#but I am incredibly insecure about my writing and I struggle to get my thoughts together

[vhanitas-monstr]

writing is hard, man. So many thoughts plague my brain and I want to write, but trying to like, unravel my thoughts into a coherent, structured thing is difficult. I’ll have spurts where I can write several paragraphs and just go for it….and then times I look at it again and can’t figure out how to progress at all.

not to mention my want to write is conflicted by my insecurities; I want to write, yes, but do people want to read it? what if it turns out awful? what if no one likes it? And I know it’s really stupid because it’s founded in nothing, yet it still weighs on me lol.

[planefood]

Autism and Isolation, discussing my experience and my characters

I think i've said here before that my robot characters represent my experience growing up disabled where I live. My characters being robots specifically were made to represent feelings of being made to feel less human in some way due to it. While all my characters in that story are on the spectrum and represent different parts of my experience, I used Mikey as the cover of this post because he represents a certain part of myself that makes me incredibly attached to him (there's a reason I say I like writing him so much, despite him not being the main protagonist). He's the part of me that understands I need help with things but is too afraid to ask leaving me in horrible positions, he's the part of me who screams in public when I feel trapped, he's the part of me that could probably never live by myself, he's the part of me who's scared and vulnerable. Among other things. But also he's the part of me who, like many of my peers, feels isolated in everyday spaces and autistic spaces alike due to peoples perceptions of what autism "should" be, these same people welcome fidget toys and stimming with open arms turn around and think its okay to call me the r slur or infantalise me or make fun of until I cry. But I only cry because I thought i'd be welcomed in those spaces with my autistic peers and I cry because I told my younger self it would get better and people would be nicer to us once we were an adult with like minded people. These same people who, despite being open and proud about supporting neurodiversity still think its okay to use the word autistic as an insult against me. I feel like while people appear so much more accepting of disabled people with these small gestures than I was when I was growing up, I still feel like an outsider in these spaces but this time it feels like I've hit a wall. Like a, "who will support me if the people who are meant to don't?" it leads to a lot of insecurity and self loathing, it makes me feel like I'm not autistic in the "right way" and there's just something wrong with me as a person. I wrote these into Mikey, which makes him seem like he has a 'thin skin' to people like Tandy. Mikey, in my story, is often left behind or teased by other characters in my story even the ones who are also on the spectrum. They also struggle with their own battles with facing ableism and self hatred due to it but don't realise the first step to tackling that is unpacking how they treat others around them. You'll never be able to love your true authentic autistic self if you throw ableist rhetoric at people around you. That includes saying shit like "I'm autistic and I don't act like that guy does whats their excuse" or "I'm not making fun of them because they're autistic they just act weird" I'm low support needs autistic, I've seen how people treat high support needs autistic people and its even more sickening, other low support needs autistic people like to pretend they don't exist or throw them under the bus to make themselves more appealing to ableists: "See autistic people don't actually act like that, support me because I can mask" or even trying to say autism isn't a disability. My characters and writing while being a representation of myself being disabled is also a scathing criticism of the cruelty I see in the world at large, the cruelty I see in other people in ND and disabled communities and the cruelty I see within myself. I get scared about my future with how people treat me, but when I have characters I can write these struggles into it makes it a little easier. I know there's people who love me for who I am and there's people out there who love you guys for who you are too.

[intrulogical]

remus isn't dumb; a sanders sides essay

i've been struggling to make a cohesive post about this because i feel like most of what i want to say boils down to the same underlying message which is: remus isn't dumb.

i feel like a good chunk of this fandom understands what i mean, at least to a surface level point. but even then, i think too much of the fandom still misinterprets remus' character in a way that, they seem to understand different traits of his, but the way they execute it is still way off from what we see in canon.

(rest of the essay under the cut!)

for example, the biggest thing i see people get wrong would be the way they write remus "lol random" personality. it's true that remus tends to say whatever he wants at any given moment. but, the problem here is that people tend to think remus as random in function. i have no better way to describe this succinctly, so to expound: while remus tends to make left-field jokes a lot, he is shown to be incredibly deliberate, cunning, committed, and intelligent in very subtle ways.

truth is, remus is very goal-oriented, and when he has a goal, oh he strives for that goal. so far, i'm writing this with the last 5 years episode being the most recent substantial episode, so i can't really 100% say all my assumptions of remus are true. actually, i think the upcoming season finale will be the missing link when it comes to providing us with the whole picture of who remus is.

as for now, i just have to stick with my theory of; remus, as a side of thomas' heavily connected to insecurities and mental health issues, intends to shed light on the "darker" sides of thomas because he believes them to be beneficial. throughout dwit, we see remus continuously bolster the idea that his contributions are useful for thomas. this continues in wtit, but with the extra layer of remus wanting logan as well to be in touch with the darker parts of himself to get thomas in line.

it is also heavily implied that remus is well in on whatever janus' plan is to get thomas to be a.) more aware of his mental health issues, and b.) to get thomas to break out of his catholic black and white thinking. in forbidden fruit, it's janus who’s seen permitting remus to present himself to thomas. bigger evidence though, as i've mentioned in the previous paragraph, is the way remus seems to deliberately want logan to manifest his anger against thomas.

of course, we can always say that remus taunted logan "just for fun", but i feel like too much of what happened in wtit seem to point to remus having deeper reasons. for example, wtit exhibits how bad thomas' mental health is to the point that he gets irrationally angry at nico for not replying to his texts. this proves how thomas has been neglecting his mental health, and with the way patton, virgil, and roman held onto toxic selfless ideologies for the longest time, thomas would still, naturally, be lost on what to do. he would even seem to deny how bad things have gotten, especially with the way he acts like nothing bad is happening when he goes to his date with nico.

why am i emphasizing this? well, it's because something i find interesting about remus' character is how deeply cognizant he is of thomas' problems. what i mean by this is, no other side can call out thomas' issues more than remus can. i wrote an essay about this before if you want to check this out, but tldr: remus, as intrusive thoughts, is the most perceptive out of all the sides when it comes to calling out insecurities or problems. we see this come to fruition in wtit when all of the traps he laid out for thomas involved nico in some capacity.

while you can interpret his character as evil for preying on others’ insecurities, i think it's important to acknowledge that, in a sea of people who tend to refuse to talk about their issues, remus is the main guy who constantly brings them to the table. whether remus' intentions are good or not, there's no denying that remus' importance as a side lies in the fact that he serves as a mental health alarm clock for thomas. with the way none of the sides want to communicate with each other, we need someone like remus to cut the bullshit and say things as it is. 

again, we don't really know if he wants to help thomas. but i would like to emphasize that, yes, remus is not dumb. he does not merely make lewd jokes and calls it a day. he has the long-term goal of making everyone talk about more "taboo" topics with each other, and this includes talking about personal grievances the sides tend to suppress or refuse to talk about. lewd jokes are just part of the process.

i think this goal of his is also incredibly visible with the way remus treated logan in wtit. wtit is my favorite sanders sides episode because there's just so much to analyze between remus and logan, but you can check my other essays in regards to that. the main thing i wanted to point out is that what remus says to logan in the end, "woowee logan, now you're speaking my language. but who do you really want to scream that at?", proves he is more deliberate and cunning than he seems.

