#but WHATEVER i spent too long writing this it’s getting posted gdi

[marshmellowtea]

writing will/tanya like….will seeing tanya as a safe person despite her objectively being unsafe for him in so many ways, because the concept of safety has been so warped for him, and tanya’s trying to keep him at arms length and not face the ways they’re growing on each other because then she’d have to actually treat their relationship with some responsibility, but then something—maybe lila related, maybe not—happens to william, and he comes to her because of it, and she has to grapple with that, with this title of Safe that she damn well knows she does not deserve, all while william is going through one of the worst experiences in his life, and of course he’s aware of how out of her depth tanya is, she’s just a flawed person like he is and he doesn’t want to be a burden to her, but he’s drawn to her for reasons he can’t quite pinpoint (maybe it’s because she looks like lila maybe it’s finally having real human connection maybe it’s there’s something familiar about the way she sometimes makes digs at him maybe he’s just lonely and broken and so is she, like they’re two fractured mirrors of each other) and she’s the first person he thinks to go to when he’s hurting because there’s something comforting about their relationship despite the strained, unsteady nature of it……there’s something about the way this warps their current standing with each other, deepens or destroys their respective bonds to each other—and that’s not even touching on what happens when mike enters the picture and becomes aware of what is happening—and all of that just never fails to compel and utterly ruin me 😩

[justkpopjokes]

Found You || OnlineRival!Felix

AU: online gamer friends + college + rivals to lovers

Anon: know it's a common au cliché but I've been craving some college au's of felix, maybe enemies to lovers ?? but enemies in a playful, competitive sense of course. I'll leave this vague so that you have more creative freedom, idc if you write in para. style or bullet point, I'll eat up anything you write skskj

A/N: I HAVE RETURNED!! Hope you enjoy this anon~ still can’t believe you’ve been following me since 2017 oml

If anyone else has lowkey specific requests for skz I’ll take them!! It can be any type/medium(?) of writing lol I just don’t want to write elaborate plots rn

You’ve been playing this video game recently

(I’ve been playing Valorant lol so I’m basing this off of that)

you’ve been playing solo for a bit

One afternoon, you match with a nice team that’s doing well

it’s a good game; you’re pretty evenly matched

you end up the last player standing, win a round for your team, & they applaud you for it!

But then—ohoho and then—

—you hear the deepest freakin Australian accent on voice chat

saying “ayy nice!!”

you say a polite thank you back to him

meanwhile the other people on your team are like

“holy crap bro your voice is low af!”

you get to hear this boy speak for longer lol

His username is #1Aboji or BrownieBoi915 or smth idk so you call him Brownie

and y’all get to talking lol

you send him a friend request on a whim because he seems nice

he accepts, sends you a party invite, and you play a few games together!!

Over the course of a couple months, you play together every time you’re online at the same time

(which is often bc ur timezones happen to be the same hehe)

It’s funny because although you’re friendly with each other, you’re competitive af LMAO

most of your games are spent competing for who can get more kills and who can be MVP of the team/entire match

it’s friendly competition but competition nonetheless

eventually he asks for your Tumblr/Twitter/whatever so y’all can chat a bit more :D

his @ can still be @/BrownieBoi915 lol

Brownie’s fun and you share some interests!!

your music tastes are similar too, so he sends you song recommendations, then you yell about them

You’ve been chatting a lot and reply to each others’ posts/tweets often, especially when you’re just posting about weird sh!t happening in your life

But one day… you post about something that happened at your college

something like “icb this ajlsdhf there’s this girl in one of my classes and she just sCALED THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING SO SHE WOULDN’T BE LATE TO CLASS”

less than a minute later you get a text:

“AHJKFLDSA WAIT YOUR MOST RECENT TWEET—

DO YOU MEAN VANESSA??”

and then

wAIT THAT’S BROWNIE TEXTING

HE KNOWS VANESSA?!?!?

So, naturally, you text him back

Then Brownie gets you to agree to another silly competition:

see who could identify the other first on campus!!

the 1 rule is that you have to find each other in-person

(there is a 2nd rule that you can’t ask exactly where the other person is, but that’s pretty obvious lol)

But because of the main rule, occasionally you’ll get a vague text like

Brownie: “Hey are you wearing a red flannel right now”

You: “No I’m not even outside lmao”

Brownie: “Dammit I thought I felt the vibes”

It’s a nice lil challenge because the only thing you know about Brownie is that he identifies as a guy and has an Australian accent

(but that may be unimportant depending on where you live lmao)

meanwhile the only things he knows about you are random details, your voice, and that you have a class with Vanessa lol

And it’s FUN!!

but you both start to get suuuuper competitive

mostly because of the 1 rule

there have literally been times you’ve probably found Brownie when you hear an Australian accent in the distance

however he always leaves before you can get to him, so it doESN’T COUNT GDI

Brownie tho lmao—he’s always putting on his detective hat and trying to track you down on campus

whenever he’s chilling after class he asks for where you are generally

he’ll ask you “Hey wyd”

You: “Studying”

Brownie: “In the library?”

