#but I feel like I'm never doing enough prep/research to make it like ... actually good? and writing the in between parts just

[velvet-games]

the urge to post shitty, ooc fanfic hyper-specific to my brainworms haunts me daily

[suzukiblu]

Day seven of “obligatory sugar baby Kon” behind the cut. tw: implications of past grooming/abuse and the inherent problems in someone who was in that situation trying to flirt with someone actually age-appropriate. prev: (( chrono || non-chrono ))

“. . . ‘fast’,” Kon echoes awkwardly, glancing down at their hands. Tim tries not to wince. He definitely sounds like an idiot or a prude or–whatever. Just incredibly, incredibly uncool. 

He has actually never felt less like a prude since getting to know Kon well enough to notice things like how good the bastard looks soaked in Kool-Aid, but now is just . . . really not the time for thoughts like those, yeah. 

“I, uh–I’ve never actually, um . . . with anyone, actually. Guy or not,” Tim half-admits, though it feels stupid that being a virgin is something to admit instead of just a statement of fact. Normally it wouldn’t be, is the thing, but he just really doesn’t want Kon to think he sounds lame or antisocial or . . . whatever, exactly. “I actually would literally not even know how to, uh . . . give you ‘tips’ or anything. Unless I had like, the prep time to do some research, I mean. It’s just, uh–I don't date much, to be honest. Or, uh. Pretty much at all? Like, you're definitely more experienced than I am either, uh, either way, like that's just–I don't do much of this stuff. Any of it. I have in fact gone out with exactly two girls in my life and they both were definitely, um–also the ones who were making the moves and all.” 

It's not that he never want to make a move, just usually he's too busy being way too in his own head about it or something else entirely or–

God, he is rambling so much, Tim realizes, repressing a cringe when he realizes how blankly Kon’s currently staring at him. Because it is very, very blankly, that Kon is staring at him. 

Crap. 

“Uh,” Tim says with a grimace. “Sorry. Um. If you were expecting something . . . faster, I mean.” 

Kon should definitely not have anything that fast if he’s thinking of himself as a product, Tim’s basically positive, but also that’s actually not any of his damn business, but also he definitely needs to look into Kon’s dating history just to add a few names to his list for when he finally goes supervillain and just maybe look into–

. . . Kon is still just staring blankly at him. 

Tim fails to repress the cringe this time. 

“Uh,” he attempts again. “Kon? Are you . . .?” 

Kon turns literally crimson and ducks his head, but also doesn’t actually stop staring at him. 

. . . alright then, Tim thinks. 

“I do like you. I like you a lot. Like–I like-like you a lot, if I have somehow managed to not be embarrassingly obvious about that at this point,” he tries, borderline flailing in the conversation now since Kon is apparently no longer willing to use his words and he was already not doing that great with it when Kon was using his words, and he can’t even talk with his hands or anything because he’s holding Kon’s hands like an actual grade schooler, except probably no one ever has held Kon’s hands like–no, no, he is not far enough down the supervillain pipeline to be able to finish that thought process and deal with the psychological consequences of having to not burn down the system about it, he really cannot do that at any point in the next ten to fifteen years whatsoever. “This isn't–I'm just–it's not me not wanting to . . . take some pictures, eventually. Just . . . maybe we could wait a bit on it. Stick with the streets and buildings for a little while longer, maybe?” 

He tries for a smile and also tries not to cringe again over how weak an attempt it feels like, and then has the uneasy and uncomfortable thought that actually doing anything like that isn’t even really–is that ethical, even? Even the idea of doing something like that? Kon doesn’t really know Robin all that well, no, but they’re on the same team and the same side, and they’re teammates and at least arguably friends, and Kon also doesn’t know he is Robin, and– 

“Um,” Kon says, his hands tightening just a bit around Tim’s and his face still blazingly and borderline inhumanly red as his head ducks a little lower and his mouth curves into what is, in fact, the most unfairly soft smile that Tim has ever seen on the bastard’s face. “We could do that, yeah.” 

Tim was thinking about something, probably? Which hopefully wasn’t something important, considering just how ruthlessly Kon just fried his brain out of his head. Which is not even reasonable or logical, because all Kon did was . . . well, imply he was fine taking things at Tim’s pace and not actually going to get immediately bored if he didn’t put out and was actually interested in just being together, and also did it while smiling at him like that. 

Alright, fine, Tim knows exactly why his stupid brain got itself fried. He’s still apparently embarrassingly easy, though. 

Well, that’s not exactly new information in regards to Kon anyway. 

[glittergutts]

I did not buy enough gluten-free foods this week, so I'm going to try again next week. I'm planning more dinners but still making sure I got some GF snacks so I don't die. I'm going to get some falafel to prep for lunches, and I'm going to home make taziki to dip them in. Because I always eat processed snacks instead of a balanced lunch. I'm trying to figure out what exactly balanced means and how to achieve that. I've got some more research to do.

I've been bad about eating whole fruits and especially vegetables lately, so I'm collecting the stickers off of produce I've eaten, and I'm going to do something with them when I have enough. I feel like creating a visual will help me be more conscious of what I'm eating. And eating more fresh stuff = less hunger for garbage.

I don't eat a high calorie diet at all. I added my calories yesterday after not really watching what I ate, and I ate 1400 ish and had food at a restaurant too, so that's on the high end for a typical day. I've always eaten like this and still somehow got fat. I think it's what I'm eating, not exactly how much. And I just want to say 1400 calories is absolutely enough or even a little much for my 4 foot 9 body, so I'm not going hungry it's just less than an average person.

I'm going to actually start calorie counting, though, unless it proves bad for my mental health because I think obsessing over it will make me feel crazy and bad about food. I had a really weird relationship with food my whole life and only recently it's gotten better so I don't want to fuck that up. I guess I'll start that next week when I have bought enough GF stuff to survive a little while.

I'm really hoping to get in a good whole body workout today, along with some cardio. I think if I don't push myself to work out more often for longer bits of time, it's never going to help me lose weight. My husband said he could see in a change in me, but I don't see it yet. I do feel a slight difference, though. Like in how things have gotten easier, and it's taking longer to get my heart really pumping because I can tolerate a long walk/jog without getting out of breath anymore, and that's cool.

Walking distance and hills has gotten easier since bringing loki home where I'm out walking with him every day. I can even make it up my steep ass drive way without feeling overworked now.

I just want to see a change, too.. I want to wear cute clothes and actually like, or at least not hate, the way my stomach looks again.

Oh well I guess there's still a lot of work to put in before things can noticeably improve.

[invincible-selfxmade-punk]

24 working days until the last day of school. It cannot come too soon.

Some kid stuck a mousetrap in my file cabinet today.

That wasn't even enough to get the principal or assistant principal to come down and check it out. No one ever followed up to allow me to file charges on the kid that was trying to asphyxiate us all by spraying aerosol in a closed classroom over and over again.

I asked the principal to get him out of my class and I was ignored.

My co-teacher is candidate for a PhD and yet she teaches 5th grade.

Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall.

I have taught there for 5 years I know the type of kids that we have and I know how their parents are.

She comes from a prep school where they never get discipline problems because those type of kids aren't allowed to attend.

I like to do my own lessons, I like to do the research myself and usually when I am under pressure to get them done, I come up with my most creative ideas.

She doesn't create anything on her own.

She buys it all in advance from Teachers Pay Teachers.

The previous principal I had for 5 years drilled into our heads that Teachers Pay Teachers was for stupid and lazy people. We were absolutely forbidden from ever using lessons from there.

So I learned to make my own which I was very good at. But I haven't been able to use any of my lessons this year because I am having to be in lockstep with the other teacher and she only uses TPT.

I have been condescended to until I am condescended into submission.

Everything I have suggested has been ignored.

Even though most of what I have suggested is what the curriculum director has asked for.

Somehow I ended up with an extra free period. And instead of actually giving me time to do anything I was told I needed to "go learn how to be a teacher from her." What I saw was her giving High School level notes to barely literate 4th graders some of which did not even know English. No visuals, no photos, no videos, no music, no movement, just 45 minutes of copying notes.

This goes against every single professional development I have ever had in the last 8 years.

But she is candidate for a PhD and the best friend of the principal so nothing is done.

Add to this teaching the covid generation and I honestly think I would probably have better luck teaching felons in prison. I definitely would have felt safer.

Add to this Greg Abbott cracking down on what we can and cannot teach. As it is now they are telling us absolutely do not teach anything extra other than what we are telling you to teach. If it says Identify Martin Luther King's accomplishments then don't go into him being assassinated just talk about what he did. This constrains me even more but I am hoping that if I am alone and unobserved in my room with the door shut I can impart any extra knowledge I feel like I need to without being harassed.

However who knows how long that is going to last. I do know I have already been threatened with being thrown in jail if I teach something that has been pulled out of the curriculum.

So at some point I am going in for my final teaching evaluation of the year.

And I don't know what I'm going to do. If I were to share what my true feelings are I would probably be fired. But at the same time I don't know how much longer I can swallow my ego and let them run right over me for the sake of having a job.

If I wasn't so old and broke down I would tell them to all go f themselves and just leave. But I can't do that because there are very few jobs that I can do at this point in my life and living where I am I'm even more limited. But the Mousetrap thing.... that did not make me happy at all.

This year has it been even worse than covid and I didn't think anything could be worse than that.

And I got in trouble because my lesson plans did not match my co-teachers and I will admit I did miss one of the standards was which was the wrong number. But little nitpicky things like I had put all day long there was going to be a STAAR test next Tuesday and in each of the seven or eight blocks we have to fill out I simply put STAAR test because if we leave one of them blank we get in trouble. Well she only put STAAR test in four of her blanks and in the others she put N/A.

So I got in trouble because I did not put N/A in the same length she did. I really wanted to be extra and say if she misspelled a word am I going to have to go back and misspell the same word so that will match?

[cyanomys]

Being a DM with OCD sucks >:(

I wanna vent a little bit about how my stupid brain makes my hobby (running D&D and ttrpgs) suck

If I want to run a game in an established setting, I feel like I need to know EVERYTHING about the setting before I am "qualified" to run a game in it. I feel like I have to read every single thing that has been written/made about it and remember it all, which is impossible and never-ending.

Even if I'm not running a game in a certain setting but instead in a certain genre, I feel like I must consume enough media in that genre to be "qualified", which is, again impossible because the goal posts for how much is enough always move further and further away

Even if somehow don't have those problems, then I feel like I need to know the RULES inside and out and there is never an end to where I feel like I have studied the rulebook enough

Even if I did somehow meet all those criteria, I have a really bad memory (well actually, I remember stuff, but it's more like I have really bad recall.) So even if I do ALL the research I can't actually remember any of it anyway and feel like I'm never going to be "qualified" to do it right regardless

If I decide to make my own setting or pursue a unique genre, I once again find myself on a neverending treadmill of needing to fractally add infinite detail to every single thing -- IN EQUAL AMOUNTS. So if I write 3 paragraphs on one thing of a kind (a certain nation for example) I have to write exactly 3 paragraphs on every other one. Then if I get creative and write 5 paragraphs for one, in my pursuit of making them all equal I have to GO BACK and make them ALL 5 paragraphs. This also happens when I prep.

I struggle with not seeing the trees for the forest. That is to say, I often take a really top-down, zoomed-out view of things which leads to me getting really overwhelmed because I'm unable to figure out how to make the small scale stuff (where play actually happens) meet up with and make sense with all the big scale stuff. And when I get overwhelmed I shut down completely.

