#but also I'm not sure how else that could have gone without adding at least another chapter

[auguryofjellyfish]

i read something that made me think deeper about Kamimura's death and how i feel about it....Tsuno's death left me catatonic on friday because i love her deeply, but Kamimura's got wedged in my gut like a shard of glass. or: why Kamimura's death feels worse to me than Tsuno's.

it mostly comes down to the matter of his potential as a person and the circumstances of his death put together.

Tsuno…she had already found herself. just as some other characters, we have met her after she had already grown into herself, and "completed her arc". she knew who she wanted to be and worked tirelessly to uphold that ideal. she had loving family and friends and lived her best life, one that brought her fulfillment. she kept being herself in the killing game. connecting, caring, and loving with all her heart. she remained true to herself until the end.

she died doing what she's always have…trying her best. losing her is deeply tragic because she shone so brightly in life. she didn't manage to do everything she wanted, and it's not like she didn't have problems or flaws, she could have grown further. she didn't die with 0 regrets. it's not like she was done, no, nowhere near. but she was complete.

but..Kamimura... what…did he have? years of suffering and depression, multiple suicide attempts, shaky and uncertain future. barely any family, no friends. Kamimura entered the killing game having almost nothing. but that's not the worst thing.

it's that he was just starting to grow. the killing game and the motives made him absolutely miserable but at the same time...he was starting to form positive relationships. he had started to accept at least some level of support, after years of having to be independent. and obviously, there's Ken- who, if they all had gotten out, would 100% have stayed in Kamimura's life.

he contemplated his life and his dreams. he set a goal. even if small, he was still looking forward. he was starting to become more connected, to gain things he didn't have before...ever so slowly, he was starting to change...and i'm sure, despite his cynicism and ever-present struggle, despite the possibility of dying at any moment...that deep down, the littlest seed of hope for his future was just starting to grow.

and then he died.

it's not only him. it's also his massive unrealized potential. unexpressed feelings, unsaid words. un-lived life. he didn't manage to build a life that brought him satisfaction. he didn't…he didn't manage to do a single thing with his life that he wanted. he was nowhere near his full potential. he died as he lived and he's just gone and he got NOTHING. JUST after he was presented with the hope of his life possibly becoming different.

if Tsuno was at her best, a beautiful tree in full bloom cut short, then Kamimura was a little sappling slowly unfurling, and then getting stomped on and set on fire.

and you know what the worst part is? it didn't need to happen.

none of the previous deaths needed to happen, but they were forced to. this time, nobody snapped. nobody made a mistake, it was an active choice. there was NO good reason for him and Tsuno to die. just one person's selfishness, not even only to save their own hide but to also cause suffering. Tsuno's death was senseless and cruel but compared to Kamimura she at least retained some dignity. he didn't HAVE to be disrespected even in death, body torn apart and desacrated, like he was NOTHING. but he was, for the sake of a convoluted ass bullshit fucking plan.

yes, someone would have to die eventually with this motive. yes, not traumatizing hasegawa this badly thus incapacitating him would have added more risk for the culprit. idgaf. i'm not this upset that he died per se, it's that he died like this without being granted peace in death, with Hasegawa and everyone else unable to say proper goodbye because Kamimura's body's in fucking pieces.

[darklightsworld]

So, about the new BeruBara movie in detail. I rushed to watch it, because the visitor present was the above genga copy <333 Pretty amazing, because even the exhibition last summer did not have genga copies in the goods corner (aside from the very expensive ones). In this sense I consider the price of the ticket well spent. It is shrunken to A4 (from B4), so I can even use it in class. Until now I only had a B4 original and several B5/A3 copies, and it isn't convenient to bring those to the uni. Anyway, I hope they will announce the week 3 present soon. I'm not so keen on the Fersen-Antoinette genga next week, but I would get that if the others aren't genga anymore.

This was the good, now onto the bad. It was bad, I was oscillating between cringing and secondhand embarrassment for a good part of the movie. One of the reasons in kind of subjective, but the bigger reasons are objective. First about the subjective: I don't like musicals. I already suspected from the trailer that they might go into that direction, because the theme song screams "musical song™️." That song is so bad too, and it also showcases the typical "let's throw English phrases into the lyrics, because they sound cool" attitude. But the thing is, Berubara takes place in France ^^; Anyway, I guess they might have gone into this direction, because Berubara has been a longstanding success with Takarazuka. Also something I'm not touching with a ten-foot pole. I'm not sure how Takarazuka fans liked the movie, but from an anime perspective, it was weird. This isn't Disney, anime rarely crosses over into musical, and even those instances aren't successful (I don't mean idol series, that's something else). Even this movie isn't actually a full-fledged musical, often it's like image/character songs sung by the cast added for certain reasons. This latter is also questionable, not all of the cast are nice to listen to... (see singer vs. seiyuu made to sing). The opening/theme song resurfaces more than once, and it becomes ridiculous when the uprising Parisians start to sing the same song used to welcome Antoinette in the beginning in a different arrangement. The song inserts are often used to rush through or gloss over things, but I will come back to this later. The symbolism used in some of these scenes is a mess too: art nouveau motifs for a rococo story... or the underwater imagery ^^;;;

Now, about the objective faults. This is not a well-made anime:

Visually, there are some/several money shots, but otherwise the sakuga is a lackluster. They clearly did not have enough money to make it movie quality. The visual style of the manga is old-fashioned, seen as kind of cheesy, and it has its fair share of parodies. It was a question whether the anime can honor this style without turning into its own parody. I don't think it always succeeded, hence my secondhand embarrassment. The musical parts also used a lot of bank shots in the name of "memories," so I guess those were also meant to save money.

The biggest issue is, however, the narrative. You could already see in the trailer that they would cover the whole story. Seeing that Berubara is a 10+ volume long series with 30+ years passing in the story, the movie was... ambitious, to say the least. Unfortunately the movie did not succeed to make it a coherent story. I blame the director too, because even though I think such a approach was bound to fail, it could have been better even among these circumstances.

The movie feels like a summary, or maybe a highlights reel, and I'm afraid it isn't understandable to those who don't know the story beforehand. Quite often the scenes are disjointed without any transition. Many subplots are only visually mentioned, and not even spoken about: the Dubarry issue appears during an image song, the gambling-Polignac-necklace affair during a narration (not mentioned by name), Jeanne does not appear. Rosalie appears in one scene, Bernard as well. Bernard gets named, but you may wonder why, because he does not become important for the plot. Robespierre is a single image too. I think they could have completely erased these, if they were reducing them to these mentions. They kind of feel like sending a message to fans that yeah, we know there's more to the story, but we don't have time to deal with them, so here, have some bullet points. I would have preferred a coherent plot instead... Btw, he noble thief plot is erased, André loses his vision in a different way. Girodelle asking for Oscar's hand seems so out of the blue, like, who were you again? ^^; Fersen is also dropped after they get together with Antoinette (except for a moment mentioned below). It is really bewildering.

As a fan you know what happens in-between, but if you don't know the story, it is difficult to understand the whys and hows. Btw, one of the worst gloss-overs is the Oscar in a dress scene (see above genga). Based on the movie it is already difficult to see where those feeling came from, but when she starts to dance with Fersen it turns into an image song of the four mains, and the unsuspecting viewer has no idea what happened there ^^;;; As mentioned, the musical parts had many repetitions, and with so little time to unfold any plot, they felt a waste of the little available time.

The characters feel very superficial because of rushing through the plot. If you don't know the story, you can only ask why this or that happened. Like, when did Oscar develop feeling for Fersen? And then for André? And so on. There is no show, only tell, and often not even that. Antoinette also loses later character development, and seems to be the selfish queen the French people paint her as. The plot starts to become more coherent after Oscar leaves the court, but even though there is character development for her, most of the political issues that influence her earn barely a mention. So yeah, superficial.

The story ends at the storm of the Bastille (iykyk), and the rest of the history is only narrated in etching style. I would have loved anime style illustrations.

These were the main issues I can remember off the top of my head. I think making a single movie out of this long story was an impossible undertaking to begin with, but it also could have been way better than this. More money for quality animation would have been necessary, also a coherent plot with more nuanced characters.

[dream-in-a-jar]

BBC Merlin ㅡ S5E11 "The Drawing of The Dark" live blog(-ish)

After avoiding it for weeks now, I'm finally here and getting one episode closer to the finale 🥲

Trying not to live-blog too much bc it takes a lot of time ngl clearly I ended up live-blogging anyways lol so enjoy the long-winded ride

[adding this later bc the start is a bit too sudden: that went from funny to suspenseful very quickly, dead soldiers and a suspicious fleeing person hmm]

Omg Mordred knows her 👀🤔 and he's telling her to go 🧐🧐 and Merlin saw that...

So much for trusting Mordred, Gaius

Those entry guards at Camelot are useless lol

Ooooh she's a druid too that makes sense

Hang on Arthur, you need to remind me real quick, who are we at war with? Or does he mean Morgana?

I love Gwen, so glad she's back

I'm sure Kara will be very safe in the middle of the forest without any means to defend herself from hungry animals and such-like lol

They're sweet but I'm worried she'll turn Mordred against Arthur ����😭

I wonder what would happen if Merlin told Mordred about the prophecies...

Unrelated but Mordred has a very deep voice

"Your secret is safe with me" sounded extremely forced

Something else I'm wondering about is how would have growing up with the druids shaped Merlin? I drafted out a more detailed post on that bc it got out of hand here lol

Couldn't see the title anywhere so far so I googled it and got a spoiler 🥲 Great 🥲

"I'm like a swan" is perhaps the least expected answer I ever heard for the question "What are you doing?"

I can't with them why are they like this lmfao 😭 Arthur must like head lice then, if he keeps Merlin around for so long 🤔

I love it when shows have a close-up of an animal that very very much does not look like it has been filmed for this show ㅡ and it probably hasn't, I mean idk this could be from National Geographic or smth

I love nonsensical scene follow-ups, how long were they walking for the weather (and maybe time of day) to have changed this drastically? Why didn't the other knights go with them to follow an obviously suspicious trail? 😭 (realistically ik the weather and light changes are bc of filming but its funnier to ignore that)

I'm pretty sure it wasn't raining when Mordred went to Kara?? But I'll suspend my disbelief for you, Arthur 😌

Uh-oh they found the hideout, thats not good

Y'know, Merlin could "accidentally" make a really loud noise, calling Arthur or smth to alert Kara of their presence... but of course he won't

Karaaaaa you had a good chance of getting away with your life if you didn't try that 😭😭😭 also ngl I don't think that dagger would've gone through the chainmail but unfortunately it's the thought that counts ㅡ and the unfortunate follow-up line "I'm only sorry that I failed [to kill you]" 🥲

Mordred ngl you can only blame Kara on being a prisoner bc I'm pretty sure if she didn't try stabbing Arthur she would have been taken in as a guest ... or at least treated less harshly

Ooooof Mordred went fully antagonistic to Merlin but ngl the way Merlin has been so hostile to him from the beginning it's no surprise 😬

I don't think I ever realized how much taller Sir Leon is than Sir Gwaine

The different sides in these situations are always so interesting because Kara is right that her people have been mercilessly hunted and killed just for existing and that Camelot has a lot of innocent blood on their hands, and Arthur is obviously the legacy and son of these actions. But on the other hand, Arthur himself rarely persecuted and/or prosecuted sorcerers if they didn't harm him or the people of Camelot first. So there's this conflict here of the druids being angered and hardened and obviously wanting to break the rule of Camelot to gain their freedom, but by doing violent things they in turn harden Arthurs stance against people who possess magic. The wheel keeps turning.