a lovely bit of analysis my friend orb (@orbmanson7) provided is that remus didn't just pop up in wtit to intervene with thomas' plans. he was there to intervene with logan's. if you've seen my other essays, i've talked about how logan as a side has been dwindling in terms of self-confidence and assertion. this has left a big problem of thomas being more reliant on his emotions, making him ignore the suggestions given by logan that may help with thomas' mental health in the long run. this is not to villainize thomas' mental health crisis, btw. all i want to say is that, remus recognizes how logan's self-restriction is doing no good and deliberately wants to push logan to become more assertive and angry.

that is why he says logan is speaking his language. he wants logan to recognize the merit in the way remus grabs thomas' attention. he wants logan to be like him and cause more havoc. again, we never know how much remus genuinely wants to help thomas, but we know that remus wants everyone to be more exposed to "taboo" things, and this includes logan being more in touch with his angrier side.

besides that, i'd like to mention how, in general, remus tends to be very committed to his goals more than how the fandom typically portrays him? in dwit, remus' main goal was to disturb thomas and the other sides. it's kind of just an introduction to his character. we're not sure if it's part of a bigger plan he and janus devised to get thomas to take care of himself better, but it is a possibility. the only time he gets too random is when logan begins picking apart his arguments. there we see remus only results to super left-field, continuous off-tangent jokes when he's desperate or placed in a lose-lose situation.

another, in wtit, we see how remus understands how to make very long, complicated traps. i think it's a perfect encapsulation of his personality, actually! throughout the episode, we see him make these multilayered traps with a ton of props and preparation just so he can bother thomas with it. it shows that remus is actually less impulsive-oriented as he seems. he even created a schedule he showed to logan detailing everything he wanted to do that day. again, deliberate! he is deliberate and very smart!

other thing i'd like to harken back to is the idea that he's in cahoots with the other dark sides to execute some Big Plan to break thomas out of his black and white thinking. while we don't know how orange acts like yet, we're Very familiar with janus by this point and we can see how long-drawn janus' plan of acceptance is. he's, again, sorry to use the word so many times, very deliberate. i don't even think his plan ends with svs.r, because it does seem like remus is well in on this plan too. in the 5 years video, he also seems to know more than thomas on what else is to come for the future of sanders sides, which implies he has some plans up his sleeve that no one else knows about. like i said, janus has the goal to break thomas out of his black and white thinking. and so far from what we've seen from remus, he also wants the same!

an important factor of remus' character besides his deliberateness is his general need to subvert what "goodness" means. "good and bad are all made up nonsense," he sings in forbidden fruit. throughout dwit he continuously criticizes everything thomas thinks is good or acceptable. in the 5 years video, he argues about how there's no "correct way of sitting". i think this also proves how remus is important as a side because, while not every single one of his beliefs are morally acceptable, he is still able to pick morality apart in a way the other sides are unable to. also, i just think this proves his character as just. generally smart? he's able to pick apart the status quo and moral philosophies, of course he's smart.

just to pick up on a previous point, remus is scarily perceptive. i mentioned this earlier with how remus is able to pick logan apart, but i'd like to add onto it more since i think a lot of people underestimate how crazily perceptive he is. for one, despite not being too close with a bunch of the other sides, he seems to be able to read their insecurities and play them against them really well. we see it in the way he uses virgil's insecurities of being an ex-dark side against him. we see it in the way he picks on patton and thomas' morality crisis against them. we see it in the way roman describes remus as someone being able to show him things he doesn't like about himself. and most importantly, we see it in the way remus constantly reaps the fact that logan isn't listened to to the point that logan snaps. as intrusive thoughts, remus' job is to see what deepest darkest secrets thomas and the sides suppress and use it against them.

at the moment, we don't really know if remus has any weaknesses, although wtit sort of implies that he himself is also quite irritated by the fact that thomas doesn't listen to him. he does a good way of hiding, though, how much of that problem is genuinely affecting him. it makes me think he's also smart in the way he's able to hide his vulnerabilities and true intentions from the other side. he's silly and goofy and lewd and because of that, everyone thinks he's harmless. the sides think he's unserious, and so does the fandom. but deep down, remus really isn't that stupid. 

and LASTLY, when beta reading this essay, orb also mentioned to me about how remus possesses cognitive flexibility in a way roman doesn’t. this isn’t meant to discredit roman of course, but i think it’s important to mention that remus is the side with the least amount of restrictions when it comes to creative liberties. orb mentioned to me how remus is able to connect concepts easily in a way roman doesn’t because remus doesn’t operate under the same self-restrictive mindset. while this obviously would help thomas become more innovative as a creative, i think it’s also important to recognize how much thomas kind of needs it in general. much of the latter half of the series shows thomas dealing with restrictions, especially when it comes to doing good. it would be great benefit for thomas to be able to listen to a side who generally wants to Have a Good Time, and doesn’t abide by rules imposed onto them.

and yes that is my essay on remus 100/10 best character and is not dumb at all. very excited to see him in the finale and i hope y’all’s get your characterizations straight because i need me some good fics 

[sucrows]

Crow you interested me in ur femstars body headcanons now..... I would love to hear abt everyone but that might be too much work LMAO i invite u to share misc headcanons tho.... i love women

hope you know ive thought about this ask daily for the last 2 months, so its time to free it from its chambers and release the femstars body headcanons

gonna go wild and write as much or as little as i feel like for every character and ignore any i don't have any thoughts on. warning for talk about bodies and weight amongst other stuff

adonis: mostly muscular build but not in like... an instagram fitness influencer way in that she hyper focuses in on glutes. She works out upper body and lower body equally. she keeps her hair incredibly long but always has it up in some way. idk how accurate this is to canon but in MY eyes she used to be heavier before she got into being an idol but since she's moved to japan she's gotten more muscular. She still has the stretchmarks and loose skin in places to show for it. not particularly busty, probably a b or maybe c cup at most

chiaki: bangs and a high ponytail. her hair isn't all that long (just past soulder length) but it's enough that she can pull it up. really sickly as a child so she works out a lot and is decently muscular now.

himeru: if "willowy" were a person. Hair is long and straight and sleek. It falls in her face often. she and fem!adonis know each other well from working on shampoo commercials. Gives the impression of a "mean girl" until you chat with her

izumi: pixie cut. do you know how strict the ballet and modeling scene are on young girls? her self image is rough and she's still definitely struggling with the fact that bodies change as you age. She used to be really thin and was a late bloomer. She's still thin now and has a decent amount of muscle but fem!izumi is even more sensitive about her weight than regular izumi

kanata: short hair. what is up with everyone giving her long hair? if anything, the symbolism of kanata not having long hair anymore means even more if we're talking about fem!kanata.

keito: dresses reallllllyyyy conservatively until its for a job and then she flashes everyone with eyefulls of arm muscles and tits. Genuinely gorgeous and stunning. Bob with a small undercut for hair.

koga: ok i cannot picture her with one specific hairstyle so im going to just say she's always changing it up. She'll go "im growing it out!" and then the next day she's shaved her sides.

