#but SHEEV on the other hand

[thedynamicworm]

if there’s one thing Star Wars has taught us it’s that no one dies from being thrown down a reactor shaft anymore

[kitcat22]

Okay, okay so I’m thinking of an au mashup in which Obi Wan gets de-aged in the middle of the clone wars, except Obi Wan is now at the age when his prophetic visions and slightly offputting nature were at they’re height.

I tend to follow the belief, in Seer!Obi wan fics, that Yoda took one look at the 8 year old Obi Wan who keeps telling him increasingly creepy little snippets of his future and the looked at Sifo-Dyas rocking back and forth in the corner doodling the same face over and over, with slight variations, muttering insanities as Dooku tries to lure him out with a trail of biscuits and tea, and just went. No. Absolutely not. Not doing this again. And the council at the time just sort of agreed to put a mental block in place to stop Obi Wan from growing up into Sifo-Dyas Junior.

This is was all fine and dandy, until Obi Wan is suddenly 7 again without this block in place and planets away from anyone capable of rebuilding it again. Force forbid they allow Skywalker a go at it.

Now there’s an unsettling redheaded child making very worrying, very creepy comments.

Anakin: awww, aren’t you a cute!!!

Baby!Obi-Wan: Your hands drip with the blood of trillions, Your arrogance veils the sins you wish not to confront, Your decrepit body shall live on long past your own death, in a cage of its own making.

Anakin: : - 0

Baby!Obi-Wan: but thank you : - )

Ahsoka and Rex are very reluctant to be near the baby after he tells them how everyone they love will die and they shall continue on, surrounded but alone all the same.

Cody and the 212th choose to endure the comments on how they will die enslaved, put down by the masters that created them, deprived of personhood and kindness because creepy baby or not, that’s they’re general right there, they can figure all the freakiness out after the they’ve comforted the child. (They are immensely worried over this, though)

It’s not like Obi wan is enjoying this either. He doesn’t want to predict all this, it won’t stop!

Dooku, on the other hand is thrilled. He kind of regrets not keeping his lover Sifo-Dyas around as his own personal fortune cookie machine / Magic 8 ball. Not cause he misses him or anything. Not at all. He just thinks the tactical advantage would be wonderful! (This is slightly ignorant of how unstable and harmful Sifo’s visions were) To have his Grandpadawan back in this impressionable, powerful state would also be wonderful!

He changes his mind after about 10 minutes with said grandpadawan.

He wants the adult one back please. The 7 year old is dissecting his soul and telling him how pointless his life decisions have been :-(

Shit really hits the fan when baby!Obi-Wan accidentally bumps into Sheev.

Obi wan returns to adult form in a galaxy that sort of resembles this

He can’t do much complaining though considering it was him that caused this.

[saphronethaleph]

Midlife Crisis

In the year Fifteen of the Galactic Empire, Sheev Palpatine contemplated a glass of wine.

Proper wine. Wine from Naboo.

In his opinion, which was legally speaking the only one that mattered, he deserved this.

As he began to drink, however, Vader spoke. His dark shadow, his creation, his enforcer.

“Master,” the Sith Apprentice said. “When are you going to teach me the power to heal?”

“...what?” Palpatine asked, then put the glass down again. “What are you talking about, Vader?”

“I thought it was extremely clear,” Vader replied. “When are you going to teach me the power to heal? I realize that your memory may not be what it was, but I distinctly remember that you told me that Darth Plagueis had the ability to cause the Midichlorians to create life, and that he could even use it to keep those he cared about from dying. So. When are you going to teach me that power?”

“Why do you even want that power?” Palpatine asked.

Vader’s mask looked at him.

“I currently find myself with a great deal of time on what would be my hands if I had any,” Vader stated. “Travelling between star systems, for example. I appreciate that you are busy and do not have the time to heal me, but I would have the time to heal me if you could teach me that ability. Which is why I am asking.”

Palpatine frowned.

“If you recall, I said that, ironically, Darth Plagueis could save others, but not himself.”

“I recall that, my Master,” Vader stated. “It was very ironic.”

“There, you see?” Palpatine asked. “If you learned that power, you could save others, but not yourself.”

“I don’t think that really works, Master,” Vader said, thoughtfully. “Because Plagueis was killed in his sleep. He wasn’t using the Force, for the obvious reason that he was dead. However, I actually am alive, and consequently I can use the Force to heal myself.”

He paused. “Well, I can’t, but I could. If I were to be taught, which is… what I’m asking about.”

“You don’t like your cyborg body parts?” Palpatine asked. “I thought you’d appreciate those, since they’re manufactured. Or did I remember incorrectly that you like tinkering?”

“I would be more able to tinker if I had better hands,” Vader stated. “Master, I am beginning to suspect you are avoiding the question. When are you going to teach me the power to heal?”

“You still haven’t given me a good answer,” Palpatine said, snidely.

“I have,” Vader pointed out. “My reason is that I want you to. We’re Sith. That’s a good enough reason.”

“You have a point,” the Emperor admitted, very reluctantly. “However, I think you will find that you already know all I can teach you.”

Vader looked at him.

“I do not,” the masked Sith said.

“You do,” Palpatine countered. “The Dark Side is more about maintaining your life in a decaying husk of a body, clinging to life regardless of the cost to others or the degradation of your own physical condition, than it is about… healing.”

“Are you saying that healing would be a Light Side power?” Vader asked, and there was a dangerous undercurrent in his voice.

“No, no,” Palpatine replied, hastily. “It’s not a Light Side power either. The Light Side is about accepting the natural balance of things, like idiots, and the Dark Side is about violating the natural order of things. Using the Force to heal is unnatural.”

At that, Vader made a confused noise.

“So is healing a Light Side power or a Dark Side power, Master?” he asked.

“It isn’t either,” Palpatine replied, with a shrug. “The closest I know of is Plagueis’s ability to cling to life in a body that should be dead, which you’re already doing.”

“I see,” Vader said, thoughtfully, then turned and walked away.

“I hope you’re not disappointed, Vader,” Palpatine said, leaning back in his seat and picking up the glass of wine again. “You must realize, I never lied to you.”

“You also don’t know everything,” Vader replied. “I am taking a sabbatical.”

“A what?” Palpatine said, scowling at his wine glass because apparently he wasn’t going to get to drink it just yet. “What is one of those?”

“It’s when you leave work for a period of time,” Vader explained. “I am not expecting to be paid during that period.”

“Why are you leaving at all?” Palpatine asked, in some confusion and trying to work out what Vader was getting at.

Vader shrugged slightly.

“There’s got to be lots of Force users out there, and you’re only one Force user,” he said. “I am going to look for someone who knows how to heal. Then I will return.”

Palpatine swallowed down the order that sprang to his lips, because he was uncomfortably aware of the verbal minefield that talking with Vader could be. Especially when he’d nearly set the man off less than two minutes ago.

Really, he didn’t have much choice but to trust in Vader’s loyalty. A Vader who was angry at him would be far too dangerous.

In the year Eighteen of the Galactic Empire, Sheev Palpatine was significantly more aware of just how useful Vader’s brooding, deadly presence had been in holding the Empire together.

He hadn’t been able to just refer people to his enforcer (Vader) or his supreme commander (Vader) or his complaints department (also Vader). He’d had to do actual work, and he didn’t like it.

Becoming the ruler of the galaxy had not been something he’d done in order to do work. He even had to actually listen to Tarkin, who was a tedious little lickspittle whose only redeeming quality was his enthusiasm for the idea of blowing up planets.

Then, during a rare period of respite, he felt a familiar presence in the Force. It approached his private chamber, advancing steadily, and Palpatine actually felt something like pleasure at the idea Vader would soon be back.

Admittedly, mostly because he could offload work onto Vader again.

Then the door opened, and Palpatine smiled.

“My boy, you-” he began, then stopped.

He’d been expecting Vader still wearing his suit.

He’d been ready for Vader to be a man of about forty, fit and healthy once more after discovering some Force secret.

