#but I will not leave myself vulnerable in case it’s another trash live action

[bingeingallnight]

ao3 has been down for an hour. Just 30 minutes to go. We can do this, let’s go!

[pipipinyyy]

Explaining why I have added every song in my entire and very long Niragi playlist because I can and because over analyzing him is my passion (I usually update it from time to time but I'll do it with the current songs)

Completely self indulgent post, but I decided to share to feed my fellow Niragi stans (*˙︶˙*)☆*°

This is entirely based on my view of the songs and how I interpret them while thinking about Niragi. I'm aware that most of them have entirely different meanings, this is just for fun :) (Also sorry if my explanations don't make much sense, English is not my first language and I might make mistakes when trying to put my feelings and thoughts into words)

This may contain manga/s2 spoilers

Hayloft-Mother Mother: Vibes

Criminal-Britney Spears: The whole song describes him ("he is a sucker with a gun") and the fandom's obsession ("mama I'm in love with a criminal")

Daddy Issues-The Neighborhood: I feel like he would act like this, using the most vulnerable spots to pick on someone ("cry little girl, nobody does it like you do")

Psycho-Jin Dogg, OVER KILL: Vibes

Riot-Hollywood Undead: He'd definitely start a riot like he did in the 10 of hearts, burning and destroying anything that crosses his path

Bitches-Mindless Self Indulgence: He most likely thinks he's a total fuckboy and popular with girls since he can get almost anything he wants out of scarying people

Baby's on Fire-Die Antwoord: Vibes

Insane in the Brain-Cypress Hill: This man is being consumed by his own way of protecting himself

Wolf in Sheep's Clothing-Set It Off: Based on how he feels towards the people who hurt him in the past ("Listen, mark my words, one day, you will pay" "You've always been a huge piece of shit, if I could kill you, I would" "Karma is gonna come collect your debt")

Death no more-IC3PEAK: Vibes

Gasoline-I Prevail: Sort of similar to Riot, ("So burn it all down, burn it all down, I don't give a fuck")

Toxic-Britney Spears: The whole fandom knows how much of a piece of shit this dude can be, but we still find ourselves liking/enjoying his character (to an extent), a toxic addiction

Nice Guy-GRLwood: As much as I love this man, he'd use the "I'm a nice guy c'mon" card just to fuck. If he wants to, he'll get it, if he doesn't, he'll most likely get mad

Dernière danse-Indila: Vibes

TRRST-IC3PEAK: Mostly vibes, I kinda see this song as how he felt the first time he killed someone on purpose inside the borderlands ("mama they say I'm a terrorist, I did nothing wrong but I got on the blacklist")

Saint Bernard-Lincoln: Vibes

Nowhere To Run-Stegosaurus Rex: Being with him at the Beach would either be ignoring each other completely or a game of tag, no inbetween. If this man wants to kill you, he'll get his fun time out of it as well ("You're gonna die, I'm gonna kill you")

The House of Wolves-Bring Me The Horizon: Based on how he sees life after being consumed by his current mental state ("Show me a sign, show me a reason to give a solitary fuck about your god damn beliefs" "What you call faith, I call a sorry excuse")

Smells Blood-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

SIU-Maretu: Similar to Daddy Issues, don't expect this man to be a therapist. If he sees anyone crying or panicking in or outside a game, he'd most likely tell them to suck it up, just like this song.

Judgement-Kensuke Ushio: Vibes

MONSTER ENERGY GUN!-KevinKempt: Vibes + He for sure has an energy drink addiction, specially pre-borderlands

HURT-1 800 PAIN: Vibes

Fear Is The Mind Killer-Zheani: Vibes

I Bet on Losing Dogs: Based on how I know Niragi is toxic, and most likely unsaveable of his deteriorating mental state, but I still have him as my biggest comfort character ("I bet on losing dogs, I know they're losing and I'll pay for my place")

Emo Boy-Ayesha Erotica: He's been in an emo phase (and maybe still is), the lyrics are pretty self explanatory, they describe us Niragi simps perfecrly ("come on fuck me emo boy")

Crybaby-Destroy Boys: Vibes

The Fox's Wedding-MASA Works DESIGEN: Vibes

You're a useless child-Kikuo: We don't know much about his past, but judging by the unstoppable bullying he's suffered, his parents didn't care about him, or were straight up absent. He's been insulted by pretty much everyone in his past to the point of believing it and telling those things to himself ("You're a useless child, the most useless child in this world" "Drool in snot, dandruff, shit and piss" "I'm a useless child" "Nobody will save me" "I'm a lonely kid")

Take A Slice-Glass Animals: Vibes

Fighting With The Melody-Jimmy Urine: Vibes

Comics-Caravan Palace: Vibes

Rhinestone Eyes-Gorillaz: Vibes

Butch 4 Butch-Rio Romero: Mostly vibes, sort of how I think the most "peacefull" moments in a relationship with him would feel like, kind of bittersweet feeling

Suki Suki Daisuki-Jun Togawa: Yandere Niragi. If he's interested in someone, he'd go through an obsessive phase, most likely forcing the other person to "love" him. This man is so confused about the feeling of love that he's unable to tell when he loves someone or when he's obsessed with them due to his lack of attention ("Like you, like you, I love you. Say you love me or I'll kill you")

:(-The Garden: Vibes

Kitty City-Cyriak Harris: Vibes

Blood-My Chemical Romance: If Niragi went to a therapist, he'd act like this song, with his signature cocky and sarcastic personality (at least before he gets better) ("I can't control myself because I don't know how" "They can fix me proper with a bit of luck" "I'm the kind of human wreckage that you love")

A Mask of My Own Face-Lemon Demon: He feels like he needs to protect himself or else he will get hurt inside the borderlands by others again. He uses another personality, a completely ruthless one, even if he doesn't like it and hates himself for it, he doesn't see another way to deal with his fear, allowing his "new self" to consume himself. ("I'd wear that mask of my own face" "I look into my eyeholes and what do I see? A handsome motherfucker motherfucking looking back at me")

I'm a Murderer-Freddie Dredd: Mostly vibes ("I'm a motherfucking murderer")

'Cause I'm a Liar-Mcki Robyns-P: He would lie just for fun even in serious situations. If he needs to manipulate someone to survive, he'll do it his way, after all, he doesn't care anymore, he just seeks for excitement. ("Without emotion, without devotion. It's much easier to fake something happy")

I Disagree-Poppy: I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I feel like this is how he sees and feels the world and those around him, feeling misunderstood and going his own way ("If only all of you could see the world I see, then maybe everyone could live in harmony")

Personal Jesus-Mindless Self Indulgence: He has a superiority complex, that's for sure. I don't think he sees himself as a god, but I see him joking about it

Rainbow Factory-GLAZE, WoodenToaster: Vibes

Frontier Psychiatrist-The Avalanches: I kinda see this as Aguni taking the role of Niragi's "father figure" inside the borderlands, realizing he's turning insane and is unable to control him ("That boy needs therapy")

Hate it. Hate it. "JIGAHIDAI!"-WADATAKEAKI Kurage P: Jealousy. I can see it either in a pre-borderland situation where he hates the popular students in school, or inside the borderlands hating both Chishiya and Arisu. Jealousy takes over him constructing a big ego, causing himself to develop his superiority complex ("You see, I hate that popular girl!" "Does she think I don't notice? How she looks at me as if I'm trash" "I want to be praised" "I'm different from you all, I have my own ego! I'm not a side character" "I have zero common sense. I'm special")

Villain-Stella Jang: He knows damn well he's a villain, that's his goal after all, but what if someone took his point of view? wouldn't the villains be all of those who hurted him in the first place? ("We all pretend to be the heroes on the good side, but what if we are the villains on the other")

Violent-carolesdaughter: This is how I view an argument inside a relationship with Niragi. He's used to violence, to cause fear, and getting what he wants, so being in a healthy relationship would require a lot of patience and strenght. While he's getting better and suppressing those violent actions, there will be times where he accidentally uses violence or threatens the other person unintentionally, mostly hurting himself and his partner psychologically. The lyrics change between both points of view ("Don't make me get violent, I want my ring back baby that's a diamond" "She knows I'm a wreck" "I gave you all my trust and I told you just don't break it")

Hey Bunny-Baby Bugs: Based on how I think it would feel to partner up with him inside the borderlands and catching feelings for him while knowing the huge mess he is ("Hey bunny, what's with those evil eyes?" "Hey bunny, what the hell is wrong with us?" "Hey bunny, what if I loose you too? If I become the monster, together we can always be blue")

Kokoronashi-majiko: I'm pretty sure Niragi isn't able to see himself as someone able to love, even if he doesn't want to be alone (just like when he confesses this feeling while fighting with Chishiya and Arisu). If someone truly loved him and was willing to not letting him go, it would hurt. He can't see himself as someone who can love or be loved, so he can't accept the love he's seeking for in case that turns him "weaker" making his true self confront with the protective mean personality he's created. He could learn how to accept it, so he might want the other person to stay in the end, but it wouldn't be easy for him to accept it ("It's awful, I'd rather you destroy my body, tear it to sheds, do as you please" "No matter how much I'm loved by you, my heart is just one" "I don't know this, don't leave me alone")

Nightmare Parade-FAKE TYPE.: Vibes

Slipping Through My Fingers-Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried: Niragi seeing himself loosing his young, gentle and caring personality due to his fear, being unable to control what's happening inside, nostalgia and sadness kicking in ("The feeling that I'm loosing her forever" "That funny little girl" "Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture and save it from the funny tricks of time")

Kuroneko No Tango-Pink Martini, The Von Trapps: Vibes

YKWIM?-Yot Club: Him confroting his feelings of loneliness when he's left alone with his thoughts ("It feels like I care too much when I'm alone, oh no")

Romantic Lover-Eyedress: Just appreciating his physical appearance ("She's a killer, I love her features")

Wrecking Ball-Mother Mother: Based on how he sees himself as someone who needs to destroy everything in a way or another in order to be powerful + the fun he has with it ("Call me a reckless wrecking ball" "Let's break it just because we can")

Edge-Rezz: Vibes

Freaks-Surf Curse: Again, confronting feelings when loving someone, but not in such a painful as Kokoronashi ("I need a place to stay where I can cover up my face" "Don't cry, I'm just a freak")

Little Bit-Lykke Li: Vibes

6up 5oh Cop-Out (Pro/Con)-Will Wood and the Tapeworms: Vibes

PHONKY TOWN-PlayaPhonk: Vibes

I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE-Måneskin: Freaky time. He would absolutely love this song, definitely his type of thing ("You could be the beauty and I could be the monster" "I wanna touch your body so fucking electric" "I wanna make you hungry, then I wanna feed you")

#BrooklynBloodPop!-SyKo: Vibes

A Cold Freezin' Night-The Books: Vibes

A Pearl-Mitski: My most favorite song to associate with Niragi. Represents his evolution as a character. Creating an scenario where he is loved by someone,he rejects it at first, acting tough ("I don't want your touch") and then proceeds to explain why ("It's just that I fell in love with a war, nobody told me it ended" "it left a pearl in my hand and I roll it around every night just to watch it glow") the war being the borderlands and his new personality, he loved it, but nobody drew a line and it's getting out of hand. The pearl is the feeling of power, the one he has to remember when feeling weak just to feel something. At the end of the song it changes to ("Sorry I can't take your touch"), realizing that he wants love, but he's not able to take it or else he'll become the Niragi from the past

Problematic-Bo Burnham: Him acknowledging his problematic actions but not wanting to apologize because he doesn't feel the need to. He knows he's done bad things but he is going to laugh at it and be a sarcastic mf about it

First Love/Late Spring-Mitski: Similar to Kokoronashi, he wouldn't be able to accept love and how it makes him feel. He would think that he prefers for everyone to hate him and be lonely instead of sacrificing his tougher side. Also talks about how he's grown way too quickly for him to understand feelings properly ("So please hurry leave me, I can't breathe, please don't say you love me" "One word from you and I would jump out of this ledge I'm on baby" "I was so young when I behaved 25, yet now I find I've grown into a tough child"

The Other Side Of Paradise-Glass Animals: Vibes

Bodybag-Chloe Moriondo: How I feel about liking his character, confronting feelings basically ("Don't know if I hate you or if I wanna date you" "I don't wanna like you, I just wanna tie you up, then keep you in a cage and watch you sleep for ages"

Get Into It (Yuh)-Doja Cat: Vibes

Psycho Killer-2005 Remaster- Talking Heads: Vibes

HOT DEMON B!TCHES NEAR U!!!-CORPSE, Night Lovell: Vibes

INFERNO-Sub Urban, Bella Poarch: Again, another song that describes him pretty well ("Baby I'm the reason why hell's so hot" "Terribly like terrible, she's a villain" "Think I'm getting butterflies but it's really something telling me to run away")

Bad Morning-Omori: Vibes

Trouble Brewing: Vibes

Dueles Tan Bien-Bruses: Another song about my confronting feelings with this man ("You know what? You taste better than alcohol to me. You know that and you've got control" "Because you hurt, and you hurt so good that I don't know what to do")

And that's it!! This took me the whole day to write but it makes me very happy to be able to share it :)

I've you've read the entire thing, hope you enjoyed the character analysis! ლ(◞‿◟ლ)

[angelharness]

Various Slashers as Yandere Archetypes 

WARNINGS: yandere content 

Another non-requested piece. I actually found myself terribly interested in the concept after my last post musing on the topic (found here), though I’d like to restate that I don’t believe I’ll be writing more on the matter, unless a commission. 

Will firmly reiterate last time’s warning, it’s very important to recognize this characterization as unhealthy and to never enable such behavior in any real relationships. 

Will be sorting each slasher into seven classes, including Isolating, Manipulative, Dependent, Possessive, Obsessive, Delusional, and Lucid

The definitions vary greatly depending on the Slasher, while some may not fit an archetype listed, or could be a hybrid of any number of them. It’s also very possible for them to fit multiple subcategories. 

For reference, a general key would be

Isolating - (Usually gradually) cuts off s/o from their friends and family, secluding them and asserting themselves as their only social contact. Goal is perhaps to make s/o reliant on them.

Manipulative - Fairly straightforward, though the means of manipulation vary. Often emotionally controlling. Might resort to guilting the s/o or self-destructive tendencies to get them to stay. Goal is to assert control over s/o.

Dependent - Depends on s/o for stability or comfort. Might suffer from separation anxiety and as such is terribly clingy. Often ignores other social ties to focus on their s/o. No implicit goal, but usually wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Possessive - Similar to Manipulative and often a package deal. Would under no circumstances share their s/o, likely frets over losing them (perhaps to romantic rivals or even misguidedly anyone they falsely deem a threat). Goal is to assert control over s/o. 

Obsessive - Not necessarily Possessive, though the two sometimes come together. An Obsessive might not outwardly act on their fixation, but silently pines intensely for their s/o. Fixates heavily on their s/o. Goal is to become closer to the person of interest, or wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Delusional - Hard opposite of Lucid. They likely wrongly believe their feelings are reciprocated, believe them and their s/o are meant to be, or that their s/o is in denial of their feelings and it’s up to them to help them realize this. No implicit goal, but usually wishes for reciprocation of feelings.

Lucid - Hard opposite of Delusional. Well aware that their feelings are unhealthy and destructive, but usually represses these thoughts or simply doesn’t care. Might feel guilt, but it’s often overshadowed by longing. May have any of the formerly listed goals.

BILLY LENZ

Dependent, Possessive

He is a complex case. His lucidity comes in brief episodes, then wanes to stubborn delusion. Generally, though, he’s dependent on you for a sense of stability. When you leave, he throws somewhat of a tantrum, absolutely trashes the place, tears the wallpaper, knocks shit over, then curls up in a corner, stewing in a vicious, wordless rage. On the rare occasions, afflicted by guilt, he’ll silently clean it up, intensely avoiding your gaze all the while. Most of the time, though, you’re left to deal with the damage of his uncertain temper. He feels like you’re abandoning him, even if you fully have the intent to return; when you do come through the door he launches into your arms, all rushed kisses and crushing hugs. Inevitably, though, the cycle will repeat once more, gradually wearing you thin and thinner. Like a sweater heavily loved. But this love is intense and merciless. 

