#but I was able to avoid it until now
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#helllloooo alll. I thought it'd be perfect to come back today#today is my bdayyy yaaay. ✨#its one of those melancholic ones#when u ponder your existence#but its okay#watched ai no wakusei since it was made in 2004 like me 😔💔#btw#i hope ill be able to ne more active here again#ive just been really busy w school n life and my mental health went 20000 steps down so yes. i hope itll just get better#this bday is always bittersweet#well since its the 19th#itll always be#honestly ive been avoiding subrosa even until now cuz my mental health is so shit i cant even imagine how subrosa will make me feel. but im#on it. i honestly miss all of u guys so much. ye probably not many of u care but still#i like this place. it feels somewhat like home. even tho i still feel out of place sometimes its still comforting being here. whatever lol#havent yapped in a while so im vomiting words. love you all. im hoping the depressive episode will leave my ass finally.#u know its bad when u havent watched bt lives since around mid november#but its okay ai no wakusei somewhat healed me. so im hoping for the best now (says this every month and ends up worse)#yeah.#🥰#buck tick#atsushi sakurai#ameoto ha Chopin no Shirabe#even if i cant come back yet im thinking abt all of u n love u. take care of yourselves and yes. do stuff you love. smell roses. look at th#moon that's been soooo beautiful lately 🥺 love#Spotify
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So I'm finally reading book 7 and... is it just me, or is Malleus's overblot form kinda hot?
#twisted wonderland#malleus draconia#ner talks#I do wish I would've been able to avoid seeing it until now (or even until the book actually came out on en)#but still actually seeing it in context and properly looking at it#(instead of scrolling past asap)#damn#sucks for all the not so great consequences of the situation because I'm loving the look
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Ter stop talking over and making decisions for Dee challenge 2k24. Y'all ain't even friends at this point you're just the annoying coworker go away
#wandee goodday#wandee goodday the series#wandee goodday series#listen listen listen#i am glad that ter is starting to realize things about himself#i'm glad he's starting to embrace his feelings#howmstever he needs to do that in a way where he is able to give up some control#he cannot control dee's actions or responses#he needs to communicate with dee not make decisions for him#ter and dee do not mesh because dee is super competitive about silly little things#and he doesn't like being told what to do. he likes gentle nudging and he also likes his boundaries#yak still hasn't kissed him despite both of them knowing how bad yak wants to#ter extended their japan trip without talking to dee and then tried to kiss him not even knowing how dee feels about being kissed#dee hasn't had a chance to explain#and even before he had a chance to explain with yak#yak wasn't kissing him. yak was operating strictly off of body language and managed to not kiss dee#then he asked about it in a non-judgemental way and dee felt comfortable enough to tell him#and yak said got it boss. you know i want to kiss you but this is a boundary that we will not cross#until we are ready and willing to cross it together#yes yak has pushed a bit because he wants it but he always goes slow enough and gives dee enough space to back out before they kiss#which dee does#and he will back out until he doesn't#but that's the difference between ter and yak#dee was closed in and didn't have a lot of options to avoid the kiss if it hadn't been interrupted#i don't doubt dee would have managed to avoid it but ter blocked off a lot of opportunities to leave#yak leaves space for dee to leave if he wants to#ter is controlling and yak is freeing#and that is why dee was able to fall for yak after 8 years of pining for ter#he is free from the feelings that were controlling him#and now he can move on and be happy with someone who truly understands him
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…a labyrinthine series of lines, criss-crossing each other in all sort of ways. These covered the paper so thickly that only with difficulty could one make out the white spaces in between. "Read it," said the Officer. [...] Then the Officer began to spell out the inscription and then read out once again the joined up letters. "Be just!' it states," he said. "Now you can read it." […] "'Be just!' it says," the Officer remarked once again.
