#but Im kinda relieved that I got this out of my system honestly

[mooneggtarts]

MY CG HUMAN DESIGNS YEAAA!!!

This might won't blow up as much but Im just happy how they turned out (and that I finally finished it qjfbeh). It might be a while before I could design the rest of the hollowheads + King. These were so complicated that I almost gave up halfway wndbdhf

[robinasnyder]

(I decided to add more)

Bruce eventually gets around to introducing everyone. And Danny's like, odd about it. He gets really excited when Bruce introduces himself, but then he gets more and more excited when Bruce introduces him to Jason, Stephanie and Cass.

Danny's all like "oh thank the ancients! I don't have to track you down. Here, I need all of you to sign these." And he pulls out three entirely identical sets of paperwork and a much bigger (and purple) pack for Bruce.

"Yeah, so, the last king was useless even before he was locked up. There's a process when people come back to life. Thankfully for me, most of the people who came back have since died, but I'm having to find everyone and make them fill this shit out."

Bruce realizes with a chill that all of the ones he handed paperwork to had died before. Except him.

"So, is that what Damian signed?" Tim asks. "Cause you know, he wasn't im the right mind to comprehend anything."

While Danny sheepishly produces Damian's papers for Tim to review, Bruce's mind is whirring.

"Danyal," he starts.

"Oh no! Nope, it's Danny, not Daniel and certainly not Dan. Just Danny."

"Danny. Why are my papers different."

"Cause they're from Clockwork, who's the master of time. You appearantly had a time stream adventure and he needs this filled out," Danny explains.

Bruce is honestly relieve. He starts to read and finds out that's exactly what the papers are. They're easily some of the most thorough records he's ever seen, and he's happy to be able to find out everything he did while in the time stream.

There's like fifteen minutes of peace.

"So, King Danny, what does this mean about "going into collections" and "pardons"," Stephanie asked.

"Ah, well, technically, I could just take your spirit back, make you dead again. I've had to do that with a few. But mostly I'm just pardoning everyone as long as they're not like actively causing a shit ton of damage. It's not their fault the system was screwed up."

"So," Tim says slyly. "Can you collect the Joker? Cause Dick killed him that one time?"

"Dick did what?" Jason snapped.

"Can you do that?" Bruce asks, feeling rather giddy at the idea. He has morals, but he also has feelings.

"Yeah, he's already on my list," Danny says. "I haven't done too much in Gotham yet. There's lots of others."

"What about Grandfather?" Those are the first words Damian's said in a half hour. His eyes are red and he looks rather wrecked.

"Yeah, I don't want to deal with him," Danny said. "Old asshole's body will give out eventually. I'm honestly hoping hell will take him so I don't have to deal with it."

"Does Ra's need to fill out the paperwork?" Tim asks, looking weirdly gleeful.

"Yeah. And I'm supposed- oh!" Danny suddenly smirks. "Oh, Damian, I know how you can make up the whole attempted fratricide thing. You go get grandfather to fill out his paperwork and we'll call it even."

"Is that all?" Damian asks. "I would do more."

"Not gonna lie, I've already got a sister and friends and wacky parents and a whole life. You're like not important at all... and I kinda already fucked up. So don't make me see grandfather and we're even."

"I'll handle it," Damian says seriously.

"Great. Also, after this, you stay far, far away from him. His body's giving out." Danny produces the papers and floats over to hand him the papers.

"You said that before, about his body giving out," Tim says. "He's dying, right? There's only so many times the Lazarus Water can revive cells before they start to break down."

"Yep," Danny says. "And he's trying to get a new bosy. Honestly, the only reason he hasn't bodyswapped is because he's a sexist piece of shit. But that's what me and Damian were for."

Damian's face loses all color, and Bruce is certain he looks even more pale.

"He would kill you and take your bodies?" Bruce whispers.

"Yes. He's basically got the ritual figured out. Why do you think I had to die? Think Mother knows, too. That's why she sent me away and didn't tell anyone I survived."

"An probably why she sent Damian to Bruce too," Stephanie notes.

"Yeah, well, unfortunately, the ritual works best with blood relation. And since I'm the ghost king, it's like eternal power for him. I'm not giving him a chance to know I exist."

"Is it safe for Damian to go?" Dick asks.

"I can go instead," Tim said.

"Not fucking happening. Creepo clearly either wants to use you or force you to have his kids. You're staying right where we can keep eyes on you," Jasom snaps.

"Oh, ew. Yeah, you stay away. I can put a ghost on you a protection for a bit. I just don't need Grandfather to know ghosts are real."

"It will make more sense for me to go," Damian insists. "Especially if I can give him something he wants."

That just makes everything devolve into argument and further discussion until an hour's passed, they've all finished signing their respectibe paperwork and Constantine lets out a loud whistle.

"Danny, I think you need to take your new spooky extended family home to meet your old crazy family," Constantine says.

"Do I have to?" Danny whines.

"Yes. Just get it over with. The only things that'll happen is Jack's back breaking hugs and a lot of excited chatter, and possibly fudge distribution."

"Fine," Danny says. "Okay, everyone back to the speeder. I need to introduce you to my family. If they ask, Phantom asked me to help him review a pardon list and I found my living brother and it sort of spiraled from there."

"They know about the League of Assassins," Cass says. Danny jolts.

"Uh, yeah, I told them. That's part of why they've been so stressed about ghost hunting. They figured out Ectoplasm and Lazarus Water is the same stuff. They've got a lot of ecto-decto stuff because they're afraid Grandfather will either come for me or send someone after me."

"You told them abount the assassins but not being half dead?" Jasons asks with a raised brow.

Danny's rubbing his neck again. "Yeah, I told them about the League so fast, it would just be weird if I told them about the ghost thing now, especially because they've been obsessed with catching and studying my ghost form. They'll just feel bad, and I don't want that."

Bruce is reminded, once again, that his family is the worst at personal priorities.

G̴̩͍͆͆̈́e̵̹̣͆t̷̬̋ ̸̻̮̎̒ĭ̸̏̃n̵͙̋͐ ̸̛̳̃t̶̪̣̅ḣ̸̳̇͜è̵̠̲͖̔̑ ̶̢̹̖͗͐̀Wa̵̬̞͝ṫ̴̩̣̣e̶͉̲̯͂̏̎r̴̉

It was a simple mission. Damian was working with Father to confirm the existence of a Lazarus Pit below Gotham, as Ra's Al Ghul speculated. And they had found it, deep in the caves below Gotham. A Pit the size of an Olympic sized swimming pool, bubbling and steaming. He'd only looked away for a moment.

"Kin-slayer."

Standing waist deep in the water stood Damian's reflection. The hair might be white, and the eyes glowing with the waters, but it was his face. But not his face alone.

Danyal's ghost glared at him. "Get in the water."

Father threw a batarang at him, but the metal flew straight through his head like it was air. Danyal didn't even glance at him, his eyes fixed on Damian. "Get in the water," he ordered again. He stepped closer to the shore and the green water sloshed up the bank higher than it was before. "Or I'll raise the tide so high, all of Gotham will die. So get in the water."

Damian's heart jumped into throat. "Wait-"

"Get in the water."

Father shoved Damian behind him, as if it would protect him, as if he could stop Danyal. "Stop this, please-" If he could just explain-

Another step and the waters surged forward, nearly touching Father's boots. "I'll make whirlpools so profound, your entire family will drown," he promised.

"NO!" Not his brother, his kind brother-

"THEN GET IN THE WATER!" Danyal snarled, revealing monstrously sharp teeth and a black tongue from Damian's poison. "G̴̩͍͆͆̈́e̵̹̣͆t̷̬̋ ̸̻̮̎̒ĭ̸̟̰͙̏̃n̵͙̝̟̋͐ ̸̛̳̃t̶̪̣̅ḣ̸̳̇͜è̵̠̲͖̔̑ ̶̢̹̖͗͐̀w̵̜͍̤̌a̵̬̞͝ṫ̴̩̣̣e̶͉̲̯͂̏̎r̴̉͜!̷̡͔́̀̽" He lunged and Father pushed them back down the passage they'd come. "Don't mistake this for a bluff, brother. You've lived more than enough. Just get in the water." Damian swallowed, throat dry. Was this Danyal's revenge? Did he finally have to face what he had done?

"Robin, who is this?" Father snapped, trying to keep retreating down the cave. But Damian wouldn't let him; the waters, and Danyal with them, would only follow.

Danyal looked between them, scowling. "G̴̩͍͆͆̈́e̵̹̣͆t̷̬̋ ̸̻̮̎̒ĭ̸̟̰͙̏̃n̵͙̝̟̋͐ ̸̛̳̃t̶̪̣̅ḣ̸̳̇͜è̵̠̲͖̔̑ ̶̢̹̖͗͐̀w̵̜͍̤̌a̵̬̞͝ṫ̴̩̣̣e̶͉̲̯͂̏̎r̴̉͜!̷̡͔́̀̽" he snapped again. "I'll take your father and gouge out his eyes, unless you want to stop being a coward and choose to die. Now... get in the water."

[louismygf]

I'm soooo excited for the album I honestly cannot wait so I wanted to ask you to rank the song by the titles and what we know about them so far ! and you can add what do you expect from all of them if you have certain expectations

omgie an ask ! lovely :) im superrr excited too and reading fan reactions/comments from the listening parties is so intriguing and also so annoying im incredibly jealous😭

answer under the cut bc i got way too excited and typed my heart out !! louis' music is a Very Good topic imo it should be talked about more often rather than....... anything else🥴💘 (warning: ridiculously long-ass answer below LOL)

initial predictions

okay i would just like to start by giving you the predictions i made before we got any interviews and before we got the full tracklist (when we were unscrambling letters basically)! sadly i never completed it bc i got busy,,, i think i was kinda close with Written All Over Your face and Bigger Than Me, though!!!

i originally thought we'd get 16 songs for standard and 18 for deluxe 🥹 (im kinda right!!) and i thought we would get 5 singles, but now i'm thinking 3 hehe (edit: actually 2 now but let's just say 3 for the sake of this ask)

my song ranking (by title & vibes):

my ranking is based on how intrigued i am by the title and also by the song's description, so basically the songs i'm most excited for! admittedly my ranking changed lot as we learned more information about the songs. i'll also add in my opinions/predictions ab the song. obviously, i know nothing; i could be extremely wrong. also here's a summary of what we know so far by @silverfoxlou 🫶🏽 your post helped a lot when i made this hehe thank u <3

1. Silver Tongues:

"a joyful and wholesome moment that honors the little intricacies of his relationship"

when it's louis' favorite, you Know it's a banger. i'm Veryyy intrigued by this song because louis described it as a high energy song but the lyrics are said to be joyful and wholesome? the little intricacies of his relationship? sounds like an interesting combination. Kill My Mind's sister? or ONE of kmm's sisters?? it's interesting to me how. kmm is an upbeat high energy song but with a kind of toxic relationship with a person or thing,,, this one's a Also an upbeat high energy song but! with a more well-adjusted relationship, i'd say- maybe that's growth... i do have a feeling we're getting multiple kmm's 🥹 he really really really likes this one! kmm was my top 3 in walls <3 it's going to be super fun for louis performing this live and for fans screaming the lyrics back to him. superrrr excited!!!

2. Out of my System

"a pulsating, punk-tinged Arctic Monkeys-inspired track... indie rock", (either 'Teddy Picker' or 'Dancing Shoes'), "a song that is as punk as I can get away with" (Altpress), "

guys, this is the mussy song. i Love arctic monkeys, are you kidding me!!!! this is going to slap so good i just know it. the partial lyrics can seen in the merch! back when we didnt know what sounds inspired fitf, the lyrics did seem very sad but with a punk/emo/grunge feel i think it could work and not be as depressing as the lyrics make it out to be! louis also listed this as his top 3, too so im expecting a lot <3 if i had to guess, this song is about releasing tension, letting go, just. relieving stress and just going with the flow kinda thing? it's a release. also is this going to be released as the next single????? will fitf even have another single???? he better release it soon bc theres no way he'd have enough time to promo the next single (if he even plans to have promo......). fitf + new single promo seems like a bad business decision idk . the streets r saying oct 28th so watch out for that ! (edit: WAIT could be sooner actually???????? excited!!!!!!!)

3. Written All Over Your Face:

"an infectious indie floor-filler... reminiscent of the first two Arctic Monkeys albums", "a song that is as punk as I can get away with" (Euphoria), "punchy energy", "has a slick funky guitar groove"

i was! kinda right, right??? with my initial predictions? it sounds like an argument to me. the peer review results are in, this is the "whiny whore louis song" 😭 the one where his voice is described as "whiny and raspy and... sexual". we already have the lyrics so we know it's not an actual sex song. he starts this song w "hey babe",,, who does that. an arctic monkeys inspired song that's high energy and is paired with a voice that makes you want to bend him over??!??!!? sign me the FUCK up !!!!!!!!!!

4. Face the Music:

"good and bad and right and wrong are stories made up when we are young to scare us" (lyrics), "[this song] took the longest [to complete]"

wait i dont actually know why this song is so high on my list,,,, it's probably bc shes so mysterious and bc we havent heard a lot about her so im very curious. i want this to be a diss track! i think we need more of louis (righteously) talking shit <3 he needs to get angry ! call them out ! if this song's not about a particular relationship,,, maybe it could be about the music industry??? facing the music is having to deal with the consequences of your actions. louis voice: thought-provoking title. i don't have much input on this song but. anyway, this lyric snippet speaks to me in an lgbt way but that's only bc i'm gay 💘

5. That's the Way Love Goes:

"melodic and most tender song", "a little ballad moment", "a non-sexual love between two best friends", "an interesting story, an interesting visual going through the song"

platonic relationships mean the world to me you do not understand... But . i'm a little scared it's going to be another Perfect Now........ ok listen. listen!! louis said he's "confident that this is a song fans are going to adore", and you know he said that with pn,,, i know the themes of both songs are incredibly different, but i don't trust louis' perception of his fans bc i did Not like that song lol. i hope when he means fans, he doesn't mean 1d fans,, my problem with pn was mostly in the concept of the song... the cheesy lyrics werent cutting it for me either,, the melody was alright, but it really did sound like a 1d song. another thought that went through my head (that i mentioned earlier in my initial predictions!) is that it could parallel Only the Brave. i'm loving how louis seems to always end his albums with songs dedicated to love (otb being the unofficial queer love anthem, ttwlg being a louli anthem song ab platonic love). can't wait to hear the lyrics, and the sonic omg it's a ballad ! cant wait to hear how it sounds.

