#but I wanted to re-do it with better color grading lol

[httpknjoon]

(re)starting over again | kth; 12

plot | Your four-year relationship with Taehyung was going well and strong. Until he was involved in a car accident, resulting to him losing some memories. By some, it means everything that happened five years ago. Things he remember? His friends, his bakeshop, and his ex girlfriend from the past. With that, you tried to keep up, restarting over again.

words | 5.3k

genres | fluff, angst, amnesia au

pairing | taehyung x reader

warning/s | mentions of death, drinking, disease (cancer)

note | surpisingly, i am still alive lol i'm kidding. i apologize for the delay! the bad headaches are now gone and the fever has cooled down. and now, the update's here! to everyone who sent their messages, tysm I appreciate it 🥺 I didn't mean to ghost y'all, I'm so sorry! anw hope u enjoy reading this one :)

main masterlist | series masterlist

Ever since you were young, you liked things to go the way you planned it. When you were younger, you carried a small notebook with you. Your father gave you your first one during the holidays when you were seven. In there, you make your own little bullet journal, listing off the things you would want to do for the upcoming days. With your messy handwriting, you even wrote your far future plans.

As a child, you used to see things with your rose-colored glasses. Everything seemed real and attainable for your small hands. You thought you just had to follow the usual path of your plans and you would be fine. But things do not always go according to plan. You learned it the hard way.

You always dreamt of being a nurse. At age eight, you were a frequent visitor to the hospital. Not because you were sick yourself, but because you and your mom had to go back there from time to time with your dad who was receiving treatment for his disease. You wanted to take care of him. So you did what a little girl could do, listen to your dad’s heartbeat through your plastic toy stethoscope and kiss his pain away. He would always call you his favorite nurse and you would give him your toothy grin. After a year, when you were nine, he lost his battle with cancer. 

Confused and in sorrow, you almost crossed out that dream from your list. You had a hard time understanding why you had to lose your dad at such an early age. Your friends had dads, how come you lost yours before you could even reach middle school? Then, you became angry. Your father was always in treatment in the hospital. Hospitals are meant to cure people, right? Your little kid brain thought. It felt unfair to you.

But then, you and your mom later left the small neighborhood you were living in and moved in with your aunt– her older sister. Aunty Belle is a nurse herself, a surprise for you as you didn’t know you have a relative who works in the same place you loathed at that time. But you couldn’t bring yourself to hate her, she was warm and welcoming when you arrived in her humble abode in Incheon. She doesn’t have a family of her own so she took good care of you and your mom. She became your third parent while your mom deals with the grief of losing her husband.

“It’s fun. You get to meet wonderful people every day and help them to feel better.” your aunt replied once when you asked her about her job.

Aunty Belle never got tired of your questions and curiosity about nursing. Slowly, you began rebuilding your plans. The dream of being a nurse is back, added with your other dreams: making your mom happy, and living independently (like your aunt). You studied hard, aiming for higher grades and going to the best college for your dreams.

But at age fifteen, Aunty Belle became your legal guardian when your mom passed. Through your aunt, you learned that your mother has been struggling heavier than you expected. Your aunt was extremely worried for your mom that’s why she begged her to come and live with her. You always thought your mom was getting better with how she cried less day by day and even took a job as a receptionist in a dental clinic. 

Since then, you have become more understanding and emotionally sensitive to everyone. The feelings you had years ago when you lost your dad were creeping around you. This time, instead of being angry at something else, you felt like this one was on you. You blamed yourself for not seeing the signs from your mother’s eyes. How she became more reserved or how her eyes were often blank whenever she tried to smile for you. Maybe you were too focused on reaching your plans that you didn’t give any attention to her. You were angry, hurt, and in guilt. It’s too overwhelming and is heavy in your heart. It reached the point where you broke down during breakfast, in front of the toast and bacon Aunty Belle prepared for you, weeks after your mom’s funeral.

“I should’ve seen it. I should have seen that she was not okay.” you sniffed as you looked down your plate. “I was supposed to make her feel better and happy.”

Crying, you pushed your plate in front of you and just covered your face with your palms. You repeated the words over and over again like you were reminding yourself how you failed as your mom’s only child.

“Oh, sweetie…” your aunt whispered before sitting beside you and enveloping you in a hug. Her hand moved up and down your arms, making you feel warm. “It’s not your fault. You are the best daughter she could ask for. She loves you more than anything else.”

After that morning, Aunty Belle made sure to get you the best help. She guided you in everything she could and supported you with your choices. She made sure that you will still pursue your plans, never stopping you from doing what you want. Years later, you graduated from high school and were about to embark on a new journey.

“You know that you can just have this place,” she mumbled when you were packing your things. “I’m selling it anyway.”

“But Aunty, this isn’t in my plan. You know how bad I want to live in Seoul.” you smiled at her.

Because of your efforts and hard work, you got accepted into one of the best universities in another city. You later moved from Incheon to Seoul to finish your studies and become a nurse there. While Aunty Belle sold her home and followed her own plans of living with her longtime best friends under one roof.

But none of what happened in the last few years was part of your plans when you were younger. You didn’t really see yourself coming back to Incheon after living in Seoul for the longest time. You never thought you would leave your job in the hospital you dreamed of and work in a slightly different environment.

Two years ago, you left home. The house you had plans in with someone else. You were the one who broke off those plans and moved away without really telling anyone. You remembered that night like it was yesterday.

Every step you took away from him felt like a piece of you fell on the ground. Your vision was all blurry and you had to cover your lips as you sobbed. You clutched onto your gown while you remind yourself that you need to do this. For the sake of your own being. But still, there is this voice telling you to stay– to turn around and come back to him.

“YN, honey,” 

Looking up, you see Julia looking at you with sympathy. She walked towards you with open arms and you immediately just broke down on her dress. Listening to your sobs, Julia eyes her date, whom you didn’t notice was there waiting too, to get in the car. 

Your whispered voice muffled in the hug, “I hate this so much,”

The whole drive home, Julia and Chanyeol respected your silence in the backseat. They put on some radio music and chatted about the wedding while your teary eyes just looked outside the window. They were like your parents that night. When you guys passed by McDonald’s, it took one nudge from Julia to make Chanyeol turn the car back around for the drive-thru. She ordered your food for you in a separate bag so you could have something to eat when you reached home. When you arrived in front of your house, they helped you with your small bag. 

“Thank you so much, guys. I’m sorry this is our first meeting, Chanyeol.” you tried to lighten the mood as you three stood on the porch.

He smiled, “It’s fine. Everyone has their bad day.”

You chuckled before Julia nudged her again with her elbow. Then, she turns to you.

“What time are you leaving tomorrow?”

“Probably early morning. I already have the keys to keep my apartment so I can go there now too if I want to.” your words rambled as your head felt like a mess.

“Okay, call me. I’ll pick you up–” Before you can say anything, she lifts her finger. “And no, I won’t take no for an answer. I wanna see your new place.”

They left after Julia made sure you were fine. Walking into your house for the last time, you tried to go straight to your room to change from your gown to your pajamas. Then, you cried again. And again. And again. 

The last time you woke up in that house was the morning after that. You woke up before dawn. The sky was barely lit and the moon was still present above you. You promised yourself that you would leave like a ghost. Like what you have been doing the last few days. Cleaning up, your hand ran on your bedsheets to smoothen out the wrinkles. Fortunately, almost ninety percent of your clothes fit in two pieces of luggage. You just have to leave a few things that you’ll probably get when you get back.

From Julia

Will be there in five

Five minutes left, you find yourself sitting in front of your vanity mirror. Making one last check, you pulled the small drawers in the table. That’s when you saw that old pearl ring Taehyung bought you in the flea market. A heavy sigh from your chest makes its way out of your lips. Holding it between your thumb and index finger, you stare at it.

We tried, didn’t we?

Before any tears can fall, you simply close your eyes. Your chest heaves. You clutched that ring in your palm for some minute, like you were giving your one last goodbye. Then, you carefully place it next to your keys. You decided to leave your keys as you don’t want to come and go here in secret as you always have the tendency to do that especially if you want to avoid a person. Like you were doing now. You want to come back here better and hopefully, talk to Taehyung in the future.

Feel at home, this house is yours too. Paint the walls with the colors you like, buy new furniture, and fill the frames with new memories. Just please don’t sell it. I’ll try to reach out as soon as I can. For now, live the last years you missed.

You wrote on a piece of paper that you left on the same table. In the weeks you two lived together after the accident, you knew how he struggled to adjust to this house. Now that you’re going, you wish for him to feel comfortable in this house you two shared and called home. The pieces of furniture and shade of blue that took over every wall in the house were picked by both you and Taehyung when you bought it. The frame kept every memory you and Taehyung love to look back on in the span of your four-year relationship. But if it means for him to feel at home, you won’t mind if he wants to change things around the house. Even though it will probably break your heart harder than it is now.

“You…”

It was only your first morning, the second day in your new apartment in Incheon when someone came knocking on your door. You were still organizing your place and unpacking when you heard continuous heavy knocks. Almost instantly, your eyes widened when you saw who it was through your door’s peephole. The person spoke again as soon as you opened your door.

“You moved?!” Jisoo immediately pushed through your door and welcomed herself in. “You moved here?!”

Based on the tone of her voice, she was more angry than surprised. Her eyebrows were scrunched together while her nose flared. Her hands were on her hips like she was waiting for an explanation. Your lips opened for a second before it closed again. You softly scratched your cheek before opening your lips again,

“I-I thought you were on your honeymoon vacation.”

She tilts her head, “Well, I’m not. Am I?”

“Why are you here?” you mumbled, sounding scared at her.

The thing is, Jisoo rarely gets angry or annoyed. You had known her ever since you began working as a nurse and you learned she have the longest patience for everyone else. But when she runs out of it, you don’t know how she will react.

“Why are you here?” she returned your question with raised eyebrows. “You did not tell me you were moving here or resigning in the hospital! What happened?”

You closed the door and quietly walked back to your messy living room since you knew she would follow. She did and continued,

“I saw the shift schedule like two hours ago and you’re not there. I had to ask Gail and she said you resigned. You were not answering my calls or messages! I had to call Julia. Then, she told me you moved here– What the fuck happened? I was only busy for like two weeks and next thing I know, my best friend’s in another city and hospital.”

You sat on your grey couch while Jisoo still stood in front of you. You looked away as your replied,

“Well, actually I’ll be working in a school–”

Jisoo’s tone went higher, “What?!”

“I applied as a school nurse–”

“No, no, no.” she shushed you. “Tell me everything that happened. Everything.”

So you did. But first, you asked her to sit down next to you. You ordered food by app as you don’t really have any stock of food at the moment. While you were waiting for the food, you began telling her about what happened. From how you met Lily to how you happened to be where you are right now. Jisoo listened intently. As you went on, you noticed her shoulders and facial expression softened up. From her jaw being clenched tight, her lips were formed into a slight frown. You tried not to cry throughout the whole story-telling impromptu but your voice did shake and you just felt your best friend’s warm hands somewhere in the middle of your story. At the end, you find yourself leaning your head on her shoulder while she leans hers on top.

“I and Joon just decided to go on honeymoon next month. Plus, I have a toaster and an air fryer in my car.” Jisoo broke the comfortable silence you two shared with a random sentence.

You lifted your head, looking at her, “What? Why?”

“We received like a ton of it from the wedding. We had to give some stuff away rather than selling it and I just knew your place is probably still empty. So I just bought some. I have plates too.” she smiled.

“But what if I was the one who gave you that toaster?” you asked, squinting your eyes.

“You did not.” she chuckled but your expression didn’t change. She blinked and asked with a feeble voice, “You did not, right?”

Your lips broke into a smile, “Yeah, we didn’t.”

She pouted before you two laughed and hugged. Just like that, you and Jisoo are okay.

Unlike any of your past decisions, nothing was truly planned when you decided to move away. Aunty Belle, whom you visit every now and then, comforted you about it and said that life just happens like that sometimes. And that’s how your two years went. Unplanned. You just applied for the first good job you saw, which happened to be being a school nurse in a preschool. You moved to another apartment after just a few months since your initial place is farther on the subway you always take to get to the school every morning.

Working with kids, you always miss your patients back in Seoul. Particularly, Naeun, whom you are still in contact with. You visit her a couple of times when you go to Seoul.

And there were times when you thought you saw Taehyung. Not just in Seoul, but also in Incheon. The first one was just months after you left, you were on your way to preschool when you saw him in the subway. But you thought it was just a look-alike and impossible since he would not have any reason to come here. Plus, you were feeling a little down that week as it was supposedly your fifth anniversary. The next time is when you come to Seoul to visit Naeun. It was a busy Sunday and you stopped by a toy store in the mall to get a gift for your favorite patient. It was a bit crowded since it was on sale. So you lost him in the blink of an eye.

The most recent one is when you came to Seoul for Julia’s birthday. You had a few drinks with your friends and everything was already slightly blurry. But you swore you saw him when you were waiting for your Uber late at night. You were with Julia, who was waiting with you just to make sure you’d be safe. She was talking about something but your eyes caught a man walking on the other side of the road with his head down on his phone. The small light coming from his screen made you recognize him. It’s him, you’re sure.

Although you have visited the city a couple of times already, you never drop by the bakeshop or the house. You never even contacted Taehyung. There were times it crossed your mind. But you never did. You miss him. God knows, how much. But you don’t know what to say about the house, him, you, or the relationship you two had.