On top of all this horrible OCD shit going on in my head, I have ADHD. So I can want to prep really bad and then be unable to sit down and do it, or unable to focus on what I'm reading. Or worse, if I have an idea I'm really excited about, because of the emotional disregulation I will get so excited about the idea THAT I CAN'T PREP. Like I will literally be too physically excited and have to go do zoomies and can't write down my ideas (which I will then, FORGET. In the process of being excited)

And then on top of THAT there's the normal social pressure to do a good job. Which is often the straw that breaks the camel's back yknow. And also tends to feed right into my moral OCD. "I'm letting my friends down" -> "I'm a bad friend" -> "I'm bad I'm bad I'm bad I'm bad I'm-"

Like obviously I know all of this is irrational but that doesn't really help :[

Anyway OCD sucks. 0 stars. Do not recommend. Honestly it's a miracle I ever run games at all. 😭 Doing my hobby, WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO ENJOY, requires actively fighting against some of my worst compulsions (completeness, perfectionism, and scrupulosity.)

I had a therapist once say "well if it causes you so much pain why do it" and I was like clearly you haven't been listening because I can make almost anything painful lmao. Actually the fact that I care about it is the REASON my mental health issues interfere so bad. It makes me want to control it more and make it perfect. So no matter what I do really, my mental health interferes. Might as well try to do the thing I like, even if I mostly fail :(

[diabolik-boys]

How the s boys react when a new sacrificial bride appeared but she is exatly like Beatrix and act just like her

TW: DEATH, PTSD, TRAUMA

===== SACRIFICIAL BRIDE ACTING LIKE BEATRIX SCENARIO =====

===== SACRIFICIAL BRIDE ACTING LIKE BEATRIX: SAKAMAKI =====

=============== Shu Sakamaki ===============

"This is unnerving. No, I am not going to interact with you. Even if you do not look like my mother, you behave too much like her. And that alone makes me very uncomfortable. I'm not even going to take any blood from you." Shu shivers.

Shu would not interact with this bride, probably at all. He might even take it far enough to avoid them.

He already knows this bride won't last very long with Reiji being present.

Wouldn't bother himself with even trying to worry about if the bride has his mother's heart or whatever. She won't last long.

=============== Reiji Sakamaki ===============

"Well, well. If my father is behind this, I am not afraid to just kill you once again! You wretched woman... Do you have her heart or something!? I made sure to burn you into ashes! I am not afraid to do so again!"

Reiji would already be plotting the death of the bride.

He will be dead set on finding out just why they remind him so much of his mother. He would do a thorough research on it, asking his father if it's one of his plans, or simply merely coincidence.

Regardless, she won't last very long and kill her. He wouldn't be able to stand this bride even being alive for any chance of him being reminded of his mother.

His mental health would have a major set-back.

=============== Ayato Sakamaki ===============

"No, thank you! I've had enough of my own mother coming back again and again, I don't need you too! Good luck not gettin' killed by Reiji, you crazy woman--"

Ayato might interact with the bride for blood, but that's all.

He won't be interested in hunting them or really interacting with them very much at all. It just would make him feel strange.

He would figure that Beatrix did some sort of deal to get her heart put into one of the brides, just like Cordelia. Or it would be one of his father's many plans, all stupid in his eyes.

=============== Kanato Sakamaki ===============

"Hm. I'm sure Reiji is planning your death again. Even if you aren't her, he's still going to see you as one of the banes of his existence, compared with Shu..."

Much like Ayato, Kanato might use the bride for blood, but that's all. He'd be a little disturbed by her, and that's saying something.

Kanato would be irritated with her being around, much like any other bride. But he would hate her even more because she'd make Reiji act different and thus treat him different.

He would just want her gone so that there wouldn't be anymore issues.

=============== Laito Sakamaki ===============

"Hm~... Is Reiji stalking you, prepping for his kill yet~? You might want to run while you have the chance..."

Much like his other two triplets, Laito might use the bride for blood, but probably actually wouldn't mess with her, with his usual antics.

He'd be a bit uncomfortable with Reiji being as messed up as he is whenever she is alive and around. He would just want things to get back to normal.

Laito would find the situation amusing, however, and would want to know why this bride acts so much like Beatrix, himself. He'd suspect his father being the cause.

=============== Subaru Sakamaki ===============

"I'm not interested in the dead... Ya' might want t' run if yer smart..."

Subaru probably wouldn't even go to this bride for blood. He'd just want her to go away and not be around anymore.

Seeing Reiji so upset would make Subaru feel uneasy and weird. Reiji is never as upset as he is whenever he's dealing with his mother or Shu. He'd want Reiji to feel better again.

He wouldn't be surprised of the bride's death. And he didn't have to get his hands dirty, so he has no qualms about it.

[dourpeep]

WAIT. I'm losing my mind over that friends to lovers post you reblogged. All I can think about is college Albedo + mutual pining, romantic tension, and friends to lovers OTL

- Leaving little post it notes in his bag or inside the cover of his textbook to tell him to have a nice day or remind him to take care of himself because you know he has a tendency to work too hard sometimes!! And what if he meets up with Sucrose and Timaeus because they like to catch up and sometimes discuss their research or homework, and they see Albedo hiding a grin behind his books and think that he's solved a particularly difficult problem but it's just a cute little note you slipped him when he wasn't looking

- You stay up studying for exams with Albedo and he dozes off on your shoulder so you sit there afraid to move because you don't want to wake him but you're also dying inside

- The two of you go to the library to work but eventually get distracted so it turns into the two you sitting close together on a couch and reading each other sections from your favourite books

- I can also see him as someone who rambles about labs or new research he's absolutely taken by. Weeks later when you mention something he said before, he's a little surprised but you just tell him that you tried your best to understand everything because you know it's important to him and maybe his heart skipped a little

- Going off your headcanons: Albedo looking for little specimens and deciding it could be a fun outing with Klee so she can get some sunshine and you find the two of them in the park. You end up joining them and Albedo's heart softens seeing you and Klee laughing and smiling together!

- I remember this little headcanon you had where he snorts when laughing sometimes and imagine Albedo letting one slip out while he's with you, and Kaeya teasing him later on.

- Eventually, his friends start asking if the two of you are together because of the silent affection and teasing between the two of you. Albedo knows he likes you but he's scared a relationship will ruin everything and you're too important to lose even if it means he never says anything, but little did he know, you have feelings for him too.

Anyway, I hope you have a nice day and week! Sorry about this monster of an ask lmao

NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR ALBEDO

NEVER

Like... there are two characters that I seldom, if ever, turn down and that's my beloved Albedo and beloathed Scaramouche- If you don't want me to shut up about a topic??? Like just utter word vomit???? Bring them up. Bring them up, I dare you--

Okay okay okay okay now lemme just--

oops. 1.4k words. Enjoy your headcanon drabbles, courtesy of me being a hard simp for Albedo--

College au Albedo is pretty close to how he normally is! Brilliant, though having difficulties with making friends and keeping said friends, getting carried away with experiments (did you know if you're on good enough terms with the professors, they'll vouch for you so you can use the lab when there aren't classes using them?? Yeah)...so the friendship that you have with him is certainly the closest one he has.

It'd be the kind where you knock on his dorm or apartment door at 11:45pm with some takeout and your textbooks and he'll let you in without a second thought. You slip inside and settle on the floor next to the coffee table cross-legged, setting the food out as if you don't live a good walk away. He wasn't going to sleep any time soon anyway.

Like the kind of friendship where your hand instinctively slips into his to tug him towards something cool you found or to the café where you tend to go after classes.

Even after you get to your destination, you don't let go.

Now that that has been established--the little notes you slip into his bag or on his books really began as a little reminder. Despite his keen intellect, Albedo tends to easily forget things because his mind is always going onto the next thing. So, being the great friend you are, would just slip a note to remind him to take breaks, eat a snack, or that you're supposed to go and meet Sucrose and Timaeus after class to prep for the upcoming exams.

Neither of you really know when they began to turn into doodles or 'seemingly platonic declarations of adoration'. It's normal for friends to write a heart besides "Don't forget I love you!", right? Yeah.

The smile that makes it's way on Albedo's face is unmistakable the moment that Sucrose accidentally stumbles upon a sticky note carefully tucked in one of his notebooks.

-

Speaking of Albedo and his tendencies to get carried away with stuff, he often functions on...minimal sleep.

Those nights that you pop up at his place to study or just hang out, he often ends up dozing off, glasses sliding uncomfortably down the bridge of his nose and hair tousled out of it's usual style.

You never plan to stay the night (though even when he's awake he insists you do because it's not as safe at night to make the commute home), but you can't just disturb his sleep when it's the first time in a while that he's probably gone without taking a capsule or two of melatonin to help himself back into some semblance of a sleep schedule.

It's these moments that you remember just how soft his hair is and just how nice his shampoo smells.

Also that he's a cuddler.

You awake in the morning, back aching and eyes squinting against the sudden brightness of the world around you and limbs tangled with your best friend. He's unbothered because his face is half-shoved against the crook of your neck.

-

With the library, you often find yourselves in a little game. There's so much to learn and so, so many topics through the old vanilla-scent found between pages!!

So trips to the library end up with the two of you digging and sifting to find a topic you've never heard of, sit and read for 15 minutes, then proceed to explain said topic the best you can (without looking!!). It almost always ends up with a few chuckles from Albedo as you fumble explaining (and half-making up) information and Albedo's (unfairly) great short-term memory winning out.

Speaking of...between actually studying and your little topic games, Albedo turns to you to bounce off his current observations and ideas. Sucrose and Timaeus, though both in similar majors as Albedo, are busy with their own projects and research to the point that they don't really have the time to help with stuff as extensive as his research.

Annnnd, naturally, since you don't have anything better to do and are almost always by his side, you play that part!

You listen intently no matter how dense the subject may be and no matter if you do or do not have the background knowledge.

When you ask him to explain something you don't quite understand, he can't help but blink in surprise because you were listening??? And wanted to really understand? You prove time and time again (even days, weeks later) that you listened to every word that tumbled out during his rambles.

And of course you do! Albedo's one of the most important people to you, so it's only natural that you want to show interest in his interests.

Also it's pretty cool to find out those random bits of trivia (like lobsters and their repairable telomeres-).

--

Klee!!!

Oh man, the first time that you met Klee was a pretty hectic day for Albedo. Due to his Aunt Alice's incredibly busy schedule, he tends to care for Klee on days that he doesn't have class.

However, that particular day he just barely finished class before he had to go and pick her up from school.

With you in tow, that is.

Immediately, the little girl brightens up at your presence, no doubt excited from what she's heard about you (listening in to Albedo's conversations with Alice and the embarrassed tone in his voice when he realizes that he's let your name slipped again and now Aunt Alice wants to know about this particular friend who's captured dear little Bedo's attentions). He's relieved when Klee doesn't immediately reveal that.

From then on, Klee insists that Albedo invites you for every outing they have.

The cafe for a quick treat? The bookstore to sit and read a few books?

"Oh, please please please?? Can they come Albedo? Klee promises that she'll be good!"

Who is he to say no?

But above all, those park days are his favorite. You end up running around with Klee, lifting her up so she can reach a particular leaf on a branch, squatting down to see a bug or lizard that she's entirely enthralled by--all while Albedo sits under the shade of a tree on a blanket, sketchbook and pencil in hand.

You don't know it (even though there's many occasions where he's shown you his sketchbook), but the pages are filled with your smile.

-

Around you, Albedo's found that he's most comfortable.

There's no need to hide insecurities or hold his tongue when something particularly exciting comes to mind...nor does he hold back in his laughter. Especially with your insistence that his laugh is cute.

That scenario with Kaeya is entirely an accident, proof of just how used to your presence he's become.

It's a late night and you're out with a bigger group of friends than usual, some friends that Albedo's only known since the start of college, but definitely good ones.

