#but I feel so viscerally bad when I think about not doing every fandom day and writing

[nothymetospeak]

I ought to make higher quality art and stop just shitposting. I have the capabilities. Just not the time

[brawlite]

some horror fic recs for october 👻

i wanted to put together a rec list of my favorite horror fics for the spookiest month. there are a bunch of different flavors of horror in here as well as a number of different fandoms, so hopefully you can find something that tickles your fancy (though ngl i would still rec reading these bad boys even if you don't know the fandoms at all).

i tried to tag tumblrs when/where i could find them, but if i couldn't, the author name links to ao3.

a reminder as always: this is horror—please read all the tags.

thanks for reading and i hope you find something to enjoy!

also, pretty please feel free to reblog and add your favorite horror fic recs.

👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪

the ghost apple tree by @thefearofcod

10k words, rated m song lan/xue yang/xiao xingchen (the untamed/mdzs) summary:

Fixing up a decaying house in the woods is the same as addressing your problems. (sxx is haunted)

brawls' notes: i think about this fic a lot; i'm haunted by it. this is by far one of my favorite horror stories i've ever read—the vibes are off-the-charts and horrific in a very visceral, tense way. made me feel weird (positive). i hope it makes you feel weird too (this is a threat).

—

convergence by @astrophyllitely

33k words, rated e lan zhan/lan xichen, lan zhan/jiang cheng (the untamed/mdzs) summary:

Lan Wangji regains consciousness in a crashed spaceship on an unfamiliar planet. He is not alone; Lan Xichen is there. He is not alone; Jiang Wanyin is there. But never both at once.

brawls' notes: space horror? check. psychological horror? check. uneasy and tense alien vibes? also check. beautiful push and pull of the narrative, paired with an an intense feeling of claustrophobia. there's a particular moment that had my heart right in my throat. stunning.

—

mockingbird by MarInk

82k words, rated e stiles stillinski/peter hale (teen wolf) summary:

Stiles works tirelessly to keep the roof over his heads and longs for a proper challenge for his brains. Peter chafes under his sister's authority and nurses big, bloody dreams. One day, the two are connected by a mistaken text message. One never knows who is on the other end of a wrong number. Sometimes it's somebody one will come to cherish and adore. Sometimes it's a ruthless, unapologetic monster. Sometimes it's both.

brawls' notes: sometimes you read something and are just blown away by it, forever altered. that's what this was for me. want a type of monster-au you've never seen before? this is it. also: ostensibly a wrong-number au, but don't be fooled. (i was.)

—

never meant by nonhicsumus

3k words, rated m alex krycek & dana scully (the x-files) summary:

Sometimes the past isn't worth digging into.

brawls' notes: whump and psychological horror? plus alex krycek?? my favorite. every word of this is perfection—i instantly wanted to read it again for the first time. you can.

—

fais do-do by @moku-youbi

18k words, rated e will graham/hannibal lecter (hannibal)

summary:

“Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change.” ― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein (this fic does not have a summary, but begins with this quote)

brawls' notes: a different-meeting au packed with everything you need for the perfect horror story: violence, blood, a chase scene, and an unreliable narrator. delightful.

—

blackbird, fly by @acroamatica

19k words, rated m kylo ren/armitage hux (star wars: tfa)

summary:

One sunny afternoon in the mountains of Washington state, Ben Organa-Solo walked out into the woods. He never came home. Six years later, a journalist specialising in missing-persons cold cases decides to follow his footsteps and see where they might lead.

brawls' notes: a masterpiece of vibes. this reads so much like a spooky mystery novel, but with a creeping, anxious dread. perfect for the season if you want that true autumnal sort of chill. i've carried this fic in my heart for nearly a decade now—it has inspired me in my own writing so much over the years.

—

grey stars on the rise by @iodhadh

4k words, rated e song lan/xue yang/xiao xingchen (the untamed/mdzs) summary:

Xiao Xingchen comes back. Xiao Xingchen comes back wrong. It takes too long, maybe, for Xue Yang to realize something is wrong with Song Lan too.

brawls' notes: the exact embodiment of: be careful what you wish for. brutal and crushing and so deeply, utterly satisfying. absolute yi-city perfection: the vibes are wretched but strangely romantic (chefs kiss).

—

half your life you've been hooked on death by @whatever-you-can-give-me

4k words, rated m vash the stampede/nicholas d. wolfwood (trigun) summary:

Wolfwood is cornered in an alleyway. Things get worse before they get better.

brawls' notes: and what's a horror rec list without a little bit of gore? whump and blood and near-death-experiences—oh my. this is brutal and feverish and exactly the right flavor.

—

black rock mountain by @bokuno-jinsei

24k words, rated e will graham/hannibal lecter (hannibal) summary:

Will is a hitchhiker with questionable hobbies. Hannibal is a man who has questionable motives. When Hannibal drives by Will who just so happens to need a ride, things quickly take a turn from the questionable to the downright depraved.

brawls' notes: you know That Fic that is really the epitome of that pairing for you? yeah, this is it for me. perfect alternate first-meeting fic. lives rent-free in my head.

👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪

and hey, why not be a little self-indulgent: i can't help but rec a few of my own horror fics here, too:

old growth

21k, rated m song lan/xue yang/xiao xingchen (the untamed/mdzs) summary:

There’s something in the woods outside of their hometown. Xue Yang and Song Lan are going to find it.

brawls' notes: i tried something new with the formatting on this one and i think it panned out solidly and was a desperately fun way to tell the story. this is full of spooky, sleepless forest vibes.

—

what's real or isn't

57k, rated e kylo ren/armitage hux (star wars: tfa) summary:

Hux's new house is not haunted. It isn't.

brawls' notes: i honestly love playing favorites and this is one of mine. this was a load of fun to write—it's chock-full of vibes, personal experiences, local history, and love notes to my favorite horror stories.

—

acquiesce

16k, rated e original luo binghe/original shen qingqiu (svsss) summary:

After seeing the gentle and loving Shen Qingqiu of the other world, Luo Binghe returns to his own with a hunger that can only be satisfied by one thing—a Shizun of his very own.

brawls' notes: this isn't spooky or haunted, but it is psychological horror—packed with nightmares, flashbacks, dread, and manipulation. enjoy!

👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪👻👁️🎃🔪

and that's it! hope you find something fun to read for this october 🖤

and again—please reblog and add your own horror recs if you are feeling so inclined!

[adamnablelittledevil]

Reacting to The Vampire Lestat - Part III (with a bit of spoilers)

I like Gabrielle.

I'm not sure I love her, but I really like her.

I feel wrong using feminine pronouns with her, though. I feel like Gabrielle is whispering in my ear that is they/them. Like, I've never had a headcanon so strong before? I don't know about labels, but for me those are the pronouns Gabrielle would use. It's just so clear to me.

I won't use them because the book doesn't do it, the fandom doesn't do it, which I'm not criticizing because it isn't exactly 'official', so it wouldn't be real canon to... But I feel like if the books were released today, it would be. And I hope the show changes that and we can gradually adjust too.

I hope that when they write season 3, they show signs of her gender dysphoria even before she says something explicit like the "you're the man in me" conversation. I want lines that imply that, I want a look in her eyes and expressions on her face whenever she gets gender envious of guys or has to do something "feminine". The book doesn't do a lot of that because Lestat is the narrator and he is away from her, so we barely see her before the transformation/'transition' but the show has the opportunity to explore more of it and I hope they use it.

Gabrielle was born to be a vampire. I think she would nail it even without Lestat's counseling. It's just second nature for her. You go, bruh!

Gabrielle actually seems to be more fun and even affectionate than I expected? I was worried that she'd might be too confident, powerful, badass, empowered etc that she would feel cold and emotionless, because that's usually what happens with characters like these and I hate that... But so far it hasn't been the case.

She really blossomed with vampirism. Feels like she is finally getting the opportunity to have the life she was meant to live.

The only downside is the hair. That moment with the hair was so visceral. I feel bad for her. Imagine being stuck with a hair you hate and gives you body dysphoria forever. I hope the show lets her hair be short. Like, maybe her illness affected her hair or something. Or at least give her hairstyles that make it look shorter than it really is. Or make her cut it every day. I don't care. Let the dude have short hair! Period.

Lestat's reaction to all this is like... Mixed feelings. He doesn't love it. Which, I get it, all his life he knew her as a "woman". It can be weird adjusting to that, it may feel like you're losing someone. But there are these gentle moments when he separates accessories (if I remember it correctly, rings) that are masculine for her because he figures she would prefer them and when he says he'll cut her hair every night if she wants to, so it's more of unlearning and grieving what/who he thought was 'real' and adapting to a new reality. It's not an "okay, let's go!" reaction as if nothing happened, specially for the time being (1700s), it's complicated, but he seems to be open. I can't speak for everyone who is trans and/or under the non-binary umbrella, but it was human to me and I have no problems with it.

Alright, so whether it was incestuous before or not, now it clearly is. I do hope it started now and not when they were human, though.

She was my mother, my fledgling, my child (sort of), my roommate, basically the only friend I had and my lover. I mean, not exactly, but I thought the joke was funny.

I feel like if I talk about the incest, it has to be on another post because it would probably take too long. There are way too many things to talk about and I'm still approaching the middle of the book.

Let's just say it sort of makes works with how the book, the characters, this species and universe are written. I can sort of get it, at least for now. Is it necessary? No. Would the show suffer if they don't do the incest? Not all. Is it random, irrelevant, only for shock value and because "let's get nasty freaky and controversial these are vampires and this is gothic horror grow up cupcakes deal with it hahaha"? Also no! It has some kind of logic. But I feel like Lestat and Gabrielle are already layered enough with their parent/child/maker/fledgling/sort of envious of each other (including the fact they're both gender nonconforming to some extent) dynamic on its own, that there's plenty to cover here without incest. Still, if the show goes there (and I'm afraid they will), I also expect it to make sense and not be just for the sake of being seual, weird and controversial. I believe Rolin is too good to write something that mediocre and poor. So, I can live without it, but I'm also trusting the show to do whatever their thing is. Let's see, I guess.

Also, at least at the moment, it's not as big as people make it out to be. Again, to talk about this properly I'd need another post, but it's not like they sleep together, they're head over heels in love with each other or anything. Like I said, there's some logic that is kind of complicated to explain here, but it's not that radical and it's not that often. Sometimes I even genuinely and wholeheartedly forget about it. Fortunately, there are way too many other (and more) interesting things going on to focus on.

Gabrielle learning about her powers is really fun too, maybe even more fun than Lestat since she's such a natural at this whole thing.

And their maker/fledgling dynamic is entertaining as well.

She's like, climbing walls, jumping from roofs etc like a cat, just having the time of her life and while Lestat gets pretty adventurous and experimental with his powers too, it's not as much? Gabrielle takes it to the next level (good for her).

Like, sometimes he has to stop Gabrielle like a father with his kid, like "CAN WE PLEASE JUST GO HOME WE CAN DO MORE TOMORROW" and it's simply hilarious.

Stop it, Lestat, let Gabrielle HAVE FUN!

Gabrielle just gives major Cat Woman vibes. Now I need Cat Woman-esque scenes on the show with her climbing and jumping between buildings etc. WE HAVE SO MUCH POTENTIAL AND THE VISION IS CO CLEAR. Do it, Rolin!

It's cool that Lestat finally has some real company and someone with whom he can be open about being a vampire.

Loneliness is the biggest thing for him on the show and I have a feeling it's the same thing on the books. And it's even worse here, because there are moments where he is completely alone and in so much pain (and we haven't seen that on the show yet). Having Gabrielle around made things better for him and he hasn't cried in a little while (and he was crying A LOT on those first two chapters, for very understandable reasons), so this was a nice turn for him and the story.

I also think he enjoys being her mentor, like it gives him a sense of purpose and pride. Reminds me of how he talked about the way he felt at the monastery. And it's sweet to see him teaching Gabrielle stuff.

And sometimes he feels like an old and tired single dad and it's just funny. Like, Gabrielle is ready to create the vampire Olympics and win gold for every single sport and he just wants to sleep. Lestat is too much and loves playing around, but Gabrielle is too much even for HIM. Imagine having more energy than the actual ADHD child. What a legend. They're hilarious. A lot of room to play with humor with these two and I hope they use it.