He had not been ready for a wolf. Especially not one ten feet tall at the shoulder, with black and red fur and scaled paws.

“...explain…?” he said, in what was supposed to be a command but which turned into more of a plea.

“I sought out many ancient Force spirits and wielders of lost and arcane arts,” Vader said, in a voice even deeper than he’d had before – which actually turned out to be possible. “Eventually, I found a way to gain a new body, unwounded and healthy, but the one who taught me only knew how to do wolf.”

He tilted his head a little. “Incidentally. I also visited my only remaining family, who are moisture farmers. I have a nephew; he likes me. I wish to tender my resignation, because I am going to kill you now and it seems only fair to give you warning.”

Palpatine sighed, because, really, this was in keeping with how the year was going.

[cookybananas]

Do I Know You? - Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker x Reader {Part. I}

a/n: an alternate universe/timeline!au fic! this is the first part, the second part is in the works!

summary: Where Darth Vader is sent on a mission and finds himself traveling through another timeline and meets another version of you where you aren't dead. part II: Do I Know You? II

"I am going to have a few words with you once I get back Sheev..." Vader thought to himself. His large frame was trapped in a tiny capsule that was rapidly moving downwards onto the surface of Tatooine.

His master had sent him to retrieve the Death Star plans on a rebel ship when all of sudden, the rebels managed to crowd him into this tiny capsule and drop him out of the ship. 

There was a faint beeping heard below him. He looked down at his hand and noticed a device strapped on the back of his hand. Those damn rebels. Vader toyed with the device, hoping to shut off the beeping, but the beeping increased and flashed the words on the device:

Coruscant, 20 BBY 

"Huh?" He thought to himself once again, what could this possibly mean? The light above him began flashing red. Out of the small window of the capsule, the dark space soon turned into a blue clouded sky. The Sith Lord let out a sign of frustration, how the hell did I get into this position?

The capsule came to an abrupt stop when it had landed on the ground, sending the Sith Lord face forward into the door. Vader groaned to himself. The door slid open, revealing a dark alleyway, similar to the alleyways in the Underworld in Coruscant.

Vader walked out of the capsule, turning around to admire the machine that the rebels had managed to squeeze him in. Interesting... The Sith Lord thought to himself before making his way towards the dimly lit streets of Coruscant.

The people off the streets eyed the tall, towering figure as Vader strolled along the sidewalks of the Underworld.

"Do you want to buy some deathsticks?" A Rodian man said as he approached the tall dark figure with death sticks in his hands. To which Vader took a step back and eyed the man.

"No..." He let out, debating on whether to take the deathsticks or not. This day was already terrible as is with how everything had gone.

"Are you sure? You'll have a great time-" Vader raise his hand, force choking the reptilian humanoid.

"I would rather not you pest. Now, you will go home and rethink your life."

"I-I will to go home and rethink my life." The man nodded up and down. Vader released his grasp, allowing the Rodian to scramble away from him.

There was whispering and murmurs from other onlookers, witnessing what the Sith Lord just did.

"Did he just use the force?"

"You saw that right?

"Do you think he's one of those Jedi?"

The Sith Lord looked around the people who backed away from him. Pathetic, he thought. He needed to find Palpatine and tell him that mission was a failure, the rebels had gotten away, and he was unable to get the plans. Meaning, that there will be a severe punishment waiting for him once he returns to his Master.

Vader walked into the nearest club and approached the Twi'lek bartender, hoping to find a speeder or station to get him out of here.

"Where is there nearest station? I need to get to the Emperor. 5127th level." Vader said to Twi'lek man who had just gotten done serving a drink to a customer.

"Emperor? Where on Hoth did you come from? Do you mean the Chancellor?" The man questioned, throwing his towel over his shoulder.

Vader sat in brief silence, thinking to himself, Chancellor? He could have sworn Sheev didn't go by that name anymore.

"Y-Yes, the Chancellor...Do you know where I can find him." Vader finally let out, after moments of awkward silence.

"Well, you won't have much of chance finding her. She's either too busy in her office or helping the people clear the debris that was left from the Clone Wars ever since the previous Chancellor was killed."

"She...? How strange." Vader said to himself. "And remind me, what is the name of the Chancellor is again?"

"Kriff dude, did your head get smack with a bunch of Ewoks throwin' rocks at it?" The man questioned, now cleaning cups with his towel.

Vader sat in silence again, staring down at the man. Debating on whether he should have killed his man sooner, or wait until he got a response. Luckily, he chose the latter.

"Chancellor Y/N L/N is her name. She was the former Senator of Naboo before she was elected right after Chancellor Palpatine's death. There's rumors that she had a fling with a Jedi Knight, by the name of Anakin Skywalker-"

"Tell me. Where is she." Vader said, his tone revealing his impatience.

"Woah woah, don't you want me to finish telling-"

"Where is the nearest station. I will find her myself." He stated.

"O-okay fine. The nearest station is quite a distance. But we do have this old speeder at the back of-"

Before the bartender could finish, Vader had already made his way out of the club and around to the back to the speeder. Chancellor Y/N? It couldn't be possible. You were dead, but he needed to see it for himself.

-

"Your Majesty, do you think-"

"Who cares, she has already told you how she felt-" 

"Oh I wasn't talking to you-"

The doors of my office slide open, revealing Obi-Wan with a tray that had two cups on it. I smiled at him, to which he returned. But that smile soon turned into concern as he looked over at my two handmaidens who were having a little dispute.

"Are they still fighting about it?" Obi-Wan said, approaching me and handing me a cup of warm tea.

"Yes, yes they are." I responded, sipping and savoring the earthy taste of the tea.

"Chancellor! Chancellor!" A voice from outside my office called. I looked up at Obi-Wan who looked down at me. The doors to my office slid open, revealing Cal?

"Cal? What's the matter?" I said, now standing up from my chair and making my way towards him.

"T-There's. there's someone looking for you. We don't know who o-or what their name is." He breathed out, trying to catch his breath. "I'm just gonna take a seat here." before plopping himself on the loveseat.

"Astra, could you grab Cal a glass of water please?" Both my handmaidens stopped their bickering and turned to look at me.

"Y-yes of course your Majesty." Astra bowed, both handmaidens leaving the three of us in my office. I turned back to Cal with concern.

"Cal, take a moment to catch your breath. Now, what is this you heard of someone needing me?" I asked him, taking a seat next to him on the loveseat, my hand resting on his shoulder.

"Of course Chancellor. There are talks in the Underworld, that there is this dark figure, who I think is a force-user, is looking for you... I don't know if he's from another planet or something, but there's something off about that thing." Cal spoke, still breathless from running to get to my office.

"Thing?" I furrowed my eyebrows at his words. I looked up at Obi-Wan who was standing next to Cal, caressing his beard in thought.

"Well, it could be a droid of some sort. The thing sounds mechanical." Cal continued, gnawing at his lips nervously.

"Interesting Cal, do we perhaps have another other information of the individual?" Obi-Wan inquired.

"N-No Master, but I felt this dark energy from him. Almost as if it was evil, pure evil." Cal responded. He pulled out his holoprojector, showing footage of a tall dark mysterious figure force choking an innocent bystander.

Obi-Wan and I looked at each other before looking back at the hologram.

"He doesn't look like he would be friendly. Perhaps we may need to take action and find what this individual wants to do with you." Obi-Wan said, still stroking his beard. I thought to myself. How strange, what could I have possibly done that I was involved with this individual?

"We may need to tighten up security among the people and the rest of the sovereign powers. I don't want to draw too much attention to this. I already have much going on. Perhaps I'll bring this up to the Jedi council tomorrow morning and see what they think." I said sighing to myself, as I walked over to the large window that overlooked beautiful skies of Coruscant.

Obi-Wan nodded in agreement, Cal sat there looking between us.

-

The skies of Coruscant were pitch black, but littered with stars in the sky. The Sith Lord arrived at the small landing pad with his airspeeder, just outside of a familiar penthouse. The penthouses and apartments in Coruscant were always open air. Since they were high up in the skies, the only way to get in was with an airspeeder or the elevators to the buildings. So it was fairly easy for Vader to walk into your penthouse without needing to break a sweat.