You and Jimin talked seldomly. The first one was a week after you and Taehyung officially went separate ways. He would ask how are you and you would do the same thing. You were surprised but happy at the same time when you learned he had a kid, who happens to be Jisoo’s nephew. You two had this unspoken rule to not talk about Taehyung because Jimin doesn’t bring him up and you are too shy to ask. But you know they are doing well, you heard they expanded the shop.

In the whole two years, Taehyung never really left your mind. It’s hard. Especially when you would still get random reminders of your relationship in unexpected ways. In what was supposed to be your fifth anniversary, you got a scheduled e-mail from his account. Every year, your phone calendar still updates you to buy him a gift a month before his birthday. And just like last month, you found an old picture in one of your bags. Something you probably slipped there long ago. It’s a picture taken years ago during your first snow in your house with a handwritten caption, TOO MORE SNOWY DAYS TOGETHER. It was in his handwriting.

“Goodbye, Nurse YN!”

A little kid waved his little hand to you while his mom politely smiled at you. You waved back and continued walking back from your small clinic. This is how your day ends in school: tiny voices saying goodbye and sometimes giving you warm hugs. You were never really busy since you worked with two other school nurses who you became friends with. 

“Oh, hey, YN.”

You just sat in front of your computer screen, recording some student’s health records, when your co-nurse popped into your shared office. Martha just found her recent hobby a couple of months ago after you told her that you haven’t been dating for the last couple of years.

You exaggeratedly sighed and did not even look at her, “What do you want?”

“YN sounds so tired of you already.” Aileen, your other co-nurse, laughed while organizing her files.

“I know, she is.” Martha chuckled. She turns to you, “I know a guy…”

You paused from what you were doing, “Martha–” 

It’s not like you’re not interested in dating. It took you more than a year to be open again to the idea and so far, you’ve gone into two dates from Martha’s recommendations. But both were not a match. The first one is a great guy but he seems like he cannot get over an ex since he talked about her half of the time. While the second guy is just rude. That’s all you can say about him. The date was all about him not liking how the steak was cooked and how one of the waiters was too kind to you. It was horrible.

“No, no, honey. Listen to me first.” Matha cuts you off. “I personally know this guy. He’s my cousin and… he also works in the medical field! He’s a doctor.”

An eyebrow raised. A doctor? Well, you never dated one before. But you knew doctors were better than that last guy you mentioned.

Aileen joined, “Is he the one you showed me earlier?

“Yup,” Martha replied, popping the ‘p’ sound.

“Oh, you’ve got to see him, YN. The guy is gorgeous!” she exclaimed. “If you won’t date him, I will!”

The three of you laughed. Of course, Aileen can’t. She is currently seven months pregnant with her second child and married to one of the teachers in this same preschool.

“Just don’t tell Seb,” she added, mentioning her husband.

You still haven’t said anything even though you are admittedly interested. Martha pulled her phone out.

“Wait, I’ll show you his account.”

“Oh, that dress suits you perfectly!”

Jisoo’s voice filled your room as you fixed the dress on your body. Even though you two are in different cities, she is still your go-to every time you need to dress up for something. Usually, through Facetiming. The date is fine-dining. So, you tried on different dresses for Jisoo to pick on and eventually, you two agreed on the same one.

“Don’t forget your coat! It might get cold,” she advised. “Now, turn around again!”

You giggled before doing what she said. You heard her cheer and compliments, making you smile.

“You are stunning!”

“Thank you so much for helping me, Jiji,” you said with a small smile.

“You’re welcome. Just have fun, okay? Let me know how it goes later.” she told you and you nodded. She spoke again, “Now, go! Book that Uber already.”

“Okay, okay. Bye! Call you later. Love you!” you waved.

She waved back, “Love you, take care!”

You ended the call and moved to another app to look for a ride. Your date initially asked if you wanted him to pick you up. But you just agreed to meet him at the restaurant he invited you to. He seems nice. Martha said her cousin has been single for a while now. After his last relationship, he just gave most of his time to work.

To +82 65 78** ****

Hi! I’m on my way. See you there.

You sent your date the message when you finally got in the car you booked twenty minutes ago. It did not even take a few minutes before he replied,

From +82 65 78** ****

Okay, see you there! Take care.

Pursing your lips, you look outside the window of the moving car. You hope for the best for tonight. You hope Martha’s recommendation is at least okay this time. Maybe the universe could prove to you that Taehyung is not the only guy in the world who could make the butterflies play around in your stomach. Or the only guy who would be patient enough with your tendencies. You just have to know that he is not the only guy in the world. Period.

As much as you won’t say it, dating Taehyung for four years made him your standard for everything. You already met two versions of him; one before the accident and one after the accident. They are almost the same person but the latter just brought you a lot of pain because of various circumstances. But you know and feel he shows his emotions in other ways.

“We’re here.” the female driver, whom you saw is Val, said as she stopped the car in front of the brightly lit restaurant.

You smiled before getting out of the vehicle, “Thank you.”

Starry Night lives up to its name. As you noticed before, the whole place is lit up with many lights. Carefully, you walked inside with your strappy heels. The staff smiled and greeted you, and you greeted them back.

“Good evening, madam. Welcome to Starry Night. How may I help you?”

“I have a reservation under Jung Hoseok’s name.” you politely replied.

“Oh, okay. Let me check our list. Excuse me.” the host scrolled down his iPad for a minute. “The name’s here! Please, follow me to your table. This way please.” 

You followed him while looking around the place. It’s not too crowded and it has a romantic feeling because of the lights and jazz music. You know someone who would have loved to go here. Before you sit down, the host assisted you with the chair and offered to take your coat. You agreed. Pulling out your phone from your purse, you update Hoseok that you just arrived. You put your phone down and studied the whole place again with your eyes. 

A woman caught your eye. She was talking and chatting with the chef in the side station. They looked like they were waiting for someone to enter the door. Your gaze were broke off when someone spoke from your side.

“Good evening, ma’am. My name is Soojin and I’ll be your waiter for tonight. Would you like to order something?” the young waiter smiled.

“Oh, I’m still waiting for my date…” you murmured. “But can I have some water please?”

“Certainly, ma’am. Excuse me.”

Soojin left as you said thank you. As she was gone from your sight, your eyes landed on the man who was entering the restaurant. Dressed in a nice black coat over a light blue shirt, you quickly recognize him. Your mouth runs dry while your heart beats like a horse’s footsteps in a race. You were frozen.

What is he doing he– Fuck.

Your eyes meet. You can see his eyes widening as his lips gaped slightly. His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down while you practically lost your hearing. All you can hear is the drum inside your chest.

Fuck, you cursed again.

What are the chances for this to happen? Is the universe playing or simply fucking with you? You asked for a great date and it gave you this. The man you’ve been holding as your standard ever since. 

It burns.

His eyes. You can feel them as you take a sip from the ice-cold glass of water. After the host led him to one of the empty tables in your line, your eyes traveled everywhere except on his spot. You two were literally just an empty table apart.

Is he here for a date? Why here? In Incheon, really? Can’t he just date people from Seoul?

It has been nine minutes, you’ve been counting. Your hand rests on your knee, to stop your knees from jerking up and down, while the other rests on the table with your phone. You’ve been texting but erasing messages to Hoseok. You don’t think you can do this. With Taehyung being just a few feet away from you, it felt wrong to be with someone else. You should have been sitting right in front of him.

Slowly, you try to move your eyes in his direction. You paused when you saw that he was staring at you too, unmovable. Are you supposed to smile? Wave? Nod. just nod. You were about to do that when the same woman from the side station walked up to him, covering your view of him.

“Hi, good evening!” you heard her honey-like voice greet him. “I’m Ashley.”

You noticed Taehyung stood up. They shake hands and you don’t really hear the rest of their conversation. You began texting your date,

To +82 65 78** ****

Hi. Where are you?

You’ve been alone for a while now.

Taehyung noticed. The glass of water on your table is almost empty. The waiter already come back to you a couple of times now. He can see you chewing on your lower lip as you check your phone every minute that passes by.

Did your date just stand you up?

His hands clutched as he thought of that idea. He knew you didn’t deserve that.

“I think this is good! Not too sweet, not too spiced. It’s soft too. Just perfect.” Ashley snapped him from his thoughts.

Taehyung tried to concentrate on what he originally meant to do here, “Yeah… uhm… Jimin, my friend, really tries to balance the texture and taste. It’s his own carrot cake recipe that he worked on before we even had the shop.”

Ashley already had a taste of every cake he brought. Five open Tupperware are on their table, including the cheesecake you love. She began talking about the other cakes and dessert while Taehyung stole some glances at you again. This time, you are on call. You pursed your lips before replying to whoever it was. He can read the disappointment through your eyes as your lips form into a small frown. You sighed before saying, it’s fine, I understand. No problem. 

“Okay, these are really good. I think your products will be a great addition to our menu.” Ashley spoke again. 

Taehyung looked at her with surprise, “Oh, wow. That’s… great.”

Did he just get this deal?

“Yeah, I trusted my chef when he said he had the best Tiramisu in your shop and I’m glad I did. These desserts are perfect and really satisfy my sweet tooth.” She compliments.

Taehyung bowed his head, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Your desserts deserve to be everywhere. Haven’t you guys thought of opening a branch here?” she asked.

“Oh, we’re still figuring things out. We just expanded our main shop in Seoul.” he chuckled.

“Well, I might go there when I visit Seoul.”

“Please do and let us know.” he smiled.

“I will. By the way, the contract is not ready now. But we are definitely having this deal! Can you and Jimin visit here again next week or maybe me and my head chef can visit your shop in Seoul?” Ashley offers.

“I still have to discuss that with my friend.”

“Oh, sure. Sure. Here, we are okay with any decision. Just let us know. You guys have our e-mail and numbers, right?” Taehyung nods. “Okay, I guess… that’s a done deal.”

Ashley stood up and offered her hand. Taehyung stood up too and shook her hand. 

“Thank you so much.” Taehyung smiled.

While Ashley replied, he stole another glance behind her. That’s when he sees you standing up and walking back to the host at the entrance of the restaurant. The host had an apologetic look on his face as you talked to him. He helped you with your coat. It seems like you’re leaving with your date being a no-show. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. But I would have to go for now..” Taehyung carefully said.

Ashley smiled, “Oh, of course. Yes. You can go. But one more thing… can you leave these cakes?”

Taehyung chuckled with that, “Of course!”

“Thank you! See you in the contract signing!”

“See you.” 

Taehyung took his coat from his seat and left in a hurry. You were already gone, possibly out of the restaurant. He said thank you to the staff who opened the door for him and he immediately searched around. That’s when he sees you standing, looking down at your phone.

“This one’s just a few minutes away–”

He took a deep breath before saying, “YN?”

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[boyrobott]

(i know you're on break rn so don't feel pressured to reply ) but the video essay is officially on youtube worldwide!! I had to fight with copyright for a week to get it up lol, but its here! 90 minutes of unhinged rambling about this movie. (GhostyQuartz on youtube, I don't think your asks allow links lol)

it's great to hear from you again! and if it helps you feel any better about messaging me while i'm on hiatus, i pretty much never log onto social media when i'm on a break, so i didn't even see this message until a couple days ago when i had some downtime. but i immediately went and watched your video essay right away as soon as i had the chance! i'm going to drop a comment on the video itself at some point, but i also don't want to clutter up your comment section too much, so i'm going to post the majority of my thoughts here instead.

for interested followers, here's the video in question.

"make america metro city great again" is living in my head rent-free from now on. it'll be here for exactly forever.

"you won't grow??? get sold to the circus, idiot" 😭😭😭

referring to elefun as tenma's "definitely not gay lover" ITS TRUE BUT YOU SHOULDNT SAY IT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUTING THEM LIKE THIS. THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO THEIR PRIVACY. WHO ARE YOU TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM THEM.

i literally never noticed nor considered the symbolism of astro being suspended by wires, breaking free of those wires in the first moments of existence, and becoming so much more than the puppet tenma wants him to be. that literally got me right in the chest. i never thought about that before. thank you. i will be thinking about it for exactly forever now.

your notes about tenma's relationship with both his sons being largely transactional in their own ways (tobio gets good grades, tenma "rewards" him with love & affection / astro behaves like tobio, tenma "rewards" him with love & affection / astro fails to behave like tobio, tenma shuns him, withdraws from him, and rejects him) and how that bleeds over into astro's dynamic with everyone else in the movie, particularly hamegg, and colors his actions during his stay in the orphanage, is actually something i've thought about a lot. so it was really cool to hear somebody else drew the exact same conclusion. still got me right in the chest though.

re: why do robots have their own language, separate from the humans, in the 2009 universe?? i'm actually writing a fic about that!! i originally intended for it to fill one of the astro boy 2024 fanweek prompts, but then i got a better idea and this one went on the back burner. but it'll definitely get written & posted someday!

your analysis of the tension in astro's posture whenever tenma is in the room made me so sad for real. the fact that astro is so visibly uncomfortable and nervous around his own father will never not break my heart. poor kid deserves so much better.

