draw more and improve on myself! Win-win! ♪(^∇^*)

Tumblr is my first ever social media when I turned 18, literally 2023, last year. I anxiously decided when I became an adult, I can finally do instagram, discord, tumblr, etc, to share my art because I am usually a nervous wreck both irl & online.

Yeah, internet still paranoids me, but I'm getting though it cause school requires me to. *sigh*

(Uh. to my friends, reading this, that I've bothered multiple times to help me use sites and my phone/computer, 😭 you cool, also sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry) My bad. 👌Y'all patience is immaculate.

So, I for one am not knowledgeable about, well, "the internet" as others may be at my age. I never knew the art community had more issues other an ai, art theft, and tracing, like whoa.

So lemme tell you something, when I was recently first confronted about if I was a proshipper, I went to research, and there's not a way I can word this nicely, but "I do not care what other people think, like, do or say" especially on the internet, unless it's being shoved down my throat forcibly, but you know what, no one can exactly do that online, since I and everyone else has the power to block, unfollow and curate their own internet experience respectfully.

And if you can't, I insist you take care/be kind to yourself and chill off your device OR learn how to block certain people, content labels and tags, etc y'know.

And a dni list might sometimes not be read, personal experience:

I happened to accidentally disrespect a friend's dni list because at the time I didn't know I was a person that had opinions that were against what their thoughts/views were and didn't know/realize that they had an issue with "Fiction doesn't affect reality." Purely accidental, they were one of the first asks and friends I made, so I followed without reading their blog thoroughly cause I was just happy to make more Undertale friends. And didn't know if I should randomly disappear from them, up until they confronted me about it. Anyway, I think that issue was solved, hopefully.

Now I have friends who were proshippers, friends that are nice antis, friends in-between and friends that are neutral like me. And those I still consider Friends who have blocked and unfollowed me.

Along with some who didn't wish to hear me out and decided to make their vile assumptions of me, and others who were kind and open enough to listen to my own words and remain a dear friend.

Being Neutral to me is not having a strong enough opinion for or against. Cause not all proshippers are badshit mental, not all anti-shippers are death threatening fancop messengers, and not all neutrals are hypocritical.

Something around those lines. Btw, I enjoy platonic ships for the most part, also consent and boundaries is highly important in my book. I do not support sick shit and know just because someone is associated with people who draw that, doesn't mean they support it, I for one know my reality and know where fiction stays fiction. That's my opinion and thoughts. If you can't differentiate and you let something like fiction rule your life in a bad way, I hope you work on yourself more and be kind to yourself. 😔 I had a moment of struggle like that after going through certain experiences, until I learned and disciplined myself to not give a flying fuck anymore. Cause I found it to be very draining and stupid to keep dwelling on it. Now I don't get triggered easily for my well-being! Inner Peace type shit! 👈(ﾟヮﾟ👈)

Also, regarding the frans question cause of the ask about the "Sooner or Later You're Gonna Be Mine" post I made a few days earlier. Uh yeah, as long as characters are being depicted as adults, it also applies to aging up a child canon character, then it's fine, both are depicted as adults. That's their view, their drawing, their writing, their thoughts. And I will respect them for depicting their ship as adults if that's what it is.

In my opinion, I'm just glad they didn't do child x adult stuff in the frans ship in their fanfic. And even if they did, I'd cringe then just scroll off far far away and not bother with it anymore for my mental. OR I can just easily, replace the characters I'm reading on, with my own characters. I wouldn't spread hate nor harass anyone over it for being problematic. Cause I don't wanna bother, they probably get enough shit from others anyway, cause many types of people exist whether we like it or not.

I had someone tell me in a discussion once, where in their Undertale AU and drawings, their Frisk was an adult, and just know there's people out in the world that have a version of Frisk that ages with them, and is their specified identity despite canon Frisk being a nonbinary human, and that's their choice, not my business fr. Also, another talk with a friend, was that it was weird you'd still see an aged-up Frisk as a child, I dunno if this makes sense, but you view them as a child, despite them being drawn as an adult as depicted in certain frans drawings, that's odd, I guess and it was funny they told me, and I summarize quote them, "That means adults can't have romance(seggs)! We are basically aged-up children!" -So anyway, either you're protective of canon frisk and you simply can't see them in other's people's respective view or you just something else I dunno.

When I see a ship, I don't like, my way to view it is just replacing the characters in my head and scrolling off, simple. Well simple for me. I'm not sure about y'all? I'm in my head a lot, so I have a lot of imaginative power up there lol.

And my favorite color blue and green-ish blue. (✿◡‿◡)

Hopefully, I answered most of the asks. IF anyone needs some clarification, just be open minded and do you own research, go explore, don't just listen to close friends' opinions, have fun and discover your own opinions. That's how I gain my own perspective on many Undertale ships deemed common/problematic and being a Neutral. Understand, definitions are skewed overtime, find more than one source, learn from others, and then decide your own views.

This whole thing ain't mean to change your views or anything.

I'm not sure if I missed anything. I don't wanna proofread this again. This was tiresome to make. ╯︿╰ If I worded something wrong, comment it or something I will try to clear it up later perhaps.

I apologize to those who's view of me changed due to this post. Really sorry.