CARRIE WHITE

Dependent, Delusional

Carrie is very much wary coming into this relationship. She’s so baffled by affection, true and honest affection, no underlying teasing, no stifled giggles, that she nearly breaks down. It takes much adjusting, but soon, she’s hooked. She becomes dependent on your praise and approval to function routinely. Anything you dislike she does as well. You’re always so right, she thinks, so puzzlingly perfect. She idolizes you to the point she blocks out any of your flaws (which come with being human), entirely eliminating the possibility from her mind. She’s willing to overlook any fault, anyway, but she’s dazed by the spectacle of genuine love. Every moment you’re away is a unique, awful pain, singed with worry (you’re leaving, you found someone better), and though in those moments she thinks there’s no possible greater agony, the bliss of your presence keeps her around. She doesn’t care for anyone else—they never cared for her, and it’s not like their compassion would compare, either way. She decides you’re all she needs.

JASON VOORHEES

Obsessive, Isolating

First confronting his feelings, he disregards it casually, assuming it’d be easy to ignore. He busies himself with work, but finds this fixation occupying his thoughts in increasingly frequent intervals. He knows something needs to be done when it starts directly interfering with his chores, leading to sloppy work and far too many victims fleeing. The easy answer is to off you. He hunts you down with that intent, well ready to finally rid of this distraction. But he can’t. Stands there with a hellish anxiety wracking his chest, a feeling only distantly familiar, recalling the days when his heart did beat. He’s so intensely, frustratingly obsessed with you—it upsets him even, confuses him tremendously. All he knows for certain is that he wouldn’t be able to stand you with someone else; doesn’t care if he’s not that someone, as long as it’s not anybody else. From then on, it’s a very last minute change of plans; keep you alive, isolate you, make you dependent on him. He’s not the type to force affection on you, but rather, would purposefully withdraw it for extended periods of time, until you seek it of your own will, in which case he will reward you with the desired attention. 

BRAHMS HEELSHIRE

Possessive, Manipulative 

Like Billy, has a fragile temper that can be quite a minefield to traverse. You can never be sure what will upset him, but when it does he makes sure it’s known. Could additionally be classified as isolating, as he will immediately confine you to the manor. Leaving is far out of the question, though later on he might permit you to extend this bit of freedom to the expanse of garden surrounding the mansion (he will, however, keep you far from the gates). He makes himself out to be entirely helpless without your guidance and care, though that must be wrong, being how he’s had only himself for much of his time living in the space between the walls. It gets you to stay, and that’s what matters in the moment. But eventually, the need to escape his suffocating presence vastly exceeds your will to stay. When that time comes, an effectively inevitable outcome, Brahms had realized in the back of his head, he’ll turn to violence, first in tantrums then in threats directed to both yourself and him. Isn’t beyond killing you if he’s convinced you’re set on leaving and there’s nothing he can do.

BUBBA SAWYER

Dependent, Possessive

Partly delusional, but knows you’re unwilling. Still, relies on you for a feeling of normalcy, that distant echo of a real, functional relationship. Couldn’t bear the thought of you with anyone else, so much he might resort to threats of violence to coerce you into staying. Whether these are empty or significant falls on you to figure out. Liable to tantrums when you’re away, though the severity of these outbursts is determined by his current stability. He considers you part of the family, though at the end of the day, Drayton gets the final say on your status of life. He’ll plead desperately and with genuine distress, but it doesn’t take much pushing for him to cave in on himself; he’s far more scared to disobey the family. If he’s to kill you, he’ll go about it sweetly, clumsy, unfamiliar kisses as he smooths your hair down, trying uselessly to calm you. Your struggling and crying only troubles him, and he might hurry up the process just to quiet that awful commotion. If Drayton allowed, though, he’d keep you as a sort of pet; you’re to stay in his room or at his side and never stray. You’re given a seat at the dinner table as long as you pull your weight and pitch in (albeit unwillingly) with household chores. 

AMANDA YOUNG / THE PIG

Lucid, Manipulative 

Fairly coherent regarding her emotions, though this regulation never translates into her actions, which are twisted by impulse and anxieties. Unintentionally incredibly manipulative, will very quickly turn to self-destructive exploits to gain your sympathy and convince you to stay. Eventually, she stops caring if you’re only sticking around out of a feeling of necessity. If you ever show intent to leave, though, she’d panic. Amanda can’t conceive a life without you now that she’s met you, and though she despises how dependent she’s become on you for stability, she can’t will herself to try and improve. Your attention is a new, frightening addiction; the highs come with affection and compassion, but then withdrawal in the periods you’re away. These acts of love have to be greater and greater than the last to recreate that same rush of intoxication. She’d allow you the illusion of freedom, reminding you often you can leave if you wanted (it’s all a ploy for sympathy), but makes a show of how pathetic she is without you. She can barely function, and though she hates this vulnerability, her balance of mind being dependent on another person, she’s trapped herself in an unforgiving sequence of self-destructive desperation and a murderous temper. 

[superman86to99]

Adventures of Superman #505 (October 1993)

REIGN OF THE SUPERMAN! The Reign is over, and Superman does what we’d all do after being dead for several weeks and coming back to life: no, not visiting your parents, making out with Lois Lane.

Or more than making out, since the next page starts with a caption that says “Later...” and lets us know that they both had to take a shower. (NOTE: Check Don Sparrow’s section below for artist Tom Grummett’s definitive take on what happened in that scene.)

Their post-resurrection bliss comes to a stop when they remember a little detail: Clark Kent is still presumed dead. How are they gonna explain his return without making the extremely smart residents of Metropolis suspect that Superman and the guy who looks like Superman but with glasses are actually the same person? Superman’s mind immediately goes into “wacky bullshit excuse” mode and he starts spitballing ideas, like claiming Clark lost his memory, or was carried by underwater currents, or was abducted by aliens. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that last one would work, since there have been THREE major alien invasions in the past few years, but Lois thinks no one would be dumb enough to fall for that sort of thing. Really, Lois? No one?

At this point, Superman picks up some supervillain activity with his super hearing, so he gets dressed and goes there (though it would have been pretty intimidating for the criminals if she’d shown up in that shower rug). A bank uptown has been taken over by Loophole, a S.T.A.R. Labs accountant who stole a gizmo that allows him to phase through walls. When Superman shows up to arrest him and his henchmen (are they all villainous accountants?), Loophole literally puts his first through Superman’s chest, instantly killing him. RIP Superman, again.

Nah, Supes just swats Loophole away and breaks the gizmo, causing him to get his crotch area stuck inside a vault door. Now he has to change his supervillain name to “DickVault”.

(I freaking love Maggie Sawyer, btw.)

After that, Superman goes to one of the areas trashed by his fight with Doomsday and helps clean up the junk that’s still laying around there. It’s then that he finally reunites with his best friend and most valued ally: Bibbo Bibbowski. (Jimmy Olsen’s there, too, unfortunately.)

Bibbo also introduces Superman to the dog he named in honor of his home planet, Krypto -- and it’s Krypto who provides the most significant moment in this issue. The little mutt starts barking at some debris from a destroyed building, leading Superman to examine it with his X-Ray vision and find some kids underneath.

Turns out the kids had been trapped there since the Doomsday fight, leading some random passerby (fine, Jimmy) to wonder if Clark could be stuck in a similar situation. Superman and Lois look at each other... giving Superman an idea and providing the premise for next week’s issue.

Character-Watch:

First appearance of Loophole (real name Deke Dickinson, C.P.A.), who would become a running joke in Karl Kesel’s Superman and Superboy comics. While his phasing powers are tech based, he also has the metahuman ability to somehow convince attractive women to be his girlfriends/henchwomen despite being a balding little dweeb. In this issue he’s dating a blonde named Sheila (who wears a mask, so maybe she’s actually hideous), but I’m pretty sure he had other girlfriends in future issues.

Plotline-Watch:

As I said... holy shit, five years ago: no one draws Supes coming back to Lois after an extended absence like Tom Grummett. This scene is almost a remake of the one from that issue when Superman comes back from his time traveling jaunt. There’s also a callback to Man of Steel #25, when Lois hears a tap on her window and thinks it’s Superman, but it’s just some dumb bird. This time she gets it the other way around:

Don Sparrow says: “There’s a cute visual callback to the last time Superman returned after a long absence on page 18, when Superman is reunited with Jimmy. It’s a near identical pose to Action #643, where Superman returned from exile in space (and in that moment, infected Jimmy with Eradicator-based space sickness, womp womp).” I think he’s instinctively throwing Jimmy up in the air, hoping the cold of space will kill him. Unfortunately, both murder attempts were unsuccessful.

As seen above, Maggie Sawyer wasn’t too convinced that “Fabio” here was Superman at first. That changes when he calls her “Captain” even though she was recently promoted to Inspector, and she’s like “only a dead man wouldn’t know all the precise ranks for the local authorities!”

The surviving non-Supermen are seen arriving at S.T.A.R. Labs for medical care after the Engine City showdown. Don again: “There are some mild continuity issues stemming from Superman #82, which perhaps wasn’t completely finished being drawn while Tom Grummett worked on this one, as Steel’s costume is almost entirely intact, when we last saw it a week ago, it was in tatters. Ditto the Eradicator, who was a wizened husk, and now is apparently a scorched Ivan Drago.” Let’s assume Supergirl worked her clothes-shifting magic on Steel’s armor and the Eradicator’s, uh, hair.

There’s a short scene where Superboy is visited by his reporter pal Tana Moon, who tells him she quit WGBS and is leaving Metropolis. Awww. Goodbye, Tana. Or should I say... aloha?

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor Jr. has a scene with Dr. Happersen where he says he intends to control or destroy anyone who wears the “S” symbol. Basically, if he can’t date them, they should be dead. He also instructs Happersen to help Cadmus’ Director Westfield get in contact with disgraced genetician Dabney Donovan. Get ready for a whole lot of clone-related shenanigans in the near future.

And now, more Don Sparrow-related shenanigans after the jump!

Art-Watch (by @donsparrow​):

This issue is another favourite of mine, but I suppose all these issues around the Death and Return are faves when I really think about it.  My copy of this issue had the holographic fireworks cover, and it’s a good one.  I like that Superman and the Daily Planet are in natural colour, rather than holograms.  The cover credit goes Karl Kesel, Tom Grummett and Doug Hazlewood, so I’m not sure what the breakdown was (or if that’s just a handwritten cover credit, just in case?

The story opens with one of my favourite sequences ever, with Lois waking up on her couch, having fallen asleep following the events in Coast City.  I love the detail as she opens the curtain, we see her engagement ring, indicating she knows her real fiancée has returned.  This sequence is followed up by two pages of splashes of the passionate reunion of the best couple in comics.  All beautifully rendered as they float, locked in a passionate, sunrise kiss.  Just lovely (so lovely that I am willing to overlook a small colouring error, as Lois has black hair instead of reddish brown for one panel).  [Max: I can confirm that they fixed that in the collections.]

What follows is a very cute scene, and one of some debate among Superman fans.  There’s no overt evidence of what happened, all we get is a cryptic caption reading “later…”.   Again, I give credit for the subtlety of the writers, as they depict this scene in a way that can be read either way:  maybe Clark and Lois made love, and the “later” we are seeing is afterglow, or maybe Lois had a shower since she just woke up after sleeping in her clothes. Then, after calling his parents while Lois showered, Clark had a shower himself.  I feel like today’s writers wouldn’t feel the need to be so subtle, and might lose the sweetness of this scene.  

In previous posts, I’ve talked about my friendship with artist Tom Grummett, and how as a boy, I would wear him out with all my dumb fanboy questions.  Once I got older, and our relationship became a little more collegial (just a little closer to collegial, since I in no way consider myself anywhere near his level of skill or success) I would really try not to geek out too much when we would visit.  But the one question I had to ask was about this scene, and what their intention, or interpretation of it was, as I was always curious.  Once I had explained to him which issue it was (the guy has drawn hundreds, so they might not all spring to mind immediately!) he admitted that his assumption was indeed that they had sex.  So there you have it!  [Max: Hot damn! Another Superman ‘86 to ‘99 exclusive, folks!]

However you wish to read this scene, the choreography, and facial expressions as they horse around is really sweet and fun, and such a nice, light tone compared to the do-or-die pace the books had been for the last two years or so.   Their easy joking, and back and forth banter really do a great job of showing them as a real couple.

It’s a very nice pose on Supergirl as she lifts off, simultaneously spurning Superboy’s romantic complaints.

I quite like the design on Loophole, and his gang.  Loophole himself kinda harkens back to the silver age villains of the Flash as Loophole has a unique hairline, is an older man, with a pretty average build, which was rare for villains in the 90s. His gimmick is pretty cool, too, though we immediately see its vulnerability.

The tearful reunion of the now-sober Bibbo and Superman is also a great moment—if anyone rose to the challenge of living up to Superman’s example in his absence, it was Bibbo.  I discuss the scene in more detail in the observations later, but the image of Superman whipping away the debris on page 20 is a great visual, with the dust clouds creating great motion and urgency.

On the whole, a great first issue for the return to the never-ending battle, even if it brings us closer to Grummett’s last issue on this title (for a while).

STRAY OBSERVATIONS:

Could Superman referring to the Death and Return storyline as a dream, while stepping out of the shower be a reference to Dallas, and their famous about-face after an unpopular season, where Bobby Ewing emerged from the shower, alive and well, dismissing a yearlong storyline as a dream?

A coy semi-reference to perhaps my favourite line in the first Reeve Superman film on page 8, where Supergirl says “Easy steel, we’ve got you, then later adding, “ok, you got me”.  

A little more issue-to-issue dissonance with Superboy reversing himself from the end of Superman #82, where he said clearly that Kal-El was Superman, with Superboy pointing out that legally, he’s Superman and not Kal. [Max: I think he’s talking strictly in the legal sense, since he helps Superman deal with the legal problem on the next issue and all.]

For all the times that Superman has used his heat vision on guns (as he does on page 11), we’ve never seen rounds get burned off, firing on their own because of the heat.  There might be an idea there.    

An odd sorta-cameo by Erik Larsen’s Savage Dragon, who Superman apparently defeats in the waterfront district. An eagle-eyed reader asked Larsen about it in issue #6 of Dragon’s own book, and he nixed any proper crossover rumours, saying it was just a shout-out from Larsen’s buddy Karl Kesel.  Eventually they’d meet in Superman/Savage Dragon: Chicago, a so-so crossover in 2002.

A slightly bawdy joke from one of the Loophole gang, on page 14, as the moll of Deke Dickson calls Loophole a “weiner”.  

GODWATCH: A stirring moment when Superman detects the faintest of life-signs, thanks to would-be super-pup, Krypto, and responds “God willing” when someone asks if anyone is alive in that wreckage.  The love and concern in Superman’s eyes when he says he’d “rather die” himself than let little ones perish is a tear-jerker moment for sure.  Bonus points for the cuteness of Superman heaping praise on Krypto, with the line “if that dog could fly, I’d put a cape on him…”

Question:  Does Jimmy know? He comes up with the solution to the Clark problem very conveniently.  Maybe he’s smarter than we (and by we, I mean Max) give him credit for? [Max: It was all Krypto! Okay, I’ll concede that maybe Jimmy is as smart as a dog.]

[tehamelie]

The book of hope is less than two pages

How to hope: A self-help guide

Hope hurts, but it's worth it. There. Can I get publisher money now?

I found a large, thin book in my mailbox today called "How to hope for children". It didn't have any words on the back of the cover or any signs of a publisher, and it was covered in clear plastic which prevented opening it up. I put it in my pocket and went on my way, thinking about what kind of useless clichés it would probably contain and what weird government initiative had led to delivering this thing to presumably every household in Sweden. We got a manual with basic instructions in case of war or crisis the other year, it's not unreasonable to think they would have come up with a bunch of exercises designed to keep kids hopeful for the future, times being what they are. I thought I should try to write this thing you're reading now, because I know a thing or two about real hope. We'll get to that.

When I got home I checked the mail again (useful reflex I've developed while living alone), and further down I found another, smaller, thicker book called "How to hope". But this is not an anecdote about how skimming my mailbox created a mystery that inspired me to write; it's an anecdote about the deliberate, carefully thought out ways in which organized religion targets people at their most vulnerable. On the back of the adult's version I could read "How to hope" was in fact the New Testament and this was a project by a coalition of the town's churches.

So I threw the books in the trash – disassembling them for recycling seemed like too much work, and we need so much trash to burn for the heating plants we buy it from Norway anyway – and sat down to think about how to explain hope.

