#but I'll be off from this job for like 2 months come december so that would be the BEST POSSIBLE TIME

[altruistic-meme]

so the ideal time for me to get any surgery would be this coming December but unfortunately there is no way in hell I'll be able to

[thezombieprostitute]

Frayed - Part 3

Summary: There are so many new things happening in your life that the only two things you can count on are your boyfriend, Mace, and that your life is almost always in danger. 

A/N: Reader is female. No physical descriptors used.

Warnings: Implied death and violence. Please let me know if I missed any!

A/N2: Written for @the-slumberparty's December Daze Challenge.

Prompt: the electricity is out, let's keep each other warm

Part 2 -- Part 4

Series Masterlist

It's been a few months since the scare at the ice cream parlor. You've significantly calmed. Well, at least you're no longer looking over your shoulder every 20 seconds and you don't wince every time you walk past the parlor. Not that you did much walking. Mace was insistent on driving you to and from work. As much as Teach pushed, the priority for the family was still finding out who put out a hit on Steve's wife. You can't say you blame him. You just had someone try to intimidate some information out of you. She's got someone literally gunning for her!

You've gotten into your routine with work and Mace's security measures. Your job has been getting, maybe not easier, but certainly more tolerable. Dr. Beck is very patient with you for the grant writing aspect of your job. Practically begging for funding was something you'd never had to do with Wilford & Gilliam. But, then again, they weren't a non-profit. You hated having to ask for funds to replace machinery that was outdated almost a decade ago. It was definitely your least favorite task and you always needed to shut out as much peripheral interference as you could.

When you take your lunch break in your "office", you also take your phone off Do Not Disturb. There were several texts from Mace and a missed phone call from Teach. Your breath hitches as you listen to the voicemail.

"DC we've gotten word that Franco is in your area," Teach's voice informs you. "I haven't told Mace yet, I'll let you do that. For now I need you to stay out of sight at the clinic. I'll call again when we're sure it's all clear."

You feel the tears form in your eyes at the panic building in your chest. More than that, it's the frustration. You were doing what you knew to be the right thing. You were saving lives and making sure people were held accountable. And you've lost so much for it! You lost your salary, your apartment, even your health and well being! As much as you've heard people talking about taking comfort in doing what's right, standing up for others, you can't help but mourn what you used to have.

You start sobbing, months and months of pent up frustration and anger finding their way out. To your credit you don't throw anything, knowing you'd just hate yourself if you did. You desperately want to call Mace, have him come and hold you, comfort you, but if he shows up, he might get spotted by Franco and ID'd as part of the Family and then he'd be in even more danger than usual. It just all feels so unfair.

By the time Mace picks you up, you've gotten the all clear from Teach. You don't tell Mace about it. It'd just make him worry all the more and there's really nothing he can or could have done about it except put himself in danger. You decide to just plant a smile on your face and ask him to hold you extra tight tonight.

As soon as you're in the passenger seat Mace asks, "what's wrong? Did something happen?"

"Huh?"

"Your eyes," he points to your face. "You've been crying."

"It's just been a long day, AC," you sigh. "Please, let's just get home."

He nods and pulls away from the free clinic. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No," you shake your head sadly. "It's just...life. You know?"

He nods thoughtfully. You're so lost in trying to hide your pain you miss the brief look of pain on his face. He knows how much your life has changed since the two of you reunited and he's scared he's not enough for you. That you're going to change your mind about moving away and go on to bigger and better things, just like after high school.

The rest of the trip home is spent in silence.

Back at the apartment, Mace is quick to start cooking. You hug him from behind and thank him for taking care of you. He looks over his shoulder at you, "it's the least I can do, DC. You've been the best thing to happen to me in years." You squeeze him a little tighter. "I hope you always know that," he adds. He feels you nod against his shoulder and smiles.

You finally let go of him when it's clear he needs to move around to do the cooking. You settle onto the couch and put on one of his hoodies. Your shoulders are finally starting to relax when the power goes out.

"Shit!" Mace shouts from the kitchen. You grab your phone and turn on the flashlight to help him see so he doesn't burn himself. "Thanks, DC!" he huffs as turns off the burners and gets things secured. He sighs, "I'm not gonna ask you to hold that light the entire time so we'll just leave the cooking for later."

You nod and he gets out his own phone. Together you find some emergency candles and get them lit so you can save on battery life. Mace goes to the window and looks out. You hear a soft "huh".

"What's wrong? The entire block out?"

"No, it might just be the building," he says slowly. He pulls out his phone and makes a phone call. "Jake, can you check my building's area for power outages?" A pause. "No wi-fi because the power is out." A longer pause. "Shit. Was there any activity on Walker or Franco recently?" A short pause before his head shoots up and he looks at you. "We'll keep ourselves locked up, just make sure someone's doing a sweep and send Hal to check the usual suspects for the building losing power."

He hangs up the phone, his eyes never leaving you. "Why didn't you tell me?"

You don't bother trying to deflect or play dumb. "Because what good would it do? You'd be putting yourself in danger if you came to the clinic off schedule. And by the time you were picking me up, I'd gotten the all clear."

His jaw clenches and the muscles in his neck tighten. "You should have told me."

"Again, what would be the point?" you ask, your voice starting to rise.

"I could've posed it as taking you to a surprise lunch date or something and gotten you out of there."

"Then he'd know you were associated with me and that could put you in danger either as leverage for me to talk or because they now know who you're working for! There was nothing that could be done so I didn't tell you because I didn't want you hurt or stressed out by the futility of knowing!"

"Because then you wouldn't be suffering alone!"

"I'm already suffering alone!" you scream. "You didn't lose your high paying job. You didn't lose your sense of safety. You didn't lost a damn thing! I did! And it fucking sucks because I don't want to hurt you but I need to grieve, but I don't want to stress you out, but I need some fucking release, but I don't want to be even more of a burden on you, but I---"

"Burden?" he interrupts. "When have I ever given you the indication that you're a burden?"

"Oh come on, Mace," you scoff. "You took on a protection duty you were never qualified for. You abetted a murder to keep me safe. You drive me to and from work practically every day and it's very much out of your way to do so! You cook for us and check in on me. I have to be a burden."

The candlelight is strong enough you can see the pain written all over his face. He strides towards you, back you against a wall, and puts his arms on either side of your face.

"You're not a burden," he whispers hoarsely. "I don't do these things because I have to. I do them because I care about you and want to take care of you." You sniffle, trying not to cry again. "I know you lost so much in all of this. I've been...I've been scared you'd think I'm not enough of a reason to stick around. That you'd realize you miss your old life and you'd leave to another country where you could have that life again."

You chuckle, "so we definitely both need to work on our communication skills."

Mace nods, "I also think we could use a vacation. I've got so much time saved up, I've just never had a reason to use it."

"A vacation sounds nice," you nod. "Just the two of us. No work stress."

Mace opens his mouth to say something but then his phone rings. You nod your assurance for him to answer it. He listens for a couple minutes but finally nods and says, "alright, thanks Hal. And make sure to thank GBH for me." A pause. "I know he creeps you out but do it for me?" Another pause. "Thanks." He hangs up.

"No sign of foul play," Mace reports. "I forgot to look out the other side of the building. The buildings behind us are the ones on our power grid, not the ones out this window." He shakes his head, "I feel kinda stupid for calling them up."

"Another sign you need a vacation," you add. "Gotta get your head back on straight."

He nods and pulls you in for a hug. "In the meantime, how about we spend the night keeping each other warm under the blankets? At least until the power comes back on."

"That sounds like a plan."

Tagging:

@alicedopey; @chibijusstuff; @delicatebarness; @fluxxdog; @icefrozendeadlyqueen; @irishhappiness; @jamneuromain; @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory; @lokislady82; @rebekahdawkins; @ronearoundblindly; @texmexdarling; @thiquefunlover63

[honeyjars-sims]

My 𝐓𝐨𝐩 24 𝐒𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 from 2024🎉

Thank you @lynzishell for tagging me! This was very hard--so much happened in my story this year! I will tag @tipsy-clouds, @beachyserasims, @feroshgirlsims, and @miss-may-i if you'd like to participate!

January

Chapter 2 started off on a high note. Love was in the air...certainly nothing could go wrong 😬 Chantal, Johnny, and Cece were all experiencing the thrill of new romances, but only one couple would survive the year.

February

While Nico's mask was starting to slip, Johnny and Lexie also hit a bump in the road on their trip to GraNITE Falls (which I totally know the name of and didn't make a bunch of graphics with the completely wrong name on them...nope, not me). At least Johnny and Lexie ended the month on a high note, right? RIGHT?

March

I really put poor Johnny through it in March, didn't I? Not long after unexpectedly coming face to face with the man who made his childhood a living hell, Johnny ended up in tears again when Lexie revealed she was a lesbian and ended their relationship.

April

Revenge is delicious and Chantal was ready to eat! And eat she did. She turned the tables on Nico and Ambrose after agreeing to testify on their behalf in court, only to show up on the stand in support of the prosecution. Later, David prepared to leave for Drag Superstar, feeling uncertain about how his family would fare without him as Chapter 2 drew to a close.

May

I took a break as I prepared for Chapter 3.

June

I took a chance and started off Chapter 3 with a flash-forward to Johnny's future wedding day with a mystery spouse. Followed by going back to the present day where Carina and Skyla finally reached him about his car's extended warranty entertained him after a night at the club.

July

Johnny continued to make questionable life choices until David finally laid down the law, leading Johnny to a new job as a Production Assistant at Rainy Day Entertainment. He met his new boss, Lucy, and they became fast friends. Also, he got the cutest cat ever named Taco.