You: “…Yes”

then he starts to narrow down where you could be based on less-specific questions

Of course, that’s not the only thing you text him about

you’ve grown pretty close to Brownie

the competition has helped with that!!

and ofc you still play that game together lol

Honestly, you really want to meet him

he’s just super charming + considerate

Also he mentioned he likes baking

you suggested “we should bake together!!”

Brownie: “Gotta find me first ;)))”

so,,, yeah you daydream about baking with Brownie

you really want to know his name

I mean, c’mon, you’ve gotten his phone number at this point, but you still can’t find him??

it’s starting to get frustrating

to the point where he can hear the frustration through your texts

HIS NAME IS FELIX!!

YOU HAVE A NAME TO WORK OFF OF NOW!!!!

That small piece of information motivates you for the rest of the week

you give Felix your name in return, but he insists that neither of you should ask around for each other

(you can’t ask your friends if they know someone named Felix

but if you hear someone say “Felix” while you’re out and about, that works)

you’re still unable to find him for some time, but knowing Felix’s name makes you feel closer to him

You can’t video call Felix but you normally call him at least once a week

after knowing him for at least half a year, you get this warm feeling in your chest every time his name pops up on the top of your phone

One of your phone calls sounds something like this:

Felix: “Hey, y/n?”

You: “Yes?”

Felix: “Do you want to go out for lunch? I mean, once we find each other.”

You: “As in a date?”

Felix: “Yeah—I mean, if that’s okay!”

You: “Yes please!! So can you find me already istg 🙄”

Felix is itching to meet you too

…so he sends you a selfie

with a filter though! that way you don’t see his entire face

you send him 1 in return (also with a filter)

Felix immediately says “aww ur cute uwu”

and your heart m e l t s

you’d think, hey maybe that’ll help me find him

SPOILERS it doesn’t really help lmao

Your close friends really want to help lmao because they’ve been hearing about this “Brownie” boy you like

however, you & Felix are adamant of winning this competition because the person who wins doesn’t need to pay for your 1st lunch date lol

It’s the last Friday afternoon before you have a week-long holiday, when you’re hanging out in front of one of your friend’s classes to pick them up

you’re standing outside the building chatting with one of your other friends when your phone starts ringing in your pocket

other friend is like “ooOOOH is it brownie boy??”

You: “Oh yeah rip he’s probably calling because I missed some of his texts, give me a moment."

You’re about to pick up when the call drops

so you’re like ?? bruh what and are about to unlock your phone to see what Felix’s texts are about

That’s when you feel a tap on your shoulder

and a low Australian voice behind you says your name

your head whips around to find this cute face with freckles and a giant smile on his face

“Felix?!?”

“Heh, I found you~”

Dude doesn’t hesitate to hug you, pick you up, then spin you around

your friend is watching with a goofy smile but he doesn’t care

after he finally puts you down, you cup his face with both your hands

“The filters always hide your freckles… they’re like stars, Lix”

instead of a lunch date, Felix takes you out for dinner :DD

even though you lost he insists on paying :’))

your friends don’t even care that you’re ditching them ajlkfdhs they literally push you away to go eat with Felix lmao

and you return home with that warm feeling in ur heart still there

needless to say, he will arrange another date so he can bring you some homemade brownies

he is the brownie boy after all!!

[sanguinesprout]

Some progress? Hurrah! (Updates, tiny triumphs and more re-motivating)

Ooookay... yeah, I’ve been kinda putting off posting until I really had something substantial to write about (and in turn forgot a whole load of stuff, gdi man). I really need to remember to at least note things down in the drafts on my phone, that would be good, but I hardly ever use the app so I forget about it lol. Anyways, hah! It’s not been a month since the last post...yet... I think one post per month is do-able for me... but I won’t promise myself this because I do get preoccupied and don’t wanna pressure myself too much, just a loose goal will do.

