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honeyhotteoks · 1 year

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this night together - chapter nine (j.yh + s.mg)

chapter nine: too little too late

chapter summary: you probably would have preferred the cold shoulder. yunho and mingi find out about your heat, and things get harder.

warnings: this chapter is a pain train. no other warnings except angst and consistent references to heat and all that goes with that.

notes: i'm SO glad you all enjoyed chapter eight!! it was a fun one. please enjoy the moment many of you have been waiting for..... yungi's return and everything that comes with that. good luck because oof our y/n is going through it.

pairings: alpha!yunho x alpha!mingi x omega!reader

genre: smut, a/b/o/omegaverse, angst, fluff, romance, polyamory

word count: 6.3k

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You expect to see them immediately when you walk into the studio a little early on Monday but it’s painfully empty. The back office door is shut and locked tight, so you know Yunho hasn’t been in yet and if he’s not here, neither is Mingi. It feels familiar, and you’re starting to wonder if every heat is going to end with them throwing a tantrum.

“You just going to stand there?” Wooyoung’s voice nearly knocks you sideways and you jump in your shoes.

“Don’t do that!” You spin on your heel and smack his shoulder.

“You’re literally staring at a door,” Wooyoung levels you with a look, “I’m trying to pull you back down to reality so you can make it through this stupid day,”

“Fine,” You sigh, “I guess… I don’t know, do I look okay?”

He rolls his eyes, “You know you do,”

“I just don’t want,” You start but the sound of the heavy back door to the studio startles you once again and your heart lands squarely in your throat when you see them.

They barely look at you. A swift, fast glance, just enough for you to know they’ve seen you. Your hands suddenly feel slick and clammy and your stomach starts churning immediately.

“Hey,” Wooyoung steps around you to grab their attention and break the sudden awkward tension in the hall, “did anyone ever call to get the lights in Studio 3 fixed?”

Yunho blinks, almost confused by his words but then he recovers, “Uh, no, I thought they were fixed already,”

“Out again,” Wooyoung shakes his head, “I think it’s electrical if the bulbs keep blowing,”

Mingi listens for a moment, but the moment he’s sure this conversation has nothing for him he simply says, “I’ll catch you guys later,” and then he’s pushing past the two of them to cut down the hallway.

He doesn’t look at you at all.

Yunho watches him go and then refocuses on Wooyoung, “I’ll call someone,” he says, “is it the whole back panel again?”

“I’ll show you,” Wooyoung gestures down the hall, throwing a fast glance at you that communicates so much with just one flick of his eyes - Don’t follow, you’re welcome, you owe me.

As Yunho turns away from you to follow Wooyoung down the hallway you mouth a thank you and watch them go. The cold shoulder you can deal with, you’re almost too practiced with that at this point, so at least you can breathe a little easier and get back to work.

You bottle it all right back up, and even though the day has been terrible and long and awkward, you know that San’s right. It’s your studio too. You’ve missed things being out for your leave and you have to catch up quickly to stay an unshakeable member of this group. All you have to do is focus on the work.

You know you probably have to talk to them at some point, but you really didn’t think it would be today of all days. You thought they’d go back to the way it was before, an entire day of their tense glances communicated that clearly. But suddenly Mingi’s in front of you while you’re tucked up on the computer in the corner of one of the studios rewatching a cut of today’s practice and you know it’s going to be now, now or never.

“So, you’re good?” He asks suddenly, a little starting since you had expected him to just pass you by without a word, just like the rest of the day behind you.

“What?” You manage, swiveling around in your chair.

“You’re good?” He asks again, but his face is blank, passive.

You open your mouth to answer but Yunho’s voice from the side has your head snapping towards it.

“Mingi,” Yunho’s voice is firm, “let’s go.”

“One sec,” Mingi doesn’t look away from you.

“I said let’s go,” Yunho shakes his head.

“Hey,” Mingi starts and then Yunho looks at you.

“Can you lock up if you’re not leaving?” He asks, jaw tightening as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

“Sure,” You manage.

“Mingi, let’s go.” Yunho’s attention leaves you instantly, and you’ve never felt more invisible to him.

“Bro,” Mingi shakes his head, “can you fuck off for one second?”

“No, I’m getting in the car, do you want a ride or not?” Yunho’s jaw jumps in frustration.

Mingi mutters something under his breath and then meets your eyes again, “y/n,”

“Yeah?” You’re so overwhelmingly confused.

“I said, are you good?”

“Why wouldn’t I be good?” Your brows draw together.

Mingi shuts his mouth tightly, his hands forming loose fists and then he nods once, “Fine,”

“What’s going on with you two?” Your eyes dart between them, the anger in the room so palpable. They’ve been cold, they’ve been passive, but they’ve never, ever been angry with you. Not like this.

There’s a long beat of silence and then finally Yunho speaks, “Are you serious?”

“What?”

“You disappear for three days,” Yunho drops his gym bag and looks to you, “and you can’t even answer a single fucking text message, and you want to know what’s going on with us?”

Your stomach clenches hard, his dark eyes boring into you now and you need him to look away. “I was on heat leave,” You say clearly, “you got the paperwork, I know you did.”

They’re both silent.

“Look,” You sigh, and it’s already harder to maintain the wall than you thought it would be, “I’m sorry I didn’t text you back, that was shitty, but I was a little preoccupied,”

Yunho grimaces.

“Yunho, jesus,” You push yourself up off the chair and take a few steps towards them, “I don’t know what you want from me,”

“We were worried,” Mingi offers, and his voice is still low and firm, but his words at least are a little kinder.

“Well, I appreciate that, but I was fine.”

Yunho huffs, and you can almost see him fighting an eye roll. Anger bubbles inside you at their entitlement over you and your time and you can’t stop your mouth or your hot head now.

“Seriously,” You square your shoulders towards him, “Yunho, we’re friends so I feel like I can say this, but you’re acting like an asshole right now.”

“I’m acting like an asshole?” His voice gets sharp at the end, anger radiating in him.

“Yes!” You push farther into his space, “Sharing a heat together doesn’t mean I owe you something,”

His jaw jumps at your words.

“No one’s saying that,” Mingi cuts in immediately, physically pushing between you both and holding his hands up.

“Tell that to him,” You nod towards Yunho.

Yunho stays silent.

Mingi keeps his hands up, “Listen,” he catches your eyes, “no one’s angry. We just didn’t hear from you for three days, we didn’t know if you were somewhere safe. That’s all.”

“Well, I was,” You assure him, “I had everything handled, I’m back on my suppressants,”

“I know,” Mingi nods, and you suppose he would be able to tell, with your scent dampened.

“What about onboarding?” Yunho pipes in and you crane around Mingi to see him. His cheeks are flushed pink, and you can see how frustrated he is, but he tries to ask this question a bit more softly.

“What about it?” You give him one more chance, just one.

Yunho clears his throat and says again, “Onboarding. Mingi said it can be a lot, like before,”

“I had it covered,” You assure him.

“I just thought,” Yunho shifts from foot to foot, trying to find his words, “I thought maybe if it was as hard as before you’d be out of it, and I, I don’t know,”

You want to be mad at him, you really do, but that part of his fear makes sense to you. When you think about your time with them and how much you don’t quite remember perfectly, how hard it was to make it home, you get it.

“Honestly,” You exhale, relaxing the tension a bit, “I am sorry I didn’t text you back. I can understand why you were worried,”

His shoulders relax with yours, “I’m sorry too,”

You can’t say it’s okay, but you nod, glancing up to Mingi who’s seemed to soften up a bit too. There’s a long beat between you and finally Mingi asks, “So, we’re good?”

“Yeah,” You nod, “we’re good,”

Yunho nods and agrees, “I am really sorry, I really was just worried about you,”

“I know,” You nod, “I think I should have just texted you, but I didn’t know what to say,”

“Yeah,” Mingi laughs a little, just a huff and he runs his hand through his short hair, “that’s fair,”

You smile too and press your hands to your cheeks for a little cool relief, letting out a long sigh as the tension starts to release. It could end here, they could say goodbye and goodnight and you could finish up and then it would be over, but when Yunho shifts and glances between the two of you, you know immediately it won’t be so simple.

“Well,” Yunho clears his throat, “next time if you’d rather not be alone, you know, I think we’ve done pretty good at staying friends,”

“Oh,” Your heart feels like it might just fall straight out of your chest, “Yunho, I,”

“It was weird for a couple of weeks,” He adds, “but,”

You know you just have to say it, you have to get it out of your mouth before you can’t, and the words bubble up sharp and sudden, “I wasn’t alone,”

“You weren’t?” Mingi’s brows shoot up.

Yunho falls silent, ears running dark pink.

“No,” You shake your head, “I wasn’t,”

“Of course you weren’t,” Yunho manages, “sorry, that was… I don’t know why I assumed,”

“Probably because I told you that’s what I normally do,” You soften, “so I understand why you were worried, but I’m telling you that I was fine, taken care of,”

He asks it like he can’t help himself, the word falling right off his tongue, “Who?”

You take a half step back, shaking your head, “Yunho, no,”

“Why not? We’re friends,” Mingi rationalizes.

They suddenly look so much like jealous lovers you can’t breathe. Something deep in your gut must have been right all along about them, and you don’t know why you can’t stop making this same mistake over and over again. Your biology must really want you to fall for a guy like this but as harsh as the twist in your gut feels, you push it back, refusing to submit.

“No,” You turn on your heel, “I’m leaving,”

Hands on your arms pull you back and twist you around in Mingi’s hold, “Fuck,” he says, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, that was so out of line,”

“You don’t get to ask, okay?” You push him off, putting a foot of distance between you.

“I know that, we know that,” Mingi nods, holding your gaze and trying to diffuse whatever this conversation has become, “it was stupid, forget it,”

Yunho moves closer, stopping by Mingi’s side to give you the same distance, “Completely stupid, I’m sorry,”

You’re already so sick of them apologizing, but you swallow tightly and try to let it go, “Okay,”

“Only,” Yunho pauses, debating on whether or not he should say this and your breath catches in your throat, “only, why didn’t you call us?”

“What?” You can barely believe him.

“You don’t have to tell us anything,” Yunho says, looking quickly at Mingi who nods, “I just… I thought you would have called us, and when I saw the paperwork and you didn’t answer I thought maybe something happened.”

The stretching silence between you is crushing you. A flare of anger bubbles in your belly, “You said my heat before was a one time thing.”

“I never said that.”

“You did,” You shake your head, and now you just can’t stop the words, “and you know what, Yunho? Maybe this wouldn’t have been so hard and confusing if you didn’t treat me like I was invisible for weeks after we had sex,”

“You were avoiding me too,” His tongue is quick when he’s angry and you can almost see the regret in his eyes but he doubles down, “both of us.”

“I’m not going to listen to this,” You cheeks flare with angry blush, “I’m done. We work together, that’s it. I don’t know what you want from me, I’ll get whiplash if you keep-”

Your words die on your tongue, your back connecting with the hard studio wall behind you. You don’t see Mingi coming, your eyes steady on Yunho and you’re about to throw up your hands and leave again when Mingi collides into you, his lips on yours.

“Mingi!” You squeak against his mouth.

“Please,” He pleads, shaking his head.

His body feels so good you might lose your mind entirely. His plush mouth stays on yours, tongue dipping between your lips to flick along yours. His scent envelops you, his hot hands holding you against him, and you melt into him as your body responds to him. He kisses like you’re his only lifeline, messy and hungry and pouring desperation into you ounce by ounce. Your hand tightens on his back. He hitches your leg up onto his hip, pressing your body open for him to slot between your legs.

Your eyes stay shut as he kisses his way down your jaw, nipping along your skin until his mouth is on your throat, ghosting softly over your pulsepoint. Your mind is spinning, flooded hot, everything falling away and then it all stops.

Mingi stiffens, body locking up and you hear him take a deep inhale of breath. He rocks back away from you, “Seonghwa?”

“What?” Yunho’s voice re-enters the mix.

Mingi steps away from you and you brace your body against the wall, finding your feet under you and trying to catch your breath, “Don’t,”

“I’m right,” Mingi’s face knits up in confusion, his fists tighten, “fuck,”

Yunho looks stricken.

“You slept with Seonghwa?” Mingi repeats.

“Don’t,” You repeat, anger curling inside you and you push off the wall, “we’re friends and maybe I should have texted you, but that’s all we are, you made that perfectly fucking clear after my heat. You don’t get to treat me like I cheated or try to mark your fucking territory,” You scrub your hand across your throat where Mingi kissed you, where he let his tongue linger.

“We’re not together,” You reiterate, “we’re not in love, or soulmates, or scent matches, or whatever the fuck else people say. We had sex, that’s it.”

The words are out there, dropped between you like lead and you realize coldly somewhere in the back of your mind, you can never take that back.

Yunho and Mingi stand stock still at the grenade dropped between you, but then Yunho shifts forwards one step with a tight inhalation of breath.

“That’s not all it was for me,” He manages, and when you meet his eyes your resolve nearly, nearly crumbles.

“Whatever you feel for me isn’t real, it’s biology,” You shake your head, trying to catch your breath and keep your words straight. If they loved you before they would have come to you then, you just have to hold onto that truth.

“Don’t tell me what I feel,” Yunho looks away from you, his hands tight, “don’t patronize me.”