With a drink in your hand you all sit at a large table, chatting about anything and everything when you crack a joke and Albedo snorts.

Not like a snort with his normally quiet chuckle, either.

Instead, he's laughing hard, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes and stomach hurting (and maybe it's because of the few sips of drink he's had) and he snorts. The moment the sound escapes him and he's trying hard to calm back down, Kaeya grins.

He's most definitely one of the first people to put two and two together.

After all, Albedo keeps to himself, even around them. But with you around? There's a certain spark of life that ignites.

-

It's no surprise that the two of you are close when all is said and done.

But that doesn't stop either of you from choking and cheeks from flushing when someone asks if you're a couple. It happens often--too often to count--and ranges between Kaeya's teasing comments and a few sweet words from an elderly woman passing by your table at the cafe.

And you laugh--you and Albedo--because no, no, you're just friends.

Right?

Then the light hits your features just right, illuminating you in a soft glow that makes your eyes shine and--

It's undeniable the way that he feels for you. The sudden quickening of his heartbeat is proof enough. You slide your drink towards him for him to try and he does the same, eyes unable to leave your lips as you take a sip and then smile.

Between the cracks of his appreciation, of this warmth, dread seeps.

Though...that was just over a week ago.

Sitting down back at his apartment, your head resting on his chest and your hands intertwined while you watch whatever's on tv, you shift. Your lips meet in a sweet kiss.

And Albedo wonders how neither of you managed to see it sooner.

[sweetsoundsofignorance]

For the writing asks! 4, 17, 24 and 26 🖤

i'm going to limit most answers to fic.

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

It’s a word you often use, scuttle, but not feral in a bad way. Somehow the word evokes something predatory in me, like the need to pounce.

Also, apoplectic.

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

I guess I’ll talk about the one I’m currently posting? Only good things happen here started as a joke between you and me while we were slogging our way through the drivel that was season five of Riverdale.

Betty seemed very (sexually) repressed and always looked like she was itching to do violence, but the writers NEVER LET HER. They put a chainsaw in her hands, and then blue-balled us. Only good things happen here begins during the key party (they couldn’t have made it more boring, I agree), so at the time, Betty was only in a friend with benefits type situation with Archie (if I remember correctly?), but she still seemed pent-up, and she clearly hadn’t processed (good luck doing that with Archie) what happened with TBK (trash-bag-killer… god, grant me the serenity…). From where I was sitting, Betty seemed on the threshold of a psychotic break for the entirety of season five, so B was due.

And Jughead was such a sad and pathetic little meow meow who is also probably going through a dry spell (which I’ve seen is one current running theory in fandom, lol). I theorize that may be because he idealizes his relationship with Tabitha and/or he has severe sexual hang-ups from his toxic and hateful relationship with Jessica as well as his breakup with Betty, where she cheated on him with his best friend. I mean, that entire hallucinogen in the bunker suggested he is dealing with some larger issues sexually, in my opinion, especially since in his fantasy, it was high school Betty (still weird) and they talked about forgiveness. Also, he’s an alcoholic, and we all know how that can affect one’s sex drive, and he’s dealing with writer’s block, which is a blow to his ego. Idk, Jughead appeared to have lost his entire sense of self-agency in season five.

Anyway, clearly it seemed like these two were headed toward an explosion (I realize the irony of that now; in this story, it is not a literal explosion...)

Riverdale likes to pussy-foot around its darkness, and I’m predisposed to just pushing characters off the deep-end, so this story is one possible trajectory for season five that you were kind (crazy 🖤) enough to encourage me to write. I know it is a fucked-up way for both Betty and Jughead to process their trauma, sure, but I felt placing Jughead in a pit, and Betty by proxy, would create this sense of inescapable claustrophobia where they would have to confront and reconcile with the worst parts of themselves. There will be a ton of self-reflection, a lot of nastiness and resentment and trading barbs between the two, which will end with an explosion but also (hopefully) some cathartic self-actualization. This all feels very serious, but it is also supposed to be darkly humorous because it’s sassy little bitch Jughead up against a sadistic and psychotic Betty.

Crap, did I give it all away? I mean, I hope it was obvious based on the premise and the first chapter?

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

If you mean research, shit all. I often forgo prep work because most of my stories don’t require it. If it’s a period piece, I rarely go back farther than the 80s, so it’s pretty easy to pull enough period-perfect details because I’m more comfortable with those decades, especially pop-culture wise.

The only story that's required a lot of footwork is the cult fic, and that’s why it’s taking soooooo long because it necessitates more research, but it’s important to me that I get it right, the psychology, the methods of indoctrination, the process of deprogramming. This looks like a lot of reading (memoirs, fiction, philosophy, nonfiction) and documentaries. I’m dipping into books on the occult and pagan Christianity to develop the cult’s mythologies. I enjoy it because who doesn’t love learning new things, but I also just really want to get on with it orz.

26. How do you get into your character’s head? How do you get out? Do you ever regret going in there in the first place?

I don’t know? I just sit with it. Music helps a lot. I’ll start with an action, whatever plot point, usually initiated by an antagonist, and then I imagine what emotion that might invoke in whatever character, the potential succession of emotions and predict the reactions and downstream consequences and how it snowballs from there. I never write it down, though, which I think counts as a demerit in my organization column, but it sort of looks like a flowchart in my head. I stew with the character in question, whatever traits I’ve given them, usually piecemeal aspects from canon, whichever ones I’ve chosen to amplify, and that helps dictate the flow of emotions and reactions, hence flowchart.

I struggle to get out. It’s why my stories often get away from me. You know how tumbleweeds eventually end up joining with other tumbleweeds and creating this gigantic tumbleweed that then piles up against an obstacle? But the tumbleweeds don’t stop, and they just keep piling on top of each other. You’ll see heaps of them accumulated against fences in empty lots. Idk, that’s the mental image I get, just a pile of tumbleweeds, and those fuckers are thorny, so sometimes there is much regret, me climbing over tumbleweeds to scale the obstacle, which is of course the exit out of the story.

I’ve explored some very dark topics in the devil’s daughter, delved into some psychologies that are immensely painful. It’s why sometimes I have to step away from it, if it starts infecting my day-to-day. It’s also why I struggle to respond to comments, especially right now, because just thinking about the ending makes me start ugly sobbing.

Thank you for asking 🖤🖤🖤 (remember tit for tat 😈)

[curiousconch]

Chase You / Chase Me (Pt. 3)

Part 3: Remember when everything was different

Catch up here: Series Masterlist

Chapter Summary: Aislinn, Gigi and Alex find friendship in the midst of the competition. One discussion led to another, pushing Alex to take a trip down memory lane, revealing the moment in her past where she and Gabe's paths crossed for the first time.

Book/Pairing: Choices - Laws of Attraction / Gabe Ricci x MC (Alex Keating)

Words: 1.7k+

Rating/Warnings: Mature (16+) / alcohol consumption, language. Scenes/themes may trigger trauma for some, reader discretion advised.

Disclaimer: Most of the characters as well as some dialogue belong to Pixelberry. I am merely borrowing them.

Sunday, downtown New York

"Wait, can you back up for a moment," Aislinn said across Alex, who was scooping the remains of her melted banana split. Gigi was sipping her ice-cold mimosa, their brunch table full of plates with scrapes of leftovers. The sun was out and so were they, dining al fresco under the shade of a huge white parasol and the gentle breeze cooling them every now and then. It was a perfect day so far.

The trio has agreed to meet up that Sunday to discuss what went down with the Rothswell case as well as to prep for the conference Sadie had invited them to. They were on some kind of a peace pact, all of them sharing the view that pitting women against women in the corporate world is just shitty business.

Alex has enjoyed their company. They exchanged imaginary one-liners that would have made Martin frown his heart out or Beau McGraw chortle his head off. And speaking of McGraw, they all concluded that the best strategic course of action was to let Beau enjoy his moment in the sun. One day, Alex would make sure to remind him that he tried to rain on her parade.

It was a refreshing and enlightening discussion, though she will forever be traumatized with how many swears Gigi can cram in a single sentence. But the sight of a flustered Aislinn while Alex and Gigi engaged in a battle of pick-up lines with their waiter was a strong second contender.

As their drinks flowed, the conversation naturally led to rhetorical questions, now settling at why they became a lawyer. Aislinn shared first, surprisingly, stating that her knack for analysis was just a natural fit to the demands of a career in law. Gigi's answer was simple - she can leverage her eidetic memory to earn herself some serious dough, allowing her to live it up and take impromptu vacations to Bali.

Alex tried to dodge the question. She had never needed to discuss her reason of leaving pre-med behind to attend law school. It wasn't a pleasant memory, and she doubted it will ever be.

The two ladies were quick to see her attempts of evasion. But together, they finally wore her down, Alex left laughing with their shenanigans as they cornered her to tell her story. So she told them that she knew Gabe Ricci. And that it was because of him why she was a lawyer. Alex decided that revealing the truth was worth it, seeing how their jaws just dropped to the floor.

"Girl, you have to explain yourself right now," Gigi demanded, to which Aislinn seconded.

Alex snorted as she went back to skimming what was left of her dessert. "It's a boring sob story, and I don't want to turn this lovely morning into a snooze fest."

"We're not going anywhere, right Gi?" Aislinn turned to Gigi beside her, who nodded whilst sipping another glass of cocktail.

"Fine, but only if you swear this won't leave this table," she said. The two held up their hands invoking a half-smiling Alex, sensing nothing but sincerity. So she drank down her glass of bloody mary and took a deep breath, composing her tale.

"Buckle up, ladies, you're in for a ride."

**

10 years ago, in a town near Boston

Alessandra Keating had never felt more alone than she did that day.

They said she needed to just move forward. But how can she, when every day since the crash, she felt nothing but emptiness? How can she feel alright, when the only life that she knew was suddenly taken away from her?

It wasn't long before she found out that the car accident was caused by someone being reckless, by someone who thought they were above the law. Then, she imploded. No way could she let her parent's deaths be forgotten. No fucking way.

For the past three years, she invested all of herself into this endeavor. Researching, studying, choosing the right counsel, even raising funds. It was what kept her breathing, what gave her purpose. Ultimately, it was what kept her sane.

From filing the lawsuit to attending mediations, to numerous settlement meetings and colliding with every legal roadblock possible - Alex made sure to see them through. Only for everything to be decided that day - the bench trial.

One sweltering summer morning in her hometown's courthouse, Alex sat on the side of the plaintiff, with her long brunette hair tangled in waves. She let her senses wander, taking in the dark wooden panels and pews, her sense of smell invaded by the scent of old mahogany. She sealed her lips into silence, hiding her nerves by straightening the bargain khaki suit that she borrowed.

She barely held it in as her eyes travelled to the table beside them, catching a glimpse of the man that caused her immeasurable pain. With jet black hair and looking as young as her, he sat with an almost mocking expression. He was wearing a crisper set of suit, creating an illusion of trustworthiness that Alex can easily see through.

Maximilian K. Cornell. The green-eyed teenager who swerved his sports car onto the same slippery road Alex and her parents were passing through. The very same boy who got out unharmed, but left Alex's family to die in the snow. Her opponent was a slithery snake who managed to screw the justice system so many times over, just because his parents had the grease to do so.

But after the crash, the town decided they can no longer turn the other cheek. Alex's decision to sue was propelled by the support of the countless friends and families whom her parents have helped in their hour of need. But that still proved not enough.

Her mind whirled back to the proceedings, and to how every strategy, every plan of attack was being thrown out. With every whip from the defense, she started to grow impatient. As another traffic expert from her camp was dismissed, Alex just snapped inside. She leaned to Mr. Leroy, a withering man on the brink of retirement who was her lawyer, asking for them to convene outside.