In conclusion, you do you, I do me, peace. (´▽`ʃ♡ƪ)

[milksockets]

i recently had a very heartwarming exchange… about a typo.

to start at the beginning, at some point during my first couple of weeks at this job, i stopped by my supervisor’s office to mention that i’m very good at spotting typos if that’s something that would ever come in handy. i was referring both to the blizzard of daily emails as well as the information system program we use for documentation. he laughed and said he appreciated it, but also that a lot of people - including himself - are writing emails and whatnot all day and don’t necessarily have the time or ability to catch such errors. i remember thinking “yeah, that’s something i hadn’t really considered” and went on my merry way. note: his office door was open during the exchange because the discussion was not super private or confidential so why the fuck wouldn’t it be.

so the next day, i am summoned into his office, with the door closed this time. turns out some lurking busybody cunt with nothing better to do was hovering around and overheard the conversation, and decided to report it to both him and the supervisor above him that it was inappropriate and “who is this nurse who just started here talking about typos.”

i was flabbergasted at the time, but since then, it’s become apparent just how many things of that nature happen in offices (or mine at least; i’ve never worked in one before). when it comes specifically to pointing out a panoply of constant typos, i am not doing so in a manner that translates to “you’re a fucking idiot and i want to make you feel bad about it.” i guess i foolishly thought people might be open to hearing about ways they could improve their writing to avoid miscommunication.

there have been other instances of this ilk, namely that this woman moved into the office with a door next to me (the rest is an open plan type deal) and never has her door closed, whether she’s screaming into her phone, having an irl meeting, or blasting a podcast. like go figure, that’s sort of distracting and wearing headphones is not a solution because then i can’t hear if someone is trying to get my attention (or sneaking up behind me while i’m online shopping). it soon became very apparent that simply asking this lady to close her fucking door because other people do work here - but in nicer words - had the potential to cause a dramatic upheaval in office politics. i also had said that i would hope anyone in the office with a similar issue with me or my team would feel comfortable simply bringing it up for resolution.

it’s insane to me that these instances of direct communication about practical matters affecting other people are almost taboo and that i’ve been considered “inappropriate” on several occasions for relaying such remarks. also don’t say you value feedback if you actually don’t. let’s not play pretend here.

anyway, yesterday i passed a piece of street art that said “fight facism” and the artist tagged their IG handle so i just messaged them to say i thought they might like to know it’s misspelled. they were so fucking grateful, and said they’re glad someone pointed it out so nicely so they can fix it for the next batch. truly the antidote to the fragile, wretched office bullshit and evidence that i am doing god’s work.

so the moral of this story is that i need to find a way to get paid for finding typos. i mean, i spot them in just about every published book i read, too. and, friends, there is a solution: me.

[beevean]

Sending this anonymously instead of replying to your post cause I don't want the omori fandom harassing me for ranting about it

I'm not saying everyone who likes omori or Sunny is like this, but this was my experience knowing someone who was a huge fan of both.

All I knew about it before was from this person irl I used to be friends with. It never seemed like my cup of tea so I haven't played it and all I know was they thought it was a really good depiction of mental illness and they thought Sunny was their precious baby boy who can do no wrong and "just like them fr fr".

Seeing the omori critical posts recently I think sheds some light on what they meant by that, except they have no self awareness about it.

Because the reason I had the falling out with them is because they repeatedly did and said a lot of hurtful things, and blamed it all on mental illness (which I have enough of the same issues and know other people who do, to know that it does not make you treat your friends like shit) and would make it all about themselves and how it hurts their feelings that other people are rightfully upset about what they did.

idk sorry for the vent I just feel like, at least one of the reasons people like him is because they are just like him as much as they say. Even if nothing they do is ever as extreme as murder the same mindset applies to any way of refusing to take responsibility for wronging someone you claim to care about. 

I don't think liking a character is in and of itself a red flag but anytime someone says a character is literally just like them AND they say the same character is pure and innocent and can do nothing wrong unironically, I'm just like (insert that gif of the blinking guy here)

Wow. Well, this is a lot to take in. I'm really sorry about your bad experience with your friend, I know the type both online and IRL :(

The exchange I got on that post was very telling. I got told that Sunny is "relatable" because "he's the quiet shy friend". I said "I would relate to the way he shut himself out of the world, but I don't relate to why he did it." I was told "eh it's fine I also relate to Kel because he wants to help everyone, but I'm not good at basketball!". I said "yeah but Sunny has blood on his hands and went along with a cover-up story, that is so hyperspecific I can no longer find Sunny relatable, now he's more of a morally flawed character with his own past". I got basically a 👍 in response, conversation completely shut down in total awkwardness.

Like. There is such an aversion to talk about the very core of the game, the fact that Sunny put his hands on his sister, accidentally killed her, and then allowed everyone to believe she killed herself until the very last moment. Everyone is all "oh he's such a scrunkly, no thoughts head empty, so autistic <3" or swear up and down that Headspace actually gives him so much depth to analyze (depth he doesn't show with his actions in the real world because Kel drags him around like on a leash, but okay), but suddenly we can't talk about his greatest failure? Why, because then your blorbo looks bad? Or do you feel bad?

not to be arrogant but if someone asked me why I love Hector and Isaac so much I'd drown them in screenshots taken by me and my own analyses and still wouldn't shy away from the fact that they're both bastards. I relate to the motherfucker who killed his ex friend's wife out of spite, not because I killed anyone, but because I understand that level of jealousy and resentment. It's fine to relate to characters who aren't angels because you share similar flaws. Just be aware of the fact, you know? Like you said.

I understand, in a way, people who relate to Sunny due to his circumstances: again, he's depressed, he hates himself, he secluded himself in his own home and through the Sunny route he learns to touch grass again, things many people have gone through. But that's not the conversation I see. The conversation I see is either "he's autistic like me <3" (and by autism we mean that he doesn't talk and has a perpetual resting bitchface lol), or "I too have hurt people, and so I am inspired by Sunny taking courage and facing the truth, he's such a wonderful and strong person", garnished with "the reactions of his friends don't matter, his own wellbeing is what matters <3", which 1) whatever mistake you have made, I am positive it's not on the same level as accidentally taking a life and hiding from the repercussions, like that is on a completely different level, and 2) why does the grief of the other friends not matter? Because they're not as Mentally Ill as the protagonist? Because Sunny shouldn't have to face any consequence for his past actions because he's just a poow widdle guy 🥺? Is that what the game passes as a message?