“This is why we should have never,” You shake your head, looking at Mingi like you might see a scrap of reason in his eyes, but you see nothing, pure passive inattention like he’s shut down and left the conversation.

“y/n,” Yunho shakes his head, “I’m not some lovesick virgin,”

“I know that,” You sigh, “I didn’t mean,”

“You did,” Yunho interrupts, “and if you don’t feel the same about us, just say it.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” You feel like you’ve entered an entirely different narrative, “You said you wanted to be friends, isn’t that what we are?”

“Friends don’t kiss like that,” Mingi admits gruffly.

“You kissed me,” You manage.

“y/n,” Mingi says softly, “I felt it, the way you kissed me back, touched me… there’s something there,”

“Is that what this is about?” Your jaw tightens, “You think I’m yours?”

Mingi’s jaw snaps shut, muscles jumping.

Yunho shakes his head, bringing you back to his eyes, “No,” he sighs, “but,”

“But what?” You won’t cry, not here, “You’re perfectly fine treating me like I’m invisible until another alpha gets a little too close? I’m a person! A whole entire person, I’m not an omega for you to… to…”

“I know that!” Yunho exclaims, “I like you. We like you, it has nothing to do with designation,”

“That’s the most naive sentence I’ve ever heard,” You take a step back, away, closer to the mirrored wall, “if that were true why didn’t you say anything weeks ago?”

“I didn’t know then,” He insists, looking to Mingi for help but finding none in his vacant eyes.

“That’s what I’m saying,” You sigh, exasperated, “you’re just realizing it now? Right when I spend my heat with another alpha? You’re confused.”

“It’s not confusion,” Mingi says simply, “we’re not stupid.”

“So, you both have feelings for me? Is that what you’re saying?” You bite back, and you clench your fist tight. You won’t cry.

They say nothing, silence filling the room like smoke and you need to get out.

“After we spent that time together,” You take a steadying breath, “I missed you both so much it hurt. All the time. I would convince myself not to come to your place and knock on the door and… and I don’t know what I wanted. I thought about you all the time, and the things you said and did for me. I missed you so much it made me sick,”

“Then,” Yunho starts, his voice small but you shake your head.

“But you didn’t want me,” You insist, “you spent weeks making sure I knew it. Every day you wouldn’t look at me, you wouldn’t talk to me, I’ve never felt so small.”

Mingi’s eyes cloud and he drops his head.

“And it was hard, but the things I felt for you went away,” You press, despite the tightness in your chest, “with a little time and space, it went away. I know you both care about me, and I care about you, but you don’t love me.”

“I don’t accept that,” Yunho shakes his head, moving forwards before you can process it, his arms around you as he tucks you into his chest, “how can you say that when this feels the way it does?”

Your head throbs with the scent of him, washing through you and making your limbs go soft and your heartbeat slow to a stutter instead of a pounding thump, but your brain clicks back into place and you wriggle in his arms, “Let me go,”

He leans away, cupping your cheek in his hand to draw your face up to his gaze, “Don’t you?” He manages, voice cracking gently.

You’re dizzy, mind flooded and confused, but you try, “I don’t,”

His thumb strokes a gentle line over your cheekbone, shifting just a little closer, “y/n,”

“Yunho,” You manage, your voice shaking as you try to stay level, “if you kiss me now, there’s nothing for us.”

His brow creases as he studies your eyes, exhaling an unsteady breath.

“I’ll go, I’ll find another studio.” You grip your hand tight and let your nails dig into your soft palm, “I need you to let me go, please, let me go,”

His arms fall away, and he takes two sizable steps back, running a hand through his hair, “After everything, that’s it?”

“It has to be,” Your eyes feel prickly, “I’ve moved on. I need you both to do the same. Find someone else, another omega. I know you think you want me, but it’s just your alphas talking. And maybe we could have been more than this, but you hurt me, you both did, and I’ve moved on.”

“I shouldn’t have kissed you,” Mingi manages.

“No,” You shake your head, “you shouldn’t have.”

“I’m sorry,” His voice is small.

“This,” Yunho tries to say something, but his voice is thick with emotion and he clears his throat, words dying on his lips.

“I’m sorry too,” You finally add, “and I thought we could go back to being friends, but this, it hurts too much.”

“What do we do?” Yunho asks, voice hollow.

“I need some space,” You swallow tightly, “we’ll do the work, but that’s it. If we ever have a shot at being friends someday, at feeling like this isn’t always there… that’s what I need, and maybe we can fix this.”

“Okay,” Mingi says.

“Tour,” Yunho takes a deep breath, and you realize now that he has tears flooding his eyes that he’s doing his best to blink away, “we’ll be gone for months,”

He’s right, in a matter of weeks they’ll be gone with a small group of the BB Trippin dance crew to Europe. You have your focus here with the newly debuting group alongside Dahan and Yujin, but they don’t, they’re leaving with New World and it would be almost three full months until they’d be back in Korea.

“Good,” You breathe, ignoring the pit forming in your stomach at the thought of not seeing them, “then let’s just get through the next few weeks, but after that you go. Don’t text me, don’t call me, just… move on.”

Silence stretches, but Yunho nods.

If you stay here for one more minute you’re going to cry, “I have to go,”

He nods again.

There’s more to say, you can feel it, but you can’t do it now and you have to push yourself to get out the door. You push past them as quickly as you can, eyes on the door in front of you, but Yunho follows behind and catches you once more in the hall.

“y/n,” He doesn’t touch you, but calls after you in the hall, but you don’t turn around you can’t. If you look at him one more time you’ll cry, you’ll go back, you’ll throw all the things you said to the side just to feel his arms around you one more time or Mingi’s lips on yours and you can’t. You have to be better than this, for yourself.

You stop though and turn your head just a little to let him know you’re listening.

“I’m,” His voice tightens and hitches, “I’m really fucking sorry we lost you,”

Hot tears overflow at his words, spilling over down your cheeks and you drop your head and nod. You grip your hands tighter and steady yourself and hope to god that your voice will hold up, “Me too,”

He takes a tight, wet inhale and you have to move, one more second in this hallway and you’ll want nothing more than to comfort him, to soothe your alpha and smooth this moment over, but the latent thought of him as yours strikes panic in your chest and you push forward down the hall.

You round the corner at the end by the office, and the image of him coming out of the doorway that first night won’t leave you alone, the way he softened when he saw you in heat, the way he took you in his arms.

You stifle a sob with your hand over your lips, and then you’re running. Out of here, away from this, and you don’t know where you’re going until you get there, every step a blur.

You knock fast on San’s door, and you feel bad about crashing their night, but you can barely breathe and you need to see a friendly face or you just might fall apart. You had gotten your tears under control on your way over, out of sheer embarrassment that you were crying in the middle of the street, but tightness gathers in your throat now as you wait for an answer to the door and pins prick the back of your eyes.

You hear shuffling on the opposite side of the door, a hand on the knob, and tears spill over already.

San’s smiling when he opens the door, looking over his shoulder back into the main living space and finishing saying something to Wooyoung who’s inside, and your breath hitches.

His eyes settle on you, “y/n?” His face falls as he sees your tears, “What?”

“S-San,” Your tears rush faster, your words cut off in a sob and you launch yourself forwards to collide with his chest, wrapping your arms around his neck and burying your face in his shoulder, sobs wracking yours.

“Hey, hey, hey,” He stumbles back, wrapping his arms around you, “what’s going on?”

“y/n’s here?” Wooyoung’s voice comes from the side and you can’t stop yourself from crying harder.

“I need you to breathe,” San soothes you, his voice low, “I need you to tell me what happened,”

You shake your head into his neck, hiccuping as you do.

“Are you hurt?” He presses, one of his hands sliding up your sides to search your body, “I need you to talk to me,”

You drag in a shaky breath, but Wooyoung sees you now and jumps forwards, “Is she hurt?”

“Woo,” San interrupts him, “hang on, okay, just,”

“I’m,” You clear your throat, “I’m not hurt,”

San exhales heavily, relieved at your words and nods, cupping the back of your head, “Alright, just breathe,”

“What the hell happened?” Wooyoung says.

“I know as much as you do,” San says, “just grab her stuff and let’s get inside,”

“Yeah,” You hear Wooyoung moving, picking up your bag from the floor outside his apartment door, and then you hear it click shut.

“y/n,” San tries again as you try to get your breathing under control, “can you tell me what happened?”

“I t-talked to Yunho and Mingi,” You murmur wetly into his shirt.

“What the fuck did those idiots do?” Wooyoung’s hand settles between your shoulder blades as he shifts closer to try and catch your eyes.

“It’s a mess,” You manage.

“Woo,” San says softly, “get her a glass of water,”

“But,” Wooyoung starts.

“Go.” San insists.

Wooyoung’s hand leaves you.

“y/n,” San says, “come inside and sit down,”

You peel yourself away from him, covering your face immediately as tears continue to roll down your cheeks, but San steers you inside with a warm arm until you’re sinking down onto the couch.

“Water,” Wooyoung says, holding an icy cold glass in his hand and taking his spot on the extended length of the sectional so he can angle towards you and see your face, “drink this,”

He presses the glass into your hands and you take a shaky sip, the cold shocking your brain a little as you try to get a little more down.

San tugs the coffee table a little closer and takes a seat on the wood top and then leans forward to catch your eyes, elbows resting on his knees, “Can you tell us what happened?”

You sigh deeply and then recover your breath, wiping your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater, “They know,”

“About this weekend?” San surmises.

“Just Seonghwa,” You clarify, taking another sip of water, “they were so angry, I didn't want to tell them the rest,”

“Fucking assholes,” Wooyoung curses, his jaw tightening as he looks away.

“What else?” San’s voice is gentle, so unlike confident alpha tone you had gotten used to, “You can tell us,”

“They… I mean, Yunho… he said that they,” The words get jumbled in your mind as you flash back to the studio room, “it’s all so fucked, they’re acting like this is…”

“Babe,” Wooyoung plucks the glass from your hands and passes it to San, returning his hands to yours so he can steady your shakes, “you’re not making a lot of sense, and I’m about two seconds from driving over to their place and castrating them. I need you to please tell me they didn’t do anything stupid,”

“Youngie,” San sighs, exasperated.

You shake your head, “No,” you manage, “they have feelings for me, they said… when they found out about my heat they were so…”

“Now?” Wooyoung’s eyebrows go high, “Now they have feelings for you?”

“That’s basically what I said,” Your lips turn up in the smallest smile.

“What else?” San cuts through the commentary.

“If they had said something, anything weeks ago,” You trail off.

“They didn’t though,” San reminds you, “and that’s on them. Not on you.”

“So you fought?” Wooyoung surmises.

You wipe your eyes again and nod, “It was awful,”

“I’m sorry,” Wooyoung takes your hands in his, smoothing his thumbs over the back of your knuckles, “We all knew they might be upset, we shouldn’t have left you alone,”

“I handled it,” You shake your head, the telltale feeling of a migraine coming on in the back of your skull from how many tears you’ve shed, “I… just - I don’t know why this is so hard,”

San shifts forwards, cupping your cheek in his hand and soothing you, “How about you stay over tonight? We can order some takeout and just forget about this for now,”

“I’ve got soju if you need a drink,” Wooyoung adds, “whatever you need, we’re here,”

“I just want to know what to do,” You push San’s hands away and drag your fingers through your hair, “it shouldn’t be this hard,”

“How did you leave it?” Wooyoung asks gently, hand on your knee.

Yunho’s words in the hallway strike back through your chest, but you shake your head, “Kind of terribly,”

“Okay,” He prompts you for a little more.

“I told them to go on tour and to not contact me so we can get some space,” You say it in a single breath and then you duck your head in your hands again.

“Damn,” Wooyoung grimaces.

“I know,” You sniff back fresh tears, “maybe I should have stayed, but, I just… I couldn’t,”

“y/n,” San pulls your hands down and takes them in his, smoothing his thumbs over the soft hollows of your palms, “you did the right thing. Space is good,”

“Is it?” You said it, and in the moment you believed it, but months without speaking to them feels like torture.

“It’s good,” He nods, wiping away your tears, “you need time to figure out how you feel and they need time to do the same. You’re never going to be able to get it if you’re working on top of each other every day,”

You let San’s words sink in and you know he’s right. All of the talking and the not talking with them up to this point had just left your relationship a jumbled mess. Time away could fix this. You knew it deep in your gut in the studio as you backed out the door and you know it now.

With a deep breath you scrub your hands under your eyes to clear away the last remnants of tears and any smudged mascara and you nod, “Woo,” you face him, “where’s that soju?”

“On it,” He grins, “I know exactly what you need,”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Wooyoung hops up and heads for San’s kitchen, “Beer, soju, and junk food. I’m making chapagetti,”

You groan, knowing exactly what your body is going to feel like tomorrow.

“At least put some protein on it,” San calls back, “for the love of god,”

“Sannie,” Wooyoung says, his head clearly in the fridge at the muffled tone, “just let me work my magic,”

“Mhm,” San shakes his head.

“I’m going to be so hungover tomorrow aren’t I?”

“Definitely,” San laughs, “but you can crash here, we’ll take care of you.”

You nod, knowing they absolutely will.

When Wooyoung hands you the cold glass of beer and the shot you clink your glass with him and knock it back in sync and for a little while you put it all out of your mind.