6. Saturdays

"a pretty emotional vocal... I remember being pretty emotional recording the vocals."

"a sad bop",,,, people who've heard it said it was a sad bop !!! saturdays as a title gave me the impression of nostalgia, fun childhood memories kinda thing... saturday cartoons, saturday sleepovers, saturday messing around with friends, just. a fun & cozy vibe i absolutely did not expect a sad one out of this. maybe it's sad nostalgia? some longing? louis also said this was like his top 2 song on fitf, and he said he remembered being emotional while recording the vocals :,o Change vibes tbh but i guess with more melancholy? really like the concept that i completely assumed & literally just made up (lol). watch me be so wrong about this lol😭

7. The Greatest:

"a celebration of [Louis and the fans'] relationship", "specifically written as a tour opener", "propulsive opening track", "musically, it's interesting", "there's probably not another song like that on the record"

so like We Made It !!! immediately, i'm imagining massive drums, massive guitars, loud booming volume at the start of the song and a big chorus that will set the energy for tour way up high. the title feels very grand, so sonically, i'm thinking it will match the title. louis starting an album very strong with The Greatest and then ending with a more mellow one like That's the Way Love Goes is <3

8. Angels Fly:

“Angels Fly” suggest the sort of stadium grandeur we know he’s capable of

what a pretty title. i want this one to be a rock song, or a rock song but like a dance-y one. based on the title alone, initially, i thought this would be like Two of Us, but rn im highly doubting we'll get a heavy grief laden song bc as louis said: "there's a weight to that record [Walls album] emotionally, and I needed to go through that process, but it's not really how I carry myself as a person." so since it probably won't be like tou, and since louis loooves being quirky, he'd probably go the polar opposite of what i expect(ed). i try to outsmart louis but who am i kidding, this man is literally insane i do Not stand a chance. really pretty title though !

9. Chicago:

"it's about a person", "past love story"

lordie it's About A Person,,, 'kay.... "a deep track",,,,, what got jojo wright thinking "who [Chicago] is about, what happened..." yknow, i'm a nosey person; i'm a chismosa- but when it comes to louis' love life, i dont know, i would just... rather stay oblivious lol (given the kind of insane people this fandom has🥴). im absolutely Not looking forward to how #they will twist his lyrics to fit #their narrative. im literally just here for the music, man. well,,, fandom aside, i sense a lot of hurt in this one. louis did say he got emotional while recording this one so there's that. anyway, using songs as proof for thories about an artist's personal life is actually demented literally just enjoy the song and go :)

10. Paradise:

only on faith in the future target exclusive and hmv vinyl deluxe

dave gibson uses the sea as this song's visuals. this one's on the deluxe/exclusive version... dave has been teasing this song since forever, i wonder what it's about. louis wrote Walls, Saved by a Stranger, Chicago, Face the Music, and Out of my System with dave, so already my expections for this song are high!! it's on the deluxe/exclusive, and alongside Copy of a Copy of a Copy! in my mind this one's already a certified banger. louis hasn't acknowledged this song (for now), i don't think..... he's gatekeeping it bc it's just that good i know it.

11. Common People:

"about reconnecting with his roots in Doncaster", "how amazing the people are there",

(lyrics) "when i get lost, i go back to where i started", a song about how his hometown keeps him grounded... maybe he's aiming to make a song that can be played in donny pubs, that'd be cute :) i'm betting on a fun song for this one! originally, bc of the title, i thought this would lean more on social issues bc louis once said he plans on writing those but i think he'll keep it light on this one and focus more on the home feeling. warm, mellow, and cozy— very home-y. a love letter to doncaster :D solidarity, camaraderie, unity sort of thing

12. Holding Onto Heartache:

nothing yet

painful title. louis,,, why hold onto heartache...? i was shocked when these are the words we got after unscrambling. is it cliché to think this one's a ballad? if so then im betting this is the opposite of that lol. rock!! or? a rock ballad maybe??!? dance-y rock ballad??!?? LOL we dont have much info on this one so im really just pulling all this out of my ass.

13. Lucky Again:

leaked last august, nothing official has been released(?)

well, this one got leaked in august and i still have 0 idea what it sounds like or what it could be about. i *have* heard others say that it's really good, or it should've been the lead single as opposed to Bigger Than Me. i don't really want too many songs that talk about romantic love tbh, so im retracting my original prediction & im going to say it's ab his career,,, life in general maybe? feeling lucky again for being given another shot.... at his career.....? he's been using the phrase "i've been lucky enough..." in interviews in regards to things hes done/things he had the opportunity to do so it could relate to that,, guys idk i am just a girl. i feel like this one will knock me off my feet bc i kinda blocked it out; i have been purposefully ignoring it to avoid spoilers😭

14. She is Beauty We are World Class:

"dance genre", was written together with Saturdays and Silver Tongues

the title is definitely the most interesting. i honestly have nooo clue. for some reason, when i search up world class, it directs me to the football definition of world class so 😭 it wouldn't surprise me y'know...... it's a song you can shake your ass to! play this one on football stadiums (just like what didn't happen to kmm lmao)! i personally don't listen to dance music a whole lot but if dmas can change louis' mind then im hoping louis can change mine too. i feel like im giving her a hard time ever since he said this was dance-y, but real talk, i think i'll like her a lot!!! just like all the songs on here i truly feel there won't be a big miss yknow !

15. Headline:

full lyrics

well, we already have the lyrics. i keep trying to make up melodies to match the lyrics for this one (lol) and i already know whatever i come up with will be absolute shit compared to what louis' cooked up. hmmm.... (shitty lyric analysis ahead) "you used to read me like a headline",,,, headlines, well, they're usually bad. or negative is the word. louis has a cynical view on journalism written about him. generally, it seems like he doesn't like them. they're clickbait-y, they're sometimes false, they pull viewers in using shock factor— it doesn't give you the full picture is the thing. being read like a headline sounds awful. this implies his partner doesn't actually know him that well, or has a one-dimensional view of him. the lyrics "so fast to judge in error, you thought you knew me better" support that idea. the opening and ending lyric,,, "sometimes i wake up and i hear you through the silence" and "...wake up and i wish you were beside me",

16. All This Time:

"dance genre"

in my head, it makes perfect sense to group this title with Back To You, Miss You, Always You, and Habit, and All Along🫣 but obviously, i could be completely and embarrassingly wrong. louis is the king of writing songs about missing/going back to toxic, unhealthy relationships and based on the title alone, i think this has similar themes to those songs. this song was described as dance-y though, so i'm really feeling the Always You theme. i don't want AY's "i miss you 🥺, i was so wrong for leaving you🥺" though, i want this one to burn though; i want it to go for the throat. edit: he played this on the listening parties & people said this was actually kind of laid back???? almost lo-fi sound??? alt indie electronica dance?? people who went to the listening parties don't talk about this song much😭 and it's the lowest on my list,,,,, i'm sure it's a great song though!!!!!

[the songs below don't count on the song ranking bc we already heard 'em, so... but here are my thoughts!]

17. Bigger Than Me:

lead single!!! this is my First!!! Ever!!!!! louis official song release🥹🥹🥹 shes very special to me 🫶 tbh i didnt expect this kind of sound for fitf! my first impression of this song was that it sounded like a blend of Walls and Defenceless. it could've easily fit with Walls album, too. it's a really good, upbeat song, im obsessed. i do admit it wasnt love at first listen but that's only bc i expected he'd go for a rocky-er song. the instrumentation is in this one, his vocals, lyrics that actually Mean something,,, mwa chefs kiss! amazing choice for a lead single (but for some reason isn't being pushed by radio lmao.......)

18. Saved by a Stranger:

"vulnerable and poignant"

19. Copy of a Copy of a Copy (Live from Lima):

a moving song, it came at a very unexpected time too (near btm release week, when there was much happiness and excitement about the new era). the lyrics are simple but they weigh heavy on my heart. this being the accompanying song to Bigger Than Me (song about acceptance, healing and growth) is a deliberate choice by louis, and that fact makes me miserable!!!!! i like the themes (ugly face of fame, comfort in anonymity, genuine human connections, and obvious references to depression and suicide) and how it was delivered soo simply but, aaughhHH thinking about this song long enough always puts me to tears :( also i just wanna say,,,, i personally do not think the "she" are the fans like🧍‍♀️ it's a song that portrays fame in quite a negative light, so the fans he earned from that same fame is not what saved him... i think! personally!!! it's someone who doesn't even know who he is "and i wonder if she still remembers me". having a person you do not even know care about your safety and wellbeing only because you share the experience of being human with them. that is just me though so if u disagree and have your own personal meaning to this song, then it's totally fine!!! take what u want from this song. OH and also, it sounds like the guitar part in the afhf doc !

still my number one! the revelation that louis wrote it all by himself is incredibly sexy, and just reaffirms how much of an amazing songwriter he is. the sound editing/production of Bigger Than Me (Live from Milan) was amazing, so i cannot wait how copy (live) will sound!

tbh when i typed it all out as a list and seeing which songs are higher than the other, i feel unsure lol i'm not 100% on it! it's fine though bc i havent heard any of these (except for btm, sbas & coacoac)!!!!!!!! it's going to change drastically once fitf is released anyway <3

my album expectations:

okay,, album expectations/predictions time !

overall genre: grunge-y indie rock, alternative, pop punk, pop rock, soft rock(?), alternative dance(???), some ballads here and there but generally big and loud songs meant for live shows, arenas and stadiums <3

fitf concept will be about: love and healing, growth, and having faith in the future, acceptance, changes, & coming of age,,, i want him to talk some shit too though 👀

i think we'll get 3 singles: (1) Bigger Than Me, & my guesses: (2) Out of My Sytem (3) Lucky Again (starting to really doubt we'd get a third single bc it's so quiet & releasing a single close to the album release is a little dumb i think, but at the same time having only 2 singles feels wrong..... well, this was my original prediction so im sticking w 3 even though it'd be weird to at this point)

this tweet that says with the listening parties, he's letting fans hear the "mid" songs😭 so this means allll the songs he's still gatekeeping from us are his best!!!!! (not saturdays tho bc it's in his top 3... grain of salt bc ik some bitches r liars)

he said it's not as polished as walls, not as heavy emotionally, so i think we'll get an album that's just him having fun with the sounds and trying new things- lighter, more spontaneous & dance-y vibe. he said it would give us hope.

of course, im expecting the lyric quality to be better than walls ! i personally thought otb was his best song lyrically from walls (regardless of the discourse on whether he wrote on it or blah), so i cant wait for him to top that! (im team otb > copy lyrics wise btw)

i still want a song similar to Miss You so he can tour it

i hope we can hear more of louis' vocal range on this album <3 bigger than me already delivered but i need more 😋🤲

i still think the tiny bit the band plays after kmm is actually part of a song from fitf bc apparently louis already finished 99% of it before(!!!) tour started,,, i could be super wrong lol

louis will actually play guitar on stage before the encore i know it bc he told me ;)

i expect to completely fall head over heels in love with this album!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[justsomefluff]

Hey I saw your ateez reaction to the reader still using their baby blanket and was wondering if you could do one like that but instead the reader still sucks on their thumb when they sleep ( I still do that, it's kind of embarrassing lol but I cant sleep if I dont 😳🥺😗)

you're so cute aw I hope you like this <3

Hongjoong:

you're his baaabbbbyyyyy

adores you so much

and the first time you guys have a sleepover you're nervous about it

and you're worried you won't be able to fall asleep

of course you haven't told him yet bc you haven't needed to

but when youre in bed and all snuggled up together

you can feel yourself getting drowsy

you cant actually fall asleep because you just need that comfort yk

eventually he falls asleep and you're like FINALLY

plan to wake up before him to hide it

but you fail

you're too comfy cozy when you actually fall asleep

and when I say you could have slept forever right there? I mean it

so when Joong inevitably wakes up before you and sees your thumb in your mouth?

he uwus so hard he falls out of the bed

the thump wakes you up and you yank your thumb out of your mouth, embarrassed

you look down on him from the bed and ask if he’s okay

he just stares at you with so much love in his eyes

clutching his chest with his hands

“you- you're so cute”

Seonghwa:

Mama Hwa… ACTIVATE

I feel like seonghwa is the kind of boyfriend who likes being very upfront with things like insecurities and stuff

And by the time you guys start spending the night together, you know this

So you know you’re gonna have to tell him straight up

And when you do you’re super nervous and he gets worried

Like he doesn’t want to be the reason that you look so uncomfortable right now

Wants you to be able to talk about anything with him without fear of being judged

So encouraging and doesn’t push you to tell him anything

Wants you to come to him in your own time

Even though he’s drowning in worry and he wants to know so bad

“I need to suck my thumb to go to sleep please don’t think im weird I won’t do it here if you’re uncomfortable-“

“ITS OKAY”

Like oh… he’s cool with it

In bed that night, he just snuggles up right behind so that you can comfortable do your thing

As long as he gets to hold you? As long as youre comfortable and peaceful?

