#but also also maybe getting annoyed at accounting and writing it down is resting?

[tohrinha]

The war between "I should write an accounting textbook because accounting resources are atrocious" and "I should not write a textbook because I hate accounting"

[another-random-paradise]

Hello everything is fine? I just found your account and I'm already in love!!!

I loved your sleepy confession writing post, if it doesn't bother you and only if you want, could you do it for Kalim, Jamil and Ruggie? They are so cute!!! >w<

Oh, and sorry if the English is wrong, it's not my first language...

An even sleepier confession

Thank you for the request and the sweet words!! And don’t worry about your English, it’s great! Plus, it isn’t my first language either, so i get the struggle, haha! :)

——————————————————————————————————

Crush!Reader sleepily telling him, they want to marry him / part one

Characters: Kalim, Jamil, Ruggie

Format: Headcanons

Warnings: None that i can think off

Kalim 

-Chances are, you were at one of his party’s, stayed late, and are too tired to go back to ramshackle 

-so, Kalim being Kalim, annoys convinces Jamil to let you two have a sleepover. The absolute energy boost Kalim gets after getting permission already makes Jamil regret his decision..

-after a long night of story telling (with how many siblings Kalim has, he definitely always has tea to spill), pillow fights, and movie marathons, you finally decide to go to sleep, much to Jamils relief

-Just before you two fall asleep though, you unconsciously make one last comment “Life is always so fun with you, really makes me wanna marry you one day..”

-If you thought you’d get any sleep after a comment like that, you’re wrong! Because Kalim is now wide awake and practically yelling in excitement 

-He’d be asking you if you really meant it, before talking about how you’ll have to meet his family first, especially all his siblings! They’ll love you!! Why don’t you come with him over the next Holidays?! All while being all over you, kind of like an exited puppy are those ears and a tail??, meanwhile you’re just sitting there like ‘oh shit, I said that out loud?!�� 

-It’ll only get worse if you confirm that, yes, you do, in fact, want to be with him and maybe, hopefully, marry him one day 

-Jamil storms in, thinking you two were getting assassinated or something, only to see Kalim hugging you, practically shaking in excitement, talking about all the dates he’ll take you on (and about your wedding of course)

-you sheepishly look over at Jamil, who is staring daggers into you, the message clear ‘you couldn’t have waited until morning?’. If looks could kill, Jamil would have cut you into a three course meal just now :D 

-Jamil tells him to quiet down, so the rest of the dorm can rest

-Kalim continues to whisper-yell, till eventually you two fall asleep cuddling 

-the next day, half the school already knows about your now relationship, partially because the entirety of scarabia could hear him, and partially because Kalim can’t keep his mouth shut-

-He is so hung up on that marriage comment, that he might accidentally introduce you as his fiancée a few times!

Jamil

-you, being the kind soul that you are, probably decided to help him out with his chores around Scarabia 

-But unlike him, you aren’t used to so much work, No matter how much Crowley tries to overwork you so eventually you’re just straight up exhausted.

-Jamil brings you to one of the many couches, but he makes sure it’s one away from the business of the dorm, he wouldn’t want you to be disturbed while you sleep he cares to much about you for that

-He picks up the few dirty plates some other students left behind, as you get comfortable, which is a very easy task, considering all those silk blankets and soft pillows! You mumble something a mere second before falling asleep. “You’re so caring, Jamil… makes me want to marry you even more than i already to..”

-Jamil halts in his tracks, he almost drops the plates he was carrying! Partially because he’s flustered, but also because a part of him hoped you wouldn’t like him back and the crush would pass.. not that it ever would have

-He is lost in thought as he makes his way to the kitchen, he almost even runs into another student

-Jamil likes you, he really does, there’s no doubt there, but he’s worried more than anything. He doesn’t have time for love!

-not only would you distract him from keeping Kalim from accidentally getting himself killed, but his work would mean that he’d have little to no time to spend with you.. not to mention if you get married, you and your future children would be forced to work for the Asim family too- Unless..

-If he takes you’re last name, instead of him yours, neither of you would be a part of the Viper name any longer. Instead of him enslaving you into service, you could free him from his life of servitude.

-And you always find ways to hang out, despite how busy he is

-He continues to work, now with a smile on his face. 

-Maybe this could work out after all :)

Ruggie

-Another one who you were probably helping with work

-Usually he’d refuse help, he doesn’t want to be indebted to anyone, but hey, it’s an excuse to spend more time with you, so he’ll make an exception 

-Afterwards, your beat.. even after book 3 and knowing him for a while, you never could have guessed how much work just one certain Lion could make.

-He lays down next to you, either making a sarcastic or teasing comment as he does.

-As always, you laugh in response, but this time you follow it up with “You’re a great guy, you know that? I hope i get to marry you one day..”

-His usual smug smirk, is gone. Just like that. It’s replaced by absolute shock

-He turns to you, to question you about it, only to see you’re already in the land of dreams 

-Ruggie doesn’t know how to feel, He is shocked, flustered, and most of all, confused. Yes, he is happy that you like him back, it just confuses him.

-You’re in a school filled with rich guys and literal Royalty. So, by the seven, why would you like a guy like him? Especially since your first meeting was literally him stealing a sandwich from your son friend! 

-But it makes him smile, in a school filled with rich people, someone as amazing as you, still chooses him, so he must be really great, right?

-Now he’s even more determined to get a good job, so that he can give you and your possible children a good life!

-He just hopes his Grandma and the kids will like you.. nah, he’s sure they will, you’re you! 

-He won’t immediately make his move to ask you out, but he’s definitely working on it! He would be a bit more hesitant about asking you out (Even after you basically asked to marry him) if you’re a girl, as in nature male hyenas are naturally more submissive towards the female they’re trying to court 

This was so much fun to write, thank you so much for the request!!

Feedback is welcomed, just please be nice!! Hope you all have a nice day <3

[so-much-for-the-seashells]

Logan Howlett, the man you are. (Headcanons!!)

Minors, do not interact.

A/N: Y’all. I’ve been in a writing rut, but something about Logan- and Huge Jackedman, by extension- regaining his moment in the spotlight has gotten me back at it. Hugh was 1000% the reason I found out that I have a thing for dilfs, and let me tell you, I ain’t mad about it. To quote one author, who I can’t remember off the top of my head but wrote a KILLER breeding kink fic for Wolvie, “before there was Jensen Ackles, there was Hugh Jackman.” If you know me or my work, you know I’m a Jackles girl, but Hugh? Hugh will always get me going, whether he’s a ringleader, a robot shadow boxer, or otherwise.

TLDR I’m so in love with Hugh/Logan again. I always am, but I’m really on fire rn. Don’t worry, I will be continuing the 2SC series, but I needed this.

As always, all interaction, especially your words, is so very much appreciated!! I hope you like this one! Also, thank you for 120 followers! This account is maybe three months old, this is an insane milestone.

CW: it’s really just soft with a side of spice, the most flavorful being daddy/breeding.

-first of all, this man is a the biter.

-and it’s not always in a sexual sense

-he’ll just walk up to you and gently graze his teeth against your exposed shoulder or neck

-especially at night, after sex or not. He’ll be holding you close- you’re the little spoon ofc🎀- and just nibble on the juncture of your neck and shoulder while you cuddle into him

-honestly, it doesn’t hurt. And he only leaves marks if he wants to, ie when he’s balls deep inside of your little cunt OR wanting to remind the world who you belong to

-he’s just got a bit of an oral fixation is all

-speaking of which, he could be between your thighs for the rest of eternity and he’d be fine with it. He LOVES when you tug on his hair as he makes you squirm, only needing one strong hand to hold you down

-he goes feral when he sees you wearing his shirts

-loves to throw you over his shoulder and to play fight

-he’s interested in anything you’re interested in

-mans can’t cook to save his life but adores watching you and “helping”

-aka being all up in your business when you’re literally just trying to chop an onion

-he can be clingy. Not in a whiny way, in a playfully annoying way.

-will always find a way to make you late to anything. Sometimes it’s for the sake of a quickie, other times it’s because he wants one more kiss or to see the last five minutes of whatever show you guys watch together

-if you’re into daddy, he’s into daddy. Especially if you’re significantly younger than him

-he likes to squish you- your boobs, tummy, ass, wherever. He loves your body for what it is and loves you

-this man is so in love with you, by the way

-he’s old as hell but if you teach him how to text he’ll text you sporadically throughout the day. Sometimes it’s really blurry, almost impossible to decipher, pictures of things that remind him of you, other times it’s “When will you be home?” even though he’s already called you to ask four times. That’s mainly on his days off though- if he’s not doing something or you then he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

-that’s not to say he’s not always thinking of you. On missions, wherever, you’re the first thing in his mind. Give him a locket with a picture of the two of you and chances are he’ll wear it forever

-oh back to the other one he totally texts like an old man. If you try to use slang, or even just use “u,” you’ll confuse him so bad that he’ll think he’s in the future or that you’re speaking a different language. He also doesn’t like emojis, unfortunately 😞

-he’s got a sweet tooth. Loves to bake with you- he can’t cook but he can make a mean batch of snickerdoodles. No one knows why, and he’ll never offer any explanation.