It isn’t until later, in the safe darkness of San’s bedroom with your best friends on either side of you, that you feel like the words might make it out of your mouth without it all ending around you. The alcohol in your system has started to dissipate, leaving you exhausted and a little heavy feeling, but your thoughts are starting to stitch back together and you just have to tell them.

You’re snuggled tight to Wooyoung’s chest, your forehead pressed to his sternum, San behind you but not really touching you, just laying on his back and staying close enough to give you the comfort of another body. You can’t stop replaying it, seeing them when they realized you had been with not just someone else but someone they knew.

You don’t know what possesses you, but in the darkness you murmur, “Mingi kissed me,”

Wooyoung’s breathing hitches for just a moment as he registers your words, but he recovers cleanly, his fingers just running over your hair again and again, “When?”

“Tonight,” You shift, pushing yourself to lie on your back between the two of them, “I think he was trying to show me he meant it,”

They let your words sit there for a moment, and then Wooyoung turns to look at you, “How do you feel about it?”

“Stupid,” You exhale, answering honestly, “really fucking stupid,”

“Why?” San props up on one arm, hand on his cheek and brow furrowed as he looks down at you.

You feel the outline of his mouth on yours again, his hands and how they held you, how much he poured into one moment just to get you to understand. “Because,” You answer, “all I could think about was how much I missed him,”

“y/n,” Wooyoung murmurs, “do you think they meant it? That their feelings are real?”

“Maybe,” You say, “but the timing,”

“Yeah,”

“And besides,” You shake your head, “I said some things I shouldn’t have,”

“Like?” San asks.

“I told them they fucked it up,” You blink back tears, “and that we weren’t soulmates and that they’re wrong,”

“Oh,” San says, “that’s direct,”

“I know,” You groan, dropping your hands over your eyes, “I was just so angry,”

“Space will be good then,” Wooyoung offers, “you all need a breather.”

“There’s no easy way to work together when that’s how you left it,” San points out, “so time away gives you all a chance to rethink some things and get some clarity,”

“What if,” The words die in your throat.

“What?” San nudges you.

“What if they come back and nothing’s fixed,” You sigh, “what if it’s worse?”

“You won’t know it until it happens,” San takes your hand in his, lacing your fingers together, “you can’t control everything, y/n, sometimes you just have to let things work out.”

You nod, and then you ask the question you’ve been afraid of since you walked out the studio door, “Should I have just stayed? If… if they do have feelings for me, and they’re real, should I have just stayed?”

“It would have been easier,” Wooyoung murmurs, “but babe, you’d still have the same questions,”

“Yeah,” You breathe, stomach in knots.

“Tour is soon,” San reminds you, “you got through weeks of the cold shoulder last time, you can do this,”

You nod.

“It’s late,” Wooyoung comments.

“I know,” You murmur.

“It’s going to be okay,” San says, “I know it will.”

“You’re right,” You breathe, “I just think it shouldn’t be this hard, if we were meant to work out, shouldn’t it be easier than this?”

They’re quiet for a moment and then San sighs, “Probably,”

Wooyoung turns and looks at him, his lips closing before he shrugs and rolls towards you, snuggling up to your side.

“What?” You nudge him, reading through his silence.

“Nothing,” He says.

“Woo,” You nudge him harder.

“I just think you shouldn’t close any doors,”

“Mm,”

“I’m just saying,” He wraps an arm around your middle, “take the break from them, see how you feel later. You’re overthinking this,”

San drags his thumb over your knuckles and Wooyoung shifts closer, resting his head on your shoulder. The quiet stretches around you as you take in his words. He might be right, but you can’t think about that now. Not with the day you’ve had and the headache behind your eyes.

The fight plays over and over again in your mind every time you close your eyes, a loop of Mingi’s mouth on yours and Yunho’s eyes shining with tears. The feeling of their hands on you, begging you to stay. The look on their faces when they realized you had sought out another alpha for your heat, and not just any, but one of their best friends. You wonder what might have changed had you texted them back, who you might have met at the studio today instead.

That’s not all it was for me.

A little piece of you wishes you could take back everything you said.

#honeyhotteoks fics #honeyhotteoks updates #this night together fic #yunho x reader #mingi x reader #yungi x reader #yunho #mingi #ateez fic #ateez series #ateez ff

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oliversrarebooks · 5 days

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a good grade in being brainwashed: the perfect pet

tw: pet whump, bbu, dehumanization, brainwashing, memory wipe

Previous > Masterlist

"You need more than good looks to get the lead part, you know," said Toby, casually coming up behind Vinay and leaning against his chair. "That's why they'll undoubtedly go with me. No hard feelings. If you're very lucky, though, you'll get to play a supporting role in helping my star shine that much brighter."

Vinay suppressed the urge to point out that it was Toby who convinced him to sign up for theater in the first place, knowing full well that he was the idiot who let Toby talk him into things. "I'll have you know I've been practicing for this audition all week. You shouldn't assume it will be easy."

Toby sighed and rolled his eyes. "You've been practicing all week and yet you're still so stiff. Stiff as a board!" He shook Vinay lightly as if to make a point. "The lead role isn't stiff. He's adventurous. Dashing! Charismatic! And right now you look like a tired accountant three years from retiring, whose idea of adventure is to buy medium salsa instead of mild."

He scowled, because unfortunately Toby was probably right. He wasn't sure he was cut out for acting at all, and the thought of going up on the stage and delivering his monologue before a judging panel… "What do you suggest, then?"

"Here, I've got it." Toby circled around behind him and put his hands on Vinay's shoulders. "You have to let your muscles relax."

"What are you doing?" said Vinay with considerable alarm.

"I'm helping with your stiffness, obviously." Toby was kneading at his shoulders, and unfortunately for Vinay's resolve, it felt amazing.

"You're just trying to get a rise out of me."

"And even though you know that, it's still working."

Of course it was. Vinay never knew what Toby was thinking, giving him a massage in front of everyone gathered for the audition, not that anyone was really noticing.

Actually, no. Vinay knew exactly what Toby was thinking, because it was what Toby was always thinking. He wanted attention, and as usual, Vinay was a convenient source for it.

"Let all that tension out of those muscles," said Toby in a tone that might have been soothing if it weren't Toby. "Just let your mind go blank. And think about what it would be like if you weren't terminally boring."

"Thanks," said Vinay, dripping with sarcasm. "I'll do my best."

"You're so very welcome. I'm always happy to help a fellow thespian!"

Vinay knew he had to do something to take his mind off of warm hands on his shoulders, lest he start to get uncomfortable feelings for his irritating roommate. "I wanted to ask you, have you studied for organic chem yet?"

"Eh, nah. I don't need to. I see organic chem as more of an art than a science really."

"…It's very literally a science."

"So I can probably intuit all the answers. I'll be fine."

That's right, Vinay needed this reminder of how absolutely infuriating Toby could be. He didn't take anything seriously but acting and inflating his ego -- although Vinay suspected there was more going on there, a lot more.

Ever since the very first day they'd been paired together in the dorms, he had an uncanny knack for getting on Vinay's nerves. He seemed to have a supernatural ability for pushing Vinay's buttons just enough to drive him up the wall, but never quite enough that Vinay could truly dislike him. Whenever Vinay wanted peace and quiet, there he'd be, demanding attention. And whenever Vinay was lonely… well, he'd usually be there too. And perhaps that wasn't so terrible.

"You should really study after this. I'll help you."

"Hmm… I suppose I could help you study, if you really want me to. But only if we order Chinese. I can't study on an empty stomach, you know."

"Fine. Deal."

The auditorium went quiet as the director got up on stage. "All right, we're going to begin auditions. Everyone auditioning for the male lead, please head backstage now. When your name is called, you'll have five minutes to deliver your monologue."

"Oh, here we go!" said Toby, cracking his knuckles and grinning. "Time to shine!"

"Right." Vinay tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as he followed Toby backstage. He probably wasn't going first, so at least he'd have five minutes to take some deep breaths and calm down before --

"Vinay? You're up first."

Shit.

"Knock 'em dead," said Toby, clapping him on the back. "Break a leg. Break both your legs."

"What?"

"Shatter your collarbone. Suffer third degree burns to over sixty percent of your body."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Well, if breaking your leg is lucky, more injuries must be extra luck."

Vinay groaned and brushed Toby off as he walked out onto stage with a stride he hoped was confident. He turned to the front and looked at the director.

And his mind went immediately blank.

---

Vinay's mind went immediately blank when he saw the discount pet in the case in the corner, B211.

Toby. It was Toby. But that wasn't possible.

He looked so different from the last time Vinay had seen him. His hair was neatly done and he was wearing a tailored uniform, nothing at all like the tousled hair and loud colors he'd normally preferred. But the most striking thing about him was the smile. It was no longer that cocky grin he always wore when he'd gotten your attention. It was a customer service smile, a meek and submissive smile, a smile tinged with desperation.

But it was Toby. Even though that didn't seem possible, there was no mistake.

"Oh, I wouldn't recommend that one," said the salesman. "He's a bit more high maintenance than our other Romantics, and you're looking for a pet that's very independent, right?"

Vinay nodded and let the salesman lead him away to a different pet on display, but his mind remained behind.

How the hell did Toby end up as a pet? Vinay had spent so much time with him in college and never suspected that he might be a pet. Sure, he struggled with his grades, and was a bit on the unstable side, but surely that didn't mean he was a pet. Had he signed up voluntarily? Had he gotten himself in trouble, the sort of trouble that got him designated a risk to himself? Did he have a nervous breakdown?

And did he remember Vinay? No, he couldn't possibly. Pets all had their former memories erased through what was said to be a very humane process, to ease their transition into a better life. Toby likely didn't remember anything at all about him.

And that thought made him slightly ill.

"I can tell this one's not to your liking," said the salesman, and Vinay realized he'd been making a disgusted look in the vague direction of the pet the salesman was showing off. "Well, I think you're going to like this pet. He's low maintenance and is trained to cook…"

"That sounds interesting," said Vinay, trying to regain his focus.

He'd come here to find a companion pet on the recommendation of his therapist. His job left him with plenty of money but even more stress, he'd had little luck with making friends or dating, and he'd been getting desperately lonely and touch-starved. His therapist quite reasonably pointed out that that was one of the primary functions of pets, to ease loneliness.

Vinay had never considered it before. He'd never been fond of his family's Domestics. His father had preferred them unseen and unheard, so they tended to flit around the house like ghosts. Vinay certainly didn't want a pet like that. He wanted a pet with some personality, who could brighten his days and give him something to do other than work and sleep.

And he absolutely could not buy Toby, not that he would even consider it. However Toby had ended up as a pet, it was not his business, and Vinay was a stranger to him now anyway. Even if he didn't have his memory cleaned, Toby would no doubt hate being stuck with Vinay again. Most importantly, there was a rule in the Pet Owners' Handbook warning against keeping pets that the owner knew before they were pets. After all, pets had their memories erased so that their training would take well and so they wouldn't experience any unnecessary duress. Digging up those memories could cause psychological harm.

There was another customer in front of Toby now. Vinay had no reason to worry about him - he probably made a great pet, and would be bought up quickly.

That thought didn't make Vinay feel better at all.

The salesman directed him to the largest case at the end of the show floor. "And I've saved the best for last. This is a premium model, one of the finest we've had in this showroom. He does it all, and does it in style."

The premium pet was perfectly coiffed and very handsome. His smile looked much more natural than some of the other pets', warm and inviting, as though he truly wanted to be your companion. The salesman eagerly listed his attributes: independent, intelligent, capable of being a personal assistant, eager to please…

This one was everything he had wanted in a pet, just the sort of thing he'd been looking for. The pet was expensive, but Vinay could easily afford this indulgence. He'd be the perfect addition to Vinay's lonely condo, one he'd be proud to have.

"If this pet is within your budget, I think he'd be best suited to your needs, sir."

"He does seem like an ideal fit…" said Vinay with a lack of enthusiasm that surprised even him. After all, wasn't this exactly what he wanted? An ideal pet, perfectly trained, quiet, obedient, affectionate.

Just the right boring, corporate addition to his boring, corporate life.

"Would you like to spend a little time with him? I'm sure once you do, you won't be leaving this showroom alone."

Who was this premium pet before he was a pet? He wasn't meant to worry about that. They were all supposed to be volunteers or those who otherwise couldn't live a normal life, and the pet process was supposed to be humane and gentle. It was good for them, and good for pet owners.

But when he glanced over at Toby's blank and docile face…

"Maybe, but I'm still interested in that one. The one I saw when I first came in."

What was he doing? He couldn't buy Toby. That pet wasn't even Toby any more. He wasn't the roommate that drove Vinay up the wall at every given opportunity. He no longer knew any of Vinay's secrets, shared with him in late night conversations. He was a pet, now, and this premium pet was much better suited to Vinay's needs, just like the salesman said.

His needs. How often did he really think about his needs? What were they? Was a premium pet really what he needed?

Every rational part of his mind was screaming "bad idea" as he walked back to Toby's case. As he approached, a tiny spark of light appeared in Toby's dull eyes, and Vinay knew, against all of his sensible judgement, that he wasn't going to leave here without his old frenemy.

It had to be delusional, leftover feelings from his college years, all the time spent tutoring Toby and trying to get him to take his work seriously, all those times they'd spent laughing and talking about subjects both deep and ridiculous…

Vinay didn't really know what he needed, but he couldn't help but feel that Toby needed him.

