#but I’m already taking Tues/Wed off this week

[ficklecat]

[absolutebl]

This Week in BL - No Thoughts Only Bed Friends

March 2023 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Bed Friend (Sat YT, GaGa & iQIYI uncut) ep 5 of 8 - Consent King is great. The nail clipping injury thing was absurd. I love King’s admission that he’s attracted to Uea’s cool aloof meanness. Also I like that office politics and nepotism have come in to play, this is an office romance after all. King’s “back the fuck off” expression is one of the best. And then there are bits of the friendship/work dynamics that are laugh out loud funny. This is a great show. 

A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 3 of 12 - I honestly can’t decide about the babe character. Do I like him or is he too much an idiot? There is a way to play innocence where it’s cheeky not frustrating, but this is edging on frustrating. Mr Boss is a hard core flirt. What is this I feel? Just… old fashioned trope exhaustion. I HATE the younger brother character but love the home family. All in all, this show still makes me smile, not sure why, but it keeps me watching.  

Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga & iQIYI) ep 3 of 12 - Continues to be slice of life sweet and somewhat silly. Second lead syndrome strikes... and then vanishes. 

Pastsenger (Thai Weds Gaga) 2 of 12 eps - I just don’t like any of the characters. They’re boring. Also we are back to that old pulp mistake of not matching foundation properly and not blending at the jaw line. Which I find endlessly distracting. I do like that the sunshine idiot time traveller is trying to take care of his dead bestie’s kid and said kid is hella gay for it. 

The Promise (Thai Weds YT) ep 3 of 10 - I’m bored. 

Chains of Heart (Sat iQIYI) ep 5 of 10 - A confession is not an excuse. Do we trust Leu or not? Now a random doctor character has shown up? It feels like we are watching the whole thing out of sequence, not just the flashbacks but as if the story hasn’t been edited together properly. what is going on? 

Our Winter (Thai & Korea YT & TikTok under ThaiMiniSeries) ep 12-13 of 14 - whatever. 

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Dating Sim (Korea Thurs Viki) eps 3-4 of 8 - I can’t. It’s so good. They’re so good... and so bad at flirting. And SO into each other. The saddest part of my week is reading the phrase “the next episode will not be available for 7 days.”

All the Liquors (Korea Thurs Gaga & Viki) eps 5-6 of 8 - That’s it, that’s the reason? The chef is allergic to alcohol? I don’t understand, why such a big deal? What happened to that plot point? Why did he change his mind? OK, I guess that is the end of that conflict? Now we’re in it just for a cute romcom? Fine. Who needs story structure? Especially when they have a date that is all about tasting local food and baby boy has a cute striped sweater with extra long flappity-flappy sleeves. The credit extras sequence was GREAT! I found the two gay boys expressions over the hets flirting = one if the most relatable moments in BL cinematic history.  

Unintentional Love Story (Korea Fri iQIYI) 1-2 of 10- Ji Won Young is intent on winning over the heart of Yoon Tae Joon as he's the boss's favorite artist. Plot: evil corporation is evil, artist is DEEP and not evil. Opens with a wrongful termination, debt issues, bird poop, & broken plate = our poor sunshine cutie can’t catch a break. Gongchan (maknae of B1A4) is GREAT in this role. Like really good. The tsundere ceramicist better be in hiding for a DAMN good reason. I don’t wan’t to be in another Liquors sitch. Meanwhile: “just a little kabedon to see if you’re gay“ really? That’s your excuse? Love the cafe owner & combative foodie romance boys, side dish syndrome coming on strong already. (The guy playing the muscled waiter is the lead from You Make Me Dance). [FYI I had to search on Google to find it on iqiyi, for some reason they weren’t listing the first 2 eps internally: Ep 1, Ep 2]

A Shoulder to Cry On (Korea Tues Viki & Gaga) eps 1-2 of 7 - Adaptation of Dongmul's manwha, high school set, features a teasing confident gay, and a rich/poor pairing. Star idols Jaehan & Yechan BOTH from OMEGA X, a first for the industry. AND..... I don’t like it. Very bully romance, without the mature teasing of Semantic Error or the kinky hotness of My Beautiful Man. I HATE outing with false accusations (implication = to be gay is evil), aided and abetted by adults. (It’s as close to a trigger as I get.) It makes for an unforgivable bad-boy character. Lots of the “crash into me“ trope. (Who do they think they are? Taiwan?) I’ll keep watching but I’m not happy about it, and I don’t see how they can possibly redeem the bad boy - tragic past or no. Now that he switched to flirting the dynamic is better, but I will never trust him. 

Jack o’Frost (Japan Fri GaGa) ep 5 of 6 - Honestly? Perhaps their relationship should end. Why do I care? They seem ill suited. 

It’s Airing But ...

Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) stopped at ep 2 of 12 - I’m just not into any aspect of it (except Lee Long Shi and I can watch him in Tin Tem Jai) - saving to binge if the end is solid.

Blue Sky Complex (Japan ???) 5 eps for VR - Kei Ichikawa's manga is getting a JBL adaptation. Weird distribution though, it started Feb 27 sequentially on 360 Channel (SHOCHIKUch) a VR video distribution service. Will inter-fans ever get to see this, and if it’s filmed for VR will it adapt without being overly dark and fuzzy? I have questions. But as usual, you do you Japan and we will wait (im)patiently to see if you remember the rest of the world exists. This is my preferred kind of live action yaoi, so fingers crossed.

Boyband (Thai) ep 2 of 10 - Stopped airing on YouTube, and only available in Thailand & Japan. Not sure if they’re working a distribution deal or just fucking with us.

Cafe In Love (Thai ???) 10 eps on Ch3+ - Thai pulp, about trying to save a coffee shop. FairyGodBLer came through for me, but I’m collecting to binge just in case. It’s my new policy with the grey stuff.

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV Thailand) 10 eps - it’s not on any WeTV I can get ahold of. Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets Japanese handsome host club action. Same as above.

Heesu In Class 2 (Korea Thurs unknown, I check Viki Gaga iQIYI & WeTV nada) - A gay(er) version of Sex Education. I’m still not sure this one is actually happening.

In case you missed it

I’m putting this here because I missed it: Ready?

Laos produced their version of Boys Over Flowers called Oh My 4. It is... not very good BUT 2 of the F4 have a BL arc with each other!!! (The bad boy and the musician.) You know I’ve been wanting the all gay BoF for YEARS but this is as close as we’ve gotten. Don’t ask, I have no idea how to get it all. But some of it is on YT. 

Next Week Looks Like This:

Liquors & Jack both end. 

Tomorrow: Future (Thai Sun YouTube & Gaga) ep 1 of 5 - Based on a y-novel by Faddest (En of Love) about an engineering student and a dentist. We can expect this one to be soft, it’s from the 21 Day Theory people.

3/22: Make a Wish (Thai Weds YouTube) from WaGa Creative staring Fluke Natouch (OhmFluke UWMA etc...) & Judo (The Miracle Of Teddy Bear) in a medical-fantasy. It seems to be a light-hearted romance with a comedic flair. About a doctor who sees ghosts and a deity who resides in a Bodhi tree that earns merits whenever he fulfills a wish based on a y-novel by Sammon (Manner of Death, Triage). 

Full list of upcoming in March 2023 is here.

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENT

Definitely Top 10 MINE glares (Bed Friend). 

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Team B cover of Dang Dang Dang. Look the tiny corner of my heart not occupied by BL is entire taken over by Peak Time. 

[just-run-it-out]

The weekend went by way too quickly. It’s Monday morning and my headache and sore muscles on my right shoulder blade have already come back and I’m not even in the office yet. I really considered just messaging my team leader to say I’m wfh today but I then thought about making a good impression before he goes away on leave so I’m going in. I will be wfh on Thursday tho as we’re going to the beach for the weekend and I’m not commuting 3 hours plus 2 hours of driving in one day.

Weekend things:

Started off with a weird vibe on Friday. Ordered takeaway from a burger place we’ve been to many times before and their online ordering had changed and there was no order time or confirmation. We went to the restaurant anyway and they just handed us this bag without asking us what we had in our order (first red flag - I should have also checked) and the bag was stapled shut so I didn’t really think to check. When we got home it was completely the wrong order but we didn’t have the energy to drive back so we ended up eating it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Went to the shops on Saturday to return a dress & bf got some clothes he’d been wanting

Gymmed x 2

Checked out another potential wedding venue and this one might be the one. It was definitely not as extravagant as the other one but it felt more ‘us’ which sounds super cringe but it’s the only way I can describe it. It was a lot more cozy and simple, but the options they had were straight forward and included more. The other place we viewed got off to a bad start as soon as we arrived (the person we booked to take us on a tour was mia and we had to find her, their restaurant was super understaffed and they had a huge booking arrive where there had been a miscommunication about how many guests were coming) and it was way too big and customizable for how small our wedding is. This place basically had 2 options for everything and when we arrived the person was waiting for us, knew our names and all the staff we met were lovely.

Gardened a little bit although I still have a couple of plants left to put in. It’s a slow process but I’m hoping we’ll have it done by summer.

Meal prepped for Tues/wed

I’m looking forward to having an extra day off this week. It’s also school holidays so the train is a little quieter to work which is always a good thing.

[meltwonu]

21. “First one to make a noise loses.”

49. “We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

63. “I really want to kiss you right now.”

          “Then do it.”

notes; camboy!jun, camboy!au, fwb!au, the smallest whisper of angst, sex toys, oral(fem receiving), some very soft!jun too tho~! 😩💕 Jun’s camming channel would be half mukbangs and half actual sexual content lbr KDHKJFHDS IT’D BE SUCH A RANDOM CHANNEL and I live for the idea 🤣 literally the titles would be ‘3am hot dog roller mukbang’ and the one next to it would be ‘jerking off in the shower asmr’ ☠️ and I'm here for it tbh.. LOL As always, thank you so much for requesting! Enjoy! 💕 

*edit: gonna try to fix up my masterlists either tues/weds too btw!

“First one to make a noise loses, okay?”

Your eyes threaten to pop out of their sockets as you stare up at Jun; heart beating out of your chest when he beams back at you.

“Wait, but that’s n-not fair, I--I--”

“Ah, ah, ah, I never said I’d be fair~”

His soft laughter has you biting your bottom lip and you find yourself only able to shyly look away as he settles between your legs with the vibrator in his hand again.

“My viewers seem to like watching you too. Maybe you should be a regular? You’re a natural on camera~”

You glance at the webcam recording the two of you in the moment - suddenly remembering that Jun had only invited you to film with him this one time because his followers had requested to see him with another person in his camshow and Jun had begged you for weeks to help him out.

It’d been awkward at first and you’d drunkenly yelled at him once or twice before you ultimately agreed.

After all, the two of you already had a strictly physical relationship anyway and having it recorded in a camshow at least gave you a means to remember it by when it ultimately would have to come to an end.

“You’re so fuckin wet for me... Bet I could slide my cock into your pretty ‘lil cunt right now~”

“Mmh, then do it…” Whimpering, your eyes flutter shut; only the sound of the vibrator turning on a signal that Jun was going to start his agonizingly slow teasing again.

“I’ll let you cum on this toy first and if you can be quiet, I’ll let you have my cock. How’s that sound, baby?”

Your heart skips a beat and your breath stutters; cheeks warm at the pet name he’d never used for you before.

It’s for the show. Don’t let it get to you, you tell yourself.

Nodding, you let him do his thing - jolting when you feel the vibrator press snug right against your clit in an instant.

Jun doesn’t say a word either; instead, he watches your face contort in pleasure and watches the way you squirm underneath him when he drags the toy through your folds and teases your entrance with the tip before he slowly starts to slide it into your cunt.

You can only bite your lip to prevent yourself from crying out and Jun can see the way you try to hold back - a smug smirk on his lips when he starts to shallowly thrust the toy into you a few times before he pulls it back out and goes back to teasing your clit again.

He repeats this action a few times, properly teasing you and turning off the toy when he feels your body tensing up underneath him to prevent you from cumming.

‘She wants to cum sooo bad lmao’

‘Jun’s not very fair either… not that he said he would be heh 😏’

‘He wants to punish her so bad and she wants it’

The comments and donations are double of what Jun normally rakes in, but he’s more focused on getting you to break and make a noise to even pay attention to what his viewers are even saying about the two of you.

‘The way he’s looking at her so intensely tho…’

‘Are they dating? Jun’s never mentioned her’

‘Maybe she's just shy?’

Jun takes the toy off of your sticky, wet skin and you’re quick to bite your bottom lip to hold in the shaky whimper that threatens to spill out of you.

 You watch through teary eyes as he brings the toy to his mouth and licks off your wetness instead.

Fuck.

You’re milliseconds away from throwing all caution into the wind and facing whatever consequences Jun has up his sleeve for making a noise first, but it’s Jun that breaks the silence.

“Goddamn it, I can’t fuckin’ not talk to you. I want you to cum on my tongue so fuckin’ bad, you taste so fuckin’ good.”

He tosses the toy to the side and readjusts himself between your legs as fast as he can - tongue already lapping at your soaking folds as your fingertips tangle into his hair.

“O-oh god, J--Jun!”

He doesn’t bother to start off slow; quick, harsh flicks of his tongue against your clit before he’s sucking the sensitive nub into his mouth. “Fuh--fuck, please, m-make me cum, I’m so close!”

Your moans and whines spill freely now that Jun's broken the silence and you lt yourself give into the pleasure as your orgasm washes over your body while Jun works you through it. 

“Mmnh, Juuuuun...” 

Your entire body buzzes from your head to your toes curling against Jun’s warm back and he lets you ride out your pleasure as he alternates between flicking at your sensitive clit and shallowly thrusting his tongue into your entrance as you moan above him. 

“Now I wanna feel your cock filling me up and making me cum... Please?”

Jun ends his show after he gets you to cum two more times - once by his cock snug between your fluttering walls and another after he’s cum inside your cunt and eats you out one more time. 

He makes a disgruntled noise when you move to sit up; leaning on his side as he watches you sit on the edge of the bed. 

“You wanna shower and then get a late dinner? I’m starved!” 

“Um, no I was gonna get going, it’s kinda late so...” You awkwardly sit facing away from Jun - eyes peering down between your legs at the cum drying on your inner thighs. “I have errands I gotta run in the morning anyway.” 

He raises a brow at your back, hand on your shoulder as he turns you to face him. “You okay? You can stay over, you know. I don’t mind, and you helped me out with my camshow ‘n stuff.” 

“No, ‘cause that’s just it. I did my ‘job’ so I should get going.” You end up replying to him in a much more clipped manner than you intend and the grip he has on your shoulder tightening is enough to let you know that he’s getting a little more than concerned. 

“Is that it? You only showed up ‘cause I told you I’d pay you 40% of what we made?” 

“Well? Is there any other reason? I got bills to pay too, Jun. And it’s not like we’re dating. We’re just friends that fuck, soooo...” 

You know you’ve hit a nerve when Jun growls; hand tugging you back until your  underneath him again. 

“We’re not just friends and you fucking know it.”

Rolling your eyes, you move to push Jun off of you as he only pushes you harder against his crumpled bed sheets. “It’s okay, Jun! You don’t have to lie! You only asked me to show up on your camshow because people asked you to have someone on it with you, I get it! It’s okay, it made sense, that’s why I agreed!”

“God, just shut up for one second,” Jun rolls his eyes as you scoff, “Yeah, I invited you on because people did ask, and I get maybe that wasn’t the smartest thing to do, or maybe it doesn’t matter but I like you, okay? So can you just stay  the night and then we can talk about it when we’re both not sweaty and dirty as fuck?” 

“You’re really good with convincing me to stay, Jun.” You deadpan; internally giddy despite your outward façade of being annoyed still. “But fine, we can talk it over in the morning.” 

Jun lets out a sigh of relief, rolling over onto his side as you stay on your back, staring at the ceiling. 

“Damn, I really wanna kiss you right now. Is that okay or is it too soon?”

You roll you eyes again, this time jokingly as you ease onto your side to watch him beam back at you. 

“Then do it. I’ll take it as payment for you losing earlier.”

[ceruleanchillin]

5 Day Stay

| Or, Angel down bad for a week |

Angel x F!Reader

Warnings: language, infidelity, Angst (?), lil bit chili spice at the end

Mon:

Angel felt he was too young to consistently feel so bone-tired, yet that’s how his day had been ending for weeks now. Sometimes it was all he could do to get off his bike and make it to the door, only to have to rest his head against it to prepare to make it to the couch and collapse.

Tonight was one of those nights, and he wanted to be dead to the world until it dragged him back into it.

It was the smell of mixed spices that hit him first. It felt like he was in suspended animation, and slowly being released as different things started to register to him.

His TV was on, someone was rummaging through his kitchen, and music played faintly from his desk. Thinking back to the last time an unwanted guest was in his kitchen, he placed a hand on the holstered knife fastened to his back.

The fridge door closed, and you appeared in the window, eyes focused intently on whatever you were cooking on the stove.

He exhaled, feeling like complete shit. It only spoke to how weary his mind was that he could forget you were staying with him for the next week. Especially after the conversation that led to it.

“I don’t know Angel…really I can afford a motel for a few days.”

“Here? Rusted-through pipes will be the last thing your landlord is worried about when you bring back bedbugs and shit.”

Your eyes had widened at that, but still you brought up the thing that had been chained to your hesitation. “I mean….do you think it’s ok to do this? After we…Nails..Ang-“

He remembered a flash of irritation, more so at himself than you, when you said that. “Yes querida, fuck. If you’re so scared, I most likely won’t even be there the way things are going. Nails is out of town til’ next weekend…”

“Relax Ignacio.” you had cut your eyes at him, and he’d felt his dick jump like it did whenever you gave him attitude. “I’m just not trying to be a problem.”

Your voice calling his name brought him to the present. He caught the last part of your statement, that you didn’t know he’d be back.

“Yeah, we got in earlier than expected.”

“While you’re standing there like a weirdo, let me shame you real quick. How does a man in his thirties still have the kitchen of a frat boy?” You leaned on the sill of the divider. “You’re lucky I already knew you were sad in the kitchen. I had to bring my own tagine.”

He stepped into the kitchen, his stomach coming alive with interest. “One, I don’t know what that is, two, I can’t help it if the kitchen isn’t my preferred room of work.”

He peeked over your shoulder, but the unique pot kept him from seeing what you were making.

“Neither is the bedroom, unless that work is piling up dirty laundry.” you stuck your tongue out at him and turned back to your simmering dish.

“Ha ha. Dinner and a show, she does it all folks!” he collapsed at the table, the day catching back up with him. “Should put your ass on the club’s payroll. End the cashflow problem real quick.”

You turned to him, concern etched on your face. “I heard from Hank about that…sorry. I know now isn’t a great time for that at all.”

Things got awkward like they always did when you referenced the recent changes of his life. He wasn’t sad about getting another chance at fatherhood, this one more tangible than the last. However, he wasn’t entirely sold on everything he’d accepted along with it, and he was pretty sure you at least suspected that. It threw the previously comfortable confusion that was your relationship off track when it was touched on.

“No, it’s not.” was all he could manage.

It was quiet for a beat, the simmering of the food and quiet Neo Soul the only sounds.

“Well,” you started, turning off the burner. “At least you don’t have to eat like a ‘we got food at the house’ meme for once.”

He laughed, a genuine and needed laugh. “Ok, you know what? Keep talking about my pantry stocking skills, and I might take it personally.”

The rest of his night went that way. Anytime you and Angel got together, things were just…easy…better. You spent the evening eating in front of the TV (Angel getting all the way to thirds for what turned out to be olive chicken and roasted potatoes), trading jokes, and going over the finer points of Golden Girls. Angel learned you took it very seriously, and mocked you for being “old”.