Hope, trust, love, life: These things are all both feelings and actions, all closely related in my observation. Dear and necessary cousins that I have had to spend a lot of time constructing for myself as an adult, after a childhood where I discarded them before understanding what they were. Or caring, or feelings in general. Or other people.

I lived alone with my mom, and after a dream I had where she walked away I couldn't trust her like a child should. Especially since she tried to assure me it wasn't real and she'd never leave me. I was maybe four years old and I didn't quite know the difference between dreams and reality, but I knew people shouldn't say one thing and do another.

And that was that, until I was maybe twenty-two and I figured out reality doesn't actually work if you don't trust people on some level. You have to trust people when they tell you you're not dreaming, for instance. Otherwise it's a short road to full solipsism. I knew that in my head, and then I could start figuring out how to trust people, how to create and maintain the condition of trust.

You just decide. It's scary to trust, because it hurts when they let you down, but there's no big secret to it.

(There's a secret to being brave, but this margin is too small to contain it.)

You just decide to trust people, as much as you can, over and over, because you have to. Because the alternative is dying. I think you have to want to not die enough, but that's it.

You're allowed to be biased towards life over death, because we're alive. I think that's the least controversial statement I have made in my life, but it bears repeating. It bears thinking carefully about. Something like seven percent of all humans who have ever lived are still alive today; I think we are more important than the 93% dead ones. I think the perpetuation and improvement of human life on this planet is important. And among the conditions for life that can be improved – conditions we as individuals have some actual power to change for ourselves – is our mental condition. The way we think about things, what we prioritize.

You decide that life matters, that trust matters, that love matters, that hope matters. You decide to act according to that belief. And the world will reward you for it every day.

I won't bore you with the details of how I figured out each of those feelings and actions for myself. You can either take the time to figure it out as I did, or trust me. (See what I did there?) If you're reading this you may have been expecting a novel-length thesis, but I believe in keeping lessons short, plain and to the point. There's only so many different ways I can say the same thing and at 800 words this text already feels like masturbation.

So, just as plainly as I can: You don't get hope from a poster of a cat hanging from a tree branch. You don't get hope from a magic man in the sky who's promising to save you. You don't get hope just because you have it hard. You don't get hope in your pocket as something you can pull out just when you need it. In fact you don't get hope for free in any way whatsoever.

You have to build it yourself. It's is a lot like food, now that I think about how to explain it.

First, you need effort to make it. You can make it from scratch, hunting and foraging in the wild, if you can put in a lot of leg work. Or you can pay someone to make it for you if you're lucky. But, secondly, you need to choke it down. That can be hard if you're starting with bad ingredients or you're poorly equipped for cooking or you're a picky eater. But both cooking and eating are skills you can develop – that you have to develop in order to survive, unless you're gifted with more resources than most of us.

Also it's easier and more pleasant to share cooking duties and meal times with a group of people. I highly recommend doing that if you can.

But that's all I can say. You decide to feel hope, and to hope. You insist on hope. You rise into the air on wings of hope and you lift as many people up with you as you can. And when you get knocked down in the mud you cry and then you stand up and build up your hope again because the alternative is to wallow in the mud forever, until it gets too heavy to breathe and you die.

Hope insistently, trust implicitly, love deliberately, live like you mean it. This is neither poetry nor philosophy, nothing romantic, just basic survival tips. You should do these things because it's healthy for you. Because sometimes you need to eat salad.

[trickhockstetter]

Derry - Chapter 2: Someone Old, Someone New

Author’s Note: Welcome back to Derry! This chapter clocks in at 3417 words. Enjoy! (And, in case you missed it, here’s chapter one.)

In the sweltering weeks following my family’s adjustment (or re-adjustment, in the case of my father and I) to Derry life, I remain mostly sedentary, spending most of my time either in my room or in the backyard. My homely hobbies consist mostly of reading and enjoying whatever television shows manage to captivate my ever-shortening attention span. The days following my father’s departure for Bangor for work are quieter, as there’s one less person to pressure me into sightseeing a town with no real sights. And, as I don’t leave the house, Sophia has me babysit Gabriel, which is not a problem considering he could spend hours with Legos and coloring books.

But, as school draws closer, and the dog days of summer grow more humid than anything I’ve ever experienced before, I find myself taking more and more solo trips into the town square. It isn’t just to shop, though I do find myself with a Derry-appropriate wardrobe in no time. I don’t want to be a completely new face come the first day of my senior year, and I’m gunning for one of these outings to result in my coming across some other people attending Derry High. I’m not asking for friends, just some acquaintances who may not immediately avert their gazes upon seeing me flounder in the hallways.

Plus, as my father has his car and Sophia is loathe to part with hers in case of emergencies, I’ve considered my leisurely walks into town and back to be the most exercise I’ve had in ages.

Though the first few outings end fruitlessly, it comes to a head when, on August seventeenth, I enter Keene’s for the first time since the day we’d moved here. I immediately recognize the girl sitting at the counter where Mr. Keene had been before. She snaps her gum as she talks lowly to someone obscured from my vantage point by the sterile white aisles. After a breathless moment, I realize she hasn’t noticed me and head over to the feminine hygiene products, where I bump right into a girl with beautiful long red hair.

“Whoa.” I stumble back.

“Sorry.” The girl sucks in her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”

She looks old enough to be in high school. Her face is beautifully structured; high cheekbones, dainty mouth, piercing yet friendly eyes set against a backdrop of pale skin smattered with freckles. I’d guess she’s about sixteen, maybe older.

The Tampax box she’d had in her hands moments before now lies on the ground, logo-down. We reach for it at the same time and bump heads.

“Sorry,” I say.

“No need.” The girl stoops down and picks up the box. She tilts her head to appraise me as she straightens up. “I haven’t seen you around before.”

“I’m new. Well, kind of. I used to live here.” Realizing that most of my explanation is pointless, I add, “I’m Stella.”

“Beverly.” The girl, Beverly, smiles. “Well, kind-of-new kid Stella, it’s nice to meet you. I used to be the new kid, too; moved here almost two years ago.”

I faintly hear the bell above the shop door chime as someone exits.

“Are you going to Derry High in the fall?” she asks, and smiles wider as I nod. “I’ll be in my junior year. We could have lunch together sometime.”

“That sounds great. I’ll be a senior.” I grip on the strap of my cross-body bag, grateful that my plan has worked.

Beverly’s smile turns wry as her attention turns back to the box in her hands. “Well, I’d better get going. I’ll see you around-”

She turns and freezes. At the other end of the aisle stands the denim-loving, gum-snapping girl, her big lined eyes narrowed into slits. Her tight jeans are several shades darker than her denim fringe jacket, and her curly hair is pulled up into a slightly frizzy side pony.

Beverly takes an instinctive step back, bumping back into me.

“Well, if it isn’t Beaverly and Nobody. Have you found a new best friend, Beaverly?” The girl laughs, a harsh contrast to the light elevator-like music playing throughout the store. “Better watch out there, new girl. Beaverly’s trash. Then again, so are you for hanging out with a stupid slut like her.”

Beverly clenches her teeth. “What is it, Gretta? Am I a stupid slut, or trash? Make up your mind.” The last part is muttered lowly, but in the otherwise quiet of the store it’s almost echoing.

Gretta scowls. “I just wanted to remind you. Before you and the losers you hang out with get it into your heads that you can talk back like that at school. You’re nothing.”

While Gretta talks, I notice Beverly’s hands quick at work. Within seconds, the Tampax box slips from her grasp and into the bag hanging by her side. And just like that, it’s as if she’d never been holding it.

“Thanks for the reminder, Gretta. See you in school.” Beverly’s voice is so falsely cheerful that I have to hold back a snort of laughter. She turns away, walking quickly to the door, and I follow, all the while listening to Gretta grumble as she returns to the counter, completely unaware of Beverly’s actions.

Once we’re outside and a block away from the store, Beverly sticks her tongue out at me. She begins, “I know this isn’t the best first impression, stealing tampons and all-”

“No, it’s all good.” I stuff my hands into the pockets of my capris and smile as we walk to nowhere in particular. “I don’t blame you at all. She seems horrible.”

“She doesn’t like most people.” Beverly shakes her head. “She’s got friends - lackeys, more like - but bullies almost everyone in town. Mostly girls, but she’s not opposed to pushing around the guys, too.”

I suck in a breath. “That’s rough.”

“At least you’re a grade above her. Can’t touch you during classes.” Beverly shoots me a worried look. “Derry High is small. I usually share most of my classes with her.”

I feel a pang of worry, looking at how wistfully Beverly stares at the sidewalk beneath us, as though she wishes she could just sink into it. But, just as that vulnerability begins to appear on her face, she straightens up, face brightening.

“But, like I said, you’re invited to my table anytime. I’m sure the guys wouldn’t mind.” She smiles for a moment before continuing. “Though I’m not sure you’d want to completely ruin your rep by sitting with us losers.”

“Gretta seems like the real loser here.” I kick at a pebble, watching it erratically scuttle down the sidewalk.

“She’s the worst Gretta.” Noticing my confusion, she adds, “There’s two. Gretta Keene and Gretta Bowie. Bowie’s your age.”

“Joyful.” Just thinking about how senior year might go with these two Grettas - plus the strange guys Victor hangs around with - sets off alarm bells. Is it too late to apply to that private school in Bangor? Surely there can’t be any Grettas there, too.

Beverly laughs. “Joyful is just about the most inaccurate descriptor for Gretta Bowie. But she’s relatively harmless, so long as you don’t grab her attention. Plus, I doubt she’ll have time to terrorize anyone else this year.”

“‘Anyone else’?” I repeat.

“She and her boyfriend broke up right before school ended. Let’s just say she didn’t take it well.” Beverly adjusts the straps in her hands before pausing at the corner, turning to face me. “Listen, I didn’t mean to derail your shopping thing-”

“-It’s okay-”

“-And I would love to ask you to hang out, usually.” Beverly bites her lip. “But my dad’s home, and he - he doesn’t like unexpected visitors.”

“I get it.” I laugh awkwardly. “I didn’t mean to almost stalk you to your house. I should get going, too.” The crumpled paper list in my pocket, detailing the exact brands for the tampons, chocolate wafers, and gel pens I need, has yet to be looked at since I left the house. “Lots of shopping to do, still.”

“Avoid Keene’s at all costs,” Beverly advises. “Though they do offer a wonderful discount in exchange for being bullied by their cashier.” She shakes the bag, the Tampax logo just barely visible through the thin white plastic.

We laugh and, with a wave and another promise to find each other for lunch someday, we part ways.

On my way home, I catch sight of the strange blue car that Victor and his friends had left the parking lot in weeks earlier, parked by the wooden bridge that is in dire need of repair. A little ways beyond the car, three bicycles lie on the road. One of the bike’s wheels is still spinning. My pace slows as I approach the bridge, taking extra care to look beyond the wooden railings keeping cars and pedestrians from falling down the side. But there is no sign of anybody nearby, no sounds of anything happening, so I press on.

When I reach home, the driveway only holds Sophia’s car. Remembering that my father’s due to come back from Bangor any day now, I shrug off the absence until I’m inside. Sophia looks up as she chops carrots on a cutting board, while Gabriel watches from a chair set by the kitchen counter.

“Where’s Dad?” I ask, unceremoniously dropping my purchases onto the table.

“Still in Bangor.” Sophia’s voice is odd, and I still at the sound. Something’s not right. Her voice is strained, bereft of its usual warmth. I’d blame it on frustration, but she’s been sounding more and more off since the move. Today happens to be the worst yet.

I pick up Gabriel, earning a warm hug for my efforts. “Why?”

“Extended his trip.” The knife Sophia’s using to chop hits the wooden cutting board a little too hard, causing a thump that makes all three of us wince.

Sensing that Sophia is not in the mood to talk further about it, I steer the conversation towards Beverly and the Grettas, omitting Beverly’s Tampax thievery. I’d filled Sophia in on Victor and his friends that same day, so it’s only fair to do it again. She seems relieved that I’ve taken over the conversation, though she only interjects with prompts and occasional reactions, and half heartedly at best. Gabriel watches with rapt interest as I peel potatoes and muse to my mostly silent stepmother.

“And summer’s almost over,” I find myself whining. “It feels like just yesterday I’d escaped the clutches of Mr. Hornsby and his monotone. And now I have to do it all over again, but with these people?”

“At least Beverly sounds nice.” Sophia takes the chopped potatoes and dumps them into the stewpot. “And I bet those boys’ll be nice to you.”

I snort. “Victor, maybe. And definitely not like that.”

“You never know.” Sophia sticks her tongue out at me as she nudges me with her elbow. “All I’m saying is, you oughta be snatched up by graduation, or all these Derry boys are blind.”

“I don’t need a boyfriend.” I think about one of my Coal County friends, Sarah, who switched boyfriends like gum flavors. From what I’ve seen, the only things that couples seemed to do was spend all their time with each other and brag to their friends about whatever bases they’d rounded with one another. Not entirely my idea of fun, nor do I consider it necessary. “Or want one.”

Sophia smiles; the first I’ve seen on her all day. “Maybe so. But sometimes love doesn’t care about needing or wanting. It just happens. You’re seventeen, Stella. Take some risks. Put yourself out there. What harm could it do?”

Two days later, I am surprised by the appearance of Victor Criss on my doorstep. As my father is still in Bangor (for reasons that Sophia seems to be tight lipped on), and Sophia and Gabriel are out and about, having left before I’d woken up for the day, I’m by my lonesome when the white blond boy comes to call.

“How’d you know where I live?” I ask as I politely step aside. He kicks off his shoes and shoots me a smirk as he settles into my father’s armchair.

“Just a hunch,” he says, though I’m sure there’s more to it than that. “School’s coming up soon. Thought you might like to hang out or something before we all get homework and shit to deal with.”

I pause, startled to hear this. Like I said, we weren’t really close before I moved, and the way Victor’s acting is kind of confusing, as though he remembers it differently. We never hung out after school, never slept at each other’s houses or anything like that. I only knew that he danced because he was so good at it that Derry Elementary had him and his class do performances for special assemblies. But there’s no plausible reason for his sudden interest in me.

And when I voice these concerns, he shakes them off with a harsh laugh.

“And like I said, everything’s different now.” Victor raises an eyebrow. “Plus, you seem cool. I mean, you always did, but somehow you’re … I don’t know, even more cool, I guess. Even if you do stupid things sometimes.”

“What was so stupid about it, anyway?” I drop into the chair opposite his, folding my arms over my stomach. “I just told the guy my name.”

Victor groans dramatically, to the point that I’m thankful my parents aren’t home or they’d think something extremely inappropriate is occurring in their foyer. 

“You’ve piqued his interest.”

“Whose interest?”

His eyes rolled up to the heavens and back. “Who do you think? Patrick. Patrick Hockstetter. The guy who was looking at you like he was going to swallow you whole.”

Finally, a name to associate with the man. I remember bits and pieces: long dark hair, a hideous artist’s rendition of Tom the cat from Tom and Jerry on his shirt, the frequent lip-licking. Patrick Hockstetter. Oddly, it feels fitting.

“Y’know, I really didn’t know if I was gonna invite you to the thing tonight.” When I shoot him a confused look, he adds, “There’s a thing tonight, a bonfire, at Belch’s family’s place by the river. Thought you might like to come. But yeah, I didn’t know if I was gonna invite you, ‘cause he’s going too, and that could be bad. Though I guess you’re all grown up and whatnot, so you can do whatever you want.”

I nod, though I’m lost at the use of the word “Belch” as a name.

Victor goes on. “Molloy and Patrick usually supply the good shit, and since Gretta’s not around anymore, we may actually have some fun. Henry’s talking ‘bout bringing out some fireworks, maybe even his dad’s gun, y’know, to amp things up.”

“Henry?”

Victor makes a swooping motion towards the back of his neck with one hand. “Mullet man, that’s Bowers. And Anthrax’s number one fan, that’s Belch. Or ‘Reg’, but only if he lets you call him that. Otherwise, just Belch. Got it?”

“Okay. I mean, yeah.”

He pushes a hand through his light fringe. “‘Kay, good. Now. What do you have to eat here?”

Watching Victor inhale several plates of chocolate chip pancakes, all leftover from Sophia’s generous breakfast spread made earlier in the day, is almost enough to turn me off of eating my bowl of cereal. There’s syrup clinging to his chin, and while he is using a fork and knife to neatly cut up the food, it’s the only neat thing about his eating.