"I'm sorry Mr. Leroy, but your strategies were just scrutinized and torn into pieces," Alex said in a low voice the moment they stepped out into the hallway.

"Alex, I am doing my best here. We clearly don't have the upper hand, lacking the incriminating evidence that we need," the man replied, exasperated.

"Have we dug up his previous records? I mean, why on earth would he have a sealed history? Doesn't that mean something?" she continued.

She continued to dictate her litany of better-positioned moves, but even Alex knew she wasn't getting through. So she excused herself from the conversation, hoping a cup of iced coffee will somehow mitigate her frustrations.

As soon as she came back, she found Mr. Leroy convening with a much younger man in a dark navy suit. His aura screamed "big city hotshot", albeit the exhausted look in his brown eyes. Not wanting to interrupt, she held off from approaching. However, her curiosity didn't stop her from eavesdropping.

What she heard the charismatic man say was a legal precedent that would have opened the sealed records in question. And with all the mind-boggling legal jargon, that's just about what she understood.

"Gabriel Ricci? I'm looking for an attorney named Gabriel Ricci?" a female voice from a nearby window called out, which made the young man raise his head. She saw him end the conversation abruptly, where a flustered Mr. Leroy hastily thanked him. Alex took that as her queue to approach her lawyer.

"Alex, we might be able to turn things around," she heard Leroy say.

And by some miracle, things did turn around. With her lawyer using the precedent offered by the young attorney earlier, their side gained the needed momentum to tip the scales in their favor. By the end of the trial, the verdict was out - Cornell will never be able to drive another vehicle, along with paying her a hefty amount of damages and fees.

They won.

Alex had to pinch herself before the victory sunk in. When it did, she felt an immense burden lifted from her shoulders.

After a long, long time, Alex can finally breathe.

Broken free from her nightmares, she asked herself what's next? The answer came to her almost immediately. Right there and then, she decided what she wanted to be. Like that man from the courthouse, she will become a lawyer.

Fueled by this new sense of mission, she saw a future for herself. No longer held by the past, she finally was able to move forward.

Indeed, Alex became what she set out to do - a lawyer who took on hopeless, even impossible cases and won them. A lawyer her parents would be proud of.

A damn good lawyer, just like Gabriel Ricci.

**

Present Day, at a New York Penthouse

Gabe sat in his home office clad in nothing but his white bath robe, holding a worn manila folder.

Five years ago, Gabe saw this case as his opportunity to make Robbie proud. The defendant had all the parallels with his brother - a teenager, incarcerated young, where the punishment had presumed to be too harsh. He now knew it was rightfully just.

But at that time, he was blinded by passion and ambition. He wanted to prove to himself and to Sadie what he can do. Taking on this case that was practically unwinnable would give him more power, more control over the pro bono cases he wanted to take. Actually winning this though, that proved to be his fatal mistake.

Your cockiness got the better of you again, Ricci.

His mind went to Alex. That was the direction his every waking moment drifted to nowadays. Whether he liked it or not, he'd answer some other day.

He had to let her know. If he didn't, Alex would eventually find out herself. Once she discovers that he was the one who had set this man free, she would hate him.

Gabe can't bring himself to think of that happening, of losing that chance with her, or of losing Alex's trust.

Hell, I'm going to lose her entirely if she finds out.

These realizations devastated him.

But how can they both escape the looming shadows of the past unscathed? Even he couldn't figure that out.

Sighing, he rubbed his hand on his face, reeling at his lack of options. He then stood up, slamming the open folder on his desk as he turned to face the window, simmering in his own regrets. Papers slipped out to the carpeted floor, including a full-page mugshot of the defendant.

It was Maximilian Cornell.

Author's Notes: With Sadie being shady AF, I feel like we all need some dose of female friendship right? Also, this is my HC why Gabe constantly pulls away from MC, not only because of their working relationship. Did the reveal live up to the cliffhanger? Let me know in the comments! 👇👇👇

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@choicesficwriterscreations

Thank you for your continued reading!

Want to be added or removed to the tag list? No problem - just let me know 😊. Reblogs are also much appreciated! 💕

[butterfly-winx]

I'm not sure if you've already answered this but could u talk about everyone's first experiences with magic?

No I haven’t and I can’t claim I have thought about it long enough to have rock hard hc, but it’s a fun prompt anon, so here we go:

Bloom:

Aside from being protected from the flames of the house burning around her as a baby, Bloom’s first conscious brush with magic was actually using her innate aspect. She has always been a sensitive kid and everybody assumed it was just some form of hyperempathy when she talked about other people’s feelings with high accuracy. But when she categorised people into colours depending on their auras, she meant it. Then as sensitive weird kids be, Bloom was picked on a lot in late primary and middle school and that’s when her temper started to show. Bloom got angry easily and it only riled up the other children more to get her to show a reaction. Before that it was mostly tears, but one memorable occasion Bloom’s control over temperature manifested with her burst of anger and she made everyone and herself develop a sudden high fever. She fainted from it unfortunately and spent the next two years transfixed by all sources of fire and flames eventually circling back on her obsession with fairies and all things magic. The older she got the less she paid attention to the colourful auras until they completely faded from her everyday sight and only cropped up when she herself felt her emotion in a disarray. As Bloom got older, other magic effects started to crop up with higher frequency, like her “magically” avoiding injuries or recovering from them super fast, or never getting burned on hot pots as the Dragonflame started to feel cramped unused in her body. When Stella was being threatened by the goblins and the ogre, Bloom’s fight or flight instincts automatically allowed the Dragonflame an outlet. (She then of course followed Stella down a rabbit hole of an adventure and got a place in Alfea due to her new friend’s quick thinking and forgery)

Stella:

With two proficient magic users as parents Stella was practically hounded over as adults in her life anxiously waited for her to show signs of magic. She went through magic prep courses trying her hardest to please everyone who was so important to her. She wanted to be magic so bad, always afraid of that infinitesimal chance that she didn’t get all the right genes from her parents. At age seven she was kind of a late bloomer for fully magic children to yet show any sign of magic sensitivity, and she spent another short holiday with her mother’s family up north. it was Stella’s favourite pastime to wander as close to the edge of the estate as she dared to alone in the constant twilight of the Solarian pole. Her favourite spot was a little cropping of shrubs populated by lighting bugs that always flocked to her when she came by. The loved collecting the shiny rocks as well that lit up at her touch and create her own little sun filled garden in the back where no one would bother her for hours. In retrospect Stella can tell exactly why she hasn’t come forward with all of these light related oddities, wanting to keep her island of peace to herself, but back then baby Stella really just didn’t clock that this could be related to her magic aspect. Her grandma eventually noticed and eased her into the thought that yes, she was definitely magic. After that the expectations were laid on even thicker instead of getting easier to bear as Stella got instructions at school and from both of her parents after school. Luna was very helpful with first developing Stella’s magic, so Stella actually started off with a stronger focus on her moon based powers. Radius with his control over bright skies was not very useful and Stella soon started feeling guilty over that and took up sun focused spells and fey magic explicitly to please her father. Radius would have loved her no matter what, but Stella’s insecurities were early risers and she felt the need to please others, so she was more than happy to follow his footsteps and enrol off planet in Alfea, his alma mater.

Musa:

She was equally under observation, only because she is mixed (human-elven) and it was unclear which type her magic would manifest as. Maylin herself a magic using elf would have loved to teach her daughter all she knew, but there was of course always room for her to chose a human stream, should she take after her human father more. That Musa was magic sensitive was a well known fact ever since she was a baby and was able to produce... quite a cry. Maylin was lovingly warned that her daughter was likely to be a musical type along with a gift of full sound-blocking earbuds. At age six Musa could remember the melodies of over 300 pieces of music of ranging complexity, regularly got birds to sing for her and had impeccable hearing - all in all she showed signs of having a promising future as a magic user. For her to be gifted with skills in music that brought Maylin and HaoBai together was a blessing from the Heavens. Then Maylin died and Musa and her father’s world shattered with her. Grief can have complicated effects on one’s magic, and Musa age 9, appeared with dried up magic meridians like she was a l 90 year old. It took a lot of family counselling and well timed teenage rebellion for her to pick up music and with that magic again. And it was hard work, let her tell you that. Both letting magic inot her and developing a feeling for it and doing it all while hiding from her father, afraid he’d want to ban her music and snap instruments again (it happened once, and HaoBai isn’t proud of how much the pain of loss had consimed him at that moment). At fifteen she finally had enough and decided to go head first for it, insisting her half-orphan “recompensation fund” to be used as tuition at Alfea College for fairies, despite never having received any magic prep education. Through brute force, luck and insane talent Musa aced all entrance examinations and made it despite it all.

Techna:

As childbirth on Zenith is, it was completely up in the air whether Techna would be magic or not.  All the early childhood signs Techna showed for their aspect were at first more or less mis-categorised as autism (which they absolutely have, but them going through technical books detailing the technological systems of ancient civilisations daily wasn’t just that). The first one suspecting they have magic was actually Techna’s elder sister, Electra. Electra five years older than Techna was very into the idea of a baby sister and loved smushing and cuddling Techna, which Techan absolutely hated and kept giving Electra static shocks out of nowhere. Once Electra understood where static came from and identified that there was absolutely nothing charged around Techna when they did that, she became suspicions. The whole family found out when during dinner, Techna announced in the calmest voice possible that they have heard the car talk and it told Techna exactly what was wrong with it setting an end to their parents tense discussion about the car having issues. The car was sent for repairs, confirming what Techna had  said and Techna was taken for a magic sensitivity test having that confirmed. (Baby Techna like: oh yeah I could always hear machines they just usually don’t have anything worthwhile to say). She wasn’t quite five at this point. Magic isn’t as widely practiced on Zenith and it took Techna’s ranerts a while to find a magic prep school for them to attend after school, which ended up being outside the borders of Transjordan actually. The daily drive was very long and exhausting both for teen Techna and the parent of the day who had to drive them, so they started talking about sending Techna to a boarding school once they were old enough. Techha was left to do their own research and they realised they had quite many options, even with just narrowing it down to fey magic that were closer to home than Magics, but they all advertised themselves as “girls’ colleges” and even pre-gender realisation that just irked Techan for an inexplicable reason. They much preferred going to a coed school, so Alfea ended up as their first choice on the application form.

Layla:

In Layla’s case, detecting her magic sensitivity was incredibly difficult, seeing as she grew up practically constantly submerged in water playing with her cousins by the shore. Androsi people naturally have a large lung capacity and are able to dive long. That Layla dried super fast afterwards and never got salt rashes was also brushed under the rug ascribed to good royal hygiene and skin care. When she started being schooled in the castle Layla was colossally bored. She received basic magic training just because, no one actually expected her to be magic since they believed she didn’t show any sensitivity for it, and kind of for shits and giggles Layla took it and ran with it. Layla discovered privately in tidal caves just what a mistake that was able to make the water be kind to her and mold and move just so she could always get out unharmed. She surprised everyone at age eleven when during a banquet the visiting princeling was annoying her just so much, she used her water magic to turn his strictly pomaded hair into a bird’s nest, overshooting and drenching the next three dignitaries around him as well. The party stopped. At first Layla though she was going to get into so much trouble, caught under the strict eyes of her father, but as it turns out, he was overjoyed. Layla was put on a fast track for learning magic and surprised people once again choosing fey magic and being able to transform at the tender age of 13. She was never sent to Alfea, but received the offer from Faragonda after the Darkar incident thinking Layla could easily make it to Enchantix (which she did, this girl is talented).

