#but I’m glad he gave us Cas

[starsanddragonflies]

Hi

[fluff-lover]

Healing Touch | Chapter 5: Return Home

Chapter summary: You and Logan travel to Alberta in search for some answers as he slowly regains his memory.

Masterlist

This chapter contains a lot of Logan’s origin story, but it’s more based on the comic than the movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

7K words… who am I?

It’s been a few busy weeks to say the least.

After you and Logan agreed on working on his trauma together, you started having small sessions at night where you would use your power on him. In each session you placed your hands on each side of his head while he laid down on the lab’s bed and started healing his amnesia. You worked slowly, not wanting to trigger any bad memory without warning. 

There was only so much you could do, and there was no guarantee any of it would work. Your powers only worked on a physical level, meaning you could heal parts of Logan’s brain that didn’t heal on their own, despite his enhanced healing. But Charles saw this as an opportunity to train and even expand your powers, hoping that in time you would be able to heal the emotional type of wounds, or be the one to caused them.

Fragments of Logan’s memories began to resurface, scattered and incomplete, like pieces of a puzzle he wasn’t sure how to assemble. He remembered his parents: his mother, Elizabeth, and the man he believed to be his father, John Howlett. He could recall the house he’d grown up in, the details hazy but still familiar. He even knew his name wasn’t really Logan. But that was where the trail ended.

What had happened to them? How had he discovered his mutation? The answers felt just out of reach, buried beneath layers of fog he couldn’t penetrate, no matter how hard you tried.

In search of more answers, you started planning your trip to his childhood home: Howlett Estate. You would take a flight to Lloydminster and then drive for two hours to Cold Lake. Originally you suggested taking a smaller plane from Lloydminster to Cold Lake’s regional airport, but took pity on Logan’s distaste for flying and decided to rent a car instead.

You knew this would be hard on Logan, facing his memories and old traumas wasn’t easy, so you wanted to make sure this was a pleasant trip.

Coincidently, the trip took place during Jean and Scott’s wedding, so Logan wouldn’t be in the mansion during that time. Hopefully this trip would also help you rebuild your trust in Logan. Despite reassuring him over and over again that you’d forgiven him already, your friendship changed and required a lot of care to go back to how it was before.

The day of the flight you had maps, flyers and all kinds of accessories for your trip, and you had a blast going from one place to the other in the airport, getting lots of snacks and things to pass the time. Logan was never too far behind, following you around and indulging on anything you wanted.

Despite his nervousness, Logan enjoyed seeing you so excited and bubbly, but most importantly, so relaxed around him. He worried your friendship was ruined when he first hurt you but you were slowly building the trust back up.

It was only after you landed at Lloydminster and got in the rental that the real fun started. 

“I booked the cutest, cosiest looking Bed & Breakfast I could find, it’s adorable.” You said as you entered the address to the GPS. Logan groaned from the driver’s seat.

“I’m regretting this already.” He joked. “You know what? I take that back, I regretted this the moment you gave me a plane ticket.”

You laughed. 

“Oh come on! It wasn’t so bad! I took your nausea away, didn’t I?” 

His frown deepened.

“I still don’t like flying. If men were meant to fly, we would be born with wings.”

“Good thing I’m not a man.” You joked. “Be glad I got us a car instead of another flight for this part. Just drive, old man.” You said before opening a bag of snacks.

“Old man? Fuck off.”

You giggled.

“Aren’t you like a thousand years?”

Logan scoffed.

“...No.” He said after an awkward silence. “Your math is off. Also, don’t eat in the car, you’ll leave crumbs all over.”

You giggled again, and despite his grumpiness, Logan smiled.

“Whatever you say, grandpa.”

“Fuck you!” He said, but there was no malice in his voice. You just looked at him and took another bite of your snack.

“I’m hungry!” You said as an excuse. “Do you want some?”

“Nah, I’m fine. I don’t like candy.” He said, throwing you a look.

“Who the hell doesn’t like candy?” You asked dramatically “I think I have some Sour Patch kids around here, you’ll like them.” You said as you looked through your back.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because… your face looks like you’re constantly sucking a lemon.” Logan turned his head to look at you in disbelief. “Hey! Eyes on the road!”

“What do you mean I look like I’m sucking a lemon?” He asked confused.

“You know…” You pursed your lips, frowned your brow and raised your shoulders, trying to give your best impression of Logan. “Like you’re sulking.”

“I don’t sulk.” He said.

“Right… And I don’t cry while watching The Notebook. Are we just telling lies now?”

“Just give me that.” He snatched the bag of sour candy from your hand. “You’re terrible, you know that?”

“Yes, but you love me anyway.” You smiled and Logan just shook his head in defeat before pouring some candy straight into his mouth.

The ride was filled with banter and jokes. Seeing Logan so relaxed and somewhat happy made your heart flutter. You had never seen him like this, and you hoped it would last.

Watching him drive with his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a relaxed smile on his face also did things to you. He looked so handsome, you would try to steal glances every once in a while.

When you finally arrived at the B&B you squealed in delight and jumped out of the car. The building had a “cabin in the woods” feel to it, but much bigger in dimensions, and it was surrounded by a large garden.

“It’s perfect! Just like in the photos! Isn’t it lovely?”

“It looks like a flower shop threw up on it.”

“Ew.” Your face quickly dropped. “Just because of that, you’re carrying the suitcases while I check us in.” You said before stomping towards the door.

“I was carrying the suitcases anyway!” Logan grumbled.

He took the suitcases and quickly caught up with you as you made your way to the reception. There you were welcomed by a sweet looking old lady.

“Welcome! You must be the honeymooners, the Wyatts!” She greeted them.

You quickly shook your head, your belly filling with butterflies at the idea of the two of you looking like newlyweds.

“Oh no, we’re not together. I mean, we’re together, but not together-together… We’re not married!” You tried to explain awkwardly while Logan tried not to laugh. “We booked two bedrooms under the name Howlett.” You said, your face growing hot.

“Yeah, we book two rooms in case the first bed breaks.” Logan joked, making you open your eyes so widely he thought they would pop out of your head.

“Logan!” You hissed and slapped his chest. Logan simply smiled and winked at you. Any other time you would be giggling like crazy at the idea of Logan and you breaking a bed, but you weren’t alone. The lady looked back and forth between the two of you before handing you two keys.

“You have room 13 and 14, they’re down that hall, across from each other. Breakfast is served from 7 to 10 in the dining room.”

You took the keys and nodded your head.

“Thank you ma’am.” you said before walking away fast, your face warm.

Your room was beautiful. It was tastefully decorated, had flowers on pretty much every surface, and the bed looked very cozy. You jumped on the mattress while Logan put your suitcase down.

“Comfortable?” He asked.

“Mhmmm.” You were barely audible with your face squished against the covers. Logan chuckled.

You felt the bed dip and raised your head to see Logan sitting down on the foot of the bed. He looked like there was something he wanted to say, so you sat up on the bed to give him your full attention.

“So, um… Listen,” He cleared his throat. “I just wanted to say… I appreciate everything you’re doing for me. You didn’t have to do any of this, but you did, and I wanted to say thank you.” 

You smiled shyly. Logan wasn’t a man of many words, so when he opened up like this you made sure to appreciate it and soak into the moment.

“Nothing to thank me for. Helping people is what I do, it’s what I love. Maybe I never realized there are other ways I can help other than using my powers.” You shrugged. “I guess I never had a friend that mattered to me as much as you do.” You said with a certain vulnerability in your voice. Of course you left out the part of you being completely, utterly in love with him.

The admission took Logan by surprise. How could you, a sweet, selfless, beautiful woman not be surrounded by people you loved and loved you back.

“Why?” He asked. You tilted your head and frowned.

“Why, what?”

“Why me?” He shook his head, confused. “Not only I didn’t do anything to earn your friendship, but I also hurt you. You could have so many friends, so many people, why did you stick with me?”

You stared at him for a moment in shock.

“What do you mean you didn’t do anything to earn my friendship? You’re the first friend I made at the mansion.”

“That’s it?” Logan scoffed.

“For starters.” You placed your hand on top of his and gave him a reassuring squeeze. “Logan, you earned my friendship with respect and support. Most friendships don’t start with great gestures, they start with kind words, spending time together, showing kindness. My first morning there I was nervous but you told me I would be okay. Words matter, Logan. And I knew I wanted you officially in my life the day you took me to the hospital to help. Remember?”

Logan looked down at your hands together and nodded.

“I remember thinking I had never seen anything like it. Not only you healed those kids, but the relief their parents must’ve felt…” He said softly. “And you never cared about people giving you credit…”

You chuckled. 

“It’s better that way.” You shrugged. “I also knew we would be friends when you started training me. You didn’t think I would be useless on the battlefield just because I don’t have fighting skills. I appreciated that, I appreciated you having faith in me.”

Logan rolled his eyes.

“I couldn’t have you running around trying to save everyone but not knowing how to protect yourself.” He said teasingly.

“I would’ve been okay. I can heal, remember?”

“Just because you can heal doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to get hurt in the first place.” Logan whispered.

Those words touched you deeply. Without even thinking you leaned in and kissed his cheek. Logan blinked and looked anywhere but you, the tips of his ear turning red.

“I think that’s the sweetest thing you ever said to me. Thank you.” You whispered.

Logan cleared his throat and got up, dropping your hand in the process.

“Right. Of course. Anyway, we have a big day tomorrow, right?” He rubbed his palms on his jean-clad thighs, looking awkward as hell. You nodded your head. 

“Meet me at 9 for breakfast and we’ll head to the Howlett Estate afterwards.” you said. 

“Aye Captain!” He picked his suitcase on his way to the door and turned to look at you. He looked like he wanted to say something again, but this time he just pressed his lips into a thin line.

“Good night, Logan.” you said after a moment. 

“Good night, sweetheart. I’ll see you in the morning.” he winked at you and walked out.

-

Logan was used to sleepless nights, but tonight felt different. His mind kept drifting to you, no matter how hard he tried to push the thoughts away. At one point, he got up, rummaging through his jacket until he found his lighter. The one you’d given him. He turned it over in his hand, his thumb brushing over the engraving, something he often did when he thought of you.

Yet you managed to get him flustered all over again. The little kiss on the cheek you gave him earlier was driving him mad. It had been so long since he felt anything like this, so kind and gentle, so intimate without being sexual, he didn’t know how to act about it.

There was no way he could keep denying it: he had feelings for you. Could you possibly feel the same way? Your last conversation was about your friendship, how come all the sudden friendship wasn’t enough? Where did all these feelings fit in?

Logan raked a hand through his hair, frustration tugging at him. You were everything he wasn’t: beautiful, sweet, kind. The kind of person who made the world a little brighter just by existing. Surely you didn’t feel the same way about him... right? You were kind to everyone; that was just who you were. It didn’t mean you liked him.

Still, he couldn’t ignore how deeply these feelings had crept up on him. They hadn’t come all at once but had grown slowly, quietly, in the peaceful moments you’d shared: the late-night talks, the easy silences that somehow said more than words ever could. He hadn’t even realized how much you’d come to mean to him, until tonight. Until that kiss.

This would explain why he felt so jealous of Alex Summers, why he was so traumatized by the sight of your blood on his hands. Only you could get him to board a plane willingly, so what else would he do for you?

“Fuck…” he muttered under his breath, his voice heavy with frustration. Things were about to get a lot more complicated. There was no way he could tell you how he felt. You deserve the best: someone kind, someone who could give you everything you deserved. That wasn’t him. Not after everything he’d done. Especially not after that night…

The memory hit him like a punch to the gut. The night he attacked you. The guilt from that moment never left him, gnawing at the edges of his mind. You’d forgiven him, but he hadn’t forgiven himself. He didn’t deserve someone like you, not after that. Not ever.

Logan sat back on the edge of the bed, staring down at the lighter in his hand. His thoughts spiraled, a storm of self-loathing and regret. He convinced himself, as he always did, that he was destined to be alone. No good woman would ever settle for someone like him, let alone you.

-

The next morning arrived with an unexpected cold, so you threw on your warmest clothes and headed to the main hall for breakfast, excitement bubbling inside you at the idea of finding out more about Logan’s past. 

But the feeling wouldn’t last. When you got to the dining room you found Logan was already there, looking grumpier than usual. He had a deep frown on his face, and looked at his coffee cup as it had personally offended him.

“Hey, good morning.” You greeted him.

When he looked up at you, his face softened and his shoulders seemed to relax.

“Morning. Slept well?” He asked as you sat down across from him.

“Not really, I guess I was too excited about today to sleep. What about you?”

Logan mulled over it for a moment.

“Same.” He said simply.

“Are you okay?” You asked. “We don’t have to do it today if you’re not ready.” You reassured him. He quickly shook his head.

“No, there’s no point dragging this on any longer.” He ran a hand down his face. Your heart ached for him, he looked tired and angry.

“Logan…” You went to reach his hand, but he quickly pulled it away.

“You should go get some breakfast, we have a long day ahead.”

You got up and headed to the table where the food was served. If Logan wanted to be a grumpy cat, so be it.

He really did look like he was sucking a lemon.

The ride to the Estate was quiet, a big contrats from the ride the day before. There was no banter or jokes, just music playing softly on the radio.

When you finally reached the Estate, you let out a whistle. 

“Damn, Logan! I didn’t know you grew up filthy rich.” You joked. The main building, a manor that seemed frozen in time, stud tall and big at the top of a hill, surrounded by a vast land.

“Neither did I.” He said with a somber tone. Being back here after so long made Logan feel uneasy, like he was entering a sacred place that was prohibited to him, while at the same time walking into a dangerous place. Either way, he didn’t want to be there. You could tell this wasn’t easy for him and you wanted to make him feel at ease, but you could only help him as much as he would allow it. And right now he was being too stubborn for that.

When he parked the car you both got out, but as Logan headed to the door he noticed you weren’t following. Instead you stood by the car, arms crossed on your chest and a pout on your face.

“You coming or what?” He asked annoyed.

“No.” You stomped your foot like a child about to throw a tantrum. “Not until you tell me why you’re being such an ass this morning.” You pressed.

Logan glared at you.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Come on.” 

You shook your head.

“Nope. Something happened and I wanna know what.”

Logan groaned.

“Coming here was your idea, so come on, let’s get moving.”

But you didn’t budge, shaking your head.

“You’re doing it again!” You said.

“Doing what?” Logan asked confused.

“Pushing me away.” You replied, your voice shaking. It made Logan stop in his tracks. He had sworn he wouldn’t push you away again. With a defeated sigh he ran a hand down his face and walked back towards you.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I didn’t mean to. I guess I’m really stressed right now, not knowing what we may find there.” He said pointing at the building with his thumb over his shoulder. “I barely got any sleep but I don’t mean to take it out on you.” He reassured you.

Damn, you really had him wrapped around your finger, didn’t you?

“Why didn't you just tell me? You know you can tell me anything.” The sad look on your face, with a little pout on your lips, made Logan’s defense crumble.

“I know, I’m sorry sweetheart. You already did so much for me I didn’t want to burden you with something else.”

You pouted even more.

“After all this time you still haven’t learned that you’re not a burden for me.” You shook your head and stepped closer. “I guess I’ll just have to keep reminding you.” You took his hand and walked towards the door. “Come on!”

Logan smiled softly. Of course you forgave him right away, you just couldn’t stay mad at him.

He was so screwed!

“Is it anything like you remember?” You asked him and he looked around the building.

“Somewhat, yeah. But mostly things look out of place.”

Several families lived there after the Howletts, and in the latest decades functioned as a museum, so changes were to be expected, but at least most of the structure was left the same since the last time Logan was there.

You were spotted by an employee behind a counter.

“Welcome to Howlett Estate! Would you like a guided tour?” He asked.

“No.” Logan said simply. You threw him a look.

“We would like to explore on our own, but we may have questions for later.” You added politely.

“Okie dokie! Here are some flyers and you can use your phones to download more information.” 

You took the flyers and smiled.

“Thank you!” You said before taking Logan by the arm and walking away. “I like him, he says okie dokie.” Logan simply rolled his eyes.

Stepping into the museum felt like traveling through a time machine. The furniture, the lamps, the carefully preserved clothes, all of it carried the weight of 200 years of history. You couldn’t help but wish these artifacts could speak, sharing the stories they had witnessed. How many footsteps had echoed through these halls? How many secrets were tucked away within these walls?

With your arm gently hooked around Logan's, you strolled at a leisurely pace, making sure he didn’t rush through the space. You wanted him to take it all in, to truly absorb every detail around him.

In the main room rested an imposing portrait of the Howlett family: John, Elizabeth and little James.

“Is that you?” You whispered pointing at the boy on the painting.

“I think so.”

“Awww you were so cute!” You gushed. Logan blinked and looked away, the tips of his ears turning pink. “Look at those little shorts!”

“I looked ridiculous in those clothes.” He deflected.

“Uh I’m sure they were very fashionable at the time.” You shrugged. “Your mom was very beautiful.”

Logan stared at the woman in the painting with a newfound pain in his chest: he craved for a motherly love he never felt. For someone who lived such a long life, he surely missed out on a lot of things.

“She really was.” He said softly.

You stayed quiet, knowing Logan needed a moment to process everything. There were signs of recognition in his eyes, but you didn’t dare to ask. If he wanted to share a memory with you, he would let you know.

You moved from one room to the other, until you reached a children’s bedroom and Logan stopped in his tracks.

“I remember this place…” He walked in slowly, taking everything in.

“Yeah?” You were curious. “Was this your bedroom?”

“I think so. It looked a bit different then, but yeah…”

“You had a big ass bed.” You pointed out the fancy mahogany bed. “I bet you were very spoiled.” You teased, but you dropped your playfulness when you saw the lost look on Logan’s face.

“I remember spending a lot of time in bed. I was a sickly kid.” He then walked to the bed and stared at it for a moment. You could almost see the wheels turning in his head. Suddenly Logan pushed the bed to the side, as if it weighed nothing.

“Logan!” You chastised. “We’re not supposed to touch anything!”

“Just keep watch.” Logan said before kneeling down and reaching behind the head of the bed.

“What are you doing?” You asked before leaning against the door, watching out for anyone coming your way.

“I left something in here…” he tapped around the wall until he heard a hollow sound. The room had clearly been reformed through the years, but to Logan’s surprise his little hidden spot was untouched. With one of his claws he managed to pull out a piece of skirting board and there it was: his little box of treasures.

He quickly put the board back in its place and then moved the bed.

“What is that?” You asked as you both sat on the bed. Logan opened the tin box, dust flying everywhere, and was met with little pieces of his childhood. There was an uncharacteristic tenderness in the way Logan picked the first item, his movements careful and deliberate, a stark contrast to his usual rough manner. 

It was a little lead soldier.

“I remember this, my grandfather got it for me during a business trip.” He said before going for another item, and then another, and another. “He wasn’t very nice, so little things like this meant a lot to me.”

In the box were all kinds of things a boy could treasure: a few colorful marbles, a feather, some coins…

“It’s like a time capsule.” You whispered before reaching in and taking a postcard from the box. It had a beautiful painting of a rose. You turned it around and read outloud “Love you forever, your little flower -Rose.” You smiled softly. “Mmmm who’s Rose?” 

Logan took a moment to think before picking the car.

“A childhood friend.” He said. It was a lie, or at least not the whole truth. Logan and Rose’s story was a long and messy one, one that ended in tragedy.

“A childhood friend.” You repeated with a scoff. “I didn’t know you called your friends “little flowers”.” you teased, elbowing him playfully.

Logan rolled his eyes.

“Shut up.” He said before snatching the card from your hand and placing it back in the box. If it wasn’t because of the shy smile on his face you would think he was actually mad.

Then something in the box caught his attention and his smile dropped. You watched as he carefully picked up an old pocket watch from the box.

“This was my father’s.” He said softly. “It was broken, so he didn’t use it anymore. He told me I could keep it and maybe one day I would figure out how to fix it.” He frowned, caressing the watch with his thumb, the same way he did with his lighter. “That day never came.” He said sadly.

You watched him quietly, before placing your hand on his back and rubbing soothing circles on it.

“You just got a piece of him back, that’s something…” You commented.

“Yeah, you’re right.”

“Excuse me?” A voice behind you said. You quickly threw your coat on Logan’s lap, hiding the box, before turning to see a tour guide standing by the door. “You’re not supposed to sit on the bed.” He said, a disapproving look on his face.

“Right! Of course! I’m sorry!” You jumped from the bed and walked towards him. “So, I have some questions, I saw there are a lot of portraits on the staircase, are they members of the Howlett family? Who are they?” You talked fast, pushing the guide out to the hall to give Logan a moment alone. You gave Logan a pointed look over your shoulder before stepping out of the room.

Logan kept looking into the box before finally closing it and putting it in your bag. He would look more into it later, for now he had to make sure you weren’t getting in trouble.

He found you asking all kinds of questions to the poor guide, who looked confused and flustered.

“... so if the mattresses were filled with feathers, how many geese or ducks would they need to fill in a king sized bed?” you asked.

“I wouldn’t know, ma’am.”

“I imagine it would be a lot!”

“Right.”

“And they made their own candles, right? Now, how do you make a candle?” You asked, playing dumb.

“I think that’s enough, sweetheart.” Logan said, stopping by your side. The guide sighed with relief.

“I have one more question!” You said before turning back to the poor guy. “What happened to the Howlett family? Are they still around?”

“I’m afraid the family’s history is a tragic one. For starters John and Elizabeth’s first son, John Jr. passed away when he was a baby. Years later they had their second son, James. There aren’t any actual records, given the time, but for what we could gather James was an illegitimate son Elizabeth had with the groundskeeper, Thomas Logan. Either way John raised James as his own. Not that he had much of a choice, at the time it would’ve been a massive scandal if people knew James was a bastard child.” while the guide talked and pointed out some portraits you glanced at Logan. There was a storm brewing behind his hazel eyes and you worried he would lash out any moment.

