#but I still personally found the writing weak and the concept ill-handled

[marzipanandminutiae]

[flirting] babygirl I used to be soooooo abnormal about Swan Queen

[watermelonlovershigh]

You Get Sick in the Back of an Uber

AN: so this was a story i have had in my drafts for like three months and just never found motivation to finish it. i decided to finish this first out of my drafts because it was one of the ones that had the most already written for it. unlike some of my others that don't have much written yet. and this was supposed to be longer but i got lazy and ended the end with no dialogue and shorted the story. but i guess that's fine because the main part of this was the uber incident and not necessary the aftercare. (i just love to always include aftercare whether its with sex or getting sick. unless its a blurb) @harryhoney-bee suggested number 1. on my voting post so thank you for requesting i finish this one shot idea that was in my drafts.

This story contains: puke, drunken person, caring husband

{ husband!harry - dad!harry - Grammys 2021 Harry - 4 kids (any age you imagine) }

word count: 1765

When you drink too much at the Grammys, you end up having to get sick in the uber ride home and Harry cares for you.

-------------------------

Back Story-

After the Grammys, Harry and I decided to go to the little after party that was being held for the Grammy attendees. We knew we couldn't stay too long because we had to get back home to our kids. They were currently with our babysitter but she couldn't stay all night. She has to go home at some point. So we made sure to watch the time.

At the afterparty, drinks were flowing. I haven't drank in a while due to the fact I had been pregnant not too long ago. This was the first night I was allowed to drink and I decided to do just that. Harry was aware of me drinking and promised to watch and take care of me. Though we were at this afterparty for him, he wanted me to let loose and have some fun as well.

But what he wasn't expecting was for me to drink the amount I did. I didn't mean to go over board. It just kind of happened. People handing out drinks left and right and next thing I knew, I was drunk. Not tipsy, drunk. When Harry noticed how drunk I was, he decided it's best to go home.

And because Harry also had drank some alcohol, he wasn't in a state to drive either. By no means was he as drunk as me though. Maybe just tipsy but he didn't want to risk it. So he decided to call an uber for us.

--------------------

Current-

We're sitting in the back of the uber on our way home. It's about an hour drive since the city is crowded with traffic due to the Grammys. Right about now is when I regret drinking any alcohol tonight. Because I haven't drank in over a year, my body isn't use to the poison running through my veins. So you could say I'm a lightweight now. My head is throbbing. My vision is blurry. My stomach is turning. Lets just say I regret all my decisions tonight that lead to me feeling this way.

"Harrrrry I don't feel good." I manage to slur out.

"You probably should have stuck to champagne instead of vodka my love." Harry responds, while stroking my hair out of my face in a gentle manner.

Another 10 minutes pass and I'm feeling very nauseous. I'm trying to focus on my breathing but it's not working.

"Harry my stomach hurts." I whisper with hooded eyes.

"Like you're gonna be sick?" Harry questions with panic.

I nod my head and hear Harry asking the driver if he can pull over.

"Can you pull over? My wife is feeling ill." Harry frantically questions the uber driver up front.

"I'm sorry sir but this freeway is packed and there is no way I can get to the side of the road right now." the driver says with a bit of an attitude.

Hearing that made me and Harry both start to panic.

"Well do you have any sick bags in here?" my husband asks.

"Sorry I don't." the driver retorts in a uncaring tone. What kind of uber driver doesn't carry sick bags for when drunks potentially need a ride but feel like they are going to be sick?

I just barley hear Harry let out a frustrated sigh and turn to me.

"Try and relax love. Take deep breaths for me, alright." Harry whispers while rubbing my back as I'm slumped over his body, too disoriented to even hold my head up.

About 3 minutes later, I feel vomit rise up my throat. There isn't much I can to do. The driver already said he couldn't pull over, nor does he have sick bags. I sit up from my slouched position and clasp a hand over my mouth. My legs are bouncing up and down. I'm trying desperately not to puke but I'm doing a poor job. Harry is sitting up with me, trying to comfort me but his words are all a blur at this point.

"If you have to be sick darling, let it out. I'll pay to get this uber cleaned, okay." Harry states in my ear. I know he'd rather not have me puke on the floor of the uber, right beside him, but he can tell I'm struggling and in discomfort.

Hearing those words was all the conformation I needed. I remove my hand from my mouth and let out a gush of alcoholic bile spew from my mouth and onto the backseat floor board. Harry gathers my hair in his hands so it's not in my face. My vomit splatters all over my legs and on the bottom of Harry's Gucci suit. I'd feel terrible about that if I wasn't so out of it, but my mind is a mushed up blur.

"Shhh, that's it. You're alright." Harry reassures me. The uber driver lets out a sigh of disgust, but this is truly his fault that I'm throwing up in his uber right now anyways.

Heave after heave, I let out more of the alcohol that was poisoning my system, right onto the floor. It's not a pretty sight. I'm having a cold sweat and my body is trembling. Though Harry has a weak stomach, when it comes to his wife (me) or his kids, he can always handle a bit of throw up. Or a lot like currently. It's like a fatherly/husband instinct that comes over him and he feels only adrenaline, not yuck.

Finally I feel my stomach relax and I sit up, breathing heavy with vomit dripping down my chin. Without thinking, I wipe it off with the back of my hand and smear it on my already ruined dress. "Feeling better?" Harry asks in a low tone.

"Mhmm." I hum, not really feeling like talking. My drunken brain has cleared up some from the majority of the alcohol being out of my system, but I still feel the after affects drinking brings. I just lean my head on Harry's shoulder for the rest of the ride home and allow the cool breeze to blow on my face. The uber driver did us all a favor by rolling the windows down so we didn't suffocate on the nasty smell of my sick.

---------------------

After-

When we arrived home, Harry payed the uber driver, not giving much of a tip and told him that he'd have someone clean his car out in the morning. As well as a half assed apology for my incident beings it could have been prevented. Then carefully, Harry lifted me out the uber and carried me into our Los Angeles home. Good thing our kids were all asleep because they shouldn't have to see their mother like this. Covered in puke and half drunk.

Harry took me to our bathroom and quickly ran down stairs to pay our babysitter, hoping she didn't question my appearance when she saw my state as we came through the front door. She didn't thankfully and left soon after her check was handed to her. Harry came back up to where he left me and helped me clean up and get ready for bed.

He stripped us of our vomit covered clothes and helped me into the big walk-in shower we have in our master bathroom. Then after he delicately washed our bodies along with my hair, he helped us out and dried us off. We brushed our teeth, me with the help of my husband because I was still a bit dizzy. After we're clean of sick and smelt fresh, he helped me put some panties and a t-shirt over my nude body and boxers on himself; just incase our kids woke up and needed us for whatever reason.

Harry helped me into our large bed and tucked me in, bending down to kiss my forehead. Then he walked down to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and a bucket incase I needed to be sick again at some point through-out the rest of the early morning. When he had all the items he intended to grab, Harry came back to our bedroom where I was already passed out with sleep.

So he just set the water on my night stand and the bucket on the floor, beside my side of the bed. Then Harry quietly exited our room and went to each of our child's bedrooms to make sure they were fine and still asleep like they should be, which they thankfully were.

When everything was done and taken care of, Harry turned the bedroom lights out and slipped in the covers with me. He helped my body scoot over and I cuddled into his warm body. I didn't realize it in my state of sleep but I knew when I awoke, I'll be thinking about how grateful I am to have a wonderful husband like Harry.

He takes such good care of me. He didn't get upset that I drank too much on his special night and accidently got wasted. He never once got upset that I basically got throw up on his expensive suit tonight in the uber. He didn't get annoyed that he had to shower both me and him past midnight, though he was exhausted. Harry loves taking care of me (and our kids) and wouldn't wish for any other life. Even when his life becomes chaotic and stressful. Harry loves his family dearly and his family love him just as much or more.

Masterlist (regular smut, fluff & sicfics)

My Favorite Harry Styles Fics MASTERLIST

Harry Styles Series - One Shots & Blurbs Masterlist

Harry Styles blurbs, concepts, & short stories Masterlist- (short writing with little to no dialog)

[sladewilsonisanantihero]

The Original Intent of Terra and how Deathstroke got the bad end of the stick for it

Okay, Deathstroke Children (Idk what to call you guys because fellow Deathstrokers would end this conversation immediately), I found the time to do this, so let's get to it!

(Note: My original laptop broke with my comics, so I have no images to spare, so it will be sourced. Another note: Many words will be in bold. Partly so that for those reading will not lose track.)

But if tl;dr:

Cold Hard Truth: Everyone from Terra fans to Deathstroke fans needs to stop seeing these characters as real people.

Original Terra wasn't human trafficked or whatever sob story people want to label her with. The CREATORS intended her to be written as Evil without the mental illness and to die for the shock value. They had Raven, The Literal Empath, spell this out in Judas Contract. As for Deathstroke's involvement, he was shoved into her creation story, and Marv Wolfman himself recognized his mistake in doing that.

And for those calling Deathstroke a nazi, Original Terra had nazi-like beliefs where common people should fear and serve them or be killed off just because they're 'special'. Again, BLUNTLY stated in the Judas Contract. So if you're going to call Deathstroke a Pedophile, we'll call OG Terra a Neo-Nazi. (But I highly advice for Deathstroke Fans to not start that kind of war, but I had to say what I had to say.)

Don't get me wrong. (Hopefully all) Deathstroke fans know that their relationship was wrong just like Marv Wolfman, and we do not support pedophiles! But Slade isn't a pedophile! He was never intended to be written as one! It was a mistake made on many levels and should be rewritten like OG Terra's Evil Neo-Nazi-like personality, instead of being thrown into cancel culture.

Also for Deathstroke fans, don't get upset over their content and begin any argument emotionally. Just enjoy whatever good content we can get and support it if you can. Hopefully we'll get our Deathstroke movies and so on!

So I've briefly chatted with one of you over the matter with Terra/Tara Markov and how upsetting it is about how people refer to Slade Wilson as a Pedophile. That is a serious accusation that would make it very uncomfortable to argue about since it can easily make it seem like we justify the actions of pedophiles, and that we are part of pedophile culture that does exist in social media space.

AND WE SHOULDN'T, AND FOR ANTIS READING THIS WE WON'T.

But there was a time when I used to have a blog called friendlyremindersofsladewilson, where I defended Slade and put the blame all on Terra. I was 14 at the time, and looking back at it, I am not proud of it because I realized now as an adult how I defended it for most of the wrong reasons, but still stand with the fact that SLADE IS NOT A PEDOPHILE.

And since this took place when I was so young, it compelled me to write this post because I fear some of you are really young, too, and may end up in this regretful position.

So to make it clear, what Slade had been written to do is a crime, and we should acknowledge it, but not in the way as if it was a crime acted out in real life.

What I mean by that is that there's a clear separation between fiction and reality where one isn't real (Duh!). In this case, it's about the mistakes made between fiction and reality. In reality, mistakes made by the person responsible is on the person. In fiction, mistakes made is dependent on the creator's intent, and sometimes the creators can make mistakes themselves.

Most notably Terra's:

Tara Markov/Terra was created by Marv Wolfman and George Perez.

In Marv Wolfman's literal website, he stated in his online "What the-?" column:

"Which leads to Terra. That was easy. George and I wanted a Titan who betrayed the others. we also wanted to play against every reader conception of who characters are. George and I knew her whole story before we began and we knew she would die. We set the story up with her trying to destroy the Statue of Liberty to show she was the bad girl, but we knew if George drew her as a cute kid everyone would simply assume she would be ‘turned’ from the dark side because that’s the way it was always done which is why that wouldn’t be the way we did it. Tara was insane an stayed that way right until the moment she died. By the way, she IS dead. I don’t know what other writers will do with her – if anything – but if they want to honor the original series they will leave her dead. The Terra from Team Titans was – as stated – some kid the villain kidnapped and physically and mentally altered her into looking and acting like the original. But she was NEVER the real Terra."

And it should also be noted that he stated before this statement that:

"...Only mistake I think I made with him is having him have a physical relationship with the 16 year old Tara Markov. That was wrong."

So Marv Wolfman himself recognizes that what he did was a mistake, but his intent on Terra was never to write a victim.

And quick note: Insanity isn't written as a mental illness here. It's written like how many villains are labeled as insane for having skewed beliefs that deviates from the common good.

Terra truly had some nazi-like beliefs where she BELIEVED that everyone who wasn't 'special' like her and the Teen Titans deserved to be treated like shit because they weren't 'special' like them. She bluntly said it herself in the Judas Contract.

As for George Perez's comment in an interview I found in this website:

"GEORGE: Tara was just a cute little girl, although I based a little bit of that on my wife Carol’s sister, Barbara. A little upturned nose… Barbara does not have the teeth that Tara had. I wanted Tara to be a girl who looked normal. Which also means her death caught everyone even more offguard.

Tara, she was made to be killed; she served her purpose. That was it.

ANDY: You didn ‘t get any attachment to Tara?

