#but I've learned the hard way people get really offended if you suggest the possibility

[flimsy-roost]

watching autistic traits pop up one by one in a particular branch of the family, partner and I looking at each other like who's gonna tell them are you gonna tell them? I'm not gonna tell them

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! I'm an ESTJ (22F) and have had 4-5 incidents in my life where I've upset people badly because of my insensitivity. For example, when I was a teen, a friend wanted to go somewhere for a group outing, but I dismissed their idea and suggested going somewhere else which everyone agreed to, making that friend feel angry and unheard. Things like that. In the moment, I don't realise my actions can hurt people badly because personally, I wouldn't be hurt by that. But after going through several similar incidents, I realised the problem was indeed myself. So I’ve been working hard on being more tactful and considerate of other people’s feelings. Globally, my efforts seem to have paid off and my friends confirmed that I seem to have softened.

However, I’ve recently hurt a new friend (she’s an INTJ, 22F) because of this same lack of consideration. I damaged her trust in me when I told her that I’ve shared a personal experience of hers to friends of mine. At the time, I didn’t think that it was a secret and thought it’d be good to share her experience as to spread awareness. But she told me she was upset, and I could understand why, so I offered a sincere apology, which she accepted.

We started texting again, but only a few weeks later, I joke and say we don’t want to date frail guys because they wouldn’t be able to princess-carry us without getting crushed. I formulated the joke badly, and it could’ve sounded like I was saying that guys would get crushed under HER weight. She tells me that she’s insecure about her weight and even though she said she knew it was not my intention to say “You’re so heavy that guys would get crushed under your weight if they tried to carry you”, I am still told off quite sternly for the joke. I apologise immediately and feel very bad. It’s only been a moment after I’ve hurt once and here I am, hurting her once again.

However, this time, I also feel upset that she chose to interpret my words in the worst way possible. Badly formulating the joke was my fault, but she knew it was not my intention to say something mean. I feel like, in consideration of the previous incident, she still silently holds a grudge against me, so that the moment I slip up, she decides to have the most intense reaction to prove that I have done her wrong once again.

I have two interrogations concerning this:

- How should I deal with this friend? She still quietly holds onto my past mistake and I might have to continue walking on eggshells around her because it feels like she’s a lot less tolerant of any of my slip-ups. However, we don’t have the same type of sensibility from the get-go which highly increases the chance of me saying something that upsets her even if it’s far from my intention to do so. Should I graciously let our friendship go?

- It’s disheartening to see that even after making great efforts to avoid hurting others, I still manage to hurt them in the same way I did in the past. Of course, these kinds of incidents are a lot rarer now, but they still happen and it’s enough to cause damage in my newer relationships and it makes me feel I haven’t changed much… I don't want to upset any more people. Do you have any thoughts or advice concerning this?

Thank you for reading me and for your time dedicated to this blog, I really appreciate it!

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When a problem recurs like this, it's a sign that there's a lot more to it than you first thought. Are you ready to get into the complexities of what it means to be "insensitive"?

There is no way to speak such that you never offend anyone. The fact of the matter is that you'll never know everything about a person, so you can't always predict what will upset them. The older someone is when you meet them, the more hidden baggage there is to contend with. When you're getting to know someone, you have to accept the fact that toes will get stepped on. IMO, you actually have to welcome and embrace those painful moments as opportunities to learn about each other's preferences. Can you shift your attitude to one of acceptance rather than blame (requires Si)? Whether it's blaming yourself or others, it is always counterproductive because of its narrow focus on shaming and punishing. Blame doesn't help and usually leaves everyone feeling worse off.

If the relationship is meant to progress and thrive, both parties have to be willing and mature enough to work through misunderstandings in order to come out more knowledgeable and better prepared to treat each other well in the future. When someone isn't willing to give you the benefit of the doubt or is absolutely intent on seeing the worst in you even after you've tried to make amends, you can speak up for yourself, make your intentions/desires about the relationship crystal clear, and make a reasonable request of them to be more patient and forgiving. However, you don't have control over people. If they just can't trust you because of their own personal reasons, then they just can't, and then you have to make a thoughtful decision about how much emotion to keep investing in the relationship.

I understand your frustration with this insensitivity issue because I've actually witnessed many ESTJs around me struggle with it throughout my life. At the end of the day, I'm about the furthest you can get from being ESTJ myself, so there's only so far I can get in breaking down the problem for you. The rest is for you to reflect on and put into practice. There are several points to chew on and digest:

I. Lack of Restraint

Te+Ne often produces the trait of being overeager to act, for example: leaping before looking, speaking before thinking, judging before knowing, deciding before deliberating, etc. This can easily be taken too far into social recklessness. Extraverts tend to be rapidly stimulated by socializing and it's easy for them to get caught up in the moment and just blurt out whatever is on their mind.

Unless you've been abnormally sheltered, years of socializing experience should've already taught you that there are certain topics of conversation that are risky to broach due to their potential for inducing conflict, hurt, or suffering. If you need concrete examples, anything related to:

age; ageism; bodily functions; health issues; death; dying

spirituality; religion; religious beliefs and values

politics; hot button political issues/debates

workplace gossip, relationships, or politics

money; income; personal finances; class; classism

physical appearance; height; weight; lookism; disability; ableism

mental health; mental disorders; psychological issues

private sensitivities, vulnerabilities, shames, or traumas

troubling, problematic, or painful intimate relationship experiences

sex; gender identity; sexism; sexuality; sexual orientation; homo/bi/trans erasure or phobia

ethnicity; ethnocentrism; cultural beliefs and values; cultural insensitivity; cultural appropriation; race; racism; xenophobia

social constructs like etiquette; norms; language; intelligence; justice; love

There are a variety of approaches people choose for handling these topics. E.g.: Some people avoid them altogether in hopes of staying out of trouble. Some prefer obliviousness because they have no interest or can't personally relate. Some resist reflection on them and don't want to care about social consequences. Some purposely bring them up to provoke or push their beliefs.

I don't like to dictate how people behave. The most I can say is: Anyone who hopes to have great social skills and increase their odds of experiencing meaningful relationships ought to:

take time to properly understand why these topics are fraught and difficult for some people to talk about

carefully consider what their own beliefs/values are in relation to these topics and whether they are well-reasoned

approach the topics thoughtfully and respectfully in conversation

be willing to listen and adjust their attitude/approach upon receiving negative feedback

have an effective communication strategy for working through misunderstandings, disagreements, and conflicts

For ESTJs, the remedy to lack of restraint is Si development. There are two aspects: (1) Si awareness leads people to be more attentive, conscientious, methodical, and circumspect - all of which are generally important when it comes to successful risk-taking. When you make yourself more aware of risk and danger, you'll naturally proceed more cautiously. (2) Si encourages you to develop and follow reliable rules of propriety for navigating difficult situations. You get to choose your method of approach. When you don't have a method, you're flying blind, and chaos is not far behind.

II. Lack of Boundary Awareness

Common manifestations of boundary issues include: freely offering up opinions and advice; trying to solve people's problems for them; telling people what to do ("for their own good"); being judgmental and critical of people's shortcomings or vulnerabilities. ESTJs often believe that they are showing care through these behaviors, but that's only true if the behavior was invited and wanted by the receiver. When it is uninvited and unwanted, these behaviors are all forms of trespassing onto the other person's personal space or violating their rights to privacy and self-determination.

When Si and Fi are underdeveloped, ESTJs have a primitive understanding of the concept of "privacy". This can manifest in two common ways:

(1) Generally speaking, they don't think much about private things, let alone talk about them. This means they tend to assume that if someone talks about something openly, it's not considered private.

E.g. What does the word "share" mean to you? If someone shares an experience with you, does it mean that it's now yours to do with as you please? Nope. That experience still doesn't belong to you.

(2) Generally speaking, they don't understand that different people have different privacy preferences and boundaries.

One reason people learn about type is that they want to learn about individual differences and how to reduce conflict when navigating them in a relationship. One of the basic lessons type theory imparts is that applying your own type preferences to someone of another type can lead to conflict if you end up disrespecting their type.

For example, did you know that Ni doms tend to be intensely private people? There are many reasons behind it. One being that they are statistically the least populated types in society. Simply by virtue of being the smallest minority, they are the most likely to feel unseen, unappreciated, or misunderstood by people and society at large. Many Ni doms are wary of opening up because they have a special way of looking at the world that is repeatedly met with some form of invalidation by others. This makes it understandable that they can be slow to trust people and even actively look out for proof of untrustworthiness. Regardless of your intention, acts of insensitivity serve as evidence to them that you don't really understand them and thus can't really be there for them. Knowing this, is there something you can do to reassure them of your trustworthiness?

In other words, some people have a wider privacy boundary than others for reasons that you may not be aware of. ESTJs tend to keep fewer things private than INTJs. Before you talk about someone in their absence, you ought to think twice about whether the information you're about to disclose about them is considered private to them. If you're uncertain, that's all the more reason to be cautious, because it means you don't know them very well and haven't been granted license to talk about them as though you do.

When in doubt, it is best to clarify a person's privacy preferences through good communication and obtain consent before you offer up information about them to others. If you want to show people that you care about them and can be trusted, you ought to take time to understand their personal concept of privacy so that you can guard and protect it as well as they do.

III. Lack of Discretion

ESTJs often don't realize how gossipy they can be. In the heat of conversation, they bring up whatever points they believe are relevant or helpful, without considering the social consequences.

Remember that privacy is necessary because information about people can serve as a kind of currency. It can be traded for personal gain. It can be exploited to hurt someone on purpose. It can be used to treat someone unfairly. Just as you wouldn't walk down the street waving hundred dollar bills around, you shouldn't be careless with releasing information about people.

A simple example: Imagine you suffer from depression but you manage it well and live your life smoothly, perhaps even capable of doing your job better than your colleagues. Would you disclose your depression in a job interview? You shouldn't, because, due to societal stigmas surrounding mental illness, the interviewer might unfairly judge you as an inferior candidate compared to someone without depression, regardless of your actual work performance. Now imagine a friend of yours had talked about your experience of depression to help out someone also suffering, and then that very someone turned out to be one of your rivals for a job position. They could exploit information about your depression to sabotage your chances without you ever knowing.

The word "discretion" is related to the word "discernment", which means "to exhibit good judgment". How is this related to relationships? Due to inferior Fi, ESTJs often have very primitive notions of fairness and equality. They tend to make the logical error of believing that being fair/equal means treating everyone the same or seeing everyone as being the same.