-speaking of sweets that’s why he loves eating you out so much, because you taste so sweet to him

-and all of his nicknames are sweet based- sweetheart, sweets, sugar, etc- with the exception of darling which coming from him would put anyone on their knees immediately

-speaking of being on your knees he loves when you do it. Not as much as he loves eating you out, but he does enjoy a solid blow once in a while

-he’s a sucker for cockwarming, even if it’s barely sexual. Just as a way to be close. If you don’t mind him smoking he’ll smoke a cigar while you do so, and get into a nice soft headspace

-the kink of his that annoys him the most is breeding. He doesn’t want kids (unless you do, which is its own conversation. Personally I don’t so works for me haha) but when he’s balls deep, pushing you into the mating press, it doesn’t matter. Especially if you’re in a place where he can fuck you raw all the time- ie you take the pill, have had a hysterectomy, etc- then he will, and he will always spill his seed deep in you, mind filling with pictures of you all round and swollen and cute even if it’s impossible

-however it is hot when he gets in that headspace regardless of if kids are in the question or not

-hang on I thought of something else and then I forgot it

-uhh

-oh that’s it. Praise. Loves getting it, loves receiving it. If you’re more receptive to degradation he’ll give you that, but he loves telling you what a good girl you are

-also has a blast with brat taming

-anyways back to the soft stuff

-he loves domestic life. Curling up with you on the couch with fluffy blankets and snacks, watching rom coms and other cheesy movies

-he’ll rest his head in your lap if you’re drawing, crocheting, reading, etc

-he loves being petted. Your hands in his hair, tracing his muscles, whatever. It makes him so happy and it’s soothing for him

-and we all know how he’s mr gruff n tuff, right?? Well if he’s really eepy and lying on his lap while you stroke his hair, there’s an ever slight chance you can get him to purr. Don’t tease him about it, though, or he’ll get super self conscious

-if you like to workout he’ll work out with you

-he really likes to box to blow off steam, but if it’s with you and you’re not a fellow mutant it’s more play fighting than anything, but it’s still fun

-he’s a sucker for cheesy dates

-call him ‘Lo’ or ‘Wolvie,’ or any nickname that fits him. He thinks it’s adorable, and owns it. He also gives you like fifty nicknames of his own.

-he loves long walks on the beach if it’s accesible, hiking’s also fun to him

-he’ll never take his anger out on you, ever

-he loves reading with you, just sitting in comfortable silence with your respective books

-that’s all for now!!

If you have any ideas for ficlets or headcanons, my asks box is always open!! Xx

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

This is a fandom thing

AITA for accusing that publicly someone of intentionally posting their fics whenever I posted?

For context, I am autistic and write some fics that I post on AO3. But I ended up deleting my account there because some people started leaving me pornographic comments on the fics. All those comments were deleted along with the stories.

I will get to the main story now. I posted fics for a ship that I liked, but I also noticed that the fics barely got any views. So I decided to check the tags and see that someone else had also posted something which pushed my fics down from being the top post. I thought it was no big deal at first.

The second time I posted a fic for the ship, the same person also posts something around the same time. Once again, their fic pushed mine down from being on the top. And from what I saw, they got twice as many viewer interactions as I did. I thought that maybe it was just a coincidence that they posted when I did.

But then it happened a third time, then a fourth time, then a fifth time. Every time I posted for that ship, they posted something for that ship. I spoke to some friends about it and they said that they did not think it was just a coincidence. They were sure that this person was doing it with malicious intent.

Why would they think that you may ask? Because before I started posting my fics, I had said that I did not think it was fair that the ship had more fics for the male version of the mc than for the female version of the mc and that we could band together and post more fics for her. And then that person had made a since deleted post about how "female [character name] stans are the most annoying and obnoxious people in existence. All they do is boo hoo and whine when they don't get their content. If they are so upset, then those dumbasses should make the content themselves."

I decided to message this person because I saw that they had a tumblr account, and they just ignored all my messages. I ended up joining a discord servers they were in and I messaged them about how they kept posting fics when I did. They ignored my dms but were active in the servers. Since they kept ignoring me, I called them out in the server. Only then did they respond to me. They told me that it was just a coincidence and that I was just being overly sensitive. The other members in the server got on their side and called me rude and unprofessional for not keeping it in dms. I told them that I tried to but I kept getting ignored. The other members told me not to take the fic posting thing seriously and that it was no big deal and that I should just drop it instead of being upset.

I kept quiet after that and went back to posting fics for the ship, but the same person continued to post whenever I did. I pointed it out to the rest of the server and they called me an asshole for bringing it up again. So I just deleted everything on ao3 and left all the servers. I feel like giving up on writing now. It sucks because that was something I loved doing, but this experience has soured it for me.

So AITA for accusing that publicly someone of intentionally posting their fics whenever I posted?

What are these acronyms?

[y-rhywbeth2]

D&D Vampire Lore Dump #2

"Biology" Their "metabolism" and their physical body, their senses, why they're not aging and "vampires actually make fantastic torture victims, if you're a monster: vampire healing and how to inflict scars on them."

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER FOR FIRST TIME READERS: There are two things to note about the lore presented here: First, while the standard stat block in the monster manual is the default, in terms of lore vampires have this annoying tendency to be incredibly, stupidly varied. They are magical monstrosities ruled by the power of symbolism and superstition above anything else.

The next is that D&D is decades old, spans five editions, several settings and hundreds of writers. One guy establishes a piece of lore, and then the next picks it up goes "nah" and writes something else. I collected info from four different source books, all from different editions, which naturally don't entirely agree on how vampires work. Lore never stays consistent and may contradict itself. You may see information somewhere else from a source I don't have that contradicts what I wrote here. If you read this and like some of this stuff but not other bits, take the good and ditch the rest. Larian themselves have not written BG3 totally compliant with some established D&D lore or the original games.

Basically, in D&D, canon is what you decide it is.

Feeding | "Biology" | Hierarchy | Weaknesses and Cures | Psychology

The transformation into a vampire causes little physical change, except for the fangs, and the fact that their facial features seem take on a permanent hardened expression, appearing more "feral" in a way that is likened to a starving wolf. Spawn moreso than freed vampires, and in 5e they have claws despite the fact that freed vampires don't. Rarely a vampire's eyes turn red upon changing, but this doesn't usually happen. Their eyes do start glowing red when they're angry through.

Most of the vampire's five senses are sharpened by undeath. They can see perfectly in the dark, for example, and are very hard to catch off guard. The only one that gets duller than it was when they were alive is the sense of touch - "a blunt, phantom sense of touch, more mechanical than biological. It is a pale, crude approximation of a real tactile sense." They don't feel the effects of physical exertion and their ability to feel pain is dulled (but not nonexistent). They're not particularly bothered by high or cold temperatures unless they're at extremes (like frostbite levels, or "standing by a lava pool" levels). They're also largely unbothered by electric shocks.

They don't breathe, though they do actually have a heartbeat as their blood still gets pumped around their body. It doesn't provide any biological need of a living circulatory system, but is possibly part of keeping the body animated via magic.

Vampires do not produce body heat and tend to be room temperature to the touch unless they've fed within the last 24 hours, in which case they appear alive.

Lacking brain activity on account of being dead, vampires are immune to mind effecting spells and psionics. The fact that Astarion is affected by the tadpole is likely due to Netherese magic. The parasite is canonically modifying his undead state to its needs and has shut down his vampiric abilities, as he observes in one banter.

Their physical abilities massively increase. They have superhuman strength, speed and reflexes and are far more durable than the living.

Vampiric blood looks like humanoid blood at first glance, but takes on a golden sheen when held up to a light source. Also if the vampire it came from is still alive, then that blood can have strange magic properties… which are random! Maybe it burns like acid, or puts you under mind control if you touch it, or explodes into flame when exposed to sunlight! You won't know 'til you find out, it could do anything or nothing.

Vampires are capable of siring partially-undead children with the living (Dhampirs). Dhampirs are alive but as they grow up and their undead heritage starts to manifest they begin to share their vampire parent's cravings and feeding habits and are not terribly fond of said parent, as a rule.

Vampires are the only undead that require sleep. That turned out to be a very long topic of its own though, so maybe I'll focus on the details another time. Short version: Vampires have an instinctive knowledge of how close sunrise is. Some vampires can chose to sleep much like humans, others will immediately shut down the second the sun appears over the horizon and be dead until the moment it next sinks below said horizon, at which point the vampire is 1000% aware and awake again. They are bound to soil from their grave/homeland and must sleep on/in that or be destroyed. In BG3 specifically, looking at Cazador, elves still reverie (trance) in undeath. (In reverie, elves relive their memories of years gone by in vivid real time instead of dreaming. It's how elves avoid forgetting their own lives while living 700+ years) Vampires also hibernate, where they chose to go into a deep sleep for an unknown and uncontrollable length of time reaching centuries in length. Usually due to depression.

A vampire's body is frozen in time, and they will always have the same appearance they had when they died. The magic that keeps the vampire frozen in time, unageing, also gives them regenerative properties as it tries to reset them. Within minutes of receiving a wound, the wound has closed itself as if it were never there. "Wounds close, broken bones reform themselves, even missing limbs regenerate…" Reducing a vampire to 0 hit points also does not kill them, but that's for a later instalment. If one were to torture a vampire one could get both incredibly creative and make it last indefinitely.

They also can't get new tattoos or piercings, as the body heals them over again and pushes out the ink/metal. On the same logic if they had body modifications before they died then they'd never be able to get rid of them - if you scrape off the skin a tattoo is on or tore off a pierced lobe, the skin that grows back will still have the tattoo and the ear will have the hole for the earing still there.

However, there are forms of magical damage that inflict permanent marks on a vampire, which are called stigmata. Sunlight, holy water, holy symbols and the like are known to leave a scar. A silver plated blade might also do it.

There are two energy planes: Positive and Negative. Also known as the Planes of Life and Death, whose energies infuse the Prime Material Plane (which contains worlds like Earth and Toril). Living creatures are powered by positive energy (also called "radiant"), while the undead are animated by negative energy ("necrotic"). It's actually theorised that the undead somehow exist on the Prime Material Plane and the Negative Energy Plane simultaneously, though this seems gets into a lot of planar lore and conflicting information that I'm not going into. Traditionally, due to this difference, the undead are healed by spells made of negative/necrotic energy such as Inflict Wounds spells, but in reverse would be harmed by healing spells. 5e has not included this detail, that I've seen.