Sorry for the rant. I understand that I popped out of nowhere in the fandom so it makes sense that few people would answer to me. But the few answers I got were so wishy-washy. "He's cute! He thinks! He cares about his friends in his own head! He's just like me!" okay but. how would you describe his personality if you were writing a wiki article. you're supposed to love the guy, right? And what does it say that "relatability", projecting yourself into the character, is the most frequent reason to love said character?

Anyway, I wish you all the best with your new friends, and honestly thank you for this ask that is way more detailed than anything I've seen so far lol

[old-school-butch]

hey im really glad you're speaking out on this israel/palestine issue. the public opinion is way, way too skewed in gazas favor.

ive been trying to talk to people irl about it, and my circle at least is mostly pro israel, and we all agree that what's going on on social media is insane.

absolutely no one is saying that all the information from gaza is coming from hamas, not to mention the defense of them. and i've never seen so much antisemitism just out in the open. the literal left is out here like "maybe hitler was right" and then call you "pro-genocide" when you call them out.

also, people are falling for propaganda and manipulation at degrees that, honestly, concern me.

Al Jazeera is the propaganda arm of the Qatari regime which, of course, is where the Hamas leadership lives. It's spent years developing a good reputation among lefties because it does - in truth - contain some analysis and information the Western media doesn't focus on. But it's part of a much larger information campaign that's happening that includes Russia and Iran and their social media outfits that aim to destabilize 'the West'. I've read AJ, just like I've read RT news - the Russian counterpart. They are designed to take a leftist argument and then put a spin on it - test the waters for more radical interpretations, push the limits and subtly distort perception. They have different outlets to massage the opinions on the right wing too. The goal is to make a middle ground impossible, and they are succeeding beyond anyone's wildest dreams.

Odds are good that we all follow at least one state actor - there was one here on tumblr that I had followed called, I believe, 'votingwhileblack' - which posted interesting critiques of the U.S. elections. But it was unmasked as a Russian agent, and I looked at the account contents more objectively. Much of it was very worthwhile analysis of U.S. attempts to disenfranchise people from their elections, but it was interspersed with subtle and not-so-subtle nudges - lots of 'don't bother voting, it's all rigged' material, Dems are just as bad as GOP, you can't trust the government at all, unless we do 'something radical' then nothing will ever change, all white people are racist and hatred is a natural response and so on. There are enough people who agree with these sentiments to spread that view, but by leading the conversation, it changes the tone. It makes anyone who disagrees with you the enemy, who is beyond negotiation, and so moderate solutions are discarded. The same is happening on the right and is why online discussion can be especially toxic and uninformative.

These campaigns have been running for years and these state agents have collected a huge amount of data points, floated a lot of arguments and learning which ones will stick. I can see this being applied to the current conflict.

The most striking to me is the word 'genocide' is used in a conflict with - even by Hamas' own claims - has 10,000 casualties. No one seems to question how many of those casualties are civilian and what portion are Hamas soldiers. Hamas claims to have 40,000 Hamas fighters in their 3-500km of tunnels. Hamas has fired thousands of rockets into Israel (and more of them land in Gaza than Israel to be honest, they're not good rockets) and Israel has dropped about 10,000 tonnes of bombs, including bunker busters that penetrate deep into the ground to destroy the tunnels. These are powerful explosions, so just compare that activity with the self-reported casualty count. It's actually quite low. Civilian deaths are always horrible to see, but there's absolutely no evidence that Israel is targeting civilians, much less killing them in large numbers.

But that's no problem if you follow the script - the genocide argument seamlessly shifts to the future, like Israel wants to occupy Gaza and/or expel all Gazans and that's really the genocide in play. I think the most likely long-term outcome is that Israel will occupy Gaza while they try to find a government that is willing to keep working to a 2 state solution, and they will stop employing Gazans - just as Egypt and Lebanon currently does - because it's quite likely that the setup for this operation was done by Gazan workers employed in Israel (the intelligence gathering on security weaknesses, the stolen IDF uniforms etc).

None of these outcomes are good for Palestinians, but they're also not genocide. Or all they all genocide? It's an easy pivot set up to be applied no matter what Israel does, the blame is always placed on Israel. And so by taking a real word with specific meaning, it's now going to be used as a vague accusation that can mean anything to advance whatever argument you want to make against whatever reality is taking place.

Honestly, even the word 'Palestinian' is somewhat complicated. Part of the difficulty of this conflict is this identity that refers to a nation without a state. The Arab desire for statehood in the region grew in the 20s and 30s but they didn't accept the UN proposal in 1948 and instead started (and lost) a war to control the entire territory. But they didn't also accept that loss, or claim Gaza and the West Bank as their own state. Instead, this idea is now the abstract 'Palestinian cause' that exists in almost a parallel world where Israel isn't real, the 1948 war is still happening and justice won't be done until Israel is gone and Palestine is created in its place.