The Sith Lord made his way into the penthouse. The lights of every room were turned off, except for one. Light faintly emitted from a set of closed doors, assuming that was your room, Vader made a beeline towards your bedroom doors.

Even with his ultraviolet and infrared vision, it was still limited to where Vader missed the Jedi that was hidden behind one of the large pillars of the penthouse.

"You're not welcomed here. You are trespassing a politician's home and I advise you to leave this instant." A familiar voice spoke up.

"I will not leave until I see her, the Chancellor." The Sith Lord turned around, but did not see anyone behind him. Vader turned back around only to be met with Obi-Wan with his hand on the hilt of lightsaber.

"M-Master..." Vader let out, only for Obi-Wan to quirk an eyebrow at him.

"Do we know each other?" Obi-Wan responded, his hand still resting upon his saber.

"Master, it's me... Anakin Skywalker." Vader spoke out to his former Master.

"Foolish nonsense, Anakin Skywalker is dead." Obi-Wan stated.

Both the Sith Lord and Master Jedi eyed each other, waiting on who would make the first move. After moments of deafening silence, Vader took off his helmet. Revealing his burnt, scarred face, and yellow Sith eyes. Obi-Wan watch him in disbelief, taking a step back from the Sith. 

"Obi? Obi-Wan are you there? Who are you talking to in there?" Your voice was muffled on the other side of your door. Anakin's desperate eyes darted over to Obi-Wan and to your door, hoping he'll say something.

"Y-yes Y/N! No worries, it was just a false alarm! It was just a hawk-bat!" Obi-Wan shouted.

"If you say so Obi. I'm heading to bed now!" You shouted in response. The light emitting from your bedroom doors shut off, leaving the entirety of the penthouse dark and only for the Coruscant moonlight to shine through the large windows.

Obi-Wan shook his head and sighed to himself. "You have some nerve for showing up here. And to say that you are Anakin Skywalker? Ludicrous." He spat at Vader.

-

part II: Do I Know You? II

[wileycap]

PALPATINE: My dear boy. The only thing that we are discussing right now is what you want.

ANAKIN: Hm. Okay, world peace for Padmé, a Best Jedi mug for Obi-Wan - no, that's not me being bitchy, he literally will not accept a bigger gift...

PALPATINE: Yes, you shall have it all. Just -

ANAKIN: Oh, I'm not done. A billion... no, you know what, a trillion credits for Ahsoka, rights for the clones plus backpay and overtime for the war, full rights to their own genetic code, a special vode-only tribune that will investigate Kaminoans and natborn officers for sentient rights violations...

PALPATINE:

ANAKIN: ... slavery is to be abolished across the galaxy, I and any vode who want to join me will be sanctioned by the Republic to hunt down slavers, starting with Tatooine, hair cream for Windu - okay, that one is me being bitchy - and, well, I guess I'd want a fleet of the absolute best ships for me. As a treat.

PALPATINE: I see. Are you done?

ANAKIN: I guess. How soon can you deliver?

PALPATINE: Well. As it stands... it might... take some time.

ANAKIN: That's cool. You can get all the legal stuff done tomorrow, just call in a special session of the Senate, but I get that commissioning a fleet will take some time. I didn't even give you a list of models or anything.

PALPATINE: ... yes. I can't help but to think that you're disregarding your wife's safety here.

ANAKIN: Oh, no. I'm being smart.

PALPATINE: You are?

ANAKIN: Yup. Padmé is a completely healthy woman. Her pregnancy is very low risk. So, if she's going to die in childbirth, it's got to have something to do with the war, right? If we end the war, there's no danger to Padmé.

PALPATINE: Have you forgotten what I told you about Darth Plagueis the Wise?

ANAKIN: No, but if I use Sith Magic to save her, she's probably going to turn into a zombie or something. Trust me, Chancellor, I've seen it before.

PALPATINE: I'm afraid to ask, but where have you seen zombies?

ANAKIN: Eh, you can check my mission reports. Anyways, if you just hand me your credit chit, I can get to buying Obi-Wan that mug, giving Ahsoka the trillion and all that.

PALPATINE: Well, I...

ANAKIN: And if you don't want to go through with this, I'm definitely going to murder you right now. You being a Sith Lord and all that.

PALPATINE: Oh.

ANAKIN: Yeah.

PALPATINE: Well, here's my credit chit.

ANAKIN: Thanks, Sheev! Just one more question. What are you getting out of this?

PALPATINE: ... I'm going to declare myself Emperor and bring about the age of the Sith.

ANAKIN: Okay, that's cool.

PALPATINE: It... is?

ANAKIN: Sure. I mean, you basically are an emperor already, and we have freedom of religion. Just make sure that your Empire is strictly democratic, or else Padmé's going to be mad at me.

PALPATINE: I... what? The purpose of an Empire is to do away with democracy! Cut away the rot of bureaucracy!

ANAKIN: Chancellor, do you remember the conversation we had just now about me murdering you?

PALPATINE: Yes, but you hate the Republic too!

ANAKIN: I know, but work stuff can't come between me and Padmé. One of the rules of a successful marriage. Anyways, get it done. I gotta go buy a mug and some hair cream.

-------------------------------

BREAKING NEWS!

PEACE! Supreme Chancellor / Emperor-Elect Sheev Palpatine has announced the immediate cessation of hostilities between the Republic and the CIS along with a slew of other groundbreaking proposals. The Supreme Chancellor stated that with the death of General Grievous...

The Coruscant Herald spoke with Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, also known as the Negotiator.

"I've got this mug." said Master Kenobi, before launching into a protracted rant about the state of our democracy.

"I got back from Utapau, and Anakin tells me that he 'kind of' turned to the Dark Side. How do you 'kind of' turn? But now we have galactic peace. But we also have an Emperor. Well, in three days we will have an Emperor. But the Emperor is going to have less power than the Supreme Chancellor has right now, and they're the same person. Not to mention that he's the Sith. My entire life has turned into a philosophical nightmare on whether the ends justify the means, and it's all being personified by this blasted mug." ...

Senator Padmé Amidala of Naboo had a brief conversation with the Herald.

"Well, I think of it like a retirement present. A lifetime achievement award. He is an older man, and no doubt he'll abdicate in due time. This will be an interesting footnote in the history of the Republic." ...

Spokesbeing for the Shmi Skywalker Foundation, Anakin Skywalker spoke at length with our reporter.

"Well, we at the Shmi Skywalker Foundation offer only two things: freedom to slaves and death to slavers. And sometimes imprisonment to slavers, because Obi-Wan and Padmé were pretty adamant about that. And also financial aid, legal aid, housing, therapy, et cetera. For the freed people. So I guess we offer more than two things, but they're all good things."

"Sheev? Sheev is great. A nice old man. I think he's going to abdicate in, oh, three years or so? [Editor's Note: Transcript is garbled due to the Emperor-Elect coughing suddenly.] [...Yo]u need a glass of water, Sheev? Get him - yeah, one of you red guys, get him a glass of water. You're not a young man anymore, Sheev. Yeah, I think he'll abdicate within three years."

Emperor-Elect Sheev Palpatine declined to comment at this time.

[phoenixyfriend]

Remember my post about Anakin pulling a Mike Murdock? Yeah, no, I have a full on AU concept now (with contributions by @threebea! indented)!

He lies so hard about having a brother that the universe invents a twin from scratch for him. It happens when Anakin is like twelve.

Anakin was just committing to the bit on a mission because he was bored.

The Force was also bored.

Oh no Anakin force manifests a sibling Obi-Wan: …That's not how the Force works. Anakin: You tell the Force that. Obi-Wan: Well, I suppose this would be your half-brother since the Force is your shared parent. Obi-Wan after the initial shock: This might as well happen.

New brother is better at some things and worse at others, as any person is. Anakin is, naturally, a fucking mess about all that, worries he'll be replaced, etc.