GEORGE: No, because I knew we were going to kill her. So I deliberately used all the things to make her as likeable and cute as possible, so people would never believe we were going to kill a sixteen-year-old. And she was a sixteen-year-old sociopath. She was one of our cleverest gimmicks; we deliberately created her in order to lead everyone astray. So we couldn’t build any fondness for her, ’cause we knew full well what her whole motive for existence was. Her existence was basically to keep the stories interesting; we were tossing a curve that no one would have expected.

ANDY: You didn ‘t even love to hate her, huh?

GEORGE: No. I loved handling her, because she was such a good idea. But she was an idea. Not as much a person. She was there to show exactly how much their humanity can be one thing they have to be careful about, the Teen Titans have to be careful about. . . they can be too trusting, or their own weaknesses can be used against them."

Terra was supposed to be a representation of An Evil Betrayal of Trust and That Not All Cute Girls Are Good.

But they took it too far by making her sleep with Deathstroke because they wanted to truly make her look evil by literally sleeping with the enemy. Y'know because this was the 80s, and women having sex was an evil act back then, and that point of view has somewhat or barely improved 40 years later.

Deathstroke was just shoved into this idea, and Marv tried and perhaps failed at trying to undo this mistake with his talk with Beastboy (Tales of the Teen Titans issue #55) and before his confrontation from Wintergreen (Deathstroke (1991); Chapter 35).

So just as I had stated at the top in the tl;dr, it was a mistake made on many levels and should have been rewritten out just as many had done with OG Terra's true personality, and be done with it.

Random person: "He still slept with a 16-year-old."

And it's not that hard to make other heroes and villains do this mistake. Because again, it's all fiction. Deathstroke's fictional. As in Not Real, so we could literally undo the damage by rewriting this mistake. Or make it worse by making Terra the rapist by her using her Earth powers to bind Slade down and force him, and you can't deny that it's plausible. Because she's fictional. Anything can happen. So why didn't Slade tell Beastboy whether he slept with her or not, maybe it was because he really didn't want to but he was forced into it. And that's just something you can't dump on a very emotional man who was trying to kill you a moment ago.

ALL THE POSSIBILITIES BECAUSE IT'S FICITIONAL!

But ANYWAY, I went way too dark there.

Ending on a brighter note: Personally to all Deathstroke fans, please value your mental health, please don't start any arguments that'll compromise it, and continue supporting Deathstroke in whatever way you can!

[whatifxwereyou]

Ashes Chapter 15: Same Old Story

Fandom: Mortal Kombat 2021

Pairing: Liu Kang x Reader

Summary: Some history for Y/N and some brotherly love from Cole.

A/N: when you so busy writing smut that you forget to update the story so you can get to the smut lmao. enjoy, fellow nerds.

First Chapter << Previous Chapter Next Chapter >> Chapter Index

You were uncomfortable talking about personal things, particularly your history, but Cole deserved answers and he was a patient listener. Being a father, you weren’t really surprised by that. “When I was a kid, like… nine I want to say? Honestly my childhood is pretty blurry. Feels like another life.” You cleared your throat. “Anyway, yeah, around then I fell ill. I had these… fits, for lack of a better word. I didn’t understand what they meant at the time because I was well, nine. No one else understood them either. As an adult I know that I was experiencing prophetic visions. Honestly, they weren’t really prophetic then, I guess. That’s a word Raiden uses a lot for them. Back then they were rarely of future events. It was more like gaining deep insight into the lives of others. I could touch someone or something that someone else had touched and I would disappear. I’d see a glimpse of their history or their present. I was too young to interpret it.”

“Like touch telepathy? I’ve seen television shows about that concept. This stuff is hard for me to wrap my mind around. Too much like fiction.”

“I suppose that’s a good thing to call it. When I saw things, I would also black out. And have a fit. Like a seizure, I suppose. And when that was happening, I would often say things about what I was seeing or hurt myself. It frightened people. My parents took me out of town and I stayed with my grandmother. I was homeschooled after that. My parents saw it as an embarrassment if I recall.” You laughed at the idea of that now. That life was so far behind you that it didn’t matter how stressful it had been. Back then it had felt like the end of the world but as an adult, it was a distant memory. Those experiences had made you different and strange but they had also made you unique and special. You had embraced the things that had separated you from normality since then.

“Well, that’s awful.”

“Oh, no, no pity. It’s fine, really. That was world’s ago.” You waved off his disapproval of a parent being embarrassed by their child for things they couldn’t control. Cole really was a good guy. “I stopped having the visions at around twelve and while I was weak from being so sick, I fought to be normal afterward. My dad ran a dojo and so I grew strong again. I focused on martial arts. It was something that helped me find strength and determination back then.” You smiled at the memory. You’d always had a fondness for it in your heart. That was one of the first things you and Kung Lao had bonded over. Your father had taught Wing Chun and that was what Kung Lao specialized in. “With time my father could no longer teach at the dojo so he moved in with my older sister. I took over the dojo and then opened a shop in the old storage space to make extra money. I had every intention of moving away. I would never be more than a weirdo or a witch there. It was too small a town.”

“Did you ever get to?”

“I mean, I’m here now. That’s a long story though. I’m trying to keep this brief.” You chuckled. “We can talk about that stuff another day.” That was a more casual and personal conversation. This was personal but definitely not casual. If you didn’t have to share these parts of your life then you never would have. Much of it was still too raw. But Cole Young was curious about your past and you were curious about his. It was nice having another friend who wasn’t Liu Kang. You really did get along with him and his family.

“Fair enough.”

“About five years ago I was still doing the same. There had been a robbery across the street and the thugs came into my shop afterward. And, well, I’m not the type to roll over and be robbed.”

“I’d say not.”

“It escalated. There was a man who came in to pick up herbs I had imported for him every month who came in after. He ended up helping me out. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you look at it, I killed one of those would-be robbers. He’d been trying to kill me so… I have come to terms with that. That’s how I got the dragon mark.” You pointed to your back. Yours was on your lower back on your left side. “The man who helped me was Liu Kang. I knew him then and he was kind enough to help me deal with the fallout at the time. It took ages for him to convince me to that there was any truth to any of this… Mortal Kombat and arcana nonsense. It’s kind of embarrassing looking back at it.” And the story was far more complicated too. You’d been attracted to Liu Kang from very early on. “I guess that’s why I’m so patient with Johnny. It’s easy for us to know what’s the truth but when you spend your whole life believing that fairytales are made with computers and science? It’s difficult to believe anything else.”

“Yeah, I get that. Not everyone had Sub Zero rushing them into the truth.” He joked. That was true enough. But Johnny Cage had had his come-to-jesus moment that afternoon you were pretty sure. You hadn’t had a moment like that in the beginning. Just Liu Kang’s word and his arcana.

“Liu showed me his arcana but I thought it was a trick. He was very persistent at the time. Tried to talk me into leaving everything I had ever known for what I thought was a trick. I was scared, I’m not too proud to admit that. The part of me that wanted to leave home and never look back had grown smaller over the years. I’d become complacent. I’d grown comfortable being known as a witch and honestly, the next generation of people in town hadn’t treated me so terribly. The kids even thought it was funny that everyone thought I was a witch. But then… I found my arcana.”

“The ink?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty and under control now but in the beginning, it was a nightmare. The first time I used it had been on accident. I nearly destroyed my store. Then I fell and had a fit and I was suddenly seeing things again. Those things I saw didn’t make any sense. None of it. I saw flashes of people and places I didn’t recognize. The best way that I can describe it is… nonsense. It didn’t mean anything.” You sighed heavily. Those moments had been terrifying. “The second time had been even worse. If Liu hadn’t been basically stalking me then someone would have gotten seriously hurt. I’d hurt him but he’d been tough enough to handle it. I felt terrible about it. By then I’d more than grown fond of him.” You didn’t want to get into the details but it hadn’t exactly been difficult to fall into Liu Kang’s arms and it hadn’t taken very long either.

“There’s a lot of history there, huh?”

“Yes. Focus.” You wanted to get this story over as quickly as you could. “After that I decided to go with him. It wasn’t worth the risk of hurting people in town with something I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to leave but I was glad that I did afterward. Raiden’s Temple was where I had needed to be for what came next. It was awful at first. The ink and the visions made me sick. I had little to no control over any of it. Raiden helped me. He could unravel what I saw even if it was just spaghetti to me. My visions helped him. At least he said that they did. Liu helped me get control over my arcana. There I met Kung Lao and I was happy. About a year later the visions stopped altogether and I was stronger than I’d ever been.”

“And now you’re having them again? Out of nowhere?” Cole didn’t sound terribly concerned. He had handled all of this very well. It was nice not to be taken too seriously or looked at like you were about to fracture. You didn’t think the visions were out of nowhere. In fact, you thought that the visions were likely triggered by Kung Lao’s death. Trauma did funny things to people. The things that happened to you were a little funnier than most.

“I confess that I didn’t realize I was having them at first.” You shrugged. It was difficult to explain but it seemed as though, at some point, Cole had abandoned his disbelief and had embraced chaos. “They were more like nightmares. It was difficult to decipher what was guilt and grief and what wasn’t. It wasn’t until the other night on the roof that I even considered they were visions. Well, that and I feel terrible. I haven’t felt this terrible since the last time I had them.” You were a little embarrassed to admit that. If you’d been honest about what you were feeling from the beginning then maybe you could have done things differently. You just hated being weak. It was a hot button for you.

“And that was when you saw what happened this afternoon?”

“Kind of? I saw the beach and a wave of corpses coming for us. Does that count?” You tried to joke. Cole tilted his head as if to consider if it counted or not.

“It does at least explain why you were extra creepy this morning.”

“Implying that I’m always a little creepy.”

“The ink is a little creepy, I decided.”

“I guess that’s fair.”

“But you’re okay? This morning was wild.”

Did you not seem okay? You supposed that you were feeling out of it after seeing Kung Lao’s death. You definitely weren’t feeling yourself but you thought that you’d hidden it pretty well. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sound a little morose.” Cole looked to the door like he had somewhere else to be. He probably did. He had a family and all that. “I can’t say we know each other very well but whatever happened back there must have hit hard… and I mean… you were so different at the end of it.”

“I’m fine, Cole.” You reassured him with a forced smile. You were a little morose. That was a good word for what you were feeling. You wanted to sleep for the rest of the week until you had to go back to China.

“Ally, Emily, and I are going to go grab dinner. You’re welcome to join us. You could probably use some food.”

“No, no. Thank you but I think that I have encroached upon your family time enough this week.”

“We really don’t mind. You’re good company. Allison asked if you were joining us, even.”

“Really, Cole. I appreciate the offer but I’m not up to it. My social battery is completely drained.” You offered a weary smile. It was nice to be wanted. “I’m going to rest.”

“You’re just… so off. I feel bad leaving you alone.” Cole pulled his phone from his coat pocket. “I’m considering asking if Ally wants to grab food and then bring Emily here to watch a movie with you.”

“It’s okay, Cole. I need the time alone, I think. Besides, I’m allowed to be a little under the weather after that.” You smiled even so. You didn’t want him to pity you. You didn’t need that. You really would be okay. That morning had been difficult but you weren’t prepared to say the real reasons why. You were a mixture of angry and hurt but you’d trudge through it.

“Yeah…”

“Hey, look, you don’t need to feel responsible for me just because of what happened with Kung Lao.” You would happily absolve him of any guilt he felt in that regards. He was guilty of nothing but being a good man.

“What?” Cole was genuinely surprised and you internally winced at how you’d miscalculated. You’d read the whole situation wrong and instantly regretted your words.

“I thought you might be feeling some misplaced guilt about it. I don’t want that for you.”

“Oh. Maybe that was why I approached you on the street that day but I think we’re past that. We’re friends now. Am I wrong about that?”

“Not at all. It’s been lovely getting to know you and your family. I really mean that, I’m not just saying it. You’ve managed to get me a little out of my head which is nice. And you like my jokes which I appreciate. I’m sorry about the way that came off. I wasn’t trying to diminish our friendship. I just didn’t want you to carry around that guilt, either.”

“That goes for you too.”

“It’s been a hard day. I’m not coming across the way that I mean to. Let’s say lost in translation.”

“It’s okay, Y/N. Your English is pretty good so I’m not sure that excuse works, but I’ll let it slide.”

“I know, I know… I’m being cold without meaning to. Like you said, I’m a little morose right now. I do this thing when my feelings are difficult to process where I kind of shut off and… I can come off as cruel without meaning to. Honestly, even in Chinese it doesn’t sound much better.” You couldn’t help but laugh at yourself. “I’m sorry.”

“No need. Today was a reality check. It scared me too. And you’re clearly going through something. I wanted to help, is all. Sometimes when I get too far into my head things snowball and become an avalanche.”