[yokohamapound]

BSD Characters React to Getting Shat On By A Bird 🕊️

No, I'm totally not writing these to make myself feel better after getting bird-splattered on my way home from work. T-T

Characters: Osamu Dazai, Nakahara Chuuya, Kunikida Doppo, Akutagawa Ryuunosuke, Nakajima Atsushi, Sigma

Contents: 💩

Osamu Dazai

Dazai might react in one of two ways.

If he's on his own, it's a muted, annoyed kind of disgust. He just feels the impact and sighs.

"Ugh, really?"

He might shove his head into the Yokohama river to try and wash it out. Whether or not he remembers to pull his head up again is another story.

If he's around other people, however, Dazai hams it up more than a pig in a blanket.

His whole body clenches, his shoulders hunching toward his ears and his hands hovering near his hair but not quite touching it. His face is an exaggerated rictus of disgust.

"Get it off, get it off, get it off! Eww!"

He runs at Kunikida and tries to wipe it off on him, only to get himself punted across the room. That isn't enough to stop Dazai, though. He'll theatrically pour water over himself, retching, gagging, and bemoaning his bad luck and the cruel fates for doing this to him.

Nakahara Chuuya

Thankfully, Chuuya's lovely red hair is safe from the bird shit thanks to his hat, but on the other hand, his hat. He freezes as soon as he feels the splatter against his hat. Reaching up slowly, he takes the brim of his hat between thumb and forefinger and lifts it off his head.

Chuuya's face contorts with anger and disgust. There's shit on his hat. There's shit on his hat.

He resists the urge to drop the hat in disgust, since that might damage it further. Instead his ire snaps upward toward the bird that just ass-bombed him. Little does it know that its victim is not bound by the laws of gravity. Chuuya can follow it.

And that he fucking does.

He shoots into the air, cracking the asphalt underfoot, and goes gunning after the hapless bird, which is probably terrified to find a pissed-off ginger zooming after it at mach speeds.

Later, once the bird is 'taken care of' Mafia-style, Chuuya will take his soiled hat to a specialist cleaning place. Yes, he's got a hat cleaning place—this is Chuuya we're talking about.

Kunikida Doppo

Kunikida does not have time for this. Perhaps it is a personal failing, but he didn't account for the potential of being shat on by a bird en route to the office in the morning. Now he's standing there with egg on his face and crap on his hair, regretting his life choices.

Frustration builds in him like a volcano, but he forces himself to take a deep breath. As long as he is calm and rational about this, it should not impact his precious schedule too much.

Thankfully, he does have all manner of supplies to hand. Namely a water bottle and a handkerchief to try and clean himself off as best he can in the nearest reflective surface. He uses his handy dandy notebook to conjure up a solid shampoo bar and cleans himself up.

All in all, he only ends up being three minutes, thirty-seven seconds late to the office. No one even notices, but Kunikida is left irked for the rest of the day. Also, he doesn't know how but he's sure Dazai is behind it somehow. Maybe he's been teaching the birds how to target blonde men with glasses, preparing months in advance for just this day.

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke

Akutagawa goes still, and his eyes go very, very wide, until you feel like you're staring down tunnels into the Abyss. The bird guano is stark white against his dark hair. His nostrils flare.

"RASHOUMON."

A tendril of darkness slices from the back of his coat and slashes the bird in midair, sending feathers spiralling down to dust the earth around him.

He stares down at the offending creature's carcass like an god of dark justice.

"Foul beast."

Growing up in the slums, Akutagawa was used to being dirty, covered in mud, blood, and all kinds of filth, but he will not take the disrespect of any man nor beast, least of all a pigeon.

Nakajima Atsushi

This is not the first time for poor, unfortunate Atsushi, and probably not the last. He flinches when the splatter lands on top of his head, automatically closing his eyes. He's used to being spat on or having food poured over his head.

"Ah, jeez."

At least the bird crap isn't personal.

Atsushi probably just snips off the locks of befouled hair and then scrubs his hands. His hair is already a tufty mess, and he's usually too busy running around for the Agency to run home and shower again. That is, until Kunikida hears what happens and sprays him with disinfectant.

Sigma

Poor Sigma. Doesn't he have enough on his plate without being target practice for a bird who doesn't eat enough fibre? He's under enough stress already.

The bird shit is the tipping point, and he might just cry.

His face twitches when he feels it. The cold dollop on his head, ruining his pretty hair, making his neck want to retract back into his spine. His eyes widen as he looks upward to see the feckless offender flying away, soon lost to the horizon as it flies beyond the reach of the Sky Casino.

Sigma gags, his hands fluttering a little as he doesn't know what to do. He's only three years old and this has never happened to him before.

He runs toward his private quarters, lest anyone see the General Manager looking so undignified. He flings himself into his bathroom and sticks his head directly under the shower, running the water as hot as he can stand.

He washes it twice. Thrice. Then wraps it in a hair mask and huddles in his quarters with a stiff drink and his hair in a towel. Poor thing.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

CONGRATS ON 500 FOLLOWERS WOOO!! its been a little over a year since ive found your writting, how time flies T-T Could you possibly write a platonic gojo & reader oneshot where its just snippets of Gojo's first year teaching and the reader is a 1st year student not part of jujutsu society? I'd prefer if the mc had a somewhat introverted personality while being grumpy bc of being forced to attend the school. U can change their behaviour to what u feel more comfortable writing if u want tho!!

── THE SCHOLAR

Synopsis: A short snippet of how Satoru Gojo convinces you to be his first student in full.

Event Masterlist

Pairing: Gojo & Reader

Chapter Word Count: 2.6k

Content Warnings: not many tbh…reader is a d1 hater of gojo and ino ig?? also just a hater in general LMAO she does NOT want to be there

A/N: wow anon i can’t believe it’s been a year since you found my account and that you’ve stuck around for so long, that means a lot to me!! i apologize for how long this took me and how short it is 😫 it was a bit difficult for me to write gojo as a teacher without feeling like i was just rehashing his dynamic w a previous y/n i’ve written 😓 but i hope this is somewhat close to what you wanted?? also idk if you’ve read my fic pomegranate ink or not but i did throw in a reference to it at one point so props to anyone who catches that hehe

Additional: part of my 500 follower event! see the event description and rules to make a request of your own.

You weren’t really sure what cause your classmate had to be as pleased as he was, but for some reason, the boy was bouncing in his seat, scribbling down notes with the fervor of a scholar — though you were quite certain that he was nothing of the sort, at least not when his test scores were taken into consideration. 

“Hey,” you whispered, tossing an eraser at his head when your teacher’s back was turned. “Ino. What’s the big deal? We’re not even learning anything yet, so what are you writing down?”

“Are you kidding me? Gojo just told us an entire story of his past. That’s valuable information!” Ino said. You frowned at him.

“It’s not valuable information, because he’s so prone to embellishment that he’s all but an author at this point. Besides, do you think you, or anyone else for that matter, will ever face seven first grades and come out the winner, without even a scratch?” you said.

“He’s the strongest sorcerer in the world, though, so it’s feasible for him,” Ino said.

“Right,” you said, rolling your eyes. “Maybe for him, but not for anyone else. This is just bragging under the guise of an educational opportunity. We’re never going to be powerful enough to replicate such a feat, so what’s the use in wasting our time talking about it?”

“You’re such a spoil-sport,” Ino huffed. “We’re the first students to ever get to learn from Satoru Gojo, and somehow, you’re complaining about it? That’s ridiculous no matter what way you put it!”

“Is everything okay?” 

Both you and Ino jumped as Satoru Gojo appeared in front of your desks, peering down at you over the lenses of his dark glasses. He didn’t seem annoyed that you were talking while he was ‘teaching’; in fact, he looked excited, as if he wanted to join in the conversation as well. You could imagine him pulling up a chair and resting his chin in his hands as he gossiped with you, and it made you scoff.

“Everything’s fine. We were just wondering when you were actually going to start the lesson,” you said.

“She was wondering that!” Ino rushed to clarify. You shot him a dirty look out of the corner of your eye, which he ignored — you supposed loyalty didn’t mean much to him, as you two weren’t really friends and therefore couldn’t inspire much loyalty in one another regardless. “I was telling her how fascinated I am by the story you were telling!”

“Suck-up,” you hissed.

“Stupid,” he hissed back. Gojo clapped his hands, returning to the front of the classroom with a distinctly unacademic swagger to his step that made you internally fume.

“No worries, we’re just getting to that part! Today, we’ll go over some basic curse theory,” he said, drawing simplistic shapes on the chalkboard to accompany his explanations. As usual, Ino was absorbed by the standard bullshit Gojo spouted, but you found it to be so boring that you actually began to nod off, catching up on the sleep you had missed last night due to a mission which had run later than expected.

Unlike Ino, who had been automatically enrolled in the school because of his family lineage, you had been scouted as a fresh talent by Satoru Gojo himself. It had been a long conversation, and he had only managed to convince you in the end by telling you all about Kaito Hinode, the well-regarded first year teacher who you would study under. Hinode was a sorcerer you believed you wouldn’t have trouble respecting, and so you begrudgingly agreed to attend the school and give the whole notion of ‘jujutsu sorcery’ a shot.

Then Hinode retired, mere weeks before you were set to begin at the school, and his replacement was revealed to be none other than that irreverent, inept, and decidedly unserious man who you had secretly hoped you would not see much more of: Satoru Gojo.