The relationships in your life are not all the same. Some people should mean more to you than others because they are closer to you. Some people should be categorized differently because they serve different purposes in your life. Some people should be treated differently because of the specific relationship dynamic they have with you that others don't have with you.

To exercise good judgment in relationships, you have to understand that 1) each relationship is unique because the individual you're dealing with is unique, and thusly 2) every relationship requires a somewhat different strategy for maintenance and development. Successful relationships require thoughtfulness, which is why they're hard work.

On the surface, it may seem like a noble idea to treat everyone the same, but, in reality, it ends up looking as though people are basically interchangeable to you, to be used or replaced at whim. Why? You don't recognize all the things that make each person an individual. Most importantly, by not properly acknowledging individuality, it doesn't occur to you that it's necessary to learn about and accommodate each person's unique set of needs, desires, preferences, sensitivities, identities, and personality traits.

To know how to honor people's individuality is related to your introverted development. Through developing Si and Fi, you'll better understand the importance of your own individuality, and why it's necessary to nurture and protect it. This then gradually allows you to see, respect, and fully appreciate other people's individuality as well.

IV. Weak or Inconsistent Values

Oftentimes, there isn't productive discussion about "what really happened" when feelings get hurt, people are emotionally reactive, and fingers are being pointed. In the end, the easiest way through the conflict is for someone to apologize and the other to forgive. Or else break up. Are these really the only two options?

Ts tend to understand insensitivity simply as "accidentally saying the wrong thing". However, this is a very superficial way of looking at it. While I understand that T insensitivity is usually not a result of maliciousness, others might not be capable of such insight when they're feeling hurt and emotional. Regardless of what you originally intended, what do others think when you behave insensitively?

Firstly, it shows them a kind of carelessness, thoughtlessness, or even callousness, depending on the severity of the infraction. When you are too loose and casual with something that is of great importance to someone, they will see you as not really caring about it and, by extension, not really caring about them.

Secondly, it shows them that there is something lacking in your moral values. When people observe that you don't value the same things as them, it brings into very sharp focus the differences between you, which makes it easier to lose sight of the commonalities. Without a strong sense of commonality or "being in it together", the foundation of the relationship starts to crack, the feeling of emotional connection erodes, and then the willingness to keep the relationship going weakens. The more that differences of values appear to build up between you, the faster the relationship deteriorates. This is true for friendship and romance.

These two points are meant to explain to you the process of how exactly insensitivity damages a relationship. It's not meant to trigger self-reproach, but to allow you more insight into how you are seen by others, so that you have an opportunity to change how you come across to them.

When Si and Fi are underdeveloped, the fact is that ESTJs don't hold much sacred. While this is a personal choice, it can come across to others as a negative trait if it leads you to unwittingly trample all over what they hold sacred. Developing Si and Fi should help you improve on this aspect of the problem. There are two prongs of attack:

(1) Preventative Measures: As I outlined earlier, be more thoughtful about topics that are controversial but of great importance to the people you're interacting with. Start by clarifying your beliefs and values and what you hold sacred. Then, learn more about what the other person believes, values, and holds sacred.

For relationship development: Appreciate and regularly reinforce the common ground between you. Also work to alleviate the differences between you, either by reconsidering your beliefs/values in light of the new information they provided, or finding a way to agree to disagree about the points that you haven't yet been able to reconcile together.

(2) Healing Measures: There's no use crying over spilled milk, throwing around blame, or punishing yourself with unending guilt. When something has already happened, accept the reality of it, and figure out how best to mend what was damaged or broken.

Healing is usually best achieved through open and honest communication, to properly process the event so that both parties can achieve a sense of closure and move on from any hard feelings. However, remember that you can't control how others feel, and strong emotions take time to fade away. Never expect immediate results. You can only try your best to put hard feelings to bed, and then allow the other person time and space to heal.

The first time you offended your friend, it was over a matter of privacy. As explained earlier, you could show your commitment to doing better by actively learning more about her privacy preferences, understanding the reasons behind those preferences, and making a vow to honor and protect them in the future.

The second time you offended her, it was because you did not give enough thought to or place enough value on something that has a great impact on her life. While it was unintentional, you still have to confront the hurt, otherwise, there's no moving forward. Perhaps you can explain how you didn't see it that way because your personal experience has been different, but, since you've had a chance to hear about how important it is to her, it is now important to you. If you want a close relationship with someone, what's important to them should be important to you as well, as a way to show care, consideration, and solidarity in helping to shoulder their hardships. When people have a strong belief and value system, one important way to show you care about them is to consistently step up and stand up for those beliefs and values as an ally.

To heal a conflict, you must reinstill confidence in the relationship. By taking time to properly understand her point of view and taking steps to show her that her beliefs and values are also important to you, she is more likely to feel reassured and regain confidence that the friendship is worth salvaging and nurturing.

[ultimate-marysue]

I've received some very bad news at the vet and I'm going to cope through Nightwing Angst baby!

Tw: mentions of possible animal death/illness. Nothing really happens in the end, Haley is okay and not in distress at any point.

Dick Grayson is not faint of heart. He's been in the vigilante business since he was twelve, far longer than most adult leaguers. Nightwing is a professional through and through. In the middle of a crisis you can always count on him to lead the way, Batman's steely determination and Superman's hopeful smile. He is one of the best at what he does, and what he does is save people and put bad guys in prison. It is a hard job, dealing with death, violence and humanity's worst.

Nightwing is a seasoned vigilante, capable of remaining calm through world ending crisis. He is the one other heros look to when things get bleak. He's always there to reassure them things will work out fine. He's use to pretending everything is under control, trying to keep his younger siblings calm. Trying to to keep the heat off of Batman so he can focus on the plan. It's all an old song and dance for him.

It is safe to say, he's not in the least bit squeamish around blood (or other fluids). He can handle tragedy with grace, not crumbling until he is alone. Bruce gets overstimulated more easily than he wants to admit. Cass and Damian still struggle sometimes in the face of weeping victims. Tim, stars bless him, does as well as he can with his anxiety and depression. And Jason... Jason thinks hiding his emotions behind righteous fury somehow helps. But not Dick, not the oldest of them. He keeps it together, that's his super power. Still...there are moments. Moments when even him can't control his own body.

It is silly, really. The technician is explaining when they expect to get the results, Haley happily wagging her tail, completely oblivious to the conversation. He's handling it well, nodding along to the veterinarian's reassurances that it may not be something bad. But he also knows that if it is indeed bad, it's gonna be really bad. As they go on about possible treatment depending on the results, he focuses on the blood samples and it's absolutely ridiculous. He's seen the most gruesome crime scenes right after dinner, it's just a couple of microscope slides. And suddenly it is too much.

He isn't sure exactly what is that does it, but he recognizes the symptoms of a fainting spell just about when he's starting to sway. The technician rushes him to lay down on the floor as the world goes in and out of focus. They offer him candy, and he wants to laugh. He does. A bit hysterical, but he reassures the tech he's doing okay. He realizes they're on a different room, an old man with an even older looking Terrier gives him a sympathetic look.

"You know, they say low blood pressure is a guarantee of a long life"

Dick smiles back at him, joking about not making it to med school but making it to 99. The veterinarian comes back with a Zesti that he dutifully chugs. She tells him that this happens often, and the technician suggests it's the mixture of emotion and a close hot space. Dick suggests fainting couches and everyone laughs. He tries really hard not to die of embarrassment, keeping the smile all the way to his house. He starts crying, then laughing at how ridiculous his life is, then crying once again.

When he comes back for the results, the veterinarian suggests that he sits down in case he also faints from relief. Dick laughs, this time genuine, and thanks them for their good work. It makes him smile to think that he can reset his own bones, and yet he's unable to handle the veterinarian. He considers telling the others, if only to share the pure hilarity now that everything was good. He decided against it in the end: Jason would probably be very offended to learn he fainted for Haley and not for him.

[mellometal]

Is it time to tear ANOTHER Dhar Mann video to shreds? YOU BET.

I've been sitting on this one for a bit because I wanted to make sure I talk about this tactfully. The subject of parents abandoning their disabled children is a very touchy one.

Parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled is way too common. Like, I understand that not everyone has the resources to care for a disabled child (which is why you reach out for help, and why people like me, who work with disabled people, exist), but it doesn't mean you just walk out of their life. There are exceptions, like if you truly didn't want children or something like that, but just flat-out walking out of your kid's life BECAUSE they're disabled is fucked up.

I know someone personally whose biological mother abandoned her when she was born. Why? Because she's disabled. Physically, and mentally, to a point. I work with this woman on a daily basis. I don't really know WHY exactly her biological mother abandoned her, but I do know that her being disabled was part of it. It's sad. It doesn't affect her, thankfully. I'm happy that she's got her biological dad, her brother, and another maternal figure in her life, at least.

ANYWAYS. Before we get to the topic at hand, I need to put an obligatory trigger warning, like I do with EVERY Dhar Mann post:

This post will be talking about parents abandoning their disabled children simply for being disabled, treating disabilities like they're tragedies (in this case, we're talking about autism...again), divorce, and some SPICY ableist bullshit from an allistic (nonautistic) PIECE OF SHIT.

If any of this triggers you or makes you uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. This isn't worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. I would never ask for any of you to put yourselves in that position all for a post. Put your mental health and well-being first. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

As far as my response goes, it's definitely more calm than normal. Funny....since this video is about autism spectrum disorder again. (Third time's the charm, huh, Dhar Mann? NOT.)

LET'S FUCKING GET IT.

The video starts off with these two parents (Gwen and Allen) in a psychologist's office. The psychologist tells the parents that their son (Chance) is autistic, and she tries to explain what autism is to the parents, but Allen cuts her off. Why? Because he teaches at a prestigious university, so he AUTOMATICALLY knows what autism is from that fact alone.

Um, excuse me? Just because you're a teacher at a prestigious university, it doesn't mean you're an expert in everything. It doesn't make you an expert in ASD or anything like that. Unless you SPECIALIZE in that area. Even then, shut the fuck up. The people who know about being autistic are AUTISTIC PEOPLE THEMSELVES! SHOCKER.

Hey, Dhar Mann! QUIT WITH THE VIDEOS ABOUT AUTISTIC LITTLE WHITE BOYS AND YOUNG WHITE AUTISTIC CISHET MEN! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT. It's annoying, ignorant, and it feels like you're doing this on purpose at this point to piss people off. If you're so uninformed about autism in women and girls, FUCKING ASK AUTISTIC WOMEN AND GIRLS! DO BETTER RESEARCH THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE AUTISM SPEAKS. The Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN) are great organizations to go to for any kind of research on ASD in women and girls. STOP GOING OFF OF THE BRAINS OF AUTISTIC WHITE BOYS AND AUTISTIC WHITE MEN.