“I appreciate that.” You kicked your shoes off next to the bed and laughed. You had no plans of going anywhere else for the rest of the day. “I used to have Kung Lao to keep that from happening. I appreciate you trying to help but you can go get food with your family and enjoy your afternoon. I’m exhausted. I’ll probably nap or meditate on what happened today.” What you really meant was that you would do whatever it took to get it out of your head. You were going to try and forget the awful things you’d seen today. You weren’t sure you could forget it. His death was burned into your mind’s eye. It would haunt you for the rest of your life.

“I will but before I go, I wanted to talk to you quickly about Liu.”

“I would very much prefer if you didn’t.” You scrunched up your face in distaste.

“I know that I’ve been teasing you about it.” He laughed and you rolled your eyes. “But is everything okay with that? I know, I know… it’s not my business, you’ve said it a dozen times now. It’s clearly complicated. You don’t owe me any details but if you need help with it then say the word. I’m happy to help.” Was Cole Young offering to be your wingman? Or was he offering to beat up Liu Kang? Either scenario was kind of hilarious.

“I’m obviously defensive about it. I’m sure that it’s hilarious from the outside looking in but Liu and I have more history than I care to explain. I’m not ready to get into it with anyone. Not you and definitely not with Liu, either.”

“But that’s okay?”

“Yeah, it will be. I’m a pretty tough lady.”

“On a scale of one to ten just how supportive do you need me to be?”

“No scale. Just be yourself, Cole. You’re doing fine.”

“Even teasing you?”

“I’ve had worse teasing, trust me. I dated Kung Lao for years. Besides, it kind of lessens the frustration of it. Sometimes I get too serious and scary in my head. The joking grounds me a little.”

“Good to know.” Cole patted you on the back. It was nice having a friend to talk to. A friend that wasn’t Liu Kang. Not that you didn’t enjoy Liu Kang, things were just too complex between you right now. There was so much hurt and grief that you weren’t sure how things would pan out or if they would ever be fixable. And Cole was a good man. You enjoyed talking to Allison too and Emily had taken a shine to you. You hadn’t had the opportunity to be around kids in years and you were good with them at most ages. That was part of why you’d enjoyed running the dojo.

There was a knock at your door. You made to get up to answer it.

“I’ll get it. I’m on my way out anyway.” Cole stood and so you sat back down. You wouldn’t argue with him. Cole opened the door and there was Liu Kang, which was no surprise to you. You’d been expecting him to show up at some point. Who else would it have been, anyway? You were pretty sure that you’d rubbed Sonya and Jax the wrong way with all your talk of kidnapping. Cole stared Liu Kang down instead of greeting him and you tried not to laugh.

“Hello Cole.” Liu bowed his head politely in greeting. “I was hoping that I could speak with Y/N for a few minutes. Is she here? Did I come to the wrong room?” Liu peered around him and made eye contact with you. You offered him a curt wave.

“That’s up to her.”

You tried very hard not to laugh at the look of confusion on Liu’s face. He was bewildered.

“Of course it is.”

“You can come in, Liu.” You stopped that conversation before it got any weirder. Cole meant well, but wow.

“I was just leaving.” Cole clasped Liu on the shoulder as if to wish him good luck and then left, closing the door behind him after Liu had stepped past him. Liu watched the door close and then turned back to you. His expression was priceless. You’d have to thank Cole for that later.

Next Chapter >>

[hemera989]

Hot Takes: Yukio Okumura

Aka, 'My Analysis Of Yukio That No One Asked For And Yet I Will Give It Anyways’ asjhdkajshfs also, tw for talk of attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts, depression and trauma!

The main reason I felt it necessary to give My Take on Yukio was not entirely because I love him and feel like he’s a lot more immature and human than people like to think though that is a large chunk of the reason. It was rather because recent manga chapters have really gone on to shake up how I view him, and it helps to write things down.

I feel like perhaps it’s best to start chronologically in a way, because there’s no one event that really led to the reveal of Yukio as he is today- depressed, suicidal, and destructive. There is no one reason to point a finger at, or one life event to deconstruct. He’s a product of his personality, childhood, and the overall events that led to his birth. And what better way to start a childhood off, than with bullying?

Considering how traumatic bullying can be, it’s just a little bit surprising to see how much it tends to get glossed over (for both Rin and Yukio). This is where I believe Yukio’s inferiority complex may have developed, or at least started becoming prominent. He was teased and harassed as a child, and unable to defend himself besides relying on Rin to protect him. While Rin was only doing so out of genuine love and care for Yukio, this is likely where his twisted opinion of their relationship began. Rin was good and kind and strong, and defended him out of love, and Yukio was weak and a crybaby, and resented both Rin and himself for how little he was able to protect himself on his own. 

This is where we can see his mindset begin to develop; Rin = good and strong, and Yukio = weak and bad. This even extends to Shiro, which we can see somewhat in what I believe is the Kraken arc.

This also becomes what I believe is the core of Yukio’s character- he does not like himself. Because he hates himself so thoroughly, he doesn’t believe that he deserves to be liked, or even that he genuinely can be liked for who he is. We see this in his conversation with Rin during the Aomori arc, where he remarks to Rin that if Shiemi knew the ‘real’ him, she would hate him. He believes that he is an unlikable person, to both himself and others. 

In a way, this also stems from his relationship with Rin. Rin is in no way at fault for why Yukio is the way that he is, but the friction between their two personalities does deepen their own insecurities. Because Rin is reckless and headstrong, Yukio is forced to be the ‘mean guy’, the one to put his foot down, the one to say ‘no’ because he knows that Rin isn’t often capable of doing so himself. He is forced into responsibilities too intense for him to properly handle both due to Rin’s position as the inheritor of the blue flames, and due to his brother’s personality as the goofy, fun-having teen. (If you’ve ever had siblings, or, hell, even had to be the voice of reason in a situation where people are having reckless fun, you know exactly how this feels.)

When you take how his personality is, you can see exactly how his position as an exorcist has exacerbated this to an almost extreme amount. Though Shiro didn’t do so intentionally, he almost single-handedly createted one of Yukio’s most damaging mindsets- that becoming strong is the only way forward for Yukio. 

(Don’t take this as Shiro slander, I love that man and he tried his best with the complicated history he already has with childhood) Through trying to give Yukio the chance to seize strength for himself, he set off quite a few chain reactions within Yukio’s mindset. First, he associated strength as a person with physical strength. Second, he associated worth as a person with physical strength. Third, he associated Yukio’s strength and worth with Rin, by making exorcism a way to protect Rin from other demons. Foruth, in my opinion, we can see the reduction of Yukio and Shiro’s relationship from a father-son bond to a teacher- student bond. Now, Yukio begins to lose his main support system- his father. Shiro is no longer his dad, but the paladin, a strong man who offered him an unhealthy way forward in life. 

In one decision, we can see how Yukio’s self hatred found an external focus to worsen itself for him. Yukio believes that he is a weak, worthless, and unlikable person. But, now, he does have a purpose, something in life that is worth living for. He begins to develop his entire concept of himself as a person on that of becoming an exorcist, becoming strong, and protecting his brother. He hates himself, but he knows that he can do one thing- protect Rin.

We can also see where his superiority complex begins to develop. Being born human while his brother was born clearly demonic, Yukio has more worth in the eyes of the True Cross. Being the good child, and the smart child with a plan for his future, he has more worth in the eyes of society. He is better than his brother, and he knows it, but he also knows that Rin is (in his eyes) inherently good and kind, and Yukio is not. He is better, but he is also lesser than Rin.

Protecting his brother is also where I believe his relationship with Rin begins to deteriorate to a dramatic extent. Yukio wants strongly to protect him, because that’s where he believes his worth as a person is, but in a way, he resents the burden that’s been placed on him. He has to be the responsible one, the mean one, the assertive one, the negotiator, the one to clean up Rin’s messes, the one to fix everything, the one to give up his entire childhood just for exorcism to protect Rin. Yukio is a child, and one who was denied the chance to be one. He was never allowed the chance to selfishly externalize his emotions (like children should be ALLOWED to do, imo) and so never learned how to process his own emotions.

At this point in his life, he resents Rin for being ‘allowed’ to be selfish and destructive, he resents Rin and the world for having this burden of responsibility put on his shoulders, and he resents himself still for being an unlikable, weak, and worthless person, and for resenting Rin and the world. He is vastly, vastly unhappy and hateful towards himself, and is already suffering in the assortment of circumstances he finds himself in.

And then throw in a murdered dad, because why not?

Now, the burden that was placed on him and shared between himself and Shiro, is now solely on him. On top of having his father suddenly and traumatically killed, he is now responsible (in his mind) for Rin. One could argue Mephisto, but he proved... extremely quickly that he was not interested in the finer details of guardianship LMAO. Yukio now is the sole bearer of Rin’s wellbeing, and he finds very quickly that this is a role he does not (and cannot, as a child himself) succeed in.

Yukio has been thrust abruptly into the world of becoming a parent, in an extremely twisted and awful way. He is a child, in an adult field, surrounded by adults, treated as an adult, and now he essentially is the parent of Rin. This is complicated enough with Rin’s personality, but then you have to add in that Rin is the illegitimate and illegal son of Satan, and his very existence, if revealed, would lead to his certain death. As Rin reveals his powers, gets sentenced to execution, picks fights with Amaimon, uses his powers across Kyoto and in damn near every public space whenever possible, Yukio’s distress and mental state begins to worsen as he realizes that he is failing. 

We can see him begin to externalize his mounting frustrations and anger and fear, through reprimanding Rin harshly, threatening Suguro, threatening Mephisto, and also that scene where he punched the shit out of Rin for being reckless. Yukio needs his brother alive, because Rin is his only family left, and because his worth as a person is tied directly to protecting Rin. It is his only purpose in life, and he is failing at it, and he deeply resents Rin for making it difficult, and himself for failing. His downward spiral begins to become visible around these points, and we can also see the start of his worsening habit of taking his volatile emotions out on others physically.

He is progressively being backed into a corner with no way out, and like a wounded animal, he is lashing out at anyone who dares come close. Yukio’s violent and hurtful behavior towards others is not because he’s an uptight asshole who does it for fun, but because he’s a traumatized, depressed, and suicidal child who is losing the one person he has left and who gives his life worth. He has no substantial guidance from the adults around him, and for all intents and purposes, he is alone. He wants to rely on Rin, but because Rin has a tendency to process negative emotions by shoving them down and away, Yukio can’t rely on him.

This is what I think is the most heartbreaking aspect of Yukio. He is a hurt and lonely child, who is deeply mentally ill, who is losing his brother and lashing out at others because he doesn’t know what else to do. He is acutely aware that he is being cruel and unkind, and he doesn’t want to be. He wants to be good, and kind, and liked, and valued. He doesn’t want to hurt others.

This scene makes this obvious. This is what I believe is the cliff’s edge where Yukio takes the drop that leads him to where he is in the manga now. He is terribly lonely, and hateful, but in a moment where he lashes out emotionally, he managed to do something he feels is well and wholly despicable. Shiemi is the one person he cares for genuinely, healthily, and truly. She wants to help him because she cares for him, and yet he hurts her for daring to mention his largest insecurity- and he knows that.You can see it written across his expression- he’s shocked, and horrified with himself for how he lost control. His hands are shaking.

He managed to do the one thing he feared above all, and that was to let Shiemi see who he ‘truly’ was. He hurt someone who unselfishly cared for him, and this is where he begins to think that he has gone past the point of no return. He is so awful, and terrible, that he hurt someone as kind as Shiemi. He is so worthless that he is failing at the one job that gives his life meaning. He is so evil and cruel that he has shoved everyone away, and now he truly has no one left.

He is worthless, and evil, and terrible- this is how Yukio views himself. Why not kill himself, and then the world would be rid of him?

Except, now another wrench has been thrown in. Yukio finds that, with Satan possessing his eye, he has become worse that worthless and evil and terrible. Now, his life poses a threat to humanity, by allowing Satan a way into Assiah. His life isn’t just worthless now, it’s become an active threat to the world, in his mind. Now, he can rationalize that his death is necessary. He is suicidal, but he has convinced himself that it’s fine, because he needs to die anyways.

This is where I believe he is in the manga, now. He is convinced that he has to die, and says it’s because he wants to save the world from Satan, but it is extremely likely that it’s mostly because he is extremely suicidal. He is hellbent (pardon the pun) on his own death. He will stop at nothing to secure his own death, no matter what it takes. His trauma, his mental illness, his self-hatred- they’re all open and exposed, now. If he’s an evil, unlikable, and cruel person, why not commit to it? Why not make himself the most evil, the most unlikable, the most cruel, if it means someone will finally get tired enough to truly put himself out of his misery?

He’s cast aside his true kindness and gentleness, and has embraced what he believes to be his ‘true’ self. He will die, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make sure that happens.

That’s my take on him, what I believe his mindset is and how it developed. Yukio is not a hero. He hurt Shiemi, threatened his students, threatened his guardian, and shot Rin multiple times. Whether or not Rin heals from it is irrelevant, Yukio still made the conscious choice to harm Rin, and others. But, he has never done so because he is evil inside. He’s done so because he’s a wounded animal, lashing out, determined to secure his own death. He is a traumatized child who has hurt others. 