leo: her hair has not changed at all, she just plays with it a bit more often. Short and bony. basically the same as regular leo but even shorter.

mayoi: same hair as regular mayoi. very thin and not very shapely. She's not completely flat chested but her breasts are small enough that she can often get away with not wearing a bra. when she's not really anxious but not smiling she has a case of rbf and it's funny

niki: hair is same as regular niki. busty and bottom heavy. really reslly struggled to gain weight as a child and early teenage years due to her health issues but has gained weight as of becoming an idol due to having enough money to actually feed herself what she needs! yippee!

rinne: wolf cut! used to be long but one day after she got to the city she cut it and never looked back. does not work out often but somehow maintains a muscular physique.

ritsu: longer hair as a kid, same as regular ritsu now. permanently wears oversized clothing.

souma: almost identical to regular souma except shorter and with b cups

tatsumi: i am a short hair tatsumi truther. It was really long during reimei but it was such a hassle while she was hospitalized that she decided to go for the big chop. wants to grow it out again but has a bob as of canon time. anyways back to what everyone wants to hear: yeah she has a massive chest but she's kinda insecure about it. she's another one who grew up fat and still isn't quite used to everyone praising her now for having fat in the "right" areas. frequent practice has her a bit thinner than she used to be but do not get me wrong she is still fat (especially on her stomach and arms). oh yeah and also molessssss

Ok getting off my soapbox now i love women ❤️

[peachesofteal]

Do you have some advice on how I can make socialization less exhausting?

My two main struggles are 1) feeling that at my core, I'm inhuman, less human, or just plain different from everyone else and 2) fear of perception, specifically that people will be able to perceive that I'm different and will think of me badly because of it.

I'm not sure why I feel this way, I know I'm a regular person, but I just can't shake this feeling that I'm not and that others can tell.

I do know that some people find me or the things that I do to be odd because it's been pointed out a couple of times. They're never terribly weird things. They're just different, and the people mentioning it weren't being mean, just curious and maybe even a little unaware. I think the mortification of people pointing out that I'm different in some way has just made me hyper aware and hyper afraid that there are more things about me that aren't normal to other people.

It might be worth noting that I have had a light, self-diagnosed history of delusion and paranoia. In 2020, I managed to convince myself that I had an audience in my head observing my every thought and action, which led to a lot of unnecessary shame and insecurity, esp when dealing with intrusive thoughts. I still have some bouts of similar paranoid delusions, but I can usually logic my way out without it getting too bad. I never really got help for this because at first, it wasn't available, and then I was too afraid to tell my therapist because I didn't want her to think I was different or weird. A self-fufilling prophecy, I guess 😞

It's genuinely excruciating to hang out with people because it is so incredibly draining, even when it feels like it shouldn't be. I feel like with every social interaction, I have to put on a mask/facade of this regular person so that I don't seem weird or off-putting to others. It's often feels disingenuous to who I am, and it's really difficult to maintain.

I'm not particularly insecure, and contrary to what it may seem, I don't care too much about external validation or judgment. I think because I fight so hard to maintain this mask of normalcy, I've subconsciously convinced myself that I need the mask because I'm not normal or human.

I'm not even trying to be edgy, I guess I'm just afraid that I'm somehow unacceptable or wrong, just for existing. My fear that people see me as less than human, or just different than what they consider a normal human.

Even this ask is a little difficult for me to write because I'm lowkey afraid that you're going to think that I'm different or inhuman. I know that I'm a normal person, but I think there is a part of me that's aware that I might just be different. Sorry that this is a lot, but it's frustrating to deal with, and I don't want to feel like this every time I interact with people. Thanks for listening 🫂

I’m skipping past your question about socialization and getting straight to the point: You’re not inhuman, and it’s okay to be different. Normally I would say you’re probably dissociating, or going through some depersonalization which is natural/normal, but combined with the paranoia, I would recommend you speak to your therapist. You need mental health support. Paranoid delusion is a symptom, and mental health professionals can help you, without judgement. Taking care of yourself is something you can do out of love for yourself, NOT fear. TALK TO YOUR THERAPIST.

Unless you do a lot of drugs. If you’re using drugs heavily, that would explain this.

[violetasteracademic]

You’re such a good writer. Have you ever thought of writing a book?

Oh my goodness 🥹 thank you darling anon!!

I've actually written three! Though I have not felt any were ready to undergo the query process. And this year my poetry was published for the first time in a literary magazine, which was absolutely surreal. The few times I've mentioned this info here typically people ask if they can see it or if I could share, and I would soooo love to but this fandom is frankly too scary with doxxing and harassing for me to feel comfortable opening up that part of myself here.

I do think in the fic world especially it can be kind of charming and whimsical to just seem like this incredible writer who doesn't even try, but that is not me 😅 where I am at is the result of a decades long dedication to daily writing practices, multiple novel attempts, and improving my craft through books on structure and taking local workshops without access to higher education for it.

It can be scary to reveal how hard you work in creative spaces- because then what if you don't seem as impressive as you should? But writers have really a bad rap for pretending they don't try at all and everything just *happens* which leads to a lot of insecurity and frustration for new writers who are easily discouraged. So I always want to be really transparent about my journey.

Not that anyone asked but I would like to again take this time to encourage any aspiring writers, fic or otherwise, to just *start* writing anything at all! Putting words together in a meaningful way is a discipline. Even if you are naturally talented, that will fizzle out without practice. So write, write, write, and start today, not when you have an idea for a story. Writing begets writing. Go outside and write about the sky at different intervals throughout the day and you might suddenly walk away with the idea for your first novel!

Anywho, this was very kind. Fic is especially vulnerable because even with a solid amount of practice and discipline, it is essentially just a first draft and lacks a lot of the polish a published book would undergo. So it really means a lot to know you enjoy! When people say a published novel "reads like a fic" I know what they mean 😅 without editors, developers, arc readers, ect, I struggle with a lot of fears and insecurity too. But you guys have been amazing to write for. I felt so supported and encouraged from day one even being brand new to the scene, and it fills my heart with such joy to be a part of this fic community!

Fic writing has been really helping me through a deeply unstable time in my life and I'm so happy to have discovered it. Once I get a little more settled and stable, I'll focus back on original work!

[vostok3-ka]

For the ask game hehe ❌💖✨

Hi hi howdy! Thank you so much for the ask <333 I hope you are well :D

❌ - Heh so, one trope that I will never, ever write is anything sexual. I just- feel uncomfortable doing so. I will gleefully jump at the chance to write horror, psychological drama, and intense angst, but sexual, that's where I dip. I also won't write Reader tropes, as it simply isn't to my taste at all. Another thing I won't write, and I don't know if this counts as a trope, is Stucky. I just can't write them like that. I see this mostly as brothers, as really close, tight friends, and although I will read Stucky sometimes (i have a few fics in mind that i would absolutely devour) I simply am not able to get them as a romantic relationship into words. They're forever friends to me, really close friends. Friends who will die in the other's arm simply to save them, friends who will cuddle up together to keep warm, and bring comfort to the other without it ever going further. I cannot express how much delight it brings me when I find fics like that!