August

I built a motherfuckin mountain. I sent everyone to the mountain, then I photoshopped the shit out of the view from the mountain. Actually I finished the mountain earlier in the year...I spent many hours building and demolishing and rebuilding it while my personal life fell apart around me. And, like this mountain, I will build it back up. This is where Johnny met Lucy's brother Paul, which turned out to be a pretty big deal. Also, bonus pics of the moment PJ met in the game (in this timeline at least):

Wow they're in love

Later, Johnny was in for a surprise when he discovered the students joining the team for a new program were none other than Lexie and her friends. Awkward!

September

While things continued to be awkward between Johnny and Lexie, he got closer to his red herring co-worker Lacey. Meanwhile, Cece and Ben made time for each other the best that the could while he was on the road.

October

October was all about Drag Superstar! We followed David, aka Valerie Galloway, on his journey as a contestant. From the highs of winning the girl group challenge ("Guess I'll C-U-N-Tartosa!") to the lows of being eliminated when the stress became too much to bear, it was a wild ride!

November

November was the month of big reveals. In Drag Superstar, Lady Astrid was crowned the winner! Cece and Ben got engaged and Chantal quit school to pursue her dreams. Things began looking up for Johnny, who finally mended his friendship with Lexie and was thriving at work. After his dads decided to move to a smaller house, Johnny started on a journey of his own as he moved to a new community with a roommate, Paul...oh, and I revealed that Paul is the one who Johnny will eventually marry! Sorry, Lacey.

December

While I set up for Chapter 4, I've been having fun doing some gameplay. Johnny and Paul are getting closer and Taco is letting the world know that she will not be ignored.

This year has honestly been one of the hardest in my life, but I don't think I could have gotten through it without this hobby and this community. It means more than you'll ever know. I've been more quiet this year but my goal for 2025 is to be more interactive.

I'm so excited for another year of sharing this story and seeing everything that this community has to offer. Also I'm super pumped thinking about what the top 25 screenshots for 2025 will be like, because I have a feeling they're going to be some of the most fun yet!

[amadeusgame]

December Devlog: A Year of Progress

After launching the updated, feature-complete demo last month, I promised that by the end of 2024 I would have an updated timeline of expectations for the full release of Amadeus: A Riddle for Thee ~ Episode 1 ~ Waltz. I feel this is especially important given how many times I pushed back the launch date this year.

I think I now understand why that happened.

TL;DR:

Part 1 - On Episode 1's Timeline

Episode 1's timeline was repeatedly pushed back because I realized making the game good mattered more to me than meeting an arbitrary deadline.

The full episode will release in 2025.

A date will not be announced until the game is nearly finished.

Part 2 - Looking Back at 2024

A list of milestones between the original February demo release and the recent feature-complete update.

Read on if you'd like a lot more words on what this year has been like, and where things are at right now.

Steam | itch.io | More Links

On Episode 1's Timeline

Amadeus began development when I was in grad school studying music composition. I was in an environment where deadlines were external and they were tight, and I learned the incredibly difficult skill of "how to scope properly to actually finish things." This skill is invaluable and the very first public demo for Amadeus (the web-based one with no ink or color assets) was a product of those priorities: it was finished on a really ambitious timeline, and certain corners were cut to just get something out there on time.

One of those cut corners was definitely the narrative. I hadn't actually figured out where I was going with the story. Even in the version from February that was released on itch and Steam, I only had a vague idea of what the full story was; it was not until just last month that I had released a game accurately representing the introduction to a fully planned-out, 5-part story.

This past year, I slowly shifted priorities away from the grad school #grindset and back towards making a work of art that I am really happy with. I could have chosen to stick with my fall 2024 release date just to get something out there. If I had, the narrative would be less coherent, it would lack several gameplay features, and it wouldn't look or sound as good. It would exist, but it wouldn't be the game that it will be, now that I chose instead to take extra time and make a better game.

I do have a final release date in mind, and I am going to earnestly work towards meeting it. But I've finally learned my most important lesson from 2024: I won't announce the release date until I'm certain it will be met, until the game is finished save for pure nice-to-haves. I don't want to make any more promises that won't be kept.

I WILL make a promise that I'm certain I can keep: it's coming in 2025. If you play the updated demo I hope that you will feel confident in this too. The baseline of the game is finished and it's feeling really, really good.

So! Where are we now, a month after that demo update?

This month I've had to briefly shift focus to real life and getting a new job. My current job is part-time which has allowed me more time to focus on Amadeus, but I am not very passionate about the work itself which has ultimately caused me to burn out, both on the clock and off. It's resulted in me not being able to take advantage of my spare time because work stress was seeping into it. I am really hopeful that what I'll be moving to instead will be personally fulfilling, and still leave more time for Amadeus than a typical 40-hour 5-day work week.

While the lifestyle shift was my main priority, I still did a lot of project management work to get back into development for the final stretch. It's been a month of pulling my head out of the weeds on the now-finished demo and zooming back out to look at the full episode's remaining needs. I've read back through all of my brainstorming and planning materials, catalogued these materials for ease of future reference (which are in about 8 million different physical notebooks and digital files), and revised my outline to make sure it all makes sense with the narrative that's now finalized.

It's not the kind of month where I have lots of nice flashy things to show, but this work was definitely necessary for me to get in the right headspace to finish the rest of the project. And I did find the time to draw another background! Dartmaure now has a downtown plaza:

 December 2024 has been an important month to get me excited about the full scope of this project again and find a work-life situation that will let me stay motivated in the long term. That's vital, because Amadeus is turning into even more of a long-term commitment than I'd already known it would be.

Speaking of long-term... I want to take the remainder of this devlog to look back on the full year. I have been working on Amadeus for nearly 2 years at this point, but this past year in particular has been kind of insane.

At the start of 2024, I thought that by the end of it I would have released Episode 1, which didn't happen. I had also thought that the final episode would look and play almost exactly like the first demo, just with some additional scenes; this isn't what happened, either.

As it turns out, the game I would end up building has so much more polish and depth to it. It would even get exhibited at MAGWest's Indies showcase! I genuinely think the game I am making exceeds all of my own prior expectations of what a game I would create all on my own could be.

(I mean, let's be clear: it's still a janky no-budget solo indie passion project by most standards. But it's so much more polished and has so much more depth to it, narratively and aesthetically, even mechanically, than I would have possibly imagined a year ago.)

It's really come together over the past year, a little bit at a time.

Looking Back at 2024

February 2024 - Original Demo Release

Launched the original version of the Episode 1 ~ Waltz demo on itch.io and Steam.

This version isn't playable on itch anymore, nor is it accurate to the narrative. You can opt into the old build on Steam if you are curious, as a matter of pure historical record.

March 2024 - 100 Wishlists on Steam

Perspective: this number is small for most developers, but it was a major milestone for me.

April 2024  - Wrote a Mystery Game

Took a month away from Amadeus to write a game for the Mystery Game Jam: Robot Detective and the Case of the Automurderated Intern.

The jam host described it as having an "Agatha Christie-like twist."

This collaboration let me focus purely on the craft of writing, which later helped me really improve Amadeus's story.

June 2024 - Steam Next Fest & Major Narrative Benchmark

Participated in my first Steam Next Fest.

Very stressful and a great learning experience.

Finalized the game's full narrative and wrote 1st draft of the entire script.

July 2024 - Major Mechanics Benchmark

Coded & implemented a majority of needed key mechanics, including:

glossary menu

save & load

seamless audio looping

rich text support

visual feedback on mouseover

August 2024 - Getting There

Made an opening cinematic that plays in-game.

Redesigned menus and interactive screen UI.

Finished a new, convention-exclusive build for Amadeus.

September 2024 - MAGWest

My first ever tabling experience!

Received so much motivating, inspiring, and positive feedback on the game.

Gained confidence that the game is in a good place to be finished based on this foundation.

People loved the art and sound direction :)

November 2024 - Feature-Complete Demo

Released the current feature-complete demo update for Amadeus.

Demo build is based on the MAGWest build with additional features and a new scene.

Currently live! On itch and Steam.

For those of you that have been following the game since February, most of this isn't news; but it's still really motivating to look back and see how much was accomplished in a year. Thank you so much for following this project. Please look forward to the full release - I promise it will be so worth it!

Happy new year - and don't forget to bookmark linktr.ee/amadeusgame for all of your Amadeus-related needs. ;)

[ashes-writing-corner]

Hey guys so I'm back with this last part for Ghosts that We Knew! The story isn't over, I'm still gonna write for ghost!Ghost, just think of this as like...a season finale if that makes sense! I'll be back for "season 2" in December but I wanna take this month to work on my original story. That being said, this is kind of a long one! I hope you guys like it ^^

Taglist: @stargatenovus

Ghosts That We Knew

Part 8- Abandonment Issues

You were more than excited to hear the news: your deal had gone through for your new Cafe and bakery! The lease would be there for two years, and if your business was profitable, the place would become yours. The previous owner, now your lease holder, was a sweet older lady who had originally tried to use the place as a small tea shop, so everything you needed was mostly there. You sat Ellie down and told her the news, the little girl squeaking loudly with excitement. It was only a short distance away, about a ten minute drive from your place, so you didn't need to move, much to Ghost's relief. 

He was happy for you, he really was. But he was certain that he wouldn't be able to bear it if you left. Maybe it was his abandonment issues talking, but he always had a feeling you would leave. He couldn't blame you. The apartment wasn't the best admittedly, despite your best effort to make it a home. His death, he knew, left a heaviness around and he knew that wasn't good for Ellie. Or really you for that matter. 

Now that he knew the truth, he had been contemplating the best way to tell you. But how best to do it? You even said you didn't want to know about your donor, that the heart would feel even less like yours. But if you found out on your own, it would breed resentment. 

There was no "right" way to go about this. Only the lesser of two evils. A rock and a hard place. 

Wasn't the first time Simon was stuck in a situation like that, though he had hoped the last one would legit be the last one. 

He was selfish, he knew. He didn't want you and Ellie to leave. As far as he was concerned, you two were his family and he loved you both as best he could. But at the same time, he knew his presence in your life would only hold you back. He had thrown away his chance to live and he knew it was wrong to be so clingy to the living. 