Kara plz stop digging yourself into this more than you already are 😭😭

See Mordred, it was your fault she got found bc of the magic rain that poured invisibly and made your footprints trackable 😤

Smart of Modred to pretend(?) the king has a message for her about her loyalty to the person whom she didn't betray 😌 Meanwhile the guard of the cell probaly: 👂🏻👂🏻👂🏻

The king won't show mercy to a murderer who has promised to kill again until he is dead and his enemy sister has taken the throne? How surprising lol

If Kara does indeed turn Mordred against Camelot then at least I'm glad she's someone he's known for a long time and been very close with, rather than someone he just met a day ago or so ago like I thought when I watched the trailer

Oh I did not expect him to confess treating her leg

Idk who Mordreds actor is but damn he's good

Oh this is heartbreaking 😭😭

~ Interlude: playing Stardew Valley with friends ~ (can you tell I don't wanna finish this show lol)

I'm gonna be so fr but I think if Kara hadn't a) tried to stab Arthur when he sheathed his sword and then said that she wished she had succeeded and b) doubled and even tripled down in court that she killed the soldiers, wanted to kill Arthur and would proudly kill again and again until Camelot has fallen, Mordred would have been more successful in asking for her freedom

Well Morgana is a Pendragon too and Kara seems to be rooting for her lol (arguably she is also a tyrant though so fair point) (also love me some double standards benefitting women for once lol)

I feel like theyre both kinda glossing over the fact of what Arthur mentioned, she's not being executed for being a sorceress but for being a murderer who has announced in front of like a dozen or two dozen witnesses that she'll kill again like 😭

Lowkey reminds me of that scene in series 10 of Doctor Who with Ashildr, who challenges their attacker after he would've let her village go unscathed and then because of what she said he changed his mind and declared war on them and you could see her go "Oh fuck, shitshitshit, no I didn't want that!" and actively being burdened by this. For me, this acknowledge of Kara realizing that she fucked up is lowkey missing for me so far

Ooooh the parallels to Morgana coming back and "repenting for her mistakes" when she was in fact plotting to kill the king, I think Merlin noticed too

Oh okay, he's planning to leave

In all fairness, wasn't Merlin ready to give up everything (or a lot anyway) for Freya too? 👀

Ooooh cinematic, I wish the shot lingered a bit more on that

~ Interlude #2 to eat, play some more Stardew Valley, watch Doctor Who videos, and just overall avoiding the ending ~

Im also realizing (had to rewind a bit) that the wings were visible behind Mordred in the front shot of him too oops

I don't say that a lot but Gaius is right lol, Merlin did free a lot of ppl from the cells before

Ok Merlin's got a point too

Whatever Merlins plan is, Gaius does not approve

We're on season 5, almost at the very end, and Merlin still doesn't know how to knock lol

Does he want to rat Mordred out?? Please you're not gonna get him on your side like that 😭😭

Actually facepalming rn aghhh Merlin ik you want the best for Arthur but I don't think this is gonna help 😭😭

Oh wow he's already left with her damn

Oh wait they're still in the dungeons

Oh wow Kara has zero hesitation lmao that's wild skdkfkgk like she could've just knocked him out but she wen't straight for the kill 😳

(kinda very badass of her)

Mordred looks horrified like yeah did you forget that she was tried for murder?? 😭

Nooooo not Arthur giving Gwaine/the knights the permission to kill them though :((

Not to kill the vibes but why don't druids ever know healing spells?? I'd imagine that would be the most useful spell and yet there's rarely ever anyone who knows it?? ...although tbf that one time Merlin used a healing spell on himself it seemed to be extremely painful so maybe that's why no one uses it 😬

Oh no, not Mordred about to fight the knights :((

Kara is such an instigator lol "Kill them!!" like girl chill with the bloodlust for one second 😭😭

Uh-oh, is he actually gonna use his magic??

DAMN lmaoooo Percival to the rescue with a well-timed punch djfjfksj

Yay and now they're both in prison isn't that great <3

Arthur looks like a disappointed dad ngl (he probably is)

M: "What are you going to do to me?" A: "I wish I knew." oughhh Arthur is still a new king and doesn't have much experience yet with situations like these and now he has to think carefully what to do bc it'll set a precedent :((

"The very thing I was trying to stop just happened" yeah Merlin seems to be happening to you a lot 🥲

In all fairness, Merlin and Gwen are probably indeed the only people in Camelot who could change Arthurs mind on something ㅡ although I'm not sure he will in this case

I do love Arthur asking Merlin for his advice, it's happening a lot lately (for better or for worse) and it just shows how much Arthur trusts him and values his opinion because clearly Merlin has a different and valuable view on things. It also shows that Merlin hasn't been "just a servant" for a while now and that he has a close relationship to the king and even some influence on him

I'm not convinced Kara will take another chance to prove she's not ready to murder soldiers or knights of Camelot but whatever will win Mordred back on Arthurs side <3

Well, Merlin tried

Y'know Kara, I agree, you do have only yourself to blame sorry

I'm sorry for slandering her so much btw, I can understand her actions and her point of view on the whole situation with Camelots ban of magic and I really don't want her to die either but I just know that she's a big piece of the domino that will make the finale happen so I wish she would at least fake being sorry for her crimes or smth bc then it would also be easier for Arthur to let her go and like just banish her or smth 😭😭

Omg Arthur rly took Merlins words to heart, love to see it

KARA FOR FUCKS SAKEㅡ

Her loyalty to herself and her morals are admirable but sometimes there are good moments to lie Kara aaaaagh !!

Also he just offered to let you free !! After you made one of his loyalest knights betray him and murdered another soldier on your escape !!! Like I'm not expecting her to suddenly revere him anything but smh recognize change when it's happening girl PLEASE

No guards to see the shaking around Mordreds cell?

Ooooh interesting, Mordred has vanished ㅡ does he have vanishing powers or did he sneak away in the smoke and chaos of that explosion-thingy?

I bet Merlins having very loud "I knew it!" and "I told you so!" thoughts in his head, alongside "Fuck, I hope Arthur will be safe" etc

Of course Mordred would go straight to Morgana *sobs*

Ngl I don't understand love, so I can't rly emphasize with Mordred now being violently against Arthur but also he's still young and his feelings are probably more intense than mine (in general)... like Kara had so. many. chances, more than Uther would have ever given her, it is entirely on her and her stubornness that she was hanged

Now that I'm thinking about it, I was extremely stubborn too when I was younger so I would've probably ended up the same way lol

NOT MORDRED GIVING AWAY MERLINS IDENTITY NOOOOOO MORDEEEED !!!!! (Also this is what I was spoilered about when looking for the episode title AND IT HAPPENS IN THE LAST THIRTY SECONDS ARE YOU KIDDING ME????)

(also also, because I love being pedantic, I thought "Emrys" was his true name and not "Merlin" lmao)

OH THERE'S THE EPISODE TITLE WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH 😤😤

Well. That was a very sad episode for everyone involved except for Morgana who finally knows the answer to her biggest question ㅡ who is Emrys?

Ngl I only had vague memories of Merlin from back when I watched it like 15yrs ago and I never finished it, but for some reason I thought that Morgana knew about Merlins magic pretty early on, like when she was fully evil and back in Camelot. I always thought they had a kinda checkmate situation of her not being able to expose him because he could have exposed her back and them having like this rivalry of him trying to foil her plans and her being openly mad at him, idk where I got that from, my imagination probably

Stay tuned for the finale, I will watch in probably another month lol

[invisiblegarters]

The Heart Killers Ep 5 & 6 Random

In no particular order, some thoughts:

I kind of love how everyone thinks that James will show Bison the "truth" of who Kant is, and it turns out that he's just kinda hung up on him because Kant was sweet to him and took care of him when no one else did. Yep, that's sure gonna work to show Bison how much he should stay away from Kant.

Also, Bison's whole "this isn't about Kant it's about you being a stalker" thing is probably only half true - for someone who didn't care that he was hanging around Kant he sure seems focused on it, and why. Although there's the whole "my boyfriend's stalker who has added me to his routine might accidentally find out I murderize people" thing. That could be inconvenient.

Fadel is so baby I adore him. Like sometimes he just looks so small and soft and vulnerable and I'm just like come here bb, lemme protect you.

I love Style's dad

I say again, I love Kant's relationships with everyone, but especially Babe. They're so great Babe lying for Kant without hesitation was amazing, 10/10. Is that weird? Don't care. I also like that when Kant told Babe it was better if he didn't know what he was mixed up in Babe just went with it, because he trusts Kant. I dunno I am just weak for that kind of thing I guess. Also First Kanaphan.

Speaking of, my gosh is he hot as Kant. I don't talk about it much because it would just be constant, but there's something about Kant man. I'm really gonna mourn this guy when they do their next show

Kant and Style knowing how gone they both are but doing the thing anyway is also great. Look, I know I mock Kant regularly for being an inept informant - he's bad at it, it's true - and I know I'm also supposed to be more concerned with him betraying Bison than the fact that Bison and Fadel are literal killers (to be fair I'm not really concerned with that either - it's hard to take it seriously when the show obviously doesn't either). Unfortunately, Kant is hot, I am easy, and I eat it up every single time he makes that pretty conflicted face of his. I love the conflict between what he wants v. what he has to do and I'm pretty delighted that he's choosing to go this far

Captain Christ is also extremely inept. Like, for real. You are tall and pretty sir but I genuinely do not know how you are keeping your job

Mother Lilly remains the only thinking person in the room. That's extremely sexy of her no notes

Love that one of the J's got himself a boyfriend. And hilariously my friend is starting to recognize the J's - we've seen enough shows for that now, lol.