P.S. Nothing is permanent, opinions might change and this is based on Lestat’s narration, which can be unreliable. I’m reading the books so I can find out more about the characters, what potential events might happen in the show, what I can expect etc. This is my favorite show in the universe, so I want to be as informed as possible. I have no idea if I’ll become a legit fan of the books or not, but so far I’m enjoying it. I’m posting these comments only for fun.

[londonfoginacup]

not the same anon and i’ve already asked this to someone else without an answer. i’ve never been to a show in the usa but it feels to me like there’s a different atmosphere in general over there so this comes from genuine curiosity: why do you feel like you have to bring a rainbow flag to a concert? let’s forget about louis for a second, just think of a random concert. you said you’ve gotten bad looks for bringing one but also you (and others) claim that flags in concerts are meant to feel people safe. do you not feel safe if you don’t bring a flag? do you not enjoy a concert if you don’t bring one/see one? what’s the need to bring flags? i promise this comes from curiosity because in all the years i’ve attended music shows and festivals, i’ve never felt like bringing the flags i own, but again, i’m not from the usa and i’m not well versed into tumblr queer culture.

Hi anon. I will take this as a good faith question, although your phrase “I’ve asked this to someone else without an answer” is something I suggest you do not include when asking things in future, because it implies you’re upset or blaming that other person for not responding. People have many reasons to not respond, some of which are simply time or time of day or spoons! We are all simply trying our best out here.

Now onto your question— I think that what’s missing here is fandom history. You said “forget about Louis for a second”, but actually what we need to do is look back at One Direction’s history.

I’ve written this out and tried to shorten it a number of times now, but the long and the short of it is that while the band was active, especially 2013-2014, the way that One Direction the Brand and Management handled rumors about Louis and Harry was to create a rift between “respectful fans” and “everyone else”. And the “everyone else” was people who thought Louis and Harry were in a relationship, yes, but it was also simply queer fans. Because those circles often overlap, OR because other fans would see that they were queer and put them in the same category.

Rainbow Direction was a movement made by fans in order to feel safe at One Direction shows specifically, because it was one direction shows specifically that people did not feel comfortable at, but desperately WANTED to feel comfortable at, because this band and these boys brought them comfort, spoke words in their songs that connected to their queer experience, etc.

I would not say that it’s USA specific so much that it’s 1D specific. I don’t… believe (I could be wrong) that I’ve brought a flag to a non-1D (or 1D adjacent) show, although I HAVE seen flags at those shows, like Declan McKenna I feel like I saw a flag or two there, for instance.

But honestly anon, when I bring a flag, it is not to make myself feel safe. It’s so that someone else who is queer can see that flag and know that I am a safe person. Likewise, when I see someone else with a flag, I know that I feel safe with them. It’s a way of saying you’re not alone.

Now, it might be helpful to know that I have attended EVERY 1D/Harry/Louis/Niall concert (but one) with @lululawrence . It’s her flags that I wear. She is the best sort of person you could ever hope to attend a concert with, but that’s beside the point. My point is that the one show that I remember the most dirty looks and feeling the most uncomfortable was the one Harry show we attended in… 2021? The end of the 2021. Harry’s fan base grew EXPONENTIALLY over the pandemic. That night, we saw maybe two flags in the pit and none anywhere else. There were more people dressed as bananas than people with flags. Sus and I had the bi and ace flags, and honestly anon, I started to want to hide it. The people around us gave us looks, I heard them talking about us although I tried not to listen. I wasnt afraid for our safety, but I was viscerally aware that the people around us didn’t understand the flags and didn’t want us there.

And I had been there in Nashville at the Ryman, when every flag had been confiscated and the security had been terribly mean and Harry had had to pull out his own and set it on stage at one point when the lights went down. That had been upsetting but we had all been on the same page, the fans and Harry, that the flags were important. Post-2020, that show was different. I felt like a creature on display for people to gawk at.

So when you talk about tumblr queer culture, I don’t actually know how much this extends past 1D/Louis/Harry. But in the beginning of 2023, when Sus and I went to the first concert we had booked (we had… four or five that year), and noticed how few flags there were, the two of us were specifically worried about concerts feeling the way that one in 2021 did. That’s why we did spent the next few months sending flags to every North America Louis show (and don’t get me wrong, I’d have done his other legs if I had the money to get them flags too. But all those flags in the NorthAmerica shows? A few friends whom I ADORE helped but mostly that was almost entirely out of my own personal budget). Because we wanted to make sure that everyone felt the safety of being able to spot a flag in the crowd and know that whoever was holding it was not someone who would reject them for their gender/sexuality.

Sure, another option is that no one brings flags and we all just sit and enjoy the music. That’s really fine. But I think for our fandom in particular it’s a bit of history, of being loudly rejected during the 1D days and then surging our support for one another for the solo tours.

And tbh yeah. Okay. America is scary and people are mean and i know so so SO many people who are ONLY out online or at shows like these. I want them to know im there with them.

So, I don’t know if I answered your question well. @takemehomefromnarnia or @lululawrence or any number of other people could probably answer it better.

[rottenbrainstuff]

Haha ok I am convinced. It takes a LOT to motivate me to watch a new show, but I am so convinced by what I've seen of IWTV that I am going to give it a try tonight. I even have one single glass of red wine left for it!

The thing is: I am extremely ambivalent about this whole... what.. franchise? Series? Little coven of crying gay babies?

I was a big giant fan of the vampire chronicles in the 90s and 2000s. I really do legit love the characters that were created: I love their damage, I love how articulate Anne Rice was about describing their issues, how vampirism has fucked up each and every one of them. I loved how sensual the books were, the beautiful descriptions of everything. I found it so interesting how everything could be so sexy when it very specifically contained no sex. I loved her vampire lore, I loved her take on traditional vampires. I know sensual romantic vampires are a bit of an eye-roll these days but I feel like back in the 90s it actually was something a bit more fresh.

Interview especially had some really amazing ideas in it. I remember really loving that book.

Lestat was an interesting book but tbh she lost me a bit with some of the lore. It really put a lot of Interview into perspective though. (is Lestat's mom in this show??? She seems like a bad bitch I'd like to see pop in)

I read about half of Armand and oddly couldn't make myself finish it, or read any more of the chronicles. I actually don't even remember what happened in that book anymore.

(I had a copy of Queen of the Damned but I can’t remember if I read it or not. If I did, I don’t remember anything from the plot)

As much as I remember enjoying reading Interview, I found it increasingly hard to reconcile my enjoyment of the books with my knowledge of what a nasty person Anne Rice was, and the extremely shitty things she did in (or I guess TO) the fandom. As the books went on I found the writing style less interesting and more irritating and pretentious. I gave an attempt to start that witch coven series and was surprised by how I couldn't get into it. I tried reading her Sleeping Beauty series and got viscerally disgusted. (disgust aside, it was a shock how poorly written I thought it was) Again, her reactions to the fandom for that were bemusing as well. Her weird and personal obsession with her own characters is extremely reminiscent to me of Stephanie Meyer if she was goth instead of mormon, and it makes it difficult for me to take it all seriously sometimes.

So........ I'm in this position where I think I do genuinely like the characters and the ideas, but I intensely dislike Anne Rice and view her as generally overrated as an author, and that soured the whole series for me. But I've been seeing all these clips online and I dunno. I like what I see. It feels the characters I like were pulled out of her weird mean hands and dusted off. I like that absolutely no clips I've seen really match anything that I remember reading in the books. I like that it looks actually, unambiguously gay. I like that in almost every single clip I've seen, all the characters ever seem to be doing is screaming at each other for stupid shit. I like that it looks ridiculous and deranged. I dunno. I kinda have high hopes that with this show, I'll be able to learn how to like these characters again.

(I'm being smacked in the face btw with my age once again - so many of you mention that you never watched the old (not very good) Tom Cruise movie. If you were a teenager in the 90s I think it was impossible to have avoided it. Or is it just that my friend group was particularly strange?)

I'll pop my thoughts in here but I'll tag appropriately, so if you don't want that nonsense, you don't have to see it.

[chickenstrangers]

@waitmyturtles sent me a lovely ask that tumblr decided to eat right when I was working on a response. The ask was essentially:

We have been reminiscing a lot recently about He's Coming to Me as you have been making gifs for it. What are your top 3 shows, besides He's Coming to Me, that you feel nostalgia for at any given time, and why? What draws you to them? [apologies if I have misremembered anything]

Thank you for the question! It sent me into a bit of a philosophical debate over the nature of nostalgia and if I feel nostalgia for any of these dramas at all.

For me, nostalgia is very rooted in the sense that the past cannot be returned to, or cannot be returned to in the same way. Of course, every rewatch of a show is a different experience and changes your interpretation of and feelings towards the text. But I watched so many of these shows fairly recently, relatively, and most of them I didn't watch live. I feel nostalgia for shows I watched many many years ago, because I am a very different person than I was and my interpretations and taste has definitely changed. Even though I still love my favorite shows from 10 years ago, for instance, and have rewatched and still truly enjoyed them, it is a fundamentally different experience to when I watched them then, and I can never return to that time.

This could be interpreted also as which show I wish I could watch again for the first time, but I also have a hard time with that. For all of my favorite shows, I only started to truly, deeply love them on rewatch. So maybe I am nostalgic for my second watch of shows. Perhaps the only show I would say I'm nostalgic for the first time I watched is Eternal Yesterday, because I do think watching it will be very different the next time because the experience of suspecting but not knowing with certainty what the ending would be was a very important aspect of how I watched and interpreted it, and it put me so viscerally in Mitsuru's experience of denial and anticipatory grief.

Then, of course, there are shows for which the watching experience itself has shifted, for me most notably GMMTV shows moving to Viki. Despite My School President being in my top 3 favorite shows, the change of medium has perhaps dissuaded me from rewatching so far. And once Bad Buddy moves, the fan lore which is often so tied to episodes and specifically parts of episodes will be lost to some extent. I am fascinated generally in how the medium of the text changes the interpretation and experience (see for example the original serialization of Dracula, then most commonly read as single book, and now re-serialized with Dracula Daily).

People talk a lot in tags about missing shows or characters, and I appreciate the sentiment, but again is not something I fully feel myself. I don't miss Moonlight Chicken, or Jim and Wen, because I think about the show all the time, it lives in my heart. I also know that I can rewatch the show at any time and they will be there, the same as they were before. Fandom tends to move very quickly these days, which is understandable with the amount of shows there are, but sometimes I feel I haven't gotten the memo that I am also supposed to move on. I love seeing people in my old fandom returning to or discovering a decades old show and sharing their love for it, making content for it still. Perhaps that is why I most enjoy making gifs and writing meta for "older" shows like Moonlight Chicken, Bad Buddy, Kieta Hatsukoi, or He's Coming to Me.

TLDR; to answer your question, after way too long a ramble, perhaps Bad Buddy (also spurred on by your and @ranchthoughts' rewatches that are making me itch to rewatch), My School President, and Eternal Yesterday?

[thousand-winters]

Ask game 🛼🍄🍬🥐🧩!

Hello, friend!!! I hope life has been treating you kindly lately 💖

🛼 ⇢ Describe your latest wip with five emojis

Going to use literally the last document I opened for this but: 😟🏃🏰🛌😢

🍄 ⇢ Share a headcanon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

I have a little hc that during the period of time between Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn, while Ike was kinda getting used to being the leader of the Greil mercenaries in peace times, sometimes he would get too stressed and irritable, so Soren would do something about it.

The "something" in question being going to him like "Ike, I have something very important to report" and while Ike's kinda only half paying attention, immersed as he is in his own head, Soren will just say a shitty joke in a deadpan. "Why did the chicken cross the road?" sort of dumb joke.

He doesn't even think they're funny, but they make Ike snort in disbelief and, since he knows Soren isn't the type to randomly crack jokes all of a sudden, he can tell what he's doing. Those times always end on a smile and a "thank you, Soren".