“Whether Mr. Howlett knew or not isn’t clear, but we do know he fired Logan. One evenight Thomas returned and the two men fought to death. It’s believed that he came back to take his son away and was killed in the process, not without mortally wounding John first. Still, someone must’ve taken little James, because he went missing after that. People in town searched for him, but he was never found.”

Slowly and very discreetly you stood by Logan and took his hand. With a squeeze to his fingers you told him you were there for him. This couldn’t be easy for him to hear. He squeezed your hand back, your touch grounding him.

“Feeling incapable of carrying on without her husband and her soon,Mrs. Elizabeth Howlett took her own life. The Howlett name remained, thanks to John’s father, who kept the place up and running until his death. He never stopped looking for James.” The guide concluded.

There was an extended silence, as everything seemed to sink in.

“That is very sad.” you said softly after a moment.

“Indeed.” the guide said. “Anything else you’d like to know?”

You looked at Logan and he shook his head.

“No, that would be all, thank you.” You replied.

“Of course, don’t forget to stop by the gift store!” the guide said before retreating away.

You turned to look at Logan fully.

“Are you okay?” 

Logan barely nodded his head.

“Enough for today.” He mumbled before walking away. 

It wasn’t long before you were both sitting at a table in the far corner of a bar. Logan knocked back drink after drink while you nursed a beer. The tin box laid open on the table while Logan inspected some of his old “treasures”. You were quiet for most of it, but you were worried about him and couldn’t keep silent much longer.

“Are you okay?” You asked. “I know today was intense and a lot happened, but did you at least get some answers? Any memories?”

Logan nodded before downing another drink.

“He was wrong.” He mumbled.

“Who?”

“The tour guide. He got most of the story right, but some details were wrong.” Logan took his father’s watch with a longing look. “My father didn’t kill Thomas Logan, I did.” He confessed. “That night I found out I was a mutant, I killed him with my claws… I was just a child.” He shook his head in shame.

“Oh Logan, I’m so sorry.” you said placing a hand on his arm.

“Thomas Logan was my biological father, but he didn’t mean anything to me. John Howlett didn’t raise me to avoid a scandal. He loved my mother and he loved me. In my heart he will always be my true father.”

“What happened after?” You asked.

“Rose and I ran away with help from my grandfather. The memories get hazy after that, but I do recall…” He took a deep breath. “I recall killing Rose by accident.” He said sadly.

“Oh, Logan…” You didn’t know what to say. 

“I hurt everyone I care about, even before I knew I was a mutant I hurt my family.”

“No, Logan, stop. The way you were conceived wasn’t your fault, you didn’t choose to be your father’s son. You didn’t kill your mother, that’s on her.” You shook your head.

“What about Rose, uh? Or the others that came after her? My life is an endless battle, one death after the other.” He shook his head in defeat. “You should go back to the Mansion without me.”

Your heart dropped.

“What?” the question came out in a shaky voice. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”

“Angel…” Logan sounded exhausted. “I’m a bad man. You don’t need a bad man in your life.”

You frowned and felt hot tears threatening to spill out. 

“Logan, I need you to listen to me.” You said while taking his hand over the table. “I know you say you’re a bad man because you feel guilty, because you have a conscience that weighs on you. But what if I told you that doesn’t make you a bad man. It does the opposite.” He looked at you confused. “A bad man doesn’t care if he hurts someone else, he only cares about himself. A bad man doesn’t have a conscience. And this, James Logan Howlett, is how I know you’re not a bad man. Because you care, I know you do, you care so much and behind this tough exterior there’s a good man craving forgiveness, companionship and even love.”

Logan looked at you for a moment, his eyes going from one side of your face to the other, as if he was memorizing your face.

“Sweetheart…” He breathed out.

“Please don’t leave me.” you begged, catching him by surprise. “You left once and it nearly killed me, please don’t do it again, don’t push me away.” Without realizing, tears started rolling down your cheeks. Logan reached up to touch your face and your eyelids dropped as he wiped your tears.

Your heart ached for him. You were convinced he would never love you back, not the way he loved Jean, but when he touched you like that you couldn’t help but feel a little bit of hope.

In the meantime Logan wondered how he got someone like you to care for him so much, to see the good in him when he couldn’t see it himself. You were so beautiful and if it was up to him you would never cry tears of sadness ever again.

“It’s been a long day, we both need some rest.” He said, both of you exhausted.

Once back at the B&B Logan walked you to your door.

“Will you be okay tonight?” You asked softly.

“Yeah.” Logan replied without thinking too much, before frowning and rubbing his neck. “I think so...” he added unsure. “...probably not.”

“We can stay up and talk a little bit more, if you want.” You offered.

Talking was the last thing Logan wanted to do.

“Angel…” He stepped closer, something shifting in his eyes. He lifted a hand to your face, so slowly it felt as if he was trying not to scare you, and placed it on your cheek. Your breath hitched and you tilted your head against his hand, seeking his touch. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.” Logan whispered.

As if drawn together by an invisible force, you stepped closer until your chests were nearly brushing. Logan hesitated, his gaze searching yours for any sign to pull away, to stop. But all he found was an invitation: a soft, loving look that made him feel like the only person in the world. It was as if nothing else existed, no one else mattered, and you wanted him just as much as he wanted you.

“I would do anything for you, Logan.” you confessed. 

And that was all Logan needed to take the next step. He leaned in and pressed his lips against you in a chaste, tentative kiss. Your hands moved up his chest to rest on each side of his neck, pulling him closer, his free hand resting on your hip.

When Logan pulled back he didn’t go far, he rested his forehead against yours. You opened your eyes slowly and looked at him still trying to wrap your head around the fact that he had kissed you. You dreamed of this moment so many times, you weren’t ready to let go.

You tilted your head up and kissed him again, this time with more enthusiasm as the initial shock washed away.

Logan wrapped his arm around your waist while you ran your hands up his neck and your fingers through his hair. When your tongue slipped past his lips, Logan let out a low growl and pulled you closer.

“Fuck, sweetheart…” He hissed against your lips. “I should’ve kissed sooner.” He said before kissing you again.

“I wish you had.” You whispered. 

Logan pressed you against your door, wanting to feel you impossibly close.

“I don’t think I can stop.” Logan admitted. 

“I don’t want you to stop. I've wanted this for a long time.” You said, but before he could kiss you again you pulled your face away slightly. “But I need to know…”

Logan pulled back to look at you better and waited.

“Yes?”

Suddenly you felt like you couldn’t speak, no words would come out of your mouth. When Logan saw you struggle, he tilted your chin and made you look at him.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry if I pushed you too much.”

You quickly shook your head.

“No, it’s not that… It’s just that…” You took his hands, wanting to ground yourself. “If we’re going any further, I need to know it’s not because you can’t be with Jean.” You looked at him shyly. “I don’t want to be your second choice.”

Logan stared at you for a moment in shock. He knew you were aware of his feelings for Jean, you even held him when he cried over her engagement with Scott. So it shouldn’t have come as a surprise that you had your doubts. He wanted to shut those doubts down fast.

“You’re not.” He said. “I’m an idiot, this entire time I’ve been pinning after her yet you were here by my side, putting up with my crap.” He shook his head. “All those times I talked about her, did I hurt you?”

You chewed your lower lip as you tried to come up with an answer. But you didn’t need to, Logan saw right through you.

“Oh, sweetheart…” He pulled you closer and kissed your forehead. You instantly clinged onto him. “I’m so sorry.”

“You didn’t know.” you tried to comfort him. “I’m sorry I killed the mood.”

Logan chuckled lightly against your skin.

“You didn’t kill anything. I’m glad we talked about this.” He pulled back and cupped your face. “I don’t want Jean, not anymore. I want you, even though I’m convinced I don’t deserve you.”

You rolled your eyes and gave his shirt a little tug.

“You keep saying that, can I convince you otherwise?” You asked with a flirty tone as you played with his dog tags. Logan smirked.

“Perhaps I can be persuaded.” He flirted back.

You quickly opened your bedroom door and pulled him inside. You couldn’t help but giggle as you pushed his jacket off his shoulders and he kicked the door shut. This was everything you dreamed of! Logan easily picked you up by your thighs and you quickly wrapped your legs around his waist.

“You better not drop me!” You laughed.

“Never!” He chuckled and kissed you again.

Logan set you down carefully on the dresser where he took his time tasting your lips and exploring your mouth. Your hands wandered all over his chest, his broad shoulders, his biceps… you wanted to touch every inch of him. You couldn’t get enough of him.

At one point he pulled back and caressed your cheek.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured, his voice carrying an uncharacteristic softness. His eyes held a rare tenderness, mirrored in the gentle way his fingers brushed against you. It was a good thing you were sitting down because your knees were weak and you felt like melting inside. “My sweet little angel.” Logan added before kissing you again.

Your hands worked on unbuttoning his flannel and quickly pushed it off his shoulder, dropping it on the floor next to his jacket.

“Logan…” You whispered against his lips. “Take me to bed…”

He didn’t need to be told twice.

You spend the rest of the night in Logan’s arms, making love and having all kinds of conversations in between, from deep and revealing to fun and silly. But you only had so much energy, and after the fourth round your eyelids started to drop. Logan watched you as you curled up against him, his fingertips caressing your arm up and down. You were breathtaking and he kicked himself for not realizing sooner.

At one point you felt the sheets rustling and the bed moving. You turned to see Logan sitting on the bed, slowly dressing himself. With your eyes heavy with sleep, you tried to sit up, lifting yourself up with your elbow.

“What are you doing?” You asked softly.

Logan turned to look at you and smiled at the sight: you looked adorable, half asleep, your hair a mess, your lips bruised from all the kisses. and the sheets barely covering your naked body.

“Go back to sleep, baby.” He whispered.

Your heart dropped.

“You’re leaving? Why?”

The worry and sadness in your voice didn’t go unnoticed to Logan.

“It’s not what you think.” He shook his head and leaned to kiss your forehead. “I just can’t fall asleep next to you.”

“Why?” you pouted.

“I’m worried I may hurt you again.” He admitted.

You looked at him for a moment, giving him your best puppy dog eyes.

“I wish you didn’t leave.” You wanted nothing more but to sleep in his arms.

“I know, baby, I know.” He sighed. “I’ll keep working on it, I promise. I just don’t want to hurt you.”

You reached for his hand. What he didn’t know is that this was hurting you too.

“Will I see you in the morning?”

Logan smiled and lifted your hand to his lips, kissing your knuckles softly.

“Darling, after tonight, you won’t ever get rid of me.” He chuckled and leaned to kiss you. “Get some sleep, I’ll bring us breakfast in a few hours.” He promised.

“Mmmokay.” You sighed and nuzzled your pillow. “It better be a good breakfast, with lots of kisses.”

Logan chuckled and got up.

“All the kisses you want, my angel.”

--

Taglist:

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[dotthings]

Some tea from Richard Speight, Jr. about filming Cas’s testament scene has surfaced from DLC6. [x]

nothing cut from script to screen but they added things, such as Cas having to paint the sigil on the door and leaving the bloody hand print on Dean’s shoulder [my note: wbk about the additions during filming. There's still the matter of the spanish dub because the latam dubbing team felt a verbal I love you from Dean, made sense. And a few other lingering questions that have not actually been resolved and we may never know, but I'll go along. If Rich is happy with what was filmed and got to screen in the US, I'm glad. I love 15.18 either way. Rich's comments also goes to show how collaborative making tv is and how fluid the process can be.]

Rich said the scene wasn’t intended to be about Dean’s reciprocation, it was to give Cas his moment to speak his truth, to speak his love for Dean, and Cas didn’t expect an answer back, he just wanted to be heard, wanting Dean to know. [my note: makes sense to me, and it’s what I’ve thought about Cas pov. Cas pov not being the same as audience pov and what the story might need next and what Dean’s needs are. But for that scene, Cas feels complete. It also very much means the emotional story from Dean's side is not resolved. Dean wasn't given his chance yet, by creative design, perhaps because the only way they could get this greenlit at all is if it was only Cas who got to speak. We'll see what happens next.]

Rich saying because they did many takes of the scene with Dean’s emotional reactions, there are shots where Dean is crying more, or crying less. Editing put together different angles from different takes. [my note: the irony that naysayers are already trying to weaponize this to shut down the idea that anything got cut when per Rich himself, the facts on the ground are that the full range of Jensen’s acting for Dean’s response got reduced. No shade on Rich. But let's not erase or deny what was going on with Jensen's acting and how Jensen gave 110% and what wound up on screen was about 80% of whatever work Jensen did. Dean wept more than we saw, even before Dean was on the dungeon floor sobbing. Jensen’s performance as it stands is beautiful and powerful and full of emotion. It has taken an inordinate amount of hate and erasure, which is 100% cynical concern trolling to deny Dean’s feelings for Cas. More shots of Dean crying openly wouldn’t stop it, there’s no excuse for those responses. What’s there is loud enough. Only the most willfully cynical gaze could deny the love and anguish Dean showed.]

Rich said the parallel for John and Mary’s confession in TW 1x07 to 15x18 is a “coincidence” yet went on to talk about the trope of confessing love in a life or death situation and cited Leia and Han Solo among others [my note: it was also used again by an ep Rich recently directed in another piece of media I won’t say so I don’t spoil it. Also I’m laughing about how it seems he answered this. Total coincidence!! And spn 15.18 is like TW 1x07 is like Han and Leia and love confessions in dire situations is a common (romantic) trope. Pls, if anybody is taking away from this some kind of shutdown on creative recognition of the Destiel implications of it all, I don’t even want to know, I’ve had my fill of poor comprehension skills, poor critical thinking, and poor media literacy, oh my god]

Rich saying he was glad Cas’s words meant a lot to queer fans and that he feels it was important and a “bold” move that Bobo and Misha fought for. <3

So that's confirmation from director now, to add to writer intention, both actors, and an EP who greenlight Bobo's pitch for Cas’s testament as romantic. That is canon. That is a lock.

Cas's testament started out carefully padded into an “open to interpretation” zone. We have watched it be eased out of it and into the open.

I’m pleased it's openly acknowledged for what it is...and what I knew it was when the ep aired. I did expect it would be eventually, and would take some time. I’m glad it's here now.

As always, my appreciation for the work Rich, Bobo, Jensen, Misha did on 15.18 <333

[good-beanswrites]

Some LCSYS thoughts to make me feel better after the new update ;-; More Mahiru-centric, but Haruka and Shidou are definitely here chillin. At some point I'll need to rewrite that last chapter, too, ough...

“Alright, is everybody ready for Curtain Ca–”

“Stop!” Mahiru pressed a finger to Jackalope’s lips, despite the look of exasperation he gave her. “No work talk at a party.” She breezed away from him to the table where the others were gathered.

At the very beginning of planning, as she was pitching the idea of recognizing everyone’s birthday along with hers, Mahiru had placed an order for ten whole cakes. She insisted that the others would miss out on getting a proper one during the trials. Jackalope insisted that ten was a ridiculous number of cakes to have. They ended up comprising on three – a personalized one for each of the prisoners that would be staying behind. (Jackalope would have pointed out that it defeated the purpose, since they were the ones that could now ask for a cake any day they wanted, but he was just glad she had agreed to the terms.)

He followed her to the spread of treats. “I know you’re disappointed, but eventually you’ll have to face that the others are leaving. We have a few last timelines to write up, and then you’ll have to deal with a very short break from–”

“Please!” She pouted her bottom lip. “It’s Mahiru’s birthday, for goodness sake!”

Jackalope crossed his arms. “I thought you said today was everybody’s birthday…”

She looked pointedly away. “I said we’re celebrating everybody’s birthday, but we’re holding it on my birthday.”

“Interesting.”

He reluctantly left her as Yuno called him over to the games corner. Mahiru fluttered a goodbye wave. Shidou and Mikoto joined them at cake table, both sipping from color-coded cups Mahiru had organized.

“Oi Mappi,” Mikoto held his drink out to her. “You should try one of these! Kazu-san’s been making them, I forget what he calls them, but they’re great. You want a sip?”

Mahiru turned him down. A hand tugged gently on Mikoto’s sleeve.

“U-um! Can I try a sip?”

He stayed firmly facing away, feigning confusion. “Huh, what was that?”

“Just a-a little sip.”

“Ahhh… you know, I really miss Haru-kun.”

“Mikoto-saaaan.”

He wiped a nonexistent tear from his eye. “You know, sometimes I can still hear his voice…”

“Pleeease? Y-you said you were gonna see how many you could get Fuuta-san to-to drink tonight!”

Mikoto choked back a sip as Shidou’s eyebrows raised. “Fuuta’s over twenty! I wouldn’t give alcohol to a kid, that’s a crime, y’know?”

Before any of them could poke fun about his choice of words, Muu marched over to them. She held out a slice of purple-frosted cake on her plate and wrinkled her nose. “Shidou-san, something’s wrong with your cake. It’s horrible.”

“Oh no, there’s nothing wrong with it.” Shidou smiled. “It’s vegan.”

“Oh.” Her scrunched face didn’t change. “Muu’s going to get a different piece…” She grabbed Haruka by the hand, leading him away to his own cake. Mahiru noticed she was wearing the gift that Haruka had given her. Birthday presents hadn’t been part of the big party plan, but a few sentimental gifts had been exchanged. Jackalope was still mentally weighing what could be taken into the prison without raising suspicion, while the prisoners were mentally weighing what could be snuck into their cell whether he agreed to it or not.

Shidou frowned. “You better have been joking about Kajiyama-kun.”

“Eh, that’s not a crime.”

“Please.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m already losing sleep about the toll this all will take on Es-kun. Don’t do anything next trial to make me worry about the rest of you, too.”

“Es-kun…” Mahiru’s expression darkened.

Across the room came a laugh. “Come on doc, don’t you trust us?” Kotoko asked the question with a crooked smirk, heading over from where the game was breaking up. By the way Yuno lead Amane in a gloating walk, it was clear who had won. “I can assure you, everything is under control.”

“Why don’t we talk about something else?” Mahiru offered, her wide smile bordering on frantic. “Everyone keeps talking about Milgram, Milgram, Milgram! Let’s talk about something nice, mm? Kazui-san, tell me that funny story you were just telling Shidou-san!”

Kotoko gave her a look. “Have you already forgot your big conversation…?”

“Not at all! I remember every word he said to me.” Mahiru clasped her hands together. She relaxed her face, her eyes closed in perfect peacefulness. “I’m learning to live in the moment. That’s what I’m doing right now.”

“No. You still need to deal with your negative emotions head-on. So, do you have something you want to get off your chest before we head back in there?”

Mahiru was met with pleasant gazes from all sides. A few nodded in encouragement. “I… I actually do.”

She inhaled for a moment. She exhaled just as long. She looked around at the faces around her. She saw the half-eaten cakes. The board games scattered around. The gift wrapping and the cards. She studied the smiles all turned her way.

Lunging at Kotoko, she wrapped her in a tight embrace. Her voice trembled with tears. “Happy birthday.”

She was met with a loud sigh, and Kotoko returned the hug.

“Ah… you’re nuts.”

From the back of the group, Jackalope frantically typed something up on his phone. “Damn, that’s good,” he muttered.

[supernaturalscribe67]

T-Shot

Words: 8,204

POV: 3rd Person

Pairing: Castiel x Trans!FTM!Reader

Warning(s): Language, Needles, Description of testosterone injection, slight angst if you squint, hurt/comfort, description of afab anatomy (use of the word 'clit' once), fluff, Castiel not understanding social cues

Summary: The reader has started his journey with testosterone, and his boyfriend, Castiel, promises to be with him every step of the way. What Castiel didn't realize was that the testosterone would change (Y/N) more than he realized.

Request:

Hi I was just wondering if you could do a Sam or even Cas fic (romantic) where reader is trans FTM and also asexual. Where the reader starts testosterone and sam or cas helps them with the new changes. You can just have fun with it. Make it a sad a bit too but end with a happy note :)

Anonymous

A/N: Someone please come and take this pen away from me. This fic was only supposed to be, about, 3k words, I don't know how it turned into my longest fic. I hope you guys enjoy! Feedback is much appreciated!

~Much Love!

~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.

As he descended the bunker steps, the paper bag crinkled in (Y/N)’s hands. It was the best sound he had ever heard in his entire life. For, in that very bag, was the key to achieving everything he had dreamed of and more, allowing him to get one step closer to the person he was destined to be. And it all came in a little glass vial.

(Y/N) looked in the library but found it empty, so he walked down the hallway to his bedroom. His steps were rapid, anxious, yet excited. When he entered, he saw Castiel on his bed, who sat up. The movement of the door startled him, but he was quick to recover. (Y/N) flashed a small smirk his way.

“Hey,” he greeted and closed the door behind him.

“You’re back,” Castiel stated and stood from his spot on the bed. He took a couple of steps closer to him. “How did it go?”

(Y/N) held up the bag. “I got it.” His smile widened.

Castiel matched his grin as he stepped even closer. He reached a hand up to cup (Y/N)’s cheek and gave him a soft peck on the lips. “I’m glad to hear that it went well. When are you scheduled to take your first dose?”

“Well, the doc said I can take it anytime I want to start. I just have to make sure to keep it spread out to a dosage every week. So, today’s, what? Wednesday? I’ll be taking them every Wednesday from now on. Preferably at night. Easier for me to keep track that way.”

Castiel nodded as he listened intently to everything (Y/N) told him. “I see. When will you plan on taking it tonight?” He tilted his head to the side. 

“I was going to wait until after supper, but I’m too excited to wait.”

“May I watch you?”

“Of course, babe,” he said before he walked past Castiel and over to his bed.