In The Penal Colony, Franz Kafka; transl. Ian Johnston [x]
pawn / tool /puppet / cog BE JUST another gear / in the / Harrowing machine
This was originally intended to be (bc I am very normal about all the very normal things I like) a piece of Kafka-referential fanart of Amanda Young, from Saw, with my rendition of the Officer’s design from the execution machine carved into her corpse… didn’t go that far with it, obviously, because I can’t draw for shit. If you’ve never gotten a chance to read it or not read it in a long time, this is your call to arms to read In The Penal Colony. It’s VERY short, albeit somewhat disturbing— the pdf I linked to with the quote is the whole thing, which is 19 pages long as formatted there— but it’s one of those things that lives in your brain afterwards.
It centers around a large, incredibly elaborate and complex machine used for tortuous executions, and the legacy of the now-dead man who designed, built, and used it. I’ve sort of always been fascinated by the idea of trying to create the illegibly elaborate designs it’s described as using— this one contains more than the central, aforementioned words, of course— highlighted under the cut.
#weird tangential items being made out here#fucked up sentence of the day I’ve always sort of wanted to make a design for the sentences bc it uhhhhh reminds me of uh my dad#hadn’t really thought about how disturbing that sounds until now but it’s fine#kafka#I’d love to be able to tag this so as to find it later bc I have another concept for this design I’d also like to try to make but#PLEASE talk to me about Kafka and also Saw. I have messaging back finally and I’m screaming into the void#also I have not said this but I adore adam obvs I’m just. velvetgoldminecristianbalepointingdotgif mandy…….#I put this in my drafts two weeks ago and now I’m posting it at 1am. I have to be up for work in THREE AND A HALF HOURS. hell world.#BUT the group PTSD therapist they comped at the office told me to AVOID AVOIDANCE and I consider this therapeutic 😌
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#i kind of think like ocd is not my biggest issue. im sad as fuckkkk and then there's this weird irrelevant thing going on that means i gotta#like blink weird and read weird and not step on sidewalk cracks etc etc etc but that's not my main issue and can be put off until a later#date#but it is SO exhausting to do the same thing over and over and over again and i think that's one of the things that makes the future seem so#so bleak#not being able to read or write normally is such a big one. like what do i do with that. it's exhausting to always have to conclude on#certain letters or avoid reading or writing certain words -- like picking up a book is starting a marathon#and it's the same for everything (walking down the street. being in class. being online.) and i think it's a testiment to how shitty my life#is right now that this DOESNT seem like the most urgent thing to deal with because it still takes up so much of my time and is so#demoralizing and exhausting#ugh. i want this semester to be done#i want to lock myself in a room where there's nothing to trigger any it#*any of these cycles and i can just sleep#aghhhhhhhhhhhh
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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ill have to look at the thing again but it's frustrating that i finished the episode and didn't quite understand what happened.
#arcane#ill watch it again when im ready obvs but rigth now#the alternate timelines and timeloops have me confused#like older viktor jesus where did he come from is he a different iteration of viktor that stayed hexxed but not machined heralded#when did whatever iteration of him decide to give every iteration of little jayce a rune when did he have the time to do that#im sorry im thtoopid i don't get ittt#i only understand why they didn't blow up cause i saw someone else explain it#ok im thinking about it now this is what im understanding:#wasn't that encounter what fascinated Jacy into wanting to create magic doesn't it mean that the whole machining#would precisely be avoided if that never happened so what is the point of creating that first meeting#(but if hes machine herald wouldn't he be unable to feel it? does he Not become machine heral in those? but jayce's machined corpse#is still on the roof so?? How does normal looking arcane mage viktor happen where does he come from how does he know what to do)#viktor in every timeline where he wins and fuckall years later hes liek ''hmmm don't like that''#so he goes back in time wiht his arcane powers and just gives different runes to jayce to see if something works?#he's known him for years so he kows this is a timeloop so eh only changes that every single rune and sees what happens??#until he gets to the acceleration rune that ekko uses to fuck up time and gives jayce enough time to be liek yo baby don't do this ur perfe#and jayce hugs him and victor is able to see what the world n his life is like in all those other timelines and hes like damn that sucks#and something something about them activating the acceleration + ekko¡s inversion of the rune of his device does some sciency thing#and they shoomp hand in unedited hand out of existence sacrificing themselves so that everything doesnt go boom#still though if jayce Had died in the snow wouldn't all this have been avoided#like sorry honey boo but also deos this mean that viktor is like yeah no im saving him anyway#or does it mean that it being a timeloop it just HAS to happen or the universe blows up or soemthing¿¿¿