He deserves kindness and understanding, but also to be held accountable for his actions. He’s what I believe to be the embodiment of the ugly side of mental illness that many people are resistant to see. His character is uncomfortable to read, because he is startlingly real and three-dimensional. Like many of the characters in aoex, he cannot be classified as good or bad. He is a complex person, with good and bad aspects, like any person in real life.

godDAMN could someone give him a HUG and some THERAPY PLEASE.

[rurifangirl]

aight. here somes the ask lore thingie

tw for ppl readin: mention of mental illness, father mention

firstly, how did rui end up meetin the rest of the gang? did they all have sum sort of run in? did they just happen to meet on exident?

also is the father a villain? i remember ya mention him, and was wonderin

and do they have a specific place where they stay? like in a dormstory, a single house, do they live in a single town, or in completly different places?

do any of them suffer from mental/physical illnesses? if they do, how does it affect their life/relationships w others?

Aight, so here we go, be ready cuz shit's long.

(1st part - The Rui n the gang meeting; The Shou meeting) No Tw

Honestly, I also kinda wanted to do this for quite a long time, so I'm gonna firstly talk about how the gang (w/o really mentioning the others name's since they're gonna get introduced soon) met itself and decided to form, and then I'll individually do It in Lyva's and Shou's case, specifically Shou's since i mentioned that his meetin was somethin id have to take care of in another post, so i will rn.

First things first, w the whole gang. Now It wasn't really casually, mainly because Lyva n Rui did meet up, but It was during a special occasion still, that being a really important manifestation in one of the main regions in my oc universe. (They don't have name's yet so pls don't bash me🤡) Them being primarly the Forest, where Rui eventually lives in after all of his past shit, the near-countryside part, where Lyva was living, a pretty much city living on water, where Shou's currently living, and many more, as such the dunes with which I'll introduce Qiran (hopefully tomorrow/today),The sea itself, some High up places and as I said many, many other more. Other than this brief intro, they meet up where Lyva used to live, but mainly because of problems and out of conviniance.

Everyone had something to take back from, so they agreed to help eachother to reach that end, so it's all really planned. Now i won't really go w Lyva, cuz i explained how she met Rui the first time n how they helped her, so I don't need to ramble more on this. Now I'm gonna go w Shou's part though.

This Is more of a note i wanted y'all to know first, cuz i really like how Lyva n Rui met him the first time (cuz the second time was when the gang then all agreed to form n all that jazz.). Basically, Rui n Lyva were out, n visiting new places as such, to prepare themselves further and to try and search for more weapons, cuz they both knew that they'd eventually get in trouble, and even though they still are good, they wouldn't stand much a chance, n since Shou's Place is known for its production they decided to go. N fun fact, there's many funny shit that happends, for example Rui tries to touch a fish, but gets SLAPPED by It. They're still mad >:[. Ajkskdj anyways, some other stuff happends n they just, lose themselves. They had a map ofc but still managed to do so. But Rui was usin It so, I don't really blame em for gettin lost.

Shit happends n they find themselves pratically in front of his shrine/palace. Shou's servitors (cuz he saw everything happend from afar n gave them the okay) brought em in, but rather than makin em idk some tea n just making them recouver, Shou rather put them under some "tests" w/o tellin em, to see if they were any use.

For example he brought them some cups of tea, but before drinking them Rui noticed somethin unusual in the water, so they gave Lyva a sign to not drink It, n as Shou asked as a reason why they just replied that they weren't thirsthy, leavin Shou in a kind of defeated state. Bitch if i love this part honestly, there's so much fun to seein all of their reactions, but I'm gonna go brief rn. So other of this tests pass later n Shou eventually gets upset cuz they're all winnin n seemingly makin fun of him, lettin him in a weaket standpoint, n a fight happends. Even though it's a 2v1 situation he can still manage pretty well, so It ends in a draw. They get to talk after this and get to understand that they don't have to necesseraly be on the opposite side, though Shou Is still unsure whether to belive in that or not.

After they leave him, pratically almost alone w only a bunch of servitors helpin him. He admits defeat n won't show up until the event and yadayada. (Also it's during this weak time of his he'll meet Qiran which i already have plans w so it's all goin to be said bout their relationship in their post.)

(2nd part, the father mention.) Tw:father mention

So it's true that w Shou i did mention his father, but I'm not entirely sure bout his involvment honestly. In theory he kind of is a villain itself, even because of his devilish nature, so it's true, but im not sure whether to make him an independent villain or part of a group of them. But rather than that yes, i do want to make him some sort of villain in the end, because that's also part of Shou's agreement to be part of the group. I will make concept art for him so he'll definetly be involved. Not gonna lie, mabye that bastards also involved w Rui's cult too in a way or another but im givin in too many details holy shit I'll never get outta this fuck

(3rd part- where do they live) No Tw

They live in their own homes honestly, but It would be no surprise if they'd all decide to sleep over someone in specifical, though they have their own place. I made some concepts for Rui's intern home, which here It Is 😤 (forgive me for the bad quality but it's 2 am rn 🤡) I made this a while ago but only did Rui's, so I'll do Lyva's, Shou's n the other one's too. They live in different places, for the exception of, atm, Qiran, since I'm gonna say that they're more of a traveller n don't have a stable home.

(4th part- the mental/physical ilnesses) Tw: Self harm and Mental ilness mention

Well, this Is gonna be a ride. They all suffer from Ptsd, which Rui n Shou suffering from It the most. It still affects them all, though in different occasions, so Imma just do them in specifical. (Also because i gotta add some shit to shou that i didn't wanna add because i thought It was too much honestly)

Rui-

It affects them really much. They use crystals n gems to avoid anything going w their past or anything remotely related It, as whenever they feel awful about havin those flashbacks when they still were a child. They never want to talk about what happened, n during their moments It gets really, really bad. Both emotionally and physically, as their body sometimes cannot handle anything so it completely shuts down. They never really got any help for It as Rui's too scared to share bout their experience, both because of trauma itself that doesn't make them say anything even if they wanted to and because of the cults influence, so either way they've got to handle It by their own.

Lyva-

Other than havin to deal w mornin sickness, which Is the least for her, she has to deal w her neglectful childood and how desperate she's always been for litteraly anythin, whether it's related about love,friendship, food, toys, anything. She tried to seek for help and semi found It, but as of now she can't keep up w It and has better things to take care of. It's still really bad overall, but she's hoping for things to get better. Spoiler It really won't.

Shou-

⭕Tw for sh⭕

It's... really fucking bad. I'm gonna get outta this w saying something i didn't want to add because it's really triggerin, but im gonna do It now. So basically, I've mentioned them acting feminenly for his own mother, but i didn't say what would've happened if he displeased her. She would just stare down at him and whispering some awful shit or names. This would happen especially whenever he'd slip off that mask of his or revealed even a tiny bit of his devilish essence. Note that he's still a child here. So, best thing he could to was to "punish" himself, which basically consists of him scratching his arms too much and, i don't really want to continue this, forgive me but it's kind of triggering even for me. But...you can guess what he's doing, since he even to this day still keeps sharp nails. I'm sorry for putting this, but it's another way to show how his mother fucked him up and now suffering from this.

I'm sorry for rushin the last part but i'm not personally vibing w it.

Tags undercut

@a-chaotic-dumbass @spoopy-fish-writes @dopesaladlady @damnfoxx (I'm really unsure bout taggin ya in this ;-;)

If you want your tag removed, dm me cuz it's 3 am at the moment n i may have messed em up. (I'm not gonna recheck tomorrow so that's why)

[fusonzai]

I think I'm talking about confidence, I'm not too sure.

I was fifteen when I first saw Great Teacher Onizuka. My friend had lent me the DVD set (as you did when it was 2008) and I was about to spend the day watching it, feigning some illness to get out of school for the day. I needed some time alone, to process everything that had been going on around me.

For context, my parents were in the middle of a divorce. My mum, the most amazing person in the world to me, was not having a good time and I was not at all possessed with the skills to help her cope. Processing the concept of divorce, while trying to mediate the two adults going through it, wasn’t something I could handle. I didn’t know what I was doing. I needed a whole day away from friends and away from parents. While everyone was at their day job, I could think about everything and nothing, uninterrupted.

My attempt at getting out of school worked, however it came with a caveat. Mum had decided she’d take the day off with me. Feeling defeated but still stubborn, I insisted that if she was going to stay home too that we were watching GTO. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.

GTO begins with our protagonist, Eikuchi Onizuka, squatting down by a payphone, trying to stare up the skirts of some high school girls coming down the nearby escalator. That’s a bold open. Two delinquents notice this and attempt to then extort him for cash. He promptly beats them up, forcing them to use all the money they have to buy him some food from the nearby convenience store. This scene establishes a few things straight off the bat: Onizuka is, first and foremost, a pervert and he’s physically strong but not to the point of unfairly asserting dominance over others. Onizuka dreams of being a teacher of all things. He wants to be the teacher he never had, being there for students outside the classroom as well as in. The series showcases Onizuka using his ex-biker gang leader skills and sheer determination to change the attitude of the antagonist students in his class. Each week he solves the reason behind their resistance toward him and they join his team until eventually he really is the Great Teacher, Onizuka.

The first delinquent problem Onizuka solves is that of Mizuki Nanako. Her parents aren’t divorced but they’re not exactly doing well. Ever since her father’s company started doing well and they moved into a mansion, she feels as though her parents just aren’t seeing eye to eye anymore. She blames it on a simple wall separating her parents’ private rooms. Before it got put up, her parents would talk and laugh together, sharing in their joys but also their defeats. Then before she knew it, they put a wall up and stopped sharing anything at all.

So, Onizuka arrives at her house. He’s got a bandana tied around his head, his abs gleaming as he’s smoking a cigarette. More importantly, he’s holding a sledgehammer, ready to demolish that wall. With her parents yelling at him threatening to call the police, Onizuka ascends the staircase and begins to take down that wall. Every powerful swing, shaking the wall and cracking the foundation.

(What a man what a man what a man what a might good man)

It felt cruel watching this scene with my mum. Here we were, two people still trying to process a big life event, opting to spend the day away from the problem. Here Onizuka was, just smashing through the problem with nothing but conviction, stupidity and sheer confidence. I couldn’t quite conceptualise the thought just yet but I think I envied that confidence. I wanted to be able to take a sledgehammer to this invisible problem and fix it. I didn’t know what an actual sledgehammer would solve nor was I even able to figure out what my situational sledgehammer would be, I just knew I wanted to be more like that. I wanted that confidence; I just didn’t know what it was yet.

Confidence. A complete assuredness in your actions. You may not have any idea of the outcome of said actions but you’re certain in the choice you made taking them. Maybe that’s just one definition. I struggle to this day with how to define confidence, I’ve been confident at different times in my life for different reasons. Mainly it’s been something I’ve found as I’ve gotten older though.

I struggled a lot with it when I was younger. I’d struggle to find it and when I did there was someone there trying to take it from me almost immediately. Pink polos were gay, skinny jeans were gay, being interested in anything outside the norm was gay as well. I wasn’t bullied by any means but there was always somebody around to tell you what they thought. I’d fold under that kind of pressure. I remember when I was 10 and we were in music class, I sang a little too loud and the popular girls behind me started pointing and laughing, clipping me before I got too sure of myself.

I got older and I thought I’d found confidence through weight training, but it was just arrogance. I genuinely thought I was better than other people in my creative writing class because I picked heavy things up and put them down. Of course, this had a drawback, whenever I’d meet someone bigger than me, I’d feel pathetic, jealous and inferior. I thought I’d rid myself of this arrogance when I started studying Japanese. My initial study was diligent and excessive. I’d have two Japanese classes a week and spend the rest of my time after work revising. Looking back now it was necessarily efficient studying, but in terms of time put in the hours were there. I believed I was working hard, which led to this arrogance in my abilities. An arrogance that was swiftly cut down whenever I met somebody better than me.

So, I always arrived at this juncture where I’d learn a new skill or hobby and wonder how to be confident in myself without comparing myself to others. I didn’t quite know how to praise myself for doing well at the gym or learning something new in Japanese without immediately comparing myself to others. It meant that I’d occasionally have these emotional highs when I achieved something only to be brought down to earth when I saw that somebody could do it better. I didn’t know how to make my achievements my own. The confidence I had was too fickle, it didn’t come from within and it often led to feeling superior to others based off of a single quantifier.

I was still uncomfortable with myself. I wanted outside validation which led to comparison, boasting and arrogance. I didn’t realise that I couldn’t get any of that from anyone else, it all had to come from within.

It’s taken me 14 years, but Onizuka finally made sense to me. I was watching the incredibly famous (in Japan) live action version of GTO one night, which turned into a nostalgia trip as all the episodes were almost identical to their anime equivalent. As I was watching I was wondering why I still hold this fictional character in such high regard, of all the powerful charismatic anime protagonists I watched in my teenage years, why does Onizuka persevere?