I don't feel I need to go too deep into the fact that autistic women, autistic girls, autistic nonbinary people, autistic BIPOC, autistic AAPI, autistic LGBT people, autistic teenagers, and autistic adults exist. Y'all already know.

Gwen asks the psychologist if that means Chance isn't healthy. (I understand not knowing about autism, but don't treat it like it's a terminal illness. Please.) The psychologist tells her that Chance is fine, but he just learns differently and might need more support compared to his peers.

Yeah, autism can affect how you learn about certain things (limited and repetitive patterns), but there are other disabilities that can affect learning as well. Like how dyslexia can affect your ability to read, dyspraxia can affect your ability to do math, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) can affect your ability to focus or on impulse control. Autism affects how your brain is developed, it affects you socially, behaviorally, and how you communicate.

Allen is upset, says that he can't have a son "with a learning disability" (ASD is a neurological disability, not necessarily a learning disability), and treats Chance like he's stupid for being autistic. Gwen tells her husband that autism doesn't make you any less intelligent, WHICH IS SO FUCKING TRUE. ABSOLUTE FACTS. I was totally with her until she began that little monologue with "Just because a person HAS autism". SAY "JUST BECAUSE A PERSON'S AUTISTIC" INSTEAD! IT'S NOT HARD. PERSON FIRST LANGUAGE ISN'T WHAT EVERY DISABLED PERSON PREFERS. Allen says that "they could have another kid" and "put Chance up for adoption". Gwen obviously wasn't down with that. Allen gives his wife an ultimatum that it's either HIM or their son Chance. Gwen says that she can't choose between the two, but she will stand by her autistic son. Allen gets up and leaves the office, saying he wants a divorce.

Years pass by, Gwen is single and taking care of her autistic son Chance, and Allen has a new life with a ✨perfect son✨ (Samuel). He never mentions the son HE abandoned (Chance). He's completely forgotten about Gwen and Chance. (YOU OWE SO MUCH CHILD SUPPORT, ALLEN.)

Hey, Allen, how much do you wanna bet that your ✨perfect son✨ Samuel is autistic too?

There's the SATs, they're announcing a winner, and guess who it is? IT'S OBVIOUSLY CHANCE, OF COURSE. He's got the highest score in the country, with Samuel in second place. Allen is PISSED.

Chance gives a speech about how his mom really helped him, he struggled with autism, how Allen LITERALLY ABANDONED HIM, and THE CROWD GOES FUCKING WILD. Samuel, instead of being a sore loser, APPLAUDS FOR CHANCE. Stay humble, Sam.

My thoughts on the video? If you cannot tell by my tone throughout this post, IT WAS DOG SHIT. This video was insensitive to the true reality of parents abandoning their disabled children just because they're disabled. What do I expect from Dhar Mann at this point?

Here's my response to his video below. Don't worry, I will fully type out my response soon for anyone who cannot read the screenshots easily. It's a lot easier for me to do that on the desktop site than it is for me to do it on my phone.

For anyone who can’t read my response, I’m typing it out for you. Like I said, it’s easier for me to type it out on the desktop site than it is for me to type it out on my phone. It’s a real royal pain in the ass. But because I’m trying to make my posts easier to read for people, I’m doing this anyway. /lighthearted

First, second, and third screenshots (broken up into paragraphs):

Hey, listen, I appreciate the message you’re trying to go for, but can you please stop putting autistic people into a box? Can you stop treating being autistic like it’s a tragedy? Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school who’s considered “wild and unruly” or “super quiet and makes no friends”, nor are they a young white cishet man who’s a super genius or is how Chris Chan was before she came out as trans. (For anyone who doesn’t know about Chris Chan, there are many documentaries people have made on YouTube, and I highly recommend Geno Samuel’s docuseries, if you’re really interested in learning about Chris Chan.)

Autistic women, girls, nonbinary people, BIPOC, APPI, LGBT people, teenagers, and adults all exist too. 

It’s very apparent now that you get your resources from Autism $peaks, a hate group that spends the vast majority of their money on funding eugenics instead of helping autistic people like they claim, claims that only little white boys and young white cishet men are autistic and ignores all other autistic people who don’t fit that description, have no autistic people on their leader board or on any board for that matter, have members who have actually fantasized about k1lling their autistic children, treat autism like it’s a tragedy or a disease someone can catch (completely false), act like autism should be cured (there is no cure, and ABA therapy is a total shit show in itself), and treats autistic people like they’re broken and need to be fixed. Also, not every autistic person is a Super Genius(tm). That’s so demeaning to autistic people who aren’t seen as intelligent in any way. I’m autistic and seen as smart; however, there are subjects I’m stronger in than others.

If you can’t handle the possibility of having autistic children, or just disabled children in general, DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. If you can’t handle working with or alongside disabled people, including autistic people, maybe find a different profession. Even if you do that, you’ll never get away from disabled people. Disabled people aren’t a disease. We’re human beings just like neurotypical and able-bodied people.

Fourth and fifth screenshots (broken up into paragraphs): 

I would highly suggest getting resources from reputable organizations for ASD, such as the Autism Self Advocacy Network (ASAN) and the Autistic Women and Nonbinary People Network (AWN). Talk to any autistic person who isn’t a little white boy or a young white cishet man. 

Instead of using the puzzle piece, which is a symbol that many autistic people, myself included, are offended by (because of Autism $peaks and other organizations before them using it, plus it symbolizes that only autistic children exist and that we’re “missing a piece” like we’re broken), use the rainbow infinity sign (for all neurodivergent people) or the red and gold infinity sign (just for autistic people). Instead of “lighting it up blue”, light it up red or gold. Do both if you want. 

I’m actually really sick and tired of seeing just autistic little white boys and young autistic white cishet men being represented in the media, and y’all manage to fuck that up too. 

Before anyone mentions Sia’s movie “Music”, that’s also very poor representation of autistic girls. Besides, the actress who played the autistic girl isn’t even autistic. She MOCKED autistic people. I know she’s a kid, but that’s still super fucked up. I hope she’s able to turn that around. 

If anyone would like to discuss this topic with me or ask any questions, feel free to. I’ll answer as best as I can. Thank you and have a good night.

Before I get attacked for mentioning Chris Chan in my response, I bring up Chris Chan because allistic people think that every autistic person is like her (especially before she came out as trans). That person is part of why I wasn't open about being autistic or talking about my diagnosis until this year. I didn't want to be grouped up with Chris Chan because I do have very similar interests to her, I've been seen as cringey for having said interests, and just the way Chris treated autistic people who were formerly diagnosed with A$p3rg3r$ $yndr0m3 (like I was) really made me feel even more alienated.

Also, S1a supports A$ (Autism $p3aks). She's not a very good person to support. Some of her music is good, but her as a person....no. Her movie "Music" was gross, from what I've read about it and seen pictures of.

If you've read this far, thank you so much!

[harryswatermelonsegment]

Pool Party

Pairing: Reader/Harry Styles

Rating: R, text book smut

Word Count: 5k 😳

Warnings: Slight sub/dom tones I guess? & alcohol consumption

A/N: Sorry this is late, life somewhat resuming here in the UK so it means I’m back at my job. I managed to fall asleep mid edit folks 😳, this is my entry for the @helladirections Summer Feeling Fic Challenge, with the prompt “pool party” click the link for the masterlist. I’m still writing two more, one for @berrynarrybanana ‘s Sex Bucketlist Challenge but it’s turning out to be a 20k slow burn I wasn’t expecting 😬.Oops. But enjoy this one, I’m proud of her. My one other blatant thirst fic can be found here. Reblogs get free gratitude for the next 5 years 🍉💕

You'd been friends with Jeff since your teens, when his parents (despite their wealth), wanted him to get a job at the restaurant you worked at. In their rightful thinking, they wanted him to learn you had to work from the ground up.

Despite your clearly different class background you found a ton of common interests making the whole thing immaterial. He was a caring, down to earth guy and you were both people who really enjoyed sarcastically taunting each other every shift. You'd got used to visiting his house in the hills even though you'd been scared to get lost at first around his parents large house. Becoming solid friends quickly, you'd managed to keep in touch, as much as adult life would now allow anyway.

You knew his main role was managing a pop star but you'd not caught up in a minute and when you did, you kept your job chat out of the conversation where you could. This is why, as you barge through the kitchen, to the pool outside, you're shocked to nearly knock a stunned Harry Styles onto his behind.

"Fuck, shit I'm so sorry" you clutch your chest looking at the red wine on his tank top and his now empty glass. The soiled garment was tucked into some dressy shorts and partly covered by a loud hawaiian patterned shirt. Oh god what had you done?

You were quite honestly mortified. You'd never actually met the man himself, usually meeting Jeff at his for a few drinks or at a restaurant. You'd heard him mentioned in stories about travelling or how his campaigns were running Jeff into the ground with meetings. So, although you weren't a massive fan of his per se, in the way you didn't ask Jeff for updates or info, the way you'd hope you'd meet the attractive pop star was definitely not this.

He looked down at the offending stain then back up into your eyes, keeping his head angled down and blinking through his lashes. You couldn't read his blank expression and it put you on edge.

Maybe it was the heat trapped in the doorway, but as your eyes stayed locked you suddenly felt a fire spread from your navel up to your cheeks, and then from your center down to your toes. Your lower stomach clenched as you stared back at the guy covered in a good 2007 French rouge.

Fuck me he's pretty, you thought.

A rapid film reel of moments; sweaty bodies, those large biceps holding you against the nearest wall, smacking of lips against skin and moans of release flashed in your brain.

It had definitely been a while since you had got laid in your defense, your mood and pent up sexual frustration getting worse by the day as you tried and failed at the L. A. dating scene. Maybe you were picky, but horny and picky was an awful place to be.

However, the reality of the embarrassing scene you were currently a star of, flipped you back into the present.

Seemingly over the initial incident and hopefully not a mind reader to your thirsty brain, he takes you in and smirks.

Harry knew from the way your breathing hitched looking at his torso that you were at least a bit interested. He had clocked you the second you walked in through the big glass doors. A shirt of a band he liked and a natural beauty he wanted to spend some times with you he pondered. Ideally naked.

Zig zagging across the world promoting the album and had left little time to enjoy another person. Status and obligation to his job making it hard to just go out and meet someone. But here you were, dressed unlike anyone else, looking absolutely adorable in your embarrassment. You must be trustworthy if you're in Jeff's home,he wasn't a "bring your friends too" kind of host with his clients usually around.