(Y/N) sat the bag down before he took his shoes off, kicking them to the side. He then unbuckled his belt and let his jeans fall to the floor with a light clink. He stood in nothing but his boxers and t-shirt. He would have taken his binder off to make himself even more comfortable, but he was so focused on getting the medicine in his body that he didn’t even consider it an inconvenience. As (Y/N) sat on the bed, he beckoned Castiel over and patted the spot next to him. Castiel followed his instructions and sat down, his hands folded between his knees. He watched with great concentration as (Y/N) grabbed the paper bag and ripped it open. Inside the bag was a long, rectangular box, two different sets of needles, four syringes, alcohol wipes, and band-aids. Castiel studied the supplies curiously.

“This is everything I’ll need for the month. I have my testosterone, the bigger needles to extract it, the 23-gauge needles to inject it, syringes, alcohol wipes for sterilizing my skin and the surface of the vial, and cute little cat band-aids for when I’m done.” (Y/N) explained, showing Castiel all of the supplies as he talked.

Castiel paid close attention. He examined everything presented to him, taking in as many details as he could. He picked up the small box and opened it. The vial dropped into his hand when he tilted it to the side. His eyes narrowed as he examined the clear content. As he moved his hand back and forth, he watched the solution swish around inside.

“This is what you put into your body to change yourself?” He asked.

“Yep. It may not seem like much, but once it kicks in, you’ll start to see the differences.”

(Y/N) grabbed the box of alcohol wipes and opened them up. He grabbed two from the pack; one for the injection location and the other for the vial. He set the unopened packs beside him and did the same with one of the band-aids. The needles soon followed, one of each being placed beside him, each of their packages opened to allow easy access when he went to switch them out. Next, was the syringe. It, too, stayed in the sterile plastic, but was opened for easy access. He then turned to Castiel and held out his hand. Castiel carefully placed the vial in his hand, and the process began.

(Y/N) grabbed the syringe and connected the larger needle to the end of it. He set that to the side and grabbed one of the alcohol wipes, ripping the corner of the packet with his teeth. Using the wipe, he cleaned off the top of the vial. He disposed of the wipe and grabbed the needles and syringe. The needle was uncapped, and he could feel the nerves bubble inside of him. He pulled the plunger of the syringe, allowing air to collect inside. The doctor said it would make for a more accurate extraction. With caution and precision, he injected the needle into the cap, tilted the vial upwards, and took out the dosage prescribed. The mere sight of the testosterone dripping into the syringe sent euphoria coursing through his body. 

With the extraction completed, he replaced the needle with the 23-gauge. He took a deep breath to steady himself, took out the other alcohol wipe, and disinfected the area on the top of his thigh. 

“Alright, the moment of truth,” he mumbled.

Using one hand to grasp the flesh of his upper thigh, (Y/N) gently guided the needle to his skin. The initial prick shocked his muscles a bit, as he wasn’t aware of how tense he had been. They were tight, and he knew he had to focus on relaxing them, otherwise it would hurt worse than it was supposed to. He didn’t stop pushing it in until the needle was fully in his thigh, the base of the needle almost flush against his skin. Once it was sheathed inside of him, his thumb shifted to the plunger and he began the injection. It wasn’t much - the doctor explained that the first couple of dosages would be smaller until they got a good sense of how his body was reacting to the medication - but it felt as if it took an eternity before the syringe was empty. When he was done, he, carefully, pulled out the needle. A small dot of blood mixed with testosterone appeared on top of his leg. He capped the needle and set it off to the side before he grabbed the bandage and placed it over the blood. 

He stared at the band-aid for a moment - it came in a cheap pack of twelve and had a blurred image of two kittens cuddling on it - before he looked up at Castiel.

“I did it,” he smiled brightly. “I just got my first t-shot.”

Castiel’s eyes shifted to (Y/N)’s and he mirrored his smile. He took a second to look over his features. Slowly, his expression shifted from joy to slight confusion. “You don’t look different.”

(Y/N) chuckled. “It takes some people a couple of months to notice any physical changes. It’s not magic. Wish it was,” he mumbled. “That’s why I need to do it every week, so it stays in my system and makes the changes.”

“Ah,” Castiel nodded. “Well, I’m proud of you, (Y/N),” he took his hand in his.

(Y/N) furrowed his brows. “For poking myself with a needle?”

Castiel shook his head. “You told me that getting your testosterone was going to be your biggest step in your journey of self-discovery so far. I’m proud that you were brave enough to take this step to become the person you’ve been destined to become.” Castiel reached up and gently cupped (Y/N)’s cheeks.

As cliche as it was, (Y/N) could feel his heart skip a beat. Ever since he told Castiel about wanting to start testosterone, he had been nothing but supportive. He always expressed that he wanted (Y/N) to live the life he wanted to live and that he would be by his side for the best and the worst of it. (Y/N) got lucky enough to have a partner like Castiel. It was as if he came right out of a dream. For that, he would always be grateful.

(Y/N) reached up and brushed his fingers against Castiel’s knuckles. “I love you, forever and always.”

“I love you, too. Forever and always.” Castiel replied, leaned in, and kissed him softly.

*~*

“Holy shit, this pizza is so good,” (Y/N) mumbled as he shoved the rest of the crust into his mouth, stuffing his cheeks full.

Sam and Dean gave him a questioning stare as he ate, their bites slow and methodical compared to his. Castiel, on the other hand, stared at him with an intense look of concern. It had been a little over a month since (Y/N) started testosterone and, while there hadn’t been many noticeable physical changes, there was one thing that everyone took notice of almost immediately; his intense change of appetite. 

Man, could that boy eat.

It wasn’t the fact that he served himself more during meals, either. If he wasn’t eating a meal, he was snacking. He snacked on chips, candy, fruits, vegetables, sandwiches, you name it. Anything that could be placed in a pantry or fridge had been eaten by (Y/N). Dean couldn’t even count on one hand the amount of times he had gotten on him for eating in the car, only to get a stern glare from both him and his boyfriend. Castiel hadn’t been too sure why (Y/N) began to eat as much as he had been. When he asked about it, (Y/N) simply told him that it was because of the testosterone, but didn’t give many details other than that. It left Castiel with a lot of questions that sat in the back of his mind, curious about the other aspects of testosterone that caused non-physical changes to occur.

(Y/N) reached for another slice, hesitated, and then grabbed the last two slices.

“Hungry?” Dean asked with a quirked brow.

“Starving,” (Y/N) mumbled, his mouth still recovering from his last bite.

“Are you sure?” Sam asked. “That’s, at least, your fifth and sixth slices.”

“Sam’s right, (Y/N). You’ve been eating a lot recently. Are you sure you’re alright?” Castiel asked warily, placing a hand on (Y/N)’s knee, rubbing it comfortingly.

(Y/N) chuckled. “I’m fine, babe,” he said, cheekful of food. “It’s just the testosterone. It makes me really, really hungry.”

Castiel flashed him another concerned look, despite the nod and small smile he gave. (Y/N) noticed his hesitancy and he flashed him a closed mouth smile. He placed his hand on top of his, swallowed his food, leaned over, and placed a small peck on the corner of Castiel’s lips. 

“I’m fine, babe, I promise.” He said as he looked into his eyes. 

Castiel studied his expression for a moment before he smiled again, one that was more genuine. “Alright.”

(Y/N) nodded briefly. “Okay, I’m going to the bathroom,” he said before he pointed at Sam and Dean. “Don’t touch my pizza.” The threat dripped from his lips. 

Sam and Dean raised their brows and watched as (Y/N) stood from the table, his eyes still piercing their souls as he left the room. Dean shook his head and took another bite of his food. Castiel glanced over at (Y/N)’s plate, then cast his gaze down to the table. His hands were on his knees, and he rubbed them tightly. Sam, noticing the distraught on his face, cocked his head in curiosity.

“What’s up, Cas?” he asked, placing his food back onto his plate. He folded his arms on the table.

Castiel gazed up at him for a moment before he shook his head. “I’m just worried about (Y/N). He doesn’t normally act like this.”

Sam gave him a sympathetic smile. “It’s a pretty big change, the testosterone. It’s as if he’s going through puberty all over again.”

“Sam’s right,” Dean chimed in, some pizza sauce and spittle peaking out of the corner of his full mouth. “Sammy ate like a pig when he hit puberty.”

“Not helping,” Sam deadpanned. “It’s just a side effect of the drug. It won’t last forever.”

“That’s what he told me, but I didn’t think it would change him like that.”

Sam chuckled. “Trust me, you’ve just scratched the surface of the side effects. It’ll be an interesting journey, to say the least.”

That comment didn’t seem to ease Castiel’s worry, which Sam took notice of. He sighed.

“Tell you what,” he dug into his pocket and took out his phone. “I have a couple of articles regarding the side effects of testosterone. Keep in mind, not everyone goes through the same experience, though, and not in the same order as others, either, but I can send them to you so you can at least have an idea of what (Y/N) could go through.”

Castiel nodded. “Thank you, Sam. That would put my mind at ease.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Dean shrugged as he chewed the last bite of his pizza. He brushed the crumbs off of his hands. “So the kid has a bottomless stomach, who cares? The only bad thing about it is that he steals all the damn food! I didn’t even get a chance to have more,” he gestured to the empty, grease-filled pizza box in the center of the table.

Sam rolled his eyes. “You’ll live,” he mumbled.

Dean looked over at (Y/N)’s plate, eying the single intact slice. It was obvious that the gears in his head were turning.

“Dean,” Castiel said in a deep tone of warning.

“What!?” He held out his hands dramatically. “I’m hungry.” Dean paused, eyes still glued on the food. Casually, he reached over and grabbed the uneaten slice. He brought it to his face and was about to take a bite when a loud, booming voice echoed throughout the kitchen.

“Drop it!” (Y/N) shouted.

Dean visibly jumped, eyes wide as he turned to see (Y/N) in the doorway, eyes laced with red fury. He quickly put the pizza back onto (Y/N)’s plate, got up from the table, plate in hand, and walked swiftly over to the sink. Sam snorted and took a bite of his food as (Y/N) stalked over to the table. He glared daggers into the back of Dean’s head. If looks could kill, Dean would have been dead…again. (Y/N) sat back down. 

“Asshole,” (Y/N) grumbled under his breath, picked up one of the slices, and took another bite.

*~*

Every fiber of his being was sore. Grave digging was not for the weak, and that was exactly how (Y/N) felt after the salt and burn. The three of them came out of the hunt with some minor scrapes and bruises that were certain to go away on their own over time. Injury-wise, he was fine, but his muscles screamed in pain and agony as he moved from the Impala to the motel room door. They begged for relief in the arms of a hot shower, but he knew his blessings were limited. The pain, however, wasn’t the only thing he noticed during the aftermath of the hunt. Once the adrenaline wore off and his senses finally came back to him, there was one crucial detail he had failed to take notice of before then.

(Y/N) smelled horrible.

It wasn’t as if he had gotten blood or guts on himself during the hunt. All he did was sweat. He knew there would be some changes in the way his body odor smelled, but, in no way would he have assumed it would be as pungent and foul as it was. He even made sure to layer on the deodorant during his pre-hunt preparation as an extra precaution, but it was all to no avail.

“I call first shower,” (Y/N) said as Dean took the room key out and unlocked the door. “Have I always smelled this bad?”

Dean scoffed. “I was going to offer you the first shower, anyway. You smell awful. I was going to say something earlier, but I figured Sammy would yell at me or something.”

The three of them entered the room, welcomed to the sight of Castiel laid back on his and (Y/N)’s shared bed. He sat up, eyes immediately scanning over their bodies, taking in all of their details for any sign of injury. Sam shook his head and walked over to his duffel bag that lay on the floor next to the opposite bed.

“Yeah, ‘cause you would have probably been a dick about it,” he retorted.

“I would not!” Dean exclaimed as he strode to his bag.

“No, please, be a dick about it. I wanna know for the next time.” (Y/N) shook his head and retrieved some night clothes from his duffel.

“What would Dean have been a dick about?” Castiel asked, head tilted slightly to the side.

“About telling me if I smell.” (Y/N) answered.

Castiel furrowed his brows. “I thought it was considered rude to tell people they smell bad.”

“Yeah, random people. Dean’s my friend, though, and friends help each other like that. They tell you if you smell or look bad to save you from embarrassment in public.”

“Does that apply to myself as well?”

(Y/N) smirked. “Yes, Cas, it does.”

“So, should I inform you of the red and white spots that you have on your face?”

(Y/N)’s smirk vanished and was replaced by a deep frown. Wordlessly, he walked past Castiel and to the bathroom. The dim light illuminated the poorly decorated room, the vent whirring to life. He stood in front of the basin and studied himself in the mirror. Upon closer inspection, (Y/N) gaped. Accompanying the blotches of dirt scattered around his face were red, angry zits. There were some across his cheeks, some on his forehead, and a giant, ready-to-pop whitehead on his chin. Castiel made his way over and placed his hand on the doorframe.

“Is everything alright, (Y/N)?” Castiel asked cautiously.

“No! Everything’s not okay!” (Y/N) whined and squeezed past his boyfriend so he could point an accusatory finger at Sam and Dean. “Some fucking friends you are! First, you don’t tell me that I smell bad, and now I find you didn’t tell me that my face looks like it lost a fight with a pizza!?”

“(Y/N), plenty of adults have acne. I didn’t think it was a big deal,” Sam defended himself.

Dean pursed his lips. “I thought Sam would yell at me.” He shrugged.

Sam shot Dean a glare and (Y/N) sighed.

“I went out as an agent like this.” He complained.

“You look fine,” Sam said.

“Fine? I look like I got out of a five-hour Leave of Legends session and drank Mountain Dew nonstop! That mixed with my voice sounding like I’m going to beg my mom for the new Fortnite Battlepass doesn’t necessarily scream agent.”

Sam and Dean both held in their laughter as they looked away. (Y/N) shook his head. 

“I’m so glad you two find this funny,” he grumbled and crossed his arms over his chest.

Castiel came over and placed a hand gently on his waist. “(Y/N)?”

(Y/N) turned his gaze to Castiel, absentmindedly leaning against him. “Yeah?”

“Despite the marks on your face, I still think you are the most handsome man I have laid eyes on.” He offered a soft, sweet smile.

(Y/N) stared at him and took a deep breath, lips pursed. Slowly, a smile crept onto the corner of his lips.

“You always know what to say to make me feel better.” He said, leaned up, and kissed Castiel on the lips.

“Ew!” Dean exclaimed as he picked up one of his pillows and chucked it at the couple. “Get a room!”

*~*

Another day but, fortunately, not another hunt. It had been a month since the group had been able to rest from the copious amount of cases available, and they were taking advantage of it. They deserved a small vacation. (Y/N) and Castiel spent quality time together in the man cave, curled up on the couch with a blanket draped over their laps. A movie that (Y/N) had practically begged Castiel to watch played on the television. Castiel was laid back against the arm of the couch, his arm draped around (Y/N)’s middle so he could hold him close. A bowl of popcorn, coated deliciously in butter, sat between them.

“I don’t understand the conflict that the two storm-chasing teams have with one another. What happened to cause the rift in their relationship?” Castiel asked, eyes glued to the screen.

(Y/N) shrugged. “Honestly, they don’t go into detail about why they’re against one another. I wish they did,” 

Castiel hummed and went back to watching the film. A couple of minutes went by before the sound of footsteps came closer to the room. Dean poked his head into the door. He looked at the TV and then down at the couple.

“Hey,” he said.

(Y/N) glanced at him, grabbed the remote, and paused the movie. “Yeah?”

“I’m heading out on a supply run. Do you need anything?”

“No, I’m good, thanks,”

“Alright, I’ll be back in a bit,” Dean moved away from the door and began to make his way down the hall.

(Y/N) watched the doorway intently as he listened to the footsteps disappear into the distance. “Can you do me a favor, babe?” 

“Of course,” Castiel said, his attention fully on (Y/N). “What is it?”

“When Dean comes back, can you distract him?”

Castiel furrowed his brows. “Why?”

“I might, and I’m saying might, have played a prank on Dean that he’s not going to be too happy about.”

“What did you do?”

“Well, you know how, recently, I’ve stopped having my period?”

“Yes?”

“I had a lot of tampons and pads left over, and I didn’t necessarily want them to go to waste. So, I figured, what better way to get rid of them than to prank Dean with them.”

“How would you prank Dean with menstrual cycle products?”

(Y/N) bit his lip, anticipation filling his chest. He practically counted down the seconds, awaiting Dean’s imminent return. His muscles were tense, and the urge to run began to rise inside of him.

“Let’s just say Baby has some new decorations.”

“(Y/N)!” Dean’s voice echoed throughout the bunker.

Castiel’s head whipped toward the door, then immediately returned to (Y/N). “I’ll distract him.”

“God, I love you,” (Y/N) planted a kiss on Castiel’s cheek. “Bye!”

Without a second to lose, he threw the blanket off of him and dashed out of the room as quickly as his legs would allow. 

*~*

(Y/N)’s jaw dropped in a massive yawn. The mere sight of his bed made him want to collapse, but he knew he would hate himself in the morning if he didn’t change into something more comfortable beforehand. Castiel was sat at the end of the bed, loving gaze attached to (Y/N) as he went over to the dresser to get dressed. He was practically on autopilot as he moved, grabbed an oversized t-shirt and a pair of night pants, and proceeded to undress. However, something stopped him in his tracks as he took his binder off. His head was cast down, studying his chest intently. 

Castiel had witnessed that many times before; a dysphoric episode. There had been times when (Y/N) would sit and question himself about his appearance, whether out loud or mentally. Castiel would always take the time to remind him of how handsome he thought he was. How perfect he was. The progress he had made with testosterone. How in love with him he was. That moment, though, seemed different. Castiel stood from the bed and walked over to him.

“(Y/N)? Are you okay?” He asked softly. 

(Y/N) glanced up at him before his attention shifted to the full-body mirror that rested beside the dresser. He tilted his body so the light from his bedside table illuminated his naked torso. In the warm light, he was able to get a better look at his chest. He smiled.

“Cas! Look,” he gestured to the mirror. 

Castiel stepped closer to him, gaze locked on the mirror. He paid close attention to his chest to see what had caused the sudden happiness in his partner. The presence of smaller hairs scattered precariously around his upper torso was evident in the light. When he glanced up at (Y/N), he noticed that the smile that had been on his face had somehow widened. 

“My chest hairs finally came in! I thought it was gonna take, at least, a couple more months.”

Castiel grinned. “That’s wonderful, (Y/N).” He studied the hairs more closely. “Will they continue to grow?”

“Probably. They should grow a lot thicker, and maybe a little bit longer.”

Castiel stared at him with adoration. Wordlessly, he reached up, cupped (Y/N)’s cheeks, and kissed him. (Y/N) raised his brows, but immediately returned the kiss. The kiss was long and light, filled with love. When Castiel pulled back, (Y/N) slowly opened his eyes. 

“What was that for?” He asked quietly, reaching a hand up to caress Castiel’s.

Castiel hesitated before he let out a sigh. “Admittedly, I was rather nervous about this whole process at first. I was unsure of what would happen and how it would affect you. I never want to see you hurt. However, I see how happy you are when you see yourself now. The negative thoughts you used to have about yourself diminished greatly, and you’re even more handsome than when we first met. I’ve come to realize that my love for you can, indeed, grow stronger, and it does so every day.”

(Y/N) could feel his heart and chest swell. If he was in a cartoon, he swore his pupils would turn into hearts.

“I love you, too, Cas,” He said softly as he wrapped his arms around his waist and laid his head against his chest. “More than you’ll ever know.”

*~*

(Y/N) had been in bed for three hours. Within the past week, he had started to experience bottom growth. Although he was excited to be able to start that part of his transition, to fully feel like his body was conforming to the person he was, he had to admit that the pain was more intense than he had originally anticipated. It wasn’t a constant pain, but when it arose, it felt like a dull, throbbing pain mixed with the sensation of a thousand needles simultaneously stabbing his clit. Painkillers worked for the first couple of days, but the relief gradually faded as the pain became more intense. No matter which way he sat down, stood, or laid down, nothing could dull the ache.

He had done some research on different forums about bottom growth, and he found that only a small - minuscule would be a more accurate word - amount of transmen experience full-on pain during bottom growth. So few that there was barely any information on how to relieve the pain. He could only assume that those people saw the thousands of comments claiming no one would have pain that they were too afraid to post about their own experience. He cursed himself for being so unlucky. His transition had been going so well. Of course there would be a hiccup. That was just his luck.

Perhaps it was similar to that of period cramps. Perhaps the intense pain would only last a while before it went away. Perhaps he was kidding himself. That he was the only transman to experience that level of discomfort. Perhaps that was just karma for thinking he could be a real man.

Fuck that. If pain was what it took to be a man, he was prepared to endure it, even if it killed him.

The icepack had turned warm and no longer provided relief. He had his eyes closed, head tilted back into the pillow, his fingers tangled tightly into his hair. A hiss passed his clenched teeth as another sharp pain attacked his nerves. As the pain slowly subsided, there was a light rasp on the door.

“Come in,” he groaned. 

The door opened a crack. Castiel poked his head into the room before he stepped inside. A worried look was prominent on his face as he closed the door and moved closer to the bed. 

“(Y/N), are you alright? Sam and Dean told me you’ve been in here for quite some time.” He asked, taking a seat next to him.

(Y/N) inhaled sharply as the dip of the bed caused discomfort to shoot between his legs. Castiel glanced between (Y/N)’s legs and his eyes.

“No, I’m not okay,” (Y/N) whined. “I started bottom growth and it hurts like Hell. I’m tired and hungry, but the aches are so bad that I don’t want to get up or go to sleep. I just want it all to pass,” 

Tears brimmed in the corners of his eyes as he ran his hand down his face. Castiel’s feeling of worry only intensified as he saw how (Y/N) had been affected. He shifted in his spot.