That’s all he needs

Yunho:

He honestly doesn’t care as long as it doesn’t get in the way of cuddling

When you tell him and you’re so nervous about it that you’re shaking

He just holds your hands and looks at you so fondly

The look in his eyes alone is enough to calm you down

He’ll lean down a little bit, kiss your forehead, and pull you in for a hug

Just kind of rocks you both back and forth

Stays with you until you’re able to process the information lol

Like…he’s really okay with it… Yunho best boy

Waits until you calm down a little bit

Reassures you the entire time

Just tells you how much he loves you and how perfect you are the entire time

When you find your voice again and ask him if he’s really okay with it?

He’ll lean down sweetly and whisper in your ear

“Yes, but if it gets in the way of cuddles?” 

“Im gonna be pissed”

But that makes you laugh a little bit and you promise him you would never let anything get in the way of his cuddles

“Promise?” 

“Promise”

Yeosang:

When you bring it up to Yeosang, he’s already half asleep

But you figured you should tell him anyway so that he isn’t surprised in the morning

Since he’s groggy and isnt really fully aware

Looks at you with big eyes and offers you his thumb

“MY THUMB NOT YOURS”

He looks a little relieved, no lie

But you have a good chuckle about it

“I’m just saying you could use mine if you needed it, I have two of them”

“So do I”

“Still…”

Either way he doesn’t care

He really would let you suck his thumb if you really wanted lmao

Just does not care

Just do what you gotta do to get to sleep

As long as it doesn’t interrupt his sleep? His snuggles? Does not matter

Makes you feel really comfortable

Because he doesn’t push you to give him a reason 

Doesn’t ask questions, just kind of accepts it as a part of you

Will fall asleep before you and you’re just kinda like

Sigh of relief

Happy with your absolutely perfect boyfriend who somehow manages to get even more perfect with every conversation you have

San:

San strikes me as one of the easiest people to talk to

Especially if you’re dating

Just makes you feel so safe and at home that you’re able talk about any topic you need to

Even if you’re nervous to bring something up, he makes it so easy to talk about

So when you tell him you want to talk about something

He’s so willing and receptive

Like yes, tell me everything and I will do whatever I can to help

Having this conversation might be a little bit more difficult for you if you’re really insecure and worried about what he will think about you afterwards

But he will just wait for you

Never pressures you for the sake of time or anything

Just wants to be there for you until you’re ready

Telling him goes extraordinarily well

He’s like “that’s not weird… I mean I sleep with Shiber the majority of the time. Its not really that much different. If it’s what you need, then I’m okay with it”

Happy, loving boy smile

You love that he is able to compare the things you do to make you feel more normal

Just so amazing at making you feel understood

In this house we are soft for Sannie

Mingi:

So you really wanna bring this up to him before you have your first sleepover

But if he senses that something is bothering you???

Worried boyfriend system: ON

He immediately assumes that he did something wrong

And when you assure him that it isn’t anything that he did?

He’s like WHO HURT YOU

And you’re like… I did? Lmao 

Like who hurt me? ME

And he assumes you’re injured 

Wrong again, my dear

He’s full sweating by the time you finally tell him what’s on you’re mind

And he takes the biggest breath

Like THANK GOD

He’s just happy its nothing he did lmao

Literally his response is “oh, ok whatever it’s cool”

And he just moves on from it, no need to dwell

It doesn’t change his opinion of you so? NEXT

Wooyoung:

Okay so you know Wooyoung is a ham okay

And thats why you’re worried

Like you know he would never hurt your feelings on purpose

But he might do it accidentally bc this is something that genuinely makes you insecure

So if he makes fun of it, it will hit you where it hurts, even if he doesn’t mean it

You tell him you need to talk… wrong way to start this conversation okay let me tell you

“ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME PLEASE NO”

“WOOYOUNG NO SHUT UP LET ME FINISH”

“Oh”

When you finally get the courage to blurt it out

He damn near laughs at you

Like “THATS IT?!”

“…I guess that’s it”

“As long as you arent breaking up with me”

like… “I was worried you would break up with me after I told you”

“No, dumb, never”

Gives you a hug and a kiss and spends your first sleepover giving snuggles and loving on you

Jongho:

Protective boyyyyyyy

Just wants the best for you, always

So open to talking about things

Also really perceptive

Know you’re worried before you do

“Do you need to talk? I’m here if you do”

Like he’s so loving im cry

Telling him is a breeze

He calms you down and offers conversation before you realize youre ready to tell him about this habit of yours

Will tease you a little

“Oh my literal baby”

“Shut up”

“Wait… is that more comforting than my cuddles wtf?”

And then you have to reassure him that his cuddles are the most comforting and you love them

And thats how he got you to forget about your worries

Because he made you have to comfort him

Jongho psychologist 

[interstellarflowers]

wish you were sober | billy hargrove x reader x steve harringon |

wish you were sober

billy hargrove x reader x steve harrington

summary: parties weren’t your thing, and maybe billy wasn’t either

a/n: hey everyone this is my first shot at writing a stranger things fic, and obviously my first time writing billy so i hope it’s okay! just a disclaimer, i dont condone billy’s behavior in stranger things and if you find yourself in an abusive relationship romantic or otherwise, please seek help! that being said this is inspired by conan gray’s wish you were sober i suggest listening to it while reading, also! the gif isn’t mine! im honestly not sure who made it but credit to them! 

song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHyE_erqAe0

tw: angst, language 

This party's shit, wish we could dip

Go anywhere but here

Parties were so not your scene. Alcohol wasn’t your thing, dancing anywhere outside of your room was out of the question and the music was deafeningly loud. So why were you here? Oh right, Billy fucking Hargrove. How could you even begin to describe your relationship with Billy Hargrove? The only way that you could think to describe it was the same way that you would describe Billy himself, soft in the middle, rough around the edges and full of fluctuations. One second you would feel like you were on top of the world, and the next you would feel as if you’d hit rock bottom. If you got to close you were sure to get cut but the closer you got the better it felt, the more it opened up. Sometimes you weren’t sure if you were talking about Billy or your relationship, sometimes you weren’t sure of anything. 

Tonight, everything was on a downswing. 

The day had started out fine, Billy drove you home from school and had managed to talk you into accompanying him to the party. 

“It’ll be fine (y/n)!”

“What if it’s not?”

“It will be. Now go put on something nice so we can get going.” You sighed but complied, you knew that you’d do anything for him because you had just always assumed that he’d do the same. Assumed.

Not even ten minutes were you at the party and he was already at the keg stand doing exactly what Billy does best, being a reckless little shit. Having left you for alcohol so early on you found yourself frozen, so here you were. 

“(y/n)!” Steve made a beeline for you through the crowd.

“Hey Steve.” you responded meekly,

“What’s up?”

“Oh you know, Billy.” you responded dryly, Steve’s face fell in disappointment.

Steve knew all about your dynamic relationship with Billy, the ups, the downs, but mostly the downs. Steve had been a good friend of yours since diapers so it was only natural that he would know everything about you and Billy,

“What now?” You nodded over in Billy’s direction as you and Steve watched him stumble towards you,

“Harrington.” Billy slurred shooting Steve a look that could kill.

Don't take a hit, don't kiss my lips

And please don't drink more beer

“And that’s when Steve makes an exit,” Steve says patting your back and disappearing back into the crowd,

“What did he want?”

“Nothing Billy, he’s my friend, you know that.”

“I don’t like him.”

“I know you don’t like him Billy.” 

“What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing Billy,” you shifted your gaze to the floor, refusing to look Billy in the eye, you didn’t feel like expressing your disappointment in him, you just wanted to make it through the night so that you could just go home,

“I know,” Billy gave you one of his classic smirks failing to notice how you looked down, “You need a drink.”

“Billy, I don’t really drink-”

“Oh? So you don’t want to drink it?” Billy moved his face closer to yours, lifting your chin up, his breath smelt of beer and something else that you were pretty sure you could place as weed.

“Billy please don’t-”

He did anyways, he tasted how he smelt, and you didn’t like it. You waited for him to pull away and watched as he turned to get more beer,

“Billy.” you said over the crowd with a soft tone,

“(y/n).” he turned around, sending shivers down your spine, and not in the way you liked,

“Please don’t drink more beer.” He only laughed and continued walking away. 

I'ma crawl outta the window now

'Cause I don't like anyone around

Kinda hope you're following me out

But this is definitely not my crowd

As the night went on it only got worse, Billy seemed to have an inhuman tolerance for alcohol as he downed one after the other. Ignoring you, leaving you to sit alone. 

You sat at the edge of the pool, your shoes off with just up to your ankles submerged in the chlorinated water. You were taken out of your thoughts when someone over by the porch screamed,

“COPS! EVERYBODY RUN!” 

You quickly stood up stumbling to put your shoes on as you rapidly searched the crowd for Billy, failing to be able to see him through the masses. You finally got your shoes back on and pushed your way through everyone still searching for Billy, you kept searching until you found yourself face to face with a certain someone everyone had been running from-

“(y/l/n)?” Hopper stared at you astonished to see Jane’s on and off babysitter at a party like this,

“Hopper?”

“What are you doing here?” Tears started to well up in your eyes as you struggled to create sentences,

“I want to go home…” you managed to squeak out. Hopper nodded silently before briefly leaving to scan the grounds, having found that everyone else had managed to escape, you followed Hopper to his car.

“Thank you.” you said quietly as you strapped yourself in,

“It’s no problem,” Hopper paused for a second testing the waters, “But I really have to ask (y/n), what in the world were you doing there?”

You shook your head at him and Hopper respected that whatever your reasons were that you didn’t want to talk about it. He decided not to press further, he knew that you were a good kid, so whatever you were doing there, he trusted you.

On the drive home the car was silent but your mind was buzzing with thoughts of Billy. You swore that you could still taste the alcohol from his lips. Every minute or so you couldn’t help but look out the rear view window, wishing that Billy was following you home to say that he was sorry or to at least say goodnight.

“Here we are,” Hopper pulled over in front of you house,

“Thank you.” you said as you got out of his car,

“(y/n)?” you turned to look at him, “Don’t let anybody make you do anything you don’t want to do, okay?” You nodded firmly and thanked him again before shutting the passenger seat of the car door and quietly letting yourself into your house. 

It was dark, good. The last thing you needed was to deal with your dad tonight, his bedroom door was shut and the lights were off in there too, which meant that you were safe. You took note that your parent’s car wasn’t in the driveway which meant that your Mom was out with one of her men on the side...again. 

You lightly padded down the hallway and let out a sigh of relief as you finally shut your bedroom door. 

“(y/n).” It was him, you turned your head to the right taking notice that your window had been left open.

“Billy.” You couldn’t lie, you were relieved to see him, but you couldn’t hide the hurt in your tone. 

Nineteen but you act twenty-five now

Knees weak, but you talk pretty proud, wow

Ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed

Take me where the music ain't too loud

Trade drinks, but you don't even know her

Save me 'till the party is over

Kiss me in the seat of your Rover

Real sweet, but I wish you were sober

“(y/n),” Billy was hammered, “I didn’t realize that you didn’t escape too, I would have driven you home. So I came here and I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Billy, did you drive here?”

“Yeah, parked down the street.”

“Billy, you’re drunk.”

“(y/n), you’re pretty.” He gave you another classic smirk that only Billy Hargrove could do and placed a kiss to your lips. Alcohol still on his breath. You frowned,

“What’s wrong (y/n)?” you sighed and started to change into your pajamas,

“It’s nothing Billy.” you saw Billy watching you take your clothes off out of the corner of your eye but you didn’t really care in this moment all you could think about was how little Billy seemed to care about you.

“It’s not nothin’, you’re pissed.” Billy put his hands on his hips and faced you as you sighed and sat down on the edge of your bed, 

“What is it (y/n)?” Billy moved in closer to you and kissed your forehead, “You’re so pretty, you know that?” He was too close right now. It was too much. You could feel the aftermath of the sound system in your eardrums and it still felt like a train was running through your body, the closer he got the stronger the stench of alcohol was, it was seriously too much, you forced your gaze away from him and your eyes fixated on a crack in your wooden floorboards,

“You’re sweet Billy, but I wish you were sober.” 

I wish you were sober

Wish you were so, wish you were so, wish you were sober

I wish you were sober

“But (y/n), it was a party.”

“I know Bily, I’m sorry, I just, I just wish you were.”

“Sober?” he rolled his eyes at you, “I wish you were drunk.”

“I don’t want to be.” you said quietly as you continued to fixate your gaze on the floorboard.

Tripped down the road, walking home

You kissed me at your door

Pulling me close, begging me to stay over

But I'm over this rollercoaster

Billy’s face faltered and he ran his hands through his hair,

“Look, (y/n), I’m sorry okay? Let’s just go back to my place, and I’ll have you back before your dad even notices you’re gone, okay? Please?” 

“Billy.”

“My dads not home, and Max is at her friend’s, it’ll just be you and me, and we can, we can just...We can just do. You know? Let’s just go (y/n), come on.”

“Billy please.”

“(y/n), let’s go. Love you, you know?.”

Billy never failed to put the “I” in the relationship never failing to completely leave behind his narcissistic ways despite this, Billy Hargrove never failed to leave the “I” out of “I love you.”

“Billy, I love you...I really love you but I’m over this rollercoaster. I’m sorry.”

“(y/n), what are you saying?”

“I’m saying that I can’t do this anymore Billy.”

“Do what? (y/n), yes you can, you just said so.”

“Billy I’m sorry, but you have to leave.” 

“(y/n), you love me, you can’t-”

“Yes Billy, I love you.”

“See? So why-”

“I love you but you’re killing me.”

Billy opened his mouth to respond, but quickly closed it again, he looked at the ground, at you, and then at the ground again before making his way out of your window, leaving you to sit on the edge of your bed tears falling onto your floor. 