This could be a fun evening for you both, he thought. Something unspoken, almost magnetic, drawing you both to one another. Surely that wasn't all his side right?

"I was told it was a good year, but I wasn't planning on consuming it quite this way?" inwardly he rolled his eyes at the barely there quip. But you laughed anyway.

"I am so, so awfully sorry, look, let's see if there's some dish liquid or something, possibly some of my next months rent in there too if I have to replace it" you let out a nervous laugh as you walked towards the kitchen. But in all honesty you weren't kidding.

Harry laughed at your sarcastic remark, impressed by your confidence in owning the situation and getting on with things. He casually watched your hips sway past a few people in to the open plan kitchen with as much subtlety as he could, you were confidentially locating all the parts needed to try and remove the offending stain.

"You seem to know your way around 'ere. I'm er…I'm Harry by the way" awkwardly waving as you mixed some solution in the sink drenching a sponge in it.

"Yeah" you smiled turning from the sink with the damp rag "known Jeff a good while, have definitely spilt red wine here before. I'm Y/N" you giggle. The beam from his own mouth matching.

"Ah! Y/N, of course, I've heard him mention you, didn't you once hide rotting mackerel in a unpleasant guys blazer?" he chuckled

"Heyyyy. Only after he spanked my ass getting him the check. Deserved a hot plate to the crotch too" you shot back.

You weren't sure where to go from here the thought of wetting down the white tank yourself definitely appealed but also seemed far too forward.

"Um…" you began gesturing with the sponge in your hand. You expected him to take it from you to sort himself out but..

"Oh yeah sorry" he replied shimmying his shirt off, dumping it on the back of a bar stool, then, crossing his arms across his stomach and lifting the tank top over his head you were slack jawed and frozen taking in the lean muscles and tattoos littered intermittently across his abdomen. He spread the top across the islands worktop flat, then grabbing the sponge with a simple "thanks" and knitting his eyebrows together in concentration as he tried to rid the dull red mark from it's center.

You still hadn't moved. A pink twinge to your cheeks as you watched his shoulder blades and back muscles scrubbing. Dirty thoughts circling your brain still.

"I would have helped you but I didn't want to start a wet tshirt contest in such a high end establishment yknow?" you thought out loud.

"Oh yeah, good call. I'm fiercely competitive Y/N so would probably be under that fancy waterfall thing by now showing off m'moves in my pants" he wiggles his hips trying to suggestively show you his "moves" but you can't help but smirk at just how endearing this man is. Dammit.

When he's finished with his shirt he drapes it over another barstool before handing you the sponge back.

If anyone asks him if he blatantly and deliberately got naked to gauge if you were into him he'd definitely deny it. But the truth is, he definitely did. Luckily for him, with the way you bite your lip and drag your eyes down his flesh as he brushes past your side to get back to the sink, he's right.

"Speaking of getting in the water in your" you use air quotes "'pants' I'm off to get out of mine" you declare, pushing yourself from the counter and keeping eye contact a second as you stroll back to the sliding doors leading to the pool.

"I… What??"

" The pool Harry?.... What did you think I meant?" you narrow your eyes and press your lips together before shutting the glass door again and turning once more to smirk at the opened mouthed man still by the sink.

--------------------------------

You'd been schmoozing in the water for a few hours now. There were probably only 20 or so people still here and the 3rd frozen marg had got you buzzed. You were in the small hot tub type pool, attached at the top of the main one on a slightly higher level. You hadn't seen Harry for a while but the last few times you caught his eye he'd been surrounded by at least 3 other people fighting for his attention, so you banked your flirtations to soothe your own ego, grabbed another marg and tried to forget about how he had started a tornado inside you, yearning for his hands on your thighs and head peering up at you from where they met in the middle. The strong pull of lust was clearly in your head then. What a shame.

You put it to the back of your mind as you finished catching up with Glenne. Both flushed and giggly as usual, she was the perfect match for Jeff and their chemistry unmatchable. You always enjoyed hanging out with the both of them, if anything, they gave you hope your own match may be out there. She left you in the tub alone, as she went to grab herself another drink and check on her host duties boyfriend.

"Don't you find drinking whilst already in water the weirdest thing?" you look up to find Harry standing over your right shoulder as you sit with your back against the pool wall and your elbows propping you up behind you, drink in one hand. His eyes unsubtley slip down to where your breasts lay pushed together in your halter neck bikini. You definitely weren't imagining it then. Fucking fantastic, you think.

"I mean drowning yourself on the inside from the alcohol and being in more than 4 inches of water really adds a danger element to my life if I'm honest" you reply sipping your drink.

And there goes those dimples again.

He's just in a pair of yellow swimming shorts now which doesn't help the alcohol flush at all. Sitting by your right side, putting his short glass full of amber liquid and ice, on the side of the pool and sliding in to join you. He leaves a small gap, as to not appear a total letch but your smart mouth has him hooked.

Taking a sip of his drink with the water up to his collar bones he hums.

"I do feel incredibly dangerous now, you've got a point"

"I mean if you think that's danger" you edge closer, not drunk but buzzed enough to take your chances you whisper into the shell of his ear. "You should see what thrills are in the guest bathroom. 1st floor on the right? " he chokes on his drink as your suggestive whispers make his dick twitch. He definitely couldn't get out of the pool for a while.

You're gone before you get a verbal reaction. If this all goes badly then you can just hide in there and slip out to an Uber and never see Jeff again right? Right. Cool.

With a soft white towel around you and your heart rate high as you reach the main guest bedroom you enter the room, you notice a large weekend bag in there and freeze. Shit. Someone's staying over, you hadn't factored that in, but a glance to the tag and the embossed H. E. S tells you you're good. Well, if not you'll just be a creep hiding in someone's bathroom but let's not think about it too much. Your faux confidence was working well so far and what other chance was going to arise like this one? Hot celebrities need fun with strangers too right?

Entering the bathroom you rub the towel over you, leaving mostly dry skin. You'd peel away your bikini if you were definite you wouldn't need to peel it back up your limbs should this plan backfire. You move to the mirror to adjust the black flecks from your minimal makeup dispersing under your eye and just as you're about to smooth down the stray baby hairs that humidity has got to around your face, you see Harry appear in the mirror behind you. Your belly flipping over and over with the thrill he'd took the bait.

Wasting no time he smirks and holds your gaze, wrapping his hands around your waist whilst his lips attach to the junction of your neck and collarbone. His tongue drags over your soft skin and he licks and softly sucks swirls onto it with his plush lips.

"Hm. You're right. This is a more fun type of danger" he says between kisses but before he's even finished his sentence you've spun around in his arms.

The bottom of your spine cold against the marble countertop, arms around his neck as you smash your lips into one another's with urgency. Tongues and wet noises as you get to know one another through your bodies alone.

He runs his hands down your back and presses his hard length against your thigh. He's definitely packing you think as you lift up a little rub your pubic bone against his front, panting out a little moan as the sweet friction of your bodies colliding sends you into overdrive. Catching the noise through your parted lips he gently tugs on the bottom one, teeth grazing the supple flesh. This combined with his large palms kneading your ass and pulling you further, tighter, into the roll of his hips. Only two layers of damp clothing separate you,forcing your lips to break from his mouth and fully moan, not caring who may be around. You could not remember the last time a perfect stranger knew your body quite this well.

His own grunts were speeding up when he suddenly grabs the back of your thighs and hoists you up beside the sink, you gasp in shock but it was more the way the lean man thrusted you up there like it was nothing. What else could he do? You expect him to go back to kissing you but instead he pulls back with his rock hard erection outlined in the wet shorts he still has on. Looking at you dead in the eyes both raging with lust and concern. Whilst you try not to worry how you were going to accommodate him inside your tight walls.

"Is this…? I mean, you want this too right?" his hands are resting at either side of your parted thighs. You nod. "Need you to say it Y/N" he steps forward, lips wet and brushes the pad of his thumb across your bottom lip that was now puffy and pink from the earlier biting. He knew you were down to fuck, but now he wanted to test your preferences. What kind of fun you were about to have shall we say. So when you lick his thumb tip, holding his fist still and grazing your wet tongue up and down from knuckle to tip before closing your eyes and humming around the entire digit, he knew you were both in for a good time.

Removing the thumb he whispers a barely audible "fuck me" before smashing your lips back together, tongues massaging together as he peels your underwear to the side with his hand swiftly and presses digit you'd lubricated with your mouth against your clit, moving it fast from side to side with just the right amount of pressure to make your head spin. Gasping, you throw your head back, hands clasped around his neck as you lean back and feel yourself start to leak a little with arousal. The few spots dripping down on to the counter.

You could say it had been a while but really this guy was moving his way round your body in the same way you tune a guitar in key. Calloused fingers applying the right amount of pressure as you felt yourself start to get to the edge already. He was kissing down the front if your chest, between your breasts, not missing a beat when he pushed both triangles of your bikini aside and you moaned loudly as he kissed and sucked hard around your nipple, tentatively pulling it between his teeth firmly, the sound you let out made him clamp a little harder before sucking in the whole nipple again, soothing the skin his tongue. Most likely leaving a mark behind, but you kind of liked the idea of proof he'd been devouring you in all honesty.

You were becoming blissed out from all the stimulation. Clenching and moving your hips around nothing but this magical thumb working your clit up and down hard. You were overcome with this whole situation playing out the way it had. You broke away from his mouth again.

"Oh fuck.. Harry, I'm… FuckFuck I'm going to come, I'm gonna fucking… Ahhh" he pulled back one arm steadying you as your head hit the mirror behind you in your release. He just watched you and slowed his thumb down watching as the liquid cascaded onto the counter.

After you'd come down you open your eyes and shyly smiled before kissing him passionately, his hands moving around your waist tightly. You moved your hand to his shorts, teasingly grazing the outline of his cock between your fingers in hopes of repaying the favour. He does a single throaty laugh and removes your hand, holding himself against his thigh. You look at him in confusion when he splutters,

"Sorry, sorry its just I'm going t'blow my load if you touch me." then he's back on your lips "Too. Fucking. Sexy" he says between wet kisses to your jaw, neck and clavicle. "Wanted to do this since I first set eyes on you" one hand is on the back of his neck twisting nape curls between your fist whilst the other rests behind you, stopping you from hitting your head on the mirror again.