It wasn’t until you were nodding off, and he was left with his own thoughts, that he realized he hadn’t enjoyed coming home this much since he moved in.

Tues:

Angel had dreamed he’d been back in his childhood home, but as a grown man. There was music coming from his parent’s room, and when he got to the doorway, his mom was at her dressing table. She hummed along to the soulful seventies music and smiled at him from the mirror. She said something, but he couldn’t make it out, and woke up in the frustration.

He jerked up from his position on his stomach, and slowly came to. With a grunt he wiped his hand down his face, glancing at his phone to find it was six in the afternoon.

It then occurred to him the music wasn’t just in his dream, it was coming from his bathroom. He got off the couch and followed the sound.

“Hey coma head.” you grinned at him from where you were doing your makeup.

He shook his head, trying to let go of the last vestiges of the dream, and how eerie the scene before him was.

He focused instead on the nightmare of products and alien looking tools surrounding you.

He kind of liked the mess, even if he couldn’t see the counter anymore.

“Hey hurricane Ulta.”

You made a face that was a cross between being amused and suspicious. “You sleep in your jeans and buy your shirts in pack form. Don’t act like you know what that is.”

He made a face of mock offense. “That’s so classist.”

This time you paused completely in you what you were doing and twisted your body to meet him. “Uh oh…let me find out you’re actually learning something from EZ.”

“Angel Reyes can know something about something, damn.”

You laughed, lowering your hands from where you’d been lining your eyes to avoid a mistake. “I’m only teasing you Angel Reyes.”

“Looks like you plan on teasing more than me. Some clown is gonna get his hopes and tiny dick up for nothing.”

“There’s this new club in the city that Belinda’s getting us into. It’s bad luck to buy your own drinks on the first night at a new place.” you adjusted the bodycon mini-dress for emphasis. “You doing anything?”

“Club shit.” he started picking through the products, sniffing them every so often. “Then I think I’ve got a call with Nails at some point.”

“You think?” you popped his hands when he got too close to the good stuff, or the things you were using currently.

“Yeah..I think.” he shrugged, only realizing how short he sounded when you winced.

He didn’t know why he got so annoyed when she was brought up around you. He wasn’t like that with anyone else, and he knew you were only trying to support his incoming changes.

“Ok..”

Awkward silence settled in before he found the words to break it.

“Why do you wanna know? You want me to be that clown?”

“Never.” you pinched his cheek, tone pure saccharine jest.

He muttered in Spanish, stepping around you to the toilet.

“Angel!” you exclaimed.

“What?! It’s my bathroom, I have to piss.”

“You better never make me angry Reyes, I could end your whole Casanova game with ease."

Wed:

“You holding on a little tight there mami!” Angel called over his shoulder with a laugh. “You said go fast."

“Shut up!” you giggled, but he wasn’t lying.

You’d asked Angel to take you to work on his bike since even though you spent so much time with bikers, you hardly got to ride one. You were going to the same place anyways. He had been all too happy to shake up his commute, but your speed challenge took it over the top.

He didn’t know how you were up so early, he personally felt like the bags under his eyes were like a PEZ dispenser. You’d gotten in at two am, and still got up with him at eight.

He loved watching you in the morning, you managed to be cheerful without being obnoxious, and it worked better than coffee for him.

He loved how much he was learning about you.

As he pulled onto the street beside the cafe you’d asked him to stop at, he felt your arms uncoil from around him. He may have pretended to shift just to make you pause and hold him a few seconds longer, but he wasn’t going to acknowledge that.

“I didn’t scream, and I’m not shaking, so you still have to buy my breakfast.” You unclipped your helmet, grinning the whole time.

You looked so pretty to him, with the sun hitting your eyes and hair just right. He could catch you at just the right moment, and you’d look so gorgeous, he struggled to believe you were real.

He cleared his throat, afraid his voice would crack if he didn’t. “Fair enough, come break my pockets then.”

You laughed, squeezing his chin and pointing out his pout. “You don’t even have to tell me once sir, I know my worth.”

Once inside, he trailed after you to the counter, using your head like an arm rest when you reached it. “That’s good.”

“Boy!” You swatted his hand away, and it was his turn to laugh at your adorable pout.

“New bet,” he stepped around you while the customer ahead of you wrapped up. “If I get your entire order just right, you buy lunch.”

“Deal.” you leaned on the counter, eyebrow raised at him in challenge.

Angel knew the best part of his day would be watching your expression go from smug to shocked out of the corner of his eye. He nailed every pastry, the iced coffee, and their preparation with ease.

The simultaneously impressed and amused barista looked to you for confirmation. She got a shocked nod in response.

“I know my worth too mama, so don’t skimp on lunch.”

“Fair enough.” You shook off your shock as you repeated his earlier words and shrugged. “Can’t complain I guess. I trained my work husband too well.”

He scoffed loudly, and the two of you went back to swapping smart ass barbs while he tried to ignore the lingering dip his stomach did when referred to him as “husband”.

Thurs:

Angel was a grown man, with years of grown man experience, yet he was sitting on the edge of his bed feeling like a teenager again.

The end of your stay was nearing, and every time he thought about you going back home, he felt weird. He was pretty sure that’s why he’d been a little snappy and annoyed easily at the club the past couple days. He just wasn’t ready to delve into that too much.

Regardless, he had to admit you had some growing effect over him. All morning, while he should’ve been resting and preparing for a charter visit, he was fighting off hard-ons thanks to you.

“Can I borrow your kitchen for the day Angel?” He mimicked your voice in a nasally mocking tone. “I’ll save you some when I’m done baking.”

He’d thought nothing of it when you asked the night before. Really didn’t even feel like you had to at that point.

He realized why when he saw that the desserts you were making for your friend’s brunch were elaborate as hell. The effort took all your attention, and unfortunately for him, his too.

You were baking a lot more than dessert and didn’t even know it.

Now he was hiding in his room, fighting off arousal he knew wasn’t appropriate. You weren’t his and he wasn’t yours.

That didn’t change the fact that you in a short silk lounge set, singing in French (how the hell did you know French?), doing domestic things in his home, did it for him.

He ran a hand over his hair, still damp from his cold shower, and forced himself to finish getting dressed. He had to be ready to face a room of dangerous bikers and prove his patched in worth. He couldn’t be thinking of weird little fantasies and parallels to his parent’s marriage.

He must’ve zoned out again, because you startled him enough to almost make him hit his wardrobe.

“Oh my god Angel try this! I think I did magic.” You excitedly thrust a red cookie his way.

Angel took the offered treat, and found it was a red velvet cookie. “It’s fucking good mi dulce.”

“Really?” You looked so hopeful, so beautiful, that he would’ve lied if the situation called for it.

“Yes, but you know you kill it in the kitchen.” He turned away to put on the flannel he’d fished out.

Now you were in his personal space, smelling amazing, and all his senses were under attack. He couldn’t trust Angel jr. at the moment.

“Baking is different. It’s a whole thing for me...I go all in.”

“I noticed your little Broadway production in my kitchen.” He kneeled down, pretending to look for his shoes as something to do while you were there.

“Don’t shame me.” You pressed your foot into his back, gently pushing him. “It makes for better results.”

‘shit.’ He cursed mentally at the contact.

Luckily, he heard you turn to leave the room. “Oh, EZ said to tell you to hurry up or pick up your phone.”

He rose up once you were gone and checked his phone. Sure enough, he had several missed calls and texts from Gilly, Coco, and EZ. He cursed aloud this time and finished getting ready, determined not to get distracted again.

Of course, his boys having to physically come in and get him when he did just that destroyed that promise.

Fri:

It had come down to the last night of your stay with him, and what he thought was a favor to a good friend, turned out to be more for his benefit.

The hell with the club seemed so far away when he was home now, and he’d laughed more times that week than he had the previous few months total.

Tonight though… Tonight had him so in his head he didn’t know if he was coming or going.

You, sensing something was going on with him, had invited EZ and Felipe to dinner. He didn’t know how you got the latter to agree, his dad had never even been in his home before, but you did it. It went over a hell of a lot better than the last time they tried it too.

The missteps that reared their head when his family tried to talk to each other at length were mitigated by you. You were the perfect buffer, able to get them to engage with you and then each other.

He saw his family in an unfamiliar, but favorable light. His father was actually enjoying his time with him in his house. He knew that night wouldn’t have happened if not for you.

Now, as he distractedly dried the dishes you’d washed, listening to you hit all of the high notes in Loving You, it hit him.

‘She should be my wife’ the thought came so quick, and was so loud he almost jumped, confused if it came from him or someone else.

“Hey dishwasher-less!” you nudged him with your hip. “Move those hands.”

“Why can’t we be a thing?” he blurted.

You dropped the silverware you’d been washing, eyes wide and focused on him. “Um..excuse m-…what?”

He knew that wasn’t the most tactful way to introduce his thoughts to you, but it was his way. Fuck…he didn’t even understand them fully himself.

“You heard me querida,” he put the dish down on the counter, turning to you. “When I stayed with you that weekend that my head was all fucked up-“

“Angel.” your tone made it a warning, but he kept going. He was never afraid of a challenge.

“I was inside you so much that weekend I forgot that’s not how I came in this world. I can’t believe I’m saying it out loud, but I felt home cause I was with you-”

“Stop it!” you hit the sink, rattling the contents.

“Fuck that!” he shouted back, startling you both. He stayed silent for a moment before speaking in a calmer tone. “Fuck that. Why can’t we talk about it? Why couldn’t we talk about it then?”

You didn’t say anything, but he saw your chest heaving with adrenaline, and realized you were just as affected by the conversation as he was.

“You just decided it didn’t matter and put it in this space we can’t touch now. It’s all fucked up!”

“Because,” you hissed. “If you remember, it was all over that Adelita chick, and I don’t know what kind of hold she has or had over you, but it was deep.”

He cringed at that, and turned his attention to the light fixture over your head, unable to meet your heated gaze.

“Whatever feelings I have for you Angel, I put them away in a place where I can still be your friend and keep things in perspective.”

“Feelings you have for me?” he latched on to the lack of past tense, hopeful.

You inhaled sharply. “You are having a baby and just got engaged. What is wrong with you?”

“Nothing..I mean a lot, but nothing to do with this. I know-“

“I know,” you pushed away from the sink and reached up to cup his cheeks. “That you’re scared Angel. You’re scared, because you’re gonna take two steps you’ve never taken before at once, and you’re trying to sabotage it.”

He shook his head, taking your hands from his face and holding them tightly in his own. “No..mi dulce, no. I’ve been struggling with this all week, longer if I’m being honest. Tonight sealed it.”

You snorted humorlessly, looking around the kitchen as if something in the room would help you get through to him. “I cook you some big boy meals, and treat your speakers to some musical taste, and you’re ready for vows?”

“Don’t put this all on me. Tell me you don’t feel it. Right here and now, to my face.”

He watched your expression soften, and let you put one hand back on his face, your thumb gently stroking his cheek. “Ok, I can’t do that, but I also can’t just fall into a situation with you either.”

He scoffed and shook his head. “We both know we didn’t just fall into anything. We sat here and let it build and didn’t say shit, and now I have to. This week just made it too real not to.”

He placed his forehead to yours, his own hands cupping your face. “Please…”

He watched you have an internal battle by your changing features before you finally leaned into him. The moment you did, his lips were on yours.

He knew it was more than just a kiss a few seconds in. Everything he’d felt that the previous week was alive and confirmed between you too. He could feel you telling him you had moments like his own.

He palmed your thighs under your sundress before grasping them tightly and lifting you up. He placed you on the counter while you two separated for air. Your chests heaved in unison, and neither of you had to say you wanted the other touching you again before it happened.

He gripped your hair, tilting your head back for access to your neck. The smell of vanilla and cocoa butter surrounded him as he worked his mark all over your skin.

Your legs wrapped around his waist, and you pressed yourself against his jeans.

He hated he couldn’t feel the heat he knew was emitting from your core through the thick material of his jeans, and slid his other hand up your thigh to your panties.

Your entire body twitched when he ran his fingers over you through the thin cloth. It wasn’t just hot it was soaked.

“You need me that bad mami?” he pulled away from your neck, satisfied with his work, and beginning to work at his jeans.

“And quick.” you breathed into his ear, your tone and the sensation making him shudder.

The ache against his jeans didn’t need to be told twice to find its way into your heat. He slid your panties to side and pressed his thumb against you. You jumped, whimpering your need again, and he pulled your panties way from you.

You’d gotten them around one ankle before he was inside of you, and they were no longer your focus.

You clung to each other so tightly there’d be evidence on both of you.

In the quiet, he wondered if your mind was racing with the same thoughts that his was. What now? How do we get this again?

He pressed kisses to your cheek just as he started to move. You inhaled, your nails sliding down his back. Not quite catching the skin, but enough to set him on fire all the same.

He mapped out a rhythm by your whimpers and how you grasped at him until he crafted the right one.

This was the conversation he’d needed. Every thrust from him, every cry from you, every bit of give and take to heighten the other’s pleasure. The two of you were admitting that everything that was between you was deeper, realer than you’d wanted to admit. He loved you, and you loved him, and you were engraving that on one another.

The flirtation, the way you could be yourselves around each other, the heatless jabs. Good friends was always a ruse.

Your face was buried in his neck, and when he felt dampness he knew came from your tears, he hiked your legs higher, moving deeper.

You cried out so loudly it echoed in the kitchen, drowning out the soft crooning of an eighties songstress.

“I know baby, I feel it too.” his voice was choked by the threat of tears of his own.

He’d never been here before. Not with Adelita, not even close with Nails. He was terrified. Terrified for it to end because he never felt so good. Terrified for it to end because it might never happen again.

“Angel..” your voice sounded so small, but it was strong enough to anchor him back with you. “I’m close, I’m so close.”

“Let go,” he encouraged. “Let me have it querida.”

Your body seized up with your release, his name the only thing he caught in your unintelligible babble.

You clenched up repeatedly in the aftershocks, and that drug him over the edge with you, biting your shoulder.

His vision tunneled, pinpricks of pleasure traveling up and down his spine. Your hands smoothed up and down the area, and he realized it was because he was shuddering.

He gripped the counter for support, pulling back slowly. He was searching for a way to ask if he’d changed your mind, but the act hadn’t made words for his thoughts any easier to find.

It didn’t matter, before he could even speak you stopped him. Your eyes were glazed over with tears that had nothing to do with pleasure this time.

“That was all that I can give you Angel. It’s not right, none of this is, but it’s all I can give you.”

AN:

Am I the only one who wishes she had reference photos for their home/club layouts? Lol, it’s such a weird non-factor thing, but still. From memory, I’m pretty sure Angel only has one bedroom though.

No shade, no hate but this was partially inspired by how over Nails Angel looked when she was putting her back into it….🥴

I played with a few canon-timeline things + knocked the dust off my smut writing ability (I’m going under my humiliation rock now, no calls plz)

[1d-discourseoftheday]

💙 Tues 5 Jan ‘21 💚

Is today's biggest story really a pair of socks I mean WHY NOT am I right, that may as well happen! With impeccable timing, as the fandom and the world went bananas about Ho-livia WildStyle (a drag queen name for the ages right there), the first of the limited edition TPWK socks that people ordered basically on blind faith (you fully couldn't tell what they were going to look like at all on the website, and now we know why lmao) have arrived with a bang: they seemed to come with either blue or pink hearts, but in fact it turns out you get one of two color combos, either pink and white or, uh: BLUE AND GREEN HEARTS. I'm not one to carry on about like jeans and a green shirt or what have you but this is a CHOICE, and if the antis don't have performative burnings of their evil larrie merch honestly WHAT is the POINT; the resale market of the limited edition socks is already booming though so there's always that option, if either side can bear to conduct business across the divide. My question is, did they really time it to play out this precisely on purpose? Unlikely tbh, but if that's a thing they're capable of I have some THOUGHTS about the way other Harry merch takes like 4 months to arrive...

Larrie socks aside however, the real discourse continues to be about you-know-what, with the players out there fanning the flames wildly. There's too much nonsense to bother with it all (the quoted sources in the articles directly contradicting each other's stories also makes it difficult) so let's just... *spins wheel*....okay I landed on 'tabloids say Harry's wedding speech talked about his girlfriend Olivia' here goes. Sjksdfjks WHY would you be talking about your girlfriend of three weeks in a speech for your close friends' wedding, OMG, how uncomfortable and inappropriate is that?? Imagine if any of this were real, that Harry ('I'd take my time and make sure a thing was serious before telling people about it', end quote, I mean that's ALSO a stunt quote (oh the layers) but just pointing out that it's contradictory) starts dating his co-worker who just got out of a huge relationship and is also a famous person with presumably an interest in privacy, and immediately the two of you get to work setting up a big reveal to happen right away (even in a weird fantasy world where any of this is real the possibility that JEFF AZOFF'S WEDDING had the paps present for any other reason than to do EXACTLY what they were told is flat impossible- what pap or celeb outlet can afford to be on Jeff's bad list?!) and then he casually writes her into his speech (a guy who's so anxious and shy about public speaking and what to say that he begs people to write speeches for him and practices endlessly) uh huh, sure Jan. There are so many things about this that are ludicrous, but more to the point, none of the things they're saying hold up to scrutiny any better than this. There just isn't any point in taking them that seriously though; Harry is a closeted artist and, just like the many queer artists that came before him who he repeatedly reminds us are his icons, he both lets us know all day every day in a million ways that he's queer, and also plays the industry game and winkingly gives the press their Straight Guy Harry fodder. You don't have to like it, or indeed anything at all in this world, but people do need to accept that whether they like it or not is neither the point nor anyone (including Harry)'s responsibility to respond to or do anything about.

Like I said I can't cover every detail but! I always have a little space for the absurd: today, our best entrant is the possibility that the whole wedding we saw was a sham– fans ask, was this public spectacle Jeff and Glenne's actual wedding? Listen if anyone would be up for it it would be this crew, and if they did stage it I'm sure they had a good laugh! Suspicion has been cast on Glenne's dress (allegedly an untailored 2018 off the rack number), the small guest list (wouldn't they just wait and have a huge event?), and the fact that they invited paps there at all. It would make the no explanation robe pics EVEN FUNNIER though if you imagine that was for our benefit but left totally unadressed (undressed). ANYWAY Don't Worry Darling filming is back in business and Harry was papped some more today, out for a casual not at all pap walk hike with a work associate and multiple items of his own merch (including an unreleased hoodie design.) On the topic of DWD, sometimes a different perspective can be interesting-- for example considering whether Harry is the point of all this at all? Or is he but a bit player in the real DWD publicity drama, an elaborate and very public dramatic reconciliation between Olivia and her ex husband? Either way, he's neither a clueless dupe, a helpless pawn, or anyone's 'boy toy', so please: can we rein in the hand wringing and pointless Olivia bashing a bit?

Let's talk about something else shall we? For example! Liam's setlist, just released for the upcoming LP Show Act 4. Look at that song selection! Fireproof! Strong!! Through The Dark!! More exciting 1D faves! Plus Slow and Home With You off his EP, NICE, singles and more, it looks awesome. The Hugo Man fragrance relaunch is less exciting, featuring the dopiest possible articles full of chat about his skin care routine (oh shucks I'm just  manly man, I don't have one at all... *names two products and refers to 'multiple moisturizers'*), trademark accidental candor (“I’m quite tired!”), and of course trying to describe a fragrance, always an entertaining gymnastics (“every time I spray it, it kind of takes me back to being on that rooftop in Berlin”), but also there are manly new pics of Lia.