ZANE IS BESTIE GOALS!!!!! this is real!!! this is true!!! this is canon!!! sometimes i feel like i'm the only true zane stan in the fandom, so it's always so great to encounter other people who also notice what a good friend he is to astro. their dynamic is usually ignored or overlooked in favor of astro & cora (which is understandable, considering their parallel backstories) but i really love them. zane is so ride-or-die for astro it's UNREAL. i've played around with the concept of zane faking his illiteracy so astro can reveal his secret on his own terms, too, and that was actually my automatic assumption when i watched the movie for the first time -- zane was just pretending for astro's sake -- but then the joke came back a couple times later on, and i don't know if zane has the patience and dedication to commit to the bit for that long, lmao. nonetheless, i've been considering a post-canon fic where zane accidentally reveals he does know how to read, and astro is so genuinely stunned lol

the surface was SO criminally underutilized. thank you for noticing. kissing you on the mouth. in my opinion, it was a far more interesting location than metro city, and i would've loved a more thorough exploration of it before he goes back home. i'd love the opportunity to write a post-canon fic one day where astro stays on the surface for several years at a time, slowly helping the surface-dwellers bring the earth back to life. elefun did say the blue core had the power to do that, and i just think it'd be really cool if his prediction came true not because of the energy within the core being "properly harnessed", as he says, but because the robot who's powered by it cares enough about humanity to devote himself to planetary restoration efforts all across the globe.

did not realize cora was canonically seventeen. i dont like that. i dont like that at all. i'm rejecting that full stop. she's like twelve or thirteen now because i said so. (i know she's pretty tall in comparison to the boys, which would suggest she's older, but i always assumed that was because girls tend to hit puberty first and reach their adult height by fourteen or fifteen, with maybe another inch or two before they hit adulthood. so i figured that was what happened with her. plus, astro & zane aren't really that tall. astro is canonically under five feet, and zane is only about four inches taller than him, give or take a bit. even if we assume astro is 4'11 (he's not lmao he's closer to 4'5 or 4'6 i think) that would only put zane at about 5'4.) and now you've got me wondering whether astro is canonically thirteen or not, because i always assumed he was younger, too, and everyone just jumped on what that security guard in the ministry says to tobio ("you're what, thirteen?") as a canon confirmation of his age. but you know what, it doesn't matter what his canon age is, because i won't accept it, anyway. he's ten or eleven to me. no way he's any older than that. he's too baby-coded <3

you want a copy of the 2009 novelization?? i gotchu. give me a little while to get it together and find a site to put it on (i know internet archive hosts rare books, but i dont know shit about it beyond that i just use it to read out-of-print stuff from decades past lmao so there WILL be a learning curve). i also have the 2009 graphic novel AND the Underground comic series. hmu if you want any of that too

"hamegg should have found out astro was tenma's son and hurt him as a way to get back at tenma" NO NO BUT I'VE ACTUALLY BEEN WRITING A FIC ABOUT THIS?????? I'VE BEEN WRITING A FIC ABOUT THIS FOR REAL???? I'VE HAD THIS EXACT IDEA IN MY HEAD SINCE 2021???? WHAT THE HELL AND FUCK!!!!!!!

that moment where you stopped to count up all the times astro died in the movie literally sent me into fucking orbit for real. i saved the picture to my computer because i want to be able to look at "death #3 (kind of)" whenever i want

speaking of memes i'm honored my "do it for him" one got featured in your video 😭😭😭

THE EYE CONTACT DURING THE SCENE WHERE TENMA DEACTIVATES ASTRO. YOU GET IT. YOU ABSOLUTELY GET IT. YOU ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GET IT. ALL THE UNSPOKEN THINGS BETWEEN THEM HANGING SO HEAVY IN THE AIR IT'S ALMOST PALPABLE. THE REGRET AND REMORSE AND GRIEF AND DESPERATE HOPE ON BOTH SIDES. TENMA'S EFFORTS TO FIND TOBIO IN ASTRO. NO MATTER HOW MUCH THEY LOVE EACH OTHER THEY ARE NOT CAPABLE OF BEING WHAT THE OTHER WANTS OR NEEDS. I'M LEGIT CHEWING DRYWALL RN.

your absolute roast of tenma's redesign was so good lmao. "you can tell he hasn't had a good night's sleep in 3 decades" took me OUT. they really yanked his dilf card away and didnt give it back until pluto 😭

you really hit the nail on the head when you said hamegg's presence on the surface combined with stone's presence in metro city means astro isn't safe anywhere. one of my favorite things about the movie is how there is nowhere astro can go to escape the humans' cruelty. he can't even find basic safety and security, let alone home and family. it really drives home the hardship he's living through, and underscores the inherent tragedy of his existence. i'm absolutely fine.

i'm really surprised to hear you disliked astro's statements regarding his "destiny", since that was something i personally enjoyed a great deal! the way i've always interpreted is not that astro genuinely, wholeheartedly believes in fate so much as he has to believe in it to maintain his sense of hope and optimism. he has to believe that he has a greater purpose beyond a failed experiment and an imperfect copy of his father's real son, he has to believe he exists for a good reason, because otherwise, he'll have to face the fact that he's nothing more than a mistake tenma made in the darkest depths of his grief and denial. if he admits there's no such thing as destiny, he admits that he has no purpose and no place in the world. if he admits there's no such thing as destiny, he admits that he shouldn't even be alive. when he says it's his destiny to die at tenma's hands in the ministry, and when he says it's his destiny to die fighting the peacekeeper, that's actually an extremely realistic and heartbreakingly human response to his very distressing, very traumatic, and horrendously unfair circumstances. at the end of the day, he's really nothing more than a young boy who's just had his whole world ripped away from him, and he's struggling to make sense of this new reality he's found himself in. the horror of his situation is simply too cruel for him to accept fully, so he dresses it up as destiny. that's always been fascinating and heart-wrenching to me in equal measure. but i understand it's not for everyone, and to each their own 🤷

thank you again for linking me to the video! it was so much fun and so enjoyable for a die-hard 2009 fan such as myself. i'd be interested in hearing your thoughts if / when you complete your watch of the 2003 series, though i understand videos of that length require a lot of time and commitment, so i absolutely don't expect to see anything like that, lol. i hope you're having a wonderful day, and that you have a lovely holiday season if you celebrate anything around this time of year!

[whisperedhistory]

hey isabella!!

oof good luck with that !! yeah the end of the semester is no joke no matter which side of the teacher student equation you are lol

i'm also a matcha enjoyer, but tbh i mostly go for a cappucino or a mocha. tea wise, i mostly just stick to chai at home but living in the vicinity of 1453845 boba places means i've build up a standard order there too, jasmine green milk tea with grass jelly is my little treat every now and then.

aggressively competitive game night sounds like a dreammm (i am. a Very intense board games player) i have an endless letterboxd list of stuff i want to watch but this last month i've been overcome with the desire to marathon the disney cars franchise sooo i guess we're doing that? feeling very nostalgic tbh might watch debs and maybe the holiday to round it all out....

i mean this is the having meltdowns over tv website so you'd be well within ur rights haha but west wing and criminal minds nice! a couple of my friends are huuuge criminal minds fans and tbh i'm too much of a baby for crime stuff but i have been meaning to watch west wing for a while....re medical shows: i have a theory actually and it's that everyone has one medical procedural that's their cross to bear (mine is house md haha) but! i googled beautiful minds and it's based on oliver sacks books?! i loved reading those so i will have to watch this for sure. i'm currently watching m*a*s*h and gearing up for a black sails rewatch come january which i'm vv excited for !

okay question for today! what's your favorite song or album at the moment? i've had the new tamino singles and the new doechii album on repeat :) hope u have a marvelous day <3

love,

t

hi t!

the final day of midterms has officially ended so my students are off to get some much needed rest and i’ll be grading exams from the comfort of my couch (which, in my opinion, is soo much better than having to grade in my classroom).

i’m not a huge coffee person but i do love a good mocha! i’m also in the general vicinity of 1453845 boba places - my go to is taro milk tea. it satisfies everything i want in a drink!! sweet? check. fun color? check. i’m very easy to please.

yeah, i come from a family of intense board game players and i… am no exception. honestly, sometimes my game nights feel like they belong in a sitcom. boards have been flipped, people have been injured while playing uno, the list goes on. do you have a favorite game to play? or one that makes you the Most Intense?

oooh yes nostalgia is absolutely the way to go for movie watching this time of year. the holiday is always a must watch for me in december so looks like we’ll both be doing that! i definitely recommend watching the west wing, it’s SUCH a good show.

your theory about medical shows is spot on… unfortunately, my cross to bear IS greys anatomy. but i will say that i was really skeptical about brilliant minds at first for exactly that reason (like, who really needs yet another medical procedural?) and it’s FAR exceeded every single (lack of) expectation i had.

i still haven’t watch black sails in its entirety! i watched the first episode way back when the show first came out and i’ve been meaning to get back into it ever since.

ooh those are both excellent artist to have on repeat. i’ve been cycling through joy oladokun, katie gavin, pom pom squad, and kendrick lamar’s new albums on repeat! genuinely haven’t listened to any other artists in a couple of months haha

i hope you’ve had a good week so far!!

love, isabella

[muppetscholar]

tell me Tom...

[encephaloscope]

Mabel Sweater/Part 1: About

oh, how happy I am with this one.

I had this project in mind for a while so bringing it out into the world and having it fit and look exactly how I wanted is amazing. I will write two posts about it, because I want to 1- tell you all about it (yarn, pattern, duplicate stitching) and 2- explain the surgery I did on the sleeves to avoid re-doing them completely.

if you don't recognize it, this sweater is inspired by one worn by Mabel in the animated series Gravity Falls (check Disney+, it's so good, so worth it).

the yarn

Wool of the Andes (WotA) is my favorite worsted weight yarn. it's affordable, available in a wide range of colors (many beautiful heathered colorways, too, which I adore), it's non-superwash but not too itchy. it spit splices like a charm and has great warmth. you can knit it at various gauges in the DK-aran range with no problem. not an ad - I just really genuinely love this yarn, lol.

here are the colors I used, from left to right: dragonfruit, creme brulee, poet, tranquil and pumpkin. I think it's a prettttyy good match! I didn't want the orange to be too bright so pumkpin is perfect.

I was very intimidated by the dragonfruit colorway as I don't wear bright colors very often, but it has unlocked a love for pink I didn't know I had! and enough people have told me that it looks good on me that I believe them, now, lol.

the pattern

I wanted a loose-fitting, drop-shoulder, crew neck sweater. I know Mabel's sweaters all have that turtleneck action going on, but I am not comfortable in anything closer than a crew neck. I didn't use a pattern because I can make my own ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ hot take: drop shoulder sweaters are the easiest to grade and any decent designer should be able to have all sizes available. also, as a knitter, you can just knit bigger arm openings if you need bigger sleeves, simple as that.

so, I did some math to figure out how many stitches the body had to be. I divided that in two, for front and back. I decided that there would be one purl stitch on each side for a "faux-seam". I also decided that the neck opening should be a little under a third of the width. so I cast-on for the right shoulder, knit a few rows, put those on hold, did the same for the left shoulder, cast-on my neck stitches in between them, and worked the back until I had reached where the underarm would be. I then put my back stitches on hold and started working on the front. I picked up stitched from the right shoulder and just started to knit, shaping the neckline by trying it on me every few rows until I was satisfied. I put that on hold, mirrored it on the left side, then cast-on stitches in the middle, and knit straight until the front was as long as the back. I then joined everything to work in the round until I was satisfied with the length. so, you know. pretty basic improvised top-down drop-shoulder sleeve construction!

speaking of the sleeves, I picked up stitches with no regard for my row gauge. there were too many, the sleeves were puffy, and I didn't like the look. more on how I fixed them in part 2. aside from that, I opted for decreasing in the round every ten rows or so instead of decreasing under the arm. you can see the decreases on the sleeves a little, but I don't really mind, I like the fit better than if they were triangular.

the shooting star

I made the grid in Stitch Fiddle. I just googled something like "mabel rainbow shooting star sweater" and found an image of the design. I imported it in Stitch Fiddle and ... fiddled ... a bit with it. I figured out how many stitches wide I wanted it to be, and I had to slightly tilt the image so the star wouldn't be too wonky. it would have looked better if I had user a thinner yarn for the sweater, but I think I got a decent result for my gauge.

for the shooting star, I opted for duplicate stitching because I hate intarsia. it took three tries to find the technique that worked best for me and I ended up falling in love with the rhythm of it. for real, I was sad to be done at the end. I worked left-to-right, breaking my yarn for every "line" except the very short ones. here's a pic of the backside, if you're wondering what it looks like.

final thoughts

so yeah, pretty proud of myself on this one. I learned new techniques, I improvised a pattern. it was an exercise in trusting my instincts as I tend to overthink everything I create. it was also a project I knit for fun, for me, without the pressure of writing the pattern or having a deadline. as a bonus, I now have an easy Halloween costume!

[myshyyangel]

BLs of 2020 *year in review(>×<?) *

Hi, it's me again. I just wanted to say first, this is my opinion, second, please, do not send me any message to tell me how wrong I am. THIS IS MY OPINION, feel free to comment on the post BUT don't send me messages threatening me. Anyways, as I said yesterday, today I'll do my list of bls that stood out to me and why, I mean the best lol.

7. Gameboys - good.

So gameboys, Woah! It was good. Great script, acting on point and direction. It was different obviously, but it managed to stay on top of "bls based on the pandemic that we are living while the bl was being filmed". The acting is on another level, it's funny in the right places and serious too. There was not much of one side and then nothing from the other. My problem with bls is how they tend to be unbalanced, and even if Gameboys was filmed during dark times, it managed to surprise everybody *I'm sure*. The side characters were not overwhelming, and the acting was good too. Yes. We love to see it. Re-watch value 8.5/10

6.Why r u - good-ish.