I'ma crawl outta the window now

Getting good at saying, "gotta bounce"

Honestly you always let me down

And I know we're not just hanging out

Billy had taught you how to do a few things without even meaning to. He taught you how to get good at hiding disappointment. He taught you to get really good at responding to “gotta bounce.” He taught you how to hold on tight on a rollercoaster. But most importantly he taught you what it was like to die without taking your final breath. 

Nineteen but you act twenty-five now

Knees weak, but you talk pretty proud, wow

Ripped jeans and a cup that you just downed

Steve Harrington. You swore he was a different breed. He was eighteen but he acted like he was twenty-five, yeah, it was obnoxious sometimes, but just by looking at him you could tell that it was warranted. He never did tell you about what had happened in the past two years, all you knew was that there were just some things that were better left unsaid, and you were okay with that, you could understand that. 

Steve Harrington was something that you could understand. 

It started slowly, Monday morning after the incident Billy pulled up to your house in the morning only to see you getting into Steve’s car, smiling lightly as Dustin pouted in the backseat.  Billy felt a pang in his chest but ignored it, figuring that all of this would blow over in a week, you loved him after all, and he did love you.

Steve Harrington drove you to school for the rest of that week, and the weeks following, weeks turned into months, and it was March. Three months since the incident and Billy never failed to loop around your block, just in case. Still in denial. 

On the other hand, you had never felt better in your entire life. Steve was a breath of fresh air after breathing in smoke for so long. He had a special mixtape to sing along to on your morning commutes together, he would bring you coffee some mornings, and every day he would greet you with a bright smile and a, 

“Good morning love.” There it was. You smiled at Steve, getting into his passenger seat. Billy had seen you smile before, but never like this, you smiled with your eyes.

“Gross” whined Dustin, “Get a room, and drive me to school already.” Steve chuckled and rolled his eyes,

“Aye aye captain.”

“Another party?”

“Yeah, I know you don’t like them,” you sat on Steve’s bed staring at the ceiling, “But I promised that I’d go and I don’t want to leave my best girl alone on a Friday night.”

“Not your girl Steve,” you giggle and Steve smiles and rolls his eyes making his way over to look you in the eyes,

“And I promise that I will not leave your side.” 

Take me where the music ain't too loud

Trade drinks, but you don't even know her

Save me 'till the party is over

Kiss me in the seat of your Rover

Real sweet, but I wish you were sober

He didn’t. Steve Harrington didn’t leave your side the whole night. Regardless, you let him do his thing, zoning out and following him around like a lost puppy dog. Billy watched from a corner of the party, you and Steve seemed to be getting on nicely. Billy wished that he could say that he was happy that you were happy, he had always wished he could be someone like that, but he couldn’t. He downed his eighth drink of the night as he followed you with his eyes and all he could feel was hurt. 

“(y/n)?” Steve had pulled you into a quieter part of the house,

“Steve.” you smiled up at him, wondering why the sudden shift in attitude,

“(y/n),” Steve took a deep breath looking you in the eye, “I need to tell you something. It’s really important and I’ve been meaning to say it for a while so, here it goes...I love you.” 

Your chest squeezed before you masked your feelings, giggling and rolling your eyes at him,

“You’re drunk Steve.”

“Completely sober actually.” You met Steve’s eyes again,

“Are you for real?”

“Completely and one hundred percent real.”

“Well Steve, I love you too.” Steve smiled at you before leaning down to kiss you. His lips were soft and they tasted like cherry chapstick and rain. 

Sober.

a/n i hope you liked it! thank you for reading! please reblog and like if you enjoyed! should i make a part two?

[askmyboys]

Xovarkzis

Here’s the last god/goddess I made so far! More to come im sure lmao

| Name: Xovarkzis (pronunciation: Zo-Vark-Zis) God of Time (also has some power over life and death)

| Nicknames: Xo (again pronounced as Zo) or Vark/Ark

| Gender: He/Him, They/Them, She/Her, and It/It’s, gender doesn’t STRICTLY matter for them, you can call them a god or a goddess either one

| Age: It’s speculated that perhaps Xovarkzis has been around since the beginning of time, their specific age is unknown BUT it’s clear that he is over countless centuries old

| Height: 500ft (when they come down to visit Earth they shift down to about 6’3”)

| Species/Race: Well its obvious but still, just to reiterate- God/Goddess

| Hair Color: The left side of his hair is White and the right side of his hair is Black (his hair is a quiff style)

| Eye Color: Left eye is pure white and the right eye is pure black (they have a third eye on their forehead that is mixed between black n white, it isn’t two eyes, its just one eye with split colors, the left side of the eye is pure white and of course the right side is pure black)

| Skin Color/Body Type: The left side of his body is black and the right side is white (ayo a bit of a reversal there lmao) and he’s pretty lanky tbh

| Appearance: She’s got a few outfits BUT the main one is a white toga with a long black silk piece that’s draped over his shoulder (it’s got some white wording sewn into it but the language seems to be unknown, Xo’s language has been lost for centuries, you’d be lucky to find ANYONE aside from the goddess themself that speaks it or can even translate it, if you REALLY wanna know I’ll tell you, it’s basically going to translate into a blessing) it wears black and white victorian style boots (you know the boot got them h e e l s) for some reason he seems to have antlers, b i g ones- likewise the left side is a white antler and the right side is a black antler, he has necklaces hanging from those antlers full of Turritella Agate stones(it is believed to help in times of change, dispelling negative thoughts and reliving conditions of fatigue) and Snowflake Obsidian stones (it’s a 'stone of purity' bringing balance to the body, mind, and spirit. Said to be beneficial for the skin and veins) and she has a necklace she wears on her neck that is a Sodalite Stone (it helps to calm and clear the mind, bring joy and relieve a heavy heart. Said to aid the metabolism and lymphatic system)

He wears a white glove on his left hand and then a black one on the right (they cut the tips out of them so their black and white claws can peep through BUT ONLY for the claws, I’ll explain the gloves being a VERY crucial detail in side facts)

They have razor sharp teeth (they also have a circle beard btw, it being the colors of each part of the respective skin color ya know), their ears are pointed and they also wear black n white gauges and other earrings of that color in their ears as well, that’s all for the jewelry however- they can also grow black and white wings (v feathery n fluffy wings), they also have a black based tail and then white fluff at the end (p much a dragon-esque looking tail), they seem to have a few scars here and there but nothing TOO major, it just appears to be from a few fights that must’ve ensued sometime in her life.

| Personality: Xovarkzis is an… Interesting being, it usually spends time by itself, tending to her own world and keeping everything in order, he’s usually VERY calm and collected in every situation possible since he’s seen it all pretty much, they’ve seen most outcomes when it comes to life, all the questions, the answers, etc- Xovarkzis is essentially almost an all knowing being, when it comes to fighting Xo has never been one to choose a side, they always stay out of matters that don’t concern them, it’s just… What happens a f t e r  a fight, especially if it gets… Messy… They do warn of the consequences of every action, every choice has it’s consequences and if someone thinks they are ABOVE consequences? They are a fool, even Xovarkzis to be as powerful and high ranking being as she is, even he’ll admit he is not free from consequence and he never will be... 

Xovarkzis finds mortals to be such… Interesting beings, Xo loved to study them whenever they could, always watching and observing from afar whatever it may be, whether their making decisions and choices or simply going about their life… Life ...Another subject as well as death, that Xo knows very well, Xo’s seen such much death in her centuries, at first she had questioned why death had to really exist, why did people have to be taken, taken away from their loved ones, taken away from the living, and so… Easily too... Ark had even gone as far to see if it could even s t o p death but hah, when they look back at that, such a f o o l i s h desire, death, albeit a tragedy by most… Can be beautiful in many ways, a lot fear death, Ark cannot blame them nor would she ever BUT, people tend to forget, there IS still beauty in death just as there is beauty in life.

Xovarkzis always tries to show any mortals that wind up before them that fact, it’s not a way to ease them into death, there is no such way to ease into death unfortunately, but there’s still the beauty, at the VERY least Xo can show them that before leading them to their final destination, Xo might be the god/goddess of life and death (as well as time which I’ll get to in a moment) but they cannot bring a person back from the dead, that would go against EVERYTHING they believe in and it’s impossible anyways, death is permanent, and even if there were a way, if they brought them back, that person would NEVER be the same… Well in THAT regard anyways BUT there is a… “Special Rule” If a person is taken before their time is up? ...There CAN be a pardon but it depends on the person really and the situation, and it still goes against what Xo believes in, in, well a way but… Sometimes an exception needs to be made, if their time was not up and it happened to be an… “Unfortunate” circumstance then they must continue on their journey.

Xo will even admit “Despite my beliefs… Your time has n o t run out… There is still so much you must do, so much to accomplish… So, just this once, I will send you back… But remember, life isn’t something you should take for granted, so many loved ones, whether it be a friend, family, or partner… You have someone who truly cares about you out there, so try and live life to the fullest every day possible… Remember, you w o n ‘ t get another chance like this, next time, it will be permanent I’m afraid…” now as for time, Xo holds time with a fondness… Time can be a blessing and a… Curse to some… Xo used to see time as a curse but they learned quickly, you must do what you can and will with the time you are given, never be afraid to get out there and do whatever it is you desire, time may seem so short… It may even feel as though time is plotting and working against you, but that is simply not true… It’s all about working with the time you are given, there is no such thing as more or less with time, and you had better make the most of the time you ARE given, for one day, your clock, as will everyone else’s, will run out.

Xo keeps the time in order (kinda like father time in a way), she CAN control it in a way, meaning it can stop and start time BUT there could only be one reason for stopping, starting, and speeding up time- And if that reason EVER comes to pass ...Whatever god/goddess/being you worship, you had better p r a y to them, pray as hard as you can… (Xo cannot reverse time however technically speaking, unless you wish to count them bringing a person back via unfortunate circumstances then I suppose in a way she can do that but still) Xo’s always been fascinated with how time worked to be honest, it’s interesting all the things time can make happen… Mortals, plants, etc- those grow up, worlds they age and sometimes become more progressive than others, and mostly people change with time, some anyways- Everything changes with time marching ahead, and that, to Xo is a wonderful thing…

That’s honestly the best I can sum them up?? There’s obvs gonna be more to them but for now this is good for personality basis (Xo despite being so blunt with things, Xo is a sweetheart who just wants the best for everyone, just wants peace, equality, and for people to live life to their fullest potential, Xo wants to see them succeed, failure? ...Failure is natural and should not be something to fear, you can always learn from the mistakes you make and next time you try something, then you’ll know what to avoid next time around, failure in a way should be treated as growth, as growing and learning because it is)

| Side Facts: Xo isn’t one for weapons BUT it does wield a black handled scythe that has a white blade attached to it (if you REALLY want, Xo can be technically called a Reaper even if he is much more than that, but if you wish to classify her as that then so be it), Ark’s world is also made up of black and white (literally if you look at the world, it’s split down the middle, black and white, nothing more nothing less, it’s world is actually considered a “Void” given that there isn’t anything really there, the only thing there in the split is Xo’s “throne” of course because it’s literally right in the center of the world it’s black and white as well, they have decorated it with various stones (like the Turritella, Snowflake, and Sodalite stones) there are a few others that are p much otherworldly, those stones can only be found in Xo’s world (I’ll leave those up to interpretation lmao), there ARE shelves lining the “room” however full of hourglasses, all of various types, various names are labelled on them.

Even Xo’s own, for even Xo, despite being a god/goddess n such, does have a due date himself, all the gods/goddesses do, one day their time will be up just like everyone else’s, granted… They D O live a LOT longer than mortals, animals, etc… Hence why their hourglasses are so big and almost infinite, but Xo knows, deep down, despite their infinite size, the sand will reach the bottom one day and then that will be it… Xo isn’t scared of death anymore, they haven’t been for MANY centuries now (they used to be afraid, they used to not understand why they had to even deal with the things they did, why they were the god/goddess they were, but one day, it finally understood… And that was that)

(If Xo and Thanatos (side note, i do realize that’s an actual god name but this one in particular i made is… woo b o y, just- yikes), but Xo and Thanatos would honestly be at each other’s throats, Xo has never liked picking a side in a fight, has never been one for fighting anyway- but Thanatos would disrupt EVERYTHING… That sick disgusting excuse for a god doesn’t even deserve his status, he treats death like a game for his entertainment, he’ll LITERALLY go out of his own way to make everyone suffer in any way he can, and Xo will not have any mockery and slander toward life nor death in this way so those two would c l a s h)

You would think Xo would live forever given their status and being the god they are BUT, it’s definitely not true! They can even be killed even though ...That’s LITERALLY near impossible, not ABSOLUTELY impossible but still, someone would have to get a REALLY lucky and fatal shot in, however even if they were to fade (if Xo dies, imma say this right now, there’ll be a spotlight on them and they’ll start fading away into little specs and drifting into the wind) the balance of life, death, and time will not implode, there are many other gods/goddesses that will be ready to take Ark’s place even if it may be sooner than expected, there’s always a chance after all…

Also fine, yeah- Unus Annus inspired me p heavily here BUT not ENTIRELY?? I just wanted to make another god/goddess for the world, Osmundus has never met Xo despite Xo sometimes visiting other worlds/Earth, and literally meeting his husband- speaking of… Arvish? ...Xo will forever remember what he did to everyone, to all the mortals, his own people even, everyone he hurt and killed- However, Xo holds no grudges, Xo will not haunt him, besides Vark knows deep down Arvish is tormented constantly by his own head, it’s a wonder the old beast hasn’t driven himself insane with all that guilt, Xo has told him before however “You cannot change the past, what’s done is done… However… ...You can make anew for yourself, it all depends on the choices you make in the remainder of your life, so if I were you, I would make the right choices as best I could” Arvish… Took Xo’s words to heart especially, and told Xo he’d try his best.