🍬 ⇢ Post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

I didn't really think this was an unpopular opinion but I see it somewhat often around, the idea that Hunter killed people during his time as Golden Guard and I really don't agree with it. I feel like if Belos had made him do that, Hunter would have cracked so much earlier because his compassionate nature would be at odds with the act itself, even if he had been told they were bad people. He couldn't even get himself to catch Luz in Hunting Palismen, so I think he would have let a shit ton of people go and Belos wouldn't have taken that kindly.

At most, I can see him unfortunately being involved in someone getting killed in the same way he was with the palismen he handed Belos; aka, him possibly capturing people and those people ending up dead or petrified. But I really, really don't think he ever killed someone himself, and in the case of capturing wild witches and such, I feel like that would have to be a very special occasion too (I feel like lowkey Belos probably always had a certain wariness that his grimwalkers would run off with a wild witch or such, especially if Caleb wasn't the only one who did through his messed up story of brotherly murder and clonation)

🥐 ⇢ Name one internet reference that will always make you laugh 

Oh, my god, there was this meme in Spanish (very unsure if it also exists in English because it's from those monkey puppets that are memes but I never watched the source material of that properly so no idea) that went like: student character goes to present their teacher with a medical justification for missing class while saying something like "I got sick but I'm better now", teacher goes "it says here you got hit by a car and died" and then the student says "wow, science really advances, right?"

I don't think it has the same punch with me saying like this as seeing the thing but for some reason it cracked me up so much when I saw it. Now sometimes if someone asked what happened to me for whatever reason, half the time I go "I got hit by a car and died" and then laugh, which is probably not the best thing to say without context lmao 😭 I don't do it unless it's in a silly kind of context tho, don't worry.

My sister also sometimes will explain things by going "science really advances" and I die every fucking time too.

🧩 ⇢ What will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

1st person POVs, I'm so sorry, I just can't do it 😔 It causes such a visceral reaction of second hand embarrassment in me even if there's no actual embarrassing content in the description. I just cannot do it, it's even worse for me than paragraphs with no space between them or such, depending on the day I can power through those but the 1st person? Nope.

Thank you for the questions!!! From this ask game

[literaryspinster]

I’m on ch 3 of your limoreau fic and I’m struggling a bit with the decision to make Powerlad racist, why does every story about Black people have to involve racism as a plot device?

I don’t believe it does. I just made that specific choice because one of the big themes of that story (and The Boys itself) is toxic celebrity culture, and I wanted to convey that theme in a way that felt somewhat high stakes without getting into big conspiracy territory or putting Marie through what Starlight went through (or any other sort of physical violence).

A privileged celebrity having their problematic nature exposed, only for their fans and those in power to go out of their way to protect them, often at the expense of the less protected people in their orbit, is something I’ve witnessed online multiple times, and as a Black woman it’s exhausting to see. I can only imagine what that’s like for those more directly affected. That’s kind of what I wanted to explore with that plotline.

I also don’t think racism is a thing that just exists in media to make Black people feel like they can never escape it. It’s an actual part of our lives. I’ve been disrespected and hurt on account of my race, and while the fact that that’s happened doesn’t define me, or even figure into my day to day life as much as it once did, it is something I’ve felt the need to grapple with in various ways, including through writing. I also address queerphobia and sexism but racism is what I feel the most equipped to unpack because it’s what I’ve dealt with the most in my interactions with people (I’m a part of the queer community but quite straight-presenting, and am not a part of a profession or lifestyle that’s heavily associated with men or manliness, so sexism isn’t something I tend to feel on a visceral level).

Furthermore, I believe racism is one of the ‘isms that speculative fiction actually tends to be the shyest about. I’ve watched plenty of mainstream content where sexism is addressed repeatedly, meanwhile race is never commented on in any way in spite of the cast of characters being racially diverse (The Beauty and the Beast remake is the example that stands out the most to me). Or I’ve seen white women dealing with sexism and only Black men dealing with racism while the Black women in the story are just kind of there (i.e. Outlander, a show I could not finish in spite of all of the praise it received). Or some entirely fictional creature or concept is meant as the stand in for racism. I understand wanting to read about different things, but I do believe that there’s a middle ground between making our stories entirely about race and just pretending that it doesn’t exist.

All that being said. Fanfic is meant for escapism, I get that. I wasn’t trying to make anyone feel annoyed or let down or anything like that, I was just doing what I always do when I’m writing a fanfic that’s not a complete AU, playing in someone else’s sandbox with someone else’s toys. The Boys is all about satirizing topics like public bigotry (and yeah, it’s a Gen V fic but the point of it was to imagine them in The Seven so therefore on The Boys). I’m not always a fan of how they go about it, but I do appreciate its point of view a fair amount more than something like South Park, or even the show’s own source material. I doubt I would have stuck with it for three seasons if that wasn’t the case. So when writing for a show that frequently lampoons racists and other types of ridiculous people, the decisions made with Powerlad came pretty naturally. If I’d known I’d be disappointing people to this degree (you aren’t the first to comment on this) then I would have maybe gone in a different direction. To be honest the criticism has taken the wind out of my sails a bit.

In spite of everything, the rest of the story is planned out and partially written. Even though the fandom is understandably in a bad place right now, I hope the way everything plays out feels rewarding to people who choose to finish.

[coldbam]

For the leaving some love fanfic asks! :)

6. Something I remember vividly from reading one of your fics--

Nicole, I will never, ever, EVER forget this lines from "want you in my room" -

I’m sorry, Buck mouths back. “I’ll be out in 2 minutes! Can you get all the ingredients ready?” he says, while carefully, horribly, pulling out of Eddie, and gets off the bed.

Eddie's left alone, feeling cold, empty, and frustrated with everything that lead to this moment. He hears Christopher make his way to the kitchen, victorious.

and this -

“First of all, never pull out of me before we’re done again.” He waits for Buck to give a sheepish nod. “Second, never pull out of me before we’re done again.”

This is just. Comedic gold. Eddie SO DISAPPOINTED and them him practically ordering Buck to never leave him hanging like that again was very hot. It sticks with me. It's amazing. Incredible. A+ the whole fic is hysterical.

12. A fic of yours that i've re-read

"wanna do a bad thing twice" and "by any other name" are very similar but I love them both an obsessive amount and i reread both of them like, once every few weeks at least. You write insane unhinged obtusely jealous Buck like no one I have EVER seen and it is just, it makes me kind of feral tbh. It's so visceral and intense and also hilarious and so, SO crazy. I love it very much.

16. BONUS compliments

I made it up cause that's not on the list. I've seen you mention this a few times so I wanted to say. As much as you seem to be :/ about writing fics with the same premise a lot, for every time you think that (and probably more often), there is someone out there (like me) that goes "OH MY GOD SHE POSTED ANOTHER ONE". My favourite part of fandom and reading fic is that I get to find a setting/idea that I love, and then read about it a gazillion times and it never ever gets old, so please know that people LOVE your fics and they are amazing. Have a good day, I am only a little bit sorry for being embarrassing and rambling at you so much!

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i forever love want you in my room, my favourite early fic i wrote when j still wasn’t quite sure what i was doing!!

i’m soooo !!! that you called out those 2 specifically in my jealous buck trilogy bc i feel like the other one really got the most notice, and i love them all ❤️❤️❤️ i really did feel like kgjfjgjfj worried i just kept writing the same thing over and over but i just had so much fun with that concept to the point that i even thought of another idea after i finished them all but ALSO i just needed a break and by the time i might be over with that, ill probably get new ideas for something else.

thank you thank youuuu for always being so supportive 🥹🥹🥹

[magicalrocketships]

Tagged by @boxboxlewis!

Musical tag game. Rules: shuffle your ‘on repeat’ playlist and list the first ten songs, then tag some people.

Full disclosure, these are all from my You Are The One Thing In My Way playlist, which has a 100 songs only limit (one in, one out) and I listened to so much when I was working that we are currently On A Break because my Spotify Unwrapped for 2+ years was just this playlist in a different order, and because I couldn't pick a song I was tired of to keep it at 100. So, we're a little old, don't think there's anything newly added on it from the last year, lollllll. They've all got a 'sing along while remote working' vibe. I'll link them at the end.

Nice To Meet You - Niall Horan - not my favourite Niall song but a singalong banger on this particular playlist, good opener for this list

Marchin' On - OneRepublic - this was the soundtrack to a fanvid a million years ago, and as such, imprinted upon my soul attached to very specific fandom clips. Absolutely not the only fanvid soundtrack on this playlist.

Night Changes - One Direction - like, this is a VERY SPECIFIC kind of One Direction singalong song. I'd say you have to be in a particular mood but I listened to bits of this playlist nearly every day for years so that particular mood was very much my life, WHAT DOES THAT SAY, let's not think about it too hard

Vossi Bop - Stormzy - Fuck the government and fuck Boris (YEAH).

Dynamite - Taio Cruz - I DARE you not to sing along, imagine managing a database with this on the go (I can't not imagine it, it's indelibly linked in my brain, this is why me and this playlist are On A Break)

Take Me To Church - Hozier - are you having a bad day? Are you having a GOOD DAY? (I am the first one today) Anyway it DOES NOT MATTER, belt out this chorus, things will be IMMEDIATELY BETTER (i'll tell you my sins and you can sharpen your knife)

Wake Me Up - Avicii - look, I keep a work notebook and every day I write the song I'm listening to as I'm building my work to-do list, and this has been on that list so many times, it's seen me through more than I care to mention

Girl From Mars - Ash - this was my favourite song aged 14, and I kind of think that any song that is your favourite song aged 14 is part of the foundational building blocks of your life and that's how these things go. I still have a friend who texts me every time she hears it because it reminds her of me.

Nobody To Love - Sigma - this reminds me of Nick Grimshaw and the Breakfast Show. It's also on my I Had Rather Hear My Dog Bark At A Crow writing playlist so quite frankly I've listened to it a MILLION times. Also, I had a total mental block on the end of the quote (love you, brain fog, bestest pal) so I just googled it, and it's fucking SHAKESPEARE, and on the front page of google next to this Shakespeare quote is the fanlore page for MY FIC. It used to be the actual fic so this is better, but, like, soz students studying Much Ado About Nothing, here's a second foundational text, how do you feel about watersports as a topic

Closer - Tegan and Sara - SPEAKING OF FIC. Two things, this is the second fanvid soundtrack song on this list, this being a Nick/Harry fanvid from about... 2013 and it is FOUNDATIONAL to my being. Also this (and a line from it) is the title of the fic I'm currently writing so we're transcending fandoms with this one, baby. HERE COME THE DREAMS OF YOU AND ME.

BONUS TRACK: Parce Mihi Domine, which is a classical track I heard on the radio one night when I couldn't sleep and had SUCH a huge fucking visceral reaction to because I KNEW it accompanied a scene on TV that I'd seen once, but had absolutely ZERO idea what it was. I had to find the PLAYLIST for the radio station, and figure out what the song was by listening to everything from the time it went out to figure out what it was, and then I had to google the piece to find out what it was used as a soundtrack for, and it TURNS OUT it's the end of series one of Queer as Folk US, for that whole bit after Justin is hurt and Brian is in the hospital wearing that fucking blood-covered scarf and fucking CRYING so yes, let's close with THAT FUCKER.