"Are you sure?" said the salesman, clearly confused as to why Vinay had gone back here after being shown the premium model. "This one's a refurb. That's why he's on a discount."

A refurb. Someone had previously owned and sold Toby. He'd had his memories wiped at least twice now.

"Do you know why he was returned?"

"Ah, his original owner simply found a new relationship, and was displeased with the amount of attention this Romantic required. He's been wiped of those memories, and we've done our best to train out his unfortunate need for attention, of course…"

Vinay made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a choke. Of course Toby was attention-seeking as a pet. If there was one thing Toby couldn't stand, it was being ignored or bored.

And his previous owner hadn't appreciated that. He could imagine Toby's desperation as his bids for affection were rebuked by a busy owner. Lonely. Rejected. They surely didn't know how to handle him. Vinay knew, though. He always had.

"I want to buy this one."

The salesman was as surprised as Vinay was, going on about how they don't accept returns on refurbished pets. That hardly mattered. Vinay wasn't going to be returning him.

He was actually going to go through with this. He was going to own Toby.

No, he was going to own the pet that was once Toby. He wasn't the same, and Vinay couldn't treat him that way, lest he damage his new pet.

It would be fine. He'd stick to the rules in the Pet Owners' Handbook, the thick tome he'd already read half a dozen times, and it would be fine. He wouldn't bring up old memories. He'd give this pet a good life and all of the attention he deserved, at least when he was off work. It'd be fine.

And so he'd ended up in the sales office, signing mountains of paperwork to make him the legal owner of B211.

"We'd be happy to offer you any of our very affordable add-on packages," said the salesman. "We have additional skill training, discipline courses, and a wide variety of modifications we can make to your new pet before he goes home with you. For this particular pet, I would strongly recommend additional obedience and docility courses, to make sure he's well suited to your busy lifestyle."

"No, that won't be necessary," said Vinay, thinking of Toby's -- no, B211's -- eyes. Vinay had never seen him so quiet and docile. More obedience training seemed like the last thing he needed.

"Very well. If you change your mind, you can always give him discipline and obedience refreshers as necessary, although it might be more difficult for the pet once he becomes attached to you."

"I understand," said Vinay, signing another packet of papers. His brain was already swimming with how best he should welcome his new pet into his home. He'd planned for it extensively, read all the books, and of course Toby -- no, no, B211, damn it -- had to throw a wrench in his plans.

He was sure of one thing, though. B112 would be safe and happy with him if it was the last thing he did.

Previous > Masterlist

I'm sure this will go well.

@there-will-always-be-blood @kisa-writes @andithewhumper @handsinmotion @whumperhive

@eventide-triptych @pumpkinsncoffee

#whump #whump writing #pet whump #brainwashing #bbu #conditioning #dehumanization #good grade in being brainwashed #toby #vinay

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dualdeixis · 6 months

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[Image description: Digital drawings of two original characters in black and white. The Ferrier wears a black, wide-brimmed hat; a shirt with puffy sleeves and an embroidered collar, cuffs, and hem; a vest with geometric patterns; a black, sleeveless overcoat with two lighter stripes near the hem; loose pants; and black sandals. They appear to have short, messy black hair, and their hat casts a shadow over their eyes.

The Sacrifice's clothes are almost entirely white and intricately embroidered. They wear a loose, long-sleeved shirt; a cropped and wide-collared vest which is buttoned together; dimije (voluminous pants which are gathered at the ankle); a cap with coins sewn into the sides; a very long veil which ends in tassels and is pinned to the cap; a necklace of coins; a belt of large metallic roundels; and black shoes. They have long, curly black hair and several moles on their face.

In the first drawing, the Ferrier stands while wringing their hands with an extremely flat expression. The Sacrifice stands behind them and carries a bag, looking off to the side with a small smile.

Next is a comic featuring the two of them, with all of the speech bubbles being cut out from Discord screenshots. There are full descriptions of all of the pages under the cut. End image description.]

first drawing based on this painting of a peasant and nun going to the market by amedeo preziosi; comic based on a convo between me and @wildcatfourteen that reads uncannily like our ocs LOL. happy birthday my friend <33

[Image description: Page one. The Ferrier has a small smirk as they point to an image which reads, "some of y'all would melt down in this situation. ONE HAS GOT TO GO: THE EYE, THE FORMLESS, THE ECSTATIC, THE SUN, THE WOUND, THE EGG." The Sacrifice replies with a carefree smile, "how can you choose ?? are they not all as g_d ordained ??" The next panel shows that the two are sitting on opposite sides of a rowboat, which is stopped at the bank of a river going through a forest. The Sacrifice says, "i mean i guess if youre talking like which motifs i personally like to use in my hymns … i dont do much with the egg so that one" The Ferrier frowns and says, "I don't know if I can forgive u for saying that. Egg… U GET RID OF EGG?" The Sacrifice: "WHICH ONE WOULD U GET RID OF??" The Ferrier: "The ecstatic"

Page two. The Sacrifice stares in astonished silence for a moment, and then says with a cartoony vein popping from their cheek, "I think ur saying that on purpose to piss me off. to get back at me for saying ehg. Why do u hold such hate in your heart" The Ferrier closes their eyes and says nonchalantly, "I'm sorry it's not out of hate." They look off to the side and mutter, "Except u started this with ur egg slander" The Sacrifice glares at them with dismay and says, "THE HATE IN YOUR HEART IS OVERTAKING YOU" The Ferrier glares back, smiling through gritted teeth, and replies, "LOOK IN THR MIRROR"

Page three. The Ferrier pinches the bridge of their nose and says, "I can't believe this is what's causing an argument" The Sacrifice puts their hands on their hips and snaps, "I WASNT EVEN SLANDERING EGGS? IM JUST SAYING PERSONALLY IF YOU FORCED ME? I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST EGGS I EAT THEM ALL THE TIME" The Ferrier: "ITS NOT ABOUT EATINF THEM EVEN THO THEY ARE DELICIOUS AND VERSATILE." They roll their eyes and add, "Sorry for wanting to shatter my shell and be birthed anew" The Sacrifice clasps their hands together with a smile, their eyes hidden by their speech bubble, and says, "see thats the thing for me there is no rebirth only resurrection . its not dying and being birthed anew its about dying and then undying . coming back from death with none of the catharsis of newness just being forced to hold on to the old and what you once were ." The Ferrier pulls their hat down over their eyes and argues, "You say that and yet that is the whole point there is never any real birth of newness but just the illusion of it and the necessity to keep that illusion bc there is no coming back anew but taking whatever dead pieces u have and reconstructing some choppy form of a fresh creature"

Page four. The two sit in silence for a moment. Then the Ferrier says matter-of-factly, "Just like how ecstatic state is fake" The Sacrifice glares at them and says, "how DARE you say ecstatic state is fake ." The background turns black as the Ferrier's eyes go wide, gazing dramatically down at the viewer. They thunder, "ITS TEMPORARY" The Sacrifice, also on a black background, holds their palms up with an ecstatic grin. One of their eyes is teary and a bright halo flashes around their head. They answer, "AS ARE ALL THINGS."

Page five. The Ferrier, looking irritated with a cartoony vein popping from their temple, says, "fine. Fine whatever." They turn away with gritted teeth. "I'm gonna go in my egg shell and not come out EVER !!!!" The Sacrifice smiles with a thumbs up and says, "ok you do that im gonna be out here achieving union with the Beloved 👍" The Ferrier turns as far away from the Sacrifice as they can and crosses their arms. "U go do that. Hmph!" The Sacrifice does the same. "HMPH -_-" A school of black fish swims through the river. A line at the bottom of the panel reads, "THEY STAYED LIKE THIS FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS." End image description.]

#other #the sacrifice and the ferrier #the sacrifice #the ferrier #drawings #designs very much subject to change this is like a first pass ... but also no designs for them are actually canon dont worry abt it

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skcirthinq · 9 months

Text

I may have read "I May Be Invisible, But I Still Look Good" by @dandylovesturtles again.

So I drew. Again. (Small spoilers ahead)

The first piece is a little comic adaptation from chapter 2; context is that Leo is cursed out of his body, intangible, and unable to communicate.

And well. His family doesn't know about the curse.

And Donnie's been running some tests on Leo's empty body. They're not. Coming up with good results.

Dandylovesturtles's writing is so much more impactful than what I got here, so like! If you haven't, go read their works!

The other pieces are random scenes from the rest of the fic, with some descriptions under the cut.

Image 1: colored and rendered comic adaptation of a scene from chapter 2 of "I May Be Invisible". Raph is hitting a punching bag, while Leo walks in and watches him. Raph cannot see or hear Leo. They're both upset, with Raph's knuckles splitting open and bleeding, and tears gathering in his eyes over the panels. Leo begins to sit down, as Raph stops punching, and falls to his knees, crying in earnest. Leo turns around to give Raph some privacy, and talks to Raph, who eventually curls into himself and unknowingly rolls into Leo.

Dialogue is taken from chapter 2 of "I May Be Invisible, But I Still Look Good", Leo is the only speaker, and reads as follows: "Well, the good news is, Donnie's wrong about this one." "I know it looks bad. Donnie's not wrong about that, I mean, I saw the EEG, I know it's..." "It looks bad." " But... thanks for sticking up for me in there." "Don't give up on me, big guy." "I promise I'm doing whatever I can think of to get back to you." "I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you not to worry. I mean, I know you'd worry anyway, but at least you'd worry a little less." "You don't deserve this, Raph. I wanted to take some of the weight off your shoulders, but I messed it all up again. And now you're having to deal with it, just like we make you deal with everything, and I'm just... I'm so sorry." "At least, do me a favor, and talk to Dad? Or April, or ... Or someone." "Not Donnie, obviously, that could Not have gone worse. But you don't need to deal with this on your own. I hope you don't deal with this on your own..." "Sleep, big guy. I'm with you, I promise. I'm not going anywhere. "

Image 2: when your cursed brother yeets himself off an overpass and through a van's roof and the artist won't draw cars. (A partially rendered set of drawings featuring a blue, glitchy Leo falling through the roof of a moving vehicle, while an upset Mikey crouches on the roof. It's night, raining, and lights are zooming past at high speed.)

Image 3: Leo activated his ninpo after a character arc, just in time for the final battle! (Partially Rendered; a blue glitchy Leo, holding katanas solidifying from his ninpo, turns and looks over his shoulder. Behind him is a wall of pink-magenta flames being pulled up by the big bad.)

Image 4: Leo's family and friends are seeing him (image 3) for the first time in days. While also beating up some elementals. (Sketch)

Images 5-10: sketches of various scenes from the rest of the fic, except for 7, which did Not happen. But I thought would be a little funny if it had. 5 is Mikey and Donnie playing catch with the cursed amulet. 6 is Raph busting out of a dome made of rock. 7 is April accidentally letting the baseball instincts take over when being tossed the Leo ball. 8 is Raph trying to squeeze through a narrow cave passage, and Leo walking through the cave walls. 9 is Casey Sr. getting one last punch in on an elemental. And 10 is Leo looking up at his overjoyed family, once he gets back into his body.

Obviously, all credit goes to Dandylovesturtles!

#illustration #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt fanart #slapping some color on some sketches~ Im trying to work on like. doing comics? more sequential art. so like. yknow.#i know the dialogue is pretty small. sorry about that! im trying to find a balance between art and dialogue and i kinda. faceplanted on thi #i gotta post now or i will never stop fiddling with everythinggggg

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humangerbil · 2 years

Text

On the tddkbb server we were discussing what the foods were at this dinner and I might have gone and gotten invested in figuring them all out.

Lots of images, with more below, to flip back and forth between as needed. Clean image, followed by numbered images. Numbers are per dish, which sometimes there are multiple of the same one.

Shumai - I would guess the pork variety since that is the kind that I always see with the pea on top. I wasn’t actually sure about this one until I looked at the manga panel and saw that the little cylinders are more wrinkly than in the anime, like they should be.

Mapo Tofu - Bakugo yells about this dish.

Hambagu or hamburger steak - This one I’m about 95% sure about. It’s got the salad and tomatoes there and I really can’t think of anything else it would be but I might be wrong.

Leeks - This is a best guess. It could also be a cucumber dish or something else. But the way it is alone and the pieces are long makes me think leeks are most likely. Other ideas welcome.

Cabbage Rolls

Gyoza - This one I wasn’t sure about until the anime gave up the close up of Midoriya eating one, see below.

Tamagoyaki - I wasn’t sure about this one from the table spread shots but the fourth image and the manga panel shows the spirals very clearly giving it away. There does appear to be a minor animation error on the fourth image where the plate changes to white from black but mistakes happen.

Tatsutaage - I would have guessed karaage from the images alone since they are very similar dishes but Midoriya actually states the name of this dish when he is praising it.

Negiyaki or Okonomiyaki or other Okonomiya-related dish - This one I’m just guessing. In the first and second image it is shown cut up, in the close up shot it looks too flat and thin to be any of these but I can’t think of anything else it might be. As can be seen in the 9?s on the manga panels could be the same dish but neither really looks like anything specific. I think 9? blue is the same dish but they did change things between the manga and the anime so it’s really just a best guess. If anyone has any other ideas what this dish might be please tell me.

Salad - Nothing exciting here just a simple salad with some cherry tomatoes

Soup, probably Miso - Miso soup would be the standard and it’s the right color for it but there are other options it could be since it is never said to be any specific type.