💖 - OOH I like this question. Honestly what made me start writing was the need to put my emotions into words, to put what I feel onto paper, which is probably why I started out writing poetry, about four? years ago, so that's what I feel most comfortable with honestly. Prose is fresh to me, which is why I struggle a little with pacing, and dialogue more than I do with imagery and description. Also, more recently, what made me start writing fics, was the despair I felt at not being able to find what I want to read, so I simply decided to write what I want to read for my own silly entertainment. That's about it really! The urge to put feelings into paper, and the want to read fics I cannot otherwise find ;D

✨ - This is such a sweet ask to receive, and yet probably the hardest. I am incredibly insecure when it comes to my writing and I feel so bad complimenting it, as I don't have a lot of experience with prose, but I have to say, I like how my fic ideas can be a little different than other fics. I haven't seen a fic getting Bucky hooked on morphine before, and I haven't seen a fic based around the Trans-Siberian express either, as well as a fic exploring Rumlow and Bucky's relationship post TFAWS (Rumlow is alive in my mind hehe) while they wrestle with supernatural elements. I also like my characterization of the Winter Soldier. I know that's a bit weird to say, but I like the way I don't make him incompetent and, to be very blunt, an idiot. He is a well-trained assassin. Sure, Hydra treated him terribly, and he is eternally confused and taken advantage of, dissociated half the time, etc., but in the scenes we see him as the Winter Soldier, he is commanding other agents, he has emotion, and he speaks normally, even going as far as cursing. I like to think that he has SOME form of autonomy and own thoughts, as twisted and little as it is, and I try my best to convey that when I write him as the Winter Soldier.

Thanks again for the ask, this was so much fun, and expect some your way as well ;)

[lenardslittlemeowmeow]

Hello again! This is a post for people who have read my recently published fic "To The Unfriendly Neighborhood"!

I promised, didn't I?

This is an art piece I did while writing the fic! Major spoilers for the fic underneath the read more! Please give it a read and then come back and check this out :D

Now that only people who have read the fic (or are willing to spoil themselves) are here…

I proudly present: Jewel!

Yep! She needed a different name during the concept and ideas process because half-Unfriendly Junebug was too long, so we (me and a friend) decided on Jewel! Because Jewel beetles look very similar to Junebugs and are closely related.

And this is her!

This is her normal everyday wear! Her hair is tipped bright green because she convinced Gordon to buy her hair dye. Her skirt is long because it helps to hide her legs without them getting tangled up (I wanted to show them off lol). She's supposed to be disproportionate by the way.

This is her jacket outfit. She wears it when she's having a bad day and needs more of a "shield" from the world. It doesn't quite fit perfectly because it's an old employee's jacket.

And now the fun part, details and extras about Jewel and the story!

Story details:

- The reason Norman and Lenard thought Jewel didn't actually meet Gordon is because they hadn't encountered him themselves and made assumptions.

- Pearl actually knew who Gordon was, but she didn't think he was coming back and thought Jewel was just being wishful and naive.

Jewel details:

- Absolutely despises Norman. Particularly the Norman who wasn't aware of Gordon's existence and was the first to tell her he wasn't real, even when he was. She's sorta indifferent and standoffish to the other Normans, but she's downright aggressive to the original.

- When it comes to the puppets, she gets along best with Lenard, since he helped her through her transformation and the whole ordeal afterwards. They're very close.

- Struggles with delusions and hallucinations, often Lenard and Gordon are the only ones who can help her out of them.

- Very protective of Gordon. Almost constantly by his side. On bad days she'll growl at anyone who gets too close to him. Can and should be likened to an overprotective attack dog.

- Will sometimes just. Pick Gordon up. Like when you hold a cat by the armpits. Carries him around like a teddy bear. (He learns not to fight it lol)

- This is made funnier by the fact that she's 6'3, and I HC Gordon as 5'2.

- Has chronic pain in her legs and missing eye.

- So many body insecurities. So many.

- Intrusive thoughts galore. Do you know how many times this girlie has vividly imagined tearing her friends apart? Hates it with a passion.

- She becomes pretty cynical, but she tries to see the best in others regardless.

- Picks up cursing from Gordon, gains quite the potty mouth. I HC that the puppets are literally incapable of cursing until they turn Unfriendly, and Jewel is just Unfriendly enough that she's not blocked from it.

- Pretending to be friendlier than she is is incredibly difficult, so sometimes she'll go deeper into the studio, find an abandoned room, and just tear it to fucking shreds. Goes absolutely apeshit. Sometimes she just needs to let it all out.

And with that, I am done! Please ask questions about her or this AU if you have any, I love her lots and would adore if someone else had an interest in her!

I'm sort of working on a post-TTUFN fic about that last point on Jewel, so stay tuned! No guarantees cause I'm burning myself out a little, but I should have a short one out sometime, at the least :3

See ya!

[friendly-neighbourhood-archon]

Hello! After Everything is one of my absolute favorite fics. I love how almost everyone survives, I love the catharsis of seeing paragraphs about a character’s insecurities before they’re proven to be unfounded and they have no reason to worry, I love all the identity reveal drama, and many more things. I’m also consistently impressed that you update weekly, and was wondering if you had any advice on the matter?

I recently started fic writing, and am already struggling to maintain weekly updates. I certainly want to write, and I have ideas and even an outline for the next chapter, but every time I try to sit down to write, it feels more and more like work. Even when I do writing warm-ups or try to read something right before I write. I’m afraid if I push myself to write when I don’t want to, I’ll get burnt out, but I do want to keep up with writing as a hobby, and want to continue the story. Any advice for how to maintain regular updates?

Thank you so much for responding, and I hope you have a good day!

Hello!!! Oh my god, thank you so so much for your sweet words!! I'm incredibly happy you like AE so much! Thank you so much for reading my beloved little work! ❤ ❤

As for advice, I certainly have some that has worked for me in the past 2+ years of writing AE. I have never published anything this long or anything this consistent before (on the contrary, I was notorious for abandoning fics because of years and years of writers' block, so I'm telling you the longer AE got the more terrified I was of the dreaded block setting in - so far no sign though, luckily😂)

I'm someone who can't push myself to write if i don't want to. It simply doesn't work for me. I have to at least want a little bit.

What I like to do is whenever I have my laptop or computer on when I'm home, i open the document of the chapter i'm working on. Even when i don't plan on writing because i'm doing housework, for example. But eventually i might get a good idea while working on something else and write, even if it's just two sentences.

It might surprise you, but I don't warm-up nor do I draft or have written outlines. I don't even have a written plot-outline. It's all in my head exclusively. Which i'm surprised about myself considering i started writing AE when i still had pretty bad bain fog. But for me, writing down outlines doesn't help, I write as I go and how I feel it works.

Sometimes you need the set-up to be different. Like if you intend for a chapter to start at point A but you cannot for the life of you get ahead writing from there, then maybe point A needs to change.

In a similiar way, if you feel stuck at the point where you're at, maybe just place down a big red X at this spot as a placeholder. Then create some space to show that there's content missing, and keep writing from a later point in that chapter. Sometimes we're just not in the right mood to write that certain point, so no shame in skipping it and coming back to it later.