Even 75 years later, there are millions of 'Palestinian refugees' who are the descendants of this movement living in Gaza and the West Bank. Yes, they are 'refugees' even while living in the land allocated for their self-governed state. They live in 'refugee camps' even though they are towns like anything else you'd build after living there for 75 years. But they don't want that land, they want Israel. Half of Jordanians are Palestinian but they don't want that, they want Israel. Southern Lebanon is controlled by Hezbollah but they don't want that, they want Israel. Nowhere else in the world are the grandchildren of refugees still legally considered refugees except here, where they officially ask for the 'right of return' which is to 'return' to the land of Israel (and put an end to the Israeli state) and regain the property or land their ancestors held in 1948. Which should make it really clear why they will always be refugees until they take over the land of Israel - there's always the threat that they will give up on Israel and find some land elsewhere to set up a state. Having sustained this movement for so long, the surrounding Arab states now realize its a potential threat to their own stability, so it's important that threat needs to keep focused on Israel.

If I were Palestinian I would be so angry at the world, because while everyone wants to use you and says they support 'the cause', Palestinian nationalists don't have any real friends. Hamas is an Islamist group that wants to start a global jihad to establish an Islamic caliphate, ideally on a global basis. They started in Egypt as the Muslim Brotherhood and got kicked out to try again in Palestine. The blockades on Gaza make them rich, because they run smuggling operations through their tunnels and extort money from the Gazan population, and the poverty that creates also gives them footsoldiers for their war, because desperate people in a broken country will sign up for their militia just to get a paycheque. It's in their interests to keep Gazans impoverished and at war.

The Western leftists are drawn out to support 'the cause' to atone for the sins of Western colonialism, but that's really just to avoid addressing issues in their own countries. You can chant 'from the river to the sea' all you want, but you'd have to overthrow and occupy Israel to do that, which means killing or expelling every Jew living there and that's not going to happen without an army of about 10 million soldiers and/or a nuke. No one in the West is really signing up for that. they're just following the urge to feel morally superior without actually doing anything and that's just fine for Al Jazeera and all the social media bots working the information campaign of this war.

The liberals of the West are being rallied for 2 goals - to continue the goal of splintering the political climate in the U.S. and affecting U.S. elections. (I don't think young people are even aware of how often the Palestinian cause has been used to influence U.S. elections, going back to the assassination of Robert F. Kennedy in the 60s.)

The other goal is to pressure Israel to stop their campaign before Hamas is fully destroyed and return to the status quo - another ceasefire in a war that began in 1948 and still continues, punctuated by one failed ceasefire after another. It's simplified and autotuned so it sounds like a call for peace, but it's actually a call for the horrible state of limbo to continue, where the cycle can be endlessly repeated and 'the cause' is kept alive to be mobilized again when it's needed.

Palestinian radicals have acted as a state-within-a-state in Jordan, Lebanon and Egypt attempting numerous coups, civil war and assassinations, this is why they no longer accept any refugees from the area. But in the end, where do Palestinian people go? The world eggs them on, but isn't actually going to help resolve 'the cause'. After Israel was created, about 700,000 Jews were expelled from most Arab countries and Israel took them in, ergo they are no longer refugees. Why are Palestinians still stateless after 75 years? The fact that Palestinians don't have a homeland or statehood says a lot about how committed its neighbors are to actually helping them achieve that goal.

In order to resolve 'the cause', you either need to have a 2 state solution so Palestinians can stop being other people's pawns and just get on with their lives, or Hamas achieves its goals and run the world under Sharia law. Both Israel and Palestinian nationalists need to come to terms with the shitty hands they've been given and accept a solution that might not be their ideals, but is better than war that continues for another 3 generations and it's better than living in a global caliphate

Anyway, I've now made 3-4 posts about this conflict and received an insane number of messages about this, ranging from death threats and hostile responses to overly earnest counter-arguments to things I've never said, mostly from people I've never heard from before and aren't in my orbit. And I'm a middle-aged gender critical woman on backwater tumblr getting this level of interference - can you imagine what popular social media accounts are getting? 'All those' people you hear aren't people, they are state interests working in a coordinated campaign to influence the West. And this is how a pro-Palestinian march keeps getting steered to the occasional 'gas the Jews' chant, how Taliban and Al-Quaeda flags keep showing up at the marches, or calls for Biden to be removed from office for his support for Israel (bc Trump is the most useful idiot ever and these accounts want him for president). Hamas et. al. are my enemy, not Palestinians and not Israel. Focus on their actions and you can really cut through the deception to see the strategy. They have really clear goals about what they want, they're making excellent gains by confusing everyone else about what's in our best interests.

[acacia-may]

Let’s pour some salt together, Acacia~!/lh 💖

If it’s not too much trouble, can I ask #7 generally, #10 for Fairy Tail and Black Clover, and finally #25 for Demon Slayer?

It’s several questions and a bit all over the pl s so I hope you don’t mind… 😅

Cheers, Erika! 🥂 Thanks for the chance to get a little bit salty about so many different things! ^^

Necessary disclaimer above the cut: These are just my own personal opinions based on my personal tastes, perceptions, and feelings regarding the series, stories, and characters and their relationships. I genuinely have the utmost respect and absolutely no ill will towards anyone who has a different opinion than me. In fact, I have always said that one of the greatest things about fandom is that we can all experience and perceive these amazing stories and characters in very different ways but still love them. Even some of my dearest fandom friends enjoy different pairings than me or see our shared favorite characters in wildly different ways than I do. I personally find it very rewarding to have respectful conversations about our differences of opinion, and I hope that my opinions will also be respected. Also, I don't vibe with just mindless bashing things, so even though this is about to get very salty and a little snarky, I'll try to keep it respectful and all in good fun. I am not tagging anything and am hiding my thoughts under the cut so you all don't have to be subjected to my hot takes and "Salty Acacia," if you don't want.

MAJOR Spoilers for Demon Slayer below the cut. You've been warned.