It’s because he’s kind of a dork.

(Get you a man that can do both)

Along with the confidence and strength that being a protagonist in a medium geared towards young boys affords you, Onizuka also has some very human flaws and vulnerabilities. The intense scenes like surprise renovating Nanako’s house or rescuing a whole bunch of kids from a gang are always juxtaposed with him being absolutely wayward in so many other aspects of life. He lives at the school because he can’t afford rent, he’s 26 and never had a girlfriend and his only friends are his students. We are always shown that his confidence isn’t intrinsically linked to how well his life is going, it’s just his feeling and determination in the moment. For all that bravado we see, we’re also shown the more human, relatable aspects. He’s amazing, brave and confident, but at the same time he’s still vulnerable and human.

Yet here’s the thing, I thought confidence meant a lack of vulnerability. I thought one couldn’t be both confident and vulnerable. This isn’t some segue into Boys Don’t Cry or a delve into masculinity. I didn’t believe that vulnerability wasn’t masculine, I just thought that vulnerability meant you had a long way to go before you were allowed to be confident.

(These lines go from bravado to insecurity in an instant, but I still think Tyler is confident as fuck)

I show what I feel to be the pretty vulnerable content on this blog. I write about my doubts and insecurities, the events that shaped me and the times in my life where I really felt at my lowest. I document the struggle I find myself in now, trying to carve something for myself and come to terms with the changes that keep happening around me. I don’t think anybody reading this would have an image of me as an outgoing, confident person. There’s rays of positivity sprinkled in occasionally but it’s generally content that I struggle to tell people in person.

Before starting this blog, I would have imagined that if I wanted to become this confident idealised version of myself, I’d need to erase any form of vulnerability. Delete the Instagram posts with moody lyrics, delete the couple shots and stop caring. I’d need to kill part of myself to become someone different. I couldn’t consciously accept that they were two signs of the same coin, even if I knew it in the back of my mind. The more I’ve been writing the better I’ve been feeling. These fears and insecurities being out in the open don’t make me any weaker, they actually feel like progress. My weaknesses will exist regardless of whether or not I tell people about them, my insecurities won’t disappear overnight. I’ll never be someone I’m not. What I can do is take these things that used to terrify me and put them out in the open. In my last piece I waxed on about making my words my own, by verbalising and bringing these thoughts into the open I feel like they become my own. They’re not completely stripped of power but they don’t hold the same sway over me that they once did.

So that leaves me with confidence. I can air my vulnerabilities and doubts but then where does my confidence come from? How do I then stop it from becoming arrogance?

Let me tell you about Charisma Man.

You know how when Superman goes back to Krypton he’s just a regular person, but on Earth he’s basically a God? Charisma Man is a joke (turned comic) about how Western Men often believe themselves to be Superman on Earth when they move to Japan. Why? You’re basically bombarded with compliments from the get-go. You get told your Japanese is amazing (when it’s not), that you’re so tall (when you’re short back home) and that you’re such a handsome man (when all experiences up until now have led you to believe the opposite). Thus, you create a kind of false confidence for yourself. Or do the people around you do it for you? You yourself haven’t changed but the people around you have, and they’re whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

(Honestly didn't know it was a comic, initially heard of it on a subreddit making fun of other expats in Japan)

Hell, maybe I am good looking? I studied Japanese for a year back home, maybe I am just really good at it? Maybe those people around me back home were just obnoxiously tall and mean. Maybe I am the shit. You begin to formulate this new identity for yourself. You are Charisma Man now. You’ll be making heaps of money, have girls on standby and be loved by everybody in no time.

Except that never happens.

The reality of Charisma Man isn’t so bright. You’re probably an English teacher living somewhere far away from the big city. Your apartment is probably small and old and your salary is half as much as you were making back home. Despite being told about how good your Japanese is, you still can’t turn on the TV and watch a program. You still can’t go to the bank and open an account with your bilingual Japanese friend. You’re still single and you’re probably getting fatter off convenience store fried chicken, if anything.

It’s fake confidence with no merit, built on nothing. You haven’t put yourself out there or done anything to earn that confidence so it always feels foreign to you. There isn’t some feat you perform or some hurdle you cross to get that kind of confidence. You’re not smashing walls with your sledgehammer or confronting your fears and growing. You just get fed compliments until your confidence balloon bursts.

I felt like I was Charisma Man for a hot minute. Separated from everyone I knew, out drinking every night, being complimented left right and centre. I kept trying and failing to keep my feet on the ground. Back then I thought it was new-found confidence, but I wasn’t really coming out of my shell; I was just being obnoxious. After long the facade faded and I realised I was the exact same Elliot I was back in Australia, just with less money and a nicer haircut.

I began to think about my experience. Why was I so confident? Why did it dissipate so quickly? Why was I not the only one that experienced this little phenomenon?

I came to the conclusion that confidence can come from many places. It can come from other people, but then it’s reliant on the praise of others. It’s shallow, fickle and bound to dissipate sooner rather than later. You’re constantly reliant on the praise of others to affirm who you are as a person, you can fool people into giving you praise but that goes away before you know it as well.

It’s a big enough of a struggle to understand yourself, it’s near impossible to understand strangers. Relying on such an unstable form of validation is essentially just inviting mental trauma in the long run.

On the other hand, confidence can also come from within.

After I distanced myself from all that charisma, I began to realise that I felt my best and my most confident when I actually put the work in. I started properly studying, eating well, and writing down my thoughts. It didn’t matter as much if people didn’t say anything, because I went to bed every night knowing that I put in enough work. Nobody said anything about the change, but I felt like I was becoming my own biggest supporter.

It’s both rewarding and daunting when you switch dopamine suppliers. I used past tense in those last few sentences because that particular fountain hasn’t been flowing so well lately. The flip side of not letting other people’s compliments fuel you anymore is that when you’re not doing right by yourself, that confidence tend to dry up pretty quickly.

[flying-elliska]

Elu feelings

I cope by writing meta, so expect a lot of it this weekend. I think I’m going to be processing s3 for a long time tbh.  I feel like all ships have a few core emotions they run on, you know ? 

The first one I can think for Eliott and Lucas is relief. Like look at them after their first kiss, hugging and laughing. It’s like this big stormcloud of tension that has just broken into rain over their heads and is now watering their crops. Relief because they’ve both been lonely for a long time and they just found each other and it’s downright miraculous.

 It’s that corniest of corny tropes, love at first sight, except for them it really works, because they show us time and time again how perfectly they fit together. They both want something committed and deep, they’ve got artistic sensibilities, they’ve been hurt a lot by life but still want to believe, they’re both so passionate. Eliott’s romantic playfulness manages to reach beyond Lucas’ walls, Lucas’ fierce devotion is able to reach through Eliott’s pessimism and self-hate. They can be themselves together after a lifetime of hiding. Eliott gives Lucas signs that it’s okay to be goofy, and Lucas shows appreciation for it. During the piano scene, Eliott looks at Lucas like water in the desert. And Lucas just blossoms as soon as he doesn’t have to bother with shallow, bullshit pretend relationships anymore. I don’t like the ‘we complete each other trope’ usually, but those two, they really do. They went on their own journey but it’s really like something wasn’t right with the universe until they got together. And look at how relieved they are to see each other again after being pulled apart. The minute by minute becomes that too in the end, as does the parallel universe metaphor - there could be so many ways and so much time for them to be apart, and they’re going to make damn sure they never have to be apart again. It’s fragile and it’s beautiful and it’s the most right thing ever. They just fit. 

The second one is...probably yearning, working along with the first one. They’re both just so needy. Eliott is in general ‘a lover of all things’ (like Maxence said) - and as shown through the Polaris video, he desperately wants a true soul connection, something that goes beyond appearances, beyond fears. He puts that film out in the world like a message in a bottle. He doesn’t get funding, but it does reach the one person it needed to. The story could be hella sappy and it would fit the whole artsy teenager with too many feelings thing, but it’s just so earnest. He’s terrified of ‘the dark’ (ie his issues with mental illness) and what it would do to people around him, and yet he’s still willing to take his deepest, most desperate desire and put it into the palm of the world. There’s something so brave about that. And Lucas ?  He starts out as disconnected and adrift, pretends to be tough and a player but scratch the surface even once and wow. The way he clings to his mask speaks of his fear of being left alone. And the way he just opens up to Eliott so fast - he’s been looking for that forever, really. Someone to really see him, and see that need. The way things went in his family probably hurt him so deeply because under his grumpy façade, Lucas strikes me as someone incredibly loyal and caring, and what his father did probably shook a lot of his core beliefs. Because of this and his internalized homophobia, he took on a ‘feelings make you weak’ demeanour. So it’s so important that him and Eliott made it through - it allows him to believe in love again, that he is worthy of being loved, it’s some deeply existential shit. (even though the part with his friends was also crucial.) And it’s why it never seems rushed that they move so quickly. It’s really like a spark comes and starts a wildfire in a few moments because everything was ready for it already. I would buy them moving in together, for real. Obviously they might have issues down the road because of this. Lucas’ abandonment issues and Eliott’s troubled self-image and issues linked to bipolar are not going to just vanish overnight. They just care and want this so much they might rush into things. But you really believe they’re going to pull through and spend the rest of their lives together, anyway. 

I’m also thinking of faith. That’s the whole point of the Remember montage. The beginning of their relationship is really messy. Eliott cheats on his gf and bails on him and sends him all sorts of mixed signals, Lucas says some really ignorant things about mental illness and pretends to be into girls and uses Chloé and says mean things about him to his friends. Lucas is forcibly outed, then there’s the whole houseboat which might have been very traumatic for the both of them - someone else in their shoes might have said, this is too much for me, and they might not have been entirely unjustified. I feel one important aspect of this pairing is that you’re never entirely sure they’re going to end up together. Sure, they’re perfect for each other, but their issues interact in ways that mean they’re uniquely suited to hurt each other as well. When you look at Lucas’ past, Eliott on paper really isn’t an ideal partner. Lucas too can be sharp and mean and reckless, or he can go overboard when he cares about something. They’re both very aware as it develops that this could end up being dangerous for them, that they could wreck each other. This version of the story just has so much more tension and uncertainty than the other remakes, for some reason - maybe because Lucas is more isolated, or Eliott is less cool on the surface than Even, or maybe it’s down to technical choices too. The amount of feelings between is overwhelming right from the start, it’s like, it could easily become too much. And then there’s the whole stigma from society thing. And of course, love, between anyone, remains one of the most terrifying things in life, because of the trust and openness and vulnerability it demands. So faith is important, because it implies making a bet that things will turn out alright in the end. It’s about compassion and moving on from the past but also learning from it. And choosing to put the positive possibilities above the negatives. They choose to have faith in themselves, too, when they choose the relationship. That they’re going to figure it out, be better at communicating. The church montage makes a lot of parallels between religious faith and love, as being a refuge in times of sorrow, something true and sure when everything is uncertain.  It should be the meaning of ‘christ-like’ love. And this is not about Lucas being some sort of savior figure for Eliott in spite of his ‘flaw’ - it’s for himself too, that compassion and that faith. That he can be better than his father. That he recognizes the faith Eliott put in him by telling him about Polaris - now he probably understand fully what it means, that Eliott was telling him he was stuck in that darkness too, that he gave Lucas this key because he had faith in Lucas’ capacity to love. It’s about people’s faith deserving to be rewarded in kind.  It’s so beautiful, I want to cry.

And last but not least - tenderness. If I had to pick only one, it would be this one. And it’s not (only) about them being so cuddly and prone to PDA as soon as they get together, it’s a much deeper thing. It’s like they look at each other and go ‘hello, your soul is beautiful and belongs with mine, let me make some room for you’. It’s in the way they approach each other - Lucas makes the first move, then Eliott shows his interest in a way that is ‘chelou’ enough to signal something more is going on - repeats his name only for him - but never pushy. It’s the entirety of the piano scene, and the way they keep unveiling little bits of who they truly are to each other - Eliott’s wacky music and moves are incredibly important for that, and so is Lucas’ playing - it’s them creating a space for each other saying, look you’re safe with me, I am weird and intense and passionate and artistic and I know you are too. It’s that conversation as they walk home, the carefully worded sentences where they’re pushing each other towards the conclusion of ‘not necessarily a girl’. And it’s of course the first kiss - Eliott pushing at Lucas enough to show him how much he cares and get past his walls, but letting him do the first move. And Lucas letting Eliott know he has seen Polaris. And obviously the entirety of Samedi 9 : 17. Lucas knowing what to say to reach Eliott, his emotional intelligence. Eliott’s little drawings, and his romantic gestures that show Lucas he deserves a grand love story. Lucas taking care of Eliott after his episode, the croissants and the flowers and the meals. The playfulness, the care, the attention. They want to help each other be as free and happy as they could be, they care so much about each other’s developpment ? The way they’re constantly checking in with each other - minute by minute, and the reciprocity of the bus stop scene - Eliott knowing how to use it to soothe Lucas’ fears as well, showing the truth of the concept that they both will have difficult moments. They’ve bruised each other’s hearts, it’s heavy, but they also handle it as a privilege - it’s so much better than not being in each other’s lives. When they’re together, it has the carefree vibe of young first love, joyful and clumsy and rowdy ; but you catch glimpses of them as old souls, too, with a maturity and selflessness and depth of love that is just awe inspiring. It’s love as sanctuary and refuge, and love that opens the doors to the world. 