Last but not least, because this is getting too long: while I do think that both these pairs fit each other extremely well, I especially love Style for Fadel. Yes, he started pursuing him to get a car and yes, they're gonna eventually have to reckon with that (plus the hitman thing maybe, although as I said before the show doesn't actually put weight on this at all so I'm not holding my breath lol), but the thing about Style is that he is so completely himself all the time that even when he's bullshitting it's easy enough to see through. And he's helping my darling Fadel, who has spent his entire life since his parents' murder hiding himself away and only letting it out while alone (and even then probably feeling like he's doing something naughty), to realize that it's okay to let go. It's making my heart hurt like almost nothing in this show has managed thus far and I need it to stop, please, because I don't want to have to start taking this show seriously (don't stop show this is the good shit I love it)

Okay that wasn't last. Last is that Fadel's reaction to finding out for sure that Style was working against him was so good and so painful. Oh, honey. Regardless of what the preview says I know better than to believe that you'll be able to hurt that man. Bison on the other hand would probably quite happily kill Kant only to regret it bitterly after the fact. If this were another show, anyway.

[kooki914]

What would you think about a Spade King rematch encounter, and how do you think it would go??? (I personally think he could use a rematch fight, it sounds like SO cool!!)

I agree!! It sounds dope as hell and it's something I've been sorta thinking about for my Kingdomrune AU.

Essentially, I think it'd be post-semi-redemption. Like, Spade begrudgingly has to accept that he can't thwart the heroes and (if) they didn't leave any Darkner behind, he aids them in what little ways he can. The rematch would be in a "I'm totally beating you up to make you stronger" kind of context. Like he still doesn't like you and is using the excuse of "helping" to take his anger out. This is what I'm planning to use for the aforementioned AU, (specifically Spade teaming up with the other suit kings in order to offer a formidable challenge to help you hone your combat skills), HOWEVER.

There's also a considerable... consistency issue in trying to re-introduce him as a fight, optional or not (which is why I added the other suit kings into it, actually). Because Spade King is kind of really weak, mostly on account of the fact that he's the First and Simplest boss. If Queen is anything to go off of, it seems all bosses after Spade are going to have at least Some kind of gimmick that makes them unique and intimidating, which means that Spade, in turn, will just... seem kind of basic.

Like, on a lore level, I kind of vibe with that, because he's the twisted up and "gone too far" embodiment of Lawful Evil, it makes sense that the guy who kinda just waited patiently for the heroes to march onto his doorstep would do everything like an old-school villain would. But... the bosses are only going to get progressively more difficult with each chapter, so the protagonists will also get their stats buffed, and if Spade comes back the exact same as in chapter 1, he's gonna get fuckin bulldozed!

I don't think he should be on par with Jevil or anything, and god I REALLY don't want another mecha fight a-la Queen's weird second phase, but there's gotta be Something to explain why he was such a wimp in chapter 1 if he EVER comes back for a proper rematch down the line. One route to take is retroactive, essentially find a way to explain how he was underpowered when he fought the kids originally (kind of like how Susie was constantly established as being underpowered due to hunger in chapter 1, as a means to explain why she's comparably weaker than someone like fuckin. Berdly.) On the OTHER hand. We could give him a power UP.

I think it would be fun as hell if he came back with a vengeance. Like a real, spite-fueled, "I'm going to fuck up your life" kind of vengeance. Either as retribution for some perceived slight against Darkner kind (snowgrave, maybe? but that seems a bit over the top and specific imo), OR, due to the Knight getting thwarted/defeated/unmasked (as the knight is undoubtedly a Lightner, finding that out might send Spade into a rage). It's a little less interesting on a characterisation level because it'd kind of flatten his already limited range of traits he's exhibited, BUT it would make for a very interesting fight, both through gameplay and through the consequences of it.

Cause like, coming back with even more vitriol and hatred than last time would imply something REALLY bad's going on with him. It was confirmed that the fountains somewhat *change* the monarchs they influence, so to get the same, or even WORSE behavior out of Spade WITHOUT his fountain...? It'd be hell to deal with. I'm not sure how redeeming Spade would even work after that, if it'd even be possible.

Getting him to making peace with the Knight, or making Spade reevaluate his decisions in a more meaningful way? Making him realize he's been hurting his darling son more than anyone else? It *could* work, but it could just as well backfire if he's been shaken into the same fervor as when he was under the influence of a fountain, without anything to even ground him anymore. So, you gotta beat him up again, but... What do you do after that? If he was given chance after chance to change and learn and grow and simply... refused to?

... On the OTHER hand, in the "helping you get stronger" scenario, redemption is kind of a given. You trust this asshole enough to Not Kill You if given the chance to (aka if he beats you), which means beforehand he must've somehow earned that trust. Either it's by being just barely nice enough to get a passing grade from the local Fluffy Boy to let him out of Dad Jail, OR by earning LANCER's forgiveness specifically, earning him a much better reputation with the rest of the fun gang as well (though Susie's gonna be hard to convince).

Really, he'd need to change in at least SOME way for him to be a viable "lighthearted foe" for you to take on in the Dojo, but I hope it won't be at the expense of his existing character. There's a fine line to walk between making someone redeemed naturally or unnaturally, and while Undertale had a lot of good redemption stories, Deltarune's handling of Darkners in chapter 2 kind of leaves me... uneasy at the prospect of a full and proper redemption for Spade. Hence why I call it a semi-redemption at the beginning of this unreasonably long post, I think it's the best possible scenario.

It's either "I don't really trust this guy but I wanna get better at fighting and beating up his former lackeys only goes so far", OR, "he's actually reached the point of criticality and there's no coming after this fight, let's take him out with a bang".

[stellar-haikyuu]

This is for Stellita!!! ilysm stellar! <3

Pre-relationship

1. Were you friends before you got together? How long were you friends?

7. Were you two obvious about being in love? Did your friends try to tell you?

In Love

4. Favorite memory from early in the relationship?

16. What do most date nights look like for you?

23. Do you have promise rings? When did you get them?

Domestic

4. Spa day! What does a spa/self care day look like for you two?

8. Something they do that makes you look at them and go “I love them.”

Wedding

7. Did everything go well or did one of you do something silly like bump noses when kissing?

Were you friends before you got together? How long were you friends?

childhood friends! we live nearby and have gone to the same schools since elementary school. we only got together after graduating high school, so that would be around 11-12 years of us being only friends.

Were you two obvious about being in love? Did your friends try to tell you?

it was around middle school that i realized i liked him! when we went to karasuno together, i joined the volleyball team as a manager since i wanted to be around him more. the pining throughout those 3 years were insane; i'm pretty sure we drove the karasuno kids mad (at least the ones who weren't that oblivious about love LMAO). looking back, we were VERY obvious. i was just constantly second-guessing whether ennoshita was interested in me or if he just saw me as a close friend. because of that, tanaka, noya, narita, and kinoshita took up the responsibility of being our wingmen. they gave the hell up in our third year and just told us to "please confess to each other" on graduation day.

Favorite memory from early in the relationship?

honestly, not much changed about our relationship other than the gradual introduction of the romantic aspects. i think that's why my favorite memory in the early stages was when he kissed me for the first time. he has walked me home for as long as i could remember, so the first time he added something new to our routine? unforgettable. we actually went on a few dates beforehand, so i really wasn't expecting that night to be the very one! after i said goodbye, he just stood there for a few seconds without saying anything. i asked him what was wrong, and then he just blurted out, "can i please kiss you?" HDSFHSDHF i screamed a little bit before excitedly saying yes. he just went in and did it, holding my face and being so soft about it. in a daze, i literally said, "wow, why haven't we kissed sooner?" and he asks if what he did in elementary school counted. APPARENTLY, he had kissed me goodnight (on the cheek) when he slept over at my house. that was the evening ennoshita broke my brain.

What do most date nights look like for you?

food dates are the best; sharing meals is our love language! but if we have more time, we try fun activities together. personally, i enjoy doing new stuff with other people, because it can be less embarrassing. my favorites so far are attending art workshops or playing a new thing at the arcade (we still suck at bowling lmao).

Do you have promise rings? When did you get them?

while we didn't have promise rings, we often got matching stuff. pencil cases, plushies, keychains, notebooks, you name it. it has been a common practice for us to buy things together since we were young.

Spa day! What does a spa/self-care day look like for you two?

most of the time, we stay at home together. we order takeout, watch movies, or cuddle in bed for hours. we also give each other baths, which is so relaxing. it really hits different when someone else washes your hair for you and cleans all the hard-to-reach spots. intimate in all the best ways. but if we have energy and time to spare, ennoshita and i go to the salon together to get whatever we need done.

Something they do that makes you look at them and go “I love them.”

ennoshita is so understanding of my difficulties with forgetfulness and task initiation. he never gets angry or upset; he always listens to what i have to say and helps me brainstorm solutions and systems that'll help. regardless, he leaves sticky notes for me (around the house, on my paper stacks, in my notebook, in my packed lunch) and sends texts when there's something important. we share a calendar too, which makes it easier for us both. at one point in college, i just started crying and telling him "i love you" when he did these for me during a bad week.

Wedding: Did everything go well or did one of you do something silly like bump noses when kissing?

generally, it went well! but we didn't expect the things that happened hahaha! we cried SO hard during our vows. the officiator and the guests were so concerned. during each of our turns, we couldn't speak for 3-4 minutes because we'd make each other cry harder LMAOOOO the ceremony kiss was short and sweet! we were too shy to do an extended one in front of many people. so, we asked to be alone for a few minutes after arriving at the wedding reception venue. we made out in one of the waiting rooms...and got caught by the wedding coordinator because we were gone for too long. our parents couldn't stop laughing and telling the other guests about it.

self-ship asks: 1 | 2

[vanfleeter]

i was the person who submitted that thing on gvftea and although i still think that kind of thing isn’t really right to write about unless it’s addressing the characters abusive behaviour instead of brushing past it and giving him a happy ending without consequences, i feel really bad that you took the whole story down as a whole. i’m sorry if i hurt you. that wasn’t my intention. again, i still believe angst and strong themes have an important place in literature, but my intention was mostly to raise a bit of awareness about making sure trigger warnings for domestic abuse and violence were written instead of just “throwing things” and “anger” as those actions depicted were rooted in deeper things (although i still was still quite rude and i apologise for that, i shouldn’t have been mean about it). it obviously isn’t my place to pry especially since you probably hate me, but i truly hope (for your sake) that you haven’t or won’t be treated that way and to only think it was because someone was angry instead of because they were being physically abusive and violent towards you, and i worry it may come across that way to other readers too.

again, i’m sorry i hurt you. i’d like to see it up again if you re uploaded and edited it (the trigger warnings) to be easier for readers to navigate without being exposed to stuff like that

I really wanted to answer this privately but I don't have the option to on my phone or my laptop, which is odd. I thought I've done it before with anon messages, but maybe I'm remembering wrong. Anyways..

I want to start by saying that I appreciate you coming to me directly and not going back to the blog like I've seen some do in the past. I also want to clarify that I do not hate you at all. I just don't like the way it was put it out there, though I 100% understand that you wanted to bring awareness to it. As you should, I completely get it. I just wish you would have come to me first and not gone straight to the blog. I won't ignore you. I won't delete your messages. I do see that it would bring a lot of awareness to it, considering that blog is popular--for a multitude of reasons..