Also one thing they have to question now… ...Why is it that the mortals want them to say “Memento Mori” so much? Granted, they DO know what it means and even the words “Unus Annus” I mean she knows what BOTH words mean but it seems to hold such value and significance to the mortals...

[blueseakelp]

this became me ranting at you about how i want you to be happy but it’s also very clear im mentally ill. but just know that’s the weird vibe and don’t feel like you have to respond i didn’t mean to write all of this it just kinda....happened . but ily💙💙

i want to send some nice vibes (definitely not cause i’m procrastinating sleep since i know i won’t get enough anyway) so i just wanted to tell you that things really do get better. and i know that’s dumb cliche and might be really annoying unprompted but i just know that being fifteen and feeling so many things at the wrong times and not enough at other times just feels endless and insurmountable. and im not minimizing your issues, things are hard and from the little bit you’ve shared of your actual life you’ve got shit going on. but i just want you to know that for all the complaining i do (and as much as i am still depressed sjdjfjdksks) that things really do get better. slowly you learn how to deal with your feelings and eventually you’ll get out of your parents houses and let me tell you that makes all the difference. and i know everyone’s experience is different and it’s okay to feel down, im not trying to come be like “hey ash be happy you’ll be fine eventually” cause i never want to be that asshole but i just. honestly i wish i could tell my fifteen year old self that we got out and since i cant, you’re getting it instead. but i do hope it helps a little, cause i know having so many friends who are older can make you be like 👀are they still just as depressed as me👀 and i just want you to know that as much as i was just having a ✨mental breakdown✨im still in a better place than i probably ever was at 15. so know that’s coming—and it’s not a “waiting” thing, you keep doing things now to make it better when you can and surviving when you can’t make it better. but just. for the overall horizon, i hope you can know there’s happiness in your future

i wrote the first half of this like two days ago and lost motivation but TODAY im having my fun coffee so guess who’s bouncy and fun??

{i’ve been thinking today “ah i lowkey miss talking to boom” but like. then i finally had the brilliant idea of WAIT HEY THERES ACTUALLY TWO UNANSWERED ASKS IN MY INBOX FROM THEM. MAYBE DO THAT so yeah :))

also like. perception of time is zero my brain is still partly convinced that you sent this yesterday but No it’s been [insert amount of days] days i’m- *in my head: no apologies today nope nope nope* ily thoughhh 🫂💙}

ANYWAYS i’m still not forgetting that you sent this at 3 am, your sleep schedule needs love and care (in every time zone apparently /lh)

i really really appreciate this boom like i cannot tell you. ik im probably just repeating a lot of what i said in my ask but it’s honestly nice to hear from someone who’s past my stage of life. (okay this sounds mean to myself, which is not the vibe i’m going for but i don’t know the right words to communicate it) sometimes i think i kinda just need to pull my head out of my ass and be like “hey! there’s an entire world outside of your problems!”

and like, i think one of the things i’m looking forward to is being able to openly have a support system i guess? like now, i can still kind of depend on people but i have to keep a lot of it secret enough that if my parents start to pry it’s easily fixed. whereas, being out on my own relieves some of that stress. (okay basically what i mostly mean is. i just want to fucking CALL people if i want to instead of waiting for everyone to be out of the house or having to go on walks and worry about my data usage being perceived istg)

one thing i also kind of want to say is. i think it’s possible (and sometimes even helpful) for someone who still isn’t necessarily in the best place to be able to say that it gets better. because like, for me, i lowkey doubt that i’ll ever fully be free of a lot of the Stupid Brain Things and trauma, and i don’t expect things to ever be perfect. i think because you Get what it’s like to still be struggling, it doesn’t feel as much like “things will be perfect and magical once you get where *I* am :))))))” it’s still nice to hear that life improves though, and to be reminded that i’ll have more freedom to invest into what can help make it improve. (and even to be reminded that some of those investments can start now)

anyways, thank you boom!!! i really admire and appreciate you and this was very kind. hugs! 🫂🫂🫂💙💙💙

[chococustard]

((I’m really sorry if I’m becoming too annoying with asks and all that!!! U don’t have to respond!!)) Kind of random, but out of curiosity, do you have any A/B/O AU family headcanons?? I honestly would LOVE to know more about all of them!! Thank you sm!!

!!! NOT AT ALL I ACTUALLY GET SUPER HAPPY WITH YOU LIKING THEM SO HUSH YOU’RE NEVER A BOTHER ASK WHATEVER YOU WANT

legit i have a shit ton of notes in my notebook with my horrible hand writing and basically nonsense notes and while writing the edited ver a) like the dingus i am i accidentally clicked a thing and lost all the answers b) the internet dies haaah

SO YEAH THERE’S A SHIT TON UNDER THE CUT

MIDORIYAs

mido worries about his mom getting overwhelmed by paparazzi so as a pro hero he doesn’t really give off his name to the public and the name midoriya kinda just fades over time

i’m guessing heroes give birth in secluded hospitals who won’t give off their info yeah? but mido’s location got leaked somehow and yu got kidnapped by villains which then todo fucks shit up and got her back so since then they’ve been kinda worried about safety and shit

inko stands in as guardian for school related stuff most often since todo and deku are mostly busy

idk why i kinda hc todo’s mom as an ice dancer or something (look at how that boy works with ice that does not come from endeavor) she used to take the kids to the ice rink and teaches them to skate. todo still holds that place as a safe space and goes to the one a few train stations away from campus after he gets his shit together. he took deku there for their date and ends up also taking the girls there too.

rei gets out at some point, as she gets used to being in society again she stays with inko (and all might//SHOT) at deku’s old room when he got a place with todo. she gets along with them and also mitsuki. they have tea together and share embarrassing stories about their kids it’s great

yu and tsumu plays mostly at tsumu’s house which was closer to the school, they hit it off super well and they even talk about each other to their families, todo and deku are super relieved to know their girl has another friend. yu actually met mirio and tamaki already but are not aware they know her parents

so tsumu one day just “hey you wanna come over for dinner we’re having bbq you should bring your family over!” and they do come over cause why not i guess and then the 2 families meet and damn

their balcony is filled with potted plants courtesy of inko. there’s also a small bottle with a single morning glory flower, wrapped in a blue ribbon and a duck cutout stuck into the dirt

no one uses watashi in the house, yu uses boku, chi uses ore, yu calls them oka-sama and otou-sama and generally uses more formal speech while chi uses the more common -san honorific, not sure if this is relevant of anything but yeah. also todo calls deku bunny from when they started courting (2nd year)

they have a thing with nicknames. obviously deku uses -chan, but also

BAKUGOUs

baku and kiri works as partners tho sometimes kiri helps out with the fatgum office, they have an office at home and basically a small gym

meat. so much meat. there’s always meat in the fridge

baku and kyou both eat with so much fucking spice and chilli kiri’s basically kinda used to it to a point. but if they have the girls over (like when deku’s in heat//SHOT) they have to have extra of the low impact portion. one time chi took the spicy portion by accident, apparently she’s immune

they’re an outdoor family basically. whenver they can they go mountain climbing when kyou is old enough. baku’s chili peppers kept getting stolen by animals, he tries every time to blow them up

baku and kiri dated and courted first, but deku and todo mated first cause of a quirk related accident. but then they got engaged and married first because baku is fucking petty.

baku’s parents fucking love kiri he’s a good boy he’s glad baku somehow ended up with someone so great. baku however have to holds himself back to be a good boy™ to kiri’s more traditional family. he managed somehow

when baku’s parents meet kiri’s they’re shocked to find how they find baku as a charming and wonderful young alpha and they’re glad their eijiro found someone who accepted him. SO MITSUKI OUT OF SPITE INVITES THEM A LOT AND BAKU HAS TO ENDURE SO MUCH SHIT

BAD NEWS FOR HIM CAUSE THEY GET ALONG

“MRS KIRISHIMA WOULD YOU LIKE TOO SEE KATSUKI’S BABY PICTURES?” BAKU, INTERNALLY DETONATES

baku ended up basically deaf so he has to learn sign language, kiri the ever supportive bf learns too, as well as their families, and they also thought it to kyou

friday nights are mario kart nights, no holds bar

the rest of the baku squad (and camie) often visits but since they converted the extra room to baku’s office and their couch isn’t all that big they have to sleep at mido’s place, or borrow their extra futon

kiri, when asked if he wants another kid, “holy shit no it was so hard to get my body back into shape ok and also how the heck do you even hold yourself as a hero not to save people IZUKU SOMEHOW DID IT MORE THAN ONCE IM STILL SHOCKED”

when kyou got his quirk he accidentally burned his bed, then screamed to dad and pop hOLY SHIT I GOT MY QUIRK

he was so proud of it at first and shows it off at schooltho when it's found out that he has little control with it, as lava often seeps through his skin and out of his mouth at random times, almost hurting the other kids, the at first popular kyou was feared by his peers, until yu got her quirk late in the year and was able to put out his lava whenever

"you're not scared of me? even before you got your quirk?" "why would i it's not like you did it on purpose" also like she's used to baku. that goes along for years until kyou presented. yu comes over after school with meds and stuff, but kyou, out of his mind and his body out of his control, attacked her, trapping her in a cascade of hot burning lava. she managed to escape with some mild burn and they kinda got awkward for a while. they're cool eventually

however when yu presented the fear of that happening again got way fucking worse

YAOYOROZUs

momo and kyouka wants to be independant yeah, so they got their own apartment (more of a penthouse if anything) with their own money

a note, dams are gender neutral pronouns for moms, sires for dads

itsu calls momo dad, kyouka mom

since he’s mute since birth, in addittion to sign language, as his interest with music grows they make a system for basic stuff he can make with notes and sequenses as answers where he’s unable to use signs

momo however also makes a list of codes for specific teas

he carries around at least a whistle or kazoo, mostly he uses a harmonica

momo’s parents worries at first about enrolling him into a normal school but momo and kyouka themselves are convident their kid can get along with the other kids

they right, even without his connection as their kid

is he a goth? not really, he just really likes the color black

he also like birds, he has a bunch of photos and encyclopedias of birds in his room

kyouka often holds charity concerts, momo and itsu always comes to support her

IIDAs

it surprised everyone when iida, the rule abiding iida, had ochako pregnant before they got married, so with the power of the iida family they got engaged and married so fucking quick

tho really it was an accident, ocha misscounted her birthcontrol pills during her heat and they’re already courting anyway and their familes are already aware of each other and get along well so whatever

HE WAS ALSO LATE FOR HIS BIRTH BECAUSE HE HAD TO FUCKING OBEY THE GODDAMN TRAFFIC LAW

also i need someone to get me like, you see iida and ura, they cute right, pure and soft. but holy shit when ocha’s in heat she takes no shit and is basically a goddamn dominatrix

they, deku and todo shares a hero agency, so basically when tenma was born they made a baby space for him in their shared office with toys and shit and the sidekicks can play with him, they’re putty in his chubby hands. same thing happened with the tododeku kids. the sidekicks are all okay with this

there’s not many support and rescue heroes, so ocha often gets called in as an instructor at ua, she brings tenma for lessons for her students to safe

tenma likes to hang around the future heroes, he likes to play hero

“senpai senpai do you need help!” “ooh ye see i think i accidentally blew my shoe way up that tree can you get it for me?” “YES!!”

he takes martial arts lessons as early as from 3 years old, as a teenager he’s able to fight midair

TOGATAs

so like not sure yet, tamaki’s either an omega or beta so tsumu is either theirs biologically or adopted so

either way if she’s their biological kid, during his heat tamaki used his quirk when doing the dirty so the genes stick and mutates and shit

aNYWAY

tamaki doesn’t really like making appearances on tv and in public, he even rarely sign for merch deals, tsumugi often finds knock off merch of him and she likes to get it as a kind of joke cause the design was actually kinda funny, mainly this actually

she also likes to find show cameos of him, that too was hilarious

she loves hanging out with aunt nejire they often go shopping, she’s the one who bought her the knock off suneater shirt

“lol you wanna know why your dad’s hero name is suneater?” “what?=D” “tha-” tamaki: NEJIRE I SWEAR TO GOD

also like mirio totally acts like the protective big bro to eri when someone likes her

she likes buff/big bodies, mostly to sleep on, she sleeps on mirio and mr fatgum

she has a bunch of miruko merch cause she’s a rabbit and has strong ass legs and she may or may not have a gay awakening cause of that

here is, in fact, said bootleg shirt

she likes the giant gaping mount

SHINSOUs

SHINSOU’S AN UNDERGROUND HERO FIGHT ME

he teaches the hero course and LIKE HIS DAMN DAD IS A LITTLE SHIT TO HIS CLASS

so he’s the one who changed the entrance exam to make it more fair for kids with quirks that are not flashy his, so the robots are then deligated to the recomendation exam kids while the regular ones gets a basically game of hide and seek with his hero buddies and the older students

i actually have this for his hero costume back from goddamn january i dont even know

i, i have nothing for fuyusei they met at the hospital and they hit it off and that’s….. it

i have even lESS SHIT FOR OJITOORU

ALSO LIKE I FUCKING LOVE THE IDEA THAT ALL MIGHT RUNS A VILLAIN REHAB FACILITY OR SOMETHING WITH ALL HIS MONEY, YOU KNOW, FROM BEATING VILLAINS TO SAVING VILLAINS, AND LIKE INKO HELPS WITH TALKING TO THEM IM WEAK

[jui-imouto-chan]

Part 10 of the Mostly Human AU

Level Select:

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9

Getting through to the last of the suggestions from @manadrite ‘s most recent comment (as of posting this)! I love having suggestions, keep ‘em coming!

Connor isn’t one to get terribly scared. He actually gets a thrill from scary situations.

His sense of self-preservation is startlingly low, for a being granted with immeasurable intelligence. At least, that’s what Hank claims.

Furthermore, Connor loves Horror. From movies to novels to images, he loves things made to be scary.