I’m never going to be over it tbh. 

[plinys]

dear yuletide author (2018)

hello and welcome to my letter!

i am so happy to have you reading this letter and going to be writing a fic for me! why? because you dear writer are an amazing and wonderful person, deserving of all the kudos in the world!

please remember as you look at these prompts, that if something in my likes inspires you more than any of my specific prompts, totally feel free and run with that, and know that i will enjoy any fic that is gifted to me!!

ao3/lj handle: plinys

now lets get down to business:

the fandoms i’ve requested this year are: Babe - Sugarland ft. Taylor Swift (Music Video) , Dramarama - Monsta X (Music Video) , The Gifted (TV 2017) ,  Partners (TV 2012) , A Simple Favor (2018), and Superman Returns (2006)

but before that, my likes/kinks/dislikes/triggers:

likes: alternate universes, characters that are in character, lady-centric fics, angst, fandom cliches, dysfunctional relationships, friendships, friends/enemies to lovers, soul mates, road trips,  hanukkah fics, jewish characters, bisexual characters, poly relationships, character studies, origin stories, ambiguous endings, meta fic, slow build, fics that incorporate social media, crack treated seriously, drunk confessions, miscommunication,

kinks: threesomes, competence kink, phone sex, masturbation, crying during sex, hate sex, shower sex, praise kink, guys going down on girls, rough sex, first time, spanking, daddy kink, sex in front of mirrors, voyeurism, make up sex

dislikes: pwp, main character death (unless it really makes sense/happens in canon), character bashing, non-con, mpreg, a/b/o, 1st person, 2nd person 

my triggers (please no matter what do not include these): school shootings, cancer, terminal illness, riots, child abuse.

and now to the fun stuff -

Babe - Sugarland ft. Taylor Swift (Music Video) 

characters: Cheating Husband (Babe), Mistress (Babe), Wife (Babe)

where to watch: the music video is up on youtube

prompts: 

right after watching this video, my first thought was that i was disappointed that the cheating husband didn’t die in the end. like he should have died they set it all up for him to die. so do me a favor and write a fic where he gets exactly what he deserved

bonus points if we get something where the ladies team up to do him in, maybe it’s all a big long con, maybe they were actually working together to kill him for the insurance money or something. (make them gay if you want, or make them bonded as friends because the same man screwed them over either way im chill)

alternatively - if someone wants to write smut between the cheating husband and the mistress that’s totally fine by me because imagining brandon routh and taylor swift together is something that i could get behind so uh feel free

honestly if you can make anything come out of this music video it would make me very happy because its one of my favorites and literally any fic about it will be good 

Dramarama - Monsta X (Music Video)

characters: Chae Hyungwon (Dramarama MV)

where to watch: the music video is here on youtube

prompts: 

so a good place to start would probably be with some sort of explanation for what is going on in the music video and there is a lot of theories but honestly ive got like only 80% of a clue after reading them all so good luck. basically if you don’t know anything about who the boys are (i don’t even go here technically, my roommate just showed me the video a while back and when  saw it in the tag set i got super interested in requesting fic about it)

 i nominated hyungwon, he’s the one in the video who is in the suit and sort of giving out all of the watches that enable the other to travel through time. im mainly looking for backstory on his character, what is his role in all of this? what is his motivation? why did he choose this set of people to give the watches too

also related just expanding on the concept of time travel presented in the video. in this case you don’t have to focus on hyungwon, you can focus on the other sort of “men in black” showed or any of the other duo’s presented

honestly whatever you could pull out of this video would be really interesting to me! if something inspires you after watching the video consider total freedom when it comes to this prompt

The Gifted (TV 2017)

characters: Lorna Dane (The Gifted (TV 2017)), Marcos Diaz (The Gifted (TV 2017))

where to watch: all of season one is on hulu, and it’s current airing weekly

prompts:

so i realize that by time reveals are the show will have finished season two so who knows how we will all feel about them by then and what will have happened but right now in canon i am very much emotionally compromised by everything going on with lorna/marcos and so i am asking for 100% shippy prompts for them

there was a lot of missing moments in season one that could be expanded on. when they were together in the underground. fluffy little things with them having discussions about their baby, soft bed sharing stuff, making promises to protect each other, just anything soft with them expecting the baby is right up my alley

and then of course now were in season two and things arent so easy, depending on how things go in canon i would love some sort of fic of them getting back together and getting to be a big happy family. if that means marcos joining the inner circle or lorna leaving, ether way works for me

at nycc sean (who plays marcos) said that “there isn’t a man who loves his daughter more, and he hasn’t even met her” obviously now he has met her. but i would love just some character study of marcos inner turmoil over all of this 

seriously though anything lorna/marcos will make me happy

Partners (TV 2012)

characters: Louis McManus, Wyatt Plank

where to watch: i’ve only found it on less than legal streaming sites

prompts:

if you havent seen this, which you probably have not, it is a very quick watch, it’s like ten episodes of a sitcom, very easy to consume quickly. and im 90% certain that someone has made a cut of just the louis/wyatt scenes on youtube. it got cancelled before its first season ever finished. 

louis/wyatt are an established relationship on the show, very cute and domestic, and just silly sitcom vibes. this is sort of my easy request, because im not really looking for anything dramatic with this one. do you like writing curtain fic? easy fluff? whatever is light and easy and suits your fancy

if youre in a smutty mood you could totally work with this one because i mean established relationship and there was definitely a few fade to black scenes in the sitcom so feel free

before the series ended there was like a discussion of them making their relationship even more serious, obviously that was sort of a cliffhanger to end the series on. but if you would like to expand on that and write where you think their lives would have gone next i would love to read that!

A Simple Favor (2018)

characters: Emily Nelson (A Simple Favor (2018)),  Stephanie Smothers (A Simple Favor (2018))

where to watch: at a theater near you!

prompts: 

okay so i know their relationship dynamic was a little fucked up (or well, a lot) but that is exactly what is so perfect about them. i want dysfunctional relationships, power imbalances, codependency, all the bad wrong dirty tropes that you can fit in with these two

i would LOVE some smut with them. you see my kinks list back up there at the top, use some of those. the more sinful the better, because how could you watch this movie and not think about these two ladies fucking in that fancy house? drinks turns into emily teaching stephanie how to go down on another woman like? these are just things that i greatly need in my life

i am very much interested in reading alternate endings where stephanie took emily up on her offer and ran away with her. where would they go? how do they start over? how do they fall for each other? tell that story (and of course bonus points if its smutty)

or maybe ones where things still go on the canon route but stephanie still cannot stop thinking about emily, and the inevitably of two people always meant to be drawn back together even if its against all logical reasoning

if youre in an au mix mood, these two would be perfect for some sort of slightly fucked up soulmate au. i would love to see something like that

Superman Returns (2006)

characters:  Clark Kent (Superman Returns (2006)), Lois Lane (Superman Returns (2006))

where to watch: i rented it off amazon? not sure if there’s anywhere legally to see it for free

prompts: 

so at the end of the movie lois and clark arent actually together and we never got another movie so i find myself desperately in need of fic in which they do get back together, properly this time, and obviously with some revealing of identities and all that other important stuff

also theyve got a kid together and i am literally always weak for kidfics so i would love something to do with that. clark realizing that he has a son but that he can’t come out as clark and reveal that he’s aware of this and the dilemma that comes from that

or honestly just cute domestic family stuff, feel free to skip right past the getting together and give some nice super family fluff. i just want everyone to be happy 

ANYWAYS I HOPE SOME OF THOSE PROMPTS SUIT YOUR FANCY! no matter what i know i will love whatever you write, thank you!

[justasocialmediastudent]

Is social media really bae?

Over the past few weeks, I have been talking about the identity crisis of Tumble, how social media relates to activism and political engagement. We all know that social media started off with the moto “to connect people worldwide”. Its reachability has been a great help in many ways to from communities and societies. It has linked millions and millions of individuals online and even brought some connections from online to offline. However, troll and social media conflicts exists. There is still this question: Is social media really bae?

Bae has been up to something all the time

Danah Boyd mentioned in the book called It’s Complicated:

Although  new forms of drama find a home through social media, teens’ behaviour have not significantly changed. Social media have not radically altered the dynamics of bullying, but it has made these dynamics more visible to more people. - Danah Boyd

Our bae did nothing wrong by existing and became the medium of trolling and social media conflicts. Trolling and other social media conflicts (or the Internet plague) are everywhere online. It spreads like a plague, disease and social media happens to be the medium. You wouldn’t blame the ship that carries disease-carry rats for the plague outbreak, right? I agree to what Danah Boyd said, especially how Internet makes the conflicts more obvious. Memories stay forever on the Internet, so does mistakes. No matter what you do, you just can’t undo whatever has been done online. This leads to a huge question: Why do people troll or involve in conflicts?

It’s all about ME!

Trollers love reactions from those who they trolled and bullies love to target those who are weak and powerless. The trollers and bullies have a sense of achievement or accomplishment after taking it all out on total strangers. This kind of behaviour is what people called narcissism.

Internet trolls are narcissists, psychopaths and sadists. - Dr. Golbeck

It’s all about themselves, the big word ME! They might have no reflections on their actions or might know that their actions are harmful towards others but hey, they can do it. No one would know. No one would care. It’s the INTERNET! The Internet then become the medium for them to spread this cyber plague. A case for this is the Tyler Clementi case. Tyler was ridiculed by his friends on Twitter after Tyler’s roommate recorded him kissing a boy in their room on his laptop web cam. This happened after he had come out. In the end, he jumped off the Washington Bridge. There is another case where a teenager called Hessay has committed suicide after receiving mean anonymous feedback from Sayat.Me.

I don’t know you, you don’t know me, so……

The concept of anonymity has been the idea of social media in connecting people and creating a safe space for everyone to voice their opinions. It was aimed to create a public sphere for everyone to take part in something without concerning their identity. There is this ideal “equality” for everyone online, but look at how it turns out. Trolling, bullying, harassments, and more ill-thoughts or ideology are being spread online. The idea of freedom of speech has been the shield for those who abuse it. The social media affords people to create fake identities online and start doing whatever they want to, including attacking people online.

Not long ago, when episode 14 of Darling in the Franxx aired, it causes the fandom to rage as the plot twist is unexpectedly different from the fans’ expectation. It leads to some fans string to use thrown-away twitter accounts to send death threats, curses, and harassments to the producer’s tweets.

I don’t belong here

The sense of belonging also plays an important role in social media users behavior online. Most people went online to seek for connection with people, they want to build their own social circle that they feel they belong to. It’s all good when the people connects with one another in a community that are sharing the same hobbies or interests. However, it also forms societies where ideologies and information are being spread from communities to communities. For instance, a person may be inside of a community that loves pets, this person may also be inside a community that pro-guns. Imagine this kind of relationship where each person are in different communities as they have different interest and beliefs, the transmission of information will happen when they start sharing information from each of their own communities. It spreads like a ripple effect. Here are some examples of unhealthy or rather dangerous ideologies that exists online:

Pro-suicide : It’s not that long ago since the Blue Whale challenge came out, “preparing” or encourages teenagers to suicide in order to “become a whale”. It consists of 50 tasks over the span of 50 days which include mutilation, carving blue whale and watch horror or gory videos.There are posts on Tumblr that encourages suicide. Some are even forcing people to suicide.

Thinpo : I believe a lot of people has discovered the dark side of Tumblr that Tumblr is now trying to get rid of. Thinpo came from the word “thinspiration”. There are a huge community online that supports thinpo which also relates to eating disorder such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Majority of the people who supports thinpo would be also in the pro-ana community, where they believe that being thin to the bone and boney figures are attractive. However, they just cannot see that their health is declining and their bodies are slowing dying because of the unhealthy practices. For them, it hurts more to look in the mirror and to being called “fat”. Thinpo can be often found on blogs and Tumblr where they would write blogs about their tips on achieving the boney figure through excessive or extreme dieting or practices.

The two ideologies mentioned above are spread using hashtags, such as #Iamawhale, #proana and #thinpo. The social media affords exposure and findability through the hashtags function but the fact that it also affords unhealthy ideologies to be spreading is also an issue.

Save them, save us

Now most of the social media have revised their community guidelines to prevent these kind of communities online. Does social media governance work? Well, I think it can restrict the access and minimize the spreading of cyber plague but not totally killing it. People will still find ways to get around any restriction or rules. I have seen some blogs that have taken down, came back with a new blog but with secret messages hidden in it, still convey the messages that broke the community guidelines. Bots can only block certain words but not hidden meanings. I think that social media classes should be given to parents and students at young age, so they would understand how Internet works in order to face and handle social media conflicts and trolling the best way.