All these 10 (11) songs are on this playlist btw. Oh good, now it's skipped to Fireproof, a song I love so much I have it tattooed, this is fine, let's move on

Tagging @junkshop-disco (because their playlists are always the best), @stolemyhheart, and @imaginarygiraffe

[softpran]

bad buddy fandom getting-to-know-you meme!

tagged by @mahuhumaling

i've never really posted on bbs tumblr so uhhhhh. hi

name and whatever you want to share about yourself

i'm tonje, 29, any ol pronouns will do, nanonschin on the sinking ship, senorflamingos on ao3

i like nanon a normal amount

when did you watch bad buddy/join the fandom?

i started the show on february 1, 2022 and by the end of the month i'd seen it five times back to back and i have since never closed the tab where the show is open because i am always in some state of rewatching

i spent a lot of time silently reblogging things on here because i hadn't been active in fandom in years and finally decided to join the fandom on twitter in january 2023, and i guess i'll be more active on here now that twitter is going down the drain

favorite ship(s)

patpran, patpran and more patpran i have tunnel vision to this day

favorite character(s)

i love pran more than anything on this earth

favorite episode(s)

7 no doubt, the bet era tickles every single corner of my brain and i could fill in the blanks of what they did or didn't do during that time indefinitely

5 for obvious reasons

2 for the shenanigans, the entire start of the show has a very special place in my heart but mmm the unknowingly across the hall trope, mmm "mr dumpling", mmm pat's hand on pran's stomach in the elevator

favorite scene(s)

i adore the library scene from episode 7, i love the way pran gets in pat's space, i love the way pat gets weak at the knees, i feel like it perfectly sums up everything i love about their dynamic

the morning after in episode 11, i am a sucker for everything soft and that is damn near the softest thing i've laid my eyes on. also big spoon pran

the fight in episode 5, and everything that follows, but the fight scene is so effective in dragging all the ridiculousness of the show right down to earth in such a visceral way and it works beautifully

the final scene of the show. nothing has ever made me as happy as watching them shoving each other around in a dumbass kissing competition it's the PERFECT ENDING FOR THEM

one thing you would change about the show if you could

the whole gun plot as an ineffective means to redeem wai, say sorry out loud u coward

what are your some of your favorite fanworks made by other people?

these are all fic and i have a dreadful memory so i am certainly forgetting a lot but:

both parts of Are You Ready? by @galauvant. lauren just gets it

anything by @dimplesandfierceeyes

pudgy pran by @bbshyperfixation. julia if u ever see this i'm obsessed with u and i should reread both of these

a sheer repose of mind by prettyvisit0r made me cry most recently

(if you create fanworks) what are your favorite fanworks that you’ve made?

my dearest darling it has always been you written for my dearest darling ciel

a song that makes you think of bbs (the ones in the show don’t count lol)

LOVE ME MORE BY MITSKI. the amount of times i've watched gifs of the rooftop scene and felt like my soul was being torn to shreds by this song ohhh boy

idk anything else you want us to know?

i'm scared to talk to people but i promise i'm nice <3

[elegiesforshiva]

just saw your replies about Ghosts and I wanted to jump on the "Ghosts is one of the best fics!" bandwagon that's been going on. seriously, i read the fic, not expecting it to be so cathartic and good, and honest. your writing style brings something foreign and ethereal out of my heart. i think it's one of those fics that i will come back to forever and ever, again and again, because it understands human psyche in such a way I have never read before.

don't feel bad about leaving us hanging. honestly. if you don't feel like continuing it, don't! if you want to continue it someday, we'll be here, awaiting your return. maybe one day our phones will light up with an update. maybe it won't. but what you have given us will forever remain in our hearts.

also, as a personal note, I will say your writing style has opened a whole avenue of writing I didn't even know I wanted to indulge in. I go back and reread your works a lot because you have helped me find something in me that I didn't know it existed. Thank you

I swear, I get the best fucking comments on that fic, my heart is exploding from this THANK YOU 😭💘💘💘💘💘 Ghosts pulled out a raw magic inside me I didn’t know I could ever put down into words, I’m forever grateful for that piece...and for all the people who it touched too. It really did teach me I’m not alone. I have visceral memories of first coming to that realization when I saw how large the response was. I didn’t think my writing could ever evoke that, especially writing about something so brutally and romantically dark and upsetting. I cannot possibly explain how validating it has been to see that piece not only garnered a large response, but garnered it because it explored that darkness. Like damn......damn.... I needed that. I think we all do, sometimes.

you're sweet for saying this btw!!! honestly when i hear people asking if i'm gonna update or if i have plans to continue i have so many mixed feelings because it's like “when u gonna continue writing this tho” and im like “yeah damn when am i ??” LOL. When I think of the WIPs and other things I had planned for that series, I get SO excited. I remember chapter 17 being a huge highlight for me and I had planned so many more. But I think I may have fallen into a strange relationship with the craft of writing itself and I'm still trying to understand that. It's been stopping me and I know it will continue to for awhile. I also intuit Ghosts or the sasusaku fandom itself triggered it, so that kinda sucks lmfaooo. (Things to work out when I give myself therapy talks at 5am in my car i guess.) I hope y’all get that phone update someday too, but thank you for telling me it’s okay even you don’t. It’s something I need to hear every so often too... I appreciate that forgiveness. really really really moved by that last part... 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺 🥺  *holds you and this ask close to my heart FOREVER* ugh thank you so so much!!!!! I don’t know what the future holds but I am so happy I wrote it, for you, for other readers like you, and for me,, this all has been and continues to be its own nurturing experience, and i am very very grateful for it... 😭 💕

[lululawrence]

lululawrence's October 2021 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Lulu’s List Podcast Masterpost

October has come and gone already and the kids are ready to go trick or treat, and it just doesn't feel like it should be this late haha I had a lot of opportunity to read this month, and I read some incredible fics! It was a fun variety regarding length, topic, style, pairings, everything really, and I loved every minute of it. I'm excited to talk about all the things I loved about these fics below.

Sadly, my allergies have gotten the best of me and I currently don't have much of a voice, which does make it difficult to record a podcast. Once I have my voice back, I'll do my best to record it for you and link it here. Sorry for it being late, but thank you for your understanding!

As always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Still by @dandelionfairies / dandelionfairies (12k, G, Niall/Liam, Heartbreak Weather Fest, song fic, based on Still, exes to lovers, accidents, hospital, hurt/comfort, this fic was GORGEOUS and the dynamic between niall and liam for the entire thing, beginning to end, was so incredibly lovely)

Best Butt Ever by @hazzabeeforlou / Throwthemflowers (1k, M, Harry/Louis, alternate universe, crack fic, awkward flirting, children's birthday party, literal roleplay, so much awkwardness lolllll, this fic was hysterical, the most peak ridiculousness, and bad bottom behavior lmaooooo, just please read this)

the butthole series (parts 5 and 6) by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything

Picture This (3k, M, Harry/Louis, acquaintances to lovers, bartender Harry, awkwardness at its prime, clueless Harry, awkward Harry, honestly he's a disaster gay and so is Louis and I love them for it, miscommunication, it's more like a mis-assumption?, yeah you know what it's a hysterical butthole series fic so just read it lol)

Hot Chocolate (6k, M, Harry/Louis, meet cute, baker Harry, specialized chocolate maker Harry, artist Louis, sculptor Louis, Harry's horribly awkward attempts at flirting while getting a mold of his asshole made by Louis, are just insanely funny to me)

Tiny Penis Fics (parts 2, 3, 5, and 6) by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything

A Small Matter (A Matter of Trust) (19k, E, Harry/Louis, grindr hookups, secret friends with benefits situation, teacher Louis, teacher Harry, pretty much all the guys are teachers, secret tiny dick, jockstraps, this fic had so much vulnerability on both sides, and it made me cry a little bit too, which I wasn't expecting from a tiny dic fic but it is what it is lollll, i fucking love this series so much)

Be Mine, Little Valentine (7k, E, Harry/Louis, unashamed of his tiny penis Louis, meet cute, I guess lolll, Valentine's Day, Louis just wants a guy who will appreciate and love his tiny penis as much as he does, but he doesn't think he's ever gonna find that, and then he meets Harry, i fucking LOVE THIS SO MUCH)

Snow Big Deal (8k, E, Harry/Louis, Olympic snowboarder Louis, photography assistant Harry, small penis, micropenis, this fic has such a visceral way of showing Harry's inner struggles as well as the constant changing of the dynamic between Harry and Louis as they try to work it all out, all crowned with nudity and randomly pulling out their bits, and I love it for the comedy but also for the sheer brilliance of it all, plus as always the VULNERABILITY!, just give me soft vulnerable boys!!!)

Birthday Princess (5k, E, Harry/Louis, bartender Louis, newly legal Harry, birthday celebrations, propositions, meet cute, public sex, car sex, this fic was just fucking adorable and silly and sweet all wrapped up into one, how does Lauren continue to do it)

Scent Partner by @daggerandrose / amomentoflove (4k, E, Harry/Louis, A/B/O, alpha Louis, omega Harry, strangers to lovers, heat services, Harry finds Louis through a scent matching system, It's a super fun concept for the worldbuilding I'd never read before and i love it, it was a soft fic and made me feel safe while reading it while also just, it was fab all over, loved it)

Dancing Barefoot by @quelsentiment / wordsnnotes (19k, T, Zayn/Louis/Liam, cliche fest fic, single parent Liam, single parent Louis, uncle Zayn, model Zayn, artist Zayn, footie coach Louis, firefighter Liam, meet cute, flirting, honestly the way they all dance around each other, and learn about each other, and figure out their dynamic and have it be kind of jokes, before they all slowly shift into the realization of it all, and the way the POV is split up, it's all so perfect, it's a soft and intimate and glorious dynamic, with teacher Gemma and all of their kids/niece in the background, it's just lovely)

Why Didn't We Make Out the Night We Met? by @berzerkshires / berzerkshires (52k, E, Harry/Louis, meet cute, famous/non-famous, long distance relationship, chat fic, most of it happens over the phone or by texts, sometimes by voicemails, pop star Harry, university sports fields caretaker Louis, American Louis, assumed pseudonym, lying about Harry's real identity, angst with a happy ending, covid, truly though the structure of this fic is so unique and the rhythm of it is so cool how it builds up because of it, and the repetition but slight changes of the title of the fic being used in every chat they have, is so brilliant and endearing and heartbreaking and lovely)

Jaerie's Kinktober (parts 1-6) by @jaerie / jaerie

Jaerie's Kinktober: Bestiality (1k, E, Harry/Louis, shifters, werewolves, pack fic, roommates, friends to lovers, A/B/O, recreational drug use, casual sex... listen if you don't know what you're getting from Jenna fics, her kinktober might not be the best place to start cause she jumps right in, but it's fucking fantastic if you're up for a wild ride)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Water Sports (2k, E, Harry/Louis, famous/non-famous, voyeurism, exhibitionism, semi-public sex, singer Harry, crew member Louis, basically after the first time Harry had to take a piss during a concert beneath the stage she wrote this fic, and now it's basically canon, you're welcome, also please note i am not a watersports fan, but damn the way she did it i LOVE)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Hypnosis (2k, E, Harry/Louis, aliens, alien sex, tentacles, rape/non-con, coming untouched, obedience, praise kink, basically this fic is dirty dirty dirty and FAB)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Hybrids (2k, E, Harry/Louis, hybrid Louis, implied mpreg, mummy Harry, lactating Harry, lactation kink, breastfeeding, comfort, this fic is both soft and fucking hot at once and I am just constantly amazed by Jenna's ability to do that lol)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Pet Play (1k, E, Harry/Louis, master/pet, undernegotiated kink, roommates, friends to lovers, size difference, tiny penis, this fic is so vulnerable and open and the reaction they both have to Harry walking in on Louis like that is stellar)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Self-cest (2k, E, Harry/Harry, there is also established Harry/Louis but that's not the point of this one lol, canon compliant, lactation kink is touched on, time travel, age difference, non-binary character, butt plugs, listen this fic was fascinating and a fun look at several things, It was a fun way to explore something new, typing that out makes me feel so fucking ace like who talks about a kink fic like that but whatever)

No Such Thing As Second Choices by @slashter / slashter (30k, E, Liam/Louis/Harry, established Harry/Louis, neighbors, camboys Larry, flirting, polyamory negotiations, misunderstandings, communication to work out their problems, seriously when it finally happens the communication is fucking hot, listen this fic has everything i love about a fic, and then some amazing poly aspects added in, there is literally everything to love about this fic and i fucking adored it)

Old Photographs & Times I'll Remember by @jaerie / jaerie (54k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, time travel, historical fic (for the times in the past), Eroda, photographer Harry, closeted Harry, internalized homophobia, period typical homophobia, innkeeper Louis, Louis travels back through time to Harry through his photographs, this story is so deep and touching and lovely, and I think it might be my very favorite of all of Jenna's fics I've ever read, that's how much I loved it)

Lost in your Paradise by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren (6k, E, Harry/Louis, bottom Harry fest fic, A/B/O, omega Harry, alpha Louis, famous singers Ziam, public sex, strangers to lovers, tiktok, single mum Harry, reconnection, this fic is hot and funny and sweet and I enjoyed everything about it)