Obi-Wan just brings this to the Council and nobody can DENY this Skywalker from the Jedi after they already took the first one. So. Mace volunteers.

This Skywalker is a bit more Force than Anakin, got glowing eyes and visions and the Animal Communion buff. But is worse at flying, worse at tech, and unfathomably worse at people. Which is a FEAT, since Anakin's not too hot at social skills in the first place.

Mace has his hands full in many ways, including "keep this child from walking face first into the wall."

Obi-Wan: We are not calling him Anagain.

Anakin had many mixed feelings but! If he's going to have family then he's going to commit!

The other option is that the brother is younger by enough that the Older Brother instincts kick in, but I think the one-sided twin rivalry is funnier.

Anakin: I'm a big brother now. Anagain: I think we're supposed to be twins. Anakin: I have more worldly experience. Anagain: I'm taller. Anakin: wut Anagain: alpha twin alpha twin (that's his nickname until you come up with actual name lol) Obi-Wan: Well, I'm taller than both of you, and while that is the case you both need to listen to me. Anagain: (flash of foresight) So, not for long Obi-Wan: What? Anagain: Nothing. Mace: (the Shatterpoints are blinding) Yeah, I'll be taking this one. More seriously tho, Anakin definitely torn between what if everyone likes him better he's born from the force what if he's the chosen one what if and also: I have a brother I have family I need to take care of him. Probably some fun twin force bond too. Oh man Sheev after digesting all of that would definitely try to get some jealousy going.

Anakin talks about the new brother with terms like Freshly Hatched and Innocent Baby and it's mostly a joke except that now HE thinks Palps is a creep when it's aimed at Not Him.

Palpatine: When do I get to meet him? Anakin: [absolutely not] Mace won't let him [Yeah that'll work] Mace: Yeah, absolutely not, he didn't help save Naboo there's no reason for my Padawan to have a relationship with the Supreme Chancellor

I've decided to call the brother Aion (EY-yon). I like the whole thing about Anakin's name being based on Ananke, even if it's a disputed thing, so I go for Greek myth when doing alt names for siblings.

Mace still bitter about having to let Palps get time with Anakin not about to do the same if he can help it. Although that comic takes place later eh (handwaves) still The Jedi might try to be hush hush about where aion came from anyway since he would fall directly under Jedi business

Help I'm imagining Mace and Obi-Wan on a walk and the twins are on child leashes. Anakin because ADHD will have him trying to run off to look at something. And Aion because he's going to be so distracted by visions that he will walk into traffic.

"Can we send a letter to mom so she knows he exists?" The other thought was ANAKIN holding the child leash for Aion, and then Obi-Wan or Mace holding the one for Anakin. Lil chain.

Aion: Hey… I know I've only existed for a few months, and yes my memories of before are sort of built by the Force, but I'm pretty sure the Supreme Chancellor is evil. Mace: You saw that in a vision? Aion: No, he's just super creepy. Bad vibes.

Obi-Wan: Of course he's evil, he's a career politician. Anakin: What about your friend from Alderaan? Obi-Wan: That's different.

One of these boys is constantly zoning out. The other is smiling, but the smile contains murder.

They're both adhd but with wildly different sides of it.

EXACTLY

Also.

Aion: [silent, a bit upset but mostly chill] Anakin, holding his hand: He asked for no pickles!

[captainkirkk]

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

All the fics I’ve read and really enjoyed in the past week-ish. Reminder: This list features any and all ratings and themes. Please look at tags and warnings on ao3 before reading.

The Umbrella Academy

The Longest Roads Lead to Home by assaily (twistedskys)

Five raised his glass to the rafters. “I’m home,” he said simply. “I’d like to take the time to enjoy that, y’know.”

Diego watched him pour another drink, suddenly understanding him. He’d been gone a long time, lost in a really terrible place that probably never felt like home unless he could somehow forget he was the last soul on Earth. ‘Home’ meant a lot to him.

When Five’s glass was ready again, Diego raised his own, still half-full. “To being home,” he said.

That earned him a smile, a real one that managed to soothe the crease in Five’s brow and make him look so incredibly young in its sincerity, and so incredibly old in its deep gratitude. He raised his glass and clinked it against Diego’s. “To finally being home.”

Or: Five gets kidnapped and it goes wrong (for the kidnapper).

SVSSS

two golden lilies float in silence in cool pond waters by texturralize

After watching one's own life bleed away into something entirely unrecognizable- a denigration, an affront, a massacre of everything one believed in- and yet, something happy, something contented, something so easily attained, a soul grows wearied. Cracked, wearied, hurt. A broken man could only live a broken life, something Shen Jiu had seen proven to him. His martial siblings preferred the other "him" - the kind one, the palatable one. The one that was not Shen Jiu.

In death, he can only wrestle with the intersection of his own wrongs and the sins committed towards him that left him such a spiteful and angered person in life. Can being reborn, into the days when he had only just attained his status as Peak Lord, give him another chance to live a life that is happy, contented, easily attained? Can he do what the other Shen Qingqiu had managed to do? Can he make the miserable wretch he considers himself to be into a better person?

Shen Jiu does not think so. He will make a mockery of the spark of something deep inside him that hopes so to try. Perhaps...at least...this time, he can watch over his disciples and live quietly with the music in Qing Jing Peak.

The Favourite by x_los

Demonic Emperor Luo Binghe's reputation precedes him. It's just not very accurate.

The Owl House

unexpected turns by kathkin

If I go back there, he’ll kill me. it had been nagging at him all day, the certainty in the kid’s voice. But if it wasn’t the Day of Unity, then what? What could he have seen in the emperor’s mind that was worse?

What could Belos possibly have been hiding that had the power to so utterly break the loyalty of his perfect little lapdog.

Clone Wars

The inability to accept No by BitterChocolateStars

One man's inability to accept No as an answer saves the galaxy.

Or: Obi-wan turns down Palpatine's date invite. Sheev gets obsessed and salty about it.

The Goblin Emperor

Snowdrops and Bridges by Orockthro

"Serenity,” Csevet says, and his voice is flat and stoney. Maia’s hands feel clammy in his lap. “There’s been an accident at the Istandaärtha Bridge.”

Or: One accident, one flower, one kiss. Not in that order."

[comebackali]

i could not have however, predicted the obi wan touch count:

anakin: 23

padme: 10

grevious: 9

jango: 6

maul: 4

boga: 4

qui gon: 3

sheev: 3

and a handful of others for a total touch count of 73 (the phantom menace: 12, attack of the clones: 16, and revenge of the sith: 45)

obi wan kiss count 💋: 2 (from padme)

padme's is:

anakin: 33

obi wan: 10

jar jar: 3

shmi: 3

and then a handful of others once or twice (handmaidens, family, etc.) for a total touch count of 59 (the phantom menace: 17, attack of the clones: 30, and revenge of the sith: 22)

padme's kiss count 💋: 11 (9 for anakin & 2 for obi wan)

so overall, for the anakin touch count for the prequels it goes:

padme: 33

obi wan: 23

qui gon: 17

shmi: 11

sheev: 7

a handful of other people (jar jar, kitser, r2d2, c3po, etc.) touch him once or twice for a total touch count of 108 (the phantom menace: 44, attack of the clones: 27, and revenge of the sith: 37)

anakin prequels kiss count 💋: 13 (9 padme's & 4 shmi's)

[galactic-rhea]

in regards to your padme post, what if padme WAS put into the space monk order and groomed by the literal devil alongside anakin? How do you think she would've turned out?

#you can't put tags in asks #but I'm doing it anyways #padme and anakin are some of my favorite star wars characters

The galaxy is fucked. That's it, thanks for your ask. /hj

The thing is that Palpatine is so...insidious (lol) that I fully believe he could groom anyone to be a Darth Vader if he has the opportunity.

Look at Luke, with Luke it didn't work because he didn't have years of manipulation and Luke did have more stable relationships and less all-consumming insecurities compared to Anakin, and a much less dogmatic understanding of bieng A Good Jedi (tm),,,AND LUKE STILL ALMOST FALLS.