You didn’t even want to be a sorcerer in active duty, but the theoretical side of it interested you to an almost unhealthy extent. You spent days upon days studying the workings of curses and cursed energy, to the point that you could be considered almost an expert. That was the only thing cheering you about coming to the school, that you’d get to discuss with individuals on your level, and so it had been such a heartbreaking disappointment when Gojo, who cared little about the causes and more about the results, was the only proper sorcerer you came into frequent contact with.

The other teachers didn’t have time to entertain your pestering, far too busy with their own students, which meant that Gojo was really your only option. And of course you had tried — really, you had. You had presented him with your questions and ideas, but he had only made a face and told you that studying curse theory to this extent wouldn’t help anyone, and least of all yourself.

He wanted you to learn how to fight, but you didn’t care for that. You didn’t want to fight. If you could spend the rest of your days shut away in a study, reading your books and taking notes on them, then you’d be quite content. You were reluctant to go on missions, even if you were ten times better than your peers, and you often dragged your feet heading into your practical classes. More than once, Ino had had to hoist you over his shoulders and sprint to the training field so that you were not both late, and you knew that you probably shouldn’t be so harsh on him given that, but because it meant that you had to exert yourself on the battlefield instead of rereading your favorite essays, his good intentions only made you resent him more.

“You know, you could really be a great sorcerer,” Gojo said to you one day. You were sitting on a bench while Ino did exercises, ink smudging your hand as you meticulously annotated a book that the principal had given to you. You blinked up at him, amazed once again at how tall he was. He blocked out the sunlight, his shadow looming over you in a way that would’ve been ominous if he wasn’t so typically harmless.

“Hm?” you said, returning to your book when you realized he wasn’t going to say anything of importance. “Sure, I guess I could be.”

“Becoming a first grade isn’t an impossibility for you. It’s something attainable, which is incredibly rare for someone as young as you,” he continued.

“Right,” you said.

“Do you care about that, though?” he said.

“Nope,” you said. “I have no interest in being a first grade sorcerer. It just means more dangerous missions, doesn’t it? I don’t care about all of that.”

“It also means a higher salary,” he said.

“Probably not high enough to make up for the risks,” you said.

“Well, it’s pretty high, though only you can decide if it makes up for the risks or not,” he said.

“Listen, sir, I’m only even here because you told me I could further my studies with people renowned in their fields. Do you mind telling me what field you’re renowned in? Because for some unfathomable reason, you’ve ended up as my teacher,” you said.

��I’m…the strongest sorcerer? In the world?” he said, though the way he phrased it made it seem like he was asking you instead of telling. You shrugged.

“That’s an intrinsic talent. You didn’t learn to be that way; you were just born with it. Sure, you had to practice, but practicing and studying are different. Anyways, even if you are the strongest soldier, I think we’ve established that that’s not something I’m interested in. I was supposed to be under the tutelage of wise and experienced professors, but instead, I’m being instructed by you, who’s barely even a few years my elder and has never taught before,” you said, closing your book and holding it to your chest, smiling tightly at him. “I’m staying here because my parents already paid the tuition fee, but I’m not happy about it. Just so you know.”

“If you’re a first grade sorcerer, you also get more access to information,” he said after a moment. “Stuff behind a million clearances that only people of a sufficiently high rank get access to.”

You froze, your eyes brightening at the thought of this forbidden knowledge. You already knew that you were missing several key pieces in your preliminary research, but no matter how hard you looked, you had never been able to find the answers to the seemingly obvious questions. Was this why? Was it really because you did not have the seniority to warrant the understanding?

“Is that truly the case?” you said.

“I can’t help you in terms of books and learning and all of that boring stuff,” he said. “But if you put in a bit more effort, I can turn you into someone that the higher ups listen to, instead of the other way around.”

You mulled this over before nodding, standing up and leaving your book on the bench.

“Okay. I’ll do as you tell me to, but like I said earlier, I’m not going to be happy about it,” he said.

“Who cares? You can be the gloomiest girl alive!” he said, reaching out to ruffle your hair. “Let’s work together, Y/N!”

“I’m your student,” you reminded him. “Not your friend.” 

He waved you off. “You’re old enough to be both. Now let’s get to training!”

It was horrible, being Gojo’s favorite student. For one, Ino was jealous — although soon enough he found another mentor to cotton on to, and then your relationship with him mended into something a little more cordial and polite. For another, Gojo had this strange penchant for throwing you into impossible situations and watching in glee as you struggled to get out of them.

His missions also tended to be errands disguised as pressing matters. Once, he made you run around Tokyo, stopping in various stores so that you could improve your conditioning — stores which just so happened to carry the items on his week’s grocery list. Another time, you single-handedly had to exorcise every single curse harassing a nearby bakery — a bakery which just so happened to carry a specialty flavor of cake that was his new favorite. Whenever you complained about the silly chores, he asked if the exercise had made you stronger or not. You would begrudgingly admit that it had, and then he’d tell you that you should just think of it as a win-win scenario and stop whining.

“Y/N!” That was how it always began: he would shout your name as he entered the classroom, usually accompanying it with a wad of paper or some other, similarly harmless object sent flying your way. You’d catch it in one hand and glare at him.

“What?” This would prompt him to explain his ridiculous plan for the day, after which he would turn to Ino and hand him his assignments. He had gotten special permission from the school to train you in this non-orthodox manner, given that you were so far ahead in any material that giving you homework would be redundant and a waste of time for all parties involved. For his part, Ino did not complain, for he had long ago lost interest in training with Gojo, who was admittedly terrible at actually explaining anything of note.

You made a good pair, you and Gojo, or at least as good of a pair as could be made given the circumstances. As the year went on, you grew more and more familiar with the reasoning behind his atypical style, and though you would never cease to complain, it was more lighthearted, a habit instead of a genuine gripe.

“You’ll be promoted any day now,” Gojo told you on the last day of your first year — the last day that he would be your director supervisor. “They’re waiting for you to grow a bit older, but it’s maturity you lack, not talent. If you participate in the Exchange Event next year, you’ll get the recommendations you need without a problem.”

“If?” you said, picking up on what he had left unsaid. “Isn’t it mandatory? Why wouldn’t I participate?”

“It’s mandatory if you’re living on campus, yes,” he said.

“And what cause would I have to not be living on campus?” you said.

“You’re interested in curse theory, aren’t you?” he said. When you nodded, he sighed. “Still? I was hoping you’d have moved on by now…well, I can get an alternate course of study approved for you by the principal, if you want.”

“An alternate course? What would that entail?” you said.

“One of my fellow special grade sorcerers, Yuki Tsukumo, specializes in researching the exact types of things you find so fascinating. If she agrees to it, then you could serve as an assistant of sorts to her. It’ll be like an internship or something. She won’t let you slack off — it’ll be much worse than anything I put you through, that’s for certain — but if that’s the path you want to take, then it’s an option,” he said.

You had never loved him quite as much as you did in that moment. Without even taking a moment to think about it, you nodded enthusiastically, beaming at him.

“Yes! Yes, Gojo, sir, that would be ideal. I’ve read some of the proposals Tsukumo’s submitted to the higher ups, and oh, if I got to work with her, it would be such a dream,” you said.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” he said. “She still has to agree to it.”

“Do you think she’ll say no?” you said.

“Maybe at first,” he said. “After she meets you, though? No way. You’re my pupil, after all. You’ll be the most impressive student she’s ever taken under her wing — and I can attest to the fact that you’ll be far and away the most dedicated.”

You supposed you had some things to thank him for, then. The corners of your lips twitched as you bowed your head at him, causing him to grunt in confusion; after all, you had never shown him such deference before.

“You’re not that bad as a teacher,” you said. “You know, for it being your first time, I think you did alright.”

“Yeah?” he said eagerly before composing himself, clearing his throat before speaking again. “Yeah, I guess you turned out just fine.”

“Thank you for everything, Gojo,” you said. “Please know that you’ll always have an ally in me.”

His black sunglasses slid down the bridge of his nose, just a bit, but enough that you could see the way his eyes softened ever so slightly. Then he reached out and socked you in the arm affectionately.

“Considering how often I butt heads with the higher ups, I might call upon you one day,” he said. “Don’t make that kind of promise lightly, is what I’m saying.”

“I’m not making it lightly,” you said. “If you call upon me, I’ll come. That’s what you do for someone who’s changed your life, right?”

Even the shades he had shoved back into position could not hide the breadth of his smile nor the depth of his fondness. He nodded, slowly at first and then quickly, like he wanted you to be very sure of his agreement.

“True,” he said, and then he patted you on the head. “Guess that means you can call on me whenever you want, too. I’ll be there.”

You smiled at him over your shoulder as you left for the summer and thought that you might never be so fortunate — or unfortunate — as to have a teacher quite like him again.

[abhainnwhump]

Hello! I know you have your own life, but I want to make sure you are ok!

Hi. Thank you for asking. Unfortunately, I'm not.

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a month, I've had no motivation to. I'm not sure if I even will because of how toxic the internet and fandom has become. I've thought about it all month and Jakei's departure was the final nail in the coffin. For my general whump fans who don't know, Jakei is the creator of Underverse, my biggest inspiration, discontinued the project due to harassment for frankly petty drama. She didn't deserve it and screw everyone who harassed her.

The last two chapters would've been an epilogue and a bonus chapter. The epilogue is about Nightmare and Ribbon's life 4 years in the future. They have a daughter, Aurora, and Nightmare has almost full control of the multiverse. Nightmare has a meeting with Dream regarding the rescue group Core Frisk started. Dream attempts to snap out of mind control and tries to attack Ribbon and Aurora, but Nightmare stops him. He sends Ribbon and Aurora to the dollhouse Ribbon made out of the Star Sanses' base. Blue is there with a prisoner that annoyed him, bringing him to Ribbon to take care of. Ribbon gets excited and has a tea party with the prisoner. The catch is the tea is poisoned and Ribbon brutally transforms him into a fluffy plush owl. He adds it to his collection and spends the rest of the time hanging out with Blue.