- Connor may or may not have had a weird crush on Slenderman for like a week. 

Maybe it was the towering height and the lack of a face, or maybe it was the slim fitting suit that made the creature so appealing to him.

Okay maybe Connor has a suit kink.

When he sees Gavin in an officer’s clothing and finds the man slightly attractive, it’s clear that he just straight (pfft) up has a uniform kink.

Connor will take this newfound information to the  g r a v e.

Connor goes to see a horror movie with Hank and the twins, and he’s ecstatic. 

He puts all of the pieces together detective style to figure out how the protagonists are either gonna die or solve the problem while Collin and Conan grip their seats a bit too tight and while Hank mutters flaws about the movie under his breath.

“This scene does not include a lap dance.” 

“What was that?” 

“Nothing!”

By the end of the movie, Collin and Conan had migrated to partially hide behind Connor, and Connor points this out to them.

They lie and say they were getting sleepy, and were dozing off on his seat.

Connor goes with it with a knowing smirk and a wink, mischief twinkling in his eyes.

Connor goes missing one day.

They try to give him a call when he they don’t see him that morning, but they receive no answer.

Hank and the twins storm through the house, upturning furniture and looking under the beds, in the closets, outside. He’s nowhere to be found.

They call up all of his friends, but nobody knows where he is.

The DCPD gets at least fifteen calls all at once reporting Connor missing.

While everyone is freaking out, Connor is actually, in fact, not missing.

He is out for a walk, Sumo at the vet’s for a check up and grooming, and he spots an animal shelter/pet shop. 

There are dogs and cats in cages by the windows, and Connor gravitates towards them without thought to anything else.

He enters the shop and, after talking with the person behind the counter for ten minutes, is surrounded by animals, all vying for his attention.

He’d never seen a cat before this, and honestly, he now holds cats to the same regard as dogs. 

It’s his first time seeing a lot of animals, all of them immensely cute. He giggles when a rabbit nibbles on his pointer finger.

The employee who allowed this to happen is melting against the counter, everything is too much. Too cute. 

The employee pulls out a camera and records, knowing the manager would love to use this as an ad. 

Connor already gave his consent for any media that his interaction might appear in, so it’s all gucci, even though Connor’s too preoccupied with the animals to even realize he’s being recorded.

Connor is there for a few hours, all of the time considered blissful to the android.

The video was sent to the editor as soon as the employee got clips of Connor interacting with each and every one of the animals. 

It's edited impressively quickly, yet still professionally; the editor accredited it to “passion”. 

When the ad goes up on all of the shelter/shop ‘s social media, with Connor tagged in the photo, everything halts.

Connor finally registers that his phone, being sat on by two guinea pigs, is ringing.

He answers it, and is disappointed when he's told to return home immediately by Hank. Hank sounds angry, distressed, and relieved all at once.

The employee reassures him, telling him that he can return whenever he’d like.

There’s an issue when Connor is on his way home, however, as he gets attacked. 

A man tries to mug him with a knife to his throat, pushing him into an alleyway, and while Connor manages to push him away, he doesn’t anticipate the man having accomplices.

He gets a few surprise stab wounds that go into some biocomponents, but their timers are set to at least an hour before he shuts down.

He defeats his attackers and sends Hank his location, telling him that he needs emergency care needs to be taken to Kamski as soon as possible.

His systems kick him into sleep mode against a cold alley wall to preserve thirium, which leaks copiously from his many wounds.

Connor wakes up to the ceiling of Kamski’s “operating” room, vaguely wondering if the past few months had been the equivalent of a dream, if he had imagined all of the friends he’d made and all of the things he’d experienced.

The thought...saddens Connor.

Luckily, a few minutes after he awakens, he hears Hank’s gruff voice and a plethora of footsteps approaching the room he’s in.

Connor goes to sit up, but winces in pain. His movement brings up a prompt, asking if he’d like to interface with the android equivalent of an IV, though it contains a liquid that promotes self-reparation at the cost of his mental capabilities being lowered until his wounds are healed.

TL;DR, it’s the closest Connor can get to pain killing medication.

He accepts the interface and he suddenly feels...oddly happy?

Everything is moving around the slightest bit and Connor can’t help but smile. Everything was great and he was having fun, sitting on the table. 

He giggles drunkenly.

His wounds are slowly closing themselves, and he scoots to the edge of the table while humming an unknown tune. He smiles triumphantly once his knees finally hang over the edge, he kicks them and rocks his head side to side.

When everyone enters the room, he’s surrounded by people and get-well gifts and he’s just so happy. He really doesn’t think of the consequences of his actions.

So that’s exactly why he thanks them all with hugs and kisses, skin tingly and buzzing while his chest feels warm and full.

The members of Jericho are frozen when he gives them all kisses to the cheek, and then all of them simultaneously slap a hand onto their cheek and stare at each other with pink faces. Daniel and Simon both duck their heads while Josh pulls his hood over his face and rugs on the drawstrings. North is suddenly more occupied with poking Markus’ red cheeks and teasing him as he shakes.

Hank tries to fight him off, but eventually relents, ruffling his hair bashfully. Conan and Collin both turn their heads as he approaches their cheeks, leading to him kissing both of them on the lips, though he just laughs good naturedly when they both nod at each other and go to opposite sides of the room, ears red.

Ralph and the Jerrys are surprisingly shy when Connor kisses them, but Ralph gives him a kiss on the cheek back, while the Jerrys all rub their necks and look away with silly grins.

Luther and Kara let Alice take their share of kisses, and she presses a kiss to Connor’s nose.

Rupert tries to escape Connor, but the brunette grabs his sleeve and gives him a kiss to the temple. Rupert immediately tries to flee the room, and Connor waves. Rupert hesitates before waving back and running away.

Connor goes to give Gavin a kiss, too, but the detective shoves a homemade cupcake in his mouth before he can. He still manages to give the guy a hug, though.

Kamski approaches, by Connor’s hug and kiss for him are stolen by Chloe, who had just snapped out of her shock at seeing Connor surrounded by a goddamn harem.

She growls at everyone in the room, sans Alice, Hank, Kara, and Luther.

Kamski is kinda concerned?? People don’t growl like that, wtf.

Also, he’s kinda upset that she’s keeping him from getting affection from his own creation but he’s not about to let his head get ripped off today

Chloe says that there’s too many people in the room, it’s getting late, and that Connor should get some more rest so that he can recover completely.

She tries to sound pleasant, but she really just sounds threatening af

Once she’s sufficiently scared the fuck out of everyone there and gotten them to leave, she puts her hands on Connor’s shoulders and tries to explain that nobody is allowed to touch him bc he’s too precious and, “nobody deserves you. This world doesn’t deserve you. The G-Man in the sky doesn’t even deserve you u pure boi.”

He doesn’t remember a word of this in the morning, but Chloe doesn’t know that.

He goes home in Hank’s car, Sumo already back from the vet and now laying across his lap, and finds out that Conan and Collin are at registration for their next year of college 

(lol idk if thats something u have to go do at college, im 15 and clueless)

Next Level: College Care Packages and Birthday Parties (suggested by @supposedlymatureadult )

X | Continue to Next Level

O | Save Progress and Quit to Main Menu

————————————— •

I think I got carried away with the kissing but I just really wanted Connor to be overly affectionate. At least I didn’t go down the sexual route.

Leave suggestions in the notes or in my ask, along with any questions, comments, and anything else!

Side note: If you want to receive notice of this AU but not the other random things I post/reblog (don’t worry I‘m not offended if that’s the case), I’m marking them all with #Jui’s Mostly Human AU in the tags, so you can follow that instead if that’s preferable!

[daccys-blog]

hello angels ! wink wink. i'm kit, i'm nineteen and i ( never fcuking learned how to read ) use them/they pronouns. to keep it short, i can be really shit at ims or blast u w/ mssgs .... there is no in between and i'm srry ! also, i have discord so if anyone wants to plot or chat on there .... BTSLetMeKnow.mp3 ..... anyway, i've been highkey in love with harry styles for like six years and i'm also very into anime and even more into kpop ! talk 2 me abt bts ? pls. 

to learn all about the muse i'll be playing ( i won't promise this intro is any good .... but when have i ever been good @ intros fhsidguh ), pls continue under the cut ! 

Is that [ HARRY STYLES ]? Nope, that’s [ DACEY WARD ], the [ TWENTY-THREE ] year old human who is [ A PART OF ] the resistance. [ HE ] works as a [ REVEREND ]. People say that [ HE ] is pretty [ + MAGNANIMOUS ] but can be [ - BROODING ]. ( kit / them/they / mdt )

so ! joining this rp is a pretty Big Deal for me bc i get to play ward in a universe where he makes absolute sense. also for the first time. thank u. although the plot has made things challenging in regards to his beliefs, it's honestly so fresh and he can brood Even More ? thank u. anyway .... i'm kinda just jumping into this without a specific format in mind .... just hope i find it along the way ! n hope i don't make it all confusing fhiusdhfg whatever happens after ur finished reading this .... my ims r open and i am up 4 explaining anything necessary to make a plot/connection w/ our charas. 

HIS PAST ///

ward was born on feb 1st, 1994 ( yes this is harry's exact birthday fsdghuih thEY'RE BOTH AQUARIUS ?? MIGHT AS WELL ) 

two hours after his birth, he was handed to an endless system of foster care , being removed from foster home to foster home and waiting to be processed into a new , unknown family . as his age increased , his chances of adoption decreased , and by the age of twelve he convinced himself into forgetting about the idea of having parents , and siblings , and a house where he didn't feel like a stranger .

coincidentally , the year after that he was placed into a long-term home , with a family of three other foster kids and a couple in their forties who had children that had already married and moved away - they needed the money , but that didn't mean they treated ward and the other children like emotionally neglected pets . 

these foster parents taught him the word of the lord . ward had grown up around so many people , each with different opinions and views towards angels , that he hadn't formed an opinion of his own . he just felt pain from the suffering of others , and that was enough to breed hesitance when agreeing to the way angels were captured and held against their will . in one occasion , when he was twelve and hadn't been moved to his long-term home , he shared his views about disliking the way angels were treated ( because in the words of a twelve year old: "it's not their fault they were born that way" ) , and his foster dad at that time ( who had been sharing his own opinions regarding angels which entirely contradicted ward's feelings ) beat him with a broom stick to ' knock some sense into him ' . this is what resulted in ward being moved out of that home . 

he quickly learned that his new foster parents would never do something like that , though . a huge part of him was relieved to learn that they were part of the resistance although he didn't know what it was at that time . 

he didn't share their beliefs right away , though ... it was one thing to be glad about not being beat with a broom because he disliked the way angels were treated , and another thing to accept god into his life . so he didn't , for years . 

as far as he was aware , god was gone . this is what they taught in history classes . he knew that there were groups of people which still believed that god would come back , but there was never much room for thought about them . 

instead , he became an unruly teenager with massive abandonment issues . in his own quiet way he would be defiant of authority and his foster parents , thinking he owed nothing to the world because nothing owned him . nothing really owned him . not like a parent would . nothing like a real parent . 

in his rebellious years , ward experienced a taste of utterly wild youth , until the cancer was detected . he didn't tell anyone about the pain because a part of him wanted it to be a sickness . a part of him wanted to die . a part of him wanted to see what else there was , or wasn't . a part of him always felt like it was living in darkness , anyway . 

he was rushed to the hospital after collapsing down the flight of stairs in his house , effectively fracturing a wrist along the way . after hours of waiting for test results , the news was broken that he had bone cancer in his lower right leg -- right below his kneecap . in the end ward didn't know what to do with the information . he was both terrified and trying to convince himself that it's what he wanted . he was eighteen , about to turn nineteen . 

his foster parents offered the support they could . it wasn't their obligation to pay for ward's hospital bills , or to make sure he was receiving the right treatment , or to make sure he was fine at all , but they took a bit of the burden upon themselves and tried their best to give him mental and emotional support by using the lord's word . 

it was determined that he'd receive almost immediate surgery to remove the cancer before it spread any further -- and through this process ward thought he reached the lowest low with his mental health , but he hadn't been told the surgery had failed yet . that came months after . 

the pain subsided for a while , just for a few months , and then it grew unexpectedly . on his next long stay at the hospital , he was scheduled for an amputation . this was both a period of a total darkness and the appearance of a blazing light . it was when he lost a part of his body but gained a powerful part of his soul when he opened his heart to god . 

after his surgery , ward began recovery and got fitted with an artificial leg . it felt like a beginning , more than anything . in a way he felt like accepting god into his life was almost like being reborn , and he had to learn to walk again . 

when he left the hospital , his entire focus went to studying the word of the lord . his faith grew everyday , praying to god and having the hope that he was listening , praying for his return -- learning what true desire meant . 

his plans to fuck pursuing an education were replaced by the drive to get into a college and major in bible studies . he had the support from his denominational committee to become a reverend for the church he had been occasionally attending during his long term stay at his foster home to indulge his foster parents , but more recently visited several times a week to pray and attend sermons . 

the church was about to close its doors due to the pastor falling ill and unable to tend to it -- there weren't many believers who could fill up the spot , and the church did close for three years while ward studied and did all of the requirements , until a new pastor had it reopened at the nick of time for ward , who right after started working there as a reverend under the guidance of his new pastor . 

nowadays you can find him in the church , giving studies on the different teachings of the bible and occasionally given the opportunity to deliver sunday sermons . 