But it was a fact. One day you and Ellie would leave, and most likely he would never see you two again. The thought filled him with dread. He wanted you to stay, but knew that just wasn't possible. The thought of you one day leaving broke something in him as he turned from the living room and back down the hall to his closet. It slammed shut, startling you and Ellie as the room grew cold. 

"Ghost?!" Ellie hopped off the sofa to the closet door and thief to open it, but it wouldn't budge, "Ghost?! What's wrong?!". 

You followed after your little girl, worried for him too. "Ghost? Hey, what's going on? Come talk to us" 

You pulled the communicator app back up, wondering what was going on. He hadn't done anything like that in months and it was concerning. He didn't want to talk, though. He wanted to be left alone, to get used to solitude again. It was best to start breaking hearts now rather than waiting for you two to break his anew. 

"Ghost…please. I can't fix this if I don't know what's wrong". 

"You can't fix this" he wanted to tell you, just like you had told him that night a few months ago, but he stayed quiet. 

"Ghost, are you mad at us?" Ellie asked, sad and worried. 

Horrid negative thoughts were going through his mind, the same ones from the night he died. He was useless, thinking that he could make the world a better place by himself. No one loved him, and anyone who did was dead because of him. Everyone would be better off without him, they just tolerated him because of the job. And now he felt like you two only tolerated him because you lived here. The hall was going icy cold as those thoughts pervaded his mind. 

Ellie wasn't about to stand for it. The little girl stepped to the closet door and put her hand on the knob. You moved to grab it. 

"Sweetie no, that's his space" you told her. 

"He needs us mama! We gotta go in there!". 

"Nöelle, listen to me. We do not overstep boundaries. Much less the boundaries of the dead when they've drawn a hard line. The closet is his space and we need to mind it"

"But mama-"

"Nöelle L/N! No more. You heard me. He will come to us in his own time. He'll be fine, I promise". 

Ellie looked saddened at that as she looked at the door. "I just want him to know that we're here for him…he thinks of us like family". 

Your tone softened at that. "He does now?". 

The little girl nodded. "We talk a lot". 

"I can imagine…" you responded thoughtfully, "we talked a little bit a few nights ago. I…I actually saw him, felt him". 

"You think Didi would've liked Ghost?" Ellie asked, cocking her head. 

Didi was the title Ellie had given to your late partner, and she hadn't talked about them in a long time. Although assigned male at birth, they didn't conform to gender norms and preferred to be referred to by they/them. When picking a parent title upon Ellie's adoption, they picked Didi because one they thought it was cure, and two it was probably the least confusing option. 

"I think Didi would've taken a while to like him, but I think they'd be good friends in the end" you finally answered.

"Maybe Didi sent him!" Ellie's face lit up at the idea, which made you smile. 

"It's…plausible" you shrugged a little. 

As negative as his feelings were in the moment, Ghost listened in. He definitely wasn't sent by anyone, but he didn't want to crush Ellie's belief in that. From what he understood, Didi had also been a soldier, unfortunately killed in the line of duty while trying to protect younger members of his unit. They had died honorably, a hero's death, very much unlike himself. 

"Fucking coward" his mind hissed at him viciously, "at least their death fucking meant something…while you made yourself brain dead in a tiny cramped closet…". 

He didn't want to think about it, but the mind was a terrible thing even in death…

Ghost didn't know how long he stayed in that closet, wallowing in his misery. It made him feel pathetic. He was supposed to be better than that, stronger than that. But ghosts were by nature miserable creatures, and unfortunately he was no exception. When he did finally emerge, he didn't know who to really go to first. You were in your room, making plans for your new bakery and Cafe. He didn't want to disrupt you. Ellie was in her room, playing with her stuffies and dressing them up for the night's events. 

It was that day again. 

Halloween. 

It explained why he felt his emotions more vividly today. It was the anniversary of his death. Now it was three years ago…

Damn time really did fly by when you were dead. 

He watched from a corner of Ellie's room as she sat her three favorite plushies (a bunny, a red panda, and a grizzly bear) at a play table and was giving them tea. It seemed he was interrupting a Halloween themed tea party. This could've been his life, he realized sadly. He could've been here playing with her, or at least helping you with preparations. 

Could've, Would've, and Should've…the three damn stooges of life (and death apparently…). 

He knew it was selfish, but he didn't want either of you to leave. He wanted this to be forever, to be permanent. You and Ellie were all he had now, all that reminded him of what it was like to be alive. You both made him feel something so sweet, a feeling that filled his chest and seemed to spread to every fiber of his being. It was warm, so warm, he realized, that for a moment he almost felt like he was indeed alive again. 

Was this love? Was this obsession? Maybe a combination of the two? He knew he didn't want it to go away. He didn't want either of you to leave him. Ghost just…didn't want to be alone anymore. 

"Ghost?" Ellie's voice pulled him away from his thoughts, "what's wrong?". 

Something inside of him softened at the question. Ellie was a complete sweetheart and he adored her. She had a huge heart for someone so small. 

"I'm alright, lovely. It's just…a rough day for me is all" he answered. 

"Why's that?" Ellie asked, pulling out a small chair for him at her table. 

Behind his mask, he smiled half amused. It was so tiny but he'd never turn down an offer to sit with the little girl's favorite friends. He sat down and she stayed close to him. 

"Halloweens a rough one for me. I…I did a really dumb thing that-"

"Did you die today?" She asked, still feeling sad for him. 

There was no point in hiding it. "Unfortunately…"

"What's it like?". 

"To die? Not something you need to know about yet. Not for a very, very long time". 

"Like when I'm thirty!"

He couldn't help but chuckle at that. Kids were funny even when they weren't trying to be. 

"Way longer than that lovey". 

Her eyes widened. "When I'm a hundred?!". 

That actually got him full on laughing. "That would be preferred actually".

A long full life is what she deserved. It's what they both deserved, really. Ellie looked at him, her eyes warm and sweet, but there was concern in them. 

"What's the matter, Ghost? Why were you sad earlier?" She asked.

"It's not something for you to worry yourself with sweetie" he tried to assure her, "my troubles are mine to deal with". 

"But Ghost…you're family" she told him, "and family's always there for each other". 

Ghost frowned but his eyes softened. "It's just…I don't wanna lose you and your mum. I care about you girls, a lot. More than I ever expected to. But at the same time…I know you guys can't stay forever". 

"Who says that?" Ellie asked. 

"It's complicated. You may be able to stay now but…eventually I know you both are gonna wanna leave. And when you do, I don't know if I'll be able to follow you. I mean, I might but it's gonna take a lot out of me". 

"We would never leave you" Ellie looked at him with utmost determination, "at least I wouldn't". 

"Thank you darling. I wouldn't even think of leaving you either" he wanted to keep himself from going into too much depth about his feelings. 

A lot of them were too heavy, too complicated for a little child to understand. He just didn't want to feel like he did in his last days: alone, and like he had no one. His loneliness was not her burden and he wouldn't dare burden her with it. 

"Oh! Mama helped me get a costume together! I'm gonna be a skeleton ghost like you!". 

Ghost blinked. Wait…she wanted to be him for Halloween? That was…interesting. He looked at Ellie intrigued. 

"I'll show you! I won't look as cool as you, but I wanted to do something like you-". 

"Honey?" Your voice called through the door, "Ellie? Is everything okay?". 

"Yeah mama…Ghost came out of the closet!". 

That got a chuckle out of him. Ellie turned to him.

"Something funny?" She asked as you came in. 

You yourself couldn't see him but felt he was definitely there. The chill was the best indicator. It wasn't a sad chill unlike earlier though, it was more of just how he was naturally. 

"Just a funny thought, dear" Ghost told Ellie as he stood when you came in. 

You looked at Ellie. "We'll need to get you ready soon. Is it alright if I borrow him for a bit?". 

Your little girl nodded. "He likes to talk to you mama. I don't mind. I think he was scared earlier". 

"Scared?". 

Ellie nodded. "He'll explain it if he's up for it". 

You raised a brow as you looked toward the empty seat. "I'll wait for you in my room". 

Ghost nodded, though he knew you couldn't see. Mostly out of respect, being rather disciplined even in death. You waited for him as Ellie busied herself for the night's candy hunt, setting up the app and placing the phone between the two of you. 

"So…Ellie says you're scared. Something scares you?" You asked, looking ahead, as Ghost stood at the end of your bed. 

He responded, the app only picking up: Don't. Leave. 

"I'm just taking Ellie out for-" it dawned on you, "wait you mean…don't leave here, as in don't leave you?". 

Yes. 

You frowned at that. "Ghost, we aren't gonna leave you. You're pretty much a part of our family at this point. Why would you think we'd just up and leave you?". 

Better. Home.

"Well yeah the apartment's a bit small, and eventually I would like to get my own place-". 

Don't. Leave. Me. 

"Ghost, can't you follow us? I've seen ghosts do that on TV all the time". 

Not. Strong. Enough. 

That didn't help things. "We have a few years, Ghost. We'll cross that bridge once we get there. But I want you to know that Ellie and I, I promise you, we will not abandon you. If you're able to come with us, if we do get a new home, there will always be space and room for you. I'll even make sure we get a spare room, to use for you most days. My sister or my mom might come over every so often so you'd have to take the haunting down a tad, but other than that, it'd be yours. I just want you to be happy and if we make you happy, then you're definitely free to come with us. I won't stop you. I don't want to". 

And you meant it. Ghost really was a part of your family, in a way. He made life interesting. He was kind, when he could be, and gentle when he had to be. Who knew a ghost could be such a positive thing? To an extent, you wondered if he was a guardian angel of sorts, perhaps even sent by your partner. It was a stretch but an interesting thought. 

As for Ghost, he sensed no lies on you. You meant every word and then some. He could trust you, despite something in him deep down telling him it wasn't smart. 