Why R U, so I was skeptical with this one, but I wanted to see how Saint (whom character I hated so much in LBC) would turn himself around and prove that he is a good actor. And boy, he did not come here to play. Zee was good too, and Tommy and Jimmy. Now, aside from them, it was a mess. So that's why my grading is good-ish. I skipped half of everybody else's story. These two couples were the saving grace, and like here's my thing... Overload. Wanting to cover a lot but you don't have to. Anyway, I'm glad we got to see the whole story completed now. It was a good series, the writing was a little questionable but the acting was there. The story was cliché, but still. Puuur. Re-watch value 8/10 but like only if it's the main couples. 6/10 if it's the whole series.

5.Mr. Heart - good, cute, aksjaks melt my heart.

Sooo... I just loved this series. The thing is, the actors were so likable and loveable that I didn't even care about how short it was. But I did re-watch it and some things need some work. The script was one of them, it was kinda confusing, but as I said, the actors are so charming that you need to watch it again just to pay attention to the whole thing. Anyways, the direction was good, and the color palette... LOVED IT. The story itself is a little cliché like almost every bl that came out this year. Re-watch value 8/10

Now MY TOP BLS OF THIS YEAR.

4.Where your eyes linger - excellent

First off, LET'S GO KOREAAA YAAASS. second, mmm Viki girl- I had to subscribe just for this series. Third, ugh It was so good. The acting, the script, the direction, the colors, the acting, aksjaksk what else can I say?. The production team did know where to take the series and in such a short time. Both actors shine and their chemistry is palpable. The music was perfect. I mean, best of the best when it comes to bls. I hate to compare but, how come Korea made this bl and it became UNFORGETTABLE and half of the bls that came out were all the same? I think it was bold to separate the main characters, I thought it wouldn't happen cause you know... Cliché. BUT IT DID HAPPEN and the best part is how the end comes fully in circle. Anyways, re-watch value 10/10.

3.Gaya sa Pelikula - unforgettable

This series is everything you wish every bl was in 2020. The lessons that they tried *and succeeded*to teach the audience, how to call an LGBTQ+ person, HOW YOU CAN BE RAISED BY PARENTS WHO ARE CONSERVATIVE and still not act like an AS*HOLE, the script was magic, the direction was on point, the acting. This series would go down in history as one of the best bls. Thank you to the actors, to the crew, and everybody else. Re-watch value 10/10.

2. 2gether - excellent

Polarizing at best. 2gether marked me, yes, it did. From the acting to the story. Yes, I know, "there are hundreds of bls similar..." not to me. And there's just so much I can take from this series, I even wrote a long character analysis on this app, but I'll summarize. Growers, there's character development, there are jokes and seriousness. And the plot is new *to me* so I was surprised. No character falls into the same category as other bl characters, and the energy the actors bring is just amazing. The color palette (yes, I am obsessed with it, it gives me different moods that's why I feel like it is important in a series) was beautiful, the music used was EVERYTHING, my only complaint is the direction, too many cuts (GMMTV girl you better stop). The cast shines. The finale is what was polarizing, no kiss, but I was sooo okay with it. Re-watch value 11/10, yes, I've seen it many times after it ended.

MY NUMBER ONE IS...

1. Cherry Magic. Excellent, unforgettable, chef kisses, best BL IN THE WORLD.

Cherry magic is the perfect example of why you don't need to have 45 minutes to make a good ss series. 20-24 minutes and we still got this much. Character development was there, cute moments... Everywhere to be found, the script is A HUNDRED for me, the director did not get me dizzy *giving actors screentime TOGETHER IN JUST ONE SHOT was just loveable, thanks*, the acting: out of this world. When you watch Cherry Magic, you feel like you are part of Adachi's world, or like you are watching a little kid growing up and you feel proud because of the decisions he takes. The same thing with Kurosawa, I've never seen a bl character like his, the guy is confident but respectful and it just makes you wonder if you'll ever find someone like that. The side characters didn't outshine but were not at the corner. That's what I call BA LAN CE. This is my favorite bl series of all time (which used to be DarkBlueKiss). I hope we get to see more, NO SPECIAL EPS PLEASE DONT RUIN IT. Re-watch value 1000000/10

What you guys think? What are y'all favs bls of this year? Some series I'm still on it like ITSAY and Hello Stranger. While there are some new bls that I'll review when they end.

Credits to the creators of the gifs, I do not own them, therefore if you see yours, message me and I'll add you, thank you.

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[69420angrycrabs]

20 Questions, Writer’s Edition

ty @bastetsbard for the tag :3 How many works do you have on AO3?

7 rip

What’s your total AO3 word count?

6623

How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

my published fics are all vld and some really old homestuck ones, but i have several fics for six of crows in the works

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

i only have seven, so im just gonna give the top 3 lol stay still - sheith, dubious consent, E (561) burning up [wip] - keitor, a/b/o, E (208) joyride - keith/keiths dad, a/b/o, nc/dc, E (185)

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

i try to, but sometimes i spend so long trying to think of a response that i eventually forget to actually go do it

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

probably my first one ever? i vaguely recall rose and dave having IssuesTM. im not linking it bc im scared to re-read it

Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

nah

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

no, none that i remember at least

Do you write smut? If so what kind?

most of what i write seems to be lmao its either kinky or fucked up or both

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that im aware of

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

sort of? in grade six my friend and i passed a notebook back and forth to write about naruto for a few days, it never really went anywhere. mostly because i moved

What’s your all time favourite ship?

oh jeez i cant pick just one. kanej and sheith are pretty tied tho

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

probably my fic the witch in the woods, i had some cool ideas but im trying to stick with oneshots for the most part right now since every chaptered fic i start never seems to go anywhere. i DO plan on finishing burning up tho

What are your writing strengths?

fuck idk im just vibing man

What are your writing weaknesses?

finishing stuff, for every published fic ive got like 4 or more abandoned or semi abandoned wips

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

i feel like meta said it best so im just gonna copy her answer. “If you can get a native speaker to help you, then hell yes. Otherwise, you damn well better be pulling it from a well-vetted source to be respectful. Specific words and phrases are find for extra color in a story, as long as you’re being mindful. (e.g. I usually use names of specific dishes for a culture)” and also kudos to people who just straight up make up a language altogether lmao that must be hard

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

see have you ever cowritten question, other than that, homestuck

What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

stay still, i wrote that puppy in a sleep deprived frenzy at 4am and its my most popular fic. idk how that happened but can i get a hell yeah

i dont know who to tag so if u see this and wanna do it just pretend i tagged you

[bloody-wonder]

Could I please request Top 5 lists you've made in your life?

haha thank you! here it goes

1. when i was 10 i noticed some of my things had been disappearing inexplicably so i got suspicious and made a List of all the things i owned, most notably toys and vhs tapes with animated movies. then a couple of months later i took an inventory according to my List and was able to prove that indeed some things were not there on my shelves anymore. i came with this evidence to my mom and made her admit that she'd been secretly giving things that she thought i'm not using anymore to my cousins or her friends' kids or idk who. i told her i was gonna sue her in a court of law threw a tantrum and she promised she would not do this anymore without asking me first. i still took an inventory several more times bc how could i trust my mother after this betrayal. the moral of the story is - i was an obnoxious type a bitch at 10 and still am 16 years down the road, some things never change

2. my excel sheet with all the books i wanna read which i keep bc after my goodreads tbr reached several hundreds it stopped being practical. my List on the other hand is color coded and categorized by genre and by whether i want to read the book in the foreseeable future or much later. the review of this List by my sister reads as follows *clears throat* "why are you such a nerd ugh"

3. my aftg related lists i used to write back when i was active in the fandom, most notably some things andreil said to each other that are better than ily and kevin’s potential love interests ranked (objectively)

4. lymond's subterfuge personas ranked. this one is still in my drafts bc i wanna post it after i re-read the series to make sure i don't miss anything but i'm unreasonably proud of it lol. currently i have 8 disguises/personas he used throughout the series and yes, spoliers, i'm gonna rank don luis first💃⚔

5. The Sexy Lucifers List which was a list of works of art depicting lucifer as a hottie which i made when i was researching for my essay about cabanel's fallen angel. compiling it was so much fun and i honestly wanted to post it on tumblr with the pictures and everything but then i got only the second best grade for my essay bc turns out the prof wanted me to write about theology? what? and not about how brooding and sexy the fallen angel is? so naturally i was upset at this injustice and you have been deprived of this peak content

ask me my top 5 anything

[sugarless--girl]

Dinner and Breakfast

Kakashi's a vampire, Iruka's his blood bank. It's simple as that. Or it should've been just that.

Written for Umino Hours Discord Exchange hosted by @magnustesla​. I scrambled to write everything super fast so I hope it all makes sense. Ngl, I didn't know where the hell I was going with this until I was more than halfway done. Hopefully that doesn't show LOL

The initial idea was that Iruka had a sanctuary that helped a lot of different supernatural beings. It would be in a modern setting but Iruka would act as a intermediary of sorts for the mythical world and normal world. Naruto would be a kitsune, Kotetsu and Izumo would be tengu, Asuma a fire elemental, etc. Anko and Genma made in here briefly but I didn't get much of a chance to expand on them. I like what this idea turned out to be but maybe someday I'll expand it a bit further. Who knows?

Anyway, comments are most welcome! Hope you enjoy this @seekingsquake!

Read on Ao3

Iruka was brought back to wakefulness as he felt a body enter the covers on his bed. He was entirely cognizant as he felt the dip near him but he was almost jolted awake as an ice cold nose pressed against his neck.

“Kakashi!” He hissed as he pushed himself up. Iruka’s eyes could make out the silver hair that stood out in the dark.

“Ah, did I wake you up? Sorry about that.” Kakashi said, sounding far too amused to actually mean his apology.

Iruka just glared, trying to blink the sleepiness out of his eyes. He glanced at his bedside and found that the clock read a little past 5AM. Dammit, Kakashi always came too early. “I told you to go wait in your room, last time.” Iruka said, unbuttoning the collar of his pajamas,

“Mah sensei, I couldn’t wait to see you again.” His voice was too casual but there was deliberateness to it—as if he was barely holding back. Iruka, now that he was more awake, was able to see that Kakashi’s eyes had a gleam of predatory hunger to them. He always waited until the last moment, didn’t he?

“Don’t flatter me.” Iruka said, pushing aside his long brown hair to bare his neck. “Just hurry up. And please try to not bite so obviously. The kids kept asking questions, last time.”

“I’ll try to be more careful.” He said with a helpless shrug and moved to pull Iruka close. The younger man came into his arms easily, into a position made more for lovers than two in a mutually beneficial relationship. As always, Kakashi’s body was cold. He looked uncomfortable for a split-second before his blood-lust took over and sunk his teeth into Iruka’s neck.

It hurt as per usual—this was nothing new. But Iruka was getting better at concealing his reactions. Kakashi always seemed uncomfortable with their arrangement no matter how much Iruka assured him, it was fine. The silver-haired man didn’t show it all that much, but it seemed as though his indifferent attitude that was clearly a put-upon mask, would fall away at Iruka’s discomfort. It was odd having the other vampire hover over him, truthfully. Really, Iruka didn’t mind. Kakashi was careful with the amount he drank. He never left Iruka exhausted in the same way others did in the past.

Kakashi pulled back after a few moments, his eyes dark. He stared at the brunette and Iruka held back a shiver. There was a want in them that only existed for a split second before it disappeared. Iruka blinked, feeling sleepy once more as exhaustion overtook him. He went to find some wrappings for the puncture wounds, not risking bleeding over his covers. Why did Kakashi always insist on coming right when he was asleep?

“So,” The vampire said, watching Iruka fix himself and re-button his shirt. “Breakfast in bed?”

“That’s your end of the deal, isn’t it?” Iruka said, a sly smile on his lips. Kakashi shot back his own sheepish smile—as per usual, he was always strangely bashful after his feeding. Maybe it had to do with the fact that it was such an intimate position.

“Yeah, I’ll go make it. Uh, thanks.” And with that, the vampire pulled up his mask and left the room. Iruka dropped back to his pillow and closed his eyes. He could get an hour or two of rest before he had to properly get up.

***

Sometimes Iruka dreamed of Mizuki. He woke up with a start those nights, often shaking and covered in sweat. He was slowly forgetting the color of his eyes but it still stood out to him every now and then. Was forgetting really the answer?

Kakashi had habit of sleeping in Iruka’s bed during the day. The brunette didn’t mind—he knew that the other man couldn’t go out anyway due to the sunlight. Really, it was a bit adorable but Iruka never said his thoughts aloud. He wasn’t sure why he kept such things to himself.

***

Iruka woke up to the smell of pancakes. Kakashi kept stopping by to cook for him even when the other man didn’t get any blood for it. It was a relatively new development that Iruka couldn’t help but feel strangely guilty over.

He also couldn’t help but wonder what Kakashi was thinking. Was he planning for something? Buttering him up for a favor?

When Iruka brought it up at the dining table, the vampire just laughed and said, “can’t I just do something nice for my favorite human?”

***

Sometimes Iruka waited outside for Kakashi. He’d do this most often when the sky was it’s clearest. It was never particularly clear as the light pollution from the city lights obscured the stars—nothing like home. But he wasn’t looking for the stars as much as the absence of light.

The absence of light in the form of a bat. It wasn’t easy to spot and oftentimes, Iruka didn’t see anything. However, it seemed as though Kakashi came like clockwork these days. Long gone was the ‘always late’ Kakashi Hatake. Or at least, he was on time when he was visiting Iruka. Now, wasn’t that something?