I should have worded my trigger warnings better. I've seen this happen in the past so I've been trying my best to add trigger warnings. I have in the past said to tell me if I missed anything to let me know so I can add it, I try to say that now. Sometimes I forget but it's always welcomed. I know it's a big trigger so I should have added it without having to be told. At the time I didn't think of it that way, but I should have thought of it that way and added those trigger warnings.

Still, I do apologize for it coming off as being brushed off and giving no consequences for the actions that were displayed. There wasn't any consequence except for me writing that he knew it was wrong, and I should have done more. These actions, whether written as a fictional story or happening in real life should come with consequences, I agree. I don't condone domestic abuse, and I should have written it better which is why I decided to take it down. Even with the updated trigger warnings, I don't want someone else to think this kind of abuse is excusable or anything.

I'll be honest, I wasn't hurt, a little taken by surprise. I've never had this happen to me before so I have been processing my own feelings and how to go about this. I have decided to step back (at least with writing) for a little bit to go through everything--my own feelings, how this could affect other people, and how I can do better. Definitely not playing the victim card here, because I realize I should have done better with my warnings and I will continue to do so with any future fics I choose to share.

Again, thank you for coming to me. I do appreciate it. Continue doing so anonymously in my inbox or even messaging me privately.

[cebwrites]

oc x canon word count: 0.7k

They've always been in each other's periphery, finding reasons to pick fights or make fun - pushing and pulling one another like the tides. But I like to think of two specific moments where KakaHyou respectively had their, Oh shit I'm in love, realizations.

Hyou's was a little bit after they lost their canine companion.

Wounds were still fresh and they were still devastated, suffice it to say Hyou struggled to keep as usual while he grieved. The Third would have liked to give them time to process it but Konoha was short-staffed and needed every available hand to pitch in - or so he said.

Hyou was being berated by their ad hoc team leader for his missteps; one could say he looked to be on the verge of tears, but with how bloodshot their eyes already were from grieving Haiiro's passing, it didn't make much of a difference. Frankly, Kakashi thought they looked numb.

The man put in charge spared nothing, pointing out that they were all tired and frustrated from being away from home for so long, but that was no excuse to lag behind. The fourth member in their three-man cell hesitantly brought up Hyou's ninken in an attempt to potentially soften the blows, maybe appeal to their captain's empty because it was frankly hard to watch.

It didn't help. If anything, he got more vicious once they got to a neighboring camp with other comrades, almost like he wanted more of an audience as he chewed them out for all to see. Hyou was miserable. They wanted to go home. They wanted Haiiro.

The final straw was when their temporary captain spat that they should hurry up and get over it already, it was just a dumb dog.

Kakashi punched him out cold before Hyou could lunge at the man themself. Everyone watched stun in awe as that captain's cheek started to swell with red blood vessels. Kakashi's only response was a mocking, "sorry, thought there was a bug on you."

Hyou could only laugh at the absurdity, between tears of joy? Relief? They didn't know. What they did know was that they could hear their heart hammering in their ears and a tightness in their chest they hadn't felt in a while.

Kakashi was sent to the slammer once they returned to the village for assaulting his superior and suspended for three days but overall got a pretty light sentence; couldn't have one of Konoha's best shinobi wasting time in a jail cell while vital missions had to be carried.

Kakashi was met with Hyou waiting for him upon his release offering a free lunch, it was the least they could do for their little hero.

Kakashi's oh shit moment happened during a fever.

Bundled up in at least three layers of blankets and so delirious he hardly recognized Pakkun looming over his sweltering face. Gai dropped by periodically throughout the week and so did Genma, the latter mostly to make sure Hyou wasn't overworking themself but there was a little concern for the sick comrade in question. He brought pumpkin broth Kakashi had to choke down with a sore throat.

The bastard almost seemed smug about it, but Genma also helped wash the dishes and clean up while he was there so Kakashi didn't complain. Or at least he thought he didn't, his memory was foggy. God knows what else he said like that.

When Kakashi came out of his illness-induced fugue state, it was late. Everyone who'd visited throughout the week had gone home except for Hyou, asleep at his bedside, who'd been the one to primarily babysit him while he was out of his mind fighting off germs in his blood stream.

Carefully, he shifts out of bed without waking his companion from their slumber. Trained silent footsteps padding out of the room to inspect the rest of his apartment. Not a thing was out of place, kept to the controlled messiness that it always ways, if not a little tidier. No doubt there was a disagreement between Hyou and Gai not to touch anything. He smiled at the thought.

Kakashi returned with a clean, germ-free blanket for Hyou, brushing Hyou's bangs out of their face and disturbing an otherwise peaceful expression when they unconsciously scrunched their nose up at the intrusion. It might be rude, but Kakashi thinks to himself that they looked better with a scowl; felt more natural.

Sitting at the edge of his own bed, watching them get the much deserved rest they needed, Kakashi couldn't help but think about the ways he'd repay their kindness for the rest of their lives. Together.

[woolmasterleel]

Hello! You talked about Romirr in regards to the post about ascending to godhood being dehumanizing.... I'm curious, can you elaborate more about how it affects him and his feelings about going through that when he realizes it (if he does at all)? 👀

Absolutely!! This'll be a lot of get comfy (✿◕‿◕✿)

So about Romirr... Ignoring his obvious issues (his unrealistic beliefs and how he treats Pandora), he was a really good king. He'd listen to his people, he kept them safe, people liked him, and he cared for them. Until someone tried to pursue the art of magics, then he would have them exiled or executed. Romirr becoming an angel seems very out of character for him, given his constant rejection of the deities and the idea of becoming one, however him later becoming Mirror is meant to show how even he fails to stand for his beliefs. When he is menaced by what he thinks is a demon (it was Galvarium), he goes into hiding and prays to the angels. When he is faced with an actual demon threatening to kill him, he shrieks to the heavens, because he doesn't know what else to do.

Upon becoming an angel, Romirr, literally and metaphorically, dies. Mirror can be argued as not even being a person, rather a shell holding Romirr's absurd belief. This is why he is so cold and emotionless, why everything he does is to prove that Romirr was right- That humans do not need angels or demons, that they have their own power and are able to reach a higher existence without being affiliated with what he sees as dehumanizing magic. He is partly right, choosing to become an angel or demon after passing does remove one's humanity to some extent, but should the individual choose, they do not need to become a holier-than-thou being, a monstrous entity, etc etc. They can continue to be themselves.

I feel like I should make it clear that Mirror does not enjoy being an angel at all. Hence why he hardly uses any of his magic despite having powerful abilities. During the Rapid Corpus arc, he is somewhat happy to be taken to Limbo. At least then he is no longer an angel.

Throughout out the story, you can see Mirror becoming less and less put together. Failure after failure, the people who initially stood by him beginning to reject him, all of it adding up and leading him to snap and attempt to kill Alice when she was a child. But that was a distraction, what he really wanted was to get his hands on Kisaki, given that he was the reason for his biggest failure. The disease, it's creation, had allowed him to gather an impressive group of loyal supporters. Whatever science he announced that they would pursue, they would follow. He was so close to starting research on what would later become the Pseudo Humans... then all of it come crashing down when Kisaki (or mostly Mad Rabbit) destroyed their facilities. Any surviving researchers where told the truth of what Mirror was attempting, which, unsurprisingly, turned them against him. Mirror's breakdown started the arc before Rapid Corpus, when Yugami finally snapped and rejected his control, when Rukka, his lover at the time, turned his back and told him to get out. Any feelings of love or sympathy he had was for sure gone, so when Kisaki ruined everything for him, he could only react with anger. He didn't know anything else.

Him taking Alice hostage in order to kill Kisaki really shows how far gone he is, how dehumanized he's become. He has no morals, but more importantly, he lost his fear.

Mirror was absolutely horrified, and I cannot emphasize that enough, by Limbo and Galvarium's existence. He'd never show it though. So his move to try and kill Kisaki himself, knowing that it would send him to Limbo, shows he broken he is. On top of that, Mirror actively uses the knowledge of Limbo to try and scare Kisaki. Obviously this doesn't work. Side note so this makes more sense, Mirror did not know that Kisaki was a partial LAE. He assumed he was a demon, given that he looked like one, and because of his blue hair, Mirror also assumed he didn't know about Limbo.

When Galvarium shows up to take Mirror to Limbo anyway, Mirror does attempt to run, however when he is caught (which was very easily), he hardly reacts. He doesn't speak, he doesn't blink, he doesn't move. He shuts down.

It's when he comes a Limbo-Altered Entity that Mirror becomes less of a character/person, and more of a concept. Until the Gates of Limbo are opened, Mirror does nothing but stay in one place. When speaking now, Mirror doesn't use "I" or "me", now it is "us", "we", but sometimes "you". The final form of Romirr Kagami is called "Truth of his World" because at that point his presence is merely a manifestation of what Romirr wanted the world to be. The world at that point in the story is, in some way, what he wanted. There where humans, albeit fake humans, who could reach deity status without the use of magics. Truth of His World isn't Romirr Kagami, it is an idea, the concept of a better world he had all those years ago.

Romirr never noticed himself losing his grip on humanity. He promised himself he would never forget who he is, he vowed to continue to care and nurture mankind. He believed what he was doing was for the benefit of humans. Obviously, he lost sight of that.

Wowee I didn't mean to write so much hahaha oops! Romirr/Mirror is meant to be the big-bad, hated character of IV, but that doesn't take away from how much I love him! Writing his character to go from someone who was actually very lovable, to something so horrid is really fun, and I am super proud of him! o(*°▽°*)o

[callipraxia]

Writings from 3am

As the title indicates...sometime in the night, I got up, feeling compelled to write out a little scene that doesn't have a proper story to go with it. It's minimally edited for coherency here. If you haven't read my fic Interproximal Gradations (third in the For Want of a Jailbreak trilogy) on Ao3, then none of this will make any sense whatsoever, as Quattro and Stan are referring to events from the last three or four chapters of that story; specifically, this occurs sometime after the end of chapter 26, which itself takes place after a ten-year time skip. It...probably won't make that much sense even with that context in mind, to be honest, but it'll make marginally more sense than it would without said context.

All clear as mud? Great. Here's the thing:

Stan sat alone at the kitchen table, smoking a cigar and laying out cards for a game of solitaire. He didn’t look up when Quattro – carefully; he hadn’t yet gotten around to repairs to his suit since the shootout with the feds – sat down, but he did speak.

“No,” he said.

“No, what?”

“No, there’s nothing significant about me playing solitaire right after my brother’s funeral.”

Quattro nodded slowly. “Right,” he said, not bothering to attempt to sound sincere. He remembered the day his brother had died, and what he’d said after he’d finally been forced to accept the reality of the situation, at least as well as Stan did, if not better: I guess I should pick a different name now, huh? Mine doesn’t really make any sense anymore. I guess I’m just Solo. He would bet his best wig that the reference was deliberate on Stan's part. "Sure there isn’t.”