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

ATTACK ON TITAN/SNK. My sister says I need a swear jar because I can just rant for hours about how I was just so personally, viscerally disappointed with how that series ended (made all the worse because I had several years of investment in it). As a disclaimer, I still like my favorite characters and the side story "No Regrets" will always be **Chef's Kiss** but yeah...you could not pay me to watch or read it ever again.

But again, disclaimer, that's just me. It's my cousin's favorite anime of all time, and he loved the ending. Everyone's different.

As for anything else from fandoms I actually talk about...I'm not sure there is anything. Like everyone with an online presence, I have definitely been disturbed, appalled, and otherwise very upset by things I've seen on the internet, but that's what the block button is for (and I know it's all peace, love, & good vibes around here, but I block aggressively, actively, and unapologetically when the situation warrants it). As a general rule though, I try not to let what other people think get to me and ruin the things I love, and in that way, I don't think I have ever had a situation where something was just completely 100% ruined for me by a terrible fic, toxic fandom, or anon hatred ect. ect. I have certainly distanced myself from certain pairings and certain fandoms because of that, but I wouldn't say any of them have ever reached the level of "I can't stand it now." If anything, I sometimes feel a little contrary and dig my heels in on that thing in a petty revenge, "Well in that case, I'll just like this more" kind of way, if that makes sense?

All of that said, I have no patience for nasty, toxic fandom environments, and I stay away from those even if it's a media I really like i.e. you mentioned MHA in one of your salty asks...I wrote my one platonic friendship fic and got the hell outta there (nothing bad happened to me but it just wasn't worth it to take any chances). But that doesn't mean I don't enjoy it in real life and sometimes talk about it with my sisters and irl friends. I just don't want to discuss it online. It's not worth the headache & drama.

I definitely get fandom fatigue sometimes where the aggressiveness and toxicity of the fans of a certain pairing or character I already don't like just intensifies my dislike for that thing. But that's really only ever happened with things I already don't like or don't have an opinion on at all, which I don't think that really fits the prompt here.

10. Most disliked arc? Why?

Fairy Tail: The anime-only Celestial Spirit Arc by a landslide. It was so boring and had so many pacing issues. I literally fell asleep during it and didn't even both going back. I'm also super bitter towards that arc because my sister got so bored during it that she quit the anime (right before getting the best arc Tartaros). I keep begging her to pick it up again and just skip the stupid Celestial Spirit Arc but she swears she is a completionist and would never be able to do it. So yeah. Can't stand that one! The only positive thing I could remotely say about it was that Levy on the game show was kind of entertaining, but overall the whole arc was kind of just like a boring bizarre dream I'd like to forget about.

For arcs that appeared in both the anime and manga, I really didn't like that flute arc (which a google search has informed me is actually called the "Eisenwald Arc"). I'm glad we got Gray and Erza introduced as characters, but the arc had a lot of pacing issues and just went on for way too way, imo. They could've wrapped things up a lot faster, also I just didn't get the whole "evil flute" thing--it was really random and kind of bizarre (also not the most well thought out plan in the world). I will say this arc gets more points than the Celestial Spirit Arc because my sister and I had so much fun making Kokushibo flute jokes.

Black Clover: Gotta go with the anime only arc here too because again, it was boring and didn't have a lot of bearing on the series as a whole. It also felt like a major let down after the high stakes of the Elf Arc. Honestly just not a fan of that one.

If I had to pick a manga arc...uh...I honestly don't know. Maybe the Sosshi village arc? But only because I thought it was better in the anime where they really took the time to flesh out Magna's backstory. It felt more rushed in the manga, but I don't dislike it as much as that anime only one.

If I can pick a character arc, freaking FINRAL'S!! Like what happened here?! It was so, so good...until it wasn't. I JUST CAN'T WITH THE AMOUNT OF REGRESSION. It makes me want to beat my head against the wall even more than he is! But I think this was about story arcs, not characters arc so I'll refrain from ranting here.

25. Would you change the ending of Demon Slayer?

This is kind of a complicated one. My sister and I were just talking about this because she feels there was too much character death, but I feel it was a justified and appropriate amount for the high stakes of the series (even if it was devastating). So for the sake of this discussion, let's assume that the author had a "character death quota" (or a set number of characters who were going to be killed off by the end of the series). If that was the case, I would have axed Uzui at the end of the Entertainment District Arc and saved Genya in the final arc.

If there was a believable/reasonable way that Muichiro could have gone into god-mode and defeated Kokushibo without dying, I would have saved him too, having Uzui take his "death slot." Then I would have saved Genya by having Sanemi die to protect him (which would have been a much more satisfying ending to his arc, in my opinion).

As sad as the other deaths were (*weeps about ObaMitsu*) Muichiro and Genya were children. While it's realistic for them to die, it's especially tragic, and if I got to rewrite the ending, I would prioritize saving them.

Though to be perfectly fair, I would have been much happier with the ending if Uzui had died in the Entertainment District Arc and any of our heroes who died in the final battle survived instead. I'll forever be salty that Uzui of all people somehow managed to survive to the end when so many others did not, especially since his arc had already wrapped up and him dying in the Entertainment District would have been a satisfying conclusion to his story whereas so many other characters who did get axed had storylines that felt unfinished (Genya especially).