Rice - These are also their serving bowls, the take food from the spread and add it to their rice bowl.

Dipping Sauce - I haven’t been able to divine what kind of sauce. I’m leaning towards tartar sauce since that would go with the tatsutaage and the color sorta matches. It might also be shabu shabu but that wouldn't be chunky looking like this is. I would have assumed green onion sauce but it’s the wrong color for that and much too chunky looking. These could also be dishes for eating things without rice and they have some mapo tofu in them. If anyone has any other ideas of what it might be please let me know.

It's very clearly gyoza from this image.

And lastly, I give you my final point of this post.

Dabi hates fish. Fuyumi made this huge spread of dishes and didn't make one fish dish. Not a single one.

I'm gonna forever headcanon that Fuyumi doesn't cook fish because Touya hated it.

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lynn-tged-posting · 1 month

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tged webtoon ep 156 spoilers and thoughts below the cut yeah yeah yeah

I DONT KNOW WHY BUT I THINK THE WAY HE SITS BACK HERE IS REALLY SILLY HEEHEE

also if the panels are slightly blurry uuuuuh no they're not dont worry abt it

ok back to the top bc holy shit this chapter made me crazy again

OF ALL THE CHARACTERS I COULD HAVE EXPECTED A RETURN OF. IT WAS NOT LUPELLAN

HOLY FUCKING SHIT I REALLY THOUGHT WE WERE DONE WITH THAT GUY CAUSE YKNOW. DEAD. BUT HERE WE ARE AHHHH ITS ALL COMING TOGETHER

and ohhh god the restoration of fate kicking in alongside all of this is insane ,, , god it might even happen sooner depending on how quickly they kick their plans into gear ,,, also this guy (forgot his name LMFAO) looks downright terrifying

i wonder how they'll go about it actually,,, especially since alicia has already had a dose of that like, dark magic paranoia poison back when she raided targa's castle. will she be able to combat what their planning,,, do they know she had been poisoned before? probably not, right? ooohhh im so curious to know,,,,,,,

ANYWAY AHH LLOYD AND JAVIER AHHHHHH AAAHHHH

LLOYD GETTING. EMOTIONAL OVER FINALLY BEING CLOSE TO GETTING THE ANSWERS HE NEEDS BUT THEN IMMEDIATELY PUSHING PAST IT GGGHHHRRRRR GGGG IM BITING MY HAND IM BITING MY HAND

he's finally so close . he's so close to being able to permanently protect this place that he loves so dearly . ooohhhghhh hhhhh . he's gotta pursue and continue to the end god im shaking him

AND THEN JAVIER BEING FOND OF HIM

im so sorry i dont have a lot of brilliant things to say im just. KICKING MY FEET ROLLING ON THE FLOOR IM. AAAHHHH my singular Analysis braincell hasn't kicked in yet sorry

sorry okay if i just post panels and scream i wont actually get anywhere but i REALLY liked the oneliners/jokes in this episode specifically got me giggling my ass off

AND LLOYD BEING A FUCKING SCHEMER TOO YOU ASSHOLE /AFF

TOP TIER ACTOR WHAT THE HELLL HAHAHAHA HIS SMUG ASS FACE

i remember seeing a post on twt about the episode preview and it was this left frame of lloyd crying and i was like "WTF FULLY EMOTIONAL MOMENT WITH LLOYD??" BUT NO ITS JUST HIM BEING CONNIVING AS USUAL LMAO

and javier's reaction HAHAHAHAHAHAA

OH ANDNDD AND AND MY FAV PART OF THIS EP

shaking crying at the way they look at each other oh my god . javier fully understanding lloyd . that the outcome lloyd wants isnt just one that benefits himself or the estate, but one that satisfies everyone,,, theyre on the same page they want the same thing a good ending for everyone they love im gonna lose my fucking MARBLES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE PROTAGONISTS EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR

AND AND ANDD THE CALLUSES ON LLOYDS HANDS. IM. SHAKING CRYING AND JAVIER'S EXPRESSION AT HIS HANDS AAHHH AAA

lloyd saying this n that about being pragmatic and yet there's this blatant fucking evidence that he's been working so hard and so long for the most idealistic, best results for the people he cares about and the people he comes across no matter what . "pragmatic" and he's going about things in a long, constructive and taxing process all so that he can fight fate while also saving people instead of realistically accepting the permanence of it . this is so poorly worded but i hope u understand HOW INSANE THIS MAKES MEEE and javier catches this for sure the fucker im shaking him

AND THEIR GOD DAMN HIGH FIVE. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"business relationship" I THINK NOT! Y'ALL HIGH FIVE'D!!! AAHHAFDLKJSDFHAHHAHAHAHAHA IM GONNA THROW UP /POS

THIS MADE ME SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL FOR SOME REASON I. GHGHGHHGHGHGHGHH the first high five they share im gonna fall apart into ten billion pieces

i said this on twt but like. if anyone suggests a high five irl i think i'm actually gonna just bawl in front of them i'm so serious llovier is a fucking plague

and their second one about the hellgate was really cute/funny LMFAOOO

this ep had me giggling and wiggling around like a fucking millipede i loved this so much HEHEHEHE

i think this is just abt the beginning of the end of the truth jewel arcs,,, god i wonder what the jewel will say!!! PRAYING that it says fate can be fought bc if it says "lol nah u cant" the devastation and anguish that would follow would be INSANE i wouldnt be able to take it. id stop reading right then and there /j

AND LUPELLAN AND THAT OTHER GUY WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO TO ALICIA OH GODDDD

anyway that's all for now ,,,, i will see u next week, ,,,, or whenever i make my next shitpost,,,,!!!! end post!!!!!!!!!!

#tged #the greatest estate developer #tged spoilers #lynn misc #man i was giggling like a fucking maniac while i was reading this ep #blessed be my family for not asking me about it xd #like how do i explain that the reason im cackling so much is bc my fav characters smiled at each other and then high fived .#like what would i even say to explain why that feels significant to me to ppl who havent read tged #im sure someone else here in the fandom could pull it off... not me tho im verbally useless

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justwhisperingfantasies · 1 month

Text

Memories Part 2

Characters: Dean Winchester x Female Reader, Sam Winchester, Castiel. Mick Davies. Mention of other SPN characters.

Warnings: memory wipe, language, angst, cute dean, fluff, not exactly cannon, implied smut, gun being pulled.

A/N: This is a continuation of my first-ever fic post. Please go easy on me. Hope you enjoy

Summary: You've had your memory wiped and sent off to your death. Sam, Dean, and Cas save you just before it is too late. the guys struggle with being strangers to you after all the years you have shared. You are forced into a life-altering dilemma.

Word count: 4,105 words

************************************************************************

Your stomach twisted. “Are you serious?” Why would I not want all my memories back?

“Don't look at me like that. This life is hard. You could have a clean cut right now.” His face turned glum as he grabbed your hand and interlaced your fingers“ You've been through a lot of shit. No one would judge you if you did choose not to.” You heard his phone vibrating in his pocket. He took it out and answered. “Yeah. Alright. Give me a minute.” He tapped the phone and put it in his back pocket, not taking his eyes away from yours.

You could see the extra wetness in his eyes, making another tear roll down your cheek. He wiped it away and pulled you into his arms, your arms automatically wrapped underneath his and around him. You laid your face against his chest. He kissed your forehead and said, “I’m sorry, sweetheart, just worry about getting cleaned up right now. Everything you need should still be in your bathroom. If not, your phone is on the nightstand on the right. Text me, and I'll make sure you get it. The food will probably be done right around the time you get out. Okay?”

How can he do this with just a hug? It was so peaceful and safe in his arms. You never wanted to let go, but it had been a tough day and you needed a shower. (your fav food) didn't sound too bad, either. You nodded as you slowly pulled back your face. He took your face in his hands, wiping away more tears. “We will figure all this out later, okay?” he kissed your forehead again, and you felt a drop on your face.

“Okay. I'm sorry” you manage to pull yourself together.

“Don't apologize. We will get it all figured out,” he said as he let his hands fall to his sides and you did the same.” Do you want me to stay here and wait?”

“No, it's ok. Thank you though. For everything.” you smiled

“Anytime. Call or text if you need me.” he smiled back and then walked out the door closing it behind him.

You sit down on the bed as you try to collect your thoughts. How could you not get your memories back?! However, you did notice when Dean was describing everyone, it was in the past tense. It might be nice just to break away and have a normal life I guess. No monsters, no demons, no insane British people trying to wipe your mind. (y/n) have a nice hot shower get some food and think about this later. You told yourself. You got up and tried to shake it off.

“Yes hot shower and some food,” you replied out loud to yourself. You walked into the bathroom and it was simple and nice. the same wood panel as the bedroom. White tile walls with black grout line. Decent size shower. The bathtub was probably bigger than most and a white porcelain sink with a black cabinet underneath. Big mirror above it with a black frame. You turned the shower knob all the way over to hot and waited for the water to warm.

************************************************************************

As Dean shut your door he leaned back on it and sighed. What the hell am I going to do if she doesn't want her memories back?! How could l live without her?! Just then his cell phone started vibrating again. “Yeah, I'm coming.”

He walked back down To the library.

“Well, it's about time chum?” Mick Davies was sitting at the first table across from Sam and Cas.

“Oh, I'm sorry I made you wait while I had to comfort my girlfriend that has had her memory wiped twice, almost killed, and kinda freaking out right now. I feel so bad for you.” Dean said raising his voice some.

“Dean, I know. okay? That's why I called you.” Davies said with guilt in his eyes. “Did you find it?”

“Yes we did,” Sam said as he wheeled Over an older machine. Davies plunged it in and it turned in.

It started beeping and lights started flickering.

“Ah, she still works.” He said as he opened a small door below the device. “And there's more than enough of the serum to work. Where's the lovely lass?”

Dean's eyes narrowed “She's upstairs taking a shower.”

Just then the kitchen buzzer went off. “Shit gotta get that,” Sam said as he hurried to the kitchen.

“What are we havin'?” Davies asks

“ I don't know what you're having, but We are having (your fav food).” Dean still had an attitude.

“Dean, let's go see if Sam needs any help.” It was obvious Castiel just wanted to talk to Dean in private. They walked over to the kitchen doorway. Dean looked back, keeping an eye on Mick.

“ Dean, I don't like them either, but he did just risk his ass to save her. Maybe we should be more welcoming.”

Dean rolled his eyes. “ I'll feed him, but I'm not painting his toenails.” he went over to help Sam.

Cas then rolled His eyes and walked back to the library.

************************************************************************

That shower really hit the spot. You dried off and put your clothes on. You were brushing your hair when you started thinking about Dean. It's nuts how close you felt to him even though he was a stranger at the moment. Thinking over the tour you remember the our rooms thing you could have sworn he said our room.

Your curiosity got the better of you and you opened the closet. There were women's clothes on the right and men's clothes on the left. You couldn't help yourself. You went to the nightstand on the left And opened the drawer. There was a lore book, a flashlight, a phone charger, a gun, a silver knife, and a box of condoms. You went to the other nightstand and opened the drawer, you found a pair of glasses, a lore book, a silver knife, a gun, earbuds, hand sanitizer, with a phone sitting on top of the stand. You put on the glasses. Yep, this Was your side you thought as you put them back. You picked the phone up and swiped the screen. A picture of you and Dean showed on the screen. you two were standing By the car again in mid-laugh. It was super cute. You flinched when it started to vibrate. Dean's name came up with an adorable picture of him sleeping. You tapped the Green button.

“Sup?” you said in a deep voice

“Really? Well, home dawg I was calling to see if you done because the food is ready.” Dean understood your banter so well.

“Alright, I'm on my way.”

“Lov…’ the call ended.

“ God, I fuckng hate this!” Dean said as he shoved his phone back in his pocket.

“I know Dean.” Sam tried to comfort his brother as he carried the food over the table. “Just let her eat some food and then we can fix this..”

“Well if that's what she wants,” Dean said hoping you wouldn't want to forget him. He walked over to get the plates out.

“Wait what the hell are you talking about?” Sam Demanded

“ Think about it Sammy, she has been through so much pain. She could turn the other cheek and start living a normal life.” He set a plate for each of them on the table.

“But dean?”

“It's her choice and we will be happy for her either way!”

“So you could just let her go?” Sam doubted as he put out everyone's silverware.

“If that's what she wants,” he argued. “Do you need anything else?

“No, that's all. Thanks.” Sam sighed “My money is on her choosing you.”

“GET BACK CASTIEL ITS ONE OF THEM!!” Sam and Dean heard you yell

They looked at each other and then ran for the library.

“(Y/N) PUT THE GUN DOWN!” you looked at Dean. “He is here to help. This is Mick, he's the one who called us and told us where you were. He can restore your memories with that thing.” he pointed at the machine.

“Don't ya think someone should have mentioned to her I was coming?!” Mick shouted in fear.

“Where the hell did you get a gun?” Dean stormed over to you and held out his hand. You took a couple of steps back. Dean stayed where he was and bounced his hand a few times.

You looked down at his hand. You still had the gun pointed at Mick. “Ha! not happening! Its mine. It was in my nightstand.”

“I should have known,” Dean said as he shook his hand. “Come on. We aren't gonna let him hurt you.” he started to step closer.

You stepped back and pointed the gun at Dean. He stopped immediately “How do I know that?! How do I know this isn't a big trick?”