Social media is love, social media is life

In my opinion, the Actor Network theory can be applied here as social media is a tool used to connect with people, and people are the ones that created social media. Human and this piece of technology are influencing each other. This can also be related to grassroots ‘bystander’ activism, where activism happened because human made social media a medium to spread the awareness or issues, but social media also affords human to be able to connect and form communities and societies. An example of this will be the #MarchForOurLives campaign.

References

Chin, B n.d., ‘ Week 7 Digital Citizenship 3: Trolling & social media conflict ’, MDA20009 Digital Communites , Learning materials on Blackboard, Swinburne University Sarawak, 16 April 2018, viewed 16 April 2018.

[lordofsunshadowandsailor]

replies to replies and sexually charged replies

simblu replied to your post “story (and sexuality) replies”

To be clear.. for other seeing my replies.. I have no problem with what happened because of their same sex (I have male couples in my story) ..it was the lack of love and the presence of shame and disgust that saddened me.

I understood it perfectly from your comments... 

It is Tobio that is disgusted with feeling attracted to men, while Alvar is certainly troubled by it, since it is considered both a crime and an illness. The applicable punishments could destroy both of their lives, or even the treatments considered at the time, such as actual castration, chemical castration, replacement of testicles and... no good prospects in whatever direction they look, is there?

Love would have been very bold at the time, me thinks, shame and disgust and doubt and guilt and fear a lot more common, and representative of the times!

I’m also aware, like you have posted about your own story, of having introduced only male characters so far -- and all of them gay, too, in my own story. Women have been mentioned, like a sister on Alvar’s side, and Ms. Rigidhirta and all the women in Tobio’s household (in fact, he is the only man in it), but visually they will appear only much later.

willky12 replied to your post “story (and sexuality) replies”

I will say that it is hard to comment on these scenes for me because I don't want people misinterpreting my feelings or thoughts. Also I feel like I am almost 'intruding' on the writing. It's very raw and deep and personal. I understand where you are writing from and I understand why. I also don't like to see flippant replies like "nice rug" or "he's gorgeous" or similar, so would prefer you to know that my like is in support and when I feel I can express myself I will.

Thank you for your feedback! And also for understanding -- and seeing the writer behind the text. But you would not be intruding. Others views on the story and characters are so precious to me, like what you said about the recurring dream! The thing about flippant replies made me laugh, because I thought the rug in the scene was actually nice and I hope the guys are gorgeous :) -- but totally understand what you mean! Thank you for your truthful support, sincere interest and all the quality comments!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: With a rather vague recollection of the...”

Like, erm WOW! I had to scroll down your page to get to where I last saw, and i got a glimpse of the story and the shots and I was like "0___0" CAN'T WAIT TO READ! So then I gets to this post and thought, oh is this really where I last read, not about the dream and the angels? So I click Previous and it takes me to the dessert and yes it was right, but then I have to scroll back through your posts because I didn't think to click NEXT so now I get teased twice!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: With a rather vague recollection of the...”

Also, I decided to click on @lordofsunshadowandsailor​ blog to read from there but #83 post is not on that blog that I can find? Or I am going crazy. But anyway, enough from me. On with this VISUAL EUPHORIA!

Tumblr is a very weird media for stories, in my opinion. But this is where I’m in society with great storytellers, and I appreciate the company of all so much! And each of us find a different way of organizing their stories, so that it is very varied among blogs... Post #83 for Chapter Two is exactly where the sequence after the desert dream starts, I’m glad you found it! Clicking on previous/next opens the post in its own window, and I guess it is easier to read chronologically than scrolling up or down.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: While the aristocrat boy did not refuse the...”

Intense :O I am gripped! (Now I've walked the dog, done my reply post and can RELAX with your FANTASIC STORY!!) Also I always thought Tobio was a Top. The wording here about the role he is to take on - beautifully put!

Thank you so much for your enthusiasm with LoSSS!

For many guys, being a top is a cop out, as it is presented as less gay, or not gay at all, since the top does what he does to whatever hole he is getting into, be it a woman’s or a man’s. In this same logic, bottoming is the quintessential gay role-- and therefore I could not phantom one as insecure as Tobio taking such a role, that involves a whole lot of courage and being at ease with oneself, even to take any amount of violence in the physical act, that usually comes from the top. 

All the time I’m trying to indicate things more than properly showing them, choosing the words according to that principle, too. 

As for the role Tobio is about to take -- he owes it to Alvar, who quite bravely immediately puts them in their respective places, sensing what is most comfortable for both of them.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Tobio could have blamed the exiguous space...”

OMG THE SLY DOG!!! Alvar! Who'd have thought? I hope poor Tobio can handle him. Also this was so erotic to read. It got me twinging!!! :O

Alvar would be in absolute shock to be called ‘sly dog’! Of course this perspective will change in a later post, when the concept of erastes and eromenos in paiderasteia is introduced, and we understand he is just conforming to an ideal form of love, as he sees it.

I should admit this was erotic to imagine and to write, but also challenging, since I did not want it to sound like an erotic fantasy or a script to porn... I wrote and rewrote this so many times, and am not sure I’d ever print this on paper!

But that the words have had an effect on you... Isn’t it reading some wonderfully magical trick?!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Afraid he would finish before they began,...”

Yeah that is a real fear for him, Penicillin eh? I hope Alvar is clean, but I doubt it tbh now I look at him lol (Judgemental much?)

Imagine a medicine student, and how much he saw this in his studies, or even was discretely approached by guys from the sports teams for help... All the time he fears being caught, losing his reputation -- and though Tobio would be able to treat himself if he caught any venereal disease, he knows how hard it would be to hide it from his colleagues. I wanted to show yet another fear keeping Tobio from having sex.

But all too soon Tobio finds himself planted inside Alvar, who has devoured him, and he finds no forces to retreat...

As for Alvar, he looks a little dusty in those clothes, doesn’t he? And though not taking daily baths, like everyone else back then, I’d say he is clean, though I cannot attest it -- whatever is most interesting to the plot should happen. Please judge as much as you feel like, but please share it with me!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Long overdue, urgent satisfaction...”

Subjugating Terror! Wow, amazing wording to capture the mood :O I LOVE THIS!!!

This is the heat of the moment. Tobio has passed an epic threshold in his life -- sex has to be that powerful a happening for him as to momentarily win over his religiosity. Thank you for your appreciation!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: The front door cracked open, letting in the...”

JESUS F CHRIST! How brazen are these two!! That was a close call!! Whew! I had to lean forward to look at this in detail. Amazing picture of naughtiness!!! :D :D :D

Like other scenes for this sequence, I fear it has turned out too dark, and one might not notice the two men kneeling behind the bench... But it had to be so, if I wanted to be coherent with them being sheltered by the darkness of the niche. 

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: “It’s complicated for them, we all know it....”

I am glad I am reading this now when I know there are more fabulous posts ahead, and don't have to wait for more :D :D :D

I’m rushing to finish this scene and this chapter, since I’m going on holidays soon, so whenever I have at least 7 posts ready, I’ll release them!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: The scandal. And subsequent expulsion. ...”

This is erotica writing at its finest. I can't believe the thoughts this is giving me! Also, perhaps Tobio will be ok with Alvar being so tight and small a bottom - unused and virginal but just as keen as eager to get filled for the first time as Tobio was to fill it. I love these guys. They seem some privacy. Or do they? I sort of am turned on by the public woohoo going on here :D

I think by this point it’s been hinted that Alvar is not unused nor virginal at all -- though he is not promiscuous, either. Sex back then had completely different standards, from what I’ve researched.

I wonder if this scene would ever happen in the privacy of a bedroom... I’m inclined to say Tobio fears intimacy, and he would not have assaulted Alvar (assaulted not being a synonym for rape here, since Alvar clearly wants it too, though maybe not with the same intensity as Tobio) if they were on a bed... It being public, and inadequate, and furtive, and clumsy, in the dark, very adequately suits Tobio’s fears. A romantic situation would have scared him to death. He wants it as forbidden as it can be, so that the act can fit within his stream of past and future suffering. 

Still, both men are also very turned on by the public woohoo going on here, as we shall discover in the next posts.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: His own trembling legs feeling weak, and...”

Jees! Tobio nearly strangled the poor boy! I bet Alvar LOVED THAT!!! :D

Maybe he did, didn’t he? And this could send us back to the first scenes of LoSSS, where a grown up Alvar strangles Eddie the Lost Boy, and the tension between them becomes sexual in this post... Maybe he learned it from this occasion with Tobio?

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: His own trembling legs feeling weak, and...”

Also, this pic leaves just the right amount of graphic stimulation for the brain to do the rest. Lovely work Az!!!

I had to move them around, and the bench and the sculpture, unaccountable times before making this shot... There are some pretty grotesque things, and other very explicit shots that will remain unpublished, for I too prefer to leave it to the writing and imagination to complete the scene. Thank you for the compliment!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: “What was that?” Tobio heard one of the...”

Right, this is the one. THIS is the picture that has finally whipped my arse into finally going back to post #1 and finding out wtf Tobio's brain is all about. I'm going to stop being LAZY and do it!!! lol. I fucking LOVE this story! Have I already mentioned that? lol

I have already sent you the link to the first post where Tobio appears, at the very start of chapter Two. 

Since the sex scene is a flashback, reading about them ten years later might not help and even confuse things about when they were so young... We’ve seen Tobio is a widow, with an orphaned baby at home, his face destroyed by the war... It’s sort of touching, I hope, to see them so young and before real tragedy touches their lives...

Thank you for your enthusiasm with LoSSSS!  Have I already mentioned that? :)

declarations-of-drama replied to your photoset “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Panting heavily, his mouth wide open...”

So it's actually snow leaking in and not rain? �� HAHA JK! Wow, Alvar, you little dick pig!! Somebody gonna need to get an antibac wipe :D

Nearly getting caught simply sent Alvar overboard.

Again, being called ‘little dick pig’ would shock him so much, haha. This and other comments made me laugh so hard, thank you!

As for hygiene -- it will be mentioned later, but I’m left wondering if this is the first sex scene this hall has seen in its existence... 

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: With a tenderness that evoked the hurt...”

Yeah who are you kidding. Tobio is not going anywhere! Those scholars would need a bucket of water to separate these two right now. And I would KILL THEM for trying - we need to see this out! So how did Tobio finish? I can hardly wait to click on the next post :O

They are acting like dogs, aren’t them? But I guess their shame would separate them quicker than that bucket of water, if the scholars had not taken the steps up the stairs...

You’re right. Tobio is fooling himself that he will so easily give up on finishing what he has just started, especially after having waited for so long, suffering so much... It also shows him quite coldly evaluating risks, and his self control in holding back his own satisfaction -- like Alvar couldn’t -- and still surrendering to desire in deciding to go on with it. 

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: But except for their own panting, the hall...”

Go for it boy! Gag him and then destroy that peach!

Haha, this made me laugh so hard! I doubt Tobio is thinking in those terms -- still, that is exactly what he is doing!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: But except for their own panting, the hall...”

:D Haha sorry for my crude comments, my natural love for gay men and their activities has been thrown into the light by your story!

I have to confess I would never have imagined this kind of subdued, sublimating writing to have such an effect... And am made to see a different dimension of this scene with your comments. Gay men and their activities certainly appreciate your love for them -- at least, these two here do!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: He tried stuffing Alvar’s mouth with the...”

To be honest I would have offered to make you Alvar's hat as a mouth accessory for this shot. If you need anything like that for this future story, gimme a shout! :D Also, this is exactly how I would have wanted this to go. Pure rampant repression releasing from Tobio's soul. I'm so happy for him :D

Thank you for the offer! Reading is enough for the readers, though those who are only having a peek shall never know of the detail you mentioned... It’s okay not to have everything in the pictures, I guess. I would often have Sims block from this kind of lack, but I’m fighting my own perfectionism to simply keep on with telling the story, no matter the mistakes or shortcomings.

Yes, let’s be happy for Tobio, though he might not be very happy with himself after this is through. For the moment, he is taking revenge on life -- though it’s poor Alvar who is actually taking the beating.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: He tried stuffing Alvar’s mouth with the...”

Also, I don't know if I would have used the word "relieve" - it sounds to me like Tobio's dick is just too big and almost painful. But maybe I have misinterpreted the wording. (That's the only bad thing I can think about this glorious story so far and thought you might appreciate me being honest)

PLEASE be honest all the time! Do quote my writing, question it, criticize it. (Like Alvar here, I need the beating/spanking to progress as a writer, not just the compliments)

I used the word ‘relieve’ not so much as an indication of Tobio’s size, but certainly of how painful this must be for the bottom. How uncomfortable for Alvar it is to be pounded against bare floorboards, his ribs and pelvic bones hurting, how hard it must be to breathe, and the dust that he is breathing not making it any more comfortable, the lack of room, the restraint of their clothes, and the force of Tobio’s trusts... I did not want to bring in all these details, but that’s why I used ‘relieve’. It feels awfully good, but it hurts badly too!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Tobio couldn’t have known – and being it...”