A new song Niall co-wrote is coming out! The JC Stewart song, Break My Heart, will be out this Fri! Charlie Lightening posted pics from a year ago on the Walls music video set, featuring an intent Louis in the sun (and fashion voter underrated excellent Looks), and Louis commented on Dave Allen's post (“top man!”)-- the famous boxer is offering to help friends through lockdown by facetiming 3or 4 people a day for home workouts, damn, and also aww. That shitty Doncaster secondary school turned out some really sweet dudes, against all odds tbh. With Los Angeles experiencing some of the worst COVID surges we've seen since the beginning of the pandemic, Grammys organizers have elected to postpone the (already limited) ceremony. Originally scheduled for Jan 31 it is now TBA, tentatively for March. Harry's stalker, who menaced him in and near his London home in 2019, is being charged with violating his restraining order by attempting to contact Harry via social media, Global Fund for Women thanked Harry for donating, and HLDaily and other accounts were suspended for posting pap pics, always a risk, but one trick potato Jeff is on the job; HSD is back up and running, cause they can't have a proper stunt season without their most faithful mouthpieces. Niall continues to vote for himself on twitter threads about what to listen to in the New Year.

[gerrydelano]

pretty unhappy with lonely depot. just gonna get really pissed about ableism and systematic & public discrimination i’ve faced/am apparently still facing real quick. by that i mean i fell down one hell of a rabbit hole trying to just document what’s going on with my job right now and you definitely do not have to read this.

EDIT 8/24/2020: i decided to just compile all my posts about this situation and the replies to put at the bottom of this so i can have it all be in one place/clean things up, and then just round it off with the conclusion that was reached today. mostly for posterity and for myself, no worries.

and here’s a link to the asks i received about this, all of which were very kind!

CW for ableism; harassment; brief mention of a physical assault; brief mention of rape commentary used as harassment; betrayal in general; bullying; discrimination; some caps lock in places

so, as you all know, i’m extremely disabled. 

to put it fairly simply, a 4 hour shift at work knocks me out immediately from the time i get home, and then i spend the entire next day laid up in bed if i can’t get to the living room (usually can, but that’s about it), and then i sleep in until the last minute before i have to go in for the next shift. as in, i literally only get up because i have no choice.

so, working a 12 hour week (4 hour shifts MWF) is already pushing it for me. THAT is already pushing my body’s limitations. do i wish i were able to do more? yeah. would i do more if i could? yeah. do i like being in this much pain all the time? absolutely the fuck not. 

is it harder on you than it is on me? wow. imagine if that were the case.

my boss waited till the last minute to ask me to come back because i was doing better on unemployment and with the reduced hours it wasn’t really necessary for a while. eventually, they needed the third person back - reminder: this staff consists of my manager, the assistant manager, and me the part-time keyholder. that is it. - so that hours could be covered because poor fucking mike was so overworked and i felt so bad for him g-d. 

i wasn’t sure what would fuck my finances up worse. either i don’t take the job back and i lose qualification, or i take the job back and only get $12 per hour for a 12 hour work week, and it’s taxed pretty badly. which is significantly less fucking sustainable in general. if i said no, he’d have to terminate me, which i thought would Really disqualify me from unemployment but apparently might’ve saved me haha oops! great.

so, took the job back. after my first shift, i was in actual agony to the point of a sobbing breakdown the next morning from being in so much pain. i was already in a flare up for the past few weeks and it’s been a bad time for me, but that really drove the nail in.

wednesday morning, i wake up to a texted schedule. two full weeks in a row where i’d be scheduled for 5 days in a row, 30 hours, doing my usual 4 hour shifts tues thurs sat, but wed and fri were 10 am to 7:30 pm. so, like. the entire recovery day i physically need would then be spent doing More work than what BROKE me in the first place.

because i’m not allowed to sit at my job despite him knowing i’m disabled in this way. 

next day i went back, wednesday, i brought ren in with me just to stand guard as i talked to my boss about how either he needs to let me have a stool behind the counter, or i cannot do this job. i cannot put my health on the line for that long and in such a way that i know would absolutely destroy my body. 

it’s humiliating, in a way, but that’s the internalized ableism and the capitalist conditioning. i’d love to be able to work that! except i wouldn’t love it, i just don’t want to be seen as weak or lazy for being this hurt. i’m hurt. i’m constantly hurt. it hurts to exist. i can’t even do the things i love, i can’t sit and write on my laptop, that’s all i even want to be able to do and when i am hurting like that, i can’t do it at all.

that’s not worth it. literally just forcing myself to be in pain just to be in worse pain the next day and repeat it over and over again with NO redeeming quality to the job is not worth it! the job SUCKS. the setup SUCKS. the money SUCKS. it isn’t worth KILLING myself.

so, yeah. i told him this limitation and asked if i could at the very least just bring in a stool to sit on so that i can do my job - which is 100% a reasonable accommodation that would be so easy to just let me have - and he absolutely did not get it.

at first, he’s just like, “you can’t sit behind the counter, period. we can’t have that, it’s unprofessional and against policy. every time the DM has come in here to check the store he’s fired someone for sitting down.”

cool! that’s disgusting, for one, but second: i’m disabled and i need it.

he flapped his hands at the phone and shrugged snidely like, “you can call him right now! go ahead!” in this sort of challenging and mocking way, and i’m like. absolutely petrified because i know for a fucking fact that if i - the lowest rung worker here - were to call the district manager myself to tell him “hey i need a stool so i can do this job,” he would humiliatingly tell me no and have none of the conversation.

it is my boss’ fucking job to stand up for me here, i think. and just fucking say HE will talk to dave and get me the g-ddamn permission to use a stool in order to do this extra work that i am ONLY being forced to do because THEY are forcing john to take 2 weeks vacation to collect a certain benefit that they put off for him when he COULD have taken it during covid closing! this is ALL dave’s fault!

but now it looks like my fault for bailing out when john needs me~ even though i was only given 2 weeks notice that this was even a thing, it was sprung on me so suddenly that if i were to quit and say “find someone else,” they wouldn’t even be able to find someone in time.

john does this thing when he wants to win an “argument.” he stares off into the distance and acts very hurt and personally attacked when i say anything to the effect of, “this isn’t how it should be.”

i had to reassure him that i wasn’t accusing HIM of writing the policies himself, and that i’m saying the problem lies with the higher-ups if they are literally going to deny a disabled person a fucking stool when that is the one thing they need in order to do the job.

“i’ve never worked a retail job where i’ve been allowed to sit.” cool! that should be fucking illegal depending and also just because it’s the norm does not mean it’s acceptable!

“this is why there’s a chair at the back room and a bell in the door, so you can sit for a few minutes and get up when someone comes in.” cool! lately, there is always about 5 people in the store at every given moment cycling in and out and i don’t even have the time to go and use the restroom much less take a five minute sit-down that won’t even help me anyway because that’s not what i need for my disability to be manageable.

“well, when my back was bad that’s what i would do.” cool! i don’t have just a bad back! my legs are shaking right now as i’m talking to you about how the 4 hour shift two days ago put me out of commission in the first place!

this is a FUCKING BOOKSTORE. not even JUST a bookstore but a CRAPPY bookstore where we NEVER have what someone is asking for, the shelves are barren and pathetic, the actual books we have are AWFUL, no one knows we are even Here or Exist, we barely get business during most of the year even though it’s only booming NOW because people were going stir cr*zy during quarantine, we BARELY make ANY revenue, it’s a complete shit show to the point of constantly questioning whether it’s a g-ddamn mob front or something.

but it’s a fucking bookstore! in what world does someone walk into a bookstore, see a clerk sitting on a tall stool and still above the counter (who is in less pain and therefore even more alert and friendly) and go “that’s so unprofessional, fuck this entire establishment!”

NO WORLD THAT I LIVE IN, DUDE!

if i go into a store and see that the clerks can sit, i’m filled with RELIEF because, well, thank G-D you get to sit down! thank g-d you’re not on your feet! 

this place HAS no dignity to preserve, much less dignity that Could be preserved by denying disabled employees with reasonable accommodation that they’re actively willing to purchase and provide for themselves to begin with? it shouldn’t even NEED to be an issue! WHY does dave need to know i need a stool! HE’S IN INDIANA MOST OF THE TIME ANYWAY! why is it even RELEVANT! who cares! who gfucking cares! not a single person in the world should care!!!!

so, john was pretty adamant that dave would say no, but he said he’d call him the next day before work (thursday, so this past day) and tell him what’s up and try to get this for me. he “promised” me that he wasn’t going to paint me as some kind of unreasonable bad guy over the phone and whatnot, etc, as if that’s... what i thought he’d do... and he said he’d text me to let me know what was said, either right after the conversation or after he closed the store.

(he also said “yeah also if you’re in the area tomorrow you could swing by and we can talk in person!” and i’m like. yeah, john, because after all of the time i just spent telling you i need the entire free day to recuperate so that i can move to even come back for my next shift, i’m going to drive out here just to talk to you for five minutes about our ableist DM when you could just FUCKING text me “he said yes/no.” like. fucking pardon me.)

and guess who was not reached out to all day.

but then i check facebook randomly, see. and what do i see? what do i see?

a job posting from lonely depot trying to fill my position! that i was not formally dismissed from, or talked to about. he posted it at noon, and if he could do that, he sure could have texted me to let me know whether dave said yes or no to the g-ddamn stool request.

we had already discussed briefly that if i didn’t get this fucking stool, i’d have no choice but to leave. even if i did get it, i have no way of knowing whether i’d even survive. he asked if i could finish the week and also next week, i said yeah sure, but we said i wouldn’t make any rash calls period until we heard what dave said about the g-ddamn stool.

and then i get ghosted and they post a job listing. 

so, tomorrow i go in and mike is going to be doing the morning shift so i’ll get to talk to HIM about all of this and frankly i am this close to convincing HIM to quit, too, because HE’S BEEN WANTING TO. he needs a better job this one isn’t cutting it for him and he’s looking for a new one and he’s overworked like hell and if they really are dismissing me over this he’s gonna get EVEN MORE fucked over, this is! absolutely ridiculous!

but there’s only three employees, ha ha! john needs us! 

well fuck that, LITERALLY fuck this entire store, they damn well better have a good explanation for this because i swear to g-d. even if they said no and tried to keep me there, that’s STILL an ADA violation and i COULD raise hell over it. but now they’re potentially just dismissing me before i made the decision to walk out over the potential no???? nuh uh. not happening, that’s fucking vile.

so anyway, this is looking like it’s just going to be another one of the many experiences i’ve amassed over time where authority figures in charge of disability accommodations actively screw me over with a refusal when i need one (1) simple thing to get through something that i would not be able to get through without it. 

this is why i had to drop out of university during my very last semester. the literal disability accommodations office refused me an accommodation i needed to graduate, after putting myself through HELL not only academically but with an abusive roommate for 3 years, because “my grades were too good to prove that i needed it.” y’know, because i withdrew from courses instead of LETTING myself fail to prove a point, because i had a scholarship i could not afford to lose. 

and then when i went to ask the lady where she got the information to make that call, she screamed at me in the lobby and then called campus police on me when i slammed the push bar to LEAVE the office. i was LEAVING after she SCREAMED at me and she called campus fucking police and i had to go sit and talk to someone about it and i read this disgusting account of how Aggressive and Demanding and Unhinged i was for being devastated that she took 4 years of my life away from me with one bad judgment of the “amount” i’d been struggling the entire time. i needed to replace One course requirement with an equivalent because i could not get through the language course, with how they set it up. that was all i needed. and this happened.

she, the HEAD of DISABILITY ACCOMMODATION SERVICES, had a well known history of calling campus police on autistic students for stimming in public. called them unruly disturbances and whatever the absolute FUCK else and i’m like why does she still have a job! she is supposed to be taking care of us! she’s supposed to be the one we can count on when no one ELSE takes us seriously! what the fuck! what the fuck!

and this isn’t even getting into what happened last year when i was fired for a transphobic coworker literally putting her hands on me and bodily shoving me across the entire store, and then how i was run out of trade school by an entire classroom full of people who let the blame fall onto ME for 2 girls being expelled for sexual harassment (towards me) and racism (towards literally all the black students) when seven entire people reported them. 

even the other people who reported them joined in to get me, the disabled GNC dyke who had the balls to stand up for myself after spending a whole fucking semester essentially tutoring half the class and helping them pass everything and bringing them fucking snacks all the time, kicked out of fucking school. i caught it on literal audio recording that they were talking about this and about how “power hungry” i am and how “i need to get my ass out of this school if i’m gonna keep doing this” [getting people kicked out - when i fucking DIDN’T.] and i had to literally just quit.

i fought so fucking hard to get there. i scraped myself up off the ground after what happened to me in university and everything before that to put myself through fucking trade school on scholarships and grants i EARNED and FOUGHT FOR, i was the TOP of my class, i was NICE to everyone, i was HELPFUL, i literally held three crying girls in one day and they trusted me to fucking help them and they all literally turned on me to get me kicked out of fucking school at the drop of a fucking hat. 

and don’t even get me started on the one guy who i defended from everyone else because they kept mocking his autistic ass and i was the ONLY ONE who cared about him like genuinely cared for him and then HE CALLED ME A DYKE for reporting sexual harassment where girls were making rape commentary at me after i begged them, crying, to stop and even disclosed Why i need them to stop. HE told me to Get Over It, Mind Your Business, Do Your Job, Go Home, Go To Sleep, Come Back And Deal With It. as if it’s not my business when this is happening directly to me! fuck you! oh my g-d!!!!

so ASK ME AGAIN why we have an alter in this system who specifically formed as a result of corrupt, untrustworthy authority figures who failed and often outright abused us over literally the simplest, easiest, most reasonable things. 

why should the fact that we suffered once be a reason for us to be opened up for further suffering. why should we be victimized specifically because we are already hurt. this has happened to me so many times in life and in so many different environments and situations.

this went on a lot fucking longer than i wanted it to and it sure is a lot of oversharing but i’m just realizing exactly how much systematic crap and discrimination and harassment i actually HAVE faced and it’s just bonkers! it’s bananas!!!! 

no one has ever fucking defended me in a situation like this. situations like this isolate you like cr*zy, so add in already being forcibly isolated through a literal lifetime of abuse and an inability to even get out and socialize and you’ve got a dumb bitch in tatters. no one even knows i exist.

so honestly ask me again why i spend all my time on the computer, like. i don’t have life experience outside of THIS kind of thing, and other unspoken trauma, like! oh my g-d! of course i’m absorbed in my stupid writing projects, i need ONE g-ddamn hobby!

but i can’t do even my one g-ddamn hobby when i’m in so much pain and with so much brain fog after working like that. there is absolutely no point in forcing myself through that when it would at that point 100% diminish my quality of life entirely. there would be no POINT in having a little bit of money because WHAT would i do with it! 

it’d go to doctor’s expenses to Seek A Diagnosis so that we can theoretically heal me FROM THE WORK. which won’t even happen because they never do any fucking tests! nothing comes back! they read scans wrong only to force me to make an appt with a guy who can only see me FOUR MONTHS LATER just to call me fat and tell me i was wrong about needing help!

it’s a cycle! it’s a vicious cycle! and doctors fail me just as hard as jobs and school have. every single time!

no fucking more. no FUCKING more. i’ve got an appointment with my GP next week and my mom AND ren are coming with me and they’re going to corroborate my struggle so i don’t just buckle and accept it when they just talk over me, call me a liar, call me FAT, or just say there’s nothing they can do. 

no fucking more. i’m not wasting any more of my life than has already been taken from me lol i’m finished living like this! i’m tired of being at the mercy of other people. no fucking more.

i almost hope lonely depot fires me because i will raise hell.

EDIT 8/24/2020: okay, adding the other shit now, chronologically.

8/21/2020, 11:40 AM, 62 notes

turns out boss never even called the district manager to ask about my fucking accommodation because "he knows he'll say no" (which is illegal lol) and just posted that job listing on his own and also is still not returning my texts. and he expects me to go in today anyway? lmao???? i should just fucking NOT go. except i should because i have to take the shift from mike, who doesn't deserve this either.

this is a problem right lmao?

update to same post 8/21/2020, 12:32 PM

update lmao

he actually DID call, he just lied to my coworker about it and never told me until i asked him

and then!!!!

he fired me but still expects me to come in (not just today but all next week too) and is now requesting my entire medical history and doctors notes and says i "never told him" about these limitations

because i need a stool in order to do x4 the work we agreed on for me at the start, that he pulled out of nowhere with no warning

okay john have fun trying to pull this on me. keep trying to have this conversation over text just keep acting like this isn't inappropriate and cowardly to boot

he DID talk to the DM! the DM said "it was in your contract that you said you knew the job requirements :)" yeah and this one thing would MAKE ME EVEN BETTER ABLE TO DO THEM. holy shit!

replies to that update: 

tiinykaiju: ...contact mike and be like “hey literally fuck this place let’s neither of us go in,” contact the district manager yourself if you can and explain that john turned down your request for reasonable accommodation & that he said he was going to ask the dm himself?

https://www.eeoc.gov/publications/ada-your-employment-rights-individual-disability and then get the EEOC on their asses.

pigeonbutch: wow!! that's bullshit!!!

csevet: "you're fired but you're coming in for your shift right" oh those clown shoes must be REAL comfy sir!!! please report his ass and tell mike to get out of there too

equalseleventhirds: ABSOLUTELY this is a problem, see if you can get a text from him saying he refused to ask bcos you can use that against him. also if you and mike are the only non-management employees, good news you only have to convince one other person to do a walk out/sick out/etc

also also if he posted that job posting right after u asked him for reasonable accommodations, if he fires u then u will prolly have a case for discrimination, altho actually bringing it to court might be difficult & expensive

me: @/equalseleventhirds he sure did post that without even telling me that i was fired LMAO

equalseleventhirds: HOW can he fire you and expect you in!! that's illegal as hell!! also depending on which state ur in, firing you that abruptly will guarantee you unemployment payments at LEAST, and a good fucking case for a lawsuit if ur willing to go that route

8/21/2020, 1:50 PM, 48 notes

so, i asked for written record of my termination/the reason for it and he said this:

my dude you are the one who said you'd text me after talking to dave, Didn't Do That, and posted a job listing for my position without telling me instead, and THEN said that because of my asking for this it just means i didn't read the contract almost a year ago & "your relationship with this store will be over after next week." how am i supposed to take that as anything BUT firing me.

my dudes i am a good worker i show up early every day i tale shifts i don't need to i cover when i have to i never give him trouble he has only ever given me trouble and guilt tripped me and oh my gd hes that mean girl who calls herself an empath

replies to that:

equalseleventhirds: lmao no he's trying to shift the blame. tell him if this is not a termination you would like these fucking, terms & conditions or w/e written down so you can understand them. tell him you need it to get a doctor's note or something. if it's his day off or w/e tell him you'll get it when he's back at work.

also it absolutely still IS a termination if you can't meet these bullshit conditions and he fires you? it's still a termination. don't say that to him but it IS

also also him saying 'this is why i didn't want to do it over text' means he knows it's sketchy as hell & you can sue over this and that's why he doesn't want it in writing

me: @/equalseleventhirdsRIGHT???? he's so sketchy he even said he wished ren hadn't been there the first time we talked because he knew i needed a witness to keep ME in check and make sure i would state clearly what i need without giving in and lying down. he got uncomfortable with being witnessed

equalseleventhirds: oh what the FUCK he is absolutely afraid of being witnessed. he's also aware that u having support will make u stand up to him more, obvs.