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calling ur mom to come stay w you so u don’t ruin ur life is so funny when she used to be the reason ur life was in ruins
#we’ve come a long way#mostly me she still needs therapy desperately#but I’m not gonna talk shit rn I’m super grateful that she’s able to be here with me rn#i was feeling so unsafe#started having really bad Ideas in the way where i might actually Act On Them#luckily I’m SMART and just kept myself xanned out till i could ask for help#catastrophe avoided B) for now B) none of the situations are actually resolved#but it feels safer having someone with me#it was getting so physical eurghfhhfesdgg i hate when i shake and chatter and vomit from anxiety it’s so annoying#anyway here i am ranting on tumblr cos i deactivated my real social media cos i freaked tf out#i just want to go to the woods for awhile and get a new phone number and never speak to anyone i know again#except for like… 4 or 5 ppl……. and their respective pets#guess I’ll settle for avoiding situations until I’m a little more stable#and then the hard work 😭😭😭😭#……or I’ll move cities fr and change my number and never speak to anyone again. who knows!#my post
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Im turning Demon Slayers into Pokemon & you can’t stop me >:)
I don’t even have that many characters 100% figured out. But why should that stop me? I’m excited about this mini au
Anyway here are my thought so far. Some of them I’m still debating, so I’m open to ideas <3
*=unsure/subject to change
Hashira:
Giyuu: Primarina
Shinobu: Ribombee
Mitsuri: Tinkaton
Sanemi: Zangoose*
Gyomei: Garchomp/Golurk (leaning towards Golurk)
I’ve got so many ideas for Muichiro smh
Like,,Dewott bc water & personally I love Dewott so I’m biased. But also shiny psyduck (it’s blue + head troubles + powerful if its headache is bad enough (at least in the anime). Spinda is kinda a crack idea, but it’s worth mentioning.
Obanai: Seviper
Tengen: Milotic/Golisopod (leaning towards Milotic)
Kyojuro: Arcanine/Infernape (leaning towards Arcanine)
Kamaboko Squad:
Tanjiro & Nezuko: Zorua
Zenitsu: Pichu
Inosuke: Riolu*
Kanao: Eevee (later Leafeon)*
Senjuro: Growlithe/Chimchar (depends on Kyojuro)
Genya: Zangoose*
#if they’re not listed I probably don’t have any ideas for them </3#I really like Golisopod#I’ve never even used one but I think it’s cool#its giving Tengen for some reason??#kny#demon slayer#coconut octo (mod talking)#hesitant to call it an au#I don’t have much planned for it right now? just wanna put it out there lol#but then again things may change idk#I mean Sabibun started off as a one-off silly doodle but now it’s a full blown au#if Shinobu is Ribombee then so is Kanae but cushxk idk if that’s the best fit?#ofc it’s good for Shinobu but Kanae? hmmmmm#idk I’ll need another look thru the Pokédex#I scroll thru the Pokédex until I think ‘oh that one is soo giyuu like omg <3’#trying to avoid overlap with Vinlynce’s pmd au#but there’s 1000+ pokemon so I’ve got plenty of options#I want preferably a water or ice type for Muichiro but normal works too#why am I getting the urge to make Inosuke cubone fshsic#okay if Obanai is Seviper & Sanemi is Zangoose…maybe they’ll be like an odd pair that was able to put their beef aside & bond#Pokémon#PokeSlayers
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maybe i should just put proship in my bio already
#read this in the most exhausted tone you can imagine.#a tone that says 'yes. fine. if we're going to be forced to label ourselves now i align with this. but this false dichotomy shit is stupid.#mostly just want people to stop following me when they've got 'proship dni' somewhere on their bio#because what the fuck does that mean. look me in the eyes right now. how the fuck. am i supposed to know.#what each and every person's individual definition of proship is. how am i supposed to know where you draw#your arbitrary line of what is and is not okay to write about.#i cannot read your mind. i don't know you. get off of my page until you can clearly communicate your boundaries.#and at that point hopefully you'll also be able to think critically about shit enough to realize that anti/pro shit is nonsense.#i write noncon because i think its hot. i will also tag that shit so that it can be avoided. that is the agreement out here.#gosh sorry. that was so overly aggressive. im very frustrated.#ive been in this fandom a long time i am. very very tired. i just want to write my samifer in peace. make some angels kiss each other.