The bonus chapter is about two stories. One is the creation of Aurora and the other is about Core Frisk and how they're handling the apocalypse. Nightmare still wants an heir even if Ribbon is unsure and nervous about the process. He pressures him into it and Ribbon agrees. It's Horror's birthday and after the celebrations, Nightmsre takes Ribbon away to perform the spell. Later, the little soul (literally) is raised on a pillow. Ribbon spends all his time taking care of it like a good totally not brainwashed housewife would do.

Meanwhile, Core Frisk sent a team out for a rescue mission and had to step in and help after being overwhelmed by infected monsters. They manage to get away but Core notices Underfell Sans trying to hide something. They force Fell to hand over their arm to reveal it's scratched and infected. Core quickly amputates it so he's safe. Then they have an encounter with Epic, who sent the monsters in their direction in the first place for a "fun little trap".

The toxicity is not an Undertale/ UTMV fandom only issue, rather I see it in nearly every fandom now. A bunch of entitled purity "activists" with nothing better to do them stir up drama and add politics into everything. Even the non-fandom art community feels like one big game of king of the hill. It feels like most of them are only artists for attention and mainly focus on ripping down as many artists as possible.

It's gotten to the point where I don't feel safe putting my name on anything in fear of being a target. I don't want to make a mistake and then get threatened to be killed with broken glass 5 years later. Especially when I write dark subject matter.

I'm probably going to delete all my social media accounts and only post AO3 fanfics anonymously. Will they still be UTMV? Maybe. I still want to write that Kid Icarus: Uprising sequel. The bonus part about that fandom is that there's like 12 people that still know that game exists. I also want to write my original novels, but again, I fear putting my name out there in the world.

Thank you so much for everything who read IMYM and my general whump stories and prompts. Again, I'm sorry.

[rc-writes]

Hello! Wanted to start of by saying that ur account is so adorable!

But I was wondering if you would read something fluffy for Ethan Morgan (my boy deserves more love & attention from the fandom)

I don’t have an exact prompt but maybe, like it’s their first date as a real couple or something thats just super fluffy!

Thank you again!

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐩𝐬 & 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐟𝐢𝐫𝐬𝐭 𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬

𝙢𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩𝙨  |  𝙩𝙖𝙜𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙢

pairings: ethan morgan x reader

warnings: reader is mentioned to have helped the rest of the gang with supernatural events, geese are present, possibly a grammar mistake here or there (please let me know if you see any)

a/n: hi! thank you so much!! i spent forever editing everything so it makes me so happy that people actually like it! and thank you for sending this request in, sorry it took forever for me to actually write it :/ but anyways, i hope you like how i went with this!! also there's a second a/n at the end btw

“Ethan, you really didn’t have to do this.” You and Ethan stood with arms linked in line to get into one of the few fancy restaurants in Whitechapel. You both were only standing in the entrance area but you could still see how beautifully laid out the place was. White tablecloths and sparkling silverware sat upon each table, soft string lights hung from the ceiling, and low music played. “I do appreciate it, I really do, but you don’t have to spend this much money on me.”

“We’ve been officially… together,” He spoke as if it was still so shocking to him. “For almost two months now and for once there’s no monsters or ghosts attacking. I wanted to give you the nice and calm date you deserve.”

You blushed slightly and began to explain that as long as you were with him any type of date would have been perfect when the man at the hostess stand started talking.

“Do you two have a reservation?” 

“Yes, I reserved a table for two.” Ethan answered. “It should be under the name Ethan Morgan.”

The man nodded and began tapping on a computer screen to look up the name given in their system. After a bit too long of silence the man looked up, seemingly annoyed by something. “That name is reserved for the 20th, it’s the 15th.”

“Oh, uh… sorry about that.” Ethan stuttered, embarrassed. “I guess I must have told you guys the wrong date.”

“Appears so.” The man spoke in a deadpan voice, he didn’t have time for this. 

“Saying the wrong date, must happen all the time, right?” You tried to ease the awkwardness with a joke.

The man seemed to hold an even more annoyed look now. “No. Now will you please move on, there are many others behind you with actual reservations for tonight.”

A few awkward smiles and nods later you and Ethan were out the door and halfway down the street. Your arms were still linked but neither of you said anything until you made it around the corner.

“I’m so sorry Y/n for messing the dates up.” Ethan finally spoke. “We’ve been through so much weird and awful stuff this past year and I wanted to give you one nice day. I completely understand if you want to just go home and forget this ever happened.”

You immediately stopped in your tracks causing Ethan to stop as well and you moved to stand in front of him. “Ethan, it really isn’t that big of a deal. You don’t have to feel bad about making an honest mistake. The fact that you went out of your way to make a phone call to reserve us a table is enough to show me that you care.” 

Now Ethan was taken aback. “You're not mad I messed up your day?”

You laughed at his sincerity. “Of course not E! And you didn’t mess up my day in any way. As long as I'm with you it’s a perfect day. Well, maybe if there’s not some ancient spirit or something involved.” 

Ethan laughed at the reference to the event that took place just the week before. “So what would you like to do now?”

You thought about the options for a moment. At first you thought about just watching a movie, but since Ethan insisted on having an actual date you had to think of something else. “Maybe we can spend the day at the park? It’s only a block away and I heard they put in feeder machines where you pay a few cents to feed the geese.”

The smile on Ethan’s face vanished the second you said the word “geese”. “Uh, how about something else?”

A slight smirk began to appear on your face as you removed your arm from Ethan’s and crossed them over your chest. “Are you afraid of geese? You’ve fought evil vampires and spirits but you're afraid of a few geese?”

“Vampires and spirits have weak spots and can have some sense of humanity. Geese just permanently have murder on their mind!” 

You laughed at his choice of words. “I can agree that they do look and act like that sometimes, but if you move slowly and calmly they won’t be as reactive.”

“Since when were you a geese expert? And we’re not exactly dressed for the park.”

You laughed once more. “Says who?” You then grabbed his arm to start quickly walking to the park.

Sure enough once you both arrived at the park you spotted about two dozen Canadian geese wandering around in one big group.They were all standing within a few feet of the new feeder machines, they must have already figured out that’s where the food was stored.

“Oh look there’s babies!” You pointed out to Ethan and then began to quickly but calmly make your way to the feeders.

And while the baby geese were quite cute the fact that there was a very protective mama goose nearby made the whole situation even more terrifying for Ethan. Despite how many times you insisted that he would be alright, he insisted on staying a good distance from the geese. He wasn’t exactly okay with you approaching them on your own. That’s why he decided to hold a handful of feed just in case if they started attacking he could throw it to the side in hopes of changing their focus. 

But the geese never did attack, they actually seemed to like you, or at least like the fact that you were giving them food. One brave baby goose even decided to slowly approach you. While being very aware you were being closely watched by the mother goose you slowly crouched down and slowly held your hand out for the baby. It didn’t hesitate to walk forward once the food was in sight.

Ethan watched from the sidelines in awe, he couldn’t believe what was happening in front of him. He’s seen you fight off vampires, spirits, and everything in between, but the fact that you were fearlessly feeding a swarm of geese seemed so impossible. Either you walked out of a Disney movie or these were the nicest geese known to man.

“Come one, I promise it’ll be alright!” You called out to Ethan. And after a few moments of hesitation he finally decided to walk, very slowly, in your direction.

“Holy crap I’m standing in the middle of a swarm of geese.” He breathed out once he was next to you, if he was any closer you would be holding him. One goose moved closer to him in search of food to which Ethan haphazardly threw the bird feed, still in fear of them getting too close.

“You don’t have to throw it. If anything, throwing food around makes them more crazy.” You pointed out. “Here, let me show you how to hand feed them.”

“What?” Ethan croaked out before you pulled him down with you to sit on the ground. 

You poured a bit of food in his hand and then slowly began to hold it out. “Just hold your hand out and they’ll care more about the food than wanting to attack you.” You reassured. “Though they might accidentally bite your hand.”

“What?” Ethan’s eyes went wide in fear at your attempt at reassurance. He then began to giggle when one goose started eating out of his hand. “Actually it kind of tickles a bit.” 

After that Ethan wasn’t as afraid of the geese as he was before. And after a short time you two both ran out of change to buy more feed and began making your way back home.

“You know I’m kinda glad you reserved the wrong date.” You admitted as you and Ethan walked hand in hand on the sidewalk.

“Happy to know my terrified state made you happy.” Ethan joked.

“I can’t lie, it was kinda funny.” You laughed to which Ethan softly nudged your arm. “But I think I liked the joy on your face once you weren’t afraid either.”

2nd a/n: wanted to put this in a second a/n so i didn’t spoil anything. but this is half inspired by the fact that a few years ago when i went camping with some family there were geese around. and while everyone else kept their distance i managed to have one baby goose walk right up to me and eat out of my hand. it’s parents stared me down the entire time but i was so amaze it even walked up to me to care lol. also i can definitely see ethan telling benny all about the geese and genuinely not believing it until the reader reassured it actually happened. though even then I don’t think he’d fully believe it lol

[aingeal98]

Last post about gotham war until the next thing it does to annoy me but like the thing is I do actually love batfamily conflict. I hate the complete lack of depth, happy family stuff modern comics try to do due to how pervasive it's been recently. (except for wfa because it's purpose is lighthearted fluff and it mostly has decent character writing for it's genre).