8/21/2020, 6:41 PM, 52 notes

it got worse than anticipated!

my boss sent a vile email to the DM and HR from his personal email (and then deleted it lol, even though it was sent right to the store computer and MIKE opened it and Gaped) which described me as "spiralling out of control," making the situation "hellish," "demanding" things i am not due (but like. i am due a letter of termination. ok.), and other awful purposefully violent words Specifically to make me out as a cr*zy bad person for needing a stool.

the DM in the cc literally summarized the situation to HR as "a returning employee who would rather sit at home and take unemployment benefits" and when i called him, he sure was disgustingly fake neutral about it.

i found out my boss also lies about his hours too! puts down 45 only works 33 leaves early when he shouldnt has 3 day weekends puts too much work on mike's shoulders and traps mike here. he uses his back as an excuse to do that yet when I need a stool Because I Wanted To Stay Here and do my best, now im a DEMON.

and he also lied to me again! and tried to cover his ass by saying he knows what he said (when he literally FIRED ME LOL) but "that decision hasn't been made yet, we'll talk on monday ok have a good weekend ronnie<3"

guess who I'll be talking to on monday john! did you guess my mom's attorney? if so you finally did something right.

----

this exploded so far out of proportion so fast. i asked to be able to sit when the store is empty. THATS IT. i haven’t sat all day today either lol.

i’m so hurt by this i think, like. this happens to me too often and too easily. why is it so easy to paint me this way! is it because i’m a fat disabled gnc dyke who is clearly traumatized by abusive systems? because yeah! i’m p easy to take advantage of in that case!

but im not going to let this one lie lol. no sir! lol!

8/24/2020, 2:00 PM, 22 notes

was going to talk to my boss today because he said we will monday, only for him to lie to me more, tell me we will talk tomorrow instead (when i clock in lol), and then tell me the HR lady is going to call me in approx 10 minutes (1 min now) "is that not correct?"

i wouldn't know john because none of you have told me the truth or gotten back to me when you should have and so i wasn't told this!

apparently it is a 3 way call with HR and the DM so this is going to go spectacularly poorly and my mom isn't here and i am scared it's a trap

replies:

equalseleventhirds: that's rly shitty of him but! good luck!! it's probably too late but mostly just ask for clarification on paperwork and the termination, don't let them distract u!

me: @/equalseleventhirds okay i will try djdkchkd i'm like scared what if they DO give me the stool and i'm expected to get quiet about it yknow? john won't want me in this store anymore anyway bc i sure will make him uncomf lol

equalseleventhirds: if they give you the stool take it obvs, but also make sure that this new 30 hour work week is temporary (otherwise they have to make u full time, and that's not what was agreed upon)

also if you make john uncomfortable being in the store that is gonna make him even shittier. start documenting every shitty thing he does.

he will be looking for a way to fire you/make you quit, which is why you document. ALSO discuss the email & stuff with ur mom's lawyer anyway, bcos that shit was unacceptable even if they ultimately give you the stool, and you may still have a discrimination case.

took them an hour to call me. at 2:30, i told john to let them know i couldn’t take a phone call between 3:30 and 5:00 because i have appointments, to manage my disabilities, that i need to go to and will be busy with for that block of time.

they called me at 3:00. we conferenced in my mom and dave, and it went both poorly and well. poorly in the sense that i don’t think they’re going to fire me, they’ve backtracked a lot, dave was silent. well in the sense that nikki, HR, was very kind and accommodating! and she is doing her best, i trust her well enough (though she did say "i can promise you this is not a discriminatory company we always want to help" which was hilarious and so i had to say oh yeah i believe you, but these two chucklefucks don't seem to feel the same way about upholding those policies.) 

and so i might get screwed into quitting because she might actually try to get me the accommodation, even though now the issue is less me begging for that and more me reporting them for this treatment. 

i then get an e-mail from nikki at 4:45 asking me to call her. i’m like hey, i can’t do that until i get home, but i will as soon as i am. (this just proves john didn’t tell her my time constraint.) 

i call her back at like 5:11 PM, straight to voicemail. she calls ME at 5:51 PM, and i was busy getting my car from the shop (after it broke down on friday while trying to get to work, mind you. jhdbfkhd.) and so i called back again and we did end up having a short call that i ended up needing to pass to my mother because i just got. so overwhelmed.

but! it’s good-ish news. she told me not to come in this week, she’s going to pay me for the shifts, i’m covered. on friday i’m to go see my GP and see about documentation/some kind of note, and then saturday or something we’re intended to figure out my accommodation.

which is ridiculous because by the time that’s processed i will already be in the work week that i Can’t Fucking Do. like they’re asking me to promise i can work this before they even give me what i need in order to do it.

and i sure don’t feel super safe going to work for john again after this! like, at all! and certainly not dave, either! which means i’m probably going to end up quitting, which means i can’t exactly take any legal action or anything despite All of this, which means i won’t be able to collect unemployment of any kind, which means i don’t know what.

it’s not a big deal probably? i’ve survived without that all this time anyway and i currently have a few thousand saved up so i’ll be good for a Hot Minute, i’m just like. OCD catastrophizing about things (especially because vienna, my Lady Justice/Fuck Authority alter has been out to help me handle this and that’s her primary dx, which VERY much sucks) and doing that whole “but what if” “what if what” “what if.” thing kdfhdsh y’know? it’s dumb.

my REAL plan is to probably, like... just. sell my wheelchair because i found that it wasn't the right mobility aid for my needs; not only are my arms too shitty to really push myself for a long period anyway, but it’s a high back/hospital style chair and just! that’s not good for longer term use. 

i’d have needed a prescription for a better one but i had this one for emergencies and i had some lovely donations help me get it a long time ago and it meant so much to me that people helped with it i feel SO bad that it’s not actually something i can continue to use but at the time it was the best option and the only thing available to help me with what i needed.

a cane also doesn't help me, because my arms are shit! i just end up putting all my weight on one side and being kind of. Confused? as i walk? like, as if i don’t know how to use it, or if it’s helping, because it just. isn’t. it’s more effort and ache than it is relief, and it just isn’t for me.

so i’m going to try to get a prescription for a rollator, i think!

it’s a little humiliating but that's purely because of stigma and i need to dismantle that for my own good! we associate it with the elderly or whatever, it’s for some reason one of the more “embarrassing” options that i don’t? know why it got that way, but it’s simply Not True. NO mobility aid is embarrassing.

it’s a good medium for me! i can walk, i’m just real unstable sometimes, and i get exhausted so fast, and my arms are crappy but if i have something to lean on with Both Sides more evenly, it’s definitely better than a cane on one side + a crappy chair that NO ONE could use this way. it wouldn’t have helped me during the 6 month period where i needed the chair so badly, but with what’s going on now, it definitely seems like where i’m settling.

i wouldn't judge someone else my age for needing a walker, so why would i judge myself for it? it's just a mobility aid that would serve me better, that's it. and even if i don't get a prescription, i can probably afford it myself.

i've been covering daily life expenses and two car repairs (like $600 total just in the past month rkgdhdjf) and so it makes me nervous, but i'm not near as bad off as i probably trick myself into thinking i am (because i spent a long time worse off, and have a lot of traumatic conditioning to unlearn lol) and so i'm trying to look on the bright side and just! make plans to fix what i can.

so i’m gonna try to secure that before i try to find another IRL job, if trying to do audiobooks and possibly podcast stuff doesn’t hold up in the meantime. i still wanna try those things because i’m pretty confident in my voice and my reading and my enunciation and my stamina for it, and it can be done from home as long as i have the supplies, and? my voice is kind of. all i have left anymore haha. 

i’d rather do THAT than anything that’s gonna KEEP getting me screwed over like this because it happens EVERY time! so! whatever, man. i think part of why i’m SO worried about the nebulous Retribution they might enact is just because i felt for a while that this stupid bookstore job was the ONLY option i had and i’d NEVER find another job that could work with my limitations like this, but that’s? not true. i’ll be fine. i’m just.

this has been an unnecessarily turbulent week, and i just can’t understand how this was somehow easier for them to do than just give me the g-ddamn stool. 

even if john’s first response had just been “okay, sure, just get me some documentation of your disability so i can send that to HR” right from the start, that’d have stopped ALL of this from happening? but he never even presented that as a requirement or option, he JUST got fucking nasty with me and said no and got threatening and mocking when Assuring me that DAVE would say no, despite knowing the entire time i’ve worked there that i’m disabled.

it’s just bananas, man. i’m gonna try to be at peace with it, though. whenever i quit or am fired or what have you, i’m going to at least tell him where he can stick it and really let him know he’s not near as nice a guy as he thinks he is.

EDIT 8/25/2020: vienna wrote a long document compiling 50 screencaps with annotated context to send to HR, it only looks long as it is Because it’s so many images, but it’s just. the only chance we have to explain everything that’s happened and why what’s happening NOW is beyond unnecessary. again we may even need to quit so it’s just... what have we got to lose, who cares. i just need SOMEONE to know what john’s been doing, so. there it is.

[carly-they-jepsen]

RWRB Timeline

I originally worked out the timeline for Sep. 27, 2020, and when people suggested I post it on tumblr, I said fuck it and did the whole book.

Go big or go home, right? 

I have spent the past 3 days working on this. It’s half summaries of the events of the days in order, and half “here’s a one sentence summary of the day”.

Whenever possible, I’ve detailed out when things happen by the hour, like the day at Wimbledon, or the email leak day, including guesstimations on flight times, and what time EST and BST Alex is taking off and landing. I often forgot to add vague things like “morning” in, so sorry about that.

I’ve bolded all the dates I’m sure of.

Bold and italics means an official date: emails, text threads, tweets, holidays, Georgetown, etc.

Two asterisks ** = official dates.

Just bold means a day I’m sure of, based off of official dates: Two weeks later, day one post lake house, “a tuesday”, etc.

One asterisk: * = something I’m sure of based on official dates.

I’ve also bolded days of the week I’m sure of, even if I’m not certain of the date.

I’ve left a few things vague. Like, October 2020 is a lot of “sometime between these days, this happened”. Feel free to pick a day in that range to your heart’s content.

If you don’t like the day I picked for little things like Bea walking in on face time, or coming out to June, feel free to change it.

I didn’t bold everything I’m certain on, as I technically don’t have textual evidence to back it up. (Things like the wedding day, Alex and Henry’s texts at in the beginning, some things during the campaign.)

I’m 100% willing to answer questions on why I chose certain days, and any other questions or comments you may have!

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

**Aug. 28, 2019 (Wed.) — Alex starts classes at Georgetown, Winter Semester 2019

Sep. 7-Sep. 8, 2019 (Sat.-Sun.) (p. 5-6) — Alex and June attend an event and listen to an hour and a half of speeches about carbon emissions. June is whisked away to a star studded gala. Alex shows up to the presidential suite with a bottle of champagne. Around 4 a.m. Alex leaves after fake hooking up with Nora.

Sep. 12, 2019 (Th.) (p. 3-8) — June and Alex go over the tabloids. Alex has been working on a research paper all week

Sep. 13, 2019 (Fri.) (p. 8-12) — The US crew flies to London. 

6 a.m. EST: Take off. 

5 p.m. BST: Land in London. (Wiggle the take off time to your heart’s content. Flight is around 6 hours give or take for Air Force 1, plus time to and from the airport, plus the time change. The flight time is “11 hours” with the time change if that helps you calculate the landing time in London.) They potentially have 1-2 appearances that evening.

Sep. 14, 2019 (Sat.) (p. 12-20) — The royal wedding. The US crew has 1-2 appearances before arriving at the ceremony. The ceremony happens. Reception happens at a Buckingham ballroom. The White House Trio chats, Henry dances with June. Alex finds Henry hovering by the champagne fountain and they argue. Alex trips over his own foot and crashes into the $75k wedding cake, pulling Henry down with him.

Sep. 16, 2019 (Mon.) (p. 21-27) — Alex gets chewed out over the Incident by Zahra and the President in a White House briefing room. He gets told he will be leaving Saturday to make nice with Henry in England.

Sometime between Mon. Sep. 16 and Fri. Sep. 20, 2019 (p. 27-32) —  Alex, Nora, and June meet in the Whitehouse and go over the HRH Prince Henry Fact Sheet. Alex bemoans the fact that he just finished his midterms.

Sep. 21, 2019 (Sat.) (p. 32-37) — Alex leaves in the early a.m. EST and arrives late afternoon/early evening in London. (11-12 hour difference in takeoff time to landing time. Note, this is just DC to Lon., not the other way round.). Meets Henry at the stable and a royal photographer takes pictures.

Sep. 22, 2019 (Sun.) (p. 37-53) — 12:00 a.m.: Alex is wide awake and goes into the kitchen for a snack. Henry stumbles in, and Alex posts a photo of them with their ice cream on Instagram.

9 a.m.: Interview with The Morning.

Afternoon meeting with cancer patients. Alex and Henry spend some time in the closet chatting after fireworks are mistaken for gunshots. Before his flight home, Alex puts his number in Henry’s phone. Likely lands around 7-8 p.m. EST.

Sep. 27, 2019 (Fri.) (p. 54-61) — Alex has a lecture on presidential sex scandals. Texts Nora about the probability of one of them having a sex scandal by the end of the second term and she replies with 94% and a link to a gifset of Henry and Alex at The Morning where someone has commented “omfg make out already”. Alex meets with Rafael Luna after his class.

Sometime between Sep. 27, 2019 (Fri.) and Oct. 6, 2019 (Sun.) (p. 61-68) — June, Alex, Leo, and Ellen have dinner together. June texts Alex to have dinner and he forgets to respond until 1.5 hours later when Ellen texts about family dinner. She offers them jobs in the campaign and June turns it down the next morning.

Oct. 9, 2019 (Wed.) (p. 68) — Henry texts Alex while Alex is in a policy lecture. His opening line is “this bloke looks like you” with a picture of the Ewok Chief Chirpa from Return of the Jedi.

Oct. 16, 2019 (Wed.) (p. 68-69) — Alex finally responds a week later after seeing a headline on the cover of People about Henry in Australia with a photo of him in a pair of minuscule navy swim trunks. “you have a lot of moles. is that a result of the inbreeding?

Oct. 18, 2019 (Fri.) (p. 69) — Henry texts Alex a screenshot of a Daily Mail tweet that says “Is Alex Claremont-Diaz going to be a father?” with the caption “But we were ever so careful, dear.” Henry texts Alex a screenshot of a Daily Mail tweet that says “Is Alex Claremont-Diaz going to be a father?” with the caption “But we were ever so careful, dear.” Alex gets ejected from Zahra’s weekly debriefing meeting with him and June.

Oct. 19-Oct. 28, 2019 (Sat.-Mon.) (p. 69-71) — Henry and Alex text regularly on a variety of topics including family, friends, beer, boats, and Hogwarts houses.

**Oct. 29, 2019 (Tue.) (p. 71-72) — Henry texts Alex about being in a meeting with Philip. Later that night Alex replies, asking what the meeting was about.

**Oct. 30, 2019 (Wed.) (p. 73) — 1:07 p.m. EST Henry and Alex text about Henry’s grey tie in his instagram post.

**Nov. 17, 2019 (Sun.) (p. 74) — 11:04 a.m. EST: Henry receives a box of Ellen Claremont campaign buttons with Alex’s face on them. Sniffer dogs were nearly called after the security theme thought it was a bomb. Alex and Henry text about it.

**Nov. 25, 2019 (Mon.) (p. 75-84) — Alex finds out that the turkeys his mom will be pardoning have been staying in the Willard Hotel on taxpayers dime. He convinces her to put them in his room.

10 p.m. EST/3 a.m. GMT: Alex regrets his decisions. He calls Henry to prove they’re as terrifying as Alex claims and they have a long conversation about the turkeys, Henry’s pets, and how Henry surprises Alex.

**Dec. 8, 2019 (Sun.) (p. 84) — 8:53 p.m. EST: Alex texts Henry about a Bond marathon happening on TV. He asks if Henry knows his dad was a total babe, which Henry replies with “I BEG YOU NOT”

*Dec. 20, 2019 (Fri.) (p. 84-85) — Ellen reads an article in the Post with the headline “Senator Oscar Diaz Returns to DC For Holidays With Ex-Wife President Claremont”. She continues to stress about decorations in the Lincoln Bedroom for Oscar.

*Dec. 21, 2019 (Sat.) (p. 85) — Oscar Diaz arrives at the White House. June nearly breaks a vase launching herself into his arms. Oscar and June disappear to the chocolate shop on the ground floor.

*Dec. 22, 2019 (Sun.) (p. 85-86) — Oscar and Alex bond over a cigar on the Truman Balcony.

*Dec. 23, 2019 (Mon.) (p. 87) — Alex catches Oscar in the kitchens with two of the cooks, laughing and dumping peppers into a pot.

*Dec. 21-23, 2019 (Sat.-Mon.) (p. 86-87) — Alex wishes it could be like this more often and misses having everyone under one roof.

**Dec. 24, 2019 (Tue.) (p. 87-95) — Christmas dinner is held on Christmas Eve so Zahra can still attend. Zahra wears a sensible red turtleneck. Alex wears a sweater covered in bright green tinsel. ‘O Christmas Tree” plays out of a speaker near his armpit when he presses a button on the inside of his sleeve. Dinner conversation moves to the election. Oscar and Ellen argue. Alex loses his temper and leaves.

9:30 p.m. EST/2:30 a.m. GMT: Alex changes into an old lacrosse shirt and calls Henry. Henry is wearing candy cane pjs. Alex tells Henry about the divorce and what happened at dinner and only realizes he’s been talking for an hour when henry says “It sounds like you did your best.) June knocks on the door and Alex hangs up after thanking Henry and wishing him a Merry Christmas.

10:30 p.m.: June and Alex talk about what happened after Alex left and then Alex tells her he was talking to Henry, not Nora.

**Dec. 26, 2019 (Th.) (p. 95-97) — Alex spends the day going over waivers for the “Legendary Balls Out Bananas White House Trio New Year’s Eve Party” aka “The Young America New Year’s Eve Gala” aka “The Millennial Correspondents Dinner”.

Dec. 27, 2019 (Fri.) (p. 96-97) — Alex discovers Henry is coming to the party and bringing Pez when he glances at the final guest list while the Trio are looking at confetti samples and eating cake samples.

**Dec. 31, 2019 (Tue.) (p. 97-103) — Pez posts a picture of him and Henry on a private jet headed to DC with the caption “USA bound! #YoungAmericaGala2019” Pez has dyed his hair pastel pink, and Henry is wearing a grey sweatshirt. Alex texts Henry that he will be wearing a burgundy suit and warns Henry to not attempt to outshine Alex, as he will fail and Alex will be embarrassed for him. Henry replies “Wouldn’t dream of it”. After that the Trio begins getting ready. Nora’s short curls are swept to the side with a matching silver pin to the geometric designs on the bodice of her black dress. June’s gown is midnight blue and perfectly compliments the navy-and-gold color palette they chose for the party.

8 p.m.: Guests begin to arrive. The first wave includes some White House interns, and the daughter of a first time Senator and her girlfriend. The second wave is the politically strategic invites chosen by the press team, and finally the fashionably late, including Minor to mid-range popstars and the children of major celebrities.

Pez and Henry show up. Pez is in a colorful floral print shiny silk bomber jacket. Henry is wearing a simple dark blue suit with a bright coppery-mustard tie in a narrow cut. Alex realizes this is the first time they’ve seen each other in person since their weekend in London and feels like he’s meeting a new person.

There's dancing and mingling, and June makes a speech about the immigration fund they’re supporting with their donations. June and Henry talk at the bar.

The live band breaks and the DJ takes over. Alex finds out Henry hasn’t ever dry humped to “Get Low”. There’s more dancing and crowd pleasers until midnight.

11:59 p.m.: They huddle together for the countdown.