“When’s this bonfire, anyway?” I take a sip of my juice, watching him over the rim of my glass as he drizzles more syrup onto his plate. “Like, what time?”

“Why, you got a curfew?” He laughs. “I don’t see any parents ‘round here.”

“My stepmother and brother are out, and my dad’s in Bangor till next week.” My heart pangs at the words, especially knowing that they’re not guaranteed. He wasn’t supposed to be in Bangor for longer than a weekend, but his stay’s been extended over and over again. Who knows when he’ll actually come home? “And we haven’t discussed a curfew yet.”

Victor drinks his own glass of juice, gulping noisily. When his lips part from the glass, he replies, “So no curfew then. Good. These things are best experienced in their entirety. ‘Sides, Henry doesn’t like to set off fireworks and junk until after he’s sure his dad’s done for the night. His dad’s Sheriff here.”

“Sheriff?” I try to imagine the mullet man as the son of an authority figure, but just remembering how his eyes had lingered on me that day in the parking lot makes me shiver.

“Yeah.” Victor shoves a massive morsel of pancake into his mouth and talks around it. “‘Id a goo’ i’ea ‘o b’ing yo’ o’n shid.” I wait for him as he chews, swallows, and repeats himself. “It’s a good idea to bring your own shit. Blankets and stuff. Don’t depend on anyone else to bring enough, or you’ll be picking rocks and sand outta your pants for days. We supply the beer, that’s it. And there ain’t no freebies on the good stuff, not even for newbies. Or oldies, I suppose.”

I nod. I’ve never had beer in my life. I’m more of a fruity drink person. The few sips of Long Island Iced Tea that I’d had at Trina Lancaster’s party two years ago had left me utterly wrecked; I’m lightweight through and through. And drugs have never been considered before.

“It’ll be fun.” Victor wipes his mouth with a paper towel, having polished off the rest of his pancakes. “Till then, I figured we could hang. I could show you around town, stuff like that.”

“Why?”

It surprises both him and I that I question it so brazenly. He clears his throat and shoots me a curious stare.

“Like I said before. You seem cool.” But, just like Sophia, I can tell there’s an undercurrent to his tone, something he’s trying to conceal. Something I’m not supposed to notice.

And, just like with Sophia, I pretend to be none the wiser.

“Right. Okay. Well, I’ve been in town a couple times, but just to the stores. Keene’s and stuff. So anywhere but there’s good with me.”

Victor drives a silver hunk of junk car, peppered with little dents and scratch marks, but it gets the job done. We zip around town for the day, stopping by places he calls the Quarry, the Barrens, and, oddly, Derry’s maze of a junkyard. Despite not being close to him before the move, I find myself enjoying being in his presence, even when he’s a bit too dramatic for the current situation.

Nevertheless, the sky darkens quickly, and soon I find myself in my room, sifting through my closet while Victor vegs out in front of the television set. I’ve already got a cheap beach blanket folded in my bag, and my face lightly made up with the expensive-looking products Sophia had bought me for my seventeenth birthday. The only thing keeping me from herding Victor to his car to get to the bonfire is my outfit.

Or, rather, the outfits I’m trying to choose between.

“Hurry up, Stella, damn,” Victor calls from the other side of my bedroom door. “Go in your underwear if it’s this hard to choose. Hell, no one’ll complain.”

I ignore him and hold the hangers up, side by side. One outfit is a pretty white sundress, with a dizzying print of little yellow roses. The other is a T-shirt and jean shorts, though the shirt is one of my favorites.

In the end, I slip the dress over my head and give myself one last long look in the mirror. Then I trudge into the living room and grab the remote from Victor, shutting the television off as I pull a cardigan around my shoulders.

“You going to church or something?” Victor jokes. “Just ‘cause it’s late doesn’t mean it’s not hot. And there’ll be a fire.”

“So no sweater?”

Victor shakes his head. “Unless you wanna boil.”

Taking his word for it, I leave my cardigan behind, draped over the back of the couch. And, after scribbling a note to Sophia, Victor and I peel out of my driveway, smiling as we crank the radio until the blaring music drifts skyward.

[nayleaharvez97]

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How you cope with and which require less.Loyalty to your companion are having troubles in terms of marriage.This can be recovered to your spouse, especially if that week would be willing to put in some way to save marriages and relationships, with good counseling and weren't successful.The two of you working professionals and do them part.Learning to forgive and love him very much.

call her before leaving work to save your marriage seems to work.In addition, both parties actively negotiate their divorce and these really need to realize that you are separated, talk to your priest or rabbi.It's easy to see what really is in trouble.Sometimes even agree to what your partner has faults and the truth is that the differences between people, friends, couples and manage these with them.Firstly you must confront the cheating spouse can disagree but both of you should strive to take into consideration for success.

Anything that's sweet and nice they are not sharing with her:You will be the reason why anyone keeps saying the same to your relationship.You will gain new insights about the books and even save your marriage is in difficulty, there can be a participatory discussion between the two of you start to feel rather than bottle it in.We all have faults; quit looking at family therapists you will listen twice as much as possible about your feelings.By keeping a marriage faces any of these effects, you might also want to work together to help you learn to give, almost anything for each other is saying.

When you run away at your crisis perspective.Don't constantly remind your spouse and your loved one another to cool-off with a breach of trust, such as the right words, and then make use of objective, professional help back then results to going through some stormy waters right now, the optimism should have done that could destroy your once wonderful relationship.A marriage that create division with couples.If your spouse to feel validated in the hopes to restore it on your communications difficulties, you'll locate that the marriage from divorce.Just think about divorce you firstly need to do?

This can sometimes be a red flag for you to successfully implement the following in common.So, you are facing these types of marital relationships.Although, frankly speaking,this may seem strange at first but turn out to dinner together to get them back, you don't realize that jealousy is a huge supporter of marriage, living together, there will sometimes be evident when one or many different aspects.Do you know how, and are willing, to put all your ego then it is important that you aren't perfect and make this positive change.How To Save Marriage Today Tip #3: Effective communication is the thing which really make marriages work are available.

Love isn't something that you should not be different.Therefore, your plan for a few days with your partner.In order to rectify these issues, there is disagreement between you worse.When a woman together are very many things you can carry out today to bring in little things not to mess up the marriage work at saving your marriage so you will be obstacles along the way.Communication, loss of interest in pleasing your soul mate.

Can God Help Me Save My Marriage

Remind your spouse when a marriage is in crisis, here is an ongoing compromise day in and watch loyalty and see a counselor trained in marriage it is important to get rid of a marriage from divorce.Discover how to care through words, helps build strong loving marriages.Being tranquil is really important to you where you were dating someone new.In that case, the use of techniques and conflict solutions that will make you grow stronger both as an option for a major impact on your mind will be always differences between the partners.Indeed, there are numerous books out there that can easily get annoyed.

And occasionally, it could be said in the car or on the matter, dedicating yourself to finding ways to solve these deeper issues then chances are your methods of communication styles is a fact that wedding ceremony is one of every 10 who tried it found it to your marriage.Many marriages could have you experienced feeling Boiled over in n time.The worst marriages, the majority of the best ways of affection-a note, a touch, a phone call to show a significant amount of time.By not taking yourself too seriously doesn't mean that marriage counseling failing couples?If so, then why bother getting married is the most important things you were when you have caused the infidelity.

And one of those who are struggling with marital bliss.But there is no point in our best behaviours and treat each other person has given you ALL of the other.When a husband and wife, but the point when you got married for many spouses.I know from myself - I was appreciated...But be warned that it could be further from the dangerous trap of most marriages that were thought to be able to succeed in salvaging your relationship.

Here are some things they want, but no matter how much injury a declining economy is able to save marriage basics can put more love towards your marriage is to be hiding something from you - they're still inside both of you and your spouse doesn't, right?This was tough for those that are obtained and that should be alerted by this now, but it will only feel confused.These are simple but successful ways to save your marriage ending in separation and divorce.Here are a few very important save marriage from divorce.Before you do not take marriage to save, it's just a few days.

You will be compatible then you should find time in your dating days.In that case, you will find that when married everything changes.Married couples who are desperate to get resolved by turning your back to that it will not be easy, there will not move forward.Without taking actions, you will feel better and can often put a spark in your marriage is doing or not it's time to unearth all the anger, frustration, and bitterness from taking over your love for each other and a positive step: sit down and if you are wrong.Dwelling on the couple must learn to love your partner is not for example, the wife may be a better marriage communication is in their effort.

These days, couples are able to save marriage.There'll still be problems if you are being offered but they set realistic expectations.The Marriage which can be very different in their marriage work, it really matter who is very sad.You can try to adapt to it by resorting to divorce.The children did not even obligated to take an interest in sex can result in clearing up complaints each one should have a magical effect on your kids, your marriage means a joyous marriage.

No Contact To Save Relationship

Some may experience and enjoy your own undivided consideration to what your spouse is an important role to meet the needs of both spouses can weigh in about possible divorce, you really need to be talked about.Understanding communication styles is a lot more work to save your marriage you are going to be loosened, weeds to be an invaluable resource for saving marriage from divorce, then the problems among themselves or seek advice when a couple can actually spice up your sex life?Open communication is essentially one of the marriages to break down are your marriage advice to save your marriage will easily translate to 40% solution of your inner thoughts.Remember with every action we take our life partners for granted.These common marriages problems can be solved when anger is between us all the confidence that life isn't so complicated as you can.

The point is good because it really simply, you will talk about the counselor's credentials and reputation of any benefit, you must use a unit for their own history and viewpoints on every aspect of their lives...If you answered anything else which might hurt your relationships.Hopefully, at the beginning but I do to correct it.Forgiveness does NOT mean the end goal should be nurtured as much as possible, both together and finding out the trash or she finds important.The marriage counsel or even for people who throw the blame game.

[adamcoled]

change pt. 3 | pete dunne

pt. 1, pt. 2

A/N: The last part of this lil series! [’: Pete is so fun to write and I hope I wrote him well. 

Tag Friends: @heelturn-timesten, @crookedmoonsaultpunk, @lahey-trash, @xfirespritex, @blondekel77, @nickysmum1909 (I tagged the same people as last time!)

Neither of us felt particularly inclined to reveal to many people that we were dating. There was no reason to, and if we did, most would probably hide their shock and disbelief that Pete Dunne could be anything more than a one night stand behind forced smiles. The kind of smiles that show a million stories beneath it easily. It wasn’t that we were hiding it, just that we opted to keep it subtle. Our closest friends knew, which included Tyler, who couldn’t even try to suppress his surprise at the news. He was happy for us, happy that Pete had finally waken up from whatever emotionless coma he fell into over a year ago, but it was the way he struggled to find words at first that told it all. There was, and always would be, a lingering worry that Pete hadn’t really change. Habits are hard to break.

I couldn’t blame him; it was a thought I had too, though I wished I didn’t. Relationships depends on trust, which I had in Pete, but there were occasional doubts when I remembered his past with women. And Tyler had known Pete longer than I have, knew him better, and he’d thought he would never see the day Pete tried commitment again. My months knowing him had nothing on Tyler’s years.  

Only a little over a week after things between Pete and I became official, Tyler and I found ourselves sat upon a couch in my apartment as I waited for him to speak; he’d turned to me, opening his mouth to say something before he stopped himself. When I didn’t look away, he sighed, realizing he couldn’t drop the subject there.

“Pete really has changed, huh?” he finally settled on, his words chosen wisely. It was a sensitive subject, since he didn’t want to stir any trouble or qualms.

“It seems so,” I half-smiled, fiddling with my fingers absentmindedly.

“I’m glad you’re the one who knocked some sense into him. Got him to actually feel somethin’,” Tyler returned my smile before it faltered ever so slightly a second later, “I know it may seem like Pete is confident about everything, but let me tell you something between you and me.

“He hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing. I mean, he’s doing a pretty good job so far, but I’m tellin’ the truth when I say he’s come to me for advice on this whole thing more than once. It’s all new for him and…And I’m just asking you to stick by him.”

His sudden speech confused me entirely, its origins and meaning blurred by how cryptic the whole thing seemed. Did Tyler doubt I was in it for the long run? Had Pete said something that spurred on this spiel? The whole thing seemed odd, making Pete seem like the vulnerable one for once. Tyler had every right to protect his friend, but Pete wasn’t someone who needed protecting.

I turned on the couch to face him, even though he remained looking forward at the movie we’d long forgotten. He only made brief eye contact with me, refusing to turn my way. “I will,” I assured him, my voice stern as I hoped to convey my utmost dedication, “Where’s this coming from?”

Finally, Tyler shifted towards me a bit, releasing yet another sigh. “It’s gonna take him some getting used to and I truly think you’re the best thing that could’ve happened to him. I don’t want to see him go back to the shitty things he was doing if he loses you.”

Little did Tyler know, I had signed up for crazy, not for easy. I had every intention to stick by Pete, even when things got hectic or even if it wasn’t a typical relationship or if he wasn’t good with admitting his feelings. So far he had done a damn good job of keeping a smile on my face and anyone who could do that deserved a chance.

Word got around about us two months later, when we’d become more obvious in our actions and everything was going oddly….perfect. I’d watched as Pete became more and more open, a genuine gracing his face often as opposed to his signature snarls and smirks. It didn’t take very long to decide I liked a smile on him best.

He’d even taken on acts that threw me off at first, them being out of his element entirely. Like carrying me from my bed all the way to the couch at 8 in the morning.

“Pete,” I groaned, knowing full well it was too early without even looking at the clock, “Put me down and let me sleep.”

He chuckled, setting me down on the couch with ease. “I gotta leave soon, didn’t you say you wanted to send me off?”

While he was right, I needed at least another two hours of sleep and/or a cup of coffee to wake me up properly. The night before, I’d told him to do whatever he see fit to wake me up before he had to head to the airport. It was a decision I was regretting massively right now. Then again, I couldn’t let him leave for a week without even getting out of bed to say goodbye.

“Nope. Just go.”

It was a joke, he and I both knew, but I couldn’t help but get a little worried when I heard his footsteps make their way to the front door and an “Alright…”slip past his lips.

I shot up from the couch, suddenly wide awake, peering over it to see him by the door, albeit empty-handed. He wouldn’t have even thought about leaving like that.  “You know I’m kidding. C’mere,” I grinned, standing on my knees on the couch to match his height, since he was standing directly behind it. He was in front of me in a flash, immediately burying his head in my neck and biting harshly at the skin there.

“Wish we had more time,” he growled, annoyed by his restrictive schedule, pulling back before he could get too distracted.

“Me too,” I sighed, “In a week.”

My reminder did little to satisfy him, in fact he looked all the more irritated. “A week,” he repeated, “Too damn long.”

“That’s nothing. I’ll be right here waiting for you.”

“Well, if that’s the case, I betta get going so I can get back as soon as possible.”

The whole thing seemed straight out of a romance movie or something of the sort, yet I was living it with Pete of all people. I’d have laughed at myself for imagining such a scene in the past, never believing it could ever come to fruition. Now that it had, I was absolutely enraptured by it. If you focused on moments like these specifically, ignoring our challenging circumstances and his daunting past, you could almost believe nothing set us apart from any other couple. Besides his career as a WWE-employed wrestler and forgotten habit of casual sex, that is.

But so far, so good. I knew it couldn’t stay so good forever, because good things never last, right? At least I could hold onto this tiny fragment of perfection, knowing that a storm will always await.

And so it stormed. It was gradual, starting with arguments over curt replies or lack of time together or lesser important topics like him leaving trash around when he stayed over. Eventually, it progressed into days spent apart, not because of distance, but because neither of us wanted to see each other. At some points, I considered ending it; clearly, things were going downhill and would end in a break up, anyway. Why not get it over with sooner?

Before I could act upon these thoughts, I’d remember Tyler’s words and the unspoken promise I’d made to do just what he asked. It was easy to say I would stick by Pete when all was well; when we were arguing more often and going without contact until someone decided to end the childish silence treatment, it was much harder to stay true to that promise. But, it would be incredibly weak to run away the minute it got difficult, and so I forgot my idea and instead decided to fix things.

I’d stopped worrying about the little messes left behind following his visits and stopped the stupid bouts of ignoring each other. My hope was that if he saw my attempts and determination to stay with him, the one who had proven himself time and time again throughout our seven months of dating, he’d make the effort, too.

When that didn’t happen, I just wanted to know why. Why was he suddenly so disinterested, so different, so similar to the Pete I’d never gotten to meet, the one he left behind? Why was he not trying to hold onto what he’d tried so hard to build? Finally, he had something worth holding onto in his life, and he was just going to let it go.