I hope they have a lovely lasting relationship, though I doubt that it would ever be public knowledge, perhaps an unspoken secret, but I do feel bad that they are stuck in this time. Perhaps they could find a time machine? :D

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Tobio couldn’t have known – and being it...”

Also I'm not sure if my comment is in context with the story because I haven't been back to #1 yet. So forgive me if they are some sort of dream-weaving time lords.

We’ve seen as Alvar did not want to take Apollo Jim to any hospital, but still felt confident to knock on Tobio’s door at 6AM in search of help... Their relationship has survived the war, so it holds some quality and strength in it to have lasted that long... We’ll learn more about it, in chapter Three.

It’s sad that their love is considered both an illness and a crime (and a sin, too, for Tobio) -- but at least death penalty no longer applies to it! As for the time machine -- only Alvar has access to it, in his knowledge of history from Ancient Greece, and in his romantic, idealized fantasies that wrap his sexual relations. Tobio, stuck with religion, should better stay where he is than embark in a time machine -- for he could die on a bonfire or impaled with an spear.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Tobio knew nothing about Greek Love, and...”

Ahh! So this does shed a lot of light onto Alvar's experience. Hopefully he's not a boy from the alleys after all!

Do you mean in present time or in previous incarnations? At 19, Alvar is Lord Phallihurst in the making, and we have seen him admit to have never approached prostitute boys before his search for Apollo Jim -- but maybe in another life he might have been himself a boy from the alleys, or a professional in the brothels, or a slave, who knows?

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Knowing only of his pressing satisfaction,...”

This was a perfect encounter for Tobio's first time. How lucky is he to have found such an eager bottom as Alvar.

Yes -- but he doesn’t know it! He has no terms of comparison, and he doesn’t know how Alvar’s training as an eromenos, the submissive lover, has really made it easier for him, being totally inexperienced and hesitant, to carry out his first intercourse with another man.

And as said above, there is no affection in the act, which suits Tobio perfectly, too!

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Whenever his sexual desire sought to...”

The boy has stamina! Unless what he's experiencing is one of those head-fuck moments where time seems like it slows down and a hundred things go through your head, because from the descriptions of Alvar's experience, and grateful need of Tobio's meat I would have guessed that there would be a lot more snow leaking out of somewhere by now!

This post, and the last paragraph in particular, depicts more Tobio’s climax than Alvar’s -- though you’re right to imagine Alvar leaking again from the pounding he has just taken.

In terms of the act, I guess it did not last more than a couple of minutes since Tobio has started trusting -- and it would still be incredibly long, given the exposure of the situation, the risk of being caught still existing, it being his first time, Alvar being not exactly passive... It’s just that I have extended the act along dozens of posts, breaking it with Tobio’s recurring dreams, and the scholars’ arrival, and many personal impressions from both Alvar and Tobio... It doesn’t look so, but as tense and intense as it might have been, it still was a quickie! Which, again, suits Tobio well.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Rather rashly, he was opening an...”

I'm not as good at English as you because I'm only English, but I'm guessing this is the descriptive form of Tobio's ejaculation. I hope his dreams don't haunt him as much now he has crossed this threshold, though I fear his brain is going to make his doubts and self-torment a lot worse :(

Haha, this made me laugh, too!

How many words did I need to use instead of ejaculation, right?! And it’s not even clear when it has happened, is it? 

This particular post is the resolution of his recurring dream -- how the desert is invaded by the water from the dam, as the wall that separated them collapses with Tobio having sex and finally surrendering to his desires. And desert or dam no longer exist for him, but a new, boundless sea, that he’ll have to learn to navigate -- for the rest of his life!

We’ll see more of Tobio as we return to his house and office, ten or so years after this sex scene. We know he has married Emily, who died upon giving birth to their daughter... How to bring together the married man who has become a widower and a father, and this gay sex beast from his youth?

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Enlarged, their expanded bodies...”

:( Such a shame. The heat of the moment has now turned into the hate of the moment :(

I just love it how you played with the words containing the same letters!

Shame is the key word here, though in a different sense for the boys than you are making use of it.

declarations-of-drama replied to your photo “lordofsunshadowandsailor: Though Tobio did not immediately withdraw...”

Heartbreaking to be honest because Tobio will now torment himself badly over this, and poor Alvar who just wants to be fucked and loved by a manly stud :(

From your words of feedback on both Tobio and Alvar, I believe to have succeeded in depicting sex very differently for each of them. Same place, same moment, both engaged in the same act -- but completely different experiences happening concomitantly, opposite even in outcome, as we’ll see with the closing of the scene.

I’m thankful that you have taken so much interest in Tobio, for he is not  my focus -- but I did not want to leave him out of focus either. To me, he is more a mirror in which Alvar, who is the protagonist, can be seen with an specific quality of reflection -- Tobio-nesque, I guess we can call it. At the same time, I don’t want to make Tobio simply that bland mirror.

I’d say Alvar wants to be loved more than he wants to get fucked. He thoroughly enjoys the second, but aiming at the first. His perception is that openly offering himself, obediently surrendering, and actively submitting and engaging to pleasure his partner (though, as a side benefit, finding himself uncontrollable pleasure) only might lead him to love, some love, any love at all.

Thank you @declarations-of-drama so very much for the comments --and @simblu  and @willky12  too in this post -- your comments and special perceptions of the story put you all in a position of co-writers, really!

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

....Gods... I forgot how intense that book is.

(tl;dr Bruiser, by Neal Shusterman, is one of my favorite books in existence, for many of the same reasons that Raven is my favorite character, and it’s an incredible rarity, and a treasure, and all too emotionally real.)

(( also, NTS: I really, REALLY need to write Neal a letter about this book, and how important and powerful it really is.))

Last week, I’d ran out of new books to read-- books that weren’t related to linguistics anyways, which I don’t currently have the emotional or physical capacity to focus on, so the Finnish and Italian grammar would have to wait.

So sometime last week I decided: I couldn’t spend money on new books, and I didn’t feel like reading comic books. But on breaks, at bus stops, and when bored of socializing: I need something to read...

...so I decided, re-reading. I’d re-read a favorite. And Bruiser was my best option.

I’ve always loved it-- to be honest, I loved it simply for the fact that it’s about an empathic healer. An EMPATH character! In a NOVEL! How often does that happen?! Nearly NEVER!

And put to Neal Shusterman’s questions about morality, emotions, humanity, and a storyline that digs its hooks in your heart and just refuses to let you go... It’s beautiful.

It’s not often a book can nearly bring me to tears. It’s not often I feel too deeply for the characters to stop caring the moment it’s closed. Very few authors are capable of putting me in touch with my own emotions to the point where my mind spins and those long-closed-off depths, re-open for me.

And it is a very, VERY rare scenario that, upon a RE-read, my fingertips tingle and that static builds in me to the point where, when a cat clambered up to my side to be pet, I shocked her with static. Repeatedly.

( ^ That’s not unusual when emotions happen, by the way. Belle seemed very determined to press against me and make me pet her until I lifted from that deep, dark fog of sympathetic, empathetic pain and plotpoints and personal rapport... but her poor ears, nose, and tail were zapped a few times in the process.)

...It’s emotion that’s WORTH exploring though, I think.

Especially since... You know how, every time you revisit something you’ve experienced before, you notice more, and more, and more of it? For books this is very true. And I think this is only my third, or fourth time re-reading it; at least in its entirety, I honestly forgot how many times I’d read it when i had it from the library, I’m pretty sure I reread it sections at a time... so I’m sure there are sequences I’ve read ten, twenty times by now. 

(I’ve long lost the paper I wrote on to record the page numbers and passages that meant the most to me... and maybe by now, it has even CHANGED.)

See, the thing about this book is that, for me: it’s PERSONAL. It’s RELATABLE. There are so many things-- so many finely-tuned, situationally-specific, unique and individual THINGS that made this book so well worth reading over, and over, and OVER again. Messages that needed to be spoken into my life. People I needed to consider. Concepts I needed to wonder about.

And all of its woven with such beautiful intricacy and layered HUMANITY, that I just...

....I appreciate this book so much, because everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING in it, is important to me.

~ I had a feeling from the very beginning of the book that he was an empath. ~ And a healer? A healer! ~ LOOK, AN EMPATH WHOSE “ABILITIES” AREN’T CONFUSED FOR TELEPATHY! OR PORTRAYED AS BEING CONVENIENT. ~ the intricacy of both the injured and the healers’ mindsets being involved in his healing capacity??? ~ seriously the way he writes Brewster’s empathy is scarily similar to mine. ~ the whole Familial Divorce thing. ~ Emotional escapism. ~ having to turn off his own ability to Feel and Care to SURVIVE with it. ~ “What would they do if they found out” ~ “i HAVE to keep my distance from them” ~ “it’s not just physical. it’s EMOTIONAL TOO” ~ That isn’t fair to him. ~ It isn’t fair to make him deal with all our problems FOR us. ~ So what if he seems to like it and is determined to save us from it? ~ We have to own and handle our own problems, too!

Just...

.......i have a weakness. (...many. But...) Compassionate to a fault. Humans, animals... sometimes plants. I’ll take what I can; endure their pains for them; heal them because I can, and on some level I NEED to, not because I want to. And I do want to, too, but, I can’t always; my own stability is at stake, and I just.... have so many limits.

I’ve genuinely begun wondering if the reason my health has failed so badly in the past couple years is because I’ve been living with people with very severe physical ailments, or emotional mental illnesses, and my existence is nothing but a sponge absorbing these things. The doctors couldn’t find what was wrong. $2500 and an emergency hospital visit later, and they claimed that nothing was wrong. I don’t think what’s wrong is able to be measured by instruments.

But I digress.

Still, I bear their scars. Physical. Psychological. The draining; the physical overwhelming... not as badly as it used to be, when the crowded high school halls surrounded me with 8,000 people, a hundred too close to me, eight thousand too many in range.

I fell terribly ill from that, too. Multiple times.

This time around? Reading the book, I mean? There were two things that really, really STRUCK me, as important and layered conflicts, and details...

~ The whole situation with the abuse. It felt too real to me the first time, reading it. Because sans the physical violence, the uncle’s abuse exactly, perfectly, eerily echoed my stepmother’s abuse to me all my life. Guilting. Venting. Yelling at me until she felt better. Even to the point where, like Brew, I had to stop caring about her to save myself. But the HUGE internal conflict, where, once they’re done abusing you: They love you, and you love them. And you don’t know why. But you do. And they say they’re sorry; they love you; they want what’s best for you, to protect you, and you have to listen to them, because they’re keeping you safe.

~ The whole, “We have to OWN our own pains!” I appreciated that; I always have, from the very first read. But this time, what struck me... They realized this, on their own. They CHOSE to take back their pains... FOR him.

And I thought about my family. The people I live with.

Would they do that?

Could they EVER?

And I was brought to tears, realizing... I don’t think anyone in my life even understands how much I bear for them, how hard I have to block myself to keep from passing out just to keep form blacking out when I stand the moment my body’s health falters. Recovery is hell.

If I went comatose, because I had chosen to save someone’s life...

....I couldn’t say with certainty that anyone would really, truly, ever be able to take that stand, and DECIDE they they wanted all of their hurts back.

...for context? My family has issues with such simple accommodations as “don’t talk about v*mit around me”. The claim, “I would do anything for you” - but when I tell someone “It hurts me when you say I have no common sense, because of course I don’t; my sense isn’t common, and I can’t help that I think differently”... they tell me I must learn how, and imply that if I can’t, I’m an idiot.

...like I said... Abusive. Most well-intentioned.. but abusive nonetheless.

...anyways...

......This book is heavy. It’s so, so heavy... But, tonight, I just keep tHINKING. It wasn’t until I’d endured 13 years of being hurt (and being told it was all my fault), and read certain posts that induced doubt, and then lived with my mother, how much I realized: I was living in an extremely volatile situation of emotional abuse and constant stress.

(...it’s a long and complicated story, but I’m back to living with them now.)

I knew I was being abused, and yet... I healed when I could, what I could. I soak in exhaustion and frustration and depression and anxiety every day.

I’m just... wondering, now...

...How am I supposed to keep myself HEALTHY, living this way?

...I do think it’s safest for me, to live alone. Most peaceful... (I need peace in my life, so desperately. I’m “not wired” for conflict. Another thing I share with Brewster...)

........it’sj ust...

...i don’t know, I’m far too tired and physically exhausted to put words to these darker thoughts just now.

But tl;dr, this book is really, really important. And I truly, deeply, sincerely respect Neal Shusterman for going to the depths he reaches regarding empathy, abuse, healing, and love.

It’s scarily real.

But there’s something so extremely and deeply HEALING about reading a situation too scarily close to your own... and finding truth and new thoughts and revelation in it.

Something healing.........