**Jan. 1, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 103-108) — 12:00 a.m. Nora kisses Alex

Alex loses track of things. Alex goes looking for Henry. He eventually finds him under a tree. They talk. Henry is vague and Alex is dummy thicc. Henry calls Alex thick and kisses him. Henry pulls away and disappears from the party.

*Jan. 1-Jan. 4, 2020 (Th.-Sat.) (p. 109) — Alex tries listening in on his mom’s meeting as a distraction but can’t pay attention. Zahra bans him from the West Wing.

*Jan. 5-Jan 7, 2020 (Sun.-Tue.) (p. 109) — Alex studies bills going through Congress and considers making the rounds at the Senate or starting a rumor with Nora, but he has no enthusiasm.

**Jan. 8, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 109) — Alex begins his final semester at Georgetown.

*Jan. 9-Jan. 14, 2020 (Th.-Tue.) (p. 109) — Alex throws himself into classwork, meets with the social secretary to plan his graduation dinner. Henry doesn’t answer his texts.

*Jan. 15, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 110-114) — June is fed up with Alex’s pacing and takes him out for a run. Alex does some introspection. Alex tells his mom he wants to start his campaign job now, instead of waiting until he graduates.

*Jan. 20, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 115) — Alex starts his new job at the campaign offices.

*Jan. 20-Jan. 25, 2020 (Mon.-Fri.) (p. 115-116) — Alex puts 23 hours into his new job and Definitely Does Not Think About Henry.

*Sometime between Jan. 25 and Jan 29, 2020 (Fri.-Wed.) (p. 116-122) — Alex comes out to Nora and tells her about Henry.

*Jan. 30, 2020 (Th.) (p. 122-127) — Alex rushes from work to his lecture and review and returns to the White House in a bad mood. June has the week’s tabloids. Alex freaks out at the idea that Henry is going on a date with a girl. Alex finally realizes he’s not straight. Alex calls Liam.

*Jan. 31, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 128-146)  — The state dinner. There's a hot makeout session and Alexander Hamilton watches.

10:48 p.m.: Alex paces around his room.

10:54 p.m. Henry arrives at Alex’s rooms

*Feb. 1, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 122) — Alex has a campaign event in Nebraska

Feb. 13, 2020 (Th.) (p. 146-147) — Henry informs Alex of a charity polo match in Greenwich, Connecticut. That evening, June asks why he’s bailing on the fund-raiser he’s meant to be at

**Feb. 15, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 147-152) — The polo match. Alex spends 4.5 hours driving up, stays for 3 hours, and then drives 4.5 hours back.

**March 3, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 152) — 7:32 p.m. EST: Alex sends Henry an email asking if he will be in Paris for a fundraiser that weekend.

**March 4, 2020, (Wed.) (p. 152-156) — 2:14 a.m.-2:43 a.m.: Henry replies, and eventually concedes after a brief back and forth.

*March 7-8, 2020 (Sat.-Sun.) (p. 157-158) — Henry and Alex have a clandestine hookup in Paris and spend the night together.

*March 8, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 158) — Zahra texts Alex a screenshot of a buzzfeed article about him and Henry.

*March 9-March 27, 2020 (Mon.-Fri.) (p. 158-159) — Alex and Henry continue to text.

Sometime between March 23 and 26, 2020 (Mon.-Th.) (p. 159) — Alex tells Henry about a voter drive he will be attending in NYC at the end of March and Henry re-schedules his visit to NYC for that weekend.

*March 27, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 159) — Alex and Henry celebrate their birthdays with champagne and a buttercream cupcake.

April 1, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 159) — Alex convinces Henry to download Snapchat.

April 4, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 159) — Henry sends a snap of him on a sailboat.

April 5, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 182) — Bea walks in on an after-dark FaceTime session.

April 9, 2020 (Th.) (p. 160) — Henry is right that Remus John Lupin is gay as the day is long and won’t hear a word against it.

April 10, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 161) — June notices the photo of the man with AIDS protesting pinned over Alex’s desk

*April 11, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 162) — Henry and Alex meet at a gala in Berlin. Alex ties Henry’s wrists to the bedpost.

*April 13, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 162-163) — Zahra notices the hickeys on Alex’s neck at the weekly briefing.

*April 25, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 163-173) — Someone paints “Powder Princess” on the side of Bea’s car. Late afternoon EST: Henry and Alex have a phone call largely centered around family.

April 30, 2020 (Th.) (p. 173-182) — 9:44 p.m.: Alex redraws districts in Texas and misses dinner with June. After getting back to the Residence, June reveals she’s known about Alex and Henry the whole time.

*May 2, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 183-185) — 4 a.m. EST/9 a.m. BST: Alex FaceTimes Henry and Pez at Llwynywermod.

**May 1-9, 2020 (Fri.-Sat.) (p. 185) — Georgetown finals week

**May 15, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 186-189) — Alex graduates summa cum laude from Georgetown. Jacinto drops out, making Richards the official Republican nominee. Alex eavesdrops on a conversation between Rafael Luna and Oscar Diaz.

Sometime between May 16 and May 22, 2020 (Sat.-Fri.) (p. 189) — Henry invites the Trio to a fund-raiser in LA the next weekend.

*May 30, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 189-200) — Alex gets lunch with his dad, who changes the subject every time Alex brings up the conversation with Luba. Alex attends the fund-raiser in LA followed by partying. Henry and Alex fuck.

*May 31, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 200-201) — 7:00 a.m.: Alex and Henry wake up. June, Nora, and Pez are heavily implied to have had a threesome. Alex realizes he has friends now.

**June 8, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 202-206) — 3:23 p.m.-7:21 p.m. EST:  Henry and Alex exchange emails.

**June 13, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 207) — Alex misses his first DC pride while in Nevada. He “talks to his minibar about it”

*June 20, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 207) — Houston rally at Minute Maid Park.

*June 22, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 207-210) — Alex argues with WASPy Hunter about Texas. Alex looks up LSAT testing centers in DC.

*June 23, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 210-213) — Alex texts the groupchat “3 Geniuses and Alex” with Nora, Bea, and Henry asking where his speech for Milwaukee is.

Sometime between June 24 and July 3, 2020 (Wed.-Fri.) (p. 213) — Alex receives an invitation to Wimbledon

*July 5, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 213) — 10:20 p.m. EST: Alex takes off from DC for London.

**July 6, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 213-221) — Alex spends his one day off from the campaign at Wimbledon with Henry.

10:35 a.m. BST: Alex lands in London.

11:30 a.m.: Alex makes it through customs and Henry and Shaan pick him up at the airport.

12:30 p.m.: Arrival at Wimbledon

1:00 p.m.: The first game at Central Court begins

4:00 p.m.: Philip and Martha show up. Philip is an idiot that says “Morning”. Bea, like a smart person, says “Afternoon”. Henry and Philip argue, and Henry runs off.

4:10 p.m.: Alex finds Henry in the clubhouse

4:12 p.m.: Henry “shows Alex round the clubhouse”. Alex and Henry cum for the first time

After that they go to Kensington. Henry plays the piano for a while. They make out for what could be hours. They move to Henry’s room where Henry, at least, cums for the second time that day. Alex spends almost an hour making Henry cum for a third time. After that, Henry asks Alex to fuck him again, where Henry cums for the fourth time that day, and Alex cums for at least the second time, possibly a third time.

Alex takes hours to sleep.

*July 7, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 221-222) — 9:00 a.m. BST: Alex flies home to DC and lands around 9:10 a.m. EST for DNC prep.

The Richards campaign leaks they’ve tapped an independant.

*July 9, 2020 (Th.) (p. 222) — Claremont campaign releases the official platform.

*July 11, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 221-222) — Richards holds a rally at Vanderbilt University. 

**July 14, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 223-224) — The gang flies to NYC on the evening of the second day of the DNC.

9:00 p.m.: The Richards campaign announces that the Independent senator joining Richards’s cabinet is Rafael Luna.

9:15 p.m.: Air Force One lands and the White House crew goes into crisis management meetings. Alex texts Luna “What the fuck”

11:00 p.m.: Luna responds “I don’t expect you to understand”.

*July 15, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 224-234) — 12:00 a.m.: Alex and June leave meetings and get harassed by a Post reporter. June goes to bed, and Alex goes to the bar where he meets Henry. They retire to Alex’s room.

6:45 a.m.: Zahra wakes Alex (and Henry) up, and discovers their relationship.

July 20, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 235-239) — 1:00 p.m.: Alex comes out to his mother.

2:00 p.m. — Ellen gives a PowerPoint presentation, then makes Alex do paperwork and kicks him off the campaign.

**Aug. 10, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 239-247) 1:04 a.m.-8:22 p.m. EST — Henry and Alex exchange emails about the complex nature of their relationship, and Alex extends an invite to the lake house.

*Aug. 22, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 247-257) — Day one of the lake house. The Trio arrive earlier, possibly on Friday. Early morning: They gas up the car before taking it to the hangar to pick up Henry in Austin. 1.5 hours — The drive to the lake. They arrive, Oscar welcomes everyone. Alex barbecues ribs. They spend the evening after dinner singing and playing guitar. Alex and Henry sleep in separate bunks

*Aug. 23, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 257-264) — Day two of the lake house. Alex makes breakfast. In the afternoon, Henry talks to Oscar about boats and outboard motors. They swim. That night, Henry and Alex go skinny dipping

*Aug. 24, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 264-265) — Alex wakes up to find that Henry has left.

*Aug. 25, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 266, 267) —  Alex sends five texts to Henry. He also paces on the roof of the residence and wrecks his heels.

*Aug. 26, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 266) — Alex sends two texts to Henry.

*Aug. 27, 2020 (Thu.) (p. 266) — Alex sends no texts to Henry.

*Aug. 28, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 266) — Alex trains himself to check his phone after two hours instead of one.

Sometime between Aug. 25-28 (Tue.-Fri.) (p. 267) — Alex’s Claremont for America mug is smashed in the sink. 2.5 different dreams of Henry’s hair. An email is drafted and deleted.

*Aug. 29, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 267) — Luna makes his fifth campaign stop for Richards. Alex breaks his phone screen and it is replaced by the end of the day.

*Aug. 31, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 267-276) —  Alex finds the note Henry left in the pocket of his kimono and smashes his phone.

5:45 a.m. EST/10 a.m. BST: Alex buys first class nonstop tickets for him and Cash and sends Cash a text.

7:45 a.m./12:45 p.m.: Alex and Cash’s flight begins boarding

8:00 a.m./1:00 p.m.: Alex and Cash’s flight leaves Dulles for London. Alex calls Zahra on the runways and asks her to call them a car in London

3:15 p.m./8:15 p.m.: The plane lands and they leave for Kensington

4:00 p.m./9:00 p.m.: They arrive in Kensington.

*Sep. 1, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 276-284) — Henry goes for a run. Philip eats plain toast. They have a conversation in the kitchen. Alex wakes up alone. Henry brings Alex coffee. They spend the day together.

**Sep. 2, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 284-293) — 2:00 a.m.: Henry and Alex sneak out and explore the V&A.

5:00 a.m. EST/10:00 a.m. BST: Alex and Cash’s plane departs from Heathrow to Dulles.

3:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. BST: Alex arrives back home.

5:12 p.m. EST: Alex emails Henry to say he arrived back home

**Sep. 3, 2020 (Th.) (p. 294-297) — 2:49 a.m. EST: Henry replies, mentions he’s considering coming out to Philip and he may have to enlist.

6:20 a.m. EST: Alex responds, worried that Henry might have to enlist. He is supportive of Henry coming out.

**Sep. 4, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 297-304) — 7:58 p.m. EST: Henry says he came out to Philip and talks about putting memories into rooms.

8:31 p.m. EST: Alex responds and sends Henry an incomplete list.

Sep. 14, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 305-310) — Zahra shows up with a diamond ring at the breakfast weekly brief. Footage of Henry and Alex at the DNC is leaked. June posts a photo of her and Henry on instagram and it spreads within hours. 

Alex takes Nora on a fake date as Henry flies to DC. Henry lands in the middle of the night.

Sep. 15, 2020 (Tue.) (310-313) — June lets Alex into her SUV in the morning on the way to her fake date with Henry. After an hour at the cafe, Henry and Alex meet in the SUV and kiss. They don’t notice when someone takes pictures

*Sep. 24, 2020 (Th.) (p. 314-318) — Alex meets with Luna and comes out to him. He returns to the residence, attempts to call Henry, and then gets drunk.

**Sep. 25, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 319-321) — 3:21 a.m. EST/8:21 a.m. BST: Alex sends a drunk email.

6:07 a.m./11:07 a.m.: Henry replies.

**Sep. 27, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 321-344) — Email Leak Day 

3 a.m. EST/8 a.m. BST: News breaks.

3:23 a.m./8:23 a.m. Zahra wakes Alex up and puts him on communications lockdown. Alex meets with his mom.

6:00 a.m./11:00 a.m.: Philip arrives at Kensington

8:00 a.m./3:00 p.m.: Alex gets out of meetings, starts napping

1:00 p.m./6:00 p.m.: Zahra tells Alex to pack a bag

7:00 p.m./12:00: They arrive at Kensington

11:00 p.m./4:00 a.m.: Alex finally climbs into bed next to Henry.

*Sep. 28, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 344-358) — Philip shows up at Kensington, hair uncombed and suit askew. Philip yells at them in the kitchen about breaking the communication embargo. Henry leaves, and Alex follows and leaves Philip red in the kitchen.

6:00 a.m./11:00 a.m.: They meet with the queen.

Alex takes a photo of a mural and posts it on Twitter on his way to the airplane

**Sep. 29, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 358-367) —  9:15 p.m. Jezebel tweets about DC Dykes on Bikes chasing Westboro Baptist protesters down Pennsylvania Ave.

Alex gets back to DC. Nora comes busting in with proof.

*Sep. 30, 2020 (Wed.) (p. 367-370) — The White House leaks proof of the Richarads campaign stalking, surveilling, hacking, and outing Alex. Rafael Luna announces on twitter he has left the campaign. The podcast Bills, Bills, Bills, records an episode about it.

**Oct. 2, 2020 (Fri.) (p. 370-383) — In the morning, Alex gives his speech, which June wrote. Henry is there to support him. They make out for like 45-55 minutes before the speech. Jeffrey Richards goes on CNN. Alex sees Luna in his office. Luna tells Alex about his past with Richards.

*Oct. 3, 2020 (Sat.) (p. 375) —  A crowd at the Mall. Cash, Amy, and Amy’s wife are there.

*Oct. 4, 2020 (Sun.) (p. 383-385, 409) — 7:32 a.m.: The boys wake up. 

9:30 a.m.: Henry leaves back to England.

Alex goes back to the campaign trail. Liam calls.

*Oct. 4-10, 2020 (Sun.-Sat.) (p. 389) — The crown makes decisions about what to do about the emails: re Bea's addiction reveal, and Henry enlisting.

Sometime between Oct. 11-17, 2020 (Sun.-Sat.) (p. 391) — Philip has a falling out with the queen and apologizes to Henry and Bea.

Sometime between Oct. 25-31, 2020 (Sun.-Sat.) (p. 386-392) — The photoshoot in Hyde park.

*Nov. 2, 2020 (Mon.) (p. 393-399) — Day before election day. Alex struggles to pick a tie. June gets a book deal. The Trio falls asleep in the bed together.

**Nov. 3, 2020 (Tue.) (p. 400-418) —  Election day

Alex votes.

6:00 p.m.: The Trio arrives at the election night event.

6:37 p.m. Henry texts Alex about plane troubles.

7:32 p.m.: Oliver Westbrook from Bills, Bills, Bills tweets about GOPers backing Richards even after everything that’s happened.

8:04 p.m.: 538 politics tweets that they’re confused about Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin being too close to call.

9:15 p.m.: NYT tweets that Claremont is at 178 and Richards is at 113

9:30 p.m.: Ellen worries about losing and asks June to write a concession speech. June refuses. Alex makes a speech. Henry finally arrives.

10:30 p.m.: Richards takes Iowa, Utah, and Montana. Claremont gets California’s 55 electoral votes.

12:00 a.m.: Claremont has the lead. Alex runs into Liam. Florida and Nevada go red.

12:30 a.m.: Texas goes blue.

1:00 a.m.: Alex unlocks the door with the key around his neck.

[whentherewerebicycles]

oh my god yesterday was a VERY emotional day for me!! it was my favorite player’s 1000th game and there were so many emotional Testimonials from all his friends and rivals so I spent most of the day experiencing strong FEELINGS about sports and leadership and hard work. listennnnn being a fan of this person is very Inspiring to me and makes me want to work hard to achieve my dreams ok!!!!

anyway I think I might try to ride that emotional wave a little further today and sit down to do some future planning/writing. yesterday I was very successful at not lying in bed all day and moderately successful at being active (I walked 50 min instead of my target 60). I also did okay on night four (?) without ambien. it took me a really long time to fall asleep but I think that had a lot to do with how emotionally hyped up I was about hockey lol.

here are some things I’d like to do today, in no particular order:

up at 7:30 & take dogs out

coffee, lounge, read in bed until 10ish

reinstall Freedom app so I can block tumblr/twitter after 11pm

make breakfast

35 min walk with Ruthie

spend time doing reflective writing about the future (topics: values check-in, daily/weekly practices, followthrough, longer-term projects, possible timelines). this could also be a project for tomorrow but I’d like to at least generate some notes

add 1k to fic draft—maybe more if I’m in the mood to write

if I’m not in the mood to write fic today I could work on those examples of reverse outlining one of my anons asked for

skate for 45 min in the early afternoon & listen to YCDT episode

spend time troubleshooting my broken Thunderbolt display. I think I need to try resetting the port, updating the firmware, and resetting the SMC. if it’s really broken I need to order a new monitor (sigh) and webcam (bigger sigh), which I’ve been putting off for weeks

wash some clothes in the sink

do dishes by hand sigh

the university extended our closure to Mon-Tues but said we could hold optional meetings if students wanted to. I reached out to my kids but so far no one’s asked for a meeting, so I think I will probably have the next two days off too—and then Wed/Thurs are already research and admin days for me (no meetings) so I may very well end up with another week of very few work obligations. if that’s the case I think I am going to try to use the week to jumpstart my own research again.

[theastrophilearchitect]

Reworking the plot & getting my hands dirty.

Writing journey #2.

Sat 06/03/2021 - Word Count: 28,150 19.38 So, a month ago, today, actually, I started writing a book. For context, I've sorted out scenes and planned my plot; I'm now simultaneously writing my first draft and outlining scenes in more detail - I'm just into act two of my draft and just into act three of the outline.

I included today in my first writing post, which you can find here, but, while outlining, I realised something that will result in a major plot change (even though I probably should wait until revisions, it sorts out the climax I'm currently incredibly vague on, and will help me actually be able to complete the draft), and felt it was time to start a different post, because the other one was long, and already had its own focus.

Previously, I've been setting mildly insane word count goals, and even though I'm sticking to vague targets, I'm going to drop that, because I need to do a major plot change, and that'll mean the word count isn't going up that much for a while.

So, I have my first and second acts good, but while outlining act three, I've realised the event at the start of act three would work better as a climax than the vague battle idea I have. It just seems more original, more effective, but it means I need to shift events around and re-figure the first block of act three. I'll begin tonight, but it's already 8pm, so I'll probably do most of it tomorrow.

Sun 07/03/2021 - Word Count: 28,365 08.24 I'm reworking act three, and I think I may just drop drafting for the moment and focus on incorporating the edits I have in mind, then start drafting over. I know all the advice says not to go back and edit, but this is a big change I can't wait to do, so it seems opportune to just make the others, too.

08.31 I've now finished reworking act three, and I'm much more satisfied with it than I was before. I do now need to go through the scenes again, however.