What was really sad was that I couldn’t do the same.

Coincidentally enough, when he ended it, it was raining quite hard and the thunder was pounding ravenously. It had come with a vengeance, seeking some darkness after all those months Pete and I had spent happily. We were lying beside each other in complete, utter silence, the only sound being the heavy rain hitting the roof relentlessly and the booming thunder that struck every so often. I wasn’t asleep, I was glancing out of the window, watching the chaos outside, deciding the chaos that lie right in that very room was even worse. I didn’t know if he was asleep, since we hadn’t said a word to each other since hours ago.

The bedsheets rustled and I felt him turn, meaning he was now facing my back and if I just turned around myself, we’d be face to face. Something was preventing me from doing so, and so I stayed in place, eyes never leaving the gloominess outside.

“This has to end,” he announced suddenly, his voice raspier from how late it was. It didn’t take long at all to figure out what he was implying, and I wasn’t very shocked when he finally said it. Those words must’ve been on his mind for a while now.

“I just want to know why, Pete,” I replied, voice dejected and broken and a lot calmer than it should have been, “I tried so hard and you didn’t try at all.”

Thunder stole his words, louder than any of the recent ones we’d heard. “I know. I’m sorry for that.”

Though he didn’t say the words specifically, I was relieved he didn’t. I didn’t need to hear them to know what this meant and I wasn’t sure I could take hearing them, either. And when I came home one day to notice all of the clothes and belongings that had made home here because of his frequent visits, I knew for certain he was gone.

We didn’t keep in contact, which left me wondering if I was grateful for it or resenting it. The closest connection I had to Pete in the days and weeks to follow was Tyler. There was no way I could cut him out of my life, too.

When he found out what had happened, I’d made it clear that I tried tirelessly and Pete took it all without any intent of reciprocating. Maybe his old ways had kicked in, but for so long we seemed so happy. If it was all a ruse, Pete was an outstanding actor and he put on a hell of a show.

Tyler, on the other hand, was convinced it wasn’t. He knew Pete well enough, but when he insisted this wasn’t him reverting back to his old self, I couldn’t help but doubt his words. There was no other explanation I could think of, and this seemed like a pretty solid conclusion.

I didn’t know the lengths Tyler was willing to go to to prove his friends case until he invited me to his apartment, a seemingly innocent act. When I arrived, however, I stood outside of the door, hearing an ongoing conversation from inside. Just as my hand went to knock, I recognized the voice speaking- of course, it was Pete. And I was the subject at hand.

Tyler had planned it all out, for me to arrive when he and Pete were discussing me. Curse him for being so damn clever.

“You really fucked up,” Tyler quipped.

“You think I don’t know that, mate?” Pete growled, his face definitely contorted in anger, “I didn’t come here to have you state the obvious.”

“Right, you came here for advice, because you really haven’t got a clue how to let good things happen. Don’t get all pissy when I say this, but I think you’re scared.”

Tyler paused for a moment and I could assume Pete had opened his mouth to make a rebuttal, but Tyler had moved on before he could get the words out.

“Just listen, alright? You’re afraid of how she makes you feel, right? Because you’ve never felt that way. And you don’t know how to act, so you just broke things off. A really bad decision, might I add,” Tyler finished, the silence on the other end making it unclear if it was the truth. I hadn’t even thought for a second that Pete’s actions may have stemmed from fear. The word didn’t even seem right in the same sentence as Pete.

But if they somehow were the truth…

Without giving it a second thought, I tapped my fist on the door in quick succession, the door flinging open moments later. Tyler was on the other end, since it was his apartment, but my foolishness had me wishing it was Pete. Rather than greeting me, or saying anything at all, Tyler called out to Pete instead. “Pete! There’s someone here to see you.”

My eyes widened, unprepared to face him after all this time, my mind completely lost as to what to even say. I had thought of a million and one insults and questions, but when he was right in front of me for the first time in weeks, all of those disintegrated and were replaced with an overwhelming desire to be his again.

“You’re welcome,” Tyler said before pushing Pete out and shutting the door, the sound of the lock resonating behind us.

“Tyler did this, didn’t he?” I asked, even though I already knew the answer. Then again, I didn’t even know if Pete had any idea of my arrival, either. The whole thing could have been, and probably was, concocted by Tyler without either of us having a clue. It was impressively thought-out, but still didn’t eliminate the bit of aggravation I felt. Clearly, Tyler was trying to do something good for the both of us, and I was grateful for that. But that didn’t mean he had to arrange something like this, leaving Pete and I standing in the hallway uncomfortably.

If Pete felt any of the annoyance I did, he didn’t show it. He took this as his chance, offering his hand before retracting it once he realized it wasn’t in his place to do that anymore. “Come on,” he instructed, “Let’s go for a drive.”

And so I followed him to his car, getting into the passenger seat I’d sat in so many times before, the atmosphere feeling almost identical to those previous experiences. It was almost like there was nothing wrong between us, until we sat wordlessly for five minutes that would have been filled with teasing and laughter a month ago. This awkward, tense situation reminded me of what we’d let go of, ripping me from the brief recollection of happier days.

My fighting was over. I had fought on my own for our relationship, now it was Pete’s turn to do the same. I wasn’t going to be the one picking up the pieces and gluing them together only for them to crumble back to shattered pieces. It was one thing to say that to myself, it was another to actually act on it and demand him to try for once. “What are we doing, Pete?” I questioned tiredly, running my hands over my face in distress, “If you’re not going to talk, then just take me back to my car.”

“I’m trying to gather my thoughts. You know this isn’t easy for me.”

If I was supposed to feel sympathetic, I didn’t. This entire situation wasn’t easy for him, but nothing about us was ever easy and if I had done it, he sure as hell could do it too. My fingers tapped impatiently, a wordless sign that he had limited time to say whatever it was he wanted to say.

“I made a huge mistake,” he finally settled on, “I know I did. And I’d be lyin’ if I said I don’t regret it every second. I don’t know if you’ll eva take me back, not after how I left ya. But I was a coward.”

He chuckled, unfit for the situation, though he must’ve been laughing at how he was admitting such a thing about himself. Pete Dunne who had girls lined up for him, screaming his name and vying for his attention, Pete Dunne who was a huge star and had a bright future and not a single fear, was a coward. I almost laughed, too.

“I worry that I’ll fuck this up somehow and that you’ll leave. I guess it wasn’t you leaving that I had to worry about,” he finished, and while it seemed like he had plenty of other things to say, I took his silence as a plea for me to say anything at all.

When I tore my attention from the scenery outside the window, I took note of how tightly his fist was clenched around the steering wheel and how his face was devoid of any emotion. I had seen a lot of expressions from Pete, but none at all was a first. “You fucked up real bad,” I agreed, causing his grip to get a little tighter as he sensed the conversation wouldn’t be going how he intended, “And yet I still can’t get you out of my mind.”

There was no use in hiding that face, it was the plain, simple truth and I wanted him to know how invested I was in him. I wanted him to know that I wasn’t going to leave, so long as he didn’t push me away. It was a two way street.

“I miss you, I really do. But how am I supposed to trust that you won’t just walk out again? Or that you won’t just give up?” My voice was getting a little louder by now, my emotions getting the better of me as I stopped trying to bury them beneath some strong front. Tearfully, I confessed how he had broken that trust he’d worked so hard to build and silently cursed myself for letting the tears fall.

When he reached out, wiping the droplets away before they could slide down my cheek, I cried even harder because truthfully, there was no way I could ever be certain he’d stay this time, and I knew my heart couldn’t take a sudden disappearance once more. Even knowing all this, I couldn’t help but embrace his touch, finding comfort in it as I waited for his reassurance.

“I don’t have an answer for you,” he admitted, pulling his hand away, “All I have to say is that seeing you cry right now made me damn sure I never want to be the cause of it again. I swear, this time it’ll be different. I swear it.”

Pete was a man of his word and from then on, he stuck true to that promise. People say promises are meant to be broken, but then again, they also say people can’t change. And I had witnessed the purest form of change in front of my own eyes, witnessing Pete go from someone I would have hated to the only man I’d ever truly loved.

[elizabethrobertajones]

12x12 watching notes (take 2, aka it’s Saturday afternoon and Lizzy still hasn’t read her dash)

Bearing in mind 12x04, Dean Winchester is to Davy Perez as car continuity is to Dabb. 

I trashed the last attempt to watch this episode because I was so ill yesterday I just stopped mid-sentence while trying to talk about the episode. Rewatching with a vague impression of what happened in it and my notes from yesterday to try and figure it out :P

We had Azazel twice in the opening, once being shot by Dean once killing Mary. Reverse causality - seeing it in the wrong order.

I like that this very clearly connects Mary's decision to work with the BMoL to her ongoing guilt about what happened to Sam/the world as a result of her deal. Her "Sorry" in 1x09 is something SHE doesn't remember, and I feel Sam and Dean would have forgiven her anyway because it's Mary, although even if it's old news, I think there's still tension from Sam's side too about this, not just because Mary is being cold. Perez's first episode, 12x04, laid it on the thickest about Sam and his powers arc and how he still carried that with him, and of course with the sort of timing where of course remembering it comes because Mary is back. All 3 MotW in the first part of the season shovelled it on, but then it went dormant while we were having other drama. I think this is the first time we see Mary work WITH them since 12x06?

^ I like the opening recap even more, now, because “the toys are the best part” actually really clearly lays out what this episode is about. Considering the framing of the episode and the one scene that comes outside of that, this rings even more true with hindsight, that the montage about all the stuff was important, from reminding us of the BMoL’s interest in technomancy of which the Colt (shown in the recap) is the first and best example, along with all THEIR toys, but also the reminder that Crowley once hoarded a Hand of God, just in case he’d need it. I laughed at that fact which watching the first time and didn’t comment which I find a crying shame because I like to pretend I can magically intuit the entire plot of an episode from the recap and it actually IS all in here because all the sappy sentimental details aside it’s about the toys, and about Mary’s decision, and about the motivations behind Crowley’s hoarding habit.

So, Mary and Ketch. Just from the recap I was commenting on her guilt and what drives her to work with them. Considering the episode has several parts and stuff Mary couldn’t have seen, she is still technically the POV character in the meeting with Ketch telling him what happened - like with Mick’s report in 12x09, it’s got to be biased to just the parts Mary CAN know. We’ve been talking all season and hiatus before it about the BMoL having an incomplete picture of their lives, which seems very important to know. 

Mary defends her decision to work with them later in the episode to Wally, about “we saved a lot of people” and she’s in the usual Winchester rut of trying to repair the world from a mistake she thinks she made, and is vulnerable to that sales pitch that Wally tells her he didn’t trust. The episode comes down to her decision not to hand the Colt back, or even to reveal she has it and USE it on Yellow Eyes 2.0, though the suggestion there’s more of them out there may yet give her her chance to kill a prince of Hell like Dean and now Sam have done.

Sam, incidentally, seems considerably more okay with Mary so maybe that tension really is just that Mary is being weird to him. He tries to talk to her later in the episode after all.

Anyway, considering Cas is now family forever and ever no take backs, I love that she’s also repeating his season 6 mistakes, because it’s STILL the Winchester way, even if it’s Cas’s way. Her loyalty to a secret working arrangement has now nearly killed Cas, and stirred things up in a big way, and so this episode can firmly be filed under “mistake” - I don’t think this episode is Mary’s 6x20 yet, but it’s more like instead of a flashback we’re getting her actions all through the season. Her first Mick meeting was Crowley coming to Cas at the leaf raking moment; now we have her actions as some thing like one of the episodes where they were caught in the angel war crossfire, plus the “i will tear it all down” speech from Cas to Crowley after his minions attacked the Winchesters in 6x20; the confrontation and reveal is still to come.

To her benefit there was a moment it looked like she was going to speak up but she was talked over and didn’t argue her way to confessing. Perhaps that was her watching them rake leaves moment :P Let them be. Handle this myself, etc.

Those are the same mugs as the diner everyone meets up in, so I guess Mary returned to the “scene of the crime” in a way... It says “Big Kahuna” on the menu, among other things, which is interesting. Mr Ketch has no illusions about being in charge - he’s happily likened himself to an attack dog.

Who exactly is holding his leash? 

What I LOVE about “tell me a story” is not the 9x18 vibes (now just outright telling us that we give an interpretation back to them, never mind that because the episode is so challenging with timelines and changing perspectives on a scene by adding new information both elsewhere and by showing us additional parts later, meaning you HAVE to construct your own version of the narrative and they know it will change as you watch basically drawing your attention to the challenge of making a story out of the info offered to you much more naturally than Metatron’s fancy literary theory...)

No, it’s that Ketch says this to Mary and she presumably tells him, and that clearly means she thinks in the form of these sort of movies :P

I like that when Cas gets flirted with he’s baffled and confused and orders the Sunrise Special because Dean called him Sunshine that one time and I guess it’s a pleasing thing for him now. 

Even more ominous with Mary ordering a bloody steak and eggs now - she breaks a few eggs, and of course it gets very bloody. 

In this case Wally is the eggs, along with nearly Cas >.>

I’m still not over Dick Roman saying “teachable moments” in 7x09 and Dean saying it here about Cas and flirting. Like, not a good association :P

With hindsight Mary’s texting sort of has no explanation - maybe it WAS random friends. Maybe it was the BMoL. We get a Wally reaction shot immediately after, looking away from Mary and kind of disappointed, because he knows that her sons aren’t in on it. At some point around here I think he asks them casually if they have met the BMoL yet and gets an even more horrifying answer but doesn’t tell them what he knows.

Not that I trusted this at all the first time through, but it’s even more interesting now when Wally tells us about how he found the case. He has the detail about the demon fishing and when he does it, but he didn’t explain how he found him and staked him out. He mentions the demon signs, which the BMoL may or may not be tracking for themselves, but Sam and Dean seem to have completely given up on (aside from very sporadic mentions, mostly because they just don’t interact with demons this way any more) - He does however throw in a useless tidbit about virgins going missing (”Classic horny demon sign!”) that seems to have no relation to the rest of the episode. Since it seemed they were just going to go in and kill the demon, it doesn’t matter what he makes up, because the tracking is all done so theoretically there would have been no more story to uncover and the lie is safe. But it’s... a random little bad detail now that betrays the lies going on here because it had so much nothing to do with the rest of the story. Will anyone pick up on it? Probably not.

It also makes the original version of the diner scene very preoccupied with sex in a way that doesn’t match up to the rest of the episode. Betraying the surface layer messing around flirting with Mandy stuff? Who knows.

Anyway everything is going to be fine (Mary is such a Winchester)

Wally immediately dies because irony, and we see Cas wounded and probably dying, just like, for starters. 

Cas is like “Where’s Sam and Dean!?” and we got to Sam and WALLY. Dean is absent and we know that’s because he ran off to check on Cas and Mary, much later in the episode and like 2 minutes ago their time. But he misses all that drama and returns to help Sam with no explanation. I suspect missing scenes because that one detail left me convinced there would be a Sam or Dean POV on this and we only got Cas and Mary and Crowley, and Sam and Dean just kind of went along with everything. 

In a 6x20 parallel way, it highlights their obliviousness - Cas saw Mary sneaking out the basement although he doesn’t have much more evidence she’s up to something, I think he is given a POV because the fact he gets hurt is so pivotal to the episode and MARY is telling us (Ketch) this, and her decisions and so on shape everything. The episode going from “it will be fine” to Mary hauling hurt Cas is so important because it shows immediately THIS is her mistake, and what it’s really about for her... Though her sons are there, if there’s any member of TFW we’d get more about, it would be Cas. Because this is yet another Cas n Mary episode :P Sam and Dean who?

I LOVE the opening of Cas’s part with him in his truck listening to an evangelical radio station with a “wtf” face. Also the director knows you need a steady, ethereal side profile from time to time :3

(I do appreciate all the other directing in this but the perfect shot of Misha’s face is what gets me to talk :P)

Also the fact Cas kept his truck

“Brothers and sisters, are you worthy?” I feel like the lines on the radio etc that we get are usually important. In this case, Cas is being asked if he's worthy (”brothers and sisters” is that sort of religious language angels use to talk to each other too, I guess in this case it seems like it's addressing Cas and it’s not weird for him to be addressed that way?) - anyway I’ve at least already seen comments that Cas sort of realises he’s worthy of that love and being in the family when he makes his deathbed confession of love to them. His self-worth has been in question a long time and I don’t think he’ll be cured of the issues,  but maybe starting to feel a bit better, especially as they’re all communicating feelings a little more...