***

One time Iruka woke up from a dream about Mizuki and Kakashi was beside him. He handed the shaking brunette a glass of water. Soon the words came spilling out as easily as the few stray tears did. Kakashi didn’t say anything but instead listened. His smooth face never strayed from Iruka as his hands rubbed comforting circles on the other’s back.

***

“So…are you guys sleeping together or what?” Iruka choked on his water. Anko kept smiling.

“Platonically, yes. Romantically no.” Iruka knew that dodging the topic would be worse. Anko was relentless.

“What about carnally?”

Anko was always a bit too interested in Iruka’s sex life. She claimed that it was a because she was a succubus but Iruka knew better—it was because she was a relentless gossip hound. Truly a terrible habit.

“He’s just seeking me out for warmth.” That was the shittiest lie that Iruka came up with. And he was a pretty good liar (despite popular belief.) He scowled, knowing that Anko wasn’t buying it.

She really wasn’t. “I just wanna know what’s been going on between you two!” Her voice was bordering on whiny. It was cute but Iruka wasn’t about to tell here how endearing he found her.

Instead he just rolled his eyes and acquiesced a bit of information to satisfy her. “Honestly, I have no clue what’s going on between us. It’s not like we’ve even kissed or anything. I just give him my blood and he cooks me breakfast.”

Anko hummed. Iruka was afraid she was going to push it. “You know, I heard that sex with a vampire while they suck your blood feels really good.”

“I’ll….keep that in mind….” Even though he was used to the raunchy topics Anko brought up, Iruka couldn’t help the heat that crept up his ears. “Thank you for that.”

“Your welcome! And don’t forget to wrap it before you tap it!”

***

Sometimes Iruka wondered what Kakashi and him would look like. He considered and let his considering be shown through his actions. The vampire was left flustered by his actions.

But then Mizuki stopped by. And once again, Iruka was reminded of the particular shade of his green eyes.

***

The next time Kakashi came, Iruka was grading tests that his students had done. Grading an elementary school student’s journal was always a fun experience seeing as they had ridiculous stories to tell. They obviously didn’t see it as anything but normal but the way the student fixated on certain topics was just too adorable and entertaining.

Kakashi crept in through the window and froze as Iruka fixed him with a glare. Even though it had been a month since he last saw him, Iruka still was able to pick up where they left off. (Kakashi had to leave for some important business—or at least, that’s how phrased it said it. Iruka simply hugged him and left him at that. The vampire looked strangely let down.)

“I told you to knock on my door!”

“Well you see, your next door neighbors dog knows I’m a vampire and I don’t want that dog to relay that information to his owner so—”

“Alright, stop.” Iruka said, pinching his nose. “Take off your shoes already—I don’t want you tracking dirt in my house.”

“Really, sensei? You think I’d do such a thing?” Kakashi asked, eyes warm. It was obvious that he was smiling, even with his mask on. “You have no faith in me!”

It was true that Kakashi’s shoes were relatively clean. But they were relative to Naruto’s shoes, who was the only other person who insisted on climbing through the windows. “You’re such a bad influence. Soon, everyone that comes through my door, is gonna assume that my window is fair game.”

“Mah, mah, I’ll try to not come when anyone’s here.” Kakashi said with chuckle. “I never do, anyway.”

Iruka rolled his eyes. “Guess again. Genma’s here.”

The warmth from Kakashi’s eyes dropped and Iruka was left blinking in surprise. “Genma?”

“I needed him to look over a few wards. They were fine until—” Iruka pursed his lips. He forgot Kakashi didn’t know this story.

“Until?” He appeared to pick up that something had gone wrong. “What happened, Iruka?”

It was always odd to hear Kakashi call him by his name. Especially since he so frequently preferred to use Iruka’s title, ‘Sensei.’

“Mizuki stopped by and well, Naruto and Anko were around so not much came of it.” He didn’t get too hurt this time at least. It was embarrassing to be protected by Naruto—someone Iruka vowed to protect himself—but at least the situation didn’t get out of control. Anko diffused the situation before anything worse happened. “I just needed someone to look over my wards a bit more thoroughly. He’s in the bedroom.”

Kakashi stood still. Iruka couldn’t read him.

“Where is he now?”

“Asuma took care of it.” His shrug was forcibly casual. Iruka was mostly over the incident but still. “Anko and Asuma both managed to handle it pretty well.”

He was thankful for that. He didn’t want Naruto to be the one to protect him—not when it should’ve been the other way around.

Kakashi crossed the room in a few strides and tilted Iruka’s chin as if to see the truth for himself. But this time he was fine. Or fine as he could be with his shitty ex trying to break into his house. “I’m fine, Kakashi. Really.”

The silver-haired man didn’t seem entirely willing to accept it but he nodded all the same. “Alright, but just let me know if you need anything.” The sincerity coming from him was jarring.

Iruka couldn’t help but tease him a little. “What, not about to ask for anything in return? I thought you came here for blood?” It was a bit of a cruel joke—he knew that Kakashi didn’t just want that. But Iruka still said it anyway, the tease a bit more of test now.

“I don’t—” Kakashi scratched the back of his neck. “Mah sensei, your opinion of me is too low.”

The implicit ‘I care about you’ hung in the air and Iruka couldn’t quite….grasp it. Not yet. It was too soon. The pain from seeing Mizuki again was still hovering in the back of his mind as Iruka worked. He had mostly gotten it to settle down with the tedium of work but that didn’t mean he was ready for any deeper conversations. Not just yet.

“Either way, the situation’s been dealt with. Do you want to check the wards, yourself?”

“What, don’t trust my work?” Genma, a mage working under the witch Tsunade, came striding out of the only other room in his apartment. “What are you telling Kakashi, Iruka? Seriously, we had our favorite teach protected this time around.”

Iruka bristled at the idea that he even needed to be protected but Kakashi relaxed a bit more. “That’s good to here—I know this Sensei is the type to never say if he really does need help.”

“I just said you could check the wards. Isn’t that accepting help?” Iruka pointed out.

“That’s different.” Genma scoffed.

Iruka was ready to go at the mage before Kakashi interrupted with, “is Naruto alright?”

Iruka bit back a smile.

“He was fine as ever.” Genma said, adjusting his bandanna, “He wanted to fight Mizuki himself but Asuma held him back.”

“Good.” Kakashi nodded and Genma made his way out of the house—presumably to check the magical wards there.

It was the two of them once more. “I’m sorry I wasn’t around.” Kakashi said, quietly.

“It’s not something either of us could’ve predicted.” Iruka said with a shake of his head. He couldn’t lie—Kakashi brought him a sense of security that no one else brought—but it wasn’t all that bad this time. Truly.

“Still—”

“Seriously, Kakashi. It’s not a big deal. Now, are you too tired to make dinner or should I order take-out?”

“Is Genma eating with us?” Kakashi asked, making his way to the small, but neatly kept kitchenette.

“I’ll ask.” Iruka said making his way to his door. He paused and looked at Kakashi. “It’s nice to have you back again.”

Kakashi’s eyes curved into a smile. I feel safer with you here. The unspoken words hung in the air. It didn’t need to be said.

[everydayanth]

Question re: cultural appropriation: I am Vampirically WhiteTM (I combust/evaporate if exposed to sunlight over 5 seconds), but I sometimes do *all* my hair in tiny, uneven plaits that don't hug my scalp. Answers on various forums seem to only distinguish between big/sparse braids & Black hairstyles, so there isn't a nuanced answer for, "This style isn't Cornrows but I *do* use all my hair." [1/2]

The intention *isn't* to cuddle up as closely to traditionally African styles as possible, but rather so I can take the braids out 3 days later to poof up like a lion/Princess Merida. Humans are a braiding, weaving species, I really do like doing this thing, & I'm not always of the mindset that just b/c something *might* be problematic, I should just bend to my anxieties/White Guilt. Am I still sending the wrong message with my style? [2/2]

Honestly, I have to start by saying I’m a white female, so the action/consequence of this process holds no harm over me and therefore my answer cannot speak for the people (black, specifically women) being potentially appropriated. I can only speak of my own development and understanding of appropriating black culture, specifically with hair.

I grew up in a “black neighborhood” (a problematic concept in itself) and in school, we sat in a train-line of girls during read-aloud and braided each others’ hair. I learned to braid black hair by 2nd grade. We were kids, we saw the differences in our phenotypic traits, but we adapted and didn’t mind much. One time a friend tried oiling my hair and it did not end well, lol, I was a greasy mop the whole day. Braiding was culturally relevant to us as friends, but also to me as an individual: my mom would braid my hair on her good days. In the summer, she would put my hair in many tiny loose braids, similar to what you described, not cornrows, but small braids because it was hot and we didn’t have ac and it was an easy solution. We were judged accordingly based on uniform and size and I distinctly remember the day I learned about the use of a long pinky nail, lol. I didn’t think about it much until I got to high school, then college and studied social science and talked to POC friends there and really began to understand the problems. 

It’s not the act of wearing your hair in a particular style, we humans learn from each other, we copy, we reproduce, we recreate, and we do it for decoration and efficiency or usefulness. Every culture plays with hair and braids and for every example of appropriation, someone has a counter example perceived to be “their ancestors” or some sort of genetic heritage (”I’m 1/32 Native”) giving them rights to partake in a specific kind of decoration or practice. But that’s not the issue. The issue is that when black people, specifically black women, wear their hair in braids, they are treated disrespectfully by our society, while when white people, specifically women, wear locs or braids, they are often rewarded for being worldly or exotic or interesting. 

There is not a common consensus; “black people” are not made of a uniform opinion, and whether something is problematic or offensive varies from one person to another. Appropriation, however, is a little easier to spot because it comes with a reward to some but with a punishment to the people who owned, initiated, or historically created or utilized a thing in the same way.

Black hair and hairstyles have been historically degraded, and its easy to think we live in a better world, but when Kim Kardashian wears “boxer braids” it becomes a trend, while Sasha Obama’s braids were criticized or attributed to past trends rather than her own rich ancestry. When Zendaya shows up in beautiful dreads and dressed to the nines, she is met with racist remarks, while Christina Aguilera’s were considered an “urban” phase.

Appropriation comes from capitalizing off something that isn’t yours, or that you can remove from your identity should the oppressor challenge you (thus why “white-passing” is often part of the conversation). Actively fighting against it means educating yourself on histories of oppression and abuse, modern social perspectives of white privilege, and what we do with all those pieces. 

Black girls are sent home from school or suspended all the time for wearing their hair naturally, in traditional styles, or in styles like weaves that make black hair easier to manage in a non-African climate. Loose braids worn by black girls are still condemned in schools today, while white girls back from Jamaica go unpunished and their braids and beads remain a symbol of money, experience, and privilege. Black men, as well as black LGBTQ+ individuals, are also judged harshly by different (often white-dominated) groups for their own styles and are definitely part of the conversation. 

Understanding the role of hair in culture and seeing the ongoing inequality is the most important thing we can do. Ideally, someday, we live in a world where we can all do what we want so long as it doesn’t harm another person, but we do not live there, and BIPOC are much more subjected to policing of their images, bodies, and especially hair than white people. 

Hair dressers learn white hair by default, not both, most kids never learn about different hair textures or the evolutionary purpose for the differences, they simply learn that one majority group can do whatever they like without negative reinforcement, while the other must adhere to strict rules to emulate the look of the majority with chemicals, expensive tools, and treatments, or be mocked, judged, degraded, and not able to participate in society without fear or ridicule of their personhood, their bodies, their natural selves, as well as the potential loss of job security, violence, or harsher social punishments, like ostracization, being jailed, or murdered by police without consequence. How a majority identifies an “other” has historically included hair texture and style as well as skin color.

Personally, I think intent matters. I don’t braid my hair anymore as a public style. Sure, I braid clumps of it while watching TV or hanging out around the house if I want something of a uniform wave (my mom has type 3 and my dad has type 2 and I got a franken-head of both lol), but I don’t wear many braids as a style out in public. Wearing braids as a young kid made me look like the girls in my class, it connected me to the people around me, and I was subjected to judgement by the black moms based on quality (at least those who spoke up, again, I was a child). I was blending, but when I got to high school, I realized that wearing braids brought an attention with it - oh, you’re interesting, or pretentious, but for my POC friends, employers made them remove braids. They heard condescending things like “your hair is too ghetto” while I began to hear that I was the “ghetto friend, wow so cool and cultured and street smart.” It was always insulting, but one is shittier (you know which one) because it is only condescending, and seeks to erase culture and judges based on racist biases.

If we normalize black hairstyles through popular trends, that seems like a good thing, right? But if white people are the ones normalizing it, then the agency of black people has been taken away from the black communities and restored through a white-savior complex. Not free will or choice, but through the appropriation of their own culture which then replaces the act of demonstrating culture (like wearing braids) as an act of the oppressor mocking and being praised. 

I know or plenty of white girls who wore braids or dreads or black hairstyles as a counter-culture identifier, in the way of popular artists and celebrities, but also activists and stoners appropriating Rastafarian culture. This makes black culture a counter-culture instead of an aspect of American culture or black culture within America that is respected and valued inherently. It otherizes, fetishizes, and tokenizes black culture, takes advantage of the current racist system and white privilege/bias, and gains an aesthetic. That is an intent to appropriate for social gains, and it’s all over the music industry and Hollywood. 

At the end of the day, I don’t think my opinion here can matter, I’m not harmed by your action. Braids are braids and I have a... not-normal history of exposure and love of black hair that most white girls don’t, but even then, I had to grow and listen and understand the nuances of my environment and the society around it. Is it different wearing styles in the middle of nowhere with no social interactions vs. posting on social media or interacting in society? Yeah, I think it is.