13.57 Still re-scening. This is frustrating, but I've decided when I'm back to drafting, I'm going to drop my daily minimum to just 500 words - even though I'll make very little progress at that pace, it's more realistic considering I'm about to be plunged back into the world of homework and commuting, and it's something I'll always be able to meet to help me keep in the habit of daily writing. Word count isn't applicable when I'm doing re-scening like today, though.

Something else I've noticed, when I'm writing literally anything, I'm just scribing the words I'm literally hearing in my head, which is a little bit of a problem because where I wrote 'meet' just now, I meant 'meet' but heard 'eat' in my head and wrote 'eat'.

17.07 I feel like I'm finally making some progress - I've been writing on-and-off all day. My word count has actually decreased a couple hundred words since yesterday, but Scrivener is convinced I've written 42,000 words today, which I obviously haven't. I've typed a lot of words, but not that many, not all of which added to that since deleting words takes words off that number. It thinks I've written so many, however, because I duplicated my act one folder twice (then deleted it, obviously, because I don't need three copies of the same act) but Scrivener doesn't take off the words when you delete the file, only when you literally hit backspace.

17.50 Sorting out my climax, I'm realising how bad it was before. Which I guess is good, because it shows internal criticism and growth...? Or something...?

21.04 I've totally planned out the majority of act three, but I haven't finished it because where I'm up to ends with my characters essentially making a game plan, and since I'm not yet sure what that game plan is, I can't outline the bit where they carry out the plan, but I'll do that later. I've incorporated some of the edits I wanted to make, though I've left a couple out because they're less drastic and I'm not sure whether or not to include them, so I'm going to sort that either during or after my first draft.

Since I've made quite a few changes that will affect the parts I've already drafted, I'm going to start my draft over, and reset my word count, but I'll do that tomorrow. For now, Scrivener thinks I've written 42,385 words today, which I absolutely have not, and my word count is currently 28,365, but I'm going to remove every outline and drafted piece I've done so I can start from zero for what I'm going to call draft #1.4, because I already wrote a version of about 40% of it.

God, my word count has gone back to 0 of my minimum 50,000. That hurts. It really hurts. My actual goal is more 70-90K, but 50K is my minimum, so that's what I'm going with for now.

Anyway, goodnight, and good luck me.

Mon 08/03/2021 - Word Count: 820 So, I wrote 820 words before school, then got home, attempted to do some homework and lost all motivation and will to do... anything. Which means I'm very glad I did over my 500 words this morning.

Tue 09/03/2021 - Word Count: 1,367 15.07 I called this a #1.4 draft, but it's more like a #1.3. Anyway, writing is so much less stressful when I'm working from something I've already written - with the first section, so far, at least, I'm basically just editing the writing itself rather than the events because I'm pretty happy, at least at the moment, with my first couple chapters. Very little thinking required.

Also, it's been over 30 hours since I've written because I did my writing before school yesterday, but haven't written yet today because I've got so much work to get done for school. It feels like it's been forever.

16.17 I've finished rewriting chapter one, and still have a lot of fuel in my tank (that's a hideous metaphor) but I think I'm going to cut off today at 547 words, just because I have quite a lot on my plate this week, and I'd like to invest some time in actually reading the book I started eight days ago, and am only 200 pages of the way through.

Wed 10/03/2021 - Word Count: 2,082 I could write significantly more than 500 words most days, but it really is easier to set a minimum that doesn't feel like a strain, so that's what I'm sticking with for now.

Thu 11/03/2021 - Word Count: 2,801

Fri 12/03/2021 - Word Count: 3,405

Sat 13/03/2021 - Word Count: 32,211 07.40 I've just had nothing extra to say the last couple days, which is ironic considering how much I wrote each day of the last post, which went up yesterday! Anyway, it's finally Saturday, and even though I have exactly zero motivation to do anything this morning, I've been awake for two hours already (I recently discovered I like mornings??) and I think it's time to get going. Still sticking to my 500 word minimum, but since it's Saturday, I'm going to invest most of the day in writing, so I should surpass that.

08.20 I don't think I've mentioned yet that I dubbed this WIP Bay Tree in this post. Sorry if I have, but I skimmed this post and can't find it. So, this is about to get messy. I'm basically just cleaning up my prose, but there's so little point doing that when I'm not certain each scene will stay. There's no point editing a chapter unless I know it's sticking around.

So we're reverting, and this is about to get messy. I didn't quite finish my initial draft of chapter seven, because I wasn't sure how exactly the event at the end of it would happen, but I think I'm just going to delve into it. I'm going to add everything, including outlines, back to my word count, finish writing chapter seven, then pick up where I left off in chapter nine. Okay. That's why my word count is jumping around.

And, just like that, I've gone from 4,074 to 28,864. Well, 500 words accomplished. Surpassed, in fact, by just 24,290.

I'm going to aim to just hit 30K by the end of this weekend. I can easily do 1,136 words in two days.

As I've mentioned before, I haven't outlined all the way to the end and through the climax--I have a fairly clear idea of how I want it to do go down, but I'm not sure what I want the characters' plan to actually be, so I currently have 21 chapters, but I'm projecting 23-26, which, at about 3,000 words each, is pretty damn good, especially when it'll just get longer as I redraft (she says optimistically).

Already feeling more motivated now my word count's higher.

09.54 Oh! Also, I logged onto Tumblr today to find someone reblogged my last writing post with a really positive, encouraging comment. It's nice to think I'm bringing someone else a little joy with this.

11.13 And we hit 30K! I'm not quite done for the day, but I do need to go pack. Also, I've been operating under the impression the minimum word count for a novel is 50K, but it's actually 40K, which, though I'm only about 40% of the way to my projected total word count, I'm officially 75% of the way to being able to say I've written a novel.

I'm so glad I've gotten as far as I have, and I just hope I can keep myself going to the end.

12.27 This post is going to look really strange to read - if you're only looking at the word counts, it looks like I've written nearly 27K words today. That makes sense.

Oh, and I finished chapter seven. Like an hour ago.

13.52 At this point, I have literally no idea what continuity things I've already established, so I'm just going by a let-my-future-self-suffer philosophy.

14.36 That's chapter nine done. That leaves chapters 10 to nobody-knows. I'm going to stop writing now, but I wrote nearly 4,000 words today (plus recounting about 20K) so I don't exactly think this cut-off will be detrimental.

Sun 14/03/2021 - Word Count: 35,548 07.58 I’ve written over a thousand words already, and it isn’t even 8am yet. Being a morning person is genuinely the best thing ever as an introvert--I’m asleep when people want to socialise, and awake when no-one else is. That makes me sound like a hermit. I love it anyway, and feel like I’m stacking up for a good writing day. 35K is probably a little overambitious, but what’s life without aspiration?

09.04 As I’m going, I’m realising my plot is actually coherent, and being surprised that I can actually make a story without plot holes (as of yet.)

09.21 And that makes the first eleven chapters drafted! 

...And, Houston, we have a problem. Dammit. Eleven chapters, and I haven’t established one of the most important world-building points. Which is especially irritating because it needs to be established by chapter twelve. Unless I can establish it at the start of chapter twelve? We’ll go with that, so I don’t have to go back, then I’ll sort it out in edits or draft two or something.

I’ve just started writing chapter twelve, but I think, having written 2,600 words today already, I need a break. I have less than 500 words until I hit 35K, but I’m going to leave it for now, and come back this evening. I should be able to hit 40K this week.

18.19 And that makes 35K. Chapter twelve is only two scenes, and I’ve written one, but having written 3,000 words so far today, I’m going to leave it until tomorrow.

Mon 15/03/2021 - Word Count: 36,337 17.19 So there’s a crucial plot point just after my midpoint, and I’m not completely sure what to do. I mean, I know what I’m doing--I just wasn’t sure exactly how I wanted it to go, but now I know. The issue is other stuff needs to be pre-established, and I’ve worked out where it needs to go, but I don’t know whether or not I want to go back and write those bits now, or just make note of it and add it in draft two.

I think I’m just going to make note, plough ahead, and deal with it in draft two. I’m trying to figure out exactly how I’m going to operate after this draft: things generally say put it down for a few weeks, come back for edits, then go into your next draft, but I feel like I’m already going to have so many edits gathered by the time I reach the end of this draft, I should just go back into it, but time will probably be beneficial. Not that it actually matters now. I’m only just halfway through an under-draft (by that I mean it’s going to get a lot longer). I’m going to add new scenes in my next draft and generally fiddle with plot aspects, but as quite a linear writer, I think I’m more naturally inclined to just incorporate aspects in a draft rather than as edits. I’m not sure. Does that even make any sense? 

Depending on when I finish this draft, I think I’ll plan to pick it back up May 1st, and just see how I’m feeling. But, again, this all depends on when I finish the draft, and how I’m feeling when that time comes.

Tue 16/03/2021 - Word Count: 37,025 I bought my Scrivener license today! Yay!

Wed 17/03/2021 - Word Count: 38,408 08.04 This is mostly irrelevant to my project, but I just wanted to mention the odd fact that I’m definitely a plotter when it comes to longer pieces, but when I do shorter pieces, creative or essays, for school, I hate planning, and just start immediately, then go back and edit. Huh.

Thu 18/03/2021 - Word Count: 38,950 I’m going to edit this, but writing the date just now I noticed I’ve put 2019 for the last three days. It’s absolutely not, and I know why I did that, but still.

14.31 Also, Oxford commas? Found out what they were. Granted, that was actually a few days ago.

Fri 19/03/2021 - Word Count: 40,139 06.55 Even though I wrote 500 words yesterday, I didn’t quite reach my goal of 39K, just because I had to stop writing 50 words off, and by the time I had the opportunity to go back, I just wanted to go to bed. So, today, my goal is to hit 40K words, and officially be able to say I’ve hit the minimum word count for a novel.

Honestly, I’m starting to lose my love for this project. I’m still enjoying working on it, don’t get me wrong, but I’m anticipating finishing it because I know exactly what I want to write next. I feel like I’m mostly still working on it as a lesson, and I know it’s not what I ultimately want to write--mostly because it’s not super high-concept, and high-concept stuff is what I want to be writing. I am still enjoying working on it, I’m just not sure I’ll get to the ‘final line-edits’ stage. But who knows?

10.19 And that marks 40K. We’re in novel terriority, people. And, yes, I could correct that spelling, but I’d like to draw attention to how bad I am at spelling when typing. I’m excellent at spelling in writing, and wrong spellings bother me, but when I’m typing, my fingers are just trying to keep up with my mind, which means I try to type a letter and the one after it at the same time, and often end up with letters in the wrong order and punctuation in the wrong place. Or I just hit halfway between two keys instead of the key I’m going for, and type a wrong letter. Anyway, that was meant to say territory. See? I can spel..

Or I just double the punctuation instead of the last letter.

So I’m definitely not meeting my old goal of 80K words or a finished draft by the end of the month--that’d be another 40K words in just 12 days--but I’m definitely on track to finish by the end of April.

Sat 20/03/2021 - Word Count: 40,692 15.30 God, second acts are hard. I hate being in the middle. At the start, you have novelty, and at the end (not that I would know from experience) you have the knowledge you’re near the end, that you’ve already written most of it.

I’m currently operating the reminder, ‘You’ve written an act before, why not again?’, in hopes that’ll eventually extend to, ‘You’ve finished a draft before, why not again?’ and ‘You’ve written an entire book before, why not again?’

I’ve literally written 243 words so far today, and I just don’t want to. Normally, I sit down, I slog through the first hundred or so words, then pick up momentum. Maybe it’s just because chapter 13 is a boring part to write. Ha. 13. Just my luck.

I’m being nice to myself because a lot has happened in my life over the last few days, but I still want to write a minimum of 500 words, even though most Saturdays I can write more like 3,000.

21.41 I’d like to be asleep. That sounds like fun. Today slipped through my grasp, and I haven’t even written 300 words, but I am going to try to at least hit 500. And then maybe write thousands and thousands tomorrow, but I’m also going to bake a cake, and I’m notorious for being able to make cooking and baking take at least three times as long as is necessary.

21.57 So I got just past 500. Relatively speaking, that’s not that impressive for me, but it’s more words than most people in the world added to their manuscripts today, so I have to give myself some credit. (I’m working on crediting myself for productivity rather than degrading myself for not being productive--I could go on for hours about how much it pisses me off that capitalism teaches us productivity=worth in everything, not just business, but I’m going off on a tangent.)

Sun 21/03/2021 - Word Count: 41,466 08.08 Cakes baked! And I’ve come to a conclusion about how irritating I am to myself--I didn’t fully outline the latter half of act two (by which I mean I have each scene and a purpose of each scene, but virtually no detail) which I can absolutely cope with, but it does slow me down. Anyway, I’m waiting for my cakes to cool, then I can ice them.

14.28 I wanted to write up to 42K this weekend, which I don’t think is going to happen. I’ve written 774 words, so passed my 500-word minimum, but haven’t yet reached 42K, and don’t think I’m going to this weekend. I just don’t have much motivation, which may just be because of the part I’m on, but I’d rather work through this part really slowly then pick up the pace when I get to the part I want to be writing, than force myself to write this section quickly and poorly, then not want to continue into act three. So, sticking to 500 words a day; I may do more later, but I’m leaving it for now.

Mon 22/03/2021 - Word Count: 42,006 17.56 God, I don’t want to write today. I’m going to anyway, because I haven’t yet failed 500 words. They can be a shitty 500 words, but they have to be 500 words. Also, the scene I wrote yesterday? Absolutely getting deleted. But I’m leaving it for now because I refuse to lose those 800 words.

I really enjoy putting edits at the bottom of scenes in brackets and making them unnecessarily wordy so Scrivener thinks I’ve written significantly more words than I actually have.

18.31 Yay, did it. I’m really hoping I can just work through this low spot and don’t have to take a break. I’m on the penultimate chapter of act two, and the first few chapters of act three are really exciting, so I’ll know if I need to take a break based on whether I get motivated when I get to that part.

Tue 23/03/2021 - Word Count: 42,124 16.37 GOD, I need a break. I don’t have motivation, even for 500 words. You know what? I’m just going to make a note of the scene idea I had earlier, and I’m going to take a week’s break. Unless I get antsy, in which case I may end it earlier, but, I’m not going to write again until Tuesday the 30th. Unless I get antsy. FUCK.

I’m just reminding myself breaks are good and important, but I still hate that I’m taking one without finishing my first draft. Tue 30/03/2021, I will be back! Though my word count may increase between now and then as I note down any ideas I have, which I will update with. Okay. Just leave it.

Sun 28/03/2021 - Word Count: 42,150 10.47 Since Tuesday, I’ve made some notes on my phone of little things I want to change, but haven’t added them to my project file, so the word count hasn’t gone up.

Last night, I was just thinking about how badly I wanted to get back to this project, but this morning, I just... don’t. I’ve been thinking it through, and I’m not ready to drop this project yet, but I’m just not happy with what I have at the moment. So, I’m going to add my notes to the file, and then leave it for a few weeks, so I can return with edits in mind, apply them, and then start what I guess will be like a 1.7 draft, because I didn’t finish this draft.

In the meantime, however, I do want to keep writing, so I’m going to start another project in the meantime, which I can work on a lot in the next few weeks because, in a few days, I get a couple weeks off, which won’t be completely free of work, but will give me a lot more time to dedicate to this.

I think I’m going to say I’ll return to Bay Tree (or at least review, if, say, I just want to dedicate a little more time to whatever phase of the new project before I move on) on May 10th, because that’s basically when I get to relax after my exams finish.

So I’ll add the notes I have so far, keep making notes on my phone, and return on May 10th.

Which wraps up this writing update--a new one will come with my new project!

[okay-j-hannah]

My Life is a Mess Without You

Smosh : Prompt

Damien x Reader

Word Count: 1968

Warnings: Just the most classic Damien Haas fic scenario... but I made it ENTIRELY in his point of view

Request: “20 with Damien Haas” - @caswinchester2000

Prompt:

20. “You are the least subtle person I know. Your ‘I have a secret’ vibe is literally visible from the moon.”

A/N: Damien just didn’t get it - what could he have done that would make you ignore him for so long?

Damien sighed, moving his eyes from the TV to the phone in his hand, his fingers hovering over the keyboard.

He was completely disheveled – his hair unkempt and the blue streaks fading. He had reverted to only wearing old sweatshirts and faded jeans, his glasses worn more frequently as the task to order more contact lenses seemed daunting compared to other problems.

His house was incredibly untidy with plates stacked by the sink, movies and games littering the living room floor, and piles of miscellaneous garbage speckled every surface. 

Even his cats had noticed the decline in activity as Damien remained more sedentary, normally retreating to the couch upon return from work.

The Smosh Family helped with what they could, also noticing (Y/N)’s avoidance. Damien could hardly manage to keep up with filming and script reads when all his focus was residing on her.

(Y/N) wasn’t talking to him. And it was wrecking him.

Pushing his glasses back in place, he scrolled through his unanswered text messages, a pain in his chest. It had been weeks since their last sincere conversation, a moment he had replayed in his mind over and over.

It sat at the forefront of his mind as if it was yesterday. Something was definitely wrong with (Y/N), that much he was sure of.

With their daily carpool to work together, she didn’t say a single word that day. She normally was running on slight caffeine adrenaline or singing at the top of her lungs to the morning radio.

Today? Absolutely nothing.

She just stared out the window, her arms folded very tightly across her chest. It was apparent that she hadn’t been getting her caffeine; her eyes were dark and heavy from the possible lack of sleep.

Damien even attempted at a conversation, “No new ‘Ian did this’ or ‘Monica said that’ this morning?” He had a smile on his lips even if concern was consuming his gaze, flickering from the road to her turned head.

She vaguely muttered a dull response, “Haven’t seen them. Been very busy.”

“You’ve been busy? Is that why you look so tired?”

Something clicked in her brain and she finally faced him, “Hm? Oh, my coffee maker sparked a few days ago – haven’t been able to get my morning fix.” She attempted at a makeshift smile, but Damien saw right through it.

Why in Heaven’s Above would she try to hide something from him? He hated it when she felt like she had to hide from him.

As soon as they parked in the Smosh Office lot, Damien turned to give his full attention to one of his best friends.

“What’s wrong?”

She seemed taken aback, “Nothing.” She tried the handle of the door, finding it continuously locked.

“Something is obviously wrong, and I don’t think you should bottle it up.” He was leaning towards her, almost hovering over the seat compartment between them.

“I told you, I’m busy and stressed and tired,” she sneaked a half-way smile, shrugging her shoulders. “I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

Damien raised a suspicious eyebrow, “What kind of stuff?”

She seemed strained between answering and jumping out of the vehicle, “Sh-Shouldn’t we get inside? We still have work today, you know?”

He sighed at the humor she was forcing through her teeth, “You’re worrying me, (Y/N).”

“And I’m telling you there’s no reason to be.” She met his gaze but swallowed hard. Was that a blush creeping onto her face?

“And I’m telling you that I know you better than you think. And I know that something is bothering you! You can trust me – I’m your friend.”

Her gaze immediately dropped from his face at that statement. Her hands were starting to fidget in her lap, “Well… there – there might be something.”

Damien bit the inside of his cheek, anticipation consuming his worrying thoughts, “I told you I knew it.”

She let a small laugh escape, “How do you always know?”

“You are the least subtle person I know. Your ‘I have a secret’ vibe is literally visible from the moon.”

“I – I might… there’s th-this boy. And I can’t s-stop thinking about him.”

He tried to have a relaxed reaction, his focus on her continuously fidgeting hands, “A guy? You have a crush on a guy? Do I know this guy?”

She resisted a smile, “Maybe. He’s a friend.”