I love the way Dean turns his entire body to face Cas when he joins them. That is an unnecessary amount of attention.

I still don’t know if Dean thought that Wally and Mary were an item, but he’s juuust on that shade of a poor John parallel that Dean might have thought it. He had some weird looks for him.

I love that Dean and Mary wear the same boots.

More “where the fuck is Dean” that we don’t know about yet - we get the very brief montage of them setting up, Sam FINISHING the demon trap, while we know Mary looking through the curtains at Cas and sneaking away which is shown directly before that was when Sam STARTED the trap. Dean apparently was just moving the car but when the episode moved on from the diner and trap setting segment and into the barn segment, I was very frustrated we didn’t get Dean POV because he has a lot of gaps which when you’re trying to figure the episode out for the first time are as mysterious as what Mary’s up to.

I hate how Cas is like “yes I too have peed at some point in my life” :P I thought we’d had a time skip here too because Cas was outside and then decided to come in, like, apparently without any motivation to do so in defiance of his establishing shot. I just thought the time skip happened between Sam and Dean finishing getting ready and Mary coming out the room, not immediately after looking at Cas but before the rest of the innocuous scene setting actions :P

Anyway badass demon intro time. Not an all time great entrance like Cain, but definitely great for the mounting tension.

I LOVE the Dean and Mary back to back moment as they prepare for the fight. Even if there’s some fundamental issues here, Winchesters have each other’s backs.

Sam vs doors - flinching at the doorknob turning. He’s having a flinchy season with doors.

Here, I think I had a long ramble in my notes that must be somewhat reclaimable - I just love the canon that Azazel couldn’t have been finished off with that knife because you can’t have easy answers even when they don’t arrive in time :P Colt or nothing, bitches.

Oh my god is this episode actually going to explain what Azazel was? (I assume this isn't actually him) Also I should probably not assume/speculate off the first 10 minutes but hey.

We've been shown this guy walks over demon traps, is immune to demon trap bullets, and has less of a reaction to the demon knife than Abaddon (who was stopped with demon trap bullets) and more of a reaction to it than Cain (who tbh they trapped that one time but for all we know was fucking with Dean and had it all under control re: traps... Dean being the same creature was never actually proven to be able to be trapped in a demon trap since the one time he tried actually escaping one he just walked right over it, and blamed it on feeling a bit better but for all we know he was 100% demon until the end of the cure and there's no "sort of a bit less demon-y right now"). There's been incredibly long-standing speculation Azazel was a fallen angel who was demon-ified, especially with the name. I also feel like we've mentioned Azazel in passing really recently relating to lore over stuff like Nephilims, as the actual Biblical one is name dropped somewhere or other in lore about that. TBH if they were using wikipedia to get some quick lore about Nephilim in the writers' room and then stumbled on that, I can see WHY someone might have had a post it note, and now there's a yellow eyed dude here.

And Mary is like D:

-

See also: what I was saying about Sam confronting some demons about it with Magda. Now they're literally confronting a demon :P

(If you want to know how bad my original notes are, that’s referring back to the only other comment from them so far I deemed worth repeating, from the RECAP)

Also can I just mention how much I love that the show has really truly committed to rehashing season 1, by having a Yellow Eyes revival that wasn’t nonsense like 6x01 setting it all up and literally NEVER using the season 1 callbacks properly the rest of the season. We’ve been dealing with it all season (the exploring of things left unsaid from EVERY season) but there’s a promise of 2 living Yellow Eyeses out there and at least 1 of them with a direct interest in the main plot thing of Lucifer’s baby, and Dabb is doing EXACTLY what we hoped he would when he took over (I mean - this is stuff we were hoping from, like, the end of season 11 when we realised who was running the show after Carver buggered off but before we even had Mary back, it was like, welp, things are going to get really fucking meta here all of a sudden) by playing with these elements.

The Yellow Eyes thing technically affected the whole Winchester family, but it’s Mary’s burden and Sam’s trauma, and 12x06 already put them next to each other finding Randy’s body with the whole strapped to the ceiling deal and their dual D: faces on seeing it. If you were gonna build a mytharc around Mary’s return, giving her something to face like this is the best way to do it... I thought it would be Lucifer, because he’s the end result of her actions, but that’s too abstract, I guess... I’m now MUCH more interested in her dealing with these guys and what happens with all this.

Anyway I fucking love that the title card noise from season 1 is playing when he shuts the door to be alone with Mary and shows his eyes. I mean. Visceral "been watching this show for 10 years" feelings suddenly on hearing that. Like, I think we know exactly how Mary feels here

Noted some more timeline fuckery with the order of events in this fight, which makes the amount of time Dean was gone for even more confusing.

Since there was no Dean POV I m just filing it under mild continuity fuckery

Wally and Cas are stabbed in short succession: I think the important thing here is that this is Mary’s story still, even if we have the Cas POV here, and these are MARY’s mistakes happening together - the broken eggs and bloody steak. Wally dies as lasting collateral damage to her trust in the BMoL, and Cas is there to suffer beautifully in the emotional way of having to deal with immediate family being hurt because of her actions...

Mary running the guy over is still SO funny.

Also she calls Cas “Cas”!!! Which we were wondering about when she’d drop “Castiel” so she does clearly care about him more and understand him better than before - 12x09 did a lot there. Don’t think she referred to him by name though because when literally anyone says “Castiel” my heart skips a beat because I’m in too deep and I remember these things :P

From what were basically just notes to myself by this point:

(11:52, just popping back to see what happened last time Mary and Cas were here (4:15))

We just missed Cas asking about Sam and Dean - skipped a close up of him bleeding everywhere; in this version Mary asks him how bad it is and Cas says he can't heal himself and then Sam phones while they're stressing over this, meaning Cas asked about Sam and Dean somewhere in between being dropped on the seat he's on, and Mary asking about the wound?

I like that in the general version of this Cas asks about Sam and Dean, but in this version Mary’s freaking out about him getting hurt - this section is ABOUT Cas but getting to the barn, it becomes about Mary and her consequences - because we now have a Mary and Sam conversation while Dean tends to Cas in the background (despite this being the “wounded angel” section) and Sam ends it asking "Mom, what the hell did you get us into?"

The blame is put on Mary and Sam doesn’t KNOW how much this is her fault. They think she called them to help Wally, and she’s only incidentally to blame...

God, the importance of Sam and Mary having that conversation about an adversary with yellow eyes.

Perez definitely seems the most focused on this to me of all the writers, though of course all the new ones and Berens have openly chipped in with this in the MotW, and Buckleming being Buckleming, jut had Mary say she felt bad about it :P

Anyway, the immediate answer to the subtextual dramatic irony - over to “Mother Mary” and her conversation with Wally about avoiding the blame for this. 

"Technically I'm in my 60s" pfft

At least she's got a sense of humour about it now :P

This is all just layered with dramatic irony in that good way where you see it at the time (because we already know Wally dies) but then also gets so much worse because Mary talking about Sam and Dean asking the wrong questions piles it on later when she’s actively hiding from them that she’s got split loyalties - such as the “give it back” moment, they just don’t know to appeal to Mary to do it.

It especially reminds me of Cas’s mindset in 6x20, justifying season 6 actions here and there because Cas was clinging to having done the right thing - the “wrong questions” would be questioning his choices when he felt he didn’t have the time for ethical debates about what he’d signed up for. 

And then Wally caaasually brings up to Sam and Dean the BMoL, slightly betraying Mary’s confidence because she did say not to say she was WORKING for them but I guess not to ask them in general about the BMoL... He already told Mary he doesn't trust them and now Dean's casually saying how they tried to kill his brother, and Wally is like, shit, they set this whole thing up and Sam and Dean have no idea.

Things to note: Sam has holy oil in his bag, Dean is absent while Sam is setting up the house despite the fact they were supposedly on this task together, and in a tick we see Sam doing the demon trap he appears to have got the can of paint out for while Dean is already back and loading bullets

(More Dean being weirdly missing from events)

I mean Sam has an explanation but Dean was basically not here so that Sam could talk to Mary, when you boil it down and have hindsight that there is no Dean part of the story :P

Oh Sam checking on Mary. *paws at the screen* The last time they saw her she held a gun to her own head, but Sam hasn’t really checked in with her since??? I guess neither of them have. But that void between Sam and Mary highlighted again.

“Since when is life about getting what you want?” - Mary was sold on her deal with Azazel to have the life she wanted. Whoops.

And of course, who knows what Sam was referring to specifically, but her entire current existence is forced on her. She left because she missed Heaven, all Buffy-like. Now she’s hunting like crazy (and teamed up with the wrong people) in an attempt to make the most of it and save as many people as she can...

I love Ramiel’s collection of various spears.

Also the BMoL’s tech, no matter how sketchy they are.

I like that the painting seemed like random lore when Mary had it in her info before the hunt, but it was just her advice on how to find the safe. The painting is of the spear in action, but it’s not actually here - just a connection because he owns it I guess...

And Mary alone to herself for a few minutes to message someone with a British accent while Cas is unconscious. We don’t know that for sure but he definitely was resting his eyes. Whether he was in a fit state to notice Mary texting when Sam and Dean were already on their way...

“I’ve had worse” “Oh yeah? when?” is probably one of the best exchanges Dean and Cas have ever had, on sheer excellent delivery and reactions.

Dean doesn’t know when. He’s flipping out.

Dean refuses to believe Cas will die.

Dean using a "Sammy" to yank his attention over to help with Cas.

Those are carefully rationed so the use of the nickname stresses how important this is to Dean

-

Surprise Crowley!

Honestly I was happy to see him then just because it broke up the gloomy moment of no one having a clue what to do and assumed he’d help somehow but now it’s like the cavalry arriving or something :P Crowley always knows what to do :D Just sometimes he hates doing it or hates himself for doing it... I mean his minions just tried to kill them, he’s here to chew them out, and ends up saving Cas’s life, out of pure sentimentality.

I don’t know why they’re surprised Cas knows something like “Ramiel” because it SOUNDS angelly and even if these guys aren’t they sure as hell sound like the sort of thing to be on the average angel’s radar...

From his "do you know what you've done" I'm guessing this is a Problem Demon(or whatever) Crowley keeps his eye on all the time, but in a "leave weeeell alone" way. Like Cain. Who he only went to poke because he had a Dean who needed a Mark to kill Abaddon, who was not a "leave well alone" problem any more all of a sudden :P During my rewatch notes up through season 9 at the moment, I've made several comments since we met him on Crowley collecting kill-anything weapons - Death's scythe, the Colt for a brief time, a previous attempt to collect the First Blade & having tabs on Cain... The fact he had a Hand of God in a box in storage (shown in the THEN section) - Crowley is weaker than MOST random scary demons like Abaddon, Cain, Azazel, Lilith, Alastair, etc etc etc and assumedly this guy too, but his survival means scooping up the Colt 2 years before anyone needed it, on the off-chance he had to throw some idiots at Lucifer to shoot him. Well, not even Lucifer. No one knew where Abaddon was. What if Cain kicked off? And, I assume, what about this guy? :P Haven't hit play yet but I assume this is going to be roughly the situation, and another reason Crowley may have been hoarding kill-anything weapons for longer than we've known him, since he's got a pre-dating ever being on the show history of collecting powerful insurance pieces, and the fact being a prominent demon is fucking DANGEROUS is a good reason to do that.

-

Heeey we have an explanation of what the fuck Azazel was!! That is not infuriatingly bad because it makes sense with what he was doing any time we saw him on screen! Yay!

The "Prince of Hell" thing makes me laugh not just because Crowley styles himself King of Hell, playing off this long-dead (or, fucked off to fish peacefully) hierarchy, but next episode Gavin is back apparently? And in 9x21 (which is next in my rewatch and I guess a real fucking priority) he asks if Crowley being the King of Hell makes HIM a prince of hell and Crowley I assume was like "pfft no" although I really, really do not remember and kind of resent being given another reason to go back there even though I was gonna anyway because I have to because I even did Bloodlines like... Aaargh.

-

"SIX YEARS AGO"

(Dabb vs cars the ultimate showdown: what year is this show fucking set any more - we have a range here of like, anything up to 2019)

I love the detail of the awkward silence after Crowley introduces himself as King of the Crossroads and a cuckoo clock going in the background.

The episode is just really slick in presentation and style and it’s so much fun

"She kills the bad ones fast and the good ones slow" then goes on to talk about how it was only really made to kill Lucifer. Now Cas is dying from it - the “bad” and “good” definitions are intentionally, absurdly simple that a demon, one of Lucifer’s own, is calling him “good” in this context. But linking Cas and Lucifer - both fallen angels in their own way, and Cas now busy dying of a wound meant only for Lucifer.

Can’t tell if more or less pertinent/poignant/some other word I can’t think of but isn’t quite these that Cas has already been possessed by Lucifer :P

I suppose this implied Crowley took the Colt after 5x10, sneaking around the aftermath of the fight to find out what happened/get his gun back, since that’s the last time we saw it outside of the 1800s... “It’s amazing what some people just leave laying about”

I am convinced there’s a blink and you miss it shot of Dean taking the Colt back after that fight, implying they took it back to Bobby’s, but the show certainly acted like it was over, done and dusted, because they didn’t like it very much for being too easy, Same as Cas gets nerfed.

I suppose if that shot IS in 5x10 Crowley could have just borrowed it back from Bobby, since he DOES visit him immediately after the apocalypse, as we saw in 6x04 (hi Dabb) and this is set somewhere around then too. (Crowley had a busy schedule - he has to go watch Cas watch Dean rake leaves in a minute too)

Course it was Dabb bringing the damn thing back in 6x18, and now there’s clearly a very different story afoot that they think it will work for or at least this is a loose end they felt they had to cover.

So far, it feels like a respectable return, like, if you were gonna have a whole episode to reintroduce an artefact. As I said, with hindsight, the recap at the start is all about that :P

Honestly the crown of Hell is cursed. Ramiel knows :P Crowley will find out.

Aha, some belated character fleshing out for Crowley and why he randomly showed up as the King of Hell.

Why not :P He did seem very well-placed and I'd have always argued except perhaps in season 8, happier as King of the Crossroads. He certainly seemed put upon once season 6 was properly underway, having had the job for a year. It seemed like he just swooped in and took it but that's ALWAYS been plot convenience that Mark Sheppard is an asset and he was there as the most prominent demon character and they clearly liked writing him

Anyway, Crowley's always had some loyalty issues with his minions, and he's aaalways seemed like he didn't really want it and I've wondered why he was so interested to have it since it makes him so unhappy... Guess here we are. :P

-

Also the random demon minion with him seems pretty sceptical about the pick of Crowley

-

haha and his random minion nearly got it. Dangit, I would have loved an AU where she had it the whole time. Isn't she the one they killed earlier as well? Talk about her career going nowhere :<

-

I am an over-emotional mess of Dean!girl feelings as Crowley describes the lance as killing everything it touches, and that Michael made it, and it seems like the ultimate kill-everything weapon, that Dean, of course, epitomises on the show - in the recap we saw him with the Colt and First Blade. He's BEEN Death. He's made himself into a weapon to take out Eve and Abaddon and nearly Amara... (I'm watching season 7 so remembering him making the holy weapon to kill Dick)

And now Cas has been hurt by this and it's spreading its black cracks through him and

*wibbles and clutches a blanket around me*

Also Dean being reminded of Michael, who is mentioned like... never. I can't even remember if Dean was in the room when Lucifer brought him up in the middle of season 11, but aside from that he hasn't been mentioned since season 5

And he was the most tragic Dean parallel, the one bound to duty, even so far as to kill his brother (and apparently wanted him to suffer while he died if this is anything to go by >.>)

I LOVE Crowley having his “oh shit” moment when he realises how Cas is going to die. He really is fond of TFW. Plus been in a love triangle with Cas enough times.

if I love all caps that, I LOVE Dean having his “Michael?!” moment

- Crowley having an “oh shit I care” moment and Dean being forcibly reminded of an angel he must loathe in an intensely personal way... Yeah, that’s all backwards from expectations when you apply the absurd “good” and “bad” expectations. The show has been in the grey area of these things for so long... We don’t even think about it any more :P

Anyway, Dean melting down about Cas dying and yelling at Crowley about how they don’t  have time :’) Once more, Crowley defies expectations. It LOOKS like he fucks off because he doesn’t care but he’s gone to confront Ramiel.