“(Y/N), I don’t like seeing you like this. Let me heal you,” he pleaded with him as he reached his index and middle finger towards his forehead.

(Y/N)’s eyes grew wide and he snatched Castiel’s wrist before he could be touched.

“Don’t you dare,” he growled, eyes narrowed and words dripped in venom.

Castiel raised his brows, taken aback by the tone of voice that was used. It was the first time (Y/N) had ever spoken to him like that.

“(Y/N), please, I can see how much you’re hurting. Let me take care of you.”

“No! Because I don’t know what your stupid angel juice will do to me. I’ve worked so hard to get where I’m at,” his voice was strained, broken.

“I just want you to be happy again.”

“I am happy!” (Y/N)’s loud voice echoed off the walls of the room as he sat up quickly.

He instantly regretted his movement when a painful shockwave struck his nerves. He clenched his jaw, cupped his crotch, and laid on his side, his back to Castiel. Castiel reached over to comfort him, but his hand was roughly shoved away. (Y/N) paid no mind to the expression of hurt Castiel had.

“I fought with myself my entire life to figure out who I am, and I fought even harder to get to where I am right now. If being in pain will turn me into the man I want to be, then so be it. Your father already made one mistake by putting me in the wrong body. I’m not going to sit here and let you reverse the progress I’ve made to finally fix his fuck-up.”

“(Y/N)-”

“No! I don’t want to hear it. Now get out.”

Castiel froze, surprised by the demand. It had been a while since he saw (Y/N) so angry, and the last time wasn’t even directed toward him. He never raised his voice at Castiel. Sure, they had their spats here and there, as most couples do, but they never shouted at one another. They knew how to talk about their problems, work through them, and discuss the way that they felt, something a decent amount of relationships lack. This was a whole new experience for Castiel.

He hated it.

At first, he contemplated talking to (Y/N) again. Try to convince him to take his offer to heal him. He hated seeing his partner in such a painful state, the same as at the end of any hunt. Castiel’s first instinct would be to heal him. To make the pain go away. To be able to see the smile he adored so much, which was hidden by the layers of agony he was experiencing. Alas, in the end, he decided against it. Instead, he opted to follow (Y/N)’s wants. He stood slowly, and quietly, from his spot on the bed and walked over to the door. His eyes never left (Y/N), his mind performing one last battle with itself, the urge to speak overwhelming. He held the desire back as he opened the door and left the room.

*~*

The library was quiet. Sam and Dean sat on either side of one of the tables, Sam with a pile of books laid out in front of him and Dean with his laptop and a small bowl of snacks. The occasional sound of pages being turned and the mouse pad click filled the room. Aside from the occasional small talk, they said nothing. Castiel entered the room, and their attention turned to him.

“Hey Cas,” Dean greeted.

“Hey Cas, how is he?” Sam followed up.

Castiel walked over to the table and sat down to the left of Dean. A sigh escaped his lips as he slouched in the seat, his folded hands resting on his stomach. He had a visibly defeated look on his face as he took some time to answer Sam’s question.

“He is in a lot of pain. I attempted to heal him, but he wouldn’t let me. He got upset with me and kicked me out of the room. I’ve never seen him so angry before.” Castiel shook his head.

Sam and Dean stared at him for quite some time.

“You tried to heal him?” Dean asked.

“Yes,” Castiel confirmed. “He is in a lot of pain. I am certain I can make it go away.”

“Cas, he doesn’t want to be healed,” Sam said.

“I realize that, Sam.”

“No, I don’t think you do. I can tell you’re still upset about the whole thing. What (Y/N) is going through right now is a normal part of the transition. Granted, he has it a Hell of a lot worse than most, but, that’s why we called you. We thought you would be able to come over and comfort him.”

“I thought healing him would be comforting. It was supposed to make him feel better. To get him back to normal.”

“See? ‘Back to normal’. Don’t you see how that can be misconstrued?”

Castiel looked at him curiously. “I do not.”

“Well, what you see as something to be healed, (Y/N) doesn’t. He’s very proud of the pain he’s in. He views it as an accomplishment. To heal him and take that pain away, it would be as if you’re stripping him of that achievement.”

“Sam’s right,” Dean chimed in. “When he first noticed the bottom growth, he came to us saying, ‘Guys! Guys! I have a dick now!’.” Dean mocked with a smile, causing Sam and Castiel to grin as well. “And then, when the pain started, and we began to get worried, he would say, ‘It hurts like Hell, but I still have a dick’. He was still happy about it, even though it hurt.”

Castiel nodded, considering their words. “I see,” he trailed. “I know that this was a big deal for (Y/N), but I didn’t comprehend why he was willing to go through the pain. I understand, now, that it’s because he’s finally happy with himself and the progress he has made. The way I worded my concern for his wellbeing made it appear as if I wanted to reverse the work he has done.”

“Exactly!” Sam nodded.

“I would never want that, though. (Y/N) appears to be in the best mindset I have ever seen him in, and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize that. I would never reverse the progress, even if I could.”

“We understand that. We know how much you love him-”

“Yeah, it’s kind of gross,” Dean mumbled.

Sam sighed. “As I was saying, we know how much you love him, and we recognize you would never say or do anything to threaten that progress, but when someone is in a lot of pain, they don’t always think clearly. Take Dean for example. When I have to stitch him up after a hunt, he says some pretty mean shit to me, but he never means it.”

“At least that’s what I let him think,” Dean whispered to Castiel just loud enough for Sam to hear.

Sam ran his fingers through his hair. “Dean, you’re not helping.”

“Sorry,” Dean cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair.

“(Y/N) is still head-over-heels in love with you.” Sam turned back to Castiel. “Pain can just make us say some stupid stuff. It would probably be best to give each other some space right now, think about what we discussed, and talk to one another tomorrow.”

“I think that is a good idea,” Castiel said as he stood from the table and brushed off his trenchcoat. “Will you keep me informed on how he is throughout the day?”

“Of course, man, yeah,” Sam smiled up at him, which Castiel was quick to return.

“Thank you. I will be on my way, then.”

“Where are you going?”

“To retrieve some of (Y/N)’s favorite treats to give to him. I’m hoping that might make him feel better.”

Sam’s smile widened. “That’s a good idea.”

*~*

It took (Y/N) over two hours to be able to fall asleep. The pain hadn’t been constant, but with how exhausted he was and the tears burning in the corner of his eyes, all he could do was lay there and think. He couldn’t believe the audacity that Castiel had to ask if he wanted to be healed. Scratch that. Castiel hadn’t even asked if he wanted it. He had simply told (Y/N) that he was going to heal him. He didn’t need that, though. He didn’t need to be fixed. (Y/N) was perfect the way he was, even if some things still needed to be tweaked. Nothing about him was broken. Therefore, nothing needed to be fixed.

Perhaps he was overthinking Castiel’s intentions. Truly, he never meant what (Y/N) interpreted it as, right? Castiel loved (Y/N), even though his physical attributes were changing, right? Of course, he did, otherwise, he wouldn’t have practically begged to heal him. Right?

With the image of Castiel’s pain-filled eyes in his mind, he couldn’t help but feel a tinge of guilt swell in his stomach. 

He had never snapped at Castiel before. He didn’t think Castiel deserved it. Especially now. All he had tried to do was make him feel better - in Castiel’s own way - and (Y/N) took the anger he had for the pain out on him. How could he do that to him? The shame was eating him up inside. There wasn’t much he could do, though. The aches and pains made any desire to move or speak vanish. He knew he had to apologize, to make things right, but it would have to wait until he felt better. 

Eventually, after another round of pain, (Y/N) could feel the exhaustion wash over him. His eyelids slid shut, and it didn’t take long for slumber to come.

*~*

The pain was more bearable when he awoke. It was more of a dull throb rather than needle-like stabbing. He was able to move around with mild discomfort. Even though he was more mobile, the exhaustion from the day before was still very much present, despite the hours of sleep he had gotten. The desire to crawl into his bed once more was intense. Thankfully, the lack of a hunt made that possible. So, as soon as he awoke, he got up, grabbed himself a water bottle, painkillers, and snacks, and retreated to his room.

While the pain had subsided substantially, his thoughts were clearer than before. He was able to think back to the spat he had with Castiel in greater detail and understanding. With a mind free of any pain-influenced thoughts, he felt even more guilty than he had before he slept. The hurt he had seen in Castiel’s eyes was practically burned into his soul. The only other time Castiel had looked at him with those eyes was when he was on the brink of death after a hunt gone wrong. He never wanted to be the cause for that look. He shouldn’t have snapped. Not at Castiel. Never at Castiel.

As he lay in bed, he pulled out his phone, brought up Castiel’s contact, and texted him.

Hey, babe. Could you come to our room when you get the chance, please?

He placed the phone onto his lap and began to nibble on the nail of his thumb. He couldn’t think of anything else. Nothing could shift his attention away from the problem at hand. Even if he tried to occupy himself with mindless scrolling or one of his hobbies, he didn’t think he would be able to concentrate on anything else. The whole disaster could have been avoided had (Y/N) thought about Castiel’s intentions rather than his insecurities. That was one of the character flaws he had to work on.

It wasn’t long before three soft knocks echoed against the wooden door, and (Y/N)’s head whipped up.

“Come in,” he said.

Just like before, the door opened a crack and Castiel poked his head inside before entering the room. Instead of the worried look he had before, it was replaced by intense nerves. Not only that, but, in his hands, Castiel held a small, decorative box, some items poking out of the top. The box was the least of (Y/N)’s worries.

“Good morning,” Castiel greeted, almost cautiously. “How are you feeling today?”

“A bit better. A little achy, but nothing like it was yesterday.”

“I’m glad.”

They sat in silence. (Y/N) still laid back on the bed while Castiel stood a couple of feet from him. The guilt only intensified. To think that Castiel was nervous to get closer to him because of his outburst broke his heart. Rightfully so. He patted the spot next to him on the bed. Castiel took the silent invitation and moved over to him. As he got closer, (Y/N)’s attention shifted to the box.

“What’s in there?” He asked quietly.

Castiel looked down at the box and then back at him. “It’s some of your favorite snacks,” he said and held out the box to him. “I figured it would make you feel better.”

Carefully, (Y/N) took the box from him and examined the contents. Inside were, indeed, some of his favorite snacks and candies. The guilt was killing him. He gave a small smile and set the box to the side.

“Thank you.”

“Of course,” Castiel gingerly sat beside him on the bed, careful of the way it shifted under his weight. “(Y/N), I wanted to apologize-”

“No, Cas,” (Y/N) interrupted. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, okay? I should be the one to apologize for what happened.”

(Y/N) turned his body in the bed, his face contorting slightly to a look of discomfort from the ache and settled for laying on his side so he could face Castiel.

“I should have never yelled at you like that. I should have never yelled at you at all. You were only trying to help. I realize that now, and I’m so sorry for the way I treated you.”

Castiel nodded. “Sam informed me that my intentions might have been misconstrued because of the pain.”

“They were at the time. The pain clouded my judgment and, in a sense, it made me assume you wanted to get rid of my bottom growth altogether. I know that’s impossible, and I don’t know what could have made me think otherwise. If you were capable of changing me to that extent, I would have asked you months ago to use your grace on me instead of taking hormones,” he let out a dry chuckle. “But, Cas, I hope you know that my being in pain doesn’t give me a reason to talk to you the way that I did.”

“I understand,” He replied, gaze cast down.

“Hey, look at me,” (Y/N) reached over and, using his index and middle fingers, turned Castiel’s head so that their eyes were connected. “You don’t deserve to be talked to like that, especially by me. I was a terrible boyfriend at that moment.”

“No, you weren’t,” Castiel shook his head as he grasped both of (Y/N)’s hands in his. “I’ve had time to reflect, and, if I’ve learned anything from my time on Earth, it’s that people make mistakes. It’s okay to make those mistakes as long as you take accountability for them. I took accountability for my mistake, and you took accountability for yours.”

“You’re right, accountability is very important, and people do make mistakes, but those mistakes shouldn’t hurt the ones we love. I love you, Castiel, more than you’ll ever truly know. You’ve stood by my side through every second of my transition and have continued to show your undying love and support for me, even when I’m a dick to you. You even got me a damn basket of my favorite snacks, even after what I did,” Tears streaked down his cheeks, and his voice began to quiver as he spoke. “You are so kind and caring and compassionate, and I don’t deserve you.”

“Stop,” Castiel reached a hand up and used his thumb to brush the tears away from his cheeks. “(Y/N), I love you, too. More than I ever thought possible. You deserve everything, and I wish I could give it to you. It hurt me so much to see you in pain, that I didn’t even consider your feelings. That was selfish of me, but, I know, from now on, I will consider what you want before I consider anything else.”

(Y/N) sniffled. “Oh, Cas, you’re not selfish. You are the most selfless person I have ever met. The fact that you care so much about me is one of the reasons why I fell in love with you in the first place. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I just need to learn to keep my damn mouth shut when you’re trying to be nice,” he chuckled and leaned his forehead against Castiel’s. “Can you forgive me?”

Castiel opened his mouth to protest, to say that (Y/N) didn’t need to be forgiven, but he took a page out of his newly found book of social knowledge and gave him a small smile. “Yes, I forgive you. Do you forgive me?”

(Y/N) attempted to do the same, to say that Castiel had done nothing wrong, to repeat the same line he had just preached. But he just copied the smile and gave a faint nod. “I forgive you.” He whispered as he leaned over and kissed him sweetly.

The kiss lasted a couple of seconds before they pulled away, enjoying their sweet embrace. (Y/N) shifted on the bed to get more comfortable and, again, winced when the ache returned. Castiel took notice, his eyes roaming (Y/N)’s body.

“Are you alright? Would you like me to get you anything?” He asked.

(Y/N) shook his head. “No, babe, thank you. Maybe we could just lie in bed together for a bit while I snack on the treats you got me?”

Castiel smiled. “That sounds like a great idea.”

The two of them adjusted themselves in the bed so Castiel was laid on his back and (Y/N) was laid on his side. His head and hand rested on his chest while Castiel’s arm was wrapped around his shoulders. (Y/N) reached over, grabbed one of the many bags of candy, and sat it between them. They sat in a comfortable silence, wrapped in each other’s embrace, never wanting to let go.

Everyone seeks some type of support and comfort from others. Whether it be family, friends, partners, coworkers, or complete strangers, the strength and stability of the human race depend on the support of others in some way, shape, or form. (Y/N) was lucky enough to be put in a situation where he was surrounded by people who loved and appreciated him for who he was. Despite the trials and tribulations of the past and the ones yet to come, he knew he always had loved ones in his life to fall back on in times of trouble. 

And (Y/N) would cherish that for as long as he lived.

[peonierose]

Bite Me

Book: Immortal Desires

Characters involved: Gabriel Adalhard; Cas Harlow

Words: 1570

TW: anxiety, vampires, blood-drinking

A/N: Happens a bit after book 1 of ID ended.

Gabe

I leaned against a tree in the woods.

It’s late I can tell as the sun won’t be up for hours. Ever since I became a vampire I got more sensitive to the sun. Not just because I was more exhausted but because my internal clock was telling me when the sun rose and when the sun sunk. I became pretty attuned to it. 

I let out a breath, as the crisp autumn air gives me some relief from my hunger pains. 

I haven’t fed in weeks and I refuse to do so. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. Seeing my eyes turn molten silver, and my fangs protruding from my gums. I try to force it away because it always reminds me what I am and what my grandmother Sara almost turned into. I’m glad she’s not here to see me like this. 

What would she think of me? Would she be disgusted? Devastated? I don’t know and I can’t ask her anymore. 

I felt around and let the rough bark of the tree, and the dank moss ground me like nothing else can. Except for Naya. She grounds me pretty well, but I didn’t want to overwhelm her right now. 

”So this is where the golden boy has run off to. Interesting hiding place. Not as lux as I would have pegged you for.“

Of all the people to turn up…why Cas? 

I mean how did he even find me? And why was he even looking for me in the first place? 

”I followed the stench of misery. You should think of showering a bit more, you know?“ Cas said and I didn’t even have a response, to be honest. 

I sighed as my eyes remained closed and I tried to shut out any noise, with vampire hearing that’s almost impossible, but I still wanted to try and block out anything, Cas‘s voice included. I like him on good days and tolerate him on bad days, but right now I just needed five minutes to myself. 

”I’m not hiding. I’m trying to relax, so what do you want?“ I said, too tired to have a confrontation. Whether it’s a verbal or physical one.

I heard some rustling and I opened my eyes, only for Cas to throw me a blood bag which I caught with my left hand. 

”Thought you could use a drink. Since you can’t think for yourself. Others have to do it for you. It’s pathetic but someone’s gotta do it.“ 

I put the blood bag next to me on the ground and didn’t tear into the blood bag immediately.

”You’re welcome, Adalhard.“ Cas says, his expression didn’t give away anything. I always found it hard to read him. 

When I didn‘t say anything for a while Cas rolled his eyes that glowed silver in the dim moonlight. 

”Next time get your own food.“ Before he can walk away I threw back a question I’ve been meaning to ask him ever since showed up.

”Why do you even care? You never liked me. So why are you being all friendly and shit?“ 

He didn’t turn around but turned his head slightly so that I’m seeing him in profile. 

”Because for some reason you’re being stupid and putting us all at risk by not feeding regularly. I think last time when you almost made mincemeat out of Naya gave you enough of a scare didn’t it? So this time around? Do the right thing.“ 

Before I can mouth anything he continued.

”Remember back at the caverns? What Naya said? How she doesn’t want to lose you because your morals got in the way of your health? How she won’t let you be that foolish? Remember that little speech?“ 

I scoffed as Cas’s words. Not wanting to remember that moment, but getting overwhelmed by memories of the past.

”Oh I see this is because you want to keep Naya safe. You don’t need to. I have it under control.“ I balled my fist not wanting to swing out and hit him. 

He now fully turned around. His eyes glinted silver in the moonlight as his fangs were on full display. 

”Oh I can see how under control you have it. Sitting under a tree in the middle of the night feeling sorry for yourself. Wow, good job Adalhard. You deserve a medal for that. Will bronze do? Or do you strive for gold?“ 

I breathed through my nose not wanting to take the bait. He was goading me and he has always been good at pushing my buttons. 

”I guess I owe you thanks. So thank you seriously.“ I say before I return to sitting under the tree. Watching the moonlight cast shadows. 

”You know what? Be a dick if you want. But if you don’t have your blood lust or lack thereof under control, how do you suppose you’re going to help Naya navigate through it, huh?“ 

He was hitting very close to home. And he knew it. 

”What do you want me to say? Oh, I’m sorry I don’t want to drink blood but that’s my life now? Welcome to the party of people who hate being a vampire?“ 

Cas sighed.

”I get that you didn’t choose this life. But try and see it from Naya’s point of view. She’s scared because she has to lie to her mom and her friends about being a vampire. She has to choose a coven. She’s scared of overdoing it with the blood-drinking. How do you think she feels? She knows your adversity to blood and she still chose you. Sometimes I wonder…“ He doesn’t finish his sentence. 

”Oh so that’s how it is. You’re trying to kick me out of the way so she trusts only you and your ways. Maybe even choosing the Venandis. Was this your plan all along?“

And then I went in for the kill.

”Sounds to me like you’re still in love with her.“ 

Cas kicked a stone out of the way and stared me down. 

”Of course I love her. But she chose you and I have to respect that. It’s a crappy choice but it was hers to make. But I’ll be damned if I won’t help her out as a friend, because clearly you don’t have yourself under control.“

I chuckled against all odds. 

”Oh I’m happy to amuse you Adalhard. Glad I could be of service.“

I looked up at Cas and for a flicker of a moment I saw a raw vulnerability in Cas’s silver gaze but when I blinked it was gone. As if it was never there. And as much as I hate to admit it, he’s right. I am putting everyone at risk by not feeding regularly. 

”You’re right. I’m sorry. I just…it’s hard for me. I sometimes wish I was a normal human being. But I guess I have to live with what I’ve got now and make the best of it.“ This conversation has gotten way deeper than I anticipated.

”Please leave that sappy stuff for Naya. I don’t get paid enough to listen to it.“

”You don’t get paid at all.“ I countered.

He grinned and his fangs glistened. 

”Exactly.“ 

I looked up to the stars and pondered what Cas just said mere seconds ago. About Naya and her transformation. 

But before I can help Naya with her feedings, I need to get my house in order first before I can even attempt to help her. I’m glad Cas is here, as much as he’s a pain in my ass, but he’s here when he could turn a blind eye to my problems, he still decided to reach out and help me, and I have to respect that. I guess he’s alright. For a Venandi. 

As complicated as his feelings might be for Naya, he put his pride aside and brought me a blood bag to help me. And that takes a lot of guts.

A small smile curved around my lips.

”You’re alright Harlow.“ I said as I drained the blood bag within seconds. Feeling grateful he’s here. 

He physically shuddered. 

”Not so loud. I have a reputation to uphold.“ 

”It’s just you, me, and the wild animals in the woods right now. But the animals might hear you speak negatively about them and declare you enemy number one.“ 

I grinned and my fangs glistened. After I’ve inhaled the blood bag my fangs retracted and my eyes returned to their normal shade of maroon brown.

”Pfft. I’m not scared of some small animal.“ 

”What about Snow? I heard Snow is the boss around your place.“ I’m referring to Cas‘ cat, whose name is Snow. 

”Where did you hear about that? Nobody knows about my cat. How in three hells did you hear about it? And who else knows?“ He asked, his voice dipped lower. 

”I have my ways.“ I said vaguely and continue ”I might’ve told Naya about it.“ I grinned. 

Cas rubbed a hand over his face and groaned.