"Oh yeah? Before or after I ruined your clothes?" you laugh teasingly as he slides his hands around your back to finally remove the bikini top properly, lifting it up over your head and tossing it aside somewhere on the floor. He let's a laugh out himself completely entranced still by how natural you are around him, it was often hard to connect with strangers in his position.

"I'd spotted you walking in, was trying to open the door for you m'love" he says before sucking a red mark into your breast and massaging and pulling the other nipple slightly with his hand.

You struggle through sharp intakes of breath for a reply.

"Well….ah...that's what chivalry.. Oh.. Get's you these days I guess" and you're both laughing a little.

"Hmm. Have to try harder with my manners then won't I? I mean, I've got to clear up the mess I've made here" he cups his hand against your pussy rubbing it up and down a little with his palm. You let out a guttural noise at the friction. "Ladies first and all'tha too right?" he giggles again at himself.

You're practically cumming right then, you couldn't remember the last time someone actually went down on you. Your previous boyfriend not particularly into offering you foreplay. A main point of why he didn't stick around too long.

Harry kisses down your abdomen now, soft sloppy, sensual pecks, humming into your skin every so often in appreciation as he works at removing your soaked bikini bottoms with his hands, pushing them down to your knees before you help, letting them fall from the remaining ankle to the ground.

Harry is moving far too slow for you, kissing across each hip down to the top of your slit, breathing over where you desperately need him before paying the other side the same attention. Then he's licking up each crease where your thigh meets your pelvis.

"Y/N, just.. Just turn, that's it and lean back as far as you can there, shuffle forward until can't balance anymore" you shift your ass as forward as possible on the lip of the sink and prop yourself up on your elbows trying to be as flat as possible on the cold counter as you could, your toes behind the sink with one foot the other dangling over the edge. You keep you thighs open as Harry hunches over the counter where you now lay diagonal. He places his arms under your thighs and bends your legs flat out as he can stretch you, you're expecting some more teasing but he just looks down at your pussy licking over his lips and almost whining before burying his tongue inside you immediately. The force of his tongue lapping up your previous climax causes you once again to knock the side of your head against the mirrored wall. You turn and watch the scene almost as a spectator, witnessing yourself bare to this beautiful man, curly brown hair between your fists and making sounds like he's savouring every taste. He catches you watching before taking his mouth off you, immediately, you're whining in protest.

"Watch my eyes not my reflection baby, I'm right here"

His authoritative tone eclipsing every thought you had about the casual nickname, you stared down at the wonderful site of him lapping and suckling on your clit. Pointed tongue and firm laps against the swollen button. He then starts lapping up at your glistening hole,unhooking an arm to spread your lips open between his fingers and licking right from the bottom to the top with all the sloppy wet noises involved. He was feeling you contract as he locked faster and faster over you. His tongue deserved an award never mind his music. You couldn't believe you were on the brink of a second orgasm so quickly but when he sunk his middle finger into you at the same pace his tongue was working at, you were screaming his name into the extractor fan above before you knew it. You felt waves of liquid cascade from your pussy as he gently lapped up the produce of his work from you. You flinched in overstimulation but he cleaned up every last drop tenderly before carefully closing your legs and pivoting you round to your previous sitting up position on the counter. Neither of you had spoken a word since you came but as he leads your arms to drape over your shoulders, holding your fucked out body against his chest whilst peppering your temple with soft pecks . Then he kisses you intensely, letting you taste the sweet juices of yourself on his lips. You hummed in approval of the sweet taste as you came round.

A few minutes of carnal making out and things were heating up again. Your hands cupping his jaw then sliding to graze fingernails up and down his back, digging them in a little harder now and again and causing goosebumps to pierce through the skin rapidly under your touch.

You could feel him swallowing down grunts from the friction he was getting from his shorts covered cock brushing up and down between your slick folds.

He'd made you cum twice. Hard. He always got off of making his partners cum of course, so he was feeling beyond turned on and the slight heat of your glistening folds against his length was almostvsending him over the edge.

"I want you inside me" you whispered against his lips desperately.

No sooner had you said the words, his left hand was frantically searching through the vanities top drawer in hope. Finding a packet, checking the date quickly then tearing it between his teeth, spitting the seal onto the floor and pushing his shorts to his ankles, stepping out of them at speed before kicking them away.

He smirked when he caught your eyes bulge at his cock. He knew it was above average but the reaction was always a further compliment he thought.

Stepping forward he put on a show of putting the condom on, first rubbing the drops of sticky pre cum at the head and down his length keeping his eyes locked to yours as you wriggled on the counter with anticipation. He whined a little as it squeezed him rolling it on, so red and over sensitive from turning you on. So that's why, when you grabbed for it, he stilled your hand. Dimples appearing back in his cheeks as you looked again in confusion. He kisses you, languishing the moment before grabbing you forward from the countertop to the floor again, still keeping your lips attached. He lightly grips at your hips and turns you round to face the mirror once more.

Harry lightly grabs your throat, and the way you whimper and push your ass back against him, makes him mentally bank that idea for later perhaps. He runs his left hand up the column of your neck lightly holding your jaw between his thumb and forefinger, forcing you to look at him with his hand on your face and the other already working up and down your folds.

"I want you to watch us. Want you to watch yourself come apart. Want to watch you cum around my cock yeah? " he whispers in your ear. You noticeably shiver with excitement of what's to come.

"Please Harry, please, need it, need you."

You watch yourself babble and beg for his cock. The pathetic whimper from yourself as you try and circle your ass into his crotch again to encourage it happening. You were never patient and he's driving you insane here.

Bringing two fingers infront of your lips as you watch yourself in the mirror he looks you dead in the eye through the reflection.

"Spit" so you do, "good girl" he says kissing your cheek. His saliva lubed fingers are back rubbing your clit quickly whilst his knee nudges the back of yours to spread your feet wider as he kisses the back of your neck and shoulders. When he pauses next you're not expecting the hard thrust of him entering you entirely, sure you were dripping wet with the result of two orgasms but you cry out in a mix of stretch and pleasure as he pounds into you at a furious pace. His spare hand not on your clit is holding the bottom of your spine down as he keeps up his rhythm. His pace was that of a man desperate for release after watching you fall apart on his fingers and tongue. The build up meant he was already close as you tight walls fluttered around him. He pleads with you to stop tightening your walls around him or he's not going to last he whimpers.

You were already close again, you'd never cum this many times or this quickly in your life but you were ready for another round and by the sounds of him and the stutter his pace kept slipping you knew he was close too.

You quickly removed his hand, sucking your own fingers into your mouth to replace his own at your clit.

"M'gonna cum, but… OhOh fuck.. But need you harder. Deeper" you manage to get out.

He grunts a curse before squeezing your hips at a pressure that will leave marks tomorrow but the delight in the speed he was now able to snap his hips against the swells of your ass, was well worth it. It only took a few more seconds with the fingers that knew you best, for you to gush against his cock. Feeling absolutely exhausted you slump your sweaty chest onto the cold counter.

His orgasm taking him by surprise when you clenched up to milk him dry. He all but shouts your name as his hips stutter and you feel the warmth of his cum fill the one barrier between you.

His lips were back on your sweaty neck for a second whilst he disposed of the used condom. He ran the walk in shower and wordlessly you took his offered hand to join him under the hot spray. You'd never had an encounter end like this before not that you were a seasoned professional but after 3 orgasms the way his hands moved round your body under the water, washing away your antics with sweet strawberry-banana smelling suds on the flannel, left you with a warm floaty feeling the worn off alcohol never had.

He gently wipes your makeup from under your eyes then, smiling at the cute way your nose wrinkles slightly as he rubs at each eyebrow.

"I don't even have words" you finally laugh out blushing, not able to stand his gauge as you say it.

"Oh. So that's how to make that smart mouth o'yours stop is it? " he grins, you gasp in mock offense and go to say something but going under your chin with his thumb with his forefinger to connect your lips under the warm water spray he kisses you when you pull away you can't help but ask.

"So does this make us even on one ruined fancy vest then?"

"Hmmmm" he ponders with both hands on your face looking at the ceiling out if the falling water. " I'm not sure, I mean it was a custom, pretty high going rate those yeah"

"Yeahhhh you're right, you're right. Better factor in the cost of the custom job then hadn't I huh?"

You hurriedly sink to your knees on the tiled floor.

[ichayalovesyou]

Hey so from your blog I understand you are neurodivergent? Correct me if I'm wrong. If you are, sometimes I wonder if I have Asperger's Syndrome. When I look back on my childhood there are some questionable aspects that I got over, I think, but with a lot of effort. For example I used to watch the same movie over and over again till I had big chunks of it memorized and I played it in my head when I went to sleep? And I was obsessed with puzzles, I did and redid them many times. And lots of repetitive things. Also I don't know if I was just being sensitive or something, but I always cried at the tiniest disapproval of adults.

I'm sorry if this comes off as stereotypical, but those are things my peers found weird and not actually "normal" and it was pretty hard for me to get over them.

Lol I don't even know where this is going, I guess I'd like to see some insights from a neurodivergent person, because I've never had the chance to interact with one. How did you figure out you were neurodivergent? Can a person on the autism spectrum learn to communicate effectively with other people on their own? (because I think I can do that, but it's not always a pleasure haha).

Feel free not to respond to this, I don't want to bother, but you seem..... Approachable😂. I'm not one of those people who self-diagnose through an internet quiz and try to make themselves appear special....You know the ones. I'm genuinely curious haha. I'm probably fine, it would still be interesting to see your response. Thanks.

I’m going to be perfectly real with you

I do not have an official diagnosis for anything aside from “generalized anxiety” but I only got the chance (until very recently) to get therapy for a year.

But I do feel like there’s a difference between wanting to feel “special” and going into self-diagnosis territory half-cocked. And looking at your life, tallying up the evidence, making an educated guess, and then making an effort on finding out whether or not you’re guess is correct from a professional.

For instance, in my case (I’m about to get into “tragic” backstory stuff just to give a clear picture):

I come from an emotionally abusive situation in which, even when I had teachers, pediatricians or other moms suggest I (at the very least) had ADHD my mother got offended, denied it and insisted I was fine. In fact, the only way in which she has treated my as any sort of neurodivergent is the “generalized anxiety” diagnosis I got from the six months of therapy I got 7 years ago. Even then she uses it as a tool to invalidate my feelings. She never considered it may be a symptom rather than a source until my baby brother got diagnosed with autism.

My family has a loooooong history of autism/adhd and other mental illnesses, all of my siblings and cousins above the age of 3 have one or both, I also wouldn’t be surprised if my father has autism and my mother has ADHD even if they went undiagnosed from the same stigma that kept my mother from getting me help (and only getting my younger sibling help when essentially forced by the school system.)