“Hm.” He wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about this. Something pushed him to make a retort, that she didn’t need to like another boy because she already had one right there, “Is he a good guy?”

She nodded a little more enthusiastically than he liked, “He’s very sweet and very kind. He’s always a gentleman and always does whatever he can to make me smile.”

Damien found himself holding his breath, “Do you hang with him often? Like does he consider you guys friends?”

“Oh, yes,” she sighed, keeping her gaze away from Damien’s. “I see him every once in a while and we always have so much fun. We surprisingly have a lot in common – we both like filming, we both like reading and playing games, we even have similar views on less partying and more movie nights.”

“Sounds like a great guy,” Damien gave a close-lipped smile, he had to decide between this strange feeling of jealousy and his fierce friendship with (Y/N). “You should definitely go for it – I mean, if that’s what your dilemma is. If you can’t stop thinking about him maybe you should make your move.”

He chose to be her friend first.

“I don’t know,” she bit her bottom lip, “I don’t think it’d work out – I don’t think he sees me like that. I guess I make a better friend than anything else.”

Damien scoffed, catching his genuine reaction to her words. This caused her to whip her eyes to him, confused.

“What are you talking about? Any guy would be lucky to have you! The only reason he would ever turn you down is because he’s too blind to see the perfect package right in front of him. And if that ends up being true, then good riddance because you deserve someone who thinks about you just as much as you’re thinking about him.”

Damien found his hands flailing around slightly as his smooth conversation turned a little heated; but the expression on (Y/N)’s face softened him again.

“You really think that?”

He found her wide eyes staring at him with desperate confirmation, “Why would I ever think otherwise?”

But very quickly he realized that there was still something incredibly wrong. Ever since that conversation (Y/N) had made it a special mission of hers to completely dodge every advance Damien made.

Their usual friendly greeting with the crew? She was excusing herself for the bathroom.

The walk Damien made to see how her directing was going? Matt Raub said she asked to help with editing.

The spot he always saved for her in the meeting room? Neglected as she sat far from him.

Their frequent lunch breaks together? She was nowhere to be found.

The hours they spent recording Smosh Games? She ignored his smile, plastering on an expressionless face.

The special treat he got her to cheer her up? She found him coming towards her office, so she skidded off in the opposite direction.

It was a pattern that continued throughout the entire week, something Damien was fed up with. What could he have possibly done to drive one of his best friends away?

Now as he sat on the couch sulking and dismissively scratching behind Zelda’s ears, he kept his mind trained on (Y/N).

First a confession about a boy. Days of consistent avoidance. And now it was like she hadn’t ever existed.

Damien never realized how big of a part she played in his life, staring at these past text messages with more and more regret:

III AT&T LTE 5:58 PM 23% 🔋

Mon, Aug 5, 11:26 AM

“You felt like editing today?”

1:40 PM

“Hey, are you feeling okay?”

“Is it about that guy? 😉”

 Tue, Aug 6, 10:14 AM

“Has your coffee maker been fixed yet?”

3:52 PM

“I was thinking we could hangout this weekend, you down? 😊”

6:51 PM

3 Missed Calls

“Are you ignoring me?”

 Fri, Aug 9, 11:38 PM

“No, seriously, (Y/N). Are you ignoring me?”

“(Y/N), if Shayne and Mari put you up to a practical joke like this, it’s not funny anymore.”

12:22 PM

2 Missed Calls

“I couldn’t find you for lunch, so I left something on your desk. Your favorite. ❤”

Wed, Aug 14, 5:09 PM

“You seemed off in SG today. Did something happen?”

7:44 PM

“I applaud your efforts in pranking me, but can you please talk to me?”

Sat, Aug 17, 10:31 AM

2 Missed Calls

“(Y/N), where are you?”

1 Missed Call

2:15 PM

“I bought you a little something to cheer you up – I left it by your bag. Will you please tell me what’s wrong? I miss you.”

 There was a knock at his door – something not uncommon recently. Courtney would usually bring over some Chinese take out or Wes would drop off an early release of a game Smosh received.

So Damien thought nothing of it as he reluctantly shuffled to the door, opening it carelessly.

And there was (Y/N) – wringing her hands and cautiously looking into his shocked gaze.

“Damien,” she muttered, her face blotchy and obviously raw from crying.

He didn’t even let her a second to explain before he ran over to sweep her into a bone-crushing hug. He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her easily off the ground and hiding his face into her shoulder.

“I thought… I didn’t think…”

She pulled away, heat rising to her face as she cast her eyes down, “I… I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know what to say or how to say it. So I just ran. But I – I’m trying something here.”

“(Y/N),” he felt his tired eyes burn, his glasses askew. “What did I do? Where have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen…”

“I’m in love with you.”

She had whispered it so quietly that he was afraid his ears didn’t hear correctly, “What?”

She swallowed hard, “I am utterly and completely in love with you Damien. And I didn’t know how to tell my best friend that I wanted to be more than just that with him. So I avoided you in hopes I’d stop getting so flustered being around you, but that only made it worse. And honestly, running away sounded like a pretty good idea until about ten minutes ago when Joven gave me an awesome pep talk – and I just…”

They stood there in silence for a few seconds, (Y/N) wringing her hands and Damien’s limp at his sides.

“This might have been the most pointless mental breakdown I’ve ever hand,” Damien finally muttered, replacing his shocked expression with a slight smile. “Did I really neglect getting more contacts because of secret feelings we have for each other?”

She didn’t seem to process what he said, “You know I’ve always liked your glass… wait – did you say…?”

“I’m in love with you too, (Y/N).” He grinned, taking a few steps towards her, “Please don’t you ever try to hide something like that from me again. I thought I’d just lost the greatest thing that ever happened to me.”

She let out an unexpected giggle, wiping at her eyes, “Greatest thing that ever happened to you?” She reached out and ran her fingers through his hair, bumping his glasses into place, “But you’re looking kinda rough.”

He reached up and grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in his, “Because there were four weeks and three days where I hadn’t talked to you once.”

“I had to bunk with Mari for a week just because I couldn’t stand not coming over here every other day,” she responded, laughing.