Seconds passed, and the sound of the kitchen clock ticking them away was the only thing that interrupted the silence.

"How's the leg?" Stan asked finally.

"A few minutes at the auto shop and it'll be fine." Quattro shrugged. "I've told you, I don't really feel things anymore. I'm not sure if I would even if I took off my suit...maybe. Who knows." Half his trouble had been that it had been so long since he'd consciously felt anything that the impact had thrown him for a loop; before that, he had honestly thought he no longer sensed contact with his person ‘naturally’ at all. He had no intention of taking his suit off just to test the limits of his probably-atrophied sense of touch, though. Instead, he cleared his throat and added, “you know I’m going to kill him, if I ever get the chance."

Stan grunted in acknowledgment, showing no signs he found this shift in topic at all strange. “Know you’re gonna try,” he conceded.

Quattro nodded and thought he might have smiled, bitterly, behind his mask. “Because we both also know you’re going to try to stop me.”

“Yep.”

“Even though it’s his fault we just buried the last family either of us has besides each other.”

“No we didn't. Mabel’s still out there, somewhere, and I’ve heard you call Soos your brother with my own ears.” Stan pointed to one of the ears in question to illustrate, as if Quattro could have possibly missed them. ���Plus, Dipper’s still part of the family. He might not want to be, and you might not want him to be, and I might even ring his bell for being an idiot and a fed and especially a fedidiot if he walked in here right now, but he’s still family.”

“If you want to get technical about it, I guess he’s sort of my father,” Quattro agreed. “In a...weird, Dr. Frankenstein-y kind of way. Except he’s the one who’s gotten to wander around the world and do whatever he wanted to do all these years like the Monster, and I’m the one who gets to watch everyone I care about die whenever he’s around. You might outlive me, but Soos? Mabel? Everyone else?”

Stan’s hands had gone very still on his cards. “What do you mean, I might outlive you?”

Quattro looked at him closely for a moment to see if he was joking, but he didn’t look like he was. Did he really think, then, that Quattro somehow hadn’t noticed that….

“You haven’t aged a day since the end of the apocalypse, Stan. Do you really think anyone believes that’s a coincidence?”

The silence turned sullen before Stan finally removed his cigar from his mouth. "That damn lizard."

“Your friend the blind lizard god’s never spoken to me in my life,” Quattro assured him. “It’s just that I do have eyes. Sort of. See?” He reached up and removed his outer mask, revealing his real face for a moment. “Time’s been messed up in this town since the world un-ended, but most of the people kept getting older. Including your identical twin. But not me - “ he pointed to the perpetually twelve-year-old visage normally hidden behind his mask – “and not you.”

Stan squinted at him, clearly trying to tell if he was bluffing – and then, to Quattro’s surprised, laughed.

“Paper boys,” he announced, “have no business being as sharp as you, kid. Scissors are supposed to be one of your natural enemies, aren’t they?”

“Not so much while I’m wearing this,” said Quattro, gesturing toward his artificial body as he reattached his mask. “So – what did they do to you, anyway? And why?”

Stan sighed. “Bozo the Lizard God said that his brother made it hard for him – Bozo, I mean – to see me,” he said. “Said that looking at me made him feel like he’d gotten drunk on a trampoline. No-Eyes then said – something, I don’t remember exactly – but that it had something to do with Bozo spending too much time in the underworld. Nobody told me this, but I’m guessing...from that, and from some other stuff I've put together, I’m guessing that the way No-Eyes kept me alive was by making it...really hard for your standard-issue death gods and death angels and all those kinds of things to see where I am too clearly.” Stan chuckled grimly. “And I even think I know why he did it.”

“To save the world,” said Quattro. “Right?”

“Eh, yeah, that, too,” said Stan. “But I don’t think that’s why I’m still alive, ten years after I did that. I think that’s because of you.”

Quattro could only stare in response to this at first. “Me?”

“Yep – sort of. See, I punched him and Bozo both in the face.” Quattro nodded; Stan never tired of that story. Not that Quattro did, either; thinking too much for too long about Stan's former contacts on the Other Side had still made him angry, sometimes, even before Dipper had come back to town; now, after what had happened to Ford, he just wished he could time-and-dimension travel well enough to loan Stan his suit's gloves for said face-punchings. It was unlikely that even alloys that were nigh-indestructible by earthly standards would have made any difference, but a guy could hope.... “And I told ‘em some of it was for Tracey. The Lord of Jerks said I had no right to get upset after how I – was to you two – back then, and so I told him to shove it, because maybe Tracey wasn’t one of Bozo’s, but he was one of mine, and that therefore I could say whatever I wanted about him, unlike Bozo. So….pretty sure if I ever get a chance to ask if it was supposed to be a reward or a punishment, he’ll just say ‘yes,’ because again, jerk, but I think that’s about the time he got the idea to just...not help Bozo get over feeling drunk whenever I was in the room. Not yet, anyway.”

Quattro thought about that for a moment, and about everything that had happened since, and about how difficult he was to kill lately. "Yeah, it was definitely a punishment" he said. "If it helps, though - even in the absolute worst-case scenario, we'd get taken out in the heat death of the universe I guess, but it shouldn't take that long. Doing the math, thinking about how much air I have to let into this thing to talk...I'm guessing I'll dry rot or something in...probably not more than a hundred fifty, two hundred years, maybe. So if you're right, you'd be off the hook then, too."

Stan seemed to mull this over. "Well, guess it beats sticking around until the heat death of the universe, anyway," he said.

[walkinthefairygarden]

A couple of a friends and I got into a pretty big "tussle" with other friend of our. I saw "tussle" because anything else hurts to much to say. But bascially the result of the end of it was her thinking she was not in the wrong (which she sort of was) and she just cut all of us off. I personally have been friends with her since we were in 8th grade together. And she somehow did it so easily, without any problem that I know of. I was hurt, I still am hurt. I seem to have a fear, I have realized over the years, or losing people. I was fine all day, angry even. But then I thought about it later, and it finally hit me. I was crying for hour, sobbing. I couldn't seem to stop myself. Because even though she made me feel terrible sometimes, the times she made me feel happy and myself, overruled that. And so I didn't know how to handle losing someone that I saw as my best friend. I don't know if she ever saw me the same way. I wanted to put something on my notes that might make her feel some way, so I put one of her favorite artist and the song "We'll Meet Again". I saw later that her note was changed to also a song by him, as you can see. I don't know if she did it because of mine. I want to tell her so many things but I'm terrified. I'm terrified that she won't care. I'm terrified that she will and I will just get thrown back into the same cycle. I want to tell her about the wall that I try so hard to build and how it gets torn back down every week. And every week when it gets torn down, I start it again. Because I can't handle anything when it's not at least partly up. I want to tell her that this event, tore it all the way down and I'm not sure how well it will stay up here on out. I want to tell her that I have thought about killing myself but refuse to say anything to anyone because I hate the sympathy that people get. I want to tell her that it makes me sick when people gush over you when you are upset but at the same time also makes me sick when they don't. I want to tell her that I wish I could just shut everything off. I want to tell her that so many times throughout the day, nothing feels real and it scares me and that I can't do anything to stop it. I want to tell her that I say these things and I make myself sick because I feel like I'm just saying them for attention. I want to tell her that I love her and I hate her. I want to tell her that I never want to see her again but at the same time am not sure what I would do without her. She doesn't care though. I know she is gone already. I know by saying any of this is just adding onto the problem. I want to tell her that I just want the world to stop. I want to tell her that she hurt me.

[avaantares]

Going to expand a bit on the "or else."

I was at a group thing the other day and heard someone older (sixties-seventies, not sure of her exact age) asking another woman where she'd gone for vacation because she had such a nice "healthy tan."

I cringed just hearing that phrase -- an advertising myth from a bygone era, which survived longer than its contemporaries such as "cigarettes are good for you" and "children should eat more lard." I'd just finished sorting some publications for a sale, and I read an article in one of them that forcefully reiterated how there was no such thing as a "healthy" tan, all tanning is a sign of irreversible skin damage, and we should all be wearing sunscreen daily to stave off deadly skin cancers -- the diagnosis of which was climbing at record rates compared to other types of cancer.

This article was published in 1990.

We've known since well before the invention of the World Wide Web that unprotected sun exposure can actually kill you, and yet people are still going out without sunscreen -- or even deliberately tanning because "I just want to look good for the wedding," or "I'll get a little tan first so I don't burn," or whatever reason.

Everyone's skin can be damaged by the sun, regardless of skin color or pigmentation. The results of cumulative sun damage aren't just freckles or dryness or leathery texture -- it can be basal cell carcinoma, or melanoma, or squamous cell carcinoma, or even merkel cell carcinoma, which is the deadliest form and often metastasizes to other organs, such as the brain or lungs. (Even when treated successfully, it has a ~40% chance of recurring within 3 years.)

If it sounds like I'm trying to scare you... well, I am. I've had numerous family members and acquaintances diagnosed with skin cancer. Sunscreen (or equivalent gear; see below) is cheap insurance, and it could literally save your life.

Choosing a sunscreen

Not all sunscreens are created equal. Mineral sunscreens (those made with zinc oxide or titanium dioxide) are generally better choices; they're more shelf-stable than chemical sunscreens, and offer full-spectrum protection. They're also better for the planet -- most chemical sunscreens are actually toxic to marine life and coral reefs, and should never be used at the beach or around waterways. (Some sunscreens advertise "reef-safe" or "reef-friendly," but those terms are unregulated, so anyone can use them regardless of ingredients. Here's a guide to choosing a true reef-safe product.)

Chemical sunscreens that contain active ingredients such as homosalate, avobenzone and oxybenzone offer full-spectrum protection when new, but only remain at peak effectiveness for a few months in storage (and break down more quickly in high-temperature environments, such as a hot car). Chemical sunscreens should not be stored from year to year. If you have chemical sunscreen left over from a previous year, it's probably expired and will not provide full protection.

Both kinds of sunscreens come in a variety of forms, including sprays, creams, liquids, and solid sticks that you can apply as needed. Choose the type that works best for your own skin and convenience.

For daily use, it's a good idea to wear a sunscreen with SPF rating of at least 15. A lot of daily facial moisturizers contain a light sunscreen, so you can just put that on in the morning to protect yourself from casual sun exposure. If you're going to be outside for any length of time (mowing the lawn, watching a sporting event, going for a walk, shoveling snow), go with SPF 30 or higher. (I wear SPF 50+ any time I'm planning to be outdoors, because I'm pale and at high risk.) Be sure to reapply as directed.