It was only really when my brother exhibited behaviors and got an autism diagnosis (and my mother and I started reading up on the topic) that I realized just how many of my behaviors were associated with textbook autism. I looked at my baby brother and I saw myself, the biggest difference between us is that I was hyper verbal (talking a bit before 18 months) and he was totally nonverbal until he was almost three (both of which, are symptoms of autism) that I really considered the possibility. Even my mother suggested I may be right, better late then never I guess.

I exhibit many of the exact behaviors you describe that are associated with both adhd and autism, I lined up toys, I drew the same picture on one sheet over and over. I take comfort in compulsively watching movies and shows over and over, I (for lack of a better words) stim sing and use movie quotes and references as eccholalia as stress relievers (especially in new social situations). I cried at the drop of a hat, when I was angry I’d repeatedly hurt myself by banging my head and arms against the myself or walls. I also do the “happy flappy arms” when I’m excited or nervous, I have a special interest in writing and making music (I have a hard time thinking about pretty much anything else). I had lots of trouble socially until about high school and none of my friends are neurotypical (or straight lol). So, I think it’s safe to say that I am either on the spectrum, have ADHD (which exhibits a lot of similar symptoms).

When I found this out, I started treating myself like I had these things instead of beating myself up for being “weird” and my mental health improved significantly. Mind you, it’s still not great because I am not (yet) in therapy and live in an overcrowded, emotionally abusive household, but I am making concerted efforts to remedy both. I’ve got my first therapy session in almost a decade arranged for next week and plan on moving in with another, less crowded, less abusive parent.

The best thing I can suggest is, read up on what you think you may have, look at the symptoms, compare them to you’re own, write it down, write how you feel about it. But more importantly read other people’s experiences with autism and ADHD, while medical professionals can help you get access to diagnosis and (if you need it) medication, sometimes the personal aspects get lost in the machine. At the same time of course be careful who you listen to, there are a lot of organizations and people out there who want to “help” by trying to force us to act “normal”, acting neurotypical does NOT equal living to enjoying your life to its fullest potential. On the flipside there of course people out there with and without diagnosis that will promote unhealthy thinking patterns and coping mechanisms, you’ve got to think critically and decide what is best for you.

Not all of us can get therapy, not all of us will get diagnosed even if we do, especially if you’re AFAB and have autism, or if you’re “well behaved” (ie pass as neurotypical) we slip through the cracks all the time. Try to get therapy anyway, a diagnosis can be really helpful (but in the case of autism it can also be detrimental because of the sheer amount of ableism around it, again, read other people’s experiences).

It’s okay to act on the idea that something is wrong, you know when something isn’t right with you, not even your parents can define that for you (I learned that the hard way). As long as you don’t wallow in it, operating under the assumption you have autism and/or adhd, using the tried and true coping mechanisms, being gentle with yourself, can be very, very helpful.

Hope this helped <3 💚🖖🏻💚

[lokeanwelcomingcommittee]

I've been a devout Lokean for 5 years, but recently due to many bad choices & character flaws, I became dependent & demanding, especially to Loki. I finally saw through my own bs & realized what I've become but I fear it's too late for me to salvage my relationship with him. I cant "hear" his voice anymore, or discern it from my own. I feel so unworthy. I want to repair our relationship but my mistakes have been so many & massive that I dont know if it's possible.. or where to begin. Ty4urTime🧡

Hey Nonny, I’m sorry you’re feeling so helpless. 

As a general disclaimer, none of us can speak for Loki, and since I don’t know the specifics of the situation or the depth of the insult, you’ll need to gauge for yourself whether or not you think my suggestions will work. 

With that said, begin with the really hard part: reach out. Make a concerted and respectful effort to contact him, and let him know your intentions. 

People make mistakes. People make bad choices. People can be vicious, mercurial, and downright cruel. Heathen gods tend to reflect these (as well as the more savory) aspects of humanity; they also make mistakes and bad choices, and they also can be vicious, mercurial, and cruel. 

What makes us special is that we can change. We are learning animals, highly social, and spectacularly adaptable, and the changes that we undergo can be profound and lasting. Loki is often regarded as the god of this sort of transformative change, and it is something he is said to value quite deeply. 

If you are serious about repairing your relationship with Loki -- if you have really changed your behavior and your outlook -- then he will almost definitely see that. If he misses the relationship you had (and there’s a decent chance that he does since you’ve been a Lokean for a while) then it should be possible to get him to hear you out.

The other thing that I should mention is that your circumstances are not unimportant. If outside forces like mental illness, physical disability, neglect, abuse, stress, etc. were causing or exacerbating your “character flaws,” he’ll see that too. They probably wouldn’t be accepted as an excuse, but they’ll certainly help you make the case that you should have another chance. Those are the sorts of issues that draw people to Loki and vise versa; he knows the impact they can have, and depending on the relationship you had before, might be more concerned for you than actually offended by your actions.

Once you’ve contacted him again, the best thing to do is probably to apologize. If you’re worried about coming across as insincere or, as you said, unworthy, it might be helpful (or reassuring) to look up how to make a strong apology. A Google search will turn up tons of step-by-step guides for apologizing, and it might feel a little weird or trite, but just the act of doing that research will say something to him about how seriously you want to make amends. 

From there, it’s up to you. If you like to leave gifts for Loki, offer some of his favorites. If you have clothes or jewelry that make you feel connected to him, wear them. If you make any sort of art, devote something to him. Anything that brings you closer and reaffirms your commitment in a way that makes you feel comfortable. 

In short, approach him the way you would approach a family member or close friend that you accidentally hurt. Just like in that situation, there is no guarantee of forgiveness or total reconciliation, but there’s nothing to lose and everything to gain. And once you’ve gotten past that first step of reaching out, you’ll be able to breathe again. 

I wish you all the luck with this, and I sincerely hope you and Loki are able to rediscover your common ground. 

- Mod M

[mittensmorgul]

1/2 (While i do NOT ask this to be negative at all, i realize it could be a controversial topic so feel free not to answer!) I have a friend who stopped watching SPN a few years ago after, according to her, they jumped the shark to the point she just couldn't take the show seriously anymore. Now, i'm so deep in fandom it's hard to step back and be objective, but that's not the first time i've heard that complaint, and it got me thinking; obviously i love the show.

2/2 But it did make me casually wonder what keeps me coming back to it specifically, because ibr if any other show had made some of the same writing, plot, etc. choices as SPN has, i’d diagnose it with a serious case of the trope “seasonal rot” and move on. But i haven’t. And i think it’s because SPN is SO character driven. Like, these characters make the show and the genuine heart and love shows through in the writing. I think that’s what balances out the at times questionable quality for me.

Hi there. I just reblogged this post over here that mostly expresses my feelings about this:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/160986841910/hey-i-stopped-watching-spn-like-during-season

I think it’s really not accurate (nor fair) to describe the character growth and narrative progression as “seasonal rot.” I think that’s sincerely missing the point.

From a podcast interview with Davy Perez shortly after 12.04 aired (Not About The Weather, episode 8):

(Sorry, y’all, I started transcribing this two hour long interview, spent two days transcribing the first hour last November, got to 7.5k, and haven’t had a chance to finish… )

N: It’s really interesting, because what you mentioned as well with Dean when he was living his sort of normal life with Lisa and Ben, it’s interesting as well because we’re six years on from that. So how do you look at that kind of thing and then go okay. How do you stop it being regressive, if you know what I mean? How do you go like, oh, he’s actually grown from that, or if he hasn’t or if he has. How do those decisions get made?

DP: For me I think it’s funny because I might have read it in a book somewhere, or maybe it was advice I got, in regards to writing television versus writing film. When you’re writing a film, you’re writing what is hopefully a complete journey, where a character gets called to action, where they go on their journey of discovery or their journey of tribulation, and then they arrive to an end point and you find, “Oh, I’ve learned this lesson,” or “I’ve grown so much.” And that was a satisfying, closed-ended story. Television doesn’t work that way. Television is about a character that you become invested in, and that you fall in love with. That character grows in incremental ways. Not only do they grow in tiny little increments, and sometimes don’t even grow, they go backwards. You don’t close the loop. You keep the loop open, so that hopefully when you know that okay, this is our final season, this is our final run of episodes, that’s when you can find those landing points, and that’s when you can sort of say this is the end of this journey.As far as having to imagine what Dean might be eight years ago, well all I can say is that’s who Dean is. There’s a well of knowledge to watch, and you can see that that’s who he is. Maybe they’ve grown in some small way. Maybe Sam can talk about the psychic stuff where maybe before he didn’t even want to talk about it, but he’s not a completely different Sam in that he’s learned from his mistakes and will never make the mistakes again. You want to make sure that you’re staying true to who they are, and allowing the characters to just live in those moments, and to of course grow and have that journey, but to really take time. In an essence you really enjoy those incremental growths and they mean so much more.

This is exactly what I’ve described as the “spiral narrative” where the same things come up over and over again, putting the characters in similar situations. But this has become a character-driven narrative. The mytharc is entirely secondary to what the characters are going through.

Playing “spot the difference” each time you see a “wait, that’s really familiar” moment is where you really SEE those incremental growths. This is not “seasonal rot.” I find myself irrationally offended on behalf of the writers here… like, got up and stormed around the house ranting out loud to myself.

So when meta writers talk about how the writers are doing all of this intentionally, we literally really truly do mean the writers are DOING THIS ALL INTENTIONALLY. They have even TOLD US THIS IS THE CASE IN ACTUAL WORDS.

I  wrote a thing recently that sort of touches on this a bit, that started out as a reply about character driven vs plot driven narratives, but I think it also goes a little way toward explaining some of the reasons why people are having difficulty understanding what the show is doing now:

http://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/159511693805/a-very-random-question-but-in-your-opinion-whats

If folks are still looking at the show as if it was actually a plot-driven narrative, there’s bound to be some sincere disappointment. But if you see it as a character-driven narrative, everything begins falling into place. I don’t mean to say that someone might be “watching wrong,” but if your impression is that the narrative is inconsistent and has made questionable plot choices, then I feel at least slightly obligated to politely suggest maybe watching it from THIS perspective and see if the entire picture doesn’t become perfectly clear.

Like this sculpture illustrates, look at it from the wrong angle and it all seems random. It’s supposed to inspire you to walk around looking at it all from DIFFERENT angles until the entire picture clicks into place.