But then Gotham war comes along and is like ok cool I'll give you conflict and angst! Except it also lacks any depth! Bruce is possessed by an alternate personality which let's him do horrific things while avoiding accountability and Selina and Jason get to be a little bit interesting but the rest of them? So far it's as bland as the comics where they all pose for family group shots and say one line each and barely have any individual personalities.

The whole reason I enjoy angst and drama is because of what it reveals about the characters and so far the main takeaway for me has been that none of these writers are sharing character notes with each other. Bruce Selina and Jason change personalities in noticeable and confusing ways every time the writers change. Duke and Cass have not had a single opinion other than trying to get Bruce to calm down a smidge (And of course it's those two that get shafted. Of course.) Dick, Tim, Damian and Steph... Maybe they'll get more to do.

I'd be pleasantly surprised if we get more discussion on the issue that's suppose to be causing the conflict because that would involve a) actually taking the topic of people pushed into crime due to poverty seriously and with nuance and b) treating the batfam characters like individuals with their own opinions instead of a marketing tactic to try and make the event more prominent than it needs to be.

[literaryspinster]

I’m on ch 3 of your limoreau fic and I’m struggling a bit with the decision to make Powerlad racist, why does every story about Black people have to involve racism as a plot device?

I don’t believe it does. I just made that specific choice because one of the big themes of that story (and The Boys itself) is toxic celebrity culture, and I wanted to convey that theme in a way that felt somewhat high stakes without getting into big conspiracy territory or putting Marie through what Starlight went through (or any other sort of physical violence).

A privileged celebrity having their problematic nature exposed, only for their fans and those in power to go out of their way to protect them, often at the expense of the less protected people in their orbit, is something I’ve witnessed online multiple times, and as a Black woman it’s exhausting to see. I can only imagine what that’s like for those more directly affected. That’s kind of what I wanted to explore with that plotline.

I also don’t think racism is a thing that just exists in media to make Black people feel like they can never escape it. It’s an actual part of our lives. I’ve been disrespected and hurt on account of my race, and while the fact that that’s happened doesn’t define me, or even figure into my day to day life as much as it once did, it is something I’ve felt the need to grapple with in various ways, including through writing. I also address queerphobia and sexism but racism is what I feel the most equipped to unpack because it’s what I’ve dealt with the most in my interactions with people (I’m a part of the queer community but quite straight-presenting, and am not a part of a profession or lifestyle that’s heavily associated with men or manliness, so sexism isn’t something I tend to feel on a visceral level).

Furthermore, I believe racism is one of the ‘isms that speculative fiction actually tends to be the shyest about. I’ve watched plenty of mainstream content where sexism is addressed repeatedly, meanwhile race is never commented on in any way in spite of the cast of characters being racially diverse (The Beauty and the Beast remake is the example that stands out the most to me). Or I’ve seen white women dealing with sexism and only Black men dealing with racism while the Black women in the story are just kind of there (i.e. Outlander, a show I could not finish in spite of all of the praise it received). Or some entirely fictional creature or concept is meant as the stand in for racism. I understand wanting to read about different things, but I do believe that there’s a middle ground between making our stories entirely about race and just pretending that it doesn’t exist.

All that being said. Fanfic is meant for escapism, I get that. I wasn’t trying to make anyone feel annoyed or let down or anything like that, I was just doing what I always do when I’m writing a fanfic that’s not a complete AU, playing in someone else’s sandbox with someone else’s toys. The Boys is all about satirizing topics like public bigotry (and yeah, it’s a Gen V fic but the point of it was to imagine them in The Seven so therefore on The Boys). I’m not always a fan of how they go about it, but I do appreciate its point of view a fair amount more than something like South Park, or even the show’s own source material. I doubt I would have stuck with it for three seasons if that wasn’t the case. So when writing for a show that frequently lampoons racists and other types of ridiculous people, the decisions made with Powerlad came pretty naturally. If I’d known I’d be disappointing people to this degree (you aren’t the first to comment on this) then I would have maybe gone in a different direction. To be honest the criticism has taken the wind out of my sails a bit.

In spite of everything, the rest of the story is planned out and partially written. Even though the fandom is understandably in a bad place right now, I hope the way everything plays out feels rewarding to people who choose to finish.

[kcsplace]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thanks for the tag @sparrow-in-the-field and @strangethings-everywhere

I guess today is the day that you all get to learn about my other AO3 account since a lot of these Qs are about overall stuff lol.

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

59

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

846,116 which is insane to me, esp as more than half that is one fic

3. What fandoms do you write for?

MCU - Phlint and Stucky Stranger Things - Steddie 9-1-1 - Buddie Criminal Minds - Reid/Hotchner Firefly - Jayne/Mal H50 - McDanno TBITB - Coxstroke Merlin - Merthur NCIS - Tony/Gibbs SG-1 - Jack/Daniel The Sentinel - Jim/Blair

4. Top five fics by kudos?

He Whom My Soul Loves (Stucky) - 988 A Diaz By Any Other Name (911) - 970 The Man On The Wall (Stucky) - 929 Magic Man (Merthur) - 781 The Royal Camelot (Merthur) - 650

5. Do you respond to comments?

I love answering comments. If someone can take the time to leave a comment, I always do my best to answer. Not always immediately, but I get there!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angriest ending?

I don't think I've ever written anything with an angry ending. Maybe not happy, per se, but not angry

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Uhhh probably The Man On The Wall because after a 475k slow burn, Bucky finally gets his kiss

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I have done! Not in a while, but not because I'm any better, but because I'm such a teeny writer, nobody cares enough to be rude anymore!

9. Do you write smut?

Yup! Though by the time I'm done writing it it feels dry as the Sahara and textbook dull, I can only hope it reads better and that I'm just jaded after spending ages working on it

10. Craziest crossover?

I've done fusions, but not a crossover. Not yet!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yup! Why they'd choose mine, I don't know. Also had them added to goodreads against my wishes

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Never been asked! I've had art made for fic, and someone wanted to do a podfic version of one, but never translated.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Absolutely not!! I'm too much of a control freak and if my procrastination and oh-so-slow writing annoys me, it'd enrage even the calmest of co-writers! I wouldn't do that to an innocent person!

14. All time favorite ship

Honestly, I have favourite ships in a fandom, but narrowing down a favourite of all of them, I don't think I can!!! Cop out answer FTW!

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

While I never start a fic in the hope of maybe finishing it as I always start with the intention to finish, sometimes they end up so big, or are outside my sphere of limited talent that they peter out. I have 120k of a Night At The Museum type AU for Stucky that has sat on my hard-drive for nearly a decade, and I'm 65k into a OFMD fic that I'm determined to finish, but at the moment the OFMD is the far far more likely fic to see the light of day

16. What are your writing strengths?

Dialogue for sure. I can write whole fic that are just nothing but dialogue, and then I go back in and fill it out. The dialogue is the skeleton I work the rest onto

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Everything not dialogue!! Everything

18. Thoughts on dialogue in another language?

....I don't have any?!?

19. First fandom you wrote in?

Probably Harry Potter some 20 years ago

20. Favorite fic you've written?

The Man On The Wall is my baby. I wrote it twice so its my sweetheart. It was also a serious labour of love at 474,747 words (also I love how neat that word count is) very very close second is Life, Written and Illustrated By in the Merlin fandom. It was my first foray into Merthur and was part of a competitive pornathon and I won that weeks with it so huuuuge confidence boost for my writing

[anawrites3]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

I got tagged by @zeroducks-2, thanks love 💕💕 Sorry it took me so long to answer -3-

How many works do you have on AO3? It's 44 (+1 unrevealed)! And 19 of that are DC fics

What’s your total A03 word count? 163,947 I need to post more on ao3, huh

What fandoms do you write for? Mostly DC rn, tho I have a few fics for COD

What are your top five fics by kudos? on this account all of those are bakudeku because I've been very deep in the fandom until last year lmao so I'm going to cheat a little :3 and list the ones from DC fandom to self-promote myself a little 😂

1. taking a break (alone, please) at 345! I'm really happy with that and quite surprised because it's the very first proper sladick fic I wrote! Dick gets hurt during a mission so Slade takes him somewhere to take care of the wound and maybe have a little fun while he's at that. The only problem is that Dick's comm gets turned on at some point.

2. unexpectedly beneficial at 289. This is surprise since it's a New Year fic and those, in my experience, never get that much kudso lmao It's also my second fic! Dick's stuck at Brucie's New Year Eve's party. Slade comes over to keep him company

3. bunny-shaped trouble at 230 kudos, the idea came from Claudia who sent me a prompt 💕 Dick gets turned into a bunny and takes the opportunity to annoy the hell out of Slade

4. persistence at 219! This was my entry for sladerobin week and for some reason I was very anxious so I'm glad its so high in the ranks Dick goes on an undercover mission, where he has to seduce the target. Slade isn't very happy about that.

5. conflict resolution at 217 kudos! It's the first part of the series and well, let's be honest, compared to the rest (that is posted here on tumblr now, im working on it to post it properly on ao3) it isn't very exciting but I still love it and I'm happy it's so high as well! King Slade Wilson offers the way to stop the war between Gotham and Defiance. He will stop the attacks if prince Richard becomes his royal consort.

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? I always do!! Sometimes it just takes me longer (like rn oops) but I always make sure to respond to comments and show people how much I appreciate them taking the moment to share their thoughts with me 💕💕

What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? It's definitely keeping what's mine because Dick is having awful time in this one, to the point that I tagged it as hurt/no comfort because well, Dick is hurt and doesnt get any comfort. I mean, he kind of does? But it doesnt actually comfort him so yeah 😂

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? I write a lot of fluff so this is actually a very difficult question lmao but I would say it's (not) willing to share which is a short domestic fluff. And Dick has a cat so that's very happy for me haha

Do you get hate on your fic? I do not, actually! And I'm a little surprised by it because sladick and batkids ships gets hated on a lot

Do you write smut? More and more lately

Do you write crossovers? Not really right now, no

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Thankfully no or at least I dont know about it lol

Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope

Have you ever co-written a fic? Not yet but I think it would be really fun!