”Don’t repeat this to anyone and I won’t share how you need a nightlight on at all times.“ 

Now I’m speechless. 

”How…?“

Now it’s Cas‘s turn to grin.

”I have my ways.“ He repeated my words and we both shared a small smile and just let the night air and sounds of the forest surround us. 

Having Cas as company feels good. It just feels good to have a friend. Someone who understands you. Someone who won’t judge you, who will just sit in compatible silence and enjoy the time we have and maybe even become close friends. 

[jenanigans1207]

“With Cas,” Sam presses on, but his voice has gone gentle, like he knows that he’s dangerously close to cracking every facade Dean has worked so hard to maintain for so many years. “You don’t have to do anything different. You don’t have to give anything up, you don’t have to change anything about yourself. He’s already seen what an asshole you are before coffee, and how goddamn messy you leave the bathroom,” That earns a surprised laugh out of Dean and he’s finally able to look up again. “Hell, Dean, the dude’s seen your literal soul. If he knows you that well and he’s stupid enough to stay by your side the way he has, that’s meant to be.”

Dean clears his throat, but it doesn’t do anything to make the lump that’s formed there go away. “Yeah, he’s pretty great.”

“He is.” Sam agrees. He pauses for a second, like he’s contemplating whether or not to say one more thing. Dean can see it in his gaze, the exact moment he decides to go for the kill. “And I can trust him to take care of you, you know? He’d do anything to protect you and keep you safe. He gave up the entire Heavenly Host for you, Dean.”

“For us,” Dean tries to correct, because if he doesn’t , he might actually lose the ability to speak completely.

“For you.” Sam corrects back. “I’m just part of your packaged deal. But if I hadn’t been here and it had been just you, he still would’ve done it.”

It’s not often that Dean allows himself to think of what Cas gave up— not because he doesn’t appreciate it or recognize the magnitude of it, but because it makes him feel completely and utterly inadequate. Because Cas gave up literally everything for him and he’s— he’s just some guy. For all that every God, Monster, and Demon seems to love the taste of his name on their tongue, he’s really not anything special. He’s just some guy who was too weak to sustain the never-ending torture of hell and instead gave in to the worst side of himself, turning himself into the kind of monster he would kill if he ever ran across it. He has trust issues, he has anger issues, he has— a whole hell of a lot more than that, to say the least. He’s not a good person, not an honest or honorable person.

He’s not the kind of person an Angel of the Lord should even look twice at, let alone the kind of person an Angel of the Lord should choose.

Cas could’ve had it all— every happiness heaven had to offer. He could’ve stayed in God’s good graces, in the good graces of the other angels. He could’ve had anything he wanted and instead he chose to sit in the backseat of the Impala, to watch over Dean and Sam while they sleep in every shitty motel the country has to offer. He chose to never eat a homecooked meal, to barely even have a place to call home. He chose what Dean would describe as the worst possible life and honestly? He doesn’t seem like he’s ever looked back.

And when Dean examines that too closely, he just feel like absolute shit. Because Cas deserves everything. He deserves every happiness he gave up, every opportunity he turned down. He deserves more than Dean can ever give him. And Dean often feels like a selfish asshole— dragging Sam back into the life because he didn’t want to be alone, selfishly trying to keep people close to him the they were better on their own— but he’s never felt like more of a selfish piece of shit than he does when he realizes that he’s glad Cas chose to stay down here with them— with him.

“Yeah, well,” Dean’s voice is rough, raw. He feels like he’s bleeding somewhere internally. “It wouldn’t be the right choice.”

“Choosing you is always the right choice, Dean.” Cas’ voice sounds from the doorway suddenly and both Dean and Sam whip their heads in that direction when they realize he’s there. “I understand that I have my work cut out for me in terms of making you realize that, but I will never regret choosing you.”

Dean clenches his jaw and looks away at the same time that Sam breaks out into a smile. It’s small, but it’s genuine and grateful, and Dean thinks that maybe he could just sock both of them in the face and this unbearably vulernable moment could finally pass.

“Cas,” Sam says after a second, “I’d say welcome to the family, but you’ve been part of the family for a long time already.”

God, every part of Dean aches. Everything inside of him feels like it’s bending and then snapping completely as Cas walks fully into the room and meets Sam for a hug, as they smile at each other. The two people who mean the most in the entire world to Dean, and they care about each other in a way Dean could only dream that they’d be able to. It’s absolutely unbearable, how happy he is. He’s so fucking happy that it hurts, a deep ache, a brittle and tender feeling. He doesn’t think his bones are strong enough to withstand it and he thinks that soon he may just fall apart completely.

“Your blessing still means a lot, Sam.” Cas is saying with a hand clapped on Sam’s shoulder. Neither of them are directly looking at Dean but he knows that they’re both paying attention to him anyway, their gazes fixed on him out of the corners of their eyes.

“Hey, I had no choice. I was stuck with him from birth. But he’s alright, all things considered.” Sam is joking and Dean thinks that maybe if he just starts screaming, it would do something to dull these emotions. “So if you’re dumb enough to choose him, well, I’m not going to say no to that.”

Cas shakes his head a little as he lets out a huff of a laugh. “I am.” Is all he says.

It’s such a simple answer, but it encompasses so much. It encompasses every fight they’ve had, every betrayal they’ve managed to pave over. It encompasses the taste of bad blood that stained the space between them so many times as much as it encompasses all the times Dean dropped to his knees and prayed— to Cas, to God, to whoever the hell would listen— begging for Cas’ safety, for his return, for the knowledge that he would always be there. It encompasses every time they’ve been the cause of each other’s wounds as much as it encompasses every time they’ve tenderly and carefully dressed the wounds caused by other people.

It’s only two words, but it says multitudes. Dean had done his part in confessing, in prying every last word out of the shadowed corners of his heart, even with the curse had lifted and the ability to lie has returned to him. And Cas had certainly returned the confession, though it seemed to physically pain him much less to do so. And despite that, hearing Cas claim him to Sam like that, openly and easily acknowledging everything they’ve done through with words that are meant to be a promise for the future— well, Dean really thinks he might be at the limit of all he can bear.

“But make sure you take care of him, alright?” Sam adds, more somber. Even though he’d already expressed his knowledge that Cas would, unfailingly. Even though Cad had, over and over again. But there’s something in the brotherly codebook that demands Sam verbalize it anyway. Dean knows because he would’ve done the same thing.

“I mean,” Cas pulls his expression back into something serious, too. One of his angel faces that gives away very little emotion. “Your brother is reckless, and self-sacrificing. He’s stubborn, too, and almost never listens to reason.”

“Alright, alright—“ Dean tries to interject.

But Cas keeps going, the corner of his lip quirked up, giving away his amusement and sarcasm while Sam laughs openly. “He shoots first and sometimes asks questions later, and I honestly am not yet certain if he knows what a vegetable is.” And then Cas turns his eyes to Dean and the other half of his mouth turns up, too, so he’s actually smiling, and his voice is much softer when he adds, “but I promise to try my best.”

Dean meets his gaze like he has so many times in the past, but it’s completely different now. He’s much better at reading and understanding the emotions in Cas’s eyes, in the lines of his expression. But he also doesn’t have to turn away as the warmth blooms on his chest. He’s allowed to feel that now, to embrace it— if he ever figures out how.

“You’ve got good points.” Sam claps Cas on the shoulder, back to full-blown amusement. “I should probably be wishing you good luck with him instead.”

Cas nods solemnly, “I will need it.”

[jimblejamblewritings]

the fake date plot | part 3.

Summary: Gryffindors, seventh years, classmates, unrequited love. Just a few things Y/N and James Potter had in common. When a brilliantly dumb plan is hatched the two end up getting something a little different than what they wanted.

Warnings for the Series: literally none that I can think of this is supposed to be just good fluffy fun

Pairing: James Potter x reader

Word Count: 4.4k

A/N: there is music in this chapter so here's a spotify playlist —> click here

Previous Part | (Series Chapter List)

You waved Alice over to the Gryffindor table when she came down for breakfast. The two of you were always early. After realizing your roommates weren’t morning people, you started to sneak to breakfast and avoid the squeaky dip in the floor right before the door. It was always you and Alice in the mornings for about twenty minutes before even the professors came to eat. Your friend sat down right in front of you. 

“You know my friend, Lucille, right?” she asked as she piled her plate with breakfast pastries. 

“Yeah. The girl with the mullet?” 

“Yes. Great, so she’s telling me that Xeno was staring at you the entire time at the party and complaining about you leaving with James. So now, we just want to know what’s going on between you two?” 

“I was drunk off my rocker. All he did was help me, James and I are just friends.” 

That word felt oddly right in your mouth. You and James were acting but a real friendship seemed to be forming. Since you both were going to come clean to Xeno and Lily once reaching your goals, you’d be happy to be real friends when the whole situation was over. 

Although keeping up appearances without someone else to know the secret was kind of draining. You wanted to tell Alice. You thought so as you and your friend walked to class. Maybe just maybe you could tell Alice.

Of course, you’d have to talk about it with James first. He’d probably want to tell the marauders. And you couldn’t tell Dorcas by any means. Because Dorcas talked a lot and she would tell Lily by complete accident and ruin the plan. You bent down to get your books out of your leather school bag and prepare for Charms. 

“Hey, so I’m thinking we go to Hogsmeade this weekend like the whole group. Of course, I’ll have to see if James isn’t asking Lily out. Although, I’m starting to be friends with the others I think so maybe Peter and Si—” 

You looked up to see Xeno instead of Alice sitting next to you. He gave you a smile that you meekly returned. 

“Is that an invitation for me?” 

You nodded. “Do you like karaoke?” 

You honestly didn’t hear Xeno’s answer. He sat next to you for the rest of the class and you had a hard time focusing. Maybe James’ plan was actually working. This was the longest conversation you ever had with the man next to you. The moment class ended and Xeno and Alice left you for their classes, you ran to the quidditch pitch to try and find James. 

He usually practiced or went over plays in his free time before lunch. You guys had given each other your school schedules on the first day so you could speak with each other privately or meet at different classrooms. James was right where you expected him, polishing his broom and cleaning the end of it. He grunted in surprise when you launched yourself at him, arms around his neck. 

“Xeno wants to go to karaoke, we have to move the date up to this weekend!” 

James left as he moved you off him. “Did you tell him we were going on a group date this weekend?” 

“Well, I thought I was talking to Alice but I turned around and it was him and I panicked.” 

“Okay, we’ll make it this weekend. You know, I’m glad this plan is working for one of us.” 

“Has Lily still not budged?” 

He shook his head. You tried to comfort James but it didn’t work. He put up the polish and held out a hand to help you off the bench. The two of you started the walk back to the castle. James looked at you multiple times before finally opening his mouth. 

“I know this is shitty of me but can we continue the karaoke plan even if Xeno asks you out? It’s just I’m not getting anywhere and I’m not sure why and Lily doesn’t se—” 

“Prongs.” You tried to shut him up. “Yeah, we can continue. I’m only having luck because of your plan.” 

“Thanks.” 

You linked your arm in his. “Don’t mention it. Come on, we’re totally going to get our people.” 

“Totally.” 

“Skip with me, Jamie.” 

“Of course, my lady.” 

The two of you skipped through the halls until you made it back to Gryffindor, ignoring the stares of the other students. People were bound to talk about it which would only help your case but you found you didn’t care. You wanted to stop thinking of James as just a coworker for the plot and more like a buddy. 

You told James, when the two of you reached the Gryffindor Tower, that you would ask Lily to Hogsmeade instead of him. She was more likely to go with roommates instead of a boy she knows has a crush on her. The moment your roommates found out it was karaoke night at the small pub next to Three Broomsticks, they were down. 

They also insisted on dressing you the moment you mentioned that Xeno was in the group of people going. You pulled down at the tight silk slip dress going barely past your butt that Dorcas had lent you. She swatted your hand before you reached the entrance of the school, insisting you looked great. 

Everyone else met you a few minutes after. Despite this being the start of how you guys were supposed to date, you and James walked with your crushes to Hogsmeade. You were up at the front and he was in the back of the group. You wondered if your friend was having better luck than you. Xeno was complimenting you but you were just unsure how to respond. Maybe you should have gone over flirting with James before the weekend had arrived. 

The group reached the small pub where almost no one else was. Three Broomsticks was way more popular but usually the small pub also had customers. Peter looked in the window of Broomsticks to see a bunch of people gathered around a stage. The Sugar Quills were playing and everyone was listening to them. You all shrugged. Sure, listening to the band would be fun but now you all had the small pub all to yourselves. 

The bartender seemed to be happy to see customers and greeted you all. You took the couch up at the front, overjoyed it was finally free for once. As expected, Sirius was first to the karaoke machine while you all were ordering drinks and food. You were curious what he was going to pick. A lot of muggle songs were covered by wizard bands or just got popular that his pick was the luck of the draw. 

You slapped a hand to your mouth when the first notes of Lady Marmalade started playing. The marauders looked at the rest of you. 

“He’s tone deaf,” Peter explained. “But loves singing.” 

Remus nodded. “Every day in the shower, under his breath, loves duets. Don’t worry, you can laugh. He’s already told us he doesn’t mind the laughter, he actually likes it cause it means you’re paying attention and enjoying the performance. It’s not like he doesn’t know he’s bad but he just thinks he’s not a strong singer.” 

“We haven’t had the heart to tell him the truth,” James said before turning to cheer his friend on. 

After their explanation, you all got comfortable and enjoyed Sirius’ performance. It was horrible singing but he looked so happy. He couldn’t dance either. That somehow made it so much more endearing. His arms were just flailing and his knees were shaking. But Sirius could strut like any runway model. He finished the performance with a spin before handing the mic to Mary. 

Between bites of sliders, fries, nachos, and desserts, you enjoyed everyone’s singing. Mary’s I Will Survive made the bartender dance. Lily found the trunk of accessories and costumes for karaoke to perform September which she put on a funny voice for.

She passed the mic to Alice’s other Hufflepuff friend who grabbed the group of Puffs to sing Hotel California on inflatable instruments. Alice stayed on stage to sing Superstition with her inflatable piano. She handed you the mic and your roommates cheered you on as you held up both hands and shuffled your way to the stage. You shuffled through all the songs available which was basically every single one. 

“I’m not a good singer,” you murmured into the mic as you picked a song. “Okay, this one.” 

It was a French song you knew because one of your childhood neighbors was an older French couple who moved to Uk because the wife was working in the Ministry of Magic as a liaison between the UK Ministry and France’s Circle of Magic. It wasn’t a dancing song, making you worried that you wouldn’t be as entertaining as everyone else so far. But Tous les garçons et les filles was a song that you were comfortable with. 

The others swayed on the couches and armchairs as you sang softly. Your smile got bigger when Sirius started singing with you, eyes closed, as he swayed on the couch. Bless him. The beautiful solo turned duet ended with soft claps from your friends before you handed the mic to Xeno. His hand covered yours, fingers rubbing slightly before continuing to the small stage. You didn’t know he was a fan of The Turtles but there he was singing Happy Together.  

“Do you mind if I sing another?” 

“Let’s go!” Sirius shouted, making all of you laugh. 

“Perfect.” Xeno ran a hand through his hair. “Frank, boys. Want to help me out?” 

Everyone ooh’d at the notion of backup singers. People made their own plans to do backup for each other. Frank Longbottom stood at the front of the backup crew, hands on his hips in a sassy pose as if he was born ready for this exact moment.

Xeno faced the back so he could dramatically turn around when it was time to sing Somebody to Love. You felt your cheeks get hot as you blushed from the song. It felt like he was staring right at you for most of the song. Or were you making it all up? He was definitely staring, right?  

The boys left Frank on stage at his request of being the next singer. He took your route of performing a slower song. Dorcas was the first to pull out her wand and let the tip of it light up ever so slightly as Frank continued his performance of Tiny Dancer. You, Mary, and Lily squealed when he approached Alice and held her hand. Frank had always been an unnoticed sweetheart that you guys couldn’t help but melt at his gesture. He ended the song and gave it back to Alice. 

She grabbed Mary and forced her onstage to do a duet of Ain’t No Mountain High. They swapped out Alice and added Marlene and Lily to perform Proud Mary. The girls forced all of you off the couch to dance which you did.

You shimmied shoulders with James before turning to Xeno and dancing with him a little. The song ended and James was up next. He looked Lily in the eye as he took the mic that was in her hands even though Marle was closer. She looked away quickly, almost nervous. 

James picked Build Me Up Buttercup. His singing voice was deeper than you thought it would be. You smiled as you watched him direct his attention to Lily who seemed to be enjoying it but wasn’t making any moves. James sat next to her and gave the mic to Xeno’s friends. He wasn’t listening too hard as they sang I Want You Back or when Dorcas sang L-O-V-E or when Peter sang I’m a Believer. However, Lily didn’t move much closer to him but she did give him a smile. 

You all laughed when Marlene picked I’m Coming Out. Sirius informed you she sings that at every opportunity despite coming out every other week since fourth year. She gave the stage to Remus who was the only person that hadn’t performed since y’all been there. The songs were coming to an end and you all would probably leave after thirty minutes or so of talking. Your mouth dropped open when Remus opened his mouth to sing It’s Not Unusual. 

Sirius nodded as he leaned over. “Voice of an angel that one.” 

“No kidding.” 

You shivered, rubbing up and down your arms after Xeno took a short run to the bathroom. James moved over when he spotted you out of the corner of his eyes. You looked away from Remus’ stellar performance for a moment to see a sweater underneath your nose. James was now in a t-shirt. 

“You seemed uncomfortable too,” he whispered. 

“The girls picked this outfit. It’s cute but I don’t think I’m drunk enough to wear it.” 

He laughed. “That the only reason you accepted my outfit?” 

“I took four shots before you even arrived at our dorm.” 

“Four shots? No wonder you were blackout by the end of the night.” 

You were about to say something else but the two of you were interrupted by Remus calling the boys on stage. James left the couch while you put on his jumper. You never thought you would see the day that the marauders plated Y.M.C.A.

How many times had they sung the song? Because they had a whole routine that didn’t seem to be made up on the spot. No one was looking at one person to follow the moves they were doing. This was an entire production. James tapped his head three times and you knew it was the signal. 

Nervous was an understatement as you approached the stage when the marauders finished their song. Remus winked at you and you would have thought he knew what you and James were doing but that was impossible. It was time for the acting performance of your life. James and you had to look in love to everyone else but simultaneously oblivious to each other. Easier said than done. 

Naturally, you picked Crocodile Rock. Not quite the romantic duet but it was one of your favorite songs and the most comfortable for acting. You and James spun around, held hands, danced like you were in your own world.

When Alice choked on her drink after James dipped you, you thought you might actually convince them. James didn’t linger on stage, giving the mic to Peter the moment the song ended. Peter, in a bit  of shock, called Dorcas and Mary up with him. The three of you laughed when he picked Play That Funky Music — a perfect way to end karaoke. 

Everyone talked a little after before the whole group left the pub to head back to the castle. Being a seventh year was great, there was basically no curfew as long as you had your id on you to check back in with whoever was at the front.

Everyone had kind of defaulted back to walking with their friend group, except you and James who were now at the very front of the pack. You stumbled a little at the end of the Hogsmeade oath. James held your elbow to stop you from face planting completely. 

“You and platforms are clearly not friends.” 

“Shut up.” You made it only two steps before tripping again over a branch. “I’m sorry, help me please.” 

James laughed as he took off his shoes. You raised your eyebrows as he told you to take your shoes off. James switched with you, charming the platforms so they would fit properly on his feet. 

“Can you even wa…” 

He had no problems making it back to the castle. He didn’t even have problems making it up the stairs. You didn’t follow the rest of the Gryffindors, making sure Alice got back to Hufflepuff then the Ravenclaws made it to their tower. You paused outside of Ravenclaw common room when Xeno stopped. He turned to face you. 

“Tonight was a lot of fun. You should hang out with us a lot more.” 

“You were a great singer.” 

“Thank you,” Xeno said with a smile. “You were good too, I’m not lying.” 

You looked away from him for a moment before meeting his eyes again. “Well, thank you. Bye.” 

“Wait, wait a minute. I’m not letting you walk to Gryffindor alone.” 

A smile crept onto your face as he walked with you. The two of you were right in step with each other up until you reached the entrance of your House. Xeno grabbed your hand. 

“You looked really nice tonight… Hey, at the party, that was your first time drinking, right?” 

“Was it that obvious?” 

“You did kind of shout it to the world.” 

“No, I was talking to James about it.” 

“You were shouting it over the music. So was that your only first?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“You’ve shagged before? Or snogged maybe?” 

“No,” you whispered. 

“Oh.” 

“Oh?” 

“Nothing. I’ll see you around, yeah?” 

Xeno tapped your shoulder and gave you a side hug before leaving for his dorm. You felt tears start to well up. Before you knew it, the tears were streaming down your face as you stepped inside. You ran up to your dorm where almost everyone in the Gryffindor group was hanging out and playing cards. Trying to hide your face you went to your wardrobe to find some pajamas and your toiletry bag. You turned back around with a bundle of clothes in your hands, hiding half of your face. 

“What does it mean when someone says oh because the person they’re talking to hasn’t even kissed someone before?” 

Sirius shrugged, not looking up but shuffling the cards. “If they’re saying oh then they probably think the person is a loser virgin. Don’t get why that matters though… What? I don’t care if they’re a virgin or no—” 

Sirius looked up when Peter shoved him with an elbow and pointed at you. The other boy stuttered through trying to cover up what he said, not realizing you were asking because you were said person. The tears were coming down a bit harder. 

“Where’s James?” 

“Our room,” Peter said. 

Thanks barely left your throat as you left the room. You practically ran to the boys’ dorm, knocking on it softly. Groaning could be heard from the other side. James shuffled his slipper covered feet, opening the door with a bit of annoyance. You looked up at his half closed eyes. 