"Be careful who you trust, sergeant. People you know can hurt you the most" he remembered telling Soap all those years ago…

But just like Soap, he trusted you. You, just like him, had weaseled your ways into his heart, figuratively and literally. It seemed his defenses were easier to slip through than he realized…

Soap. 

"What?" That was the second time in the past month he mentioned soap. You looked at your phone puzzled. 

Johnny. 

You didn't know anyone named Johnny. You looked up at the supposed blank space where the apparition was. "Who is that?". 

Mac. Tavish. 

"Johnny and Mac Tavish?" You didn't get it. 

Soap. 

"Okay you aren't making any…wait" you blinked, putting the pieces together, "Johnny MacTavish? I don't know anyone with that name". 

You picked the phone up and made a note in it of the name. If time allowed, perhaps you could look it up? 

"Friend of yours?" You asked. 

Yes. 

At least yes or no questions could be easily answered. You gave a soft half smile. "I'll try to look him up later. Gonna help Ellie get ready for trick or treating. Wanna try and join us?". 

Try. 

And that was all you could ask of him. It's all anyone could really ask of anyone...

If you guys liked this please let me know! I love when you guys comment so please feel free to like, comment, and please reblog and tell me your thoughts! I'll be continuing this in December, but for now, I got an original story to work on ^.^ thank you so much :)

-Ash

[dumbpuppycatgirl]

how do I tell if I’m trans

(sorry your my only transfem moot (I think))

Short answer:

I know because being a girl(-adjacent being) makes me happy. Moving towards happiness helped me (even though i sabotage myself at every step every day)

See also:

https://amitrans.org/

https://turn-me-into-a-girl.com/

https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en

My full story under the cut:

My story starts in 2020, like so many modern trans stories do, when i was stuck online and found a new community where someone came out as trans. I asked her a lot of questions and she told me to experiment.

So i experimented, i bought skirts and other clothing online; bought like an anime school girl outfit because idk cute?

I started pretending to be a girl on reddit and discord when i joined a large overwatch server under a mew account, trying out several names.

On reddit i also started looking into trans memes and started reading experiences of trans people.

Within a few months i had made a first decision for myswlf really sternly: i do not want to be a guy.

I started talking about it with my therapist and she was very helpful and supportive.

The community i joined at the start of this story i found more friends and more queer friends and we were joking around having fun.

A real life friend bought some make up for me when i talked with her about me questioning, which was very nice but even 3 years later i have barely actually used any of it. I am terrified of make up, and hate seeing my face. Always hated seeing my face.

In my reading and relating to trans stories i stumbled upon the three websites linked above. The genderdysphoria bibke eslecially was extremely helpful.

After making that first decision around december 2020 and getting help from resl life people around early 2021 it still took forever to answer "if not a man, then what?" Im not sure i have the answer now. What i have figured out now that i have tried make up, wear more femme clothing, go by a fem name and changed my legsl gender is that im generally much happier being a woman.

Im not sure im a woman, or at least maybe not always, but "woman" is much much closer to what i 'am' than "man", if that makes sense.

During the second half of my questioning phase, when i read the dysphoria bible, i started realising that mayyyybe there were hints during my childhood... wanting to play a girl character during the one singular open theatre day i attended when i was like 11 or so might have been a clue.

I realised that my obsession with TF-TG comics was not a cis thing lmao. I realised that men generally dont feel "cursed" to have the body they have.

I did make some changes to my body over time, though, as i started living on my own also in 2020 to be a student i had much more freedom to do things secretly. Bought jewelry to wear inside only, and dyed my hair, which was amazing.

During the summer of 2021, my cousin got married, and i had to wear a suit, of course, which felt painful. Cementing my not wanting to be a man feeling. Dead eye smile all the way.

Later that year i had some talks with my brother about feeling so extremely limited in my choices for clothing and expression and what not and that being a man felt like a prison. He was very nice about it and said that clothing is not gendered if youre not a coward. I liked that a lot.

Soon after i came out as trans fem to my close online friends (none of who were surprised). Meer my now boyfriend that winter and everything was great.... except no one irl knew.

Still took me 3 months to come out to my neighbours (student living so i spent a lot of time with them) and my family. Both coming out messages were sent over WhatsApp at like 2 am and turned off my phone and locked the door. Coming out is hard.

Since then, now 2.5 years later, it had not been all roses and sunshine. But it has been better. I started to feel like i was a person, i started being able to think about a future, beyond extremely surface level, "guess, I'll get a job somewhere and get s house idk". My dad remarked that i stood much more upright when wearing my dress than when boymoding.

My parents luckily took it extremely well, they kinda also had to, as since my coming out my 2 brothers have also been fruity lmao. Within 6 months my family went from "good christian family with 3 sons" to having a trans girl, a gay and a femboy. Im still convinced my mom is an egg. I like my queer family.

Anyway, moral of the story is this: experiment and do what makes you happy. I still dont know how to label myself completely but that is also not too important. Im much happier with myself now than before.

[ask-lighty-ii]

[ oooh thiz is really fun. I barely get to talk to anyone about the alternate world thing :D ]

Ok, lightbulb talkin.

I tried to copy the questionz but this zilly phone we have doezn't want to and zhut off whn I tried [ wonder why ]

Thiz iz gonna be long

Anywayz, you've got zome queztions :3

-- Fan'z queztionz --

1.) "WHATS GOING ON AND WHERE ARE U???"

I don't know!! We're kind of in thiz weird place where therez no objectz but me and zuitcaze.

Everyone elze iz.. y'know how we have armz and ztuff, well imagine the thingz our armz are made of but an entire body. Doez that make any zence?

2.) "CAN WE MEET UP???"

I don't think zo :[ I wanna though, i mizz you guyz

3.) "IS THERR ANOTHER ME WITH YOU?? OR A TEST TUBE?"

nope :[ thatz why we mizz you guyz. I've been here zince the ztart of the month [ zuitcaze hazel been here zince the ztart of lazt month ] [ December 2nd and November 4th to be exact -💼 ]

4.) "AND WHAT HAPPENED TO UR PAINTBRUSH?"

nothing happened, I think, they juzt didnt come with uz ;^;. However it iz we even got here

And hii fan :] hii to all of ya

-- Test tubes questions --

1.) "And, what exactly is your environment like?"

Alright, Suitcase here, Lightbulb briefly explained it. And truly, it's really hard to explain. You think about the real world, I assume, and it seems a lot like that but.. bigger.. more real

Maybe I am not the best person to talk about being real but regardless, there's a lot more stuff we have to on a day to day basis

On ii we just really had the show and besides that, well, it was minor stuff. Nothing took nearly as much effort as what we're doing now.

School, I mean we technically have an unofficial job. Its kind of crazy to be here, everything is so starkly different from how it was before

2.) "Are you aware of... the extents of MeLife, and MePhone4's 'creative ability?' Of Steve Cobs' transgressions"

Unfortunately very much so

As much as I'd like to put everything behind me I still know about.. everything

Once i got comfortable here [ relatively ] I hoped the hallucinations would go away, that I wouldn't be tied to what i was before being transported here. But their not, and... ok, that's enough

3.) "Do you know if you are real?"

Both unfortunately and fortunately not out of context

And yes? Maybe?

Like Lightbulb said earlier we've been here a month [lb] and 2 months respectably

Which means Lightbulb is very much connected to your Lightbulb in an emotional sense [ everything you did in ii feels like she did it essentially. Even though she wasn't necessarily there ]

I, however, do not associate with many actions your Suitcase did in the finale. [ as much as I hate Cobs I couldn't do what your Suitcase did ]. I seemed to have formed here just before your Suitcase was able to overcome her fears and such. Meaning that didn't transfer over to the Suitcase here.

Kind of a side tangent there, but describing "real" isn't really something that comes naturally. Since the concept of "real" is incredibly abstract in and of itself

All this information comes from watching the show by the way, that is something we have access to here.

If I ever find out away to get in better contact with you guys I'll let you know. - 💼⚛️

Zide note, i REALLY want to zend you picturez of us/where we are. But Apricot zayz thatz dangerouz. [ Apricot iznt an apricot iznt that weird? ]

[ Atom verse works just fine for the both of us ]

I hope we answered your questions effectively and I look forward to talking with you again. Sorry about the incredibly long ask by the way.

-💡⚛️ & 💼⚛️

Fascinating. Fascinating! FASCINATING!

Your responses are greatly appreciated, I assure you! This is EXACTLY the kind of thing I hoped would come out of contact with the Internet of the real world!

and sharing cookie pizza recipes!! :D

Yyyes, that too. Anyhow! This information… information on a universe containing alternate versions of objects I know, from TWO PRIMARY SOURCES! This is scientifically revolutionary at the LEAST! I need to document this! And make copies!

Someone get me a portable photocopier and a ballpoint pen! No, two of each! And a slice of that cookie pizza! Be right back!

i think u’ve sent test tube into shock, in a good way :p

sooo taking over while shes documenting stuffs, hiiii!!1 fan here, thanx for answering!!!!!!! we hope ur school duties are going well and stuffs!! im trying 2 get our lightbulb and suitcase 2 come say hi…….

HI!!!!!!

Um, hi! This is the… the other Suitcase? Apparently there are more than two-ish, so I’ll go with Test Tube’s title for our… online presence. So, this is ALI!Suitcase! Hope you, uh, get better at overcoming your fears and all.

(I know it doesn’t come easy. Definitely didn’t for me, haha, and I’m still working on it. But just, um, talk to your friends whenever you’re feeling down. I know any version of Lightbulb would be happy to help. And family and whoever you trust. And work on some grounding methods, and get enough sleep, and take your meds, and… I don’t know, make some popcorn? You got this. Sorry, rambling.)