Also, Himejima should have played the flute at Kokushibo causing him to lose his cool in the infinity castle so much faster. I'm really upset this didn't happen. (Kidding but I would’ve loved to see him just go completely unhinged over the flute. I make way too many Kokushibo flute jokes…)

[sasheneskywalker]

am i the only person who has never struggled with their queer identity?

i was thinking about it recently and i don't remember ever being ashamed, scared, angry or sad about being bisexual, nonbinary, grayaromantic, grayasexual and polyamorous. (yes, i use that many labels. it makes sense in my head.) i had unrestricted access to the interent from a pretty young age (11) and i discovered what a sexual orientation was after entering more english/american spaces and reading fanfiction when i was around 13 years old. i've just read the definitions and went, "yeah, i'm bisexual. why would anyone limit themselves to loving only one gender?" and that was it. my only frame of reference about queer people was fanfics and cool people i've seen online. my parents never talked about lgbtq+ issues (neither in a positive nor in negative light) and i didn't know anyone who was queer in real life, so you could say i was a blank slate when it came to any preconceived notions or biases (of course we live in cisheteronormative society which probably influenced my views on a subconscious level but i'm just taking about being consciously aware about something here.)

it was similar with realizing i was nonbinary, grayaromantic, grayasexual and polyamorous. i've read the definitions, comments made by people identifying that way, some research papers and books and came to the conclusion that these labels fit me. no angst anywhere.

i came out to my family pretty much immediately when my brother asked me if i was interested in any boys in middle school and i replied with full indignation that if he had to ask about it, he should also ask about any girls i might be interested in. my mother was there too. i don't think any of them took me seriously considering my age (i was 14) and the fact that i had to have many more conversations with my mother about being bisexual (and later nonbinary, grayaromantic, grayasexual and polyamorous) before she believed me in some way and even now she still thinks it's just a "phase" and that i'm "confused" or "just looking for attention" and that my girlfriends are only my good friends (but she still supports my relationship and tries very hard not to be outright homophobic/transphobic). my brother realized like 6 years later and asked me if i really was queer and seemed surprised when i told him i was. i still don't know what my father thinks. i told him i had a boyfriend when i was 15 and i told him i had two girlfriends when i was 20 and his reaction was exactly the same: nodding his head and saying "okay". he sometimes uses slurs but also supported me during a project i was doing on being nonbinary and bought me a book written by a trans scholar on christmas.

and i've never done any official coming outs either. in most friend groups, it comes out naturally that i'm queer when we're getting to know each other and it has never been a problem. i've never been met with a negative reaction. (it's worth noting that most of my irl friends are from middle class families, live in big cities and went to very good schools).

and it's not that i'm not aware about queerphobia existing in our society. i read books written by queer people and i read histories of lgbtq+ communities (and it's often pretty bleak). our country is one of the most homophobic countries in europe. the previous government of our country said that "lgbt ideology" and "gender ideology" are a threat to our nation and should be eliminated. i had close queer friends whom i supported when their families and friends didn't accept them. but it all feels one step removed from me.

i can walk alone at 3am around my city (the capital of poland) as a female presenting person with a rainbow handbag and flag pins in a party outfit and nobody ever bothers me. i went to a pride parade this year and there weren't any counter protests, the police were chill and nothing horrible happened. and despite talking with people who used some passive aggressive remarks and weren't completely accepting, i've basically never experienced violent or threatening queerphobia in my life.

i guess it's just interesting to me how much my experiences differ from common queer narratives i observe in media and in real life around me and how my upbringing shaped who i am today.

[l-tora-l-archived]

HELLO CUTIE WHATS UR MAIN BLOG, SHARE PLS XOXO

HIIII sorry for taking like ten centuries to respond to this but like tbh ;; Im quitting tumblr I think. (ALSO UNI PLS IGNORE THIS LOL ITS MAINLY FOR EVERYONE ELSE CAUSE I ALR TOLD YOU ID POST THIS HAHA😭🙏)

Mega explanation under the cut talking abt some of the trashy behaviour I've had to experience on this forsaken app over the years, but mostly how I feel about it so yeah if you don't care that's alr hope everyone has a good life, cause as I said I quit.

I deleted the new blog I ended up making bc this environment has never really been welcoming to me and I can 100% say that tumblr has actively made my experiences with practically everything irl AND online worse than any fruitful goodness it has or could ever bring. From putting my everything into relationships including comfort, support and psychological + therapeutic sessions for people even over ten yrs older than me (at times older) without even getting a single kind thought back, to the genuine rudeness of some people, to the (excuse my language) but half assed and crude responses I receive ... honestly the list is endless.

One thing I'm trying to get better at is to notice when my presence is clearly not wanted and act accordingly. It's just saddening that the one place where it's encouraged to be your true "nerdy" self, as the catchphrase of this site is, I am not allowed to be just that. I really do wonder what part of me is so incredibly intolerable or forgettable, that I am expected to practically grovel for even ten minutes of people's time - and that's with the closest people I know, forget abt ten minutes for regular conversation I can't even get ten minutes from the people I stood with through thick and thin with, even though I myself struggle really hard to be there and yet always am.

From now on I'll just say that no I will definitely not come back, I will also not use this account and if I ever DO come back it would probably just be a call out thread on SOME people who deserve jail time more than silly time on tumblr dot come /hj (but not rlly hj hahejdsj this is so srs and continues to impact my life after almost 2 years ... but ugh what.ever.😀👍). But I'm also a coward ngl so like that would never happen !

I would say "oh btw I have this account you can keep in touch on ! :>" but truthfully, I am so let down by how uninteractive, uncaring and exclusionary everyone is no matter how hard I try to do the best I can to treat others how I'd love to be treated, and how I basically am sweating to keep convos going, bc in truth I don't think anyone rlly likes me enough here or anywhere really to even want to talk to me in general, so I'll spare you all that. The proof is literally in the fact that I've amassed a sizeable following which I am shocked with, yet despite it all I feel so lonely bc nobody even bothers with me at all whilst ppl who just start out get 50 best friends in such a short time frame. I see I am not everyone's cup of tea.

I once thought maybe just maybe I could have a good time online just how everyone suggests that online is better than irl and it is a reprieve for some. Looks like I am eternally unlucky bc how is online on par or perhaps even worse than irl for me ? And make no mistake irl is atrocious to me too.