So I suppose the sum of the parts is:

Are you benefitting socially from wearing your hair this way? If so, then yeah, that’s sucky for the BIPOC people being pushed down for doing the same and is harmful appropriation. How you measure that seems to depend on intent, so the bias of wanting to keep doing something you like has to be accounted for. 

Is your intent to fit an aesthetic? If so, yeah, definitely a problem. 

Reflect on why you like doing this, what is it you gain or feel or imbibe or get out of the experience in the first place? I’d say at the end of the day, know the history of oppression that exists in America and around the world. Being aware and able to identify appropriation in media, pop culture, and everyday life, as well as the history of it, allows you to be an ally.

And finally, do you listen to what people are saying?

If/when people say things about your hair, understand that you are a social exception to the style and address it. I do think there is a responsibility to engage in these conversations when we ride the line of these grey areas, like when culture is shared with us, to what extent we participate and own it is 100% dependent on that relationship. Be willing to hear black people if they say it is uncomfortable, listen to what they mean, have a conversation about it and be willing to let go of a thing you want if that is the feedback you get.

I think a lot of appropriation comes from the denial of history and the ignorance of oppression. If Kim K made a statement that said “these aren’t boxer braids, they are cornrows, worn by African American women for centuries, mocked and ridiculed by white culture, but have been an efficient way to manage African textured hair in the new climate environment of the Americas when forced here as slaves. Many were forcibly shaven, but for those who were allowed to express themselves in small subtle ways as slaves, through jim crow, and even today, the decoration and design of cornrows was and is incredibly meaningful.” That’s a different conversation about appropriation, that’s using privilege and platform without placating or denying the experiences of others to educate and address appropriation, rather than solely profiting off the attention and claiming to create a “trend.” Black hair is beautiful and should be appreciated and allowed to be as bold or big as an individual wants it to be. 

Hair is one of the coolest, most useful phenotypic traits of thermoregulation in humans/primates, and science still has a few questions yet to research regarding the evolution of different textures and colors. Your own hair texture can change over time, as you grow, especially in women, depending on hormones, especially through pregnancy, nutrition, and chemical treatments like chemotherapy, as well as genetics, and even environmental changes in water hardness, haircare routine and treatment materials. 

With slavery, migrations, immigrations, and other historic and contemporary movements of humans comes the issues of adaption and change to fit the new environment, fighting forced assimilation, colonization, denial of cultural expression, and active racism. We need to be able to talk about these aspects of race in society and listen if and when people say what we are doing is harmful. I think the most important thing to do is educate ourselves on the purpose, history, and meaning of a thing, particularly if we are gaining positive attention from it while others suffer for it. Talk to people of color around you who are willing to offer an opinion, and listen to them. Research the history and speak up when you see the double standard in practice. 

My line is here: if I can find evidence of a POC being criticized for a style (and it’s not my natural hair), I’m not going to wear that style in public or on social media, but I am going to praise it, and criticize those racist comments degrading or demeaning it, I will champion it and demand schools do away with discriminating hair policies, and ask my library to spend money on children’s books about black hair, and do the work of finding black people voicing their opinions, or having a vulnerable and authentic conversation with a friend, then listen and make a judgement from there. If the consensus is that the style is harmful and you continue to wear it, then yeah I’d say that’s a pretty bad message that says: I just don’t care, I want to do this so I will. 

This follows a moral judgement for me: if you love someone and they tell you a thing you do is actively harming them and show you evidence of the harm (as in: it’s not just annoying, but actually harmful to them), but you continue to participate in the thing, that’s not love. I can’t fully picture the specific style, and I don’t know your intent or if/how you gain from the style, so I’m having a hard time forming a full opinion. Is this a style that has been addressed by black communities as harmful? Is it a few different styles put together? Are you in a diverse place, are you criticized for the look, is it even a look to you? 

Personally, I’d say it rides too close to the line for my own comfort and I wouldn’t be wearing a multi-braid style in public (as in more than two, I rock the french-braid pigtails while hiking because its easier to find ticks), but again, I’m not someone who would be being harmed by it. I often try to resist judgement of strangers’ hair unless I know them and their background or platform, because I don’t know their culture, ancestry, or heritage, so I don’t hold others in society to the same standard as myself.

I’d love to hear other peoples’, particularly POC, opinions and experiences with hair and appropriation. 

If there are a few un-uniform braids, is it different than many uniform loose braids, what about compared to cornrows, where is your personal line? Is it different from your social line? How would you judge or hold people accountable in society?

P.s. Thanks for asking and trying to learn more about the potential social impact you are having. I think that’s a great step toward a more equal world that can appreciate culture without taking advantage of others. It sounds like you’re trying to do your research to learn more about whether your action is having a negative consequence, and I appreciate you taking the time to be vulnerable and research and question yourself. I think that also has to be rewarded.

[rigelmejo]

Well I’m doing way better than expected on this app. ToT so I still am half screwed, since I can only access the free stuff and not the lessons - and I imagine this app actually has decent lessons.

I can access the evaluator tool though. The tool gives me many individual syllables, then 2 Hanzi words, and plays the correct example pronunciation then records my attempt. It also shows pinyin over each syllable so you can read it as you pronounce if you need the pinyin. It runs through 20 at a time then has me record. At the end of maybe 50-100 of these, it shows you the results. It shows you what syllables you got wrong in each section and you can click them. Then it lets you play the correct pronunciation again, record yourself again, and re-evaluates you. It also lets you play the 2 recordings and compare. It shows if you got the initial, final, or tone wrong. This tool also counts your mistakes, and keeps track! So you could use the evaluator over time to measure progress. I think there’s a way to do drills to JUST practice your mistakes for 6-15 minutes, but I’m not sure if that’s for paid users only.

Turns out, I am getting the initials and finals wrong, but my tones are solid lol. Got none of them wrong. For initials, what seems to be confusing me are c, j, q, s mostly. For finals: en, in, eng. so at least I have a nice direction for where to focus my practice.

There is also a full chart of Chinese sounds, in all tones with audio, that you can use for reference.

There’s also at the bottom some free areas - these seem limited however to one “lesson” accessible each, if you are using it free like me. These seem super cool to me because they give you SENTENCES and audio, then you record yourself and it grades you and shows you which Hanzi you messed up the pronunciation of and by how much (orange you were sort of understandable, red you were not, and it gives a yellow caution triangle if overall you were not comprehensible even if you got only yellow error marks). I find this incredibly useful because what I struggle with most is keeping my tones understandable when speaking in sentences, especially at a regular pace. I also like this section actually because it does NOT show pinyin. So I have to really listen to the sentence and pick out what tones I’m hearing OR attempt to just mimic the speaker without even thinking about what tones I’m using - both ways I am practicing getting More automatic about it. Also, these sentences use some words I DONT know so I have to pay extra attention that I hear how to pronounce them clearly, since I have no pinyin to reference. Next to each sentence it will grade you from 0-100 on how comprehensible you were. The goal is to aim for 80-100. Ideally in the 90s. For me, only sentences with no mistakes seemed to score in 90s. So any orange mistakes pushed you into 80s (mistakes that can be sort of understood). And more than 1-2 mistakes pushed me into 70s generally.

At the very bottom of the list of sentences you can practice with, you have the option to see the sentences as one long paragraph. You can listen to the example audio. And you can record yourself reading the whole thing. I found this extremely useful. 1. Every audio recorder in this app is timed - it has a bit of extra padding time at the beginning and end (I am assuming in case you need it to start or stop speaking). But overall it being under a time limit, to me, encourages me to think less and speak at a more natural speed. Which is what I desperately need (since I talk real slow when I consciously am trying to pronounce correctly - this is forcing me to focus on pronouncing correctly AND speak at a reasonable pace). Anyway back to the paragraph activity: at the end of recording yourself, it will color any mistakes in orange or red (somewhat comprehensible and NOT comprehensible) and give you an overall grade on how comprehensible you were. Again - this is made up of the sentences, so any unknown words you just have to listen and do your best to guess what the correct pronunciation is. And you are under a time limit, so some mistakes may be due to you rushing and forgetting pronunciation etc. This is an example of mine below. I know 坡 and 只, I just messed them up because I wasn’t speaking well enough/rushing/screwed them up in a sentence. The other red errors were unknown words (so I didn’t remember their pronunciations well enough). Most of the orange mistakes are Hanzi I do know the pronunciation of, so I need to work on saying them more consistently decently when speaking in sentences/paragraphs.

The app is the first result in the App Store when you search 普通话学习. I was able to register just fine with a us phone number so that’s good. But I can’t buy the full lessons since I don’t have a wechat ToT still: if I could register, that means these free portions would likely work for you too if you want to use the app. And if you DO have wechat or Alipay then you can get the full app unlike me lol. (If anyone with a wechat wants to help me register lol, please let me know ;-; )

This is what the app looks like in the App Store:

Anyway, I’ve been desperate for something just like this - where I can hear correct pronunciation and practice, and get clear feedback on what exactly I am messing up. This app definitely hits those areas lol. So it may be worth checking out.

Here’s a guide I’ve been following on how to download/use it. Keep in mind that if you haven’t registered in chinese on an app before you may want a dictionary open (if you’ve registered for Ximalaya it’s just as easy on this app, it’s pretty clear to follow the directions intuitively). The guide: https://www.dropbox.com/s/e4453cxmn8ms5hp/普通话学习%20Guide.docx?dl=0

[atlafan]

I just got back from dance and saw Something Wicked got posted!! I’m super excited to read it!! Himbo Harry here I come!! I probably would be a better writer if I had Harry as an English teacher!! I have a stripe of hair on the back of my head that was blue once then I died it pink before lockdown. And I’ve been thinking of getting a pastel lavender or a silver for my next color; a tribute to the lovely Amber Hale!?! A HUSKY NAMED OPAL!?! Love!!! I can already sense we will be getting a penny and amber conversation about how amber is meant to be with Harry and such!! Mhmm love those friendships!! “Maybe worry about teaching that to your students instead of me. I’m a lost cause.” Why did I relate to this? Can I make a guess now?! Does amber fall in love with Harry reading to her? If so SIGN ME UP!! I want to listen to his voice all day! “Amber had a hardened heart that couldn’t be so easily sueded by a handsome man with a kind a smile.” If only, unfortunately I fell for that goofy smile! “I can’t help it! He smells nice.” Same! “Hey, there, pretty girl.” I know he’s talking to Opal but I would like to greeted this way! “Then explain what’s going on because I woke up with a raging boner this morning, and it took a really long time for it to go away, and I also can’t remember a thing that happened last night, so I want some answers!” That’s a sentence I would like to hear Harry say! Oh course Harry is freaking out at first but once everything is explained he’s like “but who was it? Why are they after opal?” Like the engagement of helping Amber! “ It pisses me off to no end that she likes you.” Me to myself! Why do you like this man? But also good for you for liking this man! “You’re so fucking positive and bouncy. You’re always in a good mood, it’s disgusting.” What me and Harry’s arguments will be like! “I do, however, one room with a full left.” Yes the classic trope oh no there’s only one bed in the room! 👀 ohhh Harry is a mage!!! “Y ou strike me as the type that likes to hear a woman beg for your cock.” And you are correct Amber! “I think that whoever you’ve slept with in the past never pleased you in the way that you need to be pleased.” You right Harry, tell me more! Oh god is the wax melting already?!? I smell it!! “You’d like that, wouldn’t you? To feel all warm and wet between your thighs.” THE WAX IS ON FIRE!! It’s going to get filthy I can feel it!! Oh god I’m in horny jail already! THE TEASE!! Jordan you tease me!!! The wax is on a simmer and the cell is unlocked but I’m staying in horny jail for now! “You can be attracted to someone and hate their guts. It’s hot and lustful.” Even though Amber doesn’t like reading she definitely read ‘Je T’aime” by Jordan! “I wanted us to go out on a proper date before we did anything like this.” AHHH!! I was some what right, penny definitely knew that the need to be together so she set up this plan!! “Please, take care of me. M’dripping.” Put the heat on high and lock the cell! I’m back in horny jail with some hot hot wax!! “the best part of my day is when you come into the shop after you’ve finished working for the day. You set up your stupid laptop and work on your stupid assignments, all while looking unapologetically handsome.” I would say this to Harry while we are about to do the deed! He has no right to be that handsome! “We’re going to be able to go for multiple rounds, and I want you to fill me up each time.” WAX!! The WAX!!! “she giggles as he wiggles his bum at her.” Shake that ass for me boy! “He sits up on his knees, and starts pounding into her relentlessly.” RE👏🏼LENT👏🏼LESS👏🏼LY👏🏼!! YESSS!!! “You’re really good at going down.” A sentence I wish to say one day!! “You just licked my asshole, I’m not too concerned about tasting my own come while it drips out of you.” I need Harry to say this... for science! “Harry ate out Amber’s ass, she rode him reverse, he hit it from the side, they were like animals.” Is there a place for me to sign up for this? Like the full package?!? Oh shit I think I’ve reached ask limit!! Lol back to the old days Part 2!!!