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Even after all these years, and Noel being one of my favorite characters in Final Fantasy period, part of me still wishes they had ended it at 13-2 and committed to the idea that changing the timeline would cause Noel to disappear. Because even if the future changed to one where he still existed, he wouldn’t be the same person and our Noel would then cease to exist as a consequence.
#also I really wish they didn't pull the whole 'oh btw serah you're also a seeress like yeul' thing I never really cared for that personally#but yeah they bring up noel forgetting things about his time and just things he should know because of the changes to the timeline-#-like twice and that's about it from what I recall it's been a little while since I actually played the game but I think about this a lot#now given the way the game a c t u a l l y ends it makes sense that nothing really comes of that plotline but it's annoying aksksksk#not that I want noel to go away I in fact qould not be able to handle that the last thing I need emotionally is a repeat of ffx in that way#but at the same time I still really wish that's how it went you know what I mean?#i think it would've been really good#also we could've avoided lightning returns...... I really didn't care for that game it's literally the only ff I don’t like#and even then there is stuff in it that I love but overall I just..... eh.....#I'll still sit here and chamption 13 and 13-2 until the day I die though just you watch#abby's insomnia thoughts#final fantasy#final fantasy xiii 2#noel kreiss
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I thought i had friends but turns out they have a group chat without me and when i found out i asked one of them if they could add me but its been over a week and i havent heard about it again
#i mean i understand why they have it#i guess it evolved from the group they made when they started going out which i consciously avoided#but idk it feels weird that now that they use it for other things too they didnt add me#and that when i saw it i was like oh i dont think im there! and the one i was talking about was like oh thats true do you want to be added?#and idk its not the first time it happened either#when they made a group chat with the guys they also didnt include me and i thought it was also bc it was for going out#(which it was)#but turns out a couple guys who also never or almost never go out were actually there so idk#not feeling great about my uni friends these days#at least im on pretty good terms with most of the class so i dont think it will be very hard to change groups?#like permanently i dont think ill be able to until next year starts (yay anxiety)#but i still spend like most breaks etc with other ppl bc at this point idk i dont trust my friends a lot....#also doesnt help that my 2 closest friends barely come anymore😔#mine#uni#rant
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after realizing his feelings towards ken are romantic+sexual the first thing farfarello would do is consider the pros and cons of committing murder-suicide so he wouldn't have to deal with all that
#text#ken x farfarello#kenfarello#he would be thinking about killing Ken nonstop for days. but he wouldn't be able to bring himself to actually do it#at whatever point he's able to realize what the nature of his feelings are. ITS TOO LATEEE#hes grown too attached and can't put an end to things with something as permanent as death#and so He will have to deal with All That.#i think he would be kinda pissed about experiencing romantic feelings. i also think it would be his first time with it too.#romance isn't something hes had interest in until this point. been too busy focusing on his hobbies (murder and blasphemy)#+not like hes had much people experience. closest thing hes getting to interacting with ppl outside of schwarz is when hes killing them.#so theres been no previous opportunity for romance......... until ep 18#which is where i think the kenfarello mutual obsession should begin at☝️#so this is completely new territory for him and along with being pissed theres also a lot of apprehension#because he doesnt know how hes supposed to deal with those kind of feelings#at one point he considers just killing himself to avoid having to deal with it#which is when Schuldig asks Crawford if they should bring out the straightjacket#<ok im gonna go to sleep now i think