Something that can also work, depending how your fic is set up, is changing the point of view. As you know, I like to use multiple different points of views in no particular order. When starting AE i considered alternating between Childe and Zhongli, but i realized that wouldn't work. Because it would force me to write certain chapters in a POV that would work better from another persons'. So now when I feel a chapter isn't flowing, I rewrite what I have from another person's POV. Like this i can focus more on things like the thoughts and feelings of the people involved and how they see the world around them.

Also don't be shy to not make it weekly updates, but bi-weekly or even monthly ones. Match your update rhythm to your writing rhythm, not the other way around. I used to update every 4 days for a while because I was so impatient. Then health problems and work stress flared up, so i went to weekly updates because that is what I can achieve most of the time in a pretty comfortable manner. My chapters are only a bit over 3k words. Trust me, as both a reader and author, your readers will be there wether you push yourself for weekly updates or take it at a more leisurely pace and update monthly.

If you can and you are inspired, try to build a bit of "buffer chapters". Back when I started, every chapter I had, i immediately posted, as I mentioned. Now, I managed to get ahead a bit, I've published chapter 155 this week and am writing 158 currently. This also buys me extra time, because if i get stuck on a chapter, I'm now not immediately stressed that it needs to be ready for the next update day, I still have plenty of time left to get it done.

Sometimes, bouncing ideas back and forth with friends can also help. Someone whose judgement you trust. I've gotten some nice little ideas that I incorporated over time by talking to some friends, which then helped me keep going. Or even with small things like "I'm thinking of doing X, do you think that's too much?". I'm usually anxious about people not liking what i'm coming up with (yes, even still after all this time, even more so the closer we move to the sequel of AE as well, because I have so many big plot points still-)

I hope some of these might be helpful for you!

Don't hesitate to message me again if you'd like to talk or have questions ��❤

Hope you have a good day too!!

[porcelainmortal]

👖🌝💖 for rwrb!!

Thank you for the ask, Liza!!

👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent?

No, I am probably the least consistent writer ever. Sometimes I plot and plan (never outline, that's too much work and I want to get to thw writing!), but most of the time I'm flying by the seat of my pants. It all depends on where the muse comes from and where she takes me. Sometimes I write furiously fast in an almost fugue-like state and can barely remember it after (hello, ADHD hyperfocus) and other times, I'm carefully selecting each and every word and a single fic takes months. It's a bit of a mess, tbh.

🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to?

I feel like I have a really hard time nailing down June's voice. I know some fellow writers who struggle with her, too. I thought it was because I don't understand the supportive older sister type (unfortunately I can not relate) but I am okay with Bea for some reason. June is just more complex and I'm forcing myself to include her more in my fics now because I want to get better at writing her. I also have never written Oscar and only just started writing Ellen and Leo. Basically, I need to practice all my side characters.

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

I like that it usually comes out how I want it to. Regardless of which method of writing I use at any given point, I usually get the result I want, especially when I'm going for a specific mood. I love the warm fuzzy feelings my fics give me - is that conceited? Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly insecure about how my fics are received out in the world, but for the most part, I really enjoy reading them myself. I also love how fun it is. I genuinely enjoy the writing process like 90% of the time. It's just really fun and fulfilling for me.

Fanfic Ask Game

[not-poignant]

if ur still doing the writing meme (i've liked all ur answers even the 'unpopular' ones a haikyuu fic i loved once got rewritten and i'm still sad i never saved the first one because i didn't realize the author didn't like it and i wish i'd commented more or sth to make them know we loved the og so much) -> 13 and 34 plz

Ahh I'm sorry you went through that anon re: the Haikyuu! fic. Please don't guilt-trip yourself for it. Authors have lots of reasons for rewriting a fic, or deleting a fic, and sometimes even when it's had thousands of kudos they will still do it.

It sounds like you commented in general (since you say 'commented more' instead of just commented) which is like... really awesome. Who knows, maybe the author thought they were giving you the better version! You can always leave a comment and ask if they still have the original chapters on file somewhere if that author's still active, and if they'd be willing to share them with you somehow.

Now to the meme:

13. What is a subject matter that is incredibly difficult for you write about? What is easy?

I was going to answer this with 'easy, everything I don't write' lmao because I just avoid the stuff I find hardest. But that's kind of...not the point. So in all seriousness:

Big ensemble scenes with big ensemble casts. I don't know why I insist on writing these a fair bit, but anything that has more than two characters in a scene is a struggle. More than four is like 'OH GOD.' It's just a lot of work in a different kind of way.

Happy endings. It's not that they're difficult to write, exactly, it's that I'm often...kind of sad to be letting go of the story and I feel like I've already let it go at the point that I'm writing the happy ending. Like, I am not happiest when I'm writing the happy ending, though I want it to feel really really good for readers. I love happy endings, but I also get really noticeable lag and slow down a bit towards the end of stories, because I have less motivation. An ending means letting go of that version of the world, or that installment, and my brain is like 'dun wanna.'

Beginnings/openings. I don't really enjoy the first few pages of a first chapter and I know I'm not often good at beginnings which further preys on my 'everyone is going to hate this story' insecurity I have at the beginning of a new thing.

Action scenes used to be in this but they're not as much anymore. But I do really struggle with sex scenes too! And I think that's a reason I don't write them as much as I used to. It's not a bad thing, one of the reasons they're harder is because I want them to be good and I just don't want to do carbon copies of previous sex scenes and I've now written like 200 of them.

As for things I find easy, hmm. I'm going to go with broadscale characterisation and dialogue. I also think generating character and place names is really easy, and inventing species to populate a new world is easy. I also think describing nature is easy for me, though I sometimes feel silly or like...I'm boring people when I describe it, so I try not to do it toooo much.

I'm bad at writing description but hilariously I don't find it difficult. x.x Maybe that's why I'm bad at it.

34. Thoughts on the Oxford comma, Go:

*takes a breath*

Since you don't mind unpopular opinions I hope you don't mind this one: I fucking don't rate the Oxford Comma and try to avoid using it wherever possible. It's really easy to avoid some of the errors an Oxford Comma can prevent through context, and frankly, the Oxford Comma can create its own issues which can be prevented through not using it. You can avoid or introduce ambiguity whether you do or don't use it, basically, one solves some problems and introduces others, the other solves some problems and introduces others.

In that sense, it's understandable why it's not mandated in many style guides. It is preferable in US English, but damn, I'm not from the USA. And the Oxford Style Guide recommends it but the Oxford Style Manual recommends against it. Australian Style Guides, including the one issued by the government, generally oppose its use, but it's not mandated, so it's really at the author's discretion.

I've tried using it. Like, I've sat down and thought 'right I'm going to give this a good shot' and I just really don't like it. So you'll see a handful here and there in my writing where I thought 'okay let's try it' and then just been like nahhhh.

I have no problems with other people using it, and those people can have all the extra commas I'm not using because damn, they'll need them. :D

--

From the Weird Questions for Writers meme!