Even if you want to take the sequels as canon...He also didn't have the time to groom Rey for years, and still almost succeds.

Padmé saw Palpatine as a sort of political mentor but could realize she was being played, but Palpatine didn't warp her into world-changing views.

But regarding your question, I think it would depend a lot and there's a lot of factors playing, like: Do she and Anakin bond? Why did Palpatine pick her? Or is this a reverse situation? Was she also brough as an older kid or was taken as a baby?

If we simplify it to "She was the one super strong in the force so Palpatine picked her for apprentice", yeah, I think we would have had Darth Amidala, perhaps less ruthless and murderous than Vader, more subtle and way more cold, but...idk, look at the other people Sidious got his hand into (Maul, Dooku).

If Padmé and Anakin had bonded, and Sheev had wanted Padmé as his apprentice, then I bet he would've find some way to get rip off of Anakin and anyone close to her, isolating and cutting away any ties to love or comforts is first and foremost.

Even if Anakin had been another apprentice to Sheev, then Palpatine was in for just some fun games and see how to get one of his apprentices kill, betray or in some way get out of the picture so only the best one remains.

Sheev is an incredible villain because he's always playing 4D Chess and he adapts his plan on the go.

When it comes to AUs like this, I think we're talking about the very human and sad nature that is being vulnerable to manipulation, no matter how smart.

Sometimes we want to think "oh if it hadn't been Anakin, if it had been -insert goodie good character-, things would've changed", but the fact is that no one is infalible. Groomers change their game and attack the weakness they see and adapt to their victim needs, and Palpatine is terrifying in that regard. And is a supporting system what helps people to get out.

Padmé is brave, smart and competent, but guess what, so was Anakin. And I think Palpatine would have exploited her weakness if he had chosen her as a victim instead of Anakin. But so would have anyone else. If Palpatine had chosen Obi-Wan, or Ahsoka, or Quilan, or Ayla, whatever, then we would have ended with a sith apprentice anyways; with their own particular personality and quirks, of course, and less unhinged perhaps because one of the biggest things in Anakin/Vader's views is that he was a slave and he sees the world in a very particular way, but yeaaaah.

If I must think of how could an evil Padmé would be...I think she would be very methodical and unlike Vader, she wouldn't be submissive to her "master" at all, she would plot against Sheev and harbour lots of hate and very little loyalty to him. She has the mindset of a queen, not a slave. In a way, that would make her more dangerous.

And I think she would ha v e some sort of…possesive views? Like, idk how to explain, kinda like how a queen sees a bestiary? Awesome, scary and cool beast to keep in a nice sanctuary, but they belong to her. I get this idea because of that bit from one of the novels, where she thinks that Anakin is like a vine tiger, dangerous and capable of murdering anyone else "but that runs to put his cheek against her and pur.r"

But like Anakin, then anyone can turn back as well and get away from the manipulation, and a sith Padmé could as well!

aLSO, before anyone says something because I'm starting to know how this fandom works... no, I'm not absolving Anakin of guilt, because victims can become abusers and should be held accountable. However, I am praising how terrifying Palpatine actually is when you think about it, literally any other character could've become what Anakin became had Sheev (or any other groomer, tbh) decided to play the cards that way.

Sorry for the long rambling I thing i sidetracked a lot, I hope at least it's a good answer nkljgndfjkgdfg

[weepingstars07]

Death Watch Jango and Sith Concubine Obi Wan Au

Also known as another au i can’t be bothered writing but would love to read

So instead of Jango being found by Jaster, Death Watch manage to catch up to him while the True Mandalorians go in guns blazing and rescue Arla.

Jango and Arla are kind of role swapped with Jango as Tor’s adoptive son, favourite assassin and all round punching bag.

Arla on the other hand is adopted by Jaster and believes her little brother burnt to death in the fields of their own family farm. This and the murder of her parents leads to serious anger issues that lead on to a level of violence that puts her slightly at odds with the true Mandalorians. This isn’t to say they hate each other though, she still considers Jaster her father and jaster consider her his daughter. Arla does eventually end up splitting ways with them going off to find her own way in the galaxy.

This world’s Obi wan never escaped Bandomeer and ended up sold further into slavery until Darth Plagueis finds and buys him for Sheev ( i dont think the timeline works out but oh well, wibbly wobbly timey wimey).

Plagueis predicts that Palpatine and Obi wan will be the Chosen one’s parents. (The force actually meant parental figures but sith have never been very good listeners). Obi Wan as a stewjoni is able to get pregnant but has only had miscarriages and still births much to Palpatine’s endless frustration. Eventually he decides Plagueis must have been mocking him and this is only reinforced when he finds a small slave boy named Anakin with the force presence of twin suns. He decides this boy must be the true chosen one and makes him his apprentice. He does not realise how close his concubine and Apprentice become other the years until it’s too late. Anakin does still consider Palpatine a fatherly figure to him but in an an even more twisted way than canon while Obi wan is still his BrotherDad figure.

Obi Wan and Jango meet when they’re both about 18 or 19, after Tor teams up with Palpatine (or more accurately gets himself manipulated into becoming Palpatine’s puppet). Obi wan is used by Palpatine to keep any eye on his Mandalore project which is quite frustrating to him as it means being seperated from anakin.

The boys end up forming a strange sort of bond when realising how badly treated the other his. Its not until Jango is handed the prototype for a clone army made in his image under sith/mandalorian control that he decides enough is enough. In the dead of night he steals the prototype, who he names Boba, from the Kaminoan labs and knocks Obi Wan out and steals him too.

Jango decides that he’s going to stop the cloning project before he has an army of enslaved ade on his hands, maybe kill Tor and then run off into the sunset with Obi Wan and their new child.

Obi Wan’s reaction is along the lines of ‘wtf, your going to get us both killed’ but as the concept of freedom comes closer and closer he agrees on the condition they figure out how to steal Anakin too, difficult because Obi Wan doesn’t actually know what facility they are usually held in.

With a plan now prepared the two set out to conquer evil and live out their happy ever after on some tropical paradise far away from the mandalorians or Sith.

However they what they don’t realise is that be some will of the force the first planet they land on they accidentally bump into a Jedi shadow. Maybe its Tholme or Feemor or someone completely unknown but they are pretty quick to notice Obi Wan looks a lot like the Initiate that disappeared a few year ago become of Yoda’s (however well intended) meddling. This sparks a Jedi manhunt to find this lost soul who they believe has been enslaved by a Mandalorian.

Jaster and the True Mandalorians are running around the galaxy trying to get more info on this army that Tor is apparently building. Arla is reunited with them and agrees to help out.

And …. Thats all I’ve got for now.

[dalekofchaos]

Context

Hux. Short version, Hux reveals Kylo killing Snoke to the FIrst Order leadership. Hux ousts Ben and becomes Supreme Leader. Now Hux plans to exterminate The Jedi, force sensitives everywhere and lead to the death of the force. Long version read here.

Kylo as the villain. Adam Driver said the plan was never to redeem Ben Solo, that was a late change to appease everyone. So my big pitch for Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. To me Kylo Ren is what Vader could’ve been had he reached his full potential. A Vader who was never wounded on Mustafar, a Vader who killed a close family member and his master. He is the villain they were looking for, but no they had to course correct.As for what his motivation could be, exactly what he said. Finish what Vader started. Destroy the Light and reign over the galaxy as Supreme Leader. Long version. Other look at Kylo as the villain

Snoke's essence transferred into Kylo Ren the moment he killed Snoke.