GOOD SPEECH, SUITCASE!!! to atom!suitcase, i am digitally wiring you TWO ENTIRE SLICES OF COOKIE PIZZA RIGHT NOW. BITE PHONE TO RECIEVE

I’m back! Don’t bite your phone, please. Lightbulb needs to quit doing that. No, Lightbulb, don’t you da

[claraxbarton]

You might have answered this before, BUT I’m a recent follower and curious ok!! Generally speaking, what is your writing process like? I’m genuinely so impressed by how many different fics you’ll have going simultaneously and they’re all updated SO frequently. AND THEY’RE ALL SO GOOD?? Like do you have vague plans/outlines or drafts that you expand on/edit? Your accountability post will mention writing a few thousand words and then there’s an update the same day and it’s written so well lmao it blows my MIND bc it seems like you just come up with the plot on the fly and then casually write a lil masterpiece after work like it’s nbd. All of this to say I appreciate your work so much ♥️

<3

So uh, to start off with, I'm guessing when you say you recently started following me, you're probably just reading my HRPF fics? I SAY that/ask that because I've bounced through a few fandoms and I kind of go back and forth between being VERY prolific and finishing up projects and kind of... losing steam.

To be fair to me and not to scare anyone off, before this year I have, for the last decade and change, been juggling two full time jobs, part time work, childcare and a lot of volunteer work PLUS trying to write so like, I'm cutting myself some slack on abandoned projects. Because I'm finally down to 1 full time job and 1 part time gig that is only during the summer. I will ALSO say, in December I switched meds for my anxiety/depression so I'm on a new dose, new meds for the first time in 5 years and I do think that's been really impactful in a positive way.

SO, exposition and TMI out of the way:

I wish I could say I had a really clear process that I follow every time, but I don't want to lie. I create docs with notes - I'm thinking about including those as an epilogue chapter on the fics I'm currently working on, if anyone is interested in my scribbles aside from myself and my beta - and SOMETIMES I create outlines. A lot of the time, I will write a chapter or two and THEN create the outline? That's what happened with Gold Rush, but also with Gold Rush, I have already deviated from the outline like... a lot.

I'm trying to be way more chill with myself than I used to be. I was in this deep grind of forcing myself to be productive because that's where my value was (@kangofu-cb is a real one and has been trying to beat this out of me for years. Beating with love). And I'll be honest, being kinder to myself and putting less pressure is, like, so far, so good.

I usually have about, like... a dozen or so fic ideas in my head at any one time (@dwisp can attest to the DAILY messages of 'hear me out' as can @kangofu-cb), but I uh, I really feel 4 long fic is my simultaneous max.

I also have a problem with like, so if you DO want to read some of my not HRPF stuff, I think a good primer is the WinterhawkHood month I did in October with a fic a day, and the consistent issue is: I feel like I'm really good at creating a premise and that premise wants to exist beyond 2-5k. So longfic is probably the format to best tell the stories I want to tell, but, like, writing shorter fic is a lot of fun? That also does NOT answer your question.

Oh! MUSIC! It's so so so so important to my process. I used to put on specific artists, like really get into a singular vibe for a fic. But these days it's just my routine sleepy sad girl playlists (name coined by a former assistant and like she wasn't wrong). Which also probably explains how much sad sack Leon there is in my current fics. I should probably like, get some new playlists going...

Uh, in terms of like, my style/my ideas... so my professional life is theatre adjacent, and I think because of that, dialogue and THE INCITING INCIDENT are really important to me. So usually any fic idea forms around the kernal of the meet ugly and some choice words.

Like, for Gold Rush, I absolutely started from the idea of Leon being a bitch to the press and getting a text from an unknown number/Matthew and it just grew from there.

For Playing Favorites, I absolutely wanted to have former camboy Vince realize his new... work colleague??? Adam Larsson knew he was a former camboy. Which is funny because that moment happens in the middle of the fic (which I AM going to update again soon, y'all might vote consistently for Gold Rush in the polls but this weekend I think it's gotta be some love for my two Lars&Dunn fics).

For Northern Attitude, that inciting incident is, uh, about to occur in ch4 that I'm currently working on. And it's. Well. Yeah. So I got the idea for that 'scene' if you will first and then figured it out backwards?

For Wildfire that, too, has an inciting incident that has yet to make it into a chapter. But she's coming soon.

So really, only Gold Rush started as the beginning as far as ideas went for me? That said, I still START at the beginning when I write. I used to scribble down scenes and then piece them in, but I honestly found it constrained me more than anything else and I'm aware that doesn't make much sense.

I feel like this entire answer is a total nonanswer of me just blathering away. I hope at least part of this is what you wanted and uh... sincerely? Thank you for asking. It means a lot and like, my process is weird and inconsistent but I do genuinely love to talk about my writing.

[triptychgrip]

Twin Blades: a Twin Peaks/Yuri!!! on Ice crossover pitch

Note: I have no plans to write this...I have too many WIPs as it is! This is just a fun brainstorm

Fire, Walk With Me Ice, Skate With Me

The cryptic message, written in blood on a piece of notebook paper, was found attached to reigning World Champion Laura Palmer's Sara Crispino’s skates, just minutes after her leg was broken in a brutal assault 1 day prior to the 1994 World Figure Skating Championships. After Nancy Kerrigan, and then Tanja Szewczenko, Sara was the 3rd Ladies Single skater to be attacked in the span of just 1.5 months, and local law enforcement in Portland, Oregon has decided they need to call in reinforcements.

Luckily, FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper Viktor Nikiforov is on the job, and though he initially set off with a hankering for cherry pie, all thoughts of the dessert have just been wiped from his mind.

As he and his standard poodle Makkachin enter the town perimeter of Twin Blades (population 51K), Agent Nikiforov continues with the message he's been recording on his tape recorder.

"Diane Yakov, lunch was 9 dollars and 31 cents at the Yu-topia Inn, it's on highway 2 at Lewis Fork. That was a pork cutlet bowl -- called Kat-su-don -- with a side of daikon radish and miso soup. And, a mini katsudon bowl for Makka! Damn good food. Yakov, if you ever get up this way, that katsudon is worth a stop." (At the memory of how the two of them scarfed down the wonderful meal made by Hiroko-san), Viktor lets a heart-shaped smile take over his face before getting back to business.)

"Ok, I'll be meeting up with Sheriff Truman Katsuki -- you know the one...Yakov, if you don't know who that is by now, then you definitely haven't been listening to my tapes, and we'll need to have a word, because I'm counting on your advice to woo Yuuri! I mean really, I'm still in shock that he actually reached out to me through the Bureau like that, but I'm not about to look a gift horse in the mouth...I'm just relieved that I wasn't the only one that had a life-changing experience at that law enforcement conference in Chicago back in December!

Anyways, the two of us are going to go to intensive care, and look in on that Italian skater -- Sara Crispino -- whose leg was broken in that assault last week."

...

Interrogation Room, Twin Blades Sheriff's Department (two days later)

Yuuri and Viktor exchange shrewd glances at Bobby Briggs' Mickey Crispino's rising volume and visible agitation. Viktor feels a thrill of delight rocket up his spine at the eye contact; only yesterday, Yuuri wasn’t even able to look at him, and now, they’re starting to develop a shared body language, all of their own!

“So what if we we fought? Is that a crime, now, to have a fight with my own sister?” Crispino bellows.

Ugh.

Mickey is a wonderful example of why Viktor despises hockey players.

“Mila's nowhere good enough for her, so of course we butt heads from time to time…it's natural for me to get protective over her!” Mickey continues, spit flying every which way. “Maybe I get too bent out of shape when it comes to their relationship, but your insinuation that my jealousy would lead me to attack Sara right before her attempt to defend her title…?! Its’s beyond insulting!”

Viktor is just about to ask a follow-up (and wipe his face), when Deputy Sheriff Andy Guang-Hong knocks on the door. The poor guy's eyes are still very red-rimmed, and once again, Viktor is reminded of how rare violent assaults like Sara’s are in Twin Blades. As he'd explained earlier on the phone to his colleague, forensic analyst Albert Rosenfield Seung-Gil Lee, the town is tiny.

There are really only two lodging options (Yu-topia Inn and the Great Northern Hotel), 1 entertainment venue (The Roadhouse Ice Castle), and 1 food establishment (the Double R Diner) the Double J Diner, run by the Leroys). Industry is the opposite of varied; the town runs on all things winter sports, hockey and figure skating, primarily.

Yuuri's background info on the potential sale of the Packard Sawmill Ice Castle to a visiting delegation of Norwegian Japanese businessmen only lends another layer of mystery to the serial skater attack spree. In addition to why cocaine was found in Sara's diary -- when everyone swears she would never jeopardize a competition disqualification by way of drug use -- and the undoubtable supernatural presence in the woods that only Minako Okukawa truly seems able to grasp, Viktor is well aware that he has his work cut out for him...both on the romance front and work front.

-----

Twin Peaks is one of my favorite shows, and b/c I now tend to see Viktuuri in everthing I consume, when I started rewatching season 1 a few weeks back, I couldn't help but start to brainstorm around a possible crossover/AU. If you've watched the show, I'm sure you're well aware that it is very dark, so the figure skating element/YOI ensemble shenanigans would definitely lighten things up (no incest, drug or prostitution rings, only bloodthirsty athletic rivalries, shady business dealings and jaded love).

Here are some other things that came to mind:

-Yuuko as the sole owner of Ice Castle, and loosely based on femme fatale Josie Packard. Since Yuuri is not a skater in this AU, she instead puts all of her energy into encouraging Mila to gain the attention of her skating idol (and eventual girlfriend, Sara)...but is her encouragement truly selfless, or is she a much shrewder business owner than Twin Blades' townspeople give her credit for? And was she involved in the murder of her late husband, Takeshi, as Agent Nikiforov comes to suspect?