Flora:

Both of Flora’s parents are untrained magic users, so her being somewhat sensitive at least was also expected. Flora loved sitting to the side watching her father run the potion shop when she wasn’t chasing all her other parental figures and watching what they were doing with curious eyes. She loved it when her aunti Nimali gave her bumps and scrapes a little kiss so she started doing that to all sorts of things including her father’s ingredient plants. He was indulging her harmless kid fantasy, knowing full well that most of his magic plants responded to emotions like they had a soul and was more than surprised when he found these plants not only healed but sprouting wildly whenever Flora gave them a small “get well smooch”. The village talked it all over and Flora was given over to the local magic users to train with and shadow what they were doing. Her interest in potion making however prevailed and by the time she emerged from Nature’s Teaching Path having singlehandedly ran the little children’s colony it was very clear that Flora would need to receive proper training from a proper institution. She was just too good at magic for her family to fail her not being able to offer her more knowledge. Flora wanted magic with frankly for her startling greed and ambition, but she hated the idea of moving away. She could have just gone to Woodland College like most other magic users, but even there the entrance exam examiner was suggesting the school was too small for her. (And Flora kind of felt that - she overthought the whole exam because it was just so simple, she just had to touch the plant, and will the box to float. Her aspect of plant growth might not have given her complete control over the environment, but she was still a lot better than her peers.) The teacher spoke to the Council about the potential of sending Flora off planet and now that had her attention and full investment in doing everything the Council demanded to get her a visa to study in Magics.

Out of the six Layla and Techna were able to transform already before they came to Alfea, Flora and Stella had unstable first attempts (Stella during her own first year that is, not her re-run), while Bloom and Musa were the only ones who fully had to learn it from scratch during their first year.

Stella and Layla pay their tuition from royal funds, Flora is Lynphean Council sponsored and Bloom after the first year paid from Callisto’s royal fund (oops) is on a Magics scholarship for minority cultures as a surviving Dominian. Techna benefits from Transjordan’s education scheme which gives students a basic income, their parents supplement the small remainder, while Musa is 100% self sponsored from aforementioned widower’s trust fund they got after Maylin’s passing.

[theshinsun]

brace urself, this is for the writing meta ask: 2, 6, 7, 14, 17, 19, 20 (if you need a direction for this... I always wanted to hear more about Bring Me Roses), 21, 22, and 24 bc i'm nosy and still very into your craft. thank you buddy!!

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

I'm so excited/terrified to finally start my knb college AU. I've been sitting on this idea for almost two years I'm so ready but at the same time I'm so not ready.

The gist is it's every single self-indulgent, chaotic, projection-ridden idea I've ever wanted for these boys all rolled in a big ball of shenanigans and character growth. It's a beautiful mess and I can't wait to make it happen as soon as ANR is done.

6. What character do you have the most fun writing?

This is gonna come right the fuck out of left field, but I love writing Himuro. I have so much fun writing just... snark, and that boy is the perfect outlet, there's no bottom to that salt mine. I remember getting a similar kick out of writing Tsukishima in the past, I just live for sassy dialogue. It ain't much but it's honest work.

7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

My style is very present, I think (which is funny bc there was a time I never would have considered writing present tense) focusing on what's happening and how it makes the character feel in the moment. I like to write specific, detailed imagery, but I try to keep it short and relevant to the scene, so I can move along and focus on what's important. I wouldn't call it fast-paced, exactly, but it is pretty to-the-point. And I think, based on the feedback I've received, that people who read my fics might agree with that. I've heard that my writing is very personal and character-driven, and I think that might be a byproduct of the time I spent writing in first person. Now I write almost exclusively third person limited, but I still like to get in the character's head and tell the story from their "point of view", I guess. 

14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

It depends almost entirely on how quick I'm able to come up with a pun lol. Sometimes a fic has a title before I've even written the first sentence, sometimes I have to scramble for something, anything in the last few seconds before I publish it. A lot of the time I'll have a working title like "that one really fucked up aokaga oneshot" for pretty much the duration of writing a new fic… and a lot of the time I'll end up using song titles, even though we're past the days of writing songfics. 

17. Do you think readers perceive your work - or you - differently to you? What do you think would surprise your readers about your writing or your motivations?

I think, to a degree, people get different things from my writing than I intended -- which is good! The way a piece of writing can be interpreted completely differently depending on who's reading it is one of the best things about being a writer tbh. I think people might be surprised, though, how different my fics often turn out from how I set out to make them. These days I've usually got a pretty detailed outline for what's going to happen, but even with all the preparation in the world, sometimes a fic will take a sudden detour I didn't expect, or something I wrote before will take on new meaning and change the direction I meant to go in. This definitely happens more with my longer fics, but there are times even with oneshots where I look back at what I set out to write, and what I ended up writing, and they're completely different.

19. Is there something you always find yourself repeating in your writing? (favourite verb, something you describe ‘too often’, trope you can’t get enough of?)

I tend to write a lot of scenes with characters talking while in the car (cars are an intentional motif in ANR, but in something like GWGE there's not actually a lot of narrative purpose to this) I don't know why, maybe because it's a convenient way to have characters talk one-on-one, or maybe it's because I've had a lot of meaningful conversations while riding passenger, couldn't tell you, but it's cropped up more than once in my current fics and will probably feature in some of my upcoming ones (the college AU strikes me as a likely candidate), and I think it's worth taking note of.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

SINCE you mentioned Bring Me Roses, and I never really get to talk about it, pls allow me to go on a lengthy tangent about my most underrated fic of all time. (Like 90% of the reason it's still incomplete almost two years later is because the response when I posted it was so underwhelming, but I still stand by it. Someday I'll finish it, hopefully, if just for myself.) 

I'm so fucking proud of the language in this one. It's not perfect, by any means, but the imagery in my opinion is very strong, and almost every line of dialogue is saying something without really saying it. There are frequent allusions that something happened to Aomine's mother, relatively recently, and that Momoi is worried about him overworking out of grief or guilt, but none of those things are ever actually stated. There's also some pretty heavy implicit flirting between Aomine and Kuroko, even if it's a bit unusual and they're both playing it coy at this stage, the chemistry is there and the interest is mutual. And of course, because it's a florist AU, the flower symbolism… I spent so long researching bouquets, plant husbandry, how to prep and preserve cut flowers, and of course… flower meanings. The main ones that keep getting brought up are dahlias, which have just as many negative connotations as positive ones, including betrayal and instability, but also dignity, creativity and change, and come in a variety of colors shapes and even sizes (Islander or "dinnerplate" dahlias were definitely going to feature in part 2… as well as the connection between them and Aomine's mother). I know a lot of these things might not hit as hard because there's no actual payoff (yet), but still, in terms of "show don't tell" and setting up things to come, I don't think I have a single better example in my fic repertoire, I really went all out with this.

It's a shame I never got to follow through, but I got the impression that there just wasn't a lot of interest, and even if that alone is kind of a dumb reason not to continue, after I worked so hard to pull off what I did, the lack of response really killed my motivation. (I wonder sometimes if it would've been better received if it was an AoKaga fic… actually, I don't need to wonder, I'm sure it would have been, but that's not the story I set out to tell and I'm not going to change it.)

21. What other medium do you think your story would work well as? (film, webcomic, animated series?)

Oh, I'd love to do some of my fics as comics. I even tried it at one point; GWGE was going to be a comic originally, before I decided a multichapter fic would probably be less exhausting (the first couple pages are still floating around in my art tag somewhere, though this was back in high school so the quality is… heh).

22. Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

Yeah… I reread a lot. Usually while I'm working on a new chapter, I'll go over the ones that lead up to it to make sure I don't repeat the same phrases too much and that the continuity lines up, and I'll also admit to going back and just reading my own fics for fun. Sometimes the only one who's written exactly what I want to see is me. 

How I feel about them depends on the fic… some of my older ones are a mix of nostalgia and cringe tbh, but there are some I still genuinely enjoy revisiting from time to time. 

24. Would you say your writing has changed over time?

Oh hell yeah. For… better and worse, honestly. I feel like I've lost some fluidity and confidence in my writing, and it sometimes turns kind of stilted, so I try to overcompensate which results in pretty jarring changes of tone, but at the same time, I've gotten much better with rhythm and syntax, my grammar skills are always improving, and I'm able to incorporate a lot more intentional meaning and subtext without always stating things outright.

[cbk1000]

Hi! I remember that trip you took to Europe all by yourself, and I have to tell you that's one of the most inspiring things I've ever seen. And I honestly mean that. I'm starting college this year and it's been a life long dream of mine to do the same (I live in Europe btw so it's a bit easier for me maybe). . So I wanted to ask, was it scary, how did you talk yourself into going, would you go again, do you have some advice on how to spend as little money as possible etc?

I would actually LOVE to do it again; it was the best vacation I’ve ever taken. 

I actually tried to talk myself OUT of going; I knew it was a bit nuts. I’d never been overseas before (I’d travelled a bit in the States at that point, but the only time I’d been out of the country was a day trip to Canada when I was 14 or so), and to just throw yourself headfirst into overseas travel by doing a solo three month trip is kind of batshit. But I’m kind of batshit, so it suited me.

I did a lot of research by reading blogs and articles written by backpackers who had done what I wanted to do, so I knew it was probably something I would enjoy. I also like doing things by myself, so I knew I probably wouldn’t have any major issues with loneliness, and I’m comfortable chatting up strangers, which is the name of the game when you’re a solo traveler. And I think those are really two of the most important things to consider when you’re backpacking by yourself: put yourself out there. You’ll meet some amazing people and when you do feel that pang of loneliness, you’ll always be able to find a companion to go sightseeing with. At the same time, don’t be afraid to do things by yourself; I did a lot of solo sightseeing, and it was amazing. You don’t have to get a consensus from a group on who wants to do what; no one argues; no one wants to do things their way. You just pick wherever the hell you want to go, and you go. Some of my favourite parts of my trip involved me just rambling alone around some city. I actually found a really amazing little archaeology museum in Croatia that way.

As for keeping costs down, Nomadic Matt  has a lot of really good general tips and also breaks down average costs and accommodations by region. I would definitely take a look through his site; I used it for some of my research. You have a huge advantage as a European; there are tons of budget airlines and bus lines you can take advantage of. Airfare was one of my biggest expenses; a roundtrip ticket from the west coast of the U.S. to Ireland (where I started) isn’t cheap. 

Some hostels will occasionally do free dinners for their guests, so you might want to keep an eye out for that sort of thing (they’ll usually advertise on their website). There was a hostel in Budapest that did a free dinner for the backpackers on Tuesdays and Thursdays, if I remember correctly. They would make traditional Hungarian dishes for us to try, and everyone would sit around a big table and eat and chat. There was also a hostel in Scotland (Inverness, I think?) that did a haggis dinner for the guests. Some of them also have restaurants attached that are decently priced for budget travelers. Mostly, however, I would just look up the nearest grocery store and stock up on a few essentials. I’d usually buy some rolls, maybe a bit of cheese, some stuff for a few days’ worth of breakfast, etc. I usually would get a bunch of greens and some vegetables too so I could make up some cheap, easy salads. The vast majority of hostels will have a kitchen so you can store your food and also have a place to prep it if necessary. It’s worth popping into little cafes sometimes, too. There was one right round the corner from my hostel in Belfast where you could get a huge bowl of oatmeal for £3; it filled me up till lunch when I would snack on whatever I got at the grocery store. I stayed three days and ate there every morning. 