What‘s your all-time favourite ship? I have one of those for every fandom I'm in lmao and right now it's sladick

What’s the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Gosh, don't say that lmao! Buut *looks quickly through the list of my wips* probably the one I named "the middle of the night" which is like,,, undercover mision identity porn masquerade ball sladick story that Im very exciting about but for some reason I just keep moving it down on my list of wips sooo... yeah. Maybe cause masquerade balls need a lot of dance descriptions and I suck at that lmao

What’s your writing strengths? Writing dialogue! I like it a lot and I've been told I'm good at it :3

What’s your writing weaknesses? Actually sitting down to start writing 😂 and more complicated descriptions like fights or dances and stuff like that, I'm still working on it

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I like it a lot actually but not if there's too much of it - just a few sentences are enough or just a few words thrown here and there, and there needs to be translation somewhere in the fic, in the notes or something because people should know what the characters are saying but yeah, I like how it directly shows that someone is speaking in another language instead of writing "he cursed in russian" or other stuff like that

First fandom you wrote for? *hides my face into my hands* Strawberry Shortcake probably... from when I was still a babey...

Favourite fic you’ve ever written? sun and sunflower, a little brudick story about Bruce being smitten and a coward

Tagging time! @roipecheur @wingdingery @blackbeanbao @enak-s and anyone who'd like to do it as well!

[stridingwriter]

*Offers you a wheel of cheese.* May I know more about Axiom and Tobias?

Oh man, oh man, thank you so much for the ask!!

One thing to settle first: these two would technically not even be part of the same WIP because they're technically from two different time periods (one of them is more medieval/fantasy, the other is leaning more sci-fi/horror). Anyways, more under the cut with some maybe brief WIP ramblings along with them:

Axiom Li

Or as I like to jokingly call him, is the man stuck in space. And also 1000 years into the future! I just throw him around cuz he's so much fun to write.

By all accounts he's a brilliant physicist who has never actually done a hard day's work. He's been lucky to be in an academia all of his life (brilliance makes up for A LOT). He's all theory and no action.

Unironically a monsterfucker. If there is an alien, yeah he might be down to bone it if challenged. What is self preservation.

That is until he gets the rare trip to visit a small space colony way up there with the rest of the crew. For research reasons, of course.

Now the thing with Axiom is that he doesn't know when to shut his mouth, he will have it run and deal with the consequences later which makes him an awful travel partner.

Unfortunately the thing that comes with his brilliance is also his refusal to talk with people, usually tells them to buzz off which would be fine normally. Except well.

"Do you ever shut the fuck up?" "Well, brilliance makes up for a lot." "Apparently not enough for being annoying."

His entire crew dies from unknown life forms that exist on the planet and he's the last one alive. It seems the universe is trying to make him prove his namesake about being a maxim.

Tobias Lynzal

Better known as a Commander back in the day but most people just call him Captain because it's easier. Also it's less of a mouthful

White hair! Grey eyes! Big red, orange and yellow wings + feathers running down his back! He lives up to his Phoenix title in a way that should be beautiful.

technically a dock baby (but they didn't go by that name back in the day. Instead he's just an orphan found by the docks who happened to have features that are bird-esque)

his surname? yeah dock babies usually just tend to pick whatever one that they like. He happens to be one of the first though in technicality, Tobias isn't part of the Lynzal family. It just makes him look more 'normal' in various settings because a surname means you have a home to go back to. He has none of those but he's goddamn good at looking like he has them.

He has some degree of fire immunity and the wings of a phoenix, at least that's what it looks like. The Entities are weird about the kids they send over and in his case, the more 'mythological' genes just seem more dominant.

way more in tune with his actual fire capabilities and yes, he has burned opponents (maybe to death in near death situations). Though in reality, Tobias would rather just fly away from a lot of his problems.

Axiom calling him 'little bird'? That's the fastest way for him to absolutely lose it because in many cases, that's what he is to people. A pretty prop or a nice knife that people can throw without thinking of the consequences. Also bird in cage metaphor here

He is fine (he is not fine)

Probably one of the best with his lance skills, many chose it for the length and the flexibility it affords him. Also because swords have a short reach, lances means he can end the fight before it begins.

[nocek]

Hi I'm back I guess?

So for the update: the funny story immediately continued with nerfing me with 2.5 days of migraine (fun times, 0/10 do not recommend) and then life got busy and I was still too bummed out to share any drawings or anything.

Good news is that yesterday those 5 shorts got taken down from youtube. Annoying process but it has worked.

until it didn't

because of course it didn't

the lovely thief just sent counter claim

because of course they did

if one of those shorts had like million views and rest of them had couple hundred thousand it must be worth it i guess? plus like 5 dmca claims would probably hurt their revenue?

anyway the fun part is that all of this process was in my native language but now the counter claim is suddenly in english (yay customer service? that's very helpful with legal jargon and all) that requires me to send them proof of me taking legal action against them in 10 workdays starting now

so with that I'm not longer bummed out. I'm fucking pissed off.

like seriously fucking pissed off

and worst of all I know i can do shit all to them. I'm not an us citizen, i don't have money to sue them in us and I know that it's a piece of fanart so it's fucking pointless

the best I can hope for is that they just want to have the dmca cleared from their account and after that they will have the fucking decency to delete the shorts and won't touch my art in the future

but my faith in humanity took a hit so I'm sorry to say that from now on I'll have to add some annoying watermark with the "do not fucking repost" clearly visible. At least when I'll draw for popular fandoms. Which also pisses me off.

Which sucks because usually when I fixate on fandom it holds me for a long time :S and I have new spiderverse stuff to post. But I guess after that it's time to fall back on god ol buckynat or maybe TRON requires a mandatory rewatch XD that's like as niche as it goes

But to end on positive note. To be honest I just now read the lovely notes you left on this post which tbh made me cry a little. Because when I was writing that I was processing my neediness for like idk popularity? Even if I know that if you get too popular weirdos on internet will start to notice you too and I'd rather avoid that.

So I want to just thank you. You are all right and from now on I'll focus on being productively pissed off instead and continue drawing out of spite (again, sorry for the future watermarks :S) so plan for today is nice drawing of Gabriella in Miguel in silly Halloween costumes.

Because self indulgence is the way!

Do you want to hear a funny story?

So you know that I was drawing spiderverse comics lately. Because they are fun to do. And I think people like them. I mean the most popular one has like 4K notes? That's lot for me when I usually dwell in tiny fandoms made out of like 3 people and their dog. So it's nice, everybody is having fun and I'm grateful.

but

BUT

I just found out that somebody took few of that comics. Cut them up and run the text through ai reading voice and posted it as reels on fucking youtube.

And it's not even that I'm stumped why even turn 4 pictures into video. First time I see such a time wasting thing but ok. People do like different things.

And even lke some effort was done to erase text from speech bubbles so it appears as the ai spews it aloud but it's not even about it

I had pictures taken and posted somewhere else. Usually without credit. At least this time it was credited? I guess I should be grateful.

What fucking gets me is that those comics have several hundred thousand views and few hundred comments each.

Like fucking seriously.

I don't know what's the point

I don;t know what should I feel about this

I mean unless you can make money on youtube reels? Then I can at least be pissed about it. Nice clean feeling?

Because what gets me is that most of those comments are nice so I should be happy about it? I guess? But I feel like a pathetic peeping tom looking for appreciation that wasn't given to me actually eve if I did the thing

ugh

I'm just tired

this day was already shitty so i guess it's time to give up and take a nap

next comic will be delayed

[s-the-seething-songbird-2]

Logs for Thomas, Part 2. Log #1

What the fuck, dude? What the actual fuck?

You hate me? ME? For what?

I can't. I can't even-

Okay, let me collect my thoughts while I write all this down because I have a LOT to say and want to be as articulate as possible. I also need to be careful about what I say because the last thing I need is for someone to try being Sherlock Holmes and figure out who I am irl. There probably wouldn't be any true damage done if they did--all of this happened a long time ago, I'm genuinely remorseful, this is very personal to me, and I've worked very hard to be a better person--but it would be annoying.

So let's recap. Shay came back, said she wanted to be friends again. I was suspicious but agreed and profusely apologized for hurting her in the affair all those years ago. She started messaging me every day for a month, and for a little bit, it felt like old times, like all of that horrifying trauma never happened for either of us. She mentioned that she would be okay with you and I talking again as long as I respected her boundaries and promised I wouldn't hurt her like that ever again.

And you WHAT?

Are you kidding me? Are you serious? You'd been wanting to talk to me again for YEARS, and now? I'm so confused, and SO angry. My fingers are shaking as I type this.

We were SO CLOSE to being friends again! What the fuck? I don't get it, I don't understand.

"Yeah, he hates you," she said, smiling. "I'll just be honest, he fucking hates you. He might not want to talk to you again, ever."

I ASKED BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO SAY NO AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE IRRATIONALLY ANXIOUS ABOUT IT ANYMORE. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck!

My whole world shattered. Instantly. I couldn't even breathe. There you were, sitting in that room with her--which I didn't know at first, by the way--and you never want to talk to me again?

God, and I cried on camera. I tried so hard not to because I was afraid of looking weak in the moment, but that destroyed me, Thomas. Granted, it wasn't permanent because I'm still here, but. Fuck, man.