[trickster-shi]

Wednesday 01/03/24

I am so not ready to go back to work tomorrow, but I am pretty pleased about the work I've done on my writing projects this week.

Project Zander

Chapter Two, 1840 words

I finished the first scene of the chapter, which is from Darius' POV and I uncovered his core character strength and weakness while writing and then brainstorming separately. Darius is the tol sunshine puppy of the group, with seemingly endless sass and optimism, but that's actually covering up a lot of insecurities, fear, and mother henning tendencies. His internal thoughts are fun to write because he feels everything, worries about everything, and ties himself up in knots while trying to be brave and funny for the people around him.

They're in quite a pickle at the moment, so he's been incredibly introspective while the other two sleep, trying to figure out why they ended up somewhere they shouldn't have and how they're gonna get out of it.

He's also worrying about Zander and what he had to do to save Darius and Elivia in chapter one, and wishing the sisters were there to take over because Darius is very much not ready to Adult at that level just yet.

I'm still trying to work out some world building issues to marry this story into the ending of Fred and Taz's series that is not completely written yet, so that's also fun. I'm throwing in an alternate Texas circa 1940's or so, steampunk elements, magic, and gods into the mix with surprise time travel, so there's a lot of moving parts but I'm excited to tackle them.

Since I work Thurs-Friday, I don't know how much writing I'll get done those days, so it may be down to the weekend to make more significant progress. We'll see.

Home Across the Universe, Story #10

Untitled, 2987 words

I wrote the entire 2987 words today, so I feel really good about that. I've written a couple previous drafts of this story since October but they just didn't quite come together how I wanted, so I put it on the back burner until now so I could concentrate on NaNo and then Project Zander.

So far, this story is about Stiles taking advantage of a new opportunity and seeing where it leads. It will be pretty Stiles and Peter-centric, with some Derek POV scenes thrown in. I am still developing the Kate plot thread introduced in Boyfriend Achievements: Unlocked, so I don't know if she will be appearing in this story or the next one. It depends on how long this piece decides to be.

So far, this first part was Stiles and John talking over the new opportunity with lots of Stiles' inner thoughts and references to things that have been happening since Christmas. I would say that Stiles is currently the most hopeful he has been in quite a while, so that's really nice to write.

Still, you guys know me. I do love my angst, so I'm sure I'll get to weave some in there somewhere, but so far Stiles's only angsty struggle is that two someone's currently occupying the Stilinski home *cough, Mini-Stiles and Austin, cough* broke the coffee pot and there's been a creative punishment enforced to work off that debt to buy a new one. And Stiles hasn't had coffee first thing in the morning in a week.

He's quite testy about that. But the new opportunity has the added incentive of free, good quality coffee, so he's all for it, even if it does come from Peter.

Other Projects:

I haven't physically worked on the other projects currently occupying other back burners this week, but the following stories are still in active progress:

Into The Black Episode Two

I did restructure what exists of Episode Two during December and wrote around 1k-2k on it. It is currently sitting at 5,876 words. Mainly it was tightening up the narrative, so I cut out a lot of stuff that was dragging the chapter down and fixing stuff to move the plot forward. I'm excited about what I have planned for that episode.

Rabbit Come Home, Part Three

I haven't touched what I have written for the third and final story in a while. It's currently sitting at 16,636 words. I know what I want to have happen in my head but I've had a hard time actually getting it written down, so that one may just need to marinate for a while before I can finish it. I want to do my vision justice and nail the ending.

That's all for now. I'm going to finish up some things and head to bed. 5 am is gonna come way too quick, I can already tell *cries*

[sterdas-blog]

Retroactive Jealousy!

I think it's very important to remember to be kind to yourself. My thoughts, behaviors, or struggles don't mean that I'm a bad person or inferior. Knowing them and actively trying to work on them are actually the signs of someone who is incredibly brave, forward-thinking, self-loving at its core, and high-value ;) I don't judge nor question myself but instead am kind and understanding.

Ironically and funnily enough, I'm really not bothered by any specific ex-lovers in my partner's past at all. I'm not bothered by my partner's sexual past; what I'm really afraid of is what it represents.

They're representations of my own insecurities.

I'm insecure about my performance and her enjoyment and satisfaction: I'm a bit insecure about my inexperience, however: Experience doesn't mean that either person was any good, it's more or less just a number. And likewise, inexperience doesn't mean that I'm not good or that Cat doesn't enjoy being with me sexually either. (She's openly expressed her enjoyment with me and told me out of the blue that I am good.) About my partner's enjoyment and satisfaction: if she says it, I should believe her. (that's just how she is v.v) It doesn't make sense to compare also, because it's just different and pretty much impossible to do.

A little article that's relevant:

But on the other hand, when it comes to measuring sexual satisfaction within a heterosexual relationship, there is so much more than exclusively the orgasm.

This goes for both sexes, both men and women.

Pleasure comes in different forms and on different levels. Being intimate with your partner, enjoying their company, enjoying their body, finding satisfaction in the connection, and enjoying giving just as much as receiving can be just as satisfactory without an orgasm.

On both a physiological level and a psychological and emotional level, the arousal, the stimulation, and the process of getting there can be in some cases more and better than the relief provided by the orgasm. The pleasure is not limited to the genitalia and the touch, it involves all other senses, the sight, the smell, the sounds, and the taste of the other. These are proven to start to release the feel-good hormones even before the touch comes on. This is how foreplay doesn’t definitely need even physical presence and how some well-placed words can already be a huge turn-on, and this is how women can orgasm even without being touched.

Less is sometimes more. Not digging deep into the different orgasm types that women can experience, from very mild to mindblowing, sometimes one single orgasm is all that is needed. It can be so earth-shattering that going for another one seems impossible at best or torture at worst anyway.

I was writing before about a perfect one-night stand, with incredible chemistry and unexpected connectedness. The smell, the taste, the touch, everything was just magical. We shared a cosmic experience, in a way neither of us experienced before, leaving us breathless, craving for more and more, not sleeping at all — that would have been just impossible. What? Should I miss a second of touching him and feeling him on me and in me? No way!

I left out one tiny detail. We made love three times which lasted 6 hours. He had one orgasm. And I had none. I left this out because it was unimportant. There was an orgasm gap. One to zero. I left it out because what we had was more than an orgasm competition. It was better and more than anything I have ever experienced with anyone. Would I have wanted an orgasm? Maybe. I’m not sure it would have been better by that.

Final word:

For me, the formula for good sex:

mutual pleasure (not orgasm but pleasure),

connection on some (or more) level,

and being present together.

The increasing number of female orgasms can start to close the orgasm gap, but just the quantity itself is not compensating for quality, chemistry, or connection.

And I, personally, would go for quality, chemistry, and connection over quantity anytime, without a second thought.

Using orgasm count as a measure of enjoyment is stupid because there's so much more to sex than just that (for women a bit more than for men. It doesn't matter that much for me already, so I can probably imagine how my female partners would feel about it), the mutual pleasure, the connection, the presence, the dynamic,... and more are so much more important, arousing, and amazing). It also is incredibly cringe and a hallmark sign of insecurity to focus so much on orgasm count and use it as validation. It makes the sex pretty terrible and shows disrespect for both parties and low self-esteem/self-confidence. I know also that I'm pretty amazing already(not to toot my own horn here hehe); the lack of self-confidence and fitness gets in the way a bit sometimes though :c. But that being said, I know that I'm a great lover, and as I continue to work on myself, I know that there's absolutely nothing I should be worried about hehe.