Free/cheap sunscreen samples

If you're worried about the cost of adding sunscreen to your daily regimen (and yes, some varieties can be pricey), here are some places you can get free or lower-cost samples to get you started. (These are USA only, since that's where I'm based, but you can Google "free sunscreen sample" to check what's available in your region.)

LaRoche-Posay Anthelios Melt-In Milk SPF 60 free sample request form, no purchase necessary!

Suntegrity has lower-cost ($2-$7) samples of their tinted SPF 30 sunscreen products

PinchMe offers rotating free product samples such as this sunscreen that you can claim at no charge

DailyGoodieBox also has products on rotation, but they sometimes offer skin care boxes that include sunscreen

Sephora stores offer free take-home samples of nearly every product they sell, including a lot of sunscreen moisturizers; visit a local store if you have one. If you place an online order, you can also add up to three free product samples to your order (online sample products rotate, but there's usually at least one sunscreen product). They also periodically offer sunscreen sample packs that you can purchase at a reduced price to try new products.

Ulta Beauty has a free membership program that sends you a free gift and/or product samples on your birthday; they often have sunscreen available

LOTS of sunscreen companies offer free sunscreen wipes or sample packs at large events such as state fairs, concert festivals, sporting events, etc., so keep an eye out if you go to a big outdoor event!

"...But I HATE the texture/smell/whatever of sunscreen!"

If you don't like the idea of slathering your body in sunscreen, there are other sun protection options available. One of my go-tos is UPF-rated clothing. Whenever I know I'm going to be out in direct sun all day, I wear a long-sleeved, zip-up UPF 50 swim shirt that provides the same or better sun protection as wearing SPF 50 sunscreen. Because it's a thin, lightweight material designed for swimming, it's not hot -- I even wore it in the Sahara desert.

(It's a selfie, so you can't see much of the shirt, but I wore this thing all over Egypt, Jordan, Türkiye and Greece. I also wear it for, y'know, actual swimming.)

UPF shirts come in many styles, with and without zippers, pockets, or hoods:

UPF clothing is sold at sporting and outdoors stores (such as REI), as well as on Amazon and other retail sites. Depending on style and features, they run between $20-$60 -- or about the cost of two to four tubes of sunscreen. I paid about $25 for mine several years ago, and I've DEFINITELY gotten my money's worth out of it.

While it's still best to wear sunscreen on any exposed skin (including ears and lips!) when outdoors, you can also reduce direct sun on your face by wearing a broad-brimmed hat. Try to choose one that's solid material, rather than a straw hat with open weaving or holes that allow sunlight through.

In conclusion...

None of us enjoys thinking and stressing about all the ways our environment is trying to kill us, but using sun protection is a simple habit to get into, and it's an easy way to stay safe while still enjoying outdoor activities.

In short: Wear sunscreen.

be pro-aging but wear sun screen. sun protection is not beauty industry propaganda it will save you. wear it. or else.

[ladambell]

Feelings are hard.

I've heard it said before that if you continue to like something ironically for long enough — a silly pop song, a movie with bad acting, an ideology, what have you — then it becomes an unironic appreciation of that thing. I think the same might hold true for adulthood: pretend you're a grownup long enough, and you become one. Tick enough boxes in the "responsibilities" column, and the rest — the ennui, the debt, the dread, the back hair — it sneaks up on you.

There was a time in my life that if someone near me was playing a video game, I was there watching them and trying to convince them to let me play, no matter what that game was. Now I'm often either too preoccupied or too burnt out to play games with my own kid. Live service games where you play with or against real humans intimidate me, and mobile games are stuffed full of inspid ads for even more insipid mobile games. Sorry, tangent.

I used to run a podcast. I had a Twitter alt account where I posted silly bits of old cartoons. I even occasionally went out with friends! Madness! Now I get excited by new clothes, appliances, new toiletries. I look forward to working on broadcasts of high school football games — for the money, sure, but also because I get to hang out with people from my last job that I dearly miss.

So all of that... that's how I've been feeling lately. With my thrice-weekly commute, work, cooking, chores, errands, and oh yeah, sleep... it feels like I have little time left for anything else. And with the confluence of those precious moments of free time, a tight family budget, mild social anxiety, and a more-than-mild addiction to social media, it's not hard to see why my interest in hobbies, conversation, and even recreation have gone completely by the wayside.

But now I'm struggling for a sense of identity, because so often it feels like all I am is a tool completing a series of tasks. Filling a space like an extra in a TV show, adding texture to a background without really contributing anything.

What do I even DO anymore? My job definitely serves a purpose in my organization, but it's hard to see anything outside of that. I don't see any product at the end of the day, something I can point to and say "I MADE THAT." When I was in a creative job, even a news editor, I could still point to a piece I cut and say "I MADE THAT" and feel proud of myself. Now, as long as the place isn't burning down and my inbox isn't blowing up, I can't get that feeling anymore. Pointing at a schedule and going "I MADE... sure that... there were... ⁿᵒ ᶜᵒⁿᶠˡⁱᶜᵗˢ" just doesn't hold the same sense of satisfaction for me. And what do I have to show for that, you know? I don't even have anything from my current job I could show to another potential employer and say "I MADE THAT." All I'd have to go on would be whatever praise my current boss has for me, and she barely even knows what I do.

I used this analogy when I gave a presentation to my current team a little while back — this quote from Futurama describes my job perfectly:

So I mean, sure, I get the occasional "attaboy" at work, and it's nice to be appreciated, to have your work acknowledged. But again, words are cheap and no one cares how much money you make. I have nothing of value to show for the time I've spent here so far.

Alicia astounds me. She has her job, AND she does a lot for the kiddo, AND her scout stuff, AND at least two friends she regularly chats with, AND she handles all the bills, AND SHE EVEN READS. Like, books. She's amazing. As useless and milquetoast as I feel sometimes, it's a wonder we're still together. I think the moments I feel surest in myself are the times she boosts me up — when she tells me about how a parent chatted her up at a scout event and asked her how she manages to do everything she does for scouts while also balancing a full-time job, and Alicia praises me: "I have the most wonderful husband, who supports me and helps with our kid, and takes care of so much of the house stuff..." Even now as I type it, I start to tear up. More than being appreciated, it's good to feel necessary. To have a real purpose. To be a pillar for someone else. That's why I keep doing all the adult things — because I know if I don't, I'll be hurting them. Hurting her.

I consider myself a very private person; I don't open up to people without seriously getting to know them first, and I'm fairly antisocial — I really only make friends when I'm stuck with other people in some situation I can't escape. If I were on my own... I'm not sure I could've made it this far. Despite having a degree in mass media, I'm still convinced I wouldn't have gotten the TV job if I hadn't been with her — her old co-worker's husband worked at the TV station, you see. He put in a good word for me. I don't know, I have very few friends and no clue how to network.

I have no idea where I'd be now if it weren't for her.

When he and his brother Justin announced that they were retiring from their jobs at Polygon in 2018, Griffin McElroy said:

It does not matter how happy your work makes you if work is all that there is.

So I guess if I have any sense of identity right now in my life, it's as a supporter, a provider. Life isn't about me, and whether I make things or not doesn't matter all that much. What matters is the family I support, the love I help create. That's more important than a hobby, at least for now. And this feeling of emptiness isn't forever, it's temporary.

I still like video games, although I don't have nearly as much time or money for them as others apparently do.

I still have ongoing games of Scrabble and Words with Friends with a trio of regulars (that I rarely ever talk to).

I still jot down potential Only Connect questions every now and then in the Notes app on my phone.

And I think maybe someday I'd like to find a way to do some more painting. The process never seems all that special at the time, but the results are usually pretty satisfying.

[maeve-is-annoying-about-books]

House of Leaves, Chapter 13

Another rich chapter. This one was titled, too. Before Zampanò erased all reference to the labyrinth.

These poor kids, man... It's not enough they have to live in a rhetorical device for their parents' issues, but they have to go to school on top of it all. And now watch as dead and dying men they saw just a week-and-some-change ago get vaulted onto the living room floor.

It seems like I have an answer of a sort as to why the Spiral Staircase got so big. Karen's packing to leave coincides at about the same time as the stretch.¹ It's a total collapse of communication on all fronts. Y'know, in a way everyone is in their own bewildering little house at this moment. One that's twisting, unsure, and endlessly possible but infinitely obfuscating. Brookes, a teacher at the children's school, walks into the house looking for answers and is met with confusion. Like Holloway, when there are no answers, ends, or goals. Like Karen, who has infinite choice on where and how to go, but by that same token makes it impossible to plan. Like Tom, bereft of a brother. Like the police who walk into a mystery they simply cannot solve in a household they don't understand.

To me the house has a component of the terror of infinite possibility. If you're an artist of any sort, maybe you'll understand. Has anyone ever told you to just draw anything? Draw whatever you like. Because now, well, what's the right thing to draw? What is the best use of your time? What ages-old idea will you resurrect when you have time for one? In these situations I find having infinite choices is the same as having none, both beget a certain kind of paralysis.

Anyway. The uh, the book. Let's see what's next I'm sure it's answers about Hallway an-

Hi. Johnny. My man's so far gone he's nailing tape measures up in his room.² I didn't expect Lude to be the one to give him his figurative light, though. It's narrative as fuck. He's literally giving Johnny a guiding light, his way out, and Johnny just can't do it.

And then there's this bit here that I like.³ Johnny talking about how without the story, he would cease to exist. And it's completely true. He has interposed himself into it and he's now a part of it from my perspective. In the complete sense, he is a character in the story in my hands. Like some fly trapped in a piece of amber I'm holding.

In a way, I guess I'm also part of this story now. My musings are added to the book. Maeve's interludes where she talks about her feelings and gripes at Johnny. There's something about that that should frighten me, but I actually think it's really sweet. Even if my words are only seen by a handful of people, to them, to you I am every bit the same character as Will, Karen, or Johnny. I exist on paper, in relation to this story. At least until I move on to my next book. But these words, my bit part, will remain. As will everyone else's who writes about House of Leaves.

I got... very sidetracked. Pardon me.

Navidson's escape. The book seems a bit insistent on coding Holloway as the Minotaur. But what I find striking is that he's simply not. He's much more in line with Zampanò's small take on the man-bull.⁴ Someone dispossessed for inadequacy. The labyrinth is his home, it keeps him safe. It gives him the visage of a brave adventurer. I'm sure there are allusions and themes with Elizabeth and the doe but I'm not too picky about them. I more find it interesting that he took his own life in the house. Moon above that sounds horrific worded like that. I mean that there are two ways it could be read. Either as a definite end to the infinite using the only thing he had control over, or... Or the labyrinth took him as its Minotaur. Maybe both. The house vanished his body, turning even certainty into possibility. the suggestion he is the something in the dark, still. And that's maybe the most horrific thing of all. Not that Holloway's body lurks in the house, but its power to make the certain into a worrying "possibly".

Or my read on it is bad. This is a very packed chapter, I still have a segment to go, so please excuse me for capping my speculation here for now.