“I’m sorry, were you sleeping?” 

James opened his eyes when your voice sounded different. “Oh, Y/N, what happened?” 

You shook your head. “Can I just stay here for tonight?” 

James moved aside so you could come in. He had been asleep but was glad you came in because he was still in clothes from karaoke night and needed to change and properly get ready for bed. The two of you went into the bathroom. James tried to make you laugh as you both brushed your teeth, looking at each other through the mirror. He was succeeding a little bit. 

You both decided to just clean yourself up without making the other leave the bathroom. Besides, you wanted to vent with each other. James got into the shower, stripping from behind the curtain and throwing his clothes into a pile a little bit away. You got into the bathtub filled with bubble bath taken from James’ prime selection of bathing tools.

It was apple scented and clearly one of his favorites based on how empty it was. The bubbles covered all your important bits. James made the curtain levitate so it would cover his bottom half but opened the shower more so he didn’t have to shout for a conversation. 

“She gave me a side hug. A side hug! Girls don’t even give their friends side hugs, what does that mean? We are friends or supposed to be,” James said as he ran a washcloth over his body. 

“Was she weirded out when she hugged you?” 

“No.” 

“Then maybe she’s confused? We talk a lot in our dorms. I think she likes you but is concerned about how it makes her look.” 

“Huh?” 

“Well she’s spent a long time building up the perfect Head Girl image and no time for men especially you James. You are the definition of himbo jock that gets the nerdy perfect girl. It’s so cliché when you think about it.

"Next thing you know, you guys will get married at nineteen, have three kids too young and then she’ll resent you for the rest of her life and you will divorce and marry some barely legal Gryffindor to relive your glory days like the pathetic man you’d become and she’d get revenge by marrying your best-friend turned brother you turned out to be a better man than you ever were. It’s a typical fiction story whether book or movie, especially in the muggle world.” 

James laughed. “Thank you for that, bug.” 

You audibly shrugged. “We just have to show her that you’re more than a himbo jock who only cares about sports and banging the one girl he can’t have.” 

“Sounds good… and what about you?” 

“What about me? Sirius made it clear that Xeno thinks I’m some loser virgin. What do I do about that?” you asked as you finished washing up. 

“Sex isn’t the most important thing in a relationship and Xeno needs to realize that. He seems to be into your looks, that’s not the only thing. What if you guys get married then what?” 

“Are you insinuating I’m going to be an ugly sixty year old?” 

“I’m just saying sometimes looks fade. Xeno needs to see that dating is better than a one night stand or even a friend with benefits.” 

“Thanks. I guess we’re gonna start dating now?” 

“Phase two starts next Wednesday,” James confirmed. 

“How are we doing it?” 

You swore you could hear him thinking from where you were. 

“Do you mind getting drunk again?” 

“I was planning on living hangover free for the rest of my life.” 

“Can you fake it?” 

“How good of an actress do you think I am?” 

“I got it!” James clapped his hands. “Small party in our dorm, tell your roommates that they’re invited.” 

“I’m trusting you James… Okay, I’m getting out of the tub now.” 

“Eyes are closed.” 

You looked over to see he was so serious about not looking. You slipped into your pajamas, a set of shorts and a short sleeved shirt with a bunch of teddy bears on them. You hopped up on the counter to do your skincare, telling James you were dressed and he could look again. 

“Love the bears.” 

“Are you being sarcastic?” you asked as you applied toner. 

“No,” he scoffed. “Maybe I just like bears. Can you throw me my briefs?” 

“These?” 

“You don’t have to hold them like they’re soaked in basilisk venom.” 

“It’s your panties,” you said with a toss. 

“Um, ladies wear panties. These are briefs.” 

“You know in some countries they’re all panties.” 

James left the shower to put on the rest of his clothes. He stood behind you as you stayed sitting on the counter. You lifted your leg a little so he could grab his pants. You looked at him through the mirror and smiled. 

“Your curls are so pretty.” 

“Thank you. Everyone else in my family has bone straight hair but I finally started learning to take care of it. You have a lot of skin care… What?” James asked when you whipped around. 

“James Potter. This is just seven steps.” 

“SEVEN?” 

You sat on your knees and pulled your products closer to you. “Here. I’ll show you.” 

James was happy to hear he got six steps instead of seven because he had already washed his face with a cleanser. Technically with soap but you didn’t want to think about that. James listened intently as you went through the steps of toner, green tea and aloe serum, eye cream, moisturizer, and a light oil. You were positive everything was going in one ear and out the other but at least he stood still when you wiped the cotton pad of toner over his face. 

The two of you heard commotion in the dorm room. One set of footsteps followed by more sound. Remus’ voice was very loud as he asked if James was down in the common room. You pulled away for a moment so he could shout to his friends that he was in the bathroom and they could come in before returning to the aloe vera serum you were spreading on his face. 

Peter opened the door. His eyes went wide as he squeaked and then closed the door quickly. Sirius and Remus, who were looking for pajamas after using the cleaning spell on themselves because they just couldn’t be bothered to take a proper shower, looked over at him. Sirius took off his shirt, his question coming out muffled. 

“What’s the problem, Wormy?” 

Peter moved away from the door. “Y/N’s in there and Prongs is shirtless.” 

The other two boys went wide-eyed. At first they didn’t believe him but they heard James laugh from the bathroom and you yell at him to give something back before he ruins it with his grubby fingers. When the bathroom door opened, the other marauders tried to look as nonchalant as possible in their beds.

James was no longer shirtless but in a white henley but you did come out of the bathroom with him. Instead of leaving, you made him move over so you could share his bed. The room was extra quiet as the boys tried to eavesdrop. 

“Can we not bother with the pillow barrier?” you asked James. “I’m still kind of upset.” 

James opened his arms. “Come here.” 

The other three marauders heard nothing else. You and James had wanted to go to sleep after the eventful night. Besides, there was lots to plan when it was a more respectable time of the day. 

(part 4)

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[lovesbiggerthanpride]

meet me here and kiss me | Frankie Morales x f!reader

Summary: A spontaneous decision to celebrate the New Year turns into something more.

Warnings and notes: just fluff and cute shit, mentions of alcohol / consumption, parties, there are outfit details, and reader is shorter than Frankie, but no other physical descriptions. Both are awkward, but adorable.

AO3

Happy New Year! Sending lots of love to you for 2024.

———-

The combination of music blasting from the speakers and the chorus of excitable voices flowing was decent background noise. You’re sitting at a hightop at the town’s bar, a favorite among the locals. You weren’t planning to venture out on this New Year’s Eve, but it became less appealing to be bored in the apartment with even louder music and noise upstairs and downstairs forcing you to go somewhere else.

The party was open to all, with a casual dress code. So you threw on a sweater, jeans, and comfy boots, drove six minutes, and found a place to sit after greeting familiar faces.

“Okay, everyone! If you’re ready to dance, come on down! Forty-five minutes until midnight,” the host turned impromptu deejay announced.

You surveyed the establishment, deciding if you wanted to follow the crowd. Taking a long sip of your beverage, you continued to mull it over.

“Hey!”

It was Frankie Morales, the incredibly sweet and adorably shy fellow you kept running into at the coffee shop you frequented. Always nice to talk to, but never could tell if he wanted to talk more, or was interested in you. You didn’t want to seem too eager, but you were interested in this tall, broad, former military man.

You greeted him. “Hi, Frankie, how are you?”

“Great! I didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“Yeah,” you replied sheepishly. “It was getting too wild at the apartment complex, so I came.”

“That’s awesome.” Frankie answered with enthusiasm. His eyes darted from your gaze as he ran his fingers through his curly hair, quickly putting his signature baseball cap back on his head.

“What brings you here?”

“Umm, it was recommended to me by the guys. I’ve never gone to a New Year’s party since moving here, and they think I should get out more.”

The guys were his best friends, Benny and Santiago. They knew he needed to do something outside of work.

“You got some good friends! So glad we got this place. Such a chill environment.”

Chuckling, Frankie pointed to his ensemble — a flannel, t-shirt, and jeans. “Shit, I’d stay home if I had to wear something fancy.”

“You look great,” you reassured.

“Oh, thanks, so do you!”

He was very kind. As you thanked him, attempting to keep your composure, Frankie cleared this throat.

“Yeah. I’m gonna see what the dance floor is giving…”

“Well, if you get bored, I’ll be right here.”

With an understanding nod, he sauntered to find the guys, and you smiled to yourself, as he talked with a few other people. Then you frowned, because he definitely was inviting you over, and you most likely shot him down.

“Ugh.”

You started to hydrate, trying not to overthink. Quietly, Frankie returned to you, leaning on the table.

“Hi again.”

“Having fun?”

Frankie gave you a smile. “Yeah, I think so. Might be better if you joined us over there.”

His chocolate eyes were sparkling. You’ve never seen him look this happy.

“Us?”

“Well,” he shrugged, “more like me.”

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m not the best dancer.”

“You’re in luck,” he offered his hand, “I’m not either.”

How could you resist another invitation from the cutest guy in the place? You took his hand and moved towards a less crowded space.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said.

Looking up at him, you agreed.

As the next selection began, the two of you shouted in tandem. “This is my song!”

You couldn’t help but let the music loosen you up. As you danced, you sang to Frankie, while he spun around, bounced, and sang back to you, hand gestures and all.

“Five minutes, y’all! We have champagne, beer, water, sodas at the bar, so grab your beverage of choice so we can toast in the New Year.”

You took a deep breath as the music faded. That was a lot of fun, being carefree around strangers and friends. Adrenaline running through you; the added electricity from Frankie’s hand, casually resting on the small of your back.

“What are you having?”

“I’ll have champagne. Thanks.”

As Frankie walked away, you knew you needed to get his number or something. You were having a good time and after tonight, another missed opportunity would be unacceptable.

“Thank you,” you took the flute and placed it on the table. “Frankie?”

“Yeah?”

With a deep breath, you chose to go for it.

“Hope this is okay, but I—“

Frankie interrupted, touching your hand. “Can I get your number? I really like you and I want to hang out. Like, on a date. If you’re okay with that.”

“I—“

His cheeks reddened. “Damn, was that too forward? I didn’t know if you were interested. But tonight was perfect.”

“Very,” you blurted out, then softly smacked your hand on your forehead. “Obvious now?”

He laughed. You watched the sweet lines form around his eyes as they closed.

“Loud and clear.”

“Okay! Here we go!”

You could hear the party attendees talk and cheer as everyone prepared to count down.

“Five, four, three, two, one! Happy New Year!”

“Happy New Year.”

While others celebrated, you not so subtly focused on his lips. He smirked and pulled you close.

“Can I?“

You nodded as Frankie leaned down to kiss you. The butterflies floating as the kiss deepened. It was spontaneous, daring, and genuine all at the same time. Sure, others were kissing at midnight too, but this was timed perfectly.

Benny and Santiago were hollering nearby.

“Wow,” Frankie shook his head as he rubbed your back. “They can’t give me a break. Oh, our drinks.”

Raising your flute, you offered, “To a perfect first date and more for this year.”

———

xo

MASTERLIST

[abbatoirablaze]

Behind Closed Doors, Chapter 9

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: soft fluff, little bit of sexual tension/teasing. 

“Momma…momma.  I see?” Johnny asked as he tried to crawl up onto the hospital bed.  Your laugh kissed the air as you watched your two-year-old trying to pull himself up onto the bed, “Momma!”

“I see baby?” Shayla asked curiously from beside her brother, her eyes barely peeking over the thin blanket, “we see?”

“Momma, up?” Johnny asked sadly when he realized that he couldn’t get up on his own, “Up!”

“UP!” Shayla joined in, hopping up and down.

“Guys, mommy can’t pick you up,” Sebastian chuckled as he smoothed out their hair, “not right now.  She’s holding baby Jack…we have to be patient and wait our turns.”

“If you want, you can hold him, daddy,” you cooed, looking up from your newest addition to your boyfriend, “what do you think, guys?  Should mommy give daddy to baby Jack for a bit, and he can sit down so that you can see him?”

“YEAH!” Shayla yelled. 

Jack’s bright blue eyes shifted nervously, and his bottom lip warbled.

“Awww, Jack, it’s okay baby boy…that’s your big sister, Shay…she’s just excited!” you cooed as you smoothed down the little tufts of hair at the top of his head.

“Shayla, you guys have to be calm…babies scare easily!”

“No worry baby Jack.  I protec’ you!” Johnny proclaimed proudly, his little hand reaching up onto the bed and barely touching your thigh. 

You felt yourself swooning at the sweetness from your oldest, “Johnny…”

“He baby!” Johnny said firmly, before gesturing to himself and his twin, “we protec’ the baby.”

“You sure you’re okay with me holding him?” Sebastian asked as he bit his lip.

“You deserve to hold your son, Mr. Stan,” you smiled, “I think you’ve been exceptionally patient about it.”

He smiled, lighting up as he reached for his son.  You leaned forward and passed him off.  Sebastian looked like he was going to cry as he cradled him in his arms, wonder filling his eyes, “He’s so small…”

“He’s perfect!” you reminded him, “and he wasn’t small.  Baby Stan was eight pounds, two ounces and twenty two inches long.  That’s big for a baby…I mean the twins were only five or so pounds each, and seventeen inches long…”

“They were also born a month and a half early!” he reminded you as he sat down, and Shayla and Johnny gathered around him. 

Your heart lurched in your chest as you watched Sebastian with the kids.  He had always been loving towards Shayla and Johnny, and you could see the same love in his eyes for Jack.  You were glad to know that there wasn’t any change in his actions just because he now had a biological child of his own.

But you frowned as you thought about Shay and Johnny’s birth.

Chris wasn’t like that. 

He loved them, yes, but the look in his eyes was different than the one that you witnessed with Sebastian.  You’d remembered how he seemed almost lost when he looked at them.

“Momma?”

You were broken from your thoughts when you saw Johnny back at your side, tapping the bed because he couldn’t reach your leg.

“What is it baby bear?” you asked softly, “don’t you wanna see your new little brother with daddy and Shayla?”

“Uppies?”

You sighed as you leaned forward, ignoring the pain in your lower stomach, “can you help momma and jump when she tells you?  I ca-“

“Hey, hey…you shouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting.  I can put him up there!” Sebastian offered, eyes widening as you lifted Johnny onto the bed and he immediately crawled into your side, “baby…you just had Jack.  You shouldn’t be-“

“I’m fine,” you sighed, smoothing down Johnny’s hair, “if I’m being honest, I’m kinda sad that he’s out here…I-I kind of feel empty.  I need another one of my babies to snuggle me and tell me it’s okay.”

He gave you a sympathetic look, “baby-“

“I-it sounds worse than what I mean…I just-I got so used to carrying him around…and it’s weird not feeling his little kicks and shifts in my stomach…I felt the same way when I gave birth to Shayla and Johnny…I guess it’s just postpartum…but I really liked it when I-never mind.  It sounds really silly to say aloud.”

A blush rose to your boyfriend’s cheeks, “are you saying you like being pregnant, (Y/N)?”

“No more baby in tummy?” Johnny asked as he gently put a hand on your stomach. 

You nodded, unable to stop the tears that slipped down your cheeks, “no baby in momma’s tummy anymore…Jack is in daddy’s arms, remember?”

He seemed concerned as he looked up at your face, his little hands slipping from your stomach up to your neck, “no cry momma…”

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Yeah…just a little blues…I-I really do enjoy being pregnant…this part…not as much…it’s like my first little taste of our baby leaving their first nest…” you replied, looking to him once more, “god I’m going to be a mess when they get older and want to really spread their wings.”

“I no get older, momma!” Johnny proclaimed lovingly, “I be momma’s baby forever!”

“Aww thank you baby bear!” you smiled, “you’ll always be mommy’s baby.”

“Momma?” Shayla asked, appearing at your bedside once more, “I uppies?”

“Sebastian?” you sniffled, looking at your boyfriend, “since you don’t want me lifting the kids?”

He nodded and placed Jack in the little baby crib beside the bed, before picking Shayla up and putting her on the hospital bed as well.  She immediately went to your other side and snuggled into you, “love you momma.”

“Love you too baby!” you sighed, kissing the top of her head. 

“I love momma!”

“I love you too, Johnny,” you laughed, looking at your little momma’s boy, “but we all love daddy, right?  And baby Jack…”

“LOVE DADDY!”

“LOVE JACK!”

“I love you guys too…” he mused.  Sebastian smiled even more, chuckling at the twin’s continued proclamation of their love for him.  You watched him intimately once more as his hand rimmed the crib, before sliding into his pocket, “hey baby?”

“Hmm?”

“I uh, I’ve been thinking about this…and-well, if I’m being honest, I bought it the day I drove out to you in California…” he said slowly, pulling a little black box from his pocket.  You gasped, your eyes immediately watering once more as you realized what he was doing.

“Sebastian…”

“(Y/N)-“

“Sebastian, stop,” you begged, cutting him off as he opened the box and your eyes met that of a gorgeous, glistening ring, “oh my god…”

“I’m not going to do what Chris did, (Y/N)…I-I’m not him,” he began as he dropped down to one knee, “and I’d understand if you said no, because I know what must be going through your head right now…all the worry and nerves, but I want to show you that I’m here for you through it all. I love you so much.  I love you more than anything…I know that Johnny and Shayla aren’t mine, but I don’t care…because they are…and now we have Jack too…and I just-“

“I’m afraid,” you admitted softly, “Sebastian…I-Chris nearly ruined me, and I-“

“I’ll wait as long as you want me to…if it takes our whole lives, I’ll do it, just-being your fiancé….but I want you to know that I’m committed to us.  To our future…”

“Momma?”

“What’s g’on?”

“(Y/F/N, Y/L/N) will you eventually marry me, and become (Y/F/N) Stan?”

“Fuck…”

Your brows rose as your fiancé held his phone out, “I uh-I just got the call…”

“Call….what call?” You asked slowly, trying to think about what he could be talking about.  He let it set in for a second and your eyes widened as you realized what he was saying, “OH!  OH!  Well?  What happened?”

“I got it,” he smiled softly, “Baby…I’m going to be Bucky Barnes…the Winter Soldier.”

“Oh my god, Sebastian!” you smiled, running towards him, “that’s amazing news.  That-oh my god!”

“Ther-there’s just one thing.”

You frowned, feeling the uneasiness in his voice, “what’s wrong?”

“Chris…” he admitted slowly, “he-he uh, got the role of Captain America…”

“Chris…”

“Yeah…”

“As in, my ex, Chris?  Chris Evans?” you asked.  Sebastian nodded, and your smile dropped, “Shit…”

“I-I think I’m going to turn it down,” he nodded, biting his lip, “I-“

“What?” you asked, cutting him off, “NO.  Sebastian, why would you do that?” 

“Because of Chri-“

“NO!” you said quickly, shushing him, “you’re not going to throw away an opportunity like this because you don’t want to be around Chris or because of me, or whatever excuse you’re thinking of doing right now.  Sebastian, this is an amazing opportunity.”

“I know, I jus-“

“You’re doing it!” you said gently as you pressed a kiss to his lips, “you’re going to be Bucky Barnes.”

“T-that’s really alright with you?”

“Hey…this is your career,” you said pointedly, “and I’m not letting you back out of a role because of me…hell, if it wasn’t for those casting parties…we wouldn’t have our little family…”

He smiled, nodding along, “I mean…I do owe Marvel a lot already…I got you…the twins…Jack…”

“Exactly!” you nodded back, “and you’re going to kick ass!”

“Since you’re okay with it…I guess I should tell you…the rollout plan for it…Captain America is phase one…but this role…if everything goes well…baby they want me for at least five films.”

“FIVE?  Oh, that’s it…we’re so celebrating!” you giggled, pushing your fiancé back until his back hit the wall.  He lit up, a cheshire catted grin taking over on his face, as his hands slipped up your hips. He licked his lips.

“I think I like where this is going!”

“Yeah…” you smiled, kissing him softly and slowly, “think you like it now…just wait until after the kids are bathed and in bed…”

“Well, I’ve already got Jack bathed and put to sleep…” he smirked as your hand snaked down his chest and to his pants.  His eyes fluttered shut as you stroked him over the sleep pants, “fuck…(Y/N)…”

“MOMMA!”

Sebastian jumped, his eyes shooting open as your eldest child yelled from down the hall. 

“DADDY BAFF TIME!” Shayla yelled as Johnny came running naked down the hall and into the kitchen. 

You pressed a kiss to your fiancé’s lips and gave him a sad smile, “to be continued…”

“Oh, you just wait until the kids are in bed!” he smirked, hungrily licking his lips once more as you chased after your son, “I’ll clean up dinner if you want to get them bathed…tuck em in together?”

You nodded, agreeing with him as you caught your squirming son.  He giggled maniacally as you went back to Sebastian and pressed a firm kiss to his lips, “and then I’ll tuck you in after, daddy.”

“Can’t wait, mommy!”

Chapter 10

[fangirlingfromdownunder]

Comfort in a Wedding

Summary - Part 33 in the Comfort series

Pairing - Dean Winchester x Reader, Reader x Sam (platonic), Reader x Bobby (father-figure), Andre (OG Character) x Reader (best friends)

Series Masterlist | Masterlist 

A/N: This chapter is a little longer than normal, I just couldn't bring myself to take anything out or cut it off anywhere. I hope you enjoy. Also, I know this GIF is Amara, but just use your imagination.

As you and Dean make your way down to the lobby you send out a silent prayer to Cas asking him to bring everyone to the front of the hotel. Out on the street you look to your left and see Sam and Cas walking towards you. You smile at them as they approach and squeeze Dean’s hand. 

Once they get close enough to talk Sam looks at you and says, “So, looks like you’re as persuasive as you said.”