-Minako as a slightly less eccentric Lawrence Jacoby. Minako was the first person that Sara confided in when she fell in love with Mila, and it was through Minako that Sara found the courage to be open about her relationship with the rest of her family. Minako is one of the few in Twin Blades that is knowledgeable about the supernatural presences in the forest, and many suspect that her youthful appearance is connected to this

-the Nishigori triplets having the combined mischievousness and cunning of Audrey Horne (Minus the blatant flirting with Agent Cooper Nikiforov, b/c that would be weird). Georgi as the Log Lady Gentleman, lmao. Poor guy...no one can take him seriously

As I note in the title, I probably won't actually write this, but if anyone else is a Peaks fan, please let me know! It's such a bizarre and wonderful world that I love to think about :)

[avengersassemble-fics]

hello there

wow.

so.. its been awhile, hasn't it? like a long.. long time. sure, a couple posts but my last actual post was december 21, 2021.. crazy!

have I written anything since then? no, not really. re-read some of my work, thought "man this shit is so fuckin good" ..but I just honestly wasn't well enough to sit here and write. as much as I missed it.

what's new?.. a mess and depressed! but working through it. if you read my person posts in the pass, I worked at an optical store for a big big brand (not naming names) that felt like my soul was getting sucked out of me.. retail, amiright?

but seriously. I was there for 4 years by July of this year. in October, the manager I had been with since getting hired was moved to a store closer to her (congrats bestie) which opened up the management role for the one I was in.

I interviewed!! ...I didn't get it!!

devastated. like everything I had ever done was for fucking nothing. all the times I covered, where I took charge when the manager was out, the shitty position of just being under the threshold of FT so I never got the FT benefits (pto.. I was a feign for wanting time off). I interviewed, never got a definitive answer from the dm, until the news was laid on us that someone was hired.

someone who had less than a years experience, from a sister brand that sold non-rx sunglasses. A MAN. nothing wrong with me, I love men, but it was a gut punch. I had to continue being in charge for 2-3 months while this guy got trained for the position I felt I was deserving of.

and when he started it was absolute shit. I have never met someone so fuckin lazy. he refused to close, refused to work most weekends, never helped clean or help keep things organized, left me to handle signage changes and other things, stating stupid shit like "I didn't sign up for that" when like.. yes you did? that's literally the whole point of being a manager? the last week of the year is extremely busy in the optical space, because people want to use their benefits before the end of the year (use it or lose it). december 31, 2022.. what did he do? he left me and my coworker alone so he could go home early. we did ten thousand dollars in sales that day. that is what the store would average a week. we did it in a day.

my depression got worse.. but I did get my associates in psychology (cute). it wasn't until February of this year that I finally got a break. ya girl got a new job, in an office, not having to sell anything! perfection.

I moved out of my parents (it's def a struggle but.. my cat and I are happy), I officially was diagnosed with a chronic disease this year, working on my mental health everyday, did my first semester of uni..

and I miss this. writing, posting, daydreaming. I want to come back but I'm not sure if it is possible on this blog or if I'll have to start fresh elsewhere. but this place is my writing home (and AO3).

if you read all the way through, thank you. I hope to be back soon with new content (branching out of my comfort zone! finish old stories!)

until next time not two years from now..

xoxo caitlyn

[thedreadvampy]

I am. For some reason. Being haunted by guilt for this one fucking thing that happened when I was 17. It keeps floating up whenever I try to sleep the last couple of days, I think it's cause Sam's been ill. so I'm putting it here in an attempt to exorcise it. please tell me if this is a situation it makes sense to feel guilty about 13 years later.

Ok so I'm 17, right? I have this boyfriend. He's 18? 19? Not 100% sure on timings on this. and we've been together for about 9 months.

I'm still at school. He's not - he dropped out of sixth form twice, doesn't have a job and is on and off benefits. He's living in his mum's house but I think by this point she's up and moved to Ghana without much notice, leaving him alone with 4 cats and a dog (I'm not actually 100% sure she'd moved out yet at the time but I'm the interests of steelmanning the guilt let's assume she had. I think she had).

We live in different towns - he lives in the nearest Proper Town, the one with like a train station and shopping centre and cinema and clubs. I live 2 buses away - there's a 45 minute bus that takes me from his to the town I go to school in, which goes every 20 minutes 6am-11pm, and then the 20/40 min bus (it takes alternating routes) that I have to take from that town to my village, which goes every 80 minutes 7am-5pm.

My habit at the time is leaving school on Friday, getting the bus to his, spending every weekend there, then going to school from his on Monday and going home after school to spend the week at home. So we sort of half live together - I do a lot of the shopping and cleaning for his house while I'm there cause I work and get a £20/wk allowance from my parents and have no bills to pay, whereas he doesn't have any stable income and since his mum left he's gotta pay for the bills on this 2 person house as well as food and stuff for himself and the animals.

So that's the context this is happening in. He's feeling very abandoned and not really coping, and I've been trying to fill that gap but also I Am Seventeen.

Anyway it's Christmas time, and I've agreed that I'll spend the run-up to Christmas at his and then get the last bus home on Christmas Eve to spend actual Christmas with my family.

I wake up on Christmas Eve about 3am because it is BOILING. I reach over and touch his skin and it literally hurts to touch cause he's running such a high fever. When he wakes up I ask him if he's ok, if he needs me to call the doctor etc, he won't let me do that. I get him water and paracetamol and honey and lemon and a bucket in case he needs to throw up but by about 3pm I'm like I truly have to go bc this is the absolute latest I can leave to catch the last bus home before December 27th (no buses on Christmas or Boxing Day).

and he is crying and begging me not to leave him and calling me selfish and saying I don't love him. and I do everything I can to make sure he's going to be ok and has plenty of food and water in reach and then I go.

(I was very right about the urgency of leaving if I wanted to get home, btw, bc it was below zero and snowing heavily and I JUST got onto the last bus at a dead run. and then that broke down in the snow 2 miles away from home, it was like an hour of just me and the bus driver sitting in an unheated bus while the snow piled up and he called the depot trying to get someone to come out 30+ miles to pick him and the bus up last thing before Christmas. Poor guy. Eventually my mum managed to drive out and pick me up and bring the driver a thermos of tea and some heat packs to tide him over until the cavalry came. so yeah there wasn't a lot of wiggle room in that travel plan.)

anyway my memories of that Christmas Eve have always largely focused on the bus thing. but like. the last few days I'm really thinking about how scary and lonely that genuinely must have been for my ex. like. if I'm right in thinking this was after his mum left, this was probably his first Christmas alone and he spent it racked with flu, running a fever in his room and his girlfriend just went away and left him to it. and like. That must have felt awful

and I keep just thinking should I have done something different? tried to get him to my parents' for Christmas? stuck around until the 27th? maybe talked to my mum and seen whether she could come pick me up on Christmas Day?

or like. even if i didn't do anything wrong. does it make me a bad person that I was so desperate to get out of his house and so relieved once I was away? like I just did not want to deal with that?

like it's obviously all moot, it was half my life ago and anyway it's a snapshot of a much more substantive and complicated relationship. but like. It's just sitting on me at the moment. while I flop around feeling sorry for myself bc I'm running a fever.

[academic-comeback]

Week 2: (This is a rant, but the information is still useful)

Happy New Year! Welcome to 2025. As noted in my hiatus, I have not stuck to working on this blog. The August-December (fall semester) season has been quite the ride, and I've learned so many new things about myself, the way I operate and I believe it will help in the spring semester when I start school again. These past few months have incurred a multitude of changes within my life. I still don't have much of a social life, however I've been a lot happier since being out of school. I like the freedom in my life and not having such a rigid schedule. Working a lot has kept me busy, and through my job I've learned to love the little things, and I've adapted the "Lucky Vicky" mindset, coined by the Kpop idol Gang WonYoung (whose English name is Vicky). She stated that "... even for things that might seem small and insignificant, If you can appreciate each one and see the beauty in them, I believe you can have a 'Lucky Vicky' day." Simple things like extra food at work, having a green light when I go through a turn or intersection, or even seeing the last of what I'm looking for at the store have made me be more appreciative of life and the things that I have. And when things are unavailable to me, it's a sign it wasn't meant for me. I don't need it yet, or I didn't need to spend the money anyways. More recently, I've also been focusing on having a decent amount of sleep every night. I look at what time I need to be at work the next day, and try to have at least 7 hours of sleep the night before. I've also started waking up at least two hours before I have to be at work in order to give myself time to relax before I even get there. Most of the time may or may not be spent snoozing, but it's still more time that I'm aware of the world, and it's a step forwards from waking up an hour before and scrambling to get my things together, hair styled and all of the things. I've learned that rigid routines don't always work for me. Classes and work are definitely priorities, but they're the only rigidness in my day. I've set lists for everything that needs to get done, but I'm not waking up at precisely this time every day and going to the gym at exactly this time on these specific days. I hate that, and it gets insanely boring to me. The lists help me organize my days and what needs to get done, while also allowing for me to understand when I could get certain things done. The fluidity helps a lot in actually getting a task done. Laundry day on my day off? Start it before I go to take a shower, then put it in the dryer when I go to bed ( or whenever it's finished ). I'll finish folding it in the morning, which helps it feel like a separate task and not one big long boring task.

I also have planners everywhere. I have a physical one, a Notion Calendar, and a Google calendar set up. I love to write things down, but the internet's tools allow for more moving around and flexibility. So I use both. Plus, it's so nice to just pull out my phone and know exactly when class and school take place so I can plan other things accordingly. Overall, I think that having a semester off to just be a free young adult with very little bills to worry about (thank you to my family for letting me live with them) has allowed me to grow the most. I have a better understanding now of how I operate and what to expect for myself in the coming semester. And in stark contrast to just a few months ago, I feel like I am at the highest and happiest point in my life at the moment, and am even more excited to be a student than I ever would have been should I have gone back to university immediately. And while I'm starting a completely different certificate program at a community college, by the end of this summer I feel I will be more equipped to be a student in my bachelors program at my university when I finally return there.