Some countries and cities are just going to be more expensive than others. London was a lot of fun, but it was also fucking hell on the wallet. Once you start getting into eastern Europe, everything starts getting a lot cheaper, so that’s something to keep in mind. The hostel I stayed at in Croatia cost me $10 a night. Also, if you want to see a lot of popular tourist attractions, look into whether or not there’s a city pass; lots of cities have them. Buying a city pass will get you into a bunch of the major attractions at a heavily discounted price. Remember that paying to see certain attractions is worth it, but you can honestly wander across some really amazing stuff just by heading out on foot and getting to know a city in a way that riding a tram or bus will never allow you to become acquainted with it. 

Was it scary?

Yes. You’re striking out, completely alone, for a country full of strangers speaking a language you might not even know. If you’re not a little bit nervous about that, you’re probably a little bit stupid. It’s ok to be scared. Honestly? When I was boarding my flight to Dublin, there was a moment when I didn’t know if I could get on the plane. That was partly because I have a pretty severe phobia of flying; but it was also partly because I stopped and said to myself, what in the holy MOTHERFUCK am I doing?? It was insane. Probably someone was going to rob me and then later I would be murdered and my mother would get to say, “I told you so” over my grave while in hell I cursed and gnashed my teeth at the murderer who enabled my mother to get to be smug about my disastrous failure as a traveler and human being in general. It’s scary; for those few moments before you internally slap yourself as you’re frantically calculating all the things that can go terribly wrong when you step foot outside familiar soil, it’s paralyzing.

It was also, hands-down, one of the most amazing experiences of my life and I don’t regret a second of it. You will be frustrated. Unless you have a far better sense of direction than I do, you will get lost. A lot. (Just keep walking until something looks familiar; you’ll find your way back eventually. And if all else fails, find the nearest shop or tourist booth and make a self-deprecating sad face and pull out your map. A roommate and I once had a Hungarian man who really didn’t even speak English help us try to read a map while we were wandering, completely lost, around Budapest at like one in the morning. People will help you.) Sometimes your card won’t work on a tram ticket machine in the Netherlands because you didn’t know those fuckers only take Dutch bank cards and you don’t have any proper currency on you because you just took a bus in from London and all your money is still in pounds and you’re stranded in the middle of  RANDOM PARKING LOT WHERE THE BUS JUST DROPPED YOU OFF WHICH YOU THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE AN ACTUAL BUS STATION BUT IT’S NOT (thx) AND YOU WILL WONDER HOW THE FUCK ALL AM I GOING TO GET TO AMSTERDAM FROM HERE. Take a deep breath; you will have moments like that. You will figure out how the fuck all you’re going to get to Amsterdam from there (plead your case to a kindly tram driver and they will give you a free ride into the city; it helps if you first make friends with an English/German woman who will also plead your case + point you to the nearest ATM once you reach the city). 

It will make you a better problem solver; you will come away with an immense satisfaction. To rely so completely on yourself, and to succeed, even imperfectly, is so ridiculously gratifying. 

All you need is a little common sense and enough guts to push yourself into actually doing it. I promise you, it’s much easier than it looks.

[luvdsc]

Hihi Cat! I've come to deliver some good news! (This is pretty long huhu ToT)

MY ERB HAS BEEN APPROVED AND I CAN PROCEED TO RECRUIT PARTICIPANTS!! Ahh it's been such a blessing to be able to proceed immediately! I've actually hit my target amount of participants in less than a day (IT'S CRAZY) but I'm gonna collect more responses cuz the more the better! (Would you wanna check the questionnaire out? I can PM you the link!! :3)

Also also I PASSED THAT FINALS! The one I took a day after my vaccination (1st dose) ToT GAHH I'm so happy I won't even ask for more, it's enough :3

I've been writing my thesis during this sem break but it's progressing pretty slowly cuz I've been so drained from last semester and the vaccine itself. Huhu but I've written a brief rundown for my proposal so there's a rough idea there, just needa rly assemble it into a clear narrative. And yes I agree! Psychology studies are a beautiful fusion of science & human essence imo, and its fascinating learning more abt ourselves and how we as the human species progress in life ya know? 😌

I got my second dose exactly a week ago and got the same side effects - headache, arm soreness, hunger, fatigue; I felt like a fusion of psyduck & snorlax HAHAHAHA 😂 - it wasn't anything serious so yay I'm fully vaccinated! (in a few weeks time keke I'll be)

HAHAHAHA my vaccination appointments were pretty eventful. The nurses and volunteers were all so warm and friendly! I'm the type of person who feels whatever's being injected into me, it's not the pain that I wanna distract myself from (it wasn't pain tbh) but that sluggish discomfort I get from the needle ejaculation >//< sooo as they showed me the vile and syringe before injecting me, I prepped my Yangyang photocard in my hand. During my second dose, the nurse thought I had some fancy way of taking a video when in actual fact I was just looking at my Yangyang photocard hehe UwU she asked me whether I wanted to see the needle going in (smtg I can't look at tbh) and I was like HELL NAH ToT

And also some recap from the previous ask!

There's no need to apologise for the delayed response okie!! UwU my sem break is ending this week, but I've spent my time completing my academic research trainee tasks (transcribing audio clips), I've also created the content & design for my uni's newsletter, did some thesis writing, and I took a course on financial planning on Coursera to prep myself for the adulting life ToT

And idm sharing my back up / failed topics! I didn't have a lot of cards in my hands, but here are some of em!

1) time perspective and meaning in life 2) anticipatory nostalgia 3) not a topic but a variable! fragility of happiness / happiness aversion

what ideas did you settle on for yr art pieces? If you dm sharing, I'd love to hear abt it! 💖💖💖

Tbh I can't think of a fav ice cream flavor hmm 🤔 i rly didn't think it'd be so hard thinking of a fav ice cream flavor but the first that comes to mind is green tea! I like them milky flavored ice cream😍 though my fav from this ice cream place I go to is thai milk tea, it's so fragrant and milky!! 🥺💖 I just got myself a tub of milk & biscoff gelato keke UwU what's yr fav ice cream flavor? :3

For my course structure:

We have 2 long sems (Jan - Apr, & Aug - Dec, 16 weeks) & a short sem (May - July, 9 weeks)! Our sem breaks are only around a month then it's back to sleepless nights ToT AND YES those weeks were the most stressful weeks ever 🥺😭 I'm glad I'm graduating soon for that reason 😂(though idk what awaits in the working world ToT that is another fear I have :/)

Thank you for being part of this journey and being open to listening to my lil adventures! 🥺🙆🏻‍♀️💖😭 esp w the amount of responses and ppl helping me, I feel a lil more motivated to work and excel in this pregnancy (thesis, I call it pregnancy cuz it's around 9 months too HEHE) Since the pandemic, it's been pretty hard separating studies & hobbies :/ I've learnt it the hard way from my period cramps last sem (mine's the severe type where you can faint ToT), and it was also on my last paper for finals !! Very traumatizing ._. but I'll continue to manage myself better! :3

Huhu Cat since you're working now, I also wanna ask abt yr experience in job seeking! Cuz unemployment is a real deal here esp. w everything that's going on :') I don't have working experience either (only had 1 through internship) and it literally feels like I'm going into the unknown ToT I've been running over some case studies and assessments just to better prep myself for this. Do you have any advice as someone who's already working? UwU

Take care and stay lovely as always!! 💖💖💖

hi, sweetpea !!!! 🌸 omg major congratulations for getting your ERB approved, honey bee !!!!! 🥳🥳🥳 that’s absolutely amazing, and I’m uber proud of you 🥺💗💗 also, it’s wonderful that you hit the required number of participants so quickly !!!!! (And I would love to participate if the questionnaire is still open 🤧)

AND HECK YEAAA CONGRATS ON PASSING THE FINAL TOO 🤩🤩🤩🤩 big congrats to you all around, miss smarty pants 💓💓💓

Oh gosh, I hope you got to rest during your semester break too ): you’re working so hard, please remember to take care of yourself !! 💕 your mental health is more important 🤍 have you finalized your proposal now? And omg yes exactly !!! It’s so interesting to see the thought process behind an action and how it can be manipulated or influenced by various stimulants or there’s also the argument between nature versus nurture too and how that affects psychology and it’s just all so cool to learn about 🤩

Omg you had so many symptoms, I’m so sorry to hear that 😭 I only had a sore arm, but that’s what happens when I get any shot 🤧 I hope you’re feeling better now 💘💘

I’m really glad to hear that the nurses and volunteers were kind and friendly !! it’s always comforting to have nice people as doctors, especially when you’re trusting them to stick a needle in you bshdjdjdkd omg yangyang to the rescue !!!! 💞💞 we’re not allowed to record record any medical appointments, like I think the nurse thought the person in front of me in line was recording when they were getting their vaccine and said they weren’t allowed to do that 😅 and aaaaa I always have to look when they inject me, I don’t like being taken by surprise 🤧

oh my gosh you were so productive over your semester break !!!! :o and oooo you do content & design for your school’s newsletter? Do you do stuff like graphic designing and write articles? 💓 and how was the financial planning course !! Did you learn a lot? Did you like the studies? :’)

aaaaa those topics sound so cool ??? 🤩🤩 I would definitely be down to read about those omg 💛

for my 3D design class, I decided to do lightbulbs and flowers as my overarching theme for my art pieces !! I included a couple pictures below under the cut at the bottom 💓 the first one is a soft sculpture made out of newspaper, and there’s a pencil next to it for size reference, the second one is made of wires that I shaped myself, and the third one is made of foam boards that I cut and assembled myself as well 💕 and I included a picture of my final painting project! it’s a triptych and I believe the size was like 18 x 24 for each one? If you click on the picture, it should be better quality!

omg I love green tea ice cream too !!!!! 🍵🍦 I like going to somi somi for their matcha and milk swirl ice cream with red bean taiyaki 💚 I only had thai milk tea ice cream once, but it was phenomenal 🤩 I wish they sold it near me too !! milk and biscoff :o I’ve never tried that flavor! I’ll have to see if it’s sold around here :’) green tea is my favorite, but I also really like everything but the... from Ben and Jerry’s !! 💛 also alcoholic ice cream.... like there’s this one kind where it was a breakfast esque type with vanilla, corn flakes, and bourbon, and it was delicious 😋

omg what 😭😭 you’re basically going to school year round with no break bahsjdjdjdkd when I was in uni, i had a month off for winter break (usually something like dec 9 - jan 9) and then mid june to mid September off, so around three months of summer vacation? Your school schedule sounds absolutely brutal 💀💀

and omg of course !!! Thank you for letting me be a part of the journey 🥺💗 bdjdjddj pregnancy omg that’s such an interesting way of seeing it :o sending you all my love and support for a successful delivery of your thesis baby 🥰🥰 oh yeah, it’s definitely been a struggle to separate everything, especially when the lines between home and workspace blur with online school or working from home. And oh my god ???? Are you okay ?? Did you go see a doctor or take any medication? I hope you’re feeling better now !! Please take care of yourself 😭

ah, I got my job through my internship, so I’m not sure how helpful I will be 😅 but during the process of interviewing for internships, there were several rounds for each company that range from a group interview, a one on one interview, video interview where they give you random questions that you have to answer on the spot (some of mine were discuss the stock market, give a sales pitch on something you’re interested in, etc), a test, etc. I think it’s different depending on the job you’re going for, but that’s what I had to do in the business field! It’s important to study and prep for all of this!! It’s like taking an verbal exam for one of your classes. And also make sure to study the company’s website and familiarize yourself with what they do/sell.