“Told you. I know what I want and how to get it. Did you guys call Bobby?” Just as his name leaves your lips a beat up red and black sedan pulls up beside you on the curb.

“So, what? Am I going back to my motel or witnessing a wedding?” Bobby asks gruffly, leaning out the window.

You look up at Dean and smile. “The second option. No more changing our mind, no more running. Although, a courthouse isn’t really an option given our legal, official vital status.”

Dean sighs and then says, “I think I know a place, I’ll go get my other Baby and we can go.” He kisses you on the top of your head before pulling away to go get his car. 

As soon as he’s out of earshot Sam says, “You forgive too easily. You know he’s gonna do this again the next time there’s the slightest inconvenience. I know you love him, but is it really worth all the pain?”

“Name a perfect couple, Sam. Your parents weren’t, Bobby and Karen weren’t, hell my parents weren’t even hunters and their marriage wasn’t perfect. They fought like cats and dogs most of the time. Doesn’t mean the love’s not real and that it’s not worth every second.”

“Let them have their moment, Sam. Be a supportive brother. I hate seeing any of you guys get hurt, especially by each other. But I’ve watched Dean surprise me for years, and for the two of you he always steps up when it really matters. You’ve fought adversity after adversity side-by-side and despite the pain you always find solace in each other. And for the record I know quite a few couples that hunt together. I’m rooting for you.”

“Thanks, Bobby. That means a lot.”

“Yeah, yeah. Enough with the chick flick moments, here comes Dean. You coming, Sam?”

Sam nods and walks around to the passenger side and gets in while Cas awkwardly looks around before getting in the backseat. When Dean pulls up in front of Bobby you do the same. His hand is quick to find your smooth, bare thigh where your dress has ridden up as he drives off to the secret location. “That dress is really sexy, but I can’t wait to see it on the floor.”

You blush a little and then say, “I never thought this day would actually come. Part of me thought we’d be engaged forever.”

He squeezes your thigh. “Me too. And I know I’m difficult and I keep hurting you, but I swear I meant it when I asked you that night. It feels like such a long time ago.”

“So much has happened since then. But honestly, I’m just glad we went through it all together. I can withstand a lot, Dean, but not alone.”

“I know. You mentioned that night in the barn. That night I knew you had a hold on me. I’ve been with plenty of women, you know that, but none have put me in my place and made me want to change the way you do. But as I fell for you all I could think about was losing you. I don’t think I could handle that. Even when I gave you that ring I was terrified. We’ve got so many people killed over the years and I just couldn’t live with myself if I got you killed too.”

You put your hand on top of his on your thigh. “I was a hunter long before I met you. I know the risks. I feel a lot more secure hunting with you than hunting alone. I know you have my back, and I always have yours.” 

You look out the window as you feel the car slowing down and pulling off down a dirt road. You give Dean a confused look. 

“I often take these roads when looking for somewhere to camp the night in Baby instead of going to a motel. I came out here the other night to clear my head and all I could think of was how much you’d like it.”

At first glance it just appears to be a plain field and a forest but the further he pulls off the road you start to smell the ocean. 

“This field made you think of me?”

“Shut up. Just follow me, I promise it’s not a long walk, but I can carry you if you want,” Dean says as he shuts off the engine and gets out. Bobby, Sam, and Cas follow suit. You get out carefully while holding the soft box in one hand. 

“No offense, Dean, but we passed plenty of nicer places on the way here…” Bobby says.

“Shut your mouths all of you.”

Dean offers you his hand and then takes one look at your white heels and scoops down and picks you up bridal style. “I can walk, Dean. Put me down.”

“You’ll ruin the only pair of nice shoes you own.”

“It’s not like I’ll ever wear them again.”

Dean just shakes his head at you and continues down a narrow walking trail for a few minutes before stopping and placing you back on your feet. You spin around taking in the view. You’re on a hill with a river running below and wild flowers lining the river's edge. Tall trees tower above you with birds and wildlife chirping in the treetops. Dean takes a tight grip on your hand to ensure you don’t slip while taking it all in. You can see the trail goes further around, winding along the river’s edge, but the view from where you are is perfect. The look of wonder on your face is enough for Dean to know his suspicions were correct. 

“I always told you if we did it, we’d do it right,” he says, pulling you close.

“You definitely delivered. Let’s do this.” You say. 

Cas walks over and joins you and says, “Soulmates, I told you. I’m so glad I didn’t wipe your memories.”

“Yeah, us too,” you say. 

Dean pulls you close and looks straight into your eyes. You smile up at him. 

Castiel stands in front of you both, his presence commanding yet gentle. With a solemn nod, he speaks up. “Well, it seems there’s no point in prolonging this or dragging it out. Love is a force that transcends boundaries, a bond that unites two souls on a journey through life. Dean and YN, as soulmates your love has the power to conquer even the greatest challenges, as we’ve seen time and time again. Your journey together is a testament to the strength of your bond.” He looks at each of you and then continues, “I believe this is where you each share your vows. So, YN, do you take Dean to be your husband, to love, support, and stand by his side through all the trials life may bring?”

Tears shimmer in your eyes as you look into Dean's, your heart overflowing with love. “Of course I do.” You carefully open the ring box and take out the larger ring that you picked for Dean. He holds out his left hand and you slip the ring onto his ring finger. It’s a perfect fit. “Dean, I'm so glad I found you. You've been with me through it all—the good times and the bad–the pregnancy and the loss and every hunt we’ve ever been on, as well as the quiet days in the bunker and driving around in Baby. You've always been there to protect me and comfort me when it gets tough. You're my rock. I love you with everything I have.”

Dean smiles at you as Cas nods and turns to Dean, his gaze unwavering. “Dean, do you take YN to be your wife, to love, support, and stand by her side through all the trials life may bring?”

Dean’s smile never wavers as he looks deep into your eyes and says, “Hell yes, I do.” A soft chuckle ripples through you, Sam and Bobby, even Castiel's lips twitching into a small smile. Dean takes the ring box from you and takes out the simple ring you chose for yourself. He hands the box off to Sam who’s standing nearby and lifts up your left hand. “From the moment you put that knife against my neck in that barn, everything changed. You've stood by me through the darkest of times, and you've brought light into my world. A light that I never thought I’d have. Pushed me to be better and got through to me when I was too stubborn. Hell, you even got me here today. I know I’ve never made anything easy, but I promise to always be there for you, to protect you, to make you laugh even when you don't want to, and to love you with everything I have.” He slips the ring onto your finger so it sits perfectly above your engagement ring.

Smiling at you both, Cas continues. “Then, by the power vested in me as an angel of the lord, I now pronounce you partners for life, here on Earth and in heaven. You may seal this bond with a kiss.”

Dean's arms wrap around you, drawing you into a passionate and tender kiss, pushing all his love into it. As he pulls away, his eyes sparkle with emotion. “I love you, Mrs. Winchester.”

You smile through happy tears, your heart overflowing. “And I love you, Mr. Winchester.”

Dean pulls you in for another kiss. “I am a little disappointed I didn’t get to fully appreciate all the effort you went to earlier,” he says as he tucks a stray strand of hair behind your ear softly. Then he leans in close to your ear and deeply says, “But I promise I’m gonna appreciate and worship every inch of your sexy body when we get back to the hotel.”

You can’t help but blush at his words as heat floods through your body heading south. You turn your head, placing your lips close to his ear and whisper, “That’s good because I have a little surprise for you under here.”

You hear his breath catch in his throat at your words. You smirk at him and pull away. You walk over to Sam and Bobby, feeling Dean’s gaze dragging over your form from behind. Bobby holds his arms open for you, he’s not much of a hugger but he’s always made exceptions for you in special circumstances. You welcome his embrace.

“I knew you’d pull this off. I know he’s rough around the edges but he will be good to you. I trust that. I knew you two would end up together from the first time he brought you over. You both look happy and that’s all this old man can ask for.”

You smile at Bobby and nod before looking over your shoulder at Dean who’s taken a few steps towards you. “I am happy. This is what I’ve wanted for a long time. I don’t know what’s in our future or how long we have but I want to spend it with him.”

The second you step back from Bobby Dean’s wrapping his arms around you from behind. “Come on, we get a honeymoon now, right?” He asks.

“I don’t know, Dean. We got the wedding, but there’s still demons on our trail.”

Sam finally pipes up and says, “you deserve it. Go celebrate and try to have a few normal newly-wed-couple days, and if the demons find you, you hunt them. If you’re gonna do it, go the whole mile. I may not have always been onboard but Bobby’s right, despite all your trials and tribulations you always get through it together, you always come through for each other. And I’m glad to finally be able to officially call you my sister.”

“In-law,” you add with a smile. You know it must be hard for Sam with how he’s felt for you and watching Dean treat you rough and you always running right back. But you know he means well and wants what’s best for both you and Dean. You trust he’ll come to accept the bond. 

“Well then, if everyone’s onboard, I’m gonna take this little hottie out for a proper celebration and then start our honeymoon,” Dean says as he hugs you tightly.

“You mean consummate your bond,” Cas says matter-of-factly from behind you.

“If you want to put it that way, sure,” Dean says and you blush. 

“Thanks Cas for coming through with this. I know it’s not what you’re used to and you see it as redundant but it meant a lot to me,” you say as you turn around as best you can in Dean’s arms.

“Anything to keep my two favourite soulmates together,” Cas says before disappearing in a flap of his wings.

With that Dean spins you around and picks you back up bridal style to walk you back to the car. 

“Dean!” You shout in shock.

“Can’t have you spraining an ankle on our wedding day.”

Back at the cars you say your goodbyes to Sam and Bobby. 

“You kids have fun, but also stay safe. Look after each other,” Bobby says. 

Sam nods in agreement with Bobby’s statement and then hugs you and Dean before you get in your separate cars and drive back out to the highway and go in opposite directions. In the car Dean’s hand finds its home on your upper thigh again. 

“As much as part of me wants to take you right back to the hotel and worship you, I’m not sure when I’ll be able to get you all dressed up like this again. So, I’m gonna find the most fancy, romantic place in Miami and give you the treatment you deserve.”

“Lead the way, husband.” You reach over and turn on the radio letting the classic rock roll over you. This here is your comfort zone: sitting in Baby with Dean’s hand squeezing your thigh while rock music fills the comfortable silence between you. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Tag list: (Leave a like or comment on this post or let me know below if you want to be added to the tag list for this series)

@bitchwitch1981, @muhahaha303, @justrealizedimmascifygurl, @mcdowell-123, @leigh70, @marvelsmarauder, @losa12308, @tapedeck-hearts, @luvjaida, @peachtxa, @ambearsstuff, @shadow-of-a-cloud, @slut-for-buck, @iprobablyshipit91, @sassy-pelican, @fallenlilangel99, @heavenlyhopeful0, @nelachu2423

[catless-and-covenless]

Well. I’m glad for open communication. But I am so exhausted by being the Curse of Mo-brn. It’s not fair…The side glances, subtle jabs, and subconscious grudges for just…talking to people. For just making sure people are safe. It’s not annoying or angering or anything. Especially since I don’t even know if it’s conscious. But I’m tired. I just want to be. It felt like every subtle glance and jab at someone spending time with me..especially when it’s not….I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t think.

But it wasn’t about me. And Ca…I need to hold grace for her. And I do. My heart broke seeing her. The way she flinched, the stuttering, the fear...mami isn’t as bad. So I wonder if it was more than just harsh breakup words. Mami is still recovering from just hiding a small part of herself. Cat…it seemed like she was recovering from a lot more. And she is dealing with grief. So I get it. It’s easier to...I get it. If Ca needs a scapegoat while she heals…then for a short amount of time I can be that. Not forever.

But until we can talk and I can maybe force her to air out the concerns. I can’t fight anything under the surface and I’m a coward too who runs if it’s passive aggressive. But all will come to a healing soon. She’s….she has my compassion. Even if I ahd hoped that maybe she would have been as close to me as Credence is. Maybe it can still happen? I missed having a girl around and I wanted it to be her who would be that friend.

And G.That whole thing must have hurt him so bad. And I was proud. That argument could have gone a lot worse. And it didn’t. He held his own and stood up for himself and I am so proud. Even when he’s standing and yelling…I get why Ca flinched but also he would never hurt any of us. Not unless he had no choice. I know it in my bones. Not on purpose. Hell he ran just seeing me a little in fear to make sure nothing happened. I am becoming so fond of him. I don’t want to ruin him but I want him in my life. But a part of me feels guilty. I feel safe and protected and…I can be a teenager. Just a teenager.

Not the perfect student with her head down. Not the perfect daughter to my papa or a little kid to my mami. Cr taught me to laugh again but G…it’s like learning to be a kid again? Almost human in a sense. And with my reputation it’s not going to help any rumors that he’s a delinquent. Or that he’s bad news. And I can’t stay away. Even if I tell myself not to text back or laugh or…I keep going back. I feel like like..nevermind. I just don’t want him to be the Curse of Mo-brn’s Security Dog. He’s more than that. He deserves to be seen for everything and I will ruin that

Guilty isn’t enough to cover how badly I feel knowing that anytime I care for someone I am socially their death. I don’t want to be more on his plate. I just want to be his normal the way he’s mine. But I don’t know if that means I’m using him. I don't want to mark him with my flirtation as a pariah. I don’t want to turn into R and take G for Ca when they both need each other as friends. I wish I could be as honest as I am truthful around him. But I don’t want to mar his normal with my affection.

And CR…I should have ran to Ca’s house as soon as I heard. My Cr…my sun. My light…his heart. I will do anything to get it back. R never knows when enough is enough. She forgets not everyone has her pov and her tolerance to pain. She’s going to break him. She’s going to break me. If she hurts him again..I don’t know what I can do. But anything is on the table. And Ca…the poor thing is so distraught. I only had a blanket to comfort as I put the poor thing in such a n uncomfortable position. I made her get into a car. I felt like a monster.

But she’s with Ir now. Ir, who I trust with our misfits as if they were me. Ir…so brave and wonderful and amazing. They just jumped without a thought. Gave me the time needed to bind the thing. So willing to go and talk to R. So ready to remind me that It’s not just me anymore. I almost forgot and was so emotional and It just reminded me while bleeding that they would also help. I never needed to ask. It’s strange. It’s easier to accept help like that. But Ir understand the Abyss the way I do. The magic the way I do. And despite not being human…understands my human conflict and emotions. I really wouldn’t be surprised if Ir has gathered at least an idea of how deep the affection I have for everyone runs and in what direction. Ir is the other side of what I do after all. The other side of the river. I think people forget that about our Ir. That out of everyone, they have the most experience and life. In another life I do wonder..If I had been born Celtic or a Druid would I have tried contacting them as my parton of sorts instead me favoring of Mayahuel, Xochiquetzal, or Ixchel.

But I have made my home into a fortress. That item is never going to be found. It’s untraceable. It’s hidden. And if anything happens to it I will actually lose the last marble I had.

But maybe that accounts for the visions…

But I have a potion now to prove it wasn’t a fluke. The Abyss was waiting so patiently for me all these years. And now that I finally have started embracing it it’s embracing me back. Maybe I should be as kind to the Abyss as I wish the town was to me. It’s not the Abyss’s fault that I was young. And I’m tired of not loving that part of myself. But this potion…Is definitely going ito a vial….I do wonder what it is like though. If just a drop would work something..or it would need to be the whole thig. The temptation to, just a dab, try it. Just to see what it is. I don’t know if it would work for what we need. I don’t want it to backfire. But I do wonder if…it might make it easier for me to love myself the way Cr loves me. Maybe make it easier for me to see the love around me? I don’t want it to accidentally become an obsession love magic though. Maybe…just the smallest dab. Maybe it will just lend me strength. Just the smallest touch and taste.

This is torture acually. But it might help with tonight's plan? Who’s to say….I need to put this vial away.

[bearbluebooks]

Chapter 4 and 5 Christmas in Velaris

“Does it hurt?” He asked. 

When she looked into his eyes she could swear there was worry in his eyes.

“Only when you touch it,” she joked.

December 6th, 8:54

A knock on the door pulled Gwyn out of her cleaning haze. Was she expecting another handyman?

One quick glance on her phone told her that wasn’t until tomorrow.

With hesitant steps she made her way to the front door. Just in case, she eyed the biggest book she could lift- they were weapons in more ways than one.

As she lifted the key chain lock she hardly had the chance to open the door before she was greeted with “I thought Feyre was joking when she said you were back.” 

Without thinking Gwyn engulfed her friend into the biggest hug. She held her so tight she almost suffocated her- as long as she held her, it was real. She was back .

And she came to see her. She hadn’t realized how much she missed her until this moment. The no bullshit, loyal Nesta Archeron. Her best friend.

News traveled fast but Nesta Archeron traveled faster.

Sometimes Velaris was just like a small town, and not the bustling city most people thought.

Right now she was glad for it. “Nesta!”

“I’ve missed you.” She whispered into the beautiful female's golden brown hair.

“What are you doing here? Are you back? For good?”

“Never mind,” she said as she removed herself from the hug.

“Tell me on Friday night, we're going out. I’m taking you and Emerie out for drinks. Maybe Cas will join. Who am I kidding he will join. But first just us girls.”

“That sounds nice, Nesta,” Gwyn chimed in.

“I’ll pick you up at six, wear something nice.”

Before she could respond Nesta was already out of the door as she said “I need to go to work but I needed to see if it was true.”

With one look back she said “it’s really nice to have you back Gwynnie.”

The old nickname squeezed her heart tight. It sent a flutter of warmth throughout her body. “It’s really nice to be back,” she said with a genuine smile. “See you on Friday.”

21:35

Fresh incense smoked in the background. Soft smells of Nag Champa filled the air, as it slowly replaced the old with the familiar. 

Lilly’s upstairs apartment was in much better shape than the shop- the ceilings held, there was no mold to be seen, and even the interior was quite nice.

All of Lilly’s furniture was a mix of cozy and kitsch. Dark green wallpaper adorned the old walls. The velvet green curtains slowly moved, as they signaled the entrance of fresh air. The ornate fireplace offered a warm fire with hypnotic crackling sounds. The large mirror on top of the fireplace showed Gwyn’s tired body on the green couch. Her legs rested gently on the chestnut coffee table. The many candles that she scattered around gave the room an even cozier ambiance. Gwyn couldn’t help the happy sigh that escaped her mouth as she planted her feet on the soft red carpet to change her position for a bit.

Happy.

Gwyn was happy. 

Mouse seemed to share the sentiment, as she purred contentedly in her lap. When she moved to grab her steaming cup of tea, her entire body ached, but somehow she felt more satisfied with life than she had in a while.

If she could get more than five hours of sleep tonight, she would be over the moon. But all the hard work in the world couldn’t help her sleep. Her amnesia followed her even to Velaris. In a desperate attempt to force her body to sleep, she already put her pajamas on, and her makeup off. 

The only thing that was left to do, was to go to bed and fall asleep. Instead of looking at the ceiling for hours and hours until the sun forcefully announced its presence.

Suddenly, a loud knock on the door took her out of the in-between relaxed state she found herself in.

Again?

One look at her phone showed the time, “21:35?” she said to Mouse who looked with the same contentment as earlier.

Her heart began to beat faster and her palms began to sweat. Her mind faded to black as flashes of pounding against doors flashed before her, as if he was here again, demanding to “open up, you devil child.” 

With one shake of her head and one deep breath in she walked towards her bag on the antique hazelnut dinner table. 

“He’s not real. He’s not here. You’re safe,” she repeated quietly as she rifled through the messiness that was her life. Within seconds she found what she was looking for: the can of pepper spray.

Silent steps that came with years of making herself smaller brought her down the stairs.

With one whispered “You got this,” she swung the door open quickly- so quickly that she could take up her fighting stance without losing time. 

“Azriel?” She said in shock.

“Gwyn?” He said in even more shock.

“Is that- 

“Pepper spray?”

When she stepped out of the darkness of her shop into the dimly lit street, a sharp inhale came before a choked “What the hell happened to your face?”

One of his large hands instinctively reached for the spot on her chin where she knew a bruise bloomed in bright colors of red and purple.

This morning her limited makeup skills actually hid the bruise quite well, Nesta hadn’t even noticed.

“I fell up the stairs,” she answered honestly.

One sad smile adorned his full lips as he said, “Still clumsy I see.” 

“Does it hurt?” He asked. 

When she looked into his eyes she could swear there was worry in his eyes.

“Only when you touch it,” she joked.

With equal speed, his hand left her chin. The sudden movement left her feeling surprisingly wanting.

“What are you doing here?” She asked. 

She secretly hoped his answer would allow him to stay a little bit longer.

“I promised I’d come by,” he said.

With a smile, she remembered last night. 

“Hey, if we can’t use children to spread the Christmas spirit then who can we?”

“A question for the ages,” he replied with a smile.

Azriel’s eyes contained a silent question, are you going to let me in?

A shiver ran up her body as the cold air hit her naked feet. Even though the place was a mess, it was a lot warmer inside.

“Come in,” she said hesitantly, “But if you judge even one thing, I will send your ass back out.”

With his hands held up he walked inside.

“Not everybody can be the owner of an evil lair,” she said as she looked back with mock judgment.

“Not everybody has style, you mean,” he said with a smirk.

“Taste is subjective, and some are better than others,” she said as she walked up the stairs.

She noticed an encroaching presence behind her. Ever since she came back, he kept a distance, but now he was practically breathing in her neck. 

Then she remembered how she just told him about her feud with the stairs, and her heart warmed.

As she opened the door she looked back to warn Azriel, “Mouse is sweet but doesn’t really warm to strangers, don’t take it personally.” At least she would have an ally in her own home. It took her years for Mouse to be as comfortable with her as she was now. Years of cuddles, respecting her space, and lots and lots of treats. With no small amount of pride, she considered herself Mouse’s primary human.