Speaking of the house and frightening possibilities the fucking thing is on the loose.⁴ In... a heel turn? The house is now warping its normal side, rapidly opening into yawning abyss. Actively trying to kill its occupants. Now in the moment this was fucking terrifying, brought out the little girl in me who was frightened of Monster House. But after the fact I wonder at... why. Why suddenly change like this? Why shift to the maximally predatory? Why the sudden visceral horror over the liminal cold? I've trusted the very deliberate nature of the book so far, so I'm willing to extend some grace and see if there's more context later. Perhaps the violence is caused simply by the group perceiving the house as a violent thing. Maybe it's a lingering echo of the violence it was taught. Maybe action scenes are just really cool.

There is this one moment I'd like to take note of before I end post. It's here⁵, where Navidson is rescuing Daisy. The scratches on her arms are still, of course, there. I found it interesting that Navy has to undergo a symbolic reciprocation of her pain in order to rescue her.

And he did rescue her.

At the cost of Tom. Oh Tom you deserved so much better than this.

[drabbles-mc]

I Said I'm Fine

JJ Maybank x F!Reader

For Day 14 of @whumpril's 2023 Challenge: false smile / holding back tears / "I said I'm fine"

Warnings: 18+, language, angst

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: I've been wanting to write for JJ again for a while now and these prompts just seemed to good to pass up for him. Hope you enjoy!

OBX Taglist: @garbinge @passionatewrites (If you want to be added to any of my taglists, please let me know!)

The pogues all getting back to the Outer Banks was the biggest news on the island since they’d all gone missing. It was funny to you how much people had switched up about them once they were missing. People that you knew for a fact had never said a kind word to any of them were suddenly saying how worried they were, how they hoped that they were all okay wherever they were. It was all bullshit, and you knew it, but it wasn’t worth fighting with them over.

You almost wished that any of it had been sincere, because at least then it wouldn’t have felt like you were suffering alone. But, as it stood, you had no one. The more time that went by, the less people even pretended to care, and the more alone you felt.

But then they all came home.

There was nothing else in your life that could’ve compared to the feeling of relief that came when you found out that it was true, that they really were all back on the island. All of those weeks with absolutely no news, and now you were going to be able to see them all again. It felt like your heart was going to leap clean out of your chest.

You didn’t really know what you expected, but when you stopped by the chateau to see everyone, the only person that you saw there was John B. It made sense that everyone would’ve gone off in their different directions, but part of you was hoping that you would be able to see them all together before they split off.

It didn’t stop you from hugging John B tight enough to you to risk cracking his ribs. “I’m so glad you guys are okay,” you said, tears welling up in your eyes.

He laughed but you could hear the heaviness in it as he said, “Yea, me too.”

Pulling back, you quickly wiped the tears from your face. “Where…where is everyone?”

He shook his head, looking as bewildered as you felt. He didn’t know what else to do besides shrug. “Not sure. I think that everyone went…went home. Sarah went to get some stuff from Tannyhill but then she’ll be back here.”

“What about JJ?”

John B shrugged again. “He didn’t say where he was going exactly. Just figured he was going back to his house.”

Your heart sank at that. His house. His house that you knew for a fact was now taped off and slated to be seized by the bank. His house that he had been dying to get out of for years before all of this, and now it was only going to be worse.

Trying to get your feelings under control, you nodded. “Right. I’m, um, I’m gonna go see if I can catch up with him. I’ll try to track down Pope and Kie tomorrow.”

John B nodded. “Sure thing.”

Pulling him into another hug, you told him, “I’m so fucking glad you guys are home.”

He eased into the hug, squeezing you back for a moment. “Thank you.”

Without wasting another minute, you took off from the chateau back to your car and started towards JJ’s. You’d been stopping there on your rounds while everyone had been gone. You’d been stopping by the chateau too, on the off chance that they all appeared again and were just trying to lay low like the last time they dropped off the radar.

Practically jumping out of your car, you started making your way towards the front door. You saw the tape across it, but you also saw the way that the front door had been opened anyway. A heaviness settled in your chest as you realized that JJ had to come home after so many weeks away, to this. You’d been spending all of those weeks alone, but JJ had to come back to loneliness. That was an entirely different kind of pain.

Letting yourself in the house, you called out for him. “JJ?”

There was the sound of something clattering to the ground followed by the heavy footsteps that let you know that while a lot of things might have changed, JJ still hadn’t lost his boots. Any of the comfort that you found in that realization, however, was lost when JJ emerged from where his bedroom used to be. The lost look on his face broke your heart, but what made it worse was the fact that he tried to paint a smile on over it as he said your name.

“What’re you doing here?”

You wanted to step in closer to him, but it felt like your feet were glued to the floor. “I just, um, I wanted to come and see you.”

He held his arms out, the fake smile growing sadder by the second. “Here I am.”

Something about the sadness in his face got your feet to finally cooperate with the rest of you. Crossing the room in what felt like two long strides, you landed yourself right in front of him. “I missed you.”

“I—” his sentence was cut short for a moment as you wrapped him up in a hug. He settled into it, but you could feel the way that he was beginning to shake as he said, “I missed you too.”

The two of you stood like that for a long time, wrapped up in the middle of the dirty living room of Luke’s abandoned house. You were making up for lost time, all the days and nights that you’d spent worrying about him, about all of them. Every day that went by it felt less and less likely that you’d ever get the chance to hug JJ like this again. But he was here now, and you didn’t want to let him go.

JJ, on the other hand, was holding you tight in the hopes that if he held you tight enough, held you long enough, that the world around him would somehow change. As long as your arms were squeezing around his middle, and his eyes were shut tight as he buried his face into your shoulder, the sad reality of all that he had to come back to on the island wasn’t something that he had to deal with.

You could feel it as he started to shake more, could feel how he was trying desperately to hold back his tears. Running your hand up and down his back, you said, “You can talk to me, you know.”

That snapped him out of the sad but wishful state that he’d been in. Pulling away from you, he sniffled and shook his head, trying to blink his tears back into submission. “Talk? What’s,” he forced a laugh, “what’s there to talk about?”

“JJ—”

“No, no,” he waved you off, taking a step back, “I’m fine. Really. Why,” he let out a sad laugh as he held his arms out, gesturing to the room around you, “why wouldn’t I be good? I’m home! All those weeks away and I’m finally fucking home!”

You felt your bottom lip starting to quiver. “I’m sorry.”

Heat crept up the back of his neck—he could feel the anger threatening to roll over him. It wasn’t about you. None of this was your fault. But the longer he stood there, looking at you and the sad, sympathetic look in your eyes, the more he felt like he was going to take it out on you anyway. It wasn’t fair. But nothing about any of this really was.

“What do you have to be sorry for? I said I’m fine. I’m back,” he kicked an empty beer can to the side, “back in paradise.”

You knew that there was nothing to say that was going to soothe the pain he was feeling. Everyone else was coming home to things that were theirs, coming home to families of some kind. But not him. He had an empty, foreclosed house and that was it. John B had the chateau, Sarah had John B, Kiara had her parents, and Pope had his. Everyone had someone to lean on, something that was waiting to welcome them home. JJ had you, but it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t what he was looking for.

“You don’t gotta stay,” he said after a long stretch of silence. “I’m all good here, if you couldn’t tell.”

“I want to stay,” you told him, hoping to make him realize that he wasn’t as alone as he felt.

He scoffed. “No one wants to stay here. I don’t want to stay here, that’s for damn sure. Luke didn’t wanna stay here either! Hell, I didn’t even want to come back at all!”

The tears that were lingering at the edges of your eyes finally started to spill over. “JJ…”

“No, no,” he waved you off, “don’t do that. Don’t look at me like that, say my name like that.”

“I’m not—”

“What are you even doing here, anyway?”

Wiping at the tears on your face, you asked, “Is it not obvious?” You could tell by the look on his face when he opened his mouth that he was going to have another sarcastic comment for you, so you cut him off before he could start. “I’ve been worried sick about you for well over a month, JJ. You were missing. I, I was worried that you were dead.”

“Well,” he threw his hands up, “I’m not. I’m good. So you can—”

“You’re not good, JJ! Stop saying that!” You took a step towards him, erasing the distance that he’d tried to put there. “You’re not good. Nothing…nothing about this situation is good. I, I get that.”

You didn’t get it fully. But you were at least in a place where you could see it more than anyone else had been capable of. That’s why you were standing there with him while everyone else was gone. You were expecting JJ to throw it back in your face, though, the way that you couldn’t possibly understand it all. You braced yourself for a tirade, but it never came. The anger that was beginning to flood his eyes slowly started to drain, the sadness and loss creeping back in its stead. You saw the way he tried to keep his tears at bay as he shook his head at you, trying to figure out what to say next.

All you wanted to do was pull him out of that god forsaken house and never let him go back. Your mind was already racing, trying to come up with a plan for it all. But you also knew that the best plan in the world wasn’t going to matter if JJ didn’t agree to it. It all hinged on him being willing to let his guard down, let someone help.

“Please come stay with me,” you finally said.

He froze, clearly not expecting that to be the next thing you said. “What?”

“Come stay with me. At least for a little while, until we figure out what to do next.”

He shook his head. “No, no I can’t…you’re just…no. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

He stepped back and started to pace. “Just because you feel bad, doesn’t mean—”

“This is just as much for me as it is for you,” you said, cutting him off.

It wasn’t a lie, either. You didn’t want JJ to be squatting in Luke’s house for a multitude of reasons. You knew that nothing good was going to come of that. However, you would’ve been lying if you tried to say that convincing him to stay with you and your family didn’t have some selfish ulterior motives to it. All those weeks of not knowing where he was, it would be nice to know that he was just down the hall.

He could see the sincerity in your eyes. Part of him knew that he wasn’t going to end up winning this argument, but another part of him wasn’t going to let him give in without a fight.

“What about your parents?”

You laughed and shook your head, wiping at the tears on your face. “I’ve been telling you for years, JJ, my parents actually like you.”

He never believed it when you said it. You didn’t exactly blame him—most people on the island didn’t like JJ simply because they knew his last name. That, and he had a hard time not feeding into the animosity of it all once he found out that people didn’t particularly trust him. But your parents hadn’t ever treated him poorly, hadn’t ever made him feel less-than. You knew that some of it came from pity, but it was better than them treating him poorly.

It'd been a long enough stretch of silence to allow him to think when you finally spoke up again. “Please?”

He hesitated for another moment longer, but then gave in with a nod. “Okay.” He wiped at the tears on his face. “Just, just until I figure out something else.”

Relief flooded through you as you nodded. “Of course.”

Stepping in, JJ wrapped his arms around you in a tight hug, finally allowing himself to fall apart for a moment. “Thank you.”

You held him tight. “Of course.” Hooking your chin over his shoulder, you let your hand trail up and down his back. “I love you, you know.”