[smaller-brandon]

Brandons quest for humanity: December Edition

(Hopefully lets see when this comes out)

First off: I live, lads! And honestly life is pretty boring and stressful at the same time. But hey the best part about existential dread and stuff is that you can always make jokes! But I bet the 3 people that are seeinbg this are frothing at the mouth right now, wanting to get to the meat of whatever this is. But first go get treated as you do have rabies! I'll wait....... You're back? Ok cool lets rock.

So lets start from where we left off: The day I posted the first edition and vowed to try and make this a monthly thing. I believe thanksgiving happened the day after, meaning no work unless something happened. I work a job for Panera Bread where I clock out after finishing a set of tasks. Same shit different day kinda deal, once you’ve been there a while, and I had been a baker for one year plus one month, since october of 23.

So I have my dad drive me to where I need to be, walk in, only to see someone else is doing the job I thought I was doing that day. I was off that day, unbeknownst to me till that moment. Now a sane person would probably call and say “hey so turns out I don’t have a shift, could you come pick me up?” or just call an Uber. You know, like a person. What I did for the next six hours however consisted of…

Ordering a vanilla latte and watching youtube

listening to part of an episode of distractible

watching season 2 episode 11 of helluva boss (btw holy shit)

Walking to the nearby Chipotle and having lunch there

Walking BACK to Panera

Ordering an almond pastry (it was decent)

Talking with some of the staff (they know me)

Listening through part of a Jim Gaffigan special

Listening through an entire mike Birbiglia special

calling my dad halfway through

telling him it was just a short shift, with him buying it

Don’t be me kids. Stay monetized out there or whatever.

Apart from work and managing a very quiet queer Minecraft bedrock sfw 18+ discord server (wink wink nudge nudge) I rediscovered a word: Tilted. Now to explain the situation, I have to explain a bit more about my job. So I have to work a different Panera “cafes”, because everyone has different days off, meaning if Joey 1 bakes at location A five days a week, that leaves two days where they still need a baker, so bring in Joey 2. And that system is how you’ll have 2 days at one place, 2 days at another, 3 days at either if you’re lucky. So that first location I talked about earlier, well call it “Circle”, and the other location I work at, “Square”.

Now at Circle, the baker area is pretty concealed, so people cant see what going on back there and try to steal recipes or whatever. ON THE OTHER HAND, HOWEVER, Square lets you see the bakers station, as its right behind the register area (known as bakery), so people can see whoever is baking and be like “oh so that’s how they make the thing I like. Fascinating!” But it kinda backfires because most people that come in go right past the little screens you can order stuff on and pay for it there, and come right up to the register, and with square being understaffed, and whenever someone is on bakery, but just isn’t fucking there even though that’s their job, that they get PAID TO DO, guess who gets yelled at while trying to do his job… If you guessed me, the guy with headphones on, looking in a completely different direction, you’d be correct! If you guessed someone else, you’re either skimming or just haven’t been paying attention, in which case I’m worried . And recently I had that happen FIVE TIMES IN ONE DAY. May not seem like a lot, but it wasn’t even rush hour, and there was someone on bakery that day who kept disappearing thirty-ish seconds before someone came up, meaning I would have to stop what I was doing and walk around trying to find her to tell her she has a customer. And that made me quite mad, or in this case, tilted.

And now for the part where I talk about christmas shopping because its december damnit

So I recently went christmas shopping, for my two younger siblings, (who will not be named so fuck off) and realized that its kinda hard christmas shopping. Because you have to know a person really fuckin well to feel confident in your gift, and then spend money on it. And the plan was: Buy games, piss out. Didn’t even need the colon but you get the point; this was gonna be easy as fuck. (Fun fact: It was both easy and stressful somehow!) From here my siblings will be referred to as Nail and Switch My thought process was “Ok they don’t have a voucher for the game I know Switch wanted, so I gotta think of something, uhhh, no not pokemon that game is broken, uhh, Breath of the wild, he likes those games, otherwise why would he steal my copies? Ok, Nail… fuck, uhhh, she likes weird but cute stuff, right? Pikmin 4! I win! HAHAHAHA! Oh man my brain.” ...I then had to ask a guy to get the games for me, and that just kinda hurt to be honest. Like he probably has war flashbacks to certain karens, or the stanley cups, or a third thing.

Anyway I pay for the games, snag some variations of chocolate candy, and ride home with my mom, where she told me about party city shutting down. That was the day I remembered party city was a thing.

So apart from reaching 91 games that I’ve bought with money (on playstation), and becoming more active on bluesky (wink wink nudge nudge 2) that’s really it. Thank you for reading and ill probably see you next year. Until then, take it easy.

-Brandon

P.S If it seems I wrote this in one go, thats cuz I did

[tearsinmyvalyrianeyes]

٠ ࣪⭑ -- Coffee Date

summary quote - ✎﹏ "It seemed that his heart belonged to only himself, and Rhaenyra was determined to change that."

or

the part in 50 shades where christian invites anna out to talk about their arrangement. this part is meant to be short, kinda like the last one but this one sprinkles in some lore. it also introduces the main problem in the story. Set : December 9th, 2013

notes - comments and kudos are always appreciated and i respond to each one !!! the ask box is for any suggestions ao3 link | last chapter | next chapter

Rhaenyra sniffles, the scent of paint has never been a particularly pleasant one. Today was a slow day, at least, so she could get away with slacking off as long as it looked like she was doing something. She never wanted the job in the first place, but she was stuck there since according to her father she needed to learn 'team building skills'. She rolls her eyes at the thought. Viserys never made Aegon get a job, and he had been old enough to drive for a while now. A customer comes in but she ignores them. Either Laena or Laenor could go help them, she thought. But just as Rhaenyra's about to put her head down and sleep at her desk someone taps her on the shoulder. 

"Hm?" She answers, still not looking up.

"It's me, angel. Gods, you weren't even going to help your poor uncle, were you?" Rhaenyra takes a deep breath and then sighs. Her uncle is fully capable of helping himself to most things in the shop, he just picked this particular day to be difficult. 

She yawns, rubbing her eyes before standing up next to Daemon. "Did you need anything special?" She ditches the customer service voice this time. After all, what's Daemon going to do? Snitch on her to her father and tell him that his daughter is a bad cashier? She doesn't even need this job but because of her family's status the boss won't fire her.

After collecting the rope Daemon needed, they both make their way back to the register. A weird thing to purchase, Rhaenyra thinks, but she's too out of it to truly question his decisions. "So how is your mother?" Daemon asks once Rhaenyra hands him the receipt and the rope he came all this way to bother her for.

"She's... good, I guess." She looks around, giving Laenor a judging look when she spots him in the breakroom with Laena. "I don't know, I haven't been home in a month or two."

"Hm." Daemon pushes Rhaenyra's glasses up for her, which she flinches at. "When are you off from work? Maybe we could get hot chocolate or... maybe we could go back to my place."

Rhaenyra fights back a smile. Of course Daemon would remember that she hates prefers hot chocolate to coffee. She doesn't pick up on the fact that he's flirting with her, but she can sense something different in his tone. "We could go to Genevieve's at 2:00... then your place." She full on grins now, enjoying the feeling of her uncle's hands in her hair. This always happens, she notices. She'll go without talking to Daemon in person for a while, sometimes even exceeding half a year, then they meet again and Daemon does something that makes her swoon.

"Good. It's a date then, I'll call you." 

At two, Rhaenyra is sitting on her bed, anxiously awaiting Daemon's call. She can't understand why she's so nervous. Sure, she likes him, but she could talk to all of her previous crushes without all of this... mess. With Criston, her family's bodyguard who was assigned to her for quite some time, she had no issues trying to impress him or even having regular conversations. With Harwin, who was a guy she briefly dated after meeting him through a friend, there were barely any feelings there at all. Things are different with Daemon, they always have been. 

"I'll just have the hot chocolate, no whipped cream, and a butter cookie." Daemon gives Rhaenyra a look from across the table, one of those looks that she knows means he's about to say something either wildly inappropriate or stupid. "What...? What is it, come on, I know you're gonna ask me something." She chuckles, trying to stay quiet because the restaurant is almost dead silent. 

"Nyra," He places a hand on hers. "Do you have a... little crush on me?" She gasps and tries to move away from him, but her efforts only bring them closer. "I won't be mad, just tell me." After a pause she nods. Her uncle must like her too, she thinks. Why else would this occasion feel more like a date than a family get-together?

"Your honesty pleases me." Daemon says, sighing. "This does cause difficulties, I must admit." Rhaenyra understands. Her uncle has never been one to date, flings and one night stands were always more his style. He had just been in a cheating scandal not too long before his most recent divorce, and by how distraught Rhea looked as she packed her things to leave him Rhaenyra guessed he wasn't a very good boyfriend or husband. "We can't date?" Rhaenyra frowned when she asked the question, taking a bite of her cookie. She began to go over possible reasons her uncle might not desire her. It couldn't have been that they were related, incest was legal where they lived and had been practiced by their family for centuries. Now that his wife was out of the way, there should be no reason Daemon wouldn't rush to put a ring on his niece's finger. Perhaps he has someone? It wouldn't be totally off brand for him to find someone new when he had just signed divorce papers three months ago.

"I don't do the whole 'girlfriend' thing." Daemon mutters, chuckling at Rhaenyra's obvious confusion. "Gets in the way." He takes a small sip of his americano. 'gets in the way of what?' she wonders. Her uncle had always been a perplexing mystery. It seemed that his heart belonged to only himself, and Rhaenyra was determined to change that. "But... what about what happened last week in your office? Did you really only want for things to stay like this?" Rhaenyra fidgets nervously. "Relationships are complicated. So are feelings. If we were to... do any of what you want, there would be consequences." Rhaenyra tries, she tries desperately to listen and hear what her uncle is saying but she just can't understand. 