Darth Plagueis was a powerful Sith Lord who could influence the midichlorians to create life and also save others from dying. He taught everything he knew to his apprentice, Sheev Palpatine (aka Darth Sidious), but he eventually lost his power and young Palpatine killed him in his sleep. How could Plagueis not foresee his own demise at the hands of his ambitious apprentice? Why did Plagueis suddenly “lose his power”? The truth is, he didn’t lose his power and he knew Sidious planned to kill him. It was part of the plan. By dying, I believe Darth Plagueis was able to transmit himself into Sheev and assume control of his body, almost like an infectious disease. Ever notice his name? Darth Plagueis. Plague, as in an infectious disease. Darth Plagueis unlocked the secret to immortality by moving from one body to the next, continuing his lifespan through multiple hosts over countless years. Ever wonder why Palpatine was so obsessed with training a powerful young apprentice? Surely he knew that one day the apprentice would want to overthrow him, so why train his own murderer? In Return of the Jedi, Emperor Palpatine continually provokes Luke to strike him down. Why would Palpatine want to be killed if the goal is longevity? Because Emperor Palpatine was assumed by Darth Plagueis and, through his death, he would then be able to transmit himself into a new host body. He wasn’t just looking for an apprentice, he was looking for a new body since Palpatine’s body was growing old. Luke Skywalker was meant to be the next host body for Darth Plagueis. But unfortunately for Plagueis, Darth Vader had a change of heart and defeated the Emperor. Snoke was Plagueis. It’s the only way to make things work. StarWars.com describes Snoke as a seeker of arcane and ancient lore, and the Last Jedi Visual Dictionary shows that he is a collector of rare memorabilia. At some point, Snoke must have found the wreckage of the Death Star on the forest moon Endor, and was infected by Darth Plagueis when he came upon the corpse of Palpatine. Did you ever wonder why Snoke thought it was so important to complete Kylo Ren’s training? It’s because Snoke was Darth Plagueis and he was training his next host body. Plagueis didn’t have a choice but to infect a really old political influencer like Snoke. Kylo was being groomed to become the next host body. Remember the infamous scene in The Last Jedi where Snoke is “predicting” how Kylo Ren will kill Rey? Wasn’t it a little too obvious? Wouldn’t Snoke have been able to foresee Kylo’s treachery? See through his conflict? It’s because he wasn’t predicting Rey’s death, he predicted his own. He knew Kylo would kill him. He deliberately bullied and provoked Kylo in order to stir his anger into hatred to further fuel his dark side and lead him to completing his training.

So Darth Plagueis goal would be to transfer his essence into Rey and in failing in that. He will drain the life force from the Dyad to satiate his own life force.

Thrawn. Cardinal West's Sequel Trilogy rewrite has the best take of Thrawn as the villain

Rae Sloane.

Rae Sloane founded The First Order! Sloane was loyal to the Empire, so much so, rather than allowing it to cease to exist, she recruited other loyalists and they fled to the Unknown Territories beyond Jakku. She founded the First Order. Together with Hux, she could usurp control of the First Order and become Supreme Leader, which would start a civil war, those loyal to Sloane and those loyal to Kylo. We can have someone who could be a great antagonist to Leia. The founder of The First Order and the mother of the Resistance. What makes Rae a compelling character is the fact that she believes what the Empire is doing is right. In her eyes, the Empire is doing the right thing, purging lawlessness from a galaxy overrun by bureaucrats that care little for the common people. She’s wrong, but like great villains before her, audiences can see where she’s coming from even if they don’t agree with it. Throughout her many appearances in the supplemental Star Wars narratives, she is constantly pushing for the Empire to be “just.” When things start to fall apart after the Battle of Endor, Rae struggles to keep the remnants of the fleet playing by the unspoken rules of warfare and is frustrated to see the Empire careen into backstabbing and incompetence. You can see Rae’s influence in the First Order with its strict hierarchy and minute by-the-books stringency that makes Palpatine’s Empire look positively laissez-faire by comparison. Supreme Leader Rae Sloane would make The First Order a force to be reckoned with and what better way to end it than with the First Order’s founder?

The Grysks.

The Grysks were introduced in the new canon novel Thrawn:Alliances. They are what brings Thrawn to the Empire in hopes of co-existing to fight this threat in the Unknown Regions. Grysks are a species living somewhere in the Unknown Regions. Creatures half of myth, whom few have ever seen. It is said that they are nomads, with no fixed home, traveling in spacecraft so numerous they blot out the stars. They are said to be terrifying warriors, overwhelming their opponents by sheer numbers and ferocity. The fact that these intergalactic conquerors are not the main threat in the Sequel Trilogy is baffling. You could’ve had Ben Solo sense they were coming during his Jedi days and made the ultimate sacrifice to become Kylo Ren and join The First Order because he knew the New Republic was not ready to face such a threat. It wouldn’t make what he was doing the entire trilogy right, but it would make explain why he turned and what his motivations are.

I don't really have a explanation for Qi'Ra, but she was trained by Maul, took over the Crimson Dawn and you don't waste Emilia Clarke on one movie that never continued. So Qi'Ra as the villain could've worked.

A Mandalorian invasion lead by Fett writes itself.

I know it's technically Palpatine, but it works better because we don't stupidly retcon Anakin's sacrifice. This was planned, but the idiots that be decided it would be better if Ian played him. So instead this is the perfected clone. The Clone Wars were a test for Palpatine to perfect cloning. Throughout the reign as Emperor, he tinkered with cloning force sensitives, created a lot of failures(Snoke) but prior to Endor, he perfected it and kept it as a fail safe should he die. And after Kylo Ren killed Snoke, he awakened. Palpatine reborn. The movie opens at the end of the war. Finn successfully consurs up a Stormtrooper Rebellion and all the FO officers are executed, Hux is captured and Rey beats Kylo Ren for the umpteenth time. The First Order are on their last legs. Until a message is delivered to the galaxy.

“People of the galaxy. Your Emperor has returned after thirty long, lawless years. To the Sith and the Jedi; follow the Holocrons. We have much work to do. Those who remained loyal to me shall be rewarded. For those who relished in my demise, who celebrated what they thought the end of the Empire and believed their treachery had won them the galaxy…only death and suffering await. The great error shall be corrected. The day of victory is at hand. The restoration of the Empire! The Final Order! The Day of the Sith!”

And it's a race. Rey and the Resistance hoping to stop The Emperor, while Kylo Ren is hoping to kill Palpatine, obtain the power of the Sith Eternal and an infinite fleet that will win the galaxy, but in the end, Rey and Kylo are forced to work together. Matt Smith as Palpatine could've fixed the movie

The final contingency of the Emperor. Cloning Luke Skywalker. Palpatine had foreseen either Luke will kill him and Vader or Vader will betray him. So Palpatine orders that Luke's hand be brought to him. Luke is cloned, but imperfectly. He is just a husk of power, so Palpatine has the greatest minds of the Empire indoctrinate this malleable clone to being the heir and the eventual savior of the Empire. This clone. Let's refer to him as Luuke. Luuke learned everything there was from Palpatine. His Machiavellian cunning mechanisms. Mastery over the dark side and fully believed in his master's will and plans for him.

Luuke foresaw that there would be problems if he revealed himself. SO he created a puppet, Snoke. Through Snoke, he turned Kylo Ren to the dark side and puppeteered The First Order. Masterminding everything from the shadows and after Snoke and the real Luke Skywalker's deaths, it was time to reveal himself.

Luuke's motivations are to bring Kylo Ren to heel or cast him aside, turn Rey to the dark side or kill her and rule the galaxy as his master intended for him. This dark side Luke would unite both Rey and Ben against him and would give Mark Hamill the opportunity to play a dark side Luke Skywalker.

[spell-cleaver]

Portrait of an Empire

Angstober

Day 9: Promise

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” Luke said. At least, that was what Sheev assumed he said. The palace gardens were large, and he was watching from a window.

Mara Jade, one of the Force-sensitive children Sheev had plucked from the grips of the Inquisitorius and trained as one of his personal Hands, was sitting meditating in the garden. As Sheev had ordered her to, knowing that Luke would pass through that garden.

Luke was lonely. He went to a school—a prestigious school for the children of the Empire’s elite, at that—but guards trailed him everywhere. No children would play with him, and Sheev and Vader had been assured by a handful of terrified teachers that threats to their parents wouldn’t change that. This wasn’t a permanent solution, hopefully, but it wasn’t a bad one.