I'm afraid of losing her: It's a blow from my self-esteem and confidence issues. My conscious mind knows that she loves and cares for me, that she won't sleep with anyone else, that she won't get into a relationship with anyone else,... It's my subconscious mind and my insecurities that attack me. The fear of her not being satisfied sexually and us breaking up for it is just another way those feelings manifest and get to me. I know now where they come from, and I'm doing my best to counter them ;)

Coping/moving forward:

I care so much about my performance because of what sex means to me, and the stakes it carries: I'm not doing my partner a service here:( It's mainly me using sex and using my partner as a way to regulate my emotions and issues, and that's not nice. Ironically enough, worrying so much about performance is actually what diminishes it and makes sex less enjoyable. Caring for myself and my own sexual satisfaction, and taking away the pressure, stress, and tense-ness, actually points directly to the formula of great sex - mutual pleasure, connection, and being present.

Stop Believing the Stories Created by Your Mind:The sex my partner had in the past wasn't some crazy extravaganza, but more just plain (and most likely had its fair share of problems and insecurities from what I could deduct). Comparing is stupid of course cause it's just different, but if it had to be done, then I would say it was probably more or less the same-ish. Run-of-the-mill. However, that was the me of the past that didn't know better, but now it's different hehe. The sex that me and my partner would have in the future, however, that's a different story ;) I know also that I'm pretty amazing already(not to toot my own horn here hehe); the lack of self-confidence and fitness gets in the way a bit sometimes though :c. But that being said, I know that I'm a great lover, and as I continue to work on myself, I know that there's absolutely nothing I should be worried about hehe.

Be in the moment and remind myself of who Cat wants right now: Does she still think about him now? No. Did she get on better with him than you? No. Would she rather be with him than you? No. Your partner, right now, probably has no interest whatsoever in these ex-lovers, and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else right now than here with you. 

[marinelife2009]

Saturday

Having to care about taking care of myself and being mindful now is so annoying LOL last year I couldn't give less of a shit about what happened to me and now I have responsibilities and the such. I know that was like me being at an incredibly low stage of my life, but part of it was freeing in a way. I just did shit and didn't care too heavy about the outcome in terms of self preservation. I don't think I could ever go back to that with what I know and care about now (which is a good thing). I've been reading a lot lately, some self help books included, and it's almost embarrassing how much I embody the generic intense emotional abuse victim. I am having to juggle quite a lot right now, while also doing nothing at all it's a weird medium. I know I need therapy and knowing that I need that is irking in itself, like I cant function to my fullest potential without it, or really even my mid potential LMAO. I think fall always makes me feel a certain type of way. I've been thinking about old friendships a lot lately. I feel I get lonelier every year despite being surrounded by people who love me. That's a cover for something deeper inward I'm sure that I need to look at obviously but the feeling itself is still there. Just full of confusing stuff lately and depression is hitting me in a different way than it usually does (maybe testosterone is a factor?) so coping with it in new ways that I haven't thought of before is interesting. I have thought of taking up writing recently but getting my thoughts out in a cohesive way is a struggle for me.. but maybe that'd be a good exercise for it? I am unsure. Procrastination and insecurity are my biggest issues as of going through my day to day tasks right now. Not much else to say, love you guys !

[drea-exclusives]

Week 10 — Slipping Through My Fingers

At last, we've come to the final week of the weekly journal assignment. I can't help but feel somewhat melancholic that we've reached the end as this journey has brought me a lot of comfort and healing through writing out my feelings and experiences, something I've wanted to do for a long time. Nevertheless, I'm thankful to have had this space to explore and reflect on different areas of my life. Hence, this final entry will be a collective reflection on my childhood and a letter to my younger self.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

As the years pass and I get older, one thing that I find myself thinking about more frequently is my younger self. Who I was at different points in life, the thoughts I had during those times, the worries on my mind, and the fears about the future that consumed me. I find myself reminiscing about the innocence of childhood and reflecting on the times when things were so much easier. And it is just then that the daunting realisation of how much time has passed comes over me, and I am haunted by the fact that I sometimes still feel like the same person I was all those years ago; I am no longer that little girl, but she still lives inside me, and I carry her with me everywhere I go.

No matter how many times I've gone through this thought process and cycle, I can't help but feel sorry for my younger self. This sorrow follows me everywhere, especially when I look back at old pictures as they remind me of the internal struggles I faced at the time. For a long while, I questioned why I felt this immense sadness, until I realised that whenever I looked at my younger self, I could see all the insecurities and fears I had back then that I wasn't even aware of, because they still existed and are a part of who I am today.

One vivid instance from my childhood that stuck with me was during a talent show TV programme that I watched with my parents when I was nine. Upon seeing the range of talents amongst the participants, I blurted out that I didn't have any talents. Although I didn't expect much reaction from my parents, they quickly reassured me and began listing down the things I was good at, exchanging looks of concern as they processed what their daughter had just uttered. My heart sinks every time I recall this memory, because while I was deeply saddened that I was even capable of thinking this way at 9 years old, I also acknowledged that the fear of worthlessness had never left me till this day. I am still the same kid in an adult body; all the trials that I have endured were at the expense of my inner child.

Although these acknowledgements have been depressing at times, it was through empathising and looking out for my younger self that I was able to heal as I looked back and appreciated just how far I've come. To think that the little girl who was intimidated by the challenges she would have to face in life is the same person I am today is such a comforting feeling; knowing that despite how taxing those moments were, I persevered through all of them, even when I thought I couldn't. I hope she knows that I am proud of her.

But beyond that, I hope she knows that there is a future version of herself that understands her in ways no one else does, and only hopes for her to stop worrying about trivial matters or insignificant moments in life because there are so many better things ahead that await her. And I desperately wish I could tell her to enjoy her childhood instead of wishing for it to end, because time passes so incredibly fast, and she would grow up quicker than she could ever imagine. I wish I could tell her that adulting is scary and there are still many things that her grown-up self struggles with, but to not be afraid or let that frighten her, as somehow or other, things eventually work out and she would be okay.

I hope she knows that she is never alone; for as long as I am here, then she is able to overcome everything in her path, and I will always be rooting for her every step of the way.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭

Song of the Week! This song is the epitome of how I feel reflecting back to my childhood and my younger self. I first heard it in one of my favourite movies, Mamma Mia, and the song combined with the movie scene has been ingrained into my memory ever since. Though the song is from the perspective of a mother and the bittersweetness she feels about her daughter growing up, it evokes the same feelings in me towards my younger self throughout the years as I recall all the beautiful memories I've had and trials I've overcome at different points in my life, reminiscing on those precious times as well as the me who was living through those moments.

[enchi-elm]

Thank you so much for indulging my ask about writing ego! I particularly relate to what you said about “having the right of it”, or being convinced you do. I’m still chewing over what you said about your writing ego being so unsociable and self-reflective -- literally, reflecting back toward the self.