Make a Heart Dance: Give it a Beat by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13 (3k, G, Harry/Louis, canon compliant, exes to lovers, Harry is a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing, Louis doesn't want to admit to watching and supporting him, and gahhhhh the ending is so lovely and perfect I cryyyyy)

Candles and Clocks by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13 (1k, G, Niall & Louis, canon compliant, X Factor Era, Homesick Niall, cuddles, comfort, friendship, this is the most soft fic you'll ever experience in your life, so pure and sweet)

The Only One (when it's said and done) by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (6k, T, Harry/Louis, pack alpha Louis, a/b/o, omega Harry, neighboring packs, hurt/comfort, nesting, SO MUCH NESTING I LOVE IT, protective Louis, pack dynamics, I loved the descriptions of the packs and how they lived and where, as well as the relationships between them all, it made the fic truly feel alive it was incredible)

Freeway of Love (In a Pink Cadillac) by @mizzhydes / MsHydeStylinson (33k, E, Harry/Louis, sugar daddy Harry, accidental sugar daddy Harry I feel like, though Louis defo wants that lol, sugar baby Louis, vacation in Florida, age difference, daddy kink, exhibitionism, role playing, this fic was so much fun and I loved their dynamic so very much)

But If This Ends by @absoloutenonsense / nonsensedarling (107k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, vampire Harry, secret vampire Harry, friends with benefits, kinda, more like casual hookups, but trying to make it more, anyway, soulmates, angst, angst with a happy ending, bartender Harry, writer Louis, pet names, role play, plot twist, blood, magic, science, this fic was filled with the most full characters and relationships, all the complexity between them and the way it all developed, there was so much detail and it was so gorgeous, the absolute perfection in the storytelling and the pacing and the reality of how everyone reacted to the various situations, it was just all so real and believable, and I cannot rave about this fic enough, I absolutely adored it)

[thelittlemermage]

(this is pertaining to the nsfw drama, so if you’re done with it, you are totally free to delete this ask!) i think it’s rich that people hide behind the “think of the children!!!” excuse for being angry at the very rare nsfw things in the main tag, even though they have content warnings and everything. because if they really care so much about the children, then why aren’t the parents who let their kids have access to the internet unsupervised not at fault in the slightest? especially nowadays, when there’s 1) still not a solid way to make sure kids don’t view nsfw content yet, even if it’s behind a wall, and 2) when nsfw content is more known than ever to exist online, and even has a market?

I think it's so crazy it seems like parents supervise their children on the internet less than they did like 10, 20 years ago even though it's a lot more dangerous. Like it's normal to just put a 2 year old in front of a tablet with no restrictions. And I think there's difficulties that come with that too. We have smart phones now so the internet is a part of our everyday lives and it would be abnormal and isolating for a teenager to not have that. So it's like...parents should be checking in on their kids a lot more than they do. But also how do you do that? I guess making sure the apps they're using are age appropriate is a start. Idk. I imagine there's a weird balance between violating your kid's privacy and making sure they're not running into anything bad for them.

But for pre-pubescent children anyway I think we really need to start locking their shit down. I'm so disturbed how every kid these days has a story about how they were exposed to p*rn at a very young age. I do have to wonder if some of the intensity of the puritanical pushback comes from unresolved trauma. I honestly can't imagine why else the mere mention of the words "ns//fw" would be so viscerally damaging to someone. It makes me feel lucky I didn't even have access to the internet until like....12. And even then I was on like Disney dot com or something lol. I didn't get into fandom and junk until my mid teens and by that age I think I was equipped to handle some of the stuff you run into. So yea, I'm inclined to think the internet is just not a place young kids need to be on. :/

All that being said, yea lol. If someone is keeping that stuff where it's meant to be, using the appropriate tags, ect, and kids are still getting into it, that's not on the content creator at that point. I'm not your mom, I'm not keeping my whole life child friendly just because children...exist. Like, for example, if you're looking for fanfiction, that is a platform anyone can access. And the rating system can go from G to M or whatever it is these days lol. I don't think it's the fault of the author if some 14 year old decides to turn on the M rating. Like it would not make sense to make that decision and then go "Oh man. The adults have bamboozled me again by putting their M fic on the internet. Wow. How could they do that when I'm a minor." I don't think the solution is to therefore wipe all M fic off the internet, or punish the author for writing it. I think there's some level of personal accountability here and the understanding that if you actively make a choice you know you shouldn't, the natural consequence is that you may see something that makes you uncomfortable.

Idk. I know it's not a very simple issue. But at the end of the day, the internet wasn't build for children. Maybe things will get better now that more tech savvy generations are having kids....maybe? I hope? We definitely need to start teaching internet safety in schools at a young age or something. x.o

[ylizam]

tagged by: @chainofclovers

last song: The Loneliest by Måneskin

last show/series: that I finished watching? hmm, High Fidelity. I think. ooh, or Only Murders in the Building (obviously only through the most recent season, but yes).

currently watching: oh gosh what am I not watching? (plenty, obviously, as there is SO MUCH tv these days.) Abbott Elementary is a delight and a must-watch for me every week; I watch it the morning after it airs, and it’s the best way to wake up. the Laws and Order are my bad-for-me copaganda programs, and I spent a bunch of them yelling at everyone not to trust the police but also, look, Olivia Benson and I go way back. I’m enjoying Queer for Fear and Interview with the Vampire so far. Stars Trek: Lower Decks and Prodigy (when the latter comes back). General Hospital. And sometimes Days of Our Lives (it’s not my soap, but I like some of the characters and I’m trying to support the show in this strange, streaming world it’s in). 

favorite color: orange

sweet, spicy, or savory: yes, and. 

currently reading: Honey in the Marrow by Emily Waters (okay, technically I just finished this, but I was reading it when I was tagged so). This is Real and You are Completely Unprepared by Rabbi Alan Lew. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy (re-read). Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel (re-read). The Oleander Sword by Tasha Suri. fanfictions when they cross my path (mostly SVU lately tbh). 

what i'm working on: hahahahaha. ha. (which is to say that I have been so stuck, so very blocked, on just about everything, even though I have so many things I want to write and I really need.) (but now I have one exchange fic with a hard deadline and then Yuletide so hopefully those will help.) anyway in addition to like seventeen million ideas and things I’ve abandoned and may return to one day but also who knows, these are the official five things for now:

my femslash exchange fic. (it’s a secret.)

the TNG fic I’m co-writing with @summervillen (the goal is to finish before the Picard season 3 premiere date).

the original soap opera romance thing(ies: I have an idea for one story set in the 1980s, at the heyday of the genre, and one set current day when shows have been canceled and gone to streaming etc.; so it’s a duology, I guess?). the first one is fake dating for PR and whatnot. the second is a second chance romance for a background pairing in the first. 

the SVU Olivia Benson Becomes a Vigilante fic of the Cabot/Benson/Stabler variety. which stalled dreadfully during summer hiatus times, but I am feeling more excited about now that it’s network television season again. 

the Holby City remix fic that I’ve started and re-started and started again many times over the years, and which I really want to finish because I feel like I’ve never gotten any Berena closure for myself and also like I’ve slipped away without meaning to and would like to return.

currently obsessed with: the opening of Wolf Hall (“So now get up.” ugh, I want to roll around in it. it’s so good. I just, how did she do that? how is it so visceral, so there?). soap operas, as form, but also the history and cultural impact and fandom of; the watching of; the way you can grow up watching one, grow up and watch the characters age alongside you, racing ahead through life (sometimes you even get a character around your age that they don’t SORAS, and you grow up with them) (sometimes you get to watch a character age and still have adventures, romances, lives, and sometimes a character will devolve into someone who only shows up to talk to their—her, usually, because even in a genre where you get older woman living full lives, there’s still that pesky societal misogyny at play—grown child or grandchild); the shift from the heights of the daytime soap in the u.s. to now; the cancellations of shows and how that hurts (the way so many of these shows weren’t preserved over the decades, the film destroyed or taped over or whatever). the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation. (found family!) Kira Nerys and where she is now (or in the future, post-DS9, post Lower Decks; where she is now, whereas now is however many years post-DS9). Into the Woods. Russian Doll. apples. 

tagging: anyone who wants to answer these.

[op-peccatori]

Hopefully, Yours (part 2) | MLQC Victor

Fandom: Mr Love Queen’s Choice

Pairing: Victor/Fem!Reader

Rating: Mature 

Word Count: 8326

Summary: It took some cake, a friend, and some impulsive behaviour, but they got there. (part 2 of Hopefully, Yours)

Warnings/Tags: making out, language, my cheeseball antics

a/n: I was afraid of opening this doc at one point because every time I did I added more words to it ;; Also accidentally deleted the first draft, so I hope I didn’t leave anything out for this one. 

[video]

After Hours | Victor and Y/n

200, 280 views • Feb 8th, 2020

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JTV ✓

1.19M subscribers 

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5100 comments

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somsom 5 minutes ago

They’re both so nice. Victor’s always made out to be this heartless CEO, so it’s nice to see this side of him :) 

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tooktiktook  7 minutes ago

hmmmMMM

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cheribb 15 minutes ago

their eyes said more than enough <3 <3

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saltqueen 16 minutes ago

what i wouldn’t give to have someone look that soft over me

                                                    ⌨⌨⌨

Victor eyed the cheerful grin splitting Jason’s face, just a little uneasy in his seat. 

While having eager eyes on him was not an unfamiliar experience, he’d never been in a position where he was expected to talk about his feelings on camera. Not that he was about to confess in front of the entire crew of the show, but when it came to you the lines always got a little too blurry for his comfort. 

He got a little too eager.

“Just be nice,” Jason had instructed gently, and Victor steeled himself. 

They started, quite predictably, by asking him about his ideal type. Resisting the urge to scoff, he tried to stick to the script he’d worked on with Goldman, who had insisted on being present for today’s shoot. Not that Victor was complaining; it wasn’t exactly part of the job description, but Goldman had been enthusiastic, which Victor could appreciate and would certainly reward. 

Goldman had also spent most of yesterday handling the public relations department in his absence, preparing them for his appearance on the show. A tentative plan would be sent to him by tomorrow morning. He had faith in them, believing that they would be able to make this look good for him. 

“Someone who works hard,” he answered, knowing you would laugh at that. “Who can be themselves around me, someone I can be myself around. Someone...kind.”

The times you’ve spent in Souvenir flit through his mind, some quiet and some full of bright-eyed chatter.

“You’ve known Y/n for some time, right?” the interviewer asked. She looked nice, but he’d been on the block long enough to know that even the kindest faces can often hide the sharpest teeth.

“Yes.”

“What do you think of her?”

“She’s a very kind person,” he said easily. “One of the most hard-working and inspiring people I’ve ever met.”

You would surely gape like a fool after  seeing this. It was a little embarrassing, but Victor was determined to leave your image shiny after this. He would not have any words of his twisted to give you a bad name. If it got even a fraction of his feelings across, well, that was a bonus he wouldn’t mind having. The intimate setting of the ferris wheel had seemed to help some, but his admittedly indirect confession didn’t reach you as he had hoped.

God, but his father would love this.

“Did you have fun on your date?”

“It was lovely.” They tacked on another question and he nodded. “I...yes, I’d love to do it again.”

It was a little curt, but he didn’t really get what Goldman had meant by ‘nod tenderly with a far-off look.’

What would you think of that?

The interviewer raised a brow, her smile widening. “Let’s get to it, then. How do you feel about her?”

For some bizarre reason, the first thing that had come to his mind at this question was his inexplicable need to check your social idea every day. And the way his heart beats just a little faster when you’ve posted a new picture. How, in moments of weakness, he’d given in and saved a few to his phone. Even a mental reminder of it made him a little hot under the collar.

There were many things he couldn’t even begin to try and explain when it came to you.

Really, the list is endless.

Victor’s current favourite was the video you’d uploaded of eating the tiramisu he’d cooked. He watches it at the end of a bad day and just like that, he feels a little better.

“I think anyone who ends up with her would be the luckiest person in the world,” he said honestly. “She’s beautiful in every single way.”

The last three words were supposed to have stayed in his head, but saying them felt natural. Goldman seemed to approve, shooting him a discreet thumbs up.