Who knew this would be back!! Part 2 folks!! “I just sort of thought about how I wanted to keep you safe, how I wanted Opal to stay safe because I knew that if anything happened to her you’d be devastated.” He’s so good and powerful and cute!! They want to be together!! Yes the communication!! The talk about what they are!! AND FEELINGS!! “I think we were supposed to find each other, like, there was some sort of pull between us.” Soft wax! “Feel like I fell in love with you from the second we met, but I’ve been trying really hard not to come on too strong.” The sigh of relief he had was adorable! “I’m the stoic one, and you’re the cinnamon roll.” 😭😭😭 “You’re the only one this stoic girl becomes soft for. You turn me into a little cinnamon roll, one of those really sweet ones with a ton of icing.” SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! This is adorable! “The kisses, the soft touches, the hugs, the smiles, everything Amber did, Harry loved.” Precious!!! “He liked that they both enjoyed a good tonguing, and he liked that they were so good at taking turns.” 👀👀 is it me and Harry?!? “Course you did, how else would he have gotten that mark on his neck.” AMBER YES!!! “Now, why don’t you do everyone a favor and put your tits away because he’s not going to suck on them, alright?” Amber with the callback!! I’m screaming! ‘“Let’s sit on the loveseat, even if you’re on top, I’ll thrust up into you.” He kisses her. “I’ll rub your clit.” He kisses her again. “Suck on your glorious tits.”’ If I’m possessive and this is what I get I wouldn’t mind making that decision every once in a while! SIGN ME THE FUCK UP! “Can’t have you squirting all over my office. I’ll take care of you when I finish work for the day.” Oh this cheeky bastard!! “but when I love, I love hard. It’s just who I am.” It me! THEY ARE CONNECTED!! I feel like I’m back in like 6th grade reading a witches book and being like I’m witch I’m powerful! Am I going to base my personality on this character for a week? You bet you ass!!! I want to be Amber so bad! I want Harry soo bad!!! I wouldn’t mind eating his ass or having my ass ate at the moment!! Give me the hole.. I’ll give you mine! They are too fucking cuteee!!! Jordan yes! Yes yes yes!!! So wicked and powerful!! Your mind is magical!! 💜🤍

Sorry this took me a few days to get to! I like to make sure I’m in the right headspace to respond when I get longer messages. I’m so glad you enjoyed this one, Alyssa!!

[limitless-rose]

The Signs as things I wanted to be when I grow up

[This has literally been in my drafts since December because I wasn't sure if each option matched with the sign I chose but whatever (it's also a long post again, oof)

Also I didn't really post anything related to 2020 so... Happy New Year, let's hope something good will happen this decade!! 💖]

♈ Aries: Be part of the army. I was quite fascinated by the idea of guns and protecting the nation and actually getting my life together. I was actually thinking about it for quite a while until I realized that in order to get accepted (at least according to the Greek system) you need to have excellent grades (especially maths/physics), to be taller that 165cm and to be excellent in sports. Guess what, I don't understand physics/science/chemistry, I've been about 158cm for the past 3 years and the only two sports I'm good at are badminton and tennis (while you need to be good at running, swimming and things like that I guess 😕)

✧

♉ Taurus: A chef/baker. Cooking and baking always seemed pretty fun. I would always sit by my grandma whenever she cooked/baked goodies and observe the whole process. I also got inspired by the movies "The Princess and the Frog" and "Ratatouille" and thought that one day I could possibly come up with my own recipes and open my own restaurant. But while growing up I realized that I can't cook properly when I'm stressed/multi-tasking (I'm capable of burning the food AND the kitchen if I get slightly distracted, ooof)

✧

♊ Gemini: A TV presenter or a weather woman. My mom told me that from the age of three I would always pretend to talk to an audience and answer questions from the callers or announce news/talk about the weather. Maybe that explains why I talk to thin air (as if I was a YouTuber) about anything and everything when I'm alone. Though it sounds cool, I don't really think I could do it now because I have social anxiety.

✧

♋ Cancer: A writer. I really like writing, I don't know why. Authors have been inspiring me since my childhood, I remember I used to read so many books and try to write something of my own based on it. 😅 I like taking notes and then re-writing them more neatly. I like re-doing old homework in a different style and see if I have improved. I really like writing in a diary/a bullet journal too, I feel like it's much better than bothering others with my problems anyway. I also love coming up with random scenarios/stories/characters and writing about it but I don't know if I should share it. Idk, sometimes I feel like my writing is a bit boring or that it's nothing that impressive. So, honestly, if more people took writers seriously instead of thinking it's a hobby as it doesn't always pay well (when did the world even start revolving around money that much, oml) and if I was more confident about my work I'd definitely chose to become a writer/author (I'm still keeping it as a hobby no matter what I end up doing, lol).

✧

♌ Leo: A model. Omg, I honestly don't know why I even thought of it. Probably because I really liked watching ANTM when I was younger (and I specifically chose the American version because the one we have in my country makes me cringe a lot, just hearing girls from my school talking about it is painful). My friends also liked the outfits that I put together or how I would always pose for pictures (a few years ago, I'm too awkward now asdfghjkl). Looking at it now it's just so funny. There's literally so much competition in the name of beauty, the community can get kinda toxic sometimes and the standards are pretty high. Also I'm way too short and I still can't walk like a normal person when wearing high heels lol.

✧

♍ Virgo: A teacher. Specifically, a teacher for elementary or even kindergarten. Back then, the concept of teaching seemed pretty fun to me and I had lots of ideas about how to make class more interesting. The thing is that I have good chemistry with most kids and I actually kinda dislike teenagers because of how rebellious we can get when it comes to school (idk but like teens in my country are like pretty rude to everyone 😐). I'm not so sure about it now, though it's still an option.

✧

♎ Libra: A psychologist. I always liked helping others out and offering advice when they're having a tough time and I was also curious to see what makes each person feel angry, sad or stressed and the way they respond. It's also interesting because you can learn a lot about someone's personality, preferences and way of thinking or understand what caused someone to commit a crime. I still really like psychology and it's one of my main options for uni. The only problem is that psychology is pretty much overrated in my country so people say it's best to choose something else. 😒

✧

♏ Scorpio: A criminologist. And, surprisingly, I still want it. I was always intrigued by things that required research, was interesting in learning what caused a murder/crime to be committed and I would always watch crime thrillers with my dad. I also like it because it's a field of Sociology which is one of my favorite subjects. I'm just hoping finals aren't super difficult so I can get accepted in the college that I want on the first try lol.

✧

♐ Sagittarius: A flight attendant. Back then I found it kinda fun, as I was always curious about what going on a plane is like. It could also be because of their outfits (like the ones you see in movies or in Britney's MV for Toxic, idk why 😅). Plus I would get to travel around the world without paying as much as the passengers. But then, at the age of 14-15 I got on an airplane 4 times and I saw that it wasn't really like the movies and that literally everyone ignored the flight attendant so yeah, it's not an option anymore. ✈️

✧

♑ Capricorn: A fashion designer. So because I would always draw and constantly ask for new crayons/markers and other art supplies, my mom bought me a few coloring books that focused on fashion. It came along with stickers, stencils, ideas for Victorian dressses, advice for how to design lace or mermaid tail dresses and I was so impressed. A few years later, my grandma showed me a few dresses that she had made for my mom when she was younger (which were so gorgeous like I'm definitely going to wear one of them on my graduation day) and taught me sewing. I also got to see these small floral designs that you usually see on lingerie and it was so pretty, I wish I could do it as perfectly as her. I decided to follow my grandma's advice and keep it as a hobby instead (because she ended up doing nothing but designing clothes and repairing them which she regrets 🧵🧶).

✧

♒ Aquarius: An astronaut. This was pretty random, I have to admit. I guess I really liked space and looking at at the stars in the night sky. I read a few books about space and learned a few things about NASA back in elementary too, though I realized that it's something I could never really do, as you have to sacrifice a lot. I'm still fascinated by this profession but there's no way I could ever do it, since I can't even understand basic physics or mathematics. 🤷‍♀️

✧

♓ Pisces: An artist. Honestly I didn't really care if most artists didn't get recognition/fame or if they didn't earn enough money, I just wanted to make art because I liked it. It's also fun because while you are expressing your thoughts through an art piece, another person might interpret it differently, based on their likings and thoughts. Art also plays an active role in my life: I've been drawing and painting since I was 5 and I would always watch the show with Bob Ross on TV with my grandma. Instead of completely giving up on this idea, I thought that I could choose another profession (also my family didn't really like the thought of me doing art for a living 😐) and keep art as a hobby.

[makayla-angelic]

Frozen 2: Movie Review

Tonight, on this lovely November 23rd, 2019 evening, I got my turn to see Frozen 2, with my friend Brianna. The movie started at 6:00 pm and I was a bit surprised to see that the theater wasn’t jam packed with people, but considering it was later in the day, I figured that most people had taken their children, (or just gone themselves) much earlier. There were a lot of previews, and holy moly did they go on forever. But at last, the theater went dark, and with my popcorn almost gone, the film began.

Animation

I thought I might start in the area that really caught my attention first. The animation was crisp, clear, and lovely, everything flowed smoothly. I didn’t see anything that looked “out of the ordinary.” The colors meshed together well, and the Enchanted Forest, and Atohallan was beautiful. The characters faces; you could tell they’ve grown a bit older, especially with the new outfits and hair and all, and you can see all the little details, which I found impressive. Animation takes a lot of time and patience. I miss 2D hand-drawn so much.

Animation rating: 10/10

Music

The soundtrack to me was alright, I feel like I definitely liked the first film’s soundtrack better. Into The Unknown was beautiful, and The Next Right Thing was heartbreaking. I guess Lost In The Woods and When I Am Older were alright, but to me, they felt a bit “unnecessary?” And the songs they kind of hit you one after another like bricks to the face. Part of me was thinking, “wow, this is one song after another!” I know Frozen IS a musical, but I feel like they could have toned it down a bit with how frequent the songs were between each scene. I REALLY enjoyed Vuelie in the film though. It’s such a beautiful piece, and I thought the variations that played throughout the sequel, and the Northuldra tribe singing it was amazing. I’m glad the soundtrack came through in terms of this musical piece. Another I noticed too was the choice of musical instruments. I believe what sounded like some type of flute when they arrived at the mist, and the Lost In The Woods song with that electric guitar in the very beginning, which I thought was “new” and kind of unexpected if that makes any sense.

Soundtrack rating: 7.7/10

Plot

Alright, now here’s where all of you are probably going to rip into me. The storyline was...just there. And rushed. Everything moved fast and seemed just kind of “thrown in”. It starts off with Adgar telling little Elsa and Anna about the enchanted forest and why no one can get in or out and that flows fine, but once we get to present day everything kind of feels like it was played in fast forward and skipped some things. One minute were at the Fall Festival, then were at the Charades scene, next Elsa’s hearing voices and awakens the spirits, then suddenly the gang’s in a sled in their new outfits and arriving at the mist. Woah, woah, woah! Why so sudden and soon with everything? It all happens so quick, and why do they not show them getting dressed in their new outfits? I mean, I was thinking there would at least be a scene of them walking out from behind the wardrobe or closet and all commenting on each other’s new outfits. Even Kristoff’s first attempt at the proposal which I found funny seemed like a quick two-second thing. And I caught the “adult” joke in the film; Anna looks at Kristoff and with a suggestive smirk on her face, asks him what he’d like to do.

 Now, for all you people who think dirty-minded from time to time like I do, if Anna was perhaps suggesting that Kristoff “fondle” her while Elsa and Olaf are in the back sleeping, then that’s a bit messed up, and I’m sure Sven doesn’t want to witness that either. Anyways...from there on, meeting the Northuldra people was nice, but even there, the characters we met, I felt like we should have been given more time to learn and understand them. With characters such as Honeymaren and Ryder it felt like they barely had their place and the snippets and teasers we got before and hyped them up a bit more than what they were actually shown. I also thought that perhaps a “bit more” would happen in between before the gang actually arrives at the Enchanted Forest. I thought Elsa using her ice powers to conjure up the memories was pretty sweet, and the scene with them discovering their parents ship and learning the truth was emotional at its best, next to The Next Right Thing scene. I did find Kristoff still trying to propose to Anna funny, despite the circumstances that were before them. The battle with the Nokk was quick and seemed a bit lack-luster. I was kind of expecting a longer battle, but it felt like Elsa tamed him too quickly and when Elsa created reins to throw on him he’s all like “Kay.” And Elsa rides off on him and they are best friends already. Again Atohallan was beautiful and while I was not expecting Elsa to “die” via freezing I knew something would happen to her. Also, not gonna lie, I wasn’t expecting that King Runeard twist, so some points go there. Elsa becomes the fifth spirit and is re-born the true Snow Queen, Anna lures the Jotnarr to the dam to break it, the spirits release everyone, Elsa stops the tidal flood from hitting Arendelle, and Anna and Elsa re-unite, at least for a little bit, because guess what? Elsa’s staying in the Enchanted Forest, alone and free, away from her beloved sister, while Anna and Kristoff become queen and king. *sigh* This ain’t it. I’m sorry but six years to work on this and 50 re-writes yet this is what happens at the end of this fast-paces story? A separation? Isn’t that kind of going against what the first film was about?

Overall, I would say the plot isn’t terrible terrible but it definitely lacks that umph factor the first movie had. It moved way too fast and at times just seemed very thrown together. And anyway, this sequel was supposed to be a totally different story than what we got now, but it got changed because certain writers listened to the wrong people and Ima just leave it at that. For those that know where I stand within the fandom and have browsed through my blog and/or follow me know exactly what I mean, and feel the same way I do.