HIS BELIEFS //

i wanted to include a section for his beliefs since they are a massive part of his life !!

ward has faith that god did not forsake the angels , or humans , and that he will come back . he prays everyday for his return , having the faith that he is listening .

he tries not to question god for the things that have happened , but sometimes he gets a desperate feeling in his chest that has him crying out ' why ? ' . the angels .... rlly haunt him .  he prays a ton for them , but he also can't help but wonder why they fell ... why god left . why would he allow the angels to suffer as much as they have ? as much as they are suffering 

it ... really fucks him up so bad . he often has breakdowns about it . there are two opposite sides playing tug of war inside of him -- one of them is the one that's winning most of the time , the one that doesn't dare question god , and the other side is one who only has small victories but tugs with the force of tidal waves that literally leave him shaking -- the secret side that contemplates whether god is good . 

it burns him a li ve haha a 

although that secret side of him exists , it's something he also prays about . he doesn't want to question god , or have his faith waver , but goddamn ... it's tough when he sees all of the shit the angels are put through ... it really hurts his heart so much . 

that being said , he is not hostile at all toward angels . or thinks he is above them in any way form or shape . he actually worships angels , and hopes for their safety above all else . that is why he is a part of the resistance and would not hesitate to help an angel , in whatever form . he believes they are god's perfect creations that have been tainted by human sins . 

regarding other aspects of his life, though: ward repents for allowing god into his life only until he needed it and not when he was at his doorstep . he repents for all of the sins he's committed in the past and for the sins he continues to commit . he no longer drinks , smokes , or parties . he also doesn't get tattoos anymore unless they're connected to god or religion , and even then , he has only gotten a small tattoos of crosses on his chest and another cross on his right hand . 

HIS PERSONALITY/SMALL FACTS ///

although ward is welcoming of other people and relationships , especially in a church setting ... he can also be hesitant . he will give advice and try to guide anyone who seeks his help with the word of god , and he will listen to people's troubles and be with them in times of need ... but he doesn't do this himself . he keeps it all pent inside and really only speaks to god about what's going on inside of him . 

he has a very long past of abandonment and trust issues that it's almost like an instinct to close himself away but he's trying to heal those parts of himself . just needs some time and all the faith he can have !

with that being said , if you meet him outside of the church , he can come off as very withdrawn , especially in a mundane setting . he tends to be soft spoken and serious , though he's also got some wild in him that loves to laugh and have a good time . you just kinda have to figure out how to get to it . 

it's not really easy getting to know him . he's very private about his personal life and it's very rare when he opens up about something personal , unless he's talking to his pastor .

he doesn't really talk about his experience with cancer either . it was a really tough time in his life that he hasn't healed from and part of him probably never will . the only times when he openly talks about it is when he's retelling his experience of how he let god into his life .

also ! he uses a wooden cane . at first he needed it during his recovery , because it made standing up so much easier and he didn't have to lean on people or tables or chairs . then, he decided to keep the cane with him at all times after one occasion in which he supported himself on a glass table as he stood up and the glass broke and fell on his foot ........ but thank god it fell on his prosthetic foot because that would've hurt like a bitch .

so now his cane is like .... an extension of himself . kind of like how people can't leave their house without their phones , except more important to him . 

he also never mentions it unless someone asks why he uses it . he'll just say he has some leg problems , and if they continue to ask , he'll wonder why they're being nosy and reluctantly say he's got a prosthetic leg . talking to people about it or easily saying he has a prosthetic leg just doesn't come to him . 

going into a new topic, ward doesn't really have a sexual preference , and he doesn't have many sexual tendencies . or romantic ones . he's very unconcerned about a love life in general right now . the closest he gets to experiencing romantic love is when he's performing a wedding ceremony . he has dated in the past though , especially during his teenage years , but he hasn't been in a relationship for a few years now . 

he doesn't tend to go by dacey . there's no real reason why ... he was just called ward as a child by teachers and some foster parents so it stuck around . he introduces himself as ward but doesn't really mind being called dacey ... just throws him off a bit at first , he's not used to it . 

so ! i think i'm gonna leave it off there !! this entire post was pure word vomit fhiusdhf but if you have any plots/connections in mind don't hesitate to hmu , i'll be very excited about them . i'm sorry for the massive mess this was fhdsui but i'm rlly excited to get rolling !! see u on the dash/ims my friens

[simptasia]

ive been fucked up about something the last couple of days. i’ve been feeling a lot of things: anger, sadness, incredulity and denial. like, that denial you get like “it’s okay now, we’re passed it. it’s gonna be fine. it’s just one person”

and i was gonna wait until we finally moved to do this but... no, i can’t

like okay, i need to explain what happened for y’all to get it... okay so, in short, i was... on the 7th of june 2017, that’s two days ago now, two days ago i was on the receiving end of ableist discrimination. because i’m autistic

it’s a long story and i can’t give you every detail, because it’s been days of phone calls with lots of people, but i’ll tell you what you need to know

my mum and i are moving, in fact, we’re buying a house. and this requires lots of paper work and real estate people and lawyers. i’m required to go to every meeting that needs my signature. this has been going on a couple of months now. and yeah, it’s been hard for me, i have chronic fatigue and this has been messing with my sleep patterns. but i’ve been doing it. when i want something bad enough, i will do it. it’s important. i understand what i’m doing

so two days ago, after like 98% of the work has been done (like, seriously we are so close to getting our house) we got a phone call from one of our conveyancers. that’s south australian for “real estate lawyer”. i know her full name but i don’t wanna start shit, so i’ll just call her first name: jade

oh, thanks for ruining one of my future daughter’s names, you FUCK

okay focus sapphire.

she called us a week after we’d met her and had our meeting with her. during which i signed papers. remember that now. also remember that i have been signing papers for almost 2 months now. (during this meeting she was really rude to me but i didn’t mind at the time because that’s tolerate as long as she does her job. i just want my house) anyways jade calls us, saying we’re now suddenly required to supply a doctor’s note proving im of “sound mind”

see, between the meeting and this phone call, jade rung us asking us to go back for another meeting and my mum explained that due to being autistic i get fatigued and that makes it difficult for me to go back and forth to her office several times a week. she wasn’t trying to get me out of it, she was just explaining the situation. so that’s why mum told her i’m autistic. and really why not? there was no reason to to be afraid. to think any of this would happen

and based upon that, this woman made a judgement about me. she wanted proof that i was capable of thinking for myself. for understanding what i’m doing

at first, we were baffled and angry. in fact, i lost my shit. we immediately recognised that this was wrong and absurd

later that day, on the 7th, we went to disability SA to ask if this is something that normally happens. we met a lovely woman named jackie. when we told her about this phone call, she was horrified. she told us this is not something that happens. in fact, she’s never heard of this happening. and for the first time in my life, in that office, i felt what it’s like to have an authority figure on my side

lemme explain something: what was being asked of me is proof of “capacity of mind”, as jackie puts it. and such a thing requires a lengthy process with medical professionals and tribunals. jackie also told me that if mum and i were ever to go to one of these things, they’d think it’s absurd that i’m even there

basically, a GP who barely knows me cannot determine my capacity of mind. and, here’s the most important thing, a fucking real estate lawyer has no right to hear the word “autism” and immediately make the judgement that i’m incapable of signing papers. which is something i did right in front of her. in fact, nobody has that right, ya know why? because it’s discrimination. it’s prejudice. 

it’s ableism

and i honestly think a person like this should not have a say in who does and doesn’t not get a house. somebody who hits the internal panic button when anything to do with neurodivergence and disability comes up. it was her job to make this easier for us and she made it nothing but harder

jackie called jade and she had a very long conversation with jade. asking for the justification for this discrimination. and asking for proof that this company has a policy about people like me. jade could not provide this because this company has no such policy. we found out later from phone calls to other companies and the head of the conveyancers that NONE OF THEM HAVE THIS POLICY

there’s no legal basis for this. the head of the conveyancers, the bank manager, the real estate agent: they were confused and horrified too. they were appalled. every person we’ve talked to has pointed out that this is wrong. actually: illegal

so this wasn’t a fault in the system, this was the prejudice of one person

jackie is a patient person and i could hear her getting frustrated with this jade on the phone. we didn’t hear any of jade’s part of the call, just jackies. but it was very clear what was going on. she refused to listen to jackie, she kept talking over her, she could provide no legal basis for these actions. and she felt (she kept beginning her justifications with “i feel...”) that an autistic person should provide proof that they’re of “sound mind” aka that we have capacity of mind

jackie, my bloody hero, tried her best. explaining things calmly, with all the right words. explaining that i don’t have an intellectual disability or acquired brain damage. and she asked the big question: would you do this for everybody?

would she should have done this with anybody? somebody who’s neurotypical?

if i wasn’t autistic, would i have been treated this way? no. i wouldn’t have

she said if i didn’t get a doctor’s certificate, she wasn’t gonna let us continue. translation: “give me a piece of paper that proves you can think for yourself or you don’t get a house.” later, she gave us a condition, that it could go ahead, as long as my name wasn’t on it. (because apparently my name means nothing)

is the utter absurdity of this clear to you?

in her view, i wasn’t of “sound mind” to own a property

and yes, we could’ve just grit our teeth and got the note. but we had to consult some other people about this first and turns out! this isn’t fucking legal! and yes, i still could’ve got the note but the point is: i shouldn’t have to

i was targeted by a single person’s prejudice

i’m actually kinda relieved, because if it was company policy, i would’ve been so sad for any other neurodivergent and disabled people who want to own a home

like, think about the neurodivergent people out there who are nonverbal. or have some other kind of communication issues. or whatever. for example, we have a friend who has schizophrenia and she owns a home. (before we found out otherwise, we’d wondered if our friend had been subjected to this too) 

do our people not have a right to own a home?? EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS THE RIGHT TO HAVE A HOME. but not to somebody like jade, i guess to her people like me don’t deserve it. we’re not capable. we’re not of “sound mind”

because she heard the word “autistic”, she decided i didn’t deserve what every human being has a basic right to. or at least, should have a right to

if you do all the work that’s required of you to get a home, like i have done, then that is you earning the right to own that home. i understand what i’m doing

i feel like... i’ve been treated less than human

and it’s been a long time since that last happened. it was like one of the ableist bullies i meet online, or went to school with... got a job as an authority figure. she’s a lawyer. she makes decisions for other people’s lives. that’s horrifying.

seeing jackie defend me so beautifully, so brilliantly on the phone was an amazing thing to see. brought me to tears. during my life, i’ve had two people defending me: my mum and me. it’s been us against the whole world

but being in disability SA, it’s like entering another world. a world where people like me are treated like people. i’m a person, gosh damn it! i’m a person...

i never thought i’d see somebody in a position of a authority, somebody who works for the government, defend me. care about me. want to help me.

so, yeah, we’re all friends now

anyways this story has a happy ending. because after all this, we accepted that we’d have to keep working with these people. let me be clear, we’ve very close to getting this house. we didn’t want to start all over. and pulling out with jade, we still would’ve had to pay her. (literally thousands of dollars) so, i was prepared to go my doctor’s office and get that godforsaken note.

(i betcha anything if i did, the doctor would’ve been terribly confused because THIS ISN’T A STANDARD TYPICAL THING THAT HAPPENS IN OUR WORLD)

but yesterday, this is amazing: jade... fired us. she said she refused to work with us for how “impolite and disrespectful” we’ve been to her. (yeah, she’s learnt nothing and refuses to learn anything) and we don’t have to pay her anything!

because it turns out, the head of the conveyancers had a stern chat with jade. you’re not allowed to treat clients this way. and being smart people who want to avoid serious trouble, they waved jade’s fees.

long story short: new lawyer, new company, don’t even have to start all over again. everything we’ve done has been transferred. we’re gonna be fine. better in fact, these new people are cheaper. and we made a friend at disability SA

so, all in all, blessing in disguise

but ya know, still incredibly hurtful and offensive. so what’s the lesson here? this kind of behaviour should never, ever be tolerated. it’s dehumanizing

and with luck, fighting back can get you into a better situation

thank you for your time

[chasing-rabbits]

I dont think the monetizing on your mentally ill page is a bad idea, IF you do it the right way. I think the idea behind spreading the word of mental illness, raising awareness and destigmatizing it is what we need to do. If selling buttons or stickers or shirts or what have you to sell accomplishes this goal then go for it! I would buy a pin that says " __awareness" I would NOT buy a pin that says "SOS my girlfriends bipolar" BUT ur smart and you get it so I doubt you would do that anyway lol