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#; ♡ ; okay to reblog#muu has admittedly been describing is self perceived melancholy and isolation regarding it#as being comparable to the circle drawn around Sadness in Inside Out due to others finding his emotions to be Too Much in capacity#and that as such he has thus been persistently trying to make himself very very small in spaces#so that maybe perhaps someone would soon be able to reside in the circle with him just until he gets to where he feels he is supposed to be#muu has also stated on numerous actions that while he is adamant about self healing he is not necessarily of preference#to not have the assistance of peers and their feedback and he tends he show it most predominantly in asking them to hear Everything#about himself in the form of the big box because one he wants assurances at the end of it all but also because he Has to be explaining#his processes of thought and general state of where he is now to people so that they may go Oh so that why you do the neurotic shit you do#but it really be hard out here when you don't know how to self advocate for a persistently emotionally present romantic partner#you don't really have any friends and you are either God awful at making new ones or you don't want to try for reasons of either#feeling scorned past close friends of yours have left time and time again OR#because you don't know what version of yourself is the Real one or the Good one or the Authentic one so you avoid socializing#until you can properly answer that dilemma but in turn you've left yourself with 1 person to seek out and talk to#but with that comes the existential dread of either a this person is also going to leave me or#b I am in fact so totally codependent on them that it isn't fair to be my sole research for assistance that I ought to fend for myself#but what do you even do to fend for yourself when you don't even know how to Advocate for yourself??#you devise a plan to shrink down and provide no indication to those around you that you are struggling with anything#that perhaps shriveling yourself down like that will allow for people to find you tolerable enough to be around#and that their presences will patch up every interpersonal wound in your system until eventually what you are faking has come true#; ♡ ; inner thoughts
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praying i'd be like you (doing all of the things that you do) | M | 7k
Max was so very young and Carlos knew exactly what he was going through. And what he was going to go through over the next couple of years. He recognised all of it and he felt completely helpless to it, like watching a house slowly catch on fire. Because for most problems he himself was still trying to find a solution.
All he could do was watch.
read on ao3
#welll hello hello guess who poster her versainz master thesis fic#its so bad which is why this is being posted at midnight#hopefully i avoid all my moots who are acc good writers#in my head this fic was 100k and super well developed and just better. but sometimes ur brain gives up on you#one day ill be able to write a long SERIOUS fic#until then u will only get long fics from me when theyre absolute CRACK#but ill shut up now!!!!#my fics#mv1#cs55
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speaking of terraria ive spent the last few days grinding my way through it for the first time in i think like over two years and i forgot. so much but also im doing SO much better than before
#i put it in expert mode too and ive only ever done normal previously so its. wild ive gotten as far as i have as fast as i have#im already in hardmode#AND IM ON CONSOLE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THESE CONTROLS SUCK ASS ON CONSOLE#it was hard enough on pc but now it's just silly#on pc i was a yoyo main but thats basically impossible on console so now im sword as fuck#nights edge my beloved 💖#or for some bosses im ranged and just. pray i can sort of aim good lmao#some shining day ill get a good gun and chlorophyte bullets and then wont have to think about it at all#but as is theres abt a 0% chance of me beating the mechs so we're back to grinding for now#plus i got harpy wings literally like an hour into hardmode so uhhhhh pretty fuckin good!!#i have gotten. so much better at dodging the wyverns than i ever was before#i think before i just avoided them until i was powerful enough to immediately kill them but this time i was like.#give me your fucking souls of flight right now i need wings NOW#and the harpies were the easiest thing for me to grind#its a 1/200 chance to drop�� i think mine took like 350 to drop but thats still not bad#i just slapped down a space platform with a blue candle and called it a day#the fully surrounding damage from nights edge is so fuckin crucial though dude ive gotten swords that are technically higher damage already#but they just Cannot Compete with me being able to just. Not Let Things Touch Me At All#also the harpy wings are . ridiculously good for how early you can get them provided youre willing to grind a little?#i think every other time ive just gone through the ranks of em the way youre supposed to w like#and angel/demon ones and working my way up? but i was just like. hold on harpies are here all the time i could just. zool#zoop*
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