Perhaps Mara Jade, an adept in the dark side herself, would push Luke toward using it more, too.

But the two of them were just hitting puberty. They were deeply awkward—he could see it from here. He could also see from here that Luke was watching Mara strangely, with a curious light in his eyes.

Mara said something back. It was probably, “I don’t believe you.”

“I promise.” Those words he was sure of: Luke’s lips formed them, bold and smooth.

Still, Mara didn’t believe him. Of course she didn’t. Sheev had raised her well—promises were things to be broken, not kept. He hadn’t expected that to backfire. He had expected her to extend the same respect she showed him to his grandson.

“Alright.” Luke turned to walked away, the conversation over.

Except it wasn’t over. The two of them stayed sitting in the garden, just within sight of each other. And they kept shooting each other looks when they thought the other wasn’t looking.

[saphronethaleph]

“I never wanted you dead,” Sheev said, smiling in a grandfatherly sort of way, which he was terrible at. “I wanted you here… Empress Palpatine.”

He gestured. “You will take the throne. It is your birthright to rule here. It is in your blood. Our blood.”

“I haven’t come to lead the Sith,” Rey replied, then there was a loud doom doom doom sound of someone knocking on a door.

“Who is that?” Palpatine asked.

Then Luke Skywalker entered the room, limned with blue light.

So did his father, Anakin Skywalker, and Leia Organa Solo. And Yoda, hovering along on a spectral hoverchair, and Qui-Gon Jinn, and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and Count Dooku.

“...um,” Rey began. “Master…s?”

“Rey,” Luke replied, with a nod. “You were right, by the way.”

“What is this?” Palpatine asked, his voice hushed and touched with fear. “What are you doing?”

“You never heard the story of Master Qui-Gon the Insightful?” Anakin asked.

“I’m insightful?” Qui-Gon said, sounding pleased.

“You are certainly something,” Dooku said, as Yoda chuckled.

Palpatine looked like he might be about to have an aneurysm.

“It’s not a story the Sith would have told you,” Anakin went on, with a terrible glee in his tone. “You see, the Light Side is a path to many abilities some would consider to be… supernatural.”

“Got that out of your system?” Obi-Wan asked.

“For now,” Anakin shrugged.

“What-” Palpatine sputtered. “What are you – this isn’t possible! You are dead! It is the Sith who can defy death!”

“The evidence suggests otherwise,” Leia smiled, then cleared her throat. “Sheev Palpatine. We are formally accusing you of-”

“Um,” Rey said, a bit hesitantly. “Sorry to interrupt… I recognize most of you as Jedi, but what is Count Dooku doing here?”

“Probation,” Yoda stated. “Very nicely, he has asked.”

“We are formally,” Leia stressed, “accusing you of, among other assorted crimes, thirty-seven thousand, eight hundred and twenty-seven counts of murder by use of a blunt instrument – to whit, a Clone Army – counting only those who were members of the Jedi Order in good standing at the time of their respective deaths, though we acknowledge that the number murdered on your orders is beyond easy counting. You are accused of treason in times of war and peace alike, of enforced disappearances, of enslavement, of wilful torture, of assorted Crimes Against Sapience, and of Consorting With Ye Powers Of Darknesse, which to my surprise was still on the books of the Old Republic.”

“There are, as the Princess says, many other crimes,” Dooku added. “But we believe those should be enough to be getting on with. For a start.”

Palpatine stared, then laughed.

“You – you are trying me?” he asked. “In what court? By what authority? I am authority! I reject your powerless, toothless threats! I am above punishment!”

“I think we’ll consider that a plea of ‘guilty’, then,” Obi-Wan said. “Wouldn’t you say?”

“That sounds reasonable enough to me,” Qui-Gon agreed. “All right. Grandmaster, if you would do the honours?”

Yoda raised his gimmer stick, and a bolt of lightning hit Palpatine on the head.

The Sith half-stood half-fell out of his chair, trying to hide behind it, then scowled at his own reaction and shot lightning at one of the Force Ghosts.

It passed right through Leia without doing anything at all.

Rey raised her hand.

“Am I still needed here?” she asked.

“You know, I think we can handle this ourselves?” Count Dooku said, courteously, then turned to Palpatine. “Know this, Sidious. You destroyed the Jedi Order, and now the Order will destroy you. If you return, you will be destroyed again. And again. Forty thousand angry ghosts cry out for vengeance.”

Qui-Gon coughed.

“Terminology, Master,” he said.

“Forty thousand annoyed ghosts seek justice,” Count Dooku corrected, as more Force Ghosts began to enter the chamber – walking through the walls in ranks, their ghostly lightsabers held high. “Is that better?”

“It’ll do,” Obi-Wan decided. “We appreciate you making the effort.”

Palpatine did not appreciate him making the effort.

[twinterrors29]

Lovecraftian AU

Victorian businessman Sheev Palpatine wishes to retire peacefully to the countryside, and his former colleague Count Dooku is able to facilitate his purchase of a large estate, containing many individual farms, a small village, and a large manor house that had been converted from an old monastery

(whether Palpatine is 'retiring' or 'being chased out of Coruscant due to his dubious business practices by an angry mob' is a matter of debate among the local newspapers)

(and maybe, if he hadn't been so flustered by the angry mobs, he would have remembered that the Count was one of the many colleagues he'd screwed over in his pursuit of wealth and power, and one who was particularly known to hold a grudge)

to his dismay, the Kaminoan locals are not using the most modern Coruscanti farming practices, and in fact, many of them seem inclined to pursue other, less profitable vocations

(or perhaps it would be more accurate to say, his dismay was amplified; after all, the Count had not warned him that the villages were filled with foreigners, whose brown skin and dark hair and eyes were effectively indistinguishable to his (cough racist cough) noble sensibilities. why, they even spoke a language other than Basic amongst themselves!)

as he attempts to enforce order among his new tenants, graciously shepherding them into modernity and proper society (cough attempting to enforce assimilation and maximize his extraction of personal profits off their labor and natural resources cough), he starts to notice some...oddities

at first he dismisses the apparitions as the locals' superstitions getting into his head, but as some of the phantasms become more active, he begins to doubt himself

the expensive new farming equipment he bought, laid to waste by a rusty blight carried before his eyes by a masked, taloned specter

the industrial suppliers and purchasers refusing to do further business with him after dreams of speaking with a spectral gentleman who recounted many of Palpatine's crimes to them the night before they were due to sign contracts with him

the new glass in his windows shattering at the hands of a dark-skinned man in broad daylight

the seeds he had the locals plant mysteriously sprouting as the crops the locals had been planning to cultivate rather than his own planned cash crop after a flash flood from the local river, when he could have sworn that he saw the blue face of a woman just below the surface of the water

he starts setting traps for the phantasms, but none of them ever seem to catch anything

his sleep is increasingly disturbed by nightmares of being hunted through the plains by something (or someone) with sharp teeth, close at his heels

he stops sleeping

and, in his exhaustion, he forgets keep covering his tracks in his dirtier dealings, and the angry mobs from Coruscant find him raving wildly about the ungodly beings living in the shadows of his new community

they chalk it up to the guilt catching up with him, and leave the local farmers and artisans to take back up their former occupations in peace as they haul Palpatine away

[yoitsjay]

Congratulations

Fox x gn! Reader

Summary: yay your the new supreme chancellor and everything is happy

Warnings: fuck you Palpatine, die bitch

Word count: 706

“The newly elected supreme chancellor is Sh- Y/n L/n?” The verdict had been announced throughout the senate building and even your eyes had gone wide. The Vice chair was whispering to Palpatine who looked very furious, however the votes were set, and unmodified.

“It is a unanimous vote.” The vice chair stated, and you could hear cheers from all the senators in that room. Your guard moved your platform forward as Palpatine had stepped off the center platform, glaring at you.