When you walk in, sleep-deprived and grumpy but trying to hide it, thinking he won’t catch on as if he isn’t running sharp eyes over every inch of your face. When the first sip of your coffee is too eager, leaving your tongue burnt and him with a pressing need to soothe it with his own. When you eat too much sugar and complain about a stomach-ache; he scolds you for it, but his arms are left straining with the need to wrap themselves around you.

He cherished these moments and wanted every single one all to himself. 

She makes me greedy.

“Would you want to be that person?”

Victor laughed, light and incredulous. 

Yes. Yes. Yes. 

“I guess time will have to answer that question for us,” he said, the ghost of a smile on his lips, leaving it at just the right note to keep viewers hanging—right along with him.

lightscameranaps ✓ @jasonp

Hope y’all enjoyed the episode! #HopefullyYours

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bandanaman @headaccs

@jasonp sooo really sorry about this but we’re kinda dying over here

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raspberrydream @berryberry

@headaccs Victor’s acc is still private. Maybe there’s something there? 

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srirachafire @hotsauce

@berryberry But Y/n’s isn’t private, and there’s nothing there. Give it up guys, they’re just friends. 

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bandanaman @headaccs

@hotsauce bruh that look?? was not friendship 

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raspberrydream @berryberry

@hotsauce those words?? were not friendship

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srirachafire @hotsauce 

@headaccs @berryberry you two?? are hopeless romantics

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lightscameranaps ✓ @jasonp

@headaccs honestly? me too D: 

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bandanaman @headaccs

@jasonp !!!!!! asdfgdvsd

Closing your Moments and the entire thread discussing the episode, you flop back down onto your mattress. Reaching for your newest plushy, you hug it tight, perhaps a tad too aggressively. 

It’s odd. You struggle between the visceral sort of pleasure that comes from a job well done—because the response is terrific—and the trembling nerves that come from watching yourself on a date with Victor.

Watching the episode had been harder than you had expected; you hadn’t quite been expecting the way Victor was looking at you—the intense gaze was a little too convincing, and watching it from the audience’s perspective was flustering. 

You spent most of it trying to suppress the inconvenient surges of hope, telling yourself it wasn’t real.

There really was nothing to know. The ferris wheel shot had ended there because you had nothing to say to Victor’s answer. You don’t know if he was referring to his past or his present, but the look in his eyes made it clear: his feelings were still there. Instead of pressing him, you chose to stay quiet, exhaustion clear in your face and sinking deep into your bones.

Victor had seemed to understand and maybe even appreciate it, probably not wanting to discuss it either, and only insisted on dropping you home. The ride to your place had been mostly silent, but you had tried to ask him his thoughts on the day and the shoot. He kept his answers concise, appearing a little distracted, which was so unlike him it made you wonder if he regretted opening up.

You’d spent the entire ride trying to quell the delicate little thing trembling in your chest.

The next video started while you were lost in your thoughts, and it happens to be your individual parts. Curious, you lean in, wincing slightly at the way you were fidgeting. 

And then they switch to Victor. You both had to wear the outfits from the date for these, but you still weren't quite expecting the impact his voice alone would have on you. 

And as always, those fierce eyes have you freezing in place.

“Let’s get to it, then. How do you feel about her?”

He looks unfazed by the question. Of course, they go over the questions with you beforehand, but you still remember how nervous you’d felt when asked how you felt about him; Victor’s eyes flick towards the camera, filled with intent, as if addressing you—and you close the laptop with a snap, your throat tight.

You don’t have to watch that right away.

You had been very careful about what to say, how to act, channeling your inner-Victor to adopt a marble-smooth expression. Say nice things about him? Easy, you didn’t even have to make anything up. Imply just enough to keep people guessing. 

Keep your unwanted feelings to yourself. 

Palm coming to rest over your heart, pressing down as if it would alleviate the ache there, you try to sort through your thoughts. You never really thought there was a chance, but to hear it confirmed was a blow you weren’t prepared for. 

It’s ridiculous to feel so insecure, you think. You feel like you lost a competition you had never even had the chance to compete in. And over an unnamed, mysterious figure? So silly! 

But another part of your mind says it’s okay to feel this way, that it’s only natural. You’ve had such strong feelings for Victor for so long. And all of these feelings, the good and the bad, are yours; the wounds of your heart, the light in your laughter. Fighting them would only make you suffer. The love and the hurt are part of you, both important in their own right.

Knowing all of that doesn’t make it easier, though. 

After all, Victor had alluded to his feelings on camera, to your face. Knowing him, he would never do that unless he was sure about the person. 

“This fucking sucks,” you admit out loud, and at the heels of your words come the tears. Because, to make it even worse, people really seem to think it’s you. 

You can’t blame them, because even you had been taken in by his soft looks. Anyone watching would believe he’s smitten with you. Good for the show, terrible for you. 

You’re not strong enough to reply to them, to tell them you aren’t that fortunate, and have been hoping Victor, or someone from his team, would put a stop to it. 

But there hasn’t been any word from them and you curse out loud at the fact that he expects you to do something about it. As if there’s any more emphasis needed, your phone vibrates. Unlocking it with a miserable sigh, you scroll down quickly.

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Minor [19:40]: am I watching this right? Boss, are you dating the CEO? PLS SAY NO

Chik [20:21]: You bitch. When were you going to tell me you snagged THAT? So I was right back then, ha! Anyway, you two are adorbs. The puppy eyes are disgusting. I’m proud of you.

Chik [20:22]: also...deets. Now. I’ll even throw in a please!!! 

Lucien [20:40]: Well, now. I seem to have missed out on quite the opportunity.

Kiro [20:45]: I wish you’d invited me. But I guess it wouldn’t have mattered. I hope he makes you happy, Miss Chips! He better, or else ;P

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Frowning at the texts you scroll back up, hoping, hoping, hoping, and at the sight of the name that always sits at the tip of your tongue, you curl up tighter.

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Victor [21: 05]: Are you okay?

Y/N [21:20]: I’m fine. Moments seems to be blowing up, haha. Did you watch the episode?

Victor [21: 20]: Yes.

Victor [21: 21]: Did you?

‎

You pause at that, looking guiltily at your laptop. You had, sort of. Fighting off your own thoughts had taken up most of your attention. Resolving to watch it again—a clear display of previously dormant masochistic tendencies, roused by Victor— and actually pay attention this time, you turn back to the screen.

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Y/N [21:22]: Yeah, but not the individual parts. It was nice, they made it seem so real! But we’re going to have to say something to let them know there’s nothing like that.  

‎

You wait anxiously for a reply, a part of you clearly suffering from delusion hoping he’d oppose that. When there’s no text from him for a few minutes, you plug your phone in to charge and get out of bed, heading for a quick shower before you get something to eat.

Heartbreak hasn't been enough to curb your appetite, and you feel more than ready to let dessert have the chance to make you feel better.

Who needs Victor when you have cake, right?

Just as you’re halfway through cutting a slice of the cake Jason—well, his team—had sent as thanks, trying to keep your thoughts away from the bottle of wine you‘ve got tucked away, your doorbell rings, breaking the melancholic silence of your apartment. A part of you wants to roll your eyes at your dramatics, while the other feels you have the right to wallow for as long as you need to.

The irrational side of you stirs once more, conjuring thoughts of Victor rushing over, and you peep through the hole with a wildly thumping heart. 

Lucien’s serene smile chases those thoughts away, and you open the door with a sheepish grin. 

He looks a little tired, his dark bangs ruffled; unlike his usual sharp appearance, he looks impossibly soft in his barn red sweater and comfortable looking track pants. He’s also got a folder tucked under one arm.

“Hi!” 

“Sorry to drop by so late,” he greets you, his warm eyes bringing you a little comfort instantly. “But you mentioned you’d be working on Miracle Finder tomorrow and I wanted you to have the chance to go over my remarks before that.”

“Lucien! Thank you,” you insist, waving away his apology. “Would you like to come in? I’ve got cake.” 

He searches your face for a moment, and his eyes narrow the slightest bit. You feel a little self-conscious in your over-sized sweatshirt and shorts, but it’s not like he hasn’t seen you in various states of disarray before. 

“Can’t really say no to that. Let me get my laptop,” he finally agrees. You wait at the door as he gets it, before leading him in. But you notice his curious, inquisitive looks, so subtle and so Lucien, as he toes off his shoes.

“Everything okay?” You reach for another plate, cutting a second slice as Lucien takes a seat at the table. 

“Yes, of course. It’s just,” he hesitates, and there’s that odd scrutiny again. “I wasn’t expecting you to be alone.” 

“On a Sunday evening?” The first bite of the cake tastes like sweet comfort over the taste of despondency, and you send a silent thanks to Jason. “I spent the day napping.”

“Well, after the show I just watched,” he says, quite slyly in your opinion. “I wasn’t even sure if you’d be home.”

“I didn’t know you were interested in dating shows.” You’re aware your tone is more than a little petulant, but Lucien only laughs around a mouthful of the cake. 

“I am if you’re in one,” he retorts. “This is quite nice, by the way.” 

“The director, Jason sent it. And, honestly, it wasn’t planned. We were supposed to have Kai and Hollow on, but they ended up clashing horribly. Jason asked me and Victor was around, so…” you trail off, uncomfortable. 

“Is that why you texted me that day?” He seems to have remembered your message, and you wince slightly. You had texted him later with an apology, but hadn’t really expected him to cotton on. He doesn't look mad, just expectant.

“Well, yes, but Jason wanted, he wanted Victor.” Stumbling over your words, heat suffuses your skin as you flounder for a moment.

Lucien watches you with the eyes of a fox and the understanding of a good friend. “Just Jason?”

“Huh?”

“Was it just Jason who wanted Victor?” he asks, tilting his head as your mouth purses. 

No, no, of course it wasn’t. You stare down at your half-eaten cake, the other half of it beginning to churn in your stomach. His small, soft smiles. His scent. His rants on street food and the way he dragged you away from food that would ‘absolutely make you ill, you absolute dummy’ as Jason resigned himself to having to cut all of that out. It all comes back in a rush, your head left feeling heavy.

And then it feels the weight of a hand, as Lucien reaches over to pat it gently. “Never mind. Why don’t you get your organizer and we can go over tomorrow’s episode?” 

Relieved, grateful and slightly emotional over his silent acceptance, you rush to your bedroom to find your notebook and laptop, barely catching the light of your phone screen before it went black. Unplugging and checking it as you exited the room with your materials in hand, your train of thought comes to a screeching halt.

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Victor [21:59]: Do you really believe that?

Victor (2 missed calls)

Victor [22:15]: Y/n.

Victor [22:16]: ...Did you fall asleep?

Victor [22:18]: Dummy. Goodnight. 

‎‎

Unwilling to delve into what his first text means, you shift your thick planner in your arms and type a quick reply. 

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Y/N [22:19]: Hi! Sorry. I went to get something to eat and then Lucien dropped by. We’re going to get to work haha ^^

Victor [22:19]: …

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You wait for a whole minute before Lucien calls for you, and let your hand fall, phone locked, with a sigh. 

Well, at least he’ll be happy to hear you’re working hard.

Sinking into familiar, engaging discussions with Lucien is easy. Even with the thoughts of Victor looming at the back of your mind, you straighten out a plan for the shoot. Lucien listens to your input carefully, adding his own notes as you squint at yours. His voice, familiar and soothing, lulls you, distracting you from yourself for a short while.

Before you know it, it’s eleven and you’ve got a fantastic plan in hand. 

“I’m sorry I kept you so late,” you say for the second time in a minute, and he gives you an exasperated look. “And thank you.” 

“I’ve told you, there’s no need for all that between us,” Lucien repeats, crossing one long leg over the other as he adopts a thoughtful look. “However, perhaps you could satisfy my curiosity regarding one thing.”

“What is it?” 

You were prepared for a philosophical question. What he comes up with is, in your opinion, way more difficult to answer. 

“Why aren’t you with Victor?” he asks seriously. You blink, uncomprehending.

“Like, right now?” 

“Right now, or in general. I didn’t think he would just...let you be,” Lucien mutters the last part under his breath, but you still catch it. He continues to say something about possessive bastards, but you’re not touching that.