This is the amazing beauty of the story Supernatural is telling us right now. I just want as many people as possible to realize this, because I think a lot of people right now are just seeing the random scattershot dots and feeling like they aren’t telling us a full story… I’m just trying to drag as many people around to the other side, to see what it looks like from where I’m sitting. Because it looks like art to me.

[ardalionandnatalia]

Past Truths, Present Pains- Katya and Natalia Argue, I

In a sequestered spot near one of the wells, is a scrubby yet thriving garden of various herbs, shrubs and heather-like flowers. Katya and Natalia, having recovered from their previous ordeal with Ardalion, are weeding the herb section, though Natalia strays from their chore to examine a patch of blooming heather blossoms.

Katya notices Natalia is fixated on the heather blossoms, as Natalia carefully trims and props the stems and leaves for better growth.

Katya: You seem to really like those blossoms.

Natalia: *absent-minded for a moment, doesn't appears to hear Katya*

Natalia: What? *confused, rousing from her thoughts*

Katya: You seem to be staring at those blossoms quite a bit. Are they your favorite type of flower?

Natalia: *leans closer and picks a dead leaf from one stem tucked in* Yes...these particular flowers evokes some memories... memories of the little garden my mother and I had on our rooftop. Yes, it seems so strange to see these here.

Katya: *stops for a while* Your mother...? I've never really heard you mention her before. Were you close with her?

Natalia *pauses, sits up straight and looks aside, as though recollecting thought. She grips her hands on the skirt of her knees, as though tinged by the memory of her mother. A dim look of guilt lines her features.* I... I regret we were not. We might have been, but everything seems too clear now, so clear that it confuses me now.

Natalia: I think she did love me, and I wanted to be a good daughter, but I was very selfish to accept her regret and reconcile with her.

Katya: *confused* What do you mean...? How was she like as a person? Did something prevent her from loving you?

Natalia: Seeing these blossoms reminded me how, despite our rift in her last days, she still tended the little patch of heather we planted when I was a little child. I still remember the day we planted the tender sprouts...

Natalia: I blame my mother for my condition in my past, but in reality, it was my fault, actually.

Natalia: She was relentless about beauty and social standing, and she was ruthless I could become like her, maybe better.

Katya: *notices that Natalia looks tired as she talks about her mother* Was she a very forceful person? Just how did she become so ruthless?

Natalia: She constantly scathed me about me looks, my body- everything.

Natalia: She told me a woman's beauty is her only real worth in life- nobody wants a plain woman. She told me success for a woman laid in her beauty and deportment.

Natalia: Her force wasn't fiery. She was cold, sharp. It made her seem too powerful and frightening.

Katya is quiet for a while, noticing how thinking back about this, Natalia has become more depressed,

Katya: *quietly* I see. Did you ever find out why your mother believed all of these things? Was it because she relied so much on her own body to survive...? *she wonders what this means--she has a feeling but is too scared to say it, lest it offend Natalia*

Natalia: She seemed at times, like some distant goddess I had to appease. She was cold so often. And hard too. Sometimes, her face seemed like a cold, hard, pale mask. She never raised her voice, but she had this quietness that could unnerve anyone. When she ordered something, it was like a decree.

Natalia: I-I- never did find out what shaped her like this. Maybe I was too sheltered to see the world as she did.

Natalia: She never told me about herself.

Natalia: She always kept quiet, like a silent observer.

Natalia: I only desire now she had confided in me. I was her only child, after all. She could have trusted me. *tears prick the corners of her eyes*

Katya: Did your father ever suggested why she acted this way? What did your father think of her behaviour towards you?

Katya notices the tears in Natalia's eyes and wonders whether to comfort her, or whether she should keep quiet since comforting her may mean she is taking pity on her, and she knows Natalia does not want to be pitied.

Natalia: *tucks a sharp breath to hide a sniffle and shakes her head* He never told me anything about her, except she was a tired soul and that I should not expect her to match my energy. As I emerged from childhood, my mother became relentless in molding me into her ideal of beauty. I was a homely child, beset with a fat figure. It's possible she was right and I would have looked like a pig. But my father resented her rigors she set upon me. They argued. They grew distant. Then... when the accident happened at the kiln, it seemed she wanted to repair their rift, but he grew angrier and sullen towards her.

Natalia: It might be my fault- why he died. They were arguing about me when he fell. I always blamed her for his death. But maybe it was my fault. Or no one's.

Katya: *is silent as she listens, afraid to say too much and just lets her vent*

Katya: *takes a deep breath* If you did see her again, what would you say to her...?

Katya: Would you just ignore her? Or try to reconcile with her? Or something else?

Natalia: When she died, I arrived in time for her wake. Her face did not seem a cold mask, anymore, just a tired face weighed down with grief. The servants told me she died crying for me to come back. In her room, I noticed she had all my childhood possessions- my christening blanket, my little veil when I took First Communion...

Natalia: If I saw her again?

Natalia: I don't know... how would we reconcile? What can be said?

Natalia: What could we do? Could we ever live together peacefully?

Natalia: Yes. I would like to reconcile with her.

Natalia: *tears prick and trail down, she begins crying more openly, hunching over slightly with her elbows pressed against her bosom- she trembles slightly*

Katya: Natalia...I'm sorry to hear about all of this. Would you like me to leave you alone for now? I'm sorry I caused you to recall all of this.

Natalia: *looks up, eyes still closed- shakes her head* No. It's not your fault. The only one who caused this was myself. Please, stay. I am grateful you listened to me. I wish we had met in the past, perhaps I could have learned to be more listening and understanding had we met.

Natalia: You must think I put too much on you. Maybe I am. Still, you've taught me a good deal on the value of being still and not allowing anger to govern my ways solely.

Katya is still for a while and wonders what Natalia will say next.

Katya: Your mother probably had a lot of secrets of her own. In a way, her tragedy became your tragedy, because her tragedy influenced her to act in a certain way that caused you to react in a certain way against her and caused all these negative feelings about yourself...

Natalia: *raises and brushes off the specks of soil from her knees* You are right, Katya. She seemed weighed down by some sort of fear and grief, like she had fear of something being discovered- she never revealed anything about herself, not even when and where she was born. I never knew anything except how she met my father.

Katya: how did she meet your father...?

Natalia: I hope... if we do meet, she will confide in me

Natalia: Ah! They met during Carnival

Natalia: She was lost at a Fete, and my father encountered her- he was steering a gondola because his gondolier broke his arm in a fight over a woman.

Natalia: My mother claimed to be a noble woman fallen on hard times, so this is why she married my father, a merchant. Most merchants are richer than nobles, so it is in our city- or what was our city.

Natalia: But she never spoke of anything else. When I asked, she would say it mattered not.

Katya: I see. *not sure what to say--the idea that a man would break his arm over a woman sounds ridiculous to her, as well as the idea that merchants are richer than nobles*

Katya: Was your mother really a noble woman? Since you said she claimed to be one. But was she one in reality?

Katya: and on your father's side, why did he choose to marry her if he was richer than she was?

Natalia: It caused her, in her own, delicate way, to snarl like a wounded animal being touched, whenever I asked her. I wanted to know if she had family, as I wanted grandparents.

Katya: Was it because he wanted her so-called nobility title?

Natalia: There was no to disprove her claim. He said he married her because he appreciated her mind and stability. She differed from most women in the city. She was hardly a spendthrift, and enjoyed weighty subjects. My father never discussed her title, only that she was one a lady as much in her soul than anything else. I do suspect maybe she was not a noble...once a noble, though, marries a non-noble in Venice, they became the same status as their spouse, so she became a merchant's wife.

Katya: *sighs* Do you think your father is not telling you the truth?

Katya: That he is making things seem better than they actually are because he was the type to spoil you, as you said?

Katya: In my view, saying all these superfluous things about how he viewed her doesn't really help to solve the mystery. It just deepens the mystery.

Katya: I'm not so naive to believe that people back in your day (or even in my time) married because they thought the other person was unique. There has to be something more to it.

Katya: especially since you came from a very unforgiving time, people woudn't marry for love--! *her voice gets a bit sharp, frustrated that Natalia's father seems to be painting his view of Natalia's mother with a overly romanticized brush*

Katya is a bit embarrassed by her own frustration, but she cannot help it. She feels that Natalia is hiding something and that she was brought up in a household that denied reality, which made everything worse for them.

Natalia: *a scowl pulls on her face, as though piqued by Katya's truth* My father always acted on his own terms. He was the master of his own house, his own guild, and his own decisions. Besides, what does it matter what is the truth? In Venice, nothing is real! Everything is assumed, everything is a pageant, like an opera.... *her voice grows a bit hard and bitter over the reality she was left in the dark about the truth of her family*

Katya: Decisions? Or do you mean delusions?

Katya growls back at Natalia, incensed at Natalia's frustration.

Natalia: What does that mean? *snarls slightly* Are you insulting my father?

Katya: Anyways, I don't care. *tone changes to calm again* I'll take leave for now, Natalia.

Katya sighs, a bit angry at the whole exchange that had just transpired. What made her snap like that?

Natalia: That is just like you, Katya- always running away when you confront.

Was it the fact that Natalia's discussion of her father reminded her of how Ardalion had snickered at overly idealistic men?

Natalia: Tell me what you truly think!

As well as her own beliefs that overly idealistic men were a cause for a lot of trouble, as they failed to embrace reality?

Even her own father wasn't that ridiculous!

Natalia: Yes, you think we were deluded, do you not? That my father lived in a fairy tale! And that my mother and I were part of it? Maybe we were!

Natalia: But what of it? We had our happiness now and then.

Katya: It doesn't matter what I think. As you said, it's Venice! Nothing is real.

Katya: Good for you!

Katya: I guess we just live in separate worlds then. I suppose we shouldn't have brought up this issue.

Natalia: Sometimes living in a lie is all you can do.

Katya: And that could cause even more harm, could it not?

Katya: Look at how many complexes you have!

Natalia: People can decide to love...

Natalia: that's my own fault.

Katya: Even if being truthful was more painful, perhaps it could have saved all of the complexes that all three of you developed!

Natalia: It wasn't my mother or my father's fault. It was my fault.

Katya: Love someone who doesn't tell you their past?

Katya: Love someone who potentially lied about her station in life?

Katya: I know what you were suggesting. That your mother wasn't actually a noble but she lied about it, and THAT's why your father wanted to marry her!

Katya: And I guess the lies eventually drove your mother into the emotional mess she became, with her coldness and constant criticism.

Natalia: *eyes widen in anger* I never suggested that!

Natalia: You never knew my parents!

Katya: Is that it, Natalia? Isn't this what you wanted? For me to fucking speak my mind!?