If I may, I’d love to share about my own ego (which is only fair, since I asked you). @neil-gaiman​ (I thought it was Terry originally) once said in an interview that he and Terry Pratchett both have egos the size of planetary cores, a quotation that made me go “Oh thank god” when I first saw it at some tender age in my early teens. Because my writing ego is a right ole stinker, sometimes. My writing ego needs its own parking space and I don’t even own a car.

To be clear: when I say writing ego, I don’t mean “knowing the things you’re objectively good at”. I’m comparatively good at dialogue and really struggle with plotting. Knowing my strengths and weaknesses is different from the voice in my head that throws its weight around and demands attention because it “deserves” it. Recognizing that has been really important in my growth as a creative.

My writing ego manifests as “I want to be first” and “I want to be the best”, so two things it doesn’t like is “other good writers” (bear with me) and “critique”. Now, as any writer knows, other good writers and constructive critique are absolutely essential to becoming a better writer and remaining attached to reality. AO3 was fantastic for my education as a younger writer. The people there are amazing. The skill, the creativity, the range. I have, no word of a lie, applauded works while sitting at my laptop. Yeah, you can get annoyed and feel insecure, but why bother? Sure, I can still get that petty feeling now and then when I really get the rug pulled out from under me but nowadays when I read something that blows my mind, I 1) enjoy it fully and 2) tell the writer in no uncertain terms that I think they and their work are incredible. And if I’m still feeling petty, I laugh about it. I imagine myself throwing my ego a lovely little pity party with balloons and listening to myself complain while trying to hold a straight face. I treat my ego with love (and sometimes chocolate) and eventually it cracks a smile and moves on.

(Also, other good writers are usually very friendly and I am now very happy and humbled to count among my acquaintances people whose work still makes me giddy. Besides, nothing beats a good bitch-fest about the latest writing struggle with people who really get it.)

As for critique, after years of never letting anyone read a work in progress for fear of negative feedback and my total inability to handle it, I had the privilege of being in a very well-structured writing group. Almost a dozen people giving detailed critique on submitted work. It took me more than a month to get up the courage to submit and let me tell you, after deliberately handing in something that was rough around the edges (and nearly perishing while doing so), hearing a dozen people dissect it was the most exquisite anguish I’ve ever experienced. I was writhing and they were right and it paid to listen to them. And they were right the next time, too. And sometimes I didn’t agree and I had good reasons for it that were now well-informed and provided a talking point with my peers. Nowadays, I welcome any critique, be it painful at first or not because I trust myself to handle getting defensive. It’s so important to be challenged, especially when you think you’re getting better. Not to push you back down, but to propel you forward out of stagnation.

I could talk about this a lot more, but one final thing I’ve noticed: my writing ego only exists in the absence of positive feedback. It happens every time I publish a chapter update. Seconds after I hit “Post”, I am Queen of the Fanfiction World. I am the Greatest. The Undefeated, the Butterfly who stings like a Bee, yadda yadda. And then, not 12 hours later, every freaking time, I’m rereading my work and I’m convinced it’s shit. I put my phone away. I despair. It’s dull and uninspired and-- This has happened so predictably with every chapter update that I can time it almost to the hour. (Again, nowadays I ride it out with chocolate and water and force myself to go about my day normally). And then a comment will arrive and I forget everything I ever thought about my work. I am a Golden Retriever getting pat on the head. I’m stunned, I’m delighted, humbled beyond belief and so grateful, and those helium balloon ideas of entitlement that I was stuck with earlier are nowhere to be found. This is why interaction with readers and other people in the fandom is important to me, personally. There’s something so grounding about looking at something you love, something you created, through someone else’s eyes and seeing it made into something new. It’s an act of co-creation, the very collaborative aspect of which takes my writing ego out at the knees. I may tell myself I want to be the best, but in practice, when given the choice, I’d much rather my team win as a group.

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest? 38. What is your most self-indulgent posted story? 80. Free space! Okay, be honest. What's your writing ego like? How does it manifest?

23. Is writing the beginning, middle, or end of the story easiest? Hardest?

Despite my scrap file for Customs having about 10,000 words of trash from the first 5,000 word chapter, I really do find the beginning the easiest part of writing: you already know what the plot is going to be, you know what characters are involved, you just need to get it all on the board. It's like a tableaux vivant. It's when stuff starts moving that it gets hard. Endings are impossible, for me. I don't do a very good job tidying up the loose ends, and my preferred method for finishing out a story, either of 100 words or 100K+ is "and the adventure continues!" more-or-less. I've been stuck on Chapter 31 of Customs because we're very much getting into the last quarter of the game and I really have no faith that I can stick the landing, and Chapter 31 really is, if I may mix my sport metaphors, the gymnast running down the balance beam towards the dismount. I'm spooked.

38. What is your most self-indulgent posted story?

Answered here, but I should also plug yet apt the verse, a slice of life drama which contains 100% more doggerel poetry, as well as general naval history, compared to Mercy Street's baseline. Given that it's a show about a Union Army hospital in the American Civil War, the baseline of naval history is nil, for reference. I just like boats.

80. Free space! Okay, be honest. What's your writing ego like? How does it manifest?

I've been sitting with this (and talked to you briefly!) and it's been a little mortifying to reflect on. It's easier to admit to my insecurities as a writer than it is to admit to what I'm perhaps too proud of - admitting to the latter really does feel like taping a "Kick Me!" sign over my kidneys - that I'm inviting people to think, either to themselves or out loud, "christ, she's not that good." And, in a way, I feel particularly goofy for having an opinion about my ability to write fanfic - and goofy for saying I feel goofy, because at the end of the day, it's just a hobby like cross-stitching or running. I'm allowed to be proud of my stitch work, even if it's not to everyone's taste. The obvious answer is I'm a little prideful about research. I can be a little (a lot) self indulgent about it, but generally speaking, I think I do a good job of navigating incorporating historical detail as a part of the plot and characterization without totally overwhelming the whole. I'm sure the fact that of the fandoms I've written the most for (Mercy Street, PotC, and 1899) the fact that two of them are only loosely period dramas actually makes this look like a stupid hill to die on. Yeah, I wrote a neat little tidbit about Edward J. Smith's career at the White Star Line into the endnotes, but considering 1899's strained relationship with reality ... like. What have I accomplished other than preening about my ability to disappear down rabbitholes? It's self-congratulatory. And yet. The other thing is that I can be immensely convinced that I have the right of it, especially in terms of characterization. I can tell myself that it's a preference, that all characters have a little leeway for interpretation in some way or another, but there's certainly some pride in my own judgment being the correct one, and the one I'm the most interested in humoring as a writer. I was writing about my favorite parts of the writing process being the parts with the greatest chance of socialization (brainstorming and outlining with friends/co-conspirators, responding to comments) and there's something sort of ... striking? in how one's writer's ego - my writer's ego - tends to be the least sociable part of me. I know what I'm doing - I'm such a clever little retriever of facts - it's all about me.

Fanfiction Writing Asks!