“I think you’ve misunderstood,” you say, slowly, with a nervous laugh, shoulders hunching a little. “All of that was just for the camera. Victor and I aren’t like that.” 

“But you have feelings for him,” Lucien points out, cutting straight to the heart of the matter and yours. Really, this is almost cruel. Lucien turns to face you fully as you sigh and sink back into the couch. 

“I do.” It’s the first time you’ve admitted it out loud. Sure, some of the people in your life have had an idea, but you’ve never said it. Lucien seems like a good person to start with. “But he doesn’t feel the same way, so.” 

And you’ve never said that out loud either. It hurts, as you put it out into the universe. As if shying away from it before would have increased your chances. 

Lucien looks at you oddly. “Did he say that? Because the way he looks at you says otherwise. It’s quite embarrassing.”

You feel heat creeping up the back of your neck.

“I’ve never told him how I feel,” you mumble, pressing the side of your cheek into the soft fabric, hoping it would swallow you up. 

“Then how do you know how he feels?” Lucien continues to probe, and you exhale forcefully because it’s so clear to you; why isn’t it ever as clear to everyone else? 

And Lucien is supposed to be your smart friend!

‘Well, there’s also someone else in his life but I can’t exactly say that.’

“Because it’s Victor,” you declare with an emphatic sweep of your hands, hoping it would somehow get your point across, that it would explain how unattainable he is. Just as you do, two things happen successively. 

One: Lucien looks at you as if he wants to boink you on the head or laugh really loudly. He does neither, but his mouth twitches violently.

And two: there’s a series of loud, heavy knocks on your door, before the culprit seems to remember you have a doorbell and rings that instead. It only rings once, but you can sense that the person is still there.

Exchanging alarmed looks with Lucien, you rise to your feet and shuffle towards the door.

“Let me,” Lucien murmurs, stopping you before you can reach the entrance, and steps forward to look through the peephole. His only reaction is a quick, sharp exhale before he steps back to unlock the door. 

Without telling you who was just knocking at your door like a maniac. 

“Wait, who i-” the words fall away with your panicked thoughts, as Lucien opens the door to reveal your uninvited visitor.

It really is Victor this time, with his chest heaving as if he’d run up the stairs. Victor, with his inky hair pushed back carelessly, in dark grey sweats and a light grey t-shirt and indoor slippers. 

Victor, with a furious look in his eyes as he pushes past Lucien, who looks a little too entertained in the face of such ire. 

“Sorry to intrude on your cosy evening,” he says, after a short pause, through clenched teeth. You stare at him in disbelief, unable to form actual words at the moment. It feels as if a concentrated storm itself has swept into your living room, ready to swallow you up. 

Of course, a part of you would be more than okay with that. Even with that knife-sharp glint in his eyes, you can’t help but want to throw yourself at it, let it graze the softest parts of you, in an emotional variation of bloodletting. 

Sometimes you surprise yourself with the things you think.

Maybe you should’ve changed into nicer pyjamas after all, damn it.

“Victor? What-is everything okay?” You look him over carefully, seeing no visible signs of injury. The stony look on his face, however, keeps you from coming too close. What could you possibly have done now?

Swiftly, you run through a list of work-related tasks. Nope. Nothing. You’ve been sure to give it your all this week just so Victor wouldn’t feel the need to call you.

Even now, though, something under your skin starts buzzing, as it always does when his entire attention is on you.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t everything be okay?” he says mutinously, crossing his arms over his chest. Okay, you’re sensing more than a little hostility here. 

And, because life is unfair, bitchy is also a good look on Victor.

“Well,” you draw out, looking past him at Lucien, who shrugs lightly. Victor frowns at the exchange. He levels a downright lethal glare at Lucien, who tilts his head in clear interest. Kinda hot, but you should probably keep that to yourself lest you push Victor to the point of spitting fire. “It’s...late...and you’re here…?”

That has his mouth doing that little spasm it does when he’s pissed. “And I notice I’m not the only one. What, is it just me who’s barred from coming to your place this late?” 

“Well, n-no,” you stammer, looking once more at Lucien who seems content to watch and be unhelpful. “But Lucien was just here to talk about tomorrow’s episode.” 

Why are you here? 

The question seems to hang in the air, unsaid yet clear. 

Victor says nothing, standing tall in your living room like an indignant matron. You feel helpless, confused, elated and increasingly offended because of the implication in his words that only catches up to you now.

You pick the path of offense.

“But what, exactly, did you think Lucien was doing here?” you ask, your tone turning decidedly cooler. He returns your glare. Behind him, you see Lucien trying to hide a smile. “You seem to be under the impression that I make it a habit of entertaining people in my evenings?” 

Victor blinks at that, arms coming loose, and you hold up a hand.

“And even if I did want to have friends over at night,” you say loudly, through gritted teeth. “What business is it of yours?” 

“It’s inappropriate,” he insists. 

“No, what’s inappropriate is you coming into my house and telling me who I should, or should not, be spending time with, regardless of the time.” Much to your frustration, you find yourself blinking back tears as your voice cracks towards the end. 

Victor deflates at that, the ice in his expression melting in the face of your furious tears; Lucien, concern clear on his face, takes a step towards you. Your eyes squeeze shut, as if that would hide you from them; anger and embarrassment war within you at not only crying in front of Victor, but to have a quiet Lucien witnessing this ridiculous drama. 

Where did your peaceful day go?

You hear footsteps, hesitant and barely audible, come closer, feel the heat from a body as it nears yours. 

“I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” It’s Victor.

Your eyes snap open to the sight of his back, your feet carrying you forward without the aid of your thoughts, a hand curling loosely into his t-shirt. 

Leave? Just like that? 

He stops in his tracks, looking back down at you in surprise. You’re not sure what he sees as you keep your eyes fixed on his shoulder, but it makes him sigh softly.

A thumb wipes under your eyes, gentle, and strong arms wrap around you carefully, pulling you into an—unreasonably broad, you think—chest; his comforting scent envelopes you, pulling you back from the edge. 

It’s frustrating. You want to yell at him for barging in like a lunatic. But you don’t want him to leave. You want to sink into his steady embrace and allow the solace it brings.

With your face pressed to his t-shirt, you miss the way he looks back at Lucien, who nods and turns to leave, but not before holding Victor’s gaze for a moment longer—you don’t see the warmth drain from his face, the vicious warning warning clear in his eyes. 

Victor pulls you closer, nodding once. 

If Lucien’s answering smile is a touch more resigned than amused, neither of them can really acknowledge it. 

You try to pull back when you hear the door close gently, but Victor cards a hand through your hair and you slump back into his embrace. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, stroking your hair, with a gentle hesitance uncharacteristic for the decisive man. “That was...extremely inappropriate of me. I should not have done that. I can leave. I should.”

He should. But neither of you move. His heart beats a little faster, the sound clearer the longer your ear remains pressed into his chest. 

With cotton in your mouth, your mind totally mush with the knowledge that Victor’s hugging you, and with the little voice yelling that he does not get to hold you after driving you to tears—it takes you a moment to form a response. 

But you can’t resist. “So what you’re saying is you made an impulsive decision.” 

The soft motions of his hand pause before he huffs into your hair. There’s no other response, and it makes you smile a little.

“Why did you?” you finally ask. Victor quite visibly lost his cool. While he did seem to have something against Lucien, this was a bit much. You hadn’t been aware that the hostility ran this deep.

He tucks your head under his chin, the arm around your waist tightening, and as the anger subsides, your face begins to heat up as you realize how intimate this is. But Victor seems content to stay like this, and your heart hammers when you feel something brush the crown of your head. 

“Dummy,” he mutters, and yes, his words are slightly muffled by your hair, and you feel the urge to stick your head in the refrigerator. “You had that guy over this late at night. Do you really need to ask?” 

“It’s just Lucien,” you respond, and this time he lets you pull your head away to look at you with abject disbelief. 

“Just? There’s no just with that guy.” He seems serious, so you swallow the laughter bubbling up.

“Lucien is a dear friend,” you assure him. “You were really that worried about it?”

“Worried,” Victor repeats, staring at you. Your confusion is clear in your face, as the feeling that you’re missing something creeps in. “Worried. Yes. I was worried.” 

You nod encouragingly, and take a quick step back when he laughs. It isn’t one of his airy laughs, that escapes him when he finds something funny. It’s low, almost strangled—and then he steps forward, expression melting into sheer intent. 

When he speaks, his voice is a full octave lower and it scrambles your brains with shameful ease.

“Since he was the one you considered over me for our date that day. Yes, I suppose I was worried,” he muses, matching every unsteady step you take backwards with one towards you. You refrain from pointing out that it was for a show, and all too soon, the back of the sofa hits your hips and Victor looms over you. 

You tuck the part about him knowing you wanted to ask Lucien first away for later. Victor, his soothing scent, the heat from his breath, his tempestuous gaze—your senses flood with him.

“Y-yeah. But you didn’t need to be, he always helps us out,” you point out confusedly, and he gives you a familiar, unimpressed look that brings a small, and odd, measure of relief. 

“What kind of a person would I be,” he says, and your stomach swoops as he leans over you, hands resting on the top of the sofa as you lean back. “If I let dangerous men like him think they have a chance with you?” 

“Dangerous? He’s…” The rest of his words catch up and you can’t think, tongue struggling to form coherent speech. “Not...dangerous?” 

“Too dangerous,” he murmurs, lips brushing over your temple. Something in the back of your throat trembles. “Even if I don’t have the right, I…”

He doesn’t continue.

Holding your breath, you count to five before releasing it, pulse beating an anticipatory beat in your veins. “Why should anyone think they don’t have a chance with me?” 

You know he hasn’t, but with how everything in you stills after asking that question, you wonder if he stopped time.

You’re not sure if it’s the right question to have asked, or the worst.

But it gives him pause, and when the tip of your tongue slips out to wet your lips, his eyes slide down to your mouth. A large hand slides up your spine to rest at the back of your head, your skin erupting with goosebumps at the touch. 

Your lips part on the softest sound and it makes something rumble in his chest, quiet but clear with how close he is. 

It gives you what you’ve been dreaming of—Victor’s lips falling over yours, soft, with a rushed breath and fervent eyes, something desperate at the edge of it. Everything goes quiet, with only your blood pounding in your ears. It feels as if every inch of you is awake in a tingly sort of way, your thoughts deserting you at the way he looks at you, ready to devour. 

There’s hunger in his eyes, and you feel faint when it hits you.

It’s also his answer, you realize, mouth opening to say something, anything, and he pulls you back, kissing you fiercely. Something in you caves, spilling into your blood, setting it alight with a burst of sparking desire.

Victor kisses with his entire body, like he does everything else: controlling every inch of it, sweeping your mind clean, licking into your mouth with the determination that drives his every action, to conquer.

But you’ve been determined to match him since the day you first met him, all too eager to push back and clash. You don’t mind the clack of teeth, the lack of rhythm, and Victor only presses in harder as your arms slide over his shoulders, fingers weaving into his hair. Your tongue is a sly thing that licks along his, your mouth a clever warm weapon that sucks at it, and he unravels. 

Hands that were so careful lose their caution as they dig into the sides of your hips, slinking down and hooking around your thighs as he lifts you up, your legs wrapping around his waist.

“You’re not stopping me,” he rasps against your lips, almost questioning, pupils blown wide. He looks so good you might just lose your mind, and this is after a kiss.

Taking a page out of his book, you kiss him again. 

He carries you around the sofa—with a strength you’ll be sure to admire deeply once you’ve regained the ability to form thoughts—even as he sucks bruises into the delicate skin of your neck, sitting down with you sinking into his lap. 

You’re shivering, you realize, at this sudden fulfilment of a desperate, impossible wish. Your knees press into the sides of his thighs as Victor kisses the corners of your mouth, the curve of your upper lip, the plush, swollen jut of your lower lip—and you feel deliriously drunk. 

He watches you carefully.

“Oh,” you say, half-slurring, kissed stupid. “That’s why.”

“Hm,” he agrees, nuzzling the side of your face. His eyes are bright, his arms a grounding touch around your back. “No one should think they get to have this.” 

“No one but you?” It’s meant to be clever, sharper, but it comes out shy instead. He nips at the shell of your ear, and you can’t bring yourself to be mad about it. 