You felt the way he nodded as he kept you clung close to him. “I know.” He let out a sigh of relief. “I love you too.”

[20dollarlolita]

Did you know that sometimes, you do something totally normal in the tumblr editor, something that you could accidentally do very easily, and it decides to eat your entire post? It just deleted over an hour of work? Did you know that it does that?

Isn't that swell?

THE RANDOM LOLITA 30 DAY CHALLENGE, DAY 10: 10 THINGS YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT IN LOLITA.

We're doing a challenge from 2011 and we're doing it very slowly. We're actually doing it even slower, because we wrote half of this post, hit ctrl+z, and tumblr just fucking deleted it with no way to get it back. Glorious. 10/10, fucking hate it.

This challenge number was a little weird for me. I've been doing lolita since 2011, and the answers that I would have given in 2011 are probably very different than the ones I'm giving in 2023. Having that framing makes me feel very nostalgic.

Let's get into it. If tumblr eats this again, I will be throwing the entire website out the door.

Number 1) A comfortable petticoat that stays the right shape, and that I don't have to worry about crushing.

Back in my early days, one of the first things that I bought for lolita fashion was a real petticoat. One of the most critical elements of a lolita fashion look is the shape, and having a foundation that gave me the right shape helped things that I was making look a lot more like real lolita.

(Early 2012)

My first ever petticoat, which is under the red dress, was made out of muslin and some walmart tulle. I believe it used this tutorial. While that dress wasn't ever going to look really lolita super well, the petticoat issue sure isn't helping.

These days I have a Wunderwelt petticoat that I got in 2016, and it's so very enjoyable to have a petticoat where the only concern is that it might be too big for a dress. I love how little work it takes to add the proper shape to a coord.

Number 2) Definitely lolita shoes.

When I wear lolita out and about, I've noticed that one of the things that changes stranger's reactions is the shoes. If I've got some distinctly lolita shoes, like RHS, people tend to ask if it's a fashion. If I'm wearing lolitable shoes that could also work in a non-lolita outfit, I get asked what costume I'm wearing.

(Late 2013)

Baby lolita me had a pair of black Mary Jane pumps from Target, and those were my lolita shoes for several months. In my first ever Bodyline order, I got some brown tea parties, and about a year later I bought these pink RHS and white flats.

And that was it. That was what I owned for lolita shoes from 2013 to 2016. Coords were black, brown, pink, white, or else I wore shoes that didn't match. Occasionally I'd go crazy and get some short boots into the mix, but this was my lolita shoe collection.

I have at least four tutorials in this blog about how to fix shoes, because I don't let my shoes die until they're absolutely dead and gone. Those brown tea parties are now painted gold and have been turned into very dangerous roller skates. I had to take a five-ish mile offroad hike in the white ones, which destroyed the bottoms as well as permanently staining the ribbon frill brown. These are, to this day, the only lolita shoes that I've ever thrown away. The other two pairs of shoes I still have.

My closet doesn't look like a BTSSB show room because I have to keep the rubbermaid tub of skulls somewhere, and the closet seems the best place.

In the seven years since I started buying lolita shoes again, I've collected several pairs. A lot of these pairs were in the $5-$30 price range, and none of them have been disposed of. This is just seven years of collecting shoes.

Number 3) Little details that are fast to add to a coord.

So, TJ Maxx sells these little clip on ribbon bows in their baby department, and they're my new favorite fast and easy accessory. They can go in your hair. They can go on your dress. They can go on your shoes. It's wonderful.

I've said a whole lot that making a lolita coord is about adding all the details that you think you should add, and then adding 3-5 more details. It's very easy to underestimate how detailed a handmade lolita piece should be.

Something that I didn't fully appreciate until recently, at least not to the extent that I currently appreciate it, is how much your overall coordinate can benefit from the same thing. If you CAN throw on some little extra bows and bracelets, it generally looks better if you do that.

I have very small wrists (both wrists together cannot hold a 4-week old kitten) and jingling loose bracelets often drive me nuts. I finally found out that stretch bracelets meant for kids will fit on my wrists, won't jinglejangle, and also won't pinch. As a bonus, they're like $1 for a 2-pack, so I went a little bit nuts stocking up on them.

I've got a couple of tutorials on making your own cheap, small details that you can just plop onto as many coords as you'd like.

Number 4) Sewing machine.

(Feb 2011)

My first lolita dress was handmade. Making my own garments and accessories has always been an important part of this fashion for me. I don't have as much to say about this, because it's just so constantly present in everything that I do.

I've learned about lolita fashion by sewing it, and I've learned about sewing by sewing lolita fashion.

(October 2010)

I made my first lolita dress on a pretty basic sewing machine (the precursor to the Janome 3160QDC). I've since sideways-graded to a really basic 80's Singer. Despite having a very fancy embroidery machine, I don't sew on it. My last service said I've done 5 hours of sewing and 170 hours of embroidery on that machine. I know what I need, and I have what I need.

Number 5) Five Below's $5 bike shorts

They're $5. They come in every color.

Your tights falling down? Bike shorts. Your bloomers pretty annoying to wash and so you want to keep them off your skin to avoid having to wash our sweat stains? Your car a little bit funky and you might need to lie down on the ground to change your tire? Bike shorts. Little old lady in a wheelchair might pick up your skirt to see if you're wearing pantaloons? and you're not wearing pantaloons? You're never going to be more glad that you have bike shorts.

When I was new to lolita and like 12 years stupider than I now am, I had smaller petticoats, and always figured that high-coverage tights and standard underoos were modesty enough, with bloomers being necessary for coords with socks. Get a fuller petticoat, and you stop feeling like that. Bike shorts at Target were like $15 a pair, because they're designed to be comfortable to wear when you're riding a bike. I'm not riding a bike. I'm walking through walmart to buy some milk. I'm not going fast because I have 5" of fake wood glued to the bottom of my foot. I don't need your comfort features. I need $5 bike shorts.

These have pockets in them so that you can stash emergency money or a fortune you got from Panda Express in 2020 that says, "Be ready to take an important journey soon," on it.

Yes, the pantaloons thing happened to me, and I actually was wearing bloomers. Yes, the woman pushing the tiny old lady in the wheelchair clearly had never been more embarrassed in her life.

Number 6) Men's undershirts.

Call it a singlet, call it an a-shirt, please don't call it a wifebeater. These things are made of a ribbed knit that stretches to accommodate boobs and curves very well. They're meant to be washed the heck out of. I can't throw my dresses into the washing machine on the crazy hard cycle and throw them in a hot dryer and figure whatever happens happens, but these things are THREE. DOLLARS. EACH. A whole lot of not perfect things can be forgiven when the under shirt is $3.

The neck doesn't work on OPs or some blouses, but they're also three dollars each, so I wear them any time I can. Women's undershirts are $12-18 EACH so I can't just buy 30 of them. If you want some bonus armpit protections, men's t-shirt undershirts are only like $5 each.

Number 7) Oxiclean.

A lot of lolita fashion is about our super fancy, super detailed prints. These are prints that look lovely when you're up close to them, so it's important to not have dingy and dirty and faded prints, especially when you paid good money for that printing. All hail Oxiclean.

I went to go take a picture of the jumbo boxes of oxiclean that I buy, but it looks like someone threw the box on the ground and then went to lie in her bed like nothing bad happened. (She wasn't hurt and I cleaned it up so she couldn't get it on her paws and lick it).

Also yes, my cat has her own little personal heater. It turns off if it's tipped over, so she will turn it off whenever she gets too hot.

Number 8) Parasols.

First of all, it turns out that finding offbrand parasols for lolita is a super cool challenge. They're not very common, so when you do find one, it feels like a big accomplishment.

I love parasols for a lot of reasons. I was going to get coffee with a friend, and someone was acting kind of strangely outside the shop. I liked that I had something in my hands to potentially use to keep that person away from me if they decided to approach me way too quickly. My doctor and I thought for a while that I had a condition where if I went in the sun, my skin attacked my internal organs, so I started carrying umbrellas for that. It's very sunny where I live. Before I lived here, I lived where it was very rainy, and having a nice couple of ruffled RainStoppers was good to have on hand.

(May 2011 | Sept 2013) I've actually collected parasols for longer than I've really been into lolita. Pic on the left was pre-lolita times. I absolutely loved that parasol and took it everywhere that I could. Pic on the right is the earliest picture I could find of my white RainStoppers that I got at Target, which I still have somewhere in my car. Mostly that pic is there because of my cats. Also the pictures just felt like a nice weird little bit of symmetry.

Anyway, when someone's taking a pic of you without asking, you can block it with your parasol. My relationship with parasols in lolita is complicated, because I feel like I shouldn't need to have a weapon with me, but here we are.

Number 9) All the info that baby me chronicled. Everything I've learned and everything that I didn't used to know. I have so much fun looking at my old cringe coords and all of the things I did that I know are wrong now. I really miss the way I fearlessly tried things out and the rate at which I churned out new pieces. There's some pieces that I don't have anymore and I miss those things. I used to have some old school AP socks that I have no clue where they are. Seeing the way I used to have my bedroom set up so that I'd still have space to sew. Looking at the dates on pictures and thinking about what I was doing back then. Most of these pictures are from back when cell phone cameras were awful, and I've had to edit all of them to get better exposure before putting them up. There's memories I have of us all carrying around digital cameras to save things, because cell phones just weren't there yet (also some of us didn't have pix messaging plans and had to pay 25 cents per picture to get them to our computers). I looked at the bottom of my pink RHS the other day and the tread's all the way worn off. That's so interesting to me, that I've worn pink-shoe lolita enough that I completely wore the tread off.

Jan 1, 2014 "Sometimes the best thing ever is to walk into Starbucks and watch a five year old’s eyes go as wide as they can, point at you, and say loudly “Mom, is that a real person?” Sometimes the best part is watching the mom go BEET red."

I remember that event so specifically. It was one of the first times I'd actually worn the head-eating bow in public. It took me several years to warm up to the head-eaters. I remember exactly what the mom and the kid looked like, but also until I read this post, I'd completely forgotten about this whole incident.

Number 10)

This blog, and the people who read it, interact with it, comment on it.

I really cannot explain how amazing this community is to me. I think the first time I saw someone link someone else a tutorial I made was just a couple of years ago. It was so exciting. Every time i meet someone who is afraid to get into lolita fashion due to the expense, and I'm able to tell them that there's a whole COMMUNITY of people who want to do lolita for less, it's amazing. I started this blog because I felt like I could make myself some accessories for not a lot of money, and I just needed the motivation to do it. But now it's so much better than that. I'm still making things for me. I make things I want and things that I'll use and things that I can make. But I'm also making them for other people, who also need the same kind of help. I teach myself new things so that I can answer questions I've been asked. Every time I have to research an answer for someone, that person has helped me grow.

It's just amazing. Thank you.