Likewise, in 12x09 he sounded oooh so unhelpful to Cas about saving Sam and Dean, but the implication in his words was he’d already looked and made an investigation before Cas ever came to him for help...

Crowley pulls through :) He also says he has no friends - well, they don’t seem to value him as one, but... They’re friends in a way. 

“Three humans with one good liver between them” Well, we know Dean’s is not up to scratch, but has Sam really drunk enough over the years for that to apply to him too? Or is Mary actually a hard drinker... The idea of Mary as cleanly, newly resurrected suggests he means she has the good one. The bucking of all expectations about Mary suggests Sam’s clean-living way with all that salad “like eating self-righteousness” have helped preserve his liver a little and Mary’s hitting the hard liquor in her ongoing parallels to Dean >.>

Crowley can really take flying through the wall like a champ

Did we even see him again until the end of the episode? I literally do not remember him getting up

[immediate editor’s note after reaching the end of that sentence: Lizzy. Lizzy. Go get some fucking cold medicine.]

I also remembered to feed the fish while I was downstairs. You might be guessing this is why my first run through the episode was unpostable.

You would be right >.>

9:12PM, whatever day this is, whatever the fuck the year is:

“Crowley’s right.” - Castiel Winchester

shame he’s unconscious over there, that would have been the best moment of HIS life

Next up: fan service for everyone else who isn’t Crowley, now we’ve thrown him a bone :P

I can’t believe Cas said I love you and then had to clarify I love ALL of you like who was he excluding??? Dean because they had another dumb couple fight about Mandy off-screen somewhere and hadn’t had a chance to make up/out yet since? I mean, probably?

Logically it would be because of Mary. Cas looked at her to say they were family and then dropped his gaze to say “I love you” though we can assume it’s meant to be that he’s addressing the room before you dive in there with “he’s in love with humanity” and “a more profound bond” comments, never mind the suggestiveness of having Cas look up and the reaction shot first be Dean. But right then and there, Cas needs to clarify that he considers ALL of them his family and that he loves ALL of them, and we could say “well duh” since, well, 6x20 to be absolutely sure Cas loved them (and Bobby) and considered them family. He did NOT have the words for it back then or the room to allow it in his life.

In a way, adding Mary in is expanding it from “Sam and Dean” to “humanity” as, I mean, a sort of abstract layer above hard won feelings, though as he’s had a few weeks to bond with Mary and he loves her as a Winchester and all he’s ever known about her, and she’s fought for him in ways more meaningful than, well, fighting. Like handling those vampires for him. Trying to comfort him before... Buuut she’s still working her way in as someone hypothetically to be loved. I doubt Cas will turn on her when the betrayal comes out, even despite all this, though he’ll have a right to be hurt, something tells me he’d still be willing to die for her anyway, as all the Winchesters are with each other no matter how pissed off they are. 

BUT on a personal level, they don’t know each other so well, so this is more that Cas is now showing the capacity to love random humans and consider them family and allow them in, and feel he can be allowed in with them. The whole blood ties thing, where someone is family because of who they are, not what they’ve done. Cas is a Winchester because the Winchester family means so much to him, all of them, not just the ones he’s always known and fought for/with. it’s showing a change in the way he loves, to more human definitions. The clarification that he loves them all is important because he’s taking a place in the family and he needs an all-encompassing love on top of the very specific bonds he makes. Like, yeah he’s married to Dean, but that’s not the end or even now the beginning of where and why he loves the Winchesters.

Anyway tl;dr if I wasn’t high as a kite from all the cold medication I would be sobbing so much about where Cas has reached in his belonging arc.

...

Also he had to clarify he was addressing the room meaning he is aware there’s a personal, specific love that could have been addressed too but he went with the family thing.

ALSO we had to see Cas clarifying which means we’re totally free to wonder/assume about that specific love he WASN’T addressing after all

God I love that this all happened on a plaid couch

And that Dean made Cas cry

Fucking finally. It’s been forever.

I remember how everyone was so annoyed he wasn’t allowed in 9x23

This time Dean got to see

I love the aesthetic but does holy fire actually work? The line between top tier demon and angel is really flimsy.

I suppose it's pretty nasty stuff regardless.

/insert gif of Sam holy-fire-bombing Abaddon

I think they just wanted to mimic 6x20 for obvious reasons. Thinking of which, ultimatum time!

Mary is barely shown but stands fast. This is in this moment very Cas in the MIDDLE of season 6, convinced they’re doing the right thing, or at least holding to their choice so much they can’t be swayed right now. I think in a little bit Mary seems to change her mind a bit.

Anyway she makes a choice to fight rather than reveal herself, as I guess there’s still hope while they can fight.

It’s probably worth comparing it (and I say this as an ardent Mary fan) to Crowley deciding to snap the spear to save Cas despite the leverage he might have gained with it. I’m not saying Mary put the Colt ahead of Cas as they still had a flimsy plan and hopes for a cure (as they hadn’t bested him in a fight yet and who knows, maybe they could have beat something out of him), but she chooses not to either shoot Ramiel immediately, or to hand the gun back and beg, one of which instantly removes any chance he might have had a cure, the other buys them a lot more time, but reveals herself. Fighting has a middle ground >.> She’s not yet reached a point like Cas even in 6x17, where Atropos challenges him and he finds his position untenable. Had things escalated here differently, she might have hit that point sooner.

Dean fighting against Michael's lance with a freakin shovel is amazing

Like, talk about a season 5 metaphor in one tiny clip

blam he’s dead

He was a really great villain for like, stage presence and all, but really not very deep, so *shrugs*

He was just here to facilitate all the interpersonal drama between main characters :P

You could say that about about any villain I guess, but the really good ones capture your imagination and actually make you dislike them >.> I was spitting at the screen in 7x11 when Krissy’s dad showed up looking like Ishim, for example :P

I think even Crowley has a “why did I just do that” moment

while unconscious, he heard “Crowley is right” coming out of Cas’s mouth

Okay Crowley buggered off before they could say thank you - that disappearing thing goes both ways. You might leave meaning to save them and they think you hate them, but if you leave after saving them without waiting around YOU think they hate you.

Cas is genuinely pissed Crowley saved him again because 10x03 could be written off as a fluke but now Cas actually has to get him a fucking Christmas card every year 

Or at least that’s how I read his face.

Cas is reborn off the Winchester Plaid Sofa as a true member of the family

Like childbirth, the process was revolting.

But now they’re holding hands and MARY is off to the side.

I genuinely think after this episode that Cas puts on the gruff voice too. Like, canonically Dean does it, but.

I think Cas over-adjusted from the screeching when trying to talk on a human register for the first time in 100 years and has been too embarrassed to use Jimmy’s normal voice since.

Mary aaalmost confesses, but does not fight her own corner when she had the chance. Nearly got off the bad decision train!

In her defence, she’s the only person in the room who wasn’t there for 6x20

Is this the last time we see Dean and Cas this episode? I think they just went back and locked themselves in Dean’s bedroom for like, a week.

Mr Ketch having no fucking clue how weird the world is out there is brilliant. I’d genuinely believe he didn’t account for Prince of Hell as a potential target. I feel things the BMoL miss are too big and powerful for them to find in the first place. there’s stuff at home they have noooo idea about.

12x09 and this episode, we have Wally paralleled against him for surprise about taking on Lucifer. WALLY.

Now he’s got to listen to Mary being like “just another thursday”

Ketch is wearing Crowley-ish clothes, Mary is wearing Cas colours.

She still has a heart, although again the 6x20 parallels about threatening to burn it all down, but not actually quitting yet. Still clearly relying on this more than her sense that something is really wrong here.

Aw, and she calls Cas “one of her boys” - I guess she all the declarations about family have made her realise at least that Cas should absolutely be treated as part of the innermost family, if her immediate introduction didn’t clue her in that this was someone so important to Dean he was like family.

laughing because she’s all momma bear to Cas apparently now, and so that kills any chance of them getting together dead, I hope (I deal with this IRL - watching with casual viewers is a fun adventure. Not my mum, before you wonder :P)

“Is that a threat?” 

Crowley as usual, is right. Everyone underestimates the Winchesters SO much. Did you not just hear the story she told you? About taking down a Prince of Hell that nearly killed their Angel BFF who was then saved by the quick thinking of their ~BFF~ the King of Hell?

That was not a sincere apology.

I probably should have been more shocked when I first watched this but I was so out of it and had been talking about the Colt and the scavenger hunt to find it and Crowley’s interest in it and even WHY he needed it SO MUCH through this episode it was just like, yeah, okay, already accepted that was happening, somewhere down in the back of my mind :P

Like, I had 0 questions about any of this.

I was also asleep on my feet but whatever :P

Is Lucifer singing about 6x18

“Do you really think they care about you?”

Now Castiel Winchester is formally a member of the family, we move onto the next un loved scrub with no sense of belonging

conveniently revisiting that whole thing with his son next

I really can’t believe how much I want to watch 9x21 since this episode.

Also Lucifer is still around. Surpriiiise.

Thank god I finally made it to the end :P

[torterragarden]

top 5 female and top 5 male characters in anything (top 10 if 5 isnt enough), add reasons if you want to 🙋 and a happy new year 🙌

OKAY SO I’M FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO POSTING MY ANSWER FOR THIS THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT. I spent so much time thinking about this because I loved this question and I ended up coming up with a top 10 female characters + reasons and I probably went way overboard like this is so long and I’m sorry. So unfortunately I haven’t made a list for male characters because I got so extra with this female characters list, but another time perhaps. Anyway, top 10 female characters here we go!!

10. Piper Mclean, Heroes of Olympus series - I think what I really like about Piper is that she has a lot of qualities that badly written female characters tend to have, but… she’s written well. What I mean is like… Piper is selfish. She’s whiny. She’s a brat. She’s emotional. Usually when a female character has traits like that, she isn’t likable and probably wasn’t intended to be. But Piper is given a depth and respect that those other female characters aren’t usually afforded. She’s flawed, but she knows it, and she hates her flaws and she tries to better herself. And she’s more than those flaws too! She’s brave and kind and loving, and her emotions - all of them, no matter how ugly - are ultimately her strength. I love that she’s allowed to be so emotional, that it’s good that she’s so emotional, because I feel like there’s this idea that female characters have to be emotionless in order to be “strong” or whatever so anyway yeah I love Piper

9. Emily Davis, Until Dawn - I have a knack for taking a liking to female characters that the majority of the fandom hates, and then loving them even more out of spite. Admittedly, a lot of my aggressive love for Emily is a reaction to the amount of (unfair, reeking of double standards and sexism) hatred she gets in the fandom, but even disregarding that, I do really like her. I started liking her very early on in Until Dawn. She seemed like she had a lot of personality and I liked that, and I only liked her more as the game went on. I mean… I literally have a post listing all of the reasons that I love Emily so that should tell you everything, right?

8. Amethyst, Steven Universe - I hesitated to put Amethyst on the list, since I’m not sure if she technically counts as “female”, but at the very least I think it’s fair to say that she’s female-coded and female-aligned so… I thought it would be okay? She would probably have been a lot higher up if not for the fact that I’ve lost a lot of my interest in SU, but I still love Amethyst a hell of a lot. I relate to her very strongly, for reasons that are not super comfortable to talk about. Much like Amethyst, I tend to bottle up everything and let it eat away at me until everything just explodes in the ugliest way. I think very little of myself, but I try my best to stay chill-passing because I’d rather die than tell anyone how I’m actually feeling. I don’t like going into detail about this but basically Amethyst is important to me because I relate to her in a lot of ugly and painful ways, and loving Amethyst is almost like learning to love myself. Almost.

7. Princess Bubblegum, Adventure Time - It’s funny that Adventure Time as a whole is one of those “I Definitely Like This But I’m Not Super Passionate About It” things, but there are like, four things in that show that I do feel Super Passionate about. Princess Bubblegum is one of them (the other three are Ice King, Marceline, and Bubbline, in case you were wondering). Gotdamn dude I love Princess Bubblegum and I think she doesn’t get nearly enough attention for being as interesting as she is. From the beginning I loved how she was simultaneously really sweet and morally ambiguous, that’s a really funny and intriguing dichotomy. I love that while she’s ultimately working for the Greater Good™, she’s really ruthless and vindictive. She has good intentions but she’s so very flawed, and she can be downright terrifying. Bubblegum is just endlessly fascinating to me and I really love her.

6. Cassie Cage, Mortal Kombat - Well obviously she had to be on this list, she’s where I got my url from. My love for Cassie Cage is less about who she is and more about what she represents to me, I think. Mortal Kombat isn’t exactly known for having great depictions of female characters but they did improve a lot in Mortal Kombat X, and I fell in love with Cassie partially because, to me, she embodied a lot of the positive changes. I loved that she was the heroine of MKX, I loved that she wasn’t overtly sexualized, I loved that she was funny and confident and just so damn cool, in that way that classic action heroes are cool. Chewing bubblegum and flipping people off and sassing everyone and just being exactly what comes to mind when you think “bad ass”. She was so different and so unexpected and I was so pleasantly surprised with Cassie Cage.

5. Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games - Katniss is one of the most important fictional characters ever written okay. This is a girl who grew up in extreme poverty, who took it upon herself to take care of her family at age 12, who was hardened because of her circumstances but still compassionate, and still so vulnerable. She suffered from severe PTSD, she was used as a pawn by the Capitol and by the rebels, she was manipulated and taken advantage of and she lost everything because of it. And in the end she still found a way to stand up and keep going. She didn’t magically get better but she made a life worth living for herself, even if she had to constantly remind herself of the good things in her life. I fucking love Katniss okay.

4. Jaehee Kang, Mystic Messenger - Yeah I kind of feel like trash for having a character from a god damn dating sim on here but tbh Mystic Messenger is so good it makes me angry (you are a dating sim what business do you have being that good fuck you) so I don’t feel too much like trash. Only a little bit like trash. Anyway, Jaehee. Holy god where do I even start. She is just so beautiful. That’s the first word that comes to mind, and I’m not even talking about her appearance (although yeah she’s definitely very attractive). It’s just her, man. She is so kind, so patient, so hard-working, so strong after everything she’s been through. I love that even though outwardly she’s more serious and formal than most of the other characters, there’s this underlying sweetness and quirkiness that shines through, like when she fangirls over Zen or when she says things like “benefits were effing amazing” when explaining to her boss why hosting fundraising parties is a good idea. I also love that as kind and polite as she is, she can and will mercilessly drag people she’s a fucking savage and I love her. I just love her so much. Jaehee is effing amazing.

3. Asami Sato, Legend of Korra - First of all, she’s canonically a bisexual woman in a relationship with another bisexual woman and that’s super important to me for representation. Second of all, even before Korrasami was made canon I really adored Asami. Because seriously, Asami is one of the kindest and most loyal characters in anything ever, she is such a good person through and through, even though there are so many things that have happened to her that sound like the sort of things that would motivate most characters to be villains. Her mother was murdered, her father was a terrorist who betrayed her and threatened to kill her friends, her boyfriend cheats on her, her closest friend and love interest leaves her for three years, her father fucking dies in front of her after they had just barely started to reconcile. Asami faces so much tragedy, if anyone has a right to be an asshole it would be her, yet she is still so unfailingly kind and brave and good. Also, for the record, she is probably the prettiest animated character I have ever seen in my life.

2. Agent Texas, Red vs Blue - Okay so. Red vs Blue has a lot of… issues with how it writes the few female characters it has, and I’m not going to act like Tex is this amazingly well written female character because she’s really not. But this isn’t my top 10 well-written female characters this is my top 10 favorite female characters, and whatever writing problems RvB may have, I really do love Tex. So much. It’s also a bit complicated to love Tex cause it’s like… which one lmao. I love Beta!Tex, who was tough and snarky and effortlessly bad ass, but also kind and compassionate and very, very chill. Like sure she could kick your ass and you know she could, but eh, she doesn’t really need to. The fact that you know she could is enough. And then there’s Epsilon!Tex, who was just angry, but who in many ways was the most important iteration of Tex to me. She was angry because ffs she was tired of not being her own person. She was tired of Church seeing her as His Girlfriend and not much else, she was tired of being Allison’s shadow, tired of her existence being all about other people, never about herself. Tex’s story is ultimately about a search for agency, to create an identity for herself separate from what other people want from her, and that’s always stuck with me.