The main main thing that was making me holding off making a post was because I wanted to have done some of the things I wrote about in my last post first (which I haven’t re-read). Things like fixing my CV, looking for jobs and applying to them. Hm... and well, I did it! Kinda! (With a some help and encouragement from my sis ^^) I altered my CV a smidgen until even I was satisfied with it, did look for jobs multiple times and I did manage to apply to one! (One is really less and there’s no guarantee I’ll be successful of course, but I just wanted to see how it goes as it is definitely my first option out of the few jobs I found suitable. Dippin’ my toe in the water as always *sigh* but it’s a start!)

Applying was pretty straight forward, an online form with basic personal details and some questions like ‘why do you want to work for us?’, ‘give an example of a time you gave great customer service’. I feel like I wrote some pretty good stuff... I hope... Even though it was only a few sentences lol. It was kind of difficult but kind of not... I think it’s maybe because when you really want the job and are passionate about it, the words kind of come more freely. C’mon I gotta keep believing in myself, I can do this! There is hope for me after all! For everyone out there too! :D 

I really should apply to the whole bunch of the jobs I bookmarked but I’m still too nervous... x^x I think some of them have already been taken down/filled already because I dawdled too long too. I have up to 4 weeks to wait for a reply (or be ignored) by the place I applied to. Then if I do happen to be selected as a candidate, there’s an interview and a group practical with the other candidates... to help whittle it down ahhhh... I’ll save the worrying about this for later if I even am able to get to that point at all... @A@ 

The place I applied to is a place I’m quite familiar with that I really enjoy and my sis already works there (but is thinking of maybe leaving sometime soon for a higher paying job) so she has told me lots about it already and would be able to advise me on a lot of stuff. So... I kind of have an advantage here but uh, putting all my eggs in one basket again... I need to get out of my comfort zone even more than this, but at least I did something! 

If I don’t get selected for interview I’d be real sad because I am truly very passionate about this place and their products, I feel it would be a great chance for me to grow. I went all out filling the application form thing with this cheesiness ah orz. I feel I have a lot of relevant skills and knowledge and bits of experience, but they might prefer people with a lot more real experience and status(?). It’s a retail job, the placement is for a part timer, minimal hours, but I feel this would be the perfect starting point for me ;w;

If I don’t get it then oh well, at least I tried and maybe I’ll find something even more awesome. There’ll always be another path I can take, nothing is ever set in stone. To be able to support myself and my parents in future I need to make money, there is no other way. Besides being too dependent I also can’t keep hiding away, it’s no way to live, I can do a lot more than I think I can, Imma go for it, be a better me, be the real me! ^^

Besides the job app stuff I also made some phone calls for things that I normally try to avoid and continued doing some more phone orders for my parents and they went fine! I also went shopping and eating with my sis some more to even further and super busy places, even with a friend of hers there and have been feeling well, not as anxious as I thought I’d get (except for certain small situations), and felt like I was actually being more myself for once, which was great! I interacted with shop people on my own accord too which was good!

As well as the anxiety, I still get spells of feeling really ill and restricted (thanks to my physical problems) that I can’t control but if I tell myself I’ll be fine, I’m stronger than I think and I’ll get through them then well, I persevere and get through them! I gotta toughen up! Hoo! There’s so many people that have it a million times worse than me but they still try, they can still smile and do all the things they set their mind to, they’re so very inspiring and wonderful. A lot of the time when I want to avoid, I get caught up in the fear from all the ‘what if’s’ but I just need to ignore them and just actually go and do whatever it is I’m fretting over then I’ll prove myself wrong. If you don’t try you won’t know, nothing ventured nothing gained!

I’ve kinda shied away from doing stuff online that’s direct, like commenting on stuff which is really... idk I keep overthinking and feeling paranoid about it and it’s really really stupid! :c I also spent a long time debating my usernames and blog purposes again but I’ve got them figured out now... I think... I have to remind myself though that there’s no right or wrong way to do things like this, I should just do what I want and feel, whatever I’m happy with is fine, it doesn’t matter what other people think! Just do it!

I really want to be able to open up more and be myself, talking is difficult especially when it comes to feelings... I don’t want to feel so ashamed, but it’s too deeply ingrained in me to just want to keep hiding everything. I need to break out of this habit and learn to be proud of myself instead. Baby steps! All will be fine! 

I had a lot of times of feeling really down, getting lost in all these self-loathing thoughts again lately, but I’m starting to feel a lot more pumped and hopeful just from trying a little harder and doing a little of what I’ve been scared to do. I am worthy, I am capable, I am here because I deserve to be. Things will be okay as long as I keep my head up and keep pushing myself forwards!

Believe in yourself and persevere! Fight for happiness!

Have a great evening! :D