I do not mean this to be passive aggressive but I just want to communicate my thoughts. If I was being passive aggressive that'd imply that I knew that everyone here was capable of treating me as I wanted, as I have consistently treated my "friends" on here, as a reciprocated effort. But as this thread suggests, that was and can never be a reality for me.

TLDR // not coming back bc :

People genuinely don't care or don't put in any effort at all

Bullies (mean ppl way at the beginning of my account) + I am let down how everyone let TWO whole adults get away with being weird to a then minor (me) right in front of your faces

Very traumatised and uncomfortable being on this app to the point I can barely even socialise at all from the precipitating impacts.

Hope everyone has a good life.

[aspartaime]

I'm in a mood tonight so if anyone who i have ever known see this, let's read further. This is truly so stream of conscious. It's just a general life update.

CW: drug use, mental health themes, emotional?? idk it was to me, SA

My friends on this site, I know we've been out of contact for years. I have been in a season of life where I am extremely sentimental. I look back on my friends I made here/friends I have IRL that also followed me here, and it makes my heart swell.

I was going through some severe mental issues when I was on Tumblr regularly. I've since pinned it down to "being a chronically online, easily influence teenager". There were a lot of things either glorified, justified, and normalized on Tumblr that messed up my nerf ball brain. I was not a great friend because of it. I realize in hindsight as an adult whose brain is less nerf-bally that the lot of you who cared about me must have really cared about me to stick with me through that shit show. This is my formal apology in the least direct or awkward way for my behavior. Know that I love you all and pray your lives are full of home cooked meals and laughter and peaceful Sunday mornings.

Since my PTSD diagnosis I have done a lot of making sense of old memories. My life from age 13 through age 17 is such a blur. My girlfriend doesn't know what to say when I bring it up. You all would love my girlfriend, by the way. We live together now. She's the light of my life. She makes things worth remembering again.

I finally stopped acting like a doormat. My constant need for validation that I experienced in my youth has become a mildly nihilistic disposition. But like, the cool nihilism, where nothing matters so everything is super chill. I realized it doesn't matter if I don't like someone or someone doesn't like me, we all have different preferences and needs and all. I dunno. It's kind of nice to be free of clingy baby hell. I'm attributing that to the PTSD diagnosis as well.

I got into weed. This is not a surprise to anyone who have ever had a conversation with me, I'm sure. I started smoking to take the nightmares away. Then it became just a normal part of my day. I don't abuse it though. I just find that it helps keep my head quiet.

I got in a lot of fights along the way. It's kind of funny. This last fight was really my tipping point into my "go-with-the-flow" phase. Given it was the third (or possibly even fourth? PTSD makes it difficult to care about keeping track) I was sexually assaulted, I just had to make a decision then and there I was done caring. It also reinforced my belief that people who go through hard stuff have a flashing sign over their heads that tell other predators this isn't their first rodeo. At least it felt that way to me. I digress. This person was my best friend, allegedly, and it just blew up on me.

Anyways. All that negative aside I have been doing better than I ever have. My mental health is taken care of. I stimulate my brain and challenge myself with my three jobs, LOL. It keeps e out of trouble. I am with the most darling woman I've ever met. She saved me. My two cats are my prides and joys. I'm in a longplay of the Sims 4 right now.

I sign off on this post by requesting:

If you knew me and took the time to read this, I care for you always. Thank you for helping me get to where I am now, getting me through the hardest years of my life when I was also constantly using this site, and teaching me so much about true friendship. You guys rule.

[zuzsenpai]

This is another personal post with TW mental illness. I'm sorry there have been so many recently. I really have nowhere else to put these things. Feel free to ignore.

I don't think my depression has ever been this bad before, in the almost 13 years I've had it. For maybe the past two months it's been steadily growing to a point of intensity that I can't ignore. The absolutely awful feelings won't go away. I can't stop thinking about how miserable I feel.

I can barely take care of myself. I eat takeout every day. There's garbage everywhere at my house. I can't get shit done at work and at some point people are going to notice. I have multiple really REALLY urgent doctor's appointments/calls I HAVE to make (one of which is to my psychiatrist who apparently I'm blocked from messaging on the healthcare app), yet I can't seem to pick up the phone. I am mentally incapable somehow. There's a wall there.

I have been told to exercise and meditate and I physically and mentally cannot. Again, there is a wall.

I have a video game I wanted to play, I try to play it, and I feel completely unattached to it (even though I have loved it in the past). I joined a really exclusive roleplay community for that game and proceeded to be too overwhelmed to make the character application and now the mods are asking me what I want to do. I haven't written fanfiction in two months because of severe burnout, and I miss it so desperately that it's making me realize I might have been using it as a bandaid/distraction. But my brain is so fried that I feel too overwhelmed to write again. People are leaving me nice comments on my fics and I can't even bring myself to read them let alone respond to them. My memory is so bad that I can't remember a lot of what happens in any of my fave series' and I feel like creating good fan content for those things is impossible at this point.

I'm ignoring online friends in my favorite server. I promised multiple IRL friends I would watch animes they like and I am feeling guilty that I mentally cannot do that. I'm dreading the two anime cons I have coming up in March because I don't think I'm going to feel comfortable in my cosplay this year. I have a close friend (who is also my coworker) who keeps trying to get me to do things with her and her husband and I keep turning them down because I'm worried I'll get overwhelmed by social anxiety and general awkwardness. Just the thought of having awkward social interactions is terrifying me and pushing me down harder than it ever has.