“If you allow it,” he confirms. He presses his lips to the soft skin behind your ear.

Something swells within you, sweet, sudden and threatening to dissolve you into tears. It breaks open, everything you’ve worked so hard to suppress spilling out like hoarded treasure out of a box now too small to hold it.

“I like you.” It comes out in a rush, and you slap your hands over your face. This time, his low chuckle rings clear in your ears. But when your breath hitches on a sob, his grip on you tightens, lips finding your forehead. “I really like you. So much. I have for a while. At the fair, all of it, I wasn’t...wasn’t acting.” 

“What, and you thought I was?” He looks a little offended when you take a peek at his face. But the sight of his ruffled hair and kissed-puffy lips sends a hot, thrilled jolt through you, and you have to restrain yourself from pouncing. “I have many skills. Acting, admittedly, is not one of them.”

“I thought maybe it was a hidden passion or something,” you mutter, trying to repress a wet laugh at the withering look he gives you, gentle hands wiping at your eyes. “What, you were great!”

“Nope. That was all real,” he declares, pulling you in to rest against him, your head on his shoulder. You feel a little awkward, but that’s mostly outweighed by how much you want to stay here. “...well, maybe I was a little…”

“Nicer than usual?” you offer, and he huffs into your hair. “Cheesy, like you binge-read several romance novels the night before?”

“Cheesy?” He protests, and you laugh with warmth building and rushing through you. “I thought you liked all that.” 

“I do.��� This time, the kiss he presses into the crown of your head is firmer. 

“Then I’ll do it.” You look up at him, a little enchanted, a little bewildered, but the former wins out as the corners of his mouth curl up. “Every silly thing you want to do. Oh, and I really like you too.” It’s almost a scoff, but the tremor in his voice and the flush that spreads across his skin speaks his truth.

“Really?” you ask, your grin a little mad and ridiculously beatific. It feels unreal, the joy and relief spreading through you; he pecks the tip of your nose.

“Have I ever given you reason to doubt me?” Victor asks, and the solemn sincerity in his voice prompts you to deliver a loud, smacking kiss to his cheek, just because you can. To your unending joy, the lobes of his ears are almost impossibly red. 

“Never,” you assure him, peppering more kisses over his skin, fascinating by the sight of him pinkening. A thought strikes you, dampening your rising spirits. “I thought...thought there was someone else.” 

He makes a soft, surprised noise in his throat, disbelief winning out over the tenderness for a moment. “Who?”

“I don’t know!” You press your face into the side of his neck, inhaling his comforting scent, hoping it would help with the remnants of hurt. “Some mystery goddess.” 

He’s quiet as you nuzzle his rapidly warming skin, feeling the first hints of sheer mortification settle in at the way your voice just cracked. He whispers something. 

“Sorry?” 

Victor clears his throat. “Just you.” He buries his nose in your hair before you have the chance to lean back like you want to. “It’s only ever been you.” 

Not expecting the sincere confession, it feels as if the breath was punched out of you.  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” 

He toys with a strand of your hair, curling it absently around a finger. “I didn’t want to overstep. And to make you feel like you had to reciprocate.” 

You stay silent, sensing that he has more to say, even though you want nothing more than to wrap yourself around him and never let go.

“I’ll admit that I feared you would feel pressured to be with me. And that would...I would rather see you happy with someone else, than see you miserable with me.”

“I could never be miserable with you,” you protest at once, feeling almost offended by the mere suggestion. 

“I’m not...I know I can be difficult.” The words fall out in a rushed exhale, as if he wants to get them out before they can be swallowed; you feel weak with the force of your emotions. “But I can try for you. I did that day. I wanted you to relax, to have fun, like you do with your friends. I didn’t want you to be so...cautious.” 

It’s true, you realize guiltily, that there are times where you can’t completely relax in Victor’s company. Those are the days where your feelings sit a little heavier in your stomach, when his words strike a little sharper. The thought of disappointing him, of doing something not to his taste, of judgment, held you back. 

But the day of the fair had been different. He met you halfway, maybe even more than that, and never said a word of complaint. You’d assumed that had been for the camera, though.

“Please,” he says with a roll of his eyes, and you realize you’d said that out loud. “No, that was…” He lowers his gaze, long lashes fanning over the tops of his cheekbones. “That was to show you that you can have fun with me too. I...like you. The way you are. Every bit. The determined, unyielding parts.”

You stare at him.

“The hurting, unsure parts,” he says, a little quieter. “The silly, ridiculously cute parts—don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what,” you ask, your overworked mind trying to process his words, knowing your smile is probably embarrassingly dopey. 

He scowls at you. “Just be yourself with me. Dummy is fine.” 

“Victor,” you exclaim all of a sudden, startling him. “How am I supposed to stay standing in the face of you saying things like that?” 

He rolls his eyes again. “First of all, you’re sitting right now, and I don’t plan to let you move for a while.” Predictably, you feel a little lightheaded at that. “And as for the future...then don’t try to stand, dummy. You can just rest here.” He pulls your head to rest on his shoulder, patting it firmly.

“I’m going to die,” you say with absolute certainty into his shoulder. “I can’t survive this.” 

“You have to,” he mutters dryly, tucking you more firmly against him. “Haven’t you seen the discussions? Our ‘love story’ can’t end in your death, too many would be left devastated.” 

“Including you?” The look you direct at him is positively vulpine, and he snorts, pushing your head back down. Bully. 

The titillated fluttering in your stomach makes you smile.

“...I can’t become a widower before we even get married,” he says solemnly, and you can nearly feel the blood drain from your face as you rear back. 

The corners of his mouth twitch with something like mischief, and the smack you deliver to his bicep is perfectly justified. 

The undoubtedly chiselled muscle you feel very briefly will also require further rumination once you’re alone.

He’s cracking marriage jokes, no doubt referring to the few comments gushing about a secret wedding. An hour ago, you had been under the impression that he was madly in love with some mystery figure. 

Like a bird just freed, your heart flutters at the thought of him having feelings for you.

“Say it again.” 

To his credit, he doesn’t do you the disservice of pretending he doesn’t know what you’re asking for. He clears his throat, eyes flicking to the side before finding their way back to yours. 

“I like you,” he says, a little lower, a lot deeper. “Dummy.” 

You wish you could see what your face was doing, because it makes his eyes go really, really soft. Now that you aren’t weighed down by the frantic need to hide your feelings from one of the most astute people you’ve ever met, you feel like you could float away the way you’ve seen Gavin do, just from how free and happy you feel.

“Just for the record,” you say quietly. “I like you the way you are too.”

“Hm?”

“Even when you’re being a jerk.” He tweaks your ear lightly, rolling his eyes when you giggle. Your heart beats a harsh beat as you try to come up with the right words. “But you’re also the best man I know. When you have it together, and when you don’t—I’ll be there for you. Always.” The way he’s always been there for you.

He kisses the tip of your nose, his pretty eyes a little shinier than before.

“We should aim for a real date first.” He sounds decisive, and a little hoarse.

“...I have a list of places I thought would be good for our first date,” you admit, eyes still locked with his despite your shy admission. He looks pleased, always happy when you take the initiative, and you watch his mouth do that tender thing for a second before leaning in for a swift kiss, catching his lower lip between your teeth as you pull away.

“Good.” His head falls back onto the sofa as your lips trail down his neck curiously, mouthing at the slope of his adam’s apple. Just because you can. “Send it to me.”

“Good,” you murmur, breath hitching in your throat as his hands curl over your waist, skimming the hem of your sweatshirt. “We’re doing this, then.” 

“Most definitely.” With how throaty his voice has gotten as you reach his clavicle, a gentle explorer, you’re not sure words will be your allies for much longer.

“Will you be my boyfriend then, Mr. CEO?” you ask playfully, tasting the words in your mouth. Victor makes a soft, content sound in his throat. 

“I’m all yours,” he affirms, relishing the words in his mouth, raising his head to look at you through hooded eyes. You both know it, just a little, but saying the words brings a giddy, vulnerable sort of feeling with them. “And you…”

With no need for hope, just certainty, you rise up to kiss him softly. 

“I’m yours.” 

BTS:

Goldman stares at Jason in horrified disbelief, shocked by the words that had just left the director’s mouth. He glances at his boss, whose only reaction had been to cock a brow. 

“Would you be open to replacing Kai?”

“I’m...not really one for such shows,” Victor says, quite delicately in Goldman’s opinion, knowing the man usually has no qualms about being savagely blunt.

“I’m aware. I just thought it would be something different, something that would let people see a different side of you,” Jason explains, still completely at ease. 

Victor’s expression makes it quite clear he doesn’t care about people seeing other sides of him.

“Who’s the other participant? Did Hollow come back?” Goldman asks, curious despite himself.  In his very personal opinion, which he will definitely be keeping to himself, it might be nice for Victor’s image if people saw he isn’t always heartless. 

“Oh, no. She didn’t,” Jason says pleasantly. But the look in his eyes is almost hawklike as he keeps them locked on Victor. “I asked Y/n to do it instead. She agreed.” 

Now, to the untrained eye, Victor gives no outward reaction to that statement. 

But Goldman sees the way his brow twitches, the way his lips purse the slightest bit. He wonders if Jason, as a director with many years of experience under his belt, caught it too. 

“She agreed?” Victor asks, sounding as if he doesn’t quite believe it. 

“Yes,” Jason answers, suddenly distracted as he glances at his wristwatch. He sighs, a touch too dramatic to be convincing, but Goldman doesn’t think Victor cares about that. “But I understand. We wouldn’t want you to do something you’re not interested in. I have to go check on her, we’ll keep you updated.”

Something is happening here, Goldman realizes. Jason isn’t rushing out, but seems to be waiting for something. 

Victor, staring at the surface of the coffee table, is struggling. 

Goldman struggles too. He struggles not to roll his eyes in abject exasperation, to pray for divine patience. Why is he like this? Of course, to step into such an obvious trap surely goes against all the instincts he’s honed over the years, but none of that matters when it comes to the delicate matters of the heart! 

Instead, he catches Jason’s eyes, pushing his glasses up his nose, eyes glinting. 

“But who else would you ask to step in on such short notice?” Goldman asks, pointedly. 

And finally, Goldman holds his breath as the ghost of a smirk passes over Jason’s mouth.

This is it.

“Oh, it shouldn’t be a problem. Y/n said she could call Professor Lucien, having already guessed Victor wouldn’t be, um, up for it. She really knows you well, huh?” Jason informs them cheerfully, and even Goldman isn’t expecting that. He thought Jason would go for the ‘who will help poor y/n’ route.

It’s obvious manipulation, and they all know it. Knowing Victor, he will stubbornly refuse to give in and suffer for it. At least, the way he’s glaring at Jason seems to indicate that.

Goldman rushes through several justifications in his head, forming a rapidly coherent argument as to why he should do it, carefully keeping ‘if you don’t want to see her with someone else, suck it up’ and ‘please, please, watching you sulk is really sad I can’t do it’ off the list. 

Surely, Victor wouldn’t let the sexy professor sweep you off your feet? He’s heard the man talk, that kind of smooth talk should not be allowed and holy hell, Jason has played this really well. 

“They do get along well, so it should work,” Jason muses, slathering a little more icing on his three-tier cake of clear-cut manipulation, drama, and subterfuge.

“I’ll do it.” It’s said through a tightened jaw, but it rings clear in the silence of the room. Goldman abandons his mental speech, head whipping around to stare at Victor.

“Oh?” Jason sounds genuinely surprised, as if he hadn’t been aiming for this from the start. 

“Yes,” comes the answer, leaving no room for argument. 

“Are you sure?” Jason asks, oddly somber, finally abandoning the pretense. So he is in possession of some morals, who would have thought?

“Give me the briefing,” Victor says, shoulders set in a firm, determined line Goldman is all too familiar with. 

Jason relaxes into his seat, relief clear in his face. 

And as Victor turns to him, giving him specific instructions about his outfit, cologne and flowers, determined to do this right with that familiar, besotted spark in his eye, Goldman feels warm pride trickle in. 

‘We’re gonna get you the girl, boss.’

Aaaaaaand...CUT. 

I know the last behind the scenes thing wasn’t really needed but I had to 

Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it!