Plot rating: 6/10

Characters

I enjoy how Elsa, Anna, Elsa, Olaf, Kristoff, and Sven have grown up physically and changed their appearances and such, but one thing that bothers me is that Elsa and Kristoff still don’t seem to interact that much, and at times to me act like they don’t give two flying monkeys about each other. So at the end when Kristoff runs up to Elsa and hugs her tight, I kind of half-went “Oh so he does care?” Anna is definitely different than how she was in the first film, but she is still a bit anxious and takes things out of context, like I can sometimes. For a second when Kristoff was in the sled and the woods trying to propose to her again and Anna started freaking out wondering if something bad was going to happen to them or Elsa I thought, “Okay, who peeked inside my brain and stole a bit of my personality?” Lol. Elsa is beautiful as always, inside and out, and so is Anna, but I loved Elsa’s sass in the beginning of the Into The Unknown scene. Olaf is still funny, perhaps maybe a tad bit more annoying, but maybe it’s just me. And Sven was well, Sven. Again, I wish we could learn a bit more about Mattias, Yelena, Honeymaren, Ryder. They all just seemed “there.” Hopefully if there’s more Frozen stuff coming or even a potential third film in the coming decade of the 2020′s, there will be exploration and interaction with these characters, and even some adventures with the Northuldra tribe. (Now I’m imagining a spin-off series with Honeymaren and Ryder, brother-sister adventures.)

Character rating: 7.8/10

Final Take

The film just felt...off. It almost felt the equivalent of waking up on the day a project is due for class and you bust the whole thing out in 2 hours before you got to go. You did what you were supposed to do, but the teacher can tell you waited until the last minute, and he/she grades it just like that. Again, I know other people in the fandom are probably going to rip into me, but this is honestly how everything came off to me. Everyone likes and does not like certain things, everybody interprets things in life differently, and for me, I like the first film better. It also hits home a little more personally for me too, because of the message it sends out, which also can be interpreted in many different ways too. After a long time of waiting and being excited since the first news of a Frozen sequel came out only to just feel some type of way once the whole is done and over with after all the hype is mildly depressing and infuriating; especially since the sequel was supposed to be something different than what it is now, and again, Ima leave it at that. 

If whether you’re a person who stands or does not stand where I stand within the fandom and know what I’m getting at, I still encourage you to remain civil and please do not send any angry messages to the creators or anybody else, it’s not the polite or mature thing to do. Having an opinion doesn’t justify rude responses, because at the end of the day, we all have our own feelings. I’m not going to hate you if enjoyed Frozen 2 100% but I will hate any troll messages that anybody might send because I didn’t rate this film the rating you wanted. Alas, I do hope there’s more Frozen in the future to come, for all of us to enjoy together. 

-Makayla <3

[anonymoustoddler]

I Got Stoned And Started Typing To Post On FB (And Ended With Something That Could NEVER Get Posted)

Hah. I hit my vape pen a bunch and then this happened:

This afternoon, after taking way too many hits of my *state tested, clean and safe* vape pen, I was surfing hulu on my laptop while scrolling through facebook on my phone and playing Stardew Valley on the PS4 every few minutes in between and I suddenly, in fact altogether _casually_ thought to myself, “I wonder if I’d want kids and be able to take care of them if I made it to 38?”

And the thing is, that is literally the most positive organic thought I’ve had in my VERY busy, VERY chatty brain in almost two years. It is the first thought I have had regarding a potential future that wasn’t colored by the idea that My Mom Is Dead So Nothing I Could Do In Life Would Mean Anything Or Be Possible Because She Isn’t Here To Experience It Too Or To Help Me Through.

This stoned, distracted, completely mindless and unfocused random little insignificant thought... is the first time in over a year and a half of thinking, that did not immediately end with, “She’s Dead So You Can’t Ever Hope For That Anymore Because It Means Nothing Now That She Can’t Be There To Experience It Or Get To Be Proud Of Me For Once” and also, “Nothing Is Possible Without Her Because Without Her I’m Alone And Unable Forever Unless Someone Else Takes Over Helping Me But That Will Never Happen And I Will Never Be Ok Or Able On My Own.”

I mean, no wonder I’m doing so poorly and also dealing so badly with her death?! Being close was great in a lot of ways and awful in others. Our codependent enmeshment was deeply and traumatically unhealthy. Having to be your mother’s best and only friend at 8 years old is... really weird. And abnormal. But then, so is developing a diagnosable anxiety disorder and eating disorder at FOUR YEARS OLD is kind of abnormal too!

The thing is... some physical aspects of puberty for me started very early. VERY early. All aspects of puberty seemed to start earlier in me than a lot of girls in my class, in my grade. So maybe it makes sense too then that I would develop these psychological issues so early, particularly with the stress and fear of moving from Texas to Michigan and leaving the first friends I remember having, how terrified I was of change and meeting new people, trying to make new friends. I was so painfully and obviously shy. I was so afraid of people.

But anyway. No one caught the anxiety disorder until I did myself.... in college. I lived with a totally unchecked anxiety disorder and pretty high-but-not-yet-extreme depression from the ages of five and eleven/twelve respectively, and the first time I got ANY help was at the age of 19. No wonder I was sick for so long. The fucking eating disorder is suuuuch a perfect(ly horrifying) coping mechanism. And since it was my primary, and often only, coping mechanism for many many many years, as in almost ALL of the first two decades of my life. Two decades of drilling this into myself of How To Relieve Stress And Self Soothe = Disordered Behaviors And NOTHING ELSE.

Is it really any wonder why I’m like this??? I am dealing with the loss of my only family; my best friend by leaps and bounds and freakin lightyears; my entire and very giving safety net - so I could try something new or move away or whatever and I knew I was safe because if it didn’t work out or I tanked I could ALWAYS go home. Always.

I’m also dealing with the loss of... the person who never let me try things because she was a control freak so I could never learn from her; the person who taught me the

passive aggressive ➡️ passive aggressive ➡️ very aggressive

method of responding to interpersonal relations, which I mean... how could anything go wrong?! 🙃🙃🙃

I’m dealing with the loss of a relationship where my mom once, in all seriousness, asked me if I’d have a baby if I didn’t have to take care of it, she would take care of it for me.

Like, I know part of her was “joking” but... she wanted to be a grandmother. She wanted to see me have a career, a family, security.

But also who sort of benefited from my continued illness; my inability to cope or work; my low functionality, my constant need of help, support, and validation... they made her SO frustrated but also kept her busy and kept her from being alone, kept me with her but also sometimes was too much for her so it was upsetting, because surprise - crazy people gon turn up a notch higher than you can predict, and don’t ever forget that.

I am mourning this relationship that either fully shaped or strongly influenced almost every issue I have now. I don’t mean to shirk responsibility, just to be clear - I have to actually try as much as is literally possible to fix the things in me that are broken. I have to find a therapist and go to therapy. Trust my doctors, try a hundred different meds that might ALL make me horribly sick or even more crazy or both as side effects while still trying to build some kind of life. Maybe, eventually, find one, but also... get out of bed every day. Shower, brush your teeth, get dressed, GET OUT. Grab your coat boots keys purse and go outside. Make it into your car, drive it down a few blocks (depending on where you want coffee/are you reading a book or can you play HP there/etc), get coffee and sit and read or play a bit or work lines or whatever. Make your to do list there! Lay out a plan for the day. Schedule at least two work items then set a timed break for video games or whatever. When the alarm goes off, you MUST get back to work. Two to three more items earns a longer break to play OR taking care of any other immediate need stuff and then going out or something.

If you want to get some casual exercise, go to either mall. Walk around for Shopkick, the game, and to get your blood flowing at least a teensy bit while working out rarely used muscles and burning juuuuust a few calories.

You spend SO much goddamned money on delivery, when actually — Going out yourself is SO much better for you. It is obviously MUCH cheaper, but it’s also good to get out of the house even if only going to and from the car and into the store or restaurant or whatever, and it’s very VERY important to drive the car regularly, to keep the battery functional and the guts ok. ((Also RE: CARS — Next warm day, that Prius goes through an intense car wash. Need to get that shit out so it stops stinking, prob growing mold ugh ugh need fix!))

But I mean JUST THINK how much money you’d have left, maybe to even treat yourself to better things, and also if I stop ordering, I will 100% lose weight. So muck fucking weight lmao. And with a job, I’ve got two sources of income coming in! And hopefully still medicaid for as long as I can possibly have it 😭

This got REALLY away from my stoned assssss BUT. The original point is this:

I thought about myself as potentially being alive six years from now, which is very much not what I see lately but which, for once, didn’t automatically sound like a punishment, and I thought of myself six years older and wondering if I might be better enough to be an ok caregiver and also have a relationship that could sustain children coming in, and I was able to and did have one?? That’s SO bananas to me lol. It made me feel... weirdly hopeful though.

[gdiwes]

Revisited my Mew girls today, because I had the MIGHTY NEED for some soft PlumPasshon content lmao I wanna digital them and turn them into a sticker :’3c Also some concepts for Plum, and my other girl, Lychee! More below the cut since it’s LONG. 

Mew Plum

Name: Kuroki Plum (Puramu)

Fruit: Plum

Animal: Salt-Marsh Mouse

Color: Purple/Violet

Weapon: Shukuhaki flute. She plays different melodies to change the attacks. 

Attack: Ribbon Plute Dance/Guard/Sever, Ribbon Plum-Flute etc. 

Likes: Himura Passhon (her GF!!!), soft foods, mice (she has two as pets!), sour fruits, reading, quiet places, studying in the library, classical music, arcade FPS games. 

Dislikes: Milk, bugs, accounting (even though she’s pretty good at it), rainy days, tight or short clothing, letting her anxieties get the best of her, being unprepared for LITERALLY anything. 

TL;DR of her and Passhon’s story is that some Chimera Anima were left over and the Mews stayed together to finish eradicating them. However, someone started harnessing them to combine with humans and make ‘Rotten Mews,’ based off invasive species. Plum was one of them but was eventually separated from the Anima by Passhon. They started working together at the cafe although Passhon continued her job as a Mew Mew. Plum eventually had Ryou re-combine her genes so she could help Passhon against the final boss lol 

Her attacks are the same as Passhon’s. When she uses Dance, her flute becomes a sword/dagger she uses to attack with. Shield creates a defensive bubble around her and up to two other people if they’re close. Sever is an attack she doesn’t retain after becoming a Mew Mew, but it acted the same as Passhon’s Aqua Ribbon Extract; still, it sometimes would pull her out of her transformation in addition to the Mew she hit. 

When she was controlled by a Chimera Anima, she went by Rotten Plum and called her attack ‘Corrupted Plute.’

She goes to the same school as Berry. Although Passhon at first thought she was serious and cold/distant, Plum’s actually just pretty anxious and prefers not to interact. She’s quite an airhead and spaces out more often than not. Passhon has better grades than her so they often study together. 

While Passhon works as a maid at the cafe, Plum works as a butler. She’s pretty popular amongst the other girls who visit, and it works out that they often just admire her from afar. 

She likes FPS games but she’s really really bad at them. 

Mew Lychee

Name: Inari Lychee

Fruit: Lychee

Animal: Like Berry, she’s mixed with two: A deer and a bear. 

Color: White/Soft Red

Weapon: Bell Boxers, she is the Master of Punching Things. 

Attack: Ribbon Deeryu Lychock, Ribbon Dear You Lychee Shock. She often shortens it to Lyshika Shock lmao

Likes: Being in the spotlight, vegetables, flexing and letting people touch her biceps, her older sister, boxing/kick boxing/wrestling, pop music esp kpop/jpop and other idol music, seeing people do little good deeds and doing small good deeds of her own.  

Dislikes: Fast food, having to focus for long amounts of time, having pent up energy, lizards, screamo rock, when her sister scolds her, haggling, jelly ironically, taming her bedhead. 

TL;DR of her story, it happens either in conjunction with or slightly after A La Mode. She wakes up with partial amnesia and only bits/pieces of her memories, and quickly finds out she was in a coma for six months. When she finds her mew pendant, she remembers transforming but doesn’t really know how or why she came to be a Mew Mew. Eventually she starts making a name for herself as an ‘idol heroine’ by putting herself constantly in the spotlight, all in hopes that someone who knows her would come to meet her and help her figure out what being a Mew Mew means. Somehow, she didn’t think that it would also draw enemies to her as well...

Lychee is super easily excitable. She has a pretty one-track mind and anything she does between her first step and final goal are just means to ends. She’ll find ways to justify things that distract her, especially if she HAS to do them but doesn’t want to. She can be pretty high wis low int, where she knows a lot of general knowledge/common sense and uses it, but often times just throws caution and planning to the wind and reacts on gut instinct. Because of this, she’s really good at boxing.

When she first got into a fight after her coma, she realized how much muscle she’d lost and embarked on a journey to get ripped again. 

She looks pretty different when she’s not transformed, sporting brown hair and eyes. Her hair’s color is lifted and her black roots show through. When transformed she has white hair and soft red eyes.  

She doesn’t actually go to school, but instead takes online and weekend classes.

Her sister, Zeri (Jelly) works for the police force and is her legal guardian. Lychee at first was stopping petty crimes like muggings and convenience store robberies and kept turning the culprits in to Zeri. Since Lychee is almost always on the news and almost always filmed bringing people in, Zeri is often getting asked to do interviews. She always turns down the offers. 

I have an idea for her story where she runs into some of the Mews and they’re apprehensive of her because at one point she attacked them but doesn’t remember doing it. This is probably what happened in conjunction with A La Mode, where she fell to mind control and ended up getting accidentally injured while fighting the other Mews. I’d have to work out the probability of this actually happening though lol