You glared right back as you stepped onto the main platform, grabbing hold of the microphone. You cleared your throat before speaking. “Thank you all, for your love and support this election. I didn’t even know I was running.” You joked, looking around before you looked at the vice chair. “First order of business, I want a new vice chair so voting for that can begin today. Second order of business, I am passing a bill to increase clone funding. This war must end and these brave men will be the ones to end it.” You stated, and again more cheers filled the stadium you were in.

You smiled brightly, nodding to yourself. “Oh! I also have evidence to present.” You stated, and pushed the vice chair onto the floating platform with palpatine, whistling for the guard to come surround them both. “I have been given solid evidence that shows that Sheev Palpatine is a separatist leader and Sith Lord, enemy of our Jedi friends. He has orchestrated this war, and ruined many lives to gain power.” You explained, gasps filling the senate building.

The evidence was solid, and now people were shouting in fury towards palpatine as he was dragged off by senate guards. “Sheev Palpatine and all his co conspirators in the Senate will be sentenced to death immediately.” You decreed, stepping on your moving platform as it took you back to the exit of the room.

You let out a breath of relief as you stepped out, many senators shaking your hand, thanking you and congratulating you.

You were taken to your new office, the office of the supreme chancellor. You whistled lowly as you entered, thanking your nat-born guard before sending him off. You walked to the window, watching as the news of palpatine’s execution was spread through coruscant.

Just then you heard a knock on your door. You didn’t expect any guests but opened the door anyway, eyes widening to see none other than Commander Fox. Your boyfriend.

You smile as soon as he takes off his helmet, and you're pulling him into the room and into your arms, hugging him tightly. “He’s gone baby, he won’t ever touch you or your brothers ever again.” You whispered. Fox let out a sound, almost like a whimper as he pressed his face into the crook of your neck, holding you so tight like he was afraid if he let you go you’d disappear and he’d wake up in a nightmare.

You eventually pulled yourself away, cupping his face in your hands as you admired him, and the little gray streak in the hair that fell across his forehead. You sighed, pulling him into your embrace once more, pressing hisses to his jaw line.

You pulled away, leading him over to your new desk as you sat him down, allowing him to relax for a minute as you finally answered the com that had been buzzing in your pocket since Fox entered. You set it down on the desk facing you, and answered it. “Supreme Chancellor, congratulations.” Yoda spoke up with a smile, and you chuckled in response. “It is a relief knowing Palpatine can’t hurt another person.” You stated, glancing at Fox for a moment before clearing your throat.

“If possible I would like to have a meeting with the Jedi council to discuss our next steps. But from this moment forward, the Jedi order and the senate will work together as one, however your affairs stay your own after this war.” You stated. Yoda nodded in agreement before ending the transmission.

You sighed, looking at Fox with a grin. “Wanna celebrate?” You asked in a teasing tone, hearing him laugh at your words.

“I’d love nothing else sarad.”

➺

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@moomoog017

[phoenixyfriend]

Mandalore's Royal Concubine AU

HI

INSANE THOUGHT

YOU KNOW THAT POPULAR AU WHERE MANDALORE IS ITS OWN EMPIRE AND WHENEVER IT TAKES OVER A PLACE IT BRAINWASHES THE CAPTURED REBELS INTO BEING LOYAL CITIZENS (yes I know it's called the Integration AU)

I want one of those where you keep hearing about The Emperor but it's Plagueis, and you hear about Maul and Tyrannus and so on.

And then like ten chapters in you run into Jaster (40-ish) and the mistress he got after taking over Naboo, a 25yo Sheev Palpatine.

Dolled up and ostensibly brainwashed and known to have the Force but not any known ties to the Sith, he's just DAINTY and likes Naboo fashion and the readers are constantly hunting for The Truth. Is he a Sith that was successfully brainwashed? Biding his time? Looking to break away from Mandalore with Naboo but not a Sith? Working against the protagonist because he IS loyal to Jaster? Etc

A lot of the stuff you see people do to Obi-Wan, tbh.

Concubine Palpatine...

Also, if we go a bit down the line and instead have it with 50s-Jaster and early-40s bedwarmer Palpatine, we can have the protagonist that's meeting him for the first time be early teens Obi-Wan.

Palpatine has been in Jaster's bed for like. Twenty years by that point lol.

WAIT NO. NOT JUST A CONCUBINE. THE MAN'S A WAR PRIZE TWKYMSKTZKGZ

Palpatine, being Force-Sensitive and politically important, had led a resistance against Mandalore In His Youth, but failed. May be a Sith plot to infiltrate that went sour when the brainwashing actually worked? May have been a Sith plot that failed because nobody expected Sidious to LOSE and now they've washed their hands of him. May have just been a generally shitty Force-Sensitive but unaffiliated with the Sith because Naboo was on the other side of the galaxy from the Sith Empire? I don't know and neither do the readers.

Suggested by @threebea:

Either way he wants to do terrible things to Plagueis, either for his own revenge or on behalf of his husband

Subplot people trying to say Obi-Wan is their love child and could potentially steal the throne because Sheev is also a redhead (it's not true) but dealing with both assassins and they're trying to pull power way from Mereel

Obi-Wan: .... I'm not how is this even a rumour!?

It's because like satine and he for whatever reason used Palpatine as a cover somehow when they were teens and it has 'evidence' that there's a connection

Sheev "didn't want his child treated like he was and gave him up/smuggled him away" (sad sob story)

Obi-Wan: now both Mandalorians and Sith want to kill me for potential throne stealing, and I mean I'm a Jedi, they already wanted to kill me. but this feels more personal somehow

Sheev: ......... (Does not even like Obi-Wan and owed Duke Kryze a favour or Kryze was his ally before his death or w/e)

(Sheev brainwashed or not will absolutely use this tho)

I think there's also potential in 22yo Jango trying to "adopt" Obi-Wan (against the kid's wishes, of course) and explaining away the Palpatine situation with "stay away from him, he's always plotting."

"I thought you said he was successfully integrated."

"He was! But... you know those stories about evil stepmothers? And conniving concubines? He's... both. So just stay away."

Obi-Wan so maybe he's not integrated and he's an ally (no no he is not)

I also think it would be funny if the integration DID work and DID make Palpatine loyal to Jaster, but 80% of his non-sex actions result in "please stop helping me" because the methods are always way outside what even integration-happy Mandalore is comfortable with.

Fully corrupt, but for Jaster

Palpatine is having some palace intrigue and poisoning officials

Jaster: wait no

He's full on Dowager Empress vibes but he's not even married to the guy, nor is the guy dead.

All the political intrigue and skill of the prequels but. As a royal concubine.

Should definitely have beef with Jango for whatever reason

Jango: my childhood was a nightmare because of that man ><

But Palpatine covered himself way too well for it to be proven.

That's why he's 'adotping' Obi-Wan! Needs a force sensitive that he controls (that Palpatine doesn't have access to).

God, he DEFINITELY wanted to send Jango to boarding school. I don't think Jango ACTUALLY got sent away, but Palpatine probably managed a few Summer Sleep-Away Camps.

Palpatine: so you can be perfect for your father

Palpatine: (and get out of my hair ... Maybe have an accident that would be swell)

I want him to have pet Mandalorian peacocks. Drive home the absurdity.

I've decided this AU also has a primary plot about a Mysterious Stranger that keeps showing up to help Obi-Wan (actually help, not Jango's "help") and it's implied to be a member of the lineage, like Qui-Gon or Xanatos or something. Obi-Wan begs to be his padawan, before even knowing exactly who it is. And then, it is revealed to be! A time-traveller! Anakin, but as an adult! He hasn't even been born yet!

And then! The second twist behind the twist! Is that Anakin is not from the future but from a future, specifically! Canonverse RotS!

Ahsoka may or may not have been pulled along. And/or Rex.

Fuck it, maybe even Padmé with the twins?

Generally, all their important future knowledge, must notably that Palpatine is Sidious! Is useless.

Everything is just Too Different.

And in the middle of all that shit, Obi-Wan is introduced to the boogeyman of Anakin's nightmares, a Mandalorian concubine.