Well considering I have bipolar and bpd and am currently battling stigma from MH professionals yeah I just i see on redbubble the site i use for my vegan designs. Like I looked up bipolar some of it was just horrible like there was these his and hers tops and it was basically correlating bipolar gf w/ crazy etc and i just...idk i find it in v. bad taste especially since i found no evidence to suggest this person has bipolar or any mental illness that is heavily stigmatised. I understand using dark humor to cope but i feel if you are going to sell on the nose dark humor related merch it should be about a disorder you personally have. You know? Also i would not sell even dark humor stuff that uses the word crazy in reference to bipolar. Like when I say dark humor and stuff i mean like i used to follow a blog called self harm shark and some ppl sent it hate saying it glorified it and such but honestly it helped me on tough nights not to cut/not to feel less alone i actually felt less crazy because many user submitted stuff I could relate to and its one of those things where you might think youre alone in feeling this or that and you realise youre not and that is sad sure that someone else experiences it too but it is relieving to know youre not the only one it makes you feel less crazy bcos u realise its not just you so its almost like not normal but its not like youre the only one who experiences it therefore you just idk im not good at explaining it just makes me at least feel less crazy etc. But yeah i mean..idk i just think yeah certain things shouldnt be joked about and i feel like if youre not suffering with said mental illness or dont have a relative or partner or anything with said mental illness you shouldnt really even consider making dark humor or on the nose jokes/humor/memes to sell etc. Cos it comes off as more well..do you actually think that? Are you stigmatising us or thinking these things? Are you trying to make a buck off mental health but you dont care about the mentally ill? You know you just never know someones intentions. I know like for example i woudlnt want to buy vegan merch off someone whose not vegan who doesnt believe in the vegan lifestyle..when I could buy a vegan pin or magnet or coaster set etc from a vegan trying to work hard to make a living its just yeah... I have some designs in mind actually that i have already created for bipolar and mental illness. I actually have one saying my mental illness is not your adjective or something like that. I do have one i created that says ‘bipolar af’ i created it when manic and now ive come out of mania im not entirely sure if its a good idea to sell it or not? I mean im not sure if that is like idk if the as fuck bit makes it sound bad or if it could be misinterpreted and seen as like..the whole using it as an adjective thing like what if people buy it who are like buying it to like use bipolar as an adjective in that terms like you know how people say the weather is so bipolar or quite often bipolar is used to describe someone who just has mood swings or someone who people might define as highly strung or ‘crazy’ idk im not sure if the AF bit makes it seem like thats how its gonna be viewed. I mean to me idk I guess it was just an idea of a shirt or pin etc saying hey im bipolar and you know im not ashamed but in less words...idk if youve noticed but im extremely like anxiety riddled and so worried of being seen as what i despise and that..like worried my designs or words might be misinterpreted or that i might have like a dark humor post or something and maybe it is abit too on the nose or that people might be upset about it or so on. I dont know because no one can police how someone copes with their illness but it is different when that person it putting it out there for sale on pins and stuff you know? Oh btw I am going to be making pins and magnets and other stuff. I am currently working on deciding if i do it through Teepublic/Redbubble or if I use this local manafacturer I found in Leeds (im from good old britland lmfao or brexshitland)  Which might be more costly because Idk that i’d be able to afford to bulk buy the products..i mean I could always do like a uhh thing where whats it called where you have a campaign and you set a limit/target so you say once i reach 100 sales i’ll buy the product and ship it out kinda thing? But idk because i mean what if it takes literally a year to reach 100 sales and people dont want to wait that long. So im not sure...i mean I could do a gofundme maybe but idk how that works..or how to set it up. I really want to focus on my Mental health blog and socials and that combines with my poetry as much of my poetry is mental health related and so recovery related too. So my poetry is less of something i really need to worry about maintaining because i write when i want to when i get inspired or when I need to vent to keep my mental health in check. So i just do it off the cuff as and when and post it to my poetry tumblr. I  have over 500 pieces stock piled that I just need to schedule to my WordPress site. So thats not an issue. So I guess right now I need to work out where to focus iike Mental Health stuff or vegan designs for my Rb or what I could do is just dedicate a day a week to the vegan designs on redbubble as its not very time consuming to create the designs. And then I can upload them like as and when maybe just spend an hour a day uploading designs and making a new instagram post and sharing that on facebook and here.  So then I have 6 days minus an hour a day to work on my mental health stuff which is my main focus and passion tbh. I guess ive been delaying it because ive been strugglign so much lately ive felt like a fraud or felt like i’d be a fraud preaching happiness and recovery and talking about things to help yourself during depressive episodes etc when i was just mooching around watching tv and just feeling blah...you know? I just..I dont know where to start with the mental health stuff and im so afraid of failing and fucking up or being judged and people thinking i suck or like recently i got accused of faking my mental illnesses from a guy in a UK businesses networking group..he sent me a tirade of hate and how he was gonna shame me for being a fake and claimed he had borderline PD and bipolar too and how hes learnt most people fake it and take advantage of the system put in place to help people really mentally ill luckily the admins removed him from the group..but its just..it really got to me you know. My biggest thing is being told im faking it because so many people think borderlines fake their mood shifts because we change happy to suicidal in seconds or at least i do sometimes at my worst..its just hard..i get it can seem attention seeking because we over react to minor issues and arguments but thats literally the definition of our disorder. we are emotionally unstable and we think and like evrything to us is in extremes i love to the max i get angry over reactive to the max i ahve extreme fears of abandonment triggered by slight changes in my relationships w/ people things others might not even pick up on.. idk i got a lot to say and dont know where to start! haha but thank you I will definitely look more into creating mental health based merchandise..

[irashiryuu]

i...don’t know where to go....

i honestly. don’t know what to do......

i just found out something serious. and i have not really spoke about it to anyone other than family and a couple of friends. but.

i just feel. so empty. i always knew something was wrong with me. i.....know that i already knew  this was coming for years. since i had a dream about it and still have till this day. not as often but i have. 

recently found out  i have this condition. thats pretty serious. 

its rare that not much is known about it. i have been writing little notes to myself ever since i found out exactly what i have. i don’t. know how to open it to anyone about it really. i seal everything inside and i just. dont want others to worry about me. i feel awful when i worry those i care about.

im pretty strong thinking about it  now . because everyone around me has been so worried and stressed. that instead of  Me. the one who would be scared and freaking out. im not. im calm about it and im the one thats trying to calm others down about it. about the name. it’s hard to remember but. what i have is called.  Mesenteric Panniculitis.since i suck at explaining things its best to just read it up on here. https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/mesenteric-panniculitis/

honestly? i was not scared. i was relieved that i finally know exactly what i have. even if its rare. ( thats just my luck i get the weird shit.)  i now have to go check myself for breast cancer. -sigh- i dont know what im going to do. but if i have that aswell. its going to be a long. and pianful journey. because my veins are bad to find with the needle in hospitals. everyone has such a hard time. and i suffer so much because either the needle wont draw blood because how bad the veins are. or the skin closes to quickly so i will be constantly pricked at. i had last time on one arm  got pricked in the middle about 5 times. then they tried the wrist area which was about 3 or 4 times. total  maybe 9 times with in a few hours being in the hospital being pricked. they were running out of places where they could try find the vein or where the arm catheter was it just wasn’t enough. they told me the last resort was to put something on my neck that they will draw the blood from and  most likely put medications through. 

my problem is . since i don’t really talk to anyone how i feel since im just like that. i dont like again making anyone worry  and. just. i shut myself out from everyone. i start to over think things. really hoping i dont have tumors and that it spreads through out my body. if i had breast cancer. I already came to accept those terms a long time ago.so id be ok and just be strong as i can be. but. if i have tumors?  or something spreading through out my body? i don’t know how i would be able to handle that. i already feel what i have in my stomach is like a monster inside of me. which i too came to terms with ill probably live with that for the rest of my life. the doctor told me that some people  have it and then heal with the medications. antibiotics and steroids. 

but again knowing my luck. ill be the other percent living with this till i die or something. im not a negative person. im always trying to look on the bright side of things. i also found out my left ovary is  a little bigger than it should be. and on top of that i have a small cyst. which now that explains why im always in pain. ive had pain since i can remember. its so intense sometimes that i just gotten so use to it that i don’t know what its like to not be in pain.my immune system is low because of the medications im taking the steroids and antibiotics. that if i get sick it would be trouble.  as im writing this i just stare at this long post. and just feel like selecting everything and just erase it. like everything i typed up never happened. i don’t know what to think or feel anymore. i feel so. dead? not sure if thats the right word to describe it. but thats about right i suppose. ever since my grandmother passed away about a year ago i suffered a deep depression because she was living with us for a little while. and the day she passed away. was before i was going to bed. we shared a big bed since she slepted in my room. i remember the day as if it were yesterday. when she started coughing and sounded really weird. she was not sick. but her chest was making a noise as if she had flem? and it just kepted getting louder and sounding worse. as my mother was calling the ambulance in the living room. i was beside the bed next to her as she was  in bed talking to me.  all of a sudden she  was drooling. so i started  cleaning her up not thinking really much of what was happening since it was a shock? 

then she suddenly starts rocking back and forth and grabs my hands. looks me straight in the eyes and told me “ I love you”  she continued rockign back and forth just staring at me. and suddenly she passed away on my bed.  my mother was screaming adn crying holding her in her arms  and i just sat on the floor staring. i rememebr walking  downstairs crying letting my dad know what happened and the ambulance people. know what was going on as they rushed up stairs doing cpr and bunch other things. but. in the end she passed away..... and since then i fell into a deep depression for almost a year and a half or so. i was finally feeling better and coming out of the depression. and now i find out these new things happening to me.i suffer from anxiety/panic attacks,bi polar ,parasthesia.. along with other stuff. on top of that i have back problems. pinched nerves and loose disks.....oddly.... im not sad? but i just....... kinda feel. i can’t explain. motionless. and knowing how i am. ill probably sleep into a deep depression again.  and start sleeping alot again and because the pains are to intense. i suppose... i will just end it here...... thanks. i guess. for those..... who took the time to read this.... it was just my inner thoughts......... something i never write but keep to myself.....

[markyishanthonymartinez]

3/10/17

haps haps haps.

good day yay. 

ye

okay so got up and ate a nice healthy breakfast cause growing boys need that kinda stuff ya’know. wait i take it back. not growing boy. never growing. they can't make me grow up if i’m in neverland. 

uh but yes food and got all dapper. 

Just for comparisons sake, I got up about an hour and a half before class to make sure I was completely ready to go to my interview straight after class. Bags got up about 15 minutes before class. 

Walked to class. I’d hate to say this, but paid very minimal attention in class. Just couldn't do it today. Took notes here and there, but I was pretty checked out and played pokemon on my phone lol. 

Then went to the ecc with poles, jeff, jt, bags, ya’know the usual. I printed out resumes and researched southwest gas and listened to the best of tunes. oh also i studied for our quiz in systems. 

quiz sucked.

i hate systems.

wait no i take that back. i wouldn't actually know if i hate systems because i don't really know what systems is because our teacher is a fucking jfapoiehgalkdhg;ajkr. one of those. 

but yes so v frustrating it makes me want to lay in a hole and not get out of that hole ever.

dipped tf outta there after the quiz. wanted to get on the way to carson. but poles said the last half our of class was a huge waste of time so i really didn't miss that much. 

walked to jeff’s, hopped in da whip, went to carson.

the drive was super lax, i had never made that drive before and really didn't know what to expect, but it was cakey wakey. buuuut, i could definitely imagine it being a headache if there was poopy weather, so hopefully that never happens ever when i make the drive. (it will duh)

got to carson pretty early, but that’s exactly what i was planning on. went to walmart, copped a padfolio cause i had been needing one anyways and this was the perfect excuse to finally get one. then was v hungry and i realized that i defs didn't want to tummy rumbling and grumbling during my interview so i hit up the yelp-mobile. decided on this chinese place across the street, went. it was super quiet and qt. got yummy food. probably ate too fast but i was nervous okay. sat in my car practicing interview questions and ya’know, just making sure i hadn't nervously forgotten the entire english language. 

i hadn't.

for the most part.

hit up yung linda, she let me in the front door. sat me down in the conference room and that was where i waited nervously. not that nervously tbh. the mountains looked rly prtty outside the window so i kinda just leaned back and took them in. 

then the ladies who were interviewing me came along.

(okay this is gonna sound kinda dickish, but i was immediately relieved when i found out it was two women who would be interviewing me cause idk i know i’m charming and clever and i think i’m most effective in those things with the opposite gender)

that wasn't really that dickish. just saying it gave me a bit more comfort/confidence. 

they had a lot of fucking questions

so many

sooooo many

like 12. but not like twelve little “oh hi, 1. what is ur name? 2. why are you dumb?” but like full multiple-part, open-ended, thought-inducing, questions. hellllla putting me on the spot. honestly i slipped up on when and kinda lied lmao. but other than that i was clutchhhhhh. idk they seemed to like me. i talked a lot but they seemed okay with it so why the heck not, i love talking about myself. 

LMAO NO THAT SOUNDS SO DICKISH. i mean i do, but idk. doesn't everyone love telling other people about things they’re passionate about? like that’s something i crave. not only to tell people and share my own passions, but to allow people to tell me their passions and have them shared with me. passion is a great thing. (i’m probably just saying that cause i’m 1000% the most overly passionate person on planet earth).

but yeah answered hellllla questions and did my thang. then they had me talk to another dude after them, cause i guess he wanted me to “stop by his office.” he asked me “those” questions. greatest strength. greatest weakness. why should we hire you?

those are pretty standard and i was ready for them, but, this goes back to what i was saying earlier, he was so much harder to manipulate with my language. like he wouldn't react to things i said in the way you’re supposed to.

“supposed to” lol

this totally isn't a sexist thing tbh. maybe it’s just that most guys suck at talking lol. 

like me

but yeah i thought it went really well and fingers crossed, i should know in a few weeks is what they said.

fingees crossed.

drove back, listened to a lot of angry music. i promise it wasn't me, shuffle was just feeling angry so i went with the flow. 

got back, played some video juegos, changed.

then i went to get hellllla unlimited steggs with poles. which really meant get one serving of eggs and just keep asking for more steak. 

at first we were just chilling, eating our steggs, watching that march madness action. 

but

then the boiiiiii, the one and only, the man the myth the legend, double b spots us from across the room and waves to poles.

lol not me, i swear he only waved to poles. dead serious. kinda sad

but then he came over to us and sat with us and we all started talkin’ it up, what we’ve been up to, how stuffs going, the usual.

but then that yung nevada game starts and we start talking about sports and you couldn't shut us up if you tried. i never realized brett was so into sports, but being able to have multiple conversations about different sports and different aspects of them and all encompassing ish was so clutch. he was our boy the whole night. then brian poles rolled up with his bae and one of his homies and we became the popular af table. met hella tke’s cause apparently everyone loves brett. 

nevada won, this puts them one game away from the automatic bid to the tourney and i am so hyyyyyyyyype. the comeback was too real. 

talked it up with a bunch of homies, came home, played some games with kyle, decided i was done, been sitting in my room alone typing this out for about an hour now. 

final thoughts: 

um im not trying to toot my own horn here, but sometimes i feel like my brain is hecka great. like idk how is it that i can develop well-thought ideas about math and the government and energy and sports and religion and politics and psychology and so so so so so many things that i am interested in, meanwhile there’s still people sharing obviously fake articles on facebook without reading them.

like idk yin yang i guess.

dab on em//stay beautiful

- mark gasthony martinez