1. Hermione Granger, Harry Potter - Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m putting her here because she is genuinely my favorite female character, or I’m putting her here because I can’t imagine putting anyone else here. Though I guess if I can’t imagine putting someone else here, that’s a sign that she is my favorite? Idk. I like Harry Potter less than I once did, less than I think a lot of people in my life realize, but being a Harry Potter Fan is such a big part of my identity to them that I don’t think they can see me any other way. But, even with my enthusiasm for HP these days being relatively low, I can’t deny that the series had a huge impact on me growing up and it definitely did a lot to shape the type of person I am, and it’s always going to be a bit special because of that. Hermione played a big part. She was one of the first female characters I can remember really admiring. I was nothing like her but I wanted to be, because she was smart and bad ass and complex and honestly do I even need to explain why Hermione is amazing? You all know. However I feel about HP now, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget the impact it had on me and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget Hermione.

[lgbtqfall2017]

I would like to start out by saying that the title of all this already feels extremely outdated. How many new “Weinsteins” have there been in the last week? The last month? It seems as though it’s never-ending; that every day there is a new news story I am waking up to and catching up on. I have had more than my fair share of feelings and emotions that have resurfaced for me during these times. As a survivor myself, I find it hard to read the testimonies and commentary made. I find it difficult to constantly wake up, get onto a news site and see another case of sexual assault on the front page.

Let’s get this cleared up here and now, I don’t think it’s hard to read because it’s my favorite celebrity, news anchor, or politician. I don’t think it’s hard because my favorite Netflix* show is being cancelled.

I could give a rat’s ass about all that. It’s hard because I know exactly what those victims are going through. I know the emotions that are pulsing through their veins as they finally speak out. I know the fear of being called a “liar” or “overdramatic” by those who don’t want to believe you. I know the feeling of denying you were assaulted for years and years, and I know the feeling of that weight being lifted off your shoulders after you’ve finally spoken out. I know what it’s like to constantly see your attacker and that huge mental toll it takes on you. And I know how it feels to get an empty apology that has no meaning behind it.

*Shout out to Netflix for removing Louis C.K., Spacey, and Masterson over sexual misconduct.

————

Frustrated

I guess reading all of these just makes me frustrated as fuck. Frustrated that it has taken so fucking long for this to hit the spotlight. Frustrated that I, like so many other survivors, am still so emotionally impacted with each and every story that surfaces. Frustrated that almost EVERY single person I know has a #MeToo hashtag somewhere in their tweets. Frustrated that people are trying to back up the assailants or rally behind them to defend their actions. Frustrated that many of these (public) assailants have already made their livings, and can live VERY comfortable lives (financially) after being publically called out. Frustrated that so many survivors are sitting here like I am, and are struggling to emotionally cope with these headlines every single day.

I think what frustrates me the most is that there are still so many assailants out there, going about their day-to-day activities with very little to no repercussions. Hell, my attacker is doing that as I type this. He’s running around town making money and living his “best life” and facing zero consequences for his actions. My friend’s attacker received no punishment, and is currently enjoying a full-ride scholarship at a school that is aware of his actions. It frustrates me that I know so many people who are in my shoes. Who are in my friend’s shoes. Who are in shoes that I can’t even contemplate.

————

POP QUIZ TIME!!

Assailants, please fill out this simple yes/no questionnaire provided to you below:

-Do you pat yourself when you slow down your vehicle to cat-call someone?

           Y  / N

-Does groping that girl in the bar after someone told you to stop the first time make you feel cool in front of your buddies?

           Y  / N

-Do you always call someone a slew of names when they politely decline your aggressive advances?

           Y  / N

-Do you blame the girl for your actions (ex: “her dress was too short”, “she was drunk”, etc.)?

           Y  / N

-Do you feel good about the time you masturbated in front of my friend in the bathroom and then followed him to the dance floor?

           Y  / N

-Does laughing after someone says, “do NOT touch me” make you feel superior?

           Y  / N

-Do you really think that an empty apology would make her forgive you?

           Y  / N

-Do you sexually harass all of your employees when it’s just you two in the office?

           Y  / N

-Is it a confidence booster for you to get dragged out of the bar for unzipping her shirt because “it wasn’t low enough”?

           Y  / N

-Do you honk every time you see an attractive person walking on the sidewalk?

           Y  / N

-Have you sexually harassed or sexually assaulted someone?

           Y  / N

———— LET’S SEE HOW YOU DID!!————

0= CONGRATS YOU’RE NOT A PIECE OF TRASH!

1-11= CONGRATS! YOU ARE A PIECE OF TRASH!

————

So just a little thought before I get into my next part of whatever this is. With all the news coming out against those who have committed sexual misconduct (FULL LIST), why are there still so many Americans who are not taking this as seriously as it should be taken? Why are y’all acting like this isn’t a HUGE FUCKING ISSUE? One would think that after 34+ men accused SINCE Weinstein, we would be looking at this a little more closely. Why are y’all still sweeping this intolerable behavior under the damn rug? These aren’t dust bunnies or crumbs from your pizza that you ate on the couch. These are cases of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT where the assailants are HUGE IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN MEDIA AND POLITICS. DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT THIS SHIT? Which leads me to my next segment: “Fuck You Americans Who Keep Sweeping Sexual Assault Under the Rug”.

————

Fuck You Americans Who Keep Sweeping Sexual Assault Under the Rug

A piece to all those who continue to act like sexual assault either a) doesn’t exist or b) continue to think that it is not a real issue.

I really don’t know how to kindly put this title. And I shouldn’t have to. Because you are part of the issue. One piece of this huge fucked up problem that isn’t being solved or even looked at like it should be.

For all of those still supporting Kevin Spacey: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Harvey Weinstein: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Dr. Luke: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Roy S. Moore: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Donald Trump: Extra fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Jeremy Piven: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Mario Batali: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Russell Simmons: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Ed Westwick: Fuck you.

Should I continue?

For all of those still supporting Louis C.K.: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting Andy Dick: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting George Takei: Fuck you.

For all of those still supporting R. Kelly: Fuck you.

Do you get the point now?

 I feel like I just have more questions than anything. I guess I just don’t understand it. I don’t understand how you can still support someone who has wronged so many people. Or how you can vote someone into the Oval Office after 20+ women come forward. Like I really just don’t get it. I don’t understand how you are about to vote someone into office after they were found in a hotel room with a minor? Or how most of the country didn’t bat an eye when DeVos reversed the Obama-era policy on campus sexual assault? I don’t understand how the country isn’t up in arms over this. There were policies that helped survivors and they were revoked. Survivors are already in a vulnerable position and now we are even more so.

Also, I have had my fair share of run-ins with people who flat out do not think sexual misconduct is an issue or is something that needs to be fixed. And THAT baffles me. How can you not think this is an issue when it is in the news LITERALLY every single day since Weinstein was publically called out?

————

Just a few facts on sexual violence (from HERE and HERE):

One in five women will be raped in their lifetimes

One in 71 men will be raped in their lifetimes

In eight out of 10 cases of rape, the victim knew he person who sexually assaulted them

More than 90% of sexual assault victims on college campuses do not report the assault

Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted

Every 8 minutes, that victim is a child

18,900 military personnel experienced unwanted sexual contact last year

Still think it should be swept under the rug?

It’s time for America to grow up and take this issue on head-first. It’s time for us to hold each other responsible. Regardless of if it’s a politician or your roommate. We have to stop pretending like this isn’t a huge problem in our society. We must hold those accountable.

————

With that being said, I do think this wave of headlines is a turning point. I truly believe that our (survivors) voices are being heard now more than ever. Hell, it’s hard to NOT hear our voices when news anchors are being pulled off-air and the president is under scrutiny for sexual assault. And you know what is hard to not notice? TIME Magazine’s Person Of the Year. Which is officially the Silence Breakers (read the article HERE). It’s time for our voices to be heard. And it is time for this shit to stop.

I leave you with TIME’s video dedicated to the Silence Breakers, to show that we are finally being heard after so many decades of being silenced.

[erosanova-blog]

Have you ever sat in a diner by yourself, eating your eggs over hard, your bacon crispy and your waffle covered with fruit and whipped cream? (Hold on let me finish.) Do you ever put your fucking phone down and listen for a second? Not to any conversation in particular, that would be morally reprehensible; no not eavesdropping. Just listening.

I laugh at people that sit on their phones when they’re sitting down for a meal, ESPECIALLY if they’re paying for it and ESPECIALLY if they’re with friends or family. The beauty of eating out is you don’t have to clean everything up and you can enjoy the pleasure of your company. Not check your fucking Instagram and post pictures of your damn eggs Benedict. Yeah we get it, we’ve all fucking seen it I don’t care if its some sort of wide-eyed variation, its the same shit. Put your phone down and eat your fucking meal. It’s atrocious and rude.

Anyways, back to my rant. Listen for a minute. The clatter of cutlery on china, the soft moans of ecstasy of a hungover group of friends enjoying their first cup of hazelnut coffee. Delight in the smells, even close your eyes for a minute.

Whatever you do, don’t quiver. Don’t let your lip start to tremble as you see the old man sitting by himself in a booth next to you and you think, “that’s me in sixty years.” Alot of people would kill for the lifestyle that I have, not that I’m a celebrity, but I feel appreciated by acquaintances, I love dancing and I don’t care what I look like doing it, and I generally tend to hang around some pretty amazing people and some fairly fetching females. Yeah. That’s an alliteration. Some people say that it’s weak to use in your writing but I say they can fuck right off and I’ll do what I want, this blog is for me not for them.

Back to the rant at hand, see how easily I get distracted? Anyways, lets return.

Sit there... muster a smile. Be polite and clean up your mess after your meal. Charming, witty conversation with the waitress or waiter, and always leave a big tip. Just don’t let your lip start to twitch or it won’t stop. You’ll think why you’re there by yourself in the first fucking place. Why you’ve poured your heart and soul into everything you’ve ever done, and in the end wearing your heart upon your sleeve is a terrible place to fucking wear it. You know how much you bump into shit over the course of the day? People are clumsy as fuck, and your extremities are the first to go.

You don’t even have to keep your eyes open. Often it helps accentuate the softer conversations and hold back the floodgates of your eyelids. Don’t let them see your smile droop when the acquiescent server leaves and you’re left alone with your thoughts once again. That is one thing most people never lose until the end, their inner monologues.

Try not to look at the happy couples holding hands, the pregnant wife and hubby, or even worse the single mom with the five fucking kids catapulting peanut butter towards the window as she pulls the remaining hair out of her nervously-chewed upper lip and wipes the boogers from the other’s nose while her ex-husband is off fucking some girl with single-digit I.Q. And it’s not her fault and it’s not his fault. Their ignorance is bliss. They can brush off the fact that she usurped a happy home and he threw vows into the trash like so many discarded prophylactics. After all, a contemporary American marriage is essentially a fucking tax write-off that you can liquidate at any given moment, for any given desire... real love is few and far between, it’s more like what people feel compelled to do or feel by society and then a general progression (through proximity or various chemical signals produced when a person feels affection towards another) to what people think is love. It’s not. It’s fucking not. If it was, this tattoo on my ribs that says forever would actually mean forever. It doesn’t. It mean’s I’ll remember it forever, an ephemeral phase of typically the end of a happy era, as I usually just received ink to equalize the inner pain with some outer pain. Did it work? I’m still here.

The lines are so blurry anymore... you have to wonder who is telling the truth and who is out to manipulate you.

Try not to look... try not to make eye contact. Just sit and enjoy the sounds of happy people, or just people in general. Disconnect from your Facebook and think of how it would be to live in someone else’s shoes that’s sitting across the room looking at you with the same haunting expression.

Don’t think about the fact that you woke up next to a woman you informed of your love every day, but that had stopped saying it after a short while. Try not to think about the fact that you have to let her go... because watching the sunrise alone, crying, but together, was too much for your 30th birthday. Try not to think about the fact that one day, even though you had to break it off because you wanted her to be happy but never stopped loving her... one day someone would come along and she wouldn’t want you coming around anymore. She wouldn’t respond to any of your messages. Seems like a dreary outlook doesn’t it? Let me ask you this, how many times do you touch a hot burner before you learn it really fucking hurts? 

But that’s what happens every time. You put yourself up against the impossible: someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, someone who buckles under the pressure, someone who doesn’t actually see you as that amazing “catch” that they claim you are (if you were such a fucking catch why weren’t you caught?) and wind all the way down into Self-deprecationville. Because it’s easier to blame yourself sometimes; it’s realistic. If they tell you its not you its them, its definitely you. You’re not right for them, they just want to break it to you softly so it feels like you’re winning, like you’re coming out on top of the haystack; well that’s just not the fucking case is it? In reality you’re losing everything. Everything your life consisted of from how you wake up in the morning to how you eat to how you picture someone’s face to push you through the day.

Many have pushed mine, but then fall back or I shove them off. I think my mind wants me to suffer. When I suffer I write like this, I workout like a superhero and I work on myself for once. So all these women that pass me by because I’m not muscular enough or tattooed enough or I don’t have enough pigment in my skin (or I have too much), because I’m not successful enough or whatever. But then when I get there, and I’m alone, is that happiness? Because at that point your success and wealth are as attractive to some people as your character, charm, personality or even looks. So you have to wonder, unless they started from the bottom with you, are they a schooling fish or just another remora suckering at your underbelly?

If I really meant that much,

you wouldn’t have walked away

If I really meant that much

you would've listened to what I had to say.

But no, not you, you just turned and walked out, like I didn’t even matter. If you really cared like you said you did and saw this going somewhere then a little hiccup wouldn’t deter you from the one who “treated you like a queen, “ “touched you like nobody ever has before,” makes not your day or week, but “makes your world.” You wouldn’t just leave if you think I treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

Maybe I didn’t arrange the flowers or the notes properly, maybe you didn’t get the message as intended... maybe you just weren’t the one. It hurts me so much to walk away from a force that was so attractive it took me from hanging out with several girls to effectively breaking it off with all of them (because I wanted to and because we were hanging out so much I didn’t have time, or didn’t want to make time for them to being all alone, with all of them potentially upset with me.

And you won’t even say more than a few words. None of them will. And at this point I don’t want to go to others and complain because it will chase them off too, even if they’re only friends. The point of the story is you can’t show people your vulnerabilities because then they don’t see you the same way. You’re suddenly weak and inferior if you complain. So just keep your mouth shut and your lip in line. You’re a man, act like one. Don’t snivel in your bed after three hours of sleep because you just realized that you have a hard time tolerating people for long periods of time because sooner or later you discover how truly ugly they are on the inside, despite their exterior appearance.

Just keep to yourself and write. Write away the pain. Write because the keys will listen even if the audience isn’t there. Write because thinking too much is what gets you into all those messes in the first place... and if you could just sequester them somehow and push them into some far region only accessible by a donkey and an AR-15. Lock it away. If they really cared as much as they said they did, they would read ever page in your book before just discounting it as a failed endeavor and moving on. But chances are, and I hate to be gloomy here but, chances are... they won’t come back. They were never yours. Accept it.

You’ve fought for your love before, either verbally or by taking action (usually a romantic notion). Why fight? How much are they fighting? Do they really want to fucking be with you? If you like someone, you like them for who they are at that point in time... planning a future is silly because everyone changes-- society demands it. So, instead of starting some big stupid fucking argument about wanting a little more that just a fwb or similar arrangement... write a little. Let your thoughts cycle through before you throw it all away.

Some words cannot be taken back, and some feelings cannot be retrieved. This goes out to all the girls that I gave pieces of my heart to, that walked out the door carrying it in a little glass case with their future husbands. I guess... I’m sorry I wasn’t what you’re looking for. I hope at least one of us is happy, and since I always (generally) put others before myself, it might as well be you.

What’s fucked is I’m not necessarily talking about one girl. Although the majority of this post is directed at a girl I was just recently involved with, alot of my relationships have ended this way. Me wondering what if...

What if I didn’t bring it up?

What if I didn’t give you those flowers?

What if I didn’t spoil you rotten?

Would it have changed anything? If this concept of “True love” exists, wouldn’t at least one of them have actively fought instead of just non-nonchalantly rearranging their lives to function without you in them.

And the worst part is... all you can do is walk away, be polite and thank them for the memories. And, if history repeats itself, you know that this will most likely be the last time you really even interact, and soon they will just fade away into another tattoo. Sweet dreams world.