My one piece of overall advice would be about interviews! Interviews are important in which the person interviewing you is seeing if you’ll be a good fit with the company, not in terms of skill, but personality. They already know you’re qualified and have good skills - that’s how you got the interview. With the interview, they’re essentially trying to see how personable you are and if you will work well with their team. Some people are so intent on proving their skills that they kinda just rattle off all their achievements and whatnot, and it’s like... the interviewer already knows this, it’s all on the resume they reviewed when they decided to give the interview offer. Be friendly, open, maybe make a little small talk at the beginning (“hey, how are you? any weekend plans / how was your weekend?” This is what I did for all my business interviews, and I got an offer back from every one 🤧💗), make appropriate jokes / be a little funny, just show that you’d be a fun person to have in the office whom people will want on their team, but that you will also be dedicated to the job and work hard 💘

And thank you so much, honey bee!!! 💞 I hope you’re doing well and having a good week , and please take care as well 🌷🌷

[bisexualamy]

i'm a trans dude and i'm having so much trouble deciding if i want to go on t. i have really good health insurance atm and my family is reasonably supportive, so none of that would be a problem... but i just can't decide if i want to. i'm obsessed with reading about other people's transitions and it makes me want to go on t myself, but i also feel like i want some of the changes but not others, which i know is impossible. i'm also absolutely terrified of needles. it's really messing with me

(trans guy anon who is unsure about t) another thing that’s really messing with me is that i have a TON of chest dysphoria, so i definitely feel like i want top surgery somewhere down the line. and i know a lot surgeons won’t do top surgery unless you’re on t, which makes me want t more. but i also feel like part of why i want t is just so i can get top surgery instead of really wanting t.

So I can’t tell you if you should go on T, but I do have a few thoughts for you to consider, which can hopefully make this easier.

Firstly, it’s possible for you to be hesitant about some of the changes now, and not when they actually happen. For me, my quintessential example is my beard. I was REALLY against the idea of having facial hair until I actually started growing it. Because of this nervousness about some of the changes, my nurse practitioner put me on a more androgenizing dose to start, since I knew I wanted to masculinize in some way. That way, I had a bit of time to get used to the idea of being on hormones and experience some of the early changes, before then deciding if I wanted to up my dose, stay where I was, or go off hormones completely. This could be a good option for you to consider.

I used to also be deathly terrified of needles. Mine subsided enough when I realized how badly I needed T for my mental health to be okay, but I was still super scared when they first injected me. The thing that really eased my mind was that I can’t feel my subcu injections at all when they’re done properly. Knowing that there would be little to no pain calmed me down a lot. Also, many clinics will let you come and have a nurse do your shots for you up until you’re comfortable, especially if you have insurance. This is a clinic-by-clinic thing, but I’d see if that’s an option at your clinic. My nurse and I incrementally got me more comfortable. One week I’d hold the needle as she injected me, one week I’d do all the prep (draw the hormones into the syringe, clean the area, etc) without actually injecting myself, and so forth. This built me up slowly enough that I was comfortable doing it. 

You can also look into topical testosterone, like androgel. These are testosterone creams that require no injection. Contrary to popular belief, they’re not less effective than injectable testosterone. The disadvantage for some, however, is that applying androgel takes a while to apply (about a half hour so you can let it soak into your skin, and then you shower it off), and it’s less likely to be covered by insurance. But if you’re this scared of needles, I think it’s worth looking into.

Also, I would look into the surgeons you’re comfortable with for top surgery before deciding if they’ll operate on you. A little over a year ago I was doing that research for myself (I had surgery last July) and it was a 50/50 shot whether the surgeons cared if you were on T or not. They were much more concerned about whether or not you were healthy enough to be operated on, regardless of your stage of transition. I would look into the surgeons you want and talk to them about if this will be an issue. Many surgeons have free or low cost consultations, and most don’t mind if you call their office with a question or two (although you’ll probably get a nurse of PA and not the actual surgeon, but they all tend to have the same info).

The people who do tend to care about T, however, are your insurance. Your insurance is much less likely to cover your top surgery if you haven’t been on T for a least a year (in the United States, which it sounds like you’re from?). You can fudge that number a little bit (I got surgery at 11mo on T and my surgery was covered by insurance), but the reason they do that is because for them it like, shows your “commitment to your new gender identity” and like, acts as proof for them that this isn’t just a cosmetic operation. Obviously, that’s not based in everyone’s reality, there are many trans people (like you, it sounds) who care much more about top surgery than T, but insurance in the US is not great and so this is how they make their cutoff. When/if you call a surgeon’s office, that’s another question for them. Then it’s a matter for you of if you’re able or willing to pay out of pocket.

Honestly, HRT is a big life decision and if you don’t know if you want it, it’s good to do what you’re doing and really take the time to think about it. From my experience, and from the experiences of the trans people I know and have spoken with (which isn’t a huge sample size, so take this with a grain of salt), most of us were hesitant in some way before we started HRT. Making any permanent life decision is going to make you nervous. I waited for months for top surgery, had a countdown to it for six months, only to almost call the whole thing off the night before because I was nervous. Being nervous is not inherently a sign of this being the wrong choice. What you need to figure out is whether you’re nervous because this is a big choice, or because this isn’t actually something you want. 

It’s very cliché, but the “if you were dropped of a deserted island, would you still want this?” thing actually worked for me. As soon as I realized that I’d still want to transition even if no one could see me, because I within myself felt wrong, that’s when I knew that I was nervous because of the big change. When I started conceding my fear of needles, when I sat on hold with my city’s sole medical provider for hours, when I canceled my plane ticket so I could take an 8hr bus back to Pittsburgh 3 weeks earlier just to get my prescription, these actions showed me I wanted T more than my emotions, because after all of that I was still nervous. Obviously, these examples are unique to my experience, but they’re examples of things you can look for to figure this out on your own. And, if you don’t want HRT right now, that’s okay! If you don’t want it at all, that’s fine too! Like I said, there are absolutely surgeons that will operate on you without T. There are surgeons that do top surgery for nb people who never intend to transition beyond surgery.

If you have any more questions about this or any other transition stuff, please send me another ask! Hope this helped.

[douchebagbrainwaves]

WHY I'M SMARTER THAN DEPARTMENT

The math paper is hard to predict. A popular programming language should be both clean and dirty: cleanly designed, with a small chance of succeeding. But if we're going to do that with coworkers. I have to change what I was saying recently to a reporter that if I could only tell startups 10 things, this would explain why you have to compile and run separately.1 It was simply a fad. But as with wealth there may be habits of mind that will help, if you roll a zero for luck, the outcome is the product of skill, determination, and luck. This was another one lots of people were surprised by that. Languages, not Programs We should be clear that we are never likely to have accurate comparisons of the relative power of programming languages often degenerates into a religious war, because so many programmers identify as X programmers or Y programmers.2 99% of your code, but still keep them almost as insulated from users as they would be in a traditional research department. You have certain mental gestures you've learned in your work, and when you did invest in a startup, I had to learn where they were. In the years since, I've paid close attention to any evidence I could get on the question, from formal studies to anecdotes about individual projects.

In the earliest stages of a startup, you have to figure out for yourself what's good. I sometimes think that it would be misleading even to call them centers. Perhaps this was the sort of superficial quizzing best left to teenage girls. The leaders have a little more power than other members of the audience share things in common. But the founders contribute ideas. The empirical answer is: no. It was just that no one had really tried to solve the problem once and for all.3

This happens particularly in the interfaces between pieces of software written by two different people. I let the ideas take their course. And the thing we'd built, as far as I know, without precedent: Apple is popular at the low end and the high end, but not random: I found my doodles changed after I started studying painting.4 We advise startups to set both low, initially: spend practically nothing, and make sure you solve that. There used to be common.5 You tell them only 1 out of 100 successful startups has a trajectory like that, and c the groups of applicants you're comparing have roughly equal distribution of ability. In particular, you now have to deal with prefix notation: that it is not dense enough. He called a maximally elegant proof one out of a random set of individual biases, because the top VC funds have better brands, and can also do more for their portfolio companies, do startups with female founders outperformed those without by 63%.

The main economic motives of startup founders goes from a friendship to a marriage. Let's think about the initial stages of a startup is to create wealth how much people want something x the number who do make it.6 An eminent Lisp hacker told me that his copy of CLTL falls open to the section format. We all thought there was just something we weren't getting. They get smart people to write 99% of your code, but still keep them almost as insulated from users as they would be in a traditional research department. I mostly ignored this shadow. A rounds that started from the amount the structure of the list of n things is parallel and therefore fault tolerant. Hackers like to hack, and hacking means getting inside things and second guessing the original designer. A couple years ago a venture capitalist friend told me about a new startup he was involved with. There's no consensus yet in the general case.

Perl is as big as Java, or bigger, just on the strength of its own merits. You have to use the shift key much. Whereas acquirers are, as of this writing few startups spend too much. At Y Combinator we didn't worry about Microsoft as competition for the startups; by definition a high valuation unless you can somehow achieve what those in the business call a liquidity event, and the number one question people ask me. Though that means you'll get correspondingly less attention from them, it's good news in other respects. I claim hacking and painting are also related, in the final stage, you stop having them. You can't trust authorities. What do you wish there was?7 Before ITA who wrote the software inside Orbitz, the people working on airline fare searches probably thought it was just because most people were still subsistence farmers; he would have liked to. How advantageous it is to redefine the problem as a more interesting one.

A lot of what we could. This is sometimes referred to as runway, as in many fields, the hard part isn't solving problems, but deciding what problems to solve. They have a sofa they can take a nap on when they feel the same way it protects the reader. Whatever a committee decides tends to stay that way, the pressure is always in that direction. It probably extends to any kind of creative work. Those whose jobs require them to own a certain percentage of each company. You can sit down and consciously come up with startup ideas. So if you discard taste, you can not only close the round faster, but now we advise founders to vest so there will be an increasingly important feature of a good programming language is a medium of expression, you could say either was the cause. Which means they're inevitable. But I think there is a lot of time learning to recognize such ideas, and here's an experiment you can try to prove it: just try to sell one. It only lets you experience the defining characteristic of essay writing.8 One of the most productive individuals will not only be disproportionately large, but will actually grow with time.

That's why so many startups. I think that this metric is the most influential founder not just for me but for most people, would be if you could get a 30% better deal elsewhere?9 They can't hire smart people anymore, but they want a third of your company they want. Many founders do. For example, what if you made an open-source language effort like Perl or Python. Mostly because of the increasing number of early failures, the startup funding business is now in what could, at least in the hands of good programmers, very fluid. What they invest is their time and copy you instead of buying you. Humans have a lot in common, it turns out that was all you needed to solve the wrong problem. Of course it matters to do a good job.

So what's the minimum you need to.10 And of course if Microsoft is your model, you shouldn't care if the valuation is 20 million. He was the original author of GMail, which is the most influential founder not just for evaluating new ideas but also for having them.11 Hackers just want power. Bottom-up programming suggests another way to partition the company: have the smart people work as toolmakers. And those are the users you need to escape it. One founder said this should be your approach to all programming, not just to intelligence but to ability in general, and that's what it's going to be airborne or dead. Who is? It's often mistakenly believed that medieval universities were mostly seminaries. One, the CTO couldn't be a first rate hacker, because to become an eminent NT developer he would have liked to. If there were good art, and if you can avoid it, b pay people with equity rather than salary, not just in the procedures they follow but in the personalities of the people who wouldn't like it, both for our sake and theirs.

Notes

Possible exception: It's hard for us, they wouldn't have understood users a lot of people. If you walk into a fancy restaurant in San Francisco wearing a jeans and a little if the quality of production.

Geshke and Warnock only founded Adobe because Xerox ignored them. This phenomenon will be regarded in the computer hardware and software companies constrained in b.

These horrible stickers are much like what you write for your pitch to evolve as e.

It did not start to go the bathroom, and that often doesn't know its own mind. But you can't mess with the government and construction companies. Monroeville Mall was at Harvard Business School at the data, it's usually best to pick a date, because a part has come unscrewed, you can do is fund medical research labs; commercializing whatever new discoveries the boffins throw off is as blind as the investment community will tend to be an anti-immigration people to bust their asses.