I had a boyfriend between October 2022 and December 2023, but I felt like it was a huge chore every time I had to see him and I developed zero feelings for him. I felt repulsed by the thought of us being romantic. We ghosted each other in December and now I feel like shit about it because he may have been the only chance I'll ever have at a relationship... but I also am in such a bad state that it's probably good things are over. Why don't I feel relieved?

I'm having physical tics in my abdomen and jaw that are getting worse and worse to the point of pain and people noticing. I can't talk to literally anyone without sounding upset, negative, angry. I had my best friends from out of state over a few weekends ago and I was so sick the whole time, I felt like I was letting them down. I've been repeating awkward interactions with friends and coworkers over and over in my head to the point where I think about it at night.

I haven't put my Christmas decorations away because I fucking CAN'T.

This week has been particularly bad. Yesterday I was working from home because of snow. When the snow stopped I rushed to my parents' house because I needed to be somewhere with people I know. But I was so negative in how I spoke with them, and it's making me feel even worse. I used to be really talkative and intelligent when having conversations with my family, but depression has taken that away from me pretty badly over the years, to the point where I can barely talk without thinking about how absolutely dreadful I am at conversation.

But today might be the worst of it (unrelated to Valentine's Day, though it certainly isn't helping). It pained me emotionally and physically to get out of bed, and I wanted to take a mental health day. Literally fell back asleep for an hour before I had to get up and DREAMT about taking a mental health day. But being alone at home is actually so much worse than being at work where there are at least people I am comfortable with. So I went in. I have been absolutely bombarded with depressed feelings all day though. I get up to walk down the hall to the bathroom and somehow that feels worse than sitting and staring at my computer without accomplishing anything. I'm sitting here crying at work, completely destroying the four months of tally marks I had for 'days without crying at work'. I didn't break my record, sadly.

I have a therapist. I have an appointment with her today actually. Maybe I'll just read all of this to her. I don't know where it's going to lead or what she's going to tell me to do, but all I want is to walk down the hall to the bathroom and have at least average, neutral emotions instead of carrying a chest full of raging depression. I want to be able to say something happy to someone so that they don't dump me as a friend for being toxically negative. I want to live, and I have things to live for. But damn if this depression isn't making it extremely difficult to enjoy those things.

[tellywoodtrash]

hiiiii tt!! hope ur doing well <333

i wanted some advice from you, if that's okay. i started college this year and the experience has been ... nothing like i imagined lol. basically, i've been lonely my entire life. i'm also autistic and i think thats part of why its so hard for me to make friends. i really thought college would change that, idk why. its not like i bought into the ultimate karan johar college fantasy or anything like that, i just thought it would be...better than my school life, at least. for the first month, it kind of was. i was talking to lot of people and even getting along with them, at least i thought i did. but then one by one everyone just, like, stopped talking to me??? i don't get it.

like, one of the first friend groups i made in college, almost all of them decided to join a college society together, while i decided not to because i wasn't really interested in that particular club. then they all but forgot about me, once they joined that society. they made new friends over there and of course, all of them were still friends among themselves, but it was like i didn't even exist anymore. maybe i shouldn't take it so personally but i genuinely made an effort to keep that friendship alive and literally got nothing in return from their side.

then i made friends with some other girls in my course and all three of them literally got boyfriends at the exact same time and they started ignoring me too. at this point i feel i am the problem. because the reason all of these people (who i have only known for a few months, at best) abandoning me hurts so much is because this is how i've been treated my entire life. and now i feel like i will never escape it. if i somehow haven't been able to form a genuine bond with ANYONE for my entire 18 years of existence on this earth, clearly something is very wrong with me. i have no friends (never had them in the first place) and i don't even get along with my family. i am so completely alone and i just do not know how to cope with that.

i'm tired of being ghosted by everyone i consider a friend and then only being remembered when they need something. they are only my friend when it's convenient for them. college was supposed to be a fresh start but it just proved that every new "start" of mine will have the same old ending. i hate to let my pessimism get the best of me but i have no hope left in me. i have always felt like i had so much love to give, but no one to give it to. now, however, i don't see the point in trying. i am scared to even try to talk to people at this point, i feel like i will just fuck it up like i always do.

this is way too long already and idek why i'm writing all this but thank you for reading ig. i hope ur doing better than i am 💗

Hi hi friend,

First of alll, come here youuuuu.

Secondly, it's not really you. It's just the age and inherent nature of most 18 year olds; they tend to be a little flaky and unreliable. Couple that with college being the first real taste of freedom desi kids get, and yeah...... This shit tends to happen. You're right in that you shouldn't take it personally. Sometimes people just don't vibe with each other and that's okay. Sometimes people are rude and uncommunicative, and again, that's on them, not you. You shouldn't let this stuff get you down or lose hope in ever finding your tribe. It takes time. Sometimes they're right in front of you and you don't really consider them your "kind" of person, until one random conversation/situation you're thrown into with them proves to you that they indeed are! All I am saying is that you have your whoooooooole life ahead of you, and you're going to meet soooooo many people through it, and you WILL meet someone or the other whose weird will match yours. Whether that be irl or online.

Your line of having so much love to give but no one to give it to really resonated with me, coz I've felt that way so many times in my life too. But there is someone who needs it - YOU. Give yourself that love and consideration. Use this time to build a strong sense of self and have an unshakable bond with yourself. Do the things you love and pamper + better yourself in every way that you feel like. Alone does not have to mean lonely, not at all. There's literally so much you can do by yourself, like take classes, volunteer, etc, that will be such an enriching experience to who you are as a person. In time, whenever your people do show up, they'll be a fun bonus. You won't NEED them, but they'll just be a wholesome addition to your grounded little life that centers all around yourself.

Sending you lots of love 🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