“Really (y/n)?” you could see the tears”s in his eyes. “You saw the pictures. You know I wouldn't let him hurt you.”

“Oh yeah? Then how did they take me the first time?” tears started streaming down your face. You felt so betrayed. You trusted these 3 men and they let one of them in here. You didn't know what to think. You were so confused and couldn't remember anything. Before you saw the British guy everything was fine. It's like he triggered something in you, something you couldn't control. You were angry, panicked, and overwhelmed.

Just then you felt Castiel behind you. He quickly put his fingers to your forehead and you passed out. Dean hurried to help Cas catch you, but he didn't need it. “I got her. I can go lay her in her bed?” Dean nodded as he took the gun out of your hand and put it in the back of his jeans. Castiel disappeared with you in his arms.

“Jesus fucking christ!” Mick said. “Seriously why didn't anyone explain the whole situation to her?!”

Dean shook his head and hurried for the door.

He made it outside before the tears started falling. He leaned up against the Impala, then slowly slid down the side. What the fuck happened?! Was it just Mick being there? Was it a side effect of the mind-wiping? Did she really not believe he would everything in his power to make sure nobody hurt her? “Then how did they take me the first time?” her voice echoed in his head. It was his fault. If he was a little more cautious or a little less cocky maybe he wouldn't have gotten shot. Maybe she would be better off without him, living a normal life. She wouldn't have to run, wouldn't have to fight, she wouldn't have to hunt. He knew he should let you go. It felt like he couldn't breathe, couldn't move, his heart breaking in his chest as the tears fell.

************************************************************************

Sam blinked and thought about going after Dean. But decided against it. He’ll want to be alone. So he walked into the kitchen to put the food in the fridge for later. He turned around as he closed the fridge finding Mick standing in the doorway.

“So was she freaked before she saw me?” Mick hesitantly asked.

‘No. She was fine. Even joking.” Sam sighed and then explained everything that he witnessed today. “I don't know what happened after she and Dean went upstairs. I don't know anything about the pictures”

“I'm guessing it was me.”

“No. I mean you probably made it worse, but she said the gun was in her nightstand. So she felt threatened enough to carry it downstairs before she even knew you were here.”

“I have heard of the mind-wiping having a side effect, but I never seen it in myself.

“Is it temporary?.”

“I don't know. All I heard was side effects. Nothing specific. I'll start checking the inventory list for anything about mind wiping.” Mick didn't know what else to do.

“Hey Mick, If she is experiencing side effects would it even be safe to give her memories back?”

“I'm not sure mate.” he hung his head and walked out.

“Son of a bitch!’ Sam said as he threw one of the pots he had used in the sink.

************************************************************************

You awaken to Cas sitting in a chair beside your bed. You didn't say anything just stared at the ceiling of your room, playing back what just happened in your mind. You remembered everything that happened, everything you said, everything you did. But you could not remember what sent you into such a frenzy. You don't even remember being able to stop. The gun wasn't even loaded, but they didn't know that.

“(y/n)?”

You shut your eyes and stayed silent.

“Come on (y/n). How are you feeling?” You rolled on your side putting your back toward him and you could feel the tears start. “Please don't ignore me.” he pleaded

“Cas, I just can't right now okay?” you were so ashamed of what had just happened.

“Okay, But I'm gonna sit here until you can.”

“Why? I just acted like a fool and pulled a gun on innocent people. Why would you want to stay with me?” you started crying.

“Because I care about you. No matter what,” he said as he put his hand on your shoulder for comfort

*********************************************************************

He didn't know how long he had been sitting by the impala. Dean just sat there numb. His eyes were on fire, his head pounding. He needed to move, need to get this the fuck over with. He found the will to get up. It was so quiet in the bunk, peaceful chaos.

“Dean?” Sam yelled from the library

“Yeah.” Dean's voice cracked. He cleared his throat as he walked into the library. “Whatcha doin'? Where is everyone?”

Sam looked up at his brother he could tell Dean had been crying, but he wouldn't dare say anything about it. “ (y/n) and Cas are still upstairs. Mick and I are reading up on mind wipe lore. He just went to the dungeon for something. He told me he had heard some things about it and you know how the men of letters were.”

“They documented everything.”

“Exactly. So if we can find anything that can help, maybe there's a spell..’

“Sam.”

Sam continued his thought. “ Or if we can get rid of the side effects somehow.”

“Sam!” Dean spoke a little louder. Sam stopped and looked at his brother.” I think I need to let her go.”

“Dean, but if we find something. Maybe getting her memories back will help..”

“Sam! Memories or no memories, I have to let her go. The British men of letters did this because of me. She almost got killed because of me. Look at all the shit she has been through because of me. Everything she has lost because of me. And it's just gonna keep happening. I have to do the right thing here. His eyes misted over again. God, they stung so bad, but it was nothing compared to the torment in his chest. he started to walk away.

“Dean, Come on…”

“ I don't wanna hear it Sammy!” he said with a raised voice and continued to walk away.

As he entered his old room he laid the gun on the table and then started to pace. The record player caught his eye. He walked over and put the needle on the record. He couldn't even remember what he had last listened to in here. Bad Medicine starts playing and the memories but his birthday from 2 years ago start rushing back.

(y/n) doing a sexy little strip tease, him holding her up against the wall, round 2 on the side table in the library that nobody ever used. He pushed the needle off making a screeching sound.

He threw himself on his bed. “God I fucking hate this!”

************************************************************************

You must have cried yourself to sleep. You lay there a few minutes just taking in the quiet. You decide it's time. You roll over and see Castiel sitting in the same chair reading a book. “You're still here?” surprise in your voice.

He closed his book. “I told you I would stay until you are ready to talk.”

“What if I'm not ready yet?”

“Then I'll wait.”

“Whatcha reading?”

“A journal of a former member of the men of letters.”

“Oh yeah? Anything good?”

“Well, he was one of the members that was experimenting with mind wiping”

“Interesting. Why are you reading it?”

“Because Mick told Sam that he had heard there are side effects of the mind wiping. So Mick, Sam, and I are reading into it.”

“So you guys think my psycho moment was from a side effect?”

“Maybe. I do have another theory.”

“Do tell.”

“You have been through a lot in the last 4 days. And yeah you were nervous after I explained everything to you, but any normal human probably would have had a meltdown way before you did. I do have one question though. You seemed ok with me, Sam, and Dean. Why bring the gun downstairs?”

“I found it on my nightstand. I took it down to clean. The damn thing was filthy. Then saw the British guy and I freaked. I can't explain it. It's like fight or fly kicked in and I chose to fight. And I couldn't stop. I have been questioning why I trust the 3 of you as much as I do. No offense. I heard the Brit and freaked out.”

“No offense taken. It would make total sense for you not to trust us. The British guy is Mick. He is the one who called us and told us where you were. And he ran away from the British Men Of Letters to come help us.”

“Do you think he’ll forgive me?”

“Mick? Well yeah, it's more our fault for not telling you he was coming. You were scared.”

You giggled and shook your head. “No. Dean. I pointed a gun at him and pretty much told him it was his fault I got kidnapped. Which is not what I think at all.”

“You were scared and pissed off, you said things you didn't mean. If anyone knows about that, it's Dean. You guys will be fine. We need to get you some food, I can hear your stomach growling from over here.” you gave him a look of dread. “I promise it will be alright. They've been through far worse. Come on.”

You sighed heavily and got up.

You got to Sam's room before you couldn't take the silence anymore. “So did you find anything good in the journal?”

“Interesting good yes, side effect good not yet.”

“But you don't think it was a side effect?”

“Well no, but if there are side effects, we want to know what they are.”

“But when Mick fixes me we won't have to worry about it anymore.”

“Actually, there's something I want to talk to you about.” he paused at the top of the stairs. “ (y/n) You have been through a great deal of pain in your lifetime. The hunting life isn't great. If you wanted..”

You started walking down the stairs “You don't have to give the clean break, no judgment speak. Dean beat you to it.”

“Oh well, I just wanted you to know all your options.”

“Got it Cas.” he looked like a child that just got yelled at. “I'm sorry I'm just hungry.”

His face lifted. “I know I can hear it.”

As you walk into the library you find Sam and Mick. Sam looks up and smiles at you.

Mick looks a bit weary. “Well, Ello Love. Are you armed?”

You give a slight eye roll. “No. I'm sorry..”

Mick cut you off. “No need for apologies. Not the first time a pretty dame pulled a gun on me.” he smiled. You smiled back and your stomach growled louder than before.

Sam laughed “Hungry?”

“Starving!”

“Come on,” he said getting up.

“Sam I can…” he gave you a stern look “Keep you company while you make the food.” you gave him a happy smile.

“What a great idea” he beamed sarcastically

You rolled your eyes and followed him.

“I saved it. So all we have to do is reheat it. “

“Easy Enough.” you looked around. Dean was nowhere to be found, but you didn't want to come off needy so you didn't ask.

He chuckled “ He is upstairs in his room.”

“Who?” you tried to play it off.

“(y/n) “Sam said as you put the food in the oven

“Is he still mad at me?”

He turned around a look of surprise on his face. “He was never mad at you. He's worried about you. He blames himself for all the shit you've been through.”

You raised one eyebrow “ How the hell would any of this be his fault?!”

“Mind wipe right. Dean is a protector. If anything happens to anyone on his watch it's his fault. He's been like that as long as I can remember. Plus he thinks being with him is putting you in harm's way.”

“I’ll be right back.”

Sam laughed “This is the last time I'm making this.”

“I said I'll be right back.” you heard him laugh again as you walked out.

************************************************************************

Cas waited until you and Sam were gone “Have you guys found anything?”

“Nothing yet, but we keep trying yea?”

“Yes! Are we sure she's experiencing side effects though?”

“Honestly. I have my doubts. The way Sam explained it seemed like she trusted the 3 of you. He said she was even joking a bit, she only freaked out when she saw me. But if that's the case why did she have the gun before she knew I was here?”

They saw you marching your way through the library.

“Carry on Boys,” you said as you continued. Both looking at you in confusion.

“Well, she looks mad. Should we be concerned?” Cas asked as they both starred after

“No gun. She's fine.” Mick sniggered

“Anyway. We did have a conversation about all that. She said she did trust us. She had been asking herself why all day. Said she didn't know she just did.” cas explained.” and she found the gun in her nightstand. Apparently, it was filthy. She brought it down to clean it.”

“Fucking hell. I doubt it was a side effect. She was probably frightened. Some British institute wipes your brain and sends you to your death, you wake up with strangers, and then one of the British cunts shows up here unannounced. I would probably pull a gun too.”

“I agree.”

************************************************************************

Come on. You can do this. You knocked on Dean’s door.

“Go away Sam!” he yelled.

You rolled your eyes and pushed the door open. “It's not Sam.”

“Hey (y/n) you feeling any better?”

“Well, I was until your brother told me that you are blaming yourself for this?! For everything?!”

“Fuckin Sam. It is my fault. You said so yourself.”

“Don't you curse Sam! He was just being honest. I know what I said. It was the heat of the moment. I really don't blame you and I do trust you. ”

“If you trust me so much, why did you have the gun in the first place?”

“I took the damn thing down to clean. It’s not even fucking loaded. I was just scared and I didn't want to go back. I'm sorry I pointed it at you.”

He got up and rushed over to the gun. No bullets. “You pointed an unloaded gun at us?”

“Like I just said I was freaking scared, no one else knew it wasn't loaded.”

He started laughing.

“Did you really think I would shoot you?”

“In these circumstances? Absolutely.”

Just then his phone started ringing. He put it on speaker. “The food is getting cold again.”

“We’ll be right there Sammy.” he hung up the phone

“I'm not done”

He cocked his eyebrow with a grin. “Well go on then.”

“I'm a hunter with or without you. Judging from the pictures on the dresser and my phone I would rather it be with. You can't blame yourself. Sometimes bad shit happens and there's nothing you can do about it.” you declared

“You Done?”

“Yes!”

He grabbed you by the waist and pulled you to him. His lips just inches away from yours.

“Good! Now Let's go get some food.” he smiled.

#dean x reader #dean winchester spn #dean fanfiction #supernatural dean #dean fluff #supernatural fanfiction #supernatural fic #spn reader insert #fluff and angst #dean winchester #sam and dean #castiel #castiel friend #supernatural #spn #spnfandom

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nrdmssgs · 8 months

Note

NSFW Alphabet of ZharxNikolai :D yes, I'm an asshole heheheheh

Zhar is an OC from A heart full of pity and Darker matters. Paired with Nikolai

Masterlist Ok, you obviously didn't know what was about to come, when you asked for this. I don't feel like writing a classic alphabet, because one for Zhar already exists and I was planning to make one for Nikolai (not with Zhar) one day. So instead of giving plain answers I considered using every letter as a small prompt to write a short scene. I have to split it into two parts, apparently.

Before him, Olga was always the one to pamper her partners. A shower, a warm towel running along their bodies, soft kisses, praises, lots of them - you name it and she delivers.

But with Nik it's different: by the time he's done with her, her throat is sore from all the moaning, her body is exhausted. So Nikolai takes his time, praising her for being such a perfect girl for him, kissing her face, holding her carefully.

She tries to flip him on his back, wrap him in a blanket, massage his muscles, but Nik doesn’t even think about giving in. She ends up in his arms under the warm running shower.

"Relax for me, Nebo, mm? Just close your eyes and let me take care of you."