She stays silent for the rest of the time they spend in that small café. When they're ready to leave Daemon notices her perturbed expression. "It's not that you're immature," He starts off his statement in the worst way. He must think she's immature, that's probably exactly what it is. "You're a very smart girl, I just..." Rhaenyra's eyes narrow in the same way that they used to whenever she'd lose a game of uno to Daemon. "You're too young." He finally says the words she never wanted to hear. She sighs, letting go of his hand as they walk down the busy sidewalk together. As she's led into one of her uncle's cars, she makes a promise to herself that she'll prove Daemon wrong. She can be mature, their age difference won't matter, he'll see.

[pyrettawychwiggin]

The Rantings of a Chairside Tooth Fairy - A Prologue, Part 2/2

Note from the author: Being a dental assistant is... a mixed bag. It differs from assistant to assistant based on where they studied (if they studied), what country/state/province they work in, what office or specialty they work in, etc.

For the sake of this series - I am a registered dental assistant in western Canada, and as of the time of this entry, I've been assisting for about four years.

These rantings are my own, and don't necessarily speak for all dental assistants out there. Our job can be incredibly unfair and rip-your-hair-out-frustrating sometimes, and I've found that sometimes, screaming into the void is a good way to cope.

That's what this series will be. Just one itty-bitty tooth fairy who needs to blow off a little steam.

Consider this a prologue to my rantings. This post will just kind of tell you a bit about myself, how I got into assisting, and the posts to come will be all the juicy stuff that other people who work in the dental office may be able to relate to on a pretty personal level.

In this series, I'll be going by the name of Fae Rhee - for no particular reason aside from it makes me giggle.

Alright, let's get into it...

This is harder than I thought...

I stared at the list of courses offered by the college I'd sent my admissions application to, and found myself a little stuck.

I've narrowed it down to about four options, but I really ought to go in there with a solid plan...

I sighed and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. I always had an easier time making a decision when I had a visual aid to help me weigh the pros and cons. I started scribbling out the four possibilities at the top of the page.

Administrative assistant...

I briefly imagined myself behind a desk, firing off emails, juggling phone calls and fashioning spreadsheets.

Massage therapist...

I imagined myself on my feet, in spa-like settings, easing away knots my clients never even knew they had.

Veterinary assistant...

I imagined myself working with animals of all shapes and sizes, and from all walks of life from birth to end-of-life. I scribbled down the fourth and final option.

Dental assistant...

I tapped my pen to my lips and started writing out any pros and cons I could think of.

As an administrative assistant, I could be fairly certain it would be a safe option, but I couldn't help but feel that I would find it quite boring.

As a massage therapist, I imagined the setting and atmosphere of most locations would be nice, but I'd heard so many horror stories - especially from women in the industry.

Veterinary assisting would be the most interesting as far as I was concerned, but knowing how difficult it must be to be present for the euthanasation of so many animals, or seeing them in pain would surely wear on me over time.

But dental assisting...

I would spend some time up and on my feet, but some time chairside. I'd be in a field that I may find a little more interesting. My hours would be worlds better than the majority of the jobs I could work without further credentials. The benefits would likely be better than anything else I had available to me.

I guess that settles it, then.

I took a moment to stretch and ready myself for bed.

The next morning, I would be sitting in front of the admissions counselor, signing the paperwork to get started on my new career.

Three months flew by faster than I thought it would. It was mid-December, and I was on my way to the college's orientation event.

I settled into a random desk at the back of the room and made small talk with the other two students-to-be on either side of me; one who would go on to become a lasting friend, but the other would drop out of the course within the first week, leaving the remaining number of students at a solid twenty-three.

The first month or so of the course was all about the theory of dentistry; learning the different tooth numbering systems, the structure and development of the tooth, the anatomy of the human head from the neck up, the various methods of sterilization and infection control, and so on.

By the end of the brunt of the theory portion of the course, a couple more students had dropped out of the course. As March came about, there were muttering of the first few cases of Covid-19 surfacing in the area, but we still had no idea what was to come, so this was largely ignored.

That is, until we had finally started the process of honing our in-clinic skills. We had only just started to learn how to process instruments and set up for simple procedures when the lockdowns hit.

Just like that, everything was put on pause.

We found ourselves in our homes, twiddling our thumbs 'until further notice.'

By the time we'd resumed theory content online, another couple of students had dropped out. We were unable to train in-clinic, but our instructors focused on prepping us for the entrance exams.

It would be months before we had the chance to resume our clinic training, but the college was insistent on attempting to stay as close to the original graduation date as possible, throwing the lessons into a jumbled mess that few of us were able to follow. After a few more drop-outs, we were left with a class size of fourteen.

By the time we'd approached gradation, very few of our remaining class felt ready in any capacity to enter the work force, having felt rushed for the sake of the convenience of the college's scheduling of the subsequent classes.

Still, we made a go of it. A small handful of those that graduated never bothered finishing their practicum, opting to chase other options away from dental assisting; the rest of us took on our first official positions at our respective clinics.

At this point, Covid-19 restrictions were still present, leading the college to opt for an online graduation ceremony, scheduled in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, which meant basically none of us could 'attend' as we would be busy during shifts at our practicum offices. We had to admit this lack of consideration left a bad taste in our mouths.

Fast forward to present day - over three years later - and only four of us from the original graduating class would remain in the industry; the other ten had gone on to try something else for varying reasons.

As for those reasons, well - I'll likely be expanding on a great many of them throughout this series.

To be continued...

As of today, August 26th 2024, I have worked in six different clinics, and for nine different dentists. I have seen nearly a thousand patients from all walks of life, and each time I think to myself, 'okay, now I've seen it all,' another curve ball is just around the corner.

So let's get into it, shall we?

[evanoxvt]

You reap what you sow, especially when you piss off your chronically ill housemate.

So I've been living with my housemates for over 5 years now, and they have had PLEANTY of time to learn how to do basic fucking things you do when living with pets and animals. I threw in the towel and decided I will no longer spend extra energy to correct behaviors my HOUSEMATES CAUSED.

They can't be bothered to let my SERVICE DOG outside to go pee? Then they deserve to have my dog BARKING IN THEIR FACE when she's given plenty of indications she needs to go potty. If she does not come upstairs to let me know her needs, I'll come downstairs only after they loose their shit that she's barking. I'm not going to teach her to hold it in and not tell people that she has needs.

Another example of behaviors THEY HAVE CAUSED that they don't like is her constant begging in the kitchen and while they eat. I will never ask my dog to follow me upstairs again SPECIFICALLY so they can eat in peace. They brought this upon themselves. They leave food ON THE FLOOR, have let her eat food off their plates in their laps and NEVER ONCE told her to get out of the kitchen while they cook. I gave up because I am only ONE OF EIGHT FUCKING PEOPLE here.

My dog behaves much better in public than she does in my own home and its because of stupid shit from the last 5+ years of living with these morons. In my bedroom I will literally hold a piece of salami up to her nose and not allow her to eat it until I say its okay. In the rest of the house no one holds her accountable, in addition to in the past they've PRAISED HER for doing the wrong thing, and ACTIVELY call her into the kitchen to be their 'vacuum'. I will not be bothered to spend ALL OF MY ENERGY to train out behaviors that 6-7 of the other people I live with ENCOURAGE. I will instead focus my energy on working on her tasks and her upkeep of skills outside the house. Fuck these morons and their sudden realization that they don't like the issues they've caused.

There are many more issues that they've caused but honestly I feel like these are enough examples to prove my point of 'you reap what you sow, and you done fucked up so I'm not cleaning up your mess'.

I have one person who I live with that actually tries, but they waited too long. My dog has lived here since she was about 5 months old. She's turning 8 years old in December. He waited far too long to ask this dog (who is a stubborn husky mix mind you) for obedience. She does not listen to basically anyone but me here, but if you go to a dog park she will listen to MANY people. Imagine that. She will listen to a stranger over the people she lives with because they have literally ignored me and my training for so many fuckin years she decided they DO NOT NEED TO BE LISTENED TO. LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

The irony of it all is that she was not raised to be a service dog, yet when I take her out to do her job she listens really well (for the most part, gotta love stubborn husky brain, but even the best of trained service dogs have issues at times. Please don't come after me, a handler trainer who barely has the physical capacity to do the training of her skills and can't afford to get trainers to help teach and upkeep new skills).

My dog and I both get abused in this house, and as much as it hurts me to say that, it's true. I get gaslight about my health constantly, told my reactions (as an autistic person) are not okay/ that I need to stop being 'childish' and that I need to somehow consider everyone else's needs ABOVE my own. They physically leave things outside where my dog needs to go that have and continue to injure her. I am so fucking tired of her coming inside about every 2-3 weeks limping on on or both of her front legs because she had to jump over some piece of heavy metal, (the long bar) weights, little fences in the backyard, etc. If she is injured she cannot do her job properly, which means I CANNOT LEAVE MY HOME. Which means I am directly being affected because of their actions. I have meltdowns caused by specific triggers that are KNOWN within this house, on a REGULAR BASIS. Apparently I need to "go see a psychologist" because of this. I'm sorry, but a psychologist cannot physically prevent you from doing things that are KNOWN TO CAUSE AN AUTISTIC TRIGGER and can literally be avoided entirely by a little compassion and change from others. I cannot NOT have a meltdown over things that have been proven to ALWAYS cause me to have a meltdown. That's literally part of being autistic. My health is another thing. I cannot be in hot temperatures because it CAUSES my health issues to flare up. Things like MY VISION get distorted, blurry, and even temporarily blind all because I got too hot. I'm not allowed to cool the house to a level that is conducive of my health. I get yelled at for not doing TONS OF CHORES but they fail to realize even just cooking a pot of ramen causes several of my symptoms to flare up and can sometimes prevent me from doing literally anything for the rest of the day. They know this happens yet place unrealistic expectations upon me and my dog, then yell at both of us when we cannot or do not do what they want.

I can literally go on and on and on about this. It's fucking insane and not okay, yet is the life I live because I can't work. I just don't even know where to go from here to explain the stupidity of it all.