“We’re gonna have to change that.”

~~~

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[scarletlotus182]

commandersgrab replied to your post: what if i just did nothing this week

ive had “do nothing” weeks before and tbh by the middle of the second day i was motivated to do…anything again

tbh, I said this and 100% was already planning to spend all day on romhacking stuff on thursday when I take my adderall again (i take tues/weds off)

My social life is just like- actually busy now which is crazy to me? And I’m still very much an introvert and need to rest for a bit

[fuckcanontbh]

confessions in plain sight *stozier*

So this is for @ceftali in @stoziersecretsanta gift exchange! Sorry if this is late for you, but it is officially two hours into Christmas for me! This is my first time writing these characters so I apologize for any OOC-ness that happens. This is also my first contribution to the fandom, I hope you enjoy!

Note: bold lettering is Richie’s handwriting, words in [brackets] are actual song lyrics. Does contain swearing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun beat down on the group, water dripped from their hair, and despite everything huge smiles were on everyone's faces as Mike told a story from the farm. Today was the first day of summer, so all of their backpacks crowded the space as well. Soon enough the group would be dry enough to get dressed and hang out in the club house until dinner time. 

"Look, all I'm saying is that half of the problems in horror movies could be fixed if the characters weren't such idiots. I mean, really? If you see the murderer, why would you scream so he sees you?" Eddie's voice was the only noise as the group headed down into the club house.  "Y-yeah. But you have to t-th-think that it's for dramatic e-effect. The character's can't always have a s-s-satis-satisfying ending." The group's leader argued further with Eddie, the two of them continuing their debate in a corner of the clubhouse. 

"You're actually going to be starting school with us next year, Mike? Maybe now you'll actually believe us on how crazy school can be! All the stories we've told you about Richie and Bev are true, and Richie told me he's got some crazy stuff planned for our senior year!" Ben's excited voice came from another side of the clubhouse, Mike and Bev sitting in front of him on bean bags the group had added when winter made the ground too cold and hard to sit on comfortably. Stan watched all of this happen and then his eyes fell on Richie, who was unusually quiet as he sat in the hammock, reaching into his bookbag for something. "What are you looking for?" Richie jumped at Stan's voice, but quickly pulled a comic out of his bag. "Nothing but the newest X-Men comic, Stanny my boy, you'll never believe the kind of shit Storm cooks up this time!" Stan peered down at Richie, but the boy's grin seemed genuine so he shrugged and sat down, looking over Richie's shoulder. ~ "Alright, we'll see you tomorrow! Meeting at my house at four, right?" Beverly had already made her way up the ladder, but Ben was still waiting for an answer from Richie and Stan. "Haystack, you know I'll be there. Can't let your mom miss me too much!" Stan's hand reached out to smack Richie before he could stop it. "Tell everyone Richie has been uninvited." Ben simply laughed at their antics and shook his head as he climbed out into the little bit of sunlight left. 

"We should probably head out soon, did you want to come over for dinner?" The blonde stood and brushed imaginary dust off his shirt and khakis. "Uh, hell yeah! Mrs. Uris makes the best food around here! Don't tell Ben I said that, his mom's cookies are good as hell." "Yeah, yeah. C'mon Trashmouth, I think mom is making meatballs and spaghetti squash." ~ Stan's house had been Richie Tozier free for about thirty minutes when Stan noticed Richie had left his bookbag next to his bed in his haste for dinner. The zipper was mostly undone and everything was one trip away from being all over Stan's floor. The boy rolled his eyes and bent down to zip it up when a small notebook caught his eyes. The book itself was simple on the outside, but it looked like a bunch of random things were also stuck into the book, making it thicker than it needed to be. It also looked like it was almost full, a slim part of the back of the notebook was still flat. 

"Just leave it alone, Stan, it's none of your business." The boy brushed his teeth and put on his matching blue and white striped pajamas before climbing into bed. Minutes seemed to drag on forever before Stan stopped fighting himself and turned on his lamp before he grabbed the notebook. "It's probably just some dumb jokes Richie's thought of...or maybe some songs he's working on?" ~ 'Science HW due Thurs 28th' 'hang out after school @ quarry' '[Somewhere I'd never ever known, right at the back of my head, it hit me like a flashlight lighthouse beam of light]' ~ "Seems like it's just somewhere for him to put all his thoughts. Wonder who the song's about..." With the idea that the book was just a glance at Richie's mind as it worked a mile a minute, Stan continued reading. ~ 'Bev is the best!! girl offered me smokes even after i had to convince her skipping mrs. hepburns class was a good idea.' 'FUCK BOWERS' 'Math HW due Tues 4th' '[Cause you talk to me and it goes over my head...]' 'operation: get haystack the girl of his dreams walk her to class!! maybe walk her home sometimes? don't offer too much help bc bev hates that! write more of his sappy poems' 'gotta stop with the your mom jokes, not funny anymore' 'why is history so boring? REMINDER: ask ben to explain' 'start saving money-no more big spending at the arcade' ~ Stan scoffed at the thought of the curly haired boy giving up his favorite past time. "What's he even need to save money for anyway? He's already gotten that truck of his." ~ 'work @ 12-9 sat, sun and @ 5-12 mon, wed, fri' 'do i have an "it" factor? don't wanna miss out on making my mark on the world.' 'i don't even think he knows he does it. soft little smile on his face when he gets to a difficult problem, who does he think he is???' 'ma and dad fought all last night again. big bill asked what was up but i didn't want to talk about it. comedy is a good distraction' 'work @ 12-9 sat, sun and @ 5-12 mon, tues, wed, fri' 'glad i saved up some money, had to buy groceries again. ma's getting real bad again. haven't seen dad in a few days.' 'can't believe i got lucky enough to have such good friends. billy invited us all over for a horror movie marathon, ben and bev were put in charge of snacks. seems operation: get haystack the girl of his dreams is in motion. good for him! now if only i could get bill, mike, eddie, and stan lovers...' '[you've been on my mind boy girl since the flood]' 'ma passed out on the couch last night, guess it's a good thing i'm a lot bigger now. carried her to bed then went for a drive.' 'i swear he gets prettier the more i look at him' 'haystack just told me he scored a date!!!' 'HW due wed 18th' 'dad came home last night. got a good earful from him. maybe i should just stop talking? not like i got the nickname 'trashmouth' for something good. wonder if anyone would even notice' 'taught myself how to make chicken alfredo, actually got ma to eat with me.' 'i think i'm gonna tell him' 'nope. not gonna tell him. there's no way it would end good. out of all of our friends he's the least likely to want me' 'they say it is better to have loved and lost than never to love at all. but then it's 2 am and all you can think about is him, and you know he isn't thinking about you' ~ Stan snapped the book shut and quickly shoved it back into Richie's bag, thoughts flooding his mind. "Who is this boy Richie is crushing on? Is it Eddie? Eddie does yell at him a lot...and they have a bunch of classes together." "I didn't know things had gotten so bad at home. Mrs. Tozier used to be a saint.." "Is Richie okay?" He couldn't pin point why, but as  he clicked his lamp off, Stan's chest hurt, but before a tear could escape his eyes he rolled over and pulled his covers up to his chin. ~ "Hey Rich, you left this at my house last night." Stan held the bag in-between them, his eyes refusing to meet Richie's, his chest still tight like the night before. "Stan the Man! My savior, got some important goods in here!" The blonde's eyebrows raised, finally looking at Richie's face just for the boy to look away quickly. "Can't lose my comic so soon now can I?"

"My mom made cookies!!" Ben walked into the living room,  plate piled with chocolate chip cookies in his hands. "Ben Handsome, you are nothing if not the son of a saint, if you know what I mean." Richie dived for the plate, one cookie already in his mouth and three in his hands. 

"Beep, beep, Richie!" Eddie scoffed and bumped the boy's shoulder, taking one cookie from Ben's plate. Stan watched as Richie's shoulders deflated, and the brunet ate his second cookie much slower. Before he could say anything Mike and Beverly's voices took everyone's attention towards the TV. 

"We're not doing more horror movies, we did that like two weeks ago!" Beverly was swatting at the movies in Mike's hands, trying to reach across him to put her VHS into the VCR player. "She's not w-wr-wrong Mike. Let's just do the Disney marathon." At Bill's words Mike sighed and gave in, backing away from the TV so suddenly that Beverly fell forward slightly. 

"Did you see that foul play my good man? Foul play I say!" Richie nudged Bill just to be shrugged off as the boy grabbed a cookie and moved to sit on the couch. ~ "I think I'm gonna go ahead and head home you guys. I'm getting one of those notorious Tozier headaches." Richie stood behind the couch as the credits to Bambi played, bookbag slung over his shoulder. "Yeah, yeah, bye Richie." "See ya, Trashmouth." "I think I'm gonna head out too, gotta help my mom clean up a bit before my aunt stays with us." "Dang, bye Stan." "Have fun with that Stan!" ~ "Hey Rich, think you can give me a ride?" The boy nodded and started his truck, hurriedly throwing a couple things behind the bench seat of his truck. 

"Only the best for a prince, amiright?" If Stan didn't know better he'd say Richie's ears had gone a little pink. His truck started and he pulled out of Ben's driveway onto the road. 

"Are you actually getting a headache Richie? Cause if not, I wanna talk.." His hands gripped the steering wheel a little tighter but Richie put on a smile and glanced at Stan.

"Always knew you could see through me. Don't know if we can have this conversation without your mother though, she wanted to be the one to break the news."

"Oh shut up asshole." Despite his words Stan felt himself smiling as Richie snickered. 

"I just want to say I'm sorry first. Because I shouldn't have pried. But I thought it was just gonna be stupid stuff. Maybe some black mail material."

"Wait, you read my fucking journal? Stanley that's fucked dude! I would never do that to you. I can't believe you went through my bag. Guess straight cut Stan isn't as honest a man as I thought. Dude, what is your problem?"

A red light had stopped them, and Richie was able to look at Stan in the eye now, his brown eyes angry, but also coming off as slightly panicked. 

"Look, I really didn't mean to get into your heavy shit. I thought it was just gonna be full of those little doodles you do in class and some new song lyrics. I didn't read too much of it Just a couple pages, maybe three tops! It's just got me worried about you."

"What did you read Stanley? Worried I'm sick? I can't really say I'm surprised." Brown eyes rolled and he clicked his tongue as he pulled forward.

"Sick? What- no. I'm worried about your mom and dad." 

"You know that's none of your fucking business. We're just fine at the Tozier residence. Nothing has changed, Went works all the time and Ma takes care of the house. Don't start talking like you know anything about them. Get out of my car, Uris."

"Rich-"

"No, I said I'd give you a ride home, and here we are. The Uris residence. Go help your mom clean up and figure out how to stay out of other people's business."

Stan sighed and hung his head as he got out of the truck, only turning his head towards the street when Richie sped off, a cloud of smoke following him. ~ "Beverly, I really messed up the other day." "Sweetheart, Richie is known for the theatrics, don't let it get you down." "Yeah, Stan, that boy is like a rubber ball, he'll bounce back."

A shaky hand worked it's way through blonde curls, brown eyes bounced around the room, landing on Bev sitting in the window smoking, the radio sitting next to her turned down quiet enough for them to talk over, and Mike sitting criss cross on the bed. 

"Stan, what even happened? I have never seen you this worried over some little fight with Richie."

"Look, I know it was wrong, but I accidentally read his very personal journal." Stan cringed as he said the words, already feeling Mike's eyes on him when Beverly whipped her head in his direction.

"How do you accidentally read someone's journal man?" "What did you read Stan?

Mike and Bev spoke at the same time, and Bev's cigarette was out before Stan could explain. 

"Look, he's just got some shit going on at home, and he doesn't want to bother us with it...andIthinkhemighthaveacrushonEddie." "What was that last part?" "I think he mighthaveacrushonEddie." "Stan, breathe sweetheart we aren't gonna yell at you." "I think he might have a crush on Eddie and I'm not sure why I'm upset about it." 

Mike and Bev shared a knowing look over Stan's down tilt head, Bev's eyebrows raised in a silent question that Mike answered with a nod.

"You may be one of the smartest most oblivious person I've met Stanley Uris." "You've had that boy wrapped around your finger since you became friends in second grade." "Guess you just didn't realize he had you around his finger as well."

Mike's words stung at first, but when Beverly pointed out who Richie's crush was, Stan's face lit up like a light. His cheeks dusted with pink as he met their eyes.

"You're being serious. Fuck, now I've really messed up. He thinks I hate him!" ~ "This is such a bad fucking idea. He hates you right now Stan." With a sigh the boy threw the first stone at the second floor window. It took three stones for Richie Tozier to open his window, and only one glance to see Stan before he was retreating again. 

"Wait, Richie! Please, I just want to talk. Can we go for a ride?" Stan watched with bated breath as the shadow at the window hovered another moment before it retreated.

"Called that one."

And then Richie was climbing down the siding of his house.

"Be careful! Why didn't you use the front door dumbass?" All Stan got in response was an eye roll and a thumb pointing to the car in the drive way, Went was home.

"Oh." "Yeah, oh. Let's go. Been itching to go somewhere anyway." ~ The only sound in the truck was the two boys' breathing and a soft static from the radio. Stan swallowed air and watched as they passed the movie theatre. 

"Look, I really am sorry. I just want you to talk to us more. You're acting like some shitty parenting is where we draw the line, have you completely forgotten that fucking clown?"

"I know. Sorry for being a brat the other day. I just don't like people to see that stuff, I have a reputation ya know? Comedian first, dumbass second, and softie never."  Richie turned left, leading to the outskirts of town.

"Yeah, wouldn't want to ruin this perfect "class clown" persona you've got going on."

"Stanley Uris, did you just use air quotes to describe my entire personality to me?"

A chuckle escaped Richie and the truck air suddenly felt much lighter. "You're a lot more than that you know. You're more than some shitty but perfect timed your mom jokes. We keep you around for a lot more than a laugh." "What else am I good at Stan? All I do is mouth off and tell bad jokes." Brown curls came down from Richie's bun as he shook his head, leading the two of them past a sign asking visitors to come back to Derry.

"They may be bad jokes, but they still make us laugh. You're always the first one to put aside time for any of us, all we have to do is ask. And- stop shaking your head. Who took the time when we were all younger to listen to Eddie explain which of his inhalers were for what and how to administer them? Who learned how to cut hair just to help Bev save money and keep it trimmed? Who helped Mike shear the sheep when Spring started just so he could hang out with us sooner? Who practiced endless tongue twister with Bill to help with his stutter? Who did all that? Richie Tozier did. You give us everything and never expect anything back. All I wanna do is give back. God knows you deserve it."

"Hey now, don't bring the big man into this conversation." Despite the levity of what he was saying, Stan could hear the tears on the other boy's voice. 

"I didn't mean to make you cry. You just have such a big heart, and I think sometimes you don't know what to do with it...I saw the notes about a boy. You know we wouldn't judge you for that! Shit, none of us batted an eye when Big Bill came out as bisexual, so why would we care. You deserve to be happy, Rich. I just want you to be happy." 

The more he spoke, the quieter Stan's voice became and the louder his blood rushed in his ears. Silence enveloped the truck again, and soon the tires came to a stop over a patch of grass. 

"Did you mean all of that?"

Richie Tozier was not a small boy anymore, he was all long limbs of 6'2, and had developed a jawline sharp enough to cut a man, but right now, in the dim light of his dashboard, swallowed by a grey hoodie and hunched over, Richie Tozier reminded Stan of that scared boy in the sewers. 

"Every last word. And I think you should know that a little birdie told me that I might be the inspiration for some of those lovely lyrics in your book..." Glasses nearly flew off Richie's face with how quickly he shot his head up, worried brown eyes magnified by the lenses. 

"Bev, that bitch."

"I wouldn't say that quite yet. She pointed something else out to me too. She said I've had you wrapped around my finger since we met in second grade, but she also said that you've had me wrapped around your finger for a while now too. And I've got to say, she's right. Can't believe she knows me better than both of us. But yeah, Rich, you've had me wrapped around your finger since you told my mom at age six that she had better get used to you because you'd be around for a while."

Richie put the truck in park, unbuckled and shifted to be more in the middle of the truck, and the yellow of the radio highlighted the pink on his cheeks perfectly. "Stan...I don't really know what to say. Still can't believe she ratted me out like that." 

"Say you're gonna let us in more. Say she was right. Say you want to give this a shot.”

"I want to give this a shot. I'm pretty sure I've been in love with you since we were twelve." A warm hand gently took Stan's as he spoke, squeezing gently before he scooted just a bit closer. 

"Slow down there Tozier, I've only just opened my eyes to the fact that you might be it for me, let me catch up before we start tossing the L word around. Buy me dinner first at least."

A genuine chuckle and Richie moved back to his seat, his hand still in Stan's. "How bout a late dinner at-", brown eyes glanced at the clock,"-nearly one a.m?" "Lead the way, Tozier. I'll be right with you."

[sparrow-ink]

covid diaries aka memoirs of the plague

trying to keep my thoughts organized and coherent has been a bitch recently, so i’m going to try to put them down more or less in order here and see where we end up. this is going to be heavy on personal covid content and might get long, so please skip if either distresses you.

so last tues, the uh... 24th i guess, i started feeling ill. mostly like allergies plus a bad headache. i had a feeling i was getting sick but didn’t want to alarm my spouse or housemate/best friend, so stuck with ‘could very well be allergies and dehydration.’ also it very well could have been, and it was very reassuring for us all to tell each other that. my company had already moved the majority of employees to work-from-home, including me, so i already wasn’t going to come into contact with anyone outside my home.

symptoms got worse over the next few days, congestion, headache, feeling feverish, cough started up. we didn’t own a thermometer, and my spouse and housemate tried every wal-mart, wal-greens, target, etc to find one. housemate said at one place they laughed at her when she asked if they had any. i tried ordering one on amazon with no luck. either they were $90+, out of stock, or not shipping until may. i settled on ordering on for shipment in may. the seller messaged me the next day and said they couldn’t fulfill the order and asked to cancel it.

from our last costco trip we had already (unintentionally) gotten stocked up on toilet paper, snacks, and some dry goods. at some point before I got sick, spouse and I bought a bag of rice and bag of potatoes, because I intermittently try to do mealprepping and seemed being stuck at home would be a good time to try again, what with national and state-wide states of emergency being declared. also seemed good to have them in supply. and we were still stocked up on cold and flu medecine from when i got bronchitis mid-dec to mid-jan. so we were/are pretty well-stocked on essentials? that was reassuring, as i was obviously, noticeably sick by last friday.

i was hoping i would get better over the weekend but i did not. still couldn’t find a thermometer anywhere. governor had issued the state-wide stay-at-home order on uh...thurs? weds? but already being sick, and already working from home, and not going out, it didn’t really affect me much?

i feel like i should mention at this point that since the state of emergency was declared and we started to transition to working from home, i’d been trying to ration my social media (tumblr/twitter/insta) time for my sanity. but also not having information makes me feel helpless, so i had the CDC covid page up and checked every day. and then the colorado state covid page too. seeing the numbers of confirmed cases double, and triple, from week to week was... hm.

also one of my younger siblings moved from colorado to arizona at the start of march, and presumably lost their phone because i haven’t heard from them since despite poking. that hasn’t been concerning during a global pandemic. not at all. they’re probably not dead. i mean, you’d think a bitch could call their older sibling to let them know they’re not dead, but whatever. i’m sure they’re fine. probably. anyway.

where was i. so by the weekend i was Not Feeling Well At All Actually. my cough had become “scary.” my housemate did all the dishes in the kitchen despite not being responsible for most of them. i felt, and sounded, disgusting.

i checked the covid testing requirements again, and basically found that in colorado you had to be dying to be tested for covid. cool.

monday rolled around, still not better. i ended up having work computer issues (their end, not mine) where i basically ended up laying on the couch in my office while IT did IT things. a blessing. i slogged through the rest of the day. just felt like i wasn’t tracking well, couldn’t focus on shit. that evening while watching shows with husbeast & housemate, i had a truly uncontrollable coughing spasm/fit that seemed to just go on. could barely talk without coughing. i coughed all night. i basically didn’t sleep.

tuesday morning i woke up, and started coughing again. i could hear a crackle echo up my throat when i breathed if i was in the right position. i sat up to try and get my breath. i think it was like 6 am. spouse creature (already awake from my coughing) gently rubbed my back. i started crying. i just wanted to sleep, and i couldn’t sleep, and i couldn’t stop coughing, and i felt like i could barely breathe, and things just hurt, and i couldn’t think straight. i felt so... defeated. i think it freaked out the spouse creature. i usually only cry during children’s movies.

i took the day off of work. i hadn’t taken a day yet because i was already working from home, and it was the end of the month which is the busiest for my team, and my boss had said last week that if i felt i could work, they needed me. by tuesday morning i was out of energy and also fucks. i got in the queue for a teladoc appointment. per the CDC and colorado covid websites, telehealth visits are to be the first option in order to help prevent the spread, etc. also i would have done teladoc anyway bc i don’t have a PCP.

it took a few hours to get connected with a doctor. i think i started coughing while he did his intro thing. he basically said, well i think i know what you’re calling about, but why don’t you tell me. i told him. and coughed some more. he said my symptoms are consistent with covid, and in a perfect world they’d be able to get me in for rapid testing, but they couldn’t. that basically people are only getting tested at this point who are getting admitted to the hospital. some people were able to access testing through their PCPs but even that was drying up. he advised me to self-isolate (already on it lol) and for my household to self-quarantine for at least two weeks from when i started showing symptoms. and i could un-self-isolate once the majority of my symptoms calmed down AND when i didn’t have a fever for three days straight with no meds. he prescribed me an inhaler and a cough suppressant pill, though he said the cough suppressant might not do much since it didn’t seem to be working for anyone else with similar.

husbeast had run out to get some more supplies by the time i got on the vidcall with the doc, mostly liquids and electrolytes. he went back out once i gave him the rundown, to fill my prescription and get me the good costco chicken soup once they were open. he also, miracle of miracles, managed to find and buy a temporal thermometer at costco for like $45 i think. a true champion. my temp seemed to be fine in the afternoon, a touch above normal but fine. i’m not actually sure what my personal base temperature is. i should also say that i’d been consistently taking dayquil and sudafed since the previous weds.

that evening my temp started to go up. and up. or at least i think it was tuesday night. maybe it was weds? freaked out spouse, i got up to 102 F even with sudafed and additional acetaminophen. i basically had a fever from tues through this morning (friday), while taking pills like clockwork. always seemed to get worse in the afternoon/evening and be better in the morning. today at least it’s stayed below 100F, even mostly below 99F.

the cough and difficulty breathing has been the worst part. i have delicate baby lungs to begin with, and i have allergies and a history of childhood asthma. so i’m already paranoid about my breathing even with a normal cold. but to hear that i would have to immediately proceed to emergency services should my symptoms progress to: can only get a few words out, can’t stand up or walk across the room, can’t maintain conciousness, to hear that was... something. because then it’s basically like, okay, if I get pneumonia and my lungs are filling up, then i can go see a doctor in person. cool. and i know it says on the websites that there’s no approved treatment for coronavirus, that treatment for less severe cases will be the same at home as it would be in person, but shit. i woke up so many times last night feeling like i was fighting for air, waking up because i was coughing so hard i had to sit up all the way to breathe, and i kept thinking, what if i just stop breathing in my sleep? not like i would notice, right?

it’s been scary. i’ve been trying not to freak out my people with more crying and whatnot, but i’ve already got anxiety and this shit aint helping. i’m trying to stay relatively calm and not make them deal with me losing my shit on top of already taking care of me and bringing me soup and water and pills and asking what they can do for me. i’m tired of being sick. i want a new pair of lungs. i want to not feel like i’ve been hit by a truck. my ribs hurt from coughing so much. my chest hurts. my whole body aches. the headache keeps coming and going. i can’t stop fucking coughing. i don’t want to die, i just want to maybe go into a coma and wake up when this is all over. once the line of dump trucks has stopped running me over.

and i’m just so mad at the lack of preparedness in the US. i’m so pissed that i can’t even get tested, i can’t know for sure what the fuck is happening to me. i’m so mad that the cheeto is president during this. i hate this fucking timeline. i hate that we don’t even have clear numbers on cases because of mismanagement. i hate that i keep feeling like i’m about to throw up because i’m coughing so fucking hard. real fucking reassuring to know that the symptoms i’ve been told to watch for, to know that i need to go to the hospital, are the same ones that constitute an emergency and would mean that i would basically have to be rushed there. wearing a facemask if we can find one.

ugh. the other worst part is that i haven’t even been really coherent enough to write. and i’ve only been able to settle on a few things to read and watch. being sick makes me picky and like, impossible to please. so i’m spoiled for choice with 4+ streaming services, but nothing sounds good. and my people are working from home, but they’re still working. they can’t spend all their time with me. i’m bored, and everything is garbage, and there are only so many times i can rewatch the princess bride. i have been napping quite a lot, but even that doesn’t take all day.

maybe i’ll write some crackfic. then it doesn’t have to be coherent. and it would be in the spirit of covid to write some real absurd shit i think.

anyway. i might delete this later. i feel better for getting events put down and venting.  also i apologize, i have no idea how to do a readmore cut on tumblr anymore.

[prorevenge]

You okay the project for the whole team? Great turn it in to the professor tomorrow

Tl/dr; Kids in group project don’t take having a real life client seriously, 1 fails, 1 fails and doesn’t graduate, and 1 goes from A to C and screws up GPA.

  Enough of the Backstory, here are the characters, obviously no where near their real names:

Matt - Professor

Client - Store owner

Damien - Project Partner

Jeff - Project Partner

Kirk - Project Partner

Barry - Me

      The SPRING class in this story was a Implementing Business Computer Systems class. For the yearly project we had a real life client that our school volunteered the students for Pro Bono work of small business in the area. We were seniors, so we are trusted with the clients work as it is oversaw by our professor. This is a big step and I, for one, am excited. I had been doing nothing but working as a Bartender/Server in a fine dining restaurant and having my head in books learning how to code with barely any time to do much else - this was an opportunity to get a taste of the real world we were about to embark on.

      The project started out fine, we all drive thirty minutes away to meet our client. A wonderful woman that owned a small floral business and she was paying 1-800-flowers to sell her product for her, which came with a website itself and a HUGEEEE price. This lady was also in her 60s and by no means fluent in computer - this is important for later. We talk, find out she wants a new website, her contract with 1-800-assholes ends in the summer. No pressure, we will be able to finish the web site and give it to her by the end of the semester, if not earlier. This will give us time to teach her what is needed and what to do so that she can maintain and run the website by her self. Afterwards we delegate the tasks, and since I have the most extensive background in coding and computers, I volunteer to learn how to create this website for our client as long as Damien, Jeff and Kirk work on the other parts of the project - the user guide and the technical documentation. For our client, this needed to be extensive so that she would be able to post her product on the website with an easy transition.

      As we weigh our options over the next week, we come up with some proposals to the client and we set a meeting to go over these on a Tuesday - the day everybody is the most free in their schedule - the following week. Sunday - Jeff says he can't make it, Kirk quickly responds and says he can't make it either. I say its cool, Damien and I will be able to make it. Monday - Damien says we should reschedule because now he can't make it. I say no, I will go by myself we shouldn't cancel on the client - no biggie, I understand things come up. As the project went through the semester, I am killing the website. I have a working e-commerce store integrated with the stores paypal, i have a shop tab, and a featured page for in season flowers. I ask about the documentation and the user manual and I am told by the all three of them that they are working on it and will have a rough draft for me soon to check out. Cool, No problem. Time to show the client the product to see if she wants any changes or if we should just continue creating this website for her; we set a meeting with the client on a Tuesday a week or two in advance and everybody says that is okay.

      Same song, different story. Sunday - Jeff says he can't make it, Kirk quickly responds and says he can't make it either. I say its cool, Damien and I will be able to make it. Monday - Damien says we should reschedule because now he can't make it. "I say fuck no, this is a client. You don't do that to clients." So I hop my ass by myself to drive 30 minutes to meet our client. I show the Client the website and she client is happy with the product and asks us to continue and she is excited for the finished product.

      How our weeks are set up is in such a way which they start on a Wednesday and end on a Tuesday. So the last day of classes are on a Tuesday. The school then gives an extra free day that Wednesday for a "Study Day", then the exams schedule goes Thu-Fri-Sat || Mon-Tues-Wed. I am sure you can infer what students do on that Tuesday before study day. Fast forward to the end of the semester, I still haven't seen any documentation or user manual and it is due on the class' exam day, which is the first day of exam week. So a week before it is due I am told I will have the documentation and user manual in my hand before our meeting which is at 12PM that study day - Wednesday. I receive a email at 11PM on Tuesday as I am getting off work and I see that is the technical documentation and the user manual. i open it up, promptly get pissed, turn off my laptop, play some xbox and pass out before midnight. The reason being, technical documentation was 1 page and did not contain anything about the Database Schema used, the website language, the paypal information, the emails registered. Just the URL and some other information that wasn't important and was half a page long. Remember how our client was in her 60s? The user manual was 1 and a half pages long and, I shit you not, contained about 5 sentences and 3 pictures with an arrow. 0 explanation on how to use the website.

      Come to the meeting at 12pm, I show up and wait about 5 minutes. I then text everybody asking where they are at, no response. I start looking over how to fix the user manual since I obviously have to start over. While I am working on it, I haven't said anything and then Damien walks into the room.

  D: "Did you get the docs?"

Me: "Yeah. You guys really think this is finished?"

D: "Oh yeah, it should be good to turn in."

Me: "Idk, I think we should add a little more, this is for our client, she won't understand this. Where is Jeff and Kirk?"

D: " ahhahaha We all got fucked up last night after finishing up the documentation, they are probably still passed out. Also, I'm turning it in tomorrow, if you want to do anything else go ahead, but whatever I have I am turning it in. I think its ready to turn it so I won't be doing anything else, I have other classes to study for. I already have an A in this class so it doesn't matter to me and Kirk and Jeff have A's as well so they don't care at all."

      Perfect he said the magic words and then he left with a flash drive. I immediately went upstairs and told my professor, Matt, everything. I said I don't want to leave my client hanging, yes my client, not ours. Matt said that he completely understands and even commends me for wanting to stay on top of everything and not give our client a bad taste for our students. He then asks why. I simply stated, "What you are about to receive tomorrow for 'our' project is completely unacceptable. It is unfair for us and for our client to leave her hanging." I showed him the website, which he likes and then I showed him the user guide and technical documentation. I asked for an extra week to finish the documentation and user guide - as I had a plan for what it should be and needed time to create it all. Matt said absolutely, but forget about the documentation. You obviously know what is in it, just focus on the client. So I created user videos with dictation, drove to the client and showed her how to use it all, where to find the videos. I even created a program that had all the videos inside so she could have it on her desktop and the program pulled up the video of her choice for whatever she needed help with with some buttons so she wouldn't have to search folders for the videos. I gave her my contact info and said I'll be here over the summer if she ever needs help with the website or has any questions and I can swing by.

    After all of this happened and afterwards I gave an update to Matt who also had an update from me. Apparently he almost failed the rest of my group because they turned in their project by slipping an unmarked USB drive under his door. He only accepted it after they emailed him asking him if he received the USB. Matt also called our client to verify my story of the fact that they never showed for client meetings and the client told him I was the only person that has been showing up. Hearing this from other people, anybody in my group that had A's in the class leading up to the project got a C, anybody with a B in the class failed. Damien's GPA was screwed up from this class as it was a 4 hours class. Kirk and Jeff both failed and Jeff wasn't allowed to graduate and Kirk had to retake it the next semester even though he wasn't graduating. My grade which was an 84 before the project was bumped to an A. The next year Damien asked how I did in that class because he was confused about his final grade, and I simply said I did fine, received an A. He has no idea the reason why. Don't f*ck with me and my grade and I won't f*ck with you.

(source) story by (/u/sw1mm3r202)

[whentherewerebicycles]

jesus okay well between student meetings and lesson planning I worked 9-4:30 on a day off ughh. BUT I am going to put this day in reserve and use it to grant myself a guilt-free no work day some other time this month.

some good news: doing those pre-seminar instructions on Sunday/Monday is super time-intensive, but it also means that I have a significant chunk of the planning work for Friday’s class already finished! so I am hoping that the pain of frontloading the week will take pressure off the latter half. also online learning is forcing me to be insanely organized with my lesson plans which means I’m going to have really well-documented class records for perhaps the first time ever.

I have a couple do-or-die tasks left, the most urgent of which is updating their employment contracts and uploading them to docusign. I think I’m going to let myself do that tomorrow even though I should really power through... but no, fuck it, the work day is over.

this semester my scheduling goals are:

preserve 10-11 on Mondays for reading through their weekly project logs

keep student meetings to Mondays and Thursdays as much as possible. I don’t mind having loooong days if it means that Tues/Wed can be days where I don’t have to shower or Zoom at all

no meetings before 10:30 so I can continue working out in the mornings

restrict lesson planning to Friday mornings as much as possible—and once I have some good routines going I may be able to lesson plan AND write up the next week’s assignments all in the same day

consider preserving either Tues or Wed as a sacred research/writing day

consider preserving the other day for getting ahead on thesis advising work, rec letter writing, and whatever other projects inevitably come up