Before she could even step foot into the warm living room, Mouse, the ninja cat already made her way towards the towering male that suddenly occupied a large part of the living room.

“Doesn’t seem to be a problem,” Azriel said as he pointed down to where Mouse encircled his legs.

The treacherous beast walked around Azriel’s long legs in a desperate attempt to be picked up. It took her one year until Mouse allowed her to be near her. 

Out of frustration, she whispered, “Arrogant son of a bitch.”

Did he still have that uncanny bat hearing, she wondered when he asked, “What was that?”

No backing out now, “Arrogant son of a bitch,” she repeated more confidently.

“Jealous?” he said with one corner of his mouth lifted.

“Not at all,” she lied.

21:35

Fresh incense smoked in the background. Soft smells of Nag Champa filled the air, as it slowly replaced the old with the familiar. 

Lilly’s upstairs apartment was in much better shape than the shop- the ceilings held, there was no mold to be seen, and even the interior was quite nice.

All of Lilly’s furniture was a mix of cozy and kitsch.

Dark green wallpaper adorned the old walls. The velvet green curtains slowly moved as they signaled the entrance of fresh air. The ornate fireplace offered a warm fire with hypnotic crackling sounds. The large mirror on top of the fireplace showed Gwyn’s tired body on the green couch. Her legs rested gently on the chestnut coffee table. The many candles that she scattered around gave the room an even cozier ambiance. Gwyn couldn’t help the happy sigh that escaped her mouth as she planted her feet on the soft red carpet to change her position for a bit.

Happy.

Gwyn was happy. 

Mouse seemed to share the sentiment, as she purred contentedly in her lap. When she moved to grab her steaming cup of tea, her entire body ached, but somehow she felt more satisfied with life than she had in a while.

If she could get more than five hours of sleep tonight, she would be over the moon. But all the hard work in the world couldn’t help her sleep. Her insomnia followed her even to Velaris. In a desperate attempt to force her body to sleep, she already put her pajamas on, and her makeup off. 

The only thing that was left to do was go to bed and fall asleep instead of looking at the ceiling for hours and hours until the sun forcefully announced its presence.

Suddenly, a loud knock on the door took her out of the relaxed state she found herself in.

Again?

One look at her phone showed the time, “21:35?” she said to Mouse who looked at her with the same contentment as earlier.

Her heart began to beat faster and her palms began to sweat. Her mind faded to black as flashes of pounding against doors flashed before her, as if he was here again, demanding to “open up, you devil child.” 

With one shake of her head and one deep breath in she walked towards her bag on the antique hazelnut dinner table. 

“He’s not real. He’s not here. You’re safe,” she repeated quietly as she rifled through the messiness that was her life. Within seconds she found what she was looking for: the can of pepper spray.

Silent steps that came with years of making herself smaller, brought her down the stairs.

With one whispered “You got this,” she swung the door open quickly- so quickly that she could take up her fighting stance without losing time. 

“Azriel?” She said in shock as she observed the humongous figure looming in the doorway.

“Gwyn?” He said in even more shock.

“Is that- 

“Pepper spray?”

When she stepped out of the darkness of her shop and into the dimly lit street, a sharp inhale sounded before a choked “Who did that to you?”

One of his large hands instinctively reached for the spot on her chin where she knew a bruise bloomed in bright colors of red and purple.

This morning, her limited makeup skills actually hid the bruise quite well- Nesta hadn’t even noticed.

“I fell up the stairs,” she answered honestly.

One sad smile adorned his full lips as he said, “Still clumsy I see.” 

“Does it hurt?” He asked. 

When she looked into his eyes she could swear there was worry in his eyes.

“Only when you touch it,” she joked.

With equal speed, his hand left her chin. The sudden movement left her feeling surprisingly wanting.

“What are you doing here?” She asked. 

She secretly hoped his answer would allow him to stay a little bit longer.

“I promised I’d come by,” he said. “Thanks for riling up Nyx by the way.”

With a smile, she remembered last night. 

“Hey, if we can’t use children to spread the Christmas spirit then who can we?”

“A question for the ages,” he replied with a smile.

Azriel’s eyes contained a silent question, are you going to let me in?

A shiver ran up her body as the cold air hit her naked feet. Even though the place was a mess, it was a lot warmer inside.

“Come in,” she said hesitantly, “But if you judge even one thing, I will send your ass back out.”

With his hands held up he walked inside.

“Not everybody can be the owner of an evil lair,” she said as she looked back with mock judgment.

“Not everybody has style, you mean,” he said with a smirk.

“Taste is subjective, and some have more than others,” she said as she walked up the stairs.

She noticed an encroaching presence behind her. Ever since she came back, he kept a distance, but now he was practically breathing in her neck. 

Then she remembered how she just told him about her feud with the stairs and her heart warmed.

As she opened the door she looked back to warn Azriel, “Mouse is sweet but doesn’t really warm to strangers, don’t take it personally.”

It took years for Mouse to be as comfortable with her as she was now. Years of cuddles, respecting her space, and lots and lots of treats. With no small amount of pride, she considered herself Mouse’s primary human.

Before she could even step foot into the warm living room, Mouse, the ninja cat already made her way towards the towering male that suddenly occupied a large part of the living room.

“Doesn’t seem to be a problem,” Azriel said as he pointed down to where Mouse encircled his legs.

The treacherous beast walked around Azriel’s long legs in a desperate attempt to be picked up.

Out of frustration, she whispered, “Arrogant son of a bitch.”

Did he still have that uncanny bat hearing, she wondered when he asked, “What was that?”

No backing out now, “Arrogant son of a bitch,” she repeated more confidently.

“Jealous?” he said with one corner of his mouth lifted.

“Not at all,” she lied.

With confident strides he walked to the large dark red chair. As he took a seat he asked “So what’s this I hear about a Christmas competition?”

[ilovsupernaturaltoomuch]

Memories Within (a series) PART 1

an epilogue of sorts

description: A young woman without her memories, seeks out for answers in a world of supernatural. What and who will she find?

The beginning of the story may be a little confusing, you, the reader, are following the journey and same confusion that y/n feels. Bare with me here…

WARNINGS: This story is dark, with themes of violence, obsession, swearing, gore and more! If anything of the darks sorts makes you feel uncomfy, this story isn’t for you :/ possibly isn’t entirely proof read ;)

Memories within - Epilogue

“Y/nnnnnnnn, pay attention to me i’m bored.” Lucifer whined like a small child, i bite my lip and smile as i dog tag the page i was on in my book and turn to face him in our bed, well maybe more my bed than his given he doesn’t tend to have a habit of sleeping.

We lock eyes and he seems pleased with himself. “Hi,” i whisper and smile at the man i’ve grown to know seemingly twice.

“Hi.” he mimics and reaches to push a strand of hair behind my ear. There’s a moment of quiet tranquility between us. Enjoying one another’s presence as i stare into his deep blue eyes. His eyes that match one of my own in fact. I’m not sure if i was always like this, my mismatching eyes. One of my own eye colour i presume, and one eyes that mimics his exact shade of blue. i’ve grown to love my eyes, despite their lack of symmetry.

“What has you so consumed in those pages that has you ignoring me.” he asks. Despite only sharing a few weeks of time and memories worth with Lucifer, I can read him on a level that sometimes even scares him. His question seems innocent enough, sarcastic even, but deep down within those stormy blue eyes i can see the darkness that swirls within the question.

Lucifer is a man, sorry archangel, with many layers, i know he cares for me, but he struggles to express it in a healthy way, and I can’t help but make excuses for him.

Have i always been a big reader? i briefly wonder before Lucifer snaps me back into the present with his light grasp on my chin, lifting my face, searching for my eyes.

“Where did you go Y/N?” curiosity laces his voice, but also a sense of doubt.

“What?” I reply, unsure what he means or how he wants me to answer.

“You seem to disappear into your mind a lot recently.” He searches within my eyes for an answer.

“Sorry, there’s just still a lot of confusion, you know?” i say and smile, trying to ease the sense of doubt within him.

“Stop looking. Stop reaching into your mind trying to find answers Y/N, they aren’t there. I wish more than anything you could remember it all, but it’s a miracle you’re even alive, so try live in the present now and stop looking.” He explains sincerely, but again there’s that hint of darkness, a threatening darkness that sends my stomach into knots.

“You’re right, i’m sorry, i’m just glad i’m here with you.” i say and smile, pulling him in for a brief kiss on the cheek before i stand.

“Shall we go for a walk?” i say and reach for his hand. He smiles, slightly menacingly given i gave in so easily, but takes my hand without question nonetheless.

The Bunker -

Dean sat with his head in his hands, lack of sleep beginning to catch up to him even as a hunter. Sam, Cas and himself, endlessly racking their minds, endlessly searching for answers within the endless collection of books, trying to find a way to trap Lucifer back in a broken cage.

“I just don’t get it, how did the bastard even get out, isn’t that thing supposed to be like inescapable… better yet, indestructible..?”Dean grumbles to no one really, but Sam still gives him a shrug of acknowledgement while absorbed into his own reading.

Cas sat quietly, perhaps in distress, holding his temples like he’s in discomfort. “What’s up with you chuckles?” Dean questions, pivoting the back breaking wooden chair towards his angel friend.

“It’s… angel radio… somethings happened..” Cas mumbles, it’s hardly audible but the boys seem to understand him well enough.

“What’s happened Cas?” Sam asks with worry, as if they don’t already have enough on their plates.

“It’s lucifer.. He… broke into heaven.” Cas says finally beginning to ease up as the angel radio goes mute.

“Of course he did.” Dean throws his arms up in frustration before he slams the book in front of him closed, wasn’t relevant anyways he thinks to himself having given up on the reading for today.

Sam, always the voice of reason speaks up, “What for? I mean, why would he even risk it?”

“It seems he stole something, but I couldn’t make out what.” Cas explains as he squints his eyes in confusion.

“Must of been pretty important if he was going to go through the trouble and obvious risk to pop in back home.” Dean says as he takes a swig from his now warm beer he forgot about and throws a brief face of disgust before taking another swig.

Dean statement brings the boys a moment. A pivotal moment of silence. One in which all two men and an angel are silent, in thought. A moment in which all three seemingly share one profound thought simultaneously and exchange the same horrified look.

“No… there’s no way..” Sam mumbles, eyes wide.

“Is that even possible Cas?” Dean asks before standing to his feet followed by the other two.

“It shouldnt be, it’s unheard of, but…” Cas doesn’t finish his sentence, Sam and Dean have heard enough, it isn’t impossible, that’s all they needed to know before darting towards the stairs that make the exit of the bunker.

Cas pauses, he ponders on the possibility before realising he shouldnt put anything past Lucifer and he follows the brothers outside. With each step up those stares the anxiety between the three rises. All three men slowly pick up pace unconsciously, as they make their way outside, the winter Kansas air hits their face but they go unfazed as they have only one thing on their mind.

Making their way, in unison, down that path in the woods, curtesy of Dean, to their left, the path seems longer than it was, or maybe that was just the anxiety, the anticipation, the doubt, maybe even the hope.

The all too familiar willow tree comes into view, a tree not native to Kansas, yet after being planted, thrived anyways. But it wasn’t the tree they were concerned about, it was what lied at the base.

Dean reaches it first, followed by Sam and Cas. Now it wasnt what was at the base of the tree that now concerned them either, it was the lack of what was supposed to be there.

“Fuck..” Dean. breathes out, slightly out of breath.

“No… I mean- how is this even possible Cas?” Sam asks, that wide eyed look still plastered on his face. Castiel doesn’t answer, because how could he. He may be an angel but he doesn’t know everything.

There at the base of the tree was a dug up grave, which in heinsight wouldn’t be too odd given their line of work, but it was what was missing from the grave that had them not only sick to their stomach, but also in contrast, a twinge hopeful.

Because there in that dug up grave, was a missing body.

The Winchester brothers little sister.

You.

[livelaughlovesubs]

Following up my other ask I send, my mom has been mad at me for the past 4 days, I had the worst response to a serious interview, I accidentally said ‘venti’ while I was ordering at a another coffee shop, I’m on my period, I’m more suicidal, school has been ruined, my phone is going to get checked and looked through by the teachers at my school, I had cheer practice and almost passed out and to top it all off I’am on my period. FUCKING HELL!!!!!!!!

I’ve been so stressed out to the point of changing my typing style…

- 🎀

Warning: long rant

It’s alright, you can vent to me whenever you want and feel like it. And I’ll listen, as long as you need to. When the parents are mad at one it’s the worst feeling ever, and it always hurts so much. Have you tried talking with her? Though, if that’s not a possibility, I’d suggest you take a bath in the bathtub or a long shower to calm yourself. It’s very relaxing to have warm water run down your body or soak in it.

Eat something nice. Chocolate and sweets does help with bad mood, fruits too. I’d suggest you eat bananas or smt, I heard they make good mood. Who cares about weight or calories, the most important thing is that you are happy, and as long as you are happy you are the most beautiful version of yourself.

I used to write a journal when I was having a huge fight with my parents, and it really helped to write down every bad thought I had. Like how I hated everything, how sad I was. Now looking back, despite how often I wrote that, i don’t feel that way anymore.

Or, try out something new. Like a new game, read a new manhwa, a new show, listen to music… whatever it is. I’ve started playing dol and it’s really funny! I like Bailey the most :] dunno if you’ve played it before and know about it, though give it a try if you haven’t. If you don’t know how to install it on iOS I can help (it’s a bit complicated)

It’s alright to make mistakes or get turned down. That only means you have to look for other opportunities and learn from your mistakes. No one is perfect, there will always be hardships. But hey, there’s always an exit, whenever you hit your lowest point and everything feels shitty, just remember one day you can and you’ll climb high.

Being on your period is so shitty as a fellow woman I detest it too. The hormones going wild and making me emotional is driving me insane. But, it’s fine, being vulnerable is totally alright. There’s also nothing embarrassing about crying oneself to sleep, no matter what gender. Be honest with yourself and do what you think helps you to most, it’s alright to be egoistic at times, it’s okay.

I don’t know why you said schools not going very well. If it’s because of your grades, don’t be too harsh on yourself. School has just started, there’s enough time to improve. Making notes and writing them down all prettily turned out to be quite fun, it also helps with studying. Or going over the learned stuff with friends. Even if it’s less effective than learning alone, it’s better than hating it. And if it’s because of other people, we’ll, I gave you an answer a long time ago

I also don’t know why your phone is getting checked, and I know for a fact it is illegal except for special occasions (?) here in Germany. That’s simply outrageous. Your phone is something private to you and you only, that’s really horrible. I’m not sure how to help there, but if it were up to me I’d rebel or try and hide everything. Sorry for not having any advice on that one

Anyhow, about the passing out, dw. I went running today again and I also almost passed out. Cuz I went running even though it’s 31 Celsius- now I’m fine again, and by the looks of it, you are doing better too. I’m glad. If you are worried about it being embarrassing, no need to be. I can share an embarrassing story of me so that you don’t feel alone. One time, I thought a guy liked me and he was pretty cute, so I tried to flirt with him. Getting close to him and being a bit touchy. Then he outright told me, “can you keep some distance?” Guess I was picking up the wrong hints… haha… (I was so fucking delusional)

Oh god that was a ramble. Well, if you want to talk about it without other people knowing, you can always write a message to me. I hope you’ll do better after getting a good rest. In order to be in high spirits, it’s also important to take care of your body. Your soul and body is connected, your mind knows when you aren’t feeling your best and it affects your mood too. So eat and drink enough, also sleep well <3

[mittensmorgul]

all the time in the world

1289 words | rated T | destiel anniversary fluff

summary:

In the aftermath of the events of one working part, Dean and Cas take a road trip. Neither of them really wants it to end. And they realize it doesn't really have to.

It's been 15 years, and about time they got to celebrate! This is technically coda fic for one working part, but you don't need to read that to enjoy this little snippet of fluff.

read it on ao3, or below the cut

The morning after Cas came back, Dean just drove. The reality of their new lives had really begun to sink in. As they headed toward the bunker, after stopping for lunch at a Kansas City style barbecue place, Dean decided to use their self-appointed time off to introduce Cas to the wide variety of barbecue the vast and varied United States had to offer.

“It won’t take long to detour to Memphis,” Dean had said while they were still at the table. “Beale Street, home of the blues and pork ribs. You’ll love it.”

“But we just ate barbecue, Dean,” Cas replied. “Is it really necessary to drive across three states for more? Isn’t this sufficient?”

Dean looked at Cas in horror for a second, and then shook his head slowly. “See, this is why we need a barbecue road trip. Gotta train up those new human taste buds. I can’t have you spending the rest of your life thinking all barbecue is the same.”

Cas had reluctantly accepted that. Mostly he was just glad to be with Dean, no matter what they were doing. And the idea of a long road trip just for fun, not running into danger or looking for things to hunt or fighting against cosmic forces sounded pleasant, regardless of what they were doing. He also admitted that first barbecue dinner had been delicious, and he wouldn’t mind having it again. He looked across the table at Dean, and smiled.

“Thank you, Dean. Of course I’m happy to go wherever you’d like to take me.”

Dean had gone all pink and flustered across the table at that, and that was also something Cas didn’t mind in the least. In a matter of days he’d gone from firmly believing that he could never have what he truly wanted to being given more than he’d ever even dared to hope for. Not just Dean, but an end to the constant struggle to stay ahead of the forces intent on destroying the universe. For the first time in his long existence, he had time. Time to explore and enjoy the creation he’d stood above for eons, to partake of its wonders instead of invisibly standing guard over them. And Dean was eager and overjoyed to share it all with him.

After Memphis, Dean insisted they needed to head to North Carolina. They swung down through Louisiana and into Texas toward the end of the week. Over brisket while a local band played outside a brewery in the hill country outside Austin, Dean sat staring off into the distance at another group of people smiling and laughing together.

“Is something wrong, Dean?” Cas asked after a few minutes. “You’re not finishing your lunch.”

Dean shook himself off and gave Cas a warm smile. “I was just thinking we should probably be heading home soon.”

Cas nodded at this. “Yes. This has been fun and enlightening, but Sam might be starting to worry about us.”

Dean laughed. “Maybe. But I’m also thinking some of your returned souls might start showing up. Don’t wanna leave the homestead all locked up if anyone needs a refuge, you know?”

“Possibly,” Cas replied.

They’d already heard from Rowena and Crowley, who’d both eagerly taken the deal Cas's spell had offered them. Dean had been worried the two of them would just end up killing each other again, but apparently they’d instead decided to go into business together. So far he’d been reluctant to discover exactly what sort of business the two of them would concoct together, but at least he wasn’t worried about having to clean up another messy murder scene at Rowena’s place. He didn’t necessarily expect to hear from anyone else, but everyone who might reach out already knew where they lived. As long as Sam was there, at least they’d find a warm welcome. Something else was bothering Dean.

“Are you already bored of traveling with me?” he joked, hoping to lighten Dean’s mood.

“What? Never!” Dean insisted, reaching across the table to rest a hand on Cas’s. He stared down at their impulsively joined hands and slowly looked up to Cas’s warm smile with one of his own. “It’s just… it’s almost our anniversary, you know? The day we met, the day you pulled me outta Hell. Kinda feels like we should do something special.”

Cas frowned at that. “Anniversary? I never really thought about it like that before.”

“Yeah, well there’s always been a lot of other shit going on. Even after I started liking you enough to stop thinking of it as the day I had to dig myself out of my own grave and started thinking of it as the day we met, there was never really much time to stop and grab a Hallmark card about it. I just figured, we got time for celebrating stuff like that now.”

“That sounds lovely, Dean,” Cas replied, grateful to know that nothing was truly bothering Dean. He wasn’t actually upset about anything, but he still looked as confused as Cas felt. “What do people even do to celebrate that sort of thing?”

“What,” Dean replied absently. “Rescuing some dude from Hell? I don’t think a lot of other people got that sort of anniversary to celebrate.”

Cas grinned. “That’s true, but people celebrate many similar annual events.”

Dean finished off his brisket and then stood up with Cas to walk back to the car. They weren’t in a hurry, but they were ready to move on again. As they headed out on the road, Dean gave Cas a considering look.

“We could take another road trip. There’s a lot of other important human knowledge we gotta explore.”

Cas considered that for a moment, and then remembered where he’d first met Dean face to face. It seemed as logical a destination as any for an anniversary road trip.

“We could go to Pontiac, Illinois. The barn where you met me is still standing. Or was, a few months ago when I last checked on it.”

Dean turned to look at him so fast the car jolted to the side before he managed to correct it. “Dude, you checked on it?”

Cas gave a little shrug, wondering if maybe he’d overstepped some sort of boundary he hadn’t known existed. Maybe he needed to justify his actions to Dean.

“I used to visit there frequently. When I could still fly, it was a safe sanctuary. You warded it very well against almost everything other than angels. And after I fell and became human, I added more warding. It’s hidden from almost everyone and everything else, except for us. I made sure that you’d always be able to find it again, too. If you ever felt the need for a sanctuary.”

“What?” Dean asked, genuinely surprised by all of this. “You turned the place I stabbed you in the heart into a safe space?”

Cas shrugged. “It seemed metaphorically appropriate at the time.”

Dean reached across the seat and took his hand, squeezing it tight. He was clearly overcome with emotions that Cas was just beginning to understand. He squeezed back and smiled as Dean took a few deep breaths, intently focused on the road. Eventually, Dean cleared his throat, and then smiled at him.

“You know, we did the barbecue tour. We should probably do a pizza tour. Chicago’s not far from Pontiac, and you gotta try a deep dish.”

Cas smiled back, relieved, and let Dean deflect his feelings for the time being. They’d have plenty of time to talk through all their emotions. He could let Dean plan it all for the future for now. 

“That sounds wonderful, Dean,” he replied. Because they had time for everything now.

(ao3 link again for anyone who wants it!)