His voice, warm droplets of water, then soft towel and pillows lull her to sleep. The world around plunges into darkness until his thumb brushes her lips, bringing her back to reality. A cup of tea waiting on the bedside table - he always makes one or brings one from the lobby bar after they make love. His little ritual.

"Drink, my treasure. I want more of your beautiful moans in the morning."

"Please don't hide from me."

"Nik, stop it. I'm showing some tact here. Don't want to ruin the moment."

She presses her back against the wall vigorously, not letting Nikolai take off her unbuttoned shirt.

"You are the moment." His lips trail down her neck, warm breath tickling her skin.

"You. Every millimeter of your body. No exceptions. This is the moment."

Nikolai doesn't have any special soft spots for scars per se, this is a completely other matter. It's her trust that makes him weak. Permission to touch burned skin, to cover it with kisses, a secret shared with him, a pain that he can quench - this is his moment, the best feeling, he ever gets.

She begs him to not move. "I might ruin your couch. Slow down, let me-"

Nikolai cuts her off, bucking into her and her pussy makes a squelching noise around his cock. He seems to not care for his furniture, all his attention concentrated on her breast in his mouth.

Guilt burns her alive. Olga is not used to leave any evidences of her orgasms. But if he continues this way...

"If you continue this way I-"

"You will get even sloppier? Will come all around me? That's exactly what I want. Now let go and let me think about my couch later, mhm?" His voice deep and dark, is reverberating in her ribcage while Nik is talking, pressing his lips against her chest.

Her last bits of self-control fly out of window, when he starts encouraging her.

"Let go and do it. Come for me. Around me, on me. Do it. Just let go."

Olga can't hate herself for what happens next. As the waves of pleasure wash over her body, she forgets all emotions, all feelings besides him moving relentlessly inside her. When her mind returns into her body - she lies on Niks warm chest, as he kisses her forehead and praises for how well she free she was.

"S`wet for me, you feel it? Little drops sliding down... Just as I wanted. Just as I will have you for many more times."

When Nikolai guides her hips down, guarding her left leg from the cold switches of the control panel, her mind goes blank. A thousand times she repeated to her self, that his chopper is a transport - not a place for... informal communications. Yet here she is, rolling her hips forth to meet his thrusts.

She is ashamed: instead of being the follow-worthy leader, the example, someone, who does work when at work, she's turning into a sloppy, whimpering mess around his cock. Shame on her. From now on, she will live with this dirty secret in the back of her mind. Shame-shame-shame.

She is yet to discover, that is not her whole secret. Because Nikolai had it planned. After so many 'theres nothing special about my body', 'stop it, you could do so much better than me' he was determined to show her, how wildly beautiful she is. The cockpit camera is usually off even when he takes his bird of iron on a mission. But not today. Good thing, Nikolai knows his control panel as his own hand. The switch flips silently.

Weeks later, he will sit her on his lap in their house and show her the video. But he won't stop there, oh no. Nikolai will bring a toy to get her off for multiple times, as she watches herself riding him.

"Don't you see, how perfect you are? My very own porn star."

Olga will only mewl, leaning back on his broad chest. She could have been flustered, could blush to this new secret, if she had any power after so many peaks.

Her body is the source of many pleasures and Nikolai makes sure, Olga remembers it.

"H-how do you?"

"Years of practice, treasure." He nibbles on her earlobe, while his fingers change pace yet again. Olga arches her back hissing, and he immediately brings the other hand to her face. His knuckles brush against her teeth before Nikolai starts fucking her mouth with his fingers.

Olga thought, she knew her body well enough, but this man seemed to have cracked the code long before meeting her. The things, he did to her... Even she wasn't capable to bring herself so high.

She needs him inside. Not just a few fingers, she needs his cock, craves for this feeling of him filling her. She doesn't even notice as her hips start hips move in their own clenching, sopping, tightening rhythm.

Nikolais lips curl in a victorious smile. Years of practice. Everything preparing him to hold this treasure, to take care of her, to ruin her.

When his mic is off, he leaves sloppy open-mouthed kisses against Olgas throat while he holds her down by the hair roots. She blushes desperately despite this being just a phone call. Audio only.

"Yeah, John, I don't know. She's my most valuable asset. It takes hella time and money to raise a decent urban strategist..."

"M-hm, you tell me that, you greedy ass."

As Price goes on grumbling, Nikolai pulls her closer to his chest. It's not enough for him to just have her half on his lap, so his hand casually slides down her shoulder and kneads her breast through the shirt. Olga squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head.

"You may have stolen me of a soldier, but you don't get to lock her in Chimera exclusively..."

"Don't I now?"

Another hand snakes beneath the waistband of her pants, spreading Olga for him while she squirms. She bites down her lip, trying to not make a single sound as Niks fingers curl inside her. She's grinding against him, feeling, that she's not the only one on the edge. Nikolai is just a better actor as his voice remains absolutely calm even after she wrapped her fingers around his thick shaft and got it out of his pants.

"Ok, just promise me, you will let her know, I need her for that mission."

"Planning your wife's Birthday is not a mission, Captain," Nikolai hides the sharp inhale under the dark chuckle. "But ill let Olga know, when she's back."

Not even a minute passes after Price hangs up, as Nik lifts Olga up from his lap and bend her against his desk.

This man is sometimes the enigma to Zhar. A few months ago he wore this famous shit eating grin, while she asked him repeatedly to stop teasing her, when they were back on the TF base. Of course, he never stopped, never resisted pulling her to some dark corner and kiss passionately, chuckling "Someone is afraid, her former Captain discovers her in hands of his pilot?".

But now it is another person before her. He seems to stop breathing, when she plants the first kiss on his lips. Just watches her in pure ave and fear of moving accidentally and thus destroying this precious moment.

Maybe it's his capture, maybe it's her earlier plead to banish her - but this time he is completely lost in her. Not a single drop of mockery, not a single joke. Nikolai doesn't let go of her face as they are making love. Each thrust, every stroke is so careful as if this is a religious act to him.

Eventually, his playfulness will return. But that time Olga learns, this man, her enigma, has many approaches to her.

She thought, she never really cared for how much her partner's body was covered with hair. It was their comfort, what was of most importance to her.

But when Nikolai rolled up his sleeves for the first time before her, when he got rid of his shirt later... It was embarrassing, how her mouth watered just from a single look at him. He wasn't just broad and massive. With every rise and fall of his breath, pale light ran across the hairy chest.

This man was the treat, a walking temptation. As Olgas gaze slipped down, she bit her chicks to remain visibly calm. Never before she cared for it, but for the first time in her life she could explain, why the happy trail is indeed happy: it was an invitation, salt and pepper, darkening broad line with silvering hair here and there, leading her gaze lower.

"Like what you see, Nebo?"

It comes in circles: at first he's all about the tease and play. Every gesture and phrase serves a single purpose - the temptation. Nikolai is patient, so any amount of time invested is worth of what he's about to get - her panting and trembling in his hands.

After that Nik switches to soft and caring - he wants to be her safe space until there are no clothes left on her, and she's practically begging for him. That's when this man becomes serious.

When fucking her, not just playing around, not teasing, but claiming her, bringing her to one peak after another, Nik is serious.

When they spend a lot of time apart, Nikolai provokes her. Perhaps sending a photo would be easier, but it's not enough for him to just tease her. Oh no, this man has completely different plans.

When there is the nighttime in her time zone - he sends an audio. His velvety voice telling her, how he misses her, what would he do with her, if she was lying next to him right now. Telling her in smallest details, what hes doing to himself right now...

Nik knows, his voice works wonders. All that is left is to wait for 10-15 minutes and call her.

"Am I interrupting anything, Nebo?"

"You? No, nothing special."

"Then whats with the shortness of breath im hearing?"

She is very resistant to answer, but Nik never intends to shame her. If anything - he loves the fact, that his voice alone is enough to make her come. He just wants to be by her side, when it happens. So he guides her through forgetting shame and modesty and touch herself the way, he would.

It feels almost unfair how Nikolai has so many levers to pull to mentally bring Olga on her knees, while she still knows next to nothing about the things, that make him weak.

"You're my biggest turn on already, don't know, what more is there to seek, Nebo." Zhar has to eat up this answer every time until one evening.

He had it coming: Nikolai was too arrogant, teasing and frivolous. He should have thought twice before every commentary, he let himself. But Nik havent, so now there he is: hands tied behind his back, the rope digs into the skin on his chest with every breath, Olga hovering over him. He tries to reach her lips, to bargain for mercy with a kiss, but her fingers drown in his hair and pull his head beck.

"Did I grant you a permission?"

No, she didn't. And Nik is well aware of that. But his heart beats so fast, his thoughts run wild, he's long past the moment, he could control himself. He manages to take a deep breath and collect himself enough to muster a plead.

"Please do that again, pull my hair... as you ride me."

She enters the hall swiftly, striding ahead, not paying attention to anyone around. Seriously, sometimes Nikolai believes, that he could capture Makarov, throw him on the floor, and Olga would just step over him, not even slowing down. Because now she's pissed. Something went south on her mission, obviously. Other Chimeras are already familiar with her angry eyes, so they tend to immediately find some urgent business to just avoid Zhar.

Nikolai puts his instruments down, but doesn't move and inch away. Reaching him, she takes his hand and drags him deep into base.

"Ty byl khoroshim droogom, komandir,*" (You were a good friend, commander.) says Yegor not actually hoping, that Nikolai would hear him.

As she leads him down the halls, Olga mutters something about idiot politicians blocking their biggest contract and unzips her gear. She lets go of Nikolais hand only once to throw her jacket and coat away. Nik grins secretly: he knows where she's taking him. There are so many places more comfortable, more safe, more commodious for blowing the steam off, but Nikolai wouldn't trade them all for that one place. The very special one.

Streams of hot water touch her body while she is still half dressed. Olga doesn't care. Now she is so furious that she does not care about her clothes or random glances that may inadvertently notice that something completely unprofessional is happening in the common showers. It's adrenaline talking: she doesn't even kiss Nik - she hungrily bites his lower lip, as her fingers run over his belt.

Nikolai never protests though - these rare episodes of her not giving a fuck about anything, but him are precious to him. So his favourite memories always float around that shower.

Nik is so normal about the curve that the back of her neck and her spine are drawing together. The way Olga bends, sitting in the chair backwards right before his desk, the way her wrists intertwine, as if tied with an invisible rope... Oh, he's ok about that. Definitely paying attention to whatever nonsense of a pitch, Krueger is delivering to them both. Totally not tearing the last bits of her clothes in his dreams right now, not tasting her skin, not devouring her moans, not loving her so softly, not fucking her mercilessly.

Nikolai is very much ok, stable, in control. Until Krueger leaves them two alone finally. Olga stretches, reaching out for some invisible target above her, and leans back slowly and smoothly until her shoulder blades rest on the desk. Her lips are so close. Almost too close to not...

"So? Somebody wants a new toy so badly, he even made a full presentation. Thoughts?" A smile so innocent as if she wasn't teasing him with this mesmerizing line oh her collarbones, her scent, sending his mind spinning and boiling in desperate hunger.

And is if wasn't enough, as if his teeth weren't grinding in anticipation of claiming her, marking her skin, Zhar adds the final nail to Nikolais coffin.

"My commander has no more toys?"

"Go lock my door, treasure." Niks lips hover in mere centimeters from hers. "I'll show you, what I have."

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starrvlight · 4 months

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should i make a web toon??

chat should I make a webtoon?? I already have some story written out, it's kinda lie sbg?? It's not like taken from SBG I promise 😭 but it's the same genre??and I have not ppl to edit my art / anyone to help out with the comic CONSIDERING IM A MINOR (13-15)??I also don't consider myself good a drawing:p But I'll tell u about it and lmk if I should try to make it a comic??:D

it's about these kids (12-13) I KNOW IT'S YOUNG BUT WHATS A LIL TRAUMA GONNA DO?? And like (I'm still figuring this out 😔(ok nvm I'm just going to copy and paste I have a 2 starts so far starts so far))

starter one: (2nd one I made + still working on)

They use walkie talkies the communicate *FIFI RUNNING THRU THE HALLS OF HER SCHOOL* Hey- I'm Fiona or fifi- whatever u wanna call me. For the past few months I've been having this recurring dream, or simalar to that.. Cut to fifi panting, crying and bleeding a lot from the side of she stomach, running in a hellish realm from a multiple runners going to some massive treehouse and she climbs a ladder and axel rolls up the ladder, and fifi pressing a button and collapse shaking

Cut back to Fifi, running into her class "your late miss Weech." Fifi looks up "sorry Mr mordini" she mumbles

starter 2: (og one)

Fifi was looking thru her dad's stuff and saw some "fun" looking horror game that was shoved way way way in the back1-2 (axel and fifi) people are playing a game, then the game glitches and the game like sucks them in.they were playing some horror game where you had necklaces/ bracelets/earrings rings that they found then they had some type of power (but didn't know||powers:, water,fire,air,earth,flying, manipulate gravity,super speed, instant healing, able to shield Able to manipulate blood, shrink/grow is size, teleport abe to see into the future by a.little bit, lightning yk?) and so they kinda just walked around for a bit and then saw something glowing..it was a crimson shade of red..like blood.. axel grabbed it and looked at it then hesitantly but it on, then continued walking it was really dare,, they came across this neighborhood/ghost town and a whole bunch of houses were like decaying and they walked in, hoping to find stuff,they ended up finding some water, a backpack and a couple flashlights +batteries.. and a ring that had a dark green gem..then l of a sudden they hear EXTREMELY loud screeching and they remember it from the game they the began to run out the house but screeching got louder and louder to they ran the opposite way, but there was no way out so they had to kill the creature (it's a black creature that's completely black and has like a really open mouth andna head that's tilted back, a massive eye on their chest and in the same pllace on their back, really tall massive claws, they r called runners/screechers, then there are other ones that can fly at really high speeds r called flyers) they didn't know how so they just ran and ran, until axel fel...Fifi pulled axel and help him up..but it was too late and the monster lunged at them then the crouchd and covered themselves, then hears some running and then a loud screach,. They looks up and say a trio, one has black, really curly hair, one has a bit with bleached hair and one with browns hair and some hair dye, the one with h dyed hair has black goop on her hand she shirt, then the one with curly blkack hair ran to them

And I drew both comics a bit both have I think 3 panels :p

AND SORRY FOR RANDOM NAMES IN IT I CAN POST THE CHARACTER INTRODUCTION STUFF IF U WANT MORE INFO

ANDDD ANOTHING THINK IM WITTEWLIWLY DRAWING IN IBISPAINT 🤨 LIKE??