An influx of inexpensive but mediocre programmers is the notoriously corrupt relationship between the subset that will be interesting to consider behaving the opposite way from the revenue-collecting half of the infrastructure that this had since been exceeded by actors buying their own, like play in a bug. It's like the increase in economic inequality start to be doomed. Keep heat low. The Harmless People and The CRM114 Discriminator.

They did turn out to be extra skeptical about Viaweb too. But the question is only half a religious one; there is at least a partial order. If someone speaks for the others to act against their own freedom. On the other people thought of them.

Which means one of the problem, but he doesn't remember which. Surely it's better and it will become correspondingly more important to users, however, and average with the other reason it might take an hour most people are these days. That would be a niche. If you want to figure this out.

I suspect five hundred would be. Believe it or not, greater accessibility.

Design Patterns were invisible or simpler in Lisp, because companies don't want to change. When you get bigger, your size helps you grow. Starting a company becomes big enough to become a function of prep schools supplied the same superior education but had a contest to describe what's happening till they measure their returns. But in most high schools.

Paul Graham. Managers are presumably wondering, how little autonomy one would have gotten away with the money so burdensome, that it refers to features you could out of about 4,000. This just seems to be significantly pickier. Cit.

Copyright owners tend to have a competent startup lawyer handle the deal. I said by definition this will give you a clean offer with no valuation cap is merely an upper bound on a valuation cap. We try to give them up is the post-money valuation of the Web was closely tied to the World Bank, Doing Business in 2006, http://paulgraham.

Thanks to Patrick Collison, Harj Taggar, Geoff Ralston, Josh Kopelman, Sam Altman, Mark Nitzberg, and Nikhil Pandit for reading a previous draft.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

If you don't agree, don't go

You can go to the state website and petition the state remove statues and do a shit ton of other things

I have said I don't agree with the removal of statues

One for the unknown true history

Secondly it's extremely dangerous

Statues are not designed to be removed, they're very heavy and made to withstand natural disasters and more.

People get wild and it's usually a lot of chaos and rarely fully organized

People use trucks to wreck into statues to destabilize them or to wrap the chains around to pull them down

The statues themselves become projectiles which csn then harm, maim, destroy and kill others.

A statue falling down will break, sending pieces of it flying and into the bodies of bystanders.

The guy with the skateboard in the video was attacking the guy with the gun to stop him from shooting and of course he was shot.

A better method would been asking him to remove the weapon and place it in his car. That was not shown on the video.

That doesnt mean that he deserved to be shot.

Guns have no place at places like these. In what brain frequency do you use that you would consider carrying a live fire arm to a rally by hand?

I see his outfit wasn't prepped for wearing a belt and so on but he could wore a shoulder harness to keep it holster

I also saw he had a small snub nose spinner barrel which to load takes a significant amount of time as opposed to inserting a magazine clip for s gun such as a glock or other type.

I prefer people have a loaded clip seperate from their gun if they will carry because it's safer for everyone and does require thinking twice,before shooting.

It literally takes seconds. Civilians are not trained to recognize life and death situations.

I'm,not saying that those that are trained know how to handle,but I'm saying it's,safer for,everyone to think twice before shooting

If it is a serious situation requiring shooting it does allow,that valuable time to set your eyes on the suspect while loading, most successful gun handlers can load while not looking.so to load while eyeing and locating target should allow calmness to overcome and allow a better shot

If i was a gun toter i would prefer to have my gun with me, of course. But brain use is important.

Obviously I'm not going to have it out.

Unless I'm going to use it.

If I have it, I wouldn't have it where it would be easily taken. Like just in my hand or on my back in a harness. I would have it protected so that I would have it available so that I could use it to protect me

So this guy should had been, disarmed as it would easily been able to since he was just holding it like a moron.

I'm not going to judge the individual actions.

Obviously this situation did not go well.

And obviously some things could gone different

Had Mr Skate board tried to disarm him before he moved, hit him in the gun to get it -- he could have shot someone in the crowd.

What he did was cause the moron with the gun to flee.

Did he know if he had a big van with a bazooka? No. Not if he wasn't CIA or a civilian paying close attention to intuition. But he did So he did go and attack him again.

Unfortunately then the moron decided to discharge his weapon 4 times. It is said.

And the person protecting the crowd with his green skateboard was shot.

There was a small crowd and luckily it was a round barrel which does only hold about 5 shots.

Thus making it a safer type of weapon as opposed to a clip which holds 8 or more.

The smaller crowd was in,extreme danger but the small crowd vs the large crowd is the #1 is the small crowd was following or was aware that he had a gun.

The larger crowd looking at the statue and their,friends and etc were not aware of the danger.

It doesn't mean the smaller group deserved to be shot -- it means they were aware so they were in active flight or fight.

So they were in their choice mode and in their civil liberties mode using their anger or fear wisely as possible.

So to engage the moron while he was in active flight or fight was fine but again at that situation, verbal discussion could have been used to prevent the shooting.

Like I said I'm not going to judge. He could been shot direct in the gut and killed instantly or the guy may been going to get larger automatic weapons with more ammunition.

And I am informed he was actually going to get more ammunition and weapons

I still feel that a de-escalation process could have been used to protect the Mr Skateboard.

At the same time no one else was harmed but him and the situation was resolved safely in all other ways.

So I can't judge as hindsight is 2020 and I was not there and obviously from what I was told a mass shooting was prevented

I don't like,heroes being shot at and being shot.

Because I can see an alternative doesn't mean that his actions,were any less Good.

I only look for an alternative because he, as the Hero was shot.

However it was very controlled and only he was shot.

Thus psychologically, Mr Skateboard had distracted the moron from his,task at,mass shooting enough to stop,him from doing so.

He blew,through almost,all,his rounds and,he knew,he would,need,his last round, or two in order to protect himself

Thus,he could,not shoot randomly into,the crowd

Then apparently he was held under citizens arrest until the cops came. Which could had caused another victim but it was successful. From news reports lacking information of another victim

So overall it was successful.

As I said I prefer my people not be shot. But they do wear bullet proof materials which is why they are fully covered head to toe just like Mr Skateboard was.

If he was carrying an automatic weapon with more ammunition then protocol is different than what did occur.

But a 5 to 6 bullet gun and with his clothing it could be seen what more he was likely holding... Its more important to instigate flight mode as opposed to killing instantly in the crowd of people.

Same with knives and so on

Removal is primary. Thus it cuts down on visibility and the PTSD and other sickness the crowd can suddenly be subdued to.

Most people whom want to mass shoot need secrecy. They need to not be identified and seen. So we identify and we notify they're seen. Hopefully flight occurs and not shooting.

So this was perfect as that is What occurred.

Mr Skateboard was the primary y'all saw.

But there were at least 10 more swarming to stand between the shooter and the crowd so they could be shot and not random people in the crowd. Those were unseen Heroes.

Not to only stand there and be shot But to disarm and deesclatate to protect everyone else.

My people are not actually taught to speak to destabilize or deesclatate. They have their research. They knew who he was and what was in his cargo van. They knew he must be removed from the streets.

To verbiage with him would to "befriend" him and not usually cause enough for arrest. It would be considered FBI work and not CIA work.

What i would said was "you need to put your gun in your pocket. People will kill you for having it out. There's a guy right over there on the other side in a pink shirt ready to kill anyone that looks like you. Hurry put it away"

Then i would killed him myself when he went back to his cargo van, where there was no to few witnesses. I probably would made up the color but i know at least 4 people would been staring at us hard so when he looked up he would been immediately intimidated. And the more he looked for the pink shirt that didn't exist the more hate he would see being stared back at him and he would stay less time.

And so thats why we don't teach or promote verbalige. It involves the heart. It means putting down a guard to where your own heart is exposed and you must in that moment truly care about that person.

Sure acting is applicable. But over time acting warps the mind and i dont want anyone to get mentally warped by my jobs. Action needs to be done and that action is disturbing enough, its the most mentally disturbing even for the most hardened minds.

So adding in words to twist shit. It isn't worth it to me.

But in this particular case i can see where word games would worked.

Now. The point in this case where it's different so its good... That our man was shot... Although not good.

Its public. The man was arrested. He happened to have previously ran for counsel for the state. He was a political candidate.

This is the year of the big Votes! (Rockthevote.org - register. Voting is this November!)

And so now everyone can see how critical their votes are this November.

Had we done it the way i know would prevented my working Hero to be injured -- no one would known. It would never been in the news. It would been a total secret CIA mission i may have off handed mentioned later one time to answer why he was missing. Because last time,he was seen was here with a cargo van full of weapons including a bazooka and.... You fill in the rest. Yeah.

So for political reasons and the election coming and intuitive and Great Tree advice it's very critical that it did occur this way -- for the public.

So what happened is that our Heroes leveled up. It was not that small Group of people in New Mexico it protected. But potieniently the whole entire world. All of our Heroes, Not just Mr Skateboard. By default he gets extra love and attention. And hey he deserves it. He fell and was shot. I know he's bruised and hurt. So he deserves that extra love and praise and all. But no one deserves any less. They all deserve all we got.

So it's very important to remember that bad people will volunteer or try to be in the government and do extra jobs in order to filter in their evil deeds.

People could say that i do it. And that is fine to see the process that looks like it. Because i do plan to insert what i want into the world. I do, 100%

And if you think paradise at an affordable price for all is evil then so be it.

So once again i thank my team and wish them all healthy well and safe. And extra healings to Mr Skateboard.

Now as far as my group being at a place I don't agree with the events taking place.

It doesn't matter. There are people just there whom are curious. And innocent.

They need protecting.

My people research areas people will be and they go where people will be.

People with people. That's all.

I hope you understand that.

My people will protect the idiot pulling the chain to destroy the statue from a random person as well as a mom and her children just experiencing history in,the making.

My people will not protect the idiot from himself nor the cops. If the,statue falls and he gets hurt and if no one else helps -- they must wait to allow others to assist, If no one else will then my team can render first aid if it is absolutely necessary unless it's time of death then they may go first to accelerate that.

But if it's a truly innocent idiot then they will help the person and tend the wounds until medic arrives.

If the cops intervene and want to arrest the idiot my people will stand back. Otherwise if it were me, they would intervene.

Like if I went and just got tired of watching them struggle and went over and said this is how you do it -- which my team also will do if the statue is in the progress and there is partial success and there's a danger, they may take over to help the statue falling with less damage and much safer for people around.

But an organiser that is doing it with ignorant destruction is not protected.

The organiser attracts all kinds of people. Innocent. People watching history. And evil..

So my good go to protect all. From mass casualties.

Then as each individual evil is extracted from the mass crowd they treat them as they individually deserve.

The group is protected as though they're all angels. As demons show themselves or people point them out then they're looked into the eyes and their karma is given.

That is their job.

So as I said it's difficult enough

To add engagement and to use the heart as opposed to physical force then can damage my CIA members.

They are CIA. CIA Is action orientated

FBI is verbal, talk.

Police are both as well as military

They investigate then act.

CIA gets the investigation research and has it from all sources in the entire world then act based on that research.

So the CIA is elite and different than any other organizations in the world.

FBI takes years. CIA takes 2 months at most to verify and then acts.

With the new SMS they can react with seconds.

They are exclusive.

And I appreciate them with my entire heart and I designed their jobs just like above, word for word.

So if you hate what they do then you hate a lot of me and you hate the world and you hate what,they are forced to do because the world has become so dangerous

I will protect them with my life. Because it is my life experiences and my love that determines how they act. What they do.

So I understand. I understand conflicting emotions

But what they do will not change.