Katya: *heaving* There you have it!

Natalia: You- you!!!

Natalia: *speechless for a moment with anger*

Katya: As problematic as my parents could've been, they didn't lie like yours did!

Katya: And I don't put my parents on a pedestal and claim that they LOVED each other so much like a damned fairy tale!

Katya: They just respected each other!

Natalia: My parents had a good friendship! Mine respected each other! What is this! Pedestal! Hah!

Katya: None of this gushy nonsense, and particularly not since there was lying! How can there be gushy love if the foundation of that relationship was based on lies and materialism?

Katya: Your father said that he considered her a lady inside and out! What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Natalia: You have no idea about my family!

Katya: Sounds like a condescending insult if I ever heard one! Like she isn't even an individual.

Natalia: You wouldn't understand!

Katya: Even Ardalion wasn't that bad!

Katya: He didn't lie, at least!

Natalia: You!

Natalia: My father never lied about what he thought of my mother and I!

Natalia: He loved us, damn you!

Katya: I think your father loved you, but I'm not sure he loved your mother the way you think he did!

Katya: Your mother seems very unloveable, to be honest!

Natalia: How do you know!

Katya: If he loved you, he wouldn't have loved your mother!

Katya: By the way, I'm not saying he was a bad man for marrying her for the title!

Katya: That's perfectly normal!

Natalia: It wasn't her fault- how

Natalia: How can you say all this?!

Katya: I guess it was just stupid, since she became a merchant's wife, rather than him being a noble woman's husband!

Natalia: Shut up!

Katya's face is red now--she has no clue how she got so angry. But perhaps it had to do with the way Natalia is snapping back at her and how she loathes the idea of living in a family built on lies.

Natalia:You have no idea about my parents! Maybe you're that way! Scheming to get something!

Katya: What's wrong about scheming?!

Natalia: But maybe I am the problem!

Katya: I'm not doing that, but why judge someone who does want to climb the ladder?

Natalia: Maybe it was not their fault, but mine.

Katya: My main problem is with the idea of denying reality and saying something is SO great and SO fairy-tale like when it clearly is the opposite!

Katya: There you go again. Why do you always blame yourself?

Katya: I thought you hated your mother.

Katya: Why don't you blame her?

Natalia: You make it sound like my mother was some scheming charlatan and my father was some desperate old goat!

Natalia: Yes, that is what you make it sound like!

Katya: And so what if that was the truth?

Natalia: Yes, I want to blame her!

Katya: Does it really change anything?

Katya: All of this has already happened! Moral judgments never make any sense in reality

Natalia: But if I governed myself better, I could have prevented so much!

[mbti-notes]

ENFJ w/ ENFP brother. Thank you for answering my question. I think you misread or read into things, like assuming I was meddling, when my Aunt reached out to me w/ her concerns. It wasn't prompted by me. Also, I've always been my brother's cheerleader, sending him random encouraging texts throughout his college experience and after. Cheerleading alone didn't get him the outcome he desired, and it's hard to see him or anyone else suffer and not do anything-especially when I've been prompted.

I debated whether to respond because your message was defensive and really missed the point. I will respond once more out of sympathy, but this will be the last time unless there is an obvious effort to overcome the defensiveness. Your focus is misdirected. You ask me for “immediate solutions” to your brother’s problem and resent what is said about your part; however, you are unable to articulate what the source of his problem is, and how can you solve a problem when you don’t know the cause? My contention is that you don’t understand his problem because you are unable to understand his perspective, otherwise, you would be able to help (and I stated that I believe your intention is to help though you chose the wrong methods).

Is it or is it not true that he has no confidence in you and thus won’t listen to you? The point you’ve missed is that it doesn’t matter how great your or my ideas are, they are completely useless if the poor state of the relationship does not allow you to communicate ideas with him. Therefore, the first problem that needs solving is not the job search but your relationship to him, specifically, why it is so broken that communication has ceased. Relationships are a two-way street. You point the finger at him as having the problem rather than looking at why the two of you have a problem. If you are unwilling to reflect on how you contribute to the dysfunctional relationship and want to pin all the blame on him for “misinterpreting” you, then stop reading now, because then we fundamentally disagree about the facts of the problem. I was outlining common Fe vs Fi issues so that you could reflect upon possible dysfunctional patterns in your relationship with your brother, nothing more, nothing less. You mistook it as “blame” and became defensive. My response hasn’t substantially changed:

Your aunt reached out to you with her concerns about him. Are you suggesting that this gives you license to involve yourself in their relationship despite the fact that it is none of your business and he won’t listen to you (i.e. you are unable to offer a useful solution)? Are you aware that you always have a choice to stay out of a situation when you don’t know what to do? Are you aware that you could cause unintentional harm when you try to help without having all the facts (and thus appear to be siding against him or ganging up on him)? 

You state that you don’t think of anyone as being “broken” and have been nothing but a “cheerleader” to your brother. Are you rewriting history to conceal your missteps (something Se loop+Ti grip often does)? Why then does he react so negatively to your “help”? Why then does he explicitly have to tell you to stop it with your “unsolicited advice”? Why then does he feel compelled to “prove you wrong” about him? Are you suggesting that the problem lies entirely with him and his inability to understand you? Are you suggesting that he’s making you into an enemy without any provocation whatsoever, i.e., that he is entirely at fault for the breakdown in this relationship? 

You say that you understand some people don’t like to ask for help but that you are always receptive to help when offered. Are you suggesting that, if this is true for you, then it should also be true for him, or everyone for that matter? Are you suggesting that because your brother is not receptive to YOUR brand of help, then he is not receptive to ANY help? 

You said you gave him suggestions that “play to his strengths” and you don’t understand how it could be misinterpreted as negative. Did he ask you for suggestions? Did he express to you that he wanted your “random encouragement”? If not, why are you giving unsolicited advice/comments, especially when he has explicitly stated that he does not want it?

You said that your advice to get a temporary job was “meant to imply that you have faith in him”, even though I explained to you in detail why this kind of “fixing” advice is destructive to FPs and directly undermines your stated goal (of letting him know that he can move at his own pace). Are you suggesting that there is no need to reflect on how your communication is received because your “intent” is the only thing that matters and people should “just know” exactly what you are “implying”? 

You asked me to let you know if your “Ti is off”. You should use Fe, not Ti, to feel people’s feelings and understand them. From exercising healthy Fe empathy, you will be far better situated to know what he really needs (as opposed to guessing, making blind assumptions, or projecting from your own expectations). Ti, especially the lower Ti style of “dissecting and defending”, does not help because it usually serves to worsen ENFJ personality problems, such as: trouble empathizing, egocentric perspective, hypercritical me vs them attitude, self-victimizing rumination, oversensitivity to criticism, miscalculation of cause and effect, misdirection of blame. Misusing Ti such that it shuts down proper Fe use is the wrong direction to go in.

You’re essentially wanting me to look at him without looking at you, which I believe is useless when your dysfunctional relationship is the biggest obstacle at present. I will speak in the abstract if it is less threatening:

If an ENFJ often suffers from: Fe insecurity that takes everything too personally and doesn’t know how to draw appropriate relationship boundaries, Ni presumptuousness/arrogance that is resistant to deep self-reflection, Se loop twisting of facts and overreaction to negativity, and/or unnecessary Ti grip defensiveness and blame, then the ENFJ is NOT in a good position to provide an ENFP the kind of unconditionally supportive emotional environment that they require to practice self-care and nurture Fi development.

One cannot be helpful without getting a good idea of where the other person is coming from, and one cannot know another’s perspective when their own issues are constantly getting in the way. Whether you suffer from these common ENFJ problems is your job to reflect on; whether these common ENFJ problems create obstacles in your relationships is your job to reflect on - I have absolutely no interest in making these judgments for you or about you. You don’t seem to know that Se loop is negative, you mention “Ti loop” instead of Ti grip - misusing terminology makes your knowledge of function theory appear quite lacking. Fear of brokenness is an unconscious low Ti related fear that makes ENFJs want to defend and deflect blame when criticized rather than reflect constructively on how they can improve (i.e. resistance to Ni and Ti development). Suffering from Se loop and Ti grip directly interfere with the empathic Fe objectivity that ENFJs require to resolve relationship problems effectively.

He needs to develop Fi in order to grow, but you’ve shown that you don’t understand Fi, and worse, your tone-deaf Fe-Ti often offends his Fi-Te, so how can you help him with his Fi development? I reiterate these problems: You don’t display enough empathy for his feelings nor deep understanding of his perspective; you suggest “fixes” before you’ve even understood what his problem really is; you shoot ideas/comments at him without knowing how they make him feel; you give him the form of help that YOU believe he should need or that YOU should want if you were in his position (but he’s not you). Are you aware that these behaviors, even when well-intentioned, are counter-productive to building a good relationship between FJs and FPs? Be brutally honest, do you learn mbti to increase your respect for how others think quite differently than you, or do you only learn it as a means to “manage people” into doing what you believe they should do? Are you prepared to reflect on yourself and change any problematic behaviors in an effort to repair the relationship with him so that he might be more open to receiving your help? If you believe that you have no reason to change anything and you should both just be responsible to yourselves and leave it at that, then ignore this entire message.

I don’t hand out short-term bandaids. The long-term solution is to mend your relationship, which means that you must listen to him with genuine openness and empathy - no judgment, no opinions, no blame, no advice, no suggestions, no fixes, no management, no overstepping boundaries - the way forward will naturally present itself when he trusts you enough to open up about his problem and talk about it authentically and explore ideas in a safe space. You can’t force trust, you have to earn it, so what have you done to earn his trust? Maybe the relationship is so broken that he won’t trust you no matter what you do, but there is no way for me to judge that matter, only he can tell you. Perhaps he has too many problems of his own to bother with you. The point is that you’re not able to pinpoint exactly what the problem is between you because you don’t have his perspective.

If you genuinely wanted to get at the truth of your relationship problem, it wouldn’t be very difficult to ask for his side of the story and, without rushing to judge or defend, LISTEN to how he has been impacted by your behavior toward him, then you would know exactly what needs to be changed in order for him to start taking you seriously, then you’d at least know where to begin and have a chance to consider all your options. Are you able to approach him with genuine humility and openness, such as: “I feel sad about our distant relationship. Have I done something to push you away? Have I done something wrong? Is there something I can do to repair the relationship? Is there something you believe I should change in order for us to get along better? How can I support you better?” Are you able to listen to his truth and respond maturely to it? If not, how can he trust you and how can you help him?