#please please please #is it good?#what the sigma #lmk!!#what do i do #school bus graveyard #sbg #sbg (webtoon)

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cbk1000 · 4 months

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So, I have another crazy story about the clinic where I used to work; this time as a patient instead of an employee. Under a cut because it's very long.

So back when I first got really sick, I was in the hospital a few times primarily for really high heart rate. I work out a lot and my normal resting heart rate is in the 60s; back in February I suddenly started getting palpitations, and my heart rate was going up to like 140 bpm just standing at my bathroom sink washing my face. I wore a seven day monitor at one point and my highest recorded heart rate on that was 157 bpm--just shuffling like a zombie around the house. I was also super weak and just felt overall like death.

Hospital runs a bunch of labs and imaging tests and can't find anything that would explain it. The last doc I saw said there was a bright spot on my echocardiogram monitor that could just be flashback from the monitor, but taken with some of my symptoms, he felt OK with a presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis (inflammation of the sac around your heart), especially as the treatment is just high dose ibuprofen for a week, nothing invasive or drastic. I need to follow up with a cardiologist, but I don't have a primary care physician who can refer me to the heart clinic. I had just turned in new patient paperwork at a local clinic so I contacted them to see if I could get in, but they said it would likely be a month before I could be scheduled with anyone.

In the meantime, the ibuprofen isn't working and my condition is getting worse. I have my next period, and after a couple of heavy days, I get even weaker, my heart rate goes even higher, and I get really dizzy all the time. I also am now short of breath just rolling over in bed. I legit feel like I'm dying. Because my symptoms get worse after blood loss, it suddenly pops into my head that about 17 years ago after a blood donation I got really sick, and all my symptoms that I can remember having at the time are the same, especially the cardiac issues. I took iron back then and that resolved it. I started wondering if my iron was low, did a bunch of research into iron deficiency without anemia, and realized every single symptom, including ones I had been having for a while prior to the heart issues (terrible fatigue, brain fog, headaches, sleep disruptions, restless legs at night) could be from low iron.

So I need to get labs done, and also I do still need a referral to make sure my heart is ok. I can't get in with anyone, so out of desperation, I go back to my old clinic because I know they'll get me in quickly. They schedule me an appointment for the next day with a doc who is going to turn out to be batshit crazy.

I go to my appointment with my presumptive diagnosis of pericarditis, and the doctor asks if I had the Covid shot. I tell him yes, but my last booster was in 2021, so not relevant here.

Well boy howdy was I wrong. He launches into a whole-ass rant about how bad the shots are, how many people have been injured by them, tells me I, a formerly very healthy, athletic woman, now have heart issues due to the shot, etc. etc. I say, 'Ok, but would the shot really randomly cause me issues three years later when I was perfectly fine after I got it?' (The answer is no.) Doc stays the course in blaming the shot. I have paperwork I need filled out for medical leave from my job, and he PUTS ON MY PAPERWORK THAT I HAVE TO TURN IN that my cardiac issues came on and progressed after the shot (three YEARS after, you DUMBASS) and that his impression is post vaccine injury. I feel too badly to do much more than sway on the exam table and occasionally interject that I had the shot three years ago and I don't think that's the problem. The majority of my appointment is him ranting about the shots. Whatever, I'm desperate, give me my fucking referral to the cardiologist and order my iron panel.

I get labs done and sure enough, my iron is low. I start supplementing and shortly afterwards get a call from the cardiac clinic; I lucked out and got in just a few days after my referral was sent to them because someone canceled their appointment last minute. I see an ARNP at my first visit and she says the echo I had done at the hospital looks fine to her, but they'll do a seven day monitor, a repeat echocardiogram, and have me follow up with the cardiologist just to make sure they don't miss anything.

So they do this, and in the meantime, after a couple of weeks on iron supplements, I start slowly but steadily feeling a bit better. My fatigue and brain fog that I was having every day improve significantly after only a week on supplements. My dizziness goes away. I feel a tiny bit stronger every day and now can sit up longer and start holding conversations with people. It's slow but steady progress for about three weeks: and then I get my period again. It doesn't knock me back to square one, but I definitely take a couple of steps back in my recovery. It's a little lighter this time, though, which is a good sign.

I follow up with the cardiologist. He says actually my heart is in really good shape; no signs of pericarditis or anything wrong with it; my high heart rate isn't due to a cardiac issue. Cool. I didn't think so at this point, but good to hear I don't have heart issues.

So I go back to follow up with my doc and plan to ask to really focus on the iron issue since the cardiologist confirmed my heart is fine. I have come a long ways but am still mostly bedridden; it is very slow to get your levels up on iron supplementation, and every time I get my period, it sets me back a little. Maybe some low dose iron infusions would help boost my levels so my recovery doesn't go backwards on account of me bleeding for a week every few weeks.

Doc comes in the room. He is clearly Not Happy cardiology did not confirm his conspiracy theories about the shot injuring me. I tell him about the symptoms I have seen improve and even resolve after about six weeks on iron supplements, and how I think most if not all of my problems are from low iron. He pretty much completely ignores this. He asks me if my fatigue and brain fog have improved. I say, yes, they were some of the first symptoms to improve after I started taking iron. He does not even acknowledge I have spoken. He tells me he thinks I have a combination of chronic fatigue syndrome and POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) caused by the shot. I remind him I just told him my fatigue had improved a lot since starting iron. And my heart rate is coming down too and not spiking as much, my issue is that every period after I've been improving, I suddenly get a little worse again. He ignores this. He tells me he is going to refer me to the neurologist to check for chronic fatigue and POTS. Ok, whatever, I'm pretty sure I don't have those things, but fine, have another specialist tell you you're wrong.

After about eight weeks on supplements, I really feel like I'm starting to turn a corner. I don't feel normal, but my heart rate has come down quite a bit, I can stand and walk around a lot longer without feeling like I'm going to pass out, and I feel the closest to normal that I have been in months.

And then I get my period again and my heart rate goes back up. I'm super frustrated at this point because I was So Close to being a functioning human again, so I decide to push for a low dose iron infusion. I just want to boost my levels high enough to get me over this hump so every period doesn't set me back right as I feel like I'm coming back to life. I've read lots of papers on iron deficiency without anemia (meaning your hemoglobin is normal) and decide to make an appointment armed with one paper in particular which was written by a doctor who has been treating iron deficiency for decades, and which lays out really comprehensively the numbers at which patients should be considered deficient based on their labs and symptoms, what numbers you should shoot for when treating the iron deficiency (I am higher now but still quite a ways away from the goal), and also lists a bunch of symptoms women in particular have reported that have resolved with iron treatment. I highlight all the symptoms on the list that I have had, as well as other sections particularly relevant to my specific case. (Spoiler alert: I did not even give him the paper.)

So I go to my appointment and he asks if I've heard from the neurologist yet. I say no, I'm sure it will be a while (there's only one in town, and I'm sure it takes a long time to get in). In the meantime, I really want to focus on getting my iron levels up. I lay everything out: all the improvements I've seen, how my period keeps setting me back, and how I want to try just a low 100mg infusion to boost me up so I don't take two steps back every time I get my period. He tells me I have chronic fatigue and POTS as a result of the Evil Shot. I tell him, once again, that my fatigue has greatly improved on iron supplements. He does not even acknowledge I have spoken. He tells me a local doctor is being PERSECUTED and PROSECUTED for prescribing Ivermectin for Covid. Ok, that doesn't relate to my personal medical issues that we are here to discuss, and also, Ivermectin is not approved for the treatment of Covid. I ask him again if I can get a low dose infusion. I understand insurance probably won't cover it, that's fine, I can pay out of pocket, I just need him to order it. He tells me he personally takes Ivermectin. Good for you. Again, not related to my medical issues that I am here to dicuss.

I mention that I have had restless legs at night for a long time, because I know this at least is commonly associated with low iron, maybe that will get his attention; nope. He totally ignores me again. I even try blaming the shot for low iron (sorry, Covid vaccine, sometimes you have to take one for the team). I say I have read Covid and maybe even the shot can deplete your iron; maybe the shot did this to my iron. No dice. (Mr. Jenn did applaud me for trying when I told him about it, though.)

He starts in about my POTS again. I say, ok, but POTS is a postural issue, right? He says, yes! I say, ok, then if I have an issue where my nervous system doesn't regulate my blood flow properly when I change from sitting to standing, why is my resting heart rate way higher than normal when I'm just lying in bed doing nothing, and why has my heart rate been coming down and is not spiking like it was after several weeks on iron supplements until I get my period? I'm not sure that fits with POTS.

He again does not even acknowledge I've spoken.

I ask again for an infusion to help boost me up so I'm not set back every period. He says as long as I'm menstruating it will set me back. Yes, I am aware I will lose more iron on my period, what I am asking is that while I am in ACTIVE CLINICAL IRON DEFICIENCY can we please do something to speed up getting my levels high enough so every time I bleed it doesn't knock me down again. He asks if I have considered a hysterectomy or uterine ablation for the bleeding (you know, invasive surgeries, instead of talking about birth control pills, which he didn't even mention). I said that was kind of extreme and I didn't want to consider that right now. I ask him about the infusion again. He says it's not a concern. I say, yeah, it is, I am having debilitating symptoms that have left me bedridden for three months. I need to get back to my life and my job. He tells me Congress is investigating the shots and it will come out how bad they are, but a lot of people won't believe it. I say, well, that's Congress' business, can I please have an infusion. He tells me insurance won't cover it. I say I know, I already mentioned that earlier (while you were ignoring me in favor of ranting about a vaccine I had three years ago), I have a health savings account, I can pay out of pocket. He tells me he's pretty sure I have chronic fatigue and POTS but we'll see what the neurologist says. I need to call and see if I can get in more quickly with the neurologist. I say, ok, in the meantime, since realistically it could take months for me to get in with the neurologist, can I PLEASE HAVE A FUCKING INFUSION. He tells me if I want one I will have to badger another doctor into it. (I can't remember the exact word he used, but the way he worded it made it sound like I was trying to bully him. No, you jackass, I am asking for an extremely common, low risk medical treatment for issues that have left me unable to work or leave my house for anything other than doctor's appointments for THREE MONTHS.)

So I left incredibly frustrated, needless to say.

Next day Mr. Jenn goes to his appointment at the clinic I initially tried to get into to follow up on labs he had done for an annual physical, and his doctor tells him his cholesterol is slightly high, but not enough to be concerned, he just needs to watch his saturated fats and red meat intake. Mr. Jenn tells him we've actually temporarily increased our red meat intake because of my health issues. He then mentions all of the issues I've been having, my lab results, and how I've improved a lot on supplements, but keep getting set back by my period. His doctors goes, 'Have you guys looked into infusions for her? You should try that.'

I DID BUT MY DOCTOR IS CRAZY.

Mr. Jenn explains that I had asked for an infusion and my doctor refused. His doctor gives him a weird look and wants to know why. Mr. Jenn explains it's because he's super set on it being chronic fatigue and POTS and won't consider anything else even though my 'chronic fatigue' and 'POTS' symptoms have both improved on iron supplements. The doctor again gives him a weird look and asks why he's stuck on those diagnoses and won't consider iron deficiency.

Because he's crazy, good sir.

Mr. Jenn's doctor then suggests we see if I can self-refer for an infusion and just pay out of pocket, but you need a doctor's order even if you're not going through insurance, so the next day when the clinic opens, I call, explain I tried to establish care there earlier so they have my new patient paperwork, but that I needed an urgent referral, and had to go somewhere else because they were a month out, but I really (REALLY) want to change doctors, is <Mr. Jenn's doc> taking new patients? He is not, but they'll put in a note with one of the ARNPs accepting new patients to see if they're willing to schedule me.

However, I know the new manager of the clinic (actually an old coworker from the crazy clinic that I'm friendly with), so the other day I texted her, briefly explained the situation, and she asked which doctor I wanted to see and said she'll talk to him when he's back from the long holiday weekend and see if he would be willing to see me. She will let me know later this week (he's not back in till Wednesday). So fingers crossed I can get in with a non-lunatic soon.

#personal

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