Can you explain to me how your behavior over the past five years has made ANY fucking sense? I can't figure it out. I can't figure either of you out, honestly.

I'm, sorry, I don't want to be an asshole, but really? Really?

My boyfriend seems to think that you don't really hate me, that you really just hate yourself and don't want to face your feelings about how everything went down. I don't know if he's right or not, but it did keep me from going to the hospital that night, so there's that.

My girlfriend seems to agree with him, going on to add that maybe part of the reason I'm still having a hard time letting all of this go is because there were several other traumatic events occurring in my life at the time that you and Shay left me, and that, if I don't heal from those other events, I might not ever be able to let go of this, either.

My therapist agrees that the idea is very insightful, as trauma tends to string together with other trauma in times of crisis.

But what about Shay? I'm so confused, and hurt, and I thought we were doing the right thing! But it didn't matter, because, like you, she fucking left.

Shit, I'm trembling so badly. I need to take my meds, hold on.

And, apparently, she was cussing out Nic in the final messages to us because he was trying to reassure her? What's that about? According to him, he even sent her some info on breathing techniques to help her calm down, and that's how she reacts?

Understandably, it made him pretty mad, and he became protective of the rest of us because he wasn't sure whether or not she was going to say/do anything that would further traumatize us, especially me. Tyson was concerned about this, too, so he suggested that we exited the app and gave her a couple of days to cool off before contacting her again. So, we did. And then, when we opened the app again days later, she was gone. No account, no messages, nothing.

At first, we were unblocked on everything else, so we came to the conclusion that she just temporarily blocked us for the time being, and that we should give her some space, that she'd come around later and apologize.

Then, in the weeks following, slowly, every account we had contact with her on was blocked, and blocked, and blocked.

I'm just. What? I can't make rational sense of it. How could she care so much and then end up hating us all over again?

Maybe that's a bit of an assumption, I don't know. For all I know, she could be in the hospital again.

But Tyson (who I'll sometimes refer to with the nickname "Ty," same person) cares for her so deeply, and so do I, and Jack, and Nic. We didn't really tell anyone else Shay contacted us again because we weren't sure if it would last, and that if it didn't, our whole system would be traumatized all over again. God, I hate being right.

We're so worried about her. The last time she spoke with us, it's become increasingly clear that she wasn't... sound of mind when she reached out to reconcile. It did seem to get worse the longer we talked, too. I think we were so stupidly hopeful that Jack and I ignored the signs without knowing it.

I'm worried about you, too. Jack has mentioned multiple times that he doesn't want to talk to you ever again, and Nic has agreed, but honestly? With enough time? Maybe they would have come around.

But it doesn't matter now. That window of time when you could have come back without needing to hide our friendship from Shay has closed.

At least I got to tell her I was sorry, though. I got some closure from that.

And then I was abandoned again and was so fucked up over it that I needed my meds' dosage increased twofold, BUT! The important thing is that I did what was right.

I want to say more about Shay SO badly because I think she's given me some insight into what's been going on with you two, and I have some theories about what's going on with her specifically, but a) I'm not a doctor, b) I don't want anyone else to find out who SHE is irl and be able to tell other people about a bunch of personal things about her that I doubt she'd be comfortable with me disclosing at all. Which sucks, because if you ever do happen to stumble on this--which I doubt, considering that the first blog of mine was deleted, so the logic follows from your perspective that I wouldn't make another one--I want to offer some advice for how to help her. But, as I've stated, I can't. Not here.

And, yes, I'm aware that whatever ideas I have, there's a good chance you've tried it already. You know her far better than I do, after all, and you can actually see her in person, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't try and help, because I WANT to, Thomas. I want to help you guys. God, you have no idea how badly I wish I could offer support or something. I hate that y'all are suffering, and there's nothing I can do to help. I've learned so much over the years, and have done a staggering amount of research--did you know that research into mental health has never been more prevalent in all of human civilization than it is now?--and am very confident that I could be helpful somehow, if only to point you in the right direction for cost-effective treatment. But, of course, if you guys never accept it, I've done all I can do.

Also, what do you hate me for? I'm so confused. Is it because I blocked you on Instagram? You remember why I did that, right? Because I set a boundary that I didn't want to hear from you again until you could do so without the need to be secretive about it? And you violated that boundary? Several times? The last one having such a profound impact on me that my partners asked me to go no contact with you?

And then when you had the opportunity to form a normal, genuine, honest friendship with me again for the first time since all hell broke loose, you did NOTHING?

I'm so... disappointed in you. And so hurt. And I just. God, I wish I didn't care anymore. I wish I could stop feeling anything about this. And yet, here I am!

At least things aren't too mentally bad for me. Heaven and I reintegrated a while back once she accepted reality, and I think that was an important step in my recovery. But that also means that this. shit. fucking. HURTS.

I feel so pathetic. I've done EMDR, I'm in the middle of a DBT workbook, I've processed how ALL of this has made me feel over the years with friends, family, mental health professionals, crisis line volunteers, and it. Still. Hurts. At least now, I can live like a normal person most days.

Do I come to the conclusion that you just don't care about my feelings anymore? You don't care if what you do hurts people? You won't take responsibility for your actions and be mature about this? You're going to be holding this baggage for years to come? Do I conclude that I've simply outgrown you?

Well, no. Because I can't. I care about you too much. I have to believe that there's some benign explanation behind all of this.

But I looked at the old thumbdrive that I put all of our conversations on (because I couldn't look at any of it anymore without being reminded of everything, and I usually have a bad brain day when that happens, but I also couldn't being myself to delete it), and I've noticed some interesting patterns.

You'd return out of nowhere, when I was least expecting it.

You'd usually return in the mornings, only to block us and disappear again during nighttime, regardless of how long you'd stay.

The tone of your words was almost never consistent from previous times you returned. In some, you'd be chipper and lighthearted, and in others, you were morose and nihilistic, and in the rest, you were just... downright mean to me.

The second our conversations became uncomfortable in any way, including or especially when I pointed out how certain things you've done hurt me, you'd leave again pretty much immediately.

Are you just angry at me because my Tumblr was deleted? Because I did not do that. Tumblr did. (They were upset that I was shittalking Manscaped, a huge sponsor of theirs a while ago. Apparently making fun of frequent and pervy advertising qualifies as "harassment". But I won't do that again, I've learned my lesson, blah blah blah.) I became so upset with Tumblr for a while that I was refusing to rejoin, and it's not like I was able to message you to explain why my blog disappeared in the first place. Because I'm blocked everywhere.

I think what angers me most about this is that I STILL don't know the whole story. So many questions remain unanswered, and they probably will indefinitely. Worse yet, I have a feeling that it's partly because there are some answers that I really don't want to know. Jesus, this would be the worst film noire ever.

You know what, though? That's life. Life is full of unanswered questions. And the answers you DO get just keep hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting. I suppose part of learning how to be a healthy, functional member of society is accepting that.

And, actually, I think I was wrong when I said that it's the unsolved questions that anger me most. Because, again, looking through our old conversations and comparing them with what our exchanges were like during the affair, it struck me how different they were. How could you go from so caring, compassionate, empathetic, and honest to cold, callous, vague, and rude? Especially because you KNEW how deeply your words mattered to me, and how they would affect me. Because I told you. I told you over and over, and you either forgot, didn't listen, or actively used my mental illness against me. I don't know which one scares me the most.

But, yeah, if you wanted to know why I said no when Shay suggested I speak to you face to face, it's because I know enough about myself now that if you would have said one mean thing to me--hell, if I so much as got the impression that you breathed in a disapproving way--I absolutely would have ended up in a psyche ward. It didn't help that, after Shay told me you hated me, I starting having one of the worst panic attacks of my life, and I just had to sit there like I was just sad and not at all freaking the fuck out, feeling like I was going to die.

You know what, though? I would never do this to someone. I would never promise them all these wonderful things, not follow through, and then abandon them. And then come back, and then abandon them again. And then do it at LEAST seven more times. And then, when a stable connection is finally available, just say, "fuck it" and leave them to their own devices.

That's why I'm so scared to talk to you again. Because I know you'll just leave, but I'll lie to myself that you really mean it this time, that things will be different, but they won't. And my fear of abandonment will only worsen the next time it happens. If you had asked me years ago if talking to you on occasion was worth it, even if it was unstable, and I had no idea if I'd still find you there in the morning, I would have said yes, a thousand times yes. But even when you WERE here, I was constantly scared that if I said the wrong thing, you'd get mad at me and leave again to punish me for it. And, sure, I know that probably wasn't your intent, but that's pretty much what it felt like.

Did you know that I've had mental breakdowns in the middle of shifts at work? Do you know how much more trauma I've been through over these past few years, and how desperately I wished you were there for me, but I knew deep down that I would never be able to rely on you in that way? Do you know that my boyfriend almost died a couple years ago? Do you know how little I recognize my dad anymore because of what conspiracy theories have done to his mind? Do you know that, one time, when you came back for about fifteen minutes before telling me, "I hope you find help" before blocking me again, I was at the airport, and had just sent my little sister through the gate and leave to Pennsylvania again without me, knowing she was going home to more abuse, and there was nothing I could do to stop it? Did you know that my "m*m" tried to get me arrested? Did you know that my old drug dealer showed up at my school, and I feared for my life walking to class? Where were you? Where the FUCK were you then, asshole?

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm going to take a deep breath. Yelling at you isn't going to help anything.

I'm just so angry that I'm still struggling with this after all this time. Most people in my life don't know; they tend to see me as strong, confident, and even a bit charismatic at times! They don't know to what extent this has taken a toll on me and my mental health. I'm so fucked up, Thomas. I'm terrified this has fucked me up for good.

-S